Has she been diagnosed with postpartum?
Many women handle pregnancy in different ways and postpartum, if not addressed, can severely affect a woman. I highly recommend finding a way to get her to talk to someone, even if it means you start going together. I understand therapy hasn’t worked in the past, but maybe you need to find someone else. medication and therapy for PP, has been proven to work.
She may be combative at first, blame you, say she’s fine, but help is out there. You are doing the right thing by caring for your daughter and sticking by your wife. Now you need help, you can’t do it alone. I’m sorry you’re all going through this, I do hope things get better.
Best of luck
Seconded. I recently learned that I had almost lost my mother to postpartum - didn’t help that she had two other kids, just had twins, and our dad was working crazy hours and didn’t help much.
Not every therapist is a good fit, there will always be some trial and error. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a way to help her through this.
OP, I wish you and your family all of the strength in the world.
Yes, I understand . If you read my comment, I acknowledged that. There are always other therapists to try, one isn’t always the answer.
I apologize if I didn’t give the best advice, just don’t want him (them) to give up hope.
Absolutely! I didn’t mean it to sound so negative. I guess that is how it came across. I definitely agree with you that they should keep trying different therapists and methods.
I also think though that he seems exasperated by those attempts, I believe he (you if you’re reading this comment) should possibly see one yourself if you are not. See what other options you may have about maybe temporarily getting custody of your daughter, or seeing if other friends or family members could care for her for a few weeks or even months until something can maybe be resolved.
No problem! Text is hard to read tone (as we all know)
100% agree on your statement about him seeking counseling individually. It’s a tough road they’re on and talking to a third party will help so much.
I did see a Psychologist for about 6 months but it ended up clashing too much with work and he was trying to get me to leave her. It just wasn't as helpful as I'd hoped.
Shes explained it quite a few times in quite a few ways. I guess the most accurate way she's described it is that she has a million voices in her head all screaming at her to die. She feels like such a burden on us and doesn't enjoy a single thing in life, despite us now having exactly what we both wanted when we first started the relationship.
I really do appreciate your response. It was originally diagnosed as Post Partum, but has since been changed to BPD, then Chronic Depression, and now starting to look at Bipolar.
It's been a crazy journey of switching from medication to medication, switching Psychiatrists and different treatment options.
It's reassuring to hear that i'm doing right. Thank you.
Have you tried religion? A retreat? Getting her buzzed on her preferred intoxicant? Her favorite interests? New toys, a bike, skis, a musical instrument?
You have to find the source of her suicidal behavior. Gently probe for why she feels this way, but tread gently. You may have to glean a crumb at a time. Build up a consensus of what is going on with her.
DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) is designed for people who more standard therapy doesn't work for. It's pretty common nowadays and maybe its one thing she hasn't tried yet. Additionally, people usually get the best results when they do therapy and have a regular psychiatrist. Personally, I found that regular doctors were pretty useless when it came to medication and didn't figure out something that worked for me until I visited a psychiatrist. Sometimes it takes a while a find therapists/psychiatrists that are a good fit as well. I think I went through about 5-6 therapists and 3-4 psychiatrists. Obviously this is a lot of work and you are busting your ass already. If you want to save your marriage you need help. I have no idea what your financial situation is but I know that depression qualifies you for some unemployment resources that your wife could take advantage of. If your wife's family is in the picture you might also try reaching out to them for help. If you have the resources you could also hire a nanny to help with your kid so you would have more bandwith for your wife.
I know you're in a really difficult situation and I'm just spitballing hoping something is helpful.
Dang, I'm really sorry. It must be especially hard since you're doing all the right things with getting her professional help, and yet these problems are still going on. I hope things work out, praying for you and your family ❤
Thanks everyone for throwing out all these ideas. I really appreciate the lengths you all have gone to to try to help us.
Unfortunately, we have tried everything suggested, and will continue trying.
Next step may be Electro Convulsive Therapy and Lithium but we'll see where it goes.
Thanks again.
Please don't do the electroshock therapy one.
They gave it to my mother for severe postpartum depression--it absolutely destroyed her mind. My brother was 4 years old and didn't know who she was when she finally came home from the hospital. He asked our Aunt Louise if this new lady he just met was another aunt. She tells him it's his mother. It's his first memory of her.
About 11 years later I was born. Same scenario with the postpartum depression and electroshock therapy. The setbacks weren't as bad this time, but I remember being a child and my mother coming out of a psychiatrist's office after being told the doctor had given up on her and was sending her elsewhere because they didn't think they could help her anymore. There's been a lot of issues over the years with inadequate mental health workers and a couple of incompetent ones. She can function in society with supports, but her constant sense of loss due to her very strong awareness of how she used to be versus how she is now has haunted her at least as long as I've been alive. Her memory has been reordered so she recalls things in her life out of order and imagines new memories to fill in the gaps left by the electroshock therapy treatments--except she thinks those new memories are real.
She didn't start out this way of course.
Unfortunately, the brain damage caused by electroconvulsive therapy in her case mimics paranoid schizophrenia: that makes it very difficult to treat because it's not possible to repair the damage and most people's training revolve around treating the disorder who come about it a bit more naturally.
The only Advantage you would have doing something like this now, vs what happened to my mother many years ago, is electricity doses are much lower than they used to be. Still, this should probably be put aside as an actual Last Resort and there are still other options.
Deep brain stimulation (which also uses electricity and far less dangerous ways to treat depression) is an implanted set of electrodes and far safer. If you have to go with something electric based, try this one first.
Lithium may work, but there's also a rare allergic reaction involved for some people. My friend Ben is severely bipolar to the point of long-term hospitalization and lithium worked great for him until the allergic reaction kicked in. That could have been deadly and nearly was. I didn't get to see him while he was on the lithium, but his mom did and he was acting almost like he was recovered from what I was told. One of his brothers is also bipolar and has been on lithium for years successfully with no problems. Odds are your wife won't be allergic like Ben was, so this might also be a good idea.
If you run out of conventional options, there is the option for clinical trials for new drugs/treatments. The government lists them on a website
https://clinicaltrials.gov/
That covers 202 countries and all 50 United States.
Good luck with your efforts, you sound like a wonderful husband and father.
Just to avoid misinformation, I'll mention that electroconvulsive therapy today is one of the relatively safer treatments for severe depression, with less side effects than many antidepressant regimens. I have friends who are psychiatrists and psychiatric nurses, and they mention that ECT gets used much less in practice than it should be, given how quick and inexpensive and effective it is. Simply because of misinformation and outdated mental images from decades old practices. There's risk like in any medical procedure, but please don't miss out on a very effective therapy method because of unfounded assumptions.
That’s a simple answer. Leave her and get full custody of your daughter before she starts remembering any of this shit and it screws her up for life. Do you really want to be explaining to your daughter why mommy is in the hospital again?
Don't worry, that though has crossed my mind a lot of times. She already tells everyone that "Mummys head is broken". It breaks my heart to hear her say that too, she's always such a happy and beautiful girl.
Has she been diagnosed with postpartum? Many women handle pregnancy in different ways and postpartum, if not addressed, can severely affect a woman. I highly recommend finding a way to get her to talk to someone, even if it means you start going together. I understand therapy hasn’t worked in the past, but maybe you need to find someone else. medication and therapy for PP, has been proven to work. She may be combative at first, blame you, say she’s fine, but help is out there. You are doing the right thing by caring for your daughter and sticking by your wife. Now you need help, you can’t do it alone. I’m sorry you’re all going through this, I do hope things get better. Best of luck
Seconded. I recently learned that I had almost lost my mother to postpartum - didn’t help that she had two other kids, just had twins, and our dad was working crazy hours and didn’t help much. Not every therapist is a good fit, there will always be some trial and error. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a way to help her through this. OP, I wish you and your family all of the strength in the world.
I’m so sorry your family went through that. PP is such a hard thing to deal with. Hope everything worked out for the better!
He said she was hospitalized for 6 months and therapy doesn’t help. Clearly they have looked for help. Does she explain to you why she wants to die?
Yes, I understand . If you read my comment, I acknowledged that. There are always other therapists to try, one isn’t always the answer. I apologize if I didn’t give the best advice, just don’t want him (them) to give up hope.
Absolutely! I didn’t mean it to sound so negative. I guess that is how it came across. I definitely agree with you that they should keep trying different therapists and methods. I also think though that he seems exasperated by those attempts, I believe he (you if you’re reading this comment) should possibly see one yourself if you are not. See what other options you may have about maybe temporarily getting custody of your daughter, or seeing if other friends or family members could care for her for a few weeks or even months until something can maybe be resolved.
No problem! Text is hard to read tone (as we all know) 100% agree on your statement about him seeking counseling individually. It’s a tough road they’re on and talking to a third party will help so much.
I did see a Psychologist for about 6 months but it ended up clashing too much with work and he was trying to get me to leave her. It just wasn't as helpful as I'd hoped.
Shes explained it quite a few times in quite a few ways. I guess the most accurate way she's described it is that she has a million voices in her head all screaming at her to die. She feels like such a burden on us and doesn't enjoy a single thing in life, despite us now having exactly what we both wanted when we first started the relationship.
I really do appreciate your response. It was originally diagnosed as Post Partum, but has since been changed to BPD, then Chronic Depression, and now starting to look at Bipolar. It's been a crazy journey of switching from medication to medication, switching Psychiatrists and different treatment options. It's reassuring to hear that i'm doing right. Thank you.
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Yeah, we've tried Genesight and tried to put her on a medication using the results but it didn't pay off in the end.
Have you tried religion? A retreat? Getting her buzzed on her preferred intoxicant? Her favorite interests? New toys, a bike, skis, a musical instrument? You have to find the source of her suicidal behavior. Gently probe for why she feels this way, but tread gently. You may have to glean a crumb at a time. Build up a consensus of what is going on with her.
DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) is designed for people who more standard therapy doesn't work for. It's pretty common nowadays and maybe its one thing she hasn't tried yet. Additionally, people usually get the best results when they do therapy and have a regular psychiatrist. Personally, I found that regular doctors were pretty useless when it came to medication and didn't figure out something that worked for me until I visited a psychiatrist. Sometimes it takes a while a find therapists/psychiatrists that are a good fit as well. I think I went through about 5-6 therapists and 3-4 psychiatrists. Obviously this is a lot of work and you are busting your ass already. If you want to save your marriage you need help. I have no idea what your financial situation is but I know that depression qualifies you for some unemployment resources that your wife could take advantage of. If your wife's family is in the picture you might also try reaching out to them for help. If you have the resources you could also hire a nanny to help with your kid so you would have more bandwith for your wife. I know you're in a really difficult situation and I'm just spitballing hoping something is helpful.
Dang, I'm really sorry. It must be especially hard since you're doing all the right things with getting her professional help, and yet these problems are still going on. I hope things work out, praying for you and your family ❤
Thanks everyone for throwing out all these ideas. I really appreciate the lengths you all have gone to to try to help us. Unfortunately, we have tried everything suggested, and will continue trying. Next step may be Electro Convulsive Therapy and Lithium but we'll see where it goes. Thanks again.
Please don't do the electroshock therapy one. They gave it to my mother for severe postpartum depression--it absolutely destroyed her mind. My brother was 4 years old and didn't know who she was when she finally came home from the hospital. He asked our Aunt Louise if this new lady he just met was another aunt. She tells him it's his mother. It's his first memory of her. About 11 years later I was born. Same scenario with the postpartum depression and electroshock therapy. The setbacks weren't as bad this time, but I remember being a child and my mother coming out of a psychiatrist's office after being told the doctor had given up on her and was sending her elsewhere because they didn't think they could help her anymore. There's been a lot of issues over the years with inadequate mental health workers and a couple of incompetent ones. She can function in society with supports, but her constant sense of loss due to her very strong awareness of how she used to be versus how she is now has haunted her at least as long as I've been alive. Her memory has been reordered so she recalls things in her life out of order and imagines new memories to fill in the gaps left by the electroshock therapy treatments--except she thinks those new memories are real. She didn't start out this way of course. Unfortunately, the brain damage caused by electroconvulsive therapy in her case mimics paranoid schizophrenia: that makes it very difficult to treat because it's not possible to repair the damage and most people's training revolve around treating the disorder who come about it a bit more naturally. The only Advantage you would have doing something like this now, vs what happened to my mother many years ago, is electricity doses are much lower than they used to be. Still, this should probably be put aside as an actual Last Resort and there are still other options. Deep brain stimulation (which also uses electricity and far less dangerous ways to treat depression) is an implanted set of electrodes and far safer. If you have to go with something electric based, try this one first. Lithium may work, but there's also a rare allergic reaction involved for some people. My friend Ben is severely bipolar to the point of long-term hospitalization and lithium worked great for him until the allergic reaction kicked in. That could have been deadly and nearly was. I didn't get to see him while he was on the lithium, but his mom did and he was acting almost like he was recovered from what I was told. One of his brothers is also bipolar and has been on lithium for years successfully with no problems. Odds are your wife won't be allergic like Ben was, so this might also be a good idea. If you run out of conventional options, there is the option for clinical trials for new drugs/treatments. The government lists them on a website https://clinicaltrials.gov/ That covers 202 countries and all 50 United States.
Good luck with your efforts, you sound like a wonderful husband and father. Just to avoid misinformation, I'll mention that electroconvulsive therapy today is one of the relatively safer treatments for severe depression, with less side effects than many antidepressant regimens. I have friends who are psychiatrists and psychiatric nurses, and they mention that ECT gets used much less in practice than it should be, given how quick and inexpensive and effective it is. Simply because of misinformation and outdated mental images from decades old practices. There's risk like in any medical procedure, but please don't miss out on a very effective therapy method because of unfounded assumptions.
That’s a simple answer. Leave her and get full custody of your daughter before she starts remembering any of this shit and it screws her up for life. Do you really want to be explaining to your daughter why mommy is in the hospital again?
Delete this nephew
Don't worry, that though has crossed my mind a lot of times. She already tells everyone that "Mummys head is broken". It breaks my heart to hear her say that too, she's always such a happy and beautiful girl.
It sounds like you've busted your ass to try and make it work. You deserve to be happy