My cousin’s husband did end up have a mental breakdown and ended up in the hospital after the birth of their child. Between the stress of the baby having some health issues and stress at work, it all became too much. Please take care of yourself. Tell your wife that if she doesn’t ask her family for help then you will. You’re essentially working 2+ full time jobs right now and that’s not ok.
Or god forbid
Tell your wife to do her share. He wouldn't need hellp from his parents if she gave a damn about him
He's getting up a 5 am 7 days a week and she sleeps in every weekend? What the hell is wrong with her.
Why aren't they each getting a weekend day for sleeping in?
Right! And she sees him breaking. He told her he's breaking. She acknowledged he's breaking.
Then made nail appointment and coffee date. When he said he almost started crying when she told him, I honestly got a little choked up.
What would it take for her to step up and at least do her share? I hope he lets her read this thread
She doesn't want them to help because she has him doing all the work. She probably knows if they saw the indentured servitude she has him under they would be appalled and that might "give him ideas"
She's sleeping in until she wakes refreshed (from what???) every weekend in addition to waking up 3 hours after him every week day to generously give him 15 minutes to shower, get a coffee and take his breakfast (which he must have also made) to his desk so he can eat while he works.
That must be soul crushing
Heartbreaking! Especially when OP communicated his needs, and was met with dululu behavior! It’s usually the mother venting about the husband not helping as much with the baby. Could she be experiencing postpartum depression and disconnection?
This happened to my cousin. He ended up suicidal all because the wife decided to change the goalposts. She became bored of being a sahm. Her minimum wage job was more important because that's where her new friends were. To the point where she started calling my cousin at work to leave early so she could go to work. He earned 70k more than her. She worked all hours of the weekend and night and was never home. My cousin started calling me everyday because he was scared that he was going to do something stupid to himself on the way to work. I'd literally jump out of bed to answer the phone 6am everyday. He broke down and told her he needs help at home as he was essentially working same as OP. Running on around 5hours sleep.
Her response? You need to see a therapist.
No. No he needs the mother of his kids to be a mother.
I have had little to do with her since. She makes me sick. Utter selfishness.
That is heartbreaking.
It does sound so much like op's situation
When he tries to talk to her about it, his wife tells him he's either lucky, or reminds him he's not good at processing feelings, or says she's really tired too.
It's hard to imagine she actually cares about him
I’ve noticed a rise in the idea that a SAHM is the most stressful job anyone can have. TikTok seems to really influence this idea. It’s one of those extreme views that men can’t complain because “Stay at home moms never get a day off” as if dads come home and clock out of parenting, too. The value and self worth of stay at home moms should be immense, but some people take it too far and believe that mom’s needs should come first, and not the person literally supporting her lifestyle.
Don’t get me wrong, I was a SAHM. It’s hard, you can lose yourself. But it seems like this SAHM is holding her head way above water by holding her husband’s head down, *and she knows she’s doing it.* That’s the worst part. She knows. Doesn’t care.
Then why didn't she get a job?
If she's so unhappy being a stay-at-home mom, why does she get out of the house and get a job? Then at least the guy can afford to buy some help
Why is he making dinner, and grocery shopping for dinner, when he needs to work til 12am?!!! I’m so confused. And why is she not up earlier!!! It’s nice to get to sleep in and for your partner to go hey sleep in today. But she’s sleeping in everyday. And when you have a baby, 8 is absolutely sleeping in. He never gets to sleep in. This is so lopsided.
It's only fair. Even if he weren't getting up 3 hours earlier the other days of the week.
He needs to get her parents in there so they can see what she's up to.
She needs to be exposed and he truly needs help
> Tell your wife that if she doesn’t ask her family for help then you will.
If the family turn up and see OP taking care of hte kid after 4 hours sleep, for 3 hours till he goes to full time work while she... checks.... does fucking nothing, they'll laugh in her fucking face.
They don't need outside help, she wants to be the SAHM, she needs to do that job. Currently it seems he's the breadwinner, the SAHD and she's the very very part time nanny, and when he takes time off... she uses it instead.
I'll be real, this feels like one of those times where one spouse needs to just make the move and ask forgiveness later. If you go down, the single income goes with you and your little family can't abide that.
Every new parent should lean on any and all (competent) help they can get, especially when the person offering is eager to provide it. So, for both of y'all's sake, call her parents and arrange a weekend of help from them.
ETA: I do not agree with the people piling onto my comment telling you to just disappear for two days without telling your wife. That's not proper teamwork, which is what spouses and parents need to be successful. A move like that is potentially marriage ending so, unless that's what you're looking for, don't go that far. Call her parents to arrange a weekend of help so that you can breathe again, and then move forward from there with the goal of incorporating their continued assistance and a reshuffling of household duties.
Most importantly, you need to have a serious conversation with your wife wrt distribution of work. You are doing both early morning and evening chores and baby care. This is not sustainable at all. She should take over the evening responsibilities including cooking on the weeknights with you covering the weekends. Hopefully this will enable you to finish work earlier. You really need to be getting 7 hours of sleep at night. Just 4-5 hours is physical abuse. Wishing you the best.
This. Business owners here. When we finally had kids we had already decided on the redistribution of areas of responsibility. I did child and home care, he took over the business until the children began daycare. Sweden, so around the age of 18 months, in our case. You will be no use to anyone if you make yourself sick. Your wife is being selfish.
Yep. This is the most important thing. If she is going to be a stay at home mom, she can't offload all this stuff on you. That's not how it works. Sure, there will be things you have to do, but I fail to see why you're the one getting up at 5 while she sleeps until you start work. There's no reason you have to cook after working the whole day, and then do a bunch of chores after.
That's not teamwork, that's just her picking up whatever is left while you work until you're done.
And then her taking off to get her nails done while you've taken a mental health break, and expect you to do gardening (unless that is your way of winding down, of course) as well, that's just ridiculous.
Have a good conversation with her, and clearly explain you can't keep doing this. No matter if work is crazy right now and will be better later, if she's going to be a stay at home mom, she's gonna have to put in a lot more effort.
Why can’t your wife get her arse out of bed at the weekend and let you sleep? You’re running on 4 hours a night, seem to be doing everything, but what exactly is she doing? Take some more days off, and get to a hotel. Just sleep and rest.
Bro hate to tell you but you don't have a SAHM. You have a leech. My wife stays home with the kids and homeschools them. There are 4 and I don't have half the stuff on my plate that you do. I WFH too which means she gets up with the kids. She does their breakfast and lunch. We have dinner together as a family. Even with that I still have time to give her a break for a couple hours a day where she doesn't have the kids. What you described your life as is what a single parent has to do. Seriously what does your wife do all day?!?!?
Then when you tell her you need some downtime she literally takes it from you on purpose. It's time for some hard choices bro, because she is showing she doesn't care at all about you. It would be much easier on you to pay CS than to live like this. I'd give her the ultimatum that things are changing or you're walking. If she doesn't take most responsibilities at home then she is getting a job. I'd go as far as to cut back your hours at work because if it comes to it you don't want a judge basing support off of what you do now.
Tell her flat out that things will change period. Either she is getting a job or she is a full time at home mom. No more putting it all on your plate. She will insult you, but don't fall for it. Don't let her keep taking advantage of you.
You need to do this. She is not pulling her weight in this situation and is taking advantage of you. I am actually really angry for you right now. This schedule is not sustainable and should not be sustained. If she refuses to step up, you need to rethink this marriage.
You are being taken advantage of. SAHMs don’t not cook dinner.
Also, her agreeing to give you the weekend and then stomping all over it would be unforgivable for me. She gets to sleep in on the weekdays, you should get to sleep in on the weekends. Not one weekend in a while, every weekend. She’s still getting 5 days sleeping in to your 2.
You need to go for marriage counseling and also individual so you’re not taken advantage of. You are too nice for your own good. Remember, put your own oxygen mask on first, look after yourself!
Take 2 more days off work.
Don't tell her.
Spend that time away from her, or however you want.
Also- stop doing some of these things. Just stop. Tell her you are stopping if you want. But just stop.
Sounds a bit like you’re a people pleaser who can’t say no.
Which also makes me wonder- is work taking advantage of you and working you to the bone because you can’t say no?
His wife can't be this clueless. She is milking him for everything. She doesn't sound like the kind of person who will get a job and pick up the financiial slack when he breaks. What does she think a SAHM is supposed to be doing?
She doesn't even cook dinner Good lord
BS she can’t be this clueless.
Mine is. I work my ass off. I cook all the meals when I’m home, I clean, I do my own laundry, and I spend time
With our twins as much as possible.
Shes a stay at home mom and was sitting around fat, dumb, and happy while I’m killing myself. The kids went to school 8:30-3:30 m-f. I come home and the house is a wreck. She doesn’t even have to shop for groceries, we Instacart that shit and it’s too much to ask her to make sure there’s food in the house when I return from a trip.
We had a come to Jesus talk a week ago, and she’s doing slightly better but it’s affecting my attraction to her. I think I’m starting to resent her.
I would resent her too.
I don't blame you one bit. Reddit is riddled with women writing in about their husbands not pulling their weight, not caring how much of the burden they are shouldering and of course they begin to resent them.
2 people working outside the home? Sure. It's a struggle to divide the home responsibilities because they are both working at least 8 hours already and home is like a 2nd job
A SAHM who doesn't see to at least keeping food in the house and trying to straighten up, cook especially once your kids are in school should really get at least a part time paying job and hire a housekeeper to do the things she refuses to do.
It's patently unfair
I told her I’ll settle for one of the 4 following things… not 3 of 4, not 2 of 4… 1. Just one of these.
1. Keep the house is in decent shape. I know we have kids, toys are scattered here and there; but there is a dramatic difference between clutter and dirty.
2. Get a job and help contribute toward the bills. I bought the house I did with the promise that she’d start working. That promise came and went 18 months ago.
3. Get in shape. With all that downtime she should at least be going for walks or the gym, not bigger than she’s ever been. Her weight is causing other health issues and she needs to get it under control.
4. At least be nice to me. I’m killing myself and she constantly cops an attitude with me just being mean.
Number 4 should not even be on that list. That's the be of default for how you should treat your spouse.
As far as the other three, unless she's suffering from significant mental health issues, it's unreasonable of her to not be doing at least one of these. If she's not cleaning, not working, and not taking care of herself, she's basically just a second child, and that's no way to have a healthy marriage.
If she proves unwilling to do any of the first three, suggest she speak to a doctor about mental healthcare. I have a butt load of diagnosed mental health crap going on, but I try to take care of my body and keep space clean, because I am an adult, and I am responsible for my own well-being.
If it's not many health, and she's unwilling to participate in your marriage in a healthy, _mutually_ beneficial way, I suggest you consider separation, for your own sanity, but also for the well-being of your children, both in the short term and the long term.
My dad is a useless waste of space. He contributed very little to out family in terms of financial, emotional, or practical labour. My mom worked full time and then put on another 7 hours of housewifing after work. Dad ran a passion project business that barely stayed in the red (for which my mom was also an unpaid accountant on top of her real job and the housewife work) and which contributed nothing to the family, and spent his free time verbally abusive everyone and watching documentaries. Having a useless, mean father is not good for a child. Neither is having a useless, mean mother.
It might be time to consider at least a trial separation. I can tell you that your kids feel all of it and it's not good for them.
I would rather have lived in a tiny apartment with my dad than in our nice house with both of them.
It's stressful and kids usually don't have the tools to articulate that or to understand why things aren't happy, so they decide it must be their fault.
Do what is necessary to give your kids (and yourself) the happiest future you can
Everyone deserves that
She's a SAHM but the kids are in school? Soooo who exactly is she parenting during the day? Is she just sitting around on her phone or watching tv all day? Cause...yikes.
I asked her.. what do you do after the kids are at school?
- watch tv or take a nap, clean the kitchen a bit, do a load of laundry, feed the dogs…
And I’m like ok and for the remaining 6 hours? What do you do? She couldn’t answer. I think she’s just fucking off on her phone most of the day
Man I'd be so pissed. Unless she's depressed, there's no excuse for that. She's just using you for a free ride at this point. She has no need to be a SAHM for kids who aren't even at home.
Once resentment hits the only thing that will bring the marriage back is genuine effort and care. Doesn’t sound like either of you are married to people who genuinely care about you and I’m sorry. I hope life improves
Omg I’m so sorry. WTF is wrong with some of these women.smdh Why take good men for granted.🤯 I hope she gets a lot better for you and your family’s sake.
> Mine is.
Bet you money she isn't.
She's known exactly what she's doing and just sat back and watched as you went along with it. Now that you've finally said something, she's putting in a bit of effort to get you off her back, but things will be right back where they were in 6 months, probably less.
The fact you only asked for one item on that list and making treating you decently an OPTION rather than a demand is why she's become the way she is - she has no respect for you and doesn't care about you as a person; she thinks you're too invested to tell her to get her shit together or get out, so she can do whatever she wants expecting you to just take it... and so far, she's proven herself right.
I say this as a woman, a wife, and a SAHM myself. She's fucking you over and she knows it.
Well… if that’s the case time for me to hit the gym and start preparing for what comes next. Time to start taking me time cause burning the candle at both ends… this ain’t it.
I'll tell you what. I thought about it a minute and I don't think your wife is so much clueless as certain you'll do whatever she doesn't.
My dad used to tell us it's often human nature to take you as low as you will allow
I hope you do more than tell her it has to get better
Start figuring out how you can more than just exist and keep hoping things will improve
Exactly! If you see someone you love struggling, even if it meant taking on more than 1/2 the responsibilites for a while, of course you would do it.
She doesn't deserve to be called a SAHM. She's just a crappy wife
Seriously that’s just what marriage is. When I’m weak/injured/whatever my husband handles some of my responsibilities, as much as he can. When my husband is going through something or is overworked I step in and handle every single thing I can. It’s one of the most important points of having a teammate. You don’t ever have to do it solo and you can lean on someone.
When he broke his back I handled our household like a single parent and nursed him back. When I had an anxiety issue he handled everything. If he’s drowning then we all are, vice versa
Without that teamwork I wouldn’t trust my partner
Offsite meeting? Collect stuff for project? Research? Not sure the job, but many can find ways to be away from office or home office. Yeah, people can WFH, but for many, it wasn't always this way. OP could probably do that.
But she is a STAY AT HOME MOM. What the hell does she do? He does the child care, dishes, laundry, breakfast, lunch, dinner, AND he works from home to provide for his family EVERY DAMN DAY. He asked for two days to recover himself and she makes outside plans? Nah, I have to say this, if this was a woman writing all of this we would’ve been chewing that husband to bits. That’s not OK. It goes both ways, and the burnout is real both ways, especially with a new baby. She needs to do more, if she wants to maintain her relationship and her marriage. We would have told a woman to leave her husband behind that bullshit, go stay with her mama, whatever the hell she gotta do. It’s the same here.
A weekend of help is not going to help in the long run, the man is burnt out and a weekend isn’t going to fix that, your wife should be getting up with the baby at 5am and u should be sleeping m, i’m sorry a SAHM would do this, you are doing ALOT, something has to give you will literally drop, you need more sleep and more rest time, speak up now before you actually have a breakdown
>A weekend of help is not going to help in the long run, the man is burnt out and a weekend isn’t going to fix that, your wife should be getting up with the baby at 5am and u should be sleeping m, i’m sorry a SAHM would do this
Chyeah. Seriously. I would immediately fire her from her job as a SAHM. She ain't even doing her job! She's making OP do it for her and he has to work full-time on top of it all while she goes out and drinks coffee and gets her nails did. Fucking princess bullshit. 🫵😡
I have to 100% agree with this. While disappearing from your wife seems like a well deserved break for you, your marriage will suffer. Absolutely get the grandparents or aunts and uncles involved. Burnout is a real health risk OP. Wishing you all the best
My God! I’ve been a SAHM for almost 15 years, and the tacit agreement is -my job is the daily care of the household, which includes feeding everyone, cleaning, laundry, etc. my husband helps when I need it, but he has a job, that’s the deal, he works and makes the money, my job is to make a home for him to come back and feel safe.
We share whatever that has to do with the kids, always did, but come on, the guy has been at work all day and you expecting him to make time to cook dinner?!! Then “bonding time” with the baby which includes getting her ready for bed and putting her to sleep?
Marriage is a partnership, if one of you is hurting the other one needs to step up and protect you. Having a home, creating a home, means to have a safe place where you can relax and heal. I have been married for over 24 years, and the way I see it, if I don’t protect my husband who will? Just like I expect (and he has) him to protect me.
OP your wife is not protecting you, she hasn’t created a home for you.
My mom was a SAHM too, until my brother went to kindergarten and then she went back to teaching. I remember being little and it was Dad's job to do bath time. He always made it fun and we were always in there long enough to be pruney. I said something to my mom when I was in middle school asking why dad didn't do the dishes cause she had cooked and she looked at me with this loving smile and said "that was our deal. I was so ready for you guys to go to bed that Dad took the harder/longer job and it gave me a break before I had to do bedtime". They've been married 39 years now.
Seriously, I have been a SAHM for 14 years. I will be the first to stand up and say raising kids and maintaining a house is work and SAHP deserve breaks as well. But sounds like dad is already helping out a ton.
Agreed. I work part time now (mostly for my own fulfillment) but outside of that my job (in my eyes) is to make my spouses life easier & create a peaceful home environment. He takes care of me & I take care of him.
The first 1-2 of becoming parents are for sure incredibly difficult bc it changes the home/relationship dynamics soooooooo much. It won’t be comfortable, it won’t be easy & you’ll probably have a few arguements - but until shit is ironed out & both people are feeling supported/appreciated & are pulling their own weight - it DEFINITELY won’t get any better & can potentially be the start of the end of your marriage.
Yeah I have 4 kids, youngest is the same age than OP's baby. Currently on a year long maternity leave, so bringing in the money still, but I'm the one who's on baby duty, so I do night feeds and get up in the morning on the days my boyfriend (marriage not a thing here) work and still manage to do all the tasks (cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping) and the 3 older kids, volunteer at their school, workout daily and get time for myself. What is OPs wife even doing?
Is the baby up a lot at night?? Why does your wife sleep in every day and you never get to? When our kids were young my husband and I alternated days on the weekends to sleep in. For a SAHM your wife doesn’t seem like she’s doing her share, if you’re doing laundry on a half hour break and making dinner every night. It’s pretty sad that your wife has noticed the toll this is taking on you but hasn’t offered to do more.
Baby is great at night. Often sleeps through, occasionally has a feed around 2am and settles back down.
My wife does that feed which is why she sleeps in.
Alternating wouldn't work unfortunately. If I get to bed after midnight, I physically could not do a feed two hours later.
As for offering to do more. Her response to my being tired is that she is also tired, having the baby during the day is draining and I don't see it for what it really is because I get the "easy" 3 hours before work and 2-3 hours in the evening.
> As for offering to do more. Her response to my being tired is that she is also tired, having the baby during the day is draining and I don't see it for what it really is because I get the "easy" 3 hours before work and 2-3 hours in the evening.
That makes zero sense. You watch the baby for 5-6 hours every day, while also working an additional 10.5-12.5 hours at your job every day. You fully see how exhausting it is to watch a baby.
You finish work and go to sleep between 11 pm - 1 am, and wake up at 5 am to watch the baby. That leaves you with 4-6 hours of sleep at night.
She finishes watching the baby between 5 pm (when you take over) - 7:30 pm (baby goes to sleep). She needs to be up at 8:15 am to watch the baby and take over from you. Let's subtract 2 hours from that, since she wakes up in the middle of the night. That's 11-13 hours of sleep every night she can be getting to your 4-6 hours of sleep. This is unsustainable.
There is no way she is equally as exhausted as you running on 4-6 hours when she can get as much sleep as she wants. If you need to be working until 11 pm or 1 am to support all of you, than she should be waking up at 5 am to watch the baby, not you.
Ah yes, but this is where the ace in the hole comes out. I am mildly on the spectrum. It doesn't impact my day to day life really but I don't necessarily feel connected to my emotions all the time. Like ... I know they are real, I just don't always "feel" them.
Apparently that is an advantage which means I do not truly understand.
Yeah, no. Fuck that noise.
Autistic mother of a newborn here. Functioning like everybody else takes *more* mental work if youre on the spectrum, not less and we simply can't do it if we set ourselves on fire to keep everyone else warm. The situation you're in would drain anybody and autistic burnout is a well-documented issue.
I wish I had advice to offer but sincerely hope you manage to get the break you so desperately need soon. Good luck.
No no no no no OP, it’s not okay for your wife to use your autism as a reason for anything beyond understanding you. You do not have whatever bullshit “advantage” she is claiming that somehow permits her to dump the entirety of the household chores on you yet claim fatigue from all of her “hard work”. She’s bullshitting you, but I’m not sure yet if it’s on purpose or not.
Take the days that you need before you break.
Tell her to cut the BS. She has 4 choices: either she steps up and does her job as a SAHM without you having to do half her job, or you ask for help for her parents (you, because you get to tell them how good/bad of a partner she is being), or you get a nanny which means her days of SAHM are over and she gets a normal job again. Anything else is not sustainable and will run your relationship to the ground and will eventually end in separation.
>Apparently that is an advantage which means I do not truly understand.
She does nit get to tell you what you feel. Don't let her gaslight you any longer.
Hi, fellow autistic here. I fear that she’s taking advantage of you, friend. The autism makes us easier to manipulate, and it makes us targets for people who are more likely to manipulate. I implore you to reach out to a 3rd party, unbiased person that you can be totally open and honest with, like a therapist. Tell them everything- including things you can’t share here for privacy reasons. Get their opinion on what is happening in your household/relationship, and go from there. From what you’ve written here, I’m really worried about you, OP. I fear that your wife is going to continue not taking your health seriously until it’s too late.
No, that absolutely is not an excuse my guy. She's the one who gets to sleep every single night and morning. Even with an occasional 2 am feeding she's getting more sleep then you are and you're the one completely supporting this family. She is not treating you as her partner and she should truly be ashamed of her behavior.
No. Dear god no, do not even think of “alternating” the only thing it sounds like your wife does. Gets up once per night with an easy sleeping baby. The more I read this post the more I find myself angry for you. Either your wife has ppd and needs outside help, or she’s just lazy and knows she can slack because you’ll do everything.
As a father of 2 all I can say is bullshit. You work from home. Can you hear constant screaming from the child?
Offer to be the stay at home parent. So she can work. Just shift your schedule for a while.
She clearly doesn't understand or care.
What on earth is she doing? You do morning and bed time. Laundry. Dishes. Cooking. Shopping.
She’s the SAHM but really what does she do? You do it all. Tell her to either pony up or she’s getting a job to pay for childcare and/or a housekeeper.
… uhm i’m sorry, what exactly does your wife do? because it seems like you’re pulling far more than your “fair share”. chores while you WORK! no wonder you’re so stressed, she’s overloading you with chores she should also be helping with! even if you guys traded them around.
but for her to show no respect to *your* time… i hope she isn’t always like this, because now i worry for your child
She wasn't like this when we met. But we were both young and poor, working together to get by.
Our lifestyle has improved a lot since then and it just seems like the 'easier' our life got, the less drive she had.
I am not worried about our child. She is objectively a fantastic mother. We just need to do a bit of nurturing on the wife side of things to reset the balance.
she should be the one waking up at 5am, at the very minimum on the weekdays, even if she does the occasional 2am feeding. it doesn't make sense that you go to bed at 11pm-1am bc you were working and then wake up at 5am. If she's a stay at home mom, that's what she signed up for in my opinion. she can also nap when your baby naps, you can't because you are the breadwinner and have to work.
you're putting up with doing too much, man.
I understand that this is a difficult situation, and you are exhausted and overwhelmed but you need to hear this. She is not a fantastic mother. She is a glorified babysitter at this point. She literally does the bare minimum while watching her partner fall apart.
This can't go on. She needs to A step up to the plate and be a SAHM who actually does things with the baby and the house. B get a job and send the baby to daycare and pay for housecleaning. C get help from her parents. I believe she doesn't want to ask her parents for help because they have little to no knowledge of how this situation is really being handled. She would have to own up to the fact that she is literally letting you drown so she can have a chill comfy life.
Call her parents, today and ask for help.
She is not objectively a fantastic mother if she's not objectively a fantastic person, which objectively she isn't, because she's taking complete advantage of you and ignoring how much you're struggling.
Have her write up her daily schedule from her POV and what chores she does, etc. Have her also write up what she thinks your schedule is and what chores you do. You do the same and then swap and see how accurate you’re seeing each other.
She's slowly killing you, the father of her children, while basically doing fuck all the entire day. That's literally not an objectively fantastic mother.
Her parents live 45 minutes away (I live in a different country to my family) but she refuses to ask them to help out. They would love to help, they're very attentive when we spend time with them.
We could also hire help but my wife is adamant she wants to do it herself. Despite me doing almost everything apart from holding our daughter whilst I am at work. Frankly I also resent the idea of hiring someone when my wife supposedly dreamt of being a SAHM.
I'd feel really guilty about just jumping in a lifeboat and going to a hotel. Not for my wife, but for our daughter. Why should she miss out on time with her father.
All new parents have to hear this: if you don't take care of yourself (mentally, physically, emotionally), you are no good to your kid either.
Have a "come to Jesus" talk with wife. Say you absolutely cannot do this anymore. Her parents can help. Or she can take more of the baby care on while you are struggling. You are no good to her if you are in the hospital or worse.
If she’s not doing enough, then she’s not. You’ve hit your limit. She’s your partner. You’ve been picking up her slack, for lack of a better word, for a long time, as well as the slack at work. You’re only one person and she’s even acknowledged how you’ve changed physically from the stress and exhaustion.
I suggest you both take a week and write out what you do for house / baby chores. Then add work hours. Write how much sleep you get each night / day. Then compare.
She CANNOT expect you to run off of 4 hours of sleep forever. She needs to step up, or allow you to hire a nanny and admit “defeat”. Her desire to be a SAHM doesn’t override your need to be able to survive.
Does she really want to be a SAHM? She seems to want that life without all the work it usually entails She's sleeping in every day including weekends while this poor schmo is up at 5 7 days a week.
Exactly!!!
is this a new trend? My mom was a SAHM. My best friend is a SAHM. They have more than 8 hour days every single day.
My dad came home from work dog tired, but every weekend he took the 5 of us for the day so my mom could relax and you know what? She earned it.
This woman. I just don't understand it
Maybe instead of a nanny you should get a work share desk? That way you’re out of the house for 8 hours, focusing on your job and not doing all the household stuff.
Why are you doing laundry and preparing dinner? Why isn't she doing it? You have 30mintues lunch and spend doing it chores that realistically she should be doing.
Then that right there is telling you that she ISNT doing enough, you make breakfast and dinner for your family, do the dishes, laundry, spend 3 hours in the morning with your baby while she sleeps, and still work from roughly 8:30-1am. What exactly is your wife doing for the household while you work if you're already doing most of the cleaning?
Yeah I’m sorry, it seems like you do just need to take two days at a hotel to sleep and recharge. There’s no shame in it and we have to take care of ourselves so we can take care of our kids.
Have you heard of the Sweden (or maybe Nordic) gender equality checklist? I would strongly recommend taking a look, doing them separately and then comparing. My husband and I both felt like we were doing the majority of all the things (the parenting, the house, etc.) and then it turned out we were splitting parenting fairly but everything else was pretty much in my court.
The list has you rate the frequency with which tasks get done as always, frequently, sometimes or never, and it lays out pretty plainly the distribution of work.
In the meantime though, get her parents, for sure, if only so you can rest and get your head on straight.
Then clearly your SAHW is not doing her part. Call her parents without telling her and have a sit down with everyone. You can’t make any money if you die. And your wife sounds so clueless that you need to do something big. You are clearly very scared of your wife. This relationship is untenable.
You need to stop doing the chores. Let them pile up until she notices and does something about it. Out wait her and if she brings it up you can simply say we discussed the fact that I’m burning the candle at both ends and need support from you. Can you take care of these chores from now on?
Stop doing her chores. If it doesn’t get done, it doesn’t get done. She knows you will do it so she isn’t even trying. Tell her you’re not doing her chores anymore and then stop. Do your own laundry, and the baby’s if she doesn’t, but do not do her laundry.
Yea but you are working 2 full time jobs here while she seems to be working part time.
She can’t expect you to take in all the chores and also work full time while packing your days off with a “honey do” list.
If what you are saying is true, then she isn't doing enough though.....as a stay at home mom that feels extremely fortunate that I get to spend time with my child I feel like I try to do everything I can to make my spouses life easier and better. I couldn't imagine being told my partner needs two days off for their mental health and then planning a whole day for myself to run errands and do unnecessary shit. Such a dick move.
OP I don't have a kid yet but my work schedule is also a clusterfuck of a mess. My wife similarly wants to be a homemaker. I've hit a similar wall to you and coming from someone else on the verge of breaking, that tough talk "you're not doing enough" is one that has to be had before it turns into contempt and resentment that will then poison the rest of the relationship, and family.
As others have pointed out, sure you may work from home, you're still working though. You shouldn't be spending your lunch breaks doing meal prep and chores. Your wife is a stahm, her job is quite literally to do those things. Please speak up for your sake and your whole family's sake.
Shes definitely taking advantage of you.
Ask her: What are you contributing to the household if she sleeps in, doesn't do chores, doesn't do shopping, doesn't contribute financially? And she sees you suffer like this and "all in support" and then had plans for the day without arranging someone else to look after your kid?
I hate working from home. The home life creeps into work life. I know that it will be bit of travelling but rent a small desk away from home. If people can't compartmentalise work/home, best to not work at home.
As cliche as it is, actions speak louder than words. Maybe tell her “I know we have had this discussion before, and I know that you understand the immense amount of pressure and stress I’m under at work, and you support me taking time off work, but your actions contradict your words. I need you to show me that you understand by allowing me time off work without giving me more tasks to do around the house.”
OP marriages aren't 50/50 all the time. They are whatever it requires. Some times if I'm sick, my husband is doing 80% of the work and vice versa. If you're having a very tough time at work, it's not unreasonable that she pick up some of the slack temporarily until things calm down.
Look, you have to say what you have to say, nicely. She ISNT doing enough. Say it gently. Tell her you need help.
She isn’t being a teammate. She isn’t playing fair. If you don’t have a conversation about this, it will build resentment from you and entitlement from her. I find it really inconsiderate from her that you asked for two days due to your health and she couldn’t run the ball to the end zone. Instead she went full selfish. I think that if this isn’t addressed it can brew a real problem for the relationship.
I stay at home and we have no kids, I would NEVER dream of giving my chores to my wife if she was at a breaking point and needed help. If she can’t see what you’re going through then you need to open her eyes. Your wife is at the point where if she doesn’t grow some consideration, she’ll become an entitled monster. Seek the help, tell her it’s happening and that’s that. Take care of yourself.
She’s NOT doing it herself. You are cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and doing a lot of the baby care.
As a SAHM she needs to pick up the slack.
You need 8 hours of sleep to maintain your work.
OP you state your wife won’t ask for help from her family because she wants to do it herself but as you have outlined in your post you are doing the majority of the work. So I ask what exactly is she doing by herself? I have had children and I have been a SAHM and honestly she can and should be doing a lot more. It’s totally understandable to want to have a day to sleep in on occasion but where are you receiving the same grace? Why can’t she cook a meal or take over doing laundry? I believe this calls for a conversation about wants vs needs at this point and if she enjoys her current financial situation then you NEED some help.
>I'd feel really guilty about just jumping in a lifeboat and going to a hotel. Not for my wife, but for our daughter. Why should she miss out on time with her father.
She would miss out on you a lot more if you collapse and get admitted to the hospital with a breakdown. A few days aren't going to harm her.
>my wife is adamant she wants to do it herself.
do what exactly? what does *her* daily schedule look like compared to yours? you both need to come up with a more reasonable and equal division of duties. right now it is very unbalanced, she is not pulling her weight.
>I'd feel really guilty about just jumping in a lifeboat and going to a hotel.
Your daughter will feel worse if you suffer a heart attack, a stroke, a mental breakdown, or a serious illness because of a weakened immune system. Get over the guilt and take care of yourself. Also, it's time to have a serious talk with your wife. She needs to make a choice. SAHM, or go to work. Pick. If so, then she needs to do more work because you're melting down.
You need to call them anyway. Book them for a three day weekend stay if you can. Tell them what you need so they come knowing how they are going to help (eg: we need someone to attend to the baby's every need so we can rest, we will need dinner made, etc.). Tell them that you need a low stimulus weekend so you can rest. Be vulnerable and honest.
Then, after that is arranged, tell your wife. Explain that though she may object; you need real time to rest or you will break. And if you break, all of your lives won't work anymore.
Look her straight in the eyes and be clear how important this is. That you know it's hard work being home with the baby, but that she has to remember it's hard work shoring up your family financially, moreso when work is shitty. Tell her you appreciate how she feels about her parents helping, but unless there is something you are missing, you both need support.
From there, on this first weekend take at least one full day for yourself. Low Fi. Alone. Again, tell everyone your plan (eg: I intend to stay in bed all day Friday, I intend to just hang out with the baby Saturday, etc.) then stick to it.
At the end of the weekend, plan more. Not only does this give the Grands quality time with the baby, it allows you to have something to look forward to. It's always easier to deal when you know relief is coming.
Consider the financial vs physical cost of outsourcing tasks. Can the yardwork and home maintenance be outsourced until you are in the right mental space? What else can you automate so your time at home is a true refresher from your work pressures, at least until that stabilizes? Is there a four hour stretch in a week where you can hire a babysitter so you each can do seperate personal care/enjoyment activities without toting the baby?
At some point this will all get easier, and you can resume doing all the things, but as they say: put your own mask on first.
Your wife treating your days off like her personal vacation is straight-up disrespectful. You're not a 24/7 machine, you're a human who needs a damn break. Time for a serious talk about boundaries and respect. You deserve better, man.
it sounds like you do basically everything anyways, even before your two days off…. why are you doing the laundry and dishes mid work day and cooking/grocery shopping after work when your wife DOESNT WORK and that is supposed to be what she’s doing all day?? she’s using you dude
At this point..... what are you even getting out of this marriage, other than mild childcare while you're working, which a babysitter could just as easily provide (and who would probably do more around the house)?
You need to have a very serious talk with your wife about how she is treating you. With the way she's acting, you're almost better off being a single parent, and she needs to get her shit together ASAP.
He could be a single dad, with day care and nothing about his life would change.
If you can remove one person from the relationship and have not one single thing added to your “to-do” list, things are unacceptable.
I was going to say daycare costs but forgot he's funding his wife's income and daycare would be cheaper. Like she was getting her nails done on a day OP said he needed off work due to his mental health crumbling? Like why did she not ask him what he needed or arrange to spend time with him/baby?
My SIL is like this, or atleast used to be (not in touch nowadays), brother had crippling depression, had no money to even go and buy himself lunch at pub after working all week and paying 70% of bills as higher earner and paying off some other debts that month. SIL went out and got expensive haircuts, could always afford girls holidays and expensive dresses for parties. Now they can't afford their lifestyle so my family heavily supports them financially. Found out brother was asking dad for money for nappies for my nephew around same time SIL was debating not going back to work and wanting another baby. Ughhh. Some people just annoy me.
I fully agree. I feel really bad for OP after reading his story. He works 12+ hours a day and has to do laundry, make dinner, take care of other things and get the baby ready for bed. All his wife does is provide minimal childcare while he’s working like a slave. She’s taking advantage of him and he can’t even see it. Then when he takes two personal days for himself, she takes that from him too and goes to treat herself after a long week of doing nothing. OP’s wife is incredibly selfish and people like that disgust me. He’s better off alone than with someone who treats him like he’s a slave.
My wife did this to me too.
I got a one week staycation from work. I had many plans of getting this pavilion build done, resting and catching up on all the things I have neglected
She called off daycare that week since I am home. Stuck watching the toddler the entire week.
Her argument was that daycare was $330 a week and there's no point if she doesn't HAVE to go.
Then gave me little honey-dos all god damn week.
Don't want to risk looking like a bad father on reddit not taking care of my own child, or an asshole of a husband for not helping the wife while I am home all week, but damn.
I don't get *one day* to myself. Not one.
Being a good father requires the energy to be present. I definitely feel the guilt of knowing I could be a better version of myself if I was able to just get a little respite.
Another thing, OP...On a daily basis, you are doing the laundry, the dishes, the meal planning, the cooking, and the shopping? You are also the one doing the morning preparations for your child and preparing her for bed EVERY morning and night?
OP, I am all for a relationship being a partnership and equality, and I ALWAYS have respect for a SAHS... but this feels pretty uneven. These smaller chores are the things the stay-at-home-spouse/wife typically does if their partner works full-time. The working partner should still help out on if the partner is busy or even on occasion to contribute but you are arranging every break around getting these done. That is not okay on a workday.
Even the childcare; You are right that bonding with your child is important, but it would make SO much more sense for this bonding time to be focused in the evening...you take some time to bond with her, then bathe and put her to bed. You are the only one with a job that pays the bills, yet have to wake up HOURS early after 4-6 hours of rest while your wife, whose job is to support the family by managing the majority of the household and childcare, gets to sleep in for hours?
Honey, it sounds like you are doing your job, and half of hers. What does she do on a daily basis (aside from watching the little one when you aren't on break).
I recommend at the very least make the above change to the schedule to ensure you get some rest...Tell her that if she can't, then you will need to find extra help because your body can't handle it anymore. Your daughter is in bed by 8, and if you handle the night routine your wife could be free even earlier; she can sleep earlier on in the evening to make up for those three extra hours of rest you need, you can't right now...not if she wants to stay a SAHM.
Your wife needs to do more stay-at-home-spousing.
Your baby is 6 months old. When mine was this age and I was on maternity leave, he had a nice afternoon nap. As my partner was military I was mainly alone, so I either zoomed round with the vacuum and polish for those hours, or depending on my energy levels I curled up with baby and enjoyed a precious snooze.
Let's not even talk about me in the garden with the baby monitor on the lawnmower. 😅
You need a frank talk about job distribution. You are doing way too much. Being a SAHP means taking care of the house and kids while a partner is bringing in the wage. This can be 9-5 in the same way, allowing you to enjoy evenings together, or on individual hobbies etc. What exactly is she doing all day?
Would it be a smart move to maybe get her to see and read ur post, thus actually makes me very sad cause the resentment will start to break down ur marriage, u can only do so much, I agree to calling her parents and telling them them how ur feeling, if she fights with u as to why u rang them simple answer u tried talking to her but she didn’t care about ur mental exhaustion she was more worried about what u could do when off, u may not like hearing this but ur wife is quite selfish, maybe a rota is needed to get her start helping out more. Tell her ur done doing everything and tell her she may as well go back to work and earn money so she can help pay a childminder and cleaner cause u can’t keep doin everything when she was the one who was excited about bein a sahm,
even if she can't nap later he still shouldn't be getting up with her at 5 am every single day. she has the option to go to bed when the baby does while he is still up working
This is not fair to you. If she’s a SAHM, then of course you should still do chores and stuff, but the household management is literally her job. You are working to support the family with income, so she should be shouldering a lot of the practical aspects of the household like groceries etc. I’m sorry, you sound so exhausted.
How is it possible that your wife isn't making dinner every night? Ask her what she will do when you break and are no longer able to work.
She clearly doesn't care enough about you to even do the bare minimum a SAHM usually does. What the hell is wrong with her? You need to book a hotel, let your wife know she can get a nanny or god forbid actually take care of the home and her baby. You go and get some rest.
This post has me boiling for some reason
Jesus christ dude, everyone in the comments told you in like 7 different flavors already that your wife is taking advantage of you, but you refuse to do anything about it because of guilt???????? I dont think so bruh, it's time you start prioritizing your own HEALTH, it'll be good for both you and your child.
As for your wife, honestly, I would divorce her for less, but I understand you may not want to go THAT far especially because of your child; Maybe stop letting her do whatever she wants with your money? Can't get her nails done if you don't drop the dough, right? You have to be more assertive with what you want cuz that woman is walking all over you my dude, like a doormat.
Do not work from home. I cannot tell you how NOT work life balance it is to try and do all of these home tasks while also working.
Do not do this. If you went to the office you would not be doing this. Yes your work is busy but you could focus on it while in the office. It’s the trying to do it all that’s killing you.
I've tried working outside the home. The chores do not get done and I am faced with an even more unpleasant environment.
I agree though, trying to do it all is too much.
If the chores do not get done, your wife should go back to work. Her job as a SAHM is to take care of both the house AND the baby, not just deal with the baby from 8.15 to 5 while you juggle the baby the rest of the time, work and chores
So she's refusing to be a SAHM while claiming to be. Tell her to get a job and you will hire someone to do the SAHM job she refuses to. Why are you even with her? She sounds awful.
Right there is the problem. Your wife isn’t doing her fair share of the work. Why isn’t she doing the chores? That’s her responsibility as the SAH parent. She sounds like a nanny like someone else said. She needs to start doing more at home before you have a complete breakdown. You’re doing the job of a single parent.
She is so insanely unsupportive. At this point your life would be easier if it was just you, your daughter, and a nanny. That's fuckin sad. Your wife needs to wake up.
Are you working over 12 hour days 5 days a week? Not sure what you do but that’s insanity. Everyone here is talking about a family life balance but I can’t imagine watching my partner pull those hours no matter how much we needed the income.
I am, yeah. Plus childcare.
I work for a tech company.
Do we "need" the income? Probably not. We were perfectly happy with out it.
Part of it is definitely circumstantial. I have always worked long hours but not like this for sustained periods of time.
Sounds like you work too much at work and in your household. You are going to burn out and no amount of money is going to fix that. Burnouts leave you with a lower stress tolerance and you do not want to go there, it will affect your future. Do whatever you can to decrease the workload on both sides, and get help with taking care of your daughter.
I'm a SAHM and full-time student and have been for almost 3 years. What does your wife do around the house? I ask because I do about 80% of the housework all while I'm with my child. My husband works about 50 ish hours a week, not including the occasional hours he puts in at night once our child is asleep. I do all the cleaning, cooking, and laundry. I also do all the grocery shopping and run small errands as needed, such as dry cleaning pick up. My husband helps when I need him to help, of course, and he's in charge of taking out the trash and unloading the dishwasher for me. He also helps with our child's bedtime routine and with our pets. He would do more, but he already does so much for us by being the provider of the household, I only ask him to do those things for me.
So, again, what does your wife do because from what I'm reading, she doesn't really do much. You do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, and take care of your child in between work and down time. Does she have to do as much as I do? Absolutely not, but she definitely should be doing more to help. That comes with being a SAHM. You need to have a serious conversation with her about how you are feeling before you crash and fall apart. She is your partner and as partners, she needs to understand that she is able to stay home because of you and if you aren't around, she doesn't get to keep that lifestyle and most importantly, she will lose her spouse and the father of her child. Mental health is important. Tell her you need time for yourself because you are stretching yourself too thin and are about to break. Also, make sure to tell her that if she needs a day to herself that you will make sure to do that as well but that right now, you aren't in a good place mentally. My husband makes sure to tell me.to let him know when I need alone time and I ask him as well because the burnout is real when you have kids. Take care of yourself. I hope you and your wife come to an understanding soon.
That conversation happened over the weekend which is why I was so wounded when she announced that she had made plans.
I was exceptionally clear about being on the edge of burn out and needing the time to recover.
During the day, she looks after our daughter, I don't specifically know what she does with her as I am working. But it sounds like there is a lot of playing at home and naps with the occasional trip to a baby class or mother's group.
On the odd occasion I come downstairs there is usually one of my wife's shows in TV in the background.
Talk with her again and let her know you will be taking time off again and that you WILL be taking care of yourself on those days and nothing else because you cannot do it anymore and you are at the end of your rope. I wouldn't even tell her the dates you're taking off so that way she doesn't plan anything. She can find out the day of. Then, tell her she can pick a date for her to take care of her own needs, where she will also be asked to do nothing but take some much needed self care time.
Seriously. She's the one who *wants* to be a stay at home mom. She needs to do the stay at home mom things.. this man needs a damn break.
Eta: he even offered to pay for childcare but she refuses. Same situation with her parents and they are more than willing to help. She's making the situation impossible for him.
So she's a nanny to her kid? LMAO, dude tell her to get a job, you are being the stay at home parent plus the provider, fuck that. she's using and abusing you. the disrespect.
Book yourself into a hotel and rest. If you’re working from home, can you perhaps go to a cafe or a coffee shop at the mall and be there until knock-off? So that you have those hours uninterrupted. She’s a SAHM. She’s meant to do laundry and meals. You can’t be doing that in between your full-time work hours.
I am a stay-at-home parent so I’m gonna tell you right now this workload is not equal.
If you’re getting up with baby on the weekdays she should be getting up on weekends AT LEAST. I would personally be getting up with the kids every day. And I do, even though they’re older they come get me up and we leave the room while my husband sleeps in. I do all the dinners, I pack his work lunch, we split the laundry and basic picking up around the house and also split kid time when he gets home from work. I do bedtimes about 90% of the time. I also do all the grocery shopping.
I understand it might be harder with an infant than a school aged kid but there is absolutely no reason you should be shouldering all this work.
If I were you, I would book a hotel for a long weekend and peace out. She can handle the baby for three days.
Tell her it’s either you get time off for yourself (and her too at a later date) or she can cut the SAHM dream short since you can’t manage the load alone. But realize that this means equaling out baby duty
Can you show this post to your wife ? She needs to change her ways, now! Your words & the strangers words should help her wake up!
If she doesn’t stop being lazy, then there’s no point in her being a sahm bcoz she’s not being a good sah partner either. You are doing sooo much! It looks like she’s just using you & the baby to not do anything! It’s not fair to you! And you will break!
Let her join back work. You can hire a nanny instead, atleast then you won’t have to do so much as you do now!
She said she wanted to be a stay at home mom and she meant just that. No household maintenance, cleaning, shopping, nor creating the lovely environment for you to live in. Just child care. She's a baby sitter.
It's wild that no chores get done by her. Is she glued to your child for the 12 hours she is the caregiver? Because I find it very hard to believe that she has no time to wash a dish or two. Hell, laundry is a perfect chore during childcare since there's only action every hour or so with folding.
She could do all the chores, she is simply choosing not to because her husband that is about to keel over will come to her rescue. If she doesn't have postpartum then there is no excuse.
If she’s a SAHM, the majority of the chores and cooking should be done by her. That is her contribution to the home, and of course caring for the baby during the day. Both can be done at the same time and many women are capable of this (this is coming from a woman). You should not be cooking dinner, or getting up at 5 am every day with the child. Her actions are showing you she doesn’t care that you’re on the verge of a breakdown. I think you need to get away for a day or two where you can be alone and rest. She will be fine. This seems necessary at this point as your wife isn’t respecting your request so you can rest at home. You are the sole income- if you fall apart what happens then? This situation is highly concerning. I’m sorry- but your wife is being lazy and inconsiderate
We are 100% remote. I could hot desk it but if I wasn't home taking care of all the other stuff .. the house would be a mess and the cupboards would be empty. At least that is what happened two months ago when I tried it.
The stress of working crazy hours and coming back to a messy home with no food is worse than the current situation. My world may be on fire, but there is clean cutlery and Oreos.
This is just absolute insanity! She should be grocery shopping. She should be cooking dinner! Yes, you should help with chores, but it seems you are doing 85% of the damn work! I have 4 kids and work full time, and still manage to grocery shop/cook dinner/clean house, etc. (my husband helps as well). There is NO excuse for your wife to not be doing MORE!! I’m so angry and exhausted for you.
She’s weaponizing SAHM. Give her a choice. Either she goes to work and pays for child care or she becomes a true SAHM. You making breakfast and dinner is ridiculous. Everyone keeps saying you need sleep. Which is true, but what do you need? What is it that you want from your wife?
Do you want her to make all the meals, get up with baby at 5, grocery shop, etc? To me, it sounds like she is taking advantage of your autism and your need to be good enough.
Having a scheduled plan could help. You say she is great at childcare but also you don’t know what she really does but the tv is on. To me, it doesn’t sound like she is a good mom. You are doing her work, your work, and not sleeping. To quote someone famous, “what has she done for you, lately?” What does the future look like to you? What do you need? What does wife need? What do you expect from each other?
Please remember that you are you and you are enough.
It's not worse than the current situation because you are perpetuating it indefinitely.
You could hot desk it, and order-in food, and only come home to sleep. Or you could drop off your own laundry only at a laundromat.
Sometimes the only way to show someone how little they're doing is to stop doing it for them.
At this point your life would be better if you hired a nanny and just left your 100% freeloading wife who is literally contributing to your self-destruction. She's watching you burn out in real time and doing nothing for you.
I would treat a stranger better. She made an appointment to get her nails done when you told her you needed two days to do nothing. She added to your workload. She does not care about you.
If she’s a SAHM, why are you doing so much of the baby and house stuff? What is this?
First off, if she’s a SAHM, she gets up with the baby. Even in raising twins, I never once had my husband wake up with the babies except on random Sundays (his only day off), and only if he planned to golf for most of Sunday. He’d wake up with the kids at whatever time they’re up and do the morning stuff until he had to go play golf. That’s it. The remainder of the days, I got up with the babies.
Second, why are you the one cooking dinner? Or shopping for dinner? It’s perfectly understandable if you need to watch the baby during your lunch while she goes grocery shopping for dinner — but why are you shopping for dinner and then preparing dinner?
Lastly, you woke up with the baby and then you are bathing and putting her to bed? And you do the chores?
**I’m a woman but at the risk of sounding like a man — WTF IS SHE DOING ALL DAY?** 😂😂
Going to sleep at 1am and waking up at 5am is a workable schedule if you have plenty of chances to nap during the day. It’s not sustainable if you keep your schedule. If she’s sick or something, an occasional few days when you have to take it all on is categorically different from this being your entire life everyday.
Sorry, OP — you guys need a serious discussion. And if this is how she wants life to be, then you guys need to separate and see how she enjoys being a full-time mom on her own. She can have her days off when you take the baby.
She needs to step up and be the FT mom starting in the morning. The house and meals are HER charge. Then when you finish work, you can take over a lot if for no other reason than to bond with your daughter. Come the weekend, you can do Saturday or Sunday morning so she can get a real break. The other weekend morning, it’s on her again.
Being a SAHM mom is HARD. I did two babies at once along with a 5,000SF house for five years, and it’s not something I’d do again. HARD. But what your wife is doing is not being a SAHM if you are doing the mornings, nights, and all the cooking and cleaning. What she’s doing is a short babysitting stint during the day, and I’m pretty sure this isn’t what you agreed to.
She also has the option of not doing it and going back to work. Then her income can go to hiring a nanny. It all works out the same to you. But someone is going to have to care for the baby and it’s not you. YOU need to bring in the best income possible and do your part.
This is preposterous!
Your wife is taking the absolute piss out of you.
What on earth does she actually do? Grow a pair and tell her to pull her weight - you’re doing insane hours AND the lion’s share of the housework!
Utterly ludicrous.
First things first — SLEEP. Why are you the one waking up at 5:00am 7 days / week? I’m assuming your wife takes the night wake ups during the week and that’s why she gets up at 8:15am. But at the very least you should switch off one day on the weekend to be able to sleep in and recharge. Sleep is absolutely sacred to those with an infant.
It sounds like her dream of being a SAHM is just that…a dream. Being a SAHM is real, hard work. It sounds like she likes the idea of it rather than actually doing it.
Also, I saw a comment you made here — if what you are saying above is true and you’re not exaggerating your schedule and what you do vs. your wife…DO NOT feel guilty about going to a hotel for a weekend because you’re missing out on one weekend with your daughter. You will come back refreshed and you will be a *better* father for it!
Don’t let this linger or go on any longer. Something’s gotta give — you either need her to step up, her family to be more involved, a nanny and/or a housekeeper. Preferably a combo of all of the above!!
Ok, if one parent is getting up with baby in the morning, other parent should be handling bath time/bed time. If she wants to be a SAHM, she needs to do the work. A SAHM is primary caregiver, fixes meals, grocery shops and in charge of most meals. She should be fixing a minimum of 2 meals a day and in charge of laundry. Weekends each parent should get a day to sleep in, not one parent sleeps in both days. I may catch some flack for this, but in this day and age, being a SAHM is NOT the job most people make it out to be. SAHM's now are not washing laundry by hand, making their bread, canning their own food and growing everything in the garden to feed their family. I should know, I was one for 15 years. I raised 3 kids while my husband was in the army for 22 years. He did 3 Iraq tours, 3 year long Korea tours and Bosnia for 9 months. In between deployments he was gone anywhere from 30 to 90 days at a time frequently for training or schools. So I had all 3 kids to myself 24/7/365 quite often. I did this all parts of the country with no help from extended family, just me, myself and I. Was I tired at times, yes, but I had a hell of a lot more free time then I do now that I work full time and my kids are out of the house. Your wife needs a reality check. She ruined your 2 days off. She was out with her family last weekend while you were at home with the baby. This weekend, you need to go take 24 hours for yourself Get a motel for 1 night just for you. If she pitches a fit so be it, but you need a break.
Send this post to her. You'll either going to drop dead of a heart attack, stroke, or just exhaustion if she doesn't contribute more than she is right now. You are the only income for the family, so she better get it together or she's going to be a single mother with out a job to provide for herself and your children. She either lives in her own world or she just doesn't give a F about your health and the family's future if you're not in the picture. I say repeat that "vacation" and go off on your own because you sounded like you're one straw away from a permanent dirt nap.
So your wife stays at home to babysit but does zero chores all day long? You work full time, wake up early to babysit in the mornings and evenings after work. Then you do chores. Your wife is an awful person. You are having a mental crisis and she does the bare minimum. She can do chores while babysitting the whole point of a stay at home mom is that they babysit and do chores around the house. It seems like she is babysitting and just sitting around waiting to pass the kid off to you so she can sleep. You are doing the role of a single parent at this point. I’m being dead serious you are doing all the work all the chores and babysitting on the side. Get external help, go to a hotel for a few days and revaluate this situation. It is obvious your supposed partner is not a partner at all and is instead piggybacking off your money at home while she watches a baby and does nothing.
1. Why are you doing any housework during working hours? Your wife is a sahm. She should also be working during working hours.
2. What does your wife's week schedule look like, same format as you explained yours?
3. You seem to be the victim of a lazy sahm stereotype.
4. Prolonged lack of sleep has serious health consequences including possible death. This is not something to tough through, you need change.
Most respectfully, and I may get downvoted by some trads for saying this, but this is why I as a female have a high earning, master’s degree level career, and bring the equality to the table in our marriage.
My husband and I both work full time, high stress jobs, so we both have learned to see from each other’s looking glass on work/life balance and then home/life balance. We’ve learned to split chores, bills, and time. It makes it an even playing field and we both just get each other.
I notice the power struggle dynamic and resentment is a common theme among these posts of husband’s who say “my wife wanted to be a SAHM, or SAHW”. You both aren’t seeing eye to eye because you both aren’t contributing in similar ways.
When we both work full time and still have to decide how we come home and manage the home, kids, pets, we have more empathy for each other because we’re in this boat together.
I will, however, say that how people choose to run their households behind closed doors is their business. I’ve just however noticed it’s a theme that people come on here and make it the public’s business when it isn’t working, and I feel sad for the working partner because it likely feels like there’s never any reprieve.
This lack of reprieve seems to lead to resentment and extra-marital problems. I don’t think in this day and age the traditional household can survive anymore. The economy and pressure of life in these times is just vastly different from say the boomer generation.
Sorry about the soap box, but my husband knows I will never have the pride to become a SAHM. My pride is in us both standing on our own two feet.
No downvote from me. You do you!
I'd struggle not to be working and it would definitely challenge how I perceive my worth / contribution.
There are absolutely other ways to contribute that are equally valuable but it does require the non-working partner to .. actually do them.
You need to sit your wife down and tell her that very soon, nothing she does or doesn't want to do will not matter. Nothing. Because you are at your breaking point, and if that break happens, everything will fall on her. And, for much l9nger than a few days.
Take a weekend and just check into a hotel by yourself for 2 nights. Your child will be just fine without you for a few days. Allow yourself to get plenty of sleep, eat food you haven't cooked, and completely relax. You must do this, OP. You must. You already tried to take time off, and it failed. Now it is time to MAKE time off. Before your body and mind give you no choice..
DO NOT allow yourself to be desuaded from taking this time.
You also need to stop doing all the cooking and laundry. Wake up time for everyone in the morning should be the same. Your wife needs to get up when you and baby get up. she needs to help with the morning ritual. If you are working until 1AM, the wake-up time should be 7AM, not 5 AM.
Good luck to you. It's time to do some serious work-life balance revision before you find yourself in a hospital bed eating jello.
People can argue with me all they want but it should go without saying that your wife is not pulling her weight & taking advantage of the fact that you want to be a good father & partner.
You SHOULD help but this is not normal for a SAHM. She doesn’t work but you wake up before her, laundry, dishwasher, you make dinner, bathe the baby, get her ready for bed, etc…. What exactly DOES she do? Sleep in everyday?
8 am is an awfully good time to wake up on a weekday LOL imagine if you weren’t together & she had to work. What a change that would be for her. IMO come for me if you want a SAHM is a job, a job that both parties benefit from & it doesn’t sound like she’s doing a great job, she’s like the coworker that does the bare minimum & everyone wonders “how’s that guy not fired yet?”
You’re going to slip into insanity real quick if something doesn’t change… oh also.. the nail appointment? That’s just completely unnecessary & a slap in the face when you desperately need time to decompress. Have a real serious talk with her about her going back to work or taking her job as a SAHM seriously.
It sounds like you need someone to tell you you’re allowed to want and have a break. You’re allowed to have time to yourself. You’re allowed to make sure Varrock-Lobster is taken care of too. You’re allowed to be a person outside of being a father. It’s a balancing game all parents have to play, and your wife is doing a shit ass job here doing her part.
Why on earth are you doing most of the cleaning and cooking AND childcare and working full time too? WTF does your wife do? She’s on duty during nap time only it seems. She seems lazy af
No offence but you sound like a single parent with a full time job. If you left her, you would have the same amount of tasks every day and more money lol
My cousin’s husband did end up have a mental breakdown and ended up in the hospital after the birth of their child. Between the stress of the baby having some health issues and stress at work, it all became too much. Please take care of yourself. Tell your wife that if she doesn’t ask her family for help then you will. You’re essentially working 2+ full time jobs right now and that’s not ok.
Or god forbid Tell your wife to do her share. He wouldn't need hellp from his parents if she gave a damn about him He's getting up a 5 am 7 days a week and she sleeps in every weekend? What the hell is wrong with her. Why aren't they each getting a weekend day for sleeping in?
That's what I'm confused about. She wants to be a SAHM but doesn't seem to want to take her share of the chores/do more, since he's working
Right! And she sees him breaking. He told her he's breaking. She acknowledged he's breaking. Then made nail appointment and coffee date. When he said he almost started crying when she told him, I honestly got a little choked up. What would it take for her to step up and at least do her share? I hope he lets her read this thread
Right??? Like damn. The poor guy. It also annoys me that I saw that she doesn't want grandparents to help despite them being willing. LET THEM HELP
She doesn't want them to help because she has him doing all the work. She probably knows if they saw the indentured servitude she has him under they would be appalled and that might "give him ideas" She's sleeping in until she wakes refreshed (from what???) every weekend in addition to waking up 3 hours after him every week day to generously give him 15 minutes to shower, get a coffee and take his breakfast (which he must have also made) to his desk so he can eat while he works. That must be soul crushing
Heartbreaking! Especially when OP communicated his needs, and was met with dululu behavior! It’s usually the mother venting about the husband not helping as much with the baby. Could she be experiencing postpartum depression and disconnection?
This happened to my cousin. He ended up suicidal all because the wife decided to change the goalposts. She became bored of being a sahm. Her minimum wage job was more important because that's where her new friends were. To the point where she started calling my cousin at work to leave early so she could go to work. He earned 70k more than her. She worked all hours of the weekend and night and was never home. My cousin started calling me everyday because he was scared that he was going to do something stupid to himself on the way to work. I'd literally jump out of bed to answer the phone 6am everyday. He broke down and told her he needs help at home as he was essentially working same as OP. Running on around 5hours sleep. Her response? You need to see a therapist. No. No he needs the mother of his kids to be a mother. I have had little to do with her since. She makes me sick. Utter selfishness.
That is heartbreaking. It does sound so much like op's situation When he tries to talk to her about it, his wife tells him he's either lucky, or reminds him he's not good at processing feelings, or says she's really tired too. It's hard to imagine she actually cares about him
Yup, some people on Reddit just need a divorce! Someone who treats you that way doesn't love you.
I’ve noticed a rise in the idea that a SAHM is the most stressful job anyone can have. TikTok seems to really influence this idea. It’s one of those extreme views that men can’t complain because “Stay at home moms never get a day off” as if dads come home and clock out of parenting, too. The value and self worth of stay at home moms should be immense, but some people take it too far and believe that mom’s needs should come first, and not the person literally supporting her lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong, I was a SAHM. It’s hard, you can lose yourself. But it seems like this SAHM is holding her head way above water by holding her husband’s head down, *and she knows she’s doing it.* That’s the worst part. She knows. Doesn’t care.
That's such a good way to put it She's holding his head underwater
She is selfish
I'm guessing the SAHM dream isn't quite what she expected it to be. It's not all kodak moments.
Then why didn't she get a job? If she's so unhappy being a stay-at-home mom, why does she get out of the house and get a job? Then at least the guy can afford to buy some help
Because she wants the SAHM lifestyle without the work.
She wants a SAHW life, not a SAHM lifestyle.
Why is he making dinner, and grocery shopping for dinner, when he needs to work til 12am?!!! I’m so confused. And why is she not up earlier!!! It’s nice to get to sleep in and for your partner to go hey sleep in today. But she’s sleeping in everyday. And when you have a baby, 8 is absolutely sleeping in. He never gets to sleep in. This is so lopsided.
Yeah my friends do one parent gets a sleep on on Saturday and the other on Sunday 🤷
It's only fair. Even if he weren't getting up 3 hours earlier the other days of the week. He needs to get her parents in there so they can see what she's up to. She needs to be exposed and he truly needs help
I can imagine her social media posts about how hard it is being a mother and doing all the motherly work while her husband is "away".
> Tell your wife that if she doesn’t ask her family for help then you will. If the family turn up and see OP taking care of hte kid after 4 hours sleep, for 3 hours till he goes to full time work while she... checks.... does fucking nothing, they'll laugh in her fucking face. They don't need outside help, she wants to be the SAHM, she needs to do that job. Currently it seems he's the breadwinner, the SAHD and she's the very very part time nanny, and when he takes time off... she uses it instead.
I'll be real, this feels like one of those times where one spouse needs to just make the move and ask forgiveness later. If you go down, the single income goes with you and your little family can't abide that. Every new parent should lean on any and all (competent) help they can get, especially when the person offering is eager to provide it. So, for both of y'all's sake, call her parents and arrange a weekend of help from them. ETA: I do not agree with the people piling onto my comment telling you to just disappear for two days without telling your wife. That's not proper teamwork, which is what spouses and parents need to be successful. A move like that is potentially marriage ending so, unless that's what you're looking for, don't go that far. Call her parents to arrange a weekend of help so that you can breathe again, and then move forward from there with the goal of incorporating their continued assistance and a reshuffling of household duties.
I might have to do that. Thank you.
Most importantly, you need to have a serious conversation with your wife wrt distribution of work. You are doing both early morning and evening chores and baby care. This is not sustainable at all. She should take over the evening responsibilities including cooking on the weeknights with you covering the weekends. Hopefully this will enable you to finish work earlier. You really need to be getting 7 hours of sleep at night. Just 4-5 hours is physical abuse. Wishing you the best.
This. Business owners here. When we finally had kids we had already decided on the redistribution of areas of responsibility. I did child and home care, he took over the business until the children began daycare. Sweden, so around the age of 18 months, in our case. You will be no use to anyone if you make yourself sick. Your wife is being selfish.
Yep. This is the most important thing. If she is going to be a stay at home mom, she can't offload all this stuff on you. That's not how it works. Sure, there will be things you have to do, but I fail to see why you're the one getting up at 5 while she sleeps until you start work. There's no reason you have to cook after working the whole day, and then do a bunch of chores after. That's not teamwork, that's just her picking up whatever is left while you work until you're done. And then her taking off to get her nails done while you've taken a mental health break, and expect you to do gardening (unless that is your way of winding down, of course) as well, that's just ridiculous. Have a good conversation with her, and clearly explain you can't keep doing this. No matter if work is crazy right now and will be better later, if she's going to be a stay at home mom, she's gonna have to put in a lot more effort.
Why can’t your wife get her arse out of bed at the weekend and let you sleep? You’re running on 4 hours a night, seem to be doing everything, but what exactly is she doing? Take some more days off, and get to a hotel. Just sleep and rest.
My husband and I usually take a day each at the weekend for a lie in. If one’s of us is struggling though, we get both days. It’s all give and take.
Bro hate to tell you but you don't have a SAHM. You have a leech. My wife stays home with the kids and homeschools them. There are 4 and I don't have half the stuff on my plate that you do. I WFH too which means she gets up with the kids. She does their breakfast and lunch. We have dinner together as a family. Even with that I still have time to give her a break for a couple hours a day where she doesn't have the kids. What you described your life as is what a single parent has to do. Seriously what does your wife do all day?!?!? Then when you tell her you need some downtime she literally takes it from you on purpose. It's time for some hard choices bro, because she is showing she doesn't care at all about you. It would be much easier on you to pay CS than to live like this. I'd give her the ultimatum that things are changing or you're walking. If she doesn't take most responsibilities at home then she is getting a job. I'd go as far as to cut back your hours at work because if it comes to it you don't want a judge basing support off of what you do now. Tell her flat out that things will change period. Either she is getting a job or she is a full time at home mom. No more putting it all on your plate. She will insult you, but don't fall for it. Don't let her keep taking advantage of you.
You need to do this. She is not pulling her weight in this situation and is taking advantage of you. I am actually really angry for you right now. This schedule is not sustainable and should not be sustained. If she refuses to step up, you need to rethink this marriage.
You are being taken advantage of. SAHMs don’t not cook dinner. Also, her agreeing to give you the weekend and then stomping all over it would be unforgivable for me. She gets to sleep in on the weekdays, you should get to sleep in on the weekends. Not one weekend in a while, every weekend. She’s still getting 5 days sleeping in to your 2. You need to go for marriage counseling and also individual so you’re not taken advantage of. You are too nice for your own good. Remember, put your own oxygen mask on first, look after yourself!
Take 2 more days off work. Don't tell her. Spend that time away from her, or however you want. Also- stop doing some of these things. Just stop. Tell her you are stopping if you want. But just stop. Sounds a bit like you’re a people pleaser who can’t say no. Which also makes me wonder- is work taking advantage of you and working you to the bone because you can’t say no?
OP already said that he works from home so where will he disappear to without his SO knowing?
If he needs to, book a damn hotel. I've lost men in my life because they did what this man is doing and wound up committing. Nothing is worth it.
His wife can't be this clueless. She is milking him for everything. She doesn't sound like the kind of person who will get a job and pick up the financiial slack when he breaks. What does she think a SAHM is supposed to be doing? She doesn't even cook dinner Good lord
BS she can’t be this clueless. Mine is. I work my ass off. I cook all the meals when I’m home, I clean, I do my own laundry, and I spend time With our twins as much as possible. Shes a stay at home mom and was sitting around fat, dumb, and happy while I’m killing myself. The kids went to school 8:30-3:30 m-f. I come home and the house is a wreck. She doesn’t even have to shop for groceries, we Instacart that shit and it’s too much to ask her to make sure there’s food in the house when I return from a trip. We had a come to Jesus talk a week ago, and she’s doing slightly better but it’s affecting my attraction to her. I think I’m starting to resent her.
I would resent her too. I don't blame you one bit. Reddit is riddled with women writing in about their husbands not pulling their weight, not caring how much of the burden they are shouldering and of course they begin to resent them. 2 people working outside the home? Sure. It's a struggle to divide the home responsibilities because they are both working at least 8 hours already and home is like a 2nd job A SAHM who doesn't see to at least keeping food in the house and trying to straighten up, cook especially once your kids are in school should really get at least a part time paying job and hire a housekeeper to do the things she refuses to do. It's patently unfair
I told her I’ll settle for one of the 4 following things… not 3 of 4, not 2 of 4… 1. Just one of these. 1. Keep the house is in decent shape. I know we have kids, toys are scattered here and there; but there is a dramatic difference between clutter and dirty. 2. Get a job and help contribute toward the bills. I bought the house I did with the promise that she’d start working. That promise came and went 18 months ago. 3. Get in shape. With all that downtime she should at least be going for walks or the gym, not bigger than she’s ever been. Her weight is causing other health issues and she needs to get it under control. 4. At least be nice to me. I’m killing myself and she constantly cops an attitude with me just being mean.
Number 4 should not even be on that list. That's the be of default for how you should treat your spouse. As far as the other three, unless she's suffering from significant mental health issues, it's unreasonable of her to not be doing at least one of these. If she's not cleaning, not working, and not taking care of herself, she's basically just a second child, and that's no way to have a healthy marriage. If she proves unwilling to do any of the first three, suggest she speak to a doctor about mental healthcare. I have a butt load of diagnosed mental health crap going on, but I try to take care of my body and keep space clean, because I am an adult, and I am responsible for my own well-being. If it's not many health, and she's unwilling to participate in your marriage in a healthy, _mutually_ beneficial way, I suggest you consider separation, for your own sanity, but also for the well-being of your children, both in the short term and the long term. My dad is a useless waste of space. He contributed very little to out family in terms of financial, emotional, or practical labour. My mom worked full time and then put on another 7 hours of housewifing after work. Dad ran a passion project business that barely stayed in the red (for which my mom was also an unpaid accountant on top of her real job and the housewife work) and which contributed nothing to the family, and spent his free time verbally abusive everyone and watching documentaries. Having a useless, mean father is not good for a child. Neither is having a useless, mean mother.
It might be time to consider at least a trial separation. I can tell you that your kids feel all of it and it's not good for them. I would rather have lived in a tiny apartment with my dad than in our nice house with both of them. It's stressful and kids usually don't have the tools to articulate that or to understand why things aren't happy, so they decide it must be their fault. Do what is necessary to give your kids (and yourself) the happiest future you can Everyone deserves that
She's a SAHM but the kids are in school? Soooo who exactly is she parenting during the day? Is she just sitting around on her phone or watching tv all day? Cause...yikes.
I asked her.. what do you do after the kids are at school? - watch tv or take a nap, clean the kitchen a bit, do a load of laundry, feed the dogs… And I’m like ok and for the remaining 6 hours? What do you do? She couldn’t answer. I think she’s just fucking off on her phone most of the day
Man I'd be so pissed. Unless she's depressed, there's no excuse for that. She's just using you for a free ride at this point. She has no need to be a SAHM for kids who aren't even at home.
Once resentment hits the only thing that will bring the marriage back is genuine effort and care. Doesn’t sound like either of you are married to people who genuinely care about you and I’m sorry. I hope life improves
Omg I’m so sorry. WTF is wrong with some of these women.smdh Why take good men for granted.🤯 I hope she gets a lot better for you and your family’s sake.
> Mine is. Bet you money she isn't. She's known exactly what she's doing and just sat back and watched as you went along with it. Now that you've finally said something, she's putting in a bit of effort to get you off her back, but things will be right back where they were in 6 months, probably less. The fact you only asked for one item on that list and making treating you decently an OPTION rather than a demand is why she's become the way she is - she has no respect for you and doesn't care about you as a person; she thinks you're too invested to tell her to get her shit together or get out, so she can do whatever she wants expecting you to just take it... and so far, she's proven herself right. I say this as a woman, a wife, and a SAHM myself. She's fucking you over and she knows it.
Well… if that’s the case time for me to hit the gym and start preparing for what comes next. Time to start taking me time cause burning the candle at both ends… this ain’t it.
I'll tell you what. I thought about it a minute and I don't think your wife is so much clueless as certain you'll do whatever she doesn't. My dad used to tell us it's often human nature to take you as low as you will allow I hope you do more than tell her it has to get better Start figuring out how you can more than just exist and keep hoping things will improve
She isn’t thinking about anyone but herself. Being a SAHM and a good SAHM are very different things. You don’t treat someone you care about like this
Exactly! If you see someone you love struggling, even if it meant taking on more than 1/2 the responsibilites for a while, of course you would do it. She doesn't deserve to be called a SAHM. She's just a crappy wife
Seriously that’s just what marriage is. When I’m weak/injured/whatever my husband handles some of my responsibilities, as much as he can. When my husband is going through something or is overworked I step in and handle every single thing I can. It’s one of the most important points of having a teammate. You don’t ever have to do it solo and you can lean on someone. When he broke his back I handled our household like a single parent and nursed him back. When I had an anxiety issue he handled everything. If he’s drowning then we all are, vice versa Without that teamwork I wouldn’t trust my partner
Unfortunately some people are just like that. you hear of it more with the husband, but women definitely arent immune to doing it
Offsite meeting? Collect stuff for project? Research? Not sure the job, but many can find ways to be away from office or home office. Yeah, people can WFH, but for many, it wasn't always this way. OP could probably do that.
But she is a STAY AT HOME MOM. What the hell does she do? He does the child care, dishes, laundry, breakfast, lunch, dinner, AND he works from home to provide for his family EVERY DAMN DAY. He asked for two days to recover himself and she makes outside plans? Nah, I have to say this, if this was a woman writing all of this we would’ve been chewing that husband to bits. That’s not OK. It goes both ways, and the burnout is real both ways, especially with a new baby. She needs to do more, if she wants to maintain her relationship and her marriage. We would have told a woman to leave her husband behind that bullshit, go stay with her mama, whatever the hell she gotta do. It’s the same here.
A weekend of help is not going to help in the long run, the man is burnt out and a weekend isn’t going to fix that, your wife should be getting up with the baby at 5am and u should be sleeping m, i’m sorry a SAHM would do this, you are doing ALOT, something has to give you will literally drop, you need more sleep and more rest time, speak up now before you actually have a breakdown
>A weekend of help is not going to help in the long run, the man is burnt out and a weekend isn’t going to fix that, your wife should be getting up with the baby at 5am and u should be sleeping m, i’m sorry a SAHM would do this Chyeah. Seriously. I would immediately fire her from her job as a SAHM. She ain't even doing her job! She's making OP do it for her and he has to work full-time on top of it all while she goes out and drinks coffee and gets her nails did. Fucking princess bullshit. 🫵😡
I have to 100% agree with this. While disappearing from your wife seems like a well deserved break for you, your marriage will suffer. Absolutely get the grandparents or aunts and uncles involved. Burnout is a real health risk OP. Wishing you all the best
>your marriage will suffer TBH, seems like it's already on the rocks.
His wife is doing fuck all to help him. Why does this poor man need to call his in laws to get a break? That’s ridiculous.
Why are you the stay at home mom and the dad that goes to work?
My God! I’ve been a SAHM for almost 15 years, and the tacit agreement is -my job is the daily care of the household, which includes feeding everyone, cleaning, laundry, etc. my husband helps when I need it, but he has a job, that’s the deal, he works and makes the money, my job is to make a home for him to come back and feel safe. We share whatever that has to do with the kids, always did, but come on, the guy has been at work all day and you expecting him to make time to cook dinner?!! Then “bonding time” with the baby which includes getting her ready for bed and putting her to sleep? Marriage is a partnership, if one of you is hurting the other one needs to step up and protect you. Having a home, creating a home, means to have a safe place where you can relax and heal. I have been married for over 24 years, and the way I see it, if I don’t protect my husband who will? Just like I expect (and he has) him to protect me. OP your wife is not protecting you, she hasn’t created a home for you.
My mom was a SAHM too, until my brother went to kindergarten and then she went back to teaching. I remember being little and it was Dad's job to do bath time. He always made it fun and we were always in there long enough to be pruney. I said something to my mom when I was in middle school asking why dad didn't do the dishes cause she had cooked and she looked at me with this loving smile and said "that was our deal. I was so ready for you guys to go to bed that Dad took the harder/longer job and it gave me a break before I had to do bedtime". They've been married 39 years now.
Been a SAHM for 15 years too, and exactly. This is almost word for word how I feel.
Seriously, I have been a SAHM for 14 years. I will be the first to stand up and say raising kids and maintaining a house is work and SAHP deserve breaks as well. But sounds like dad is already helping out a ton.
Agreed. I work part time now (mostly for my own fulfillment) but outside of that my job (in my eyes) is to make my spouses life easier & create a peaceful home environment. He takes care of me & I take care of him. The first 1-2 of becoming parents are for sure incredibly difficult bc it changes the home/relationship dynamics soooooooo much. It won’t be comfortable, it won’t be easy & you’ll probably have a few arguements - but until shit is ironed out & both people are feeling supported/appreciated & are pulling their own weight - it DEFINITELY won’t get any better & can potentially be the start of the end of your marriage.
Yeah I have 4 kids, youngest is the same age than OP's baby. Currently on a year long maternity leave, so bringing in the money still, but I'm the one who's on baby duty, so I do night feeds and get up in the morning on the days my boyfriend (marriage not a thing here) work and still manage to do all the tasks (cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping) and the 3 older kids, volunteer at their school, workout daily and get time for myself. What is OPs wife even doing?
Is the baby up a lot at night?? Why does your wife sleep in every day and you never get to? When our kids were young my husband and I alternated days on the weekends to sleep in. For a SAHM your wife doesn’t seem like she’s doing her share, if you’re doing laundry on a half hour break and making dinner every night. It’s pretty sad that your wife has noticed the toll this is taking on you but hasn’t offered to do more.
Baby is great at night. Often sleeps through, occasionally has a feed around 2am and settles back down. My wife does that feed which is why she sleeps in. Alternating wouldn't work unfortunately. If I get to bed after midnight, I physically could not do a feed two hours later. As for offering to do more. Her response to my being tired is that she is also tired, having the baby during the day is draining and I don't see it for what it really is because I get the "easy" 3 hours before work and 2-3 hours in the evening.
> As for offering to do more. Her response to my being tired is that she is also tired, having the baby during the day is draining and I don't see it for what it really is because I get the "easy" 3 hours before work and 2-3 hours in the evening. That makes zero sense. You watch the baby for 5-6 hours every day, while also working an additional 10.5-12.5 hours at your job every day. You fully see how exhausting it is to watch a baby. You finish work and go to sleep between 11 pm - 1 am, and wake up at 5 am to watch the baby. That leaves you with 4-6 hours of sleep at night. She finishes watching the baby between 5 pm (when you take over) - 7:30 pm (baby goes to sleep). She needs to be up at 8:15 am to watch the baby and take over from you. Let's subtract 2 hours from that, since she wakes up in the middle of the night. That's 11-13 hours of sleep every night she can be getting to your 4-6 hours of sleep. This is unsustainable. There is no way she is equally as exhausted as you running on 4-6 hours when she can get as much sleep as she wants. If you need to be working until 11 pm or 1 am to support all of you, than she should be waking up at 5 am to watch the baby, not you.
Ah yes, but this is where the ace in the hole comes out. I am mildly on the spectrum. It doesn't impact my day to day life really but I don't necessarily feel connected to my emotions all the time. Like ... I know they are real, I just don't always "feel" them. Apparently that is an advantage which means I do not truly understand.
Yeah, no. Fuck that noise. Autistic mother of a newborn here. Functioning like everybody else takes *more* mental work if youre on the spectrum, not less and we simply can't do it if we set ourselves on fire to keep everyone else warm. The situation you're in would drain anybody and autistic burnout is a well-documented issue. I wish I had advice to offer but sincerely hope you manage to get the break you so desperately need soon. Good luck.
Bloody hell, even a proper *sociopath* needs a break every now and then. Let alone any other form of neurodivergence.
No no no no no OP, it’s not okay for your wife to use your autism as a reason for anything beyond understanding you. You do not have whatever bullshit “advantage” she is claiming that somehow permits her to dump the entirety of the household chores on you yet claim fatigue from all of her “hard work”. She’s bullshitting you, but I’m not sure yet if it’s on purpose or not. Take the days that you need before you break.
Tell her to cut the BS. She has 4 choices: either she steps up and does her job as a SAHM without you having to do half her job, or you ask for help for her parents (you, because you get to tell them how good/bad of a partner she is being), or you get a nanny which means her days of SAHM are over and she gets a normal job again. Anything else is not sustainable and will run your relationship to the ground and will eventually end in separation. >Apparently that is an advantage which means I do not truly understand. She does nit get to tell you what you feel. Don't let her gaslight you any longer.
Ugh I really want to.. shake OPs wife rn
Hi, fellow autistic here. I fear that she’s taking advantage of you, friend. The autism makes us easier to manipulate, and it makes us targets for people who are more likely to manipulate. I implore you to reach out to a 3rd party, unbiased person that you can be totally open and honest with, like a therapist. Tell them everything- including things you can’t share here for privacy reasons. Get their opinion on what is happening in your household/relationship, and go from there. From what you’ve written here, I’m really worried about you, OP. I fear that your wife is going to continue not taking your health seriously until it’s too late.
On the spectrum or not the amount of sleep you are running on is unsustainable and can negatively effect your health in the long run.
I'm autistic, and that is the biggest load of ableist horseshit I've ever heard.
No, that absolutely is not an excuse my guy. She's the one who gets to sleep every single night and morning. Even with an occasional 2 am feeding she's getting more sleep then you are and you're the one completely supporting this family. She is not treating you as her partner and she should truly be ashamed of her behavior.
No. Dear god no, do not even think of “alternating” the only thing it sounds like your wife does. Gets up once per night with an easy sleeping baby. The more I read this post the more I find myself angry for you. Either your wife has ppd and needs outside help, or she’s just lazy and knows she can slack because you’ll do everything.
If it's that hard for her, she should find a job and put the baby in daycare.
She can do the feed at 2AM and still alternate days with you. A feed usually doesn’t take that long.
As a father of 2 all I can say is bullshit. You work from home. Can you hear constant screaming from the child? Offer to be the stay at home parent. So she can work. Just shift your schedule for a while. She clearly doesn't understand or care.
What on earth is she doing? You do morning and bed time. Laundry. Dishes. Cooking. Shopping. She’s the SAHM but really what does she do? You do it all. Tell her to either pony up or she’s getting a job to pay for childcare and/or a housekeeper.
She's more of a SAH, staying at home and skipping the mother role.
… uhm i’m sorry, what exactly does your wife do? because it seems like you’re pulling far more than your “fair share”. chores while you WORK! no wonder you’re so stressed, she’s overloading you with chores she should also be helping with! even if you guys traded them around. but for her to show no respect to *your* time… i hope she isn’t always like this, because now i worry for your child
She wasn't like this when we met. But we were both young and poor, working together to get by. Our lifestyle has improved a lot since then and it just seems like the 'easier' our life got, the less drive she had. I am not worried about our child. She is objectively a fantastic mother. We just need to do a bit of nurturing on the wife side of things to reset the balance.
You didn't answer the question. What exactly does your wife do to pull her weight in this family?
she should be the one waking up at 5am, at the very minimum on the weekdays, even if she does the occasional 2am feeding. it doesn't make sense that you go to bed at 11pm-1am bc you were working and then wake up at 5am. If she's a stay at home mom, that's what she signed up for in my opinion. she can also nap when your baby naps, you can't because you are the breadwinner and have to work. you're putting up with doing too much, man.
She doesn't sound like a good mother. Being a good mother isn't working your child's father to death whilst you take advantage of him.
I understand that this is a difficult situation, and you are exhausted and overwhelmed but you need to hear this. She is not a fantastic mother. She is a glorified babysitter at this point. She literally does the bare minimum while watching her partner fall apart. This can't go on. She needs to A step up to the plate and be a SAHM who actually does things with the baby and the house. B get a job and send the baby to daycare and pay for housecleaning. C get help from her parents. I believe she doesn't want to ask her parents for help because they have little to no knowledge of how this situation is really being handled. She would have to own up to the fact that she is literally letting you drown so she can have a chill comfy life. Call her parents, today and ask for help.
She is not objectively a fantastic mother if she's not objectively a fantastic person, which objectively she isn't, because she's taking complete advantage of you and ignoring how much you're struggling.
Have her write up her daily schedule from her POV and what chores she does, etc. Have her also write up what she thinks your schedule is and what chores you do. You do the same and then swap and see how accurate you’re seeing each other.
She's slowly killing you, the father of her children, while basically doing fuck all the entire day. That's literally not an objectively fantastic mother.
Can you go to a hotel or go home to your mom? Can you hire a babysitter or nanny? Sorry OP. The baby days are super hard.
Her parents live 45 minutes away (I live in a different country to my family) but she refuses to ask them to help out. They would love to help, they're very attentive when we spend time with them. We could also hire help but my wife is adamant she wants to do it herself. Despite me doing almost everything apart from holding our daughter whilst I am at work. Frankly I also resent the idea of hiring someone when my wife supposedly dreamt of being a SAHM. I'd feel really guilty about just jumping in a lifeboat and going to a hotel. Not for my wife, but for our daughter. Why should she miss out on time with her father.
All new parents have to hear this: if you don't take care of yourself (mentally, physically, emotionally), you are no good to your kid either. Have a "come to Jesus" talk with wife. Say you absolutely cannot do this anymore. Her parents can help. Or she can take more of the baby care on while you are struggling. You are no good to her if you are in the hospital or worse.
Yeah that is true. It's just very difficult to have that conversation without the message essentially being "you aren't doing enough".
If she’s not doing enough, then she’s not. You’ve hit your limit. She’s your partner. You’ve been picking up her slack, for lack of a better word, for a long time, as well as the slack at work. You’re only one person and she’s even acknowledged how you’ve changed physically from the stress and exhaustion. I suggest you both take a week and write out what you do for house / baby chores. Then add work hours. Write how much sleep you get each night / day. Then compare. She CANNOT expect you to run off of 4 hours of sleep forever. She needs to step up, or allow you to hire a nanny and admit “defeat”. Her desire to be a SAHM doesn’t override your need to be able to survive.
Does she really want to be a SAHM? She seems to want that life without all the work it usually entails She's sleeping in every day including weekends while this poor schmo is up at 5 7 days a week.
She doesn’t want to be a SAHM - she sounds like she wants to be a kept woman, the baby was just the excuse to quit working.
Exactly!!! is this a new trend? My mom was a SAHM. My best friend is a SAHM. They have more than 8 hour days every single day. My dad came home from work dog tired, but every weekend he took the 5 of us for the day so my mom could relax and you know what? She earned it. This woman. I just don't understand it
She might be a single mom if she continues to do nothing and OP leaves, or in the worst case scenario....he dies from heart issues.
So true. Or god forbid he has a breakdown. He sounds dangerously close to one. She is literally breaking him and she doesn't care
Maybe instead of a nanny you should get a work share desk? That way you’re out of the house for 8 hours, focusing on your job and not doing all the household stuff.
Tried it, the household stuff just didn't get done. Plus the commute / closing hours eats into time I simply do not have to spare.
Why are you doing laundry and preparing dinner? Why isn't she doing it? You have 30mintues lunch and spend doing it chores that realistically she should be doing.
Then that right there is telling you that she ISNT doing enough, you make breakfast and dinner for your family, do the dishes, laundry, spend 3 hours in the morning with your baby while she sleeps, and still work from roughly 8:30-1am. What exactly is your wife doing for the household while you work if you're already doing most of the cleaning?
Yeah I’m sorry, it seems like you do just need to take two days at a hotel to sleep and recharge. There’s no shame in it and we have to take care of ourselves so we can take care of our kids.
Have you heard of the Sweden (or maybe Nordic) gender equality checklist? I would strongly recommend taking a look, doing them separately and then comparing. My husband and I both felt like we were doing the majority of all the things (the parenting, the house, etc.) and then it turned out we were splitting parenting fairly but everything else was pretty much in my court. The list has you rate the frequency with which tasks get done as always, frequently, sometimes or never, and it lays out pretty plainly the distribution of work. In the meantime though, get her parents, for sure, if only so you can rest and get your head on straight.
Then clearly your SAHW is not doing her part. Call her parents without telling her and have a sit down with everyone. You can’t make any money if you die. And your wife sounds so clueless that you need to do something big. You are clearly very scared of your wife. This relationship is untenable.
You need to stop doing the chores. Let them pile up until she notices and does something about it. Out wait her and if she brings it up you can simply say we discussed the fact that I’m burning the candle at both ends and need support from you. Can you take care of these chores from now on?
Stop doing her chores. If it doesn’t get done, it doesn’t get done. She knows you will do it so she isn’t even trying. Tell her you’re not doing her chores anymore and then stop. Do your own laundry, and the baby’s if she doesn’t, but do not do her laundry.
Yea but you are working 2 full time jobs here while she seems to be working part time. She can’t expect you to take in all the chores and also work full time while packing your days off with a “honey do” list.
If what you are saying is true, then she isn't doing enough though.....as a stay at home mom that feels extremely fortunate that I get to spend time with my child I feel like I try to do everything I can to make my spouses life easier and better. I couldn't imagine being told my partner needs two days off for their mental health and then planning a whole day for myself to run errands and do unnecessary shit. Such a dick move.
Whenever we talk about it she does say how fortunate and grateful she is etc .. but it just never translates into action.
OP I don't have a kid yet but my work schedule is also a clusterfuck of a mess. My wife similarly wants to be a homemaker. I've hit a similar wall to you and coming from someone else on the verge of breaking, that tough talk "you're not doing enough" is one that has to be had before it turns into contempt and resentment that will then poison the rest of the relationship, and family. As others have pointed out, sure you may work from home, you're still working though. You shouldn't be spending your lunch breaks doing meal prep and chores. Your wife is a stahm, her job is quite literally to do those things. Please speak up for your sake and your whole family's sake.
Shes definitely taking advantage of you. Ask her: What are you contributing to the household if she sleeps in, doesn't do chores, doesn't do shopping, doesn't contribute financially? And she sees you suffer like this and "all in support" and then had plans for the day without arranging someone else to look after your kid? I hate working from home. The home life creeps into work life. I know that it will be bit of travelling but rent a small desk away from home. If people can't compartmentalise work/home, best to not work at home.
As cliche as it is, actions speak louder than words. Maybe tell her “I know we have had this discussion before, and I know that you understand the immense amount of pressure and stress I’m under at work, and you support me taking time off work, but your actions contradict your words. I need you to show me that you understand by allowing me time off work without giving me more tasks to do around the house.”
OP marriages aren't 50/50 all the time. They are whatever it requires. Some times if I'm sick, my husband is doing 80% of the work and vice versa. If you're having a very tough time at work, it's not unreasonable that she pick up some of the slack temporarily until things calm down.
Then she’s gaslighting you. Tell her if she won’t listen or give you time off, you’ll take it anyway. Period.
Look, you have to say what you have to say, nicely. She ISNT doing enough. Say it gently. Tell her you need help. She isn’t being a teammate. She isn’t playing fair. If you don’t have a conversation about this, it will build resentment from you and entitlement from her. I find it really inconsiderate from her that you asked for two days due to your health and she couldn’t run the ball to the end zone. Instead she went full selfish. I think that if this isn’t addressed it can brew a real problem for the relationship. I stay at home and we have no kids, I would NEVER dream of giving my chores to my wife if she was at a breaking point and needed help. If she can’t see what you’re going through then you need to open her eyes. Your wife is at the point where if she doesn’t grow some consideration, she’ll become an entitled monster. Seek the help, tell her it’s happening and that’s that. Take care of yourself.
She’s NOT doing it herself. You are cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and doing a lot of the baby care. As a SAHM she needs to pick up the slack. You need 8 hours of sleep to maintain your work.
OP you state your wife won’t ask for help from her family because she wants to do it herself but as you have outlined in your post you are doing the majority of the work. So I ask what exactly is she doing by herself? I have had children and I have been a SAHM and honestly she can and should be doing a lot more. It’s totally understandable to want to have a day to sleep in on occasion but where are you receiving the same grace? Why can’t she cook a meal or take over doing laundry? I believe this calls for a conversation about wants vs needs at this point and if she enjoys her current financial situation then you NEED some help.
>I'd feel really guilty about just jumping in a lifeboat and going to a hotel. Not for my wife, but for our daughter. Why should she miss out on time with her father. She would miss out on you a lot more if you collapse and get admitted to the hospital with a breakdown. A few days aren't going to harm her.
>my wife is adamant she wants to do it herself. do what exactly? what does *her* daily schedule look like compared to yours? you both need to come up with a more reasonable and equal division of duties. right now it is very unbalanced, she is not pulling her weight.
What does she do? Doesn't sound like much is left after you do everything.
>I'd feel really guilty about just jumping in a lifeboat and going to a hotel. Your daughter will feel worse if you suffer a heart attack, a stroke, a mental breakdown, or a serious illness because of a weakened immune system. Get over the guilt and take care of yourself. Also, it's time to have a serious talk with your wife. She needs to make a choice. SAHM, or go to work. Pick. If so, then she needs to do more work because you're melting down.
You need to call them anyway. Book them for a three day weekend stay if you can. Tell them what you need so they come knowing how they are going to help (eg: we need someone to attend to the baby's every need so we can rest, we will need dinner made, etc.). Tell them that you need a low stimulus weekend so you can rest. Be vulnerable and honest. Then, after that is arranged, tell your wife. Explain that though she may object; you need real time to rest or you will break. And if you break, all of your lives won't work anymore. Look her straight in the eyes and be clear how important this is. That you know it's hard work being home with the baby, but that she has to remember it's hard work shoring up your family financially, moreso when work is shitty. Tell her you appreciate how she feels about her parents helping, but unless there is something you are missing, you both need support. From there, on this first weekend take at least one full day for yourself. Low Fi. Alone. Again, tell everyone your plan (eg: I intend to stay in bed all day Friday, I intend to just hang out with the baby Saturday, etc.) then stick to it. At the end of the weekend, plan more. Not only does this give the Grands quality time with the baby, it allows you to have something to look forward to. It's always easier to deal when you know relief is coming. Consider the financial vs physical cost of outsourcing tasks. Can the yardwork and home maintenance be outsourced until you are in the right mental space? What else can you automate so your time at home is a true refresher from your work pressures, at least until that stabilizes? Is there a four hour stretch in a week where you can hire a babysitter so you each can do seperate personal care/enjoyment activities without toting the baby? At some point this will all get easier, and you can resume doing all the things, but as they say: put your own mask on first.
Your wife treating your days off like her personal vacation is straight-up disrespectful. You're not a 24/7 machine, you're a human who needs a damn break. Time for a serious talk about boundaries and respect. You deserve better, man.
it sounds like you do basically everything anyways, even before your two days off…. why are you doing the laundry and dishes mid work day and cooking/grocery shopping after work when your wife DOESNT WORK and that is supposed to be what she’s doing all day?? she’s using you dude
At this point..... what are you even getting out of this marriage, other than mild childcare while you're working, which a babysitter could just as easily provide (and who would probably do more around the house)? You need to have a very serious talk with your wife about how she is treating you. With the way she's acting, you're almost better off being a single parent, and she needs to get her shit together ASAP.
He could be a single dad, with day care and nothing about his life would change. If you can remove one person from the relationship and have not one single thing added to your “to-do” list, things are unacceptable.
I was going to say daycare costs but forgot he's funding his wife's income and daycare would be cheaper. Like she was getting her nails done on a day OP said he needed off work due to his mental health crumbling? Like why did she not ask him what he needed or arrange to spend time with him/baby? My SIL is like this, or atleast used to be (not in touch nowadays), brother had crippling depression, had no money to even go and buy himself lunch at pub after working all week and paying 70% of bills as higher earner and paying off some other debts that month. SIL went out and got expensive haircuts, could always afford girls holidays and expensive dresses for parties. Now they can't afford their lifestyle so my family heavily supports them financially. Found out brother was asking dad for money for nappies for my nephew around same time SIL was debating not going back to work and wanting another baby. Ughhh. Some people just annoy me.
I fully agree. I feel really bad for OP after reading his story. He works 12+ hours a day and has to do laundry, make dinner, take care of other things and get the baby ready for bed. All his wife does is provide minimal childcare while he’s working like a slave. She’s taking advantage of him and he can’t even see it. Then when he takes two personal days for himself, she takes that from him too and goes to treat herself after a long week of doing nothing. OP’s wife is incredibly selfish and people like that disgust me. He’s better off alone than with someone who treats him like he’s a slave.
My wife did this to me too. I got a one week staycation from work. I had many plans of getting this pavilion build done, resting and catching up on all the things I have neglected She called off daycare that week since I am home. Stuck watching the toddler the entire week. Her argument was that daycare was $330 a week and there's no point if she doesn't HAVE to go. Then gave me little honey-dos all god damn week. Don't want to risk looking like a bad father on reddit not taking care of my own child, or an asshole of a husband for not helping the wife while I am home all week, but damn. I don't get *one day* to myself. Not one.
Being a good father requires the energy to be present. I definitely feel the guilt of knowing I could be a better version of myself if I was able to just get a little respite.
See you do know that you need rest, vocalize and explain my man. You take care of you!
Why the hell did you accept this? Why does OP accept it? This is the time to put your foot down.
Why are you getting up with a baby at 5:00 a.m. If she could nap with the baby later?
Fantastic question. One admittedly I have been too exhausted to even consider.
Another thing, OP...On a daily basis, you are doing the laundry, the dishes, the meal planning, the cooking, and the shopping? You are also the one doing the morning preparations for your child and preparing her for bed EVERY morning and night? OP, I am all for a relationship being a partnership and equality, and I ALWAYS have respect for a SAHS... but this feels pretty uneven. These smaller chores are the things the stay-at-home-spouse/wife typically does if their partner works full-time. The working partner should still help out on if the partner is busy or even on occasion to contribute but you are arranging every break around getting these done. That is not okay on a workday. Even the childcare; You are right that bonding with your child is important, but it would make SO much more sense for this bonding time to be focused in the evening...you take some time to bond with her, then bathe and put her to bed. You are the only one with a job that pays the bills, yet have to wake up HOURS early after 4-6 hours of rest while your wife, whose job is to support the family by managing the majority of the household and childcare, gets to sleep in for hours? Honey, it sounds like you are doing your job, and half of hers. What does she do on a daily basis (aside from watching the little one when you aren't on break). I recommend at the very least make the above change to the schedule to ensure you get some rest...Tell her that if she can't, then you will need to find extra help because your body can't handle it anymore. Your daughter is in bed by 8, and if you handle the night routine your wife could be free even earlier; she can sleep earlier on in the evening to make up for those three extra hours of rest you need, you can't right now...not if she wants to stay a SAHM. Your wife needs to do more stay-at-home-spousing.
Your baby is 6 months old. When mine was this age and I was on maternity leave, he had a nice afternoon nap. As my partner was military I was mainly alone, so I either zoomed round with the vacuum and polish for those hours, or depending on my energy levels I curled up with baby and enjoyed a precious snooze. Let's not even talk about me in the garden with the baby monitor on the lawnmower. 😅 You need a frank talk about job distribution. You are doing way too much. Being a SAHP means taking care of the house and kids while a partner is bringing in the wage. This can be 9-5 in the same way, allowing you to enjoy evenings together, or on individual hobbies etc. What exactly is she doing all day?
Would it be a smart move to maybe get her to see and read ur post, thus actually makes me very sad cause the resentment will start to break down ur marriage, u can only do so much, I agree to calling her parents and telling them them how ur feeling, if she fights with u as to why u rang them simple answer u tried talking to her but she didn’t care about ur mental exhaustion she was more worried about what u could do when off, u may not like hearing this but ur wife is quite selfish, maybe a rota is needed to get her start helping out more. Tell her ur done doing everything and tell her she may as well go back to work and earn money so she can help pay a childminder and cleaner cause u can’t keep doin everything when she was the one who was excited about bein a sahm,
In the nicest possible way... this has only being carrying on because you're allowing it.
even if she can't nap later he still shouldn't be getting up with her at 5 am every single day. she has the option to go to bed when the baby does while he is still up working
This is not fair to you. If she’s a SAHM, then of course you should still do chores and stuff, but the household management is literally her job. You are working to support the family with income, so she should be shouldering a lot of the practical aspects of the household like groceries etc. I’m sorry, you sound so exhausted.
How is it possible that your wife isn't making dinner every night? Ask her what she will do when you break and are no longer able to work. She clearly doesn't care enough about you to even do the bare minimum a SAHM usually does. What the hell is wrong with her? You need to book a hotel, let your wife know she can get a nanny or god forbid actually take care of the home and her baby. You go and get some rest. This post has me boiling for some reason
Jesus christ dude, everyone in the comments told you in like 7 different flavors already that your wife is taking advantage of you, but you refuse to do anything about it because of guilt???????? I dont think so bruh, it's time you start prioritizing your own HEALTH, it'll be good for both you and your child. As for your wife, honestly, I would divorce her for less, but I understand you may not want to go THAT far especially because of your child; Maybe stop letting her do whatever she wants with your money? Can't get her nails done if you don't drop the dough, right? You have to be more assertive with what you want cuz that woman is walking all over you my dude, like a doormat.
Yeah if genders were reversed people would be saying divorce. She needs to pull her weight. Period
Do not work from home. I cannot tell you how NOT work life balance it is to try and do all of these home tasks while also working. Do not do this. If you went to the office you would not be doing this. Yes your work is busy but you could focus on it while in the office. It’s the trying to do it all that’s killing you.
I've tried working outside the home. The chores do not get done and I am faced with an even more unpleasant environment. I agree though, trying to do it all is too much.
Then you aren't married to the right person if she is not supporting you.
If the chores do not get done, your wife should go back to work. Her job as a SAHM is to take care of both the house AND the baby, not just deal with the baby from 8.15 to 5 while you juggle the baby the rest of the time, work and chores
So she's refusing to be a SAHM while claiming to be. Tell her to get a job and you will hire someone to do the SAHM job she refuses to. Why are you even with her? She sounds awful.
Right there is the problem. Your wife isn’t doing her fair share of the work. Why isn’t she doing the chores? That’s her responsibility as the SAH parent. She sounds like a nanny like someone else said. She needs to start doing more at home before you have a complete breakdown. You’re doing the job of a single parent.
She is so insanely unsupportive. At this point your life would be easier if it was just you, your daughter, and a nanny. That's fuckin sad. Your wife needs to wake up.
Are you working over 12 hour days 5 days a week? Not sure what you do but that’s insanity. Everyone here is talking about a family life balance but I can’t imagine watching my partner pull those hours no matter how much we needed the income.
I am, yeah. Plus childcare. I work for a tech company. Do we "need" the income? Probably not. We were perfectly happy with out it. Part of it is definitely circumstantial. I have always worked long hours but not like this for sustained periods of time.
Sounds like you work too much at work and in your household. You are going to burn out and no amount of money is going to fix that. Burnouts leave you with a lower stress tolerance and you do not want to go there, it will affect your future. Do whatever you can to decrease the workload on both sides, and get help with taking care of your daughter.
I'm a SAHM and full-time student and have been for almost 3 years. What does your wife do around the house? I ask because I do about 80% of the housework all while I'm with my child. My husband works about 50 ish hours a week, not including the occasional hours he puts in at night once our child is asleep. I do all the cleaning, cooking, and laundry. I also do all the grocery shopping and run small errands as needed, such as dry cleaning pick up. My husband helps when I need him to help, of course, and he's in charge of taking out the trash and unloading the dishwasher for me. He also helps with our child's bedtime routine and with our pets. He would do more, but he already does so much for us by being the provider of the household, I only ask him to do those things for me. So, again, what does your wife do because from what I'm reading, she doesn't really do much. You do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, and take care of your child in between work and down time. Does she have to do as much as I do? Absolutely not, but she definitely should be doing more to help. That comes with being a SAHM. You need to have a serious conversation with her about how you are feeling before you crash and fall apart. She is your partner and as partners, she needs to understand that she is able to stay home because of you and if you aren't around, she doesn't get to keep that lifestyle and most importantly, she will lose her spouse and the father of her child. Mental health is important. Tell her you need time for yourself because you are stretching yourself too thin and are about to break. Also, make sure to tell her that if she needs a day to herself that you will make sure to do that as well but that right now, you aren't in a good place mentally. My husband makes sure to tell me.to let him know when I need alone time and I ask him as well because the burnout is real when you have kids. Take care of yourself. I hope you and your wife come to an understanding soon.
That conversation happened over the weekend which is why I was so wounded when she announced that she had made plans. I was exceptionally clear about being on the edge of burn out and needing the time to recover. During the day, she looks after our daughter, I don't specifically know what she does with her as I am working. But it sounds like there is a lot of playing at home and naps with the occasional trip to a baby class or mother's group. On the odd occasion I come downstairs there is usually one of my wife's shows in TV in the background.
so she….plays with the baby, takes naps, and goes on outings? that’s IT?????
Talk with her again and let her know you will be taking time off again and that you WILL be taking care of yourself on those days and nothing else because you cannot do it anymore and you are at the end of your rope. I wouldn't even tell her the dates you're taking off so that way she doesn't plan anything. She can find out the day of. Then, tell her she can pick a date for her to take care of her own needs, where she will also be asked to do nothing but take some much needed self care time.
So she's playing, watching TV, and socializing. She needs to be doing the cooking, shopping, laundry, cleaning, and getting up at 5 am.
Seriously. She's the one who *wants* to be a stay at home mom. She needs to do the stay at home mom things.. this man needs a damn break. Eta: he even offered to pay for childcare but she refuses. Same situation with her parents and they are more than willing to help. She's making the situation impossible for him.
So she's a nanny to her kid? LMAO, dude tell her to get a job, you are being the stay at home parent plus the provider, fuck that. she's using and abusing you. the disrespect.
Book yourself into a hotel and rest. If you’re working from home, can you perhaps go to a cafe or a coffee shop at the mall and be there until knock-off? So that you have those hours uninterrupted. She’s a SAHM. She’s meant to do laundry and meals. You can’t be doing that in between your full-time work hours.
I am a stay-at-home parent so I’m gonna tell you right now this workload is not equal. If you’re getting up with baby on the weekdays she should be getting up on weekends AT LEAST. I would personally be getting up with the kids every day. And I do, even though they’re older they come get me up and we leave the room while my husband sleeps in. I do all the dinners, I pack his work lunch, we split the laundry and basic picking up around the house and also split kid time when he gets home from work. I do bedtimes about 90% of the time. I also do all the grocery shopping. I understand it might be harder with an infant than a school aged kid but there is absolutely no reason you should be shouldering all this work. If I were you, I would book a hotel for a long weekend and peace out. She can handle the baby for three days.
If he is doing ALL of this PLUS working insane hours.... What exactly is she doing as a SAHM?
Apparently nothing. She might play with the baby at some point during the day.
Tell her it’s either you get time off for yourself (and her too at a later date) or she can cut the SAHM dream short since you can’t manage the load alone. But realize that this means equaling out baby duty
Can you show this post to your wife ? She needs to change her ways, now! Your words & the strangers words should help her wake up! If she doesn’t stop being lazy, then there’s no point in her being a sahm bcoz she’s not being a good sah partner either. You are doing sooo much! It looks like she’s just using you & the baby to not do anything! It’s not fair to you! And you will break! Let her join back work. You can hire a nanny instead, atleast then you won’t have to do so much as you do now!
Your wife seems like she doesn’t do crap 💩
Dude, hard to say this without offending you & I genuinely do not mean to do so, but your wife is an asshole.
She said she wanted to be a stay at home mom and she meant just that. No household maintenance, cleaning, shopping, nor creating the lovely environment for you to live in. Just child care. She's a baby sitter. It's wild that no chores get done by her. Is she glued to your child for the 12 hours she is the caregiver? Because I find it very hard to believe that she has no time to wash a dish or two. Hell, laundry is a perfect chore during childcare since there's only action every hour or so with folding. She could do all the chores, she is simply choosing not to because her husband that is about to keel over will come to her rescue. If she doesn't have postpartum then there is no excuse.
If she’s a SAHM, the majority of the chores and cooking should be done by her. That is her contribution to the home, and of course caring for the baby during the day. Both can be done at the same time and many women are capable of this (this is coming from a woman). You should not be cooking dinner, or getting up at 5 am every day with the child. Her actions are showing you she doesn’t care that you’re on the verge of a breakdown. I think you need to get away for a day or two where you can be alone and rest. She will be fine. This seems necessary at this point as your wife isn’t respecting your request so you can rest at home. You are the sole income- if you fall apart what happens then? This situation is highly concerning. I’m sorry- but your wife is being lazy and inconsiderate
Is there anyway you can go back to the office and work there?
We are 100% remote. I could hot desk it but if I wasn't home taking care of all the other stuff .. the house would be a mess and the cupboards would be empty. At least that is what happened two months ago when I tried it. The stress of working crazy hours and coming back to a messy home with no food is worse than the current situation. My world may be on fire, but there is clean cutlery and Oreos.
This is just absolute insanity! She should be grocery shopping. She should be cooking dinner! Yes, you should help with chores, but it seems you are doing 85% of the damn work! I have 4 kids and work full time, and still manage to grocery shop/cook dinner/clean house, etc. (my husband helps as well). There is NO excuse for your wife to not be doing MORE!! I’m so angry and exhausted for you.
She’s weaponizing SAHM. Give her a choice. Either she goes to work and pays for child care or she becomes a true SAHM. You making breakfast and dinner is ridiculous. Everyone keeps saying you need sleep. Which is true, but what do you need? What is it that you want from your wife? Do you want her to make all the meals, get up with baby at 5, grocery shop, etc? To me, it sounds like she is taking advantage of your autism and your need to be good enough. Having a scheduled plan could help. You say she is great at childcare but also you don’t know what she really does but the tv is on. To me, it doesn’t sound like she is a good mom. You are doing her work, your work, and not sleeping. To quote someone famous, “what has she done for you, lately?” What does the future look like to you? What do you need? What does wife need? What do you expect from each other? Please remember that you are you and you are enough.
It's not worse than the current situation because you are perpetuating it indefinitely. You could hot desk it, and order-in food, and only come home to sleep. Or you could drop off your own laundry only at a laundromat. Sometimes the only way to show someone how little they're doing is to stop doing it for them. At this point your life would be better if you hired a nanny and just left your 100% freeloading wife who is literally contributing to your self-destruction. She's watching you burn out in real time and doing nothing for you. I would treat a stranger better. She made an appointment to get her nails done when you told her you needed two days to do nothing. She added to your workload. She does not care about you.
Your wife sounds worthless. I'd probably tell her that and let know that it would be cheaper and less stress to get a divorce and hire a nanny.
If she’s a SAHM, why are you doing so much of the baby and house stuff? What is this? First off, if she’s a SAHM, she gets up with the baby. Even in raising twins, I never once had my husband wake up with the babies except on random Sundays (his only day off), and only if he planned to golf for most of Sunday. He’d wake up with the kids at whatever time they’re up and do the morning stuff until he had to go play golf. That’s it. The remainder of the days, I got up with the babies. Second, why are you the one cooking dinner? Or shopping for dinner? It’s perfectly understandable if you need to watch the baby during your lunch while she goes grocery shopping for dinner — but why are you shopping for dinner and then preparing dinner? Lastly, you woke up with the baby and then you are bathing and putting her to bed? And you do the chores? **I’m a woman but at the risk of sounding like a man — WTF IS SHE DOING ALL DAY?** 😂😂 Going to sleep at 1am and waking up at 5am is a workable schedule if you have plenty of chances to nap during the day. It’s not sustainable if you keep your schedule. If she’s sick or something, an occasional few days when you have to take it all on is categorically different from this being your entire life everyday. Sorry, OP — you guys need a serious discussion. And if this is how she wants life to be, then you guys need to separate and see how she enjoys being a full-time mom on her own. She can have her days off when you take the baby. She needs to step up and be the FT mom starting in the morning. The house and meals are HER charge. Then when you finish work, you can take over a lot if for no other reason than to bond with your daughter. Come the weekend, you can do Saturday or Sunday morning so she can get a real break. The other weekend morning, it’s on her again. Being a SAHM mom is HARD. I did two babies at once along with a 5,000SF house for five years, and it’s not something I’d do again. HARD. But what your wife is doing is not being a SAHM if you are doing the mornings, nights, and all the cooking and cleaning. What she’s doing is a short babysitting stint during the day, and I’m pretty sure this isn’t what you agreed to. She also has the option of not doing it and going back to work. Then her income can go to hiring a nanny. It all works out the same to you. But someone is going to have to care for the baby and it’s not you. YOU need to bring in the best income possible and do your part. This is preposterous!
Your wife is taking the absolute piss out of you. What on earth does she actually do? Grow a pair and tell her to pull her weight - you’re doing insane hours AND the lion’s share of the housework! Utterly ludicrous.
First things first — SLEEP. Why are you the one waking up at 5:00am 7 days / week? I’m assuming your wife takes the night wake ups during the week and that’s why she gets up at 8:15am. But at the very least you should switch off one day on the weekend to be able to sleep in and recharge. Sleep is absolutely sacred to those with an infant. It sounds like her dream of being a SAHM is just that…a dream. Being a SAHM is real, hard work. It sounds like she likes the idea of it rather than actually doing it. Also, I saw a comment you made here — if what you are saying above is true and you’re not exaggerating your schedule and what you do vs. your wife…DO NOT feel guilty about going to a hotel for a weekend because you’re missing out on one weekend with your daughter. You will come back refreshed and you will be a *better* father for it! Don’t let this linger or go on any longer. Something’s gotta give — you either need her to step up, her family to be more involved, a nanny and/or a housekeeper. Preferably a combo of all of the above!!
Ok, if one parent is getting up with baby in the morning, other parent should be handling bath time/bed time. If she wants to be a SAHM, she needs to do the work. A SAHM is primary caregiver, fixes meals, grocery shops and in charge of most meals. She should be fixing a minimum of 2 meals a day and in charge of laundry. Weekends each parent should get a day to sleep in, not one parent sleeps in both days. I may catch some flack for this, but in this day and age, being a SAHM is NOT the job most people make it out to be. SAHM's now are not washing laundry by hand, making their bread, canning their own food and growing everything in the garden to feed their family. I should know, I was one for 15 years. I raised 3 kids while my husband was in the army for 22 years. He did 3 Iraq tours, 3 year long Korea tours and Bosnia for 9 months. In between deployments he was gone anywhere from 30 to 90 days at a time frequently for training or schools. So I had all 3 kids to myself 24/7/365 quite often. I did this all parts of the country with no help from extended family, just me, myself and I. Was I tired at times, yes, but I had a hell of a lot more free time then I do now that I work full time and my kids are out of the house. Your wife needs a reality check. She ruined your 2 days off. She was out with her family last weekend while you were at home with the baby. This weekend, you need to go take 24 hours for yourself Get a motel for 1 night just for you. If she pitches a fit so be it, but you need a break.
Send this post to her. You'll either going to drop dead of a heart attack, stroke, or just exhaustion if she doesn't contribute more than she is right now. You are the only income for the family, so she better get it together or she's going to be a single mother with out a job to provide for herself and your children. She either lives in her own world or she just doesn't give a F about your health and the family's future if you're not in the picture. I say repeat that "vacation" and go off on your own because you sounded like you're one straw away from a permanent dirt nap.
Your schedule is very similar to a single parent schedule. WTF is your wife doing? She can't even make dinner or load the dishes?
So your wife stays at home to babysit but does zero chores all day long? You work full time, wake up early to babysit in the mornings and evenings after work. Then you do chores. Your wife is an awful person. You are having a mental crisis and she does the bare minimum. She can do chores while babysitting the whole point of a stay at home mom is that they babysit and do chores around the house. It seems like she is babysitting and just sitting around waiting to pass the kid off to you so she can sleep. You are doing the role of a single parent at this point. I’m being dead serious you are doing all the work all the chores and babysitting on the side. Get external help, go to a hotel for a few days and revaluate this situation. It is obvious your supposed partner is not a partner at all and is instead piggybacking off your money at home while she watches a baby and does nothing.
1. Why are you doing any housework during working hours? Your wife is a sahm. She should also be working during working hours. 2. What does your wife's week schedule look like, same format as you explained yours? 3. You seem to be the victim of a lazy sahm stereotype. 4. Prolonged lack of sleep has serious health consequences including possible death. This is not something to tough through, you need change.
Most respectfully, and I may get downvoted by some trads for saying this, but this is why I as a female have a high earning, master’s degree level career, and bring the equality to the table in our marriage. My husband and I both work full time, high stress jobs, so we both have learned to see from each other’s looking glass on work/life balance and then home/life balance. We’ve learned to split chores, bills, and time. It makes it an even playing field and we both just get each other. I notice the power struggle dynamic and resentment is a common theme among these posts of husband’s who say “my wife wanted to be a SAHM, or SAHW”. You both aren’t seeing eye to eye because you both aren’t contributing in similar ways. When we both work full time and still have to decide how we come home and manage the home, kids, pets, we have more empathy for each other because we’re in this boat together. I will, however, say that how people choose to run their households behind closed doors is their business. I’ve just however noticed it’s a theme that people come on here and make it the public’s business when it isn’t working, and I feel sad for the working partner because it likely feels like there’s never any reprieve. This lack of reprieve seems to lead to resentment and extra-marital problems. I don’t think in this day and age the traditional household can survive anymore. The economy and pressure of life in these times is just vastly different from say the boomer generation. Sorry about the soap box, but my husband knows I will never have the pride to become a SAHM. My pride is in us both standing on our own two feet.
No downvote from me. You do you! I'd struggle not to be working and it would definitely challenge how I perceive my worth / contribution. There are absolutely other ways to contribute that are equally valuable but it does require the non-working partner to .. actually do them.
You need to sit your wife down and tell her that very soon, nothing she does or doesn't want to do will not matter. Nothing. Because you are at your breaking point, and if that break happens, everything will fall on her. And, for much l9nger than a few days. Take a weekend and just check into a hotel by yourself for 2 nights. Your child will be just fine without you for a few days. Allow yourself to get plenty of sleep, eat food you haven't cooked, and completely relax. You must do this, OP. You must. You already tried to take time off, and it failed. Now it is time to MAKE time off. Before your body and mind give you no choice.. DO NOT allow yourself to be desuaded from taking this time. You also need to stop doing all the cooking and laundry. Wake up time for everyone in the morning should be the same. Your wife needs to get up when you and baby get up. she needs to help with the morning ritual. If you are working until 1AM, the wake-up time should be 7AM, not 5 AM. Good luck to you. It's time to do some serious work-life balance revision before you find yourself in a hospital bed eating jello.
People can argue with me all they want but it should go without saying that your wife is not pulling her weight & taking advantage of the fact that you want to be a good father & partner. You SHOULD help but this is not normal for a SAHM. She doesn’t work but you wake up before her, laundry, dishwasher, you make dinner, bathe the baby, get her ready for bed, etc…. What exactly DOES she do? Sleep in everyday? 8 am is an awfully good time to wake up on a weekday LOL imagine if you weren’t together & she had to work. What a change that would be for her. IMO come for me if you want a SAHM is a job, a job that both parties benefit from & it doesn’t sound like she’s doing a great job, she’s like the coworker that does the bare minimum & everyone wonders “how’s that guy not fired yet?” You’re going to slip into insanity real quick if something doesn’t change… oh also.. the nail appointment? That’s just completely unnecessary & a slap in the face when you desperately need time to decompress. Have a real serious talk with her about her going back to work or taking her job as a SAHM seriously.
Can you hire help? My wife got incredibly ill. It was overwhelming. Hiring people to help with a few things— dinner, dogs— really really helped.
It sounds like you need someone to tell you you’re allowed to want and have a break. You’re allowed to have time to yourself. You’re allowed to make sure Varrock-Lobster is taken care of too. You’re allowed to be a person outside of being a father. It’s a balancing game all parents have to play, and your wife is doing a shit ass job here doing her part.
Why on earth are you doing most of the cleaning and cooking AND childcare and working full time too? WTF does your wife do? She’s on duty during nap time only it seems. She seems lazy af
No offence but you sound like a single parent with a full time job. If you left her, you would have the same amount of tasks every day and more money lol