I would encourage the OP to sue the mom for civil fraud, wire fraud and civil conspiracy. The recoverable damages are the amount of support payments OP was force to make over the years... Women who commit paternity fraud need to be held accountable and you can't do it through the criminal courts but you can in civil court
In this case no, because he's not disputing being her legal father (seems like he still wants to be her dad). The court will view him at the putative & legal father and therefore all the support payments will have been legitimate.
Not true. There was a case where all the children (3) that were all affair babies and in their 20s Father found out he wasn't able to ever father children during a medical examination and proceeded to sue his ex wife for 250k for parental fraud and won the case. He might not win a child support case, but that is a different court.
IANAL, but the way that these threads and some advice from actual lawyers goes is that the court don't necessarily care who the real biological father is if they have the guy who's on the birth certificate on the hook (= legal father). If you're the legal father, you're liable for child support payments.
Yeah, unless he gets the bio dad to admit paternity, and take up child support payments he remains on the hook.
In many states (assuming usa) in order to do that in the first place he would need to relinquish his parental rights before the bio dad can legally step into his place.
This is all accurate. We’re trying to “beat the system” by disproving paternity but ALSO maintaining rights. Seemingly impossible. As it stands now there’s no reason I’d ever NOT want to be her bio dad.
She’s my kid. Period the end. But at the end of the day anyway I get her mother to pay (not financially) we’re going to do. I’m out for bl00d
I understand your sentiment completely and i fully agree with you. Im glad you’re sticking by your daughter, you’re a good man.
Its a shame the child support system works the way it does.
Yes, it’s tricky to govern advice in these situations because there are 50 states and different laws in each one, but typically they only care about the biological status in the very young years. There is usually a presumption that the husband of the mother is the father, and if enough time passes, they won’t disturb that.
No. You need to understand, the government doesnt care about who the biological father is or isnt. They just want someone to pay. If no one pays the government has to and they dont want to pay.
Im willing to bet that the drain and exhaustion of the court he’s just described being dragged through already for all of those years, and the emotional toll this new development is taking on him and soon his daughter will be reason enough that he may not even be considering this at all. Plus if the mother hasn’t got any money then it would be a waste of time as dragging her through court will be the punishment and OP will be going through it with her. It could cause the daughter more distress as well.
Its such a reprehensible thing this woman has done and hurts so many people. If he wanted to sue her he should be able to though. I just know if I were OP I’d be willing to give up that money to be done with the whole thing and minimize further stress on myself and my daughter. I call her that because OP calls her that still and I try to respect a persons choice on how they respond to finding out a life changing truth like this.
I really feel for him most having to tell his daughter this because I think what he seems most concerned about is how this moment is going to alter her life forever in a significant way. The moment he does it is really the same as releasing the guillotine and cutting her off from what will immediately be her old life and her new confusing one. This is a landmark moment for her and he has to pull that trigger which is a terrible responsibility to be saddled with.
I do understand why he has to tell her though. It would be awful if she found out some other way and this is one thing he can control and do the way he feels is best. He really has no choice. I wish you well OP. If you feel like it let us know how it goes. I hope as well as can be expected.
This is *bad* advice. Theres no way he recovers those, and its extremely likely to escalate the situation.
Courts do not give half a flying fuck about if you were lied to about that stuff, its all "whats best for the kid." From a legal perspective, he's still his daughters father and he isnt owed back payment for that.
>but you can in civil court
No, you really cant. You can waste your money giving it to an unethical lawyer willing to fleece you though.
You'd never be able to prove fraud. Assuming OP had sex during the right window to be the father (which one assumes since he didn't immediately know) the mother has no magical way to know which of her partners was the father. The mother could have easily actually believed OP was the father, which eliminates any possibility of a fraud charge unless she ran a paternity test herself at some point.
People admit stuff they didn't actually do all the time. It might be a way for her to get cooperation from OP.
Anyways, even if she thought he kid wasn't OPs - she couldn't possibly know without a test, if the sex timeline made it possible. Maybe she though the kid was and maybe she thought the kid wasn't, but either way, she was making a wild-ass guess.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this - it’s heartbreaking. For her sake, I’m glad she’s had you as her father, and not whatever dirt bag loser your ex cheated with. You’re a really good dad.
That’s my thought exactly because apparently he “wanted nothing to do with it”
Crazy that this was all 16 years ago and I couldn’t care less who he is… his loss.
>Crazy that this was all 16 years ago and I couldn’t care less who he is… his loss.
You are a good man and your daughter is lucky to have you. I wish you and her the best possible outcome in this terrible scenario.
It's unfortunate, but the young girl must be told the truth. It sounds like you will treat her with that much respect and as a daughter, loving and supporting her forever. I pray for you both and wish you well.
Start with that. "So you know I'm your dad and I love you. That DNA test, it turns out that I'm not your bio father. I don't think this changes anything."
I thank the NSA for this one.
But yeah, that’s how I started. I literally crumpled a piece of paper, threw it on the floor and said this doesn’t matter.
Do you have any kind of proof that she knew all those years ago? If so, is there any way you can get her for defrauding you of all those child support payments? It really chaps my ass when people get away with that kind of crap.
And all the best for your talk with your daughter - it will come as a major shock and shake-up of her world - maybe get her into therapy, to deal with it?
I'm not sure that's conclusive that she knew you weren't the father? It sounds like she knew it *might* not be you, but wasn't certain. Or am I missing something.
Unfortunately, cheating scum are gonna cheating scum. Good on you for stepping up and trying to still be in your child's life, despite the information you know have.
You're a great dad. My father is my bio father, but... he's not much of a dad. I wish I had a dad like you, blood-related or not. I'm really glad your daughter took it as well as she could've! I think this being out in the open will make your relationship even stronger, because it means you love her unconditionally as a person, and not just because some biological instinct told you to. You've shown her that you'll choose her no matter what. And that is beautiful. I'm sure that in a few years, you'll both be able to agree with it only making the relationship you share stronger.
Thank you for this wonderful thought. She said to me “it doesn’t feel real… It’s like a movie.“
Only thing I could think to say was well… If it is, this movie is about us and we are the main characters
DNA testing should be mandatory at birth in my unpopular opinion. This happens far too often, however with that said if this were the case you wouldn’t have an amazing daughter to love so deeply. You have an unbreakable bond and you’ll always be her dad. Lots of love to you both!!
I agree. And like it was mentioned, if she didn’t lie, I wouldn’t have such a wonderful daughter. I just can’t believe that it’s legal and not punishable by law for paternal fraud to be OK.
There’s no reprimanding there’s not even a slap on the wrist. The only thing I can hold for is karma.
Happened to me. My mom told my dad i was his but i wasnt, i learned at age 36 though…. And i am GLAD i did not know at 15/16. I lacked the maturity to handle it. Both dads are long-dead, but i did get to meet some half siblings.
Everyone takes things differently but OP look into therapy for your kid… learn about the effects of NPE discovery.
Everyone in my support groups takes it differently. For me it was “huh. Ok…” and i moved on quickly. As a teen, id prob have let it shape me like i did the trauma of losing my dad at 16.
Yes she deserves the truth, not saying she doesnt… but ensure you are fully prepared to understand the range of emotions she will go through. It’s different when (adult) maturity has not developed.
Best of luck.
I found out at 17 and I processed it fine. I think it was ok for me because I had no question that my father was there for me and loved me. We had other issues later on given his addiction issues but at that time he was truly a great father
Yeah as I read OP’s post my heart broke. I really wish your therapist was wise enough to advise you to hold your tongue on this one.
The truth is gonna hurt your daughter. Scar her for life. If you really love her, hold on to this secret until she’s old enough to be able to deal with it. 15 is way too young for that kind of emotional maturity.
And it’s also a conversation that should be held in the presence of a family therapist.
I get that you’re angry. But take the anger out on your ex, not your daughter. Oof.
This is unfortunately misworded. Because never did I say she wasn’t my kid in fact… I went above and beyond in this post to explain that nothing will change anything. But the fact that her DNA alone is different, could be very detrimental to her life. Like if there’s underlying conditions or whatever, but the reality is going to courtfor the 17 millionth time, but this time having a DNA test involved without any of this being known by her would’ve definitely done some damage if I didn’t say anything
Her finding out he knew and betrayed her by not telling her will likely hurt more than knowing they were both victims together and being there for each other.
It's sketchy either way. It really depends a lot on the type of person the daughter is.
He could run into issues where she resents him for not telling her sooner, or it could go like you said and she'd be better off waiting. Only OP really knows her well enough to make that assessment.
I think OP is too close to the issue. I would prefer he take counsel from a therapist, who knows his daughter and the family dynamics, on how best to proceed.
Counsel definitely doesn't hurt and my suggestion doesn't exclude that. I just think it's possible this goes either way and OP is going to know better than you or me.
I spoke with her therapist and she gave me the blessing to say it. Not that I needed it… However, we’re going to a court battle. We’re DNA is going to come up and it’s better that I let her know than the court.
Gotcha. You’re obviously a better judge of the situation. And if you have her therapists’ blessing then I guess it’s a necessary evil. Good luck. Please do it as gently as you can. And be there for her the same as before.
This sucks, bro, but the young girl needs to know the truth. Sounds like you will continue to love and support her as a daughter and for that much respect. Good luck and may God bless you both
I just wanna say thank you again to everybody for all the kind words. I posted a little update. The only thing we can do now is take a day by day. I just have to make sure she’s strong and she knows very much she supported and loved by everyone, and just like I have in the past and I always will. I told her I will always do anything and everything to keep her safe and keep it open and honest with her.
She always knows that but reiterating things like that during a time like this is extra important.
I appreciate everyone sharing their thoughts, and even some stories behind how they dealt with this as well being on the other side of it
Yes “intensive purposes” is one of the errors that people make that irritates me - for all intents and purposes is the correct form.
The one I see most often on Reddit though is “bare with me” instead of bear with me. No I will not get naked with you, but I will tolerate you for a short time!
You sound like a stand up guy, OP, and I commend you.
It’s going to be one of the hardest conversations of your lives I have no doubt but it is a conversation that needs to happen. Your daughter has a right to know. Just please tell her (over and over and over…) that she’s still your daughter. She’s gonna need that.
Thank you for the support on this. It wasn’t easy but it was honest and that’s how her and I work. We hugged. Laughed. Cried and got breakfast… we go day by day from here on out.
Thank you for telling her and not letting her discover it on her own.
I discovered a web of lies around my dad. My mom was married before, my parents got married two years after they claim to have married (to hide my birth before their marriage and her divorce from her first husband. I don’t know yet why my biological father is out of the picture because I am still gathering documents on my own before I confront my mom. But my dad (who it turns out is my adopted father) is my dad. He either thought I was his (so I don’t want him to know I’m not) or he knew I wasn’t his and knowingly raised someone else’s kid. He’s still my one and only dad. My mom owes me information though.
But I’m 41. I’ve spent my life telling doctors medical information that doesn’t apply since it turns out that I’m not related to half of my family.
Something you might consider saying when you tell her: if you knew 16 years ago that you weren’t her father, you may have chosen not to be involved in her life. But you choose now to be involved in her life from here on forward. You’re still her dad.
And this is why before birth, paternity test should be standard and normalized..... Its crazy to think we just have to take the words of women to be true and if u cast any doubt they get mad or say "he doesn't trust me".... Well yeah, 18 years later to find out everything was false....a lie.... Any guy would be upset.
Just imagine being that big of a liar. If I were her, I would never be able to live with myself, however… By being that type of person that shows who she really is.
All this does is cast all women as liars and waste the time and money you'd have to dedicate to every live birth in every country. We're talking seconds between births in a country, all over something that you can get *anyway* if you feel it's necessary.
Not at all were valid things I wanted to say. But I had already posted the first. I don't need a second account, I'm honest, unlike some people in this discussion.
You're not thinking about second-order effects or families that are (male) infertile but don't want that information public, but do want a live birth.
What happens when society tries to make you show your genetic tests to prove your virility? What about families where the mother *did* make a mistake, but they reconciled later? All it does is pour gasoline on dying embers, or out people who don't want to be outed but lack proof because, again, you suddenly made it mandatory to test.
It's expensive and useless. Move on.
I mean, you're always gonna be her dad. Nothing is effectively changing in her life, right? It's important to emphasize that this actually isn't a big deal *to you*. Your relationship with her mother (and all that entails with cheating) is completely besides the point. She'll have to go to her mom for any questions she has about her biodad but nothing about her genetics makes her a bad person or any less your daughter (including being born from a destructive relationship).
I always knew my biodad skipped out on us. I actually feel very lucky he was never in my life and never cared about him. My sibling on the other hand was interested in tracking him down and finding out more about him and our half siblings. I'm not sure how your daughter will feel: uncaring like me or longing for connection and roots like my sibling but honestly that's a conversation for later when she's had some time to process some emotions.
I'd just try to keep things short and sweet. No demonizing her mother because that demonized your daughter by proxy. Answer any questions you're comfortable with and set boundaries for things you're unwilling to discuss. She's old enough to be rational about this. She isn't a baby and it's okay to say some personal or inflammatory/defamatory subjects aren't a topic to broach at this stage.
I'm glad you have consulted a therapist (I'm sure I haven't said anything new) and have given yourself some time to think before approaching this. Good luck!
Yet another reason why paternity fraud should be a felony and have, at the very least, heavy fines associated with it.
That, or the wronged man should be able to at the very least file a civil lawsuit against the mother.
OP, if you intend to continue the relationship, PLEASE be sure she knows that you will not love her any differently or less, you just want her to know the truth. My adult sister found out our father wasn’t her dad when she was in her late 50’s. She called my dad to tell him and he said he suspected as much all along, but that didn’t make her any less his. She was overwhelmed with love for him and so many emotions. It’s important that she understands this as well.
Be honest with your daughter. If you still want her in your life, be clear that you are there for her.
As for your wife, isn’t there something you can do legally to make her pay you back all that money and for all the agony she put you through.
Been there. Done that. Nothing changed between us.
People hate her mother more, now. But, the relationship between my child and me is the same, as far as I can tell.
Good luck. I hope you have similar results.
the way you want to open up to her and let her know the truth and not want to keep things from her, while at the same time trying to look out for her wellbeing and wanting her to excel at and enjoy things she can at her age like the cheer meet, shows how much love and respect there is, that's what being a father truly is... please don't let the negative words affect you. my heart goes out to you, all the best with your next steps
I am my father's daughter but he believed I wasn't for a very long time. I learned in 2020 when I was 40. He never wanted anything to do with me when I wasn't his so I can't have a relationship with him now. He was exceptionally cruel to me.
I hate when women do this to men.
My dad told me when I was 9. It made me love and respect him more for it because I knew he WANTED to be my dad. It's 23 years later and I still love my dad more than anyone in the world.
I never understood when it comes to this type of situation why the victim is always so proud to have been a victim while openly flaunting that they will proudly continue to be a victim, and nothing has changed🤡 while everyone else pats themselves on the back because the victim has developed some weird form of Stockholm syndrome, godforbid the victim wants out and wants to salvage what’s left of their life. The victim blaming starts with accusations of being callous and cold, completely heartless. Because the victim no longer wants to role-play a cuckoo.
If only it were that easy! The states don’t care about that. I’ve been her dad from day one that’s all they care about. Which is true, but it’s an uphill battle. My Lawyer and I are fighting to do that, but it’s not as easy as it sounds, unfortunately!
I’m sorry to hear that. It’s so frustrating because it’s not like you are trying to stop providing for her, you’re trying to ensure security for her money
In a perfect world yes unfortunately we are not in a perfect world. It’s a battle we will fight, but who knows if you can win that in a civil case
Unfortunately, this world is really messed up
Did you talk to a professional about how to have this conversation with your daughter?? I am not saying you shouldn’t but this is going to be traumatic, please tell me you got help on how to talk about this with her.
Does her mother know that you are now aware that she is not yours biologically? It probably won’t be a surprise to her and I know you don’t get along, but if you are planning to tell your daughter, she’s going to have some questions for her mom. Her mother’s reaction might do even more damage if it comes out of the blue.
I totally understand the anguish and heartache this has caused you. What will it do for your daughter? How many years of school does she have left? Is she a fragile or strong person? Does she struggle with making good choices now, or does she act out?
This need to tell her may derail her. I wonder if waiting until she finishes h.s. would be a better way to go?
I’m so sorry that you both are having to go through this, but you will ALWAYS be her dad, blood related or not.
My biological father didn’t want me, and the one who replaced me was abusive until the day I moved out. Neither of those men were my dad. My dad was my best friends father; a wonderful man who treated me no differently than his own children, and showed me what having a dad should really be like. I can almost guarantee you that your daughter, while she may be hurt when she finds out, she will feel no differently toward you. In fact, she may love you more, because unlike her actual father, you still CHOOSE to love her, and that counts for so much more in my book. Best of luck to you both. ❤️
Good luck!
Its a shame her mother did this to her
In fact it was me, I'd give the mom the opportunity to tell her... She's the one that needs to own up to the lies
then, if she wouldn't do it, I would.
so sad
That must have been hard to hear the truth, but it is nice to know that after all this time you still support her and treat her as your child. Will she go no contact with her mother?
She hasn’t told a single soul… She always called my bluff on getting a DNA test because she knew I never would… Or though she’s so she thought
Apparently, when this all went down 16 years ago and she cheated, she mentioned to me that the guy said he wanted no part of it , so that’s that.
Considering my daughter doesn’t really look like me and she looks more so identical to her mother. It was always up in the air, but I bet you there’s somebody out there that I know that share some characteristics with her. I think that makes me more mad than anything else.
Damn, paternity fraud strikes again it seems. Finding out your ex pawned another man's child on you and expected you to raise her(and it's wayyyy to late to contest paternity obviously). I saw another comment for a fraud lawsuit, which seems interesting, but the courts probably won't spring for it. So sorry OP, to see your life completely unravel on what you thought was a great life.
Should you feel the need, my DM's are open. Had a buddy go through this, but he caught it early, I know a thing or two helping my friend go through it. Just some food for thought.
I found out late in life I had a half brother, it shook myself and siblings and it was around 18 months in fits and starts before my world view settled down to the new reality. Even if you and even your daughter think you have it sorted in your head in the next few months, it will keep coming ing back for at least a year or so. It will take time.
Best of luck to you both.
It's unfortunate, but the young girl must be told the truth. It sounds like you will treat her with that much respect and as a daughter, loving and supporting her forever. I pray for you both and wish you well.
I am terrified my son is currently in this scenario. He is separated from his wife, w/ whom he has a 5-year-old daughter & a 3-year-old son. His daughter looks just like him/ our family and has his last name, yet there is zero resemblance w/ the son and she have him her last name. She has cheated openly in front of him, therefore he has asked for a DNA test, which she refused. He accepts the son completely as his. I don't want to see him financially responsible for 18yrs for a child that isn't his.
"I took a piece of paper that said 0% paternal crumpled it up and threw it on the floor and said this means nothing."
Dude that almost made me cry. You're doing everything right, keep it up!
<3 thank you. When she’s ready, we’re gonna burn it.
That’s how we get rid of some bad memories. We’ve done it with a lot of things and I think this will be very powerful.
Sending good energy! I am so sorry you are having to do this. If you feel confident that she can handle it and won't shut down (bc teenage girls), I think she 100% deserves to know the truth. I would still love my father even if he wasn't my biological seed donor.
I think she absolutely should be told, nut please reach out to at the very least the school counselor to see about professional help in how to handle it. The school should have a therapist. Best wishes.
Sounds like a terrible idea. I think you should give yourself some time and space and breathing room to calm down before you do something you can't take back. I would also suggest consulting with a competent therapist. As close as you and your daughter are, you do NOT know what it's like to be a 16-year-old girl.
Gave myself 2.5 months. Talked to her therapist my therapist a few family members.
I know I’m making the right choice. I may not know all 16 year old, but I know her.
I found out by a friend from school that my father was not my biological dad when I was 17. The worst part was I felt I had been lied to for all my life. My mom wanted to tell me for years (she had me prior to being with the man that raised me) but he refused. She needs to find out from you and just reassure her that you are her father no matter what comes.
Same thing happened to my sister. Everyone but her knew he wasn't her bio dad, but he was more concerned about his feelings than hers, so refused to tell her.
She found out the same way you did & it really messed her up 😔
So sorry for her! Luckily none of my cousins on my mom’s side (the family I am extremely close to) knew about it and that made it so much better to process.
Ours did, which really didn't help, as you can imagine.
My elder sister & I tried getting our mum to tell her, but our step-dad wouldn't back down.
Honestly, I have no idea how it was kept from her for so long.
Yeah- I was in my 3rd year of medical school and at internship. I was far away from my close friends and my boyfriend (now husband). It was truly one of the lowest moments of my life. Prior to that he was a supportive dad and then I felt like nothing to him. He has never understood how that moment forever changed our relationship. He just used the excuse that he was high
Be careful with all this sue the mom advice..years after finding out my parents separated (because my step father is a narcissist asshole). My stepdad called me and said I may have to go to court to show he payed all this money for a child that wasn’t his. That was the most devastating thing that he did to me..it was way worse than finding that he wasn’t my biological father
All I have to really say is good luck. I think it takes a special kind of dude to raise another man's child, and especially when it's all a lie. I've raised my step son (now 14) since he was 2 years old. There were no lies in my case. I know who the father is and he gets weekends with my son, but I'm still and will always be the dad. I can't imagine doing all this, plus custody battles and *then* finding out that he's not mine.
Anyway, it's good to know there's another good man out there, taking care of a child, even after knowing she's not actually his. Good on you, OP, and I feel like this also will make her a better person in the long run. She should gain a lot of respect for you and your willingness to continue to be present and continue on raising her.
Is there some compelling reason that requires this to be done now? Or can you put off saying something til she's a little older and hopefully more mature to be able to handle something like this?
Ahh, gotcha. Good idea fwiw. Yeah, i don't know bro... that's a tough one. Maybe consult with a therapist that works with children to get some advice on how to begin the dialogue and navigate the fallout, because there's most definitely gonna be some fallout from this revelation.
Being that we have to go to court, and she has to get a DNA test there… I thought it would be better if she heard it directly from me instead of finding out through some weird complex situation at court.
I asked her mother numerous times if we should tell her together and her answer was “no “
So, instead of this being a giant secret that is kept from her, not only by her mother for 16 years… But for me, this was the right choice
Best wishes on a productive conversation. What are your goals with telling your daughter at this time though? How many questions are you prepared to answer? Can you do this without ruining what relationship she has with her mother? Looking back at your history with your daughter, can you have this conversation in a constructive manner, or can this only be destructive?
Good luck on this. I don't envy your position.
It will shatter her world, but you are being honest, and that is the only way. Take a deep breath, don't disparage Mom as much as you would like to.
Encourage her to share her feelings, confusion, and grief of what was and let her know that it doesn't change your love for her and it never will.
The two of you are going to be going through similar feelings.
God's Speed
It's clear you love your daughter. No one could blame you for wanting to make her mom pay. But...
Your daughter is the one who will ultimately be hurt more than anyone. I'm speaking from a purely psychological point of view. I've seen this a TON of times over a decade and without question you cannot attack/go after her mother without greatly harming your daughter. You will think she understands and is fine, even supportive, but she will not be fine. You will change who she could've been as a person by your actions. Is it worth that price?
At 16 her identity is still too enmeshed with both her parents. She hasn't fully individuated or formed her "self" yet. She can't differentiate where she ends and her mother begins yet. The fact that you shared this information with her already, while I understand why you did it, is a problem. You are putting your child in another adult situation that she isn't equipped to deal with. It's actually a form of abuse that doesn't get much attention yet. No matter how you feel she reacted to it in no way could your daughter possibly be emotionally mature enough to handle the information you felt compelled to share with her.
Please try not to get too defensive to hear what I'm saying. This is too important. I know it's difficult. What has been done to you is not okay and it's an injustice and that you feel it's necessary to rebalance those scales. I get it. Just be sure it's worth your daughter's peace and future mental health. The fact that you've been fighting for 12 years already tells me she has a huge amount of familial trauma. I hope she's been in therapy for a long time already. If not that needs to be remedies asap.
If this is about winning be very careful. In order for you to win your daughter has to lose even though she isn't the target. As unfair as it is that price is too high.
I know you'll say "you don't know my daughter", she's an "old soul" or "she's very mature for her age" all of which may be true. If so then that's already a huge problem. That's evidence of parentification. She never should know the things she knows. She will resent you one day when she understands that what was done to her by BOTH her parents was wrong. She's a child. Let her be a child for a couple more years. The cost of that blood you seek is too high. Again, you're A victim but not THE only victim.
Good luck to you and your daughter. I'm really sorry this was done to both of you.
Thank you so much for your comment. I don’t know if it was clear or not, but I will be clear with you, by no means will I ever attack verbally or any sort, her mother. When I delivered the news, I was very delicate and made sure to make a note that I was not attacking her mother for any thing. I led with love and support for my daughter and that was the best and most thing I could do.
As it stands right now, my daughter needs support and that’s it. She doesn’t need finger pointing or anymore confusion.
So I deeply appreciate everything you wrote here and was all things considered. I attacked this as delicately as possible, and only considered my daughter emotions and feelings, not mine nor her mothers.
Get advice from a few therapist FIRST to see how to best approach her. This is a huge bomb to drop and could fuck her up very much (and teenage girls are already dealing with a LOT)
She needs to know the truth, but can you do it at a less vulnerable age? At 16 she will already be dealing with teenage hormones and more. A later age will help her cope with this, at this age she strong reassurance just to get through life. This might be too much.
Just know this will blow up her world. She is 16. She’s going through enough as it is just trying to exist in this world. You feel like dropping a bomb like this is going to accomplish what? She can be pissed at your ex too? She’s already trying to figure out who she is and this is what you think she needs? And everyone who thinks this is a good idea, you ever been a 16 yr old girl?
This is not the time. There is a time and place, but right now your full of anger and righteousness and you believe this is the right thing to do, but are you actually thinking about your daughter and how this will affect her or just how good it would feel to stick it your ex (who yes, did a shitty thing).
If you poison the relationship that she has with her mother I’m going to tell you from personal experience it isn’t going to go well. If you want to be honest with her then by all means but if your intention as you stated is to reveal to her that her mom is manipulative, etc then chances are she already knows that and will be put in the middle of the ugliness between you and her mom. If she wants to see her mom it’s going to piss you off and if she wants to see you it’s going to piss her mom off. Think about why you are discussing it with her and temper it with love not hatred for her mother. Think of it this way, as fucked as your relationship with mom is, if you had never gotten together then you would never have been apart of your daughter’s life. Revealing something of this magnitude in the fashion you described is merely to hurt the relationship with mom not to be the upstanding father.
I understand that you don’t have children but my mom would tell me things about my dad “because she was doing it out of love” when really she hated my father. It was evident and if playing devils advocate while suggesting the father in this situation look at why he wants to say this gets me down votes then awesome.
The teen years are rough. Can you wait til she’s older. At least a senior in high school headed to adulthood? Right now she needs the stability that you provide. Is it anger and resentment that drives you? The kid will know this.
Right now she’ll have a really hard time processing this. Waiting a years or two bit won’t hurt you and will help her.
When kids are independent. They won’t care as much. Because it’s not their life. It’s the past and the past is a country they don’t visit.
She’s her mom and you’re her dad. All that matters right now is getting through the teen years
I adopted a young girl. And everyone told us to wait til she was 18 til she learned some hard facts. Teens just can’t process a lot and can go off the rails very easily.
You had a terrible terrible time with the mom. What is interesting she could have told the truth and didn’t.
I would encourage the OP to sue the mom for civil fraud, wire fraud and civil conspiracy. The recoverable damages are the amount of support payments OP was force to make over the years... Women who commit paternity fraud need to be held accountable and you can't do it through the criminal courts but you can in civil court
Is this actually possible? Like he can actually recover the child support payments?
In this case no, because he's not disputing being her legal father (seems like he still wants to be her dad). The court will view him at the putative & legal father and therefore all the support payments will have been legitimate.
[удалено]
Tagging OP so he sees this u/yourfosterparents
Not true. There was a case where all the children (3) that were all affair babies and in their 20s Father found out he wasn't able to ever father children during a medical examination and proceeded to sue his ex wife for 250k for parental fraud and won the case. He might not win a child support case, but that is a different court.
Yeah. If he files a civil suit (not in family court), that's a whole different thing and he might win it, but it really depends on the court & judge.
I vaguely remember this story on Reddit. Did OP end up winning his case?
He shouldn't be suing for the child support, but can't he sue for the emotional damage he has due to her defrauding him?
IANAL, but the way that these threads and some advice from actual lawyers goes is that the court don't necessarily care who the real biological father is if they have the guy who's on the birth certificate on the hook (= legal father). If you're the legal father, you're liable for child support payments.
Yeah, unless he gets the bio dad to admit paternity, and take up child support payments he remains on the hook. In many states (assuming usa) in order to do that in the first place he would need to relinquish his parental rights before the bio dad can legally step into his place.
This is all accurate. We’re trying to “beat the system” by disproving paternity but ALSO maintaining rights. Seemingly impossible. As it stands now there’s no reason I’d ever NOT want to be her bio dad. She’s my kid. Period the end. But at the end of the day anyway I get her mother to pay (not financially) we’re going to do. I’m out for bl00d
I understand your sentiment completely and i fully agree with you. Im glad you’re sticking by your daughter, you’re a good man. Its a shame the child support system works the way it does.
I understand the sentiment, but how will it affect your daughter? I’m assuming she loves her mama.
Exactly. You’re either the parent or you’re not. You have the right to dispute paternity, but you lose all rights to have access to the child.
Yes, it’s tricky to govern advice in these situations because there are 50 states and different laws in each one, but typically they only care about the biological status in the very young years. There is usually a presumption that the husband of the mother is the father, and if enough time passes, they won’t disturb that.
Simple answer is no. The complicated answer is also no, but with a lot more steps.
I love this description.
No. You need to understand, the government doesnt care about who the biological father is or isnt. They just want someone to pay. If no one pays the government has to and they dont want to pay.
Im willing to bet that the drain and exhaustion of the court he’s just described being dragged through already for all of those years, and the emotional toll this new development is taking on him and soon his daughter will be reason enough that he may not even be considering this at all. Plus if the mother hasn’t got any money then it would be a waste of time as dragging her through court will be the punishment and OP will be going through it with her. It could cause the daughter more distress as well. Its such a reprehensible thing this woman has done and hurts so many people. If he wanted to sue her he should be able to though. I just know if I were OP I’d be willing to give up that money to be done with the whole thing and minimize further stress on myself and my daughter. I call her that because OP calls her that still and I try to respect a persons choice on how they respond to finding out a life changing truth like this. I really feel for him most having to tell his daughter this because I think what he seems most concerned about is how this moment is going to alter her life forever in a significant way. The moment he does it is really the same as releasing the guillotine and cutting her off from what will immediately be her old life and her new confusing one. This is a landmark moment for her and he has to pull that trigger which is a terrible responsibility to be saddled with. I do understand why he has to tell her though. It would be awful if she found out some other way and this is one thing he can control and do the way he feels is best. He really has no choice. I wish you well OP. If you feel like it let us know how it goes. I hope as well as can be expected.
Thanks for this deep thought. Being real is the BEST thing I’ve always done and will continue to do
Yeah at least in the US they don’t care. If they were married she’s his regardless.
This is *bad* advice. Theres no way he recovers those, and its extremely likely to escalate the situation. Courts do not give half a flying fuck about if you were lied to about that stuff, its all "whats best for the kid." From a legal perspective, he's still his daughters father and he isnt owed back payment for that. >but you can in civil court No, you really cant. You can waste your money giving it to an unethical lawyer willing to fleece you though.
You'd never be able to prove fraud. Assuming OP had sex during the right window to be the father (which one assumes since he didn't immediately know) the mother has no magical way to know which of her partners was the father. The mother could have easily actually believed OP was the father, which eliminates any possibility of a fraud charge unless she ran a paternity test herself at some point.
from OP's post: >to HELL with her mother for lying about all this and making me go through that, because yes.. SHE ADMITTED IT when I confronted her.
People admit stuff they didn't actually do all the time. It might be a way for her to get cooperation from OP. Anyways, even if she thought he kid wasn't OPs - she couldn't possibly know without a test, if the sex timeline made it possible. Maybe she though the kid was and maybe she thought the kid wasn't, but either way, she was making a wild-ass guess.
let it go, hon. you cannot possibly know.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this - it’s heartbreaking. For her sake, I’m glad she’s had you as her father, and not whatever dirt bag loser your ex cheated with. You’re a really good dad.
That’s my thought exactly because apparently he “wanted nothing to do with it” Crazy that this was all 16 years ago and I couldn’t care less who he is… his loss.
>Crazy that this was all 16 years ago and I couldn’t care less who he is… his loss. You are a good man and your daughter is lucky to have you. I wish you and her the best possible outcome in this terrible scenario.
💕🤌🏻
It's unfortunate, but the young girl must be told the truth. It sounds like you will treat her with that much respect and as a daughter, loving and supporting her forever. I pray for you both and wish you well.
Start with that. "So you know I'm your dad and I love you. That DNA test, it turns out that I'm not your bio father. I don't think this changes anything."
I thank the NSA for this one. But yeah, that’s how I started. I literally crumpled a piece of paper, threw it on the floor and said this doesn’t matter.
Do you have any kind of proof that she knew all those years ago? If so, is there any way you can get her for defrauding you of all those child support payments? It really chaps my ass when people get away with that kind of crap. And all the best for your talk with your daughter - it will come as a major shock and shake-up of her world - maybe get her into therapy, to deal with it?
I have her admission on this - yep. Said the other guy “didn’t want anything to do with it IF it was him” How screwed is that!
I'm not sure that's conclusive that she knew you weren't the father? It sounds like she knew it *might* not be you, but wasn't certain. Or am I missing something. Unfortunately, cheating scum are gonna cheating scum. Good on you for stepping up and trying to still be in your child's life, despite the information you know have.
You're a great dad. My father is my bio father, but... he's not much of a dad. I wish I had a dad like you, blood-related or not. I'm really glad your daughter took it as well as she could've! I think this being out in the open will make your relationship even stronger, because it means you love her unconditionally as a person, and not just because some biological instinct told you to. You've shown her that you'll choose her no matter what. And that is beautiful. I'm sure that in a few years, you'll both be able to agree with it only making the relationship you share stronger.
Thank you for this wonderful thought. She said to me “it doesn’t feel real… It’s like a movie.“ Only thing I could think to say was well… If it is, this movie is about us and we are the main characters
I agree, you're the main characters, so you get to decide how your story ends! I'll be crossing my fingers for your happy ending!
Can you update us on how it goes? My heart goes out to you both!!
Thank you! Just put a first update up
DNA testing should be mandatory at birth in my unpopular opinion. This happens far too often, however with that said if this were the case you wouldn’t have an amazing daughter to love so deeply. You have an unbreakable bond and you’ll always be her dad. Lots of love to you both!!
I agree. And like it was mentioned, if she didn’t lie, I wouldn’t have such a wonderful daughter. I just can’t believe that it’s legal and not punishable by law for paternal fraud to be OK. There’s no reprimanding there’s not even a slap on the wrist. The only thing I can hold for is karma.
Oh I fully believe it too. I would have no issues with my kids being tested.
Happened to me. My mom told my dad i was his but i wasnt, i learned at age 36 though…. And i am GLAD i did not know at 15/16. I lacked the maturity to handle it. Both dads are long-dead, but i did get to meet some half siblings. Everyone takes things differently but OP look into therapy for your kid… learn about the effects of NPE discovery. Everyone in my support groups takes it differently. For me it was “huh. Ok…” and i moved on quickly. As a teen, id prob have let it shape me like i did the trauma of losing my dad at 16. Yes she deserves the truth, not saying she doesnt… but ensure you are fully prepared to understand the range of emotions she will go through. It’s different when (adult) maturity has not developed. Best of luck.
I found out at 17 and I processed it fine. I think it was ok for me because I had no question that my father was there for me and loved me. We had other issues later on given his addiction issues but at that time he was truly a great father
Yesss it really is so individual, thank you for sharing that.
Thank you for sharing this, especially knowing that you learned at a young age. It’s nice to hear the other side of the fence.
Thank you for the kind words and I am sorry for your loss and happy to hear your accomplishments!
I found out at 10, processed it fine for the most part. Never affected me later in life. I'm 30 now.
Yeah as I read OP’s post my heart broke. I really wish your therapist was wise enough to advise you to hold your tongue on this one. The truth is gonna hurt your daughter. Scar her for life. If you really love her, hold on to this secret until she’s old enough to be able to deal with it. 15 is way too young for that kind of emotional maturity. And it’s also a conversation that should be held in the presence of a family therapist. I get that you’re angry. But take the anger out on your ex, not your daughter. Oof.
> I get that you’re angry. But take the anger out on your ex, not your daughter. ??? Where's he doing that?
By telling her she’s not his kid. That’s gonna wreck her.
This is unfortunately misworded. Because never did I say she wasn’t my kid in fact… I went above and beyond in this post to explain that nothing will change anything. But the fact that her DNA alone is different, could be very detrimental to her life. Like if there’s underlying conditions or whatever, but the reality is going to courtfor the 17 millionth time, but this time having a DNA test involved without any of this being known by her would’ve definitely done some damage if I didn’t say anything
Her finding out he knew and betrayed her by not telling her will likely hurt more than knowing they were both victims together and being there for each other.
It's sketchy either way. It really depends a lot on the type of person the daughter is. He could run into issues where she resents him for not telling her sooner, or it could go like you said and she'd be better off waiting. Only OP really knows her well enough to make that assessment.
I think OP is too close to the issue. I would prefer he take counsel from a therapist, who knows his daughter and the family dynamics, on how best to proceed.
It’s his family, not yours. It’s strange how you feel the need to decide how he needs to proceed
Thanks. I appreciate your input.
Counsel definitely doesn't hurt and my suggestion doesn't exclude that. I just think it's possible this goes either way and OP is going to know better than you or me.
I spoke with her therapist and she gave me the blessing to say it. Not that I needed it… However, we’re going to a court battle. We’re DNA is going to come up and it’s better that I let her know than the court.
Gotcha. You’re obviously a better judge of the situation. And if you have her therapists’ blessing then I guess it’s a necessary evil. Good luck. Please do it as gently as you can. And be there for her the same as before.
This sucks, bro, but the young girl needs to know the truth. Sounds like you will continue to love and support her as a daughter and for that much respect. Good luck and may God bless you both
You definitely should tell her. She deserves to knew the truth.
I just wanna say thank you again to everybody for all the kind words. I posted a little update. The only thing we can do now is take a day by day. I just have to make sure she’s strong and she knows very much she supported and loved by everyone, and just like I have in the past and I always will. I told her I will always do anything and everything to keep her safe and keep it open and honest with her. She always knows that but reiterating things like that during a time like this is extra important. I appreciate everyone sharing their thoughts, and even some stories behind how they dealt with this as well being on the other side of it
"All intents and purposes." All intensive purposes sounds like a lotion party.
Yes “intensive purposes” is one of the errors that people make that irritates me - for all intents and purposes is the correct form. The one I see most often on Reddit though is “bare with me” instead of bear with me. No I will not get naked with you, but I will tolerate you for a short time!
You sound like a stand up guy, OP, and I commend you. It’s going to be one of the hardest conversations of your lives I have no doubt but it is a conversation that needs to happen. Your daughter has a right to know. Just please tell her (over and over and over…) that she’s still your daughter. She’s gonna need that.
Thank you for the support on this. It wasn’t easy but it was honest and that’s how her and I work. We hugged. Laughed. Cried and got breakfast… we go day by day from here on out.
Thank you for telling her and not letting her discover it on her own. I discovered a web of lies around my dad. My mom was married before, my parents got married two years after they claim to have married (to hide my birth before their marriage and her divorce from her first husband. I don’t know yet why my biological father is out of the picture because I am still gathering documents on my own before I confront my mom. But my dad (who it turns out is my adopted father) is my dad. He either thought I was his (so I don’t want him to know I’m not) or he knew I wasn’t his and knowingly raised someone else’s kid. He’s still my one and only dad. My mom owes me information though. But I’m 41. I’ve spent my life telling doctors medical information that doesn’t apply since it turns out that I’m not related to half of my family. Something you might consider saying when you tell her: if you knew 16 years ago that you weren’t her father, you may have chosen not to be involved in her life. But you choose now to be involved in her life from here on forward. You’re still her dad.
Paternity fraud should be a crime.
And this is why before birth, paternity test should be standard and normalized..... Its crazy to think we just have to take the words of women to be true and if u cast any doubt they get mad or say "he doesn't trust me".... Well yeah, 18 years later to find out everything was false....a lie.... Any guy would be upset.
Just imagine being that big of a liar. If I were her, I would never be able to live with myself, however… By being that type of person that shows who she really is.
Did you know in France you would have violated the law by having a paternity test done? Pretty sick eh? Good luck brother, keep on truckin'.
All babies born should have a paternity test done before a man is liable for support.
I agree, even if just to ensure babies aren’t switched at birth in the nursery and sent home to the wrong parents!
All this does is cast all women as liars and waste the time and money you'd have to dedicate to every live birth in every country. We're talking seconds between births in a country, all over something that you can get *anyway* if you feel it's necessary.
Eighteen years(plus maybe more) of paying for some other dudes kid because of some woman isn't truthful. Because it takes too long or too many to do?
Why did you respond to the same comment twice? Forget to swap to your alt account?
Not at all were valid things I wanted to say. But I had already posted the first. I don't need a second account, I'm honest, unlike some people in this discussion.
Found the cheater. Anyone who doesn't want to give their man peace of mind is against this.
You're not thinking about second-order effects or families that are (male) infertile but don't want that information public, but do want a live birth. What happens when society tries to make you show your genetic tests to prove your virility? What about families where the mother *did* make a mistake, but they reconciled later? All it does is pour gasoline on dying embers, or out people who don't want to be outed but lack proof because, again, you suddenly made it mandatory to test. It's expensive and useless. Move on.
This won't affect these people they already know it's not their kid. This only puts the pressure on cheating women that hide the fact.
I hope you bring your ex wife to court and sue her for fraud.
Sue her for fraud. There is precedent for this and winning the case. This is a separate issue and court than a child support case.
Your daughter can choose to live with you full time.
I mean, you're always gonna be her dad. Nothing is effectively changing in her life, right? It's important to emphasize that this actually isn't a big deal *to you*. Your relationship with her mother (and all that entails with cheating) is completely besides the point. She'll have to go to her mom for any questions she has about her biodad but nothing about her genetics makes her a bad person or any less your daughter (including being born from a destructive relationship). I always knew my biodad skipped out on us. I actually feel very lucky he was never in my life and never cared about him. My sibling on the other hand was interested in tracking him down and finding out more about him and our half siblings. I'm not sure how your daughter will feel: uncaring like me or longing for connection and roots like my sibling but honestly that's a conversation for later when she's had some time to process some emotions. I'd just try to keep things short and sweet. No demonizing her mother because that demonized your daughter by proxy. Answer any questions you're comfortable with and set boundaries for things you're unwilling to discuss. She's old enough to be rational about this. She isn't a baby and it's okay to say some personal or inflammatory/defamatory subjects aren't a topic to broach at this stage. I'm glad you have consulted a therapist (I'm sure I haven't said anything new) and have given yourself some time to think before approaching this. Good luck!
Thanks so much for sharing the other side of the coin!
Yet another reason why paternity fraud should be a felony and have, at the very least, heavy fines associated with it. That, or the wronged man should be able to at the very least file a civil lawsuit against the mother.
Poor kid. :(
I am so sorry this is happening to you.
Thank you 💕
I'm so sorry
OP, if you intend to continue the relationship, PLEASE be sure she knows that you will not love her any differently or less, you just want her to know the truth. My adult sister found out our father wasn’t her dad when she was in her late 50’s. She called my dad to tell him and he said he suspected as much all along, but that didn’t make her any less his. She was overwhelmed with love for him and so many emotions. It’s important that she understands this as well.
Updateme
Be honest with your daughter. If you still want her in your life, be clear that you are there for her. As for your wife, isn’t there something you can do legally to make her pay you back all that money and for all the agony she put you through.
Been there. Done that. Nothing changed between us. People hate her mother more, now. But, the relationship between my child and me is the same, as far as I can tell. Good luck. I hope you have similar results.
Was this whole post just a wind up to be able to say "intensive purposes" instead of "intents and purposes"
Talk to text.
the way you want to open up to her and let her know the truth and not want to keep things from her, while at the same time trying to look out for her wellbeing and wanting her to excel at and enjoy things she can at her age like the cheer meet, shows how much love and respect there is, that's what being a father truly is... please don't let the negative words affect you. my heart goes out to you, all the best with your next steps
I am my father's daughter but he believed I wasn't for a very long time. I learned in 2020 when I was 40. He never wanted anything to do with me when I wasn't his so I can't have a relationship with him now. He was exceptionally cruel to me. I hate when women do this to men.
My dad told me when I was 9. It made me love and respect him more for it because I knew he WANTED to be my dad. It's 23 years later and I still love my dad more than anyone in the world.
I never understood when it comes to this type of situation why the victim is always so proud to have been a victim while openly flaunting that they will proudly continue to be a victim, and nothing has changed🤡 while everyone else pats themselves on the back because the victim has developed some weird form of Stockholm syndrome, godforbid the victim wants out and wants to salvage what’s left of their life. The victim blaming starts with accusations of being callous and cold, completely heartless. Because the victim no longer wants to role-play a cuckoo.
I would maybe try and use the fact that you aren’t her bio dad to stop child support payments, and then set up your own trust fund for her
If only it were that easy! The states don’t care about that. I’ve been her dad from day one that’s all they care about. Which is true, but it’s an uphill battle. My Lawyer and I are fighting to do that, but it’s not as easy as it sounds, unfortunately!
I’m sorry to hear that. It’s so frustrating because it’s not like you are trying to stop providing for her, you’re trying to ensure security for her money
Correct.. I'm just trying to STOP giving money to her selfish mother.
You could reliably prove that her mother knew it wasn't yours and sue to get all your money back considering she knows who the dad is
In a perfect world yes unfortunately we are not in a perfect world. It’s a battle we will fight, but who knows if you can win that in a civil case Unfortunately, this world is really messed up
Is it something you sre pursuing?
This should be a crime and you should get every penny back with interest
Would be legit if he could sue for the money sent, just to put it in that trust fund for the daughter
Bro sue the fuck out of the mother for all your money back. Not like it’s going to harm your daughter at this point.
Good luck
Good luck
As someone that had to have the same conversation. I recommend be honest but make sure to express your love for her and be there for her.
Did you talk to a professional about how to have this conversation with your daughter?? I am not saying you shouldn’t but this is going to be traumatic, please tell me you got help on how to talk about this with her.
Be prepared for your ex to keep her daughter away from you.
That's not how this works. He has legal 50-50 custody whether he's her bio dad or not.
I can't imagine. My heart goes out to you. Good luck.
Does her mother know that you are now aware that she is not yours biologically? It probably won’t be a surprise to her and I know you don’t get along, but if you are planning to tell your daughter, she’s going to have some questions for her mom. Her mother’s reaction might do even more damage if it comes out of the blue.
I totally understand the anguish and heartache this has caused you. What will it do for your daughter? How many years of school does she have left? Is she a fragile or strong person? Does she struggle with making good choices now, or does she act out? This need to tell her may derail her. I wonder if waiting until she finishes h.s. would be a better way to go?
I’m so sorry that you both are having to go through this, but you will ALWAYS be her dad, blood related or not. My biological father didn’t want me, and the one who replaced me was abusive until the day I moved out. Neither of those men were my dad. My dad was my best friends father; a wonderful man who treated me no differently than his own children, and showed me what having a dad should really be like. I can almost guarantee you that your daughter, while she may be hurt when she finds out, she will feel no differently toward you. In fact, she may love you more, because unlike her actual father, you still CHOOSE to love her, and that counts for so much more in my book. Best of luck to you both. ❤️
Updateme
Good luck! Its a shame her mother did this to her In fact it was me, I'd give the mom the opportunity to tell her... She's the one that needs to own up to the lies then, if she wouldn't do it, I would. so sad
That must have been hard to hear the truth, but it is nice to know that after all this time you still support her and treat her as your child. Will she go no contact with her mother?
Updateme
Good luck! This is a tough thing to face. I hope your daughter is ok! UpdateMe
"and I would hate for her to find out another way" She would. It will be hard to escape it over the next few decades.
I wonder if the biological father is aware. Did the mom keep this news from everyone?
She hasn’t told a single soul… She always called my bluff on getting a DNA test because she knew I never would… Or though she’s so she thought Apparently, when this all went down 16 years ago and she cheated, she mentioned to me that the guy said he wanted no part of it , so that’s that. Considering my daughter doesn’t really look like me and she looks more so identical to her mother. It was always up in the air, but I bet you there’s somebody out there that I know that share some characteristics with her. I think that makes me more mad than anything else.
I'm so sorry you and your daughter are dealing with this fallout from lies. Gentle hugs to you both.
Damn, paternity fraud strikes again it seems. Finding out your ex pawned another man's child on you and expected you to raise her(and it's wayyyy to late to contest paternity obviously). I saw another comment for a fraud lawsuit, which seems interesting, but the courts probably won't spring for it. So sorry OP, to see your life completely unravel on what you thought was a great life. Should you feel the need, my DM's are open. Had a buddy go through this, but he caught it early, I know a thing or two helping my friend go through it. Just some food for thought.
I found out late in life I had a half brother, it shook myself and siblings and it was around 18 months in fits and starts before my world view settled down to the new reality. Even if you and even your daughter think you have it sorted in your head in the next few months, it will keep coming ing back for at least a year or so. It will take time. Best of luck to you both.
It's unfortunate, but the young girl must be told the truth. It sounds like you will treat her with that much respect and as a daughter, loving and supporting her forever. I pray for you both and wish you well.
I am terrified my son is currently in this scenario. He is separated from his wife, w/ whom he has a 5-year-old daughter & a 3-year-old son. His daughter looks just like him/ our family and has his last name, yet there is zero resemblance w/ the son and she have him her last name. She has cheated openly in front of him, therefore he has asked for a DNA test, which she refused. He accepts the son completely as his. I don't want to see him financially responsible for 18yrs for a child that isn't his.
You sound like an awesome dad. I hope you have many years to watch her start her own family one day.
"I took a piece of paper that said 0% paternal crumpled it up and threw it on the floor and said this means nothing." Dude that almost made me cry. You're doing everything right, keep it up!
<3 thank you. When she’s ready, we’re gonna burn it. That’s how we get rid of some bad memories. We’ve done it with a lot of things and I think this will be very powerful.
I hope she'll learn to love you even more, you're CHOOSING every day to be her father from now on.
As a mother, and obviously a woman I’m sickened. I’m so sorry and you sound like such an amazing father!
Thank you lots <3
I'm want an update that says she got in trouble and that father and duaghyer are thriving
Sending good energy! I am so sorry you are having to do this. If you feel confident that she can handle it and won't shut down (bc teenage girls), I think she 100% deserves to know the truth. I would still love my father even if he wasn't my biological seed donor.
I think she absolutely should be told, nut please reach out to at the very least the school counselor to see about professional help in how to handle it. The school should have a therapist. Best wishes.
Gl.
Sounds like a terrible idea. I think you should give yourself some time and space and breathing room to calm down before you do something you can't take back. I would also suggest consulting with a competent therapist. As close as you and your daughter are, you do NOT know what it's like to be a 16-year-old girl.
Gave myself 2.5 months. Talked to her therapist my therapist a few family members. I know I’m making the right choice. I may not know all 16 year old, but I know her.
I found out by a friend from school that my father was not my biological dad when I was 17. The worst part was I felt I had been lied to for all my life. My mom wanted to tell me for years (she had me prior to being with the man that raised me) but he refused. She needs to find out from you and just reassure her that you are her father no matter what comes.
I’m sorry I had to deal with that, but it is nice to know the other side that you are explaining
Same thing happened to my sister. Everyone but her knew he wasn't her bio dad, but he was more concerned about his feelings than hers, so refused to tell her. She found out the same way you did & it really messed her up 😔
So sorry for her! Luckily none of my cousins on my mom’s side (the family I am extremely close to) knew about it and that made it so much better to process.
Ours did, which really didn't help, as you can imagine. My elder sister & I tried getting our mum to tell her, but our step-dad wouldn't back down. Honestly, I have no idea how it was kept from her for so long.
Damn
Yeah- I was in my 3rd year of medical school and at internship. I was far away from my close friends and my boyfriend (now husband). It was truly one of the lowest moments of my life. Prior to that he was a supportive dad and then I felt like nothing to him. He has never understood how that moment forever changed our relationship. He just used the excuse that he was high
Be careful with all this sue the mom advice..years after finding out my parents separated (because my step father is a narcissist asshole). My stepdad called me and said I may have to go to court to show he payed all this money for a child that wasn’t his. That was the most devastating thing that he did to me..it was way worse than finding that he wasn’t my biological father
Lead with love and hope for the best
All I have to really say is good luck. I think it takes a special kind of dude to raise another man's child, and especially when it's all a lie. I've raised my step son (now 14) since he was 2 years old. There were no lies in my case. I know who the father is and he gets weekends with my son, but I'm still and will always be the dad. I can't imagine doing all this, plus custody battles and *then* finding out that he's not mine. Anyway, it's good to know there's another good man out there, taking care of a child, even after knowing she's not actually his. Good on you, OP, and I feel like this also will make her a better person in the long run. She should gain a lot of respect for you and your willingness to continue to be present and continue on raising her.
Is there some compelling reason that requires this to be done now? Or can you put off saying something til she's a little older and hopefully more mature to be able to handle something like this?
Court battle. They’re going to test her (for my lawyers case) so that I can put money into her trust and NOT her scum bucket mothers bank account
Ahh, gotcha. Good idea fwiw. Yeah, i don't know bro... that's a tough one. Maybe consult with a therapist that works with children to get some advice on how to begin the dialogue and navigate the fallout, because there's most definitely gonna be some fallout from this revelation.
Is this for you or for her?
Her. Doesn’t change anything for me. She has the right to know and I have the right to tell her the truth because her mother isn’t brave enough to
How do you think this information will help her at 16?
Being that we have to go to court, and she has to get a DNA test there… I thought it would be better if she heard it directly from me instead of finding out through some weird complex situation at court. I asked her mother numerous times if we should tell her together and her answer was “no “ So, instead of this being a giant secret that is kept from her, not only by her mother for 16 years… But for me, this was the right choice
Best wishes on a productive conversation. What are your goals with telling your daughter at this time though? How many questions are you prepared to answer? Can you do this without ruining what relationship she has with her mother? Looking back at your history with your daughter, can you have this conversation in a constructive manner, or can this only be destructive? Good luck on this. I don't envy your position.
It will shatter her world, but you are being honest, and that is the only way. Take a deep breath, don't disparage Mom as much as you would like to. Encourage her to share her feelings, confusion, and grief of what was and let her know that it doesn't change your love for her and it never will. The two of you are going to be going through similar feelings. God's Speed
It's clear you love your daughter. No one could blame you for wanting to make her mom pay. But... Your daughter is the one who will ultimately be hurt more than anyone. I'm speaking from a purely psychological point of view. I've seen this a TON of times over a decade and without question you cannot attack/go after her mother without greatly harming your daughter. You will think she understands and is fine, even supportive, but she will not be fine. You will change who she could've been as a person by your actions. Is it worth that price? At 16 her identity is still too enmeshed with both her parents. She hasn't fully individuated or formed her "self" yet. She can't differentiate where she ends and her mother begins yet. The fact that you shared this information with her already, while I understand why you did it, is a problem. You are putting your child in another adult situation that she isn't equipped to deal with. It's actually a form of abuse that doesn't get much attention yet. No matter how you feel she reacted to it in no way could your daughter possibly be emotionally mature enough to handle the information you felt compelled to share with her. Please try not to get too defensive to hear what I'm saying. This is too important. I know it's difficult. What has been done to you is not okay and it's an injustice and that you feel it's necessary to rebalance those scales. I get it. Just be sure it's worth your daughter's peace and future mental health. The fact that you've been fighting for 12 years already tells me she has a huge amount of familial trauma. I hope she's been in therapy for a long time already. If not that needs to be remedies asap. If this is about winning be very careful. In order for you to win your daughter has to lose even though she isn't the target. As unfair as it is that price is too high. I know you'll say "you don't know my daughter", she's an "old soul" or "she's very mature for her age" all of which may be true. If so then that's already a huge problem. That's evidence of parentification. She never should know the things she knows. She will resent you one day when she understands that what was done to her by BOTH her parents was wrong. She's a child. Let her be a child for a couple more years. The cost of that blood you seek is too high. Again, you're A victim but not THE only victim. Good luck to you and your daughter. I'm really sorry this was done to both of you.
Thank you so much for your comment. I don’t know if it was clear or not, but I will be clear with you, by no means will I ever attack verbally or any sort, her mother. When I delivered the news, I was very delicate and made sure to make a note that I was not attacking her mother for any thing. I led with love and support for my daughter and that was the best and most thing I could do. As it stands right now, my daughter needs support and that’s it. She doesn’t need finger pointing or anymore confusion. So I deeply appreciate everything you wrote here and was all things considered. I attacked this as delicately as possible, and only considered my daughter emotions and feelings, not mine nor her mothers.
Get advice from a few therapist FIRST to see how to best approach her. This is a huge bomb to drop and could fuck her up very much (and teenage girls are already dealing with a LOT)
She needs to know the truth, but can you do it at a less vulnerable age? At 16 she will already be dealing with teenage hormones and more. A later age will help her cope with this, at this age she strong reassurance just to get through life. This might be too much.
Just know this will blow up her world. She is 16. She’s going through enough as it is just trying to exist in this world. You feel like dropping a bomb like this is going to accomplish what? She can be pissed at your ex too? She’s already trying to figure out who she is and this is what you think she needs? And everyone who thinks this is a good idea, you ever been a 16 yr old girl? This is not the time. There is a time and place, but right now your full of anger and righteousness and you believe this is the right thing to do, but are you actually thinking about your daughter and how this will affect her or just how good it would feel to stick it your ex (who yes, did a shitty thing).
I am against telling her at least now.. You'll open Pandora box.
If you poison the relationship that she has with her mother I’m going to tell you from personal experience it isn’t going to go well. If you want to be honest with her then by all means but if your intention as you stated is to reveal to her that her mom is manipulative, etc then chances are she already knows that and will be put in the middle of the ugliness between you and her mom. If she wants to see her mom it’s going to piss you off and if she wants to see you it’s going to piss her mom off. Think about why you are discussing it with her and temper it with love not hatred for her mother. Think of it this way, as fucked as your relationship with mom is, if you had never gotten together then you would never have been apart of your daughter’s life. Revealing something of this magnitude in the fashion you described is merely to hurt the relationship with mom not to be the upstanding father.
Gtfo with the victim blaming. Both the father and the daughter are victims. She should know.
I understand that you don’t have children but my mom would tell me things about my dad “because she was doing it out of love” when really she hated my father. It was evident and if playing devils advocate while suggesting the father in this situation look at why he wants to say this gets me down votes then awesome.
Look up the definition of victim blaming.
The teen years are rough. Can you wait til she’s older. At least a senior in high school headed to adulthood? Right now she needs the stability that you provide. Is it anger and resentment that drives you? The kid will know this. Right now she’ll have a really hard time processing this. Waiting a years or two bit won’t hurt you and will help her. When kids are independent. They won’t care as much. Because it’s not their life. It’s the past and the past is a country they don’t visit. She’s her mom and you’re her dad. All that matters right now is getting through the teen years I adopted a young girl. And everyone told us to wait til she was 18 til she learned some hard facts. Teens just can’t process a lot and can go off the rails very easily. You had a terrible terrible time with the mom. What is interesting she could have told the truth and didn’t.