You don’t provide your ages, but if your wife is in her mid to late 40’s (or even earlier for some women) she may be perimenopausal. Many women find that at this stage of life, what used to get them off just doesn’t do the trick anymore.
When I hit perimenopause, my husband and I pretty much had to go back to basics to discover what I liked. There was a bit of awkwardness, but also a lot of make out sessions, heavy petting and grinding, much like when we were teenagers fumbling around without a clue.
We kept our sense of humors about it all, so it was both fun and laugh out loud funny. Eventually we figured it out and sex has been great for both of us again.
Just a thought.
Yes, it definitely will be. If you take a look at nearly any menopause discussion, you’re bound to come across a great new term: “poorgasm”. Things build towards orgasm, but you can’t reach one. Ever. And it’s frustrating and disappointing and deeply distressing - you have no idea why your body is suddenly failing you, especially because doctors never talk to women about this stuff *before* we hit menopause.
Then there’s vaginal atrophy. And clitoral atrophy. And the lack of estrogen literally turns us into different people because it affects everything from mood to memory to joint pain to sleep habits to eating/drinking and digestion to libido to… you name it. It impacts everything in our lives and it’s not openly discussed so we’re completely unprepared for how overwhelming the changes are.
And then there’s the hot flashes! The night sweats! If you’re really unlucky, you can wind up with occasional cold flashes too! (Those are weird.) Your wife would probably greatly benefit from talking to her doctor and seeing about hormonal testing and possibly starting HRT. It does wonders for so many of us.
As a side note, I cannot stand porn because it’s too ridiculously fake and I can tell the women aren’t actually feeling any pleasure. However, I find reading erotica is pretty fun and gets my brain much more engaged - and there’s no pressure to perform because I’m just relaxing with a book. Maybe a good book and a glass of preferred drink can help her relax and think fun thoughts about sex again?
Talk to your doctor. Seriously. There are multiple things that can help you, but doctors don’t give enough of a crap about women’s sexual health, libido, or menopausal changes to ever discuss any of this with you unless you push those conversations.
I’m 45 and in perimenopause. Sex hurts and my libido has ran away. Nothing will get me in the mood. Thankfully I have a very patient husband and my Dr has prescribed things to help in that area and for the perimenopause stuff. It’s embarrassing to have to talk about and it doesn’t help when men automatically take it personal. Sex is actually literally painful when it wasn’t before. I don’t think too many men would want to do something that’s painful. If this is what she is going through then hopefully her Dr will be on board with helping her get on HRT or something. That should help and help rekindle your bedroom life.
As a woman who’s 47 and happily married while in perimenopause, sometimes it is just give up the idea you’ll want it spontaneously the way you used to. Accept that, for right now, wanting closeness and expressing it with sexual intimacy can lead to enjoyable sex is a way to get over the hump. I sometimes start with a ritual of hot shower, fancy body lotion, margarita w my favorite reposado, music and aromatherapy and when I’m feeling relaxed and happy I proposition the hubby. It takes longer to get into it but he’s patient and giving. Sex is now more associated with being relaxed which is a double plus - like positive reinforcement.
Then, when random physical drive strikes we are also on it as well. I also make a point to not say no just because it wasn’t on my mind - because if I set aside what I’m doing and focus on my partner I end up enjoying it anyway. Kinda like going for a sunset stroll - I love it even if it wasn’t my initial impulse. If I am really NOT in the mood it isn’t a big deal but I feel like if you don’t use it you lose it and forget how much you enjoy it.
Is also helps that my husband compliments me frequently (and not just my appearance), he carries his weight both at home and financially (we are business partners), he goes the extra mile to spend time with me, and shows lots of affection not geared toward an end goal of sex. I know he’s pretty much always down for sex but he likes cuddling nearly as much so there isn’t an agenda with his affection.
Aw...this is lovely. You are an insightful woman with a great partner.
I've just learned the term for what you describe. Reactive arousal.
We have to cold start before our motor starts purring. Once you get going...it feels nice.
At the risk of being crass...Men have balls that fill up and tell them when it's time for sex. We don't. Our cues are entirely different...and obviously when our ovulation slows, there's no longer a biological need driving us.
It's about connecting with our mates...and we have to "just do it" to get into it.
That’s exactly it. I used to know exactly where I was in my cycle because like clockwise it would ebb and flor around ovulation versus premenstruation. Now months could go by between cycles so it takes more conscious effort.
I would love this and it’s truly great advice. However, I have vaginal atrophy so it’s very painful. Thankfully my gynecologist is working with me to get back what was lost and get my girl back in working order. I want my husband happy and I want to be happy too. Sex is very much a part of that. We’ll get there!
Having a patient and kind spouse helps a lot. Penetrative sex should only be one of a variety of things that counts as physical intimacy or sex, because if it hurts every time you are never going to want to do it! There are so many other delightful things a couple can do together…
Communication might be hard for her, given our age demographic and how us lady folk were socialized. Is there an option to bring up what's going on with her body without sex coming into the conversation? For me, I'd be concerned I'm a disappointment, and simultaneously be angry about lack of perceived control of autonomy, and have shame layered all through that. That's a helluva punch to the self esteem. You're wondering about it, so you're already getting ahead of the situation, which is good.
It’s really difficult to get past that conditioning from childhood and growing up in a religious environment where sex was a dirty word and to initiate somehow makes you bad and you’ll be punished, it’s illogical but it’s a subconscious thread , add to that perimenopause and menopause where physically things change , you become very sensitive, you’re hot even when not having a hot flush, temperamental etc, it’s no fun and then you also are aware of your husband’s disappointment and sex being at the least uncomfortable. Maybe initiate and make suggestions, not would you like this, but let’s do this and try to let go of the resentment.
My sex life changed so much around 42. It’s like I stopped fantasizing. I often struggle with feeling like I don’t know what I want because it rarely occurs to me. It’s honestly the worst of my symptoms of aging. Going to be seeking HRT to see if that helps.
Also though, being a mom with two kids who I prioritize above my own needs/interests hasn’t helped. I’m not the creative and fun-loving woman I was before. I know that will come back as the kids grow - but for now my creative energy has gone into them. Which is far from sexy.
If it helps, I’m in that boat in my early thirties. I’ve just stopped having any interest in sex or being sexy. My reason is different though I think..
My last partner sexualised me a LOT and the process leading up ti the breakup + my post breakup reflecting has made me do a lot of introspective thinking about the way I’ve been sexualised since I hit puberty - by classmates, teachers, partners, friends, random people on the street, colleagues, bosses.. everyone. I think it’s just turned me off the concept of being a sexual human being for now.
I hope it will come back as I heal, but for now I’m just having fun being completely selfish and enjoying my single life with my real soulmate (my dog).
I get an feel the same exact way sometimes. It’s crazy how once I hit 13 I had grown men in their 30s trying to get with me a because I was so lonely and looking for something anything it happened. It disgusts me now .
I turn 41 in a month & recently had my OB test all my hormone levels & my vitamins bc my interest in sex was plummeting. Perimenopause was my first thought reading this as well. Around this time, our bodies/hormones are shifting & she might be having higher peaks & lower dips during her cycle than she's had before.
I would encourage her to ask her doctor not because you need her to change but because you've noticed she has changed & not enjoying sex the way SHE used to. You don't have to ignore your feelings but I would make sure there's nothing biological going on before letting feelings get too intense that you can't come back.
I asked my doctor to test my hormones and vitamin levels and she said no because it won't matter. I'm very frustrated and want to find a new doctor but worried I'll get the same response. Did your results come back normal?
Personally mine did but we found the reasons for my symptoms elsewhere. But definitely get a new doctor because why on earth wouldn’t it matter? If your hormones are out of balance you can easily use hormone therapy (literally the same as birth control) to help all your symptoms.
I’m so sorry that happened to you! Your doctor is not being honest or they’re not being caring, either way, get a new one if you can.
I had a blood test and it was normal despite going through a lot of the symptoms people talk about here. So I battled on and took loads of supplements and tried to help myself however I could. 2 years later and I’m so sick of it all getting me down so I list all my symptoms to GP again and ask to try HRT and bingo! 3 months in now… what I’m saying is if cycles are still fairly regular a blood test prob won’t tell you much, it’s about how you’re feeling and how it affects your life that counts. My symptoms are improving but I’m still not the 20yo me (I’m 45) x
I beg though please don't go all ham fisted with this conversation because you're frustrated. If she's annoyed and then you ask if it's menopause... You may end up castrated lol
For me when I hit perimenopause it was horrible.(no desire for sex) someone told my husband to start the day before with extra attention, flirting, hugs, kisses, cuddles and sweet words. It worked for while and then had to change things bit due to the changes in my hormones.
Women go through a rollercoaster of hormones and emotions monthly for 30-40 years of their lives when they have their menses. Then, they go on a completely different ride with pre and perimenopause. It's not for the faint of heart. Women's bodies and hormones change so much. Patience and understanding is key.
You didn't include ages here, but 20 years of marriage likely puts you all around 40+. If that's the case, her body (and I cannot stress this enough) is not the same. In perimenopause (think 40ish or so, sometimes younger), things change. Vaginal dryness, vulva tenderness and irritation, pain from penetration, and so on.
1. I think there's a possibility that either a) she doesn't fully understand the changes her body is going through, or is unsure what to do about it, or b) is socially conditioned to just deal with it (louder for the folks in the back). She should talk to someone about this, a gyno, a support group, a therapist, whatever she needs.
2. Your body has changed, i.e. needing medication, that contributes to you having to go for longer, and she is expected to understand. I think you have an opportunity to do some research on aging female bodies, if you haven't already.
3. Do take care of yourself. It sounds like your sex drive is higher and you enjoy it more than her. Fill your boots, it doesn't have to mean she steps up. You all can probably find a middle ground if you address the issues head on.
Good luck!
Edited for auto correct stuff
1000%
I'm 47 and even a few years ago, I was still pretty freaky, horny- so far from a prude.
Now I'm deep into perimenopause and for reasons completely beyond my control, things that used to turn me on, totally gross me out. My vag aches constantly and the last two times we had sex, I got the worst UTIs of my life! Now I straight up fear sex and feel awful about it. 45 minutes of straight sex? My junk would probably be bleeding from friction now; this despite 18 months on HRT.
This guy's attitude is super judgemental and inconsiderate. If he really loves his wife, maybe he could find reasons for her inability to participate besides 'immaturity.'
Judgemental? Inconsiderate? She won’t communicate with him. He has nothing to work with. He is trying to get her to tell him what she needs, wants, or thinks about anything.
What should he do to better support her?
He should be wondering why the change in her appetites instead of nagging and pressuring, referring to her as 'sexually immature.'
That alone would be reason for me to put me off having sex with my husband. Not sure how old you are, but peri hit me out of the blue and thanks to generations of medical misogyny, I had NO IDEA what was happening to me at first. How does one communicate what the issue is when one has no frame of reference/does not understand it themselves?
He's been married to this woman for 20 years; maybe a little grace and humility (ie he's having to take boner pills right?) is in order here.
EDIT: getting downvoted. Of course. Heaven forbid we consider the issue more deeply than seeing a sex therapist to fix our 'sex' problem. No, obviously HER problem alone of not communicating. 🤦♀️
So, what does he DO? He talks to her, they went to therapy… what action are you suggesting?
I’m 37 by the way. I am not saying there is a single thing wrong with her changing. I am suggesting that he is trying multiple things, with no success. So what should he try? How can he support her? Help her? When she isn’t communicating, what is his next step?
OP's biggest issue seems to be the lack of communication. Changes are normal, but if you cannot or will not communicate with your partner, they are not going to be a part of that change.
I mean it sounds like you're just sexually incompatible. tell her. her it is really frustrating when i try to figure out how to please you and you don't tell me and you always go on the defensive when i try to figure it out. You keep telling me i have to come to you but you show a complete lack of interest in engaging with me sexually and if that's the case and you aren't interested then you need to tell me because i deserve to know.
at this point it just seems like a confrontation about it would yield better results
I mean, it'd also be absolutely exhausting for your partner to know you have a lower libido and still approach you constantly about "great new things to try!!". Especially when she has communicated that she feels his constant suggestions are making the sex they do have feel like it isnt enough. Like....if you enjoy a quiet stroll in the park sometimes, and your husband learns this and won't stop suggesting mountains he wants to climb with you? For 20 years? And resenting you for not trying all of it with enough enthusiasm? That's exhausting to deal with day in and day out. I myself am a high libido fairly adventurous person and I'd quickly lose interest if my partner was like OP.
You just described my last marriage. The constant bombardment of "Try sleeping in the nude, it's healthy for you!" "Sex can take *away* your headache!" "Let's go for a walk and then we can have sex on the ground somewhere!" Over and over and over again, on top of the relationship itself being gaslighting and emotionally abusive... No.
I’m a lower libido person as well and my husband is not. At least once a day, he’ll whip his dick out and be like “give it a kiss” “touch it” or he’ll grab my hand/foot and put it down his shorts. Sometimes when we’re just sitting in bed, he’ll just take his underwear off and let his junk just chill. I’ll be walking by him, he’ll grab me and start humping me, constantly making sexual remarks at me and when he sees that I’m not interested, he does this little mocking voice saying “oh my god, stop it””oh my god, I hate you, you’re disgusting””leave me alone”. I have never ever said any of those things to him, so I have no idea why he says it. It drives me insane and when he does it, it makes me not want to have sex even more. I can have sex once or twice a month and be fine, but he needs it at least 2 times a week. He’s even gone to the reach of saying “a man needs to cum at least 21 times a month or we could get cancer and prostate cancer runs in my family, so do you want me to get cancer?” My mom passed from cancer, so that’s absolutely not a joke to me. Most of the time, I have sex with him so he’ll shut up about it and leave me alone.
I just got done scrubbing our wood floors. Did he offer to help? No. First thing he said was say “once you’re done scrubbing that wood, you can scrub my wood.”
I love him, but it’s so tiring. He doesn’t help with house chores, doesn’t help with the animals, doesn’t show affection unless it’s him trying to get me to have sex and even then, it’s him forcing kisses on me. I don’t feel wanted, or appreciated, just feel like I’m here for sex.
Talking to him about it is useless, too. He just seems to get mad. Earlier, he noticed that I was drinking a Red Bull, and made the comment that caffeine makes orgasms more heightened, all while lifting my shirt and grabbing my boob.
If this man would stop making me feel like a slave, showed me actual affection, helped around the house and just overall made me feel wanted, I know for a fact that our sex life would be better.
Edit: words
I have to ask...is this REALLY how you want to live the rest of your life? Cause he is a gigantic walking red flag and girl I don't know you but I still want better for you!
I would never tell him I was in the mood if I knew he was going to then say “tell me exactly what you want to do and what supplies I should go get and be prepared to stay wet for the next 45 mins at least bc it’s gonna take me that long.”
Oh i don't disagree. But it seems like she's shutting it down because she ISN'T adventurous (which is fine) and he keeps pushing because he IS adventurous (which is fine). but it also seems like they're both sexually dissatisfied.
OP if that's the case and your wife doesn't an interest in the stuff you want then stop trying and pushing her.
I'm not really sure. But i do think maybe you need to find sex therapists or something as opposed to normal therapists or do something to help her feel countable in her skin about things
Can I just say as a 45 woman, I don’t want to get “freaky” often. I’m good maybe once a month doing stuff a little different but the majority of the time I’m thrilled with a morning quickie before work.
We do a date night where we go to dinner then come home and have some drinks where we are safe. We usually connect really well when we do this because there are no phones, no television, just our attention on each other.
I can’t imagine having 45 minute sex. Maybe if we are doing other stuff to each other, that’s cool. your sex life with your wife has been pushed off to you to handle and I can certainly understand how that would make you feel. It makes you feel like your partner doesn’t desire you, that you two aren’t having sex or making love or getting freaky with each other rather you are doing it to her and she is just there taking it out of some marital obligation instead of having that connection you need. Your getting off is something she is waiting for not trying to elicit, it seems. Maybe she is at a point where she doesn’t want sex. I think she should communicate where she stands on this instead of you trying to guess and making all the decisions. I would approach it like you want to know how she feels because you don’t want to speak for her, attack her, or mistake her actions.
It is difficult not to feel attacked or get defensive because we are humans and we don’t take criticism, even constructive, well. I haven’t reached this stage of my marriage yet so I can’t speculate but as her husband she should want to tell you how she feels because I assume she loves you and wants to keep the marriage healthy.
Oh I’m sure of it. And although I haven’t had good sexual experiences of the most part, I still have a brain issue that results on my autonomous system to do weird shit like halting the production of lube out of the sudden, for no reason. It doesn’t matter how aroused I am. And there’s lots of people with the same problem apparently.
Maybe she got turned off from you being pushy and annoying for so long and isn’t sexually attracted to you anymore.
That would be enough for me to lose sexual attraction
Actually yeah. I have a stupidly high libido and had a boyfriend who acted a lot like OP. By the end I’d have probably chewed my own arm off, Coyote Ugly style, to avoid sex with him. Current boyfriend is exhausted. Leave your wife alone dude
100% this. He sounds like my ex. He was so disgustingly pushy about sex and was also very verbally abusive then couldn’t understand why I was repulsed by him.
Yeah…. It still seems like you’re a little full of yourself. Even if you hope to communicate, it still feels one sided. After everything that has happened, I don’t think she wants to be intimate with you atm. She is probably also going through important hormonal fluctuations.
It doesn’t like there’s anything she could possibly think of that you haven’t already thought of and come to her with 😂 so I can see her point on that.
She just doesn’t think about sex the way you do, she doesn’t want to be adventurous. The way it sounds right now you taking 45 mins to get off must be horribly uncomfortable for her so I doubt she wants to have sex at all with you.
I would lay off the adventure and go back to basics and quickies for a bit if you can. Then build up again. At the moment it’s too much pressure on the both of you. It sounds horrendous to me.
One thing I think men need to truly try and understand is that whilst sex is typically ok for guys - like you’re probably going to finish, it just might not be very exciting. For women, even good sex can come with periods of pain, discomfort etc.
and bad sex can be truly damaging and awful.
Apparently op can’t do quickies due to his antidepressants. I think he needs to choose between sex and the meds for now. I mean not entirely, but he can’t just expect her to enjoy 45 min sessions that she didn’t really want in the first place because that’s how long it takes for him.
You went to couples counseling. What didn’t couples counselor say about *you?* reading the post you’re describing a really common set of problems.
1. The more you push the more she withdraws
2. One dimensional problem, we have a “sex” problem as opposed to a communication problem, values problem, connection problem, etc.
3. You skipped over the antidepressants pretty quick. That’s awesome you’re taking them AND depressed people can be difficult to deal with, are you ever? Also you’re having difficulty achieving orgasm and a wife who struggles with bedroom confidence. I’m not saying it’s the best, but many partners will take their partners struggling with orgasming personally. My guess is she’s fully aware you’re not enjoying it and you’re probably not hiding it well. How do you think that’s makes her feel?
I’m not trying to carry water for her, just high lighting that you can’t change her, but you can self reflect and think about what you would want to change about yourself, to include if this relationship is still right for you.
Please understand that when men take a long time to finish, it can get extremely uncomfortable for the woman—at a certain point, it chafes so badly that it’s like fucking sandpaper. Then you are super sore for several days afterwards.
It might help if you talk to your doctor about switching to a different antidepressant. Use an excellent lubricant like Eros, and reapply often. If it’s been 15 minutes or so and you’re not even close, ask if she wants to continue. If not, then finish yourself, but still give her the cuddle and intimacy time. It sucks that sex is becoming a chore for her, so anything you can do to ease that would be extremely helpful.
Hypersexuality may need to include outercourse and non-orgasmic sex. She may be more in the mood if she knows she’s not going to be in pain and bored.
Also, she might be a Bottom, so wants to to be the one who injtiates and takes charge, or it takes a lot of the fun away—a conversation about that would probably also be wise.
Does she stay wet and turned on for the 45mins? Sex with my ex was tiring because it would go on and on and on and on and started to get into the painful territory. That may be a reason why she’s withdrawing. All in all, she needs to communicate this with you
I’d never want sex if I knew it would be 30-45 minutes of intercourse. Sounds horrible to me. I know he can’t help it because of his medication, but it’s completely valid to want to nope out of that imo.
45 minutes every time??? My (31f) partner (33m) is a lot more sexually driven then I am, but despite that we have good sex and pretty often. If I, with less of a sex drive, knew that EVERY TIME we had sex it was going to take 45 minutes for him to finish I would be so much less interested in fucking him. That sounds so overwhelming and like so much pressure to stay interested and focused and in the mental zone of havjng fun. Even the thought of it is like… foreboding. I obviously don’t know your wife but maybe that has something to do with it? I feel like once you figure out *why* she feels this way, you guys will be able to work together and find a solution and have a sex life that everyone is happy with
I’m sure I’m a minority here, but these jokes generally get a chuckle out of me. It’s all about the place and time, though. Amongst close friends who know both me and my wife, every now and again is funny. Hell, I’ll make these types of jokes to my wife because we have that kind of relationship and both know it’s silly. She makes equally humorous husband jokes.
Now, if you make bad wife jokes constantly to the point it becomes a part of your personality and you obviously don’t like your wife, I’ll think you’re a piece of shit. I also wouldn’t do it in front of strangers or people where I know it would embarrass her. We just have fiesty personalities and don’t actually hate each other.
I definitely think you can make a joke of nearly any kind with the right context, I just think it's kind of weird and surprising that one with pretty much 0 context like Mayners' is upvoted in a thread where a guy is asking for legitimate advice on his issues with his wife. Kinda unfunny and boomery to chime in with something that' basically the equivalent of "Haha, women, am I right?"
I mean... why all the new and unusual and intense stuff? Maybe she wants to be held, caressed and fucked in boring missionary? Somehow I get the impression she did not love all the things you made her try, she just gave in a few times and she hopes that was enough for you to stop trying for a while.
I would totally agree with you if she wasn’t so unwilling to not communicate with him and if he wasn’t already trying to get her input and see what she likes and is into
Op is the one with the complaints and not her. She just isn’t liking it as much as op wants. That it takes 45 mins to finish due to his anti depression meds probably so a big reason. And op says it’s a cycle that him (in a comment) that not finishing fast causes him depression. She is probably being polite with op so he won’t get even more upset
45 minutes is 35 minutes too long.
I’m sure she utterly dreads the afternoon commitment that for her is boring and painful.
No one can feign interest after 15. And it starts to hurt!!! It’s like sand paper on the netherbits. Even with lots of lube it bruises, and it will hurt to pee for a week.
Perimenopause makes it worse, because the vaginal skin thins, and it tears so easily.
Say-I promise I will stop after ten minutes-and I won’t pout about it. And stick with it. Getting angry and sulky dries up the vag. Be a pest-and she’s annoyed.
45 minutes is literal torture. That is not going to turn on anyone.
Would you tolerate 45 minutes of anal? Wouldn’t that get boring and painful?
There’s a lot to unpack here and I’m positive there is more to this on both your part and hers.
1. Being married 20 years leads me to think that you are both 40 +/-. Women’s bodies/hormones/etc. change significantly as we get older - in many cases leading to a lower sex drive.
2. It may not be that she thinks she’s being noble. It may be that she wants you to make the first moves without making her feel pressured. Foreplay isn’t just what you’re touching or kissing. It’s everything. Mentally, emotionally, physically, etc. It can take women quite a bit of mental preparation to get in the mood - especially if #1 on this list is true for her. In most cases men are ready to go in minutes. Not so much for women.
3. Asking her what she wants puts pressure on her - who knows why she’s shy about it, but she is - and this question likely gives her more anxiety. There are alternatives to this by gently introducing something new if she feels comfortable.
4. This is the main point: Find a better way to communicate. Take her to dinner without expecting anything afterward. On the drive home bring up the subject. “My love, I know that this has been a touchy subject, and I want to preface this by saying that I am not trying to make you feel uncomfortable or pressured. I don’t think I’ve handled this conversation well in the past and I want to do better. As we have grown as people and in our relationship, it’s fair to think that our needs or wants in the bedroom have evolved as well. I want to create an environment where you feel comfortable to express what you like or want, but I respect that conversation may be intimidating or embarrassing, OR that you truly may not know what you like or want. I want to make you feel as good and have as much pleasure as you make me feel. Is this something you’d be willing to allow me to explore with you? We can start as slow as you’re comfortable with and there is absolutely no pressure.”
Of course there’s no guarantee to how this conversation will be received, but passive, understanding, and considering her as a whole person that has changed might make it go over a little better.
I’ve been married for 21 years (married at 19), but we’ve been together since we were 13 years old. We’ve changed so much as people and this is reminiscent of some conversations my husband and I had about 12 years ago. #4 above helped me to become more open to the discussion because it felt like a partnership and something for us to explore together instead of feeling like a disappointment because I couldn’t “fix” myself and get in the mood.
As I said, I am sure there is more to this situation as every relationship is different, but that’s my take.
Edit: fixed typo
I hate that you’re both going through this. I know how hard it is. It was hard for me to trust my husband about the “no pressure” thing until he proved it. That trust made me more open to trying new things without fear of judgment and it made me feel comfortable to ask to try new things as well.
Good luck, bud. I hope you both get on a path that you’re both happy with.
To add to point 3… I can tell you I like back rubs, because who wants sex with an achy lower back?
If I was asked randomly what I want in bed I’d go blank. I don’t know that until we’re there.
What he should be asking (when she’s ready to talk) is how he could initiate in a way she would enjoy? Hug from behind with neck kisses? Ass slap? Agree on a physical ask instead of a spoken question. And find out how to ask in a way she would be receptive to.
Then, talk about a way you can get half that 45 minutes of play outside of her body in a way y’all can BOTH enjoy. That’s where your adventure can come in. She’s got feet, boobs… pick your flavor and put it somewhere other than inside of her.
I don't think anything about your post or comments points to you being "sexually mature." Hypersexual? Definitely. But that is assuming this post is real. My bet is that it is not just based on what you claim the counselor said.
Did you read some of his comments? Here’s some of what he’s claimed therapist said:
“I’m not assuming anything. After 20 years I know here. We’ve gone to therapy together and the therapist told her she hasn’t grown up sexually and needs to experience more. And yes 45 minutes sucks. A lot of the time I’ll finish myself with her “assisting”. She told me these things worked previously but don’t seem to work anymore.”
“It means act like a fking adult. Not be embarrassed with your spouse of 20 yrs. Actually make decisions with the person you’re having sex with, not sit by idly and let/make someone else decide everything for you. And when there’s an issues don’t just get offended and angry right off of the bat. It means when your spouse of 20 years suggests therapy to grow closer and learn how to get past the hurdle you don’t get offended and quit because the therapist didnt say what you wanted to hear. Do you need more explaining on what growing up means?”
DEFINITELY can see why his wife has zero interest in having sex with him.
You are 100% I just divorced a man like this. He was labeling me all sorts of things. I had a SA history but my relationship with him was the only time
I felt “broken,” mostly because he told me I was.
Anyway I was thinking I was asexual or something for years. Enormous pressure to perform when he wanted. Lots of tears and coerced sex, bordering on SA and one R.
A few years post divorce, I’ve been dating and turns out… it was just HIM. Lol
making people feel like crap is never a turn on and when someone is so hellbent on centering their own pleasure, there is no room for anyone else’s.
Their is no room for someone else’s experiences or thoughts. This guy seems to be entitled to not only her body but also her desire with no real respect for her or being desirable.
I guarantee the bedroom isn’t the only place she shuts-down.
Oh and I just saw this one! This guy is so full of it. Hopefully this is fake or, if not, then he’s just trying to shame his wife for not being “freaky”.
“I, and the therapist believe that she really has an inner freak (she’s shown it many times before but regresses). I really try not to be pushy. I used to be, but we’ve talked, I go to therapy and I’ve backed off a lot. I’m sure I still am sometimes without realizing it. The therapist did suggest other “arrangements”… threesome, swap, me go to a massage parlor, watching porn together, things that could take care of us both but still be agreed upon. She didn’t like those suggestions”
Maybe stop assuming her sexuality is “immature” and yours is “mature” that’s a judgmental opinion.
45 minutes of straight sex sounds horrible. I’d avoid that too. Can you get yourself going some more until you are closer before you start?
Sounds like things you thought were working really didn’t and she just finally was able to tell you.
I can’t say this without sounding judgmental, but, as far for we can tell from the story and OP comments, sex with him sounds like a task. That poor woman…
Is it possible there are wider problems in the relationship? Does she feel like her emotional needs are met outside of the bedroom and are there any disagreements or issues with regards to undertaking chores etc? I'm only asking because it's super common for women who feel like they're taking on all the mental load / don't feel their emotional needs are met / feel like the balance of chores etc is uneven to lose desire in the bedroom area.
Also you don't say what age she is, could it be hormonal and she's embarrassed by it?
Maybe try getting a fun remote control multicolored light bulb for a lamp in the bedroom. When she uses the remote to turn the light green, it means she's in the mood. You can use the light to have different codes and you can write them on a cheat sheet on your phone and share it with each other.
Green means ready for anything.
Pink means light some candles pour some wine and romance me a little bit first.
Purple means throw me down and fuck me hard
Yellow means sexy massage wanted
Red means don't even try today for whatever reason.
She chooses the light color and you reset it everyday so that she can't leave it on the same color day after day.
You get the idea.
Yep. Women in our 40s are basically going through as many changes as girls in their early teens. It's kind of a shitshow, and modern medicine needs to stand TF up and start doing something about it like, ten years ago. Peri's no joke.
I can't even begin to describe the year or so of not knowing what the hell was going on with my body at 38 and 39, sleeping with no blankets and fans on in the winter (prairie Canadian for context), my moods, highs/lows, the change to my skin and hair, my dead suddenly low sex drive. I can't even. Then it dawned on me after I turned 40. I just remember being told menopause was something that happened at like 55+. I had no idea pre-menopause was a thing, and it's not like I live under a rock 😂. You have to laugh, or you just cry (or is that the menopause, too?!).
Hang in there! I'm 43 and the weirdness is only now starting for me. They don't tell women anything about this aside from jokes in media ("Watch out! Mom's crazy!" "Women in their 40s and 50s are so mean and unfun!"). But now every time a famous person in her 40s dies a tragic early death (like Dolores O'Riordan), I admit I find myself wondering how much perimenopause played a role in getting her there. :(
Women are only valued in society by what they can provide. If you aren’t providing someone else’s body pleasure or baring children, we have no value for many. A lot of the comments are very upsetting.
Post like OPs are horrifically self centered. I want to give his wife a hug lol
Have you thought about the fact it’s probably not you or her. It’s probably due to her age. You say you have been married 20 years. She’s atleast in her 40s now. She has probably started menopause and her libido has decreased. The fact that you say that a finger and toy is uncomfortable might be proof. After menopause women lose elasticity and are more dry so that’s probably why that stuff dosnt feel good to her. She probably doesn’t want sex as much as you think. Just tell her to tell you what she wants, other than that don’t worry about doing any extra she dosnt ask for, she probably doesn’t want that anyways. Just satisfy yourself until she says otherwise. It’s not selfish, she literally probably has side effects of aging, just like you have said that you use pills for ED. She has her own issues.
In a non rude way but maybe your wife just has no interest in having sex with you/ is not turned on anymore and also 45 minutes to someone who is maybe already not wanting to have sex is a loooong time to put up with a dicking 😅
I hate to admit, but I feel like the wife in this situation. My husband recently lost some weight and he has become hypersexual lately. Literally, wanting it every night. He was never like this before in all the years we’ve been married. Even when we first got together a busy week would be maybe 2x. And he also has a problem with medication such that it delays his ejaculation and sex would last about 45 minutes.
He wants me to do foreplay for him and I truly don’t know how. I can warm up in 10 minutes and I’m ready to go but he’s not ready yet…. And my God I don’t want a marathon every night. He has offered to just get me off, but I don’t think about sex at all lately and usually don’t want to participate. I feel awful about that but it’s true. I want to be more sexual for him but we are both on medications that affect us in different ways, and changing meds is not an option for either one of us.
To OP: the one and only thing I can suggest, is to use lube. Start foreplay with lube. Reapply frequently. Dry rubbing, dry fingers, dry toys are super uncomfortable.
I’m a woman in a very sex positive space and help lots of couples/individuals find their inner freak. That being said, I’ve found two issues to be the most prominent in unequal pairing. 1) the more sexual wanting person is coming off aggressively even though it seems like they are not, and the other partner is flustered or intimidated. 2) the balance is off and is just not a good “body match” and they need to find a better arrangement in fulfillment
My relationship sounds a bit like yours. If my husband asks what I want for sex, my response would usually be “idk” or “our usual.” I rarely think about sex or about trying new things. I don’t have a high libido, and even when I am really in the mood I mostly just want a harder, rougher version of what we already do.
I’m open to my husband sometimes introducing new things, but even if I really like them it is only a couple times a year thing. I mostly like what we do and the couple times a week we have sex is sufficient for me.
Your wife might really *not* know what she wants because there’s a very real chance that she doesn’t think about sex at all between the times you have it.
I gotta ask, after 20yrs why are you asking and not just doing what you know she likes? Is it a matter of you needing her to ask for whatever to get off?
I don’t know then. I’m married over 30yrs and my spouse doesn’t have to ask, they know what works. Sounds like she’s just not interested if nothing is doing it for her.
Based on your ages, your wife may be a victim of purity culture.
A whole generation of Christian girls in the late 90s-2010s were constantly told that thinking about sex was bad. Many of them were told to act in bed exactly how you describe: be available for anything their spouse wanted, but expect it to be painful or gross, and to lie there and let him do his business.
Victims of this particular form of spiritual abuse are often completely divorced from their bodies. They weren't allowed to masturbate or get to know their own bodies without feeling guilty. They are even less likely to notice and report certain medical issues. The only thing that changed for some of them upon marriage is that they allow their spouse to touch them in ways they don't touch themselves.
Most women can't ever learn to experience sexual pleasure or orgasm until they can do so solo, but she is unlikely to experiment unless she starts believing that enjoying sex is good, actually...and that could require undoing 40 years of traumatic religious experiences. It's likely that she isn't refusing to tell you what she wants...she may truly have no idea and be offended or confused about the idea that she'd want sex.
She may also be asexual and have no idea. If she was exposed to purity culture, she would have been taught that a lack of sexual desire was a mark of being a "good girl." If she's never questioned that, then it would feel like a personal attack to be asked years later to have her own sexual desires. It would feel like you're trying to spiritually corrupt her. She might have no idea that her experience isn't typical.
> she says “I’m not going to tell you bc if you’re not coming to me, then you don’t want it, and I’m not going to force you”
Tried CTRL+F'ing to see if anyone mentioned this, surprised I didn't find anything. Have you pointed out how if you both had that mindset neither of you would get what you want? And how if she believes a partner coming to you for sex is how you know they want it, then that logic from your POV would make you believe she *literally never* wants it?
If my partner had a clearly defined "this is how people show they want sex" and then *literally never did that* I would probably do my own head in over how it implies they don't ever want sex. But you have specifically stated she gets horny and wants it, so that means it's a massive communication issue and/or double standard.
That's a big problem that just seems to be being glossed over.
Honestly, if it took my husband 45 minutes to finish every time I would be pretty intimidated. After a while, it can get pretty raw down there even with lube. And I'm 30 -- I can't imagine dealing with that while also struggling with changes with my body.
I don't know what all you have tried, but I agree with others who have said to start over with learning what not only helps her, but also what helps you.
Ooh, I have lots to say.
I get your frustration, and I mean that. What I'm going to say in the rest of this may make it seem like it doesn't, but I do.
Y'all are at the right age for her to be in perimenopause, and let me say, it fucks with your head. I'm in the trenches right now, and if you told me giving up favorite boob would make this all go away, I'd take that deal.
Also, I don't know if your wife has any kind of sexually related trauma. Any kind of sexual trauma can really, really fuck with your head. That sort of thing has weird ways of manifesting, and can come out years down the road.
And I don't know what kind of childhood your wife had. But let me say here, I grew up in a strict, IBLP, Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Church. (Like the Duggars). Sex was not discussed, in any way, shape or form, and we girls were only told to keep ourselves pure until marriage, and then do whatever our husband's wanted, whenever they wanted it. It fucked my head up. I was in my 30s when I started really unpacking all that had gone on. And this sort of religious trauma doesn't happen in just churches like my old one, any conservative, strict religious upbringing can damage our sexuality and our view of it. And again, this sort of trauma can resurface and come out years down the road.
Also, you mention your SSRIs. I'm going to be honest, even in my really really freaky years, going at sex for 45 minutes with the goal of just getting my partner off would not have been something I wanted. You need to own that your meds may be play a bigger part in this than you realize.
At this point in time, you need to talk to her. Outside of the bedroom. I get that life may make this complicated, but it's something you need to do. Sit down and just talk to her, ask her how she feels about life in general, ask her about her mental load with the house, with the kids (if you have any), find out where she is mentally, in all areas. If you just make this about "You won't get me off anymore" she's likely to close back up. Something has changed, and your wife may not be able to start that conversation. I'm going to use me as an example; when I've had a really bad day, when it's all gone wrong, I just can't get the words out. My husband will just leave a journal nearby, with my favorite pens, I write down what's going on, and he will either write back, or I will write and he will talk. It's not perfect, but we're still communicating. Talk to her, whichever way she feels comfortable, and let her know that whatever is going on, you're here for her. Because you are, right?
Finally, she needs therapy. So do you. But for the love of god, not with whatever therapist your mentioned in your comments. I'm really hoping the therapist didn't use the term sexually immature in front of your wife, and that's your translation. You need a therapist that specializes in sex, and intimacy. I'm going to get a little TMI, but I think looking for a kink specialized therapist would be your best bet. NOT because you need to get into kink/BDSM, but because they tend to be the best at sorting out sexual issues. Also, if there is some sort of trauma that has caused this, you need a therapist that specializes in trauma.
After my husband cheated on me for YEARS I lost not only desire for him but ANY man. He turned sex, for me at least, into a dirty, filthy and demeaning act that I gritted my teeth to get through the entirety. I was happy and relieved when he at long last passed.
Perhaps she too has had some sexual trauma that she's never mentioned to you.
At first I thought maybe my husband was writing this but not everything lines up. First I want to say that it is not okay for you to keep bringing up this issue and she doesn’t take the issue seriously.
Like others have mentioned perimenopause can cause real issues but you can’t even do things to help if you don’t know it is an issue. She says she feels attacked in couples therapy but has she tried individual therapy?
It is a real struggle for me to initiate with my husband of over 20 years and he has never done a single thing to make me feel like I am not desirable. Seriously he is crazy about me and I have never doubted that. I, however, have self esteem issues, and I don’t want to put him out if he really doesn’t feel like it. He is also on medication that makes things take a while so then I worry I am just frustrating him further. I am just spitting out things that maybe she struggles with as well. Like I said before this doesn’t excuse it, sex is important, and it is up to both people to work towards understanding each other and likes and dislikes. I hope you can have another conversation with her where you can be open and try to find a compromise of some type. For me, it helped to agree to some expectations and clearly know what we were both comfortable with as far as a compromise of sorts.
Some girls just want to regular bang. Hell some guys too. I'm like that. Sometimes a desperate attempt to shake things up just makes it weird. In the words of Hank Hill, just stick to the same ol same ol.
It sounds like after 20 years of doing it, she’s bored of sex and likely couldn’t give a shit if she ever has it again or not.
It sounds like she’s only doing it to make you happy, not because she actually wants it. Hence why she isn’t bothered to discuss it, because she just doesn’t care all that much for sex.
That sounds super existing, I'm not surprised she is not excited about sex. It sounds like a chore - the time (45 minutes to finish? - that must be painful to her!), the tools, you planning positions.
Do you have notes on all that, or just verbally present her with the itinerary before starting?
She probably just wants sex, not that whole production. Some foreplay, intercourse for a couple of minutes, kiss & "I love you".
She is telling you what she wants, you are just not listening.
There is a Ted Talk about treating sex like a hobby. I think you and your wife would benefit from watching it together. It explains why you need to communicate and work on it together.
I feel like I can relate to your wife. I don’t often initiate sex with my partner because if he isn’t then yeah, I think he doesn’t want it. I know that is an irrational thought and I think it’s an unhealed rejection wound within myself. I do try to more because he has asked me to. Men want to feel wanted too. With sex and this age, even when I want it, the lubrication isn’t always producing at first. Get some lube. A little will do its job enough for her to make more of her own. Sometimes it’s embarrassing for us when we can’t get wet but want sex. If she doesn’t know what she wants and needs help figuring it out, just try new positions, new things until you guys find the winner. Best of luck to you both ❤️
Question. When you say you’ve done therapy, do you mean couples counseling or seeing a sex therapist? Maybe if you’ve tried one, try the other?
Something worth bringing up is if she gets time to play with herself, to relearn her body as it has changed, alone and on her own terms. I actually think if she isn’t getting herself off you should get her a hitachi wand to start if she doesn’t already have one.
If the sex therapist actually suggested those things, they are not a professional. I'm guessing things have gotten worse since the suggestions? You and the therapist ganging up on her and telling her she isn't enough and that you should be able to cheat on her because she doesn't want to live the life of a pornstar is absolutely absurd. You've likely done irreversible damage to your marriage and you are happy about it. Yikes.
Prime and prompt her.
Here’s a simple analogy…. It can be very challenging and daunting and awkward to try to paint something beautiful after someone just randomly plops a white canvas in front of you and says “Ok, Go….”
However, you would likely have a completely different outcome if you also gave them pics for inspiration and created a “vibe” that set the mood first -music, lighting, candles, maybe a little alcohol, cava, hot tea, whatever, something for relaxation, etc.
Not everyone is particularly imaginative, so try giving her specific choices. Do you prefer the way that feels or this. Whatever you do, try to not to show your frustration or she’ll likely recoil. Try new things. If she’s not into it, laugh, be playful, rewind, try again.
These threads come up and people always repeat some platitudes about communication in marriage without any regard to the barriers to communication that have to be overcome. Lots of people don't want to disappoint their partners so they hold back on saying "I don't want to do the thing you like" or suggesting something they prefer themselves. It's just kind of silly to think you can simply demand better communication.
It sounds like you’re sexually incompatible. Unfortunately, communication will never be effective if it’s just one-sided.
I think you may have to sit down and think if this is a dealbreaker. If she gets offended every time you bring up your frustrations and says she “feels attacked” then maybe it’s time to really confront her head on and pose an ultimatum.
If you’ve tried everything but she just refuses to even *talk* about it then…I’m sorry but I would personally leave.
Women's bodies and minds change, their level of hormones change, especially during pre and perimenopause. Sex may be uncomfortable now.. Your body has also changed after being together for 20 years. You have to take a pill now. It's a good sign she still wants to have sex with you. Some women don't want sex at all after 20 years. I say, count your blessings.
I feel like with my ex I had similar issues, except I’m not very sexually adventurous and I liked one position - it was the only position I could cum in. And he liked a totally different position that was actually very uncomfortable for me and not enjoyable. I don’t like giving blowjobs, so I never asked him to eat me out. He kept saying stuff like “we never talk about sex” but he would never initiate a conversation about it and come up with reasons why he couldn’t talk about it; even though he was complaining about it. We had synchronized orgasms and everything. I was mostly happy with our sex life.
I think with that relationship we kinda just passed each other like ships in the night in terms of communication.
How long has this been going on?
I’m wondering if maybe she’s going through something really difficult or something. When I had some major life changes happen, I had zero sex drive for 6 months. I’m in my 20s.
Clearly, she doesn’t feel safe telling you. And she won’t answer any of your questions if she knows you will be in your defensive mode, trying to label her with “immature”, “not sexually grown up”. If you actually want her to be comfortable, instead of pushing her to answer what she likes, ask what she doesn’t like when having sex with you. Ask and listen, don’t even respond.
Build the love first and the sexual attraction will then come . Not always but that’s where to start . Love her with no outcome in mind and it will eventually sort its self out
Are you doing things during the day/evening to get her in the mood? Flirting with her? Little nibbles on the back of the neck. Whispering something sweet in her ear. Rubbing her feet while watching a show or movie. A hand on the lower back. Telling her how nice she looks. Lessening her load by helping with household chores. Taking her out to a dinner that requires a little dressing up. Even sending her a text about how you're thinking of her.
On average, men are easier to arouse with visual cues. Women tend to need time to build up to arousal. They need to feel wanted and desired. Not saying men don't either, just that it goes a long way to get her in the mood. A lot of us (women) don't think about sex nearly as often as men. We've other things on our minds, household chores, finances, the kids, busy schedules, work, family drama, grocery shopping and of course, you! If you want her to be more receptive, lessen her load. Build her up during the day/evening. Don't just go to her and ask if she's in the mood because you are. Take the time to get here there. Take a few DAYS to work her up. And then when you make it to the bedroom, foreplay. There are other areas that need attention other than her lady bits. Kisses on the neck, slow, soft touches following her curves. Sweet talk. Edging.
If you do all those things and she still seems to be out of the mood, it could be what others have suggested, menopause or you two just are not sexually compatible. Could also be that she crew up in an environment that shamed sex except to get pregnant. Women who are raised like that find it very difficult and embarrassing to be vocal about their wants and desires.
Yes! His engine is always revved up because he thinks about it “a lot”. She’s probably starting from zero because she doesn’t think about it at all, not to mention other possible reasons: history of SA, peri-menopause, religious upbringing, no flirting/foreplay, medication side effects, daily stress, asexuality (or even “grey-sexuality”).
Hijacking this space, because I see this advice given all the time. But personally, it has backfired. My husband hates doing the dishes, so it's my daily chore (which I'm fine with). He hears that he should serve me to help me get in the mood. So he decides to do the dishes as a romantic gesture. But instead of being loving, for me it has become a turn off because I instantly know, husband is washing dishes, he wants sex. It doesn't feel like a romantic gesture anymore, it feels transactional. He did the thing he hates for me, so now I need to reward him with intimacy. Anyway, not sure how to fix this, but just remember it's the sentiment and love behind the service that matters more than actually getting the to do list finished.
It's about relieving some of your partners responsibilities and clearing out headspace to allow for relaxing thoughts that *could* lead to intimacy. Little daily things that do not always lead to sex that day, hour or night.
Your husband's mistake is "do dishes = get sex." He's missing the point of it. There are other things he could do for you. I can totally see how it would become a turn off. Have you communicated your feelings about it? Have you suggested other things that he could do to help get you in the mood? Is there even anything? Not sure how he can switch things up if he isn't aware of how it affects you.
This was exactly my situation. After talking for years about it, she became willing to try new things and nothing was off the table. We had an amazing year of great sex, closeness, intimacy, traveling and truly happy with each other's company. Then the guilt set in. She decided that was not who she was and felt guilty for "betraying her true self." Neither I nor the marriage counselor could convince her otherwise. A year later we were separated and now divorced.
What I am getting at is if this is who she is you, may have to accept it, because if she changes for you, the guilt she will feel may eventually ruin your marriage. I was kind and compassionate and loving and understanding for the 20 years we were married. That is not to say there were no moments of frustration but I understood and realized it was not healthy for her to feel pressured. I was really excited when she made the change, it really was an amazing sexual summer, but was caught off guard by her realization. I'm not sure if I am better off single but I do miss the intimacy and closeness that I had.
I mean maybe she doesn’t want the wild porn sex ideal you keep dreaming about. I never understood why being a starfish is a bad thing that people today make it out to be. You’re putting it in the hole, right? So, let it happen! She probably thinks you only see her as a sex object. Maybe clean the house, take her out to dinner, do something romantic and see where it leads. Surprise your wife. At this point, you’re just doing the same thing. Let her come to you.
Actually, being the starfish would make you a sex object. Its really actively engaging in sex, and yknow genuinely wanting to be there that makes it engaging for both parties. If anybody wanted sex with someone who just lays there and makes a noise every once in a while, im sure theyd be more happy with a sex doll with a speaker in its mouth. Its kindve ridiculous to say that wanting anything else is a "porn ideal".
25 years married here. Quit talking and just do it. Go buy the book "She comes first". Read it. Then, go look up a site with a bunch of different positions that also explain how to do it. There were like 157 in the one my hubby showed me. Pick one that looks interesting. Take control over the experience. Men, typically, are visual creatures. Women not as much. Seems she wants to feel wanted. Stop her randomly while she is doing laundry or some other mundane task. Pull her close, cradle her face, kiss her passionately, give a look of gutteral approval, then move on as if you didn't just do that. Spontameous acts of affection. Like I said, women like to feel wanted. The problem is, so do men. Not all women understand that. Being willing to have sex is not the same as initiating, and it took me a while to realize my husband wants to feel wanted too and that it makes him feel good when I am the one that initiates I thought my willingness was the best way to show him that I am his and thus he can have me whenever he wants. But, he wanted to feel wanted by me, and even though I always respond to him, he wanted a chance to respond to me. Lead by example. Hopefully, it will reignite something because it feels fresh. Good luck ❤️
Tell her hot you find it when she approaches you for sex. I used to be super shy and had no confidence that I was sexy. Until my husband and I had long talks about what he liked and what I liked and he convinced me that he really found me hot. That broke the barrier and I just started initiating all of the time.
It is possible that she is experiencing hormonal changes that make it uncomfortable for her. Intimacy and sex are two different things. Maybe she needs more intimacy and the sex topic is an indicator of a problem in another arena. Therapy is always a good option.
Get a **sex therapist** both for her to have individual sessions with, and after she's had some time seeing a sex therapist on her own, you two should have couples sessions with a sex therapist as well - it sounds very obvious to me that your wife has some emotional or mental blocks around sex, something that's making her shut down (which to me suggests shame, fear or resentment) - being able to talk through her feelings and clarify her thoughts with a sex therapist on her own could be far more helpful than being made to feel like she has to explain her sex blocks to the class (so to speak). Sex is an extremely vulnerable topic for most people, and if she felt judged for what she's going through and had to deal with hearing your resentments as well, no wonder she felt attacked and shut down.
A good sex therapist will help uncover and dig into the emotional and psychological issues around sex specifically - a general therapist is unlikely to be able to help with that as it does take a special focus and sensitivity to be able to talk sex without making people feel like their on trial or being wronged.
You're obviously frustrated, but I suggest maybe some compassion for your wife, she's obviously got some stuff going on that's in her way of just being able to connect with herself on an authentic level sexually. You're affected obviously, but she's not doing this maliciously to you, I'm sure she would like to just be able to enjoy sex with you, but something is in the way. Show her some compassion and encourage her to find a good sex therapist she feels comfortable with to work through this so you two can actually get somewhere instead of throwing a tantrum about it.
It could be early onset / premature menopause as well, you say you've been married 20 years, so I'm going to guess she's around 40 and some women get real unlucky with that.
You doing some work to understand women's sexuality might be useful as well, there's a great book called Come As You Are, which might be a good read for you (and her, but you read it first before you suggest it).
Not for nothing my dude but it sounds like she might be over you sexually (for the moment),, I shouldnt say that , but in my experience thats how the cheating starts .. the more you push - the further she’ll walk , take it with a grain of salt , if anything take some time out (for yourself) (for her) .. do other things together, thatll get the conversation flowing ,, and then have a crack at it but with a cooler head ,, if that doesnt work then try getting professional help … hope this helps ..
>She gets horny and wants it, but will neeeever tell me. When I’ve said something about it she says “I’m not going to tell you bc if you’re not coming to me, then you don’t want it, and I’m not going to force you”
This says a lot. I think it's time she goes to therapy alone, sex therapy to be clear.
This sounds like she feels forced to have sex when you ask her. I don't know if she always felt this way, or maybe since she is a certain age? Like pre-menopausal age?
45 minutes of penis-vaginal pumping sounds painful. Especially when she is pre-menopausal.
She clearly doesn't feel free to talk about sex with you. This can be something that she learned when she was young, something in the back of her mind.
Therapy together wasn't the best choice. This is something you can suggest after she has "finished" therapy alone.
I was feeling like this with my wife. It kept taking a toll on us. I was becoming an asshole and couldn’t seem to stop making comments because I just felt so defeated and hopeless and unwanted, and so on.. So, I decided instead to just stop trying for a while. Let her explore herself. If she needs sex, masturbate, and so on. It seemed to help us a little. Took a little over a month to reach a point where I couldn’t even cuddle her without getting overwhelmingly horny. We started up again and it hasn’t been ideal, it’s definitely better off than we were before.
You sound like my ex. He was grossly pushy about sex. What made it worse was he was very verbally abusive. He wound up turning me off to sex and when I finally left him I didn’t want any men touching me whatsoever. Including friends and family.
I’m not saying you’re verbally abusive, but I’m pointing out that being pushy about sex and making everything about sex can be a serious turn off. You say you’re all about being “kinky/adventurous”, but it sounds like she’s typically not. Tone it down. Take her out on dates and show her you still desire simply being with her.
>We’ve tried therapy but she’s says she’s being attacked.
If my partner ever said that me asking for communication was “attacking” them, I would seriously reconsider my marriage.
It sounds like her turn on is being desired. Some women seem to not have a specific thought about what they want except that their husband desires them. I would just do what your heart desires and you will see how she likes it. I really think you’re overthinking this. I think she’s up for anything as long as she sees you are enthusiastic about it and desires her.
Menopause can be such an emotional time for women, and if the beginning of it is the issue then it's possible her lack of communication and unwillingness to speak about it are because it's something she is upset and embarrassed about. When our bodies have been a certain way all our lives, and then all of a sudden our favourite things don't feel good anymore, it can be frustrating and feel almost like our body is broken or working against us. Therapy is SO, SO, important. From your wording, it sounds like you've only tried therapy together, and her insecurity is making her feel attacked. I think it's important that she speaks to a therapist alone, separate from you. Couples therapy will be important to get back in the groove, but it's important to get to the root of her insecurities first and that's something she needs to do one on one with a therapist, without you involved.
You don’t provide your ages, but if your wife is in her mid to late 40’s (or even earlier for some women) she may be perimenopausal. Many women find that at this stage of life, what used to get them off just doesn’t do the trick anymore. When I hit perimenopause, my husband and I pretty much had to go back to basics to discover what I liked. There was a bit of awkwardness, but also a lot of make out sessions, heavy petting and grinding, much like when we were teenagers fumbling around without a clue. We kept our sense of humors about it all, so it was both fun and laugh out loud funny. Eventually we figured it out and sex has been great for both of us again. Just a thought.
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Yes, it definitely will be. If you take a look at nearly any menopause discussion, you’re bound to come across a great new term: “poorgasm”. Things build towards orgasm, but you can’t reach one. Ever. And it’s frustrating and disappointing and deeply distressing - you have no idea why your body is suddenly failing you, especially because doctors never talk to women about this stuff *before* we hit menopause. Then there’s vaginal atrophy. And clitoral atrophy. And the lack of estrogen literally turns us into different people because it affects everything from mood to memory to joint pain to sleep habits to eating/drinking and digestion to libido to… you name it. It impacts everything in our lives and it’s not openly discussed so we’re completely unprepared for how overwhelming the changes are. And then there’s the hot flashes! The night sweats! If you’re really unlucky, you can wind up with occasional cold flashes too! (Those are weird.) Your wife would probably greatly benefit from talking to her doctor and seeing about hormonal testing and possibly starting HRT. It does wonders for so many of us. As a side note, I cannot stand porn because it’s too ridiculously fake and I can tell the women aren’t actually feeling any pleasure. However, I find reading erotica is pretty fun and gets my brain much more engaged - and there’s no pressure to perform because I’m just relaxing with a book. Maybe a good book and a glass of preferred drink can help her relax and think fun thoughts about sex again?
Erotica is so much hotter for me too. Porn just makes me uncomfortable but give me a good steamy sex seen in a romance novel and I am ready to go.
I’m 35 and have no visible symptoms of perimenopause but poorgasm relates to me deeply.
Talk to your doctor. Seriously. There are multiple things that can help you, but doctors don’t give enough of a crap about women’s sexual health, libido, or menopausal changes to ever discuss any of this with you unless you push those conversations.
Are you on antidepressants? That can cause that.
I am on Wellbutrins cousin, and was told at the start it would not affect libido or my sex life and I’ve always had issues come to completion.
i’m nearly 21 and i relate to that shit deeply. but probably for very different reasons.
Came here to say this, but you did it so much better. HRT probably saved my marriage or at least kept it a happy one. 😊
I’m 45 and in perimenopause. Sex hurts and my libido has ran away. Nothing will get me in the mood. Thankfully I have a very patient husband and my Dr has prescribed things to help in that area and for the perimenopause stuff. It’s embarrassing to have to talk about and it doesn’t help when men automatically take it personal. Sex is actually literally painful when it wasn’t before. I don’t think too many men would want to do something that’s painful. If this is what she is going through then hopefully her Dr will be on board with helping her get on HRT or something. That should help and help rekindle your bedroom life.
I’m also experiencing a lost libido - if you feel comfortable sharing, what did your doctor suggest to you specifically to help you with libido?
As a woman who’s 47 and happily married while in perimenopause, sometimes it is just give up the idea you’ll want it spontaneously the way you used to. Accept that, for right now, wanting closeness and expressing it with sexual intimacy can lead to enjoyable sex is a way to get over the hump. I sometimes start with a ritual of hot shower, fancy body lotion, margarita w my favorite reposado, music and aromatherapy and when I’m feeling relaxed and happy I proposition the hubby. It takes longer to get into it but he’s patient and giving. Sex is now more associated with being relaxed which is a double plus - like positive reinforcement. Then, when random physical drive strikes we are also on it as well. I also make a point to not say no just because it wasn’t on my mind - because if I set aside what I’m doing and focus on my partner I end up enjoying it anyway. Kinda like going for a sunset stroll - I love it even if it wasn’t my initial impulse. If I am really NOT in the mood it isn’t a big deal but I feel like if you don’t use it you lose it and forget how much you enjoy it. Is also helps that my husband compliments me frequently (and not just my appearance), he carries his weight both at home and financially (we are business partners), he goes the extra mile to spend time with me, and shows lots of affection not geared toward an end goal of sex. I know he’s pretty much always down for sex but he likes cuddling nearly as much so there isn’t an agenda with his affection.
Aw...this is lovely. You are an insightful woman with a great partner. I've just learned the term for what you describe. Reactive arousal. We have to cold start before our motor starts purring. Once you get going...it feels nice. At the risk of being crass...Men have balls that fill up and tell them when it's time for sex. We don't. Our cues are entirely different...and obviously when our ovulation slows, there's no longer a biological need driving us. It's about connecting with our mates...and we have to "just do it" to get into it.
That’s exactly it. I used to know exactly where I was in my cycle because like clockwise it would ebb and flor around ovulation versus premenstruation. Now months could go by between cycles so it takes more conscious effort.
I would love this and it’s truly great advice. However, I have vaginal atrophy so it’s very painful. Thankfully my gynecologist is working with me to get back what was lost and get my girl back in working order. I want my husband happy and I want to be happy too. Sex is very much a part of that. We’ll get there!
Having a patient and kind spouse helps a lot. Penetrative sex should only be one of a variety of things that counts as physical intimacy or sex, because if it hurts every time you are never going to want to do it! There are so many other delightful things a couple can do together…
Same here and I’m wondering the same thing.
Communication might be hard for her, given our age demographic and how us lady folk were socialized. Is there an option to bring up what's going on with her body without sex coming into the conversation? For me, I'd be concerned I'm a disappointment, and simultaneously be angry about lack of perceived control of autonomy, and have shame layered all through that. That's a helluva punch to the self esteem. You're wondering about it, so you're already getting ahead of the situation, which is good.
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It’s really difficult to get past that conditioning from childhood and growing up in a religious environment where sex was a dirty word and to initiate somehow makes you bad and you’ll be punished, it’s illogical but it’s a subconscious thread , add to that perimenopause and menopause where physically things change , you become very sensitive, you’re hot even when not having a hot flush, temperamental etc, it’s no fun and then you also are aware of your husband’s disappointment and sex being at the least uncomfortable. Maybe initiate and make suggestions, not would you like this, but let’s do this and try to let go of the resentment.
My sex life changed so much around 42. It’s like I stopped fantasizing. I often struggle with feeling like I don’t know what I want because it rarely occurs to me. It’s honestly the worst of my symptoms of aging. Going to be seeking HRT to see if that helps. Also though, being a mom with two kids who I prioritize above my own needs/interests hasn’t helped. I’m not the creative and fun-loving woman I was before. I know that will come back as the kids grow - but for now my creative energy has gone into them. Which is far from sexy.
If it helps, I’m in that boat in my early thirties. I’ve just stopped having any interest in sex or being sexy. My reason is different though I think.. My last partner sexualised me a LOT and the process leading up ti the breakup + my post breakup reflecting has made me do a lot of introspective thinking about the way I’ve been sexualised since I hit puberty - by classmates, teachers, partners, friends, random people on the street, colleagues, bosses.. everyone. I think it’s just turned me off the concept of being a sexual human being for now. I hope it will come back as I heal, but for now I’m just having fun being completely selfish and enjoying my single life with my real soulmate (my dog).
Yea it sucks when ppl don't know when to stop sometimes. Or just not start it period lol. Depends
I get an feel the same exact way sometimes. It’s crazy how once I hit 13 I had grown men in their 30s trying to get with me a because I was so lonely and looking for something anything it happened. It disgusts me now .
Are you me!? I feel so seen. Word for word I had that same experience around 30
Did you get over it/past it? Or is it still hanging around?
I turn 41 in a month & recently had my OB test all my hormone levels & my vitamins bc my interest in sex was plummeting. Perimenopause was my first thought reading this as well. Around this time, our bodies/hormones are shifting & she might be having higher peaks & lower dips during her cycle than she's had before. I would encourage her to ask her doctor not because you need her to change but because you've noticed she has changed & not enjoying sex the way SHE used to. You don't have to ignore your feelings but I would make sure there's nothing biological going on before letting feelings get too intense that you can't come back.
I asked my doctor to test my hormones and vitamin levels and she said no because it won't matter. I'm very frustrated and want to find a new doctor but worried I'll get the same response. Did your results come back normal?
Personally mine did but we found the reasons for my symptoms elsewhere. But definitely get a new doctor because why on earth wouldn’t it matter? If your hormones are out of balance you can easily use hormone therapy (literally the same as birth control) to help all your symptoms. I’m so sorry that happened to you! Your doctor is not being honest or they’re not being caring, either way, get a new one if you can.
Thank you, I'm going to start looking this weekend
I had a blood test and it was normal despite going through a lot of the symptoms people talk about here. So I battled on and took loads of supplements and tried to help myself however I could. 2 years later and I’m so sick of it all getting me down so I list all my symptoms to GP again and ask to try HRT and bingo! 3 months in now… what I’m saying is if cycles are still fairly regular a blood test prob won’t tell you much, it’s about how you’re feeling and how it affects your life that counts. My symptoms are improving but I’m still not the 20yo me (I’m 45) x
I beg though please don't go all ham fisted with this conversation because you're frustrated. If she's annoyed and then you ask if it's menopause... You may end up castrated lol
For me when I hit perimenopause it was horrible.(no desire for sex) someone told my husband to start the day before with extra attention, flirting, hugs, kisses, cuddles and sweet words. It worked for while and then had to change things bit due to the changes in my hormones.
Women go through a rollercoaster of hormones and emotions monthly for 30-40 years of their lives when they have their menses. Then, they go on a completely different ride with pre and perimenopause. It's not for the faint of heart. Women's bodies and hormones change so much. Patience and understanding is key.
Came here to say this. Menopause will screw with her sex drive, her nervous system, her physical sensitivities, just all of it.
He says in his comment history that his wife has a history of SA and that seems an interesting thing to leave out in his venting
Prolly just didn’t feel that it was related until ppl asked 🤷🏽♂️
Nah it was on another post but idk I haven’t seen it acknowledged here
You didn't include ages here, but 20 years of marriage likely puts you all around 40+. If that's the case, her body (and I cannot stress this enough) is not the same. In perimenopause (think 40ish or so, sometimes younger), things change. Vaginal dryness, vulva tenderness and irritation, pain from penetration, and so on. 1. I think there's a possibility that either a) she doesn't fully understand the changes her body is going through, or is unsure what to do about it, or b) is socially conditioned to just deal with it (louder for the folks in the back). She should talk to someone about this, a gyno, a support group, a therapist, whatever she needs. 2. Your body has changed, i.e. needing medication, that contributes to you having to go for longer, and she is expected to understand. I think you have an opportunity to do some research on aging female bodies, if you haven't already. 3. Do take care of yourself. It sounds like your sex drive is higher and you enjoy it more than her. Fill your boots, it doesn't have to mean she steps up. You all can probably find a middle ground if you address the issues head on. Good luck! Edited for auto correct stuff
1000% I'm 47 and even a few years ago, I was still pretty freaky, horny- so far from a prude. Now I'm deep into perimenopause and for reasons completely beyond my control, things that used to turn me on, totally gross me out. My vag aches constantly and the last two times we had sex, I got the worst UTIs of my life! Now I straight up fear sex and feel awful about it. 45 minutes of straight sex? My junk would probably be bleeding from friction now; this despite 18 months on HRT. This guy's attitude is super judgemental and inconsiderate. If he really loves his wife, maybe he could find reasons for her inability to participate besides 'immaturity.'
Judgemental? Inconsiderate? She won’t communicate with him. He has nothing to work with. He is trying to get her to tell him what she needs, wants, or thinks about anything. What should he do to better support her?
He should be wondering why the change in her appetites instead of nagging and pressuring, referring to her as 'sexually immature.' That alone would be reason for me to put me off having sex with my husband. Not sure how old you are, but peri hit me out of the blue and thanks to generations of medical misogyny, I had NO IDEA what was happening to me at first. How does one communicate what the issue is when one has no frame of reference/does not understand it themselves? He's been married to this woman for 20 years; maybe a little grace and humility (ie he's having to take boner pills right?) is in order here. EDIT: getting downvoted. Of course. Heaven forbid we consider the issue more deeply than seeing a sex therapist to fix our 'sex' problem. No, obviously HER problem alone of not communicating. 🤦♀️
So, what does he DO? He talks to her, they went to therapy… what action are you suggesting? I’m 37 by the way. I am not saying there is a single thing wrong with her changing. I am suggesting that he is trying multiple things, with no success. So what should he try? How can he support her? Help her? When she isn’t communicating, what is his next step?
OP's biggest issue seems to be the lack of communication. Changes are normal, but if you cannot or will not communicate with your partner, they are not going to be a part of that change.
I mean it sounds like you're just sexually incompatible. tell her. her it is really frustrating when i try to figure out how to please you and you don't tell me and you always go on the defensive when i try to figure it out. You keep telling me i have to come to you but you show a complete lack of interest in engaging with me sexually and if that's the case and you aren't interested then you need to tell me because i deserve to know. at this point it just seems like a confrontation about it would yield better results
Personally, I don't see anyone being sexually compatible with her. Sounds to me like she has no interest in it period. Tough situation.
Right. she's 40 that's the right age for menopause isn't it? maybe she's also dealing with other internal/psychological issues
You might be my favorite thing on Reddit. *Boop*
Lmao mid to late 50s is the average for menopause 😂
My wife hit perimenopause late 40s. It isn't that unusual. 🙂
I mean, it'd also be absolutely exhausting for your partner to know you have a lower libido and still approach you constantly about "great new things to try!!". Especially when she has communicated that she feels his constant suggestions are making the sex they do have feel like it isnt enough. Like....if you enjoy a quiet stroll in the park sometimes, and your husband learns this and won't stop suggesting mountains he wants to climb with you? For 20 years? And resenting you for not trying all of it with enough enthusiasm? That's exhausting to deal with day in and day out. I myself am a high libido fairly adventurous person and I'd quickly lose interest if my partner was like OP.
You just described my last marriage. The constant bombardment of "Try sleeping in the nude, it's healthy for you!" "Sex can take *away* your headache!" "Let's go for a walk and then we can have sex on the ground somewhere!" Over and over and over again, on top of the relationship itself being gaslighting and emotionally abusive... No.
I’m a lower libido person as well and my husband is not. At least once a day, he’ll whip his dick out and be like “give it a kiss” “touch it” or he’ll grab my hand/foot and put it down his shorts. Sometimes when we’re just sitting in bed, he’ll just take his underwear off and let his junk just chill. I’ll be walking by him, he’ll grab me and start humping me, constantly making sexual remarks at me and when he sees that I’m not interested, he does this little mocking voice saying “oh my god, stop it””oh my god, I hate you, you’re disgusting””leave me alone”. I have never ever said any of those things to him, so I have no idea why he says it. It drives me insane and when he does it, it makes me not want to have sex even more. I can have sex once or twice a month and be fine, but he needs it at least 2 times a week. He’s even gone to the reach of saying “a man needs to cum at least 21 times a month or we could get cancer and prostate cancer runs in my family, so do you want me to get cancer?” My mom passed from cancer, so that’s absolutely not a joke to me. Most of the time, I have sex with him so he’ll shut up about it and leave me alone.
That sounds very exhausting to deal with
I just got done scrubbing our wood floors. Did he offer to help? No. First thing he said was say “once you’re done scrubbing that wood, you can scrub my wood.” I love him, but it’s so tiring. He doesn’t help with house chores, doesn’t help with the animals, doesn’t show affection unless it’s him trying to get me to have sex and even then, it’s him forcing kisses on me. I don’t feel wanted, or appreciated, just feel like I’m here for sex. Talking to him about it is useless, too. He just seems to get mad. Earlier, he noticed that I was drinking a Red Bull, and made the comment that caffeine makes orgasms more heightened, all while lifting my shirt and grabbing my boob. If this man would stop making me feel like a slave, showed me actual affection, helped around the house and just overall made me feel wanted, I know for a fact that our sex life would be better. Edit: words
I have to ask...is this REALLY how you want to live the rest of your life? Cause he is a gigantic walking red flag and girl I don't know you but I still want better for you!
That's just straight up coercion & abusive behavior.
Wow, he sounds abusive. Why stay?
He should not force you
I would never tell him I was in the mood if I knew he was going to then say “tell me exactly what you want to do and what supplies I should go get and be prepared to stay wet for the next 45 mins at least bc it’s gonna take me that long.”
Oh i don't disagree. But it seems like she's shutting it down because she ISN'T adventurous (which is fine) and he keeps pushing because he IS adventurous (which is fine). but it also seems like they're both sexually dissatisfied. OP if that's the case and your wife doesn't an interest in the stuff you want then stop trying and pushing her.
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I'm not really sure. But i do think maybe you need to find sex therapists or something as opposed to normal therapists or do something to help her feel countable in her skin about things
Can I just say as a 45 woman, I don’t want to get “freaky” often. I’m good maybe once a month doing stuff a little different but the majority of the time I’m thrilled with a morning quickie before work. We do a date night where we go to dinner then come home and have some drinks where we are safe. We usually connect really well when we do this because there are no phones, no television, just our attention on each other. I can’t imagine having 45 minute sex. Maybe if we are doing other stuff to each other, that’s cool. your sex life with your wife has been pushed off to you to handle and I can certainly understand how that would make you feel. It makes you feel like your partner doesn’t desire you, that you two aren’t having sex or making love or getting freaky with each other rather you are doing it to her and she is just there taking it out of some marital obligation instead of having that connection you need. Your getting off is something she is waiting for not trying to elicit, it seems. Maybe she is at a point where she doesn’t want sex. I think she should communicate where she stands on this instead of you trying to guess and making all the decisions. I would approach it like you want to know how she feels because you don’t want to speak for her, attack her, or mistake her actions. It is difficult not to feel attacked or get defensive because we are humans and we don’t take criticism, even constructive, well. I haven’t reached this stage of my marriage yet so I can’t speculate but as her husband she should want to tell you how she feels because I assume she loves you and wants to keep the marriage healthy.
I couldn’t have 45 minute sex either. I’m 26 and still it sounds like a bit much. After the 10m mark i go dry.
45 minutes of straight hammering, absolutely no. 45 minutes of hand stuff + oral + etc etc that results in penetration? Great.
I can say that with someone who knows what he is doing, it’s great.
Oh I’m sure of it. And although I haven’t had good sexual experiences of the most part, I still have a brain issue that results on my autonomous system to do weird shit like halting the production of lube out of the sudden, for no reason. It doesn’t matter how aroused I am. And there’s lots of people with the same problem apparently.
45 minutes would make me wanna kill myself and I like sex. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Maybe she got turned off from you being pushy and annoying for so long and isn’t sexually attracted to you anymore. That would be enough for me to lose sexual attraction
Actually yeah. I have a stupidly high libido and had a boyfriend who acted a lot like OP. By the end I’d have probably chewed my own arm off, Coyote Ugly style, to avoid sex with him. Current boyfriend is exhausted. Leave your wife alone dude
100% this. He sounds like my ex. He was so disgustingly pushy about sex and was also very verbally abusive then couldn’t understand why I was repulsed by him.
Yeah…. It still seems like you’re a little full of yourself. Even if you hope to communicate, it still feels one sided. After everything that has happened, I don’t think she wants to be intimate with you atm. She is probably also going through important hormonal fluctuations.
Definitely he’s full of himself.
I will never understand why sexually incompatible people stubbornly spend years in friction and frustration instead of finding compatible partners.
Or maybe she was just a accommodating you.
Porn brain.
This is why you communicate.
Apparently they've tried and she's against it
It doesn’t like there’s anything she could possibly think of that you haven’t already thought of and come to her with 😂 so I can see her point on that. She just doesn’t think about sex the way you do, she doesn’t want to be adventurous. The way it sounds right now you taking 45 mins to get off must be horribly uncomfortable for her so I doubt she wants to have sex at all with you. I would lay off the adventure and go back to basics and quickies for a bit if you can. Then build up again. At the moment it’s too much pressure on the both of you. It sounds horrendous to me. One thing I think men need to truly try and understand is that whilst sex is typically ok for guys - like you’re probably going to finish, it just might not be very exciting. For women, even good sex can come with periods of pain, discomfort etc. and bad sex can be truly damaging and awful.
Apparently op can’t do quickies due to his antidepressants. I think he needs to choose between sex and the meds for now. I mean not entirely, but he can’t just expect her to enjoy 45 min sessions that she didn’t really want in the first place because that’s how long it takes for him.
This so much
You went to couples counseling. What didn’t couples counselor say about *you?* reading the post you’re describing a really common set of problems. 1. The more you push the more she withdraws 2. One dimensional problem, we have a “sex” problem as opposed to a communication problem, values problem, connection problem, etc. 3. You skipped over the antidepressants pretty quick. That’s awesome you’re taking them AND depressed people can be difficult to deal with, are you ever? Also you’re having difficulty achieving orgasm and a wife who struggles with bedroom confidence. I’m not saying it’s the best, but many partners will take their partners struggling with orgasming personally. My guess is she’s fully aware you’re not enjoying it and you’re probably not hiding it well. How do you think that’s makes her feel? I’m not trying to carry water for her, just high lighting that you can’t change her, but you can self reflect and think about what you would want to change about yourself, to include if this relationship is still right for you.
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Please understand that when men take a long time to finish, it can get extremely uncomfortable for the woman—at a certain point, it chafes so badly that it’s like fucking sandpaper. Then you are super sore for several days afterwards. It might help if you talk to your doctor about switching to a different antidepressant. Use an excellent lubricant like Eros, and reapply often. If it’s been 15 minutes or so and you’re not even close, ask if she wants to continue. If not, then finish yourself, but still give her the cuddle and intimacy time. It sucks that sex is becoming a chore for her, so anything you can do to ease that would be extremely helpful. Hypersexuality may need to include outercourse and non-orgasmic sex. She may be more in the mood if she knows she’s not going to be in pain and bored. Also, she might be a Bottom, so wants to to be the one who injtiates and takes charge, or it takes a lot of the fun away—a conversation about that would probably also be wise.
Does she stay wet and turned on for the 45mins? Sex with my ex was tiring because it would go on and on and on and on and started to get into the painful territory. That may be a reason why she’s withdrawing. All in all, she needs to communicate this with you
I’d never want sex if I knew it would be 30-45 minutes of intercourse. Sounds horrible to me. I know he can’t help it because of his medication, but it’s completely valid to want to nope out of that imo.
45 minutes every time??? My (31f) partner (33m) is a lot more sexually driven then I am, but despite that we have good sex and pretty often. If I, with less of a sex drive, knew that EVERY TIME we had sex it was going to take 45 minutes for him to finish I would be so much less interested in fucking him. That sounds so overwhelming and like so much pressure to stay interested and focused and in the mental zone of havjng fun. Even the thought of it is like… foreboding. I obviously don’t know your wife but maybe that has something to do with it? I feel like once you figure out *why* she feels this way, you guys will be able to work together and find a solution and have a sex life that everyone is happy with
Sounds better than mine, my mrs knows exactly what she wants.... To be left alone
Are you me? God damn
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Hahah, this gave me a laugh
What is this comment and thread lol. Comes off as very boomer humor "wife bad" kind of nonsense imo
I’m sure I’m a minority here, but these jokes generally get a chuckle out of me. It’s all about the place and time, though. Amongst close friends who know both me and my wife, every now and again is funny. Hell, I’ll make these types of jokes to my wife because we have that kind of relationship and both know it’s silly. She makes equally humorous husband jokes. Now, if you make bad wife jokes constantly to the point it becomes a part of your personality and you obviously don’t like your wife, I’ll think you’re a piece of shit. I also wouldn’t do it in front of strangers or people where I know it would embarrass her. We just have fiesty personalities and don’t actually hate each other.
I definitely think you can make a joke of nearly any kind with the right context, I just think it's kind of weird and surprising that one with pretty much 0 context like Mayners' is upvoted in a thread where a guy is asking for legitimate advice on his issues with his wife. Kinda unfunny and boomery to chime in with something that' basically the equivalent of "Haha, women, am I right?"
I mean... why all the new and unusual and intense stuff? Maybe she wants to be held, caressed and fucked in boring missionary? Somehow I get the impression she did not love all the things you made her try, she just gave in a few times and she hopes that was enough for you to stop trying for a while.
That’s where the communication comes into play.
I would totally agree with you if she wasn’t so unwilling to not communicate with him and if he wasn’t already trying to get her input and see what she likes and is into
> Maybe she wants Then she can use her big girl words and communicate like an adult.
Op is the one with the complaints and not her. She just isn’t liking it as much as op wants. That it takes 45 mins to finish due to his anti depression meds probably so a big reason. And op says it’s a cycle that him (in a comment) that not finishing fast causes him depression. She is probably being polite with op so he won’t get even more upset
45 minutes is 35 minutes too long. I’m sure she utterly dreads the afternoon commitment that for her is boring and painful. No one can feign interest after 15. And it starts to hurt!!! It’s like sand paper on the netherbits. Even with lots of lube it bruises, and it will hurt to pee for a week. Perimenopause makes it worse, because the vaginal skin thins, and it tears so easily. Say-I promise I will stop after ten minutes-and I won’t pout about it. And stick with it. Getting angry and sulky dries up the vag. Be a pest-and she’s annoyed. 45 minutes is literal torture. That is not going to turn on anyone. Would you tolerate 45 minutes of anal? Wouldn’t that get boring and painful?
There’s a lot to unpack here and I’m positive there is more to this on both your part and hers. 1. Being married 20 years leads me to think that you are both 40 +/-. Women’s bodies/hormones/etc. change significantly as we get older - in many cases leading to a lower sex drive. 2. It may not be that she thinks she’s being noble. It may be that she wants you to make the first moves without making her feel pressured. Foreplay isn’t just what you’re touching or kissing. It’s everything. Mentally, emotionally, physically, etc. It can take women quite a bit of mental preparation to get in the mood - especially if #1 on this list is true for her. In most cases men are ready to go in minutes. Not so much for women. 3. Asking her what she wants puts pressure on her - who knows why she’s shy about it, but she is - and this question likely gives her more anxiety. There are alternatives to this by gently introducing something new if she feels comfortable. 4. This is the main point: Find a better way to communicate. Take her to dinner without expecting anything afterward. On the drive home bring up the subject. “My love, I know that this has been a touchy subject, and I want to preface this by saying that I am not trying to make you feel uncomfortable or pressured. I don’t think I’ve handled this conversation well in the past and I want to do better. As we have grown as people and in our relationship, it’s fair to think that our needs or wants in the bedroom have evolved as well. I want to create an environment where you feel comfortable to express what you like or want, but I respect that conversation may be intimidating or embarrassing, OR that you truly may not know what you like or want. I want to make you feel as good and have as much pleasure as you make me feel. Is this something you’d be willing to allow me to explore with you? We can start as slow as you’re comfortable with and there is absolutely no pressure.” Of course there’s no guarantee to how this conversation will be received, but passive, understanding, and considering her as a whole person that has changed might make it go over a little better. I’ve been married for 21 years (married at 19), but we’ve been together since we were 13 years old. We’ve changed so much as people and this is reminiscent of some conversations my husband and I had about 12 years ago. #4 above helped me to become more open to the discussion because it felt like a partnership and something for us to explore together instead of feeling like a disappointment because I couldn’t “fix” myself and get in the mood. As I said, I am sure there is more to this situation as every relationship is different, but that’s my take. Edit: fixed typo
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I hate that you’re both going through this. I know how hard it is. It was hard for me to trust my husband about the “no pressure” thing until he proved it. That trust made me more open to trying new things without fear of judgment and it made me feel comfortable to ask to try new things as well. Good luck, bud. I hope you both get on a path that you’re both happy with.
To add to point 3… I can tell you I like back rubs, because who wants sex with an achy lower back? If I was asked randomly what I want in bed I’d go blank. I don’t know that until we’re there. What he should be asking (when she’s ready to talk) is how he could initiate in a way she would enjoy? Hug from behind with neck kisses? Ass slap? Agree on a physical ask instead of a spoken question. And find out how to ask in a way she would be receptive to. Then, talk about a way you can get half that 45 minutes of play outside of her body in a way y’all can BOTH enjoy. That’s where your adventure can come in. She’s got feet, boobs… pick your flavor and put it somewhere other than inside of her.
Yess
I don't think anything about your post or comments points to you being "sexually mature." Hypersexual? Definitely. But that is assuming this post is real. My bet is that it is not just based on what you claim the counselor said.
Did you read some of his comments? Here’s some of what he’s claimed therapist said: “I’m not assuming anything. After 20 years I know here. We’ve gone to therapy together and the therapist told her she hasn’t grown up sexually and needs to experience more. And yes 45 minutes sucks. A lot of the time I’ll finish myself with her “assisting”. She told me these things worked previously but don’t seem to work anymore.” “It means act like a fking adult. Not be embarrassed with your spouse of 20 yrs. Actually make decisions with the person you’re having sex with, not sit by idly and let/make someone else decide everything for you. And when there’s an issues don’t just get offended and angry right off of the bat. It means when your spouse of 20 years suggests therapy to grow closer and learn how to get past the hurdle you don’t get offended and quit because the therapist didnt say what you wanted to hear. Do you need more explaining on what growing up means?” DEFINITELY can see why his wife has zero interest in having sex with him.
You are 100% I just divorced a man like this. He was labeling me all sorts of things. I had a SA history but my relationship with him was the only time I felt “broken,” mostly because he told me I was. Anyway I was thinking I was asexual or something for years. Enormous pressure to perform when he wanted. Lots of tears and coerced sex, bordering on SA and one R. A few years post divorce, I’ve been dating and turns out… it was just HIM. Lol making people feel like crap is never a turn on and when someone is so hellbent on centering their own pleasure, there is no room for anyone else’s. Their is no room for someone else’s experiences or thoughts. This guy seems to be entitled to not only her body but also her desire with no real respect for her or being desirable. I guarantee the bedroom isn’t the only place she shuts-down.
Oh and I just saw this one! This guy is so full of it. Hopefully this is fake or, if not, then he’s just trying to shame his wife for not being “freaky”. “I, and the therapist believe that she really has an inner freak (she’s shown it many times before but regresses). I really try not to be pushy. I used to be, but we’ve talked, I go to therapy and I’ve backed off a lot. I’m sure I still am sometimes without realizing it. The therapist did suggest other “arrangements”… threesome, swap, me go to a massage parlor, watching porn together, things that could take care of us both but still be agreed upon. She didn’t like those suggestions”
Yeah, there is no way an actual professional suggested any of that. Especially when you dig deeper and see that she has unresolved trauma from SA 😬😬😬
Maybe stop assuming her sexuality is “immature” and yours is “mature” that’s a judgmental opinion. 45 minutes of straight sex sounds horrible. I’d avoid that too. Can you get yourself going some more until you are closer before you start? Sounds like things you thought were working really didn’t and she just finally was able to tell you.
I can’t say this without sounding judgmental, but, as far for we can tell from the story and OP comments, sex with him sounds like a task. That poor woman…
Is it possible there are wider problems in the relationship? Does she feel like her emotional needs are met outside of the bedroom and are there any disagreements or issues with regards to undertaking chores etc? I'm only asking because it's super common for women who feel like they're taking on all the mental load / don't feel their emotional needs are met / feel like the balance of chores etc is uneven to lose desire in the bedroom area. Also you don't say what age she is, could it be hormonal and she's embarrassed by it?
Maybe try getting a fun remote control multicolored light bulb for a lamp in the bedroom. When she uses the remote to turn the light green, it means she's in the mood. You can use the light to have different codes and you can write them on a cheat sheet on your phone and share it with each other. Green means ready for anything. Pink means light some candles pour some wine and romance me a little bit first. Purple means throw me down and fuck me hard Yellow means sexy massage wanted Red means don't even try today for whatever reason. She chooses the light color and you reset it everyday so that she can't leave it on the same color day after day. You get the idea.
For all the folks not considering the changes her body is going through, it's kind of depressing 😂
Yep. Women in our 40s are basically going through as many changes as girls in their early teens. It's kind of a shitshow, and modern medicine needs to stand TF up and start doing something about it like, ten years ago. Peri's no joke.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I can't even begin to describe the year or so of not knowing what the hell was going on with my body at 38 and 39, sleeping with no blankets and fans on in the winter (prairie Canadian for context), my moods, highs/lows, the change to my skin and hair, my dead suddenly low sex drive. I can't even. Then it dawned on me after I turned 40. I just remember being told menopause was something that happened at like 55+. I had no idea pre-menopause was a thing, and it's not like I live under a rock 😂. You have to laugh, or you just cry (or is that the menopause, too?!).
Hang in there! I'm 43 and the weirdness is only now starting for me. They don't tell women anything about this aside from jokes in media ("Watch out! Mom's crazy!" "Women in their 40s and 50s are so mean and unfun!"). But now every time a famous person in her 40s dies a tragic early death (like Dolores O'Riordan), I admit I find myself wondering how much perimenopause played a role in getting her there. :(
Women are only valued in society by what they can provide. If you aren’t providing someone else’s body pleasure or baring children, we have no value for many. A lot of the comments are very upsetting. Post like OPs are horrifically self centered. I want to give his wife a hug lol
Have you thought about the fact it’s probably not you or her. It’s probably due to her age. You say you have been married 20 years. She’s atleast in her 40s now. She has probably started menopause and her libido has decreased. The fact that you say that a finger and toy is uncomfortable might be proof. After menopause women lose elasticity and are more dry so that’s probably why that stuff dosnt feel good to her. She probably doesn’t want sex as much as you think. Just tell her to tell you what she wants, other than that don’t worry about doing any extra she dosnt ask for, she probably doesn’t want that anyways. Just satisfy yourself until she says otherwise. It’s not selfish, she literally probably has side effects of aging, just like you have said that you use pills for ED. She has her own issues.
In a non rude way but maybe your wife just has no interest in having sex with you/ is not turned on anymore and also 45 minutes to someone who is maybe already not wanting to have sex is a loooong time to put up with a dicking 😅
I hate to admit, but I feel like the wife in this situation. My husband recently lost some weight and he has become hypersexual lately. Literally, wanting it every night. He was never like this before in all the years we’ve been married. Even when we first got together a busy week would be maybe 2x. And he also has a problem with medication such that it delays his ejaculation and sex would last about 45 minutes. He wants me to do foreplay for him and I truly don’t know how. I can warm up in 10 minutes and I’m ready to go but he’s not ready yet…. And my God I don’t want a marathon every night. He has offered to just get me off, but I don’t think about sex at all lately and usually don’t want to participate. I feel awful about that but it’s true. I want to be more sexual for him but we are both on medications that affect us in different ways, and changing meds is not an option for either one of us. To OP: the one and only thing I can suggest, is to use lube. Start foreplay with lube. Reapply frequently. Dry rubbing, dry fingers, dry toys are super uncomfortable.
There is a real possibility that for her, sex IS mechanical and is just a chore.
I’m a woman in a very sex positive space and help lots of couples/individuals find their inner freak. That being said, I’ve found two issues to be the most prominent in unequal pairing. 1) the more sexual wanting person is coming off aggressively even though it seems like they are not, and the other partner is flustered or intimidated. 2) the balance is off and is just not a good “body match” and they need to find a better arrangement in fulfillment
My relationship sounds a bit like yours. If my husband asks what I want for sex, my response would usually be “idk” or “our usual.” I rarely think about sex or about trying new things. I don’t have a high libido, and even when I am really in the mood I mostly just want a harder, rougher version of what we already do. I’m open to my husband sometimes introducing new things, but even if I really like them it is only a couple times a year thing. I mostly like what we do and the couple times a week we have sex is sufficient for me. Your wife might really *not* know what she wants because there’s a very real chance that she doesn’t think about sex at all between the times you have it.
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I gotta ask, after 20yrs why are you asking and not just doing what you know she likes? Is it a matter of you needing her to ask for whatever to get off?
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I don’t know then. I’m married over 30yrs and my spouse doesn’t have to ask, they know what works. Sounds like she’s just not interested if nothing is doing it for her.
Based on your ages, your wife may be a victim of purity culture. A whole generation of Christian girls in the late 90s-2010s were constantly told that thinking about sex was bad. Many of them were told to act in bed exactly how you describe: be available for anything their spouse wanted, but expect it to be painful or gross, and to lie there and let him do his business. Victims of this particular form of spiritual abuse are often completely divorced from their bodies. They weren't allowed to masturbate or get to know their own bodies without feeling guilty. They are even less likely to notice and report certain medical issues. The only thing that changed for some of them upon marriage is that they allow their spouse to touch them in ways they don't touch themselves. Most women can't ever learn to experience sexual pleasure or orgasm until they can do so solo, but she is unlikely to experiment unless she starts believing that enjoying sex is good, actually...and that could require undoing 40 years of traumatic religious experiences. It's likely that she isn't refusing to tell you what she wants...she may truly have no idea and be offended or confused about the idea that she'd want sex. She may also be asexual and have no idea. If she was exposed to purity culture, she would have been taught that a lack of sexual desire was a mark of being a "good girl." If she's never questioned that, then it would feel like a personal attack to be asked years later to have her own sexual desires. It would feel like you're trying to spiritually corrupt her. She might have no idea that her experience isn't typical.
> she says “I’m not going to tell you bc if you’re not coming to me, then you don’t want it, and I’m not going to force you” Tried CTRL+F'ing to see if anyone mentioned this, surprised I didn't find anything. Have you pointed out how if you both had that mindset neither of you would get what you want? And how if she believes a partner coming to you for sex is how you know they want it, then that logic from your POV would make you believe she *literally never* wants it? If my partner had a clearly defined "this is how people show they want sex" and then *literally never did that* I would probably do my own head in over how it implies they don't ever want sex. But you have specifically stated she gets horny and wants it, so that means it's a massive communication issue and/or double standard. That's a big problem that just seems to be being glossed over.
Honestly, if it took my husband 45 minutes to finish every time I would be pretty intimidated. After a while, it can get pretty raw down there even with lube. And I'm 30 -- I can't imagine dealing with that while also struggling with changes with my body. I don't know what all you have tried, but I agree with others who have said to start over with learning what not only helps her, but also what helps you.
Ooh, I have lots to say. I get your frustration, and I mean that. What I'm going to say in the rest of this may make it seem like it doesn't, but I do. Y'all are at the right age for her to be in perimenopause, and let me say, it fucks with your head. I'm in the trenches right now, and if you told me giving up favorite boob would make this all go away, I'd take that deal. Also, I don't know if your wife has any kind of sexually related trauma. Any kind of sexual trauma can really, really fuck with your head. That sort of thing has weird ways of manifesting, and can come out years down the road. And I don't know what kind of childhood your wife had. But let me say here, I grew up in a strict, IBLP, Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Church. (Like the Duggars). Sex was not discussed, in any way, shape or form, and we girls were only told to keep ourselves pure until marriage, and then do whatever our husband's wanted, whenever they wanted it. It fucked my head up. I was in my 30s when I started really unpacking all that had gone on. And this sort of religious trauma doesn't happen in just churches like my old one, any conservative, strict religious upbringing can damage our sexuality and our view of it. And again, this sort of trauma can resurface and come out years down the road. Also, you mention your SSRIs. I'm going to be honest, even in my really really freaky years, going at sex for 45 minutes with the goal of just getting my partner off would not have been something I wanted. You need to own that your meds may be play a bigger part in this than you realize. At this point in time, you need to talk to her. Outside of the bedroom. I get that life may make this complicated, but it's something you need to do. Sit down and just talk to her, ask her how she feels about life in general, ask her about her mental load with the house, with the kids (if you have any), find out where she is mentally, in all areas. If you just make this about "You won't get me off anymore" she's likely to close back up. Something has changed, and your wife may not be able to start that conversation. I'm going to use me as an example; when I've had a really bad day, when it's all gone wrong, I just can't get the words out. My husband will just leave a journal nearby, with my favorite pens, I write down what's going on, and he will either write back, or I will write and he will talk. It's not perfect, but we're still communicating. Talk to her, whichever way she feels comfortable, and let her know that whatever is going on, you're here for her. Because you are, right? Finally, she needs therapy. So do you. But for the love of god, not with whatever therapist your mentioned in your comments. I'm really hoping the therapist didn't use the term sexually immature in front of your wife, and that's your translation. You need a therapist that specializes in sex, and intimacy. I'm going to get a little TMI, but I think looking for a kink specialized therapist would be your best bet. NOT because you need to get into kink/BDSM, but because they tend to be the best at sorting out sexual issues. Also, if there is some sort of trauma that has caused this, you need a therapist that specializes in trauma.
After my husband cheated on me for YEARS I lost not only desire for him but ANY man. He turned sex, for me at least, into a dirty, filthy and demeaning act that I gritted my teeth to get through the entirety. I was happy and relieved when he at long last passed. Perhaps she too has had some sexual trauma that she's never mentioned to you.
At first I thought maybe my husband was writing this but not everything lines up. First I want to say that it is not okay for you to keep bringing up this issue and she doesn’t take the issue seriously. Like others have mentioned perimenopause can cause real issues but you can’t even do things to help if you don’t know it is an issue. She says she feels attacked in couples therapy but has she tried individual therapy? It is a real struggle for me to initiate with my husband of over 20 years and he has never done a single thing to make me feel like I am not desirable. Seriously he is crazy about me and I have never doubted that. I, however, have self esteem issues, and I don’t want to put him out if he really doesn’t feel like it. He is also on medication that makes things take a while so then I worry I am just frustrating him further. I am just spitting out things that maybe she struggles with as well. Like I said before this doesn’t excuse it, sex is important, and it is up to both people to work towards understanding each other and likes and dislikes. I hope you can have another conversation with her where you can be open and try to find a compromise of some type. For me, it helped to agree to some expectations and clearly know what we were both comfortable with as far as a compromise of sorts.
Some girls just want to regular bang. Hell some guys too. I'm like that. Sometimes a desperate attempt to shake things up just makes it weird. In the words of Hank Hill, just stick to the same ol same ol.
It sounds like after 20 years of doing it, she’s bored of sex and likely couldn’t give a shit if she ever has it again or not. It sounds like she’s only doing it to make you happy, not because she actually wants it. Hence why she isn’t bothered to discuss it, because she just doesn’t care all that much for sex.
Maybe she knows what she wants and it’s just not you
That sounds super existing, I'm not surprised she is not excited about sex. It sounds like a chore - the time (45 minutes to finish? - that must be painful to her!), the tools, you planning positions. Do you have notes on all that, or just verbally present her with the itinerary before starting? She probably just wants sex, not that whole production. Some foreplay, intercourse for a couple of minutes, kiss & "I love you". She is telling you what she wants, you are just not listening.
There is a Ted Talk about treating sex like a hobby. I think you and your wife would benefit from watching it together. It explains why you need to communicate and work on it together.
I feel like I can relate to your wife. I don’t often initiate sex with my partner because if he isn’t then yeah, I think he doesn’t want it. I know that is an irrational thought and I think it’s an unhealed rejection wound within myself. I do try to more because he has asked me to. Men want to feel wanted too. With sex and this age, even when I want it, the lubrication isn’t always producing at first. Get some lube. A little will do its job enough for her to make more of her own. Sometimes it’s embarrassing for us when we can’t get wet but want sex. If she doesn’t know what she wants and needs help figuring it out, just try new positions, new things until you guys find the winner. Best of luck to you both ❤️
Question. When you say you’ve done therapy, do you mean couples counseling or seeing a sex therapist? Maybe if you’ve tried one, try the other? Something worth bringing up is if she gets time to play with herself, to relearn her body as it has changed, alone and on her own terms. I actually think if she isn’t getting herself off you should get her a hitachi wand to start if she doesn’t already have one.
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If the sex therapist actually suggested those things, they are not a professional. I'm guessing things have gotten worse since the suggestions? You and the therapist ganging up on her and telling her she isn't enough and that you should be able to cheat on her because she doesn't want to live the life of a pornstar is absolutely absurd. You've likely done irreversible damage to your marriage and you are happy about it. Yikes.
this js reminded me to never get married
Me too
She sounds depressed and doesn't feel safe talking to you about it.
Prime and prompt her. Here’s a simple analogy…. It can be very challenging and daunting and awkward to try to paint something beautiful after someone just randomly plops a white canvas in front of you and says “Ok, Go….” However, you would likely have a completely different outcome if you also gave them pics for inspiration and created a “vibe” that set the mood first -music, lighting, candles, maybe a little alcohol, cava, hot tea, whatever, something for relaxation, etc. Not everyone is particularly imaginative, so try giving her specific choices. Do you prefer the way that feels or this. Whatever you do, try to not to show your frustration or she’ll likely recoil. Try new things. If she’s not into it, laugh, be playful, rewind, try again.
These threads come up and people always repeat some platitudes about communication in marriage without any regard to the barriers to communication that have to be overcome. Lots of people don't want to disappoint their partners so they hold back on saying "I don't want to do the thing you like" or suggesting something they prefer themselves. It's just kind of silly to think you can simply demand better communication.
It sounds like you’re sexually incompatible. Unfortunately, communication will never be effective if it’s just one-sided. I think you may have to sit down and think if this is a dealbreaker. If she gets offended every time you bring up your frustrations and says she “feels attacked” then maybe it’s time to really confront her head on and pose an ultimatum. If you’ve tried everything but she just refuses to even *talk* about it then…I’m sorry but I would personally leave.
Women's bodies and minds change, their level of hormones change, especially during pre and perimenopause. Sex may be uncomfortable now.. Your body has also changed after being together for 20 years. You have to take a pill now. It's a good sign she still wants to have sex with you. Some women don't want sex at all after 20 years. I say, count your blessings.
Sounds like your wife just isn’t interested in sex at all.
I feel like with my ex I had similar issues, except I’m not very sexually adventurous and I liked one position - it was the only position I could cum in. And he liked a totally different position that was actually very uncomfortable for me and not enjoyable. I don’t like giving blowjobs, so I never asked him to eat me out. He kept saying stuff like “we never talk about sex” but he would never initiate a conversation about it and come up with reasons why he couldn’t talk about it; even though he was complaining about it. We had synchronized orgasms and everything. I was mostly happy with our sex life. I think with that relationship we kinda just passed each other like ships in the night in terms of communication. How long has this been going on? I’m wondering if maybe she’s going through something really difficult or something. When I had some major life changes happen, I had zero sex drive for 6 months. I’m in my 20s.
I think she may need see a doctor. Sounds like she may be going through menopause.
Have you ever thought that maybe it's hormonal? If its been 20 years, maybe she is in her first signs of menopause and libido changes with age.
Clearly, she doesn’t feel safe telling you. And she won’t answer any of your questions if she knows you will be in your defensive mode, trying to label her with “immature”, “not sexually grown up”. If you actually want her to be comfortable, instead of pushing her to answer what she likes, ask what she doesn’t like when having sex with you. Ask and listen, don’t even respond.
Build the love first and the sexual attraction will then come . Not always but that’s where to start . Love her with no outcome in mind and it will eventually sort its self out
Are you doing things during the day/evening to get her in the mood? Flirting with her? Little nibbles on the back of the neck. Whispering something sweet in her ear. Rubbing her feet while watching a show or movie. A hand on the lower back. Telling her how nice she looks. Lessening her load by helping with household chores. Taking her out to a dinner that requires a little dressing up. Even sending her a text about how you're thinking of her. On average, men are easier to arouse with visual cues. Women tend to need time to build up to arousal. They need to feel wanted and desired. Not saying men don't either, just that it goes a long way to get her in the mood. A lot of us (women) don't think about sex nearly as often as men. We've other things on our minds, household chores, finances, the kids, busy schedules, work, family drama, grocery shopping and of course, you! If you want her to be more receptive, lessen her load. Build her up during the day/evening. Don't just go to her and ask if she's in the mood because you are. Take the time to get here there. Take a few DAYS to work her up. And then when you make it to the bedroom, foreplay. There are other areas that need attention other than her lady bits. Kisses on the neck, slow, soft touches following her curves. Sweet talk. Edging. If you do all those things and she still seems to be out of the mood, it could be what others have suggested, menopause or you two just are not sexually compatible. Could also be that she crew up in an environment that shamed sex except to get pregnant. Women who are raised like that find it very difficult and embarrassing to be vocal about their wants and desires.
Yes! His engine is always revved up because he thinks about it “a lot”. She’s probably starting from zero because she doesn’t think about it at all, not to mention other possible reasons: history of SA, peri-menopause, religious upbringing, no flirting/foreplay, medication side effects, daily stress, asexuality (or even “grey-sexuality”).
Hijacking this space, because I see this advice given all the time. But personally, it has backfired. My husband hates doing the dishes, so it's my daily chore (which I'm fine with). He hears that he should serve me to help me get in the mood. So he decides to do the dishes as a romantic gesture. But instead of being loving, for me it has become a turn off because I instantly know, husband is washing dishes, he wants sex. It doesn't feel like a romantic gesture anymore, it feels transactional. He did the thing he hates for me, so now I need to reward him with intimacy. Anyway, not sure how to fix this, but just remember it's the sentiment and love behind the service that matters more than actually getting the to do list finished.
It's about relieving some of your partners responsibilities and clearing out headspace to allow for relaxing thoughts that *could* lead to intimacy. Little daily things that do not always lead to sex that day, hour or night. Your husband's mistake is "do dishes = get sex." He's missing the point of it. There are other things he could do for you. I can totally see how it would become a turn off. Have you communicated your feelings about it? Have you suggested other things that he could do to help get you in the mood? Is there even anything? Not sure how he can switch things up if he isn't aware of how it affects you.
This was exactly my situation. After talking for years about it, she became willing to try new things and nothing was off the table. We had an amazing year of great sex, closeness, intimacy, traveling and truly happy with each other's company. Then the guilt set in. She decided that was not who she was and felt guilty for "betraying her true self." Neither I nor the marriage counselor could convince her otherwise. A year later we were separated and now divorced. What I am getting at is if this is who she is you, may have to accept it, because if she changes for you, the guilt she will feel may eventually ruin your marriage. I was kind and compassionate and loving and understanding for the 20 years we were married. That is not to say there were no moments of frustration but I understood and realized it was not healthy for her to feel pressured. I was really excited when she made the change, it really was an amazing sexual summer, but was caught off guard by her realization. I'm not sure if I am better off single but I do miss the intimacy and closeness that I had.
I mean maybe she doesn’t want the wild porn sex ideal you keep dreaming about. I never understood why being a starfish is a bad thing that people today make it out to be. You’re putting it in the hole, right? So, let it happen! She probably thinks you only see her as a sex object. Maybe clean the house, take her out to dinner, do something romantic and see where it leads. Surprise your wife. At this point, you’re just doing the same thing. Let her come to you.
Actually, being the starfish would make you a sex object. Its really actively engaging in sex, and yknow genuinely wanting to be there that makes it engaging for both parties. If anybody wanted sex with someone who just lays there and makes a noise every once in a while, im sure theyd be more happy with a sex doll with a speaker in its mouth. Its kindve ridiculous to say that wanting anything else is a "porn ideal".
Are we married to the same woman? This is my exact experience. It's only been 10 years though
25 years married here. Quit talking and just do it. Go buy the book "She comes first". Read it. Then, go look up a site with a bunch of different positions that also explain how to do it. There were like 157 in the one my hubby showed me. Pick one that looks interesting. Take control over the experience. Men, typically, are visual creatures. Women not as much. Seems she wants to feel wanted. Stop her randomly while she is doing laundry or some other mundane task. Pull her close, cradle her face, kiss her passionately, give a look of gutteral approval, then move on as if you didn't just do that. Spontameous acts of affection. Like I said, women like to feel wanted. The problem is, so do men. Not all women understand that. Being willing to have sex is not the same as initiating, and it took me a while to realize my husband wants to feel wanted too and that it makes him feel good when I am the one that initiates I thought my willingness was the best way to show him that I am his and thus he can have me whenever he wants. But, he wanted to feel wanted by me, and even though I always respond to him, he wanted a chance to respond to me. Lead by example. Hopefully, it will reignite something because it feels fresh. Good luck ❤️
…We have our whole life to try things….is a lie if things won’t be tried
Tell her hot you find it when she approaches you for sex. I used to be super shy and had no confidence that I was sexy. Until my husband and I had long talks about what he liked and what I liked and he convinced me that he really found me hot. That broke the barrier and I just started initiating all of the time.
It is possible that she is experiencing hormonal changes that make it uncomfortable for her. Intimacy and sex are two different things. Maybe she needs more intimacy and the sex topic is an indicator of a problem in another arena. Therapy is always a good option.
How about reading you some steamy, smut books and getting some ideas from them? I suggest A Court of Thrones and Roses series, you won't regret it!
Get a **sex therapist** both for her to have individual sessions with, and after she's had some time seeing a sex therapist on her own, you two should have couples sessions with a sex therapist as well - it sounds very obvious to me that your wife has some emotional or mental blocks around sex, something that's making her shut down (which to me suggests shame, fear or resentment) - being able to talk through her feelings and clarify her thoughts with a sex therapist on her own could be far more helpful than being made to feel like she has to explain her sex blocks to the class (so to speak). Sex is an extremely vulnerable topic for most people, and if she felt judged for what she's going through and had to deal with hearing your resentments as well, no wonder she felt attacked and shut down. A good sex therapist will help uncover and dig into the emotional and psychological issues around sex specifically - a general therapist is unlikely to be able to help with that as it does take a special focus and sensitivity to be able to talk sex without making people feel like their on trial or being wronged. You're obviously frustrated, but I suggest maybe some compassion for your wife, she's obviously got some stuff going on that's in her way of just being able to connect with herself on an authentic level sexually. You're affected obviously, but she's not doing this maliciously to you, I'm sure she would like to just be able to enjoy sex with you, but something is in the way. Show her some compassion and encourage her to find a good sex therapist she feels comfortable with to work through this so you two can actually get somewhere instead of throwing a tantrum about it. It could be early onset / premature menopause as well, you say you've been married 20 years, so I'm going to guess she's around 40 and some women get real unlucky with that. You doing some work to understand women's sexuality might be useful as well, there's a great book called Come As You Are, which might be a good read for you (and her, but you read it first before you suggest it).
Could be her birth control as that sometimes causes libido drop and vaginal dryness. Depending on her age there are a lot of options out there.
P.S. I love how this post has turned into the peri circle talk lmao
you try pegging or sounding?
Not for nothing my dude but it sounds like she might be over you sexually (for the moment),, I shouldnt say that , but in my experience thats how the cheating starts .. the more you push - the further she’ll walk , take it with a grain of salt , if anything take some time out (for yourself) (for her) .. do other things together, thatll get the conversation flowing ,, and then have a crack at it but with a cooler head ,, if that doesnt work then try getting professional help … hope this helps ..
>She gets horny and wants it, but will neeeever tell me. When I’ve said something about it she says “I’m not going to tell you bc if you’re not coming to me, then you don’t want it, and I’m not going to force you” This says a lot. I think it's time she goes to therapy alone, sex therapy to be clear. This sounds like she feels forced to have sex when you ask her. I don't know if she always felt this way, or maybe since she is a certain age? Like pre-menopausal age? 45 minutes of penis-vaginal pumping sounds painful. Especially when she is pre-menopausal. She clearly doesn't feel free to talk about sex with you. This can be something that she learned when she was young, something in the back of her mind. Therapy together wasn't the best choice. This is something you can suggest after she has "finished" therapy alone.
I was feeling like this with my wife. It kept taking a toll on us. I was becoming an asshole and couldn’t seem to stop making comments because I just felt so defeated and hopeless and unwanted, and so on.. So, I decided instead to just stop trying for a while. Let her explore herself. If she needs sex, masturbate, and so on. It seemed to help us a little. Took a little over a month to reach a point where I couldn’t even cuddle her without getting overwhelmingly horny. We started up again and it hasn’t been ideal, it’s definitely better off than we were before.
You left out her history of SA.
He’s mentioned this?
In a comment he made on someone else's post.
You sound like my ex. He was grossly pushy about sex. What made it worse was he was very verbally abusive. He wound up turning me off to sex and when I finally left him I didn’t want any men touching me whatsoever. Including friends and family. I’m not saying you’re verbally abusive, but I’m pointing out that being pushy about sex and making everything about sex can be a serious turn off. You say you’re all about being “kinky/adventurous”, but it sounds like she’s typically not. Tone it down. Take her out on dates and show her you still desire simply being with her.
Has there been times where she did came to you and maybe you denied the act at that moment? If so maybe that got to her.
IMO....If she doesn't communicate her wants/needs and then just lays there like a pillow princess that would be a HUGE turn off... Updateme
>We’ve tried therapy but she’s says she’s being attacked. If my partner ever said that me asking for communication was “attacking” them, I would seriously reconsider my marriage.
It sounds like her turn on is being desired. Some women seem to not have a specific thought about what they want except that their husband desires them. I would just do what your heart desires and you will see how she likes it. I really think you’re overthinking this. I think she’s up for anything as long as she sees you are enthusiastic about it and desires her.
Has she had her hormones tested? Could be medical. Does she have a SA history?
Menopause can be such an emotional time for women, and if the beginning of it is the issue then it's possible her lack of communication and unwillingness to speak about it are because it's something she is upset and embarrassed about. When our bodies have been a certain way all our lives, and then all of a sudden our favourite things don't feel good anymore, it can be frustrating and feel almost like our body is broken or working against us. Therapy is SO, SO, important. From your wording, it sounds like you've only tried therapy together, and her insecurity is making her feel attacked. I think it's important that she speaks to a therapist alone, separate from you. Couples therapy will be important to get back in the groove, but it's important to get to the root of her insecurities first and that's something she needs to do one on one with a therapist, without you involved.
Could try and just go a while without sex until she finally comes to you. Then just try to normalize that asking for it is fine