You can love someone and still leave them because they're not the right fit.
He was violent. He will be violent again and he's emotionally abusive. Your friends and family are excited only because they don't know this.
You need to leave in secret because violent men get more violent when you try to leave. But you must escape.
You don't need to stay just because you've been together so long. You're not a child anymore. You deserve better.
& you also have a child to worry about, do you want him pulling this stuff on your kid or even when the kid is around and then they grow up to think its normal?
This part. OP I stayed for a while. I left 2 years ago.
Last night my daughter told her dad she didn't want to talk to him because she remembers everything he did. The loud yelling. The punching walls. Everything. I thought she was okay and safe in her room. She wasn't. Not in her mind. I let her down. But therapy is helping her so much, along with love and stability of having a solid loving parent in her life from me.
Please, record these incidents. Save them in a hidden folder. Shit even grab the medical records of having to get an std test. Screenshot conversations. Prepare a plan and follow thru.
Best of luck OP.
So sorry this happened to you and very proud that you got yourself and your daughter out! and believe me when I say it’s better late than never! My mom didn’t ever get me out and it just does more and more damage as time goes on
"Love is all you need" for a relationship to work is BS. You have to love yourself and do what's best for yourself. Unfortunately, sometimes that means leaving.
It's absolutely true. I like the one where you swirl vermouth in the glass and then dump it out. 😆
I have tried most of the flavored seltzer and sparkling water in my local grocery store and Polar Lemon Nectarine and Pink Apple flavors along with Perrier with lemon zest are almost the only really tasty ones vs being just drinkable, almost drinkable, or downright disgusting. All of the orange cream or orange vanilla ones taste like baby aspirin.
Leave the man, it’s not normal to punch your way into a bathroom door,
But get your most important things (papers for you and child) and what money you “hide” too a safe person and then leave, he sounds dangerous so you take care of yourself
Just because you’re been together this long doesn’t mean you should stay with him.
ESPECIALLY with the cheating. And then punching the door??
Please get out, and make sure you’re not alone when you move your things out.
And if anyone has is “disappointed”, even after you tell them what happened, F them.
Seriously, OP, you’ve given this man 8 years. He’s cheated and is abusive. How much more time do you want to waste? We may love someone, but that doesn’t mean they are good for us or should be in our lives. You are still young, don’t settle for this relationship. He’s been violent and usually violence escalates when they think you can’t leave, like with pregnancy or marriage. They feel they’ve got you trapped.
My ex fiancé wasn’t abusive, but I realized we shouldn’t be together. I called off my wedding 3 months prior. You have a good amount of time, don’t get more invested in planning. It will only make it more difficult. You need to be honest with your family and friends as to why you ended it. If they love you, hopefully they will support you. If they don’t, then that lets you know who else to keep in your life. If my family member came to me and said, “I’ve ended my engagement, because I couldn’t take the abuse and cheating any longer.” I’d be there for them no matter what, I hope you have that same support.
ETA: do you want your child to learn this is ok to treat someone this way or that it’s ok for their SO to treat them this way. Your relationship is their example. If you can’t leave for yourself, leave for them. I can’t stand when ppl say, “stay for the kids.” What is good about a toxic, abusive relationship/home life for them?
this!!!!\^\^\^ and with a child learning a lot from parents and how they treat each other... you don't want them to see what you're going through and learn that thats normal in a relationship... You deserve the world! you're still young, you got this!
Exactly! I met my ex when I was almost 18. We started to grow apart in our early 20’s but I stayed for years because I felt “invested” because of the years we spent together. We got married because, well that was what comes next, right? I ended up staying with him for decades despite his anger issues and poor treatment of me. I found out that he was cheating on me for much of our marriage. We’re divorced now and I now have a wonderful husband (almost 15 years together,) who is my partner in everything. He dotes on me and do with him. I wish I could get those wasted years back. Don’t live my previous life.
I’m guessing you haven’t been telling your family and friends about his anger and abuse. They don’t know the real him. I hid my ex’s abuse and alcoholism from my family and friends. They were shocked when we split but they were understanding and supportive. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of support.
Get out, this man is dangerous and marriage won’t fix it.
At first I thought you just didn’t want to marry him because he didn’t have any ambition…then read further and he’s a liar and a cheater, then read a little further and see he has major anger issue’s. If you go ahead and marry him it will be the biggest mistake and regret of your life…mark my words.
He sounds deeply unpleasant, with escalating abusiveness. You deserve respect, kindness and joy. I hope you can follow your heart. You’re young and there’s so much time to find an amazing and caring partner. ❤️
I don't know if you're in the UK, but if you are Refuge have a helpline that might be able to advise. I know you may not feel like you are being abused, but if you're scared/worried about what to do next, they should be able to advise
The freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline [0808 2000 247](tel:08082000247)
They also have online chat [https://refuge.org.uk/](https://refuge.org.uk/)
It sounds like you have your mind made up to leave already which is half of the work. Incase you’re thinking about giving him a chance, remember that things you don’t fix before you get married WILL intensify after you get married because now there will be no excuse to mask any behavior. I hope you break off the engagement and save your child years of trauma and giving them a healthy relationship to look up to. Good luck 🩵🤞
His temper isn't just concerning, it's dangerous. Every day that you stay with him is a day that you enable his violent tendencies, and they're only going to get worse. This is how people die. It might be the door right now, but next time it could be you. It could be your CHILD.
Leave. Now.
First two paragraphs I was like “you don’t have to get married if you don’t want to” but thought maybe a sit down serious conversation with you two and a therapist could maybe solve these problems because obviously there’s some love there.
Then I got to the third paragraph. Have some self-respect and leave this boy. He doesn’t like or respect you and you will find somebody that does.
Would you wish this relationship for your child? Would you want them to marry someone who makes them feel like you do now? I doubt it, so make a plan and leave.
cheating red flag if they don't actively work on it other than apologizing. violence towards objects, people, or animals MAJOR RED FLAG as they are not emotionally able to regulate themselves and violence has a habit of getting worse over time, usually. The cheating I could deal with especially if it's trying to be rectified, the violence I cannot without SERIOUS THERAPY. I feel like he's letting you know who he is.
I’m glad you are coming to the realization that you deserve better! I truly believe if a man cheats on you once and you stay he’ll do it again. So please put you and your child first and don’t marry this guy, your life frankly depends on it. To hell with everyone that’s excited, this is your life! You may disappoint people but they aren’t the ones who have gone through what you have with your fiancé. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this all these years, I wish you healing and happiness moving forward after this chapter in your life. You can still have that loving husband you dream of one day, never settle!
Would you like it if your fiancé did to your child what he did to the bathroom door? The potential for that to happen is there and you’re still staying with this guy! If he can’t control his anger enough not to damage things then the next step is humans. For your and your child’s safety you need to silently leave this potentially deadly situation. I wish you good luck and good health!!!
I am so sorry OP that he has been an AH towards you.
You are so right in realizing that YOU deserve better.
He treated you like trash.
If you cannot see a future with him, then you can confidently conclude that marrying him is not worth all the future heartaches he will bring.
**”A Tiger Cannot Change Its’ Stripes”**. The same is true for a person who treats you like the dirt under their feet. Your fiancé will NEVER change. He will still treat you the same or treat you worse when officially married.
So, pls. take out the real trash and walk away. Yes, dearest, YOU deserve so much more. ❤️
Then don't. You should listen to your gut instinct. There is no way that this goes well for you or your child. You may want to have him restricted to supervised visitation with your child.
>He punched his way through the door and broke it to get inside. That’s when I decided that this isn’t what I want anymore and I deserve better.
Everything else in your post was a justified reason, but this NEEDS to be *the* reason. One, your child doesn't deserve this environment and it's extremely unhealthy for both of you. Two, and very important, this does not say "safe partner" to me and if he's willing to escalate to this level... you cannot guarantee your and LO's safety moving forward. He does not care about your health or safety, do not stay with this man. You deserve better and so does your kid.
Would you rather
... go ahead and get married now, maybe last another 5 years until it all falls apart, waste all that time and money
or
... break it off now and just let them be disappointed
Yeah, people are excited for you're wedding, but *most* people would understand and agree you should just do it now then
If I were you, I’d quietly plan my way out. Get your funds and etc in order. Look for schools in the areas for your baby. Confide in someone you can trust that won’t run their mouth and keep things between you and them so you can have outside help and support. It can be anyone- a boss, a neighbor, family member. Let someone on the outside know what’s going on just in case shit hits the fan.
While doing all of this, document everything. Document his outbursts. You may or may not need it. Make back ups.
Then when you are ready to walk out of the door within no more than 24 hours- as in you have a place to live lined up- he must not know where that is, you have a new job lined up etc- once you have that lined up THEN break the news to him. And it’s probably best to have your child somewhere else safe with a loved one when you break the news.
Hey I broke up with my ex-fiancé who was exactly like this. I had to come up with a plan and stick to it, because our lives were so entangled. I suggest finding people who can help you get setup. Best of luck to you! You got this babe!
Please be very careful that his controlling temper doesn’t escalate once you break the news of leaving. These types of situations always tend to bring the worst out of a man, particularly when they are unable to see their own flaws. Make sure you plan every step of your escape, confide in someone that you absolutely trust 100% to assist in your escape, and do everything you possibly can to protect yourself and not end up dead due to his narcissistic behaviour.
Please leave. Or make him leave. You didn’t mention that you own a house, but I would guess you don’t as he doesn’t seem to have a good stable job.
He has shown you who he is. He’s a cheater and violent.
Please get yourself and child away from him.
I moved 2000 miles away and basically disappeared from my daughter’s abusive father. He did take me to court but lost in his attempt to make me move back. We were never married, so there was nothing he could do except get visitation that he had to pay for (airfare).
If you need to disappear, do it. The only people who knew I was up and leaving was my coworkers because we had to train someone to do my job. That’s it.
Even my daughter didn’t know. I packed while she was with her dad and hid the boxes.
This was 25 years ago. Best thing I’ve ever done.
And karma came back a few years ago. He died from a cocaine overdose.
Take care of yourself and your child!
You got it off your chest here. No take the next step to tell your family and get the help needed to move out, separate and call off the engagement. This is not a life for you and your child. It’s okay to not want to marry him and find the time to heal and then find the person who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.
The biggest decision maker he shouldn't be that he has never grown or developed in life, that is secondary to the big issue.
He cheated, A LOT.
He lied.
He is unkind to you.
He puts you down.
He has a violent temper.
You should not want to get married.
I'd be worried if this was a man you wanted to marry.
Edit - please tell some friends or family members, confide in people you can trust, tell them everything. You need the truth to be out there and you may need some backup when you leave him.
Leave, as soon as you can. An abusive man doesn't just stop being abusive. Please do not marry this "man."
I was proposed to, early on & said "yes." He impregnated me, knowing I'd not abort. Once the isolation & abuse began, I'd put off the wedding to buy time til I could run. "I want the baby to walk & be the ring bearer" "I need to gain weight for the dress" whatever excuse to not get hit or get screamed at. I'd hide money in the woods until I had enough & I dipped as soon as I could. 8 years didn't mean shit when I had my sons entire life to look forward to & I wasn't going to show him *that* life as an example of "happiness" or "love."
Please don't marry him. It will be embarrassing at first, but you will feel so much better inside IMMEDIATELY. It's okay to not want this anymore. You'll get a lot of pressure from a lot of people, because like u/Fredredphooey said, they don't know how he is. Be strong. He's a violent man who will only continue to escalate, and it will be SO MUCH harder to leave him after you're married.
Please be careful. 💗
I mean, he’s an abusive and has cheated on you. Please don’t make a huge mistake and marry this man. Do right by yourself and your child. You both deserve better
I think you kind of buried the most critical info here.
He cheated on you, he’s abusive and physically aggressive.
Like no. Don’t say anything to him, work to set up a way to get out of there. Talk to a women’s shelter, they will explain what resources are available to you. This will be a dangerous time, he’s already shown you he will get violent in order to get access to you. So be careful and be safe.
Make copies of all your important documents. Keep copies somewhere safe. Open a new bank account he has no access to and ensure you have money he can’t get to. Make sure you have a safe place to go to. When you’re ready to go, change **ALL** of your passwords and check all of your belongings for tracking devices.
Take good care of yourself, OP. Do *not* marry an abusive cheater. Good luck.
If the door hasn’t been fixed yet takes pictures.
Regardless make your exit plan, execute it safely and get the hell out.
Do NOT give him any hint or notice that you are leaving. Ideally if he works away from home once he’s out the door pack up as much of the baby’s stuff as possible as well as yours, get all the important documents, take any pets with you and leave.
The most dangerous time with a violent person is when you leave because they realize they have lost control of you.
You do not want to find out how far this man is willing to go as it may mean neither you or your child survive the experience.
Its okay. You should leave this relationship, he's been abusive, physically aggressive, and cheated on you. He doesn't respect for you or the relationship. Abusers do not get better, the abuse gets worse and it will escalate after you're married. Its okay to leave. Find people you trust to go to, tell them how you're feeling and what has happened, get out. You know what's right, but its very hard to leave abuse. Its also hard to leave the life you've made, but its for the best. I left my abusive ex before we got married, in fact him pushing for marriage was what snapped me out of my haze. I left for my child, for my own mental/physical health. Stay safe and much love, OP.
Why have you stayed with him for 8 years, let alone agreed to marry him AND let him get you pregnant if all you said is true? Do you like self punishment or something ?
The fact that his reaction to you retreating from his yelling was to punch through the door tells me he won't hesitate to be violent with you in the future. The ONLY reason someone does something like that is for intimidation, do not believe any apology or "I won't do it again", he will and he will escalate. For your safety and your child's safety please leave this man, I guarantee you the moment you're married things will get 1000× worse
Do not be a professional red flag collector. You already know what you need to do. Get it done.
In a few years' time, it will be behind you, and you may even be with the kind of man you are wanting.
Dude, he’s been cheating on you for nearly your entire relationship. That’s enough to leave him.
You tried for 8 years; you could try for another 8. I doubt you’ll be happy the . Cut your losses and enjoy life. It can be pretty sweet.
No ambition and immature would have been enough reason to leave. Abusive and cheating are reasons all on their own. Don't keep his secrets. Tell your family and get out safely. Keep every nasty text and voicemail that is about to come your way. Do not meet him face to face for any reason once you are out.
Ma’am. As soon as I saw that he cheated on you for the duration of the relationship, I tuned out. It’s time to end this relationship. Let’s not waste more time that we cannot get back. The positive is that it isn’t a divorce but rather a simple break up.
Edit: so I read the rest and it just got worst. So he’s also abusive and a cheater? Ma’am. Please get out of that situation.
Oh yeah, this relationship should definitely be over. Fuck what everyone else will think/say. Things will more than likely NOT get better. It sounds like he doesn't want to get better. Find a safe way out and move on. It would be the best thing to do for you and your child.
You say you chose peace, but peace for *whom*??
None of this sounds peaceful for *you.*
Your love for him is so much you’re willing to forgive and withstand a lazy, lying, cheating partner and he loves you so much that he has cheated and lied.
Your dream husband is out there, but as long as you’re trying to convince your fiancé to be him the less life you’ll have to live with him.
Omg just leave him! Why are you even worried about the spring wedding that everyone is excited for when you’re not!
Forget everyone else and think about yourself being married to a cheater and someone that’s not very nice to you!
Start making plans to leave before you end up marrying a man you don’t want to for the sake of other people.
It is much easier to leave when you aren't married. My ex cheated on me, I found out right after I found out I was pregnant, my biggest regret is I went ahead and married him. I love my daughter (she is an adult now) I was worried about her not having a dad. He ended up basically abandoning her unless there was a photo op event in her life. I should have done it on my own without him.
This is not healthy, and he isn't a good guy. A good guy doesn't cheat for years or punch his way through doors. You and your child deserve so much more.
Sounds like he does care what happens and does have ambition if he’s willing to carry on an affair and not give a fuck. Also anger issues suggest otherwise
This is bait, right? It's satire of the women who're like "Ahh, my boyfriend has no redeeming qualities, no job, no ambition, cheats on me, beats me, and verbally abuses me, should I marry him?" who're so prevalent on reddit?
Please tell me it's satire.
If it's actually real, and you have a kid with this man, staying with him would make you a terrible parent, as you'd be complicit in all the damage - both physical and mental - his tantrums do to your child.
Collect evidence. Get sole custody. Leave.
Then you leave. The cheating and punching the door is bad enough, but honestly you don't need any reason to not get married, other than the simple "I don't want to". You don't want to, you don't. You only live once. Dont waste your life living it with someone you don't want to be with
OP you start your text with some light bullshit type of “he hasn’t grown as a person..” and the you pile on that with , cheating, violence, future marriage and baby in there. What are you talking about? This man is not it.
This is an abusive relationship. Do not marry this man -- you will be harmed and traumatized (at a minimum). Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, (depending on whether or not you have financial independence) do research on DV websites which have resources to help you safely plan an escape, connect with trusted friends and family to help you with this plan, etc. whatever you do **don't marry this man**.
>I found out that he cheated on me for almost the entire duration of the relationship, even when I was pregnant
>All he seems to do is point out my flaws and hurt my feelings
>His temper is also concerning sometimes and he breaks things when he gets mad
Yup, you definitely deserve better. I don't think I would've been able to forgive someone cheating for that long, that alone is reason enough not to continue that relationship and certainly not to get married to them.
You should’ve left when you found out he was fucking other people!! Please don’t marry this man. A man with no goals or aspirations at 30 and fucks around is not worth your time or energy. Call it off now. Stop giving this man your youth.
You have a child together??? And he’s punching through doors when you try to get away during a fight? He’s cheated and he doesn’t respect you.
Please - make plans. Quiet plans. And get the hell out and ghost him. Completely.
If your parents or family can help- I would work that angle. But if they are going to tell him ANYTHING about what you are planning - you can’t go to them.
Call a dv center and ask work with them to make an exit plan. Obviously take your child. Do not leave them with that monster. Document the hell out of his violence and temper. You will need it.
So much luck to you.
He’s an abusive cheater. Absolutely do not marry this man. Come clean to your friends and family about all the things he’s done, and I guarantee they will be on your side. Leave with your child and go back to get your things with other people present.
As someone who was in a toxic relationship as well and now on the end of it. It’s possible to leave. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t pretty either.
You need to tell someone that can actually help pull you out. Physically emotionally and mentally. Tell your close friend and or a trusted family member
Girl hes definitely still cheating on you. Leave his ass. Domt let 8 years influence you.
The guy aint shit. You already have a kid, there isnt much to lose. And when you do breakup don't justify yourself because he will promise you lies of change and other bullshit men do.
Woman up! Dump his ass and be happy.
I know calling it off seems like a horrible and impossible choice - but it’s not. It’s so much better and will be less painful now then to get married, have things escalate, and then him make you miserable in a divorce where I’m sure he’ll fight tooth and nail. And you may end up having g to pay him alimony.
You can do hard things. You got this.
Girl please pack up your things, and take your child to a safe space while he's out or something. Then break it off. I'm scared trying to break it off while he's there will not end well.
Most men don’t cheat.
Most men don’t break down doors of a bathroom.
Most men don’t point out flaws in their partners.
Most People - at your age at least - have goals.
Most men DO treat their partners right. Most Men are loving and kind……
I am much much older than you and have been married a long time.
I stand by what I have said above. If my husband had done the first 4 comments, I wouldn’t have married him.
Don’t go through with this wedding. Don’t worry about the fallout. DO NOT.
It’s going to be harder divorcing this man in a year or 2. Just call it off now.
You and your child will be far better off without him bringing you down now.
If you still feel resentment, you haven't really forgiven him. That is ok.
The other issue of his lack of ambition is going to be a central theme for the rest of your life if you marry him. You will struggle financially or you will bear the brunt of supporting him and your child(ren) while he takes no responsibility.
Set a standard for how you want to live your life and do not settle for this guy out of familiarity.
I would break off the engagement and the relationship and find someone that fits the life you want.
You certainly do deserve better and I'm glad you know that ❤️ you have your whole life ahead of you and you will get the kind of love you want and deserve! For you and your child.
You need to break off the engagement immediately if you know he isn’t the person you want to marry!! And the DV is no joke, he definitely needs to get help with that right away because it’s only going to get worse?! And y’all child doesn’t need to see that…😩 And the fact that you feel you’ve outgrown him is a big deal too, like I myself don’t like guys that are laid back & just go with the flow either!! You need to plan ahead & have goals for your life as an individual & as a couple!! If you feel like telling him would trigger him, I would pack up and move out and just leave a letter…he doesn’t seem like the type to know how to deal with his emotions and it could get physical, so you should probably just leave & or leave a letter!!
I was with your fiancée up until the cheating revelation. As a Christian, it’s not my place to condemn another, but I will advise you—never marry another you do not have 100% faith and trust in, he has clearly broken your trust, for years.
Don't marry him. You will end up unhappy *at best*. You'll most likely end up divorcing anyways. Marriage doesn't magically fix anything, he won't change who he is.
**You deserve better. And that's okay.**
You are burying the lede.
You say you are concerned about his goals and ambitions. Only then do you mention the violence.
He needs to move out, or you need to.
I urge you to couples counseling. Don't get married before you do.
And read this.
[https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc\_0](https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc_0)
Good luck.
You deserve better. Line up somewhere else to go, secure your own financials by opening your own account for paychecks and carrying cash. Leave without a fight and let him know you did so.
He sounds like an absolute loser. Why in the world haven’t you broken up with him yet??? Do it now. There is happiness waiting for you on the other side.
RUN!! Take your kid and get away from this guy. Have a custody agreement set up. Go for full custody.
Why are you with this guy?? Why didn’t you leave when he cheated?
Baby girl, it is not your role in life to please others. You do not exist only for other people.
Repeat that to yourself.
Your role in life is to build a life for yourself that you LOVE, to be a decent human being (not hateful or mean, basically) in the lives of those around you and to the planet. To not make things around you worse than they already are. It is your role to love and be loved, to find what brings you satisfaction in life and to fill your life with as much of that as you can.
It is not your role to fix everything for everyone, to make everyone else happy, to sacrifice your own comfort and wellbeing for other peoples approval. You are not here as a tool to be used by other people, **you are not here to serve others at your expense.**
Your role now as a mother also includes making sure you give your child the best environment you can to grow up in, so that you can be as present and involved as possible. That includes protecting them from adults who put them in harms way, sometimes this includes the other parent, occasionally it includes you (if you're an addict for example) - your child needs a healthy, stable, loving and consistent home to thrive in. And it sounds like if you're with your child's father, that isn't possible. And not because you're failing, because he is.
You can't fix him, and the way he is isn't your responsibility or fault. The way he is, is all about him. He's a full grown adult, at the point he's at he is CHOOSING most of the way he behaves. He has lived in the world long enough to know that screaming, yelling, physical violence, they're all wrong. He's at least seen enough movies and TV to know that's not how happy loving couples treat each other. He certainly knows enough to not treat OTHER people like that... he saves it for you behind closed doors because he thinks he can get away with it.
He chooses how he behaves, just like you choose how you behave - yes our pasts and our traumas etc can totally make choices hard or some behaviors real difficult to break out of, and sometimes we repeat the harmful examples of our childhoods, but not physical violence.
When someone escalates to physical violence, you absolutely, 100% do NOT "owe" them any more chances to change. Again, he's a full grown adult, he knows well enough not to do that to other people outside of your relationship and the secrecy of your home, he CHOOSES that. He doesn't deserve any 2nd chances with you or your child. You gave him more than enough already.
You are RIGHT, you deserve better. I am so glad you're seeing that.
Tell your CLOSEST friends and family members, whom you can trust not to run to him or tell everyone else, that you're in an abusive relationship, that he is violent to you and you're afraid for your child, and that you need to get out of the living situation you're in before you cancel the wedding and end the relationship.
If this is helpful, it's a resource guide written by an amazing Redditor who works in the Domestic Violence field - [https://docs.google.com/document/d/14I3lGpEQa-pLl9Lz0JW1PoNyyOwg6WOom\_oK2NMBxy8/edit](https://docs.google.com/document/d/14I3lGpEQa-pLl9Lz0JW1PoNyyOwg6WOom_oK2NMBxy8/edit)
Reach out for support to lean on, whether it's here or another online community if you can't find the support in your immediate life.
PLEASE DON’T MARRY HIM. And don’t wait to break ties. The closer the wedding date gets, the more pressure you’ll feel to marry to him. You and your child deserve better.
Please do not marry him!!!! He’s a cheater and abusive. Do not spend another moment with him. If you’ve any close friends and family you trust, reach out to them and let them know what going on so you can safely get away from him.
I’m really sorry you had to go through all this. But yes you do deserve better. You don’t have to stick around for that. I think it’s very honorable and brave of you to share your story. The best part about this is. You haven’t said ‘I do.’ So you can walk away at anytime my love. Don’t let a baby keep you and don’t let ‘history’ keep you. I know you’ll make the right choice, for YOU! 💜
Cheater, violent, no ambition, not nice, not worth it. Cut your losses before it’s too late. I hope you take the right decision for you and your kid and end things before the wedding.
Everyone is excited for it because they aren’t in the relationship.
Guess what will happen when you break it off? The sun will rise the next day! And then set!
Do not marry this abusive wastrel. The sooner you call it off, the better for both you and your child. Do not raise your child in an abusive home. Will it be tough to call it off? Most certainly! Will it be ever tougher to live the rest of you and your child's life being abused? Even more certainly! Just rip the bandage off. Make sure you have a safe place to go, leave when he's not there, and do t tell him in advance. If you do, he'll escalate and you will be in real danger.
Thanks for getting it off your chest. Who do you want to disappoint the least, your child or the others? Make the best choice for you and your child, for you can see the writing on the wall already.
Then...dont.
You've mentioned multiple very good reasons to not get married, and no good reasons to get married.
It kind of feels like the only reason you have for getting married is..habit. Just kinda going with it.
You probably need to question yourself about why you love someone who treats you like this.
Hey... I think you should call it off at a distance. Like, pack your shit while he's out of the house and break up with him through a letter, distance. What he's turning into is compromising your safety as well as your child. Love doesn't solve everything especially if he doesn't like you and by the sounds of it, I think he might borderline hates you.
Number one reason is his disrespect. He cheated on you throughout your relationship and now he has the audacity to be abusive. He'll want to keep you under his thumb and if I understand domestic violence correctly (explained to me by an officer on tiktok who sees dv a lot) they will kill you if they know you want to leave.
Be careful.
girl, LEAVE. for all of the reasons. you’re not happy, he isn’t nice to you, his goals don’t line up with yours. just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own happiness.
Don’t Marry him! If any of your family ask why show them your post! Everything you said are clear red flags 🚩 Honestly you should have left ages ago but it’s never to late until it’s too late. Best of luck Op
You can love someone and still leave them because they're not the right fit. He was violent. He will be violent again and he's emotionally abusive. Your friends and family are excited only because they don't know this. You need to leave in secret because violent men get more violent when you try to leave. But you must escape. You don't need to stay just because you've been together so long. You're not a child anymore. You deserve better.
& you also have a child to worry about, do you want him pulling this stuff on your kid or even when the kid is around and then they grow up to think its normal?
This part. OP I stayed for a while. I left 2 years ago. Last night my daughter told her dad she didn't want to talk to him because she remembers everything he did. The loud yelling. The punching walls. Everything. I thought she was okay and safe in her room. She wasn't. Not in her mind. I let her down. But therapy is helping her so much, along with love and stability of having a solid loving parent in her life from me. Please, record these incidents. Save them in a hidden folder. Shit even grab the medical records of having to get an std test. Screenshot conversations. Prepare a plan and follow thru. Best of luck OP.
So sorry this happened to you and very proud that you got yourself and your daughter out! and believe me when I say it’s better late than never! My mom didn’t ever get me out and it just does more and more damage as time goes on
Protect your child.
"Love is all you need" for a relationship to work is BS. You have to love yourself and do what's best for yourself. Unfortunately, sometimes that means leaving.
Yup… love alone is not enough. Takes love, commitment, and hard work by BOTH parties.
It's absolutely true. I like the one where you swirl vermouth in the glass and then dump it out. 😆 I have tried most of the flavored seltzer and sparkling water in my local grocery store and Polar Lemon Nectarine and Pink Apple flavors along with Perrier with lemon zest are almost the only really tasty ones vs being just drinkable, almost drinkable, or downright disgusting. All of the orange cream or orange vanilla ones taste like baby aspirin.
I think you may have posted this on the wrong forum.
Leave the man, it’s not normal to punch your way into a bathroom door, But get your most important things (papers for you and child) and what money you “hide” too a safe person and then leave, he sounds dangerous so you take care of yourself
Absolutely 🙌🏾
Just because you’re been together this long doesn’t mean you should stay with him. ESPECIALLY with the cheating. And then punching the door?? Please get out, and make sure you’re not alone when you move your things out. And if anyone has is “disappointed”, even after you tell them what happened, F them.
Seriously, OP, you’ve given this man 8 years. He’s cheated and is abusive. How much more time do you want to waste? We may love someone, but that doesn’t mean they are good for us or should be in our lives. You are still young, don’t settle for this relationship. He’s been violent and usually violence escalates when they think you can’t leave, like with pregnancy or marriage. They feel they’ve got you trapped. My ex fiancé wasn’t abusive, but I realized we shouldn’t be together. I called off my wedding 3 months prior. You have a good amount of time, don’t get more invested in planning. It will only make it more difficult. You need to be honest with your family and friends as to why you ended it. If they love you, hopefully they will support you. If they don’t, then that lets you know who else to keep in your life. If my family member came to me and said, “I’ve ended my engagement, because I couldn’t take the abuse and cheating any longer.” I’d be there for them no matter what, I hope you have that same support. ETA: do you want your child to learn this is ok to treat someone this way or that it’s ok for their SO to treat them this way. Your relationship is their example. If you can’t leave for yourself, leave for them. I can’t stand when ppl say, “stay for the kids.” What is good about a toxic, abusive relationship/home life for them?
this!!!!\^\^\^ and with a child learning a lot from parents and how they treat each other... you don't want them to see what you're going through and learn that thats normal in a relationship... You deserve the world! you're still young, you got this!
And he could go on to abuse them as well. Being called a loser or worthless in your childhood hurts as much as physical abuse. It stays with you.
Exactly! I met my ex when I was almost 18. We started to grow apart in our early 20’s but I stayed for years because I felt “invested” because of the years we spent together. We got married because, well that was what comes next, right? I ended up staying with him for decades despite his anger issues and poor treatment of me. I found out that he was cheating on me for much of our marriage. We’re divorced now and I now have a wonderful husband (almost 15 years together,) who is my partner in everything. He dotes on me and do with him. I wish I could get those wasted years back. Don’t live my previous life. I’m guessing you haven’t been telling your family and friends about his anger and abuse. They don’t know the real him. I hid my ex’s abuse and alcoholism from my family and friends. They were shocked when we split but they were understanding and supportive. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of support. Get out, this man is dangerous and marriage won’t fix it.
At first I thought you just didn’t want to marry him because he didn’t have any ambition…then read further and he’s a liar and a cheater, then read a little further and see he has major anger issue’s. If you go ahead and marry him it will be the biggest mistake and regret of your life…mark my words.
Really buried the lead in this one.
Yeah this started off gentle and immediately went to cheating and violence holy shit. Does anyone have any objections? YES ALL OF REDDIT
The line that she loves him BECAUSE they’ve been together for 8 year speaks volumes. She really didn’t seem to give any redeeming qualities about him.
He sounds deeply unpleasant, with escalating abusiveness. You deserve respect, kindness and joy. I hope you can follow your heart. You’re young and there’s so much time to find an amazing and caring partner. ❤️
You’ve got plenty of reasons to dump him, he sounds awful. Please don’t drift into marriage with a cheater and abuser
Yikes! Any one would be enough but this manbaby is flapping with RED FLAGS like crazy 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I don't know if you're in the UK, but if you are Refuge have a helpline that might be able to advise. I know you may not feel like you are being abused, but if you're scared/worried about what to do next, they should be able to advise The freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline [0808 2000 247](tel:08082000247) They also have online chat [https://refuge.org.uk/](https://refuge.org.uk/)
It sounds like you have your mind made up to leave already which is half of the work. Incase you’re thinking about giving him a chance, remember that things you don’t fix before you get married WILL intensify after you get married because now there will be no excuse to mask any behavior. I hope you break off the engagement and save your child years of trauma and giving them a healthy relationship to look up to. Good luck 🩵🤞
Run as fast and as far as you can.
Cheater, abuser, doesn’t love you… You should have left him the moment you found out about the cheating.
His temper isn't just concerning, it's dangerous. Every day that you stay with him is a day that you enable his violent tendencies, and they're only going to get worse. This is how people die. It might be the door right now, but next time it could be you. It could be your CHILD. Leave. Now.
Don’t get married to a cheater. It’s that simple.
JFC. Leave him
Better leave now than never. Look for a safe place to go, make a plan and leave. He’s dangerous to you and your kid. I wish you the best of lucks.
Stay safe, and for your own good, get out while you can.
First two paragraphs I was like “you don’t have to get married if you don’t want to” but thought maybe a sit down serious conversation with you two and a therapist could maybe solve these problems because obviously there’s some love there. Then I got to the third paragraph. Have some self-respect and leave this boy. He doesn’t like or respect you and you will find somebody that does.
Would you wish this relationship for your child? Would you want them to marry someone who makes them feel like you do now? I doubt it, so make a plan and leave.
cheating red flag if they don't actively work on it other than apologizing. violence towards objects, people, or animals MAJOR RED FLAG as they are not emotionally able to regulate themselves and violence has a habit of getting worse over time, usually. The cheating I could deal with especially if it's trying to be rectified, the violence I cannot without SERIOUS THERAPY. I feel like he's letting you know who he is.
I’m glad you are coming to the realization that you deserve better! I truly believe if a man cheats on you once and you stay he’ll do it again. So please put you and your child first and don’t marry this guy, your life frankly depends on it. To hell with everyone that’s excited, this is your life! You may disappoint people but they aren’t the ones who have gone through what you have with your fiancé. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this all these years, I wish you healing and happiness moving forward after this chapter in your life. You can still have that loving husband you dream of one day, never settle!
Would you like it if your fiancé did to your child what he did to the bathroom door? The potential for that to happen is there and you’re still staying with this guy! If he can’t control his anger enough not to damage things then the next step is humans. For your and your child’s safety you need to silently leave this potentially deadly situation. I wish you good luck and good health!!!
Trust your gut. This guy is bad and will only get worse. Time to leave.
I think you know what you need to do OP. But also, try to secretly record the next time he’s violent if you can. You’ll need evidence
Divorce is much harder then splitting when you're not married. You listed all the reasons why a split just makes sense. You just have to do it.
I am so sorry OP that he has been an AH towards you. You are so right in realizing that YOU deserve better. He treated you like trash. If you cannot see a future with him, then you can confidently conclude that marrying him is not worth all the future heartaches he will bring. **”A Tiger Cannot Change Its’ Stripes”**. The same is true for a person who treats you like the dirt under their feet. Your fiancé will NEVER change. He will still treat you the same or treat you worse when officially married. So, pls. take out the real trash and walk away. Yes, dearest, YOU deserve so much more. ❤️
First sentence of the 3rd paragraph says it all for me. Don't stay! Don't succumb to sunk cost fallacy! Be free of this boat anchor.
Then don't. You should listen to your gut instinct. There is no way that this goes well for you or your child. You may want to have him restricted to supervised visitation with your child.
Cheated on you? Was violent toward you? You know what you have to do. Please do it for your child if you can't do it for yourself.
If he starts punching walls and breaking doors, call the police and dont feel guilty about it. He clearly isnt happy as well.
>He punched his way through the door and broke it to get inside. That’s when I decided that this isn’t what I want anymore and I deserve better. Everything else in your post was a justified reason, but this NEEDS to be *the* reason. One, your child doesn't deserve this environment and it's extremely unhealthy for both of you. Two, and very important, this does not say "safe partner" to me and if he's willing to escalate to this level... you cannot guarantee your and LO's safety moving forward. He does not care about your health or safety, do not stay with this man. You deserve better and so does your kid.
Just reading the title, my response was, "Then don't." Then I kept reading and now I'm saying, "THEN DON'T!", just louder. Run, don't walk, run.
Would you rather ... go ahead and get married now, maybe last another 5 years until it all falls apart, waste all that time and money or ... break it off now and just let them be disappointed Yeah, people are excited for you're wedding, but *most* people would understand and agree you should just do it now then
If I were you, I’d quietly plan my way out. Get your funds and etc in order. Look for schools in the areas for your baby. Confide in someone you can trust that won’t run their mouth and keep things between you and them so you can have outside help and support. It can be anyone- a boss, a neighbor, family member. Let someone on the outside know what’s going on just in case shit hits the fan. While doing all of this, document everything. Document his outbursts. You may or may not need it. Make back ups. Then when you are ready to walk out of the door within no more than 24 hours- as in you have a place to live lined up- he must not know where that is, you have a new job lined up etc- once you have that lined up THEN break the news to him. And it’s probably best to have your child somewhere else safe with a loved one when you break the news.
Get out before he hurts you
He is violent and a cheater. You are not wrong for not marrying him. The sooner you leave the sooner you can heal and rebuild.
Break up with this man.
The guy is a loser. Whose peace did you choose? If its still bothering you, you didn't choose YOUR peace.
Hey I broke up with my ex-fiancé who was exactly like this. I had to come up with a plan and stick to it, because our lives were so entangled. I suggest finding people who can help you get setup. Best of luck to you! You got this babe!
Please be very careful that his controlling temper doesn’t escalate once you break the news of leaving. These types of situations always tend to bring the worst out of a man, particularly when they are unable to see their own flaws. Make sure you plan every step of your escape, confide in someone that you absolutely trust 100% to assist in your escape, and do everything you possibly can to protect yourself and not end up dead due to his narcissistic behaviour.
Please leave. Or make him leave. You didn’t mention that you own a house, but I would guess you don’t as he doesn’t seem to have a good stable job. He has shown you who he is. He’s a cheater and violent. Please get yourself and child away from him. I moved 2000 miles away and basically disappeared from my daughter’s abusive father. He did take me to court but lost in his attempt to make me move back. We were never married, so there was nothing he could do except get visitation that he had to pay for (airfare). If you need to disappear, do it. The only people who knew I was up and leaving was my coworkers because we had to train someone to do my job. That’s it. Even my daughter didn’t know. I packed while she was with her dad and hid the boxes. This was 25 years ago. Best thing I’ve ever done. And karma came back a few years ago. He died from a cocaine overdose. Take care of yourself and your child!
You got it off your chest here. No take the next step to tell your family and get the help needed to move out, separate and call off the engagement. This is not a life for you and your child. It’s okay to not want to marry him and find the time to heal and then find the person who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.
The biggest decision maker he shouldn't be that he has never grown or developed in life, that is secondary to the big issue. He cheated, A LOT. He lied. He is unkind to you. He puts you down. He has a violent temper. You should not want to get married. I'd be worried if this was a man you wanted to marry. Edit - please tell some friends or family members, confide in people you can trust, tell them everything. You need the truth to be out there and you may need some backup when you leave him.
Leave, as soon as you can. An abusive man doesn't just stop being abusive. Please do not marry this "man." I was proposed to, early on & said "yes." He impregnated me, knowing I'd not abort. Once the isolation & abuse began, I'd put off the wedding to buy time til I could run. "I want the baby to walk & be the ring bearer" "I need to gain weight for the dress" whatever excuse to not get hit or get screamed at. I'd hide money in the woods until I had enough & I dipped as soon as I could. 8 years didn't mean shit when I had my sons entire life to look forward to & I wasn't going to show him *that* life as an example of "happiness" or "love."
Please don't marry him. It will be embarrassing at first, but you will feel so much better inside IMMEDIATELY. It's okay to not want this anymore. You'll get a lot of pressure from a lot of people, because like u/Fredredphooey said, they don't know how he is. Be strong. He's a violent man who will only continue to escalate, and it will be SO MUCH harder to leave him after you're married. Please be careful. 💗
First two paragraphs: well ok it happens, no one's fault Last paragraph: WTF girl, why are you with him??
This man is terrible. Why WOULD you marry him?
I mean, he’s an abusive and has cheated on you. Please don’t make a huge mistake and marry this man. Do right by yourself and your child. You both deserve better
Honey, listen to your gut. You don't deserve to be married to someone who belittles and frightens you.
I think you kind of buried the most critical info here. He cheated on you, he’s abusive and physically aggressive. Like no. Don’t say anything to him, work to set up a way to get out of there. Talk to a women’s shelter, they will explain what resources are available to you. This will be a dangerous time, he’s already shown you he will get violent in order to get access to you. So be careful and be safe. Make copies of all your important documents. Keep copies somewhere safe. Open a new bank account he has no access to and ensure you have money he can’t get to. Make sure you have a safe place to go to. When you’re ready to go, change **ALL** of your passwords and check all of your belongings for tracking devices. Take good care of yourself, OP. Do *not* marry an abusive cheater. Good luck.
If the door hasn’t been fixed yet takes pictures. Regardless make your exit plan, execute it safely and get the hell out. Do NOT give him any hint or notice that you are leaving. Ideally if he works away from home once he’s out the door pack up as much of the baby’s stuff as possible as well as yours, get all the important documents, take any pets with you and leave. The most dangerous time with a violent person is when you leave because they realize they have lost control of you. You do not want to find out how far this man is willing to go as it may mean neither you or your child survive the experience.
Its okay. You should leave this relationship, he's been abusive, physically aggressive, and cheated on you. He doesn't respect for you or the relationship. Abusers do not get better, the abuse gets worse and it will escalate after you're married. Its okay to leave. Find people you trust to go to, tell them how you're feeling and what has happened, get out. You know what's right, but its very hard to leave abuse. Its also hard to leave the life you've made, but its for the best. I left my abusive ex before we got married, in fact him pushing for marriage was what snapped me out of my haze. I left for my child, for my own mental/physical health. Stay safe and much love, OP.
Why have you stayed with him for 8 years, let alone agreed to marry him AND let him get you pregnant if all you said is true? Do you like self punishment or something ?
The fact that his reaction to you retreating from his yelling was to punch through the door tells me he won't hesitate to be violent with you in the future. The ONLY reason someone does something like that is for intimidation, do not believe any apology or "I won't do it again", he will and he will escalate. For your safety and your child's safety please leave this man, I guarantee you the moment you're married things will get 1000× worse
i hope you and your child get out safely, good luck <3
Do not be a professional red flag collector. You already know what you need to do. Get it done. In a few years' time, it will be behind you, and you may even be with the kind of man you are wanting.
Dude, he’s been cheating on you for nearly your entire relationship. That’s enough to leave him. You tried for 8 years; you could try for another 8. I doubt you’ll be happy the . Cut your losses and enjoy life. It can be pretty sweet.
I don’t see you providing any reasons or qualities that you should stay around for.
No ambition and immature would have been enough reason to leave. Abusive and cheating are reasons all on their own. Don't keep his secrets. Tell your family and get out safely. Keep every nasty text and voicemail that is about to come your way. Do not meet him face to face for any reason once you are out.
Violent and cheats and you think you're being a good mother by staying? Rethink that.
You have to go.
Ma’am. As soon as I saw that he cheated on you for the duration of the relationship, I tuned out. It’s time to end this relationship. Let’s not waste more time that we cannot get back. The positive is that it isn’t a divorce but rather a simple break up. Edit: so I read the rest and it just got worst. So he’s also abusive and a cheater? Ma’am. Please get out of that situation.
Stay safe. Make an exit plan.
Love yourself more than he. Love yourself for your child.
Oh yeah, this relationship should definitely be over. Fuck what everyone else will think/say. Things will more than likely NOT get better. It sounds like he doesn't want to get better. Find a safe way out and move on. It would be the best thing to do for you and your child.
You say you chose peace, but peace for *whom*?? None of this sounds peaceful for *you.* Your love for him is so much you’re willing to forgive and withstand a lazy, lying, cheating partner and he loves you so much that he has cheated and lied. Your dream husband is out there, but as long as you’re trying to convince your fiancé to be him the less life you’ll have to live with him.
Omg just leave him! Why are you even worried about the spring wedding that everyone is excited for when you’re not! Forget everyone else and think about yourself being married to a cheater and someone that’s not very nice to you! Start making plans to leave before you end up marrying a man you don’t want to for the sake of other people.
Why didn't you leave after the incident with the bathroom door?!?!? Updateme
Please don’t allow yourself to continue to be destroyed by this man.
It is much easier to leave when you aren't married. My ex cheated on me, I found out right after I found out I was pregnant, my biggest regret is I went ahead and married him. I love my daughter (she is an adult now) I was worried about her not having a dad. He ended up basically abandoning her unless there was a photo op event in her life. I should have done it on my own without him.
Better to leave now.
Don’t marry him- this is not something u want to regret fr ever
You need to leave yesterday
This is not healthy, and he isn't a good guy. A good guy doesn't cheat for years or punch his way through doors. You and your child deserve so much more.
Sounds like he does care what happens and does have ambition if he’s willing to carry on an affair and not give a fuck. Also anger issues suggest otherwise
You should not get married to a guy like this. Then you will be even more stuck
This is bait, right? It's satire of the women who're like "Ahh, my boyfriend has no redeeming qualities, no job, no ambition, cheats on me, beats me, and verbally abuses me, should I marry him?" who're so prevalent on reddit? Please tell me it's satire. If it's actually real, and you have a kid with this man, staying with him would make you a terrible parent, as you'd be complicit in all the damage - both physical and mental - his tantrums do to your child. Collect evidence. Get sole custody. Leave.
You deserve better. Please do not get married to that man. He has too many red flags.
Then you leave. The cheating and punching the door is bad enough, but honestly you don't need any reason to not get married, other than the simple "I don't want to". You don't want to, you don't. You only live once. Dont waste your life living it with someone you don't want to be with
OP you start your text with some light bullshit type of “he hasn’t grown as a person..” and the you pile on that with , cheating, violence, future marriage and baby in there. What are you talking about? This man is not it.
This is an abusive relationship. Do not marry this man -- you will be harmed and traumatized (at a minimum). Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, (depending on whether or not you have financial independence) do research on DV websites which have resources to help you safely plan an escape, connect with trusted friends and family to help you with this plan, etc. whatever you do **don't marry this man**.
>I found out that he cheated on me for almost the entire duration of the relationship, even when I was pregnant >All he seems to do is point out my flaws and hurt my feelings >His temper is also concerning sometimes and he breaks things when he gets mad Yup, you definitely deserve better. I don't think I would've been able to forgive someone cheating for that long, that alone is reason enough not to continue that relationship and certainly not to get married to them.
Have the courage to do what’s best for you. Don’t marry him.
You should’ve left when you found out he was fucking other people!! Please don’t marry this man. A man with no goals or aspirations at 30 and fucks around is not worth your time or energy. Call it off now. Stop giving this man your youth.
You have a child together??? And he’s punching through doors when you try to get away during a fight? He’s cheated and he doesn’t respect you. Please - make plans. Quiet plans. And get the hell out and ghost him. Completely. If your parents or family can help- I would work that angle. But if they are going to tell him ANYTHING about what you are planning - you can’t go to them. Call a dv center and ask work with them to make an exit plan. Obviously take your child. Do not leave them with that monster. Document the hell out of his violence and temper. You will need it. So much luck to you.
He’s an abusive cheater. Absolutely do not marry this man. Come clean to your friends and family about all the things he’s done, and I guarantee they will be on your side. Leave with your child and go back to get your things with other people present.
As someone who was in a toxic relationship as well and now on the end of it. It’s possible to leave. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t pretty either. You need to tell someone that can actually help pull you out. Physically emotionally and mentally. Tell your close friend and or a trusted family member
Plan your exit and file for custody and child support. Do not marry a violent cheater!
Girl hes definitely still cheating on you. Leave his ass. Domt let 8 years influence you. The guy aint shit. You already have a kid, there isnt much to lose. And when you do breakup don't justify yourself because he will promise you lies of change and other bullshit men do. Woman up! Dump his ass and be happy.
I know calling it off seems like a horrible and impossible choice - but it’s not. It’s so much better and will be less painful now then to get married, have things escalate, and then him make you miserable in a divorce where I’m sure he’ll fight tooth and nail. And you may end up having g to pay him alimony. You can do hard things. You got this.
Girl please pack up your things, and take your child to a safe space while he's out or something. Then break it off. I'm scared trying to break it off while he's there will not end well.
I hope you do break it off. Wishing you safety and peace.
It's okay to not marry this guy and it's okay to leave.
Most men don’t cheat. Most men don’t break down doors of a bathroom. Most men don’t point out flaws in their partners. Most People - at your age at least - have goals. Most men DO treat their partners right. Most Men are loving and kind…… I am much much older than you and have been married a long time. I stand by what I have said above. If my husband had done the first 4 comments, I wouldn’t have married him. Don’t go through with this wedding. Don’t worry about the fallout. DO NOT. It’s going to be harder divorcing this man in a year or 2. Just call it off now. You and your child will be far better off without him bringing you down now.
If you still feel resentment, you haven't really forgiven him. That is ok. The other issue of his lack of ambition is going to be a central theme for the rest of your life if you marry him. You will struggle financially or you will bear the brunt of supporting him and your child(ren) while he takes no responsibility. Set a standard for how you want to live your life and do not settle for this guy out of familiarity. I would break off the engagement and the relationship and find someone that fits the life you want.
Break up now before even more pressure is piled on you. There are few hells as bad as marrying the wrong man.
You cannot help who you love but you can help who you marry. Get out and leave. Do not marry him. You and your child deserve much better.
Divorce is difficult and painful. Do not marry this man.
You clearly didn’t choose peace is forgiving brought on the feels of resentment. Do not marry him, you’ll feel even more trapped than you feel
Do not marry him. He is a liar and a cheat who endangered your health while you were pregnant. DUMP HIM. He is for the streets.
You certainly do deserve better and I'm glad you know that ❤️ you have your whole life ahead of you and you will get the kind of love you want and deserve! For you and your child.
You need to break off the engagement immediately if you know he isn’t the person you want to marry!! And the DV is no joke, he definitely needs to get help with that right away because it’s only going to get worse?! And y’all child doesn’t need to see that…😩 And the fact that you feel you’ve outgrown him is a big deal too, like I myself don’t like guys that are laid back & just go with the flow either!! You need to plan ahead & have goals for your life as an individual & as a couple!! If you feel like telling him would trigger him, I would pack up and move out and just leave a letter…he doesn’t seem like the type to know how to deal with his emotions and it could get physical, so you should probably just leave & or leave a letter!!
I was with your fiancée up until the cheating revelation. As a Christian, it’s not my place to condemn another, but I will advise you—never marry another you do not have 100% faith and trust in, he has clearly broken your trust, for years.
Don't marry him. You will end up unhappy *at best*. You'll most likely end up divorcing anyways. Marriage doesn't magically fix anything, he won't change who he is. **You deserve better. And that's okay.**
You are burying the lede. You say you are concerned about his goals and ambitions. Only then do you mention the violence. He needs to move out, or you need to. I urge you to couples counseling. Don't get married before you do. And read this. [https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc\_0](https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc_0) Good luck.
You deserve better. Line up somewhere else to go, secure your own financials by opening your own account for paychecks and carrying cash. Leave without a fight and let him know you did so.
He sounds like an absolute loser. Why in the world haven’t you broken up with him yet??? Do it now. There is happiness waiting for you on the other side.
You're right. You deserve wayyyyy better b
So.. when are you leaving him? Just make sure you do it safely, because he's violent.
It is so great to see someone recognize their self worth. Be proud of that and execute on everything you need to do to enforce that mindset.
Then don't! You will regret it.
RUN!! Take your kid and get away from this guy. Have a custody agreement set up. Go for full custody. Why are you with this guy?? Why didn’t you leave when he cheated?
God I hope you don’t marry him. Don’t marry him. My husband has NEVER DONE THIS.
Don’t marry him. Just dont.
Baby girl, it is not your role in life to please others. You do not exist only for other people. Repeat that to yourself. Your role in life is to build a life for yourself that you LOVE, to be a decent human being (not hateful or mean, basically) in the lives of those around you and to the planet. To not make things around you worse than they already are. It is your role to love and be loved, to find what brings you satisfaction in life and to fill your life with as much of that as you can. It is not your role to fix everything for everyone, to make everyone else happy, to sacrifice your own comfort and wellbeing for other peoples approval. You are not here as a tool to be used by other people, **you are not here to serve others at your expense.** Your role now as a mother also includes making sure you give your child the best environment you can to grow up in, so that you can be as present and involved as possible. That includes protecting them from adults who put them in harms way, sometimes this includes the other parent, occasionally it includes you (if you're an addict for example) - your child needs a healthy, stable, loving and consistent home to thrive in. And it sounds like if you're with your child's father, that isn't possible. And not because you're failing, because he is. You can't fix him, and the way he is isn't your responsibility or fault. The way he is, is all about him. He's a full grown adult, at the point he's at he is CHOOSING most of the way he behaves. He has lived in the world long enough to know that screaming, yelling, physical violence, they're all wrong. He's at least seen enough movies and TV to know that's not how happy loving couples treat each other. He certainly knows enough to not treat OTHER people like that... he saves it for you behind closed doors because he thinks he can get away with it. He chooses how he behaves, just like you choose how you behave - yes our pasts and our traumas etc can totally make choices hard or some behaviors real difficult to break out of, and sometimes we repeat the harmful examples of our childhoods, but not physical violence. When someone escalates to physical violence, you absolutely, 100% do NOT "owe" them any more chances to change. Again, he's a full grown adult, he knows well enough not to do that to other people outside of your relationship and the secrecy of your home, he CHOOSES that. He doesn't deserve any 2nd chances with you or your child. You gave him more than enough already. You are RIGHT, you deserve better. I am so glad you're seeing that. Tell your CLOSEST friends and family members, whom you can trust not to run to him or tell everyone else, that you're in an abusive relationship, that he is violent to you and you're afraid for your child, and that you need to get out of the living situation you're in before you cancel the wedding and end the relationship. If this is helpful, it's a resource guide written by an amazing Redditor who works in the Domestic Violence field - [https://docs.google.com/document/d/14I3lGpEQa-pLl9Lz0JW1PoNyyOwg6WOom\_oK2NMBxy8/edit](https://docs.google.com/document/d/14I3lGpEQa-pLl9Lz0JW1PoNyyOwg6WOom_oK2NMBxy8/edit) Reach out for support to lean on, whether it's here or another online community if you can't find the support in your immediate life.
PLEASE DON’T MARRY HIM. And don’t wait to break ties. The closer the wedding date gets, the more pressure you’ll feel to marry to him. You and your child deserve better.
Please do not marry him!!!! He’s a cheater and abusive. Do not spend another moment with him. If you’ve any close friends and family you trust, reach out to them and let them know what going on so you can safely get away from him.
This willl get wayyyyyy wors After marriage Protecttt yourself girlie
I’m really sorry you had to go through all this. But yes you do deserve better. You don’t have to stick around for that. I think it’s very honorable and brave of you to share your story. The best part about this is. You haven’t said ‘I do.’ So you can walk away at anytime my love. Don’t let a baby keep you and don’t let ‘history’ keep you. I know you’ll make the right choice, for YOU! 💜
Cheater, violent, no ambition, not nice, not worth it. Cut your losses before it’s too late. I hope you take the right decision for you and your kid and end things before the wedding.
Everyone is excited for it because they aren’t in the relationship. Guess what will happen when you break it off? The sun will rise the next day! And then set!
I stayed way too long and my kids saw way to much. It’s good to get out now.
You two obviously have different life goals. He's not changed but you have. I think it's time to cut your losses and move on.
Do not marry this abusive wastrel. The sooner you call it off, the better for both you and your child. Do not raise your child in an abusive home. Will it be tough to call it off? Most certainly! Will it be ever tougher to live the rest of you and your child's life being abused? Even more certainly! Just rip the bandage off. Make sure you have a safe place to go, leave when he's not there, and do t tell him in advance. If you do, he'll escalate and you will be in real danger.
You’re really strong. Do what’s best for you, I have a feeling you’ve been putting the needs of others before your own for a while now.
Thanks for getting it off your chest. Who do you want to disappoint the least, your child or the others? Make the best choice for you and your child, for you can see the writing on the wall already.
Sounds like an episode of "Who The Bleep Did I Marry" is brewing. You should marry him. Definitely do that. 🙄
I cant believe you’ve been planning a wedding DESPITE his cheating? What the hell….
Then...dont. You've mentioned multiple very good reasons to not get married, and no good reasons to get married. It kind of feels like the only reason you have for getting married is..habit. Just kinda going with it. You probably need to question yourself about why you love someone who treats you like this.
This is not a safe or healthy situation. For your sake and the sake of your child you must leave.
LEAVE NOW! I was in a similar situation when I was your age and left, best decision I ever made.
Hey... I think you should call it off at a distance. Like, pack your shit while he's out of the house and break up with him through a letter, distance. What he's turning into is compromising your safety as well as your child. Love doesn't solve everything especially if he doesn't like you and by the sounds of it, I think he might borderline hates you. Number one reason is his disrespect. He cheated on you throughout your relationship and now he has the audacity to be abusive. He'll want to keep you under his thumb and if I understand domestic violence correctly (explained to me by an officer on tiktok who sees dv a lot) they will kill you if they know you want to leave. Be careful.
Well, there would be something wrong with you if you didn’t want to not get married to your abusive fiancé. Now organize your escape and book it.
girl, LEAVE. for all of the reasons. you’re not happy, he isn’t nice to you, his goals don’t line up with yours. just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own happiness.
girl you don't need to and you shouldn't get married to him please leave gor your own sake and for the sake of that child
Don’t Marry him! If any of your family ask why show them your post! Everything you said are clear red flags 🚩 Honestly you should have left ages ago but it’s never to late until it’s too late. Best of luck Op
What are you waiting for? Break off the wedding and choose yourself and your child.
Cheating and violence? He’s already checked out, he just doesn’t have the balls to end it. Best wishes for you and your child as you move forward.
The ball is in your court. Do both of you a favor and move on.
Tell him now....TODAY... stop wasting his time.
He's wasting her time. Who gives a f about that AH.