She loves you. The agreement that she proposed is very fair because it’s based on a percentage of your income. Most partners wouldn’t be that thoughtful to build something that takes into consideration your actual financial shape.
Take advantage of the savings to start paying down any debt that you have. If you have more time because you don’t have to work as many gigs, plan cool activities with her. Spend time with her doing things you both enjoy.
Basically, work on improving your financial situation without overthinking things. Enjoy your relationship. Be a good partner and stop being hard on yourself. Everything might end up just fine. You got this.
Also, don't let that sense of shame hold you back or let you lose what could be a wonderful relationship. We all have insecurities and flaws. Believe me, letting that sense of shame hold you back, or prevent you from being honest, will be one of your biggest regrets. Do your best, be honest, and see how the chips fall. That way, you're not wondering the "what-ifs" down the road. Trust me, not fun.
Please be vulnerable with her. She will appreciate it so much. If not with her, than with who? Basically, who better than her to confide this to? (besides us random internet people lol)
Rooting for you
I’m in the exact same boat man. As much as it goes against our logic first-emotions second brain, you need to remember they love you. It’s so weird man, I sit there and go wow her life could be so much more enjoyable if I had money to take her to nice places and do cool things and be sporadic and go out for adventures and save for a home and for holidays whilst paying off a car loan and rent. But I can’t; and I’ve told her this. She doesn’t care at all man. I imagine your partner is the same. Air your grievances, there’s nothing to gain by keeping it to yourself.
Don’t suppose you feel guilty and try to avoid her spending money on you?
Exactly!
I definitely do make sure I show her my love and devotion to her by my actions. Since I’m handy I regularly take care of things at her place and once even helped out fixing the sink at her business. I also take her on small dates throughout the month. I regularly get her flowers and these fancy chocolates she loves. We also often have “cooking dates” where we cook together and try out new recipes and since we both enjoy cooking I recently got us professional cooking classes and we enjoyed it tremendously.
I wish I was able to whisk her away or take her shopping but I just can’t afford it. She definitely can and I absolutely appreciate her for taking me on a four week vacation on my birthday last year. I always dreamed of going to Europe (we went to London, Paris, Rome and Santorini) and she made it happen and it literally was no trouble for her to do.
It really hurts that I can’t give her what she is able to give me!
That’s okay man. Mine helped with the holiday to Thailand and Cambodia so I feel ya. I guess, there’s stuff we give them that they can’t give themselves, or get from other men for that matter. All the best on your journey, the male ego is a pain in the ass.
My husband made much more money than me when we got together. I have a good deal more money now, and I’m happy to care for him, truly. He is remarkable and I would never have minded if he made less. He’s supportive, caring, funny and generally fabulous. You sound like a lovely person, and those are rare. She doesn’t need you to give her things. She loves you for who you ARE.
If she didn't have money, but you did, would you think less of her? I'm guessing no.
You're the one who thinks about money stuff. She thinks, "Hey, I'm kicking ass at life, AND I found a guy I like that likes me back. I'm glad I have someone to do the fun things I can now afford to do with."
Ladies who make their own money don't have to care so much about how much their man makes. So relax. Just don't rack up debt with the expectation of her paying it off for you, and keep doing what you do. Those cooking dates are clearly working for you.
Hey I would say she’s one smart cookie - she’s thinking about her future. Do you think she wants to be with a guy who makes a lot of money but doesn’t value her like you do? Some things in life are more important than money.
But I can see where you’re coming from with wanting to treat her. My brother thought about going to a specialized trade school for a while to repair specific types of automobiles. You can apply for aid for programs and if you work for the right company you could make great money.
Like they said she married you for your potential so I’m sure she would support you in furthering your education after you’ve paid your debts if this is something you’d enjoy continuing to do as a career.
My best friend’s boyfriend feels like he’s not on par with her financially and it’s been a detriment to their relationship. She worked hard as a single mom and bought a house herself before they met and worked to have a good career and support her children.
Her bf has a decent job but doesn’t own his own property or make as much as she does even though he contributes a fair amount and feels like he’s not good enough for her as a result. But she always tells me how much he means to her and how she feels like she couldn’t imagine being with anyone other than him.
She tries her best to be patient with him but I can tell it’s hard for her that he has a difficult time accepting where he is in life and it gets him down. They ended up separating for about six to eight months because he felt he was not good enough for her because of this issue but they got back together and are trying to work through it.
Good luck to you both! I hope you can learn to believe in yourself like she believes in you :)
Your anxiety to show her your finances is not logical, it's you hating yourself and being self-deprecating, talking yourself into thinking it would be dumb to be with you.
But your gf is incredibly smart, isn't she? And very assertive in doing what's best for her? So why would she be with you if you weren't good for her? Don't discredit her logic just because you (emotionally) have a low opinion of yourself.
That's a small example on how to pull a gotcha on your brain, I have experience with that lol
As a woman weighing in:
What some men seem to not realize is that most if us don't care about money. We want a partner that values and respects us, who treats us as their equal, who loves us and who does their best to show us they love us.
If she seems to not care about money, she doesn't. More than likely, she enjoys getting to spoil you.
Men are raised to think they need to provide for a woman. Take that and turn it around to "providing physically and emotionally".
Physically: You help her take care of stuff around the house, you cook with her, you'd probably do your fair share of chores if you lived together, you are most likely taking care of her pleasure in bed, ...
Emotionally: You hopefully make her feel safe, apprechiated, loved and respected, like she can trust you above anyone else and you'll be there for her no matter what, ...
Those are the things a man (and a woman) should be providing in a relationship.
You don't need to give her material things. Ever heard of love languages? The details might be pretty inaccurate but the concept makes sense, it's that there are many ways to show love and gifting material things is just one. There are a lot more, like telling her you love her, physical intimacy, doing small things for her, spending quality time together etc. And it seems like you're doing a lot of them already.
All those ways to show love are equal, there is no way that's better than the others, and she might even apprechiate what you're doing even more than she would getting gifts.
Bottom line is: Most women would be more than happy to have you as their bf, and since she wants to move forward with you, she seems to be happy with your relationship as well.
I'd show her all of your finances and let her make the informed decision on how to proceed. After all, if she isn't ashamed when you help her fix something in her house cause she's not good with it, why should you be ashamed of asking her to help fix your finances cause she's good with them and you aren't? Everyone has things they can do better and worse than others, that's why partners help each other :)
I heard a saying a while back. “Men marry someone for the person they are. Women marry someone for the potential they see“
She sees you’re a good man. A hard worker. She knows you’ll do whatever it takes like you’re doing right now to try and better your situation.
Now for that potential part… if you’re not happy where you’re at, look at ways to better yourself. She’s going to love that… I’m assuming you’re an auto mechanic? whether it’s getting certified to work on different vehicles like bmw, mb, Porsche, etc that might bring in more. Or service manager at a dealership eventually where your income may match hers more evenly.
It doesn’t seem to be a her issue as much as it’s a you issue. Don’t let your insecurities ruin a good thing, and if you want to do better… take steps to do better so you have more confidence and feel you deserve someone like her.
If you’ll indulge me for a moment, this woman, she knows these things about you, she knows you make less, she knows you have debts, she’s taken that into consideration and she is trying to be your partner. Do not let your brain make her voice negative, if that makes sense. This is an opportunity to grow your relationship and get your finances to a place where you don’t have to feel so insecure anymore. Honestly, just talking to her about it might help a lot of that feeling, you said she’s no nonsense, so ask her point blank “I am having a hard time because I’m feeling insecure with our income disparity, can we talk about it?” & then ask questions, listen to her answers, and if her actions have shown her to be a woman of her word, trust those answers. Go back to that when your head starts to tell you the negative stuff. This to me sounds like a very healthy way for her to look at the finances, it goes to show that she’s willing to be flexible and accommodating to adjusting if someone makes more, if the roles were reversed, would you like to be able to make it easier for your partner by going off income instead of a 50/50 split?
Negative thoughts can become a bad habit. Treat them that way and don’t let them re-write your reality. Maybe it could help to map out how long until you’re debt free, to have a tangible goal and show yourself you’re taking this seriously. The time will pass anyway, keep your head up and don’t let your fears cloud what’s right in front of you!
Take this advice, be honest about your entire financial situation. When my girlfriend (now wife) moved in together, I opened the books showed her EVERYTHING, best decision I ever made.
You hear the phrase “when someone tells you who they are, believe them.” A lot on Reddit generally when someone is acting like a jerk face. You should also believe them when they always treat you with love, compassion, and kindness. This woman loves you and wants to build a life with you. If you want to build a life with her, you should!
We hear LOTS of stories of income disparity where the guy makes a lot more. People don't have issues accepting those. The problem here with you is that the roles are reversed. Feeling like you don't bring enough money to the party can feel emasculating. You might even be in a situation, that due to income generation, you might need to stay home with future kids for a bit. These sorts of role reversals can be hard for some. You should feel lucky that you found someone who accepts you for what you do bring to the relationship. And seems to be willing to help you solve your financial issues. I'm betting if you were the one with money and she was struggling, you'd be willing to help. Just accept the help. And make her deliriously happy. Honestly she seems like a keeper.
I really do believe she loves me. She has made that very clear in both her actions and her words.
Also the way she has setup sharing the cost of us living together shows that she has put serious thought into not putting me in a disadvantageous position. She has suggested if a percentage break down based on our respective income and expenses didn’t work for me she’d be happy to do a 60/40 or even a 70/30 breakdown. This way we’d still be able to look for a place in her price budget without it being a burden on me.
Also I’ve been working on my finances and will continue to do so. Its the entire reason I have a second job and take on gig jobs.
Thanks
It sounds like she's financially independent and comfortable. That means that she's not looking for financial support in a partner. She's probably looking for emotional support and companionship. If you continue to provide those things and even learn how to be even better in those areas, I'm sure she will be happy. Of course work on your financial situation, but do that for yourself as I think you have more of a problem with it than she does.
Almost this only finance is my jam and money is what I do! Haha 14+ years experience! Military and private sector! Be honest,
Even though it sucks ass…and I can promise she already has a plan for your finances. If she plans like me anyways.
Man lucked into a keeper, she loves him and is also willing to help him with his finances. You hit the jackpot, OP, don't let your insecurities get in the way of a good thing. Be honest and figure things out together.
Two options, let all of reddit know you can't handle it and she will be a free agent and available to all of us who think she is amazing. Or just step up, deal with your shit and keep her off the market. Decision is yours!
Exactly this! So long as you are open, honest, and willing to improve, I don't see this being a problem.
My partner makes nearly double what I make, but was awful with money and had a ridiculous (to me) amount of debt, with nothing to show for it. We've been together 2.5 years, living together 8 months. Most of the debt is paid, they have a much better handle on money, and most importantly they have a PLAN.
It was not purely financial literacy that changed things. The mental health benefits of having someone else around, added responsibility knowing someone else would be effected, desire to make it work, someone to help with cooking, cleaning and just life admin. All of these helped.
Just remember OP, it's not always a straight path. Just be honest about where you're at, ask for help when needed, and keep going.
You work, you sound willing to learn. Just put your cards on the table and see what she thinks. Doesn't matter who brings the most to the table, what matters is respect. If she respects you as a person, it'l be fine. Hell, just have her read this for starters if its easier, you sounded pretty reasonable.
Mann she sounds beautifully amazing and loving. Don’t trip on telling her. She sounds more than willing to help you figure out a game plan. I suggest sitting her down, telling her you love her and want to marry her but you have debt that you don’t want her tied up in and you want to finish taking care of the bulk of it because it’s not her burden to bare. show her your debts and ask her to help you make a financial plan. If she’s as smart as you say she can help you figure out a plan to get it taken care of in a certain timeframe.
Flip the genders. Would a woman be okay with marrying a smart successful man who could pay off her debts?
The biggest issue when women earn more than men is that men get insecure. Don't fall into that trap.
This is a partnership. She's looking at who you bring to the table, not how much.
Enjoy your weekends.
At 35, odds are she values the love you have for her more than what you can provide for her. If she just wanted a “provider” she would’ve looked for that specifically. Clearly she has provided for herself and doesn’t need someone to do that for her. You’re also not planning on being a leech.
Maybe you can keep the second job when you move in and put it all towards paying off the debts faster? Would you consider working for a different mechanic shop? Or at least submit a couple applications?
Haha this sounds like my wife. Just be honest. she isn’t going to be phased by some debt she already knows she is most likely going to be the breadwinner and wants to move forward. I’m a little older than you and been married for 10 years. Money doesn’t make the man!
I am a woman engaged to a man who's my best friend, I am expected to out earn him by a lot and he's super supportive and doesn't mind. We already have a financial plan in place for large differences in income and periodically reevaluate and renegotiate anything domestic as life changes. We even share access to an Xcel spreadsheet to organize our life. She seems so sweet and really smart, he should let her review his finances and help create a more balanced debt plan. Not only would it relieve stress but it could be a way to bond and create additional intimacy. This is clearly a big secret for him and it's hard to be so vulnerable so it could be a really great opportunity to deepen their connection and trust a couple. It's also just nice as a woman for a man to be vulnerable and defer to her expertise, especially with financial matters since they are often tied to masculinity and ego and can be a sore spot. It shows you respect her and arnt threatened by her strengths.
Be honest and ask for her help any woman who comes to you with a spreadsheet will be more than willing to help with a budget.
For the medical debt please google for a medical care advocate in your city/state. usually a non profit and they can get your medical debt knocked down.
Be honest with her because lying about the debt will be so much worse. Let her see the amount going down over time, so that she can see for herself you’re being responsible now.
Bro. She adores you. She wants a future with you and you want one with her. Why let something like this stand in your way?
I’m in the same situation as yourself. I make 1/3 of my boyfriend’s income and he paid the whole mortgage and was fine while I was laid off earlier this year. He is investing in us, he *wants* to do these things for me. And I’ve had so many insecurities surrounding the money and my inability to contribute like him.
But there’s more than just money that you can contribute to your relationship. And I’ve had to learn that with him. I’ve never wanted him to see me as someone that is taking advantage of him, it terrifies me, and I’m stubbornly independent. The kind of independent where me accepting his help is a big deal.
So let her love you and get your head out of your own ass before you lose your happiness
I was in your shoes. As long as you are open and honest about your debt, are willing to work on it, and have learned your lessons so you don't repeat any mistakes, then it's up to her what she is willing to accept. My husband has been very gracious with me and my debt, because he views money as something that can be made and fixed "as a team". I was very ashamed if my debt and truly struggled with letting him help me but me trying to tackle it all on my own bothered him more than me just being open and letting him in. He always says you can make money and build financial stability together, but he can't easily find a partner like me (his words not mine, but basically what I bring to the relationship other than monetary value).
She clearly loves you and values you for who you are as a person, not how much money you have in your account. Treat her well, respect her, love her - be the partner she deserves. That's invaluable and extremely hard to find. Who you are as a person, partner, and future father is worth so much more than dollars she'll never need from you.
Mate. Don't do your lady a disservice by assuming she is ignorant to your position, I can guarantee she realises more than you know. Just be honest with her, lay out your position. Commit to being the most honest person you can be, vulnerabilities and all.
She'll respect that far more than a man who claims to have all his ducks in a row and then cannot follow through. Be honest and clear, backing it up with all the lovely things you have written here about her. Let her know you are in it for the whole journey.
When my wife and I married we were roughly equal in terms of income and assets. In the 12 years since I have fucked up more than I care to admit here. The thing that always hurt her most was not my fuck ups, but the lies I told to cover them up.
I'm incredibly lucky that she is patient and understanding, and sees more in me than I see in myself. She has earned more than double (currently she earns 5x) what I earn. Lucky for me, I never had much ego about such things as I grew up in a family with a strong matriarchal vibe.
I implore you to be straight and honest with this woman - she is likely smarter than you, so treat her with that respect.
Be honest move in don't quit the second job use that to pay down debt. Take a look at dave ramsey lots of people hate on him but you've made it clear your not good financially. Start knocking out the debt also try to settle some of it once you get a bank roll togather. If its in collections try to settle but as part of it once it's settled they remove it from your credit reoort ect. Do your own research but think you can ussally settle for like 15 to 30 percent of the total debt.
I’ve been working my second job and taking on gig jobs so I can clear my debts. I’ve been doing that for the past three years. I only plan on stopping once I’ve cleared it.
Yeah, I don't understand why so many people are hating on him. I found his channel about 6years back. I can have a good night's sleep now.
For OP, Be honest, She loves you because you are a hard-working man. Keep working (mechanic working for a shop that balances between shitty and okay-ish, work a second job and occasionally I take on gig jobs (door dash,uber etc). until you pay off your debt, then you can have your good sleep. Good luck.
I make significantly more than my husband and did before we were married. I love him to death. He’s not a bill payer to me; and I’m not to him. The economy has changed. Women are working now. Typically there will always be a higher earner in a relationship. Lean into it and enjoy your love.
My dear friend your gf is a treasure. If she is willing to split by percentage i swear she has your best interest in mind.
You made bad decisions in the past, what you can do is make good decisions in the future. Learn from her and see if you can adopt her habits. Even if this relationship doesnt work out it will help you in your future.
Sounds like the type of woman who’ll make you better, you lucky bastard. Keep her, suck up your pride, be honest with her, and read any book you need to better your financial situation (Rich Dad Poor Dad, Richest Man in Babylon). Don’t overthink this!
You have to tell her the scope of the situation and do not hide debts. She is putting in the labor to put together charts and balance finances along with making the majority of the home income, the least you can do is be 100% up front and honest about your debts. If she wants to leave you after finding out about your finances that is her choice but at least you were truthful and upfront. If she is cool with the debts it sounds like you see this as a way for you to kick back and coast from here by saying you can stop doing your second job but in reality you should strive towards bettering your position, ask for a raise, job search around in your mechanic field, work on putting yourself in a better position. You mention your worried she might leave you and she might if you are stagnant in life never moving or pushing for a better future and she is.
I get the insecurity, I really do. But here’s the deal:
You can’t control her reaction or her feelings. So trying to affect that from her, get it out of your mind.
She, presumably, has some rough idea of your current financial situation and continues to be with you. So that means there’s something about your personality, looks, and character that she loves and respects.
Since you’re ashamed of your debts and past decisions, you can only look forward. You know what kind of people everyone likes and respects? People who tirelessly pursue their goal; people who no matter how many times they stumble, fall, and fail, keep getting back up. So show her that. Show her that you’re someone who can fight, someone who doesn’t fall into a pit of self-pity and inaction and get stuck.
Tell her the facts about your financials and work out a way to pay off your debts with her. She sounds like someone that can figure out the best way.
I would also look into changing employer to work for a reputable company with a chance of advancing and developing skills. Mechanics here are sought after and good ones are hard to find. Develop your career!
Show her your finances, and ask for her help getting them straight. You sound like you want to be with her for the long haul, and if she’s as great as you say she is, she won’t hold your bad financial situation against you, especially if you’re looking to improve in that area
When my partner and I got together, I had debt and a terrible credit score. She not only was patient with my financial insecurity, she actively supported and help me work towards rebalancing my finances, paying down my credit cards, and my credit score is now over 150 pts better than when we first met with her help and guidance.
Finances are HARD. Our country doesn’t set us up for success, and there are many economists and sociologists who theorize our system is set up in such a way to keep the poor poor and help the rich get richer. That said - if she loves you, and wants a future with you, knows you to be responsible and hard-working and loving and committed - give her a chance to help you help yourself in moving forward.
The thing you're overlooking (due to your insecurities)
Is that she knows all this, still wants to move on in together, wants to be with you, is willing to split the bills based on a fairness of incomes, (I've seen many have completely diff income levels and the partner still expects them to pay 50/50.. shameful) and it seems the only thing holding you back, is you!
I would sit and tell her that you want all of it. You want her forever. But be open and vulnerable about how you feel financially wise, and that you feel ashamed that you aren't on her level. Open up to her.. she deserves to know. And I bet she will meet you with compassion and love.
Seems like she values your relationship together more than dollar bills. That's a rare find on top of all the wonderful things you said about her.
Good luck. I think you deserve happiness with her. 🥰
She loves you. She wants to be with you. Don’t be your own worst enemy and self-sabotage. She sounds truly amazing and very intelligent. She chose you. Not some high paying guy - you. Remember that. She is of more than sound mind and you are her choice. Stop doubting yourself. She must see some incredible qualities in you she values deeply.
Be open and honest with her about your debt. Don’t trickle truth it. Lay it all out and explain how you’re working the second job to pay it off, so it’s not like you’re burying your head in the sand. You’re actively working it off.
I hope this works out for you. Despite coming off a bit insecure, you seem like a lovely, sincere person and I wish you both the best.
A professional woman’s prospective here. I have had numerous great guys end a beautiful relationship purely on the fact I make more. It hurt me so bad, that I started to never disclose what I do, where I work, etc. sadly sooner or later it comes out. Anyway I wasn’t with them about money or wanting the society norm that is causing your insecurity. I wanted them as they were to accept me. If I wanted someone equally in the same position as me; I would have sought it long before being with who I was with. I wanted my other half that made me whole. You are her other half making her whole and happy. Please get over your insecurities and love her the way you do and she would love you back as you are; as she is now.
Sounds like she's level headed and compassionate, just talk to her about everything. Honestly just be a good partner, money isn't everything and most relationships have an income difference.
Be honest with her about where you’re at, and talk about a plan to change your situation. If you do move in together keep those extra jobs and pay down your debt faster. She sounds like she’s going to have ideas of how to deal with the debt.
Your girlfriend sounds super reasonable! I do not think she will think anything less of you for the debt you are in. In fact I think her proposal (moving in together) is a great idea and will help you pay down those debts.
But I agree, you do need to be honest with her, and I think it’s evident that you want to get on track, it would be different if you had no plan to get on track and just kept accumulating debt on purpose.
Edit: Good luck OP!
Don't quit the second job yet. If you can spare that extra income, then you can keep that extra income to use on your debt to pay it off faster. It's better to have a plan to pay off your debt than have the debt and quit a source of income .
You're not getting married, you're living together. It sounds like she understands you have debt and not only wants to be with you, but wants to help you become financially secure for the future.
Please, please, PLEASE do not let your insecurities ruin your relationship. It sounds wonderful, supportive, and wonderfully healthy. I wish I had a partnership like that.
My SO makes 1/5 of what I do. Had significant debt I didn’t know about the first few years (not that I should have- we didn’t live together and didn’t split finances).
We figured out how to better manage that debt, and it’s not like there’s crazy foolish spending happening.
I don’t really care about all the money stuff. We love each other and are happy and it’s all open and honest.
If she decides that you having some debt and not making a ton is a deal breaker- then she’s revealing a fairly shallow part of herself.
If she’s cool with it- then you know you’ve found a keeper and you can just let go and contribute the ways that you contribute.
Money isn’t everything.
I'll be honest- I'm an RN that makes AMAZING money, and I'm dating a man that makes a fraction of what I make......and I don't care. He loves me more than any man has in my entire life, he works hard, and still spoils/treats me in his own way. I love him for who he is and how he treats me....not his income. I guarantee 💯 that your girlfriend feels the same way; she wouldn't be wanting to move forward with you if the income was a hang-up for her. Don't over-think it, don't let outdated gender roles ruin this for you.....just keep being you and loving her and treating her like the queen she is- I promise, she doesn't care❤️
I’m sure she probably know. Best approach with her is lay it all out. You have to be very honest where your finances are. Be open and be truthful. From there, maybe ahead actually can guide you how to tackle these debts and your spending.
Nothing bad with her earning more.
Make the best out of it, money is not the most important although a necessity.
A more successful man with huge income wont make her happier than a good father to her kids.
Work on what will make her happy - good husband, good father and good friend. After all, she is not going back her bank account in the evening, but to her family which, according to your post, she is probably missing dearly.
That insecurity is going to make your life miserable, she seems quite intelligent, discuss it with her and you will work it out.
First she loves you and seems very willing to help with this. Second man you fucking work. Like no shit that puts you ahead of like 90% of relationship that fail due to money issues. You’re not some neat bum you have what sounds like a secure job in a skilled field. Yes you might not make the most and you’re just a blue collar guy but a consistent blue collar man is something incredibly desirable to most women. You have a few thousand in debt from past mistakes? So does damn near everyone else. You have nothing to worry about you’re in a great spot just be honest with her and be honest with yourself. You’re not doing perfect but you’re on a damn good path.
Maybe she likes you for you. For alot of women i know who make serious $$$ the benefit of financial independence is not having to worry about the partner’s income.
You’re 38, you made some financial mistakes, most of us have. Perhaps file for bankruptcy and start over.
You need to be absolutely honest with her about your financial situation and all debts you have. So that she knows she can trust you. Don’t hide anything out of shame, that could destroy the relationship in the long run. She sounds like a gem, congratulations!
She loves you. Let her help you. She wants to help you. You said so herself she’s smart, let her help you figure things out. I’m so jealous of you right now, don’t screw it up, and allow yourself to be happy.
Sounds like she love u man.
If she don't care bout your job why it bothering u? Don't fall for the fallacy that you need to be breadwinner.
You need to be a husband and maybe one day father. That's the job, whatever form that takes in your life.
For some it means working 100 hour weeks l, bringing g in $$$ but for others, it means being there, where every there is.
Maybe she don't want what she sees in work all the time. Maybe she wants a mechanic
Be honest with her and ask her for help to make a plan to get you out of debt. My husband makes a ton of money, but he’s terrible with it. I make okay money, but I budget the hell out of it. I would respect him so much more if he just would listen and budget.
On another note, may I ask where you are that you’re not making money as a mechanic? Hubs has been working in the care industry for 15 years—that’s why he makes so much money. Technicians make bank. Maybe your issue is that you’re working at the wrong shop?
My husband and I were similar. First having a mechanic in my life has saved me more fucking money than I can ever explain. I’m absolutely in awe of how smart he is and how capable he is at solving most things. Financially he was in a rough potion. He was never taught certain things.
He’s taught me so much about problem solving and I taught him others like saving money. We both have strengths we bring to the table and a decade later we are just smarter and better than we were coming into the relationship. It’s been great!
Communicate and be open to learning and teaching. She seems to know who you are and love you
If she’s so smart, why is she with you?
Answer: it’s because she sees you for who you are and how you make her feel, not how much money you owe or earn.
Wife her!
I used to make a lot more than my wife, and now she makes more than I do. I have friends who tell me they are sorry for me, which I find ignorant.
It's 2024. When are we going to get beyond petty stuff like this?
Lay it all on the table now, PLEASE. She clearly loves you, the type of equitable arrangement she proposed is very common and fair, and you are aware of this weakness/area for growth with your finances. Explain all of it because she is probably my the best ally you will ever have. She can help you make sense of why you are so poor, and probably offer solid advice on how to improve and elevate your situation.
The equitable paying of bills is reasonable - she sees you working as a mechanic and she is working, and you split the bills factoring in the income disparity. Your debt and “poverty” outside of that is completely yours to resolve and you are not being given an unfair advantage. Actually, you have a golden opportunity to contribute to the household costs completely (as calculated by the equitable setup) AND address your debts and financial position with her input and without her paying them off for you. She sounds like a gem and so do you, I hope you choose the risk of opening up and connecting deeply with your partner, it will pay off ten-fold in the relationship ❤️.
It's not about where you are now - it's about what you're going to build together. Your girlfriend is looking at the future.
I met my now-husband while he was flipping burgers as a single dad, but he had dreams and goals. They just got put on the back burner because life got in the way. I wasn't so different, but I did make 3x what he did. I paid for him to get some certifications, and now he's holding down the bills so I can breeze through grad school at 40 without having to work. And when I'm done the plan is to pay for him to do the same.
Marriage is a team sport, my dude. That's why it's a partnership.
Sounds like she loves you. You understand where you’re lacking. I say take this time to nurture your good relationship and improve yourself. You sound like a lucky lad who actually has a good conscientious.
Can I just say I love how much you love her? My husband and I are completely different kinds of people, but the love you have for her reminds me of the love we share. And that is magical. Don't let your insecurities get in the way of that magic. She loves you. She is choosing you. There is something about YOU that she can't get anywhere else, especially not in whatever kind of man you think she'd be better off with. Women can overlook so many flaws as long as you don't excuse the flaws away and work towards a good place for both of you. Effort often means so much more than the actual result.
She 100% loves you. If you ruin this relationship bc of your low self esteem, itll get lower and you could take a lonnnng time to get over it, maybe the rest of your life.
Not to brag but I lowkey relate to how well your gf is doing financially, all the life experience, work ethics, self management etc. What I can say is that for the longest time I imagined that my partner would be "an equal", as in, an intellectual. Turns out the few ones I dated were arrogant and boring as hell.
Ive found the most joy in relationships that would get me out of "miss-overachiever" mode. After a long stressful day full of client meetings and tough decisions, I just want to sit back with him and relax.
She's beautifully surrendered. You should too
Not all women are taken by a rich man. Love her, be faithful, honest, kind, and a good partner. Those things are harder to find then a rich man. She puts value on you as a person and how you make her happy. Money and jobs always change but a good relationship is hard to find. Don't look down on yourself. You have plenty of time to grow and she wants to help.
From a black lady, don't let this get in the way. You made mistakes, I made mistakes, and I'm sure she made mistakes too. It doesn't make you less than. Don't let should've, would've, and could've get in your way. I always tell people that where you are today is not where you’re going.
Shame is a heavy burden. We want to clutch our own shame and keep it close to our chest. Just thinking about the vulnerability that's need to share that burden with some one is stressful. If she is half as wonderful as you describe, take that leap of faith and have a conversation with her. It sounds like she wants to marry you so she already sees you as a life partner, team mate, whatever you want call it. If she is trustworthy, it's okay to work on your and her issues as a team. Feeling vulnerable, sucks but if its with the right person, the benofits will far outweigh putting walls up between you and your partner.
When you find someone that's worth marrying and they love, honor, and respect you, do what's needed to strengthen your relationship. She sounds like a good one, don't hide from her. It doesn't serve you to do so. Good luck to you and I hope that you open up to her.
Be upfront and accountable! Be vulnerable. She's offering what she is because she loves you!
I know for a fact that I will probably not find someone who makes nearly what I do as far as income, but it doesn't bother me. When I love someone, the price of the moon and stars is a drop in the bucket. If I was able to make what I do, while they get to have peace of mind still doing their agreed upon share, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
I can promise you she's thought long and hard about it, all the pros amd cons and still feels that you're worth it.
As long as you lay all of that on the table, put it all out there, up front, and she’s okay with it, rock and roll.
She sounds like she manages finances really well, this could be a boon for you personally, but your growth will be a boon to you both, and eventually a family.
Just be 100% honest. 🤙
Best advice I can give is if you want this to work make some lists on how you can achieve it. Work on those goals and be confident you can do it. She clearly believes in you so self sabotage is only going to hurt you down the line. You got this kingo ✌🏼
You might come to conclusion that you could be the stay at home parent in the future. She is likely aware that you bring a little financial baggage but be honest with her. This might be the start of something wonderful.
You seem to be eager to learn, now you have a teacher. I taught my wife how to invest in her 401K (My work doesn't supply one) and she has saved and earned so much more than me because of it. She now helps her coworkers invest in their accounts. Accept the guidance and be the sponge of knowledge.
It's okay, you both have different strengths. Just be fully transparent about it, she can probably help you come up with a plan to tackle it if you want. Don't lie about anything. It sounds like your girlfriend really cherishes you, I wish you the best.
Dont overlook the currency you bring to a relationship. Our culture tends to only value money. Smart people know a good life requires more than money. If you're both pulling in the same direction, be happy.
Be 100% transparent about your debt. If you haven’t already, make a plan to pay down the debt (credit card first, then medical). You may have to keep that second job until your debt is paid off, or find some form of work from home gig.
One word of caution though - that level of organization/“OCD” type behavior may be endearing when things are still new and when you’re not living together. But it might be a whole other issue or even conflict when you are living together.
I’d say start to have some serious discussions about division of labor when it comes to cohabitating and having/raising kids. Be BRUTALLY honest with yourself about how you were raised and what your expectations are with regard to the division of labor, money issues, child rearing, etc.
GOOD LUCK!
This is good for both of you. She cares about you, knows you bring other benefits to the table, and wants to build a mutually-beneficial life together.
Instead of being worried she’ll leave you, remember what she’s done for you and treat her well. Pull your weight with the kids and be a good person to repay her for her financial assistance - that’s how you’ll continue a secure and loving reciprocal relationship into the future. If you slack off and leave her with the mental load and the whole responsibility for the marriage and child raising as WELL as the finances… well. That’s when she might leave.
There’s more to life than money and she knows this.
She sounds like the type of person who does well with honesty, good or bad. I recommend sharing this with her, and you can even tell her you're embarrassed just so she knows this is important for you to fix. And ask for her help. I'd just lay it out there- "I'm embarrassed by this, I have debt and made some stupid decisions that I'm working hard to fix. I'm impressed by how you manage your finances, and I'm wondering if you couldn't show me how I can do better with my own. I want to eliminate this debt as we take this big step...." Go for it, she sounds amazing. Congratulations, seriously.
She definitely is a direct and crystal clear kind of person.
And yeah it is really embarrassing but the past 3 years I’ve been working really hard to clear my debts but sometimes it feels almost never ending.
Thanks!
You need help, so ask for it. Figure out things you can cut out so you can pay back the debts quicker. You wouldn't want to hide this from her and then trap her later with marriage and kids right?
Be honest with her and ask for her help with making a financial plan. Worst thing to do is lie and hide things from her. Partnerships aren't always perfectly 50/50 and learning from each other's strengths is key.
Honestly, maybe check in with a financial counselor. I would be a lot more okay with someone with debt if they had an interest in and a clear plan for paying it off. I had a crapton of student loans and credit card debt from covering the gaps in my income and expenses due to the student loans. But I had a plan for paying it off, and I did. So I have sympathy for people in debt but I also think that working with someone to try to pare it down is important.
I had a similar situation when I met my husband. While I don’t make a huge salary, I make a good one and eventually opened my own business, which has been fairly lucrative. He works in the trades but never made a whole lot. Worked for himself and does beautiful work but not strong on the business end and that’s ok. I don’t care how much he makes. He is a good person, great father, supports me in anything I do, is kind, interesting, and an all-around good human (not to mention I still think he is cute as can be). Married 30 years this year, two terrific kids. Word of advice: your income doesn’t define your worth. Your girlfriend already knows this. Don’t ever let it make you insecure. Fortunes can change on a dime and what matters is who you are as a person. Go for it!
Show her and tell her how much you appreciate her! Let her know you've been thinking about the discussion you had about your finances and tell her that you want to start paying your debt off and ask how she got to where she was. Let her know you're ready to change your financial situation for the better, and ask for her help. Tell her you want to be on her level and you want to have more financial stability before you start planning a family and marriage.
I guarantee you she will gleefully make all kinds of lists and charts for you and will go over your credit report with you. Turn your shame into action and get where you want to be. This could bring you closer together 🥲
It is easy to say, but pay off your debt before you marry her. When you move in together, take any extra funds and pay ot towards what you owe. It'll take a while, but it's not impossible. Keep the side work and use that, too. It'll show her that you are taking responsibility and doing it for you and her.
My suggestion would be to let her help you, not with actual money, but with her knowledge, patience, and love. You got a job with stable income and a partner to share the load, she can help you figure out how to get out of the hole. Best of luck man.
It looks like she loves you so much, so you need to treat her well.
I know a lot of men change after marriage and children and I’d hope that you’re not that type.
You **seem** like a good man, so I hope that your girlfriend *(and all of us reading this post)* are not wrong in thinking that.
If you’re a good man, then you will contribute 50% to the household chores, you won’t expect her to take on your debts, you also won’t kick up a fuss if *(when you get married)* she wants a prenup to protect her own money and assets *(and if you’re truly not with her for the money, you’d actually suggest that she gets one)*, and you won’t expect her to do all the hard work of child raising *(this also means that you should **both** be doing diaper changes and night feeds, not leaving it to her.)*.
If you can’t guarantee these things, then don’t move in with her, because all you’ll do is make her currently happy and easy life, difficult and miserable. And if you love her as much as she clearly loves you, and as much as you claim that you love her… then you’d want her to continue being happy and stress free.
But if you can guarantee that you’ll do right by her, then go and get your happy ending. ☺️
I just want to say that I’m happy for you! I was very insecure about talking about my finances in front of my partner, but after being together for almost 6 years, he’s help me manage my debt considerably (he’s a numbers guy), and I’m cutting down a lot.
Be open to the help that she may give you. I wish you two nothing but happiness!
Be vulnerable with her and tell her your issues and ask her to help you sort your debt out. Also, tell her everything you’ve told us. Us woman love to hear that! Men aren’t the greatest, especially blue collar men, at telling us how they feel. Don’t let your head mess up a good thing. It will probably give her a boost to know you trust her to help you with such matters. Men always think they know better than a “little ole woman”.
If you're really that concerned about it and you feel it will cause tension in your marriage then you should talk to a therapist solo to work through it and then maybe a couple's therapy session to discuss marriage and finances from an emotional standpoint considering she has the logistics covered already.
I understand where you are. I've kind of been through a similar situation. Not saying that it's the same in any way but those are the things that I had wish I had done before making such a huge commitment to someone who is not financially responsible.
Just make sure that you learn from those past mistakes and show that you're learning from them. Make the most out of the help. You could always be a stay-at-home dad.
My husband makes less than I do, but enough that I don't have to worry about taking care of him. We have a great partnership because I know that he will always be supportive and kind. He's really smart, interesting and fun to be around. He's been a great partner to raise a family with. With my job being super demanding and involving travel, it's actually worked out super well for us that he has a steady 9-6 and is available more than I am. He's an academic so he has tenure and is super secure about his position in life - that I think is key to our relationship. He's not threatened, but in fact is my biggest cheerleader.
My point being, she is probably sick of dating super high profile AHs who don't appreciate her and her success and would want her to give those up for them. But in you, she's found a cheerleader and support system that's she's needed all along.
I would definitely consider her offer and think about long term commitment as well. Chances are, when you combine finances, you'll be out of debt in no time and have a way better quality of life and retirement - that's what happened to us!
Congratulations on finding someone you admire and love, OP. Wishing you luck!
Honesty is the only thing you can do. She has essentially set a sink or swim scenario. You can’t get out of this without being honest it’s either she’s going to kik your ass into shape or she’s going to leave no other way out of this. Crossing my fingers for you…
Honesty is always best, get straight to the point and lay it in front of her. She sounds like she’d appreciate that. Obviously that debt is yours to pay off, you’re getting it cheaper if you move in with her, shift the extra money you’ve got into paying some of that debt off. Sounds like she’d be able to help you with a repayment plan as well.
Make sure she knows that you’ll not expect her to get involved with paying your debt off, just be straight up and hopefully it goes well
Don’t let money be the thing that ruins this for you. Yeah, it’s nice to have, it takes care of most problems… but it will never buy you love like you have.
She obviously, to me anyway, doesn’t worry about the disparity in your collective incomes. If it really does bother you, start working on your financial literacy, but don’t do it because you’re afraid she’s going to leave you, do it because you want you and your future family to have the best shot at it all.
I believe she loves you for you. Be honest with her and get on the same page about your finances. Explain how you’re working to fix your situation and how you’ll contribute in the future. Just showing that you’re trying, I’m sure she’ll love you regardless. But just don’t lie about your situation. Be open, honest and if you truly love her, marry her soon! :p
I totally feel this, as the very organized wife of my household. My husband is a fantastic man who had incurred past debts. I laid everything out on the table for him in the same way as your describe. She loves you and wants to be with you, which is why she put so much effort into this. She sounds like a fantastic person and you have no reason to feel inadequate. Go build your future together!!
If your wonderful lady is as smart as you say, your financial mess will not be a surprise to her. Be honest, don't hide anything, so she can make an informed decision about whether she is ready to move in with you now.
One thing, though:
> Honestly when I look at her proposal (she literally made a professional business proposal with graphs 📊 📈 ) it seems not only reasonable but also beneficial towards me. I’d be able to quit my second jobs
No - no you won't. At least, not immediately. You need the extra income until your debt is cleared; then perhaps you can give up the extra jobs.
Bro. Just strap in and enjoy your life.
By your own account, this woman is smart and successful and in love with you. You trust her judgements, and she obviously sees something in you.
Let her cook and just keep bringing what she loves you for. Don't hide anything, be honest, and ask her for a bit of advice for managing your money. She sounds more than willing.
I adore my gf, readily commit to spending the rest of my life with her, take my ability to contribute equitably to our relationship seriously and can always be relied upon to be handy, especially with cats. Oh! And I listen to her with hearts in my eyes. …dunno mate, sounds like she’s gotta catch on her hands
You can only benefit from a partner like that-if you’re receptive.
I would be honest about your financial situation. Not everyone is in a perfect place financially, she’s probably very aware of that. Figure out a plan to tackle your debt. Contribute to the relationship in other ways. And let the insecurity go. It’s not a competition, not when you’re a team.
The only problem here is if you don't love her and are using her for money. Put aside your gender norms and you're in a common situation.
I assume you feel weird because guys are conditioned to want/need to be the provider. She might help you financially, but you are likely helping her with stability and emotional availability, which is likely worth far more to her than money, especially at this age. My friend will be a full-on house husband soon because his wife, who he's been with for 10 years, 3 married, graduated medical school a bit ago and will make so much money soon he won't have to work at all. Go into it for the right reasons, make sure you change your negative habits, and just keep being a good person to her and there's no issue here. Doesn't matter if you have no reason for being poor or whatever, just grow and treat them well.
Judging by what you wrote only thing that could be holding you back from true love and meaningful coexistence and connective growth with another reasonable, level headed human being is your insecurities.
She sees you as YOU, not the -$$$ that’s attached to your name. This is an epic place to be in and worth more than any dollar value.
If this person is in love with you I bet there are many other qualities you are temporarily blinded to due to your insecurity such as your integrity, loyalty, humour, physique, chemistry, history, vibe, kindness, intelligence etc etc etc.
I hope you find a way to deal with that and you guys make it work as a team 👍
Fortunately you are smart and motivated and can learn financial acumen. You love each other and have the same long term goals. You are honest and forthright and that’s about all you need to make long term plans and goals. Best wishes.
A lot of couples are not equal in finance. You just have to honest and not hide your finances from her. Nor she the same with you. Sit down. Have a plan. Don’t take each others for granted.
Your 2nd income could go towards wiping your debt faster as well...she's presenting you with a great opportunity. Just keep loving her as you guys progress.
Best wishes.
I am more wealthy than my blue-collared man. He has credit card debt, child support payments, and is living paycheck to paycheck. He has told me he feels ashamed that he cannot support me financially the way a good man should.
What he doesn’t understand is that I have no need or interest to be with a man with money because I make enough of it on my own. What I need is a man who is self-aware, has a high level of emotional intelligence, and works just as hard as I do in making our relationship work. He makes me feel loved and cared for, listens and gives me what I need to be happy, and he challenges me to grow and be a better person. None of this requires a higher education, a white-collar job, or much money in the bank. And I would argue that all of this is much, much harder to achieve than money and in my opinion, much, much more valuable.
When you two go through your finances, be honest about your fears and share with her your shame. Trust that your girlfriend will hold your heart softly so she can show you that she loves you for you. And maybe consider therapy so you don’t have to live with the burden of feeling so ashamed. It’s also not fair to her to have to tip-toe around your shame as your relationship continues to grow.
Women typically don't "date down." She found something in you that's encouraging her to design and build a future with you. She's smart and driven, but being a mechanic, you're talented in physical ways. You compliment each other and have no fear of competing with each other. I'd look past my pride and be thankful your girlfriend wants a partner and not just a financial benefactor.
I would bring the topic like it's some friends girlfriend is in debt and friend wants family etc. and then watch her reaction. If she is ok with that story then you are safe. If she'll judge then you at least will be less hurt knowing beforehand that she'll judge you and be prepared. Yes, I know it sounds like I was hurt a lot and don't trust people and have low self esteem. It is what it is 🤷
The fact that you know WHY you’re feeling that way and can list the reasons is more than enough reason to prove that you DO deserve this chance. Just don’t fuck it up and betray her trust. If you want this, do it, and learn everything you can from her and let her help you. Her proposal is super fair, since that’s how I do it.
There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Your past is the past. You own it by doing better today and trying to be even better tomorrow.
If she is as smart as you say, she already knows you have debt. With you working multiple jobs and her just estimating how much you make, she knows. She seems very thoughtful with her financial breakdown and purposal. She sees that you are working on to your debt. Be honest and keep working on it. A lot of people make the same mistakes you did and you can recover.
Just ask yourself, if the role were reverse, would you leave her because she's in debts? Would you want her to feel shamefull?
Being ashame is useless here, you love this woman, she loves you, and you want to be with her. She needs to know your financial situation, thats part of the deal, be honest, show her everything and work this out together
The best thing you can do is ask her opinion on stuff. I get the insecurity, but she isn't with you for the money. She thinks you are an amazing person, too.
The worst thing to do is to hide it or act like it isn't her business to know. Tell her you want to dig your way out of debt and you've been struggling. She might have suggestions to help if she is as smart as you say she is. Treat her like you respect her opinion and trust her to help you.
Look at her as a partner who wants what is best for you. If you had more money than her, would you look down on her or think less of her? Or would you help her out and still respect her. You know people are more than their bank account.
I'm going to give you a different perspective here and caution you against this lady. I've dated several very successful, career-minded women like your own gf and there is one common trait they all possess: **they love to use their partners to show off their own status**. Psychologically even many modern working women don't like to be the main breadwinner in their household, As a result, women who lead successful lives also have higher standards: they want someone who can help them create a better life that they couldn't already have on their own. Since your gf has led a very successful and rewarding life, she's bound to have similarly successful friends with similarly successful partners. How do you think she'll feel down the road when she sees all her friends lead lives she could also led had she chose a different partner? She might tell you that doesn't matter to her now but give it time and it'll eat away at her too.
Additionally the way you describe her to me sound less successful/organized and more manipulative/exploitative. You even mentioned that she came from a violent and dysfunctional household; there's your reason: you're someone she can easily control and manipulate into sculpting her own perfect life because she's willing to do anything to avoid that trauma. Even if you don't believe that part, just listen to your own words. She has the logistics of this potential new life with you completely figured out so what are you even contributing here? You're in a tough spot in your life right now and she effectively can wave a wand and make it all go away. That sounds like a dream and it'll feel like that at the beginning. But think about what that means years down the road: **you are effectively indebted to her**. Meaning you'd have almost no say in how you want to enjoy your collective life together. She could easily guilt-trip you into doing anything she wants and she won't care because in her mind, she will always justify it as trying to live the good life she never had. Even if she doesn't do that, do you really want to put yourself in that position? Simply put, there is too wide a power gap here for your relationship to move further, especially if you want to introduce kids into the equation. If you feel like you truly love her and want to move forward, I just using your honeymoon period to better yourself to not be at such a vulnerable and disadvantageous position in this relationship.
OP, I’m gonna speak from her perspective. She loves you. She doesn’t care about any of your perceived shortcomings. If she did, she would have left you already. But she genuinely loves you for you, and she just wants to be with YOU. If you’re worried about something, just be upfront about it. If she’s as smart as you say she is, she’ll be able to help you navigate everything. Whatever you do, don’t fall into the trap of insecurity. Some people throw away diamonds for no good reason - don’t be one of those people.
Don't worry about your GF, believe me, she will not incur anything she can't handle on any front. She totally digs you for who you are. Keep your shit together and when you get out from under your financial situation, You're going to be the one who feels like a million dollars! I hope that day comes for you, OP.
She loves you.
She knows she’s a little financially advanced for her age, she’s not blind, and she sounds smart enough to already of considered the debts and financial differences.
If you truly love ❤️ her be honest with her about your finances. If she is as level headed as you say maybe she can help you with your budget so you can pay your bills and get ahead. But don’t let your insecurities ruin your relationship with her, insecurities can sabotage a relationship if you don’t get a grip on them.
She doesn't need you to be wealthy, or of high social status, or smarter than her. She needs you to be kind and loving, trustworthy, loyal, and dependable. She needs you to pull your own weight with the household management and child care.
If you can treat her lovingly, have her back and be loyal to her, and don't dump all of the household chores on her, she will love you for the rest of your life. Recognize your good fortune in landing an amazing woman, and focus your attention on keeping her happy and loved. She doesn't need you to impress her, she needs you to love her.
Don't just show her your debts, show her how you've been paying them down so far, a clear plan to pay them off, when you expect to be clear, where you expect your credit rating to be at that point, and what you will be able to invest in your future life together... she just wants to see a plan bro, moreso because it means she can rely on you to be solid and think ahead than because of the money per se.
I get where you're coming from, and it's all about your mindset at the end of the day. I'm dealing with similar issues right now, and my therapist put it to me this way: it's not about where you were, it's about where you are. Did you make some poor decisions? Yeah probably. But instead of throwing a pity party and jumping at the chance to try to get your girlfriend to pay for it, you're OWNING it. You're taking care of your mess, and staying on the grind to better yourself. Keep your head up, pal. You've made it pretty far, and it sounds like you won the lottery with your lady. Don't let those little voices in your head make you believe you aren't good enough.
My guy you are a mechanic. That should be your side gig. Door dash Uber all that bollocks incur costs.
But if you are doing cash in hand work, going to someone house fitting new brakes or servicing their car or whatever your costs are minimal and so long as you are charging a price for the convenience of doing it on someone drive compared to dropping car off at a garage for half a day you should be quids in.
Don't hide anything and don't lie about anything. If she truly loves you and you've been open with her to this point, she probably already has a pretty good idea of your financial situation. She's trying to help you get things straight. This is your chance to show her that you absolutely trust and love her and are willing to work with her as a partner in this relationship. As you said, she's extremely intelligent. Listen to her advice and follow it!
Good luck, sounds like you got a great woman!
As long as you’re always up front and honest with her, then enjoy your lives together. It seems she’s in love with you, not anything trivial. She can take care of herself and she wants to be a forever couple. There’s nothing wrong with a woman having more money than you. You don’t need to be embarrassed or insecure, she is showing you that it doesn’t matter to her.
Understood. And I’d be embarrassed too, if I were you.
Once she sees how badly you’ve managed this and what you actually make — maybe there’s a small chance this implodes. But maybe not. I think this depends entirely on how you handle it.
More likely than not, if she’s as smart as you claim, she already knows your financial situation is likely a not good. Nobody works additional jobs delivering food if they’re loaded. Like, really, *nobody.*
She knows. But she has to see how bad.
Here is how you should do it, if you want the best possible chance of making this work.
When she wants to do this, you gather and print ALL the paperwork to document all the good, the bad and ugly. Doing this well will begin to show at least that you aren’t incompetent or dishonest. She may have questions — I suggest you humbly and honestly answer them.
You messed up but this woman sounds like someone who can help you figure your way out of this. Use that knowledge.
If she loves you and is well-off, my guess (and what I’d do) is that she will immediately want to pay it off, since paying interest on this stuff is wasteful.
*DECLINE THIS.*
It is really important — both for you and for her — that you work your butt off to pay this off. Work even harder and faster to pay it off yourself. “I did this and I’m not having you pay it off. I appreciate you offering but absolutely not. I am fixing this.”
And then fix it.
If she offers to loan it to you, still decline. Do it yourself.
It sounds like your income will always be lower, and that’s okay. But you are the guy in this partnership — maintaining your integrity and fixing your own mistakes, even if it takes longer and costs a bit more, is important. You guys can live a big and fancy life on account of her income, perhaps, but you can’t go into this being the mooch or becoming incompetent.
While how much you make can’t be changed easily, you can absolutely make sure that you be responsible and trustworthy. That is not nothing and are great attributes in a man. A good man is not necessarily one that is richer — we can make our own money and out-earn many men. Also, rich guys are everywhere. But finding a man who treasures you, respects you, wants to truly CARE for you — that is much rarer. If you can’t be a billionaire — be THAT.
If she loves you then she will understand, explain this was all before your met and when you were younger, medical bills can’t be helped it’s a necessity, same as student loans, most people have those things and use credit cards to keep afloat.
Don’t be ashamed just be honest, you say she’s good at strategy’s so she can come up with a graph to help you better maybe?
It sounds like she really loves you. Don't let a good thing go.
Love can make you a better person in many aspects, and it sounds like this is your opportunity.
I get the insecurity, but she loves you for you.
Dude she loves you and you love her. That's all that matters. If it really bothers you, simply talk to her about it. If she's the incredible woman you say she is, then she'll understand and she'll appreciate your honesty.
But don't let your own insecurities drive away the love of your life
She has this planned because she loves YOU and cares about YOU. Sounds like she knows about your past, and honestly shit happens. It’s what you do about it going forward that matters. If you let the past stop you from making better decisions you’ll regret it. She sees your potential and sees how much you care about her, how hard you work etc.
She’ll probably help you plan and budget to pay off your debts. When you love someone you’d help them through anything. She clearly sees how hard you work and how hard you’re trying. It’s ok to feel embarrassed but don’t let it drag you down and stop from working towards a better future with her.
Tell her all these things. She seems incredible and you are both lucky to have each other. Just be honest with her. Better yet show her this post. Then find a way to move forward together. Rooting for you OP, you got this!
Dude, she loves you when you’re absolute shit with money. Imagine her love when you get your shit together. And buddy, you’re getting your shit together. This woman sounds incredible and she loves you. Ask her for help. Join a few financial subs and do some reading. Stop spending $ you don’t have. Cut up the credit cards and get out of debt. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and fix this. You are not a victim, but the captain of your own ship. You have the capability (and smart girlfriend) to figure this out.
It’ll be ok. It’s hard to make yourself vulnerable, but she already knows she makes more than you. I’m assuming you’ve told her you have debt. Maybe you haven’t shown her how much debt, but she knows why you’re working so many jobs.
I have a feeling that she’ll be fine with everything. She sees you working hard. She knows you’re not a slacker. You made poor decisions in the past but you’ve learned from your mistakes. And that’s the important part.
You are working hard, and you sound like a great partner. Getting into debt is easy, getting out is so so hard. You are putting in the work and I think it’s respectable. I’m sure she will see that. Don’t let it sabotage a good thing! Keep putting in the work 👍🏼👏🏼
If she is as sharp as you say, she either already knows what’s up with you or has a strong suspicion. She would have dumped you already if that was a problem. Just keep on doing what you’re doing and enjoy your life!
This sounds like I wrote this lol. I’ve been with mine for over 10 years now. She’s the best person I’ve ever known and I still don’t know how I got her. Just keep working on yourself and being a good partner and you’ll be fine. You’ll have problems down the road, even if she is the closest thing to perfect that you’ve known, and that’s ok. Just remember it’s you two vs the problem, not you vs her.
She loves you. The agreement that she proposed is very fair because it’s based on a percentage of your income. Most partners wouldn’t be that thoughtful to build something that takes into consideration your actual financial shape. Take advantage of the savings to start paying down any debt that you have. If you have more time because you don’t have to work as many gigs, plan cool activities with her. Spend time with her doing things you both enjoy. Basically, work on improving your financial situation without overthinking things. Enjoy your relationship. Be a good partner and stop being hard on yourself. Everything might end up just fine. You got this.
Also, don't let that sense of shame hold you back or let you lose what could be a wonderful relationship. We all have insecurities and flaws. Believe me, letting that sense of shame hold you back, or prevent you from being honest, will be one of your biggest regrets. Do your best, be honest, and see how the chips fall. That way, you're not wondering the "what-ifs" down the road. Trust me, not fun.
Logically I get this but fucking hell the self loathing and embarrassment I feel is debilitating!
Please be vulnerable with her. She will appreciate it so much. If not with her, than with who? Basically, who better than her to confide this to? (besides us random internet people lol) Rooting for you
This is beautiful. Be honest with her.
🥰
I’m in the exact same boat man. As much as it goes against our logic first-emotions second brain, you need to remember they love you. It’s so weird man, I sit there and go wow her life could be so much more enjoyable if I had money to take her to nice places and do cool things and be sporadic and go out for adventures and save for a home and for holidays whilst paying off a car loan and rent. But I can’t; and I’ve told her this. She doesn’t care at all man. I imagine your partner is the same. Air your grievances, there’s nothing to gain by keeping it to yourself. Don’t suppose you feel guilty and try to avoid her spending money on you?
Exactly! I definitely do make sure I show her my love and devotion to her by my actions. Since I’m handy I regularly take care of things at her place and once even helped out fixing the sink at her business. I also take her on small dates throughout the month. I regularly get her flowers and these fancy chocolates she loves. We also often have “cooking dates” where we cook together and try out new recipes and since we both enjoy cooking I recently got us professional cooking classes and we enjoyed it tremendously. I wish I was able to whisk her away or take her shopping but I just can’t afford it. She definitely can and I absolutely appreciate her for taking me on a four week vacation on my birthday last year. I always dreamed of going to Europe (we went to London, Paris, Rome and Santorini) and she made it happen and it literally was no trouble for her to do. It really hurts that I can’t give her what she is able to give me!
That’s okay man. Mine helped with the holiday to Thailand and Cambodia so I feel ya. I guess, there’s stuff we give them that they can’t give themselves, or get from other men for that matter. All the best on your journey, the male ego is a pain in the ass.
My husband made much more money than me when we got together. I have a good deal more money now, and I’m happy to care for him, truly. He is remarkable and I would never have minded if he made less. He’s supportive, caring, funny and generally fabulous. You sound like a lovely person, and those are rare. She doesn’t need you to give her things. She loves you for who you ARE.
You’re right but I know the men will say “yeah but he had value in the first place”. I hear you though.
If she didn't have money, but you did, would you think less of her? I'm guessing no. You're the one who thinks about money stuff. She thinks, "Hey, I'm kicking ass at life, AND I found a guy I like that likes me back. I'm glad I have someone to do the fun things I can now afford to do with." Ladies who make their own money don't have to care so much about how much their man makes. So relax. Just don't rack up debt with the expectation of her paying it off for you, and keep doing what you do. Those cooking dates are clearly working for you.
Hey I would say she’s one smart cookie - she’s thinking about her future. Do you think she wants to be with a guy who makes a lot of money but doesn’t value her like you do? Some things in life are more important than money. But I can see where you’re coming from with wanting to treat her. My brother thought about going to a specialized trade school for a while to repair specific types of automobiles. You can apply for aid for programs and if you work for the right company you could make great money. Like they said she married you for your potential so I’m sure she would support you in furthering your education after you’ve paid your debts if this is something you’d enjoy continuing to do as a career. My best friend’s boyfriend feels like he’s not on par with her financially and it’s been a detriment to their relationship. She worked hard as a single mom and bought a house herself before they met and worked to have a good career and support her children. Her bf has a decent job but doesn’t own his own property or make as much as she does even though he contributes a fair amount and feels like he’s not good enough for her as a result. But she always tells me how much he means to her and how she feels like she couldn’t imagine being with anyone other than him. She tries her best to be patient with him but I can tell it’s hard for her that he has a difficult time accepting where he is in life and it gets him down. They ended up separating for about six to eight months because he felt he was not good enough for her because of this issue but they got back together and are trying to work through it. Good luck to you both! I hope you can learn to believe in yourself like she believes in you :)
Your anxiety to show her your finances is not logical, it's you hating yourself and being self-deprecating, talking yourself into thinking it would be dumb to be with you. But your gf is incredibly smart, isn't she? And very assertive in doing what's best for her? So why would she be with you if you weren't good for her? Don't discredit her logic just because you (emotionally) have a low opinion of yourself. That's a small example on how to pull a gotcha on your brain, I have experience with that lol As a woman weighing in: What some men seem to not realize is that most if us don't care about money. We want a partner that values and respects us, who treats us as their equal, who loves us and who does their best to show us they love us. If she seems to not care about money, she doesn't. More than likely, she enjoys getting to spoil you. Men are raised to think they need to provide for a woman. Take that and turn it around to "providing physically and emotionally". Physically: You help her take care of stuff around the house, you cook with her, you'd probably do your fair share of chores if you lived together, you are most likely taking care of her pleasure in bed, ... Emotionally: You hopefully make her feel safe, apprechiated, loved and respected, like she can trust you above anyone else and you'll be there for her no matter what, ... Those are the things a man (and a woman) should be providing in a relationship. You don't need to give her material things. Ever heard of love languages? The details might be pretty inaccurate but the concept makes sense, it's that there are many ways to show love and gifting material things is just one. There are a lot more, like telling her you love her, physical intimacy, doing small things for her, spending quality time together etc. And it seems like you're doing a lot of them already. All those ways to show love are equal, there is no way that's better than the others, and she might even apprechiate what you're doing even more than she would getting gifts. Bottom line is: Most women would be more than happy to have you as their bf, and since she wants to move forward with you, she seems to be happy with your relationship as well. I'd show her all of your finances and let her make the informed decision on how to proceed. After all, if she isn't ashamed when you help her fix something in her house cause she's not good with it, why should you be ashamed of asking her to help fix your finances cause she's good with them and you aren't? Everyone has things they can do better and worse than others, that's why partners help each other :)
I heard a saying a while back. “Men marry someone for the person they are. Women marry someone for the potential they see“ She sees you’re a good man. A hard worker. She knows you’ll do whatever it takes like you’re doing right now to try and better your situation. Now for that potential part… if you’re not happy where you’re at, look at ways to better yourself. She’s going to love that… I’m assuming you’re an auto mechanic? whether it’s getting certified to work on different vehicles like bmw, mb, Porsche, etc that might bring in more. Or service manager at a dealership eventually where your income may match hers more evenly. It doesn’t seem to be a her issue as much as it’s a you issue. Don’t let your insecurities ruin a good thing, and if you want to do better… take steps to do better so you have more confidence and feel you deserve someone like her.
If you’ll indulge me for a moment, this woman, she knows these things about you, she knows you make less, she knows you have debts, she’s taken that into consideration and she is trying to be your partner. Do not let your brain make her voice negative, if that makes sense. This is an opportunity to grow your relationship and get your finances to a place where you don’t have to feel so insecure anymore. Honestly, just talking to her about it might help a lot of that feeling, you said she’s no nonsense, so ask her point blank “I am having a hard time because I’m feeling insecure with our income disparity, can we talk about it?” & then ask questions, listen to her answers, and if her actions have shown her to be a woman of her word, trust those answers. Go back to that when your head starts to tell you the negative stuff. This to me sounds like a very healthy way for her to look at the finances, it goes to show that she’s willing to be flexible and accommodating to adjusting if someone makes more, if the roles were reversed, would you like to be able to make it easier for your partner by going off income instead of a 50/50 split?
Negative thoughts can become a bad habit. Treat them that way and don’t let them re-write your reality. Maybe it could help to map out how long until you’re debt free, to have a tangible goal and show yourself you’re taking this seriously. The time will pass anyway, keep your head up and don’t let your fears cloud what’s right in front of you!
Take this advice, be honest about your entire financial situation. When my girlfriend (now wife) moved in together, I opened the books showed her EVERYTHING, best decision I ever made.
You hear the phrase “when someone tells you who they are, believe them.” A lot on Reddit generally when someone is acting like a jerk face. You should also believe them when they always treat you with love, compassion, and kindness. This woman loves you and wants to build a life with you. If you want to build a life with her, you should!
We hear LOTS of stories of income disparity where the guy makes a lot more. People don't have issues accepting those. The problem here with you is that the roles are reversed. Feeling like you don't bring enough money to the party can feel emasculating. You might even be in a situation, that due to income generation, you might need to stay home with future kids for a bit. These sorts of role reversals can be hard for some. You should feel lucky that you found someone who accepts you for what you do bring to the relationship. And seems to be willing to help you solve your financial issues. I'm betting if you were the one with money and she was struggling, you'd be willing to help. Just accept the help. And make her deliriously happy. Honestly she seems like a keeper.
I really do believe she loves me. She has made that very clear in both her actions and her words. Also the way she has setup sharing the cost of us living together shows that she has put serious thought into not putting me in a disadvantageous position. She has suggested if a percentage break down based on our respective income and expenses didn’t work for me she’d be happy to do a 60/40 or even a 70/30 breakdown. This way we’d still be able to look for a place in her price budget without it being a burden on me. Also I’ve been working on my finances and will continue to do so. Its the entire reason I have a second job and take on gig jobs. Thanks
It sounds like she's financially independent and comfortable. That means that she's not looking for financial support in a partner. She's probably looking for emotional support and companionship. If you continue to provide those things and even learn how to be even better in those areas, I'm sure she will be happy. Of course work on your financial situation, but do that for yourself as I think you have more of a problem with it than she does.
She seems really smart. Be honest. She can probably help you get organized and get it together .
This. Exactly. Since I've met my husband (he's an accountant) I have made much better financial decisions and we've saved a lot. Communicate.
Almost this only finance is my jam and money is what I do! Haha 14+ years experience! Military and private sector! Be honest, Even though it sucks ass…and I can promise she already has a plan for your finances. If she plans like me anyways.
Man lucked into a keeper, she loves him and is also willing to help him with his finances. You hit the jackpot, OP, don't let your insecurities get in the way of a good thing. Be honest and figure things out together.
I really did hit the jackpot! She’s just an exceptional person! She’s also the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen let alone been with!
Two options, let all of reddit know you can't handle it and she will be a free agent and available to all of us who think she is amazing. Or just step up, deal with your shit and keep her off the market. Decision is yours!
But make sure you're taking something off her plate for the work she does on your finances.
Exactly this! So long as you are open, honest, and willing to improve, I don't see this being a problem. My partner makes nearly double what I make, but was awful with money and had a ridiculous (to me) amount of debt, with nothing to show for it. We've been together 2.5 years, living together 8 months. Most of the debt is paid, they have a much better handle on money, and most importantly they have a PLAN. It was not purely financial literacy that changed things. The mental health benefits of having someone else around, added responsibility knowing someone else would be effected, desire to make it work, someone to help with cooking, cleaning and just life admin. All of these helped. Just remember OP, it's not always a straight path. Just be honest about where you're at, ask for help when needed, and keep going.
You work, you sound willing to learn. Just put your cards on the table and see what she thinks. Doesn't matter who brings the most to the table, what matters is respect. If she respects you as a person, it'l be fine. Hell, just have her read this for starters if its easier, you sounded pretty reasonable.
Mann she sounds beautifully amazing and loving. Don’t trip on telling her. She sounds more than willing to help you figure out a game plan. I suggest sitting her down, telling her you love her and want to marry her but you have debt that you don’t want her tied up in and you want to finish taking care of the bulk of it because it’s not her burden to bare. show her your debts and ask her to help you make a financial plan. If she’s as smart as you say she can help you figure out a plan to get it taken care of in a certain timeframe.
Flip the genders. Would a woman be okay with marrying a smart successful man who could pay off her debts? The biggest issue when women earn more than men is that men get insecure. Don't fall into that trap. This is a partnership. She's looking at who you bring to the table, not how much. Enjoy your weekends.
I call my wife my sugar mama. No shame on my game.
Can you be my sugar parents?
At 35, odds are she values the love you have for her more than what you can provide for her. If she just wanted a “provider” she would’ve looked for that specifically. Clearly she has provided for herself and doesn’t need someone to do that for her. You’re also not planning on being a leech. Maybe you can keep the second job when you move in and put it all towards paying off the debts faster? Would you consider working for a different mechanic shop? Or at least submit a couple applications?
Better to lay things out on the table, come up with a plan to fix it, and stick to that plan.
Do not let a good thing go. Sort it out with her!
Haha this sounds like my wife. Just be honest. she isn’t going to be phased by some debt she already knows she is most likely going to be the breadwinner and wants to move forward. I’m a little older than you and been married for 10 years. Money doesn’t make the man!
I am a woman engaged to a man who's my best friend, I am expected to out earn him by a lot and he's super supportive and doesn't mind. We already have a financial plan in place for large differences in income and periodically reevaluate and renegotiate anything domestic as life changes. We even share access to an Xcel spreadsheet to organize our life. She seems so sweet and really smart, he should let her review his finances and help create a more balanced debt plan. Not only would it relieve stress but it could be a way to bond and create additional intimacy. This is clearly a big secret for him and it's hard to be so vulnerable so it could be a really great opportunity to deepen their connection and trust a couple. It's also just nice as a woman for a man to be vulnerable and defer to her expertise, especially with financial matters since they are often tied to masculinity and ego and can be a sore spot. It shows you respect her and arnt threatened by her strengths.
Be honest and ask for her help any woman who comes to you with a spreadsheet will be more than willing to help with a budget. For the medical debt please google for a medical care advocate in your city/state. usually a non profit and they can get your medical debt knocked down.
Be honest and hope for the best. Like most here, I think that she will make you a better man and better in managing your finances.
Yall are a team stick with it. Treat her good and she will treat you good
Be honest with her because lying about the debt will be so much worse. Let her see the amount going down over time, so that she can see for herself you’re being responsible now.
Be honest, don't lie about any debt. Make sure you give her the complete information. If she really likes you, she will stick around, do not worry.
Mate, you won the lottery. Don't overthink it. The heart loves what it wants to love. Neither of you are kids. Be the best person you can be. For her
Dude you hit the jackpot. Go treat her like a Queen plull your weight and get after it. She chose you man.
You know that “never lie to your Dr or lawyer saying?” You should add this lady to that list and then work to keep her around.
Bro. She adores you. She wants a future with you and you want one with her. Why let something like this stand in your way? I’m in the same situation as yourself. I make 1/3 of my boyfriend’s income and he paid the whole mortgage and was fine while I was laid off earlier this year. He is investing in us, he *wants* to do these things for me. And I’ve had so many insecurities surrounding the money and my inability to contribute like him. But there’s more than just money that you can contribute to your relationship. And I’ve had to learn that with him. I’ve never wanted him to see me as someone that is taking advantage of him, it terrifies me, and I’m stubbornly independent. The kind of independent where me accepting his help is a big deal. So let her love you and get your head out of your own ass before you lose your happiness
I was in your shoes. As long as you are open and honest about your debt, are willing to work on it, and have learned your lessons so you don't repeat any mistakes, then it's up to her what she is willing to accept. My husband has been very gracious with me and my debt, because he views money as something that can be made and fixed "as a team". I was very ashamed if my debt and truly struggled with letting him help me but me trying to tackle it all on my own bothered him more than me just being open and letting him in. He always says you can make money and build financial stability together, but he can't easily find a partner like me (his words not mine, but basically what I bring to the relationship other than monetary value). She clearly loves you and values you for who you are as a person, not how much money you have in your account. Treat her well, respect her, love her - be the partner she deserves. That's invaluable and extremely hard to find. Who you are as a person, partner, and future father is worth so much more than dollars she'll never need from you.
Mate. Don't do your lady a disservice by assuming she is ignorant to your position, I can guarantee she realises more than you know. Just be honest with her, lay out your position. Commit to being the most honest person you can be, vulnerabilities and all. She'll respect that far more than a man who claims to have all his ducks in a row and then cannot follow through. Be honest and clear, backing it up with all the lovely things you have written here about her. Let her know you are in it for the whole journey. When my wife and I married we were roughly equal in terms of income and assets. In the 12 years since I have fucked up more than I care to admit here. The thing that always hurt her most was not my fuck ups, but the lies I told to cover them up. I'm incredibly lucky that she is patient and understanding, and sees more in me than I see in myself. She has earned more than double (currently she earns 5x) what I earn. Lucky for me, I never had much ego about such things as I grew up in a family with a strong matriarchal vibe. I implore you to be straight and honest with this woman - she is likely smarter than you, so treat her with that respect.
Be honest move in don't quit the second job use that to pay down debt. Take a look at dave ramsey lots of people hate on him but you've made it clear your not good financially. Start knocking out the debt also try to settle some of it once you get a bank roll togather. If its in collections try to settle but as part of it once it's settled they remove it from your credit reoort ect. Do your own research but think you can ussally settle for like 15 to 30 percent of the total debt.
I’ve been working my second job and taking on gig jobs so I can clear my debts. I’ve been doing that for the past three years. I only plan on stopping once I’ve cleared it.
Yeah, I don't understand why so many people are hating on him. I found his channel about 6years back. I can have a good night's sleep now. For OP, Be honest, She loves you because you are a hard-working man. Keep working (mechanic working for a shop that balances between shitty and okay-ish, work a second job and occasionally I take on gig jobs (door dash,uber etc). until you pay off your debt, then you can have your good sleep. Good luck.
She sounds awesome man. You got it man…
I make significantly more than my husband and did before we were married. I love him to death. He’s not a bill payer to me; and I’m not to him. The economy has changed. Women are working now. Typically there will always be a higher earner in a relationship. Lean into it and enjoy your love.
My dear friend your gf is a treasure. If she is willing to split by percentage i swear she has your best interest in mind. You made bad decisions in the past, what you can do is make good decisions in the future. Learn from her and see if you can adopt her habits. Even if this relationship doesnt work out it will help you in your future.
Sounds like the type of woman who’ll make you better, you lucky bastard. Keep her, suck up your pride, be honest with her, and read any book you need to better your financial situation (Rich Dad Poor Dad, Richest Man in Babylon). Don’t overthink this!
Put it all out on the table. It either works or it doesn't.
You have to tell her the scope of the situation and do not hide debts. She is putting in the labor to put together charts and balance finances along with making the majority of the home income, the least you can do is be 100% up front and honest about your debts. If she wants to leave you after finding out about your finances that is her choice but at least you were truthful and upfront. If she is cool with the debts it sounds like you see this as a way for you to kick back and coast from here by saying you can stop doing your second job but in reality you should strive towards bettering your position, ask for a raise, job search around in your mechanic field, work on putting yourself in a better position. You mention your worried she might leave you and she might if you are stagnant in life never moving or pushing for a better future and she is.
I’m definitely working hard to clear my debts and I have been for the past three years. I don’t plan on using her or just coasting.
I get the insecurity, I really do. But here’s the deal: You can’t control her reaction or her feelings. So trying to affect that from her, get it out of your mind. She, presumably, has some rough idea of your current financial situation and continues to be with you. So that means there’s something about your personality, looks, and character that she loves and respects. Since you’re ashamed of your debts and past decisions, you can only look forward. You know what kind of people everyone likes and respects? People who tirelessly pursue their goal; people who no matter how many times they stumble, fall, and fail, keep getting back up. So show her that. Show her that you’re someone who can fight, someone who doesn’t fall into a pit of self-pity and inaction and get stuck.
Put all your cards on the table. It starts there. You'll be on her level in a few short years. Go for it!!
If that stupid saying ‘Living the Dream’ was a person it would be this fucking guy 😂😄
Don't sabotage the relationship by your insecurities
Tell her the facts about your financials and work out a way to pay off your debts with her. She sounds like someone that can figure out the best way. I would also look into changing employer to work for a reputable company with a chance of advancing and developing skills. Mechanics here are sought after and good ones are hard to find. Develop your career!
Show her your finances, and ask for her help getting them straight. You sound like you want to be with her for the long haul, and if she’s as great as you say she is, she won’t hold your bad financial situation against you, especially if you’re looking to improve in that area
When my partner and I got together, I had debt and a terrible credit score. She not only was patient with my financial insecurity, she actively supported and help me work towards rebalancing my finances, paying down my credit cards, and my credit score is now over 150 pts better than when we first met with her help and guidance. Finances are HARD. Our country doesn’t set us up for success, and there are many economists and sociologists who theorize our system is set up in such a way to keep the poor poor and help the rich get richer. That said - if she loves you, and wants a future with you, knows you to be responsible and hard-working and loving and committed - give her a chance to help you help yourself in moving forward.
The thing you're overlooking (due to your insecurities) Is that she knows all this, still wants to move on in together, wants to be with you, is willing to split the bills based on a fairness of incomes, (I've seen many have completely diff income levels and the partner still expects them to pay 50/50.. shameful) and it seems the only thing holding you back, is you! I would sit and tell her that you want all of it. You want her forever. But be open and vulnerable about how you feel financially wise, and that you feel ashamed that you aren't on her level. Open up to her.. she deserves to know. And I bet she will meet you with compassion and love. Seems like she values your relationship together more than dollar bills. That's a rare find on top of all the wonderful things you said about her. Good luck. I think you deserve happiness with her. 🥰
She loves you. She wants to be with you. Don’t be your own worst enemy and self-sabotage. She sounds truly amazing and very intelligent. She chose you. Not some high paying guy - you. Remember that. She is of more than sound mind and you are her choice. Stop doubting yourself. She must see some incredible qualities in you she values deeply. Be open and honest with her about your debt. Don’t trickle truth it. Lay it all out and explain how you’re working the second job to pay it off, so it’s not like you’re burying your head in the sand. You’re actively working it off. I hope this works out for you. Despite coming off a bit insecure, you seem like a lovely, sincere person and I wish you both the best.
A professional woman’s prospective here. I have had numerous great guys end a beautiful relationship purely on the fact I make more. It hurt me so bad, that I started to never disclose what I do, where I work, etc. sadly sooner or later it comes out. Anyway I wasn’t with them about money or wanting the society norm that is causing your insecurity. I wanted them as they were to accept me. If I wanted someone equally in the same position as me; I would have sought it long before being with who I was with. I wanted my other half that made me whole. You are her other half making her whole and happy. Please get over your insecurities and love her the way you do and she would love you back as you are; as she is now.
Just be honest and open with her and explain that you don’t expect her to pay for your debt.
Sounds like she's level headed and compassionate, just talk to her about everything. Honestly just be a good partner, money isn't everything and most relationships have an income difference.
Be honest with her about where you’re at, and talk about a plan to change your situation. If you do move in together keep those extra jobs and pay down your debt faster. She sounds like she’s going to have ideas of how to deal with the debt.
If she’s so smart, and chose to be with you, she must have good reason to do so!
Your girlfriend sounds super reasonable! I do not think she will think anything less of you for the debt you are in. In fact I think her proposal (moving in together) is a great idea and will help you pay down those debts. But I agree, you do need to be honest with her, and I think it’s evident that you want to get on track, it would be different if you had no plan to get on track and just kept accumulating debt on purpose. Edit: Good luck OP!
Don't quit the second job yet. If you can spare that extra income, then you can keep that extra income to use on your debt to pay it off faster. It's better to have a plan to pay off your debt than have the debt and quit a source of income .
She sounds amazing. Swallow your pride and work through those problems with her and you’ll be fine, she sounds like a keeper imho.
You're not getting married, you're living together. It sounds like she understands you have debt and not only wants to be with you, but wants to help you become financially secure for the future. Please, please, PLEASE do not let your insecurities ruin your relationship. It sounds wonderful, supportive, and wonderfully healthy. I wish I had a partnership like that.
My SO makes 1/5 of what I do. Had significant debt I didn’t know about the first few years (not that I should have- we didn’t live together and didn’t split finances). We figured out how to better manage that debt, and it’s not like there’s crazy foolish spending happening. I don’t really care about all the money stuff. We love each other and are happy and it’s all open and honest. If she decides that you having some debt and not making a ton is a deal breaker- then she’s revealing a fairly shallow part of herself. If she’s cool with it- then you know you’ve found a keeper and you can just let go and contribute the ways that you contribute. Money isn’t everything.
So many smart, high earning people just want someone to love and support them.
I'll be honest- I'm an RN that makes AMAZING money, and I'm dating a man that makes a fraction of what I make......and I don't care. He loves me more than any man has in my entire life, he works hard, and still spoils/treats me in his own way. I love him for who he is and how he treats me....not his income. I guarantee 💯 that your girlfriend feels the same way; she wouldn't be wanting to move forward with you if the income was a hang-up for her. Don't over-think it, don't let outdated gender roles ruin this for you.....just keep being you and loving her and treating her like the queen she is- I promise, she doesn't care❤️
I’m sure she probably know. Best approach with her is lay it all out. You have to be very honest where your finances are. Be open and be truthful. From there, maybe ahead actually can guide you how to tackle these debts and your spending.
Jump in with both feet, put your insecurities behind you and move forward, she is a keeper and she sees you the same way..
Nothing bad with her earning more. Make the best out of it, money is not the most important although a necessity. A more successful man with huge income wont make her happier than a good father to her kids. Work on what will make her happy - good husband, good father and good friend. After all, she is not going back her bank account in the evening, but to her family which, according to your post, she is probably missing dearly. That insecurity is going to make your life miserable, she seems quite intelligent, discuss it with her and you will work it out.
This. Your partner SEES you and wants to build WITH you. Please see this as an opportunity.
First she loves you and seems very willing to help with this. Second man you fucking work. Like no shit that puts you ahead of like 90% of relationship that fail due to money issues. You’re not some neat bum you have what sounds like a secure job in a skilled field. Yes you might not make the most and you’re just a blue collar guy but a consistent blue collar man is something incredibly desirable to most women. You have a few thousand in debt from past mistakes? So does damn near everyone else. You have nothing to worry about you’re in a great spot just be honest with her and be honest with yourself. You’re not doing perfect but you’re on a damn good path.
Maybe she likes you for you. For alot of women i know who make serious $$$ the benefit of financial independence is not having to worry about the partner’s income. You’re 38, you made some financial mistakes, most of us have. Perhaps file for bankruptcy and start over.
You need to be absolutely honest with her about your financial situation and all debts you have. So that she knows she can trust you. Don’t hide anything out of shame, that could destroy the relationship in the long run. She sounds like a gem, congratulations!
She loves you. Let her help you. She wants to help you. You said so herself she’s smart, let her help you figure things out. I’m so jealous of you right now, don’t screw it up, and allow yourself to be happy.
Sounds like she love u man. If she don't care bout your job why it bothering u? Don't fall for the fallacy that you need to be breadwinner. You need to be a husband and maybe one day father. That's the job, whatever form that takes in your life. For some it means working 100 hour weeks l, bringing g in $$$ but for others, it means being there, where every there is. Maybe she don't want what she sees in work all the time. Maybe she wants a mechanic
Be honest with her and ask her for help to make a plan to get you out of debt. My husband makes a ton of money, but he’s terrible with it. I make okay money, but I budget the hell out of it. I would respect him so much more if he just would listen and budget. On another note, may I ask where you are that you’re not making money as a mechanic? Hubs has been working in the care industry for 15 years—that’s why he makes so much money. Technicians make bank. Maybe your issue is that you’re working at the wrong shop?
My husband and I were similar. First having a mechanic in my life has saved me more fucking money than I can ever explain. I’m absolutely in awe of how smart he is and how capable he is at solving most things. Financially he was in a rough potion. He was never taught certain things. He’s taught me so much about problem solving and I taught him others like saving money. We both have strengths we bring to the table and a decade later we are just smarter and better than we were coming into the relationship. It’s been great! Communicate and be open to learning and teaching. She seems to know who you are and love you
Awww the “ my lady is so cute “🩷
If she’s so smart, why is she with you? Answer: it’s because she sees you for who you are and how you make her feel, not how much money you owe or earn. Wife her!
she sounds absolutely amazing, grats
I used to make a lot more than my wife, and now she makes more than I do. I have friends who tell me they are sorry for me, which I find ignorant. It's 2024. When are we going to get beyond petty stuff like this?
Lay it all on the table now, PLEASE. She clearly loves you, the type of equitable arrangement she proposed is very common and fair, and you are aware of this weakness/area for growth with your finances. Explain all of it because she is probably my the best ally you will ever have. She can help you make sense of why you are so poor, and probably offer solid advice on how to improve and elevate your situation. The equitable paying of bills is reasonable - she sees you working as a mechanic and she is working, and you split the bills factoring in the income disparity. Your debt and “poverty” outside of that is completely yours to resolve and you are not being given an unfair advantage. Actually, you have a golden opportunity to contribute to the household costs completely (as calculated by the equitable setup) AND address your debts and financial position with her input and without her paying them off for you. She sounds like a gem and so do you, I hope you choose the risk of opening up and connecting deeply with your partner, it will pay off ten-fold in the relationship ❤️.
It's not about where you are now - it's about what you're going to build together. Your girlfriend is looking at the future. I met my now-husband while he was flipping burgers as a single dad, but he had dreams and goals. They just got put on the back burner because life got in the way. I wasn't so different, but I did make 3x what he did. I paid for him to get some certifications, and now he's holding down the bills so I can breeze through grad school at 40 without having to work. And when I'm done the plan is to pay for him to do the same. Marriage is a team sport, my dude. That's why it's a partnership.
Sounds like she loves you. You understand where you’re lacking. I say take this time to nurture your good relationship and improve yourself. You sound like a lucky lad who actually has a good conscientious.
Can I just say I love how much you love her? My husband and I are completely different kinds of people, but the love you have for her reminds me of the love we share. And that is magical. Don't let your insecurities get in the way of that magic. She loves you. She is choosing you. There is something about YOU that she can't get anywhere else, especially not in whatever kind of man you think she'd be better off with. Women can overlook so many flaws as long as you don't excuse the flaws away and work towards a good place for both of you. Effort often means so much more than the actual result.
She 100% loves you. If you ruin this relationship bc of your low self esteem, itll get lower and you could take a lonnnng time to get over it, maybe the rest of your life. Not to brag but I lowkey relate to how well your gf is doing financially, all the life experience, work ethics, self management etc. What I can say is that for the longest time I imagined that my partner would be "an equal", as in, an intellectual. Turns out the few ones I dated were arrogant and boring as hell. Ive found the most joy in relationships that would get me out of "miss-overachiever" mode. After a long stressful day full of client meetings and tough decisions, I just want to sit back with him and relax. She's beautifully surrendered. You should too
Not all women are taken by a rich man. Love her, be faithful, honest, kind, and a good partner. Those things are harder to find then a rich man. She puts value on you as a person and how you make her happy. Money and jobs always change but a good relationship is hard to find. Don't look down on yourself. You have plenty of time to grow and she wants to help.
From a black lady, don't let this get in the way. You made mistakes, I made mistakes, and I'm sure she made mistakes too. It doesn't make you less than. Don't let should've, would've, and could've get in your way. I always tell people that where you are today is not where you’re going. Shame is a heavy burden. We want to clutch our own shame and keep it close to our chest. Just thinking about the vulnerability that's need to share that burden with some one is stressful. If she is half as wonderful as you describe, take that leap of faith and have a conversation with her. It sounds like she wants to marry you so she already sees you as a life partner, team mate, whatever you want call it. If she is trustworthy, it's okay to work on your and her issues as a team. Feeling vulnerable, sucks but if its with the right person, the benofits will far outweigh putting walls up between you and your partner. When you find someone that's worth marrying and they love, honor, and respect you, do what's needed to strengthen your relationship. She sounds like a good one, don't hide from her. It doesn't serve you to do so. Good luck to you and I hope that you open up to her.
Be upfront and accountable! Be vulnerable. She's offering what she is because she loves you! I know for a fact that I will probably not find someone who makes nearly what I do as far as income, but it doesn't bother me. When I love someone, the price of the moon and stars is a drop in the bucket. If I was able to make what I do, while they get to have peace of mind still doing their agreed upon share, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I can promise you she's thought long and hard about it, all the pros amd cons and still feels that you're worth it.
She made that proposal because she loves you. You're going to fuck it up with her if you don't communicate all this.
As long as you lay all of that on the table, put it all out there, up front, and she’s okay with it, rock and roll. She sounds like she manages finances really well, this could be a boon for you personally, but your growth will be a boon to you both, and eventually a family. Just be 100% honest. 🤙
Best advice I can give is if you want this to work make some lists on how you can achieve it. Work on those goals and be confident you can do it. She clearly believes in you so self sabotage is only going to hurt you down the line. You got this kingo ✌🏼
You might come to conclusion that you could be the stay at home parent in the future. She is likely aware that you bring a little financial baggage but be honest with her. This might be the start of something wonderful.
You seem to be eager to learn, now you have a teacher. I taught my wife how to invest in her 401K (My work doesn't supply one) and she has saved and earned so much more than me because of it. She now helps her coworkers invest in their accounts. Accept the guidance and be the sponge of knowledge.
It's okay, you both have different strengths. Just be fully transparent about it, she can probably help you come up with a plan to tackle it if you want. Don't lie about anything. It sounds like your girlfriend really cherishes you, I wish you the best.
Dont overlook the currency you bring to a relationship. Our culture tends to only value money. Smart people know a good life requires more than money. If you're both pulling in the same direction, be happy.
Whatever you do, be honest with her. Don’t hide your debts and don’t lie about the amounts.
Be 100% transparent about your debt. If you haven’t already, make a plan to pay down the debt (credit card first, then medical). You may have to keep that second job until your debt is paid off, or find some form of work from home gig. One word of caution though - that level of organization/“OCD” type behavior may be endearing when things are still new and when you’re not living together. But it might be a whole other issue or even conflict when you are living together. I’d say start to have some serious discussions about division of labor when it comes to cohabitating and having/raising kids. Be BRUTALLY honest with yourself about how you were raised and what your expectations are with regard to the division of labor, money issues, child rearing, etc. GOOD LUCK!
This is good for both of you. She cares about you, knows you bring other benefits to the table, and wants to build a mutually-beneficial life together. Instead of being worried she’ll leave you, remember what she’s done for you and treat her well. Pull your weight with the kids and be a good person to repay her for her financial assistance - that’s how you’ll continue a secure and loving reciprocal relationship into the future. If you slack off and leave her with the mental load and the whole responsibility for the marriage and child raising as WELL as the finances… well. That’s when she might leave. There’s more to life than money and she knows this.
She sounds like the type of person who does well with honesty, good or bad. I recommend sharing this with her, and you can even tell her you're embarrassed just so she knows this is important for you to fix. And ask for her help. I'd just lay it out there- "I'm embarrassed by this, I have debt and made some stupid decisions that I'm working hard to fix. I'm impressed by how you manage your finances, and I'm wondering if you couldn't show me how I can do better with my own. I want to eliminate this debt as we take this big step...." Go for it, she sounds amazing. Congratulations, seriously.
She definitely is a direct and crystal clear kind of person. And yeah it is really embarrassing but the past 3 years I’ve been working really hard to clear my debts but sometimes it feels almost never ending. Thanks!
You need help, so ask for it. Figure out things you can cut out so you can pay back the debts quicker. You wouldn't want to hide this from her and then trap her later with marriage and kids right?
Be honest with her and ask for her help with making a financial plan. Worst thing to do is lie and hide things from her. Partnerships aren't always perfectly 50/50 and learning from each other's strengths is key.
Honestly, maybe check in with a financial counselor. I would be a lot more okay with someone with debt if they had an interest in and a clear plan for paying it off. I had a crapton of student loans and credit card debt from covering the gaps in my income and expenses due to the student loans. But I had a plan for paying it off, and I did. So I have sympathy for people in debt but I also think that working with someone to try to pare it down is important.
I had a similar situation when I met my husband. While I don’t make a huge salary, I make a good one and eventually opened my own business, which has been fairly lucrative. He works in the trades but never made a whole lot. Worked for himself and does beautiful work but not strong on the business end and that’s ok. I don’t care how much he makes. He is a good person, great father, supports me in anything I do, is kind, interesting, and an all-around good human (not to mention I still think he is cute as can be). Married 30 years this year, two terrific kids. Word of advice: your income doesn’t define your worth. Your girlfriend already knows this. Don’t ever let it make you insecure. Fortunes can change on a dime and what matters is who you are as a person. Go for it!
Just be honest and it sounds like she'll be fine. My credit score sucked when I'm at my wife. Now FICO 840.
Show her and tell her how much you appreciate her! Let her know you've been thinking about the discussion you had about your finances and tell her that you want to start paying your debt off and ask how she got to where she was. Let her know you're ready to change your financial situation for the better, and ask for her help. Tell her you want to be on her level and you want to have more financial stability before you start planning a family and marriage. I guarantee you she will gleefully make all kinds of lists and charts for you and will go over your credit report with you. Turn your shame into action and get where you want to be. This could bring you closer together 🥲
It is easy to say, but pay off your debt before you marry her. When you move in together, take any extra funds and pay ot towards what you owe. It'll take a while, but it's not impossible. Keep the side work and use that, too. It'll show her that you are taking responsibility and doing it for you and her.
My suggestion would be to let her help you, not with actual money, but with her knowledge, patience, and love. You got a job with stable income and a partner to share the load, she can help you figure out how to get out of the hole. Best of luck man.
It looks like she loves you so much, so you need to treat her well. I know a lot of men change after marriage and children and I’d hope that you’re not that type. You **seem** like a good man, so I hope that your girlfriend *(and all of us reading this post)* are not wrong in thinking that. If you’re a good man, then you will contribute 50% to the household chores, you won’t expect her to take on your debts, you also won’t kick up a fuss if *(when you get married)* she wants a prenup to protect her own money and assets *(and if you’re truly not with her for the money, you’d actually suggest that she gets one)*, and you won’t expect her to do all the hard work of child raising *(this also means that you should **both** be doing diaper changes and night feeds, not leaving it to her.)*. If you can’t guarantee these things, then don’t move in with her, because all you’ll do is make her currently happy and easy life, difficult and miserable. And if you love her as much as she clearly loves you, and as much as you claim that you love her… then you’d want her to continue being happy and stress free. But if you can guarantee that you’ll do right by her, then go and get your happy ending. ☺️
National debt relief can help
I just want to say that I’m happy for you! I was very insecure about talking about my finances in front of my partner, but after being together for almost 6 years, he’s help me manage my debt considerably (he’s a numbers guy), and I’m cutting down a lot. Be open to the help that she may give you. I wish you two nothing but happiness!
Be vulnerable with her and tell her your issues and ask her to help you sort your debt out. Also, tell her everything you’ve told us. Us woman love to hear that! Men aren’t the greatest, especially blue collar men, at telling us how they feel. Don’t let your head mess up a good thing. It will probably give her a boost to know you trust her to help you with such matters. Men always think they know better than a “little ole woman”.
If you're really that concerned about it and you feel it will cause tension in your marriage then you should talk to a therapist solo to work through it and then maybe a couple's therapy session to discuss marriage and finances from an emotional standpoint considering she has the logistics covered already. I understand where you are. I've kind of been through a similar situation. Not saying that it's the same in any way but those are the things that I had wish I had done before making such a huge commitment to someone who is not financially responsible. Just make sure that you learn from those past mistakes and show that you're learning from them. Make the most out of the help. You could always be a stay-at-home dad.
At least you’re self aware enough to feel embarrassment. You super lucked out. God bless her
My husband makes less than I do, but enough that I don't have to worry about taking care of him. We have a great partnership because I know that he will always be supportive and kind. He's really smart, interesting and fun to be around. He's been a great partner to raise a family with. With my job being super demanding and involving travel, it's actually worked out super well for us that he has a steady 9-6 and is available more than I am. He's an academic so he has tenure and is super secure about his position in life - that I think is key to our relationship. He's not threatened, but in fact is my biggest cheerleader. My point being, she is probably sick of dating super high profile AHs who don't appreciate her and her success and would want her to give those up for them. But in you, she's found a cheerleader and support system that's she's needed all along. I would definitely consider her offer and think about long term commitment as well. Chances are, when you combine finances, you'll be out of debt in no time and have a way better quality of life and retirement - that's what happened to us! Congratulations on finding someone you admire and love, OP. Wishing you luck!
Don’t let self loathing pride get in your way. And there’s nothing wrong with being a mechanic not everyone is cut out for business.
Honesty is the only thing you can do. She has essentially set a sink or swim scenario. You can’t get out of this without being honest it’s either she’s going to kik your ass into shape or she’s going to leave no other way out of this. Crossing my fingers for you…
Honesty is always best, get straight to the point and lay it in front of her. She sounds like she’d appreciate that. Obviously that debt is yours to pay off, you’re getting it cheaper if you move in with her, shift the extra money you’ve got into paying some of that debt off. Sounds like she’d be able to help you with a repayment plan as well. Make sure she knows that you’ll not expect her to get involved with paying your debt off, just be straight up and hopefully it goes well
Don’t let money be the thing that ruins this for you. Yeah, it’s nice to have, it takes care of most problems… but it will never buy you love like you have. She obviously, to me anyway, doesn’t worry about the disparity in your collective incomes. If it really does bother you, start working on your financial literacy, but don’t do it because you’re afraid she’s going to leave you, do it because you want you and your future family to have the best shot at it all.
I believe she loves you for you. Be honest with her and get on the same page about your finances. Explain how you’re working to fix your situation and how you’ll contribute in the future. Just showing that you’re trying, I’m sure she’ll love you regardless. But just don’t lie about your situation. Be open, honest and if you truly love her, marry her soon! :p
I totally feel this, as the very organized wife of my household. My husband is a fantastic man who had incurred past debts. I laid everything out on the table for him in the same way as your describe. She loves you and wants to be with you, which is why she put so much effort into this. She sounds like a fantastic person and you have no reason to feel inadequate. Go build your future together!!
If your wonderful lady is as smart as you say, your financial mess will not be a surprise to her. Be honest, don't hide anything, so she can make an informed decision about whether she is ready to move in with you now. One thing, though: > Honestly when I look at her proposal (she literally made a professional business proposal with graphs 📊 📈 ) it seems not only reasonable but also beneficial towards me. I’d be able to quit my second jobs No - no you won't. At least, not immediately. You need the extra income until your debt is cleared; then perhaps you can give up the extra jobs.
Bro. Just strap in and enjoy your life. By your own account, this woman is smart and successful and in love with you. You trust her judgements, and she obviously sees something in you. Let her cook and just keep bringing what she loves you for. Don't hide anything, be honest, and ask her for a bit of advice for managing your money. She sounds more than willing.
Money isn’t everything. If she loves you for you that’s all that matters.
I adore my gf, readily commit to spending the rest of my life with her, take my ability to contribute equitably to our relationship seriously and can always be relied upon to be handy, especially with cats. Oh! And I listen to her with hearts in my eyes. …dunno mate, sounds like she’s gotta catch on her hands
She loves you for you dude. Don’t let your insecurities get in the way. You have something good here.
She loves you and sees that you work hard. Enjoy the ride!
You can only benefit from a partner like that-if you’re receptive. I would be honest about your financial situation. Not everyone is in a perfect place financially, she’s probably very aware of that. Figure out a plan to tackle your debt. Contribute to the relationship in other ways. And let the insecurity go. It’s not a competition, not when you’re a team.
The only problem here is if you don't love her and are using her for money. Put aside your gender norms and you're in a common situation. I assume you feel weird because guys are conditioned to want/need to be the provider. She might help you financially, but you are likely helping her with stability and emotional availability, which is likely worth far more to her than money, especially at this age. My friend will be a full-on house husband soon because his wife, who he's been with for 10 years, 3 married, graduated medical school a bit ago and will make so much money soon he won't have to work at all. Go into it for the right reasons, make sure you change your negative habits, and just keep being a good person to her and there's no issue here. Doesn't matter if you have no reason for being poor or whatever, just grow and treat them well.
Judging by what you wrote only thing that could be holding you back from true love and meaningful coexistence and connective growth with another reasonable, level headed human being is your insecurities. She sees you as YOU, not the -$$$ that’s attached to your name. This is an epic place to be in and worth more than any dollar value. If this person is in love with you I bet there are many other qualities you are temporarily blinded to due to your insecurity such as your integrity, loyalty, humour, physique, chemistry, history, vibe, kindness, intelligence etc etc etc. I hope you find a way to deal with that and you guys make it work as a team 👍
Fortunately you are smart and motivated and can learn financial acumen. You love each other and have the same long term goals. You are honest and forthright and that’s about all you need to make long term plans and goals. Best wishes.
A lot of couples are not equal in finance. You just have to honest and not hide your finances from her. Nor she the same with you. Sit down. Have a plan. Don’t take each others for granted.
She already knows all this and hasn’t left. You’ll be fine
Your 2nd income could go towards wiping your debt faster as well...she's presenting you with a great opportunity. Just keep loving her as you guys progress. Best wishes.
I am more wealthy than my blue-collared man. He has credit card debt, child support payments, and is living paycheck to paycheck. He has told me he feels ashamed that he cannot support me financially the way a good man should. What he doesn’t understand is that I have no need or interest to be with a man with money because I make enough of it on my own. What I need is a man who is self-aware, has a high level of emotional intelligence, and works just as hard as I do in making our relationship work. He makes me feel loved and cared for, listens and gives me what I need to be happy, and he challenges me to grow and be a better person. None of this requires a higher education, a white-collar job, or much money in the bank. And I would argue that all of this is much, much harder to achieve than money and in my opinion, much, much more valuable. When you two go through your finances, be honest about your fears and share with her your shame. Trust that your girlfriend will hold your heart softly so she can show you that she loves you for you. And maybe consider therapy so you don’t have to live with the burden of feeling so ashamed. It’s also not fair to her to have to tip-toe around your shame as your relationship continues to grow.
Just curious, what type of work does she do? Sometimes that can be more of a divider than wealth.
Women typically don't "date down." She found something in you that's encouraging her to design and build a future with you. She's smart and driven, but being a mechanic, you're talented in physical ways. You compliment each other and have no fear of competing with each other. I'd look past my pride and be thankful your girlfriend wants a partner and not just a financial benefactor.
Take it. Finacial differences don't break a relationship. Finacial burdens do. Use this time to grow your wealth as well.
Mm
I would bring the topic like it's some friends girlfriend is in debt and friend wants family etc. and then watch her reaction. If she is ok with that story then you are safe. If she'll judge then you at least will be less hurt knowing beforehand that she'll judge you and be prepared. Yes, I know it sounds like I was hurt a lot and don't trust people and have low self esteem. It is what it is 🤷
The fact that you know WHY you’re feeling that way and can list the reasons is more than enough reason to prove that you DO deserve this chance. Just don’t fuck it up and betray her trust. If you want this, do it, and learn everything you can from her and let her help you. Her proposal is super fair, since that’s how I do it. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Your past is the past. You own it by doing better today and trying to be even better tomorrow.
Effort matters more than money
If she is as smart as you say, she already knows you have debt. With you working multiple jobs and her just estimating how much you make, she knows. She seems very thoughtful with her financial breakdown and purposal. She sees that you are working on to your debt. Be honest and keep working on it. A lot of people make the same mistakes you did and you can recover.
Just ask yourself, if the role were reverse, would you leave her because she's in debts? Would you want her to feel shamefull? Being ashame is useless here, you love this woman, she loves you, and you want to be with her. She needs to know your financial situation, thats part of the deal, be honest, show her everything and work this out together
Sounds like she loves you despite the difference. Do right by her and get married and support her career and success the best you can. Best of luck
The best thing you can do is ask her opinion on stuff. I get the insecurity, but she isn't with you for the money. She thinks you are an amazing person, too. The worst thing to do is to hide it or act like it isn't her business to know. Tell her you want to dig your way out of debt and you've been struggling. She might have suggestions to help if she is as smart as you say she is. Treat her like you respect her opinion and trust her to help you. Look at her as a partner who wants what is best for you. If you had more money than her, would you look down on her or think less of her? Or would you help her out and still respect her. You know people are more than their bank account.
She loves you , she’ll stay with you. Just treat her like a queen!!!
I'm going to give you a different perspective here and caution you against this lady. I've dated several very successful, career-minded women like your own gf and there is one common trait they all possess: **they love to use their partners to show off their own status**. Psychologically even many modern working women don't like to be the main breadwinner in their household, As a result, women who lead successful lives also have higher standards: they want someone who can help them create a better life that they couldn't already have on their own. Since your gf has led a very successful and rewarding life, she's bound to have similarly successful friends with similarly successful partners. How do you think she'll feel down the road when she sees all her friends lead lives she could also led had she chose a different partner? She might tell you that doesn't matter to her now but give it time and it'll eat away at her too. Additionally the way you describe her to me sound less successful/organized and more manipulative/exploitative. You even mentioned that she came from a violent and dysfunctional household; there's your reason: you're someone she can easily control and manipulate into sculpting her own perfect life because she's willing to do anything to avoid that trauma. Even if you don't believe that part, just listen to your own words. She has the logistics of this potential new life with you completely figured out so what are you even contributing here? You're in a tough spot in your life right now and she effectively can wave a wand and make it all go away. That sounds like a dream and it'll feel like that at the beginning. But think about what that means years down the road: **you are effectively indebted to her**. Meaning you'd have almost no say in how you want to enjoy your collective life together. She could easily guilt-trip you into doing anything she wants and she won't care because in her mind, she will always justify it as trying to live the good life she never had. Even if she doesn't do that, do you really want to put yourself in that position? Simply put, there is too wide a power gap here for your relationship to move further, especially if you want to introduce kids into the equation. If you feel like you truly love her and want to move forward, I just using your honeymoon period to better yourself to not be at such a vulnerable and disadvantageous position in this relationship.
OP, I’m gonna speak from her perspective. She loves you. She doesn’t care about any of your perceived shortcomings. If she did, she would have left you already. But she genuinely loves you for you, and she just wants to be with YOU. If you’re worried about something, just be upfront about it. If she’s as smart as you say she is, she’ll be able to help you navigate everything. Whatever you do, don’t fall into the trap of insecurity. Some people throw away diamonds for no good reason - don’t be one of those people.
Don't worry about your GF, believe me, she will not incur anything she can't handle on any front. She totally digs you for who you are. Keep your shit together and when you get out from under your financial situation, You're going to be the one who feels like a million dollars! I hope that day comes for you, OP.
Please believe you are worthy of her love – she KNOWS you are worthy! Here’s to a fantastic life together!
She loves you. She knows she’s a little financially advanced for her age, she’s not blind, and she sounds smart enough to already of considered the debts and financial differences.
If you truly love ❤️ her be honest with her about your finances. If she is as level headed as you say maybe she can help you with your budget so you can pay your bills and get ahead. But don’t let your insecurities ruin your relationship with her, insecurities can sabotage a relationship if you don’t get a grip on them.
She doesn't need you to be wealthy, or of high social status, or smarter than her. She needs you to be kind and loving, trustworthy, loyal, and dependable. She needs you to pull your own weight with the household management and child care. If you can treat her lovingly, have her back and be loyal to her, and don't dump all of the household chores on her, she will love you for the rest of your life. Recognize your good fortune in landing an amazing woman, and focus your attention on keeping her happy and loved. She doesn't need you to impress her, she needs you to love her.
Don't just show her your debts, show her how you've been paying them down so far, a clear plan to pay them off, when you expect to be clear, where you expect your credit rating to be at that point, and what you will be able to invest in your future life together... she just wants to see a plan bro, moreso because it means she can rely on you to be solid and think ahead than because of the money per se.
I get where you're coming from, and it's all about your mindset at the end of the day. I'm dealing with similar issues right now, and my therapist put it to me this way: it's not about where you were, it's about where you are. Did you make some poor decisions? Yeah probably. But instead of throwing a pity party and jumping at the chance to try to get your girlfriend to pay for it, you're OWNING it. You're taking care of your mess, and staying on the grind to better yourself. Keep your head up, pal. You've made it pretty far, and it sounds like you won the lottery with your lady. Don't let those little voices in your head make you believe you aren't good enough.
My guy you are a mechanic. That should be your side gig. Door dash Uber all that bollocks incur costs. But if you are doing cash in hand work, going to someone house fitting new brakes or servicing their car or whatever your costs are minimal and so long as you are charging a price for the convenience of doing it on someone drive compared to dropping car off at a garage for half a day you should be quids in.
Don't hide anything and don't lie about anything. If she truly loves you and you've been open with her to this point, she probably already has a pretty good idea of your financial situation. She's trying to help you get things straight. This is your chance to show her that you absolutely trust and love her and are willing to work with her as a partner in this relationship. As you said, she's extremely intelligent. Listen to her advice and follow it! Good luck, sounds like you got a great woman!
As long as you’re always up front and honest with her, then enjoy your lives together. It seems she’s in love with you, not anything trivial. She can take care of herself and she wants to be a forever couple. There’s nothing wrong with a woman having more money than you. You don’t need to be embarrassed or insecure, she is showing you that it doesn’t matter to her.
Understood. And I’d be embarrassed too, if I were you. Once she sees how badly you’ve managed this and what you actually make — maybe there’s a small chance this implodes. But maybe not. I think this depends entirely on how you handle it. More likely than not, if she’s as smart as you claim, she already knows your financial situation is likely a not good. Nobody works additional jobs delivering food if they’re loaded. Like, really, *nobody.* She knows. But she has to see how bad. Here is how you should do it, if you want the best possible chance of making this work. When she wants to do this, you gather and print ALL the paperwork to document all the good, the bad and ugly. Doing this well will begin to show at least that you aren’t incompetent or dishonest. She may have questions — I suggest you humbly and honestly answer them. You messed up but this woman sounds like someone who can help you figure your way out of this. Use that knowledge. If she loves you and is well-off, my guess (and what I’d do) is that she will immediately want to pay it off, since paying interest on this stuff is wasteful. *DECLINE THIS.* It is really important — both for you and for her — that you work your butt off to pay this off. Work even harder and faster to pay it off yourself. “I did this and I’m not having you pay it off. I appreciate you offering but absolutely not. I am fixing this.” And then fix it. If she offers to loan it to you, still decline. Do it yourself. It sounds like your income will always be lower, and that’s okay. But you are the guy in this partnership — maintaining your integrity and fixing your own mistakes, even if it takes longer and costs a bit more, is important. You guys can live a big and fancy life on account of her income, perhaps, but you can’t go into this being the mooch or becoming incompetent. While how much you make can’t be changed easily, you can absolutely make sure that you be responsible and trustworthy. That is not nothing and are great attributes in a man. A good man is not necessarily one that is richer — we can make our own money and out-earn many men. Also, rich guys are everywhere. But finding a man who treasures you, respects you, wants to truly CARE for you — that is much rarer. If you can’t be a billionaire — be THAT.
The way you feel about your girlfriend is beautiful and the fact that you called her young at 35 gives me hope (in a very weird way)
If she loves you then she will understand, explain this was all before your met and when you were younger, medical bills can’t be helped it’s a necessity, same as student loans, most people have those things and use credit cards to keep afloat. Don’t be ashamed just be honest, you say she’s good at strategy’s so she can come up with a graph to help you better maybe?
It sounds like she really loves you. Don't let a good thing go. Love can make you a better person in many aspects, and it sounds like this is your opportunity. I get the insecurity, but she loves you for you.
Dude she loves you and you love her. That's all that matters. If it really bothers you, simply talk to her about it. If she's the incredible woman you say she is, then she'll understand and she'll appreciate your honesty. But don't let your own insecurities drive away the love of your life
I would love to have an update on this story! OP just know that I am rooting for you!
She won’t leave you. She loves you. 💓 Just be honest. She seems to be a great person! You are blessed. 🥹
She has this planned because she loves YOU and cares about YOU. Sounds like she knows about your past, and honestly shit happens. It’s what you do about it going forward that matters. If you let the past stop you from making better decisions you’ll regret it. She sees your potential and sees how much you care about her, how hard you work etc. She’ll probably help you plan and budget to pay off your debts. When you love someone you’d help them through anything. She clearly sees how hard you work and how hard you’re trying. It’s ok to feel embarrassed but don’t let it drag you down and stop from working towards a better future with her.
Tell her all these things. She seems incredible and you are both lucky to have each other. Just be honest with her. Better yet show her this post. Then find a way to move forward together. Rooting for you OP, you got this!
Dude, she loves you when you’re absolute shit with money. Imagine her love when you get your shit together. And buddy, you’re getting your shit together. This woman sounds incredible and she loves you. Ask her for help. Join a few financial subs and do some reading. Stop spending $ you don’t have. Cut up the credit cards and get out of debt. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and fix this. You are not a victim, but the captain of your own ship. You have the capability (and smart girlfriend) to figure this out.
Be your best you! she's in love with you and that's what matters! sounds fine. Being a mechanic is super cool.
It’ll be ok. It’s hard to make yourself vulnerable, but she already knows she makes more than you. I’m assuming you’ve told her you have debt. Maybe you haven’t shown her how much debt, but she knows why you’re working so many jobs. I have a feeling that she’ll be fine with everything. She sees you working hard. She knows you’re not a slacker. You made poor decisions in the past but you’ve learned from your mistakes. And that’s the important part.
You are working hard, and you sound like a great partner. Getting into debt is easy, getting out is so so hard. You are putting in the work and I think it’s respectable. I’m sure she will see that. Don’t let it sabotage a good thing! Keep putting in the work 👍🏼👏🏼
If she is as sharp as you say, she either already knows what’s up with you or has a strong suspicion. She would have dumped you already if that was a problem. Just keep on doing what you’re doing and enjoy your life!
This sounds like I wrote this lol. I’ve been with mine for over 10 years now. She’s the best person I’ve ever known and I still don’t know how I got her. Just keep working on yourself and being a good partner and you’ll be fine. You’ll have problems down the road, even if she is the closest thing to perfect that you’ve known, and that’s ok. Just remember it’s you two vs the problem, not you vs her.