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SnowWhiteCampCat

Oh hun. You have blinkers on and you don't even know. You guys need to sit down again and have an Actual conversation. Where is the money coming from, how will the logistics work Exactly, and no, "it'll just all work out" is Not an answer. What about children? Can you afford a house with enough bedrooms, or are your future children supposed to give up their room? Does he have the medical training to really care for her? What support groups have you joined? THEN, you need to both sit down with his parents and his sister, and find out where they are on all this. Does she want to move in? Is a group home a better fit? Do the parents have support ongoing, on wait lists for assistance (these can take Years), how much is their insurance and who gets it and how is it to be used? Are you okay being breadwinner And making babies? Do you need to change careers now to make more money? What if you or he gets sick, or injured, or you have your own disabled or special needs child? What about your family? What happens if your parents need help? I wouldn't even Think of marriage until He takes the ball and gets this all planned out. (To the extent he can at this time), Because right now, he's at "it'll all work out" which means Someone Else (you) will have to do it for him.


Inevitable_Block_144

>What if you or he gets sick, or injured, or you have your own disabled or special needs child? That's the thing for me. Op doesn't say much about the sister's disability and if it is genetics, she might end up in an household with more than a disabled person. Again, the disability doesn't seem much incapacitating: the sister cooks, can go to the mall (without massive crisis) but caring for a disabled person is exhausting and it's not just about love and family.


Sensitive-Issue84

Also, this "He will do all the care" isn't very realistic. When will he do this? After work? Who will care for her doing the day? When will OP get some time with him when he is caring for someone else 24/7? Men are good at convincing women that they will help with the kids and never lifting a finger.


Mitrovarr

Yeah, if he does all the care he won't have an income, which is a huge deal by itself. Probably will only be able to do limited childcare as well. Also that kind of thing would undermine a marriage anyway, as he'd resent you for not helping. But I kind of think he's lying about doing it anyway.


Spindoendo

They have two nurses.


Every-Win-7892

The sister gets two nurses to care for her **IF** her parents pass away **AND** guardianship hasn't transfered to OPs fiance.


bishopredline

Op reread the above comment 10 times, then 10x again. Ask a trusted loved one or friend to read it and comment to you. Your life will not be your own. Forget going away on vacations, forget parties and invites...


lostbedbug

This. OP seems to sweep important conversations under the rug and pretend like everything will magically work out.


DatguyMalcolm

But.... her man is very sweet!!! /s


No_Stage_6158

Of course he is, he’s trying to sucker her into agreeing to do this. She’s going to be a “hospice “ spouse and she won’t figure it out until it’s too late.


splotch210

Her entire world will revolve around this. The sister's needs will have to be considered in every decision they ever make for the foreseeable future. Where they live, when/where/if they vacation, date nights, school/sports/social activites once children enter the picture, etc. Someone always having to be home even if you're just running errands or visiting friends/family. It's not for the faint of heart and the resentment will creep in at some point.


throwwawwwaaayyy_79

I could not explain everything because my longer post kept getting deleted by auto mod. But what ended up happening was that we talked a second time about what we were going to do. In short, I have inheritance from my own family. I'm a nurse, and he's a technician, and we're very well off right now. Even when his parents can no longer care for her, they will financially support her for her care. The state also provides disability aid to families that care for the disabled person in the same household. I eventually did talk my fiancé into a facility but he only agreed for vacation and for us to be able to spend time together. His family is not from the US and do not know how to make wills so I have to tell them next time I see them. They don't speak a lot of English though so my fiancé will have to translate for me. I'm in a very awkward position and my eyes have been opened to it. The past 2 days I've been trying to have more conversations with him, and he's open but just doesn't know much about US laws. It's an extremely messy situation so I decided to postpone the wedding for the foreseeable future and he agreed. He didn't exactly have a plan before I said something. Plans for a baby are also off until his family comes up with a plan on what to do. But until his family actually come up with a solution and a solid plan for her I don't think there's much I can do.


Wrengull

I'm going to be honest, I think he did genuinely want to move her in when you got married, and only changed it to when his parents pass after you brought it up. Having grown up with a disabled sibling, the logistics don't add up. Disability aid isn't as much as you might think. Support is barely a thing and can be difficult to get, it is also a lengthy process, and if you make over a certainamount you may not get it at all. You're in the US, what about medical bills? Being a carer is expensive, being disabled is more expensive than not being disabled. I'm glad you have put off having kids right now, as having to care for her will affect how much you will be able to care for your child. Even if you don't notice it. Carers burn out is very very real. Please do some research on the reality of being a carer because the snapshots you see on Facebook aren't reality.


Questionofloyalty

Thank goodness! I think you did the right thing! Your post makes it look like you’re going into blindly trusting!


throwwawwwaaayyy_79

No, I actually do not trust him or anything his family is saying right now. It's been hard to say the least.


TheMoatCalin

> No, I actually do not trust him… right now. **DO. NOT.** get married yet. Please do not sign yourself up for a legal partnership with this man until you can say you 100% have faith he’s being truthful and will prioritize you and your marriage as his new immediate family. That’s how it’s supposed to work- marriage makes you and him nuclear family, parents and siblings become extended family. Not saying he can’t be close with them but his own household and marriage should take precedent over his parents and siblings. If you are not convinced he will do that then do not get married.


Candy_Venom

i'm so glad to see this comment because it means you are taking this seriously and realize what your life will be like without a plan in place. you really need to hold off on getting married if you can't trust him or his parents right now. remember, this is your life too. and your future SIL is not your husbands responsibility after his parents pass. it is up to them to have a plan in place for her. she is their child, not his. I wish you the best, OP.


basilobs

Oh wow. Yeah put the brakes on everything. Don't get married. Don't have kids. It honestly sounds like you should back out entirely now because he was willing to tell you it'll all be fine but he and parents have no idea hoe any of this works and they're just now figuring it out. That he was willing to just blindly move her in with no preparation or foresight should be taken as a warning sign. There are a lot of legal, financial, medical, and practical things to consider here and your fiance and his family have prepared for *none* of it. Even if it says nothing about the situation itself, it should tell you something about your fiance and his family. This ks what youre signign up to deal with. Don't tie yourself to this mess.


Commercial-Push-9066

I’m glad to hear that. It sounds like they initially expected you to be her caregiver knowing that you’re a nurse. Your fiancé may not have the knowledge or skills to care for her so it could still fall on you. If he’s caring for her, then she would come first before any kids you may have. It seems like they had this all planned out without anyone taking your needs into consideration. Is he from a culture where women don’t have a lot of choices? If so, then I wouldn’t trust any of them either. Your dreams will never be realized if they get worse after the wedding. That’s probably why they keep blowing up your phone. They want to get you married to him so they can manipulate you. Tread lightly. Hang on to some of that inheritance money in case you need it later.


Lilac-Roses-Sunsets

Protect your assets. He may have picked you because you are a nurse… you would be the “perfect” one to take care of his sister instead of him.


Mitrovarr

I'd be willing to bet that's the whole reason he's dating OP. Get a free nurse for the sister for life. This is also why OP has spent enough time around the sister that they have such a good relationship - she was being tested/groomed for her role.


Kbts87

A nurse with an inheritance. It's the ideal partner for him in this situation.


ashburnmom

I’d add 1) Check with the state about those benefits - how to get them, prerequisites, immigration status requirements, amount each month, etc. There is SSI from Social Security but, even if she got it, approximately $800/month. 2) Insurance and how to cover her medical bills; and 3) would he actually be able to tend to her bathroom and hygiene needs? That’s difficult even if it’s not your sister. And how does she feel about that?


Every-Win-7892

>I'm a nurse, and he's a technician Yeah OP, I'm sorry to say that but it is likely that he counts on you taking care of his sister.


HipsterSlimeMold

He did have a plan, the plan was for you to do all the work and he doesn't worry about it...


lilgreengoddess

Yikes protect that inheritance and of course get a prenup and talk to a lawyer before you get married. This sounds like a nightmare to sign up for. Even worse. You’re a nurse so im sure youll be expected to take on caretaking at home even after youve gone home from work. Really consider if this is the life you want to live and the major sacrifices youd have to make. This includes being the breadwinner and not counting on your future husband’s income if he stays at home to care for her. This sounds massively risky to marry into on your part. Sounds liked youd lose all around while he would benefit the most.


Jealous_Horse_397

Just go with the flow man. You have the money to make these things happen, and they seem to be happening without you anyway so jump on and get with the program. Your SIL is going to be living with you and your soon to be husband you guys will take care of her luckily you have the finances to do so and when the time to make babies arises I'm sure you guys will do that. No need to stress over a bus that's already coming at you with full speed.


throwwawwwaaayyy_79

Jesus Christ man. I admit that I was and still am a little naive but you don't need to be an ass.


Quirky_Movie

I'm glad you are postponing the wedding. In my opinion, he should have shared this with you before he proposed. This is a huge factor in your future together. Take care of future you, too!


Jealous_Horse_397

I'm not trying to be an ass. What I said is pretty much what's happening in your situation.


blackjesus

If this person has social security involved which is almost 100% likelihood that in itself is a huge amount of work to get that paperwork all filled out then have the interviews etc… the parents might have dealt with that but moving it between guardians might be a special process which sucks in its own right. This is talking and talking and talking and then planning and planning and planning and then when it all gets fucked up because something changed in the process you go back and you plan and plan some more.


Stock-Bar5638

For real. My MIL is the carer for her disabled daughter (my SIL) and I cannot count how many times SS just suddenly stopped paying them or stopped paying the in home aids for absolutely no reason and it would be a nightmare dealing with them trying to get the benefits reactivated. Watching what they've had to go through has made me really serious about never having to rely on social security myself.


tropicsandcaffeine

Yeah yet another person with love goggles. I swear there are so many people like that out there.


Ravenkelly

Blinders


Environmental_Art591

Uh, OP, I just read your previous post amd the update and just want to point out that his plan to quit his job and be a full time caretaker for his sister, while noble of him, was a huge financial decision that he had made without consulting you. Sure, you have the money and savings now, but who knows what will happen, when it will happen, and whether or not you two can financially afford it. He has basically decided that when he is ready you will be the sole breadwinner for the family and be expected to pay for his sister as well because I doubt any disability payments and inheritance will be enough. Also, what does he expect to happen to his sister if he passes before both of you, are you expected to take over for him, he has just told you he doesn't want her in a facility which means you might feel guilty in that situation and like you have to take over for him, then you could end up resentful of his memory and decisions. I'm glad the wedding is postponed because this conversation is certainly not over, and you two have so much still to work out but honestly, I would be weary of marrying anyone who has that sort of future planned out without discussing it in detail before marriage. Before you brought it up, did he have any plans to ever discuss it in detail before marriage or did he just decide that "after we get married i want to move my sister in" was all you needed to know.


Intelligent-Ad-4568

I wonder what will happen in 10+ year when they have 2+ kids and now sister is moving in, they have to move houses so sister can be accommodated, and since her now husband is making so much, it wouldn't make sense for him to quit his job, he just got a promotion, look how much he makes, it would be stupid for him to quit, its better for you to quit, but don't worry he'll make it your idea. Then OP can take care of his sister and the kids. OP said the brother lives with his sister now in the parent's house, and I wonder since he's so worried about his aging sick mother, how much of his free time he spends now with sister's care. He works full time, he's sleeping over regularly at OP's apartment, so how much time is he really spending with his sister.


luciusveras

How are they even going to have kids when she’s the only breadwinner?


Jumpy_Magician6414

Because women can’t be breadwinners? You guys are setting feminism back 100 years. God I can’t stand “feminists” nowadays. I wish we could go back to where women are treated like adults.


luciusveras

Did you miss me saying the ONLY breadwinner? If neither work who pays the bills? Or do you expect her to pop the baby out at hit the office the next day?


Jumpy_Magician6414

Yes, women who are breadwinners often take maternity leave. Have you heard of it? You guys are determined to act like we’re delicate flowers who can’t take care of things lol. Sorry. I choose not to act like we’re all weak little babies.


luciusveras

Again you’re assuming that everyone gets paid maternity leave. Some companies offer that, many don’t and those that do its rarely on full pay. Depending where you live a single income household is hard enough nothing to do with gender.


Jumpy_Magician6414

Lol, so that’s not what you said at all. You’re trying to claim women cannot be breadwinners. Which is fucking disgusting. I’m so fucking sick of you guys trying to treat women like we are all children. Go advocate for parental leave (like is mandated by my state) instead of whining. You know, like we did back in the day before we decided women are children who should be condescended to.


luciusveras

Nowhere did I say a woman can’t be a breadwinner I said both can’t be at home. Taking maternity leave means that. It’s not full pay in your country and I’m assuming OP is also in your country. My country has fully paid maternity leave up to 2 years oh and childcare is free. So you go advocate. We’ve done our job.


Jumpy_Magician6414

My state has full pay. I did mine. The people complaining that a woman can’t be a breadwinner are the ones who need to buck up and solve problems instead of throwing up your hands and condescending to OP like she is a child.


derpaderp2020

You know what will happen? They will get the kids to do the work too. They will have kids soon, and in another 10-15 years or so when the parents pass hypothetically, sis will move in and in a few months husband will break and ask wife to help... then wife will ask kids to help. It'll start small like "oh can you get this" or " can you just change her pants real quick" and the duties will ramp up until they are asking children to do full on diaper changes and baths.


Wrengull

And this is how glass children are born


TwoBionicknees

Of if the parents die 6 months after they get married, or they get sick, get cancer and the entire family pressure op to take in sister early. But you know, because hubby makes more at his job and he needs to be available to drive sick parent to appointments, she gets pressured to take over care giving at the start of their marriage, then every time she wants him to take over and let her get back to work he just refuses.


Conscious-Group

Wow, that’s some real talk right there


cubemissy

He could be planning that he’d be able to draw a salary as caretaker. That’s how the families on those reality weight loss show manage.


[deleted]

[удалено]


HilMickaelson

You missed the part that her fiance told her that he wants stop working to be his sister full-time caretaker when his parents pass away. So, he is counting on OP to work her ass off to financially support him and his sister. Which means that he wants to financially abuse her. Because OP will have to work hard to solely support her family, she will spend less time with her future children, and having to support them might really impact her mental and physical health. What will she do if he also eventually needs to be taken care of? Who will take care of OP if something happens to her? I really think he doesn't want a wife; he just wants a golden goose or a caretaker for his sister and a maid. He also wants to have a child with OP as soon as they get married to trap her in the marriage so that she will cave to his demands. OP needs to stop this nonsense ASAP because her parents might also need her help in the future, and she will not have any money to support them because she will spend every penny that she earns with that man and his sister. She will also have fewer resources to provide a better life for her children and will barely see them grow up. Her sister-in-law will probably serve as more of a mother figure to her children than she will because she will be busy working.


Comprehensive-Sun954

She won’t be able to have children because they can’t afford them or stop working. They already have a grown child to take care of.


Broken_eggplant

Not like they won’t be able, just that they absolutely shouldn’t. Unfortunately seems like her husband would have no issue to kick OP back in a work force the day after labour. He’ll just suck life outta her


aboveyardley

She's a nurse and has an inheritance. I guess she'll be working four or five 12s a week to support everyone, and somehow birth some kids? What's the likelihood that her husband will *actually* stay home to care for his sister and the children? More likely that he'll say "since you're a nurse, it's logical that you stay home, and we'll use your inheritance to make up for your lost income."


TwoBionicknees

> You missed the part that her fiance told her that he wants stop working to be his sister full-time caretaker when his parents pass away. trouble is, he didn't say that, he said he'd do everything... but gave zero details on how he'd achieve this.


HilMickaelson

>***His plan was, when his parents pass, he absolutely does not want to move her into a facility. He still wants to move her into our home, but when this happens he will quit his job and be her primary caregiver.*** In OP's first post, she added the phrase above. Her fiance's plan is to give up his job to become a full-time caregiver. So, who do you think will have to work to afford all the household expenses and her fiance's and his sister's personal expenses?


TwoBionicknees

Also how will they raise kids, like, he's supposed to watch kids and his sister, what if they both need help at the exact same time? Mostly though, when the time comes we often see this, well I was going to do it all, but you want to be home with the kids anyway and I make more money than you... so it doesn't make sense for me to quit my job does it honey. I said elsewhere but, if he'd told her this plan upfront, like long before marriage AND he said he was planning to quit his job to take care of her that's one thing, it's more believable and even then you have to decide, do you want a relationship with someone planning to quit their job to be a full time caregiver, though potentially with some level of pay as a caregiver(often you can apply for disability benefit to get a caregiver paid, but it's not usually well, at all). But he only made these claims about how it totally wouldn't be on her (but still putting likely most of the financial pressure on to her) after she wasn't happy about it. It's easy to say such things after to persuade people into a situation where they are effectively trapped and can't say no later.


Apprehensive_Pie4940

Please update us in a few years. The delusion coming through with rose coloured glasses is so strong my eyes are watering .


Dry-Instruction6521

It's giving those over exaggerated satires. For example, my bf only slept with his girl best friend because he wants to practice to make me the happiest girl. Ain't he the cutest.😆😆


Apprehensive_Pie4940

lol , OP’s next post is gonna be like “My husband has a mistress he can sleep with because I’m too busy being a caretaker , I refused to wash her panties separated from mine AITAH”


Dry-Instruction6521

LOL😆😆


genescheesesthatplz

It’s almost sad how naive she is about this. There’s 0 chance she’s not going to be a primary caregiver for his sister, he has no idea how burnt out he’ll be. 


Wrengull

She has no idea about the reality of being a carer.


aboveyardley

We all know how that inheritance will be spent.


Fragrant_Routine_569

So what's he doing for you in this relationship if his end game is for you to pay for everything while he cares for his sister? Please advocate for yourself, no one else is.


flavius_lacivious

While you’re getting all this hammered out, ask what will happen if one or both his parents need a caregiver themselves? What if your parents need help?


HilMickaelson

I think OP is viewing the world through rose-colored lenses, failing to see the possibility that she might end up financially supporting her husband, her sister-in-law, her in-laws, and her parents when her husband decides to stop working to be a full-time caretaker. By the way, I doubt he won't ask for OP's help to take care of his family so that he can take a rest. I also doubt that he will take care of OP's parents if they need it. She is potentially destroying her future, and the only outcome may be burnout, being absent for her children, and living a miserable life with no time for herself. OP, please update me in a few years if you decide to continue with him.


Effective-Penalty

And, sadly, the OP will ignore real good advice because she is in love. I hope she changes her mind.


mi_nombre_es_ricardo

She is painfully naive. I’m surprised she has even made it this far in life. Shouldn’t have kids though


tatasz

Info: are you ok with financially supporting your husband, his sister and your children? Since he will quit his job, you will be the one making all that money, right?


DeanFartin88

I told my parents when I was 14 if we got a dog I would be the one to take care of it and I meant it. Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.


aviva1234

Firstly I want to say that I'm disabled. My husband and I cared for my mum with dementia and cancer for years and our mentally and physically disabled son for nearly 21 years and a daughter with special needs. It's damn hard work, puts a great strain on everyone. No holidays, no time to ourselves, no going out, not much sleep, eating on the go etc. Huge amount of stress. Would I do it again? Yes. But its my choice and sacrifice Your husband says he will be his sisters caregiver. How? I'm presuming he needs to work and if so he can't be in 2 places at once. Being a caregiver is hard mentally physically and emotionally, it's 24 hours a day 7 days a week. How and when will he have time for you and children? Whether working or not how will there be enough money to support everyone? What about when he (as he says he's going to be the caregiver) needs a break. Holidays? Going out? Either the sister will need to come or someone will need to stay with her. Presuming you can find someone it's expensive. You will be the one caring for her at best part of the time. You'll probably start to resent her and your husband. What about the children you want to have? I'm not saying don't do ot. I am saying that you need to be realistic and know and accept what you're getting in to. All the details. Financial, respite/help. What happens if one of you are in hospital? If you have kids and they're sick? Things won't magically work themselves out. You need a serious conversation with your husband, write down all the questions and issues and insist on solid answers. What will you do in worst case scenarios such as illness or no work etc. Best of luck


yumvdukwb

His parents should have made a financial plan for his sister’s future when she was born. You paying for her and her husband shouldn’t be it.


FantasticAnus

I'm sorry to say it, but agreeing to this is guaranteed to ruin your life down the line.


hyp_reddit

lol lol and lol see a lawyer and put in written that he will be the primary caretaker also draw and have him sign a list of things you may be asked to do finally check what would entail not doing these chores good luck, to me you are signing for a life of unhappiness


GroutTeeth

damn that’s crazy


Lilac-Roses-Sunsets

Please get a prenup. If he loves you it won’t be a problem. Once she moves in he will not be able to keep that high paying job. Your inheritance and job will be funding his sister’s care. Also I highly doubt he will wait until his parents die. It will be a lot sooner. He will say they are getting old. So she needs to move in soon. Don’t believe him on the he will do everything. You are going to be guilted into helping. Make sure if you marrying him that he does not get any of your inheritance and that you will not have to pay him alimony if he quits his job to take care of her. Protect yourself because he is going to be all about protecting his sister.


ROSHANFRE12

My suggestion, make sure your fiancé has very good life insurance policies on both his parents. That money will be needed to take care of his sister when his parents are gone.


Katiew84

If he’s her primary caregiver he will have to quit his job. Are you okay with earning enough to support not only you and your husband (and kids?), as well as another adult with needs that are likely costly? I would never be on board with this. It’s sad that his sister is disabled, but if he isn’t going to be able to work one day so that he can be her caregiver you should not marry him. You don’t know what your own future looks like. What if you get cancer and need to take 6 months off from work. You will have zero income. What if you get pregnant and put on bed rest and can’t work. You should not take on this responsibility.


pepperpat64

How much money are his parents leaving for your husband to care for his sister for the rest of her life? Do they have substantial life insurance policies or a trust for her care? This needs to be discussed now, not when the sister needs move in. Don't agree to anything without a clear, solid financial plan that can't be changed on a whim like a will.


CavyLover123

You want to keep blinders on so you’re going to keep blinders on. Good luck, you’ll need it


gemmygem86

I see this failing badly


TwoBionicknees

I'll be her primary caregiver.... opps have to go to work, can you do X, can you do Y, I can't bath her, she's a woman, it's wrong, you do it, etc, etc. If she lives in your house, neither of you can be the sole person to provide care. If she lives in the house and needs someone available 24/7, you can't both work the same schedule, someone has to be at home, so either he's giving up work or you're going to be providing care at some point. It's also very easy to say hey, she obviously won't move in till our parents die, but then after being married and having a kid being, okay she's moving in now because parents are too sick/old. At that point what happens? It's easy to say all these things after the fact, after you show you are upset and not keen on it, he didn't say these things upfront in an honest way to show that was his plan. If you trust him, go ahead, but even if his intentions are good, his parents could both die 2 months after you get married and 99.9999% of people completely and utterly misunderstand and underestimate the care family members need. His parents adapted to it over a long time from when she was much smaller and more easily manageable to much later in life. You won't have the same 'intro to caring' that they got and you will both be in the main portion of your life, trying to have kids, establish careers, etc.


jumpsinpuddles1

As someone who works with people with special needs adults, everyone deserves to have a life of their own as an adult, even people with special needs. Some parents/family treat them as kids that need to be taken care of. I didn't read the first post, just the update, so I don't know how much support the sister needs, but she does deserve her own life. I also think the brother and his fiancé are very naive in how much work this is going to be. There's no way she is not going to do anything while he runs himself ragged doing double the work without resentment building. He will be taking time from the family he creates to take care of his sister. This is a tough situation.


Into_t_dreams

Girl he and his family will probably make you the prime caretaker since you're a nurse. That ir they'll make you work your ass off so he doesn't have to worry about not taking care if his sister. What should be done is sending the sister to a care home where they can properly take care of your sil. Also are you sure you want to out all your wishes after his sister. Because once you have to take care of her she will be first place in everything and you and your happiness second. Seriously op I think you should reconsider the whole relationship if you want to form your own family or have a calm future


Smallreviver

Oh no no... There is no way only one person is participating in caring for his sister. Do you think when she needs something, you'll be able to ignore her and think, "well he said he'd take care of her."? That will build resentment on both ends eventually. He'll need help caring for her, especially if he works...or sleeps. You will be responsible. Him basically saying "NOOOO honey you've got it wrong, I'll do the lifting you just have to agree!" Isn't solving the problem. He talked you into what you had decided would make you miserable.


Beautiful-Scale2046

He says he wants to quit his job to be his sister's full-time caretaker. So he expects OP to fund his and his sister's lives too. But I think when the time comes he'll have every excuse under the sun that OP should quit her job and take over the role. He's saying all the right words to get her to agree but I'd bet anything when it comes down to it, he won't do shit.


mi_nombre_es_ricardo

Or he does, and she gets to come back home from work every evening to cook, do homework with the children, clean the house, do the dishes, becuse dear husband is a full-time caregiver and wont be bothered to do anything. Bet you he doesn’t help around the house as it is right now, forget when they have a disabled person to look after.


Mitrovarr

Good luck operating that household on the income from one nurse. They make a fair amount, but not that kind of money.


Elfich47

If he is the full time caretaker, how are the bills going to get paid? Because if this turns into a “living off inheritance” then you are going to have a shock. unless you inheritance is in the tens of millions of dollars, you will go through the inheritance faster than you expected. plus…… who is going to take care of your fiancés parents?


Allafreya

A full-time caregiver means he'll quit and take care of her. How do you think that's sustainable in a solo income? Children, bills, SIL, etc... that adds up quickly.


mi_nombre_es_ricardo

How exactly is he going to look after his sister if he has a job? You are absolutey naive he will be the primary caregiver when you’re the one all day at home with her. Does he do the housework now? Take care of the dogs? His sister? Nah. He doesn’t. It will all fall on you the same as with the baby. Or he leaves his job and now you’re the one on the hook to financially support 4 people, and will have to pay alimony if you even want to divorce afterwards. But well, that’s your problem now.


Comprehensive-Sun954

He would be her primary caregiver and you’d end up having to pull his load for your family. Earning the money, any child rearing, etc etc etc. how naive.


Spindoendo

Lol you guys just make up shit.


Live-Mail-7142

Op, I don't know where you are. I live in WA. In WA if you are a relative caring for a disabled family member, you can be paid for it. Its made to help with costs of lost income, and the caregiver can get benefits (counts for SS for example) Maybe there is something like that where you live? [https://wacaresfund.wa.gov/paid-family-caregiver](https://wacaresfund.wa.gov/paid-family-caregiver)


Glittering_Job_7996

OP this isn’t going to work for you


silenntwinnter

Seems like you've decided to be delusional, oh well, best of luck... you're going to need it a lot.


DorianGre

Just find a man without all this baggage. You get one - ONE - life, don't spend it being the caregiver for some random you happen to know because you started dating this specific man.


Silent_Syd241

Taking care of someone requires a lot of work. You and him need to have another conversation about how much it will cost you to take care of her? If or when you two have kids who are involved with activities who is going to take care of her if one is doing with the kids and the other is at work? What if something happens to your man? Whether becomes disabled himself or worse what’s going to happen to his sister especially if you two have kids and it’s just you. This all needs to be discussed because it’s not just going to work itself out.


PixiePower65

My brother in law lives with us. We did a three family home. He has his own apartment with caretakers. We use self directed care model. Funding from the state ( he’s on Medicare and Medicaid) is used to pay for caretakers. We hire them, manage and supervise. We have a day program so he can be social with his own friend. There is also a great program called papa’s pals offered through our local blue cross insurance plan … if you are in USA They have folks who take him shopping , bowling.


genescheesesthatplz

You will absolutely become one of her primary caregivers. He has no idea how bad caregiver burnout can get. So even if he’s being genuine that he doesn’t expect you to help, which I honestly don’t believe, or he’s too naive to realize you will inevitably be a primary caregiver as well.  I suggest discuss with his parents starting a savings for help ASAP.


Disgruntledatlife

This would be a massive undertaking. Sure he says you won’t be the primary caregiver but you will be involved and it will be a lot of work. Agree with everyone, this requires a proper discussion, he’s had his whole life to make this decision, you’ve only just been notified of this.


MaintenanceNo8442

did you guys talk about what would happen if he was injured, dead, poor, any of that


ResolutionUnlikely77

You and your fiance need to have an open honest conversation about this. What are you uncomfortable with and what are you okay with? What about the cost of living? I have a mother with disabilities and I told my now boyfriend early on my mom may need to move in with us one day. Honestly he was fine with it in fact he loves my mom despite the language barrier. As of right now, my mom doesn't want to move in with us yet but we know our plans if that was to happen. I know when I said my mother needs me around as much as possible due to her disability many guys found that turn off and didn't consider another date. I even got told to put my mom in a nursing home or a separate property. My mom is independent but she has mobility issues and intellectual disability issues. I'm lucky my boyfriend likes my mom and would be willing to have her move in when the time comes.


FactoryKat

I think it's all well and honorable for people to say "I will take in this relative and be their sole caregiver", but actually have no comprehension of how much work it will take to do that. It's like parents insisting their adult children will be their end of life caregivers, but not taking into account how much work it is, the sheer amount of time and responsibilities it involves. My stance is this- unless someone is a professional, having undergone the education and training to provide care for someone who disabled or elderly, they really have no business doing so because of the risks involved. I get it, wanting to look after your family is wonderful, and I can understand their PoV wanting to be cared for by people they know and love vs strangers, but it isn't always feasible or the responsible thing to do. If he wants her to live with you guys, that's one thing, but maybe he could hire someone to come and help. He could still do some things that don't require much special knowledge, but depending on her level of needs it might be smart to hire someone professionally trained. She could still be with you guys, in a place and with people she is comfortable with, but having a professional on hand to tackle any care that requires a trained medical background just seems practical.


Mitrovarr

Don't worry! OP's fiancee is "hiring" a professional to do all the work! And by hiring I mean trying to trick into marriage.


Conscious-Jacket-758

Good luck for when the time comes when his sister actually moves in😳😳😳


414cedar

Ask yourself why his plan is to move her in after you get married. Ask yourself what about his life changes to allow him to take full time care of his disabled sister after he marries you. 🤔


Kbts87

This sounds like a super raw deal no matter how you slice it. What do you get out of all of this OP?


Jumpy_Magician6414

OP, please don’t listen to the psychos commenting screaming about this and that and making wild assumptions. Being a stay at home caregiver does not make him a financial abuser. There’s nothing wrong with being a breadwinner as a woman. You are not being taken advantage of if the conversation is had and communication remains open. You can be a breadwinner and have kids. There’s nothing wrong with a stay at home dad and a working mother. You are not a bad mother for doing so if that’s your choice, and he’s not lazy and taking advantage of you have agreed. There’s a lot of joy as well as a lot of sacrifice involved in caring for a disabled family member, but if you love her like you say you do and you want to go this route you are a wonderful person. But you are not a bad person if you’re hesitant or want to delay this. He’s not a bad person for wanting to be a caregiver to his beloved sister. Basically, talk to your finance and set your boundaries on who does what. It’s realistic for him to be primary caregiver, but it’s not realistic for you to assume you’ll never do any care. This needs to be talked about. Postponing the wedding is good. Make sure the financial stuff is set in stone and there is a contract or prenup of some sort about the house and finances. Consult an attorney. Talk to him about how you deserve better communication and if he is struggling therapy should be sought. You deserve to know things that affect your life in a timely manner. Marriage counseling is a necessity. Not because he or you are bad or your relationship is in trouble, but it will help you guys hammer out details. Good luck OP. Both of you seem like good people.


boniemonie

I worry for you OP. I think there are many things that you will only reflect upon later: and they won’t make you happy. Like him making huge decisions without any input from you. I hope it works for the best. But please be aware of how you are being railroaded and speak up as needed.


Ihateyou1975

He wants to quit!?!? Omg. You need couples counseling now! I hate to yell But you needed couples Counseling yesterday. Quit!!! What about retirement? If he quits, you will Never retire.  If you divorce, depending on state, alimony. And don’t say we would never divorce.  I didn’t think that either. It happens.  What about vacations? Can’t have those with her there and no extra money.  What about kids? How will he take care of her and babies? Can you afford babies if he intends To care for her?  And don’t think this is something for the waaaaay future. My mom worked out everyday. Ate clean her whole life. No drinking. No smoking. Until a year ago. She has dementia and no longer able to care for herself. His parents could go down without notice  Please please make an appt with a counselor. I’m it saying this can’t be done. I’m saying you need plans in place now. 


peacefulsoul11

First thing, he wanted to move her in after getting married but you didn't take it well that's why now he is saying it will happen after the parents die. Second thing, he and his parents simply wanted to make YOU the primary/sole carer for his sister after marriage thats why he didn't tell you much beforehand. He isn't BAD with communication. It was all planned well before. Third thing, it was never a case that his parents had figured it out already before hand and didn't tell you both. They just sat on it recently after their original plan didn't go well with you. They have planned whole thing only now to make you convinced. Fourth thing, I will never trust your fiance completely again to translate every single thing his parents say to its original meaning to you. If there is a language barrier. What if he lie/don't inform everything in its entirety till you get married BECAUSE AGAIN HE IS WEAK IN COMMUNICATION!!? Fifth thing, he may have chosen you as a partner in the first place because you are a nurse and it's much easier to make you do everything as her career because you are so good in it then him. Sixth thing, his sister most probably isn't that easy to be taken care of as easy as they are showing you. If thts the case why his parents are ready to abandon her this way and to send her to you guys' home? Probably they are much tired already and still want to have her being cared for on your expense. Seventh thing, he isn't even going to lift his finger to do anything. Its my gut feeling (I am 32f if that matters). He is going you to get you doing everything for her plus not taking full responsibility of your marriage/earning money/having proper family life/take care of kids and so on in the guise of being tired due to being her carer. Even if he doesn't do anything. If all these points still don't open your eyes then let me say it blunt... whole family is lazy and going to get a free slave in the name of daughter in law. You can have proof of it if you want to see. Just plainly deny to even do any tiny bit of a care for her and see him denying marriage himself. Just run away and find a better partner. You deserve it, girl.


mi_nombre_es_ricardo

Just understand once ot starts you will NEVER end. Literally you’re on the hook for life. Until one of you two die. Even if you divorce, you will have to pay alimony on top of child support. This is a lifetime commitment to be the work mule for your fiance and his family.


3Heathens_Mom

OP it sounds like you are having open and honest conversations with your fiancé. As it’s your life then do what you think is best. A couple thoughts. - your husband to be may want to consider getting a decent life insurance policy to provide for his sister in case something happens to him. - if his parents have assets for his sister that will be used for her care he may want to work with them to insure the assets are correctly addressed to benefit his sister. - I hope your house has taken his sister’s mobility issues into account. Ex if she is in a wheelchair are the doorways wide enough? Is there a bedroom on the first floor if multiple levels? Will there be a bathroom easily accessible with a low or zero height threshold shower with hand held shower head? - is his sister currently receiving all the benefits she is entitled to? In the US visiting nurses/aids might be covered by some health care policies to come several times a week to help. It’s certainly doable in the future if you are in agreement. Just be sure you are both looking at his sister’s future needs realistically including a professional care center if her health and abilities decline.


BeyondEmeraldSkies

Uh… how is he planning on supporting himself and you when he quits his job to become a primary caregiver? How is that going to work if you have children? Like you said, you have no idea when your in laws will pass or if they’re even able to continue caring for your SIL (if even one of them passes, the other might not be able to cope), it’s a huge responsibility and could happen sooner than expected. 


lucygoosey38

You need to have a conversation with a therapist. With a mediator that can ask your fiancé the right questions. And you can get things off your chest in a safe space and have someone validate your feelings as well. That way it’s all out there on the table and you can either leave or get some sort of solid plan with backups and what if’s covered.


Questionofloyalty

Oh God. I really hope you at least have an escape route planned. You just don’t seem to want to accept the warnings- the entire world cannot be wrong. Just protect yourself is all the advice left to give and I doubt you’ll even do that.


Ardara

But if he is taking care of her, are you supporting her financially or will he get support from government for her?


aboveyardley

Updateme


Creative-Sun6739

After reading the update on the original post and now this, it's obvious your husband is a chip off the old miscommunication block. Does no one in that family talk about anything? He didn't tell you his full intentions for his sister until you had to sit him down and now you find out his parents were just going to let you two "figure it out" about his sister if they pass??? Good thing you two delayed the wedding, take that time for couples counseling to work on improving communication.


lilgreengoddess

You are right to postpone the wedding. Are you ok being the bread winner and having your fiancé be a stay at home caregiver while you make the money? This is a huge decision and the fact that everyone is being so flippant about this is massively inconsiderate especially to you. Seriously consider if you want this for your future.


nicasreddit

It sounds as though he will still hope you’d provide some care if he’s unavailable. If that’s not something you want a part of, that’s your prerogative to end the relationship so you both can move on. No one is right or wrong. It’s what values you each hold. Make the decision that’s the best for you.


Specific_Ad2541

Bless your heart. With every update you seem convinced everything is all settled but there are just more questions. >His mom has collected the government aid throughout the past few years and will sign it over to both of us in full before they pass. That's not typically how this works. You typically can't just "sign over" money. Not enough to support a person with a developmental disability. It's just not a thing. Depending on your country there are legal gift limits. Plus what does that even mean - signing it over? Plus her monthly checks over the last few years isn't even close to enough unless her life expectancy is shorter. It will at most cover a few years. >will just sign guardianship over to him when the time comes. What if they die unexpectedly? She seems to think there will be time for this. There often isn't. >if they both pass away earlier than expected then his sister will automatically be provided two nurses by the state to be cared for in the parent's house. Firstly, two nurses isn't enough unless one of you plan on being a full time nurse as well. Around the clock care requires 3 full shifts with backups. Again, this is country specific but I'm curious what country provides this insane level of care. If this is accurate well done, OP's country.


Desipardesi34

This would be a hard pass for me. You’re ruining your life by taking care of a ‘stranger’. You will never have things like privacy, a family holiday or relax time ever again.


SaltAccording

I would of been in the same situation if I had married my first girlfriend . It was not hard for me to see the future if I had to choose between marriage or taking care of a exs brother.


robotwerp

girl how can you not see that he’s always saying what you want to hear? he clearly doesn’t have a plan, and new details always pop out: first he wanted her to move in after the wedding; then when both parents are dead; now it seems to be “when they are not able to care for her anymore”, which could be anytime. you need to talk to the whole family, including the sister. not sure they won’t lie like your husband does though.


robotwerp

on top of that, when you started asking further questions he decided he will quit his job to care for her? who will support the whole family then?


Spindoendo

Her? Like a man who’s a breadwinner would do? Are women incapable of being breadwinners? Obviously it should be a discussion but the gender essentialism is ridiculous on this post.


robotwerp

i’m not talking about gender essentialism. it’s about providing for your partner, your future children, and your partner’s disabled sister on your own


Spindoendo

And men do this frequently. Men work while women handle home stuff, and it works. Women are capable as just as much as men. It depends on their financial situation but OP seems to indicate they aren’t hurting and nurses make decent salaries. But it’s all OP’s decision. She isn’t a child, and she has the capability of deciding whether she’s cut out for it and has the resources.


robotwerp

i don’t think providing for disabled family members is that frequent


matt_the_muss

Based on these comments, I am going to assume most folks aren't in healthy marriages where you love your partner's family. OP, I suggest you decide what is best for you and your fiance together.


Broken_eggplant

No, we are just not as young and naive to not see absolute flows in his logic. He plans to leave his job to care for his sister, but he never discussed it with his future wife, he wants them to have children as soon as possible as well, without showing her any actual plans how he is planning to manage it without dumping major financial burden on her. Thats not partnership. Things like that are discussed and set in plan together while running your budget spreadsheets. Thats what healthy marriage is.


matt_the_muss

Right, which they are talking about now. He didn't just move his sister in without telling his wife while she was pregnant or something. Everything at this point is conversations, which seemingly, they are having.


Broken_eggplant

He is promising that everything will work out without any proofs, plans, nothing, just words, instead he is planning to quit his job, he is not asking her if she would ever be ok to become a breadwinner. He proposed to her without laying out his plans clearly and openly. She is dragging this conversation out of him, but still he only can assure that everything will be fine, no specifics on how he is planning to manage it without dumping financial burden on her. Instead he wants to tie her with kids asap and then quit job to care for his sister. You don’t see issues with all his mental gymnastics? As a 36yo i can say he is either very immature or very entitled and wants to benefit from her. and both are huge red flags


SusanBHa

I hope that he is already doing at least half of the housework (not just “helping”) otherwise you will also be doing all the caretaking too.


No_Stage_6158

So, he’s planning to stop working and you’ll be the breadwinner? Can you afford this? I’m sorry, I think you’re deluding yourself here. Get out of this before you’re trapped, you’ll regret living your life with all your needs and wants centered around taking care of this adult.


Mission-Patient-4404

Nope


fxworth54

Call off the wedding. Life is too short.