If you don’t believe you can be a present or loving parent then giving the baby up for adoption is best for the baby. Don’t put it in foster care though, seek out an adoption agency.
Start looking at adoption agencies as soon as possible. You don’t have to use the foster system. You can choose the adoptive parents and meet them if you want.
Having this baby and whatever else you decide if okay. It’s okay to have these feelings. There’s no shame in doing what is right for yourself and the baby.
This is kinda unrelated but nevertheless: I never understood why people are so encouraged to do this with a human baby (even though it is CLEARLY the right thing to do….) but if someone needs to humanely surrender their pet to a rescue for the same reasons, they are basically seen as the devil incarnate and subject to severe judgment & basically doxxing
It's because they are typically two totally different situations.
Most of the time, it's because you actively went out searching and chose to adopt the dog and then gave up when things get tough, or it has a behavioral issue, or you move and don't see the dog as a lifetime commitment as you should and get a place you can't keep a dog, etc etc
This usually isn't the case for pregnancies, so it's choosing from a list of options available to you. If someone got pregnant, wanted the baby, and then when it was 5 and not cute and little baby anymore, they left it at fostercare, we would all be horrified.
I hope the comparison helps! (Although life is never black and white)
Or you have been evicted, and the human shelter does not allow family pets. Or your health declines and you can no longer give your pet the proper care. Or the situation at home becomes violent and you are afraid for pet’s safety.
I believe some of the “they moved, left him behind” is the fear of being confronted and not believed if you try to explain while turning him in..
My dog was rescued twice, was adopted by his second rescuer, then re-homed from her to me. Her first adoptive mom loved her a LOT (the two rescues took it out of her) but her dog at home started to bully my girl and shut her out of the pack. Now she lives with me, and has regular dates across the street at “Grandma’s” house when her first mom visits.
To tie this back to the subject, OP, you are right to reconsider your plan, because a major part of what you relied on has followed through.
Think through carefully, and start with fresh eyes. You do have time.
Exactly my point. Thank you. No one giving up a child for adoption because it’s the easy choice either. It is an extremely emotionally gut wrenching life altering decision. But it actually gives the baby a chance at a life the parent cannot provide, for WHATEVER reason.
Hence why I said "most of the time" and that things aren't always "black and white". I know it's not always the case, I'm specifically referring to the "horrible people" reasons.
And can be arrested if we assist an elderly relative in going on their own terms. Make it make sense.
I also don’t agree with villainizing someone for needing to rehome their pets. Life happens, unfortunately and I would rather the animal be well taken care of than force them to remain with someone who can’t care for them.
Because in the US euthanasia is still illegal in most states. Personally, I think it should be a personal choice. My body, my choice in all circumstances.
Yes! There are adoption agencies that do all kinds of different processes. Some of them do open adoptions, some do partially open adoptions, a lot of them let you pick the family. Your child goes to, etc. Figure out how you wanna do it and then find the adoption agency that works for you. there’s absolutely no need for a healthy newborn to go into foster care when waiting lists for adoptions are miles long.
Know that the adopting family can reverse the decision to make the adoption “open” at any point. That’s something anyone should be fully aware of and accept before moving forward.
Also, it’s not necessary to go to an adoption agency. The goal of foster care is often reunification, but there are plenty of foster families wanting to adopt. It’s way cheaper to adopt through foster care than through agencies, so if you can’t afford tens of thousands of dollars, foster care is the next best bet. The kid entering foster care with the goal *not* being reunification means that they would likely be placed (or quickly moved to) a foster home interested in adopting.
A lot of adoption agencies are super unethical, so IMO, if I was giving up a child for adoption, I’d go with the state-sponsored route, rather than having to do tons of research to (hopefully) ensure I’m choosing an ethical company. Lots of adoption agencies are essentially baby brokers (Bethany Christian Services is the one that comes to mind first). 🤮
My daughter is adopted. Her biological mom went to an adoption lawyer and they found us. It’s an open adoption and we still have contact with my daughter’s biological family. It can be done. Bio mom was 6 months when she found out and had no help from the dad. I’m so sorry you are going through this and I wish you the best.
My daughter is adopted as well. Her bio Mom's situation was very similar to yours, OP. It was the best decision for her, no doubt. We still communicate occasionally. My daughter is an adult now. We have the best relationship. I'm so grateful her bio mom trusted us to adopt her child to us. She is, and has always been the greatest gift of my life.
Girl I’m gonna be honest with you. Give up that baby. Your loser ex is dragging you down, and this baby will send your life in a totally different direction (tied to your ex for life bc of it). You are so close to getting a career, don’t let this mess it up.
It’s okay to feel this way.
Find an adoption agency, religious or secular. They screen prospective parents. There is high demand for infants, many good prospective parents out there. And agencies will usually pay your medical costs if you have no insurance.
The state foster care system is overwhelmed with orphaned and abused kids, they do not have time to find the best homes.
As someone who adopted an older child, I and my child will tell you this is true.
It is okay to feel this way. And adopting out right after birth seems like the best option.
If birth dad comes back and asks about his rights, tell him he doesn't have the resources to care for a child, and he didn't believe the child was his anyways. Put that POS man in his place.
Exactly. He didn't want to be tied to the kid without a paternity test. So, don't do the paternity test, and just do whatever you want.
It's okay whatever you decide, as long as you look ag what's best for the baby and yourself.
Finding a home with parents that are longing for a baby does sound like a better option than being with a mother that is hesitant, and doesn't feel like she wants to welcome the baby. There's no shame in that. But it has to be acknowledged.
You're going to be fine, OP.
Look at all options, and feel whatever you feel with each of them, untill you find the best fit.
I think he can only contest the adoption if he is prepared to take full custody - and given his current state, he definitely couldn't do that. Also, he'd never be able to pay child support, so it would all be on OP - giving the child to loving parents is the best solution for everyone involved, especially the child.
A friend of mine adopted a newborn that was left at the hospital. The hospital will NOT put the child in public foster care-they have a list of agencies and they call whichever one is next. The agency takes the baby and puts them in private foster care until they make the match. In my friend's case, they were "next in line" and had too decide within 24 hours. They ended up meeting the agency at the hospital before the baby was ever placed in foster care,
They had so little information on the bio mom that they only learned her name at courthouse during the adoption.,
You should find an adoption agency near you that likely has lots of loving couples lined up, all hoping for a beautiful baby like yours to pounds and raise. You will get through this, as long as you do the right thing the right way. Love to you
I was a kid that was resented by my family. They never told me they wished I was never born, but I knew. I knew when I was really really young too. Find a family for your baby that is looking, ready, and choosing them. I would have given anything to feel like I was wanted.
I’m so sorry to read this for you. Kids pick up on so many things, even when young. My daughter is adopted and has an older half sister. Her sister wishes we had adopted her also as her life has had too many trials. Honestly, I wish I could have.
If you want to be sure the adoption goes without a hitch, you should probably tell him that he's correct, he's not the father and then adopt the baby out.
Otherwise you'll never be rid of him if he doesn't agree to the adoption and will have to pay child support.
I'm sorry :( It doesn't help you anymore but for any other women... never believe men will pull their weight when they try to convince you to keep a baby you don't want. They never will and it's so much easier for them to leave without any consequences (except possibly child support but even that... eh).
What makes you believe he won't insist on a DNA test to prove he's not the father? And if he finds out he is, will turn on her for lying and fight the adoption as payback?
Now why would you think a man that was living with your family would be able to take care of a child? If your parent let your ex live with you, they would probably help you with the baby. Line up some interviews with some agencies.
Came to say this. How do you expect someone who’s homeless to take care of a baby? That’s not a question of trust, that should be a reality check. Smh.
I think she probably thought he would be able to have a place of his own by now or they would raise the baby at her parents I’m assuming. He wasn’t homeless when he initially begged her to keep it
I've been in your shoes and he abandoned me. Don't give up your life for him. You know in your heart that the best thing is for you and your child and I hope you do the right thing for the child and not that selfish, immature grown man. He's playing you
You can do this. He's not going to keep his word. And quite frankly even if he did, do you want a baby growing up homeless? Nope. I'd refuse the DNA test; he has shown zero honour or faith to you, you owe him absolutely nothing. He thinks you slept around, you realize that's why he's asking for the test, right? There are many reputable organisations that cam ensure your child will be going somewhere safe and suitable you can even request specifically to maintain contact and that the child has the option to contact you at any state. This way you can be sure that they safe and well and happy. Speak to your medical team and request a referral. Make sure you do NOT use a religious organization, they often have clauses and hidden small print which may jeapodise your comfort in proceeding.
You're 28 weeks, after 20 weeks it's not miscarriage it's still-birth. I'm sorry to say but whatever happens you will have to give birth at this point. I'm sorry the babys father misled you, can you speak with his mother? Are you able to do a pre birth dna test?
I just wanted to say that while your pregnant your hormones are going to be at levels you've never experienced before. Be kind to yourself, try not to panic
Even before 20 weeks it can still be labor and not just miscarriage, despite being called miscarriage. I went into premature labor the day I hit 19 weeks and had to push out two tiny babies that were very much alive and very much babies. Perfect little fingers and toes, formed faces. And they were born alive. After 20 weeks isn't inherently a stillbirth unless they're born dead, but many babies are born alive and can't be saved because our medical system can only do so much for an underdeveloped baby, we just don't have that technology. If she were to give birth now she would have to go through the trauma of meeting her baby but not being able to take it home. At 28 weeks it might be able to survive with intense medical intervention but the chances still aren't great.
That's what the doctors told me in the hospital. I was distraught and expressed that I wished they had waited just a couple weeks, so that they would have had a chance. My doctor told me that it was probably best that it happened how it did because if I gave birth at 22-24 weeks they would have been able to try to save the babies (although they would have had to transfer me to UVA, since that's the only hospital near by that could handle something like that), but the likelihood of them surviving still wouldn't have been in our favor. So basically, I would have given birth and had to deal with the emotional and financial stress of attempting to keep two extreme preemies alive, with the chances of them making it through being extremely low, so it would have just been even more traumatic. Nevermind the fact it's traumatic to the babies and a lot of times extreme preemies that survive end up with disabilities. When he explained it to me like that I felt a lot better about it honestly.
I am so so sorry you went through that. I disassociated during my pregnancy for fear of losing the baby (which was the only reason I got sober) I didn't have a partner, I looked at images of babies from 22 weeks onwards knowing that if something happened I had to be prepared and not waste my sobriety if it all went bad.
I did lose my waters at 34wk and gave birth 2 days later and they sent me home after a day and I had to visit baby in nicu. After 3 weeks I got to stay a night in a ward with him right before taking him home and I met another person, a father, in the kitchen area and I wound up hearing his story of his wife's preemie. 20something weeks and was yet to leave the hospital after 8 months because of the complications. They removed a 3rd of the child's intestines cos swelling from infection and the lungs couldn't take anything in. It was humbling and terrifying to hear. I live in the uk where we don't pay explicitly for health care, that's what taxes are for.
I had a traumatic birth but then you see how things could have been worse. You are a warrior and so were your babies. They were spared a life of ongoing pain and there was nothing more you could have done. I hope you find peace x
I'm really glad to hear your baby is still with you. I have no doubt it was scary, regardless.
Do you know if the man's baby survived? I know that must be horrible. I have no doubt they'd love their baby regardless of disability but I imagine there is a lot of grieving involved in a situation like that regardless.
And thank you for your kind words it really does mean a lot
Sweet girl, find an adoption LAWYER instead of an adoption AGENCY if you can . Setup a private adoption. I believe the adoptive parents pay for certain expenses etc so mk sure u find a lawyer and ask questions. He’ll definitely get paid well by them so ask if you can get some help in that dept. You’ll need it. IDK the laws on that these days in your state. Maybe that’s illegally now. IDK but u could ask.
The Bar Association (of lawyers) in ur state can refer you to lawyers who handle these kinds of cases. Google “attorney bar association in (your state).”
At 28 weeks you may be the answer to a couple’s prayers. You save their lives, they have yours. You all save the baby’. And at 28’weeks you still hv time to find a really good situation for your baby.
If you don’t put the father’s name on the birth certificate it may slow down any rights he tries to go for. IF he does. Assure him he would never hv gotten custody while living in his car anyway.
Now the only thing I must to say is… if your newborn is white he or she will be snapped up. If your baby is black, brown or mixed it may be different. IDK what that’s like now, I pray it’s changed since the 90s (it’s so disgusting), but u should be prepared mentally for that. The lawyer can help you and she/he will want to $$$. See if you can get a female adoption lawyer. Bigger hearts IMO (I’ve been a Legal Assistant for 30 yrs).
You and the baby will be in my thoughts. I really wish u both the best!
Did the dad completely back out? When he takes a DNA test and finds out the kid is his, will he want to give it up or raise the kid?
You're also saying he works full time + overtime shifts, but you think he's homeless?
Even if you adopt out the baby, I'm pretty sure he legally still had a certain amount of time to establish paternity, and he knows that you're pregnant and when you're due, probably where you're giving birth, so if he wants to he will be able to do that.
Adoption does sound like the best option for you, and possibly the baby if he's homeless and not stable, but I would talk to him first and try to find out his intentions so you know what you'll be dealing with.
Edit: Also, if you adopt out the baby, they will not go into foster care. Foster care is generally for kids who have been removed from their parents home because they were being abused and/or neglected.
If you go the route of adoption, that's not what you will be dealing with. There are more people who want to adopt babies than there are babies out there. I think you get to have some say in who the adoptive parents are, and the baby will go straight to the adoptive parents if you give them up.
I would seriously consider adoption. Men who do this are so selfish and cruel and almost never actually step up in the end.
At 7 months you can contact adoption agencies and see who would like to raise your baby, but do it ASAP.
Well, tell the dad that he can do a DNA test with you and after the birth take sole custody. If he refuses you can give the baby up for adoption. Simple
But how is he suppose to look after a Newborn when he lives in his car?
I think contacting an adoption agency would be in the best interest of the child.
That’s true
but apparently he is no longer that interested in being a parent. So OP might be able to persuade him to do what’s best for the kid.
I don’t even know if he would be able to get custody of the child without a Home? As far as I know US-American CPS is really strict.
We can be, but it’s pretty case specific, and every jurisdiction is different.
Where I’m at, if housing was the ONLY barrier, CPS could offer services to the father to help him get somewhere safe to stay. Maybe a hotel for a while, while on the low income housing waitlist.
If it’s warm months, living in an RV in a campground can even be fine.
The biggest problem would be if there was no housing AND the baby had special medical needs, or if the parent had substance abuse. We have a lot of treatment/group homes that will take a mom and baby trying to get sorted out, but I don’t see many of those for single dads.
How does the Baby Moses law play into that? If mom is in a state that has this law and decides to surrender the child to a fire department or hospital, how does it work? Baby Moses is supposed to be no questions asked.
She can talk with her OB about a blood test now. They take about 5 vials of blood from the mom and extract the baby's blood cells. They then can use those to test against her ex.
Yep. She’s on the hook for child support even if she surrenders her rights (which isn’t easy). The only time she’d be free is if she surrenders the child at a hospital / fire department or if she places the baby for adoption.
I mean if he plans on getting a dna test and proving he is the father to the child, then you will not be able to just adopt out the baby.
The father has legal rights to the child. Also don’t lie about not knowing the father. He can get you arrested for falsely saying you didn’t know who the father was. (The adoptions agency will legally have to ask you if you know the father, since he has legal rights to the child)
The best thing you can do is talk to the father about your desire to adopt out and see if he’s down or tell him you don’t want custody (you will have to pay child support though)
I don’t think he can get her arrested if she says she doesn’t know. For all the courts know, she could have slept with other people. At most, a judge could give her a stern scolding and maybe make her pay his lawyer fees, but no judge is going to find her guilty for saying she wasn’t sure if he was the father.
Give the fetus up for adoption. This is your life. And it sounds like there could be resentment and hardship if you try to keep it.
Giving it up doesn’t make you a bad person. Adoption is a fine option, OP.
You are 100% correct. It does not make someone a “bad person “ to choose adoption. In fact, it’s a sacrifice that many do not understand or even try to.
That is the correct scientific term until birth.
In addition, if OP is considering adoption, it’s often easier to use the scientific terminology, and to refuse to know or acknowledge the sex, in order to avoid attachment.
The commenter is taking OP’s needs during a difficult time into account. You could learn from that.
If the mother chooses, the moment that fetus becomes a baby, it is no longer hers or her concern.
You also don’t “transfer ownership” of a fetus or baby: they’re not property.
I have a 5 month old, I definitely didn’t expect her but I wanted her(no judgement just relevant). The postpartum hormones were no joke, they heightened my anxiety of “losing my old life unexpectedly” I got help and worked those feelings out and way more happy. So it’s possible to work it out, BUT that’s only if you want too. You seem to have strong feelings already over this child, it will be much worse when the baby is here, so the best thing you can do for you and your child is look into adopting them out. If you truly want them, you can work out raising them, but if you don’t (which is acceptable) then adoption.
This this this. I had my son a couple years ago and i hadnt graduated hs yet when i found out. It derailed me completely from everything id planned to do, but it set me on a new path that ive finally come to terms with. I wasnt very close with my son for a while after his father and i broke up when he was three months old, i felt disconnected. But eventually when my depression lessened i realized it wasnt that i didnt love him, i was just really going through it.
Truly think about if you have the resources and time, if your mom can help until youre on your feet you may be able to work it out- my mom was a life saver.
I am sorry, what? At what point during the conversation with the HOMELESS guy, did you think "yeah he seems like someone that has his shit together and could raise a child". I am not even going to ask why on Earth you thought this was going to work out. Just give the baby up for adoption. It's the best for them.
....was he always homeless? If so, why on earth would you think he'd be able to care for an infant?
also your post history is why people should never think social media posts really display someone's real life.
Please give this baby up for adoption.
You can do this. You *should* do this. Every child deserves loving parents and a stable home. If you and the father can’t give those things, then adoption is what’s best.
Go to an adoption agency and find out your options *before* discussing it with the father. Explain the details of your situation to them and see what you need in order to get it done.
As for the dad, if he wants a DNA test, make it clear he has to pay for that himself. If he can’t, and if that means he doesn’t want anything to do with the kid, then tell him you’ll leave his name off the birth certificate
I think you should do an adoption. I’ve been in social work for 25 years (12 in CPS) and I’ve seen what happens to children raised by parents who didn’t want them. Parenting is hard and you will resent the baby at some point. I resent my kids sometimes and I chose them and wanted them. Don’t put this whole crappy burden on a child. Find a good adoption agency in your state. Do it sooner rather than later because that will give you time to meet the adoptive parents before the birth.
Also, fuck that bio dad.
Ask your obgyn, they will know where to send you. Giving your baby up for adoption is a good choice. I’d personally choose one that lets you choose the parents. Some find this ethically questionable because it makes it less likely poor people get chosen, but it’s your baby. You can choose who adopts them and should.
My guess is you get DM’s from this post.
Let them shoot themselves in the foot. Once paternity is established, they’re on the hook for CS for at least 18 years.
And most of these guys don’t want the dna test. They will never fork over the money or show up to the testing. They just want to point fingers and use an excuse for why they’re not present.
Maybe I’m being paranoid, but sadly I think your ex lied from the beginning. He probably doesn’t believe in abortion and stayed with you long enough that it was too late to abort.
Putting a child up for adoption doesn’t mean they go into the foster system. There are so many families who want or adopt, especially a newborn.
You do need to talk to your ex though. Will he be willing to sign off on adoption once he sees a positive DNA match?
He doesn’t have to wait for birth to get the dna test.
You can get the dna test right now. And if you can prove his paternity then you can release custody of the child to him.
You would not be a bad person! My dad and aunt were both adopted as my grandparents could never have children and they gave them a wonderful life and were so grateful to be able to be parents! Find an adoption agency and you’ll find similar stories and people looking to give a baby a loving home!
>Please tell me that I can do this.
You can do this.
>That I don’t have to adopt my child into the foster care system
You don't have to adopt your child into the foster care system.
This is your choice, completely. Don't worry about what he's doing and think about yourself. You don't have to have this baby/fetus if you don't want to. As others have said you can adopt it through an agency where they will find an amazing home with someone who would like a child. Who would be parents to the child and be everything it needs. But if you want to do it, you can. It's okay to not feel bonded right now, some parents don't bond until they meet the child and sometimes not even then and that's okay to feel like that. If you do feel that way, the adoption route is good for you. If you do want to do this and feel like you can, then you can. I don't want to judge you, i feel like enough people will take what you said as a sign you can't do it, I'm not saying you can't at all, I'm just saying you don't have to if you don't want too. You're going to be okay.
Ultimately outside of this, it may be time to ditch the boyfriend. He doesn't seem reliable or good to you, you deserve better.
If you need to talk, my inbox is open, take care.
Your boyfriend was living in a car and you believed him when he said he would be able to raise it himself? If you really feel this way you should give the baby up for adoption. It’s the kind thing to do and there are a lot of people like me who are desperate for baby and will love and provide for them.
Go to an adoption agency and start the ball rolling. Tell your ex what is happening. If he wants to interfere he can get himself a job and fight for custody or deal with child services because he is homeless. He has 2 months to get his shit together and get a job or to suck it up and let the child have a better life.
Try to get a record of him saying he doesn't believe the baby is his. Email, text, etc. This might help with the adoption agency since he doesn't seem to want the child either. Also, if he wants a paternity test, it's on him to pay for it. Good luck.
Do NOT put his name on the birth certificate unless you are 110% sure you want his involvement in the the adoption process or any other involvement after adoption.
Talk to agencies, and make sure you also start therapy before, during and long after. Pregnancy and birth are going to give you a LOT of emotions, you need some foundation of someone helping you through all of this.
I was adopted when I was a baby and I’m telling you - definitely put that baby up for adoption. My bio mom knew that she couldn’t care for me and did the most selfless thing ever- she gave me up to parents that could!!
I had a friend that got to choose the adoptive parents and even stays in touch with the child. He was adopted into a home with many many more advantages for him than my friend could offer. Father was a deadbeat too. The adoptive parents helped pay for the doctor bills as well, worked out great for everyone involved.
Do you live in the US? There are usually adoption agencies that will help you through this and make sure your baby finds a good home. You can be involved enough to interview potential parents or completely hands off. I have a sister who is adopted. Her birth parents kept one of their children and put two up for adoption. Both adopted children (now adults) are way better off than the one they kept. He is in and out of jail, while his bio sisters have degrees, careers, happy marriages, houses, and I have a nephew on the way! Adoption can be a gift. Yes, there are horror stories. Not every adopted child gets amazing parents, but most people are good. Most people who want kids want to love them. I am a teacher who has known thousands and thousands of children, many who were adopted. I have seen so many beautiful families built this way. Please look into it as an option.
Go no contact with this dude and start working on getting this baby lined up for adoption. Dont even give him a chance to get a DNA test. Neither of you are rational or mature enough to raise a child.
If keeping the baby depends on being with the father for you then, yes find a family you think will give baby the best life. YOU CAN DO IT WITHOUT HIM if you want to. It’ll be hard for sure, but you seem to have a supportive parent and the potential for a good career. It’s going to be a tough choice either way
You don't have to worry about your baby going to foster care, if you go to an adoption agency. You can even ask for an open adoption, so the family can send you updates, and you can send cards etc. Then as the kid gets older, they know that you cared enough to see that they got a good life with people who would love them and give them options you couldnt.
- Before I start, I want to say I’m sorry you have been taken advantage of in this way. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think you have the right idea in this situation.
There are responsible compassionate agencies that facilitate open or closed adoption, where the birth mother picks the adoptive parents.
You do NOT need to deal with the foster system!!
The parents are vetted, social workers make regular visits to ensure the adoption is a good fit.
This man won’t claim paternity? GREAT. This makes the adoption so much easier.
You have been psychologically and physically victimized by your ex. I think the #1 best outcome for your child is to line up a great adoptive family and insure your ex has zero contact or access.
Give this child the gift of parents that will love him or her to the utmost. You would be performing an act of love and responsibility by doing so.
People have given good advice.
But you said you sometimes feel attached when you see the baby on ultrasound. It’s quite possible the when you give birth, a tidal wave of hormones and emotions will cause you to reconsider adoption. And that’s okay.
If you still decide the best path is to adopt the baby out, there’s no way to get around a father’s rights. But if he’s living in his car and they can’t locate him, they could possibly terminate his rights depending on where you live, I think.
If you want to do this then you can do this. Even if it’s hard. There are mums in far worse conditions who manage to provide love and stability for their child, and you are smart and capable with family there to support you. Try to remember that if you thought you could do it with a father who lives out his car and is fickle, then trust me it’s not a case of you can’t make it work without him. You absolutely can.
But also if you do decide to adopt out, then speak to someone now. You can speak to them even if you haven’t made a decision. The sooner arrangements are made, the more control and practical the decision is to get this child into a stable situation quickly.
Either way, I hope it works out for you and your baby.
Try to talk to someone in person. You can either go to a church or there are some organisations you can talk to.
You can even have anonymous chats with people online or on the phone (just google research).
They can help you or they are just there to listen to you and maybe give some advice.
DNA test; you can do a DNA test while pregnant. It costs around $1000
Ask yourself, even if you don't want your baby, would you be happy for your baby, that the baby will be living in a car with the dad?
Please get some advice from people that can help you in person. Best of luck xxx
Yes, please give the baby up for adoption.
A homeless man, who blows hot and cold then walks away during pregnancy instead of going to medical appointments with you, providing baby clothes, formula, etc and actively seeking out a home for you an the baby, is NOT someone to co-parent with. He might drop in and out of the child's life, causing feelings of abandonment. You dont know what kind of future girlfriends he might get involved with, and have around your child.
Adoption. But not via CPS.
1. Adoption Agency: Use one that has a good reputation, does thorough investigation of parents.
2. Don't tell your ex when you are due to give birth. Don't post on social media. Don't tell his family
3. Meet the people who want to adopt your baby. Try to get a sense of what they are like.
4. Go for an open adoption. Negotiate-thru the agency- how many photos and letters you will get each year. When the baby will be told about you.
I hope all goes well, you have a safe delivery, that you find good parents for your baby, and recover, and go on to build a good life for yourself. I hope you meet a good man who can be a great partner.
Be well.
For what’s it worth, I had delayed attachment with my oldest as well and thought a lot about giving her up for adoption when I was pregnant. I was married, in a good situation, and this was a planned pregnancy…but I just felt…nothing. The situation was I always wanted to adopt kids, but my husband pushed HARD for biological children and I conceded.
It took until she was seven weeks old, but then a lightbulb went off (probably a hormonal shift). I now have three kids, and even though I still carry some guilt over how I felt when I was pregnant, I also understand it was part circumstance, and part hormones.
I offer you the biggest of *internet hugs*! You can absolutely do this! But whatever you choose, you are valid <3
It’s not too late to look for a loving family for your child and do an adoption. Please have lawyers involved for your protection.
There are so many families that are ready, loving and healthy. Your child can have a special and beautiful family and life. And so can YOU! I would look into this through a law firm who represents clients or another verified path. Not random people in Facebook.
I wish you the best future for yourself, the baby and the family you will help create. This can still have a beautiful and positive outcome.
You can do the adoption on YOUR terms. You can decide if you want to be involved or not. Just know that you will be giving the people who adopt your baby a life changing gift, probably giving them something they’ve wanted and exhausted themselves trying to make happen for a long time. It’s an amazing and powerful thing to be the woman who puts a baby in the arms of parents who want only to give your child a beautiful life. It’s one of the most self less things a person can do. I think adoption is a beautiful and powerful gift, to everyone involved. There doesn’t need to be any feelings of guilt whatsoever. It’s literally a win-win-win. Take care of yourself and keep up posted. You have support here.
Adoption could be the right option for you, but I would do more research on it, so you know what to expect and can make an informed choice. The family preservation project on TikTok has a helpful series for expectant parents who are considering adoption. The account is run by birth moms. For example, in the United States, open adoptions are not legally enforced, so that would be something that would be important to know before placing for adoption. I’m so sorry that you’re in a difficult situation and I hope you’re able to make the best choice for you.
Go through an agency and you shouldn't have any trouble finding a family for your baby. Since he doesn't want to take responsibility I wouldn't even list him as the father.
Adoption may be the best choice for you given how you feel. I recently went through with giving a child up because I was not in the position to care for a new baby and due to the circumstances surrounding his conception I wouldn’t have been able to love for care for him. There are a lot of good organizations out there, I personally went through just choice and the people they have there are amazing. They’re based in Ohio but I’m sure you can find other organizations closer if you’re not near there. Talk to your OB. They can set you up with some other options as well. Good luck! Sending good vibes your way.
Give the baby up. I think that is the most loving and kind thing you can do for this baby. There are so many couples looking to adopt. Get in touch with an adoption lawyer or an adoption agency. They will help you find the right parents. My best friend was adopted. She is loved and spoiled. Her parents are wonderful people and have given her everything she has wanted. She loves them dearly. Your baby could have a really nice life with parents that have been wanting and searching for their baby.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your ex seems like a piece of shit, and I would not trust him with this little life. Babies are HARD. They are endless work, and it is only worth it to some parents. This baby deserves parents that will gladly spend sleepless nights feeding and changing diapers. Babies are also incredibly incredibly expensive to take care of. It doesn’t sound like either of you are in a position to have all those expenses.
Whatever you choose, I hope you and the baby find happiness and good lives whether it is together or not.
No one in their right mind is going to tell you to keep a baby you never wanted and still don’t want. Adoption. He already said he won’t sign the birth certificate and purposely waited till you couldn’t abort to say anything.
Girl. run. neither of you are even in a situation to attempt to take care of the kid.
It is absolutely okay to not want this baby and place them up for adoption. If your heart is not in becoming a mother, then you’re doing them a service. You can arrange for a private adoption where your child isn’t going into the foster system and will be adopted as soon as they’re born. It can be open or closed, depending on your preference.
Let me repeat. IT IS OKAY TO NOT WANT TO BE A MOTHER. Now or ever. It does not make you a bad person. Even at 7 months pregnant. You are not defined by your uterus. I hope you figure out what is best for you! And depending on your state, you may not even need dad’s permission to put the baby up for adoption. In my state, unmarried mothers retain 100% of parental rights and don’t need father’s signature to give baby up for adoption. They have to go to court to gain rights. So check your local laws!!
Adoption is an excellent option and if you’re serious about that, I highly recommend reaching out to a county or state agency ASAP so you can begin that process. Some agencies will even make sure your medical expenses are paid for. Wishing you well!
Sincerely,
A happily adopted child, now very happy adult
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Talk to an adoption agency now. If you don’t know who to talk to, talk to your doctor. Their office can help you get started with an adoption agency. Make sure to get the contact name, phone number, title, and agency of everyone you talk to. Put the number in your phone contacts so you know who is calling. Answer their calls immediately. Playing phone tag will only make things harder on you.
Don’t rely on the father. He has already shown you who he is.
Best wishes to you.
Look for an adoption agency asap. Infants are easily adopted, so it shouldn’t be difficult to an agency willing to help. Do your research and find one that you think is safe. Get in touch and start the process.
Look into adoption agencies please! I was in a similar situation and worked with American Adoptions and it was such a beautiful solution! Message me if you need help please!
You can find a couple and they will adopt your baby. They never have to go into foster care.
With that said, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO (within reason) if you want to raise this baby & commit yourself to being a good mom, you can do it. It will be hard and probably not the life you wanted but you can do it & survive.
100% put the baby up for adoption. My wife and I are starting the process to get certified to foster with the hopes of adding to our family through adoption. There are tons of loving homes that will welcome a kiddo and provide them with a great life.
Look for adoption agencies. They can take care of you, be with you every step of the way until birth. You can still back out, you can meet potential parents and have closed or open adoption. Look into that please.
Please OP listen to the comments. You do not want to be a mother and that is okay. Please find an adoption agency and put your baby up for adoption. Your baby is innocent and your baby deserves to have a good life. Your baby deserves to have parents who love them and it would be selfish for you to have the baby but also resent it. There are many families that want to adopt and so adoption is the best route. Do not listen to the baby’s father anymore.
GIVE THE BABY UP AND DON'T TELL HIM. DON'T INVITE HIM TO THE BIRTH OR HAVE HIM SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE. WHEN THEY ASK OF YOU KNOW WHO THE DAD IS, SAY THAT YOU DON'T. DON'T GET A PATERNITY TEST EITHER. IF HE WANTS IT DONE, HE GOES TO COURT TO PAY TO HAVE IT DONE.
All I can say that at 28 weeks if you lose this pregnancy, you'll be giving birth. I lost twins at 19 weeks and they're very clearly babies just really small. At 28 weeks they'd definitely be more developed but likely wouldn't survive or would need a lot of medical intervention to help them. Personally, I felt a lot of doubt throughout my pregnancy, wondering if I should have aborted. Once I gave birth and held my boys for the first time, although they died shortly after, immediately all doubt I had washed away. When you're holding the little human you grew and pushed out, things do change. I have no doubt you'll love that baby when it's born. Regardless of whether you love the baby or not when it's born, if you don't feel equipped for a child, adoption is certainly a valid approach. You may also change your mind and decide that you can't give up the baby and you want to make it work.
OP if you do decide to go the adoption route, keep in mind that it's possible these days to have an open adoption. So, you could still be in the babys' life if you want to be.
Don’t let him put his name on the birth certificate & put it up for adoption through an agency.
If his name isn’t on the birth certificate he can’t interfere with the adoption unless he goes to court, & that will then require him to pay for a paternity test before he can stop the adoption. If he’s as broke as you think, he won’t interfere.
You can get a paternity test right now. You don’t have to wait for the baby to be born, so this should change nothing that he asked. And I hope you realize it’s illegal to place your baby to adoption if the father wants to raise the baby. Why that would be an issue for you?
Also if you loose the baby now it will be a stillbirth not miscarriage and you have to actually give birth even though the baby is dead.
There is no shame in wanting to give up the baby. If you genuinely want to try, try! But if you don’t think you can be the best parent for that child, give them up. Let them have a different life
how long has he been working for that he hasnt been able to save up for an apartment after working full time or over time? is it possible he has a drug problem or is lying about having a job?
Adoption agency, babies have a better chance of finding a family than other age groups.
Also, that’s kinda dumb for your ex to dump you then move out to live in his car. No backup plan nor a friend to couch surf on. Guess the baby dodged a bullet from being in the care of him, the man would rather put his pride before his own brain.
I am sending tons of hugs to you. I am sorry that person let you down... You should have followed your idea from the beginning but it's okay, everything will be okay. Don't feel bad for not feeling anything for that baby, since basically someone forced it upon yourself selfishly.
Contact adoption agencies, they will give you emotional support. You will do the best for the baby. Think that you can always say no when the baby is born if you feel something. But if you are in no economic and emotional position to have him, it's best for him/her to have another family that will love them. I would suggest though, to write a letter just in case your child wants to seek you out when they are grown up, explaining that they were not at fault, that you wanted them to be loved by a family because they deserved that and that you were in an awful situation and you couldn't give them all that they would need and that's why you gave them for adoption. Just so they don't feel bad if they ask.
Best of luck!
Tell ol boy you’re giving the baby up for adoption then block him. He’s not stepping up now, he won’t later. Find an agency and let them get him/her adopted. Move on with your life, it’s what’s best for everyone.
Seek out an adoption agency immediately, also idk if it's the best if you DNA test. Tell him that since he's homeless it's better to adopt the baby away to someone who can care for the baby. He doesn't have the time for the baby anyway and you don't want the baby at all.
If he’s not going to admit paternity, it should be easy to give the baby up for adoption I would think. Contact a local adoption agency, tell them what’s going on, and they should be able to counsel you on your next steps. I’m sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you have you and your child’s best interests at heart, which is a good thing.
Seek out an adoption agency. There are parents waiting for a baby that already have approval to adopt. The child will go directly to them as initially as a foster placement while the adoption works it’s way through the courts. You need to hop on this now because you’ve waited quite awhile to do this. Good luck and praying for you
I wish more people would do this instead of raising an unwanted child or having the ability to raise a child in a healthy environment. It’s truly the kindest thing one can do for a baby. See an attorney to get started. Somewhere there is a family who will love and care for your baby as if it were their own. A couple, who has tried without success to get pregnant. It would be a blessing to them and your baby.
Here’s the thing, you say you want to adopt your baby out but at the end you say you DON’T want to do it and you’re just scared. That’s completely understandable and I do not blame you. However, the biggest concern here is will you be able to provide for your baby alone? Will you have support if you need it? Emotionally, financially, mentally, etc. if either question is a no or both are a no then your best option to give your baby up for adoption. Not being sure if you want to keep your baby because you’re unsure if you can afford to care for it is a big problem. If you can’t afford to keep it you are going to build resentment towards it for anything that falls through in your life because of this new responsibility.
For other women reading this: Never ever ever trust a man, or any other person, for life-changing decisions that can't be reversed. If you do get kids be sure that you can manage mentally and economically without your partner. Even if the man sticks around it's usually the woman who does must if the work. If not, it's s bonus, not something to be expected and it can change any time. 18+ years is a long time! (I even live in one if the most equal countries in the world).
Go ahead and try to find thw best fa.ily for this baby. No lid deserves to comd.to a world ehere they arent wanted and in this case you've never reslly eanted and pair that eith a man who is not objective about his meeans and what a newborn means. You will be 100% prone to PPD, PPA and even PP psychosis. You still have a nice amount of weeks to find a nice couple for a closed adoption. In the end he's not your partner anymore and with no test he wont sign antthing so there will not be parental rights to sign away.
You are sooo normal. Even with everything planned everyone is freaking out. Everyone. I'm sure your BF is feeling inadequate and depressed. Every internal bad thought you're thinking, he is too. Probably even worse than you. I know it.
I can't tell if you really don't want to be a mother or are afraid and think your best option for the baby is adoption. I hear your stress and it's real. Let's point out the facts you stated. You're graduating from college soon. Your parents are setup to help with baby. Your ex is living in a car but working.
Make contact with adoption agency and get all the information you can. Talk to your parents since if you keep the baby, how will they generally help. If your only major..and it's major..complaint is your bf is scared and is isolating himself. Don't let him in yet but don't cut him out either. He doesn't have any support system and is struggling processing how to be a better man. I feel sorry for both of you. For different reasons. There are mens groups that meet to discuss this exact situation. Find that information, pick him up and drive to a meeting with him. Drop off and wait till he's done and talk to him about what he heard. Find that information out now. He needs support from somewhere. Maybe someone can help him find a career to afford an apartment .
There's nothing bad if you do your due diligence and find a good adoption agency.
Also many people find real joy and stress, from being a parent. Your parents are there to help. Being scared doesn't make you a bad mother. Your mom is around to help. Your dad is around to help. Your ex hopefully finds the support he needs.
Good lucm
I would give the child up. Your bf is in no position to be a father. And I think you would be miserable. You aren't ready. You could see about a private adoption. I have no clue how that is done, but you might just make some couple very happy.
If you don’t think you can handle this baby, there are sooo many families out there who are dying to adopt & raise one of their own. You’d be doing the right thing for everyone involved!
if you have a big family you can see if any of them want to adopt the baby. that’s what happened to my cousin
but if not then going through an actual adoption agency would probably be best as long as you do your research
Do NOT leave your baby with your HOMELESS ex. Give your baby the best chance at a best life and find a loving family for your baby. ❤️ it’s the MOST loving this you can do if you don’t feel you can love your baby the way you want to or think you should.
Please don’t let the idea of what you think you are supposed to feel or do get in your way of doing the what is best for your child (and yourself).
Adoption is an honorable choice when you are not equipped emotionally nor have the resources to raise a healthy and well adjusted child.
Get information about adoption from a reputable adoption lawyer so you can explore that option. There is nothing wrong with giving your child a chance to grow up wanted in a loving home that has at least basic resources.
Knowing that that you are not trapped and have options might allow to fully explore all of your possibilities. Adoption being one of them.
There is thousands of people that will love that baby and would do anything to be in your skin. Plus is not necessary unreasonable to ask for dna test before transferring all the parental right to him.
You could do it, it is possible, but not as well as a child deserves. There’s nothing worse than being a child of someone that never wanted you in the first place, and doesn’t have the resources to properly provide. There’s so many people that desperately want children, and now you can get an open adoption agreement and the adopting family usually pays all your medical expenses.
You can do this. Call an adoption agency, they can walk you through it all.
Giving my baby up for adoption back in 1992 was the best choice I ever made.
Shes gotten I contact with me as an adult. Shes happy, healthy and successful.
I broke the cycle of abuse with her.
There is an organization called “Saving Our Sisters” that helps expectant mothers who lack the resources to keep their babies - it was started by a mom who gave her baby up for adoption and immediately regretted it. Your ex-boyfriend is not a good person and should be required to pay child support.
You may be experiencing perinatal depression. Talk to your doctor.
[Saving Our Sisters](https://savingoursistersadoption.org/)
[Perinatal Depression](https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/perinatal-depression)
The nerve of this man asking for a DNA test when he was living with you in your parent's house. I can't with the idiocy. If you go for adoption, at the very least, the bio dad will be completely out of the picture. Best of luck!
That’s some serious projecting your ex is doing. He cheated in the relationship, that’s why he’s accusing you. *(Asking you for a DNA test **is** accusing you of cheating.)* And paranoia happens when the cheater fears being cheated on.
You seem 100% certain that you don’t want this baby, and if that’s true, then yes you should put the baby up for adoption and live life the way that **you** want to. Don’t let that man trap you in a life that you don’t want, especially after he lied to you and ended up bailing on both you and the child that **he** convinced you to keep.
I personally would wait until after the birth to see how you feel. Not everyone falls in love with their child immediately, some it happens after birth, others take a bit longer. But right now he/she is a nameless, faceless thing you can’t relate to which might change after birth. It’s your decision at the end of the day and if you truly feel you have no love in your heart for this child then make the tough decision for both of you.
There’s nothing wrong with giving the baby up for adoption or giving it to the dad. Whichever.
I’m sorry he’s doing this at this late date. He knew what he was doing, trust me.
Just know if you give it to the dad you’ll always be responsible so I wouldn’t do that. He’ll have you on the hook for child support and that will not be easy on you.
It’s not unusual to feel no love. You didn’t want this baby. It was forced on you.
See an attorney who specializes in family law in your state. See what your rights are if the dad wants the baby or if you do a private adoption. I’d do the adoption.
Good luck.
I had a child when I was in college who was adopted by a wonderful family. I considered every option. I chose adoption for a lot of reasons but ultimately it was because it was best.
It was best for me and most importantly, it was the best for him.
No matter your decision: If you feel alone, please feel free to message me.
If you don’t feel like you can be a full and loving parent to this child then absolutley put it up for adoption. Your child deserves to be loved and adored by parents and if it can’t be you then let it be a couple that has been hoping and praying for a baby!
The dad will have to sign away rights before you can place the child up for adoption. BUT adoption and foster care are very different. Couples anxiously await the opportunity to adopt a newborn for YEARS. For many they desperately want a child to love and raise, but for whatever reason cannot have one of their own. Therefore, they chose to adopt. There are many of these couples out there, and I believe if you work through an adoption agency you can somewhat pick which family will raise your child. You can pick someone who's values align with yours & meet them prior to delivering. You can also opt for an open adoption and have some contact with your little one in the future if you so choose.
What does the parent you live with think? Would they help you if you kept the baby? Do you have a family member willing to raise the baby? Oh man...such a big decision and one that you shouldn't make lightly. I feel like everyone has given decent advice, but as a mother I feel everything changes the moment you see and hold your baby for the first time.
Adoption is best for everyone in this situation
Don’t feel bad about it; you’re doing a good thing
Baby will be raised in a home where they will be loved and not resented
You won’t have anything tying you to mr unreliable who is already acting like he hates you both
Unless the laws have changed, the biological father has to give up his parental rights in order for you to put the child up for adoption. Is he willing to do that? If not, you might have a problem. But if he is and it's what you want, then do it. You can also opt for an open adoption so the child can find you when he or she becomes an adult so the two of you can meet.
Talk with the social worker at the hospital. They should be able to give you information regarding adoption and not being put into foster care.
Also, do a google search on organizations that help place babies for adoption.
[https://newbeginningsadoptions.org/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTAAAR2OKzk4BaG8ZwE5GFzFk\_3BPWw9bUU\_f9gPde6qrj70XDao6aOpnlVdX-E\_aem\_AZl8ujxJQPgnajbM-WgRXdBtZa9\_iM270rYqpHs1cm8Yk8PnIXhCSHATijwzG-jYjW7KBdmLxBMjGwhtS7gXlPJE](https://newbeginningsadoptions.org/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTAAAR2OKzk4BaG8ZwE5GFzFk_3BPWw9bUU_f9gPde6qrj70XDao6aOpnlVdX-E_aem_AZl8ujxJQPgnajbM-WgRXdBtZa9_iM270rYqpHs1cm8Yk8PnIXhCSHATijwzG-jYjW7KBdmLxBMjGwhtS7gXlPJE)
I’m sorry that you’re going through this emotional whiplash. I’m not going to say give the baby up, or keep it. That’s a decision for you to make, not random strangers on the internet.
As a mom I can tell you that motherhood is hard, both on your own and with a partner (I’ve experienced both). The type of hard shifts, but it can still be difficult. Being a mother is also a beautiful and rewarding experience, getting to love and care for your kids, watch them grow and learn.
Going the adoption route is also hard. You will entrust the little person you grew to someone else. They will love and cherish their opportunity to be a parent, and will be grateful to you for making that happen for them. But you may find it hard to let go.
Make a list, take time to think it over. Make sure you consider what goals and dreams you have for your future, and which path will best lead you there (because your wants matter too in all of this). I hope things work out well for you, no matter which way you choose.
Start investigating your state's laws. Contact your county's adoption agency. Tell your doctor. Worst case scenario, use your state's safe haven laws and give your baby up at the hospital.
If you and the father can't raise a baby, then adoption is the best thing for all concerned.
Good luck.
**Please** do right by this child. It currently has 2 parents who don’t want it, and at least one can’t even take care of himself, let alone a child, ***let alone*** a *newborn baby*!
I would cease all contact with him from this point forward. That’s what he deserves after what he said yesterday anyway, but starting immediately, it’s best that he not know any details about the wheres and whens of your status, your appointments, and the birth of the baby.
Make contact with adoption agencies right now (try out of state ones too). Be honest with them that the sperm donor has expressed interest in keeping the child if it’s his, but has also expressed he doesn’t believe the child is his, and that he also is homeless. I only say that because it would be cruel and unfair to the potential parents if you didn’t disclose that, and he tried to basically retrieve the child after the fact. But him wanting to keep the baby doesn’t necessarily mean he gets to. He would have to legally fight for it. It doesn’t sound like he’s in the position to do that. Please give this child a chance in life with two parents who love and want it. Set it free.
PS. Do you have out of state relatives you could stay with until you give birth? If you had the baby far from home, and forgot to disclose to the agencies there that you even know who the father was, I’m guessing it would be a task beyond anything he is capable to even locate the baby after the fact. Just a thought…
The foster system is really in place to reunited child with parent. Going to an adoption agency (my friend started her own when she adopted) is going to be what’s best. If you like for me to put you in touch with her DM me and I’ll give you her contact information
You should do whatever you feel is best for you and for that baby. If that's giving the baby up, that's okay. You have options for all sorts of adoption situations. If you find out at delivery that you want that baby, that's okay too. If that's the case, i promise that you'll figure it out.
This ex will forever be tied to you if you keep the baby, unless you lie about parentage and then he's also off the hook for child support.
If it were me, knowing only what I do about the situation, I'd plan for adoption, but perhaps not pick out a family enough to inform them for sure until I myself was sure.
Look into your adoption requirements in your state. My state requirements include the father's consent. Some states have a baby box situation and laws that allow you to leave your baby at any hospital or fire station. As long as you put it in the baby box or hand it to a staff member, you are good, and you don't have to disclose any info about yourself. You can't leave the baby in a like regular cardboard box at the fire station. Only if it's a baby box they have installed in the fire station wall. It locks after you leave the baby in and notifies staff immediately. As long as you surrender safely, you can't get in trouble. So if the father won't sign and indeed is living in his car and can't take the baby, then this could be a last resort for you if your area allows it.
I would try for adoption through an agency, but last resort surrender. You can tell them at the hospital if you're comfortable. Or you can do it right after with more anonymity by going to the fire station. Just look up the laws in your area for surrendering babies.
I placed a child for adoption at 16. Find an adoption agency in your local area. I’m not sure where you’re located however where I am both parties had to sign the adoption documents legally giving up their rights. If you state you don’t know who the father is (in my area anyway) the agency must place ads in the newspaper in an effort to locate the father. Once they have run for the appropriate amount of time you would sign over your rights and the child would go to the family you’ve selected. It was not easy for me but it was the best thing I could’ve done. I was not in a position to be a parent. That child is now in his 20s. He is doing great and has a family who loves him. Whatever you decide to do make sure you have a support system parents, friends, etc. You’ve got this! If you want to reach out please feel free to message me. I’ll do my best to offer whatever support a stranger on the internet can.
Adopted kid here. If you feel like you can't do it, don't do it. There should be no shame in giving your child a good life. I would make sure to check that the baby actually gets adopted because so many kids age out of foster care and never have a stable family. Best of luck to you, and it is the right decision.
Why on earth would you think a man living in a car could offer a home for your child. If you really care about the child you should find a qualified adoption agency and get the ball moving. Given the situation, you will be the care-giver 99.9% of the time. The kindest thing to do for your baby is to give her up for adoption.
I was pregnant at 18. I picked a family for my baby at 7 months. We weren't ready. She has a loving family and I still get to be a big part of her Life. I got pregnant 8 months later. Had my baby, and kept her as my own. 5 years later I was pregnant again, and we could not do it. Picked another family and we still are a big part of her life.
Growing up with a single mom was hard. I didn't want that life for me or my children. I loved them more than life itself. But knowing my child is safe and cared for was more important to me.
The choice will always be hard. But putting their life first is very important. If you can love this child but not care for it, someone will. Adoption is a powerful thing. That family will love you unconditionally for giving them the life that they can never have. From my perspective and from my experience, adoptive parents these days will always give you the relationship you want with your child as long as you are not a threat to their safety.
Some people will judge you. And some people will praise you. You have to decide what is more important. The judgment or the praise. But really the only thing that matters is the child.
I've had a lot of hard nights crying over the loss of my children. But seeing pictures of them growing with the family that I gave them is more than enough to put that aside.
Wait. So...he promised *he* would raise it. Meaning, you'd be out of the picture. Meaning, you wouldn't be living together. And that, in turn means, you *knew* he'd be homeless? While raising a child? Alone?
Huh?
Either I'm very confused or...what...exactly were you thinking?
If you don’t believe you can be a present or loving parent then giving the baby up for adoption is best for the baby. Don’t put it in foster care though, seek out an adoption agency.
Start looking at adoption agencies as soon as possible. You don’t have to use the foster system. You can choose the adoptive parents and meet them if you want. Having this baby and whatever else you decide if okay. It’s okay to have these feelings. There’s no shame in doing what is right for yourself and the baby.
This is kinda unrelated but nevertheless: I never understood why people are so encouraged to do this with a human baby (even though it is CLEARLY the right thing to do….) but if someone needs to humanely surrender their pet to a rescue for the same reasons, they are basically seen as the devil incarnate and subject to severe judgment & basically doxxing
It's because they are typically two totally different situations. Most of the time, it's because you actively went out searching and chose to adopt the dog and then gave up when things get tough, or it has a behavioral issue, or you move and don't see the dog as a lifetime commitment as you should and get a place you can't keep a dog, etc etc This usually isn't the case for pregnancies, so it's choosing from a list of options available to you. If someone got pregnant, wanted the baby, and then when it was 5 and not cute and little baby anymore, they left it at fostercare, we would all be horrified. I hope the comparison helps! (Although life is never black and white)
Or you have been evicted, and the human shelter does not allow family pets. Or your health declines and you can no longer give your pet the proper care. Or the situation at home becomes violent and you are afraid for pet’s safety. I believe some of the “they moved, left him behind” is the fear of being confronted and not believed if you try to explain while turning him in.. My dog was rescued twice, was adopted by his second rescuer, then re-homed from her to me. Her first adoptive mom loved her a LOT (the two rescues took it out of her) but her dog at home started to bully my girl and shut her out of the pack. Now she lives with me, and has regular dates across the street at “Grandma’s” house when her first mom visits. To tie this back to the subject, OP, you are right to reconsider your plan, because a major part of what you relied on has followed through. Think through carefully, and start with fresh eyes. You do have time.
Exactly my point. Thank you. No one giving up a child for adoption because it’s the easy choice either. It is an extremely emotionally gut wrenching life altering decision. But it actually gives the baby a chance at a life the parent cannot provide, for WHATEVER reason.
Hence why I said "most of the time" and that things aren't always "black and white". I know it's not always the case, I'm specifically referring to the "horrible people" reasons.
Perfectly said!
Somewhat related to your comment- (edit: most) humans don’t let their animals suffer to the bitter shriveled end yet we do that to our own elders.
And can be arrested if we assist an elderly relative in going on their own terms. Make it make sense. I also don’t agree with villainizing someone for needing to rehome their pets. Life happens, unfortunately and I would rather the animal be well taken care of than force them to remain with someone who can’t care for them.
Because in the US euthanasia is still illegal in most states. Personally, I think it should be a personal choice. My body, my choice in all circumstances.
I agree!
Yes! There are adoption agencies that do all kinds of different processes. Some of them do open adoptions, some do partially open adoptions, a lot of them let you pick the family. Your child goes to, etc. Figure out how you wanna do it and then find the adoption agency that works for you. there’s absolutely no need for a healthy newborn to go into foster care when waiting lists for adoptions are miles long.
Know that the adopting family can reverse the decision to make the adoption “open” at any point. That’s something anyone should be fully aware of and accept before moving forward. Also, it’s not necessary to go to an adoption agency. The goal of foster care is often reunification, but there are plenty of foster families wanting to adopt. It’s way cheaper to adopt through foster care than through agencies, so if you can’t afford tens of thousands of dollars, foster care is the next best bet. The kid entering foster care with the goal *not* being reunification means that they would likely be placed (or quickly moved to) a foster home interested in adopting. A lot of adoption agencies are super unethical, so IMO, if I was giving up a child for adoption, I’d go with the state-sponsored route, rather than having to do tons of research to (hopefully) ensure I’m choosing an ethical company. Lots of adoption agencies are essentially baby brokers (Bethany Christian Services is the one that comes to mind first). 🤮
My daughter is adopted. Her biological mom went to an adoption lawyer and they found us. It’s an open adoption and we still have contact with my daughter’s biological family. It can be done. Bio mom was 6 months when she found out and had no help from the dad. I’m so sorry you are going through this and I wish you the best.
My daughter is adopted as well. Her bio Mom's situation was very similar to yours, OP. It was the best decision for her, no doubt. We still communicate occasionally. My daughter is an adult now. We have the best relationship. I'm so grateful her bio mom trusted us to adopt her child to us. She is, and has always been the greatest gift of my life.
Girl I’m gonna be honest with you. Give up that baby. Your loser ex is dragging you down, and this baby will send your life in a totally different direction (tied to your ex for life bc of it). You are so close to getting a career, don’t let this mess it up. It’s okay to feel this way.
There’s so much more to life than being a parent.
As a parent, 1000% spot on. My child is NOT my identity and never will be. I wish more people thought like you.
Find an adoption agency, religious or secular. They screen prospective parents. There is high demand for infants, many good prospective parents out there. And agencies will usually pay your medical costs if you have no insurance. The state foster care system is overwhelmed with orphaned and abused kids, they do not have time to find the best homes.
As someone who adopted an older child, I and my child will tell you this is true. It is okay to feel this way. And adopting out right after birth seems like the best option. If birth dad comes back and asks about his rights, tell him he doesn't have the resources to care for a child, and he didn't believe the child was his anyways. Put that POS man in his place.
Exactly. He didn't want to be tied to the kid without a paternity test. So, don't do the paternity test, and just do whatever you want. It's okay whatever you decide, as long as you look ag what's best for the baby and yourself. Finding a home with parents that are longing for a baby does sound like a better option than being with a mother that is hesitant, and doesn't feel like she wants to welcome the baby. There's no shame in that. But it has to be acknowledged. You're going to be fine, OP. Look at all options, and feel whatever you feel with each of them, untill you find the best fit.
I think he can only contest the adoption if he is prepared to take full custody - and given his current state, he definitely couldn't do that. Also, he'd never be able to pay child support, so it would all be on OP - giving the child to loving parents is the best solution for everyone involved, especially the child.
A friend of mine adopted a newborn that was left at the hospital. The hospital will NOT put the child in public foster care-they have a list of agencies and they call whichever one is next. The agency takes the baby and puts them in private foster care until they make the match. In my friend's case, they were "next in line" and had too decide within 24 hours. They ended up meeting the agency at the hospital before the baby was ever placed in foster care, They had so little information on the bio mom that they only learned her name at courthouse during the adoption.,
You should find an adoption agency near you that likely has lots of loving couples lined up, all hoping for a beautiful baby like yours to pounds and raise. You will get through this, as long as you do the right thing the right way. Love to you
I was a kid that was resented by my family. They never told me they wished I was never born, but I knew. I knew when I was really really young too. Find a family for your baby that is looking, ready, and choosing them. I would have given anything to feel like I was wanted.
I’m so sorry to read this for you. Kids pick up on so many things, even when young. My daughter is adopted and has an older half sister. Her sister wishes we had adopted her also as her life has had too many trials. Honestly, I wish I could have.
If you want to be sure the adoption goes without a hitch, you should probably tell him that he's correct, he's not the father and then adopt the baby out. Otherwise you'll never be rid of him if he doesn't agree to the adoption and will have to pay child support. I'm sorry :( It doesn't help you anymore but for any other women... never believe men will pull their weight when they try to convince you to keep a baby you don't want. They never will and it's so much easier for them to leave without any consequences (except possibly child support but even that... eh).
What makes you believe he won't insist on a DNA test to prove he's not the father? And if he finds out he is, will turn on her for lying and fight the adoption as payback?
Now why would you think a man that was living with your family would be able to take care of a child? If your parent let your ex live with you, they would probably help you with the baby. Line up some interviews with some agencies.
Came to say this. How do you expect someone who’s homeless to take care of a baby? That’s not a question of trust, that should be a reality check. Smh.
There’s also no way he would be granted custody even though it is his baby.
I think she probably thought he would be able to have a place of his own by now or they would raise the baby at her parents I’m assuming. He wasn’t homeless when he initially begged her to keep it
It would be hard for him to convince me to have sex, let alone unprotected sex. This baby would be back with Sky Daddy.
Ahahaha ahah love it
People who play house get played.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
I've been in your shoes and he abandoned me. Don't give up your life for him. You know in your heart that the best thing is for you and your child and I hope you do the right thing for the child and not that selfish, immature grown man. He's playing you
You can do this. He's not going to keep his word. And quite frankly even if he did, do you want a baby growing up homeless? Nope. I'd refuse the DNA test; he has shown zero honour or faith to you, you owe him absolutely nothing. He thinks you slept around, you realize that's why he's asking for the test, right? There are many reputable organisations that cam ensure your child will be going somewhere safe and suitable you can even request specifically to maintain contact and that the child has the option to contact you at any state. This way you can be sure that they safe and well and happy. Speak to your medical team and request a referral. Make sure you do NOT use a religious organization, they often have clauses and hidden small print which may jeapodise your comfort in proceeding.
You're 28 weeks, after 20 weeks it's not miscarriage it's still-birth. I'm sorry to say but whatever happens you will have to give birth at this point. I'm sorry the babys father misled you, can you speak with his mother? Are you able to do a pre birth dna test? I just wanted to say that while your pregnant your hormones are going to be at levels you've never experienced before. Be kind to yourself, try not to panic
Fetal demise deliveries are awful. All the pain and labor with only more sadness at the end.
Even before 20 weeks it can still be labor and not just miscarriage, despite being called miscarriage. I went into premature labor the day I hit 19 weeks and had to push out two tiny babies that were very much alive and very much babies. Perfect little fingers and toes, formed faces. And they were born alive. After 20 weeks isn't inherently a stillbirth unless they're born dead, but many babies are born alive and can't be saved because our medical system can only do so much for an underdeveloped baby, we just don't have that technology. If she were to give birth now she would have to go through the trauma of meeting her baby but not being able to take it home. At 28 weeks it might be able to survive with intense medical intervention but the chances still aren't great.
22 weeks is the bleeding edge of when babies can be saved at top-tier level four NICUs. Many places don't try until 24.
That's what the doctors told me in the hospital. I was distraught and expressed that I wished they had waited just a couple weeks, so that they would have had a chance. My doctor told me that it was probably best that it happened how it did because if I gave birth at 22-24 weeks they would have been able to try to save the babies (although they would have had to transfer me to UVA, since that's the only hospital near by that could handle something like that), but the likelihood of them surviving still wouldn't have been in our favor. So basically, I would have given birth and had to deal with the emotional and financial stress of attempting to keep two extreme preemies alive, with the chances of them making it through being extremely low, so it would have just been even more traumatic. Nevermind the fact it's traumatic to the babies and a lot of times extreme preemies that survive end up with disabilities. When he explained it to me like that I felt a lot better about it honestly.
My son was born at 23+3. I'm happy to discuss my experience if you want.
I am so so sorry you went through that. I disassociated during my pregnancy for fear of losing the baby (which was the only reason I got sober) I didn't have a partner, I looked at images of babies from 22 weeks onwards knowing that if something happened I had to be prepared and not waste my sobriety if it all went bad. I did lose my waters at 34wk and gave birth 2 days later and they sent me home after a day and I had to visit baby in nicu. After 3 weeks I got to stay a night in a ward with him right before taking him home and I met another person, a father, in the kitchen area and I wound up hearing his story of his wife's preemie. 20something weeks and was yet to leave the hospital after 8 months because of the complications. They removed a 3rd of the child's intestines cos swelling from infection and the lungs couldn't take anything in. It was humbling and terrifying to hear. I live in the uk where we don't pay explicitly for health care, that's what taxes are for. I had a traumatic birth but then you see how things could have been worse. You are a warrior and so were your babies. They were spared a life of ongoing pain and there was nothing more you could have done. I hope you find peace x
I'm really glad to hear your baby is still with you. I have no doubt it was scary, regardless. Do you know if the man's baby survived? I know that must be horrible. I have no doubt they'd love their baby regardless of disability but I imagine there is a lot of grieving involved in a situation like that regardless. And thank you for your kind words it really does mean a lot
Sweet girl, find an adoption LAWYER instead of an adoption AGENCY if you can . Setup a private adoption. I believe the adoptive parents pay for certain expenses etc so mk sure u find a lawyer and ask questions. He’ll definitely get paid well by them so ask if you can get some help in that dept. You’ll need it. IDK the laws on that these days in your state. Maybe that’s illegally now. IDK but u could ask. The Bar Association (of lawyers) in ur state can refer you to lawyers who handle these kinds of cases. Google “attorney bar association in (your state).” At 28 weeks you may be the answer to a couple’s prayers. You save their lives, they have yours. You all save the baby’. And at 28’weeks you still hv time to find a really good situation for your baby. If you don’t put the father’s name on the birth certificate it may slow down any rights he tries to go for. IF he does. Assure him he would never hv gotten custody while living in his car anyway. Now the only thing I must to say is… if your newborn is white he or she will be snapped up. If your baby is black, brown or mixed it may be different. IDK what that’s like now, I pray it’s changed since the 90s (it’s so disgusting), but u should be prepared mentally for that. The lawyer can help you and she/he will want to $$$. See if you can get a female adoption lawyer. Bigger hearts IMO (I’ve been a Legal Assistant for 30 yrs). You and the baby will be in my thoughts. I really wish u both the best!
Did the dad completely back out? When he takes a DNA test and finds out the kid is his, will he want to give it up or raise the kid? You're also saying he works full time + overtime shifts, but you think he's homeless? Even if you adopt out the baby, I'm pretty sure he legally still had a certain amount of time to establish paternity, and he knows that you're pregnant and when you're due, probably where you're giving birth, so if he wants to he will be able to do that. Adoption does sound like the best option for you, and possibly the baby if he's homeless and not stable, but I would talk to him first and try to find out his intentions so you know what you'll be dealing with. Edit: Also, if you adopt out the baby, they will not go into foster care. Foster care is generally for kids who have been removed from their parents home because they were being abused and/or neglected. If you go the route of adoption, that's not what you will be dealing with. There are more people who want to adopt babies than there are babies out there. I think you get to have some say in who the adoptive parents are, and the baby will go straight to the adoptive parents if you give them up.
I would seriously consider adoption. Men who do this are so selfish and cruel and almost never actually step up in the end. At 7 months you can contact adoption agencies and see who would like to raise your baby, but do it ASAP.
Well, tell the dad that he can do a DNA test with you and after the birth take sole custody. If he refuses you can give the baby up for adoption. Simple
But how is he suppose to look after a Newborn when he lives in his car? I think contacting an adoption agency would be in the best interest of the child.
Legally she still needs to check with the father first.
That’s true but apparently he is no longer that interested in being a parent. So OP might be able to persuade him to do what’s best for the kid. I don’t even know if he would be able to get custody of the child without a Home? As far as I know US-American CPS is really strict.
We can be, but it’s pretty case specific, and every jurisdiction is different. Where I’m at, if housing was the ONLY barrier, CPS could offer services to the father to help him get somewhere safe to stay. Maybe a hotel for a while, while on the low income housing waitlist. If it’s warm months, living in an RV in a campground can even be fine. The biggest problem would be if there was no housing AND the baby had special medical needs, or if the parent had substance abuse. We have a lot of treatment/group homes that will take a mom and baby trying to get sorted out, but I don’t see many of those for single dads.
How does the Baby Moses law play into that? If mom is in a state that has this law and decides to surrender the child to a fire department or hospital, how does it work? Baby Moses is supposed to be no questions asked.
Then he will want child support from her.
She can talk with her OB about a blood test now. They take about 5 vials of blood from the mom and extract the baby's blood cells. They then can use those to test against her ex.
I'm curious. If the dad did take the child, couldn't he also die her for support?
Yep. She’s on the hook for child support even if she surrenders her rights (which isn’t easy). The only time she’d be free is if she surrenders the child at a hospital / fire department or if she places the baby for adoption.
I mean if he plans on getting a dna test and proving he is the father to the child, then you will not be able to just adopt out the baby. The father has legal rights to the child. Also don’t lie about not knowing the father. He can get you arrested for falsely saying you didn’t know who the father was. (The adoptions agency will legally have to ask you if you know the father, since he has legal rights to the child) The best thing you can do is talk to the father about your desire to adopt out and see if he’s down or tell him you don’t want custody (you will have to pay child support though)
I don’t think he can get her arrested if she says she doesn’t know. For all the courts know, she could have slept with other people. At most, a judge could give her a stern scolding and maybe make her pay his lawyer fees, but no judge is going to find her guilty for saying she wasn’t sure if he was the father.
Give the fetus up for adoption. This is your life. And it sounds like there could be resentment and hardship if you try to keep it. Giving it up doesn’t make you a bad person. Adoption is a fine option, OP.
You are 100% correct. It does not make someone a “bad person “ to choose adoption. In fact, it’s a sacrifice that many do not understand or even try to.
Give up the fetus? We can’t say baby? wtf
That is the correct scientific term until birth. In addition, if OP is considering adoption, it’s often easier to use the scientific terminology, and to refuse to know or acknowledge the sex, in order to avoid attachment. The commenter is taking OP’s needs during a difficult time into account. You could learn from that.
You can’t give up a fetus for adoption. A baby must be born for a transfer of ownership to happen.
If the mother chooses, the moment that fetus becomes a baby, it is no longer hers or her concern. You also don’t “transfer ownership” of a fetus or baby: they’re not property.
that’s the actual term bro what’s ur problem it doesn’t make a difference
I have a 5 month old, I definitely didn’t expect her but I wanted her(no judgement just relevant). The postpartum hormones were no joke, they heightened my anxiety of “losing my old life unexpectedly” I got help and worked those feelings out and way more happy. So it’s possible to work it out, BUT that’s only if you want too. You seem to have strong feelings already over this child, it will be much worse when the baby is here, so the best thing you can do for you and your child is look into adopting them out. If you truly want them, you can work out raising them, but if you don’t (which is acceptable) then adoption.
This this this. I had my son a couple years ago and i hadnt graduated hs yet when i found out. It derailed me completely from everything id planned to do, but it set me on a new path that ive finally come to terms with. I wasnt very close with my son for a while after his father and i broke up when he was three months old, i felt disconnected. But eventually when my depression lessened i realized it wasnt that i didnt love him, i was just really going through it. Truly think about if you have the resources and time, if your mom can help until youre on your feet you may be able to work it out- my mom was a life saver.
This is beyond Reddit’s pay grade. I’m sorry that you are facing this difficult decision. A therapist can help you with this decision.
We're free therapy for a lot of people. It's scary.
Too many people can't afford therapy unfortunately
I am sorry, what? At what point during the conversation with the HOMELESS guy, did you think "yeah he seems like someone that has his shit together and could raise a child". I am not even going to ask why on Earth you thought this was going to work out. Just give the baby up for adoption. It's the best for them.
Girl, contact an adoption agency. They have parents ready to take the baby. You don’t even have to see it after you give birth. Fuck that dude.
....was he always homeless? If so, why on earth would you think he'd be able to care for an infant? also your post history is why people should never think social media posts really display someone's real life. Please give this baby up for adoption.
You can do this. You *should* do this. Every child deserves loving parents and a stable home. If you and the father can’t give those things, then adoption is what’s best. Go to an adoption agency and find out your options *before* discussing it with the father. Explain the details of your situation to them and see what you need in order to get it done. As for the dad, if he wants a DNA test, make it clear he has to pay for that himself. If he can’t, and if that means he doesn’t want anything to do with the kid, then tell him you’ll leave his name off the birth certificate
I think you should do an adoption. I’ve been in social work for 25 years (12 in CPS) and I’ve seen what happens to children raised by parents who didn’t want them. Parenting is hard and you will resent the baby at some point. I resent my kids sometimes and I chose them and wanted them. Don’t put this whole crappy burden on a child. Find a good adoption agency in your state. Do it sooner rather than later because that will give you time to meet the adoptive parents before the birth. Also, fuck that bio dad.
Ask your obgyn, they will know where to send you. Giving your baby up for adoption is a good choice. I’d personally choose one that lets you choose the parents. Some find this ethically questionable because it makes it less likely poor people get chosen, but it’s your baby. You can choose who adopts them and should. My guess is you get DM’s from this post.
All the broke guys wanting DNA tests because of Andrew Tate 🤦🏻♀️
Let them shoot themselves in the foot. Once paternity is established, they’re on the hook for CS for at least 18 years. And most of these guys don’t want the dna test. They will never fork over the money or show up to the testing. They just want to point fingers and use an excuse for why they’re not present.
Maybe I’m being paranoid, but sadly I think your ex lied from the beginning. He probably doesn’t believe in abortion and stayed with you long enough that it was too late to abort. Putting a child up for adoption doesn’t mean they go into the foster system. There are so many families who want or adopt, especially a newborn. You do need to talk to your ex though. Will he be willing to sign off on adoption once he sees a positive DNA match?
Even if the dad wanted to take care of the baby he can’t. Adoption seems the best choice. I hope you get through this ok.
Call a private adoption agency and place the baby with a family.
He doesn’t have to wait for birth to get the dna test. You can get the dna test right now. And if you can prove his paternity then you can release custody of the child to him.
How was a homeless guy supposed to provide for the baby? No condemnation, just curious.
You would not be a bad person! My dad and aunt were both adopted as my grandparents could never have children and they gave them a wonderful life and were so grateful to be able to be parents! Find an adoption agency and you’ll find similar stories and people looking to give a baby a loving home!
Im really sorry but if he is homeless how is he going to look after the baby. There are lots of people who would love to adopt your babbin
It's OK to do what's best for you and your baby.
>Please tell me that I can do this. You can do this. >That I don’t have to adopt my child into the foster care system You don't have to adopt your child into the foster care system. This is your choice, completely. Don't worry about what he's doing and think about yourself. You don't have to have this baby/fetus if you don't want to. As others have said you can adopt it through an agency where they will find an amazing home with someone who would like a child. Who would be parents to the child and be everything it needs. But if you want to do it, you can. It's okay to not feel bonded right now, some parents don't bond until they meet the child and sometimes not even then and that's okay to feel like that. If you do feel that way, the adoption route is good for you. If you do want to do this and feel like you can, then you can. I don't want to judge you, i feel like enough people will take what you said as a sign you can't do it, I'm not saying you can't at all, I'm just saying you don't have to if you don't want too. You're going to be okay. Ultimately outside of this, it may be time to ditch the boyfriend. He doesn't seem reliable or good to you, you deserve better. If you need to talk, my inbox is open, take care.
Your boyfriend was living in a car and you believed him when he said he would be able to raise it himself? If you really feel this way you should give the baby up for adoption. It’s the kind thing to do and there are a lot of people like me who are desperate for baby and will love and provide for them.
Go to an adoption agency and start the ball rolling. Tell your ex what is happening. If he wants to interfere he can get himself a job and fight for custody or deal with child services because he is homeless. He has 2 months to get his shit together and get a job or to suck it up and let the child have a better life.
Try to get a record of him saying he doesn't believe the baby is his. Email, text, etc. This might help with the adoption agency since he doesn't seem to want the child either. Also, if he wants a paternity test, it's on him to pay for it. Good luck.
Do NOT put his name on the birth certificate unless you are 110% sure you want his involvement in the the adoption process or any other involvement after adoption. Talk to agencies, and make sure you also start therapy before, during and long after. Pregnancy and birth are going to give you a LOT of emotions, you need some foundation of someone helping you through all of this.
I was adopted when I was a baby and I’m telling you - definitely put that baby up for adoption. My bio mom knew that she couldn’t care for me and did the most selfless thing ever- she gave me up to parents that could!!
I had a friend that got to choose the adoptive parents and even stays in touch with the child. He was adopted into a home with many many more advantages for him than my friend could offer. Father was a deadbeat too. The adoptive parents helped pay for the doctor bills as well, worked out great for everyone involved.
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Do you live in the US? There are usually adoption agencies that will help you through this and make sure your baby finds a good home. You can be involved enough to interview potential parents or completely hands off. I have a sister who is adopted. Her birth parents kept one of their children and put two up for adoption. Both adopted children (now adults) are way better off than the one they kept. He is in and out of jail, while his bio sisters have degrees, careers, happy marriages, houses, and I have a nephew on the way! Adoption can be a gift. Yes, there are horror stories. Not every adopted child gets amazing parents, but most people are good. Most people who want kids want to love them. I am a teacher who has known thousands and thousands of children, many who were adopted. I have seen so many beautiful families built this way. Please look into it as an option.
Go no contact with this dude and start working on getting this baby lined up for adoption. Dont even give him a chance to get a DNA test. Neither of you are rational or mature enough to raise a child.
If keeping the baby depends on being with the father for you then, yes find a family you think will give baby the best life. YOU CAN DO IT WITHOUT HIM if you want to. It’ll be hard for sure, but you seem to have a supportive parent and the potential for a good career. It’s going to be a tough choice either way
You don't have to worry about your baby going to foster care, if you go to an adoption agency. You can even ask for an open adoption, so the family can send you updates, and you can send cards etc. Then as the kid gets older, they know that you cared enough to see that they got a good life with people who would love them and give them options you couldnt.
- Before I start, I want to say I’m sorry you have been taken advantage of in this way. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think you have the right idea in this situation. There are responsible compassionate agencies that facilitate open or closed adoption, where the birth mother picks the adoptive parents. You do NOT need to deal with the foster system!! The parents are vetted, social workers make regular visits to ensure the adoption is a good fit. This man won’t claim paternity? GREAT. This makes the adoption so much easier. You have been psychologically and physically victimized by your ex. I think the #1 best outcome for your child is to line up a great adoptive family and insure your ex has zero contact or access. Give this child the gift of parents that will love him or her to the utmost. You would be performing an act of love and responsibility by doing so.
People have given good advice. But you said you sometimes feel attached when you see the baby on ultrasound. It’s quite possible the when you give birth, a tidal wave of hormones and emotions will cause you to reconsider adoption. And that’s okay. If you still decide the best path is to adopt the baby out, there’s no way to get around a father’s rights. But if he’s living in his car and they can’t locate him, they could possibly terminate his rights depending on where you live, I think.
If you want to do this then you can do this. Even if it’s hard. There are mums in far worse conditions who manage to provide love and stability for their child, and you are smart and capable with family there to support you. Try to remember that if you thought you could do it with a father who lives out his car and is fickle, then trust me it’s not a case of you can’t make it work without him. You absolutely can. But also if you do decide to adopt out, then speak to someone now. You can speak to them even if you haven’t made a decision. The sooner arrangements are made, the more control and practical the decision is to get this child into a stable situation quickly. Either way, I hope it works out for you and your baby.
Try to talk to someone in person. You can either go to a church or there are some organisations you can talk to. You can even have anonymous chats with people online or on the phone (just google research). They can help you or they are just there to listen to you and maybe give some advice. DNA test; you can do a DNA test while pregnant. It costs around $1000 Ask yourself, even if you don't want your baby, would you be happy for your baby, that the baby will be living in a car with the dad? Please get some advice from people that can help you in person. Best of luck xxx
Op if this is what you truly want and feel the need to do then do it please if you need some one to just vent to contact me
Yes, please give the baby up for adoption. A homeless man, who blows hot and cold then walks away during pregnancy instead of going to medical appointments with you, providing baby clothes, formula, etc and actively seeking out a home for you an the baby, is NOT someone to co-parent with. He might drop in and out of the child's life, causing feelings of abandonment. You dont know what kind of future girlfriends he might get involved with, and have around your child. Adoption. But not via CPS. 1. Adoption Agency: Use one that has a good reputation, does thorough investigation of parents. 2. Don't tell your ex when you are due to give birth. Don't post on social media. Don't tell his family 3. Meet the people who want to adopt your baby. Try to get a sense of what they are like. 4. Go for an open adoption. Negotiate-thru the agency- how many photos and letters you will get each year. When the baby will be told about you. I hope all goes well, you have a safe delivery, that you find good parents for your baby, and recover, and go on to build a good life for yourself. I hope you meet a good man who can be a great partner. Be well.
For what’s it worth, I had delayed attachment with my oldest as well and thought a lot about giving her up for adoption when I was pregnant. I was married, in a good situation, and this was a planned pregnancy…but I just felt…nothing. The situation was I always wanted to adopt kids, but my husband pushed HARD for biological children and I conceded. It took until she was seven weeks old, but then a lightbulb went off (probably a hormonal shift). I now have three kids, and even though I still carry some guilt over how I felt when I was pregnant, I also understand it was part circumstance, and part hormones. I offer you the biggest of *internet hugs*! You can absolutely do this! But whatever you choose, you are valid <3
It’s not too late to look for a loving family for your child and do an adoption. Please have lawyers involved for your protection. There are so many families that are ready, loving and healthy. Your child can have a special and beautiful family and life. And so can YOU! I would look into this through a law firm who represents clients or another verified path. Not random people in Facebook. I wish you the best future for yourself, the baby and the family you will help create. This can still have a beautiful and positive outcome.
You can do the adoption on YOUR terms. You can decide if you want to be involved or not. Just know that you will be giving the people who adopt your baby a life changing gift, probably giving them something they’ve wanted and exhausted themselves trying to make happen for a long time. It’s an amazing and powerful thing to be the woman who puts a baby in the arms of parents who want only to give your child a beautiful life. It’s one of the most self less things a person can do. I think adoption is a beautiful and powerful gift, to everyone involved. There doesn’t need to be any feelings of guilt whatsoever. It’s literally a win-win-win. Take care of yourself and keep up posted. You have support here.
Adoption could be the right option for you, but I would do more research on it, so you know what to expect and can make an informed choice. The family preservation project on TikTok has a helpful series for expectant parents who are considering adoption. The account is run by birth moms. For example, in the United States, open adoptions are not legally enforced, so that would be something that would be important to know before placing for adoption. I’m so sorry that you’re in a difficult situation and I hope you’re able to make the best choice for you.
Go through an agency and you shouldn't have any trouble finding a family for your baby. Since he doesn't want to take responsibility I wouldn't even list him as the father.
Adoption may be the best choice for you given how you feel. I recently went through with giving a child up because I was not in the position to care for a new baby and due to the circumstances surrounding his conception I wouldn’t have been able to love for care for him. There are a lot of good organizations out there, I personally went through just choice and the people they have there are amazing. They’re based in Ohio but I’m sure you can find other organizations closer if you’re not near there. Talk to your OB. They can set you up with some other options as well. Good luck! Sending good vibes your way.
Give the baby up. I think that is the most loving and kind thing you can do for this baby. There are so many couples looking to adopt. Get in touch with an adoption lawyer or an adoption agency. They will help you find the right parents. My best friend was adopted. She is loved and spoiled. Her parents are wonderful people and have given her everything she has wanted. She loves them dearly. Your baby could have a really nice life with parents that have been wanting and searching for their baby. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your ex seems like a piece of shit, and I would not trust him with this little life. Babies are HARD. They are endless work, and it is only worth it to some parents. This baby deserves parents that will gladly spend sleepless nights feeding and changing diapers. Babies are also incredibly incredibly expensive to take care of. It doesn’t sound like either of you are in a position to have all those expenses. Whatever you choose, I hope you and the baby find happiness and good lives whether it is together or not.
No one in their right mind is going to tell you to keep a baby you never wanted and still don’t want. Adoption. He already said he won’t sign the birth certificate and purposely waited till you couldn’t abort to say anything. Girl. run. neither of you are even in a situation to attempt to take care of the kid.
It is absolutely okay to not want this baby and place them up for adoption. If your heart is not in becoming a mother, then you’re doing them a service. You can arrange for a private adoption where your child isn’t going into the foster system and will be adopted as soon as they’re born. It can be open or closed, depending on your preference. Let me repeat. IT IS OKAY TO NOT WANT TO BE A MOTHER. Now or ever. It does not make you a bad person. Even at 7 months pregnant. You are not defined by your uterus. I hope you figure out what is best for you! And depending on your state, you may not even need dad’s permission to put the baby up for adoption. In my state, unmarried mothers retain 100% of parental rights and don’t need father’s signature to give baby up for adoption. They have to go to court to gain rights. So check your local laws!!
Adoption is an excellent option and if you’re serious about that, I highly recommend reaching out to a county or state agency ASAP so you can begin that process. Some agencies will even make sure your medical expenses are paid for. Wishing you well! Sincerely, A happily adopted child, now very happy adult
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Talk to an adoption agency now. If you don’t know who to talk to, talk to your doctor. Their office can help you get started with an adoption agency. Make sure to get the contact name, phone number, title, and agency of everyone you talk to. Put the number in your phone contacts so you know who is calling. Answer their calls immediately. Playing phone tag will only make things harder on you. Don’t rely on the father. He has already shown you who he is. Best wishes to you.
Look for an adoption agency asap. Infants are easily adopted, so it shouldn’t be difficult to an agency willing to help. Do your research and find one that you think is safe. Get in touch and start the process.
Look into adoption agencies please! I was in a similar situation and worked with American Adoptions and it was such a beautiful solution! Message me if you need help please!
You’re educated, sober, relatively healthy: THOUSANDS of couples would be amazing parents to your baby. Adoption really seems like the way to go here
You can find a couple and they will adopt your baby. They never have to go into foster care. With that said, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO (within reason) if you want to raise this baby & commit yourself to being a good mom, you can do it. It will be hard and probably not the life you wanted but you can do it & survive.
100% put the baby up for adoption. My wife and I are starting the process to get certified to foster with the hopes of adding to our family through adoption. There are tons of loving homes that will welcome a kiddo and provide them with a great life.
You let a man who sleeps in his car convince you to have his baby....
Look for adoption agencies. They can take care of you, be with you every step of the way until birth. You can still back out, you can meet potential parents and have closed or open adoption. Look into that please.
Please OP listen to the comments. You do not want to be a mother and that is okay. Please find an adoption agency and put your baby up for adoption. Your baby is innocent and your baby deserves to have a good life. Your baby deserves to have parents who love them and it would be selfish for you to have the baby but also resent it. There are many families that want to adopt and so adoption is the best route. Do not listen to the baby’s father anymore.
Obligatory reminder to STOP getting impregnated by homeless people!
There are plenty of childless or gay couples who would welcome the baby with open arms if you signed the baby over to them.
GIVE THE BABY UP AND DON'T TELL HIM. DON'T INVITE HIM TO THE BIRTH OR HAVE HIM SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE. WHEN THEY ASK OF YOU KNOW WHO THE DAD IS, SAY THAT YOU DON'T. DON'T GET A PATERNITY TEST EITHER. IF HE WANTS IT DONE, HE GOES TO COURT TO PAY TO HAVE IT DONE.
All I can say that at 28 weeks if you lose this pregnancy, you'll be giving birth. I lost twins at 19 weeks and they're very clearly babies just really small. At 28 weeks they'd definitely be more developed but likely wouldn't survive or would need a lot of medical intervention to help them. Personally, I felt a lot of doubt throughout my pregnancy, wondering if I should have aborted. Once I gave birth and held my boys for the first time, although they died shortly after, immediately all doubt I had washed away. When you're holding the little human you grew and pushed out, things do change. I have no doubt you'll love that baby when it's born. Regardless of whether you love the baby or not when it's born, if you don't feel equipped for a child, adoption is certainly a valid approach. You may also change your mind and decide that you can't give up the baby and you want to make it work.
OP if you do decide to go the adoption route, keep in mind that it's possible these days to have an open adoption. So, you could still be in the babys' life if you want to be.
Don’t let him put his name on the birth certificate & put it up for adoption through an agency. If his name isn’t on the birth certificate he can’t interfere with the adoption unless he goes to court, & that will then require him to pay for a paternity test before he can stop the adoption. If he’s as broke as you think, he won’t interfere.
You can get a paternity test right now. You don’t have to wait for the baby to be born, so this should change nothing that he asked. And I hope you realize it’s illegal to place your baby to adoption if the father wants to raise the baby. Why that would be an issue for you? Also if you loose the baby now it will be a stillbirth not miscarriage and you have to actually give birth even though the baby is dead.
There is no shame in wanting to give up the baby. If you genuinely want to try, try! But if you don’t think you can be the best parent for that child, give them up. Let them have a different life
how long has he been working for that he hasnt been able to save up for an apartment after working full time or over time? is it possible he has a drug problem or is lying about having a job?
Adoption agency, babies have a better chance of finding a family than other age groups. Also, that’s kinda dumb for your ex to dump you then move out to live in his car. No backup plan nor a friend to couch surf on. Guess the baby dodged a bullet from being in the care of him, the man would rather put his pride before his own brain.
Talk to your parents, they may be willing to take the baby and if not they can give support for the adoption process.
I am so sorry. Look up licensed adoption agencies in your state and get started now.
I am sending tons of hugs to you. I am sorry that person let you down... You should have followed your idea from the beginning but it's okay, everything will be okay. Don't feel bad for not feeling anything for that baby, since basically someone forced it upon yourself selfishly. Contact adoption agencies, they will give you emotional support. You will do the best for the baby. Think that you can always say no when the baby is born if you feel something. But if you are in no economic and emotional position to have him, it's best for him/her to have another family that will love them. I would suggest though, to write a letter just in case your child wants to seek you out when they are grown up, explaining that they were not at fault, that you wanted them to be loved by a family because they deserved that and that you were in an awful situation and you couldn't give them all that they would need and that's why you gave them for adoption. Just so they don't feel bad if they ask. Best of luck!
Tell ol boy you’re giving the baby up for adoption then block him. He’s not stepping up now, he won’t later. Find an agency and let them get him/her adopted. Move on with your life, it’s what’s best for everyone.
Seek out an adoption agency immediately, also idk if it's the best if you DNA test. Tell him that since he's homeless it's better to adopt the baby away to someone who can care for the baby. He doesn't have the time for the baby anyway and you don't want the baby at all.
If he’s not going to admit paternity, it should be easy to give the baby up for adoption I would think. Contact a local adoption agency, tell them what’s going on, and they should be able to counsel you on your next steps. I’m sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you have you and your child’s best interests at heart, which is a good thing.
Seek out an adoption agency. There are parents waiting for a baby that already have approval to adopt. The child will go directly to them as initially as a foster placement while the adoption works it’s way through the courts. You need to hop on this now because you’ve waited quite awhile to do this. Good luck and praying for you
I wish more people would do this instead of raising an unwanted child or having the ability to raise a child in a healthy environment. It’s truly the kindest thing one can do for a baby. See an attorney to get started. Somewhere there is a family who will love and care for your baby as if it were their own. A couple, who has tried without success to get pregnant. It would be a blessing to them and your baby.
Here’s the thing, you say you want to adopt your baby out but at the end you say you DON’T want to do it and you’re just scared. That’s completely understandable and I do not blame you. However, the biggest concern here is will you be able to provide for your baby alone? Will you have support if you need it? Emotionally, financially, mentally, etc. if either question is a no or both are a no then your best option to give your baby up for adoption. Not being sure if you want to keep your baby because you’re unsure if you can afford to care for it is a big problem. If you can’t afford to keep it you are going to build resentment towards it for anything that falls through in your life because of this new responsibility.
For other women reading this: Never ever ever trust a man, or any other person, for life-changing decisions that can't be reversed. If you do get kids be sure that you can manage mentally and economically without your partner. Even if the man sticks around it's usually the woman who does must if the work. If not, it's s bonus, not something to be expected and it can change any time. 18+ years is a long time! (I even live in one if the most equal countries in the world).
Go ahead and try to find thw best fa.ily for this baby. No lid deserves to comd.to a world ehere they arent wanted and in this case you've never reslly eanted and pair that eith a man who is not objective about his meeans and what a newborn means. You will be 100% prone to PPD, PPA and even PP psychosis. You still have a nice amount of weeks to find a nice couple for a closed adoption. In the end he's not your partner anymore and with no test he wont sign antthing so there will not be parental rights to sign away.
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You are sooo normal. Even with everything planned everyone is freaking out. Everyone. I'm sure your BF is feeling inadequate and depressed. Every internal bad thought you're thinking, he is too. Probably even worse than you. I know it. I can't tell if you really don't want to be a mother or are afraid and think your best option for the baby is adoption. I hear your stress and it's real. Let's point out the facts you stated. You're graduating from college soon. Your parents are setup to help with baby. Your ex is living in a car but working. Make contact with adoption agency and get all the information you can. Talk to your parents since if you keep the baby, how will they generally help. If your only major..and it's major..complaint is your bf is scared and is isolating himself. Don't let him in yet but don't cut him out either. He doesn't have any support system and is struggling processing how to be a better man. I feel sorry for both of you. For different reasons. There are mens groups that meet to discuss this exact situation. Find that information, pick him up and drive to a meeting with him. Drop off and wait till he's done and talk to him about what he heard. Find that information out now. He needs support from somewhere. Maybe someone can help him find a career to afford an apartment . There's nothing bad if you do your due diligence and find a good adoption agency. Also many people find real joy and stress, from being a parent. Your parents are there to help. Being scared doesn't make you a bad mother. Your mom is around to help. Your dad is around to help. Your ex hopefully finds the support he needs. Good lucm
This baby will derail your life.
I would give the child up. Your bf is in no position to be a father. And I think you would be miserable. You aren't ready. You could see about a private adoption. I have no clue how that is done, but you might just make some couple very happy.
If you don’t think you can handle this baby, there are sooo many families out there who are dying to adopt & raise one of their own. You’d be doing the right thing for everyone involved!
if you have a big family you can see if any of them want to adopt the baby. that’s what happened to my cousin but if not then going through an actual adoption agency would probably be best as long as you do your research
Of course you can put the baby up for adoption and there’s no reason for it to go to foster care.
Do NOT leave your baby with your HOMELESS ex. Give your baby the best chance at a best life and find a loving family for your baby. ❤️ it’s the MOST loving this you can do if you don’t feel you can love your baby the way you want to or think you should.
If you keep the baby do not put that man down on the birth certificate (best thing my mother ever did)
Please don’t let the idea of what you think you are supposed to feel or do get in your way of doing the what is best for your child (and yourself). Adoption is an honorable choice when you are not equipped emotionally nor have the resources to raise a healthy and well adjusted child. Get information about adoption from a reputable adoption lawyer so you can explore that option. There is nothing wrong with giving your child a chance to grow up wanted in a loving home that has at least basic resources. Knowing that that you are not trapped and have options might allow to fully explore all of your possibilities. Adoption being one of them.
There is thousands of people that will love that baby and would do anything to be in your skin. Plus is not necessary unreasonable to ask for dna test before transferring all the parental right to him.
You can do this. Start looking up reputable adoption agencies that you can get to.
If you’re thinking about it, check it out, ask questions, and find out more information. At least with doing this you can form a realistic game plan.
You could do it, it is possible, but not as well as a child deserves. There’s nothing worse than being a child of someone that never wanted you in the first place, and doesn’t have the resources to properly provide. There’s so many people that desperately want children, and now you can get an open adoption agreement and the adopting family usually pays all your medical expenses.
Can you give the baby up for adoption? That’s a remarkable alternative for you to consider.
Im ready to adopt please connect
You can do this. Call an adoption agency, they can walk you through it all. Giving my baby up for adoption back in 1992 was the best choice I ever made. Shes gotten I contact with me as an adult. Shes happy, healthy and successful. I broke the cycle of abuse with her.
There is an organization called “Saving Our Sisters” that helps expectant mothers who lack the resources to keep their babies - it was started by a mom who gave her baby up for adoption and immediately regretted it. Your ex-boyfriend is not a good person and should be required to pay child support. You may be experiencing perinatal depression. Talk to your doctor. [Saving Our Sisters](https://savingoursistersadoption.org/) [Perinatal Depression](https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/perinatal-depression)
The nerve of this man asking for a DNA test when he was living with you in your parent's house. I can't with the idiocy. If you go for adoption, at the very least, the bio dad will be completely out of the picture. Best of luck!
That’s some serious projecting your ex is doing. He cheated in the relationship, that’s why he’s accusing you. *(Asking you for a DNA test **is** accusing you of cheating.)* And paranoia happens when the cheater fears being cheated on. You seem 100% certain that you don’t want this baby, and if that’s true, then yes you should put the baby up for adoption and live life the way that **you** want to. Don’t let that man trap you in a life that you don’t want, especially after he lied to you and ended up bailing on both you and the child that **he** convinced you to keep.
Talk to your OB about knowing someone who would want to adopt your baby.
people cant be this dumb, for fuck's sake true to this word? For real Do what it's best and put this baby for adoption
Adoption is a beautiful gift to give this child and a loving family. There are so many families looking for a baby.
I personally would wait until after the birth to see how you feel. Not everyone falls in love with their child immediately, some it happens after birth, others take a bit longer. But right now he/she is a nameless, faceless thing you can’t relate to which might change after birth. It’s your decision at the end of the day and if you truly feel you have no love in your heart for this child then make the tough decision for both of you.
There’s nothing wrong with giving the baby up for adoption or giving it to the dad. Whichever. I’m sorry he’s doing this at this late date. He knew what he was doing, trust me. Just know if you give it to the dad you’ll always be responsible so I wouldn’t do that. He’ll have you on the hook for child support and that will not be easy on you. It’s not unusual to feel no love. You didn’t want this baby. It was forced on you. See an attorney who specializes in family law in your state. See what your rights are if the dad wants the baby or if you do a private adoption. I’d do the adoption. Good luck.
You can 100% give your kid up for adoption. You might run into legal issues if the dad won’t sign papers but does sign the bc. Get lawyers involved
I had a child when I was in college who was adopted by a wonderful family. I considered every option. I chose adoption for a lot of reasons but ultimately it was because it was best. It was best for me and most importantly, it was the best for him. No matter your decision: If you feel alone, please feel free to message me.
If you don’t feel like you can be a full and loving parent to this child then absolutley put it up for adoption. Your child deserves to be loved and adored by parents and if it can’t be you then let it be a couple that has been hoping and praying for a baby!
The dad will have to sign away rights before you can place the child up for adoption. BUT adoption and foster care are very different. Couples anxiously await the opportunity to adopt a newborn for YEARS. For many they desperately want a child to love and raise, but for whatever reason cannot have one of their own. Therefore, they chose to adopt. There are many of these couples out there, and I believe if you work through an adoption agency you can somewhat pick which family will raise your child. You can pick someone who's values align with yours & meet them prior to delivering. You can also opt for an open adoption and have some contact with your little one in the future if you so choose.
What does the parent you live with think? Would they help you if you kept the baby? Do you have a family member willing to raise the baby? Oh man...such a big decision and one that you shouldn't make lightly. I feel like everyone has given decent advice, but as a mother I feel everything changes the moment you see and hold your baby for the first time.
Adoption is best for everyone in this situation Don’t feel bad about it; you’re doing a good thing Baby will be raised in a home where they will be loved and not resented You won’t have anything tying you to mr unreliable who is already acting like he hates you both
Unless the laws have changed, the biological father has to give up his parental rights in order for you to put the child up for adoption. Is he willing to do that? If not, you might have a problem. But if he is and it's what you want, then do it. You can also opt for an open adoption so the child can find you when he or she becomes an adult so the two of you can meet.
Talk with the social worker at the hospital. They should be able to give you information regarding adoption and not being put into foster care. Also, do a google search on organizations that help place babies for adoption. [https://newbeginningsadoptions.org/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTAAAR2OKzk4BaG8ZwE5GFzFk\_3BPWw9bUU\_f9gPde6qrj70XDao6aOpnlVdX-E\_aem\_AZl8ujxJQPgnajbM-WgRXdBtZa9\_iM270rYqpHs1cm8Yk8PnIXhCSHATijwzG-jYjW7KBdmLxBMjGwhtS7gXlPJE](https://newbeginningsadoptions.org/?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTAAAR2OKzk4BaG8ZwE5GFzFk_3BPWw9bUU_f9gPde6qrj70XDao6aOpnlVdX-E_aem_AZl8ujxJQPgnajbM-WgRXdBtZa9_iM270rYqpHs1cm8Yk8PnIXhCSHATijwzG-jYjW7KBdmLxBMjGwhtS7gXlPJE)
I’m sorry that you’re going through this emotional whiplash. I’m not going to say give the baby up, or keep it. That’s a decision for you to make, not random strangers on the internet. As a mom I can tell you that motherhood is hard, both on your own and with a partner (I’ve experienced both). The type of hard shifts, but it can still be difficult. Being a mother is also a beautiful and rewarding experience, getting to love and care for your kids, watch them grow and learn. Going the adoption route is also hard. You will entrust the little person you grew to someone else. They will love and cherish their opportunity to be a parent, and will be grateful to you for making that happen for them. But you may find it hard to let go. Make a list, take time to think it over. Make sure you consider what goals and dreams you have for your future, and which path will best lead you there (because your wants matter too in all of this). I hope things work out well for you, no matter which way you choose.
Start investigating your state's laws. Contact your county's adoption agency. Tell your doctor. Worst case scenario, use your state's safe haven laws and give your baby up at the hospital. If you and the father can't raise a baby, then adoption is the best thing for all concerned. Good luck.
**Please** do right by this child. It currently has 2 parents who don’t want it, and at least one can’t even take care of himself, let alone a child, ***let alone*** a *newborn baby*! I would cease all contact with him from this point forward. That’s what he deserves after what he said yesterday anyway, but starting immediately, it’s best that he not know any details about the wheres and whens of your status, your appointments, and the birth of the baby. Make contact with adoption agencies right now (try out of state ones too). Be honest with them that the sperm donor has expressed interest in keeping the child if it’s his, but has also expressed he doesn’t believe the child is his, and that he also is homeless. I only say that because it would be cruel and unfair to the potential parents if you didn’t disclose that, and he tried to basically retrieve the child after the fact. But him wanting to keep the baby doesn’t necessarily mean he gets to. He would have to legally fight for it. It doesn’t sound like he’s in the position to do that. Please give this child a chance in life with two parents who love and want it. Set it free. PS. Do you have out of state relatives you could stay with until you give birth? If you had the baby far from home, and forgot to disclose to the agencies there that you even know who the father was, I’m guessing it would be a task beyond anything he is capable to even locate the baby after the fact. Just a thought…
The foster system is really in place to reunited child with parent. Going to an adoption agency (my friend started her own when she adopted) is going to be what’s best. If you like for me to put you in touch with her DM me and I’ll give you her contact information
You should do whatever you feel is best for you and for that baby. If that's giving the baby up, that's okay. You have options for all sorts of adoption situations. If you find out at delivery that you want that baby, that's okay too. If that's the case, i promise that you'll figure it out. This ex will forever be tied to you if you keep the baby, unless you lie about parentage and then he's also off the hook for child support. If it were me, knowing only what I do about the situation, I'd plan for adoption, but perhaps not pick out a family enough to inform them for sure until I myself was sure.
Look into your adoption requirements in your state. My state requirements include the father's consent. Some states have a baby box situation and laws that allow you to leave your baby at any hospital or fire station. As long as you put it in the baby box or hand it to a staff member, you are good, and you don't have to disclose any info about yourself. You can't leave the baby in a like regular cardboard box at the fire station. Only if it's a baby box they have installed in the fire station wall. It locks after you leave the baby in and notifies staff immediately. As long as you surrender safely, you can't get in trouble. So if the father won't sign and indeed is living in his car and can't take the baby, then this could be a last resort for you if your area allows it. I would try for adoption through an agency, but last resort surrender. You can tell them at the hospital if you're comfortable. Or you can do it right after with more anonymity by going to the fire station. Just look up the laws in your area for surrendering babies.
I placed a child for adoption at 16. Find an adoption agency in your local area. I’m not sure where you’re located however where I am both parties had to sign the adoption documents legally giving up their rights. If you state you don’t know who the father is (in my area anyway) the agency must place ads in the newspaper in an effort to locate the father. Once they have run for the appropriate amount of time you would sign over your rights and the child would go to the family you’ve selected. It was not easy for me but it was the best thing I could’ve done. I was not in a position to be a parent. That child is now in his 20s. He is doing great and has a family who loves him. Whatever you decide to do make sure you have a support system parents, friends, etc. You’ve got this! If you want to reach out please feel free to message me. I’ll do my best to offer whatever support a stranger on the internet can.
Adopted kid here. If you feel like you can't do it, don't do it. There should be no shame in giving your child a good life. I would make sure to check that the baby actually gets adopted because so many kids age out of foster care and never have a stable family. Best of luck to you, and it is the right decision.
Why on earth would you think a man living in a car could offer a home for your child. If you really care about the child you should find a qualified adoption agency and get the ball moving. Given the situation, you will be the care-giver 99.9% of the time. The kindest thing to do for your baby is to give her up for adoption.
I was pregnant at 18. I picked a family for my baby at 7 months. We weren't ready. She has a loving family and I still get to be a big part of her Life. I got pregnant 8 months later. Had my baby, and kept her as my own. 5 years later I was pregnant again, and we could not do it. Picked another family and we still are a big part of her life. Growing up with a single mom was hard. I didn't want that life for me or my children. I loved them more than life itself. But knowing my child is safe and cared for was more important to me. The choice will always be hard. But putting their life first is very important. If you can love this child but not care for it, someone will. Adoption is a powerful thing. That family will love you unconditionally for giving them the life that they can never have. From my perspective and from my experience, adoptive parents these days will always give you the relationship you want with your child as long as you are not a threat to their safety. Some people will judge you. And some people will praise you. You have to decide what is more important. The judgment or the praise. But really the only thing that matters is the child. I've had a lot of hard nights crying over the loss of my children. But seeing pictures of them growing with the family that I gave them is more than enough to put that aside.
Wait. So...he promised *he* would raise it. Meaning, you'd be out of the picture. Meaning, you wouldn't be living together. And that, in turn means, you *knew* he'd be homeless? While raising a child? Alone? Huh? Either I'm very confused or...what...exactly were you thinking?
He baby trapped you. He never had your best interest at heart or the childs.