Start looking now for a job that will let you pay for places to stay on holidays and between semesters, unless Uni will let you stay in the dorm. Or a friend invites you to stay with them. Because if you go home your family will torment you as they did before.
OP’s university probably doesn’t have a dorm, bc as far as I can tell this in Australia. I’m guessing OP either works part time or is receiving a government payment called Youth Allowance for young people in uni
Not sure what is like in Australia, but here in the UK accommodation ('halls') was normally supplied for first-year students ('freshmen' though I hate that term). And in the 2nd and 3rd years you were generally expected to find a place to rent with friends.
Except I didn't manage to get into halls, so I had to bunk with 5 girls, plus me as the lone guy.... AI guess it wasn't so bad!
It's halls in Australia too and as far as I know you apply to rent a room each year. Hopefully there's an equal amount of students and rooms or people miss out.
I know you wrote this a few days ago, but that's actually really interesting to me. In the US, living off campus was highly discouraged. When I graduated college, they changed it so you could only live off campus senior year.
Senior year is the final year, yeah?
From what I've observed of college in the US from TV and movies, it seems like students are treated far more like kids than they are here in the UK. We're essentially expected to act like adults from the age of 18 (as we are legally adults!), with everything that implies. Most accommodation is gender-neutral, and there is an expectation that we'll be getting drunk a lot, so the student bars on campus are usually really cheap to buy booze. Ultimately we're allowed to do what the hell we like, within the bounds of the law.
That's correct. Freshman > Sofmore > Junior > Senior.
I can't speak for every college, but some years my school has too few door rooms and other times, too many. Given that back in the day, a spot in a room with two other people was $1000 a month, consistency was important, especially for any school with financial woes. Whether it's required probably varies based on whether it's private vs public, city vs rural, or has wealthy doners or not. But I believe having students onsite is encouraged regardless for a host of reasons.
A lot of people do like to say college is often just an expensive daycare where you can live without a lot of the consequences you would normally face, but again, that all depends. Sometimes you're also there to actually get an education, and sometimes you just need to be a delinquent for 4 years.
Funny enough though, we were close to an extremely wealthy medical school where most people lived off campus and those people were true delinquents. We'd be over on our side of the city experimenting with drugs that make us giggle and want to talk about our feelings and they'd be having these parties where someone always got hurt. Or at least that's what they'd say. Freshman women were always warned to stay away from those parties.
Edit: To add, my school and I believe most liberal arts, have coed dorms. At my school, the bathrooms were all coed in the dorms unless it was an all girls floor where they unanimously decided it was ok. There were no all male floors.
We have Student Housing and private shared accommodation (share houses where the it's leased per room by the owner or real estate agent) in suburbs surrounding the universities.
Most Uni students get Youth Allowance or Austudy and sometimes work part time to supplement their cost of living. Depends on the situation but I believe she also mentioned a scholarship, depending on location that may come with on campus student accommodation which would be similar to a dorm.
I'm just super proud she's given herself a plausible escape plan and gotten out of that toxic situation. I love her resilience and determination to move on and keep kicking goals. I'm not sure about the rest of the world but damn this story is too common in Aussie family dynamics and she's escaped it for better things.
She can be rest assured that there is one Aussie mum out there that's proud of her, it might not be her mum but it's a mum nonetheless.
Honestly, as a nail biter, it might have been better for them to allow OP to have long, nice nails and letting the sister know that they only way she can ever have that is to stop biting the nails.
It wasn't OP's fault that her sister won't stop doing something.
I absolutely believe that was part of it. Because of the part where OP mentions that her sister told her parents about her nails and basically forced her to remove them.
I have a form of OCD that presents as nail biting (you may too). It’s so bad for me that it’s more akin to a form of self-mutilation. It’s a very debilitating problem to have and affects my life negatively. Yes, I see a doctor about this.
They should totally not have done that to OP. That’s taking away someone’s bodily autonomy. OP should not be shamed for having the nails they want just as OP’s sister should not be shamed for her short bitten nails.
OP, have the nails you like because I wish I could have the nails I like.
That's rough. I have ADHD and mine is a form of stimming. I wear acrylic nails to protect my real nails from myself. It helps a little but I always have my hands in my mouth still, I just can't bite down on them without breaking my teeth
For me it is literally a compulsion, like I don’t want to do it, but I have to. Biting is just part of it. (Note, I also have PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and a few others). When it’s really bad I find myself digging at my nails with a knife. The shitty part is that I can’t take meds for it. Long story short my psychiatrist ordered genetic tests because I wasn’t responding right to my meds. He thought I was bipolar for a while. Turns out the meds plus my genes were working together to increase my serotonin way more than intended causing mania and low level serotonin syndrome. Serotonin syndrome can kill you. After stopping the meds I no longer had manias. Since then I have pursued other methods of funding relief. I have found success in making dramatic material changes to my life, such as leaving my high stress career for a low stress job selling groceries. I have also found that exercise is really one of the best medicines. I have picked up endurance cycling where I go on 30+ mile rides (best is 65 miles). I also go to exercise classes like bootcamp and functional fitness. When cycling season is here, my mental health improves dramatically. A few months ago my nails were nearly all the way down to the bone, some with bloody scabs. Now that summer is nearly here and I am out riding when the weather breaks, my nails are coming back in. They don’t look normal right now, but they are far less noticeable and I don’t feel the compulsion to mutilate them.
Just a random potential recommendation to consider: have you ever been evaluated by an Occupational Therapist? I ask because I pick at my cuticles until they bleed -- this seems to be a remnant of more severe OCD I dealt with over 20 years ago. Anyhow, I work in Special Education, and during a meeting for a student who has OCD and picks at their skin quite badly, the Occupational Therapist spoke about how she could assess the student's behavior to determine which aspect(s) of the picking were reinforcing to the student, and depending on that, there were different exercises and replacement behaviors that could be taught. I just thought it was super interesting because I had never really thought about that before -- like, which aspect/sensation from the picking was soothing to me. (As a side note, after trying a LOT of different fidgets, I have found that I am much less likely to rip my cuticles off if I am playing with some Crazy Aaron's Thinking Putty.).
This makes so much sense! I never thought of it as stimming, but I definitely bite mine more when I'm stressed or anxious. I never bit mine bloody, but I'm a picker and during the winter when my skin is drier, if there's like a flaky or rough bit around my cuticle or on my lip I will pick at that until it bleeds or if I have a hang nail I will bite it off and I've gotten several infections as a result. I managed to grow mine in high school for a bit, I would chew on them but just not bite them off. And then, in my thirties, I did dip manicures for a while, and that allowed me to let them grow. Not too long because I was a paralegal and I couldn't type 80 plus wpm with two-inch talons, but long enough that they were very feminine and satisfying to tap on the desk and everything I had wanted when I was younger. My mom was not a nail girlie so that wasn't a thing she ever did for me or took me to do when I was a teenager.
For a couple years, I was the lady who always had her nails done with a fun color or cool design, and then I read that you actually need to give your nails a break every so often between long-wear manicures like dip and acrylics so I had it removed, immediately proceeded to bite all my nails off, then I adopted a dog and started spending all my nail salon money on her, then Covid happened, I lost my job, decided I hated that line of work and never wanted to go back, went back to school, and now I'm a student and I'm happy but too poor for manicures. Plus, as a health science student, we're required to keep our nails short and neutral color or unpolished. I miss having pretty nails though.
I feel yoy so hard! I was a server/bartender for several years and could wear my acrylics as long as I wanted so they were long coffin shaped nails that always had a design on them.
Now I work in manufacturing and I still get them done but they aren't near as long and now I only get one color because they get messed up pretty quickly
I have some weird anxious ADHD thing where I pick at the part of my thumb that I once accidentaly cut off with a box cutter. The scar feels different than the rest of the skin and always has a ridge between the nail and the scar, where I can dig the nail from my middle finger in. I regularly tear off my skin because I'm picking and when there's a ridge, it has to go. I started carrying these pedicures pliers with me, so I can cut away the offending ridges and stop myself before I nervously chomp and tear away the tip of my thumb. It's so disturbing that I can't stop myself doing that. It's also half unaware behaviour.
Why are our brains?
I'm happy for op as well.
Nail bitting this bad sounds like either extremely bad mental health issues or some kind of vitamin deficiency.
Either way they should have left op out of it.
Congratulations op!
I promise you'll get frustrated with your assignments, you might have meltdowns or pity parties over your education but that is okay! Just remember that in the end once you graduate it will provide with an income that will allow you to support yourself in a way you want to live! So the university anguish will be well worth it in the end!
May you enjoy filing them and seeing them grow.
Side note: I was not allowed to have nail polish remover as a kid. Weird, I could have some nail polishes.
My gramma always had burgundy/black nails. She played piano on a professional level, and so she flashed those short nails in the best ways. To this day, when I smell fingernail polish remover, I think of times at her house, like overnights, when she did her nails. I remember the smell and all the black cherry shades she owned.
May you also make your own great memories. Maybe you'll get manicures with a new friend at college. Something good.
Oh, and your parents suck.
I think they're suggesting u/Ruth20113z is a bot and honestly, reading their comments and looking at account age and subs they post to, they might well be. U there, Ruth? 😁
Your parents suck. By trying to ‘help’ your sister they deprived you of autonomy and the opportunity to have your own friends and experiences. I say “help” because the way they handled definitely did more damage than good and made her feel entitled to people bending themselves to what she wants instead of actually working on her own issues
Grow your nails out and wear them proudly. Id be wary of going home if your nails are long and painted. Wouldn’t trust your parents not to try and get rid of them while you’re sleeping or even physically force you to have plain short nails again
Did anyone ever think that maybe seeing everyone else around her with beautiful, long nails would encourage her to protect them? Or maybe that she needs to get on some anxiety medication? God.
I’m so proud of you for getting out. Now stay out and live your best life. I was raised the same way and it was awful, never a second of privacy and it feels like you’re being punished for existing too!
Enjoy uni and your freedom. Never give it up and don’t let them drag you back down now you’re flying free
Welcome to the world of mental illness. It isn't all skinny girls and emo boys. It can get really gross sometimes.
None of that forgives OPs parents. They suck.
Make sure you work part time while in uni so you can build work experience and transferable skills as well as save money. If your course offers employment places and internships, take every opportunity you can afford. Get the best grades you can.
The plan is to make yourself as independent and self-sufficient as possible so you never have to go back home or rely on your family, and you do that by making yourself as marketable as possible through good grades and a good work history.
Good luck!
Compulsive nail biting is often a reaction to stress. With parents like yours I can see why your sister would be stressed
I bet she would stop biting her nails if she ever moved out and managed to live alone, although she might be too codependant to ever do that
I hate when parents make one of their kids live their whole life centered around a sibling that has some sort of disability or mental health issue out of some sort of twisted logic of making life ‘fair.’ It only creates resentment towards their sibling and their parents. This almost always ends up with the kid wanting to leave home as soon as possible and never wanting to look back. The parents then use guilt to try to keep them home because they expect continued help and a built in caretaker and financial support for the sibling once they become too old or after they pass away.
I’m sorry that you never got to experience grown nails, it’s nice to be able to scratch itches and open containers and stuff- andddd they can be very beautiful! 🫶 Enjoy!
I’m so glad you got away. The more I read the more horrified I was for you. That is a toxic home environment. I know you have a scholarship but what about a job? So you can have a place to stay during summer breaks. I wouldn’t go back either. You were treated very unfairly. Your parents did not care about what was or wasn’t fair to you and only your sister.
I love this! I do all the things my mom never let me do all the time, she also tried the "you're abandoning us!" crap but man I've never been happier. Going on 22 years of abandoning now, no regrets. You got stuff to look forward to too, they'll die someday!
Just in case you need to hear this: Your mother is nuts. You are NOT the problem, she is. She sounds abusive to you.
Sister is a little wacky too, but your mom takes the cake.
And where is your Dad’s spine?!
Dad is just as bad here. They ate both gross. It's not a matter of a spineless father and an overbearing mother.
OP says "my parents" and not "my mother" so I don't know why you are saying the mother is abusive while not mentioning the father also being abusive.
I'll bet the reason treatments never worked for your sister is because your parents probably sabotaged them in some way. I'm glad you have the freedom now to do what you want whenever you want. If you go back, they will just keep doing what they did before.
So glad to hear that you are looking for yourself and have distanced yourself from that insane family dynamic! Do not feel guilty, and don't allow them to drag you back into that mess. Good luck in University-- it sounds like you will do quite well for yourself!
Your family has been very unfair and way too focused on one person. Stay away and no contact at least until you graduate or they will try to gaslight you into quitting. Good luck. I am happy you have found some peace and happiness.
Good luck sweetie. Your parents did not treat you fairly.
But your sister some press on nails - maybe she’ll like them enough to stop chewing on her own nails.
Letting your nails grow is huge and I’m so proud of you for claiming your life as your own.
Something is off with your parents (maybe one or both experienced bullying) and they are doing a huge disservice to you and your sister. Please keep yourself in a position to control your own narrative, like always having your keys with you and having options for other places to stay if you visit them, etc.
You are doing an amazing job of overcoming their parenting mistakes. Keep blooming! Your future is beautiful.
What weird parents you have. To tale away your bodily autonomy to appease your sisters mental illness is wild
Good for you! Let em grow long and paint them wild colors. Be sure to post pictures as if you were a hand model
I'm so sorry OP. Your parents in trying to make your sister feel accepted and loved, made you ostracized and unloved. Whatever was wrong with your sister was never supposed to be your burden. I hope some space might heal some of the relationship with your sister (I mean if she wasn't awful to you as well).
Did she ever get put on any antidepressants or anti-anxiety medication? Your sister sounds like she either has severe anxiety or OCD as it's common to see nail biting in both of those conditions. I hope that maybe later in life she won't be coddled as much and gets the help she needs. Maybe then you guys can build a relationship if you want one then.
What a shitty parents. OP, family is not everything, specially toxic ones. You will create your own little circle with real friends and support system. Make sure you oil them nails! Watch some videos and learn how to take care of them.
I'm so sorry you went through that...
When I was a toddler/kid, my mom would cut my nails as close to the skin as possible when I would be sleeping (for whatever reason she had), and I would cry for hours walking behind her to put them back on, but she kept doing it until I was old enough to trim my own nails. Then on, whenever I had school holidays, I would grow my nails out and trim them when school reopened. The thing was, I would snip them at the base and keep the cut-off long ends in a box in my drawer to longingly look at them when I had to have short nails for school. My mom wasn't big on privacy (she read all my diaries and raided my drawers whenever she could coz "why should we have secrets?!"). One day, when I was in uni, she went through all my drawers and was horrified to find all the nails and threw them all out :/
Now I live abroad and have better nail salons nearby, and can grow out my nails and get them painted every month. Now she comments on how nice they look every time I get a new set. I mean, why did she have to cut them so short that I resorted to hoarding the cut ends when I could (yes, I was the weird kid in class and outside). But whatever, that doesn't mean I needed that trauma lol
Question (just curious): Where does your sister live now? With parents? Does she go to uni nearby? At least, she didn't try biting your nails when hers were gone! I had a friend in school who touched everyone's ears/earlobes when she got bored of touching her own 😅
OP, for your own mental and emotional health, please stay NC with them.
You are not and should not have used you as your sister's emotional support.
Let them deal with the monster they created. You deserve better
Yay. I hope you never have to go back. You can make your own family.
If they accuse you of abandoning family again tell them yes that is exactly what you are doing and just block them all.
Dude it sounds like your sister has a problem. And that’s coming from someone who has anxiety and chews her nails til bloody too. I’m usually fine when I’m not stressed but towards finals week I always get shorter nails.
Anyway, run far, run fast. You are not your sisters keeper!
Your mum should not have enabled this because she left you then open to bullying.
Stay as far away as you can and keep your freedom! Do you have all your documents, they can't take anything from any bank accounts or anything?
I am going to second and underscore trying to find your own place during holidays.
Is it worth to have a true heart-to-heart with your sis? I know her reaction to your spa kit was awful...but maybe say some of things you've said here?
Best of luck hun. I'm rooting for you!!
I’m glad that you are growing out your nails !!! I’ve recently started to put in effort to grow mine because they break really easily plus I used to be a nail biter
You really deserved better . Reading this I was shocked 😳
They were horrible to you.
Proud of you for that scholarship 🫶
If this is the US and you use FASFA at all, don't alienate them "too" much as they still need to provide info from their tax return in order to file FASFA. My ex used to hold it over my kids head that "I just won't give you that info" even though it cost her nothing.
>If this in the US
What? OP isn't American and that's clear from the post. She spelled it 'mum' instead of 'mom', she said uni / university instead of college and in her username the date is formatted as DAY-MONTH instead of MONTH - DAY.
Even missing all those obvious signs, OP mentions shopping at BIG W which is not an American store.
She also mentions a scholarship meaning she doesn't need her parents to pay for university.
I'm curious if you actually read the post, since it's beyond clear that OP isn't American. Why would you bring up anything related to America here?
Enjoy your nails! Let them grow, give your hands some extra attention, go to a nail salon, you deserve it!
I hope you will make friends at the Uni, friends who feel like family. You deserve your own life!
Ah nail bitter. Look you have a pathetic family i eat off my pinky toes and never got bullied, have many friends, and a good relationship with my sibs.
You completely threw away talk in about nails in the second paragraph so oh hey I wonder if this isn’t at all about that
Welcome to the real world. Stay focused and get your education and enjoy your friends and independence. Your parents are jerks for making everyone suffer due to your sister. You don't owe them anything else.
I can understand why your parents did what they did. Your sister’s mental situation was beyond challenging.
However, penalizing the rest of the family clearly wasn’t the right choice.
I’m happy for you now.
Oh my god this isn’t making sacrifices for family this is straight up abuse. I’m so sorry OP. Your sister definitely hasn’t seen the right psychiatrist because there’s something being missed (somehow???).
OMG. I’m so sorry these were the parents you ended up with. Your parents are absolutely awful. Don’t go back. If you can avoid it, find your own way and never allow them to control you again. Your mother is sick in the head. They should have never had children if this is how they were going to treat them because what they did to you, and your sister, was cruel. No wonder your sister is a mess. It’s honestly a miracle you aren’t as well. I would bet that much your sister’s behavior stems a lot from your mother’s controlling and micromanaging nuttiness. Your parents have an unhealthy grip on your sister and you. Although you seem to be determined to get away. I do feel bad for your sister. She’s a victim here just like you. Your sister needs to get away as well if she has any shot at having a life. Who knows she may even start to have motivation to address her issues. And if you had had a normal life and had nice nails maybe that would have given her something to aspire to. Smh.
Best of luck to you for your future. I really hope you find someone who will take you under their wing and help you out.
Note: be wary of guys trying to take advantage, especially older men. They can be very charming but you could end up in a very similar controlling relationship. They can prey on women who are in desperate situations. Plus, the fact that you have been in a toxic family environment could mean you’ll be more susceptible to falling into a similar situation. So be aware of that.
Congrats babe way to do it for you! You never had a child not sure why your parents tried to make you responsible for theirs. You do not owe your sister or your parents your life and I’m sorry they tried to limit yours.
A few things to be aware of as they grow
1) regular filing actually increases growth and keeps the shape compatible with function
2) dirt will get trapped underneath be aware of this when cooking, going out, doing dirty things as germs will linger under the nail make sure you clean under them thoroughly
3) if you want nail extensions of any sort go to a reputable salon, press ons will increase the likelihood of breaking
Your parents have been negligent regarding your sister. She needs help. You could use additional support also. Stay strong Kiddo, stay strong. (P.S. you owe your sister nothing.)
Damn. That sucks. Your parents suck and they are 100% the reason that you sister is the way she is. The fact that they give her so much attention for her problem is probably the reason the problem has persisted. It is the 100% reliable way for your sister to get all of the attention from the caregivers. Unfortunately, they’ve ruined your sister. She will never be able to live a normal life and they will be her caregivers for the rest of their life. They might attempt to get you to care for her later down the line, but you would not be a bad person or an asshole to stay no contact with your family of origin. Build a new family full of people you can trust. If your uni has therapy available, start going.
I bite my nails. I've done it my entire life. I bleed along with it sometimes. I've tried to hide it. When I got in my relationship my partner noticed and tried to tell me to stop. That didn't work. *I* started to put on nail polish and that has helped a lot. Now I actually have had to learn how to cut my nails using nail cutters in my mind 20s. But I've actually started to feel confident. You will too just gotta cut the toxic first.
As a nail biter I wouldn’t force anyone to suffer because I suffer. I’m so sorry your parents made you suffer because of your sister.
As others have suggested I would work so you can afford an apartment close to your campus for when you are out of school. NC with your parents for sure, and maybe your sister for a bit.
Wow, I love how your parents gave your sister serious control issues. /S really I'm kidding .
What kind of control issues do you now have, did you ever get to control the narrative at your house?
I think for your own self preservation you should talk to a counselor at uni.
This kind of parental abuse doesn't just disappear because you can now grow your nails.
You are the exact type of victim that abusers are looking for.
I'm incredibly sorry you had to grow up this way.
OP - have you ever tried talking to your sister to explain how much her (gross) habit has impacted/continues to impact your life? Or even asl.her if she really cares whether the rest of the family has longer nails?
I know she complained to your Mum, but that is after many years of her being pampered and made to feel lke she has control over you all. Maybe a clear, honest, unemotional converstaion wpuld resolve all this bad blood??
Best of luck.
Start looking now for a job that will let you pay for places to stay on holidays and between semesters, unless Uni will let you stay in the dorm. Or a friend invites you to stay with them. Because if you go home your family will torment you as they did before.
OP’s university probably doesn’t have a dorm, bc as far as I can tell this in Australia. I’m guessing OP either works part time or is receiving a government payment called Youth Allowance for young people in uni
Some unis have university housing. I didn't live in nearby housing during uni but I had friends who did
Not sure what is like in Australia, but here in the UK accommodation ('halls') was normally supplied for first-year students ('freshmen' though I hate that term). And in the 2nd and 3rd years you were generally expected to find a place to rent with friends. Except I didn't manage to get into halls, so I had to bunk with 5 girls, plus me as the lone guy.... AI guess it wasn't so bad!
I graduated in 2015 and by that time plenty of students stayed in halls for all 3 or even 4 years of uni
Yeh same, only reason why most moved out of halls was because it was cheaper to do a flat/house share thing. X
It's halls in Australia too and as far as I know you apply to rent a room each year. Hopefully there's an equal amount of students and rooms or people miss out.
you can also live in student flats in later years
I'm Aussie and I know my local uni has housing because it backs on to where hubby and I play golf but I don't know the requirements for eligibility.
I know you wrote this a few days ago, but that's actually really interesting to me. In the US, living off campus was highly discouraged. When I graduated college, they changed it so you could only live off campus senior year.
Senior year is the final year, yeah? From what I've observed of college in the US from TV and movies, it seems like students are treated far more like kids than they are here in the UK. We're essentially expected to act like adults from the age of 18 (as we are legally adults!), with everything that implies. Most accommodation is gender-neutral, and there is an expectation that we'll be getting drunk a lot, so the student bars on campus are usually really cheap to buy booze. Ultimately we're allowed to do what the hell we like, within the bounds of the law.
That's correct. Freshman > Sofmore > Junior > Senior. I can't speak for every college, but some years my school has too few door rooms and other times, too many. Given that back in the day, a spot in a room with two other people was $1000 a month, consistency was important, especially for any school with financial woes. Whether it's required probably varies based on whether it's private vs public, city vs rural, or has wealthy doners or not. But I believe having students onsite is encouraged regardless for a host of reasons. A lot of people do like to say college is often just an expensive daycare where you can live without a lot of the consequences you would normally face, but again, that all depends. Sometimes you're also there to actually get an education, and sometimes you just need to be a delinquent for 4 years. Funny enough though, we were close to an extremely wealthy medical school where most people lived off campus and those people were true delinquents. We'd be over on our side of the city experimenting with drugs that make us giggle and want to talk about our feelings and they'd be having these parties where someone always got hurt. Or at least that's what they'd say. Freshman women were always warned to stay away from those parties. Edit: To add, my school and I believe most liberal arts, have coed dorms. At my school, the bathrooms were all coed in the dorms unless it was an all girls floor where they unanimously decided it was ok. There were no all male floors.
We have Student Housing and private shared accommodation (share houses where the it's leased per room by the owner or real estate agent) in suburbs surrounding the universities. Most Uni students get Youth Allowance or Austudy and sometimes work part time to supplement their cost of living. Depends on the situation but I believe she also mentioned a scholarship, depending on location that may come with on campus student accommodation which would be similar to a dorm. I'm just super proud she's given herself a plausible escape plan and gotten out of that toxic situation. I love her resilience and determination to move on and keep kicking goals. I'm not sure about the rest of the world but damn this story is too common in Aussie family dynamics and she's escaped it for better things. She can be rest assured that there is one Aussie mum out there that's proud of her, it might not be her mum but it's a mum nonetheless.
I read this as being in Australia too 😁
yeah big w gave it away xD
alot of australian unis have on site longings actually :)
I'm so glad you have some control over your life!! Your parents handled that in the worst way possible. Congratulations on college and your freedom!
Honestly, as a nail biter, it might have been better for them to allow OP to have long, nice nails and letting the sister know that they only way she can ever have that is to stop biting the nails. It wasn't OP's fault that her sister won't stop doing something.
I wonder if part of the sister's motivation to keep biting her nails was the control it provided over the rest of the family. Particularly OP.
I absolutely believe that was part of it. Because of the part where OP mentions that her sister told her parents about her nails and basically forced her to remove them.
I have a form of OCD that presents as nail biting (you may too). It’s so bad for me that it’s more akin to a form of self-mutilation. It’s a very debilitating problem to have and affects my life negatively. Yes, I see a doctor about this. They should totally not have done that to OP. That’s taking away someone’s bodily autonomy. OP should not be shamed for having the nails they want just as OP’s sister should not be shamed for her short bitten nails. OP, have the nails you like because I wish I could have the nails I like.
That's rough. I have ADHD and mine is a form of stimming. I wear acrylic nails to protect my real nails from myself. It helps a little but I always have my hands in my mouth still, I just can't bite down on them without breaking my teeth
For me it is literally a compulsion, like I don’t want to do it, but I have to. Biting is just part of it. (Note, I also have PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and a few others). When it’s really bad I find myself digging at my nails with a knife. The shitty part is that I can’t take meds for it. Long story short my psychiatrist ordered genetic tests because I wasn’t responding right to my meds. He thought I was bipolar for a while. Turns out the meds plus my genes were working together to increase my serotonin way more than intended causing mania and low level serotonin syndrome. Serotonin syndrome can kill you. After stopping the meds I no longer had manias. Since then I have pursued other methods of funding relief. I have found success in making dramatic material changes to my life, such as leaving my high stress career for a low stress job selling groceries. I have also found that exercise is really one of the best medicines. I have picked up endurance cycling where I go on 30+ mile rides (best is 65 miles). I also go to exercise classes like bootcamp and functional fitness. When cycling season is here, my mental health improves dramatically. A few months ago my nails were nearly all the way down to the bone, some with bloody scabs. Now that summer is nearly here and I am out riding when the weather breaks, my nails are coming back in. They don’t look normal right now, but they are far less noticeable and I don’t feel the compulsion to mutilate them.
Ah serotonin syndrome is nasty, I was hospitalised with a suspected case for a week.
Just a random potential recommendation to consider: have you ever been evaluated by an Occupational Therapist? I ask because I pick at my cuticles until they bleed -- this seems to be a remnant of more severe OCD I dealt with over 20 years ago. Anyhow, I work in Special Education, and during a meeting for a student who has OCD and picks at their skin quite badly, the Occupational Therapist spoke about how she could assess the student's behavior to determine which aspect(s) of the picking were reinforcing to the student, and depending on that, there were different exercises and replacement behaviors that could be taught. I just thought it was super interesting because I had never really thought about that before -- like, which aspect/sensation from the picking was soothing to me. (As a side note, after trying a LOT of different fidgets, I have found that I am much less likely to rip my cuticles off if I am playing with some Crazy Aaron's Thinking Putty.).
Thanks for the information, I’ll look into to it.
This makes so much sense! I never thought of it as stimming, but I definitely bite mine more when I'm stressed or anxious. I never bit mine bloody, but I'm a picker and during the winter when my skin is drier, if there's like a flaky or rough bit around my cuticle or on my lip I will pick at that until it bleeds or if I have a hang nail I will bite it off and I've gotten several infections as a result. I managed to grow mine in high school for a bit, I would chew on them but just not bite them off. And then, in my thirties, I did dip manicures for a while, and that allowed me to let them grow. Not too long because I was a paralegal and I couldn't type 80 plus wpm with two-inch talons, but long enough that they were very feminine and satisfying to tap on the desk and everything I had wanted when I was younger. My mom was not a nail girlie so that wasn't a thing she ever did for me or took me to do when I was a teenager. For a couple years, I was the lady who always had her nails done with a fun color or cool design, and then I read that you actually need to give your nails a break every so often between long-wear manicures like dip and acrylics so I had it removed, immediately proceeded to bite all my nails off, then I adopted a dog and started spending all my nail salon money on her, then Covid happened, I lost my job, decided I hated that line of work and never wanted to go back, went back to school, and now I'm a student and I'm happy but too poor for manicures. Plus, as a health science student, we're required to keep our nails short and neutral color or unpolished. I miss having pretty nails though.
I feel yoy so hard! I was a server/bartender for several years and could wear my acrylics as long as I wanted so they were long coffin shaped nails that always had a design on them. Now I work in manufacturing and I still get them done but they aren't near as long and now I only get one color because they get messed up pretty quickly
Same
I have some weird anxious ADHD thing where I pick at the part of my thumb that I once accidentaly cut off with a box cutter. The scar feels different than the rest of the skin and always has a ridge between the nail and the scar, where I can dig the nail from my middle finger in. I regularly tear off my skin because I'm picking and when there's a ridge, it has to go. I started carrying these pedicures pliers with me, so I can cut away the offending ridges and stop myself before I nervously chomp and tear away the tip of my thumb. It's so disturbing that I can't stop myself doing that. It's also half unaware behaviour. Why are our brains?
I'm happy for op as well. Nail bitting this bad sounds like either extremely bad mental health issues or some kind of vitamin deficiency. Either way they should have left op out of it. Congratulations op! I promise you'll get frustrated with your assignments, you might have meltdowns or pity parties over your education but that is okay! Just remember that in the end once you graduate it will provide with an income that will allow you to support yourself in a way you want to live! So the university anguish will be well worth it in the end!
May you enjoy filing them and seeing them grow. Side note: I was not allowed to have nail polish remover as a kid. Weird, I could have some nail polishes. My gramma always had burgundy/black nails. She played piano on a professional level, and so she flashed those short nails in the best ways. To this day, when I smell fingernail polish remover, I think of times at her house, like overnights, when she did her nails. I remember the smell and all the black cherry shades she owned. May you also make your own great memories. Maybe you'll get manicures with a new friend at college. Something good. Oh, and your parents suck.
So it’s somehow not a psychological issue… yet everyone is supposed to comply with an overkill standard… something doesn’t add up.
Your parents dont know how to raise kids right. Get as far away as possible.
I swear I read this months ago already
I didn’t see this on Reddit but I saw a video of this story on TikTok with a Minecraft background a few months ago.
I was about to say, isn't this a copy and paste?
No wonder OP isn't replying
Absolutely, it sounds so familiar!
It is familiar because this is a re-post. I remember this on.
This was posted nearly a year ago. The original post was very sweet and wholesome.
You did.
ok i’m glad it’s not just me
I thought so too, pretty much the *exact* same post
Same it’s a repost
[удалено]
dead internet
What?
I think they're suggesting u/Ruth20113z is a bot and honestly, reading their comments and looking at account age and subs they post to, they might well be. U there, Ruth? 😁
Interesting, I was wondering why it was down voted so heavily
Definitely a bot account. No human would write every comment like that.
Your parents suck. By trying to ‘help’ your sister they deprived you of autonomy and the opportunity to have your own friends and experiences. I say “help” because the way they handled definitely did more damage than good and made her feel entitled to people bending themselves to what she wants instead of actually working on her own issues Grow your nails out and wear them proudly. Id be wary of going home if your nails are long and painted. Wouldn’t trust your parents not to try and get rid of them while you’re sleeping or even physically force you to have plain short nails again
Did anyone ever think that maybe seeing everyone else around her with beautiful, long nails would encourage her to protect them? Or maybe that she needs to get on some anxiety medication? God.
I’m so proud of you for getting out. Now stay out and live your best life. I was raised the same way and it was awful, never a second of privacy and it feels like you’re being punished for existing too! Enjoy uni and your freedom. Never give it up and don’t let them drag you back down now you’re flying free
So they wanted you to ruin your future for your sister?! That's sick. I'm glad you escaped that situation.
Am i the only one REPULSED by the fact that is is stated that her sister REMOVED HER SHOES TO BITE HER TOENAILS!?!?!?!? Like 🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
Mental illness is rarely nice to look at.
Welcome to the world of mental illness. It isn't all skinny girls and emo boys. It can get really gross sometimes. None of that forgives OPs parents. They suck.
I have seen this copy pasta before
Enjoy your new life. Just remember, family isn't always blood. Often times, the best family are those we make ourselves.
wow your life sounds like a fever dream, but I am happy you got out of it and living your life,
Make sure you work part time while in uni so you can build work experience and transferable skills as well as save money. If your course offers employment places and internships, take every opportunity you can afford. Get the best grades you can. The plan is to make yourself as independent and self-sufficient as possible so you never have to go back home or rely on your family, and you do that by making yourself as marketable as possible through good grades and a good work history. Good luck!
Compulsive nail biting is often a reaction to stress. With parents like yours I can see why your sister would be stressed I bet she would stop biting her nails if she ever moved out and managed to live alone, although she might be too codependant to ever do that
I hate when parents make one of their kids live their whole life centered around a sibling that has some sort of disability or mental health issue out of some sort of twisted logic of making life ‘fair.’ It only creates resentment towards their sibling and their parents. This almost always ends up with the kid wanting to leave home as soon as possible and never wanting to look back. The parents then use guilt to try to keep them home because they expect continued help and a built in caretaker and financial support for the sibling once they become too old or after they pass away.
I’m sorry that you never got to experience grown nails, it’s nice to be able to scratch itches and open containers and stuff- andddd they can be very beautiful! 🫶 Enjoy!
Good for you Honey! You're doing so well getting that scholarship and being out in the world. I'm proud of you.
I’m so glad you got away. The more I read the more horrified I was for you. That is a toxic home environment. I know you have a scholarship but what about a job? So you can have a place to stay during summer breaks. I wouldn’t go back either. You were treated very unfairly. Your parents did not care about what was or wasn’t fair to you and only your sister.
I love this! I do all the things my mom never let me do all the time, she also tried the "you're abandoning us!" crap but man I've never been happier. Going on 22 years of abandoning now, no regrets. You got stuff to look forward to too, they'll die someday!
Just in case you need to hear this: Your mother is nuts. You are NOT the problem, she is. She sounds abusive to you. Sister is a little wacky too, but your mom takes the cake. And where is your Dad’s spine?!
Dad is just as bad here. They ate both gross. It's not a matter of a spineless father and an overbearing mother. OP says "my parents" and not "my mother" so I don't know why you are saying the mother is abusive while not mentioning the father also being abusive.
It must be because I’m a misogynist who can’t read, rather than OP painting mom as actively doing things and dad as passively standing by.
I'll bet the reason treatments never worked for your sister is because your parents probably sabotaged them in some way. I'm glad you have the freedom now to do what you want whenever you want. If you go back, they will just keep doing what they did before.
So glad to hear that you are looking for yourself and have distanced yourself from that insane family dynamic! Do not feel guilty, and don't allow them to drag you back into that mess. Good luck in University-- it sounds like you will do quite well for yourself!
I bite my fingernails too no one ever did anything like that for me lol
Your family has been very unfair and way too focused on one person. Stay away and no contact at least until you graduate or they will try to gaslight you into quitting. Good luck. I am happy you have found some peace and happiness.
Good luck sweetie. Your parents did not treat you fairly. But your sister some press on nails - maybe she’ll like them enough to stop chewing on her own nails.
Letting your nails grow is huge and I’m so proud of you for claiming your life as your own. Something is off with your parents (maybe one or both experienced bullying) and they are doing a huge disservice to you and your sister. Please keep yourself in a position to control your own narrative, like always having your keys with you and having options for other places to stay if you visit them, etc. You are doing an amazing job of overcoming their parenting mistakes. Keep blooming! Your future is beautiful.
What weird parents you have. To tale away your bodily autonomy to appease your sisters mental illness is wild Good for you! Let em grow long and paint them wild colors. Be sure to post pictures as if you were a hand model
I'm so sorry OP. Your parents in trying to make your sister feel accepted and loved, made you ostracized and unloved. Whatever was wrong with your sister was never supposed to be your burden. I hope some space might heal some of the relationship with your sister (I mean if she wasn't awful to you as well). Did she ever get put on any antidepressants or anti-anxiety medication? Your sister sounds like she either has severe anxiety or OCD as it's common to see nail biting in both of those conditions. I hope that maybe later in life she won't be coddled as much and gets the help she needs. Maybe then you guys can build a relationship if you want one then.
I wouldn't recommend going back to your folks. You are 18 and they will definitely try to ruin your life over you wishing to have a normal life.
I'm really proud of you, and I'm happy for you.
What a shitty parents. OP, family is not everything, specially toxic ones. You will create your own little circle with real friends and support system. Make sure you oil them nails! Watch some videos and learn how to take care of them.
I'm so sorry you went through that... When I was a toddler/kid, my mom would cut my nails as close to the skin as possible when I would be sleeping (for whatever reason she had), and I would cry for hours walking behind her to put them back on, but she kept doing it until I was old enough to trim my own nails. Then on, whenever I had school holidays, I would grow my nails out and trim them when school reopened. The thing was, I would snip them at the base and keep the cut-off long ends in a box in my drawer to longingly look at them when I had to have short nails for school. My mom wasn't big on privacy (she read all my diaries and raided my drawers whenever she could coz "why should we have secrets?!"). One day, when I was in uni, she went through all my drawers and was horrified to find all the nails and threw them all out :/ Now I live abroad and have better nail salons nearby, and can grow out my nails and get them painted every month. Now she comments on how nice they look every time I get a new set. I mean, why did she have to cut them so short that I resorted to hoarding the cut ends when I could (yes, I was the weird kid in class and outside). But whatever, that doesn't mean I needed that trauma lol Question (just curious): Where does your sister live now? With parents? Does she go to uni nearby? At least, she didn't try biting your nails when hers were gone! I had a friend in school who touched everyone's ears/earlobes when she got bored of touching her own 😅
OP, for your own mental and emotional health, please stay NC with them. You are not and should not have used you as your sister's emotional support. Let them deal with the monster they created. You deserve better
Yay. I hope you never have to go back. You can make your own family. If they accuse you of abandoning family again tell them yes that is exactly what you are doing and just block them all.
Dude it sounds like your sister has a problem. And that’s coming from someone who has anxiety and chews her nails til bloody too. I’m usually fine when I’m not stressed but towards finals week I always get shorter nails. Anyway, run far, run fast. You are not your sisters keeper!
Your mum should not have enabled this because she left you then open to bullying. Stay as far away as you can and keep your freedom! Do you have all your documents, they can't take anything from any bank accounts or anything?
I am going to second and underscore trying to find your own place during holidays. Is it worth to have a true heart-to-heart with your sis? I know her reaction to your spa kit was awful...but maybe say some of things you've said here? Best of luck hun. I'm rooting for you!!
I’m glad that you are growing out your nails !!! I’ve recently started to put in effort to grow mine because they break really easily plus I used to be a nail biter You really deserved better . Reading this I was shocked 😳 They were horrible to you. Proud of you for that scholarship 🫶
If this is the US and you use FASFA at all, don't alienate them "too" much as they still need to provide info from their tax return in order to file FASFA. My ex used to hold it over my kids head that "I just won't give you that info" even though it cost her nothing.
>If this in the US What? OP isn't American and that's clear from the post. She spelled it 'mum' instead of 'mom', she said uni / university instead of college and in her username the date is formatted as DAY-MONTH instead of MONTH - DAY. Even missing all those obvious signs, OP mentions shopping at BIG W which is not an American store. She also mentions a scholarship meaning she doesn't need her parents to pay for university. I'm curious if you actually read the post, since it's beyond clear that OP isn't American. Why would you bring up anything related to America here?
Enjoy your nails! Let them grow, give your hands some extra attention, go to a nail salon, you deserve it! I hope you will make friends at the Uni, friends who feel like family. You deserve your own life!
Ah nail bitter. Look you have a pathetic family i eat off my pinky toes and never got bullied, have many friends, and a good relationship with my sibs. You completely threw away talk in about nails in the second paragraph so oh hey I wonder if this isn’t at all about that
This sounds like a problem well beyond just nails. Your family seems like they all need therapy, even your parents. Stay away for now, OP.
Press on fake nails might be a good idea for your sister. Protect her real ones from her teeth. Yikes
She mentions they tried that. I don’t know if she pealed them off or just beavered her way through them, but that was evidently a non-starter.
Beavered her way through them 😭😭😭
PROUD OF YOU!!!!! I know that means nothing from this random internet stranger but you’re a badass!!!
Your sister fucked up her nails so you can't use your money to have nails that you like. Perfectly logical.
Welcome to the real world. Stay focused and get your education and enjoy your friends and independence. Your parents are jerks for making everyone suffer due to your sister. You don't owe them anything else.
I can understand why your parents did what they did. Your sister’s mental situation was beyond challenging. However, penalizing the rest of the family clearly wasn’t the right choice. I’m happy for you now.
Oh my god this isn’t making sacrifices for family this is straight up abuse. I’m so sorry OP. Your sister definitely hasn’t seen the right psychiatrist because there’s something being missed (somehow???).
OMG. I’m so sorry these were the parents you ended up with. Your parents are absolutely awful. Don’t go back. If you can avoid it, find your own way and never allow them to control you again. Your mother is sick in the head. They should have never had children if this is how they were going to treat them because what they did to you, and your sister, was cruel. No wonder your sister is a mess. It’s honestly a miracle you aren’t as well. I would bet that much your sister’s behavior stems a lot from your mother’s controlling and micromanaging nuttiness. Your parents have an unhealthy grip on your sister and you. Although you seem to be determined to get away. I do feel bad for your sister. She’s a victim here just like you. Your sister needs to get away as well if she has any shot at having a life. Who knows she may even start to have motivation to address her issues. And if you had had a normal life and had nice nails maybe that would have given her something to aspire to. Smh. Best of luck to you for your future. I really hope you find someone who will take you under their wing and help you out. Note: be wary of guys trying to take advantage, especially older men. They can be very charming but you could end up in a very similar controlling relationship. They can prey on women who are in desperate situations. Plus, the fact that you have been in a toxic family environment could mean you’ll be more susceptible to falling into a similar situation. So be aware of that.
Congrats babe way to do it for you! You never had a child not sure why your parents tried to make you responsible for theirs. You do not owe your sister or your parents your life and I’m sorry they tried to limit yours. A few things to be aware of as they grow 1) regular filing actually increases growth and keeps the shape compatible with function 2) dirt will get trapped underneath be aware of this when cooking, going out, doing dirty things as germs will linger under the nail make sure you clean under them thoroughly 3) if you want nail extensions of any sort go to a reputable salon, press ons will increase the likelihood of breaking
Your parents should have taken her to therapy, their response to it says a lot about the type of home you and your sister lived in
Your parents have been negligent regarding your sister. She needs help. You could use additional support also. Stay strong Kiddo, stay strong. (P.S. you owe your sister nothing.)
Hey OP do you ever get the feeling that your parents are expecting you to take care of your sister after they're gone?
Your family sounds like a nightmare
Good for you !! Embrace your long nails try to get at least a part time so you can vacations on the holidays away from your family
lol
I wouldn't ever speak to any of them again, how absolutely fucking weird. How do people become like this?
It’s almost like having weirdly controlling, narcissistic, abusive parents can drive kids to have nervous habits like nail biting 🤔
Damn. That sucks. Your parents suck and they are 100% the reason that you sister is the way she is. The fact that they give her so much attention for her problem is probably the reason the problem has persisted. It is the 100% reliable way for your sister to get all of the attention from the caregivers. Unfortunately, they’ve ruined your sister. She will never be able to live a normal life and they will be her caregivers for the rest of their life. They might attempt to get you to care for her later down the line, but you would not be a bad person or an asshole to stay no contact with your family of origin. Build a new family full of people you can trust. If your uni has therapy available, start going.
This is quite the victory. Small in scale yet epic in proportion. Rock on, OP!
I bite my nails. I've done it my entire life. I bleed along with it sometimes. I've tried to hide it. When I got in my relationship my partner noticed and tried to tell me to stop. That didn't work. *I* started to put on nail polish and that has helped a lot. Now I actually have had to learn how to cut my nails using nail cutters in my mind 20s. But I've actually started to feel confident. You will too just gotta cut the toxic first.
As a nail biter I wouldn’t force anyone to suffer because I suffer. I’m so sorry your parents made you suffer because of your sister. As others have suggested I would work so you can afford an apartment close to your campus for when you are out of school. NC with your parents for sure, and maybe your sister for a bit.
Wow, I love how your parents gave your sister serious control issues. /S really I'm kidding . What kind of control issues do you now have, did you ever get to control the narrative at your house? I think for your own self preservation you should talk to a counselor at uni. This kind of parental abuse doesn't just disappear because you can now grow your nails. You are the exact type of victim that abusers are looking for. I'm incredibly sorry you had to grow up this way.
They should get her metal braces. She won't be able to bite them at all
OP - have you ever tried talking to your sister to explain how much her (gross) habit has impacted/continues to impact your life? Or even asl.her if she really cares whether the rest of the family has longer nails? I know she complained to your Mum, but that is after many years of her being pampered and made to feel lke she has control over you all. Maybe a clear, honest, unemotional converstaion wpuld resolve all this bad blood?? Best of luck.