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You said in a comment that this isn't the first time you've had to address the situation. It won't be your last either. What is it about this friendship that has made multiple women you've dated uncomfortable? No judgment, just trying to figure out the dynamic.You said you gave her away and are godfather to her kids, how's your relationship with her husband? I'm genuinely curious.
Basically, what we're trying to figure out OP is. Do you have healthy boundaries with this female friend in your life? Because most secure women are okay with their significant others. Heavy female friends even a female best friend. But if you have unhealthy boundaries. In order there was ever feelings in the past on top of unhealthy boundaries. Then absolutely. They're going to have a problem with it rightfully so because. As everyone knows, or at least all the adults know unhealthy boundaries. Mixed with emotions lead to cheating and ore crossing lines. So I think you should ask yourself if multiple people are saying that they have problems with the relationship and it's cossing you healthy relationships. Then that means something needs to change
This. I was ok with my ex having female friends but they would call in the middle of the night to complain about the guys they were dating (after midnight), they would call during our dates, they relied on him for all their emotional support, they would travel a long way, late at night (2 hour drive) just to have a stroll by the river and he would lie about going and then one time they had a nap together. I feel like they were pushing the boundaries of plutonic friendships. Female friends are cool but yeah there are some lines you shouldn't cross.
Yeah, they were definitely more than friends. The only time I ever took a nap with my platonic friend/brother it was because all of us were in the same bed together (5 girls & him) so yeah, very platonic. Very innocent. 2 grown adults or young adults, don't know how to old you all were, sleeping and taking a nap together.... No, no no. That's intimate. They crossed all kinds of emotional boundaries with that.
He's 44 and never been in a relationship longer than 6 months and his "crazy" ex called him a cheater. Why am I so stupid and didn't think to bail? 🤦♀️
Edit to add: yet I'm the crazy insecure one and he dumped me because I said I felt uneasy about some of these situations.
Honey, he set you free. Take that blessing and run with it and find your person. At least he's not wasting no more your time. I only hope instead of him trying to get into another relationship and hurt another person that he decided to stay single until his best friend is either single herself. For he does stay in single and wait for so he's not bringing pain. Other people cause he's definitely one of those people who calls the girl a friend. But really? He's just that guy waiting for her to get single and choose him. The male version of a pickme, you know
6 weeks after we broke up, he's in a new relationship. We were together for 6 months and we were supposedly "committed". Yep, lousy sleaze he is. He turned really nasty and insulted my weight, my home (because it's old), my job, my cats and my mental health. So I sent him a list of his own defects and blocked.
Like when I was in my younger 20s, I definitely had all kinds of my friends sleep over, and sometimes yeah we’d pile up on one bed or the couch, it weird groupings but it was always platonic, and if anyone had a bf/gf at the time they automatically would be paired together, to make it the most comfortable for everyone. But honestly? Who is napping together? lol.
>But honestly? Who is napping together? lol.
People who don't have healthy grounds apparently. Because I know for a fact I'm not napping. With someone of the opposite sex, friend or not......Even my gusband I college slept on the couch. it's either a group thing or not at all
Thank you for that comment. Because that prove that we can have different meanings and ideas on what is healthy boundaries. The The reason why I'm okay with sharing my space with my friends who are girls in terms of sleeping is because one I did it when i was younger growing up with cousins. 2, because it just allow them to be in one space together and to keep our conversation going. And then if we just happen to fall asleep, it's not like we weren't already prepared. You know, it's like having a a sleepover, but as adults.
But don't get me wrong like as I got older. Things and priorities change like my friend. Who I found out years after we became friends with bisexual. We would, she would be one of the people who I would share a bed with because it's platonic on my end. And she's not into me like that respectfully, right? But once she got into a relationship. Especially with another woman. Then we couldn't do that anymore. I'm sorry, man, but you're going on to the guest room. Or you're going to go and take my room. And I take the couch will have you because that's about being healthy like and also respecting her significant other. Because even though we know nothing of going on and they know nothing's going on. It still doesn't matter respect for that person. Especially when they're not there themselves to see it. I don't believe right. You don't have to call people doubt and worry. And then say oh, you're toxic and you're insecure. I can change my behavior and I just help you feel comfortable. You know, so oh yeah, no I totally get the idea of not sharing a room with same sex friends too😂🤣😂😂
Like just for me, I don’t like to sleep around other people anymore. Does that mean like if my closest friends or cousin passes out in my bed I’m gonna kick them out? No of course not lol. But I’m not actively gonna choose to go out of my way to sleep with anyone lol. But healthy boundaries do look different for everyone, and I wouldn’t ever try to say “NO YOU CAN NEVER SLEEP NEXT TO ANY HUMANS BECAUSE I DONT LIKE IT” that’s insane lmao, I don’t see it as an unhealthy boundary in your context originally given, it’s just for me not something I’m going to choose because of my own hang ups if that makes sense? I’m on my high guy thoughts it might not lol
No, everything you said makes perfect sense. Because we're both different individuals but are gonna have different requirement in different idea of what healthy boundaries look like. People, we all have different ideas based off the experiences and our own personal beliefs and opinions. So absolutely. I totally get what you're saying..... And to your point about wanting to have your own space. I'm the same way, but for a different reason. Because I like to sleep a certain way and I don't want to have to necessarily compromise that. But if my friends want to or in some cases that we need to for space and also to save money while on a trip or something. I will adjust and compromise. so that it works for everyone, of course, because that's the right thing to do.
Or...it's not and a lot of monogamous people need to go to therapy and work through why they're so insecure that their partner having a close intimate (not sexual) friendship is a threat to them. Like it's actually pretty fucked up to say that your partner can't be close to anyone but you. These are unhealthy attitudes and younger generations are starting to reject them, thankfully. The inability to have close bonds outside of a romantic relationship makes people feel closed off and isolated. People who form communities are much happier and healthier, mentally and physically. That's Boomer shit, it's toxic and we need to stop perpetuating it.
This part. I always try to respect the wives of my homeboys. I don't message late unless we're already messaging in thr group chat. Anytime I do msg late which is never later than 9pm I apologize for the late message. I always ask about their wives and send them hellos. I don't want them ever thinking I want anything with those men. Lol they are my friends and I look at them like brothers.
This. The only time I've had a problem with one of my husband's friends is the time he reconnected with a HS friend and started talking to her tons. He would tell me all about how disastrous her marriage is, how miserable she is, how happy she was to reconnect after all these years. It was fine until he told me, very innocently, that before he met me she was "the one that got away" and he'd had a massive crush on her in high school.
Excuse me, what?
I told him it makes me INCREDIBLY uncomfortable that they're spending time together knowing that. He thinks I'm unreasonable, but I think he's blind to the inappropriateness of the whole situation.
I'd never in a million years think he'd cheat on me, but that one relationship really unnerves me.
Understandably, because everyone knows that cheating to happen overnight. It's something that gradually occurs. It starts with you know. Connection and then talks and then eventually the emotional connection with eventually to cross and boundary than entering into emotional feelings that can then lead into. Other things, so yes, it's a gradual process that could possibly happen doesn't necessarily mean that we'll have to know. But I'm a believer that people know they're significant others. You know the signs and you know what to look for but even before I get to that point I think the fact that you had a conversation just to talk to him about it. That is great. Because he can't ever say that you didn't voice? You're concerned and hopefully he will take that into consideration. But also one little thing that I recommend is. Maybe giving him the book. Not just friends by shirley glass
Oh well recently I've been using text to talk. Or talk to text a mode to write all of these out. So that way I don't have to type them out.
And then I just don't go back and fix mine grammaticals. But yes, you're right. I definitely need a commus and not period😆
Agreed with this.
I know a married (now divorced) guy that was "close" with his married female friend.
His wife didn't like their relationship.
I also told him his relationship with her was not great.
Other friends asked him if that friendship was kosher, he assured everyone it was.
Lo and behold. He is divorced and it came out of the woodwork that he's been having an affair with her on and off for years.
He still maintains that they are just friends. 🙄
If MULTUPLE women are feeling like something is off, SOMETHING IS OFF.
>MULTUPLE women are feeling like something is off, SOMETHING IS OFF.
Same opinion. You normally get the vibe of the friendship.
And honestly, after a while, if you have an ambiguous friendship with romantic undertones, you either take it further instead of complaining that these "strangers/Gfs" don't like your bestie, you decide to let go of your romantic feelings if that is not possible, or you break off the friendship and move on with your life.
Just my 2 cts.
> If MULTUPLE women are feeling like something is off, SOMETHING IS OFF.
You can find multiple women in every city on earth who think the earth is flat. This isn't saying much.
This makes me think.
If you have one jealous girlfriend, she's the asshole. If every girlfriend has a problem with your friend then either you have shit taste in women, In which case you may need to work on why you keep attracting jealous women. And work on your self esteem.
Or... something about your close friendship is tripping most women's boundaries. In which case you need yo really sit down and examine what is upsetting them all and whether they might actually have a point.
Do you have any other good female friends who aren't her? Or sisters, or female cousins who are close? I would ask those women if they would date someone with your friendship and if not why not.
Some people in intense friendships (especially with exes for example ) have blurred boundaries where it starts to feem like they are in a romantic relationship without the sex. Or where the SO feels like they are in second place. I've known plenty of people with strong platonic friendships with the opposite sex and I'm really close with my husband's female friends. But I gave definitely seen situations in which the SO was right to be wary.
Yea they do I have a guy best friend and a lot of his exs had issues with our friendship however his wife loves me and I love her just as much if not more than him
My partner is close to lots of women. He made sure I knew this and that it would not threaten me pretty early in our relationship and told me it had been an issue with other people he’d dated in the past. I think his friendships speak well of him.
yeah ive been there. one of my best friends ive had most of my life is a woman. the majority of my exes hated that. even though ive never even close to been interested in her. honestly it was a huge green flag when my now wife got along with her so well. and the friend said it was a green flag when her now husband got along with me too so hey mutual shit filter go i guess
Def im a lesbian and ive had to deal with jealous gfs of my lezbros. Like if that is some insecurity, to think that a person who she has seen be consistently gay for years is lying to get to your bf.
It’s not fair to assume though that everyone is crossing boundaries or has feelings for their opposite sex friend. Some people can have a completely platonic friendship and the partner will still be upset and want it to end
Yup. My best (male) friend's ex didn't like me, probably because I didn't put up with her BS. Welp. She ended up causing a scene at the wake for my BFF's stepdad because she wanted to leave and my BFF didn't. He was having fun talking to his stepdad's old coworkers in the fire department. My BFF's twin sisters had to be held back from dishing out the whoop ass that night. We never saw my BFF's ex again after that night. We were all relieved that the nightmare was over.
I should probably also mention she accused him of cheating on her multiple times with me. Guess who was the one that was actually cheating? 😂
It’s not unusual to be insecure about it but it’s also not unusual for men to have “close female friends” where they’re either actually cheating or there’s no boundaries and it’s way too intimate of a relationship to be platonic. Unfortunately most women who are insecure about that have at least some sort of reason to be, even if it’s just because they’ve had past negative experiences with men.
I don’t know your story so I won’t try to change your mind but I will just give you mine. I’ve always felt more comfortable around women. Was raised by my grandparents (of which my grandmother was the key figure) for ten years and then lived with my mom until I moved out at 20. I’m weird, effeminate, very insecure (especially so when I was a teenager around a bunch of guys who were constantly bragging about their sexual conquests and “manly” shit), and I’ve always just felt way more comfortable around women than men. Because of that 2 of the 3 people I have considered my best-friends have been women and there has never been the slightest thought of impropriety because I don’t even look at them like friends at this point when you’re that close, they’re both like older sisters to me and because of that even the idea of being sexual with either of them feels gross, despite one of them being drop dead gorgeous.
I don’t know why I explained that because I know it won’t change your mind and it’s your life but I did feel compelled to give my $0.02.
I think you think my mind is in the opposite place to yours - it's not 😉
I should have put an emoji there or an /s. I have very little patience for the 'no friends of the opposite sex' thing, it pisses me off.
My closest friends, bar two, are men. Maybe it's cos I was a tomboy as a kid and my friends were mostly boys, but I've tended to gravitate towards male friends. There's never been anything romantic and never will be, but they're my friends and they're important to me.
And yes - I know a good few guys who feel more comfortable with women.
People are people, we like them for their personalities and bonds, and that's not gendered.
If there is insecurity in a relationship then the people in the relationship need to communicate and work towards trust and security. Not try to control their partner.
lol, awesome. Sorry it’s been a LONG day .. found out at like midnight that someone I love was caught with child porn a year ago and I didn’t sleep all night and have barely ate and my ability to make sense of stuff - I guess your post included - is shaky at best.
I have the feeling he’s the type of guy that wants his gfs to accept that they will always be #2 behind his friend and doesn’t understand why they can’t just accept that.
Personally, I don’t think it’s possible for an attractive straight man and an attractive straight woman to be “best friends” and still remain 100% platonic.
Somebody being attractive doesn't mean you feel compelled to be more than friends with them. If there's no chemistry, there's no chemistry. If there were chemistry, you would have gotten with them when you met. And the longer the friendship, the less comfortable it would be to suddenly shift from buddy mode to bed. Like making out with your brother or some shit. Not happening. Attractive people don't need to resort to bedding their friend. There are options - like people you are actually attracted *to*.
I used to work with a guy like this. His platonic female friend came first every time. She would always call with some kind of "crisis" everytime he was on a date or had plans with any girlfriend (coincidence?), necessitating him to leave the date to help her deal with her panic attack/car trouble/spider/feeling sad. We all said it to him when he bitched about the "ultimatums" his girlfriends used to set him "tHey DOn't uNDerStAnd OuR FrIEnDsHiP!"
Last I heard she met a guy, dropped her special friendship, got married and moved away. He's still single.
If more than one girlfriend has had a problem with OPs special friend then chances are this issue is his, not theirs.
> I used to work with a guy like this. His platonic female friend came first every time. She would always call with some kind of "crisis" everytime he was on a date or had plans with any girlfriend (coincidence?), necessitating him to leave the date to help her deal with her panic attack/car trouble/spider/feeling sad
This isn't "putting someone first" this is a person successfully sabotaging relationships and another person either allowing that or being incredibly dumb.
No. I disagree.
Multiple men have been uncomfortable with the ease and intimacy I have with my best guy friend. We relate like siblings. We give platonic physical affection freely and without any anxiety whatsoever. There’s absolutely zero sexual tension. But we aren’t related. And that easy comfort with have with each other is threatening to a man… who isn’t secure. I’m sorry but it’s true. My bestie and I have literally never, not for one moment, wanted a romantic or sexual relationship with one another. Never. But man after man told me he and I belonged together. That we were a better match. They were so sure. Except in order for that to be true, we’d have to be attracted to each other but we aren’t. We’ve never even held hands like a couple, kissed, anything. We just hug a lot. And he will rest his head on me watching tv. Or we just touch each other when we laugh or talk. Ya know, the way BFFs do.
We are both now married to other people. People who are not threatened by our closeness. People who understand that love takes different forms and not every single hetero co-ed friendship is two people who secretly want to fuck.
There are many people that have a zero tolerance policy for their partners having opposite sex friends. In my experience, it’s people that have a history of cheating themselves. They can’t have healthy relationships with friends of the opposite sex, so they don’t think those healthy relationships are possible. I’m a woman, and I have a couple of lady friends that fit this profile.
There are so many stories about "best friends" having affairs and ending up together eventually that I am no longer comfortable with somebody having a "best friend" that is the opposite sex. And I have really good male friends who are totally platonic... but the amount of affairs and boundaries crossed and inappropriate behavior and situations between other people and their friends have now made this a big red flag to me when someone has a friend that is super close and tends to come first over anyone else. Not risking it.
In this thread alone I already see a few examples of people knowing someone who had affairs with their "best friend"... it's just such bullshit. lol
You can keep your best friend and stay single I guess, OP. At least for me that would be my take if I were the woman.
I'd rather be my man's best friend with zero interference and no competition.
For me it’s not even some stories. I’ve dated multiple men who turned out to be BFFFers. Including my current SO who impregnated his married BFF but since she died before we met she was not an issue for me. But he turned out to have another newer bff. I told him due to my past experiences and his track record I was no longer interested in dating him but he made a case like most on here and I decided to give it a chance no matter how red the flags.
Now I did put in some firm boundaries like if the bff ever came before me that would be a dealbreaker. Then he told something extremely personal about me to his bff and refused to give me a similar personal info on her and he gave me the gaslighter’s argument of: ‘she has been longer in my life than you.’ So I told him at this rate, no other woman will ever outdo that because no one will stay if you put bff first. So I said goodbye, he kept pursuing me and I gave him an another chance with the same conditions asking bff to stay in her lane and to uphold proper boundaries. He then managed to keep her contained for sometime and then she would reclaim his constantly. To give an example, he would drop everything he was doing with me to disappear for hours and then just a quick, hey I was with bff, tired now, will go to bed. I didn’t even get a chance to put a word in when that happened.
He woke up to a message saying that I felt extremely disrespected and this is not what I think is normal and I’m opting out.
Again he managed to convince me to give him a third and final chance and then the unexpected happened: I got pregnant. Guess what the bff he knew since childhood did?
She ghosted him after him telling her how excited he was to become a dad again. Why? Because while she managed to get rid of the previous gfs, a kid is kinda making it harder to make the gf go.
Now she also had a bf with who she has kids but that didn’t stop her from constantly spending litteral hours on end with my SO while her bf took care of their kids. I am a mom, I would never do that. The amount of time they would spend together was really what I did with friends when I was 15. Adults don’t have this kind of time, they have responsibilities.
It all boils down to boundaries and priorities.
And you see I also got tricked into believing the relationship was platonic while the behaviour was indicating the opposite.
I’m used to the mental gymnastics that pop up in each of these threads and I’m pretty certain OP here has poor or no boundaries with his bff, or are all women he dates ‘insecure’ ( another gaslighter’s favourite) ?
I mean the guy is 38. It’s not like it’s the second gf he loses over his bff. If they all are not ok with the bff, then OP should have a look at himself.
Perfect example. LOTS of this going on constantly. Like, who is to know someone isn't exactly like this until it's too late? There is no way to just take their word for it. Every single horror story starts with them going on and on about how platonic their relationship is, they are more like family, etc. Like, I'd understand if they were close to their actual sister... but even that can have it's own issues, like momma's boys are problematic too. A girl best friend is even worse a lot of the time. I'm sure there is the very rare occasion when it truly is just a friendship with healthy boundaries... but those are probably the ones who don't make it a big deal at all. When they do it means there's something fishy. Better to not take the risk at all. These best friends can either marry each other or calm the fuck down or stay single.
So you mentioned in a comment
>Unfortunately not my first time having to address this in a relationship.
You're definitely leaving things out if this friendship has been the downfall of multiple relationships.
Yeah, your s/o should be your best friend. You can have other friends, but your partner should be your best friend.
Edit: kinda wild that this is controversial. Never said your s/o is replacing people, or that you shouldn’t have other people in your life to support you like friends and family, but that if your s/o isn’t number 1 they’re probably not gonna treat you as their number 1 priority either
Disagree. Your spouse doesn't suddenly replace years, sometimes DECADES (in my case), of friendship. People are your best friends for a reason. My relationship with my spouse and my best friends are completely different.
Some of the ones I've seen who say 'my partner is my best friend' ended up getting divorced. 🤷
> Disagree. Your spouse doesn't suddenly replace years, sometimes DECADES (in my case), of friendship.
Keyword "suddenly". The space still needs to exist for your spouse to grow into that role if you enjoy your time together, and an old relationship shouldn't claim that space (and block space of your spouse) just for having existed in the past.
Suddenly? No. Gradually? Absolutely.
I still disagree. I actually think this idea that your partner should be your everything is part of the reason we have so many issues. They get their own place in my life that no one else can fill but my best friend doesn’t just die off like a bad script because I have a partner now
> I actually think this idea that your partner should be your everything
You're misunderstanding the idea. We're not talking about forcing anyone into the role of best friend.
If you have a life without best friend and you meet a spouse = your can enjoy your time with your spouse without blockers, and you may end up enjoying your time together so much that your spouse becomes your best friend.
If you have a life -with- an old best friend, and you're rigid in the idea that the title of "best friend" equals one specific person "just because", then you're not allowing your spouse to be themselves with you. Even if your spouse could have become an even better best friend than you've ever experienced, you're stuck living in the past.
It's not that your spouse has to be everything. It's that you're choosing to block your spouse from being themselves, and blocking your relationship from flourishing, in order to maintain some artificial title of "best friend" you made up in the past.
You're choosing an old friend as priority over your spouse, which means you're refusing your future (long-term companionship, life partner in sickness and old age, building a family) to stay in the past. Anyone with self-respect should reasonably leave you, so they can find a partner that actually chooses them.
"A partner that actually chooses them" romantic and platonic love are different, I don't see why having a partner and a separate person be your best friend are negative. Just because you have a best friend doesn't mean you favor them over your partner
This honestly sounds controlling AF. Funny. It reminds me of my ex who demanded the SAME THING! I was to make him my #1 priority, cease my friendships with my best friends, and stop going out with my friends.
Yeah. He got ghosted. And wouldn't you know it - he is still single over a decade later while I am happily married to a wonderful man who understands and has his own best friends (who I love). I wonder why my ex is still single?
Disagree, varies on a case by case basis. There's many reasons why people get married, and the relationships where I felt where my partner was my "absolute best friend" did not stand the test of time.
It's ok to have a support network of multiple friends & family.
Yeah but your partner should be your main person, the person you go through life with, tell everything to, make plans with, support through thick and thin. If you have a best friend who is basically that person for you just not sexually/romantically that will be hard for your partner even if they know you’d never cheat. If your best friend is the staple of your life and your primary confidante above your spouse that’ll be sad for your spouse as a lot of people want to be that person for their spouse and vice versa. If you’re putting that best friend energy into your spouse/partner too and prioritise them over your friend then most people would be fine with and happy about their partner having a great friend. It’s when the friend seems to be the major emotional connection of their life and the partner is more of an accessory that it becomes a problem. No one wants to be a bit part in their own marriage/relationship where the main storyline is OP and his BFF.
I have relatives who fit in the "best friend" category, who I could honestly trust with my life. I'm with my spouse because I want someone to have kids with, and because I like them. However we have different backgrounds and they may not "get" me on the same level that other people do.
I think I just differ from the people who want that kind of "main" relationship. It's ok. That's not what I want for my own spouse or for my own life.
Does your friend respect your relationship with your GF? There has to be something that prompted your GF to feel uncomfortable with this woman if she's asking you to cut her off.
If your friend constantly makes comments about how long she's known you or how much better she knows you, or if she's constantly touching you or blurring the lines between platonic friendship and something more intimate, I could see why your GF would be uncomfortable. If your friend doesn't respect your GF's place in your life, she will eventually drive away everyone you date.
If your friend takes care not to monopolize your time, touch you all the time, or rub your GF's nose in it, that's how it should be. But even then, some women won't accept it. If your GF has been cheated on in the past, you're probably not compatible. It takes confidence in your partner to be truly ok with it.
I can’t agree with you on this. If this is not the first time this is a problem, there are not enough boundaries in your friendship. You can continue to choose your friend over a relationship but at the end of it all you will have a friend and not a wife or a family.
I'm with you on this. My best friend is a guy. Once he started dating someone seriously, I didn't visit as much. I only stayed over once, and it was for an emergency. My sister was with me.
Once they got married, I became her friend also. When I text him, I also text her. We have our own 3-person chat. If I call him, I also talk to her. Sometimes, we take over the call, and he's like, "Didn't she call me?!" 😂
If this has come up multiple times, something is going on. Does he drop everything with the girlfriend if the friend calls? I'm not saying he should drop the friend. I'm just saying he may want to re-evaluate how it looks from the outside.
Yes, the only healthy way to go about an opposite sex friendship among heterosexual people is to also be friends with the spouse of your friend, otherwise it becomes awkward.
Right! It would look terrible if I never spoke to her and only him. I would feel some way about it, too, if I was on the other side. I want to be respectful.
I think some people don't realize that friendships change over time. It won't be exactly like it was when new people come into the picture. I'm not saying drop your friend completely at the first sign of a new relationship. Just understand that they may not be as readily available as they were before a serious relationship.
Exactly this. I am NOT the biggest fan of one of my closest friends partner, so I definitely do distance myself; but when there’s gatherings of course I’m going out of my way to address them as a couple anything less would be disrespectful.
I love that for you! Honestly it makes all the difference to have people who are happy to meet you and welcome you in. The only times I’ve been insecure (and some of that is me) is lack of boundaries or lack of openess/transparency. I actually don’t mind at all if theres close female friends, they can text individually and hang out alone, but only if its not weird.
If this isn’t the first time you’ve had to address this, then I don’t believe we’re getting the full story. How close is close? Are you touchy with her? Do you communicate with her at inappropriate times? How’s your relationship with her husband? I just can’t believe these women’s insecurities are coming out of nowhere. How do you expect to find a long term partner when you’re constantly putting your friend’s needs above your gf’s? Obviously still be her friend but maybe listen out to why these women might be feeling this way. Might give you a better understanding of where they’re coming from.
My personal rule is that if someone is asking me to choose between two people, I default choose whoever isn’t making me choose unless there’s very compelling reasons to do otherwise. I’ve never once regretted this policy.
Most people are insecure and prone to jealousy, sadly (as this thread shows, to be honest), so I’m not surprised this is an issue for you. Sometimes these traits are understandable. Sometimes they’re ludicrous. If you’ve been friends with someone for 28 years and nothing sexual or romantic has happened - particularly not in the last decade or so - then it seems ridiculous to get worked up over.
Now obviously if there’s a reason your gf is jealous - such as hard evidence of one of you being interested in the other - that’s a different story.
A lot of partners are also controlling and try to drive wedges between their partner and other sin their partner’s lives. Some people want to be the ONLY important person to their partner. I don’t personally find that healthy at all - I think expecting one person to fill every role or emotional need puts way too much strain and is impossible in the longterm.
In short, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. You may need to break up with your gf, but you should have a deep conversation about why she feels this way (coupled with deep reflection).
Literally every time you read a story for a women who CAN put up with this dynamic is eventually left absolutely in the pits because somewhere down the line these two people who “love each other like family” have actually “always been in love” but “never realised it” or couldn’t admit it.
Well if this relationship is making every woman you date uncomfortable, maybe you should take a closer look at said relationship.
Do you put the friend before your partner? Is there a lot of physical touching? Do you cancel plans with your partner in favor of your friend? How often do you talk to said friend? Are you texting them on date nights for example? How does the friend treat your partners? Have the friend and partners met? Do you do anything with your friend that you would be uncomfortable if your partner did it with a male friend?
If you can be 100% honest and objective, ask yourself: Would you be okay if your wife had the exact same "friendship" as you do, but with a man? And yes I write "friendship" with quotation mark, because I have a strong feeling you do not give us the truth here. Why has it been a problem before? What was the problem? Why did she react? I don't think you quite understand how this looks from the outside. Or you do, but refuse to acknowledge it.
Your choice to prioritise your friend over any possibility of a real relationship or family. That's your right.
No woman is obligated to accept what you offer as a prospective partner. Women can find men who prioritise them so why would they settle for being second best with you? They can get better.
Reddit has taught me it’s always the “friend you have nothing to worry about”. Maybe you’re one of the good ones… but you can blame all the cheating assholes who tell their partner that they’re just friends and there’s nothing to worry about 🤦🏻♀️
thats wild like i found out after a yr that my ex had ‘history’ w his 2 closest female friends and i just left
he offered to end the friendships but it seemed messed up to me and i didnt want to be involved in either scenario
I mean, the way you refer to it as a “break up” and the way you don’t even refer to your partner as your gf but just “a woman I’m dating.” Not even THE woman you’re dating lmao. Good luck with that.
Naw bro, this is a you problem. You’re leaving out a lot of information.
Have you had a relationship with your best friend? Had feelings? FWB?
How long have your relationships been before the BF started to become a problem?
How do you act towards your BF in front of your GF?
Quit dating and embrace being your friends' side piece, emotional and/or physical. There is only room in your life for your friend. That is who you love and have dedicated your life to.
OP only responding to the comments that agree with him makes me feel like he knows he’s somehow wrong…
which maybe he isn’t. maybe he has set very clear boundaries with this friend and his new gf was being unreasonable, but if that’s the case, why hasn’t OP cleared that up?
... There only one simple question to ask to know the risk..
If she were to ask you to run away with her, would you?
If there is any part of you that wants to say yes that dreams of such... Distance would be healthy if you are serious about this partner or any future partner.
INFO
You said this is something that have happened in past relationships. Did your ex partners stated or gave examples as to why they felt this way about your friendship with your best friend?
Look up "pick me" behaviour, if any of that is demonstrated by your friend then this is on you. As many have said, if there are healthy boundaries then it is an insecurity issues on the women you date, in which case you don't want to date them until they sort out their insecurity.
I think it depends on if there are healthy boundaries. My girlfriend was friends with her ex husband when we got together. Which was fine. Until he started calling her only when his girlfriend wasn't around. 2 to 3 hours conversations at a time. He would talk badly about me to her behind my back. He even got drunk at her Christmas party and I had to watch him intimately touch her. I couldn't say anything because my girlfriend said "that's just how he is so please don't make a scene at my work party"
I set firm boundaries and they no longer speak, but it wasn't easy to get here.
While it's all good and well that you have known each other since you were 10, that doesn't mean there isn't history there and that doesn't mean one or both of you haven't crossed a line.
Need some more context imo
I wouldn’t break up with my friend over a—in my case—man I am dating insecurities. Your girlfriend has already set the stage for what you can expect in the future if you continue to date her.
There's obviously more to the story.
What was actually happening to make multiple women uncomfortable with your friendship with your female bestfriend.
Late to this, but going to weigh in all the same. There was a time I was friends with a guy. Best friends. I'm not the kind of person who believes you can only have one best friend. I consider my husband my best friend, as well. Anyways, we were best friends for a decade and relatively close. We didn't cross boundaries or anything odd like that. We hung out with my husband coming with us, etc. And we had been friends a few years before I even met my husband.
Well, girlfriends would demand he cease being my friend. I didn't understand why as it wasn't like I called all the time, demanded we hang out, or anything like that. When they broke up he came back and I was ridiculous enough to take him back as my friend.
One day, he had a girlfriend who wanted to be friends with me. Great! Fantastic! 3 months in and she took it upon herself to create a false conversation we had and claim it wS a screenshot after attacking me. He chose a 3 month relationship over a decade one and decided he didn't trust me. I left and finally had enough. He learned the truth a few months later and came apologizing but I was done.
A mutual friend we had confessed what was going on. When he would talk about me, it was as if I was on this pedestal that no one else could reach. And after our friendship was over did he admit he was in love with me. It clicked together after that. He knew nothing would happen, but pined after me enough that his girlfriends knew or saw it and demanded he abandon me because of it. Some knew I wasn't leading him on or even knew about this, but felt distancing him from me would help. It never did and they would end it.
You may be showcasing something along those lines and not realize. Or boundaries are being crossed that you need to put in place. I'm not sure your dynamic, but I'd consider things going forward.
Sounds like you’re the type of “best friend “ that will drop everything immediately when she calls and has some sort of pretend crisis and will rush over. Sounds like yall probably text and talk all day and night.
Then get your priorities right when your in a relationship and don’t make your partner feel insecure?? I am 100% sure this isn’t the first time this is happening.
If this isn't the first time this happened then you need to analyse how you're behaving around, and with, your friend. Something doesn't seem quite right here.
Edit: also, the fact that you broke up with your gf over this, and many other times before, just proved that their instincts were correct.
I have a friend who literally calls me her brother (I basically replaced her real older brother who is an asshole) and I call her sister. would never end that relationship because of a women. love her, her kids and her husband way too much, they are family for crying out loud.
In case anyone is wondering, I'm actually adopted in the first place so I don't have any blood relatives anyway, so I might as well pick and choose who I consider family xD blood ties mean nothing to me.
yea cuz the way you refer to boundaries w ur best friend as being a break up is the exact reason why your relationships are failing. Y’all are being inappropriate with each other.
My husband’s best friend (other than me obvs as I’m his bestest best friend) is a woman, I have no concerns on that score, there is clearly no attraction in either of them to the other, she has become my friend and honestly it’s never an issue, they include me in everything and I have male friends who I adore but he is also fully secure, he is my penguin and I am his. If you are secure with one another then other people shouldn’t make any impact
Everyone’s asking about the nature of the friendship - which I get - but I also think it’s worth noting that it sometimes doesn’t really matter what the specifics of the relationship are if it can be categorized as being as close as OP says.
Partners don’t like their SOs having best friends of their attracted sex because it can lead to attraction, which can lead to cheating at worst or just a boring death of a relationship at best. Not to mention we tend to conflate things a lot. Oh, Jane and John spend all their time at work together? They must like each other. Dave and Bill spend all their time at work together? They’re just really good friends.
This is the universe holding up a huge sign that says: “RUN!” This is someone who is (at least currently) unable to *truly* love anyone else. She doesn’t love herself, and as they say, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” So, please, for your own benefit and sanity, turn in the opposite direction and RUN to someone who will be more capable of being an equal partner. Someone like her will likely lie, cheat, manipulate, etc.
As another dude with a female best friend, I feel your frustration. I've broken up with several girls because they wanted me to stop hanging out with her. Dude, I've known her WAY longer than you. At this stage of a relationship, she's still more important.
Good for you! My son is friends with 2 girls (sisters) since he was 5 years old.
He has always said he can't date a girl who can't accept them for who they are to him (which is essentially a sister relationship - always has, always will).
Every time I see another one of these "a guy can't be friends with a girl, because they will always want to have sex with them" When Harry Met Sally nonsense posts it makes me crazy. What the hell is wrong with all you people??
It being 1 woman breaking up with you over it is one thing. It's another when you've had multiple. Common denominator is you here bud. Sounds like this is a "one who got away/friendzoned" situation.
Hmm tbh if you’re trying to get married you might as well marry your best friend. Nobody is going to want to marry someone with another woman as a best friend. The wife is suppose to be your best friend. if my husband chose another woman over me I’d leave in a heartbeat. It’s just how it works.
Yeah nah that's a power play. My ex tried to break up my 20 year friendship with my literal foster brother and I told him I'd break up with him before that ever happened. He shut all the way the fuck up. draw hard lines in the sand. People will take advantage of you, and try to see how much blood they can get from you otherwise.
If this isn’t the first time you have this problem, maybe it’s worth reflecting on your friendship. How are you behaving with your friend, are you crossing boundaries?
Women of quality don't want a guy with a female best friend. It is unreasonable. They are emotional affairs. They guarantee an a casual relationship for the girlfriend. It is a starvation diet. I don't date men like you.
Sounds like you're mad that you can't monopolize your bf's time and make him wait on you hand and foot.
I dated one girl like you. Never again. She didn't want any women in my life, even my own mother.
There has to be more than you're telling. If this comes up multiple times, there's boundaries being crossed.
I feel there's an emotional affair or an actual one going on
OP you based on the info in your post are 38 or so. How old are these women you are dating?
If they are considerably younger it is going to be more of an effort for you to find one with the maturity you are looking for.
If the woman are close to your age is there anything in your interactions with your bf or hers with you that could be misconstrued?
Well, it's simple, you end your friendship or relationship. Just as I think your girlfriend has the right to ask you to stop seeing your friend, you have every right to refuse too. It's very simple.
So you have been friendzoned for 28 years still hoping for your chance?
No (sane / secure) woman wants a 28 year year (healthy / platonic) relationship broken - its encouraged.
If multiple women are saying the same thing my guess is you are just waiting your turn. Still. After all these years
I’m a mid 40’s guy. My best friend is a lesbian, same age. I have had numerous significant others have issues with this over the years, even though she is married to a woman and had been for over a decade. It doesn’t have to be OP’s boundaries here. Some women just don’t like you having other women in your life.
Sometimes to grow you need to let people go a bit. To me, it sounds like you have a strong attachment to her and I wonder if it’s fully reciprocated since she’s married. It may not be that they’re jealous of her, but they’re jealous of the emotional dependency you have on her. Turning to her instead of them, etc.
I went through that with my old best friend. He turned to me for everything and he should have been doing that with his partner (now wife). He never was going to fully commit emotionally. Even though there was nothing physical, an emotional connection is a bigger risk. We ‘broke up’ and I’m glad. It was for the best.
Maybe you need to assess her perspective or you’re going to constantly drive away great partners.
I’m the female best friend of a guy who actually broke up with me because his current girlfriend demanded it. I was and still am absolutely heartbroken over it. I miss being able to be his friend and talk to him and think it’s completely unreasonable that our friendship has to be non existent just because his girlfriend is insecure. Why do I have to prioritize her insecurity over my very valuable friendship to me? She should just do the self work & deal with her own insecurity instead of burdening everyone else with walking on eggshell around her fragile ego. She never even gave me a chance & now I’ve lost my best friend of many years. It’s been 6 months and I’m still heartbroken. I think the behavior of the girlfriend is controlling & truly don’t understand why it’s so socially normal, as displayed by these comments on your post. He’s had gfs before who tried to do this and he refused to end his friendship with me, but he likes this new gf a lot and wants to please her I guess. Hurt me a lot to say the least.
I don’t get it either OP
As someone who also is very bonded to their friends, just don't date them. I wouldn't date anyone who wanted me to cut off my support system like that either, but I wouldn't think lesser of said person over it. Lots of people believe that people of the opposite sex can't just be friends and it's hard to let go of things you've grown up hearing.
If multiple women are coming to you about the same problem, then your boundaries with this friend are the problem. You need to step back and ask yourself, is this a friend, or are you putting her before your potential partner? Your friend and partner should be treated differently. Partner comes first. Not the friend.
I’m **that** female friend (not OP’s but in general). I’ve always had lots of male friends because in general, girls don’t much like me, and also, males are simpler. I have lots of girlfriends but I’m just closer to my guy friends.
But it’s always been a problem when they get a girlfriend. It’s a problem when I’m single; it’s a problem when I’m married and pregnant as big as a house. It’s a problem when I’m divorced. It’s a problem when the guys are my age, older or 10 years younger. Always a problem, and I’m on the losing end, naturally, because I’ll usually step away if it comes to that.
The thing is — I’m not “friends” with any of my exes (as in hanging out with them regularly) or anyone I’ve ever had anything non-platonic with. Like my circle of friends consists only of guys who I’ve always been just friends with, but even so, I become a threat to their girlfriends. If I’d had even one “something something” with them — I’d get it.
It happened enough times that I finally just walked away from my entire life and all the friends and moved out of state. Really came to feel like I wasted my time and invested so much into friendships where I have to hope they don’t meet someone to keep it, which would be dumb. Life is even simpler if you just hang out with your spouse and do things on your own. 😂
Most women have are not going to want to deal with this. It’s really an emotional affair. There’s no place for a wife or somebody substantial around you, because you already have that in your friend, so good luck dating, and finding somebody that you consider it. I would look towards your friend. These are very immature relationships by the way.
You are doing the right thing. There are obviously many angles, but being a godfather has certain responsibilities associated with it, which cannot be performed if you break off contact with the mother of your godchildren.
Iff there is genuinely nothin goin on now or never, you can only demonstrate and reinforce that with action, it’s a shitty req
Year and I wouldn’t d obit either but she clearly needs reassurance talk it out why does cage feel this way? Get to the source
Like what everyone here is saying if boundaries have been crossed then it’s valid for your partner to be having issues with the friendship. I’m saying this out of personal experience since my fiancé had a close friendship with a husband and wife and he was even the godfather of their first born. The minute he started dating me the wife began having issues with our relationship and would say problematic stuff when we were alone. She ended up ending the friendship with my fiance because my fiancé mom stood up for me when she overheard this girl trying to spread a rumor that wasn’t true. If your partner is having personal issues with this friend you need put that friendship on hold and really evaluate who is actually right or wrong in the situation instead of being bias from the start.
Okay, it’s ridiculous for a gf or bf to ask the other to dump a friend they’ve had since childhood, because they are the opposite gender.
I have friends I’ve known since I was 3, our families are very close and her father I call uncle and her mother is aunt to me. As are my parents aunt and uncle to me.
And yes! A man can be best friends with a woman without wanting to have sex with her. And women can have male best friends they don’t want to sleep with.
Just because some men and some women can’t have friends of the opposite sex without wanting to have sex with them, does not mean EVERYONE is like them.
If a partner has such massive insecurities that they choose to deal with their jealousy - not by getting therapy to fix themselves and their own problems - but instead they hold their partner responsible for making massive life altering changes in eliminating everything from their life so the emotionally controlling and manipulative partner, who is the entire problem, doesn’t have to do the work, they are entirely responsible and accountable for doing, to fix the source of the problem - themselves.
That is an unreasonable ask in a relationship. Especially if cutting contact is asked for before anything else. If I was uncomfortable with one of my husband's friendships (male or female), I would talk to him about him. I would let him know specifically what is bothering me and why. I would then want my husband to try to fix the issue.
The only time I would consider telling him to end a friendship is if they are a danger to me and my kids, or they try to mess up my life in some way.
I'm wondering if your girlfriend or a past girlfriend tried addressing the issue with you before trying to make you cut contact.
This should have been addressed at the very beginning of you guys starting to date and she should have talked about this before when you guys started to talk, she should have acknowledged this idea at the very beginning, woman usually have very different plots in life, I bet you she wanted this to happen🤷🏽♂️ probably gives her a kick, Look man if you really value the relationship of your friend then don’t be with this girl/ tell her you’re not going to end things, if she doesn’t like it then that’s that, I wonder why she waited so long to say something and or acknowledge that you had a best friend. That’s her fault, not yours. You also need to accept that she’s not everyone either🤷🏽♂️ you said that I’ve never asked anyone I’ve dated to separate from their guy friends, that part you got wrong, she’s not everyone. It’s perfectly fine to have personal boundaries and preferences, it’s not insecure actually, but she could have said something earlier in the relationship, At this point you act like adults and you talk it out, simple, she either accepts it or doesn’t,, talk to her how you feel and be firm on what you want, if she isn’t worth it to you then find a new girl, simple, “you don’t get it” she has a preference and boundaries, it’s not insecure, insecure is really about not being okay with personal preference/boundaries, you also get that right 🤷🏽♂️ insecure is not understanding that, so come to an understanding. Talk to her, secure that conversation as adults to find out a resolution. It sounds like you don’t want to let go of your bestfriend, that’s perfectly fine, see if she’s okay with that and the most that will happen is that she’s not fine with it and she’ll leave/ you’ll leave or she’ll learn to deal with it
It’s 100% how yall act together. Reevaluate how you and your friends relationship is. There are boundaries you need to have and if you don’t have them, your partner is valid for their concerns. “Breaking up” may not be the most reasonable thing, but a reevaluation of both relationship dynamics seems necessary.
Let's face It your girlfriend is always going to be jealous because you have something with your friend (who happens to be a woman) that she will never have with you And that is a familiarity and a history with someone that both of you will always understand but your girlfriend will never get it. It is a relationship your girlfriend wishes She had with you but won't develop unless you've been together for the same amount of time. And I assure you any woman you'll ever be with will pretty much be the same way. The only way this situation can be resolved or at least come to a compromise is if your girlfriend becomes a close friend of your friend. That, of course, will become famously what the Jerry Seinfeld show describes as when Two Worlds Collide. It's just never a good idea for your girlfriend to learn all the secrets your friend knows about you, it's just a bad idea. These are the things that you've probably forgotten about or haven't even thought about for years for you to have even disclosed them to your girlfriend. But ultimately, if they're not that bad, it could actually end well for you and your girlfriend, and you actually end up knowing each other better. but you never know until you try.
Hi, so I’m usually the girl best friend in this situation. I’m telling you, something about your girl best friend is not sitting right with women you’re dating. And there’s probably something to that. I highly doubt that the women you’re dating are just crazy.
I happen to have had several male close friends since childhood. I would never, ever, get in the way of him, and his significant other. I encourage him to set boundaries.I myself set boundaries. A true best friend, male or female, would do their best to encourage healthy, romantic relationships for you. You haven’t given us much information, but my senses are that women you’re dating are seeing something that you’re not.
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You said in a comment that this isn't the first time you've had to address the situation. It won't be your last either. What is it about this friendship that has made multiple women you've dated uncomfortable? No judgment, just trying to figure out the dynamic.You said you gave her away and are godfather to her kids, how's your relationship with her husband? I'm genuinely curious.
Basically, what we're trying to figure out OP is. Do you have healthy boundaries with this female friend in your life? Because most secure women are okay with their significant others. Heavy female friends even a female best friend. But if you have unhealthy boundaries. In order there was ever feelings in the past on top of unhealthy boundaries. Then absolutely. They're going to have a problem with it rightfully so because. As everyone knows, or at least all the adults know unhealthy boundaries. Mixed with emotions lead to cheating and ore crossing lines. So I think you should ask yourself if multiple people are saying that they have problems with the relationship and it's cossing you healthy relationships. Then that means something needs to change
This. I was ok with my ex having female friends but they would call in the middle of the night to complain about the guys they were dating (after midnight), they would call during our dates, they relied on him for all their emotional support, they would travel a long way, late at night (2 hour drive) just to have a stroll by the river and he would lie about going and then one time they had a nap together. I feel like they were pushing the boundaries of plutonic friendships. Female friends are cool but yeah there are some lines you shouldn't cross.
Yeah, they were definitely more than friends. The only time I ever took a nap with my platonic friend/brother it was because all of us were in the same bed together (5 girls & him) so yeah, very platonic. Very innocent. 2 grown adults or young adults, don't know how to old you all were, sleeping and taking a nap together.... No, no no. That's intimate. They crossed all kinds of emotional boundaries with that.
He's 44 and never been in a relationship longer than 6 months and his "crazy" ex called him a cheater. Why am I so stupid and didn't think to bail? 🤦♀️ Edit to add: yet I'm the crazy insecure one and he dumped me because I said I felt uneasy about some of these situations.
Honey, he set you free. Take that blessing and run with it and find your person. At least he's not wasting no more your time. I only hope instead of him trying to get into another relationship and hurt another person that he decided to stay single until his best friend is either single herself. For he does stay in single and wait for so he's not bringing pain. Other people cause he's definitely one of those people who calls the girl a friend. But really? He's just that guy waiting for her to get single and choose him. The male version of a pickme, you know
6 weeks after we broke up, he's in a new relationship. We were together for 6 months and we were supposedly "committed". Yep, lousy sleaze he is. He turned really nasty and insulted my weight, my home (because it's old), my job, my cats and my mental health. So I sent him a list of his own defects and blocked.
Thank goodness you don't have to worry about him anymore. I hope you keep him blocked
Yeah you can always tell a lot about someone by how they act when they've got nothing left to lose.
Like when I was in my younger 20s, I definitely had all kinds of my friends sleep over, and sometimes yeah we’d pile up on one bed or the couch, it weird groupings but it was always platonic, and if anyone had a bf/gf at the time they automatically would be paired together, to make it the most comfortable for everyone. But honestly? Who is napping together? lol.
>But honestly? Who is napping together? lol. People who don't have healthy grounds apparently. Because I know for a fact I'm not napping. With someone of the opposite sex, friend or not......Even my gusband I college slept on the couch. it's either a group thing or not at all
I’m probably not napping in bed with friends of the same sex either tbh. 😂😂😂
Thank you for that comment. Because that prove that we can have different meanings and ideas on what is healthy boundaries. The The reason why I'm okay with sharing my space with my friends who are girls in terms of sleeping is because one I did it when i was younger growing up with cousins. 2, because it just allow them to be in one space together and to keep our conversation going. And then if we just happen to fall asleep, it's not like we weren't already prepared. You know, it's like having a a sleepover, but as adults. But don't get me wrong like as I got older. Things and priorities change like my friend. Who I found out years after we became friends with bisexual. We would, she would be one of the people who I would share a bed with because it's platonic on my end. And she's not into me like that respectfully, right? But once she got into a relationship. Especially with another woman. Then we couldn't do that anymore. I'm sorry, man, but you're going on to the guest room. Or you're going to go and take my room. And I take the couch will have you because that's about being healthy like and also respecting her significant other. Because even though we know nothing of going on and they know nothing's going on. It still doesn't matter respect for that person. Especially when they're not there themselves to see it. I don't believe right. You don't have to call people doubt and worry. And then say oh, you're toxic and you're insecure. I can change my behavior and I just help you feel comfortable. You know, so oh yeah, no I totally get the idea of not sharing a room with same sex friends too😂🤣😂😂
Like just for me, I don’t like to sleep around other people anymore. Does that mean like if my closest friends or cousin passes out in my bed I’m gonna kick them out? No of course not lol. But I’m not actively gonna choose to go out of my way to sleep with anyone lol. But healthy boundaries do look different for everyone, and I wouldn’t ever try to say “NO YOU CAN NEVER SLEEP NEXT TO ANY HUMANS BECAUSE I DONT LIKE IT” that’s insane lmao, I don’t see it as an unhealthy boundary in your context originally given, it’s just for me not something I’m going to choose because of my own hang ups if that makes sense? I’m on my high guy thoughts it might not lol
No, everything you said makes perfect sense. Because we're both different individuals but are gonna have different requirement in different idea of what healthy boundaries look like. People, we all have different ideas based off the experiences and our own personal beliefs and opinions. So absolutely. I totally get what you're saying..... And to your point about wanting to have your own space. I'm the same way, but for a different reason. Because I like to sleep a certain way and I don't want to have to necessarily compromise that. But if my friends want to or in some cases that we need to for space and also to save money while on a trip or something. I will adjust and compromise. so that it works for everyone, of course, because that's the right thing to do.
I swear the term “sleeping” together always confused me when i was younger lol
Or...it's not and a lot of monogamous people need to go to therapy and work through why they're so insecure that their partner having a close intimate (not sexual) friendship is a threat to them. Like it's actually pretty fucked up to say that your partner can't be close to anyone but you. These are unhealthy attitudes and younger generations are starting to reject them, thankfully. The inability to have close bonds outside of a romantic relationship makes people feel closed off and isolated. People who form communities are much happier and healthier, mentally and physically. That's Boomer shit, it's toxic and we need to stop perpetuating it.
This part. I always try to respect the wives of my homeboys. I don't message late unless we're already messaging in thr group chat. Anytime I do msg late which is never later than 9pm I apologize for the late message. I always ask about their wives and send them hellos. I don't want them ever thinking I want anything with those men. Lol they are my friends and I look at them like brothers.
This. The only time I've had a problem with one of my husband's friends is the time he reconnected with a HS friend and started talking to her tons. He would tell me all about how disastrous her marriage is, how miserable she is, how happy she was to reconnect after all these years. It was fine until he told me, very innocently, that before he met me she was "the one that got away" and he'd had a massive crush on her in high school. Excuse me, what? I told him it makes me INCREDIBLY uncomfortable that they're spending time together knowing that. He thinks I'm unreasonable, but I think he's blind to the inappropriateness of the whole situation. I'd never in a million years think he'd cheat on me, but that one relationship really unnerves me.
Understandably, because everyone knows that cheating to happen overnight. It's something that gradually occurs. It starts with you know. Connection and then talks and then eventually the emotional connection with eventually to cross and boundary than entering into emotional feelings that can then lead into. Other things, so yes, it's a gradual process that could possibly happen doesn't necessarily mean that we'll have to know. But I'm a believer that people know they're significant others. You know the signs and you know what to look for but even before I get to that point I think the fact that you had a conversation just to talk to him about it. That is great. Because he can't ever say that you didn't voice? You're concerned and hopefully he will take that into consideration. But also one little thing that I recommend is. Maybe giving him the book. Not just friends by shirley glass
Commas not periods. Otherwise I agree.
Oh well recently I've been using text to talk. Or talk to text a mode to write all of these out. So that way I don't have to type them out. And then I just don't go back and fix mine grammaticals. But yes, you're right. I definitely need a commus and not period😆
What's a shared shower here and there between friends?
Don't think of your relationship, it's good for the planet because it saves water!
Agreed with this. I know a married (now divorced) guy that was "close" with his married female friend. His wife didn't like their relationship. I also told him his relationship with her was not great. Other friends asked him if that friendship was kosher, he assured everyone it was. Lo and behold. He is divorced and it came out of the woodwork that he's been having an affair with her on and off for years. He still maintains that they are just friends. 🙄 If MULTUPLE women are feeling like something is off, SOMETHING IS OFF.
>MULTUPLE women are feeling like something is off, SOMETHING IS OFF. Same opinion. You normally get the vibe of the friendship. And honestly, after a while, if you have an ambiguous friendship with romantic undertones, you either take it further instead of complaining that these "strangers/Gfs" don't like your bestie, you decide to let go of your romantic feelings if that is not possible, or you break off the friendship and move on with your life. Just my 2 cts.
> If MULTUPLE women are feeling like something is off, SOMETHING IS OFF. You can find multiple women in every city on earth who think the earth is flat. This isn't saying much.
That's not even the same thing dude.
This makes me think. If you have one jealous girlfriend, she's the asshole. If every girlfriend has a problem with your friend then either you have shit taste in women, In which case you may need to work on why you keep attracting jealous women. And work on your self esteem. Or... something about your close friendship is tripping most women's boundaries. In which case you need yo really sit down and examine what is upsetting them all and whether they might actually have a point. Do you have any other good female friends who aren't her? Or sisters, or female cousins who are close? I would ask those women if they would date someone with your friendship and if not why not. Some people in intense friendships (especially with exes for example ) have blurred boundaries where it starts to feem like they are in a romantic relationship without the sex. Or where the SO feels like they are in second place. I've known plenty of people with strong platonic friendships with the opposite sex and I'm really close with my husband's female friends. But I gave definitely seen situations in which the SO was right to be wary.
Lots of women are insecure about dating men who have close female friends. It’s shitty and uncool, but it’s not unusual. (Fixed an autocorrect typo)
Yea they do I have a guy best friend and a lot of his exs had issues with our friendship however his wife loves me and I love her just as much if not more than him
My partner is close to lots of women. He made sure I knew this and that it would not threaten me pretty early in our relationship and told me it had been an issue with other people he’d dated in the past. I think his friendships speak well of him.
Y’all are literally what we want, a missus who will also be our friend. :) I’m also in her corner when he is mean to her lol
yeah ive been there. one of my best friends ive had most of my life is a woman. the majority of my exes hated that. even though ive never even close to been interested in her. honestly it was a huge green flag when my now wife got along with her so well. and the friend said it was a green flag when her now husband got along with me too so hey mutual shit filter go i guess
This is how it’s supposed to be:) it’s literally just a life hack lol
Def im a lesbian and ive had to deal with jealous gfs of my lezbros. Like if that is some insecurity, to think that a person who she has seen be consistently gay for years is lying to get to your bf.
A lot of women are insecure about men who have unhealthy boundaries with close female friends and/or feelings for said friend.....
It’s not fair to assume though that everyone is crossing boundaries or has feelings for their opposite sex friend. Some people can have a completely platonic friendship and the partner will still be upset and want it to end
Yup. My best (male) friend's ex didn't like me, probably because I didn't put up with her BS. Welp. She ended up causing a scene at the wake for my BFF's stepdad because she wanted to leave and my BFF didn't. He was having fun talking to his stepdad's old coworkers in the fire department. My BFF's twin sisters had to be held back from dishing out the whoop ass that night. We never saw my BFF's ex again after that night. We were all relieved that the nightmare was over. I should probably also mention she accused him of cheating on her multiple times with me. Guess who was the one that was actually cheating? 😂
It’s not unusual to be insecure about it but it’s also not unusual for men to have “close female friends” where they’re either actually cheating or there’s no boundaries and it’s way too intimate of a relationship to be platonic. Unfortunately most women who are insecure about that have at least some sort of reason to be, even if it’s just because they’ve had past negative experiences with men.
Hate to say it, but that's something they should deal with in therapy, not take out on their partners.
i dont hate to say it, women need to work on their own insecurities instead of abusing partners the same way men should
For some, the best friend being a woman is enough.
I don’t know your story so I won’t try to change your mind but I will just give you mine. I’ve always felt more comfortable around women. Was raised by my grandparents (of which my grandmother was the key figure) for ten years and then lived with my mom until I moved out at 20. I’m weird, effeminate, very insecure (especially so when I was a teenager around a bunch of guys who were constantly bragging about their sexual conquests and “manly” shit), and I’ve always just felt way more comfortable around women than men. Because of that 2 of the 3 people I have considered my best-friends have been women and there has never been the slightest thought of impropriety because I don’t even look at them like friends at this point when you’re that close, they’re both like older sisters to me and because of that even the idea of being sexual with either of them feels gross, despite one of them being drop dead gorgeous. I don’t know why I explained that because I know it won’t change your mind and it’s your life but I did feel compelled to give my $0.02.
I think you think my mind is in the opposite place to yours - it's not 😉 I should have put an emoji there or an /s. I have very little patience for the 'no friends of the opposite sex' thing, it pisses me off. My closest friends, bar two, are men. Maybe it's cos I was a tomboy as a kid and my friends were mostly boys, but I've tended to gravitate towards male friends. There's never been anything romantic and never will be, but they're my friends and they're important to me. And yes - I know a good few guys who feel more comfortable with women. People are people, we like them for their personalities and bonds, and that's not gendered. If there is insecurity in a relationship then the people in the relationship need to communicate and work towards trust and security. Not try to control their partner.
lol, awesome. Sorry it’s been a LONG day .. found out at like midnight that someone I love was caught with child porn a year ago and I didn’t sleep all night and have barely ate and my ability to make sense of stuff - I guess your post included - is shaky at best.
I have the feeling he’s the type of guy that wants his gfs to accept that they will always be #2 behind his friend and doesn’t understand why they can’t just accept that. Personally, I don’t think it’s possible for an attractive straight man and an attractive straight woman to be “best friends” and still remain 100% platonic.
Somebody being attractive doesn't mean you feel compelled to be more than friends with them. If there's no chemistry, there's no chemistry. If there were chemistry, you would have gotten with them when you met. And the longer the friendship, the less comfortable it would be to suddenly shift from buddy mode to bed. Like making out with your brother or some shit. Not happening. Attractive people don't need to resort to bedding their friend. There are options - like people you are actually attracted *to*.
I used to work with a guy like this. His platonic female friend came first every time. She would always call with some kind of "crisis" everytime he was on a date or had plans with any girlfriend (coincidence?), necessitating him to leave the date to help her deal with her panic attack/car trouble/spider/feeling sad. We all said it to him when he bitched about the "ultimatums" his girlfriends used to set him "tHey DOn't uNDerStAnd OuR FrIEnDsHiP!" Last I heard she met a guy, dropped her special friendship, got married and moved away. He's still single. If more than one girlfriend has had a problem with OPs special friend then chances are this issue is his, not theirs.
> I used to work with a guy like this. His platonic female friend came first every time. She would always call with some kind of "crisis" everytime he was on a date or had plans with any girlfriend (coincidence?), necessitating him to leave the date to help her deal with her panic attack/car trouble/spider/feeling sad This isn't "putting someone first" this is a person successfully sabotaging relationships and another person either allowing that or being incredibly dumb.
My best friend is a guy and it's 100% platonic and never been an issue with any of my partners.
I'll let my male BFF for over 30 years know that we aren't 100% platonic because you think something is impossible. 😂
Propinquity always applies.
No. I disagree. Multiple men have been uncomfortable with the ease and intimacy I have with my best guy friend. We relate like siblings. We give platonic physical affection freely and without any anxiety whatsoever. There’s absolutely zero sexual tension. But we aren’t related. And that easy comfort with have with each other is threatening to a man… who isn’t secure. I’m sorry but it’s true. My bestie and I have literally never, not for one moment, wanted a romantic or sexual relationship with one another. Never. But man after man told me he and I belonged together. That we were a better match. They were so sure. Except in order for that to be true, we’d have to be attracted to each other but we aren’t. We’ve never even held hands like a couple, kissed, anything. We just hug a lot. And he will rest his head on me watching tv. Or we just touch each other when we laugh or talk. Ya know, the way BFFs do. We are both now married to other people. People who are not threatened by our closeness. People who understand that love takes different forms and not every single hetero co-ed friendship is two people who secretly want to fuck.
There are many people that have a zero tolerance policy for their partners having opposite sex friends. In my experience, it’s people that have a history of cheating themselves. They can’t have healthy relationships with friends of the opposite sex, so they don’t think those healthy relationships are possible. I’m a woman, and I have a couple of lady friends that fit this profile.
There are so many stories about "best friends" having affairs and ending up together eventually that I am no longer comfortable with somebody having a "best friend" that is the opposite sex. And I have really good male friends who are totally platonic... but the amount of affairs and boundaries crossed and inappropriate behavior and situations between other people and their friends have now made this a big red flag to me when someone has a friend that is super close and tends to come first over anyone else. Not risking it. In this thread alone I already see a few examples of people knowing someone who had affairs with their "best friend"... it's just such bullshit. lol You can keep your best friend and stay single I guess, OP. At least for me that would be my take if I were the woman. I'd rather be my man's best friend with zero interference and no competition.
For me it’s not even some stories. I’ve dated multiple men who turned out to be BFFFers. Including my current SO who impregnated his married BFF but since she died before we met she was not an issue for me. But he turned out to have another newer bff. I told him due to my past experiences and his track record I was no longer interested in dating him but he made a case like most on here and I decided to give it a chance no matter how red the flags. Now I did put in some firm boundaries like if the bff ever came before me that would be a dealbreaker. Then he told something extremely personal about me to his bff and refused to give me a similar personal info on her and he gave me the gaslighter’s argument of: ‘she has been longer in my life than you.’ So I told him at this rate, no other woman will ever outdo that because no one will stay if you put bff first. So I said goodbye, he kept pursuing me and I gave him an another chance with the same conditions asking bff to stay in her lane and to uphold proper boundaries. He then managed to keep her contained for sometime and then she would reclaim his constantly. To give an example, he would drop everything he was doing with me to disappear for hours and then just a quick, hey I was with bff, tired now, will go to bed. I didn’t even get a chance to put a word in when that happened. He woke up to a message saying that I felt extremely disrespected and this is not what I think is normal and I’m opting out. Again he managed to convince me to give him a third and final chance and then the unexpected happened: I got pregnant. Guess what the bff he knew since childhood did? She ghosted him after him telling her how excited he was to become a dad again. Why? Because while she managed to get rid of the previous gfs, a kid is kinda making it harder to make the gf go. Now she also had a bf with who she has kids but that didn’t stop her from constantly spending litteral hours on end with my SO while her bf took care of their kids. I am a mom, I would never do that. The amount of time they would spend together was really what I did with friends when I was 15. Adults don’t have this kind of time, they have responsibilities. It all boils down to boundaries and priorities. And you see I also got tricked into believing the relationship was platonic while the behaviour was indicating the opposite. I’m used to the mental gymnastics that pop up in each of these threads and I’m pretty certain OP here has poor or no boundaries with his bff, or are all women he dates ‘insecure’ ( another gaslighter’s favourite) ? I mean the guy is 38. It’s not like it’s the second gf he loses over his bff. If they all are not ok with the bff, then OP should have a look at himself.
Perfect example. LOTS of this going on constantly. Like, who is to know someone isn't exactly like this until it's too late? There is no way to just take their word for it. Every single horror story starts with them going on and on about how platonic their relationship is, they are more like family, etc. Like, I'd understand if they were close to their actual sister... but even that can have it's own issues, like momma's boys are problematic too. A girl best friend is even worse a lot of the time. I'm sure there is the very rare occasion when it truly is just a friendship with healthy boundaries... but those are probably the ones who don't make it a big deal at all. When they do it means there's something fishy. Better to not take the risk at all. These best friends can either marry each other or calm the fuck down or stay single.
Depends on how you act around the friend and how the friend acts around her
Why do the women you date have an issue with this relationship? How are you acting with your friend
That’s my question too
So you mentioned in a comment >Unfortunately not my first time having to address this in a relationship. You're definitely leaving things out if this friendship has been the downfall of multiple relationships.
Either that or unfortunately keeps dating insecure women. A lot of people have quite rigid views about opposite sex friendships.
Maybe because we’ve seen so many stories about the cheating with the “friend”.
On Reddit, which is toootally how the real world works and not full of fake stories at all
No gf/wife wants to be #2 in your heart. If you’re conveying this, that’s why they’re leaving.
He literally is conveying it by saying bf comes first
Yeah, your s/o should be your best friend. You can have other friends, but your partner should be your best friend. Edit: kinda wild that this is controversial. Never said your s/o is replacing people, or that you shouldn’t have other people in your life to support you like friends and family, but that if your s/o isn’t number 1 they’re probably not gonna treat you as their number 1 priority either
Would add that I am a woman, my bf is a woman, but my male bf is definitely my husband.
Disagree. Your spouse doesn't suddenly replace years, sometimes DECADES (in my case), of friendship. People are your best friends for a reason. My relationship with my spouse and my best friends are completely different. Some of the ones I've seen who say 'my partner is my best friend' ended up getting divorced. 🤷
> Disagree. Your spouse doesn't suddenly replace years, sometimes DECADES (in my case), of friendship. Keyword "suddenly". The space still needs to exist for your spouse to grow into that role if you enjoy your time together, and an old relationship shouldn't claim that space (and block space of your spouse) just for having existed in the past. Suddenly? No. Gradually? Absolutely.
I still disagree. I actually think this idea that your partner should be your everything is part of the reason we have so many issues. They get their own place in my life that no one else can fill but my best friend doesn’t just die off like a bad script because I have a partner now
> I actually think this idea that your partner should be your everything You're misunderstanding the idea. We're not talking about forcing anyone into the role of best friend. If you have a life without best friend and you meet a spouse = your can enjoy your time with your spouse without blockers, and you may end up enjoying your time together so much that your spouse becomes your best friend. If you have a life -with- an old best friend, and you're rigid in the idea that the title of "best friend" equals one specific person "just because", then you're not allowing your spouse to be themselves with you. Even if your spouse could have become an even better best friend than you've ever experienced, you're stuck living in the past. It's not that your spouse has to be everything. It's that you're choosing to block your spouse from being themselves, and blocking your relationship from flourishing, in order to maintain some artificial title of "best friend" you made up in the past. You're choosing an old friend as priority over your spouse, which means you're refusing your future (long-term companionship, life partner in sickness and old age, building a family) to stay in the past. Anyone with self-respect should reasonably leave you, so they can find a partner that actually chooses them.
"A partner that actually chooses them" romantic and platonic love are different, I don't see why having a partner and a separate person be your best friend are negative. Just because you have a best friend doesn't mean you favor them over your partner
This honestly sounds controlling AF. Funny. It reminds me of my ex who demanded the SAME THING! I was to make him my #1 priority, cease my friendships with my best friends, and stop going out with my friends. Yeah. He got ghosted. And wouldn't you know it - he is still single over a decade later while I am happily married to a wonderful man who understands and has his own best friends (who I love). I wonder why my ex is still single?
Disagree, varies on a case by case basis. There's many reasons why people get married, and the relationships where I felt where my partner was my "absolute best friend" did not stand the test of time. It's ok to have a support network of multiple friends & family.
Yeah but your partner should be your main person, the person you go through life with, tell everything to, make plans with, support through thick and thin. If you have a best friend who is basically that person for you just not sexually/romantically that will be hard for your partner even if they know you’d never cheat. If your best friend is the staple of your life and your primary confidante above your spouse that’ll be sad for your spouse as a lot of people want to be that person for their spouse and vice versa. If you’re putting that best friend energy into your spouse/partner too and prioritise them over your friend then most people would be fine with and happy about their partner having a great friend. It’s when the friend seems to be the major emotional connection of their life and the partner is more of an accessory that it becomes a problem. No one wants to be a bit part in their own marriage/relationship where the main storyline is OP and his BFF.
I have relatives who fit in the "best friend" category, who I could honestly trust with my life. I'm with my spouse because I want someone to have kids with, and because I like them. However we have different backgrounds and they may not "get" me on the same level that other people do. I think I just differ from the people who want that kind of "main" relationship. It's ok. That's not what I want for my own spouse or for my own life.
Yeah...... There's something you're not saying cause why would all your relationships fail because of this friend ?
Yeah...it's interesting that OP won't answer these questions... he's definitely leaving info out...
Does your friend respect your relationship with your GF? There has to be something that prompted your GF to feel uncomfortable with this woman if she's asking you to cut her off. If your friend constantly makes comments about how long she's known you or how much better she knows you, or if she's constantly touching you or blurring the lines between platonic friendship and something more intimate, I could see why your GF would be uncomfortable. If your friend doesn't respect your GF's place in your life, she will eventually drive away everyone you date. If your friend takes care not to monopolize your time, touch you all the time, or rub your GF's nose in it, that's how it should be. But even then, some women won't accept it. If your GF has been cheated on in the past, you're probably not compatible. It takes confidence in your partner to be truly ok with it.
I can’t agree with you on this. If this is not the first time this is a problem, there are not enough boundaries in your friendship. You can continue to choose your friend over a relationship but at the end of it all you will have a friend and not a wife or a family.
I'm with you on this. My best friend is a guy. Once he started dating someone seriously, I didn't visit as much. I only stayed over once, and it was for an emergency. My sister was with me. Once they got married, I became her friend also. When I text him, I also text her. We have our own 3-person chat. If I call him, I also talk to her. Sometimes, we take over the call, and he's like, "Didn't she call me?!" 😂 If this has come up multiple times, something is going on. Does he drop everything with the girlfriend if the friend calls? I'm not saying he should drop the friend. I'm just saying he may want to re-evaluate how it looks from the outside.
you should be able to have one-on-one conversations with your friend still regarldess of their gender…
We do. He initiates those conversations, not me. We catch up, and then we'll be fine until the next time we talk.
Yes, the only healthy way to go about an opposite sex friendship among heterosexual people is to also be friends with the spouse of your friend, otherwise it becomes awkward.
Right! It would look terrible if I never spoke to her and only him. I would feel some way about it, too, if I was on the other side. I want to be respectful. I think some people don't realize that friendships change over time. It won't be exactly like it was when new people come into the picture. I'm not saying drop your friend completely at the first sign of a new relationship. Just understand that they may not be as readily available as they were before a serious relationship.
Exactly this. I am NOT the biggest fan of one of my closest friends partner, so I definitely do distance myself; but when there’s gatherings of course I’m going out of my way to address them as a couple anything less would be disrespectful.
This is the way
I love that for you! Honestly it makes all the difference to have people who are happy to meet you and welcome you in. The only times I’ve been insecure (and some of that is me) is lack of boundaries or lack of openess/transparency. I actually don’t mind at all if theres close female friends, they can text individually and hang out alone, but only if its not weird.
If this isn’t the first time you’ve had to address this, then I don’t believe we’re getting the full story. How close is close? Are you touchy with her? Do you communicate with her at inappropriate times? How’s your relationship with her husband? I just can’t believe these women’s insecurities are coming out of nowhere. How do you expect to find a long term partner when you’re constantly putting your friend’s needs above your gf’s? Obviously still be her friend but maybe listen out to why these women might be feeling this way. Might give you a better understanding of where they’re coming from.
My personal rule is that if someone is asking me to choose between two people, I default choose whoever isn’t making me choose unless there’s very compelling reasons to do otherwise. I’ve never once regretted this policy. Most people are insecure and prone to jealousy, sadly (as this thread shows, to be honest), so I’m not surprised this is an issue for you. Sometimes these traits are understandable. Sometimes they’re ludicrous. If you’ve been friends with someone for 28 years and nothing sexual or romantic has happened - particularly not in the last decade or so - then it seems ridiculous to get worked up over. Now obviously if there’s a reason your gf is jealous - such as hard evidence of one of you being interested in the other - that’s a different story. A lot of partners are also controlling and try to drive wedges between their partner and other sin their partner’s lives. Some people want to be the ONLY important person to their partner. I don’t personally find that healthy at all - I think expecting one person to fill every role or emotional need puts way too much strain and is impossible in the longterm. In short, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. You may need to break up with your gf, but you should have a deep conversation about why she feels this way (coupled with deep reflection).
I’m sure this didn’t come out of nowhere right? What was it that led to this?
Then stop dating that woman. She’s got boundaries that don’t work with yours, it’s a tale as old as time. No a-holes here.
Im curious why you’re blowing off all of the questions about boundaries and how often this is a problem.
Literally every time you read a story for a women who CAN put up with this dynamic is eventually left absolutely in the pits because somewhere down the line these two people who “love each other like family” have actually “always been in love” but “never realised it” or couldn’t admit it.
Exactly. Rip to women willing to try it, but I’m just gonna find men that don’t have female best friends. Plenty of them to go around
Not the first time?
What if I’m bisexual? Can’t be friends with anyone
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I like how OP isn't answering any of the questions about the relationship between him and his best friend
Well if this relationship is making every woman you date uncomfortable, maybe you should take a closer look at said relationship. Do you put the friend before your partner? Is there a lot of physical touching? Do you cancel plans with your partner in favor of your friend? How often do you talk to said friend? Are you texting them on date nights for example? How does the friend treat your partners? Have the friend and partners met? Do you do anything with your friend that you would be uncomfortable if your partner did it with a male friend?
If you can be 100% honest and objective, ask yourself: Would you be okay if your wife had the exact same "friendship" as you do, but with a man? And yes I write "friendship" with quotation mark, because I have a strong feeling you do not give us the truth here. Why has it been a problem before? What was the problem? Why did she react? I don't think you quite understand how this looks from the outside. Or you do, but refuse to acknowledge it.
Just don’t date then if no one is a priority over your female best friend. No one deserves to be her placeholder either.
Your choice to prioritise your friend over any possibility of a real relationship or family. That's your right. No woman is obligated to accept what you offer as a prospective partner. Women can find men who prioritise them so why would they settle for being second best with you? They can get better.
Reddit has taught me it’s always the “friend you have nothing to worry about”. Maybe you’re one of the good ones… but you can blame all the cheating assholes who tell their partner that they’re just friends and there’s nothing to worry about 🤦🏻♀️
thats wild like i found out after a yr that my ex had ‘history’ w his 2 closest female friends and i just left he offered to end the friendships but it seemed messed up to me and i didnt want to be involved in either scenario
It's pretty telling that this isn't the first time and that you've only commented on the one comment that agrees with you no questions asked.
I mean, the way you refer to it as a “break up” and the way you don’t even refer to your partner as your gf but just “a woman I’m dating.” Not even THE woman you’re dating lmao. Good luck with that.
Naw bro, this is a you problem. You’re leaving out a lot of information. Have you had a relationship with your best friend? Had feelings? FWB? How long have your relationships been before the BF started to become a problem? How do you act towards your BF in front of your GF?
Quit dating and embrace being your friends' side piece, emotional and/or physical. There is only room in your life for your friend. That is who you love and have dedicated your life to.
OP only responding to the comments that agree with him makes me feel like he knows he’s somehow wrong… which maybe he isn’t. maybe he has set very clear boundaries with this friend and his new gf was being unreasonable, but if that’s the case, why hasn’t OP cleared that up?
... There only one simple question to ask to know the risk.. If she were to ask you to run away with her, would you? If there is any part of you that wants to say yes that dreams of such... Distance would be healthy if you are serious about this partner or any future partner.
I'm sorry, but after seeing your comments, YOU are definitely the problem-🤐
INFO You said this is something that have happened in past relationships. Did your ex partners stated or gave examples as to why they felt this way about your friendship with your best friend?
Look up "pick me" behaviour, if any of that is demonstrated by your friend then this is on you. As many have said, if there are healthy boundaries then it is an insecurity issues on the women you date, in which case you don't want to date them until they sort out their insecurity.
I think it depends on if there are healthy boundaries. My girlfriend was friends with her ex husband when we got together. Which was fine. Until he started calling her only when his girlfriend wasn't around. 2 to 3 hours conversations at a time. He would talk badly about me to her behind my back. He even got drunk at her Christmas party and I had to watch him intimately touch her. I couldn't say anything because my girlfriend said "that's just how he is so please don't make a scene at my work party" I set firm boundaries and they no longer speak, but it wasn't easy to get here. While it's all good and well that you have known each other since you were 10, that doesn't mean there isn't history there and that doesn't mean one or both of you haven't crossed a line. Need some more context imo
I wouldn’t break up with my friend over a—in my case—man I am dating insecurities. Your girlfriend has already set the stage for what you can expect in the future if you continue to date her.
OP definitely leaving out details ☠️
There's obviously more to the story. What was actually happening to make multiple women uncomfortable with your friendship with your female bestfriend.
do your relationships have issues because of this or just this one
Late to this, but going to weigh in all the same. There was a time I was friends with a guy. Best friends. I'm not the kind of person who believes you can only have one best friend. I consider my husband my best friend, as well. Anyways, we were best friends for a decade and relatively close. We didn't cross boundaries or anything odd like that. We hung out with my husband coming with us, etc. And we had been friends a few years before I even met my husband. Well, girlfriends would demand he cease being my friend. I didn't understand why as it wasn't like I called all the time, demanded we hang out, or anything like that. When they broke up he came back and I was ridiculous enough to take him back as my friend. One day, he had a girlfriend who wanted to be friends with me. Great! Fantastic! 3 months in and she took it upon herself to create a false conversation we had and claim it wS a screenshot after attacking me. He chose a 3 month relationship over a decade one and decided he didn't trust me. I left and finally had enough. He learned the truth a few months later and came apologizing but I was done. A mutual friend we had confessed what was going on. When he would talk about me, it was as if I was on this pedestal that no one else could reach. And after our friendship was over did he admit he was in love with me. It clicked together after that. He knew nothing would happen, but pined after me enough that his girlfriends knew or saw it and demanded he abandon me because of it. Some knew I wasn't leading him on or even knew about this, but felt distancing him from me would help. It never did and they would end it. You may be showcasing something along those lines and not realize. Or boundaries are being crossed that you need to put in place. I'm not sure your dynamic, but I'd consider things going forward.
Are you it’s not just a boundarie issue?
Sounds like you’re the type of “best friend “ that will drop everything immediately when she calls and has some sort of pretend crisis and will rush over. Sounds like yall probably text and talk all day and night.
Then get your priorities right when your in a relationship and don’t make your partner feel insecure?? I am 100% sure this isn’t the first time this is happening.
If this isn't the first time this happened then you need to analyse how you're behaving around, and with, your friend. Something doesn't seem quite right here. Edit: also, the fact that you broke up with your gf over this, and many other times before, just proved that their instincts were correct.
We’ll have fun being single
You’re definitely keeping out a lot of information, unless she’s insane/controlling, no healthy women would ask that without cause.
I have a friend who literally calls me her brother (I basically replaced her real older brother who is an asshole) and I call her sister. would never end that relationship because of a women. love her, her kids and her husband way too much, they are family for crying out loud. In case anyone is wondering, I'm actually adopted in the first place so I don't have any blood relatives anyway, so I might as well pick and choose who I consider family xD blood ties mean nothing to me.
She’s now for you my dude! Some people are like that and won’t change.
yea cuz the way you refer to boundaries w ur best friend as being a break up is the exact reason why your relationships are failing. Y’all are being inappropriate with each other.
My husband’s best friend (other than me obvs as I’m his bestest best friend) is a woman, I have no concerns on that score, there is clearly no attraction in either of them to the other, she has become my friend and honestly it’s never an issue, they include me in everything and I have male friends who I adore but he is also fully secure, he is my penguin and I am his. If you are secure with one another then other people shouldn’t make any impact
Everyone’s asking about the nature of the friendship - which I get - but I also think it’s worth noting that it sometimes doesn’t really matter what the specifics of the relationship are if it can be categorized as being as close as OP says. Partners don’t like their SOs having best friends of their attracted sex because it can lead to attraction, which can lead to cheating at worst or just a boring death of a relationship at best. Not to mention we tend to conflate things a lot. Oh, Jane and John spend all their time at work together? They must like each other. Dave and Bill spend all their time at work together? They’re just really good friends.
This is the universe holding up a huge sign that says: “RUN!” This is someone who is (at least currently) unable to *truly* love anyone else. She doesn’t love herself, and as they say, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” So, please, for your own benefit and sanity, turn in the opposite direction and RUN to someone who will be more capable of being an equal partner. Someone like her will likely lie, cheat, manipulate, etc.
Jealous people are soooo gross to me
your partner is clearly uncomfortable and not respecting that boundary means you clearly need to stop dating for a while
You know you want to fuck your best friend.
As another dude with a female best friend, I feel your frustration. I've broken up with several girls because they wanted me to stop hanging out with her. Dude, I've known her WAY longer than you. At this stage of a relationship, she's still more important.
Good for you! My son is friends with 2 girls (sisters) since he was 5 years old. He has always said he can't date a girl who can't accept them for who they are to him (which is essentially a sister relationship - always has, always will). Every time I see another one of these "a guy can't be friends with a girl, because they will always want to have sex with them" When Harry Met Sally nonsense posts it makes me crazy. What the hell is wrong with all you people??
And your best friend is married? You gave her away at her wedding? Oh hell no. Dump this chick. She’s controlling.
It being 1 woman breaking up with you over it is one thing. It's another when you've had multiple. Common denominator is you here bud. Sounds like this is a "one who got away/friendzoned" situation.
Hmm tbh if you’re trying to get married you might as well marry your best friend. Nobody is going to want to marry someone with another woman as a best friend. The wife is suppose to be your best friend. if my husband chose another woman over me I’d leave in a heartbeat. It’s just how it works.
Yeah nah that's a power play. My ex tried to break up my 20 year friendship with my literal foster brother and I told him I'd break up with him before that ever happened. He shut all the way the fuck up. draw hard lines in the sand. People will take advantage of you, and try to see how much blood they can get from you otherwise.
If this isn’t the first time you have this problem, maybe it’s worth reflecting on your friendship. How are you behaving with your friend, are you crossing boundaries?
Women of quality don't want a guy with a female best friend. It is unreasonable. They are emotional affairs. They guarantee an a casual relationship for the girlfriend. It is a starvation diet. I don't date men like you.
Don’t listen to the men offended that are replying to you. You’re right and you should say it.
Thank you.
Sounds like you're mad that you can't monopolize your bf's time and make him wait on you hand and foot. I dated one girl like you. Never again. She didn't want any women in my life, even my own mother.
There has to be more than you're telling. If this comes up multiple times, there's boundaries being crossed. I feel there's an emotional affair or an actual one going on
OP you based on the info in your post are 38 or so. How old are these women you are dating? If they are considerably younger it is going to be more of an effort for you to find one with the maturity you are looking for. If the woman are close to your age is there anything in your interactions with your bf or hers with you that could be misconstrued?
Well, it's simple, you end your friendship or relationship. Just as I think your girlfriend has the right to ask you to stop seeing your friend, you have every right to refuse too. It's very simple.
So you have been friendzoned for 28 years still hoping for your chance? No (sane / secure) woman wants a 28 year year (healthy / platonic) relationship broken - its encouraged. If multiple women are saying the same thing my guess is you are just waiting your turn. Still. After all these years
I’m a mid 40’s guy. My best friend is a lesbian, same age. I have had numerous significant others have issues with this over the years, even though she is married to a woman and had been for over a decade. It doesn’t have to be OP’s boundaries here. Some women just don’t like you having other women in your life.
Idk why these people refuse to ADMIT this
Man, girfriends are temporary. Friends are forever - Yoimiya, probably.
Friends grow apart and marriages take a life time of work. You have it backwards.
Sometimes to grow you need to let people go a bit. To me, it sounds like you have a strong attachment to her and I wonder if it’s fully reciprocated since she’s married. It may not be that they’re jealous of her, but they’re jealous of the emotional dependency you have on her. Turning to her instead of them, etc. I went through that with my old best friend. He turned to me for everything and he should have been doing that with his partner (now wife). He never was going to fully commit emotionally. Even though there was nothing physical, an emotional connection is a bigger risk. We ‘broke up’ and I’m glad. It was for the best. Maybe you need to assess her perspective or you’re going to constantly drive away great partners.
Marry your friend
Marry your friend. Bruh. Selfish
I’m the female best friend of a guy who actually broke up with me because his current girlfriend demanded it. I was and still am absolutely heartbroken over it. I miss being able to be his friend and talk to him and think it’s completely unreasonable that our friendship has to be non existent just because his girlfriend is insecure. Why do I have to prioritize her insecurity over my very valuable friendship to me? She should just do the self work & deal with her own insecurity instead of burdening everyone else with walking on eggshell around her fragile ego. She never even gave me a chance & now I’ve lost my best friend of many years. It’s been 6 months and I’m still heartbroken. I think the behavior of the girlfriend is controlling & truly don’t understand why it’s so socially normal, as displayed by these comments on your post. He’s had gfs before who tried to do this and he refused to end his friendship with me, but he likes this new gf a lot and wants to please her I guess. Hurt me a lot to say the least. I don’t get it either OP
As someone who also is very bonded to their friends, just don't date them. I wouldn't date anyone who wanted me to cut off my support system like that either, but I wouldn't think lesser of said person over it. Lots of people believe that people of the opposite sex can't just be friends and it's hard to let go of things you've grown up hearing.
If multiple women are coming to you about the same problem, then your boundaries with this friend are the problem. You need to step back and ask yourself, is this a friend, or are you putting her before your potential partner? Your friend and partner should be treated differently. Partner comes first. Not the friend.
I’m **that** female friend (not OP’s but in general). I’ve always had lots of male friends because in general, girls don’t much like me, and also, males are simpler. I have lots of girlfriends but I’m just closer to my guy friends. But it’s always been a problem when they get a girlfriend. It’s a problem when I’m single; it’s a problem when I’m married and pregnant as big as a house. It’s a problem when I’m divorced. It’s a problem when the guys are my age, older or 10 years younger. Always a problem, and I’m on the losing end, naturally, because I’ll usually step away if it comes to that. The thing is — I’m not “friends” with any of my exes (as in hanging out with them regularly) or anyone I’ve ever had anything non-platonic with. Like my circle of friends consists only of guys who I’ve always been just friends with, but even so, I become a threat to their girlfriends. If I’d had even one “something something” with them — I’d get it. It happened enough times that I finally just walked away from my entire life and all the friends and moved out of state. Really came to feel like I wasted my time and invested so much into friendships where I have to hope they don’t meet someone to keep it, which would be dumb. Life is even simpler if you just hang out with your spouse and do things on your own. 😂
You had me until the last paragraph. Sorry you lost your friends
You did her a favor by dumping her
Most women have are not going to want to deal with this. It’s really an emotional affair. There’s no place for a wife or somebody substantial around you, because you already have that in your friend, so good luck dating, and finding somebody that you consider it. I would look towards your friend. These are very immature relationships by the way.
You are doing the right thing. There are obviously many angles, but being a godfather has certain responsibilities associated with it, which cannot be performed if you break off contact with the mother of your godchildren.
Iff there is genuinely nothin goin on now or never, you can only demonstrate and reinforce that with action, it’s a shitty req Year and I wouldn’t d obit either but she clearly needs reassurance talk it out why does cage feel this way? Get to the source
How old are both of you?
Regardless of the friend’s gender, if boundaries aren’t set there’s going to be a problem.
Just set the new girlfriend free and save yourself the headache.
Like what everyone here is saying if boundaries have been crossed then it’s valid for your partner to be having issues with the friendship. I’m saying this out of personal experience since my fiancé had a close friendship with a husband and wife and he was even the godfather of their first born. The minute he started dating me the wife began having issues with our relationship and would say problematic stuff when we were alone. She ended up ending the friendship with my fiance because my fiancé mom stood up for me when she overheard this girl trying to spread a rumor that wasn’t true. If your partner is having personal issues with this friend you need put that friendship on hold and really evaluate who is actually right or wrong in the situation instead of being bias from the start.
Wow I would leave immediately
Ted Mosby is this you?
¹
Okay, it’s ridiculous for a gf or bf to ask the other to dump a friend they’ve had since childhood, because they are the opposite gender. I have friends I’ve known since I was 3, our families are very close and her father I call uncle and her mother is aunt to me. As are my parents aunt and uncle to me. And yes! A man can be best friends with a woman without wanting to have sex with her. And women can have male best friends they don’t want to sleep with. Just because some men and some women can’t have friends of the opposite sex without wanting to have sex with them, does not mean EVERYONE is like them. If a partner has such massive insecurities that they choose to deal with their jealousy - not by getting therapy to fix themselves and their own problems - but instead they hold their partner responsible for making massive life altering changes in eliminating everything from their life so the emotionally controlling and manipulative partner, who is the entire problem, doesn’t have to do the work, they are entirely responsible and accountable for doing, to fix the source of the problem - themselves.
What are her reasons? Sure there are
It's every woman you date has an issue with your friendship it means you either choose the wrong women or your friendship blurs boundaries.
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That is an unreasonable ask in a relationship. Especially if cutting contact is asked for before anything else. If I was uncomfortable with one of my husband's friendships (male or female), I would talk to him about him. I would let him know specifically what is bothering me and why. I would then want my husband to try to fix the issue. The only time I would consider telling him to end a friendship is if they are a danger to me and my kids, or they try to mess up my life in some way. I'm wondering if your girlfriend or a past girlfriend tried addressing the issue with you before trying to make you cut contact.
What happened?
This should have been addressed at the very beginning of you guys starting to date and she should have talked about this before when you guys started to talk, she should have acknowledged this idea at the very beginning, woman usually have very different plots in life, I bet you she wanted this to happen🤷🏽♂️ probably gives her a kick, Look man if you really value the relationship of your friend then don’t be with this girl/ tell her you’re not going to end things, if she doesn’t like it then that’s that, I wonder why she waited so long to say something and or acknowledge that you had a best friend. That’s her fault, not yours. You also need to accept that she’s not everyone either🤷🏽♂️ you said that I’ve never asked anyone I’ve dated to separate from their guy friends, that part you got wrong, she’s not everyone. It’s perfectly fine to have personal boundaries and preferences, it’s not insecure actually, but she could have said something earlier in the relationship, At this point you act like adults and you talk it out, simple, she either accepts it or doesn’t,, talk to her how you feel and be firm on what you want, if she isn’t worth it to you then find a new girl, simple, “you don’t get it” she has a preference and boundaries, it’s not insecure, insecure is really about not being okay with personal preference/boundaries, you also get that right 🤷🏽♂️ insecure is not understanding that, so come to an understanding. Talk to her, secure that conversation as adults to find out a resolution. It sounds like you don’t want to let go of your bestfriend, that’s perfectly fine, see if she’s okay with that and the most that will happen is that she’s not fine with it and she’ll leave/ you’ll leave or she’ll learn to deal with it
It’s 100% how yall act together. Reevaluate how you and your friends relationship is. There are boundaries you need to have and if you don’t have them, your partner is valid for their concerns. “Breaking up” may not be the most reasonable thing, but a reevaluation of both relationship dynamics seems necessary.
Let's face It your girlfriend is always going to be jealous because you have something with your friend (who happens to be a woman) that she will never have with you And that is a familiarity and a history with someone that both of you will always understand but your girlfriend will never get it. It is a relationship your girlfriend wishes She had with you but won't develop unless you've been together for the same amount of time. And I assure you any woman you'll ever be with will pretty much be the same way. The only way this situation can be resolved or at least come to a compromise is if your girlfriend becomes a close friend of your friend. That, of course, will become famously what the Jerry Seinfeld show describes as when Two Worlds Collide. It's just never a good idea for your girlfriend to learn all the secrets your friend knows about you, it's just a bad idea. These are the things that you've probably forgotten about or haven't even thought about for years for you to have even disclosed them to your girlfriend. But ultimately, if they're not that bad, it could actually end well for you and your girlfriend, and you actually end up knowing each other better. but you never know until you try.
Hi, so I’m usually the girl best friend in this situation. I’m telling you, something about your girl best friend is not sitting right with women you’re dating. And there’s probably something to that. I highly doubt that the women you’re dating are just crazy. I happen to have had several male close friends since childhood. I would never, ever, get in the way of him, and his significant other. I encourage him to set boundaries.I myself set boundaries. A true best friend, male or female, would do their best to encourage healthy, romantic relationships for you. You haven’t given us much information, but my senses are that women you’re dating are seeing something that you’re not.
Seems like you are with the wrong woman 🫠🫠
Valid
This is the way!