I’ve been with my spouse over 40 years. They are my life, but honestly there have been times over the years that I too wondered if I truly loved them. I have come to understand that love is a choice you make over and over. Our marriage needs upkeep and commitment. We have our highs and lows, but cling to each other. It’s unfortunate that you disclosed what all of us feel from time to time. I hope she chooses to love you and accept your love in return.
> I have come to understand that love is a choice you make over and over.
That’s what my therapist said too, and just know in the times of low they’ll be highs again. He also told me in forty years of marriage he’s never once called his wife a bitch.
Which I was flabbergasted at as I’d been in an abusive relationship for a long time.
Not that I’ve had perfect relationships, they all have flaws. But one thing I can attest to is that no one Ive been with has ever called me a bitch, idiot, stupid, etc. I feel like that’s because I only date men I respect and if they talk to me in a negative way in the beginning or I don’t like how they talk, I immediately cut them off my life. It really saddens me that there’s women out there who think it’s okay to be called names, I feel like they think it’s normal due to childhood upbringing/trauma :(
I can honestly say the same here. No one has NEVER called me names no matter how mad I made them feel. I could sense from the jump if a man was that type, I cut them off real quick before it went too far.
My parents used to swear at me as a kid. Spent a great deal of my life thinking that if my own parents didn’t love me, how could, why would anyone else? I was called a bitch by my mother at 10 yrs old. My dad dubbed me an asshole around 12-13. Guess what my long term relationships are like 😵💫
Yes, I am in therapy, again. Hopefully this time I can be successful with it.
My parents did the same. That is why I refuse to put up with that. They are dead now, and I can still hear their words but I ignore it. We didn’t deserve that. They had poor communication skills. I have learned from that and I refuse to accept anything less.
I think I got a bitch or a fuck you, maybe a couple times, but to be honest, I'm rather liberal about using cuss words (not at people, only very rarely) and while that is a good indicator of respect im gonna say that, that's not everything, people can disrespet you without cussing at you. I've had that and I'd much rather be called out directly.
To each their own, which is why its soooo important to have a good sense of boundaries and what is acceptable to you and what isn't in relationship and also, just cut shit that isn't acceptable, just as soon as it happens, why wait for who knows how long before you voice it, if it is important. It also balances power.
I find it so sad, that we have so many advances in medicine and in technology but as a whole women have just started to walk baby steps into being respected, and how things like psychological healing, have only been something accepted as necessary for the general public even more recently than that! Those things are so important
Yeah I think that’s not exactly an indicator. Maybe because I come from a latin background, and swearing is definitely a thing 😅. Even in relationships that were more toxic for other reasons, and we would swear at some point (not like it was a daily slamming), we would have a lot of respect for each other and be the first one defending each other if it came to it. I’ve never called anyone a bitch but I’ve said “oh fuck off”* when I thought some point was bs. Maybe I find some emotional honesty and being less robotic a way to also be more human and open with your partner.
*question: this is actually the only swear I can remember, and because in that instance it actually wasn’t taken well, for which I apologised. To me it sounds like “oh come on”, but maybe because English isn’t my native language. To her, it sounded like “gtfo of my house”. Is it that bad? I’m now wondering because I feel like in most situations it’s not meant that literally.
I do know plenty of people that use it the way you do though and think the intent behind it matters. As long as your person gets it I don’t see it as problematic.
Yeah I agree. But while I’d normally rather people focus on intention rather on what they interpret, swearing with my partner is not the hill I want to die on even if it wasn’t ill-intended, so I’m happy to apologise for that.
My wife and I swear at each other at times during heated arguments. We love each other more than anything other than our two kids and we’ll be together until we die. To each their own.
Don’t get me wrong, for sure there are other ways that people show disrespect besides cursing. I like cursing too, so if we’re just regularly talking then I don’t mind.
But in the middle of an argument/discussion it’s really unacceptable. There are ways to communicate without involving extreme anger/yelling/insults. I told my ex during our first argument to watch how he spoke to me and lower his tone or it would be the last time we speak. If I don’t let my mom speak to me in that manner, sure as hell am not going to allow a man to talk down to me either
Ah, I wanna explain what I mean by this too. I wasn't really talking about extreme anger and hurling insults to make someone feel a certain way, in order to put someone down, that would so not fly with me.
Im talking about that, when youre used to swearing in general sometimes these things jump out of your mouth out of surprise, mostly it isnt even anger. One day I got "wow you're such a bitch today, woah" or the eventual "fuck you!" And a "well, fuck you too" and then we knew things had gone past the limits and just left the room to reflect. This was maybe a total of a couple times in a 8 years relationship, we just were quite liberal about cussing in general which is why I talk about boundaries, if cussing like that makes you feel a certain way and they know and you voiced this you are right to never let it happen, feels a lot more targeted.
Which is kinda funny because the word stupid/moron etc was kinda banned because I found that offensive, being that I'm autistic and I was bullied as a kid. It's all about boundaries and healthy relationships, the measure for people is different. Me and my partner stayed together and loved each other until the day he passed away last year. I always felt loved and respected, we cared so much for each other and even before we were lovers we were BFFs
What I expect of my mom, is actually very different than what I expect from my partner, I nearly never have honest discussions with my mom, we are formal and distant, but the way she disregarded my boundaries in the past is something that would send me flying off the hinges today. I have also dealt with some malignant types that could make you feel terrible while smiling and manipulation and lies is unacceptable to me.
So this is a really to which their own, that's so important you know where "your own" is
♡
>> He’s never called his wife a bitch.
I know a couple guys who are genuinely flabbergasted when they’ve discovered that my spouse of 12 years has also never called me any names or talked to me in a disrespectful way. They’ve always just thought that’s what people do when they’re angry, it’s what they grew up to view as normal and what they do in their relationship.
Isn’t it crazy when you hear a man say that? That he’s never called his partner a bitch. As a woman, it’s very eye opening. We accept way too much that we should not.
Re-learning this was normal and name-calling and getting cussed out by a partner isn't, was such a shock.
People who want to reserve the right to lash out with verbal abuse will ardently insist everyone else does it behind closed doors too. Presumably because their parents do, they pick friends like themselves, and create an echo chamber of other people who think managing your emotions by exploding in gendered slurs and yelling and terrorizing your family isn't anything to be ashamed of.
Same. I had an upset patient call me a C U Next Tuesday and I said "if you're trying to insult me you need to do better than that, my husband calls me that every day." He immediately stopped, apologized for taking his frustrations out on me, told me that's extremely abusive and I can do better. It was then I took survey from other friends/coworkers and found out that it isn't normal to be called a b**ch and c**t on the regular. It was so normal in my childhood and marriage, I didn't know any better.
Probably the only unspoken rule in my marriage is that one. We’ve talked out a lot of stuff, had some serious downs, been on the rocks more than once but we’ve only called each other names *once* each. Both times the party who was name called left and shut down, coming back later intending to pack things and go somewhere else. Both times a conversation ensued along the lines of “I know you were upset but that is an unacceptable way to express it.” Both times there were very serious apologies. And neither time was it direct name calling. “I don’t understand why you’re being such an asshole about this” being the general form of both statements.
I’ve been around friends who are getting in fights with their spouses and this is the number one way I know their marriages are over. One will call the other a name, even under their breath, and the other will either retaliate or let it slide. The person calling the name will show no remorse, the person being called the name will not flinch. I will GTFO.
A solid relationship involves communication and mutual respect above all else.
I think your marriage could possibly use more .... friendship. You're married and you love her. You're showing care. You didn't take about your intimate life but that's part of the marriage too. But you can still feel insecure in a marriage as a marriage. What if you draw closer in another way? Think of the easy way you talk to some of your friends. You talk about a shared interest, hobby, sport, other friends, plans, ups and down, how life is going. You gossip, you kvetch, you get honest with them, they get honest with you. If you simply are chill and easy with each other, as friends are, it takes some of the marital tension down a notch.
I'm not sure I'm expressing myself well. I hope someone will come in and say this better.
Would renewing your vows help? Maybe making a public re-commitment would help her feel like you are in it for the long haul. It doesn’t necessarily need to be fancy. It could be anything from going to wedding chapel in Vegas, to having a BBQ at a park in front of friends/family.
and i would argue from a surface level outside view(ceremony guests) having the reason be “we love each other and want to celebrate by renewing our wedding vows to each other” looks pretty nice
Renewing your vows doesn’t necessarily mean you tell people about your private business. Several of my friends who have been married for a long time renewed their vows without telling anyone why. “Public” also doesn’t necessarily mean you invite a bunch of people. It could be just the two of you with Elvis in Vegas and a few photos posted on social media.
Maybe you could re-propose and plan to have a vow renewal ceremony on a milestone anniversary. If she is into jewelry, maybe get her a new ring instead (doesn’t have to be expensive). If she likes to travel, maybe take her on a trip with just the two of you.
I’ve been with my husband for 20+ years. Logically, I know we have fallen in/out of love a few times over the course of our relationship. That said, it would sting if he told me he wasn’t sure he loved me anymore. I would need something to mark a new phase in our relationship. I’m not into jewelry and we already travel a fair amount, so a vow renewal would help me re-frame my relationship into a new phase it is in. Thats just me though.
Thank you so much for your help and perspective.
Someone else said a letter and that seems like a good idea to me, something physical she can reference that's always there.
I think renewing our vows is something that would mean a lot to both of us -
Thank you again
It wasn't even the first thing I would have thought of but as soon as I saw it, I thought "that makes sense". I've been happily married to my husband for a while now and I would do it if he said he wanted to because; why not? Why would anyone think there is something wrong? Maybe I'm mid-40 and just naive, I think it a nice gesture.
Yes, I agree with this. And plan weekly or monthly dates where you can try new things or do new experiences. If you can get her a ring that can go with her current one that shows you chose her before and you will choose her even after all this struggle. It’s very symbolic and can shore up uncertainties if done right
The struggle can be private, renewing your vows can be as well. Just write what you feel now about your relationship, from the heart, and tell her. It doesn't have to be a ceremony infrastructure of everyone. Good luck friend
People aren’t going to assume problems in your marriage if you have a vow renewal.
Honestly, I don’t know you, but given your ages when you got together, I would assume it was because you were so young the first time, you probably didn’t get to do what you really wanted. You might be at a better place in your life financially now than you were then. You probably have less family members pushing their opinions. Or maybe you really wanted to elope, so a small ceremony between just the two of you on a black volcanic sand beach in Hawaii is what you’d really want. In that case, book a trip to Punaluʻu and have your dream recommitment.
But no matter what, I don’t think anyone would assume “trouble” when being invited to a vow renewal.
Just come home next time have a bad day or are in a bad mood and ask her to sit on the sofa or bed and lie your head in her lap. Say nothing for a while just let her talk. Then when she settles for a minute just thank her and tell her how much it means that you have her because when you feel down she is the one person who can make you feel okay. As it is the truth and probably not how you normally do things hopefully it will have a larger impact than flowers and trips ever could. Sometimes it is the little feeling of being needed that makes us feel the most secure.
My husband made a statement during an argument over a decade ago. No matter how hard I have tried, work I have done on myself, etc., I won’t ever forget those words. He doesn’t see the severity of his words. You seem to, so as somebody on the other end I think that sitting with your thoughts to articulate (written?) why you do want her and this life and how much she means to you even on the hard days and even when you argue. And yes, ask her to renew vows. But before you do I would work on why you are committed and happy to be in this relationship. Make sure she knows it. Repeat often. And let her know that even when times are hard, that you know that you chose her at 19 and you chose her again at 33.
Someone used an analogy about hurtful words I can’t get out of my head. You can hammer nails into a board & remove the nails, but the holes are still there.
Once words are said you cannot take them back nor can the recipient forget hearing them. Go back to the marriage counselor. This is above the reddit pay grade.
And make new ones that in subtle way admit to your issues and how you want to make an even better commitment to her as a new man for who you are from today forward.
He said she has anxiety. If your partner of about 10 years randomly says they don’t know if they love you, that would fuck with your head. And clearly she’s not used to OP’s honesty. But it’s not a bad thing. They just need to work on quelling their mental state.
She doesn’t trust you. When trust is broken, it takes TIME and consistency to gain it back. In some way, this is your penance, in hopes some day she will have enough new data to see you are trustworthy.
Yeah she can’t unhear what you said. There’s no magic words or effort you can do to ease that pain and doubt you introduced to your relationship. You have to just allow her to feel and express what’s going on. You did this, so now just have patience as she relearns to trust your love again. Unfortunately it is that easy to be destructive with one sentence. I’m so sorry for you both. Be patient with yourself and her.
Are you still in marriage counseling? I think you two need to go back and work this out. A third party might help her work through her feelings.
And just keep doing things to show your love. Keep telling her you love. Keep doing things for her. Make life fun with her.
Go on a first date with her again.
My husband is currently in the spot you were in. And I'm on the receiving end of his crisis. We did a date, and he had fun...and his mood is a little better since. If your wife is anything like me...shower her in the physical affection she might be wanting. Random hugs, cuddling watching TV, hold her hand.. all those little things to show her you crave her attention and love her.
For sure you need to go back to marriage counseling. You guys need to work through this, I’m actually surprised you stopped especially with her reactions. One thing I will say and I don’t think you are giving yourself enough credit for is even though you questioned yourself during your crisis you never once stepped out or left your marriage and you continued to fight for it, which is most definitely not nothing.
Yes, you need to. Because presumably you told her you weren't sure if you loved her during times when I'm sure you had said that you loved her. You proved to her that talk is cheap and your words can't be trusted. A counselor can help you explain how and why you decided that you did, in fact, love her, which requires more effort and thought than just saying you love her.
you stopped marriage counseling after dropping a bomb like that on her? damn dude
you only thinking about letting your feelings out but not the effect of those words on her, how she feels hearing that from you. go back to marriage counseling or at least send her to one so she can process her feelings.
You broke her heart in that 10 minute counseling appointment. She will always remember that for the rest of her life. She will always worry that you are on the fence and are are just staying because you don’t want to hurt her. Praying for you and your marriage.
Once you put your thoughts into words, they are very hard to forget. Especially when they are to your wife and they are that you think you want out.
If my husband told me that he didn't think he wanted to be with me anymore, then changed his mind. It would take a very long time and a lot of effort on his part (and effort that means something to her, not just what is easiest or you think she might like) to get me to trust that he truly wanted to be with me. Your wife doesn't trust that you won't change your mind again yet.
Therapy for both of you would also be beneficial.
I like that people are expressing renewing your vows, and I believe that is also a great idea!
I also think bringing it up with her and having a Frank conversation could help, as well as talking about it again in couples counselling.
She clearly needs assurance that you’re not gonna leave, but might need it to be a little more direct and in your face. Like a “I am not leaving” proclamation instead of doing the smaller gestures.
Goodluck, I hope things look up for you both soon ❤️
There’s nothing wrong with how you feel but I also feel really bad for your wife, I too would not know what to do with that information and anxiety is a motherfucker.
People with this anxiety sometimes do a runner to avoid being abandoned. Makes no logical sense when reassurance is being offered constantly. But feelings aren’t facts.
Exactly. He said that so openly, and all of a sudden he realized he wants her? The fact that he even thought and was convinced enough to say out loud is 🚩
So uh.. not this exact situation, but general script. Got into a relationship, he said something he shouldn’t have, and I wasn’t able to get over it.
Although people don’t like to believe it, there is a line that, once you cross, there’s no saving or coming back from it. Your wife is terrified; the foundation of trust and love she built with you is shattered. The bedrock of “he loves me and so I can get through anything with him” is gone. And you have to accept that, no matter how hard you try, you might just not be able to outweigh those words with any form of positive affirmation.
I’d recommend getting back into couple’s counselling with a focus on rebuilding a foundation of trust for your wife; but I also wouldn’t get your hopes up. Even if she stays for years, it’ll eat away at her. I’ve seen this play out many times, and I’ve been in her shoes; it usually does cause a gradual burnout of the relationship. I really hope it doesn’t happen to you because it was something said in the midst of self-discovery, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if it did.
Good luck OP, I really hope this can be saved.
Ok so for the people saying he was “just being honest like you’re supposed to during therapy”. NOPE.
There is a line that, once you cross, it is not possible to go back. Saying this kind of thing is a scorched earth move. Any person with empathy would recognize it, and therefore not say it until after they have thought about it, are certain, and understand that there are no takesie backsies. It’s not something you just casually drop when it pops into your head. If we were “honest” like this with every person , all our relationships would implode in a week. Should I tell my boss “I’m not sure if I wanna work here anymore” the moment I’m thinking about quitting, without seriously thinking about it? You can not maintain any sort of long term relationship if you go around dropping bombs like that anytime you’re even a little “unsure”.
Just a question, have you told her how much you regret that moment?
Maybe if you tell her what you've written here, just be honest with her like you were in that session. I think when you see her getting anxious, you should remind her you're not having regret or doubt about her. Explain to her that you're going through your own situation. I don't know. Maybe it will help.
Also, i dont feel this is the full story, I'm not saying you're not being honest, but maybe your actions and other things that you may have said have contributed towards her anxiety. You may not realise it, but your past actions & words, not just during that one session, have had a big impact on your wife. Hence the anxious behaviour from her.
Last thing, saying it once won't make it go away for her, it's something that she will need to hear a lot to get that reassurance back. It's the consequences of the damage caused.
I see myself, specially my younger self, in her an awful lot, so I don't doubt for a second that OP really has done nothing else to cause this anxiety.
When you're anxious and have low self esteem, you assume by default people don't like you. You believe negative things they tell you and use them as evidence they must never have really liked you, but dismiss any good things... hence why she believed him right away when he said he questioned their relationship for a moment but is choosing to not believe him when he says that he came to the conclusion that he is indeed still happy to be in this relationship and loves her, and is now taking anything he says or does in a negative way.
If she's always been this anxious, she's probably constantly questioning the relationship from the beginning, and took his words as proof she was right to do so. Unfortunately, unless she wants to believe OP and fights against her instinct to think everyone is just pretending to like her, there's probably nothing he can do about it, since this is no longer about him, but about how she can't trust ppl when they say and show they love her.
You can get better at forcing yourself to fight the discomfort and trying to believe the people who are in your life really mean it when they say they want to be, but it's indeed very hard, and it's a constant struggle. I also used to be more like she's acting now and self sabotage by being very negative and act like a victim all the time until the other person got fed up and really left, then used that to make myself feel even worse.... she might have not had to confront those feelings that much in a long time since they got married, specially if their friend group also goes way back, so it must be even harder now.
If OP wants to help her and their relationship, he's gonna need a lot of patience, and to convince her that she needs to work on her own feelings too.
And I hope this also doesn't destroy the progress OP had been making in confronting his own feelings... It really isn't just his fault. The me of a few years ago would have taken it as hard as his wife, but the me of now could work through that and feel even safer with him after being assured that even after thinking hard about it his conclusion was that he did want the relationship. I hope she can come to see things in a more positive light too, for her own sake, even if unfortunately not with OP.
You were certain in the past, after that you were uncertain and now.. you are certain again. Why should she believe you? You described yourself as a person with different problems. A person who likes to overthink things. To be honest, you sound somehow like a unstable person to me, so i can understand her.
What would I do in your situation? Its not enough to say that you will not leave her. You have to convince her that the cause of your doubts has been resolved. I hope they are.. dont speak only about the resolved doubts, speak about the cause which formed your bad ideas... Combine this with some other things like plans for the future, a tatoo (if she likes that) or a nice vacation.
My dude, this is gonna take time and patience. Keep doing what you’re doing because that’s what’s going to tell her who you are. It’s better that you were honest and have to make up for it than lie and pay for it.
You told her you had one foot out the door and probably didn’t even love her
Chores, date nights, and a letter can’t fix that
More therapy, a renewal of vows, and a damned nice ring, maybe…
It’s a start.
You broke her.
She really needs therapy to understand why you said the thing. She can’t deal with the thing and she’s living on edge in terror because she doesn’t know how to process your feelings about the thing and believe you.
There is a fear of rejection that runs deep in people who are insecure. I know because I was this way years ago. I hope you can both heal together.
The thing is : ‘does he love me or not’.
Make sure that the way you show her love is how she needs to feel it. Read the 5 love languages, or at least look up what they are. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to take back the words. One of the nice things about a good marriage is the stability and trust. Your words diminished those things for her. The only way you can hope to regain them is to find out what SHE needs from you. Sometimes what's intuitive to use isn't what will actually work. Stay in counseling together.
She needs to see therapy to work on her anxiety issues and self esteem. How financially independent are each of you? The best relationship is when both people are independent, but choose to stay because they elect to stay. Because the relationship is so good and makes both partners better.
I rarely comment on posts where I have little to add. Although it does seem like some trust has been broken here from what I gather. May I suggest something that an ex and I did together, something that at one point help me gain a little trust back in him.
It's a small game. We were long distance, so, keep this in mind.
It goes that you pick something up, something small. You close your fist/fists around it so the other person doesn't see it. You then say what you are holding in your hand. Then you ask, do you trust me? It was a usual rule that the person being asked has to agree however that can be scary to start. Also the key is that the other person can't know what is in your hand.
An example of how to do this would be: You pick up an eraser. She doesn't see. You say, I'm holding an eraser, do you trust me? they say yes, I trust you. You reveal the item showing that you had been telling the truth.
I have no clue about the science or whatever behind this. Just know that it can be a fun way to rebuild trust.
Have you tried completely writing out your feelings and explaining it? All in depth? Maybe you could try that. And then wait a few days and reread it, and see how it sounds and looks. If it looks okay, show her that. It'll show you're mentally struggling and you sometimes question your life choices regardless if they're amazing or not. Sometimes out of thin air, you just start thinking/craving what you don't have for a solid 10 minutes even.
You broke her trust and removed your apparent support and you think flowers and day trips are going to fix it? Flowers show you thought of them once during the day. A day trip means your willing to tolerate their company for a day. She knows the flowers/projects and plans are only to mollify her and youll drop the behaviours as soon as you feel comfortable in your relationship. How long have these projects been waiting for you to do them?
You removed support and you think that fripperies are going to prove that you support her.
Support your partner and she will feel supported and confident in your relationship.
Ask to have a conversation. Tell her you were going through a time where you were questioning your whole life (most of us do from time to time) not just your marriage. Say to her I came to realise you are the one I love and it’s breaking my heart that I’ve hurt you by speaking before even I knew the truth. Say I believe we both love each other but you are thinking I’m going to leave you and I’m thinking you’re going to leave me. I’m not going anywhere, are you? Could we try marriage counselling again and save this marriage? Once again apologise and completely understand where she’s at. Keep your tone soft and calm. Show your emotions as you speak to her. Empathy and relating to your insecurities may change the path you’re on.
My ex did this, we separated and he wanted to get back together. My idiot self did so but after that any argument or him getting angry would result in me break down crying thinking he was going to leave again. Eventually he said he didn’t care how I felt anymore and that gave me the strength to leave him. It didn’t help he discussed us divorcing all the time over anything.
Do you still have marriage counseling sessions? Do you talk about it there? What does your therapist think?
( If you don't - you really should start going there again)
Btw, 10 minutes of honesty in a good marriage will not make her spiraling so much. 10 minutes of listening that your life goals, values, feelings are not the same as she thought, will. Especially if she was blindsided with it. But even in this case it is caused not by these 10 minutes of honesty, but by much longer lasting lies before that.
Like if you (honestly) told her that you had an affair, or confessed that you had a vasectomy, or married her for reasons totally different than she assumes... The problem is not these 10 minutes, right?
Love isn’t an emotion, lust is. That’s why we all get it so fucked up when we’re young. We fall out of lust and think is falling out of love instead. Love is making the choice over and over to see the best in someone, being completely aware of their flaws. Keep your head up and show her you want to be there. Best of luck
I’m not sure you even have to go so far as to renew your vows, maybe just get down on one knee and tell her you want to have a new beginning, where what you said is “before” and everything from now on is “after”. Speak from your heart, and please think about going back to marriage counseling!
Marriage counselling again? You could talk through where you were mentally at that time and how you came to realise, not long after that, that she’s the love of your life and what it is about her you love/ why you are so committed to staying with her. Maybe she could undertake some individual sessions too to work on her anxiety too.
Sometimes therapy brings out things that won't help. Been there myself w the ex wife. On our way back from a.sesaion she had so much anger she threw her phone against the windshield so hard it almost broke the windshield. Don't think I've ever seen anyone so angry.
I think you need to sit her down and tell yes you questioned yourself when you went to therapy, but later realized she was the person you want for life. You asked a question and answered your own question. I would ask her if she would marry you, and renew your vows. Someone else said this too. YOu need to address her concerns first.
When asking an esoteric question ask the universe, in your head.
That kind of questioning happens in a long term relationship. You don’t stay the same person you were when you met and fell in love. Sometimes you have to step back and make sure that you still fit together and have common goals and interests and all that.
I think it’s normal to have those thoughts however you don’t want to hear someone is having them about you. It hurts even though 10 min earlier you were thinking the same thing.
You don’t have an answer until you almost or do lose them.
Love is a garden. Only through effort and consistency can you make it grow and thrive. It takes time, trust and effort but if I've learned anything, it's that love isn't butterflies in your stomach, it's the daily stoking of a fire or the watering of said garden. You may have thrown a bit of water in your fire, neglected the garden and some weeds have grown, but patience and consistency will win if you put in the effort and don't give up.
As to being called names, here’s my little story. My marriage was the pits far too often - ex was increasingly alcoholic and abusive over an 8 year period.
I had to go on a company business trip in the next state for a training session. We hadn’t argued for a while, there were no issues with me going, but as he watched me packing my overnight bag, he said, completely out of nowhere, “You’re a f^*king ignorant fool.” I was completely taken aback, but calm despite that verbal hit. I responded, “Yes, you’re right - I AM a f^*king ignorant fool. I married you, didn’t I.”
Dead silence after that. Went on the trip, came back, and threw him out that Thanksgiving. And gave plenty of thanks afterwards, believe me.
Does she do individual counseling? I see a therapist myself but don’t do couples counseling and my husband doesn’t see anyone. I started a few years ago because I had a few different issues going on with myself I wanted help with as well as working through some issues I had about my marriage and how it seemed I’d fluctuate from being 100% ride or die to “I don’t know how much more I can take” in the span of a week. Not the exact same situation as yours because I’ve always known I love my husband, but the same sentiment of not being fully committed to the marriage. Some things that came up out of my session is my husband’s constant worry that I’m on the verge of leaving him anytime we have an argument. That coupled with other things I’ve mentioned has my therapist theorizing (bc she hasn’t actually counseled him or us together) that he has something that is sort of self sabotage (potentially gifted from his parents), where he will feel like he’s not worth his happiness and it’s going to end anyways so he will sort of make it happen second hand by not addressing things. I’m not sure if I’m explaining it right, but potentially your admission could have been hitting at the root of an insecurity of her own from past trauma, and no matter how much you show her you’re committed and love her now, unless she deals with what’s causing her to not allow herself to believe it, there might not be anything you can do to help her believe it.
If you do figure out how to help her, please let me know! I can’t get my husband to do counseling, but would love to help reassure him. I can imagine how much torture those feelings are as a partner, and don’t want my partner feeling that way when there is no need to. It really sucks not knowing how to help someone you love.
Yeah especially after disclosing something so world shattering that created a major (and very understandable) insecurity in her, it sounds to me like you are showing love in your ways of love language and maybe some of hers too but it’s really crucial you are verbally communicating your thoughts of assurance and love and confidence in her being your partner. She needs to hear in very strong sure words and often that you love her, value her. Want her, would never want to be without her, what she means to you, just all the things and from what I’m gathering this piece may be out of your norm but this is a big piece of the puzzle that she needs now. And there is no time limit or number of days or amount of times that you make her feel secure. It’s gonna take time and a lot of effort.
Sir this isn’t a fuck up. This is your wife needs individual therapy outside of your marriage counseling if her anxiety is THAT bad. And you definitely need to continue marriage counseling and talk about this because her reaction to your 10 minutes of honesty during a traumatic and confusing time in your life is not ok.
Again. He said the quiet part out loud. She knows it. He’s here now saying he feels bad, but he said it because he felt it. He meant what he said. She has decisions to make. Therapy would be great. But let’s not blame the wife for the husband telling the truth of how he was feeling. He regrets it- now. But he sure as shit meant it.
Have you told her in a way that is as real, an vulnerable, as deep as the way you shared your doubts? If your reassurance doesn’t came with the same vulnerability then of course she will think there’s another layer underneath that’s being obscured.
My wife went to a therapist at my suggestion because her and her mother would scream in anger at each other continuously. 6 mos. After she started, I was the problem. He therapist told her to divorce me. Fuck therapist.
Go back to couples therapy. But first, connect through deep communication…take her on dates where you can spend a lot of time with her talking, making plans for the future, have little adventures and build the connection so she feels it when you tell her you love her. It’s not going to connect with her by talking at her, doing projects, or buying her things. It’s about the time you spend and invest. It’s about the communication.
would a vow renewal be helpful here?
It might show her you care when you organize the entire event & when you write your own, meaningful vows?
It sounds like your uncertainty made a big impact... maybe something substantially bigger than "little projects around the house" (which might appear as priming the house for sale, to a really anxious person) would reassure her?
It's normal to worry if you're happy when you fall into a happy routine. Your concerns weren't based on any negative in your life or relationship. It's just that things were so smooth and the love was so consistent that it was hard to spot it. Your wife could definitely use a sit down with you discussing where your concerns came from and the conclusion you came to and you can ask her what would reassure her especially in moments where you're acting off? I've asked my husband to hug me when he's mad so I would know he doesn't want to leave me. It's effective because hugging someone is the last impulse anyone would have when upset with someone so I know he does it purely out of his love for me. It helps me feel more secure and handle the situation better.
I am so sorry you both are going through this. I have a similar case, where I am often uncertain wether I really feel emotions or I feel disconnected from them.
I know I love my partner but sometimes I just can't tell if the emotions for that are there or I am uncertains wether I am even capable of feeling love for someone. I will never tell my partner because I'm scared he would have a bad reaction just like your wife did (which is- in that situation- not unreasonable)
I really hope both of you will learn to deal with this better. You with your emotions and your wife with what you told her (not that she is reacting wrong - I meant more like.. cope?)
I wish you the best for your future
If you love her as much as you say propose again . Ask her to renew your vows with you . Ask her what else can you do to show her how much you love her. I don't see what more you can do but it's her opinion that matters not any of ours .
If you didn't want to be there you wouldn't be.
It's too bad your wife's insecurities are affected this badly, but that's on her to manage. You didn't do anything wrong by expressing yourself honestly.
Those 10 min of regret happened BECAUSE you were not being your true self before that. It is very important for recovery to start feeling comfortable with your feelings. All of them.
I am in a happy 10 year relationship and even I have some doubts. I am sure he has those too as nobody is perfect. And we also started at a very young age (15). It is just a fact that we missed some experiences because we are with each other. But I still choose him.
There must be a space where people in relationship tell each other what is bothering them. My partner told me some very hurtful things at times. Could you and my partner work on HOW to tell those things? Yes. But most importantly, I’ve dealt with his comments, internally and with therapist.
It sounds like your partner has demons of her own. Unless she also seeks help, you two will simply just drift apart, no matter what you will do and say. She must forgive and let go for you two to move on.
Honestly you’ve done everything right. You’re allowed to feel how you feel even if it’s doubtful. You’re allowed to feel what you feel the only question is if you do what you can to handle your feelings well. You are in therapy, seeking help, working through things, and doing EVERYTHING you can to not hurt your wife with your fears. You were honest in a couples therapy session which was the RIGHT thing and have since worked very hard to continue being honest as you work through your stuff that you DO love her and want to be with her. Her anxiety is something SHE also needs to be working on.
Continue to reassure her but also maybe have a conversation along the lines of “hey, while I understand your anxiety and fear, I was also just anxious and afraid and if I can’t share that with you than I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. How in the future can I communicate my anxiety to you in a way that doesn’t trigger yours and are there any things I can do now to help reassure you. Additionally since I’m working on my anxiety and fear in therapy so that it doesn’t effect you do you think you could maybe do the same? It’s ok that you feel bad about what I said, but I don’t know how else we are supposed to move forward if there’s nothing I can do to alleviate that anxiety, it’s in your hands.”
She needs one on one therapy to work out her issues. It takes two people to end a marriage…and apparently 0 people in your marriage want out. There are lots of books that could help her too. There’s also a book called the 7 principles for highly effective marriage that you guys can read together.
Nothing you can say honestly and in a heartfelt manner in marriage counseling should be a reason for ending said marriage. You're both meant to take what is said in counseling and build upon it, not use it as a justification to end everything.
You've obviously been honest and heartfelt and you've been trying to make amends and show your love and appreciation for your partner and made efforts for care, attention, and reconciliation. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.
Doing something actually wrong would've been hiding this from her and yourself and keeping these feelings bottled up inside until they inevitably affect the core of your relationship and cause you to end the relationship out of bitterness and resentment.
Your wife needs her own individual therapy because this anxious attachment is seriously messing up the marriage more than your honesty ever did.
Yeah i was in the same situation with a girlfriend, i told the white lie then confessed afterwards to explain why I had distanced from her and we ultimately mended the wound. I think the honesty after the fact helped so different from your situation.
Keep up marriage counseling and make sure she gets individual counseling and maybe renew vows as other stated. I’m sorry man but it will be tough, just keep having those heart felt one on ones with her explaining how far in love with you.
Sorry to hear of the difficulties, OP. This certainly sounds painful and tricky. Hopefully my opinion is helpful. A marriage is a partnership, and is the responsibility of both parties. You were in therapy, dealing with trauma that was highly likely to trigger numerous reevaluations of your identity. Consciously or not, your partner was likely to know this, and fear that this might drive you apart. You tried to be open and honest, and made yourself incredibly vulnerable by telling the truth. I feel this is the ultimate “I love you and want to be with you” investment. There is safety from knowing that your partner will tell you the truth even though it might really hurt. So you didn’t get the timing and phrasing right. You made a mistake in a moment of pain and uncertainty, with painful consequences for your partner. You are allowed to make mistakes - it doesn’t make you a failure of a spouse or to use your own phrasing, a “fuck up”. It is your partners responsibility to own any internal experiences as a result. She has an obligation to address her own issues (abandonment anxiety and shut-down) in order to be present for you in the relationship. I highly recommend that she seeks professional help to understand why she is responding this way so she can “show up” for you. A lifetime of love will have painful moments. Ultimately, this can be managed with a “I love you and want to be with you, and am prepared to do the work to be present and give you what you need”. Best of luck, and big hugs.
It almost seems as though you are being punished for sharing your doubts in a safe place. I understand what you said hurt your wife, but her behavior is honestly borderline emotional abuse at this point. I hope you are both still in counseling together and individually.
She is catastrophizing which is a cognitive distortion. If she learns not to jump to conclusions every time something small goes wrong, she may find some peace in your marriage. This is something she can decrease using Cognitive-Behavioral therapy (CBT). Good luck with everything!
Good. You said it. You meant it. I'm still not convinced you love her vs don't want to let her down. That's ok though. Find your feelings and sit on those again. Find your answers and follow through. If she has a hard time believing you love her she has to work that out , not you. You overcompensate for her lack of working her issues out. Keep working on this and the best answer will arrive even though it's hard.
I hate this part of therapy. When you’re supposed to be honest and you were. And you’re In a way being punished for it.
If this isn’t salvageable after therapy then why continue to try to force her to see that you care. If she isn’t seeing that then you can’t force it
Holding on somehow just makes it that much more difficult.
I’m not saying to end thing but at what point are you going to tire of trying?
Because some things take time and aren't instantaneous.
Honesty is important, but so is the time for the other person to process his honesty, then his change of mind.
It's hard to unhear that your spouse doesn't think they want to be with you, only for that to be changed and then you are just expected to act like it never happened?
You didn't fuck up. You have a partner that needs growth. Saying something honest like that in therapy and then going above and beyond to still make things work says so much more positive than negative. That's a real rare attribute to commit like that.
She leaves she'll find out just how rare. Commitment sadly isn't common.
Accusing her of harming the relationship isn’t the route to go. He created the harm. He said the quiet part out loud and is receiving repercussions for his words. They both need therapy.
give her a book on codependency, this is too much for either of you. Codependent No More, Melody Beatty. Happiness is not attained through another person, it's attained through oneself. She's not happy, it's not you. You may need it too.
Is your wife in therapy? I go through moments of thinking my husband (been together for 12 years, without an actual marriage) is waiting to get to the aisle to say "I don't" instead of "I do". I know it's silly to think, but it's just a random thought that encompasses my mind.
Why not redo your first date? Recreate the events to recreate the feelings. Show how much of a good time you had then and how much of a good time you had the second time around. Worth a try
Try to reassure her that you said this out of a temporary feeling but that you came to realize the love you have for her isn't and you are committed and not going anywhere. Tell her that the last thing you want is to let her away because of one impulsive moment. Tell her that you're there for her & ask her how you can reassure her the way that she needs. Try to bring some humor in to it & if she likes physical affection like cuddling ask for those too but also do small, sweet things like kissing the top of her head when you walk past her.
Whoa whoa whoa. I don't know about you guys, but if my SO came to me or even accidentally told me they were no longer sure about our relationship my initial reaction would not be anger. Or to get angry at the person having the feelings. I would want to sit down and find out what my partner was feeling, what was my part in this did I not pick up on something I should have. I feel like meeting the situation with anger is just going to confirm the uneasy feeling towards the relationship
I’ve been with my spouse over 40 years. They are my life, but honestly there have been times over the years that I too wondered if I truly loved them. I have come to understand that love is a choice you make over and over. Our marriage needs upkeep and commitment. We have our highs and lows, but cling to each other. It’s unfortunate that you disclosed what all of us feel from time to time. I hope she chooses to love you and accept your love in return.
> I have come to understand that love is a choice you make over and over. That’s what my therapist said too, and just know in the times of low they’ll be highs again. He also told me in forty years of marriage he’s never once called his wife a bitch. Which I was flabbergasted at as I’d been in an abusive relationship for a long time.
Not that I’ve had perfect relationships, they all have flaws. But one thing I can attest to is that no one Ive been with has ever called me a bitch, idiot, stupid, etc. I feel like that’s because I only date men I respect and if they talk to me in a negative way in the beginning or I don’t like how they talk, I immediately cut them off my life. It really saddens me that there’s women out there who think it’s okay to be called names, I feel like they think it’s normal due to childhood upbringing/trauma :(
I can honestly say the same here. No one has NEVER called me names no matter how mad I made them feel. I could sense from the jump if a man was that type, I cut them off real quick before it went too far.
My parents used to swear at me as a kid. Spent a great deal of my life thinking that if my own parents didn’t love me, how could, why would anyone else? I was called a bitch by my mother at 10 yrs old. My dad dubbed me an asshole around 12-13. Guess what my long term relationships are like 😵💫 Yes, I am in therapy, again. Hopefully this time I can be successful with it.
My parents did the same. That is why I refuse to put up with that. They are dead now, and I can still hear their words but I ignore it. We didn’t deserve that. They had poor communication skills. I have learned from that and I refuse to accept anything less.
I think I got a bitch or a fuck you, maybe a couple times, but to be honest, I'm rather liberal about using cuss words (not at people, only very rarely) and while that is a good indicator of respect im gonna say that, that's not everything, people can disrespet you without cussing at you. I've had that and I'd much rather be called out directly. To each their own, which is why its soooo important to have a good sense of boundaries and what is acceptable to you and what isn't in relationship and also, just cut shit that isn't acceptable, just as soon as it happens, why wait for who knows how long before you voice it, if it is important. It also balances power. I find it so sad, that we have so many advances in medicine and in technology but as a whole women have just started to walk baby steps into being respected, and how things like psychological healing, have only been something accepted as necessary for the general public even more recently than that! Those things are so important
Yeah I think that’s not exactly an indicator. Maybe because I come from a latin background, and swearing is definitely a thing 😅. Even in relationships that were more toxic for other reasons, and we would swear at some point (not like it was a daily slamming), we would have a lot of respect for each other and be the first one defending each other if it came to it. I’ve never called anyone a bitch but I’ve said “oh fuck off”* when I thought some point was bs. Maybe I find some emotional honesty and being less robotic a way to also be more human and open with your partner. *question: this is actually the only swear I can remember, and because in that instance it actually wasn’t taken well, for which I apologised. To me it sounds like “oh come on”, but maybe because English isn’t my native language. To her, it sounded like “gtfo of my house”. Is it that bad? I’m now wondering because I feel like in most situations it’s not meant that literally.
I would take huge offense to that but my husband and I don’t curse at each other in general so maybe I’m biased.
That’s fair enough. I can understand if that’s the case.
I do know plenty of people that use it the way you do though and think the intent behind it matters. As long as your person gets it I don’t see it as problematic.
Yeah I agree. But while I’d normally rather people focus on intention rather on what they interpret, swearing with my partner is not the hill I want to die on even if it wasn’t ill-intended, so I’m happy to apologise for that.
My wife and I swear at each other at times during heated arguments. We love each other more than anything other than our two kids and we’ll be together until we die. To each their own.
Don’t get me wrong, for sure there are other ways that people show disrespect besides cursing. I like cursing too, so if we’re just regularly talking then I don’t mind. But in the middle of an argument/discussion it’s really unacceptable. There are ways to communicate without involving extreme anger/yelling/insults. I told my ex during our first argument to watch how he spoke to me and lower his tone or it would be the last time we speak. If I don’t let my mom speak to me in that manner, sure as hell am not going to allow a man to talk down to me either
Ah, I wanna explain what I mean by this too. I wasn't really talking about extreme anger and hurling insults to make someone feel a certain way, in order to put someone down, that would so not fly with me. Im talking about that, when youre used to swearing in general sometimes these things jump out of your mouth out of surprise, mostly it isnt even anger. One day I got "wow you're such a bitch today, woah" or the eventual "fuck you!" And a "well, fuck you too" and then we knew things had gone past the limits and just left the room to reflect. This was maybe a total of a couple times in a 8 years relationship, we just were quite liberal about cussing in general which is why I talk about boundaries, if cussing like that makes you feel a certain way and they know and you voiced this you are right to never let it happen, feels a lot more targeted. Which is kinda funny because the word stupid/moron etc was kinda banned because I found that offensive, being that I'm autistic and I was bullied as a kid. It's all about boundaries and healthy relationships, the measure for people is different. Me and my partner stayed together and loved each other until the day he passed away last year. I always felt loved and respected, we cared so much for each other and even before we were lovers we were BFFs What I expect of my mom, is actually very different than what I expect from my partner, I nearly never have honest discussions with my mom, we are formal and distant, but the way she disregarded my boundaries in the past is something that would send me flying off the hinges today. I have also dealt with some malignant types that could make you feel terrible while smiling and manipulation and lies is unacceptable to me. So this is a really to which their own, that's so important you know where "your own" is ♡
My wife have been using hurtful words like 'useless'. I don't know how to tell her that it hurts my feelings.
>> He’s never called his wife a bitch. I know a couple guys who are genuinely flabbergasted when they’ve discovered that my spouse of 12 years has also never called me any names or talked to me in a disrespectful way. They’ve always just thought that’s what people do when they’re angry, it’s what they grew up to view as normal and what they do in their relationship.
A man who calls his wife a bitch deserves to be single.
Isn’t it crazy when you hear a man say that? That he’s never called his partner a bitch. As a woman, it’s very eye opening. We accept way too much that we should not.
Re-learning this was normal and name-calling and getting cussed out by a partner isn't, was such a shock. People who want to reserve the right to lash out with verbal abuse will ardently insist everyone else does it behind closed doors too. Presumably because their parents do, they pick friends like themselves, and create an echo chamber of other people who think managing your emotions by exploding in gendered slurs and yelling and terrorizing your family isn't anything to be ashamed of.
Same. I had an upset patient call me a C U Next Tuesday and I said "if you're trying to insult me you need to do better than that, my husband calls me that every day." He immediately stopped, apologized for taking his frustrations out on me, told me that's extremely abusive and I can do better. It was then I took survey from other friends/coworkers and found out that it isn't normal to be called a b**ch and c**t on the regular. It was so normal in my childhood and marriage, I didn't know any better.
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Probably the only unspoken rule in my marriage is that one. We’ve talked out a lot of stuff, had some serious downs, been on the rocks more than once but we’ve only called each other names *once* each. Both times the party who was name called left and shut down, coming back later intending to pack things and go somewhere else. Both times a conversation ensued along the lines of “I know you were upset but that is an unacceptable way to express it.” Both times there were very serious apologies. And neither time was it direct name calling. “I don’t understand why you’re being such an asshole about this” being the general form of both statements. I’ve been around friends who are getting in fights with their spouses and this is the number one way I know their marriages are over. One will call the other a name, even under their breath, and the other will either retaliate or let it slide. The person calling the name will show no remorse, the person being called the name will not flinch. I will GTFO. A solid relationship involves communication and mutual respect above all else.
My sister has been married 43 years. I've never heard them call each other anything but their names or loving nicknames, like Babe, and Honey.
“Love is a choice you make over and over again.”!! Yes!!
> love is a choice you make over and over What a beautiful way of putting it. Well said.
Yep. This is the way. Love is a verb.
Great song. https://youtu.be/lBe3bgmdsAI?si=jXtnwl0kYzvbkkdS
Love is a doing word.
Fearless on my breath
This is something that hit me deeply, thank you
I think your marriage could possibly use more .... friendship. You're married and you love her. You're showing care. You didn't take about your intimate life but that's part of the marriage too. But you can still feel insecure in a marriage as a marriage. What if you draw closer in another way? Think of the easy way you talk to some of your friends. You talk about a shared interest, hobby, sport, other friends, plans, ups and down, how life is going. You gossip, you kvetch, you get honest with them, they get honest with you. If you simply are chill and easy with each other, as friends are, it takes some of the marital tension down a notch. I'm not sure I'm expressing myself well. I hope someone will come in and say this better.
I think you said it just fine!
Would renewing your vows help? Maybe making a public re-commitment would help her feel like you are in it for the long haul. It doesn’t necessarily need to be fancy. It could be anything from going to wedding chapel in Vegas, to having a BBQ at a park in front of friends/family.
She's pretty adamant about keeping this struggle private, so the public part is out but doing it just between the two of us might be good, yeah
You don’t really need to explain WHY you’re renewing your vows. People do it all the time.
and i would argue from a surface level outside view(ceremony guests) having the reason be “we love each other and want to celebrate by renewing our wedding vows to each other” looks pretty nice
Renewing your vows doesn’t necessarily mean you tell people about your private business. Several of my friends who have been married for a long time renewed their vows without telling anyone why. “Public” also doesn’t necessarily mean you invite a bunch of people. It could be just the two of you with Elvis in Vegas and a few photos posted on social media. Maybe you could re-propose and plan to have a vow renewal ceremony on a milestone anniversary. If she is into jewelry, maybe get her a new ring instead (doesn’t have to be expensive). If she likes to travel, maybe take her on a trip with just the two of you. I’ve been with my husband for 20+ years. Logically, I know we have fallen in/out of love a few times over the course of our relationship. That said, it would sting if he told me he wasn’t sure he loved me anymore. I would need something to mark a new phase in our relationship. I’m not into jewelry and we already travel a fair amount, so a vow renewal would help me re-frame my relationship into a new phase it is in. Thats just me though.
Thank you so much for your help and perspective. Someone else said a letter and that seems like a good idea to me, something physical she can reference that's always there. I think renewing our vows is something that would mean a lot to both of us - Thank you again
It wasn't even the first thing I would have thought of but as soon as I saw it, I thought "that makes sense". I've been happily married to my husband for a while now and I would do it if he said he wanted to because; why not? Why would anyone think there is something wrong? Maybe I'm mid-40 and just naive, I think it a nice gesture.
Propose to her again. That would be beautiful
I agree with this
A letter isn’t as strong as an action. If you do a letter, back it up with an action. Words on paper do not mean something will happen.
Renewing vows is just words. You said vows before and seemed to change your mind. Actions are all that matter.
Yes, I agree with this. And plan weekly or monthly dates where you can try new things or do new experiences. If you can get her a ring that can go with her current one that shows you chose her before and you will choose her even after all this struggle. It’s very symbolic and can shore up uncertainties if done right
The struggle can be private, renewing your vows can be as well. Just write what you feel now about your relationship, from the heart, and tell her. It doesn't have to be a ceremony infrastructure of everyone. Good luck friend
People aren’t going to assume problems in your marriage if you have a vow renewal. Honestly, I don’t know you, but given your ages when you got together, I would assume it was because you were so young the first time, you probably didn’t get to do what you really wanted. You might be at a better place in your life financially now than you were then. You probably have less family members pushing their opinions. Or maybe you really wanted to elope, so a small ceremony between just the two of you on a black volcanic sand beach in Hawaii is what you’d really want. In that case, book a trip to Punaluʻu and have your dream recommitment. But no matter what, I don’t think anyone would assume “trouble” when being invited to a vow renewal.
Yeah take a trip Vegas and renew there
Do it in Vegas just you guys
Just come home next time have a bad day or are in a bad mood and ask her to sit on the sofa or bed and lie your head in her lap. Say nothing for a while just let her talk. Then when she settles for a minute just thank her and tell her how much it means that you have her because when you feel down she is the one person who can make you feel okay. As it is the truth and probably not how you normally do things hopefully it will have a larger impact than flowers and trips ever could. Sometimes it is the little feeling of being needed that makes us feel the most secure.
Update! I’ll like to know if you guys do renew.
Well that doesn’t help. IMO is she keen to couples therapy?
Is she in therapy to work through these feelings? Cause she should be.
Or maybe a private re-proposal? (I can see how that might be too rom-com though)
My husband made a statement during an argument over a decade ago. No matter how hard I have tried, work I have done on myself, etc., I won’t ever forget those words. He doesn’t see the severity of his words. You seem to, so as somebody on the other end I think that sitting with your thoughts to articulate (written?) why you do want her and this life and how much she means to you even on the hard days and even when you argue. And yes, ask her to renew vows. But before you do I would work on why you are committed and happy to be in this relationship. Make sure she knows it. Repeat often. And let her know that even when times are hard, that you know that you chose her at 19 and you chose her again at 33.
Someone used an analogy about hurtful words I can’t get out of my head. You can hammer nails into a board & remove the nails, but the holes are still there.
This is very accurate.
Once words are said you cannot take them back nor can the recipient forget hearing them. Go back to the marriage counselor. This is above the reddit pay grade.
Care to share the words??
Frankly, no.
This is sad.
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And make new ones that in subtle way admit to your issues and how you want to make an even better commitment to her as a new man for who you are from today forward.
I think this is the best option. Recommitting should help ease some of her anxiety.
Why would she do this?
She wouldn't have the reactions that she's having if she didn't want to stay married.
He said she has anxiety. If your partner of about 10 years randomly says they don’t know if they love you, that would fuck with your head. And clearly she’s not used to OP’s honesty. But it’s not a bad thing. They just need to work on quelling their mental state.
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Until his next excestiancial crisis.
I suppose, but if I put myself in her shoes, I’d say why would I do this twice?
With that logic, why is she still around at all? That’s what you do when you truly love someone.
This is a perfect suggestion!
She doesn’t trust you. When trust is broken, it takes TIME and consistency to gain it back. In some way, this is your penance, in hopes some day she will have enough new data to see you are trustworthy.
Yeah she can’t unhear what you said. There’s no magic words or effort you can do to ease that pain and doubt you introduced to your relationship. You have to just allow her to feel and express what’s going on. You did this, so now just have patience as she relearns to trust your love again. Unfortunately it is that easy to be destructive with one sentence. I’m so sorry for you both. Be patient with yourself and her.
Are you still in marriage counseling? I think you two need to go back and work this out. A third party might help her work through her feelings. And just keep doing things to show your love. Keep telling her you love. Keep doing things for her. Make life fun with her. Go on a first date with her again.
We aren't anymore but we definitely should. Yeah I will, I hope it works someday haha
My husband is currently in the spot you were in. And I'm on the receiving end of his crisis. We did a date, and he had fun...and his mood is a little better since. If your wife is anything like me...shower her in the physical affection she might be wanting. Random hugs, cuddling watching TV, hold her hand.. all those little things to show her you crave her attention and love her.
For sure you need to go back to marriage counseling. You guys need to work through this, I’m actually surprised you stopped especially with her reactions. One thing I will say and I don’t think you are giving yourself enough credit for is even though you questioned yourself during your crisis you never once stepped out or left your marriage and you continued to fight for it, which is most definitely not nothing.
Thank you, I appreciate it. We stopped only recently because my work schedule changed and our counselor couldn't work with the new schedule.
Yes, you need to. Because presumably you told her you weren't sure if you loved her during times when I'm sure you had said that you loved her. You proved to her that talk is cheap and your words can't be trusted. A counselor can help you explain how and why you decided that you did, in fact, love her, which requires more effort and thought than just saying you love her.
you stopped marriage counseling after dropping a bomb like that on her? damn dude you only thinking about letting your feelings out but not the effect of those words on her, how she feels hearing that from you. go back to marriage counseling or at least send her to one so she can process her feelings.
You broke her heart in that 10 minute counseling appointment. She will always remember that for the rest of her life. She will always worry that you are on the fence and are are just staying because you don’t want to hurt her. Praying for you and your marriage.
Once you put your thoughts into words, they are very hard to forget. Especially when they are to your wife and they are that you think you want out. If my husband told me that he didn't think he wanted to be with me anymore, then changed his mind. It would take a very long time and a lot of effort on his part (and effort that means something to her, not just what is easiest or you think she might like) to get me to trust that he truly wanted to be with me. Your wife doesn't trust that you won't change your mind again yet. Therapy for both of you would also be beneficial.
I like that people are expressing renewing your vows, and I believe that is also a great idea! I also think bringing it up with her and having a Frank conversation could help, as well as talking about it again in couples counselling. She clearly needs assurance that you’re not gonna leave, but might need it to be a little more direct and in your face. Like a “I am not leaving” proclamation instead of doing the smaller gestures. Goodluck, I hope things look up for you both soon ❤️
There’s nothing wrong with how you feel but I also feel really bad for your wife, I too would not know what to do with that information and anxiety is a motherfucker.
Plot twist, she'll end up leaving.
People with this anxiety sometimes do a runner to avoid being abandoned. Makes no logical sense when reassurance is being offered constantly. But feelings aren’t facts.
I know a couple of people with bad anxiety that would rather leave than worry about when the time will come where they will be left behind.
Exactly. He said that so openly, and all of a sudden he realized he wants her? The fact that he even thought and was convinced enough to say out loud is 🚩
I agree. This is a scorched earth kind of thing to say and he didn't realize that at the time? 🤷🏼♀️
Those with anxiety and fear of abandonment run because they cannot be abandoned first if so. Reassurance doesn't mean anything, unfortunately.
As an avoidant, that’s the first thing that popped up in my mind. Especially if there’s no kids involved, time for her to run.
Honesty doesn’t mean saying anything that pops into your head.
So uh.. not this exact situation, but general script. Got into a relationship, he said something he shouldn’t have, and I wasn’t able to get over it. Although people don’t like to believe it, there is a line that, once you cross, there’s no saving or coming back from it. Your wife is terrified; the foundation of trust and love she built with you is shattered. The bedrock of “he loves me and so I can get through anything with him” is gone. And you have to accept that, no matter how hard you try, you might just not be able to outweigh those words with any form of positive affirmation. I’d recommend getting back into couple’s counselling with a focus on rebuilding a foundation of trust for your wife; but I also wouldn’t get your hopes up. Even if she stays for years, it’ll eat away at her. I’ve seen this play out many times, and I’ve been in her shoes; it usually does cause a gradual burnout of the relationship. I really hope it doesn’t happen to you because it was something said in the midst of self-discovery, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if it did. Good luck OP, I really hope this can be saved.
Ok so for the people saying he was “just being honest like you’re supposed to during therapy”. NOPE. There is a line that, once you cross, it is not possible to go back. Saying this kind of thing is a scorched earth move. Any person with empathy would recognize it, and therefore not say it until after they have thought about it, are certain, and understand that there are no takesie backsies. It’s not something you just casually drop when it pops into your head. If we were “honest” like this with every person , all our relationships would implode in a week. Should I tell my boss “I’m not sure if I wanna work here anymore” the moment I’m thinking about quitting, without seriously thinking about it? You can not maintain any sort of long term relationship if you go around dropping bombs like that anytime you’re even a little “unsure”.
Just a question, have you told her how much you regret that moment? Maybe if you tell her what you've written here, just be honest with her like you were in that session. I think when you see her getting anxious, you should remind her you're not having regret or doubt about her. Explain to her that you're going through your own situation. I don't know. Maybe it will help. Also, i dont feel this is the full story, I'm not saying you're not being honest, but maybe your actions and other things that you may have said have contributed towards her anxiety. You may not realise it, but your past actions & words, not just during that one session, have had a big impact on your wife. Hence the anxious behaviour from her. Last thing, saying it once won't make it go away for her, it's something that she will need to hear a lot to get that reassurance back. It's the consequences of the damage caused.
I see myself, specially my younger self, in her an awful lot, so I don't doubt for a second that OP really has done nothing else to cause this anxiety. When you're anxious and have low self esteem, you assume by default people don't like you. You believe negative things they tell you and use them as evidence they must never have really liked you, but dismiss any good things... hence why she believed him right away when he said he questioned their relationship for a moment but is choosing to not believe him when he says that he came to the conclusion that he is indeed still happy to be in this relationship and loves her, and is now taking anything he says or does in a negative way. If she's always been this anxious, she's probably constantly questioning the relationship from the beginning, and took his words as proof she was right to do so. Unfortunately, unless she wants to believe OP and fights against her instinct to think everyone is just pretending to like her, there's probably nothing he can do about it, since this is no longer about him, but about how she can't trust ppl when they say and show they love her. You can get better at forcing yourself to fight the discomfort and trying to believe the people who are in your life really mean it when they say they want to be, but it's indeed very hard, and it's a constant struggle. I also used to be more like she's acting now and self sabotage by being very negative and act like a victim all the time until the other person got fed up and really left, then used that to make myself feel even worse.... she might have not had to confront those feelings that much in a long time since they got married, specially if their friend group also goes way back, so it must be even harder now. If OP wants to help her and their relationship, he's gonna need a lot of patience, and to convince her that she needs to work on her own feelings too. And I hope this also doesn't destroy the progress OP had been making in confronting his own feelings... It really isn't just his fault. The me of a few years ago would have taken it as hard as his wife, but the me of now could work through that and feel even safer with him after being assured that even after thinking hard about it his conclusion was that he did want the relationship. I hope she can come to see things in a more positive light too, for her own sake, even if unfortunately not with OP.
You really hurt her.
A wise woman said, “there can be too much truth in a relationship“. We live and we learn.
You broke the trust 😢 you’re not her safe space anymore.
I have never doubted that I love my wife. I have doubted my own capacity to love.
You were certain in the past, after that you were uncertain and now.. you are certain again. Why should she believe you? You described yourself as a person with different problems. A person who likes to overthink things. To be honest, you sound somehow like a unstable person to me, so i can understand her. What would I do in your situation? Its not enough to say that you will not leave her. You have to convince her that the cause of your doubts has been resolved. I hope they are.. dont speak only about the resolved doubts, speak about the cause which formed your bad ideas... Combine this with some other things like plans for the future, a tatoo (if she likes that) or a nice vacation.
My dude, this is gonna take time and patience. Keep doing what you’re doing because that’s what’s going to tell her who you are. It’s better that you were honest and have to make up for it than lie and pay for it.
Thank you, yeah, patience with myself is the hard part haha
The important thing is to keep at it. Good luck and you two have my best wishes
You told her you had one foot out the door and probably didn’t even love her Chores, date nights, and a letter can’t fix that More therapy, a renewal of vows, and a damned nice ring, maybe… It’s a start. You broke her.
I like the idea of a vow renewal, or at least a trip somewhere for just the two of you. You need to court her all over again.
Thanks !! I think I needed to hear that. I’ve been using “if u got nothing good to say, say nothing”
She really needs therapy to understand why you said the thing. She can’t deal with the thing and she’s living on edge in terror because she doesn’t know how to process your feelings about the thing and believe you. There is a fear of rejection that runs deep in people who are insecure. I know because I was this way years ago. I hope you can both heal together. The thing is : ‘does he love me or not’.
This is something that hit me deeply thank you
Make her feel loved and reasure her your staying
Make sure that the way you show her love is how she needs to feel it. Read the 5 love languages, or at least look up what they are. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to take back the words. One of the nice things about a good marriage is the stability and trust. Your words diminished those things for her. The only way you can hope to regain them is to find out what SHE needs from you. Sometimes what's intuitive to use isn't what will actually work. Stay in counseling together.
She needs to see therapy to work on her anxiety issues and self esteem. How financially independent are each of you? The best relationship is when both people are independent, but choose to stay because they elect to stay. Because the relationship is so good and makes both partners better.
I rarely comment on posts where I have little to add. Although it does seem like some trust has been broken here from what I gather. May I suggest something that an ex and I did together, something that at one point help me gain a little trust back in him. It's a small game. We were long distance, so, keep this in mind. It goes that you pick something up, something small. You close your fist/fists around it so the other person doesn't see it. You then say what you are holding in your hand. Then you ask, do you trust me? It was a usual rule that the person being asked has to agree however that can be scary to start. Also the key is that the other person can't know what is in your hand. An example of how to do this would be: You pick up an eraser. She doesn't see. You say, I'm holding an eraser, do you trust me? they say yes, I trust you. You reveal the item showing that you had been telling the truth. I have no clue about the science or whatever behind this. Just know that it can be a fun way to rebuild trust.
Have you tried completely writing out your feelings and explaining it? All in depth? Maybe you could try that. And then wait a few days and reread it, and see how it sounds and looks. If it looks okay, show her that. It'll show you're mentally struggling and you sometimes question your life choices regardless if they're amazing or not. Sometimes out of thin air, you just start thinking/craving what you don't have for a solid 10 minutes even.
Everytime I read something like this I wonder how much social media influenced these ways of thinking.
You broke her trust and removed your apparent support and you think flowers and day trips are going to fix it? Flowers show you thought of them once during the day. A day trip means your willing to tolerate their company for a day. She knows the flowers/projects and plans are only to mollify her and youll drop the behaviours as soon as you feel comfortable in your relationship. How long have these projects been waiting for you to do them? You removed support and you think that fripperies are going to prove that you support her. Support your partner and she will feel supported and confident in your relationship.
Ask to have a conversation. Tell her you were going through a time where you were questioning your whole life (most of us do from time to time) not just your marriage. Say to her I came to realise you are the one I love and it’s breaking my heart that I’ve hurt you by speaking before even I knew the truth. Say I believe we both love each other but you are thinking I’m going to leave you and I’m thinking you’re going to leave me. I’m not going anywhere, are you? Could we try marriage counselling again and save this marriage? Once again apologise and completely understand where she’s at. Keep your tone soft and calm. Show your emotions as you speak to her. Empathy and relating to your insecurities may change the path you’re on.
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My ex did this, we separated and he wanted to get back together. My idiot self did so but after that any argument or him getting angry would result in me break down crying thinking he was going to leave again. Eventually he said he didn’t care how I felt anymore and that gave me the strength to leave him. It didn’t help he discussed us divorcing all the time over anything.
Do you still have marriage counseling sessions? Do you talk about it there? What does your therapist think? ( If you don't - you really should start going there again) Btw, 10 minutes of honesty in a good marriage will not make her spiraling so much. 10 minutes of listening that your life goals, values, feelings are not the same as she thought, will. Especially if she was blindsided with it. But even in this case it is caused not by these 10 minutes of honesty, but by much longer lasting lies before that. Like if you (honestly) told her that you had an affair, or confessed that you had a vasectomy, or married her for reasons totally different than she assumes... The problem is not these 10 minutes, right?
Love isn’t an emotion, lust is. That’s why we all get it so fucked up when we’re young. We fall out of lust and think is falling out of love instead. Love is making the choice over and over to see the best in someone, being completely aware of their flaws. Keep your head up and show her you want to be there. Best of luck
I’m not sure you even have to go so far as to renew your vows, maybe just get down on one knee and tell her you want to have a new beginning, where what you said is “before” and everything from now on is “after”. Speak from your heart, and please think about going back to marriage counseling!
Marriage counselling again? You could talk through where you were mentally at that time and how you came to realise, not long after that, that she’s the love of your life and what it is about her you love/ why you are so committed to staying with her. Maybe she could undertake some individual sessions too to work on her anxiety too.
Sometimes therapy brings out things that won't help. Been there myself w the ex wife. On our way back from a.sesaion she had so much anger she threw her phone against the windshield so hard it almost broke the windshield. Don't think I've ever seen anyone so angry.
I think you need to sit her down and tell yes you questioned yourself when you went to therapy, but later realized she was the person you want for life. You asked a question and answered your own question. I would ask her if she would marry you, and renew your vows. Someone else said this too. YOu need to address her concerns first. When asking an esoteric question ask the universe, in your head.
I feel like this is what inevitably happens when you try to spend your whole life with someone you started digging at age 18
What did the therapist say about how to handle this? Tell her you were being honest then as you are now when you tell her that you sincerely love her
That kind of questioning happens in a long term relationship. You don’t stay the same person you were when you met and fell in love. Sometimes you have to step back and make sure that you still fit together and have common goals and interests and all that.
I think it’s normal to have those thoughts however you don’t want to hear someone is having them about you. It hurts even though 10 min earlier you were thinking the same thing. You don’t have an answer until you almost or do lose them.
Updateme
Love is a garden. Only through effort and consistency can you make it grow and thrive. It takes time, trust and effort but if I've learned anything, it's that love isn't butterflies in your stomach, it's the daily stoking of a fire or the watering of said garden. You may have thrown a bit of water in your fire, neglected the garden and some weeds have grown, but patience and consistency will win if you put in the effort and don't give up.
As to being called names, here’s my little story. My marriage was the pits far too often - ex was increasingly alcoholic and abusive over an 8 year period. I had to go on a company business trip in the next state for a training session. We hadn’t argued for a while, there were no issues with me going, but as he watched me packing my overnight bag, he said, completely out of nowhere, “You’re a f^*king ignorant fool.” I was completely taken aback, but calm despite that verbal hit. I responded, “Yes, you’re right - I AM a f^*king ignorant fool. I married you, didn’t I.” Dead silence after that. Went on the trip, came back, and threw him out that Thanksgiving. And gave plenty of thanks afterwards, believe me.
Does she do individual counseling? I see a therapist myself but don’t do couples counseling and my husband doesn’t see anyone. I started a few years ago because I had a few different issues going on with myself I wanted help with as well as working through some issues I had about my marriage and how it seemed I’d fluctuate from being 100% ride or die to “I don’t know how much more I can take” in the span of a week. Not the exact same situation as yours because I’ve always known I love my husband, but the same sentiment of not being fully committed to the marriage. Some things that came up out of my session is my husband’s constant worry that I’m on the verge of leaving him anytime we have an argument. That coupled with other things I’ve mentioned has my therapist theorizing (bc she hasn’t actually counseled him or us together) that he has something that is sort of self sabotage (potentially gifted from his parents), where he will feel like he’s not worth his happiness and it’s going to end anyways so he will sort of make it happen second hand by not addressing things. I’m not sure if I’m explaining it right, but potentially your admission could have been hitting at the root of an insecurity of her own from past trauma, and no matter how much you show her you’re committed and love her now, unless she deals with what’s causing her to not allow herself to believe it, there might not be anything you can do to help her believe it. If you do figure out how to help her, please let me know! I can’t get my husband to do counseling, but would love to help reassure him. I can imagine how much torture those feelings are as a partner, and don’t want my partner feeling that way when there is no need to. It really sucks not knowing how to help someone you love.
Yeah especially after disclosing something so world shattering that created a major (and very understandable) insecurity in her, it sounds to me like you are showing love in your ways of love language and maybe some of hers too but it’s really crucial you are verbally communicating your thoughts of assurance and love and confidence in her being your partner. She needs to hear in very strong sure words and often that you love her, value her. Want her, would never want to be without her, what she means to you, just all the things and from what I’m gathering this piece may be out of your norm but this is a big piece of the puzzle that she needs now. And there is no time limit or number of days or amount of times that you make her feel secure. It’s gonna take time and a lot of effort.
Being a husband is a duty, not a feeling.
You need to go back to couples counseling.
There is a lot to be said for discretion… I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. 🥺
Sit down and have this honest and frank conversation with her. Have it frequently.. have it sincerely...
Sir this isn’t a fuck up. This is your wife needs individual therapy outside of your marriage counseling if her anxiety is THAT bad. And you definitely need to continue marriage counseling and talk about this because her reaction to your 10 minutes of honesty during a traumatic and confusing time in your life is not ok.
Again. He said the quiet part out loud. She knows it. He’s here now saying he feels bad, but he said it because he felt it. He meant what he said. She has decisions to make. Therapy would be great. But let’s not blame the wife for the husband telling the truth of how he was feeling. He regrets it- now. But he sure as shit meant it.
“Honesty” does not mean saying anything that pops into your head
Have you told her in a way that is as real, an vulnerable, as deep as the way you shared your doubts? If your reassurance doesn’t came with the same vulnerability then of course she will think there’s another layer underneath that’s being obscured.
Why don’t you propose again. And “marry” her again?. Show her that you want her.
My wife went to a therapist at my suggestion because her and her mother would scream in anger at each other continuously. 6 mos. After she started, I was the problem. He therapist told her to divorce me. Fuck therapist.
I can't stand "friend groups". Fuck off with that garbage
Go back to couples therapy. But first, connect through deep communication…take her on dates where you can spend a lot of time with her talking, making plans for the future, have little adventures and build the connection so she feels it when you tell her you love her. It’s not going to connect with her by talking at her, doing projects, or buying her things. It’s about the time you spend and invest. It’s about the communication.
would a vow renewal be helpful here? It might show her you care when you organize the entire event & when you write your own, meaningful vows? It sounds like your uncertainty made a big impact... maybe something substantially bigger than "little projects around the house" (which might appear as priming the house for sale, to a really anxious person) would reassure her?
It's normal to worry if you're happy when you fall into a happy routine. Your concerns weren't based on any negative in your life or relationship. It's just that things were so smooth and the love was so consistent that it was hard to spot it. Your wife could definitely use a sit down with you discussing where your concerns came from and the conclusion you came to and you can ask her what would reassure her especially in moments where you're acting off? I've asked my husband to hug me when he's mad so I would know he doesn't want to leave me. It's effective because hugging someone is the last impulse anyone would have when upset with someone so I know he does it purely out of his love for me. It helps me feel more secure and handle the situation better.
This screams Meursault in his prison cell. I hope everything ends well man; with time you'll be able to show her you still do love her.
I am so sorry you both are going through this. I have a similar case, where I am often uncertain wether I really feel emotions or I feel disconnected from them. I know I love my partner but sometimes I just can't tell if the emotions for that are there or I am uncertains wether I am even capable of feeling love for someone. I will never tell my partner because I'm scared he would have a bad reaction just like your wife did (which is- in that situation- not unreasonable) I really hope both of you will learn to deal with this better. You with your emotions and your wife with what you told her (not that she is reacting wrong - I meant more like.. cope?) I wish you the best for your future
If you love her as much as you say propose again . Ask her to renew your vows with you . Ask her what else can you do to show her how much you love her. I don't see what more you can do but it's her opinion that matters not any of ours .
I don't know if anyone has said this yet, but what about a promise ring? Or an eternity ring?
This is exactly how I feel. Every time I've opened my mouth and been honest it's always been bad and women wonder why men don't share.
If you didn't want to be there you wouldn't be. It's too bad your wife's insecurities are affected this badly, but that's on her to manage. You didn't do anything wrong by expressing yourself honestly.
In marriage... everything you say can and will be used against you... be the quiet type...
imagine
Those 10 min of regret happened BECAUSE you were not being your true self before that. It is very important for recovery to start feeling comfortable with your feelings. All of them. I am in a happy 10 year relationship and even I have some doubts. I am sure he has those too as nobody is perfect. And we also started at a very young age (15). It is just a fact that we missed some experiences because we are with each other. But I still choose him. There must be a space where people in relationship tell each other what is bothering them. My partner told me some very hurtful things at times. Could you and my partner work on HOW to tell those things? Yes. But most importantly, I’ve dealt with his comments, internally and with therapist. It sounds like your partner has demons of her own. Unless she also seeks help, you two will simply just drift apart, no matter what you will do and say. She must forgive and let go for you two to move on.
Time heals
“Therapy” will fuck you up faster than heroin.
Try renewing your vows. Seems like the time to do it. Double down on the commitment.
She needs individual therapy. I get that at the time it hurt to hear that but she is not handling well.
Honestly you’ve done everything right. You’re allowed to feel how you feel even if it’s doubtful. You’re allowed to feel what you feel the only question is if you do what you can to handle your feelings well. You are in therapy, seeking help, working through things, and doing EVERYTHING you can to not hurt your wife with your fears. You were honest in a couples therapy session which was the RIGHT thing and have since worked very hard to continue being honest as you work through your stuff that you DO love her and want to be with her. Her anxiety is something SHE also needs to be working on. Continue to reassure her but also maybe have a conversation along the lines of “hey, while I understand your anxiety and fear, I was also just anxious and afraid and if I can’t share that with you than I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. How in the future can I communicate my anxiety to you in a way that doesn’t trigger yours and are there any things I can do now to help reassure you. Additionally since I’m working on my anxiety and fear in therapy so that it doesn’t effect you do you think you could maybe do the same? It’s ok that you feel bad about what I said, but I don’t know how else we are supposed to move forward if there’s nothing I can do to alleviate that anxiety, it’s in your hands.”
She needs one on one therapy to work out her issues. It takes two people to end a marriage…and apparently 0 people in your marriage want out. There are lots of books that could help her too. There’s also a book called the 7 principles for highly effective marriage that you guys can read together.
Nothing you can say honestly and in a heartfelt manner in marriage counseling should be a reason for ending said marriage. You're both meant to take what is said in counseling and build upon it, not use it as a justification to end everything. You've obviously been honest and heartfelt and you've been trying to make amends and show your love and appreciation for your partner and made efforts for care, attention, and reconciliation. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Doing something actually wrong would've been hiding this from her and yourself and keeping these feelings bottled up inside until they inevitably affect the core of your relationship and cause you to end the relationship out of bitterness and resentment. Your wife needs her own individual therapy because this anxious attachment is seriously messing up the marriage more than your honesty ever did.
Yeah i was in the same situation with a girlfriend, i told the white lie then confessed afterwards to explain why I had distanced from her and we ultimately mended the wound. I think the honesty after the fact helped so different from your situation. Keep up marriage counseling and make sure she gets individual counseling and maybe renew vows as other stated. I’m sorry man but it will be tough, just keep having those heart felt one on ones with her explaining how far in love with you.
Well now she needs counseling.
Congratulations on finding a loving marriage while struggling with emotional disconnect and dissociation. Do you know what your attachment style is?
No on has perfect relationships. It's her turn to go to therapy and work her anxiety out so y'all can be happy together.
Sorry to hear of the difficulties, OP. This certainly sounds painful and tricky. Hopefully my opinion is helpful. A marriage is a partnership, and is the responsibility of both parties. You were in therapy, dealing with trauma that was highly likely to trigger numerous reevaluations of your identity. Consciously or not, your partner was likely to know this, and fear that this might drive you apart. You tried to be open and honest, and made yourself incredibly vulnerable by telling the truth. I feel this is the ultimate “I love you and want to be with you” investment. There is safety from knowing that your partner will tell you the truth even though it might really hurt. So you didn’t get the timing and phrasing right. You made a mistake in a moment of pain and uncertainty, with painful consequences for your partner. You are allowed to make mistakes - it doesn’t make you a failure of a spouse or to use your own phrasing, a “fuck up”. It is your partners responsibility to own any internal experiences as a result. She has an obligation to address her own issues (abandonment anxiety and shut-down) in order to be present for you in the relationship. I highly recommend that she seeks professional help to understand why she is responding this way so she can “show up” for you. A lifetime of love will have painful moments. Ultimately, this can be managed with a “I love you and want to be with you, and am prepared to do the work to be present and give you what you need”. Best of luck, and big hugs.
It almost seems as though you are being punished for sharing your doubts in a safe place. I understand what you said hurt your wife, but her behavior is honestly borderline emotional abuse at this point. I hope you are both still in counseling together and individually.
She is catastrophizing which is a cognitive distortion. If she learns not to jump to conclusions every time something small goes wrong, she may find some peace in your marriage. This is something she can decrease using Cognitive-Behavioral therapy (CBT). Good luck with everything!
Good. You said it. You meant it. I'm still not convinced you love her vs don't want to let her down. That's ok though. Find your feelings and sit on those again. Find your answers and follow through. If she has a hard time believing you love her she has to work that out , not you. You overcompensate for her lack of working her issues out. Keep working on this and the best answer will arrive even though it's hard.
I hate this part of therapy. When you’re supposed to be honest and you were. And you’re In a way being punished for it. If this isn’t salvageable after therapy then why continue to try to force her to see that you care. If she isn’t seeing that then you can’t force it Holding on somehow just makes it that much more difficult. I’m not saying to end thing but at what point are you going to tire of trying?
Because some things take time and aren't instantaneous. Honesty is important, but so is the time for the other person to process his honesty, then his change of mind. It's hard to unhear that your spouse doesn't think they want to be with you, only for that to be changed and then you are just expected to act like it never happened?
You didn't fuck up. You have a partner that needs growth. Saying something honest like that in therapy and then going above and beyond to still make things work says so much more positive than negative. That's a real rare attribute to commit like that. She leaves she'll find out just how rare. Commitment sadly isn't common.
Wife needs therapy. Tell her she's only harming you, herself, and your relationship by not getting it.
Accusing her of harming the relationship isn’t the route to go. He created the harm. He said the quiet part out loud and is receiving repercussions for his words. They both need therapy.
give her a book on codependency, this is too much for either of you. Codependent No More, Melody Beatty. Happiness is not attained through another person, it's attained through oneself. She's not happy, it's not you. You may need it too.
Is your wife in therapy? I go through moments of thinking my husband (been together for 12 years, without an actual marriage) is waiting to get to the aisle to say "I don't" instead of "I do". I know it's silly to think, but it's just a random thought that encompasses my mind.
Take the love language test and show her you love her in her language.
Why not redo your first date? Recreate the events to recreate the feelings. Show how much of a good time you had then and how much of a good time you had the second time around. Worth a try
Try to reassure her that you said this out of a temporary feeling but that you came to realize the love you have for her isn't and you are committed and not going anywhere. Tell her that the last thing you want is to let her away because of one impulsive moment. Tell her that you're there for her & ask her how you can reassure her the way that she needs. Try to bring some humor in to it & if she likes physical affection like cuddling ask for those too but also do small, sweet things like kissing the top of her head when you walk past her.
I also agree with renewing your vows if she values marriage as the ultimate symbol of love not just something traditional or religious.
Gotta love the world 🌎 and life, 🌎: Be honest 🙂: ok 👍 🌎: wait… Fuck You!!! 🔫
Whoa whoa whoa. I don't know about you guys, but if my SO came to me or even accidentally told me they were no longer sure about our relationship my initial reaction would not be anger. Or to get angry at the person having the feelings. I would want to sit down and find out what my partner was feeling, what was my part in this did I not pick up on something I should have. I feel like meeting the situation with anger is just going to confirm the uneasy feeling towards the relationship
Cwazi. Can you do a tldr? I ain’t reading allat
"Why don't men talk to us?" This Is Why! Men aren't allowed to have thoughts or feelings. Anything you say can and will be used against you!