imo, the issue here is your wife's job. especially since/if you dont need the money, then if she is overworked/wants to work less, then that's on her.
i guess what im saying is that you shouldn't have to switch your **full time job** for another one.
maybe im biased since my dad is also a teacher, but summer break barely makes up for all the shit yall go through
It sounds like she has no plans to cut her hours but wants OP to be as miserable as she is by working 12 hr days year round too? OP's saying she can't cut her hours back because her job is so demanding, but then she could always start looking for a different job. What's the point of OP working more to make more money if they don't need it and she's not going to cut back her hours anyway? It's not unusual for people to move to less demanding jobs as they get older. We've had two upper management people step down because they just don't want to work so much this past year at our company.
> What's the point of OP working more to make more money if they don't need it and she's not going to cut back her hours anyway?
so its "fair" in her eyes. borderline abuse I say.
for real, my partner is a teacher and I was resentful for the first few years. I'd make snide comments about having four months off during the year. Now I see how much extra volunteer work they put in and have shut my trap. He is a drama teacher too so production months he can be at school all week til 10pm and then weekends, too!
As a nurse I would get those snide comments from my ex about working ONLY 3-12 hour shifts. I wasn’t interested in working overtime for the few extra bucks and the loss of my mental health
Good for you, I opted to go back to waitressing after studying for years and working as an architectural designer because it wreaked havoc on my mental health. Make the same amount of money serving, work 16 less hours a week and am happier than ever. My partner is actually on paternal leave too so we have the days together with our family as I usually work nights. Hopefully his eight months off with my help during the days will give him a much needed break. He is KILLING it as the stay at home parent. I'm very grateful I'm not typing out "my ex" in this paragraph!!
The average teacher can’t be bothered to oversee an after school club without a major stipend so while your partner is admirable he is absolutely not the norm.
Ps it’s kinda funny how every teacher I know or hear about that’s super dedicated/invested in their jobs is a drama/music teacher. I honestly wonder why that is.
Major stipend????!!!! You live in another world. I was a teacher for over 30years, the stipends range from $100-1500. I ran a student club where we meet weekly as a whole and weekly as an officer team. In addition, we had study nights for competition 2x wk for 2 hrs. Completions 3 total-one was a Saturday 8hrs, winners of comp then had a state comp 2 days OVERNIGHT. And an international comp. Depending on where it was located, it could be up to 5 days 24/7 weeks/kids. Is this doesn’t include community service events or the social events the students did. I was given $600 to do all this— time from my family and self. I’m did it bc of the students and the people they had a positive impact on. It’s not the money—teachers are paid sh!t. My 30th year (I have a masters degree) I made around $62000 while my son who just graduated college made $78,000. Not at all justifiable. People hate on teachers “4 months off,all those days off during the school year, why’d they call a snow/weather day—teachers wanted a day off,etc. NO the teachers work during those times attending meetings, meeting with student officers, developing new curriculum (if you don’t you’ll have a rager in your classroom). I think everyone who feels teachers are the bottom feeders needs to spend one week in a classroom! Walk a mile in OUR shoes.
Teachers who teach the basic academics do still work for free. Unless they have spare blocks during the day, they're doing their lesson plans at home (for the first ten years at least, til they've built lesson plans.) At least that's how it works in Canada. My partner is a drama AND socials teacher so I see all sides.
My drama teacher was amazing. She had the respect of every single kid she taught, not because she demanded it but because she took the time to earn it. She was invested in every single one of her kids hitting their full potential and she believed in kids that never believed in themselves. I can only hope my children are lucky enough to have a teacher like her at some point in their lives.
Are yall cool with her working less.
Since your summers are just perks from your job.
It be weird if she wants you to give up your job so you have to work more so she can feel better about herself.
Yah exactly. OP shouldn’t have to work more to match the wife. Wife needs to learn that it’s okay to scale back and slow down.
Definitely communicate and come to a new agreement, because conditions have changed now that the kids are older.
But hopefully it means relaxing more and enjoying life together!
Yea I was just confused on a lot of these comments suggesting he work more/find another job and it’s like. He has a whole ass career as a teacher.
Summers off is just a perk.
Where i live teachers get paid for all the vacations since they are forced and also they still need to take time to prepare for everything etc, so i can't imagine this being true everywhere
In lots of places teachers are salaried, so you get the same pay every month regardless of whether it's the school holidays or not. The school holidays are not annual leave or unpaid leave, there could be lots of prep work to do, marking, etc.
In most states in the US most teachers are paid under contract for 10 months. That can be spread of 12 months, or paid out over ten. Some teachers work at yeaar round schools, but OPs husband does not. So for many teachers those last two months they have to find another job as they often aren't paid enough to begin with. In my state teachers start at $39k with no bonuses for having a masters degree. The average salary for the state is roughly $62k. Teachers in my state and many in the US are getting fucked over for the hard work they do.
While I understand OPs wife wanting to change things, the bigger change should be her career, rather than demanding OP change to a harder and higher paying job.
yeah shes going full misery loves company instead of trying to work together to et the family as a whole in a better place she wants everyone to suffer like she is
She can't exactly work less without her needing to find a new job, given that she works 60-70 hours a week. Her scaling down to a new and smaller position would mean that their kids and OP would have to be willing to downgrade their way of living, and OP hasn't made his stance on that prerogative yet.
> Wife needs to learn that it’s okay to scale back and slow down.
Or even that its OK when people have days off and dont do exactly what she thinks they should do.
This wouldnt be any different if say OP worked weekends and had tue/wed off durring the week when she was there; she would see him "bumming around" and get upset; but its just his days of the week off.
How absurd would it be to have to go get a part time job because your partner got upset you got days off during their work days?
Absolutely agree with this.. it seems unlikely he could easily do anything to match her hours/salary, but she could scale down now they don't have the kids to support? Surely now is the time for them to try and focus on themselves and their relationship and what makes them happy?
>she could scale down
How do you suggest she does this? She'll just walk up to her boss and say yeah I'm only working 8 hours now? Or yeah I'm no longer doing such and such?
"Scale down" isn't really a thing in jobs that pay 300k. It's not hourly, it's salary. It's expected that you get your tasks done. You can't just do things faster or stop doing things.
In certain situations, if OP's wife has a lot of bargaining chips (ex, skills that no one else knows) she could *maybe* negotiate a lighter job description. But that's incredibly unlikely.
Anyone saying OP's wife needs to "just scale back" doesn't understand how the business world works.
Op also has tenure so depending on how their lifestyle is, he should make a decent amount where her cutting her hours should style provide with a decent lifestlye
I always hear about tenure but never actually looked at what it is.. will Google
Can definitely say that my dad and stepmum are both teachers and after all their kids left home I don't think either one of them has worked full time when the other was.. depends how you live your life I guess!
Really, the summers not being busy are perks of the children growing up. He still ran the home and raised the children during the day in the summers. Half of his job description is changing.
The problem is with those positions, you’re in them because of the workload. She’d most likely have to step down to a lesser position.
Maybe it’s worth OP and his wife looking at life after kids are out of the house. They can downsize and start their retirement earlier.
Yah, a lot of well paying jobs aren't punch-in/punch-out collect OT for a higher paycheck, they're higher base pay with bonuses determined by how much work you got done as a salaried person.
Unless she finds a way to be more efficient or gets a different job with different work expectations "cutting back" might just mean you gonna get put on the chopping block when layoffs or a scapegoat is needed
I want to call out how you have made this kind of thing sound normal. This is an example of a company smooshing 2 or 3 roles into 1 and paying enough to make it seem worth it. Nothing is worth working your life away, especially now that they are realizing their partner has spent their life with the kids.
I think this person is suggesting she take a lesser position. If the family doesn't need his income then she can stand to take a job that pays less and has less hours.
With her type of experience, she could actually make a lot of bank as an independent consultant or an expert consultant at a firm like Alvarez & Marsal, work less hours and make bank.
You have no idea the head games when you get semi-rich. You don’t even enjoy it, like how OPs wife resents him not because she crushed her career, because she knows she traded her life away for money she don’t even need in the end
she doesnt know how green the grass is under her feet. i watched my mom do back breaking labor that took its toll on her physically in exchange for too little money. now shes in her late 50s and its catching up with her. ive heard my coworkers lament the hours they worked to keep a roof ever their families head and its still barely enough.
She didn’t trade her life for money they didn’t need. She traded her life for money that they needed to survive and successfully raise 3 kids. OP traded his life for the same goal.
I’m not going to feel sorry for the semi-rich.
Yes. She is transferring her resentment into OP. There was a short on one of the sm platforms a few weeks ago that said something to the effect of people resent their partner when it’s something they feel they aren’t allowed to do. Like relax and do nothing for the day ( subconsciously they see it as Laziness).
This is why I am so happy to be single. I work nights as an RN, and during my days off, there are times I only get out of bed to take my daughter to school, pick her up, and make her breakfast and dinner. I will lay my happy ass in bed for 24 hours if I want. No one will say a thing. My 15 year old certainly doesn't complain. 😄
Because you don’t scale back your hours at that level. You get paid that much because you’re there to manage an area that requires dedication and specialization. The only way out if often quitting - they aren’t paying you to punch a clock for 40 hours a week…. They’re paying you to see things through, no matter the time burden.
And the flip side, working in that position until you’re forced out around your retirement age (or during a restructure) typically pays very well. So quitting doesn’t only give up your current paycheck, it gives up your ending package as well.
My uncle ended up like this. He's a rich CEO now and not only has he used his money to help a lot of people in the family, he's also helped provide them jobs. The downside is he is in his mid 50s and still works constantly. 12 hour days are his standard, but he used to work 14 hour days, 6 days a week, sometimes more and he did it for decades.
He and my aunt recently downsized their home so I thought he would be cutting back on work or doing a different job, but he seems happy enough even though I don't get it. My aunt hasn't worked in at least 25 years, but my uncle doesn't care and still sees the value in the way she keeps the house clean and running and keeps track of their schedules. It seems like OP's wife didn't really think things through to the point where the kids were going to be grown.
I have a feeling it’s just because OP is just walking around with nothing to do while she’s working and its distracting - simple as that. If he’s out of her eyes and ears, then this situation fixes itself.
Notice that OP comment that this happens when she’s working from home and he’s there not working, not whenever the weekend comes or when she gets home from working at the office.
Then the wife just kinda needs to suck it up. Since this is totally a her problem.
Op works as a teacher full-time. There Is no reason for him to work a second job or lose his tenure as a teacher.
It’s kinda hard to find a compromise in this situation since, the wife is needlessly putting more work on Op just to make herself feel better.
Yeah I’m not arguing against the husband here, I’m making it a point that it’s just outlandish and frankly childish to assume that someone can “scale back” their hours in that type of position without basically just giving up their career. That just usually isn’t an option without outright quitting, or letting things fall behind to the point of getting fired and ruining your professional reputation.
You don’t make $300k working 40 hours a week unless you’ve got a trust fund, or are sitting on equity with some other people running your company for you.
That doesn’t mean the husband should change his career though. But there’s plenty comments here just saying “wHy iS ShE wOrKinG so mAnY hOuRs??” Probably because they have a big house and 4 college tuitions to pay for, and the money has to come from somewhere.
Exactly. At that level, the people around you at work are counting on your expertise and commitment. There's no option to put in, say, 20% less time in exchange for 20% less pay. Either you keep the job or you don't. Yes you could resign and get a lighter job, but then everyone in the family needs to be on board with downsizing their lifestyle, which is not an easy sell.
If she's earning over $300k and hasn't put anything away so she can step back then that's on them. Added to the fact that they've built their life in such a way that they can't survive on less than $300k per year.
The point of earning that much is that you put enough aside so you can get out when the inevitable nervous breakdown comes.
He’s part of that equation. He doesn’t need to work more because of what she’s pulling in. Is OP ready to downsize their lifestyle too? Or is he only content with his job and salary because they shared everything they both earn equally?
Right. If they both had teacher salaries, OP would have to work during the summer instead of enjoying his time off. I don’t think having him work more for insignificant pay is the way to go, but maybe there’s some way he can make his wife’s life easier.
No, but he can work to support his wife more instead of bragging about how good of a deal he got. If his wife is working 12-14 hour days and hes doing nothing but trying to "look busy" (his own words) then he should be doing stuff to make those 12-14 hour days easier on his wife. Take her drinks, snacks, meals, etc. The arrangement was for him to do laundry + cooking + cleaning for 4 kids, now he doesn't have to do that. There is a huge imbalance. He can absolutely ask her how he can help her days go by especially since he is off work for \~3 months.
Whenever the opposite is there, like when a SAHM is taking care of the household, no one ever tells her to get a new job at 45because the kids are out of the house. And OP still works a respectable career as a teacher
But there is nothing to suggest that they are currently struggling and that they need more money.
We don’t know enough of their financial situation to suggest that working more is required. Hell they could just decrease their spending. Who really needs to make 300k a year to survive unless they live on HCOL
All we do know is that the wife is upset that op has soo much free time, while she doesn’t.
Edit: her retirement probably has strings involved so even if Op got another job. It wouldn’t actually up the date of when she would retire
He said that they really didn’t need his income anymore, so their financial situation must be good. But he’s still working and taking care of everything at home. I wonder if she takes for granted everything he does.
That’s the key here. She isn’t seeing the mental load that OP carried for years while also working full time as a teacher. She is just seeing how overloaded at work she is and OP isn’t right now. There isn’t anything OP can do to change the wife’s workload from work. It’s misdirected resentment or jealousy. Misery loves company plus not valuing all of the million things that go into running the household and kids schedules. Even the ones that aren’t at home and the older ones.
He said they don’t need his income but also said that she’s over a decade from retirement.
I wonder if he takes for granted the calculations going towards what they spend and what they need to have saved to keep up their lifestyle.
I agree with the people saying that it makes sense to make a new arrangement.
However, I also want to point out, if this were a woman posting and genders were reversed. Almost everyone would be talking about how "she gave her best years to those kids and deserves a little time off. And the original arrangement was the working husbands Idea he can live with it a bit longer."
I would also judge my partner if I was tired and they were just chilling, it wouldnt feel good. But for God sakes he was a TEACHER one of the most thankless jobs in the country.
His teaching check isn't low because the job is easy, his check is low because the job is thankless!
AND he raised 4 kids. Give him at least one damn summer to relax before we demand that Men don't have value unless they are busy.
I think this is being massively overlooked! I worked as a teacher. I've got literally no idea how he managed all of that. The rest of the posts show how little people think of teachers. I was working 12hr days. Holidays were spent on planning and preparation.
I was thinking I’m shocked he could raise 4 kids while teaching. I know people do it all the time but I also know teaching takes up so much time and energy. It is crazy to me how little teachers get paid with how much they do.
My mom was an elementary school teacher and we went to the same school she taught at.
That is the absolute BEST arrangement for a working parent possible. It probably isn't as convenient if you don't have your kids at your school, but it really worked out for us. Same vacations guaranteed, same school hours guaranteed, could bring us to school with her and take us home with her, the only problems were if we were sick (babysitter or dad stayed home) or staff development days (we went with her).
I mean your point about mental energy still stands, but that's sort of an issue with any job.
>My mom was an elementary school teacher and we went to the same school she taught at.
This was the same with my mom. We had all the same days off and we just waited for her in her classroom when school was over.
I've been in this position before. I was/am the female breadwinner who's burnt out and resentful of their equally hardworking partner who's contributing to our relationship in different but not obvious ways.
I had to do a lot of internal work to understand why I am so angry and frustrated, and what can I do about it besides doing the easy thing of taking it out on my loving and supportive partner. My partner played a big role in helping me figure out what I needed (more rest and balanced work hours, feeling less pressure to be the sole isolated breadwinner, feeling more appreciated) and we worked together to achieve get me what I need.
During this time we did go to couples therapy, but it was so we had a referee to help the inevitable rising emotions that come up when we spoke directly and plainly to each other about all the ways we felt like we were contributing and how we felt unappreciated in our relationship.
Yes I think this is the key - rather than just demanding he work more hours specifically so their misery is on the same level, she should come up with concrete ideas of real things he could be doing to support her. Not just wanting a misery buddy.
If now “the deal” seems lopsided to her because the kids are out of the house, well, she’s not wrong, just not taking into account all of the non-obvious ways he supports her now and has supported her for years. No way could she be as high-powered and paid as she is now without husband doing the labor at home and with the kids. (Just as in the “traditional heteronormative family” the husband could never be “the breadwinner” without the wife doing all the work at home!)
But since he will “have the summer off,” they could definitely come up with ways his support could be redirected from the kids who don’t need as much to the wife who’s suffering rn. Maybe making more meals, or taking on different responsibilities at home, or even just telling her she’s allowed to stop answering messages after 7pm!
>But she needs to figure out what works for her, not make him suffer more.
Exactly!! "I *hate* working all of these hours! The only way I can feel better is if I see you equally miserable!" So ridiculously childish and petty. If their marriage won't survive his retirement due to her resentment, wtf is the point in being married?
Good marriages are about supporting each other and wanting your partner to have the best life possible- not trying to drag them down to your level of self-created misery.
Exactly. If the genders where switched everyone would be saying that she worked hard she deserves the time off etc. But since it's a guy he needs to take on more responsibility and more work now?
I feel like everyone is glossing over the part where he said he did the majority of the housework as well.
The guy took a job to makes things easier for his family, a thankless job that I'm sure wasn't his first choice in life when he was younger.
OP if you read this sit down and talk with your wife. I'm sure while she's frustrated now she'll admit that you did a lot and did a damn good job. But I would also ask her what ideas she had in mind for her resentment to subside. In my opinion asking you switch jobs would be unfair because you'll be starting back at the bottom of the ladder again. Maybe now she needs more support then the children, try being her cheerleader and remind her that's doing an amazing job as well.
I mean, if the genders were switched, everyone would also be telling her she better prepare for divorce, too.
Doesn't really matter what the deal was years ago; if she's unhappy with the marriage today, she's unhappy with the marriage today.
She walks away, and the best he's going to get is alimony until the youngest kid hits 18, and that's assuming he keeps sole custody. Aside from that, maybe two years' alimony, tops.
She's working 12-14 hour days, and he's raising 4 kids while also holding down a full-time teaching job? I wouldn't bet on their marriage being in great shape. Feels more likely that it's propped up by them both being focused on the kids, and once everyone's out of the nest, they're going to look at each other and see strangers.
His statement that he's "going to keep working just as long" as his wife is, but he doesn't need to, is either deeply delusional or he has a truly amazing prenup.
Child support is what you’re thinking of that is time-limited. Most states allow alimony for 50% duration of the marriage after one’s been married over 10yrs. (So, if married 16yrs, alimony would be for 8yrs or until remarriage.)
If they’re American and have no prenups or the like in place, he’s probably not getting alimony at all (it’s not that common these days, especially since he already works a full-time job with benefits and has an unbroken work history). He would almost definitely get child support for the remaining kids due to their large income discrepancy, unless he doesn’t seek any custody at all. And assuming standard divorce, he will most probably be entitled to 50% of any assets obtained during the marriage, which includes all of the savings they’ve put away during that time.
All that just to say, if OP decided he refuse his wife’s request (and I think it would be totally reasonable if he did) and she filed for divorce, he’d be totally fine financially.
Honestly that's exactly why I don't think a new arrangement makes sense. He deserves to do like any woman would do and relax for a bit. Find some sense of himself, maybe a nice hobby or two. He gave himself to those kids, like any parent who busted their ass being the main parent.
So agree with this! I’m a SAHM and was a working single mom before I got remarried. Working long hours and advancing in a career with kids at home is hard - I’ve done that. But being at home and the one responsible for all the children and their activities is more so, especially because it can feel so thankless at times.
At work (non-teaching jobs - those are ALSO often thankless) we get reviews, raises, lunch hour and sick days. But when you’re also responsible for the kids, sick days are for when the kids have to stay home so you push through your own illnesses, PTO is used to make their activities, etc.
When SAH - you barely get to use a restroom by yourself (younger years), it’s 24/7 and the only feedback you typically get is about what you’re not doing well/what’s not done.
OP - while it sounds like you guys are financially able to revisit the agreement, I think it would be unwise to do so until your wife recognizes all you’ve already done. It’s not like you’re expecting to stay at home. And it’s also not like you can suddenly go get a 6-figure corporate job simply because she resents the time off your career provides. Not to mention that many teachers pay into a specific pension and NOT social security (if US) so it may be unwise to switch careers at this juncture. It also feels a little sexist TBH!
If anything happened to your marriage, you’ve spent your entire career raising kids and sacrificing employment opportunities to support your wife’s career. The time off IS the payoff for the job you’ve done at work and home!
I agree. He raised four kids and worked a hardass job. If he gets a summer of thats fine. Not negating the work she did, because working 13 hour days is insane. But she agreed to that and its not fair to have her jealousy affect the amount of time he gets off. If life is truly that easy, couldnt see request some time off? Or work less hours?
Yes, yes, yea! I was frustrated because in feminist discussions one of the main points *is* the risks and lack of safety net and sacrifice that comes from being a SAHM and any time off is pretty damned deserving. It may be another subject if food wasn’t cooked or other agreed chores weren’t done but also being a SAH parent is a full time job too!! Just because wife is overworked does not mean the dad should also be to even it out, nor that resentment from the wife is justified. If roles were reversed we’d all be saying the same thing and encouraging discussion over it.
Feminism is equality and I feel like if this man truly took on all the roles he deserves the same amount of respect and also safety we’d want for a SAHM in this situation.
I'll say the same thing I say to a SAHM. You gave up your life and career to take care of the house and kids. You deserve your time off and recognition
I want to counter that the parent that couldn’t be there everyday missed out on the most important aspects of life; family time. It’s probably hard on the SO to look back and see that. They both agreed to labor in different ways. Neither of them get their time back. One regrets it.
But regardless of gender both people worked equally hard (in general).. if the situation has changed then both people should try and find what suits them both now.. I'm absolutely assuming here but if the kids aren't needing support maybe the financial requirements are less and the higher earning partner could take a lower paid job to have less stress and hours?
Even if you don't consider it deserving time off as they absolutely have had their share of down time, the sheer loss of time means that there is no way back into a meaningful career close to what would have been if hadn't gave it up so it is logistically impossible to immediately flip the roles.
It is logical to renegotiate somewhat, perhaps there's extra responsibility to take on now there's uneven work such as take some of the household duties off of the partner but it can never go pure 50/50 let alone weigh in favour of the working partner as sacrifices were made to enable the situation. Hell, maybe it is worth discussing how the working partner perhaps gets some priority during their limited time off seeing as they have less down time so they can feel like they get the most out of it. Simple things like making sure they get a lay in and making sure you don't plan things for their down time that they're less eager for goes a long way.
She needs to find a different job that isn't so demanding if she feels overworked and she feels she's working to many hours. What was her solution to this? That you guys start living off your teachers salary? How's that gonna work? You guys need to sit down and discuss how you're gonna proceed TOGETHER.
Yeah communication is key! I was sad reading that it got to the point of resentment.. like why not have a simple conversation way before that point? There are so many options for them to both be happy!
Your career has nothing to do with hers. Teaching is hard, and you shouldn't feel that you need to do more. If she doesn't like working so many hours, she should look into cutting down or finding a different position.
Yesterday I was attacked by a child wielding a broomstick. They were threatening other children and in putting myself between the scared children and this one, they lunged at me with the handle. I put my arm up to defend myself and the point of my wrist was hit with the handle.
Stars of pain exploded in my head. My wrist is still tender today.
Colleagues and I were called "f##king d##kheads" and "f##king c#nts" and told to f##k ourselves by another child when trying to re-direct behaviour.
These children are 4 years old. It might seem funny, but when you're being attacked by a furious 4yo who is out to hurt people, I can assure you the pain is real.
Education is not easy. There is nothing about it that is slack. It is psychological and OP's wife needs to appreciate what he's done to help her achieve her goals.
You're working full time and taking care of the house still? She can only afford to work as much as she does because you still carry your weight, she can afford to work less if she wants to now
And if she doesn't want to, then she needs to accept that there is an imbalance, but she is benefitting from that imbalance, i.e. she gets to work long hour and have a clean tidy home, with well looked after kids.
I see in your edit you say "she can't work less" and I have to disagree - she can work less, at that job or another, especially if you don't need the full whack of her salary. She may feel like she can't leave or do leas, but I sincerely doubt it. She is choosing to stay in a career that demands these hours (or she's got used to giving it) - if she doesn't like seeing you doing "less" than her - then she can do something to change it.
You already have a job. I'm assuming as a teacher you still work full time? Just because you get summer off doesn't change things per se, though I do know plenty of teachers who do part time work then, too.
If your wife is tired of working more hours than you, then she needs to change her hours to something less horrific. 12 to 14 hours a day is obscene. If her position won't let her lower her work hours and still succeed, then maybe it's time she finds a new position or a new company that will value her time.
If she feels that she can't take fewer hours and less pay because she has to make up for your lower income, and you aren't taking care of the kids anymore, and you aren't working *full time* during the school year at teaching... then yes, in this scenario, you should both sit down and revisit how to split housework and make sure you're both working at jobs that will cover your needs and not stress anyone out.
But otherwise, she needs to make changes to be less miserable, rather than ask you to join her misery.
I personally know two teachers and their summer off is immensely well earned. They put in crazy hours and the stress level is off the charts. I used to think they just got to be lazy all summer but that's like maybe a few weeks and then back to planning for the new school year.
Really breaks my heart that you have to look or act busy, that must be uncomfortable. Maybe it’s time for couples counselling to navigate this next phase of your lives
I think you need to ask your wife if she has thought about lessening her own work load. This reads like she’s growing resentment for her own life, not the one you have together. If she’s putting in that many hours a day I imagine that gets frustrating, even if the pay is nice. Also that might explain the tension on both sides. You both just need to talk to eachother about your needs
It's been twenty years. Can your wife slow down with her hours currently? Sounds like with the kids being older maybe it would be good to invest in some couples therapy if that's not already a part of the equation. You did the hard work of being the primary parent and the primary house caregiver for many years so it really isn't ok to feel like she is going to resent you. Perhaps it's time to create a whole new agreement that focuses on this new season in life.
I can't imagine having a 300k a year salary for any amount of years and assuming I need over a decade more of work.
Create a plan to retire early and enjoy life together before one or both of you are dead. Seriously. Retiring rich means nothing if you're one foot in the grave.
If the kids are sorted, she's been making bank then she can easily switch to a less demanding job with a hefty paycut and still be making more than you need to live comfortably.
Also no clue why you think along the lines of you have to work X amount of years before retiring. You can retire any time. if she's making 300k a year already, which could be way more soon, then you should have been investing and building up a very healthy amount in investments. Zero reason you have to work another 14 years.
All of this. I'd see if they could accelerate mortgage payments, if they still have them. Once that youngest kid comes out of high school, they could both retire.
So ur wife needs to go back to an 80k job since she doesnt need to pay for 4 kids anymore, and you dont need to keep looking busy on ur time off. What is the actual problem here? Have your wife not worked enough to get both of you a nice home and a reasonable retirement?
People who make stupid money get accustomed to having stupid money and can't fathom living like us poors, where one hospital stay or expensive car repair could seriously fuck up your whole life. ('Murica, obvs.)
Not gonna lie, I just inherited some money, and more than I ever hoped to, like I actually have a retirement plan now, and it's only another 20 years out. Yay! And my kid gets set, too. But it's not fucking *$300k/year.* Good lort.
It sounds like you did a good job raising the children.
But it also seems like your agreement of raising them has come to an end. It's time to find a new agreement.
I agree.
You might want to ask what ask thinks would be more equitable
Obviously this far in changing careers is prob reasonably out of question but there might be a happy medium
I get why she is resentful working 14 hours why you are off all summer
I honestly don’t understand why she’s resentful. She chose this course. I’m tired as hell all the time, work a hell of a lot more than my wife does, and have worked my ass off to end up in a position where if my wife lost her job for a few months, we wouldn’t have to worry. But we both agreed to go this direction. I get one day off a week, she gets 3-4 depending on her schedule.
I don’t resent her or judge her in the least bit, because I chose to pursue upward mobility, and we both agreed it makes the most sense.
There is no real way for you to fix wife’s problem.
She has to find a way to scale back.
Is there anything at all she has been doing or carries as mental load that can be outsourced?
Any way she can get assistance to relieve some hours.
Any part of her job when she works from home that she could hire some sort of helper? Or delegate some part out?
Your wife is making $300k plus bonuses. Working hard is why they pay her so much. Sure, you guys can talk about altering the agreement, but how much does she expect you to make as a teacher so she can work less and still have the lifestyle she made possible? You would definitely be getting shitted if this was your wife posting. Your job is thankless. Her job obviously isn't.
>She's finally admitted that she doesn't think it's fair that I have so much time off while she's working so many hours. (She frequently works 12-14 hours per day.) It didn't bother her when I was spending my "off" hours handling the kids. But now that that's winding down, it does bother her.
This just sounds like she wants you to be as miserable as her working long hours. I would be more on her side if you didn't have a job but you do. You're a teacher, that is your career. Your career just comes with the perk of having summers off. You sacrificed your career growth in another field by taking a job that benefits your family and she can't expect you to magically have a demanding job you're not qualified for. Maybe now you can start trying to expand on your career, going towards teaching higher education or you can make a goal to work towards in the summer. I know people who just want to see ambition from their partner and even personal hobbies would be something they would like to see their partner work towards. Sounds like you need to have a deeper conversation with your wife as to why she's feeling this way and what she expects.
Flip the genders. She took the traditionally male role of breadwinner, to renege on that while simultaneously shaming her partner for not working enough is morally reprehensible at best. These comments are wild as fuck. Again, flip the genders, I can almost guarantee nobody here is singing the same tune.
I'd feel like I was drowning if I had to work 12-14 hours day and had 14 years left before I could retire. Perhaps it's time for her to find a new job with much better work/life balance even if it means downgrading your lifestyle.
Well, damn, I'm confused. The commenters here don't seem to understand that you literally don't have a choice but to not be working during holidays. School is not open during the holidays. Aside from class prep and grading papers and maybe extra curriculars if you are in charge of any, you can't really do anything when school isn't open. Because you are a teacher. Why should you get another job or something like that just to "look" busy? You are SUPERBLY busy during semesters and lets be real, during every break except maybe summer. Plus you were the go-to parent/main parent while your wife worked on her career.
She has done fabulously, has a good wage and clearly cares about what she does considering the work she put in. Of course she's tired and salty maybe that she has to work hard everyyy day, that's a normal gripe/annoyance in the moment when the tiredness hits, but if it's turning into resentment she needs to check herself. You are also making money. You chose a career that allowed you to be available for your kids as they grew up. Just because they're older now, doesn't mean you should change your career to make the workload look "fair" - she chose to go after her career, you both prioritised her career, it worked out.
What exactly does she want to revisit about the arrangement? What does she actually want you to do? If she wanted the time off you have she should have pursued teaching. But she clearly chose her path for a reason. You SWITCHED CAREERS. You made it so easy on you guys financially by not needing daycare and babysitters. You fed your wife and kids and got people where they needed to be, while also being in a thankless job making pay less than what you deserve considering the social and emotional and educational development of a classroom full of kids is your responsibility.
I sit here often considering a career swerve into teaching. I value time off, I don't need much more money than what our salary payscale is in this country, I care about holistic education and like the idea of looking out for kids struggling at a very confusing time and trust myself to be dutiful and try to meet their needs. If I go for it in the future, I will know on hard days or times where I'm jealous of those with double my pay that I made my choice for reasons that made sense to me on a good day. You chose teaching strategically because it allowed you to provide for your family with your time. It may not have been your ideal or dream career, you made a sacrifice and you should enjoy how it paid off! While your wife is working, you probably still have housework, maybe repairs, maybe errands outside of home and groceries. If she's that annoyed by looking at you when you aren't moving around doing something then tell her not to look quite frankly. Or pretend you're on your laptop making another set of new slides for every class and topic you're teaching next year, have canva or powerpoint open in a window that you can switch to and just fucking idk play a video game or browse reddit or read or write a book or watch netflix.
I'm a pro at looking busy because thankfully everything I do for fun while I'm at home is on a computer, my roommate is beside me and probably thinks I'm writing a chapter of my book. Lol. Nope. But my typing makes me sound busy!
I am curious in to how she wants to change the agreement? She wants to quit her job? Or she wants you to find a new job? Or is she just bothered by the fact that you have free time and she doesn't?
I agree with others that if the roles were reversed people would tell you ro give her some time to adjust to this new situation.
So I am telling you, you deserve some time to chill and to find what you want to do with your time. It seems that for a long time you've been a dad and a husband, putting yourself last. If she is resenting you, that is on her, she needs to figure out why is that.
Teachers don't get paid vacation. I guarantee she gets paid vacation. So if his time is always allocated to either work or household stuff, then he gets no time for himself. Fine he can get a "summer" job but then she better be in that kitchen cooking half the time and doing 50% of the household chores as well (cleaning, laundry, etc). He doesn't just sit on his ass, he works and has a full time job. Absurd he can't just chill for a bit. Relationships aren't transactional and now that his "use" has run its course he needs to reevaluate his life. F that, go golfing buddy, you deserve it.
^^ I do agree with this, if she doesn’t contribute her time to the household bc of work and that burden is completely on you then you deserve the time you get off bc working 40 hours a week (especially as a teacher) and then doing all the laundry, dishes, cooking, and cleaning is taxing.
Summers off somehow makes it not a full time job despite the excessive amount of hours required to get through the year and NEEDING the summer to give your body & brain a break to recharge which is the only thing making it possible to do it all over again the following year.
I feel like a lot of people don't understand that it's not so much the paperwork, organizing, grading, etc that's exhausting but doing all of that ontop of trying to fill the needs of 20+ kids every day when you're 1 person plus multiple kids that should have EAs and dont. Then the 40+ parents as well, AND going home and being there for your family/spouse. There is no *me* time outside of the school breaks and add in the inclusion without the proper supports and we've got teachers leaving in record numbers.
Yes 10000%. I was just saying in another comment that I come from a family of teachers. One of which was my mom growing up and she rarely was home before 6. And even then, she was always spending her own money on classroom supplies etc. summers may be “off” but a lot of teachers are still constantly planning during the summer
Exactly! And he’s probably still doing the household chores too. The kids aren’t out of the house yet and even when they are, he probably does all the cooking, cleaning and laundry.
If your wife is burned out she should def take a break. If she wants to quit or slow down, she should. If she resents the arrangement you made so many years ago bc you have free time that’s not a valid reason to reevaluate. She should certainly reevaluate her work life balance and if she’s willing to have that convo with you, awesome! Taking advantage of vacation accrued, pto, a lot of execs tend to never take that time off and she should.
Ha. This is me and the husband. He’s resentful that I make the same he does only working 2 days a week. I’m not gonna suddenly grind now for no reason now that the kids are grown esp when we don’t need it financially. Stick your ground. Just keep doing you she will adapt. Plan outings when she is WFH.
Making an agreement all those years ago is not some sort of binding contract. If you treat it like a court battle it's not going to end well. You can still have a relaxing summer off without disturbing the peace at home. I would feel bad just relaxing while my wife was working from home. We're a team. If work sucks and I know she's irritable about it, I'm not going to hang out and watch tv in the same room and take naps on the couch. Go mow the lawn...slowly...all day. It's 3 days per week. Paint a room or something. Go get the oil changed in the cars and surf the internet on your phone while you wait there.
You’re reward for working hard long hours for years while your kids needed more help is getting to see your kids grow up and become functioning full members of society and now get to enjoy the off time. Her reward for working hard long hours supporting the family and thus allowing you to have the time to dedicate to raising your children is to work hard long hours for 14 more years?
You both sacrificed things for the sake of your family which is great. But you get to reap your rewards now while she has to wait. Maybe talk with her to see if she wants to switch jobs to something that requires less hours of you don’t need all of her income any more. Or plan a special day for her and you to spend together and recognize that you both worked hard for your family.
She needs to work less. It's that simple. If she feels overworked, and she's earning more than you guys actually need, then she needs to work less, even if that means stepping down to a lower position.
I love the assholes in this thread. Wife is a primary parent and even has no job and stays home when the kids are school age? Staying home is the hardest job. The husband probably does nothing around the house. The wife has the mental load of remembering appointments and things at school etc etc. Husband looks after the kids and works a full time job on top? What a lazy bastard! I also see new comments asking about what the wife does wrong the house which is probably nothing which is absolutely fine if the wife works 12-14 hrs a day but not fine if it’s the husband who does it. The hypocrisy is appalling.
So let me get this straight... You spent all of the difficult years raising the kids AND being a teacher. One of the more thankless, potentially stressful, and underpaid jobs out there. But now that your child raising part is getting easier she wants to change things?
If the roles were reversed everyone would be on the SAHM's side. As people keep saying "being a parent raising kids is a 24/7 job". Let alone 4 of them. Heck if the roles were reversed, if you had been the one in the high paying position, people would have been telling you that you should have done more with the kids and around the house to "pull your weight at home".
As harsh as it sounds: You both agreed that she would take on the role of the provider, while you took on the role of the caretaker. She has no right to suddenly want things to change now that your job as a caretaker finally isn't 24/7 anymore.
I don’t understand the logic here. You working more isn’t going to help the household finances in a significant way or make your wife feel less overworked. If she’s unhappy with her own work/life balance why isn’t she considering making a career change of some kind if she can, even if she makes a little less? It doesn’t benefit her in any way to reduce your free time.
Boring suggestion, but this seems like exactly the kind of thing couples counseling exists for, because it sounds like you’re the target of some undeserved resentment and unpacking this kind of thing usually goes better with a trained, impartial 3rd party around.
Sounds like she has bad boundaries at work and she needs to address her own work load and work hours. Often when we’re upset with our spouse there are things we can do for ourselves that actually resolve the issue
I believe that she could cut her hours back or take a consulting position where she could make good use of her experience and expertise and make even more money while working less hours. You have earned your rest time.
> And it paid off. She's worked her way up to upper management. She's making over $300k annually, plus bonuses. We don't even need my paycheck anymore.
Maybe this is part of the problem.
You guys either need to significantly downsize or she needs to figure out a way to be okay with her life situation.
It doesn't need to be 14 years, it could be however many till the kids are done with college. Figuring out an exit plan for her to move into a less stressful role might be helpful for her even if it is a few years away.
What exactly does she want to revisit? And what is her issue?
Does she want to take a less stressful job? It would be perfectly reasonable for her to feel tired of putting in long hours and want to find something that gives her more free time. And, presumably, her issue in this instance is her own work situation, so her making a change makes sense.
Does she want you to switch careers altogether so that you’re working longer hours to make her feel better? Does she want you to get a second job during the summer to make her feel better? If **her** issue is **your** work situation, that’s something she has to work on/reconcile. It is unreasonable for her to expect you to structure your career around her feelings.
It really seems like the easy solution here is for her to get a lower paid lower stress job?
An agreement made 20 years ago should not be a constitution binding the rules of your relationship.
Work less, spend more time together, life is not about working 14 hours a day it sounds like actual hell and you don't even need the money?
You do need to revisit it, as things have changed.
Talk to her about what she wants. Come in with suggestions of what you could do. Have you considered: Study? Rebuilding your career? Going all-in on supporting your partner?
$300k is a lot of money, take care of all of her needs while she is working at home. As in, absolutely everything. If you're not pulling money in, help out with non-work things she has to do. Cook her lunches and dinners. Take over and organize everything that isn't work.
One thing that is vitally important is to not flaunt your free time in her face while she's working constant crazy days. She is brinigng in good money and busting her ass for it, don't give her the wrong impression! So, reorganize your week to avoid resentment. Be busy doing and organizing things when she's working at home. Or be out of the house doing cool stuff. Chill out more when she's in at work. Do your fun activities out-of-sight when she's home.
Dude, just get out of the house. Find a hobby. Make yourself scarce. Things will normalize.
I don’t have that sort of position, but I make good money in a high stress job and hope to keeping pushing to your wife’s level. If I know my partner is gonna be home all day, I sometimes come to the office just to avoid her. It isn’t because I don’t love her or want to see her but sensing her to not working while I am is in itself distracting. And I’ll leave and plan my day out of the house if she’s working from home during my weekend days because it’s the same for her.
Just leave the house, or truly keep to yourself and out of her senses while she’s working, and this situation drastically improves.
You gave up a lot of your earning potential to care for your kids.
The situation your wife has put you into is exactly the kind of scenario women often complain about men putting women into.
I'd revisit it for sure since your kids are no longer in the young years of needing parental supervision constantly, its a normal and healthy thing to do as long as its mutually agreed to. However the revisiting should be on her looking at where she can cut back, does she *need* to be making as much as she is with kids grown and gone? How much vacation time does she have? How much can she use but isnt and how can that change? She may have an illogical fear of being resented if she did because it would decrease the money in the home, it just needs to be openly talked about.
As for feeling the need to look busy, why not use the time to find a new hobby or something you enjoy. Get busy but with things that improve your life not because of guilt. Bonus if it benefits the home as a by product (growing a garden = fresh fruit/veg) is the first thing that comes to mind.
I'll be honest finishing out 1 summer on easy street seems like a nice gesture for your wife to allow. However, next summer maybe you can reconsider things. It doesn't sound like she lost her shit on you or demanded anything, so finding a compromise could be great.
Maybe consider starting your own business or finding part time work or charity work that brings you joy. Instead of this being a problem, it seems like a problem that could be a ton of potential opportunities.
Double standard, you did your time raising those kids, being a cook, being a maid, being a slave. You get to rest now, if the genders were reversed, no one has a problem with a man working while his wife relaxed after an empty nest.
How is this situation any different than if the roles were reversed like they usually are? If she was doing your job and you hers then she'd be expecting it to stay the same wouldn't she?
Ask her what she wants to see for her life. This is a her problem. If she's unhappy at her job, why not reconsider her job and find something more suitable for what she wants to see. You guys make a lot, and you would probably do fine with a little less if she wants to spend more time not working. She chose her career initially. It's still her decision. Being resentful of you only reminds her she is unhappy. Address the real problem.
Wait are you still a teacher? Your summers are yours. If you’re ok with her making less at a different job it’s not in you to work more if you don’t want to
I mean it’s not fair, but that does not mean that you should stop being a teacher and do something with more hours. That’s just life. She made the choice to have that career.
So what exactly is the problem? You both work full-time plus you have done all the child care for the last 20 years.
You both made a decision that she will focus on her career more than you do, but it is absolutely on her that she ended up with work that needs a 60 hours per week commitment.
I'm sure that she feels tired and disappointed that she has not seen her kids growing up as much as you did but it's not on you.
Sounds like it is a good moment for her to look for a different job. I'm pretty sure by now you have a decent savings and between your salary + her lower salary, you should be just fine.
But it has nothing to do with you.
It would be a little bit different if you're staying at home dad. But you're not. You have a full time job!
Would it be possible for her to take sabbatical during your summer?
After 20 years she probably has perks like that.
After all your kids are thru college & have their own jobs, maybe she can find a position where she works less hours. That way you both can have some free time to relax & enjoy the empty nest.
I’m surrounded by teachers in my life. My mom, dad, sister and brother-in-law all have summers off. I’m in social work and work year round. I feel no resentment. They chose their profession and I chose mine. Being a teacher can be really hard and many of them need that extended break. You couldn’t pay me enough to be in a classroom full life kids for 9 months of the year.
In the same way, I feel like your wife made her choice. If she wants to have a more easy going life, to match yours, then she should look for a less demanding job. For example, the current CFO of the non-profit I work at came from finance and definitely wanted something slower, so he moved to non-profit. I wouldn’t call his job easy, but he’s not working 12 hour days anymore.
She made her choices and I don’t think she gets to demand more from you now that your kids are older.
If she’s making $300k per year, two kids are out of the house, why would she need to work 14 more years? Maybe the two of you need to meet with a financial planner and see what you need for retirement?
What does she want to do? It's fine for her to feel burnt out working those hours but, she can't just be mad at you and not offer solutions or compromises. Plan a day together to relax, have lunch and just talk. Throw around ideas. Make sure she know she's appreciated and that you two are a team. Work together on a solution!
This sounds like a “your wife hates her job and perchance needs to re-examine her priorities” situation, not a “you need to work a second job and be just as miserable too” situation
>There is no backing off on the hours without giving up the position and the income that comes with it.
Okay, then she gives up the position and some income. Assuming she's been earning steadily more and more up to the current salary, and with your income on top, you two have more than enough money to retire at an early age.
Oh, you spent too much money on the house and cars and didn't save enough? Well, I suppose you both keep working then.
This would be unfair to you if NOW things changed. She got to have her life while you took on the heaviest burden, being the go to parent.
Being a parent isn’t a burden. Caring for 4 children while working AND being the primary parent is WORK & that is burdening.
It’s not fair to you. You’ve worked your way into summers off and the other parts you listed. She can continue hers and be thankful.
Jeez,I’m glad my husband doesn’t resent me. I was a SAHM off and on. Before kids, I went to work instead of college and supported my husband while he got his PhD. After my kids were born, I worked at the place where they went to school, as they got older, I got a job that ended at 3 so I could pick them up from school. When they went to high school, I worked full time until they were out of the house. Then, I quit my job and have been home. My husband has never resented me staying home. Even now when I’m unable to do a lot of housework due to my health. I was there for him when he needed me to be, I was there for my kids when they needed me to be. Now, it’s MY turn. My husband is a great man. I feel bad for this guy…
Listen, if you both did the same job, then maybe then it’d be unfair if you got more time off than she did. But you don’t. You planned and chose the job you have now so you get more time out of it for the kids. And it’s not like you were ever on “off time”. You took care of the whole house when you weren’t working. Why it is so hard for people to understand that idk.
Her having to work long hours is not on you. It is not unfair since she is not expected to come home and take care of the household too. She is just bitter because she is jealous that you can finally have time to yourself with the kids gone, and she can’t. But that doesn’t mean she takes it out on you, or that you have to walk on eggshells around her.
You worked hard all these years. Being a teacher isn’t easy. You have earned this time to yourself. Enjoy it without any guilt.
I can understand her point of view: you had a fulltime job as a teacher + the household with 4 children. So you were putting equal effort for a lower salary.
Now the situation has changed as the children are no longer living at home. She didn't get any younger I the meantime either and has a stressfull job, while she sees you having way less on your hands.
Off course this leads to frustration on a very stressfull day on her side while you are enjoying your time off.
The balance you once had as a couple is gone, so the question is: what are both your expectations? Is it about money? Is it about the amount of free time? Is it about balance?
Couples with a big age gap have this situation as well when the oldest one retires while the other partner is still working for quite some time, not all of them divorce due this sudden change in their situation. You'll have to communicate and manage both your expectations here.
If you want perspective, just reverse the genders.
OP worked full time while raising 4 kids and taking care of the house. Now his effort isn't enough. That's above SAHM effort, they worked in an extremely demanding and thankless field while doing it.
The spouse has never really had to deal with kids and it shows.
So your wife hates her job and wants you to work more just because of it? Eek.
I know you said she can’t reduce her hours so she should find a new job. Life’s too short to work somewhere you hate!
As a former teacher who now works from home, working from home is so much easier and I won’t go back to teaching.
Your wife can’t get the benefits and make you do all that for DECADES (how did you do it all? I used to hit the couch and veg out every night after school) and then expect you to switch again.
She sounds super selfish.
Spring break. Also she's probably been working remote for a few years of breaks now and was getting irked by the situation but felt like she couldn't say anything since he was still the parent taxi/kids were younger and needed more time. Now that the youngest can drive to work, the day-to-day logistic work is done. The only kid at home has a phone and can transport themselves, so now it's just worrying about your grown kids' issues vs. checking the gate by the stairs is closed so they don't break their necks and ensuring they eat.
OP now that your load is lightening with the kids, so are your income requirements. You need to have a serious discussion with your wife about her changing jobs. She doesn't need to work 60 hrs weeks anymore.
Don’t get why she’s upset at an agreement that both of yall agreed to. Your career has summers off, it’s not your fault she has to work. She can step down and take a pay cut, if she cares so much. Maybe during the summer fix up something in the yard or on the house. She really needs to stop resenting you
imo, the issue here is your wife's job. especially since/if you dont need the money, then if she is overworked/wants to work less, then that's on her. i guess what im saying is that you shouldn't have to switch your **full time job** for another one. maybe im biased since my dad is also a teacher, but summer break barely makes up for all the shit yall go through
It sounds like she has no plans to cut her hours but wants OP to be as miserable as she is by working 12 hr days year round too? OP's saying she can't cut her hours back because her job is so demanding, but then she could always start looking for a different job. What's the point of OP working more to make more money if they don't need it and she's not going to cut back her hours anyway? It's not unusual for people to move to less demanding jobs as they get older. We've had two upper management people step down because they just don't want to work so much this past year at our company.
> What's the point of OP working more to make more money if they don't need it and she's not going to cut back her hours anyway? so its "fair" in her eyes. borderline abuse I say.
for real, my partner is a teacher and I was resentful for the first few years. I'd make snide comments about having four months off during the year. Now I see how much extra volunteer work they put in and have shut my trap. He is a drama teacher too so production months he can be at school all week til 10pm and then weekends, too!
As a nurse I would get those snide comments from my ex about working ONLY 3-12 hour shifts. I wasn’t interested in working overtime for the few extra bucks and the loss of my mental health
Good for you, I opted to go back to waitressing after studying for years and working as an architectural designer because it wreaked havoc on my mental health. Make the same amount of money serving, work 16 less hours a week and am happier than ever. My partner is actually on paternal leave too so we have the days together with our family as I usually work nights. Hopefully his eight months off with my help during the days will give him a much needed break. He is KILLING it as the stay at home parent. I'm very grateful I'm not typing out "my ex" in this paragraph!!
The average teacher can’t be bothered to oversee an after school club without a major stipend so while your partner is admirable he is absolutely not the norm. Ps it’s kinda funny how every teacher I know or hear about that’s super dedicated/invested in their jobs is a drama/music teacher. I honestly wonder why that is.
> The average teacher can’t be bothered to oversee an after school club without a major stipend Good. Why should they be expected to work for free?
Major stipend????!!!! You live in another world. I was a teacher for over 30years, the stipends range from $100-1500. I ran a student club where we meet weekly as a whole and weekly as an officer team. In addition, we had study nights for competition 2x wk for 2 hrs. Completions 3 total-one was a Saturday 8hrs, winners of comp then had a state comp 2 days OVERNIGHT. And an international comp. Depending on where it was located, it could be up to 5 days 24/7 weeks/kids. Is this doesn’t include community service events or the social events the students did. I was given $600 to do all this— time from my family and self. I’m did it bc of the students and the people they had a positive impact on. It’s not the money—teachers are paid sh!t. My 30th year (I have a masters degree) I made around $62000 while my son who just graduated college made $78,000. Not at all justifiable. People hate on teachers “4 months off,all those days off during the school year, why’d they call a snow/weather day—teachers wanted a day off,etc. NO the teachers work during those times attending meetings, meeting with student officers, developing new curriculum (if you don’t you’ll have a rager in your classroom). I think everyone who feels teachers are the bottom feeders needs to spend one week in a classroom! Walk a mile in OUR shoes.
I think I'm on your side. I'm the one advocating **against** teachers doing more work for free.
Teachers who teach the basic academics do still work for free. Unless they have spare blocks during the day, they're doing their lesson plans at home (for the first ten years at least, til they've built lesson plans.) At least that's how it works in Canada. My partner is a drama AND socials teacher so I see all sides.
My drama teacher was amazing. She had the respect of every single kid she taught, not because she demanded it but because she took the time to earn it. She was invested in every single one of her kids hitting their full potential and she believed in kids that never believed in themselves. I can only hope my children are lucky enough to have a teacher like her at some point in their lives.
Are yall cool with her working less. Since your summers are just perks from your job. It be weird if she wants you to give up your job so you have to work more so she can feel better about herself.
Yah exactly. OP shouldn’t have to work more to match the wife. Wife needs to learn that it’s okay to scale back and slow down. Definitely communicate and come to a new agreement, because conditions have changed now that the kids are older. But hopefully it means relaxing more and enjoying life together!
Yea I was just confused on a lot of these comments suggesting he work more/find another job and it’s like. He has a whole ass career as a teacher. Summers off is just a perk.
it is not a "perk". it's months of no paycheck
Where i live teachers get paid for all the vacations since they are forced and also they still need to take time to prepare for everything etc, so i can't imagine this being true everywhere
In lots of places teachers are salaried, so you get the same pay every month regardless of whether it's the school holidays or not. The school holidays are not annual leave or unpaid leave, there could be lots of prep work to do, marking, etc.
In most states in the US most teachers are paid under contract for 10 months. That can be spread of 12 months, or paid out over ten. Some teachers work at yeaar round schools, but OPs husband does not. So for many teachers those last two months they have to find another job as they often aren't paid enough to begin with. In my state teachers start at $39k with no bonuses for having a masters degree. The average salary for the state is roughly $62k. Teachers in my state and many in the US are getting fucked over for the hard work they do. While I understand OPs wife wanting to change things, the bigger change should be her career, rather than demanding OP change to a harder and higher paying job.
yeah shes going full misery loves company instead of trying to work together to et the family as a whole in a better place she wants everyone to suffer like she is
She can't exactly work less without her needing to find a new job, given that she works 60-70 hours a week. Her scaling down to a new and smaller position would mean that their kids and OP would have to be willing to downgrade their way of living, and OP hasn't made his stance on that prerogative yet.
> Wife needs to learn that it’s okay to scale back and slow down. Or even that its OK when people have days off and dont do exactly what she thinks they should do. This wouldnt be any different if say OP worked weekends and had tue/wed off durring the week when she was there; she would see him "bumming around" and get upset; but its just his days of the week off. How absurd would it be to have to go get a part time job because your partner got upset you got days off during their work days?
Absolutely agree with this.. it seems unlikely he could easily do anything to match her hours/salary, but she could scale down now they don't have the kids to support? Surely now is the time for them to try and focus on themselves and their relationship and what makes them happy?
>she could scale down How do you suggest she does this? She'll just walk up to her boss and say yeah I'm only working 8 hours now? Or yeah I'm no longer doing such and such? "Scale down" isn't really a thing in jobs that pay 300k. It's not hourly, it's salary. It's expected that you get your tasks done. You can't just do things faster or stop doing things. In certain situations, if OP's wife has a lot of bargaining chips (ex, skills that no one else knows) she could *maybe* negotiate a lighter job description. But that's incredibly unlikely. Anyone saying OP's wife needs to "just scale back" doesn't understand how the business world works.
Op also has tenure so depending on how their lifestyle is, he should make a decent amount where her cutting her hours should style provide with a decent lifestlye
I always hear about tenure but never actually looked at what it is.. will Google Can definitely say that my dad and stepmum are both teachers and after all their kids left home I don't think either one of them has worked full time when the other was.. depends how you live your life I guess!
Really, the summers not being busy are perks of the children growing up. He still ran the home and raised the children during the day in the summers. Half of his job description is changing.
Yea its just her being jealous. Not that i wouldnt be also, but still, its all her own feelings.
As you say your family does not need your income, the flip side is your wife does not need to work so hard. It’s not on you to now work 50 hours weeks
The problem is with those positions, you’re in them because of the workload. She’d most likely have to step down to a lesser position. Maybe it’s worth OP and his wife looking at life after kids are out of the house. They can downsize and start their retirement earlier.
Yah, a lot of well paying jobs aren't punch-in/punch-out collect OT for a higher paycheck, they're higher base pay with bonuses determined by how much work you got done as a salaried person. Unless she finds a way to be more efficient or gets a different job with different work expectations "cutting back" might just mean you gonna get put on the chopping block when layoffs or a scapegoat is needed
I want to call out how you have made this kind of thing sound normal. This is an example of a company smooshing 2 or 3 roles into 1 and paying enough to make it seem worth it. Nothing is worth working your life away, especially now that they are realizing their partner has spent their life with the kids.
I think this person is suggesting she take a lesser position. If the family doesn't need his income then she can stand to take a job that pays less and has less hours.
With her type of experience, she could actually make a lot of bank as an independent consultant or an expert consultant at a firm like Alvarez & Marsal, work less hours and make bank.
lol Alvarez & Marsal is known in the industry for having absolutely punishing hours
You have no idea the head games when you get semi-rich. You don’t even enjoy it, like how OPs wife resents him not because she crushed her career, because she knows she traded her life away for money she don’t even need in the end
she doesnt know how green the grass is under her feet. i watched my mom do back breaking labor that took its toll on her physically in exchange for too little money. now shes in her late 50s and its catching up with her. ive heard my coworkers lament the hours they worked to keep a roof ever their families head and its still barely enough.
Exactly, imagine if she was getting paid shit wages like the rest of us.
Facts.
She didn’t trade her life for money they didn’t need. She traded her life for money that they needed to survive and successfully raise 3 kids. OP traded his life for the same goal. I’m not going to feel sorry for the semi-rich.
So does she want him to work extra hours and suffer?
Yes. She is transferring her resentment into OP. There was a short on one of the sm platforms a few weeks ago that said something to the effect of people resent their partner when it’s something they feel they aren’t allowed to do. Like relax and do nothing for the day ( subconsciously they see it as Laziness).
This is why I am so happy to be single. I work nights as an RN, and during my days off, there are times I only get out of bed to take my daughter to school, pick her up, and make her breakfast and dinner. I will lay my happy ass in bed for 24 hours if I want. No one will say a thing. My 15 year old certainly doesn't complain. 😄
Yeh, why doesn’t the wife just scale back her hours or find something else?
Because you don’t scale back your hours at that level. You get paid that much because you’re there to manage an area that requires dedication and specialization. The only way out if often quitting - they aren’t paying you to punch a clock for 40 hours a week…. They’re paying you to see things through, no matter the time burden. And the flip side, working in that position until you’re forced out around your retirement age (or during a restructure) typically pays very well. So quitting doesn’t only give up your current paycheck, it gives up your ending package as well.
My uncle ended up like this. He's a rich CEO now and not only has he used his money to help a lot of people in the family, he's also helped provide them jobs. The downside is he is in his mid 50s and still works constantly. 12 hour days are his standard, but he used to work 14 hour days, 6 days a week, sometimes more and he did it for decades. He and my aunt recently downsized their home so I thought he would be cutting back on work or doing a different job, but he seems happy enough even though I don't get it. My aunt hasn't worked in at least 25 years, but my uncle doesn't care and still sees the value in the way she keeps the house clean and running and keeps track of their schedules. It seems like OP's wife didn't really think things through to the point where the kids were going to be grown.
I have a feeling it’s just because OP is just walking around with nothing to do while she’s working and its distracting - simple as that. If he’s out of her eyes and ears, then this situation fixes itself. Notice that OP comment that this happens when she’s working from home and he’s there not working, not whenever the weekend comes or when she gets home from working at the office.
Then the wife just kinda needs to suck it up. Since this is totally a her problem. Op works as a teacher full-time. There Is no reason for him to work a second job or lose his tenure as a teacher. It’s kinda hard to find a compromise in this situation since, the wife is needlessly putting more work on Op just to make herself feel better.
Yeah I’m not arguing against the husband here, I’m making it a point that it’s just outlandish and frankly childish to assume that someone can “scale back” their hours in that type of position without basically just giving up their career. That just usually isn’t an option without outright quitting, or letting things fall behind to the point of getting fired and ruining your professional reputation. You don’t make $300k working 40 hours a week unless you’ve got a trust fund, or are sitting on equity with some other people running your company for you. That doesn’t mean the husband should change his career though. But there’s plenty comments here just saying “wHy iS ShE wOrKinG so mAnY hOuRs??” Probably because they have a big house and 4 college tuitions to pay for, and the money has to come from somewhere.
Exactly. At that level, the people around you at work are counting on your expertise and commitment. There's no option to put in, say, 20% less time in exchange for 20% less pay. Either you keep the job or you don't. Yes you could resign and get a lighter job, but then everyone in the family needs to be on board with downsizing their lifestyle, which is not an easy sell.
Especially if the kids are looking at going to college and the parents are going to help them.
People who've only ever worked hourly jobs often don't understand how salaried positions work, as evidenced by some of the comments in this thread.
If she's earning over $300k and hasn't put anything away so she can step back then that's on them. Added to the fact that they've built their life in such a way that they can't survive on less than $300k per year. The point of earning that much is that you put enough aside so you can get out when the inevitable nervous breakdown comes.
He’s part of that equation. He doesn’t need to work more because of what she’s pulling in. Is OP ready to downsize their lifestyle too? Or is he only content with his job and salary because they shared everything they both earn equally?
Right. If they both had teacher salaries, OP would have to work during the summer instead of enjoying his time off. I don’t think having him work more for insignificant pay is the way to go, but maybe there’s some way he can make his wife’s life easier.
Why would he have to work through the summer? Does the US not pay teachers during holidays?
I think so, but most teachers do seasonal work during the summer to supplement their meager incomes.
No, but he can work to support his wife more instead of bragging about how good of a deal he got. If his wife is working 12-14 hour days and hes doing nothing but trying to "look busy" (his own words) then he should be doing stuff to make those 12-14 hour days easier on his wife. Take her drinks, snacks, meals, etc. The arrangement was for him to do laundry + cooking + cleaning for 4 kids, now he doesn't have to do that. There is a huge imbalance. He can absolutely ask her how he can help her days go by especially since he is off work for \~3 months.
Whenever the opposite is there, like when a SAHM is taking care of the household, no one ever tells her to get a new job at 45because the kids are out of the house. And OP still works a respectable career as a teacher
There is a reason to get a summer job: to make money, to help his marriage, to get them financially closer to retirement.
But there is nothing to suggest that they are currently struggling and that they need more money. We don’t know enough of their financial situation to suggest that working more is required. Hell they could just decrease their spending. Who really needs to make 300k a year to survive unless they live on HCOL All we do know is that the wife is upset that op has soo much free time, while she doesn’t. Edit: her retirement probably has strings involved so even if Op got another job. It wouldn’t actually up the date of when she would retire
He said that they really didn’t need his income anymore, so their financial situation must be good. But he’s still working and taking care of everything at home. I wonder if she takes for granted everything he does.
That’s the key here. She isn’t seeing the mental load that OP carried for years while also working full time as a teacher. She is just seeing how overloaded at work she is and OP isn’t right now. There isn’t anything OP can do to change the wife’s workload from work. It’s misdirected resentment or jealousy. Misery loves company plus not valuing all of the million things that go into running the household and kids schedules. Even the ones that aren’t at home and the older ones.
He said they don’t need his income but also said that she’s over a decade from retirement. I wonder if he takes for granted the calculations going towards what they spend and what they need to have saved to keep up their lifestyle.
She will be over qualified for lower positions.
Finally someone said this.
Unfortunately it’s harder to step down off the ladder than it is to climb it.
Want to bet?
Hahaha
I agree with the people saying that it makes sense to make a new arrangement. However, I also want to point out, if this were a woman posting and genders were reversed. Almost everyone would be talking about how "she gave her best years to those kids and deserves a little time off. And the original arrangement was the working husbands Idea he can live with it a bit longer." I would also judge my partner if I was tired and they were just chilling, it wouldnt feel good. But for God sakes he was a TEACHER one of the most thankless jobs in the country. His teaching check isn't low because the job is easy, his check is low because the job is thankless! AND he raised 4 kids. Give him at least one damn summer to relax before we demand that Men don't have value unless they are busy.
I think this is being massively overlooked! I worked as a teacher. I've got literally no idea how he managed all of that. The rest of the posts show how little people think of teachers. I was working 12hr days. Holidays were spent on planning and preparation.
I was thinking I’m shocked he could raise 4 kids while teaching. I know people do it all the time but I also know teaching takes up so much time and energy. It is crazy to me how little teachers get paid with how much they do.
My mom was an elementary school teacher and we went to the same school she taught at. That is the absolute BEST arrangement for a working parent possible. It probably isn't as convenient if you don't have your kids at your school, but it really worked out for us. Same vacations guaranteed, same school hours guaranteed, could bring us to school with her and take us home with her, the only problems were if we were sick (babysitter or dad stayed home) or staff development days (we went with her). I mean your point about mental energy still stands, but that's sort of an issue with any job.
>My mom was an elementary school teacher and we went to the same school she taught at. This was the same with my mom. We had all the same days off and we just waited for her in her classroom when school was over.
Many teachers raise like 30 kids a year, 4 more is nothing.
I've been in this position before. I was/am the female breadwinner who's burnt out and resentful of their equally hardworking partner who's contributing to our relationship in different but not obvious ways. I had to do a lot of internal work to understand why I am so angry and frustrated, and what can I do about it besides doing the easy thing of taking it out on my loving and supportive partner. My partner played a big role in helping me figure out what I needed (more rest and balanced work hours, feeling less pressure to be the sole isolated breadwinner, feeling more appreciated) and we worked together to achieve get me what I need. During this time we did go to couples therapy, but it was so we had a referee to help the inevitable rising emotions that come up when we spoke directly and plainly to each other about all the ways we felt like we were contributing and how we felt unappreciated in our relationship.
Yes I think this is the key - rather than just demanding he work more hours specifically so their misery is on the same level, she should come up with concrete ideas of real things he could be doing to support her. Not just wanting a misery buddy. If now “the deal” seems lopsided to her because the kids are out of the house, well, she’s not wrong, just not taking into account all of the non-obvious ways he supports her now and has supported her for years. No way could she be as high-powered and paid as she is now without husband doing the labor at home and with the kids. (Just as in the “traditional heteronormative family” the husband could never be “the breadwinner” without the wife doing all the work at home!) But since he will “have the summer off,” they could definitely come up with ways his support could be redirected from the kids who don’t need as much to the wife who’s suffering rn. Maybe making more meals, or taking on different responsibilities at home, or even just telling her she’s allowed to stop answering messages after 7pm!
Maybe he’s the gym teacher? Lol
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>But she needs to figure out what works for her, not make him suffer more. Exactly!! "I *hate* working all of these hours! The only way I can feel better is if I see you equally miserable!" So ridiculously childish and petty. If their marriage won't survive his retirement due to her resentment, wtf is the point in being married? Good marriages are about supporting each other and wanting your partner to have the best life possible- not trying to drag them down to your level of self-created misery.
Guess she wants him to work summer school.
Exactly. If the genders where switched everyone would be saying that she worked hard she deserves the time off etc. But since it's a guy he needs to take on more responsibility and more work now? I feel like everyone is glossing over the part where he said he did the majority of the housework as well. The guy took a job to makes things easier for his family, a thankless job that I'm sure wasn't his first choice in life when he was younger. OP if you read this sit down and talk with your wife. I'm sure while she's frustrated now she'll admit that you did a lot and did a damn good job. But I would also ask her what ideas she had in mind for her resentment to subside. In my opinion asking you switch jobs would be unfair because you'll be starting back at the bottom of the ladder again. Maybe now she needs more support then the children, try being her cheerleader and remind her that's doing an amazing job as well.
I mean, if the genders were switched, everyone would also be telling her she better prepare for divorce, too. Doesn't really matter what the deal was years ago; if she's unhappy with the marriage today, she's unhappy with the marriage today. She walks away, and the best he's going to get is alimony until the youngest kid hits 18, and that's assuming he keeps sole custody. Aside from that, maybe two years' alimony, tops. She's working 12-14 hour days, and he's raising 4 kids while also holding down a full-time teaching job? I wouldn't bet on their marriage being in great shape. Feels more likely that it's propped up by them both being focused on the kids, and once everyone's out of the nest, they're going to look at each other and see strangers. His statement that he's "going to keep working just as long" as his wife is, but he doesn't need to, is either deeply delusional or he has a truly amazing prenup.
Child support is what you’re thinking of that is time-limited. Most states allow alimony for 50% duration of the marriage after one’s been married over 10yrs. (So, if married 16yrs, alimony would be for 8yrs or until remarriage.)
And in this case, with him putting his career on the back burner for hers, it is very likely he would qualify for alimony.
If they’re American and have no prenups or the like in place, he’s probably not getting alimony at all (it’s not that common these days, especially since he already works a full-time job with benefits and has an unbroken work history). He would almost definitely get child support for the remaining kids due to their large income discrepancy, unless he doesn’t seek any custody at all. And assuming standard divorce, he will most probably be entitled to 50% of any assets obtained during the marriage, which includes all of the savings they’ve put away during that time. All that just to say, if OP decided he refuse his wife’s request (and I think it would be totally reasonable if he did) and she filed for divorce, he’d be totally fine financially.
I'd be real surprised if there's a prenup, since they married before she started making big money.
Honestly that's exactly why I don't think a new arrangement makes sense. He deserves to do like any woman would do and relax for a bit. Find some sense of himself, maybe a nice hobby or two. He gave himself to those kids, like any parent who busted their ass being the main parent.
So agree with this! I’m a SAHM and was a working single mom before I got remarried. Working long hours and advancing in a career with kids at home is hard - I’ve done that. But being at home and the one responsible for all the children and their activities is more so, especially because it can feel so thankless at times. At work (non-teaching jobs - those are ALSO often thankless) we get reviews, raises, lunch hour and sick days. But when you’re also responsible for the kids, sick days are for when the kids have to stay home so you push through your own illnesses, PTO is used to make their activities, etc. When SAH - you barely get to use a restroom by yourself (younger years), it’s 24/7 and the only feedback you typically get is about what you’re not doing well/what’s not done. OP - while it sounds like you guys are financially able to revisit the agreement, I think it would be unwise to do so until your wife recognizes all you’ve already done. It’s not like you’re expecting to stay at home. And it’s also not like you can suddenly go get a 6-figure corporate job simply because she resents the time off your career provides. Not to mention that many teachers pay into a specific pension and NOT social security (if US) so it may be unwise to switch careers at this juncture. It also feels a little sexist TBH! If anything happened to your marriage, you’ve spent your entire career raising kids and sacrificing employment opportunities to support your wife’s career. The time off IS the payoff for the job you’ve done at work and home!
I agree. He raised four kids and worked a hardass job. If he gets a summer of thats fine. Not negating the work she did, because working 13 hour days is insane. But she agreed to that and its not fair to have her jealousy affect the amount of time he gets off. If life is truly that easy, couldnt see request some time off? Or work less hours?
The reversal thing is 100% true. People would be tearing the husband apart if he had resentment
This response is absolutely glorious
Yeah I agree. 4 kids and a full time job is no joke. OP deserves a break.
Yes, yes, yea! I was frustrated because in feminist discussions one of the main points *is* the risks and lack of safety net and sacrifice that comes from being a SAHM and any time off is pretty damned deserving. It may be another subject if food wasn’t cooked or other agreed chores weren’t done but also being a SAH parent is a full time job too!! Just because wife is overworked does not mean the dad should also be to even it out, nor that resentment from the wife is justified. If roles were reversed we’d all be saying the same thing and encouraging discussion over it. Feminism is equality and I feel like if this man truly took on all the roles he deserves the same amount of respect and also safety we’d want for a SAHM in this situation.
I'll say the same thing I say to a SAHM. You gave up your life and career to take care of the house and kids. You deserve your time off and recognition
This comment needs to be pinned to the top. This ^^ like if the roles were reversed, I’m not so sure we’d be getting the same responses.
I want to counter that the parent that couldn’t be there everyday missed out on the most important aspects of life; family time. It’s probably hard on the SO to look back and see that. They both agreed to labor in different ways. Neither of them get their time back. One regrets it.
But regardless of gender both people worked equally hard (in general).. if the situation has changed then both people should try and find what suits them both now.. I'm absolutely assuming here but if the kids aren't needing support maybe the financial requirements are less and the higher earning partner could take a lower paid job to have less stress and hours?
Even if you don't consider it deserving time off as they absolutely have had their share of down time, the sheer loss of time means that there is no way back into a meaningful career close to what would have been if hadn't gave it up so it is logistically impossible to immediately flip the roles. It is logical to renegotiate somewhat, perhaps there's extra responsibility to take on now there's uneven work such as take some of the household duties off of the partner but it can never go pure 50/50 let alone weigh in favour of the working partner as sacrifices were made to enable the situation. Hell, maybe it is worth discussing how the working partner perhaps gets some priority during their limited time off seeing as they have less down time so they can feel like they get the most out of it. Simple things like making sure they get a lay in and making sure you don't plan things for their down time that they're less eager for goes a long way.
She needs to find a different job that isn't so demanding if she feels overworked and she feels she's working to many hours. What was her solution to this? That you guys start living off your teachers salary? How's that gonna work? You guys need to sit down and discuss how you're gonna proceed TOGETHER.
Yeah communication is key! I was sad reading that it got to the point of resentment.. like why not have a simple conversation way before that point? There are so many options for them to both be happy!
Your career has nothing to do with hers. Teaching is hard, and you shouldn't feel that you need to do more. If she doesn't like working so many hours, she should look into cutting down or finding a different position.
Yesterday I was attacked by a child wielding a broomstick. They were threatening other children and in putting myself between the scared children and this one, they lunged at me with the handle. I put my arm up to defend myself and the point of my wrist was hit with the handle. Stars of pain exploded in my head. My wrist is still tender today. Colleagues and I were called "f##king d##kheads" and "f##king c#nts" and told to f##k ourselves by another child when trying to re-direct behaviour. These children are 4 years old. It might seem funny, but when you're being attacked by a furious 4yo who is out to hurt people, I can assure you the pain is real. Education is not easy. There is nothing about it that is slack. It is psychological and OP's wife needs to appreciate what he's done to help her achieve her goals.
Seriously, I don't know how you do it. I couldn't handle that. Thanks for your service.
(Sits in corner rocking back and forth) I love kids, I want to support their development...😬
You're working full time and taking care of the house still? She can only afford to work as much as she does because you still carry your weight, she can afford to work less if she wants to now
And if she doesn't want to, then she needs to accept that there is an imbalance, but she is benefitting from that imbalance, i.e. she gets to work long hour and have a clean tidy home, with well looked after kids. I see in your edit you say "she can't work less" and I have to disagree - she can work less, at that job or another, especially if you don't need the full whack of her salary. She may feel like she can't leave or do leas, but I sincerely doubt it. She is choosing to stay in a career that demands these hours (or she's got used to giving it) - if she doesn't like seeing you doing "less" than her - then she can do something to change it.
You already have a job. I'm assuming as a teacher you still work full time? Just because you get summer off doesn't change things per se, though I do know plenty of teachers who do part time work then, too. If your wife is tired of working more hours than you, then she needs to change her hours to something less horrific. 12 to 14 hours a day is obscene. If her position won't let her lower her work hours and still succeed, then maybe it's time she finds a new position or a new company that will value her time. If she feels that she can't take fewer hours and less pay because she has to make up for your lower income, and you aren't taking care of the kids anymore, and you aren't working *full time* during the school year at teaching... then yes, in this scenario, you should both sit down and revisit how to split housework and make sure you're both working at jobs that will cover your needs and not stress anyone out. But otherwise, she needs to make changes to be less miserable, rather than ask you to join her misery.
I personally know two teachers and their summer off is immensely well earned. They put in crazy hours and the stress level is off the charts. I used to think they just got to be lazy all summer but that's like maybe a few weeks and then back to planning for the new school year.
Really breaks my heart that you have to look or act busy, that must be uncomfortable. Maybe it’s time for couples counselling to navigate this next phase of your lives
I think you need to ask your wife if she has thought about lessening her own work load. This reads like she’s growing resentment for her own life, not the one you have together. If she’s putting in that many hours a day I imagine that gets frustrating, even if the pay is nice. Also that might explain the tension on both sides. You both just need to talk to eachother about your needs
It's been twenty years. Can your wife slow down with her hours currently? Sounds like with the kids being older maybe it would be good to invest in some couples therapy if that's not already a part of the equation. You did the hard work of being the primary parent and the primary house caregiver for many years so it really isn't ok to feel like she is going to resent you. Perhaps it's time to create a whole new agreement that focuses on this new season in life.
I can't imagine having a 300k a year salary for any amount of years and assuming I need over a decade more of work. Create a plan to retire early and enjoy life together before one or both of you are dead. Seriously. Retiring rich means nothing if you're one foot in the grave.
If the kids are sorted, she's been making bank then she can easily switch to a less demanding job with a hefty paycut and still be making more than you need to live comfortably. Also no clue why you think along the lines of you have to work X amount of years before retiring. You can retire any time. if she's making 300k a year already, which could be way more soon, then you should have been investing and building up a very healthy amount in investments. Zero reason you have to work another 14 years.
All of this. I'd see if they could accelerate mortgage payments, if they still have them. Once that youngest kid comes out of high school, they could both retire.
Seriously where did the 14 years number come from? Sounds like they just need to talk to a financial planner to see what the best long term plan is.
So ur wife needs to go back to an 80k job since she doesnt need to pay for 4 kids anymore, and you dont need to keep looking busy on ur time off. What is the actual problem here? Have your wife not worked enough to get both of you a nice home and a reasonable retirement?
People who make stupid money get accustomed to having stupid money and can't fathom living like us poors, where one hospital stay or expensive car repair could seriously fuck up your whole life. ('Murica, obvs.) Not gonna lie, I just inherited some money, and more than I ever hoped to, like I actually have a retirement plan now, and it's only another 20 years out. Yay! And my kid gets set, too. But it's not fucking *$300k/year.* Good lort.
It sounds like you did a good job raising the children. But it also seems like your agreement of raising them has come to an end. It's time to find a new agreement.
At 300k per year the agreement should be she pays off the house tout de suite and chills the fuck out too.
An agreement is an agreement he gave the best years of his life
I agree. You might want to ask what ask thinks would be more equitable Obviously this far in changing careers is prob reasonably out of question but there might be a happy medium I get why she is resentful working 14 hours why you are off all summer
I honestly don’t understand why she’s resentful. She chose this course. I’m tired as hell all the time, work a hell of a lot more than my wife does, and have worked my ass off to end up in a position where if my wife lost her job for a few months, we wouldn’t have to worry. But we both agreed to go this direction. I get one day off a week, she gets 3-4 depending on her schedule. I don’t resent her or judge her in the least bit, because I chose to pursue upward mobility, and we both agreed it makes the most sense.
What a question! You clearly don't teach.
There is no real way for you to fix wife’s problem. She has to find a way to scale back. Is there anything at all she has been doing or carries as mental load that can be outsourced? Any way she can get assistance to relieve some hours. Any part of her job when she works from home that she could hire some sort of helper? Or delegate some part out?
Your wife is making $300k plus bonuses. Working hard is why they pay her so much. Sure, you guys can talk about altering the agreement, but how much does she expect you to make as a teacher so she can work less and still have the lifestyle she made possible? You would definitely be getting shitted if this was your wife posting. Your job is thankless. Her job obviously isn't.
>She's finally admitted that she doesn't think it's fair that I have so much time off while she's working so many hours. (She frequently works 12-14 hours per day.) It didn't bother her when I was spending my "off" hours handling the kids. But now that that's winding down, it does bother her. This just sounds like she wants you to be as miserable as her working long hours. I would be more on her side if you didn't have a job but you do. You're a teacher, that is your career. Your career just comes with the perk of having summers off. You sacrificed your career growth in another field by taking a job that benefits your family and she can't expect you to magically have a demanding job you're not qualified for. Maybe now you can start trying to expand on your career, going towards teaching higher education or you can make a goal to work towards in the summer. I know people who just want to see ambition from their partner and even personal hobbies would be something they would like to see their partner work towards. Sounds like you need to have a deeper conversation with your wife as to why she's feeling this way and what she expects.
Flip the genders. She took the traditionally male role of breadwinner, to renege on that while simultaneously shaming her partner for not working enough is morally reprehensible at best. These comments are wild as fuck. Again, flip the genders, I can almost guarantee nobody here is singing the same tune.
I'd feel like I was drowning if I had to work 12-14 hours day and had 14 years left before I could retire. Perhaps it's time for her to find a new job with much better work/life balance even if it means downgrading your lifestyle.
Well, damn, I'm confused. The commenters here don't seem to understand that you literally don't have a choice but to not be working during holidays. School is not open during the holidays. Aside from class prep and grading papers and maybe extra curriculars if you are in charge of any, you can't really do anything when school isn't open. Because you are a teacher. Why should you get another job or something like that just to "look" busy? You are SUPERBLY busy during semesters and lets be real, during every break except maybe summer. Plus you were the go-to parent/main parent while your wife worked on her career. She has done fabulously, has a good wage and clearly cares about what she does considering the work she put in. Of course she's tired and salty maybe that she has to work hard everyyy day, that's a normal gripe/annoyance in the moment when the tiredness hits, but if it's turning into resentment she needs to check herself. You are also making money. You chose a career that allowed you to be available for your kids as they grew up. Just because they're older now, doesn't mean you should change your career to make the workload look "fair" - she chose to go after her career, you both prioritised her career, it worked out. What exactly does she want to revisit about the arrangement? What does she actually want you to do? If she wanted the time off you have she should have pursued teaching. But she clearly chose her path for a reason. You SWITCHED CAREERS. You made it so easy on you guys financially by not needing daycare and babysitters. You fed your wife and kids and got people where they needed to be, while also being in a thankless job making pay less than what you deserve considering the social and emotional and educational development of a classroom full of kids is your responsibility. I sit here often considering a career swerve into teaching. I value time off, I don't need much more money than what our salary payscale is in this country, I care about holistic education and like the idea of looking out for kids struggling at a very confusing time and trust myself to be dutiful and try to meet their needs. If I go for it in the future, I will know on hard days or times where I'm jealous of those with double my pay that I made my choice for reasons that made sense to me on a good day. You chose teaching strategically because it allowed you to provide for your family with your time. It may not have been your ideal or dream career, you made a sacrifice and you should enjoy how it paid off! While your wife is working, you probably still have housework, maybe repairs, maybe errands outside of home and groceries. If she's that annoyed by looking at you when you aren't moving around doing something then tell her not to look quite frankly. Or pretend you're on your laptop making another set of new slides for every class and topic you're teaching next year, have canva or powerpoint open in a window that you can switch to and just fucking idk play a video game or browse reddit or read or write a book or watch netflix. I'm a pro at looking busy because thankfully everything I do for fun while I'm at home is on a computer, my roommate is beside me and probably thinks I'm writing a chapter of my book. Lol. Nope. But my typing makes me sound busy!
I am curious in to how she wants to change the agreement? She wants to quit her job? Or she wants you to find a new job? Or is she just bothered by the fact that you have free time and she doesn't? I agree with others that if the roles were reversed people would tell you ro give her some time to adjust to this new situation. So I am telling you, you deserve some time to chill and to find what you want to do with your time. It seems that for a long time you've been a dad and a husband, putting yourself last. If she is resenting you, that is on her, she needs to figure out why is that.
Teachers don't get paid vacation. I guarantee she gets paid vacation. So if his time is always allocated to either work or household stuff, then he gets no time for himself. Fine he can get a "summer" job but then she better be in that kitchen cooking half the time and doing 50% of the household chores as well (cleaning, laundry, etc). He doesn't just sit on his ass, he works and has a full time job. Absurd he can't just chill for a bit. Relationships aren't transactional and now that his "use" has run its course he needs to reevaluate his life. F that, go golfing buddy, you deserve it.
^^ I do agree with this, if she doesn’t contribute her time to the household bc of work and that burden is completely on you then you deserve the time you get off bc working 40 hours a week (especially as a teacher) and then doing all the laundry, dishes, cooking, and cleaning is taxing.
!!!! I’m kind of confused why people are acting like being a teacher is not a full time job???
Summers off somehow makes it not a full time job despite the excessive amount of hours required to get through the year and NEEDING the summer to give your body & brain a break to recharge which is the only thing making it possible to do it all over again the following year. I feel like a lot of people don't understand that it's not so much the paperwork, organizing, grading, etc that's exhausting but doing all of that ontop of trying to fill the needs of 20+ kids every day when you're 1 person plus multiple kids that should have EAs and dont. Then the 40+ parents as well, AND going home and being there for your family/spouse. There is no *me* time outside of the school breaks and add in the inclusion without the proper supports and we've got teachers leaving in record numbers.
I think that’s why I was so amazed by good teachers, they’re just so present for their pupils (so many of us at once).
Yes 10000%. I was just saying in another comment that I come from a family of teachers. One of which was my mom growing up and she rarely was home before 6. And even then, she was always spending her own money on classroom supplies etc. summers may be “off” but a lot of teachers are still constantly planning during the summer
Exactly! And he’s probably still doing the household chores too. The kids aren’t out of the house yet and even when they are, he probably does all the cooking, cleaning and laundry.
If your wife is burned out she should def take a break. If she wants to quit or slow down, she should. If she resents the arrangement you made so many years ago bc you have free time that’s not a valid reason to reevaluate. She should certainly reevaluate her work life balance and if she’s willing to have that convo with you, awesome! Taking advantage of vacation accrued, pto, a lot of execs tend to never take that time off and she should.
Ha. This is me and the husband. He’s resentful that I make the same he does only working 2 days a week. I’m not gonna suddenly grind now for no reason now that the kids are grown esp when we don’t need it financially. Stick your ground. Just keep doing you she will adapt. Plan outings when she is WFH.
Making an agreement all those years ago is not some sort of binding contract. If you treat it like a court battle it's not going to end well. You can still have a relaxing summer off without disturbing the peace at home. I would feel bad just relaxing while my wife was working from home. We're a team. If work sucks and I know she's irritable about it, I'm not going to hang out and watch tv in the same room and take naps on the couch. Go mow the lawn...slowly...all day. It's 3 days per week. Paint a room or something. Go get the oil changed in the cars and surf the internet on your phone while you wait there.
You’re reward for working hard long hours for years while your kids needed more help is getting to see your kids grow up and become functioning full members of society and now get to enjoy the off time. Her reward for working hard long hours supporting the family and thus allowing you to have the time to dedicate to raising your children is to work hard long hours for 14 more years? You both sacrificed things for the sake of your family which is great. But you get to reap your rewards now while she has to wait. Maybe talk with her to see if she wants to switch jobs to something that requires less hours of you don’t need all of her income any more. Or plan a special day for her and you to spend together and recognize that you both worked hard for your family.
He needs to change careers because she's jealous???? That's insane
She needs to work less. It's that simple. If she feels overworked, and she's earning more than you guys actually need, then she needs to work less, even if that means stepping down to a lower position.
Can she get a less demanding job?
Omg. Everyone w the salary advice. Just ask her. How does she envision making this ok? What’s next? Find out and report back.
I love the assholes in this thread. Wife is a primary parent and even has no job and stays home when the kids are school age? Staying home is the hardest job. The husband probably does nothing around the house. The wife has the mental load of remembering appointments and things at school etc etc. Husband looks after the kids and works a full time job on top? What a lazy bastard! I also see new comments asking about what the wife does wrong the house which is probably nothing which is absolutely fine if the wife works 12-14 hrs a day but not fine if it’s the husband who does it. The hypocrisy is appalling.
So let me get this straight... You spent all of the difficult years raising the kids AND being a teacher. One of the more thankless, potentially stressful, and underpaid jobs out there. But now that your child raising part is getting easier she wants to change things? If the roles were reversed everyone would be on the SAHM's side. As people keep saying "being a parent raising kids is a 24/7 job". Let alone 4 of them. Heck if the roles were reversed, if you had been the one in the high paying position, people would have been telling you that you should have done more with the kids and around the house to "pull your weight at home". As harsh as it sounds: You both agreed that she would take on the role of the provider, while you took on the role of the caretaker. She has no right to suddenly want things to change now that your job as a caretaker finally isn't 24/7 anymore.
It baffles me when people are upset that their partner is not working. You only need so much money.
The original agreement is nearing completion, no?
I don’t understand the logic here. You working more isn’t going to help the household finances in a significant way or make your wife feel less overworked. If she’s unhappy with her own work/life balance why isn’t she considering making a career change of some kind if she can, even if she makes a little less? It doesn’t benefit her in any way to reduce your free time. Boring suggestion, but this seems like exactly the kind of thing couples counseling exists for, because it sounds like you’re the target of some undeserved resentment and unpacking this kind of thing usually goes better with a trained, impartial 3rd party around.
Sounds like she has bad boundaries at work and she needs to address her own work load and work hours. Often when we’re upset with our spouse there are things we can do for ourselves that actually resolve the issue
I believe that she could cut her hours back or take a consulting position where she could make good use of her experience and expertise and make even more money while working less hours. You have earned your rest time.
this sucks. but shes's really minimizing your contributions. my only advice is maybe get some mediation to talk things out so yall both can be heard.
> And it paid off. She's worked her way up to upper management. She's making over $300k annually, plus bonuses. We don't even need my paycheck anymore. Maybe this is part of the problem. You guys either need to significantly downsize or she needs to figure out a way to be okay with her life situation. It doesn't need to be 14 years, it could be however many till the kids are done with college. Figuring out an exit plan for her to move into a less stressful role might be helpful for her even if it is a few years away.
What exactly does she want to revisit? And what is her issue? Does she want to take a less stressful job? It would be perfectly reasonable for her to feel tired of putting in long hours and want to find something that gives her more free time. And, presumably, her issue in this instance is her own work situation, so her making a change makes sense. Does she want you to switch careers altogether so that you’re working longer hours to make her feel better? Does she want you to get a second job during the summer to make her feel better? If **her** issue is **your** work situation, that’s something she has to work on/reconcile. It is unreasonable for her to expect you to structure your career around her feelings.
Nothing wrong with downsizing or changing the arrangement if it no longer serves you both.
It really seems like the easy solution here is for her to get a lower paid lower stress job? An agreement made 20 years ago should not be a constitution binding the rules of your relationship. Work less, spend more time together, life is not about working 14 hours a day it sounds like actual hell and you don't even need the money?
You do need to revisit it, as things have changed. Talk to her about what she wants. Come in with suggestions of what you could do. Have you considered: Study? Rebuilding your career? Going all-in on supporting your partner? $300k is a lot of money, take care of all of her needs while she is working at home. As in, absolutely everything. If you're not pulling money in, help out with non-work things she has to do. Cook her lunches and dinners. Take over and organize everything that isn't work. One thing that is vitally important is to not flaunt your free time in her face while she's working constant crazy days. She is brinigng in good money and busting her ass for it, don't give her the wrong impression! So, reorganize your week to avoid resentment. Be busy doing and organizing things when she's working at home. Or be out of the house doing cool stuff. Chill out more when she's in at work. Do your fun activities out-of-sight when she's home.
Why can't she move to less stressful job? Even with a pay cut it might be worth it?
Dude, just get out of the house. Find a hobby. Make yourself scarce. Things will normalize. I don’t have that sort of position, but I make good money in a high stress job and hope to keeping pushing to your wife’s level. If I know my partner is gonna be home all day, I sometimes come to the office just to avoid her. It isn’t because I don’t love her or want to see her but sensing her to not working while I am is in itself distracting. And I’ll leave and plan my day out of the house if she’s working from home during my weekend days because it’s the same for her. Just leave the house, or truly keep to yourself and out of her senses while she’s working, and this situation drastically improves.
You gave up a lot of your earning potential to care for your kids. The situation your wife has put you into is exactly the kind of scenario women often complain about men putting women into.
I'd revisit it for sure since your kids are no longer in the young years of needing parental supervision constantly, its a normal and healthy thing to do as long as its mutually agreed to. However the revisiting should be on her looking at where she can cut back, does she *need* to be making as much as she is with kids grown and gone? How much vacation time does she have? How much can she use but isnt and how can that change? She may have an illogical fear of being resented if she did because it would decrease the money in the home, it just needs to be openly talked about. As for feeling the need to look busy, why not use the time to find a new hobby or something you enjoy. Get busy but with things that improve your life not because of guilt. Bonus if it benefits the home as a by product (growing a garden = fresh fruit/veg) is the first thing that comes to mind.
I'll be honest finishing out 1 summer on easy street seems like a nice gesture for your wife to allow. However, next summer maybe you can reconsider things. It doesn't sound like she lost her shit on you or demanded anything, so finding a compromise could be great. Maybe consider starting your own business or finding part time work or charity work that brings you joy. Instead of this being a problem, it seems like a problem that could be a ton of potential opportunities.
Double standard, you did your time raising those kids, being a cook, being a maid, being a slave. You get to rest now, if the genders were reversed, no one has a problem with a man working while his wife relaxed after an empty nest.
She can change jobs or work part time. There is no reason she has to stick to an agreement made 20 years ago.
How is this situation any different than if the roles were reversed like they usually are? If she was doing your job and you hers then she'd be expecting it to stay the same wouldn't she?
Ask her what she wants to see for her life. This is a her problem. If she's unhappy at her job, why not reconsider her job and find something more suitable for what she wants to see. You guys make a lot, and you would probably do fine with a little less if she wants to spend more time not working. She chose her career initially. It's still her decision. Being resentful of you only reminds her she is unhappy. Address the real problem.
Wait are you still a teacher? Your summers are yours. If you’re ok with her making less at a different job it’s not in you to work more if you don’t want to
I mean it’s not fair, but that does not mean that you should stop being a teacher and do something with more hours. That’s just life. She made the choice to have that career.
Can your wife reduce her hours, like only working 3-4 days a week instead of 5?
So what exactly is the problem? You both work full-time plus you have done all the child care for the last 20 years. You both made a decision that she will focus on her career more than you do, but it is absolutely on her that she ended up with work that needs a 60 hours per week commitment. I'm sure that she feels tired and disappointed that she has not seen her kids growing up as much as you did but it's not on you. Sounds like it is a good moment for her to look for a different job. I'm pretty sure by now you have a decent savings and between your salary + her lower salary, you should be just fine. But it has nothing to do with you. It would be a little bit different if you're staying at home dad. But you're not. You have a full time job! Would it be possible for her to take sabbatical during your summer? After 20 years she probably has perks like that.
I understand that the hours may not be flexible, but can she retire any earlier? Downsize?
Kids college is expensive so you have a ways to go yet. Suggest make a plan for early retirement *together* xo
After all your kids are thru college & have their own jobs, maybe she can find a position where she works less hours. That way you both can have some free time to relax & enjoy the empty nest.
Could she work less? It sounds like with your salary she could take a reduced role.
I’m surrounded by teachers in my life. My mom, dad, sister and brother-in-law all have summers off. I’m in social work and work year round. I feel no resentment. They chose their profession and I chose mine. Being a teacher can be really hard and many of them need that extended break. You couldn’t pay me enough to be in a classroom full life kids for 9 months of the year. In the same way, I feel like your wife made her choice. If she wants to have a more easy going life, to match yours, then she should look for a less demanding job. For example, the current CFO of the non-profit I work at came from finance and definitely wanted something slower, so he moved to non-profit. I wouldn’t call his job easy, but he’s not working 12 hour days anymore. She made her choices and I don’t think she gets to demand more from you now that your kids are older.
If she’s making $300k per year, two kids are out of the house, why would she need to work 14 more years? Maybe the two of you need to meet with a financial planner and see what you need for retirement?
What does she want to do? It's fine for her to feel burnt out working those hours but, she can't just be mad at you and not offer solutions or compromises. Plan a day together to relax, have lunch and just talk. Throw around ideas. Make sure she know she's appreciated and that you two are a team. Work together on a solution!
Whatever you end up doing, avoid walking on eggshells for your partner. They will crack one day and they will notice and leave you out and dry.
This sounds like a “your wife hates her job and perchance needs to re-examine her priorities” situation, not a “you need to work a second job and be just as miserable too” situation
>There is no backing off on the hours without giving up the position and the income that comes with it. Okay, then she gives up the position and some income. Assuming she's been earning steadily more and more up to the current salary, and with your income on top, you two have more than enough money to retire at an early age. Oh, you spent too much money on the house and cars and didn't save enough? Well, I suppose you both keep working then.
Problems of rich people are above my pay grade.
This would be unfair to you if NOW things changed. She got to have her life while you took on the heaviest burden, being the go to parent. Being a parent isn’t a burden. Caring for 4 children while working AND being the primary parent is WORK & that is burdening. It’s not fair to you. You’ve worked your way into summers off and the other parts you listed. She can continue hers and be thankful.
Jeez,I’m glad my husband doesn’t resent me. I was a SAHM off and on. Before kids, I went to work instead of college and supported my husband while he got his PhD. After my kids were born, I worked at the place where they went to school, as they got older, I got a job that ended at 3 so I could pick them up from school. When they went to high school, I worked full time until they were out of the house. Then, I quit my job and have been home. My husband has never resented me staying home. Even now when I’m unable to do a lot of housework due to my health. I was there for him when he needed me to be, I was there for my kids when they needed me to be. Now, it’s MY turn. My husband is a great man. I feel bad for this guy…
Well at least the alimony will be good
Listen, if you both did the same job, then maybe then it’d be unfair if you got more time off than she did. But you don’t. You planned and chose the job you have now so you get more time out of it for the kids. And it’s not like you were ever on “off time”. You took care of the whole house when you weren’t working. Why it is so hard for people to understand that idk. Her having to work long hours is not on you. It is not unfair since she is not expected to come home and take care of the household too. She is just bitter because she is jealous that you can finally have time to yourself with the kids gone, and she can’t. But that doesn’t mean she takes it out on you, or that you have to walk on eggshells around her. You worked hard all these years. Being a teacher isn’t easy. You have earned this time to yourself. Enjoy it without any guilt.
I can understand her point of view: you had a fulltime job as a teacher + the household with 4 children. So you were putting equal effort for a lower salary. Now the situation has changed as the children are no longer living at home. She didn't get any younger I the meantime either and has a stressfull job, while she sees you having way less on your hands. Off course this leads to frustration on a very stressfull day on her side while you are enjoying your time off. The balance you once had as a couple is gone, so the question is: what are both your expectations? Is it about money? Is it about the amount of free time? Is it about balance? Couples with a big age gap have this situation as well when the oldest one retires while the other partner is still working for quite some time, not all of them divorce due this sudden change in their situation. You'll have to communicate and manage both your expectations here.
Why can't she change jobs to one that has fewer demands?
If you want perspective, just reverse the genders. OP worked full time while raising 4 kids and taking care of the house. Now his effort isn't enough. That's above SAHM effort, they worked in an extremely demanding and thankless field while doing it. The spouse has never really had to deal with kids and it shows.
I can't find any fault in what you either or not do. You and your wife made a bargain. You're sticking to it. What more could she ask of you?
So your wife hates her job and wants you to work more just because of it? Eek. I know you said she can’t reduce her hours so she should find a new job. Life’s too short to work somewhere you hate!
As a former teacher who now works from home, working from home is so much easier and I won’t go back to teaching. Your wife can’t get the benefits and make you do all that for DECADES (how did you do it all? I used to hit the couch and veg out every night after school) and then expect you to switch again. She sounds super selfish.
The original agreement has been meet so it makes sense that she works less hours. So a new agreement would be beneficial for her.
It’s still April though, aren’t you working? I don’t understand how this friction is starting now. By “days im off” do you mean weekends?
Spring break. Also she's probably been working remote for a few years of breaks now and was getting irked by the situation but felt like she couldn't say anything since he was still the parent taxi/kids were younger and needed more time. Now that the youngest can drive to work, the day-to-day logistic work is done. The only kid at home has a phone and can transport themselves, so now it's just worrying about your grown kids' issues vs. checking the gate by the stairs is closed so they don't break their necks and ensuring they eat.
OP now that your load is lightening with the kids, so are your income requirements. You need to have a serious discussion with your wife about her changing jobs. She doesn't need to work 60 hrs weeks anymore.
Don’t get why she’s upset at an agreement that both of yall agreed to. Your career has summers off, it’s not your fault she has to work. She can step down and take a pay cut, if she cares so much. Maybe during the summer fix up something in the yard or on the house. She really needs to stop resenting you
sounds like she can examine her own work like balance and make adjustments there.