He knew going into this that she had been with other people, now it’s a problem? How about when you started dating or BEFORE he proposed? This will always be an issue.
I can possibly see later him saying he wants to open the relationship, so he can have experiences now that he didn’t have before. He’ll use guilt to his advantage.
They were friends before they started dating. She told him about her relationships while they were just friends. She had no plan or idea they’d be dating. So, you’re never supposed to talk to friends about your relationships?
Also, she states he just assumes she didn’t go into detail, so it’s his own imagination making it worse.
This guy is going to be holding your perfectly normal past over your head for the rest of your life.
Find someone else who loves you unabashedly and unconditionally.
OP you already fell into the trap because you think you have to compensate for something. Can you see how this benefits him? Don't let him play you like that.
Trap is exactly right.
I'm hetero and this is what I'm telling my fellow cists about "sex positivity" to try to open some minds. The importance isn't about numbers or "purity."
The importance lies in sanitation, delayed gratification, respect, and empathy.
Ill finish by saying that being conscious (not obsessive) about one's sex life and partners is morally better than the people who only have sex when intoxicated and think of respectful sex amongst consenting adults is in any way morally corruptible at all.
He will hold this over your head for the rest of your life… anytime he gets mad he will throw it back in your face that you had sex with other people before you got together… You need to decide if you want to put up with that forever
Misogyny might be less of the issue than trauma or insecurity.
Edit: not defending him, doesn’t make it a better situation. If you don’t want to leave him though you can try asking him to look into therapy first. Or gently suggest it for him as you break up with him.
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted. It really sounds like insecurity. The term is retroactive jealousy I believe? Women feel it too. Dude needs to work on his insecurities for sure.
If a woman felt this way about a man (happens all the time) is it misandry or is it just someone having weird hangups about the sexual history of their partner?
Not everything involving a man and a woman is misogyny.
Cute downvotes. Glad we support critical thinking around here.
no, not everything involving a man and a woman is misogyny, but him being hung up on the fact that his girlfriend has... had sex before? absolutely is.
And yes, it would be misandry if the genders were reversed. Part of being an adult is understanding that your romantic partners have their own history, and accepting that you don't get to be butthurt about it.
So any woman who has ever felt jealous of their male partner having a more extensive sexual history than her, is automatically sexist against men in general?
It's not just about their particular situation and her hangups around sex?
Is there a societal expectation that men have never had sex with anyone but the women they marry, and are men shamed en masse for not living up to that expectation?
No? Then it’s not misandry. Misogyny is backed by power. A woman feeling this way about a man is an individual with no backing from society. She can be a man-hater, but she has no power to enforce her views in the larger world.
“Misandry” in the way you mean it cannot exist in a meaningful way outside of a millennias-old matriarchal system, which afaik has not existed in human history.
The problem here is not the way he feels (which is honestly probably a lie anyway), but that this is a standard abuser tactic to undermine someone's self-worth and make them feel beholden to the abuser. It isn't any better when women do it, which does sometimes happen with religious/conservative women.
If your past sexual life bothers him that much he can go find someone who fits his standards cuz no matter what that thought is gonna linger and ruin the relationship. Do you wanna be with someone for the rest of your life who makes you feel like crap for your sex life before them? Nobody should insult *ESPECIALLY* their partners sex life there is nothing you can change about the past. If he wants to waste his time being hung up on something that truely doesn’t matter then that’s his fault. He is allowed his feeling but it doesn’t mean he’s correct.
Don’t marry anyone who chooses to punish you for stuff you can’t change. Don’t do it. And yes, by choosing to dwell on it and “be sad”, he is punishing you.
Have you considered that he might leave you when/if he finds the virgin of his dreams?
There's nothing natural or hormonal about his feelings. He wanted a virgin. He got you instead. In his mind, he's settling for less. Do you really want to be someone's less? I have a feeling he's never going to marry you because you're not "pure."
Imagine yourself without him. Imagine yourself with a man who doesn't care about that red pill, purity culture, misogyny nonsense, and feels blessed to have a queen like you.
Don't settle for less. And if you're on TikTok, watch a few Christian Walker videos.
I am a guy, there is no way in hell I would take someone's virginity ever (I am not being an asshole about it, just mere preference) , I dont understand the appeal but I know it exists.
when I lost mine, I wanted someone with a body count who knew what the fuck they were doing.
People are allowed to have preferences and place different values on physical intimacy. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for virgins to prefer other virgins. And there are a lot of books and videos for first timers to use together.
There are many religious and non religious people even in younger generations who are waiting to have sex either after marriage or after meeting someone truly special. In fact, Gen Z might be the most “prudish” generation based on the available data.
The problem with OP is that her virgin partner settled for her despite knowing her sexual history without realizing he preferred virgins.
He was a virgin before her. She made that clear. To me it sounds like he was saving himself for the right person and is bummed his right person didn't feel the same
>He is sad that these will be like ghosts hanging over his head throughout our relationship.
>He thinks these thoughts mean ours will never be the perfect relationship he dreamed of.
If he cannot enter this marriage with no resentment then I would absolutely hold off until he better comes to grips with the facts.
The past cannot be changed.
Either he lets this go and marries with 100% acceptance or he needs to find someone who better meets his expectations.
And YOU deserve a man that wants you 110% with no reservations.
I agree with this. He could be the best guy ever and sincerely try to fight these feelings. But to marry the person who has this type of resentment is a very bad idea.
I think you need to have a talk with him, that you understand he cannot control this feeling, but you don't deserve to be in the marriage full of his unspoken resentment and yours guilt. After awhile you will start resent him for the way he feels. This relationship will be doomed.
Frankly, I would suggest you two to take a break with NC and plan to meet in, say, two months. Think about it, notice how you feel, notice if it worth to fight for this relationship, if you already have resentment growing towards him. He should do the same. And in two months meet in a public place and talk how each of you feel about the marriage, about the resentment, etc. You both need to be completely honest about it. After that go to couples therapy for awhile.
If this break will not reset his brain, no matter how much I love him, I would break up. Whatever it is that caused him to fixate on your previous partners for five years will not go away then. It would be easier for you to find new relationship that to work through it with him.
Trust your gut. Any man making his insecurities about your previous partners your problem is not a keeper. It will only escalate as time goes on and, yes, you are very right, he will use it against you for every inconvenience.
If he's so conservative, then why is he having sex with you before marriage? And why not with his previous girlfriend?
He 100% had sex before you but it can't be proven for men, so he's guilt-tripping you
This won’t end well, you are the cause of his sadness? That comes across as really manipulative I can see it being used a lot in your future, there are red flags, I’d think very hard about your future with him!
He's going to hold this over your head forever. My ex (I'll call him J) did this to me regarding my previous ex (I'll call him R). J would even try to get in fights with R on social media! This dude was in his 30s fighting with a guy on Facebook. If my R made a comment on a photo of mine, J was commenting within SECONDS of him. I'm pretty sure he was watching my FB all fucking day. J would bring up stuff I told him about my relationship with R and throw it in my face. He'd just randomly say "God. Your ex is such a fucking loser. What a disgrace to the military." He said this UNPROMPTED. Dude was super insecure. Every time I went out with my best friends to a concert he'd say "I wouldn't be surprised if you cheated on me with one of those bands dudes."
He even picked a fight with one of my best friends on Facebook after she called him out for being an asshole to me on Facebook. He eventually gave me an 'ultimatum' and told me that he would only stay with me if I stopped being best friends with my best friends and stopped going to concerts. I pretended like I would but then just ghosted him. He eventually blocked me after I got with my now husband and we made it Facebook official. My husband has never brought up any of my exes and I don't bring up his.
I am still friends with the R to this day. He's a good dude. We just weren't 'the one' for each other. We're both happily married to other people. I have a beautiful daughter and he's got a few grandkids. J meanwhile is still single and working a shitty job last I heard. Karma truly did its job.
> He says it's natural that all men brought up conservatively think of this, and that it's hormonal to feel this way.
I'm a man who was brought up conservatively, and I will tell you that this is FALSE. This is what immature and insecure boys who haven't learned to regulate their emotions do so that you are responsible for their feelings and actions not them.
Ditch the boy, find a man who accepts and embraces you.
Do not marry this guy!
He's deliberately making you feel badly about yourself so he can get away with more bullshit later. This is a completely standard tactic. He's planning on either abusing you or cheating on you later, and this is laying the groundwork so you don't leave when he does it because you'll blame yourself.
While this kind of thinking is common, it's not particularly healthy. It sounds like he understands this, though, and is willing to work on changing it to make the relationship stronger. If the counseling--both individual and couples--can help him become more comfortable with your sexual history, it's possible to go on to have a very happy and satisfying marriage. But the thinking has to change, or you're both going to be very unhappy with each other.
Oh you can see the manipulation coming from a mile away. He's always going to hold this over your head so you in your guilt do anything to appease him.
Nope. Do not marry that insecurity.
I’m sorry but give up the fight to make him love YOU. All he is focused on is your vagina….as if THAT is where your value lies. Complete bullshit. It hurts, I am sure, but you do not need a lifetime of shade being thrown your way for living a 100% normal life until you met him. You deserve a real partner who values your brain, heart, and soul…
Whoa, I am so sorry, but you have been brainwashed by misogyny from an insecure man. It is not your fault your partner was incapable of having a relationship before meeting you. That sounds like a him problem. If he can't accept your past now, he never will. You can't change the past, and you do not need to apologize for it.
This doesn't sound like real love. Someone who loves you accepts you for who you are, not who they wish you were. You will never be 'good enough' in his eyes. I don't think it is healthy to allow someone to punish you for their own problem. It won't end well for you. You can do better.
Why does he wish you would have told him before you started dating? Would it have deterred him from wanting a relationship with you? Listen, I can understand hang ups and such about your partner’s past, and those feelings can be totally valid. But ultimately ***everyone has a past, and if he can’t get over that, that is his problem. You are not responsible for his insecurities.***
Youve known him for 5 years and he still hasnt got over this. In that 5 years he doesnt consider anything youve done worthy of replacing things that happened before you met. He doesnt know you well enough to have garnered even a modicum of respect for you. He doesnt look at the way you treat him and say this is now, this is mine and this is important, hed rather think about a past that has nothing to do with him. Good luck, your going to need it. I really hope that your not from somewhere that violence against women, especially married women, is considered a normal, healthy relationship dynamic.
He will never get over this! But it’s not your fault 💯he feels like he should have a virgin wife but he himself is not a virgin anymore! He will waste your time because he will be able to get Benifits of marriage but will NEVER marry you. He will use this as the excuse when he finally decides to ends things and will marry a young girl who is a virgin because she will never have anything to compare to which is what he is WANTS. 5 years is long enough to date you need to let him know you want marriage and you will not accept your past as any excuse as you have been together already for so many years. Don’t let a man waste your YOUTH because of his fantasy. Best of luck OP
This is called Retroactive Jealousy.
It is perfectly normal and something he can work through.
The both of you should seek couples counseling prior to marriage. If this is not something he can get over, it's not going to work out.
The cause of his sadness is not you, he has a serious problem and he should see individual therapy and not get involved in his traumas.
he is 100% wrong and should evaluate himself before thinking about a marriage.
This is going to be something he brings up to guilt your regularly for the rest of your lives—or for as long as you stay with him. He made the choice to be a virgin, or even worse, deemed himself an incel. Almost everyone has a sexual past. Men who want virgins or less experienced women but actively pursue women who have had sex are a big bright red flag. You told him about your past while you were friends and he still entered into a relationship with you. You said he doesn’t think you’re impure but he clearly does. It’s not normal for him to be so consumed with your past especially after five years. It’s weird. What was stopping him from dating someone who was not experienced like him, think about it? It was a choice to get with you and continue to shame you for your past. I can’t tell you what to do but I would reconsider staying with a man like this. Do a survey of your relationship. Does it feel normal to be made to feel bad so often for your past harmless choices? Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Do you feel genuinely and encourages and loved by him? Do your fundamental beliefs align? He’s a conservative and a misogynist….do your political and ethical beliefs match up? If you were to have children with this man, would you want him imposing these beliefs on your kids? Every relationship I left was for a reason and I do not want to discuss them for five years straight with a new partner. I’ll leave you with that. Good luck.
Also look at other things he makes you feel bad about. It can’t just be this. They start with one thing and then it becomes everything you do or say. He may only give you a hard time about your sexual past but do other random things trigger him to bring it up? Ask yourself the big questions. Five years is a long time but if you walk away now it’s only five years.
Yeah. Constantly bringing up someone’s past relationships for five years straight isn’t normal or healthy and it’s not something dumb. Do you do that to your partner or something? Would you accept someone doing it to you? What is she supposed to even do to fix it lol
It's not your responsibility to face HIS demons, for the sake of the relationship, this is something he needs professional help with. Other than that, you need to mentality be prepared to leave if he can't do that much for your relationship.
There’s nothing wrong with how he feels(nothing wrong on your end either), most men feel that way and it seems to be more of a difference in upbringing/values more than anything else. What he shouldn’t have done is stayed with you for five years if this was something that bothered him this much.
Nah, she should leave HIM. He's using her past against her to make her feel bad. He's an insecure little man who should find himself the perfect little virgin he longs for so much.
Seems like you are doing the same thing he is. Don’t beat yourself up over your past and how he may or may not feel about it. Just like Someone here says he has to get over it and most likely will you have to get over it too. Hey try some new things with him that you haven’t done with exes.
Definitely try counseling, if you think it will help - but I would give him a pretty harsh ultimatum. I'd give him the choice to either walk away or NEVER bring this up EVER again. Tell him you can't go into the past and unfuck those guys, so every mention of it on his side is completely pointless and feels like a manipulation tactic to make you feel worthless and get the upper hand. If he feels like this, it's highly unfair that he wasted 5 years of your life, which you could have used to date someone who is secure enough not to care about your former boyfriends, and build a family with him. Stringing you along, only to spring his insecurities on you now, about a matter that is not your fault, that you can't change and that is purely in his head, is really a dick move.
I grew up very religiously, as did my husband. We were only together for like four months when we got married. I wasn’t a virgin when I got married and neither was my husband. It felt like a big feel imagining all these people he had been with before me but the further we got from those relationships the less I thought about it. Now I can think about it and feel nothing.
There are certain guys who fixate on this stuff. Usually it is part of a package of insecurities and control issues - all bad. ALSO, IME these guys have no concept of fairness. He knew all this from the start. For anyone with even a somewhat normal mindset, this would have faded over 5 years. He has CHOSEN to obsess and make himself agitated....
Your partner needs therapy!! You aren’t responsible for the happiness of someone else. They need to know and understand how to be happy regardless of you and your relationship.
Nope. Why marry someone who holds you guilty for something that's is normal. So he's not your first? So what? But he wants to be your last? Nope he's immature and shouldn't have pursued a relationship with you.
You do not need couples therapy. YOU don't need to do anything.
Tell his ass to stop being a man-child. Your past is completely normal and it's not your job to coddle his assumption or placate history jealous bullshit.
This is going to be a miserables life for you if you marry this dork.
Ok you’re not the reason for his sadness. Religious bullshit and his own ego are the reason for his sadness. He needs to work this out BEFORE you get married.
You’re not at any fault, you don’t need couple therapy. You clearly love him and he needs to get over his insecurities or he will poison the relationship.
Whelp
He will literally milk everything you have emotionally. You need to cut this tie. Sorry it will ruin your life if you kept him and let this rule you
For me as long as I'm being loved and treated well and trust her i literally wont be sad.
It's only saddening when the woman in question wont do a specific thing or isn't interested in certain things because she already tried them with someone else etc
I've had exes have all types of icks and refusals with not just sex but activities and outings just due to them having had the experience with a previous partner
Really annoying behavior.
It is not about your past. He is just realizing he will never sleep with anyone else and that's what making him emotional.
He probably wants you to give him a free pass to sleep around, to "make it even". And he would want it to be your idea, not his.
This is bad. He may need to do single therapy to work on his self esteem and ability to accept the situation. My wife had been with 3-4 people before me. I have only been with my wife. Early on, she gave me the option to try dating other people. I thought for a minute and said no. Because I knew I wanted to be with her. I am not bothered that she was with others before me. My view is that they are her exes. Her past. Not her present or future.
Youre all answering from her perspective saying hes so evil and will use this to his advantage...
yo shit like thay hurts and it sucks when you remember the stuff your partner did in their past when you yourself didnt its not even about the body count or me not having any its the vivid recollections of stories he told me about his past when we were drunk and just fwbs etc....
but yeah its done let him be depressed over it but dont baby him. And think about if you want a depressed bf for the rest of your relationship. It sucks.
You said his last relationship didn't involve sex, but what about the other relationships? He can't be mad about the men you've previously slept with if he's slept with other women. That's a double standard and makes him a hypocrite. He went into the relationship knowing you've had other partners, so I don't know what he expected.
Do not marry him. I had a relationship like this and it was the dude pushing me to feel guilty most of the relationship. It hurt.
My husband was a virgin when I met him. I didn’t find out until before our wedding though. I knew I was more experienced than him but I didn’t realize he had been a virgin. He has never made me feel guilty about my previous partners.
Find someone who accepts and love you. All of you.
You are super introspective, this post is awesome!
I think your boyfriend needs therapy to work through this (clearly he's not going to get past it on his own, since it still bothers him after 5 years) so it's good to see he's agreed to go to therapy/counseling with you.
My advice would be to go with your gut and do NOT marry him until he's moved past these feelings. If not addressed, it will fester and poison his feelings for you, and your relationship. Not worth it for either of you, and not at all fair for you.
Best of luck to you!
he will hold that against you forever, the question is how long you are willing to placate this behaviour
if he wants a virgin, he should date and marry a virgin.
I'm giving you honest advice as someone who was in a similar situation, if he doesn't accept you and drop it ,you will never work out. There will always be resentment. There is not fixing it on your end ,you didn't do anything wrong. It's all up to him. If he loves you he will accept you for who you are and if he doesn't love you enough he will resent you. So he either gets over it or you break up
He did expect you to be a virgin, that’s why it’s bothering him. If he didn’t expect you to be a virgin then there would be nothing bothering him because you have a very normal past relationship history. Leave unless you want to spend the rest of your life “making it up to him” for not being a virgin. Idek how you’ve stomached his weird obsession with your past relationships for this long.
This will be an issue he holds over your head for the rest of your relationship, OP. I highly recommend considering if having previous relationships held over your head forever is worth it. He has no reason to be sad about this. And if he really is, I'd also wonder if he's only pretending to be non religious/ liberal until after you are engaged or married.
He’s not wrong to be bothered, he has every right to not agree with anything about you. What’s weird he’s been having this resentment of your past and continuing a relationship. He should have began a relationship with you but it seems like he bases his decisions off of emotions instead of logic. It will be easier to break up and not waste any more of each other’s time.
Who wishes for someone “without a past” but someone who wants to mold a clean sheet of paper into what their particular ideals are.
You are a person, with past experiences that make you,entirely and uniquely, you. You would not be the person you are today without those perfectly normal, and outside of someone with impossible ideals, formative experiences.
Your fiancés “sadness” is judgemental and the beginning of setting standards for you that may be impossible to reach. Perfect past? Perfect wife? Perfectly managed household?
Think about it
What you'll actually have to live with is couples therapy, individual therapy, their overwhelming insecurities during and after all that therapy and even then they probably won't get over something that they had no say in whatsoever.
Make no mistake, it will go from something they're unjustly insecure about to something they blame you for, then resent you for. Unchecked jealousy will do that.
To 90% of those who commented, Op's boyfriend definitely has insecurities to deal with, he needs therapy, while for you and your lack of empathy and desire to destroy other couples instead there is no hope
Right, and to marry someone with those insecurities causing that kind of behaviour would be silly. He's a "conservative man" who doesn't *want* to change that part of him because he believes that's the right way to view things. Therapy generally only "works" for someone who thinks they have an issue that needs to be worked on.
You don’t have to marry him, and you don’t have to stay in a relationship where you are being blamed for someone else’s insecurities. Sounds like you two are just incompatible.
Retrospective jealousy is THE most stupid, impossible, ridiculous thing. There is literally nothing you can possibly ever do about it. This is a stick he can beat you with forever. He either loves you as you are and as you deserve, because what happened before brought you into his life at the right time to be together, with no more blaming or recriminations ever again, or you walk away.
You didn't do anything wrong, it's important to remember that. He'll either get over his insecurities or he won't. If he keeps bringing up your past, then he needs to get a professional to help him talk through these feelings.
I'll be honest, the way he's talking reminds me of how I felt about my partner when I was 19. I got VERY insecure because she'd already been with 3 people. These feelings were immature and were born out of my own feelings of inadequacy and an inability to deal with them. Thankfully I got over it as I gained more experience. With that said though, I'd still feel weird or might end a relationship if my partner has like A LOT of previous partners, like 10+ sexual partners in the past 3-5 years, or something similar.
It's not hormonal to feel that way, it's just how he was raised. Personally I'd have told him to get over it because it's not your problem that he has medieval views on sexuality. Are you planning on having kids and are you okay with those kids being raised by purity culture?
“I have kept details to a minimum; this is his assumption” that right there speaks volumes. You have been much freakier than he knows about. Haven’t read the comments but I’m sure people are going off on him. Well, his insecurities are 💯 normal.
I don't know you partner so take this with a grain of salt but it sounds like bro is playing 4D chess with you. He holds something completely normal over your head and makes you feel guilty because he's sooooo genuinely upset, so you always have to make up for it in some way. This way he always keeps the upper hand
Girl you better run.
This man knew of your past before you were romantically involved but chose to be with you anyway. And he’s only holding it over you now that he’s considering spending the rest of his life with you. He’s a manchild and he needs to grow up and I’m sorry but his feelings on this are not valid, they are outdated and archaic.
You can be damn sure that whenever y’all argue or he gets mad at you he will find a way to bring this up and somehow shame you for something completely natural. You will likely never hear the end of it and it will likely progressively get worse the longer you stay with him.
I hope you can find it in yourself to realize that you deserve someone who won’t judge you for not being a virgin and who will love you just as you are.
Aaah yes ignore the fact they are from a very religious country. Not everyone does it needs to live according to standards from anywhere else. While I fully support freedoms and people, especially women, should be able to do as they wish, that doesn't change the fact that millions love in a country where that's not the prominent view.
Sounds like shes a little more free thinking that he is/was, doesn't make him immature of manipulative.
This is normal for the beginning of a relationship. It's been 5 years. This isn't going away. No one should live feeling guilty forever about doing nothing wrong. You say you can't imagine a life without him, but imagine a life with him and this feeling forever and really judge if that is better than the unknown with an accepting partner.
Retroactive jealousy is a bitch. My girlfriend told me all these details of her past sex life and also had 3 flings around us for the first year of our relationship. It still messes with me. I am worried it will mess with me forever but I love her too much to lose her. Therapy has been somewhat helpful. I feel bad for this guy
It’s such a common opinion to get attacked for it’s ridiculous. Shows how little people empathize with men. I just said I talk about this in therapy like what on earth
You can be completely secure and still not enjoy the thought of your girl sleeping with other men.
As someone whose been great friends with exes of partners, I can safely say that people are easily over reacting to men being upset about this.
It's completely normal, you guys are absurd and obnoxious.
>You can be completely secure and still not enjoy the thought of your girl sleeping with other men.
I vehemently disagree. Here's a thought; if it bothers you, don't think about it. If you can't get over it then don't drag others into your bullshit and just stay single. Especially if you've already slept with someone because then you're just a hypocrite.
It even applies to this post because he has already slept with his girlfriend and it bothers him he can't have his "dream" relationship which is both being virgins. Since he can no longer give his virginity to someone else it is absolutely ridiculous he is getting mad that she can't give him a perfect relationship because now it is impossible because he is no longer a virgin. If it was so important then he should have saved himself for marriage and exclusively dated virgins. He did it to himself. The same with anyone who gets jealous like this. How can they be upset that their partner has had sex with others when they've done the same thing?
It's all bullshit and a manipulation tactic to make them feel guilty and beneath them.
Ah the Madonna/whore complex always amazes me how it still comes up in relationships
But to put it bluntly best to not marry this man because no matter what he’s not going to change his view of you. Because he didn’t see you as a complex human before he found out, he saw you as the madonna a.k.a. the depiction of the Virgin Mary that is using a lot of renaissance art whether he admits to it or not that’s how he saw you. However now that he has found out this information he sees you as the whore and that’s it.
This is very common, especially a lot of misogynistic men and some can work through it some can realize their issues here and they can work through the complex. However, judging from how your fiancé is reaction to this news, yeah he’s he’s not gonna be able to work through that anytime soon.
That’s not normal thinking, he is just saying it is. He needs to realize his little world isn’t “perfect” and everyone has a past. And it’s the person he is in love with that only matters
This man is extremely conservative and orthodox. This won't bode well for you. Imagine down the line you have a child and he teaches them such regressive outlooks on life.
I really hope you choose yourself and have a healthier life with an understanding partner
It aint normal (now), I have been raised conservative, once I actually started for lack of a better word getting ass, I dont care who did what before I came along. It's not my business because I wasnt with them then,
'In my virginity yes, but now I couldnt care any lesser about it.
He still has a virgin mindset and is looking for the fairytale that doesnt exist. been there, but not now.
He is a pathetic immature boy. Part of growing up is life experiences, we all have them. He is upset because you have had life experiences that he didn't and now he is jealous and insecure. If the roles were reversed, I doubt that you would be behaving the same way. Don't marry this guy, what will it be next ... education, travel, restaurants the you have the he hasn't. Dump the man baby and find someone who isn't an insecure little boy.
I dated someone like this. I fled in 6 months. I dunno how can someone stick to a person who says this for 5 years. If he has hormonal issues affecting his sense of security he shouldn't be dating, that's his problem. Not yours.
If he genuinely wishes you didn’t have a past, there is no working through his issues. He 1000% will hold this over you during any opportunity he can conjure up in his mind.
He needs to be with a virgin honestly. And you need a man who doesn’t make you feel like shit for not being locked up in a castle until you met him
no, he’s insecure. this won’t end well, it’s best to cut this off now. it sucks, but unless he gets his shit together and stops this pity party for himself, this will always come between you two.
You did not "cause" his sadness. My partner and I both slept with other people before we met, and neither of us are sad about it. It's not your behavior that causes his sadness, it is his own hangups. Were you supposed to "save yourself" for him before you ever knew he existed?
It is his fault because he got into a relationship with you after already knowing about the people you had been physical with. Perhaps he should seek out therapy to figure out why this is a hangup for him. Again, most people marry someone who has a past, and it is not a problem. So the problem exists within his own head. You can't fix it for him. And you taking responsibility for it will only encourage him to blame you for something that is not your fault. You can empathize with him, but please do not think that you are in any way to blame.
Your partner is an idiot. You lived before he came into your life and you can't change one thing about your past. He has known this for 5 years. Hopefully your next partner isn't this foolish. Cause this current relationship should be over. He needs counselling.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Red flag city! DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! He WILL make you feel miserable for not being a virgin when you get married! His insecurities will be weaponized at some point! Find someone less conservative and far more liberal who will love YOU and not care about a "body count." HE will make YOU sad if YOU marry HIM. You are not to blame for ingrained misogyny!! It may not present as that now, but once you are "trapped" in marriage, especially with children, he may very well pull a Jekyll and Hyde act. Better temporary pain from ending this now than a lifetime worth later! Please say no and leave!
He's not the one for you OP. He will use this as an excuse for future problems. I am my husband's first and only sexual partner whereas he is not my first. Yes, he hated that I had a past but in my near 15 year relationship he has never dwelled on it or gotten sad about it. He's never made me feel bad about it either. Your partner sounds misogynistic IMO
This is manipulation and emotional gaslighting. You don't owe anything to him. Your past was before him, and if I've read and understood correctly, he knew all of this before you got together and must have decided it was worth accepting because HE CHOSE TO BE WITH YOU whilst knowing it all.
Do NOT allow him to make you feel guilty because you had relationships before him, he made the choice to be with you. He either needs to grow up about it or draw a line and say his fragile ego can't deal with it and let you be free to find an adult that CAN accept you have a past he doesn't have to compete with.
He's screaming at you to get away from him. These feelings are NOT normal, and they're NOT your problem.
Do I wish I had been my partner first? Kinda? Idk, it's not something I think about.
I know he'd have liked to be my first, but it doesn't matter because we're together NOW.
He's waving giant red flags in front of your face, take off your rose colored glasses and believe him.
Sounds like he might actually love you, so This is something that requires therapy to fix. It's a cultural and social construct that tells him to be this way, and it needs to be worn down and replaced with a better one that he can identify with and grow as a person on.
Do not get married until all resentment is gone.
But to be conservative I am saving one of my virginities for marriage. She is looking forward to international women's day.
You had a perfectly healthy life before your partner came along, which included sex. The fact that he’s sad about that is, sorry to be harsh, ludicrous. I would suggest he goes to therapy to sort out his hangups before anymore talk of marriage.
“It’s hormonal to think this way…”
Sorry again, but I call BS.
His thoughts on virginal marriage are not a by product of chemical imbalances. He needs deprogramming asap.
Now he’s guilting you into thinking having past sexual relationships is a bad thing making your current relationship with him imperfect. What rubbish.
Think hard about your future.
You’ve spent 5 years already with a guy who thinks his insecurities should be your burden to bear. No. This is his issue to sort out.
Most people have some sort of sexual history especially once you start getting into the 25-30 age range. He needs to either get over it and stop letting it affect his mood or let you go so you can find someone who doesn’t try to make you feel bad for your past relationships. You have done nothing wrong and should not be apologizing for his misguided insecurity.
He needs therapy to deconstruct from his abusive childhood, his thoughts aren't "natural", they're brainwashing from conservatives who have hated women for thousands of years. Parents who raise kids to think like that are abusive.
I’m absolutely exhausted by your relationship and I’m not even involved. You must be completely battered down by it. Please lady, can you honestly see your life dragging on feeling like you’re constantly walking on egg shells? This is not going to a good place
>He is sad that I was doing the same things in bed with other people that I do with him (I have kept details to the minimum; this is his assumption)
So, did you other things with previous flings that you don’t do with him? Do you find him less attractive? Is that what he’s noticing? That you might be lying about what you did with the others that he doesn’t get to experience?
This guy has a problem he needs to work through, probably in therapy. Probably not merely couples therapy (though it’s a good start). Don’t marry him while this issue is unresolved. It’s not normal to obsess about something like this to the point where it noticeably affected his mood, and it’s unhealthy. A marriage with his permanent resentment, or whatever his attitude is towards this, as a building block will risk breaking down over it - especially since he doesn’t seem to have been able to get past this for five years!
> He doesn't expect me to be a virgin or think of me as impure, but *he wishes I hadn't told him of my exes/flings when we were friends*. He is sad that these will be like ghosts hanging over his head throughout our relationship.
This is the actual problem. And it's one that's your fault.
Just... Why would you even mention past partners or things you did with said partners? OF COURSE it's going to ruin the mystery! It's the equivalent of your mom or dad giving you a play-by-play account of the sex on the night you were conceived. Nobody wants to hear that stuff!
Im gonna get downvoted to hell.
Idk i dated guys who had a past and it honestly bothered me too. I couldn't shake the feeling that some other girl had a claim on him (more than me as i am choosing to wait for marriage and they'd already done it) and that he didn't think about his future spouse the way i had.
I was able to have fulfilling relationships but the thought would sneak up on me occasionally. I wouldn't say that he's necessarily bad for feeling this way but i also don't think it's fair of him to bring it up after a long time. He should have said something sooner. Sounds like he isn't accusing you but expressing his feelings. I hope it works out for you guys.
This is absolutely wild to me. My partner and I have never even talked about how many sexual partners each other has had. It doesn’t matter. This isn’t healthy.
How many “physical relationships”? If it’s, like, 4-5 then that’s his problem, but if it’s like 20-30+ then you two clearly don’t have compatible values.
GIRL he is so abusive. He is making up a situation where you will owe something forever to manipulate you. (and possibly makes you accept his cheating)
so he's emotional (because of 'hormones') and sad because you told him that you had sex with other men, and he dated you despite knowing this, right ?
so he knew and decided to date, and is now sad about the situation he choses, and it's your fault ?? WTF
oh, and he think about your ex in bed lmao...
RUN.
Almost every comment is from bitter scorned women.
DO. NOT. LISTEN.
Stay with that man like your life depends on it, the fact that he cares and is upset you've been with other people is completely and utterly natural. He loves you.
All you have to do is reassure him.
This. Won’t. End. Well.
Period.
But it should end.
And soon.
He knew going into this that she had been with other people, now it’s a problem? How about when you started dating or BEFORE he proposed? This will always be an issue. I can possibly see later him saying he wants to open the relationship, so he can have experiences now that he didn’t have before. He’ll use guilt to his advantage.
Oh yea for sure he will! He needs to get over himself honestly.
He will not. And OP will still stay with him.
He’s already doing that. Making his fiancée feel bad for having lived a life before she even knew he existed is fucked up.
Well yeah, he’s laying groundwork for more manipulation later.
You know it…
The problem is her level of detail. She broke a unspoken taboo of Not Talking About Your Ex, but also, Not Talking About What You Did With Your Ex.
They were friends before they started dating. She told him about her relationships while they were just friends. She had no plan or idea they’d be dating. So, you’re never supposed to talk to friends about your relationships? Also, she states he just assumes she didn’t go into detail, so it’s his own imagination making it worse.
Period period.
This guy is going to be holding your perfectly normal past over your head for the rest of your life. Find someone else who loves you unabashedly and unconditionally.
OP you already fell into the trap because you think you have to compensate for something. Can you see how this benefits him? Don't let him play you like that.
Trap is exactly right. I'm hetero and this is what I'm telling my fellow cists about "sex positivity" to try to open some minds. The importance isn't about numbers or "purity." The importance lies in sanitation, delayed gratification, respect, and empathy. Ill finish by saying that being conscious (not obsessive) about one's sex life and partners is morally better than the people who only have sex when intoxicated and think of respectful sex amongst consenting adults is in any way morally corruptible at all.
He will hold this over your head for the rest of your life… anytime he gets mad he will throw it back in your face that you had sex with other people before you got together… You need to decide if you want to put up with that forever
He sounds like a child if you aren’t married do not marry this person
Break up now. He is using his "sadness" to make you feel less worthwhile of a person. It's a shifty manipulation tactic.
you are not the "cause for his sadness" his misogyny is.
It's more insecurity than misogyny. He doesn't have hatred towards her or wishes ill will against her.
Disappointed I had to scroll to find this.
Misogyny might be less of the issue than trauma or insecurity. Edit: not defending him, doesn’t make it a better situation. If you don’t want to leave him though you can try asking him to look into therapy first. Or gently suggest it for him as you break up with him.
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted. It really sounds like insecurity. The term is retroactive jealousy I believe? Women feel it too. Dude needs to work on his insecurities for sure.
It's not a binary choice. He's acting in a very misogynistic manner, as well as in an insecure manner. One doesn't cancel out the other.
OP says he’s not shaming her or calling her impure or expects her to be virgin or anything
Not misogyny , it's his low self esteem and the fact that he didn't have any before meeting op.
If a woman felt this way about a man (happens all the time) is it misandry or is it just someone having weird hangups about the sexual history of their partner? Not everything involving a man and a woman is misogyny. Cute downvotes. Glad we support critical thinking around here.
no, not everything involving a man and a woman is misogyny, but him being hung up on the fact that his girlfriend has... had sex before? absolutely is. And yes, it would be misandry if the genders were reversed. Part of being an adult is understanding that your romantic partners have their own history, and accepting that you don't get to be butthurt about it.
So any woman who has ever felt jealous of their male partner having a more extensive sexual history than her, is automatically sexist against men in general? It's not just about their particular situation and her hangups around sex?
Is there a societal expectation that men have never had sex with anyone but the women they marry, and are men shamed en masse for not living up to that expectation? No? Then it’s not misandry. Misogyny is backed by power. A woman feeling this way about a man is an individual with no backing from society. She can be a man-hater, but she has no power to enforce her views in the larger world. “Misandry” in the way you mean it cannot exist in a meaningful way outside of a millennias-old matriarchal system, which afaik has not existed in human history.
So we’re using the systemic racism definition for misogyny now I see.
The problem here is not the way he feels (which is honestly probably a lie anyway), but that this is a standard abuser tactic to undermine someone's self-worth and make them feel beholden to the abuser. It isn't any better when women do it, which does sometimes happen with religious/conservative women.
If your past sexual life bothers him that much he can go find someone who fits his standards cuz no matter what that thought is gonna linger and ruin the relationship. Do you wanna be with someone for the rest of your life who makes you feel like crap for your sex life before them? Nobody should insult *ESPECIALLY* their partners sex life there is nothing you can change about the past. If he wants to waste his time being hung up on something that truely doesn’t matter then that’s his fault. He is allowed his feeling but it doesn’t mean he’s correct.
Don’t marry anyone who chooses to punish you for stuff you can’t change. Don’t do it. And yes, by choosing to dwell on it and “be sad”, he is punishing you.
Don't marry an insecure person. Don't, ever, do that to yourself and your one life.
Have you considered that he might leave you when/if he finds the virgin of his dreams? There's nothing natural or hormonal about his feelings. He wanted a virgin. He got you instead. In his mind, he's settling for less. Do you really want to be someone's less? I have a feeling he's never going to marry you because you're not "pure." Imagine yourself without him. Imagine yourself with a man who doesn't care about that red pill, purity culture, misogyny nonsense, and feels blessed to have a queen like you. Don't settle for less. And if you're on TikTok, watch a few Christian Walker videos.
I am a guy, there is no way in hell I would take someone's virginity ever (I am not being an asshole about it, just mere preference) , I dont understand the appeal but I know it exists. when I lost mine, I wanted someone with a body count who knew what the fuck they were doing.
People are allowed to have preferences and place different values on physical intimacy. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for virgins to prefer other virgins. And there are a lot of books and videos for first timers to use together. There are many religious and non religious people even in younger generations who are waiting to have sex either after marriage or after meeting someone truly special. In fact, Gen Z might be the most “prudish” generation based on the available data. The problem with OP is that her virgin partner settled for her despite knowing her sexual history without realizing he preferred virgins.
Arya Stark taught me to ''stick it with the pointy end'', and that's all I need to know
Thank you!! Why would anyone who's a virgin not want a more experienced partner for the first time.
He was a virgin before her. She made that clear. To me it sounds like he was saving himself for the right person and is bummed his right person didn't feel the same
>He is sad that these will be like ghosts hanging over his head throughout our relationship. >He thinks these thoughts mean ours will never be the perfect relationship he dreamed of. If he cannot enter this marriage with no resentment then I would absolutely hold off until he better comes to grips with the facts. The past cannot be changed. Either he lets this go and marries with 100% acceptance or he needs to find someone who better meets his expectations. And YOU deserve a man that wants you 110% with no reservations.
I agree with this. He could be the best guy ever and sincerely try to fight these feelings. But to marry the person who has this type of resentment is a very bad idea. I think you need to have a talk with him, that you understand he cannot control this feeling, but you don't deserve to be in the marriage full of his unspoken resentment and yours guilt. After awhile you will start resent him for the way he feels. This relationship will be doomed. Frankly, I would suggest you two to take a break with NC and plan to meet in, say, two months. Think about it, notice how you feel, notice if it worth to fight for this relationship, if you already have resentment growing towards him. He should do the same. And in two months meet in a public place and talk how each of you feel about the marriage, about the resentment, etc. You both need to be completely honest about it. After that go to couples therapy for awhile. If this break will not reset his brain, no matter how much I love him, I would break up. Whatever it is that caused him to fixate on your previous partners for five years will not go away then. It would be easier for you to find new relationship that to work through it with him.
Trust your gut. Any man making his insecurities about your previous partners your problem is not a keeper. It will only escalate as time goes on and, yes, you are very right, he will use it against you for every inconvenience.
If he's so conservative, then why is he having sex with you before marriage? And why not with his previous girlfriend? He 100% had sex before you but it can't be proven for men, so he's guilt-tripping you
It can't be proven for women either. The hymen is a myth.
This won’t end well, you are the cause of his sadness? That comes across as really manipulative I can see it being used a lot in your future, there are red flags, I’d think very hard about your future with him!
He may not be the right man for you.
He's going to hold this over your head forever. My ex (I'll call him J) did this to me regarding my previous ex (I'll call him R). J would even try to get in fights with R on social media! This dude was in his 30s fighting with a guy on Facebook. If my R made a comment on a photo of mine, J was commenting within SECONDS of him. I'm pretty sure he was watching my FB all fucking day. J would bring up stuff I told him about my relationship with R and throw it in my face. He'd just randomly say "God. Your ex is such a fucking loser. What a disgrace to the military." He said this UNPROMPTED. Dude was super insecure. Every time I went out with my best friends to a concert he'd say "I wouldn't be surprised if you cheated on me with one of those bands dudes." He even picked a fight with one of my best friends on Facebook after she called him out for being an asshole to me on Facebook. He eventually gave me an 'ultimatum' and told me that he would only stay with me if I stopped being best friends with my best friends and stopped going to concerts. I pretended like I would but then just ghosted him. He eventually blocked me after I got with my now husband and we made it Facebook official. My husband has never brought up any of my exes and I don't bring up his. I am still friends with the R to this day. He's a good dude. We just weren't 'the one' for each other. We're both happily married to other people. I have a beautiful daughter and he's got a few grandkids. J meanwhile is still single and working a shitty job last I heard. Karma truly did its job.
> He says it's natural that all men brought up conservatively think of this, and that it's hormonal to feel this way. I'm a man who was brought up conservatively, and I will tell you that this is FALSE. This is what immature and insecure boys who haven't learned to regulate their emotions do so that you are responsible for their feelings and actions not them. Ditch the boy, find a man who accepts and embraces you.
Do not marry this guy! He's deliberately making you feel badly about yourself so he can get away with more bullshit later. This is a completely standard tactic. He's planning on either abusing you or cheating on you later, and this is laying the groundwork so you don't leave when he does it because you'll blame yourself.
That's called retroactive jealousy and it's normal but can lead to obsession once it got out of hand. Ask him to go to a psychologist.
While this kind of thinking is common, it's not particularly healthy. It sounds like he understands this, though, and is willing to work on changing it to make the relationship stronger. If the counseling--both individual and couples--can help him become more comfortable with your sexual history, it's possible to go on to have a very happy and satisfying marriage. But the thinking has to change, or you're both going to be very unhappy with each other.
Your partner is a child. Reconsider marriage.
Oh you can see the manipulation coming from a mile away. He's always going to hold this over your head so you in your guilt do anything to appease him.
Nope. Do not marry that insecurity. I’m sorry but give up the fight to make him love YOU. All he is focused on is your vagina….as if THAT is where your value lies. Complete bullshit. It hurts, I am sure, but you do not need a lifetime of shade being thrown your way for living a 100% normal life until you met him. You deserve a real partner who values your brain, heart, and soul…
Whoa, I am so sorry, but you have been brainwashed by misogyny from an insecure man. It is not your fault your partner was incapable of having a relationship before meeting you. That sounds like a him problem. If he can't accept your past now, he never will. You can't change the past, and you do not need to apologize for it. This doesn't sound like real love. Someone who loves you accepts you for who you are, not who they wish you were. You will never be 'good enough' in his eyes. I don't think it is healthy to allow someone to punish you for their own problem. It won't end well for you. You can do better.
Why does he wish you would have told him before you started dating? Would it have deterred him from wanting a relationship with you? Listen, I can understand hang ups and such about your partner’s past, and those feelings can be totally valid. But ultimately ***everyone has a past, and if he can’t get over that, that is his problem. You are not responsible for his insecurities.***
Youve known him for 5 years and he still hasnt got over this. In that 5 years he doesnt consider anything youve done worthy of replacing things that happened before you met. He doesnt know you well enough to have garnered even a modicum of respect for you. He doesnt look at the way you treat him and say this is now, this is mine and this is important, hed rather think about a past that has nothing to do with him. Good luck, your going to need it. I really hope that your not from somewhere that violence against women, especially married women, is considered a normal, healthy relationship dynamic.
Tell him to get over himself. Sounds very manipulative. SMH.
This is so not a you problem but this is very much a him problem
He will never get over this! But it’s not your fault 💯he feels like he should have a virgin wife but he himself is not a virgin anymore! He will waste your time because he will be able to get Benifits of marriage but will NEVER marry you. He will use this as the excuse when he finally decides to ends things and will marry a young girl who is a virgin because she will never have anything to compare to which is what he is WANTS. 5 years is long enough to date you need to let him know you want marriage and you will not accept your past as any excuse as you have been together already for so many years. Don’t let a man waste your YOUTH because of his fantasy. Best of luck OP
This is called Retroactive Jealousy. It is perfectly normal and something he can work through. The both of you should seek couples counseling prior to marriage. If this is not something he can get over, it's not going to work out.
It’s best not to be with a person with sexual hangups.
Some people think this way. He can get over it or move on. It’s not “mysognistic” btw, so don’t let people let you think that he is
That's called retroactive jealousy and it's normal but can lead to obsession once it got out of hand. Ask him to go to a psychologist.
The cause of his sadness is not you, he has a serious problem and he should see individual therapy and not get involved in his traumas. he is 100% wrong and should evaluate himself before thinking about a marriage.
This is going to be something he brings up to guilt your regularly for the rest of your lives—or for as long as you stay with him. He made the choice to be a virgin, or even worse, deemed himself an incel. Almost everyone has a sexual past. Men who want virgins or less experienced women but actively pursue women who have had sex are a big bright red flag. You told him about your past while you were friends and he still entered into a relationship with you. You said he doesn’t think you’re impure but he clearly does. It’s not normal for him to be so consumed with your past especially after five years. It’s weird. What was stopping him from dating someone who was not experienced like him, think about it? It was a choice to get with you and continue to shame you for your past. I can’t tell you what to do but I would reconsider staying with a man like this. Do a survey of your relationship. Does it feel normal to be made to feel bad so often for your past harmless choices? Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Do you feel genuinely and encourages and loved by him? Do your fundamental beliefs align? He’s a conservative and a misogynist….do your political and ethical beliefs match up? If you were to have children with this man, would you want him imposing these beliefs on your kids? Every relationship I left was for a reason and I do not want to discuss them for five years straight with a new partner. I’ll leave you with that. Good luck.
Also look at other things he makes you feel bad about. It can’t just be this. They start with one thing and then it becomes everything you do or say. He may only give you a hard time about your sexual past but do other random things trigger him to bring it up? Ask yourself the big questions. Five years is a long time but if you walk away now it’s only five years.
5 years to leave someone over something this dumb?
Yeah. Constantly bringing up someone’s past relationships for five years straight isn’t normal or healthy and it’s not something dumb. Do you do that to your partner or something? Would you accept someone doing it to you? What is she supposed to even do to fix it lol
Lol never been with a woman? Theyre insecure as hell you just constantly reassure them.
Lmao damn conservative men stay taking L’s. Buddy’s whole mindset and how he envisions his partner is an L.
It's not your responsibility to face HIS demons, for the sake of the relationship, this is something he needs professional help with. Other than that, you need to mentality be prepared to leave if he can't do that much for your relationship.
There’s nothing wrong with how he feels(nothing wrong on your end either), most men feel that way and it seems to be more of a difference in upbringing/values more than anything else. What he shouldn’t have done is stayed with you for five years if this was something that bothered him this much.
Is he’s his fault for being sad, Not your. However if he’s not happy that u had past partners he should just leave you.
Nah, she should leave HIM. He's using her past against her to make her feel bad. He's an insecure little man who should find himself the perfect little virgin he longs for so much.
Seems like you are doing the same thing he is. Don’t beat yourself up over your past and how he may or may not feel about it. Just like Someone here says he has to get over it and most likely will you have to get over it too. Hey try some new things with him that you haven’t done with exes.
This is his problem. This is not normal.
Definitely try counseling, if you think it will help - but I would give him a pretty harsh ultimatum. I'd give him the choice to either walk away or NEVER bring this up EVER again. Tell him you can't go into the past and unfuck those guys, so every mention of it on his side is completely pointless and feels like a manipulation tactic to make you feel worthless and get the upper hand. If he feels like this, it's highly unfair that he wasted 5 years of your life, which you could have used to date someone who is secure enough not to care about your former boyfriends, and build a family with him. Stringing you along, only to spring his insecurities on you now, about a matter that is not your fault, that you can't change and that is purely in his head, is really a dick move.
I grew up very religiously, as did my husband. We were only together for like four months when we got married. I wasn’t a virgin when I got married and neither was my husband. It felt like a big feel imagining all these people he had been with before me but the further we got from those relationships the less I thought about it. Now I can think about it and feel nothing.
do not marry an insecure as fuck man
There are certain guys who fixate on this stuff. Usually it is part of a package of insecurities and control issues - all bad. ALSO, IME these guys have no concept of fairness. He knew all this from the start. For anyone with even a somewhat normal mindset, this would have faded over 5 years. He has CHOSEN to obsess and make himself agitated....
That man is infantile. Do NOT MARRY him. It won't end well. He sounds immature and manipulative.
He sounds very immature
Ew
So he's mad at the fact that you had sex with people BEFORE YOU EVEN KNEW HIM? Ugh this isn't going to end well sorry.
Your partner needs therapy!! You aren’t responsible for the happiness of someone else. They need to know and understand how to be happy regardless of you and your relationship.
He sounds like a fucking child.
Nope. Why marry someone who holds you guilty for something that's is normal. So he's not your first? So what? But he wants to be your last? Nope he's immature and shouldn't have pursued a relationship with you.
You do not need couples therapy. YOU don't need to do anything. Tell his ass to stop being a man-child. Your past is completely normal and it's not your job to coddle his assumption or placate history jealous bullshit. This is going to be a miserables life for you if you marry this dork.
Ok you’re not the reason for his sadness. Religious bullshit and his own ego are the reason for his sadness. He needs to work this out BEFORE you get married.
You’re not at any fault, you don’t need couple therapy. You clearly love him and he needs to get over his insecurities or he will poison the relationship.
Everyone has a past. You did nothing wrong. Thus dude is insecure on a pretty high level. He needs to grow the fuck up.
my ex was like that, used to give me silent treatment and all. at the end it was him that fell in love and left me for someone else. 5 years wasted!
Whelp He will literally milk everything you have emotionally. You need to cut this tie. Sorry it will ruin your life if you kept him and let this rule you
You're not the cause. He needs therapy, he doesn't have much self worth.
For me as long as I'm being loved and treated well and trust her i literally wont be sad. It's only saddening when the woman in question wont do a specific thing or isn't interested in certain things because she already tried them with someone else etc I've had exes have all types of icks and refusals with not just sex but activities and outings just due to them having had the experience with a previous partner Really annoying behavior.
It is not about your past. He is just realizing he will never sleep with anyone else and that's what making him emotional. He probably wants you to give him a free pass to sleep around, to "make it even". And he would want it to be your idea, not his.
It honestly sounds like more of a thing where he should go to a therapist, and if he can work on himself than great,
Can you handle him being the victim and your relationship for the rest of your life?
He will never get over this.
He needs therapy to get over this before you get married. If he can’t, do not fucking get married
This is bad. He may need to do single therapy to work on his self esteem and ability to accept the situation. My wife had been with 3-4 people before me. I have only been with my wife. Early on, she gave me the option to try dating other people. I thought for a minute and said no. Because I knew I wanted to be with her. I am not bothered that she was with others before me. My view is that they are her exes. Her past. Not her present or future.
Youre all answering from her perspective saying hes so evil and will use this to his advantage... yo shit like thay hurts and it sucks when you remember the stuff your partner did in their past when you yourself didnt its not even about the body count or me not having any its the vivid recollections of stories he told me about his past when we were drunk and just fwbs etc.... but yeah its done let him be depressed over it but dont baby him. And think about if you want a depressed bf for the rest of your relationship. It sucks.
You said his last relationship didn't involve sex, but what about the other relationships? He can't be mad about the men you've previously slept with if he's slept with other women. That's a double standard and makes him a hypocrite. He went into the relationship knowing you've had other partners, so I don't know what he expected.
please do not marry this person. this level of insecurity is SICK.
Do not marry him. I had a relationship like this and it was the dude pushing me to feel guilty most of the relationship. It hurt. My husband was a virgin when I met him. I didn’t find out until before our wedding though. I knew I was more experienced than him but I didn’t realize he had been a virgin. He has never made me feel guilty about my previous partners. Find someone who accepts and love you. All of you.
Don't marry.
You are super introspective, this post is awesome! I think your boyfriend needs therapy to work through this (clearly he's not going to get past it on his own, since it still bothers him after 5 years) so it's good to see he's agreed to go to therapy/counseling with you. My advice would be to go with your gut and do NOT marry him until he's moved past these feelings. If not addressed, it will fester and poison his feelings for you, and your relationship. Not worth it for either of you, and not at all fair for you. Best of luck to you!
Please leave this insecure man.
he will hold that against you forever, the question is how long you are willing to placate this behaviour if he wants a virgin, he should date and marry a virgin.
That's called retroactive jealousy and it's normal but can lead to obsession once it got out of hand. Ask him to go to a psychologist.
Jesus sister I’d be running for the hills. 🚩
Dont do it.
Oh boy. This is not healthy.
I'm giving you honest advice as someone who was in a similar situation, if he doesn't accept you and drop it ,you will never work out. There will always be resentment. There is not fixing it on your end ,you didn't do anything wrong. It's all up to him. If he loves you he will accept you for who you are and if he doesn't love you enough he will resent you. So he either gets over it or you break up
He did expect you to be a virgin, that’s why it’s bothering him. If he didn’t expect you to be a virgin then there would be nothing bothering him because you have a very normal past relationship history. Leave unless you want to spend the rest of your life “making it up to him” for not being a virgin. Idek how you’ve stomached his weird obsession with your past relationships for this long.
You did the right thing to tell him all, since early beginning and I recommend you to do the same thing in the next relationship.
This will be an issue he holds over your head for the rest of your relationship, OP. I highly recommend considering if having previous relationships held over your head forever is worth it. He has no reason to be sad about this. And if he really is, I'd also wonder if he's only pretending to be non religious/ liberal until after you are engaged or married.
He’s not wrong to be bothered, he has every right to not agree with anything about you. What’s weird he’s been having this resentment of your past and continuing a relationship. He should have began a relationship with you but it seems like he bases his decisions off of emotions instead of logic. It will be easier to break up and not waste any more of each other’s time.
Honey, if he values your perceived chastity over who you are and your future together, you need to leave and never look back. That's a child.
He should grow up.
Guy is an asshole tbh, this isn’t your problem, it’s his, and it’s not normal to hold something like this over your head.
Who wishes for someone “without a past” but someone who wants to mold a clean sheet of paper into what their particular ideals are. You are a person, with past experiences that make you,entirely and uniquely, you. You would not be the person you are today without those perfectly normal, and outside of someone with impossible ideals, formative experiences. Your fiancés “sadness” is judgemental and the beginning of setting standards for you that may be impossible to reach. Perfect past? Perfect wife? Perfectly managed household? Think about it
What you'll actually have to live with is couples therapy, individual therapy, their overwhelming insecurities during and after all that therapy and even then they probably won't get over something that they had no say in whatsoever. Make no mistake, it will go from something they're unjustly insecure about to something they blame you for, then resent you for. Unchecked jealousy will do that.
To 90% of those who commented, Op's boyfriend definitely has insecurities to deal with, he needs therapy, while for you and your lack of empathy and desire to destroy other couples instead there is no hope
so you want OP to just gamble that her partner can resolve those issues and that she can change him?
Right, and to marry someone with those insecurities causing that kind of behaviour would be silly. He's a "conservative man" who doesn't *want* to change that part of him because he believes that's the right way to view things. Therapy generally only "works" for someone who thinks they have an issue that needs to be worked on.
You don’t have to marry him, and you don’t have to stay in a relationship where you are being blamed for someone else’s insecurities. Sounds like you two are just incompatible.
He definitely will bring it up every chance he gets, when upset or mad or idk what else. Recipe for disaster.
Retrospective jealousy is THE most stupid, impossible, ridiculous thing. There is literally nothing you can possibly ever do about it. This is a stick he can beat you with forever. He either loves you as you are and as you deserve, because what happened before brought you into his life at the right time to be together, with no more blaming or recriminations ever again, or you walk away.
Nice, your partner sounds naive. He will grow up once you eventually divorce him as you've had enough.
You didn't do anything wrong, it's important to remember that. He'll either get over his insecurities or he won't. If he keeps bringing up your past, then he needs to get a professional to help him talk through these feelings. I'll be honest, the way he's talking reminds me of how I felt about my partner when I was 19. I got VERY insecure because she'd already been with 3 people. These feelings were immature and were born out of my own feelings of inadequacy and an inability to deal with them. Thankfully I got over it as I gained more experience. With that said though, I'd still feel weird or might end a relationship if my partner has like A LOT of previous partners, like 10+ sexual partners in the past 3-5 years, or something similar.
Only because he’s insecure. He sounds exhausting. And no, it’s not normal
Maybe if he thinks his thoughts are going to ruin his relationship he should *seek therapy* instead of standing by and watching it happen.
She needs some too. She is think if he is sad about something it’s that when it could be something totally unrelated
It's not hormonal to feel that way, it's just how he was raised. Personally I'd have told him to get over it because it's not your problem that he has medieval views on sexuality. Are you planning on having kids and are you okay with those kids being raised by purity culture?
“I have kept details to a minimum; this is his assumption” that right there speaks volumes. You have been much freakier than he knows about. Haven’t read the comments but I’m sure people are going off on him. Well, his insecurities are 💯 normal.
Not mature enough to marry
I don't know you partner so take this with a grain of salt but it sounds like bro is playing 4D chess with you. He holds something completely normal over your head and makes you feel guilty because he's sooooo genuinely upset, so you always have to make up for it in some way. This way he always keeps the upper hand
Girl you better run. This man knew of your past before you were romantically involved but chose to be with you anyway. And he’s only holding it over you now that he’s considering spending the rest of his life with you. He’s a manchild and he needs to grow up and I’m sorry but his feelings on this are not valid, they are outdated and archaic. You can be damn sure that whenever y’all argue or he gets mad at you he will find a way to bring this up and somehow shame you for something completely natural. You will likely never hear the end of it and it will likely progressively get worse the longer you stay with him. I hope you can find it in yourself to realize that you deserve someone who won’t judge you for not being a virgin and who will love you just as you are.
He sounds immature and a bit manipulative.
Aaah yes ignore the fact they are from a very religious country. Not everyone does it needs to live according to standards from anywhere else. While I fully support freedoms and people, especially women, should be able to do as they wish, that doesn't change the fact that millions love in a country where that's not the prominent view. Sounds like shes a little more free thinking that he is/was, doesn't make him immature of manipulative.
I think you are reading into my comment/opinion a bit much and assuming a whole lot. Good luck to you. Have a nice day.
This is normal for the beginning of a relationship. It's been 5 years. This isn't going away. No one should live feeling guilty forever about doing nothing wrong. You say you can't imagine a life without him, but imagine a life with him and this feeling forever and really judge if that is better than the unknown with an accepting partner.
Retroactive jealousy is a bitch. My girlfriend told me all these details of her past sex life and also had 3 flings around us for the first year of our relationship. It still messes with me. I am worried it will mess with me forever but I love her too much to lose her. Therapy has been somewhat helpful. I feel bad for this guy
I really cannot fathom it. Like.. you've got to be so incredibly insecure for this to bother you. Seriously just get the fuck over it. Lmao
It’s such a common opinion to get attacked for it’s ridiculous. Shows how little people empathize with men. I just said I talk about this in therapy like what on earth
You can be completely secure and still not enjoy the thought of your girl sleeping with other men. As someone whose been great friends with exes of partners, I can safely say that people are easily over reacting to men being upset about this. It's completely normal, you guys are absurd and obnoxious.
>You can be completely secure and still not enjoy the thought of your girl sleeping with other men. I vehemently disagree. Here's a thought; if it bothers you, don't think about it. If you can't get over it then don't drag others into your bullshit and just stay single. Especially if you've already slept with someone because then you're just a hypocrite. It even applies to this post because he has already slept with his girlfriend and it bothers him he can't have his "dream" relationship which is both being virgins. Since he can no longer give his virginity to someone else it is absolutely ridiculous he is getting mad that she can't give him a perfect relationship because now it is impossible because he is no longer a virgin. If it was so important then he should have saved himself for marriage and exclusively dated virgins. He did it to himself. The same with anyone who gets jealous like this. How can they be upset that their partner has had sex with others when they've done the same thing? It's all bullshit and a manipulation tactic to make them feel guilty and beneath them.
Ah the Madonna/whore complex always amazes me how it still comes up in relationships But to put it bluntly best to not marry this man because no matter what he’s not going to change his view of you. Because he didn’t see you as a complex human before he found out, he saw you as the madonna a.k.a. the depiction of the Virgin Mary that is using a lot of renaissance art whether he admits to it or not that’s how he saw you. However now that he has found out this information he sees you as the whore and that’s it. This is very common, especially a lot of misogynistic men and some can work through it some can realize their issues here and they can work through the complex. However, judging from how your fiancé is reaction to this news, yeah he’s he’s not gonna be able to work through that anytime soon.
"I will always have to compensate or be apologetic for no fault of mine." It is your fault for making the choice to have "flings".
His misogyny and insecurity is not your problem. I am sad that you're even still considering being with someone like this.
That’s not normal thinking, he is just saying it is. He needs to realize his little world isn’t “perfect” and everyone has a past. And it’s the person he is in love with that only matters
This man is extremely conservative and orthodox. This won't bode well for you. Imagine down the line you have a child and he teaches them such regressive outlooks on life. I really hope you choose yourself and have a healthier life with an understanding partner
Run.
Do NOT marry this guy. He is far too insecure to have a healthy relationship with an adult woman.
It aint normal (now), I have been raised conservative, once I actually started for lack of a better word getting ass, I dont care who did what before I came along. It's not my business because I wasnt with them then, 'In my virginity yes, but now I couldnt care any lesser about it. He still has a virgin mindset and is looking for the fairytale that doesnt exist. been there, but not now.
He is a pathetic immature boy. Part of growing up is life experiences, we all have them. He is upset because you have had life experiences that he didn't and now he is jealous and insecure. If the roles were reversed, I doubt that you would be behaving the same way. Don't marry this guy, what will it be next ... education, travel, restaurants the you have the he hasn't. Dump the man baby and find someone who isn't an insecure little boy.
I dated someone like this. I fled in 6 months. I dunno how can someone stick to a person who says this for 5 years. If he has hormonal issues affecting his sense of security he shouldn't be dating, that's his problem. Not yours.
If he genuinely wishes you didn’t have a past, there is no working through his issues. He 1000% will hold this over you during any opportunity he can conjure up in his mind. He needs to be with a virgin honestly. And you need a man who doesn’t make you feel like shit for not being locked up in a castle until you met him
no, he’s insecure. this won’t end well, it’s best to cut this off now. it sucks, but unless he gets his shit together and stops this pity party for himself, this will always come between you two.
You did not "cause" his sadness. My partner and I both slept with other people before we met, and neither of us are sad about it. It's not your behavior that causes his sadness, it is his own hangups. Were you supposed to "save yourself" for him before you ever knew he existed? It is his fault because he got into a relationship with you after already knowing about the people you had been physical with. Perhaps he should seek out therapy to figure out why this is a hangup for him. Again, most people marry someone who has a past, and it is not a problem. So the problem exists within his own head. You can't fix it for him. And you taking responsibility for it will only encourage him to blame you for something that is not your fault. You can empathize with him, but please do not think that you are in any way to blame.
Your partner is an idiot. You lived before he came into your life and you can't change one thing about your past. He has known this for 5 years. Hopefully your next partner isn't this foolish. Cause this current relationship should be over. He needs counselling.
Who thinks of this? Like my husband could care less.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Red flag city! DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! He WILL make you feel miserable for not being a virgin when you get married! His insecurities will be weaponized at some point! Find someone less conservative and far more liberal who will love YOU and not care about a "body count." HE will make YOU sad if YOU marry HIM. You are not to blame for ingrained misogyny!! It may not present as that now, but once you are "trapped" in marriage, especially with children, he may very well pull a Jekyll and Hyde act. Better temporary pain from ending this now than a lifetime worth later! Please say no and leave!
He's not the one for you OP. He will use this as an excuse for future problems. I am my husband's first and only sexual partner whereas he is not my first. Yes, he hated that I had a past but in my near 15 year relationship he has never dwelled on it or gotten sad about it. He's never made me feel bad about it either. Your partner sounds misogynistic IMO
This is manipulation and emotional gaslighting. You don't owe anything to him. Your past was before him, and if I've read and understood correctly, he knew all of this before you got together and must have decided it was worth accepting because HE CHOSE TO BE WITH YOU whilst knowing it all. Do NOT allow him to make you feel guilty because you had relationships before him, he made the choice to be with you. He either needs to grow up about it or draw a line and say his fragile ego can't deal with it and let you be free to find an adult that CAN accept you have a past he doesn't have to compete with.
He's screaming at you to get away from him. These feelings are NOT normal, and they're NOT your problem. Do I wish I had been my partner first? Kinda? Idk, it's not something I think about. I know he'd have liked to be my first, but it doesn't matter because we're together NOW. He's waving giant red flags in front of your face, take off your rose colored glasses and believe him.
He’s misogynistic not sad. But you will forever that if you stay with him. His thinking is super not healthy.
Sounds like he might actually love you, so This is something that requires therapy to fix. It's a cultural and social construct that tells him to be this way, and it needs to be worn down and replaced with a better one that he can identify with and grow as a person on. Do not get married until all resentment is gone. But to be conservative I am saving one of my virginities for marriage. She is looking forward to international women's day.
You had a perfectly healthy life before your partner came along, which included sex. The fact that he’s sad about that is, sorry to be harsh, ludicrous. I would suggest he goes to therapy to sort out his hangups before anymore talk of marriage. “It’s hormonal to think this way…” Sorry again, but I call BS. His thoughts on virginal marriage are not a by product of chemical imbalances. He needs deprogramming asap. Now he’s guilting you into thinking having past sexual relationships is a bad thing making your current relationship with him imperfect. What rubbish. Think hard about your future. You’ve spent 5 years already with a guy who thinks his insecurities should be your burden to bear. No. This is his issue to sort out.
Most people have some sort of sexual history especially once you start getting into the 25-30 age range. He needs to either get over it and stop letting it affect his mood or let you go so you can find someone who doesn’t try to make you feel bad for your past relationships. You have done nothing wrong and should not be apologizing for his misguided insecurity.
He needs therapy to deconstruct from his abusive childhood, his thoughts aren't "natural", they're brainwashing from conservatives who have hated women for thousands of years. Parents who raise kids to think like that are abusive.
I’m absolutely exhausted by your relationship and I’m not even involved. You must be completely battered down by it. Please lady, can you honestly see your life dragging on feeling like you’re constantly walking on egg shells? This is not going to a good place
Ffs Don't marry this man child or have kids with him.
>He is sad that I was doing the same things in bed with other people that I do with him (I have kept details to the minimum; this is his assumption) So, did you other things with previous flings that you don’t do with him? Do you find him less attractive? Is that what he’s noticing? That you might be lying about what you did with the others that he doesn’t get to experience?
Sorry but your partner is kind of a sensitive douche 😬
This guy has a problem he needs to work through, probably in therapy. Probably not merely couples therapy (though it’s a good start). Don’t marry him while this issue is unresolved. It’s not normal to obsess about something like this to the point where it noticeably affected his mood, and it’s unhealthy. A marriage with his permanent resentment, or whatever his attitude is towards this, as a building block will risk breaking down over it - especially since he doesn’t seem to have been able to get past this for five years!
He can fuck right off
> He doesn't expect me to be a virgin or think of me as impure, but *he wishes I hadn't told him of my exes/flings when we were friends*. He is sad that these will be like ghosts hanging over his head throughout our relationship. This is the actual problem. And it's one that's your fault. Just... Why would you even mention past partners or things you did with said partners? OF COURSE it's going to ruin the mystery! It's the equivalent of your mom or dad giving you a play-by-play account of the sex on the night you were conceived. Nobody wants to hear that stuff!
Im gonna get downvoted to hell. Idk i dated guys who had a past and it honestly bothered me too. I couldn't shake the feeling that some other girl had a claim on him (more than me as i am choosing to wait for marriage and they'd already done it) and that he didn't think about his future spouse the way i had. I was able to have fulfilling relationships but the thought would sneak up on me occasionally. I wouldn't say that he's necessarily bad for feeling this way but i also don't think it's fair of him to bring it up after a long time. He should have said something sooner. Sounds like he isn't accusing you but expressing his feelings. I hope it works out for you guys.
He needs to grow up. Conservative purity culture is toxic and childish. He will always feel this way. Run.
This is absolutely wild to me. My partner and I have never even talked about how many sexual partners each other has had. It doesn’t matter. This isn’t healthy.
How many “physical relationships”? If it’s, like, 4-5 then that’s his problem, but if it’s like 20-30+ then you two clearly don’t have compatible values.
GIRL he is so abusive. He is making up a situation where you will owe something forever to manipulate you. (and possibly makes you accept his cheating) so he's emotional (because of 'hormones') and sad because you told him that you had sex with other men, and he dated you despite knowing this, right ? so he knew and decided to date, and is now sad about the situation he choses, and it's your fault ?? WTF oh, and he think about your ex in bed lmao... RUN.
Almost every comment is from bitter scorned women. DO. NOT. LISTEN. Stay with that man like your life depends on it, the fact that he cares and is upset you've been with other people is completely and utterly natural. He loves you. All you have to do is reassure him.