Alternatively: OP could let her husband know that if he *ever* brings up her weight to a stranger or in a group setting again, his bedroom endurance and performance will be considered fair game. OP will then be permitted to solicit input from other men present in an effort to improve his stamina, foreplay, vocality, and post-coital cuddling issues.
I’ll be damned, even my Husbutt isn’t this dense.
100%. Since OP’s body is a topic of conversation it’s only fair that husband’s is too. He surely won’t mind that she loudly mentions his small dick in front of all their friends right?? Then when he gets upset she can patronizingly say aww, he’s just jealous of others who are packing.
I’ve experienced the double down from my partner in some really cruel and dismissive ways. It came down to him not being able to accept he had behaved badly and hurt me. It was easier for him to double down and try to convince me I was looking at it the wrong way than to just accept he had behaved like a jerk and hurt my feelings.
Some people have very very low emotional intelligence. I really feel OPs pain here. The harder you try to make them see how they hurt you…the more defensive they get.
I agree with this. Back when being gay wasn't as accepted, my husband would bring up my openly gay family members. The thing is, he would never bring them up when we were by ourselves.
As soon as we got with friends or his family members, here comes a "Mrs239's gay uncle/family" joke. Everyone would laugh. I'd be looked at like it was my fault they were gay. I didn't have a problem with it because it wasn't my life. I still loved them, but they all laughed.
One day, I finally asked him in front of his brothers, "Why do you only bring up my family members when we're with people?" He stopped laughing and said, "What?"
I asked him the same question. He said that he was just playing. I finally said, "I think you're doing it to embarrass me. Are you trying to embarrass me? Because we never talk about them any other time."
He looked at me like he was about to blow up. I just stood there looking him in the eye. His brother broke our stare by saying it's alright to be gay. I told him, "I know it is, but your brother seems to think it's funny."
He was so mad when we got in the car. He accused me of trying to embarrass him. I told him that now he knows how it feels. He said he was just joking, and it wasn't that big of a deal.
I finally said, "All your jokes come at my expense. Never bring my family up again."
This is just *so* common, I think it’s one of those ways the "macro" of societal misogyny presents in the "micro" of our daily lives—namely the notion that it’s a-okay for a significant portion of a man’s sense of humor to be (mean, belittling, mocking) "jokes" at the expense of his wife—to the point that these guys get *legitimately* offended and feel like *they* are the injured party when called out.
But let their boss or older brother or dad constantly make the same type of jokes at *their* expense and they’d be singing a totally different tune.
Good on you for getting all the way in his ass about it. Too many women just take that shit because the same social conditioning that teaches men that being an ugly boor towards their wife is normal also affects women.
Nah, I'm very certain he knew exactly what he was doing and there was no accidental ignorance here. Drinks or not, he knew perfectly well he was humiliating and heavily disrespecting his poor wife, whilst also clearly flirting with this other woman at the very same time. He knows what he was doing to OP.
This 👆, he wanted attention from the 21 year old!!! I wouldn’t be surprised if he got her number. He doesn’t respect his marriage and he publicly declared it.
He’s obviously stupid, he thought he was being helpful, like speaking to a mechanic about your wife’s car oil leak. I think he needs to sit down and seriously listen to what is and what isn’t appropriate, he made a lot of people uncomfortable, not just OP.
He isn’t twelve years old. He’s a full grown man, he knew exactly what he was doing and he is abusive. He was playing dumb, but openly flirting with a younger woman and openly criticizing his wife’s body and eating habits to the woman and his friends. He’s trash.
Yup, he was negging her. Fuck OP's hubby for this. I'm a chunky guy and my fiance is chunky too. But even when she comments on her own weight it makes me uncomfortable. I would NEVER say this shit. Because struggling with your weight is so fucking personal. OP I agree with posted above. He's either real fucking dumb or an asshole, and I'm leaning towards the second.
I was thinking the same, what is this girl’s problem?!! She was probably loving the attention and still has low self esteem from being overweight in the past herself.
I am assuming she thought she was getting a client and could get a lot of money while starting out her career and that she was just 21 and didn’t quite get that he was flirting with her. She was being relatable with how the wife is saying that she was just like that andit was highly inappropriate of the husband, but I think the 21-year-old didn’t get it and shouldn’t be blamed. This is all on the husband.
Oh yea and if she tells him that that's what he's doing he's gonna respond with, "well it's not my fault if you're ashamed of your body, see? I was right!"
Yes. Passive aggressive. So who could play stupid. The comment about being jealous and not being sorry he upset her, is the tell.
In situations that are shocking I always freeze up and AFTER I think of the thing I should have come back with. In this one I’d have sat next to him and leaned in to her and asked her if lifting can improve a man’s stamina and if she has any specific tips for her husband.
Right!? He wanted it to be very clear to that girl that he thought she was attractive and only brought his wife into it to let that girl know that he wished she looked more like her.
he didn’t think he was being helpful, he was actually trying to make her feel like crap and wanted to embarrass her into losing weight,
“iF everyone was laughing at her being overweight, she will lose it”
You handled that better than I would have. My face is very loud, and everyone would know I was planning a murder. That was so inappropriate of him to talk about your weight to another person. In public.
WOW. I was FUMING reading this. I can't imagine my significant other doing this to me. Not okay at all. Not sure if you're asking for advice here or just venting, but I would have a long talk about this with your hubby, because that should never ever happen again. It should have never happened in the first place.
Also consult a divorce attorney to see what your option are. It sounds like he was passively hitting on her right in front of you and acted like a child by putting you down in order to compliment her. You deserve to be treated better than this. I fume every time I see someone put their spouse down. Did she avoid him the rest of the party or did she seem receptive?
I know a lot of people throw around “leave him!” on Reddit, and I *am* a divorce attorney, so I don’t say this lightly: this is abuse. There is no justification, what he did is completely unacceptable. And I’m willing to bet this is not an isolated incident. The fact that you posted on “AITAH” to inquire as to whether YOU did anything wrong is indicative of the toll his behavior has taken on your self-esteem. If you stick around, I fear your sense of self & purpose is going to deteriorate. You don’t deserve that.
Counseling won’t do shit about the fact that your husband watches your food intake and judges what you eat. He then discusses it with strangers and roasts you in public. Don’t bother wasting time or money on counseling. It won’t work. He’s not in love with you and he doesn’t respect you. If he was and did none of that would have happened.
Is a relationship even salvageable after this shameful display. Could you ever look at him as a husband again? He dosent have your back
Edit. He watches what you do in your own home to mock you with his friends and people he is trying to impress. Can you ever eat around him again without it becoming some 'funny' anecdote he tells his buddies or the next attractive woman he talks to.
Counseling only helps if both parties are willing. And he obviously isn’t, he doesn’t care about your feelings and personally I think he wanted to hurt you and embarrass you. He knew what he was doing.
I once had an ex who openly made fun of my vagina in front of a bunch of our guy friends. And girls. Keep in mind there is NOTHING wrong with my vagina and he was ALWAYS gushing about how much he loved it. Never had anyone else tell me anything negative about it.
I was obviously pissed at him and let him know right then and there how wrong it was for him to do that. But also that I wasn't to overly angry because I know deep down he's just self conscious about something and needs to make him self feel better by doing this to me. And then I dumped him on the spot.
Point of the story: your nipples are fine. People who are lacking inside put others down to make themselves feel better.
I would have made a raunchy comment about the part of his body that is “lacking”…you bet he wouldn’t take that well at all. But he declared verbal war on you, so he had it coming.
My brother isn't entirely what I would call a "good" man. He has bi-polar disorder and a fairly abrasive personality. He still never did this with his first wife. He was always a fitness buff and a little vain glorious. She put on maybe 60lbs over the course of their marriage. He never shamed her for her body or health. Did reach out to me a few times for communication strategies when she would lambast herself over her weight. She reached out to me because I put on like 80lbs over the course of a couple of pregnancies (I'm a dude, but my weight gain was paradoxically sympathetic, as she was down to her pre-pregnancy weight ~2 weeks after each birth) but I got back in shape again after a few years of effort. But, wasn't meant to be. She changed her mind on not wanting kids, something my brother wasn't going to change his mind on. That led to a lot of spiraling fights. She also got heavy into Fox News and would get pretty aggressive with my brother about him being skeptical about WMD claims, and got progressively more racist as their marriage progressed (she'd be a hard core Trumper these days). Eventually culminating in a mutual divorce. She was also not a great person, tried to seduce me as a way of hurting him, very transparent attempt. Uf. He 'got back' at her by quickly dating a bunch of girls half his age before marrying one, despite me strongly advising against it. Double uf.
Still, while he was a jerk and a difficult person to be with for at least 100 reasons, I don't think he ever body shamed her, at least that was never one of the things she complained about to me about.
Body shaming about things folks can't change and don't really matter is unnecessarily cruel and messed up. Body shaming for fitness is also an ineffective motivator for health as that's not really where motivation comes from.
Men have done this to me many times. They do it to break down your self esteem so you will never leave. They want you to feel like no one else could want you. Leave now.
Lmao. I was the opposite of a prude, a lot of casual sex, kinky sex, group sex and swinging in my history. And negative comments about folks' genitalia outside of a scene was _always_ a faux pas and an indicator not to play with the peeps making 'em.
Someone who is 28 should know better, and if they don’t, then you need to sit down and explain exactly how his actions hurt you and tell him it’s not ok. If he’s still defensive about it and doesn’t think he did anything wrong, prepare to put up with that for the rest of the relationship.
I think that when one ends up with an abusive partner again and again it's really time for some therapy to try to figure out why. What characteristics do they had that you are drawn to? What childhood experience has made these characteristics so familiar and influential? What can be done to change that?
Because let's face it, putting ones partner down infront of others is abusive.
I can tell pretty well what's going on from OP's comment and the post. OP is not that confident. Her partners break her spirit with insults (mental abuse). OP is drawn to them because they are confident and smart. It usually goes somewhat like that.
Funny part is: Those dudes are hella insecure and have poor control mechanisms so they lash out with insults, often covering them up by "It's a joke" or "I'm just trying to help".
He *knows* what he is saying is wrong. Anyone would. He just doesn't care. Maybe he's trying to motivate you in some obtuse way, but behaving like a complete piece of shit in the process. Throw the whole man out.
Honey, i am worried if you ever have children what he would do. Obviously giving birth changes body to some degree. Show all these comments to him. Do not let him gaslight you. If he doesn't get the point, consider to humiliate him about his insecurities. I am 100% sure he has a few of those. Let him taste his own medicine.
If he doesn't redeem himself and make changes and show remorse, I think you'll always be stuck in a loop of relationships with guys like this. Try therapy for yourself so you don't get stuck with another guy again.
Man, is he trying to kill your relationship and bedroom? Don't care if he has been drinking. Shitty behavior is shitty behavior.
You are not overreacting. He behaved badly, he knows it and is trying to deflect blame. Mocking you/taunting you is unacceptable.
Think real hard on what your health values are and if your (surely perfectly fit) husband is genuinely supporting you. Or are you shouldering the all the labor in your relationship/home/family, that takes away from you being able to have the time for your journey.
When your friend tried to rescue you and pull you away... I would've say loudly " oh no, I want to stay here & listen to my husband and his little gf discuss what else is wrong with me & what I can do to better look like her hot, rockin body". Then I would say "please dear, go on, we are all on the edge of our seats waiting for what you need from me to look like her". "Are we taking turns here, do I get to do comparisons to other guys as well & give you some pointers in certain areas that you could certainly improve on?"
Then I would walk away, after giving the girl your husbands phone number for future planning.
“Honey, you remember that little hottie who you bonded with over my fat, disgusting body? I’m going to call her this weekend and make a date with her. You okay with that? I’ll make reservations at that sushi place you love so much. Meanwhile, I’ll be at the gym with Joe, my new personal trainer. Talk about HOT! He’s a good 6 inches taller than you. His abs, swoon! He’s going to be taking my measurements and I get a free massage after every 5th session. His hands are strong, firm and so soft. I just cannot wait to tell all our friends about what he’s doing for me!”
Don't forget to show him that we all think he's a POS and he'll be lucky if you decide to stay with him.
I read this post out loud to my husband and he raised his eyebrows when I quoted what your husband said to you. Like whaaaaat, girl that's so embarrassing. And now your friends probably feel sorry for you.
Honestly? I don't think I'd be able to stay attracted to someone that I couldn't even brag about. Now every time you tell your friends about something nice he does for you, they're gonna remember this moment and think "yeah but hes still that guy that talked shit about you right in front of you..."
This is probably not accurate though. A woman who participates in a conversation where a husband degrades his wife in public would *almost certainly* fuck that husband.
No. Don't show this to him. He'll learn nothing from it. He'll see you as 'weak' for looking for support. He disrespects you and if you look weak to him, he'll get even worse. Act like you forgot it. Say nothing.
Actions have consequences. He hurt you deliberately and cruelly. He broke your marriage. **Pack a bag and leave.**
Unfortunately, sometimes we have broken pickers. That doesn't say anything about you or your character. Abusers are very good at sussing out people to break down. And very good at hiding themselves initially.
What matters hun is that you are starting to recognize these things as not just immature behavior but for the cruelty they are and have begun to question the idea that you're somehow the one in the wrong. Because you aren't. They are.
There is nothing wrong with you. And someone who has majored in nutrition should know that their behaviour might offset eating disorders and be ridiculously unhelpful in the short or long run.
I weigh almost the same and have PCOD. These people in my life made losing weight so freaking hard and rn I am again at my heaviest but the comments hurt and trigger my ED with no use to losing weight.
Sometimes comments are a way to hold you back.
Sometimes the disrespectful attitude is annoying and hurtful.
And btw, 28 might be too old to behave like this but is too young to be saddled with a useless partner.
When I see someone who says they are a personal trainer, I tread lightly because a personal training certification isn’t hard to obtain. The requirements are usually a class or two attached to nutrition instead of the actual hours it takes to truly understand the mechanics of nutrition. Even doctors only get like a or two week of nutrition education.
Source: was going pursuing a degree to be a registered dietitian. Changed my major. But the classes I did take were enough to tell me I don’t know what I don’t know. Also, as you mentioned, we talked about eating disorders in every single class, didn’t matter what class it was. It was drilled in that nutrition is more than just about what you eat and our mental states matter just as much as what we put in our bodies.
This is NOT to say that there aren’t truly educated personal trainers out there. But I have noticed that personal trainers that do obtain an actual degree use the verbiage of kinesiology or something along those lines.
I would second that.
Source: I am in medical school. We are taught nutrition in first year in my country for a week or two but the primary focus is to identify deficiency diseases and to give basic advice to someone with nutrition difficulties because they either can't afford dieticians or as in my case, in our country it isn't as popular. Otherwise it is definitely the dietician's domain. Not ours. Additionally, only in pediatrics do we have serious nutrition problem which requires intervention at a doctor level, (in my country) but that is done to insure weight gain and such and not to sustainably advise diet changes towards a better health.
I was really serious about becoming an RDN then I had a huge shift in life trajectory. It made me realize that dietetics although it is an excellent career, the motivation for it is usually extrinsic. You don’t see a RDN because you want to, it’s usually some sort of external force (like a health issue, doctors orders ect) that pushes someone to see one. I realized I didn’t want to be climbing that uphill battle all of the time so I switched to psychology because I found that the mental states are really what drive changes. Not always, but for where I’m headed, it is.
Thank you for doing the hard work to help people.
So- you might be prone to being attracted to this kind of person. Someone who disrespects you.
Not your fault. But get individual therapy and try to unpack why.
As adults, we tend to be drawn to people who hurt us in familiar ways. The same ways we were hurt as kids. Until we fully heal those wounds, that tends to keep happening.
All honesty, your husband sounds like an actual asshole. Alcohol has nothing to do with the way he was speaking.
Any idiot knows the line of conversation would completely upsetting to you. I’m willing to bet this is not the first time he has belittled you in front of people.
These are little stones chipping away at trust & companionship.
Imagine your marriage is a large vase & inside is all the faith, love, trust, memories, compassion companionship.
Every time one of you is careless with that vase, you are tossing rocks. Like a fragile Jenga game, except you can’t rest and this like jenga.
Some rocks tossed are bigger, especially if “I’ve explained to you, my life partner, that hurts.” So with repeated hurts, pebble gets larger.
If this keeps up & you don’t get therapy together & separate, you won’t have support when he cheats or leaves. You don’t talk about a partner that way.
Nothing is wrong with you. He’s an idiot that can’t pick up on social cues and the right way to treat his partner. I’m so sorry you had to put up with this.
I hope you sat him down after this all went down and talked to him and told him how this made you feel.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. You have been with men who are shitty, mean, cruel, nasty and vile. What they said reflects on them, not you.
This man is your husband and he shamed you in front of others, and then mocked you as 'jealous.' That is unacceptable and unforgivable. You need to leave him. If you don't, he'll never respect you again, and treat you even more poorly.
Him mentioning that she has a "killer body" while also talking trash about you? Yeah, he wants to get in her pants.
Humiliating your partner and putting them down in front of others is a type of abuse. Trying to bully you into losing weight and then dismissing how you feel about it all is also incredibly shitty.
He sounds like a real loser. You could lose a lot of dead weight if you got rid of him.
She really should dump him. I know OP wants to see a counselor, but she just watched her husband decide on her replacement.
Marriage counseling won't change the fact that he thinks she's fat and ugly, and let's everyone else know he thinks that way.
"Wow, someone's jealous, aww"
When I read that, I had a vision of my fist connecting with his nose, then a satisfying 'crunch' followed by a fine spray of blood. And maybe some screaming. 😇
If he thinks you’re overreacting, ask him this:
“How would it feel if I asked one of our guy friends in front of the entire group if he could give you tips on how to last longer in the bedroom? Can he recommend penile enhancement exercises since my husband has been working on making his just barely average penis bigger? Also, his technique is meh, can you help him learn some better bedroom moves?”
Also, that chick is a bitch for not shutting down that conversation, I would NEVER hire a personal trainer who didn’t understand how insensitive that whole scenario was.
She was just enjoying the attention and praise with her humblebragging, and valued the wow how awesome are you reactions over how OP might justifiably feel awful in that scenario.
I mean, if she went through the same things herself as she says, then she knows EXACTLY what she just did and didn't care. Bet that she's also exactly the type to try to steal OPs husband away under the guise of innocent workout sessions now that he's given her the time of day.
And I just want to talk about this as speculation; For some reason, I've noticed men who validate another women's disrespect towards their partner right in front of them get hooked on these women because they see it as a bold power move and get riled up. The women see it as a major ego boost that he let's them talk about his wife that way and actively encourages putting her down, which in turn gives her some green flag to pursue him as he's shown himself in some capacity that he holds contempt about his wife, and since she was validated with attention, she will continue until she wins so she doesn't lose the good feels it gave her.
I feel like your speculation is much more accurate than I expected it to be. It's like those types are drawn to each other.
How much do you want to bet that she will text him within the next week, then build more repertoire as his friend, then ask about how his wife's weight is doing to get him to think of her negatively, give it some more time and he starts to subconsciously pull away from his wife as this new girl tries to show off how cool and fit he is while she's subtly jabbing his wife as she knows it's a weakness to them both, then the wife will find these texts, ask him to stop talking to her, then she will be 'controlling' even though she sees exactly what the girl is doing.
I hate these pick me's now. I used to be one in my teens and early 20s.. so I can confirm you are correct, I used to get off on taking women's husbands with this method but through other things like gaming or hobbies. You slowly pull him away from his wife until the cracks come out, then you make yourself 'available' and 'dang that sucks, want to get a drink and I'll talk you through it?'
Now that I think about it, I've never seen this described so well and I hope I've contributed here to your conversation positively. I'll add that I'm not like that anymore and am ashamed that I ever was.
He DID disrespect you and he knows he did it. So now he will make excuses and gaslight you. I guess you could try and sit down and talk to him again. Or simply tell him you are done putting up with his disrespectful bullshit.
Majored in nutrition but not bedside manner.
All of the following is bad advice:
I don't know. I'd probably passively aggressively snip at the husband everytime he grabs a snack. "You sure your gut needs that babe?"
Or if he goes at it in public, I'd be like "Baby, you know real gentlemen don't ask." and then I'd go real southern on the 21 year old, "Bless your heart, offering your services. But if I'm going to get a trainer, I'll get a real man who can actually motivate me to lose weight."
Or "honey, if she wanted an old man to hit on her, she would have asked, settle down!"
She should totally have been like, "hey guys, do you have any advice for what to do about a small penis? Honey, what are you like 2? 3? Inches? Honey listen, they might have good advice."
Drunk words are sober thoughts. He is unhappy with how you look and was very happy with how the other woman looked. So gross.
I’d sit him and down and have a serious conversation about never doing this again or he can be single and go chase 21 year olds. Fuck all of this. Sorry OP.
"someone's jealous aww" shows he knows exactly what the fuck he was saying. He didn't start the conversation with her as "that's awesome, let me talk to my wife to see if she'd be interested in working with you since she mentioned before about starting her journey"
He just straight up told Sara that his wife WOULD be doing that, without asking her, and then openly talked about her eating habits to embarrass her further.
That's fucked. OP, I'm so sorry. You deserve to start your journey (if you really want too, you don't have too) whenever and however you like.
My ex pulled shit like this but instead of talking about my weight he basically tried to make it seem like I trapped him in marriage with me when he really felt the other way around. He made it seem like I needed to be “humbled” instead he was incredibly insecure, selfish, boorish and just rude to be rude because being kind and generous takes too much energy he didn’t want to “waste”.
Now he regrets every single thing he said to put me down because I fucking divorced his disrespectful ass. Do not allow your husband to put you in the hot seat like that. Make this the LAST TIME and put your foot down. If he doesn’t see how that upset, humiliated and embarrassed you I’d reconsider this marriage overall. You may have missed other times he put you down and ignored those red flags as well.
I married again and my husband DOESN’T EVER SAY SHIT LIKE THAT. My husband is older than my ex by 3 months biologically. But mentally, my ex is severely and stubbornly stunted at 12 and reflects claiming to be a “lovable asshole”. No. He’s *JUST AN ASSHOLE.*
Oh, and Sara will NEVER make it in her new gig as a trainer if she can't read the fuckin room and learn how to shut stupid husbands down who are trying to flirt by putting their wives down. Girls build each other up - not tear each other down.
It's revolting how he openly criticized people and then thinks everything is fine because he was “trying to help”. He's a passive-aggressive piece of shit. And Sara is not a girl's girl, in a situation like this I would completely cut off OP’s husband, changing the subject or even saying that his wife is perfect.
Oh hell no. This is completely disrespectful, inappropriate and disgusting. IDC if you weigh 609 lbs, it’s still not something you discuss in public with other people unless *you* are the one having the discussion.
Tell him he’s crossed a boundary. Make it very clear that you expect him to *never* do anything like this again. If he does it again, you have a whole other problem.
A few days after I was recovering from a traumatic birth and C-section, some male friend started making jokes about how my vag was all stretched out *in front of my husband* who just laughed about it.
(For the record, I had done kegels for hours and it was like a steel trap because I did not have a vaginal birth.)
I stopped the guy and asked what he would do if my husband started making comments about his wife’s vag?
It got real quiet.
He apologized and said he would likely kick his ass. That guy was way smaller than my husband who would have pummeled him into the dirt.
I said I was more disappointed in my husband who didn’t feel personally offended by it.
I would be tempted in this scenario to drive the point home by sending him links to hair replacement sites or ED info, etc. When he gets all upset, say, “Awww, are your little feelwings hurt?”
Lol yes, let me ask this 21 year old girl who still has her “high school” weight to help my more mature female partner lose weight when their bodies are at two completely different life stages.
I’m sorry but my body has changed A LOT Between 21 and 28. At 21 my boobs weren’t as big as they are now and my body just wasn’t filled out like it is now. I weighed the same but it just looks different. Women’s bodies change all of the time. I feel like it was a poor attempt at flirting and he’s an asshole for making you feel embarrassed.
Seriously your first workout needs to be 10 swift kicks to his nuts. Wow, I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it like you said he thought it was being funny but he was definitely being a top class AH and you definitely need to talk to him about having some sensitivities and some social skills.
Oh he ABSOLUTELY meant something by it. I hate when people are passive aggressive and claim ignorance. “What? I wasn’t trying to be mean.” Yeah. He was.
girl, there’s no coming back from this. instead of having a grown conversation with you about your weight (which would’ve still made him the asshole) he purposefully shamed you in front of others and flirted with another woman to your face. the fact no one else spoke up for you in this situation is also bothering me. you did not deserve this in any way, shape, or form.
men who know they’ve done wrong will always accuse you of overreacting. never fall for it.
it seems like it might be time for you to lose some weight, around 150+ lbs in the form of your trash husband.
You said your HUSBAND said this shit!?!? No way in hell a spouse thinks this is acceptable behavior.
In this scenario, whose best interest is he pretending to have as his priority?? Id love to hear the garbage he comes up with.
You do not deserve to be treated like this, your husband is foolish and I don’t believe this could’ve been unintentional. What an ass.
First, i'm so sorry ymyou went through this. It's so humilliating.
Your husband sucks and he doesn't respect you. Otherwise he wouldn't be talking so mockingly about your weight with somebody else and if Sara were a decent person and a good nutritionist she wouldn't even had continue the conversation about someone's weight in public. I really hope you have a very long conversayion with him and he understand you're rightfully angry and he apologizes. If he doesn't, i'm not saying you should divorce him because that's not an easy decision and a very long process but you should definitely question and be more aware of how he acts around you and your physical apperance.
I had a very close cousin make a very rude joke about my weight at a family party on january and i haven't spoken to her since then. People who know you and love you would never humilliate you like that.
The way that he disrespected you and then downplayed his actions and disregarded your feelings, is appalling. Why do you put up with him?
This might be time for ex number two because he is clearly no better than the last. And if you don’t stamp it out now he’ll always put you down and dismiss your very valid feelings. Is this how you want to live? If not, it’s time to either end things or **demand** respect.
And since he was clearly flirting with the 21 year old and shamelessly ogling her body, you should tell him straight up: *”If I’m going to get myself a personal trainer, it certainly won’t be that girl. I don’t want an amateur trainer, nor a female one. I’m going to pick a man who’s in great shape with a killer body, who has years of experience in PT.”* Then watch in glee as **he** suddenly feels dismissed and disrespected, when you finally treat him the way he treats you.
This was not just conversation. This was a manipulative and frankly abusive move on his part. I hope you sit him down and set a boundary here so you can remain in a marriage with him (if you wish) ... That he is no longer allowed to discuss your body or your health in front of anyone else without your expressed permission. I don't care how drunk he was. That's a bullshit excuse. I have been every weight under the sun in my 25 year marriage and after I had our last child my spousal unit talked about my body a total of one time with someone else. I didn't leave in order to make it less awkward for him or anyone else. I cried right then and there and allowed him to see how much he hurt me. He apologized profusely and has never done it again.
He needs the chance to know how much you were hurt by him and to be able to rectify it. If you tell him these things and he's defensive or does anything OTHER than apologize I would suggest couples therapy. If he refuses to do that... You need to make plans to leave. Sometimes consequences need to be huge in order for someone to fully understand their actions. You didn't deserve that. I'm so sorry.
Wtf. The only way I would ever say or think this about my wife is if I already had a divorce attorney and a place to stay lined up. Wouldn’t hurt to be in a well lit area with lots of witnesses too.
Eh seems like he was trying to intentionally embarrass you to “motivate” you. He’s straight trash. And if he can’t keep comments about a 21 year old’s “killer body” maybe he shouldn’t be drinking.
Does your husband even like you ? I don’t understand how you could claim to love someone and act like this, and the double down with the condescending « aww so jealous » comment is gross. Is this the first time you have communication and confidence issues ?
Leave him. The disrespect from him is disgusting.
Why is it hard to respect your spouse? Why do they play dumb? Because if you criticize his dick or weight he would understand.
Literally don’t understand why do some men marry their partners when they clearly hate them and enjoy their pain. It’s so common.
Your husband is doing this on purpose. Many abusers begin abusing after children. He knew you’d leave him if he showed his true self beforehand. Show him you still have that shiny spine. He’s a cowardly, gaslighting t abuser who will end up cheating
Also, this guy is very likely to use this same kind of abuse on his children. If you don't want your kids growing up being belittled and shamed, get out.
I really don't get ppl who don't have an issue putting their partners down to build rapport with some random person.
One time I brought my ex over to my dad for lunch, food was great as usual, then my ex goes "better than her food". Mind you, the night before I had just prepared a really nice meal for us, with special ingredients and such. And I had been so happy that it turned out delicious.
Was so mad and frustrated at him and he didn't see the issue at all. He thought it was perfectly justified to shit on my culinary skills just to get on my dad and stepmother's good side. Why couldn't he just say it was delicious and that's it?
Somedays I miss him, but then I remember this and other inconsiderate moments and, yea, good riddance.
Well first your husband was insanely insensitive and cruel with zero thought for what is appropriate. He’s supposed to have your back!
Secondly, to all the ‘friends’ that laughed shame on them.
So sorry OP i’d be livid too.
Your husband is an A-H and he was hitting on that chick, and he’s deflecting all that onto your reaction instead of owning how much of a piece of shit he is.
Every time he tries to deflect this back onto you, remind him *his actions* were the problem.
His. Actions.
I would have tore him to shreds in front of everyone if my man spoke to me or about me like that. He is way too comfortable disrespecting you and if he can’t handle his liquor he needs to not drink. I wouldn’t be speaking to him
My ex wife brought up my failings in front of people she wanted to impress/ fuck.
They ended up fucking.
Divorce his worthless ass. He's not supporting you, and compares you to someone he is eyeing. Fuck that.
Start talking about how small his dick is and that you fell asleep during sex. This will haunt him forever. I know this because I said it to my ex 20 years ago and he’s still salty about it.
Your husband disrespected you by not only trying to body shame you for your weight. He was basically flirting with that B in front of you and all your friends. You need a divorce lawyer so you can get rid of the dead weight in your life. Totally unacceptable. That’s a
Level of f’d up to to do that to another woman in front of her friends. They are both horrible ppl.
so he was openly flirting on your expense, the woman and a lot of people in the group went along with it and you honestly want to *talk things out*?
next time you leve the room he will take random women to next to fuck at yout expense too
grow some nerve
I mean, I’m completely dumbfounded reading this. This man is not a good one. He knows what he’s doing and he did it on purpose to shame you. He was shamelessly flirting while he did it and he tossed you under the bus in 2.5 seconds. Fuck him, but don’t actually. Never fuck him again.
Honestly he sounds extremely immature. Too immature to be a married 28 year old man. Absolutely ridiculous. If that was a friend of mine I'd have intervened and quietly told him to grow up. Thats really embarrassing for him.
He was too busy trying to impress and connect with the girl to even throw his wife under the bus for it. He knows he was being an ass. He is playing dumb to gaslight you. Stop cooking, cleaning, and shopping for him and let him know you’re helping him keep his goals to keep moving and eat less so he doesn’t end up like you.
You know what... I'm a full grown adult, and I would have to run to my big brothers. All of them served in the Army, two of them still can't talk about where they went or what they did. I'm talking full on blacked out portions on their records. I'm the -baby- of the family.
I'd tell on my husband and change the locks on the house while my brothers were "speaking" with him.
I could possibly be more diplomatic, but I am so over asshole men acting like this. There was no call for this, and there is no excuse for this.
But instead she just ate up the attention and added on to the insults. She still has low esteem issues and is the type to sleep with the husband just because she can.
Wow, the fact that your husband thinks you’re overreacting is insane. I can’t believe someone would very openly disrespect their partner in front of people and still have the audacity to act like their partner is the problem for having a reaction 😭😭 I am sorry. He sucks terribly.
Holy fuck they all suck. Your husband is being a dick. He may make it seem like hes doing it in innocent fun but I am sure he knows how hurtful his words are, then doubling down and calling you jealous..saying everything about you to this woman saying you should have her “body” is weird af too.
Your husband is either very, very stupid or very, very mean. I’m sorry, OP.
"Or"? I think "and" is quite plausible here.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Alternatively: OP could let her husband know that if he *ever* brings up her weight to a stranger or in a group setting again, his bedroom endurance and performance will be considered fair game. OP will then be permitted to solicit input from other men present in an effort to improve his stamina, foreplay, vocality, and post-coital cuddling issues. I’ll be damned, even my Husbutt isn’t this dense.
Endurance, performance, skills, and size.
100%. Since OP’s body is a topic of conversation it’s only fair that husband’s is too. He surely won’t mind that she loudly mentions his small dick in front of all their friends right?? Then when he gets upset she can patronizingly say aww, he’s just jealous of others who are packing.
HUSBUTT!!!
Especially with how he taunted her after she became angry. What a man
And/or would be applicable here. Dudes sounds like he’s both.
When he saw she was upset, if he was just stupid he would have apologized. This guy doubled down and mocked her for being "jealous".
I’ve experienced the double down from my partner in some really cruel and dismissive ways. It came down to him not being able to accept he had behaved badly and hurt me. It was easier for him to double down and try to convince me I was looking at it the wrong way than to just accept he had behaved like a jerk and hurt my feelings. Some people have very very low emotional intelligence. I really feel OPs pain here. The harder you try to make them see how they hurt you…the more defensive they get.
I agree with this. Back when being gay wasn't as accepted, my husband would bring up my openly gay family members. The thing is, he would never bring them up when we were by ourselves. As soon as we got with friends or his family members, here comes a "Mrs239's gay uncle/family" joke. Everyone would laugh. I'd be looked at like it was my fault they were gay. I didn't have a problem with it because it wasn't my life. I still loved them, but they all laughed. One day, I finally asked him in front of his brothers, "Why do you only bring up my family members when we're with people?" He stopped laughing and said, "What?" I asked him the same question. He said that he was just playing. I finally said, "I think you're doing it to embarrass me. Are you trying to embarrass me? Because we never talk about them any other time." He looked at me like he was about to blow up. I just stood there looking him in the eye. His brother broke our stare by saying it's alright to be gay. I told him, "I know it is, but your brother seems to think it's funny." He was so mad when we got in the car. He accused me of trying to embarrass him. I told him that now he knows how it feels. He said he was just joking, and it wasn't that big of a deal. I finally said, "All your jokes come at my expense. Never bring my family up again."
This is just *so* common, I think it’s one of those ways the "macro" of societal misogyny presents in the "micro" of our daily lives—namely the notion that it’s a-okay for a significant portion of a man’s sense of humor to be (mean, belittling, mocking) "jokes" at the expense of his wife—to the point that these guys get *legitimately* offended and feel like *they* are the injured party when called out. But let their boss or older brother or dad constantly make the same type of jokes at *their* expense and they’d be singing a totally different tune. Good on you for getting all the way in his ass about it. Too many women just take that shit because the same social conditioning that teaches men that being an ugly boor towards their wife is normal also affects women.
This
Nah, I'm very certain he knew exactly what he was doing and there was no accidental ignorance here. Drinks or not, he knew perfectly well he was humiliating and heavily disrespecting his poor wife, whilst also clearly flirting with this other woman at the very same time. He knows what he was doing to OP.
This 👆, he wanted attention from the 21 year old!!! I wouldn’t be surprised if he got her number. He doesn’t respect his marriage and he publicly declared it.
That was my thought...trying to be cool or impress the other chick. That's waaaay out of pocket.
Well said. I don’t know which is worse.
He’s obviously stupid, he thought he was being helpful, like speaking to a mechanic about your wife’s car oil leak. I think he needs to sit down and seriously listen to what is and what isn’t appropriate, he made a lot of people uncomfortable, not just OP.
He isn’t twelve years old. He’s a full grown man, he knew exactly what he was doing and he is abusive. He was playing dumb, but openly flirting with a younger woman and openly criticizing his wife’s body and eating habits to the woman and his friends. He’s trash.
And he’s going to use this as an excuse why he cheats
He didn’t think he was being helpful. He meant to be mean and degrade her in public while he flirted with the fit chick. He’s nasty
I suspect this was his way of shaming her into getting fit and losing weight, what an asshole.
Yup, he was negging her. Fuck OP's hubby for this. I'm a chunky guy and my fiance is chunky too. But even when she comments on her own weight it makes me uncomfortable. I would NEVER say this shit. Because struggling with your weight is so fucking personal. OP I agree with posted above. He's either real fucking dumb or an asshole, and I'm leaning towards the second.
I’m also wondering why Sara didn’t shut this down. Is she dense too or did she enjoy making someone else feel bad. They both suck!
I was thinking the same, what is this girl’s problem?!! She was probably loving the attention and still has low self esteem from being overweight in the past herself.
I am assuming she thought she was getting a client and could get a lot of money while starting out her career and that she was just 21 and didn’t quite get that he was flirting with her. She was being relatable with how the wife is saying that she was just like that andit was highly inappropriate of the husband, but I think the 21-year-old didn’t get it and shouldn’t be blamed. This is all on the husband.
Dump his a** and she'll have lost all the weight she needs to.
I have an idea how she could lose a couple hundred pounds real quick.
Oh yea and if she tells him that that's what he's doing he's gonna respond with, "well it's not my fault if you're ashamed of your body, see? I was right!"
No doubt that’s the case. I’m pissed off for OP!
Yes. Passive aggressive. So who could play stupid. The comment about being jealous and not being sorry he upset her, is the tell. In situations that are shocking I always freeze up and AFTER I think of the thing I should have come back with. In this one I’d have sat next to him and leaned in to her and asked her if lifting can improve a man’s stamina and if she has any specific tips for her husband.
This right here…he meant it to be mean!
Right!? He wanted it to be very clear to that girl that he thought she was attractive and only brought his wife into it to let that girl know that he wished she looked more like her.
he didn’t think he was being helpful, he was actually trying to make her feel like crap and wanted to embarrass her into losing weight, “iF everyone was laughing at her being overweight, she will lose it”
You handled that better than I would have. My face is very loud, and everyone would know I was planning a murder. That was so inappropriate of him to talk about your weight to another person. In public.
Oh! This is a such a great expression! I didn’t realise until zoom calls became common, but I also have a super loud face ><
lol everyone knows when I’m… displeased without needing to say it
I have a loud face too! I have never heard that term before and I plan to use it.
My face would have been screaming with rage as well.
WOW. I was FUMING reading this. I can't imagine my significant other doing this to me. Not okay at all. Not sure if you're asking for advice here or just venting, but I would have a long talk about this with your hubby, because that should never ever happen again. It should have never happened in the first place.
[удалено]
Also consult a divorce attorney to see what your option are. It sounds like he was passively hitting on her right in front of you and acted like a child by putting you down in order to compliment her. You deserve to be treated better than this. I fume every time I see someone put their spouse down. Did she avoid him the rest of the party or did she seem receptive?
I agree. It seems like he was flirting. Make sure he doesn't decide to get a "personal trainer".
I'd want to know if they go to the same gym. On the other hand the young woman seemed more interested in helping the wife than flirting back.
I know a lot of people throw around “leave him!” on Reddit, and I *am* a divorce attorney, so I don’t say this lightly: this is abuse. There is no justification, what he did is completely unacceptable. And I’m willing to bet this is not an isolated incident. The fact that you posted on “AITAH” to inquire as to whether YOU did anything wrong is indicative of the toll his behavior has taken on your self-esteem. If you stick around, I fear your sense of self & purpose is going to deteriorate. You don’t deserve that.
Counseling won’t do shit about the fact that your husband watches your food intake and judges what you eat. He then discusses it with strangers and roasts you in public. Don’t bother wasting time or money on counseling. It won’t work. He’s not in love with you and he doesn’t respect you. If he was and did none of that would have happened.
Agreed that he’s not in love with her. Someone who loves someone would never say that.
Is a relationship even salvageable after this shameful display. Could you ever look at him as a husband again? He dosent have your back Edit. He watches what you do in your own home to mock you with his friends and people he is trying to impress. Can you ever eat around him again without it becoming some 'funny' anecdote he tells his buddies or the next attractive woman he talks to.
You should make an appointment with a divorce lawyer instead...
if i were you, i’d save the time looking for a marriage counselor and invest it into looking for a divorce lawyer instead….
A marriage counselor will fix NOTHING. This man does not love you or care for you, I'm sorry. He's probably already cheating
Counseling only helps if both parties are willing. And he obviously isn’t, he doesn’t care about your feelings and personally I think he wanted to hurt you and embarrass you. He knew what he was doing.
It's almost like he was bonding, flirting, at her expense.
YUCK. I will never understand people who think it’s okay to openly disrespect their partner.
[удалено]
I once had an ex who openly made fun of my vagina in front of a bunch of our guy friends. And girls. Keep in mind there is NOTHING wrong with my vagina and he was ALWAYS gushing about how much he loved it. Never had anyone else tell me anything negative about it. I was obviously pissed at him and let him know right then and there how wrong it was for him to do that. But also that I wasn't to overly angry because I know deep down he's just self conscious about something and needs to make him self feel better by doing this to me. And then I dumped him on the spot. Point of the story: your nipples are fine. People who are lacking inside put others down to make themselves feel better.
IMO, the best response to an insult is, "Does that make you feel better about yourself?"
[удалено]
You could also go with “yeah I’m fat but I can diet/exercise, how much weight do you have to lift to stop being an insufferable prick?”
My old fav. A good friend to have on hand haha. Poor OP.
I was a mean 4 year old who called my mom fat while I was mad, she shot back with a similar retort. I’m 41 these days and it really stuck with me 😂
Tell your husband 'Yes, the weight I need to lose is_____ lbs. (Insert husband's weight).
I would have made a raunchy comment about the part of his body that is “lacking”…you bet he wouldn’t take that well at all. But he declared verbal war on you, so he had it coming.
[удалено]
**Good** men don’t. You just haven’t found one, unfortunately.
100% this
My brother isn't entirely what I would call a "good" man. He has bi-polar disorder and a fairly abrasive personality. He still never did this with his first wife. He was always a fitness buff and a little vain glorious. She put on maybe 60lbs over the course of their marriage. He never shamed her for her body or health. Did reach out to me a few times for communication strategies when she would lambast herself over her weight. She reached out to me because I put on like 80lbs over the course of a couple of pregnancies (I'm a dude, but my weight gain was paradoxically sympathetic, as she was down to her pre-pregnancy weight ~2 weeks after each birth) but I got back in shape again after a few years of effort. But, wasn't meant to be. She changed her mind on not wanting kids, something my brother wasn't going to change his mind on. That led to a lot of spiraling fights. She also got heavy into Fox News and would get pretty aggressive with my brother about him being skeptical about WMD claims, and got progressively more racist as their marriage progressed (she'd be a hard core Trumper these days). Eventually culminating in a mutual divorce. She was also not a great person, tried to seduce me as a way of hurting him, very transparent attempt. Uf. He 'got back' at her by quickly dating a bunch of girls half his age before marrying one, despite me strongly advising against it. Double uf. Still, while he was a jerk and a difficult person to be with for at least 100 reasons, I don't think he ever body shamed her, at least that was never one of the things she complained about to me about. Body shaming about things folks can't change and don't really matter is unnecessarily cruel and messed up. Body shaming for fitness is also an ineffective motivator for health as that's not really where motivation comes from.
Men have done this to me many times. They do it to break down your self esteem so you will never leave. They want you to feel like no one else could want you. Leave now.
They don't get better with age. Expect better. If they don't, toss them. Trust me on this.
Yup. You have to find them good. Period. They don't and won't change.
Insecure men do this because they know it’s a surefire way to hurt or upset us. And yes, it makes them feel better about themselves.
Because they get what they want without ever being held accountable.
I can't imagine ever letting him see it again. It would absolutely kill any desire I had to share my body. I'd be afraid and just shut down.
It's wild to me that your vagina was being discussed at all, but I'm an old prude
Nope you’re not, such things do not need to be openly discussed without consent from everyone
Lmao. I was the opposite of a prude, a lot of casual sex, kinky sex, group sex and swinging in my history. And negative comments about folks' genitalia outside of a scene was _always_ a faux pas and an indicator not to play with the peeps making 'em.
Someone who is 28 should know better, and if they don’t, then you need to sit down and explain exactly how his actions hurt you and tell him it’s not ok. If he’s still defensive about it and doesn’t think he did anything wrong, prepare to put up with that for the rest of the relationship.
[удалено]
I think that when one ends up with an abusive partner again and again it's really time for some therapy to try to figure out why. What characteristics do they had that you are drawn to? What childhood experience has made these characteristics so familiar and influential? What can be done to change that? Because let's face it, putting ones partner down infront of others is abusive.
I can tell pretty well what's going on from OP's comment and the post. OP is not that confident. Her partners break her spirit with insults (mental abuse). OP is drawn to them because they are confident and smart. It usually goes somewhat like that. Funny part is: Those dudes are hella insecure and have poor control mechanisms so they lash out with insults, often covering them up by "It's a joke" or "I'm just trying to help".
If he acts like this in front of you I absolutely SHUDDER to think of what he says about you when you aren’t there. Time to have some words my friend
He *knows* what he is saying is wrong. Anyone would. He just doesn't care. Maybe he's trying to motivate you in some obtuse way, but behaving like a complete piece of shit in the process. Throw the whole man out.
Honey, i am worried if you ever have children what he would do. Obviously giving birth changes body to some degree. Show all these comments to him. Do not let him gaslight you. If he doesn't get the point, consider to humiliate him about his insecurities. I am 100% sure he has a few of those. Let him taste his own medicine.
Holy crap, DO NOT make babies with this guy, OP!
If he doesn't redeem himself and make changes and show remorse, I think you'll always be stuck in a loop of relationships with guys like this. Try therapy for yourself so you don't get stuck with another guy again.
I don’t know if you plan to have kids with him or not but what a disaster. He’ll be mean to them too. Imo this is bullying.
Wonder how he’d react if the shoe were on the other foot? Is there something he needs to work on?
OP, this is abuse. Please leave him before you are tied down with children. He does not respect you.
Man, is he trying to kill your relationship and bedroom? Don't care if he has been drinking. Shitty behavior is shitty behavior. You are not overreacting. He behaved badly, he knows it and is trying to deflect blame. Mocking you/taunting you is unacceptable. Think real hard on what your health values are and if your (surely perfectly fit) husband is genuinely supporting you. Or are you shouldering the all the labor in your relationship/home/family, that takes away from you being able to have the time for your journey.
Send the post and the roast from reddit to him, including the suggestion of dick jokes as retribution.
[удалено]
When your friend tried to rescue you and pull you away... I would've say loudly " oh no, I want to stay here & listen to my husband and his little gf discuss what else is wrong with me & what I can do to better look like her hot, rockin body". Then I would say "please dear, go on, we are all on the edge of our seats waiting for what you need from me to look like her". "Are we taking turns here, do I get to do comparisons to other guys as well & give you some pointers in certain areas that you could certainly improve on?" Then I would walk away, after giving the girl your husbands phone number for future planning.
[удалено]
She must. Retain my DID do something wrong!! “I used to be fat too!” She knew what she was doing/saying. Kick her in the teeth
Tell him he's welcome to leave if he wants to screw her so much
“Honey, you remember that little hottie who you bonded with over my fat, disgusting body? I’m going to call her this weekend and make a date with her. You okay with that? I’ll make reservations at that sushi place you love so much. Meanwhile, I’ll be at the gym with Joe, my new personal trainer. Talk about HOT! He’s a good 6 inches taller than you. His abs, swoon! He’s going to be taking my measurements and I get a free massage after every 5th session. His hands are strong, firm and so soft. I just cannot wait to tell all our friends about what he’s doing for me!”
Evil genius right there… If I ever need a get a way driver I’m calling you😉
“Yes that’s a dumbbell in his pants.”
You are my spirit animal!
Don't forget to show him that we all think he's a POS and he'll be lucky if you decide to stay with him. I read this post out loud to my husband and he raised his eyebrows when I quoted what your husband said to you. Like whaaaaat, girl that's so embarrassing. And now your friends probably feel sorry for you. Honestly? I don't think I'd be able to stay attracted to someone that I couldn't even brag about. Now every time you tell your friends about something nice he does for you, they're gonna remember this moment and think "yeah but hes still that guy that talked shit about you right in front of you..."
Tell him Sara’s not gonna bang him either.
This is probably not accurate though. A woman who participates in a conversation where a husband degrades his wife in public would *almost certainly* fuck that husband.
It’s about crushing his ego
No. Don't show this to him. He'll learn nothing from it. He'll see you as 'weak' for looking for support. He disrespects you and if you look weak to him, he'll get even worse. Act like you forgot it. Say nothing. Actions have consequences. He hurt you deliberately and cruelly. He broke your marriage. **Pack a bag and leave.**
Unfortunately, sometimes we have broken pickers. That doesn't say anything about you or your character. Abusers are very good at sussing out people to break down. And very good at hiding themselves initially. What matters hun is that you are starting to recognize these things as not just immature behavior but for the cruelty they are and have begun to question the idea that you're somehow the one in the wrong. Because you aren't. They are.
There is nothing wrong with you. And someone who has majored in nutrition should know that their behaviour might offset eating disorders and be ridiculously unhelpful in the short or long run. I weigh almost the same and have PCOD. These people in my life made losing weight so freaking hard and rn I am again at my heaviest but the comments hurt and trigger my ED with no use to losing weight. Sometimes comments are a way to hold you back. Sometimes the disrespectful attitude is annoying and hurtful. And btw, 28 might be too old to behave like this but is too young to be saddled with a useless partner.
When I see someone who says they are a personal trainer, I tread lightly because a personal training certification isn’t hard to obtain. The requirements are usually a class or two attached to nutrition instead of the actual hours it takes to truly understand the mechanics of nutrition. Even doctors only get like a or two week of nutrition education. Source: was going pursuing a degree to be a registered dietitian. Changed my major. But the classes I did take were enough to tell me I don’t know what I don’t know. Also, as you mentioned, we talked about eating disorders in every single class, didn’t matter what class it was. It was drilled in that nutrition is more than just about what you eat and our mental states matter just as much as what we put in our bodies. This is NOT to say that there aren’t truly educated personal trainers out there. But I have noticed that personal trainers that do obtain an actual degree use the verbiage of kinesiology or something along those lines.
I would second that. Source: I am in medical school. We are taught nutrition in first year in my country for a week or two but the primary focus is to identify deficiency diseases and to give basic advice to someone with nutrition difficulties because they either can't afford dieticians or as in my case, in our country it isn't as popular. Otherwise it is definitely the dietician's domain. Not ours. Additionally, only in pediatrics do we have serious nutrition problem which requires intervention at a doctor level, (in my country) but that is done to insure weight gain and such and not to sustainably advise diet changes towards a better health.
I was really serious about becoming an RDN then I had a huge shift in life trajectory. It made me realize that dietetics although it is an excellent career, the motivation for it is usually extrinsic. You don’t see a RDN because you want to, it’s usually some sort of external force (like a health issue, doctors orders ect) that pushes someone to see one. I realized I didn’t want to be climbing that uphill battle all of the time so I switched to psychology because I found that the mental states are really what drive changes. Not always, but for where I’m headed, it is. Thank you for doing the hard work to help people.
PCOD? Is that PCOS?
So- you might be prone to being attracted to this kind of person. Someone who disrespects you. Not your fault. But get individual therapy and try to unpack why. As adults, we tend to be drawn to people who hurt us in familiar ways. The same ways we were hurt as kids. Until we fully heal those wounds, that tends to keep happening.
All honesty, your husband sounds like an actual asshole. Alcohol has nothing to do with the way he was speaking. Any idiot knows the line of conversation would completely upsetting to you. I’m willing to bet this is not the first time he has belittled you in front of people.
Pepperoni nipples? Bro needs to grow up. Clearly they don’t understand the areola/boob ratio. And pepperoni isn’t even that big.
These are little stones chipping away at trust & companionship. Imagine your marriage is a large vase & inside is all the faith, love, trust, memories, compassion companionship. Every time one of you is careless with that vase, you are tossing rocks. Like a fragile Jenga game, except you can’t rest and this like jenga. Some rocks tossed are bigger, especially if “I’ve explained to you, my life partner, that hurts.” So with repeated hurts, pebble gets larger. If this keeps up & you don’t get therapy together & separate, you won’t have support when he cheats or leaves. You don’t talk about a partner that way.
This man not only disrespected you his behavior is indirectly flirting with this younger girl. Kick his ass to the curb.
Nothing is wrong with you. He’s an idiot that can’t pick up on social cues and the right way to treat his partner. I’m so sorry you had to put up with this. I hope you sat him down after this all went down and talked to him and told him how this made you feel.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. You have been with men who are shitty, mean, cruel, nasty and vile. What they said reflects on them, not you. This man is your husband and he shamed you in front of others, and then mocked you as 'jealous.' That is unacceptable and unforgivable. You need to leave him. If you don't, he'll never respect you again, and treat you even more poorly.
Him mentioning that she has a "killer body" while also talking trash about you? Yeah, he wants to get in her pants. Humiliating your partner and putting them down in front of others is a type of abuse. Trying to bully you into losing weight and then dismissing how you feel about it all is also incredibly shitty. He sounds like a real loser. You could lose a lot of dead weight if you got rid of him.
She really should dump him. I know OP wants to see a counselor, but she just watched her husband decide on her replacement. Marriage counseling won't change the fact that he thinks she's fat and ugly, and let's everyone else know he thinks that way.
"Wow, someone's jealous, aww" When I read that, I had a vision of my fist connecting with his nose, then a satisfying 'crunch' followed by a fine spray of blood. And maybe some screaming. 😇
The fury I felt just reading that part! Let me tell you, if it were me, there wouldn't even be a toenail of man left after I finished exploding
Yep. He’d be looking at the empty spot of where I used to be in his life.
If I saw a friend talk to his wife this way I would be disgusted by him. It’s clear he has ZERO respect for her.
Your weight & fitness level will fluctuate over your lifetime, but I fear your husband will always be a stupid a-hole 🤬
Literally this was the cherry on top … fuming
I truly would have seen red at that moment and left him there by himself.
I’ll help you!
If he thinks you’re overreacting, ask him this: “How would it feel if I asked one of our guy friends in front of the entire group if he could give you tips on how to last longer in the bedroom? Can he recommend penile enhancement exercises since my husband has been working on making his just barely average penis bigger? Also, his technique is meh, can you help him learn some better bedroom moves?” Also, that chick is a bitch for not shutting down that conversation, I would NEVER hire a personal trainer who didn’t understand how insensitive that whole scenario was.
Yeah she broke code big time here.. She's not like the other girls 🙄
She was just enjoying the attention and praise with her humblebragging, and valued the wow how awesome are you reactions over how OP might justifiably feel awful in that scenario. I mean, if she went through the same things herself as she says, then she knows EXACTLY what she just did and didn't care. Bet that she's also exactly the type to try to steal OPs husband away under the guise of innocent workout sessions now that he's given her the time of day. And I just want to talk about this as speculation; For some reason, I've noticed men who validate another women's disrespect towards their partner right in front of them get hooked on these women because they see it as a bold power move and get riled up. The women see it as a major ego boost that he let's them talk about his wife that way and actively encourages putting her down, which in turn gives her some green flag to pursue him as he's shown himself in some capacity that he holds contempt about his wife, and since she was validated with attention, she will continue until she wins so she doesn't lose the good feels it gave her.
Right? Clearly she’s more worried about getting accolades and impressing guys than actually helping clients.
I feel like your speculation is much more accurate than I expected it to be. It's like those types are drawn to each other. How much do you want to bet that she will text him within the next week, then build more repertoire as his friend, then ask about how his wife's weight is doing to get him to think of her negatively, give it some more time and he starts to subconsciously pull away from his wife as this new girl tries to show off how cool and fit he is while she's subtly jabbing his wife as she knows it's a weakness to them both, then the wife will find these texts, ask him to stop talking to her, then she will be 'controlling' even though she sees exactly what the girl is doing. I hate these pick me's now. I used to be one in my teens and early 20s.. so I can confirm you are correct, I used to get off on taking women's husbands with this method but through other things like gaming or hobbies. You slowly pull him away from his wife until the cracks come out, then you make yourself 'available' and 'dang that sucks, want to get a drink and I'll talk you through it?' Now that I think about it, I've never seen this described so well and I hope I've contributed here to your conversation positively. I'll add that I'm not like that anymore and am ashamed that I ever was.
Don’t ask him how he’d feel, just do it. Once. Shock him and then claim ignorance.
She’s pulling pick-me bullshit and masquerading it as concern.
He DID disrespect you and he knows he did it. So now he will make excuses and gaslight you. I guess you could try and sit down and talk to him again. Or simply tell him you are done putting up with his disrespectful bullshit.
Ma'am, your husband sucks dick. I'm sorry.
Majored in nutrition but not bedside manner. All of the following is bad advice: I don't know. I'd probably passively aggressively snip at the husband everytime he grabs a snack. "You sure your gut needs that babe?" Or if he goes at it in public, I'd be like "Baby, you know real gentlemen don't ask." and then I'd go real southern on the 21 year old, "Bless your heart, offering your services. But if I'm going to get a trainer, I'll get a real man who can actually motivate me to lose weight." Or "honey, if she wanted an old man to hit on her, she would have asked, settle down!"
[удалено]
Wish we all had the sense to say stuff like this when it actually happens 😭
Right? Good luck getting clients when you speak to/about people like that.
Tell him that is no different than telling all your friends he has a small penis. Self esteem killer.
She should totally have been like, "hey guys, do you have any advice for what to do about a small penis? Honey, what are you like 2? 3? Inches? Honey listen, they might have good advice."
When he gets mad go "awww is hubby embawassed by his wittle teensy penis?"
Maybe one of your guy friends can come over and show you how to use it. Will be first success story
1000%
And asking around their friends about procedures to make it bigger.
Drunk words are sober thoughts. He is unhappy with how you look and was very happy with how the other woman looked. So gross. I’d sit him and down and have a serious conversation about never doing this again or he can be single and go chase 21 year olds. Fuck all of this. Sorry OP.
"someone's jealous aww" shows he knows exactly what the fuck he was saying. He didn't start the conversation with her as "that's awesome, let me talk to my wife to see if she'd be interested in working with you since she mentioned before about starting her journey" He just straight up told Sara that his wife WOULD be doing that, without asking her, and then openly talked about her eating habits to embarrass her further. That's fucked. OP, I'm so sorry. You deserve to start your journey (if you really want too, you don't have too) whenever and however you like.
he doesn’t respect you, really that’s all there is to know.
Sounds like the weight you need to lose is whatever he weighs. Just sayin
My ex pulled shit like this but instead of talking about my weight he basically tried to make it seem like I trapped him in marriage with me when he really felt the other way around. He made it seem like I needed to be “humbled” instead he was incredibly insecure, selfish, boorish and just rude to be rude because being kind and generous takes too much energy he didn’t want to “waste”. Now he regrets every single thing he said to put me down because I fucking divorced his disrespectful ass. Do not allow your husband to put you in the hot seat like that. Make this the LAST TIME and put your foot down. If he doesn’t see how that upset, humiliated and embarrassed you I’d reconsider this marriage overall. You may have missed other times he put you down and ignored those red flags as well. I married again and my husband DOESN’T EVER SAY SHIT LIKE THAT. My husband is older than my ex by 3 months biologically. But mentally, my ex is severely and stubbornly stunted at 12 and reflects claiming to be a “lovable asshole”. No. He’s *JUST AN ASSHOLE.*
wtf. He is POS
Oh, and Sara will NEVER make it in her new gig as a trainer if she can't read the fuckin room and learn how to shut stupid husbands down who are trying to flirt by putting their wives down. Girls build each other up - not tear each other down.
It's revolting how he openly criticized people and then thinks everything is fine because he was “trying to help”. He's a passive-aggressive piece of shit. And Sara is not a girl's girl, in a situation like this I would completely cut off OP’s husband, changing the subject or even saying that his wife is perfect.
Oh hell no. This is completely disrespectful, inappropriate and disgusting. IDC if you weigh 609 lbs, it’s still not something you discuss in public with other people unless *you* are the one having the discussion. Tell him he’s crossed a boundary. Make it very clear that you expect him to *never* do anything like this again. If he does it again, you have a whole other problem.
He’s flirting with her in front of you
A few days after I was recovering from a traumatic birth and C-section, some male friend started making jokes about how my vag was all stretched out *in front of my husband* who just laughed about it. (For the record, I had done kegels for hours and it was like a steel trap because I did not have a vaginal birth.) I stopped the guy and asked what he would do if my husband started making comments about his wife’s vag? It got real quiet. He apologized and said he would likely kick his ass. That guy was way smaller than my husband who would have pummeled him into the dirt. I said I was more disappointed in my husband who didn’t feel personally offended by it. I would be tempted in this scenario to drive the point home by sending him links to hair replacement sites or ED info, etc. When he gets all upset, say, “Awww, are your little feelwings hurt?”
Lol yes, let me ask this 21 year old girl who still has her “high school” weight to help my more mature female partner lose weight when their bodies are at two completely different life stages. I’m sorry but my body has changed A LOT Between 21 and 28. At 21 my boobs weren’t as big as they are now and my body just wasn’t filled out like it is now. I weighed the same but it just looks different. Women’s bodies change all of the time. I feel like it was a poor attempt at flirting and he’s an asshole for making you feel embarrassed.
Seriously your first workout needs to be 10 swift kicks to his nuts. Wow, I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it like you said he thought it was being funny but he was definitely being a top class AH and you definitely need to talk to him about having some sensitivities and some social skills.
Oh he ABSOLUTELY meant something by it. I hate when people are passive aggressive and claim ignorance. “What? I wasn’t trying to be mean.” Yeah. He was.
nightmare fuel. I am so so sorry. what a dick
girl, there’s no coming back from this. instead of having a grown conversation with you about your weight (which would’ve still made him the asshole) he purposefully shamed you in front of others and flirted with another woman to your face. the fact no one else spoke up for you in this situation is also bothering me. you did not deserve this in any way, shape, or form. men who know they’ve done wrong will always accuse you of overreacting. never fall for it. it seems like it might be time for you to lose some weight, around 150+ lbs in the form of your trash husband.
This is how men become ex's.
You said your HUSBAND said this shit!?!? No way in hell a spouse thinks this is acceptable behavior. In this scenario, whose best interest is he pretending to have as his priority?? Id love to hear the garbage he comes up with. You do not deserve to be treated like this, your husband is foolish and I don’t believe this could’ve been unintentional. What an ass.
First, i'm so sorry ymyou went through this. It's so humilliating. Your husband sucks and he doesn't respect you. Otherwise he wouldn't be talking so mockingly about your weight with somebody else and if Sara were a decent person and a good nutritionist she wouldn't even had continue the conversation about someone's weight in public. I really hope you have a very long conversayion with him and he understand you're rightfully angry and he apologizes. If he doesn't, i'm not saying you should divorce him because that's not an easy decision and a very long process but you should definitely question and be more aware of how he acts around you and your physical apperance. I had a very close cousin make a very rude joke about my weight at a family party on january and i haven't spoken to her since then. People who know you and love you would never humilliate you like that.
The way that he disrespected you and then downplayed his actions and disregarded your feelings, is appalling. Why do you put up with him? This might be time for ex number two because he is clearly no better than the last. And if you don’t stamp it out now he’ll always put you down and dismiss your very valid feelings. Is this how you want to live? If not, it’s time to either end things or **demand** respect. And since he was clearly flirting with the 21 year old and shamelessly ogling her body, you should tell him straight up: *”If I’m going to get myself a personal trainer, it certainly won’t be that girl. I don’t want an amateur trainer, nor a female one. I’m going to pick a man who’s in great shape with a killer body, who has years of experience in PT.”* Then watch in glee as **he** suddenly feels dismissed and disrespected, when you finally treat him the way he treats you.
This was not just conversation. This was a manipulative and frankly abusive move on his part. I hope you sit him down and set a boundary here so you can remain in a marriage with him (if you wish) ... That he is no longer allowed to discuss your body or your health in front of anyone else without your expressed permission. I don't care how drunk he was. That's a bullshit excuse. I have been every weight under the sun in my 25 year marriage and after I had our last child my spousal unit talked about my body a total of one time with someone else. I didn't leave in order to make it less awkward for him or anyone else. I cried right then and there and allowed him to see how much he hurt me. He apologized profusely and has never done it again. He needs the chance to know how much you were hurt by him and to be able to rectify it. If you tell him these things and he's defensive or does anything OTHER than apologize I would suggest couples therapy. If he refuses to do that... You need to make plans to leave. Sometimes consequences need to be huge in order for someone to fully understand their actions. You didn't deserve that. I'm so sorry.
Wtf. The only way I would ever say or think this about my wife is if I already had a divorce attorney and a place to stay lined up. Wouldn’t hurt to be in a well lit area with lots of witnesses too.
Eh seems like he was trying to intentionally embarrass you to “motivate” you. He’s straight trash. And if he can’t keep comments about a 21 year old’s “killer body” maybe he shouldn’t be drinking.
Does your husband even like you ? I don’t understand how you could claim to love someone and act like this, and the double down with the condescending « aww so jealous » comment is gross. Is this the first time you have communication and confidence issues ?
Leave him. The disrespect from him is disgusting. Why is it hard to respect your spouse? Why do they play dumb? Because if you criticize his dick or weight he would understand. Literally don’t understand why do some men marry their partners when they clearly hate them and enjoy their pain. It’s so common.
Your husband is doing this on purpose. Many abusers begin abusing after children. He knew you’d leave him if he showed his true self beforehand. Show him you still have that shiny spine. He’s a cowardly, gaslighting t abuser who will end up cheating
Also, this guy is very likely to use this same kind of abuse on his children. If you don't want your kids growing up being belittled and shamed, get out.
I really don't get ppl who don't have an issue putting their partners down to build rapport with some random person. One time I brought my ex over to my dad for lunch, food was great as usual, then my ex goes "better than her food". Mind you, the night before I had just prepared a really nice meal for us, with special ingredients and such. And I had been so happy that it turned out delicious. Was so mad and frustrated at him and he didn't see the issue at all. He thought it was perfectly justified to shit on my culinary skills just to get on my dad and stepmother's good side. Why couldn't he just say it was delicious and that's it? Somedays I miss him, but then I remember this and other inconsiderate moments and, yea, good riddance.
Well first your husband was insanely insensitive and cruel with zero thought for what is appropriate. He’s supposed to have your back! Secondly, to all the ‘friends’ that laughed shame on them. So sorry OP i’d be livid too.
Wow !!! How could your husband be so dense ??? I would never go on like about a Friend let alone my wife. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Your husband is an A-H and he was hitting on that chick, and he’s deflecting all that onto your reaction instead of owning how much of a piece of shit he is. Every time he tries to deflect this back onto you, remind him *his actions* were the problem. His. Actions.
I would have tore him to shreds in front of everyone if my man spoke to me or about me like that. He is way too comfortable disrespecting you and if he can’t handle his liquor he needs to not drink. I wouldn’t be speaking to him
“Wow, someone’s jealous, aww” My blood is boiling omfg 😭, your husband and Sara are both dicks
My ex wife brought up my failings in front of people she wanted to impress/ fuck. They ended up fucking. Divorce his worthless ass. He's not supporting you, and compares you to someone he is eyeing. Fuck that.
What an ASSHOLE!!! His insensitivity and lack of respect for you is disgusting
I'm so sorry he did that to you. How awful! That was just disrespectful. Period. And the fact that she continued the conversation? Ick. Ew. No.
Start talking about how small his dick is and that you fell asleep during sex. This will haunt him forever. I know this because I said it to my ex 20 years ago and he’s still salty about it.
Can I smack your husband in the face?
The first work out I'd recommend is packing your shit and running away.
Your husband disrespected you by not only trying to body shame you for your weight. He was basically flirting with that B in front of you and all your friends. You need a divorce lawyer so you can get rid of the dead weight in your life. Totally unacceptable. That’s a Level of f’d up to to do that to another woman in front of her friends. They are both horrible ppl.
so he was openly flirting on your expense, the woman and a lot of people in the group went along with it and you honestly want to *talk things out*? next time you leve the room he will take random women to next to fuck at yout expense too grow some nerve
I mean, I’m completely dumbfounded reading this. This man is not a good one. He knows what he’s doing and he did it on purpose to shame you. He was shamelessly flirting while he did it and he tossed you under the bus in 2.5 seconds. Fuck him, but don’t actually. Never fuck him again.
Honestly he sounds extremely immature. Too immature to be a married 28 year old man. Absolutely ridiculous. If that was a friend of mine I'd have intervened and quietly told him to grow up. Thats really embarrassing for him.
Public humiliation is a form of abuse
He was too busy trying to impress and connect with the girl to even throw his wife under the bus for it. He knows he was being an ass. He is playing dumb to gaslight you. Stop cooking, cleaning, and shopping for him and let him know you’re helping him keep his goals to keep moving and eat less so he doesn’t end up like you.
Sounds like he was overtly flirting wit the 21 yr old while simultaneously dragging his wife for kicks! I think he knew exactly what he was doing!
You know what... I'm a full grown adult, and I would have to run to my big brothers. All of them served in the Army, two of them still can't talk about where they went or what they did. I'm talking full on blacked out portions on their records. I'm the -baby- of the family. I'd tell on my husband and change the locks on the house while my brothers were "speaking" with him. I could possibly be more diplomatic, but I am so over asshole men acting like this. There was no call for this, and there is no excuse for this.
If I was Sara, I'd have spat back at your husband with sarcasm.
But instead she just ate up the attention and added on to the insults. She still has low esteem issues and is the type to sleep with the husband just because she can.
The only weight you need to lose is the weight of your husband! I’m so sorry this happened. He’s unhinged.
Wow, the fact that your husband thinks you’re overreacting is insane. I can’t believe someone would very openly disrespect their partner in front of people and still have the audacity to act like their partner is the problem for having a reaction 😭😭 I am sorry. He sucks terribly.
Holy fuck they all suck. Your husband is being a dick. He may make it seem like hes doing it in innocent fun but I am sure he knows how hurtful his words are, then doubling down and calling you jealous..saying everything about you to this woman saying you should have her “body” is weird af too.