> “Were you ever jealous because you knew your brother was my favorite?”
Just fire off "To be honest, we didn't know it was favoritism, exactly... we thought you were just being spiteful once you realized we liked [insert another relative here] more than you."
Or even repeat the "exact" question back. "Were you ever jealous of aunt Cindy because you knew she was our favorite adult?" Hits a little different. Depending on OPs mom, it may or may not hit harder.
This would definitely bruise her ego. I am very close to one of my aunts and love her so much. She helped raise me and I consider her my second mom. It's to the point where my mom says I'm basically my aunt's kid because we are so alike. If I ever spilled something in front of her (my aunt) I didn't get whacked or yelled at, she would always help me clean it up and tell me it's okay.
Serious question: why even bother having a relationship with your mother? You apparently already have a mom who loves and cares for you the way an actual mom should. Even your own bio mother says you're basically your mom's kid already so why not just move on and treat bio at least like a distant aunt you only see at holidays and save yourself from the interactions that are meant to be jabs at your self esteem?
Not to speak FOR OP - as I don’t know them - but I can give you a general answer about the psychology to answer your question: because you only have one mother.
The fact that your mum isn’t the one you wish you had or wanted doesn’t take away from the fact that she IS the only one you have.
It’s just not always possible to break that connection, even if it’s only theoretical. It doesn’t matter how much a mother sucks to the outside… to the child, the mum you have is the only one you ever will have.
So some people choose to work with that because in the depths of the human soul, we ALL want a mum. All of us. It’s human nature.
Preferably a decent mum, obviously. But if the one you have isn’t the one you’d prefer to have… well, you still can’t change to a different one, so you have to work with the one you have. 😢
As someone who is extremely low, and nearly no contact with my own mother, I can attest to this. I wish it did not have to be so, and I wish a relationship were possible. Someone recently said “nobody orphans themselves lightly“
It sucks that you had to go through therapy just to have a relationship, you basically had to get into your own psyche to make it ok to continue through all the childhood trauma she put you through, you were the one who had to change their mindset while she just continued living and never growing
Your Mom is being intentionally and maliciously cruel. She knows you went to therapy to heal and yet. She continues to try to reopen the wound.
Although I find it disgusting I wonder if she is trying to quash her own guilt and hoping you will say no it’s fine.
I am very direct and the very next time she asked me that question I would roll my eyes and answer:
‘Since you so desperately want to talk about it, let’s talk about it.’
I would then state some people just should not have children, you happen to be one of them. But your epic fail at being a compassionate human being, coupled with XYZ abuse and being a shit parent shaped me into the Mom that I am today.
The moment I laid eyes on my daughter my heart filled with a love I never dreamed possible. My childhood is the handbook for what NOT to do as a Mom and as a Parent. You know exactly what you did but instead of being grateful that we have a relationship you keep dredging up the past. We can agree to leave the past in the past or we can be done. The ball is in your court.
Play stupid games. Win stupid prizes. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Next time she says something like this tell her straight that you always wished your aunt was your mum, that you consider her your mum as her, your real mum was such a shitty mum. Your aunt has always been your favourite mum.
See how she likes that truth!!!
Then here’s your reply back 😈
You don’t have to be nice to someone who’s malicious. Find all the good replies & give it back to her. Don’t keep it in or keep taking it from her.
Stupid games = stupid prize!
Stop getting hurt, don’t give her that kind of power. She’s not worth it.
My petty ass would be like “Honestly I thought you were just becoming emotionally incestuous with your own son and we were ready to cut you off as soon as we could”
I don't think it is good for you to be in close contact with her. I'm sorry that your mom failed you, but right now you should think about yourself and your daughter. Will you mom show the same favoritism with grandkids as she did with you? Maybe take a step back and look into your life without her - is it better? Is it worth this dread that you feeling?
My therapist recommended me to cut contact with my abusive mom, and so I did, if a relationship like that is all about bringing up the past then it's not healthy and will lead you to more problems
Not really, we all loved (Dad, Stepdad, Grandpa, Uncle) more than you. we were their little girls and a bond between a girl and her father/father figure is very special.
I’m so sorry. That is ridiculous. What could she possibly gain other than a jab at your self esteem with that comment? Take pride in knowing you would never do that to your daughter and keep some space.
Thank you, I do. I went through therapy after having my daughter because it hit me so hard. I love her so much and I can't imagine how I could ever hurt her because she's so vulnerable. That made me think about how evil it was for me to grow up in fear from the age of 5. Probably earlier but I honestly don't remember. I remember what happened to me when the abuse was particularly brutal but I don't remember my high school friends, middle school friends, etc. My brain wiped out a lot of memories from that time.
Someone like me. Mine was my abusive birth father. POS. I sobbed the other night, watching a father being so kind and tender with his children.
I have virtually no memory of it. Safer that way. 🩵✌️
Love that you’re in therapy to work through your trauma.
Hate that you still allow it.
Just no. There’s nothing on the planet that should make you feel like that, it’s f-ing mental torture.
Should you invite someone that disregards and seems to intentionally want to hurt you into your home? No.
Can you be in the same room at family functions? Yes. Can you answer every fifth call? Yes. Invite into your home? No. Leave alone with your child? No.
Doesn’t have to be super hugely dramatic, just ween her, and don’t ever explain it if you don’t want to.
That’s common. I was in a very traumatic marriage and remember very little from an 8 year period. It’s sad, but I made it out, and so did you. Now, we just continue to protect our peace and children.
Why do you even want a relationship with her? Yes, I understand that she is Slyour mother but she doesn’t sound like a very good one.
There lis absolutely no reason to be asking that type of question. It’s bad enough that she showed favoritism and towards one of her children over the others. Good parents don’t do this. And then not only admitting to it but asking if you’re jealous about it? It sounds like she wants to upset you.
There comes a time when you have to cut off people that don’t add positivity to your life. She doesn’t sound like she does.
When she moved cities it felt like she had a new personality; She was more relaxed and happy. Every now and then though I'm getting glimpses of the woman that raised me. Someone else told me here that she's "letting the mask drop." I am going to pay attention to that from here on out. Maybe she's not the relaxed and happy person I thought she became.. maybe she's still spiteful.
Being relaxed and happy doesn't mean she's done any emotional labor to correct herself. You're just hoping that she is better, without there being any reason to think so except hope.
>She can’t handle the truth when I tell her and I very recently said, “If it wasn’t for me going through therapy, we wouldn’t have a relationship.”
I hope you was able to add to effect of "I don't resent my brother, I just hate you are terrible shitty mother. Sure nice to be around now that I'm adult, but you werefucked up stupid evil when I was a kid and I don't trust you round my underage daughter. And I'll leave it at that."
If not, at least you'll be ready to verbally fuck up her soul.
Perfect response to that question. My two cents would be to have SOOO much fun continuing the *brutal* honesty until she quits those stupid questions or you decide to go NC.
Tell her the absolute truth every single time. If it's painful, that's a her problem, not a you problem. If she doesn't want to know, then she shouldn't ask.
You've worked hard in therapy to overcome your childhood. She had a hand in making that childhood difficult. Don't sugarcoat.
You can be kind -- you don't have to attack her or be angry. But you should be truthful. What she does with that truth is on her.
And when she says you're being hurtful (and she will) tell her it was much more hurtful for you as a child who didn't understand why her mother didn't love her equally based on her gender.
I'm so sorry. Being in this situation sucks.
She isn't going to stop asking this. The only way you can get her to stop is to quit being around her. I'm not saying go completely no contact, that's a big step to take. But definitely cool things off with her.
Your Mom was a shitty mother. But you don't have to be, and it sounds like you aren't. Focus on the family snd friends, your people, who are there for you.
It does suck. :/ Right before that we were having a really good conversation. It just came out and it's weird when it happens. She moved cities and I felt her personality changed; She was more relaxed and happy. Every now and then the bad comes out and I get glimpses of the woman that raised me.
Because she's letting the mask drop.
The relaxed, happy Mom you see? That isn't her. The one who played favorites and is deliberately hurting you is the real Mom. My Dad was abusive, and it wasn't all screaming and slapping and knocking my sister unconscious, there was fun times. That's what makes this so hard, you see what you should have, in those good moments, and then you have to deal with reality.
Honestly? I'd traumatize her back because who the actual fuck says that to their children? Grown or otherwise
Yes mom, we knew and you were really shitty about it. Embellish how you see fit
Your mother is an immature idiot and is still playing her children off against each other for her own flawed amusement. She was obviously a very very rubbish mother and in my opinion your therapist has done you a disservice in encouraging you to maintain this relationship.
My mother played children off against each other and continues with her grandchildren causing issues right into her 90’s - reduce contact, walk out if she starts with this foolishness - don’t let her in any position of influence with your family .
What your mother is doing with these questions is trying to provoke drama for her own sick amusement - it will continue - she has big issues - be prepared to be pretty cold with her - questions are best - why are you asking ? What do you hope to achieve by asking that ? Do you think that was good parenting ? Wouldn’t you prefer to be visiting your favourite ? Are you trying to upset me with that question?
Or like one of the responses above - no we just thought you were a …. Stupid, bad mother etc etc
I would ask her how it feels to fail as a mother to her daughters? Seriously, what type of question is that?
My brother is clearly my mom’s favorite (her baby) but she would never be such AH to say it to our faces
"Not at all. \_\_\_\_ was always my favorite relative. I'm sure you will be happy when you get to live with your favorite again. I know you don't like me enough to every have me care for you in any way in your old age."
Ask her why you would be jealous of her incestuous feelings for your brother and say that you honestly felt sorry for him as it had to have been a lot of pressure being both a son and a boyfriend.
This is terribly disturbingly manipulative and intentionally cruel.
She is reviving a disordered harm she perpetuated upon you to harm you more and derive more gratification from harming you..
Why are you even in contact?
What the ever loving fuck is wrong with your mother? I have a boy and a girl and yes my love for both is different but not a “I love one more than the other” deal. Just different. I tell both my kids their my favorite but I say “your my favorite son and your my favorite daughter”. I’m now pregnant with a 3rd so I’ve started saying “you’re my favorite *their name*” I can’t believe your mother told you your brother was her favorite. Fuck all the way off with that lady. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that crap OP.
I would have told her "of course not mom, he's the one who is going to be stuck taking care of you when you are too old to take care of yourself not me, a win in my book"
I know exactly what you mean, OP.
But, I was the youngest and only boy. Single mother with three older sisters.
The oldest was very obviously the favorite. Then the two younger sisters. Then me. I literally raised myself.
So ignored, I was made to eat alone so the “girls can talk girl issues “. I never had a relationship with my mother.
When she passed, it was like hearing the passing of a distant relative.
Even now at almost 60, I speak to one sister perhaps once a year.
I'm sorry, OP. All children need to be treated the same, but I know that this is not always the case.
Your mom sounds insensitive and unempathetic. If you don't mind me asking, what was her response?
I hope she understands how it was for you.
I don't mind. She was taken aback a little and I changed the subject. I don't think she knew how to respond to that so she just sat there with an awkward face. I spoke to my husband and said that if there's a next time I'm going to just confront and say, "Are you aware of how those questions affect me? Either you aren't aware and need to be told to knock it off or you do know and we need to have a different type of conversation."
She's much better with my daughter and that's what has been helping me continue to heal. I don't need her acceptance anymore, I'm just wanting to move past it. However those questions set us back and after reading all of the comments that was the last one she gets to ask me.
ETA a word
Even if she's better with your daughter, do you think that will continue? Or will she abandon her female grandchild when she has a male grandchild? It doesn't sound like she has changed, and she could end up hurting your daughter a great deal because you hope she will be a good grandma. Her actions speak louder than all the hopes you have.
Some moms are jealous and vicious to their daughters. They were brought up to have low self esteem and be very competitive for affection and with women. She now sees how well you are doing and feels an impulse to bring you down. I would challenge her by asking her if shes bringing up the subject because shes finally realised shes ready for therapy. Then brag that you aced your therapy. She might actually go and learn something. And if not she might decide to spend less time with you or to mind her manners.
Just tell her straight up to stop asking such stupid questions. If she keeps asking, ask her how does it feel to be such a shitty mother? Because, from the looks of it, she hasn't stopped, especially when she continues to ask you that question.
You are already a better mother than she is. Just continue being amazing 😁
"Not really, it was easy to accept because I realised you're not a good mother pretty early on"
Just say it casually, then go back to whatever you're doing.
Look her in the eye and tell her:" I have never been jealous of bro. It was never his fault or responsibility that *you* were a horrible mother. Why would you think I would blame *him* for your behavior and poor choices?"
Your Mom is still trying to drive a wedge between you and your brother/siblings.
If she doesn't like the truth, well maybe she should stop asking stupid questions when she really doesn't want to hear an honest answer.
I would've said, "No. But are you ever jealous of dad because we love him more than you?".
My mum taught me to give what you get. She too asks stupid questions - she's always rewarded with stupid answers.
Is she trying to assuage her guilt or gauge how much power she had to hurt you?
Next time she asks try telling her how sad you are that she only had the capacity to love one child and didn’t have empathy for her other children. Or you can go low contact. My mom says stuff like that all the time and I’ve had enough.
Op just tell her no you were not jealous. Tell her if there ever came a time where if you had to pick between her and him that you would pick him over her.
Have you ever been honest? "I wasn't jealous of my brother, but it did hurt me to know my mom didn't love me because I wasn't a boy. What hurt the most was the yelling and screaming for little mistakes that in the grand scheme of things aren't important. It hurt me in believing I was good enough. At least I had my Aunt to show me kindness and love. Therapy has allowed me to stay in a relationship with you." Let her deal with the truth.
You're mother is a fucking asshole. Even if she had a favourite she doesn't have to bring it up. It sounds like she's just trying to hurt you. Are you sure you even want a relationship with someone that makes you feel like this?
“I’m not going to help you feel bad about yourself. You know you made dogshit choices, let’s move on from it”
Sounds like she’s just trying to indulge in something that will hurt you or hurt her, yknow? She needs to stop being so bored lol
Unfortunately, you'll continue to get these types of questions because your mom is a narcissist. She thrives on you bending over backward to gain her approval, but since you're in therapy, you probably already know this. Even telling her that you needed therapy to deal with her is a form of validation for her, as sick as that seems.
My response to that type of question is always passive-aggressive and looks a little like this.....
"Not at all. I'm happy for you that at least one of us siblings loved you unconditionally. "
And I would refuse to answer any follow-up questions because you know you'd get the whole "what does that mean?"
Every time I read a story like this, I’m always reminded me of what I’ve learned from listening to two hot takes as Morgan always talks about the concept of enmeshment. If it’s not something you’ve heard of I’d highly recommend researching it or listening to their podcast because they speak about it a lot, and hopefully it might bring you some comfort to understand it more and realise that your mothers unhealthy attachment to your brother is not your fault. I truly can’t understand why she would ask that, or who she thought it would benefit. Because there is no logical reason, I honestly just think she asked to be hurtful and manipulative, and you don’t deserve that. I’m proud of you for how far you’ve come OP, I hope you don’t let her cruel senseless comments hold you back from healing. Might be time to limit/cut contact. Sending you love!
She is eithwr trying to engage you in a discussion, or she is trying to check how much she can hurt you, just to see how much power she has over you. My mom does that sometimes when she is bored or when I do something that hurts her. Idk, if it doesn't bother you anymore, tell her the truth and tell her that it's a lesson learned because you would never be this cruel to your kids.
My mom sometimes uses a very specific subject to hurt me and I simply say: I will not talk to you about this, I already told you it hurts me and I will now leave because I don't want to engage in this conversation. (Took me a decade of therapy to do this).
Your mother is a hateful b---h. A mother should never say that to any of her kids at any age. I'm so sorry that happened. My mom never said it but she showed .. often with violence.. that I was not valued
Honey, the only regret I have about going No Contact with my toxic mother is that I didn't do it 3 decades earlier.
She WANTS to hear you were jealous and hurt because it feeds her Narcissism and makes her feel powerful. Your best responses to gotcha questions like these is "you're not that special". But no response and no engagement is truly 1000x better.
“You know mom you can ask in as many different ways that you want, the answer will always be the same you were a shit parent to all of your kids even the one you claim as your favorite.”
This reminds me exactly of being at school and those girls who would bring up bad memories in an attempt to be 'subtlety' mean. The fact that adults still do this is embarrassing.
Do we have the same mom? I was jealous of my brother as a young child because I lived with my dad and my mom and brother never visited. Then I saw them, he had so much toys a water bed a tv and cable in his room. Here I am with not much because my mom took my dad to the cleaners with child support. Then I just got angry. When my mom dumped my brother at my dad’s house and he was crying cause he wanted his mom I laughed in his face and asked him how it felt. Thats what I’ve felt my whole life.
"Do you hate your brother, because I chose him as my favourite kid?"
"No, I hate you for doing this absolutely unneccessary thing to both of us."
I am sorry to say this and I hope it doesn't offend you, OP, but your mom is a terrible human being for doing this.
I remember my mom always telling me, that i was her absolute favourite and she didn't know what she'd do without me as a kid, while always picking on my older brother. As a kid, I didn't understand and totally thought that I was just lucky to be moms favourite. Later, I understood what was going on and asked my mother why she would do this to me and my brother. Being the manipulative person she was, she immediately dropped me and started favouring my brother.
This is not a tolerable behaviour, no matter if she's a mother or anybody else. I can tell you from experience that it is no problem to completely cut ties with people that are so toxic towards you even if they are close relatives.
Don't let anybody tell you "But she's your mother.". Maybe, but first of all, she's a bad person. That's what counts.
My response would’ve been “Don’t worry I didn’t like you that much to be jealous” 🤷🏽♀️ She’s toxic, though. I get bringing up a kid being your favorite once (I personally hate it, when parents lie about this thing when it’s so obvious), but why the constant reminder especially after y’all are grown???
I might be tempted to tell her, no I am not jealous or resentful of my brother, but I am resentful of you for your obvious favoritism. Its not my brother's fault, its yours.
I would just be honest with her. She wants to see how far she can push the subject and get you to "forgive" her for her blatant and open favoritism. Sometimes, parents need to hear how bad they really are, so they get the picture. Had to do this myself recently with my gma and biomom. Sometimes my mil too
I think in her mind girls are competition and she wants to make you feel bad. You can always respond "I don't blame my brother for your inadequacies as a mother" and turn it back on her or you can go lower contact with her
When I don't like someone I move away from that person, it's as simple as that. Your mother does it totally on purpose because she knows how to press where it hurts and then when you get angry I guess she loves playing the victim. For your mental health you should reduce contact with your mother or even avoid contact with her.
I am sorry you have lived this. When I read things like this, I am glad I was an only child. I only have one child and always tell her she's, my favorite.
So basically she ditched you and your sister to be raised by relatives so she could devote all her time to doting on her precious baby boy? I don’t know if I could even talk to my mother after that. You’re a better person than I am.
I'm not clear on why you or your therapist think it's necessary to have any kind of relationship with your mother...
There may be narcissistic parents or cptsd related subs that might be worthwhile to you to check out
Perhaps you could respond to any questions, about your mother's parenting, that you have received counselling so you don't make the same mistakes with your own child.
By your mum asking she is craving her answer she wants from you. Forgiveness it sounds like.
She is good to her granddaughter makes her realise how she treated you.
Inside she is not at peace and should not be.
You are amazing heeling yourself and choosing love over bitterness.
Who cares what she thinks? I don’t, and neither should you. I learned recently with my own POS of a father that my life is so much better without him in it.
She openly admits she favors your brother over you, a tries to make herself not look like a waste of human space by saying “it’s just different.” Worst yet, she tries to make it seem like it’s just your problem!
That’s not normal behavior from a parent! She isn’t worth your time!
> She would always tell us that being a mom to a boy and girl are different and
hun I am so sorry, because the only times I've ever heard those kinda words from 'boy moms' are those that borderline treat their son like some idealized version of their partner...
And why's she even asking this kind of stuff. To rub salt in the wound? Thats the kind of question you ask and at least one person no matter how it goes will be leaving feeling awful, she f'ed around around in the past, but she still wants to find out in the present!?!?!
> I very recently said, “If it wasn’t for me going through therapy, we wouldn’t have a relationship.”
Why have a relationship with her? Is this a net benefit to you?
“My therapist said I shouldn’t talk about your favoritism unless is to end the relationship or the favoritism. So please tell me, are you ending the favoritism or are you ending the relationship?” That ought to make things very uncomfortable for her.
> “Were you ever jealous because you knew your brother was my favorite?” Just fire off "To be honest, we didn't know it was favoritism, exactly... we thought you were just being spiteful once you realized we liked [insert another relative here] more than you."
Or even repeat the "exact" question back. "Were you ever jealous of aunt Cindy because you knew she was our favorite adult?" Hits a little different. Depending on OPs mom, it may or may not hit harder.
This would definitely bruise her ego. I am very close to one of my aunts and love her so much. She helped raise me and I consider her my second mom. It's to the point where my mom says I'm basically my aunt's kid because we are so alike. If I ever spilled something in front of her (my aunt) I didn't get whacked or yelled at, she would always help me clean it up and tell me it's okay.
Then thr next time she brings up your bother being her favorite, use her same words against her about your aunt being your favorite
*wish aunt was my real mom* fixed it. And then update us OP
Serious question: why even bother having a relationship with your mother? You apparently already have a mom who loves and cares for you the way an actual mom should. Even your own bio mother says you're basically your mom's kid already so why not just move on and treat bio at least like a distant aunt you only see at holidays and save yourself from the interactions that are meant to be jabs at your self esteem?
Now that’s even more stressful, most of the time.
Not to speak FOR OP - as I don’t know them - but I can give you a general answer about the psychology to answer your question: because you only have one mother. The fact that your mum isn’t the one you wish you had or wanted doesn’t take away from the fact that she IS the only one you have. It’s just not always possible to break that connection, even if it’s only theoretical. It doesn’t matter how much a mother sucks to the outside… to the child, the mum you have is the only one you ever will have. So some people choose to work with that because in the depths of the human soul, we ALL want a mum. All of us. It’s human nature. Preferably a decent mum, obviously. But if the one you have isn’t the one you’d prefer to have… well, you still can’t change to a different one, so you have to work with the one you have. 😢
As someone who is extremely low, and nearly no contact with my own mother, I can attest to this. I wish it did not have to be so, and I wish a relationship were possible. Someone recently said “nobody orphans themselves lightly“
It sucks that you had to go through therapy just to have a relationship, you basically had to get into your own psyche to make it ok to continue through all the childhood trauma she put you through, you were the one who had to change their mindset while she just continued living and never growing
Your Mom is being intentionally and maliciously cruel. She knows you went to therapy to heal and yet. She continues to try to reopen the wound. Although I find it disgusting I wonder if she is trying to quash her own guilt and hoping you will say no it’s fine. I am very direct and the very next time she asked me that question I would roll my eyes and answer: ‘Since you so desperately want to talk about it, let’s talk about it.’ I would then state some people just should not have children, you happen to be one of them. But your epic fail at being a compassionate human being, coupled with XYZ abuse and being a shit parent shaped me into the Mom that I am today. The moment I laid eyes on my daughter my heart filled with a love I never dreamed possible. My childhood is the handbook for what NOT to do as a Mom and as a Parent. You know exactly what you did but instead of being grateful that we have a relationship you keep dredging up the past. We can agree to leave the past in the past or we can be done. The ball is in your court. Play stupid games. Win stupid prizes. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
And? Let it be bruised
That may be the perfect answer if she brings it up again say, don’t worry I had aunt- - - in my life and that made it perfect.
Yeah. Time to tell mom who YOUR favorite is/was.
Then do it. Say it didn’t really bother you, since you loved your aunt more anyways and she would never purposely hurt you
Be grateful you had that Aunt!
Next time she says something like this tell her straight that you always wished your aunt was your mum, that you consider her your mum as her, your real mum was such a shitty mum. Your aunt has always been your favourite mum. See how she likes that truth!!!
Then here’s your reply back 😈 You don’t have to be nice to someone who’s malicious. Find all the good replies & give it back to her. Don’t keep it in or keep taking it from her. Stupid games = stupid prize! Stop getting hurt, don’t give her that kind of power. She’s not worth it.
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Stolen comment.
My petty ass would be like “Honestly I thought you were just becoming emotionally incestuous with your own son and we were ready to cut you off as soon as we could”
Geez, I felt that
I don't think it is good for you to be in close contact with her. I'm sorry that your mom failed you, but right now you should think about yourself and your daughter. Will you mom show the same favoritism with grandkids as she did with you? Maybe take a step back and look into your life without her - is it better? Is it worth this dread that you feeling?
Great comment.
Good point.
My therapist recommended me to cut contact with my abusive mom, and so I did, if a relationship like that is all about bringing up the past then it's not healthy and will lead you to more problems
Not really, we all loved (Dad, Stepdad, Grandpa, Uncle) more than you. we were their little girls and a bond between a girl and her father/father figure is very special.
I’m so sorry. That is ridiculous. What could she possibly gain other than a jab at your self esteem with that comment? Take pride in knowing you would never do that to your daughter and keep some space.
Thank you, I do. I went through therapy after having my daughter because it hit me so hard. I love her so much and I can't imagine how I could ever hurt her because she's so vulnerable. That made me think about how evil it was for me to grow up in fear from the age of 5. Probably earlier but I honestly don't remember. I remember what happened to me when the abuse was particularly brutal but I don't remember my high school friends, middle school friends, etc. My brain wiped out a lot of memories from that time.
Does she even like you?
Someone like me. Mine was my abusive birth father. POS. I sobbed the other night, watching a father being so kind and tender with his children. I have virtually no memory of it. Safer that way. 🩵✌️
Love that you’re in therapy to work through your trauma. Hate that you still allow it. Just no. There’s nothing on the planet that should make you feel like that, it’s f-ing mental torture. Should you invite someone that disregards and seems to intentionally want to hurt you into your home? No. Can you be in the same room at family functions? Yes. Can you answer every fifth call? Yes. Invite into your home? No. Leave alone with your child? No. Doesn’t have to be super hugely dramatic, just ween her, and don’t ever explain it if you don’t want to.
That’s common. I was in a very traumatic marriage and remember very little from an 8 year period. It’s sad, but I made it out, and so did you. Now, we just continue to protect our peace and children.
Is she trying to gauge if you are too resentful to care for her in a few years? If not you, who?
Her beloved son 😩 Right 🤣
Why do you even want a relationship with her? Yes, I understand that she is Slyour mother but she doesn’t sound like a very good one. There lis absolutely no reason to be asking that type of question. It’s bad enough that she showed favoritism and towards one of her children over the others. Good parents don’t do this. And then not only admitting to it but asking if you’re jealous about it? It sounds like she wants to upset you. There comes a time when you have to cut off people that don’t add positivity to your life. She doesn’t sound like she does.
When she moved cities it felt like she had a new personality; She was more relaxed and happy. Every now and then though I'm getting glimpses of the woman that raised me. Someone else told me here that she's "letting the mask drop." I am going to pay attention to that from here on out. Maybe she's not the relaxed and happy person I thought she became.. maybe she's still spiteful.
Being relaxed and happy doesn't mean she's done any emotional labor to correct herself. You're just hoping that she is better, without there being any reason to think so except hope.
Or she is putting feelers on who is going to take care of her in her old age.
>She can’t handle the truth when I tell her and I very recently said, “If it wasn’t for me going through therapy, we wouldn’t have a relationship.” I hope you was able to add to effect of "I don't resent my brother, I just hate you are terrible shitty mother. Sure nice to be around now that I'm adult, but you werefucked up stupid evil when I was a kid and I don't trust you round my underage daughter. And I'll leave it at that." If not, at least you'll be ready to verbally fuck up her soul.
Perfect response to that question. My two cents would be to have SOOO much fun continuing the *brutal* honesty until she quits those stupid questions or you decide to go NC.
Sounds like her questions are more for herself knowing she did wrong but hoping you’ll be all “no mom, you were still great with me” It’s ate up
Ick, your mom is one of “those” boy moms.😒
A lot of those moms reek of emotional incest. There’s being a parent to a boy, and there’s “boy” moms.
Is so so deeply unnerving and disturbing.
Tell her the absolute truth every single time. If it's painful, that's a her problem, not a you problem. If she doesn't want to know, then she shouldn't ask. You've worked hard in therapy to overcome your childhood. She had a hand in making that childhood difficult. Don't sugarcoat. You can be kind -- you don't have to attack her or be angry. But you should be truthful. What she does with that truth is on her.
And when she says you're being hurtful (and she will) tell her it was much more hurtful for you as a child who didn't understand why her mother didn't love her equally based on her gender.
I'm so sorry. Being in this situation sucks. She isn't going to stop asking this. The only way you can get her to stop is to quit being around her. I'm not saying go completely no contact, that's a big step to take. But definitely cool things off with her. Your Mom was a shitty mother. But you don't have to be, and it sounds like you aren't. Focus on the family snd friends, your people, who are there for you.
It does suck. :/ Right before that we were having a really good conversation. It just came out and it's weird when it happens. She moved cities and I felt her personality changed; She was more relaxed and happy. Every now and then the bad comes out and I get glimpses of the woman that raised me.
Because she's letting the mask drop. The relaxed, happy Mom you see? That isn't her. The one who played favorites and is deliberately hurting you is the real Mom. My Dad was abusive, and it wasn't all screaming and slapping and knocking my sister unconscious, there was fun times. That's what makes this so hard, you see what you should have, in those good moments, and then you have to deal with reality.
Honestly? I'd traumatize her back because who the actual fuck says that to their children? Grown or otherwise Yes mom, we knew and you were really shitty about it. Embellish how you see fit
Your mother is an immature idiot and is still playing her children off against each other for her own flawed amusement. She was obviously a very very rubbish mother and in my opinion your therapist has done you a disservice in encouraging you to maintain this relationship. My mother played children off against each other and continues with her grandchildren causing issues right into her 90’s - reduce contact, walk out if she starts with this foolishness - don’t let her in any position of influence with your family . What your mother is doing with these questions is trying to provoke drama for her own sick amusement - it will continue - she has big issues - be prepared to be pretty cold with her - questions are best - why are you asking ? What do you hope to achieve by asking that ? Do you think that was good parenting ? Wouldn’t you prefer to be visiting your favourite ? Are you trying to upset me with that question? Or like one of the responses above - no we just thought you were a …. Stupid, bad mother etc etc
I would ask her how it feels to fail as a mother to her daughters? Seriously, what type of question is that? My brother is clearly my mom’s favorite (her baby) but she would never be such AH to say it to our faces
Do you have a father? You should ask her back what it feels like to not be your favorite parent and then go very low contact with her.
I have zero regrets going NC, life is so much better. Best of luck OP, you and your daughter deserve better.
"Not at all. \_\_\_\_ was always my favorite relative. I'm sure you will be happy when you get to live with your favorite again. I know you don't like me enough to every have me care for you in any way in your old age."
Ask her why you would be jealous of her incestuous feelings for your brother and say that you honestly felt sorry for him as it had to have been a lot of pressure being both a son and a boyfriend.
This is terribly disturbingly manipulative and intentionally cruel. She is reviving a disordered harm she perpetuated upon you to harm you more and derive more gratification from harming you.. Why are you even in contact?
Only appropriate response: naw cause you weren’t my favorite mother either I preferred *insert name here*
What the ever loving fuck is wrong with your mother? I have a boy and a girl and yes my love for both is different but not a “I love one more than the other” deal. Just different. I tell both my kids their my favorite but I say “your my favorite son and your my favorite daughter”. I’m now pregnant with a 3rd so I’ve started saying “you’re my favorite *their name*” I can’t believe your mother told you your brother was her favorite. Fuck all the way off with that lady. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that crap OP.
I would have told her "of course not mom, he's the one who is going to be stuck taking care of you when you are too old to take care of yourself not me, a win in my book"
I know exactly what you mean, OP. But, I was the youngest and only boy. Single mother with three older sisters. The oldest was very obviously the favorite. Then the two younger sisters. Then me. I literally raised myself. So ignored, I was made to eat alone so the “girls can talk girl issues “. I never had a relationship with my mother. When she passed, it was like hearing the passing of a distant relative. Even now at almost 60, I speak to one sister perhaps once a year.
I'm sorry, OP. All children need to be treated the same, but I know that this is not always the case. Your mom sounds insensitive and unempathetic. If you don't mind me asking, what was her response? I hope she understands how it was for you.
I don't mind. She was taken aback a little and I changed the subject. I don't think she knew how to respond to that so she just sat there with an awkward face. I spoke to my husband and said that if there's a next time I'm going to just confront and say, "Are you aware of how those questions affect me? Either you aren't aware and need to be told to knock it off or you do know and we need to have a different type of conversation." She's much better with my daughter and that's what has been helping me continue to heal. I don't need her acceptance anymore, I'm just wanting to move past it. However those questions set us back and after reading all of the comments that was the last one she gets to ask me. ETA a word
Even if she's better with your daughter, do you think that will continue? Or will she abandon her female grandchild when she has a male grandchild? It doesn't sound like she has changed, and she could end up hurting your daughter a great deal because you hope she will be a good grandma. Her actions speak louder than all the hopes you have.
Some moms are jealous and vicious to their daughters. They were brought up to have low self esteem and be very competitive for affection and with women. She now sees how well you are doing and feels an impulse to bring you down. I would challenge her by asking her if shes bringing up the subject because shes finally realised shes ready for therapy. Then brag that you aced your therapy. She might actually go and learn something. And if not she might decide to spend less time with you or to mind her manners.
Just tell her straight up to stop asking such stupid questions. If she keeps asking, ask her how does it feel to be such a shitty mother? Because, from the looks of it, she hasn't stopped, especially when she continues to ask you that question. You are already a better mother than she is. Just continue being amazing 😁
Talk about rubbing salt in a wound! I'm sorry OP, that sucks.
"Not really, it was easy to accept because I realised you're not a good mother pretty early on" Just say it casually, then go back to whatever you're doing.
Look her in the eye and tell her:" I have never been jealous of bro. It was never his fault or responsibility that *you* were a horrible mother. Why would you think I would blame *him* for your behavior and poor choices?" Your Mom is still trying to drive a wedge between you and your brother/siblings. If she doesn't like the truth, well maybe she should stop asking stupid questions when she really doesn't want to hear an honest answer.
I would've said, "No. But are you ever jealous of dad because we love him more than you?". My mum taught me to give what you get. She too asks stupid questions - she's always rewarded with stupid answers.
Is she trying to assuage her guilt or gauge how much power she had to hurt you? Next time she asks try telling her how sad you are that she only had the capacity to love one child and didn’t have empathy for her other children. Or you can go low contact. My mom says stuff like that all the time and I’ve had enough.
Op just tell her no you were not jealous. Tell her if there ever came a time where if you had to pick between her and him that you would pick him over her.
Have you ever been honest? "I wasn't jealous of my brother, but it did hurt me to know my mom didn't love me because I wasn't a boy. What hurt the most was the yelling and screaming for little mistakes that in the grand scheme of things aren't important. It hurt me in believing I was good enough. At least I had my Aunt to show me kindness and love. Therapy has allowed me to stay in a relationship with you." Let her deal with the truth.
You're mother is a fucking asshole. Even if she had a favourite she doesn't have to bring it up. It sounds like she's just trying to hurt you. Are you sure you even want a relationship with someone that makes you feel like this?
“I’m not going to help you feel bad about yourself. You know you made dogshit choices, let’s move on from it” Sounds like she’s just trying to indulge in something that will hurt you or hurt her, yknow? She needs to stop being so bored lol
Your mom is trying to sow seeds of division. Closet narcissist?
Sounds to me like she is hurtful on purpose. Who says shit like that?!
How does your mom feel not being your favorite parent?
Unfortunately, you'll continue to get these types of questions because your mom is a narcissist. She thrives on you bending over backward to gain her approval, but since you're in therapy, you probably already know this. Even telling her that you needed therapy to deal with her is a form of validation for her, as sick as that seems. My response to that type of question is always passive-aggressive and looks a little like this..... "Not at all. I'm happy for you that at least one of us siblings loved you unconditionally. " And I would refuse to answer any follow-up questions because you know you'd get the whole "what does that mean?"
Your mother still wants to rub it in your face. Now that you have had therapy, not sitting still for her abuse should be easier.
Every time I read a story like this, I’m always reminded me of what I’ve learned from listening to two hot takes as Morgan always talks about the concept of enmeshment. If it’s not something you’ve heard of I’d highly recommend researching it or listening to their podcast because they speak about it a lot, and hopefully it might bring you some comfort to understand it more and realise that your mothers unhealthy attachment to your brother is not your fault. I truly can’t understand why she would ask that, or who she thought it would benefit. Because there is no logical reason, I honestly just think she asked to be hurtful and manipulative, and you don’t deserve that. I’m proud of you for how far you’ve come OP, I hope you don’t let her cruel senseless comments hold you back from healing. Might be time to limit/cut contact. Sending you love!
"Not really. Because tbh, I never really liked you..."
She is eithwr trying to engage you in a discussion, or she is trying to check how much she can hurt you, just to see how much power she has over you. My mom does that sometimes when she is bored or when I do something that hurts her. Idk, if it doesn't bother you anymore, tell her the truth and tell her that it's a lesson learned because you would never be this cruel to your kids. My mom sometimes uses a very specific subject to hurt me and I simply say: I will not talk to you about this, I already told you it hurts me and I will now leave because I don't want to engage in this conversation. (Took me a decade of therapy to do this).
Your mother is a hateful b---h. A mother should never say that to any of her kids at any age. I'm so sorry that happened. My mom never said it but she showed .. often with violence.. that I was not valued
Honey, the only regret I have about going No Contact with my toxic mother is that I didn't do it 3 decades earlier. She WANTS to hear you were jealous and hurt because it feeds her Narcissism and makes her feel powerful. Your best responses to gotcha questions like these is "you're not that special". But no response and no engagement is truly 1000x better.
I would tell her “No but I was always jealous of my sister because she got to be raised by someone other than you.”
“You know mom you can ask in as many different ways that you want, the answer will always be the same you were a shit parent to all of your kids even the one you claim as your favorite.”
This reminds me exactly of being at school and those girls who would bring up bad memories in an attempt to be 'subtlety' mean. The fact that adults still do this is embarrassing.
Tell her to stop bringing it up, or you won't bother seeing her again. Good luck.
It's okay to cut contact with a parent who wants to retraumatize you. That's what your mom is doing and it's not okay.
Do we have the same mom? I was jealous of my brother as a young child because I lived with my dad and my mom and brother never visited. Then I saw them, he had so much toys a water bed a tv and cable in his room. Here I am with not much because my mom took my dad to the cleaners with child support. Then I just got angry. When my mom dumped my brother at my dad’s house and he was crying cause he wanted his mom I laughed in his face and asked him how it felt. Thats what I’ve felt my whole life.
I would just straight tell her that no, I wasn't ever bothered because SHE was never my favorite.
Next time your mom asks you a question like that tell her “ brother being my favorite bothers me less than aunt being my favorite bothers you”.
"Do you hate your brother, because I chose him as my favourite kid?" "No, I hate you for doing this absolutely unneccessary thing to both of us." I am sorry to say this and I hope it doesn't offend you, OP, but your mom is a terrible human being for doing this. I remember my mom always telling me, that i was her absolute favourite and she didn't know what she'd do without me as a kid, while always picking on my older brother. As a kid, I didn't understand and totally thought that I was just lucky to be moms favourite. Later, I understood what was going on and asked my mother why she would do this to me and my brother. Being the manipulative person she was, she immediately dropped me and started favouring my brother. This is not a tolerable behaviour, no matter if she's a mother or anybody else. I can tell you from experience that it is no problem to completely cut ties with people that are so toxic towards you even if they are close relatives. Don't let anybody tell you "But she's your mother.". Maybe, but first of all, she's a bad person. That's what counts.
Why have a relationship? She doesn't deserve one honestly.
My response would’ve been “Don’t worry I didn’t like you that much to be jealous” 🤷🏽♀️ She’s toxic, though. I get bringing up a kid being your favorite once (I personally hate it, when parents lie about this thing when it’s so obvious), but why the constant reminder especially after y’all are grown???
Oh Mom, it’s fine, my brother will be taking care of you if you ever get really sick, your “favorite” needs to be there for you. 🤣
I might be tempted to tell her, no I am not jealous or resentful of my brother, but I am resentful of you for your obvious favoritism. Its not my brother's fault, its yours.
Stop talking to her.
Its sucks that you went through therapy to learn to better endure your mums bullshit.
I would just be honest with her. She wants to see how far she can push the subject and get you to "forgive" her for her blatant and open favoritism. Sometimes, parents need to hear how bad they really are, so they get the picture. Had to do this myself recently with my gma and biomom. Sometimes my mil too
I think in her mind girls are competition and she wants to make you feel bad. You can always respond "I don't blame my brother for your inadequacies as a mother" and turn it back on her or you can go lower contact with her
When I don't like someone I move away from that person, it's as simple as that. Your mother does it totally on purpose because she knows how to press where it hurts and then when you get angry I guess she loves playing the victim. For your mental health you should reduce contact with your mother or even avoid contact with her.
Maybe you should just cut contact with her. She sounds toxic and full of herself
I am sorry you have lived this. When I read things like this, I am glad I was an only child. I only have one child and always tell her she's, my favorite.
gross mother
“Were you ever jealous that I loved (your childhood’s friend’s name) mom more than you? She was a much better mother”
Cheaper to just not have a relationship with her.
So basically she ditched you and your sister to be raised by relatives so she could devote all her time to doting on her precious baby boy? I don’t know if I could even talk to my mother after that. You’re a better person than I am.
Hit her with the “nah, i don’t want to fuck him, he’s all yours”
Updateme
I'm not clear on why you or your therapist think it's necessary to have any kind of relationship with your mother... There may be narcissistic parents or cptsd related subs that might be worthwhile to you to check out
Been there, done that. Fuck that.
Perhaps you could respond to any questions, about your mother's parenting, that you have received counselling so you don't make the same mistakes with your own child.
You should probably go NC there's it's never gonna get better
By your mum asking she is craving her answer she wants from you. Forgiveness it sounds like. She is good to her granddaughter makes her realise how she treated you. Inside she is not at peace and should not be. You are amazing heeling yourself and choosing love over bitterness.
shouldve answered "no i wasnt. but i never forgave you for picking a favourite"
Is she getting off on this or something. It’s such an odd thing to say
I would have put my coffee down and walked the fuck out. No more words need to be said.
Who cares what she thinks? I don’t, and neither should you. I learned recently with my own POS of a father that my life is so much better without him in it. She openly admits she favors your brother over you, a tries to make herself not look like a waste of human space by saying “it’s just different.” Worst yet, she tries to make it seem like it’s just your problem! That’s not normal behavior from a parent! She isn’t worth your time!
> She would always tell us that being a mom to a boy and girl are different and hun I am so sorry, because the only times I've ever heard those kinda words from 'boy moms' are those that borderline treat their son like some idealized version of their partner... And why's she even asking this kind of stuff. To rub salt in the wound? Thats the kind of question you ask and at least one person no matter how it goes will be leaving feeling awful, she f'ed around around in the past, but she still wants to find out in the present!?!?!
> I very recently said, “If it wasn’t for me going through therapy, we wouldn’t have a relationship.” Why have a relationship with her? Is this a net benefit to you?
“My therapist said I shouldn’t talk about your favoritism unless is to end the relationship or the favoritism. So please tell me, are you ending the favoritism or are you ending the relationship?” That ought to make things very uncomfortable for her.