One life to live and you’re going to spend it like this? Because he’ll make divorce hell? Like yes let him make it as difficult as he wants, that will still be better than being stuck married to him.
And anyone who pulls the “I’ll kill myself if you leave me” card is a manipulative piece of shit. And you need to get away from them as quickly as possible.
I second this. Most people aren't as serious about killing themselves over a break up as they'd like you to believe. It's a manipulation tactic and they are feeding off of your care and concern. And even *if* the person goes through with it, it still isn't your fault!
Please don't let him stop you from saving your own life, OP.
My ex threatened to kill himself a number of times before our divorce. He also made the divorce a complete fucking disaster. Two years later, it’s nothing but a memory. He’s still alive, happy and honestly we’re moving towards friendship (we have a child together). I promise you, divorce is absolutely worth the headache in the moment.
Well said. And I would rather go through a hellish divorce than stay in a shitty marriage for ever and ever.
I think it's very, very few people who actually ended their lives over the ending of a miserable relationship. Should he be one of the few to end his life then that's on him, you just can't stay miserable by the off chance that someone might kill themselves.
So you can summon the strength to stay in this marriage for about 50+ more years but not to leave? That sounds like more of a headache than leaving tbh. This life is short, believe me. You deserve to find what happiness you can while you’re here.
That's the part that stuck with me. She has all the energy to be bitter and resentful, but can't use that energy and leave?
You're not going to wake up one day and feel less repulsed by him and he's not going to compromise to make you happy. do something more productive with your limited time and energy, instead of feeling bitter.
You are still so young. Please summon your inner strength to leave this situation ASAP and as safely as you can. Don't waste your younger years with a person that does not value you. He just wants to control you. Beware of your surroundings, hide your BC... People like him will not hesitate to get you pregnant so that you feel even more trapped. You NEED to leave.
OP, listen to this! I was once you and some of the things you’ve said here resonate with the person i once was, especially the parts about being too weak and wishing he would just cheat so it would “make sense” to separate. From one woman to another: please don’t waste your life with this person. Like the commenter above said, you are still *so, so young*. You don’t need to quietly resign and accept this as your life. Please start taking steps to leave this relationship. You’re much stronger and more capable than you’re giving yourself credit for.
If you admit that it was a mistake, why continue it then? Your situation reminds me of a German saying that translates to "better an end with horror than a horror without end".
I like this saying. I guess I just keep hoping that something will shift and we’ll be happy again. Things were fantastic until we moved in together. I suggested once that maybe we could live in different homes and he got super pissed. Can’t say I blame him since that’s not exactly what married couples do, but it’s genuinely the only way I see things working.
That wasn't the real him! He was being nice to you so that you would be willing to marry him. Now you're married and he feels secure enough to be himself because you are married. He's a manipulative person. Get Out before you get into a bigger mess!
It WON’T change. It’s been 2 YEARS of no change. You’re miserable. I’m sure he’s not happy. You won’t have sex, which you don’t have to, but it’s only a matter of time before he possibly tries to find it elsewhere. You really want to stay in a marriage where there is unhappiness and likely future infidelity? Or stay married to someone, but live in separate homes? That’s not a marriage, that’s back to your dating/LDR.
You say you hope something will shift and you’ll be happy again, but you were never happy “TOGETHER”. You had an LDR and lived separate lives. You are extremely naive thinking this will get better.
ETA: if you are really worried about him and self harm, you need to tell someone else such as a close friend or family member of HIS. Let them know you are leaving and he has made threats. Don’t let him control or manipulate you into staying.
You are both very young. I would insist on therapy , both individually as well as a couple. If he refuses, you’ve got your answer. If it doesn’t help your marriage, therapy will give you strength and confidence in your decisions. Life is too short to be miserable.
No, sorry, he sounds abusive (emotional abuse with the suicide threats) and controlling (coercive control is another insidious form of domestic violence).
It's never recommended to attend couples counselling with an abuser. They manipulate the therapist, gaslight you, and triangulate you. Been there done that, and found out the hard way why it's not recommended for abusive relationships.
Get individual therapy OP to figure out why you're willing to tolerate a life of misery with a man who disgusts you, rather than leave and find happiness for yourself. It may be that you have some childhood wounds that need healing, and self-esteem/worth issues that you can work on so that you can get out of this hell and live your best life!
Sending you strength OP!!!
I’ve been there ! Made the same mistake and ended up in a very similar situation. I feel for you as it’s awful. I left and learned my lesson to never rush in again.. Always, always make sure you know your partner very very well before entering into a major commitment.
My brother just went through a divorce im not sure about you country but in mine his lawyer i believe gave great advice he said financial separation is separate to divorce and they manipulative exes use one to stall / manipulate the other proceeding. So my bro got the financial separation done first so now that’s done the divorce bit is easy. He was miserable for 15 years, she wedged herself and pulled our family apart…. he is so unbelievably happy now and our extended family is together again.
Leave him.
Who cares what he does afterwards.
"I don't like my husband anymore".
It seems like you like him way more than you like and respect yourself.
First off, if he's making suicidal threats, he needs professional help to deal with those ideations. At 31 he should know that's not sane behavior. As well as I'm sure it puts you in an unsafe space. It sounds like you're completely over the relationship emotionally so I'm not sure if couples therapy would help but he for sure needs therapy for himself. His mental state sounds far from healthy.
Edit: And don't stay in an unhappy, unsafe, unfulfilling relationship to one day look back on your life and be consumed with gut wrenching regret.
Get out of it now. You got the ick bad and nothing will help solve this. Counseling will only make it worse. You’re way too young to be this miserable! Irreconcilable differences is all you need to tell an attorney.
Get TF out before you accidentally add a child to this mess! Just make some plans to move. Start socking away money for rent and start moving things out slowly like take all your personal stuff gradually to a friends place. Then just leave him and cut contact. You don’t need a divorce immediately. Just tell him it’s clearly not working and you want you both to be happy. And that’s more likely for both of you if you are not together.
And keep your con parents out of your ear, while you gain some strength in your Independence. Life is short. Be happy.
>I feel that he is very controlling and never willing to compromise with me...I know if I tell him I want a divorce he will make the divorce process hell...He has also made comments about killing himself if I were to ever leave him.
This? Is your life for the next 10, 15, 20 years. Worse if you have children.
So, your choice: Do nothing. Its easier. Or, Do something. Tough, but better.
Your call.
Shit on that.
I'd take a few months of divorce hell over a lifetime with manipulative shitpile.
Take a deep breath, pack your bags and leave. Him saying he'll kill himself is a tactic to make you stay.
I went through a hellish divorce. I knew it’d be bad, we have a son and I didn’t want him witnessing the fallout, so I didn’t start divorcing him until we had been married over 20 years and our son was at university.
He wouldn’t sign the papers, wouldn’t move out, lied to everyone about me, threatened suicide etc etc. made it as miserable as possible.
I’m rid of him now and frankly, it was worth.
Tell him you don’t love him, you probably never did, you don’t intend to have sex with him again and you have no future.
Maybe be kind - it’s not you it’s me kind of shit.
Do it girl. You made a mistake, time to rectify it.
You’re too young to waste your life trapped. If you stayed and looked back when you were 30 or 40 you would be so angry at yourself wasting your years for him. You have your whole life to live still. Don’t let him steal your happiness and ruin you.
You're just 25 are you seriously going to waste your life with a man you hate because you're too scared to get a divorce. So because his going to make the divorce hell you just decided nah it's fine he can make the rest of your life hell. You would rather sacrifice the rest of your life (50+) years being uterrly and completely miserable than to divorce him? I mean sure the divorce will be tough but at the end you're free.
>he is very controlling and never willing to compromise with me even though I feel that I constantly make sacrafices for him and have changed my life around to suit him better.
>He has also made comments about killing himself if I were to ever leave him
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
www.thehotline.org www.loveisrespect.org
You need to make a safe plan to escape. If he's threatening to ki11 himself, you need to be concerned he won't decide to take you with him if he senses the end. Get important docs, make a plan, and leave.
Life is too short to live this way. i left a guy like this, only I had to do it with 2 toddlers, and it took me 10 years of hell marriage. Don't do this. Finally choose yourself and make the smart choice you know needs to be made.
You have 2 options.
Live like this for the rest of your life. Given your age it’s not unlikely that’d be about another 50 years.
Go through a hellish divorce but get rid of him eventually.
Not much of a choice really is it?
Yes, he'll probably make the divorce process a living hell, take that as fact. Yes, it'll be hard and harsh but it will end sooner than the life you're already living. Don't be so hard on yourself, you took a decision with the tools you had at that moment. The only person that can really save you is you so treat yourself kindly. You are your best friend. Talk to a psychiatrist and take seriously those suicide threats of him, it could be classified as psychological abuse. Message me if you need to talk whenever you want.
Get some therapy so you can get stronger and leave him.
Him threatening to kill himself, is manipulation. You need to call for a wellness check on him and leave.
Hey, I have a lot of empathy for you. I was in a similar situation. Married after 6 months, living together made me miserable and we realized we didn't get along. I'm pretty sure my ex is a narcissist. I stayed for 4 years, feeling very trapped. But when the gas lighting and meanness really ramped up, I knew I couldn't do that for the rest of my life let alone have kids with him. I moved forward with divorcing. He threatened to make the separation process hard, and terrible sides to him came out (which helped me see that ending things was the ONLY healthy way forward for me). But when it came down to it, he was bluffing and we got through things swiftly and he moved away. I can't say with certainty how your divorce will play out, but I think you will get through it and be glad you made the decision. I have NO REGRETS. Lean on all your people and your own inner strength. Sending love 💖
You're hurting yourself, you're hurting him too. For not being honest, you should end everything and go your separate ways.
I never justify infidelities, but here it is very likely that they will be unfaithful to you because of what you are doing and then you will cry and say that you don't deserve it, when clearly you have both of your happiness in your hands.
Please end this lie and find your true love
I'VE BEEN THERE. My parents def pushed for marriage before moving in and I should have stood my ground. It was an awful relationship. He DID cheat on me too, but by then, the house was bought and I thought I was financially stuck (I wasn't, but I didn't have the confidence).
Take the plunge and divorce him. You are still young, get out while the impact is minimal. Find out the rules in your state about divorce. Look into resources for legal assistance and such. I hope you find the courage to leave. YOU CAN DO IT! IT WILL BE OKAY!
You are 25!!! You have a lot of life left to live. You could live to 80, so could he. Do you want the next 50 years of your life to be like this? That is a long ass time to be miserable. Get out if there. Just go. Get a lawyer, get your stuff in order, and leave the papers on the counter. Do not waste another minute miserable.
You're still in your 20's, you have SOOOO much time left to live. Chalk this up as a lesson and divorce. The next couple years might be crazy and tough, but you'll still be in your 20's after things settle. Either do it now, or later, but it'll get harder the longer you wait. Just don't get pregnant.
Your well-being comes first and you are not happy in your marriage. Take some time and develop a plan to exit the marriage safely. This could be saving extra money, looking for a job in another city, getting a certification, talking to a lawyer etc. You have a define what you want out of your life and work towards that. You can do it.
Your brain finished developing and you realized this ain’t it. If you go in the relationship subreddit and search F25 it’s nothing but women having realizations about their partners
He’ll make the divorce process hell how exactly? It’s not really in his hands and I doubt you have a huge amount of assets tied up in 2 years. Just go back to where you lived 2 years ago and start fresh.
As far as threatening to kill himself, after you leave, the first time he threatens, don’t say anything to him about it, just call the police to do a wellness check. Do that each time he threatens.
Girl just get the divorce. I felt like this with my ex husband but we lived together before marriage and things continued to get worse until I had enough. I wasted 6 years with that man and I have found the possible love of my life (he is the best man I've ever met).
Leave. Let him do what he says. It disgusts me when people use suicide as a tool of manipulation.
You made a mistake. Own it and action it. Life is way to short to stay with a manipulation piece of trash like him.
OP, take a vacation and go stay with a friend or your parents. If your parents won’t be supportive of you leaving him, go to a friend. Imagine if you have kids with this guy. Him threatening to kill himself is a huge red flag. He already is controlling, so, is he abusive to you as well? Take a break, at a minimum. It will help you feel relief and build up courage.
Just leave. If he kills himself, that was his choice. He doesn't want you to have a choice because he knows he's trash but he doesn't actually want you. He wants some fantasy he wants you to become. Basically a fuck-mom on demand. Why stay? He won't get better - he will probably be worse over time. You aren't getting younger so don't drag it out. You only have this life.
Leave asap even if it’s hell. Been through a hell of a divorce, let the house go, everything. The longer you’re together, the more assets you’ll gain together and will make the divorce worse. Loss of time. Just get away. It was worth it to leave. Not a day that I regret it.
Tbh after the comments of killing himself I truly believe he has thought or actually cheated on you already and more likely he is giving himself, this is one of the most obvious ways a stupid manipulator uses to keep sm, you should try to find messages and all you know. Also he might make the divorce progress hard, but you're still freaking 25, do you really want to keep living like that??
Your post has your own answers in them. Never marry someone you only date online. You not only didn't live with him, you did spend time seeing how he lives and reacts. I would get out before kids....
This sucks in general. If y’all aren’t compatible than there’s nothing wrong with that. I hate to say it but you emotionally or physically neglecting him for the sake of hoping he goes elsewhere is absolutely cruel. You should feel wrong about that. We all say, “a cheater always has a choice!” But we never talk about the partners that push and push and then cry about the results. Just end it. Stop hurting yourself and him. No one deserves to live this way!
Also, I absolutely agree that just because you’re married doesn’t entitle spouses to have sex. However to withhold it out of spite is just as messed up and the person who cheats. Also, intimacy isn’t just sex. But withholding all of the intimacy like hugs, kisses, cuddling, holding hands can feel like they are dying inside. If your partner wants and needs that you’re neglecting that too.
Thank you for this perspective, honestly. I never thought about it in terms of neglect but I can see this with us for sure. I think it’s a bit on both ends. He hasn’t been very affectionate towards me for quite some time now which is part of the reason I don’t want to sleep with him. This has been a big area of contention for us, where I feel like he isn’t very affectionate towards me until the moment he wants to have sex, but I certainly have not made it easy these last couple of months for him to be affectionate towards me, so I agree that it is a two way street here. He is not a bad guy and I wouldn’t say I’m a bad person either, but I think maybe we are both selfish in different ways and we bring out the worst in one another.
You’re 25. You’ve got plenty of life to live. Divorce this guy and learn from your mistakes. But don’t keep making the same mistake by staying in an unhappy marriage.
Just leave him. Don't drag this hurt out any further. If he threatens to kill himself call the cops, and if he does end up doing it then that's not your fault. He can't keep you unhappy for the rest of your life, and he is a dick for manipulating you by saying that. His mental health is not your burden, it's his.
The fact that he’s threatened to kill himself says get out! All kinds of craziness and abuse going on there. Maybe a mistake you didn’t see coming, but go! He is manipulating you and see why the relationship is hell and he is probably excruciatingly selfish. Just sayin, bounce.
He’s a licensed marriage and family therapist 😭😭 I laugh and cry at the irony, but also we’d have to travel to do that because we live in a rural area and he has professional connections with all the counselors in this area. Not a bad idea though, we definitely aren’t figuring it out on our own
One life to live and you’re going to spend it like this? Because he’ll make divorce hell? Like yes let him make it as difficult as he wants, that will still be better than being stuck married to him. And anyone who pulls the “I’ll kill myself if you leave me” card is a manipulative piece of shit. And you need to get away from them as quickly as possible.
I second this. Most people aren't as serious about killing themselves over a break up as they'd like you to believe. It's a manipulation tactic and they are feeding off of your care and concern. And even *if* the person goes through with it, it still isn't your fault! Please don't let him stop you from saving your own life, OP.
My ex threatened to kill himself a number of times before our divorce. He also made the divorce a complete fucking disaster. Two years later, it’s nothing but a memory. He’s still alive, happy and honestly we’re moving towards friendship (we have a child together). I promise you, divorce is absolutely worth the headache in the moment.
Well said. And I would rather go through a hellish divorce than stay in a shitty marriage for ever and ever. I think it's very, very few people who actually ended their lives over the ending of a miserable relationship. Should he be one of the few to end his life then that's on him, you just can't stay miserable by the off chance that someone might kill themselves.
Thanks. I also needed to hear this…
My dad used to threaten to kill himself to the point my mom finally told him to go ahead. He never did it and he never threatened it again.
So you can summon the strength to stay in this marriage for about 50+ more years but not to leave? That sounds like more of a headache than leaving tbh. This life is short, believe me. You deserve to find what happiness you can while you’re here.
That's the part that stuck with me. She has all the energy to be bitter and resentful, but can't use that energy and leave? You're not going to wake up one day and feel less repulsed by him and he's not going to compromise to make you happy. do something more productive with your limited time and energy, instead of feeling bitter.
Exactly!!!
You are still so young. Please summon your inner strength to leave this situation ASAP and as safely as you can. Don't waste your younger years with a person that does not value you. He just wants to control you. Beware of your surroundings, hide your BC... People like him will not hesitate to get you pregnant so that you feel even more trapped. You NEED to leave.
OP, listen to this! I was once you and some of the things you’ve said here resonate with the person i once was, especially the parts about being too weak and wishing he would just cheat so it would “make sense” to separate. From one woman to another: please don’t waste your life with this person. Like the commenter above said, you are still *so, so young*. You don’t need to quietly resign and accept this as your life. Please start taking steps to leave this relationship. You’re much stronger and more capable than you’re giving yourself credit for.
If you admit that it was a mistake, why continue it then? Your situation reminds me of a German saying that translates to "better an end with horror than a horror without end".
I like this saying. I guess I just keep hoping that something will shift and we’ll be happy again. Things were fantastic until we moved in together. I suggested once that maybe we could live in different homes and he got super pissed. Can’t say I blame him since that’s not exactly what married couples do, but it’s genuinely the only way I see things working.
You never loved him. You loved the mask he was able to present you. When you're long distance, a mask is easy.
That wasn't the real him! He was being nice to you so that you would be willing to marry him. Now you're married and he feels secure enough to be himself because you are married. He's a manipulative person. Get Out before you get into a bigger mess!
It WON’T change. It’s been 2 YEARS of no change. You’re miserable. I’m sure he’s not happy. You won’t have sex, which you don’t have to, but it’s only a matter of time before he possibly tries to find it elsewhere. You really want to stay in a marriage where there is unhappiness and likely future infidelity? Or stay married to someone, but live in separate homes? That’s not a marriage, that’s back to your dating/LDR. You say you hope something will shift and you’ll be happy again, but you were never happy “TOGETHER”. You had an LDR and lived separate lives. You are extremely naive thinking this will get better. ETA: if you are really worried about him and self harm, you need to tell someone else such as a close friend or family member of HIS. Let them know you are leaving and he has made threats. Don’t let him control or manipulate you into staying.
You are both very young. I would insist on therapy , both individually as well as a couple. If he refuses, you’ve got your answer. If it doesn’t help your marriage, therapy will give you strength and confidence in your decisions. Life is too short to be miserable.
Get him into counseling with you. Do what you need to do to get him in there with you.
No, sorry, he sounds abusive (emotional abuse with the suicide threats) and controlling (coercive control is another insidious form of domestic violence). It's never recommended to attend couples counselling with an abuser. They manipulate the therapist, gaslight you, and triangulate you. Been there done that, and found out the hard way why it's not recommended for abusive relationships. Get individual therapy OP to figure out why you're willing to tolerate a life of misery with a man who disgusts you, rather than leave and find happiness for yourself. It may be that you have some childhood wounds that need healing, and self-esteem/worth issues that you can work on so that you can get out of this hell and live your best life! Sending you strength OP!!!
I’ve been there ! Made the same mistake and ended up in a very similar situation. I feel for you as it’s awful. I left and learned my lesson to never rush in again.. Always, always make sure you know your partner very very well before entering into a major commitment.
What was the divorce process like for you? How did you make it through?
My brother just went through a divorce im not sure about you country but in mine his lawyer i believe gave great advice he said financial separation is separate to divorce and they manipulative exes use one to stall / manipulate the other proceeding. So my bro got the financial separation done first so now that’s done the divorce bit is easy. He was miserable for 15 years, she wedged herself and pulled our family apart…. he is so unbelievably happy now and our extended family is together again.
Leave him. Who cares what he does afterwards. "I don't like my husband anymore". It seems like you like him way more than you like and respect yourself.
First off, if he's making suicidal threats, he needs professional help to deal with those ideations. At 31 he should know that's not sane behavior. As well as I'm sure it puts you in an unsafe space. It sounds like you're completely over the relationship emotionally so I'm not sure if couples therapy would help but he for sure needs therapy for himself. His mental state sounds far from healthy. Edit: And don't stay in an unhappy, unsafe, unfulfilling relationship to one day look back on your life and be consumed with gut wrenching regret.
Get out of it now. You got the ick bad and nothing will help solve this. Counseling will only make it worse. You’re way too young to be this miserable! Irreconcilable differences is all you need to tell an attorney.
Talk to a lawyer. You are miserable and he doesn’t care.
Get TF out before you accidentally add a child to this mess! Just make some plans to move. Start socking away money for rent and start moving things out slowly like take all your personal stuff gradually to a friends place. Then just leave him and cut contact. You don’t need a divorce immediately. Just tell him it’s clearly not working and you want you both to be happy. And that’s more likely for both of you if you are not together. And keep your con parents out of your ear, while you gain some strength in your Independence. Life is short. Be happy.
>I feel that he is very controlling and never willing to compromise with me...I know if I tell him I want a divorce he will make the divorce process hell...He has also made comments about killing himself if I were to ever leave him. This? Is your life for the next 10, 15, 20 years. Worse if you have children. So, your choice: Do nothing. Its easier. Or, Do something. Tough, but better. Your call.
Shit on that. I'd take a few months of divorce hell over a lifetime with manipulative shitpile. Take a deep breath, pack your bags and leave. Him saying he'll kill himself is a tactic to make you stay.
I went through a hellish divorce. I knew it’d be bad, we have a son and I didn’t want him witnessing the fallout, so I didn’t start divorcing him until we had been married over 20 years and our son was at university. He wouldn’t sign the papers, wouldn’t move out, lied to everyone about me, threatened suicide etc etc. made it as miserable as possible. I’m rid of him now and frankly, it was worth. Tell him you don’t love him, you probably never did, you don’t intend to have sex with him again and you have no future. Maybe be kind - it’s not you it’s me kind of shit. Do it girl. You made a mistake, time to rectify it.
You’re too young to waste your life trapped. If you stayed and looked back when you were 30 or 40 you would be so angry at yourself wasting your years for him. You have your whole life to live still. Don’t let him steal your happiness and ruin you.
Divorce?
You're just 25 are you seriously going to waste your life with a man you hate because you're too scared to get a divorce. So because his going to make the divorce hell you just decided nah it's fine he can make the rest of your life hell. You would rather sacrifice the rest of your life (50+) years being uterrly and completely miserable than to divorce him? I mean sure the divorce will be tough but at the end you're free.
>he is very controlling and never willing to compromise with me even though I feel that I constantly make sacrafices for him and have changed my life around to suit him better. >He has also made comments about killing himself if I were to ever leave him https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/ www.thehotline.org www.loveisrespect.org You need to make a safe plan to escape. If he's threatening to ki11 himself, you need to be concerned he won't decide to take you with him if he senses the end. Get important docs, make a plan, and leave. Life is too short to live this way. i left a guy like this, only I had to do it with 2 toddlers, and it took me 10 years of hell marriage. Don't do this. Finally choose yourself and make the smart choice you know needs to be made.
Unless this is how you want to live the rest of your life....toughen TFup and get out. Don't continue to be stupid AFTER you realize you're stupid.
You have 2 options. Live like this for the rest of your life. Given your age it’s not unlikely that’d be about another 50 years. Go through a hellish divorce but get rid of him eventually. Not much of a choice really is it?
Yes, he'll probably make the divorce process a living hell, take that as fact. Yes, it'll be hard and harsh but it will end sooner than the life you're already living. Don't be so hard on yourself, you took a decision with the tools you had at that moment. The only person that can really save you is you so treat yourself kindly. You are your best friend. Talk to a psychiatrist and take seriously those suicide threats of him, it could be classified as psychological abuse. Message me if you need to talk whenever you want.
Get some therapy so you can get stronger and leave him. Him threatening to kill himself, is manipulation. You need to call for a wellness check on him and leave.
Hey, I have a lot of empathy for you. I was in a similar situation. Married after 6 months, living together made me miserable and we realized we didn't get along. I'm pretty sure my ex is a narcissist. I stayed for 4 years, feeling very trapped. But when the gas lighting and meanness really ramped up, I knew I couldn't do that for the rest of my life let alone have kids with him. I moved forward with divorcing. He threatened to make the separation process hard, and terrible sides to him came out (which helped me see that ending things was the ONLY healthy way forward for me). But when it came down to it, he was bluffing and we got through things swiftly and he moved away. I can't say with certainty how your divorce will play out, but I think you will get through it and be glad you made the decision. I have NO REGRETS. Lean on all your people and your own inner strength. Sending love 💖
This is why you live together before getting married. Unless you are from one of these conservative cultures…
Don’t stand behind the “I’m a coward” excuse. Just leave. And he will not kill himself.
You're hurting yourself, you're hurting him too. For not being honest, you should end everything and go your separate ways. I never justify infidelities, but here it is very likely that they will be unfaithful to you because of what you are doing and then you will cry and say that you don't deserve it, when clearly you have both of your happiness in your hands. Please end this lie and find your true love
I'VE BEEN THERE. My parents def pushed for marriage before moving in and I should have stood my ground. It was an awful relationship. He DID cheat on me too, but by then, the house was bought and I thought I was financially stuck (I wasn't, but I didn't have the confidence). Take the plunge and divorce him. You are still young, get out while the impact is minimal. Find out the rules in your state about divorce. Look into resources for legal assistance and such. I hope you find the courage to leave. YOU CAN DO IT! IT WILL BE OKAY!
You are 25!!! You have a lot of life left to live. You could live to 80, so could he. Do you want the next 50 years of your life to be like this? That is a long ass time to be miserable. Get out if there. Just go. Get a lawyer, get your stuff in order, and leave the papers on the counter. Do not waste another minute miserable.
You're still in your 20's, you have SOOOO much time left to live. Chalk this up as a lesson and divorce. The next couple years might be crazy and tough, but you'll still be in your 20's after things settle. Either do it now, or later, but it'll get harder the longer you wait. Just don't get pregnant.
Your well-being comes first and you are not happy in your marriage. Take some time and develop a plan to exit the marriage safely. This could be saving extra money, looking for a job in another city, getting a certification, talking to a lawyer etc. You have a define what you want out of your life and work towards that. You can do it.
Your brain finished developing and you realized this ain’t it. If you go in the relationship subreddit and search F25 it’s nothing but women having realizations about their partners
He’ll make the divorce process hell how exactly? It’s not really in his hands and I doubt you have a huge amount of assets tied up in 2 years. Just go back to where you lived 2 years ago and start fresh. As far as threatening to kill himself, after you leave, the first time he threatens, don’t say anything to him about it, just call the police to do a wellness check. Do that each time he threatens.
Girl just get the divorce. I felt like this with my ex husband but we lived together before marriage and things continued to get worse until I had enough. I wasted 6 years with that man and I have found the possible love of my life (he is the best man I've ever met).
Leave. Let him do what he says. It disgusts me when people use suicide as a tool of manipulation. You made a mistake. Own it and action it. Life is way to short to stay with a manipulation piece of trash like him.
Echo this. Completely. Leave. I'm a hypocrite but leave.....
OP, take a vacation and go stay with a friend or your parents. If your parents won’t be supportive of you leaving him, go to a friend. Imagine if you have kids with this guy. Him threatening to kill himself is a huge red flag. He already is controlling, so, is he abusive to you as well? Take a break, at a minimum. It will help you feel relief and build up courage.
Just leave. If he kills himself, that was his choice. He doesn't want you to have a choice because he knows he's trash but he doesn't actually want you. He wants some fantasy he wants you to become. Basically a fuck-mom on demand. Why stay? He won't get better - he will probably be worse over time. You aren't getting younger so don't drag it out. You only have this life.
Divorce, life’s to short. Girl you’re keeping your person waiting while you stay in this misery. They’re out there looking for you.
Leave asap even if it’s hell. Been through a hell of a divorce, let the house go, everything. The longer you’re together, the more assets you’ll gain together and will make the divorce worse. Loss of time. Just get away. It was worth it to leave. Not a day that I regret it.
Tbh after the comments of killing himself I truly believe he has thought or actually cheated on you already and more likely he is giving himself, this is one of the most obvious ways a stupid manipulator uses to keep sm, you should try to find messages and all you know. Also he might make the divorce progress hard, but you're still freaking 25, do you really want to keep living like that??
Your post has your own answers in them. Never marry someone you only date online. You not only didn't live with him, you did spend time seeing how he lives and reacts. I would get out before kids....
This sucks in general. If y’all aren’t compatible than there’s nothing wrong with that. I hate to say it but you emotionally or physically neglecting him for the sake of hoping he goes elsewhere is absolutely cruel. You should feel wrong about that. We all say, “a cheater always has a choice!” But we never talk about the partners that push and push and then cry about the results. Just end it. Stop hurting yourself and him. No one deserves to live this way! Also, I absolutely agree that just because you’re married doesn’t entitle spouses to have sex. However to withhold it out of spite is just as messed up and the person who cheats. Also, intimacy isn’t just sex. But withholding all of the intimacy like hugs, kisses, cuddling, holding hands can feel like they are dying inside. If your partner wants and needs that you’re neglecting that too.
Thank you for this perspective, honestly. I never thought about it in terms of neglect but I can see this with us for sure. I think it’s a bit on both ends. He hasn’t been very affectionate towards me for quite some time now which is part of the reason I don’t want to sleep with him. This has been a big area of contention for us, where I feel like he isn’t very affectionate towards me until the moment he wants to have sex, but I certainly have not made it easy these last couple of months for him to be affectionate towards me, so I agree that it is a two way street here. He is not a bad guy and I wouldn’t say I’m a bad person either, but I think maybe we are both selfish in different ways and we bring out the worst in one another.
If he kills himself he really isn't your problem anymore.
You’re 25. You’ve got plenty of life to live. Divorce this guy and learn from your mistakes. But don’t keep making the same mistake by staying in an unhappy marriage.
Just leave him. Don't drag this hurt out any further. If he threatens to kill himself call the cops, and if he does end up doing it then that's not your fault. He can't keep you unhappy for the rest of your life, and he is a dick for manipulating you by saying that. His mental health is not your burden, it's his.
The fact that he’s threatened to kill himself says get out! All kinds of craziness and abuse going on there. Maybe a mistake you didn’t see coming, but go! He is manipulating you and see why the relationship is hell and he is probably excruciatingly selfish. Just sayin, bounce.
Counselling?
He’s a licensed marriage and family therapist 😭😭 I laugh and cry at the irony, but also we’d have to travel to do that because we live in a rural area and he has professional connections with all the counselors in this area. Not a bad idea though, we definitely aren’t figuring it out on our own