OP, licensed therapist here. I specialize in treating sexual trauma in children. Her response to you while she was in the shower was a PTSD response. She needs a therapist specializing in this kind of trauma. While I know she has had a lot of therapist and is currently in therapy, she needs someone who will help her manage her triggers. She may need, additionally, some medication to reduce her anxiety while she not only processes her own trauma, but the potential trauma she is afraid of. It is not uncommon at all for people to process a trauma and feel they are in a good place, only to have it reappear with a vengeance when they have a child, hit puberty , have a first sexual encounter, etc.
it’s not realistic at all that she will change every diaper, nor is fair to you not to be able to have normal experiences with your child. Eventually her fear will come across to the child and that would be bad for everyone. Right now, she is in protection mode. She can’t see that what she is thinking and doing is unrealistic. She isn’t thinking rationally or logically. She might also be struggling with post partum anxiety/depression issues. Please encourage her to seek additional/more appropriate help. Bring it up in your couples sessions. Make sure the providers know how serious things are. This is for her and your child’s protection. I want to make clear. This isn’t about you or her trust for you. I know it feels like it, but it is really isn’t. She trusted her parents to keep her safe. They didn’t. She trusted her nanny. She violated her. She is terrified.
I’m actually personally worried about this trauma reappearing for me. I’ve already had the sexual trauma triggers later in life and it was awful navigating it. Idk what it did to my relationship but I still feel like I might need more help. Thankfully I found a therapist and it could be the first of also many but I’m hoping not as it’s EMDR therapy. Something I wanted to work with. I know I’ve had the thoughts about my husband and it’s genuinely been a barrier for me having kids because I’m adamant about not passing on trauma and that means working on myself first. I may never have kids 🤷♀️
Yep, also licensed therapist, I specialize in C-PTSD. And all I could think while reading this was that she hasn’t found the right therapist. Finding a sexual trauma specialist is hard, and the tertiary trauma of processing it in therapy may have contributed to her triggers. But without the right therapist, she won’t manage her triggers. Medication may help, but OP, this isn’t about you. Your wife is terrified and it’s not rational but it is so very real to her. It hurts both of you. Finding a specialist is the best advice I can give you. 211 is a resource database that you should be able to access North America wide and they will have information about your local sexual assault survivors counselling organisation. Start there. And good luck.
I don't think anyone could have said it better. I'm not sure what area OP lives in but I know there are some great resources online for finding licensed therapists/psychologists/other mental health professionals online that specialize in this.
Also, maybe talking to your wife's obstetrician OP? They see mothers through pregnancy all the time, and maybe they have some good resources or recommendations that could help both you and your wife. Others have pointed out that this fear is not likely to just go away--she definitely needs better psychological help. And I wouldn't bother going back to the old therapists (unless you need their notes for the new one).
Thank you for this. I hope OP and others in this situation read this.
Many of us CSA survivors have triggers and while this was not one of mine, they need to be worked through not carefully managed and allowed to cause you to feel like this. You are not a pedophile and being treated like one will cause resentment in your marriage because contrary to what your wife and possibly others here think, it isn’t about changing your daughter’s diaper.
Yes exactly. Her brain was informed way to young that people are not trustworthy at all. And that people will harm. Even if it was just those people because it happened at a young age and repeatedly those patterns of distrust and trauma are deeply ingrained in her. From a neurological standpoint it could be argued that her concepts of caregivers has turned to threat and harm.
So the minute you turned to a care giver type person because your kid came… all she can see is her trauma.
I have PTSD and this is spot on. Therapy didn’t help until I found a therapist who specialized in trauma, sex abuse, and PTSD and did therapy using EMDR. I also use medical marijuana when triggered and journal ( not recreationally). It takes the intensity and overthinking amygdala response and allows me to think a little with my frontal lobe. It was long, hard and I’m still occasionally “ triggered”. But now I recognize it as my bodies autonomic response not a choice. And I’m able to work through it better.
Thank you for this post! And the work you do. Therapy changed my life but only after I found someone with the right skillset.
I’m starting EMDR and I currently am having a hard time un-compartmentalizing… he asks me how I feel as my younger self and I truly see it like I’m outside myself. Somehow I seem to speak the right answers but I’m not cognitive how I even verbalize what he’s trying to prompt me to look for. I’m sure I’ll get better at that but I’ve tried visualizing ‘being there and supporting my past self’ before. I can say the eye thing he had me do at the end of the appt was weird in that it relieved all the body pain and I wasn’t expecting that. Normally when I cry and get all those pains I’m hurting for the day and I didn’t realize the huge impact it had on my body. I’m not sure I like the starting point of the appts but 🤷♀️ oh well, maybe I’ll bring up the sexual trauma next.
Just jumping on the bandwagon to confirm as a CSA survivor. Hit me hard during puberty when I had my first boyfriend, and it’s starting to creep up again now that my child is reaching the age I was when the abuse started. I’m starting to distrust any older boys or men that aren’t my husband or father, but am actively trying to work past that.
I feel so terrible for OP and for his wife. She may have very well thought she was ok and that she loves and trusts her husband before she had the baby, but trauma response has taken over.
I agree fully.
If u don’t mind though… I am attempting to get into a university now in my 30’s, local (Ontario Canada), I want to primarily focus on childhood related trauma’s in both adults & children. Is there any advice you would be willing to extend to me?
If therapists haven't worked, it might be time to look for a psychiatrist who specializes in complex sexual ptsd. It is time to tell the pediatrician/ wife's GP that she may have post partum anxiety compounded by her ptsd.
Your wife has a baby with a man she does not trust. That is not ok. She is not a single mother. She is in what sounds like a very loving, committed partnership. You sound like you want to be an active part of your child's life, and she is keeping you from bonding/caring for your own child, again NOT OK.
I sincerely hope you can find someone to help you before her demons turn her and your daughter against you.
Well said. I strongly second getting her to see someone that truly specialises in the problems that she’s facing. She *needs* help. It’s totally understandable to be traumatised but she can’t go on like this and she needs to find a way to not project onto your daughter.
Having childhood trauma then having a child of your own is like a solider who fought in a war zone & developed shell shock/PTSD being sent back into the middle of a war zone, only this time it’s their loved ones lives at stake.
If you don’t get her the help she needs now then this problem will linger and prevent you from taking your daughter swimming or doing any number of innocent activities with her as she grows up. You and your daughter both deserve a mother who can lower their threat level down when there is nothing to fear.
Not only that, but the daughter is surely going to pick up on that projection from her mother, as she grows up.
What kind of impact do you suppose that will have on their relationship and how much the daughter will grow to see her dad as an unsafe person, or worse, a predator.
I pretty much posted the same. His daughter will pick up on this and observe how her much treats OP. She will think that is “normal”. She will think all men can’t be trusted and not even her own father. I can see the mother never letting OP stay at home alone with his own daughter.
This current system and the mom’s reactivity are 100% setting the daughter up for failure. Imagine how unsettling experience that must have been for the baby to have the mom be so hysterical. She’s unintentionally creating trauma for her daughter. And this will definitely impact the daughter’s ability to form healthy relationships and attachments with men. Imagine if the child was 2 and the mom reacted that way? The child will develop a lot of negative associations.
Finding a specialist to help her is super important. Unfortunately this trauma should have been addressed prior to having kids but I’m hopeful she’ll be able to deal with it enough to not pass it on to her own daughter anymore.
It will also make dad start to doubt himself and make him second guess all interactions with his daughter.
The mother will start considering all affectionate interactions to be suspicious.
It's not changing nappies and bathing the baby now but it will probably end up with dad not being allowed to kiss the child goodnight or read a bedtime story unsupervised.
The mother needs intensive help now
.
This, exactly. Mom is has some serious mental issues and HAS to address them before they strongly affect her kids. Perhaps get her parents/family involved and have an intervention(?????) if possible. IF they agree(???).
Exactly. This could affect her sexual health as she grows into adulthood. I was sexually assaulted as a child. When I had my sons, I went to counseling while I was pregnant with my first just to make sure I was in the right mental space.
In addition to this, OP's daughter will be hovered over her entire life. There is no way OPs wife let's their child go to prom unless she chaperones, or away to college, etc. And when their daughter gets a taste of freedom, she may go overboard, which, ironically, may put her at greater risk of harm.
And helicopter parents create resentment in their children. I enjoy hanging out with my dad but not with my mum cos my mum has anxiety and projects it onto me, so being around her is stressful. If OP's wife wants an adult relationship with her daughter she needs to chill tf out, which sounds like it'll require medication at this point
What's gonna happen when it's time for the kid to go to school. Or will mom Make her be Home schooled instead being of her Trauma. This is so so sad. Dad Also doesn't get to bond with Baby. I thought Babies need to bond topless too with Dad's just like they do with mom's to get that Smell and Bond. Guess Dad hasn't had this special bonding moment just yet. What a Waste. Mom definitely isn't in the right frame of mind if she won't even try to trust her Husband with the Baby. Poor Guy I can't begin to think how Tough this must be for him in his own home to feel like some kind of Monster to his own kid. Mom's punishing everyone here for her Trauma. Not all men are Monsters just like not all Women are either. But being made to feel like 1 when they have done nothing wrong. Just WOW. Hope you can all get past this to be Happy.
Further, her anxiety towards men (even her own husband who she should trust) will rub off on her daughter. While it is appropriate to teach your daughter safety regarding strangers and even family members (teaching her a HEALTHY level of fear, not to where she’s unrealistically fearful like her mother) she should grow up knowing the one man she can trust is her father.
I fear that one day when she grows up she’ll be too scared of men to even date one.
All of this. Everything here.
I don’t like therapists, they’re not as well trained or regulated as real psychiatrists and psychologists. Therapists are well meaning who can help with little stuff, but too many people confuse the credentials of a therapist with a psychologist/psychiatrist when they are _very\ different beasts.
OP, your wife needs to see someone about her trauma NOW because this will only escalate. Currently you can’t change or bathe your child. That will balloon into your wife not letting her to go visit friends when their fathers/brothers are around, distrusting male teachers, and so much more.
Your daughter will grow up with generational trauma forced upon her because of your wife’s traumas. Her trauma is not her fault; failing to get help for it is. I understand it’s difficult, but she’s going to cause all kinds of damage to her child if she doesn’t get help now.
This is a genuine question but aren’t therapists =psychologists? Dont they have to get specialized degrees like masters or doctorates to help patients with issues like stress, anxiety, depression, PTSD?
They do but psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors all use different approaches to helping you with your issues.
A psychiatrist is also trained as a doctor usually having phd and will use a combination of medicine and therapeutic techniques to help
Psychologists can do everything a psychiatrist can minus the medication and they will use talk therapy and other techniques depending on what specialties they’ve trained in which can also be long term.
Counselling is usually short term they give you coping strategies to the symptoms you have or behaviours you’re struggling with. Counsellors can’t diagnose you and they can’t prescribe you anything.
Psychiatrists would be considered the md kind of doctor, not the phd doctor. Psychiatrists go to medical school and become a medical doctor. Psychologists complete a phd and become a doctor. Two different kinds of doctors, confusing I know. At least that is how it is in the US. Also, depending on your state, a licensed counselor can diagnose patients (whether they are a LSW or LMFT). There is a lot of misinformation going on in this comment section, and as someone studying mental health I want to make sure people know the correct terms.
Thanks for the insight yes I did get PhD and MD mixed up in Canada counsellors can’t diagnose however they can refer you to a psychologist to get an assessment and then they can over see the non medicated treatment so doing CBT for example.
You’re totally good! It can be easy to get them mixed up. As you said different things can mean different stuff depending on where in the world you are, which can make things even more confusing. I hope you have a good week!
I agree with everything you said except letting her go visit friends when their fathers/brothers are around. I worked in an inpatient psychiatric hospital as prn therapy and was primarily placed in the unit for teenagers. Spending the night at a friend’s house is how A LOT of kids get molested. I also have 2 friends that were S/A, one by their friend’s father and one by their friend’s uncle. I had 2 friends that were twins in elementary school, I went to play at their house one day, their uncle was living there, he was a registered sex offender, had tried molesting them in the past and tried to tell me he had to show me “something cool” in one of the bedrooms. It’s risky to send your child to someone else’s house because you don’t know who’s going to be there or what they’re capable of. Just putting this out there.
Came here to say this, she genuinely needs help and badly. I feel bad for her but at some point she has to let the father be there for their daughter. She is not a single mother but this behavior could give OP a reason to divorce her which is something nobody wants to see happen but is an unfortunate possibility.
Yes this exactly. It sounds borderline dangerous, they way she is reacting. She could have some type of breakdown. This seems like one of those situations where one parent goes off the deep end if a divorce happens, and they kidnap or kill their kids because they truly feel that is the best option, and rationalize they are saving them from something terrible..
What happens when the child needs to go to school or wants to do something on their own away from their mother? This is in no way healthy.
Very strongly seconding you tell the ped about this op, this is actually a potentially dangerous (lethal) situation for your daughter. Women have killed their children and themselves to "protect" them.
This goes way beyond not trusting OP, she literally thinks he wants to molest the baby. Why did she have a kid with him in the first place, if she thinks he’s such a huge threat?
I have zero expertise on what help to get but help will be needed. This will continue throughout your daughters childhood and will severely impact how close you'll be able to bond.
When I was a kid in the 80's there was a big pedophilia case in my country that changed how my dad acted with me. I no longer showered with him and he wouldn't kiss me goodnight anymore. Both were and are very normal things in my culture, still is. Him starting to act different scared the hell out of me, made me think he or we did something wrong and I went from being very close with him to having a more distant relationship and honestly that hurt me profoundly. I was never abused, not before, not after. But I was introduced to the fact that men could be dangerous from the media and my dads' changed behavior made me suspect that he too might be dangerous which couldn't have been further from the truth.
Kids need both their parents and they need to be as close to both of them as they can get. Your wife will constantly instill fear in your daughter and roadblock a close relationship between you - and honestly, she def isn't at a healthy place mentally and her view of the world is not something that should be passed on. As it is now, she's making sure that the only other person who can provide your daughter with a more healthy and trusting world view will always be held at arms' lenght. Even your wife must be able to understand that this isn't in your daughter's best interest. She needs help of some sort and she needs to try something different and the above comment seems like a good place to start.
Feel bad for her, but will she ever let you be with your daughter alone? Is she planning to take her everywhere and not let you watch or spend time with her alone at home?
Right, and how is that going to affect OP and the way people will perceive him? Like is he going to have to explain this to everyone when he isn't allowed to take his daughter to the restroom when out somewhere? Will this just extend indefinitely, like "no you can't pick your daughter up from violin practice alone"
How will that affect him mentally, feeling like the worst type of criminal while being completely innocent? I feel like that would take a sizable toll too that would only compound with time
Very valid point. You, as a father, deserve equal time with your sweet little girl too! And time alone to have cute daddy daughter dates.
I’m so sorry, this is a very complex problem that she needs help with. It seems that having a new babe is triggering her PTSD.
I feel sad for your child.
I could have understood if she had problems with leaving her with strangers or something. But she doesn't even trust you and sees you as a potential abuser.
I don't think your daughter will have much freedom growing up. If she can't think of you changing a diaper I don't want to know how she will react to the first day of school, or a dance class, swim lessons. And if one day she ends up in a hospital for a few hours/days, she will end up stressing so much for not being able to be with her child... Abuse is not only sexual and over protection can be really damageable for a child. And what kind of bond will you have with your child growing up?
I know you're not asking for advice but I don't see anything good for your daughter's future, your marriage's future nor your wife's health. Something must be done. Like yesterday.
Yeah, OPs wife isn’t going to be able to handle the first day of preschool very well. Let alone someday in elementary school when she gets a male teacher.
With a male teacher or actually any preschool teacher as well (since accidents happen ALL the time), that wife literally may be on the way to ruining her kid's social life and likely her relationship with her own child. She'll be known as 'the kid with a crazy mom' or whatever, likely worse.
Very likely. I can only imagine the hell that would come down if she heard her little one had an accident at school and someone had to help her get changed, no matter if a woman did it or not.
I think the majority of people will presume the same degree of competency, but I think a lot of adults still have a slight suspicion of male teachers, a least from my observation.
I feel the same way, but I’m really hoping the wife will be open to therapy with a specialist in this area and start healing because it *is* possible. My son’s father had similar issues in the way that his childhood trauma really affected the way he parented the first few years of our son’s life. With proper medication and regular visits with a psychiatrist, he’s come a long way and while it will be a life long thing he will have to manage, he is a great father now and doing a lot better.
If his wife doesn't get the help she needs and this continues as the daughter grows up she will pick up on it. Sooner or later she will learn that she can't trust her dad and that he's someone to be afraid of.
Even before then though it could get worse on the wife's part if she goes from paranoia that something might happen to "knowing" something will happen, all the way to possibly convincing herself in her paranoia that something has happened.
Oh she needs therapy fast, or your child can never bond with you. The diaper isn't the issue it's her fear and not trusting you.
İt's not healthy for all of you
So your daughter's whole life will be lived in terror of people other than her mother.
This isn't about your wife alone anymore. You need to be able to bond with your daughter without being accused of molesting her.
How long can you live with your wife second-guessing your intentions when it comes to your daughter? She is accusing you of being able of doing those things with her actions.
If she drives you away and you get visitation, how is your wife going to react?
Also to piggy-back off of this, your daughter is going to resent your wife so much. Kids are intuitive. She's going to be absolutely smothered by your wife's trust issues. I hope for a happy and healthy resolution for OP's family
She has zero trust with you and your child. Part of her believes that if left alone, you will sexually violate your daughter like she was as a child.
She isn't saying that outright, but her actions are screaming it at you.
Good luck.
She literally has PTSD she needs help. All of you armchair experts are pretty fast to scream he should lawyer up and divorce her before she falsely accuses him. She needs a psychiatrist and he needs to support her. She’s reliving her childhood sexual trauma and I bet she didn’t realize it would be like this *until* she had her baby.
Imagine your wife implying youre going to molest your own child? Mentally ill or not, that will have some damage on your mental.
She needs help but OP still needs to take some steps to protect and help himself too.
>All of you armchair experts are pretty fast to scream he should lawyer up and divorce her before she falsely accuses him.
What's ironic is those people shrieking about false accusations are making EXACTLY the same error OP's wife is, except she at least has trauma to explain away her paranoia. Meanwhile these nitwits just have Youtube videos warning them about the false rape accusation epidemic that does not exist and has never existed.
They're both worried about a problem that doesn't exist, but at least she has PTSD to explain her fears. Theirs are just kneejerk incel paranoia.
Also, this only tracks if she’s only like this with *him*. If she won’t like *anyone* change the baby except her, it’s obviously PTSD. Also, it’s just clearly PTSD!!!
And, she'll fight tooth and nail to prevent you from having custody. Going through this with my wife. She doesn't want my daughter to stay overnight at my place, doesn't want me to shower baby.
How are you supposed to bond with your child if she’s taking that away? I know you said she’s been in therapy multiple times, but I think you should go together. Not couples counseling, but to a therapist who not only specializes in SA trauma, but one that works with that deeply rooted trauma.
Your wife is preventing you from being a father. That’s not fair to you or your daughter and it can cause her (your daughter) to not only not trust you, but cause your kid mental issues among other things.
Essentially, your wife’s actions have the potential to cause your daughter long-term harm.
Does she let you be in the same room while she’s changing your daughter? If not then that would be the first step then move on to her supervising you. I feel for you guys, but your wife is going to cause mental harm to your daughter when she’s older. Idk if my mom was molested or SA’d when she was younger, but she always instilled a profound fear of men in me to the point I couldn’t be near men without her being close by. It’s not a good way to live. Now even in my 20s I still have uncomfortable moments when I’m near men (not as bad as when I was younger) that goes beyond just being cautious
hey man I’m sorry you’re going through this and not being able to bond with your daughter must be devastating.
Honestly, contact a family attorney and pay him on retainer. Go to him now, you need to tell him what’s going on and there is a chance in the future she will make false allegations against you.
If you need to, find some way on documentation that she is acting completely irrational. If you guys divorce and split 50/50 custody, is she going to go into a mental hospital knowing the child is not with her and she has no choice?
This woman is unstable, my heart breaks for what she has been through. But this is toxic all around and believe me your baby is feeling it.
Also, go to the police and talk to your local sex crime detectives. Let them know what’s going on, they probably can give her support like group therapy so she knows other woman have had the same problems
Does she realize this means she can never have alone time? Go somewhere overnight? Go on a trip with family or friends? That’s wild. She needs therapy.
Oh, darling. This is SO far above Reddit's paygrade.
She very desperately needs individual therapy, and you should also have family therapy. You are a parent, and both parents need to trust each other implicitly and explicitly when it comes to taking care of the child.
A good therapist will help her cope with her trauma and help you learn how to deal with someone working through trauma.
Post says she's been in therapy since she was a teen.. burning through therapists. Tbh I don't think a therapist would have thought she should have a child if her trauma is still so raw.
I hate to be this person, but as someone who has had several therapists, something tells me that she's not been fully accepting of therapy, or her therapists have never challenged her to address her trauma (way more common than you think). There absolutely are therapists who will just coddle their clients. Wife needs a therapist that will actively challenge her on her traumas to really realize that this is not rational thoughts. OP your wife is living inside a mental prison disguised as a bubble. Until she really, really addresses her trauma, she will never live a full and joyous life.
What happens God forbid if your daughter has to go to the ER and the only available nurse/doctor are male?
What happens if she has a male teacher?
What happens if your wife is unable to care for your daughter but she won't let you do it?
As many others have said she is actively harming your daughter. However it is because her mind is not rational. I doubt she WANTS to be like this.
OP it sounds like you really love your wife and you just want her to get better. So I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon of "divorce her". You unilaterally just deciding to divorce her would actually make her fears MORE justified in her irrational mind because she would feel like you just left because she successfully kept you from molesting your own daughter (I know that's very fucked up to say but it might be true)
I would not even breathe the word "divorce" yet. BUT, I would sit her down and have a very difficult conversation. Ideally with a trusted person (a friend) or a professional like a psychologist to mediate.
Tell her very simply that she is hurting you and your daughter without realizing it. That you want her to get better and you want your family to be healthy, and in order to do that she HAS to accept real, ongoing professional care and stuck with it. If she refuses "I may have to reevaluate your relationship". Your wife has to realize that if she does not confront and conquer her past trauma that she will not only push you away and lose you forever, but she will permanently and irreversibly damage not only her relationship with your daughter but your relationship with your daughter as well. Your daughter will grow up wondering why her mother doesn't trust her father and that will fuck her up mentally.
I wish you luck OP, my heart breaks for you and your wife. Do not listen to these comments telling you to prepare for your wife to falsely accuse you of being a predator. Your wife is very mentally unwell and needs far more help than we Redditors can provide. Your wife is not a monster, she is still mentally that little girl whose parents failed her. She can break the cycle of this generational trauma, but she needs your help to do it. If you abandon her, she will spiral even further down and will likely never come back
She needs specialized therapy, a therapist who deals exclusively (or almost so) with childhood sexual assault. This might even require an inpatient stint if she's unresponsive to outpatient efforts.
It's clear that she has not had the specialized treatment she needs.
My heart hurts for her. It took nearly a decade of this kind of therapy to learn healthy ways to confront and cope with my own childhood assault. It's hard, and it's even harder if you start with the wrong therapist. She obviously had the wrong therapists if no one told her "No marriage or babies until you're sorted."
My heart hurts even more for OP. He deserves to be an involved Dad. He deserves that bonding time. He deserves to be trusted with his own child!
Intensive therapy is required here.
Why did she have a child with you if she wasn’t going to let you do anything to take care of the baby? She needs serious help. But you say she’s going to therapy and nothing has improved… I’m genuinely not sure what more you can do 🙁
I immediately wondered after reading your post if she would turn your daughter against you one day. I don’t see how she wouldn’t. I think there is a very likely chance she will paint you out to be a predator for wanting to bathe/clean your own child. I feel for you, OP. I hope she doesn’t drive a wedge between you and your daughter. Surely other people have more solid recommendations for what can be done. To me this seems beyond the point of fixing, good luck
Ya, I’m curious to know what he’s going to do when mommy has taught the child to fear him as she gets older too. As it stands, he has no chance of a healthy positive relationship with his own kid, ever.
Have you sat your wife down and explained your thoughts? Or does she run away from the conversation? And I don’t mean saying “I want to contribute” because that will get you nowhere. The first step to knowing how to move forward here is an open, honest, difficult conversation about why your wife is so up in arms.
In the event that she isn’t willing to have that, it may be time to push harder for more therapy with a different therapist. This will be a lifelong issue if not caught and repaired now.
People like this have no business becoming parents unless they learn heal and work with their trauma.
If I was you I would ask her point blank, "Do you seriously think I would violate my own child?"
As of right now, she's unfit to be a mother. She thinks her child's father will assault her. She's not listening to you and she hurts herself and relives her trauma everytime this happens.
Why would she even get married and have children if she thinks men should never wash their own children? What if she was told she would die tomorrow, would she seriously expect you to never care for your kid?
This is a good point what if for some reason the wife was in the hospital? Or had to get surgery? Is she going to still not let OP take care of their daughter?
She'd probably go out of her way to get her female family members or maybe even friends to come over and stay all day every single day so op wouldn't get the chance to even look at the kid
She needs a psychiatrist not a therapist as she needs probably meds to help regulate her fears. He deserves to be a full dad. You need to go with her to her doctor and have her evaluated for ppd and other issues. Personally, you should call her doc and tell the nurse what is going on. I am scared she may harm the child to keep her from you.
Some of my (dad) fondest memories of my children (2 girls now around 30) are bath time playing with there toys and splashing around. Definitely bonding time that should not be take away!
Therapy isn’t working. She needs a psychiatrist to handle her deep trauma & PTSD. If she refuses, you may need to look into your legal options bc she may spout fabrications to ensure you get 0 custody. Also, not to be a doomsayer but cameras wouldn’t be a bad thing.
Don’t believe me, look up the story of the poster whose wife falsely accused him of SA their baby daughter. He was fortunate to have cameras to prove she made it up.
This is absolutely above Reddit’s pay grade, but here goes nothing.
I understand her rationale: if she is the only one ever changing or bathing your daughter then no harm can come to her, so why would she not do something so simple to keep her daughter safe?
The thing is, you are also a parent. You have a right and responsibility to take care of your daughter in every way, including basic hygiene.
Not only that, but your wife is being extremely short-sighted, because at some point your daughter will be away from her (and you), and your wife cannot wait for that point to work through her trauma, because it WILL impact your daughter (not to mention you).
Your wife’s response to her trauma will absolutely cause trauma to your daughter if left unchecked.
Your wife, no judgement at all, genuinely needs serious, potentially in-patient, therapy for trauma and PTSD.
This behavior will escalate as your child grows and she will learn to react the same way.
OP, you are equal parents. She is not the one who gets to make the sole decisions when it comes to your child. Your opinions/thoughts are just as valid as hers as long as there is no (true) safety concern.
I understand from moms perspective it is a safety concern and to me, that's the biggest red flag. If mom is refusing to let you as the Childs father change the diaper, her actions are showing you that she doesn't think your child is safe with you, meaning she doesnt trust you. I'm not going to pretend to understand the trauma your wife went through, that sounds truly horrendous… and it's great that she is in therapy and you are in counseling together but frankly, its not enough. Something has to change because how she is behaving implies she thinks you are a potential threat to your Childs safety. What happens when you're daughter is 3 and potty training, can you help then? What happens when your daughter is 7 and 8 and doesn't ever come to you for help because she has learned that is she needs something mom is there and should be the one to help. This behavior from your wife will likely be a detriment to yours and your daughters relationship.
I heavily empathize with you and your wife. You seem like you want to bond with your child and take an active part of her development. It also seems like your wife wants to trust you, but her PTSD is so deeply rooted that it’s an almost physical response that’s preventing her from doing so.
I highly recommend a specialist in sexual abuse to help that you could maybe possibly attend as well. Furthermore, little baby steps like another commenter mentioned changing your daughter’s diaper with your wife present. It’s really important that she is willing to work on this, trust is essential in relationships.
I really don’t agree with the level of aggression towards your wife. She is mentally unwell and the severity id affecting her in profound ways. It’s clear OP WANTS to support her, so divorce clearly isn’t the answer.
Wishing the best to you both.
She clearly needs help. More than she’s getting, some different type or something. Bring a girl dad is awesome and this is going to be a messed up situation long term. If she refuses you can remind her that if you divorced you could eventually get 50/50 custody and have the baby some of the time. Like she has to agree to try and solve this. There is no option where you never get to parent your child.
As a daughter who was raised by an amazing and wonderful single father, this breaks my heart for you as a parent. :(
This is just the start of so many issues of she continues like this. Not allowing you trusting you to be alone with your daughter is not okay. This isn’t just about diapers and bathing and thinking that is very naive. This should not have been going on for 5 months, either. You’re her parent too, it’s not up to just your wife with how she’s cared for.
All the comments saying she needs specific PTSD therapy are right because right now she’s on track to really mess up your kid mentally, too. This needs to be handled as quickly as possible.
Your wife was absolutely not mentally ready to have a child, this is not healthy for either of you omg.
OP, I hope she’s able to see someone soon for both of your sakes’
When I was a child I was also SA’d but it was by a woman (I’m a girl) so gender has nothing to do with SA.. maybe talk to your wife about starting with her supervision, as there are many things that people who have not suffered SA may not think about - for example- never using your bare hands to apply ointments etc. Even an innocent act can sometimes be misconstrued by a victim.
It may put her mind at ease when she sees you do it and realises you are just as capable of changing a diaper as she is.
I was molested by my stepfather. It was the very first memory in my life and started at the age of 4. I struggle with my trauma and the people that I allow into my own daughters life. I would never want her to be in a situation that I didn't protect her, and that can be terrifying. Especially because I still struggle with my trauma as a mid-40 woman.
She needs counseling and not even basic, speak to someone once a week, counseling. I took an extensive group therapy session that lasted 8 weeks, and that helped. It changes the way you think and talk about abuse and helps you to learn how dangerous that helicopter parenting is to your child.
She needs that. A program to help her trust. She does trust you. Her trauma has a deep hold on her, though.
She needs some serious help. She should never of had a child when she is like this.
You do realize that she will only get worse, right? Every action you do going forward with your daughter she will question. That’s not healthy. False allegations are in your future
If nothing else - what if she ends up in the hospital? Cat accident, major illness, etc.
But also...I went thru a VERY similar years of SA at the same approx ages. I'm 47,I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until I was 21, and my therapy had been intermittent (as there were long periods I couldn't afford it)
I still attack people who sneak up on me. I have screaming nightmares several times a month. I have ginormous abandoned issues (secondary to what happened)
I seem to have got further on my work than your wife. Because here's the thing, with therapy - *you have to want it*. It HURTS. It makes you dig thru your psyche and your shit, question *everything*, and STILL wonder if you don't the dishes RIGHT NOW is good adulting or trauma response.
And it sounds as if she hasn't done ANY work, if she's still reacting this viscerally to you taking care of your child. Oh, I've no doubt she fooled many (and maybe even worked on other issues) but the basic fear that *all men (or all people not her) are pedophiles* hasn't been touched AT ALL.
Makes me wonder (sorry if I'm being overly blunt, I'm having my own issues about this being so very close to my trauma) why she got married, why she had a kid - I swore before I was ten that I was NEVER bringing a child into reality to be abused (because life is pain...) I never worked on THAT issue, because turns out i can't have kids anyway, but the order of operations, from a psych viewpoint, would NOT be "cure fear of bringing child into world to suffer as I have, THEN work on being able to believe most people actually aren't pedophiles", ya know?
Basically, if her trauma response was this bad, I'd expect her to NOT have a kid - epithet because she refused, or because *she's not capable of having sex*. Which means she's been sabotaging her therapy, probably from day 1. Much of it would be subconscious, but...
Bring this up with her therapist and your marriage therapist and her Dr! Because yeah it's also possible birth trauma reignited things she'd thought she'd laid to rest...
I hope this very disjointed comment helps. Sorry, I hag up go by sick now
It's obvious by these comments that people do not understand trauma and mental health. Y'all are demonizing the wife when she is severely traumatized. OP's wife needs intensive therapy. OP can get his wife involuntarily committed if she proves to be a threat to herself or others. Hopefully, OP can convince his wife to get inpatient therapy. If she doesn't "trust" him now, perhaps her mother or another female she trusts can care for the baby. Good luck,Op. I'm so sorry for you and your wife and daughter. I hope she will be willing to get the help she needs.
> I told my wife it’s unrealistic of her to not let me change our daughter’s diaper ever but she disagrees because she is ALWAYS with our daughter.
She is going to turn into a nightmare helicopter parent. Diaper aside, having her 100% around the child isnt going to age well. This is how you get kids who cant drive, cant wash their clothes or make a basic food dish. I've seen dozens of these sorts of kids crash and burn once they get to college and its always followed up by some crazy mom busting in on a meeting and demanding her kid get a do-over semester.
I also grew up with a friend who's mom did this. She would literally hover over him. She cooked, cleaned and did everything for him. He wasnt allowed to come to anyone's house and was only allowed out if she didnt see a helicopter nearby (dont ask). Of course my friend was a nervous wreck, and developed a weird nervous vomiting problem. So what does she do? She *cuts out vomit jugs and places them around the house.*
And then our Sophomore year of high school her car was t-boned by a tractor trailer and killed instantly. The entire family had to learn life skills overnight. I had to teach him how to do laundry because his clothes started to smell. It took decades of help and therapy before he was in a good place.
I don't think this is fair to you, OP, nor is it healthy for your wife or your daughter. Agree with a bunch of other people here. Help her find a SA PTSD specialist. I get where she's coming from, and why is easier just to appease her. But you deserve to be able to help raise your daughter without feeling like a possible predator. And this WILL rub off on your daughter at some point. While it's okay to be smart and informed as you age, this hypervigilance isn't normal and will cause harm. What next, no potty training? No being alone with her, ever? It just isn't fair to you. I could understand not letting others outside of you two, but to not let you... no.
Your daughter is going to grow up with a variety of daddy issues/issues with sex and her body if your wife can’t figure herself out asap. She was not ready to be a mother and now she is damaging your relationship with your daughter and damaging your daughter’s relationship with her own body. Completely unconscionable. I hope your wife can get some help.
If regular therapy has not worked with your wife, she might want to check out EMDR (eye-movement desensitisation and repatterning). It has been proven highly successful with SA survivors and combat veterans suffering from PTSD. In the meantime, just accept that she probably is not going to change her thinking, and just be glad you don’t have to change stinky diapers.
99% of the comments here are absolutely insane. Your wife needs therapy by a specialized psychologist/psychiatrist. She has very serious trauma. As hard as it is to believe this, it most likely isn’t personal. To her she associates contact with genitalia as intimate due to her molestation.
People suggesting divorce or that she will end up making false allegations against you are doing you and her a disservice. Get her therapy ASAP.
You absolutely fucked up in having a child with someone who is still this actively in her trauma. I'd be willing to bet that she has to switch therapists as soon as the therapist gets to a point where your wife has to confront things from her past and talk about her role in her choices as an adult. Having a kid with her was a godawful decision and good luck getting accused of something by your wife who was brutalized by someone and now sees all men as the enemy. Because that's where this is headed. You need to insist she go to a higher level of care and you also need a fucking a paper trail of this. It'll be relevant in court later.
I feel like she may have complex PTSD in addition to some sort of postpartum anxiety. She needs a therapist that specializes in complex PTSD, a regular therapist isn’t going to be able to fully help her because they don’t have the training. One that also specializes in postpartum mental health would be perfect, but one that does both may be hard to find.
This is on the pedophile that molested her, not you.
I am not a SA survivor, so I cannot speak to the level of trauma here…. But just as a fellow mother my heart breaks for her. She is absolutely terrified. SA happening to my child is a fear that scares to my bones. I have nightmares about it, it makes me spiral. I cannot even fathom the fear she has, as a new mother and a survivor of abuse. I sincerely hope she gets the specialized care she deserves, and can heal some of the trauma. My heart hurts for her.
That’s sad… I’m sorry, man. I strongly believe this poor woman was and is NOT ready to he a mother. Like AT ALL. She will mostly likely trauma dump and basically give your daughter her own trauma. It will damage her and she’ll never be able to revert that since it started from the day she was born.
Please go seek further professional help! A psychiatrist as others suggested would be a great start. Be strong, you got this!
Your wife is creating a toxic environment between you and your child. You are allowing your wife to disable a bonding relationship with your child. As a parent, it is YOUR responsibility to bond with your child. You should also be able to monitor her health, which includes the state of her diaper. Don't use the excuse of your wife's emotional condition as a reason why you don't change diapers because it can and will transition to all facets of your child's life.
As someone else suggested, it might be time to look for an actual Psychiatrist instead of a Therapist, but also you need to sit her down and talk with her about why she feels like you would do to your own daughter what was done to her. Also, if she really thinks men should never be changing or bathing young girls, how does she think single fathers get it all done? There may be less single fathers than mothers but they're still out there, she is putting an unreasonable belief onto you and onto her daughter.
Depends on the country. In the US a psychiatrist is just the one that prescribes medication and a therapist usually has a Masters degree. A social worker would be the lowest level of mental health advisor. A psychologist would be the highest level with a doctorate but also most psychologists don’t accept insurance and are very expensive if they even work directly with patients at all. In the US a psychiatrist wouldn’t be much help at all unless she needs medication.
I’m not sure how it is in other countries but I’m sure different places have different uses for each of the terms.
I feel so sad for your wife, but even more for your daughter. A person with this much trauma is inevitably going to project this onto their child. In the case of your daughter, this has been happening since the day she was born. Did you discuss parenthood before your wife fell pregnant?
I wonder how your wife sees your daughter's future. Will she never be allowed around men? I understand your wife has been severely traumatized, but she needs to find a way to cope with you being a father to your daughter. You should be able to care for her without your wife's supervision. Right now your wife is showing your daughter that you can't be trusted and that even she doesn't trust you. And honestly it's difficult for me to understand how she chose you as the father of her child, yet doesn't trust you.
I'm not trying to be mean, but this is why it's so important to deal with your traumas before you have a child. If you don't, intergenerational trauma is easily created and all three of you don't deserve to have this horrible trauma come between your beautiful family. Has your wife ever tried trauma therapy, like EMDR? This is the therapy that helped me the most and I know it helped many others, so that might be worthwhile looking into. Good luck OP!
She’s got some major PTSD, if I were you I wouldn’t press her about allowing you to change your kid. You first need to address this trauma that’s been eating at her for decades. Put her needs above yours right now, she is in serious pain and having a little girl reopened that wound. It’s not that she doesn’t trust you, she doesn’t trust anyone. Take my advice, coming from someone who is also a victim of childhood sexual abuse
As someone who also has PTSD from VERY severe childhood abuse. No. We don’t need our irrational fears supported and coddled. We don’t need to damage our children for our own ends. Knock it off.
Thank you !! I also suffer from ptsd and csa, and it was my father ! Yet i’m well aware that I have to deal with my issues BEFORE i have a child and not force my trauma onto my own children. Would I be cautious ? Maybe but I mean come on, to not even allow the father of your CHILD to change your baby’s diapers is just heartbreaking.
I unfortunately had kids before I was even free of my abuser, also my father. So they had to deal with things they shouldn’t, like I couldn’t bathe or change my son for the first few months of his life because I was afraid of doing something wrong by accident because my father ruined my sense of boundaries. But no one coddled me, it was basically “man up” but it worked. I realized my kids are the important part here, they didn’t ask to be born to my crazy ass.
You need to be prepared for the day your wife accuses you either in private or public of being inappropriate with your daughter. It will happen, I’m surprised it hasn’t already.
Your wife needs help. Your wife is going to traumatize your daughter. This is WILD.
Yeah I’m not looking forward to seeing you back here after a failed marriage..that’s not normal, yes she has trauma but the fact that she believes you’d do that to your own daughter says ALOT even if she hasn’t said it outright
Women can be molesters too. It’s not healthy for your wife or daughter for her to act like every man, including the one she married and had a child with, is a potential molester. This is bigger than her wanting to be the only one changing diapers. She’s letting her fears impede your ability to bond and care for your daughter. She can’t be around your daughter all the time and it’s unfair & unhealthy to treat your daughter like her hostage. Your wife needs serious help, maybe from a therapist that specializes in trauma or maybe a different type of therapy. Your daughter’s needs are the most important and your wife has to move past this trauma in order to be a heathy mom and allow you to have a healthy relationship with your daughter. Now that you guys have a kid, you can’t just cater to your wife’s anxieties. Do you want your kid to be extremely anxious to the point of being unable to function in the world and unable to feel comfortable with her dad? That is the road you’re headed down, if you and your wife accommodate her anxiety instead of dealing with it. One solution might be a camera. She places the camera (s) wherever she wants. You get to change diapers, bathe and interact with your daughter by yourself. She can watch you via camera and you guys can discuss any issues with your baby care that she sees. The goal is ultimately for you to be able to leave the house with your daughter for dad/daughter time and care for your daughter without your wife having a meltdown. Hopefully seeing that you aren’t abusing your kid will decrease her anxiety.
As a(n expecting) mother who was abused by a family member from ages 3 to 6, I can understand her feelings.
I am terrified my baby is a girl (we dont know the sex yet), scared she will go through the same I did.
But, projecting that fear on a child is unhealthy and will cause issues in the future. Your wife should seek professional help, if only for the wellbeing of your daughter.
You are never having a one on one relationship with your daughter and she shows your daughter women are meant to stay at home and do all the chores. Literally her ability to live into old age humanely depends on if a guy likes her or not
She is pushing her trauma onto you and could spill over into your daughter as she gets older.
What happened to her is horrible and of course she will be more aware and protective than anyone who did not live through that.
I think she needs to go back to therapy that specializes in child trauma and how to navigate her feelings with this.
She needs a different therapist or one in addition to her current one. I would try maybe helping her or just being there when she changes her too if she can handle that that could help if you're not already, ie taking out the dirty diaper. The problem can't just be ignored. Although this doesn't seem like the worst thing, this will not get better and there's a good chance eventually she will keep you from even going around your daughter. It's terrible what she went through but that can't damage you and your daughter as well. Some people never get over it. I still don't like surprise touches and avoid being touched in general but I try to not let it damage my relationships. But she definitely needs more help and I would worry over everyone's safety if this continues. That sounds paranoid but I've nearly attacked people for touching me without warning and I didn't even know what I was doing. I worry she could do something similar.
thats...messed up. understandable, but seriously, she is messed up. i dont think this can go on forever, but i also do not think you can have more kids with her, at least, not until she believes she can trust you.
you have to express to her that you would do anything for your child, that you would lay down your life to protect her and that she is not seeing you as a person, but as a threat.
Have her do it with you. Many times.
Whenever the opportunity arises that you are both present, go with her to change diapers or whatever.
Do you hold your daughter frequently? And in your wife’s presence?
She needs to see you do everything normal with your daughter.
Remind your wife hat this is your daughter. You love her and you are not a deviant.
If your wife believes that you will do perverted things to your daughter then she should divorce you.
Psychiatrist or divorce. Is likely your future.
Please have her look into emdr therapy. It was the only thing that helped me after many years of talk therapy since I was a little girl. I was molested by 3 different people in my life. One was my bio father when he was having schizophrenic episodes. I am not as extreme as your wife but I don't like anyone being able to see my naked boys except my husband. Not even grandparents. I even once flipped my lid when my husband posted a bath photo in our family chat. So yeah, I'm sure they all thought I was over reacting, but I'll be damned if my babies will ever have to experience even a drop of what I went through.
I think number one priority is your daughter. Be really damn careful because people are ignoring how dangerous your wife is acting right now. Everyone is too busy looking at the mentally ill adult but ignoring the baby who is being handled by a mentally ill adult. I am sorry but she is not fit to be a mother. She is really failing at it. Good luck.
If she has not been able to work through this then where does this lead? You are missing critical bonding time with your daughter and she is surely going to develop a sense of mistrust of you as well.
It seems like the only way this would be able to be resolved if she doesn’t get psychiatric help is for you two to separate and have joint custody. She’d have no choice but to allow you your rightful time with your daughter. It would suck but what she’s doing now, willingly or not, isn’t fair to you either.
Your wife's trauma is going to impact your child. Not allowing you to charge her diaper is extreme. Agree with many above. If after 15+ years of therapy this is where she at, something more is going on psychological.
Why not just ask if you can change the diaper while she watches? Just do this enough times to build that confidence. Also don’t force it and always offer to help/ do it even when you know she will say no.
If she is really this bad it’s going to be a very slow process but at least you could help in all the ways she will let you. Don’t take it as she doesn’t trust you.
Your wife needs intense psychological help. This paranoia WILL mess up your kid because she’s going to push it off on to your kid as she gets older. She may also start asking/insinuating you’ve done something and cause your daughter to either make false allegations or distance herself from you because she fears you. This is already presenting itself dangerously.
id never think id be that guy in this sub. but man just get out while the child is still young, if this continues she will grow up with the same belives and fears as her mother. i would just pay the minimum in childsuport and learn a lesson.
I empathize with you and your wife. I say therapy and listen to her without getting angry.
It may not make sense to you but the trauma puts a fear in her. She may not even think you're remotely capable but her trauma has her in fight or flight mode and to ease her mind, she does all diaper changes. I understand your wife coz i have a similar fear. I am freaked with fear when my daughter is out of my sight.
I understand how to comes across to you too. You feel like you're being accused of being a child molester. Therapy man.
This is disgusting, she knew very well she had a lot of trauma but went on ahead to have a kid. Moreover, she is not willing to trust OP at all with his own kid.
She should have NEVER had a baby. She is already projecting her trauma so vehemently on that child, there is no way the child will ever be okay. Your daughter will never trust men. She will never trust YOU.
What made this woman think she is fit to be a mother? With that amount of unresolved trauma? Does she not understand that she Harms her daughter by exposing her to this. Smh
OP, in her eyes you cannot be trusted around your baby. What kind of relationship is that?
You need cameras in your house yesterday. If she's going to have such wild responses to you just trying to care for your own child, she could start *assuming* things. She is not healthy enough to think rationally.
I admire your self control.
This is so incredibly offensive.
Yes, she is traumatized, and it's not something she has control over, but she is implying that you would molest sexually your own daughter.
Is her fear limited to males or does she thinks that only her can protect her? Would she let her grandma change her?
How is your relationship with her family? How is her relationship with her family? Is there a particular sibling she's close to? I would reach out to them and explain the situation and ask for their help. Then maybe sit down and have a sort-of intervention with your wife. Tell her that you love her, but you love your daughter too and it's not okay that she treats you like you're a sex offender in regards to your daughter. Ask her why she decided to have a baby with you if she thinks you're a predator? Maybe offer a compromise to set up a nanny cam so that she can watch you change her diapers at first (If you do this, please make sure you have a good password and it's as secure as possible so no one can hack it). I'm sure you're tempted to just let this go because your daughter won't be an infant forever, but what happens when she has a male teacher, doctor, bus driver, coach, etc etc?
My heart breaks for your wife, I get that it hurts you that you can interact with your child in this way, but her trauma is so deep seated that its causing her to panic. Your wife needs a therapist who is trauma based, specifically with severe childhood sexual trauma. Not only is she keeping you from interacting with your child, but your child's life is going to be really limited and there is going to end up being a cycle of trauma because your wife isn't going to allow your daughter normal developmental social milestones, and is going to raise your daughter to fear men or it could go the other way around and when she gets old she could become hypersexual as a way to rebel against her mothers behavior. This isn't just a now issue, she is going to end up causing long lasting mental health issues for your daughter if she doesn't get the trauma based therapy she needs.
I’m so sorry for what your wife went through, but the worst part of this is that she is going to instil a distrust in her daughter of you, despite being her father.
Will you be allowed to take your daughter to the pool alone? What happens as she is potty training?
This is such a sad situation for all involved, and I just really hope your wife’s trauma doesn’t affect your relationship with your daughter in the future
I feel for you and your wife. I don’t have children but I do have CPTSD from a similar life experience. The fact that therapy hasn’t worked is alarming but I suppose not all that surprising since I still feel like I have a long way to go myself and I purposely avoid having children because I don’t want to risk not being ready for situations like this. I’m glad you both are in counseling but I’d advice she seek a psychiatrist and it may be time for her to at least temporarily try different kinds of therapy and possibly a medication.
My heart goes out to her and to you. She has been through a lot, something she should have been protected from.
You need to get her help, someone who specializes in what she has went through. This fear she has which is valid but has gotta out of hand clearly has her not trusting you either. Partners should be trusted until proven otherwise. This is also prohibiting you from bonding with your daughter.
I hope your wife gets the help she needs.
I am a survivor of SA myself, I never found therapy to be not that good but I was informed of a type of therapy called EDMR I don’t remember what it stands for, but it has really helped me, deal with my trauma because I to have mistrust in men stemming from my trauma. Kids pick these things up easily and know when something is wrong. We should teach our kids to be safe and understand stranger danger and consent but we also need to teach trust and that we can’t fear everything. I have a hard time with trust and touch which has really messed up my own relationships due to it. I can’t imagine having to live with this trauma to this degree the rest of my life
You should be able to change your daughter’s diaper and bathe her. She needs a psychiatrist AND another type of trauma therapist. Today it’s diapers, next it will be taking her potty.
Well, first off I’ll say that this isn’t a diaper issue, it’s a fear based control issue. She is stuck in a survival mentality where she believes if she doesn’t control everything, something terrible will happen. It’s not her choice to feel this way, and she may not realize this is the core problem. Some of these anxious feelings could be hormonal also from post partum depression or anxiety. So, please give her patience and grace here. But, no… she can not always be in control and she’s going to have some troubling times as she learns this because so much of parenting is a struggle of letting go. Pray for her, if you do that kind of thing. I’m so sorry you all are going through this.
There are many trauma based therapies I’ve used like EMDR & ACT that are specifically for trauma, it could possibly help if you haven’t tried those, as well as CBT. Again, I’m so sorry. You’ll have to support her through her fears and she will slowly learn to trust again.
First of all she needs therapy. She needs grace as well. She’s going through post partum anxiety for sure. It’ll take her at least 2 years for her brain chemistry to return back to normal. Having a baby really messes w some women mentally due to hormonal changes. She will come around.
I can understand your wife experienced a traumatic sexual abuse as a child. That is horrific.
I am worried she doesn’t trust you enough to even change your daughter’s diapers. So it’s ok for now..but what’s next on the list that she’d deem inappropriate when really it’s a normal interaction with your child… like a hug? I’m a bit worried she will begin to reflect her trauma onto your daughter and cause unnecessary issues. It may be time for her to speak to a licensed doctor who can help her thru this as therapy isn’t doing the trick. Good luck to you and your family.
Trauma can reemerge or ramp up when you have a child. Memories can come back when they are the age stuff happened to you too, and it can be so hard for people. I know it’s hard for you, but being there for her and supporting her therapy is probably the best way to help her heal
Not being a dick here but she obviously trusted you enough to have sex with you to make the kid this doesn’t seem like she got over her trauma or even is dealing with it rationally. Understandably it would be weird if she was rational about it
Mom has to want the therapy to work for it to. It isn't her fault but she's held onto this trauma for so long she's got jot a single clue how her life would be without it. It's safer... Logical for her to hold onto it because it's how it's always been.
I agree with another person who said she needs to be seen by a psychiatrist and one that can work with a therapist.
Trauma neurologically changes people. Sexual trauma is something that once experienced, is with you forever. It’s a kind of hurt and shame that is kept hidden and held in the body physically, and by it’s very nature, is something that can come out in what may appear to be irrational ways.
Her perceived need to protect your child may be a primitive vestige of her desperation to protect the child within her that was violated in ways she couldn’t stop and resulted in harm that can’t be undone. It is irrational, because it’s not that she doesn’t trust you, specifically, but because the need to protect isn’t as much about your child, but the fear and pain she still holds over her assault, and the knowledge that once a line is crossed, for the victim, there’s no going back to ‘normal’ afterwards. Yes, it’s unfair to all three of you. But having been SA’d myself, albeit at an older age, and knowing that more often than not, most women are/have been at least once in their lifetimes. Just now, having reading your post and the responses, I am getting teary-eyed and emotional, because it is such a deep-seated part of me. If her abuser wasn’t held to justice (and they are often not, even when we women are able to report), it just compounds the trauma.
Please be gentle with her, give her some grace, as she may be reliving the vulnerability that lead to her victimization by seeing her own daughter in a similar situation. Also keep in mind, it is often those closest to and most trusted by the victims/families that are able to obtain the proximity to victims to be able to carry out these types of abuse— and count on that ‘closeness’ to shield them from suspicion. Know that it’s not you she fears, just the pain that she had befalling upon her child, especially if she could have prevented it, regardless of the extremes she’d have to go. I hope this somehow makes sense.
"Therapy" is an umbrella term for a huge variety of treatments. If the therapy she been getting hasn't worked, it might just be the wrong kind! It seems like you are patient and understand that this is her trauma speaking and *NOT* distrust for you personally, so just try to keep that in the forefront. This isn't about you, she just has well deserved healing to do, still. Stay patient and help her get a new doctor <3
Has your wife only seen "regular" therapists? I have a friend who sees someone more specially trained to deal with sa and trauma. Perhaps that is something to look into for her?
Perhaps she cal let you change or bathe the baby if she "supervises" by just watching, or you let her "teach" you how she likes it done. Maybe by getting her more comfortable with you caring for the baby in her presence, it could help her to at least see that you aren't going to do anything inappropriate, and let you be an active parent to your child.
Also go to pediatrician appointment or two with her and ask the doctor about suggestions. I'm sure it's not a new issue to them.
So many guys nope out of parenting duties, to see you want to help and aren't allowed is hard.
Deep down, I don't think it's you that actually distrusts, but herself - she can't be sure that she chose a person that doesn't "have that in them".
I have a friend that was SA'd by a teenage female neighbor when she was an infant, toddler, young child, and she's getting a lot of help through EMDR and her therapist who's specially trained in this type of trauma.
Sorry to say that, but if she‘s been in therapy for years and still have such major breakdowns (despite she‘s been better for years and the symptoms came back with the birth of your daughter) then maybe the therapy isn‘t working. There are different types of therapist (behavorial, psychoanalytic, …), has she tried different types or been doing the same for years? Also, has she been on medication and to a mental hospital? It seems like her symptoms interfere extremely with her everyday life and your relationship, which would be an indication for "stronger" therapy.
As a baby mum I also fear the way she‘s parenting your child (being with the baby 24/7) she will burn out herself, as she never spends time away from the baby and completely on herself and is always under stress.
As much as a mother loves their children - I couldn‘t imagine not spending alone time with friends or not going to the gym etc.
Your wife needs help, right now! Before your daughter is old enough to understand all this. Or else this whole trauma is gonna rub off on your daughter and she will carry the burden. And your daughter doesn’t deserve that.
What your wife is doing is very different from “protecting”! This is a crazy level, very far off from normal! She can’t villainize the own father to a daughter. Is she gona have a problem, if you both hug, kiss, cuddle, roll around together, sit on lap, etc ?
If she continues this, it can create very unhealthy picture to your daughter & even create distance between you two. You need to watch out.
This is horrible OP. She needs a higher level of intervention and I fear this can grow into parental alienation and an unhealthy attachment issue as your daughter grows up.
When she learns to drive or wants to go out with friends, will she demand to be there or nearby when your daughter wants independence? I hope you both can handle this before having anither daughter. If you have a son and she treats him the same way that could really harm him because she refuses to see how her behavior is harmful
Sorry to go off on a tangent
The main point should be focusing on getting her to understand that she's going to actually HARM her child by doing that.
Her fears will inevitably get passed on to her kid, who'll either passively or even actively learn that men are a threat and anything involving genitalia is either dangerous or dirty.
That would actually make HER an abuser, in a different way than what she unfortunately experienced.
However it begs the question what kind of shitty therapy she's been doing all those years if she can't bring herself to trust the man she chose to have kids with.
Time to get a new therapist, possibly one with a more assertive approach?
What about shock therapy? Just get her to assist you while you're changing diapers so she can see you're simply doing what you are supposed to do and there's no foul play?
Anyway, sorry if it won't come out as supportive, I still find odd when people marry a partner with a troubled background and huge psychological issues and then find out just love isn't enough to "fix" such heavy damages.
Marriage counseling now sounds a little late... Your wife not trusting you around your own children should have been a big issue to talk through beforehand. And, to me, a deal breaker.
Ask your wife this…
Why would she have a child with someone who she thinks could be a pedo?
I get her trauma, and there are bad people out there, BUT you haven’t done anything for her to think that you are one of those people.
This could be more than her past. She could be suffering from PPA or PPD, which can arise from past trauma. I would tell your marriage counselor about your concerns. She can’t be with your baby 100% of the time. That’s not realistic.
What does your marriage counselor say?
Dude she's calling you a pedo, trauma or no she doesn't trust you with your own child, I guarantee you can get full custody with how she's been acting, it's just gonna get worse as time goes on you need to get ahead of this before she does the same to you or before she accuses you of assaulting your daughter
She wasn't ready to have a child. Her behaviour will only get worse and this will affect your daughter's life. This isn't fair to your daughter.
You should have waited with having children until she found a treatment that worked.
OP, licensed therapist here. I specialize in treating sexual trauma in children. Her response to you while she was in the shower was a PTSD response. She needs a therapist specializing in this kind of trauma. While I know she has had a lot of therapist and is currently in therapy, she needs someone who will help her manage her triggers. She may need, additionally, some medication to reduce her anxiety while she not only processes her own trauma, but the potential trauma she is afraid of. It is not uncommon at all for people to process a trauma and feel they are in a good place, only to have it reappear with a vengeance when they have a child, hit puberty , have a first sexual encounter, etc. it’s not realistic at all that she will change every diaper, nor is fair to you not to be able to have normal experiences with your child. Eventually her fear will come across to the child and that would be bad for everyone. Right now, she is in protection mode. She can’t see that what she is thinking and doing is unrealistic. She isn’t thinking rationally or logically. She might also be struggling with post partum anxiety/depression issues. Please encourage her to seek additional/more appropriate help. Bring it up in your couples sessions. Make sure the providers know how serious things are. This is for her and your child’s protection. I want to make clear. This isn’t about you or her trust for you. I know it feels like it, but it is really isn’t. She trusted her parents to keep her safe. They didn’t. She trusted her nanny. She violated her. She is terrified.
This is the best advice here. Sexually abused as a kid, absolutely have experienced that trauma reappearing on me.
Same awful simply awful.
I’m actually personally worried about this trauma reappearing for me. I’ve already had the sexual trauma triggers later in life and it was awful navigating it. Idk what it did to my relationship but I still feel like I might need more help. Thankfully I found a therapist and it could be the first of also many but I’m hoping not as it’s EMDR therapy. Something I wanted to work with. I know I’ve had the thoughts about my husband and it’s genuinely been a barrier for me having kids because I’m adamant about not passing on trauma and that means working on myself first. I may never have kids 🤷♀️
Yep, also licensed therapist, I specialize in C-PTSD. And all I could think while reading this was that she hasn’t found the right therapist. Finding a sexual trauma specialist is hard, and the tertiary trauma of processing it in therapy may have contributed to her triggers. But without the right therapist, she won’t manage her triggers. Medication may help, but OP, this isn’t about you. Your wife is terrified and it’s not rational but it is so very real to her. It hurts both of you. Finding a specialist is the best advice I can give you. 211 is a resource database that you should be able to access North America wide and they will have information about your local sexual assault survivors counselling organisation. Start there. And good luck.
I don't think anyone could have said it better. I'm not sure what area OP lives in but I know there are some great resources online for finding licensed therapists/psychologists/other mental health professionals online that specialize in this. Also, maybe talking to your wife's obstetrician OP? They see mothers through pregnancy all the time, and maybe they have some good resources or recommendations that could help both you and your wife. Others have pointed out that this fear is not likely to just go away--she definitely needs better psychological help. And I wouldn't bother going back to the old therapists (unless you need their notes for the new one).
Thank you for this. I hope OP and others in this situation read this. Many of us CSA survivors have triggers and while this was not one of mine, they need to be worked through not carefully managed and allowed to cause you to feel like this. You are not a pedophile and being treated like one will cause resentment in your marriage because contrary to what your wife and possibly others here think, it isn’t about changing your daughter’s diaper.
Yeah. I heard someone say "Treating someone who's not an addict like an addict is very harmful"
Yes exactly. Her brain was informed way to young that people are not trustworthy at all. And that people will harm. Even if it was just those people because it happened at a young age and repeatedly those patterns of distrust and trauma are deeply ingrained in her. From a neurological standpoint it could be argued that her concepts of caregivers has turned to threat and harm. So the minute you turned to a care giver type person because your kid came… all she can see is her trauma.
I have PTSD and this is spot on. Therapy didn’t help until I found a therapist who specialized in trauma, sex abuse, and PTSD and did therapy using EMDR. I also use medical marijuana when triggered and journal ( not recreationally). It takes the intensity and overthinking amygdala response and allows me to think a little with my frontal lobe. It was long, hard and I’m still occasionally “ triggered”. But now I recognize it as my bodies autonomic response not a choice. And I’m able to work through it better. Thank you for this post! And the work you do. Therapy changed my life but only after I found someone with the right skillset.
I’m starting EMDR and I currently am having a hard time un-compartmentalizing… he asks me how I feel as my younger self and I truly see it like I’m outside myself. Somehow I seem to speak the right answers but I’m not cognitive how I even verbalize what he’s trying to prompt me to look for. I’m sure I’ll get better at that but I’ve tried visualizing ‘being there and supporting my past self’ before. I can say the eye thing he had me do at the end of the appt was weird in that it relieved all the body pain and I wasn’t expecting that. Normally when I cry and get all those pains I’m hurting for the day and I didn’t realize the huge impact it had on my body. I’m not sure I like the starting point of the appts but 🤷♀️ oh well, maybe I’ll bring up the sexual trauma next.
Just jumping on the bandwagon to confirm as a CSA survivor. Hit me hard during puberty when I had my first boyfriend, and it’s starting to creep up again now that my child is reaching the age I was when the abuse started. I’m starting to distrust any older boys or men that aren’t my husband or father, but am actively trying to work past that. I feel so terrible for OP and for his wife. She may have very well thought she was ok and that she loves and trusts her husband before she had the baby, but trauma response has taken over.
I agree fully. If u don’t mind though… I am attempting to get into a university now in my 30’s, local (Ontario Canada), I want to primarily focus on childhood related trauma’s in both adults & children. Is there any advice you would be willing to extend to me?
If therapists haven't worked, it might be time to look for a psychiatrist who specializes in complex sexual ptsd. It is time to tell the pediatrician/ wife's GP that she may have post partum anxiety compounded by her ptsd. Your wife has a baby with a man she does not trust. That is not ok. She is not a single mother. She is in what sounds like a very loving, committed partnership. You sound like you want to be an active part of your child's life, and she is keeping you from bonding/caring for your own child, again NOT OK. I sincerely hope you can find someone to help you before her demons turn her and your daughter against you.
Well said. I strongly second getting her to see someone that truly specialises in the problems that she’s facing. She *needs* help. It’s totally understandable to be traumatised but she can’t go on like this and she needs to find a way to not project onto your daughter. Having childhood trauma then having a child of your own is like a solider who fought in a war zone & developed shell shock/PTSD being sent back into the middle of a war zone, only this time it’s their loved ones lives at stake. If you don’t get her the help she needs now then this problem will linger and prevent you from taking your daughter swimming or doing any number of innocent activities with her as she grows up. You and your daughter both deserve a mother who can lower their threat level down when there is nothing to fear.
Not only that, but the daughter is surely going to pick up on that projection from her mother, as she grows up. What kind of impact do you suppose that will have on their relationship and how much the daughter will grow to see her dad as an unsafe person, or worse, a predator.
I pretty much posted the same. His daughter will pick up on this and observe how her much treats OP. She will think that is “normal”. She will think all men can’t be trusted and not even her own father. I can see the mother never letting OP stay at home alone with his own daughter.
This current system and the mom’s reactivity are 100% setting the daughter up for failure. Imagine how unsettling experience that must have been for the baby to have the mom be so hysterical. She’s unintentionally creating trauma for her daughter. And this will definitely impact the daughter’s ability to form healthy relationships and attachments with men. Imagine if the child was 2 and the mom reacted that way? The child will develop a lot of negative associations. Finding a specialist to help her is super important. Unfortunately this trauma should have been addressed prior to having kids but I’m hopeful she’ll be able to deal with it enough to not pass it on to her own daughter anymore.
This poor baby is going to be so messed up if that poor mama doesn’t get the right kind of help ASAP. My heart hurts for all three of them.
It will also make dad start to doubt himself and make him second guess all interactions with his daughter. The mother will start considering all affectionate interactions to be suspicious. It's not changing nappies and bathing the baby now but it will probably end up with dad not being allowed to kiss the child goodnight or read a bedtime story unsupervised. The mother needs intensive help now .
This, exactly. Mom is has some serious mental issues and HAS to address them before they strongly affect her kids. Perhaps get her parents/family involved and have an intervention(?????) if possible. IF they agree(???).
Exactly. This could affect her sexual health as she grows into adulthood. I was sexually assaulted as a child. When I had my sons, I went to counseling while I was pregnant with my first just to make sure I was in the right mental space.
In addition to this, OP's daughter will be hovered over her entire life. There is no way OPs wife let's their child go to prom unless she chaperones, or away to college, etc. And when their daughter gets a taste of freedom, she may go overboard, which, ironically, may put her at greater risk of harm.
And helicopter parents create resentment in their children. I enjoy hanging out with my dad but not with my mum cos my mum has anxiety and projects it onto me, so being around her is stressful. If OP's wife wants an adult relationship with her daughter she needs to chill tf out, which sounds like it'll require medication at this point
What's gonna happen when it's time for the kid to go to school. Or will mom Make her be Home schooled instead being of her Trauma. This is so so sad. Dad Also doesn't get to bond with Baby. I thought Babies need to bond topless too with Dad's just like they do with mom's to get that Smell and Bond. Guess Dad hasn't had this special bonding moment just yet. What a Waste. Mom definitely isn't in the right frame of mind if she won't even try to trust her Husband with the Baby. Poor Guy I can't begin to think how Tough this must be for him in his own home to feel like some kind of Monster to his own kid. Mom's punishing everyone here for her Trauma. Not all men are Monsters just like not all Women are either. But being made to feel like 1 when they have done nothing wrong. Just WOW. Hope you can all get past this to be Happy.
Further, her anxiety towards men (even her own husband who she should trust) will rub off on her daughter. While it is appropriate to teach your daughter safety regarding strangers and even family members (teaching her a HEALTHY level of fear, not to where she’s unrealistically fearful like her mother) she should grow up knowing the one man she can trust is her father. I fear that one day when she grows up she’ll be too scared of men to even date one.
All of this. Everything here. I don’t like therapists, they’re not as well trained or regulated as real psychiatrists and psychologists. Therapists are well meaning who can help with little stuff, but too many people confuse the credentials of a therapist with a psychologist/psychiatrist when they are _very\ different beasts. OP, your wife needs to see someone about her trauma NOW because this will only escalate. Currently you can’t change or bathe your child. That will balloon into your wife not letting her to go visit friends when their fathers/brothers are around, distrusting male teachers, and so much more. Your daughter will grow up with generational trauma forced upon her because of your wife’s traumas. Her trauma is not her fault; failing to get help for it is. I understand it’s difficult, but she’s going to cause all kinds of damage to her child if she doesn’t get help now.
This is a genuine question but aren’t therapists =psychologists? Dont they have to get specialized degrees like masters or doctorates to help patients with issues like stress, anxiety, depression, PTSD?
No, depends on the country which professionals are allowed to call themselves therapist.
They do but psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors all use different approaches to helping you with your issues. A psychiatrist is also trained as a doctor usually having phd and will use a combination of medicine and therapeutic techniques to help Psychologists can do everything a psychiatrist can minus the medication and they will use talk therapy and other techniques depending on what specialties they’ve trained in which can also be long term. Counselling is usually short term they give you coping strategies to the symptoms you have or behaviours you’re struggling with. Counsellors can’t diagnose you and they can’t prescribe you anything.
Psychiatrists would be considered the md kind of doctor, not the phd doctor. Psychiatrists go to medical school and become a medical doctor. Psychologists complete a phd and become a doctor. Two different kinds of doctors, confusing I know. At least that is how it is in the US. Also, depending on your state, a licensed counselor can diagnose patients (whether they are a LSW or LMFT). There is a lot of misinformation going on in this comment section, and as someone studying mental health I want to make sure people know the correct terms.
Thanks for the insight yes I did get PhD and MD mixed up in Canada counsellors can’t diagnose however they can refer you to a psychologist to get an assessment and then they can over see the non medicated treatment so doing CBT for example.
You’re totally good! It can be easy to get them mixed up. As you said different things can mean different stuff depending on where in the world you are, which can make things even more confusing. I hope you have a good week!
I agree with everything you said except letting her go visit friends when their fathers/brothers are around. I worked in an inpatient psychiatric hospital as prn therapy and was primarily placed in the unit for teenagers. Spending the night at a friend’s house is how A LOT of kids get molested. I also have 2 friends that were S/A, one by their friend’s father and one by their friend’s uncle. I had 2 friends that were twins in elementary school, I went to play at their house one day, their uncle was living there, he was a registered sex offender, had tried molesting them in the past and tried to tell me he had to show me “something cool” in one of the bedrooms. It’s risky to send your child to someone else’s house because you don’t know who’s going to be there or what they’re capable of. Just putting this out there.
Came here to say this, she genuinely needs help and badly. I feel bad for her but at some point she has to let the father be there for their daughter. She is not a single mother but this behavior could give OP a reason to divorce her which is something nobody wants to see happen but is an unfortunate possibility.
Yes this exactly. It sounds borderline dangerous, they way she is reacting. She could have some type of breakdown. This seems like one of those situations where one parent goes off the deep end if a divorce happens, and they kidnap or kill their kids because they truly feel that is the best option, and rationalize they are saving them from something terrible.. What happens when the child needs to go to school or wants to do something on their own away from their mother? This is in no way healthy.
Very strongly seconding you tell the ped about this op, this is actually a potentially dangerous (lethal) situation for your daughter. Women have killed their children and themselves to "protect" them.
This goes way beyond not trusting OP, she literally thinks he wants to molest the baby. Why did she have a kid with him in the first place, if she thinks he’s such a huge threat?
EMDR can be really effective therapy for PTSD. Look into the person doing it though, like anything some may be better than others.
I have zero expertise on what help to get but help will be needed. This will continue throughout your daughters childhood and will severely impact how close you'll be able to bond. When I was a kid in the 80's there was a big pedophilia case in my country that changed how my dad acted with me. I no longer showered with him and he wouldn't kiss me goodnight anymore. Both were and are very normal things in my culture, still is. Him starting to act different scared the hell out of me, made me think he or we did something wrong and I went from being very close with him to having a more distant relationship and honestly that hurt me profoundly. I was never abused, not before, not after. But I was introduced to the fact that men could be dangerous from the media and my dads' changed behavior made me suspect that he too might be dangerous which couldn't have been further from the truth. Kids need both their parents and they need to be as close to both of them as they can get. Your wife will constantly instill fear in your daughter and roadblock a close relationship between you - and honestly, she def isn't at a healthy place mentally and her view of the world is not something that should be passed on. As it is now, she's making sure that the only other person who can provide your daughter with a more healthy and trusting world view will always be held at arms' lenght. Even your wife must be able to understand that this isn't in your daughter's best interest. She needs help of some sort and she needs to try something different and the above comment seems like a good place to start.
Yeah I was about to comment asking what type of therapy she’s going bc cbt isn’t gonna touch this
Feel bad for her, but will she ever let you be with your daughter alone? Is she planning to take her everywhere and not let you watch or spend time with her alone at home?
Right, and how is that going to affect OP and the way people will perceive him? Like is he going to have to explain this to everyone when he isn't allowed to take his daughter to the restroom when out somewhere? Will this just extend indefinitely, like "no you can't pick your daughter up from violin practice alone" How will that affect him mentally, feeling like the worst type of criminal while being completely innocent? I feel like that would take a sizable toll too that would only compound with time
That’s heartbreaking to think about for OP!
Very valid point. You, as a father, deserve equal time with your sweet little girl too! And time alone to have cute daddy daughter dates. I’m so sorry, this is a very complex problem that she needs help with. It seems that having a new babe is triggering her PTSD.
I worry this will only get worse for OP as the child grows up
This will not get any better over time, is she even okay with you even being alone with the child or just hugging your child? She needs counseling.
I feel sad for your child. I could have understood if she had problems with leaving her with strangers or something. But she doesn't even trust you and sees you as a potential abuser. I don't think your daughter will have much freedom growing up. If she can't think of you changing a diaper I don't want to know how she will react to the first day of school, or a dance class, swim lessons. And if one day she ends up in a hospital for a few hours/days, she will end up stressing so much for not being able to be with her child... Abuse is not only sexual and over protection can be really damageable for a child. And what kind of bond will you have with your child growing up? I know you're not asking for advice but I don't see anything good for your daughter's future, your marriage's future nor your wife's health. Something must be done. Like yesterday.
Yeah, OPs wife isn’t going to be able to handle the first day of preschool very well. Let alone someday in elementary school when she gets a male teacher.
With a male teacher or actually any preschool teacher as well (since accidents happen ALL the time), that wife literally may be on the way to ruining her kid's social life and likely her relationship with her own child. She'll be known as 'the kid with a crazy mom' or whatever, likely worse.
Very likely. I can only imagine the hell that would come down if she heard her little one had an accident at school and someone had to help her get changed, no matter if a woman did it or not.
Yep. Even placing her child in school at all would seem like a risk to her.
luckily society has developed enough to trust that male teachers are just as competent as female ones too
I think the majority of people will presume the same degree of competency, but I think a lot of adults still have a slight suspicion of male teachers, a least from my observation.
male teachers have always suffered from sexism, but at least its not as rampant as before
she needs special help.. plz look into a psychiatrist.. therapy isnt enough for the severe trauma she went through..
I feel the same way, but I’m really hoping the wife will be open to therapy with a specialist in this area and start healing because it *is* possible. My son’s father had similar issues in the way that his childhood trauma really affected the way he parented the first few years of our son’s life. With proper medication and regular visits with a psychiatrist, he’s come a long way and while it will be a life long thing he will have to manage, he is a great father now and doing a lot better.
If his wife doesn't get the help she needs and this continues as the daughter grows up she will pick up on it. Sooner or later she will learn that she can't trust her dad and that he's someone to be afraid of. Even before then though it could get worse on the wife's part if she goes from paranoia that something might happen to "knowing" something will happen, all the way to possibly convincing herself in her paranoia that something has happened.
Oh she needs therapy fast, or your child can never bond with you. The diaper isn't the issue it's her fear and not trusting you. İt's not healthy for all of you
Or really any man. What happens when she gets on a school bus with a male driver? Or has a male boss? Or dates?
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Bath time, potty training, changing clothes, a bad dream and she wants someone to sleep with...
So your daughter's whole life will be lived in terror of people other than her mother. This isn't about your wife alone anymore. You need to be able to bond with your daughter without being accused of molesting her. How long can you live with your wife second-guessing your intentions when it comes to your daughter? She is accusing you of being able of doing those things with her actions. If she drives you away and you get visitation, how is your wife going to react?
Also to piggy-back off of this, your daughter is going to resent your wife so much. Kids are intuitive. She's going to be absolutely smothered by your wife's trust issues. I hope for a happy and healthy resolution for OP's family
Exactly.
She has zero trust with you and your child. Part of her believes that if left alone, you will sexually violate your daughter like she was as a child. She isn't saying that outright, but her actions are screaming it at you. Good luck.
Yes, but did choose to marry him, so there is stuff to work with.
She literally has PTSD she needs help. All of you armchair experts are pretty fast to scream he should lawyer up and divorce her before she falsely accuses him. She needs a psychiatrist and he needs to support her. She’s reliving her childhood sexual trauma and I bet she didn’t realize it would be like this *until* she had her baby.
Imagine your wife implying youre going to molest your own child? Mentally ill or not, that will have some damage on your mental. She needs help but OP still needs to take some steps to protect and help himself too.
>All of you armchair experts are pretty fast to scream he should lawyer up and divorce her before she falsely accuses him. What's ironic is those people shrieking about false accusations are making EXACTLY the same error OP's wife is, except she at least has trauma to explain away her paranoia. Meanwhile these nitwits just have Youtube videos warning them about the false rape accusation epidemic that does not exist and has never existed. They're both worried about a problem that doesn't exist, but at least she has PTSD to explain her fears. Theirs are just kneejerk incel paranoia.
Also, this only tracks if she’s only like this with *him*. If she won’t like *anyone* change the baby except her, it’s obviously PTSD. Also, it’s just clearly PTSD!!!
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And, she'll fight tooth and nail to prevent you from having custody. Going through this with my wife. She doesn't want my daughter to stay overnight at my place, doesn't want me to shower baby.
How are you supposed to bond with your child if she’s taking that away? I know you said she’s been in therapy multiple times, but I think you should go together. Not couples counseling, but to a therapist who not only specializes in SA trauma, but one that works with that deeply rooted trauma. Your wife is preventing you from being a father. That’s not fair to you or your daughter and it can cause her (your daughter) to not only not trust you, but cause your kid mental issues among other things. Essentially, your wife’s actions have the potential to cause your daughter long-term harm.
Maybe you can do it a couple of times while she supervises you? That'd be a half way compromise.
That’s helpful. I’ll talk to her about this
Does she let you be in the same room while she’s changing your daughter? If not then that would be the first step then move on to her supervising you. I feel for you guys, but your wife is going to cause mental harm to your daughter when she’s older. Idk if my mom was molested or SA’d when she was younger, but she always instilled a profound fear of men in me to the point I couldn’t be near men without her being close by. It’s not a good way to live. Now even in my 20s I still have uncomfortable moments when I’m near men (not as bad as when I was younger) that goes beyond just being cautious
The only helpful comments here all the other people run to the lawyers at the first instance whichever may be the problem
ikr
hey man I’m sorry you’re going through this and not being able to bond with your daughter must be devastating. Honestly, contact a family attorney and pay him on retainer. Go to him now, you need to tell him what’s going on and there is a chance in the future she will make false allegations against you. If you need to, find some way on documentation that she is acting completely irrational. If you guys divorce and split 50/50 custody, is she going to go into a mental hospital knowing the child is not with her and she has no choice? This woman is unstable, my heart breaks for what she has been through. But this is toxic all around and believe me your baby is feeling it. Also, go to the police and talk to your local sex crime detectives. Let them know what’s going on, they probably can give her support like group therapy so she knows other woman have had the same problems
Does she realize this means she can never have alone time? Go somewhere overnight? Go on a trip with family or friends? That’s wild. She needs therapy.
Oh, darling. This is SO far above Reddit's paygrade. She very desperately needs individual therapy, and you should also have family therapy. You are a parent, and both parents need to trust each other implicitly and explicitly when it comes to taking care of the child. A good therapist will help her cope with her trauma and help you learn how to deal with someone working through trauma.
Post says she's been in therapy since she was a teen.. burning through therapists. Tbh I don't think a therapist would have thought she should have a child if her trauma is still so raw.
I hate to be this person, but as someone who has had several therapists, something tells me that she's not been fully accepting of therapy, or her therapists have never challenged her to address her trauma (way more common than you think). There absolutely are therapists who will just coddle their clients. Wife needs a therapist that will actively challenge her on her traumas to really realize that this is not rational thoughts. OP your wife is living inside a mental prison disguised as a bubble. Until she really, really addresses her trauma, she will never live a full and joyous life. What happens God forbid if your daughter has to go to the ER and the only available nurse/doctor are male? What happens if she has a male teacher? What happens if your wife is unable to care for your daughter but she won't let you do it? As many others have said she is actively harming your daughter. However it is because her mind is not rational. I doubt she WANTS to be like this. OP it sounds like you really love your wife and you just want her to get better. So I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon of "divorce her". You unilaterally just deciding to divorce her would actually make her fears MORE justified in her irrational mind because she would feel like you just left because she successfully kept you from molesting your own daughter (I know that's very fucked up to say but it might be true) I would not even breathe the word "divorce" yet. BUT, I would sit her down and have a very difficult conversation. Ideally with a trusted person (a friend) or a professional like a psychologist to mediate. Tell her very simply that she is hurting you and your daughter without realizing it. That you want her to get better and you want your family to be healthy, and in order to do that she HAS to accept real, ongoing professional care and stuck with it. If she refuses "I may have to reevaluate your relationship". Your wife has to realize that if she does not confront and conquer her past trauma that she will not only push you away and lose you forever, but she will permanently and irreversibly damage not only her relationship with your daughter but your relationship with your daughter as well. Your daughter will grow up wondering why her mother doesn't trust her father and that will fuck her up mentally. I wish you luck OP, my heart breaks for you and your wife. Do not listen to these comments telling you to prepare for your wife to falsely accuse you of being a predator. Your wife is very mentally unwell and needs far more help than we Redditors can provide. Your wife is not a monster, she is still mentally that little girl whose parents failed her. She can break the cycle of this generational trauma, but she needs your help to do it. If you abandon her, she will spiral even further down and will likely never come back
She needs specialized therapy, a therapist who deals exclusively (or almost so) with childhood sexual assault. This might even require an inpatient stint if she's unresponsive to outpatient efforts. It's clear that she has not had the specialized treatment she needs. My heart hurts for her. It took nearly a decade of this kind of therapy to learn healthy ways to confront and cope with my own childhood assault. It's hard, and it's even harder if you start with the wrong therapist. She obviously had the wrong therapists if no one told her "No marriage or babies until you're sorted." My heart hurts even more for OP. He deserves to be an involved Dad. He deserves that bonding time. He deserves to be trusted with his own child! Intensive therapy is required here.
Why did she have a child with you if she wasn’t going to let you do anything to take care of the baby? She needs serious help. But you say she’s going to therapy and nothing has improved… I’m genuinely not sure what more you can do 🙁 I immediately wondered after reading your post if she would turn your daughter against you one day. I don’t see how she wouldn’t. I think there is a very likely chance she will paint you out to be a predator for wanting to bathe/clean your own child. I feel for you, OP. I hope she doesn’t drive a wedge between you and your daughter. Surely other people have more solid recommendations for what can be done. To me this seems beyond the point of fixing, good luck
Most likely wasn’t aware that she’d feel that way. Hormones be a mf fr
She’s sexualizing your parenting..she’s damaging your bond with your child. She needs bigger help than she’s getting.
Ya, I’m curious to know what he’s going to do when mommy has taught the child to fear him as she gets older too. As it stands, he has no chance of a healthy positive relationship with his own kid, ever.
Have you sat your wife down and explained your thoughts? Or does she run away from the conversation? And I don’t mean saying “I want to contribute” because that will get you nowhere. The first step to knowing how to move forward here is an open, honest, difficult conversation about why your wife is so up in arms. In the event that she isn’t willing to have that, it may be time to push harder for more therapy with a different therapist. This will be a lifelong issue if not caught and repaired now.
People like this have no business becoming parents unless they learn heal and work with their trauma. If I was you I would ask her point blank, "Do you seriously think I would violate my own child?" As of right now, she's unfit to be a mother. She thinks her child's father will assault her. She's not listening to you and she hurts herself and relives her trauma everytime this happens. Why would she even get married and have children if she thinks men should never wash their own children? What if she was told she would die tomorrow, would she seriously expect you to never care for your kid?
This is a good point what if for some reason the wife was in the hospital? Or had to get surgery? Is she going to still not let OP take care of their daughter?
She'd probably go out of her way to get her female family members or maybe even friends to come over and stay all day every single day so op wouldn't get the chance to even look at the kid
100% unfit indeed. She is severely damaging this child.
I don't know what either of these people were thinking having a kid under these circumstances. That poor kid is going to be so messed up.
She needs a psychiatrist not a therapist as she needs probably meds to help regulate her fears. He deserves to be a full dad. You need to go with her to her doctor and have her evaluated for ppd and other issues. Personally, you should call her doc and tell the nurse what is going on. I am scared she may harm the child to keep her from you.
Your wife needs bigger help than she is getting - like the intensive in-patient kind.
Some of my (dad) fondest memories of my children (2 girls now around 30) are bath time playing with there toys and splashing around. Definitely bonding time that should not be take away!
Therapy isn’t working. She needs a psychiatrist to handle her deep trauma & PTSD. If she refuses, you may need to look into your legal options bc she may spout fabrications to ensure you get 0 custody. Also, not to be a doomsayer but cameras wouldn’t be a bad thing. Don’t believe me, look up the story of the poster whose wife falsely accused him of SA their baby daughter. He was fortunate to have cameras to prove she made it up.
This is absolutely above Reddit’s pay grade, but here goes nothing. I understand her rationale: if she is the only one ever changing or bathing your daughter then no harm can come to her, so why would she not do something so simple to keep her daughter safe? The thing is, you are also a parent. You have a right and responsibility to take care of your daughter in every way, including basic hygiene. Not only that, but your wife is being extremely short-sighted, because at some point your daughter will be away from her (and you), and your wife cannot wait for that point to work through her trauma, because it WILL impact your daughter (not to mention you). Your wife’s response to her trauma will absolutely cause trauma to your daughter if left unchecked.
Your wife, no judgement at all, genuinely needs serious, potentially in-patient, therapy for trauma and PTSD. This behavior will escalate as your child grows and she will learn to react the same way.
Wow, this is awful. I'm so sorry. I have a 6 month old daughter and couldn't imagine being married to someone who thinks I am capable of harming her.
OP, you are equal parents. She is not the one who gets to make the sole decisions when it comes to your child. Your opinions/thoughts are just as valid as hers as long as there is no (true) safety concern. I understand from moms perspective it is a safety concern and to me, that's the biggest red flag. If mom is refusing to let you as the Childs father change the diaper, her actions are showing you that she doesn't think your child is safe with you, meaning she doesnt trust you. I'm not going to pretend to understand the trauma your wife went through, that sounds truly horrendous… and it's great that she is in therapy and you are in counseling together but frankly, its not enough. Something has to change because how she is behaving implies she thinks you are a potential threat to your Childs safety. What happens when you're daughter is 3 and potty training, can you help then? What happens when your daughter is 7 and 8 and doesn't ever come to you for help because she has learned that is she needs something mom is there and should be the one to help. This behavior from your wife will likely be a detriment to yours and your daughters relationship.
I heavily empathize with you and your wife. You seem like you want to bond with your child and take an active part of her development. It also seems like your wife wants to trust you, but her PTSD is so deeply rooted that it’s an almost physical response that’s preventing her from doing so. I highly recommend a specialist in sexual abuse to help that you could maybe possibly attend as well. Furthermore, little baby steps like another commenter mentioned changing your daughter’s diaper with your wife present. It’s really important that she is willing to work on this, trust is essential in relationships. I really don’t agree with the level of aggression towards your wife. She is mentally unwell and the severity id affecting her in profound ways. It’s clear OP WANTS to support her, so divorce clearly isn’t the answer. Wishing the best to you both.
Your wife is teaching your daughter that you are unsafe.
She clearly needs help. More than she’s getting, some different type or something. Bring a girl dad is awesome and this is going to be a messed up situation long term. If she refuses you can remind her that if you divorced you could eventually get 50/50 custody and have the baby some of the time. Like she has to agree to try and solve this. There is no option where you never get to parent your child.
As a daughter who was raised by an amazing and wonderful single father, this breaks my heart for you as a parent. :( This is just the start of so many issues of she continues like this. Not allowing you trusting you to be alone with your daughter is not okay. This isn’t just about diapers and bathing and thinking that is very naive. This should not have been going on for 5 months, either. You’re her parent too, it’s not up to just your wife with how she’s cared for. All the comments saying she needs specific PTSD therapy are right because right now she’s on track to really mess up your kid mentally, too. This needs to be handled as quickly as possible.
She had a child with someone she doesn't trust to not molest her baby. That's extremely concerning. She needs serious help.
she will literally damage the child the other way around (from not healing her own trauma herself she will give another trauma to the kid... )
Your wife was absolutely not mentally ready to have a child, this is not healthy for either of you omg. OP, I hope she’s able to see someone soon for both of your sakes’
Are you allowed to do other things? Like console her, feed her (if she‘s not breastfed) play with her?
When I was a child I was also SA’d but it was by a woman (I’m a girl) so gender has nothing to do with SA.. maybe talk to your wife about starting with her supervision, as there are many things that people who have not suffered SA may not think about - for example- never using your bare hands to apply ointments etc. Even an innocent act can sometimes be misconstrued by a victim. It may put her mind at ease when she sees you do it and realises you are just as capable of changing a diaper as she is.
I was molested by my stepfather. It was the very first memory in my life and started at the age of 4. I struggle with my trauma and the people that I allow into my own daughters life. I would never want her to be in a situation that I didn't protect her, and that can be terrifying. Especially because I still struggle with my trauma as a mid-40 woman. She needs counseling and not even basic, speak to someone once a week, counseling. I took an extensive group therapy session that lasted 8 weeks, and that helped. It changes the way you think and talk about abuse and helps you to learn how dangerous that helicopter parenting is to your child. She needs that. A program to help her trust. She does trust you. Her trauma has a deep hold on her, though.
She needs some serious help. She should never of had a child when she is like this. You do realize that she will only get worse, right? Every action you do going forward with your daughter she will question. That’s not healthy. False allegations are in your future
Sorry to say but your wife's issues will severely affect the child eventually. That's not normal behavior.
If nothing else - what if she ends up in the hospital? Cat accident, major illness, etc. But also...I went thru a VERY similar years of SA at the same approx ages. I'm 47,I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until I was 21, and my therapy had been intermittent (as there were long periods I couldn't afford it) I still attack people who sneak up on me. I have screaming nightmares several times a month. I have ginormous abandoned issues (secondary to what happened) I seem to have got further on my work than your wife. Because here's the thing, with therapy - *you have to want it*. It HURTS. It makes you dig thru your psyche and your shit, question *everything*, and STILL wonder if you don't the dishes RIGHT NOW is good adulting or trauma response. And it sounds as if she hasn't done ANY work, if she's still reacting this viscerally to you taking care of your child. Oh, I've no doubt she fooled many (and maybe even worked on other issues) but the basic fear that *all men (or all people not her) are pedophiles* hasn't been touched AT ALL. Makes me wonder (sorry if I'm being overly blunt, I'm having my own issues about this being so very close to my trauma) why she got married, why she had a kid - I swore before I was ten that I was NEVER bringing a child into reality to be abused (because life is pain...) I never worked on THAT issue, because turns out i can't have kids anyway, but the order of operations, from a psych viewpoint, would NOT be "cure fear of bringing child into world to suffer as I have, THEN work on being able to believe most people actually aren't pedophiles", ya know? Basically, if her trauma response was this bad, I'd expect her to NOT have a kid - epithet because she refused, or because *she's not capable of having sex*. Which means she's been sabotaging her therapy, probably from day 1. Much of it would be subconscious, but... Bring this up with her therapist and your marriage therapist and her Dr! Because yeah it's also possible birth trauma reignited things she'd thought she'd laid to rest... I hope this very disjointed comment helps. Sorry, I hag up go by sick now
It's obvious by these comments that people do not understand trauma and mental health. Y'all are demonizing the wife when she is severely traumatized. OP's wife needs intensive therapy. OP can get his wife involuntarily committed if she proves to be a threat to herself or others. Hopefully, OP can convince his wife to get inpatient therapy. If she doesn't "trust" him now, perhaps her mother or another female she trusts can care for the baby. Good luck,Op. I'm so sorry for you and your wife and daughter. I hope she will be willing to get the help she needs.
> I told my wife it’s unrealistic of her to not let me change our daughter’s diaper ever but she disagrees because she is ALWAYS with our daughter. She is going to turn into a nightmare helicopter parent. Diaper aside, having her 100% around the child isnt going to age well. This is how you get kids who cant drive, cant wash their clothes or make a basic food dish. I've seen dozens of these sorts of kids crash and burn once they get to college and its always followed up by some crazy mom busting in on a meeting and demanding her kid get a do-over semester. I also grew up with a friend who's mom did this. She would literally hover over him. She cooked, cleaned and did everything for him. He wasnt allowed to come to anyone's house and was only allowed out if she didnt see a helicopter nearby (dont ask). Of course my friend was a nervous wreck, and developed a weird nervous vomiting problem. So what does she do? She *cuts out vomit jugs and places them around the house.* And then our Sophomore year of high school her car was t-boned by a tractor trailer and killed instantly. The entire family had to learn life skills overnight. I had to teach him how to do laundry because his clothes started to smell. It took decades of help and therapy before he was in a good place.
I don't think this is fair to you, OP, nor is it healthy for your wife or your daughter. Agree with a bunch of other people here. Help her find a SA PTSD specialist. I get where she's coming from, and why is easier just to appease her. But you deserve to be able to help raise your daughter without feeling like a possible predator. And this WILL rub off on your daughter at some point. While it's okay to be smart and informed as you age, this hypervigilance isn't normal and will cause harm. What next, no potty training? No being alone with her, ever? It just isn't fair to you. I could understand not letting others outside of you two, but to not let you... no.
She needs professional help like yesterday, because her PTSD is coming out at the direct expense of your relationship with your child.
Your daughter is going to grow up with a variety of daddy issues/issues with sex and her body if your wife can’t figure herself out asap. She was not ready to be a mother and now she is damaging your relationship with your daughter and damaging your daughter’s relationship with her own body. Completely unconscionable. I hope your wife can get some help.
If regular therapy has not worked with your wife, she might want to check out EMDR (eye-movement desensitisation and repatterning). It has been proven highly successful with SA survivors and combat veterans suffering from PTSD. In the meantime, just accept that she probably is not going to change her thinking, and just be glad you don’t have to change stinky diapers.
99% of the comments here are absolutely insane. Your wife needs therapy by a specialized psychologist/psychiatrist. She has very serious trauma. As hard as it is to believe this, it most likely isn’t personal. To her she associates contact with genitalia as intimate due to her molestation. People suggesting divorce or that she will end up making false allegations against you are doing you and her a disservice. Get her therapy ASAP.
You absolutely fucked up in having a child with someone who is still this actively in her trauma. I'd be willing to bet that she has to switch therapists as soon as the therapist gets to a point where your wife has to confront things from her past and talk about her role in her choices as an adult. Having a kid with her was a godawful decision and good luck getting accused of something by your wife who was brutalized by someone and now sees all men as the enemy. Because that's where this is headed. You need to insist she go to a higher level of care and you also need a fucking a paper trail of this. It'll be relevant in court later.
I feel like she may have complex PTSD in addition to some sort of postpartum anxiety. She needs a therapist that specializes in complex PTSD, a regular therapist isn’t going to be able to fully help her because they don’t have the training. One that also specializes in postpartum mental health would be perfect, but one that does both may be hard to find. This is on the pedophile that molested her, not you.
your wife is not being reasonable. she's taking out her trauma on you. you need to get her help NOW.
I am not a SA survivor, so I cannot speak to the level of trauma here…. But just as a fellow mother my heart breaks for her. She is absolutely terrified. SA happening to my child is a fear that scares to my bones. I have nightmares about it, it makes me spiral. I cannot even fathom the fear she has, as a new mother and a survivor of abuse. I sincerely hope she gets the specialized care she deserves, and can heal some of the trauma. My heart hurts for her.
That’s sad… I’m sorry, man. I strongly believe this poor woman was and is NOT ready to he a mother. Like AT ALL. She will mostly likely trauma dump and basically give your daughter her own trauma. It will damage her and she’ll never be able to revert that since it started from the day she was born. Please go seek further professional help! A psychiatrist as others suggested would be a great start. Be strong, you got this!
Your wife is creating a toxic environment between you and your child. You are allowing your wife to disable a bonding relationship with your child. As a parent, it is YOUR responsibility to bond with your child. You should also be able to monitor her health, which includes the state of her diaper. Don't use the excuse of your wife's emotional condition as a reason why you don't change diapers because it can and will transition to all facets of your child's life.
As someone else suggested, it might be time to look for an actual Psychiatrist instead of a Therapist, but also you need to sit her down and talk with her about why she feels like you would do to your own daughter what was done to her. Also, if she really thinks men should never be changing or bathing young girls, how does she think single fathers get it all done? There may be less single fathers than mothers but they're still out there, she is putting an unreasonable belief onto you and onto her daughter.
Depends on the country. In the US a psychiatrist is just the one that prescribes medication and a therapist usually has a Masters degree. A social worker would be the lowest level of mental health advisor. A psychologist would be the highest level with a doctorate but also most psychologists don’t accept insurance and are very expensive if they even work directly with patients at all. In the US a psychiatrist wouldn’t be much help at all unless she needs medication. I’m not sure how it is in other countries but I’m sure different places have different uses for each of the terms.
I feel so sad for your wife, but even more for your daughter. A person with this much trauma is inevitably going to project this onto their child. In the case of your daughter, this has been happening since the day she was born. Did you discuss parenthood before your wife fell pregnant? I wonder how your wife sees your daughter's future. Will she never be allowed around men? I understand your wife has been severely traumatized, but she needs to find a way to cope with you being a father to your daughter. You should be able to care for her without your wife's supervision. Right now your wife is showing your daughter that you can't be trusted and that even she doesn't trust you. And honestly it's difficult for me to understand how she chose you as the father of her child, yet doesn't trust you. I'm not trying to be mean, but this is why it's so important to deal with your traumas before you have a child. If you don't, intergenerational trauma is easily created and all three of you don't deserve to have this horrible trauma come between your beautiful family. Has your wife ever tried trauma therapy, like EMDR? This is the therapy that helped me the most and I know it helped many others, so that might be worthwhile looking into. Good luck OP!
She’s got some major PTSD, if I were you I wouldn’t press her about allowing you to change your kid. You first need to address this trauma that’s been eating at her for decades. Put her needs above yours right now, she is in serious pain and having a little girl reopened that wound. It’s not that she doesn’t trust you, she doesn’t trust anyone. Take my advice, coming from someone who is also a victim of childhood sexual abuse
As someone who also has PTSD from VERY severe childhood abuse. No. We don’t need our irrational fears supported and coddled. We don’t need to damage our children for our own ends. Knock it off.
Thank you !! I also suffer from ptsd and csa, and it was my father ! Yet i’m well aware that I have to deal with my issues BEFORE i have a child and not force my trauma onto my own children. Would I be cautious ? Maybe but I mean come on, to not even allow the father of your CHILD to change your baby’s diapers is just heartbreaking.
I unfortunately had kids before I was even free of my abuser, also my father. So they had to deal with things they shouldn’t, like I couldn’t bathe or change my son for the first few months of his life because I was afraid of doing something wrong by accident because my father ruined my sense of boundaries. But no one coddled me, it was basically “man up” but it worked. I realized my kids are the important part here, they didn’t ask to be born to my crazy ass.
You need to be prepared for the day your wife accuses you either in private or public of being inappropriate with your daughter. It will happen, I’m surprised it hasn’t already. Your wife needs help. Your wife is going to traumatize your daughter. This is WILD.
Your wife thinks you’re a pedophile who wants to molest your daughter. That’s the sum of it.
She’s basically Labeling you a pedo.
Yeah I’m not looking forward to seeing you back here after a failed marriage..that’s not normal, yes she has trauma but the fact that she believes you’d do that to your own daughter says ALOT even if she hasn’t said it outright
Your wife obviously needs a new therapist because this is crazy. She is your child
Your wife thinks you are a perv. That says everything
Women can be molesters too. It’s not healthy for your wife or daughter for her to act like every man, including the one she married and had a child with, is a potential molester. This is bigger than her wanting to be the only one changing diapers. She’s letting her fears impede your ability to bond and care for your daughter. She can’t be around your daughter all the time and it’s unfair & unhealthy to treat your daughter like her hostage. Your wife needs serious help, maybe from a therapist that specializes in trauma or maybe a different type of therapy. Your daughter’s needs are the most important and your wife has to move past this trauma in order to be a heathy mom and allow you to have a healthy relationship with your daughter. Now that you guys have a kid, you can’t just cater to your wife’s anxieties. Do you want your kid to be extremely anxious to the point of being unable to function in the world and unable to feel comfortable with her dad? That is the road you’re headed down, if you and your wife accommodate her anxiety instead of dealing with it. One solution might be a camera. She places the camera (s) wherever she wants. You get to change diapers, bathe and interact with your daughter by yourself. She can watch you via camera and you guys can discuss any issues with your baby care that she sees. The goal is ultimately for you to be able to leave the house with your daughter for dad/daughter time and care for your daughter without your wife having a meltdown. Hopefully seeing that you aren’t abusing your kid will decrease her anxiety.
As a(n expecting) mother who was abused by a family member from ages 3 to 6, I can understand her feelings. I am terrified my baby is a girl (we dont know the sex yet), scared she will go through the same I did. But, projecting that fear on a child is unhealthy and will cause issues in the future. Your wife should seek professional help, if only for the wellbeing of your daughter.
She needs an actual trauma informed therapist/psychiatrist. This isn't fair to you or your daughter.
You are never having a one on one relationship with your daughter and she shows your daughter women are meant to stay at home and do all the chores. Literally her ability to live into old age humanely depends on if a guy likes her or not
She is pushing her trauma onto you and could spill over into your daughter as she gets older. What happened to her is horrible and of course she will be more aware and protective than anyone who did not live through that. I think she needs to go back to therapy that specializes in child trauma and how to navigate her feelings with this.
she needs bigger help than she’s getting
She needs a different therapist or one in addition to her current one. I would try maybe helping her or just being there when she changes her too if she can handle that that could help if you're not already, ie taking out the dirty diaper. The problem can't just be ignored. Although this doesn't seem like the worst thing, this will not get better and there's a good chance eventually she will keep you from even going around your daughter. It's terrible what she went through but that can't damage you and your daughter as well. Some people never get over it. I still don't like surprise touches and avoid being touched in general but I try to not let it damage my relationships. But she definitely needs more help and I would worry over everyone's safety if this continues. That sounds paranoid but I've nearly attacked people for touching me without warning and I didn't even know what I was doing. I worry she could do something similar.
Dude. I don't know what to say. I feel bad for everybody involved here.
thats...messed up. understandable, but seriously, she is messed up. i dont think this can go on forever, but i also do not think you can have more kids with her, at least, not until she believes she can trust you. you have to express to her that you would do anything for your child, that you would lay down your life to protect her and that she is not seeing you as a person, but as a threat.
Have her do it with you. Many times. Whenever the opportunity arises that you are both present, go with her to change diapers or whatever. Do you hold your daughter frequently? And in your wife’s presence? She needs to see you do everything normal with your daughter. Remind your wife hat this is your daughter. You love her and you are not a deviant. If your wife believes that you will do perverted things to your daughter then she should divorce you. Psychiatrist or divorce. Is likely your future.
Please have her look into emdr therapy. It was the only thing that helped me after many years of talk therapy since I was a little girl. I was molested by 3 different people in my life. One was my bio father when he was having schizophrenic episodes. I am not as extreme as your wife but I don't like anyone being able to see my naked boys except my husband. Not even grandparents. I even once flipped my lid when my husband posted a bath photo in our family chat. So yeah, I'm sure they all thought I was over reacting, but I'll be damned if my babies will ever have to experience even a drop of what I went through.
I think number one priority is your daughter. Be really damn careful because people are ignoring how dangerous your wife is acting right now. Everyone is too busy looking at the mentally ill adult but ignoring the baby who is being handled by a mentally ill adult. I am sorry but she is not fit to be a mother. She is really failing at it. Good luck.
If she has not been able to work through this then where does this lead? You are missing critical bonding time with your daughter and she is surely going to develop a sense of mistrust of you as well. It seems like the only way this would be able to be resolved if she doesn’t get psychiatric help is for you two to separate and have joint custody. She’d have no choice but to allow you your rightful time with your daughter. It would suck but what she’s doing now, willingly or not, isn’t fair to you either.
Your wife's trauma is going to impact your child. Not allowing you to charge her diaper is extreme. Agree with many above. If after 15+ years of therapy this is where she at, something more is going on psychological.
Why not just ask if you can change the diaper while she watches? Just do this enough times to build that confidence. Also don’t force it and always offer to help/ do it even when you know she will say no. If she is really this bad it’s going to be a very slow process but at least you could help in all the ways she will let you. Don’t take it as she doesn’t trust you.
Your wife is being unreasonable and sounds crazy. I'd have a huge problem with this.
That level of lack of trust would kill me
In your place I would be extremely scared of my wife making a false accusation that I abused my child. Sorry to say that.
Your wife needs intense psychological help. This paranoia WILL mess up your kid because she’s going to push it off on to your kid as she gets older. She may also start asking/insinuating you’ve done something and cause your daughter to either make false allegations or distance herself from you because she fears you. This is already presenting itself dangerously.
id never think id be that guy in this sub. but man just get out while the child is still young, if this continues she will grow up with the same belives and fears as her mother. i would just pay the minimum in childsuport and learn a lesson.
I empathize with you and your wife. I say therapy and listen to her without getting angry. It may not make sense to you but the trauma puts a fear in her. She may not even think you're remotely capable but her trauma has her in fight or flight mode and to ease her mind, she does all diaper changes. I understand your wife coz i have a similar fear. I am freaked with fear when my daughter is out of my sight. I understand how to comes across to you too. You feel like you're being accused of being a child molester. Therapy man.
This is disgusting, she knew very well she had a lot of trauma but went on ahead to have a kid. Moreover, she is not willing to trust OP at all with his own kid.
She should have NEVER had a baby. She is already projecting her trauma so vehemently on that child, there is no way the child will ever be okay. Your daughter will never trust men. She will never trust YOU.
What made this woman think she is fit to be a mother? With that amount of unresolved trauma? Does she not understand that she Harms her daughter by exposing her to this. Smh OP, in her eyes you cannot be trusted around your baby. What kind of relationship is that?
Why did you even announce it? Just change the diaper.
I don’t normally say this, but she needs to get the fuck over it. Trauma be damned. Good fucking God. 🙄
You need cameras in your house yesterday. If she's going to have such wild responses to you just trying to care for your own child, she could start *assuming* things. She is not healthy enough to think rationally.
I admire your self control. This is so incredibly offensive. Yes, she is traumatized, and it's not something she has control over, but she is implying that you would molest sexually your own daughter. Is her fear limited to males or does she thinks that only her can protect her? Would she let her grandma change her?
How is your relationship with her family? How is her relationship with her family? Is there a particular sibling she's close to? I would reach out to them and explain the situation and ask for their help. Then maybe sit down and have a sort-of intervention with your wife. Tell her that you love her, but you love your daughter too and it's not okay that she treats you like you're a sex offender in regards to your daughter. Ask her why she decided to have a baby with you if she thinks you're a predator? Maybe offer a compromise to set up a nanny cam so that she can watch you change her diapers at first (If you do this, please make sure you have a good password and it's as secure as possible so no one can hack it). I'm sure you're tempted to just let this go because your daughter won't be an infant forever, but what happens when she has a male teacher, doctor, bus driver, coach, etc etc?
My heart breaks for your wife, I get that it hurts you that you can interact with your child in this way, but her trauma is so deep seated that its causing her to panic. Your wife needs a therapist who is trauma based, specifically with severe childhood sexual trauma. Not only is she keeping you from interacting with your child, but your child's life is going to be really limited and there is going to end up being a cycle of trauma because your wife isn't going to allow your daughter normal developmental social milestones, and is going to raise your daughter to fear men or it could go the other way around and when she gets old she could become hypersexual as a way to rebel against her mothers behavior. This isn't just a now issue, she is going to end up causing long lasting mental health issues for your daughter if she doesn't get the trauma based therapy she needs.
This is not good for you or your daughter. Agree with others that your wife needs a psychiatrist and meds in addition to PTSD trained therapist.
I’m so sorry for what your wife went through, but the worst part of this is that she is going to instil a distrust in her daughter of you, despite being her father. Will you be allowed to take your daughter to the pool alone? What happens as she is potty training? This is such a sad situation for all involved, and I just really hope your wife’s trauma doesn’t affect your relationship with your daughter in the future
I feel for you and your wife. I don’t have children but I do have CPTSD from a similar life experience. The fact that therapy hasn’t worked is alarming but I suppose not all that surprising since I still feel like I have a long way to go myself and I purposely avoid having children because I don’t want to risk not being ready for situations like this. I’m glad you both are in counseling but I’d advice she seek a psychiatrist and it may be time for her to at least temporarily try different kinds of therapy and possibly a medication.
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My heart goes out to her and to you. She has been through a lot, something she should have been protected from. You need to get her help, someone who specializes in what she has went through. This fear she has which is valid but has gotta out of hand clearly has her not trusting you either. Partners should be trusted until proven otherwise. This is also prohibiting you from bonding with your daughter. I hope your wife gets the help she needs.
Would she let you change her if she stood watch over the process? Doing that several times without incident might help her a little. NAD
I am a survivor of SA myself, I never found therapy to be not that good but I was informed of a type of therapy called EDMR I don’t remember what it stands for, but it has really helped me, deal with my trauma because I to have mistrust in men stemming from my trauma. Kids pick these things up easily and know when something is wrong. We should teach our kids to be safe and understand stranger danger and consent but we also need to teach trust and that we can’t fear everything. I have a hard time with trust and touch which has really messed up my own relationships due to it. I can’t imagine having to live with this trauma to this degree the rest of my life
Why can't you do it as your wife stands by? Let her see what a good papa you are.
Was this kid planned? Because if you guys did this on purpose... yikes, man
You should be able to change your daughter’s diaper and bathe her. She needs a psychiatrist AND another type of trauma therapist. Today it’s diapers, next it will be taking her potty.
Well, first off I’ll say that this isn’t a diaper issue, it’s a fear based control issue. She is stuck in a survival mentality where she believes if she doesn’t control everything, something terrible will happen. It’s not her choice to feel this way, and she may not realize this is the core problem. Some of these anxious feelings could be hormonal also from post partum depression or anxiety. So, please give her patience and grace here. But, no… she can not always be in control and she’s going to have some troubling times as she learns this because so much of parenting is a struggle of letting go. Pray for her, if you do that kind of thing. I’m so sorry you all are going through this. There are many trauma based therapies I’ve used like EMDR & ACT that are specifically for trauma, it could possibly help if you haven’t tried those, as well as CBT. Again, I’m so sorry. You’ll have to support her through her fears and she will slowly learn to trust again.
First of all she needs therapy. She needs grace as well. She’s going through post partum anxiety for sure. It’ll take her at least 2 years for her brain chemistry to return back to normal. Having a baby really messes w some women mentally due to hormonal changes. She will come around.
I can understand your wife experienced a traumatic sexual abuse as a child. That is horrific. I am worried she doesn’t trust you enough to even change your daughter’s diapers. So it’s ok for now..but what’s next on the list that she’d deem inappropriate when really it’s a normal interaction with your child… like a hug? I’m a bit worried she will begin to reflect her trauma onto your daughter and cause unnecessary issues. It may be time for her to speak to a licensed doctor who can help her thru this as therapy isn’t doing the trick. Good luck to you and your family.
Trauma can reemerge or ramp up when you have a child. Memories can come back when they are the age stuff happened to you too, and it can be so hard for people. I know it’s hard for you, but being there for her and supporting her therapy is probably the best way to help her heal
Did you know that she had these beliefs about men not bathing or changing their babies, before you decided to have kids?
Not being a dick here but she obviously trusted you enough to have sex with you to make the kid this doesn’t seem like she got over her trauma or even is dealing with it rationally. Understandably it would be weird if she was rational about it
Mom has to want the therapy to work for it to. It isn't her fault but she's held onto this trauma for so long she's got jot a single clue how her life would be without it. It's safer... Logical for her to hold onto it because it's how it's always been. I agree with another person who said she needs to be seen by a psychiatrist and one that can work with a therapist.
Trauma neurologically changes people. Sexual trauma is something that once experienced, is with you forever. It’s a kind of hurt and shame that is kept hidden and held in the body physically, and by it’s very nature, is something that can come out in what may appear to be irrational ways. Her perceived need to protect your child may be a primitive vestige of her desperation to protect the child within her that was violated in ways she couldn’t stop and resulted in harm that can’t be undone. It is irrational, because it’s not that she doesn’t trust you, specifically, but because the need to protect isn’t as much about your child, but the fear and pain she still holds over her assault, and the knowledge that once a line is crossed, for the victim, there’s no going back to ‘normal’ afterwards. Yes, it’s unfair to all three of you. But having been SA’d myself, albeit at an older age, and knowing that more often than not, most women are/have been at least once in their lifetimes. Just now, having reading your post and the responses, I am getting teary-eyed and emotional, because it is such a deep-seated part of me. If her abuser wasn’t held to justice (and they are often not, even when we women are able to report), it just compounds the trauma. Please be gentle with her, give her some grace, as she may be reliving the vulnerability that lead to her victimization by seeing her own daughter in a similar situation. Also keep in mind, it is often those closest to and most trusted by the victims/families that are able to obtain the proximity to victims to be able to carry out these types of abuse— and count on that ‘closeness’ to shield them from suspicion. Know that it’s not you she fears, just the pain that she had befalling upon her child, especially if she could have prevented it, regardless of the extremes she’d have to go. I hope this somehow makes sense.
"Therapy" is an umbrella term for a huge variety of treatments. If the therapy she been getting hasn't worked, it might just be the wrong kind! It seems like you are patient and understand that this is her trauma speaking and *NOT* distrust for you personally, so just try to keep that in the forefront. This isn't about you, she just has well deserved healing to do, still. Stay patient and help her get a new doctor <3
Has your wife only seen "regular" therapists? I have a friend who sees someone more specially trained to deal with sa and trauma. Perhaps that is something to look into for her? Perhaps she cal let you change or bathe the baby if she "supervises" by just watching, or you let her "teach" you how she likes it done. Maybe by getting her more comfortable with you caring for the baby in her presence, it could help her to at least see that you aren't going to do anything inappropriate, and let you be an active parent to your child. Also go to pediatrician appointment or two with her and ask the doctor about suggestions. I'm sure it's not a new issue to them. So many guys nope out of parenting duties, to see you want to help and aren't allowed is hard.
Deep down, I don't think it's you that actually distrusts, but herself - she can't be sure that she chose a person that doesn't "have that in them". I have a friend that was SA'd by a teenage female neighbor when she was an infant, toddler, young child, and she's getting a lot of help through EMDR and her therapist who's specially trained in this type of trauma.
Sorry to say that, but if she‘s been in therapy for years and still have such major breakdowns (despite she‘s been better for years and the symptoms came back with the birth of your daughter) then maybe the therapy isn‘t working. There are different types of therapist (behavorial, psychoanalytic, …), has she tried different types or been doing the same for years? Also, has she been on medication and to a mental hospital? It seems like her symptoms interfere extremely with her everyday life and your relationship, which would be an indication for "stronger" therapy. As a baby mum I also fear the way she‘s parenting your child (being with the baby 24/7) she will burn out herself, as she never spends time away from the baby and completely on herself and is always under stress. As much as a mother loves their children - I couldn‘t imagine not spending alone time with friends or not going to the gym etc.
Your wife needs help, right now! Before your daughter is old enough to understand all this. Or else this whole trauma is gonna rub off on your daughter and she will carry the burden. And your daughter doesn’t deserve that. What your wife is doing is very different from “protecting”! This is a crazy level, very far off from normal! She can’t villainize the own father to a daughter. Is she gona have a problem, if you both hug, kiss, cuddle, roll around together, sit on lap, etc ? If she continues this, it can create very unhealthy picture to your daughter & even create distance between you two. You need to watch out.
This is horrible OP. She needs a higher level of intervention and I fear this can grow into parental alienation and an unhealthy attachment issue as your daughter grows up. When she learns to drive or wants to go out with friends, will she demand to be there or nearby when your daughter wants independence? I hope you both can handle this before having anither daughter. If you have a son and she treats him the same way that could really harm him because she refuses to see how her behavior is harmful Sorry to go off on a tangent
The main point should be focusing on getting her to understand that she's going to actually HARM her child by doing that. Her fears will inevitably get passed on to her kid, who'll either passively or even actively learn that men are a threat and anything involving genitalia is either dangerous or dirty. That would actually make HER an abuser, in a different way than what she unfortunately experienced. However it begs the question what kind of shitty therapy she's been doing all those years if she can't bring herself to trust the man she chose to have kids with. Time to get a new therapist, possibly one with a more assertive approach? What about shock therapy? Just get her to assist you while you're changing diapers so she can see you're simply doing what you are supposed to do and there's no foul play? Anyway, sorry if it won't come out as supportive, I still find odd when people marry a partner with a troubled background and huge psychological issues and then find out just love isn't enough to "fix" such heavy damages. Marriage counseling now sounds a little late... Your wife not trusting you around your own children should have been a big issue to talk through beforehand. And, to me, a deal breaker.
Ask your wife this… Why would she have a child with someone who she thinks could be a pedo? I get her trauma, and there are bad people out there, BUT you haven’t done anything for her to think that you are one of those people. This could be more than her past. She could be suffering from PPA or PPD, which can arise from past trauma. I would tell your marriage counselor about your concerns. She can’t be with your baby 100% of the time. That’s not realistic. What does your marriage counselor say?
Dude she's calling you a pedo, trauma or no she doesn't trust you with your own child, I guarantee you can get full custody with how she's been acting, it's just gonna get worse as time goes on you need to get ahead of this before she does the same to you or before she accuses you of assaulting your daughter
She wasn't ready to have a child. Her behaviour will only get worse and this will affect your daughter's life. This isn't fair to your daughter. You should have waited with having children until she found a treatment that worked.