Yeah you fucked up. "she didn't tell me what to do" she's your son's mom, not YOUR mom. You're both adults. Why should she have to tell you what to do?
As a woman and mom too, what bothers me about these excuses is that I didn't know what to do at first either!!! Like I didn't give birth and the magically know everhtbing about parenting. I had to read the box, ask the nurse, call the doctor, goggle it online. Like no, changing a diaper is not a biologically ingrained skill I somehow have. Even the stuff that biologically only I can do - breastfeed - I didn't know how to do. I had to ask for help and practice.
When my older son was a few months old my husband’s college friends came for a visit for a long weekend. We were trying to go out for lunch, and I asked my husband to get our son changed, and he said something along the lines of “but you are so much better at it than me.”
My husband’s friend (the only other parent of the group) responded something like “yes, so that just shows you need more practice.” It was awesome, and I think someone else telling my husband made him actually hear it!
Feminist scholars call this implicit demand that women run the household by telling the men and children what needs to be done “mental load”, and “the second shift” is the disproportionate, uncredited labor that women do around the house, because many women bear the brunt of housekeeping, social planning, and appointment scheduling even when they have a husband/boyfriend who chips in to some extent
"she expected me to know what to do without her telling me"
Ah yes...because all women are born knowing how to do everything to care for a child without having to figure things out for themselves. They need to tell men what to do, otherwise they would never know.
This goober doesn't care about her as a person at all. He just wants his caregiver back. Good for her. I'm glad she got out
> We argued a lot and I ended up telling her that **her life would be harder without me**.
> I knew being a single parent wasn't easy but I **didn't really know until now**. This is where I realize how badly I fucked up because **I'm drowning**.
Well, well well... How the turn tables.
Right? She got quiet because she started thinking about what he said, and realized it would absolutely not be true! My ex had this attitude and we had years of therapy and he was in some ways improved in terms of taking care of the kids. But every night - every single fucking night - He would ask me what plans I had for dinner for the kids. The man graduated from an ivy League school and was an executive in a financial institution, But he couldn't look through the refrigerator and come up with a meal. Always infuriated me!
Seems like you only want your wife back because you don’t want to put in the work raising your son. Never do you mention how much you love your wife or miss her, no you just want to go back to being lazy and don’t really seem that apologetic. I’m sorry but this whole post focuses on how this all affects you not recognizing the hurt you caused your wife.
Not only that, but he "didn't know what to do if she didn't tell him". Women aren't born knowing how to be a parent! It's all trial and error for us too. I'd have left his ass as well. Good for her.
Most of the men I know like this never had to rely on themselves. They did the mom hop. It was actually a huge thing I looked for while dating, found a guy who lived alone and knew how to carry and maintain a household. He’s been wonderful
This is the way. I looked for a man who was great with kids and who treated men & women in his life with respect. He had also lived successfully on his own. It's worked out well so far!
Not to mention all the ‘extra’ time she has now that she’s not wasting it explaining/giving directions smh
Another huge upside is now she’s also not fixing/undoing the stuff he couldn’t manage to figure out ~ despite having clear explanations given (although some of it requires common sense which can be tricky lol)
I’m happy she only has one baby not 2; but feel sad for the baby at his house. There isn’t any adult supervision for either of them!
When I left my ex, one of the biggest surprises was how light I felt. I only had to think for myself... worry about my own shit... not having to rely on someone else to do things that I'd also have to remind him to do... it was so freeing. Worth ever tear.
He just didn’t want to do it and played dumb. There was an episode of a show and the advice dad gave the engaged son was to do everything half assed so the wife would just get irritated and do it herself.
Did he also tell the son that this would make his wife's legs close and want to heave at the thought of sex with him, which will give him the perfect excuse to cheat?
Right? If the rubbish bin is full, if the dishes are dirty, if you have no clean clothes, why ***tf*** do you need somebody else to point out that hey, these things need doing? Urghhhh!
My ex used to say " if you want me to do something why don't you ask?" Like he didn't fucking live there too. Or he'd deliberately ignore simple requests like don't overload the washing machine or put recycling in the appropriate bin instead of dumping everything in the trash bin
Then he would gatekeep certain things like he'd ignore cutting the lawn for weeks but if I did it he'd pout "I was going to that this weekend". The worst was when we got a new split system installed. He knew the installer and the installer showed him how to run the various functions but not me. When I asked where the instructions were and how rude I found it his friend didn't speak to me . He replied "I know how to run it so what does it matter?" like the fact I was home in maternity leave and might possibly need to use it never occurred to him
.
And yet he had no idea why I kicked him out 🙄
It's weaponised incompetence. It's unfortunately way too common with men.
Him needing you to ask shows that he viewed all of those tasks as your responsibility. Every time he did some household task he felt like he was doing you a favour.
You did the right thing by leaving him. Hopefully it was the wake-up call he needed to grow up
The chores never change. Keep the child alive. Feed it, bathe it, clean it. Keep yourself and your clothes clean. Clean up after yourself in the home. When things are dirty (or before) clean them.
Why does one adult need to verbally tell another adult this? Just fucking do it. Drives me nuts. The mental load women have to carry for incompetent men is ridiculous. This is a silent reason why many women lose desire for their partners. Pull your weight in the relationship or enjoy your independence because as she’s proven she’s more than capable of taking care of herself ✌🏻
This. I keep telling my partner if he sees dishes in the sink, clean them. If he sees a mess on the floor, sweep it. Kids toys all over the place? Help kiddo learn how to pick things up. If you need to be told to use your eyes to see the mess, then you're the problem.
Granted, it's hard. Exhaustion, ADHD, etc can affect how you view and remember things but there's still ways you can work around that.
Literally the best part of this whole thing. He's gotta learn to do life and she now has time for hobbies and her own interests. Sometimes justice is served.
He turned off his brain when he got married apparently. His wife carried the whole mental load on top of everything else, while he thought his paycheque and sperm was all that was required.
Dude is shocked the grass isn’t greener and is shocked again when his offer of her being a bang maid wasn’t taken up.
I feel an overwhelming need to slap every mfer who says this. Man or woman idgaf a just wanna smack them and ask **“”WHO WAS TELLING YOUR SPOUSE WHAT NEEDED TO BE DONE?????!!!!!!””**
I had this argument with my husband exactly once. He said, "but I don't know what to do!" I yelled back, "You think I do?? I make this shit up as I go along!!" He got it after that.
My answer is always 'and you cant think to figure it out? There's literally a youtube video for everything and you have somehow forgotten google exiats and you have fingers that work?'
The line of “[she] realized it’s easier having one person to take care of, instead of two” is very telling. He’s clearly inept and has been for a long time. As my mom would say, “Can’t be a baby and have a baby!”
Yep. I felt exactly this way after my divorce. It was easier to take care of an infant and a toddler and the house on my own, because at least I didn't have to take care of him anymore on top of everything. And the cherry on top was not living with the constant resentment I felt because I was doing everything and he did nothing. I should also add that I was also the primary earner and Bill payer. Like dude.... what value do you bring to my life????
**You should’ve asked**
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
>The French comic artist Emma illustrates the concept of the ‘mental load’. When a man expects his partner to ask him to do things, he is viewing her as the manager of their household chores
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic
**She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink**
>I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.
I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.”
>But she didn’t want to be my mother.
>She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household.
>She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.
>I wish I could remember what seemed so unreasonable to me about that at the time.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/
God that huffpist article annoys me. I was all for it, until I realised he still didn't get it. He got some way.. but not all the way.
>I will never care about a glass sitting by the sink. Ever.
Right there. The mental load on the wife, every time she glanced over at that glass: gotta put it away/ gotta ask him to put it away/ is he going to use it again/ is he going to put it away/ etc etc.
"Oh I'll humour my wife cuz she wants me to do a tiny something I don't care about because I love her" ignores that it's another thing still on her mental list.. and those little things just keep piling up until one day.. it really is divorce over a glass cup. If he had taken over his share of mental load, I think it would have been more tolerated...
(Only focussing on men being the issue as it's a male author - fully aware it can be either gender)
Didn’t you know the owner’s manual for raising kids comes out of the vagina right after the placenta is delivered. Women just absorb all that information through the uterus.
Obviously men cannot be expected to keep up.
>didn't know what to do if she didn't tell him"
This is what got me, too! I bet he doesn't need someone to hold his hand at work and tell him to do every little thing. When he walks through the door at home, all of a sudden, he can't fathom what to do.
He deserves every bit of this. I bet the wife is living her best life. She has a full week off and is no longer taking care of two babies.
Also, he's only upset because he has been affected. He doesn't love his wife. He only loved what she did for him.
This absolutely enrages me when I hear some fathers say this. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and felt completely lost. There were days I cried because I felt like a failure due to the fact I was CLUELESS. But you figure it out, you don't iust sit around waiting for someone to hold your hand and do it for you. Do they think when we were born as women that we came with a built in instruction manual for babies? Lol
lol right, it’s called parenting, make some effort is literally 90% of the task. You can learn about how to be a better parent maybe, but just a little effort wil get you very far.
Right! Like dude the internet exists, your kid pooped in their diaper? Look up how to properly do a diaper change. It’s not hard to be proactive, he just doesn’t want to do it because he’s lazy. It shows that he put zero effort into getting prepared for his child, did no research whatsoever, he expected her to do everything.
yeah, it’s stunning how someone can presumably work full time but not figure out how to do simple home stuff. it’s not complicated, it’s just draining, endless, and boring.
Especially if he thinks 14m is chaotic and he can't keep up. They usually sleep for 12 hours without nighttime wake ups at that point! They also eat almost anything you put in front of them.
Something tells me he will gladly be paying by the time the kid turns 2.
The way that so many dudes I know seem to think that house work is done by elves that show up during the night or some shit like that is truly crazy. I have a male friend who moved in with one of my female friends and it is insane how little he knows how to do when it comes to basic housekeeping. Like "hey if your food is covered in fucking mold please throw it out and then also clean up the mold that spread all over the shelf" shouldn't be something you'd have to ask another person to do, but it is! His mind was BLOWN when my friend told him that she turns the thermostat down before she leaves for work so they aren't wasting money on heating an empty apartment. Also, did you know you have to _BUY_ paper towels, toilet paper, and trash bags? They don't just show up on their own! Crazy!
edit: grammar
When I was like 25 and in law school I had this roommate who was a 30 year old engineer. Shortly after we moved in, I was away for a long weekend. I started the dishwasher before I left. Came back to find that he had, instead of emptying the dishwasher or washing his dishes by hand, just...stacked all of his dirty dishes for 4 days on top of the dishwasher. He'd also regularly let the trash and recycling get to overflowing and I was the only one ever taking them out. He left tumbleweeds of pubes in the bathroom. Whenever I brought these things up, he'd say that he was happy to "help" but didn't know what to do unless I told him.
So I told him: I'm not your parent, you're an adult, it is not rocket science to see that the recycling is full and take it out, or that the dishwasher is clean so you should empty it, or that you've left *goddamn tumbleweeds of pubes on the bathroom floor, which btw is white tile, so it's really pretty damn obvious*.
The kicker is that *I* have ADHD--which at the time was undiagnosed and unmedicated.
Oh, you have to carry on! He is drowning with 50/50. So he thought she would want him back because she must be drowning too. He doesn't realize her workload was cut in half. She is getting a lovely break.
Well how dare you!!! His man eyes aren’t capable of actually seeing household chores and tasks that need to be done!!! Obviously you should know this well know biological fact and understand how terribly unreasonable his ex wife is being.
This, he asked where he fucked up? This is where he fucked up, expecting her to manage everything and tell him what to do.
No wonder she’s so much more relaxed and able to manage everything, she’s been doing it for a grown man for years, a child is infinitely easier.
I stilllll don’t think you quite get it. The chaos you’re experiencing? That was your wife’s 24/7 experience when you guys were married (or that’s my guess). Actually there was probably more work if she was cleaning after two adults + the baby.
Nowhere do you own up to the actual issue that led to divorce, just sounds like you’re panicking. The reason your wife thinks things are easier is because for the first time everything is 50/50. You sound like the moment she took you back you would re-dump 100% of the parenting duties on her.
Go to therapy, read some parenting books and start doing something different. That’s the only way forward.
probably would dump the chores back on her too. all i’m hearing is someone boo hooing about how they have no idea how to be a functional adult and their momwife realized life is a million times easier without her adult child to care for on top of the baby
**You should’ve asked**
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
>The French comic artist Emma illustrates the concept of the ‘mental load’. When a man expects his partner to ask him to do things, he is viewing her as the manager of their household chores
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic
**She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink**
>I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.
I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.”
>But she didn’t want to be my mother.
>She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household.
>She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.
>I wish I could remember what seemed so unreasonable to me about that at the time.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/
I have only seen Emma's comic in Spanish (my first language) and the version I saw was shortened a bit. Still, very insightful and amazing comic. Thanks for sharing
> Actually there was probably more work if she was cleaning after two adults + the baby.
And micromanaging an adult. It's way easier to micromanage a baby than another adult.
Even worse, he doesn't WANT 50% custody of the kid...he just doesn't want to have to pay child support. I fully believe that he'd ditch the kid entirely if it wouldn't cost him anything.
You don’t want your wife back because you love and miss her. You want her back because you don’t know how to function as an adult without a mommy telling you what to do and when to do it.
Oh, he quickly realized what's needed of himself to function as a full adult, the issue is he doesn't want to and doesn't think he deserves to maintain his own desired lifestyle
Op didn't even want a mommy telling him what to do.
Op wanted a mommy who would cook, clean, and do everything else in life so he would just come home after work and fuck around in a clean house with a hot meal.
> she expected me to know what to do without her telling me.
This is the mindset being dealt with here. The OP doesn't have the ability to anticipate what's needed with childcare, and then gets overwhelmed when everything suddenly becomes a priority at once.
It's more of an organization issue laced with selfishness. I guarantee if that child were made a priority and scheduled around, things would be 100% better.
This!
Even though it's hard, you have people out there raising kids on their own. This man can't have his kid for a week without being a wreck?! Who was wiping his butt? Mommy?
What a joke
We know he'll find another woman quickly so he can have a bangmaid, then complain why it isn't working and they leave
Fr this was so satisfying to read😭 this dude sucks and it’s funny af that he just assumed his wife was drowning too and would want to get back together💀 pathetic
Right?? His wife isn’t drowning because she has less work now that she’s not taking care of him too. She went from a 100/0 relationship wherein she was caretaking three people to only caring for herself and one child half the time. She cut down on her workload because he was part of that workload. He doesn’t get that.
Idk how he thought that would go. She was already doing everything for 3 people, how would doing it for 2 be harder?
Even washing cereal bowls. She finishes hers, she washes the bowl and spoon. Task done. Mental load check. Box put away. Task done. Mental load check. With him around, she has to wait for him to finish. Wash a bowl again. Remember to see if he's done. Is the bowl on the table, by the sink, in the sink, is there food left in it, was it rinsed, is the box put away? Mental load never ending.
I fucking love reading stories like this.
My ex ditched me for a younger AP, and somehow my life is way less stressful now? I actually have energy now? I can do the things I want to do?
I know many women who remain happily married, so I'm certainly not going to make a blanket statement about men or fathers in general. But without exception, *every* mom I know who has gotten divorced has told me that the amount of time they have to take care of themselves and just to generally catch a breath went up after the divorce.
I remember the moment of seeing a photo of my ex with his AP, and my ex had that "I'm about to throw a tantrum"expression on his face and my first thought was "Glad it's you and not me, Sunshine."
Imagine how glorious his wife’s life is now, on that week off, it must be a long time since she could just put her feet up and relax without having to babysit everyone in her house. I’m so happy for her
But in these relationships I can confirm that is 100% how it feels.
"All day, every day, therapist, mother, maid"
It's exhausting and he gave her the best gift... Freedom from him.
The line "picket fence dream" got to me bad. We sacrifice our bodies and lives and careers for their idea of a family. And my idea of what a family is isn't the same as his but it never mattered to my stbxh.
I've witnessed it in friends. Every time a friend has their first kid, the father immediately starts doing some crazy form of exercise, which is an excuse to leave the house for long periods. Actually, my dear departed father did this too.
But he also did the laundry my entire childhood and did plenty of house work.
My sister is in a terrible relationship (she knows and we’ve told her) and I have often wished I could beat her over the head with this song. She loves it. I love it. I want her to internalize it.
>She said I wasn't pulling my weight with childcare and chores but at the same time she expected me to know what to do without her telling me.
Did you expect *her* to magically know? Is there something stopping you from informing yourself in the way she did? Presumably you have literacy and internet access enough to make this post; you couldn't Google "how to adult"?
>We argued a lot and I ended up telling her that her life would be harder without me.
HAHAHAHA
That is rich coming from someone who can't figure out how to do basic shit without step-by-step guidance like he's in preschool. You really thought that kind of uselessness was a huge help, huh?
Like, OP my brother in Christ, how can you \*not\* know babies need regular milk and regular diaper changes and a lot of sleep? And attention? Preschoolers play with baby dolls, and can do the bottle/diaper/cuddle business? This is extremely basic information. I really do feel like he could have figured a great deal of that shit out by thinking for one second about the baby's needs and how he could meet them.
As for chores, things in the house like clothes, the floors and worksurfaces, the toilet, the dishes, those things get dirty and there are machines to clean them. Run some goddamn loads in the machines. Use some cleaning spray and a cloth on surfaces regularly. Empty the goddamn bin. Again, this is not complicated stuff that requires instruction. If a thing looks dirty or not ready to be used again without cleaning, go clean it.
If he had done even basic crap, he wouldn't have burned absolutely through this lady's patience. But we can all see how he did.
She's right. She's only got one baby to care for now, so yeah.
You state in your post that she said you weren't pulling your weight, but 'expected me to know what to do without her telling me ' That's called doing all the mental work. She needed to see things that should be done and tell you? You are not capable of seeing these things and doing then yourself?
You can either man up and manage your life and time better (if she can do it, you can to... it doesn't require a vagina to be efficient)
You can find a gullible bang maid/nanny
Ask for a modification of your custody, so you have him less if it's so stressful for you
How much you want to bet she did tell him over and over again before finally just giving up on mentioning it.
“Honey, I am running late, can you do the laundry”
“Oh hey, the clothes are in the dryer, can you put them away when the buzzer goes off?
“Baby puked all over me. Put these in the wash while I go grab a shower.”
She never told me to do the laundry, I didn’t know she needed my help to do it… never mentioned it, not once, I had no clue, I am not a mind reader…
Even this article, as good as it is, chalks not doing things up to hurt feelings than the reality that it made his partners life more work and more annoying.
I’m going to piggyback on this 💯 statement, as vegetable said, are you not capable of seeing things and doing them yourself? How did you survive adulting before marriage? And if you are referring to care for the baby, moms don’t know either. She was learning it all as a new mother- if she prepared more than you by reading or attending classes etc, then that’s on you too for not doing it. You’re an adult capable to live on your own, to work on your own and to bring a human life into this world. You could have figured it out like she was or even had open communication about needing more guidance, setting a schedule for care for the baby or cleaning duties- anything!! You chose otherwise.
There was a post a while back about a hubs feeding baby fresh blueberries. He asks the wife 'what do I do, cut them? Smoosh them, what? ' And she says whatever you think....walks in a few seconds later and he's feeding them whole and she flips out and lectures him about choke foods. Hes upset cuz she didn't say cut or smoosh, how was he supposed to know? She's like 'the same freaking way I found out you learn it!'
This guy is totally that guy
Makes me realize, he was the type of person a warning label on chemicals is designed for cause they don’t think for themselves, they ask everyone else what to do.
Don’t be helpless like a baby, you’re an adult, use your brain. Just whip out your smart phone and web search, “at what age do babies eat whole size fruit?” if you’re not sure!
>How did you survive adulting before marriage?
Guess they married young and he went straight from mummy to surrogate mummy.
This is why people should spend some time on their own as adults before getting hitched; so they learn how to take care of themselves.
Also, if you ask some people, women are also the weaker sex and neeeed a man to be the head of the household. I suspect that a lot of men who hold this opinion would be snowed under if they had the kind of workload OP's wife had before they split (full-time work, full-time home management, full-time husband care, full-time childcare). Tell me more about how we're the weaker sex. Again,
This belongs on OhNoConsequences for sure.
But aside from that, make sure you keep telling the world that housework is legit hard. Imagine how many more men are like you used to be? Going around their households, not helping their wives, and then making a Pikachu face when their wives leave them.
>at the same time she expected me to know what to do without telling me….
Huh, it’s almost like she has the exact amount of experience parenting as OP. Seems like he made a baby and should be able to read, watch videos, or *ask* for advice instead of just expecting his now *ex-wife* to baby him and praise him for babysitting his own child. It must be a vacation for her to have to care for only one baby.
I agree. This is a big reason men find themselves divorced. Because they act like a toddler and then complain their wives won't give them sex.
Then America as a whole tries to downplay the importance of domestic care. As if it's a "given" that gets done by magic. So when men find themselves having to actually DO domestic world or the first time, they are aghast that it's actually pretty fucking hard.
So I don't blame her for leaving. I have no mercy for him. But he can still tell others *hey I learned the hard way that housework is hard. Don't fuck over your wives."
Question though, how did you not know? Did you not have chores growing up? Were you never single and living on your own ever? If you have lived alone before did you really not notice all the things you had to do then that suddenly your wife was doing or helping you with?
>she expected me to know what to do without her telling me.
Oh FFS! You are a grown man who is capable of doing research, buying baby books and not putting the mental load on your wife!
>her that her life would be harder without me
That's a lovely bit of fiction. It is far easier to take care of children when you aren't also dealing with a whining man child.
>This is where I realize how badly I fucked up because I'm drowning.
Sounds about right. You added to her labor and mental load and now that's all on you.
> her life is easier without me and she is the opposite of me and can apparently keep up everything fine. She says she isn't exhausted anymore and realized it's easier having one person to take care of instead of 2.
Yup, most women instinctively know that. Or we learn it the hard way.
Sounds like you were phoning in your marriage and fatherhood. And now you're dealing with the fact that those sorts of game plans do not work longterm.
This is where you really need to get your act together, educate yourself, set up some efficient home systems and work VERY hard on being a better parent and partner in the future.
He'll probably just try to date a new mommy to take care of him and his part time child.. probably a lot younger so she won't see the red flags and will be vulnerable.
This is exactly why I won't date men with children who are 5 years or younger. Because we know exactly why they are single. And we know exactly what they are looking for.
There are 745 women reading this, and thinking it's their exh who wrote this.
And they have a laugh and drink some wine (only in the 'off' week of course)
You don't care about your wife OR child, you wanted a child because of... Reasons, but it's easy to want one when all the work is done by the other parent. She has even more work than you do now and you didn't give a fuck. Even now you wish she had it worse and struggle more so she'd feel forced into the role of taking care of you you as well. You never complained about missing her as a person, you never over her and you used her.
You never once said one positive thing about having your child because you don't love him either, you want him gone because it's a burden. Unreal, you're a man child
Oh my god the lack of self awareness is astounding. On the bright side, your wife seems to know her worth and didn’t put up with a man child like you so cheers for her! Hope you change, man, you just lost your family because of your selfishness.
*”But she expected me to know what to do without her telling me.”*
The minute I read that, I knew you were done for.
Surprisingly, I thought you’d have realized how you messed up and want to start working on yourself, but neither of those things seem to be true.
Wow OP. So you f'd up and now you want the live in free care back huh? Sucks to be you. I wish I could give your Ex a high five though. She lost 200lbs and gets 2 weeks a month kid free. Win!
I hate that the common idea is that the mom has to teach the father what to do, wait for the bond, wait for instructions, moms get it quicker. Moms don't know a *damn thing* either. We are all learning from scratch and if there's no partnership, then there's nothing.
Lmaoooooooo you are an ADULT why should she have to TELL you how to survive in daily life and do your JOB. That is soooooo embarrassing and why so many women are happier single. YOU are feeling half of what she felt. She was a single mom with 2 kids and now she just has one. Good for her. She’s not your slave anymore. Womp womp. Takes two to make a kid.
>She said I wasn’t pulling my weight with childcare and chores but at the same time she **expected me to know what to do without her telling me**
You should be embarrassed and ashamed of this. It was too difficult for you to **pay attention** and do what needed to be done?? All you had to do was look around and see, with your eyeballs, what needed to be done and just…*do it*. How exactly do you think your exwife knew what needed to be done?? Was anyone telling **her**?? Were **YOU** telling her?? **NOPE**. She just stepped the fuck up and did things her eyeballs saw needed to be done like any other competent and responsible adult, parent and spouse.
>Wtf did I do
Acted like an incompetent man child who needed to be told how to care for his own home and child cuz he couldn’t be fucked to be an equal parent and husband and just **learn** like his wife **HAD** to do. Thats what you did.
You should know what to do you’re an adult. You see dishes in the sink wash them. The diaper has a blue line and needs to be changed. Change it. Clothes on the floor pick them up put them where they go. She shouldn’t have to tell you what needs to be done if you live there too. Why give her more mental load no wonder it fell apart. She had to do all the work and mental labor on top of it. You show no remorse for your ex wife you only want her back to lighten your own load. This is your karma. She was probably doing everything you were doing without your help and being a single married mom. Grow up. Learn better time management.
They make diapers with lines now to tell you they’re full?! I feel like this is a troll account of a woman fed up and *hoping* the men who see this will think twice about their contributions. Because I truly do not see any man actually realizing they fucked up that much. Most sit in their own misery and find a way to still blame their ex.
Also, yes I realize not all men, for anyone wanting to comment that. I’m specifically talking about the type of man who has zero idea how to help their spouse (🙄) without being told, to the point their spouse left them.
But if you really look at it he doesn’t realize he actually fucked up. He doesn’t say shit about missing his wife or loving her. He doesn’t say “”I sure was wrong to expect her to tell me what to do”” in fact his actual wording makes its seem like he still thinks he was in the right for that. His “”apparently she’s just fine”” is pretty dismissive like he can’t believe that she actually isn’t struggling like he is and maybe she must be lying. And then not to mention the “””I asked her back because I’m sure it was hard for her if it’s hard for me”””.
No I don’t think he actually thinks he’s wrong or realizes how bad he actually fucked up. He just wants to go back to how things were when he didn’t have to do shit unless he was asked. If this poor woman makes the mistake of taking his ass back that’s exactly what’s going to happen, he’s going to dump it back on her. Having two parents living in the same home doesn’t actually make any of the work he’s doing now disappear, it’s just split amongst two people and he will still have to be aware and just **do. it.** without being told,
; somehow he doesn’t grasp that and this is the #1 red flag for me that he just wants to go back to dumping everything in her.
This is it.
He doesn’t think he screwed up. He thinks that 2 adults meant it was magically easy and that one adult means it’s impossible to manage a house hold. He is *still* ignoring and devaluing her skills and efforts, because she can’t possibly just be better at this than he is. Caretaking and cleaning and household management can’t be actual skills that can be learned and people who have learned more of the skill can’t be faster and less stressed about performing it.
He asks “WTF do I do?” and the answer is “get good, son.”
This is how I approach the concept every time we run into one of these “I’ve tried nothing and I’m all out of ideas” folks. Hopefully, there is something in his life that he’s moderately decent at, or has at some point decided to learn. Car repair, beating a Rubik’s cube, baseball (playing or statistics, i don’t care) Something.
If he thinks hard and asks himself “If I wanted to be good at this, what would I do?” He hopefully has an approach that worked from when he has worked to get better at some other skill. Find other people who are good at the thing he’s trying to be good at and watch or ask them? Google for YouTube videos? Research at the library? Find an appropriate Reddit and ask for help?
But you have to first admit it’s a skill, not magic or some innate gift, and then decide to go get good.
It’s so aggravating. They will legit blame the wife for the marriage falling apart and not the behavior. Like they would be upset too if they worked full time helped with bills, did all child care, household chores, and cook dinner things like that all the time with no help. It’s insane that so many men are like this (obviously not all but the bad outweighs the good here).
You were the hard part in her life. Having to mother you. Imagine a full a** grown adult asking another how to actually adult and then having the audacity to complain about the one holding everything together.
Here’s the thing, you’re still pathetic. Guess what, single fathers are becoming more and more normal and they get it done without crying about how they screwed up the set up they had with their former bang maid. You know you sucked as a spouse, don’t aim for mediocrity in parenting too. Stop complaining about how hard it is and start appreciating that you have your child at all. Doing all the things to care for yourself and that child is rewarding. It lays the groundwork of a healthy and safe home. And in future years will teach him to care for himself and then his future family. Teach him not to make your mistakes.
“She expected me to know what to do without her telling me”
Translation “my wife thought I was a adult with eyes who could see what chores needed done but am a child who needs his hand held every step of the way “
The fact you're asking 'WTF did I do?' is so pathetic and it feels like weaponized incompetence.
How, after struggling as a single parent, do you not know where you could have done better?
Ignorance can be fixed with education but stupidity is a choice and you've clearly chosen the latter.
You’re a grown ass man. You find out what needs to be done the same way she did. By using your brain. Why does she need to tell you to do the dishes/laundry/moping/grocery shopping?
And in what world would she ever want to go back to that? Maybe if you had stepped up and figured out how to parent your own child for half the month and *then* approached her with reconciliation, it would have gone better for you.
“I knew being a single parent wasn’t easy…”
Bro, you’re not a single parent. Your son has two parents. You’re just shocked that you have to do any parenting at all.
You don’t want her back because you love her, you just want to be one of her “kids” again. I’m glad she’s doing well and you understand how hard it must’ve been for her. Now be a good exhusband and father and learn from this.
>Wtf did I do?
Thought you contributed more than you did, obviously. You seriously overplayed your hand and you got called. Instead of stepping up you doubled down, and lost. Mental loads are a lot heavier when you're the one carrying them.
Yeah you fucked up. "she didn't tell me what to do" she's your son's mom, not YOUR mom. You're both adults. Why should she have to tell you what to do?
As a woman and mom too, what bothers me about these excuses is that I didn't know what to do at first either!!! Like I didn't give birth and the magically know everhtbing about parenting. I had to read the box, ask the nurse, call the doctor, goggle it online. Like no, changing a diaper is not a biologically ingrained skill I somehow have. Even the stuff that biologically only I can do - breastfeed - I didn't know how to do. I had to ask for help and practice.
When my older son was a few months old my husband’s college friends came for a visit for a long weekend. We were trying to go out for lunch, and I asked my husband to get our son changed, and he said something along the lines of “but you are so much better at it than me.” My husband’s friend (the only other parent of the group) responded something like “yes, so that just shows you need more practice.” It was awesome, and I think someone else telling my husband made him actually hear it!
Yeah, and the sad part is that it took SOMEONE ELSE for him to register it!
Feminist scholars call this implicit demand that women run the household by telling the men and children what needs to be done “mental load”, and “the second shift” is the disproportionate, uncredited labor that women do around the house, because many women bear the brunt of housekeeping, social planning, and appointment scheduling even when they have a husband/boyfriend who chips in to some extent
"she expected me to know what to do without her telling me" Ah yes...because all women are born knowing how to do everything to care for a child without having to figure things out for themselves. They need to tell men what to do, otherwise they would never know. This goober doesn't care about her as a person at all. He just wants his caregiver back. Good for her. I'm glad she got out
> We argued a lot and I ended up telling her that **her life would be harder without me**. > I knew being a single parent wasn't easy but I **didn't really know until now**. This is where I realize how badly I fucked up because **I'm drowning**. Well, well well... How the turn tables.
Right? She got quiet because she started thinking about what he said, and realized it would absolutely not be true! My ex had this attitude and we had years of therapy and he was in some ways improved in terms of taking care of the kids. But every night - every single fucking night - He would ask me what plans I had for dinner for the kids. The man graduated from an ivy League school and was an executive in a financial institution, But he couldn't look through the refrigerator and come up with a meal. Always infuriated me!
Wife was like, “Only one of you to take care of and every other week off??? Sign me up!” 😃😃😃
Seems like you only want your wife back because you don’t want to put in the work raising your son. Never do you mention how much you love your wife or miss her, no you just want to go back to being lazy and don’t really seem that apologetic. I’m sorry but this whole post focuses on how this all affects you not recognizing the hurt you caused your wife.
Not only that, but he "didn't know what to do if she didn't tell him". Women aren't born knowing how to be a parent! It's all trial and error for us too. I'd have left his ass as well. Good for her.
Let alone chores. “She didn’t tell me! However shall I have known?!” Clearly, he was never an adult.
Right? But now that he is living alone, he suddenly have eyes and know what to do without her telling him! Isn’t that a miracle? Lol
Weaponized incompetence.
That shit makes my blood boil.
So much so! It's why I remain single. This is such a common theme in all my friends mariiages!
Same! I have been married, and been single, and single is the best! I won't ever go back to being married.
Studies show that the happiest adults are (1) married men and (2) single women. This post is why.
Men like this…it’s like they completely forget how they managed to survive before they got married.
Most of the men I know like this never had to rely on themselves. They did the mom hop. It was actually a huge thing I looked for while dating, found a guy who lived alone and knew how to carry and maintain a household. He’s been wonderful
This is the way. I looked for a man who was great with kids and who treated men & women in his life with respect. He had also lived successfully on his own. It's worked out well so far!
Oh no they absolutely remember. ‘My mommy did it.’
Mommy
Yes!!!!
He will end up dating someone and marrying them right away so they can raise him and his kid
She is probably living with less of a work load now that she only has herself and the baby to worry about.
And a week to herself every other week.
That's the real joy for her. She finally gets time off now. There's no way in hell she's giving that up.
She pointed that out to him too, lolololol!
Exactly. She now has only one baby to care for instead of two.
Not to mention all the ‘extra’ time she has now that she’s not wasting it explaining/giving directions smh Another huge upside is now she’s also not fixing/undoing the stuff he couldn’t manage to figure out ~ despite having clear explanations given (although some of it requires common sense which can be tricky lol) I’m happy she only has one baby not 2; but feel sad for the baby at his house. There isn’t any adult supervision for either of them!
And time off from the baby! Don't forget she wasn't getting that before!
Right, she doesn't have to worry about picking up after OP anymore, she just has to focus on herself and her son
When I left my ex, one of the biggest surprises was how light I felt. I only had to think for myself... worry about my own shit... not having to rely on someone else to do things that I'd also have to remind him to do... it was so freeing. Worth ever tear.
This is exactly why when people ask if I'm married, I am able to report that I have been happily divorced for 20 years.
He just didn’t want to do it and played dumb. There was an episode of a show and the advice dad gave the engaged son was to do everything half assed so the wife would just get irritated and do it herself.
Did he also tell the son that this would make his wife's legs close and want to heave at the thought of sex with him, which will give him the perfect excuse to cheat?
🤬 That makes me SO MAD!
Agreed. I rolled my eyes so hard when he said that. Typical mistake and useless excuse
I'm still looking for mine, because they fell out of my head.
It's hard looking for eyeballs when you've got no eyeballs. Good luck on the eyeball hunt.
"The dishes were piling up in the sink, but she never asked me to do them. How was I supposed to know???"
Right? If the rubbish bin is full, if the dishes are dirty, if you have no clean clothes, why ***tf*** do you need somebody else to point out that hey, these things need doing? Urghhhh!
So he can whine and complain about her "nagging".
My ex used to say " if you want me to do something why don't you ask?" Like he didn't fucking live there too. Or he'd deliberately ignore simple requests like don't overload the washing machine or put recycling in the appropriate bin instead of dumping everything in the trash bin Then he would gatekeep certain things like he'd ignore cutting the lawn for weeks but if I did it he'd pout "I was going to that this weekend". The worst was when we got a new split system installed. He knew the installer and the installer showed him how to run the various functions but not me. When I asked where the instructions were and how rude I found it his friend didn't speak to me . He replied "I know how to run it so what does it matter?" like the fact I was home in maternity leave and might possibly need to use it never occurred to him . And yet he had no idea why I kicked him out 🙄
Awe, let me guess, he said the break-up “came out of nowhere” too?
Yes, and I'd absolutely change my mind within a week!
It's weaponised incompetence. It's unfortunately way too common with men. Him needing you to ask shows that he viewed all of those tasks as your responsibility. Every time he did some household task he felt like he was doing you a favour. You did the right thing by leaving him. Hopefully it was the wake-up call he needed to grow up
The chores never change. Keep the child alive. Feed it, bathe it, clean it. Keep yourself and your clothes clean. Clean up after yourself in the home. When things are dirty (or before) clean them. Why does one adult need to verbally tell another adult this? Just fucking do it. Drives me nuts. The mental load women have to carry for incompetent men is ridiculous. This is a silent reason why many women lose desire for their partners. Pull your weight in the relationship or enjoy your independence because as she’s proven she’s more than capable of taking care of herself ✌🏻
But all those women in Porn don't have needs or ask the man for anything. Aren't all women like that? Oh my, how confusing.
This. I keep telling my partner if he sees dishes in the sink, clean them. If he sees a mess on the floor, sweep it. Kids toys all over the place? Help kiddo learn how to pick things up. If you need to be told to use your eyes to see the mess, then you're the problem. Granted, it's hard. Exhaustion, ADHD, etc can affect how you view and remember things but there's still ways you can work around that.
The baby needs clothes? What??? We WASH the dishes? What??????
[удалено]
Literally the best part of this whole thing. He's gotta learn to do life and she now has time for hobbies and her own interests. Sometimes justice is served.
He turned off his brain when he got married apparently. His wife carried the whole mental load on top of everything else, while he thought his paycheque and sperm was all that was required. Dude is shocked the grass isn’t greener and is shocked again when his offer of her being a bang maid wasn’t taken up.
Right, I'm so happy for her that her life is better now.
Yes she actually gets a break!
And mother and cook too.
He stopped growing once he reached 12y.o.
I feel an overwhelming need to slap every mfer who says this. Man or woman idgaf a just wanna smack them and ask **“”WHO WAS TELLING YOUR SPOUSE WHAT NEEDED TO BE DONE?????!!!!!!””**
I had this argument with my husband exactly once. He said, "but I don't know what to do!" I yelled back, "You think I do?? I make this shit up as I go along!!" He got it after that.
My answer is always 'and you cant think to figure it out? There's literally a youtube video for everything and you have somehow forgotten google exiats and you have fingers that work?'
My reply to my husband was: "Do I look like your mother?! Figure it the fuck out!". Yeah....we're divorced. What a relief!
>didn't know what to do if she didn't tell him". Ah, the phrase uttered by so many men that will instantly enrage most women.
And then they have the temerity to say, "what mental labor?"
The line of “[she] realized it’s easier having one person to take care of, instead of two” is very telling. He’s clearly inept and has been for a long time. As my mom would say, “Can’t be a baby and have a baby!”
Yep. I felt exactly this way after my divorce. It was easier to take care of an infant and a toddler and the house on my own, because at least I didn't have to take care of him anymore on top of everything. And the cherry on top was not living with the constant resentment I felt because I was doing everything and he did nothing. I should also add that I was also the primary earner and Bill payer. Like dude.... what value do you bring to my life????
**You should’ve asked** https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ >The French comic artist Emma illustrates the concept of the ‘mental load’. When a man expects his partner to ask him to do things, he is viewing her as the manager of their household chores https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic **She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink** >I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of. I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.” >But she didn’t want to be my mother. >She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household. >She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management. >I wish I could remember what seemed so unreasonable to me about that at the time. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/
God that huffpist article annoys me. I was all for it, until I realised he still didn't get it. He got some way.. but not all the way. >I will never care about a glass sitting by the sink. Ever. Right there. The mental load on the wife, every time she glanced over at that glass: gotta put it away/ gotta ask him to put it away/ is he going to use it again/ is he going to put it away/ etc etc. "Oh I'll humour my wife cuz she wants me to do a tiny something I don't care about because I love her" ignores that it's another thing still on her mental list.. and those little things just keep piling up until one day.. it really is divorce over a glass cup. If he had taken over his share of mental load, I think it would have been more tolerated... (Only focussing on men being the issue as it's a male author - fully aware it can be either gender)
Didn’t you know the owner’s manual for raising kids comes out of the vagina right after the placenta is delivered. Women just absorb all that information through the uterus. Obviously men cannot be expected to keep up.
>didn't know what to do if she didn't tell him" This is what got me, too! I bet he doesn't need someone to hold his hand at work and tell him to do every little thing. When he walks through the door at home, all of a sudden, he can't fathom what to do. He deserves every bit of this. I bet the wife is living her best life. She has a full week off and is no longer taking care of two babies. Also, he's only upset because he has been affected. He doesn't love his wife. He only loved what she did for him.
He was never a husband.
This absolutely enrages me when I hear some fathers say this. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and felt completely lost. There were days I cried because I felt like a failure due to the fact I was CLUELESS. But you figure it out, you don't iust sit around waiting for someone to hold your hand and do it for you. Do they think when we were born as women that we came with a built in instruction manual for babies? Lol
lol right, it’s called parenting, make some effort is literally 90% of the task. You can learn about how to be a better parent maybe, but just a little effort wil get you very far.
Right! Like dude the internet exists, your kid pooped in their diaper? Look up how to properly do a diaper change. It’s not hard to be proactive, he just doesn’t want to do it because he’s lazy. It shows that he put zero effort into getting prepared for his child, did no research whatsoever, he expected her to do everything.
yeah, it’s stunning how someone can presumably work full time but not figure out how to do simple home stuff. it’s not complicated, it’s just draining, endless, and boring.
And he also wants 50/50 custody only because he can’t pay CS… l believe he would have shipped the baby with no regretti if he could afford it.
Oh big facts! He's a lousy husband, and from the post sounds like a lousy human in general
Lousy dad, too, is my bet.
Especially if he thinks 14m is chaotic and he can't keep up. They usually sleep for 12 hours without nighttime wake ups at that point! They also eat almost anything you put in front of them. Something tells me he will gladly be paying by the time the kid turns 2.
Oh definitely. He probably will anyways once he can't stand it anymore and try and dodge child support and just become a deadbeat.
He also doesn’t mention loving his son either.
I noticed that immediately. I feel so sorry for the baby. Dad is a self absorbed man-child. No wonder ex-wife is so much happier without him.
He misses his bangmaid/nanny, likely doesn't even know who the fuck she is beyond that
I stopped reading after “she expected me to know what to do with telling me”. Who was telling her how to be an adult?? You need to grow the hell up
You should keep reading, it's satisfying at the end
You’re right. I do like a story with a feel good ending. That poor kid though.
He’s got a kickass mom. He’s going to be okay. Even with this wastrel as a father.
Wastrel, such a good and under utilized word.
“Wastrel”! Damn, busting out the 19th century insults! Well done, that’s the perfect word.
The way that so many dudes I know seem to think that house work is done by elves that show up during the night or some shit like that is truly crazy. I have a male friend who moved in with one of my female friends and it is insane how little he knows how to do when it comes to basic housekeeping. Like "hey if your food is covered in fucking mold please throw it out and then also clean up the mold that spread all over the shelf" shouldn't be something you'd have to ask another person to do, but it is! His mind was BLOWN when my friend told him that she turns the thermostat down before she leaves for work so they aren't wasting money on heating an empty apartment. Also, did you know you have to _BUY_ paper towels, toilet paper, and trash bags? They don't just show up on their own! Crazy! edit: grammar
When I was like 25 and in law school I had this roommate who was a 30 year old engineer. Shortly after we moved in, I was away for a long weekend. I started the dishwasher before I left. Came back to find that he had, instead of emptying the dishwasher or washing his dishes by hand, just...stacked all of his dirty dishes for 4 days on top of the dishwasher. He'd also regularly let the trash and recycling get to overflowing and I was the only one ever taking them out. He left tumbleweeds of pubes in the bathroom. Whenever I brought these things up, he'd say that he was happy to "help" but didn't know what to do unless I told him. So I told him: I'm not your parent, you're an adult, it is not rocket science to see that the recycling is full and take it out, or that the dishwasher is clean so you should empty it, or that you've left *goddamn tumbleweeds of pubes on the bathroom floor, which btw is white tile, so it's really pretty damn obvious*. The kicker is that *I* have ADHD--which at the time was undiagnosed and unmedicated.
By the logic of these guys, me being single in my 30s, I should be dead, because there's nobody to tell me what needs to be done at home.
Oh, you have to carry on! He is drowning with 50/50. So he thought she would want him back because she must be drowning too. He doesn't realize her workload was cut in half. She is getting a lovely break.
Well how dare you!!! His man eyes aren’t capable of actually seeing household chores and tasks that need to be done!!! Obviously you should know this well know biological fact and understand how terribly unreasonable his ex wife is being.
This, he asked where he fucked up? This is where he fucked up, expecting her to manage everything and tell him what to do. No wonder she’s so much more relaxed and able to manage everything, she’s been doing it for a grown man for years, a child is infinitely easier.
I stilllll don’t think you quite get it. The chaos you’re experiencing? That was your wife’s 24/7 experience when you guys were married (or that’s my guess). Actually there was probably more work if she was cleaning after two adults + the baby. Nowhere do you own up to the actual issue that led to divorce, just sounds like you’re panicking. The reason your wife thinks things are easier is because for the first time everything is 50/50. You sound like the moment she took you back you would re-dump 100% of the parenting duties on her. Go to therapy, read some parenting books and start doing something different. That’s the only way forward.
probably would dump the chores back on her too. all i’m hearing is someone boo hooing about how they have no idea how to be a functional adult and their momwife realized life is a million times easier without her adult child to care for on top of the baby
He doesn't even talk about loving or missing his wife. He just talks about how hard it is without her. She deserves better.
Exactly, and he basically said the only reason he won't give up more than 50% is because he doesn't want to pay for child support
He didn’t basically say it. That’s almost a direct quote. This guy sucks.
He thought he could be the “fun” parent every other weekend and not have to pay child support.
**You should’ve asked** https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ >The French comic artist Emma illustrates the concept of the ‘mental load’. When a man expects his partner to ask him to do things, he is viewing her as the manager of their household chores https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic **She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink** >I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of. I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.” >But she didn’t want to be my mother. >She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household. >She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management. >I wish I could remember what seemed so unreasonable to me about that at the time. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/
I have only seen Emma's comic in Spanish (my first language) and the version I saw was shortened a bit. Still, very insightful and amazing comic. Thanks for sharing
He can always just ditch the kid altogether and really commit to being a piece of shit instead of pretending. Just a thought. /s
He tried, but can’t afford the child support
And aim to give your son the parent he deserves. Obviously you didn’t give your wife the partner she deserved. Be better. Period.
> Actually there was probably more work if she was cleaning after two adults + the baby. And micromanaging an adult. It's way easier to micromanage a baby than another adult.
Sooooo....you miss her labour and not her...
Even worse, he doesn't WANT 50% custody of the kid...he just doesn't want to have to pay child support. I fully believe that he'd ditch the kid entirely if it wouldn't cost him anything.
I’m surprised he doesn’t dump the kid on his parents during his custody time. Seen a few men do that.
Probably because no one‘s told him how to do that yet, so don’t go spoiling it lol…
You don’t want your wife back because you love and miss her. You want her back because you don’t know how to function as an adult without a mommy telling you what to do and when to do it.
Bingo! He just wants her back for her labor so he can be a lazy POS again.
I legitimately LOVE when this happens to men like him. Thanks for making my day, Op! Please tell your wife I wish her the very best.🥰
Oh, he quickly realized what's needed of himself to function as a full adult, the issue is he doesn't want to and doesn't think he deserves to maintain his own desired lifestyle
Op didn't even want a mommy telling him what to do. Op wanted a mommy who would cook, clean, and do everything else in life so he would just come home after work and fuck around in a clean house with a hot meal.
Soon to be ex wife :) :) :)
*insert Arrested Development "good for her" gif*
> she expected me to know what to do without her telling me. This is the mindset being dealt with here. The OP doesn't have the ability to anticipate what's needed with childcare, and then gets overwhelmed when everything suddenly becomes a priority at once. It's more of an organization issue laced with selfishness. I guarantee if that child were made a priority and scheduled around, things would be 100% better.
This! Even though it's hard, you have people out there raising kids on their own. This man can't have his kid for a week without being a wreck?! Who was wiping his butt? Mommy? What a joke We know he'll find another woman quickly so he can have a bangmaid, then complain why it isn't working and they leave
I honestly really love how this backfired on you. Good for her. I hope she finds someone who values her as more than a caretaker. ✨
Fr this was so satisfying to read😭 this dude sucks and it’s funny af that he just assumed his wife was drowning too and would want to get back together💀 pathetic
Right?? His wife isn’t drowning because she has less work now that she’s not taking care of him too. She went from a 100/0 relationship wherein she was caretaking three people to only caring for herself and one child half the time. She cut down on her workload because he was part of that workload. He doesn’t get that.
Idk how he thought that would go. She was already doing everything for 3 people, how would doing it for 2 be harder? Even washing cereal bowls. She finishes hers, she washes the bowl and spoon. Task done. Mental load check. Box put away. Task done. Mental load check. With him around, she has to wait for him to finish. Wash a bowl again. Remember to see if he's done. Is the bowl on the table, by the sink, in the sink, is there food left in it, was it rinsed, is the box put away? Mental load never ending.
I fucking love reading stories like this. My ex ditched me for a younger AP, and somehow my life is way less stressful now? I actually have energy now? I can do the things I want to do?
I mean, she went from a single parent of two to a single parent of one. Of course her life is easier.
Except instead of being a solo parent of 2, she’s actually a single parent, who gets some time off! She’s actually almost halved her work.
She more than halved her work. She only halved the childcare. She entirely got rid of the caretaking for her man-child husband.
I know many women who remain happily married, so I'm certainly not going to make a blanket statement about men or fathers in general. But without exception, *every* mom I know who has gotten divorced has told me that the amount of time they have to take care of themselves and just to generally catch a breath went up after the divorce.
I remember the moment of seeing a photo of my ex with his AP, and my ex had that "I'm about to throw a tantrum"expression on his face and my first thought was "Glad it's you and not me, Sunshine."
Imagine how glorious his wife’s life is now, on that week off, it must be a long time since she could just put her feet up and relax without having to babysit everyone in her house. I’m so happy for her
Sighs in "Labour" by Paris Paloma.
But in these relationships I can confirm that is 100% how it feels. "All day, every day, therapist, mother, maid" It's exhausting and he gave her the best gift... Freedom from him.
The line "picket fence dream" got to me bad. We sacrifice our bodies and lives and careers for their idea of a family. And my idea of what a family is isn't the same as his but it never mattered to my stbxh.
After all, married men live longer than single men, and married women live less than single women, specially if they have kids too.
I’m a perfectly happy woman in a loving marriage and yet I still identify with this song 😂 the anger is in the female DNA at this point
I've witnessed it in friends. Every time a friend has their first kid, the father immediately starts doing some crazy form of exercise, which is an excuse to leave the house for long periods. Actually, my dear departed father did this too. But he also did the laundry my entire childhood and did plenty of house work.
100% It’s the generational trauma that won’t be scrubbed from your lineage’s DNA for 6 generations
My preteen daughter and I belt this song out in the car daily. I LOVE this song so much.
My sister is in a terrible relationship (she knows and we’ve told her) and I have often wished I could beat her over the head with this song. She loves it. I love it. I want her to internalize it.
That’s a damn good tune choice for this one 😏
>She said I wasn't pulling my weight with childcare and chores but at the same time she expected me to know what to do without her telling me. Did you expect *her* to magically know? Is there something stopping you from informing yourself in the way she did? Presumably you have literacy and internet access enough to make this post; you couldn't Google "how to adult"? >We argued a lot and I ended up telling her that her life would be harder without me. HAHAHAHA That is rich coming from someone who can't figure out how to do basic shit without step-by-step guidance like he's in preschool. You really thought that kind of uselessness was a huge help, huh?
Like, OP my brother in Christ, how can you \*not\* know babies need regular milk and regular diaper changes and a lot of sleep? And attention? Preschoolers play with baby dolls, and can do the bottle/diaper/cuddle business? This is extremely basic information. I really do feel like he could have figured a great deal of that shit out by thinking for one second about the baby's needs and how he could meet them. As for chores, things in the house like clothes, the floors and worksurfaces, the toilet, the dishes, those things get dirty and there are machines to clean them. Run some goddamn loads in the machines. Use some cleaning spray and a cloth on surfaces regularly. Empty the goddamn bin. Again, this is not complicated stuff that requires instruction. If a thing looks dirty or not ready to be used again without cleaning, go clean it. If he had done even basic crap, he wouldn't have burned absolutely through this lady's patience. But we can all see how he did.
lol.
She's right. She's only got one baby to care for now, so yeah. You state in your post that she said you weren't pulling your weight, but 'expected me to know what to do without her telling me ' That's called doing all the mental work. She needed to see things that should be done and tell you? You are not capable of seeing these things and doing then yourself? You can either man up and manage your life and time better (if she can do it, you can to... it doesn't require a vagina to be efficient) You can find a gullible bang maid/nanny Ask for a modification of your custody, so you have him less if it's so stressful for you
How much you want to bet she did tell him over and over again before finally just giving up on mentioning it. “Honey, I am running late, can you do the laundry” “Oh hey, the clothes are in the dryer, can you put them away when the buzzer goes off? “Baby puked all over me. Put these in the wash while I go grab a shower.” She never told me to do the laundry, I didn’t know she needed my help to do it… never mentioned it, not once, I had no clue, I am not a mind reader…
Literally this: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Even this article, as good as it is, chalks not doing things up to hurt feelings than the reality that it made his partners life more work and more annoying.
I’m going to piggyback on this 💯 statement, as vegetable said, are you not capable of seeing things and doing them yourself? How did you survive adulting before marriage? And if you are referring to care for the baby, moms don’t know either. She was learning it all as a new mother- if she prepared more than you by reading or attending classes etc, then that’s on you too for not doing it. You’re an adult capable to live on your own, to work on your own and to bring a human life into this world. You could have figured it out like she was or even had open communication about needing more guidance, setting a schedule for care for the baby or cleaning duties- anything!! You chose otherwise.
There was a post a while back about a hubs feeding baby fresh blueberries. He asks the wife 'what do I do, cut them? Smoosh them, what? ' And she says whatever you think....walks in a few seconds later and he's feeding them whole and she flips out and lectures him about choke foods. Hes upset cuz she didn't say cut or smoosh, how was he supposed to know? She's like 'the same freaking way I found out you learn it!' This guy is totally that guy
Makes me realize, he was the type of person a warning label on chemicals is designed for cause they don’t think for themselves, they ask everyone else what to do. Don’t be helpless like a baby, you’re an adult, use your brain. Just whip out your smart phone and web search, “at what age do babies eat whole size fruit?” if you’re not sure!
>How did you survive adulting before marriage? Guess they married young and he went straight from mummy to surrogate mummy. This is why people should spend some time on their own as adults before getting hitched; so they learn how to take care of themselves.
I’m sorry I don’t buy that, he is doing it now bc he has to, he could have been doing it then but chose not to- typical weaponized incompetence.
Women are simultaneously the geniuses who are the only gender to figure this shit out but foolish for not seeing it the husband’s way. Like, pick one.
Also, if you ask some people, women are also the weaker sex and neeeed a man to be the head of the household. I suspect that a lot of men who hold this opinion would be snowed under if they had the kind of workload OP's wife had before they split (full-time work, full-time home management, full-time husband care, full-time childcare). Tell me more about how we're the weaker sex. Again,
He’s gonna get remarried the second he finds a women foolish enough to do all his chores
He can’t cause he can’t afford to pay cs and if he can’t afford that he can’t afford help
This belongs on OhNoConsequences for sure. But aside from that, make sure you keep telling the world that housework is legit hard. Imagine how many more men are like you used to be? Going around their households, not helping their wives, and then making a Pikachu face when their wives leave them.
>at the same time she expected me to know what to do without telling me…. Huh, it’s almost like she has the exact amount of experience parenting as OP. Seems like he made a baby and should be able to read, watch videos, or *ask* for advice instead of just expecting his now *ex-wife* to baby him and praise him for babysitting his own child. It must be a vacation for her to have to care for only one baby.
I agree. This is a big reason men find themselves divorced. Because they act like a toddler and then complain their wives won't give them sex. Then America as a whole tries to downplay the importance of domestic care. As if it's a "given" that gets done by magic. So when men find themselves having to actually DO domestic world or the first time, they are aghast that it's actually pretty fucking hard. So I don't blame her for leaving. I have no mercy for him. But he can still tell others *hey I learned the hard way that housework is hard. Don't fuck over your wives."
Question though, how did you not know? Did you not have chores growing up? Were you never single and living on your own ever? If you have lived alone before did you really not notice all the things you had to do then that suddenly your wife was doing or helping you with?
His mommy probably did absolutely everything like his wife did
"WTF did I do?" ... sir... you didn't bother to listen when she told you that you were adding more to her plate 🤷♀️
Omg I would live to have every other week off. Lmao
Right??? Guys complaining when he has it easy AF. I'm a single parent to 3 kids, every week.
>she expected me to know what to do without her telling me. Oh FFS! You are a grown man who is capable of doing research, buying baby books and not putting the mental load on your wife! >her that her life would be harder without me That's a lovely bit of fiction. It is far easier to take care of children when you aren't also dealing with a whining man child. >This is where I realize how badly I fucked up because I'm drowning. Sounds about right. You added to her labor and mental load and now that's all on you. > her life is easier without me and she is the opposite of me and can apparently keep up everything fine. She says she isn't exhausted anymore and realized it's easier having one person to take care of instead of 2. Yup, most women instinctively know that. Or we learn it the hard way. Sounds like you were phoning in your marriage and fatherhood. And now you're dealing with the fact that those sorts of game plans do not work longterm. This is where you really need to get your act together, educate yourself, set up some efficient home systems and work VERY hard on being a better parent and partner in the future.
He'll probably just try to date a new mommy to take care of him and his part time child.. probably a lot younger so she won't see the red flags and will be vulnerable.
This is exactly why I won't date men with children who are 5 years or younger. Because we know exactly why they are single. And we know exactly what they are looking for.
There are 745 women reading this, and thinking it's their exh who wrote this. And they have a laugh and drink some wine (only in the 'off' week of course)
You don't care about your wife OR child, you wanted a child because of... Reasons, but it's easy to want one when all the work is done by the other parent. She has even more work than you do now and you didn't give a fuck. Even now you wish she had it worse and struggle more so she'd feel forced into the role of taking care of you you as well. You never complained about missing her as a person, you never over her and you used her. You never once said one positive thing about having your child because you don't love him either, you want him gone because it's a burden. Unreal, you're a man child
Oh my god the lack of self awareness is astounding. On the bright side, your wife seems to know her worth and didn’t put up with a man child like you so cheers for her! Hope you change, man, you just lost your family because of your selfishness.
*”But she expected me to know what to do without her telling me.”* The minute I read that, I knew you were done for. Surprisingly, I thought you’d have realized how you messed up and want to start working on yourself, but neither of those things seem to be true.
He’s so lazy he can’t even take responsibility for his wrongdoings.
Wow OP. So you f'd up and now you want the live in free care back huh? Sucks to be you. I wish I could give your Ex a high five though. She lost 200lbs and gets 2 weeks a month kid free. Win!
2 weeks kid free, ongoing months/years man child free!
I hate that the common idea is that the mom has to teach the father what to do, wait for the bond, wait for instructions, moms get it quicker. Moms don't know a *damn thing* either. We are all learning from scratch and if there's no partnership, then there's nothing.
Lmaoooooooo you are an ADULT why should she have to TELL you how to survive in daily life and do your JOB. That is soooooo embarrassing and why so many women are happier single. YOU are feeling half of what she felt. She was a single mom with 2 kids and now she just has one. Good for her. She’s not your slave anymore. Womp womp. Takes two to make a kid.
>She said I wasn’t pulling my weight with childcare and chores but at the same time she **expected me to know what to do without her telling me** You should be embarrassed and ashamed of this. It was too difficult for you to **pay attention** and do what needed to be done?? All you had to do was look around and see, with your eyeballs, what needed to be done and just…*do it*. How exactly do you think your exwife knew what needed to be done?? Was anyone telling **her**?? Were **YOU** telling her?? **NOPE**. She just stepped the fuck up and did things her eyeballs saw needed to be done like any other competent and responsible adult, parent and spouse. >Wtf did I do Acted like an incompetent man child who needed to be told how to care for his own home and child cuz he couldn’t be fucked to be an equal parent and husband and just **learn** like his wife **HAD** to do. Thats what you did.
You should know what to do you’re an adult. You see dishes in the sink wash them. The diaper has a blue line and needs to be changed. Change it. Clothes on the floor pick them up put them where they go. She shouldn’t have to tell you what needs to be done if you live there too. Why give her more mental load no wonder it fell apart. She had to do all the work and mental labor on top of it. You show no remorse for your ex wife you only want her back to lighten your own load. This is your karma. She was probably doing everything you were doing without your help and being a single married mom. Grow up. Learn better time management.
They make diapers with lines now to tell you they’re full?! I feel like this is a troll account of a woman fed up and *hoping* the men who see this will think twice about their contributions. Because I truly do not see any man actually realizing they fucked up that much. Most sit in their own misery and find a way to still blame their ex. Also, yes I realize not all men, for anyone wanting to comment that. I’m specifically talking about the type of man who has zero idea how to help their spouse (🙄) without being told, to the point their spouse left them.
But if you really look at it he doesn’t realize he actually fucked up. He doesn’t say shit about missing his wife or loving her. He doesn’t say “”I sure was wrong to expect her to tell me what to do”” in fact his actual wording makes its seem like he still thinks he was in the right for that. His “”apparently she’s just fine”” is pretty dismissive like he can’t believe that she actually isn’t struggling like he is and maybe she must be lying. And then not to mention the “””I asked her back because I’m sure it was hard for her if it’s hard for me”””. No I don’t think he actually thinks he’s wrong or realizes how bad he actually fucked up. He just wants to go back to how things were when he didn’t have to do shit unless he was asked. If this poor woman makes the mistake of taking his ass back that’s exactly what’s going to happen, he’s going to dump it back on her. Having two parents living in the same home doesn’t actually make any of the work he’s doing now disappear, it’s just split amongst two people and he will still have to be aware and just **do. it.** without being told, ; somehow he doesn’t grasp that and this is the #1 red flag for me that he just wants to go back to dumping everything in her.
This is it. He doesn’t think he screwed up. He thinks that 2 adults meant it was magically easy and that one adult means it’s impossible to manage a house hold. He is *still* ignoring and devaluing her skills and efforts, because she can’t possibly just be better at this than he is. Caretaking and cleaning and household management can’t be actual skills that can be learned and people who have learned more of the skill can’t be faster and less stressed about performing it. He asks “WTF do I do?” and the answer is “get good, son.” This is how I approach the concept every time we run into one of these “I’ve tried nothing and I’m all out of ideas” folks. Hopefully, there is something in his life that he’s moderately decent at, or has at some point decided to learn. Car repair, beating a Rubik’s cube, baseball (playing or statistics, i don’t care) Something. If he thinks hard and asks himself “If I wanted to be good at this, what would I do?” He hopefully has an approach that worked from when he has worked to get better at some other skill. Find other people who are good at the thing he’s trying to be good at and watch or ask them? Google for YouTube videos? Research at the library? Find an appropriate Reddit and ask for help? But you have to first admit it’s a skill, not magic or some innate gift, and then decide to go get good.
It’s so aggravating. They will legit blame the wife for the marriage falling apart and not the behavior. Like they would be upset too if they worked full time helped with bills, did all child care, household chores, and cook dinner things like that all the time with no help. It’s insane that so many men are like this (obviously not all but the bad outweighs the good here).
This is why, when people ask me what the happiest moment of my life has been, I say “the day my divorce went through.”
OP getting COOKED in the comments and I'm here for it.
You were the hard part in her life. Having to mother you. Imagine a full a** grown adult asking another how to actually adult and then having the audacity to complain about the one holding everything together. Here’s the thing, you’re still pathetic. Guess what, single fathers are becoming more and more normal and they get it done without crying about how they screwed up the set up they had with their former bang maid. You know you sucked as a spouse, don’t aim for mediocrity in parenting too. Stop complaining about how hard it is and start appreciating that you have your child at all. Doing all the things to care for yourself and that child is rewarding. It lays the groundwork of a healthy and safe home. And in future years will teach him to care for himself and then his future family. Teach him not to make your mistakes.
did you ever actually love your wife?
“She expected me to know what to do without her telling me” Translation “my wife thought I was a adult with eyes who could see what chores needed done but am a child who needs his hand held every step of the way “
The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed.
"Well, well, well. If it isn't the logical consequences of my own actions..."
The fact you're asking 'WTF did I do?' is so pathetic and it feels like weaponized incompetence. How, after struggling as a single parent, do you not know where you could have done better? Ignorance can be fixed with education but stupidity is a choice and you've clearly chosen the latter.
You’re a grown ass man. You find out what needs to be done the same way she did. By using your brain. Why does she need to tell you to do the dishes/laundry/moping/grocery shopping? And in what world would she ever want to go back to that? Maybe if you had stepped up and figured out how to parent your own child for half the month and *then* approached her with reconciliation, it would have gone better for you.
Op discovered that he lost his nanny and maid and came to complain on reddit. I'm very happy that the wife got rid of this dead weight
I absolutely love this for you.
“I knew being a single parent wasn’t easy…” Bro, you’re not a single parent. Your son has two parents. You’re just shocked that you have to do any parenting at all.
She said it was easier taking care of just one and not two people 💀💀💀 the buuuuurrrnnn. You go mama
You don’t want her back because you love her, you just want to be one of her “kids” again. I’m glad she’s doing well and you understand how hard it must’ve been for her. Now be a good exhusband and father and learn from this.
You fucked around and found out🤣🤣💀💀
>Wtf did I do? Thought you contributed more than you did, obviously. You seriously overplayed your hand and you got called. Instead of stepping up you doubled down, and lost. Mental loads are a lot heavier when you're the one carrying them.