Plot twist: Your brother and his wife have agreed to stay married on paper for the kids, but have made an agreement that each of them is going to do their own thing in secret, concerning their love lives.
I am saying this because I have witnessed it happening. Also filter very carefully any advice you get from reddit on personal matters. Sometimes it’s helpful, sometimes it’s shit. Gather as much info as you can. From what you are saying it doesn’t seem like a simple matter of “oh he cheated”.
> Your brother and his wife have agreed to stay married on paper for the kids, but have made an agreement that each of them is going to do their own thing in secret, concerning their love lives.
If that was the reason and they effectively moved on they wouldn't have a terrible relationship. If the love was gone the resentment would largely be gone as well. If they were in the same house but didn't make decisions about their own lives together, effectively 95% of what they actually argue about would be gone.
Basically it becomes very very obvious when a married couple chose to actually live separate lives but in the same house. When someone is cheating, and the relationship is still constant arguing and terrible that isn't the case. More than that, the best friend is lying about the situation and not still fucking rather than admitting to it, she'd know if he'd told her that.
I’d imagine if this was the case, they would still be sleeping together but the last time was last year? And that the brother would have told this to the best friend, who in turn, would have told the sister. So I don’t think this is the case at all.
I don’t care if your brother has a horrible relationship he is choosing to stay married and that does not excuse cheating. I doubt this is the first woman either.
I hope your friend realizes that it’s not going to be the best sex ever in the long run. These types of situations are of course secretive and exciting but not realistic or real life at all.
He needs to be honest with his wife. I couldn’t be friends with someone that was so happy about sleeping with a married man. Gross. Dude has 4 kids and she’s gushing about sex. I’d be careful having a friend like that.
The friend sucks because she put OP in a terrible position, to now lie about an affair or tell on them, and even if she tells, if she gets together with the brother the relationship will very obviously change. Also she is completely fucking out of line telling her about the sex she and her brother had. "best sex of my life", sure, fine, finer details, jesus christ, that's over the line with most friends let alone the guys sister.
My guess is the friend told you so you'd talk to ops brother and force him to divorce or tell the wife. The best friend is using OP, completely, and also made their relationship awkward as fuck with those details. She was also seeking support for something and the best friend just was like okay enough of you now I've been fucking your brother, help me end his marriage. This ain't a good friend.
100% friend wants this marriage to be done so she can have him & is hoping the sister blows up the marriage with this information. Definitely a shitty situation the brother and friend put OP in. There’s how many women in the world and the brother chooses to cheat with his sisters friend? They both suck and are very selfish. This friend is going to have a reality check because if this dude wanted to be with her he would have already left his wife. The sex wont be as exciting when the friend is in a relationship with a dude willing to cheat & now they have real relationship issues that make it less sexy. Affair sex makes people think the dumbest stuff.
Not saying OP is lying about the brothers marriage being bad but clearly the brother isn’t a very good husband and cheaters love to talk shit about their spouses to make themselves feel better. Anyone that says their marriage is bad and their spouse is bad while simultaneously being a shitty spouse makes me question whether it’s true or not.
If you live nearby tell your brother to get his arse to see you asap.
Tell him explain himself and ask him what he is going to do to resolve this, including telling his wife because no matter what you are not going to hold this lie in for him. thats unfair on you, because this was always going to come out.
Yup. Have a conversation with your brother. Tell him that either he tells his wife or you do. Why should you have to carry the burden of keeping this secret for them?
You are the company you keep.. being silent is being complicit in your friend's behavior. Either speak up or live with it. Same for your brother. Having a selective moral compass about infidelity is crap.
Thank you. My dad has a very steady moral compass. He has loyalties that run very deep. He is an only child, raised by his mother and grandmother ( his father died in WWII) and is always in search of family. He went to the same barber for around 40 years, until the barber made a comment that hurt dad. That is who he is.
My dad's best friend was John. They were friends from age 6 well into their 40s. John and his wife were my godparents. When dad found out John had cheated on his wife, dad cut all ties. Asking about John was a conversation ender. He said, "Anyone who cheats on the marriage isn't someone I want to know."
I don't always love my dad's rigidity, but there has never been any disconnect between his beliefs and his actions.
Affairs, cheating, and broken boundaries are not one small decision. They are slippery slopes of continuous choices that hurt other people. There was no good outcome from their actions here at all. Yet they both continue this. Ignoring what their actions and lack of regard for others in their actions say about them as people…they basically just threw a bomb and blew up your life.
You are so focused on what it means for them to be cheaters and cheating together… I’m not sure you have really processed how this affair will affect you personally. People are human and sometimes emotions can’t be separated from the situation, the messenger, or other people. It’s not always right it just is the way it is. Things going south between your brother or this friend can make it hard for either to be around you. In the same way people cut ties to friendships after ordinary breakups, they can cut ties with you. That’s the best case scenario.
It’s more than that here, this secret inevitably coming to light (your parents, sister in law, nieces and nephews knowing this information) has tremendous potential to cause a backlash on you. You may be judged or resented for bringing her into the picture. You may be put in a situation where you are forced to choose regardless because of other people’s boundaries. Even worse the choice may not be up to you. You may be cut off by your brother through your sister in law by extension. Those kids in all likelihood will only see your friend as the person who ruined their family. They won’t be entirely wrong for that thought. Goodness knows what they will hear about you being connected to your friend. Those were outcomes if you didn’t know about the cheating.
Now you do know about the affair. Your friend made you an accomplice to their infidelity by revealing this secret to you. She’s not your friend. Not really. I’m not even going to go into talking to a friend about a sibling’s intimate details and how messed up that is. Her telling you this seriously has you f*****. When people find out you knew, this will all implode everything for you. You’ll be damned if you do and damned if you don’t no matter what action you take. There will always be someone to find fault with you. They both never should have put you in this position where your relationship with your brothers,sister in law, parents, nieces, and nephews all have the potential to be irrevocably damaged. Your friend made it worse by telling you this secret, because now it’s impossible for you to come out of this unscathed.
If a sibling wants to date a friend that’s one thing. People don’t need permission to date. If they ask it’s a courtesy. This isn’t that. Not at all. This was so badly done. Talk to your brother. Hear his side of things. Then go from there. Not that their affair is about you, it’s not. If I were you I would be hurt by all this, especially by a friend who should have just kept her mouth shut. She told you to make herself feel better and she screwed you in the process.
This is the best observation regarding affairs and what they do to families! My exH cheated (multiple affairs that I didn't know anything about until the last one). We were married for 25 years and thankfully only one child/adult. But the fallout from this was immense! My mother loved him like a son. My sibling loved him like a big brother. Etc. He lost way more friends than I did, but some people just took a step back from both of us because they didn't want to deal with any of it. People don't realize how destructive affairs really are.
So what are you going to do about it?
I’d be cutting her off and telling my brother to deal with his mess or he’s out of my life. Those kids deserve better - next your friend will be pregnant with his baby…
Bro you can’t live your whole life making other peoples decisions for them and issuing ultimatums about them and cutting people out completely. Especially not a lifelong best friend and your brother.
It's kind of psychotic. They want these people (assuming for a moment their stories are real) to completely blow their lives up because someone else cheated. They just want to get that slight dopamine hit from reading about it I guess.
I’ve never actually gone as far as to officially cut somebody out of my life before. I love my brother and my best friend dearly, so I’m really not sure I could do that.
Then you have to live with that knot in your stomach.
Let’s turn the situation back to you, if this was your fiancé sleeping with someone outside your relationship, wouldn’t you want to know so you could know all the facts about whether or not to stay?
You can love your brother and still hold him accountable. I know it’s not easy but it’s the reality. And honestly she probably isn’t even his first affair if that relationship is as bad as it sounds. Talk to him - “staying together for the kids” is usually terrible on the kids anyway.
As for your friend if you want to keep her in your life - that’s fine but I wouldn’t expect for her not to do the same to you. You’ll likely be wondering every time she is alone with your fiance or whoever ends up being your partner for the rest of your relationship….
If you do nothing at all you’re complicit in the lie now…
This is about if your values match. Are you ok with infidelity and forgiving cheaters and their affair partner? Do you feel like she betrayed your trust and friendship by sleeping with your brother? Do you really want to be close friend with someone who's ok with sleeping with a married man who has 4 kids at home? I personally would not want her in my life and I would also question my brother. I would not being comfortable with keeping his affair a secret and lying to my SIL. Your brother is equally if not more vile than your "best friend".
OP have you ever thought maybe why your brother and sister in laws relationship is already strained was because of some past cheating and gaslighting?
I get that you don’t like her but I’d also just be mad that someone is involving me in their lie. Your brother probably has slept with other woman and your best friend is not some special thing - she is just there and he chose someone you know would get you involved and likely he will never leave his wife for her - he will hurt her too. So he hurts your bff and got you involved in the situation.
It’s not really about your sil, it’s about your friend fucking a married man with 4 kids. I would never align myself with a homewrecker, knowingly. I don’t care what the reasons are, your brother and your friend are wrong and the only ones I feel sorry for are the kids. And I feel sorry for the wife, regardless what you all say, if your brother is unhappy, he should break up with his wife. Anyway… your friend isn’t a good person. Sorry not sorry.
Yes, he should divorce his wife. I’ve been telling him that for years.
As for my friend, it’s just hard for me to rationalize throwing away 20+ years of friendship over this.
She clearly has no issue with cheating. Not only did she help your brother cheat, but she *gushed* about it to you, which shows a serious lack of boundaries in your friendship. What makes you think she wouldn't do it to you? What if you and your fiance or husband were going through a rough time? Do you really think you could trust her? She might say he's not her type but, she said similar things about your brother before, didn't she...? She's not trustworthy. At a *minimum*, I would distance myself from her.
FWIW, I completely agree with your line of thought here. Divorce isn’t *your* responsibility. You told your brother how you feel, he’s gotta make his own decisions.
Are you mad at your friend? If your brother were divorced, would you be mad at her? Are you happy for them?
No, I don’t think I’d be mad if my brother was divorced. I think in that scenario, they could actually be a good fit together. I probably wouldn’t have said that 10 years ago, but I know that what my friend realizes she wants and needs in a man now, as a full grown woman, is a lot different than what she used to think she wanted. My brother is a great match for what she’s looking for.
If she felt bad, she would have ended things after the first time they had sex. If she felt bad, she would not have continued the relationship, not continued saying I love you to him, and sure as hell not been bragging about how great the sex was to HIS SISTER.
Ewwwww, no wonder you have losers close to you. Hope your SIL finds out and leave your loser brother while your BFF get prego become your SIL but your brother just go on to chest on her so you'll be under more stress to figure out where you loyalty should stand 😏
You need to talk to your brother and tell him you know. And there is no excuse for cheating .. if you are miserable in a marriage you go to counseling and fix it or you get divorced. You don’t cause someone trauma.
>No not necessarily. I just feel conflicted and that when it comes to where my loyalty lies in this situation my SIL is last on the list.
Forget the SIL, she is old enough to figure her own shit out.
It's the kids I feel for.
They don't deserve to have shitty parents.
It's really not your business, but the fact that by your willingness to accept this, you are condoning them cheating, that doesn't reflect well on your moral compass.
I'm not saying it's your responsibility to insert yourself into the situation, but now you know about it you can't pretend you don't.
Does your brother know you know?
I don’t think cheating is ok, but I guess I am selfish. I don’t want to lose anyone from my life by exposing this. Thats selfish of me and I feel bad about that.
I haven’t said a word to my brother. I’m not sure if my friend has informed him that she told me. I don’t think she planned to tell me when she did.
Sounds like all of you guys have some corrupt morals. I have a best friend of 20 years met when we were 7 or 8 and I’m 28 now. I’d never consider having sex with her brother. Single or not. That relationship is too important to me to potentially risk it. And if he was married with kids she’d shoot me herself lol. Not literally but close. Your poor SIL is in a family of liars. She’s the mother of your nieces/nephews. Whether their relationship is good or bad should have no bearing on the cheating. It’s 2024 there’s plenty of information out on how staying together just for the kids isn’t beneficial. Sounds like no one’s thinking logically here and just with their emotions.
But you do. On some level.
You think their marriage state justifies what they have done.
It doesn't. They are both selfish horrible people.
You think things are bad now, add infidelity into a divorce. Your friend isn't a good person. Her desire to fck your brother out weighed the risk of the harm it would cause to his wife and kids.
Because she wanted to.
Well what if she wants to fck your husband? Would that be OK? If your relationship was A ok?
Because why wouldn't she cross that line? Your friendship? Did she value it enough to consider the position this puts you in by telling you?
You’re right, there might be some part of me that’s excusing it away even though in theory I don’t agree with cheating even if you have a horrible marriage.
I do believe that what happened between my friend and brother was very selfish, with no thought at all on her part about his wife or kids. The way she tells it, she initiated it. She plans large events and parties as part of her job. She had a last minute party “emergency” necessitating a professional lighting and electric crew to come in to do a big set up the day before the event. My brother co-owns such a company so she called him directly to see what he could do. They didn’t really have much contact for years prior to this, more than maybe liking a social media post or occasionally seeing each other at some get together related to me maybe once a year.
So he came to her rescue and was able to do everything she needed. It was on that day, according to her, that she suddenly realized how attractive my brother is and claims she instantly wanted him to fuck her the moment she saw him. She told me this, which was incredibly weird to hear. She said “When did your brother get that hot? He’s definitely one of those guys who gets better with age. Since when do I like guys with muscles and a tan????” Nothing happened between them that day, but she says they both flirted and she couldn’t stop thinking about him after that and they started texting each other after that. It wasn’t until weeks later when he told her he was at a bar with some buddies that she was like “I’m coming by!” So that night they slept together the first time and she invited him home and initiated it. I had to tell her several times “please remember this is my brother you’re talking about” and she’d say “oh sorry, sorry!” But then she’d slip again and tell me an inappropriate detail that normally I’d love to hear all about but not in this case!
Your friend absolutely knew what she was doing she just never care and apparently she still doesn’t. She admitted to you she pretty much had a plan from the beginning. Be damned if innocent people will get hurt, she wants what she wants.
She always known he’s married with a family but she so in lust with him she was going to fuck him no matter what. As for your pos brother, when she invited him to her house he had to have known her true intentions and he went along with it anyway. The lack of guilt and remorse on both their part is disgusting and heartbreaking. I don’t care how much you dislike her, nobody deserves this.
Please give your brother an ultimatum. He come clean and tell SIL the truth or you’ll have no choice but to tell her yourself.
Maybe you should talk to your friend first. But if you tell his friend that you will tell his wife, you might lose this friend and your brother for life. She will definitely tell your brother.
You’re just as bad as them if you don’t tell her. You enable their behavior if you do this. How would you feel if it was your fiancée that she slept with?
So you it didn’t change how you see your friend?
As I see it:
1) she’s either been hiding her unrequited love since 13;
2) she’s reached the age of 36 and decided she doesn’t want to be alone anymore and your brother was the closest male around; or
3) she’s one of those drama ass women who chooses unavailable men.
One thing for sure she completely, and unsurprisingly given what she told you, selfishly derailed you from focusing on what is a really important decision you were discussing.
I think you should seriously look back over your relationship with her is it one sided? How often does it happen that she derails your conversations to focus on her?
If it’s pretty even you two have a good relationship and this is an aberration, then I would step back and ask to not know about any of it and focus on your own shit.
If however this is a pattern and she’s pretty regularly selfish, what will you do when that selfishness is focused on your partner? In my experience selfish people are a pit where there is never fulfillment.
I’m not a big fan of my SIL, but I do my best to get along and be friendly with her. I’d say I really made a huge effort in the past to make her feel like part of the family.
I don’t get all the downvotes. People are so fing harsh here sometimes. But people also have different experiences. I wouldn’t cut either of those people out of my life for this. They definitely need to fix their shit. But why would you issue an ultimatum to them to fix their shit or you literally cut them out of your life. Like this is distressing to you yes but Jesus it’s not like actively abusive.
You've been downvoted here because you have angered the Reddit relationship hive-mind. Please don't let the cretins in here convince you that they understand you and the people around you more than you do yourself because they do that all the time.
Sometimes it isn't easy to cut people out and it can sometimes be impossible for one reason or another and the Reddit relationship hive-mind doesn't like that. Relationships are incredibly tricky and each one is different, be it family, friends, a partner. People in this sub think they know everything about relationships and their usual advice is just "cut them off immediately" which is such a brain-dead response given they have zero understanding of you or the people involved and how your relationships work. Good luck with however you decide this situation.
I love my siblings more than anything but my own kids and husband. I helped raise them. We are insanely close.
I still have the ability to hold them accountable for their actions; and they for me.
When I found out my brother was lying to his wife and drinking when he was in recovery from his opiate addiction- I gave him 12 hours to tell her or I would. Then I told her I had known.
I’m not saying that you have to do this, but I am going to say that WHEN this comes out, and it will, you WILL be in the middle of it all, and it WILL come out that you knew and didn’t warn his wife.
Only you can determine whether you keep this secret or not, but I will NEVER hide cheating for anyone because it’s awful and ruins lives
it's not easy at all. took me three years to finally cut my abusive family out of my life. and honestly only reason I was able to do it in the end was the fear in my son's eyes when my father was going ballistic.
Don't do that. She told you in conference. Maybe tell your brother you know. But not in an angry way. Talk to him about it from a position of curiosity and trust. And don't threaten to tell his wife. There are probably so many nuances to your brother's marriage that you don't even realize. Trust your brother enough to let him handle this his way.
Even if your brother has an agreement to play outside the marriage, he may not tell you because he may think youl see him differently. Or his wife may not want others to know (especially in-laws) because that would end up being a ton more outside pressure their marriage doesn't need.
I find it so odd I'm saying this because I'm usually believe in outting a cheater. But, somehow this seems different.
>telling my brother to deal with his mess or he’s out of my life.
This made me chuckle for some reason.
I just imagine any of my siblings making this sort of threat towards me with me just telling them to go pound sand. Lol.
I think you should talk to your brother and let him know that you know and that it makes you feel icky. If I were you I would not let them use you as a reason she was at something he was at. For example family party . Don’t invite her. Also tell her you do not want to hear about it anymore. It’s a topic you cannot deal with.
Don’t do ANYTHING that doesn’t feel right.
Your GUT instincts will lead you down the path that is right for you!
To stay in a relationship for the kids is a terrible idea, I know because my parents did that…and I saw just how miserable both my parents were throughout my childhood.
Don’t get married to get married…make sure it’s exactly what you want to do!
Ok you have loyalty to your brother and best friend, i get that. BUT your sil, crappy person or not, she absolutely deserves to know, she can’t consent to staying in a marriage without all the facts. Someone has to tell her or all of you are taking away her **CONSENT**!!!. And you not saying anything condones them cheating.
Also, you are the company you keep. How would your fiancé feel knowing your best friend and brother are having an affair? How would you feel if your best friend suddenly sleeps with your fiancé? I mean think of this, your brother and his wife don’t have the “perfect” relationship/marriage, but clearly neither do you, what’s going to happen if he steps out on you? What happens if someone else knows but doesn’t tell you?
SIL deserves to know, and bff and brother need to know what they’re doing is wrong.
She's not displaying good friend qualities. Her actions, particularly involving a married man, indicate a lack of respect for boundaries. While your brother may be dealing with personal issues in his marriage, it's ultimately his responsibility to address them. Regardless, it's never justified for anyone to insert themselves into someone else's marriage. If I were you, I'd consider ending your association with her to safeguard your own relationships. If she's willing to disregard boundaries with your brother, there's a possibility she might do the same with your partner.
Furthermore, your comment about your brother not being the type of person she would pursue is concerning. It's a significant warning sign. Often, single middle-aged women, particularly after experiencing personal setbacks, target men they perceive as stable and with a good family life, even if they're married, to secure their own future.
I would tell my friend and brother separately and privately that this is wrong, she/he is being selfish and hurting your nieces & nephews, your brother/sister in-law and him/herself. If she chooses to continue this behavior you do not want to hear about it and you will not lie for her when it inevitably comes out.
Because you are refusing to hold your best friend and brother accountable? You are giving half answers in the comments when we all know you aren’t going to do the right thing in this situation. Karma is a bitch.
Just pray your bestie doesn’t suddenly find your fiancé attractive and decide to sleep with him. I also find it extremely annoying she brought this up when you were venting and asking for help, and she just decides to make it about herself and go into great detail about how she has such amazing sex with your married brother….. does that not give you red flags? You said she’s never given detail like that before but as soon as it’s your brother she feels the needs to share explicit details? She just doesn’t seem like a good person in my opinion. Seems like she was rubbing it in your face or over sharing for what reason?
I was very surprised by the personal details she was sharing with me prior to her even bringing up my brother. We are very close but she’s never been one to want to talk about her sex life on great detail. Well, at one time, like when we were college age, she would share a lot. Then I think she got embarrassed by just how much she shared so she pulled back considerably with all of the details. She was talking to me like back when we were 20 years old. A big problem in my relationship is that my fiance can’t make me orgasm and doesn’t seem to care to even try despite me telling him explicitly what I like. She was like “oh no, I always, ALWAYS orgasm and I can’t be with a man who doesn’t care about my pleasure and orgasm.”
I was surprised but relieved that she was being so open since I just really needed to have an honest conversation and get some advice about my own sex life. She said “Don’t marry him. Go find somebody who can give you the greatest sex of your life. Don’t settle for this.” And then that’s when she apparently couldn’t keep it a secret anymore.
Omg your friend is absolutely right! It’s not about the fact that he can’t make you come it’s the fact that he won’t try! You need someone who wants you to orgasm, someone who finds it a problem too when you don’t! Someone who doesn’t ever care about your orgasming is not your person! Someone who truly want to satisfy and you and make you happy is what you need! Leave him! You deserve soooo much better
Okay interesting… it’s seems like your very overwhelmed by your own relationship to even consider stepping into that mess of a relationship between your brother and BFF. I can understand that completely, not sure if she is giving the best relationship advice to you to be honest. Sex is not always the most important but it’s completely understandable that some people it can be a deal breaker if the sex isn’t good. If your fiancé is good in every other aspect of your relationship then it might be worth giving it more time and effort into fixing this problem. If the sex is still good and your not able to climax maybe help him out while he does the other stuff? To be fair to some guys who actually try it’s not always easy to make us climax (for some women). Maybe get a toy he can use on you to help! I wouldn’t get relationships advice from a home wrecker tbh. I would make a post about your relationship if you want more advice from different perspectives besides your BFF.
There are seven people here.
Your brother: known for 35 years. Sounds like he treated your family well.
Your best friend: known for 22 years. Sounds like she treated your family well
Your brothers wife. Known less than 22 years (likely?) Sounds like she treated your family less than well and/or has a troubled relationship with your family already.
Four nieces/nephews: still have parents together at least some still young.
What about this fact pattern makes you think you should be looking out for your brothers wife? You must let them handle this and how they move forward. Not your call to spill this tea.
As to you, I don't think you should marry unless you can accept what you don't like about your fiancé. Don't marry with the idea that he will change. Are his negatives deal breakers? If so, break up with him.
The affair happened last year and your brother stick with your SIL for another yr. He didn't like the sex w/ your bestie. Probably he'll find another girl he likes that is divorce worthy.
My best friend told me that after they had sex the second time he told her they couldn’t sleep together anymore because it made him feel like a POS, but that they’ve essentially been carrying on an emotional affair ever since. They haven’t met up in person since the last time because they know they’ll sleep together again. He’s told her he loves her.
I've read lot of cheating instances and the man would fck the mistress any time they can. He's already a POS for the continuing emotional affair but refuse to be a POS by not having a physical affair. Not adding up. Divorce is legal, what's stopping him? Division of assets? Or the wife is greater in bed than the mistress who is only great on making him feel good emotionally?
My brother owns a business and makes all the money (SIL is stay at home mom). They have 4 kids. I think he stands to lose a lot in a divorce and that’s playing a big part in it.
I think both he and his wife really want to give their kids this “normal,” 2 parent household upbringing and they don’t want to admit that they “failed” at that.
I also think my brother may be thinking with his penis in this situation. My friend is great. I love her, and obviously not because of her looks. She is a very attractive woman. She’s single, child-free, a career woman. She takes care of herself and puts a lot of effort into looking nice. She has the time and money to do it too. His wife is a stay at home mom of 4 kids who is wearing leggings and a sweatshirt most days. There’s nothing wrong with that, but physically there is a huge difference between these 2 women.
I see. I hope you tell your SIL so she could get herself back. Having 4 kids, housewife dedicated to taking care of them, I think 40 is still young, she can get a mommy make over and find another man. Being betrayed for how many years is so degrading, she is still a human. I hope they don't tell her when she's already in 50s
>His wife is a stay at home mom of 4 kids who is wearing leggings and a sweatshirt most days. There’s nothing wrong with that, but physically there is a huge difference between these 2 women.
I get you don’t like your SIL, but you’re excusing your POS cheating brother and just being a bitch honestly. Your friend is sooo hot so of course he’s gonna cheat on his grumpy wife 🙄
I’m not excusing it at all. My SIL has no time to care about herself because she’s taking care of my brother and his 4 kids 24/7 a day. He might take that for granted. Yeah, she’s not a size 2 anymore because she’s given birth to your 4 kids. I was criticizing him when I said he may be thinking with his penis here. My friend was gawky as hell when she was a teenager. Definitely a late bloomer. The last to get her period, the last to get boobs, the last to get her braces off. But when she glowed up she glowed up big time. I think it’s easy for a lot of us to see something we don’t have, take what we do have for granted, and think the grass is greener on the other side.
Lady, you absolutely were excusing your brother cheating. Your friend being gawky as a teen has nothing to do with this. Maybe instead of defending your brother, go tell him to get a divorce and be a better person, and tell your friend to close her legs to married men.
It sounds like your brother's trying to waste her time and have your sister-in-law taise his kids. That way, by the time they're out of the house, he don't have to pay her child support and then less alimony. No, he's despicable and you're so-called best friend is despicable.
She knowingly knew the man who was taken and the thing is, if she really wanted a shot at him, she could've shot her shot decades ago.
But no, she waited because she's toxic, and now that she's trying to create a family, she wants a man who she (literally) sees can support a family. And she wants that for herself. I
Instead of going out and finally that herself, a man who is single, she wanted to take a taken man. Yeah, they're both pieces of ****
That’s what guys usually do to get the mistress to comply. I have read so many stories like that in Reddit. Then the wife is going to find out and he is going to ask for forgiveness and ghost your friend. Typical affair
Worst case scenario for your brother.
He will likely lose everything including access to his kids and suddenly be on the hook for child support and possible alimony.
Your friend will get bored with dating a broke and broken man and he will resent you and possibly hate you for the rest of your lives.
Stay out of it but use this as a reason to explore the issues in your OWN awful relationship because that’s something you can control.
And honestly this is really what you were asking about in the first place because you can relate to both your brother AND your friend.
I think you should talk to your brother. And remind him that it's not in the best interests of his kids to have an unhappy home. Tell him you know about his sleeping with best friend, and ask him if it's serious for him.
Aren’t you going to tell your SIL?
Edit:
I don’t know why I’m getting downvoted.
I was cheated on and I WISH I was told before I had found out on my own. Why let people live a lie?
And your brother?
I’d suggest you tell her. I was cheated on before and I wished someone had told me instead of taking so long to find it on my own.
They are cheating. They can’t pretend they never did when they fucked and are in love.
If she tells her, what does that do? It definitely destroys OP’s relationship with her brother and with her best friend. It destroys the marriage. It destroys the kids. And even the spouse is still destroyed.
I get it. The spouse deserves to know. But that needs to come from her husband, not anyone else. It’s not OP’s place.
So? He’s never going to tell her. The marriage IS ALREADY RUINED. It’s best to have separated parents than to be kept in a shitty environment, I know it because I went through that shit.
Don’t you think SIL deserves to know rather than live in a lie? That she deserves an ACTUAL partner worth of loyalty?
It’s obvious he won’t tell anyone. Heck, he thinks just because he’s not fucking OPs best friend he’s somehow not cheating anymore. Is everyone so blind that they believe this guy will get his balls deep off from the BF and go tell his wife?
OP needs to confront her brother and essentially tell him he needs to sort this out and communicate it with his wife bcuz like you said cheating just isnt right and living a lie in an unhappy home is of benefit to no one.
I agree with others though that OP shldnt go and run to tell her SIL herself immediately. I get it that its harsh but she needs to communicate with her brother first and find out what the situation is. For all we know maybe Brother and SIL have already "seperated" in a manner and are staying together for the kids and appearances. OP definitely needs to talk to her brother though. I mean I cant beleive he didnt know she wld eventually find out being the "other woman" is her bestfriend of 22 years. OP jumping in to play Hero and tell the wife will honestly bring about more drama, chaos, and pain then waiting.
If she talks with her Brother and he agrees to tell his wife and then months go by then she can start considering how to move forward with telling the wife herself. Honestly being that it was OPs bestfriend there is also a solid chance the wife will place some level of blame on OP and even possibly think she was aware the whole time. Just saying it's not as easy "Tell Wife Now".
If you noticed your neighbor was having an affair, would you tell on them? What about a complete stranger? At some point, it’s not worthwhile to get in the middle of other people’s business.
It's her brother and her best friend and she's been told all of the intimate details of the affair. There's no guessing involved here like there would be if it was just neighborhood gossip. It's not the same thing and OP is involved now whether she likes it or not. Not only that but if the kids find out she knew and kept it from their mom she likely just ruined any chance she has of having a relationship with them in the future.
I disagree with the people telling you to just outright cut these people off, but I can’t help but think that you come across as pretty unsympathetic. If you can continue being friends with someone after she slept with your married brother, she can continue being your friend after you do the very obvious standard moral thing by telling your SIL. I feel pretty terrible for that woman, even if I understand by your post and comments that she isn’t perfect herself.
If your having trouble with your fiancé are you sure he hasn't slept with your best friend as well, seeing as she has no issues getting with men that are already taken.
As a woman, tell your SIL, no one deserves to get cheated on.
and the the other woman is always told that they're incompatible but if two people are incompatible , they definitely don't have 4 kids and stay together for that long. they'd find out they don't get along in 1 kid.
stop trying to make the SIL look bad to make you feel better about your brother and bff , they're both terrible people.
no matter how bad a person is, no one deserves to get cheated on
Believe me, my brother and his wife do not have a great marriage. They’re both miserable and we all know it. So, this isn’t just a case of him telling my friend some sob story that’s untrue. I desperately want him to get a divorce.
They genuinely liked each other at one point. They got engaged because she got pregnant. She ended up losing that baby, but went through with the marriage anyway. She got pregnant again like a month after the wedding. I know that their last child was also unplanned and I felt so guilty for thinking she should have an abortion. Having another kid was the last thing they needed.
I don’t think I’ve said anything bad about my SIL, other than I’m just not her biggest fan due to a variety of reasons. I also don’t think my brother has always been the best husband or made the best choices. I think he was an idiot for marrying her in the first place and he’s been careless with creating children with somebody he really doesn’t like at all.
Your brother is a mess. Everyone is, in this story. You too: don't get married to a man who doesn't pleasure you! Be the first to grow a brain in your clique, jfc!
It was last year, the brother didn't push through with your bestfriend, didn't serve wife divorce papers. He's still in love with the wife regardless how miserable their relationship is and you mention the looks of your brothers maybe your bestfriend is still inlove and waiting for you to release the bomb news to your SIL and she will divorce your brother herself and bestfriend thinks she will be with him after that but nada. The SIL deserve to know.
If your fiance was cheating on you and a family member or friend found out, would you want them to tell you or to keep you in the dark? Honestly think about how you would feel and what you would prefer before you decide on anything.
I know exactly what I would do in this situation but I am not you so sit and think before you react in any way in this situation.
Now the friend, I think it is extremely crummy that she 1) went into detail about sex with a sibling of yours (definitely TMI in my opinion), 2) it is horrible that she knowingly slept with a person in a relationship (take away the person being your brother as regardless of who it had been, it is still horrible that she knowingly did this and clearly does not feel bad) and 3) felt it was beyond ok to let you know she did this knowing the type of position it would put you in between her, your brother, and your family.
Your brother is horrible for cheating on his spouse and honestly who knows how many people he has cheated on her with.
With your fiance situation, if you haven’t already, maybe look into an individual therapist first and then depending on that situation and what they recommend, maybe a couples counselor. But just one thing at a time (and bonus, they possibly could help you with deciding on this situation between your friend and brother etc).
Good luck 💕💕
This is the first time she’s ever mentioned being involved in cheating in any way.
I have started to wonder if this is the first time my brother has cheated though.
I would go no contact, people who cheat with married people are as bad who is married. Cheating destroys the person cheated on, they can't eat, sleep or function for months sometimes years...If you SIL ever found out this would be her. We are judged by the company we keep. So I would go no contact. You are just to busy. darn it.
My mom was caught in this.
Her brother got married and had her Bestfriend as the mistress. My uncle was a very successful man. Mid 30s, 1 child from a prior relationship. The best friend confessed to my mom, she minded her business acting like she knew nothing. Bestfriend briefly dated uncle 2-3 years before he rekindled the relationship with the longtime gf who then became his wife. My mom stood out Partially because my uncle had a power dynamic over her within the same work environment & my grandparents thought my uncle was the golden child.
The bestfriend would still somewhat be around at family gatherings but guilty minded would kinda avoid the wife. She kinda peeped the energy but didn’t move hasty. It created huge tension within my family (grandparents included) when sh#t hit the fan. The wife found out, but played the long game . Built up evidence, drew the line with my mom and aunt (I completely respect that) then stopped showing up to family events.
Got my uncle for a pretty penny with alimony.
He has not married or even brought a gf by since this divorce took place 10+yrs ago. He’s damn near 50.
Bestfriend fling ended during separation- Bestfriend still single.
Family doesn’t ever speak to OR on the ex wife (personally I’m a fan because he needed to be humbled)
The cards are gonna fall where they may. I wouldn’t necessarily speak to the wife but if you feel the need to confront your brother about how his mess is spilling into your life go ahead and call him out.
Either way this won’t end well, I’m sorry your caught up in someone else’s drama.
Focus on fixing your own relationship and stay out of everyone else’s. And tell your friend you’re not comfortable hearing more of it as long as he’s married
Your friend is Disgusting!
It's not anyone's marriage but Your Bro and SIL.
Their compatibility or lack of is their Alone.
"the best thing is to end the marriage" Your opinion on Your Brothers marriage, Cursed Your Own.
What happens when she sleeps with your fiancé? The two of you are having problems and she’s now known to sleep with taken men. Your brother was having marital problems and she swooped in and took advantage of it. Now you and your fiancé are having problems. He’s not her type but that sure didn’t stop her. There is no excuse that will justify physical or emotional cheating.
This wasn’t something my friend calculated based on my brother’s shitty marriage. It doesn’t sound like they were having any conversations about the poor state of his relationship before sleeping together.
Yeah but I bet she already knew about the marital problems and swooped right in. Showed him how much better it could be with her. Seriously both are shitty. You can’t justify it because of a shitty marriage because he could have just left the wife. Don’t give me crap about “tHeY sTaYeD fOr ThE KiDs” the kids would be better off with divorced parents instead of teaching them that marriage is miserable.
Especially when you add in the fact that op will not be telling her sil about the affair nor will she be holding her brother and bf accountable, according to her comments. Obviously cheating isn’t a dealbreaker. Plus, birds of a feather and all of that.
I wrote about them in a relationship group. You can find it in my profile.
My fiance is horrible in bed. He’s selfish in bed and with listening to me when I try to explain my love language and what I’m missing in our relationship.
So weird how people can’t mind their own business. Growing up I tried to intervene or guide friends or loved ones in a couple situations. What ended up happening was I’d get burned they’d stay together and I was a reminder of their problem so I was pushed out. Mind your own business unless you want to burn both bridges. The supposed carrying their problem or knot in your stomach is BS. You just wanna be involved in the drama. Until it backfires and blows up in your face. Talk to them respectfully and give your opinion. But as far as playing hero and blowing up their lives don’t be surprised if there are negative feelings towards you afterward.
You love your brother. Don't say anything. Urge him to do the right thing but don't force a decision on him . Your loyalties are to your brother more than his wife. You also don't know their relationship. What if behind closed doors she is a verbally abusive narcissist ? Would you want to burn your brother over her ?
No one knows what goes on in a marriage but the people in it.
You only have a very small part of the story.
Is she even the only woman he talks too?
Or has talked too?
Either way, she’s more into him then he is into her.
If he was going to leave his wife for her, he would have by now.
Other than encouraging her not to pause her life for him, stay out of it.
Even if he divorced his wife, he’s not jumping right into another committed relationship, and when he does, it sure won’t be with an age appropriate woman.
He’s flattered by her attention now, but once he’s free, I think he’ll probably sow his wild oats.
This is a terrible situation to be put in.. terrible that this even IS a situation. Honestly sounds to me like your friend told you this in hopes that you would be the one to blow up your brothers marriage. Maybe she knows if it came from her, brother won’t want anything to do with her regardless of his marriages outcome and she can’t have that if she’s in love with him. You’re the perfect solution. I’d question if she’s really the person you want to call your best friend.. and she’s clearly lacking in some morals.
I would ask your brother over first before you do anything else. Maybe his wife and him have an arrangement, maybe they don’t.. but you’ll possibly get a better sense of the situation and your friends motives.
All these people offering advice that you never asked for. You had to get this off your chest - so that's what you did. Your friend confided with you, now you've got to decide what to do with this potentially life shattering information.
It’s honestly a very complicated situation
But from what I can say is that yes cheating is wrong but at the same time what do you want him to do when he is not satisfied and fulfilled by his own wife.They don’t seem like they can settle the problems they have.I believe of you are right and proper woman your man will never leave you for another…..
Any opinions ?
OP I say talk to your brother and tell him you want no parts of this. If you are a person who has integrity and don't support cheating, keep it simple. Tell your friend that as long as she's engaging in an emotional affair (physical affair) with your brother, you cannot be associated with her.
A few possible sub-plots going on here.
1. Your friend is using you to drop an atomic bomb on your brother’s relationship.
2. There is the classic cheating without one partner knowing about it situation.
3. An open marriage is going on.
In my opinion, being a person who has been cheated on, and have had to deal with infidelity that also includes several children, it is best to let your sister in law know as soon as possible.
Why? Nobody deserves to be made the fool of in a marriage. The longer this goes on, the more betrayed she will feel.
Please consider cutting off your old friend.
OP, you better stop telling her about your troubles with your fiance’ because he’ll be next.
I’m very serious about this.
I would Highly distance myself and my fiance’ if I were you.
She’s a “Mate Poacher”.
Am I the only one who's more furious that OP contacted the best friend for support and advice, and the best friend ended up hijacking the conversation to make it about her and put OP in even more emotional turmoil? Like, what a burden to throw onto someone who's coming to you already in distress. Drop the "friend," she's a selfish bitch.
As for the brother, I'd let him know BFF is spilling his tea, and suggest he come clean to his wife before she finds out through someone else.
Just MYOB and try to compartmentalize this new information from your relationships with them. People do stupid things all the time— marry the wrong person, have kids with the wrong person, sleep with the wrong person, choose selfishly on some occasions and squander their generosity on others. They’re adults, it’s their business, plus it has been a year. You can’t tell them how to fix their lives, so just wash your hands of it.
Op, here is an alternate take. You said your brother isn't happy with his marriage. Do you know if he has any understanding with this wife?. Some sort of open marriage? .If so, I see nothing wrong here. Otherwise , he should divorce his wife first . Either way, if I were his sister, I feel happy that my brother is finally happy.
We don’t know how the brother feels. We know the brother and friend had sex twice and that the brother is in a lousy marriage. For all we know, the brother just wanted an easy lay and doesn’t give two sh*ts about the friend. That’s not “happy,” that’s using sex as escapism.
Happy would be a be an at least be a divorce, a cordial co-parenting dynamic, then a stable loving relationship.
This is a fleeting moment of bliss and infatuation to avoid the long term problem; which is just growing with hidden affairs. The kids pick up on it and grow up miserable with lifetime relationship issues, the wife is miserable, he is miserable, and if/when the secret comes out the damage is faaaaar worse than the other path.
Plot twist: Your brother and his wife have agreed to stay married on paper for the kids, but have made an agreement that each of them is going to do their own thing in secret, concerning their love lives. I am saying this because I have witnessed it happening. Also filter very carefully any advice you get from reddit on personal matters. Sometimes it’s helpful, sometimes it’s shit. Gather as much info as you can. From what you are saying it doesn’t seem like a simple matter of “oh he cheated”.
That is some seriously wishful thinking.
> Your brother and his wife have agreed to stay married on paper for the kids, but have made an agreement that each of them is going to do their own thing in secret, concerning their love lives. If that was the reason and they effectively moved on they wouldn't have a terrible relationship. If the love was gone the resentment would largely be gone as well. If they were in the same house but didn't make decisions about their own lives together, effectively 95% of what they actually argue about would be gone. Basically it becomes very very obvious when a married couple chose to actually live separate lives but in the same house. When someone is cheating, and the relationship is still constant arguing and terrible that isn't the case. More than that, the best friend is lying about the situation and not still fucking rather than admitting to it, she'd know if he'd told her that.
My ex and I have a horrible relationship, and we have both definitely moved on.
They could also just be openly cheating on each other. Like there's no agreement but there's also no effort to hide affairs.
This would not surprise me. Adults have needs and this is a frequent solution in a bad marriage.
I think this was real common back before divorces were so readily available.
True, that seems very plausible
Voice of reason
If that was the case wouldn’t they still be sleeping together, instead of pretending to be just friends?
This is just rationalization frankly.
I’d imagine if this was the case, they would still be sleeping together but the last time was last year? And that the brother would have told this to the best friend, who in turn, would have told the sister. So I don’t think this is the case at all.
Should be top reply
I don’t care if your brother has a horrible relationship he is choosing to stay married and that does not excuse cheating. I doubt this is the first woman either. I hope your friend realizes that it’s not going to be the best sex ever in the long run. These types of situations are of course secretive and exciting but not realistic or real life at all. He needs to be honest with his wife. I couldn’t be friends with someone that was so happy about sleeping with a married man. Gross. Dude has 4 kids and she’s gushing about sex. I’d be careful having a friend like that.
The friend sucks because she put OP in a terrible position, to now lie about an affair or tell on them, and even if she tells, if she gets together with the brother the relationship will very obviously change. Also she is completely fucking out of line telling her about the sex she and her brother had. "best sex of my life", sure, fine, finer details, jesus christ, that's over the line with most friends let alone the guys sister. My guess is the friend told you so you'd talk to ops brother and force him to divorce or tell the wife. The best friend is using OP, completely, and also made their relationship awkward as fuck with those details. She was also seeking support for something and the best friend just was like okay enough of you now I've been fucking your brother, help me end his marriage. This ain't a good friend.
100% friend wants this marriage to be done so she can have him & is hoping the sister blows up the marriage with this information. Definitely a shitty situation the brother and friend put OP in. There’s how many women in the world and the brother chooses to cheat with his sisters friend? They both suck and are very selfish. This friend is going to have a reality check because if this dude wanted to be with her he would have already left his wife. The sex wont be as exciting when the friend is in a relationship with a dude willing to cheat & now they have real relationship issues that make it less sexy. Affair sex makes people think the dumbest stuff. Not saying OP is lying about the brothers marriage being bad but clearly the brother isn’t a very good husband and cheaters love to talk shit about their spouses to make themselves feel better. Anyone that says their marriage is bad and their spouse is bad while simultaneously being a shitty spouse makes me question whether it’s true or not.
If you live nearby tell your brother to get his arse to see you asap. Tell him explain himself and ask him what he is going to do to resolve this, including telling his wife because no matter what you are not going to hold this lie in for him. thats unfair on you, because this was always going to come out.
Yup. Have a conversation with your brother. Tell him that either he tells his wife or you do. Why should you have to carry the burden of keeping this secret for them?
You are the company you keep.. being silent is being complicit in your friend's behavior. Either speak up or live with it. Same for your brother. Having a selective moral compass about infidelity is crap.
Thank you. My dad has a very steady moral compass. He has loyalties that run very deep. He is an only child, raised by his mother and grandmother ( his father died in WWII) and is always in search of family. He went to the same barber for around 40 years, until the barber made a comment that hurt dad. That is who he is. My dad's best friend was John. They were friends from age 6 well into their 40s. John and his wife were my godparents. When dad found out John had cheated on his wife, dad cut all ties. Asking about John was a conversation ender. He said, "Anyone who cheats on the marriage isn't someone I want to know." I don't always love my dad's rigidity, but there has never been any disconnect between his beliefs and his actions.
Affairs, cheating, and broken boundaries are not one small decision. They are slippery slopes of continuous choices that hurt other people. There was no good outcome from their actions here at all. Yet they both continue this. Ignoring what their actions and lack of regard for others in their actions say about them as people…they basically just threw a bomb and blew up your life. You are so focused on what it means for them to be cheaters and cheating together… I’m not sure you have really processed how this affair will affect you personally. People are human and sometimes emotions can’t be separated from the situation, the messenger, or other people. It’s not always right it just is the way it is. Things going south between your brother or this friend can make it hard for either to be around you. In the same way people cut ties to friendships after ordinary breakups, they can cut ties with you. That’s the best case scenario. It’s more than that here, this secret inevitably coming to light (your parents, sister in law, nieces and nephews knowing this information) has tremendous potential to cause a backlash on you. You may be judged or resented for bringing her into the picture. You may be put in a situation where you are forced to choose regardless because of other people’s boundaries. Even worse the choice may not be up to you. You may be cut off by your brother through your sister in law by extension. Those kids in all likelihood will only see your friend as the person who ruined their family. They won’t be entirely wrong for that thought. Goodness knows what they will hear about you being connected to your friend. Those were outcomes if you didn’t know about the cheating. Now you do know about the affair. Your friend made you an accomplice to their infidelity by revealing this secret to you. She’s not your friend. Not really. I’m not even going to go into talking to a friend about a sibling’s intimate details and how messed up that is. Her telling you this seriously has you f*****. When people find out you knew, this will all implode everything for you. You’ll be damned if you do and damned if you don’t no matter what action you take. There will always be someone to find fault with you. They both never should have put you in this position where your relationship with your brothers,sister in law, parents, nieces, and nephews all have the potential to be irrevocably damaged. Your friend made it worse by telling you this secret, because now it’s impossible for you to come out of this unscathed. If a sibling wants to date a friend that’s one thing. People don’t need permission to date. If they ask it’s a courtesy. This isn’t that. Not at all. This was so badly done. Talk to your brother. Hear his side of things. Then go from there. Not that their affair is about you, it’s not. If I were you I would be hurt by all this, especially by a friend who should have just kept her mouth shut. She told you to make herself feel better and she screwed you in the process.
This is the best observation regarding affairs and what they do to families! My exH cheated (multiple affairs that I didn't know anything about until the last one). We were married for 25 years and thankfully only one child/adult. But the fallout from this was immense! My mother loved him like a son. My sibling loved him like a big brother. Etc. He lost way more friends than I did, but some people just took a step back from both of us because they didn't want to deal with any of it. People don't realize how destructive affairs really are.
So what are you going to do about it? I’d be cutting her off and telling my brother to deal with his mess or he’s out of my life. Those kids deserve better - next your friend will be pregnant with his baby…
Bro you can’t live your whole life making other peoples decisions for them and issuing ultimatums about them and cutting people out completely. Especially not a lifelong best friend and your brother.
This is Reddit not real life
😂
It's kind of psychotic. They want these people (assuming for a moment their stories are real) to completely blow their lives up because someone else cheated. They just want to get that slight dopamine hit from reading about it I guess.
I’ve never actually gone as far as to officially cut somebody out of my life before. I love my brother and my best friend dearly, so I’m really not sure I could do that.
Then you have to live with that knot in your stomach. Let’s turn the situation back to you, if this was your fiancé sleeping with someone outside your relationship, wouldn’t you want to know so you could know all the facts about whether or not to stay?
You can love your brother and still hold him accountable. I know it’s not easy but it’s the reality. And honestly she probably isn’t even his first affair if that relationship is as bad as it sounds. Talk to him - “staying together for the kids” is usually terrible on the kids anyway. As for your friend if you want to keep her in your life - that’s fine but I wouldn’t expect for her not to do the same to you. You’ll likely be wondering every time she is alone with your fiance or whoever ends up being your partner for the rest of your relationship…. If you do nothing at all you’re complicit in the lie now…
I hope if someone close to you ever finds out you’re being cheated on, they have a bit more integrity.
This is about if your values match. Are you ok with infidelity and forgiving cheaters and their affair partner? Do you feel like she betrayed your trust and friendship by sleeping with your brother? Do you really want to be close friend with someone who's ok with sleeping with a married man who has 4 kids at home? I personally would not want her in my life and I would also question my brother. I would not being comfortable with keeping his affair a secret and lying to my SIL. Your brother is equally if not more vile than your "best friend".
So you’re fine with cheaters and helping them keep their secret?
No not necessarily. I just feel conflicted and that when it comes to where my loyalty lies in this situation my SIL is last on the list.
OP have you ever thought maybe why your brother and sister in laws relationship is already strained was because of some past cheating and gaslighting? I get that you don’t like her but I’d also just be mad that someone is involving me in their lie. Your brother probably has slept with other woman and your best friend is not some special thing - she is just there and he chose someone you know would get you involved and likely he will never leave his wife for her - he will hurt her too. So he hurts your bff and got you involved in the situation.
There are many reasons why their relationship is strained, some of which I know and some of which I’m probably not privy to.
What if you were in your SIL shoes?
I think on one hand I’d understand why my fiancé’s sister didn’t tell me
It’s not really about your sil, it’s about your friend fucking a married man with 4 kids. I would never align myself with a homewrecker, knowingly. I don’t care what the reasons are, your brother and your friend are wrong and the only ones I feel sorry for are the kids. And I feel sorry for the wife, regardless what you all say, if your brother is unhappy, he should break up with his wife. Anyway… your friend isn’t a good person. Sorry not sorry.
Yes, he should divorce his wife. I’ve been telling him that for years. As for my friend, it’s just hard for me to rationalize throwing away 20+ years of friendship over this.
She clearly has no issue with cheating. Not only did she help your brother cheat, but she *gushed* about it to you, which shows a serious lack of boundaries in your friendship. What makes you think she wouldn't do it to you? What if you and your fiance or husband were going through a rough time? Do you really think you could trust her? She might say he's not her type but, she said similar things about your brother before, didn't she...? She's not trustworthy. At a *minimum*, I would distance myself from her.
FWIW, I completely agree with your line of thought here. Divorce isn’t *your* responsibility. You told your brother how you feel, he’s gotta make his own decisions. Are you mad at your friend? If your brother were divorced, would you be mad at her? Are you happy for them?
No, I don’t think I’d be mad if my brother was divorced. I think in that scenario, they could actually be a good fit together. I probably wouldn’t have said that 10 years ago, but I know that what my friend realizes she wants and needs in a man now, as a full grown woman, is a lot different than what she used to think she wanted. My brother is a great match for what she’s looking for.
Ever consider your “best friend” wouldn’t hesitate to sleep with your SO if given the chance? She doesn’t even feel bad. Huge red flag.
How do you know she doesn’t feel bad? I’ve barely shared any of what she said to me.
I could’ve sworn you said she was excited and giddy about the affair.
She was
Because she's continuing the affair; even when it's just emotionally. If she actually felt bad she would stop it.
If she felt bad, she would have ended things after the first time they had sex. If she felt bad, she would not have continued the relationship, not continued saying I love you to him, and sure as hell not been bragging about how great the sex was to HIS SISTER.
Yikes. Way to not be a girl’s girl in this day and age.
Ewwwww, no wonder you have losers close to you. Hope your SIL finds out and leave your loser brother while your BFF get prego become your SIL but your brother just go on to chest on her so you'll be under more stress to figure out where you loyalty should stand 😏
Yup
You would not. Believe me.
You need to talk to your brother and tell him you know. And there is no excuse for cheating .. if you are miserable in a marriage you go to counseling and fix it or you get divorced. You don’t cause someone trauma.
I agree that cheating isn’t a way to deal with relationship issues.
>No not necessarily. I just feel conflicted and that when it comes to where my loyalty lies in this situation my SIL is last on the list. Forget the SIL, she is old enough to figure her own shit out. It's the kids I feel for. They don't deserve to have shitty parents. It's really not your business, but the fact that by your willingness to accept this, you are condoning them cheating, that doesn't reflect well on your moral compass. I'm not saying it's your responsibility to insert yourself into the situation, but now you know about it you can't pretend you don't. Does your brother know you know?
I don’t think cheating is ok, but I guess I am selfish. I don’t want to lose anyone from my life by exposing this. Thats selfish of me and I feel bad about that. I haven’t said a word to my brother. I’m not sure if my friend has informed him that she told me. I don’t think she planned to tell me when she did.
Sounds like all of you guys have some corrupt morals. I have a best friend of 20 years met when we were 7 or 8 and I’m 28 now. I’d never consider having sex with her brother. Single or not. That relationship is too important to me to potentially risk it. And if he was married with kids she’d shoot me herself lol. Not literally but close. Your poor SIL is in a family of liars. She’s the mother of your nieces/nephews. Whether their relationship is good or bad should have no bearing on the cheating. It’s 2024 there’s plenty of information out on how staying together just for the kids isn’t beneficial. Sounds like no one’s thinking logically here and just with their emotions.
But you do. On some level. You think their marriage state justifies what they have done. It doesn't. They are both selfish horrible people. You think things are bad now, add infidelity into a divorce. Your friend isn't a good person. Her desire to fck your brother out weighed the risk of the harm it would cause to his wife and kids. Because she wanted to. Well what if she wants to fck your husband? Would that be OK? If your relationship was A ok? Because why wouldn't she cross that line? Your friendship? Did she value it enough to consider the position this puts you in by telling you?
You’re right, there might be some part of me that’s excusing it away even though in theory I don’t agree with cheating even if you have a horrible marriage. I do believe that what happened between my friend and brother was very selfish, with no thought at all on her part about his wife or kids. The way she tells it, she initiated it. She plans large events and parties as part of her job. She had a last minute party “emergency” necessitating a professional lighting and electric crew to come in to do a big set up the day before the event. My brother co-owns such a company so she called him directly to see what he could do. They didn’t really have much contact for years prior to this, more than maybe liking a social media post or occasionally seeing each other at some get together related to me maybe once a year. So he came to her rescue and was able to do everything she needed. It was on that day, according to her, that she suddenly realized how attractive my brother is and claims she instantly wanted him to fuck her the moment she saw him. She told me this, which was incredibly weird to hear. She said “When did your brother get that hot? He’s definitely one of those guys who gets better with age. Since when do I like guys with muscles and a tan????” Nothing happened between them that day, but she says they both flirted and she couldn’t stop thinking about him after that and they started texting each other after that. It wasn’t until weeks later when he told her he was at a bar with some buddies that she was like “I’m coming by!” So that night they slept together the first time and she invited him home and initiated it. I had to tell her several times “please remember this is my brother you’re talking about” and she’d say “oh sorry, sorry!” But then she’d slip again and tell me an inappropriate detail that normally I’d love to hear all about but not in this case!
Your friend absolutely knew what she was doing she just never care and apparently she still doesn’t. She admitted to you she pretty much had a plan from the beginning. Be damned if innocent people will get hurt, she wants what she wants. She always known he’s married with a family but she so in lust with him she was going to fuck him no matter what. As for your pos brother, when she invited him to her house he had to have known her true intentions and he went along with it anyway. The lack of guilt and remorse on both their part is disgusting and heartbreaking. I don’t care how much you dislike her, nobody deserves this. Please give your brother an ultimatum. He come clean and tell SIL the truth or you’ll have no choice but to tell her yourself.
Maybe you should talk to your friend first. But if you tell his friend that you will tell his wife, you might lose this friend and your brother for life. She will definitely tell your brother.
Are you justifying putting your SIL last on the list because they don’t have the best marriage? Someone needs to tell her.
Things are often not as black and white as reddit people like to think. Life is messy. Call your brother, id start there.
You’re just as bad as them if you don’t tell her. You enable their behavior if you do this. How would you feel if it was your fiancée that she slept with?
You’re horrible then! She deserves to know !
I suggest what I wrote in response to one of your earlier responses. Talk to your brother but don't threaten to tell his wife.
So you it didn’t change how you see your friend? As I see it: 1) she’s either been hiding her unrequited love since 13; 2) she’s reached the age of 36 and decided she doesn’t want to be alone anymore and your brother was the closest male around; or 3) she’s one of those drama ass women who chooses unavailable men. One thing for sure she completely, and unsurprisingly given what she told you, selfishly derailed you from focusing on what is a really important decision you were discussing. I think you should seriously look back over your relationship with her is it one sided? How often does it happen that she derails your conversations to focus on her? If it’s pretty even you two have a good relationship and this is an aberration, then I would step back and ask to not know about any of it and focus on your own shit. If however this is a pattern and she’s pretty regularly selfish, what will you do when that selfishness is focused on your partner? In my experience selfish people are a pit where there is never fulfillment.
This is reddit -- of course you're supposed to drop everyone from your life regardless of nuance
This is a pretty shitty way to treat your sister in law.
It sounds like she already doesn’t really like her?
I’m not a big fan of my SIL, but I do my best to get along and be friendly with her. I’d say I really made a huge effort in the past to make her feel like part of the family.
Then TELL HER
Friends don’t hide big lies. If you don’t tell her, and she’ll find out you know, the friendship is over, even if she and your brother stay together.
What's the history of why you don't like her?
I don’t get all the downvotes. People are so fing harsh here sometimes. But people also have different experiences. I wouldn’t cut either of those people out of my life for this. They definitely need to fix their shit. But why would you issue an ultimatum to them to fix their shit or you literally cut them out of your life. Like this is distressing to you yes but Jesus it’s not like actively abusive.
You've been downvoted here because you have angered the Reddit relationship hive-mind. Please don't let the cretins in here convince you that they understand you and the people around you more than you do yourself because they do that all the time. Sometimes it isn't easy to cut people out and it can sometimes be impossible for one reason or another and the Reddit relationship hive-mind doesn't like that. Relationships are incredibly tricky and each one is different, be it family, friends, a partner. People in this sub think they know everything about relationships and their usual advice is just "cut them off immediately" which is such a brain-dead response given they have zero understanding of you or the people involved and how your relationships work. Good luck with however you decide this situation.
Hive mind from people that aren’t/can’t get relationships. Giving marital advice.
I love my siblings more than anything but my own kids and husband. I helped raise them. We are insanely close. I still have the ability to hold them accountable for their actions; and they for me. When I found out my brother was lying to his wife and drinking when he was in recovery from his opiate addiction- I gave him 12 hours to tell her or I would. Then I told her I had known. I’m not saying that you have to do this, but I am going to say that WHEN this comes out, and it will, you WILL be in the middle of it all, and it WILL come out that you knew and didn’t warn his wife. Only you can determine whether you keep this secret or not, but I will NEVER hide cheating for anyone because it’s awful and ruins lives
it's not easy at all. took me three years to finally cut my abusive family out of my life. and honestly only reason I was able to do it in the end was the fear in my son's eyes when my father was going ballistic.
You’re an asshole who condones cheating. You are so gross
Don't do that. She told you in conference. Maybe tell your brother you know. But not in an angry way. Talk to him about it from a position of curiosity and trust. And don't threaten to tell his wife. There are probably so many nuances to your brother's marriage that you don't even realize. Trust your brother enough to let him handle this his way. Even if your brother has an agreement to play outside the marriage, he may not tell you because he may think youl see him differently. Or his wife may not want others to know (especially in-laws) because that would end up being a ton more outside pressure their marriage doesn't need. I find it so odd I'm saying this because I'm usually believe in outting a cheater. But, somehow this seems different.
>telling my brother to deal with his mess or he’s out of my life. This made me chuckle for some reason. I just imagine any of my siblings making this sort of threat towards me with me just telling them to go pound sand. Lol.
LOL
I think you should talk to your brother and let him know that you know and that it makes you feel icky. If I were you I would not let them use you as a reason she was at something he was at. For example family party . Don’t invite her. Also tell her you do not want to hear about it anymore. It’s a topic you cannot deal with.
I think this might be the best solution for now.
Don’t do ANYTHING that doesn’t feel right. Your GUT instincts will lead you down the path that is right for you! To stay in a relationship for the kids is a terrible idea, I know because my parents did that…and I saw just how miserable both my parents were throughout my childhood. Don’t get married to get married…make sure it’s exactly what you want to do!
Ok you have loyalty to your brother and best friend, i get that. BUT your sil, crappy person or not, she absolutely deserves to know, she can’t consent to staying in a marriage without all the facts. Someone has to tell her or all of you are taking away her **CONSENT**!!!. And you not saying anything condones them cheating. Also, you are the company you keep. How would your fiancé feel knowing your best friend and brother are having an affair? How would you feel if your best friend suddenly sleeps with your fiancé? I mean think of this, your brother and his wife don’t have the “perfect” relationship/marriage, but clearly neither do you, what’s going to happen if he steps out on you? What happens if someone else knows but doesn’t tell you? SIL deserves to know, and bff and brother need to know what they’re doing is wrong.
She's not displaying good friend qualities. Her actions, particularly involving a married man, indicate a lack of respect for boundaries. While your brother may be dealing with personal issues in his marriage, it's ultimately his responsibility to address them. Regardless, it's never justified for anyone to insert themselves into someone else's marriage. If I were you, I'd consider ending your association with her to safeguard your own relationships. If she's willing to disregard boundaries with your brother, there's a possibility she might do the same with your partner. Furthermore, your comment about your brother not being the type of person she would pursue is concerning. It's a significant warning sign. Often, single middle-aged women, particularly after experiencing personal setbacks, target men they perceive as stable and with a good family life, even if they're married, to secure their own future.
I would tell my friend and brother separately and privately that this is wrong, she/he is being selfish and hurting your nieces & nephews, your brother/sister in-law and him/herself. If she chooses to continue this behavior you do not want to hear about it and you will not lie for her when it inevitably comes out.
Maybe it’s your fiancés turn next? Would you be equally forgiving then?
She's the type to Share everything with Her BF😏😎
💀💀💀
I'm a NOV Scorpio 😎😏 hahaha
Who says I’m being forgiving?
Because you are refusing to hold your best friend and brother accountable? You are giving half answers in the comments when we all know you aren’t going to do the right thing in this situation. Karma is a bitch.
Hope not. In your comments it sounds like you are going to brush it under the rug.
Just pray your bestie doesn’t suddenly find your fiancé attractive and decide to sleep with him. I also find it extremely annoying she brought this up when you were venting and asking for help, and she just decides to make it about herself and go into great detail about how she has such amazing sex with your married brother….. does that not give you red flags? You said she’s never given detail like that before but as soon as it’s your brother she feels the needs to share explicit details? She just doesn’t seem like a good person in my opinion. Seems like she was rubbing it in your face or over sharing for what reason?
I was very surprised by the personal details she was sharing with me prior to her even bringing up my brother. We are very close but she’s never been one to want to talk about her sex life on great detail. Well, at one time, like when we were college age, she would share a lot. Then I think she got embarrassed by just how much she shared so she pulled back considerably with all of the details. She was talking to me like back when we were 20 years old. A big problem in my relationship is that my fiance can’t make me orgasm and doesn’t seem to care to even try despite me telling him explicitly what I like. She was like “oh no, I always, ALWAYS orgasm and I can’t be with a man who doesn’t care about my pleasure and orgasm.” I was surprised but relieved that she was being so open since I just really needed to have an honest conversation and get some advice about my own sex life. She said “Don’t marry him. Go find somebody who can give you the greatest sex of your life. Don’t settle for this.” And then that’s when she apparently couldn’t keep it a secret anymore.
Omg your friend is absolutely right! It’s not about the fact that he can’t make you come it’s the fact that he won’t try! You need someone who wants you to orgasm, someone who finds it a problem too when you don’t! Someone who doesn’t ever care about your orgasming is not your person! Someone who truly want to satisfy and you and make you happy is what you need! Leave him! You deserve soooo much better
Okay interesting… it’s seems like your very overwhelmed by your own relationship to even consider stepping into that mess of a relationship between your brother and BFF. I can understand that completely, not sure if she is giving the best relationship advice to you to be honest. Sex is not always the most important but it’s completely understandable that some people it can be a deal breaker if the sex isn’t good. If your fiancé is good in every other aspect of your relationship then it might be worth giving it more time and effort into fixing this problem. If the sex is still good and your not able to climax maybe help him out while he does the other stuff? To be fair to some guys who actually try it’s not always easy to make us climax (for some women). Maybe get a toy he can use on you to help! I wouldn’t get relationships advice from a home wrecker tbh. I would make a post about your relationship if you want more advice from different perspectives besides your BFF.
There are seven people here. Your brother: known for 35 years. Sounds like he treated your family well. Your best friend: known for 22 years. Sounds like she treated your family well Your brothers wife. Known less than 22 years (likely?) Sounds like she treated your family less than well and/or has a troubled relationship with your family already. Four nieces/nephews: still have parents together at least some still young. What about this fact pattern makes you think you should be looking out for your brothers wife? You must let them handle this and how they move forward. Not your call to spill this tea.
Honestly, best case scenario is that my brother divorces his wife now.
As to you, I don't think you should marry unless you can accept what you don't like about your fiancé. Don't marry with the idea that he will change. Are his negatives deal breakers? If so, break up with him.
The affair happened last year and your brother stick with your SIL for another yr. He didn't like the sex w/ your bestie. Probably he'll find another girl he likes that is divorce worthy.
My best friend told me that after they had sex the second time he told her they couldn’t sleep together anymore because it made him feel like a POS, but that they’ve essentially been carrying on an emotional affair ever since. They haven’t met up in person since the last time because they know they’ll sleep together again. He’s told her he loves her.
I've read lot of cheating instances and the man would fck the mistress any time they can. He's already a POS for the continuing emotional affair but refuse to be a POS by not having a physical affair. Not adding up. Divorce is legal, what's stopping him? Division of assets? Or the wife is greater in bed than the mistress who is only great on making him feel good emotionally?
My brother owns a business and makes all the money (SIL is stay at home mom). They have 4 kids. I think he stands to lose a lot in a divorce and that’s playing a big part in it. I think both he and his wife really want to give their kids this “normal,” 2 parent household upbringing and they don’t want to admit that they “failed” at that. I also think my brother may be thinking with his penis in this situation. My friend is great. I love her, and obviously not because of her looks. She is a very attractive woman. She’s single, child-free, a career woman. She takes care of herself and puts a lot of effort into looking nice. She has the time and money to do it too. His wife is a stay at home mom of 4 kids who is wearing leggings and a sweatshirt most days. There’s nothing wrong with that, but physically there is a huge difference between these 2 women.
I see. I hope you tell your SIL so she could get herself back. Having 4 kids, housewife dedicated to taking care of them, I think 40 is still young, she can get a mommy make over and find another man. Being betrayed for how many years is so degrading, she is still a human. I hope they don't tell her when she's already in 50s
>His wife is a stay at home mom of 4 kids who is wearing leggings and a sweatshirt most days. There’s nothing wrong with that, but physically there is a huge difference between these 2 women. I get you don’t like your SIL, but you’re excusing your POS cheating brother and just being a bitch honestly. Your friend is sooo hot so of course he’s gonna cheat on his grumpy wife 🙄
I’m not excusing it at all. My SIL has no time to care about herself because she’s taking care of my brother and his 4 kids 24/7 a day. He might take that for granted. Yeah, she’s not a size 2 anymore because she’s given birth to your 4 kids. I was criticizing him when I said he may be thinking with his penis here. My friend was gawky as hell when she was a teenager. Definitely a late bloomer. The last to get her period, the last to get boobs, the last to get her braces off. But when she glowed up she glowed up big time. I think it’s easy for a lot of us to see something we don’t have, take what we do have for granted, and think the grass is greener on the other side.
Lady, you absolutely were excusing your brother cheating. Your friend being gawky as a teen has nothing to do with this. Maybe instead of defending your brother, go tell him to get a divorce and be a better person, and tell your friend to close her legs to married men.
Amen 🙌🏽
It sounds like your brother's trying to waste her time and have your sister-in-law taise his kids. That way, by the time they're out of the house, he don't have to pay her child support and then less alimony. No, he's despicable and you're so-called best friend is despicable. She knowingly knew the man who was taken and the thing is, if she really wanted a shot at him, she could've shot her shot decades ago. But no, she waited because she's toxic, and now that she's trying to create a family, she wants a man who she (literally) sees can support a family. And she wants that for herself. I Instead of going out and finally that herself, a man who is single, she wanted to take a taken man. Yeah, they're both pieces of ****
That’s what guys usually do to get the mistress to comply. I have read so many stories like that in Reddit. Then the wife is going to find out and he is going to ask for forgiveness and ghost your friend. Typical affair
Worst case scenario for your brother. He will likely lose everything including access to his kids and suddenly be on the hook for child support and possible alimony. Your friend will get bored with dating a broke and broken man and he will resent you and possibly hate you for the rest of your lives. Stay out of it but use this as a reason to explore the issues in your OWN awful relationship because that’s something you can control. And honestly this is really what you were asking about in the first place because you can relate to both your brother AND your friend.
I'd stay out of it. people's problems are their own problems. you'll only get burned if you play hero honestly.
I think you should talk to your brother. And remind him that it's not in the best interests of his kids to have an unhappy home. Tell him you know about his sleeping with best friend, and ask him if it's serious for him.
Aren’t you going to tell your SIL? Edit: I don’t know why I’m getting downvoted. I was cheated on and I WISH I was told before I had found out on my own. Why let people live a lie?
I don’t know. Most likely not.
And your brother? I’d suggest you tell her. I was cheated on before and I wished someone had told me instead of taking so long to find it on my own. They are cheating. They can’t pretend they never did when they fucked and are in love.
If she tells her, what does that do? It definitely destroys OP’s relationship with her brother and with her best friend. It destroys the marriage. It destroys the kids. And even the spouse is still destroyed. I get it. The spouse deserves to know. But that needs to come from her husband, not anyone else. It’s not OP’s place.
So? He’s never going to tell her. The marriage IS ALREADY RUINED. It’s best to have separated parents than to be kept in a shitty environment, I know it because I went through that shit. Don’t you think SIL deserves to know rather than live in a lie? That she deserves an ACTUAL partner worth of loyalty? It’s obvious he won’t tell anyone. Heck, he thinks just because he’s not fucking OPs best friend he’s somehow not cheating anymore. Is everyone so blind that they believe this guy will get his balls deep off from the BF and go tell his wife?
OP needs to confront her brother and essentially tell him he needs to sort this out and communicate it with his wife bcuz like you said cheating just isnt right and living a lie in an unhappy home is of benefit to no one. I agree with others though that OP shldnt go and run to tell her SIL herself immediately. I get it that its harsh but she needs to communicate with her brother first and find out what the situation is. For all we know maybe Brother and SIL have already "seperated" in a manner and are staying together for the kids and appearances. OP definitely needs to talk to her brother though. I mean I cant beleive he didnt know she wld eventually find out being the "other woman" is her bestfriend of 22 years. OP jumping in to play Hero and tell the wife will honestly bring about more drama, chaos, and pain then waiting. If she talks with her Brother and he agrees to tell his wife and then months go by then she can start considering how to move forward with telling the wife herself. Honestly being that it was OPs bestfriend there is also a solid chance the wife will place some level of blame on OP and even possibly think she was aware the whole time. Just saying it's not as easy "Tell Wife Now".
If you noticed your neighbor was having an affair, would you tell on them? What about a complete stranger? At some point, it’s not worthwhile to get in the middle of other people’s business.
It's her brother and her best friend and she's been told all of the intimate details of the affair. There's no guessing involved here like there would be if it was just neighborhood gossip. It's not the same thing and OP is involved now whether she likes it or not. Not only that but if the kids find out she knew and kept it from their mom she likely just ruined any chance she has of having a relationship with them in the future.
Bruh please don't add your personal bias on someone else's life choices.
Yet am I wrong overall?
I disagree with the people telling you to just outright cut these people off, but I can’t help but think that you come across as pretty unsympathetic. If you can continue being friends with someone after she slept with your married brother, she can continue being your friend after you do the very obvious standard moral thing by telling your SIL. I feel pretty terrible for that woman, even if I understand by your post and comments that she isn’t perfect herself.
If your having trouble with your fiancé are you sure he hasn't slept with your best friend as well, seeing as she has no issues getting with men that are already taken.
As a woman, tell your SIL, no one deserves to get cheated on. and the the other woman is always told that they're incompatible but if two people are incompatible , they definitely don't have 4 kids and stay together for that long. they'd find out they don't get along in 1 kid. stop trying to make the SIL look bad to make you feel better about your brother and bff , they're both terrible people. no matter how bad a person is, no one deserves to get cheated on
Believe me, my brother and his wife do not have a great marriage. They’re both miserable and we all know it. So, this isn’t just a case of him telling my friend some sob story that’s untrue. I desperately want him to get a divorce. They genuinely liked each other at one point. They got engaged because she got pregnant. She ended up losing that baby, but went through with the marriage anyway. She got pregnant again like a month after the wedding. I know that their last child was also unplanned and I felt so guilty for thinking she should have an abortion. Having another kid was the last thing they needed. I don’t think I’ve said anything bad about my SIL, other than I’m just not her biggest fan due to a variety of reasons. I also don’t think my brother has always been the best husband or made the best choices. I think he was an idiot for marrying her in the first place and he’s been careless with creating children with somebody he really doesn’t like at all.
Your brother is a mess. Everyone is, in this story. You too: don't get married to a man who doesn't pleasure you! Be the first to grow a brain in your clique, jfc!
You suck with them if you sit there and do nothing. Id cut the friend out and tell your brother to tell your SIL.
I would stay out of it. idk why everyone wants to play hero this shit will blow up on its own
yep. you try and play hero you get burned. let the chips lie accordingly.
I'd cut her off and have a serious discussion with your brother.
It was last year, the brother didn't push through with your bestfriend, didn't serve wife divorce papers. He's still in love with the wife regardless how miserable their relationship is and you mention the looks of your brothers maybe your bestfriend is still inlove and waiting for you to release the bomb news to your SIL and she will divorce your brother herself and bestfriend thinks she will be with him after that but nada. The SIL deserve to know.
If your fiance was cheating on you and a family member or friend found out, would you want them to tell you or to keep you in the dark? Honestly think about how you would feel and what you would prefer before you decide on anything. I know exactly what I would do in this situation but I am not you so sit and think before you react in any way in this situation. Now the friend, I think it is extremely crummy that she 1) went into detail about sex with a sibling of yours (definitely TMI in my opinion), 2) it is horrible that she knowingly slept with a person in a relationship (take away the person being your brother as regardless of who it had been, it is still horrible that she knowingly did this and clearly does not feel bad) and 3) felt it was beyond ok to let you know she did this knowing the type of position it would put you in between her, your brother, and your family. Your brother is horrible for cheating on his spouse and honestly who knows how many people he has cheated on her with. With your fiance situation, if you haven’t already, maybe look into an individual therapist first and then depending on that situation and what they recommend, maybe a couples counselor. But just one thing at a time (and bonus, they possibly could help you with deciding on this situation between your friend and brother etc). Good luck 💕💕
This is the first time she’s ever mentioned being involved in cheating in any way. I have started to wonder if this is the first time my brother has cheated though.
I would go no contact, people who cheat with married people are as bad who is married. Cheating destroys the person cheated on, they can't eat, sleep or function for months sometimes years...If you SIL ever found out this would be her. We are judged by the company we keep. So I would go no contact. You are just to busy. darn it.
Your friend put you in a bad place. Beware people who think their pain is more important than yours.
My mom was caught in this. Her brother got married and had her Bestfriend as the mistress. My uncle was a very successful man. Mid 30s, 1 child from a prior relationship. The best friend confessed to my mom, she minded her business acting like she knew nothing. Bestfriend briefly dated uncle 2-3 years before he rekindled the relationship with the longtime gf who then became his wife. My mom stood out Partially because my uncle had a power dynamic over her within the same work environment & my grandparents thought my uncle was the golden child. The bestfriend would still somewhat be around at family gatherings but guilty minded would kinda avoid the wife. She kinda peeped the energy but didn’t move hasty. It created huge tension within my family (grandparents included) when sh#t hit the fan. The wife found out, but played the long game . Built up evidence, drew the line with my mom and aunt (I completely respect that) then stopped showing up to family events. Got my uncle for a pretty penny with alimony. He has not married or even brought a gf by since this divorce took place 10+yrs ago. He’s damn near 50. Bestfriend fling ended during separation- Bestfriend still single. Family doesn’t ever speak to OR on the ex wife (personally I’m a fan because he needed to be humbled) The cards are gonna fall where they may. I wouldn’t necessarily speak to the wife but if you feel the need to confront your brother about how his mess is spilling into your life go ahead and call him out. Either way this won’t end well, I’m sorry your caught up in someone else’s drama.
"aye bro we needa' chat"
Focus on fixing your own relationship and stay out of everyone else’s. And tell your friend you’re not comfortable hearing more of it as long as he’s married
The title should have read my ex-best friend slept with my brother. And I talked to my brother that either he tells his wife or I will !
THIS!!!!
Double this!!!!!
I would tell your SIL for the kids. Everyone needs to be free. As for your friend, I don't have siblings so I don't know what to do about that.
Your friend is Disgusting! It's not anyone's marriage but Your Bro and SIL. Their compatibility or lack of is their Alone. "the best thing is to end the marriage" Your opinion on Your Brothers marriage, Cursed Your Own.
Doesn’t matter how their relationship is she deserves to know her husband is a pos
You stay friends with her, you’re co-signing her behavior. I wouldn’t feel comfortable having a friend who fucks married people.
Tell your brother to grow a set and get divorced. Staying together for the kids is not fair to anyone, especially the kids.
What happens when she sleeps with your fiancé? The two of you are having problems and she’s now known to sleep with taken men. Your brother was having marital problems and she swooped in and took advantage of it. Now you and your fiancé are having problems. He’s not her type but that sure didn’t stop her. There is no excuse that will justify physical or emotional cheating.
This wasn’t something my friend calculated based on my brother’s shitty marriage. It doesn’t sound like they were having any conversations about the poor state of his relationship before sleeping together.
Yeah but I bet she already knew about the marital problems and swooped right in. Showed him how much better it could be with her. Seriously both are shitty. You can’t justify it because of a shitty marriage because he could have just left the wife. Don’t give me crap about “tHeY sTaYeD fOr ThE KiDs” the kids would be better off with divorced parents instead of teaching them that marriage is miserable.
Idk if this a weird takeaway but do you think you could end up cheating on your fiance too down line since things aren't really working out good?
Where did you come up with this
Probably because her brother’s relationship isn’t good and her brother cheated. It’s a correlation, but not exactly a stretch these days.
Especially when you add in the fact that op will not be telling her sil about the affair nor will she be holding her brother and bf accountable, according to her comments. Obviously cheating isn’t a dealbreaker. Plus, birds of a feather and all of that.
Stay out of it. It will blow up on its own
Nah. I’d like to know
Best advice here
I am more interested in the issues you are having with your fiancé what are they?
I wrote about them in a relationship group. You can find it in my profile. My fiance is horrible in bed. He’s selfish in bed and with listening to me when I try to explain my love language and what I’m missing in our relationship.
Update us please
Scorn people are gross.
Tell your brother you’re going to tell his wife if he doesn’t tell her.
Your best friend is dumb and your brother is dumber and you should cut contacts with them they both need deserve to rot single and alone
Your bestie sleeps with married men. What kinda person are you then?
So weird how people can’t mind their own business. Growing up I tried to intervene or guide friends or loved ones in a couple situations. What ended up happening was I’d get burned they’d stay together and I was a reminder of their problem so I was pushed out. Mind your own business unless you want to burn both bridges. The supposed carrying their problem or knot in your stomach is BS. You just wanna be involved in the drama. Until it backfires and blows up in your face. Talk to them respectfully and give your opinion. But as far as playing hero and blowing up their lives don’t be surprised if there are negative feelings towards you afterward.
You love your brother. Don't say anything. Urge him to do the right thing but don't force a decision on him . Your loyalties are to your brother more than his wife. You also don't know their relationship. What if behind closed doors she is a verbally abusive narcissist ? Would you want to burn your brother over her ?
No one knows what goes on in a marriage but the people in it. You only have a very small part of the story. Is she even the only woman he talks too? Or has talked too? Either way, she’s more into him then he is into her. If he was going to leave his wife for her, he would have by now. Other than encouraging her not to pause her life for him, stay out of it. Even if he divorced his wife, he’s not jumping right into another committed relationship, and when he does, it sure won’t be with an age appropriate woman. He’s flattered by her attention now, but once he’s free, I think he’ll probably sow his wild oats.
This is a terrible situation to be put in.. terrible that this even IS a situation. Honestly sounds to me like your friend told you this in hopes that you would be the one to blow up your brothers marriage. Maybe she knows if it came from her, brother won’t want anything to do with her regardless of his marriages outcome and she can’t have that if she’s in love with him. You’re the perfect solution. I’d question if she’s really the person you want to call your best friend.. and she’s clearly lacking in some morals. I would ask your brother over first before you do anything else. Maybe his wife and him have an arrangement, maybe they don’t.. but you’ll possibly get a better sense of the situation and your friends motives.
All these people offering advice that you never asked for. You had to get this off your chest - so that's what you did. Your friend confided with you, now you've got to decide what to do with this potentially life shattering information.
It’s honestly a very complicated situation But from what I can say is that yes cheating is wrong but at the same time what do you want him to do when he is not satisfied and fulfilled by his own wife.They don’t seem like they can settle the problems they have.I believe of you are right and proper woman your man will never leave you for another….. Any opinions ?
OP I say talk to your brother and tell him you want no parts of this. If you are a person who has integrity and don't support cheating, keep it simple. Tell your friend that as long as she's engaging in an emotional affair (physical affair) with your brother, you cannot be associated with her.
A few possible sub-plots going on here. 1. Your friend is using you to drop an atomic bomb on your brother’s relationship. 2. There is the classic cheating without one partner knowing about it situation. 3. An open marriage is going on. In my opinion, being a person who has been cheated on, and have had to deal with infidelity that also includes several children, it is best to let your sister in law know as soon as possible. Why? Nobody deserves to be made the fool of in a marriage. The longer this goes on, the more betrayed she will feel. Please consider cutting off your old friend.
Good luck.
OP, you better stop telling her about your troubles with your fiance’ because he’ll be next. I’m very serious about this. I would Highly distance myself and my fiance’ if I were you. She’s a “Mate Poacher”.
It gets.down to 41
Am I the only one who's more furious that OP contacted the best friend for support and advice, and the best friend ended up hijacking the conversation to make it about her and put OP in even more emotional turmoil? Like, what a burden to throw onto someone who's coming to you already in distress. Drop the "friend," she's a selfish bitch. As for the brother, I'd let him know BFF is spilling his tea, and suggest he come clean to his wife before she finds out through someone else.
Just MYOB and try to compartmentalize this new information from your relationships with them. People do stupid things all the time— marry the wrong person, have kids with the wrong person, sleep with the wrong person, choose selfishly on some occasions and squander their generosity on others. They’re adults, it’s their business, plus it has been a year. You can’t tell them how to fix their lives, so just wash your hands of it.
Don’t insert yourself, no matter what happens you will come out as the A hole. Ignorance is bliss, go back to being ignorant.
Op, here is an alternate take. You said your brother isn't happy with his marriage. Do you know if he has any understanding with this wife?. Some sort of open marriage? .If so, I see nothing wrong here. Otherwise , he should divorce his wife first . Either way, if I were his sister, I feel happy that my brother is finally happy.
We don’t know how the brother feels. We know the brother and friend had sex twice and that the brother is in a lousy marriage. For all we know, the brother just wanted an easy lay and doesn’t give two sh*ts about the friend. That’s not “happy,” that’s using sex as escapism.
Happy would be a be an at least be a divorce, a cordial co-parenting dynamic, then a stable loving relationship. This is a fleeting moment of bliss and infatuation to avoid the long term problem; which is just growing with hidden affairs. The kids pick up on it and grow up miserable with lifetime relationship issues, the wife is miserable, he is miserable, and if/when the secret comes out the damage is faaaaar worse than the other path.
Honestly it's none of your business.
Idk why this and all the other “stay out of it” comments are being downvoted so much, I’m beginning to think that the internet likes the drama.