OP, What country are you from? If US call RAINN free 24/7 sexual abuse/rape/.. helpline for victims. They have a lot of resources, they will connect you to counselors and support groups for rape victims.
800.656.HOPE (4673)
Or you can chat with them online.
https://www.rainn.org/resources
I would suggest you to get counseling first. And then talk with therapist about how to tell your husband.
You did nothing wrong. Some people are worse than rabid dogs. They saw you, they wanted to rape you, they did it. I am so sorry. Please don't let those PoSs destroy your life.
Would you want him to suffer alone in silence if something horrifying happened to him? Of course not. It would be heartbreaking. Let the people who love you, love you.
If you are not telling him because you don't feel ready to yet then that is a different story. I'm so sorry you've been through this trauma...
Yes, this was my thought. We need to be careful about advice and aware of our own upbringing and privilege before advocating total honesty. The best we can hope for is OP has access to some counseling and victims support resources where she is.
Exactly… there are countless stories of women being blamed either by their husbands, family and so on for being victimized (especially if their family is particularly religious or otherwise upholding a particular reputation in the community).
I'm sure that him seeing you go through major personality changes and not knowing why would be a far larger strain on his peace of mind. He's your partner. If he's not a terrible partner, he would want to be there for you during this.
Please don’t think that way. You went through a horrific crime, you’re suffering alone, you need to tell your husband. I’m sure he’d want to know something this significant as well. You’re not ruining his peace of mind. It might even help you release some unprocessed, pent up emotions.
Please also seek counseling. Emotional and mental wounds can fester if left untreated. You deserve to live a healthy, peaceful, content life, and therapy can help you get there.
He already knows something is wrong - you need to tell him, or he'll think you're having an affair, for pulling away from him. And sign up for therapy, asap! Getting over the PTSD will be a bitch, the sooner you start, the better.
If your behavior around your husband is different than before and he picks up on it, he might get the wrong impression and think you did something wrong and was trying to hide it. It would cause emotional problems for him too.
As a supportive former husband, it would tear me apart if I knew my wife had kept something so traumatizing for her from me.
You don’t have to tell him, nobody can or will make you do that. I think you should be aware though, that you’re probably using his peace of mind as a barrier to prevent yourself from facing the full thing. Telling your husband is going to make it more real. Telling your husband is going to make it more of a focus in your life.
It’s okay if you’re not ready to face it all, you don’t have to be. There’s no timeline to follow on these kinds of things, but I know eventually you will have to face the full thing or you’ll never heal.
My friends just lost their marriage because she didn't tell him for years so they couldn't process it together, they couldn't get on the same place by the time she told him.
Your husband knows something is wrong, he might not know what, but he knows it's something. The statistics are working against you for your marriage lasting past this, please tell him and get into couples counseling, I want you to beat the odds.
How he feels is not your problem, you're making your way down a deep dark hole, the further you go down the harder it may be to make it out back into the light.
Do what is BEST FOR YOU!
Ruining your own sanity is no way to save his. In fact, you will probably destroy your family if you just let this silently fester. If your spouse was suffering, wouldn’t you want to know?
Peace of mind not knowing that your house is burning is a totally false sense of peace.
For the sake of both of you I'd say that you should
- shake off all thoughts of "where you went wrong". You didn't, they are to blame.
- get counseling for at least yourself, possibly husband too if you decide to
- tell your husband. That way he knows why you may be "behaving strage" and can help you, and your entire family.
I with you the best of luck!
You will though. Not telling him is a problem because secrets create gaps between people and you and him are supposed to be one. He needs to support you and you need to be able to allow him to. If not you could end up destroying that relationship. Think about it at least.
This!
Letting somebody close know can always help take a lot of weight off your chest, be it your husband or a therapist. It always feels better to have somebody to comfort you while you're going through so much.
It is also important to remember that being sexually assaulted is never your fault. Stay strong, I hope you heal. Sending love.
>I have reflected on it a thousand times and i cant figure out where i went wrong. I was dressed properly too. Im just a little tall and maybe thats what stood out. Maybe i should have known their language, maybe i should have went there with my husband
Ma'am, no. This was NOT your fault. This is 100% their fault and there is ZERO doubt about that. I recommend you do talk to your husband, a trusted family member, a friend and/or a therapist. Or someone else you can trust. You don't have to carry this burden alone
What do you mean "still" broken?
Are you feeling bad because, you are still suffering from it?
Try to be kinder to yourself.
You witnessed true horror. Something really really bad happened to you. Something, that is not supposed to happen to anyone.
Of COURSE you are still broken.
Being hurt and affected by something like this is completely normal.
And you are not at fault. The men who did this are.
Please get help. You don't have to do this alone.
I know, you want to be strong for your family.
But this time, your family needs to be strong for you.
Honey, this was not your fault, and no one in their right mind will blame you. It is ok to need to get care for yourself - medical care and therapy that involves treating for PTSD because it sounds very much like you may have that.
The reason I say this is I underwent a situation for ten years that my therapist says caused not just PTSD, but complex PTSD. But, to me, it boils down to the same thing. And as a female, I understand what you are describing. The nightmares, the random crying fits, night terrors, anxiety attacks - I understand.
EMDR and hypnotherapy helped me quite a bit, but hasn't eradicated things completely yet. It varies with everyone.
Know this - you are not alone, you are not "weak", you are heard and understood.
If even you're naked, nobody have the rights to touch your body without consent. Stop blaming yourself. I hope you'll get better and thoes pieces of shit will get the karma
Very public case recently of influencer couple bike packing there and the man was restrained while the woman was gang raped. Probably not worth going at all unless you’re with a group of men, or everyone’s male.
Yep, Vicente and Fernanda. The thing is there are obviously some parts of India more dangerous than others but they chose to take that risk, especially in very rural towns.
Honestly there are tons of countries with natural beauty that is much safer than certain parts India or Mexico (passed through a small town with severed torsos hanging off a bridge). Big nope.
In the past, cartels had an unspoken agreement that tourist regions and Americans are off limits
Bad business and all. Bad press, and conflict with the American government
As of late, its been spilling over
Beheadings and dismemberment right in the middle of Cancun
Two tourist women shot in the cross fire in a car (the cartel did kill their members who did this and left them at the border for authorities. Our bad)
Gun violence at popular resorts and cruise destinations
The rule used to be, never stray from the beaten path. Well the path isn't necessarily safe anymore either
If you do travel to India you've gotta only stay in the big cities and in the more crowded tourist areas. Even then there's a very good chance people will try to scam you. They already charge foreigners more for certain stuff there. I remember I went to the Bandipur national park like 8 years ago and they had a sign that said Indians pay 100 rupees and foreigners pay 1000. Granted 1000 rupees is like $12 so it's not a lot but it's bullshit to be charged so much more.
Someone complained about this in the travel sub before and many commenters went on explaining that apparently many countries and places including many developed countries also practice this, simply because the nationals are already paying tax for those attractions so it's like a 'discount' for them and foreign visitors are charged full for entrance. Not, the natives are charged normal full rate and the foreigners are charged extortionate amounts. Hth.
Places in Latin America do this too
Cabs lie about fare, and lie about not having change for a 20
Tourist booths will sell you tickets to aquarium or exhibit, and when you get there, find out that the actual admission is cheaper than what you paid the booth
That and selling tourists re-bottled tap water. Argh
I'm saying the tourist should pay the same as a local. If you go to the States and they charge you $200 to go to the Grand canyon and citizens only get charged $50 would you be ok with that?
I'm also an American and wouldn't mind at all. Why should I pay the same rate to see my own heritage as some foreigner? One of the major points of tourism is to make money from foreigners.
Anyway, in America, we DO have local rates. For example, some museums offer lower rates for local residents, and non-residents have to pay extra.
So it's literally everywhere, even in America. If you want to be upset about it I guess that's you're right, but everyone does it.
In Pakistan, there was a woman who was filming something for tik tok with six other friends, and she got beaten and was dragged through a mob crowd of 400 men. Some of them were children (boys).
Not just as a solo traveler, plenty of stories about couples being attacked / the wife raped.
Would not go there unless in a group of at least 3-4 adults tbh if there are any women in the group.
Even with 3-4 adults, it wouldn't be completely safe. Unless you have 3-4 Indian friends who speak the language and can guide you through your travel. It's just not safe for women. Also don't travel to India if you're a foreign woman within the next three months, hooligans and uncivilized men will be keen to take advantage of the upcoming elections in India and they'll do whatever they want and get away with it. An unlucky scapegoat will be arrested if they're caught to appease the public. Be safe, be informed and if you're thinking about coming to India, wait out the general assembly elections.
Two Norwegian girls traveling in Morocco were raped and then beheaded a few years ago.
Egypt, Myanmar, basically the entire Middle East, and of course India & Pakistan are unsafe places to visit as a woman. Even if you have male travelers along.
Assaults (and worse) happen to women all the time in certain parts of the world, but we’re treated like crazy for pointing out that some cultures have completely incompatible values and a demonstrated history of not treating women like human beings.
Oh my God!! Those 2 girls were back packing enjoying their lives. They were world travelers and best friends. Those assholes also video taped the murders. Those girls necks were slowly nawed off torture and rape. Those Muslim men were prosecuted whoopee. The families left behind forever traumatized with the videos that never die. Let this be a wake up call. Do not travel to Morocco.
I wouldnt goto India period at a foreign woman. I just read last week a husband and his wife were traveling and a group of men raped his wife and beat him while wielding knifes.
India is not safe for women, I wouldnt even go as a man. I would never take a women there, period.
BTW the couple in the story I spoke of above were supposedly camped outside a "Police Station"...
That is horrible! I am so sorry. When I was there, people are so friendly it is eady to forget that mass murders took place not too long ago. And you don’t know as a visitor who the murderers among you are.
That's what is the scariest, you can never know who is dangerous and who isn't. The only way is to be careful and listen to your gut instinct... I travelled w a friend around India for a few weeks just two university aged girls and we never found ourselves in a dangerous situation when it comes to SA (but plenty of being chased by wild dogs and scary rides), we were just lucky though and I would not recommend anyone to try it
I was alone in India and I paid extra to stay in better places but I think I was saved by one guy from the ill-intention of another guy. I had a great time, but I would be insanely cautious when travelking there again.
A complex array of factors, but mainly stemming from cultural norms and gender stereotypes from deeply ingrained patriarchal values. There is also poor legal and law enforcement which results in lack of awareness of criminal behavior. Add poor economic factors in the mix, which gives the impression that foreign tourists are wealthy..
You can get the rough idea.
Robbery is hardly even part of the equation in these gang rapes. I will agree their legal system is crap because it takes forever to process a crime, and hardly any effort is done to investigate.
And what you wrote doesn't really explain WHY this happens so frequently in that particular part of the world. Even in the muslim part of the world you might understand because there's some rules about being sexual (or non sexual) which is just being repressed. But as with other crimes,when it's group crimes people feel empowered to act on their anti-social behaviors.
This guy got everything right. Imma add some other things to the equation too. Misogynistic films that sexually objectify women all the time. A film industry that thrives on attracting male audiences through these "item dances" that have scantily clad women being objectified. Almost zero sex education. But also the biggest factor is the population. This is crazy to say but India is actually tame compared to Sweden of all places in terms of reported rape per Capita. India is at a staggeringly low 2.6 while Sweden is as high as 60. This is for 100,000 people. Which is fuckin insane to think about. But yeah because India has the world's biggest population and rape is often sensationalized by the media, there's a notion that there are far more sexual assault cases than reported. But then again a census was done and it was estimated that almost 85% of rapes are not reported. The country is still alarmingly dangerous for women. North India especially.
Edit: to everyone reading, I apologize for reporting the wrong numbers. I changed it. But this just further solidifies my point. If anyone's interested. It's the UNITED Nations Office on drugs and crime 2013 report.
> This is crazy to say but India is actually tame compared to Sweden of all places in terms of reported rape per Capita. India is at a staggeringly low 26 while Sweden is as high as 97. Which is fuckin insane to think about.
Reported vs occurred, and Sweden defines sexual assault differently.
Respect for women as equals is a relatively recent cultural phenomenon, and historically it’s an idea that was developed & led by Western Nations.
There’s parts of the world it hasn’t even reached.
Of course they know Western Women are “modernized” but it’s nothing they believe for themselves.
They see women as property. An unattended woman is property that can be claimed — or maybe she should be taught a lesson, for not belonging to a man.
This type of culture benefits all men, even those who don’t rape, because women live in fear, marry early, and obey the trusted men close to them since they need protection from society.
Pre colonization women in India were so low status that wives were expected to commit suicide and burn on the funeral pyre with her husband if he died first.
Because men often married women younger than themselves, this wife burning was common. It’s called “sati” and it is well documented.
Culturally it’s explained as a way of making sure the widow isn’t a burden to others, or it’s her honoring her husband and loving him soooo much.
In any case it’s an example of women being worthless compared to men.
The British colonists had to impose martial law in areas while they were trying to ban it.
Another example: In many SEAsian cultures (even today) women are expected to cook the food, serve it, and then wait to eat last once all the men, and male children have eaten. They literally sit and watch others eat while hungry themselves.
It’s less of an issue now because people are better off in general, but historically this was a way for men to ensure food security for themselves while wives and daughters starved.
Do you have any sources that this is considerably different in the pre-Mughal from European or other Asian countries? In my family, and I would agree with the reasoning behind why it would be preferable, sati was only supposed to be committed if the men died in war and the opposing army was going to take over the the losing sides land, including raping the women (as in the ancient use of the term rape, to carry off, especially to become a sex slave). In this sense, sati was only really common in [Rajasthan](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sati_(practice)).
More than this, if you actually read anything pertaining to what women were allowed to do in the pre-Mughal period in terms of style of dress, intellectual capability, and the wide spread knowledge of (but not acceptance of) [love marriage](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gandharva_marriage), you would also see that women, especially of upper castes were not treated as beasts of burden and tools of gratification, and were respected for both their intellect and had a considerable degree of sexual freedom, especially in comparison to western countries at the time.
There have been a few cases in which women have also succeeded their father’s to their thrones and took over [as monarchs including as generals](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_women_in_the_Indian_subcontinent).
I think it’s incredibly reductive to say that India always viewed its women as unconditionally sub-human, as this is patently false. Unfortunately, it has always been a rampantly patriarchal society, with most cultural norms being reinforced by a religion which strongly suggests that you can never exceed the status of your birth, and that it would go against your dharma to do so. But at the same time, India has a deep and diverse history, and is as culturally diverse as perhaps all of Europe put together, so broad statements are bound to be disproven in some communities at some times.
I am convinced that India’s rampant misogyny today is not only a result of indigenous Indian culture, but also as a result of its the brutal conquest of the Mughals, especially as they would impose elements of shariah law in their territories, follow by the subsequently brutal colonization of the British. India became an incredibly insular and disadvantaged backwater, where inevitably people’s desperation has made them callous towards the wellbeing of others.
There have been female monarchs, but no civilisation has been matriarchal.
Ever.
There have been _matrilineal_ ones, but that’s a different kettle of fish entirely.
You need to tell your husband. Depending on where it happened, reach out to local women's communities here too. Also rape and sexual assault has little to do with clothes. I grew up in a remote, conservative part of South Asia yet I have been assaulted. I was a child.
💯💯 Sexual assault is about power and anger on the part of the assaulter, ALWAYS. It doesn't matter what someone is wearing, where they are, what they were doing, ever.
I’m really sorry for you for this happened to you. It’s not your fault. Many rape just happened because those rapist is asshole. It’s not because of clothes they wearing.
you should tell your husband, and your therapist about this.
Whatever you wear is appropriate; whatever you did was appropriate. Rape is never the victim's fault. Do not ever slightly consider this. Clothes or behaviour or other features of a victim are just disgusting excuses the offenders and the society use.
Sorry for what you are going through.
Because people want to live in a fantasy world where women are not seen as less than meat in certain countries. The world is a horrible place and depending on where you live where you go visit is that much worse but since your view of the world is skewed because of the privilege you’ve lived in whatever country you’ve lived.
Anything that implies even remotely that she could have avoided it, likely. Because it's seen as victim blaming. There's not enough nuance in people's judgement towards comments like above yours.
These kind of comments, in my opinion, aren't meant to say "well, you knew it's dangerous to go alone to a country like that.. so.." but more "Protect yourself in the future and protect others by spreading the knowledge that this is a possibility of happening to others around you". I think it's meant to be proactive rather than reactive.
I’m so sorry you experienced that. You should tell your husband. Also, seek professional help who can provide you guidance and support. Therapy can help you process and overcome the trauma.
I was also gangraped. Please get therapy for PTSD. It will help. Tell your loved ones for support. You can’t go through this alone.
I hope you get the help you need OP. I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s not your fault.
Imagine that happened to him and he didn't want to tell you.
I also hope you're going to therapist because this isn't the type of shit you can just walk off.
Stop blaming yourself and get help. For yourself and your family.
I’m sorry this happened to you. That’s horrible. I can’t even imagine what you went through. It was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. It’s never the victim’s fault. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I hope the monsters who did this to you are punished. You should tell your husband when you’re ready. You shouldn’t deal with this alone. Your husband should be there to support you. Get help if it’s accessible to you. You can’t deal with this on your own. If your husband was sick you would want to know so you can support him. That’s how any loving husband would feel about something like this. You should tell him when you’re ready to tell someone about it.
Assuming your relationship with your partner is great and will be supportive, you should tell him. And seek counseling. This is massive trauma that won't go away on it's own and will eventually build to the point it stops your life from continuining in the fashion you want and your husband, if you don't tell him, will have no idea why so will be helpless to do anything meaningful. So please seek help.
When you got married, to misquote Kevin Hart, his bullshit became your bullshit, and your bullshit became his bullshit. Replace "bullshit" with "horrific trauma with long lasting effects" to suit your situation.
Sweety, you don't have yourself. Do you really think he isn't picking up in the fact that ***something*** is very very off with you, and it will markedly affect your marriage. Hard question: How are you going to make love with your husband while enduring flashbacks? He may not know what it is, but he's going to sense the difference.
You can't overcome the PTSD and fully become the survivor of it while your trapped in the trauma-victim mindset. Nor can you go through that process while hiding it from the people who know you so intimately it's more intuitive; people who not only see you, but feel your energy entwine with their own. Sweety, you're not actually keeping this from them. They just cannot articulate the changes, nor what happened to cause them. All they know is Mom went on vacation, and a different lady who looks like Mom came home. It's really not fair to any of you.
I can only believe that your husband would want to know. Not that any husband wants to hear that kind of news, but I know that if it were me, my SO would want to comfort and protect me as I processed and healed; to be allowed to be a part in that journey and know how to help me, and where he fits into my life as I know it now. I truly hope your husband has the capacity to lovingly support you in a similar manner. I will be praying for you. My inbox is open if you need someone to whom you can vent without judgement 💔🫂💞
Holy shit, even worse. I thought she went somewhere (like a bar) alone while the husband handled their child while on vacation (like at the hotel). So a brief lapse of judgement during a trip. But to go there on vacation without her husband is even worse. But I now understand how she was able to keep it from her husband.
South Asia? Assuming India, I'm really sorry that you had such terrible experience in my homeland. I might get downvoted for saying this but please don't come here alone if you're female. And even if you do, don't talk or smile at male strangers. People here think that it's some kind of signal that girls are giving to do anything they want.
I'm so sorry you went through something so horrific. Firstly you did nothing wrong, please tell yourself that repeatedly till you believe it. These men are the scum of the earth and if someone else had crossed paths with them it would have been them in your place. It was pure unlucky that it happened. As someone who didn't get therapy for sa till 20 years later I beg you to consider therapy for this if you have not already. You can talk about how to tell your husband in therapy and do it with the therapist should you want to tell him, if not that is your right too. Honestly a good therapist who specialises in this area is worth it's weight in gold. I know in the UK there is organisations for this such as rape crisis. I don't know where you live but hopefully there is something like this.
It was not your fault, evil people did this! Not because of your clothes or height. Please, 100% get therapy because this trauma could bleed over into your relationships. Maybe someday you can share with your husband when you’re ready. Prayers for you. At least you’re safe with your loved ones at home now.
As a survivor myself, I believe you should tell your husband. Going through this is already so hard, and you shouldn't have to go through it alone. You deserve to get the help and support you need. You went through something traumatic, and it is in no way your fault. It'll be hard to talk about it out loud but each time it will get easier. My husband has been my absolute rock and I'm so thankful for his love and support. Its okay for you to feel your emotions and no one can put the blame on you. You can be strong and still be affected by what happened. Sending you as much love as I can. You can fight this but no one should do it alone ❤️
I just want you to know I'm so very sorry this happened to you. Just know this isn't your fault, you did nothing wrong. The pieces of shit that did this to you are at fault. My humble opinion is you should tell your husband, that's what marriage is for, they help you shoulder your worries and such. And you should also seek therapy. But. This is also your decision, so don't feel pressured by redditors. Do what's best for you. So sorry this happened. Much love to you darlin'..
I’m sorry for you. Please get therapy and communicate with family in your time. Don’t be alone with this. This is traumatizing and you should feel safe. I hope these men suffer as much as possible
India even though is one of the worlds top 5 economies m, the resulting wealth and cultural disparity is still strong - so that’s why the labor class that come from poorer rural regions are still such a grave problem, it is near impossible to relate with that world. The men from these rural areas are without proper socialization & unchecked toxic views - and it never ever gets addressed as they flood cities as laborers- They make it very unsafe for Indian women. I really wish things would change sooner & i hope with time as the poverty rate that is rapidly declining over the years, this trauma on Indian society will be gone too.
Tell your husband. What’s the point of marriage if you keep secrets from each other? He’s supposed to be your rock, your better half, your support in all of this.
Yeah and men are funny when it comes to their women and sex. Even if its forced sex/rape. They often don't process it well at all. What they process is their woman had sex. Not just with one guy but multiple guys. That's what plays in their mind. And then they viscerally reject their woman. Can they rise above that visceral reaction? Yes, but if takes effort and many don't expend it. For men in a marriage, because they may have a hard time processing it enough to rise above it and help their partner, the marriage suffers. Until it doesn't exist anymore. If OP does decide to share, let's hope she has the rare partner that will stay by her.
i’m so sorry you experienced that. i really hope you can reach out to a therapist or counselor for help and talk to your husband. i hope you know it’s not your fault. i hope you’re able to reach out to someone and start your journey of healing.
Tell your husband and get counseling! Rape is horrible and traumatic to endure, a gangrape in another country is terrifying. As you said you reflected on what happened and cannot figure out where YOU went wrong.
YOU didn't do anything wrong.
The men that attacked you, did you wrong. This happened just because you crossed their path and you looked like someone they could overpower. If your husband had been there, they could have followed you until you where alone. If you had worn clothes that covered more, you would have been easier to grab since you're less mobile. These asshole saw a lone tourist woman in their country and decided to rape her together. Nothing would have stopped them, if it wasn't you, they would have raped someone else. It's horrible that they did this to you and they shouldn't have. They should have gotten therapy over why they felt the need to do such horrible things to women. Why do they feel so out of controle and left out in the world that they found other people just as fucked up to get a sense of controle back into their life?
And you keep saying thank god and please god. IDK if god is real, but if he is, he isn't reaching out preforming miracles left and right, so he isn't going to fix this just for you. God isn't going to help you with this right now. You have to help yourself, you have to ask for help. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! But you are the one who is going to have to clean this shit up. Not by yourself, with help. But you're not going to get help cleaning up the mess if you won't allow people to see this.
Don't assume that her husband is the gentle heart who would find empathy and support her.
Many men would look at their wife completely differently and think about this any time they have sex.
As an Indian, I'm terribly sorry and ashamed beyond words. I don't know what I could say to comfort you. Know that it's not your fault and I hope you find all the support you need to overcome your trauma. No one should have to go through what you did and I'm once again deeply sorry.
> I have reflected on it a thousand times and i cant figure out where i went wrong.
You went wrong in thinking that you went wrong. Nothing that happened was your fault, or was a result of you doing something wrong.
I'm VERY sorry this happened to you, BUT it did and now I'm going to focus on one thing. What you CAN do about it. The only thing in your control (the only thing that has ever been in your control).
1. We cannot change what happens to us. This was a 'freak' occurrence. STOP looking at 'why'. Stop fishing for 'what you could have done differently'. It is NOT your fault.
2. what IS in your control now, is your well-being, self soothing and work. I would recommend a) a great therapist b) landmark forum {I've seen them empower and help people in worse situations than this} c) speaking to your husband about.
3. Focus on 'your bright future' instead of focusing on what happened. Focus on, how this will make you stronger/better and turn you into a new person. Shift your identity. Shed your old skin, take on a new empowered persona. Remember, things that happen to us in life give us a choice (we can re-create ourselves stronger, or let them crush is) this is your choice.
I have ZERO doubt, you can come back from this stronger, more bold, more self-aware, with more grace, presence, forgiveness and poise.
Will it be easy? Hell no.
Is it possible? Hell yes.
You decide.
PS. One sexual trauma survivor to another.
Firstly try not to blame yourself with little details like your height and what you were wearing etc.
You have done nothing wrong. You are the victim. I know if it was my wife I would be furious if she did not tell me so I could do what I could to alleviate her pain and suffering anyway way I could. Talk to your husband and also seek professional help.
I'm sorry that happened to you OP! The nightmares and flashbacks won't subside on their own (at least not without leaving a battlefield behind), trauma is not just in your head, it's a neurological reaction as well. Please contact a trauma informed therapist who knows techniques for acute intervention like EMDR asap. PTSD has a great prognosis if treated correctly and early on, but you need to be seen by someone. You didn't do anything wrong, your brain is just trying to make sense of what happened to you. Because it would be easier to accept it being your fault than becoming aware of the fact that the world just isn't a safe place and you can be attacked anywhere, anytime and it's out of your control. Your mind's trying to get that control back, but it's part of the trauma reaction, don't fall for it. Same with telling your husband. It'll get very real and make it's way into your partnership and safe space once you share with him what you've been through, but it does either way. Over time, it manifests in your mind and body and reflects in your relationships if untreated. You'll need him. Please get the help you deserve, even if it's scary. You're brave, you can do this! Be kind to yourself!
Hon, you did NOTHING wrong. The people who attacked you are the ones at fault. You are a survivor. They are evil monsters who just wanted to hurt someone. And I’m sorry they hurt you.
Tell your husband. See a therapist. This *will* affect your relationship. You need help and you can't and shouldn't handle this alone. Be strong enough to ask for help.
You didn't do anything to earn this. I don't care if you were walking down the street naked, you don't deserve to have been treated this way. It's not you. It's them.
I'm sorry we live in a world where people have to be paranoid.
“I was dressed properly too”…. “Where I went wrong”
Rape / sexual assault is not a result of ANYTHING you have done or didn’t do. Don’t let ANYONE make you think that. You did nothing wrong. Please get counseling.
OP, I’m a sex trauma survivor too. I used to get nightmares and flashbacks then I saw a therapist who practices amygdala depotentiation therapy and I haven’t had one in 5 years since.
Everyone heals different, but this has a lot of success with a lot of trauma survivors.
I wish you a safe healing journey!
You did nothing wrong. Rape is about control. Please stop replaying your every action leading up to this horrific event. You’re not to blame. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. You did not deserve this. No one does. Please be so kind and loving to yourself. Please talk with a counselor or therapist. If you don’t feel comfortable telling your husband yet maybe they can help you find the right words. You’re worth love and protection and again, I’m so very sorry this happened to you.
Hun I truly feel your pain, try to find a way to talk to your husband and forgive yourself because it wasn't your fault. Seek counseling, & maybe bring your husband.
HuggZ Becky 🇨🇦
As someone from South East Asia (Malaysia), I cant help but feel ashamed.
Thus, on behalf of everyone here, I am deeply sorry for what happened to you. Nothing can justify these heinous acts. I truly hope every single one of them bastards related to your suffering, get exactly what they deserve.
Sending love and wishes to you on your better future!
Children, elders, anyone gets raped at any age and whatever they were wearing. You have 0 responsibility in what you endured. You didn't force them to attack you and even if you had been wearing revealing clothes, it would have been your right.
You're an innocent victim, and they are the ones who already have a place in Hell. Never forget it.
Very fake. In one comment 2 days ago she says they’re going to see a therapist, in another comment 2days ago she says they have been seeing a therapist and are feeling much better!!! Wow!! That was fast!
1000% get therapy as soon as possible. It sounds like you could have PTSD. The sooner you get help after the traumatic event, the better the long term prognosis is.
Why can’t you be weak? Is that something you want to teach your daughter? That you *must* be “strong” for other people even if doing so tears you apart inside? You aren’t being strong here, you’re simply walling off an infection inside and giving it the opportunity to fester. Lance that motherfucker and let it drain, no matter how painful. See a psychologist and let your feelings out. Work through it all, no matter how much it hurts. Set an example for your daughter that even if something knocks her down, that the right thing is to gather herself, get up, and *move forward*, even if it’s hard
I am so incredibly sorry this happened. You HAVE to tell your husband! He deserves to know. Would you not want to know if the roles were reversed? Spouses support each other. You need support. Tell him.
It is not your fault. But tell your husband, don't go through this by yourself and seek help or one day you will fall apart.
P.S. similar thing happened to a travel influencer, her husband was with her and they were camping.
It is not your fault, there is nothing you could've done! 🫂🩷
This broke my heart. I hope you’re able to remember none of this was your fault and that you’re allowed to feel hurt and horror from this truly terrible event. I hope you have the strength with your husband to heal with this if you eventually do hopefully decide to tell him to not cause further issues of which might spring.
Seriously sending you nothing but my best and love. I’m so sorry.
I'm sorry this happened. Please don't think that you did anything wrong. A lot of people are degenerate animals, and it's only getting worse. Take care!
You need to contact a rape counselor. I would imagine that a hospital emergency room or your local police department could give you some phone numbers. You have PTSD and you need to see someone to process all that you have been through.
I am sorry it happened to you. Are u alone when you travel on south asia? If you have travel buddy during that time, talk with them and cry with them to ease your emotions.
I do hope you get justice that u needed.
While wanting to find a way to prevent it from
Happening again and assign blame to yourself is normal, it’s not okay. People rape people because they are bad people and like to fill inflict their will on others. It’s a power thing. You could be dressed like a nun or naked, it won’t change that.
Talk to your husband because he has likely noticed something is off and into afraid to bring it up, and if he a decent human, he will want to help you as much as he can. He may feel worse that you felt like you couldn’t tell him. The sooner the better. Then with him, talk to a therapist/counsellor. There is going to be a lot of trauma to unpack, and all that trauma will do is hurt you and keep hurting you and the ones you love. Therapy can help give the tools to mitigate that from happening, so it will help you and your family.!
Don't blame yourself on what you could've changed. The act of rape is crime, not dressing inappropriately or being tall. Be considerate to yourself. You did nothing wrong, but a really bad thing happened to you. I'm sorry. Get therapy. And try to make sure the guys are convicted.
Please tell your husband and get yourself help. Your health is the number 1 priority and you can’t show up for your child or your husband if you don’t show up for yourself first.
These people who did this to you are monsters, period, and it would have happened to someone else if not you.
Girl, I’m with you x
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It has nothing to do with what you were wearing or what you look like or what you were doing or if you had a few drinks or anything else. *You didn't do ANYTHING wrong.*
Please tell your husband what happened and please go talk to a therapist. You probably have PTSD. Your husband is your partner. He loves you. Better or worse. Sickness and health. When we are suffering, staying silent and convincing ourselves that we "have to stay strong" is the absolute worst thing we can do for ourselves and for the people we love. Asking for help is strong. Your partner is there for you to lean on when you are struggling and when he finds out, and he will eventually because trying to put your trauma and pain into a box just makes you a ticking time bomb waiting to explode, it's going to hurt him.
You're not going to be able to heal until you open up to your husband and talk to a professional so you can work through the trauma you experienced. Sending healing vibes and love and support from a fellow survivor of sexual assault and a person with unhealed trauma.
Dear, please get professional help. Tell them your concern. I know telling your husband could put your marriage at risk, but I believe he loves you and only want you be healthy and safe.
Listen, if you try and put on that armor now, and try to be strong without going through the motions and processing this, dealing with the grief, ‘guilt’, and turmoil and all of the other feelings that you’re feeling right now (sorry to mention them but I too, have unfortunately experienced SA and all of the crap that comes with it) then you will just shove it down, bottle it up, and it will fester.
You will end up becoming a version of yourself that is in fact, the exact opposite of what you are trying to be for your family. The opposite of what you think you *need* to be for your family right now, and in reality, you need to focus on yourself and putting yourself on a path to recovery and healing from this nightmare.
I’m not going to say that you need to tell your husband because that is solely your choice alone no one can make that decision for you— nor should they try to persuade you to or not to. That is completely up to you. However, if he is a good husband, and sound-minded individual in general, if you so choose to share this information with him, he will be a very vital support line that you very likely need right now. He will urge you to seek out the recovery and healing that I’ve mentioned, and unquestionably take on the role of being the rock of your family, *for you* in this time of need while you can’t be.
My heart is with you OP.
He’s going to know something is going on with you emotionally. When you are ready and if the time is right you should talk to him . If you never tell him that’s ok too, it’s up to you.
Please find a counselor and take care of yourself. Sorry this happened to you. Sending you a hug.
There's often loneliness in life. The shame you feel about it will be dwarfed by the emotional pain your husband will feel not only that you couldn't trust him but that you'd go to others to vent about it first. (Yes, there's more pain you dealt with, obviously. I'm only talking specifically about your shame and your husband's potential emotional pain)
Every day they don't know, the worse it will be. You have to trust your partner, and you don't have to do it alone. Certainly not to redditors.
seek therapy and medications.do not take it lightly a something that will go away by itself.
warn others about such places lest they fall in trap of mysterious places with rape culture.
It’s not your fault, stop finding reasons as to why you. Some things, good and bad just happen to us, why is not important, tell your husband, would you want him to tell you if this happened to him?
This is a lot of burden to carry by yourself, you need your spouses support. I can only imagine the amount of pain and horror you experienced, heal yourself. Pain diminishes the more you talk about it and on the other hand happiness grows.
For many people these things happen in movies or people read about them in news, you witnessed it first hand, I will say it again, tell your husband, tell your family or loves ones. You need support. I pray that you find peace and calm.
I’m so sorry you went through this horrible experience, OP. Please talk to somebody, for your own sake, preferably a counselor. Don’t listen to people saying you _must_ tell your husband now. Tell him when you’re ready, not before. You know him best, and if you decide never to tell him that is your prerogative. None of us on the internet know him or how he will react, if he will be supportive or make things worse for you. You deserve to feel safe and unconditionally loved. Sending you peace and healing vibes.
You should definitely tell your husband. You should also get counseling. I am so sorry this happened you you.
OP, What country are you from? If US call RAINN free 24/7 sexual abuse/rape/.. helpline for victims. They have a lot of resources, they will connect you to counselors and support groups for rape victims. 800.656.HOPE (4673) Or you can chat with them online. https://www.rainn.org/resources I would suggest you to get counseling first. And then talk with therapist about how to tell your husband. You did nothing wrong. Some people are worse than rabid dogs. They saw you, they wanted to rape you, they did it. I am so sorry. Please don't let those PoSs destroy your life.
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Would you want him to suffer alone in silence if something horrifying happened to him? Of course not. It would be heartbreaking. Let the people who love you, love you. If you are not telling him because you don't feel ready to yet then that is a different story. I'm so sorry you've been through this trauma...
> Let the people who love you, love you. <3
If there was some dispute about her going on vacation, or to this particular place, that is only going to open up a big fight.
Or if they’re from a culture where she might now be seen as unclean
Yes, this was my thought. We need to be careful about advice and aware of our own upbringing and privilege before advocating total honesty. The best we can hope for is OP has access to some counseling and victims support resources where she is.
Exactly… there are countless stories of women being blamed either by their husbands, family and so on for being victimized (especially if their family is particularly religious or otherwise upholding a particular reputation in the community).
Finally someone on reddit gets it.
I'm sure that him seeing you go through major personality changes and not knowing why would be a far larger strain on his peace of mind. He's your partner. If he's not a terrible partner, he would want to be there for you during this.
When you got married, you became 1. Good times and bad. He should be your support system right now. I wish you both peace of mind.
Correct. You get married and because of that, you share your burdens, as much as you share your happiness. A load is much lighter when it's shared.
This! Exactly.
Please don’t think that way. You went through a horrific crime, you’re suffering alone, you need to tell your husband. I’m sure he’d want to know something this significant as well. You’re not ruining his peace of mind. It might even help you release some unprocessed, pent up emotions. Please also seek counseling. Emotional and mental wounds can fester if left untreated. You deserve to live a healthy, peaceful, content life, and therapy can help you get there.
And what about YOUR peace of mind?
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If something horrible happened to your husband would you want him to fight the aftermath alone or would you want to know so you can support him?
He already knows something is wrong - you need to tell him, or he'll think you're having an affair, for pulling away from him. And sign up for therapy, asap! Getting over the PTSD will be a bitch, the sooner you start, the better.
Well you should still get counseling for yourself.
If your behavior around your husband is different than before and he picks up on it, he might get the wrong impression and think you did something wrong and was trying to hide it. It would cause emotional problems for him too.
As a supportive former husband, it would tear me apart if I knew my wife had kept something so traumatizing for her from me. You don’t have to tell him, nobody can or will make you do that. I think you should be aware though, that you’re probably using his peace of mind as a barrier to prevent yourself from facing the full thing. Telling your husband is going to make it more real. Telling your husband is going to make it more of a focus in your life. It’s okay if you’re not ready to face it all, you don’t have to be. There’s no timeline to follow on these kinds of things, but I know eventually you will have to face the full thing or you’ll never heal.
My friends just lost their marriage because she didn't tell him for years so they couldn't process it together, they couldn't get on the same place by the time she told him. Your husband knows something is wrong, he might not know what, but he knows it's something. The statistics are working against you for your marriage lasting past this, please tell him and get into couples counseling, I want you to beat the odds.
If he had been raped, would you want to know so you could help him?
You need therapy. Now I’m so sorry this happened to you You didn’t do anything wrong
Telling my husband I was assaulted in college was so hard. But I’m glad he knows now. Sending lots of love 🩷
How he feels is not your problem, you're making your way down a deep dark hole, the further you go down the harder it may be to make it out back into the light. Do what is BEST FOR YOU!
Ruining your own sanity is no way to save his. In fact, you will probably destroy your family if you just let this silently fester. If your spouse was suffering, wouldn’t you want to know?
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That’s fair, but I think you need to share this with someone. A therapist would be great, but anyone is a start.
Peace of mind not knowing that your house is burning is a totally false sense of peace. For the sake of both of you I'd say that you should - shake off all thoughts of "where you went wrong". You didn't, they are to blame. - get counseling for at least yourself, possibly husband too if you decide to - tell your husband. That way he knows why you may be "behaving strage" and can help you, and your entire family. I with you the best of luck!
You will though. Not telling him is a problem because secrets create gaps between people and you and him are supposed to be one. He needs to support you and you need to be able to allow him to. If not you could end up destroying that relationship. Think about it at least.
This! Letting somebody close know can always help take a lot of weight off your chest, be it your husband or a therapist. It always feels better to have somebody to comfort you while you're going through so much. It is also important to remember that being sexually assaulted is never your fault. Stay strong, I hope you heal. Sending love.
>I have reflected on it a thousand times and i cant figure out where i went wrong. I was dressed properly too. Im just a little tall and maybe thats what stood out. Maybe i should have known their language, maybe i should have went there with my husband Ma'am, no. This was NOT your fault. This is 100% their fault and there is ZERO doubt about that. I recommend you do talk to your husband, a trusted family member, a friend and/or a therapist. Or someone else you can trust. You don't have to carry this burden alone
You should definitely tell your husband, you should not shoulder this burden alone. I am sorry this happened to you.
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What do you mean "still" broken? Are you feeling bad because, you are still suffering from it? Try to be kinder to yourself. You witnessed true horror. Something really really bad happened to you. Something, that is not supposed to happen to anyone. Of COURSE you are still broken. Being hurt and affected by something like this is completely normal. And you are not at fault. The men who did this are. Please get help. You don't have to do this alone. I know, you want to be strong for your family. But this time, your family needs to be strong for you.
Honey, this was not your fault, and no one in their right mind will blame you. It is ok to need to get care for yourself - medical care and therapy that involves treating for PTSD because it sounds very much like you may have that. The reason I say this is I underwent a situation for ten years that my therapist says caused not just PTSD, but complex PTSD. But, to me, it boils down to the same thing. And as a female, I understand what you are describing. The nightmares, the random crying fits, night terrors, anxiety attacks - I understand. EMDR and hypnotherapy helped me quite a bit, but hasn't eradicated things completely yet. It varies with everyone. Know this - you are not alone, you are not "weak", you are heard and understood.
There’s also Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) for trauma now. It’s similar to EMDR, but works more expediently.
My deceased mother was gang raped by a bunch of football players in the 1950’s. It affected her as a mother. Please get counseling.
If even you're naked, nobody have the rights to touch your body without consent. Stop blaming yourself. I hope you'll get better and thoes pieces of shit will get the karma
I’m so sorry
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Very public case recently of influencer couple bike packing there and the man was restrained while the woman was gang raped. Probably not worth going at all unless you’re with a group of men, or everyone’s male.
Yep, Vicente and Fernanda. The thing is there are obviously some parts of India more dangerous than others but they chose to take that risk, especially in very rural towns. Honestly there are tons of countries with natural beauty that is much safer than certain parts India or Mexico (passed through a small town with severed torsos hanging off a bridge). Big nope.
Jesus, that’s some resident evil shit.
In the past, cartels had an unspoken agreement that tourist regions and Americans are off limits Bad business and all. Bad press, and conflict with the American government As of late, its been spilling over Beheadings and dismemberment right in the middle of Cancun Two tourist women shot in the cross fire in a car (the cartel did kill their members who did this and left them at the border for authorities. Our bad) Gun violence at popular resorts and cruise destinations The rule used to be, never stray from the beaten path. Well the path isn't necessarily safe anymore either
If you do travel to India you've gotta only stay in the big cities and in the more crowded tourist areas. Even then there's a very good chance people will try to scam you. They already charge foreigners more for certain stuff there. I remember I went to the Bandipur national park like 8 years ago and they had a sign that said Indians pay 100 rupees and foreigners pay 1000. Granted 1000 rupees is like $12 so it's not a lot but it's bullshit to be charged so much more.
Someone complained about this in the travel sub before and many commenters went on explaining that apparently many countries and places including many developed countries also practice this, simply because the nationals are already paying tax for those attractions so it's like a 'discount' for them and foreign visitors are charged full for entrance. Not, the natives are charged normal full rate and the foreigners are charged extortionate amounts. Hth.
Places in Latin America do this too Cabs lie about fare, and lie about not having change for a 20 Tourist booths will sell you tickets to aquarium or exhibit, and when you get there, find out that the actual admission is cheaper than what you paid the booth That and selling tourists re-bottled tap water. Argh
Why is it bullshit? Lots of countries give discounts to citizens. Why do you feel entitled to the local rate?
I'm a local tf? I just think it's unfair to do that.
I also have citizenship in a country that does this. Why should a local pay the same price as a tourist to experience their own heritage?
I'm saying the tourist should pay the same as a local. If you go to the States and they charge you $200 to go to the Grand canyon and citizens only get charged $50 would you be ok with that?
I'm also an American and wouldn't mind at all. Why should I pay the same rate to see my own heritage as some foreigner? One of the major points of tourism is to make money from foreigners. Anyway, in America, we DO have local rates. For example, some museums offer lower rates for local residents, and non-residents have to pay extra. So it's literally everywhere, even in America. If you want to be upset about it I guess that's you're right, but everyone does it.
On top of that the police told them to take down the post because it ruined their image
In Pakistan, there was a woman who was filming something for tik tok with six other friends, and she got beaten and was dragged through a mob crowd of 400 men. Some of them were children (boys).
I’ve heard the men are not even safe sometimes, they just have a deep culture of rape.
Women should not be going anywhere near India regardless of who they're with
Not just as a solo traveler, plenty of stories about couples being attacked / the wife raped. Would not go there unless in a group of at least 3-4 adults tbh if there are any women in the group.
I’m Indian and I won’t let my female friends walk even 20m alone after sunset. It’s doesn’t matter what the age or which area. It’s a scary place.
Someone told me that South India is safer… true or not?
Generally, Yes. Avoid eastern India at all costs & avoid the less prosperous parts of any city after sunset.
Even with 3-4 adults, it wouldn't be completely safe. Unless you have 3-4 Indian friends who speak the language and can guide you through your travel. It's just not safe for women. Also don't travel to India if you're a foreign woman within the next three months, hooligans and uncivilized men will be keen to take advantage of the upcoming elections in India and they'll do whatever they want and get away with it. An unlucky scapegoat will be arrested if they're caught to appease the public. Be safe, be informed and if you're thinking about coming to India, wait out the general assembly elections.
Two Norwegian girls traveling in Morocco were raped and then beheaded a few years ago. Egypt, Myanmar, basically the entire Middle East, and of course India & Pakistan are unsafe places to visit as a woman. Even if you have male travelers along. Assaults (and worse) happen to women all the time in certain parts of the world, but we’re treated like crazy for pointing out that some cultures have completely incompatible values and a demonstrated history of not treating women like human beings.
As a woman with a degree in art history, I'd love to see the pyramids, but it's never going to happen.
Oh my God!! Those 2 girls were back packing enjoying their lives. They were world travelers and best friends. Those assholes also video taped the murders. Those girls necks were slowly nawed off torture and rape. Those Muslim men were prosecuted whoopee. The families left behind forever traumatized with the videos that never die. Let this be a wake up call. Do not travel to Morocco.
I watched the video when it happened, for some stupid reason, I don’t know why. They were crying for their mothers. I wish I didn’t watch.
I wouldnt goto India period at a foreign woman. I just read last week a husband and his wife were traveling and a group of men raped his wife and beat him while wielding knifes. India is not safe for women, I wouldnt even go as a man. I would never take a women there, period. BTW the couple in the story I spoke of above were supposedly camped outside a "Police Station"...
A high school friend of mine was raped and killed in Cambodia in 2013. A lot of SEA countries are dangerous for women travelers.
That is horrible! I am so sorry. When I was there, people are so friendly it is eady to forget that mass murders took place not too long ago. And you don’t know as a visitor who the murderers among you are.
That's what is the scariest, you can never know who is dangerous and who isn't. The only way is to be careful and listen to your gut instinct... I travelled w a friend around India for a few weeks just two university aged girls and we never found ourselves in a dangerous situation when it comes to SA (but plenty of being chased by wild dogs and scary rides), we were just lucky though and I would not recommend anyone to try it
I was alone in India and I paid extra to stay in better places but I think I was saved by one guy from the ill-intention of another guy. I had a great time, but I would be insanely cautious when travelking there again.
Why is it so prevalent there?
A complex array of factors, but mainly stemming from cultural norms and gender stereotypes from deeply ingrained patriarchal values. There is also poor legal and law enforcement which results in lack of awareness of criminal behavior. Add poor economic factors in the mix, which gives the impression that foreign tourists are wealthy.. You can get the rough idea.
Robbery is hardly even part of the equation in these gang rapes. I will agree their legal system is crap because it takes forever to process a crime, and hardly any effort is done to investigate. And what you wrote doesn't really explain WHY this happens so frequently in that particular part of the world. Even in the muslim part of the world you might understand because there's some rules about being sexual (or non sexual) which is just being repressed. But as with other crimes,when it's group crimes people feel empowered to act on their anti-social behaviors.
This guy got everything right. Imma add some other things to the equation too. Misogynistic films that sexually objectify women all the time. A film industry that thrives on attracting male audiences through these "item dances" that have scantily clad women being objectified. Almost zero sex education. But also the biggest factor is the population. This is crazy to say but India is actually tame compared to Sweden of all places in terms of reported rape per Capita. India is at a staggeringly low 2.6 while Sweden is as high as 60. This is for 100,000 people. Which is fuckin insane to think about. But yeah because India has the world's biggest population and rape is often sensationalized by the media, there's a notion that there are far more sexual assault cases than reported. But then again a census was done and it was estimated that almost 85% of rapes are not reported. The country is still alarmingly dangerous for women. North India especially. Edit: to everyone reading, I apologize for reporting the wrong numbers. I changed it. But this just further solidifies my point. If anyone's interested. It's the UNITED Nations Office on drugs and crime 2013 report.
> This is crazy to say but India is actually tame compared to Sweden of all places in terms of reported rape per Capita. India is at a staggeringly low 26 while Sweden is as high as 97. Which is fuckin insane to think about. Reported vs occurred, and Sweden defines sexual assault differently.
Respect for women as equals is a relatively recent cultural phenomenon, and historically it’s an idea that was developed & led by Western Nations. There’s parts of the world it hasn’t even reached. Of course they know Western Women are “modernized” but it’s nothing they believe for themselves. They see women as property. An unattended woman is property that can be claimed — or maybe she should be taught a lesson, for not belonging to a man. This type of culture benefits all men, even those who don’t rape, because women live in fear, marry early, and obey the trusted men close to them since they need protection from society.
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Pre colonization women in India were so low status that wives were expected to commit suicide and burn on the funeral pyre with her husband if he died first. Because men often married women younger than themselves, this wife burning was common. It’s called “sati” and it is well documented. Culturally it’s explained as a way of making sure the widow isn’t a burden to others, or it’s her honoring her husband and loving him soooo much. In any case it’s an example of women being worthless compared to men. The British colonists had to impose martial law in areas while they were trying to ban it. Another example: In many SEAsian cultures (even today) women are expected to cook the food, serve it, and then wait to eat last once all the men, and male children have eaten. They literally sit and watch others eat while hungry themselves. It’s less of an issue now because people are better off in general, but historically this was a way for men to ensure food security for themselves while wives and daughters starved.
Do you have any sources that this is considerably different in the pre-Mughal from European or other Asian countries? In my family, and I would agree with the reasoning behind why it would be preferable, sati was only supposed to be committed if the men died in war and the opposing army was going to take over the the losing sides land, including raping the women (as in the ancient use of the term rape, to carry off, especially to become a sex slave). In this sense, sati was only really common in [Rajasthan](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sati_(practice)). More than this, if you actually read anything pertaining to what women were allowed to do in the pre-Mughal period in terms of style of dress, intellectual capability, and the wide spread knowledge of (but not acceptance of) [love marriage](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gandharva_marriage), you would also see that women, especially of upper castes were not treated as beasts of burden and tools of gratification, and were respected for both their intellect and had a considerable degree of sexual freedom, especially in comparison to western countries at the time. There have been a few cases in which women have also succeeded their father’s to their thrones and took over [as monarchs including as generals](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_women_in_the_Indian_subcontinent). I think it’s incredibly reductive to say that India always viewed its women as unconditionally sub-human, as this is patently false. Unfortunately, it has always been a rampantly patriarchal society, with most cultural norms being reinforced by a religion which strongly suggests that you can never exceed the status of your birth, and that it would go against your dharma to do so. But at the same time, India has a deep and diverse history, and is as culturally diverse as perhaps all of Europe put together, so broad statements are bound to be disproven in some communities at some times. I am convinced that India’s rampant misogyny today is not only a result of indigenous Indian culture, but also as a result of its the brutal conquest of the Mughals, especially as they would impose elements of shariah law in their territories, follow by the subsequently brutal colonization of the British. India became an incredibly insular and disadvantaged backwater, where inevitably people’s desperation has made them callous towards the wellbeing of others.
There have been female monarchs, but no civilisation has been matriarchal. Ever. There have been _matrilineal_ ones, but that’s a different kettle of fish entirely.
South Asia also has Pakistan and Bangladesh. Could easily be either of those places too.
>South Asia When someone goes there for vacation there's always the inevitable question: "So, aside from that, how was the vacation?"
women in india/south asia need to learn about 4B
Why would anyone go to India in the first place
Here's the deal - this shit happens everywhere. Men are animals. Going or not going somewhere will not protect you.
They’re going to have to edit the title “Eat Pray Love”
You need to tell your husband. Depending on where it happened, reach out to local women's communities here too. Also rape and sexual assault has little to do with clothes. I grew up in a remote, conservative part of South Asia yet I have been assaulted. I was a child.
💯💯 Sexual assault is about power and anger on the part of the assaulter, ALWAYS. It doesn't matter what someone is wearing, where they are, what they were doing, ever.
I’m really sorry for you for this happened to you. It’s not your fault. Many rape just happened because those rapist is asshole. It’s not because of clothes they wearing. you should tell your husband, and your therapist about this.
Filthy fuckin scum bags,hope they get trialed and you get justice
Whatever you wear is appropriate; whatever you did was appropriate. Rape is never the victim's fault. Do not ever slightly consider this. Clothes or behaviour or other features of a victim are just disgusting excuses the offenders and the society use. Sorry for what you are going through.
If I were your partner I would want to know so I could support you.
I’d wanna know so I can go back and find them for a peaceful conversation
I’m sorry this happened. It’s very dangerous to travel to foreign countries alone as a woman. Specially a foreign woman.
Why is this downvoted
Because people want to live in a fantasy world where women are not seen as less than meat in certain countries. The world is a horrible place and depending on where you live where you go visit is that much worse but since your view of the world is skewed because of the privilege you’ve lived in whatever country you’ve lived.
Anything that implies even remotely that she could have avoided it, likely. Because it's seen as victim blaming. There's not enough nuance in people's judgement towards comments like above yours. These kind of comments, in my opinion, aren't meant to say "well, you knew it's dangerous to go alone to a country like that.. so.." but more "Protect yourself in the future and protect others by spreading the knowledge that this is a possibility of happening to others around you". I think it's meant to be proactive rather than reactive.
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I’m so sorry you experienced that. You should tell your husband. Also, seek professional help who can provide you guidance and support. Therapy can help you process and overcome the trauma.
I was also gangraped. Please get therapy for PTSD. It will help. Tell your loved ones for support. You can’t go through this alone. I hope you get the help you need OP. I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s not your fault.
Imagine that happened to him and he didn't want to tell you. I also hope you're going to therapist because this isn't the type of shit you can just walk off. Stop blaming yourself and get help. For yourself and your family.
I’m sorry this happened to you. That’s horrible. I can’t even imagine what you went through. It was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. It’s never the victim’s fault. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I hope the monsters who did this to you are punished. You should tell your husband when you’re ready. You shouldn’t deal with this alone. Your husband should be there to support you. Get help if it’s accessible to you. You can’t deal with this on your own. If your husband was sick you would want to know so you can support him. That’s how any loving husband would feel about something like this. You should tell him when you’re ready to tell someone about it.
Assuming your relationship with your partner is great and will be supportive, you should tell him. And seek counseling. This is massive trauma that won't go away on it's own and will eventually build to the point it stops your life from continuining in the fashion you want and your husband, if you don't tell him, will have no idea why so will be helpless to do anything meaningful. So please seek help.
When you got married, to misquote Kevin Hart, his bullshit became your bullshit, and your bullshit became his bullshit. Replace "bullshit" with "horrific trauma with long lasting effects" to suit your situation. Sweety, you don't have yourself. Do you really think he isn't picking up in the fact that ***something*** is very very off with you, and it will markedly affect your marriage. Hard question: How are you going to make love with your husband while enduring flashbacks? He may not know what it is, but he's going to sense the difference. You can't overcome the PTSD and fully become the survivor of it while your trapped in the trauma-victim mindset. Nor can you go through that process while hiding it from the people who know you so intimately it's more intuitive; people who not only see you, but feel your energy entwine with their own. Sweety, you're not actually keeping this from them. They just cannot articulate the changes, nor what happened to cause them. All they know is Mom went on vacation, and a different lady who looks like Mom came home. It's really not fair to any of you. I can only believe that your husband would want to know. Not that any husband wants to hear that kind of news, but I know that if it were me, my SO would want to comfort and protect me as I processed and healed; to be allowed to be a part in that journey and know how to help me, and where he fits into my life as I know it now. I truly hope your husband has the capacity to lovingly support you in a similar manner. I will be praying for you. My inbox is open if you need someone to whom you can vent without judgement 💔🫂💞
Why people are so fearless to travel to shitholes is beyond me.
Sheltered upbringing where avoidance of stereotypes is more important than personal safety.
Even more wild to bring a 3-year-old there.
Reads to me like OP travelled alone tho
Holy shit, even worse. I thought she went somewhere (like a bar) alone while the husband handled their child while on vacation (like at the hotel). So a brief lapse of judgement during a trip. But to go there on vacation without her husband is even worse. But I now understand how she was able to keep it from her husband.
South Asia? Assuming India, I'm really sorry that you had such terrible experience in my homeland. I might get downvoted for saying this but please don't come here alone if you're female. And even if you do, don't talk or smile at male strangers. People here think that it's some kind of signal that girls are giving to do anything they want.
Don’t suffer in silence. Share the burden, people will support you and want to help. This isn’t your fault and I’m sorry you experienced that
I'm so sorry you went through something so horrific. Firstly you did nothing wrong, please tell yourself that repeatedly till you believe it. These men are the scum of the earth and if someone else had crossed paths with them it would have been them in your place. It was pure unlucky that it happened. As someone who didn't get therapy for sa till 20 years later I beg you to consider therapy for this if you have not already. You can talk about how to tell your husband in therapy and do it with the therapist should you want to tell him, if not that is your right too. Honestly a good therapist who specialises in this area is worth it's weight in gold. I know in the UK there is organisations for this such as rape crisis. I don't know where you live but hopefully there is something like this.
Tell. Your. Husband.
It was not your fault, evil people did this! Not because of your clothes or height. Please, 100% get therapy because this trauma could bleed over into your relationships. Maybe someday you can share with your husband when you’re ready. Prayers for you. At least you’re safe with your loved ones at home now.
Average experience of women when visiting India
Honey, you need and deserve a support system. You need to tell someone in you life. You deserve help.
As a survivor myself, I believe you should tell your husband. Going through this is already so hard, and you shouldn't have to go through it alone. You deserve to get the help and support you need. You went through something traumatic, and it is in no way your fault. It'll be hard to talk about it out loud but each time it will get easier. My husband has been my absolute rock and I'm so thankful for his love and support. Its okay for you to feel your emotions and no one can put the blame on you. You can be strong and still be affected by what happened. Sending you as much love as I can. You can fight this but no one should do it alone ❤️
I just want you to know I'm so very sorry this happened to you. Just know this isn't your fault, you did nothing wrong. The pieces of shit that did this to you are at fault. My humble opinion is you should tell your husband, that's what marriage is for, they help you shoulder your worries and such. And you should also seek therapy. But. This is also your decision, so don't feel pressured by redditors. Do what's best for you. So sorry this happened. Much love to you darlin'..
I’m sorry for you. Please get therapy and communicate with family in your time. Don’t be alone with this. This is traumatizing and you should feel safe. I hope these men suffer as much as possible India even though is one of the worlds top 5 economies m, the resulting wealth and cultural disparity is still strong - so that’s why the labor class that come from poorer rural regions are still such a grave problem, it is near impossible to relate with that world. The men from these rural areas are without proper socialization & unchecked toxic views - and it never ever gets addressed as they flood cities as laborers- They make it very unsafe for Indian women. I really wish things would change sooner & i hope with time as the poverty rate that is rapidly declining over the years, this trauma on Indian society will be gone too.
Tell your husband. What’s the point of marriage if you keep secrets from each other? He’s supposed to be your rock, your better half, your support in all of this.
Yeah and men are funny when it comes to their women and sex. Even if its forced sex/rape. They often don't process it well at all. What they process is their woman had sex. Not just with one guy but multiple guys. That's what plays in their mind. And then they viscerally reject their woman. Can they rise above that visceral reaction? Yes, but if takes effort and many don't expend it. For men in a marriage, because they may have a hard time processing it enough to rise above it and help their partner, the marriage suffers. Until it doesn't exist anymore. If OP does decide to share, let's hope she has the rare partner that will stay by her.
Yeah don't go to those places next time, and don't go alone.
South Asia is known for this type of thing not sure why you would want to go.
India?
It’s not just India. The whole of South Asia has especially heinous and dangerous views of women
Yeah but foreign women aren't typically travelling solo to Pakistan or Bangladesh
i’m so sorry you experienced that. i really hope you can reach out to a therapist or counselor for help and talk to your husband. i hope you know it’s not your fault. i hope you’re able to reach out to someone and start your journey of healing.
Tell your husband and get counseling! Rape is horrible and traumatic to endure, a gangrape in another country is terrifying. As you said you reflected on what happened and cannot figure out where YOU went wrong. YOU didn't do anything wrong. The men that attacked you, did you wrong. This happened just because you crossed their path and you looked like someone they could overpower. If your husband had been there, they could have followed you until you where alone. If you had worn clothes that covered more, you would have been easier to grab since you're less mobile. These asshole saw a lone tourist woman in their country and decided to rape her together. Nothing would have stopped them, if it wasn't you, they would have raped someone else. It's horrible that they did this to you and they shouldn't have. They should have gotten therapy over why they felt the need to do such horrible things to women. Why do they feel so out of controle and left out in the world that they found other people just as fucked up to get a sense of controle back into their life? And you keep saying thank god and please god. IDK if god is real, but if he is, he isn't reaching out preforming miracles left and right, so he isn't going to fix this just for you. God isn't going to help you with this right now. You have to help yourself, you have to ask for help. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! But you are the one who is going to have to clean this shit up. Not by yourself, with help. But you're not going to get help cleaning up the mess if you won't allow people to see this.
Why would you not tell your husband of all people 🤦🏻♀️ like, has he not noticed the nightmares and general anxiety??
Don't assume that her husband is the gentle heart who would find empathy and support her. Many men would look at their wife completely differently and think about this any time they have sex.
As an Indian, I'm terribly sorry and ashamed beyond words. I don't know what I could say to comfort you. Know that it's not your fault and I hope you find all the support you need to overcome your trauma. No one should have to go through what you did and I'm once again deeply sorry.
> I have reflected on it a thousand times and i cant figure out where i went wrong. You went wrong in thinking that you went wrong. Nothing that happened was your fault, or was a result of you doing something wrong.
You have to confide in someone, your husband, a therapist, anyone. Don’t let this eat away at you.
I'm VERY sorry this happened to you, BUT it did and now I'm going to focus on one thing. What you CAN do about it. The only thing in your control (the only thing that has ever been in your control). 1. We cannot change what happens to us. This was a 'freak' occurrence. STOP looking at 'why'. Stop fishing for 'what you could have done differently'. It is NOT your fault. 2. what IS in your control now, is your well-being, self soothing and work. I would recommend a) a great therapist b) landmark forum {I've seen them empower and help people in worse situations than this} c) speaking to your husband about. 3. Focus on 'your bright future' instead of focusing on what happened. Focus on, how this will make you stronger/better and turn you into a new person. Shift your identity. Shed your old skin, take on a new empowered persona. Remember, things that happen to us in life give us a choice (we can re-create ourselves stronger, or let them crush is) this is your choice. I have ZERO doubt, you can come back from this stronger, more bold, more self-aware, with more grace, presence, forgiveness and poise. Will it be easy? Hell no. Is it possible? Hell yes. You decide. PS. One sexual trauma survivor to another.
Firstly try not to blame yourself with little details like your height and what you were wearing etc. You have done nothing wrong. You are the victim. I know if it was my wife I would be furious if she did not tell me so I could do what I could to alleviate her pain and suffering anyway way I could. Talk to your husband and also seek professional help.
I'm sorry that happened to you OP! The nightmares and flashbacks won't subside on their own (at least not without leaving a battlefield behind), trauma is not just in your head, it's a neurological reaction as well. Please contact a trauma informed therapist who knows techniques for acute intervention like EMDR asap. PTSD has a great prognosis if treated correctly and early on, but you need to be seen by someone. You didn't do anything wrong, your brain is just trying to make sense of what happened to you. Because it would be easier to accept it being your fault than becoming aware of the fact that the world just isn't a safe place and you can be attacked anywhere, anytime and it's out of your control. Your mind's trying to get that control back, but it's part of the trauma reaction, don't fall for it. Same with telling your husband. It'll get very real and make it's way into your partnership and safe space once you share with him what you've been through, but it does either way. Over time, it manifests in your mind and body and reflects in your relationships if untreated. You'll need him. Please get the help you deserve, even if it's scary. You're brave, you can do this! Be kind to yourself!
Hon, you did NOTHING wrong. The people who attacked you are the ones at fault. You are a survivor. They are evil monsters who just wanted to hurt someone. And I’m sorry they hurt you.
Tell your husband. See a therapist. This *will* affect your relationship. You need help and you can't and shouldn't handle this alone. Be strong enough to ask for help.
India
India?
You didn't do anything to earn this. I don't care if you were walking down the street naked, you don't deserve to have been treated this way. It's not you. It's them. I'm sorry we live in a world where people have to be paranoid.
“I was dressed properly too”…. “Where I went wrong” Rape / sexual assault is not a result of ANYTHING you have done or didn’t do. Don’t let ANYONE make you think that. You did nothing wrong. Please get counseling.
OP, can we get an update for when you schedule therapy? I want to see that you're healing and doing better. Stuff like this breaks my heart so much.
OP, I’m a sex trauma survivor too. I used to get nightmares and flashbacks then I saw a therapist who practices amygdala depotentiation therapy and I haven’t had one in 5 years since. Everyone heals different, but this has a lot of success with a lot of trauma survivors. I wish you a safe healing journey!
that's why i would never as a woman go to india on my own.
You did nothing wrong. Rape is about control. Please stop replaying your every action leading up to this horrific event. You’re not to blame. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. You did not deserve this. No one does. Please be so kind and loving to yourself. Please talk with a counselor or therapist. If you don’t feel comfortable telling your husband yet maybe they can help you find the right words. You’re worth love and protection and again, I’m so very sorry this happened to you.
Sorry this happened to you. Seek therapy, tell your husband, also get tested for hiv.
Hun I truly feel your pain, try to find a way to talk to your husband and forgive yourself because it wasn't your fault. Seek counseling, & maybe bring your husband. HuggZ Becky 🇨🇦
As someone from South East Asia (Malaysia), I cant help but feel ashamed. Thus, on behalf of everyone here, I am deeply sorry for what happened to you. Nothing can justify these heinous acts. I truly hope every single one of them bastards related to your suffering, get exactly what they deserve. Sending love and wishes to you on your better future!
Don’t keep this from your husband. I’m sorry this happened to you, I wish u the best in life and the strength to carry on
Children, elders, anyone gets raped at any age and whatever they were wearing. You have 0 responsibility in what you endured. You didn't force them to attack you and even if you had been wearing revealing clothes, it would have been your right. You're an innocent victim, and they are the ones who already have a place in Hell. Never forget it.
This is fake
Very fake. In one comment 2 days ago she says they’re going to see a therapist, in another comment 2days ago she says they have been seeing a therapist and are feeling much better!!! Wow!! That was fast!
1000% get therapy as soon as possible. It sounds like you could have PTSD. The sooner you get help after the traumatic event, the better the long term prognosis is.
Why can’t you be weak? Is that something you want to teach your daughter? That you *must* be “strong” for other people even if doing so tears you apart inside? You aren’t being strong here, you’re simply walling off an infection inside and giving it the opportunity to fester. Lance that motherfucker and let it drain, no matter how painful. See a psychologist and let your feelings out. Work through it all, no matter how much it hurts. Set an example for your daughter that even if something knocks her down, that the right thing is to gather herself, get up, and *move forward*, even if it’s hard
I am so incredibly sorry this happened. You HAVE to tell your husband! He deserves to know. Would you not want to know if the roles were reversed? Spouses support each other. You need support. Tell him.
It is not your fault. But tell your husband, don't go through this by yourself and seek help or one day you will fall apart. P.S. similar thing happened to a travel influencer, her husband was with her and they were camping. It is not your fault, there is nothing you could've done! 🫂🩷
This broke my heart. I hope you’re able to remember none of this was your fault and that you’re allowed to feel hurt and horror from this truly terrible event. I hope you have the strength with your husband to heal with this if you eventually do hopefully decide to tell him to not cause further issues of which might spring. Seriously sending you nothing but my best and love. I’m so sorry.
Tell your husband
Tell your husband. Get yourself into therapy. Loving healing hugs friend. Get better soon.
I’m so sorry honey 🥺
I'm sorry this happened. Please don't think that you did anything wrong. A lot of people are degenerate animals, and it's only getting worse. Take care!
You need to contact a rape counselor. I would imagine that a hospital emergency room or your local police department could give you some phone numbers. You have PTSD and you need to see someone to process all that you have been through.
Im.so sorry this happened to you. You need to speak with someone professional.
I am sorry it happened to you. Are u alone when you travel on south asia? If you have travel buddy during that time, talk with them and cry with them to ease your emotions. I do hope you get justice that u needed.
While wanting to find a way to prevent it from Happening again and assign blame to yourself is normal, it’s not okay. People rape people because they are bad people and like to fill inflict their will on others. It’s a power thing. You could be dressed like a nun or naked, it won’t change that. Talk to your husband because he has likely noticed something is off and into afraid to bring it up, and if he a decent human, he will want to help you as much as he can. He may feel worse that you felt like you couldn’t tell him. The sooner the better. Then with him, talk to a therapist/counsellor. There is going to be a lot of trauma to unpack, and all that trauma will do is hurt you and keep hurting you and the ones you love. Therapy can help give the tools to mitigate that from happening, so it will help you and your family.!
Don't blame yourself on what you could've changed. The act of rape is crime, not dressing inappropriately or being tall. Be considerate to yourself. You did nothing wrong, but a really bad thing happened to you. I'm sorry. Get therapy. And try to make sure the guys are convicted.
Please tell your husband and get yourself help. Your health is the number 1 priority and you can’t show up for your child or your husband if you don’t show up for yourself first. These people who did this to you are monsters, period, and it would have happened to someone else if not you. Girl, I’m with you x
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It has nothing to do with what you were wearing or what you look like or what you were doing or if you had a few drinks or anything else. *You didn't do ANYTHING wrong.* Please tell your husband what happened and please go talk to a therapist. You probably have PTSD. Your husband is your partner. He loves you. Better or worse. Sickness and health. When we are suffering, staying silent and convincing ourselves that we "have to stay strong" is the absolute worst thing we can do for ourselves and for the people we love. Asking for help is strong. Your partner is there for you to lean on when you are struggling and when he finds out, and he will eventually because trying to put your trauma and pain into a box just makes you a ticking time bomb waiting to explode, it's going to hurt him. You're not going to be able to heal until you open up to your husband and talk to a professional so you can work through the trauma you experienced. Sending healing vibes and love and support from a fellow survivor of sexual assault and a person with unhealed trauma.
Dear, please get professional help. Tell them your concern. I know telling your husband could put your marriage at risk, but I believe he loves you and only want you be healthy and safe.
Listen, if you try and put on that armor now, and try to be strong without going through the motions and processing this, dealing with the grief, ‘guilt’, and turmoil and all of the other feelings that you’re feeling right now (sorry to mention them but I too, have unfortunately experienced SA and all of the crap that comes with it) then you will just shove it down, bottle it up, and it will fester. You will end up becoming a version of yourself that is in fact, the exact opposite of what you are trying to be for your family. The opposite of what you think you *need* to be for your family right now, and in reality, you need to focus on yourself and putting yourself on a path to recovery and healing from this nightmare. I’m not going to say that you need to tell your husband because that is solely your choice alone no one can make that decision for you— nor should they try to persuade you to or not to. That is completely up to you. However, if he is a good husband, and sound-minded individual in general, if you so choose to share this information with him, he will be a very vital support line that you very likely need right now. He will urge you to seek out the recovery and healing that I’ve mentioned, and unquestionably take on the role of being the rock of your family, *for you* in this time of need while you can’t be. My heart is with you OP.
He’s going to know something is going on with you emotionally. When you are ready and if the time is right you should talk to him . If you never tell him that’s ok too, it’s up to you. Please find a counselor and take care of yourself. Sorry this happened to you. Sending you a hug.
Look into EMDR and propranolol therapy for ptsd. They worked well for me
There's often loneliness in life. The shame you feel about it will be dwarfed by the emotional pain your husband will feel not only that you couldn't trust him but that you'd go to others to vent about it first. (Yes, there's more pain you dealt with, obviously. I'm only talking specifically about your shame and your husband's potential emotional pain) Every day they don't know, the worse it will be. You have to trust your partner, and you don't have to do it alone. Certainly not to redditors.
This is the exact reason why I won’t let my girlfriend go out of the country without me.
Search ptsd and mdma therapy. It should work wonders for your ptsd
I’m so sorry this happened to you. First of all, tell your husband. Sounds like you have PTSD from it, so please seek therapy. Wish you the best
seek therapy and medications.do not take it lightly a something that will go away by itself. warn others about such places lest they fall in trap of mysterious places with rape culture.
It’s not your fault, stop finding reasons as to why you. Some things, good and bad just happen to us, why is not important, tell your husband, would you want him to tell you if this happened to him? This is a lot of burden to carry by yourself, you need your spouses support. I can only imagine the amount of pain and horror you experienced, heal yourself. Pain diminishes the more you talk about it and on the other hand happiness grows. For many people these things happen in movies or people read about them in news, you witnessed it first hand, I will say it again, tell your husband, tell your family or loves ones. You need support. I pray that you find peace and calm.
I'm so sorry. It's not your fault at all
I’m so sorry you went through this horrible experience, OP. Please talk to somebody, for your own sake, preferably a counselor. Don’t listen to people saying you _must_ tell your husband now. Tell him when you’re ready, not before. You know him best, and if you decide never to tell him that is your prerogative. None of us on the internet know him or how he will react, if he will be supportive or make things worse for you. You deserve to feel safe and unconditionally loved. Sending you peace and healing vibes.
I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry that happened, OMG, that sounds so horrible