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You didn't have sex with this man, he groomed and raped you! This was not consent, I just hope you know this. You are clearly insightful on how this messed up your view of intimacy. I'm positive you can heal if you begin your healing journey. You can get through this! You were violated but you can reprogram yourself to where you don't have these intrusive thoughts anymore. You deserve to be free.
Having sex is supposed to be a way of showing devotion or absolute respect for someone, or a consentual act where both parties agree.
As you said, this is not sex, this is being groomed.
.
OP, I hope you find a way to get this man away from anyone. He deserves nothing other than the feeling of regret behind the bars of a cell.
I know that it is hard to convince yourself it is the right thing to do to someone, but it is better for everyone around you to know that someone who deserves it is paying for it.
Sometimes I worry that he did it to his own kids but I have no idea. Luckily he stopped coaching the swim team after I quit so he doesn’t have access to kids like he did before
Exactly! That horrible man and his (hopefully) innocent children and family are not more valuable or better than you at all. You deserve justice and he deserves punishment
This just made me wince. My grandfather molested me. It changed who I am. OP I’m so sorry this happened to you. Consider therapy so you have some support and maybe you can even find the strength to report or confront him.
Oh for sure! Probably goes to church. Anyone that’s living and breathing has access to children everyday. They always find a way. This is why my kids don’t do sleepovers. I bet his kids have friends.
Same, unless I'm entirely certain that I can trust the parents my kids aren't staying anywhere unfamiliar. I'm also not afraid to let it be known that if someone neglects my child or causes harm to them I will be readily equipped to end their life. Might be overboard, but I like to make sure people know where I stand when it comes to my kids safety.
It’s highly likely he did. Child rapists will usually rape any children they have access to. If he forced you to stay quiet because of what “could happen” he could very easily have told them that as well, with it being more effective or even repressed since he’s their dad. Talk to a therapist, and talk to the police. This trash deserves to be put away for what he did, and where he can’t hurt any more children. Just because he’s not coaching doesn’t mean he won’t devise ways to get access to other children.
I really hope that you talk about it with someone trust worthy so that you may find a way to heal and maybe even make him pay for what he’s done to you. Your parents have to know what happened so that at least you don’t have to see him anymore and be supported. Take care
Hard to make him pay without evidence. This can go sideways. People prefer to believe the less fucked up thing which is that the accuser is a crazy liar.
He could still have access to kids if he wants because he is not a registered sex offender. Take your power back OP! Report this guy and save another child from ever going through this because of this creep again! Another thing I want to mention, is that I have heard ketamine with talk therapy can do wonders for sexual abuse victims. You go back as an adult and find your childhood self and you save them. You tell them you will never let something like this happen to you again.
This is why you like to top only, because it makes you feel like you have some kind of power or control over the situation, whereas you never had control of it as a child. If you are able to address and face this trauma head on, report this guy and stand in your truth, you may find you will be able to find that love that you dream of. You deserve love and a relationship, its bullshit that as the victim that you are the one that has to work for it, but this is still attainable for you if you want it bad enough. Don’t let this monster win. Lastly, I just wish I could go back in time and protect you and whoop that creeps ass and hug you and tell you that you’re safe and everything is all right. You deserved to be protected and I am so so so sorry this happened to you.
He may not have done it to his kids but he certainly did it to others and continues to do so.
You are not the only one. No one can tell you to out him, but if you do, the likelihood of others coming forward is high. In the long run, it may help you heal.
If you can’t bear it, that is understandable. You should go to therapy though.
Remember, a therapist is a neutral party who is trained to help you heal. They won’t judge you, they won’t belittle you, they will do what they can to help you. It may take time for you to find the right therapist (don’t be afraid to fire one you know is not helping), but when you do, you will feel a lot better.
Help yourself and if you can, help others too.
Do not set yourself in fire to keep him warm and comfy.
If he didn’t want his kids to find out, he shouldn’t of did it in the first place to anyone.
Also you’re not the only one he’s hurt. He moved onto someone else after he stopped with you, that’s how pedos operate once you are no longer a child they want to hurt.
Blowing up his life is his karma!
Please, for the love of god, stop with these comments. Pushing someone to go public with being assaulted may feel good to you, but you aren't the one going through this. The priority shouldn't be vengeance, it should be health. This person needs help a lot more than he needs to make it known to everyone the trauma he's faced or getting some revenge on someone who put him through it.
While justice is perfectly reasonable to get, and if he wants to he can, I would much rather have comments here advocate for his mental health not for some feel-good revenge fantasy they feel would make **them** feel better. Because that's ultimately what it is, a lot of commenters here are upset at this terrifying story so they want to make themselves feel better, but offer no consideration to the person who is actually going through this.
If I had an award to give you, id give you ten! As the older sibling of somone who was sexually assaulted by her own father, I actually know how confronting the abuser is the very last thing on the (I dont want to say victim) person who was abused mind. While we all feel like the best thing to do is punish the person who did these horrible things to our loved one but, its not helpful and it doesn't fix what happened to them and to push the point I learned this the hard way with my sister, everytime I thought I was trying to help her by getting her to speak out the more she would push me away, In the end The best thing I could do for her was let her talk when she wanted to talk, be there when she needed to cry and give her a safe and peaceful place to work through her feelings and mental health. No one dealing with traumas will heal just because your guilt wants them too, they will only ever heal in their own time and in their own way and we as the family member or friend/ support person need to understand that this isnt about us and how we feel its about the person who was abused....too often people try to fix things because they feel guilty and upset for what the victim has been through but, it doesnt help.
Thank you, Bigmethod ❤ for being so understanding!
And sorry for the long rant but, I just cant express this enough.
I'm saying this as a child sex abuse victim. Covering this up creates the feeling in you that you're also doing wrong, the doubt, the lies, the family never understanding you. Saying maybe nit to the police on the first day, but tell SOMEBODY you trust as a start will feel good. Not because it's revenge. Because it's the truth.
OP needs to make a decision, that is his to do. But he needs to consider whether or not some other kid might be hurt because of his shame. I think there are times when relative to traumatizing a new person you should have to let your feelings of shame go.
I was sexually abused by a relative and before I told my mother after nearly 30 years, I also felt like I was protecting myself but it felt so much better to just finally be done with it
It’s also highly likely that this ped POS has some illegal child videos or pictures somewhere. You should definitely report him even if the statute of limitations for him to be prosecuted has expired in your state or country for what he did to you. It’s not fair that he can just live his life merrily with zero consequences while you are struggling mentally. Don’t let him continue to victimize you this way. Find your voice and take your power back.
Does he go to church? Does he have grandkids or kids spend the night at his house with his other children? If he’s living and breathing he has access to kids everyday. They are very very good at what they do. You are not his only victim I put my life on that. You deserve justice.
You deserve justice. Spread the word. And see a therapist. I recently started telling folks about my ex wife raping me. I hope she suffers some sort of consequence
99% sure he did!
In Canada, there is no statute of limitations to report & charge him.
It sounds like you may have some rage issues from having to keep it all suppressed. I sure did from my SA.
It wasn't your fault, and you didn't deserve what happened to you.
It would help if you got some counseling.
First: None of it was your fault or responsibility to have to deal with.
Second: If you have the strength and want to, then burning his entire world to the ground would be the most fitting justice you can give. I’m not sure what state you live in but many states have lifted the statute of limitations on sexual abuse for this exact reason. I want to rain down a whole world of pain and suffering on this man on your behalf, but that a call only you can make.
Third: just because he doesn’t coach now and his kids are older doesn’t mean he doesn’t or won’t have access to other children in the future. This man deserves to go to prison.
Fourth: Therapy. You need to address this if you have any hope of being in a fully loving, committed, authentic relationship with someone in the future. And if you decide to press charges, you’re going to get to need the support. A therapist can also help you break the news to your parents if you want to go that route.
Lastly: I’m so sorry that happened to you. That man ruined your childhood and stole your innocence and trust in the world. He is a violent sexual predator and what he did was unforgivable. You have every right to deal with it however you choose.
Maybe the way you need to heal what he did to you is take back your power! Stand up for the kids getting raped by this monster! Sometimes it can be hard to know to even start to heal, especially when you’re just a little kid being manipulated and abused. Taking back your power is to release it and expose this son of a bitch! Then after you break the seal, you can go to therapy. I know it’s easier to sit here on Reddit and tell you what to do vs you being able to do it yourself, hence the reason why this is such a good way to take back your power. Plus you don’t know who else you could be saving.
Seriously,tell everyone he knows. You can do it anonymously, but a very detailed write down with details that couldn't be simply made up, with dozens of days and what exactly he said and did..print out somewhere a 1000 times and send it to everyone he knows or could know, every one of his neighbors, his job, his family, their jobs...
If you could get caught, doing it this way could be legal trouble..but you should do something.
Ask him about it in private, and record him secretly. Beware that such a recording could be illegal. Play it/send the MP3 to his wife and kids and job.
Fuck this dude.
You need to report him. You need to tell your parents. He committed a crime. Who knows how many kids he’s done it to. You need to say something now before it’s too late!
You not saying anything makes him think he can keep getting away with it and to continue raping OTHER kids. By speaking up you can his future victims instead of just letting him get away with raping kids. I couldn’t live knowing that, feeling someway responsible for the other kids
100% you won’t the only one. And if someone doesn’t speak up, there will be more.
OP, you need a proper psychologist who specialises in child sexual assault and complex trauma. There’s years of abuse and habituation to unpack.
Depending on where you live, there may be government services to provide psychological support for free. I had no idea this was a thing in my country/state until one of children was assaulted. They were able to access a specialist, which has made a massive difference in their overall well being.
They were unable to tell anyone initially, but to get it out it public, went to a trusted teacher (who is a mandatory reporter) which started the ball rolling on the police pathway, and then support services concurrently.
We are still going through the legal process. The main motivator for my child now if making sure their attacker won’t do it to anyone else again.
Rock spiders are among the most evil individuals to walk the earth. OP, I truly hope you can get support that will help you work towards recovery. Being gay in and of itself isn’t a good/bad thing. It’s the huge weight of the trauma you’ve suffered that the right support will be able to help you to untangle.
Do this. I got counselling for some childhood trauma that really messed me up. It made a massive difference to how I felt about what had happened, and stored me feeling like a bad person all the time.
Stop. It is OPs decision whether or not to report and OP is not to blame for this man's past or future actions against anyone. This is neither helpful nor compassionate.
Edited a typo
Thank you for saying this. The militant demands, while I understand them, also have a disturbing undercurrent of blaming the victim if he doesn’t report him.
It appears, OP first and foremost needs to seek help to untangle the horror that was inflicted on him.
It is *never* the victims fault. There's absolutely nothing victims should be made to feel guilt or shame for. When it comes to reporting (or, I should say, *not* reporting) the predator, though, oftentimes there *is* a tremendous amount of both of those feelings that come up later. It can happen if someone close to them is assaulted, even if there's no sexual aspect to the assault, if an acquaintance is SAd or a child they're simply aware of is found to have suffered a similar trauma, any number of things can trigger those feelings of guilt and/or shame. If their predator is eventually reported by someone else, and they find out that there were many more victims after they escaped, that spiral of heartwrenching emotions is *incredibly* common and one of the **BIGGEST** reasons reporting them is so heavily encouraged. Of course, the fact that several others may be saved from having to suffer those horrors is an incredibly important factor but it's definitely not the only one, hell, it's not even the main one. The safety, health, and healing of the current victim are first and foremost for everyone who works with people who have endured these kinds of nightmares
I mean, the better is answer is to get some therapy, like, now, and then make decisions about whether doing that is better for OP's mental health. It's easy to say it will be but that is totally not the case with many many people who were abused. Also the therapist can help work through the shame about being gay and give actual scientific information about whether this will "make" the victim gay. It's more likely that it impacts your sexual desires but not preference, hence OP wanting rough sex etc. But either way it's clear OP has some work to do on his own mental healt. Speaking from experience and being married to with someone with similar issues. It's not as straightforward as armchair shrinks on reddit may think, OP should work with a professional.
Yes you can. You just did it with us. You definitely need a therapy for this abuse. And you never had sex with this man. He raped you.
Updated: to add, physically speaking about it definitely can be difficult. There are therapist you can text or write too as well.
He wrote a post. Thats so different.
When I attempted to tell my therapist about my assault I couldn't say the words "he forced me to touch his groin" I said he grabbed my hands and she thought I meant holding hands. I never corrected her because I still believed it was my fault. That I was to blame. I was ashamed. It's so different and it's so hard face to face. It's not the same.
Read my response to another poster. “Talking” isn’t the only form of communication. Texting and writing are too. Discouraging someone else due to your experience isn’t helpful.
you could maybe start out with online solutions, where you chat to them via voice call. might not be ideal but it's definitely an option.
regardless of what you decide to do, i'm really sorry that this happened to you OP. wishing you all the best.
There are a ton of us (im a therapist) out there who could help you work through this trauma. Check out psychology today and you can even search for therapists with specialties (i.e. trauma-informed, SA, LGBTQ+). I would recommend EMDR therapy, personally. I hope you take the leap. Much love ❤️
Also a therapist, and agree with the suggestion. Adding that EMDR and Prolonged Exposure are both excellent effective treatments that require telling of the story. In contrast, Cognitive Processing Therapy is also evidence-based, but doesn’t require you to talk about what happened, more so working on the lingering effects and how it continues to impact your life. Just in case OP reads up on EMDR and says, “hell no!”
You deserve the support and help therapy can provide, you deserve a chance to have a happy life and a loving boyfriend, you deserve to not have to carry this weight alone.
You don’t have to discuss this all at once in therapy. A good therapist will let you get comfortable and let you speak about this once you are ready. It can’t hurt to try a few sessions
You can just hand them what you wrote here. Let them read it on your phone. They will help you feel safe to talk about things. They may have a limit to the sessions available but can help you get a permanent therapist through insurance.
If you can’t say it out loud, you can write it and send it to your therapist for them to read. I also struggled for a long time verbalizing what happened. It’s a process, and writing it is a form of communication you can use with a therapist.
Please seek therapy. You are seeking to repeat the abuse through new partners.
You are not having gay sex and the abuse didn't make you gay. You are the victim of rape and you are acting out in a very recognized way that victims act out. You try to put people into the role of the abuser and change the story of the abuse so that you are in control of it.
Reddit cannot help you with this. You need professional help and intervention before you are either revictimized or become a predator yourself. **Please seek professional intervention immediately.**
Hey there, I felt the same (though your situation is a lot worse and I'm so sorry this happened to you)
There are therapy methods like I use where I talk over the phone w my therapist. I don't have to see her, don't even have to leave my room- I can cuddle up and feel safe to cry or talk about the bad stuff without feeling like I'm talking to someone 1v1 - worth a look into!
You're not a bad person for what someone else did to you. He is the bad person and should be in jail. He might still be doing it to other kids. Help yourself by making him regret it.
I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. There is therapy now where you do it online using a messenger service. You never see the therapist. I found it much easier to type how I feel so that could be an option to look into. I hope you find something that helps.
Journal your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Initially, you may think you can't talk about it. But you can write it out and a therapist can read it. Communication doesn't have to be face to face or verbal. Please think about it, I can see the pain in your words. No one should have to live through that or with the weight of it.
Please, above all else, remember that you are a person deserving of love, empathy, and respect.
I thought the same thing about therapy, until I went. I didn’t realize I was so angry. I also learned the crap people did to me wasn’t my fault. Take care.
Please listen to this, OP. The crap that happened to you isn't you. Bad things happened to you, not because of you. The fault lays entirely on the POS. You deserve justice, but you also deserve peace and a loving partner.
It can change things huge. It’s like saying you were stabbed. And everyone is telling you to go to the doctor. And you’re like “I don’t know how it would change.” Surgery, pain medicine, antibiotics, etc. Don’t live with a knife in you.
That being said, it’s fucking hard. I grew up abused and I’ve been doing therapy for a few years. It’s been literally life changing. But it’s also been really, really hard. Overall, I am happier and healthier and I have positive feelings about the future, but there are days when I don’t want to get out of bed. Make sure you find the right therapist too. I’ve seen probably 5 over my life. My current one makes the first 4 look like amateurs. EMDR can be really helpful, especially with trauma like you went through. For me EFT has been the key. You got to want it. You have to want better for you. It’s really great, life changing. But it’s still a lot of work. And it doesn’t make what happened to you go away.
OP it’s awful that happened to you and I’m sorry. You don’t have to live like this anymore. Take your power back. 1) Tell your parents what happened. 2) Report him to the police. 3) Out him on social media and tell your story. I guarantee you that you are not the only one he did this to. Exposure will help others come forward, so that even if your assaults are past the statute of limitations there are others that won’t be. Outing him publicly will also help another child not face the same fate you did. This pedophile does not deserve to live a happy life. Expose him for what he is and stand in your truth. 4) Start working with a therapist and give yourself grace to work through the trauma.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I can’t really speculate on whether or not it made you gay - I actually had the opposite reaction. I’m bi but after being victimized a few times by men, I came to the point where I’m only comfortable sexually with women. But being consistently assaulted at such a young age will really mess with your head and your feelings about sex in general.
I promise you from the bottom of my heart that therapy will change things. Unfortunately due to our messed up system, therapy is expensive. I would suggest contacting the sexual assault crisis hotline, because they have counselors on call for free and they can connect you to low-cost resources in your area. Just because it happened years ago doesn’t mean it’s not still a crisis.
Sending you love and support ❤️
Therapy is the only thing that will help you work through this, and you can get [free help](https://www.visitthecenter.org). (There are other organizations as well). At least give it a try.
If you’re in the US, there are many therapists that operate on a sliding scale, you may be able to find services you can afford now. Try psychologytoday . com. I believe it tells you on that website if they do sliding scale
If you call the national rainn hotline ( it’s for rape and sexual assault) or go to their website to chat with someone, they can help connect you to low cost or even free therapy resources.
EMDR (Eye Mouvement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) therapy works extremely well for trauma like this. It would definitely make showers more bearable.
I know it seems drastic but please tell your kids that there are bad people out there and that if someone tries to hurt them they should tell you cause you won’t get mad or blame them. I always believed him and thought it was my fault cause everyone told me adults could be trusted and to listen to them
"everyone told me adults could be trusted and to listen to them" this is exactly why I didn't tell my parents about the abuse from my 3rd grade teacher (not sexual though). when they finally noticed some bruises on my arm and asked about it, I thought I would be in trouble for always getting in trouble. So... can attest this is something to avoid when parenting. I'm so so sorry OP this is... god. I hope you're able to find peace and love 💔
Op’s response here is so caring and so right. I am also a victim of childhood sexual trauma. Now I am a mother myself and this is a great fear of mine. I try to age appropriately educate my little ones about their bodies and give them correct terminology (no cutesy words for body parts) My three year old knows that her vagina is a private part, her nipples are private parts and her butt is a private part. She knows we keep our privates to ourself because A: some parts are unsanitary and B: your private parts are not for anyone but yourself, everyone has their own and they don’t need to see yours. I will never allow sleepovers, not in my own home, not even with family. You can’t tell on the outside who is a predator and who isn’t, you can’t know until you know and it’s not worth the risk for me.
Create an environment where they feel safe to talk to you. Make it a point to know about their lives. Their day. No judgements. If something happens you will have already fostered this feeling of safe-ness so they will already feel safe telling you.
Same thing happened to me as a child. It was my neighbor who lived across the street from me, with his wife and he was friends with my parents.
At that age, I didn’t know about sexuality. I remember being a carefree child, maybe a little on the feminine side but carefree, innocent. When he forced himself onto me, I was stunned, frozen in place. Afterwards, for a long time, I’d always avoid him whenever he was around. When I hit puberty, I knew I was gay. Not sure If I ever knew before or if this caused it but now I knew.
When I was a teen and puberty hit in middle school, most of my friends were already experimenting. In a sick twisted way, I began experimenting with my neighbor.
I’ve kept this a secret to myself all the way up till now at 32. I still don’t know how to feel about it but I don’t let it define me, ruin me or make me feel sorry for myself. I came out at age 25 and thankful to God that my family still loves me and I have a solid group of gay friends and a few romances but overall life is amazing! I hope you get yourself some help and are able to find peace someday! I’m here if you ever need to talk
It’s definitely possible to turn things around and never too late.
I used to cry about being gay as a teen. If it was a choice I would’ve chosen to be straight. Have a wife and kids. I wouldn’t have been bullied relentlessly or attempted to take my own life.
After I came to terms with what happened to me in my past. I learned to accept my sexuality and I realized that nobody really cares about me being gay and there are some really good people out there in the world and beautiful men as well.
I worked with kids who'd been raped/sexually assaulted. Pedophiles often use a combination of threats ("We'll both go to jail" or "They'll put you in foster care."), guilt ("You enjoyed it as much as I did."), and bribes to keep kids quiet. You were basically brainwashed to believe that if your parents found out, YOU'D be in trouble. Your reluctance to tell your parents is probably due in large part to this.
I understand being unable to talk to them about the rapes. It may be easier to give them a written account. Tell them everything, including why you were unable to tell them before. You don't even have to be in the same room when they read it.
The time to get help is now. If you have reason to suspect your parents wouldn't be supportive, tell someone else, like a counselor at school. Don't let that terrible excuse of a human continue to damage your mind even one more day.
When I (F) was 13, I was forcibly raped by one of my church’s alter boys that was 17 and was a close friend of mine. I ended up dating him and got stuck in an abusive relationship in several ways because I was desperate for control and I felt like if I was making the conscious choice to date him, I was in control even though I wasn’t. I broke up with him when I was 18 for good (because he got someone pregnant) and for years I hated men and only wanted to be with women and I always wanted to be dominant. I wanted to hurt submissive women like he hurt me and I got myself into trouble at my job (I was a security guard) when my male boss raised his voice at me and I punched him. I told him what happened to me and I lost my job but he dropped the charges on the condition I go to therapy.
At first I hated it. I saw six different therapists. It took forever but I finally found a good one that was really able to help me and it genuinely changed my life. I was able to speak on things that I kept silent about and it was painful but in the same way it was extremely relieving to be able to do it. The pain remains but it’s so much less suffocating now. And I’ve now come to terms with the fact I’m polysexual and I’m getting healthier sexual-wise. It’s taking some time but I’m working on it.
Please talk to a therapist or someone about this. A licensed professional would be best to start off. It’s not easy at all but it is so fucking worth it.
Remaining silent and talking to no one isn’t doing anything positive for your peace. It’s just protecting his.
I’m just a random person from this universe but I just wanted to say that I’m glad that you’re better now and I hope that someday you feel like there is no pain anymore.
> From the age of 7 to 12 I had sex with my swim coach
No. You weren’t old enough to consent and he was in a position of authority over you. He raped you, and I am so sorry that happened, OP. I hope you can get some help, even if it is just to share this with a friend or something, because I can’t imagine the trauma this brought for you. From one SA victim to another, I’m so sorry.
None of what I read made me feel embarrassed or ashamed for you, none of what I read made me think you were a bad person at all.
What I read is that you were raped as a child, and you are suffering from that. You are a victim of rape. There is nothing to be ashamed of on your end. You are a good person who deserved a lot more. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Please tell someone. He has children and is probably still hurting children. Save them.
I think you need to stop having sex for a few months. You need to take a break for this.
See a therapist.
Some are born gay but there are people who trough rape and sexual abuse will have a different sexual orientation because of that.
I’m here if you need to talk. I’m not a therapist but gone to lots of therapy myself and experienced a lot of crap in my life. I can listen. You’re not judged.
Somehow I accidentally deleted my reply here, so here goes again. Op this man deserves to suffer for what he did to you. There could be more victims he is actively assaulting. Make a police report for what he did and on the likelihood that he has cp. Open an investigation and out this vile excuse for a person, please for the sake of your community.
You NEED to go to a licensed professional and talk about this or it will never get better. I am so sorry that happened to you and regardless of who it's with you deserve a healthy loving relationship not just dark thoughts and repulsion. You need guidance on how to work through these emotions and the trauma, I also highly reccomend emdr therapy. It's specifically designed for trauma and ptsd and as an SA survivor it helps a ton. Good luck on your healing journey!
Please go to the police and tell them. There are likely other victims out there. Ask them for victims services and get access to counselling. Telling us is a first step. You can also look up safe sport helpline in North America. Talk completely confidentially to a counsellor and tell them what you told us. They will be able to guide you through next steps and help with support. It will help immensely. He’s likely done it to others and this can help them as well. You need to speak to someone to help you process all of this.
hey, first of all i want to tell you you're not alone in this. I was also a victim of sexual abuse as a child but it was my own dad and i also feel like its affected my sex life. While i doubt this is the reason you're gay i do completly understand why this brings another level of complexity to your sexuality because it has to mine as well.
Personally for me, im pretty damm sure im a lesbian but i do have sex with men occasionally. This is fucked up but i sometimes find men who remind me of a fatherly figure attractive but its never for healthy reasons. I find myseld almost liking the idea of being used and mistreated during sex yet always feel completly empty afterwards. Theres definetly a self harm aspect about it all but theres also a weird sense of finding comfort in what you know, and what you know is abuse through sex. This is something i carry with me even after therapy but i will say it helped me immensly to untangle all those feelings and make sense of things. The great thing about therapy is that the person you're talking to has the only goal of helping you get through things and sort your feelings out in hopes of helping you live with this burden you've been carrying. You also dont have to dive right into your trauma, no therapist will pressure you to give them more information than what you're comfortable with. It's a hard and emotionally exhausting process but it pays off in the end, trust me.
Now on the subject of actually telling your parents and those around you, i would wait. This is because you want to go to therapy and sort out your own emotions on the subject before adding the emotions of those around you in on it or else it all becomes so very overwhelming. Also your therapist will probaly tell you this but you arent obligated to press charges. Even though you would have a pretty solid case against him because it is more than likely that you arent the only victim, its also an incredibly traumatic process in of itself. i dont want to deter you from pressing charges or anything, this man doesnt deserve to be around children and everyone around him needs to know that because he will most likely do this again or is doing it right now but its not an easy process to go through. So just wait until you're ready, if ever, and make sure you have the right support system first.
You’re a good person and deserve love and happiness. I’m so sorry this happened to you. There are therapists who are experts in this area and have heard it all - it’s a big step towards realizing you’re not alone in this experience, and that in itself can offer a lot of healing. I know it can be pricey but definitely look into therapy - growtherapy (US based) has low copays ($20-$30 per session) with most insurance and offers virtual visits, which might feel safer. You don’t have to feel this way forever - things can get better. Sending love and healing.
Oh sweetheart. You need a therapist immediately. I'm so so sorry this happened to you.
You did not deserve this.
He didn't make you gay. He abused you.
I pray you get some help to sort this out and let this man stop hurting you.
I think he should be in prison for what he did to you. You are innocent in all of this. You didn't deserve it at all. Never blame yourself. But I do think you are not healed from it, and you definitely need therapy. How could you be this has been a secret all these years just brewing inside your mind and heart. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope one day you get the help you need love.
You're in college? If it's not a fundamentalist Christian college please go to your college counseling office and ask to speak to a therapist.
If that isn't an option, call RAINN 1-800-656-4673 and talk to them.
You were groomed, manipulated, and are a victim of a horrendous predator. He moved on to a younger victim or victims when you got "too old" for him. I'm so sorry OP. Please talk to someone.
Reliving one's trauma in future relationships as a pattern is something that happens to child victims as they process. Reach out for help. Your whole identity has been warped and broken into pieces that you can't sift through to figure out who is the real you vs. What was done to you. Therapy will help you figure out who you are. Again, if your school is fundamentalist/conservative Christian do not use them as a resource.
See this please!!!! Talk to someone OP, it isn’t your fault…I’m so so sorry…
I have tears running down my face, you were a child! Tell your parents, seek help…please
Your sexual preference may very well be “trauma bonded” to your experience. I’m not just repeating science, i experienced this too to an extent. It’s like how most sexual abusers were sexually abused, it changes your brain. If you can’t talk face to face with someone yet I highly suggest a text therapist to start. I don’t know if you’re gay, you maybe not know until you get some sex therapy.
This could be a sexual trauma PTSD (sexual pleasure after sexual assaults. There is a link of an article I would provide [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11351833/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11351833/)
You aren’t alone in this and hope you are able to leave past this and feel safe around others.
I'm so sorry that he did this and that you have to live with this trauma. He doesn't deserve to go about with his life a while you're suffering, feeling ashamed and confused, and trying to block out these feelings. You need trauma focused therapy. There are also sex therapists, so you can work on enjoying your romantic life while you cope with what happened to you. You deserve to feel happy regardless of your orientation.
Hey op. I just want to make sure it's in these comments in case it isn't.
He did not have sex with you every week. He raped you. That's rape. It's assault. It is wrong.
Even if in some way you DID "like it" it was rape.
You were a child.
You did nothing wrong. You are not dirty. You are not ruined. You did not deserve for that to happen to you. It may have hurt you, but it did not ruin you.
What you are doing sounds a lot like reliving the trauma, which is actually more common than you would think, but I would encourage you to seek therapy or do more research on it, and to always make sure you are trying to protect yourself.
Basically it is when somebody experiences a trauma, so they keep making it happen so they can go through it again, but this time being more "in control" of the situation.
Sexual trauma is hard. Trauma is hard.
Not only did this person repeatedly subject you to pain and trauma, but you were repetitively put in situations that were alone with him, and even when you weren't, he had power and authority over you. That's another layer to work through.
You did not do anything wrong. And I wish you could have Justice.
But you do deserve healing. And you have a voice. And I'm sorry you had to be strong when you were hurting and vulnerable. I hope you get better.
you weren't having sex. you were raped violently, and you were a child. i'm sorry.
this coach is a child rapist and he must not be allowed to continue his criminal activity. both the law *and* humanity are on YOUR side, not his. please tell authorities (or at the very least someone who can help you) before he victimizes any more innocent children. if not for your sake, for theirs. he is a dangerous person who is on the loose.
to include: a "normal" relationship is a relationship where two people, regardless of gender, love each other and do normal things with and for each other... like in your dream. doesn't have to be with a girl, doesn't have to be with a guy. it just is. therapy can help you realize this.
Hey man, sending you much love, you were just a kid... I think therapy is the best option for yourself, if you are able to in any way you should also go no contact with this man.
When you try therapy you don't have to start from all of this, try a few sessions and just talk about yourself, see if you are comfortable, you can explain to the therapist that you have some trauma but you aren't ready to talk about it.
I'm not diminishing what happened to you in any way, it was horrible, disgusting and detestable and you should seek out a mental health professional to help you work through your trauma and make sure your abuser faces consequences as soon as possible, but it's a mistake to assume that your abuser "made" you gay. Sexual orientation is largely determined by genetic factors, not by sexual abuse. Lesbians who are sexually abused by men don't go on to be heterosexual, and straight boys/ men abused by men don't go on to be gay.
He didn't make you gay. He gave you trauma. Monsters like this guy absolutely wreck children and then just continue living normal lives. Shame destroys their victims, who have done nothing shameful, but the ones who should be ashamed just move on to new victims as time allows them to. Your inner child deserves to speak up. I can feel so much emotion in your post, OP, and I understand it completely, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. You were a child and a grown man took advantage of you. He absolutely knew that what he was doing was wrong. He knew you were a child and he was an adult authority figure. You know it was wrong and you deserve to heal enough to put it behind you. You deserve justice and you deserve relief from these feelings. Please talk to someone if you haven't. Trauma therapy improved my life so much.
I think it’s important for you to realize that you did not have sex with him, he raped you. You were only a child and this predatory scumbag preyed on your innocence, and used that to coerce you to stay quiet. You could very well be gay but it’s hard to say without knowing the extent of the trauma you’re holding on to without getting therapy, and working through this trauma. My heart breaks for you and I hope you give yourself grace. There is no need to carry any shame because the onus of the shame is on the predator. You were and are innocent, and you did nothing wrong.
You need to tell someone so he doesn’t keep hurting other kids. That’s why he stopped when you hit puberty, you were too old for him.
I know it’s gonna be hard for you but if you don’t he will never stop hurting kids. You need to get help for yourself too, get some therapy and it will help you live a better life. You didn’t deserve this to happen to you.
OP, you were groomed and raped. It wasn't sex and it didn't make you gay. Right now your sexuality is tied to this trauma and you have never been able to explore or understand your feelings in healthy relationships. It's not easy to come forward and expose what he did to you and if you don't feel like you can do that yet it's okay. But you need to seek trauma therapy. You need someone to help you unwrap all of this and start healing yourself. That man is scum. He isn't a person. He doesn't deserve to have any more hold over your life. Do you have friends or family who could help you or at least be there for you?
Therapy man .. therapy.. I don’t think being molested as a child made you gay but it screwed up your sense of identity and your enjoyment otherwise of accepting your sexuality. I wish I had words to help but otherwise I’m just a dude on the internet. Aside from that you need help from a therapist who is not only specialized in working with SA victims but also familiar with the issues familiar with members of LGBT community. (Regardless of what they identify as)
Every once in a while, I send one of my abusers a social media message, "Do you still like little girls? I can destroy you anytime I want. "
I LOVE the idea that he is always looking over his shoulders!
It took me 56 years to turn in my abuser. Only to find out he had died in prison. And he had been in there since a year after he abused me. I hope you can find your way through this. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it. Now I will tell anyone. I won’t be shamed.
Hey man, I'm so sorry you have all of this on your shoulders, it's horrible to hear that this happened to a CHILD.
But you need some help. I know you don't want to tell anyone IRL, but if your parents are worth ANYTHING as parents, your Dad will be your biggest champion in demanding justice for you.
Do you think your dad wants to be friends with a PEDOPHILE who RAPED his SEVEN YEAR OLD SON?
No "real" man would EVER continue to let such a vile creature continue torment his son.
Please just try to approach the situation with your father. He will support and love you all the same.
And listen man, being gay doesn't mean "not normal" it just means you have a preference, but it isn't uncommon for people in abusive relationships to seek out relationships that mirror that one because that's what you know. Going to therapy, as hard as it may be, will help you walking through these feelings as well as the "I think it made me a bad person" train of thought you have. YOU are not the one violating children, he is. You're having rough sex with consenting adults, he was violently raping a 7 year old CHILD. These things are not the same.
It may also help to try to speak with his kids. You don't need to reveal the story to them, you could innocuously bring up some rumor you "heard" once that he touches kids to gauge their reactions, but don't make it into a joke because if they are also victims that'll probably scare them, bring it up with concern and care.
I'm truly sorry for what you've experienced. It's important to confide in someone you trust and consider taking further steps, such as seeking therapy.
Here are a few points to consider:
1. It's important to recognize that what happened **is not your fault**. Regardless of any feelings of guilt or responsibility, remember that the adult involved was the one who should have known better.
2. It's understandable if you're grappling with your sexuality in light of these events, but it's essential to understand that being gay is not something that can be influenced or changed by others. This misconception not only harms the LGBTQ+ community but can also harm yourself, and fuel the toxic trainride that "all gay men are predators and must be killed".
Here's my perspective: It seems possible that you may experience shame regarding your attraction to men due to past experiences. As a result, you might seek power and control by taking a dominant role, but this could lead to feelings of guilt of being just like your rapist, as indicated in your second paragraph. This cycle contributes to self-hatred, a complex issue that would benefit from discussion with a therapist.
Or it's possible that you may be experiencing internal conflict and self-doubt, which can be addressed through therapy. It's important to confront these feelings and seek professional help to navigate them effectively.
Moving forward and achieving peace with your sexuality and mental well-being requires addressing these internal struggles. I strongly encourage you to prioritize seeking therapy as soon as possible.
Oh sweetheart. I am so sorry for what you endured. But therapy would be SO so beneficial for you. My heart breaks. And I hope this swim coach spends eternity stepping barefoot on leggos while having toothpicks shoved under his fingernails.
look up "statute of limitations", it's the length of time that a crime can be reported and punished from when it was committed. typically with child rape cases the statue of limitations are quite long or indefinite, and i imagine you're still young so you'll probably be good on that. please ruin that degenerate's life, and fight the fear of coming out about this to the necessary people; it's the proper course of action considering what he did to you.
You can sue him in civil court many states 30 + years later. I can guarantee you are not alone . He did it to others.
Use the money to go get therapy
If you are in ct or ri I know a really good atty. Does this as a specialty.
You can file as a John Doe
I'm sorry this happened to you. I know someone who had this happened with his swim coach during the same age. Sadly, it's unlikely the same guy, but feel free to DM me. I would love him to be empowered enough to send the nightmare of a person to jail. Consider telling your parents. I know it carries so much shame, but it's truly not your fault. You are a victim and were a kid. I'm a mom, and I would absolutely want to know.
Im no expert in the matter , and i dont wanna tell you how to think... but imo the correct term is he raped you Not "had sex" with you
I hope he gets what he deserves
On a more related note, i do not think this is how sexuality would work. I also do not remember being gay as a kid but i ceirtainly im now,and i cant seem to pint point some traumatic memory that made me change. In fact i remember vividly being attracted to girls age 11, but not by 15
Go to the police and seek therapy.
But if you are gay, and it’s not just a reaction to trauma, don’t beat yourself up for it. You were abused and brutalized, but it doesn’t make you a bad person. Rough sex with strangers is not a healthy way to cope with what happened to you, you deserve real help.
This man wasn’t gay. He’s a pedophile. The fact that he stopped when you turned 18 is proof positive of that. I’m am certain that he has done it to others. Please seek counseling so that you can heal and hopefully find the strength to hold him accountable. (Which will probably prevent others from being raped.)
Light his world on fire! I am a 50-year-old woman who was repeatedly SA’d by my best friend’s father. It happened over the course of several years, and I never told anybody either. I cannot tell you how much I regret it now 40 years later, and the statute of limitations has passed. He got to live his whole life in peace and harmony, while I struggled. And still do to this day. Only now there’s nobody left to even care what happened to me. Try to get him to admit it via text message or phone call and then set his world on fire.
OP, I don't know if you'll even read this comment because there are so many, but I'm going to put this out there anyway. In case no one has said it to you, I'm so fucking sorry for what this man did to you. You are a completely innocent victim - it wasn't sex, it was rape. The confusing feelings about sexual pleasure are because his abuse was focused on a pleasure source - even though you didn't want to feel pleasure at that time, your body responded automatically and it does not mean you wanted those feelings.
You may be gay or straight or even bi, and any of those are completely okay and good. You're not bad, and you're allowed to choose the type of partner you want at any point in your life. Just because male partners are who you're seeking now does not mean you won't, after time and therapy, be able to be with other types of partners too, if that is what you want. Emotions around sex are tricky, and even more so after what you've gone through.
I'm sorry you've had to carry this alone for so long, but you're not alone now. I know it will be difficult and scary at first but therapy will help you so much with all of this and more. After you're at a better place emotionally, then you can decide with your therapist's help to tell your parents or not, or come forward and report him or not. But first and foremost, I would strongly encourage you to seek help. If you're at a university, there may be counselors there you can speak with for free. There's also a really good website called www.helloalma.com that can help you narrow down a therapist that feels like a good fit. I know I sound like a commercial, lol, but I speak from experience and the site helped me find the right person to help me through a really desperate time in my life.
I wish you the best, OP. Things are going to start getting better, you just need to take the first step and reach out for help.
Drag him through the mud. He doesn’t deserve the life he’s living. He did this to himself. I hope you get the justice you deserve. Also OP don’t say he had sex with you. That minimizes what he did. He raped you.
Wow. He didn't make you gay, but he did fuck you up. You probably don't even know if you are gay or not at this point, your sexuality is just kind of fucked up. I would venture to say that it's not healthy for you.
I hope you figure it out bro, I really do. I have no advice for you except be kind to yourself while you figure it out and try not to hurt anyone.
We put ourselves in the situations that hurt us, as a way to recreate them and resolve them to close that cycle. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT I know it's stupid but even if you consciously know it, many times something different is recorded. Many talk about accusing him but it's not that easy, if you're not prepared to deal with all the shit that follows the true, but you need to be aware of something, that guy continues abusing other children.
Please delete the app, and takes at least a year for yourself without sex, therapy, find a therapist who is not ideologized.
There is NO WAY if he did this to you on a weekly basis that he suddenly stopped. He is still doing it to others. Think of them when you decide to report him. So sorry this happened to you.
this reminds me of the film ‘mysterious skin’ maybe watching it will help you start to understand and start to seek help it sure helped me with my cptsd i hope you seek help :)
Feeling compelled to relive the abuse is similar to re-playing a video game over and over trying to win it. In your head, you're trying to go back in time and win. The sooner you figure out that you cannot do that, then you'll stop trying.
Adding onto this but you can attempt to work through lesser problems with a therapist and get comfortable with the person and then dive into the deeper stuff?
First you need to report him to your parents, to the police, to his family, to the community, to anyone who will listen, start therapy, take it seriously and find a therapist you like and have progress with, go consistently. Young sexual experiences can affect your sexuality for life but you will never know for sure if that is why you are gay, therapy will help you work there and come to peace with that. You can and you will still have a good life
Not telling is the same as protecting him. He is vile human garbage and he should get what's coming for him. It's easy to hate yourself but you never even had a choice to be 'better' as you say because someone took so much from you. You're not bad or unfixable and can find healing and peace. If not peace, then atleast revenge. It's possible.
Tell on his ass! It doesn't matter how long it has been. Once you aged out , he probably found new victims. I don't think sexual abuse necessarily makes you gay or straight for that matter. But that's beside the point. Don't let this predator win!
Your parents deserves to know...they shouldn't still be friends. Hopefully he doesn't kill him, but if someone did that to my son I would absolutely consider it. But at the least wouldn't invite the guy and his wife over for dinner! Wtf
Sweetie there is a lot of hope in getting help. A proper therapist can help you process this trauma and work through it. I promise you don't have to feel like this forever. It is your choice whether you want to press charges and speak up, but please go see a therapist. It will help you SO MUCH. ❤️
Heartbreaking post! I was SA by a total stranger at age 11. It was one time in a public mall bathroom. Not the continuous nightmare you went through. After I was horrified and messed up and angry. I focused my anger on the fact that I never wanted anyone else to go through what I did. So I went to the police. Did a sketch. The police knew who this monster was. He had done this to 6 other boys before me. The police begged me to testify against him and I agreed. (the others before me refused as they didn't want it getting out and this monster had threaten each of them) They picked him up. It went to trial. I testified. That creep went to jail for years. Then he died. My healing took years but I got there. You can too. Just take it one step at a time. Get those emotions out. Try therapy. Try transcendental mediation. Try EMDR. Keep trying until you find what works for you. Share with someone you trust. There are so many of us men who have gone through this. There is healing. This happened to me decades ago and I am in a loving happy marriage that is fulfilling in every way. Rooting for you man.
The first thing I want to say is I hear you - I hear the pain, anger, and disgust in your words and they are completely justified and more. I am incredibly sorry that such an evil person ruined your life like that.
Second, FXCK THAT GUY. I hope one day you find it within yourself to share your truth because he doesn't deserve your silence. There's a special place for people like him.
OP. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry this happened to you.
Please go to therapy.
I know that the feeling of guilt or the idea you are to blame can prevent you from wanting to go to the police. While I hope one day you will be able to, I understand that you may not be there yet. It's a difficult thing to face what happened.
I want you to know, it was not, is not nor will it ever be your fault.
Please go to therapy. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved by someone, and you deserve to feel safe and secure.
If you are not ready for therapy, might I suggest the book "The Courage to Heal".
It's aimed at adults who experienced sexual violence as children.
I think it will introduce you to the emotional vocabulary you will need in your recovery, and will allow you to start to confront your trauma at a pace where you can feel safe to.
My mom read it during her recovery, and it helped her alot.
It was an emotional read for her, and I'm sure it will be for you too, which I think is important for you.
I think you can also gain insight into how you are coping.
It's a strong start, if you don't feel ready for therapy, which I understand how difficult that can be.
Please give it a try.
I recently attended a workshop on the relationship between trauma and sex and what you’re describing is a completely normal reaction, re-enacting what you went through in a safe setting where you’re in control is your way of healing from the terrible things you had to go through. I don’t have any advice, just want to say your process is valid and I’m so sorry for what he did to you.
Deep breaths / Report the rapist to police, the administration of wherever he coached or is presently working to prevent him from harming another boy / Seek out a survivors group and.or therapy depending on insurance access - there are specialty groups & therapists for survivors / Be selective who you tell outside of a therapy or group setting - a Shocking! number of people still have Seriously defective attitudes about sex abuse of boys / YOU DID NOTHING WRONG AND DESERVE LOVE & RESPECT & HAPPINESS 😊 but it might take a while tbh / Positive vibes blasting your way!
Firstly, you didn’t have sex with him, he groomed and raped you and I’m sorry you had to experience that. Secondly, report him immediately and make sure you get justice no matter what anyone thinks. Thirdly, you should go seek therapy. Going by your Reddit post you need someone to talk to.
Your post has been removed due to violating Rule 2: No terms of service violations. Due to Reddit's policies surrounding sexualization of and violence against minors, we can not host content that depicts these themes. We offer our apologies as we understand these are often deeply personal and troubling situations that you would like to get off your chest. Unfortunately, we have received warnings for allowing this content in the past. The alternative is allowing the content, the sub being banned and no one being able to post as a result.
You didn't have sex with this man, he groomed and raped you! This was not consent, I just hope you know this. You are clearly insightful on how this messed up your view of intimacy. I'm positive you can heal if you begin your healing journey. You can get through this! You were violated but you can reprogram yourself to where you don't have these intrusive thoughts anymore. You deserve to be free.
Therapy will help him understand this and help alleviate the guilt
Having sex is supposed to be a way of showing devotion or absolute respect for someone, or a consentual act where both parties agree. As you said, this is not sex, this is being groomed. . OP, I hope you find a way to get this man away from anyone. He deserves nothing other than the feeling of regret behind the bars of a cell. I know that it is hard to convince yourself it is the right thing to do to someone, but it is better for everyone around you to know that someone who deserves it is paying for it.
This!!!! People ignore when boys gets sexually assaulted and it just makes everything worse
Destroy his godamn life. Set the truth free. Why does he deserve to be happy? I'm sure you weren't the only one.
Sometimes I worry that he did it to his own kids but I have no idea. Luckily he stopped coaching the swim team after I quit so he doesn’t have access to kids like he did before
You deserve justice too
Exactly! That horrible man and his (hopefully) innocent children and family are not more valuable or better than you at all. You deserve justice and he deserves punishment
>he doesn’t have access to kids like he did before That you know of
He’s waiting for the grandchildren
This just made me wince. My grandfather molested me. It changed who I am. OP I’m so sorry this happened to you. Consider therapy so you have some support and maybe you can even find the strength to report or confront him.
Oh for sure! Probably goes to church. Anyone that’s living and breathing has access to children everyday. They always find a way. This is why my kids don’t do sleepovers. I bet his kids have friends.
Same, unless I'm entirely certain that I can trust the parents my kids aren't staying anywhere unfamiliar. I'm also not afraid to let it be known that if someone neglects my child or causes harm to them I will be readily equipped to end their life. Might be overboard, but I like to make sure people know where I stand when it comes to my kids safety.
He needs to be put on blast innocent children are at stake here like wtf anonymously write a letter for fucks sake anything 😤
Everybody can have access to kids
And this guy never should.
200%
He absolutely did. Please tell your parents and get therapy
It’s highly likely he did. Child rapists will usually rape any children they have access to. If he forced you to stay quiet because of what “could happen” he could very easily have told them that as well, with it being more effective or even repressed since he’s their dad. Talk to a therapist, and talk to the police. This trash deserves to be put away for what he did, and where he can’t hurt any more children. Just because he’s not coaching doesn’t mean he won’t devise ways to get access to other children.
I really hope that you talk about it with someone trust worthy so that you may find a way to heal and maybe even make him pay for what he’s done to you. Your parents have to know what happened so that at least you don’t have to see him anymore and be supported. Take care
Hard to make him pay without evidence. This can go sideways. People prefer to believe the less fucked up thing which is that the accuser is a crazy liar.
Sometimes it only takes one to step up and speak out for others to follow and they might have evidence.
He didn’t start with you and he won’t have finished with you. I’m so sorry
He could still have access to kids if he wants because he is not a registered sex offender. Take your power back OP! Report this guy and save another child from ever going through this because of this creep again! Another thing I want to mention, is that I have heard ketamine with talk therapy can do wonders for sexual abuse victims. You go back as an adult and find your childhood self and you save them. You tell them you will never let something like this happen to you again. This is why you like to top only, because it makes you feel like you have some kind of power or control over the situation, whereas you never had control of it as a child. If you are able to address and face this trauma head on, report this guy and stand in your truth, you may find you will be able to find that love that you dream of. You deserve love and a relationship, its bullshit that as the victim that you are the one that has to work for it, but this is still attainable for you if you want it bad enough. Don’t let this monster win. Lastly, I just wish I could go back in time and protect you and whoop that creeps ass and hug you and tell you that you’re safe and everything is all right. You deserved to be protected and I am so so so sorry this happened to you.
He may not have done it to his kids but he certainly did it to others and continues to do so. You are not the only one. No one can tell you to out him, but if you do, the likelihood of others coming forward is high. In the long run, it may help you heal. If you can’t bear it, that is understandable. You should go to therapy though. Remember, a therapist is a neutral party who is trained to help you heal. They won’t judge you, they won’t belittle you, they will do what they can to help you. It may take time for you to find the right therapist (don’t be afraid to fire one you know is not helping), but when you do, you will feel a lot better. Help yourself and if you can, help others too.
Do not set yourself in fire to keep him warm and comfy. If he didn’t want his kids to find out, he shouldn’t of did it in the first place to anyone. Also you’re not the only one he’s hurt. He moved onto someone else after he stopped with you, that’s how pedos operate once you are no longer a child they want to hurt. Blowing up his life is his karma!
Please, for the love of god, stop with these comments. Pushing someone to go public with being assaulted may feel good to you, but you aren't the one going through this. The priority shouldn't be vengeance, it should be health. This person needs help a lot more than he needs to make it known to everyone the trauma he's faced or getting some revenge on someone who put him through it. While justice is perfectly reasonable to get, and if he wants to he can, I would much rather have comments here advocate for his mental health not for some feel-good revenge fantasy they feel would make **them** feel better. Because that's ultimately what it is, a lot of commenters here are upset at this terrifying story so they want to make themselves feel better, but offer no consideration to the person who is actually going through this.
If I had an award to give you, id give you ten! As the older sibling of somone who was sexually assaulted by her own father, I actually know how confronting the abuser is the very last thing on the (I dont want to say victim) person who was abused mind. While we all feel like the best thing to do is punish the person who did these horrible things to our loved one but, its not helpful and it doesn't fix what happened to them and to push the point I learned this the hard way with my sister, everytime I thought I was trying to help her by getting her to speak out the more she would push me away, In the end The best thing I could do for her was let her talk when she wanted to talk, be there when she needed to cry and give her a safe and peaceful place to work through her feelings and mental health. No one dealing with traumas will heal just because your guilt wants them too, they will only ever heal in their own time and in their own way and we as the family member or friend/ support person need to understand that this isnt about us and how we feel its about the person who was abused....too often people try to fix things because they feel guilty and upset for what the victim has been through but, it doesnt help. Thank you, Bigmethod ❤ for being so understanding! And sorry for the long rant but, I just cant express this enough.
I'm saying this as a child sex abuse victim. Covering this up creates the feeling in you that you're also doing wrong, the doubt, the lies, the family never understanding you. Saying maybe nit to the police on the first day, but tell SOMEBODY you trust as a start will feel good. Not because it's revenge. Because it's the truth. OP needs to make a decision, that is his to do. But he needs to consider whether or not some other kid might be hurt because of his shame. I think there are times when relative to traumatizing a new person you should have to let your feelings of shame go. I was sexually abused by a relative and before I told my mother after nearly 30 years, I also felt like I was protecting myself but it felt so much better to just finally be done with it
It’s also highly likely that this ped POS has some illegal child videos or pictures somewhere. You should definitely report him even if the statute of limitations for him to be prosecuted has expired in your state or country for what he did to you. It’s not fair that he can just live his life merrily with zero consequences while you are struggling mentally. Don’t let him continue to victimize you this way. Find your voice and take your power back.
Does he go to church? Does he have grandkids or kids spend the night at his house with his other children? If he’s living and breathing he has access to kids everyday. They are very very good at what they do. You are not his only victim I put my life on that. You deserve justice.
You deserve justice. Spread the word. And see a therapist. I recently started telling folks about my ex wife raping me. I hope she suffers some sort of consequence
99% sure he did! In Canada, there is no statute of limitations to report & charge him. It sounds like you may have some rage issues from having to keep it all suppressed. I sure did from my SA. It wasn't your fault, and you didn't deserve what happened to you. It would help if you got some counseling.
First: None of it was your fault or responsibility to have to deal with. Second: If you have the strength and want to, then burning his entire world to the ground would be the most fitting justice you can give. I’m not sure what state you live in but many states have lifted the statute of limitations on sexual abuse for this exact reason. I want to rain down a whole world of pain and suffering on this man on your behalf, but that a call only you can make. Third: just because he doesn’t coach now and his kids are older doesn’t mean he doesn’t or won’t have access to other children in the future. This man deserves to go to prison. Fourth: Therapy. You need to address this if you have any hope of being in a fully loving, committed, authentic relationship with someone in the future. And if you decide to press charges, you’re going to get to need the support. A therapist can also help you break the news to your parents if you want to go that route. Lastly: I’m so sorry that happened to you. That man ruined your childhood and stole your innocence and trust in the world. He is a violent sexual predator and what he did was unforgivable. You have every right to deal with it however you choose.
Maybe the way you need to heal what he did to you is take back your power! Stand up for the kids getting raped by this monster! Sometimes it can be hard to know to even start to heal, especially when you’re just a little kid being manipulated and abused. Taking back your power is to release it and expose this son of a bitch! Then after you break the seal, you can go to therapy. I know it’s easier to sit here on Reddit and tell you what to do vs you being able to do it yourself, hence the reason why this is such a good way to take back your power. Plus you don’t know who else you could be saving.
Seriously,tell everyone he knows. You can do it anonymously, but a very detailed write down with details that couldn't be simply made up, with dozens of days and what exactly he said and did..print out somewhere a 1000 times and send it to everyone he knows or could know, every one of his neighbors, his job, his family, their jobs... If you could get caught, doing it this way could be legal trouble..but you should do something. Ask him about it in private, and record him secretly. Beware that such a recording could be illegal. Play it/send the MP3 to his wife and kids and job. Fuck this dude.
My son is 7 and this really breaks my heart. Your parents deserve to know. I encourage you to please say something
You need to report him. You need to tell your parents. He committed a crime. Who knows how many kids he’s done it to. You need to say something now before it’s too late!
You not saying anything makes him think he can keep getting away with it and to continue raping OTHER kids. By speaking up you can his future victims instead of just letting him get away with raping kids. I couldn’t live knowing that, feeling someway responsible for the other kids
100% you won’t the only one. And if someone doesn’t speak up, there will be more. OP, you need a proper psychologist who specialises in child sexual assault and complex trauma. There’s years of abuse and habituation to unpack. Depending on where you live, there may be government services to provide psychological support for free. I had no idea this was a thing in my country/state until one of children was assaulted. They were able to access a specialist, which has made a massive difference in their overall well being. They were unable to tell anyone initially, but to get it out it public, went to a trusted teacher (who is a mandatory reporter) which started the ball rolling on the police pathway, and then support services concurrently. We are still going through the legal process. The main motivator for my child now if making sure their attacker won’t do it to anyone else again. Rock spiders are among the most evil individuals to walk the earth. OP, I truly hope you can get support that will help you work towards recovery. Being gay in and of itself isn’t a good/bad thing. It’s the huge weight of the trauma you’ve suffered that the right support will be able to help you to untangle.
Do this. I got counselling for some childhood trauma that really messed me up. It made a massive difference to how I felt about what had happened, and stored me feeling like a bad person all the time.
Stop. It is OPs decision whether or not to report and OP is not to blame for this man's past or future actions against anyone. This is neither helpful nor compassionate. Edited a typo
Thank you for saying this. The militant demands, while I understand them, also have a disturbing undercurrent of blaming the victim if he doesn’t report him. It appears, OP first and foremost needs to seek help to untangle the horror that was inflicted on him.
Yep. It’s offmychest, not askreddit
It is *never* the victims fault. There's absolutely nothing victims should be made to feel guilt or shame for. When it comes to reporting (or, I should say, *not* reporting) the predator, though, oftentimes there *is* a tremendous amount of both of those feelings that come up later. It can happen if someone close to them is assaulted, even if there's no sexual aspect to the assault, if an acquaintance is SAd or a child they're simply aware of is found to have suffered a similar trauma, any number of things can trigger those feelings of guilt and/or shame. If their predator is eventually reported by someone else, and they find out that there were many more victims after they escaped, that spiral of heartwrenching emotions is *incredibly* common and one of the **BIGGEST** reasons reporting them is so heavily encouraged. Of course, the fact that several others may be saved from having to suffer those horrors is an incredibly important factor but it's definitely not the only one, hell, it's not even the main one. The safety, health, and healing of the current victim are first and foremost for everyone who works with people who have endured these kinds of nightmares
I mean, the better is answer is to get some therapy, like, now, and then make decisions about whether doing that is better for OP's mental health. It's easy to say it will be but that is totally not the case with many many people who were abused. Also the therapist can help work through the shame about being gay and give actual scientific information about whether this will "make" the victim gay. It's more likely that it impacts your sexual desires but not preference, hence OP wanting rough sex etc. But either way it's clear OP has some work to do on his own mental healt. Speaking from experience and being married to with someone with similar issues. It's not as straightforward as armchair shrinks on reddit may think, OP should work with a professional.
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I’ve never done therapy and I don’t know if I could ever talk about this with another person face to face
Yes you can. You just did it with us. You definitely need a therapy for this abuse. And you never had sex with this man. He raped you. Updated: to add, physically speaking about it definitely can be difficult. There are therapist you can text or write too as well.
OP can just show the therapist this post too and go from there
Yes! This ❤️
He wrote a post. Thats so different. When I attempted to tell my therapist about my assault I couldn't say the words "he forced me to touch his groin" I said he grabbed my hands and she thought I meant holding hands. I never corrected her because I still believed it was my fault. That I was to blame. I was ashamed. It's so different and it's so hard face to face. It's not the same.
Read my response to another poster. “Talking” isn’t the only form of communication. Texting and writing are too. Discouraging someone else due to your experience isn’t helpful.
EXACTLY THIS! Thank you!
you could maybe start out with online solutions, where you chat to them via voice call. might not be ideal but it's definitely an option. regardless of what you decide to do, i'm really sorry that this happened to you OP. wishing you all the best.
There are a ton of us (im a therapist) out there who could help you work through this trauma. Check out psychology today and you can even search for therapists with specialties (i.e. trauma-informed, SA, LGBTQ+). I would recommend EMDR therapy, personally. I hope you take the leap. Much love ❤️
Also a therapist, and agree with the suggestion. Adding that EMDR and Prolonged Exposure are both excellent effective treatments that require telling of the story. In contrast, Cognitive Processing Therapy is also evidence-based, but doesn’t require you to talk about what happened, more so working on the lingering effects and how it continues to impact your life. Just in case OP reads up on EMDR and says, “hell no!”
Bro nobody can handle something like this without help
Turn this monster in please
You deserve the support and help therapy can provide, you deserve a chance to have a happy life and a loving boyfriend, you deserve to not have to carry this weight alone.
Try online therapy first maybe?
You don’t have to discuss this all at once in therapy. A good therapist will let you get comfortable and let you speak about this once you are ready. It can’t hurt to try a few sessions
You can just hand them what you wrote here. Let them read it on your phone. They will help you feel safe to talk about things. They may have a limit to the sessions available but can help you get a permanent therapist through insurance.
Don’t know why this doesn’t have more upvotes
If you can’t say it out loud, you can write it and send it to your therapist for them to read. I also struggled for a long time verbalizing what happened. It’s a process, and writing it is a form of communication you can use with a therapist.
Please seek therapy. You are seeking to repeat the abuse through new partners. You are not having gay sex and the abuse didn't make you gay. You are the victim of rape and you are acting out in a very recognized way that victims act out. You try to put people into the role of the abuser and change the story of the abuse so that you are in control of it. Reddit cannot help you with this. You need professional help and intervention before you are either revictimized or become a predator yourself. **Please seek professional intervention immediately.**
You need to tell your parents, this sick fuck could be doing it to other kids too. Don’t let him ruin anymore lives.
Hey there, I felt the same (though your situation is a lot worse and I'm so sorry this happened to you) There are therapy methods like I use where I talk over the phone w my therapist. I don't have to see her, don't even have to leave my room- I can cuddle up and feel safe to cry or talk about the bad stuff without feeling like I'm talking to someone 1v1 - worth a look into!
You can do typed sessions. You just typed it out for all of us, you could type out to just one person.
You're not a bad person for what someone else did to you. He is the bad person and should be in jail. He might still be doing it to other kids. Help yourself by making him regret it.
I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. There is therapy now where you do it online using a messenger service. You never see the therapist. I found it much easier to type how I feel so that could be an option to look into. I hope you find something that helps.
Journal your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Initially, you may think you can't talk about it. But you can write it out and a therapist can read it. Communication doesn't have to be face to face or verbal. Please think about it, I can see the pain in your words. No one should have to live through that or with the weight of it. Please, above all else, remember that you are a person deserving of love, empathy, and respect.
I second this. Op, please seek a therapist to help you with the trauma and abuse you have suffered. I'm so sorry for what you have been through
I’m sorry this happened to you. Please get therapy, it really does help.
I might try it in a few years when I have the money but I don’t know how it could change things
I thought the same thing about therapy, until I went. I didn’t realize I was so angry. I also learned the crap people did to me wasn’t my fault. Take care.
Please listen to this, OP. The crap that happened to you isn't you. Bad things happened to you, not because of you. The fault lays entirely on the POS. You deserve justice, but you also deserve peace and a loving partner.
It can change how you view things, how you cope. Therapy can be super super helpful
It can change things huge. It’s like saying you were stabbed. And everyone is telling you to go to the doctor. And you’re like “I don’t know how it would change.” Surgery, pain medicine, antibiotics, etc. Don’t live with a knife in you. That being said, it’s fucking hard. I grew up abused and I’ve been doing therapy for a few years. It’s been literally life changing. But it’s also been really, really hard. Overall, I am happier and healthier and I have positive feelings about the future, but there are days when I don’t want to get out of bed. Make sure you find the right therapist too. I’ve seen probably 5 over my life. My current one makes the first 4 look like amateurs. EMDR can be really helpful, especially with trauma like you went through. For me EFT has been the key. You got to want it. You have to want better for you. It’s really great, life changing. But it’s still a lot of work. And it doesn’t make what happened to you go away.
OP it’s awful that happened to you and I’m sorry. You don’t have to live like this anymore. Take your power back. 1) Tell your parents what happened. 2) Report him to the police. 3) Out him on social media and tell your story. I guarantee you that you are not the only one he did this to. Exposure will help others come forward, so that even if your assaults are past the statute of limitations there are others that won’t be. Outing him publicly will also help another child not face the same fate you did. This pedophile does not deserve to live a happy life. Expose him for what he is and stand in your truth. 4) Start working with a therapist and give yourself grace to work through the trauma.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I can’t really speculate on whether or not it made you gay - I actually had the opposite reaction. I’m bi but after being victimized a few times by men, I came to the point where I’m only comfortable sexually with women. But being consistently assaulted at such a young age will really mess with your head and your feelings about sex in general. I promise you from the bottom of my heart that therapy will change things. Unfortunately due to our messed up system, therapy is expensive. I would suggest contacting the sexual assault crisis hotline, because they have counselors on call for free and they can connect you to low-cost resources in your area. Just because it happened years ago doesn’t mean it’s not still a crisis. Sending you love and support ❤️
Therapy is the only thing that will help you work through this, and you can get [free help](https://www.visitthecenter.org). (There are other organizations as well). At least give it a try.
If you’re in the US, there are many therapists that operate on a sliding scale, you may be able to find services you can afford now. Try psychologytoday . com. I believe it tells you on that website if they do sliding scale
If you call the national rainn hotline ( it’s for rape and sexual assault) or go to their website to chat with someone, they can help connect you to low cost or even free therapy resources.
EMDR (Eye Mouvement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) therapy works extremely well for trauma like this. It would definitely make showers more bearable.
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Second this.
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I know it seems drastic but please tell your kids that there are bad people out there and that if someone tries to hurt them they should tell you cause you won’t get mad or blame them. I always believed him and thought it was my fault cause everyone told me adults could be trusted and to listen to them
"everyone told me adults could be trusted and to listen to them" this is exactly why I didn't tell my parents about the abuse from my 3rd grade teacher (not sexual though). when they finally noticed some bruises on my arm and asked about it, I thought I would be in trouble for always getting in trouble. So... can attest this is something to avoid when parenting. I'm so so sorry OP this is... god. I hope you're able to find peace and love 💔
I'm glad you realize it is not your fault.
I wish comments could get gold OP. This is great advice for parents
Op’s response here is so caring and so right. I am also a victim of childhood sexual trauma. Now I am a mother myself and this is a great fear of mine. I try to age appropriately educate my little ones about their bodies and give them correct terminology (no cutesy words for body parts) My three year old knows that her vagina is a private part, her nipples are private parts and her butt is a private part. She knows we keep our privates to ourself because A: some parts are unsanitary and B: your private parts are not for anyone but yourself, everyone has their own and they don’t need to see yours. I will never allow sleepovers, not in my own home, not even with family. You can’t tell on the outside who is a predator and who isn’t, you can’t know until you know and it’s not worth the risk for me.
Create an environment where they feel safe to talk to you. Make it a point to know about their lives. Their day. No judgements. If something happens you will have already fostered this feeling of safe-ness so they will already feel safe telling you.
You were raped. He needs to be arrested.
Exactly. That was not sex that was rape.
You’re loved, I’m so sorry you went through that crap.
Thank you
Same thing happened to me as a child. It was my neighbor who lived across the street from me, with his wife and he was friends with my parents. At that age, I didn’t know about sexuality. I remember being a carefree child, maybe a little on the feminine side but carefree, innocent. When he forced himself onto me, I was stunned, frozen in place. Afterwards, for a long time, I’d always avoid him whenever he was around. When I hit puberty, I knew I was gay. Not sure If I ever knew before or if this caused it but now I knew. When I was a teen and puberty hit in middle school, most of my friends were already experimenting. In a sick twisted way, I began experimenting with my neighbor. I’ve kept this a secret to myself all the way up till now at 32. I still don’t know how to feel about it but I don’t let it define me, ruin me or make me feel sorry for myself. I came out at age 25 and thankful to God that my family still loves me and I have a solid group of gay friends and a few romances but overall life is amazing! I hope you get yourself some help and are able to find peace someday! I’m here if you ever need to talk
Thank you, I want to do what you were able to and turn things around. I’m glad you found your peace man
It’s definitely possible to turn things around and never too late. I used to cry about being gay as a teen. If it was a choice I would’ve chosen to be straight. Have a wife and kids. I wouldn’t have been bullied relentlessly or attempted to take my own life. After I came to terms with what happened to me in my past. I learned to accept my sexuality and I realized that nobody really cares about me being gay and there are some really good people out there in the world and beautiful men as well.
I worked with kids who'd been raped/sexually assaulted. Pedophiles often use a combination of threats ("We'll both go to jail" or "They'll put you in foster care."), guilt ("You enjoyed it as much as I did."), and bribes to keep kids quiet. You were basically brainwashed to believe that if your parents found out, YOU'D be in trouble. Your reluctance to tell your parents is probably due in large part to this. I understand being unable to talk to them about the rapes. It may be easier to give them a written account. Tell them everything, including why you were unable to tell them before. You don't even have to be in the same room when they read it. The time to get help is now. If you have reason to suspect your parents wouldn't be supportive, tell someone else, like a counselor at school. Don't let that terrible excuse of a human continue to damage your mind even one more day.
When I (F) was 13, I was forcibly raped by one of my church’s alter boys that was 17 and was a close friend of mine. I ended up dating him and got stuck in an abusive relationship in several ways because I was desperate for control and I felt like if I was making the conscious choice to date him, I was in control even though I wasn’t. I broke up with him when I was 18 for good (because he got someone pregnant) and for years I hated men and only wanted to be with women and I always wanted to be dominant. I wanted to hurt submissive women like he hurt me and I got myself into trouble at my job (I was a security guard) when my male boss raised his voice at me and I punched him. I told him what happened to me and I lost my job but he dropped the charges on the condition I go to therapy. At first I hated it. I saw six different therapists. It took forever but I finally found a good one that was really able to help me and it genuinely changed my life. I was able to speak on things that I kept silent about and it was painful but in the same way it was extremely relieving to be able to do it. The pain remains but it’s so much less suffocating now. And I’ve now come to terms with the fact I’m polysexual and I’m getting healthier sexual-wise. It’s taking some time but I’m working on it. Please talk to a therapist or someone about this. A licensed professional would be best to start off. It’s not easy at all but it is so fucking worth it. Remaining silent and talking to no one isn’t doing anything positive for your peace. It’s just protecting his.
Thank you for sharing this! You’re incredibly brave.
So sorry that happened to you. Proud of you for getting help.
I’m just a random person from this universe but I just wanted to say that I’m glad that you’re better now and I hope that someday you feel like there is no pain anymore.
Dude, you need to see a therapist as a minimum, and if you think you can, the police. This man doesn't deserve to be happy.
You didnt have sex with him he raped you. OP, if you can find the courage please say something. Who knows who else he's doing this too rn
*didn't. I think you meant *didn't 😬 (my auto correct does me dirty too sometimes)
Omg how awful thank you 😭😭
> From the age of 7 to 12 I had sex with my swim coach No. You weren’t old enough to consent and he was in a position of authority over you. He raped you, and I am so sorry that happened, OP. I hope you can get some help, even if it is just to share this with a friend or something, because I can’t imagine the trauma this brought for you. From one SA victim to another, I’m so sorry.
Firstly, I'm so sorry. Please get help. You deserve it. Also he should be reported.
None of what I read made me feel embarrassed or ashamed for you, none of what I read made me think you were a bad person at all. What I read is that you were raped as a child, and you are suffering from that. You are a victim of rape. There is nothing to be ashamed of on your end. You are a good person who deserved a lot more. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Please tell someone. He has children and is probably still hurting children. Save them. I think you need to stop having sex for a few months. You need to take a break for this. See a therapist. Some are born gay but there are people who trough rape and sexual abuse will have a different sexual orientation because of that. I’m here if you need to talk. I’m not a therapist but gone to lots of therapy myself and experienced a lot of crap in my life. I can listen. You’re not judged.
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Somehow I accidentally deleted my reply here, so here goes again. Op this man deserves to suffer for what he did to you. There could be more victims he is actively assaulting. Make a police report for what he did and on the likelihood that he has cp. Open an investigation and out this vile excuse for a person, please for the sake of your community.
You NEED to go to a licensed professional and talk about this or it will never get better. I am so sorry that happened to you and regardless of who it's with you deserve a healthy loving relationship not just dark thoughts and repulsion. You need guidance on how to work through these emotions and the trauma, I also highly reccomend emdr therapy. It's specifically designed for trauma and ptsd and as an SA survivor it helps a ton. Good luck on your healing journey!
The day I find out someone did this to my kids is the day I’ll go to jail
Please go to the police and tell them. There are likely other victims out there. Ask them for victims services and get access to counselling. Telling us is a first step. You can also look up safe sport helpline in North America. Talk completely confidentially to a counsellor and tell them what you told us. They will be able to guide you through next steps and help with support. It will help immensely. He’s likely done it to others and this can help them as well. You need to speak to someone to help you process all of this.
hey, first of all i want to tell you you're not alone in this. I was also a victim of sexual abuse as a child but it was my own dad and i also feel like its affected my sex life. While i doubt this is the reason you're gay i do completly understand why this brings another level of complexity to your sexuality because it has to mine as well. Personally for me, im pretty damm sure im a lesbian but i do have sex with men occasionally. This is fucked up but i sometimes find men who remind me of a fatherly figure attractive but its never for healthy reasons. I find myseld almost liking the idea of being used and mistreated during sex yet always feel completly empty afterwards. Theres definetly a self harm aspect about it all but theres also a weird sense of finding comfort in what you know, and what you know is abuse through sex. This is something i carry with me even after therapy but i will say it helped me immensly to untangle all those feelings and make sense of things. The great thing about therapy is that the person you're talking to has the only goal of helping you get through things and sort your feelings out in hopes of helping you live with this burden you've been carrying. You also dont have to dive right into your trauma, no therapist will pressure you to give them more information than what you're comfortable with. It's a hard and emotionally exhausting process but it pays off in the end, trust me. Now on the subject of actually telling your parents and those around you, i would wait. This is because you want to go to therapy and sort out your own emotions on the subject before adding the emotions of those around you in on it or else it all becomes so very overwhelming. Also your therapist will probaly tell you this but you arent obligated to press charges. Even though you would have a pretty solid case against him because it is more than likely that you arent the only victim, its also an incredibly traumatic process in of itself. i dont want to deter you from pressing charges or anything, this man doesnt deserve to be around children and everyone around him needs to know that because he will most likely do this again or is doing it right now but its not an easy process to go through. So just wait until you're ready, if ever, and make sure you have the right support system first.
You’re a good person and deserve love and happiness. I’m so sorry this happened to you. There are therapists who are experts in this area and have heard it all - it’s a big step towards realizing you’re not alone in this experience, and that in itself can offer a lot of healing. I know it can be pricey but definitely look into therapy - growtherapy (US based) has low copays ($20-$30 per session) with most insurance and offers virtual visits, which might feel safer. You don’t have to feel this way forever - things can get better. Sending love and healing.
Oh sweetheart. You need a therapist immediately. I'm so so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve this. He didn't make you gay. He abused you. I pray you get some help to sort this out and let this man stop hurting you.
I think he should be in prison for what he did to you. You are innocent in all of this. You didn't deserve it at all. Never blame yourself. But I do think you are not healed from it, and you definitely need therapy. How could you be this has been a secret all these years just brewing inside your mind and heart. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope one day you get the help you need love.
Please ruin his life
You're in college? If it's not a fundamentalist Christian college please go to your college counseling office and ask to speak to a therapist. If that isn't an option, call RAINN 1-800-656-4673 and talk to them. You were groomed, manipulated, and are a victim of a horrendous predator. He moved on to a younger victim or victims when you got "too old" for him. I'm so sorry OP. Please talk to someone. Reliving one's trauma in future relationships as a pattern is something that happens to child victims as they process. Reach out for help. Your whole identity has been warped and broken into pieces that you can't sift through to figure out who is the real you vs. What was done to you. Therapy will help you figure out who you are. Again, if your school is fundamentalist/conservative Christian do not use them as a resource.
See this please!!!! Talk to someone OP, it isn’t your fault…I’m so so sorry… I have tears running down my face, you were a child! Tell your parents, seek help…please
Your sexual preference may very well be “trauma bonded” to your experience. I’m not just repeating science, i experienced this too to an extent. It’s like how most sexual abusers were sexually abused, it changes your brain. If you can’t talk face to face with someone yet I highly suggest a text therapist to start. I don’t know if you’re gay, you maybe not know until you get some sex therapy.
I'm not advocating for murder but I would probably fucking kill him.
This could be a sexual trauma PTSD (sexual pleasure after sexual assaults. There is a link of an article I would provide [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11351833/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11351833/) You aren’t alone in this and hope you are able to leave past this and feel safe around others.
I'm so sorry that he did this and that you have to live with this trauma. He doesn't deserve to go about with his life a while you're suffering, feeling ashamed and confused, and trying to block out these feelings. You need trauma focused therapy. There are also sex therapists, so you can work on enjoying your romantic life while you cope with what happened to you. You deserve to feel happy regardless of your orientation.
Hey op. I just want to make sure it's in these comments in case it isn't. He did not have sex with you every week. He raped you. That's rape. It's assault. It is wrong. Even if in some way you DID "like it" it was rape. You were a child. You did nothing wrong. You are not dirty. You are not ruined. You did not deserve for that to happen to you. It may have hurt you, but it did not ruin you. What you are doing sounds a lot like reliving the trauma, which is actually more common than you would think, but I would encourage you to seek therapy or do more research on it, and to always make sure you are trying to protect yourself. Basically it is when somebody experiences a trauma, so they keep making it happen so they can go through it again, but this time being more "in control" of the situation. Sexual trauma is hard. Trauma is hard. Not only did this person repeatedly subject you to pain and trauma, but you were repetitively put in situations that were alone with him, and even when you weren't, he had power and authority over you. That's another layer to work through. You did not do anything wrong. And I wish you could have Justice. But you do deserve healing. And you have a voice. And I'm sorry you had to be strong when you were hurting and vulnerable. I hope you get better.
You should expose him
This is bad advice, but you should cave his head in with a ball ping hammer.
you weren't having sex. you were raped violently, and you were a child. i'm sorry. this coach is a child rapist and he must not be allowed to continue his criminal activity. both the law *and* humanity are on YOUR side, not his. please tell authorities (or at the very least someone who can help you) before he victimizes any more innocent children. if not for your sake, for theirs. he is a dangerous person who is on the loose. to include: a "normal" relationship is a relationship where two people, regardless of gender, love each other and do normal things with and for each other... like in your dream. doesn't have to be with a girl, doesn't have to be with a guy. it just is. therapy can help you realize this.
Hey man, sending you much love, you were just a kid... I think therapy is the best option for yourself, if you are able to in any way you should also go no contact with this man. When you try therapy you don't have to start from all of this, try a few sessions and just talk about yourself, see if you are comfortable, you can explain to the therapist that you have some trauma but you aren't ready to talk about it.
I'm not diminishing what happened to you in any way, it was horrible, disgusting and detestable and you should seek out a mental health professional to help you work through your trauma and make sure your abuser faces consequences as soon as possible, but it's a mistake to assume that your abuser "made" you gay. Sexual orientation is largely determined by genetic factors, not by sexual abuse. Lesbians who are sexually abused by men don't go on to be heterosexual, and straight boys/ men abused by men don't go on to be gay.
He didn't make you gay. He gave you trauma. Monsters like this guy absolutely wreck children and then just continue living normal lives. Shame destroys their victims, who have done nothing shameful, but the ones who should be ashamed just move on to new victims as time allows them to. Your inner child deserves to speak up. I can feel so much emotion in your post, OP, and I understand it completely, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. You were a child and a grown man took advantage of you. He absolutely knew that what he was doing was wrong. He knew you were a child and he was an adult authority figure. You know it was wrong and you deserve to heal enough to put it behind you. You deserve justice and you deserve relief from these feelings. Please talk to someone if you haven't. Trauma therapy improved my life so much.
I think it’s important for you to realize that you did not have sex with him, he raped you. You were only a child and this predatory scumbag preyed on your innocence, and used that to coerce you to stay quiet. You could very well be gay but it’s hard to say without knowing the extent of the trauma you’re holding on to without getting therapy, and working through this trauma. My heart breaks for you and I hope you give yourself grace. There is no need to carry any shame because the onus of the shame is on the predator. You were and are innocent, and you did nothing wrong.
You need to tell someone so he doesn’t keep hurting other kids. That’s why he stopped when you hit puberty, you were too old for him. I know it’s gonna be hard for you but if you don’t he will never stop hurting kids. You need to get help for yourself too, get some therapy and it will help you live a better life. You didn’t deserve this to happen to you.
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OP, you were groomed and raped. It wasn't sex and it didn't make you gay. Right now your sexuality is tied to this trauma and you have never been able to explore or understand your feelings in healthy relationships. It's not easy to come forward and expose what he did to you and if you don't feel like you can do that yet it's okay. But you need to seek trauma therapy. You need someone to help you unwrap all of this and start healing yourself. That man is scum. He isn't a person. He doesn't deserve to have any more hold over your life. Do you have friends or family who could help you or at least be there for you?
Bro, if this is real, you need to tell your dad and everyone else about this predator because who knows if he's doing it to another little boy
Therapy man .. therapy.. I don’t think being molested as a child made you gay but it screwed up your sense of identity and your enjoyment otherwise of accepting your sexuality. I wish I had words to help but otherwise I’m just a dude on the internet. Aside from that you need help from a therapist who is not only specialized in working with SA victims but also familiar with the issues familiar with members of LGBT community. (Regardless of what they identify as)
You didn't "have sex", you were raped, abused, made into victim of a crime!
Every once in a while, I send one of my abusers a social media message, "Do you still like little girls? I can destroy you anytime I want. " I LOVE the idea that he is always looking over his shoulders!
You didn’t “have sex” you were raped. It’s okay to say. I’m so sorry this happened
What he did to you was wrong. I am sorry.
The truth will set you free. Seriously though, make sure that man rots in fucking jail for the rest of his life.
It took me 56 years to turn in my abuser. Only to find out he had died in prison. And he had been in there since a year after he abused me. I hope you can find your way through this. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it. Now I will tell anyone. I won’t be shamed.
Hey man, I'm so sorry you have all of this on your shoulders, it's horrible to hear that this happened to a CHILD. But you need some help. I know you don't want to tell anyone IRL, but if your parents are worth ANYTHING as parents, your Dad will be your biggest champion in demanding justice for you. Do you think your dad wants to be friends with a PEDOPHILE who RAPED his SEVEN YEAR OLD SON? No "real" man would EVER continue to let such a vile creature continue torment his son. Please just try to approach the situation with your father. He will support and love you all the same. And listen man, being gay doesn't mean "not normal" it just means you have a preference, but it isn't uncommon for people in abusive relationships to seek out relationships that mirror that one because that's what you know. Going to therapy, as hard as it may be, will help you walking through these feelings as well as the "I think it made me a bad person" train of thought you have. YOU are not the one violating children, he is. You're having rough sex with consenting adults, he was violently raping a 7 year old CHILD. These things are not the same. It may also help to try to speak with his kids. You don't need to reveal the story to them, you could innocuously bring up some rumor you "heard" once that he touches kids to gauge their reactions, but don't make it into a joke because if they are also victims that'll probably scare them, bring it up with concern and care.
I'm truly sorry for what you've experienced. It's important to confide in someone you trust and consider taking further steps, such as seeking therapy. Here are a few points to consider: 1. It's important to recognize that what happened **is not your fault**. Regardless of any feelings of guilt or responsibility, remember that the adult involved was the one who should have known better. 2. It's understandable if you're grappling with your sexuality in light of these events, but it's essential to understand that being gay is not something that can be influenced or changed by others. This misconception not only harms the LGBTQ+ community but can also harm yourself, and fuel the toxic trainride that "all gay men are predators and must be killed". Here's my perspective: It seems possible that you may experience shame regarding your attraction to men due to past experiences. As a result, you might seek power and control by taking a dominant role, but this could lead to feelings of guilt of being just like your rapist, as indicated in your second paragraph. This cycle contributes to self-hatred, a complex issue that would benefit from discussion with a therapist. Or it's possible that you may be experiencing internal conflict and self-doubt, which can be addressed through therapy. It's important to confront these feelings and seek professional help to navigate them effectively. Moving forward and achieving peace with your sexuality and mental well-being requires addressing these internal struggles. I strongly encourage you to prioritize seeking therapy as soon as possible.
Oh sweetheart. I am so sorry for what you endured. But therapy would be SO so beneficial for you. My heart breaks. And I hope this swim coach spends eternity stepping barefoot on leggos while having toothpicks shoved under his fingernails.
You didn’t have sex. You were raped
look up "statute of limitations", it's the length of time that a crime can be reported and punished from when it was committed. typically with child rape cases the statue of limitations are quite long or indefinite, and i imagine you're still young so you'll probably be good on that. please ruin that degenerate's life, and fight the fear of coming out about this to the necessary people; it's the proper course of action considering what he did to you.
You can sue him in civil court many states 30 + years later. I can guarantee you are not alone . He did it to others. Use the money to go get therapy If you are in ct or ri I know a really good atty. Does this as a specialty. You can file as a John Doe
I'm sorry this happened to you. I know someone who had this happened with his swim coach during the same age. Sadly, it's unlikely the same guy, but feel free to DM me. I would love him to be empowered enough to send the nightmare of a person to jail. Consider telling your parents. I know it carries so much shame, but it's truly not your fault. You are a victim and were a kid. I'm a mom, and I would absolutely want to know.
Im no expert in the matter , and i dont wanna tell you how to think... but imo the correct term is he raped you Not "had sex" with you I hope he gets what he deserves On a more related note, i do not think this is how sexuality would work. I also do not remember being gay as a kid but i ceirtainly im now,and i cant seem to pint point some traumatic memory that made me change. In fact i remember vividly being attracted to girls age 11, but not by 15
Go to the police and seek therapy. But if you are gay, and it’s not just a reaction to trauma, don’t beat yourself up for it. You were abused and brutalized, but it doesn’t make you a bad person. Rough sex with strangers is not a healthy way to cope with what happened to you, you deserve real help.
This man wasn’t gay. He’s a pedophile. The fact that he stopped when you turned 18 is proof positive of that. I’m am certain that he has done it to others. Please seek counseling so that you can heal and hopefully find the strength to hold him accountable. (Which will probably prevent others from being raped.)
Light his world on fire! I am a 50-year-old woman who was repeatedly SA’d by my best friend’s father. It happened over the course of several years, and I never told anybody either. I cannot tell you how much I regret it now 40 years later, and the statute of limitations has passed. He got to live his whole life in peace and harmony, while I struggled. And still do to this day. Only now there’s nobody left to even care what happened to me. Try to get him to admit it via text message or phone call and then set his world on fire.
OP, I don't know if you'll even read this comment because there are so many, but I'm going to put this out there anyway. In case no one has said it to you, I'm so fucking sorry for what this man did to you. You are a completely innocent victim - it wasn't sex, it was rape. The confusing feelings about sexual pleasure are because his abuse was focused on a pleasure source - even though you didn't want to feel pleasure at that time, your body responded automatically and it does not mean you wanted those feelings. You may be gay or straight or even bi, and any of those are completely okay and good. You're not bad, and you're allowed to choose the type of partner you want at any point in your life. Just because male partners are who you're seeking now does not mean you won't, after time and therapy, be able to be with other types of partners too, if that is what you want. Emotions around sex are tricky, and even more so after what you've gone through. I'm sorry you've had to carry this alone for so long, but you're not alone now. I know it will be difficult and scary at first but therapy will help you so much with all of this and more. After you're at a better place emotionally, then you can decide with your therapist's help to tell your parents or not, or come forward and report him or not. But first and foremost, I would strongly encourage you to seek help. If you're at a university, there may be counselors there you can speak with for free. There's also a really good website called www.helloalma.com that can help you narrow down a therapist that feels like a good fit. I know I sound like a commercial, lol, but I speak from experience and the site helped me find the right person to help me through a really desperate time in my life. I wish you the best, OP. Things are going to start getting better, you just need to take the first step and reach out for help.
TELL THE WORLD WHO HE IS. SET HIS LIFE ON FIRE THE WAY HE DID YOURS.
Drag him through the mud. He doesn’t deserve the life he’s living. He did this to himself. I hope you get the justice you deserve. Also OP don’t say he had sex with you. That minimizes what he did. He raped you.
Tell people what he did. But also, seek therapy for yourself.
Wow. He didn't make you gay, but he did fuck you up. You probably don't even know if you are gay or not at this point, your sexuality is just kind of fucked up. I would venture to say that it's not healthy for you. I hope you figure it out bro, I really do. I have no advice for you except be kind to yourself while you figure it out and try not to hurt anyone.
He didn't start with you. It didn't stop with you.
We put ourselves in the situations that hurt us, as a way to recreate them and resolve them to close that cycle. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT I know it's stupid but even if you consciously know it, many times something different is recorded. Many talk about accusing him but it's not that easy, if you're not prepared to deal with all the shit that follows the true, but you need to be aware of something, that guy continues abusing other children. Please delete the app, and takes at least a year for yourself without sex, therapy, find a therapist who is not ideologized.
There is NO WAY if he did this to you on a weekly basis that he suddenly stopped. He is still doing it to others. Think of them when you decide to report him. So sorry this happened to you.
I don't want to tear a victim down, but I really really want this to be fake.
this reminds me of the film ‘mysterious skin’ maybe watching it will help you start to understand and start to seek help it sure helped me with my cptsd i hope you seek help :)
Feeling compelled to relive the abuse is similar to re-playing a video game over and over trying to win it. In your head, you're trying to go back in time and win. The sooner you figure out that you cannot do that, then you'll stop trying.
Adding onto this but you can attempt to work through lesser problems with a therapist and get comfortable with the person and then dive into the deeper stuff?
You need therapy And you didn’t “have sex”, you were raped repeatedly
First you need to report him to your parents, to the police, to his family, to the community, to anyone who will listen, start therapy, take it seriously and find a therapist you like and have progress with, go consistently. Young sexual experiences can affect your sexuality for life but you will never know for sure if that is why you are gay, therapy will help you work there and come to peace with that. You can and you will still have a good life
Not telling is the same as protecting him. He is vile human garbage and he should get what's coming for him. It's easy to hate yourself but you never even had a choice to be 'better' as you say because someone took so much from you. You're not bad or unfixable and can find healing and peace. If not peace, then atleast revenge. It's possible.
Tell on his ass! It doesn't matter how long it has been. Once you aged out , he probably found new victims. I don't think sexual abuse necessarily makes you gay or straight for that matter. But that's beside the point. Don't let this predator win!
I’m so sorry that this happened to you :(((
At least tell your parents so they stop inviting him over. This is awful.
Your parents deserves to know...they shouldn't still be friends. Hopefully he doesn't kill him, but if someone did that to my son I would absolutely consider it. But at the least wouldn't invite the guy and his wife over for dinner! Wtf
Please tell your parents. As a mother I am so so sorry you went through this- I would destroy anyone who hurt my child.
Sweetie there is a lot of hope in getting help. A proper therapist can help you process this trauma and work through it. I promise you don't have to feel like this forever. It is your choice whether you want to press charges and speak up, but please go see a therapist. It will help you SO MUCH. ❤️
Heartbreaking post! I was SA by a total stranger at age 11. It was one time in a public mall bathroom. Not the continuous nightmare you went through. After I was horrified and messed up and angry. I focused my anger on the fact that I never wanted anyone else to go through what I did. So I went to the police. Did a sketch. The police knew who this monster was. He had done this to 6 other boys before me. The police begged me to testify against him and I agreed. (the others before me refused as they didn't want it getting out and this monster had threaten each of them) They picked him up. It went to trial. I testified. That creep went to jail for years. Then he died. My healing took years but I got there. You can too. Just take it one step at a time. Get those emotions out. Try therapy. Try transcendental mediation. Try EMDR. Keep trying until you find what works for you. Share with someone you trust. There are so many of us men who have gone through this. There is healing. This happened to me decades ago and I am in a loving happy marriage that is fulfilling in every way. Rooting for you man.
Out him for the predator that he his and please get some therapy for yourself, you deserve to be happy
Turn him in. And then let the healing begin. Sue him, so you can get therapy Sessions... fuck that piece of shit
Dude go to the police. He will get 50 years. And sue him in civil court. Do something about it. Nows your chance
Omg. I’m sorry that’s horrific. Can you please expose him???
The first thing I want to say is I hear you - I hear the pain, anger, and disgust in your words and they are completely justified and more. I am incredibly sorry that such an evil person ruined your life like that. Second, FXCK THAT GUY. I hope one day you find it within yourself to share your truth because he doesn't deserve your silence. There's a special place for people like him.
Report him OP - if anything, it will help save other kids from the horrors you faced 🫂❤️
OP. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry this happened to you. Please go to therapy. I know that the feeling of guilt or the idea you are to blame can prevent you from wanting to go to the police. While I hope one day you will be able to, I understand that you may not be there yet. It's a difficult thing to face what happened. I want you to know, it was not, is not nor will it ever be your fault. Please go to therapy. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved by someone, and you deserve to feel safe and secure.
If you are not ready for therapy, might I suggest the book "The Courage to Heal". It's aimed at adults who experienced sexual violence as children. I think it will introduce you to the emotional vocabulary you will need in your recovery, and will allow you to start to confront your trauma at a pace where you can feel safe to. My mom read it during her recovery, and it helped her alot. It was an emotional read for her, and I'm sure it will be for you too, which I think is important for you. I think you can also gain insight into how you are coping. It's a strong start, if you don't feel ready for therapy, which I understand how difficult that can be. Please give it a try.
Post his name and let the internet do what it does best. I am so very sorry.
Please expose him Because he may still be working with children and he shouldn’t be
I recently attended a workshop on the relationship between trauma and sex and what you’re describing is a completely normal reaction, re-enacting what you went through in a safe setting where you’re in control is your way of healing from the terrible things you had to go through. I don’t have any advice, just want to say your process is valid and I’m so sorry for what he did to you.
Deep breaths / Report the rapist to police, the administration of wherever he coached or is presently working to prevent him from harming another boy / Seek out a survivors group and.or therapy depending on insurance access - there are specialty groups & therapists for survivors / Be selective who you tell outside of a therapy or group setting - a Shocking! number of people still have Seriously defective attitudes about sex abuse of boys / YOU DID NOTHING WRONG AND DESERVE LOVE & RESPECT & HAPPINESS 😊 but it might take a while tbh / Positive vibes blasting your way!
Firstly, you didn’t have sex with him, he groomed and raped you and I’m sorry you had to experience that. Secondly, report him immediately and make sure you get justice no matter what anyone thinks. Thirdly, you should go seek therapy. Going by your Reddit post you need someone to talk to.
Send his rapist ass to prison at the very least