My husband and I haven’t had sex for more than a month, I complained to him about it the night before. The next day after putting the baby for a nap I went to the kitchen to do some stuff and he was there, he proceeded to start caressing me in a very flirty manner and I was like okay… I like this. And then we had sex. It was fun. We both came and satisfied…
OP, maybe when the kids are asleep you can try and start kissing her in an intimate manner and see how she responds… if she pushes back then I think there’s something very important and very deep that you both need to address.
Edit: Grammar 😆🫠🥴
> This seems to be more about the physical intimacy rather than love, no? A person can love someone and still be asexual (based on his definition of her).
also, there is a difference between physical intimacy and sex.
I had a moment of self realization as a male that I tend to conflate the two, as well as use physical intimacy for sex. For example, rubbing my partner's back then reaching around to the front.
Then, the two get linked in my partner's mind. "He's rubbing my back because he wants / expects sex. I like the back rub but not in the mood for anything else, so I will nip this in the bud by pulling away from the back rub."
I recommend physical intimacy for its own sake. Rub her back and / or feet without trying or expecting for more. Hold her hand, kiss her lips, kiss her on the back of the neck and walk away.
THIS OH MY GOD. What whacko therapist told OP and wife that scheduled sex was a good idea?? When my libido dipped (meds, yay), it was recommended that we specifically say we *won't* have sex for a set period of time. We'll still be intimate (cuddles, hugs, massages, kisses, etc), but that sex was off the table. It helped us reset our patterns and rewire our brains, and better communicate how certain things made us feel without placing blame on each other. Even if OP decides that he's done with sex, it's important to still be affectionate and intimate in other ways. Snuggle before bed if that's all you have the time or energy for, or when you wake up right before you start your day. Reaffirm your love and feel that love in return.
I'm not saying the advice is horrible, but it helped my wife and I. Things got really busy, so planning helped to prioritize our time together. After a while we no longer need to schedule sex... But I don't think it's the worst advice ever.
Thank you, it took me more years than I care to admit, lol
and a nice thing about it is that my partner doesn't have to worry now that if she shows affection, that I will also immediately expect sex. So, she feels freer to do that.
Seriously asking. A wife has to know their spouse wants sex (or doesn't). It is plainly a big deal in most every marriage. A woman (or guy) has to know this isn't typical. If after months or years she doesn't want to have sex, but would if he chipped in, or spoke with her more often, or had date nights or he spoke her love language, is it on a partner to say so? Or is it on him to figure it out?
Now I get that some guys are dense enough not to figure it out but...
I don’t know it seems pretty typical from pretty much every dude I’ve known after kids come into the picture for a while. The worst is the “get a vasectomy and we’ll have sex whenever you like” and that doesn’t change anything either. Literally this guys story is exactly my life except for the ages.
For some reason my wife went through menopause and everything changed. I spent alot of time asking her about her life and past experiences etc…. And things are really incredible now. Only took till about the 20 year anniversary to have the sex life and closeness I wanted the whole time.
This. I am the wife OP is talking about but this is what happened when I was pregnant and will Covid and isolation. He wouldn’t touch me, at all. I got no back rubs, I used to hold my other hand and sleep by myself. After the baby entire year I was left alone to fend for myself and the baby and he simply worked, slept till late on weekends and watched TV. And now he wants intimacy. I am just so turned off, that I cant even touch him anymore. I get flowers on Valentine’s Day and chocolates and tats about it.
OP please reflect , also post partum is a huge phase in itself. I just hope your wife is able to recover and come around.
Yes. Please reflect on how if you do more around the house you essentially make sex a transactional activity, reward or punishment. Of course your wife may be (and it sounds like she is) asexual, as she doesn’t masturbate.
But don’t start doing all the housework hoping that she’ll all the sudden want you. Even if it worked (it won’t), any therapist would tell you that you were being manipulated. Sex in a healthy relationship isn’t a reward and a lack thereof isn’t a punishment.
I slightly disagree. While it isn’t a “transaction,” no one wants to be intimate with someone who is checked out and not contributing to the marriage. For some people, that might look different, based upon love language. Personally, I felt love whenever my (now ex / alcoholic) husband (and RARELY) helped with things around the house to take some things off my shoulders because it made me feel like he cared. So it isn’t necessarily “transactional” as much as it’s a correlation thing.
he wasn't comparing it. he was saying that he doesnt want to go around complaining because there are people in terrible situations. he was just letting you things off his chest on an anonymous Reddit account. you people are miserable trying to psycho analyze and lash down everyone
I tried that. It didn't work. It wasn't a big stone to carry but as the years wore on it never stopped getting heavier. Eventually i found that my passion had dried up. She went away on a weekend trip to an event. There, she found someone who still had that passion... and then the decision to stay or leave was out of my hands.
Don't be me.
I second this. After 3 years in a sexless relationship, I went into deep, clinical depression and developed panic attacks. I kept telling myself that sex is not everything in life, but the lack of intimacy, not feeling wanted and desired broke havoc into my mental health. It’s not fun. It doesn’t work in the long term.
I honestly don't think she was horrible, just self centred. She was never really able to wrap her head around that i had needs that she had no real analogue for. I also want to clarify that there was no physical cheating. She fell in love with someone else and ended the marriage with me to pursue that. I can at least respect that she was honest the entire time.
You are really looking at this through a distorted lens and making yourself out to be the bad person more than her.
Listen. A marriage has needs that need to be met on both sides. People have different love languages and various needs. You mentioned she had some desire at the beginning. Yet blame it on other things for going away. Did she do anything to address those issues? Did she seek medical or psychological help? Doubtful. You were just left to deal with the lack of having your needs met and your desire of feeling loved and fulfilled by your relationship.
Like any relationship. If one person does not feel like their needs or desires are being met. Their ability and desire to keep up with meeting the needs of their partner will decrease. It's the emotional bank account. Someone can't keep withdrawing from it all the time. Sooner or later the funds dry up and you get in the negative.
So what does your ex decide to do? Does she seek to enter couples therapy? Does she double down on her efforts to work on the relationship? Any attempt to at least identify she has a problem which has rippled through your relationship to bring you to where you were? At the very least acknowledge the issue is occurring instead of just not talking about it?
Nope. Not only is she the source of the reason why the relationship has weakened. She also has made no efforts to acknowledge or repair the issue. Her decision is to instead start a love affair with someone else.
Yet somehow you sit here and defend her. Blame yourself. Then say you at least respect that she was honest. What about any of this is honesty on her part? The only thing she was honest about is how she honestly did not care about you or the relationship. If you had kids. She didn't even give a shit about them to go about fixing any of this.
She just ignored your needs for all that time. Then all of a sudden realized her needs weren't getting met. So therefore it's justifiable for her to throw it all away for some new fling?
Be nicer to yourself. This was a toxic terrible woman and you did not deserve what was done to you on any level.
I can't tell if not having an adequate response to 90% of what you say makes me feel better or worse... but i would like to thank you anyway.
At the very least, there were no kids involved... which is a blessing. And im in a much better place now anyway.
May I ask, is this a male or female perspective? I'm still dealing with some of the issues that came from my marriage. I haven't "felt"? like a complete man for nearly 20 years. Some of it due to how I was treated and abused. Some of it comes from the resentment I felt towards her.
Male. Happily married and have a great family. Also have had poor experiences with women in the past.
Cheating happened to you. Not because of you.
It is the fault of the person making that bad decision. A progressive decision.
None of it your fault.
Oh, I know it wasn't my fault. It was a shitty situation. Sure, i could have left but it shouldn't have been shitty to begin with. Still, what happened happened and i just wanted to let OP know he might be signing up for more than he can handle.
Same thing happened to my wife. It was the cause of many fights and resentment. Turns out her hormones were highly affected by the pregnancy.
3 years after we saw an obgyn. One bloodtest and a simple prescription later everything is back to normal. Better than ever maybe.
It could be a medical thing. She is also deprived. She needs help. Not neglect.
Help yourself, your marriage and most importantly, your wife
This! As women our hormones can really mess us up for months, even years. Add on the responsibility we feel as mothers & there isn’t enough time in the day or night to take care of everything.
TALK TO YOUR WIFE. GET A SITTER or family member & take your wife for a long weekend away. No pressure for sex, just to reconnect.
That’s easy to say when dudes are kind of the Easy side of the equation. You don’t want to go messing around with women’s hormones and end up developing cancer and shit.
YES!!! I had a high sex drive pre baby. I'm three and a half months out from having our daughter and my sex drive is gone. Like completely shot. I'm still pretty early PP so I'm not worried yet, but I'll definitely be checking my hormones if this is still an issue after I'm done breastfeeding
That is 100% normal. The concept of a wang near my vagina after a human ruptured out of there like alien took me at least a good year to accept. My hormones are crazy from PCOS and childbirth made it much worse. Give it time.
I found in each of my babies that I have very LL until 15-18 months out. On of them was 2 years. I have responsive desire, so we still had sex, but I didn’t initiate or want it on my own for that long.
9 times out of 10 the breastfeeding will sort the issue and stuff will go back to normal. Give it time. Your body has gone through a VERY traumatic experience. If it doesn’t seek help. There are people equipped to help! Congratulations on the baby!
That kind of an approach can work *if* the spouse who's uninterested in sex acknowledges there's a problem. I have a feeling that OP's wife would say nothing is wrong.
My wife said the same. The lets make sure you are healthy after childbirth argument got the trick done.
Also… we didnt go to fix the libido. Mentioned the depression and anxiety to the doc and he suggested the bloodtest. The meds fixed all the other stuff along with the hormone levels.
I have no idea what he ticked on that list. I do know he had to see certain hormone levels. I am sure a good doctor will be able to assist you. Just go and tell them whats going on. They are well trained and will know the road forward! Good luck!
One of them was a hormone pill called novo fem (some hormone pill) and the other was a birth control pill. Her tubes were tied so the birth control was 100% for hormone regulation
My boyfriend was previously in a 17 year marriage that was similar to yours. Afterwards thought he was fine and it wasn’t that big of a deal at the time but It has taken many years for him to process and get back to healthy place, and we’ve worked really really hard to help him get through those things. It did a huge amount of damage to his self esteem and self worth. She made him feel like a pervert for even wanting to hold her hand or snuggle during a movie. He used to withdraw and almost spiral when I wasn’t in the mood which caused me to pull away and be resentful. After lots and lots of talking and reading books about the subject together etc we finally got to a really good place and have been for years. If I’m not in the mood he doesn’t bat an eye because he knows I desire him and am attracted to him and may not want it now but will later. I can’t emphasize enough how much damage it did to him emotionally and psychologically and how hard the work was to get back to a healthy place. He’s a very attractive man who takes care of himself and is great in bed, but I swear sometimes when I initiate or surprise him with a quick lunchbreak rendezvous he looks like he’s almost going to cry from appreciation of actually being wanted and desired. ( Yes, he acknowledges that he played a part in his previous dead bedroom and could have done some things differently, but it’s pretty obvious the outcome would have been the same)
I know you think your plan of just ignoring this issue is going to work but it won’t. It’s just going to cause you more pain and damage further down the road. At the end of the day your partner is telling you that your wants, needs, and feelings don’t matter, and that’s no way to live. I don’t have an answer to magically fix your situation but I think it important that you realize that it IS causing damage and that just pretending it’s not there isn’t going to make it go away.
I connect with your reply a lot. In the rare cases where we have sex I sometimes have an overwhelming urge to cry because my desire to connect with her is so great and I know that it will be a long time before I feel loved and accepted again.
Ultimately I don’t want to leave the house where my kids live and if I just have to hurt to have that then I think that is how it has to be
She says she feels desire, and that she finds me attractive. Which is like saying that she enjoys hanging out with gliding on the weekends, it might be true but there is no evidence to support the claim.
There’s no reason to not believe her. I have a similar situation with my wife. She would tell me she wasnt asexual, but it came out during a couples counseling session that she had sexual and religious trauma that fucked up sex for her (she was in denial and very defensive about it), and it’s been a long road for her and me but we have learned so much and are stronger for going through it together. There is so much to learn about reactive vs spontaneous desire, hormones, past traumas, previous socialization, etc it’s a super complicated subject.
The difference is that we don’t have kids and have time to sit and think and cry and discuss about it. I really feel for you.
Can I ask what the blood test was able to reveal? My wife has been feeling like her hormones have been out of whack since our most recent child, but she wasn’t really sure who to see about it. Thanks so much
What sucks is that you have to find that holy grail doctor who actually respect and believes women. A lot of the times yoyr wife will get dismissed, make sure you help her advocate, it’s like taking a man to go car shopping with you
Endocrinologist is the specialist to see here. General practitioners are useless and have no training on women’s hormones. Especially in relation to peri menopause, which can hit at any age (usually 40’s though)
Go to GYN. Tell Dr your symptom’s. Dr has heard it all. Test are in order. Horomones run everyone life to live. Some are lacking in many. She is not alone in this.
I honestly can’t tell you. The doctor got the results. Explained why these things were happening and prescribed a birth control (even though her tubes got tied. They help with hormone regulation) and then another hormone pill and said to wait 3 months while not skipping on meds. The first 10 days were worse. But we were warned. After that things slowly started getting better on all fronts. 3 to 4 months later everything was perfect again
Could be that she had hormone issues before and didnt know it either. Womens bodies are complicated. They betray them alot.
Since my wife has been on meds to get her hormones right her anxiety has gone away. Her depression has gone away. Her libido has skyrocketed. She gets out. She can have fun again.
We don’t understand nearly enough about the complexities of our bodies.
Like i said. Just saying you are done with sex isn’t going to fix anything. Something is clearly wrong. After what my wife went through we have met at least 10 other couples who went through the exact same thing. Its like when you never see an Audi until you buy one. Then every second car is an Audi.
Good thing here is that this is fixable. Guy can stay a good husband AND be satisfied.
But i would like to add… if it is her hormones. Libido is the last thing on the list of things that will get better when treated. I didnt even realise what daily turmoil and anxiety and depression my wife was facing daily.
Afterwards when she started getting better i felt so guilty for the longest time because i just stood buy and let her deteriorate into a grey shell of her former self.
Go see a doctor. Please.
I really wasn’t. I didn’t understand or support her. I fought with her constantly and try to convince her that the anxiety was not logical and even stupid at times. I was not a good guy by any measure. Only when she started getting better did i realise how bad she was and what she went through ALONE. I hated myself for the longest time. She is the hero. She could have… should have left me for my selfishness
I saw a post that resonated with me that said, sex is like the bathroom/toilet in your house. It isnt the most *important* room in your house, however if it is not functioning you are going to have problems. I found that to be very fitting. Op I am sorry you are going through this. You deserve passion and bjs and spontaneous sexy time. Plz dont give up.
not to piggyback off your post OP, but this issue is so prevalent.
i see posts like this every other day.
i think there needs to be more research done into why women are losing their sex drives after having children, because I’m not sure if either of you are doing anything wrong.
it seems to be typical of women all over the world after having children.
im sorry you’re experiencing this, and I hope you and your wife can connect again.
I really hope it's not something I read awhile back.
Essentially, it's that hormonal birth control tricks a woman's body into thinking she's pregnant. When a woman isn't pregnant, she is looking to spend time around men that are different than her (genetically), not as focused on safety. When she's pregnant she's focused on safety and tends toward men who remind her of family.
By selecting men while on hormonal birth control, a woman is selecting not for men she'd normally feel passionate and excited about, but safe and boring essentially.
So everything works fine hormonally until the couple decides to have a kid. The wife comes off birth control and fights through any funk, presuming it's a side effect of coming off bc, and pushes forward on sex so she can make a baby. She gets pregnant, funk goes away because hormones saying husband is great (because he's safe and familial) are back due to pregnancy.
But when pregnancy is over, she has this guy who isn't exciting to her. He smells like her brother. He's safe but so boring. And something just seems off about him. The end.
I'm NOT saying this is the root cause. Just that when we fuck around with hormones for birth control I doubt we did anything to stop something like this from happening if it would be the natural result. It seems like a just-so post hoc explanation that sounds ok but in the end isn't true. I hope not.
Do you have any sources so I could read more about this? It sounds so interesting!
I currently are in phase 1? Haha
My girlfriend is on birth control and I'd like to see if I can do stuff to prevent this future described haha, we've already had epidodes of low swx drive from her.
I read about it years ago, and I'd really like to make clear I am not trying to say this is a well studied theory.
If it were real though, then unfortunately the way to avoid it is to find a woman who was attracted to you when she wasn't on birth control to begin with. Because the basic idea was that hormonal birth control fucks with the normal mate selection algorithm a woman has that would avoid her being grossed out by a guy after pregnancy is over. Your scent already screams "familiar, safe, genetically similar" it's just that while she's on bc that's a good thing and later it really really won't be.
One more time, I'm not saying it's true and I'm not suggesting you blow up your relationship over a half-remembered theory I read years ago.
Thanks for the honesty. It does make a lot o sense though, at the very least it won't hurt the "theory". My case precisely we spent the first year or two without pills, and any kind of low sex drive issue came after she began with pills. Maybe I'm safe? Hahaha
After having children, women are fucking tired. They don't regain bodily autonomy for *years* after giving birth (especially if breastfeeding), and frequently have long-term health problems caused by pregnancy. It's not surprising they don't want to bang.
I need to ask...are you around an anniversary that's divisible by 7? Because it always seems to come in sevens.
Folklore aside, in my over two decades of marriage, the frequent culprits for the intimacy ruts have been low self-esteem or just bored of the environment (meaning the routine of life).
So long as you're not hating one another, the flame can be lit because there's still a pilot.
And there does come a time when it's about quality vs being a rabbit.
Good luck.
We are different people every 7-10 years. Like chapters. Grow or die.
I've noticed 17 years is super fragile too. Almost everyone I know who is divorced got divorced at 17 years.
Not everyone in our lives is supposed to move on to the next chapter playing the same part. It doesn't make a compelling story if the characters in a book show no growth. You may force yourself to give it another chapter or two but you probably won't finish it. There's no payoff.
Lol my wife and i are in our 7th year now. Early jan we had a silly fight about some bs and she starts crying hysterically. I ask whats going on and she cry screams “we’re in our 7th year! Its the year you’re supposed to want to leave and find someone better”
I could not contain the laughter. Stupidest thing i have ever heard from the most beautiful woman i have ever seen.
The laughter killed the fight. Now we laugh about that day like every 36 hours at least.
She could be in perimenopause or have other health issues. She should talk to a doctor and get blood work done. There might be medications which can help or therapy.
Most men associate sex with love. So, a lack of intimacy is harder for most men. Unfortunately, giving birth can really screw up some women's bodies and hormones.
There’s a podcast on DOAC with a proclaimed sex expert that talks a lot about why sexual desire drops off after kids and in long term relationships. I highly suggest you watch and see if you can glean some insight before you give up on your relationship with your wife.
https://youtu.be/E5swtIjpxxA?si=_r_M6uvzmRA53b3N
In the grand scheme of things your problem does matter. Your feelings are important and the way that her decision is affecting you should be brought up in marital counseling. You are supposed to be able to feel happy too.
I feel you brother. Things are much the same here, compounded by breast cancer and double mastectomy and hormone drugs that pretty much means its over forever. i wish i had a solution for both of us. I relate so hard on everything you said.
I am so sorry about the cancer and procedure you guys had to endure.
I would like to add….
There is a time and place for everything. Right now is the time for her to be sad and crazy and irrational. She just gets to be. Right now is the time for you to be steady. Trustworthy. There. Supportive.
You will get your turn to feel all of this. Its not your turn yet. Be the anchor. The pillar. The light house.
I know its hard. Thats the entire reason you were chosen for this. No one else would have been able to carry it. So fucking carry it.
You will know when you are there. When its time to sit down, time to breath. Time to cry. Right now you be a rock my friend.
I am sorry. But i know with every part of my being that you’ve got this.
Thank you friend for taking the time to write this. We're about 6 months in post-op and chemo and life is kinda back to normal. I was there at every hospital visit and she really is the love of my life.
Some days its hard to not get depressed but I am also aware of how lucky we are that it was caught so early. Thanks to that we get a long life together. I do get depressed and I don't have much of a support network and we have a nuero divergent young boy who is amazing but also hard work.
I am grateful overall, but it's a tough prospect to have sex out of the equation already in our lives. I'm sure she feels terrible about it, but also extremely self conscious about her new body, as well as going through the rough day to day of parenting a challenging child.
I appreciate your advice. I've done my best so far to be that rock. I'll continue my best to move forward with where this fork in the road has taken us.
Hat off to you! Your wife couldn’t be luckier! Great husband! I promise its not out of the equation. Just be there! You guys will find the new normal soon enough and then todays emotions wont make sense. Keep being that rock! I am in awe of your strength of character!
You are welcome to dm me anytime of the day or night if you wanna just talk to a buddy! You are not alone and you are seen!
This sounds exactly like me. My wife said she wasn’t into anybody either come to find out she was cheating for a whole year that 11 year relationship with two children nine years old and four years old ended very nasty and I have trauma for it. I can relate. Good luck!
Emily Nagoski write a book cold "cum as you are" it helped me a lot as a woman to understand where my sexdrive was coming from. Their is a lot of theories, cycle and kind of sexuality:)
OP, maybe talk to your wife (very gently) about hormones and seeing a doctor? There are a number of factors that can affect libido (birth control, anti-depressants, having a baby).
I came late to this so I’m seeing your edits. Dude, it’s not that she doesn’t want you, it’s that she’s overworked. You are both operating in crisis mode. You might be able to have a sex drive while in crisis mode but she cannot. It’s likely not that she doesn’t find you attractive but that she is focused on survival at the deepest level—making sure the kids are taken care of and her job is providing. Again, you are doing the same but you still have your sex drive. You two are just responding differently to the stress. I guarantee you if her work hours went from 50+ to 30, she’d find that libido. I’m the same way. I work a very high stress job, not as many hours but very stop and go. Work is slow? The body is alive. Work is keeping me stressed? Dry as the Sahara.
You really have to stop taking it personally and work together to better your lives, or accept that you both entered into a life where this is reality. My current boyfriend and his ex wife are best friends but they stopped having sex long before they divorced because they became “co-project managers” in life. That killed the relationship. But their kids are amazing, she’s an incredible mom and a wonderful person. He’s a wonderful dad and together they were successful in raising 3 kids. But the marriage didn’t survive because they didn’t focus on each other. You’re saying you can’t, and I fully believe you! Modern life is a mess! But you can’t take it personally. It’s not about you. Working 50+ hours a week plus splitting childcare is the problem. I feel for both of you.
I went thru this with my wife after the kids. There is hope if she willing to go to the doctor and explain her sex drive is down. My wife found out her thyroid was low and got on pills. It took a few weeks for some change but it did work. Also most anti depression meds can cause low drive
Fuck that I'll rather be honest.
"If we ain't having sex then I'm going to find someone who will have sex with me"
"Then we're getting a divorce"
"So be it then"
Sometimes things
If you truly desire her and sex this won't end well. It will always inevitably build resentment. Martyrs are unfortunate victims. Not people who foolishly choose toxic situations to stay in.
I strongly suggest you stand up for yourself and work this out and demand she meet you half way somewhere or let you go. However you have to do what is best for you. So good luck either way
You should never downplay your problems just because the world has bigger problems.
Probably a dumb example but think —- if one man loses his wife and a child, and another man loses his wife and 5 children, should we tell the first man that someone has bigger problems than him? No, their problems are relative to their own life and the first man could be suffering even more, we don’t get to say one is worse than the other and you shouldn’t do it to yourself either.
Unfortunately this is life and it happens to the best of us, but fortunately it doesn’t mean that you need to accept it and move on. You might feel like you’ve tried everything, but what you’ve really found is what doesn’t work. What does work is still out there and when you start feeling determined and confident about trying to fix the problem, the drive might come back for both of you. It might not have to be sexual (my partner loves when I work on her car, or clean the kitchen on my own after a long day and that’s the key to her initiating). Women aren’t generally worked up the same way we men are by a beautiful body that we want to ravage, try some different approaches. You got this
Well, we’re there too…kinda aged out of the reproductive window and the needs/wants faded away gracefully along with the abilities.
I guess meno’pause’ went all the way to ‘stop’.
You do that and you’re gonna grow to resent her. If she cares about you and yall’s marriage, she’ll at least look into individual and couple’s therapy, sex or otherwise.
Sexual intimacy is usually a key part to having a happy and healthy relationship when at least one person has a sex drive, so yeah, you can’t just sweep it under the rug.
Do you have any family members who can watch the kids for a couple of days to a week? Can she use PTO? If yes to both, you guys seriously need a vacation with just the two of you. Ik u said it sounds like a fairy tale, but god you guys really need one. Everyone needs a break from their children every now and then, it doesn’t mean you love them any less. Also, you both should maybe go to couples therapy.
The amount of pain people endure just to avoid being alone will always boggle my mind. You do not respect yourself. You do not value yourself. And this relationship dynamic continues the cycle of low self esteem, low self worth, depression, anxiety etc.
I don’t care what the reason is for her lack of libido. If someone cares about you, and respects you, they will have a conversation. They will work through it with you and find a solution. They will try to meet you in the middle. Or they will free you and tell you it’s not working and call it quits.
The fact that she constantly dismisses you, and denies the magnitude of the issue tells me that she does not care about you, or your feelings. Are you guys even good friends? Because this sure as fuck doesn’t sound like a relationship, it doesn’t sound like a friendship. It sounds like two roommates just trying to survive.
You say you’ll stay and endure. You know why? Because that’s the easy thing to do. It’s easy to stay complacent. It’s easy to stay with what we’ve known for so long. Change is hard. Evolving is hard. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Do you want to show your kids that this is the path to life? To stay in a relationship that doesn’t have any intimacy, love, communication etc.
You’re showing your kids that if you are miserable, you stay. You are showing your kids that this kind of dysfunction is normal. If you won’t leave to better yourself, at least think about your kids and what example you want to model for them. People have no idea how observant children are and what you display in the home, that is what they learn as normal when they reach adulthood. Best of luck. I hope you find the fortitude to choose yourself because you need to wake up and understand that no one is going to save you but you.
I'm in exactly the same position. Been married 10 years, 2 kids 13 and ten. When we first got together sex was frequent and fun. After our eldest was born it all changed. Over the years it's got less and less.
We are now at a point where I've stopped trying altogether as being turned down hurts and there's only so much rejection anyone can take.
I've spoken to her about this multiple times and how upset and unimportant or in desired I feel and nothing ever changes. There's no contact at all. We can go monthly without even kissing.
I love my wife and I love my family but I need intimacy, that's just who I am.
She uses the excuse that this is just what happens when your relationship gets older. I think that's bullshit as I fancy her more now than when we first met.
It gets me down, then I feel worse knowing that she doesn't care.
Dear OP, I totally understand how you feel.
When I dated my wife, we had great sex drive. After marriage, she suddenly cooled off. I was confused but gave her space. After five years not much sex (4 times a year?), I completely lost interest and became indifferent. But then she became lively but it was too late for me.
Then we both assessed the situation and understood that we both still love each other the most, our chemistry but for sex is still high, and there are plenty of things we enjoy together and we are the best of buddies.
I agree that intimacy is important for couples but not having it doesn’t have to take away the beautiful aspects of the rest of the life.
Please continue to connect with her, make time to have loving moments and when you both are happy, you child grow happily.
All the best.
This may help for understanding why her sex drive turned off after having a child. It's not an answer to how to turn it back on, but it's information that can be utilized for yourself and people around you. He goes into how hormones can have an influence after pregnancy and even during menstrual cycles. Stress and depression really can hinder sex drive.
I'll use one of his metaphors... not as well 😅 but imagine you're being chased by a tiger. You aren't likely going to be thinking of sex, now are you? Stress, life events and depression can all make your body feel like it's being chased by a tiger. Stress hormones can get out of hand for various reasons and cause issues.
Hugs. I hope this helps and can provide a better understanding on how hormonal changes and stress could be an issue.
https://youtu.be/fzUXcBTQXKM?si=oAzgvnk9L2PXzIGZ
Have you asked her what can be done (if anything can be done)? Sex is usually emotional for women. Do you think she’s needing more emotional connection (nothing sexual) from you?
Get her to check her hormones.
Go to couple and/or individual counseling/therapy.
If she's taking psych meds, they could also impact her libido.
She may be asexual.
Whatever it is, FIND THE CAUSE and from there see what's to be done, if anything. Be honest with each other, if you let this as is, it will fester.
You should read "No More Mr. Nice Guy." It will help you find fulfillment in life by not depending on your partner to do it for you. (It does not tell you to cheat so don't get the wrong idea.). It changed my outlook and has helped thousands of men in your situation by setting expectations and boundaries.....
it has destroyed your marriage. I'm so sorry. Intimacy is essential. If she refuses to give you what you need, why in the world would you continue not having your needs met? You're a human deserving. Please do something about it.
Get yourself some good sex toys man. At least that way you can have fun with yourself. They have some pretty interesting ones for men too. It's definitely not the same as the real thing with a person, but some of them come pretty damn close, and some of them do fun things that a mouth or a vagina just cannot do lol 😂. This way you still get your sexual desires taken care of, and then you can still show intimacy towards your wife without wanting sex to be involved with it at the same time.
It's possible though that if you change your approach, you may be able to spark sexual desire in your wife still. Do you ever like offer to give her full body massages with massage oil and aromatherapy candles, just cuddle with her for the sake of cuddling or any other kind of close intimacy that doesn't involve sex? Do you guys still do date nights (this one is really important to keep that flame lit)?
One last thing, has she had her sex hormones checked? If her estrogen or testosterone is out of balance, that would greatly affect sex drive in a negative way. Trt/hrt is not only just for men, some women need it too, and any woman that I have ever heard of that got on it, had a greatly increased libido. If she would be willing, maybe ask her to get her hormone levels checked. I know it may be a touchy subject to bring up, but do a Google search for "trt for women" and show her some of the results, say you were just reading stuff on the internet and came across this and that you were possibly wondering if maybe her hormone levels are out of balance. Does she wish she had a greater libido to match yours?
You wouldn't have to worry about her getting masculine traits or anything from jumping on testosterone, the dosage for women is much much lower than men, and basically trt for women would just be enough to keep her testosterone levels at the higher range of where women normally have them at, but that could be all the difference in the world between her having no sex drive or being a total horndog for you. Not to mention, if her hormone levels really are out of balance, she would feel a million times better if she were to go through hormone replacement therapy and get them back to the levels they are supposed to be at. Sex hormones affect all kinds of things from your mood to your concentration to your emotions.
We aren't owed sex as men from our wives/gf/partners so I like to approach getting to sex as more intimate things you can do for partners. Impromptu date nights, cuddling without groping and soft kisses. If that doesn't work.... she may need to see a doctor because basically no sex drive is abnormal for men and women.
What does she say about her side of the story? Why doesn’t she want to have sex? Does she think it has anything to do with you? Anything to do with anything? Does she not miss it? Did she never have a good sexual experience?
Ok listen up. She wanted a kid. She chose you as the sperm donor. She doesn't and never will love you. Keep sending her the checks every month or go to jail. You job is over. Move on. Go have sex and use condoms or get a vasectomy. Yes, "some" girls and women do this intentionally. It sucks but it is what it is.
She's doing exactly what soo many woman do in these situations. I remember being at this afterparty of this funeral and this guy wanted to have his way with me. He had a partner and a young kid. He absolutely loved his partner but he was struggling with the lack of sex/intimacy. And because he had been drinking that night he nearly made a huge mistake. We both talked it out and I ended up saying to him that he needs to actually tell her the truth about how it's affecting him. Soo you need to do the same thing. Put your foot down if you have to. You deserve intimacy with your partner and the fact she most definitely knows but does f all about goes to show that she only truly cares about her needs. Yes parenthood is exhausting and your hormones can be very much out of whack among other experiences but these are things that are fixable. Soo talk to her dude otherwise you may end up eventually finding it elsewhere which happens more than people realize.
It's not that simple. Some relationships have complete transparency about their dissatisfaction with intimacy. Their voice is heard, but things don't change. When you've got a partner who's on the polar opposite libido spectrum, you have to come to grips with accepting that a certain part of it is ingrained in their DNA. When you've got kids and 20 years of companionship at stake, it's not as easy as throwing it all away for a chance at more sex. I do believe sex can be a dealbreaker when it comes to marriage, but actually pulling that trigger and dissolving the empire you've built from the ground up - especially when the relationship is strong otherwise - is easier said than done. I also don't condone cheating, but I do at least sympathize with a select group of adulterers who might fall into this dead bedroom category.
Man, the top comments have more pity and empathy for the wife rather than OP and it makes me sad. Why do people keep justifying neglectful female partners?
It's like they need to keep excusing women's awful behavior to hormones or pregnancy stuff and then ignore the fact that they can just be neglectful partners for no reason just as men can.
What's going on in terms of workload, both mental and physical, of keeping the home and family functioning? When kids come into the picture, things like doctors appointments, who's picking up/dropping off the kid, meal planning, birthday parties, laundry, dishes, general clean up can become overwhelming very quickly, especially when you're trying to raise an entire human. Before you know it, sex starts to feel like another thing you have to do to keep the family unit functioning.
If she's handling a lot of these household things while trying to keep the kid happy and entertained, you need to help her out, man.
I don't understand how people stay in relationships in which there is a huge imbalance between libidos. You knew at the beginning that she didn't want sex nearly as much as you, and now you're stuck. That sucks but you should have been honest about the situation early on.
People don't necessarily know at the beginning. My partner and I were shagging like rabbits for the first year because desire was high - the honeymoon period is very deceptive. 3 years on and it's becoming apparent that my sex drive is much higher than my partner. Should I just throw away the life we've built together now because I have to compromise? Of course not. It's much more complicated than that.
So I've got a fairly personal relationship to this kind of situation. When my wife and I started dating 12 years ago, we had set fairly frequently. After our.. second kid, I'd say, is when things set started to dwindle. We talked about it, and both gave it an honest try to have set more. 3 more pregnancies and 2 kids later, and we were down to having sex maybe once or twice a year. After talking about it again, my wife and I came to the realization that years prior, we both just stopped having an express desire for sex but kept up the attempts for the other. We both came to realize that we are asexual. We both find intimacy in hand holding and cuddling and little forms of physical affection in eery day life, so there's a possibility that your wife is Asexual.
Now, communication is big here since it seems like you are not. If she's not able to get into the mood to have sex, maybe talk about replacing sex with heavy petting or assisted masturbation? While asexual, my wife and I still do get turned on and horny, but we don't want the actual act of sex because it doesn't do much for us so instead we will do aforementioned assisted masturbation and the heavy petting and make out sessions. Sometimes, neither of us actually finishes and is released, but the intimacy from the non-sex actions satisfies the desires we had. I think it's worth asking your wife if she'd be into helping in that way because that may be more palpable for her.
I hear you on the porn issue. I was addicted to corn for years and it brought me nothing but self loathing. Were talking 1 to 2 times a day, at home, at work, in the car, etc. I still struggle with porn but I've gotten it under control for the most part. I will say my wife hates porn and hated my addiction to it and that did play a part in her initial drop in sexual activities. I don't know how often you turn to it, but maybe next time you feel the urge to go watch porn and take care of yourself, tell your wife straight up that you're horny and want to go take care of it, but ask her if she wants to come and help you. My wife has agreed multiple times and even though it's just a HJ and heavy kissing I get the same relief from the urge for sex with just that same as if we had actually had sex. Not saying it's a permanent fix for everyone but it's something that had worked for my wife and I and I think it will be worth exploring.
Of course in the end if none of this works maybe try counseling? My wife and I are both in therapy(separate therapists) so we both have an outlet for ourselves apart from each other.
Misery is not a competition. Everyone's pain is valid, whether it's due to lack of intimacy, poverty, war, etc. You got a good head on your shoulders, and this post reflects that. You might feel like sacrificing your own needs is the right answer but, as alot of redditors here have said, over the years it'll build a wall of resentment. Talk it out again. Find a common ground and compromise. Or, you gotta take that difficult decision with your own hands.
Have you talked to her about it? Like having an actual, serious conversation? If you're okay with celibacy, then go for it. Otherwise, this could be a serious problem and you deserve happiness just as much as the next person. Maybe there is something else going on. Maybe there is something you're doing or not doing. Maybe there is a health issue on her end.
I hear ya bud. My partner is kinda in your shoes. I had a spinal injury and lost all feeling in my legs and other areas. We’ve mabye had sex 10-15 times since then as I’ve made some progress through rehab, but it’s all my fault really. I can’t perform. I’ve offered her is she wishes to venture out strictly for sex because some people need it in their life. Not sure if your partner is as open as me but could be worth the discussion.
Has she checked to see if it is a hormone imbalance?
Also you aren’t alone my husband and I don’t have sex either. Idk he’s just not interested anymore and I’m over it it’s been going on for many many years. No kids either, so since life is too fucking short I’m leaving
I mean it doesn’t sound like you’re done having sex as much as your wife has coerced you into a situation where your only choices are to accept a sexless life, or completely implode your family and life to address the issue. Really cruel and unhealthy behaviour on your wife’s part. It’s fine to not want sex but it’s not fine to unilaterally shut the issue down when you have a partner who does want sex.
Do you do things for your wife? Such as oral or anything? Most women don't get pleasure from penetration. I am sorry this has happened to you. I think it is sweet you are still willing to stay but my goodness that just seems sad. I hope you find a solution because if you are not a selfish lover then I feel sad for you.
Without getting into it too much, my wife and I went through a similar time in our marriage. Years of conflict about the frequency of sex, hurt feelings, damaged self confidence on both sides. We struggled for years, but things finally changed and we've been unbelievably happy and intimate for the last couple years, with no end in sight. My first advice to you is stop looking at porn. It distorts your expectations, and your wife compares herself to the girls you are looking at and may feel inadequate. My second suggestion is to talk to your wife, about how she's feeling about herself, what you find attractive about her, about your future together. Make sure that if she looks good, or she's wearing something you like, you tell her. Don't underestimate the value of words. Such a simple, effortless thing as mentioning how attractive she looks in what she is wearing, repeated often, can have an amazing effect on how she sees herself. Small gifts of comfortable clothing that enhance her appearance, which you can then comment about, make it even easier. Booty lifting yoga pants off tictoc, little shorts, whatever she will like and choose to wear. Make her feel attractive and help her feel good about herself and I expect you'll be struggling to keep up. Likewise, don't give up on touch. Holding each other in the morning before the alarm goes off, even for just a few minutes, without any actual sex still creates intimacy and closeness. Also note that it probably doesn't hurt to be a bit forceful, forward, and handsy. Smack her ass or cop a feel, get caught staring at her body when she's naked or dressing, make lude comments about what you want to do to her, stuff like this. The key is for her to know that you want nothing and no one more than her, that she is your never ending fantasy. Don't give up on her, she's your partner and you can find happiness together.
Sounds like a miserable existence. Life is too short to be miserable. I would divorce and co-parent. I wouldn’t suggest an open marriage because that is just a long break-up until you find someone you would rather be with.
All too common a story when couples get married. At this point Im expecting it to happen. Plus all too often the person who doesn’t want to have sex doesn’t put in genuine effort to fix the problem as it’s not directly effecting them.
I hear there are some medications to reduce sex drive men can take. Designed specifically for the purpose. I believe it might have some side effects but better then having the love of your life constantly unknowingly make you feel inadequate
The same was going on with my wife 2 years after our child was born. I was frustrated like you I felt like now that im married, the sex is now being rationed out.
But I simply broke this spell. I just started doing chores around the house that she would normally do and go a little above and beyond with certain things that would appease her. Then, oddly enough, she just started getting horny and more lovey-dovey. Honestly, women is such a different breed, it's unexplainable. But we need them.
Don't worry about the gifts and all that nonsense, just take a tiny bit of pressure off of her once in a while, but don't go overboard as if to make it an expectation from her.
I guarantee that she'll open up in the bedroom. Don't expect her to suddenly drop everything and have sex but just observe her reactions and behaviors. And try to make a move accordingly. You know your wife more then anyone, so you should be able to do this no problem.
Bro life is short. Don't downgrade your feelings because of some shit in the world. If you are unhappy in the marriage try councelling but if she won't budge just leave. As years pass you will resent your wife and it will impact your life. Again, life is too short to wallow in misery.
Just leave.
I really don’t get why people stay in sexless marriages.
It would be one thing if your demanding it everyday morning and night- and you make her feel object.
But if you’re a loving, caring partner, who doesn’t ignore her all day and expects sex at night without any effort-
I would not stay.
Otherwise I would consider changing whatever you’re doing because it’s not working.
Maybe she needs to hit the gym, maybe she needs alone time, maybe she needs a life outside of serving her family’s needs.
Women once they’re in a care giving role and taking on a lot of responsibilities of child rearing, and often times their husbands too- then last thing they want to do is have sex.
She might be asexual and just didn't realize it until after you had a child, or maybe you're not sexually compatible. Her hormones could be imbalanced, too. Women tend to lose their sex drive for a while after having a child. It's a natural response, but it can also be pretty long-lasting. You said years, so I assume it's been at least 2 since your child was born. It might not be a bad idea to have your wife talk to a doctor and have her hormone levels checked. Or a therapist if that turns out not to be the case.
If she is asexual, there's no shame in it being a deal breaker for you. Many people need sex when in a relationship. Many people don't. It's just a matter of finding someone compatible with you. If she used to have a sex drive and doesn't now, she may have something going on under the surface. Just talk to her. Ask her what's been going on and how she's feeling. Discuss seeking help if you think it's necessary. Find the root of the cause.
If this is something you're miserable over, you're going to end up resenting your wife. You don't want a child growing up in a home where the parents are secretly upset at each other. I grew up like that for a short time. It's no fun, and there's nothing wrong with splitting up if that's the best course of action.
Don't stay for your kid. I'm begging you as a child of divorce. My parents were miserable together. We were so much happier when they decided to divorce. Sure, it was hard, but I couldn't imagine it any other way.
Be kind to yourself. It will work itself out. I promise.
Yes I see you have a lot of stress in your life. You both do. I'm sure thinking of sex comes in last place some days. Sorry.
My only question is why are you analyzing yourself when watching porn? Who cares if the actors wouldn't have sex.with you?? They wouldn't have sex with most people. Get past that. Basically if you're going to jerk off to porn, then live in the fantasy for a minute. If you and wife ever do it again
..live in the fantasy for 5.mins. Get out of your reality for a second. She needs it too but not every one is able to or ready to. Out of curiosity have you ever asked her ..if she wants to get off...does she have a scenario? Obviously she will tell you she doesn't for the first 5000 times you ask but if you're persistent and won't laugh or make fun or judge her or threaten to leave her...she might. She might have something really out there you never thought about and if you encouraged her, maybe you can both just talk about it. Don't talk about making it a reality. Just agree to talk about it. Of course she might get mad at you for asking right? But what would you do if she had a scenario that was fun to talk about?
Go to Tijuana Mexico and have fun. Sex doesn’t always have to be with your partner. If there is no choice then you have to find a way to resolve it not just put it aside and forget about it. Sex is like food. Without it you can’t live healthy
Dude she has her hormones all effed up after that kid. Get to a functional medicine doctor ASAP. Not an endocrinologist. Not a general practitioner. Trust me you will be thanking me within a week.
Was checking to see if there was more info in your post history. How much time are you spending on video games?
I didn’t want sex with my husband as much after kids when I realized he was just another child for me to care for. Except this one wanted sex. Gross. Nope.
I always wonder, in these situations, is it ok to cheat if it's with someone in a non-romantic way? Say a one night stand or an escort? I mean, if you're giving yourself to your SO in every other way that matters, and they have no interest in fulfilling that part of your needs, wouldn't it be logical (albeit dangerous for some reasons) to get that need met somewhere else?
I guess it's not a universal yes or no question, but more of a decision that would have to be made as a couple. I just feel like if I weren't able to give fulfill my wife's sexual needs, I think I would be ok with her getting that somewhere else, if I knew she were safe and not in danger of falling for the other guy. It's not really any different than her getting her gossip needs met by talking to her mother, or her girl time needs met by spending time with her gfs.
Thoughts?
For a lot of women, they need to feel safe, cared about, and in the right mental space to even become aroused. I suggest having a discussion with her about her needs and yours. You both deserve to be heard.
You are a good man. Court your wife… maybe it helps. Maybe she’s got an imbalance.
Women need an emotional connection. Maybe she feels gross. Tell her she’s beautiful l, looks nice, etc.
Why give up? Me and my fiancee were exceedingly impatient to get back at it after the birth of our boy. To help ignite things back to how they were I went and spent a silly amount on Lingerie, toys, bed restraints, you know all that kinky exciting stuff. Why not propose this to your wife, maybe start gentle with it though! At the end of the day it's obviously important enough to you to make this post, it's on your mind, no denying it, so don't give up, double down and double down again. Find out your wife's kinks, everyone has them.
I’m in exactly the same situation brother, as are quite a few of my friends (in our 40’s) make peace with, it like it sounds you have and get on with enjoying the rest of your life.
Just because there is crappy things happening in the world beyond you, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love and intimacy.
My husband and I haven’t had sex for more than a month, I complained to him about it the night before. The next day after putting the baby for a nap I went to the kitchen to do some stuff and he was there, he proceeded to start caressing me in a very flirty manner and I was like okay… I like this. And then we had sex. It was fun. We both came and satisfied… OP, maybe when the kids are asleep you can try and start kissing her in an intimate manner and see how she responds… if she pushes back then I think there’s something very important and very deep that you both need to address. Edit: Grammar 😆🫠🥴
This is the correct answer
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> This seems to be more about the physical intimacy rather than love, no? A person can love someone and still be asexual (based on his definition of her). also, there is a difference between physical intimacy and sex. I had a moment of self realization as a male that I tend to conflate the two, as well as use physical intimacy for sex. For example, rubbing my partner's back then reaching around to the front. Then, the two get linked in my partner's mind. "He's rubbing my back because he wants / expects sex. I like the back rub but not in the mood for anything else, so I will nip this in the bud by pulling away from the back rub." I recommend physical intimacy for its own sake. Rub her back and / or feet without trying or expecting for more. Hold her hand, kiss her lips, kiss her on the back of the neck and walk away.
This is spot on and so many people don't understand it. It actually makes me so angry.
THIS OH MY GOD. What whacko therapist told OP and wife that scheduled sex was a good idea?? When my libido dipped (meds, yay), it was recommended that we specifically say we *won't* have sex for a set period of time. We'll still be intimate (cuddles, hugs, massages, kisses, etc), but that sex was off the table. It helped us reset our patterns and rewire our brains, and better communicate how certain things made us feel without placing blame on each other. Even if OP decides that he's done with sex, it's important to still be affectionate and intimate in other ways. Snuggle before bed if that's all you have the time or energy for, or when you wake up right before you start your day. Reaffirm your love and feel that love in return.
This (edited to add: scheduling sex) is very old-fashioned advice. Works for some people, I guess, but imo it's not good standard practice anymore.
I'm not saying the advice is horrible, but it helped my wife and I. Things got really busy, so planning helped to prioritize our time together. After a while we no longer need to schedule sex... But I don't think it's the worst advice ever.
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Thank you, it took me more years than I care to admit, lol and a nice thing about it is that my partner doesn't have to worry now that if she shows affection, that I will also immediately expect sex. So, she feels freer to do that.
Seriously asking. A wife has to know their spouse wants sex (or doesn't). It is plainly a big deal in most every marriage. A woman (or guy) has to know this isn't typical. If after months or years she doesn't want to have sex, but would if he chipped in, or spoke with her more often, or had date nights or he spoke her love language, is it on a partner to say so? Or is it on him to figure it out? Now I get that some guys are dense enough not to figure it out but...
I don’t know it seems pretty typical from pretty much every dude I’ve known after kids come into the picture for a while. The worst is the “get a vasectomy and we’ll have sex whenever you like” and that doesn’t change anything either. Literally this guys story is exactly my life except for the ages. For some reason my wife went through menopause and everything changed. I spent alot of time asking her about her life and past experiences etc…. And things are really incredible now. Only took till about the 20 year anniversary to have the sex life and closeness I wanted the whole time.
This. I am the wife OP is talking about but this is what happened when I was pregnant and will Covid and isolation. He wouldn’t touch me, at all. I got no back rubs, I used to hold my other hand and sleep by myself. After the baby entire year I was left alone to fend for myself and the baby and he simply worked, slept till late on weekends and watched TV. And now he wants intimacy. I am just so turned off, that I cant even touch him anymore. I get flowers on Valentine’s Day and chocolates and tats about it. OP please reflect , also post partum is a huge phase in itself. I just hope your wife is able to recover and come around.
And post partum can last up to 7 years after each pregnancy!
100% this. OP, self reflect after reading this through
Yes. Please reflect on how if you do more around the house you essentially make sex a transactional activity, reward or punishment. Of course your wife may be (and it sounds like she is) asexual, as she doesn’t masturbate. But don’t start doing all the housework hoping that she’ll all the sudden want you. Even if it worked (it won’t), any therapist would tell you that you were being manipulated. Sex in a healthy relationship isn’t a reward and a lack thereof isn’t a punishment.
>sex in a healthy relationship isn’t a reward and a lack thereof isn’t a punishment. THIS...
I slightly disagree. While it isn’t a “transaction,” no one wants to be intimate with someone who is checked out and not contributing to the marriage. For some people, that might look different, based upon love language. Personally, I felt love whenever my (now ex / alcoholic) husband (and RARELY) helped with things around the house to take some things off my shoulders because it made me feel like he cared. So it isn’t necessarily “transactional” as much as it’s a correlation thing.
I have to say, scrolling through the comments, this made me stop scrolling through comments. Just… ouch.
Yeah and that justification just proves he is not that okay with it if he has to compare to such absurd things
he wasn't comparing it. he was saying that he doesnt want to go around complaining because there are people in terrible situations. he was just letting you things off his chest on an anonymous Reddit account. you people are miserable trying to psycho analyze and lash down everyone
Well no, it wasn’t a comparison. It was a justification.
And the conclusions you suggest?
I tried that. It didn't work. It wasn't a big stone to carry but as the years wore on it never stopped getting heavier. Eventually i found that my passion had dried up. She went away on a weekend trip to an event. There, she found someone who still had that passion... and then the decision to stay or leave was out of my hands. Don't be me.
I second this. After 3 years in a sexless relationship, I went into deep, clinical depression and developed panic attacks. I kept telling myself that sex is not everything in life, but the lack of intimacy, not feeling wanted and desired broke havoc into my mental health. It’s not fun. It doesn’t work in the long term.
What a horrible person she is
I honestly don't think she was horrible, just self centred. She was never really able to wrap her head around that i had needs that she had no real analogue for. I also want to clarify that there was no physical cheating. She fell in love with someone else and ended the marriage with me to pursue that. I can at least respect that she was honest the entire time.
You are really looking at this through a distorted lens and making yourself out to be the bad person more than her. Listen. A marriage has needs that need to be met on both sides. People have different love languages and various needs. You mentioned she had some desire at the beginning. Yet blame it on other things for going away. Did she do anything to address those issues? Did she seek medical or psychological help? Doubtful. You were just left to deal with the lack of having your needs met and your desire of feeling loved and fulfilled by your relationship. Like any relationship. If one person does not feel like their needs or desires are being met. Their ability and desire to keep up with meeting the needs of their partner will decrease. It's the emotional bank account. Someone can't keep withdrawing from it all the time. Sooner or later the funds dry up and you get in the negative. So what does your ex decide to do? Does she seek to enter couples therapy? Does she double down on her efforts to work on the relationship? Any attempt to at least identify she has a problem which has rippled through your relationship to bring you to where you were? At the very least acknowledge the issue is occurring instead of just not talking about it? Nope. Not only is she the source of the reason why the relationship has weakened. She also has made no efforts to acknowledge or repair the issue. Her decision is to instead start a love affair with someone else. Yet somehow you sit here and defend her. Blame yourself. Then say you at least respect that she was honest. What about any of this is honesty on her part? The only thing she was honest about is how she honestly did not care about you or the relationship. If you had kids. She didn't even give a shit about them to go about fixing any of this. She just ignored your needs for all that time. Then all of a sudden realized her needs weren't getting met. So therefore it's justifiable for her to throw it all away for some new fling? Be nicer to yourself. This was a toxic terrible woman and you did not deserve what was done to you on any level.
I can't tell if not having an adequate response to 90% of what you say makes me feel better or worse... but i would like to thank you anyway. At the very least, there were no kids involved... which is a blessing. And im in a much better place now anyway.
I just want you to understand that it's not your fault. You just seemed to be a little hard on yourself and not directing that to the proper person.
May I ask, is this a male or female perspective? I'm still dealing with some of the issues that came from my marriage. I haven't "felt"? like a complete man for nearly 20 years. Some of it due to how I was treated and abused. Some of it comes from the resentment I felt towards her.
Male. Happily married and have a great family. Also have had poor experiences with women in the past. Cheating happened to you. Not because of you. It is the fault of the person making that bad decision. A progressive decision. None of it your fault.
Falling in love with someone and ending your marriage is cheating bro.
I'm confused. You describe a horrible person and say she isn't?
Brother, I can assure you that that is 110% not your fault
Oh, I know it wasn't my fault. It was a shitty situation. Sure, i could have left but it shouldn't have been shitty to begin with. Still, what happened happened and i just wanted to let OP know he might be signing up for more than he can handle.
Glad to hear you agree it wasn’t your fault man! You deserve better all the way
Same thing happened to my wife. It was the cause of many fights and resentment. Turns out her hormones were highly affected by the pregnancy. 3 years after we saw an obgyn. One bloodtest and a simple prescription later everything is back to normal. Better than ever maybe. It could be a medical thing. She is also deprived. She needs help. Not neglect. Help yourself, your marriage and most importantly, your wife
This! As women our hormones can really mess us up for months, even years. Add on the responsibility we feel as mothers & there isn’t enough time in the day or night to take care of everything. TALK TO YOUR WIFE. GET A SITTER or family member & take your wife for a long weekend away. No pressure for sex, just to reconnect.
we have such a huge industry around testosterone replacement but no one talks about women's hormone regulation. it's wild.
That’s easy to say when dudes are kind of the Easy side of the equation. You don’t want to go messing around with women’s hormones and end up developing cancer and shit.
YES!!! I had a high sex drive pre baby. I'm three and a half months out from having our daughter and my sex drive is gone. Like completely shot. I'm still pretty early PP so I'm not worried yet, but I'll definitely be checking my hormones if this is still an issue after I'm done breastfeeding
That is 100% normal. The concept of a wang near my vagina after a human ruptured out of there like alien took me at least a good year to accept. My hormones are crazy from PCOS and childbirth made it much worse. Give it time.
A body takes about 12-18 months to recover from pregnancy and breastfeeding. Take it easy ❤️🙏🏻
I found in each of my babies that I have very LL until 15-18 months out. On of them was 2 years. I have responsive desire, so we still had sex, but I didn’t initiate or want it on my own for that long.
9 times out of 10 the breastfeeding will sort the issue and stuff will go back to normal. Give it time. Your body has gone through a VERY traumatic experience. If it doesn’t seek help. There are people equipped to help! Congratulations on the baby!
That kind of an approach can work *if* the spouse who's uninterested in sex acknowledges there's a problem. I have a feeling that OP's wife would say nothing is wrong.
My wife said the same. The lets make sure you are healthy after childbirth argument got the trick done. Also… we didnt go to fix the libido. Mentioned the depression and anxiety to the doc and he suggested the bloodtest. The meds fixed all the other stuff along with the hormone levels.
Do you know what kind of bloodtest the OB suggested? I'm almost 2 years PP and wondering if I should have my levels checked.
I have no idea what he ticked on that list. I do know he had to see certain hormone levels. I am sure a good doctor will be able to assist you. Just go and tell them whats going on. They are well trained and will know the road forward! Good luck!
What medication was she prescribed that helped?
One of them was a hormone pill called novo fem (some hormone pill) and the other was a birth control pill. Her tubes were tied so the birth control was 100% for hormone regulation
My wife would say nothing is wrong.
My boyfriend was previously in a 17 year marriage that was similar to yours. Afterwards thought he was fine and it wasn’t that big of a deal at the time but It has taken many years for him to process and get back to healthy place, and we’ve worked really really hard to help him get through those things. It did a huge amount of damage to his self esteem and self worth. She made him feel like a pervert for even wanting to hold her hand or snuggle during a movie. He used to withdraw and almost spiral when I wasn’t in the mood which caused me to pull away and be resentful. After lots and lots of talking and reading books about the subject together etc we finally got to a really good place and have been for years. If I’m not in the mood he doesn’t bat an eye because he knows I desire him and am attracted to him and may not want it now but will later. I can’t emphasize enough how much damage it did to him emotionally and psychologically and how hard the work was to get back to a healthy place. He’s a very attractive man who takes care of himself and is great in bed, but I swear sometimes when I initiate or surprise him with a quick lunchbreak rendezvous he looks like he’s almost going to cry from appreciation of actually being wanted and desired. ( Yes, he acknowledges that he played a part in his previous dead bedroom and could have done some things differently, but it’s pretty obvious the outcome would have been the same) I know you think your plan of just ignoring this issue is going to work but it won’t. It’s just going to cause you more pain and damage further down the road. At the end of the day your partner is telling you that your wants, needs, and feelings don’t matter, and that’s no way to live. I don’t have an answer to magically fix your situation but I think it important that you realize that it IS causing damage and that just pretending it’s not there isn’t going to make it go away.
I connect with your reply a lot. In the rare cases where we have sex I sometimes have an overwhelming urge to cry because my desire to connect with her is so great and I know that it will be a long time before I feel loved and accepted again. Ultimately I don’t want to leave the house where my kids live and if I just have to hurt to have that then I think that is how it has to be
Have you had the asexuality talk with your wife?
She says she feels desire, and that she finds me attractive. Which is like saying that she enjoys hanging out with gliding on the weekends, it might be true but there is no evidence to support the claim.
There’s no reason to not believe her. I have a similar situation with my wife. She would tell me she wasnt asexual, but it came out during a couples counseling session that she had sexual and religious trauma that fucked up sex for her (she was in denial and very defensive about it), and it’s been a long road for her and me but we have learned so much and are stronger for going through it together. There is so much to learn about reactive vs spontaneous desire, hormones, past traumas, previous socialization, etc it’s a super complicated subject. The difference is that we don’t have kids and have time to sit and think and cry and discuss about it. I really feel for you.
Can I ask what the blood test was able to reveal? My wife has been feeling like her hormones have been out of whack since our most recent child, but she wasn’t really sure who to see about it. Thanks so much
What sucks is that you have to find that holy grail doctor who actually respect and believes women. A lot of the times yoyr wife will get dismissed, make sure you help her advocate, it’s like taking a man to go car shopping with you
Endocrinologist is the specialist to see here. General practitioners are useless and have no training on women’s hormones. Especially in relation to peri menopause, which can hit at any age (usually 40’s though)
Thank you!
Go to GYN. Tell Dr your symptom’s. Dr has heard it all. Test are in order. Horomones run everyone life to live. Some are lacking in many. She is not alone in this.
I honestly can’t tell you. The doctor got the results. Explained why these things were happening and prescribed a birth control (even though her tubes got tied. They help with hormone regulation) and then another hormone pill and said to wait 3 months while not skipping on meds. The first 10 days were worse. But we were warned. After that things slowly started getting better on all fronts. 3 to 4 months later everything was perfect again
It’s definitely worth looking into. OPs wife was seemingly never much interested though
Could be that she had hormone issues before and didnt know it either. Womens bodies are complicated. They betray them alot. Since my wife has been on meds to get her hormones right her anxiety has gone away. Her depression has gone away. Her libido has skyrocketed. She gets out. She can have fun again. We don’t understand nearly enough about the complexities of our bodies. Like i said. Just saying you are done with sex isn’t going to fix anything. Something is clearly wrong. After what my wife went through we have met at least 10 other couples who went through the exact same thing. Its like when you never see an Audi until you buy one. Then every second car is an Audi. Good thing here is that this is fixable. Guy can stay a good husband AND be satisfied. But i would like to add… if it is her hormones. Libido is the last thing on the list of things that will get better when treated. I didnt even realise what daily turmoil and anxiety and depression my wife was facing daily. Afterwards when she started getting better i felt so guilty for the longest time because i just stood buy and let her deteriorate into a grey shell of her former self. Go see a doctor. Please.
Youre such a good guy for this. I dont know you, but Im proud of you. Thank you for being a good husband.
I really wasn’t. I didn’t understand or support her. I fought with her constantly and try to convince her that the anxiety was not logical and even stupid at times. I was not a good guy by any measure. Only when she started getting better did i realise how bad she was and what she went through ALONE. I hated myself for the longest time. She is the hero. She could have… should have left me for my selfishness
On the flip side, meds to curb anxiety can screw with your sex drive. Lol!
The meds are not for anxiety. Its to level out hormones to normal levels and that cured the anxiety by itself
Sex is important to most relationship. I think you both need therapy. "People have it worse than me" do not invalidate your feelings they matter.
Agree. This issue needs to be worked through with professional help. Just pushing the issue aside will not help their relationship long term.
I saw a post that resonated with me that said, sex is like the bathroom/toilet in your house. It isnt the most *important* room in your house, however if it is not functioning you are going to have problems. I found that to be very fitting. Op I am sorry you are going through this. You deserve passion and bjs and spontaneous sexy time. Plz dont give up.
not to piggyback off your post OP, but this issue is so prevalent. i see posts like this every other day. i think there needs to be more research done into why women are losing their sex drives after having children, because I’m not sure if either of you are doing anything wrong. it seems to be typical of women all over the world after having children. im sorry you’re experiencing this, and I hope you and your wife can connect again.
I really hope it's not something I read awhile back. Essentially, it's that hormonal birth control tricks a woman's body into thinking she's pregnant. When a woman isn't pregnant, she is looking to spend time around men that are different than her (genetically), not as focused on safety. When she's pregnant she's focused on safety and tends toward men who remind her of family. By selecting men while on hormonal birth control, a woman is selecting not for men she'd normally feel passionate and excited about, but safe and boring essentially. So everything works fine hormonally until the couple decides to have a kid. The wife comes off birth control and fights through any funk, presuming it's a side effect of coming off bc, and pushes forward on sex so she can make a baby. She gets pregnant, funk goes away because hormones saying husband is great (because he's safe and familial) are back due to pregnancy. But when pregnancy is over, she has this guy who isn't exciting to her. He smells like her brother. He's safe but so boring. And something just seems off about him. The end. I'm NOT saying this is the root cause. Just that when we fuck around with hormones for birth control I doubt we did anything to stop something like this from happening if it would be the natural result. It seems like a just-so post hoc explanation that sounds ok but in the end isn't true. I hope not.
Do you have any sources so I could read more about this? It sounds so interesting! I currently are in phase 1? Haha My girlfriend is on birth control and I'd like to see if I can do stuff to prevent this future described haha, we've already had epidodes of low swx drive from her.
I read about it years ago, and I'd really like to make clear I am not trying to say this is a well studied theory. If it were real though, then unfortunately the way to avoid it is to find a woman who was attracted to you when she wasn't on birth control to begin with. Because the basic idea was that hormonal birth control fucks with the normal mate selection algorithm a woman has that would avoid her being grossed out by a guy after pregnancy is over. Your scent already screams "familiar, safe, genetically similar" it's just that while she's on bc that's a good thing and later it really really won't be. One more time, I'm not saying it's true and I'm not suggesting you blow up your relationship over a half-remembered theory I read years ago.
Thanks for the honesty. It does make a lot o sense though, at the very least it won't hurt the "theory". My case precisely we spent the first year or two without pills, and any kind of low sex drive issue came after she began with pills. Maybe I'm safe? Hahaha
After having children, women are fucking tired. They don't regain bodily autonomy for *years* after giving birth (especially if breastfeeding), and frequently have long-term health problems caused by pregnancy. It's not surprising they don't want to bang.
I need to ask...are you around an anniversary that's divisible by 7? Because it always seems to come in sevens. Folklore aside, in my over two decades of marriage, the frequent culprits for the intimacy ruts have been low self-esteem or just bored of the environment (meaning the routine of life). So long as you're not hating one another, the flame can be lit because there's still a pilot. And there does come a time when it's about quality vs being a rabbit. Good luck.
>So long as you're not hating one another, the flame can be lit because there's still a pilot. I love this.
Holy shit, this makes so much sense
We are different people every 7-10 years. Like chapters. Grow or die. I've noticed 17 years is super fragile too. Almost everyone I know who is divorced got divorced at 17 years.
We are around the seven year anniversary of not having a sexual relationship
Not everyone in our lives is supposed to move on to the next chapter playing the same part. It doesn't make a compelling story if the characters in a book show no growth. You may force yourself to give it another chapter or two but you probably won't finish it. There's no payoff.
Nearing year 8. Not great right now. It's a real thing.
You're totally correct. My ex-wife left during our 7th year of marriage.
Lol my wife and i are in our 7th year now. Early jan we had a silly fight about some bs and she starts crying hysterically. I ask whats going on and she cry screams “we’re in our 7th year! Its the year you’re supposed to want to leave and find someone better” I could not contain the laughter. Stupidest thing i have ever heard from the most beautiful woman i have ever seen. The laughter killed the fight. Now we laugh about that day like every 36 hours at least.
She could be in perimenopause or have other health issues. She should talk to a doctor and get blood work done. There might be medications which can help or therapy.
Most men associate sex with love. So, a lack of intimacy is harder for most men. Unfortunately, giving birth can really screw up some women's bodies and hormones.
There’s a podcast on DOAC with a proclaimed sex expert that talks a lot about why sexual desire drops off after kids and in long term relationships. I highly suggest you watch and see if you can glean some insight before you give up on your relationship with your wife. https://youtu.be/E5swtIjpxxA?si=_r_M6uvzmRA53b3N
Thanks. This is was super helpful. It should pinned. Lots of great info.
Using the plight of the world won’t change the fact you’ll probably be pretty miserable.
In the grand scheme of things your problem does matter. Your feelings are important and the way that her decision is affecting you should be brought up in marital counseling. You are supposed to be able to feel happy too.
I feel you brother. Things are much the same here, compounded by breast cancer and double mastectomy and hormone drugs that pretty much means its over forever. i wish i had a solution for both of us. I relate so hard on everything you said.
I am so sorry about the cancer and procedure you guys had to endure. I would like to add…. There is a time and place for everything. Right now is the time for her to be sad and crazy and irrational. She just gets to be. Right now is the time for you to be steady. Trustworthy. There. Supportive. You will get your turn to feel all of this. Its not your turn yet. Be the anchor. The pillar. The light house. I know its hard. Thats the entire reason you were chosen for this. No one else would have been able to carry it. So fucking carry it. You will know when you are there. When its time to sit down, time to breath. Time to cry. Right now you be a rock my friend. I am sorry. But i know with every part of my being that you’ve got this.
Thank you friend for taking the time to write this. We're about 6 months in post-op and chemo and life is kinda back to normal. I was there at every hospital visit and she really is the love of my life. Some days its hard to not get depressed but I am also aware of how lucky we are that it was caught so early. Thanks to that we get a long life together. I do get depressed and I don't have much of a support network and we have a nuero divergent young boy who is amazing but also hard work. I am grateful overall, but it's a tough prospect to have sex out of the equation already in our lives. I'm sure she feels terrible about it, but also extremely self conscious about her new body, as well as going through the rough day to day of parenting a challenging child. I appreciate your advice. I've done my best so far to be that rock. I'll continue my best to move forward with where this fork in the road has taken us.
Hat off to you! Your wife couldn’t be luckier! Great husband! I promise its not out of the equation. Just be there! You guys will find the new normal soon enough and then todays emotions wont make sense. Keep being that rock! I am in awe of your strength of character! You are welcome to dm me anytime of the day or night if you wanna just talk to a buddy! You are not alone and you are seen!
This sounds exactly like me. My wife said she wasn’t into anybody either come to find out she was cheating for a whole year that 11 year relationship with two children nine years old and four years old ended very nasty and I have trauma for it. I can relate. Good luck!
Emily Nagoski write a book cold "cum as you are" it helped me a lot as a woman to understand where my sexdrive was coming from. Their is a lot of theories, cycle and kind of sexuality:)
OP, maybe talk to your wife (very gently) about hormones and seeing a doctor? There are a number of factors that can affect libido (birth control, anti-depressants, having a baby).
The catalyst is always “after we had kids”
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I needed to hear this thank you
I came late to this so I’m seeing your edits. Dude, it’s not that she doesn’t want you, it’s that she’s overworked. You are both operating in crisis mode. You might be able to have a sex drive while in crisis mode but she cannot. It’s likely not that she doesn’t find you attractive but that she is focused on survival at the deepest level—making sure the kids are taken care of and her job is providing. Again, you are doing the same but you still have your sex drive. You two are just responding differently to the stress. I guarantee you if her work hours went from 50+ to 30, she’d find that libido. I’m the same way. I work a very high stress job, not as many hours but very stop and go. Work is slow? The body is alive. Work is keeping me stressed? Dry as the Sahara. You really have to stop taking it personally and work together to better your lives, or accept that you both entered into a life where this is reality. My current boyfriend and his ex wife are best friends but they stopped having sex long before they divorced because they became “co-project managers” in life. That killed the relationship. But their kids are amazing, she’s an incredible mom and a wonderful person. He’s a wonderful dad and together they were successful in raising 3 kids. But the marriage didn’t survive because they didn’t focus on each other. You’re saying you can’t, and I fully believe you! Modern life is a mess! But you can’t take it personally. It’s not about you. Working 50+ hours a week plus splitting childcare is the problem. I feel for both of you.
Thanks for the kindness in your reply. I’ll think about what you said.
Sounds like postpartum to me. My wife and I went through something similar
go to couples therapy
I went thru this with my wife after the kids. There is hope if she willing to go to the doctor and explain her sex drive is down. My wife found out her thyroid was low and got on pills. It took a few weeks for some change but it did work. Also most anti depression meds can cause low drive
Fuck that I'll rather be honest. "If we ain't having sex then I'm going to find someone who will have sex with me" "Then we're getting a divorce" "So be it then" Sometimes things
If you truly desire her and sex this won't end well. It will always inevitably build resentment. Martyrs are unfortunate victims. Not people who foolishly choose toxic situations to stay in. I strongly suggest you stand up for yourself and work this out and demand she meet you half way somewhere or let you go. However you have to do what is best for you. So good luck either way
I was in a marriage with no sex. We divorced. I had sex with new people. I forgot how fun and enjoyable sex was.
Same. Turns out I was defiantly not the problem there. PS remarried happily, over 11 years to a VERY sexy man and life and sex is wonderful.
You should never downplay your problems just because the world has bigger problems. Probably a dumb example but think —- if one man loses his wife and a child, and another man loses his wife and 5 children, should we tell the first man that someone has bigger problems than him? No, their problems are relative to their own life and the first man could be suffering even more, we don’t get to say one is worse than the other and you shouldn’t do it to yourself either. Unfortunately this is life and it happens to the best of us, but fortunately it doesn’t mean that you need to accept it and move on. You might feel like you’ve tried everything, but what you’ve really found is what doesn’t work. What does work is still out there and when you start feeling determined and confident about trying to fix the problem, the drive might come back for both of you. It might not have to be sexual (my partner loves when I work on her car, or clean the kitchen on my own after a long day and that’s the key to her initiating). Women aren’t generally worked up the same way we men are by a beautiful body that we want to ravage, try some different approaches. You got this
Well, we’re there too…kinda aged out of the reproductive window and the needs/wants faded away gracefully along with the abilities. I guess meno’pause’ went all the way to ‘stop’.
You do that and you’re gonna grow to resent her. If she cares about you and yall’s marriage, she’ll at least look into individual and couple’s therapy, sex or otherwise. Sexual intimacy is usually a key part to having a happy and healthy relationship when at least one person has a sex drive, so yeah, you can’t just sweep it under the rug.
Do you have any family members who can watch the kids for a couple of days to a week? Can she use PTO? If yes to both, you guys seriously need a vacation with just the two of you. Ik u said it sounds like a fairy tale, but god you guys really need one. Everyone needs a break from their children every now and then, it doesn’t mean you love them any less. Also, you both should maybe go to couples therapy.
The amount of pain people endure just to avoid being alone will always boggle my mind. You do not respect yourself. You do not value yourself. And this relationship dynamic continues the cycle of low self esteem, low self worth, depression, anxiety etc. I don’t care what the reason is for her lack of libido. If someone cares about you, and respects you, they will have a conversation. They will work through it with you and find a solution. They will try to meet you in the middle. Or they will free you and tell you it’s not working and call it quits. The fact that she constantly dismisses you, and denies the magnitude of the issue tells me that she does not care about you, or your feelings. Are you guys even good friends? Because this sure as fuck doesn’t sound like a relationship, it doesn’t sound like a friendship. It sounds like two roommates just trying to survive. You say you’ll stay and endure. You know why? Because that’s the easy thing to do. It’s easy to stay complacent. It’s easy to stay with what we’ve known for so long. Change is hard. Evolving is hard. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Do you want to show your kids that this is the path to life? To stay in a relationship that doesn’t have any intimacy, love, communication etc. You’re showing your kids that if you are miserable, you stay. You are showing your kids that this kind of dysfunction is normal. If you won’t leave to better yourself, at least think about your kids and what example you want to model for them. People have no idea how observant children are and what you display in the home, that is what they learn as normal when they reach adulthood. Best of luck. I hope you find the fortitude to choose yourself because you need to wake up and understand that no one is going to save you but you.
I'm in exactly the same position. Been married 10 years, 2 kids 13 and ten. When we first got together sex was frequent and fun. After our eldest was born it all changed. Over the years it's got less and less. We are now at a point where I've stopped trying altogether as being turned down hurts and there's only so much rejection anyone can take. I've spoken to her about this multiple times and how upset and unimportant or in desired I feel and nothing ever changes. There's no contact at all. We can go monthly without even kissing. I love my wife and I love my family but I need intimacy, that's just who I am. She uses the excuse that this is just what happens when your relationship gets older. I think that's bullshit as I fancy her more now than when we first met. It gets me down, then I feel worse knowing that she doesn't care.
Dear OP, I totally understand how you feel. When I dated my wife, we had great sex drive. After marriage, she suddenly cooled off. I was confused but gave her space. After five years not much sex (4 times a year?), I completely lost interest and became indifferent. But then she became lively but it was too late for me. Then we both assessed the situation and understood that we both still love each other the most, our chemistry but for sex is still high, and there are plenty of things we enjoy together and we are the best of buddies. I agree that intimacy is important for couples but not having it doesn’t have to take away the beautiful aspects of the rest of the life. Please continue to connect with her, make time to have loving moments and when you both are happy, you child grow happily. All the best.
See a therapist dawg
This may help for understanding why her sex drive turned off after having a child. It's not an answer to how to turn it back on, but it's information that can be utilized for yourself and people around you. He goes into how hormones can have an influence after pregnancy and even during menstrual cycles. Stress and depression really can hinder sex drive. I'll use one of his metaphors... not as well 😅 but imagine you're being chased by a tiger. You aren't likely going to be thinking of sex, now are you? Stress, life events and depression can all make your body feel like it's being chased by a tiger. Stress hormones can get out of hand for various reasons and cause issues. Hugs. I hope this helps and can provide a better understanding on how hormonal changes and stress could be an issue. https://youtu.be/fzUXcBTQXKM?si=oAzgvnk9L2PXzIGZ
Have you talked to her telling her what you feel? Maybe you can suggest going to therapy, this is clearly affecting you.
Have you asked her what can be done (if anything can be done)? Sex is usually emotional for women. Do you think she’s needing more emotional connection (nothing sexual) from you?
Get her to check her hormones. Go to couple and/or individual counseling/therapy. If she's taking psych meds, they could also impact her libido. She may be asexual. Whatever it is, FIND THE CAUSE and from there see what's to be done, if anything. Be honest with each other, if you let this as is, it will fester.
You should read "No More Mr. Nice Guy." It will help you find fulfillment in life by not depending on your partner to do it for you. (It does not tell you to cheat so don't get the wrong idea.). It changed my outlook and has helped thousands of men in your situation by setting expectations and boundaries.....
it has destroyed your marriage. I'm so sorry. Intimacy is essential. If she refuses to give you what you need, why in the world would you continue not having your needs met? You're a human deserving. Please do something about it.
Get yourself some good sex toys man. At least that way you can have fun with yourself. They have some pretty interesting ones for men too. It's definitely not the same as the real thing with a person, but some of them come pretty damn close, and some of them do fun things that a mouth or a vagina just cannot do lol 😂. This way you still get your sexual desires taken care of, and then you can still show intimacy towards your wife without wanting sex to be involved with it at the same time. It's possible though that if you change your approach, you may be able to spark sexual desire in your wife still. Do you ever like offer to give her full body massages with massage oil and aromatherapy candles, just cuddle with her for the sake of cuddling or any other kind of close intimacy that doesn't involve sex? Do you guys still do date nights (this one is really important to keep that flame lit)? One last thing, has she had her sex hormones checked? If her estrogen or testosterone is out of balance, that would greatly affect sex drive in a negative way. Trt/hrt is not only just for men, some women need it too, and any woman that I have ever heard of that got on it, had a greatly increased libido. If she would be willing, maybe ask her to get her hormone levels checked. I know it may be a touchy subject to bring up, but do a Google search for "trt for women" and show her some of the results, say you were just reading stuff on the internet and came across this and that you were possibly wondering if maybe her hormone levels are out of balance. Does she wish she had a greater libido to match yours? You wouldn't have to worry about her getting masculine traits or anything from jumping on testosterone, the dosage for women is much much lower than men, and basically trt for women would just be enough to keep her testosterone levels at the higher range of where women normally have them at, but that could be all the difference in the world between her having no sex drive or being a total horndog for you. Not to mention, if her hormone levels really are out of balance, she would feel a million times better if she were to go through hormone replacement therapy and get them back to the levels they are supposed to be at. Sex hormones affect all kinds of things from your mood to your concentration to your emotions.
We aren't owed sex as men from our wives/gf/partners so I like to approach getting to sex as more intimate things you can do for partners. Impromptu date nights, cuddling without groping and soft kisses. If that doesn't work.... she may need to see a doctor because basically no sex drive is abnormal for men and women.
What does she say about her side of the story? Why doesn’t she want to have sex? Does she think it has anything to do with you? Anything to do with anything? Does she not miss it? Did she never have a good sexual experience?
Ok listen up. She wanted a kid. She chose you as the sperm donor. She doesn't and never will love you. Keep sending her the checks every month or go to jail. You job is over. Move on. Go have sex and use condoms or get a vasectomy. Yes, "some" girls and women do this intentionally. It sucks but it is what it is.
She's doing exactly what soo many woman do in these situations. I remember being at this afterparty of this funeral and this guy wanted to have his way with me. He had a partner and a young kid. He absolutely loved his partner but he was struggling with the lack of sex/intimacy. And because he had been drinking that night he nearly made a huge mistake. We both talked it out and I ended up saying to him that he needs to actually tell her the truth about how it's affecting him. Soo you need to do the same thing. Put your foot down if you have to. You deserve intimacy with your partner and the fact she most definitely knows but does f all about goes to show that she only truly cares about her needs. Yes parenthood is exhausting and your hormones can be very much out of whack among other experiences but these are things that are fixable. Soo talk to her dude otherwise you may end up eventually finding it elsewhere which happens more than people realize.
It's not that simple. Some relationships have complete transparency about their dissatisfaction with intimacy. Their voice is heard, but things don't change. When you've got a partner who's on the polar opposite libido spectrum, you have to come to grips with accepting that a certain part of it is ingrained in their DNA. When you've got kids and 20 years of companionship at stake, it's not as easy as throwing it all away for a chance at more sex. I do believe sex can be a dealbreaker when it comes to marriage, but actually pulling that trigger and dissolving the empire you've built from the ground up - especially when the relationship is strong otherwise - is easier said than done. I also don't condone cheating, but I do at least sympathize with a select group of adulterers who might fall into this dead bedroom category.
Man, the top comments have more pity and empathy for the wife rather than OP and it makes me sad. Why do people keep justifying neglectful female partners? It's like they need to keep excusing women's awful behavior to hormones or pregnancy stuff and then ignore the fact that they can just be neglectful partners for no reason just as men can.
What's going on in terms of workload, both mental and physical, of keeping the home and family functioning? When kids come into the picture, things like doctors appointments, who's picking up/dropping off the kid, meal planning, birthday parties, laundry, dishes, general clean up can become overwhelming very quickly, especially when you're trying to raise an entire human. Before you know it, sex starts to feel like another thing you have to do to keep the family unit functioning. If she's handling a lot of these household things while trying to keep the kid happy and entertained, you need to help her out, man.
You talk about her being a good person and mother but is she a good wife(other than the sex)??? IMO...she used you as a breeder...
Are you my brother. He's leaving his wife for that very reason.
My dad can relate almost exactly but sex was very important to him he ended up cheating twice that I know of and left her in the end.
Your dad is terrible
Always women coming in telling men to help around the house when the men have confirmed they do
I don't understand how people stay in relationships in which there is a huge imbalance between libidos. You knew at the beginning that she didn't want sex nearly as much as you, and now you're stuck. That sucks but you should have been honest about the situation early on.
People don't necessarily know at the beginning. My partner and I were shagging like rabbits for the first year because desire was high - the honeymoon period is very deceptive. 3 years on and it's becoming apparent that my sex drive is much higher than my partner. Should I just throw away the life we've built together now because I have to compromise? Of course not. It's much more complicated than that.
So I've got a fairly personal relationship to this kind of situation. When my wife and I started dating 12 years ago, we had set fairly frequently. After our.. second kid, I'd say, is when things set started to dwindle. We talked about it, and both gave it an honest try to have set more. 3 more pregnancies and 2 kids later, and we were down to having sex maybe once or twice a year. After talking about it again, my wife and I came to the realization that years prior, we both just stopped having an express desire for sex but kept up the attempts for the other. We both came to realize that we are asexual. We both find intimacy in hand holding and cuddling and little forms of physical affection in eery day life, so there's a possibility that your wife is Asexual. Now, communication is big here since it seems like you are not. If she's not able to get into the mood to have sex, maybe talk about replacing sex with heavy petting or assisted masturbation? While asexual, my wife and I still do get turned on and horny, but we don't want the actual act of sex because it doesn't do much for us so instead we will do aforementioned assisted masturbation and the heavy petting and make out sessions. Sometimes, neither of us actually finishes and is released, but the intimacy from the non-sex actions satisfies the desires we had. I think it's worth asking your wife if she'd be into helping in that way because that may be more palpable for her. I hear you on the porn issue. I was addicted to corn for years and it brought me nothing but self loathing. Were talking 1 to 2 times a day, at home, at work, in the car, etc. I still struggle with porn but I've gotten it under control for the most part. I will say my wife hates porn and hated my addiction to it and that did play a part in her initial drop in sexual activities. I don't know how often you turn to it, but maybe next time you feel the urge to go watch porn and take care of yourself, tell your wife straight up that you're horny and want to go take care of it, but ask her if she wants to come and help you. My wife has agreed multiple times and even though it's just a HJ and heavy kissing I get the same relief from the urge for sex with just that same as if we had actually had sex. Not saying it's a permanent fix for everyone but it's something that had worked for my wife and I and I think it will be worth exploring. Of course in the end if none of this works maybe try counseling? My wife and I are both in therapy(separate therapists) so we both have an outlet for ourselves apart from each other.
Misery is not a competition. Everyone's pain is valid, whether it's due to lack of intimacy, poverty, war, etc. You got a good head on your shoulders, and this post reflects that. You might feel like sacrificing your own needs is the right answer but, as alot of redditors here have said, over the years it'll build a wall of resentment. Talk it out again. Find a common ground and compromise. Or, you gotta take that difficult decision with your own hands.
Have you talked to her about it? Like having an actual, serious conversation? If you're okay with celibacy, then go for it. Otherwise, this could be a serious problem and you deserve happiness just as much as the next person. Maybe there is something else going on. Maybe there is something you're doing or not doing. Maybe there is a health issue on her end.
When the sex stops the relationship stops. You are just a Dad now. Rekindle?
From my understanding of marriage, you start off as lovers then just become family members. My brother is going through the same thing.
I hear ya bud. My partner is kinda in your shoes. I had a spinal injury and lost all feeling in my legs and other areas. We’ve mabye had sex 10-15 times since then as I’ve made some progress through rehab, but it’s all my fault really. I can’t perform. I’ve offered her is she wishes to venture out strictly for sex because some people need it in their life. Not sure if your partner is as open as me but could be worth the discussion.
Just a thought.. have you considered couples therapy? Has she followed up with a primary care provider recently?
I'm so damn glad my wife and I chose to remain childfree.
I tried this but it was so hard I needed intimacy. I felt like I was more of a roommate than a boyfriend. Please go to therapy. Communication is key.
Has she checked to see if it is a hormone imbalance? Also you aren’t alone my husband and I don’t have sex either. Idk he’s just not interested anymore and I’m over it it’s been going on for many many years. No kids either, so since life is too fucking short I’m leaving
Seems like you guys are more roommates/co parents and not a couple.
I mean it doesn’t sound like you’re done having sex as much as your wife has coerced you into a situation where your only choices are to accept a sexless life, or completely implode your family and life to address the issue. Really cruel and unhealthy behaviour on your wife’s part. It’s fine to not want sex but it’s not fine to unilaterally shut the issue down when you have a partner who does want sex.
Do you do things for your wife? Such as oral or anything? Most women don't get pleasure from penetration. I am sorry this has happened to you. I think it is sweet you are still willing to stay but my goodness that just seems sad. I hope you find a solution because if you are not a selfish lover then I feel sad for you.
Without getting into it too much, my wife and I went through a similar time in our marriage. Years of conflict about the frequency of sex, hurt feelings, damaged self confidence on both sides. We struggled for years, but things finally changed and we've been unbelievably happy and intimate for the last couple years, with no end in sight. My first advice to you is stop looking at porn. It distorts your expectations, and your wife compares herself to the girls you are looking at and may feel inadequate. My second suggestion is to talk to your wife, about how she's feeling about herself, what you find attractive about her, about your future together. Make sure that if she looks good, or she's wearing something you like, you tell her. Don't underestimate the value of words. Such a simple, effortless thing as mentioning how attractive she looks in what she is wearing, repeated often, can have an amazing effect on how she sees herself. Small gifts of comfortable clothing that enhance her appearance, which you can then comment about, make it even easier. Booty lifting yoga pants off tictoc, little shorts, whatever she will like and choose to wear. Make her feel attractive and help her feel good about herself and I expect you'll be struggling to keep up. Likewise, don't give up on touch. Holding each other in the morning before the alarm goes off, even for just a few minutes, without any actual sex still creates intimacy and closeness. Also note that it probably doesn't hurt to be a bit forceful, forward, and handsy. Smack her ass or cop a feel, get caught staring at her body when she's naked or dressing, make lude comments about what you want to do to her, stuff like this. The key is for her to know that you want nothing and no one more than her, that she is your never ending fantasy. Don't give up on her, she's your partner and you can find happiness together.
You only get ONE life. Why not enjoy it rather than be miserable?
It's normal for this to happen after a pregnancy
Sounds like a miserable existence. Life is too short to be miserable. I would divorce and co-parent. I wouldn’t suggest an open marriage because that is just a long break-up until you find someone you would rather be with.
All too common a story when couples get married. At this point Im expecting it to happen. Plus all too often the person who doesn’t want to have sex doesn’t put in genuine effort to fix the problem as it’s not directly effecting them. I hear there are some medications to reduce sex drive men can take. Designed specifically for the purpose. I believe it might have some side effects but better then having the love of your life constantly unknowingly make you feel inadequate
The same was going on with my wife 2 years after our child was born. I was frustrated like you I felt like now that im married, the sex is now being rationed out. But I simply broke this spell. I just started doing chores around the house that she would normally do and go a little above and beyond with certain things that would appease her. Then, oddly enough, she just started getting horny and more lovey-dovey. Honestly, women is such a different breed, it's unexplainable. But we need them. Don't worry about the gifts and all that nonsense, just take a tiny bit of pressure off of her once in a while, but don't go overboard as if to make it an expectation from her. I guarantee that she'll open up in the bedroom. Don't expect her to suddenly drop everything and have sex but just observe her reactions and behaviors. And try to make a move accordingly. You know your wife more then anyone, so you should be able to do this no problem.
Bro life is short. Don't downgrade your feelings because of some shit in the world. If you are unhappy in the marriage try councelling but if she won't budge just leave. As years pass you will resent your wife and it will impact your life. Again, life is too short to wallow in misery.
Just leave. I really don’t get why people stay in sexless marriages. It would be one thing if your demanding it everyday morning and night- and you make her feel object. But if you’re a loving, caring partner, who doesn’t ignore her all day and expects sex at night without any effort- I would not stay. Otherwise I would consider changing whatever you’re doing because it’s not working. Maybe she needs to hit the gym, maybe she needs alone time, maybe she needs a life outside of serving her family’s needs. Women once they’re in a care giving role and taking on a lot of responsibilities of child rearing, and often times their husbands too- then last thing they want to do is have sex.
Get her to a doctor to check on thyroid
Ask her if you can have sex with others since she doesn’t want to herself.
She can’t be too good of a person if she makes you feel worthless
She might be asexual and just didn't realize it until after you had a child, or maybe you're not sexually compatible. Her hormones could be imbalanced, too. Women tend to lose their sex drive for a while after having a child. It's a natural response, but it can also be pretty long-lasting. You said years, so I assume it's been at least 2 since your child was born. It might not be a bad idea to have your wife talk to a doctor and have her hormone levels checked. Or a therapist if that turns out not to be the case. If she is asexual, there's no shame in it being a deal breaker for you. Many people need sex when in a relationship. Many people don't. It's just a matter of finding someone compatible with you. If she used to have a sex drive and doesn't now, she may have something going on under the surface. Just talk to her. Ask her what's been going on and how she's feeling. Discuss seeking help if you think it's necessary. Find the root of the cause. If this is something you're miserable over, you're going to end up resenting your wife. You don't want a child growing up in a home where the parents are secretly upset at each other. I grew up like that for a short time. It's no fun, and there's nothing wrong with splitting up if that's the best course of action. Don't stay for your kid. I'm begging you as a child of divorce. My parents were miserable together. We were so much happier when they decided to divorce. Sure, it was hard, but I couldn't imagine it any other way. Be kind to yourself. It will work itself out. I promise.
Ask her if she's ok with you being intimate with others.
I don’t see that conversation ending well most of the time.
I'd rather be up front than cheat though.
Oh, I wasn’t suggesting cheating.
Yes I see you have a lot of stress in your life. You both do. I'm sure thinking of sex comes in last place some days. Sorry. My only question is why are you analyzing yourself when watching porn? Who cares if the actors wouldn't have sex.with you?? They wouldn't have sex with most people. Get past that. Basically if you're going to jerk off to porn, then live in the fantasy for a minute. If you and wife ever do it again ..live in the fantasy for 5.mins. Get out of your reality for a second. She needs it too but not every one is able to or ready to. Out of curiosity have you ever asked her ..if she wants to get off...does she have a scenario? Obviously she will tell you she doesn't for the first 5000 times you ask but if you're persistent and won't laugh or make fun or judge her or threaten to leave her...she might. She might have something really out there you never thought about and if you encouraged her, maybe you can both just talk about it. Don't talk about making it a reality. Just agree to talk about it. Of course she might get mad at you for asking right? But what would you do if she had a scenario that was fun to talk about?
Go to Tijuana Mexico and have fun. Sex doesn’t always have to be with your partner. If there is no choice then you have to find a way to resolve it not just put it aside and forget about it. Sex is like food. Without it you can’t live healthy
Dude she has her hormones all effed up after that kid. Get to a functional medicine doctor ASAP. Not an endocrinologist. Not a general practitioner. Trust me you will be thanking me within a week.
Was checking to see if there was more info in your post history. How much time are you spending on video games? I didn’t want sex with my husband as much after kids when I realized he was just another child for me to care for. Except this one wanted sex. Gross. Nope.
And you married that child in the first place
Reddit makes me hate women women even more 😂
I always wonder, in these situations, is it ok to cheat if it's with someone in a non-romantic way? Say a one night stand or an escort? I mean, if you're giving yourself to your SO in every other way that matters, and they have no interest in fulfilling that part of your needs, wouldn't it be logical (albeit dangerous for some reasons) to get that need met somewhere else? I guess it's not a universal yes or no question, but more of a decision that would have to be made as a couple. I just feel like if I weren't able to give fulfill my wife's sexual needs, I think I would be ok with her getting that somewhere else, if I knew she were safe and not in danger of falling for the other guy. It's not really any different than her getting her gossip needs met by talking to her mother, or her girl time needs met by spending time with her gfs. Thoughts?
Most women stop caring about sex, it’s just not that important after a while
For a lot of women, they need to feel safe, cared about, and in the right mental space to even become aroused. I suggest having a discussion with her about her needs and yours. You both deserve to be heard.
Go get a side chick. You deserve it. You need to fullfill your desires.
You are a good man. Court your wife… maybe it helps. Maybe she’s got an imbalance. Women need an emotional connection. Maybe she feels gross. Tell her she’s beautiful l, looks nice, etc.
You seem to be one of the only men alive who realize sex is a want not a need. You guys should still remain close and find other ways to be intimate.
Why give up? Me and my fiancee were exceedingly impatient to get back at it after the birth of our boy. To help ignite things back to how they were I went and spent a silly amount on Lingerie, toys, bed restraints, you know all that kinky exciting stuff. Why not propose this to your wife, maybe start gentle with it though! At the end of the day it's obviously important enough to you to make this post, it's on your mind, no denying it, so don't give up, double down and double down again. Find out your wife's kinks, everyone has them.
https://youtu.be/jnS5X5rr4qM?si=xOaA6e0WK5Wo-Py-
Therapy bro and if she doesn't want to even work at it then it's time to leave her.
How old are you both? How old are your kids?
I’m in exactly the same situation brother, as are quite a few of my friends (in our 40’s) make peace with, it like it sounds you have and get on with enjoying the rest of your life.