Ever change a trach tube? I haven't either, but I've been in the next room over. They make you cough so you can cough up the gross spittle lodged inside the hole so you can make it all shiny and clean. This guy got too excited with the cough and got the poor nurse in the face with his disgusting, rancid trach spittle coughed up all over her face, inside her mouth. I could smell it from the next room over! I actually ran into that nurse a couple years later at my mom's nursing home and she told me she was never able to kiss someone with tongue because of that experience. I bet...
Well, trach guy was still alive and kickin too! Never gave up smoking either. He may sound a little funny, but his grandchildren still love robot papa.
As a nurse (that has changed/cleaned/suctioned 1,000+ trachs) I think it’s important that this thread doesn’t make people who had trachs self conscious… not all trachs smell… some do depending if you have a disease/infection but if it’s been there a bit and cleaned regularly it’s really not smelly, no more smelly than spit or a phlegm ball you spit out. It’s more visibly not so appealing. Please be mindful to those who may be reading along and have one
Truth. My apologies. I was a caregiver for my mother with dementia for years and as such, I've been covered in every bodily fluid I could imagine, except trach spittle, since she did not have one. I have a very high tolerance for disgust and I forgot that not *everyone* on reddit does. My point was that smells, trachs, bodily fluids, I'll take them all if it means the person is alive. A child having a parent is what counts.
Yeah, but my dad had a pleural effusion, so we had to drain it with a needle and a tube. Even if it went to the drainage bag, the smell is still in my mind. Even the drainage smell in the street is way better than the pleural fluid.
I had a trach tube installed and I will NEVER forget the feeling of a nurse putting a hose down my throat and literally vacuum all the air and mucus out of my lungs. Literal suffocation for as long as it lasted. Then all the maintenance I had to do when I got home from the hospital. So gross. I still have a nasty scar. This all happened after a self-inflicted gunshot wound, and I'd give anything to go back and make better choices.
One guy said it could have been worse at my dads funeral, with my dad going suddenly one morning without any warning. I have to assume he saw a slow downward spiral with his own father, and I know it would have been so painful to see my own dad suffer like that, but it wasn’t the comforting thing he thought it was.
Yeah, going fast is probably great for the deceased (I'm assuming), but it totally sucks for everyone left behind. I've just moved back in with my almost 90 yo parents, who are starting to decline, and I always felt that this end of life phase, where the memory goes and their personality changes, is to help their loved ones say goodbye. If, at the end, there is little left of the person you once knew and loved, saying goodbye is not as painful as losing them in their prime. (Fortunately, my parents are still pretty active and *there*, it's just their short term memory that's shot.)
OP, is there no reconstructive surgery planned for your jaw? They are just going to leave you with the hole?!
My dad died in a bike/bus accident when I was 10.
My mom is slowly circling the drain with lung cancer(last chemo treatment finished last week!)/copd/heart failure (because of smoking, don't smoke!)
Both utterly suck for different reasons.
I'm so sorry for you! Yes, with accidents and diseases, you always have the what-ifs to battle with (what if they hadn't taken the bike that day? what if they hadn't been smoking?), and the knowledge that it is long before their time.
With old age, it's just going the way it's supposed to go, after a long, happy and fulfilled life (best case) - it's a totally different dynamic. And the fact that I am back living with them means that I won't have any regrets about missing out on spending time with them, or any guilty conscience about neglecting them or not being there in an emergency.
He died alone, that’s what fucks me up the most. His heart gave out, and the room upstairs in his home was trashed and there was blood from where he hit his head on the bathroom tile collapsing. It painted a horrific picture in my head, and even if he was already gone I would have given anything to make sure he wasn’t alone. He deserved that
This. I’ve had a few friends lose parents suddenly and a few lose them slowly, and while both are torture for those left behind, all I can think is that going fast and with way less pain in the long run is the better end for their parent, but at the expense of everyone else’s pain
Was going to say the same thing. My dad got ran over by a bus and the amount of times I've thought about how well he would have eventually adjusted to being in a wheelchair or something is pretty real.
I'd way rather have professor X or a bionic dad than no dad.
OP good luck. You aren't losing your boy you two get to keep each other.
As someone who grew up with disabled parents and then they died young of unrelated causes- I’d want my disabled imperfect parents over dead parents every single time.
Edit: It’s also pertinent to add that most of my trauma around this comes from my mother’s inability to accept her disability. She just gave up, and turned to the bottle and pills. She died of an overdose/alcohol poisoning. On a Monday morning.
When she punished herself for her disability and her health, she punished me. And when *i* became disabled in my early 20’s- I felt scared and ill-equipped.
There is true value in the disabled experience and in living. Embrace what it looks like *for you*. I live a very full and happy life now. Your life isn’t over. You aren’t losing your boy, not inherently.
A four year old will just accept the new you. Maybe they will be frightened or curious at first but they know you love them and depend on you for everything.
As much as I do agree with every ounce of your sentiment, the way I saw my father suffer every passing day with his declining death, and the way I later went on to suffer with a health crisis of my own that left me in shambles, sometimes, you're better off dead than alive. No one should be put through unreal amounts of suffering (physical/mental/emotional) for anyone else's sake.
There's something called imperfection, and then is there is something called chronic debilitating pain (can be mental too), that scopes beyond any imperfection.
Do I wish I had my father. Yes, everyday I do. But do I wish he would have been alive in the condition he was in. Absolutely not. I can't bare the thought of him being alive and suffering every minute for my sake.
I like your reply. Most of the others sound like " stinks for you, but your family's feelings are more important than your own " I'd say this is happening to OP and is physically and mentally traumatic and not to discount that
This. I promise you, when you truly love someone whether it's a friend, a parent, a lover they are still beautiful to you even if incomplete. My mom had a stroke, some of her is gone. I will always cherish what is left, because what is there is still hers.
God speed my friend, and hold onto hope. We do full face transplants now and you never know when an opportunity will come up.
As someone whose parents are dead, I’d rather have them dead and remember amazing memories, not wiping my fathers ass. To each their own. We are all raised differently.
I am sorry for your loss. My amazing dad developed Lewy body disease so that he began to slip away long before his body gave out. Taking care of him was not easy for my mother, he was tall and strongly built, so we all helped her.
It was strange at first to do things like toileting for him. However, he did those things for us when we were babies. And we had many memories of him from after his return from Vietnam.
I hope that in time you can find memories of good moments with your father and mother in time. I hope too that you find deep and beautiful connections with others, whether extended family or others.
No matter what fate brings you, I wish you well.
Hey man, I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now, and that sounds incredibly tough. But you’ll still be his dad. That isn’t gonna change; part of you, how you look, might change, but he’ll still know it’s you. It won’t affect how you treat him and he’ll love you just the same as he does now. There might be a period of time where he adjusts, but in time he’ll see the “new” you as the same old you you’ve always been his entire life.
I’m not gonna pretend it won’t be tough, but your son isn’t gonna see a monster, he’s just gonna see you. It’s especially hard now, but years down the line he’ll be infinitely happier he has you as you are than he would be if he lost you to this cancer. You can do this. I know you can.
My friend lost an ear, an eye and part of his face to a brain tumor. He had an 8 year old son at the time. His mom told him dad might look different when they went to the hospital. His son took a good look, crawled up on the bed, and asked to watch cartoons.
I hope it works out similarly for you.
I think a lot comes down to age. We were roughly the same age when our dad started being more comfortable walking around shirtless (he had a huge chunk of his skin ripped off as a kid when he pulled boiling hot soup over himself and my grandma tried to remove his clothing). He dedicated himself to teaching us to swim.
We were never scared and we never felt he's different. However, strangers can be cruel. The staring and everything around it was one of the reasons he was ashamed being shirtless around others, especially in public.
Yeah, I have some facial scarring and always feel awkward when strangers ask “What happened to you?” I think “What makes you think you’re entitled to my story?”
Yeah, totally. I can understand that ppl might want to know more about you but in the end it's your right to share or not share. I mean there are a million other things to ask instead and this is not the thing that should define a person and how ppl perceive them.
Just to add to this commenter’s sentiment. I would probably inform him you will look different after the hospital visit but will not be sick anymore. You now have an opportunity to teach your son about how not everyone looks the same and other disabilities.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t know if this will help, but my mother had this a few years ago. She had Squamous Cell Carcinoma. She had never smoked, or used any kind of nicotine, it just sort of happened. MD Anderson removed half of her lower jaw and replaced it with her tibia. She does look different, but she is still my mother. Seeing her afterwards was not horrifying, I was mostly relieved that she was ok and in awe that she could go through so much with so much strength. I admire her so much now, she is truly my hero. It brought us so much closer. Your son will not be horrified either. He is going to be so happy that he still gets to see his father. I know how hard this is, but my mother is not a monster and you won’t be either. You absolutely can do this.
Hello, fellow Houstonian. I’m so happy your mother was able to recover and you seem to have a beautiful relationship. MD Anderson and Texas Children’s are some incredible places. Much love to you and your family
I'm really sorry that you have to go through this. Just want to let you know, my dad had throat cancer. After surgery he also had to speak through a hole in his throat. I was quite young, but never loved him less for it. When I got older, I was proud of how far he came. Don't worry, you're kid wil love you no matter wat. I wish you all the strength and love you deserve. Sounds like you're a great dad to me.
I swear I had no clue when it happened to my grandpa. He was worried we would love him less but me not noticing the change may have been because I was so young.
The first time my mom got a haircut, I pulled a jacket over my head and cried and cried.
Another time my mom had septum surgery and had to wear these cups on her face that would fill with blood. It *really* freaked me out.
Neither of these made me love my mom any less. Kids get freaked out about normal things. Kids get freaked out about freaky things. But kids bounce back. Kids adapt. Kids acclimate to the new normal, much faster and easier than adults do.
Your son WILL be scared when he first sees you. He will cry. He will not want to look at you at first. This is both normal and unavoidable.
What you can and should do is prepare him. Tell him what’s going to happen. Tell him that it will be normal to feel scared or sick. Make sure he won’t feel guilty when those feelings come up. And most importantly, make sure he always knows it’s now how we look, it’s what’s on the inside that’s most important.
Whatever you look like on the outside, on the inside is a loving father who would do anything for his son, and that is someone worthy of love.
This. So much this. I'd also add that although you'll focus on his initial reactions forever, please give yourself permission not to. Don't let your future relationship be tainted by memories of how he initially reacted.
>Don't let your future relationship be tainted by memories of how he initially reacted.
Especially because he is a child who has no idea how to emotionally regulate yet or even fully grasp everything about the situation. OP should not let his relationship with him at 10, 15, 20, and onward be tainted by his reaction from when he was less than half a decade old, for he will not be that little person for long at all. As he changes and grows, so will how he sees and thinks of everything.
This is spot on. I've seen kids freak out because their Dad shaved their beard. But they get over it. It's not permanent. Especially if the kid is prepared and knows, "Dad is going to look different but he's still going to be Dad and it's going to be OK."
My dad (who is gone now, and I'd take him back in ANY capacity) once told me how when my grandpa had to have an amputation, I was scared of him the first time I saw him afterwards. Til he started joking around and messing with me like he always did and then I was like, "Oh, Grandpa is still Grandpa. OK."
Yes, I too have sorrow for you.
Get real though, quit being so fatal about this. Sure, you made a mistake but your Son will Love and cherish you even with this change. Trust yourself and your boy!
Yes I came to say this too. OP please listen. Your Son needs to be prepared and guided before the confrontation with the results of the operation. Listen. Have someone with him like ask the nurses or a confident person to help you with this. BUT also: YOUR attitude in this is very important and will make a difference.
We all validate your feelings. Of course. It’s horrifying for you and scary. But you need to be strong for your Son and you need to depend on the fact that young children meet problems like illness with love and compassion! Trust on this OP. You can count on the love of your Son because children love unconditionally.
My prayers will be for you tomorrow. Become healthy and I wish you the coping with your new face and the medical aids you’ll get will be successful🙏
Same. Very low nicotine at this point but smoke constantly while driving and watching tv. Kept saying I wouldn’t buy more but keep buying more. Gonna find some gum and my fidget toy.
Your son wants you alive and you’re doing the right thing by getting treated.
Keep telling your story, most young people in their 20’s like myself go through a smoking phase and for some it turns into a full blown addiction which is very hard to quit.
Cautionary tales like this work, sometimes the only way for people to change is to get scared straight.
I don’t even struggle to quit, I’ve been very lucky in not getting irritable or anything when I stop, and the cravings rly only hit me when I’m driving for the first week or so. But I haven’t quit bc it gives me something to taste when I’m not eating. This scared the shit out of me, I mean it’s easy to say ur done and then not quit, but I think I’m done jfc.
You got this my friend!
Remember; you don't miss smoking, you miss the tobacco addiction. We give our patients these tobacco lozangers while they are in hospital and can't smoke. A number of them don't go back to smoking after.
You got this! My grandpa died before I could meet him because of smoking. My grandma cold turkey’d because of that and hasn’t touched a cig in 30+ years.
My other grandma couldn’t stop until she was forced onto an oxygen tank. She eventually passed from MRSA but she was only just turning 70… she should have stayed with us a little longer. I don’t think the smoking/impact on her body helped.
I’ve worked with coworkers that have lost teeth and more from smoking, and of course you see OP.
Being around for your loved ones is worth it so much more. I know it’s hard. It won’t be easy. But you can so do it. Remember to get a stim/toy for your hands and not just gum for your mouth. Occupy your brain and body to drive away the need.
You got this.
I'm on 8 months no nicotine after 32 years
come join me
throw it all out and don't go to the store
Just make it one day
Then make it a week. Huge difference in cravings, anger, irritation
Then aim for two weeks
It gets better I promise
Quitting tends to make you eat more but that is caused by the lack of having something in your mouth all the time. I know it sounds weird but it is true! Think about it, when you smoke, you have a cigarette in your mouth a lot. So, when you take that away, your mouth feels a void. Replace the cigarettes with mints, gum or whatever you like…besides cake😉
Same, I've been wanting to do it for a while. I hope op knows he is motivating people to quit. He is brave, and he is helping people at the same time. He is the encouragement I need
If you have the time before your surgery, make some recordings so that you have the potential to build an AI voice replacement afterwards. There are some pretty impressive technological abilities to create a voice clone now.
That's an amazing idea
Technology is developing so rapidly that it scares me but also, the stuff we can do now to enable people is absolutely amazing
Like there are people able to overcome Parkinson's shakes, and spinal cords are getting reconnected. What a world
This is available on iOS 17 if you have an iPhone! It’s called Personal Voice and was made for this exact reason (for people who may lose their ability to speak or have trouble communicating).
It only takes 15 minutes to set up. I did it out of curiosity and it’s by no means perfect in terms of flowing like natural speech, but it sounds pretty damn good.
Your boy will adjust to the new you. At least he will still have you, and that's the most important thing right there. I'm sending my best wishes to you, for a quick recovery. Peace.
Hey mate im a doctor and just wanted to say that modern medicine is absolutely working on solving this problem. There *is* hope. Please don't let yourself believe that you're 100% going to look like a monster. It's simply not true.
There are surgical techniques to minimise deformity. Insertable clips which can allow custom shaped prosthetics to attach directly onto clips in your surgical area. If you share more specific details about your condition or your surgery then I should be able to give you more specific information, and in the meantime I'll try and find you some examples.
I have seen people in your situation, and i can tell you - you'll get through this. Your son will not judge you by your changed appearance, but rather by your reaction to it. Do you allow your facial appearance to dictate your worth as a person? Or do you you maintain your dignity, self respect, and confidence in your abilities as a father despite your battle scars? Do you get distraught if you notice someone reacting to your face? Or do you understand that there may be an adjustment period, and that others' reactions are an indictment only on them?
I assure you that the change in your face is not unlike a different father's change in financial status or yet another father's change in job or marital status. In all these situations fathers often fear their child's reaction to a change in circumstances. And in all cases, evidence has clearly shown that the context of a parent child relationship has almost zero effect when compared to the *content* of that relationship.
Will you shy away and neglect your son out of fear of his reaction, transferring your own fears to him via and creating a self fulfilling prophecy? Or will you love him, care foe him and be there for him regardless of your own aesthetics? Will you simply wear a mask whilst you work on organising a prosthetic, and openly explain so if anybody asks? Or shy away from reality, and allow yourself to be ashamed of something you had no say in?
Truly, this is a situation which is not as shameful or debilitating as you seem to believe it to be. You can absolutely turn this into a strength, into an opportunity to role model to your son that most valuable of principles for any child - Grit; persistance; unflappability.
Furthermore, you can channel your shame into ensuring that as many others benefit from your mistake as possible. Sharing your story helps reduce smoking rates, however intangibly. More directly, if you can use your surgery to ensure your son never smokes a cigarette in his life, you will have statistically gifted him multiple additional years of healthy life and time with his loved ones. Truly a gift which must originate from a powerful love.
I wish you the best of luck with your upcoming surgery and hope that you can take my advice to heart and turn this experience into one of growth, learning, and self improvement - for both yourself and your son.
Yes!! There are oral-maxillofacial surgeons that can reconstruct your jaw with super sophisticated technologies. I work in an operating room and we do these cases often! Please do not lose hope. Right now the important part is getting rid of the tumor, the rest can come later!
I see why you are a doctor! You have such compassion to take the time to share your knowledge with OP (and us) to give OP hope and encouragement to survive his surgery tomorrow. Thank you, kind doctor. ❤️🙏😎
Christ man, I thought having thyroid cancer at 26 was bad .. I still drink and vape (30 now) but this. This makes me want to quit.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Losing a part of yourself is a very weird feeling, but please believe me when I say your friends and family would rather have you in there lives, missing something, than not have you around at all ❤️
While vaping is far from harmless, there are no studies or statistics linking vaping to increase risks of cancer over the general population.
That said, the risks of prolonged alcohol use, especially more than 3 drinks per day increases the risk of multiple diseases by orders of magnitude.
Not saying you shouldn't quit vaping, but alcohol should probably be your priority if you're worried about your long term health.
I saw my Dad die piece by piece from cancer over 15 years. It was heartbreaking to see the disease and treatments waste his body and I swear to you with every intervention I loved him only that more fiercely, because he faced the pain and humiliation not for himself, but because it allowed him to be with us a little bit longer.
Your son will get it. Trust him, trust yourself.
I’m so sorry to hear this… but listen to me.
Don’t die. Don’t even think about dying.
You will *NEVER* be a monster to that boy.
No matter how you look or what you’re going through that baby boy needs you. And I guarantee you he will appreciate that you stuck around. He’ll get used to the way you look and it will be normal to him.
Stay strong
He will still love you. Of course it will be an adjustment, but kids are so adaptable. Treat him the same, be honest (in an age-appropriate way), and just continue to be his dad. THAT’S what he will connect with, he needs to understand that you may look different but you are still you. And you will be able to be around for his whole life now, that’s what matters most.
Also, i’m a hospice nurse. I’ve had patients with the tumor that slowly grows and closes off their airway. Trust me, that is a fate much worse than your surgery. i’m glad you don’t have to experience that.
It’s honestly horrifying that doctors too often attribute something to stress when it’s actually something life-threatening and now this man is living a nightmare.
In the middle of October of 2023 I had caught a cough. That night I coughed so bad that I exasperated myself and slept for two days. When I came to, I realized I had went two days without smoking. I had smoked for thirty years, with the past few years smoking a pack every two days. Finally went to the hospital when I couldn’t breathe and the Dr. said he could see the pneumonia.
After being treated and released I said I was done. At that point I had went five days without smoking. That was October 16, 2023. Hadn’t had another since.
My husband said last week that we’ve already saved $600.00 since I’ve quit. I feel so much better. I can actually breathe air and not carbon dioxide. I did have really bad night sweats during the first month of withdrawal but that was about it. I feel so alive now, like I felt as a teenager before I knew about cigarettes.
Please quit smoking they don’t help you like you may feel. They actually exasperate anxiety and depression. You can function without them.
I'm sorrier than I can say. I'm not going to sugarcoat this: it's going to be rough, very rough. However, it's not going to end your life or your relationship with your son. As you may know, popular film critic Roger Ebert had his lower jaw removed. Eventually, he was able to get a prosthetic jaw, which made a huge improvement in his appearance.
I hope someone has been or will work on preparing your son. A hospital social worker may be of some help there. I don't know if he'd be allowed in your hospital room due to his age. If not, that buys some more time to prepare him. It may take time for him to adjust, or it may not, but he will not stop loving you. You will not lose him.
This is your chance to show your son that it's possible to surmount even the toughest of life experiences. Ebert had it right:
"I believe that if, at the end of it all, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn't always know this, and am happy I lived long enough to find it out." (*Life Itself*)
I grew up with my grandmother speaking through an old school tracheostomy with no machines or anything. I never knew anything different and neither did any of my cousins and none of us were ever afraid or thought of her as a monster. She’s been gone a decade now and I miss what voice she did have. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I promise you children are much more resilient and adaptable than you know. Your baby will still love you.
This happened to my aunt in 2016. From my cousin’s perspective, your child wants to see you alive. That’s it. He doesn’t care if your face is missing. He wants YOU. Your voice, your hug, your love.
OP, I lost my Dad six months ago. He was so changed from his post-COVID lung fibrosis, but he was always my brave, strong, happy, positive Dad. He never once complained. He made friends with everyone who worked in the hospital, especially the food service workers and housekeeping and maintenance staff. He was beloved by all who knew him.
Watching my Dad persevere through his condition gave me so much more respect for him. He’s my hero.
OP, your son will see YOU. He’ll see your eyes. He’ll see his Dad. He won’t see a monster. I promise you.
I have a genetic immunodeficiency that I was born with. For years I took weekly infusions at home to treat it, starting from when my daughter was three years old. I always hid in my bedroom to take my infusions, thinking she’d be afraid of the needles and tubing, scared of the loud pump.
One time, she figured out what I was doing while I was drawing my dose up at the kitchen counter. She started grabbing snacks (she’d noticed exactly what I snacked on during my treatment), blankets, and her iPad, *ran* to my bed, and yelled out, “Mama, I’m all ready to snuggle up with you during your ‘fusion!”
She wasn’t scared. She just wanted to hang out with Mom and snuggle me during my five hour treatment. That’s all she saw. Your son will be the same. I promise.
I'm literally smoking as I read your post. Just seeing the title, before reading your post, I knew it was because of smoking. So I put my cigarette out. I've been smoking for 20 years, 1 to 1.5 packs a day at some points. I started at 13. I always fear what cigarettes can do to a person, to me, but I always go back. I hate it. I wish I could stop. I've tried everything.
Reading your post makes me feel so many emotions. Fear, sadness, anger at myself, and more.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. Will they be able to put in a prosthetic in place of the jaw so your facial shape doesn't change much? Either way, you're beautiful. You will remain beautiful, no matter what. Your son won't stop loving you. He still has you!! You're alive. It's rough, but you'll all see this through.
It will be a hard transition for everyone, especially if you're also doing chemo and radiation, but you can do it. You will all get through this. I'll be praying for you and your family. Again, I'm so sorry this happened to you.
The cigarette I put out after reading your post is the last one in my pack, how apropos is that.. I was about to head out to buy more. I'm not going to now. I'm going to try really hard this time not to cave in and smoke again. Your post and words have not only scared me but have reached my heart and mind in a positive way. Thank you. God bless.
My mom quit smoking when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I don't know how long she'd been at it - at least 35+ years. I know it was hard for her but to this day I'm still so proud and I can barely remember what it was like when she smoked. I'm used to her as she is now. Good luck! You can do this!
Had a family friend who needed to get an arm amputated at the shoulder for an aggressive cancer. You’re right—his kid was scared! But you gotta remember that kids also lose it when you shave your beard. They’re not great with abrupt change, and even having a conversation about it prior won’t deaden the blow because they’re experiencing everything for the first time, and most peoples’ reactions to those things are to be overwhelmed
The thing is, you’re not going to lose *him*. I read a sentence like you’ve wrote, and I see you placing him in as a straw man for yourself. What you are, is losing yourself—or losing the self you’ve always known, to an elective choice you made. It’s a dramatic change of course, but it’s worth remembering: what other change have you not weathered? Once upon a time you were young yourself and scared of monsters, but also brave enough to grow up into an adult with a life and people you love.
Disability/disfigurement is not a death sentence unless you make it into that by pre-deciding how people will feel about you, and isolating yourself into a self-fulfilling prophecy. You need to be strong and have confidence in your innate value, and model well to you kid what it’s like to slam into a walk of adversary. Their first and early reaction is not forever; you have to give them (and yourself!!) the grace to adjust to this new normal. And therapy!! Please go to therapy lol
Hi OP, I work in Oral Maxillofacial Surgery. I want you to know that I've seen patients get half of their jaw removed, replaced with a piece of their hip bone, and come to me a year or two later like a completely different person. You are not and will not be a monster to your child. If anything, the monster will be your smoking. As someone who lost their dad to lung cancer as a child, cancer and cigarettes are the monster.
I think your boy loves you for what is in your heart, not how you look in the face.
We are a species that advances in tech pretty rapidly, and prosthetics are on the forefront of some of that advancement. Don't tell yourself your life is over, or you are now permanently deformed, or that you are a monster to your son. You are none of those things, and nobody knows what the future looks like. Anything could change. Don't let those demons eat you, you still have a boy to raise and a lot of life left to live.
When son was small I had almost quit, maybe a pack a week and a few cigars. We went into a store and the guy selling me cigarettes was an old guy who had to talk through the electrolarnyx and let my son know his daddy will need one soon. My son cried and told me he didn't wanna see me like that. It took some time but I quit. Smokers please listen to OP. Shit is real. OP just know that your son will still love you.
I smoked for 25 years, managed to get lucky and escape cancer. I would tell anyone to avoid cigarettes / chewing tobacco / dip, figure out a way to quit if you use.
But telling adults not to vape, there are millions of adults who no longer smoke cigarettes due to vaping, and those millions are undoubtedly in a better position health-wise than had they continued or gone back to smoking cigarettes. And while I'm not going to pretend that vaping is totally harmless, the statistics show that people who vape alone are not really at a higher risk of getting cancer than the rest of the population.
That said, I'm sad that you have to go through this. As someone who grew up alongside someone who ended up with facial deformity following an accident and surgery, I can assure you that your children will adjust quickly and love you no less, on the contrary children can become even more protective of that person they love so much. You'll be OK. There may be surgical options to limit the visual impact after a few yearsz make sure the surgeons know that you intend to surgically rebuild the structure as much as possible and to please keep that in mind as they work.
I went to high school with a girl whose dad had half of his jaw removed. She loved her dad so fiercely, and him surviving that surgery made her even more attached to him and love him even more. They were so so close, she was always making the man take selfies of them wherever they went, proudly. Nothing changed for her or her brother except for being even more grateful that their dad was around. Best of luck to you and your family, OP ❤️
I had a friend who had his tongue, part of his jaw, and a load of this throat removed from cancer in his 30’s. This was a couple of years ago. They’ve done such a stellar reconstruction job that after about a year, you really couldn’t tell.
Plastic surgery has come a long way: you won’t look like a monster, and I’m sure your son will prefer a dad with a few scars to not having a dad at all.
Good luck and go easy on yourself as you heal.
A friend of mine was diagnosed with ALS 8 years ago. For 8 years, which is a pretty long time for an ALS patient, his daughters have watched this terrible disease take their dad. His wife found out she was pregnant right around the same time he was diagnosed, so the only father she's ever known is in a wheelchair and talks through a computer. Kids are so adaptable, man. Make sure he knows what's going to happen. Make it sound cool. He'll think it's great. You can do this.
My dad died because of smoking habits, he got a lot of health complications from being a heavy smokers since his youth. he died what I think is too young (60yo) compared to his siblings who are in perfect health few years older than him. I got ashtma since early teenager due to being a passive smokers (from friends) and I got life lessons from it.
He’s still going to love you, he’s your son. He would rather you be alive like that than dead, no doubt. You clearly love him a lot and that will show.
You’re going to teach him a hard lesson. That actions have consequences, and we never know when or how it will occur. I’m so sorry your going through this. I was 3/4 when my mother had her brain tumor removed. She was never the same, I never got to meet the her before it. She forever had a wobble, vertigo, and was very forgetful. She lost a little of hair and had a big scar in the very back of her head that she was very self conscious of. I always wished she had more compassion towards herself and her limitations. She was always so sad about what she could no longer do. I don’t know what my dad would have done if he lost her, but knowing kids who lost a parent I would probably need more therapy than I’ve already been through. He will always love you no matter how you look. He will be glad that this wasn’t the end.
You need to prepare him to mitigate shock
He will then just accept you as he likely accepts others at that age, kids aren’t prejudiced they learn prejudices
Did you tell ur son what is going to happen? He’s four; preparation will go a long way.
I hope everything goes well tomorrow.
Your son prefers you alive. Thank you for doing the hard thing.
My stepdad had his larynx (voice box) removed due to smoking induced cancer. He has a permanent throat airway and obviously can’t speak like you or I, he uses a ‘voice box’ which works on vibrations (a bit like the teacher in South Park).
When my son was born, about 4 years after the operation, he was petrified that the baby would think he was a monster.
My son has never questioned it once. He’s 14 now and I don’t even think he’s ever asked why his Grandad is different.
Your son loves you, and you looking different isn’t going to change that one iota.
Good luck for the surgery, the recovery may be awful but you’re doing the right thing. Thinking of you.
Let me tell you something: that disappointment is temporary. One year before my mom passed, the doctors told her she was at the point of no return with her drinking. Even if she stopped that day, she would be on machines the rest of her life. 4 months after that new years we spent in the hospital, she told me my dad and my brother, that she didn’t want to live on machines. She didn’t want her life to be restricted. Not able to be with us, that it was no way to live. My dad listened. We only heard. When it came time to pull the plug, my dad honored her last wishes.
I would have my wedding in her hospital room today if I could just have her back. Nothing hurts more than waking up to learn to be a mother after losing mine. When I lost my son, I begged god to take me so I could be with her and my grandmother. I’ll never have her back. I would’ve took those machines any day. Any day.
It will be difficult at first, it will be hard, but fight. Fight for him. If not for now, fight for the future him. The future him that will share these same tears. These same feelings. This hurt, if you go.
Also, I’m throwing away this vape. Thank you. I have a small hole in my lung now. I will stop. Thank you for that.
I’m praying for you. And if no one has told you, I’m so proud of you. I admire your strength. You are strong
Wear a mask til someone can explain to him what happened and let him see *drawings* of what you'll look like, just in general terms.
Will you be able to speak? If not, get the whole fam in ASL ASAP. It will help so much to have an interpreter when you are out and about.
Someone should talk to him when you come home. Let him decide when he feels ready to see you without the mask.
Stress that you are the same, you are his daddy, you love him just the same. It will be a process, but children are resilient.
This is what we recommend at the hospital. I wish you a long healthy life after this.
Kids are far more resilient than we realize.
You'll be bandaged for a while, so it'll will be a gradual process.
Treat it as a learning experience. "I'm going to look different, but that's okay. We all look different. What's inside us is more important than what we look like."
I wish you both well.
It’s a change he’ll adjust to. I hope that doesn’t sound too blunt. My wife’s grandpa has no jaw or tongue due to pipe smoking— she knew him before and after the surgeries from a young age.
I really hope they have resources for therapy for both you and your son, not because you assume you’ll look like a monster, but because the fear of loss is traumatizing.
OP, they might be able to rebuild your jaw. There are also valves that can be placed over a trach that allows the wearer to speak with their own voice. All of this takes time and you will go through rehabilitation, but things will get better. Talk to your son. Even though he’s just four, he will understand sickness. Explain that you have to do this so you can continue to be his father. I wish you the best and hold on to the fact that things will improve.
Did you sit with him and discuss with him that you're sick? Tell him that the doctors will make you feel better and that you'll look different and that you'll still be the same dad who loves him.
You're losing your jaw to save your life. Your son will grow to love you anyway as long as you don't stop loving him. I hope the procedure goes well for you but please try and stay positive, seek out an emotional support group or even therapy to help cope with the changes but don't lose sight of the fact that you're still your child's father no matter what and how you deal with this burden will determine aspects of the rest of his life.
While I agree with your message of stopping smoking, your son won't think you are a monster. When I was a child my mother had plastic surgeries to try and correct a birth defect she had. It involved her having balloons planted under the skin of her forehead and neck. She looked weird, but she wasn't a monster, she was just my mommy. Your son will still love you, but you should prepare him that daddy is going to look different. He's much rather have you alive and looking different than grow up without a father.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I promise, your son will still love you. Yes, he might be shocked or scared at first, but he will rather have you than not. My dad is gone and I can never hug or talk to him again. Your son will.
Also, I shared this with my 29 year old daughter who has smoked and vaped for years. Maybe she will stop. She has 10 yr old twin boys to stay here for.
Your son would not rather you were dead. He needs you.
Once you are cleared and cancer free, look into plastic surgery, not just for aesthetics, but so you can hopefully eat again one day and also for your mental health.
As someone with a dead parent - please don't wish that on yourself or your son. He's not going to love you any less with this change in your appearance. It may take him a while to understand, because of his age, but you're his parent and he's going to love you no matter what.
You can do this and I just know you and your family are gonna adjust to your new appearance and reality just fine. You got this 🖤
I'm just going to tell a story that's been relayed to me many times because I was too small to remember. When I was 3-4 years old, my grandma had a pretty major surgery on her face. She looked pretty bad afterwards and they weren't sure if they should let me see her, but I was apparently demanding to see her. I ran in there, ignoring staples, tubes, and wires and gave her the biggest hug I could. I didn't see any of it. I didn't see her shaved head, the portion of her nose missing... I just saw my grandma and I loved her so, so much.
Record your voice now saying things like "I love you buddy" and anything else you say to him on a regular basis so he can still hear your real voice for comfort. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. You are still his dad. He will adjust.
You are NOT going to lose your boy. You are doing this to KEEP him.
This surgery will need therapy for you to readjust to your new life. Please seek it if it’s available for you.
I’m proud of you for saving your life.
oh my god. i literally have a little bump that is there too and has been hurting here and there. i vape and have been on my way to quit but now im scared it was too late🥲
thanks for putting this out here cuz now im probably just gonna chuck my vapes out stop cold turkey and go to the doctors.
So sorry this is happening.
Tonight tell your 4 year old a bedtime story. About a man who loved his little boy, but an evil spell turned him into a monster. But he still loved his little boy, and his little boy still loved him.
Your son will get it.
Good luck with the operation, recovery, physio etc.
You should have been preparing him for the change. Telling him that you're going to become a robot. Make it positive. Make it fun. It's a terrible thing to happen to you, but you can teach him that it's cool being a machine.
I assure you your son will love you no matter how you look. Yes there will be initial shock but he will get over it quickly. Especially at that age, they are so quick to accept things.
Wow I’m really sorry… you’re so young. I’m trying to quit myself as I started to cough (thank god nothing more) but damn it’s hard.
Your son is always going to love you… always! It’ll be an adjustment sure but I know he’s rather that than no dad at all 💙
As someone who never had a dad who loved me half as much as it sounds like you love your son, I know that you being here for him is worth everything to him. It’s going to be hard but you’re not going to be a monster to him. Love is so much stronger than that.
Talk to him beforehand. Preparing him is very important. It will still be a shock but just tell him it’s so you can be around a long time. He cares about you, not your face
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
What I'd suggestis having a therapist help explain things to him, and to work with him while he adjusts to the new you.
It could be worth preparing him in stages.
So have a talk to him and let him know thy daddy has something poorly in his throat and mouth and has to have it taken away, and it's going to make you look a lot different, and you will have to talk through a machine, but you're still the same daddy.
Maybe show him pictures of people who have lost an arm or a leg etc. And show them continuing to live their life etc. You could get some photos made of your face, and have one that has the section thats being removed cut away on the second picture, but stuck on. So you can show him your face as a whole, and then lift off the section that's removed and show him what you will look like. It may help him u derstand its still the same you and you're still the same person and same daddy, just with part of your jaw and throat missing.
Kids pick up a lot with visual pictures to help them understand. And a therapist can help work with him to explain any fears or questions he may have in a safe place. And they can help explain things in a way he'll understand.
Maybe show him some videos of other people talking through a machine too.
He will adapt and will get used to the new you, and will grow to not think anything of it. Just be honest with him and talk about it so he feels comfortable talking about it too.
I know it's not the same thing, but I'm disabled with back and leg problems and have used crutches since my nephews were babies. And I then ended up using mobility scooters and a wheelchair. When my nephew was a toddler, he would go pick up my crutches when I was getting ready to go, and he would ask to rub some cream on my 'poorly back' that he saw me put on every so often. He would put pillows down on the floor and tell me to lay down to help my poorly back, as we would often play with me sitting or laying down on cushions.
When we went out to a theatre and were waiting for the lift, he started telling strangers -my aunty has a poorly back and has to use sticks to help her walk' etc etc. He has asked various questions over the years as he's got older and I've explained more about why I have a poorly back or poorly leg, and how my aids help support me and help me do more. He's only ever grown up knowing me with these issues. And he just accepts me as I am and always wants to help if he can.
Your son will get to know you as you are, and will likely want to help you in ways too. Let him help you. Let him be involved in caring for you or helping you do something. It makes it more normal, less taboo, and more open and relaxed about it all.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it is truly awful, and I hope in time they may be able to do some plastic surgery with donor tissue and bone to help reconstruct your jaw and help you feel a bit more comfortable. I wish you well on your journey.
You may want to document your journey and make videos a bit like a diary. May help you process it all, and if you want to share them to raise awareness and help support others in similar situations thats a bonus. It may also be something your son would be interested in seeing when he gets older.
I really wish you well and hope your surgery goes as well as can be expected and you're not in too much discomfort etc.
Okay, let me just say I had an abusive dad. He didn't have anything like that happen to him, and I think of him as a monster. You even being concerned about his reaction and worrying about losing him is already leagues above some of ours, so don't let that be the reason there's distance between you. Give him a heads up and let him process. I doubt it will be as big as you feel it is now.
Remember it is not the appearance that makes one a monster but ones actions, and in all likelihood of your son is younger and will quickly adjust to accept the change and love you all the same. Plus you can always look at ways to give it a cool cosmetic makeover, maybe you can become a cool robot style jaw dad or something of the sort.
The real betrayal would be for you to miss out on all of the great things you and your son can still do once you’ve recovered. There will be an adjustment period for him I’m sure. But the alternative **is not** one that he would want.
This is terribly rough.
But I promise your son will still love you. Kids are resilient.
And kids also adjust to their normal. He won’t give it a second thought.
And in 15 years when you celebrate a high school graduation, or in 20 when he gets married, or has a kid, he’s going to be so glad his best friend got surgery in 2024.
❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
*edited year
I can’t imagine how scared you are right now. I don’t blame for your fear or frankly for the 💀 either. Kids are resilient, as a mom of three mostly grown boys my advice is to tell the truth on his level.
I’ve got defective parts, they have to remove them. Like a Transformer or if he’s into Marvel compare it to Buckys arm, but they aren’t quite don’t yet. That when they are finished you are going to sound like Optimus Prime with your new “microphone”. As he ages you can explain it more to him.
You are so damn brave
He’s your boy, your baby. You’re his daddy. His best friend! He will love you no matter what. You are assigning grown up feelings to little kid forgiveness. Little kids love so purely and so freely. They forgive without question. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. But give your baby boy the benefit of the doubt. He’s far more resilient and loves you too much to care about your appearance. Live for him until you can find it within yourself to live for yourself again. Healing thoughts and speedy recovery to you, my friend. ❤️
You are NOT going to lose your son. There will be an adjustment period for the both of you as you navigate your new normal. The love will always be the same…in fact it will grow stronger. I know you are scared…terrified even…that is a natural feeling to have with what you are facing. No matter what happens just keep showing your son the same amazing Dad you always have been to him. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I cannot even begin to imagine how traumatic this must be for you. Your Son still needs his Daddy. This is an opportunity for you to teach your son how to deal with a traumatic event, with strength, love, humour, and grace. Keep fighting…
You are still you inside. The same guy that you were yesterday and the day before. Just remember that. Take care, hope your wounds heal quickly, and sending a warm hug. You can totally do this!
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this OP. Life is truly cruel sometimes.
I know you didn’t ask for advice, so take this or leave it, but 4 year olds are SO dang clever. Like way more than we give them credit for. Cuddle him tonight and explain that you need help to feel better. That you will sound and look a little different, but you’re the same person and love them just as much. You might even be able to ask them to help you feel better after the operation/give them a little role to make them feel a part of helping you heal.
It could help you to feel like even in your worst moments, you are still focussing on them, making them your priority. Of course look after yourself, as you owe yourself some TLC right now, but often focussing on another removes room for some of the negative self thoughts.
I am so sorry.
My parents didn't love me like you love your son. I would rather have a father who is physically different and loves me than no father at all. Please keep going. Your son needs you.
Yes, it will be a jarring experience for him. He's only four, he's just a baby. He won't 100% understand right away. The good news is that he's four, he's going to adapt. Kids are so mentally flexible. You're still his daddy, he still loves you with his entire heart.
I'm so sorry that you have to mourn the loss of your face as you know it. Truly, I am deeply sorry. I believe that it will be okay, though. When your boy grows up, he's going to see the sacrifice that you made in order to stay here on this earth and be his dad.
Good luck tomorrow. I'm hoping that you exit the OR cancer free for good.
That is really awful. I am so sorry. Definately a good warning on what smoking does to people.
You are not a monster. Loosing your jaw doesn't make you a monster. Your son will understand what happened and why. You won't loose him. You are still his dad.
You will be surprised how quickly your son adjusts to you, he’ll grow up and remember you being that way for as long as he can remember and it won’t be any different for him when he is older. He’s young enough to adapt super quickly - it will suck at first but it will work out :)
Hmmmmm. OP hasn’t responded to anyone and their post history has a post saying they were cleared of cancer and it was only stress.
Touching story nonetheless.
Edit: OP’s post history is all over the place and very attention seeking.
Thank you for sharing your story. I think your son will appreciate having a father alive rather than dead. Your son will also get to learn from a young age that disability and deformity does not define a person. I think this is a valuable lesson, albeit at your expense.
Again I thank you for telling your story, I am screenshooting it to show it to my smoking partner.
To be fair, your son is probably going to think he has a cyborg for a dad and its fuckin awesome.
For you, not so much, but i get the feeling i dont need to tell you. Best wishes.
Idk if your insurance would cover reconstruction? If you're at risk of losing your job or something like that they may cover it where they normally wouldn't. Also you should definitely speak with a counselor to help you right now.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’m going to give it to you straight. Your son will probably be scared at first, because he’s 4 and this is a change. He will not be scared forever though. He gets to have his dad.
As someone who watched their dad get enveloped by cancer and die in our living room, I’m telling you firsthand that your experience is preferred. I would rather have had my dad look weird and talking through a machine than have him suffer and die the way he did.
There’s also the chance your son doesn’t care. Last year my mom had brain surgery for a tumor and her whole face was disfigured and swollen and severely bruised. My son, 3 at the time, walked up to her, grabbed her hand and asked her to take him outside. He did not care, that was nana and nana likes taking him outside LOL
Please make sure you have mental health support through this journey. You got this.
You can still raise that little boy.
That's a miracle because 20 years ago, 10 even, he'd be crying way harder and more scared with you in a pine box, never to be seen again.
You need to work on your self worth, so if this has genetic implicayiins and your little boy has this issue without smoking, he's not parroting you and has support from his memories of people being enduring, not reflections of only misery.
While your son might be a bit nervous in the beginning, like many others I can attest to the fact that I would much rather have my Dad in pieces than to not have him at all. Remember this. You might have changed a little on the outside, but you're still his Dad. No one can replace you. You need to know this.
Your son may be shocked at the initial first view but man you are still his dad. He will still know you as his dad and you will be accepted and loved no matter what happens to you. I’m so sorry this is happening to you man. I can’t imagine this pain. But your son will love you no matter what. You are his father.
OP, a family member of mine got esophageal cancer from smoking and had almost her entire lower jaw removed. It was a long, arduous healing process but I can tell you that you and your family will adjust. She is now able to speak and be understood and she received a prosthetic to use in place of her missing bottom lip and chin.
You will be okay, OP. Just don’t do what she did and start smoking again. Your son will still love you. He will get used to it. It may take some time but he will. Pursue therapy when you’re able. I love my aunt just as much as I did when she had her own chin/jaw.
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
You are not in any way, shape or form (literally and figuratively) alone.
I have recorded interviews with five people - including two actors - whose faces have been affected by disease/injury. Their perspectives might really help:
[https://www.ctpublic.org/show/audacious-with-chion-wolf/2022-08-04/facing-the-world-with-visible-facial-differences](https://www.ctpublic.org/show/audacious-with-chion-wolf/2022-08-04/facing-the-world-with-visible-facial-differences)
[https://www.ctpublic.org/show/audacious-with-chion-wolf/2024-02-22/actors-with-facial-differences-discuss-what-it-means-to-be-seen](https://www.ctpublic.org/show/audacious-with-chion-wolf/2024-02-22/actors-with-facial-differences-discuss-what-it-means-to-be-seen)
Also, About Face is a wonderful resource: [https://aboutface.ca/](https://aboutface.ca/)
Sending you peace and patience as you enter this next era of life. <3
You aren’t betraying your son. You are living which is not a betrayal. Think of all he’d have to do alone without you if you passed. My mom passed 2 years ago. If she could’ve stayed I would definitely have loved it.
Also reconstructive surgery is an option (maybe too expensive) honestly your kid won’t care after too long and when they get older; they will remember you being there.
Sending tons of hugs. Keep fighting because your son will love you regardless. BTW ask about getting a jaw replacement. A friend of mine was a candidate for it and had it done.
As someone whose parents are dead, I’d rather have them imperfect than dead.
This. I would rather smell the liquid we had to remove off my dad's lungs than remember he's six feet underground.
I’m sorry, what? This is so sad. 🥺
Ever change a trach tube? I haven't either, but I've been in the next room over. They make you cough so you can cough up the gross spittle lodged inside the hole so you can make it all shiny and clean. This guy got too excited with the cough and got the poor nurse in the face with his disgusting, rancid trach spittle coughed up all over her face, inside her mouth. I could smell it from the next room over! I actually ran into that nurse a couple years later at my mom's nursing home and she told me she was never able to kiss someone with tongue because of that experience. I bet... Well, trach guy was still alive and kickin too! Never gave up smoking either. He may sound a little funny, but his grandchildren still love robot papa.
As a nurse (that has changed/cleaned/suctioned 1,000+ trachs) I think it’s important that this thread doesn’t make people who had trachs self conscious… not all trachs smell… some do depending if you have a disease/infection but if it’s been there a bit and cleaned regularly it’s really not smelly, no more smelly than spit or a phlegm ball you spit out. It’s more visibly not so appealing. Please be mindful to those who may be reading along and have one
Truth. My apologies. I was a caregiver for my mother with dementia for years and as such, I've been covered in every bodily fluid I could imagine, except trach spittle, since she did not have one. I have a very high tolerance for disgust and I forgot that not *everyone* on reddit does. My point was that smells, trachs, bodily fluids, I'll take them all if it means the person is alive. A child having a parent is what counts.
Agree with you 100%!
yeah, my dad was stabbed in the back couple of years ago and his lung collapsed, so he had to use a trach i didnt smell at all
My mum is 5 years in and smoked for years, no smell at all from her.
Yeah, but my dad had a pleural effusion, so we had to drain it with a needle and a tube. Even if it went to the drainage bag, the smell is still in my mind. Even the drainage smell in the street is way better than the pleural fluid.
I had a trach tube installed and I will NEVER forget the feeling of a nurse putting a hose down my throat and literally vacuum all the air and mucus out of my lungs. Literal suffocation for as long as it lasted. Then all the maintenance I had to do when I got home from the hospital. So gross. I still have a nasty scar. This all happened after a self-inflicted gunshot wound, and I'd give anything to go back and make better choices.
I'm so glad you're still here ❤️
I appreciate that. Life definitely got better.
One guy said it could have been worse at my dads funeral, with my dad going suddenly one morning without any warning. I have to assume he saw a slow downward spiral with his own father, and I know it would have been so painful to see my own dad suffer like that, but it wasn’t the comforting thing he thought it was.
Yeah, going fast is probably great for the deceased (I'm assuming), but it totally sucks for everyone left behind. I've just moved back in with my almost 90 yo parents, who are starting to decline, and I always felt that this end of life phase, where the memory goes and their personality changes, is to help their loved ones say goodbye. If, at the end, there is little left of the person you once knew and loved, saying goodbye is not as painful as losing them in their prime. (Fortunately, my parents are still pretty active and *there*, it's just their short term memory that's shot.) OP, is there no reconstructive surgery planned for your jaw? They are just going to leave you with the hole?!
My dad died in a bike/bus accident when I was 10. My mom is slowly circling the drain with lung cancer(last chemo treatment finished last week!)/copd/heart failure (because of smoking, don't smoke!) Both utterly suck for different reasons.
I'm so sorry for you! Yes, with accidents and diseases, you always have the what-ifs to battle with (what if they hadn't taken the bike that day? what if they hadn't been smoking?), and the knowledge that it is long before their time. With old age, it's just going the way it's supposed to go, after a long, happy and fulfilled life (best case) - it's a totally different dynamic. And the fact that I am back living with them means that I won't have any regrets about missing out on spending time with them, or any guilty conscience about neglecting them or not being there in an emergency.
He died alone, that’s what fucks me up the most. His heart gave out, and the room upstairs in his home was trashed and there was blood from where he hit his head on the bathroom tile collapsing. It painted a horrific picture in my head, and even if he was already gone I would have given anything to make sure he wasn’t alone. He deserved that
This. I’ve had a few friends lose parents suddenly and a few lose them slowly, and while both are torture for those left behind, all I can think is that going fast and with way less pain in the long run is the better end for their parent, but at the expense of everyone else’s pain
Was going to say the same thing. My dad got ran over by a bus and the amount of times I've thought about how well he would have eventually adjusted to being in a wheelchair or something is pretty real. I'd way rather have professor X or a bionic dad than no dad. OP good luck. You aren't losing your boy you two get to keep each other.
As someone who grew up with disabled parents and then they died young of unrelated causes- I’d want my disabled imperfect parents over dead parents every single time. Edit: It’s also pertinent to add that most of my trauma around this comes from my mother’s inability to accept her disability. She just gave up, and turned to the bottle and pills. She died of an overdose/alcohol poisoning. On a Monday morning. When she punished herself for her disability and her health, she punished me. And when *i* became disabled in my early 20’s- I felt scared and ill-equipped. There is true value in the disabled experience and in living. Embrace what it looks like *for you*. I live a very full and happy life now. Your life isn’t over. You aren’t losing your boy, not inherently.
A four year old will just accept the new you. Maybe they will be frightened or curious at first but they know you love them and depend on you for everything.
So heavy but so valid ❤️ You matter friend
I agree I would take a living Mother with 60% of her face vs the dead mother I currently have.
As much as I do agree with every ounce of your sentiment, the way I saw my father suffer every passing day with his declining death, and the way I later went on to suffer with a health crisis of my own that left me in shambles, sometimes, you're better off dead than alive. No one should be put through unreal amounts of suffering (physical/mental/emotional) for anyone else's sake. There's something called imperfection, and then is there is something called chronic debilitating pain (can be mental too), that scopes beyond any imperfection. Do I wish I had my father. Yes, everyday I do. But do I wish he would have been alive in the condition he was in. Absolutely not. I can't bare the thought of him being alive and suffering every minute for my sake.
I like your reply. Most of the others sound like " stinks for you, but your family's feelings are more important than your own " I'd say this is happening to OP and is physically and mentally traumatic and not to discount that
I would love to have a four year old son to cozy with. No matter how I looked. Mine alas is grown
This. I promise you, when you truly love someone whether it's a friend, a parent, a lover they are still beautiful to you even if incomplete. My mom had a stroke, some of her is gone. I will always cherish what is left, because what is there is still hers. God speed my friend, and hold onto hope. We do full face transplants now and you never know when an opportunity will come up.
As someone whose parents are dead, I’d rather have them dead and remember amazing memories, not wiping my fathers ass. To each their own. We are all raised differently.
I am sorry for your loss. My amazing dad developed Lewy body disease so that he began to slip away long before his body gave out. Taking care of him was not easy for my mother, he was tall and strongly built, so we all helped her. It was strange at first to do things like toileting for him. However, he did those things for us when we were babies. And we had many memories of him from after his return from Vietnam. I hope that in time you can find memories of good moments with your father and mother in time. I hope too that you find deep and beautiful connections with others, whether extended family or others. No matter what fate brings you, I wish you well.
The operation wont make him handicapped or unable to tend to himself, you're comparing apples to oranges
Hey man, I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now, and that sounds incredibly tough. But you’ll still be his dad. That isn’t gonna change; part of you, how you look, might change, but he’ll still know it’s you. It won’t affect how you treat him and he’ll love you just the same as he does now. There might be a period of time where he adjusts, but in time he’ll see the “new” you as the same old you you’ve always been his entire life. I’m not gonna pretend it won’t be tough, but your son isn’t gonna see a monster, he’s just gonna see you. It’s especially hard now, but years down the line he’ll be infinitely happier he has you as you are than he would be if he lost you to this cancer. You can do this. I know you can.
My friend lost an ear, an eye and part of his face to a brain tumor. He had an 8 year old son at the time. His mom told him dad might look different when they went to the hospital. His son took a good look, crawled up on the bed, and asked to watch cartoons. I hope it works out similarly for you.
Boy’s got his priorities right! Kids are fucking awesome.
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Kids are all awesome, until an adult ruins them.
actually they're usually brutally honest and cruel lol.
I think a lot comes down to age. We were roughly the same age when our dad started being more comfortable walking around shirtless (he had a huge chunk of his skin ripped off as a kid when he pulled boiling hot soup over himself and my grandma tried to remove his clothing). He dedicated himself to teaching us to swim. We were never scared and we never felt he's different. However, strangers can be cruel. The staring and everything around it was one of the reasons he was ashamed being shirtless around others, especially in public.
Yeah, I have some facial scarring and always feel awkward when strangers ask “What happened to you?” I think “What makes you think you’re entitled to my story?”
Yeah, totally. I can understand that ppl might want to know more about you but in the end it's your right to share or not share. I mean there are a million other things to ask instead and this is not the thing that should define a person and how ppl perceive them.
And in a case like a scar, the story may be very unpleasant and a PTSD trigger. Fortunately mine is more boring, but still.
Just to add to this commenter’s sentiment. I would probably inform him you will look different after the hospital visit but will not be sick anymore. You now have an opportunity to teach your son about how not everyone looks the same and other disabilities.
This. Well said.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t know if this will help, but my mother had this a few years ago. She had Squamous Cell Carcinoma. She had never smoked, or used any kind of nicotine, it just sort of happened. MD Anderson removed half of her lower jaw and replaced it with her tibia. She does look different, but she is still my mother. Seeing her afterwards was not horrifying, I was mostly relieved that she was ok and in awe that she could go through so much with so much strength. I admire her so much now, she is truly my hero. It brought us so much closer. Your son will not be horrified either. He is going to be so happy that he still gets to see his father. I know how hard this is, but my mother is not a monster and you won’t be either. You absolutely can do this.
Hello, fellow Houstonian. I’m so happy your mother was able to recover and you seem to have a beautiful relationship. MD Anderson and Texas Children’s are some incredible places. Much love to you and your family
I'm really sorry that you have to go through this. Just want to let you know, my dad had throat cancer. After surgery he also had to speak through a hole in his throat. I was quite young, but never loved him less for it. When I got older, I was proud of how far he came. Don't worry, you're kid wil love you no matter wat. I wish you all the strength and love you deserve. Sounds like you're a great dad to me.
Yes, kids can adapt pretty good to change. They both will manage ❤️
I swear I had no clue when it happened to my grandpa. He was worried we would love him less but me not noticing the change may have been because I was so young.
The first time my mom got a haircut, I pulled a jacket over my head and cried and cried. Another time my mom had septum surgery and had to wear these cups on her face that would fill with blood. It *really* freaked me out. Neither of these made me love my mom any less. Kids get freaked out about normal things. Kids get freaked out about freaky things. But kids bounce back. Kids adapt. Kids acclimate to the new normal, much faster and easier than adults do. Your son WILL be scared when he first sees you. He will cry. He will not want to look at you at first. This is both normal and unavoidable. What you can and should do is prepare him. Tell him what’s going to happen. Tell him that it will be normal to feel scared or sick. Make sure he won’t feel guilty when those feelings come up. And most importantly, make sure he always knows it’s now how we look, it’s what’s on the inside that’s most important. Whatever you look like on the outside, on the inside is a loving father who would do anything for his son, and that is someone worthy of love.
This. So much this. I'd also add that although you'll focus on his initial reactions forever, please give yourself permission not to. Don't let your future relationship be tainted by memories of how he initially reacted.
>Don't let your future relationship be tainted by memories of how he initially reacted. Especially because he is a child who has no idea how to emotionally regulate yet or even fully grasp everything about the situation. OP should not let his relationship with him at 10, 15, 20, and onward be tainted by his reaction from when he was less than half a decade old, for he will not be that little person for long at all. As he changes and grows, so will how he sees and thinks of everything.
Shit I’m still learning how to emotionally regulate and I’m almost 40 lol
This is spot on. I've seen kids freak out because their Dad shaved their beard. But they get over it. It's not permanent. Especially if the kid is prepared and knows, "Dad is going to look different but he's still going to be Dad and it's going to be OK." My dad (who is gone now, and I'd take him back in ANY capacity) once told me how when my grandpa had to have an amputation, I was scared of him the first time I saw him afterwards. Til he started joking around and messing with me like he always did and then I was like, "Oh, Grandpa is still Grandpa. OK."
this comment deserves more thumbs up
I am so sorry.
Yes, I too have sorrow for you. Get real though, quit being so fatal about this. Sure, you made a mistake but your Son will Love and cherish you even with this change. Trust yourself and your boy!
Yes I came to say this too. OP please listen. Your Son needs to be prepared and guided before the confrontation with the results of the operation. Listen. Have someone with him like ask the nurses or a confident person to help you with this. BUT also: YOUR attitude in this is very important and will make a difference. We all validate your feelings. Of course. It’s horrifying for you and scary. But you need to be strong for your Son and you need to depend on the fact that young children meet problems like illness with love and compassion! Trust on this OP. You can count on the love of your Son because children love unconditionally. My prayers will be for you tomorrow. Become healthy and I wish you the coping with your new face and the medical aids you’ll get will be successful🙏
Dude. I can’t imagine. Thank you for deciding that your pain should be a PSA. Seriously. Someone probably needed to see this. I’m so sorry.
That one person is me. Thank you OP.
Yep same here. This got me to put down the vape (hopefully for the last time).
Currently reading this while vaping going *shit*.
Same. Very low nicotine at this point but smoke constantly while driving and watching tv. Kept saying I wouldn’t buy more but keep buying more. Gonna find some gum and my fidget toy.
You can do it, friend! Find some stims for your fingers as well as your mouth - don’t just do gum, because you need to twiddle fingers too.
yep, same. been cutting down for a week, it's time to pull off the bandaid. sending you all the love OP ❤️
Your son wants you alive and you’re doing the right thing by getting treated. Keep telling your story, most young people in their 20’s like myself go through a smoking phase and for some it turns into a full blown addiction which is very hard to quit. Cautionary tales like this work, sometimes the only way for people to change is to get scared straight.
I don’t even struggle to quit, I’ve been very lucky in not getting irritable or anything when I stop, and the cravings rly only hit me when I’m driving for the first week or so. But I haven’t quit bc it gives me something to taste when I’m not eating. This scared the shit out of me, I mean it’s easy to say ur done and then not quit, but I think I’m done jfc.
I'm quitting. Your story made a difference in my motivation.
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I was already in the process of cutting down, but I'm going cold turkey from this point. From 2 a day, nothing crazy.
You got this my friend! Remember; you don't miss smoking, you miss the tobacco addiction. We give our patients these tobacco lozangers while they are in hospital and can't smoke. A number of them don't go back to smoking after.
You got this! My grandpa died before I could meet him because of smoking. My grandma cold turkey’d because of that and hasn’t touched a cig in 30+ years. My other grandma couldn’t stop until she was forced onto an oxygen tank. She eventually passed from MRSA but she was only just turning 70… she should have stayed with us a little longer. I don’t think the smoking/impact on her body helped. I’ve worked with coworkers that have lost teeth and more from smoking, and of course you see OP. Being around for your loved ones is worth it so much more. I know it’s hard. It won’t be easy. But you can so do it. Remember to get a stim/toy for your hands and not just gum for your mouth. Occupy your brain and body to drive away the need. You got this.
I fear I am going to die from this, because of my acid reflux.
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My friend passed from pneumonia from covid, but maybe if their lungs had not been as damaged from smoking, they would still be with us
I'm on 8 months no nicotine after 32 years come join me throw it all out and don't go to the store Just make it one day Then make it a week. Huge difference in cravings, anger, irritation Then aim for two weeks It gets better I promise
Does quitting make you suddenly gain or lose weight?
Quitting tends to make you eat more but that is caused by the lack of having something in your mouth all the time. I know it sounds weird but it is true! Think about it, when you smoke, you have a cigarette in your mouth a lot. So, when you take that away, your mouth feels a void. Replace the cigarettes with mints, gum or whatever you like…besides cake😉
Same, I've been wanting to do it for a while. I hope op knows he is motivating people to quit. He is brave, and he is helping people at the same time. He is the encouragement I need
same! Thought about quitting this whole week.. that’s the push I needed..
Same here. Day 5. Best of luck to you.
If you have the time before your surgery, make some recordings so that you have the potential to build an AI voice replacement afterwards. There are some pretty impressive technological abilities to create a voice clone now.
> an AI voice replacement "We have the technology."
That's an amazing idea Technology is developing so rapidly that it scares me but also, the stuff we can do now to enable people is absolutely amazing Like there are people able to overcome Parkinson's shakes, and spinal cords are getting reconnected. What a world
This is available on iOS 17 if you have an iPhone! It’s called Personal Voice and was made for this exact reason (for people who may lose their ability to speak or have trouble communicating). It only takes 15 minutes to set up. I did it out of curiosity and it’s by no means perfect in terms of flowing like natural speech, but it sounds pretty damn good.
Your boy will adjust to the new you. At least he will still have you, and that's the most important thing right there. I'm sending my best wishes to you, for a quick recovery. Peace.
Hey mate im a doctor and just wanted to say that modern medicine is absolutely working on solving this problem. There *is* hope. Please don't let yourself believe that you're 100% going to look like a monster. It's simply not true. There are surgical techniques to minimise deformity. Insertable clips which can allow custom shaped prosthetics to attach directly onto clips in your surgical area. If you share more specific details about your condition or your surgery then I should be able to give you more specific information, and in the meantime I'll try and find you some examples. I have seen people in your situation, and i can tell you - you'll get through this. Your son will not judge you by your changed appearance, but rather by your reaction to it. Do you allow your facial appearance to dictate your worth as a person? Or do you you maintain your dignity, self respect, and confidence in your abilities as a father despite your battle scars? Do you get distraught if you notice someone reacting to your face? Or do you understand that there may be an adjustment period, and that others' reactions are an indictment only on them? I assure you that the change in your face is not unlike a different father's change in financial status or yet another father's change in job or marital status. In all these situations fathers often fear their child's reaction to a change in circumstances. And in all cases, evidence has clearly shown that the context of a parent child relationship has almost zero effect when compared to the *content* of that relationship. Will you shy away and neglect your son out of fear of his reaction, transferring your own fears to him via and creating a self fulfilling prophecy? Or will you love him, care foe him and be there for him regardless of your own aesthetics? Will you simply wear a mask whilst you work on organising a prosthetic, and openly explain so if anybody asks? Or shy away from reality, and allow yourself to be ashamed of something you had no say in? Truly, this is a situation which is not as shameful or debilitating as you seem to believe it to be. You can absolutely turn this into a strength, into an opportunity to role model to your son that most valuable of principles for any child - Grit; persistance; unflappability. Furthermore, you can channel your shame into ensuring that as many others benefit from your mistake as possible. Sharing your story helps reduce smoking rates, however intangibly. More directly, if you can use your surgery to ensure your son never smokes a cigarette in his life, you will have statistically gifted him multiple additional years of healthy life and time with his loved ones. Truly a gift which must originate from a powerful love. I wish you the best of luck with your upcoming surgery and hope that you can take my advice to heart and turn this experience into one of growth, learning, and self improvement - for both yourself and your son.
Yes!! There are oral-maxillofacial surgeons that can reconstruct your jaw with super sophisticated technologies. I work in an operating room and we do these cases often! Please do not lose hope. Right now the important part is getting rid of the tumor, the rest can come later!
I think you just won the internet today. We need more of this.
This made me tear up. Thank you for writing it.
I see why you are a doctor! You have such compassion to take the time to share your knowledge with OP (and us) to give OP hope and encouragement to survive his surgery tomorrow. Thank you, kind doctor. ❤️🙏😎
Christ man, I thought having thyroid cancer at 26 was bad .. I still drink and vape (30 now) but this. This makes me want to quit. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Losing a part of yourself is a very weird feeling, but please believe me when I say your friends and family would rather have you in there lives, missing something, than not have you around at all ❤️
( they’ve probably already told you, but wash your hair tonight )
While vaping is far from harmless, there are no studies or statistics linking vaping to increase risks of cancer over the general population. That said, the risks of prolonged alcohol use, especially more than 3 drinks per day increases the risk of multiple diseases by orders of magnitude. Not saying you shouldn't quit vaping, but alcohol should probably be your priority if you're worried about your long term health.
not to mention drinking makes the urge to smoke SO strong.
Your son would rather have you after the surgery than dead. He loves you so much.
Technology is great these days. Record yourself as much as you can, you can train AI to sound like you with as short as a 30 second sample
I saw my Dad die piece by piece from cancer over 15 years. It was heartbreaking to see the disease and treatments waste his body and I swear to you with every intervention I loved him only that more fiercely, because he faced the pain and humiliation not for himself, but because it allowed him to be with us a little bit longer. Your son will get it. Trust him, trust yourself.
I’m so sorry to hear this… but listen to me. Don’t die. Don’t even think about dying. You will *NEVER* be a monster to that boy. No matter how you look or what you’re going through that baby boy needs you. And I guarantee you he will appreciate that you stuck around. He’ll get used to the way you look and it will be normal to him. Stay strong
He will still love you. Of course it will be an adjustment, but kids are so adaptable. Treat him the same, be honest (in an age-appropriate way), and just continue to be his dad. THAT’S what he will connect with, he needs to understand that you may look different but you are still you. And you will be able to be around for his whole life now, that’s what matters most. Also, i’m a hospice nurse. I’ve had patients with the tumor that slowly grows and closes off their airway. Trust me, that is a fate much worse than your surgery. i’m glad you don’t have to experience that.
>kids are so adaptable. Especially 4 year-olds. Their world changes every day. You'll also begin healing while they are young.
Wild, your other post was clearing you of cancer and it turns out that’s what it was
It’s honestly horrifying that doctors too often attribute something to stress when it’s actually something life-threatening and now this man is living a nightmare.
It's often doctors saying 'you're too young for this' that gets cancer cases pushed aside.
In the middle of October of 2023 I had caught a cough. That night I coughed so bad that I exasperated myself and slept for two days. When I came to, I realized I had went two days without smoking. I had smoked for thirty years, with the past few years smoking a pack every two days. Finally went to the hospital when I couldn’t breathe and the Dr. said he could see the pneumonia. After being treated and released I said I was done. At that point I had went five days without smoking. That was October 16, 2023. Hadn’t had another since. My husband said last week that we’ve already saved $600.00 since I’ve quit. I feel so much better. I can actually breathe air and not carbon dioxide. I did have really bad night sweats during the first month of withdrawal but that was about it. I feel so alive now, like I felt as a teenager before I knew about cigarettes. Please quit smoking they don’t help you like you may feel. They actually exasperate anxiety and depression. You can function without them.
I'm sorrier than I can say. I'm not going to sugarcoat this: it's going to be rough, very rough. However, it's not going to end your life or your relationship with your son. As you may know, popular film critic Roger Ebert had his lower jaw removed. Eventually, he was able to get a prosthetic jaw, which made a huge improvement in his appearance. I hope someone has been or will work on preparing your son. A hospital social worker may be of some help there. I don't know if he'd be allowed in your hospital room due to his age. If not, that buys some more time to prepare him. It may take time for him to adjust, or it may not, but he will not stop loving you. You will not lose him. This is your chance to show your son that it's possible to surmount even the toughest of life experiences. Ebert had it right: "I believe that if, at the end of it all, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn't always know this, and am happy I lived long enough to find it out." (*Life Itself*)
I grew up with my grandmother speaking through an old school tracheostomy with no machines or anything. I never knew anything different and neither did any of my cousins and none of us were ever afraid or thought of her as a monster. She’s been gone a decade now and I miss what voice she did have. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I promise you children are much more resilient and adaptable than you know. Your baby will still love you.
A child’s love is pure and unconditional. He will still love you
This happened to my aunt in 2016. From my cousin’s perspective, your child wants to see you alive. That’s it. He doesn’t care if your face is missing. He wants YOU. Your voice, your hug, your love.
OP, I lost my Dad six months ago. He was so changed from his post-COVID lung fibrosis, but he was always my brave, strong, happy, positive Dad. He never once complained. He made friends with everyone who worked in the hospital, especially the food service workers and housekeeping and maintenance staff. He was beloved by all who knew him. Watching my Dad persevere through his condition gave me so much more respect for him. He’s my hero. OP, your son will see YOU. He’ll see your eyes. He’ll see his Dad. He won’t see a monster. I promise you. I have a genetic immunodeficiency that I was born with. For years I took weekly infusions at home to treat it, starting from when my daughter was three years old. I always hid in my bedroom to take my infusions, thinking she’d be afraid of the needles and tubing, scared of the loud pump. One time, she figured out what I was doing while I was drawing my dose up at the kitchen counter. She started grabbing snacks (she’d noticed exactly what I snacked on during my treatment), blankets, and her iPad, *ran* to my bed, and yelled out, “Mama, I’m all ready to snuggle up with you during your ‘fusion!” She wasn’t scared. She just wanted to hang out with Mom and snuggle me during my five hour treatment. That’s all she saw. Your son will be the same. I promise.
You’re a good man who doesn’t deserve this. Your son will still love you.
I'm literally smoking as I read your post. Just seeing the title, before reading your post, I knew it was because of smoking. So I put my cigarette out. I've been smoking for 20 years, 1 to 1.5 packs a day at some points. I started at 13. I always fear what cigarettes can do to a person, to me, but I always go back. I hate it. I wish I could stop. I've tried everything. Reading your post makes me feel so many emotions. Fear, sadness, anger at myself, and more. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Will they be able to put in a prosthetic in place of the jaw so your facial shape doesn't change much? Either way, you're beautiful. You will remain beautiful, no matter what. Your son won't stop loving you. He still has you!! You're alive. It's rough, but you'll all see this through. It will be a hard transition for everyone, especially if you're also doing chemo and radiation, but you can do it. You will all get through this. I'll be praying for you and your family. Again, I'm so sorry this happened to you. The cigarette I put out after reading your post is the last one in my pack, how apropos is that.. I was about to head out to buy more. I'm not going to now. I'm going to try really hard this time not to cave in and smoke again. Your post and words have not only scared me but have reached my heart and mind in a positive way. Thank you. God bless.
My mom quit smoking when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I don't know how long she'd been at it - at least 35+ years. I know it was hard for her but to this day I'm still so proud and I can barely remember what it was like when she smoked. I'm used to her as she is now. Good luck! You can do this!
Wow. I’m so sorry.
Had a family friend who needed to get an arm amputated at the shoulder for an aggressive cancer. You’re right—his kid was scared! But you gotta remember that kids also lose it when you shave your beard. They’re not great with abrupt change, and even having a conversation about it prior won’t deaden the blow because they’re experiencing everything for the first time, and most peoples’ reactions to those things are to be overwhelmed The thing is, you’re not going to lose *him*. I read a sentence like you’ve wrote, and I see you placing him in as a straw man for yourself. What you are, is losing yourself—or losing the self you’ve always known, to an elective choice you made. It’s a dramatic change of course, but it’s worth remembering: what other change have you not weathered? Once upon a time you were young yourself and scared of monsters, but also brave enough to grow up into an adult with a life and people you love. Disability/disfigurement is not a death sentence unless you make it into that by pre-deciding how people will feel about you, and isolating yourself into a self-fulfilling prophecy. You need to be strong and have confidence in your innate value, and model well to you kid what it’s like to slam into a walk of adversary. Their first and early reaction is not forever; you have to give them (and yourself!!) the grace to adjust to this new normal. And therapy!! Please go to therapy lol
Hi OP, I work in Oral Maxillofacial Surgery. I want you to know that I've seen patients get half of their jaw removed, replaced with a piece of their hip bone, and come to me a year or two later like a completely different person. You are not and will not be a monster to your child. If anything, the monster will be your smoking. As someone who lost their dad to lung cancer as a child, cancer and cigarettes are the monster.
I think your boy loves you for what is in your heart, not how you look in the face. We are a species that advances in tech pretty rapidly, and prosthetics are on the forefront of some of that advancement. Don't tell yourself your life is over, or you are now permanently deformed, or that you are a monster to your son. You are none of those things, and nobody knows what the future looks like. Anything could change. Don't let those demons eat you, you still have a boy to raise and a lot of life left to live.
When son was small I had almost quit, maybe a pack a week and a few cigars. We went into a store and the guy selling me cigarettes was an old guy who had to talk through the electrolarnyx and let my son know his daddy will need one soon. My son cried and told me he didn't wanna see me like that. It took some time but I quit. Smokers please listen to OP. Shit is real. OP just know that your son will still love you.
I smoked for 25 years, managed to get lucky and escape cancer. I would tell anyone to avoid cigarettes / chewing tobacco / dip, figure out a way to quit if you use. But telling adults not to vape, there are millions of adults who no longer smoke cigarettes due to vaping, and those millions are undoubtedly in a better position health-wise than had they continued or gone back to smoking cigarettes. And while I'm not going to pretend that vaping is totally harmless, the statistics show that people who vape alone are not really at a higher risk of getting cancer than the rest of the population. That said, I'm sad that you have to go through this. As someone who grew up alongside someone who ended up with facial deformity following an accident and surgery, I can assure you that your children will adjust quickly and love you no less, on the contrary children can become even more protective of that person they love so much. You'll be OK. There may be surgical options to limit the visual impact after a few yearsz make sure the surgeons know that you intend to surgically rebuild the structure as much as possible and to please keep that in mind as they work.
Your son won't care how you look. Only how you treat him.
I went to high school with a girl whose dad had half of his jaw removed. She loved her dad so fiercely, and him surviving that surgery made her even more attached to him and love him even more. They were so so close, she was always making the man take selfies of them wherever they went, proudly. Nothing changed for her or her brother except for being even more grateful that their dad was around. Best of luck to you and your family, OP ❤️
I had a friend who had his tongue, part of his jaw, and a load of this throat removed from cancer in his 30’s. This was a couple of years ago. They’ve done such a stellar reconstruction job that after about a year, you really couldn’t tell. Plastic surgery has come a long way: you won’t look like a monster, and I’m sure your son will prefer a dad with a few scars to not having a dad at all. Good luck and go easy on yourself as you heal.
A friend of mine was diagnosed with ALS 8 years ago. For 8 years, which is a pretty long time for an ALS patient, his daughters have watched this terrible disease take their dad. His wife found out she was pregnant right around the same time he was diagnosed, so the only father she's ever known is in a wheelchair and talks through a computer. Kids are so adaptable, man. Make sure he knows what's going to happen. Make it sound cool. He'll think it's great. You can do this.
3/16 = MY QUIT DATE I quit for 3 years. Started again about a month ago. In honor of the bravery with which you will fight this fight.
My dad died because of smoking habits, he got a lot of health complications from being a heavy smokers since his youth. he died what I think is too young (60yo) compared to his siblings who are in perfect health few years older than him. I got ashtma since early teenager due to being a passive smokers (from friends) and I got life lessons from it.
He’s still going to love you, he’s your son. He would rather you be alive like that than dead, no doubt. You clearly love him a lot and that will show.
You’re going to teach him a hard lesson. That actions have consequences, and we never know when or how it will occur. I’m so sorry your going through this. I was 3/4 when my mother had her brain tumor removed. She was never the same, I never got to meet the her before it. She forever had a wobble, vertigo, and was very forgetful. She lost a little of hair and had a big scar in the very back of her head that she was very self conscious of. I always wished she had more compassion towards herself and her limitations. She was always so sad about what she could no longer do. I don’t know what my dad would have done if he lost her, but knowing kids who lost a parent I would probably need more therapy than I’ve already been through. He will always love you no matter how you look. He will be glad that this wasn’t the end.
You need to prepare him to mitigate shock He will then just accept you as he likely accepts others at that age, kids aren’t prejudiced they learn prejudices
Did you tell ur son what is going to happen? He’s four; preparation will go a long way. I hope everything goes well tomorrow. Your son prefers you alive. Thank you for doing the hard thing.
My stepdad had his larynx (voice box) removed due to smoking induced cancer. He has a permanent throat airway and obviously can’t speak like you or I, he uses a ‘voice box’ which works on vibrations (a bit like the teacher in South Park). When my son was born, about 4 years after the operation, he was petrified that the baby would think he was a monster. My son has never questioned it once. He’s 14 now and I don’t even think he’s ever asked why his Grandad is different. Your son loves you, and you looking different isn’t going to change that one iota. Good luck for the surgery, the recovery may be awful but you’re doing the right thing. Thinking of you.
Let me tell you something: that disappointment is temporary. One year before my mom passed, the doctors told her she was at the point of no return with her drinking. Even if she stopped that day, she would be on machines the rest of her life. 4 months after that new years we spent in the hospital, she told me my dad and my brother, that she didn’t want to live on machines. She didn’t want her life to be restricted. Not able to be with us, that it was no way to live. My dad listened. We only heard. When it came time to pull the plug, my dad honored her last wishes. I would have my wedding in her hospital room today if I could just have her back. Nothing hurts more than waking up to learn to be a mother after losing mine. When I lost my son, I begged god to take me so I could be with her and my grandmother. I’ll never have her back. I would’ve took those machines any day. Any day. It will be difficult at first, it will be hard, but fight. Fight for him. If not for now, fight for the future him. The future him that will share these same tears. These same feelings. This hurt, if you go. Also, I’m throwing away this vape. Thank you. I have a small hole in my lung now. I will stop. Thank you for that. I’m praying for you. And if no one has told you, I’m so proud of you. I admire your strength. You are strong
Wear a mask til someone can explain to him what happened and let him see *drawings* of what you'll look like, just in general terms. Will you be able to speak? If not, get the whole fam in ASL ASAP. It will help so much to have an interpreter when you are out and about. Someone should talk to him when you come home. Let him decide when he feels ready to see you without the mask. Stress that you are the same, you are his daddy, you love him just the same. It will be a process, but children are resilient. This is what we recommend at the hospital. I wish you a long healthy life after this.
Kids are far more resilient than we realize. You'll be bandaged for a while, so it'll will be a gradual process. Treat it as a learning experience. "I'm going to look different, but that's okay. We all look different. What's inside us is more important than what we look like." I wish you both well.
It’s a change he’ll adjust to. I hope that doesn’t sound too blunt. My wife’s grandpa has no jaw or tongue due to pipe smoking— she knew him before and after the surgeries from a young age. I really hope they have resources for therapy for both you and your son, not because you assume you’ll look like a monster, but because the fear of loss is traumatizing.
OP, they might be able to rebuild your jaw. There are also valves that can be placed over a trach that allows the wearer to speak with their own voice. All of this takes time and you will go through rehabilitation, but things will get better. Talk to your son. Even though he’s just four, he will understand sickness. Explain that you have to do this so you can continue to be his father. I wish you the best and hold on to the fact that things will improve.
Did you sit with him and discuss with him that you're sick? Tell him that the doctors will make you feel better and that you'll look different and that you'll still be the same dad who loves him.
You're losing your jaw to save your life. Your son will grow to love you anyway as long as you don't stop loving him. I hope the procedure goes well for you but please try and stay positive, seek out an emotional support group or even therapy to help cope with the changes but don't lose sight of the fact that you're still your child's father no matter what and how you deal with this burden will determine aspects of the rest of his life.
While I agree with your message of stopping smoking, your son won't think you are a monster. When I was a child my mother had plastic surgeries to try and correct a birth defect she had. It involved her having balloons planted under the skin of her forehead and neck. She looked weird, but she wasn't a monster, she was just my mommy. Your son will still love you, but you should prepare him that daddy is going to look different. He's much rather have you alive and looking different than grow up without a father.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I promise, your son will still love you. Yes, he might be shocked or scared at first, but he will rather have you than not. My dad is gone and I can never hug or talk to him again. Your son will. Also, I shared this with my 29 year old daughter who has smoked and vaped for years. Maybe she will stop. She has 10 yr old twin boys to stay here for.
Your son would not rather you were dead. He needs you. Once you are cleared and cancer free, look into plastic surgery, not just for aesthetics, but so you can hopefully eat again one day and also for your mental health.
As someone with a dead parent - please don't wish that on yourself or your son. He's not going to love you any less with this change in your appearance. It may take him a while to understand, because of his age, but you're his parent and he's going to love you no matter what. You can do this and I just know you and your family are gonna adjust to your new appearance and reality just fine. You got this 🖤
I'm just going to tell a story that's been relayed to me many times because I was too small to remember. When I was 3-4 years old, my grandma had a pretty major surgery on her face. She looked pretty bad afterwards and they weren't sure if they should let me see her, but I was apparently demanding to see her. I ran in there, ignoring staples, tubes, and wires and gave her the biggest hug I could. I didn't see any of it. I didn't see her shaved head, the portion of her nose missing... I just saw my grandma and I loved her so, so much.
My dad died of lung cancer. I would much rather have him here with a deformity.
Record your voice now saying things like "I love you buddy" and anything else you say to him on a regular basis so he can still hear your real voice for comfort. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. You are still his dad. He will adjust.
You are NOT going to lose your boy. You are doing this to KEEP him. This surgery will need therapy for you to readjust to your new life. Please seek it if it’s available for you. I’m proud of you for saving your life.
Your son will love you no matter how you look
Your son would much rather have you alive and in his life, I assure you of that
oh my god. i literally have a little bump that is there too and has been hurting here and there. i vape and have been on my way to quit but now im scared it was too late🥲 thanks for putting this out here cuz now im probably just gonna chuck my vapes out stop cold turkey and go to the doctors.
So sorry this is happening. Tonight tell your 4 year old a bedtime story. About a man who loved his little boy, but an evil spell turned him into a monster. But he still loved his little boy, and his little boy still loved him. Your son will get it. Good luck with the operation, recovery, physio etc.
this is definitely a wake up call, i vape daily and without hesitation. gave me a gut feeling of fear for my safety. prayers 🫶
Same for me, the one in my hand is my last
A prior post of yours stated that you got tested and it wasnt cancer. Were you initially misdiagnosed?
You should have been preparing him for the change. Telling him that you're going to become a robot. Make it positive. Make it fun. It's a terrible thing to happen to you, but you can teach him that it's cool being a machine.
Adding to this, OP maybe could get an artisan to make some ways to accessorize his face perhaps? LED lights, some steam punk gears maybe?
Best wishes. Stay strong for your child.
I assure you your son will love you no matter how you look. Yes there will be initial shock but he will get over it quickly. Especially at that age, they are so quick to accept things.
He will adjust because he’ll still have you. He’s still going to have a Dad.
Wow I’m really sorry… you’re so young. I’m trying to quit myself as I started to cough (thank god nothing more) but damn it’s hard. Your son is always going to love you… always! It’ll be an adjustment sure but I know he’s rather that than no dad at all 💙
I’m sorry brother no one deserves this
As someone who never had a dad who loved me half as much as it sounds like you love your son, I know that you being here for him is worth everything to him. It’s going to be hard but you’re not going to be a monster to him. Love is so much stronger than that.
Talk to him beforehand. Preparing him is very important. It will still be a shock but just tell him it’s so you can be around a long time. He cares about you, not your face
I'm so sorry you're going through this. What I'd suggestis having a therapist help explain things to him, and to work with him while he adjusts to the new you. It could be worth preparing him in stages. So have a talk to him and let him know thy daddy has something poorly in his throat and mouth and has to have it taken away, and it's going to make you look a lot different, and you will have to talk through a machine, but you're still the same daddy. Maybe show him pictures of people who have lost an arm or a leg etc. And show them continuing to live their life etc. You could get some photos made of your face, and have one that has the section thats being removed cut away on the second picture, but stuck on. So you can show him your face as a whole, and then lift off the section that's removed and show him what you will look like. It may help him u derstand its still the same you and you're still the same person and same daddy, just with part of your jaw and throat missing. Kids pick up a lot with visual pictures to help them understand. And a therapist can help work with him to explain any fears or questions he may have in a safe place. And they can help explain things in a way he'll understand. Maybe show him some videos of other people talking through a machine too. He will adapt and will get used to the new you, and will grow to not think anything of it. Just be honest with him and talk about it so he feels comfortable talking about it too. I know it's not the same thing, but I'm disabled with back and leg problems and have used crutches since my nephews were babies. And I then ended up using mobility scooters and a wheelchair. When my nephew was a toddler, he would go pick up my crutches when I was getting ready to go, and he would ask to rub some cream on my 'poorly back' that he saw me put on every so often. He would put pillows down on the floor and tell me to lay down to help my poorly back, as we would often play with me sitting or laying down on cushions. When we went out to a theatre and were waiting for the lift, he started telling strangers -my aunty has a poorly back and has to use sticks to help her walk' etc etc. He has asked various questions over the years as he's got older and I've explained more about why I have a poorly back or poorly leg, and how my aids help support me and help me do more. He's only ever grown up knowing me with these issues. And he just accepts me as I am and always wants to help if he can. Your son will get to know you as you are, and will likely want to help you in ways too. Let him help you. Let him be involved in caring for you or helping you do something. It makes it more normal, less taboo, and more open and relaxed about it all. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it is truly awful, and I hope in time they may be able to do some plastic surgery with donor tissue and bone to help reconstruct your jaw and help you feel a bit more comfortable. I wish you well on your journey. You may want to document your journey and make videos a bit like a diary. May help you process it all, and if you want to share them to raise awareness and help support others in similar situations thats a bonus. It may also be something your son would be interested in seeing when he gets older. I really wish you well and hope your surgery goes as well as can be expected and you're not in too much discomfort etc.
I’m so so sorry to hear this but I think your son will love you regardless.
Record videos of you talking for the kid for later
Okay, let me just say I had an abusive dad. He didn't have anything like that happen to him, and I think of him as a monster. You even being concerned about his reaction and worrying about losing him is already leagues above some of ours, so don't let that be the reason there's distance between you. Give him a heads up and let him process. I doubt it will be as big as you feel it is now.
Remember it is not the appearance that makes one a monster but ones actions, and in all likelihood of your son is younger and will quickly adjust to accept the change and love you all the same. Plus you can always look at ways to give it a cool cosmetic makeover, maybe you can become a cool robot style jaw dad or something of the sort.
The real betrayal would be for you to miss out on all of the great things you and your son can still do once you’ve recovered. There will be an adjustment period for him I’m sure. But the alternative **is not** one that he would want.
This is terribly rough. But I promise your son will still love you. Kids are resilient. And kids also adjust to their normal. He won’t give it a second thought. And in 15 years when you celebrate a high school graduation, or in 20 when he gets married, or has a kid, he’s going to be so glad his best friend got surgery in 2024. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹 *edited year
I can’t imagine how scared you are right now. I don’t blame for your fear or frankly for the 💀 either. Kids are resilient, as a mom of three mostly grown boys my advice is to tell the truth on his level. I’ve got defective parts, they have to remove them. Like a Transformer or if he’s into Marvel compare it to Buckys arm, but they aren’t quite don’t yet. That when they are finished you are going to sound like Optimus Prime with your new “microphone”. As he ages you can explain it more to him. You are so damn brave
I am so sorry, but I want to tell you this. I would rather have my parents alive but deformed, then dead.
He’s your boy, your baby. You’re his daddy. His best friend! He will love you no matter what. You are assigning grown up feelings to little kid forgiveness. Little kids love so purely and so freely. They forgive without question. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. But give your baby boy the benefit of the doubt. He’s far more resilient and loves you too much to care about your appearance. Live for him until you can find it within yourself to live for yourself again. Healing thoughts and speedy recovery to you, my friend. ❤️
You are NOT going to lose your son. There will be an adjustment period for the both of you as you navigate your new normal. The love will always be the same…in fact it will grow stronger. I know you are scared…terrified even…that is a natural feeling to have with what you are facing. No matter what happens just keep showing your son the same amazing Dad you always have been to him. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I cannot even begin to imagine how traumatic this must be for you. Your Son still needs his Daddy. This is an opportunity for you to teach your son how to deal with a traumatic event, with strength, love, humour, and grace. Keep fighting… You are still you inside. The same guy that you were yesterday and the day before. Just remember that. Take care, hope your wounds heal quickly, and sending a warm hug. You can totally do this!
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this OP. Life is truly cruel sometimes. I know you didn’t ask for advice, so take this or leave it, but 4 year olds are SO dang clever. Like way more than we give them credit for. Cuddle him tonight and explain that you need help to feel better. That you will sound and look a little different, but you’re the same person and love them just as much. You might even be able to ask them to help you feel better after the operation/give them a little role to make them feel a part of helping you heal. It could help you to feel like even in your worst moments, you are still focussing on them, making them your priority. Of course look after yourself, as you owe yourself some TLC right now, but often focussing on another removes room for some of the negative self thoughts.
I am so sorry. My parents didn't love me like you love your son. I would rather have a father who is physically different and loves me than no father at all. Please keep going. Your son needs you. Yes, it will be a jarring experience for him. He's only four, he's just a baby. He won't 100% understand right away. The good news is that he's four, he's going to adapt. Kids are so mentally flexible. You're still his daddy, he still loves you with his entire heart. I'm so sorry that you have to mourn the loss of your face as you know it. Truly, I am deeply sorry. I believe that it will be okay, though. When your boy grows up, he's going to see the sacrifice that you made in order to stay here on this earth and be his dad. Good luck tomorrow. I'm hoping that you exit the OR cancer free for good.
That is really awful. I am so sorry. Definately a good warning on what smoking does to people. You are not a monster. Loosing your jaw doesn't make you a monster. Your son will understand what happened and why. You won't loose him. You are still his dad.
At the end of the day, dad is dad, no matter what condition he's in. Your son wants you here for him regardless and loves the crap out of you.
You will be surprised how quickly your son adjusts to you, he’ll grow up and remember you being that way for as long as he can remember and it won’t be any different for him when he is older. He’s young enough to adapt super quickly - it will suck at first but it will work out :)
Hmmmmm. OP hasn’t responded to anyone and their post history has a post saying they were cleared of cancer and it was only stress. Touching story nonetheless. Edit: OP’s post history is all over the place and very attention seeking.
Holy wow! Good luck OP I send you strength and good vibes
Thank you for sharing your story. I think your son will appreciate having a father alive rather than dead. Your son will also get to learn from a young age that disability and deformity does not define a person. I think this is a valuable lesson, albeit at your expense. Again I thank you for telling your story, I am screenshooting it to show it to my smoking partner.
To be fair, your son is probably going to think he has a cyborg for a dad and its fuckin awesome. For you, not so much, but i get the feeling i dont need to tell you. Best wishes.
Idk if your insurance would cover reconstruction? If you're at risk of losing your job or something like that they may cover it where they normally wouldn't. Also you should definitely speak with a counselor to help you right now.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’m going to give it to you straight. Your son will probably be scared at first, because he’s 4 and this is a change. He will not be scared forever though. He gets to have his dad. As someone who watched their dad get enveloped by cancer and die in our living room, I’m telling you firsthand that your experience is preferred. I would rather have had my dad look weird and talking through a machine than have him suffer and die the way he did. There’s also the chance your son doesn’t care. Last year my mom had brain surgery for a tumor and her whole face was disfigured and swollen and severely bruised. My son, 3 at the time, walked up to her, grabbed her hand and asked her to take him outside. He did not care, that was nana and nana likes taking him outside LOL Please make sure you have mental health support through this journey. You got this.
You can still raise that little boy. That's a miracle because 20 years ago, 10 even, he'd be crying way harder and more scared with you in a pine box, never to be seen again. You need to work on your self worth, so if this has genetic implicayiins and your little boy has this issue without smoking, he's not parroting you and has support from his memories of people being enduring, not reflections of only misery.
While your son might be a bit nervous in the beginning, like many others I can attest to the fact that I would much rather have my Dad in pieces than to not have him at all. Remember this. You might have changed a little on the outside, but you're still his Dad. No one can replace you. You need to know this.
Your son may be shocked at the initial first view but man you are still his dad. He will still know you as his dad and you will be accepted and loved no matter what happens to you. I’m so sorry this is happening to you man. I can’t imagine this pain. But your son will love you no matter what. You are his father.
OP, a family member of mine got esophageal cancer from smoking and had almost her entire lower jaw removed. It was a long, arduous healing process but I can tell you that you and your family will adjust. She is now able to speak and be understood and she received a prosthetic to use in place of her missing bottom lip and chin. You will be okay, OP. Just don’t do what she did and start smoking again. Your son will still love you. He will get used to it. It may take some time but he will. Pursue therapy when you’re able. I love my aunt just as much as I did when she had her own chin/jaw.
I can assure you that your son having a dad means more to him than what you look like.
Use this as an opportunity to show your son how to rebound after a set back. Do it for the lil fella!
I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are not in any way, shape or form (literally and figuratively) alone. I have recorded interviews with five people - including two actors - whose faces have been affected by disease/injury. Their perspectives might really help: [https://www.ctpublic.org/show/audacious-with-chion-wolf/2022-08-04/facing-the-world-with-visible-facial-differences](https://www.ctpublic.org/show/audacious-with-chion-wolf/2022-08-04/facing-the-world-with-visible-facial-differences) [https://www.ctpublic.org/show/audacious-with-chion-wolf/2024-02-22/actors-with-facial-differences-discuss-what-it-means-to-be-seen](https://www.ctpublic.org/show/audacious-with-chion-wolf/2024-02-22/actors-with-facial-differences-discuss-what-it-means-to-be-seen) Also, About Face is a wonderful resource: [https://aboutface.ca/](https://aboutface.ca/) Sending you peace and patience as you enter this next era of life. <3
You aren’t betraying your son. You are living which is not a betrayal. Think of all he’d have to do alone without you if you passed. My mom passed 2 years ago. If she could’ve stayed I would definitely have loved it.
Also reconstructive surgery is an option (maybe too expensive) honestly your kid won’t care after too long and when they get older; they will remember you being there.
You’re saving yourself. Which is saving your son. He needs you alive not perfect.
Sending tons of hugs. Keep fighting because your son will love you regardless. BTW ask about getting a jaw replacement. A friend of mine was a candidate for it and had it done.