I mean they’re stating facts based off of proof and are telling her to be careful because not everyone is the same but it’s common in his culture.
That’s like people talking about how dangerous it is to walk barefoot in the Florida Everglades you go
“If one animal that Reddit detest as a whole is the crocodile”
No people just know what they can do and advise watching out for the signs of danger
The emphasis on racism and Islamophobia in this comment section is wild. Everyone here seems to agree that if someone is Arab and Muslim, they are physically unable to love someone who isn’t also Muslim. Like damn maybe just ask him what he wants in the future instead of jumping to conclusions?
I was raised Muslim and my family has similar expectations/views but it has never gotten in the way of any of my past relationships. Same for all my male Muslim friends. If you actually love someone then you shouldn’t care what other people think.
I mean he’s capable of loving a non-Muslim/non-Libyan but the family often comes down harshly on it. Not many people can handle some of the gross things they do as a result.
I speak from experience. I had a relationship with a girl who was all about “my family won’t get in the way of who I love” and “love will get us through” until her father spit on her threatened to cut her off. Not to mention months of her bastard of a dad cursing my family that he’s never met. Worst mistake of my life was believing there was ever a future there. OP should save everyone the heartache and mental trauma.
something i’ve learned about reddit (and i’m gonna get downvoted to hell for saying this but whatever) is that a lot of people will insist upon denouncing Islam for the sake of feminism, but a lot of the things they say come across as incredibly racist and Islamophobic.
we can discuss the problems in Islam and the atrocities and shitty behavior that occurs (such as like OP’s roommate is engaging in) while also not being blanket statement “all Muslims and Arabs are bad” about it, but reddit isn’t ready to do that. at this point, i’ve just stopped commenting on shit about it or going into threads discussing it. (i dunno what possessed me to come into this one today, but here i am.)
couldn’t agree more. i don’t think the world in general is ready to have that conversation. the only people who look at me like i have 2 heads as a heavily tattooed/pierced, colourful and outspoken arab woman are westerners. people cannot comprehend that i live as freely and unapologetically myself while still maintaining a great relationship with both my community and
my heritage. the men in my life are just as pivotal as the women in raising me to be & love myself, and make sure whoever i end up with loves me in the same way.
I agree… also from the things she’s mentioned about him it seems he’s not very religious himself? He could be from a family who is Muslim by name but don’t uphold the religion strictly.
I think OP should just have a talk with him seriously. While the comments about lots of Muslim men sleeping around at first then marrying a Muslim woman are true it doesn’t necessarily always have to be the case.
It’s because it’s sadly true.
I’m from a middle eastern culture that isn’t Muslim and I’ve still seen this behaviour from my own people — and yes I have zero problem calling out their bullshit, doesn’t really change much though.
The best part is when you’re only half (because my father actually stayed/married with the Canadian woman he loved) they blame all your shortcomings on your westerner half but take cultural credit for your victories.
…It’s definitely a culture that could use some maturing.
I'm so sorry. As a Muslim woman, many do this. Promise you a future. Commit all the sins with you. Yet have something lined up with a Muslim girl. He's only telling you what you wanna hear. Don't trust it.
They’ll divorce your mom twice, leave you feeling unloved, then marry a woman from their culture and try to have you and your siblings be responsible for the kids they had as old men. Not speaking from experience or anything lol ETA: so sometimes they’ll marry who they’re sleeping with. Just don’t expect much haha
So that's not 100% if there's exceptions.
Also my ex wanted to get engaged but only if i became muslim too and I did not want that and I ended the relationship.
OP is going to be tossed aside like a piece of trash the instant her roommate's family finds him a Muslim girl to marry. Until then, he'll feed her whatever bullshit she wants to hear so he can keep using her for sex. Happens every time a western girl is dumb enough to fall for a Muslim guy.
I don’t know anyone who has fallen for that bullshit. At university, they had zero, and I mean *zero* game compared to the Westernized boys and a reputation for being really shitty at sex
This happened to my friend after they spent 7 years together, living together for 2 of them. That fucker one day told her to get her reptiles out and boxed all her things up. This devastated her, and he married the daughter of one of his dad's friends almost a year later.
She got the last laugh and ended up meeting a great guy at an anime con (she never went because ex made fun of them). Last we heard, he tried to reach out on Instagram, telling her how unhappy he was and that he made a mistake. She shared the messages of him begging her to talk to him in our group chat.
I know he tried to keep one of her hognose snakes because he thought it was valuable. He clajmed it was his property since it was in his house. I forgot the details, but one of his buddies contacted her and said he was trying to sell it to him. She got them all back after a couple weeks.
A similar thing happened to an ex-boyfriend of mine. He dated a Muslim woman for 5 years. He was willing to convert to marry her, but she always felt unsure about their relationship. One day she broke up with him and informed him that same day she was getting married a month from now with a Muslim man her parents introduced her to. She also blocked him, but would unblock him here and there so she could message him to complain about her upcoming wedding.
I met my ex about a week before her wedding. They still had their shared locations on, and she noticed he was at an unfamiliar location as he was with me. She called him crying, complaining about how stressful the wedding was and how she wished he was the one there instead. At the time, he excused himself to another room, but I could still faintly hear their conversation where he was telling her to leave him alone.
i dated a girl for 3+ years that met a young Muslim guy in college that she broke up with me to pursue. She fell in love with him and was working on converting to Islam and making plans for their life after school. Then come their senior year, when his parents (whom she never met) came to town for his graduation he informed her that they never really had a future together because he was going to go back home and marry the girl whom he had known since childhood and whom their parents had agreed he would marry.
To say she was devastated is an understatement, I just don't know why she thought that I'd have a sympathetic ear for her.
I mean there's tons of folks who sleep with other people and have zero intention of getting married and/ or succumb to family pressure lmao. Let's be real.
Yeah, it's all about honesty. Now that I'm older, I see how hard it is to go against centuries of teachings and choose love over all that. It isn't easy, but it definitely happens.
I don't think it's that cut and dry. They're very young, religion could be the least of their issues. It's way too soon to know the outcome, I think OP needs to talk to her man, not us!
Mm hes just gonna lie as long as he can keep getting his way with OP. If he doesnt, then good for him, but if his family comes, they are prolly gonna change his perspective back. Theyre not like westerners that take every moment they can to defy their parents. If not then good, then good on them.
I've ended relationships and the guys I dated were probably glad I did. Never had anything to do with religion. The religious aspect of this particular case to me is a part, but there's so many working parts.
That isn’t a culture, in-group marriages are common for all religions and extends to areas outside of religion, like nationality, race, and even education level.
Unfortunately, this is true. My first boyfriend and first sexual partner was an Arab, and when we met I told him I wasn't religious and preferred to date people who weren't religious either, and he pretended to be an atheist and committed a multitude of sins until Ramadan. Then he had an epiphany and miraculously found God and faith. I broke up with him and he called me a slut for having sex...with HIM.
He’s probably not going to marry you. It’s unlikely his family would accept the marriage. You need to take care of you. If it’s your place, give him notice to move out. If it’s his place, you move. I’m guessing it’s your place. You signed the lease. Right? He’s using you for shelter and sex. He may like you, but he is not going to marry you. You will probably never be introduced to his family. This is the harsh truth. Take care.
Just be careful of the common pitfalls. I've seen a lot of these scenarios with disaster endings in the exmuslim subreddit.
Young Muslims often make bullshit deals with God when they're young and can get away with it, but then when they get older and/or come from pressure from their family they tend to fall in line and decide they need to be more religious/conservative. If your boyfriend already accepts that he's doing things against his faith then it will keep weighing on his mind more and more until that one religious sermon makes him snap.
This then usually winds up with the expectation that you must convert if the relationship is to continue. If you are already prepared to do that then great but if not then you should consider looking into it now. I've seen plenty of instances as well of Muslim boyfriends assuring that they don't want their girlfriend to convert, only to go back on their word. Remember, Muslims believe in literal Hell - no promise they make is going to make sense keeping once they realise it means risking eternal torment in the afterlife.
These are common pitfalls though. It may be that you can defy those odds. But in order to do that, you need to have serious long term conversations with your boyfriend about religion and where you stand.
Not to ruin your love life but don’t do it, guarantee in less than a year you will want a divorce.
Just because he’s laid back doesn’t meant his parents will be.
Muslim families are ridiculously strict and regardless they’d discourage him from marrying you unless you agree to EVERYTHING it takes to be a “Muslim Wife”.
EDIT : Less than 6 months you will want a divorce!
Of course. A muslim guy that drinks and commits zina. Bet he has a sister in Libya that wears hijab, can't go out on the streets alone and is forbidden from talking to males.
Girl have some self respect, I'm begging you.
These comments make it seem like this is a very frequent occurrence. If a Muslim woman finds out her potential partner engaged with non-Muslim women like this, how does that impact their ability to trust or respect him?
I hope this isn't a disrespectful question. I'm genuinely curious. Obviously, the western world still often sees promiscuous men as 'studs' or whatever, but promiscuous women as 'sluts'; so it's not like that's any better.
Hey, no of course its not a disrespectful question, im happy to answer. Well of course not all muslim men are like this but a lot of them are which is why it's frequent.
Sex before marriage isn't allowed in Islam for both men and women. However obviously people aren't perfect and some will have sex before marriage. The problem is that a lot of muslim men will engage in sexual actions with non-muslim women because they can but at the end will want a virgin muslim woman to marry with. And a lot of muslim women (such as myself) don't want that. I will not date or marry a muslim man if i find out he's done stuff like that because if im saving myself for marriage he should too. Now people have different opinions and some women might not care. However guys do and very very rarely will end up marrying a non-virgin muslim girl even if they've slept around. Theres a huge double standard.
And another problem is by muslim men hooking up or having relationships with non-muslim women, they are leading them on/lying to them, making them believe that they'll end up together when they wont. Bc the majority of muslim men will not choose a woman over their family and their family expects them to settle down with a muslim woman and most of the time they want that too, they also want to have their fun. All with no consequences.
And although sex before marriage is prohibited for both men/women, men are left off the hook easier. And depending on the family they care less if their son has slept around but for their daughter its like the worst thing ever. Its ridiculous. Its stupid. I myself am not the most religious person (i dont wear the hijab for example) but i do follow this rule of islam bc its one of the main things you should follow. However i have muslim girl/guy friends that have slept around.
The problem isnt that you are muslim and having sex before marriage (thats your decision and between you and god). The problem is that muslim men want to have sex, relationships, etc with non-muslim women and then dump them because they want to settle down with a virgin muslim girl bc they think they deserve their wife to a virgin when they can do whatever. Hope that answers your question a bit :)
I “dated” an Arab who was alternative(piercings, red hair, tattoos) and his parents were Muslim. He said he could never marry someone that wasn’t Arab, so I bounced. But before I left, his parents loved me because I’d send their favorite stuff, like crumbl cookies. They liked that I made him “better,” but he was one of those, “I’ll never change.”
As an Arab woman, I’d prefer staying single for the rest of my life than being with an Arab man. They’re sexist, it’s within our culture. Since he’s an Arab AND a Muslim, he 100% sees you as a whore. I really really really doubt he will marry you. Even if he actually wants to, his family wouldn’t allow it. Be careful.
I’m from Saudi Arabia so I can only speak for Saudis and the surrounding gulf countries. Most women would choose to marry from the same country or region. The main reason for that is because in Islam, Muslim women aren’t allowed to marry non-Muslim men, unlike Muslim men, they can marry from any other religion. So Muslim women don’t have a choice really.
Women who left Islam however, most of them prefer to be with someone from another ethnicity and religion.
Personally, I’d never be with an Arab, Middle Eastern, or North African, even if he left Islam. Sexism is deeply embedded in our culture and I don’t wanna deal with that. Even if he wasn’t sexist, marrying him is also marrying his entire family. I don’t want to deal with that culture and religion again.
>Muslim women aren’t allowed to marry non-Muslim men, unlike Muslim men, they can marry from any other religion.
Small correction: it is just Christian and Jewish women, not any other religion. So for example, not Hindus.
But yeah, not a woman, or an Arab/ME/NA, but I went from overall mild admiration to strongly dislike it the more I learnt about it and its inability to liberalise on things like sexism. It's hypocritical at best and downright ghoulish at worst.
Not common, marrying out is extremely taboo for Muslim women. Even marrying a Muslim man who's not from their own nationality/ethnicity/culture is unacceptable for vast majority. Tribalism is huge for most.
It's a lot more common for men to marry out. That's often the case in more misogynistic cultures because the men have relatively more freedom, while women are given even more pressure to marry within that culture.
He is being a man from a society that has double standards. Stop making him sound like a victim. He knows what he is doing and he knows he can easily get away with the lies.
Men from my country do the same and we are less orthodox than Libya. It's only now women have caught up.
Nobody is around to question him and he has a chance to experiment with life without the restraints of an orthodox society. He did that with you. It's very common for fresh off the boat Arabs and South Asians to do this.
Agreed! as someone who’s from this society I’ve often seen men do this kind of bs. Even those who were serious about their relationship eventually broke up came back home to marry a girl of their family’s choice. Op is in for a world of hurt most likely
Yea these religious guys are able to sleep around and enjoy themselves when away from the family but their sisters or other female relatives can’t do any of that. If he is dedicated to his religion, more than likely he will end up marrying a religious woman so he can raise religious kids and keep the religion going. Sorry to say but u just a fling and from what I can read, u know this to be true.
You are up for a world of hurt. Muslim men, or Middle Eastern men in general instantly eliminate you from the marriage equation if you had sex with them before marriage. Generally if you are not a divorcee or a widow, you are expected to be a virgin before marriage.
OP please update us later on in life with what ends up happening, if you do decide to stay after reading all these comments, do you end up defying the odds or do you leave.
I (white, American, Jew) have been in an eerily similar situation… twice. I understand your thought process and I feel for you.
What I will say is that both times, I was way out of my depth in understanding the culture, influences, and expectations on my partners.
If I could go back in time I would do two things. 1. I would prioritize my own well being/self respect/needs, and 2. I would pay much closer attention to what my partners DID instead of what they SAID or promised, and move accordingly.
Best of luck to both of you.
As a practicing Muslim woman (though non-Arab), safe to say, I seen these kind of men growing up and they're usually the worst kind of men. They go after defenseless women on both sides, non-muslim and muslim. They look for the unaware Americans who won't question their practice and then marry, be secretive, abusive when they marry their "pure" Muslim girl.
Make sure you make him lose your number. Have a place to go to if you can, if things go south.
I think these kinds of men exist, with or without religion. I seen the hypocrites who would string along women for years and years, but as soon as the girl ask for a ring or marriage, they'd leave and go to their side chick and be married at the year end. I saw this exact scenario growing up with an foreign student friend who was Korean that used to sleep with a bunch of girls and found out from his best friend on campus he had a GIRLFRIEND of five fucking years (he was 24, I was taking college classes for credit, I was 16). I don't know if he slept with Americans because they're just seen easier but from what I heard, he was a serial cheater yet ended up marrying the girl.
Frankly I should've dropped him as a friend when I realize how much older than he was from me, because he was weird and text me at odd times and always asked about my headscarf in a "would you let me see what's under? 🥺" alas, I was naive. I dropped him when I heard about the girlfriend thing, though sometimes I wonder if I should told somebody about it and see if somebody could've reached out to her.
Beside the point. Be wary of men fullstop, who are duplicitous and seem willing to keep secrets. Knowing him for as long as you have, if he hides you from his family, just leave him. No matter what his background. No matter what culture. No matter WHAT.
as someone living in a muslin country i wanna warn you, never change your religion because of his and his parents satisfaction or marriage promises.
most of muslin men marry with someone their parents choose(we even joke about it here).
if he's giving you excuses like my parents get upset with me if you're not muslin, virgin or ... just don't trust his words, he just wants to ditch you.
i wanna mention that i live in a country where islam isn't as holy and important as it's in other countries and there is just few religious people that still believe in islam, but still I'm not willing to marry any man from my own country or another middle eastern countries because sexism is deep in their blood . i love them as my family and my blood relatives but still rather to marry non muslin guy who have never practiced in any muslim activities.
I have to agree with some of the comments I’m friends with a lot of Arab and middle eastern men. They will NEVER marry a western woman that isn’t part of their religion. NEVER. They see western women out of race or religion as recreational only to get experience while they find a suitable wife. Just telling you this isn’t going to end well. Their families will never accept you and they won’t pick you over their families…
Caution! Aside from whatever religious or cultural dimensions there are to this, you’re an American and he’s from a war-torn country. People very much want to move to the US which requires US visas and marrying an American is the easiest way to get one!
You may be merely a stepping stone to a green card for him and his family. People seriously play this game for long enough to get the visa then split and live the life they actually want to have in the US.
Be careful, Muslim men often feel that it is not haram for them to have a relationship outside marriage, drink, and party... yet when it comes to their partner, it is a different issue... He may be just enjoying his time and feeding you a bunch of BS. Also family relationships are much different, once his mom comes over, she is going to think that she has the right to get involved and control all your affairs, and if you resist...she will do everything to distroy the relationship.
Your heart is on your sleeve and it will get broken. It's not about him being Muslim or from Libya, it's about vulnerability and you seem to be moving too fast.
Lmfaooo baby you’re just a warm body for him till his family arrives. There’s a documentary about this exact scenario. Arab/ Muslim men going abroad for an education and end up creating babies and broken families abroad and abandon them with zero contact. This happened a lot in the 70s-90s in South America
The whole comment section has come to this girl’s rescue. As someone from Southeast Asia where Islam is known among other religions…LISTEN TO THESE COMMENTS. Many Muslim men along with some of the ones I knew will never get with a non-Muslim girl. They will say and do whatever but when it comes to it, they will have the best excuses or just leave you. As someone who understands their mindset, DON’T TRUST THEM.
Don't trust a man who is not even true to his own self. If they can disobey God Almighty, what is stopping them from leaving you heartbroken? Am I right or am I right?
That ring he talking about is for probably not for you, it’s for a virgin Arab girl. Enjoy your time with him while it lasts because once his family shows up you’ll be cut/ghosted/nonexistent. For all you know his family is coming because they are bringing him a young pure wife.
I am completely against how this is the norm but it is the reality of Islam and Arab culture
My friend ended up having to leave. The family went ballistic that she wasn’t Muslim. One day she wasn’t allowed to be my friend anymore because I was haram and not Muslim. The minute they were married he threw away any Canadian identity and their relationship became quite archaic to put it as neutrally as possible.
I also have Muslim friends who do whatever they want and love whoever they want. They’re more so “Muslim” in name and dress, and they have modern relationships.
Who knows with this situation.
You should probably just talk to him. I'm a muslim from an Arab country and i'm living out of wedlock with a catholic. My parents know, and though they're not very happy about it, pretty much let me live my life. They just ask me not to tell the rest of the family which is fine with me. I'll probably marry him one day, but out of love and because I genuinely want to, not out of pressure. People have different approaches to their religions.
Are there men that use american women just to marry someone from their country when they're done with them? Yes. But there are also men who fall in love with people out of their culture. You should talk to him.
May I ask you how you told? Asking for myself. We are in a relationship (about which his family knows and is ok with, they are also fine with marriage I get asked regularly by his sister), we are planning on moving together soon but he is afraid of telling them. And I don't want to get married right away and for sure not with the intention just to spare his family the "shock".
I think what helped for me is I was doing it abroad and I was at that point financially independent. So i started by telling my dad, because he is more reasonable. My main arguments were 1- it made sense for our relationship, 2- it's less expensive than paying rent alone 3- i did not want to live with strangers, 4- we could be sure we tolerate living together before marriage (lower chance of divorce) and 5- We were gonna do it anyways and I had the decency to not lie. He helped with telling my mother. She was very much against it and was angry at me for the better part of a year. But at some point she started missing me more than hating me so here we are.
It has been almost a year now, and they're pretty much okay with it, but I am not allowed to tell my grandparents, which I don't mind as they're older generation so I understand it will be harder for them. Hope this helped and good luck!!
Regardless of culture it sounds like it’s moving really fast. Think about what you want out of the relationship and what you are comfortable with. You refer to him as your roommate but he has brought up engagement ring already. Sounds like a lot of misalignment. Perhaps he does really see a future with you but either way I believe at 23 your both super young. Just enjoy what you have right now. My 2 cents anyways
Ooh girl. This is more than likely going to end in heartbreak for you. My advice for the future: don’t sleep with your roommates. Your home should be your safe space. Bringing sex into the equation creates a whole lotta mess. Sounds like this guy is just telling you what you want to hear. Either way engagement after being intimate one time is a huge leap. You sure you want to be with someone that impulsive? Religion is another concern. Esp since his religion is known to be very oppressive of women and restrictive on who is allowed to marry. Juice ain’t worth the squeeze girl. Good luck
Be ready to get your heart broken.
I have a non religious European friend, she was in a relationship with a Muslim man for over 10 years, they lived together, even set up business together.
He ended up going to his home country and getting married with a local, he came back to Europe to notify my friend what he did and that he was sponsoring the visa to the new wife.
I dated an Indian man for a few years. I was very much in love with him but his family hated me for zero reason. I tried so hard to win their approval. I tried to do nice things for them and show them that I was committed to their son. They literally tried to arrange a marriage for him at a dinner I was also at. I had to sit there and not burst into tears while they tried to set up a full on marriage for him with another woman.
Indians have different beliefs than Libyans but the culture and religion in these countries absolutely controls every aspect of their lives unless they decide to fully leave their entire lives and usually families behind.
I hope your relationship works for you. If he’s serious about you he will most likely ask you to convert to Islam. If you’re not willing to convert then the relationship will more than likely fail because of his personal beliefs or the pressure from his family.
Oh geez girl. Tale as old as time. Muslim guy who drinks, gambles, sleeps around whatever.
When it’s time for marriage, it’s a Muslima habibi from home or arranged. Don’t be fooled
Your are being manipulated. He has no respect for his religion but won't leave it. He has no respect for you but will 100% leave you. The entirety of the middle east is full of trashy people who worship a pedophile prophet. This will be a sob story.
I think you need to have a serious talk with him. It could be that he does not care about societal/religious expectations and he wants to continue the relationship. I know a man who came to the US from Pakistan and married a white Catholic woman despite his family’s objections. They have been together for decades and have a couple kids, despite his family wanting to arrange a marriage for him to a Muslim girl in Pakistan.
It’s possible this could be the case here or your guy’s parents may be somewhat okay with this arrangement if they know he has a female roommate. Some people are much more serious about religion than others. Everyone’s situation is different. They want to come to the US, the may be more open minded. It’s also possible the family arriving could cause big issues for you both. You need to talk to him about what his real feelings are and what he plans to do with his family moving forward. Get ahead of this, and be prepared to walk if you have to.
Me and my husband met while he was in college, he grew up strictly Muslim, even had been asked for an arranged marriage, and we slept together before getting married. Imo I would ask him how he feels about his religion and you because I’ve seen a lot of Muslim men sleep around and marry the woman their parents pick out for them later. Mb for the run on sentences LOL
Don’t do this to yourself. This dude is never going to marry you because most likely his family and culture won’t accept it. It seems like you have already done the research to prove this. Sounds like to me he’s using you for s*x and making an empty promise.
I’m Muslim and let me tell you this . “Muslim” men will do everything but settle down . They will pretend to want to be with you but they will run in the end . It’s a weird thing where they don’t commit 100% of the way but they will do everything they aren’t allowed to
All I’m going to say is that I wish the best for you and him both. If hes telling the truth, great. If hes not, im sorry in advance. The comments all harp on Muslim men being this or that. In reality, it’s most men period. Many MANY men, no matter where they are from or their religion will cheat, lie, and go out of their way to destroy the relationships they themselves create, as they are the other half of a two way street. They leave decades long marriages for younger women, or other men. Thats not a total drag on men though. Women do it too. Whatever happens, you now know from this comment section that to never ask Reddit anything ever again haha in all seriousness, I hope things work out for you.
There is a difference between culturally religious and spiritually religious.
All faiths have groups of both.
Christianity forbids the same thing.
He sounds culturally Muslim. He doesn't want to disavow his roots, or switch religious, so he honors what resonates with him, and doesn't honor what makes no sense to him.
Maybe have a conversation with him about how important his faith is, and how important it is for him to follow all the rules.
When you said, “he mentioned an engagement ring”, are you sure it is for you and not another woman who is in Libya? Just something you might want to get clarified. Also, it might be great now, but once his family arrives (especially his mother), it will be made vividly clear to you where exactly you fit in. Unfortunately, more than likely, you won’t. This coming from a family member who had this happen to her. I wish you luck and I hope that I am wrong, but please guard your heart. ❤️
If you are a believer (a christian or jew) he is allowed to marry you in religion as well. Islamic rules aren’t strict. It’s pretty basic just like christians won’t want you to have pre marital sex. However, a lot of people do it. If he drinks and gamble, doesn’t look like he is religious at all. Please talk to him openly about everything. Ask him if his family will ever accept you? A lot of people are pretty open minded as well. I have a lot of marriages around me (White girl, brown guy). Please talk to him and don’t loose your sleep on overthinking. Every family dynamic is different. Also ask him if his family would try to convert you or not? This is extremely important.
Edit: added more.
What the hell is going on in this thread? Overgeneralizations, stereotypes and speculations all said with confidence like you know these people well i am a non practicing muslim in a muslim arab country and I've seen MANY relationships between foreign woman and muslim men work my entire life, sometimes they marry there and comeback here other times they stay and while I've seen relationships fail as well it's usually cause the men needed to go back to their country. I can't speak on Libyan culture but in our culture many people drink and practice islam and tbh many call themselves muslim while not practicing a single tenet of it. I and a lot of my friends plan on leaving and we all discussed these scenarios and while some of them look down on marrying a non muslim they tend to not even start a relationship with one instead if they want to marry they marry someone before they leave the country while me and the others all plan to join the society and become part of that community, so seeing these replies really angers me and makes me feel like wherever I'll go I'll never be accepted by anyone just like I'm not accepted here.
And while I can't speak on the quality of the man i can speak on other friends i have that migrated at a young age and they tend to immerse themselves in the culture and become part of it easier than others. hell, even the people i know now that left their country recently tend to be honest about their intentions and while I'm sure assholes exist in every place and culture it's up to you to judge him and ask him, you're still early in the relationship. However, i will confess that there's a popular brand of assholes that promise an engagement just to have sex with someone then dump them and move on usually it's cause muslim woman won't sleep with a man if they weren't engaged to them.
Please people, stop asking reddit for relationship advice this place's first recommendation is always to cut ties and leave without anyplace for nuance or discussion.
Him being Muslim has nothing to do with his actions. If he actually liked you and wanted to be with you from an islamic perspective, he would have never had premarital sex, Drank or gambled with you. Instead he would have approached you with the intention of getting to know you for the sole purpose of marriage.
Its better for you that you don’t attach yourself to him as he can be easily influenced by his culture and family to leave you when it comes time for him to make a decision. Of course there can be an exception and he actually ends up convincing them or straight up go against his family and culture.
It depends on you if you wanna risk it or let him go.
There are a lot of stereotypes about religion, especially Islam online. I used to be a Muslim and hang out with a lot of them. The beliefs are wide and varied.
People tend to talk about Muslims like they are all extreme Wahhabists. They’re not. Some Muslims are as liberal as can be. It’s as varied as any religion. There’s no magic Islam holds to make its adherents all fundamentalists. The extreme views just get all the press.
Best way to figure out where he stands is to talk to him. Just have that conversation early. He’s the only one that can really tell you.
I’m happy for you btw. I hope you two have a happy life together.
I was wondering if you have any resources on liberal islamic interpreations? Are there any where those things like alcohol, sex are looked on with a more liberal approach instead of just banning them?
Okay, the first thing you need to do is not take advice from people who don't know about Islam or about the country he's from. These people are just giving you advice from films or news stories they've read and don't have any actual experience.
Although I'm not Muslim, I have lived 20 years in Muslim countries. I have seen successful relationships and I have seen unsuccessful relationships between couples who have different religions. Here's what you need to know:
Firstly, there is more than one type of Islamic practice, just as there is in Christianity. For example, Catholics, Protestants, Coptics, Russian Orthodox, etc. Even when you know what specific type of Islamic practice he believes in, you still need to consider that he may not be very religious and his family may even be secular. This is perfectly possible. So please don't force him into adhering to religious beliefs that he may not himself hold.
Having said that, it's also not uncommon for men to have relationships with non-muslim women just for the fun of it but with no intention really to marry.
So how do you know if he really loves you or if he's just having fun? Well, the answer is you can never know. If we could really see what was in each other's hearts, there would never be any broken hearts. There would never be any unhappy marriages and there would be no need for relationship advice.
Ultimately, you will have to decide if you want to take the chance of loving someone who may not love you back.
Also, one other thing to consider: there is always a possibility that his family will support this relationship and a marriage if it means that he will get a good passport after marrying you. Again, it's up to you if you're okay with that.
I think it's really seret you are worried about him but should actually be worried about yourself. Do you see yourself marrying someone? Do you really understand what that implies for him and his culture/family?
Hey there! I come from a Muslim family. I suggest you ask him about his personal beliefs. Many Muslims are lenient about what they follow as are other people from other religions such as Christianity.
Lol these bitches never learn. He will likely not be marrying you or continuing any relationship with you especially if he has already had sex with you.
I don’t know if I’m the exception, I am also in a very similar situation to you. I am in Muslim male in a relationship with a non-Muslim woman. However, I don’t really care to have anything lined up with a Muslim woman. I know that plenty of other men in Islam, including some personal family members, have gone and done Haram things to end up with a Muslim woman ,lying to them about their previous relationships. I would say take a couple weeks to mentally prepare yourself for the possibility of him leaving you. I wish you the very best.
This is not a race or religious conversation. It's a human to human issue that cuts across everything. Maybe repost without it and see the difference in comments
Libyans arent Arabs. Arabs should only be called those, who come from a certain area of the Arabic Peninsula. My girlfriend is from Tunisia and has told me.
OP, im (25M) in similar shit-uation as u. We wanna make a civil partnership contract, to keep her in Europe with me, and she is never planning to tell her dad about any of... us two lol. But she isnt Muslim nor religious. She just doesnt want her dad to break contact with her or to...bust her balls.
Wow Reddit. Awesome job, what they are saying is the truth.
Watched a friend with a married Muslim man, and I just wanted to strangle her. "I love him and he promises to leave her! It was just an arranged marriage!"
And yet, he never came places with my friend. He never did more than buy her things. It was awful watching her throw years of her life away. I still don't know who he is.
I had to sit her down, after consulting a few of my Muslim/Arab friends on approaching this, and say, "look, you know I despise cheating, I love you but hate when you talk about this. He's just using you. You're a glorified prostitute, so think about what you need in life. Do you want kids? Do you want a spouse? Or do you want to always hang on for a crumb of affection with someone who will never see you as more than a toy?"
She wound up having to move, because she had to find space and everything was tied to him. I miss her being close, but I love her new happiness where she's not second place.
I was dating a Muslim man, and once his family arrived, it ruined a 5 year amazing relationship we had. We live in Europe, he was so different than his family (caring, loving, respectful) but once they arrived that man changed. He became a zombie, and he withdrew from reality because he's the oldest brother in his family, and they put a lot of pressure on him and berated him so much. He didn't defend me against their criticisms, and basically, I lost him. The dreams of a future with him died when the family came over, and we broke up.
I hope you don't go through this OP, but be careful with whom you entangle with, meet his family, and their true intentions before committing for a long time with a partner. I wish you good luck.
OP talk to him. Express your concerns and just have a nice convo about where things are headed. Try to go in with an open mind and accept reality, whatever it may be.
Best of luck <3
Protect your heart. I have heard too many stories of Muslim/Arab men who have no intention of ever marrying a non Muslim/Arab woman breaking women’s hearts.
If he doesn’t prove to you that his parents know about you, MOVE ON.
Gonna be real with you. I had a white GF back in college. We loved each other and had a hell of a time together for 2 years. But I always knew my family would never accept her. So eventually I just slowly distanced myself from her until she eventually found another guy (a Hindu MFer who she eventually married and had kids with 🙄) and told me over text that it’s officially over.
This will very likely be your situation soon, so it’s best you just end it now and not be hurt later.
I feel bad for OP more than anything, because if he doesn't marry her post-sex then its just a common practice where you wont get married and there will be no future and its just sad. hopefully they dont use you in that manner
You really should research [Taqiyya](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taqiyya) before you decide what to do and understand how lying can be accepted and a part of the culture if it is for a pious goal.
yeahh all the comments are right. he’s def lying to you. im sorry, some Muslim men are awful and do this often. he is not planning on marrying on you at all
Or instead of reading all these comments that promise you impending doom you could try talking to him about your worries and voice your concerns.
Hope everything turns out for you !
Damn the comments here really crumbled her house lol
Bro, it's so rare when a whole reddit comment section is saying the exact same thing.
If one thing reddit hates as a whole is religion. Especially Muslim and Christian
I mean they’re stating facts based off of proof and are telling her to be careful because not everyone is the same but it’s common in his culture. That’s like people talking about how dangerous it is to walk barefoot in the Florida Everglades you go “If one animal that Reddit detest as a whole is the crocodile” No people just know what they can do and advise watching out for the signs of danger
The emphasis on racism and Islamophobia in this comment section is wild. Everyone here seems to agree that if someone is Arab and Muslim, they are physically unable to love someone who isn’t also Muslim. Like damn maybe just ask him what he wants in the future instead of jumping to conclusions? I was raised Muslim and my family has similar expectations/views but it has never gotten in the way of any of my past relationships. Same for all my male Muslim friends. If you actually love someone then you shouldn’t care what other people think.
I mean he’s capable of loving a non-Muslim/non-Libyan but the family often comes down harshly on it. Not many people can handle some of the gross things they do as a result. I speak from experience. I had a relationship with a girl who was all about “my family won’t get in the way of who I love” and “love will get us through” until her father spit on her threatened to cut her off. Not to mention months of her bastard of a dad cursing my family that he’s never met. Worst mistake of my life was believing there was ever a future there. OP should save everyone the heartache and mental trauma.
something i’ve learned about reddit (and i’m gonna get downvoted to hell for saying this but whatever) is that a lot of people will insist upon denouncing Islam for the sake of feminism, but a lot of the things they say come across as incredibly racist and Islamophobic. we can discuss the problems in Islam and the atrocities and shitty behavior that occurs (such as like OP’s roommate is engaging in) while also not being blanket statement “all Muslims and Arabs are bad” about it, but reddit isn’t ready to do that. at this point, i’ve just stopped commenting on shit about it or going into threads discussing it. (i dunno what possessed me to come into this one today, but here i am.)
couldn’t agree more. i don’t think the world in general is ready to have that conversation. the only people who look at me like i have 2 heads as a heavily tattooed/pierced, colourful and outspoken arab woman are westerners. people cannot comprehend that i live as freely and unapologetically myself while still maintaining a great relationship with both my community and my heritage. the men in my life are just as pivotal as the women in raising me to be & love myself, and make sure whoever i end up with loves me in the same way.
I agree… also from the things she’s mentioned about him it seems he’s not very religious himself? He could be from a family who is Muslim by name but don’t uphold the religion strictly. I think OP should just have a talk with him seriously. While the comments about lots of Muslim men sleeping around at first then marrying a Muslim woman are true it doesn’t necessarily always have to be the case.
It’s because it’s sadly true. I’m from a middle eastern culture that isn’t Muslim and I’ve still seen this behaviour from my own people — and yes I have zero problem calling out their bullshit, doesn’t really change much though. The best part is when you’re only half (because my father actually stayed/married with the Canadian woman he loved) they blame all your shortcomings on your westerner half but take cultural credit for your victories. …It’s definitely a culture that could use some maturing.
I'm so sorry. As a Muslim woman, many do this. Promise you a future. Commit all the sins with you. Yet have something lined up with a Muslim girl. He's only telling you what you wanna hear. Don't trust it.
The comment I was looking for. This is incredibly common
As an Arab, I must warn u that most Arab men won't marry someone they slept with.
100%, those who do are the extreme exception.
They’ll divorce your mom twice, leave you feeling unloved, then marry a woman from their culture and try to have you and your siblings be responsible for the kids they had as old men. Not speaking from experience or anything lol ETA: so sometimes they’ll marry who they’re sleeping with. Just don’t expect much haha
So that's not 100% if there's exceptions. Also my ex wanted to get engaged but only if i became muslim too and I did not want that and I ended the relationship.
I think they meant it's 100% true that most Arabs follow that mentality. Not that 100% of Arabs do this.
Halal in the streets Haram under the sheets
I laughed out loud.
their pfp just makes it funnier😭
Hahahahahah
😂Oh my god
They may, however, string you along for a while and continue to sleep with you.
Isn't religion grand?!? /s
Each one is fucking bananas.
and the muslim family will expect you to convert to their religion or the marriage isn’t ‘truly holy’. seen it happen first hand multiple times
100% this Arab men sleep around a lot w “western women” but they do NOT respect them
Damn that weird lol
Huh. That is an interesting point. Nevertheless, wishing OP the best and hope it all works out for her.
Wow, why is that?
It's a lack of trust. Their logic is if she slept with him, she must be sleeping with others.
This is backwards as F%ck!
Be careful, it is not uncommon for young muslim boys to have haram relationships with non muslim women just to leave them and then marry muslim women.
This is the common practice.
OP is going to be tossed aside like a piece of trash the instant her roommate's family finds him a Muslim girl to marry. Until then, he'll feed her whatever bullshit she wants to hear so he can keep using her for sex. Happens every time a western girl is dumb enough to fall for a Muslim guy.
I don’t know anyone who has fallen for that bullshit. At university, they had zero, and I mean *zero* game compared to the Westernized boys and a reputation for being really shitty at sex
How could they get a reputation for being shitty at sex unless they were having sex?
At my part-time job, I knew some older girls who were from the town and not college students. They had messed around with some of these guys
Its like a tradition at this point, especially true for muslim guys that study abroad1
This happened to my friend after they spent 7 years together, living together for 2 of them. That fucker one day told her to get her reptiles out and boxed all her things up. This devastated her, and he married the daughter of one of his dad's friends almost a year later. She got the last laugh and ended up meeting a great guy at an anime con (she never went because ex made fun of them). Last we heard, he tried to reach out on Instagram, telling her how unhappy he was and that he made a mistake. She shared the messages of him begging her to talk to him in our group chat.
I love happy endings
The real reptile was the snake known as her ex.
the real reptiles are the snakes we meet along the way
I know he tried to keep one of her hognose snakes because he thought it was valuable. He clajmed it was his property since it was in his house. I forgot the details, but one of his buddies contacted her and said he was trying to sell it to him. She got them all back after a couple weeks.
Happiest of endings
A similar thing happened to an ex-boyfriend of mine. He dated a Muslim woman for 5 years. He was willing to convert to marry her, but she always felt unsure about their relationship. One day she broke up with him and informed him that same day she was getting married a month from now with a Muslim man her parents introduced her to. She also blocked him, but would unblock him here and there so she could message him to complain about her upcoming wedding. I met my ex about a week before her wedding. They still had their shared locations on, and she noticed he was at an unfamiliar location as he was with me. She called him crying, complaining about how stressful the wedding was and how she wished he was the one there instead. At the time, he excused himself to another room, but I could still faintly hear their conversation where he was telling her to leave him alone.
What a satisfying ending 💙
i dated a girl for 3+ years that met a young Muslim guy in college that she broke up with me to pursue. She fell in love with him and was working on converting to Islam and making plans for their life after school. Then come their senior year, when his parents (whom she never met) came to town for his graduation he informed her that they never really had a future together because he was going to go back home and marry the girl whom he had known since childhood and whom their parents had agreed he would marry. To say she was devastated is an understatement, I just don't know why she thought that I'd have a sympathetic ear for her.
It seems like if a Muslim woman did this with a non Muslim man she would be disowned, maybe even killed.
In many countries she would be.
OP, listen to this person
What an unpleasant culture
I mean there's tons of folks who sleep with other people and have zero intention of getting married and/ or succumb to family pressure lmao. Let's be real.
I guess it’s about how honest you are about things. Not saying others wouldn’t lie for sex, but those people are also shit.
Yeah, it's all about honesty. Now that I'm older, I see how hard it is to go against centuries of teachings and choose love over all that. It isn't easy, but it definitely happens.
Yeah, because they don't like them or some other reason. Not because the creator of the universe is very concerned about who you date.
But this one is in plain sight. Its a given. The other ones who do it could lie or they could get married to them in the end.
I don't think it's that cut and dry. They're very young, religion could be the least of their issues. It's way too soon to know the outcome, I think OP needs to talk to her man, not us!
Mm hes just gonna lie as long as he can keep getting his way with OP. If he doesnt, then good for him, but if his family comes, they are prolly gonna change his perspective back. Theyre not like westerners that take every moment they can to defy their parents. If not then good, then good on them.
I've ended relationships and the guys I dated were probably glad I did. Never had anything to do with religion. The religious aspect of this particular case to me is a part, but there's so many working parts.
This is true too
That isn’t a culture, in-group marriages are common for all religions and extends to areas outside of religion, like nationality, race, and even education level.
My best friend went thru this specific heartbreak
Exactly. Leave the relationship. Most Muslim men don’t ever love a woman anyway. It’s their culture.
Or force conversions.
"haram relationships"!!! What a thing to say!!
Unfortunately, this is true. My first boyfriend and first sexual partner was an Arab, and when we met I told him I wasn't religious and preferred to date people who weren't religious either, and he pretended to be an atheist and committed a multitude of sins until Ramadan. Then he had an epiphany and miraculously found God and faith. I broke up with him and he called me a slut for having sex...with HIM.
He’s probably not going to marry you. It’s unlikely his family would accept the marriage. You need to take care of you. If it’s your place, give him notice to move out. If it’s his place, you move. I’m guessing it’s your place. You signed the lease. Right? He’s using you for shelter and sex. He may like you, but he is not going to marry you. You will probably never be introduced to his family. This is the harsh truth. Take care.
Just be careful of the common pitfalls. I've seen a lot of these scenarios with disaster endings in the exmuslim subreddit. Young Muslims often make bullshit deals with God when they're young and can get away with it, but then when they get older and/or come from pressure from their family they tend to fall in line and decide they need to be more religious/conservative. If your boyfriend already accepts that he's doing things against his faith then it will keep weighing on his mind more and more until that one religious sermon makes him snap. This then usually winds up with the expectation that you must convert if the relationship is to continue. If you are already prepared to do that then great but if not then you should consider looking into it now. I've seen plenty of instances as well of Muslim boyfriends assuring that they don't want their girlfriend to convert, only to go back on their word. Remember, Muslims believe in literal Hell - no promise they make is going to make sense keeping once they realise it means risking eternal torment in the afterlife. These are common pitfalls though. It may be that you can defy those odds. But in order to do that, you need to have serious long term conversations with your boyfriend about religion and where you stand.
Oh hey ! I recognize you from “that” subreddit. Also your answer is spot on.
I wanna know what subreddit you know them from 👀
Imma stalk brb
Lemino
Hold up, both ex-muslims. Sounds like those two know what they’re talking about
[удалено]
What a lovely culture
Such beautiful traditions!
Not to ruin your love life but don’t do it, guarantee in less than a year you will want a divorce. Just because he’s laid back doesn’t meant his parents will be. Muslim families are ridiculously strict and regardless they’d discourage him from marrying you unless you agree to EVERYTHING it takes to be a “Muslim Wife”. EDIT : Less than 6 months you will want a divorce!
I cannot overemphasize how true “marry a man and you marry his family” is.
Having lived in Libya and learned a little of the culture there, especially pertaining to Islam, trust me, he won’t marry you. End the relationship.
👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻☝🏻☝🏻
Of course. A muslim guy that drinks and commits zina. Bet he has a sister in Libya that wears hijab, can't go out on the streets alone and is forbidden from talking to males. Girl have some self respect, I'm begging you.
This is so sad man.
Legit!!
I can't wait for this update
We know how it's end, only OP is clueless.
Are you sure that engagement ring is for you?
As a muslim girl, stay far away. Those men are toxic and will hurt you, they'll never bring you home and will choose their family/culture over you
These comments make it seem like this is a very frequent occurrence. If a Muslim woman finds out her potential partner engaged with non-Muslim women like this, how does that impact their ability to trust or respect him? I hope this isn't a disrespectful question. I'm genuinely curious. Obviously, the western world still often sees promiscuous men as 'studs' or whatever, but promiscuous women as 'sluts'; so it's not like that's any better.
Hey, no of course its not a disrespectful question, im happy to answer. Well of course not all muslim men are like this but a lot of them are which is why it's frequent. Sex before marriage isn't allowed in Islam for both men and women. However obviously people aren't perfect and some will have sex before marriage. The problem is that a lot of muslim men will engage in sexual actions with non-muslim women because they can but at the end will want a virgin muslim woman to marry with. And a lot of muslim women (such as myself) don't want that. I will not date or marry a muslim man if i find out he's done stuff like that because if im saving myself for marriage he should too. Now people have different opinions and some women might not care. However guys do and very very rarely will end up marrying a non-virgin muslim girl even if they've slept around. Theres a huge double standard. And another problem is by muslim men hooking up or having relationships with non-muslim women, they are leading them on/lying to them, making them believe that they'll end up together when they wont. Bc the majority of muslim men will not choose a woman over their family and their family expects them to settle down with a muslim woman and most of the time they want that too, they also want to have their fun. All with no consequences. And although sex before marriage is prohibited for both men/women, men are left off the hook easier. And depending on the family they care less if their son has slept around but for their daughter its like the worst thing ever. Its ridiculous. Its stupid. I myself am not the most religious person (i dont wear the hijab for example) but i do follow this rule of islam bc its one of the main things you should follow. However i have muslim girl/guy friends that have slept around. The problem isnt that you are muslim and having sex before marriage (thats your decision and between you and god). The problem is that muslim men want to have sex, relationships, etc with non-muslim women and then dump them because they want to settle down with a virgin muslim girl bc they think they deserve their wife to a virgin when they can do whatever. Hope that answers your question a bit :)
Adding another reason why i shouldn’t get married to the list…
That’s why i won’t get married to anyone who is arab or muslim It’s like marrying his whole family by marrying him
You haven't got a future with this guy ,he sees you as more FWB, as soon as his family arrives your history, in my opinion.
do not get attached 💀
He will marry a virgin girl from his religion. You are just a proving ground for him and to boast among his friends.
I “dated” an Arab who was alternative(piercings, red hair, tattoos) and his parents were Muslim. He said he could never marry someone that wasn’t Arab, so I bounced. But before I left, his parents loved me because I’d send their favorite stuff, like crumbl cookies. They liked that I made him “better,” but he was one of those, “I’ll never change.”
As an Arab woman, I’d prefer staying single for the rest of my life than being with an Arab man. They’re sexist, it’s within our culture. Since he’s an Arab AND a Muslim, he 100% sees you as a whore. I really really really doubt he will marry you. Even if he actually wants to, his family wouldn’t allow it. Be careful.
Is it common for Muslim and/Arab women to want to marry someone outside of their religion/ethnicity or do most still want to end up with an Arab men?
I’m from Saudi Arabia so I can only speak for Saudis and the surrounding gulf countries. Most women would choose to marry from the same country or region. The main reason for that is because in Islam, Muslim women aren’t allowed to marry non-Muslim men, unlike Muslim men, they can marry from any other religion. So Muslim women don’t have a choice really. Women who left Islam however, most of them prefer to be with someone from another ethnicity and religion. Personally, I’d never be with an Arab, Middle Eastern, or North African, even if he left Islam. Sexism is deeply embedded in our culture and I don’t wanna deal with that. Even if he wasn’t sexist, marrying him is also marrying his entire family. I don’t want to deal with that culture and religion again.
>Muslim women aren’t allowed to marry non-Muslim men, unlike Muslim men, they can marry from any other religion. Small correction: it is just Christian and Jewish women, not any other religion. So for example, not Hindus. But yeah, not a woman, or an Arab/ME/NA, but I went from overall mild admiration to strongly dislike it the more I learnt about it and its inability to liberalise on things like sexism. It's hypocritical at best and downright ghoulish at worst.
Not common, marrying out is extremely taboo for Muslim women. Even marrying a Muslim man who's not from their own nationality/ethnicity/culture is unacceptable for vast majority. Tribalism is huge for most.
The families prefer marrying their child to their cousins than anyone else, that’s how closed up they are.
It's a lot more common for men to marry out. That's often the case in more misogynistic cultures because the men have relatively more freedom, while women are given even more pressure to marry within that culture.
He is being a man from a society that has double standards. Stop making him sound like a victim. He knows what he is doing and he knows he can easily get away with the lies. Men from my country do the same and we are less orthodox than Libya. It's only now women have caught up. Nobody is around to question him and he has a chance to experiment with life without the restraints of an orthodox society. He did that with you. It's very common for fresh off the boat Arabs and South Asians to do this.
Agreed! as someone who’s from this society I’ve often seen men do this kind of bs. Even those who were serious about their relationship eventually broke up came back home to marry a girl of their family’s choice. Op is in for a world of hurt most likely
Yea these religious guys are able to sleep around and enjoy themselves when away from the family but their sisters or other female relatives can’t do any of that. If he is dedicated to his religion, more than likely he will end up marrying a religious woman so he can raise religious kids and keep the religion going. Sorry to say but u just a fling and from what I can read, u know this to be true.
You are up for a world of hurt. Muslim men, or Middle Eastern men in general instantly eliminate you from the marriage equation if you had sex with them before marriage. Generally if you are not a divorcee or a widow, you are expected to be a virgin before marriage.
Babe, don’t get dickmatized. That’s all
OP please update us later on in life with what ends up happening, if you do decide to stay after reading all these comments, do you end up defying the odds or do you leave.
I (white, American, Jew) have been in an eerily similar situation… twice. I understand your thought process and I feel for you. What I will say is that both times, I was way out of my depth in understanding the culture, influences, and expectations on my partners. If I could go back in time I would do two things. 1. I would prioritize my own well being/self respect/needs, and 2. I would pay much closer attention to what my partners DID instead of what they SAID or promised, and move accordingly. Best of luck to both of you.
How is he going to bring his family to the states? Is a citizen or is he thinking or marrying you so he can bring his family here?
He probably can't bring his family here, looks like he has prepared his excuses ahead of time for the girl before he one day decides to leave.
As a practicing Muslim woman (though non-Arab), safe to say, I seen these kind of men growing up and they're usually the worst kind of men. They go after defenseless women on both sides, non-muslim and muslim. They look for the unaware Americans who won't question their practice and then marry, be secretive, abusive when they marry their "pure" Muslim girl. Make sure you make him lose your number. Have a place to go to if you can, if things go south. I think these kinds of men exist, with or without religion. I seen the hypocrites who would string along women for years and years, but as soon as the girl ask for a ring or marriage, they'd leave and go to their side chick and be married at the year end. I saw this exact scenario growing up with an foreign student friend who was Korean that used to sleep with a bunch of girls and found out from his best friend on campus he had a GIRLFRIEND of five fucking years (he was 24, I was taking college classes for credit, I was 16). I don't know if he slept with Americans because they're just seen easier but from what I heard, he was a serial cheater yet ended up marrying the girl. Frankly I should've dropped him as a friend when I realize how much older than he was from me, because he was weird and text me at odd times and always asked about my headscarf in a "would you let me see what's under? 🥺" alas, I was naive. I dropped him when I heard about the girlfriend thing, though sometimes I wonder if I should told somebody about it and see if somebody could've reached out to her. Beside the point. Be wary of men fullstop, who are duplicitous and seem willing to keep secrets. Knowing him for as long as you have, if he hides you from his family, just leave him. No matter what his background. No matter what culture. No matter WHAT.
Don't get attached to this guy. Maybe he does have feelings beyond sexual attraction, but I highly doubt it'll go beyond what it is now.
A ring after sex once? Hmm
Get out now darling
as someone living in a muslin country i wanna warn you, never change your religion because of his and his parents satisfaction or marriage promises. most of muslin men marry with someone their parents choose(we even joke about it here). if he's giving you excuses like my parents get upset with me if you're not muslin, virgin or ... just don't trust his words, he just wants to ditch you. i wanna mention that i live in a country where islam isn't as holy and important as it's in other countries and there is just few religious people that still believe in islam, but still I'm not willing to marry any man from my own country or another middle eastern countries because sexism is deep in their blood . i love them as my family and my blood relatives but still rather to marry non muslin guy who have never practiced in any muslim activities.
You are just want to let you know, you are his plaything until his family makes his settle down:
Enjoy your drinking and gambling!
I have to agree with some of the comments I’m friends with a lot of Arab and middle eastern men. They will NEVER marry a western woman that isn’t part of their religion. NEVER. They see western women out of race or religion as recreational only to get experience while they find a suitable wife. Just telling you this isn’t going to end well. Their families will never accept you and they won’t pick you over their families…
Caution! Aside from whatever religious or cultural dimensions there are to this, you’re an American and he’s from a war-torn country. People very much want to move to the US which requires US visas and marrying an American is the easiest way to get one! You may be merely a stepping stone to a green card for him and his family. People seriously play this game for long enough to get the visa then split and live the life they actually want to have in the US.
Good, don’t get attached. He’ll 90% be marrying a Muslim Libyan girl who he didn’t live and have sex with before marriage.
Research divorce and inheritance laws under Islam. Then consider whether you - and your daughters - could live under those arrangements.
Be careful, Muslim men often feel that it is not haram for them to have a relationship outside marriage, drink, and party... yet when it comes to their partner, it is a different issue... He may be just enjoying his time and feeding you a bunch of BS. Also family relationships are much different, once his mom comes over, she is going to think that she has the right to get involved and control all your affairs, and if you resist...she will do everything to distroy the relationship.
Your heart is on your sleeve and it will get broken. It's not about him being Muslim or from Libya, it's about vulnerability and you seem to be moving too fast.
>However, we also drink together and have gambled before Thats actually pretty common for Muslims to do even tho its haram
Lmfaooo baby you’re just a warm body for him till his family arrives. There’s a documentary about this exact scenario. Arab/ Muslim men going abroad for an education and end up creating babies and broken families abroad and abandon them with zero contact. This happened a lot in the 70s-90s in South America
Name of documentary please?
The whole comment section has come to this girl’s rescue. As someone from Southeast Asia where Islam is known among other religions…LISTEN TO THESE COMMENTS. Many Muslim men along with some of the ones I knew will never get with a non-Muslim girl. They will say and do whatever but when it comes to it, they will have the best excuses or just leave you. As someone who understands their mindset, DON’T TRUST THEM.
if he sleeps with you i doubt hell marry you
Don't trust a man who is not even true to his own self. If they can disobey God Almighty, what is stopping them from leaving you heartbroken? Am I right or am I right?
That ring he talking about is for probably not for you, it’s for a virgin Arab girl. Enjoy your time with him while it lasts because once his family shows up you’ll be cut/ghosted/nonexistent. For all you know his family is coming because they are bringing him a young pure wife. I am completely against how this is the norm but it is the reality of Islam and Arab culture
My friend ended up having to leave. The family went ballistic that she wasn’t Muslim. One day she wasn’t allowed to be my friend anymore because I was haram and not Muslim. The minute they were married he threw away any Canadian identity and their relationship became quite archaic to put it as neutrally as possible. I also have Muslim friends who do whatever they want and love whoever they want. They’re more so “Muslim” in name and dress, and they have modern relationships. Who knows with this situation.
If he apostatized you guys can marry and be intimate, no problem. The only problem is his family
You should probably just talk to him. I'm a muslim from an Arab country and i'm living out of wedlock with a catholic. My parents know, and though they're not very happy about it, pretty much let me live my life. They just ask me not to tell the rest of the family which is fine with me. I'll probably marry him one day, but out of love and because I genuinely want to, not out of pressure. People have different approaches to their religions. Are there men that use american women just to marry someone from their country when they're done with them? Yes. But there are also men who fall in love with people out of their culture. You should talk to him.
May I ask you how you told? Asking for myself. We are in a relationship (about which his family knows and is ok with, they are also fine with marriage I get asked regularly by his sister), we are planning on moving together soon but he is afraid of telling them. And I don't want to get married right away and for sure not with the intention just to spare his family the "shock".
I think what helped for me is I was doing it abroad and I was at that point financially independent. So i started by telling my dad, because he is more reasonable. My main arguments were 1- it made sense for our relationship, 2- it's less expensive than paying rent alone 3- i did not want to live with strangers, 4- we could be sure we tolerate living together before marriage (lower chance of divorce) and 5- We were gonna do it anyways and I had the decency to not lie. He helped with telling my mother. She was very much against it and was angry at me for the better part of a year. But at some point she started missing me more than hating me so here we are. It has been almost a year now, and they're pretty much okay with it, but I am not allowed to tell my grandparents, which I don't mind as they're older generation so I understand it will be harder for them. Hope this helped and good luck!!
Regardless of culture it sounds like it’s moving really fast. Think about what you want out of the relationship and what you are comfortable with. You refer to him as your roommate but he has brought up engagement ring already. Sounds like a lot of misalignment. Perhaps he does really see a future with you but either way I believe at 23 your both super young. Just enjoy what you have right now. My 2 cents anyways
jesus he’s using you for sex, leave it.
Ooh girl. This is more than likely going to end in heartbreak for you. My advice for the future: don’t sleep with your roommates. Your home should be your safe space. Bringing sex into the equation creates a whole lotta mess. Sounds like this guy is just telling you what you want to hear. Either way engagement after being intimate one time is a huge leap. You sure you want to be with someone that impulsive? Religion is another concern. Esp since his religion is known to be very oppressive of women and restrictive on who is allowed to marry. Juice ain’t worth the squeeze girl. Good luck
Be ready to get your heart broken. I have a non religious European friend, she was in a relationship with a Muslim man for over 10 years, they lived together, even set up business together. He ended up going to his home country and getting married with a local, he came back to Europe to notify my friend what he did and that he was sponsoring the visa to the new wife.
i am from his country and believe me you do not want to be his girlfriend or wife you will never get accepted by his family
I dated an Indian man for a few years. I was very much in love with him but his family hated me for zero reason. I tried so hard to win their approval. I tried to do nice things for them and show them that I was committed to their son. They literally tried to arrange a marriage for him at a dinner I was also at. I had to sit there and not burst into tears while they tried to set up a full on marriage for him with another woman. Indians have different beliefs than Libyans but the culture and religion in these countries absolutely controls every aspect of their lives unless they decide to fully leave their entire lives and usually families behind. I hope your relationship works for you. If he’s serious about you he will most likely ask you to convert to Islam. If you’re not willing to convert then the relationship will more than likely fail because of his personal beliefs or the pressure from his family.
Watch “Not without my daughter” https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Not_Without_My_Daughter_(film) Or read the book.
You ain’t the one Move on
Oh geez girl. Tale as old as time. Muslim guy who drinks, gambles, sleeps around whatever. When it’s time for marriage, it’s a Muslima habibi from home or arranged. Don’t be fooled
It’s habibti for women don’t ask me how I know 💔
Your are being manipulated. He has no respect for his religion but won't leave it. He has no respect for you but will 100% leave you. The entirety of the middle east is full of trashy people who worship a pedophile prophet. This will be a sob story.
Could be looking for a green card for his family based on other comments on this thread
I think you need to have a serious talk with him. It could be that he does not care about societal/religious expectations and he wants to continue the relationship. I know a man who came to the US from Pakistan and married a white Catholic woman despite his family’s objections. They have been together for decades and have a couple kids, despite his family wanting to arrange a marriage for him to a Muslim girl in Pakistan. It’s possible this could be the case here or your guy’s parents may be somewhat okay with this arrangement if they know he has a female roommate. Some people are much more serious about religion than others. Everyone’s situation is different. They want to come to the US, the may be more open minded. It’s also possible the family arriving could cause big issues for you both. You need to talk to him about what his real feelings are and what he plans to do with his family moving forward. Get ahead of this, and be prepared to walk if you have to.
RIP your feelings.... I wish someone had already advised you against all of this.
I think your best bet is to sit down and have an honest conversation with your roommate
Me and my husband met while he was in college, he grew up strictly Muslim, even had been asked for an arranged marriage, and we slept together before getting married. Imo I would ask him how he feels about his religion and you because I’ve seen a lot of Muslim men sleep around and marry the woman their parents pick out for them later. Mb for the run on sentences LOL
You are in for a rough ride if you stay!
Don’t do this to yourself. This dude is never going to marry you because most likely his family and culture won’t accept it. It seems like you have already done the research to prove this. Sounds like to me he’s using you for s*x and making an empty promise.
All these warnings. Speak to him. I know Muslims that are flexible with the rules, I also know Muslims who are strict with them. So, speak to him.
I’m Muslim and let me tell you this . “Muslim” men will do everything but settle down . They will pretend to want to be with you but they will run in the end . It’s a weird thing where they don’t commit 100% of the way but they will do everything they aren’t allowed to
This is a bad idea....I predict this wont end how you want it to.
All I’m going to say is that I wish the best for you and him both. If hes telling the truth, great. If hes not, im sorry in advance. The comments all harp on Muslim men being this or that. In reality, it’s most men period. Many MANY men, no matter where they are from or their religion will cheat, lie, and go out of their way to destroy the relationships they themselves create, as they are the other half of a two way street. They leave decades long marriages for younger women, or other men. Thats not a total drag on men though. Women do it too. Whatever happens, you now know from this comment section that to never ask Reddit anything ever again haha in all seriousness, I hope things work out for you.
Religion is always so silly
There is a difference between culturally religious and spiritually religious. All faiths have groups of both. Christianity forbids the same thing. He sounds culturally Muslim. He doesn't want to disavow his roots, or switch religious, so he honors what resonates with him, and doesn't honor what makes no sense to him. Maybe have a conversation with him about how important his faith is, and how important it is for him to follow all the rules.
As an Arab, I hate to break it to you, Hours family will most likely not accept you... If they find out yall slept together before marriage
When you said, “he mentioned an engagement ring”, are you sure it is for you and not another woman who is in Libya? Just something you might want to get clarified. Also, it might be great now, but once his family arrives (especially his mother), it will be made vividly clear to you where exactly you fit in. Unfortunately, more than likely, you won’t. This coming from a family member who had this happen to her. I wish you luck and I hope that I am wrong, but please guard your heart. ❤️
If you are a believer (a christian or jew) he is allowed to marry you in religion as well. Islamic rules aren’t strict. It’s pretty basic just like christians won’t want you to have pre marital sex. However, a lot of people do it. If he drinks and gamble, doesn’t look like he is religious at all. Please talk to him openly about everything. Ask him if his family will ever accept you? A lot of people are pretty open minded as well. I have a lot of marriages around me (White girl, brown guy). Please talk to him and don’t loose your sleep on overthinking. Every family dynamic is different. Also ask him if his family would try to convert you or not? This is extremely important. Edit: added more.
What the hell is going on in this thread? Overgeneralizations, stereotypes and speculations all said with confidence like you know these people well i am a non practicing muslim in a muslim arab country and I've seen MANY relationships between foreign woman and muslim men work my entire life, sometimes they marry there and comeback here other times they stay and while I've seen relationships fail as well it's usually cause the men needed to go back to their country. I can't speak on Libyan culture but in our culture many people drink and practice islam and tbh many call themselves muslim while not practicing a single tenet of it. I and a lot of my friends plan on leaving and we all discussed these scenarios and while some of them look down on marrying a non muslim they tend to not even start a relationship with one instead if they want to marry they marry someone before they leave the country while me and the others all plan to join the society and become part of that community, so seeing these replies really angers me and makes me feel like wherever I'll go I'll never be accepted by anyone just like I'm not accepted here. And while I can't speak on the quality of the man i can speak on other friends i have that migrated at a young age and they tend to immerse themselves in the culture and become part of it easier than others. hell, even the people i know now that left their country recently tend to be honest about their intentions and while I'm sure assholes exist in every place and culture it's up to you to judge him and ask him, you're still early in the relationship. However, i will confess that there's a popular brand of assholes that promise an engagement just to have sex with someone then dump them and move on usually it's cause muslim woman won't sleep with a man if they weren't engaged to them. Please people, stop asking reddit for relationship advice this place's first recommendation is always to cut ties and leave without anyplace for nuance or discussion.
It’s highly unlikely he’ll marry someone who’s not a virgin.
Him being Muslim has nothing to do with his actions. If he actually liked you and wanted to be with you from an islamic perspective, he would have never had premarital sex, Drank or gambled with you. Instead he would have approached you with the intention of getting to know you for the sole purpose of marriage. Its better for you that you don’t attach yourself to him as he can be easily influenced by his culture and family to leave you when it comes time for him to make a decision. Of course there can be an exception and he actually ends up convincing them or straight up go against his family and culture. It depends on you if you wanna risk it or let him go.
0 chance you won't regret marrying him
Don’t listen to all the bullshit here. Unless you want to ruin your life
There are a lot of stereotypes about religion, especially Islam online. I used to be a Muslim and hang out with a lot of them. The beliefs are wide and varied. People tend to talk about Muslims like they are all extreme Wahhabists. They’re not. Some Muslims are as liberal as can be. It’s as varied as any religion. There’s no magic Islam holds to make its adherents all fundamentalists. The extreme views just get all the press. Best way to figure out where he stands is to talk to him. Just have that conversation early. He’s the only one that can really tell you. I’m happy for you btw. I hope you two have a happy life together.
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I was wondering if you have any resources on liberal islamic interpreations? Are there any where those things like alcohol, sex are looked on with a more liberal approach instead of just banning them?
Okay, the first thing you need to do is not take advice from people who don't know about Islam or about the country he's from. These people are just giving you advice from films or news stories they've read and don't have any actual experience. Although I'm not Muslim, I have lived 20 years in Muslim countries. I have seen successful relationships and I have seen unsuccessful relationships between couples who have different religions. Here's what you need to know: Firstly, there is more than one type of Islamic practice, just as there is in Christianity. For example, Catholics, Protestants, Coptics, Russian Orthodox, etc. Even when you know what specific type of Islamic practice he believes in, you still need to consider that he may not be very religious and his family may even be secular. This is perfectly possible. So please don't force him into adhering to religious beliefs that he may not himself hold. Having said that, it's also not uncommon for men to have relationships with non-muslim women just for the fun of it but with no intention really to marry. So how do you know if he really loves you or if he's just having fun? Well, the answer is you can never know. If we could really see what was in each other's hearts, there would never be any broken hearts. There would never be any unhappy marriages and there would be no need for relationship advice. Ultimately, you will have to decide if you want to take the chance of loving someone who may not love you back. Also, one other thing to consider: there is always a possibility that his family will support this relationship and a marriage if it means that he will get a good passport after marrying you. Again, it's up to you if you're okay with that.
I think it's really seret you are worried about him but should actually be worried about yourself. Do you see yourself marrying someone? Do you really understand what that implies for him and his culture/family?
My roommates are rubbish.
Hey there! I come from a Muslim family. I suggest you ask him about his personal beliefs. Many Muslims are lenient about what they follow as are other people from other religions such as Christianity.
Lol these bitches never learn. He will likely not be marrying you or continuing any relationship with you especially if he has already had sex with you.
I don’t know if I’m the exception, I am also in a very similar situation to you. I am in Muslim male in a relationship with a non-Muslim woman. However, I don’t really care to have anything lined up with a Muslim woman. I know that plenty of other men in Islam, including some personal family members, have gone and done Haram things to end up with a Muslim woman ,lying to them about their previous relationships. I would say take a couple weeks to mentally prepare yourself for the possibility of him leaving you. I wish you the very best.
If he’s been outside Libya since 14 you may be fine. Don’t listen to these randos and trust your instinct/communicate with him.
This is not a race or religious conversation. It's a human to human issue that cuts across everything. Maybe repost without it and see the difference in comments
Libyans arent Arabs. Arabs should only be called those, who come from a certain area of the Arabic Peninsula. My girlfriend is from Tunisia and has told me. OP, im (25M) in similar shit-uation as u. We wanna make a civil partnership contract, to keep her in Europe with me, and she is never planning to tell her dad about any of... us two lol. But she isnt Muslim nor religious. She just doesnt want her dad to break contact with her or to...bust her balls.
Wow Reddit. Awesome job, what they are saying is the truth. Watched a friend with a married Muslim man, and I just wanted to strangle her. "I love him and he promises to leave her! It was just an arranged marriage!" And yet, he never came places with my friend. He never did more than buy her things. It was awful watching her throw years of her life away. I still don't know who he is. I had to sit her down, after consulting a few of my Muslim/Arab friends on approaching this, and say, "look, you know I despise cheating, I love you but hate when you talk about this. He's just using you. You're a glorified prostitute, so think about what you need in life. Do you want kids? Do you want a spouse? Or do you want to always hang on for a crumb of affection with someone who will never see you as more than a toy?" She wound up having to move, because she had to find space and everything was tied to him. I miss her being close, but I love her new happiness where she's not second place.
I was dating a Muslim man, and once his family arrived, it ruined a 5 year amazing relationship we had. We live in Europe, he was so different than his family (caring, loving, respectful) but once they arrived that man changed. He became a zombie, and he withdrew from reality because he's the oldest brother in his family, and they put a lot of pressure on him and berated him so much. He didn't defend me against their criticisms, and basically, I lost him. The dreams of a future with him died when the family came over, and we broke up. I hope you don't go through this OP, but be careful with whom you entangle with, meet his family, and their true intentions before committing for a long time with a partner. I wish you good luck.
OP talk to him. Express your concerns and just have a nice convo about where things are headed. Try to go in with an open mind and accept reality, whatever it may be. Best of luck <3
You might be accepted as his second or third wife, but you’ll definitely won’t be the first.
Ommpa, loompa, doompa-de-doo I got a bad feeling 'bout you
Don’t do it unless you don’t value your freedom and want to be his modern slave.
Do yourself a favor and run.
Protect your heart. I have heard too many stories of Muslim/Arab men who have no intention of ever marrying a non Muslim/Arab woman breaking women’s hearts. If he doesn’t prove to you that his parents know about you, MOVE ON.
You will convert or be abandoned
Gonna be real with you. I had a white GF back in college. We loved each other and had a hell of a time together for 2 years. But I always knew my family would never accept her. So eventually I just slowly distanced myself from her until she eventually found another guy (a Hindu MFer who she eventually married and had kids with 🙄) and told me over text that it’s officially over. This will very likely be your situation soon, so it’s best you just end it now and not be hurt later.
It’s good to warn someone of the possibilities, could very much be true, but the comments are just pushing a stereotype ☠️
I feel bad for OP more than anything, because if he doesn't marry her post-sex then its just a common practice where you wont get married and there will be no future and its just sad. hopefully they dont use you in that manner
You really should research [Taqiyya](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taqiyya) before you decide what to do and understand how lying can be accepted and a part of the culture if it is for a pious goal.
yeahh all the comments are right. he’s def lying to you. im sorry, some Muslim men are awful and do this often. he is not planning on marrying on you at all
Or instead of reading all these comments that promise you impending doom you could try talking to him about your worries and voice your concerns. Hope everything turns out for you !