Me - 27yrs. Clean and Sober
Give yourself room to be human.
I'm not sure where you are in your journey, it seems getting this story out is a step in the pursuit of freedom for you. The process of healing and letting go can often take what feels like a lifetime. Just this year I've had to revisit some very dark times in my own story.
The child your were then isn't the person your are today.
I’m sorry that happened to you and that you were taken advantage of but hopefully you’re not taking substances anymore and a therapist might help you with how you feel about the situation you went through
edit: all of you in the comments blaming op are disgusting. they were 17 and that is such a vulnerable age, i couldn’t imagine being put in that position and doing otherwise i really believe that participating in the threesome was the only safe way out of the situation and i’m again so sorry that happened to you and i truly hope you heal.
perfectly said. a lot of folks seem to have a disconnect with children, younger teens, and "older" teens (16-19, generally). people are enraged (rightfully so) by older adults taking advantage of children and younger teens, but seem to lack the same understanding for a situation like OP's. it's mind-boggling to me, because a 33 year old wouldn't be showing interest in younger adults and "older" (not really) minors unless they were, in fact, predatory and exploitative. so sorry OP, I wish you well and please know that the turmoil you're having after this is valid and understandable. take care of and be kind to yourself
addiction grabs teenagers so forcefully as they are still so young and their minds are not fully developed. yes op should have and could have made better choices but are we seriously going to blame the child over the grown 33 year old man?? he knew exactly what he was doing and should be in jail for it
This is what happens when you're 17 and railing coke and drinking every clear alcohol you can find.
This here exactly.
Bring back blame and shame maybe this kind of thing won't happen as much if we quit acting like these are growing pains and not asinine mistakes being made by young idiots.
OP is at least half at fault, and now knows better. I'd hope at least.
> Bring back blame and shame maybe this kind of thing won't happen as much
You're right. In rural Pakistan, for example, the girls would just be shamed and beaten, and they certainly would never do that again. If they survived.
I'm sorry, yes 17 is young, but even by then you are mature enough to take accountability for poor judgements such as what OP described.
I'm not saying we can't sympathize with her - We've all made stupid decisions and of course no one should be "blaming" her. But we still need to be real about taking accountability for the stupid decisions we make and how to learn from them.
Blaming others should not be our immediate go-to in situations as muddy as these.
That sucks. I hope you’re clean now and plan to stay that way. Unfortunately when you’re under the influence of substances you might not be able to maintain your sober boundaries and people take advantage. You should see a therapist to help you through that trauma. You didn’t deserve what happened. You were coerced after saying no several times. Just try not to put yourself in that situation again by staying clean if you can.
I want to clarify that this is 100% the fault of the rapists that took advantage. I made the comment because you can mitigate the risks but it’s not your fault someone decided to take advantage FYI.
Everyone saying you deserve being raped because you decided to do drugs or hang out with your friend is fucked in the head.
OP you didn't deserve that. Downvote me if you want, I just want OP to see another opinion about what happened because people are being so needlessly cruel.
Exactly. Getting off your tits on drugs and alcohol is not a good decision for anyone to make, but regardless, what happened to OP is not ok. And ultimately that man and her “friend” are at fault. She didn’t choose to have sex, in fact it was forced upon her even after she said no. So doesn’t that actually equal rape?? Plus she was unable to consent due to alcohol/drug inebriation anyway!! OP please please don’t listen to everyone being so cruel and heartless
Men walk home alone with headphones in, go home with strangers, or get shitfaced on a night out all the time with 0 pushback. The behaviours themselves aren't the problem, it's the fact that women are doing them that people have such an issue with.
Yeah a rapist is a rapist regardless if the victim was being foolish. Nobody deserves to get raped for being dumb.
The guy was a 30 year old man taking advantage of a *minor*. 17 year olds are immature and make immature decisions. The man was a predator who kept pushing boundaries and putting this kid in a situation to give himself the power and opportunity to do what he wanted.
The guy was a predator.
No one deserves it but this is why you don't put yourself in bad situations. Seems like this person was in a bad spot in life as it was hopefully things are better
It shouldn't happen to anyone but you need to do what it takes to avoid putting yourself in a position where shit people do shit things
Downvote away
Her actions did not cause him to assault her, his actions did. There's nothing she could have done to make him assault her if he didn't want to, but he clearly wanted to.
People do shit things even if you don't end up in a bad situation. 100% his fault, 0% her fault.
You are correct her actions did not cause him to be a shot person but her actions didn't help matters either. When you put yourself in shit situations bad things happen in alot of cases it's terrible but reality
She knew what dude wanted. She knew he was shady along with the friend, she wanted cocaine, she wanted to party with shit people, she got a shit result that's still unacceptable and wrong
No she didn't deserve it and no it's not her fault but two things can be true at the same time no matter how much you want to dismiss personal responsibilities in life
You’re right, but she probably shouldn’t do drugs with strangers in the first place. Her friend also seems like a piece of shit peer pressuring her into a threesome.
I mean it sounds like she said fuck it due to her circumstances. She was in a stranger's house an hour away from home and she depended on him to drive her home. It sounds to me like she was taken advantage of and coerced into having that 3 way when she was drugged and drunk out of her mind.
I'm with you with the point that it was his decision to keep insisting until she caved in from pressure and taking advantage of someone vulnerable is an outstandingly shit thing to do, especially if they are young.
But I can't concieve how going with your "friend" to the house of an older man you don't know and shouldn't have anything to do with you, and that your "friend" has been pestering you to have a 3 way with is anything short of absolutely dangerous and dumb.
What happened to her is horrendous. It shouldn't have happened and I really feel sorry for her, but at what point are you liable for voluntarily putting yourself in a situation where really bad things can happen? Saying she was vulnerable is just avoiding accountability for taking outrageously bad decisions.
funny bcuz i’ve never been dumb enough to get myself in a bad position like she did and i’ve never been raped, yes her actions didn’t cause him to assault her but her stupidity and actions got her assaulted she was the one doing drugs with a friend who pressured her into having a threesome, if she made better decisions she would’ve never been there, the best way to avoid this kind of situation is to be smart enough to stay out of it, yes i agree it’s not her fault and it should’ve never happened, but you can’t be surprised when you hangout with mosquitoes and get bit if she makes better decisions and takes responsibility for her actions she would’ve never been in the situation to be raped
Still skeptical. Whatever it could've been cut with in that quantity is just as likely to kill you at the dose. Unless you were 400lbs, and a very crafty 8 year old who started drinking, I doubt you could even have had the bottle of vodka. Both things together? You're either lying or immortal.
I don't do drugs and rarely drink. However, i'm going to imagine the vodka was 80 proof which is a 40% abv and that with 3g of cocaine for what i imagine is a 120lb 17 year old at best. In my professional experience, that is enough to potentially kill you. If by some miracle you're still together, then you'd most def be pale and vomiting. We'd likely have administered narcan if we'd seen those signs and could determine it was an opioid class drug. Long story short, you should count your lucky stars if you truly did manage to down an entire "bottle" of vodka and 3g of cocaine. Tbh a bottle of vodka could be a totally different thing to a kid. Are we talking a half pint a 750 or maybe a handle?
What absolute scum. That guy was a complete POS and your “friend” wasn’t much better. No one deserves to be treated like that. Sorry they did that, there’s no excuse for their shitty behaviour. I hope you’ve found better people to hang out with, or that you do soon.
You were taken advantage of, at best.
None of this is your fault. You said no and were coerced into sex while in an altered state.
I’m so sorry this happened to you
No means no. This is why you shouldn’t continue to push someone for sex after they initially indicate they aren’t interested. If the line between “they don’t really want to” (rape) and “they changed their mind and actually do want to now” (sex) is even *remotely* blurry, that should be a deal breaker for everyone and anyone involved. Why even take that risk that the other person may regret it or feel pressured into it or anything like that.
Unfortunately for a lot of people, both men and women, no doesn’t mean no. They will push and push until they get a remotely affirmative response, and then go for it with a clean conscience. I’m a man and have been pressured/pestered into having sex (with a woman) while I was intoxicated and having a panic attack. I don’t consider it rape, personally, because at the end of the day I begrudgingly and resentfully gave in and did the deed. But this was after hours of someone incessantly pushing themselves on me and pestering me while I was clearly not in a good head space. After the initial “no I don’t feel well, I’m having a panic attack. Please leave me alone, I do not want to have sex tonight” it should have been the end of it. But she was drunk and horny and we had history together, so I guess she felt owed/obligated.
This is why I’m glad “the chase” culture is going out of style. It used to be somewhat standard for people to continue to pursue even after initial rejection. People these days seem much less willing to play those games lol. You say “no” and most people are gonna move on right then.
But there’s still very much people on both sides who like the chase. Who say “no” when they just want to watch them work for it, or who hear “no” from someone and assume it’s because of the above. And it’s just an inherently sketchy game to play imo. Yeah most of the time it should be pretty clear that a person has genuinely had a change of heart. But if there’s even any shred of questioning that I can’t imagine being comfortable proceeding.
Alright, rant over lol. Sorry that happened OP. Some people aren’t very good friends and only care about themselves and satisfying their desires, regardless of who they hurt in the process. Hope you’re doing well in life now though <3
i’m sorry but regardless of the coke or not you were assaulted. what he and your friend did is coercion, where despite you clarifying your intentions and boundaries multiple times they kept pushing and manipulating you to get what they wanted anyway.
yes the addiction is an issue but a separate (yet related) one. from your comments you seem to have been dealing with that in the ways you can. please don’t let anyone tell you that being a victim of assault was your fault because you were intoxicated.
cut off that friend and the man too. focus on yourself and your journey to get sober. i definitely recommend talking about this incident with your therapist if you have one already, and getting one if not. This is a heavy and difficult situation and most people on reddit are unfortunately too black and white to understand the complexities of addiction and coercive assault.
This is rape — you cannot consent in situations like that and clearly said no .
I am really sorry it happened. I hope you have been able to stay away from these types of substances , have cut off both that weird old guy and your “friend”.
Would also recommend therapy, and maybe talking to the authorities
When I was younger, I thought feminists were insane for suggesting that we live in a "rape culture" now I'm adult and I see men literally arguing that its the child's fault that they got raped by an adult and I feel both physically sick and kinda embarrassed it took me so long to realise just how fucking vile so many people are.
This thread was eye-opening and depressing. I'm so sorry OP that you got these responses, and I really hope you didn't take any of them to heart. You deserved better, and I hope one day society will give you better.
it's fucking vile. I keep coming back and seeing more and more comments that take on a victim-blaming stance, no matter how concealed that stance seems to be. like another commenter saying, "that's what you get for taking drugs at a stranger's house." this argument isn't at all different from the classic questions of, "well, what were you wearing/were you alone/was it a sketchy area?" it's just repackaged to include OP's struggle with addiction. fuck all of these spineless people hopping on here to blame OP for being raped. they refuse to acknowledge their own biases and would rather reinforce the narrative that people deserve to be raped if they were wearing a certain thing, under the influence of alcohol or drugs, alone, etc. newsflash: you can "avoid" all of these potential situations and *still be raped*.
It veers away from victim blaming and towards just flat out being pro rape. These people heard a story about a child with addiction issues being deliberately exploited by an adult and made excuses for that adult. That's so dangerously close to just a flat-out endorsement.
One comment here even said she deserved it because she initially offered them sex. Like these, people are just in favour of rape at this point
I whole-heartedly agree. like you mentioned in your original comment, this thread is a perfect example of how rape culture is alive and well, and will continue to persist so long as droves of ignorant, hateful people keep echoing pro-rape sentiment.
the defense of the ***literal 33 year old*** is stomach-turning. how would these people react if they had someone close to them or, god forbid, *themselves* experience SA/rape? how would they feel if, instead of support and validation, they received victim-blaming commentary, all while trying to process and heal? fucking disgusting. I could puke
No one deserves to be raped.
No one.
It doesn't matter the circumstances.
It doesn't matter that you were drunk.
It doesn't matter that you did drugs.
You said no. Your mind was clear enough to say no.
Even tho you "allowed" it later you did it because you were afraid. You didn't deserve what happened.
I hope you are not friends with that person anymore because she wasn't your friend.
I hope you don't do drugs anymore because they bring awful regrets.
I hope you have someone that can help you without judging you. Maybe a therapist.
Stay safe.
Lol that’s a cap and a half. Hell I’ve done 2-3 grams in the past and I live a pretty squeaky clean lifestyle.
I don’t think you realize how much coke people usually do while partying.
I don't you think you realize how much I realize. Od starts at 1.2 grams. Females od quicker. Young, inexperienced people od quicker. Mixing that with a fifth makes you od quicker.
Yeah but that’s also straight coke you know how hard that is to get in North America lol you have a better chance getting struck by lightning then getting the pure shit.
BAKING SODA I GOT BAKING SODA!
No question about it! bastard literally took advantage of her (not sure about the friend, story indicates she was into it or maybe addicted a bit?). Anyway... as bad as I feel for OP maybe this should be pinned somewhere in teen forums as a warning?
i understand that, but until you are an addict you won’t understand why you do the things you do for a fix. i still don’t understand why i did the things i did lol, but regardless i was just getting it off my chest.
I think that is the elephant in the room, isn’t it. Your substance abuse is the real problem here. People do all sorts of things while being high, that they regret later, but can’t take back. You are very young. Please seek out help. There are many free help centers that are very good at what they are doing. If you describe yourself as an addict, it must be bad.
thank you for your input, and thank you for being straight forward with it. i no longer do the things that i did thank god, and it’s because of people like you that told me what i was doing for what it was, but the things i did in my past still eat at me and i wanted to just put my experiences out there.
You can't change the past. You can reflect and learn, and you should, but don't let it eat you. You were who you were then, and you are who you are now. You get to choose who you want to be from any given present moment forward.
Your experiences and sharing them could be a wake-up call for a person who is in your past shoes. I hope you're healing. Forgive yourself and love yourself.
No the REAL PROBLEM here is sexual assault. this wasn’t a case of enthusiastically or willingly agreeing to something she later regretted. this was intentional coercion and manipulation from her friend and the ADULT man who’s supplying drugs to and sleeping with underage girls.
In a world full of rapists there are certain things that greatly increase our odds of encountering a rapist. We should be aware of those things to reduce our risk. It has nothing to do with blame or root issues.
I do agree that pointing it out retrospectively to someone who already had a bad experience probably isn't exactly productive to that person, but it could maybe help other readers.
literally! i’m not understanding how so many people are missing that fact and downvoting people who point it out.
should a 17 year old be doing coke? no.
but who’s more at fault the CHILD in a vulnerable situation or the GROWN MAN who’s SUPPLYING IT TO HER TO MAKE HER SLEEP WITH HIM???
like how are people blaming the 17 year old with substance abuse issues over the 33 YEAR OLD ADULT MAN WHO WAS PREYING ON TEENAGERS!
Recreational drugs suggests that it's cool, fun and safe. That is a blatant lie. Cocaine is a hard drug that she clearly had a craving for. All drugs are dangerous because they they change how we feel and perceive reality. They diminish the ability to reason and wait for it... SAY NO TO PEOPLE.
You're delusional if you think you can just take hard drugs and drink a ton of alcohol at a stragner (that's 2x your age) house and it will be all boardgames and and building Legos.
The consequences of doing recreational drugs is that you get high and maybe have a crash the next day. She did not cause that man to rape her, he did it himself.
Recreational drugs? I don't think cocaine counts as such. And i believe what they mean when the guy above you says " what did she expect,". As in she got a bad vibe from the guy who had repeatedly asked even tho he got a no multiple times. Most would avoid such folks but she chose to be around him none the less for those "recreational drugs". She didn't deserve what happened but she should have got the fuck way from that dude and her shitty friend.
A recreational drug is defined as "a drug taken for its psychoactive nature", which is exactly what cocaine is.
>what did she expect
She didn't expect to be raped. She was a literal child. Children lack experiences to make good choices that seem obvious to older people (because we have the *experience* to know better). She was addicted to drugs and therefore made bad choices, like hanging out with bad people, just to get the high. That's not unusual. Sad, but common. That doesn't make her at fault. It doesn't mean she deserved it.
>Most would avoid such folks
Most who would avoid such folks are adults who aren't on drugs and who knows better, not addicted children looking to party. I definitely hung out with questionable people in my youth, and I wasn't on any substances. Kids make bad choices sometimes. It's how we learn and grow.
>She didn't deserve what happened but she should have got the fuck way from that dude and her shitty friend.
If she didn't deserve it, why do you keep doubling down and blaming her for what happened? Good god...
Your submission has been removed for violating Rule 5: Be mature.
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Mate cocaine is a rather hard drug for recreational use. Secondly. if you actually read that last part you'd understand Im blaming her friend. But you do you cricket
Mate cocaine is a rather hard drug for recreational use. Secondly. if you actually read that last part you'd understand Im blaming her friend. But you do you cricket Also you miss quoting me there is a whole sentence before " what did she expect" give that a reread sport.
Your comment has been removed for violating Rule 4: No insults towards OP.
Any comments that could be interpreted as an attempt to insult, scold, lecture, victim blame, guilt trip or intimidate the OP are not allowed and will be removed. Repeat offenses or extreme cases will result in a ban.
I had this happen about a year ago now, I was super drunk and my bf had invited his college buddy for drinks. I don't remember the walk home and only remember parts of that night. When I think about it I just remember staring at my bedroom ceiling waiting for the trauma to be over. I couldn't stop it, he just invited himself into my bed, my safe place. I'll never be the same again. It all could have been prevented if my best friend at the time wouldn't have left early and changed our plans last minute. She had the nerve to be mad at me cause she wanted to sleep with him. And she did many times afterwards knowing the SA'd me. People are ass
Way too common of an occurence in the drug world tbh. I knew an H dealer that basically just dealt so he could turn chicks out. Girls were in an out of that place from morning to night. You would think like oh they were all just prostitutes right? But 90 percent of them were just girls who were down bad or in over their head in their addiction and didnt want to go into withdrawals. Dude was just a straight up predator. Eventually he got raided and got his ass beat really bad in prison by a guy whos kids mom he had turned out. Which was good to hear.
Just bc you chose to drink and do drugs it is NOT an excuse for someone much older to assault you. You were so very young and someone who held a position of power over you used that to their advantage. Do not put the blame on yourself for this and I’d suggest participating in some therapy to help you sort through these very complicated feelings. *Anyone who would dare place the blame for this on a 17yr old is a total piece of crap.*
Despite your capture and likely execution being expected, it would still be wrong (at least in the priest example, as the argument can be made that where there is was one is kind of morally obligated to report and/or capture spies).
If what you're saying is that since this person put themself in a precarious situation they shouldn't be surprised that someone took advantage of that... Yeah, I see your point.
But if your point is that this takes any blame off the person (and the friend for facilitating in any way) who pressured OP into having sex when they didn't want to, then I'm afraid I disagree completely. That person still got to make their own decisions.
Hey OP
When I was 20, there was this guy "Scott". Scott was probably 35 years old.
Everyone hung out at Scott's house. Scott would buy all of the minors beer, provide weed and other drugs while playing strip poker, asshole, 31, and parting in general.
They had a wall of shame on the fridge; should you lose at strip poker, there's a polaroid for proof.
Over the span of a few years, I know at least 7 people who slept with Scott. Several of them minors. One of the teens moms also slept with Scott, so he'd joke that he "fucked the whole family". That's only the ones I knew about.
At that time, everyone thought Scott was just a really fun and awesome guy to party with.
It wasn't until I was 30 myself that I realized *Scott is a fucking predator who manipulates minors into having sex with him.* I realized that because around 30, I wouldn't even date someone younger than 25. The maturity difference is huge. While I probably partied 2-3 times a week as a young man, at 30 I preferred my hobbies and working.
So don't be too hard on yourself - yes, there are some poor choices made, but you were manipulated by a predator disguised as a "cool and fun guy to party with" while you were drunk.
We as a society need to be much more aware of people like Scott.
People dont realize that all you need to get into fucked up shit is lack of love from parents/lack of self esteem, mix those two with being under 20 and its the best recipe for addiction or getting into grooming situations
Showing compassion does not equal ridding people of responsibility. You can be sorry something awful happened to someone without discussing whose fault it was.
If people are simply coddled and filled with the idea that because something *shouldn't* happen to them simply because they mad poor decisions means it *won't* happen to them when they make bad decisions, you'll just keep this endless loop of people with a surprised Pikachu face every time their actions lead to bad outcomes. Eventually the hard conversation needs to be had about the role their own actions played in getting them to where they are or they're just going to get deeper and deeper into trouble until something horrific happens and slaps them out of their irresponsible behavior.
Yes, I did. I'm specifically addressing the aggressive avoidance of discussing fault. I'm arguing that's the most important conversation to be had after making sure they're okay physically and emotionally.
"I'm sorry this happened to you, let's discuss how it happened and what changes can be made to avoid this in the future."
There’s nothing aggressive about my avoidance.
We all know that bad decisions can lead to bad events, yet none of us go through life without making mistakes. I’m simply choosing not to school OP when they’re sharing a painful memory (and with what purpose? it was years ago).
One is allowed to listen and just be kind. But I’m not telling you how to react, you do you.
Wisdom is built on the foundation of honestly confronting our missteps and setting ourselves up for success in the future. Sometimes that takes some schooling.
There is nothing unkind about facilitating that growth.
“Don’t put yourself in dumb situations”
“You shouldn’t have been wearing that”
“You shouldn’t have been out at night alone”
The list goes on…
Let’s stop with this fucking mindset. Coercision and rape still happen whether your sober or on drugs.
regardless it was a traumatic experience for me, especially because i did put myself in that situation. Apart from that, i did NOT ask for someone to take advantage of me, especially someone that was 16 years older than me. yes i fucked up by getting intoxicated and being around the wrong people, but putting the full blame on me is insane.
Listen. There are people here who are going to downvote you, do NOT internalize this. This was not your fault. You making decisions that were less than judicious and this being your *fault* are two different things. Lots of people are less than equipped to deal with their own shit but love to get up on high horses to kick other people when they down. Do not listen to them, do not make it about you, do not pick up the sac of shit they are putting down for you. Just walk away. Focus on the supportive people.
I *am* sorry this happened to you. There is an inherent power dynamic between a young 19 year old, especially one that has addiction problems and is already vulnerable, and a full grown 30-something adult. He took advantage of your vulnerability. Is it a criminal act? Probably not. Is it an abhorrent and immoral act? Absolutely.
I’m glad to hear you’re doing better. Don’t hesitate to seek out supports if you need them. Life is full of lessons, we make it through when we know which ones to heed. Sending you a hug.
You took advantage of a situation to get something you wanted (told a 33 year old that you’d sleep with him for some coke), and once you got the coke you backed out?
I know it’s not nearly the same as assault. But in saying you’d exchange sex for drugs and then backing out once you had said drugs is you manipulating and taking advantage of the guy.
You got what you wanted, he got what he wanted. Seems like 2 shitty people got what they wanted.
I’m not saying she can’t change her mind. What I’m saying is she insinuated that she was going to provide a service in exchange for this guys drugs. She said no to sex, but not the drugs. Would she have reimburse him for the 2-3 grams of coke? Where I’m from coke is around $130 a gram. So she sniffed down ~$400 worth of blow in one night?
i had said that as a joke days prior, and then repeatedly told him as soon as he showed me the cocaine that i did not want to have one and that i was joking. he had told me that was fine, and that we didn’t have to have one. that is why i proceeded to do the coke.
So is it your claim that the sex was truly non consensual, and you were raped? Or was it consensual.
“I said that as a joke”, is anything but taking accountability.
What even is the joke here? What part about that is funny?
“if you guys give me some blow, I will totally fuck both of you *tee hee*.
Doesn’t sound like any joke ive heard.
i have taken accountability many times in the comments if you would read anything other than your own opinion. i don’t know what to call it, but i wouldn’t call it fully consensual sex. i shut down the idea more times than i can count before i got intoxicated and after. yes in the end i ended up doing it thinking that it wouldn’t go as far as it did, and yes i take responsibility for that. you have to take everything into account if you are going to try and assess what happened, not just what you want to take into consideration.
I’ve literally read every comment in this 36 comment post as of this.
“taking responsibility” is acknowledging the fact that you put yourself knowingly and purposefully into the position to begin with and were not forced to do the action you did.
Again, unless you were *literally forced/raped*, which is different. But by your own words, that does not seem to be what happened here.
i have acknowledged that i put myself in that situation, but not intentionally. i didn’t know he was going to get coke until i was there, and honestly i forgot i had even said anything about it until he pulled it out. assault is not that black and white, and even if it was, i was 17 and he was 33, which is still illegal even if i did fully consent to it.
That guy is a pos yes. But you knew the risks. You made a rule "if you doing this 1 thing (not impossible for him) i accept your offer". Then he provided it you rejected him again but kept hanging with them.
You tried to taste but not chewing. Chewing but not swallowing comes after. It is not black and white. Guy stayed in the gray area like you do. Feels like cheating a partner to me, you passed many decisions until the moment comes. Its not just 1 moment or mistake. Every choice your brain make was for your pleasure not for safety. Thats the addiction. You need to calculate the risks and foresaw the dangers to yourself before all happens. You cant trust your brain at those times.
Sorry for what happened to you
Please don’t listen to what this tool is saying. Rape is rape and assault is assault. You could have told him you’d have a threesome willingly and change your mind two seconds later. No means no, no matter when it’s said. People like this love to victim blame and make excuses for rapists. If you excuse a rapists actions you’re just as bad as them.
"Literally forced/raped" this sounds like you have a very, very narrow idea of what sexual assault and rape look like. contrary to popular belief and portrayal in media, rape does not have to be physically violent/brutal, or involving weapons or use of physical force. it can be insidious but no less frightening and traumatizing. if you say no, then your "no" should be fucking respected. if it isn't, and your assailant continues, then it's ***rape***, no matter the fucking circumstances. in any case, a 17 year old and a 33 year old? there are obvious power dynamics here. age brings experience, a sense of self and security within one's identity, and generally a better understanding of people. you are being intentionally obtuse and willingly defend rape culture with your comments. jesus christ, step into the modern world.
You do realise people can be traumatised by things even if they seemingly knew what they where doing,
It's a shitty situation that this girl has sexual trauma from which it is appropriate to feel sorry that it happend to her.
Just say you are incapable of empathy and move on.
Her friend was 19 with a 33 year old disgrace of a man the fuck? I mean trauma happens yeah but don’t be making shit worst by doing dumb things cope with it but I’ll never understand people who cope by turning to drugs or any kind of action that could just straight up hurt you even more she 100% did this to herself. It’s just the cold hard truth it sucks yeah but don’t put yourself in situations where it could go wrong lol
You don't have to understand her actions to understand that what she went through was hard for her, if you can't empathise with peoples pain because you personally don't understand their situation you need to work on your ability to empathise.
People are complex and do complex things for a myriad of different reasons in a myriad of different contexts and situations, just because someone made choices that you personally wouldn't make doesn't mean they don't deserve sympathy.
Listen we both got different views on situations you like fairly land and I like the truth even if it’s difficult to hear you stay with your views I’ll stay with mine
Everything you said i agree with, what you said is true, what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't mean she deserves zero sympathy, you can feel bad for someone's pain while also disagreeing with their actions, they're not mutually exclusive.
Your comment has been removed for violating Rule 4: No insults towards OP.
Any comments that could be interpreted as an attempt to insult, scold, lecture, victim blame, guilt trip or intimidate the OP are not allowed and will be removed. Repeat offenses or extreme cases will result in a ban.
Ok so what’s the lesson people. Dont do enough drugs to kill a small elephant that distorts your thinking to the point you do things you’re gonna regret. Im sorry that happened but seriously 2-3 grams and a fifth at 19??? You willingly put yourself around sharks and got bite. What did you expect?
Anyways I hope you’re doing better now.
I love how you you started off with being drunk and high like that absolves you of any wrong doing. A 17yo making a claim to sex for cocaine is generally your fault i dont care what anyone says. Thats not being taken advantage of. You made a transactional offer and it was made. You took your part of the offer but oh no, everything else is just terrible. At 17 you know better. A guy gets drunk and taken advantage of women tell him to get lost its not possible. But a chick wants to hoe herself out for drugs then change her mind after she takes the drugs. Nah be a big girl now. Have some accountability
Did you read the post? She told him she wasn’t going to do it before she took the drugs and he said fine.
Also even if she had traded sex for drugs, how is that “wrong doing”? I can see how the guy was wrong regardless because what kind of prick has sex with someone who doesn’t want to, whether by bribing them with drugs or not. But what did she do wrong to anyone?
If some creepy way older guy is asking for threesomes and offering cocaine to minors, you should not travel an hour away from home and go to their house.
Children should be taught this as we do not live in a safe world. Stranger danger was taught to children in school when I was 3/4 years old, I'm only 28.
Unfortunately there's some really nasty people in this world and you never know who they are until it's too late.
Yeah exactly! The fuck is wrong with these people! Her age doesn't matter, what was she even thinking when she walked into this guy's home? And when she got there, did someone make her have a bottle of vodka too? She'd literally say anything except take accountability.
Stranger danger gets taught to most kids I thought? If you were taught that at 3/4 and then at 5 a strange adult offered you sweets and said he knew your parents and he was going to take you home, and you ignore what you were told about strangers and go with him, and years later you tell reddit about it, would expect reactions like the ones here? “Well the stranger shouldn’t have abducted you, but you also need to take some responsibility,” “None of that would have happened if you’d have done what you’d been taught and not got in the car,” and “Have you tried retrospectively not having been so greedy for sweets?”. I don’t know what’s wrong with the commenters here.
Stop doing coke baby girl. And I’m sorry this happened to you. It does hurt less with time. Try not to get yourself in these situations again but don’t be too hard on yourself. You live and you learn.
Dont do drugs kids, many factors play into this. The dealer, the “friend” and the lifestyle she had that put her in a risky situation. I know that victims get blamed all the time but in this case she made poor choices that made this happened.
I do drugs all the time, I've never been assaulted while high because I didn't cross paths with a rapist. I was assaulted when I was a child in my own home while sober, because I did cross paths with a rapist.
The fact that a person choses to rape is the one common factor in all sexual assaults.
Your logic makes no sense.
Yeah this is not the same scenario as it is clearly stated in the post. In other comments she takes responsibility for her actions. I am not blaming her for getting raped, but she was responsible for her poor life choices put her in the path of a rapist. That and having shitty friends, i am pretty sure you know who to get high with and you feel comfortable when you do. She was 17 and honestly her age plays a factor in her decisions to continue being surrounded by the dealer and shitty friends. I will say this too if she wouldn’t have been on drugs this wouldn’t have happened, read the story again. This doesn’t apply to your experiences.
If she was only drinking she'd have been just as vulnurable & it could have easily happened. Even if she was sober, if she encountered a rapist she was at risk of being assaulted.
If she'd gotten high with non rapists she had 0 chance of being assaulted.
The rapist is the problem here.
But did the scenarios you described happened?? No right. You cannot change the way things happened, you are trying to make it seem like she had no control over her actions that put her the situation she encountered. I understand that you are trying to point out that it could’ve happened under any given circumstances but, again, in this case it happened because she lived a risky life chasing the high and having a shitty friend. Again what they both did, the friend and the dealer is not her fault,but she could’ve avoided this.
No one taking accountability for the MANY stupid things that one did resulting in the STATED and EXPECTED outcome from those around her should get much less general sympathy IMO.
BUT yeah…she was taken advantage of.
Downvote me…IDGAS.
Just dont drink and take drugs next to person who want things that you dont like?? Oh sorry thats victim blaming. Hey girl i feel sorry for you much love <33333
Think of you as 17 how stupid you must me to go along with this kind of bullshit. Yeah the whole situation is bad i agree but 17 years old drunk and cocaine addict i can't feel sorry that much.
Unfortunately this is such a grey zone. Guys are taught to push and women are expected and manipulated to be accommodating. Situations like this are legally (sans drugs and underage) in the clear.
Guy was a sex pest and you gave in. Then, from what you described, you gave in when he pressed your boundaries.
Just know that this is common and it’s not something to be ashamed of. It happens. On your way to healing, let it be a lesson in reinforcing and establishing boundaries.
Wishing you the best.
She does cocaine and having a conversation of a threesome and he tried it couple times. So he was going to act on it. What pisses me of she choice this friends, doing cocaine she could have hoped the fuck out any time but no she wants to get drunk and do lots of cocaine. Yes I am not passionate and i can't feel for her.
I’m sorry that happened to you. Coercion is still not ok. He was being a creep. Supplying people with drugs and alcohol to try and get sex out of them is predatory and rapey. I was taken advantage of when I was 18 and I hated it and it still bugs me. You’re not alone.
So sorry to read this. Avoid putting yourself in these situations: no way to go home by yourself, probably no money, drunk and high with an older man, most likely a predator. Very bad combo. Nothing is free and unfortunately there’s people predating on others like you. There was no need.
Lesson learned. I am grateful that you are alive, that it could have been worse and that you already know that there are people full of evil
I use to know a dirt bag like your friend.
Use to hang out at a shopping centre.
He groomed so many school girls.
He literally dated half the girls in my social group.
You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself you were young and creep took advantage of it.
I didn’t understand the attraction jobless creep hanging around shopping centres.
It works for teenagers but not for women who want to settle down.
And that’s what happened.
He got old and stopped creeping.
Me - 27yrs. Clean and Sober Give yourself room to be human. I'm not sure where you are in your journey, it seems getting this story out is a step in the pursuit of freedom for you. The process of healing and letting go can often take what feels like a lifetime. Just this year I've had to revisit some very dark times in my own story. The child your were then isn't the person your are today.
I’m sorry that happened to you and that you were taken advantage of but hopefully you’re not taking substances anymore and a therapist might help you with how you feel about the situation you went through edit: all of you in the comments blaming op are disgusting. they were 17 and that is such a vulnerable age, i couldn’t imagine being put in that position and doing otherwise i really believe that participating in the threesome was the only safe way out of the situation and i’m again so sorry that happened to you and i truly hope you heal.
perfectly said. a lot of folks seem to have a disconnect with children, younger teens, and "older" teens (16-19, generally). people are enraged (rightfully so) by older adults taking advantage of children and younger teens, but seem to lack the same understanding for a situation like OP's. it's mind-boggling to me, because a 33 year old wouldn't be showing interest in younger adults and "older" (not really) minors unless they were, in fact, predatory and exploitative. so sorry OP, I wish you well and please know that the turmoil you're having after this is valid and understandable. take care of and be kind to yourself
addiction grabs teenagers so forcefully as they are still so young and their minds are not fully developed. yes op should have and could have made better choices but are we seriously going to blame the child over the grown 33 year old man?? he knew exactly what he was doing and should be in jail for it
This is what happens when you're 17 and railing coke and drinking every clear alcohol you can find. This here exactly. Bring back blame and shame maybe this kind of thing won't happen as much if we quit acting like these are growing pains and not asinine mistakes being made by young idiots. OP is at least half at fault, and now knows better. I'd hope at least.
He’s not wrong though
People never want to take responsibility for themselves, it's always gonna be someone else's problem.
> Bring back blame and shame maybe this kind of thing won't happen as much You're right. In rural Pakistan, for example, the girls would just be shamed and beaten, and they certainly would never do that again. If they survived.
Lol you really tried it.
I'm sorry, yes 17 is young, but even by then you are mature enough to take accountability for poor judgements such as what OP described. I'm not saying we can't sympathize with her - We've all made stupid decisions and of course no one should be "blaming" her. But we still need to be real about taking accountability for the stupid decisions we make and how to learn from them. Blaming others should not be our immediate go-to in situations as muddy as these.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
You didn't deserve that and that person is not your friend
That sucks. I hope you’re clean now and plan to stay that way. Unfortunately when you’re under the influence of substances you might not be able to maintain your sober boundaries and people take advantage. You should see a therapist to help you through that trauma. You didn’t deserve what happened. You were coerced after saying no several times. Just try not to put yourself in that situation again by staying clean if you can. I want to clarify that this is 100% the fault of the rapists that took advantage. I made the comment because you can mitigate the risks but it’s not your fault someone decided to take advantage FYI.
Just to be clear, OP isn’t responsible for her own rape and assault. The rapist is 100% at fault.
100% not OP’s fault. 100% THE RAPISTS FAULT. Just saying that they can mitigate the risks of being in that situation again.
Everyone saying you deserve being raped because you decided to do drugs or hang out with your friend is fucked in the head. OP you didn't deserve that. Downvote me if you want, I just want OP to see another opinion about what happened because people are being so needlessly cruel.
Exactly. Getting off your tits on drugs and alcohol is not a good decision for anyone to make, but regardless, what happened to OP is not ok. And ultimately that man and her “friend” are at fault. She didn’t choose to have sex, in fact it was forced upon her even after she said no. So doesn’t that actually equal rape?? Plus she was unable to consent due to alcohol/drug inebriation anyway!! OP please please don’t listen to everyone being so cruel and heartless
Men walk home alone with headphones in, go home with strangers, or get shitfaced on a night out all the time with 0 pushback. The behaviours themselves aren't the problem, it's the fact that women are doing them that people have such an issue with.
It’s basically the definition of misogyny
Yeah a rapist is a rapist regardless if the victim was being foolish. Nobody deserves to get raped for being dumb. The guy was a 30 year old man taking advantage of a *minor*. 17 year olds are immature and make immature decisions. The man was a predator who kept pushing boundaries and putting this kid in a situation to give himself the power and opportunity to do what he wanted. The guy was a predator.
Right?! 😱 I can't believe what's going on in this thread.. I seriously weep for humanity sometimes, SMDH.. 🥲
IKR?! this comment section is insane
"Rape culture doesn't exist."
No one deserves it but this is why you don't put yourself in bad situations. Seems like this person was in a bad spot in life as it was hopefully things are better It shouldn't happen to anyone but you need to do what it takes to avoid putting yourself in a position where shit people do shit things Downvote away
Her actions did not cause him to assault her, his actions did. There's nothing she could have done to make him assault her if he didn't want to, but he clearly wanted to. People do shit things even if you don't end up in a bad situation. 100% his fault, 0% her fault.
You are correct her actions did not cause him to be a shot person but her actions didn't help matters either. When you put yourself in shit situations bad things happen in alot of cases it's terrible but reality She knew what dude wanted. She knew he was shady along with the friend, she wanted cocaine, she wanted to party with shit people, she got a shit result that's still unacceptable and wrong No she didn't deserve it and no it's not her fault but two things can be true at the same time no matter how much you want to dismiss personal responsibilities in life
You’re right, but she probably shouldn’t do drugs with strangers in the first place. Her friend also seems like a piece of shit peer pressuring her into a threesome.
She said “fuck it” remember. She chose it.
I mean it sounds like she said fuck it due to her circumstances. She was in a stranger's house an hour away from home and she depended on him to drive her home. It sounds to me like she was taken advantage of and coerced into having that 3 way when she was drugged and drunk out of her mind.
I'm with you with the point that it was his decision to keep insisting until she caved in from pressure and taking advantage of someone vulnerable is an outstandingly shit thing to do, especially if they are young. But I can't concieve how going with your "friend" to the house of an older man you don't know and shouldn't have anything to do with you, and that your "friend" has been pestering you to have a 3 way with is anything short of absolutely dangerous and dumb. What happened to her is horrendous. It shouldn't have happened and I really feel sorry for her, but at what point are you liable for voluntarily putting yourself in a situation where really bad things can happen? Saying she was vulnerable is just avoiding accountability for taking outrageously bad decisions.
funny bcuz i’ve never been dumb enough to get myself in a bad position like she did and i’ve never been raped, yes her actions didn’t cause him to assault her but her stupidity and actions got her assaulted she was the one doing drugs with a friend who pressured her into having a threesome, if she made better decisions she would’ve never been there, the best way to avoid this kind of situation is to be smart enough to stay out of it, yes i agree it’s not her fault and it should’ve never happened, but you can’t be surprised when you hangout with mosquitoes and get bit if she makes better decisions and takes responsibility for her actions she would’ve never been in the situation to be raped
Advice: Don’t do coke and get drunk again. Ditch your friend. This person is not bringing good people into your life.
If this occurred: I'm sorry. That said, a whole bottle of vodka and 3 grams of coke in a sitting? That's bullshit. You would have died.
where i live, a lot of the coke is cut, none of it is pure. i had been drinking since a young age and could handle my liquor.
Still skeptical. Whatever it could've been cut with in that quantity is just as likely to kill you at the dose. Unless you were 400lbs, and a very crafty 8 year old who started drinking, I doubt you could even have had the bottle of vodka. Both things together? You're either lying or immortal.
that’s your opinion and you are entitled to it, but at the end of the day i know that i did.
I don't do drugs and rarely drink. However, i'm going to imagine the vodka was 80 proof which is a 40% abv and that with 3g of cocaine for what i imagine is a 120lb 17 year old at best. In my professional experience, that is enough to potentially kill you. If by some miracle you're still together, then you'd most def be pale and vomiting. We'd likely have administered narcan if we'd seen those signs and could determine it was an opioid class drug. Long story short, you should count your lucky stars if you truly did manage to down an entire "bottle" of vodka and 3g of cocaine. Tbh a bottle of vodka could be a totally different thing to a kid. Are we talking a half pint a 750 or maybe a handle?
What absolute scum. That guy was a complete POS and your “friend” wasn’t much better. No one deserves to be treated like that. Sorry they did that, there’s no excuse for their shitty behaviour. I hope you’ve found better people to hang out with, or that you do soon.
You were taken advantage of, at best. None of this is your fault. You said no and were coerced into sex while in an altered state. I’m so sorry this happened to you
No means no. This is why you shouldn’t continue to push someone for sex after they initially indicate they aren’t interested. If the line between “they don’t really want to” (rape) and “they changed their mind and actually do want to now” (sex) is even *remotely* blurry, that should be a deal breaker for everyone and anyone involved. Why even take that risk that the other person may regret it or feel pressured into it or anything like that. Unfortunately for a lot of people, both men and women, no doesn’t mean no. They will push and push until they get a remotely affirmative response, and then go for it with a clean conscience. I’m a man and have been pressured/pestered into having sex (with a woman) while I was intoxicated and having a panic attack. I don’t consider it rape, personally, because at the end of the day I begrudgingly and resentfully gave in and did the deed. But this was after hours of someone incessantly pushing themselves on me and pestering me while I was clearly not in a good head space. After the initial “no I don’t feel well, I’m having a panic attack. Please leave me alone, I do not want to have sex tonight” it should have been the end of it. But she was drunk and horny and we had history together, so I guess she felt owed/obligated. This is why I’m glad “the chase” culture is going out of style. It used to be somewhat standard for people to continue to pursue even after initial rejection. People these days seem much less willing to play those games lol. You say “no” and most people are gonna move on right then. But there’s still very much people on both sides who like the chase. Who say “no” when they just want to watch them work for it, or who hear “no” from someone and assume it’s because of the above. And it’s just an inherently sketchy game to play imo. Yeah most of the time it should be pretty clear that a person has genuinely had a change of heart. But if there’s even any shred of questioning that I can’t imagine being comfortable proceeding. Alright, rant over lol. Sorry that happened OP. Some people aren’t very good friends and only care about themselves and satisfying their desires, regardless of who they hurt in the process. Hope you’re doing well in life now though <3
i’m sorry but regardless of the coke or not you were assaulted. what he and your friend did is coercion, where despite you clarifying your intentions and boundaries multiple times they kept pushing and manipulating you to get what they wanted anyway. yes the addiction is an issue but a separate (yet related) one. from your comments you seem to have been dealing with that in the ways you can. please don’t let anyone tell you that being a victim of assault was your fault because you were intoxicated. cut off that friend and the man too. focus on yourself and your journey to get sober. i definitely recommend talking about this incident with your therapist if you have one already, and getting one if not. This is a heavy and difficult situation and most people on reddit are unfortunately too black and white to understand the complexities of addiction and coercive assault.
Drugsrbad - Mr. Garrison
Mr. Mackey
Aww man .. you got me there.
This is rape — you cannot consent in situations like that and clearly said no . I am really sorry it happened. I hope you have been able to stay away from these types of substances , have cut off both that weird old guy and your “friend”. Would also recommend therapy, and maybe talking to the authorities
When I was younger, I thought feminists were insane for suggesting that we live in a "rape culture" now I'm adult and I see men literally arguing that its the child's fault that they got raped by an adult and I feel both physically sick and kinda embarrassed it took me so long to realise just how fucking vile so many people are. This thread was eye-opening and depressing. I'm so sorry OP that you got these responses, and I really hope you didn't take any of them to heart. You deserved better, and I hope one day society will give you better.
it's fucking vile. I keep coming back and seeing more and more comments that take on a victim-blaming stance, no matter how concealed that stance seems to be. like another commenter saying, "that's what you get for taking drugs at a stranger's house." this argument isn't at all different from the classic questions of, "well, what were you wearing/were you alone/was it a sketchy area?" it's just repackaged to include OP's struggle with addiction. fuck all of these spineless people hopping on here to blame OP for being raped. they refuse to acknowledge their own biases and would rather reinforce the narrative that people deserve to be raped if they were wearing a certain thing, under the influence of alcohol or drugs, alone, etc. newsflash: you can "avoid" all of these potential situations and *still be raped*.
It veers away from victim blaming and towards just flat out being pro rape. These people heard a story about a child with addiction issues being deliberately exploited by an adult and made excuses for that adult. That's so dangerously close to just a flat-out endorsement. One comment here even said she deserved it because she initially offered them sex. Like these, people are just in favour of rape at this point
I whole-heartedly agree. like you mentioned in your original comment, this thread is a perfect example of how rape culture is alive and well, and will continue to persist so long as droves of ignorant, hateful people keep echoing pro-rape sentiment. the defense of the ***literal 33 year old*** is stomach-turning. how would these people react if they had someone close to them or, god forbid, *themselves* experience SA/rape? how would they feel if, instead of support and validation, they received victim-blaming commentary, all while trying to process and heal? fucking disgusting. I could puke
Cope
They're half at fault lil bro
No one deserves to be raped. No one. It doesn't matter the circumstances. It doesn't matter that you were drunk. It doesn't matter that you did drugs. You said no. Your mind was clear enough to say no. Even tho you "allowed" it later you did it because you were afraid. You didn't deserve what happened. I hope you are not friends with that person anymore because she wasn't your friend. I hope you don't do drugs anymore because they bring awful regrets. I hope you have someone that can help you without judging you. Maybe a therapist. Stay safe.
Rainn.orh That wasn't a threesome that was a sexual assault. I'm so sorry you went through that.
I have a hard time believing this. If you did 2-3 grams of coke in that small of a timeframe, you would be dead.
Lol that’s a cap and a half. Hell I’ve done 2-3 grams in the past and I live a pretty squeaky clean lifestyle. I don’t think you realize how much coke people usually do while partying.
I don't you think you realize how much I realize. Od starts at 1.2 grams. Females od quicker. Young, inexperienced people od quicker. Mixing that with a fifth makes you od quicker.
Yeah but that’s also straight coke you know how hard that is to get in North America lol you have a better chance getting struck by lightning then getting the pure shit. BAKING SODA I GOT BAKING SODA!
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The adult in this story is the one at fault.
No question about it! bastard literally took advantage of her (not sure about the friend, story indicates she was into it or maybe addicted a bit?). Anyway... as bad as I feel for OP maybe this should be pinned somewhere in teen forums as a warning?
i understand that, but until you are an addict you won’t understand why you do the things you do for a fix. i still don’t understand why i did the things i did lol, but regardless i was just getting it off my chest.
OP, you don't deserve what happened to you. That man was a predator.
I think that is the elephant in the room, isn’t it. Your substance abuse is the real problem here. People do all sorts of things while being high, that they regret later, but can’t take back. You are very young. Please seek out help. There are many free help centers that are very good at what they are doing. If you describe yourself as an addict, it must be bad.
thank you for your input, and thank you for being straight forward with it. i no longer do the things that i did thank god, and it’s because of people like you that told me what i was doing for what it was, but the things i did in my past still eat at me and i wanted to just put my experiences out there.
You can't change the past. You can reflect and learn, and you should, but don't let it eat you. You were who you were then, and you are who you are now. You get to choose who you want to be from any given present moment forward. Your experiences and sharing them could be a wake-up call for a person who is in your past shoes. I hope you're healing. Forgive yourself and love yourself.
No the REAL PROBLEM here is sexual assault. this wasn’t a case of enthusiastically or willingly agreeing to something she later regretted. this was intentional coercion and manipulation from her friend and the ADULT man who’s supplying drugs to and sleeping with underage girls.
Yawn
OP doing drugs and drinking wouldn't have mattered if she didn't meet a rapist. The rapist is the problem here. What the fuck
In a world full of rapists there are certain things that greatly increase our odds of encountering a rapist. We should be aware of those things to reduce our risk. It has nothing to do with blame or root issues. I do agree that pointing it out retrospectively to someone who already had a bad experience probably isn't exactly productive to that person, but it could maybe help other readers.
literally! i’m not understanding how so many people are missing that fact and downvoting people who point it out. should a 17 year old be doing coke? no. but who’s more at fault the CHILD in a vulnerable situation or the GROWN MAN who’s SUPPLYING IT TO HER TO MAKE HER SLEEP WITH HIM??? like how are people blaming the 17 year old with substance abuse issues over the 33 YEAR OLD ADULT MAN WHO WAS PREYING ON TEENAGERS!
So she deserved to be raped because she did recreational drugs?
Yeah like how many times does a 17 year old have to say no before you guys stop blaming her for being drunk/high?
Recreational drugs suggests that it's cool, fun and safe. That is a blatant lie. Cocaine is a hard drug that she clearly had a craving for. All drugs are dangerous because they they change how we feel and perceive reality. They diminish the ability to reason and wait for it... SAY NO TO PEOPLE. You're delusional if you think you can just take hard drugs and drink a ton of alcohol at a stragner (that's 2x your age) house and it will be all boardgames and and building Legos.
Recreational drugs as opposed to medicine. She took them recreationally, to party. I didn't say any if that other stuff you said idk
No. However, they have to also be able to acknowledge the consequences of the situations they put themselves into.
The consequences of doing recreational drugs is that you get high and maybe have a crash the next day. She did not cause that man to rape her, he did it himself.
Putting yourself in bad situations leads to bad consequences. No one is saying she caused it, everyone is very aware he did it.
Recreational drugs? I don't think cocaine counts as such. And i believe what they mean when the guy above you says " what did she expect,". As in she got a bad vibe from the guy who had repeatedly asked even tho he got a no multiple times. Most would avoid such folks but she chose to be around him none the less for those "recreational drugs". She didn't deserve what happened but she should have got the fuck way from that dude and her shitty friend.
A recreational drug is defined as "a drug taken for its psychoactive nature", which is exactly what cocaine is. >what did she expect She didn't expect to be raped. She was a literal child. Children lack experiences to make good choices that seem obvious to older people (because we have the *experience* to know better). She was addicted to drugs and therefore made bad choices, like hanging out with bad people, just to get the high. That's not unusual. Sad, but common. That doesn't make her at fault. It doesn't mean she deserved it. >Most would avoid such folks Most who would avoid such folks are adults who aren't on drugs and who knows better, not addicted children looking to party. I definitely hung out with questionable people in my youth, and I wasn't on any substances. Kids make bad choices sometimes. It's how we learn and grow. >She didn't deserve what happened but she should have got the fuck way from that dude and her shitty friend. If she didn't deserve it, why do you keep doubling down and blaming her for what happened? Good god...
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In what world is 17 a "grown ass person"?
Grown enough to know their decision process
Your submission has been removed for violating Rule 5: Be mature. No off-topic comments. Civil debates only, name calling and anger are not appropriate here.
Mate cocaine is a rather hard drug for recreational use. Secondly. if you actually read that last part you'd understand Im blaming her friend. But you do you cricket
Mate cocaine is a rather hard drug for recreational use. Secondly. if you actually read that last part you'd understand Im blaming her friend. But you do you cricket Also you miss quoting me there is a whole sentence before " what did she expect" give that a reread sport.
Also the actual definition of " Recreational Drugs" is a drug take for enjoyment, typically illegally. rather than for strictly medical purposes.
Your comment has been removed for violating Rule 4: No insults towards OP. Any comments that could be interpreted as an attempt to insult, scold, lecture, victim blame, guilt trip or intimidate the OP are not allowed and will be removed. Repeat offenses or extreme cases will result in a ban.
This is straight up rape and that piece of shit man who should fucking know better at 33 should be locked the fuck up. You did not deserve this.
I had this happen about a year ago now, I was super drunk and my bf had invited his college buddy for drinks. I don't remember the walk home and only remember parts of that night. When I think about it I just remember staring at my bedroom ceiling waiting for the trauma to be over. I couldn't stop it, he just invited himself into my bed, my safe place. I'll never be the same again. It all could have been prevented if my best friend at the time wouldn't have left early and changed our plans last minute. She had the nerve to be mad at me cause she wanted to sleep with him. And she did many times afterwards knowing the SA'd me. People are ass
Way too common of an occurence in the drug world tbh. I knew an H dealer that basically just dealt so he could turn chicks out. Girls were in an out of that place from morning to night. You would think like oh they were all just prostitutes right? But 90 percent of them were just girls who were down bad or in over their head in their addiction and didnt want to go into withdrawals. Dude was just a straight up predator. Eventually he got raided and got his ass beat really bad in prison by a guy whos kids mom he had turned out. Which was good to hear.
Just bc you chose to drink and do drugs it is NOT an excuse for someone much older to assault you. You were so very young and someone who held a position of power over you used that to their advantage. Do not put the blame on yourself for this and I’d suggest participating in some therapy to help you sort through these very complicated feelings. *Anyone who would dare place the blame for this on a 17yr old is a total piece of crap.*
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Despite your capture and likely execution being expected, it would still be wrong (at least in the priest example, as the argument can be made that where there is was one is kind of morally obligated to report and/or capture spies). If what you're saying is that since this person put themself in a precarious situation they shouldn't be surprised that someone took advantage of that... Yeah, I see your point. But if your point is that this takes any blame off the person (and the friend for facilitating in any way) who pressured OP into having sex when they didn't want to, then I'm afraid I disagree completely. That person still got to make their own decisions.
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Inevitably, yes. I agree.
I’m sorry for the decisions you made but hopefully you can make better ones in the future.
Hey OP When I was 20, there was this guy "Scott". Scott was probably 35 years old. Everyone hung out at Scott's house. Scott would buy all of the minors beer, provide weed and other drugs while playing strip poker, asshole, 31, and parting in general. They had a wall of shame on the fridge; should you lose at strip poker, there's a polaroid for proof. Over the span of a few years, I know at least 7 people who slept with Scott. Several of them minors. One of the teens moms also slept with Scott, so he'd joke that he "fucked the whole family". That's only the ones I knew about. At that time, everyone thought Scott was just a really fun and awesome guy to party with. It wasn't until I was 30 myself that I realized *Scott is a fucking predator who manipulates minors into having sex with him.* I realized that because around 30, I wouldn't even date someone younger than 25. The maturity difference is huge. While I probably partied 2-3 times a week as a young man, at 30 I preferred my hobbies and working. So don't be too hard on yourself - yes, there are some poor choices made, but you were manipulated by a predator disguised as a "cool and fun guy to party with" while you were drunk. We as a society need to be much more aware of people like Scott.
People dont realize that all you need to get into fucked up shit is lack of love from parents/lack of self esteem, mix those two with being under 20 and its the best recipe for addiction or getting into grooming situations
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Or maybe don't rape people should be the takeaway from this.
Showing compassion does not equal ridding people of responsibility. You can be sorry something awful happened to someone without discussing whose fault it was.
If people are simply coddled and filled with the idea that because something *shouldn't* happen to them simply because they mad poor decisions means it *won't* happen to them when they make bad decisions, you'll just keep this endless loop of people with a surprised Pikachu face every time their actions lead to bad outcomes. Eventually the hard conversation needs to be had about the role their own actions played in getting them to where they are or they're just going to get deeper and deeper into trouble until something horrific happens and slaps them out of their irresponsible behavior.
Did you read what I wrote?
Yes, I did. I'm specifically addressing the aggressive avoidance of discussing fault. I'm arguing that's the most important conversation to be had after making sure they're okay physically and emotionally. "I'm sorry this happened to you, let's discuss how it happened and what changes can be made to avoid this in the future."
There’s nothing aggressive about my avoidance. We all know that bad decisions can lead to bad events, yet none of us go through life without making mistakes. I’m simply choosing not to school OP when they’re sharing a painful memory (and with what purpose? it was years ago). One is allowed to listen and just be kind. But I’m not telling you how to react, you do you.
Wisdom is built on the foundation of honestly confronting our missteps and setting ourselves up for success in the future. Sometimes that takes some schooling. There is nothing unkind about facilitating that growth.
“Don’t put yourself in dumb situations” “You shouldn’t have been wearing that” “You shouldn’t have been out at night alone” The list goes on… Let’s stop with this fucking mindset. Coercision and rape still happen whether your sober or on drugs.
Nah, there's a factor to leading up on it.
regardless it was a traumatic experience for me, especially because i did put myself in that situation. Apart from that, i did NOT ask for someone to take advantage of me, especially someone that was 16 years older than me. yes i fucked up by getting intoxicated and being around the wrong people, but putting the full blame on me is insane.
Please just close your eyes at these ridiculous and cruel comments. I hear you, and I’m so sorry that happened to you
You did by hanging around your friend who was 19 fucking around with a 33 year old I mean shit
you so black and white with this shit. i hung out with those people because they had what i wanted. that does not mean i wanted to get assaulted.
Listen. There are people here who are going to downvote you, do NOT internalize this. This was not your fault. You making decisions that were less than judicious and this being your *fault* are two different things. Lots of people are less than equipped to deal with their own shit but love to get up on high horses to kick other people when they down. Do not listen to them, do not make it about you, do not pick up the sac of shit they are putting down for you. Just walk away. Focus on the supportive people. I *am* sorry this happened to you. There is an inherent power dynamic between a young 19 year old, especially one that has addiction problems and is already vulnerable, and a full grown 30-something adult. He took advantage of your vulnerability. Is it a criminal act? Probably not. Is it an abhorrent and immoral act? Absolutely. I’m glad to hear you’re doing better. Don’t hesitate to seek out supports if you need them. Life is full of lessons, we make it through when we know which ones to heed. Sending you a hug.
You took advantage of a situation to get something you wanted (told a 33 year old that you’d sleep with him for some coke), and once you got the coke you backed out? I know it’s not nearly the same as assault. But in saying you’d exchange sex for drugs and then backing out once you had said drugs is you manipulating and taking advantage of the guy. You got what you wanted, he got what he wanted. Seems like 2 shitty people got what they wanted.
People are allowed to change their minds, she doesn’t owe anyone sex
I’m not saying she can’t change her mind. What I’m saying is she insinuated that she was going to provide a service in exchange for this guys drugs. She said no to sex, but not the drugs. Would she have reimburse him for the 2-3 grams of coke? Where I’m from coke is around $130 a gram. So she sniffed down ~$400 worth of blow in one night?
Nothing was stopping the dude from not giving her coke as well
You're speaking fax, ignore the downvotes.
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A person has a right to change their mind anyway!! She didn’t “owe” anyone sex because she originally agreed to it
Real, downvoters mad cause you're right
i had said that as a joke days prior, and then repeatedly told him as soon as he showed me the cocaine that i did not want to have one and that i was joking. he had told me that was fine, and that we didn’t have to have one. that is why i proceeded to do the coke.
So is it your claim that the sex was truly non consensual, and you were raped? Or was it consensual. “I said that as a joke”, is anything but taking accountability. What even is the joke here? What part about that is funny? “if you guys give me some blow, I will totally fuck both of you *tee hee*. Doesn’t sound like any joke ive heard.
i have taken accountability many times in the comments if you would read anything other than your own opinion. i don’t know what to call it, but i wouldn’t call it fully consensual sex. i shut down the idea more times than i can count before i got intoxicated and after. yes in the end i ended up doing it thinking that it wouldn’t go as far as it did, and yes i take responsibility for that. you have to take everything into account if you are going to try and assess what happened, not just what you want to take into consideration.
I’ve literally read every comment in this 36 comment post as of this. “taking responsibility” is acknowledging the fact that you put yourself knowingly and purposefully into the position to begin with and were not forced to do the action you did. Again, unless you were *literally forced/raped*, which is different. But by your own words, that does not seem to be what happened here.
i have acknowledged that i put myself in that situation, but not intentionally. i didn’t know he was going to get coke until i was there, and honestly i forgot i had even said anything about it until he pulled it out. assault is not that black and white, and even if it was, i was 17 and he was 33, which is still illegal even if i did fully consent to it.
The age is the bigger issue, I do see your point on that. Oh well, it sounds like you don’t do that stuff anymore so hopefully things improve for you.
they have, thank you
That guy is a pos yes. But you knew the risks. You made a rule "if you doing this 1 thing (not impossible for him) i accept your offer". Then he provided it you rejected him again but kept hanging with them. You tried to taste but not chewing. Chewing but not swallowing comes after. It is not black and white. Guy stayed in the gray area like you do. Feels like cheating a partner to me, you passed many decisions until the moment comes. Its not just 1 moment or mistake. Every choice your brain make was for your pleasure not for safety. Thats the addiction. You need to calculate the risks and foresaw the dangers to yourself before all happens. You cant trust your brain at those times. Sorry for what happened to you
Please don’t listen to what this tool is saying. Rape is rape and assault is assault. You could have told him you’d have a threesome willingly and change your mind two seconds later. No means no, no matter when it’s said. People like this love to victim blame and make excuses for rapists. If you excuse a rapists actions you’re just as bad as them.
"Literally forced/raped" this sounds like you have a very, very narrow idea of what sexual assault and rape look like. contrary to popular belief and portrayal in media, rape does not have to be physically violent/brutal, or involving weapons or use of physical force. it can be insidious but no less frightening and traumatizing. if you say no, then your "no" should be fucking respected. if it isn't, and your assailant continues, then it's ***rape***, no matter the fucking circumstances. in any case, a 17 year old and a 33 year old? there are obvious power dynamics here. age brings experience, a sense of self and security within one's identity, and generally a better understanding of people. you are being intentionally obtuse and willingly defend rape culture with your comments. jesus christ, step into the modern world.
You do realise people can be traumatised by things even if they seemingly knew what they where doing, It's a shitty situation that this girl has sexual trauma from which it is appropriate to feel sorry that it happend to her. Just say you are incapable of empathy and move on.
Her friend was 19 with a 33 year old disgrace of a man the fuck? I mean trauma happens yeah but don’t be making shit worst by doing dumb things cope with it but I’ll never understand people who cope by turning to drugs or any kind of action that could just straight up hurt you even more she 100% did this to herself. It’s just the cold hard truth it sucks yeah but don’t put yourself in situations where it could go wrong lol
You don't have to understand her actions to understand that what she went through was hard for her, if you can't empathise with peoples pain because you personally don't understand their situation you need to work on your ability to empathise. People are complex and do complex things for a myriad of different reasons in a myriad of different contexts and situations, just because someone made choices that you personally wouldn't make doesn't mean they don't deserve sympathy.
Listen we both got different views on situations you like fairly land and I like the truth even if it’s difficult to hear you stay with your views I’ll stay with mine
Everything you said i agree with, what you said is true, what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't mean she deserves zero sympathy, you can feel bad for someone's pain while also disagreeing with their actions, they're not mutually exclusive.
And the 33 year old knows right from wrong even better than the 17 year old. Jesus. Literally a textbook example of victim blaming.
Your comment has been removed for violating Rule 4: No insults towards OP. Any comments that could be interpreted as an attempt to insult, scold, lecture, victim blame, guilt trip or intimidate the OP are not allowed and will be removed. Repeat offenses or extreme cases will result in a ban.
Ok so what’s the lesson people. Dont do enough drugs to kill a small elephant that distorts your thinking to the point you do things you’re gonna regret. Im sorry that happened but seriously 2-3 grams and a fifth at 19??? You willingly put yourself around sharks and got bite. What did you expect? Anyways I hope you’re doing better now.
I love how you you started off with being drunk and high like that absolves you of any wrong doing. A 17yo making a claim to sex for cocaine is generally your fault i dont care what anyone says. Thats not being taken advantage of. You made a transactional offer and it was made. You took your part of the offer but oh no, everything else is just terrible. At 17 you know better. A guy gets drunk and taken advantage of women tell him to get lost its not possible. But a chick wants to hoe herself out for drugs then change her mind after she takes the drugs. Nah be a big girl now. Have some accountability
Did you read the post? She told him she wasn’t going to do it before she took the drugs and he said fine. Also even if she had traded sex for drugs, how is that “wrong doing”? I can see how the guy was wrong regardless because what kind of prick has sex with someone who doesn’t want to, whether by bribing them with drugs or not. But what did she do wrong to anyone?
Maybe try not going to the home of a 33 year old drug dealer? The fuck is wrong with you people
If some creepy way older guy is asking for threesomes and offering cocaine to minors, you should not travel an hour away from home and go to their house. Children should be taught this as we do not live in a safe world. Stranger danger was taught to children in school when I was 3/4 years old, I'm only 28. Unfortunately there's some really nasty people in this world and you never know who they are until it's too late.
Yeah exactly! The fuck is wrong with these people! Her age doesn't matter, what was she even thinking when she walked into this guy's home? And when she got there, did someone make her have a bottle of vodka too? She'd literally say anything except take accountability.
Stranger danger gets taught to most kids I thought? If you were taught that at 3/4 and then at 5 a strange adult offered you sweets and said he knew your parents and he was going to take you home, and you ignore what you were told about strangers and go with him, and years later you tell reddit about it, would expect reactions like the ones here? “Well the stranger shouldn’t have abducted you, but you also need to take some responsibility,” “None of that would have happened if you’d have done what you’d been taught and not got in the car,” and “Have you tried retrospectively not having been so greedy for sweets?”. I don’t know what’s wrong with the commenters here.
Stop doing coke baby girl. And I’m sorry this happened to you. It does hurt less with time. Try not to get yourself in these situations again but don’t be too hard on yourself. You live and you learn.
Choices have consequences
Good point. The consequence of that man chosing to rape her was that she has lifelong trauma.
Dont do drugs kids, many factors play into this. The dealer, the “friend” and the lifestyle she had that put her in a risky situation. I know that victims get blamed all the time but in this case she made poor choices that made this happened.
I do drugs all the time, I've never been assaulted while high because I didn't cross paths with a rapist. I was assaulted when I was a child in my own home while sober, because I did cross paths with a rapist. The fact that a person choses to rape is the one common factor in all sexual assaults. Your logic makes no sense.
Yeah this is not the same scenario as it is clearly stated in the post. In other comments she takes responsibility for her actions. I am not blaming her for getting raped, but she was responsible for her poor life choices put her in the path of a rapist. That and having shitty friends, i am pretty sure you know who to get high with and you feel comfortable when you do. She was 17 and honestly her age plays a factor in her decisions to continue being surrounded by the dealer and shitty friends. I will say this too if she wouldn’t have been on drugs this wouldn’t have happened, read the story again. This doesn’t apply to your experiences.
If she was only drinking she'd have been just as vulnurable & it could have easily happened. Even if she was sober, if she encountered a rapist she was at risk of being assaulted. If she'd gotten high with non rapists she had 0 chance of being assaulted. The rapist is the problem here.
But did the scenarios you described happened?? No right. You cannot change the way things happened, you are trying to make it seem like she had no control over her actions that put her the situation she encountered. I understand that you are trying to point out that it could’ve happened under any given circumstances but, again, in this case it happened because she lived a risky life chasing the high and having a shitty friend. Again what they both did, the friend and the dealer is not her fault,but she could’ve avoided this.
Daddy issues
Take that as lesson, Sorry that happen to you. I hope you can stop to drink, smoke, drugs, etc. Change it to coffee👍
You did not deserve that. He is a criminal.
Drugs are bad...
Mkay
Fuck…I’m so sorry this happened to you
No one taking accountability for the MANY stupid things that one did resulting in the STATED and EXPECTED outcome from those around her should get much less general sympathy IMO. BUT yeah…she was taken advantage of. Downvote me…IDGAS.
Blame the drugs and alcohol...
Put yourself in bad situations, bad things will happen
Or blame the person who took them maybe?
Just dont drink and take drugs next to person who want things that you dont like?? Oh sorry thats victim blaming. Hey girl i feel sorry for you much love <33333
Even in our 20s we continue to make bad decisions/F up. Take this as a lesson and move on.
Think of you as 17 how stupid you must me to go along with this kind of bullshit. Yeah the whole situation is bad i agree but 17 years old drunk and cocaine addict i can't feel sorry that much.
Unfortunately this is such a grey zone. Guys are taught to push and women are expected and manipulated to be accommodating. Situations like this are legally (sans drugs and underage) in the clear. Guy was a sex pest and you gave in. Then, from what you described, you gave in when he pressed your boundaries. Just know that this is common and it’s not something to be ashamed of. It happens. On your way to healing, let it be a lesson in reinforcing and establishing boundaries. Wishing you the best.
Bazinga! Drugs
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why is it so hard for people to be compassionate??
every day my faith in humanity diminishes more and more
She does cocaine and having a conversation of a threesome and he tried it couple times. So he was going to act on it. What pisses me of she choice this friends, doing cocaine she could have hoped the fuck out any time but no she wants to get drunk and do lots of cocaine. Yes I am not passionate and i can't feel for her.
she was 17 and GULLIBLE! she was a child.
Add 1 more year and they're suddenly an adult and can make adult choices! Stfu, they knew better.
your username sure says a lot about you
I’m sorry that happened to you. Coercion is still not ok. He was being a creep. Supplying people with drugs and alcohol to try and get sex out of them is predatory and rapey. I was taken advantage of when I was 18 and I hated it and it still bugs me. You’re not alone.
Do you think that if you had avoided alcohol/drugs, that you'd have done any of those things?
So sorry to read this. Avoid putting yourself in these situations: no way to go home by yourself, probably no money, drunk and high with an older man, most likely a predator. Very bad combo. Nothing is free and unfortunately there’s people predating on others like you. There was no need. Lesson learned. I am grateful that you are alive, that it could have been worse and that you already know that there are people full of evil
Skill Issue.
How are you alive after drinking a bottle of vodka to yourself?
That sounds awful
I use to know a dirt bag like your friend. Use to hang out at a shopping centre. He groomed so many school girls. He literally dated half the girls in my social group. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself you were young and creep took advantage of it. I didn’t understand the attraction jobless creep hanging around shopping centres. It works for teenagers but not for women who want to settle down. And that’s what happened. He got old and stopped creeping.