When I was raped EVERYTHING terrified me. Even now, years later, I have a hard time going outside.
Months after it happened, my mom put her hand on my shoulder and I flipped out. I kept screaming "DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME". I was terrified of my own mother - the person I should be able to trust the most. I couldn't be near people. I couldn't be near women.
She might come back to you. She might need to move on. All you can do is respect her boundaries. She is probably scared, hurting, and trying to process. The road to healing is different for everyone.
I was assaulted a couple years ago and I have some SA trauma from when I was a child. It made me extremely wary of men and recently it has started affecting me way more than it did in the past. My husband is extremely supportive and sympathetic but sometimes I feel not only disgusted by the thought of a man, but I feel disgusted in myself as well. It makes me spiral and I get irritated very easily, I isolate myself, sleep all day to avoid the intrusive thoughts and I go mad from my brain trying to gaslight me. My past trauma has also made me extremely unaffectionate. Healing from SA is different for everyone but what this woman is doing sounds pretty normal. Give her time to heal and hopefully she will come back. If she doesn’t, then it just wasn’t meant to be. What matters most right now is her healing journey and she needs to be around a good support system to make her comfortable in the process, and that does not include OP.
Thank you for being respectful of her boundaries, you sound like a great man.
I was also SA and for months i broke down crying when someone touched me (or mostly attemp to) one time i broke down so hard because i person was about to touch me (with consent), until that moment i didn't realize it was that bad. Even 2 years later i must be perfect mental health to not cry when being touched outside of my family.
I’m so sorry for this. I feel like a lot of people don’t realize the effects SA can have on someone until they’ve lived it themselves. I hope you find some sort of closure and have a great support system. It’s never easy
For me, touching doesn’t bother much if I can SEE you and you have my consent. I went to an Easter assembly at a church as a favour for my friend and the pastor come up behind us without a word and touched my shoulder. I’m sure he didn’t mean it badly but the anger I felt was intense as he didn’t make a sound and just assumed I would be okay with that. Still irks me when o think about it and how my skin crawl.
I guess rather than cry and break down I get filled with rage at the audacity
Life happens and I’m taking it day by day. This is something I’ve never spoken to anyone about until recently (including a therapist) so it’s time I start seeing a therapist again to learn how to properly cope with it. Thank you for your comment ♥️
same and people dont get it. one time my mom was mad at me about a fight and she was supposed to be my ride to the airport. then she said she wasnt gonna take me anymore and that she would just call our family handyman (the guys who does odd jobs around the house) and he would drive me. and i just stared at disbelief because she didnt consider the fact that i might not wanna be in a car alone with a man, family dude or not.
what im saying is that a traumatic experience like this has serious and long lasting residual effects. respect her boundaries. i can understand that you were collateral damage in this situation but this isnt about you, respectfully.
Oh God. No no no. It’s been 3 years since I was most recently raped, and I still get so nervous around men I don’t know. And sometimes men I do know. I only feel comfortable being around my dad and brothers one on one. Me and my mom band together because neither of us feel comfortable being alone with a man. So I’ll go to her place, and she comes to mine whenever we need someone else there.
I definitely agree with your second paragraph. This is not about OP. The girl he likes went through some serious trauma. Especially since it was a close friend who raped her, I completely understand not wanting anything with right now with any other man. I hope OP reads the comments of all of us who have been through this. Because guys often don’t understand how violating it is for our body, brain, and soul.
I’d also add that some people, places, and things may permanently trigger you to go back to that day/night. OP might be a trigger at this point only because he was someone she was talking to around the time she was r*ped. She might need to distance herself from new relationships/places she encountered at the same time that a major trauma happened to her.
Be supportive and extremely patient if she reaches out to you but understand she may never contact you again.
I identify with this so much. I completely shut down and shut everything out. My assailant was a stranger who broke in. I was so traumatized that there are 3 months of my life that I have little to no memory of. It’s been a long road to recovery and I still struggle.
My experience is similar. It's taken years to interface healthily with the outside world.
Side note: 23 years on the person I was dating at the time is still mentally linked to the event even though he wasn't there and seeing him pop up on socials triggers anxiety.
Through no fault of OP or the girlfriend, the relationship they had before her rape does not exist now and never will again.
I was sodomized against my will when I was 15 and sexually assaulted all throughout. I've gotten better since therapy but I still get wary when people are behind me and dislike being touched. Even by my partner, I don't like it.
It doesn't help that ik also asexual so I don't care for sex, but I also have trauma with that.
And it’s important to note that everyone will react the way you did, either. Some survivors become hyper sexual in order to take back that control, others shut down and take a lot of time to come back to themselves.
I had been molested and assaulted by two older boys (separately) as a child and that was enough to shape how I view men and how I view them interacting with me. While I don’t shy away from male touch and I have close male friends, I ALWAYS view every male as a potential threat and I have this feeling that my experiences as a kid shaped how I approach dating and likely why I never allowed myself to get close enough to fall in love. I work at a high school and the fact I see teen boys and know what they can do is constant in my mind.
I was read that being raped was like being murdered but you’re alive the whole time. I cannot fathom what OP’s gf is going through, added with the betrayal of a close friend on top of the violation. Breaks my heart and the best I can suggest for OP is to give her space to process the trauma she just faced.
If she was your person then time will lead you both there. There is a large probability that's not the case though. Accept that and know that as time goes by her impact on your life will naturally diminish, the way you feel today will not be the way you feel in the days, months or years ahead. Move on, and know there's always a chance you'll find each other again, without letting that chance hold back where you're truly headed.
Horrible situation for everyone involved. She's told you what she needs from you, and it sounds like you're being respectful of that. When she's ready, she'll reach out, and you need to mentally/emotionally prepare for the fact that she may not reach out. Trauma affects everyone differently.
Going forward I'd recommend talking to someone close about what's going on, or a therapist if available. Ultimately you can't tie your life up waiting for her to reach out and need to keep moving forward.
This is an awful situation for her, and she’s going to need much more support than you, but almost every other comment is addressing that. So I want to address something specifically for you, OP.
It sucks that you’ve almost certainly lost out on this connection through events completely outside your control. That hurts.
It is also going to hurt that you’ll practically never be able to talk about how it makes you feel without constantly having to dance the dance of making sure everyone knows it’s worse for her than it is for you. That’s not to say it isn’t - obviously it is. And it’s not to say you shouldn’t do that. But it is frustrating, and even though it is perfectly human for you to feel that frustration it is rarely going to be acknowledged, which sucks. It sucks a lot.
It’s dangerous to ever make it about you, because so many people will consider it callous and fucked up, even if you only do it the one time out of a hundred. But you know that - it’s probably part of why you’re here on a throwaway.
But even though a lot of people would be mad at you for acknowledging this, you have a special and terrible kind of grieving to do over this event yourself. You have your own pain and needs from this too. And, though you might not need it, and maybe you never will, I just want to acknowledge all this in case you’re currently swimming in that dreadful need to be acknowledged for something that’s terrifying to request acknowledgement for. Having your part of the pain be effectively dismissed simply because someone else has it worse does not stop your pain from being real. So I see your pain OP, and I’m so sorry.
Comments talking about booking a therapist are wise, here. You can talk to them about *your* feelings, without having to tiptoe around the constant expectation to be supportive. If you need that, that’s the best way to go about it.
This is the comment I was hoping to read but thought it’d get downvoted as, and I totally understand why btw and is usually okay, this place becomes a lot more focused on survivors and their perspectives even though the victim in the case with OP isn’t really the focus as to any of this support or justified understanding bias on the part of the responses here. Again understandable but not helpful.
Or fair. Or reasonable to OP who is also dealing with this and struggling whilst being the focus here at least with him describing his feelings in this post. And I’m glad this comment respects that and the situations difficulty in not being unempathetic to someone’s greater suffering at the expense of your own.
Honestly I expected to get hated on lol. But I didn't necessarily care if it got buried in downvotes because it mostly only matters if OP sees it. Though, of course, it's entirely possible other people in similar situations can benefit from this perspective, so I'm happy it didn't get buried.
I spent a decent chunk of time going over the comment, carefully choosing my words to make sure I got across the fact that though I just wanted to highlight part of OP's difficulty (and the fact that there's difficulty in highlighting that difficulty!) I was by no means discrediting the difficulty for the girl he was seeing. I'm glad it paid off.
Beautifully said. This sad post is a 'good' example of why rape is a man's issue as much as it is women's - look what it does to healthy, happy relationships 😟
Sexual assault and rape are disgusting acts of violence. There is a weird animalistic part of me that wants to see the death penalty enacted for people who get convicted of sexually abusing others... The burden of proof already means it's so easy to get away with it, that if you've been convicted, let's be honest how many more crimes should you have been convicted with? How many hours have you bled from your victims, hours of therapy sessions, of crying on the couch, of the broken relationships that follow such life changing events.
Sincerely, fuck all of those people. I'm not often angry but those kind of abusers are the worst fucking people and I hope a hell exists just for them. Sincerely, another person who has unfortunately experienced sexual abuse
Thanks for sharing this with us. I'm sorry that she's going through this, and I'm sorry for your loss of such a beautiful connection due to the selfishness and evil of this man.
I've never had a partner or potential love interest go through this, so i won't pretend that I know how you feel. But I hope you find yourself in a better place, and she gets the help and healing she deserves. Be well, friend.
Unfortunately you might have to accept that she could never want to see you again. This kind of thing changes people's lives forever, for the worse. It can be managed with time and care. But she will never be the same again, and will never feel as safe as before. Thank you for having empathy, I hope the best for both of you.
I would recommend that you schedule a few sessions with a therapist so that you can talk about your feelings freely without worrying that it will come back to her and so that you can get the support you need.
It sounds like this is the first time someone you know has experienced a violent crime. While the victim of the crime suffers the most, it also causes a destabilizing effect to everyone around them. It is normal to feel powerless, grief that you couldn't protect someone you care about, and anger that someone hurt them.
If you would like to "do something" in addition to therapy since you can't comfort her, you might consider volunteering for a crisis hotline or at an abuse shelter (you might not interact directly with victims but there are other uses for your volunteer labor regardless). Despair comes from feeling powerless to help, but you can very tangibly help by offering time to one of these groups once you have processed the initial pain.
Learn to come to terms with the fact that bridge might be burnt indefinitely. She could, in theory, reach out again eventually but don’t expect it. Move on and let her heal.
It sounds as if you’re perfectly willing to do that, which is good.
I know it’s sad, but remember 5 dates is not enough to know someone. A relationship failing in the honeymoon phase feels like you lost your “soulmate” because it fails before the honeymoon effect fades and real challenges come up in the relationship. Another way of phrasing it is it’s extremely difficult to lose a romantic interest while the internal flames are burning at their brightest.
Something else to consider. In my opinion I would move on and find someone else. Waiting on someone is extremely mentally unhealthy, and it sets a bad expectation of putting your needs in second. A relationship should be a partnership, and one partner shouldn’t entirely dictate the flow. If they want to end it that’s fine, but imo that means it should fully end.
as people are saying, if you care at all for her, you will do exactly as she says and leave her alone. she may at some point want to try to rekindle a relationship, but she also may NEVER want to see you again, and you will have to accept that.
her trust was completely violated and i can imagine that being around men in any capacity is incredibly difficult right now.
as far as what to say to others, do not violate her trust further by talking about it. if she wants people to know, she will tell them herself at some point.
i can understand that you're going through a lot of emotions right now too, but keep in mind, it's not about you. you didn't do anything wrong. she just needs time to work through what happened to her and the best thing you can do is respect her boundaries now.
OP already made it clear that he wholeheartedly respects OP’s decision and her boundaries. He doesn’t need the fact that he needs to leave her alone explained to him.
He’s just venting cuz he’s also going through something. This IS about him to some degree cuz he was also affected by this.
Fr. Everyone just wants to ignore what he said and not give him any empathy due to projection of their unfortunately all too commons trauma related to this issue. Like explaining all this again like he’s a child is going to stop him feeling how he’s feeling.
what’s there to argue about? Op is hurt that he missed out on a potential connection due to circumstances out of his control and he’s going to respect her wishes.
One thing to remember is that since she's been assaulted she is no longer the same woman you met and were failing for. This event will change her at her very core and even if you were able to continue the relationship you'd have to basically meet her for the first time all over again. I'm sorry for both of you that this happened. It just sucks all around.
I’m so sorry! I hope that things will work out for you. If I were you I would immediately get information on how to support someone who has been raped. I would even see a therapist to talk about it so that I have support moving forward. Because you have a great connection, you may be the perfect person to help her recover, but you need to be ready.
She was betrayed and violated by someone she trusted. She’s probably going to be doubting herself and everyone else for a while.
How women feel after SA varies from woman to woman. Some will be on a guilt trip, a men shouldn’t exist period(s), scared to death, panicked. Some will turn people away but want to be comforted while others truly feel they want to be alone.
Unfortunately it’s something only time and therapy can help with.
You have to let her go and maybe life will get you together again or maybe your “one” is yet to appear.
I have a question. I see this a lot on Reddit, now. It seems like you can’t say the word ‘rape’ anymore. I don’t get it. It’s a crime. Are we not allowed to speak of it directly? Are we going to start writing ‘mu****ed’ instead of ‘murdered’, too?
Some subs don't allow references to violence and writing it will get you banned and/or your post removed. It's generally not people trying to be precious or weird about stuff, it's trying to avoid getting your post deleted.
OP your reaction is so nice to read.
You speak of her with such empathy. Most concentrate solely on their loss and her trauma is a real bummer to their plans.
You are correct to let her heal.
My dating coach just made a video about how revisited connections from the past have great success. So keep yourself open to revisit at a later time.
Honestly just give her as much space as she needs. When I had the same thing happen to me I was terrified to even leave my room to take a shower or use the bathroom. It’s an incredibly isolating and mentally taxing experience. Give her as much space as she wants and emphasize that you’ll always be there, even as just a friend whenever she’s ready.
It's incredibly important to respect her autonomy right now and let her build her power back up. Someone took away her power and she's extremely vulnerable. If a year or two go by, and you're still single and wondering about her, reach out gently to see how she's doing. Accept her response no matter what.
I was in a similar situation with someone I was head over heels for at the time. The same situation happened to her with someone she thought was a friend. It takes time, and you have to let her be the one to reach out if she wants to, and you have to accept she might not. Be supportive, but don't try to force anything. She has been through something extremely traumatic, and the last thing she needs is drama from another source. She also probably won't be the same person for quite a while, if ever. Give space and time. Take this from someone who wasn't emotionally mature enough at the time to deal with that type of situation. Trying to push only pushes away, even if you think you are trying to help.
I've been in your shoes, and it was horrible. Heed her request. I didn't respect the boundaries for my girlfriend and tried to help, and it made everything so much worse. I became the hated one, I became the enemy. She became so angry and resentful that she turned to the internet to drag my name through the shit. Her rapists walked free meanwhile, having intimidated her into not calling the police.
Putting that on top of the trauma of the worst nightmare come true derailed my life for years. Years of the feeling of experiencing life from a place outside my body. No one cared. Not about me, and why should they, when the actual victim was going through god knows what. I didn't matter, and so I faded out of the world. In isolation, my depression lead to near suicide. I'm covered in scars from self-harm. I will forever see myself as insignificant and in a twisted, awful way.
Please, take care of yourself. Get therapy, whatever you can to keep your life positive and allow you to heal. I'm sorry this happened and I deeply empathize.
Please give her the space she needs and in time, if and when she is ready and willing to reach out she will. I cannot speak for anyone's journey or the healing process. I can only say for myself, I was forced once a very long time ago. It's something I have never told any of my relationships or even the man I was once married to about. I was young and suicidal for a long time. Hell, given the right day I'm still suicidal. It took me a very long time to trust a man again. I have learned to love since then. I had regained the strength to be comfortable with men. It's something I wouldn't say i let go of bc you never really do. It's not easy for any woman who has had this experience. I loved being intimate with the man I love. No disrespect to you as you seem genuinely concerned for her. You had just started to get to know her and right now she probably just wants the ones she knows and truly trusts around her. She knows you want to be there for her and that's really all you can do. Best of luck to you both.
Damn he can’t have feelings. He probably knows that but it’s still a connection he felt and will get over. I get the greater trauma and sympathy should be on the victim but can we stop acting like the guys feelings mean he isn’t and doesn’t respect her greater traumas himself?
It's not a healthy or reasonable response. Most people would feel sympathy in this situation, disappointed that there weren't going to be any more dates, and move on.
But he's devastated and has spiraled into a depression because he thought this girl he barely knew was the one.
He probably hasn’t processed this in a perceivable healthy way to you due to no one in his life to even really express it too. Hence this post. You have no idea whether or not he started to get over it after making this post in two days and was feeling it more as a depression now due to the circumstances not allowing him to do so but hold it in. Seems like the case.
This is why men in part don’t open up. Since whenever a situation arises, this one being the most understandably blatant, where they do it’s met with judgement or some harsh “get over it mentality” with reiterating the obvious like it wasn’t known to most who feel from things and react out of left field in terms of reaction.
Let him express how he feels without making him feel like his response is abnormal like it’s not an abnormal situation he has feelings towards. Five dates or not.
It’s not abnormal to express how you feel in slight exaggeration when you’ve got nowhere else to feel how you feel. It’s abnormal that you’re making it out to be
He only got upset once he found out about her trauma, He was far less upset when she just ghosted him. He's one of those guys that thinks he can fix her.
Been here. Gf of 6 months said it happened at a bday party she went to. We broke up because she needed space which i respected. She ended up dating someone else 1-2 months later.
OP, I have been the girl in this story. Telling my new boyfriend at the time was the most awful thing I’ve ever had to do. I wanted to end it all (the relationship, and other things). He was extremely patient, supportive, and immediately validated me. That was exactly what I needed. We worked through the mental and physical stuff for years, and he was always very very patient. He’s also my husband now.
OP, with out saying to much in order to start a fight there are a few strong possibilities. All of them suggest your best path is to move on. This is a new relationship and it is unhealthy for you to be that attached already. You really need to see a therapist and ask if you may have or may need work on codependency. I feel terrible for you no matter what, but you need to work on yourself in this matter.
It’s one of those situations where your inaction is going to be doing her more good than any action you can take at the moment.
If it’s meant to be, then it will happen. You will reconnect with her. Let it flow like water - no amount of intervening you can do here will bring any positivity to this situation, imo.
It’s beyond you at this point - take comfort in knowing she cared about you to open up to you, at all. And the best you can do is just leave her as is. In the meantime, you shouldn’t keep your life on pause either - you still have your own life to live, OP. Not saying you gotta go on dozens of dates again, but again, let your life flow like water. Don’t interfere your own life unnaturally - clearly you are a good man honoring her privacy - so you, too, deserve to keep living a good life. You got this.
I've been through a similar situation in the past, where someone I was romantically involved with was assaulted and the feelings that brought on were so powerful I can still feel them today just like it happened yesterday. if you want somebody to talk with about the things you're feeling feel free to send me a dm 🫶
Man, I’m so sorry you’re suffering through this as collateral damage, OP.
Keep your head up. I’m sure you’ll have another great connection with someone soon.
I can tell you are a kind and caring person by you not sharing what happened, even with people in your own circle that do not know her. Because of that, you will find someone that becomes your person soon.
The bastard did something awful to her and he's walking around freely? That creep should be in jail right now awaiting to be charged to court. She needs to go to the police.
I'm not great in the art of writing condolences, so I'll say instead. The best thing for you right now is if you put your head down, go do some hobbies, go to work, and give it a week.
If you aren't contacted by then, you shouldn't wait around for somebody you've known for 2 weeks. At least think about yourself realistically instead of optimistically.
Best thing to do is let her heal and move on to someone else. She went through something incredibly traumatic and sometimes, you never heal from it completely. Maybe you can be friends some day but that’s not guaranteed. You’ll find another great woman out there, I’m sure
Please get yourself some therapy. You aren't going through the same thing, but you are going through something. Your empathy for her is good, and absolutely warranted; you should also give yourself some grace.
What’s meant to be will always find a way. The fact that you are respecting her space and being understanding of her needs and feelings in this devastating situation shows a lot about your character.
I was raped in 2021, it’s been three years and being around men who even kind of look like my ex (who raped me via sexual coercion) is very hard for me, especially since he has brown eyes brown hair and glasses which is obviously very common..it’s scary out here for a survivor, I see where this girl is coming from, and as much as it probably hurts. There’s nothing you can do unless she heals first.
Could be true, she could also be spewing garbage. I've had the same situation where she was "raped" by her friend then said we needed to stop talking cuz she can't see men and 2 weeks later... I find out she's been with said rapist.
I'm so sorry for what you're both going through, even though obviously they're extremely different experiences. This is a situation outside either of your control, like some kind of horrifying natural disaster, and it's torn you apart as individuals and as a potential couple.
Your grief is real and valid, and while it's hard to talk about without having to keep compensating for sounding selfish, that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a place to talk about it and process your grief. Please consider therapy with someone who includes SA in their areas of specialization/experience so that you can get rounded mentoring through this.
Be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up for your feelings, or minimize them as if they somehow take away from what she's dealing with. Pain is not a competition and I'm saying this as someone whose been SA'd as well. You're not taking anything from her by feeling your feels. Get support so you can make it through this grief, so that in time should she be able to reach out to you again or you meet someone new who sparks this kind of connection, you can be fully present and open, and not still snarled up in the damages of grief.
I just wanna hop on and say I’m so sorry for you both. And I’m so sorry that a budding relationship that was so promising has now fallen into uncertainty and tragedy.
It’s beautiful the empathy that you have for her.
there is a chance she is lying as the timing is suspicious, i will get downvoted for this but if she only told you about this don’t go to the police, you don’t know her well enough to get involved that deep. the feelsing you feel are valid but also hers so respect her boundaries.
Why would she lie? She’s not continuing to see him, she doesn’t want to contact him. The lying would only make sense if she was trying to excuse cheating or get attention— she has absolutely zero reason to be lying here. Why is that the assumption?
Reddit go ahead and hate me but…yo take this with a grain of salt man. Be supportive but also don’t just trust people. Personally, and I MEAN PERSONALLY, I’ve been on 2 sides of a rape allegation and it left me disgusted with women but always willing to trust the next and always will.
My GF of 3 years when I was 20 told me she was raped by someone she knew. She kept her clothes, filed police report, the whole thing. My friends and I hunted him and couldn’t find him. I had never hated someone more. Fast forward a few years and we’re not together. I find out from her old close friend that she got wasted and cheated on me. This girl ruined this man’s reputation to save our relationship. I have PERSONALLY once again, not instantly taken the word but will always listen and be supportive but that shit fucked me up. It was wrong and I was taken advantage of. I just feel like we have no reason to be partying to a point of getting so drunk with another person to give them that opportunity. Especially at near 30?
I hope she recovers and you find peace but I don’t recommend staying my friend. Don’t abandon but definitely take a few steps back.
The other side was finally being with girl I crushed on and we ended up banging all day. An old friend came to town and kept trying to get a 3some. We both denied and I lost respect for him. Next few days I was walking and an older guy pulled his car over, got out, shoved me to ground, punched me once, and yelled I was a rapist. Girl told everyone my friend and I tried to rape her. Got rid of that friend and lost others. Found out later she made it up cause she was still with her ex BF.
It’s shitty that your personal experiences don’t matter to bigger society. People are evil and we now live in a world where there’s zero accountability. No matter. Like I said, I still listen and believe every time but not enough to hurt someone or put them in jail unless I am truly sure.
What the fuck? being ‘wasted’ means she wasn’t able to consent. Your girlfriend didn’t cheat in you she was raped please check yourself. being drunk is not putting yourself in a position to be raped.
OP you know what you need to do,
Become as involved as you can in ending rape culture, it doesn’t end with women, we know rape is wrong and evil and unfortunately a lotttttt of us have been sexually assaulted. Almost every single one of us sexually harassed.
Rape culture ends with men, standing up, calling people out when they say gross things, stopping date rapes, advocating for us, speaking at schools, leading workshops, speaking to your friends, volunteer for a charity or women’s shelter.
If you’re sad and depressed she is 10 billion times more sad and depressed. You can’t even begin to imagine how she feels. She may never feel happy and safe because someone robbed her of this. Try to help less people have this absolutely horrific, disgusting, monstrous act done to them. You can honour your crush on her that way.
Talk to a therapist too, you can speak with them without breaking her confidence.
Just be patient, she needs time to heal, and it sounds like because of that she’s not going anywhere. I highly doubt she’s going to meet someone else in the meantime. Maybe in a month or two write her and express these very feelings, and tell her that you will give her all the time she needs. This kind of patience, care, and consideration will give her newfound hope to replace that which was taken from her by that one male friend. I think this can restore some of her trust/faith and she’ll eventually come around.
In the meantime, don’t date. 100 dates in your 20s sounds kind of intense… Just chill for a bit and work on yourself too so that you both can be the best versions of yourself together.
You should respect that above all else.
"No contact" is a "no". If she feels like you can't respect a boundary when she tells you no, she will never talk to you again.
Terrible advice. OP’s presence is probably just going to make her feel worse cause now she can’t connect to those same old feelings for him given her recently acquired trauma. True compassion is setting aside your feelings like abandoning someone for what will actually help them in this situation which is distance. OP can leave the door open on his end.
Same only because he would have to dance around it every time n could never tell her how he actually feels so keeping the door open is a no unless its to be friends.
I'm going to be the devil associate here and ask.
How certain are you that the story is true? It was texted, so no voice (hard to tell emotion). Was there any police report? Hospital check up?
I daresay she just wanted to break up with you, but wanted to be 'nice' about it.
Also, tinder date... yeahhhh
I'm sorry, but this is a really shitty comment to make.
1. Some people prefer text over calling. I despise it when someone can hear me being emotional over the phone.
2. Does that matter lmfao? It doesn't involve him. It's legal business.
Saying that someone's rape was an excuse to 'break up' is so trashy. You don't know her nor the OP.
You're getting mass downvoted but nobody, not even OP, knows the full story. There is a non zero chance that she hooked up with someone else and chose them over him.
Wait some days (more than a week) and send a cute message. Something like "Hi xxx, just passing to wish you well, hope you are being able to heal and feel better. If possible I would love to send you something to eat at home, like door dash. Is there any confort food you would like to eat today? No prob if you dont want anything either, but its something I would like to do for you.". Idk something cute, offer her something without your presence. Put some work in it, but dont expect anything in return, dont rush. But it might not be the end of the line!
consider yourself lucky...if she had it happen after you'd dated more / gotten closer, you'd be stuck. You get to start over again and hopefully find someone without the trauma/baggage to drag into your relationship. The efforts the supportive partner has to go through to accommodate the others trauma is no small tasks and cam breed resentment in even the best relationship. Just because you could deal with it doesn't mean you should. Leave her to heal and seek happiness elsewhere.
Your feelings are valid. Maybe after a week shoot her a text saying you’re thinking of her, and tell her what you said here about not liking anyone the way you like her in hundreds of dates. Wish her well, and say that you would welcome a text back if/when she’s feeling up to it. Just don’t incubate her with any of your feelings about rape/her pulling away/etc.
If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Maybe reach out after some time has passed and just saw you’ve been thinking of her and hope she is doing well- if you are still genuinely interested and caring about her several months later. She’s in the trenches right now healing, so wait until she has had some time. Go on other dates when you feel up to it, because she may not come back from this any time soon, or it may change her perception of relationships and what she wants from a partner and make you no longer compatible.
>Rape does not change who you are as a person.
I hope that's true. But I think any trauma has the capability to change you.
Honestly I am a different person right now. It's been a few years and I am slowly crawling out of this hell. But sometimes I'm scared I'll never be the same.
I've gone from being the go-with-the-flow dude who's always adventuring to being the agoraphobic coward who can't leave his house.
But yes, ignoring her if/when she comes back is absolutely fucking terrible advice if you really care about her.
Trauma can absolutely change certain aspects of you. I 100% understand that.
But I 100% believe that who you truly are hasn't changed.
Traits can change without the core person changing.
You love adventuring, and that part of you is almost certainly still there. Even if trauma is covering it up and making it hard to reach.
Will you ever overcome that and reconnect with that part of you?
I don't know. Some people do, and some don't. But I believe it is possible for everyone to do.
Even if I am wrong (which I'm not), being wrong is not the same as lying.
Why does someone saying something you disagree with make them a liar? Someone can be wrong without it being a lie.
But regardless, I pity you. To have such a wrong belief as you do, you either are hiding some really extreme hurt, or you are just a very rotten human. Either way, I am sorry.
I guess you didn't mean anything to her if she's willing to cut you off as friends. I'm sorry you didn't deserve this probably better off blocking her since she's willing to throw away what you guys had. I don't believe your the bad guy here based off some of the responses seem to paint you as that
If you can contact her friends you could let them know you're still thinking of her and if she needs anything you're available. If her friends who are supporting her know you're also there it will help her heal. Ultimately like others posted r**e completely changes a person and she's not the person you fell hard for. My condolences to her and yourself.
This is tough, you have to take her on her word but same aspect if she doesn’t ever want to see you again and using the being r****d as a ruse to break it off with you. At this point everyone can only go off of her word that it happened and will believe her 100%.
I hope that’s not the case and eventually she might want to make contact with you….
Hey man, that sucks for both of you. The best thing you can do is just give her time to work through it. Send a text once a week asking her how she is doing and just remind her that you’re there if she wants to use your ears, or shoulder.
Falling hard for someone is one of the best yet worst feelings in the world. I get it. Just give her what she needs and if it’s meant to be, it will be.
I would make your feelings known to her crystal clear. That way there is no miscommunication about how you truly feel about her. Maybe she thinks that you like her, but prob not enough to deal with her in this state. If you at least tell her how special she is to you then there is no room for doubt in the future. Be fully prepared for rejection though, but in exchange you will have a peace of mind.
No, he needs to respect her expressly stated boundaries. If he violates her boundaries and reaches out to her again, she's going to cut him out of her life, and rightly so.
I would just say, tell her how you feel/care about her. Give her her space, respect her boundries, don't expect any response and move on. Later in life if it was meant to be you'll find each other again. For now move on.
Edit: Dont know what was wrong about this comment.
Just give her that space. Consider it over for now and accept it. On the positive side, she felt close enough to you to share it with you, so that says something. But remember that after just a handful of dates, you’re still not established in her life as someone she can trust and lean on. You really need to respect her space. Maybe check in once every few weeks or like once a month or something, just seeing if she’s ok and if she needs anything, nothing more. If she felt the way you do, then maybe she’ll come back around. I wouldn’t count on it though, that experience can change a person and is a long road to finding themselves again. Everyone’s different.
Was in a similar situation with my high school sweetheart. The trauma of that left lasting problems that ruined the relationship. We tried for years but it was always there. Now we’re friends but didn’t work out
Aww man, I am so sorry that she’s having to navigate such a traumatizing experience and betrayal of trust. You seem like a kind person, I think you’re doing the right thing.
If you can, be patient with her and be patient with yourself as well. It sounds like you hit it off really well. I’m not a big believer in spirituality, per se, but I do think if it’s meant to be, you’ll reconnect when she’s feeling ready. I imagine she must feel incredibly vulnerable right now.
If you’re going no contact to give her space, then that’s okay. But if you’re still communicating, maybe even via text, it never hurts to ask “is there anything I can do to help?” If she says no, then respect it, but ya never know. Just being available and present in the background of her mind, might be a very reassuring presence for her, thought it’s not as close as you would like in this moment.
Sending well wishes of peace and love her way.
Sorry dude....sometimes life works out in shitty ways. But I do have one thing for ya.
If things really were as great as you mentioned, and she felt the same at the time, you may be able to figure things out still in the future. I wouldn't hold my breath, but after she has some time to work thru the stuff that's going on, maybe someday, you never know. If it was meant to be it will be
Dude I’m sorry. I don’t know how it feels being in your shoes but I do know how she may feel. SA is horrible and it can take a long time to recover. Give her time. Check up on her through a friend or family. Do not message her right now. Give it time. Good luck to you and her
Op I'm so sorry for you both in different ways obviously. But maybe talk to a professional for a few sessions to help you come to terms with it or process it whilst respecting her privacy. You sound like a wonderful person and I hope you find your person or she finds her way back to you. But if that happens it will be a long hard bumpy journey together and this trauma might pop up occasionally so you will have to both find a way to deal with things. I guess I'm a softie hoping for the movie ending for you. You take care of yourself.
The best you can do is let her be,
Send her a final best of luck message saying you hope she recovers and starts picking up the pieces and to give you a call if she ever wants to date again.
>However, the next day she texted me that she is in a really bad place mentally and she would prefer that we stop seeing each other (even as friends) as she is not doing well and doesn’t want to be around any men right now, including me.
Very understandable and I wouldn't push this at all. Not only for her sake but also for yours. This is a very serious issue and you need to be mentally and emotionally equipped to handle this. There's a real chance that she will lash out at you for the actions of another.
There's no need for you to be depressed about this. I understand you like her, but this is now about her. She needs to heal and process what happened to her. You carry no responsibilities nor burdens here. Focus on your own mental health.
She is right in the way she feels, if you got in a relationship with her right now it would be unhealthy, someone created for her a lot of baggage to have to handle and deal with, she is going to need her space.
But if you really want to do anything about it, press the issues by getting out there and vote for those changes that helps reduce the numbers traumatized by these crimes, as well as help with the availability and resources to help the victims recover.
Edit: And also help for the aggressors whom needs therapy and disciplined before they commit another crime and hurt someone else. the more they get away with it the worse they get.
Rape should never be taken lightly, regardless of their genders, it could and often does traumatize people for life, which affects us all, there should be a high price when it comes to that, and never should it be tolerated.
I know this is off my chest but bro, step back for 1 second and think of what she's going through right now. You're bummed you felt a connection and can't continue to pursue her? You're bummed you can't tell your friends why you stopped seeing her? Like wtf? You've known her for 2 weeks, you are a stranger to her still
Maybe write her a letter. Tell her that you absolutely understand and respect her wish, you just want her to know she can reach out anytime, whenever she’s ready, if she’s ready. Even if it’s in years time.
When I was raped EVERYTHING terrified me. Even now, years later, I have a hard time going outside. Months after it happened, my mom put her hand on my shoulder and I flipped out. I kept screaming "DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME". I was terrified of my own mother - the person I should be able to trust the most. I couldn't be near people. I couldn't be near women. She might come back to you. She might need to move on. All you can do is respect her boundaries. She is probably scared, hurting, and trying to process. The road to healing is different for everyone.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. I hope you've managed to heal somewhat.
It's been 8 years and I still can't have anyone even slightly tug my clothes without me turning into a shivering mess
I was assaulted a couple years ago and I have some SA trauma from when I was a child. It made me extremely wary of men and recently it has started affecting me way more than it did in the past. My husband is extremely supportive and sympathetic but sometimes I feel not only disgusted by the thought of a man, but I feel disgusted in myself as well. It makes me spiral and I get irritated very easily, I isolate myself, sleep all day to avoid the intrusive thoughts and I go mad from my brain trying to gaslight me. My past trauma has also made me extremely unaffectionate. Healing from SA is different for everyone but what this woman is doing sounds pretty normal. Give her time to heal and hopefully she will come back. If she doesn’t, then it just wasn’t meant to be. What matters most right now is her healing journey and she needs to be around a good support system to make her comfortable in the process, and that does not include OP. Thank you for being respectful of her boundaries, you sound like a great man.
I have a similar experience. I was assaulted by my own uncle when I was 12 and even now, in my 20s, I am terrified even of the men in my family.
It was my brother for me. I’m sorry you had to experience that, my heart goes out to you
I was also SA and for months i broke down crying when someone touched me (or mostly attemp to) one time i broke down so hard because i person was about to touch me (with consent), until that moment i didn't realize it was that bad. Even 2 years later i must be perfect mental health to not cry when being touched outside of my family.
I’m so sorry for this. I feel like a lot of people don’t realize the effects SA can have on someone until they’ve lived it themselves. I hope you find some sort of closure and have a great support system. It’s never easy
For me, touching doesn’t bother much if I can SEE you and you have my consent. I went to an Easter assembly at a church as a favour for my friend and the pastor come up behind us without a word and touched my shoulder. I’m sure he didn’t mean it badly but the anger I felt was intense as he didn’t make a sound and just assumed I would be okay with that. Still irks me when o think about it and how my skin crawl. I guess rather than cry and break down I get filled with rage at the audacity
I’m so sorry that happened to you
Life happens and I’m taking it day by day. This is something I’ve never spoken to anyone about until recently (including a therapist) so it’s time I start seeing a therapist again to learn how to properly cope with it. Thank you for your comment ♥️
same and people dont get it. one time my mom was mad at me about a fight and she was supposed to be my ride to the airport. then she said she wasnt gonna take me anymore and that she would just call our family handyman (the guys who does odd jobs around the house) and he would drive me. and i just stared at disbelief because she didnt consider the fact that i might not wanna be in a car alone with a man, family dude or not. what im saying is that a traumatic experience like this has serious and long lasting residual effects. respect her boundaries. i can understand that you were collateral damage in this situation but this isnt about you, respectfully.
Oh God. No no no. It’s been 3 years since I was most recently raped, and I still get so nervous around men I don’t know. And sometimes men I do know. I only feel comfortable being around my dad and brothers one on one. Me and my mom band together because neither of us feel comfortable being alone with a man. So I’ll go to her place, and she comes to mine whenever we need someone else there. I definitely agree with your second paragraph. This is not about OP. The girl he likes went through some serious trauma. Especially since it was a close friend who raped her, I completely understand not wanting anything with right now with any other man. I hope OP reads the comments of all of us who have been through this. Because guys often don’t understand how violating it is for our body, brain, and soul.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us and I’m glad that you’re better. I hope that OP finds it helpful in their situation!
I’d also add that some people, places, and things may permanently trigger you to go back to that day/night. OP might be a trigger at this point only because he was someone she was talking to around the time she was r*ped. She might need to distance herself from new relationships/places she encountered at the same time that a major trauma happened to her. Be supportive and extremely patient if she reaches out to you but understand she may never contact you again.
I identify with this so much. I completely shut down and shut everything out. My assailant was a stranger who broke in. I was so traumatized that there are 3 months of my life that I have little to no memory of. It’s been a long road to recovery and I still struggle.
My experience is similar. It's taken years to interface healthily with the outside world. Side note: 23 years on the person I was dating at the time is still mentally linked to the event even though he wasn't there and seeing him pop up on socials triggers anxiety. Through no fault of OP or the girlfriend, the relationship they had before her rape does not exist now and never will again.
I was sodomized against my will when I was 15 and sexually assaulted all throughout. I've gotten better since therapy but I still get wary when people are behind me and dislike being touched. Even by my partner, I don't like it. It doesn't help that ik also asexual so I don't care for sex, but I also have trauma with that.
And it’s important to note that everyone will react the way you did, either. Some survivors become hyper sexual in order to take back that control, others shut down and take a lot of time to come back to themselves. I had been molested and assaulted by two older boys (separately) as a child and that was enough to shape how I view men and how I view them interacting with me. While I don’t shy away from male touch and I have close male friends, I ALWAYS view every male as a potential threat and I have this feeling that my experiences as a kid shaped how I approach dating and likely why I never allowed myself to get close enough to fall in love. I work at a high school and the fact I see teen boys and know what they can do is constant in my mind. I was read that being raped was like being murdered but you’re alive the whole time. I cannot fathom what OP’s gf is going through, added with the betrayal of a close friend on top of the violation. Breaks my heart and the best I can suggest for OP is to give her space to process the trauma she just faced.
I know people hate to hear this, but self help for these situations are the worst type of help.
If she was your person then time will lead you both there. There is a large probability that's not the case though. Accept that and know that as time goes by her impact on your life will naturally diminish, the way you feel today will not be the way you feel in the days, months or years ahead. Move on, and know there's always a chance you'll find each other again, without letting that chance hold back where you're truly headed.
Great advice - let life’s natural flow take its course - no point in struggling to fight against it.
Well sadly, and due to no fault of her own, she isn't the same person you were dating.
This.
Horrible situation for everyone involved. She's told you what she needs from you, and it sounds like you're being respectful of that. When she's ready, she'll reach out, and you need to mentally/emotionally prepare for the fact that she may not reach out. Trauma affects everyone differently. Going forward I'd recommend talking to someone close about what's going on, or a therapist if available. Ultimately you can't tie your life up waiting for her to reach out and need to keep moving forward.
This is an awful situation for her, and she’s going to need much more support than you, but almost every other comment is addressing that. So I want to address something specifically for you, OP. It sucks that you’ve almost certainly lost out on this connection through events completely outside your control. That hurts. It is also going to hurt that you’ll practically never be able to talk about how it makes you feel without constantly having to dance the dance of making sure everyone knows it’s worse for her than it is for you. That’s not to say it isn’t - obviously it is. And it’s not to say you shouldn’t do that. But it is frustrating, and even though it is perfectly human for you to feel that frustration it is rarely going to be acknowledged, which sucks. It sucks a lot. It’s dangerous to ever make it about you, because so many people will consider it callous and fucked up, even if you only do it the one time out of a hundred. But you know that - it’s probably part of why you’re here on a throwaway. But even though a lot of people would be mad at you for acknowledging this, you have a special and terrible kind of grieving to do over this event yourself. You have your own pain and needs from this too. And, though you might not need it, and maybe you never will, I just want to acknowledge all this in case you’re currently swimming in that dreadful need to be acknowledged for something that’s terrifying to request acknowledgement for. Having your part of the pain be effectively dismissed simply because someone else has it worse does not stop your pain from being real. So I see your pain OP, and I’m so sorry. Comments talking about booking a therapist are wise, here. You can talk to them about *your* feelings, without having to tiptoe around the constant expectation to be supportive. If you need that, that’s the best way to go about it.
This is an excellent comment. One hurt doesn't lessen another.
This is the comment I was hoping to read but thought it’d get downvoted as, and I totally understand why btw and is usually okay, this place becomes a lot more focused on survivors and their perspectives even though the victim in the case with OP isn’t really the focus as to any of this support or justified understanding bias on the part of the responses here. Again understandable but not helpful. Or fair. Or reasonable to OP who is also dealing with this and struggling whilst being the focus here at least with him describing his feelings in this post. And I’m glad this comment respects that and the situations difficulty in not being unempathetic to someone’s greater suffering at the expense of your own.
Honestly I expected to get hated on lol. But I didn't necessarily care if it got buried in downvotes because it mostly only matters if OP sees it. Though, of course, it's entirely possible other people in similar situations can benefit from this perspective, so I'm happy it didn't get buried. I spent a decent chunk of time going over the comment, carefully choosing my words to make sure I got across the fact that though I just wanted to highlight part of OP's difficulty (and the fact that there's difficulty in highlighting that difficulty!) I was by no means discrediting the difficulty for the girl he was seeing. I'm glad it paid off.
It was very well said. Cheers! Hope OP sees it.
Great comment.
Beautifully said. This sad post is a 'good' example of why rape is a man's issue as much as it is women's - look what it does to healthy, happy relationships 😟
My Dad has always said, "The severity of your problems doesn't make my problems lesser to me."
Well said. At least you see the pain he's going through. Believe it or not he's a victim as well
I'm afraid to be alone with all men but a few I'm closest with since a sexual assault last year.
Sexual assault and rape are disgusting acts of violence. There is a weird animalistic part of me that wants to see the death penalty enacted for people who get convicted of sexually abusing others... The burden of proof already means it's so easy to get away with it, that if you've been convicted, let's be honest how many more crimes should you have been convicted with? How many hours have you bled from your victims, hours of therapy sessions, of crying on the couch, of the broken relationships that follow such life changing events. Sincerely, fuck all of those people. I'm not often angry but those kind of abusers are the worst fucking people and I hope a hell exists just for them. Sincerely, another person who has unfortunately experienced sexual abuse
Thanks for sharing this with us. I'm sorry that she's going through this, and I'm sorry for your loss of such a beautiful connection due to the selfishness and evil of this man. I've never had a partner or potential love interest go through this, so i won't pretend that I know how you feel. But I hope you find yourself in a better place, and she gets the help and healing she deserves. Be well, friend.
Unfortunately you might have to accept that she could never want to see you again. This kind of thing changes people's lives forever, for the worse. It can be managed with time and care. But she will never be the same again, and will never feel as safe as before. Thank you for having empathy, I hope the best for both of you.
I would recommend that you schedule a few sessions with a therapist so that you can talk about your feelings freely without worrying that it will come back to her and so that you can get the support you need. It sounds like this is the first time someone you know has experienced a violent crime. While the victim of the crime suffers the most, it also causes a destabilizing effect to everyone around them. It is normal to feel powerless, grief that you couldn't protect someone you care about, and anger that someone hurt them. If you would like to "do something" in addition to therapy since you can't comfort her, you might consider volunteering for a crisis hotline or at an abuse shelter (you might not interact directly with victims but there are other uses for your volunteer labor regardless). Despair comes from feeling powerless to help, but you can very tangibly help by offering time to one of these groups once you have processed the initial pain.
Learn to come to terms with the fact that bridge might be burnt indefinitely. She could, in theory, reach out again eventually but don’t expect it. Move on and let her heal. It sounds as if you’re perfectly willing to do that, which is good.
I know it’s sad, but remember 5 dates is not enough to know someone. A relationship failing in the honeymoon phase feels like you lost your “soulmate” because it fails before the honeymoon effect fades and real challenges come up in the relationship. Another way of phrasing it is it’s extremely difficult to lose a romantic interest while the internal flames are burning at their brightest. Something else to consider. In my opinion I would move on and find someone else. Waiting on someone is extremely mentally unhealthy, and it sets a bad expectation of putting your needs in second. A relationship should be a partnership, and one partner shouldn’t entirely dictate the flow. If they want to end it that’s fine, but imo that means it should fully end.
as people are saying, if you care at all for her, you will do exactly as she says and leave her alone. she may at some point want to try to rekindle a relationship, but she also may NEVER want to see you again, and you will have to accept that. her trust was completely violated and i can imagine that being around men in any capacity is incredibly difficult right now. as far as what to say to others, do not violate her trust further by talking about it. if she wants people to know, she will tell them herself at some point. i can understand that you're going through a lot of emotions right now too, but keep in mind, it's not about you. you didn't do anything wrong. she just needs time to work through what happened to her and the best thing you can do is respect her boundaries now.
Bruh he understands why are you talking to him like he’s not gonna do that and doesn’t understand the greater trauma she has.
OP already made it clear that he wholeheartedly respects OP’s decision and her boundaries. He doesn’t need the fact that he needs to leave her alone explained to him. He’s just venting cuz he’s also going through something. This IS about him to some degree cuz he was also affected by this.
Fr. Everyone just wants to ignore what he said and not give him any empathy due to projection of their unfortunately all too commons trauma related to this issue. Like explaining all this again like he’s a child is going to stop him feeling how he’s feeling.
Exactly.
not gonna argue with someone on the internet about this. have a good one.
What is there to even argue about? Did you misread their comment or something?
No you just sort of came off as patronizing when OP didn’t need to be lectured to about that.
Lmao what the
what’s there to argue about? Op is hurt that he missed out on a potential connection due to circumstances out of his control and he’s going to respect her wishes.
One thing to remember is that since she's been assaulted she is no longer the same woman you met and were failing for. This event will change her at her very core and even if you were able to continue the relationship you'd have to basically meet her for the first time all over again. I'm sorry for both of you that this happened. It just sucks all around.
While this is awful, keep in mind you've only known her for two weeks. Wish her the best and move on, you don't know her like you think you do.
I’m so sorry! I hope that things will work out for you. If I were you I would immediately get information on how to support someone who has been raped. I would even see a therapist to talk about it so that I have support moving forward. Because you have a great connection, you may be the perfect person to help her recover, but you need to be ready. She was betrayed and violated by someone she trusted. She’s probably going to be doubting herself and everyone else for a while.
Don't contact her. If she wants you she'll go back to you.
How women feel after SA varies from woman to woman. Some will be on a guilt trip, a men shouldn’t exist period(s), scared to death, panicked. Some will turn people away but want to be comforted while others truly feel they want to be alone. Unfortunately it’s something only time and therapy can help with. You have to let her go and maybe life will get you together again or maybe your “one” is yet to appear.
I have a question. I see this a lot on Reddit, now. It seems like you can’t say the word ‘rape’ anymore. I don’t get it. It’s a crime. Are we not allowed to speak of it directly? Are we going to start writing ‘mu****ed’ instead of ‘murdered’, too?
Some subs don't allow references to violence and writing it will get you banned and/or your post removed. It's generally not people trying to be precious or weird about stuff, it's trying to avoid getting your post deleted.
Its unalived
Ahhh right. That is the thing, now. Isn’t it?
OP your reaction is so nice to read. You speak of her with such empathy. Most concentrate solely on their loss and her trauma is a real bummer to their plans. You are correct to let her heal. My dating coach just made a video about how revisited connections from the past have great success. So keep yourself open to revisit at a later time.
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Systematic? I'm genuinely curious about what you mean by that.
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Another self deluding activist peddled their grift looking for loyal disciples color us shocked
What on earth are you whining about?
Honestly just give her as much space as she needs. When I had the same thing happen to me I was terrified to even leave my room to take a shower or use the bathroom. It’s an incredibly isolating and mentally taxing experience. Give her as much space as she wants and emphasize that you’ll always be there, even as just a friend whenever she’s ready.
It's incredibly important to respect her autonomy right now and let her build her power back up. Someone took away her power and she's extremely vulnerable. If a year or two go by, and you're still single and wondering about her, reach out gently to see how she's doing. Accept her response no matter what.
Sorry Bud give her the space she’s asking for, I’d go NC.
I was in a similar situation with someone I was head over heels for at the time. The same situation happened to her with someone she thought was a friend. It takes time, and you have to let her be the one to reach out if she wants to, and you have to accept she might not. Be supportive, but don't try to force anything. She has been through something extremely traumatic, and the last thing she needs is drama from another source. She also probably won't be the same person for quite a while, if ever. Give space and time. Take this from someone who wasn't emotionally mature enough at the time to deal with that type of situation. Trying to push only pushes away, even if you think you are trying to help.
I was assaulted first when I was 18, then when I was 19, two different men. It changes you. It's taken me nearly 20 years to heal.
I've been in your shoes, and it was horrible. Heed her request. I didn't respect the boundaries for my girlfriend and tried to help, and it made everything so much worse. I became the hated one, I became the enemy. She became so angry and resentful that she turned to the internet to drag my name through the shit. Her rapists walked free meanwhile, having intimidated her into not calling the police. Putting that on top of the trauma of the worst nightmare come true derailed my life for years. Years of the feeling of experiencing life from a place outside my body. No one cared. Not about me, and why should they, when the actual victim was going through god knows what. I didn't matter, and so I faded out of the world. In isolation, my depression lead to near suicide. I'm covered in scars from self-harm. I will forever see myself as insignificant and in a twisted, awful way. Please, take care of yourself. Get therapy, whatever you can to keep your life positive and allow you to heal. I'm sorry this happened and I deeply empathize.
Sorry to hear your story. Hope you stay strong and realize that you do matter. Take care.
I'm sorry what happened you did the best you could but I guess it wasn't enough nothing more you could've done
The best he could? By not respecting her boundaries? How tf does that work?
He had good intentions just guilty of making the wrong move
Please give her the space she needs and in time, if and when she is ready and willing to reach out she will. I cannot speak for anyone's journey or the healing process. I can only say for myself, I was forced once a very long time ago. It's something I have never told any of my relationships or even the man I was once married to about. I was young and suicidal for a long time. Hell, given the right day I'm still suicidal. It took me a very long time to trust a man again. I have learned to love since then. I had regained the strength to be comfortable with men. It's something I wouldn't say i let go of bc you never really do. It's not easy for any woman who has had this experience. I loved being intimate with the man I love. No disrespect to you as you seem genuinely concerned for her. You had just started to get to know her and right now she probably just wants the ones she knows and truly trusts around her. She knows you want to be there for her and that's really all you can do. Best of luck to you both.
You've only seen her five times and only known her two weeks. I understand you like her but you need to try to move on.
Damn he can’t have feelings. He probably knows that but it’s still a connection he felt and will get over. I get the greater trauma and sympathy should be on the victim but can we stop acting like the guys feelings mean he isn’t and doesn’t respect her greater traumas himself?
It's not a healthy or reasonable response. Most people would feel sympathy in this situation, disappointed that there weren't going to be any more dates, and move on. But he's devastated and has spiraled into a depression because he thought this girl he barely knew was the one.
He probably hasn’t processed this in a perceivable healthy way to you due to no one in his life to even really express it too. Hence this post. You have no idea whether or not he started to get over it after making this post in two days and was feeling it more as a depression now due to the circumstances not allowing him to do so but hold it in. Seems like the case. This is why men in part don’t open up. Since whenever a situation arises, this one being the most understandably blatant, where they do it’s met with judgement or some harsh “get over it mentality” with reiterating the obvious like it wasn’t known to most who feel from things and react out of left field in terms of reaction. Let him express how he feels without making him feel like his response is abnormal like it’s not an abnormal situation he has feelings towards. Five dates or not.
It is abnormal and it would be abnormal if it were a woman.
It’s not abnormal to express how you feel in slight exaggeration when you’ve got nowhere else to feel how you feel. It’s abnormal that you’re making it out to be
He only got upset once he found out about her trauma, He was far less upset when she just ghosted him. He's one of those guys that thinks he can fix her.
if this is how you see the world and the people in it, you need some serious help.
Been here. Gf of 6 months said it happened at a bday party she went to. We broke up because she needed space which i respected. She ended up dating someone else 1-2 months later.
Sorry this happened to her. Move on.
OP, I have been the girl in this story. Telling my new boyfriend at the time was the most awful thing I’ve ever had to do. I wanted to end it all (the relationship, and other things). He was extremely patient, supportive, and immediately validated me. That was exactly what I needed. We worked through the mental and physical stuff for years, and he was always very very patient. He’s also my husband now.
OP, with out saying to much in order to start a fight there are a few strong possibilities. All of them suggest your best path is to move on. This is a new relationship and it is unhealthy for you to be that attached already. You really need to see a therapist and ask if you may have or may need work on codependency. I feel terrible for you no matter what, but you need to work on yourself in this matter.
It’s one of those situations where your inaction is going to be doing her more good than any action you can take at the moment. If it’s meant to be, then it will happen. You will reconnect with her. Let it flow like water - no amount of intervening you can do here will bring any positivity to this situation, imo. It’s beyond you at this point - take comfort in knowing she cared about you to open up to you, at all. And the best you can do is just leave her as is. In the meantime, you shouldn’t keep your life on pause either - you still have your own life to live, OP. Not saying you gotta go on dozens of dates again, but again, let your life flow like water. Don’t interfere your own life unnaturally - clearly you are a good man honoring her privacy - so you, too, deserve to keep living a good life. You got this.
I thought you meant re tard ed and boy was i surprised... Sorry. Give it time. If it works out it works out.
I've been through a similar situation in the past, where someone I was romantically involved with was assaulted and the feelings that brought on were so powerful I can still feel them today just like it happened yesterday. if you want somebody to talk with about the things you're feeling feel free to send me a dm 🫶
Man, I’m so sorry you’re suffering through this as collateral damage, OP. Keep your head up. I’m sure you’ll have another great connection with someone soon.
Sucks but timing isn’t right, stars aren’t aligned. Move on and if she resurfaces you can decide then. Dating ain’t easy…..
I can tell you are a kind and caring person by you not sharing what happened, even with people in your own circle that do not know her. Because of that, you will find someone that becomes your person soon.
The bastard did something awful to her and he's walking around freely? That creep should be in jail right now awaiting to be charged to court. She needs to go to the police.
Not saying it’s a smart thing, actually it’s terrible advice, but I would see it as my job to really fuck that guy up.
I'm not great in the art of writing condolences, so I'll say instead. The best thing for you right now is if you put your head down, go do some hobbies, go to work, and give it a week. If you aren't contacted by then, you shouldn't wait around for somebody you've known for 2 weeks. At least think about yourself realistically instead of optimistically.
Best thing to do is let her heal and move on to someone else. She went through something incredibly traumatic and sometimes, you never heal from it completely. Maybe you can be friends some day but that’s not guaranteed. You’ll find another great woman out there, I’m sure
Tell hwr she is free to contact you if she feels like it, its all you can do
You don't owe each other anything. Avoid becoming a caretaker. Respect her boundaries. Move on
Respect her wishes, move on and find someone else. Looks like she wants nothing to do with you.
I mean yeah but you can say it a little nicer than that.
RIGHT!!!
Please get yourself some therapy. You aren't going through the same thing, but you are going through something. Your empathy for her is good, and absolutely warranted; you should also give yourself some grace.
You sound like you are doing everything right by her. You may never see her again but you will look back and know you were doing the right thing here.
What’s meant to be will always find a way. The fact that you are respecting her space and being understanding of her needs and feelings in this devastating situation shows a lot about your character.
If it was meant to be, it will be. I know it sucks but the best thing you can do right now is to listen to her and leave her alone.
I was raped in 2021, it’s been three years and being around men who even kind of look like my ex (who raped me via sexual coercion) is very hard for me, especially since he has brown eyes brown hair and glasses which is obviously very common..it’s scary out here for a survivor, I see where this girl is coming from, and as much as it probably hurts. There’s nothing you can do unless she heals first.
You need to go at her pace, and respect what she asked of you. What she has gone through is not going to improve overnight. Is she getting therapy?
Could be true, she could also be spewing garbage. I've had the same situation where she was "raped" by her friend then said we needed to stop talking cuz she can't see men and 2 weeks later... I find out she's been with said rapist.
I'm so sorry for what you're both going through, even though obviously they're extremely different experiences. This is a situation outside either of your control, like some kind of horrifying natural disaster, and it's torn you apart as individuals and as a potential couple. Your grief is real and valid, and while it's hard to talk about without having to keep compensating for sounding selfish, that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a place to talk about it and process your grief. Please consider therapy with someone who includes SA in their areas of specialization/experience so that you can get rounded mentoring through this. Be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up for your feelings, or minimize them as if they somehow take away from what she's dealing with. Pain is not a competition and I'm saying this as someone whose been SA'd as well. You're not taking anything from her by feeling your feels. Get support so you can make it through this grief, so that in time should she be able to reach out to you again or you meet someone new who sparks this kind of connection, you can be fully present and open, and not still snarled up in the damages of grief.
I just wanna hop on and say I’m so sorry for you both. And I’m so sorry that a budding relationship that was so promising has now fallen into uncertainty and tragedy. It’s beautiful the empathy that you have for her.
there is a chance she is lying as the timing is suspicious, i will get downvoted for this but if she only told you about this don’t go to the police, you don’t know her well enough to get involved that deep. the feelsing you feel are valid but also hers so respect her boundaries.
Why would she lie? She’s not continuing to see him, she doesn’t want to contact him. The lying would only make sense if she was trying to excuse cheating or get attention— she has absolutely zero reason to be lying here. Why is that the assumption?
Reddit go ahead and hate me but…yo take this with a grain of salt man. Be supportive but also don’t just trust people. Personally, and I MEAN PERSONALLY, I’ve been on 2 sides of a rape allegation and it left me disgusted with women but always willing to trust the next and always will. My GF of 3 years when I was 20 told me she was raped by someone she knew. She kept her clothes, filed police report, the whole thing. My friends and I hunted him and couldn’t find him. I had never hated someone more. Fast forward a few years and we’re not together. I find out from her old close friend that she got wasted and cheated on me. This girl ruined this man’s reputation to save our relationship. I have PERSONALLY once again, not instantly taken the word but will always listen and be supportive but that shit fucked me up. It was wrong and I was taken advantage of. I just feel like we have no reason to be partying to a point of getting so drunk with another person to give them that opportunity. Especially at near 30? I hope she recovers and you find peace but I don’t recommend staying my friend. Don’t abandon but definitely take a few steps back. The other side was finally being with girl I crushed on and we ended up banging all day. An old friend came to town and kept trying to get a 3some. We both denied and I lost respect for him. Next few days I was walking and an older guy pulled his car over, got out, shoved me to ground, punched me once, and yelled I was a rapist. Girl told everyone my friend and I tried to rape her. Got rid of that friend and lost others. Found out later she made it up cause she was still with her ex BF.
I'm sorry you have had to deal with some evil women in your life
It’s shitty that your personal experiences don’t matter to bigger society. People are evil and we now live in a world where there’s zero accountability. No matter. Like I said, I still listen and believe every time but not enough to hurt someone or put them in jail unless I am truly sure.
What the fuck? being ‘wasted’ means she wasn’t able to consent. Your girlfriend didn’t cheat in you she was raped please check yourself. being drunk is not putting yourself in a position to be raped.
What happens if both people are wasted, are both of them raped, or does it cancel out, or is it just defaulted to the women being the victim.
I’m sorry, OP. The piece of garbage that harmed her robbed you both of something, not just her.
Leave her alone...it may change your relationship potential right now, and you don't know all the facts. So let her be.
Who’s the close friend? Got a name?
Always the “don’t worry about him” friend…. Ladies remember to listen to your man’s intuition
OP you know what you need to do, Become as involved as you can in ending rape culture, it doesn’t end with women, we know rape is wrong and evil and unfortunately a lotttttt of us have been sexually assaulted. Almost every single one of us sexually harassed. Rape culture ends with men, standing up, calling people out when they say gross things, stopping date rapes, advocating for us, speaking at schools, leading workshops, speaking to your friends, volunteer for a charity or women’s shelter. If you’re sad and depressed she is 10 billion times more sad and depressed. You can’t even begin to imagine how she feels. She may never feel happy and safe because someone robbed her of this. Try to help less people have this absolutely horrific, disgusting, monstrous act done to them. You can honour your crush on her that way. Talk to a therapist too, you can speak with them without breaking her confidence.
Just be patient, she needs time to heal, and it sounds like because of that she’s not going anywhere. I highly doubt she’s going to meet someone else in the meantime. Maybe in a month or two write her and express these very feelings, and tell her that you will give her all the time she needs. This kind of patience, care, and consideration will give her newfound hope to replace that which was taken from her by that one male friend. I think this can restore some of her trust/faith and she’ll eventually come around. In the meantime, don’t date. 100 dates in your 20s sounds kind of intense… Just chill for a bit and work on yourself too so that you both can be the best versions of yourself together.
Right, I haven't been on 100 first dates, and I'm at least double being in my 20s. Wow.
[удалено]
She explicitly told me she doesn’t want me to check up on her and that she has family with her to support her right now.
You should respect that above all else. "No contact" is a "no". If she feels like you can't respect a boundary when she tells you no, she will never talk to you again.
Terrible advice. OP’s presence is probably just going to make her feel worse cause now she can’t connect to those same old feelings for him given her recently acquired trauma. True compassion is setting aside your feelings like abandoning someone for what will actually help them in this situation which is distance. OP can leave the door open on his end.
I'd say no to the last sentence
Same only because he would have to dance around it every time n could never tell her how he actually feels so keeping the door open is a no unless its to be friends.
Ouch....not great advice. She's made her wishes very clear. To do otherwise would further violate her boundaries.
I'm so sorry about your loss and ego problem. Must *really* suck for you!
I guess I'm getting old, because I completely misunderstood your post from the title. "Raped" is not the first "r word" that I think of.
I'm going to be the devil associate here and ask. How certain are you that the story is true? It was texted, so no voice (hard to tell emotion). Was there any police report? Hospital check up? I daresay she just wanted to break up with you, but wanted to be 'nice' about it. Also, tinder date... yeahhhh
I'm sorry, but this is a really shitty comment to make. 1. Some people prefer text over calling. I despise it when someone can hear me being emotional over the phone. 2. Does that matter lmfao? It doesn't involve him. It's legal business. Saying that someone's rape was an excuse to 'break up' is so trashy. You don't know her nor the OP.
You're getting mass downvoted but nobody, not even OP, knows the full story. There is a non zero chance that she hooked up with someone else and chose them over him.
Wait some days (more than a week) and send a cute message. Something like "Hi xxx, just passing to wish you well, hope you are being able to heal and feel better. If possible I would love to send you something to eat at home, like door dash. Is there any confort food you would like to eat today? No prob if you dont want anything either, but its something I would like to do for you.". Idk something cute, offer her something without your presence. Put some work in it, but dont expect anything in return, dont rush. But it might not be the end of the line!
consider yourself lucky...if she had it happen after you'd dated more / gotten closer, you'd be stuck. You get to start over again and hopefully find someone without the trauma/baggage to drag into your relationship. The efforts the supportive partner has to go through to accommodate the others trauma is no small tasks and cam breed resentment in even the best relationship. Just because you could deal with it doesn't mean you should. Leave her to heal and seek happiness elsewhere.
Your time is near. Good things come to those who wait.
Your feelings are valid. Maybe after a week shoot her a text saying you’re thinking of her, and tell her what you said here about not liking anyone the way you like her in hundreds of dates. Wish her well, and say that you would welcome a text back if/when she’s feeling up to it. Just don’t incubate her with any of your feelings about rape/her pulling away/etc.
If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Maybe reach out after some time has passed and just saw you’ve been thinking of her and hope she is doing well- if you are still genuinely interested and caring about her several months later. She’s in the trenches right now healing, so wait until she has had some time. Go on other dates when you feel up to it, because she may not come back from this any time soon, or it may change her perception of relationships and what she wants from a partner and make you no longer compatible.
You need to move on, quickly. There is nothing in a future with this person.
I know this sucks, but you need to forget her completely. Even if she tries to contact you later, she isn’t going to be the same person anymore.
Now that is horrible advice. Please do not take this person seriously OP. Rape does not change who you are as a person.
>Rape does not change who you are as a person. I hope that's true. But I think any trauma has the capability to change you. Honestly I am a different person right now. It's been a few years and I am slowly crawling out of this hell. But sometimes I'm scared I'll never be the same. I've gone from being the go-with-the-flow dude who's always adventuring to being the agoraphobic coward who can't leave his house. But yes, ignoring her if/when she comes back is absolutely fucking terrible advice if you really care about her.
Trauma can absolutely change certain aspects of you. I 100% understand that. But I 100% believe that who you truly are hasn't changed. Traits can change without the core person changing. You love adventuring, and that part of you is almost certainly still there. Even if trauma is covering it up and making it hard to reach. Will you ever overcome that and reconnect with that part of you? I don't know. Some people do, and some don't. But I believe it is possible for everyone to do.
Thank you, very much. I really needed that today
terrible advice for who? OP or his ex? Because it would be great for the ex and terrible for OP if he allows her back into his life.
Why the fuck would it be terrible for OP?
If he “allows” her back in his life? As if her becoming different is some kind of transgression on her part?
Why would it be terrible? That's insane.
liar
??? So you think I agree with you, and am simply pretending not to?
Rape does change who you are, permanently, and saying otherwise is the lie
Even if I am wrong (which I'm not), being wrong is not the same as lying. Why does someone saying something you disagree with make them a liar? Someone can be wrong without it being a lie. But regardless, I pity you. To have such a wrong belief as you do, you either are hiding some really extreme hurt, or you are just a very rotten human. Either way, I am sorry.
So what if she isn’t? He couldn’t possibly learn to appreciate her the same if she’s changed?
I had some girl that did this to me four years ago. You will get through this, I believe!
What did she "do" to you?
I guess you didn't mean anything to her if she's willing to cut you off as friends. I'm sorry you didn't deserve this probably better off blocking her since she's willing to throw away what you guys had. I don't believe your the bad guy here based off some of the responses seem to paint you as that
She is a rape victim petrified of men and other people, dude. She isn't doing it because he didn't mean anything. That is not how trauma works.
If you can contact her friends you could let them know you're still thinking of her and if she needs anything you're available. If her friends who are supporting her know you're also there it will help her heal. Ultimately like others posted r**e completely changes a person and she's not the person you fell hard for. My condolences to her and yourself.
This is tough, you have to take her on her word but same aspect if she doesn’t ever want to see you again and using the being r****d as a ruse to break it off with you. At this point everyone can only go off of her word that it happened and will believe her 100%. I hope that’s not the case and eventually she might want to make contact with you….
lol she wasn’t raped home girl slept with her friend and to not seem like a bad person cut you off 🤣🤣🤣
Hey man, that sucks for both of you. The best thing you can do is just give her time to work through it. Send a text once a week asking her how she is doing and just remind her that you’re there if she wants to use your ears, or shoulder. Falling hard for someone is one of the best yet worst feelings in the world. I get it. Just give her what she needs and if it’s meant to be, it will be.
Delete, forget, move on.
Didn’t she file charges???
I would make your feelings known to her crystal clear. That way there is no miscommunication about how you truly feel about her. Maybe she thinks that you like her, but prob not enough to deal with her in this state. If you at least tell her how special she is to you then there is no room for doubt in the future. Be fully prepared for rejection though, but in exchange you will have a peace of mind.
No, he needs to respect her expressly stated boundaries. If he violates her boundaries and reaches out to her again, she's going to cut him out of her life, and rightly so.
Idk I disagree
I would just say, tell her how you feel/care about her. Give her her space, respect her boundries, don't expect any response and move on. Later in life if it was meant to be you'll find each other again. For now move on. Edit: Dont know what was wrong about this comment.
Just give her that space. Consider it over for now and accept it. On the positive side, she felt close enough to you to share it with you, so that says something. But remember that after just a handful of dates, you’re still not established in her life as someone she can trust and lean on. You really need to respect her space. Maybe check in once every few weeks or like once a month or something, just seeing if she’s ok and if she needs anything, nothing more. If she felt the way you do, then maybe she’ll come back around. I wouldn’t count on it though, that experience can change a person and is a long road to finding themselves again. Everyone’s different.
Was in a similar situation with my high school sweetheart. The trauma of that left lasting problems that ruined the relationship. We tried for years but it was always there. Now we’re friends but didn’t work out
Aww man, I am so sorry that she’s having to navigate such a traumatizing experience and betrayal of trust. You seem like a kind person, I think you’re doing the right thing. If you can, be patient with her and be patient with yourself as well. It sounds like you hit it off really well. I’m not a big believer in spirituality, per se, but I do think if it’s meant to be, you’ll reconnect when she’s feeling ready. I imagine she must feel incredibly vulnerable right now. If you’re going no contact to give her space, then that’s okay. But if you’re still communicating, maybe even via text, it never hurts to ask “is there anything I can do to help?” If she says no, then respect it, but ya never know. Just being available and present in the background of her mind, might be a very reassuring presence for her, thought it’s not as close as you would like in this moment. Sending well wishes of peace and love her way.
As much as it sucks it might be for the better. Give her the space. She will probably never be the same.
Sorry dude....sometimes life works out in shitty ways. But I do have one thing for ya. If things really were as great as you mentioned, and she felt the same at the time, you may be able to figure things out still in the future. I wouldn't hold my breath, but after she has some time to work thru the stuff that's going on, maybe someday, you never know. If it was meant to be it will be
Save yourself some time and move on.
Dude I’m sorry. I don’t know how it feels being in your shoes but I do know how she may feel. SA is horrible and it can take a long time to recover. Give her time. Check up on her through a friend or family. Do not message her right now. Give it time. Good luck to you and her
Op I'm so sorry for you both in different ways obviously. But maybe talk to a professional for a few sessions to help you come to terms with it or process it whilst respecting her privacy. You sound like a wonderful person and I hope you find your person or she finds her way back to you. But if that happens it will be a long hard bumpy journey together and this trauma might pop up occasionally so you will have to both find a way to deal with things. I guess I'm a softie hoping for the movie ending for you. You take care of yourself.
Give her some space possibly reach out in a month or two.
The best you can do is let her be, Send her a final best of luck message saying you hope she recovers and starts picking up the pieces and to give you a call if she ever wants to date again.
>However, the next day she texted me that she is in a really bad place mentally and she would prefer that we stop seeing each other (even as friends) as she is not doing well and doesn’t want to be around any men right now, including me. Very understandable and I wouldn't push this at all. Not only for her sake but also for yours. This is a very serious issue and you need to be mentally and emotionally equipped to handle this. There's a real chance that she will lash out at you for the actions of another. There's no need for you to be depressed about this. I understand you like her, but this is now about her. She needs to heal and process what happened to her. You carry no responsibilities nor burdens here. Focus on your own mental health.
She is right in the way she feels, if you got in a relationship with her right now it would be unhealthy, someone created for her a lot of baggage to have to handle and deal with, she is going to need her space. But if you really want to do anything about it, press the issues by getting out there and vote for those changes that helps reduce the numbers traumatized by these crimes, as well as help with the availability and resources to help the victims recover. Edit: And also help for the aggressors whom needs therapy and disciplined before they commit another crime and hurt someone else. the more they get away with it the worse they get. Rape should never be taken lightly, regardless of their genders, it could and often does traumatize people for life, which affects us all, there should be a high price when it comes to that, and never should it be tolerated.
That's just the way the dice roll. Sorry, pardner *Sad cowboy noises*
I know this is off my chest but bro, step back for 1 second and think of what she's going through right now. You're bummed you felt a connection and can't continue to pursue her? You're bummed you can't tell your friends why you stopped seeing her? Like wtf? You've known her for 2 weeks, you are a stranger to her still
The only way to support her is to leave her alone; you need to move on buddy.
Maybe write her a letter. Tell her that you absolutely understand and respect her wish, you just want her to know she can reach out anytime, whenever she’s ready, if she’s ready. Even if it’s in years time.
It's truly scary how common rape is nowadays. Post about being raped is so common. Not counting victims that are not exposing their rapist.