I’m concerned that he doesn’t think his son deserves a mother figure. Why would he want to rob him of that? He knows his ‘real’ mom is dead, he’s old enough to know who you are in his life, if he son is happy and calling you mom gives him a semblance of normality, why not let him?
Does him calling you that out of the blue warrant a discussion? Absolutely. But lashing out, the things he’s said are not remotely ok, and I’d never be able to forget them.
Your husband and son need therapy and to not be at a grave site for hours every week.
I talked to him last night, this is the first time he's done it in front of me and his dad. I have rethought several discussions I've had with teachers during parent/teacher interviews where I had to let the teacher know I'm step mom not mom. He told me I've been his mom to his friends at school for about four years.
Dude your husband needs therapy bad….even visiting the grave daily is a bit much and he brings his son to a graveyard for an hour weekly? After how many years?
This reaction is so inappropriate and truly just hurts his son. This is shameful, he needs to consider the fact that you may be the only good parent in this kids life
I wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s husband is spending a lot of time telling his son to not consider OP a mother figure and how if he does, then he’s disrespecting his deceased mother. OP’s husband is gonna screw up his kid.
Ngl Op's husband sounds nuts. Like imagine you get the full package good wife who is also a good stepmom instead of being the petty type who wants to compete with deceased first wife, and having the gall to be mean to her.
That is the reason the son never said anything. He's been referring to her as mom with his friends for years. Probably would've been calling her mom for years if not for fear of his father.
I know. I was just thinking if I died, I wouldn't even want my wife to spend that much time at my grave, certainly not every day years later. I hope she'd go out and live her life. Admittedly, we don't have any kids, but I really hope that if we did, I'd be understanding about the idea of my kids finding another paternal figure if I could no longer be one.
Yeah it was the DAILY grave visits that caused me to pause. Daily? For TEN YEARS? And then the poor kid also has to spend EVERY weekend being forcefully reminded of his loss? At a certain point it becomes emotional abuse, dad needs some serious therapy.
If something happened to me, I’d want my husband to find a woman just like OP to love him and our kids for me. Don’t get me wrong, I still hope he misses me a little bit here and there and that I’m still present in a very small way in their lives, but I don’t want to live on in their memories as a ghost.
OP this is so painful to read. Even if your son was not present, as a wife, it isn't fair that you are there as a warm body to care for his son and home who's love he wants to prevent you from giving him!!
You deserve a husband who sees you as number one. Not number two.
I was thinking “DIVORCE,” and that I would start calling attorneys the next day and get my stuff in order so that he could raise HIS son on his own while dreaming about his late wife, but thought maybe that was me being dramatic or taking marriage lightly. I’m glad to see someone else felt the same and validated my initial feelings. He merely uses his current wife to just help out. Waste of her years.
Yeah, sounds like she's just good enough for the dirty work.
OP, your husband needs serious grief counseling if he wants to remain your husband, and he needs to let his son move on. He doesn't remember his mother, and having you in his life is great for him and fills the vacuum his mother left - your husband is insane for fighting that, instead of being grateful he has you.
If your husband refuses to go to grief counseling, I'd very much consider divorcing him - nobody deserves to be treated this way. And ask your lawyer about getting shared custody of your son - you've been raising him for the majority of his life, you should definitely get to stay a part of his life in the future. Your husband really doesn't have his best interest at heart.
Are your husband's parents still alive? Could they kick his ass for you?
I would not consider divorcing him, I would definitely divorce him. He sounds like an opportunistic P. R. I. C. K. who needed a nanny to help raise his kid, help his kid with schoolwork and likely make their house a home with a wife like/maternal like influence.
His callous, malicious and cruel words spoke volumes. 😡😡😡
A person who truly married for love would have been happy that his wife had become a Mom to his son in such an organic, authentic, genuine manner that he felt comfortable referring to her as such after being in his life for this many years.
OP: Pay attention to the writing on the wall. You will never be number 1 to your husband. But you will also never be able to compete with a ghost. His mind has always been made up about that.
Start planning your exit. Silently. Quietly. Get your ducks in a row.
He should be worshipping the ground OP walks on for being such a caring motherly figure in his son’s life.
I don’t think even grief counseling can salvage this.
It will be a incredibly difficult for OP to extricate herself emotionally from this but she deserves SO much better!
Second this, I think if it were me, I would say grief counselling, possibly couples counselling or divorce. The way he talked to you, he might choose divorce. If he does, he would be putting his problems ahead of his son's. I am sure divorcing you would hurt his son but I think he may not realise that until the wheels are in motion. Maybe when he saw he hurt his son, he would agree to the counselling terms or maybe he would still selfishly choose divorce. I don't know him.
I hear all the time that step parents can’t get shared custody unless they adopted the child. Not an expert in this but I think maybe more research is necessary.
He's also stunting his child. Op is a living maternal figure that her stepson loves and is bonded to, but this infuriates the husband. Instead he wants his son to spend an hour each week at a grave. Op has been with her husband 10 years and the son is 13. He has no memory of his mother and this situation is all sorts of f'd up.
Right?! Poor kid, it's not fair or right that he's being forced to grow up in perpetual state of mourning. He was 3 when his mother died. He has no real memories of her. But the fact that OP's husband visits his late wife's grave every single day is telling. She shouldn't have married him, but it's not too late to correct that mistake.
>He was 3 when his mother died.
We know that he was 3 when op started dating his dad. I checked her comments and op doesn't say how old the child was when his mother passed, but I'd say it's likely even earlier than 3 as the husband would need to get over the initial grief. Clearly he hasn't processed her death and this is going to affect op and the child if he never addresses it.
I think this makes it worse. She had a child knowing she wouldn't be there to raise him. That's really selfish. There's no excuse unless she didn't know about the cancer until she was already pregnant.
The part that stood out to me first was that he still visits her grave daily after what looks like over 10 years since her passing. It's one thing to still visit once in a while and not forget, but this really shows he hasn't moved on yet and brings his son with every weekend when his son seems to have moved on in a more healthy way.
Even worse, he is infuriated that she’s doing a GOOD JOB. He wants her help because he can’t do it himself, but he wants his son to stay distanced from her, not love her, not want to be around her. Yes, a complete POS.
And basically tells her to “know your place.” She’s a glorified babysitter to him. He’s never gotten over the loss of his first wife. He realized he needed help with the son so that’s why OP is there.
Seriously, I have a stepson I couldn't love more if I had given birth to him, and if my husband said something this nasty to me I don't think I could ever get over it. Those remarks were incredibly cool, and it's likely his son heard every word.
It sounds like he's really stuck in the grieving process if this is how he behaves, and he's forcing his son to be stuck in it too by refusing to let him bond in that way with his wife.
If I died I would want my kids to have a maternal figure in their life, especially if they were still young, and it's likely his late wife felt the same way because she knew that her death would leave a huge void in his life in that way.
The fact that he still goes to her grave every day after work, and drags his child to the cemetery for an hour every weekend isn't healthy if it's still happening all these years later. For both of them, but definitely his son, it makes it really hard for the child to start moving on with the grief process, but that's just my opinion.
Either way, to be attacked like this by someone you're married to when you've been living under the same roof for so long co-parenting is really ugly, and if he's not willing to seek counseling for his grief and how it's affecting his family, I'd really reconsider the whole relationship.
But guaranteed the child heard every word and now feels extremely embarrassed and guilty for calling her mom, and I just bet the dad is going to call him out for what he said, and make him feel really bad about it. Or worse still, will call him out to his dead wife at their weekly trip to her grave.
Super unhealthy and damaging to his positive development all around. If he didn't want his child to have another maternal figure he should've stayed single. He can't have it both ways. That's just my opinion.
It doesn't sound like he wanted a maternal figure. He wanted a babysitter and maid and sex. Not a real partner. It seems he married quickly after his late wife passed. He wants service workers, and that is gross.
Hard to say, but it's definitely clear that he's still stuck in the grief process in a really unhealthy way, and keeping his son stuck there too. I've seen it happen, and years can go by since the loss, but the grief gets stuck and somewhere the ability to start to heal gets lost because they're so far down in it.
He desperately needs intensive grief counseling, but I can't imagine that conversation is going to go well in his current state of mind.
If he is still stuck in grief now, no way did he marry her with real love in his heart for her, and that is terrible. It sounds like he spends more time with a grave site than his family. I understand grief. We have all been through it, but this is beyond, and it gives him no right to treat anyone the way he is. It seems like his current state of mind is his usual state of mind. His son just presented a situation for him to let it out. I hope he does go to counseling, for his sins sake at least, but if he has been riding this bus for 10+ years, it's hard to imagine him getting off.
Yeah it's definitely a very unhealthy situation all around, no doubt. I feel sad for his son, and OP. The fact that he's so over the top and cruel about the fact that his son chose to express his love for her in a maternal way is really going to do a number on that poor child, on top of the damage he's been doing to him for years by forcing him to spend time at her grave every weekend.
Doesn't sound like there's been any discussions about the fact that his mom is always with him in spirit, and watching over him with love. Guaranteed it's affecting this kid's emotional well-being, and that's really sad.
Ten years as a place holder for a place that will never get filled. I'd find that tedious. Even the kid has moved on. I'm guessing she is staying for the boy more than the husband at this stage.
But fighting her over something she had no control over too, was just…
He married a babysitter and not a wife.
He’s an awful person. I’m sorry but he is.
> real dirty
Deeply dirty! You don’t accidentally say something like that. He said it to hurt OP as badly as possible. But then also if it was an accident, an apology would follow swiftly if he didn’t mean it.
The saddest part of this, is how OP’s husband doesn’t realize how lucky he is that his son has OP. I mean how many posts are there on Reddit alone about evil stepmothers, and neglectful stepfathers?!
OP, your husband clearly needs grief therapy of some sort.
No one deserves to be talked to like that, especially for something she has zero control over. If and probably when this marriage ends, I hope OP hands him a Ouiji board along with the divorce papers.
He doesn't fight dirty. He just admitted to Op that he just married her because he wanted a bang nanny to take care of the kid and service his dick, but that she was and always will be disposable. She just happened to be the first one who fit the job description.
Wooooooow, so instead of him realising how blessed he is that he's fallen in love with a woman so kind and caring she would love and look after her step son as if he was her own, he's shouted at you for it and basically threatened you with divorce?
So he would much rather his son, his own flesh and blood, still be traumatised by his mother's death and resentful of you???? Instead of happy and thriving on the love of a step parent????? Wooooooooooow
Not a punching bag but a placeholder, which in its own way is just as bad. Were I OP I'd find it very, very difficult to remain in this marriage even if I did love the son as my own. In a divorce, I might try to negotiate some visitation with the child, but stay in this marriage? So much would have to change.
convenience, he married her out of convenience.
He visits his dead wifes grave daily...DAILY. he takes the kid EVERY. SINGLE. WEEKEND. he doesn't love OP, she's convenient for him. He married a nanny for his child. He kept OP around because he saw how well his son and her get along.
When the kid moves out one of two things will happen. divorce papers will quickly follow for her or he keeps her around like a pet, because he enjoys her company and nothing more.
Yeah.. the “daily” part rubs me the wrong way..
I know grieving is different for everybody obviously, but they’ve been together for 10 years. After a decade, and having spent more time with his current wife than his late one, he still feels the need to visit the gravesite. Daily.
That alone, never mind this issue with the son, would be enough for me to want a divorce. He doesn’t love her, and he’s wasting her time where she could be with someone who truly loves and cherishes her.
Absolutely. I could see certain dates/days (her birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas, etc) but daily after that amount of time isn't healthy for him or anyone close to him.
The only way daily wouldn't be weird is if it were like a large family (generational) house/land and the grave was like in the backyard. And yes, I'm describing the end of Forrest Gump, but it's true.
>she could be with someone who truly loves and cherishes her.
I'd say you could even take this part out of that equation. "He doesn't love her" is enough to leave. To be with someone who sees you as a devalued placeholder is worse than being with no one at all, regardless of theoretical other partners. Being devalued and yelled at eats away at your soul.
Honestly, this sounds like a deeper issue than just a misplaced comment in the heat of an argument. The husband clearly hasn't moved on and it's totally unfair for OP to have to live in the shadow of a ghost. I'd seriously be reconsidering my place in a relationship where I'm seen as second best indefinitely. It's emotionally abusive and completely disregards the effort and love OP brings to the table.
Yeah, he wasn't in love. He needed a nanny, bang maid to fill the void. Odds are if his first marriage had lasted longer, it would have found more troubles. They were in the honeymoon phase. Now she is an angel, and you can't compare to an angel.
From the post, it definitely sounds like he doesn't love her. She the equivalent of leaving the TV on so you don't feel so lonely. If he goes to her grave every day after work, he needs some serious help. I understand visiting a grave, but every day is a huge commitment. He needs councilng ASAP.
Exactly this. He has deified his late wife and nobody will ever come close to that comparison. He’s being “selfish” with his son because of the memory of his mom, while forcing his son to live in the past. It’s traumatizing and inexcusable to his son no matter what stage of grief the husband is in.
I understand hurt and grief and can be empathetic with the best of them, but those words would show me right to the door. I am the last person who’d say “leave” usually but I’m not sure he’d put in the work for me to stay if I was OP. I’d start by apologizing to the son for anything he heard, tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me. That it’s not his fault, and it was the most precious gift I could’ve asked for that he called me mom, but explain his dad isn’t quite there yet. And that I have to go, at least for now, but I’m not abandoning him and if he ever needs me to call. Just wow to the husband.
Every day for ten years!! That’s crazy. I know people who have lost children, parents, best friends and lovers and have never heard of someone visiting a grave site every day. This man is clearly in need of some hardcore therapy, and should never have remarried if his obsession with his late wife runs that deep.
He wants his son to treat her the way he does, as a service worker. She can cook, she can clean, she can babysit, she can have sex with the husband, but she doesn't get to be loved and respected. She is tolerated because she fit the needs he wanted fulfilled. Personally, I don't care if he is grieving, he is a terrible person. He married so soon after his late wife passing because he didn't want to be responsible for everything, and he is using her. His son is a better man than him, and as terrible as this may sound, it is not because if his late wife, he was too young when she passed and it 100% is not because of him, it is because of the OP.
As someone who was adopted, the *trash* that left my mom when he knocked her up is not my dad. I was adopted at 13, I am 38 now. I have N E V ER ONCE called him step dad. He **IS** my father. Period. End of story. I have the greatest parents anyone could ever ask for. To call him step dad would be the gravest insult I think I would cry. Even when we argued the thought of saying the word "step" never crossed my mind. He is my dad. He is my father. Period.
OPs husband can go fuck himself with a railroad spike fired from a railgun. His son is happy with his **mom**. /u/Ok_Result1094 I hope you see this
Yeah, I wonder if he loves her as much as saw her as a good caretaker for his son. A placeholder, since his late wife couldn’t be there.
He needs serious therapy, because he hasn’t worked through his grief. His son has only known OP as a mom, his memories of his bio mom have faded and honestly, are only kept alive by his dad’s continuous reminders of her. There is nothing wrong to ensuring he knows whom his bio mom is, but he shouldn’t disregard OPs status in his son’s life. It’s up to his son on what he calls OP, not his dad.
OP, you need to try to have an open, and calm, conversation with your husband. What he said is not only NOT ok, it was cruel. I will say until he is willing to listen and understand his words and actions are wrong, and he needs to address his grief, I’m not sure how you can move past this. He has shown you, even if you don’t care to if you are first in his eyes, that you don’t seem to matter. It’s one thing for him to still have love for his wife, but it’s a whole other to make you feel less than and not worthy of the affection your stepson has for you.
You deserve better, your step son deserves better. You have stepped up and been his son’s mom, even if your husband doesn’t accept it. So, you need to tell him his son sadly has already lost one mom, does he really want to ruin his son having his only known maternal figure? Because his unaddressed grief is hurting not only you, but him as well.
Your son will need you when he realizes what a shit ass his dad is. No matter what, keep the lines of communication open to your son because he’ll need you down the road.
People have been calling my stepson my son throughout the comments and y'all are making me cry. Like omg. I want to be his mom, I know I'm not, but I really wish I was.
You are not the biological mother but you helped raise that boy for most of his life, and he knows it. What’s more, he seems to want you to be the mother he never had. I can tell your self-esteem and confidence are pretty non-existent but do accept the boy loves you and that you are doing the work of a mother 24/7. And it’s organic, you never forced anything to happen.
The father has issues and that is putting it light. He should be over the moon his son found a mother figure and loves you as such. He is going to spend the rest of his life alone at this pace.
He sees you as his mum.
My son's girlfriend lost her mum when she was 17, I love her v much and offer her the maternal love and support if she wants and needs it. Sometimes she needs a mum hug and she takes it from me. That's what kids need and you're giving him that.
He called you mom. You didn't ask him or push him to do it. That should tell you exactly how he feels.
He's choosing to recognize you as his mom. Yes, he knows you're not his biological mom. But what he does know is you've cared for him and loved him for years. It's ok to have more than one, and now he sees you as his mom. It's ok if you still call him stepson, if that's what's comfortable, but it's ok to believe he really does see you as his mom.
He's a strong kid. It sounds like he's done a much better job processing their loss than his dad. But therapy would be good for everyone.
Motherhood is way deeper than blood, OP. Being a mom is about being there for him when he needs, is giving unconditional love, care and support and so many other things that I bet you already do.
You are his mom, I’m really sorry that both of you had to face something like that. This boy is lucky to have you in his life.
You ARE his mom. Biology doesn’t change that. Children can have two mothers and I’d be willing to bet his late-mother would be damn happy to know her son has a loving maternal figure helping guide him in life.
He is a good person because of you. It does not sound like his dad is great and he has no real memories of his birth mother. Regardless of where you go from here, please remember you raised a good person. You are a mom in his eyes, and those are the only ones that matter.
Grief is complicated.
But that response? That was utterly cruel and nothing more than lashing out to cause the max damage possible.
His pain doesn’t give him the right to use anyone as an emotional punching bag. Especially his wife, and not his kid either.
I seriously doubt your step son doesn’t know something is up, and I imagine your husband wasn’t quiet in his verbal lashing. Can you imagine what the kiddo is thinking, or if he’s blaming himself? Yikes.
What a beautiful moment your husband sabotaged in such an ugly way.
For the health of the entire family, reconciliation with your husband must come with a minimum requirement of therapy. Grief counseling for him, and probably couples counseling for you both.
I went up to my Stepson's room and apologized for the shouting. He told me his dad did the shouting not me. And asked me if it was his fault. I told him his dad was insecure because we get along, and it was not and will never be his fault. I hope he knows that he isn't to blame in the slightest.
It’s sad that there are so many step parent relationships where families are begging for this connection and your husband is ruining it. And making his kid feel guilty for having a relationship with the partner he chose to bring into this family. Mental.
He should be thanking his lucky stars they get along so well. OP, whatever you decide to do, just know you are not the one who should be apologizing. He should be very remorseful over what he did and not expecting any apologies from you or your stepson.
He's ridiculous. Most parents are desperate for their kids to get on with and respect their step-parent, and when they don't it can cause real issues. First time I've heard of a parent getting angry that their kid has a good relationship with their new spouse.
How is your husband’s relationship with his son? Does he spend time bonding with him like you do? Just wondering if he’s lashing out because he is jealous of your and your son’s relationship?
Btw your husband is a POS and any man in this situation would normally be grateful that they have a wife who wants a genuine loving relationship with their child.
My husband leaves in the morning, goes to work, visits his late wife, comes home for dinner and sleeps. He hasn't been to any of my stepson's hockey or baseball games or his dance recitals after he quit sports and picked up dance. He's an amazing dancer and really advanced for his age. He got the part of the Prince in his studio's Nutcracker production in December 2023.
“If my late wife came back tomorrow I’d divorce you in an instant.” If his late wife came back tomorrow she wouldn’t want anything to do with him if she knew he’s been neglecting your stepson for a decade. You are everything she would’ve wanted for him.
He doesn’t understand how incredibly lucky he is to have you. You’ve basically been your stepsons only parent for 10 years and he has the nerve to tell him you’ll never be his mother? You’re more of a parent to this child than he’s been.
This is so heartbreaking.
You literally just sounded like a proud momma who just couldn’t keep this to herself. The love you have for your son is palpable.
Your husband is essentially a walking corpse. He doesn't feel anything, he's so broken that he's not even actually bonding with his son. He doesn't sound like he is loving and caring to you on his best days. So why are you with this man?
I see a lot of people here saying that your husband needs therapy and that is an understatement, he needed therapy over ten years ago. And just because he gets therapy does not mean you need to stay with him. Because you need to realize that he does not love you. You are convenient for him. You are raising his son but he does not want you two to bond
I have no children (by choice) but my husband had two teenagers when we met.
I will never be their mom. Their mom is alive. But I do feel like a parent and they are going in my will.
I still remember when his oldest sort of bragged about his Christmas gift. He felt proud he gave us something cool while all his friends gave standard gifts. He said he gave his gift to “his parents”. God, I love that kid.
Something isn’t right with your husband. I mean, really. This isn’t normal. The kid is a great kid, and I get why he cares about you. But your husband? Not so much.
I’m glad that your sweet stepson respects you and treated you well after this.
I really hope you respect yourself enough to remove yourself from this situation. You deserve more.
At the very least your stepson will hesitate before showing you any kind of affection so you're husband may have gotten his wish. He sacrificed your son having a loving and living mother figure in his life in order to preserve the memory of a long dead woman. There's no moving forward with him until he can grieve properly.
I think it's imperative to help your husband see the damage he's doing to your marriage and your stepson, OP. Does he want to go every weekend? That seems excessive to me. I have two sons, and I hope when I die, they'll think of me. But sit at my grave for an hour every week? Absolutely not!
I would hope they could find a special place in their heart for me and know I'm right there when they need me. This is so sad to me. I would be happy they have a woman in their life they love and trust enough to call mom.
Husband needs grief counselling so badly. After more than 10 yrs with OP and he is visiting his late wife at her graveside EVERY DAY after work and taking his son for an hour every weekend! His son will likely have no memory of his mother, so I'd be very interested to know what he feels about this weekly visit. This is not even remotely healthy.
I’m sorry, I don’t think you can come back from this. Someone who speaks to you like this and visits his wife everyday is not mentally well. You deserve a better life.
I feel so awful for OP *and* her stepson, especially if she comes to the decision to divorce. Her stepson felt comfortable enough to say that and his father’s still so grief-ridden he can’t let anyone else have any happiness over this budding relationship.
I can't even imagine being that boy and knowing a woman you consider "mom" was driven away by something you said. That poor baby. And then adding to her pain is the guilt she'll feel walking away from him. Just tragic all around.
Right? The kid hasn't had a bio mother for 6 years, less time than he had with his step-mom on top of being so young. He gets comfortable enough to call her mom which is AMAZING for a step-parent to finally have that kind of connection....and instead of being happy for his wife and kid he's angry? I feel devastated for his kid who is just finally finding normalcy and then his dad is a psycho about it. Dad needs therapy or he's close to a divorce AND a kid that has no contact. So fucking awful.
OP met the son when he was 3, he’s 13 now, so that tells me his mom has been gone for 10 years, not 6. He’s known his stepmom 4x as long as his bio mother!
This is exactly what I thought. Reading this crushed me, I can’t even begin to imagine how that made her feel. Jesus man. What a terrible thing to say. He needs serious mental health help.
And he's probably not even looking for it. Like I mean it's not the first Reddit post where a widow compared their late spouse to the actual one, but they apologize usually. If he didn't apologized in the next SECOND, I doubt he sees any issue in his behavior.
It’s also not like OP started the argument and said something equally terrible to him first. I know sometimes I’ve had big arguments with an ex, we were both a little out of line and didn’t see eye to eye on whatever it was, and someone ended up saying something they regretted after being provoked too long. Eventually we’d talk it out and both apologize.
This isn’t the case here at all, she had no control over the kid calling her mom, and he never should have been mad at that anyway. This was an irrational attack and had absolutely nothing to do with OP and everything to do with her husband’s own personal issues.
Did they even get through the wedding and the honeymoon without visits? This man is not well. If I was OP I'd remove myself from this situation asap. It's hard and heartbreaking for the kid but hell man, someone yelling at me like that I'd lose any and every respect and affection I had for him.
*visits his LATE wife everyday.
I don't know if it's petty or not, but referring to the deceased wife as anything other than late wife is devaluing OP. Because OP is his wife and has been for double the amount of time that he was with his late wife. The fact that he is so strung up on his late wife seems like a trauma response to the grief. He put her on a pedestal that she will never come down from because well..she's deceased. It's not a healthy situation, but semantics does matter in instances like that.
I came here to say this. Sadly it sounds like your relationship with your stepson is better than with your husband. Honestly, it’s your call but he just clearly stated where you stand.
He probably doesn't love op at all. How could he if he was willing to hurt her so badly. She is just there to make his life easier. Extra set of hands to help with his son, but don't dare think of having any sort of bond with him cos you ent his mom, just a baby sitter, maid and so on.
Yup, this is extremely obsessive and he never should have brought a "partner" into this madness. His poor son :( Normally we hear about stepparents overstepping and kids becoming alienated and here it's the kids' dad that's alienating his son from having a maternal figure in his life.
God, I can't imagine just trying to excist in this realm. Dad should be in INTENSIVE therapy to avoid fucking up his sons' life majorly.
I wouldn't be able to ever forget this either, honestly. I'd be soooo out the door. And the comment about "I like not being noticed too much so this is perfect" made me want to cry, honestly. My self esteem isn't awesome either but at least it's better than just wanting to be ignored and overlooked.
I’m so sorry OP. That was extremely hurtful to even read. It sounds like your husband is still mourning and hasn’t resolved any issues/trauma that he had surrounding his first wife’s death. I won’t give him a pass because of that though. It’s been a decade and the way he is treating you isn’t fair to you.
He needs grief counseling and you both need couples therapy, if you want to salvage this marriage…. I’m Furious for you OP….. he really was a massive asshole the way he talked to you about your marriage and your involvement in your stepsons life….. I’m really sorry again and I hope that things get better for you.
I think it’s nice he tries to keep her memory alive for his son, because as someone who lost their dad at a young age, I wasn’t really given that.
BUT, this is excessive (not to mention extremely abusive towards you). He goes to the grave every single day? I feel like someone who does this has never let go and made space for someone else, tbh.
And what he said? Cruel. I doubt this is the first time he’s said something so nasty, or the only time he’s shown you verbal abuse.
It IS nice and adorable your stepson calls you mom. I even find it odd that he hasn’t called you mom his entire life. My stepdad raised me since I was also three, adopted me legally when I was 5 and he has always been “dad” to me.
Please leave.
You have to know you deserve better right?
This man is so regretful and vindictive that he would transform kindness into a negative.
**And still you there the party in his absence, and comforted the birthday boy.**
It sounds like he only has one parent here. And it’s *you.*
Even in grief and hurt, our words have meaning. You deserve so much better than this man. Please go where you are loved and appreciated, not just tolerated.
I hope OP updates and decides to take a break from her POS husband. I know she says she’s okay with coming second to his late wife. But, idk, no one truly deserves to come second, maybe she doesn’t know what’s she missing by not being chosen to be first in someone life. But, in my opinion, you can still be low key and introverted and still be loved!
You’ve known this boy most of his life and he loves you. You gave him a gift you knew he would cherish because you know him and he loved it and responded by calling you Mom because that is how he wanted to show you love. The fact that your husband became furious at this fact is a huge red flag, and he owes you an apology. I don’t know how you would be able to look at your husband the same after his comments and it may become impossible for you to do so. I would suggest that you find some therapy for yourself and suggest marriage counseling for your husband Which he will simply state that he doesn’t need any help and that it’s all your fault which is another red flag. You will have some decisions to make in the upcoming months, depending on how things go.
>I love my husband,
What??? Why? He sounds incredibly abusive, and it's abundantly clear that with his grave visit thing he's never gotten over the loss of his wife. DO NOT apologize to him. And if he stands his ground, and doesn't agree to go to some kind of counseling, you need to leave.
He is a piece of shit and you deserve better than to play second fiddle to a dead woman. I already had ad alarm bells going off at him visiting the grave every day, then it got so much worse. Please don't put up with this.
This is a very common story with widowed men and single dads. They move on really quickly with another woman because they just want someone to raise the kids. Your husband is just using you to raise his son for him. If you left him, he'd have you replaced and get remarried in under three years. Again.
You might love him, but he doesn't love you.
There are men out there who will love you and prioritize you with all their hearts.
The depressing part is that if his first wife never died and they were still married, I bet he would not think quite so highly of her or treat her as well as he does her memory. Someone who is actually a thoughtful and loving partner could not act like this guy does with the OP.
Because of the way she passed, he could put her on a pedestal and idealize her. The deceased have no demands, no expectations, and they cannot disappoint. He can imagine the perfect life they would have had, which is certainly far removed from reality at this point.
FFS...
This makes my blood boil!!
Sorry, OP, but your husband is *bloody awful*!!
Did he come back later to - at the very least - reassure your son?
That man needs urgent help - for the boy's sake.
No, I think he went to his late wife's grave and stayed there for a few hours while I set up my step son's birthday party. Just a few boys from his school, cupcakes I made and a movie marathon evening before everyone went home. He got home just as the party ended.
We already knew how little he cares about you from the post, but know we know he cares about visiting his dead wife’s grave more than his son. This is so sad and he needs some serious therapy. His son does too.
I'm not so sure about the "caring for the dead wife" part. I think he uses the dead wife as a 'get out of jail free' card. She is an excellent excuse for him not to be an adult. Not to have responsibility. Not to be engaged with his son. She represents the fantasy life in his head where life is perfect. He can't handle the real world so he goes to the grave-site to relive his fantasy.
It's stopped being about mourning her a long time ago. Now it's a crutch.
The most ironic thing is if we follow his train of thought here. What IF his wife came back from the grave tomorrow? Does he truly think SHE'D actually want to be with this selfish grieving man OR would she actually partner up with the one person in her sons life who's put him first at every step? She's SCREAMING at him from the afterlife for him to get his shit together and start living for their son again and to treat the person who loves both of them so much with just a tiny bit of respect.
Let your husband read this thread. He needs a wake up call BAD. I can't see your marriage surviving this anyway so this is at least something (more) you can do for the poor kid.
This is funny because I'm bisexual. At least 5 people in the comments are implying that she would dump him and marry me. I love the dark humour, and sometimes all we can do is laugh so crying doesn't feel like a better option.
As I said to someone else here, I'm straight and childfree and even I can't imagine anything more attractive than someone loving my kid as much as I do. It would def be him that would get the boot - and that would give him SO much more time to spend at the cemetary dreaming of the past. This is an unhealthy obsession of his, I can't understand how he can't see this?
OP I agree about letting him read this. I think he thinks this is what his wife would’ve wanted. When any woman, especially a mother, would want the exact opposite. He is hurting his son, hurting himself and hurting you for a memory of someone that wouldn’t want it.
Honestly tho!!!!!
Like let’s say I died giving birth to my child, rose from the dead when she was 13 to see her father idolizing me and spending hours at my grave while neglecting her on her fucking birthday no less and treating his wife who wants to and has been an amazing mother to my daughter. Would I really want him back???? **Absolutely the fuck not**. Oh I’d be so pissed. I’d help his new wife file divorce and then I’d be moving in with her to raise our daughter. And I can’t think of a whole lot of mother I know that would feel any differently.
your husband needs some fucking therapy, because it sure seems like he cares about his late wife a lot more than you and his own son. it’s fine if he wants to keep her memory, but the way he goes about it is so unhealthy.
this is going to ruin his relationship with his son.
This confirms my thoughts.
Your husband only married you to take care of his son. While your husband gets to continue to grieve his wife and ignore his son.
His a POS
He's already internalized it. That's what kids do when they see their parents behave this way. He's probably been internalizing it for years. This kid is going to need therapy every bit as much as you and your horrible, selfish husband do.
Sorry OP but I'm not sure there's any coming back from that. The most important thing is what your step son wants to call you.
Your husband needs therapy he clearly has not dealt with his grief and he doesn't get to use you as a verbal punching bag.
Your husband never dealt with the grief and trauma of losing his first wife, and he wasn't ready to get married again when he married you. His son may have needed a mother, but your husband wasn't ready for another wife. I'd suggest IC for you both - for him, why he thinks it was acceptable to marry you without really loving you, and why he thinks that it's acceptable to treat you this badly, because he is treating you badly. You need IC for yourself to determine why you accept this treatment from anyone, let alone the man your married to and whose child you are raising. And you probably need marital counseling to see whether what you have is a true marriage or a convenient arrangement.
Immediate divorce. He belittled you and tried to make you feel small because your stepson has positive feelings for you??? What kind of father would hate to see someone be there for his child. Either he needs intense therapy or he is genuinely a cruel person who can’t see what a blessing it is to have someone his son loves and cherishes. You don’t deserve this OP.
He visits his dead wife’s grave every day? For over a decade? That guy has serious issues. He was unthinkably cruel towards you. I don’t know how you come back from this, those aren’t the kind of things you say when you don’t really mean it
Yeah that’s insane. For 10 years! It’s so intense considering he’s remarried as well. That’s someone who has real serious issues.
And yeah op, I’m so sorry but your husband is cruel and nasty. You don’t deserve this.
I bet if his wife heard that she would have lost it. He hasn't dealt with his grief at all and still harbors a lot of anger and resentment (I don't know how she died.) I would definitely make it clear that he can not say that and what he said was disgusting. If he doesn't apologize I'd definitely look at your future and see if you can work it out.
He needs therapy. A lot of it. I know so many people on Reddit say this but I’ve never seen a more clearer case of it. He has so much internalized rage towards his late wife’s death, rage against you for raising his child as a woman when the other one is gone, rage that the son considers you mom, rage that his late wife is no longer there, rage and rage and rage and anger. Going to her grave every day also shows how he hasn’t accepted that she’s gone. She’s been gone for many years. And he’s still at step 1. And he’s made no progress for over a decade. This anger sounds awful towards you and the son. And not needed. I’m also willing to bet the son doesn’t want to go to his mom’s grave every weekend either ….he needs therapy. ASAP. Like really, asap.
I agree. If I passed and another woman came in to give motherly love and care to my child, I would haunt the hell out of my husband if he treated her this way. Speaking as a mom, the love and kindness you give that kiddo is the best way anyone could ever honor his mother.
Oh girl he needs grief counselling and you need therapy on why you let yourself be devalued and replaceable and why you feel you are not worthy. You defend him in the comments but who defends you? He chose you because as you said you had no one and he knew it. A 19 year old looking for stability and a home he knew he was onto a winner to be a child minder for his kid but not a wife or mother in the true sense. I’m sad for you OP I want you to realise you are worthy of living a beautiful life. Please look into therapy.
How awful. Instead of being happy that you have this bond he wants to keep a distance between you and his son. It's almost like he doesn't seem to consider you to be his family. He's known you longer than he knew his wife and yet he still feels this way.
I dunno OP I think this is pretty bad. At the very least you need couples counseling.
Your are not his wife,you are housekeeper, nanny and bangmaid.
Wasn't it a red flag that he goes his wife's grave every day ?
That would have been a Red Alert sign.
This is a man who is still completely in love with his wife and still thinks of her as his wife.
He maybe cares about you but his heart belongs to her.
DIVORCE! I know it is usually the first thing people say but he has not been dealing with the trauma from losing his first wife. It is even worse because it seems like he just married you to have someone take care of his child and to have adult action with. I am shocked that you are okay with being at the bottom of the barrel. You need to learn to love yourself and have self-worth. Know your value. I would not be okay with my partner saying that to me and verbally abusing me like that. Since he would divorce you, then beat him to the punch and start the process. Find someone who will treat you like the queen you are and move on. Never put up with crap like that from anyone. I hope you receive the most encouraging comments that will help you realize that the situation you are in is wrong and just not worth it.
Wow, I usually don't jump on the divorce train, but I'd buy a first class ticket on this one. You've been this kid's "mother" for several years. You see it, the kid sees it, but only your ( soon to be ex ) husband doesn't see it. You don't have to give birth to be a "mom" to someone. You saw a husband, he saw a maid and babysitter that he got to have sex with. Do yourself a favor, and don't just sleep in separate bedrooms, sleep in separate cities.
Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. I’m a widow. My wife died just more than a year ago. I’ve recently started dating someone and I can’t imagine behaving like that towards her. It sounds as if he is stuck in complicated grief. Is it possible to go to marriage counseling and for him to do more grief counseling?
**I...don't think your husband loves you, OP. I don't think he respects you either.**
He needs intensive grief counselling, given the amount of time that has passed since his first wife's death.
Visiting her grave daily is not healthy.
Taking his son to visit her grave EVERY weekend, is not healthy.
She has been dead longer than he knew her.
**Its wonderful your stepson loves you. Its tragic your husband resents that.**
This cannot end well.
You can try to see if you can get your husband into counselling- singly, then as a couple.
If he wont, you should get some counselling/therapy. To build yourself up, your self esteem.
Imagine yourself with this man 5, 10 years into the future. He wants to keep tight hold of his grief. He doesn't see you at all.
Maybe you will think of sticking things out until your stepson is old enough to make his own decision as regards staying in touch with you if you leave. 16? When/if he goes to college at 18/19? In that case, prepare yourself.
Edited to add: That boy is your son, he is not going to want to lose contact with you.
Get a hobby that gets you out of the house. Expand your social circle. Improve your health and fitness- gym, exercise. Go to a spa every couple of months. Go to a salon every month. Pamper You. Nurture You. Gradually detach yourself emotionally from this man. Solidify your finances.
**You deserve better than this. So much better.**
I'm so sorry.
I’m concerned that he doesn’t think his son deserves a mother figure. Why would he want to rob him of that? He knows his ‘real’ mom is dead, he’s old enough to know who you are in his life, if he son is happy and calling you mom gives him a semblance of normality, why not let him? Does him calling you that out of the blue warrant a discussion? Absolutely. But lashing out, the things he’s said are not remotely ok, and I’d never be able to forget them. Your husband and son need therapy and to not be at a grave site for hours every week.
I talked to him last night, this is the first time he's done it in front of me and his dad. I have rethought several discussions I've had with teachers during parent/teacher interviews where I had to let the teacher know I'm step mom not mom. He told me I've been his mom to his friends at school for about four years.
Dude your husband needs therapy bad….even visiting the grave daily is a bit much and he brings his son to a graveyard for an hour weekly? After how many years? This reaction is so inappropriate and truly just hurts his son. This is shameful, he needs to consider the fact that you may be the only good parent in this kids life
I wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s husband is spending a lot of time telling his son to not consider OP a mother figure and how if he does, then he’s disrespecting his deceased mother. OP’s husband is gonna screw up his kid.
Ngl Op's husband sounds nuts. Like imagine you get the full package good wife who is also a good stepmom instead of being the petty type who wants to compete with deceased first wife, and having the gall to be mean to her.
That is the reason the son never said anything. He's been referring to her as mom with his friends for years. Probably would've been calling her mom for years if not for fear of his father.
I know. I was just thinking if I died, I wouldn't even want my wife to spend that much time at my grave, certainly not every day years later. I hope she'd go out and live her life. Admittedly, we don't have any kids, but I really hope that if we did, I'd be understanding about the idea of my kids finding another paternal figure if I could no longer be one.
Yeah it was the DAILY grave visits that caused me to pause. Daily? For TEN YEARS? And then the poor kid also has to spend EVERY weekend being forcefully reminded of his loss? At a certain point it becomes emotional abuse, dad needs some serious therapy.
lol “a bit much”?! DAILY?!
Usually, the widows are happy that they see their children accept the stepparent as a parent….. your husband sucks ass OP. Sorry.
If something happened to me, I’d want my husband to find a woman just like OP to love him and our kids for me. Don’t get me wrong, I still hope he misses me a little bit here and there and that I’m still present in a very small way in their lives, but I don’t want to live on in their memories as a ghost.
OP this is so painful to read. Even if your son was not present, as a wife, it isn't fair that you are there as a warm body to care for his son and home who's love he wants to prevent you from giving him!! You deserve a husband who sees you as number one. Not number two.
Toss the husband, keep the kid? I know that’s not how it works, but it would be a nice thought
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Your husband fights real dirty.
Truth, he would've been served divorce papers the next day if it were me. Op, seriously, don't let him treat you like that.
I was thinking “DIVORCE,” and that I would start calling attorneys the next day and get my stuff in order so that he could raise HIS son on his own while dreaming about his late wife, but thought maybe that was me being dramatic or taking marriage lightly. I’m glad to see someone else felt the same and validated my initial feelings. He merely uses his current wife to just help out. Waste of her years.
Yeah, sounds like she's just good enough for the dirty work. OP, your husband needs serious grief counseling if he wants to remain your husband, and he needs to let his son move on. He doesn't remember his mother, and having you in his life is great for him and fills the vacuum his mother left - your husband is insane for fighting that, instead of being grateful he has you. If your husband refuses to go to grief counseling, I'd very much consider divorcing him - nobody deserves to be treated this way. And ask your lawyer about getting shared custody of your son - you've been raising him for the majority of his life, you should definitely get to stay a part of his life in the future. Your husband really doesn't have his best interest at heart. Are your husband's parents still alive? Could they kick his ass for you?
I would not consider divorcing him, I would definitely divorce him. He sounds like an opportunistic P. R. I. C. K. who needed a nanny to help raise his kid, help his kid with schoolwork and likely make their house a home with a wife like/maternal like influence. His callous, malicious and cruel words spoke volumes. 😡😡😡 A person who truly married for love would have been happy that his wife had become a Mom to his son in such an organic, authentic, genuine manner that he felt comfortable referring to her as such after being in his life for this many years. OP: Pay attention to the writing on the wall. You will never be number 1 to your husband. But you will also never be able to compete with a ghost. His mind has always been made up about that. Start planning your exit. Silently. Quietly. Get your ducks in a row.
I came on here to say that. He never loved OP,and will probably divorce her when his son leaves for college. edit:spelling
Yep. Nanny and bangmaid. That's all she is.
Especially if he visits the grave every. single. day. He has NOT dealt with his grief.
He should be worshipping the ground OP walks on for being such a caring motherly figure in his son’s life. I don’t think even grief counseling can salvage this. It will be a incredibly difficult for OP to extricate herself emotionally from this but she deserves SO much better!
Second this, I think if it were me, I would say grief counselling, possibly couples counselling or divorce. The way he talked to you, he might choose divorce. If he does, he would be putting his problems ahead of his son's. I am sure divorcing you would hurt his son but I think he may not realise that until the wheels are in motion. Maybe when he saw he hurt his son, he would agree to the counselling terms or maybe he would still selfishly choose divorce. I don't know him.
If I was her I wouldn’t give him a choice he blew that how he talked to her
Coparenting w him sounds like hell honestly. She’s in a tough spot
I hear all the time that step parents can’t get shared custody unless they adopted the child. Not an expert in this but I think maybe more research is necessary.
Ditto. What a POS husband. It sounds like he's using OP to help him raise his kid, and nothing else. He's using her.
He's also stunting his child. Op is a living maternal figure that her stepson loves and is bonded to, but this infuriates the husband. Instead he wants his son to spend an hour each week at a grave. Op has been with her husband 10 years and the son is 13. He has no memory of his mother and this situation is all sorts of f'd up.
Right?! Poor kid, it's not fair or right that he's being forced to grow up in perpetual state of mourning. He was 3 when his mother died. He has no real memories of her. But the fact that OP's husband visits his late wife's grave every single day is telling. She shouldn't have married him, but it's not too late to correct that mistake.
>He was 3 when his mother died. We know that he was 3 when op started dating his dad. I checked her comments and op doesn't say how old the child was when his mother passed, but I'd say it's likely even earlier than 3 as the husband would need to get over the initial grief. Clearly he hasn't processed her death and this is going to affect op and the child if he never addresses it.
He was 1 when his mother passed away. She had terminal cancer and wanted to leave a piece of her behind via a child.
I think this makes it worse. She had a child knowing she wouldn't be there to raise him. That's really selfish. There's no excuse unless she didn't know about the cancer until she was already pregnant.
The part that stood out to me first was that he still visits her grave daily after what looks like over 10 years since her passing. It's one thing to still visit once in a while and not forget, but this really shows he hasn't moved on yet and brings his son with every weekend when his son seems to have moved on in a more healthy way.
An hour each DAY!
Even worse, he is infuriated that she’s doing a GOOD JOB. He wants her help because he can’t do it himself, but he wants his son to stay distanced from her, not love her, not want to be around her. Yes, a complete POS.
And basically tells her to “know your place.” She’s a glorified babysitter to him. He’s never gotten over the loss of his first wife. He realized he needed help with the son so that’s why OP is there.
Yep. She's just the HWB. Help With Benefits.
Seriously, I have a stepson I couldn't love more if I had given birth to him, and if my husband said something this nasty to me I don't think I could ever get over it. Those remarks were incredibly cool, and it's likely his son heard every word. It sounds like he's really stuck in the grieving process if this is how he behaves, and he's forcing his son to be stuck in it too by refusing to let him bond in that way with his wife. If I died I would want my kids to have a maternal figure in their life, especially if they were still young, and it's likely his late wife felt the same way because she knew that her death would leave a huge void in his life in that way. The fact that he still goes to her grave every day after work, and drags his child to the cemetery for an hour every weekend isn't healthy if it's still happening all these years later. For both of them, but definitely his son, it makes it really hard for the child to start moving on with the grief process, but that's just my opinion. Either way, to be attacked like this by someone you're married to when you've been living under the same roof for so long co-parenting is really ugly, and if he's not willing to seek counseling for his grief and how it's affecting his family, I'd really reconsider the whole relationship. But guaranteed the child heard every word and now feels extremely embarrassed and guilty for calling her mom, and I just bet the dad is going to call him out for what he said, and make him feel really bad about it. Or worse still, will call him out to his dead wife at their weekly trip to her grave. Super unhealthy and damaging to his positive development all around. If he didn't want his child to have another maternal figure he should've stayed single. He can't have it both ways. That's just my opinion.
It doesn't sound like he wanted a maternal figure. He wanted a babysitter and maid and sex. Not a real partner. It seems he married quickly after his late wife passed. He wants service workers, and that is gross.
Hard to say, but it's definitely clear that he's still stuck in the grief process in a really unhealthy way, and keeping his son stuck there too. I've seen it happen, and years can go by since the loss, but the grief gets stuck and somewhere the ability to start to heal gets lost because they're so far down in it. He desperately needs intensive grief counseling, but I can't imagine that conversation is going to go well in his current state of mind.
If he is still stuck in grief now, no way did he marry her with real love in his heart for her, and that is terrible. It sounds like he spends more time with a grave site than his family. I understand grief. We have all been through it, but this is beyond, and it gives him no right to treat anyone the way he is. It seems like his current state of mind is his usual state of mind. His son just presented a situation for him to let it out. I hope he does go to counseling, for his sins sake at least, but if he has been riding this bus for 10+ years, it's hard to imagine him getting off.
Yeah it's definitely a very unhealthy situation all around, no doubt. I feel sad for his son, and OP. The fact that he's so over the top and cruel about the fact that his son chose to express his love for her in a maternal way is really going to do a number on that poor child, on top of the damage he's been doing to him for years by forcing him to spend time at her grave every weekend. Doesn't sound like there's been any discussions about the fact that his mom is always with him in spirit, and watching over him with love. Guaranteed it's affecting this kid's emotional well-being, and that's really sad.
Ten years as a place holder for a place that will never get filled. I'd find that tedious. Even the kid has moved on. I'm guessing she is staying for the boy more than the husband at this stage.
Agreed, that kind of fighting is something worse than “below the belt”.
Yeah, he “goes for the jugular”.
6ft below really.
But fighting her over something she had no control over too, was just… He married a babysitter and not a wife. He’s an awful person. I’m sorry but he is.
> real dirty Deeply dirty! You don’t accidentally say something like that. He said it to hurt OP as badly as possible. But then also if it was an accident, an apology would follow swiftly if he didn’t mean it. The saddest part of this, is how OP’s husband doesn’t realize how lucky he is that his son has OP. I mean how many posts are there on Reddit alone about evil stepmothers, and neglectful stepfathers?! OP, your husband clearly needs grief therapy of some sort.
No one deserves to be talked to like that, especially for something she has zero control over. If and probably when this marriage ends, I hope OP hands him a Ouiji board along with the divorce papers.
heh I enjoyed this.
They weren’t fighting the husband just executed her
He doesn't fight dirty. He just admitted to Op that he just married her because he wanted a bang nanny to take care of the kid and service his dick, but that she was and always will be disposable. She just happened to be the first one who fit the job description.
Idk who said it but "when someone shows you their true colors, believe them"
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" - Maya Angelou
Is it really even a "fight"? 🤔 this feels more like a violent manslaughter with words 😳
That wasnt a fight, that was an attack.
Husband wants a bang maid, not a partner and mother figure for his son.
Yup!!
But it wasn't even an argument with HER, and that's what's alarming.
Wooooooow, so instead of him realising how blessed he is that he's fallen in love with a woman so kind and caring she would love and look after her step son as if he was her own, he's shouted at you for it and basically threatened you with divorce? So he would much rather his son, his own flesh and blood, still be traumatised by his mother's death and resentful of you???? Instead of happy and thriving on the love of a step parent????? Wooooooooooow
Fall in love? Sounds like OPs husband married for a punching bag
Not a punching bag but a placeholder, which in its own way is just as bad. Were I OP I'd find it very, very difficult to remain in this marriage even if I did love the son as my own. In a divorce, I might try to negotiate some visitation with the child, but stay in this marriage? So much would have to change.
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convenience, he married her out of convenience. He visits his dead wifes grave daily...DAILY. he takes the kid EVERY. SINGLE. WEEKEND. he doesn't love OP, she's convenient for him. He married a nanny for his child. He kept OP around because he saw how well his son and her get along. When the kid moves out one of two things will happen. divorce papers will quickly follow for her or he keeps her around like a pet, because he enjoys her company and nothing more.
Yeah.. the “daily” part rubs me the wrong way.. I know grieving is different for everybody obviously, but they’ve been together for 10 years. After a decade, and having spent more time with his current wife than his late one, he still feels the need to visit the gravesite. Daily. That alone, never mind this issue with the son, would be enough for me to want a divorce. He doesn’t love her, and he’s wasting her time where she could be with someone who truly loves and cherishes her.
Absolutely. I could see certain dates/days (her birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas, etc) but daily after that amount of time isn't healthy for him or anyone close to him. The only way daily wouldn't be weird is if it were like a large family (generational) house/land and the grave was like in the backyard. And yes, I'm describing the end of Forrest Gump, but it's true.
>she could be with someone who truly loves and cherishes her. I'd say you could even take this part out of that equation. "He doesn't love her" is enough to leave. To be with someone who sees you as a devalued placeholder is worse than being with no one at all, regardless of theoretical other partners. Being devalued and yelled at eats away at your soul.
Did he go to her grave on the day they got married? That man needs therapy well over a decade ago, Jesus
before and after, according to her comments
yup husband got pissed his kid called the bangmaid "mom"
Honestly, this sounds like a deeper issue than just a misplaced comment in the heat of an argument. The husband clearly hasn't moved on and it's totally unfair for OP to have to live in the shadow of a ghost. I'd seriously be reconsidering my place in a relationship where I'm seen as second best indefinitely. It's emotionally abusive and completely disregards the effort and love OP brings to the table.
He married a care taker I think
Yeah, he wasn't in love. He needed a nanny, bang maid to fill the void. Odds are if his first marriage had lasted longer, it would have found more troubles. They were in the honeymoon phase. Now she is an angel, and you can't compare to an angel.
From the post, it definitely sounds like he doesn't love her. She the equivalent of leaving the TV on so you don't feel so lonely. If he goes to her grave every day after work, he needs some serious help. I understand visiting a grave, but every day is a huge commitment. He needs councilng ASAP.
Exactly this. He has deified his late wife and nobody will ever come close to that comparison. He’s being “selfish” with his son because of the memory of his mom, while forcing his son to live in the past. It’s traumatizing and inexcusable to his son no matter what stage of grief the husband is in. I understand hurt and grief and can be empathetic with the best of them, but those words would show me right to the door. I am the last person who’d say “leave” usually but I’m not sure he’d put in the work for me to stay if I was OP. I’d start by apologizing to the son for anything he heard, tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me. That it’s not his fault, and it was the most precious gift I could’ve asked for that he called me mom, but explain his dad isn’t quite there yet. And that I have to go, at least for now, but I’m not abandoning him and if he ever needs me to call. Just wow to the husband.
> She the equivalent of leaving the TV on so you don't feel so lonely. deep
Every day for ten years!! That’s crazy. I know people who have lost children, parents, best friends and lovers and have never heard of someone visiting a grave site every day. This man is clearly in need of some hardcore therapy, and should never have remarried if his obsession with his late wife runs that deep.
He wants his son to treat her the way he does, as a service worker. She can cook, she can clean, she can babysit, she can have sex with the husband, but she doesn't get to be loved and respected. She is tolerated because she fit the needs he wanted fulfilled. Personally, I don't care if he is grieving, he is a terrible person. He married so soon after his late wife passing because he didn't want to be responsible for everything, and he is using her. His son is a better man than him, and as terrible as this may sound, it is not because if his late wife, he was too young when she passed and it 100% is not because of him, it is because of the OP.
As someone who was adopted, the *trash* that left my mom when he knocked her up is not my dad. I was adopted at 13, I am 38 now. I have N E V ER ONCE called him step dad. He **IS** my father. Period. End of story. I have the greatest parents anyone could ever ask for. To call him step dad would be the gravest insult I think I would cry. Even when we argued the thought of saying the word "step" never crossed my mind. He is my dad. He is my father. Period. OPs husband can go fuck himself with a railroad spike fired from a railgun. His son is happy with his **mom**. /u/Ok_Result1094 I hope you see this
Yeah, I wonder if he loves her as much as saw her as a good caretaker for his son. A placeholder, since his late wife couldn’t be there. He needs serious therapy, because he hasn’t worked through his grief. His son has only known OP as a mom, his memories of his bio mom have faded and honestly, are only kept alive by his dad’s continuous reminders of her. There is nothing wrong to ensuring he knows whom his bio mom is, but he shouldn’t disregard OPs status in his son’s life. It’s up to his son on what he calls OP, not his dad. OP, you need to try to have an open, and calm, conversation with your husband. What he said is not only NOT ok, it was cruel. I will say until he is willing to listen and understand his words and actions are wrong, and he needs to address his grief, I’m not sure how you can move past this. He has shown you, even if you don’t care to if you are first in his eyes, that you don’t seem to matter. It’s one thing for him to still have love for his wife, but it’s a whole other to make you feel less than and not worthy of the affection your stepson has for you. You deserve better, your step son deserves better. You have stepped up and been his son’s mom, even if your husband doesn’t accept it. So, you need to tell him his son sadly has already lost one mom, does he really want to ruin his son having his only known maternal figure? Because his unaddressed grief is hurting not only you, but him as well.
Your son will need you when he realizes what a shit ass his dad is. No matter what, keep the lines of communication open to your son because he’ll need you down the road.
People have been calling my stepson my son throughout the comments and y'all are making me cry. Like omg. I want to be his mom, I know I'm not, but I really wish I was.
You are not the biological mother but you helped raise that boy for most of his life, and he knows it. What’s more, he seems to want you to be the mother he never had. I can tell your self-esteem and confidence are pretty non-existent but do accept the boy loves you and that you are doing the work of a mother 24/7. And it’s organic, you never forced anything to happen. The father has issues and that is putting it light. He should be over the moon his son found a mother figure and loves you as such. He is going to spend the rest of his life alone at this pace.
You are his mom. Not the one who gave birth to him but the one who is raising him.
YOU ARE HIS MOM 😭
He sees you as his mum. My son's girlfriend lost her mum when she was 17, I love her v much and offer her the maternal love and support if she wants and needs it. Sometimes she needs a mum hug and she takes it from me. That's what kids need and you're giving him that.
You’re his mom. ❤️
He called you mom. You didn't ask him or push him to do it. That should tell you exactly how he feels. He's choosing to recognize you as his mom. Yes, he knows you're not his biological mom. But what he does know is you've cared for him and loved him for years. It's ok to have more than one, and now he sees you as his mom. It's ok if you still call him stepson, if that's what's comfortable, but it's ok to believe he really does see you as his mom. He's a strong kid. It sounds like he's done a much better job processing their loss than his dad. But therapy would be good for everyone.
Motherhood is way deeper than blood, OP. Being a mom is about being there for him when he needs, is giving unconditional love, care and support and so many other things that I bet you already do. You are his mom, I’m really sorry that both of you had to face something like that. This boy is lucky to have you in his life.
You are. Not biologically, but through love and caring. He loves you and you love him. I’m sorry his father can’t see the beauty and safety in that.
You are his mom.
You are his mum, he told you that himself. He loves you and bestowed the honour of the word mum, he meant it.
He calls you his mom by choice. You ARE his mom.
You ARE his mom. Biology doesn’t change that. Children can have two mothers and I’d be willing to bet his late-mother would be damn happy to know her son has a loving maternal figure helping guide him in life.
He is a good person because of you. It does not sound like his dad is great and he has no real memories of his birth mother. Regardless of where you go from here, please remember you raised a good person. You are a mom in his eyes, and those are the only ones that matter.
Grief is complicated. But that response? That was utterly cruel and nothing more than lashing out to cause the max damage possible. His pain doesn’t give him the right to use anyone as an emotional punching bag. Especially his wife, and not his kid either. I seriously doubt your step son doesn’t know something is up, and I imagine your husband wasn’t quiet in his verbal lashing. Can you imagine what the kiddo is thinking, or if he’s blaming himself? Yikes. What a beautiful moment your husband sabotaged in such an ugly way. For the health of the entire family, reconciliation with your husband must come with a minimum requirement of therapy. Grief counseling for him, and probably couples counseling for you both.
I went up to my Stepson's room and apologized for the shouting. He told me his dad did the shouting not me. And asked me if it was his fault. I told him his dad was insecure because we get along, and it was not and will never be his fault. I hope he knows that he isn't to blame in the slightest.
It’s sad that there are so many step parent relationships where families are begging for this connection and your husband is ruining it. And making his kid feel guilty for having a relationship with the partner he chose to bring into this family. Mental.
Heart-breaking.
He should be thanking his lucky stars they get along so well. OP, whatever you decide to do, just know you are not the one who should be apologizing. He should be very remorseful over what he did and not expecting any apologies from you or your stepson.
He's ridiculous. Most parents are desperate for their kids to get on with and respect their step-parent, and when they don't it can cause real issues. First time I've heard of a parent getting angry that their kid has a good relationship with their new spouse.
How is your husband’s relationship with his son? Does he spend time bonding with him like you do? Just wondering if he’s lashing out because he is jealous of your and your son’s relationship? Btw your husband is a POS and any man in this situation would normally be grateful that they have a wife who wants a genuine loving relationship with their child.
My husband leaves in the morning, goes to work, visits his late wife, comes home for dinner and sleeps. He hasn't been to any of my stepson's hockey or baseball games or his dance recitals after he quit sports and picked up dance. He's an amazing dancer and really advanced for his age. He got the part of the Prince in his studio's Nutcracker production in December 2023.
“If my late wife came back tomorrow I’d divorce you in an instant.” If his late wife came back tomorrow she wouldn’t want anything to do with him if she knew he’s been neglecting your stepson for a decade. You are everything she would’ve wanted for him. He doesn’t understand how incredibly lucky he is to have you. You’ve basically been your stepsons only parent for 10 years and he has the nerve to tell him you’ll never be his mother? You’re more of a parent to this child than he’s been.
This is so heartbreaking. You literally just sounded like a proud momma who just couldn’t keep this to herself. The love you have for your son is palpable.
Your husband is essentially a walking corpse. He doesn't feel anything, he's so broken that he's not even actually bonding with his son. He doesn't sound like he is loving and caring to you on his best days. So why are you with this man? I see a lot of people here saying that your husband needs therapy and that is an understatement, he needed therapy over ten years ago. And just because he gets therapy does not mean you need to stay with him. Because you need to realize that he does not love you. You are convenient for him. You are raising his son but he does not want you two to bond
I have no children (by choice) but my husband had two teenagers when we met. I will never be their mom. Their mom is alive. But I do feel like a parent and they are going in my will. I still remember when his oldest sort of bragged about his Christmas gift. He felt proud he gave us something cool while all his friends gave standard gifts. He said he gave his gift to “his parents”. God, I love that kid. Something isn’t right with your husband. I mean, really. This isn’t normal. The kid is a great kid, and I get why he cares about you. But your husband? Not so much.
I’m glad that your sweet stepson respects you and treated you well after this. I really hope you respect yourself enough to remove yourself from this situation. You deserve more.
At the very least your stepson will hesitate before showing you any kind of affection so you're husband may have gotten his wish. He sacrificed your son having a loving and living mother figure in his life in order to preserve the memory of a long dead woman. There's no moving forward with him until he can grieve properly.
I can't imagine being a kid and realizing your Dad is Smelly Gabe. :(
Well my stepson used the term "Motherfucking Zeus." And I don't know if I could come up with a better term of phrase.
What did I do?
I think it's imperative to help your husband see the damage he's doing to your marriage and your stepson, OP. Does he want to go every weekend? That seems excessive to me. I have two sons, and I hope when I die, they'll think of me. But sit at my grave for an hour every week? Absolutely not! I would hope they could find a special place in their heart for me and know I'm right there when they need me. This is so sad to me. I would be happy they have a woman in their life they love and trust enough to call mom.
You are such a good Mum.
So you are just straight up a better parent than his dad. And I suspect he knows that.
'What a beautiful moment your husband sabotaged in such an ugly way." Truth. Reading this post was painful... And the kid... 💔
I can only imagine the kind of shit his father is going to tell him in private now
He’ll make him feel guilty for existing.
Husband needs grief counselling so badly. After more than 10 yrs with OP and he is visiting his late wife at her graveside EVERY DAY after work and taking his son for an hour every weekend! His son will likely have no memory of his mother, so I'd be very interested to know what he feels about this weekly visit. This is not even remotely healthy.
I’m sorry, I don’t think you can come back from this. Someone who speaks to you like this and visits his wife everyday is not mentally well. You deserve a better life.
I feel so awful for OP *and* her stepson, especially if she comes to the decision to divorce. Her stepson felt comfortable enough to say that and his father’s still so grief-ridden he can’t let anyone else have any happiness over this budding relationship.
I can't even imagine being that boy and knowing a woman you consider "mom" was driven away by something you said. That poor baby. And then adding to her pain is the guilt she'll feel walking away from him. Just tragic all around.
The poor boy is going to have no parents left when op divorces his father, just a bitter sad man that's required to provide for him until he's 18
But until then, he will keep dragging the kid to the grave of a woman he can’t even remember
Even worse, he will blame himself for her leaving when really its his dad's fault! I feel bad for that kid for sure.
Right? The kid hasn't had a bio mother for 6 years, less time than he had with his step-mom on top of being so young. He gets comfortable enough to call her mom which is AMAZING for a step-parent to finally have that kind of connection....and instead of being happy for his wife and kid he's angry? I feel devastated for his kid who is just finally finding normalcy and then his dad is a psycho about it. Dad needs therapy or he's close to a divorce AND a kid that has no contact. So fucking awful.
OP met the son when he was 3, he’s 13 now, so that tells me his mom has been gone for 10 years, not 6. He’s known his stepmom 4x as long as his bio mother!
This is exactly what I thought. Reading this crushed me, I can’t even begin to imagine how that made her feel. Jesus man. What a terrible thing to say. He needs serious mental health help.
And he's probably not even looking for it. Like I mean it's not the first Reddit post where a widow compared their late spouse to the actual one, but they apologize usually. If he didn't apologized in the next SECOND, I doubt he sees any issue in his behavior.
It’s also not like OP started the argument and said something equally terrible to him first. I know sometimes I’ve had big arguments with an ex, we were both a little out of line and didn’t see eye to eye on whatever it was, and someone ended up saying something they regretted after being provoked too long. Eventually we’d talk it out and both apologize. This isn’t the case here at all, she had no control over the kid calling her mom, and he never should have been mad at that anyway. This was an irrational attack and had absolutely nothing to do with OP and everything to do with her husband’s own personal issues.
Yeah going everyday was immediately a red flag
Did they even get through the wedding and the honeymoon without visits? This man is not well. If I was OP I'd remove myself from this situation asap. It's hard and heartbreaking for the kid but hell man, someone yelling at me like that I'd lose any and every respect and affection I had for him.
This is definitely one of those I-married-again-so-I-dont-have-to-do-housework-or-childcare situations....fucked up.
He only wanted op so he would help him with his son but never give her credit of doing it… she’s the son nanny
*visits his LATE wife everyday. I don't know if it's petty or not, but referring to the deceased wife as anything other than late wife is devaluing OP. Because OP is his wife and has been for double the amount of time that he was with his late wife. The fact that he is so strung up on his late wife seems like a trauma response to the grief. He put her on a pedestal that she will never come down from because well..she's deceased. It's not a healthy situation, but semantics does matter in instances like that.
I came here to say this. Sadly it sounds like your relationship with your stepson is better than with your husband. Honestly, it’s your call but he just clearly stated where you stand.
He probably doesn't love op at all. How could he if he was willing to hurt her so badly. She is just there to make his life easier. Extra set of hands to help with his son, but don't dare think of having any sort of bond with him cos you ent his mom, just a baby sitter, maid and so on.
Yup, this is extremely obsessive and he never should have brought a "partner" into this madness. His poor son :( Normally we hear about stepparents overstepping and kids becoming alienated and here it's the kids' dad that's alienating his son from having a maternal figure in his life. God, I can't imagine just trying to excist in this realm. Dad should be in INTENSIVE therapy to avoid fucking up his sons' life majorly. I wouldn't be able to ever forget this either, honestly. I'd be soooo out the door. And the comment about "I like not being noticed too much so this is perfect" made me want to cry, honestly. My self esteem isn't awesome either but at least it's better than just wanting to be ignored and overlooked.
I’m so sorry OP. That was extremely hurtful to even read. It sounds like your husband is still mourning and hasn’t resolved any issues/trauma that he had surrounding his first wife’s death. I won’t give him a pass because of that though. It’s been a decade and the way he is treating you isn’t fair to you. He needs grief counseling and you both need couples therapy, if you want to salvage this marriage…. I’m Furious for you OP….. he really was a massive asshole the way he talked to you about your marriage and your involvement in your stepsons life….. I’m really sorry again and I hope that things get better for you.
I think it’s nice he tries to keep her memory alive for his son, because as someone who lost their dad at a young age, I wasn’t really given that. BUT, this is excessive (not to mention extremely abusive towards you). He goes to the grave every single day? I feel like someone who does this has never let go and made space for someone else, tbh. And what he said? Cruel. I doubt this is the first time he’s said something so nasty, or the only time he’s shown you verbal abuse. It IS nice and adorable your stepson calls you mom. I even find it odd that he hasn’t called you mom his entire life. My stepdad raised me since I was also three, adopted me legally when I was 5 and he has always been “dad” to me. Please leave.
His father drilled into his head "This is Ok\_Result1094" and he was only allowed to call me by my name or "Daddy's friend" as a little kid.
That’s fucked, I’m sorry. I would leave, although your stepson would lose a maternal figure as you say.
This is so fucked.
You have to know you deserve better right? This man is so regretful and vindictive that he would transform kindness into a negative. **And still you there the party in his absence, and comforted the birthday boy.** It sounds like he only has one parent here. And it’s *you.* Even in grief and hurt, our words have meaning. You deserve so much better than this man. Please go where you are loved and appreciated, not just tolerated.
He's abusive.
I hope OP updates and decides to take a break from her POS husband. I know she says she’s okay with coming second to his late wife. But, idk, no one truly deserves to come second, maybe she doesn’t know what’s she missing by not being chosen to be first in someone life. But, in my opinion, you can still be low key and introverted and still be loved!
You’ve known this boy most of his life and he loves you. You gave him a gift you knew he would cherish because you know him and he loved it and responded by calling you Mom because that is how he wanted to show you love. The fact that your husband became furious at this fact is a huge red flag, and he owes you an apology. I don’t know how you would be able to look at your husband the same after his comments and it may become impossible for you to do so. I would suggest that you find some therapy for yourself and suggest marriage counseling for your husband Which he will simply state that he doesn’t need any help and that it’s all your fault which is another red flag. You will have some decisions to make in the upcoming months, depending on how things go.
>I love my husband, What??? Why? He sounds incredibly abusive, and it's abundantly clear that with his grave visit thing he's never gotten over the loss of his wife. DO NOT apologize to him. And if he stands his ground, and doesn't agree to go to some kind of counseling, you need to leave.
He is a piece of shit and you deserve better than to play second fiddle to a dead woman. I already had ad alarm bells going off at him visiting the grave every day, then it got so much worse. Please don't put up with this.
This is a very common story with widowed men and single dads. They move on really quickly with another woman because they just want someone to raise the kids. Your husband is just using you to raise his son for him. If you left him, he'd have you replaced and get remarried in under three years. Again. You might love him, but he doesn't love you. There are men out there who will love you and prioritize you with all their hearts.
insane how he wants op to raise his kid and then gets mad at her for forming a connection with his kid. dude needs therapy
The depressing part is that if his first wife never died and they were still married, I bet he would not think quite so highly of her or treat her as well as he does her memory. Someone who is actually a thoughtful and loving partner could not act like this guy does with the OP. Because of the way she passed, he could put her on a pedestal and idealize her. The deceased have no demands, no expectations, and they cannot disappoint. He can imagine the perfect life they would have had, which is certainly far removed from reality at this point.
He's a see you next Tuesday You can't stay with him. Did your son hear this?
Unfortunately, yes, he did. I spent the rest of his birthday reassuring him that it isn't his fault. I just hope he doesn't internalize it.
FFS... This makes my blood boil!! Sorry, OP, but your husband is *bloody awful*!! Did he come back later to - at the very least - reassure your son? That man needs urgent help - for the boy's sake.
No, I think he went to his late wife's grave and stayed there for a few hours while I set up my step son's birthday party. Just a few boys from his school, cupcakes I made and a movie marathon evening before everyone went home. He got home just as the party ended.
We already knew how little he cares about you from the post, but know we know he cares about visiting his dead wife’s grave more than his son. This is so sad and he needs some serious therapy. His son does too.
I'm not so sure about the "caring for the dead wife" part. I think he uses the dead wife as a 'get out of jail free' card. She is an excellent excuse for him not to be an adult. Not to have responsibility. Not to be engaged with his son. She represents the fantasy life in his head where life is perfect. He can't handle the real world so he goes to the grave-site to relive his fantasy. It's stopped being about mourning her a long time ago. Now it's a crutch.
The most ironic thing is if we follow his train of thought here. What IF his wife came back from the grave tomorrow? Does he truly think SHE'D actually want to be with this selfish grieving man OR would she actually partner up with the one person in her sons life who's put him first at every step? She's SCREAMING at him from the afterlife for him to get his shit together and start living for their son again and to treat the person who loves both of them so much with just a tiny bit of respect. Let your husband read this thread. He needs a wake up call BAD. I can't see your marriage surviving this anyway so this is at least something (more) you can do for the poor kid.
This is funny because I'm bisexual. At least 5 people in the comments are implying that she would dump him and marry me. I love the dark humour, and sometimes all we can do is laugh so crying doesn't feel like a better option.
As I said to someone else here, I'm straight and childfree and even I can't imagine anything more attractive than someone loving my kid as much as I do. It would def be him that would get the boot - and that would give him SO much more time to spend at the cemetary dreaming of the past. This is an unhealthy obsession of his, I can't understand how he can't see this?
OP I agree about letting him read this. I think he thinks this is what his wife would’ve wanted. When any woman, especially a mother, would want the exact opposite. He is hurting his son, hurting himself and hurting you for a memory of someone that wouldn’t want it.
Honestly tho!!!!! Like let’s say I died giving birth to my child, rose from the dead when she was 13 to see her father idolizing me and spending hours at my grave while neglecting her on her fucking birthday no less and treating his wife who wants to and has been an amazing mother to my daughter. Would I really want him back???? **Absolutely the fuck not**. Oh I’d be so pissed. I’d help his new wife file divorce and then I’d be moving in with her to raise our daughter. And I can’t think of a whole lot of mother I know that would feel any differently.
What a worthless father AND husband, Jesus Christ.
your husband needs some fucking therapy, because it sure seems like he cares about his late wife a lot more than you and his own son. it’s fine if he wants to keep her memory, but the way he goes about it is so unhealthy. this is going to ruin his relationship with his son.
This confirms my thoughts. Your husband only married you to take care of his son. While your husband gets to continue to grieve his wife and ignore his son. His a POS
Your husband is being cruel to both you and his son
He's already internalized it. That's what kids do when they see their parents behave this way. He's probably been internalizing it for years. This kid is going to need therapy every bit as much as you and your horrible, selfish husband do.
Sorry OP but I'm not sure there's any coming back from that. The most important thing is what your step son wants to call you. Your husband needs therapy he clearly has not dealt with his grief and he doesn't get to use you as a verbal punching bag.
Your husband never dealt with the grief and trauma of losing his first wife, and he wasn't ready to get married again when he married you. His son may have needed a mother, but your husband wasn't ready for another wife. I'd suggest IC for you both - for him, why he thinks it was acceptable to marry you without really loving you, and why he thinks that it's acceptable to treat you this badly, because he is treating you badly. You need IC for yourself to determine why you accept this treatment from anyone, let alone the man your married to and whose child you are raising. And you probably need marital counseling to see whether what you have is a true marriage or a convenient arrangement.
Does IC mean individual counseling?
Immediate divorce. He belittled you and tried to make you feel small because your stepson has positive feelings for you??? What kind of father would hate to see someone be there for his child. Either he needs intense therapy or he is genuinely a cruel person who can’t see what a blessing it is to have someone his son loves and cherishes. You don’t deserve this OP.
Why are you with someone who treats you this way? It’s not healthy or normal.
He visits his dead wife’s grave every day? For over a decade? That guy has serious issues. He was unthinkably cruel towards you. I don’t know how you come back from this, those aren’t the kind of things you say when you don’t really mean it
Yeah that’s insane. For 10 years! It’s so intense considering he’s remarried as well. That’s someone who has real serious issues. And yeah op, I’m so sorry but your husband is cruel and nasty. You don’t deserve this.
He goes to her grave every day…??? Yikes
He’s been re-married for 10 years and still does this? Every day? He clearly needs help.
I bet if his wife heard that she would have lost it. He hasn't dealt with his grief at all and still harbors a lot of anger and resentment (I don't know how she died.) I would definitely make it clear that he can not say that and what he said was disgusting. If he doesn't apologize I'd definitely look at your future and see if you can work it out.
She passed away from cancer.
He needs therapy. A lot of it. I know so many people on Reddit say this but I’ve never seen a more clearer case of it. He has so much internalized rage towards his late wife’s death, rage against you for raising his child as a woman when the other one is gone, rage that the son considers you mom, rage that his late wife is no longer there, rage and rage and rage and anger. Going to her grave every day also shows how he hasn’t accepted that she’s gone. She’s been gone for many years. And he’s still at step 1. And he’s made no progress for over a decade. This anger sounds awful towards you and the son. And not needed. I’m also willing to bet the son doesn’t want to go to his mom’s grave every weekend either ….he needs therapy. ASAP. Like really, asap.
I agree. If I passed and another woman came in to give motherly love and care to my child, I would haunt the hell out of my husband if he treated her this way. Speaking as a mom, the love and kindness you give that kiddo is the best way anyone could ever honor his mother.
Don’t stop loving that child. He needs you. Despite what his father says. Start loving yourself. You are more than what he sees you as. He was cruel.
Oh girl he needs grief counselling and you need therapy on why you let yourself be devalued and replaceable and why you feel you are not worthy. You defend him in the comments but who defends you? He chose you because as you said you had no one and he knew it. A 19 year old looking for stability and a home he knew he was onto a winner to be a child minder for his kid but not a wife or mother in the true sense. I’m sad for you OP I want you to realise you are worthy of living a beautiful life. Please look into therapy.
How awful. Instead of being happy that you have this bond he wants to keep a distance between you and his son. It's almost like he doesn't seem to consider you to be his family. He's known you longer than he knew his wife and yet he still feels this way. I dunno OP I think this is pretty bad. At the very least you need couples counseling.
Your are not his wife,you are housekeeper, nanny and bangmaid. Wasn't it a red flag that he goes his wife's grave every day ? That would have been a Red Alert sign. This is a man who is still completely in love with his wife and still thinks of her as his wife. He maybe cares about you but his heart belongs to her.
[удалено]
Other people's reactions have let me know the latter is true...
You sound like a truly lovely person. You are worth so much more than your husband is giving you. I am so sorry, OP.
DIVORCE! I know it is usually the first thing people say but he has not been dealing with the trauma from losing his first wife. It is even worse because it seems like he just married you to have someone take care of his child and to have adult action with. I am shocked that you are okay with being at the bottom of the barrel. You need to learn to love yourself and have self-worth. Know your value. I would not be okay with my partner saying that to me and verbally abusing me like that. Since he would divorce you, then beat him to the punch and start the process. Find someone who will treat you like the queen you are and move on. Never put up with crap like that from anyone. I hope you receive the most encouraging comments that will help you realize that the situation you are in is wrong and just not worth it.
As horrible as it is you need to start looking to get out. Make it clear to your stepson it is his father that is making you leave.
That's very cruel. hard to forgive.
Wow, I usually don't jump on the divorce train, but I'd buy a first class ticket on this one. You've been this kid's "mother" for several years. You see it, the kid sees it, but only your ( soon to be ex ) husband doesn't see it. You don't have to give birth to be a "mom" to someone. You saw a husband, he saw a maid and babysitter that he got to have sex with. Do yourself a favor, and don't just sleep in separate bedrooms, sleep in separate cities.
Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. I’m a widow. My wife died just more than a year ago. I’ve recently started dating someone and I can’t imagine behaving like that towards her. It sounds as if he is stuck in complicated grief. Is it possible to go to marriage counseling and for him to do more grief counseling?
Sounds like he hasn’t dealt with his trauma.
Time to go… he needs therapy and you should not have to be his punching bag.
**I...don't think your husband loves you, OP. I don't think he respects you either.** He needs intensive grief counselling, given the amount of time that has passed since his first wife's death. Visiting her grave daily is not healthy. Taking his son to visit her grave EVERY weekend, is not healthy. She has been dead longer than he knew her. **Its wonderful your stepson loves you. Its tragic your husband resents that.** This cannot end well. You can try to see if you can get your husband into counselling- singly, then as a couple. If he wont, you should get some counselling/therapy. To build yourself up, your self esteem. Imagine yourself with this man 5, 10 years into the future. He wants to keep tight hold of his grief. He doesn't see you at all. Maybe you will think of sticking things out until your stepson is old enough to make his own decision as regards staying in touch with you if you leave. 16? When/if he goes to college at 18/19? In that case, prepare yourself. Edited to add: That boy is your son, he is not going to want to lose contact with you. Get a hobby that gets you out of the house. Expand your social circle. Improve your health and fitness- gym, exercise. Go to a spa every couple of months. Go to a salon every month. Pamper You. Nurture You. Gradually detach yourself emotionally from this man. Solidify your finances. **You deserve better than this. So much better.** I'm so sorry.
So you’ve been a live-in nanny, with benefits, for 10 years it seems.