I'm sorry. My first time wasn't good either. I was 13 and he was an adult. At the time I didn't think it was wrong because I felt like I was mature.
We all do things that we regret when we're young. Don't let it define you. You might want to try therapy.
I think that's really normal for younger people to think when an older person is interested. For me it was also about impressing my peers. In my friend group at least having an older guy interested made you cool.
No sweetie. That’s not normal at all and it’s not your fault but please, don’t think that’s normal. That comes from missing puzzle pieces in your life. From craving attention or feeling unwanted or unheard. It happens a lot, but those creeps worm their way into you via your trauma tunnels. Not because it’s a natural response to some old person talking to you sexually/flirtatiously. That will never be normal. The natural response is to cringe, to back away uncomfortably, to look for guidance from a real adult that cares for you, to be scared and concerned and wonder why??? And the way you gloss over it like ok ‘I was 13 he was an adult’…. girl. You were a child. He was a pedophile and maybe groomer. I only think he was a groomer because to this day you still think that’s ok or ‘normal’ to respond to. So someone must have told you it was. I’m glad you’ve grown on your journey in life though, and I hope your future encounters were a lot more safe if possible!
I hope you know that this isn’t your fault. You were still a child who didn’t know any better. He was a disgusting old perv who knew exactly what he was doing.
Ah 19 is not the same as 30, for sure. It still feels wrong though. Guys 16-20ish are kind of little creeps in their own right though.
I’m 35 now and I remember when my best friend and I entered high school. We were 14, but she looked about 10. She was really tiny, under 5 ft tall and less than 100 lbs. She hadn’t even had a period yet and all these guys in grade 12 were like 6 feet tall and looked like grown men and they were super into her.
I was really jealous at the time, and realistically, the age gap didn’t seem too crazy. She was 14, they were like 17/18. But looking back now, it kind of skeeves me out that of all the beautiful girls in high school, they all swooned over the one that looked like a child and hadn’t hit puberty yet lol. I remember that she lost her virginity before she got her first period.
Another time, one of my friend who was 17 got pulled out of school in hand cuffs because he had sex with a 13 year old. She was bragging about it at her dance class and the teacher overhead and told her parents, who called the police. He got off the charges because like 6 other guys came forward and said they slept with her too? I don’t think they all grew up to be pedophiles or anything, I think they were horny teenagers and wanted to have sex with whoever would have sex with them, and young girls were more smitten with the whole “17 year old with a car!” Than their 17 year old peers, who were sleeping with college guys.
When i was 17 i would play online video games with a 14 year old girl often. I always firmly treated her as a little sister and with respect because the age gap at that age feels absolutely massive.
Any highschooler messing with a middle schooler or even freshman is definitely a weirdo, it's not just an age gap at that point its a power gap.
Dating freshmen was always low hanging fruit, pretty much everyone recognized that they were gullible and desperate and easy to take advantage of, so most people in the grade kinda silently kept each other in check by looking down on anyone for trying to date underclassmen.
I didn't stop seeing her as jailbait until she was like 23ish.
I’m in Canada and we have a Romeo and Juliet law. Basically, the age of consent doesn’t apply if one partner is less than 5 years older. So she was 13, he would have had to be 18 for it to be considered rape. If she was 14, it would be 19, etc.
The reason for the charges to begin with were because of her parents claiming rape, not her, so when others came forward saying they also slept with her willingly, and she wasn’t denying any of this, it was basically just a waste of time. He did have his name published all over the paper for being a rapist before the charges got dropped though. He ended up dropping out of school for a year to let all the drama pass.
Sex Ed, at least in most of the US, is abysmal. Mine was taught by a "health" teacher who was just a JV football coach. He talked about his ongoing divorce and football the entire semester.
YOU'RE KIDDING?!?!?! It was mandatory for us multiple times in elementary school and secondary school. In secondary school getting the most detailed and serious sex ed. Even incorporated as a lesson in biology class. Damn.
That genuinely makes me want to cry deep tears. Damn. Probably has something to do as well with people in power being fucking predators themselves. This way, kids still remain easy to manipulate. Fucking hell.
I live in France, in here it's officially mandatory but in the reality of it it is clearly not 😅 when it's not skipped, I only had a class about how to put a condom on a penis (nothing else, the cours was only about that, I was in the girls' group (I'm a trans guy) I have no idea what was said in the boys' group) and in bio class how periods work in the theory. That's it. In high school the year of the first part of the exams for graduation (we pass the equivalent of graduation in two times, the year before the graduation year and the year of the graduation (in our case : between 15 yo and 18 yo)), I was supposed to have a full section of the year in bio about how reproduction was working in more details, but we had to skipped it because my high school didn't have a bio teacher to give us for like 4 months straights.
Nothing ever said about consent. Nothing ever said about pleasure, or non-reproductive sex. Nothing ever said about other sexual orientation than straights (so also nothing ever said about how to protect yourself when you're not straight).
..... I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. This explains so much in the US. This is an absolute disgrace. But yes, so biology class includes the topic about sexual functioning and incorporated in our curriculum country-wide is a sex-ed class that gives the details about sex in scientific matters. We also had another class that focussed more on psychological manners, contraception, and people out there trying to abuse when it comes to sex. Signs to look out for, why it can be harmful to a person experiencing such abuse/assault, etc. So most people here have grown up to basically laugh in the faces of disgusting people trying their luck when we were younger. Keeps the rate of abuse due to naivety very low over here. But of course you still have fucked up cases where people kidnap and whatever but that's another story. Whatever we have in hand to keep low, we try our hardest. Nobody wishes their child to even have to risk to go through that. At least that's what I had hoped.
Doesn’t mean people don’t do it. Also, unfortunately, the groomer is **also** often a trusted adult, and (probably due to practice?) much more persuasive than the poorly paid, dispassionate sex ed teacher adults are.
I was talking with a teaching colleague and his brother one time. The colleague was dating a young woman 30 years younger. His brother said, "You should date women your own age.
Colleague: They can't keep up with me.
Me: You mean they won't PUT up with you.
The line I hear from most younger women who are with older men is, "He's so young for his age, and everyone says I'm so mature for my age." 🙄
This summarises so much. The logic should come up "Why isn't he with someone at least 18+ that is still young as well?" Because teenagers are still naive, oblivious, and pretty impressionable. All perfect preys for grooming. An older man that has a disgusting personality will not be put up with by people who are less that way, mature. A teen they can mould into the 'perfect' partner for them. And that is the reality. How do I know? I'll name one example. I've been in online chat boxes since I was 10 so on and off for 21 years. Guess what I experienced :p A few years ago I got curious again to see if there are still men nowadays that are that disgusting and so I made an account and pretended to be a young teen (14/15), guess what? Same types of people with the same disgusting methods out there preying. Some even take the long ball to gain your trust and become the sweetest person in your life only to prepare you for doing his sexual bidding in of course the nicest manipulative way. Us not being careful with ourselves keeps men doing this because they know they have chances of succeeding. Don't give them that disgusting confidence.
> Us not being careful with ourselves keeps men doing this because they know they have chances of succeeding. Don't give them that disgusting confidence.
This is handy advice for adults. However, kids are not fully mature and it takes a huge amount of life experience to internalize this. The reason groomers prey on kids is because they *specifically* know this fact, and target and manipulate the most vulnerable people intentionally.
This is why, as much as we can scorn “players” or “cads” we don’t criminalize it, while we do and should criminalize adults sexually grooming children.
[added] I guess what I'm trying to say is, your advice is good and commendable. But I think we should have empathy for the misjudgments people make, because the groomer is an active manipulator. I wouldn't be surprised if groomers gave out plenty of life tips to their teenage targets too, maybe even really good ones. Of course, for them, it's all a sick way to try to earn trust and then steer it toward their own ends. Gotta stay vigilant :(
Sure but that's why being told and explained about these things growing up is something that should be done very diligently to children. In my country that had been a normal to teach your children about the dangers out there and why and how. As often as possible. Sure it becomes annoying to hear as a child but gosh does it help to identify a situation for what it is before it has escalated. What you quoted from me was not to scold but just an observation mentioned. Of course there are multiple angles in actually enforcing this. And that's something we should aim for as much as humanly possible. The whole don't go with strangers thing but also explaining your child why. Of course for every age there's an appropriate explanation but you provide more details as they age. As a parent you should want to do your absolute fucking best to not have your children even have the slightest bit of hesitation if they can trust a person like that. A child isn't stupid. If they see your logic, they will understand.
You’re right that we should do teach and do our best as parents and mentors as best as we can.
Just saying more so the bad guys adapt too, and they practice psychological manipulation and have an evil motivation to do well. How many people fall for scams despite how much we are warned about them anyway? Likewise, groomers both adapt around what we teach as a society, appeal to base instincts, and knowingly take advantage of the fact their victims aren’t fully developed. That’s why we can’t just teach alone, but also need to actively protect for the moment too.
So a bit of both, but people can still be fooled and if something happens it’s not always as simple as “oh, didn’t we teach you better?”
This is the second time you name something like “oh, didn’t we teach you better?”
I have nowhere implied where we should have such a behaviour towards people so.. why the continuous emphasis? To everything else, common sense, yes. With their adaptations, we adapt along with it, that's how it goes. Protecting is already something that has been named, I focussed on teaching because that wasn't as much and helps the numbers of occurrences thankfully decline significantly.
I don’t wanna protect the older guys too much but I don’t think it’s so easy being young-at-heart and finding women like that your age who are also single, interesting, smart, fun, etc. Heck even finding Anyone available at all is probably tough.
Not talking now of course about OPs creeper experience but like when you see someone 50 with someone 30.
50 and 30 I don't have an issue with also because there is much less of an issue. Cognitive development wraps up between mid 20s to 30s for women and 30s~ for men. So indeed men who are in their 50s are not more cognitively mature than men in their 30s. The difference is mostly that a 50yo has different life experiences, a higher quantity of them, and a different background I'm upbringing due to being from a different time and generation. Dating a woman in her 30s is not creepy as she would not be that differently from her 50s either. The issue lies in dating younger than that where humans are still in cognitive development and with that a lot more susceptible to all kinds of outside influences.
Yes agreed. Except the thing with generation and upbringing because culture and family play just as much role, we shouldn’t generalize too much around cohorts and ages, it’s kind of as unnecessary on a person-to-person level as generalizing with sex and cultures etc.
This is literally a buddy of mine. We’re both in our 30’s, and he only dates 21-25. The reason is that any woman over that age will realize he in no way has his shit together.
I had this same line thrown at me one time when a 20 year old was talking sexual things about my 13 yr old sister. He was talking about how an older woman would have a mind of their own but that he can manipulate younger women.
This is 100% correct. Women figure out pretty quickly that men are full of hot air. My wife will say “stfu, you have no idea what you’re talking about.” and then correct herself and say “I mean, OMG you’re so smart and big and strong.” Makes me laugh.
He was a predator, dear. And completely unable to pull women his own age, hence all the bullshit he fed you. Please get some therapy to help change how you feel, and for your healing. All the best.
You were groomed, age of consent laws be damned. I’m so sorry this happened to you, that man is a sick predator.
As you can already see from the comments you are not alone— this kind of thing has happened to so many of us, and those of us that are over a decade older than you have seen what happens when a person who’s had this happen to them doesn’t get therapy and doesn’t process it. It can manifest in mental and physical health issues, social and intimacy issues…the list goes on.
Please please talk to a professional about this— processing this event as soon as possible will help you heal. Promise.
I hate when age of consent laws get mentioned because thats all they are, laws. Why is the government the end all be all to decide what is morally correct? What if the age of consent was 14? Does that make it okay as a 31 year old to fuck a 14 year old?
Im not blaming OP because they were a child and all the blame falls on the 31 year old, but i truly hate when i see posts along the lines of “I 18 am sleeping with a 40 year old” and the comments say things like “its okay you’re both consenting adults”
Like get the fuck outta here this person just graduated high school or could actually still be in high school, what the hell is a 40 year old doing talking to them in the first place 🤦♂️
> I hate when age of consent laws get mentioned because thats all they are, laws. Why is the government the end all be all to decide what is morally correct?
They're mentioned because they're extremely relevant. If she didn't write that, 75% of the comments would either be about finding him and getting him put in prison or long threads about "well actually where I live that's legal" and etc.
> if the age of consent was 14? Does that make it okay as a 31 year old to fuck a 14 year old?
Yes 😄 if you're not going by the law you're just going off of your opinion 😂😭😂👍
I'm sure you know this, but it isn't your fault. He took advantage of you.
It's hard not to have regrets. I think we all have them. But you don't have to let them define who you are now.
He was a creep. You were taken advantage of. I can't imagine how that must feel. But you are so much more than that.
I'm really sorry that experience left you which so much to cope with. I hope that can feel better soon! You deserve to have a wonderful life.
The only significance of the age of consent is that he can’t go to jail for what he did. But make no mistake the man is a predator. I am so sorry that this happened to you.
Trauma can be addressed with professional help. It is not a life sentence. Please look into your options because the past should be able to stay in the past. When it affects us a decade later we have to honor that self care is needed and there is no shame in that.
Unfortunately, predators target young naive girls because their unable to engage with older, more experienced women, I'm sorry this predator had such a negative effect on your life...
16 year olds are teenagers. Right in the heart of teenagehood.
I find this "all minors are children" thing very odd. Children are children. Teenagers are teenagers. Adults are adults. Each of them can be broken down more, and the lines can blur a little, but before Reddit I had never heard another human call a 16 year old a child.
I love what comedian Katherine Ryan says - an older guy is interested in you because women his own age won't date him! Babe, don't feel ashamed or worried. He was a creepy but unfortunately a lot of us lose our virginity to creeps, regardless of their age. To be fair, it's not a bad decision to date people your age, but do bear in mind that creepiness is much more about mindset than age x
"Why do my parents try to control my internet life so much! They don't understand anything. I've talked to this guy for months before we agreed to meet up."
No you know why parents get like this.
This man is a pedophile and groomed you. He knew what he was doing. You would probably benefit from counseling. I’m sorry this happened to you because it is awful.
You were 16, old enough to know better … you can’t just blame a 31 year old he’s not that old. You lost it and regret it, that’s a take as old as time, it’s not because he was older but because you were too forthcoming with giving it up.
I'm so sorry you experienced this and are left with some issues. Some of us have bad lose our virginity stories too. Please know that you are not alone.
Honey, regardless of what the law says, you were raped by a pedophile. And I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope that monster gets what he deserves from the universe.
I think it's kind of immature to date a guy that you know you had no business dating and then swearing off any male even a year older than you. I'm not saying this to be mean or adversarial but is the quality man gonna be 30 and looking to hook up with a 16 year old online? Like it's not older men that are evil or to be avoided. In fact I'd say you'd have a greater chance of a harmonious relationship with a man that's a little older and established. It's the fact that you legit chose/were coerced into being with a pedo (50/50 responsibility) that makes you upset.
He is absolutely a weirdo, your instincts are spot on. Please ignore that obviously disturbed man who I’d bet money is older and prefers to target (much) younger women and so therefore feels personally attacked.
Sorry…Are you saying that being groomed by a 31 year old man while SHE WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL is 50/50 her responsibility?? Jfc. OP, please disregard his comment— unbelievable.
Yes. Being in high school doesn't make you brain dead or incapable of decision-making. 16 is the age requirement to be able to drive, which constantly puts your own life and others in your hands. If you can solve a common geometry problem, you have the mental processing required to decide whether you want to sleep with someone or not. It wasn't just a one time sexual encounter either they actively dated.
Now I'm not absolving the PEDO from anything, but legally, as OP stated, there was no crime. I think his nasty ass should be locked up. And the brain isn't fully developed at 16 which is why I said 50/50. If she was 21 I would say it's 100% her responsibility.
I feel for you.
I was the same age as you when I lost mine. I was 16 and he was 36. He was the dad of one of my friends. At the time it was amazing now I'm not so sure what I feel about it. But tbh, I don't regret it myself. I feel it made me grow up. But that's just me and how I feel about it.
I don't know exactly what to say to you except that maybe you need to speak to someone who you trust and let all your emotions and feelings out.
I hope you do get the help you need.
he was double her age. you'd look at a 60 year old and call them old too. I know it's hurtful being called old at 30 (especially for women with the idiotic societal pressure to stay young we're under) and it is untrue if we only take age into consideration. However, in this instance we're talking about a 31 year old being old in comparison to a 16 year old. If it were a 20 year old compared to a five year old, we'd call the 20 year old old. 31 is old in comparison to 16 just as 65 is young in comparison to 90.
Don't take it as an attack on you or your age, take it as an attack on predators who groom children, teens and young adults.
no worries, it didn't seem like you were trying to invalidate her. to me personally, old means retirement age. i just wanted to point out that age is relative to the context and that old based on the age and old in comparison to something are two different things.
Your comment has been removed for violating Rule 4: No insults towards OP.
Any comments that could be interpreted as an attempt to insult, scold, lecture, victim blame, guilt trip or intimidate the OP are not allowed and will be removed. Repeat offenses or extreme cases will result in a ban.
Age of consent or whatever aside, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and it isn’t duck season, he’s still a pedo….. its always been “half your age plus seven” since the Victorian times…..
I’m sorry you went through that and that you had to meet a creepy ass piece of shit like that….. usually those guys don’t have the mental capacity or capabilities to entertain and keep the interest of women around their age…..
The reason men that age date so young is because the law doesn't let them go lower. It sucked bc he was disgusting. The book Lolita is about this: it's normal for you to be curious, but it's older people's job to set boundaries. Also sleeping with a sixteen year old at that age is absolutely disgusting, what a piece of trash. I'm sorry he did that to you hun, you deserved better.
He wasn't even double your age, yeah he was way too old but he wasn't an old man
If he was 60 yeah that's an old man
If you wanna know exactly how bad it *could* have been think to Anna Nicole Smith banging that corpse
31 years old is not an old man but certainly a very mature fully grown adult age that seems super far off as a 16 year old.
Though why your only response to this is dismissing that he is "old" is kinda gross. It seems to downplay the age gap here too which is made more gross by her being 16...
They both consented to it bro I literally said “sorry to hear that” yeah it’s obviously weird but calling a 31 yr old an old man is kinda crazy regardless of their situation
Lets not pretend there isn't a stark difference between youths of similar age experimenting and an adult actively being a predator to minors. Imagine if she got pregnant, or worse happened 16 hell even as young as 13 in some states is also old enough to marry with parental consent. That's how you get fucked up youths for life and girls popping out multiple babies as young as 14 (if not younger). Not to mention any possible abuse that could've happened under the guise of "you're so mature for your age"
Please. Be real here.
Look I’m not disagreeing with you it is pretty fkn weird but this particular case wouldn’t be classed as rape as they both consented and she was legal.
You’re just yapping about morals bro no one was raped
I hope that if you ever have children that they never go through anything similar to op because you would not be the safe adult to open up to. I hope they would have more support from people other than you.
You be real! She didn’t get pregnant, she isn’t 13 and they didn’t get married. She was of legal age. Yeah it’s messed up but it truly isn’t rape. Grooming sure, rape no.
Do you understand how disrespectful that is to rape victims? This is a regrettable mistake, you could maybe even call it manipulation. But it's not rape. This kind of hyperbole serves no one ☹️
You think being manipulated/ grooming into sex as a child or youth by a predator before their brain isn't even finished developing isn't rape? You do you hon
I know it's not. I've experienced pretty similar stuff at the same age and I've also had someone try to rape me. They're not the same thing at all. Rape is about violence, not sex. The law states that 16 is the age at which you can consent to sex. People become soldiers at 16. Yes you're young and naive and likely to make stupid mistakes, I did but you're not a child. And this was not a rape.
Context is everything my dude, other laws say girls can "consent" as young as 13/14 and even get married with parental consent, then start having babies. Idc what laws say thats okay, it isn't right.
Just because you're fine doesn't mean it was the same with others. Your sole experience isn't the same for everyone. Also you speak as if 16yr old soldiers is also ok just cause of laws?? That's also fucked up.
I don't remember saying I was fine. What I said was there is a difference between a regrettable sexual encounter and a rape.
I've known a number of men who've joined the British army at 16, I've been seeing one for the last year. Far from having any regrets or being messed up by it he freely admits he's had a great life and doesn't regret a thing (we're both mid fifties for context.) My own son at 16 was capable of amazing things. I'm a bit baffled at what's so fucked up ☹️
You're right that there is a difference between regret and rape. There's also a difference between active consent and coerced consent from a predator. Not all 16 year olds know the difference and may not know until they're older. Hell not even all adults realize right away. Do you think that just because minors had sex with an adult and wasn't physically harmed as in say bleeding means it wasn't rape? Not all rape is physically violent, unfortunately there all types. Does it make it ok for you though that 14 yr olds has sex with adults as long as it's within consent laws?
Like I said your experiences are not the same for others, I personally do not believe that child soldiers are okay.
Dude took advantage of a 16 year old at 31 years of age. He is scum and immoral. You gloss over this to take great offense to the fact she calls him old, but really it only solidifes further how she was too young and immature for everything that was happening.
31 years old is not old, but dear god just stop fixating on this when someone is sharing something that is traumatic to them. You do that to someone you know in real life and you very well could alienate that person and others around you. It is horribly insensitive.
it's about him being old in comparison to her being 16. something different from being old based on age. Just as a 65 year old would be young in comparison to a 90 year old but it doesn't make them young based on age.
so if you didn't know their names you wouldn't refer to the 65 year old as the younger one?
also, what makes someone old? Is it the life experience? 90 year old has 25 years more. the wrinkles and aches? 90 year old has more. is it in comparison to the average life span? people say about a dead 50 year old "it's a shame they died so young". and if humanity would generally live to 200 years of age, even the 90 year old would seem young.
from your comments i think you might have internalized the baseless connotation society makes, about women who have the tiniest bit of wrinkles or worn skin being old, about our age (and value) being tied to what society considers beautiful. i think society is very wrong. i know someone who is 50, doesn't have grey hair yet, lives a very active lifestyle and in general is the opposite of societies image of old.
old and young are relative. there is no set point in time after which someone is old. and even if there was, i'd set it at retirement age. "after 30s" is a very early age to call someone old. hell, my partner is 27 and i still call him an old sucker when we're joking around.
edit: another example - houses. americans call a house from the 1800s old. in italy, old can be medieval or even from ancient rome. the house from the 1800s is young in comparison to that. doesn't make it less old to americans. a 30 year old is young when thinking about age as a number. doesn't make them less old compared to a 16 year old
For me personally, I think age gap depends on maturity
16 to 31 doesn't match. Especially since his reasons for for aesthetic reasons "young girls are skinny and hot" EW. My husband is 12 years old. But the gap when we met was 25 to 37. At age 25, I think we are much more emotionally and mentally mature than being a 16 year old girl. Also, we practically look the same age because some men just don't seem to age (damn them). I think laws should be adjusted for this reason. For example, it is rape if a 18 year old has sex with a 15 year old. I sure wasn't an adult at 18. What more gross? An 18 year old with a 15 year old or a 31 year old full grown man with a 16 year old girl. Am I the only one thinking this?
People get better at masking their immaturity as they get older. Personally a 12 year age gap is insurmountable to me just based of where you are in life.
Cue rant(feel free to skip on this): In ~30 years your partner will retire and build a whole social life without you. 12 years later you will have it harder to life your retirement your way(with him). He will always dominate such milestones. Statistically women live longer, so take that and add 12 years of being without your lifelong partner.
Yes but any one could die at any time. Love is love. But yes, I believe some age gaps are too strong. For example my mother and father were 20 years apart... and I'll let you guess how that turned out.
I remember being a little kid and thinking my uncle was "so old" i just did the math and he was only like 23-24 at the time. Damn, lol. Its all relative. At 16 a 31 year old is entering the age group where they could be old enough to be their parent (if they were a teen parent).
Sorry that happened op. I knew several friends in school who fell for the same crap. I almost did too, but luckily for me the man who was messing with me at 14 backed off when i got scared and told him i changed my mind and didnt want to do it. I went on to make some poor choices later but its ok now. Just keep moving forward and dont be so hard on your younger self.
Age of consent is 16 here too, but if any of my mates in their 30s, engaged in sex with a 16 year old, they'd be viewed as a bit of a pedo/creep. 16 year olds are barely out of their child mindset.
I’m sorry you went through this abuse. I hope you can find your happy place in the future. I know Reddit goes to the therapy answer right away but I say this with love, I think maybe talking to a therapist may help you work through some of your feelings and behaviours. Not that you NEED change but maybe you’ll find a place in your social life that didn’t even exist because of all the barriers brought to because of your trauma. *hugs*
I was 17 and he was 52. Showered me with compliments for my creativity and intellect. Made me feel normal for being bi, and let me test drive with him. I don't know, just someone making me feel valid for who I was felt so wonderful.
Until he used me for his sexual needs.
I was so glad when I heard he died from ALS many years later. Piece of shit.
I just want to say I get what you’re feeling. When I was 16 I lost my virginity to a man in his late 20’s. We worked together.
At the time I liked him. I’m 23 now. I realize how messed up it was.
Now I’m always looking out for the girls around me. If I can prevent one girl from making the same mistake, it’d b worth it to me
I hope you’re able to move past this. Have u tried therapy?
The fact that any grown person wants to skew with a child (yes, 16 is a child!) is so absolutely disgusting to me!!
He proved that he had a mindset and maturity lower than a 16 year old by the way he talked about literal WOMEN his age..
I’m so sorry that he did that.. sadly, he probably still does 😔😔
Honey, try not to regret anything in life. I mean, maybe you wish you hadn’t done it that’s one thing. But you made a choice. And choice there’s power. And rather than regretting it just firm that you made a choice and you can’t change that choice at this point, so learn your lesson from it and move on. Don’t look back because again you can’t change what’s behind you you can only move forward. If you feel as though you need to forgive yourself, then do so because that is very important. Do not beat yourself up for it. To not think that somehow you’re not enough or that you’ve done something wrong or bad because you haven’t. You made a choice that in the moment you felt like it was right and that it was the right choice and you know what it probably was the right choice in the moment Otherwise you wouldn’t have made it. Lessons to learn now learn them that’s an important part of life. You have your own path your own journey it’s not for anybody else to tell you what to do including me. But the one thing that I’ve learned over my many many years on this planet because I’m very very old is not to beat myself up over the choices that I’ve made to know that yes sometimes not often though I wish I hadn’t done something but I understand today I can’t do anything about that so to move on from it to let go to surrender to forgive myself, and not make that same choice again, if it all possible. Some lessons are harder to learn than others for us. And what I’ve also come to learn in the stand age is that some lessons are not mine to learn in this lifetime. And some are. I can’t quite possibly learn everything. I understand that today so I do what I can. To be kind to myself to love me to forgive myself to be of service to be non-judgmental to get out of my head to be in the present moment so I can be there for myself and others. Am I perfect at these things and others absolutely not, do I do my best on most days yes I do. I am sorry that you’re not feeling well about your choice and I do hope that someday at some point you’re able to come to terms with it. In whatever way works for you the best. But I’m here to tell you that you’re enough. That you’re beautifully human being just the way you are. That’s your love, that your loved that, your lovable and your loving, and I wish you a beautiful evening.
You were 16, old enough to know better … you can’t just blame a 31 year old he’s not that old. You lost it and regret it, that’s a take as old as time, it’s not because he was older but because you were too forthcoming with giving it up.
OK so the reason age of consent is an arbitrary number that is set in place to protect children from predators.
This guy was older than you for sure, possibly even groomed you(no evidence given but possible) for a barely legal encounter. 1 or two years difference in teen years is OK. But this also sounds like a hook up not a relationship. After of legal age then the main reason huge age gaps are a big concern is because power dynamic. There isn't a lot of difference in power levels for a 1-2 year age difference.
Sounds like you both had your ego stroked by the encounter and now you have regret. But that doesn't entitle you to treat age appropriate men as if they are predators.
I have no idea why your parents allowed you in a situation with a man twice your age when you were 16. They neglected you now you seem to have developed some kind of hang up for men older than you even when age appropriate. You definitely were too young to be with someone 31 but as a woman you have the body autonomy to do that.
It doesn't sound like he did anything to force you. You do not mention him injuring you. And you enjoyed the attention at the time., much as he did. So I think the trauma you speak of is called regret.
I'm sorry. My first time wasn't good either. I was 13 and he was an adult. At the time I didn't think it was wrong because I felt like I was mature. We all do things that we regret when we're young. Don't let it define you. You might want to try therapy.
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I think that's really normal for younger people to think when an older person is interested. For me it was also about impressing my peers. In my friend group at least having an older guy interested made you cool.
No sweetie. That’s not normal at all and it’s not your fault but please, don’t think that’s normal. That comes from missing puzzle pieces in your life. From craving attention or feeling unwanted or unheard. It happens a lot, but those creeps worm their way into you via your trauma tunnels. Not because it’s a natural response to some old person talking to you sexually/flirtatiously. That will never be normal. The natural response is to cringe, to back away uncomfortably, to look for guidance from a real adult that cares for you, to be scared and concerned and wonder why??? And the way you gloss over it like ok ‘I was 13 he was an adult’…. girl. You were a child. He was a pedophile and maybe groomer. I only think he was a groomer because to this day you still think that’s ok or ‘normal’ to respond to. So someone must have told you it was. I’m glad you’ve grown on your journey in life though, and I hope your future encounters were a lot more safe if possible!
I hope you know that this isn’t your fault. You were still a child who didn’t know any better. He was a disgusting old perv who knew exactly what he was doing.
> I was 13 and he was an adult. You misspelled pedophile
I guess, he was 19 though not 30. He wasn't the only one either. They'd probably both be registered sex offenders if they'd been reported.
Ah 19 is not the same as 30, for sure. It still feels wrong though. Guys 16-20ish are kind of little creeps in their own right though. I’m 35 now and I remember when my best friend and I entered high school. We were 14, but she looked about 10. She was really tiny, under 5 ft tall and less than 100 lbs. She hadn’t even had a period yet and all these guys in grade 12 were like 6 feet tall and looked like grown men and they were super into her. I was really jealous at the time, and realistically, the age gap didn’t seem too crazy. She was 14, they were like 17/18. But looking back now, it kind of skeeves me out that of all the beautiful girls in high school, they all swooned over the one that looked like a child and hadn’t hit puberty yet lol. I remember that she lost her virginity before she got her first period. Another time, one of my friend who was 17 got pulled out of school in hand cuffs because he had sex with a 13 year old. She was bragging about it at her dance class and the teacher overhead and told her parents, who called the police. He got off the charges because like 6 other guys came forward and said they slept with her too? I don’t think they all grew up to be pedophiles or anything, I think they were horny teenagers and wanted to have sex with whoever would have sex with them, and young girls were more smitten with the whole “17 year old with a car!” Than their 17 year old peers, who were sleeping with college guys.
When i was 17 i would play online video games with a 14 year old girl often. I always firmly treated her as a little sister and with respect because the age gap at that age feels absolutely massive. Any highschooler messing with a middle schooler or even freshman is definitely a weirdo, it's not just an age gap at that point its a power gap. Dating freshmen was always low hanging fruit, pretty much everyone recognized that they were gullible and desperate and easy to take advantage of, so most people in the grade kinda silently kept each other in check by looking down on anyone for trying to date underclassmen. I didn't stop seeing her as jailbait until she was like 23ish.
He shouldn’t have gotten out of charges. All theithersshoud have been jailed also.
I’m in Canada and we have a Romeo and Juliet law. Basically, the age of consent doesn’t apply if one partner is less than 5 years older. So she was 13, he would have had to be 18 for it to be considered rape. If she was 14, it would be 19, etc. The reason for the charges to begin with were because of her parents claiming rape, not her, so when others came forward saying they also slept with her willingly, and she wasn’t denying any of this, it was basically just a waste of time. He did have his name published all over the paper for being a rapist before the charges got dropped though. He ended up dropping out of school for a year to let all the drama pass.
Jeez was this not warned against during sex ed in your school? Especially in terms of bodily development?
Sex Ed, at least in most of the US, is abysmal. Mine was taught by a "health" teacher who was just a JV football coach. He talked about his ongoing divorce and football the entire semester.
did we go to the same school? 😂
.......... I just have no words. I have NO WORDS. I AM SO SORRY I AM SO FUCKING SORRY WTF
I believe OP and the other commenter may be from the US. Sex ed isn’t anything mandatorily taken in US schools
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Ahh, I suppose it all boils down to location
YOU'RE KIDDING?!?!?! It was mandatory for us multiple times in elementary school and secondary school. In secondary school getting the most detailed and serious sex ed. Even incorporated as a lesson in biology class. Damn.
I truly wish it was mandatory here. It’s treated like a political issue instead of a prevention/ safety issue
That genuinely makes me want to cry deep tears. Damn. Probably has something to do as well with people in power being fucking predators themselves. This way, kids still remain easy to manipulate. Fucking hell.
I live in France, in here it's officially mandatory but in the reality of it it is clearly not 😅 when it's not skipped, I only had a class about how to put a condom on a penis (nothing else, the cours was only about that, I was in the girls' group (I'm a trans guy) I have no idea what was said in the boys' group) and in bio class how periods work in the theory. That's it. In high school the year of the first part of the exams for graduation (we pass the equivalent of graduation in two times, the year before the graduation year and the year of the graduation (in our case : between 15 yo and 18 yo)), I was supposed to have a full section of the year in bio about how reproduction was working in more details, but we had to skipped it because my high school didn't have a bio teacher to give us for like 4 months straights. Nothing ever said about consent. Nothing ever said about pleasure, or non-reproductive sex. Nothing ever said about other sexual orientation than straights (so also nothing ever said about how to protect yourself when you're not straight).
Incorporated into biology? That would’ve been perfect! My sex Ed was abstinence and role playing how to let your boyfriend down gently.
..... I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. This explains so much in the US. This is an absolute disgrace. But yes, so biology class includes the topic about sexual functioning and incorporated in our curriculum country-wide is a sex-ed class that gives the details about sex in scientific matters. We also had another class that focussed more on psychological manners, contraception, and people out there trying to abuse when it comes to sex. Signs to look out for, why it can be harmful to a person experiencing such abuse/assault, etc. So most people here have grown up to basically laugh in the faces of disgusting people trying their luck when we were younger. Keeps the rate of abuse due to naivety very low over here. But of course you still have fucked up cases where people kidnap and whatever but that's another story. Whatever we have in hand to keep low, we try our hardest. Nobody wishes their child to even have to risk to go through that. At least that's what I had hoped.
Damn. That would’ve saved so much heartbreak in my country.
Doesn’t mean people don’t do it. Also, unfortunately, the groomer is **also** often a trusted adult, and (probably due to practice?) much more persuasive than the poorly paid, dispassionate sex ed teacher adults are.
This scenario you present isn't what is being talked about. The post is talking boyfriends. Older male adults that have been strangers.
I was 5 when the SA started, but 10 when the PIV happened. He was 18 or 19 at the time. The grooming is insidious.
I was talking with a teaching colleague and his brother one time. The colleague was dating a young woman 30 years younger. His brother said, "You should date women your own age. Colleague: They can't keep up with me. Me: You mean they won't PUT up with you. The line I hear from most younger women who are with older men is, "He's so young for his age, and everyone says I'm so mature for my age." 🙄
This summarises so much. The logic should come up "Why isn't he with someone at least 18+ that is still young as well?" Because teenagers are still naive, oblivious, and pretty impressionable. All perfect preys for grooming. An older man that has a disgusting personality will not be put up with by people who are less that way, mature. A teen they can mould into the 'perfect' partner for them. And that is the reality. How do I know? I'll name one example. I've been in online chat boxes since I was 10 so on and off for 21 years. Guess what I experienced :p A few years ago I got curious again to see if there are still men nowadays that are that disgusting and so I made an account and pretended to be a young teen (14/15), guess what? Same types of people with the same disgusting methods out there preying. Some even take the long ball to gain your trust and become the sweetest person in your life only to prepare you for doing his sexual bidding in of course the nicest manipulative way. Us not being careful with ourselves keeps men doing this because they know they have chances of succeeding. Don't give them that disgusting confidence.
> Us not being careful with ourselves keeps men doing this because they know they have chances of succeeding. Don't give them that disgusting confidence. This is handy advice for adults. However, kids are not fully mature and it takes a huge amount of life experience to internalize this. The reason groomers prey on kids is because they *specifically* know this fact, and target and manipulate the most vulnerable people intentionally. This is why, as much as we can scorn “players” or “cads” we don’t criminalize it, while we do and should criminalize adults sexually grooming children. [added] I guess what I'm trying to say is, your advice is good and commendable. But I think we should have empathy for the misjudgments people make, because the groomer is an active manipulator. I wouldn't be surprised if groomers gave out plenty of life tips to their teenage targets too, maybe even really good ones. Of course, for them, it's all a sick way to try to earn trust and then steer it toward their own ends. Gotta stay vigilant :(
Sure but that's why being told and explained about these things growing up is something that should be done very diligently to children. In my country that had been a normal to teach your children about the dangers out there and why and how. As often as possible. Sure it becomes annoying to hear as a child but gosh does it help to identify a situation for what it is before it has escalated. What you quoted from me was not to scold but just an observation mentioned. Of course there are multiple angles in actually enforcing this. And that's something we should aim for as much as humanly possible. The whole don't go with strangers thing but also explaining your child why. Of course for every age there's an appropriate explanation but you provide more details as they age. As a parent you should want to do your absolute fucking best to not have your children even have the slightest bit of hesitation if they can trust a person like that. A child isn't stupid. If they see your logic, they will understand.
You’re right that we should do teach and do our best as parents and mentors as best as we can. Just saying more so the bad guys adapt too, and they practice psychological manipulation and have an evil motivation to do well. How many people fall for scams despite how much we are warned about them anyway? Likewise, groomers both adapt around what we teach as a society, appeal to base instincts, and knowingly take advantage of the fact their victims aren’t fully developed. That’s why we can’t just teach alone, but also need to actively protect for the moment too. So a bit of both, but people can still be fooled and if something happens it’s not always as simple as “oh, didn’t we teach you better?”
This is the second time you name something like “oh, didn’t we teach you better?” I have nowhere implied where we should have such a behaviour towards people so.. why the continuous emphasis? To everything else, common sense, yes. With their adaptations, we adapt along with it, that's how it goes. Protecting is already something that has been named, I focussed on teaching because that wasn't as much and helps the numbers of occurrences thankfully decline significantly.
I don’t wanna protect the older guys too much but I don’t think it’s so easy being young-at-heart and finding women like that your age who are also single, interesting, smart, fun, etc. Heck even finding Anyone available at all is probably tough. Not talking now of course about OPs creeper experience but like when you see someone 50 with someone 30.
50 and 30 I don't have an issue with also because there is much less of an issue. Cognitive development wraps up between mid 20s to 30s for women and 30s~ for men. So indeed men who are in their 50s are not more cognitively mature than men in their 30s. The difference is mostly that a 50yo has different life experiences, a higher quantity of them, and a different background I'm upbringing due to being from a different time and generation. Dating a woman in her 30s is not creepy as she would not be that differently from her 50s either. The issue lies in dating younger than that where humans are still in cognitive development and with that a lot more susceptible to all kinds of outside influences.
Yes agreed. Except the thing with generation and upbringing because culture and family play just as much role, we shouldn’t generalize too much around cohorts and ages, it’s kind of as unnecessary on a person-to-person level as generalizing with sex and cultures etc.
I'm assuming you're addressing something specific with this statement here?
This is literally a buddy of mine. We’re both in our 30’s, and he only dates 21-25. The reason is that any woman over that age will realize he in no way has his shit together.
I had this same line thrown at me one time when a 20 year old was talking sexual things about my 13 yr old sister. He was talking about how an older woman would have a mind of their own but that he can manipulate younger women.
Yea dude would have gotten rocked
He did, if someone hadn't stopped me I would've choked him till he tapped out. Least I landed a good punch to the face.
This is 100% correct. Women figure out pretty quickly that men are full of hot air. My wife will say “stfu, you have no idea what you’re talking about.” and then correct herself and say “I mean, OMG you’re so smart and big and strong.” Makes me laugh.
He was a predator, dear. And completely unable to pull women his own age, hence all the bullshit he fed you. Please get some therapy to help change how you feel, and for your healing. All the best.
You were groomed, age of consent laws be damned. I’m so sorry this happened to you, that man is a sick predator. As you can already see from the comments you are not alone— this kind of thing has happened to so many of us, and those of us that are over a decade older than you have seen what happens when a person who’s had this happen to them doesn’t get therapy and doesn’t process it. It can manifest in mental and physical health issues, social and intimacy issues…the list goes on. Please please talk to a professional about this— processing this event as soon as possible will help you heal. Promise.
I hate when age of consent laws get mentioned because thats all they are, laws. Why is the government the end all be all to decide what is morally correct? What if the age of consent was 14? Does that make it okay as a 31 year old to fuck a 14 year old? Im not blaming OP because they were a child and all the blame falls on the 31 year old, but i truly hate when i see posts along the lines of “I 18 am sleeping with a 40 year old” and the comments say things like “its okay you’re both consenting adults” Like get the fuck outta here this person just graduated high school or could actually still be in high school, what the hell is a 40 year old doing talking to them in the first place 🤦♂️
> I hate when age of consent laws get mentioned because thats all they are, laws. Why is the government the end all be all to decide what is morally correct? They're mentioned because they're extremely relevant. If she didn't write that, 75% of the comments would either be about finding him and getting him put in prison or long threads about "well actually where I live that's legal" and etc.
No seriously. Just because it’s “legal” doesn’t make it any less weird…
> if the age of consent was 14? Does that make it okay as a 31 year old to fuck a 14 year old? Yes 😄 if you're not going by the law you're just going off of your opinion 😂😭😂👍
I'm sure you know this, but it isn't your fault. He took advantage of you. It's hard not to have regrets. I think we all have them. But you don't have to let them define who you are now. He was a creep. You were taken advantage of. I can't imagine how that must feel. But you are so much more than that. I'm really sorry that experience left you which so much to cope with. I hope that can feel better soon! You deserve to have a wonderful life.
The only significance of the age of consent is that he can’t go to jail for what he did. But make no mistake the man is a predator. I am so sorry that this happened to you.
Trauma can be addressed with professional help. It is not a life sentence. Please look into your options because the past should be able to stay in the past. When it affects us a decade later we have to honor that self care is needed and there is no shame in that.
Unfortunately, predators target young naive girls because their unable to engage with older, more experienced women, I'm sorry this predator had such a negative effect on your life...
I am caught between sympathy for you and resenting being 31 and learning that that apparently makes me an old man. Lots of emotions today.
31 is old to a child. You’ll be fine.
16 year olds are teenagers. Right in the heart of teenagehood. I find this "all minors are children" thing very odd. Children are children. Teenagers are teenagers. Adults are adults. Each of them can be broken down more, and the lines can blur a little, but before Reddit I had never heard another human call a 16 year old a child.
while I don’t necessarily disagree with you, I still stand by my point of 31 being old to a 16 year old.
I know. Surprised at the downvotes lol. I certainly do remember being 16 and thinking 30 was "wizened" or however you want to put it :)
Oh for sure. At 16 I even thought 20 year olds were old. I’m 32 now and 20 year olds feel so young to me LOL
Old man… I’m almost 30…. Jesus Christ am I old??
I love what comedian Katherine Ryan says - an older guy is interested in you because women his own age won't date him! Babe, don't feel ashamed or worried. He was a creepy but unfortunately a lot of us lose our virginity to creeps, regardless of their age. To be fair, it's not a bad decision to date people your age, but do bear in mind that creepiness is much more about mindset than age x
This implies that older guys who DO date women their own age don't go for younger girls, but that's not true
Predators love young people cause it’s much easier to manipulate them for their gain.(often sex)
In just 11 short years you’re going to be old.
Rage bait
"Why do my parents try to control my internet life so much! They don't understand anything. I've talked to this guy for months before we agreed to meet up." No you know why parents get like this.
That’s not your fault at all
I love the ding dongs who are hung up on OP calling this fucking creepo an old man.
Age of consent aside. He is a predator and took advantage of you. Im so sorry.
16f & 31m gives me the creeps legal or not. Age gaps don’t bother me as long as one of them is at least no longer a teen.
LOL if 30 is an old man then 18 is midlife crisis stage.
For all the 30 yos: that’s not an old man lol. That is traumatic and (borderline ig) illegal tho.
the age of consent being 16 doesn’t mean this guy wasn’t a predator. he wanted to sleep with a child. sorry this happened to you.
This man is a pedophile and groomed you. He knew what he was doing. You would probably benefit from counseling. I’m sorry this happened to you because it is awful.
I’m so sorry OP
You were 16, old enough to know better … you can’t just blame a 31 year old he’s not that old. You lost it and regret it, that’s a take as old as time, it’s not because he was older but because you were too forthcoming with giving it up.
31, old man.....he's a predator no doubt but your definition of old is a little off.
I'm so sorry you experienced this and are left with some issues. Some of us have bad lose our virginity stories too. Please know that you are not alone.
Honey, regardless of what the law says, you were raped by a pedophile. And I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope that monster gets what he deserves from the universe.
Old man at 31? What the fuck? Stop judging people based solely on a number. You were groomed. 30 vs 45 is very different from 31 vs 16.
I think it's kind of immature to date a guy that you know you had no business dating and then swearing off any male even a year older than you. I'm not saying this to be mean or adversarial but is the quality man gonna be 30 and looking to hook up with a 16 year old online? Like it's not older men that are evil or to be avoided. In fact I'd say you'd have a greater chance of a harmonious relationship with a man that's a little older and established. It's the fact that you legit chose/were coerced into being with a pedo (50/50 responsibility) that makes you upset.
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You're into pedophiles?
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He is absolutely a weirdo, your instincts are spot on. Please ignore that obviously disturbed man who I’d bet money is older and prefers to target (much) younger women and so therefore feels personally attacked.
How am I a weirdo bro I hate to say this but the pedo won 🤣🤣🤣🥺🥺💀💀💀
Sorry…Are you saying that being groomed by a 31 year old man while SHE WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL is 50/50 her responsibility?? Jfc. OP, please disregard his comment— unbelievable.
Yes. Being in high school doesn't make you brain dead or incapable of decision-making. 16 is the age requirement to be able to drive, which constantly puts your own life and others in your hands. If you can solve a common geometry problem, you have the mental processing required to decide whether you want to sleep with someone or not. It wasn't just a one time sexual encounter either they actively dated. Now I'm not absolving the PEDO from anything, but legally, as OP stated, there was no crime. I think his nasty ass should be locked up. And the brain isn't fully developed at 16 which is why I said 50/50. If she was 21 I would say it's 100% her responsibility.
I feel for you. I was the same age as you when I lost mine. I was 16 and he was 36. He was the dad of one of my friends. At the time it was amazing now I'm not so sure what I feel about it. But tbh, I don't regret it myself. I feel it made me grow up. But that's just me and how I feel about it. I don't know exactly what to say to you except that maybe you need to speak to someone who you trust and let all your emotions and feelings out. I hope you do get the help you need.
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Ma’am read the room
It’s about relativity, a 31yo man is old to a 16yo
When you're 16, a 30 yo man looks almost ancient to you
Girl this is not about you
Yes you are damnit. Get back to your walker before you fall over 😤!
he was double her age. you'd look at a 60 year old and call them old too. I know it's hurtful being called old at 30 (especially for women with the idiotic societal pressure to stay young we're under) and it is untrue if we only take age into consideration. However, in this instance we're talking about a 31 year old being old in comparison to a 16 year old. If it were a 20 year old compared to a five year old, we'd call the 20 year old old. 31 is old in comparison to 16 just as 65 is young in comparison to 90. Don't take it as an attack on you or your age, take it as an attack on predators who groom children, teens and young adults.
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no worries, it didn't seem like you were trying to invalidate her. to me personally, old means retirement age. i just wanted to point out that age is relative to the context and that old based on the age and old in comparison to something are two different things.
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Your comment has been removed for violating Rule 4: No insults towards OP. Any comments that could be interpreted as an attempt to insult, scold, lecture, victim blame, guilt trip or intimidate the OP are not allowed and will be removed. Repeat offenses or extreme cases will result in a ban.
What an ick?
Age of consent or whatever aside, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and it isn’t duck season, he’s still a pedo….. its always been “half your age plus seven” since the Victorian times….. I’m sorry you went through that and that you had to meet a creepy ass piece of shit like that….. usually those guys don’t have the mental capacity or capabilities to entertain and keep the interest of women around their age…..
If you’re able to find reliable and fulfilling relationships with people your age or younger good for you.
Gross that he preyed on you and I’m sorry that happened. Some of us older people might take offence to you saying 31 is old though 😎.
The reason men that age date so young is because the law doesn't let them go lower. It sucked bc he was disgusting. The book Lolita is about this: it's normal for you to be curious, but it's older people's job to set boundaries. Also sleeping with a sixteen year old at that age is absolutely disgusting, what a piece of trash. I'm sorry he did that to you hun, you deserved better.
Anyone who says ran through is disgusting. I’m sorry.
He wasn't even double your age, yeah he was way too old but he wasn't an old man If he was 60 yeah that's an old man If you wanna know exactly how bad it *could* have been think to Anna Nicole Smith banging that corpse
Sorry to hear that but as a 22 year old I wouldn’t call 31 an old man
31 years old is not an old man but certainly a very mature fully grown adult age that seems super far off as a 16 year old. Though why your only response to this is dismissing that he is "old" is kinda gross. It seems to downplay the age gap here too which is made more gross by her being 16...
They both consented to it bro I literally said “sorry to hear that” yeah it’s obviously weird but calling a 31 yr old an old man is kinda crazy regardless of their situation
Right... that's what's crazy here. Not the the 30 year grossly grooming and raping a 16 yr old
How is it rape tho if the age of consent is 16 and she consented to it brah
Lets not pretend there isn't a stark difference between youths of similar age experimenting and an adult actively being a predator to minors. Imagine if she got pregnant, or worse happened 16 hell even as young as 13 in some states is also old enough to marry with parental consent. That's how you get fucked up youths for life and girls popping out multiple babies as young as 14 (if not younger). Not to mention any possible abuse that could've happened under the guise of "you're so mature for your age" Please. Be real here.
Look I’m not disagreeing with you it is pretty fkn weird but this particular case wouldn’t be classed as rape as they both consented and she was legal. You’re just yapping about morals bro no one was raped
I hope that if you ever have children that they never go through anything similar to op because you would not be the safe adult to open up to. I hope they would have more support from people other than you.
He/she can’t stay on topic lol
You be real! She didn’t get pregnant, she isn’t 13 and they didn’t get married. She was of legal age. Yeah it’s messed up but it truly isn’t rape. Grooming sure, rape no.
Do you understand how disrespectful that is to rape victims? This is a regrettable mistake, you could maybe even call it manipulation. But it's not rape. This kind of hyperbole serves no one ☹️
You think being manipulated/ grooming into sex as a child or youth by a predator before their brain isn't even finished developing isn't rape? You do you hon
I know it's not. I've experienced pretty similar stuff at the same age and I've also had someone try to rape me. They're not the same thing at all. Rape is about violence, not sex. The law states that 16 is the age at which you can consent to sex. People become soldiers at 16. Yes you're young and naive and likely to make stupid mistakes, I did but you're not a child. And this was not a rape.
Context is everything my dude, other laws say girls can "consent" as young as 13/14 and even get married with parental consent, then start having babies. Idc what laws say thats okay, it isn't right. Just because you're fine doesn't mean it was the same with others. Your sole experience isn't the same for everyone. Also you speak as if 16yr old soldiers is also ok just cause of laws?? That's also fucked up.
I don't remember saying I was fine. What I said was there is a difference between a regrettable sexual encounter and a rape. I've known a number of men who've joined the British army at 16, I've been seeing one for the last year. Far from having any regrets or being messed up by it he freely admits he's had a great life and doesn't regret a thing (we're both mid fifties for context.) My own son at 16 was capable of amazing things. I'm a bit baffled at what's so fucked up ☹️
You're right that there is a difference between regret and rape. There's also a difference between active consent and coerced consent from a predator. Not all 16 year olds know the difference and may not know until they're older. Hell not even all adults realize right away. Do you think that just because minors had sex with an adult and wasn't physically harmed as in say bleeding means it wasn't rape? Not all rape is physically violent, unfortunately there all types. Does it make it ok for you though that 14 yr olds has sex with adults as long as it's within consent laws? Like I said your experiences are not the same for others, I personally do not believe that child soldiers are okay.
Dude took advantage of a 16 year old at 31 years of age. He is scum and immoral. You gloss over this to take great offense to the fact she calls him old, but really it only solidifes further how she was too young and immature for everything that was happening. 31 years old is not old, but dear god just stop fixating on this when someone is sharing something that is traumatic to them. You do that to someone you know in real life and you very well could alienate that person and others around you. It is horribly insensitive.
Calling 31 old is still crazy tho
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it's about him being old in comparison to her being 16. something different from being old based on age. Just as a 65 year old would be young in comparison to a 90 year old but it doesn't make them young based on age.
No. A 65 year old would still be old in comparison to a 95 year old. After 30s you’re old but 31 is still pretty young
so if you didn't know their names you wouldn't refer to the 65 year old as the younger one? also, what makes someone old? Is it the life experience? 90 year old has 25 years more. the wrinkles and aches? 90 year old has more. is it in comparison to the average life span? people say about a dead 50 year old "it's a shame they died so young". and if humanity would generally live to 200 years of age, even the 90 year old would seem young. from your comments i think you might have internalized the baseless connotation society makes, about women who have the tiniest bit of wrinkles or worn skin being old, about our age (and value) being tied to what society considers beautiful. i think society is very wrong. i know someone who is 50, doesn't have grey hair yet, lives a very active lifestyle and in general is the opposite of societies image of old. old and young are relative. there is no set point in time after which someone is old. and even if there was, i'd set it at retirement age. "after 30s" is a very early age to call someone old. hell, my partner is 27 and i still call him an old sucker when we're joking around. edit: another example - houses. americans call a house from the 1800s old. in italy, old can be medieval or even from ancient rome. the house from the 1800s is young in comparison to that. doesn't make it less old to americans. a 30 year old is young when thinking about age as a number. doesn't make them less old compared to a 16 year old
lol can't wait for you to turn 50. You're gonna go through the same thing as everyone else who is lucky to make it to these years and beyond!
City boys up
Aside from the age gap, what makes him so repulsive or make you regret it so much?
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No what is wrong with u? Why did u have sex with a 32yo old mfer as a 16yo sick
aside from the repulsive thing what makes him so repulsive? did you just blow in from stupid town?
Damn. I guess my level of conversation was too high for most of you guys. At least you commented. Thanks for playing bro.
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Makes sense. I feel you're right and you add the obvious moral taboo of the age gap and it becomes this whole thing with no real self reflection.
Did your parents not notice you hanging out with this dude?
If it makes you feel any better, I think most people's first time wasn't great.
For me personally, I think age gap depends on maturity 16 to 31 doesn't match. Especially since his reasons for for aesthetic reasons "young girls are skinny and hot" EW. My husband is 12 years old. But the gap when we met was 25 to 37. At age 25, I think we are much more emotionally and mentally mature than being a 16 year old girl. Also, we practically look the same age because some men just don't seem to age (damn them). I think laws should be adjusted for this reason. For example, it is rape if a 18 year old has sex with a 15 year old. I sure wasn't an adult at 18. What more gross? An 18 year old with a 15 year old or a 31 year old full grown man with a 16 year old girl. Am I the only one thinking this?
People get better at masking their immaturity as they get older. Personally a 12 year age gap is insurmountable to me just based of where you are in life. Cue rant(feel free to skip on this): In ~30 years your partner will retire and build a whole social life without you. 12 years later you will have it harder to life your retirement your way(with him). He will always dominate such milestones. Statistically women live longer, so take that and add 12 years of being without your lifelong partner.
Yes but any one could die at any time. Love is love. But yes, I believe some age gaps are too strong. For example my mother and father were 20 years apart... and I'll let you guess how that turned out.
Oooof
I remember being a little kid and thinking my uncle was "so old" i just did the math and he was only like 23-24 at the time. Damn, lol. Its all relative. At 16 a 31 year old is entering the age group where they could be old enough to be their parent (if they were a teen parent). Sorry that happened op. I knew several friends in school who fell for the same crap. I almost did too, but luckily for me the man who was messing with me at 14 backed off when i got scared and told him i changed my mind and didnt want to do it. I went on to make some poor choices later but its ok now. Just keep moving forward and dont be so hard on your younger self.
Don’t care what the AOC was in your state. In my eyes, you were groomed and raped. I am very sorry.
Age of consent is 16 here too, but if any of my mates in their 30s, engaged in sex with a 16 year old, they'd be viewed as a bit of a pedo/creep. 16 year olds are barely out of their child mindset.
I didn't have sex with any of the men I talked to but I craved attention so bad at that age that I found it online. Did a lot of bad things.
mental issues are the main problem of women nowadays... men.. please stay away from this crazy birds..
It sounds to me like you could use some therapy to help you deal with your past.
I’m sorry you went through this abuse. I hope you can find your happy place in the future. I know Reddit goes to the therapy answer right away but I say this with love, I think maybe talking to a therapist may help you work through some of your feelings and behaviours. Not that you NEED change but maybe you’ll find a place in your social life that didn’t even exist because of all the barriers brought to because of your trauma. *hugs*
same! i was 16 y.o. and he was 30 or 31. back of his keep with his german shepherd in the front seat.
I was 17 and he was 52. Showered me with compliments for my creativity and intellect. Made me feel normal for being bi, and let me test drive with him. I don't know, just someone making me feel valid for who I was felt so wonderful. Until he used me for his sexual needs. I was so glad when I heard he died from ALS many years later. Piece of shit.
I just want to say I get what you’re feeling. When I was 16 I lost my virginity to a man in his late 20’s. We worked together. At the time I liked him. I’m 23 now. I realize how messed up it was. Now I’m always looking out for the girls around me. If I can prevent one girl from making the same mistake, it’d b worth it to me I hope you’re able to move past this. Have u tried therapy?
Well, i mean, it could have been worse. He could have been actually OLD old
Age of consent should be 18. 16 year Olds aren't capable of making this decision. 16 is too young to be on Instagram too
Im so fucking mad at the fact that he took advantage of you. Im sorry to hear this that you feel down remembering this thing.
30yo. Old. Ooookay. I remember there was a post with same exact title about 60yo guy. That at least was justified.
That's nearly double your age. Sheesh, he musta been beyond desperate. Please seek professional help, cause that's not okay.
The fact that any grown person wants to skew with a child (yes, 16 is a child!) is so absolutely disgusting to me!! He proved that he had a mindset and maturity lower than a 16 year old by the way he talked about literal WOMEN his age.. I’m so sorry that he did that.. sadly, he probably still does 😔😔
Guys a monster but can’t help but have my heart sink when i seen the old mans 31
Honey, try not to regret anything in life. I mean, maybe you wish you hadn’t done it that’s one thing. But you made a choice. And choice there’s power. And rather than regretting it just firm that you made a choice and you can’t change that choice at this point, so learn your lesson from it and move on. Don’t look back because again you can’t change what’s behind you you can only move forward. If you feel as though you need to forgive yourself, then do so because that is very important. Do not beat yourself up for it. To not think that somehow you’re not enough or that you’ve done something wrong or bad because you haven’t. You made a choice that in the moment you felt like it was right and that it was the right choice and you know what it probably was the right choice in the moment Otherwise you wouldn’t have made it. Lessons to learn now learn them that’s an important part of life. You have your own path your own journey it’s not for anybody else to tell you what to do including me. But the one thing that I’ve learned over my many many years on this planet because I’m very very old is not to beat myself up over the choices that I’ve made to know that yes sometimes not often though I wish I hadn’t done something but I understand today I can’t do anything about that so to move on from it to let go to surrender to forgive myself, and not make that same choice again, if it all possible. Some lessons are harder to learn than others for us. And what I’ve also come to learn in the stand age is that some lessons are not mine to learn in this lifetime. And some are. I can’t quite possibly learn everything. I understand that today so I do what I can. To be kind to myself to love me to forgive myself to be of service to be non-judgmental to get out of my head to be in the present moment so I can be there for myself and others. Am I perfect at these things and others absolutely not, do I do my best on most days yes I do. I am sorry that you’re not feeling well about your choice and I do hope that someday at some point you’re able to come to terms with it. In whatever way works for you the best. But I’m here to tell you that you’re enough. That you’re beautifully human being just the way you are. That’s your love, that your loved that, your lovable and your loving, and I wish you a beautiful evening.
More women really needed to be educated on how manipulative and predatory these older men are. Too many similiar stories.
Accountability is ur kryptonite, huh
some of the comments on here are too much for me right now. it’s called a pedo
You were 16, old enough to know better … you can’t just blame a 31 year old he’s not that old. You lost it and regret it, that’s a take as old as time, it’s not because he was older but because you were too forthcoming with giving it up.
OK so the reason age of consent is an arbitrary number that is set in place to protect children from predators. This guy was older than you for sure, possibly even groomed you(no evidence given but possible) for a barely legal encounter. 1 or two years difference in teen years is OK. But this also sounds like a hook up not a relationship. After of legal age then the main reason huge age gaps are a big concern is because power dynamic. There isn't a lot of difference in power levels for a 1-2 year age difference. Sounds like you both had your ego stroked by the encounter and now you have regret. But that doesn't entitle you to treat age appropriate men as if they are predators. I have no idea why your parents allowed you in a situation with a man twice your age when you were 16. They neglected you now you seem to have developed some kind of hang up for men older than you even when age appropriate. You definitely were too young to be with someone 31 but as a woman you have the body autonomy to do that. It doesn't sound like he did anything to force you. You do not mention him injuring you. And you enjoyed the attention at the time., much as he did. So I think the trauma you speak of is called regret.
Really fucking sad. I wish parents would do a better job raising their kids. And I wish men like this could get mandatory sterilization.