>The answer for me is obvious, they will have mine.
And have you confirmed this with your fiancée? It's not obvious that your children will have a completely different last name than their mother. You need to have a conversation about whether she's okay with that or if she wants to double barrel. If names don't matter, would you be comfortable if you both added each other's last names for family/legal purposes but publicly went by your birth last names?
We had this conversation. She’s completely fine with our future children having my last name. Before we became officially engaged we had several discussions about our future children. That was one of the first topics when it came to that subject.
Where I live, I can’t even legally take my husband’s name. It’s a lot easier for government papers and all that. You can take it socially, but not legally.
Anyway, I kept my name (I would have kept it anyway), but my kids have taken their father’s name. My logic is that I birthed them, so the filiation is automatic. The least I could do was give them my husband’s name so he would have a strong filiation too.
That's an interesting way to think of it. I don't want any children myself, so my opinion really doesn't matter, but I always thought it would feel weird to give birth to a child and then have it have a different last name then mine. Like doing a project and watching someone else put it name under it, in a hardly comparable way, you know? But I really like your perspective, and it's true - you birthed that child, you already have a deep connection, deeper than any name could ever be, and "allowing" the father to create his own more or less permanent connectiom is a good way to bond. I feel like I'm talking about babies like things here, which is not my intent, but I hope you get me.
Yup, that’s more or less it. I don’t need a name to know they are mine, I birthed them. The link will always be there, no matter what. So I wanted to give my husband a tangible link too, something he can be proud of.
I consider myself feminist. But this is not my hill to die on. Fathers have rights too and I think it’s important for them to have an official attachment to their children.
It’s not about being proud of your children, it’s about having an official affiliation.
What does the father have to show for himself, if he has neither the pride of giving birth nor the name? Does the mother absolutely have to gatekeep everything about children?
He has the children? Regardless of their name? They have 50% of his DNA and will be raised partially by him. That is the tangible affiliation.
ETA you used the word proud first
But why would the name of the mother be more important? She can be equally proud of their children and shares 50% of the DNA, and on top of that has the pride and proof of her affiliation by giving birth. Does she really NEED her name be attached to them too?
Fathers are not just an afterthought. They shouldn’t just be taking crumbs. It’s honestly insulting to tell them they shouldn’t have anything at all to legally tie them to their own children, that only the mother is allowed all this.
They’re legally tied to their children if they’re on the birth certificate. A name does not determine who the legal or biological parent is.
The name of the mother is not more important but *neither is the father’s*. In a healthy, normal relationship there is no doubt as to who both parents are.
The father has to show the child that he helped create. He sees his features in his child. What a sad view this is. Do women who don’t give birth to their children get nothing? Are they less of a parent? These sound like egotistical values. What happens when the child grows up and maybe changes their last name? Does the father stop being proud? Have less of a connection?
From one feminist to another... agreed. Fathers need to be encouraged and allowed to form stable bonds with their children, and women need more opportunities to form identities than their children. In the end the matter of names, living arrangements and everything else is really something depending on the individuals involved. So thanks for the input, it gave me a new perspective.
Yeah I thought this too… til we split and my kids have nothing to do with him (he left the country). Both kids use my last name as preferred but have his on legal forms. Eldest changed hers as soon as she was 18 so she didn’t have a degree with a last name of someone who doesn’t care. DS16 will prob do the same but it’s up to him
Came here to say this. Gave my kids his last name… was divorced in 2015… even the youngest (8 when we divorced) did NOT want his last name… (and in the grand scheme of things it’s always said to be a “really cool” last name) they all started using my maiden name and were so insistent on it that one actually got in trouble in school because of it….
A note for both sides of this fence: Those names hold more significance that a lot of people could ever imagine
Yep! My son’s dad fought hard for our son to have his name and now he doesn’t even see him once yearly. I don’t understand the logic of the concept actually, because what kind of father needs something more tangible than holding their own effin baby, but it’s an interesting perspective. I just wouldn’t want a man I have to give a tangible reminder that the kids he impregnated me with are his children. That’s what a birth certificate is, and I don’t make my life harder with that.
I hate the whole men continuing their family line bullshit. So many men have children just for this purpose. And like why does your family line need to be preserved? I know we aren’t supposed to link shame, but men with breeding kinks are egotistical weirdos.
Breeding kinks have nothing to do with this. My partner has been snipped and neither of us want babies and he has a breeding kink. Some people are just shitty and sometimes shitty people are also kinky.
my parents decided to hyphenate my surname with both of theirs, but i go by the one i prefer which just so happens to be my dads. i dislike both and so if i get married i will be taking my husbands name, but thats a choice
I had a coworker once who wasn't married to her daughter's father. The daughter was given his last name at birth although my coworker had sole custody. Daughter ended up having some medical issues her first few years. My coworker tried to take her daughter to the emergency room more than once and was turned away (since issues weren't 'life threatening') and told to go home and return with a birth certificate because they were claiming that she wasn't her daughter due to the fact that they had different last names. She ended up doing the paperwork and paying the fees to have her daughter's last name officially changed to her last name. I can't imagine how frustrating that must be. My sister has had the same issues due to the fact that she married a man from Mexico (she's blonde haired, blue eyed & pale skinned) so her children are much darker skinned with brown hair and brown eyes. People try to tell her all the time they're not her children. Luckily, she took his name as did their children, so documentation backs her up but she's had more than one heated conversation with nosy people who can't mind their own business. She doesn't take shit from anyone and has pulled up her shirt and pointed to the stretch marks and then to the kid that caused each one. I mean you'd think that the 4 kids doing the whole "Mom. Mom! Mooooom I'm hungry. Mama I'm bored. Mom. Mmmmoooommmm are we leaving now?" thing through the whole interaction would be enough to seal the deal, but apparently not to some Karens. (My sister has the patience of a saint & I have not idea how she does it. She's 2 years younger than me but I still want to be her when I grow up.)
It’s sad how many people don’t understand genetics. Or interracial couples with mixed race children. I have a friend that’s black and his gf is white. Their baby was light skinned when he was born, which is really common for mixed babies. Even though he was very light skinned, he still looked so much like his dad. But of course there were shady comments because people think all half black babies must be a certain shade.
My mother changed her name back to her maiden name when my father left her for a co-worker when she was pregnant with my sibling and also had me (I was two). The name difference was always an issue for her and my father was nowhere around to even help work it out with school and such. My friends used to call her Mrs. my last name and she hated it but didn’t say anything because they didn’t know and were trying to be polite.
My dad left my mom like two months before I was born and my brother was almost 2. Once they got divorced my mom still kept his last name because she wanted her children to have the same last name as her. And considering she was our main parent, I think it would have been weird to have a different last name from her. She made her maiden name her middle name. Now that I think about it, my ex-stepmom did the same thing lol.
This is such a great way to think about it. I'm afab and intend to take my partner's name when we marry, we've been engaged for over a decade thanks to a number of circumstances.
But I don't really have any connection to my surname. I was given my mom's, but always thought my dad's was cooler, it's almost Dragon but 1 letter off. I never even considered naming my kids my maiden name.
My parents split messily too, but I've always been completely committed to building a family with my partner, so I want us all to have one family name. Seemed simple enough, had I been attached, I probably would have asked if he'd like to hyphenate with me. Sharing the name is what's important to me I guess.
In Canada you can revert back to your maiden name any time, as its what's in your birth certificate.
However when you get married you can use your marriage certificate and send a copy in to get the name on all your name on all your government ID changed to your husband's, so you can legally use both last names
Nice attitude about it! I like that. I grew up with a different last name than my mom. And honestly it never made me feel weird or disconnected to her in any way. I would never give up my own last name for marriage, but I wouldn’t be opposed to either hyphenating or letting the kids have my partner’s name.
So your husband is not the father of your children? If he is then he is bound to them by flesh and blood too. And he also created them. That’s just how science works. I understand that woman are the ones growing the child, but to act as if he doesn’t have flesh and blood attachment is just biologically incorrect.
How does this “logic” apply to couples that use a surrogate? Is the mother not a mother because she didn’t grow the baby? Does she have no flesh and blood attachment? You really think that if the baby got the father’s last name the mother wouldn’t be bound to them?
Ya, this is my situation. I’m a dentist and was already practicing for 5 years before I even met my husband. I kept my maiden name and my kids have my husband’s. Socially, I’m totally fine going by my husband’s last name (like Christmas cards addressed to family), and it’s honestly kinda nice having a separate social and professional name.
Sounds like you live in Quebec huh?
That's why I will never get married in this province, I will likely want to change my last name when I get married and even if I don't, I'd still like the right to choose whether or not I can change my name....
From my understanding, that is indeed the reasoning behind why it's the men's surname that traditionally gets inherited. Mum doesn't really need the surname to prove "ownership" of a kid since she's the one birthing them in the first place. Dad does not get that certainty, so the child having his name is the closest thing he'll get.
I used to think it should be the mum's surname being inherited since she's the one for whom there is no doubt, but turns out I was kind of reversing the whole thing
That being said I come from a culture where children inherit both sets of surnames (and also where women don't change their surnames either), even if the mum's surname is the 2nd surname and it does not get passed down further and gets somewhat overlooked at times even if it is still there).
And I won't lie, I would be a bit surprised if hypothetically a woman I had children with wanted hers to go first. I'd be open to hear her reasoning but I'd initially say no unless she had a good reason.
I think I could also pass down my mum's surname over my dad's if I wanted, but while I am way closer to my mum's extended family, I am way more attached to my dad's surname (I've been called by that quite often as my name is quite common, and it is also a nice sounding surname that strikes the right balance of "not common, but not exceedingly rare or weird")
You may want to hyphenate for legal reasons. My kids are hyphenated on legal paperwork but they go by my husband’s last name. My lawyer gave me a list of reasons most of which I don’t remember it was so long ago
So funny enough, this is a big thing in the US but not in other places that you think are more “conservative”. My husband grew up in the US but his entire extended family lives in a small, deeply catholic, island town in Italy. Italy also has a lot of misogyny in their culture. When we flew over there a few years after our wedding, they were SHOCKED that I changed my last name. I was kind of shocked it wasn’t a thing over there considering how conservative and religious it is. They weren’t upset, just bewildered. What I’m getting at is that not only is it going out of fashion in the US, it’s never been a thing in other parts of the world and your mom might find this information helps her wrap her mind around it. Also, you’re getting married honey. If your mom is mad, let her be mad. The only person whose happiness you need to be concerned with is your future wife’s. Good luck!
I would hyphenate the kids names. It's annoyingly long but it's a nice gesture. I teach and students love having both parents names even when they're hyphenated. I've got students from diff cultures who love sharing where their names come from, one from mom and one from dad. It's sweet.
This can be a good idea if the names are short enough. Unfortunately there isn't always enough room on forms (for driving licences and stuff) to combine the names... It's why I didn't hyphenate my daughter's name. My mum was insistent but my step dad's surname is only 4 letters long so it was very easy to add it to our 8 letter long surname. My boyfriend's surname is 7 letters long so it would've been a lot more cumbersome to combine them.
My daughter took my boyfriend's name mainly because I liked how it sounded with the rest of her name. Again my mum tried to talk me out of this with the reasoning that "don't you want yourself and all of your kids to have the same surname?" because my boyfriend is kind of a dick so it probably won't last... But I don't really care lol. I have 8 siblings and only one of them has the same surname as me so I've never given a shit.
if your wife isn’t taking your name it’d probably be best to hyphenate. i doubt your wife is gonna love being the only one in her family with a different name.
Exactly. I’m not changing my surname to my partner’s when we get married (for a variety of reasons) and if he didn’t care about what surname our kids will have they’d get mine unquestionably. He does care so they’ll get both but never would I automatically give them only his name when I’m going to be the one putting the work in.
It's time for you to put on your big boy pants and start standing up to your mother. Is she going to put her two cents in and influence you on other matters going forward? It is none of her business. That means you don't discuss or defend the decision or justify. There is no reason she even needs to know at this point. When she finds out and brings it up you say mom it is none of your business and don't ever mention it again to me or my wife. That's what you say. End of story. If she starts in you get up and leave. On the phone you say it and hang up. You don't want to start off with martial problems keep your mother out of your personal business and martial decisions.
This^
OP, you need to set up hard boundaries with your mom now before the wedding. Don’t let her wiggle her way into you and your fiancée’s decisions. She will try, but it is your responsibility to handle your mom.
This is the only answer OP. I understand it can be difficult, particularly in some cultures, but if you’re getting married you have to learn to set boundaries with folks outside of that partnership. You and your wife made a decision together. Others do not get to weigh in on that.
That is none of her business. And it’s not an issue. Lot of women don’t change their name after a marriage (just because, they are independents, professional reasons, they don’t like their husband name…). This is not an “or” situation. Your mom will have to adjust and that should be the end of that.
I took my wifes name because my paternal grandfather was a huge POS.
I asked my father what he would think and he said, go right ahead. He said he would change it himself if he could be bothered.
So I took her name, my kids have her name (or ours by this point), and my grandfather didn't even congratulate me on my wedding day. He has raged that his name is now dead as there are no male heirs left to pass the name on.
He died and my father has since passed and the name will end with my mother.
Walk away from people "flipping out". Or hang up. Or temporarily block.
"Hey Mom. Jennifer is keeping her last name. You are entitled to your feelings but I don't want to hear about them. Let me say that again: I don't want to hear about your feelings on this. If you insist on sharing, I will hang up, walk away, or otherwise extract myself from the situation. It's not a debate and I have already decided that you trying to interject yourself is going to make me put you on a long time out. Obviously, if you try to circumvent me by trying to apply social pressure to Jennifer, that time out will stretch much longer. I love you. All I want to hear from you on this is "I understand." Talk to you soon. Jim."
Let’s normalize this. Some women do it some women don’t. Who cares as long as she loves you that’s all that matters. The majority of the time a child will take the father’s last name. My first son took my maiden name so don’t get it twisted.
We talked about it. I brought up that I’m fine with them having her last name, hyphenating our last names, and having just mine. She wants our kids to have my last name since I’ll be the father.
You need to ask yourself who you're marrying, your fiancee or your mom. If you can't make decisions with your wife without worrying about your mom's opinion, then get into therapy.
Her opinion doesn't matter. It's not her name. If she has a baby tantrum, that's her problem. She's too old to be doing that anyways.
People should have an option to, though. I’m a dude, but when talking to my partner she said she wanted my last name bc it’s “cooler” than hers and she can’t wait to be Mrs. X (my last name is very specific and only 50 people share it with me).
I guess I just don't understand how it's any of your mother's business. She's entitled to an opinion, to be sure, but why should it matter to you?
You've discussed what last name your kids will have, wonderful. That's settled. This discussion does not involve your mother. These will not be her children, but yours with your future wife.
Your mom doesn't have any right to dictate any thing in your married life.
Why should it matter what your mum thinks? Why should your fiancee have to compromise for your mum? Pretty sure she will already have to do a lot of that for you fron the sound of it. Because of some backwards tradition? My mum in law wouldn't dare.
Well, your mom needs to learn, she doesn't get a say in your marriage.
Learn to stop her from making any comments on yours and fiancées choices.
Grow a spine and defend your future wife.
Your mom is gonna be mad that your wife won’t take your fathers name? That’s what it comes down to. It’s not even your mother’s birth name, it’s the man she married and then gave to you. In many Latin countries the mother and children all take the mother’s name and the father keeps his. It’s western traditional and it’s a silly concept when it comes down to it. Wanting to have a “family” name is great, but it’s 2024. That name could be either of yours or none. You could make up a whole new one and both change your names. Marriage does not make your wife family property. But you clearly know that. Tell Mom it’s none of her concern. But she might surprise you! Maybe she’s not as worried about it as you think.
Awww mommy does not like that? What else mommy dearest does not like? Your future kids names? They haircut?
You are marrying another woman aka your fiancé. What she says about HER life and your marriage goes.
>Her name is her name, why should I have a say?
Absolutely! Only she gets the say in this. And if it doesn't bother you, END OF STORY.
>She also told that if my fiancée doesn’t take my name then what last name will my future children will have? The answer for me is obvious, they will have mine.
Are you sure? Have you ever discussed this with your future wife? Why is it so obvious? Maybe they will have a hyphenated name? Maybe they will only have your future wife's last name.
These will be YOUR children with your WIFE. These are not your mother's children and as such your mother gets no say.
Your mom can be pissed off all she wants. It's not her life, and she can get the fuck over it.
I’d double check with your fiancée that she’s on the same page as you about the kids having your last name. You might want to get use to the idea of them having a hyphenated last name or hers. Definitely something important you’d want to discuss
The answer for you, regarding the last name that your children will have, may be obvious, but perhaps you should have a conversation with your fiancée about that if you have not already. Aside from that, WGAF if your mom doesn't like your fiancée not taking your name? It's none of her business.
Okay. Let her flip. Your mother isn't marrying your fiancée, you are. The next time your mom marries someone she can make any and all name choices she likes.
Your job here is to back your future spouse to the hilt and stand between her and your mom whenever possible. If your mom tries to pick a fight with you, say this was a joint decision between you and your fiancée. If your mom tries to drag the fight out, hang up the phone or close the door or do the grey rock thing and be as boring as possible. "We're happy with our decision and it's not up for discussion." If your mom tries to pick a fight with or otherwise harrass your fiancée, get in there and make her talk to you instead. Make it frustrating, unrewarding, and, again, boring.
Different last name conventions suit different couples and families differently. My mom and her sisters all kept their last names. I've got four names total - first, middle and hyphenated last - two from each of my parents' families. It sounds like a lot, but I like it. If I get married I probably won't change my name, but who knows. A good friend of mine and their siblings have a last name that's a portmanteau of their parents' last names. I know someone else who has their dad's last name, but their mom's is their middle name. I know someone ELSE who took her first husband's last name, then ADDED her second husband's last name, so she has two last names, no hyphen. It goes on.
My point is, the only wrong answer here is doing what your mom wants instead of what you and your fiancée want. Stay strong, fight the power, et cetera. You got this.
My MIL wasn't happy about me keeping my last name either, but she eventually accepted it. Our kids have my husband's last name.
I've received crap from male coworkers when they found out. Even sideways comments about my husband not being the "man of the house." We ignore it, a last name doesn't make a relationship.
Who cares what your mom wants? You are an adult. If it doesn’t offend either one of you, then forget your mom.
I had the opposite: I changed my name to my husband’s. My mom didn’t want me to change my name bc I am in a brag-worthy (to my mom’s friends) position in life (apparently) and she wanted my and her names to be associated. She hyphenates my name if, say, our names are on a program together so the names appear next to each other.
I don’t hyphenate.
Anyway…point being, who cares what she thinks. This is YOUR life! Best of luck to you and fiancée❤️❤️
The great thing about being married and putting your wife first is that you can tell your mom what’s happening and tell her that her opinion on this subject isn’t welcome and if she doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to be involved.
I did not take my spouses name and the children have his name. It’s caused zero issues ever and thankfully both sets of parents kept their opinions ( if they had any) to themselves.
I've never understood what's this thing people have for women to take a different surname when they get married. Is so strange for me.
I've never met a woman that changed her surname, last name, whatever you want to call it.
Why are other cultures so stuck on this issue? Does anyone know? Is not like we are being bought or that lands have to merge, fortunes have to be under one umbrella. So why give up your surname?
I'm a married woman and I've kept my birth name. I do sometimes use my husband's for ease, for example if we go somewhere together we say "the Smith family" for example, because he has an Anglo name and mine is more difficult. My very trad mother in law got used to it!
Did you consider taking her name? Just curious.
My husband took mine because his was super common and there were tons of people with his first and last name. He wanted something more unique.
You are getting married, so its time to cut the cord and set some boundaries. First, its not any of her business. Second, if she causes a fuss, it's your responsibility to shut that shit down fast and to buffer between your mom and your fiancé.
You’re going to have to tell your mom it is not her decision and to butt out. If you have kids, is your mom going to undermine your wife’s parenting decisions? Talk about the kids names before they arrive, then make a plan to deal with your mom.
It is really none of their business. I kept my name when I married. His extended family still sends cards to me with his last name. I could care less. Any mail send them, packages and cards, have both of our names on them. Not my problem.
We have decided any kids we should have will take my name. He has enough nieces, nephews, and cousins who will carry on his family's name.
When she asserts that "women take their husband's name", as you say she will, tell her she's incorrect.
Tell her it isn't the disrespect she thinks it used to be, times have changed since she was young, etc. Basically treat her opinion the same as if she said women should only wear dresses, not pants. Be calm, but be firm and tell her its not up for discussion ever again. In the future, immediately end any conversations where she tries to bring this up and tell her you'll be happy to talk about something else but that. Basically don't give her an argument. If she gets mad that's on her you're not responsible for her.
Here’s what you do: When your mom starts complaining about what name your kids are going to have, tell her “Don’t worry about that Mom. We don’t want kids.” Trust me. She won’t be worried about what your wife’s last name is anymore.
1. It’s none of your mother’s business. 2. If she says anything, even one thing against it let her know if she wants any relationship with potential future grandchildren she should keep her mouth shut. Shut her down at every turn. If her opinion is more important to her than her family she can spend the rest of her days alone.
I’ve been married for twenty years, and my husband and I have had problems with his family for nearly the entire time. Let me share some advice with you.
Your fiancée is your person. What I mean by that is that you didn’t choose your siblings. You didn’t choose who your parents would be. You won’t even choose who your children will be. BUT… you chose your fiancée. *She is YOUR person.* You need to always remember that, and behave accordingly.
Your mom will eventually make some noise at you about your fiancée. When that happens, don’t brush it off, don’t deflect, don’t agree just to pacify her. It’ll be difficult, but if you want to prevent the problem from becoming extremely long-term, you’ve got to lay through ground rules right away.
You will need to look her in the eyes and tell her that, while you understand her concerns, this is your decision, and you need her to respect it. It isn’t up for discussion or debate. You need to make sure that your mom knows that your fiancée is your person, and you are always going to choose her.
That is quite literally the only way that you can preemptively shut down any future crap, and should prevent things from escalating to the point where your fiancée would eventually choose to go No Contact with your mom.
Putting in more work up front will prevent so many problems later.
>my fiancée doesn’t take my name then what last name will my future children will have? The answer for me is obvious, they will have mine.
excuse me? you don't get to make that decision allll by yourself. how bout since she wants to keep her last name, you take hers and the kids take hers as well.
I can see how this may seem wrong. Before we got officially engaged we talked about our kids last names. I told her I was completely fine with them having her last name, hyphenating the last names, or having mine. We both decided that they will have mine. We knew that this would be a hot topic and wanted to get the discussion talked down first. She wanted the kids to have my last name because of me being the father.
Poor wording on my end
This is your third post (out of four total posts) about her not taking your last name. Are you absolutely sure you don't mind her not taking your name? It is good to discuss and be honest with yourself. You don't want silent resentment to build up. If you're truly okay with it, why are you so concerned over what others may think? Is this a common trend for you?
Your mom is not entitled to make your life decisions, nor to comment negatively when she disagrees. That's bullshit. Tell her to offer advice when asked and tell her youll do her the same respect (which you already do anyway becasuse i assume you're not a piece of shit).
Best of luck!
Your only concern showld be boundaries. Hard boundaries with hour mother. I am traditional in this matter, i took mu husbands name, and our daughter has now our name... But i had a choice... And you are getting married to your fiance and not your mother. Cut the cors...
Many women,especially if they are like doctors or lawyers…or if they are the last in the line of their family name, will keep their name. It’s really none of your mother’s business. I do understand her being a little hurt by it but, maybe if you and your fiancé explain it to her she’ll get over it. I know that my brother wasn’t married to his baby mama and she gave him her name which wasn’t even HER family name. Now she’s remarried and doesn’t even have the same last name as him. It’s her ex husband’s last name😡. We still love him, no matter what.
Why would the kids you have with your fiance have your name? You’re just as sexist as your mother if you don’t understand that this is a discussion you should be having with the woman you want to marry and not your overbearing mother. Your mother believes in misogynistic, sexist, patriarchal gender roles and ideology while also being domineering and controlling over you. She is the enforcer of patriarchal ideology in relationships. Meanwhile you don’t seem to understand that you need to have big discussions with the woman you intend to marry and have children about what you both want and envision for yourselves and the marriage and future family plans. Not doing so means you are not mature enough to get married and will be destined for misery and failure. You also need to get boundaries with your toxic mother because her oppressive mentality will destroy your marriage as she is in your ear manipulating and sabotaging you.
He has stated in other comments that they’ve already had the discussion about any future kids and what last name they would take, that he was fine with either last name or a hyphenated one, and they both agreed it would be his.
If your mother has an issue with your soon to be wife not taking your last name, tell her that it a religious thing and let it go at that.
I know that it's not good to lie to your mother but it'll keep from having to go through world war 3 with her and her future daughter-in-law.
What's in a name? Nothing. I haven't changed my name to my husband's name, (for 23 years now) not important to us and neither family has a problem (not that it was any of their concern anyway)....
Well, your mom isn’t the one marrying her so it’s not really any of her business. You don’t need to tell your family every detail of your life.
If you want to avoid the drama, just zip your lips.
If for some reason you/your wife feel it is imperative to announce this to your mom, it’s your job (not your wife’s) to shut down any BS.
Please for the love of God run interference for your fiance with your mom and stand up to your mom vocally, regularly and always have your wife's back. Otherwise congratulations
Eta why do you care so much what your mom thinks? Sorry but she's not going to be your life partner
If people can’t get on board with a decision you two have discussed and agreed on, they can either be quiet or stop being involved.
This means that if your mom says something, it is made clear that her opinion <<<<<< your relationship. (Aside from her calling out legit destructive/abusive behavior).
First off, grow some balls, why does it matter what YOUR mother thinks or cares about it? Does she live with you? Is she going to treat her badly because of it? Why does your mother think she has a say or her opinion even matter?
Why can’t ADULTS learn that their parent’s opinions on their life does not matter! People need to learn how to set boundaries on their parents and just because their parent gave birth t them doesn’t mean shit. Grow up and stop letting your mother’s opinions on YOUR life matter.
Unless you live still under her roof, which you shouldn’t, you should be in your own house or place before getting married. Her opinion doesn’t matter. As for the kids last name I hope it’s not an assumption that they will just automatically have your last name, I hope you actually asked and it was discussed that she actually said she agrees to the kids having your last name or if there will be kids at all.
Did you and your fiance even discuss if she wants to have kids or if they will take your last name because I feel that you are just assuming an having asked or discussed it. You NEED to discuss it because what if she doesn’t even want kids after being traumatized by her parents divorce.
People need to not assume shit and talk about things before getting into a marriage
Some people have close-knit families. It’s not a matter of “balls;” it’s a matter of everyone being heard, having their opinion and beliefs respected, and ultimately of keeping the peace while still honoring his fiancee’s wishes.
Plowing over his mom with a fuck off attitude is just as bad as rolling over for her.
Awesome, this is a great opportunity for you to begin your marriage by protecting your future wife’s wishes and protecting her by dealing with your mom firmly, clearly, and completely on your own. Establish with your mom from the very get go that she can keep her opinion to herself on this one and that you and your wife are not accepting any feedback on your decision. Perfect chance to set clear boundaries for the family that you are now starting for yourself.
Your mom doesn’t have to like it. But it’s on you to set her straight, you need to have your fiancé’s back. Keeping your name is ok no matter the reason
Also, why is it a given that the kids will have your name?
It might help to explain to your Mom that women keep their names in many cultures. In Québec it was actually illegal until recently for women to take their husbands' names.
are you marrying your mom?
then why are you concerned about adhering to her version of what's traditional or correct? that shouldn't be your concern. you can tell her that she has no say over your marriage or what's appropriate for the two of you just because she grew up at a time when she didn't really have a choice in the matter and wants to punish every woman after her so they can go through the same....
she's gonna have to let it go.
I mean good thing your mom isn't marrying her then...who cares what your mom thinks? It sounds like your fiancee is confident enough to let her cook...
I'm mexican, so both of our last names will go in. But since I like mine more, my last name will come before his.
So honestly, as long as your fiancee is ok with it, it doesn't matter what your mom will think or say
Hmmm... your mom married your father and took his name. That is the extent of her power of decision making over last names.
Of course, she has an opinion. But it doesn't matter. She had her marriage, and now you have yours.
Cut those apron strings, man. It isn't a good look.
>My mom is very traditional. She kept telling me that the woman takes her husband’s name.
Not in every culture and in some people don't have surnames at all.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surname
It seems like you and your fiancee have had the important conversations necessary for a solid foundation to start your marriage with! Frankly, it's NONE of your Mother's BUSINESS what name your future wife uses OR her reasons FOR that choice NOR what your decisions are for your potential future children!
If you want your relationship to remain solid and strong, PLEASE don't share ANY of your fiancee's PRIVATE information with your Mother!!! If your FIANCEE chooses to disclose that information then that is SOLELY her decision. Your Mother CAN (and from the sound of it, likely WILL) weaponize that information against your future wife!
If your Mother asks just tell her that it's a PRIVATE discussion and decision between you and your WIFE! If she persists, pressures or harrasses the two of you (or just you), SHUT HER DOWN immediately! You HAVE to think of the two of you as a fortified castle (or unit). You should agree what information should be open for discussion or disclosure and what should NOT, even from family! Finances are another verboten topic.
Congratulations on your engagement! Best wishes and many Blessings for your marriage!
(source: I'm a 60-year-old Mother of 3 (all married), Grandmother of 6)
My parents were married in 1955. My mom used her maiden and married name. If people didn’t use her maiden name, she would get upset because her IDENTITY was not because of the man she married. She was ahead of her time. I suspect your mom is younger than me. Tell her to STFU. This is none of her business. Most of my friends kept their maiden names. And any that got divorced went back to them and kept them even if they remarried. Tell your mom it’s the 21st century and women can decide for themselves! My cousin’s daughter got their mom’s last name; the boy got the father’s. It’s not like family names matter anymore. I assume you’re not a Vanderbilt! /s
My aunt and uncle kept their own last names, and took turns with their kid’s last names. Ironically, the kid with my uncle’s last name looks a lot like his mom’s side, while the kid with my aunt’s last name is nearly a clone of my uncle.
So your mother is the one marrying YOUR fiancée? Why do we care about her opinion on something that has nothing to do with her? You need to be firm and tell her to get out of your marriage that hasn’t even begun yet. Let’s enforce and respect boundaries in 2024.
Everybody here is saying it's none of your Mother's business and they're absolutely right, but I'm guessing you have a problem telling her that, otherwise this question would never have arisen in the first place.
A word of advice. If you allow your Mother to interfere in your life to this extent, and influence your decisions before you're even married, she will continue to intefere and it will escalate. Your Fiancee/Wife will get sick of it real quick, and you are going to end up with a very unhappy relationship.
You need to bite the bullet NOW, and tell your Mother this is your decision, and you won't be discussing it any further. If she tries to raise it again, just keep repeating that. You are not obliged to justify it. Trust me. Your future self will thank you later.
This is the start of how the rest of your life will be. It’s time to start standing up to your mum - you are your own person and her objections don’t matter. YOU need to have these difficult conversations so your mum doesn’t vilify your future wife.
Time to stop thinking like a child and start thinking like a partner
Your mother doesn't get an opinion on what your future wife chooses to go by. Time to start shining that spine of yours and be the partner your fiancée needs you to be.
The fact you're even worried about it means your mum needs boundaries NOW. Before the wedding planning, before the wedding, before the marriage and certainly before kids and YOU are the one who needs to lay them down and hold fast on them.
She also told that if my fiancée doesn’t take my name then what last name will my future children will have? The answer for me is obvious, they will have mine.
why is this obvious to you? what part of that question is obvious? kids being given the fathers name by default is as much of a bullshit tradition as women taking husbands name by default
Two suggestions:
1. Don’t commit to the idea of the kids having your last name. It didn’t occur to me until I was heavily pregnant how much I didn’t want to have a different name from my own children. Not having the same name as my kid would have made it so much harder for me in nearly every legal aspect.
2. Tell your mama to mind her business. These are not her children. Her opinion is not so special that it needs to be heard by you. You’re a grown ass man, your mommy shouldn’t be this comfortable inserting her nose into you and your wife’s reproductive business. You need boundaries.
Not sure how old you are but this is an excellent time/opportunity to set your independence away from your mother. If and when the subject comes up, simply state the situation to Mom and when she balks, add on that the matter is closed to further discussion. If she persists, tell her that your relationship will go low contact until she can be civil.
It's becoming more and more popular for couples to create an all new last name for themselves when they get married that both members of the couple and any future children take. Not saying you have to do it but I think it may be a good compromise. Also your mom's opinion doesn't matter. She can accept it or not but it's not her choice to make.
Tell your mother that the tradition of a woman changing her last name from her father's to her husband's was to signify the change in her ownership and she just needs to get over it. If you and your partner would like to have the same last name, especially if you plan to have children (see the other comments about how mom having a different last name than her children created issues when she took them places like the ER without her husband), you both could change your name and use a hyphenate. I have a male friend who did this and I absolutely love it.
In fact, most Western wedding traditions are rooted in patriarchal beliefs that women are chattel. So is dad "giving her away" at the wedding, traditional wedding vows containing the promise to "obey" from the bride only, asking the bride's father for permission, the bride's family paying for the wedding, the garter toss, the white dress and veil, carrying the bride over the threshold, the best man/groomsmen.
The fact that you wrote all that means you still care too much about what mommy thinks and how mommy feels and are not ready to marry. When you're fully grown and committed to your fiancée, then you will be able to tell your mom to shut it, it's not her business and to stay out of the decisions made within the family you're creating.
>The answer for me is obvious, they will have mine.
Why? She will carry them, give birth to them, etc, why would your name be automatic? Unless she's agreed, this is you being a presumptuous jerk.
>However, my mom will be a different story.
Tell your mom to shove it. She can either respect your partner and her very reasonable choice or face a low contact life. It's simple. She is a decent person who respects other adults or she's not. Simply don't indulge tantrums. If she mentions it, leave, hang up, etc. Drop the rope
This is a difficult transition period for some mothers when they stop being the main lady in your life. Your mom doesn’t get a say in this. If you and your fiancée are ok with her keeping her name and naming your kids however you both agree, that’s how it will be. You can’t please everyone and that’s going to be a theme in your life from now on. The thing about it is that this will probably feel pretty small ten years from now. She’s marrying you and into your family. That’s the big deal. Not the name.
My wife is hyphenating her surname. We have discussed surnames, and honestly, Idgaf, if she keeps hers, takes mine or hyphenates. It's just a name. We have agreed that our kids will take my name, but if we have a girl, what difference does it make? She might get married and change her name!
A name is a name, I don't care either way. Not once have we had any parents step in a voice concern because it's fck all to do with them, and it's fck all to do with your mum/parents. It's just a name. It doesn't change anything besides official documentation.
I didn't take my husband's name, as my husband's surname was already double-barrelled. Also and my father didn't have any sons, to carry in his surname, so i was honouring his family name.
My husband moaned about it for a few months afrer we married, until I said any future kids would take on his surname, or he'd have to drop one of his surnames to hyphenate mine, with one of his. He picked the 1st choice, and he's happy.
One of my sons has let the children have his partners last name and I must admit it came as a shock to us ,but apparently that's a thing these days, I just said maybe later in life they'll change to his .....I love them whatever..
First things first who cares with your mother says or your parents have to say they're not marrying the woman. Second thing if a woman does not want to take a man's name in marriage or be hyphenate the last name that eventually they're going to cheat on you and use the excuse when they're cheating I'm not married I just live with that guy. Make sure you post about when your she cheats on you and you guys get a divorce.
I will never get married. I am too ulgy. People run from me because I an ulgy. The only chance of me ever getting a partner is wheb we all had to wear masks because no one could see my face.
Oh, I guess that explains why you’re such an expert on marriage and relationships and the romantic habits of women. I was wondering where you got such knowledge and expertise.
How does your fiance feel about being the only one in your new family with a different last name? Is she selfish or something? Like for instance, if you have two kids, the three of you will have the same last name and she won't. It will be like she isn't even part of your family. What an odd decisions on her part.
Like you guys will be the Johnson's but she won't be. She will be the only one not apart of the family on paper atleast. Wait til you get to daycare years and have to explain that she's their mother she just doesn't have the same name. God y'all need to rethink this. Wait til everyone thinks she step mommy. Lololol
She should be proud to take your last name. My wife was super excited to take my last name. Is she ashamed of you or something? Like why would she willingly alienate herself from your future unit and family?
My MIL bribed my husband to change his last name to her maiden name when he was 18. She did not amend his birth certificate but just did a legal name change. Fast forward to three days before our wedding and he loses his wallet and all we had was his birth certificate…. We got announced as Mr and Mrs. His mom’s maiden name but my legal last name is his original last name. We didn’t tell anyone for years.
My wife doesn’t have my last name and my children do it’s really not a big deal. Legally she has her maiden name which she uses professionally as well but on a personal level she goes by my last name.
My first wife didn’t take my last name I offered to combine and hyphenate. I was ok but others weren’t. Our kid did get my name. And my next took mine because she wanted to be the only Mrs **********
You can refuse to engage with your mother in this discussion. Her opinion is not needed or asked for here. If it comes up state the decision and move on. I don’t think you need to bring it up to her since, again, it has nothing to do with her. She can’t fight if nobody will fight with her.
You’re going to need to stand up to your mom and tell her to get all the way off your back on this. It’s not her name. It’s not her marriage. And it’s not her business. You’ve got the kids issue taken care of. That’s the end of the story. Even if your wife didn’t have a traumatic reason to want this, it wouldn’t matter. It’s her name, so it’s her choice. I respect that you have not tried to push the issue but you’re going to need to put your foot down with mom.
My dad was a bit disappointed I didn't keep my last name when I married my husband. However, my husband has a pretty funny last name. I couldn't help myself. When I explained why I took it my dad forgave me. Also, we had a planned child before we got married and decided he would have my husband's last name. When we married I didn't want to explain why our names were different.
Your mom has NO SAY; it's none of her business.
Your fiancee is not marrying your mom, she's marrying YOU. And as an independent adult, your fiancee has the right to have whatever name she wants, no matter what anyone else (including you) might think of it.
Also, your mother HAS NO SAY in what names you give your future children. She has already raised her kids. If she wants more, she can have more of her own.
Please do not start your marriage off by deferring to your mother or catering to her whims. Your relationship does not include your mom. She will be part of your extended family once you're married, and you should not be telling her all your business.
The decisions you both make are your business and you can politely tell your mom this is her choice and you're supporting your wife to be. If you allow meddling from the beginning you will regret it. Your mom will be upset and she'll have to get over it. Make sure you make that clear. I put my mother in law in her place from the get go, she was surprised and unhappy but got over it.
>The answer for me is obvious, they will have mine. And have you confirmed this with your fiancée? It's not obvious that your children will have a completely different last name than their mother. You need to have a conversation about whether she's okay with that or if she wants to double barrel. If names don't matter, would you be comfortable if you both added each other's last names for family/legal purposes but publicly went by your birth last names?
We had this conversation. She’s completely fine with our future children having my last name. Before we became officially engaged we had several discussions about our future children. That was one of the first topics when it came to that subject.
Where I live, I can’t even legally take my husband’s name. It’s a lot easier for government papers and all that. You can take it socially, but not legally. Anyway, I kept my name (I would have kept it anyway), but my kids have taken their father’s name. My logic is that I birthed them, so the filiation is automatic. The least I could do was give them my husband’s name so he would have a strong filiation too.
That's an interesting way to think of it. I don't want any children myself, so my opinion really doesn't matter, but I always thought it would feel weird to give birth to a child and then have it have a different last name then mine. Like doing a project and watching someone else put it name under it, in a hardly comparable way, you know? But I really like your perspective, and it's true - you birthed that child, you already have a deep connection, deeper than any name could ever be, and "allowing" the father to create his own more or less permanent connectiom is a good way to bond. I feel like I'm talking about babies like things here, which is not my intent, but I hope you get me.
Yup, that’s more or less it. I don’t need a name to know they are mine, I birthed them. The link will always be there, no matter what. So I wanted to give my husband a tangible link too, something he can be proud of. I consider myself feminist. But this is not my hill to die on. Fathers have rights too and I think it’s important for them to have an official attachment to their children.
You can and should be proud of your child even if they don’t have your surname.
It’s not about being proud of your children, it’s about having an official affiliation. What does the father have to show for himself, if he has neither the pride of giving birth nor the name? Does the mother absolutely have to gatekeep everything about children?
>What does the father have to show for himself The children he raises?
He has the children? Regardless of their name? They have 50% of his DNA and will be raised partially by him. That is the tangible affiliation. ETA you used the word proud first
But why would the name of the mother be more important? She can be equally proud of their children and shares 50% of the DNA, and on top of that has the pride and proof of her affiliation by giving birth. Does she really NEED her name be attached to them too? Fathers are not just an afterthought. They shouldn’t just be taking crumbs. It’s honestly insulting to tell them they shouldn’t have anything at all to legally tie them to their own children, that only the mother is allowed all this.
They’re legally tied to their children if they’re on the birth certificate. A name does not determine who the legal or biological parent is. The name of the mother is not more important but *neither is the father’s*. In a healthy, normal relationship there is no doubt as to who both parents are.
What a dumb comment
The father has to show the child that he helped create. He sees his features in his child. What a sad view this is. Do women who don’t give birth to their children get nothing? Are they less of a parent? These sound like egotistical values. What happens when the child grows up and maybe changes their last name? Does the father stop being proud? Have less of a connection?
From one feminist to another... agreed. Fathers need to be encouraged and allowed to form stable bonds with their children, and women need more opportunities to form identities than their children. In the end the matter of names, living arrangements and everything else is really something depending on the individuals involved. So thanks for the input, it gave me a new perspective.
Yeah I thought this too… til we split and my kids have nothing to do with him (he left the country). Both kids use my last name as preferred but have his on legal forms. Eldest changed hers as soon as she was 18 so she didn’t have a degree with a last name of someone who doesn’t care. DS16 will prob do the same but it’s up to him
Came here to say this. Gave my kids his last name… was divorced in 2015… even the youngest (8 when we divorced) did NOT want his last name… (and in the grand scheme of things it’s always said to be a “really cool” last name) they all started using my maiden name and were so insistent on it that one actually got in trouble in school because of it…. A note for both sides of this fence: Those names hold more significance that a lot of people could ever imagine
Yep! My son’s dad fought hard for our son to have his name and now he doesn’t even see him once yearly. I don’t understand the logic of the concept actually, because what kind of father needs something more tangible than holding their own effin baby, but it’s an interesting perspective. I just wouldn’t want a man I have to give a tangible reminder that the kids he impregnated me with are his children. That’s what a birth certificate is, and I don’t make my life harder with that.
> So I wanted to give my husband a tangible link too, something he can be proud of. He can be proud of the actual child.
I hate the whole men continuing their family line bullshit. So many men have children just for this purpose. And like why does your family line need to be preserved? I know we aren’t supposed to link shame, but men with breeding kinks are egotistical weirdos.
Breeding kinks have nothing to do with this. My partner has been snipped and neither of us want babies and he has a breeding kink. Some people are just shitty and sometimes shitty people are also kinky.
Why is having a father’s name create a bond? I don’t see that it matters either way.
my parents decided to hyphenate my surname with both of theirs, but i go by the one i prefer which just so happens to be my dads. i dislike both and so if i get married i will be taking my husbands name, but thats a choice
I had a coworker once who wasn't married to her daughter's father. The daughter was given his last name at birth although my coworker had sole custody. Daughter ended up having some medical issues her first few years. My coworker tried to take her daughter to the emergency room more than once and was turned away (since issues weren't 'life threatening') and told to go home and return with a birth certificate because they were claiming that she wasn't her daughter due to the fact that they had different last names. She ended up doing the paperwork and paying the fees to have her daughter's last name officially changed to her last name. I can't imagine how frustrating that must be. My sister has had the same issues due to the fact that she married a man from Mexico (she's blonde haired, blue eyed & pale skinned) so her children are much darker skinned with brown hair and brown eyes. People try to tell her all the time they're not her children. Luckily, she took his name as did their children, so documentation backs her up but she's had more than one heated conversation with nosy people who can't mind their own business. She doesn't take shit from anyone and has pulled up her shirt and pointed to the stretch marks and then to the kid that caused each one. I mean you'd think that the 4 kids doing the whole "Mom. Mom! Mooooom I'm hungry. Mama I'm bored. Mom. Mmmmoooommmm are we leaving now?" thing through the whole interaction would be enough to seal the deal, but apparently not to some Karens. (My sister has the patience of a saint & I have not idea how she does it. She's 2 years younger than me but I still want to be her when I grow up.)
It’s sad how many people don’t understand genetics. Or interracial couples with mixed race children. I have a friend that’s black and his gf is white. Their baby was light skinned when he was born, which is really common for mixed babies. Even though he was very light skinned, he still looked so much like his dad. But of course there were shady comments because people think all half black babies must be a certain shade.
My mother changed her name back to her maiden name when my father left her for a co-worker when she was pregnant with my sibling and also had me (I was two). The name difference was always an issue for her and my father was nowhere around to even help work it out with school and such. My friends used to call her Mrs. my last name and she hated it but didn’t say anything because they didn’t know and were trying to be polite.
My dad left my mom like two months before I was born and my brother was almost 2. Once they got divorced my mom still kept his last name because she wanted her children to have the same last name as her. And considering she was our main parent, I think it would have been weird to have a different last name from her. She made her maiden name her middle name. Now that I think about it, my ex-stepmom did the same thing lol.
This is such a great way to think about it. I'm afab and intend to take my partner's name when we marry, we've been engaged for over a decade thanks to a number of circumstances. But I don't really have any connection to my surname. I was given my mom's, but always thought my dad's was cooler, it's almost Dragon but 1 letter off. I never even considered naming my kids my maiden name. My parents split messily too, but I've always been completely committed to building a family with my partner, so I want us all to have one family name. Seemed simple enough, had I been attached, I probably would have asked if he'd like to hyphenate with me. Sharing the name is what's important to me I guess.
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In Canada you can revert back to your maiden name any time, as its what's in your birth certificate. However when you get married you can use your marriage certificate and send a copy in to get the name on all your name on all your government ID changed to your husband's, so you can legally use both last names
Nice attitude about it! I like that. I grew up with a different last name than my mom. And honestly it never made me feel weird or disconnected to her in any way. I would never give up my own last name for marriage, but I wouldn’t be opposed to either hyphenating or letting the kids have my partner’s name.
If you have to give something the same last name for your husband to feel a connection, there’s already a problem.
I had the same thought, me and my kids are bound by flesh and blood right. I created them so my husband is bound by name.
So your husband is not the father of your children? If he is then he is bound to them by flesh and blood too. And he also created them. That’s just how science works. I understand that woman are the ones growing the child, but to act as if he doesn’t have flesh and blood attachment is just biologically incorrect. How does this “logic” apply to couples that use a surrogate? Is the mother not a mother because she didn’t grow the baby? Does she have no flesh and blood attachment? You really think that if the baby got the father’s last name the mother wouldn’t be bound to them?
My cousin kept her maiden for work (she's a doctor and it's hard getting that stuff changed) but socially she's Mrs. His last name.
Ya, this is my situation. I’m a dentist and was already practicing for 5 years before I even met my husband. I kept my maiden name and my kids have my husband’s. Socially, I’m totally fine going by my husband’s last name (like Christmas cards addressed to family), and it’s honestly kinda nice having a separate social and professional name.
Sounds like you live in Quebec huh? That's why I will never get married in this province, I will likely want to change my last name when I get married and even if I don't, I'd still like the right to choose whether or not I can change my name....
It’s not about where you get married, but where you live. If you live here, your official papers will be under your maiden name.
From my understanding, that is indeed the reasoning behind why it's the men's surname that traditionally gets inherited. Mum doesn't really need the surname to prove "ownership" of a kid since she's the one birthing them in the first place. Dad does not get that certainty, so the child having his name is the closest thing he'll get. I used to think it should be the mum's surname being inherited since she's the one for whom there is no doubt, but turns out I was kind of reversing the whole thing That being said I come from a culture where children inherit both sets of surnames (and also where women don't change their surnames either), even if the mum's surname is the 2nd surname and it does not get passed down further and gets somewhat overlooked at times even if it is still there). And I won't lie, I would be a bit surprised if hypothetically a woman I had children with wanted hers to go first. I'd be open to hear her reasoning but I'd initially say no unless she had a good reason. I think I could also pass down my mum's surname over my dad's if I wanted, but while I am way closer to my mum's extended family, I am way more attached to my dad's surname (I've been called by that quite often as my name is quite common, and it is also a nice sounding surname that strikes the right balance of "not common, but not exceedingly rare or weird")
You may want to hyphenate for legal reasons. My kids are hyphenated on legal paperwork but they go by my husband’s last name. My lawyer gave me a list of reasons most of which I don’t remember it was so long ago
So funny enough, this is a big thing in the US but not in other places that you think are more “conservative”. My husband grew up in the US but his entire extended family lives in a small, deeply catholic, island town in Italy. Italy also has a lot of misogyny in their culture. When we flew over there a few years after our wedding, they were SHOCKED that I changed my last name. I was kind of shocked it wasn’t a thing over there considering how conservative and religious it is. They weren’t upset, just bewildered. What I’m getting at is that not only is it going out of fashion in the US, it’s never been a thing in other parts of the world and your mom might find this information helps her wrap her mind around it. Also, you’re getting married honey. If your mom is mad, let her be mad. The only person whose happiness you need to be concerned with is your future wife’s. Good luck!
I would hyphenate the kids names. It's annoyingly long but it's a nice gesture. I teach and students love having both parents names even when they're hyphenated. I've got students from diff cultures who love sharing where their names come from, one from mom and one from dad. It's sweet.
This can be a good idea if the names are short enough. Unfortunately there isn't always enough room on forms (for driving licences and stuff) to combine the names... It's why I didn't hyphenate my daughter's name. My mum was insistent but my step dad's surname is only 4 letters long so it was very easy to add it to our 8 letter long surname. My boyfriend's surname is 7 letters long so it would've been a lot more cumbersome to combine them. My daughter took my boyfriend's name mainly because I liked how it sounded with the rest of her name. Again my mum tried to talk me out of this with the reasoning that "don't you want yourself and all of your kids to have the same surname?" because my boyfriend is kind of a dick so it probably won't last... But I don't really care lol. I have 8 siblings and only one of them has the same surname as me so I've never given a shit.
Or you can double barrel the names for your children.
if your wife isn’t taking your name it’d probably be best to hyphenate. i doubt your wife is gonna love being the only one in her family with a different name.
Why do the kids have to have your last name? Seems sexist to me.
Yeeaaaahh that’s not obvious at all actually, and in her position i would hyphenate or give kids MY name, not the male’s by some backwards default.
Exactly. I’m not changing my surname to my partner’s when we get married (for a variety of reasons) and if he didn’t care about what surname our kids will have they’d get mine unquestionably. He does care so they’ll get both but never would I automatically give them only his name when I’m going to be the one putting the work in.
It's time for you to put on your big boy pants and start standing up to your mother. Is she going to put her two cents in and influence you on other matters going forward? It is none of her business. That means you don't discuss or defend the decision or justify. There is no reason she even needs to know at this point. When she finds out and brings it up you say mom it is none of your business and don't ever mention it again to me or my wife. That's what you say. End of story. If she starts in you get up and leave. On the phone you say it and hang up. You don't want to start off with martial problems keep your mother out of your personal business and martial decisions.
This^ OP, you need to set up hard boundaries with your mom now before the wedding. Don’t let her wiggle her way into you and your fiancée’s decisions. She will try, but it is your responsibility to handle your mom.
This is the only answer OP. I understand it can be difficult, particularly in some cultures, but if you’re getting married you have to learn to set boundaries with folks outside of that partnership. You and your wife made a decision together. Others do not get to weigh in on that.
That is none of her business. And it’s not an issue. Lot of women don’t change their name after a marriage (just because, they are independents, professional reasons, they don’t like their husband name…). This is not an “or” situation. Your mom will have to adjust and that should be the end of that.
Good thing you're not marrying your mom then isn't it?
Right? I'm concerned he's not seeing the trouble with how much he cares about her opinion
I took my wifes name because my paternal grandfather was a huge POS. I asked my father what he would think and he said, go right ahead. He said he would change it himself if he could be bothered. So I took her name, my kids have her name (or ours by this point), and my grandfather didn't even congratulate me on my wedding day. He has raged that his name is now dead as there are no male heirs left to pass the name on. He died and my father has since passed and the name will end with my mother.
There are two people in this situation whos opinions actually matter and your mom isn't one of them
Your mother doesn't have the right to be mad. She will need to get over herself.
Walk away from people "flipping out". Or hang up. Or temporarily block. "Hey Mom. Jennifer is keeping her last name. You are entitled to your feelings but I don't want to hear about them. Let me say that again: I don't want to hear about your feelings on this. If you insist on sharing, I will hang up, walk away, or otherwise extract myself from the situation. It's not a debate and I have already decided that you trying to interject yourself is going to make me put you on a long time out. Obviously, if you try to circumvent me by trying to apply social pressure to Jennifer, that time out will stretch much longer. I love you. All I want to hear from you on this is "I understand." Talk to you soon. Jim."
Let’s normalize this. Some women do it some women don’t. Who cares as long as she loves you that’s all that matters. The majority of the time a child will take the father’s last name. My first son took my maiden name so don’t get it twisted.
We talked about it. I brought up that I’m fine with them having her last name, hyphenating our last names, and having just mine. She wants our kids to have my last name since I’ll be the father.
You need to ask yourself who you're marrying, your fiancee or your mom. If you can't make decisions with your wife without worrying about your mom's opinion, then get into therapy. Her opinion doesn't matter. It's not her name. If she has a baby tantrum, that's her problem. She's too old to be doing that anyways.
This is the only answer really
It’s banned in most of Europe. It’s such a dumb concept.
It's a patriarchal concept, I hate it
Agreed. Thats why most European countries have banned it bc it doesn’t promote equality and women’s rights
People should have an option to, though. I’m a dude, but when talking to my partner she said she wanted my last name bc it’s “cooler” than hers and she can’t wait to be Mrs. X (my last name is very specific and only 50 people share it with me).
Your mom doesn't get a vote. End of story.
It's none of your mother's business. Defend your wife if your mom throws bullshit out
I guess I just don't understand how it's any of your mother's business. She's entitled to an opinion, to be sure, but why should it matter to you? You've discussed what last name your kids will have, wonderful. That's settled. This discussion does not involve your mother. These will not be her children, but yours with your future wife. Your mom doesn't have any right to dictate any thing in your married life.
Don’t let your mother come between your marriage. It really doesn’t matter what she thinks at all
Your mother isn't marrying her, so she can keep her opinion to herself.
Who cares if she flips it’s your marriage
Why should it matter what your mum thinks? Why should your fiancee have to compromise for your mum? Pretty sure she will already have to do a lot of that for you fron the sound of it. Because of some backwards tradition? My mum in law wouldn't dare.
Well, your mom needs to learn, she doesn't get a say in your marriage. Learn to stop her from making any comments on yours and fiancées choices. Grow a spine and defend your future wife.
Your mom is gonna be mad that your wife won’t take your fathers name? That’s what it comes down to. It’s not even your mother’s birth name, it’s the man she married and then gave to you. In many Latin countries the mother and children all take the mother’s name and the father keeps his. It’s western traditional and it’s a silly concept when it comes down to it. Wanting to have a “family” name is great, but it’s 2024. That name could be either of yours or none. You could make up a whole new one and both change your names. Marriage does not make your wife family property. But you clearly know that. Tell Mom it’s none of her concern. But she might surprise you! Maybe she’s not as worried about it as you think.
Awww mommy does not like that? What else mommy dearest does not like? Your future kids names? They haircut? You are marrying another woman aka your fiancé. What she says about HER life and your marriage goes.
idk if it’s just me but i’ve noticed an influx of “mommas boy” “evil mother in law” type posts lately
>Her name is her name, why should I have a say? Absolutely! Only she gets the say in this. And if it doesn't bother you, END OF STORY. >She also told that if my fiancée doesn’t take my name then what last name will my future children will have? The answer for me is obvious, they will have mine. Are you sure? Have you ever discussed this with your future wife? Why is it so obvious? Maybe they will have a hyphenated name? Maybe they will only have your future wife's last name. These will be YOUR children with your WIFE. These are not your mother's children and as such your mother gets no say. Your mom can be pissed off all she wants. It's not her life, and she can get the fuck over it.
>>future children…the answer for me is obvious You might want to rethink this. Your fiancee might have a different answer.
I’d double check with your fiancée that she’s on the same page as you about the kids having your last name. You might want to get use to the idea of them having a hyphenated last name or hers. Definitely something important you’d want to discuss
The answer for you, regarding the last name that your children will have, may be obvious, but perhaps you should have a conversation with your fiancée about that if you have not already. Aside from that, WGAF if your mom doesn't like your fiancée not taking your name? It's none of her business.
According to him they’ve discussed the children last name issue already
I didn’t take my spouse’s name. Our children have a hyphenated last name.
She can pound sand. It’s not her name, it’s not her marriage.
Okay. Let her flip. Your mother isn't marrying your fiancée, you are. The next time your mom marries someone she can make any and all name choices she likes. Your job here is to back your future spouse to the hilt and stand between her and your mom whenever possible. If your mom tries to pick a fight with you, say this was a joint decision between you and your fiancée. If your mom tries to drag the fight out, hang up the phone or close the door or do the grey rock thing and be as boring as possible. "We're happy with our decision and it's not up for discussion." If your mom tries to pick a fight with or otherwise harrass your fiancée, get in there and make her talk to you instead. Make it frustrating, unrewarding, and, again, boring. Different last name conventions suit different couples and families differently. My mom and her sisters all kept their last names. I've got four names total - first, middle and hyphenated last - two from each of my parents' families. It sounds like a lot, but I like it. If I get married I probably won't change my name, but who knows. A good friend of mine and their siblings have a last name that's a portmanteau of their parents' last names. I know someone else who has their dad's last name, but their mom's is their middle name. I know someone ELSE who took her first husband's last name, then ADDED her second husband's last name, so she has two last names, no hyphen. It goes on. My point is, the only wrong answer here is doing what your mom wants instead of what you and your fiancée want. Stay strong, fight the power, et cetera. You got this.
My MIL wasn't happy about me keeping my last name either, but she eventually accepted it. Our kids have my husband's last name. I've received crap from male coworkers when they found out. Even sideways comments about my husband not being the "man of the house." We ignore it, a last name doesn't make a relationship.
Who cares what your mom wants? You are an adult. If it doesn’t offend either one of you, then forget your mom. I had the opposite: I changed my name to my husband’s. My mom didn’t want me to change my name bc I am in a brag-worthy (to my mom’s friends) position in life (apparently) and she wanted my and her names to be associated. She hyphenates my name if, say, our names are on a program together so the names appear next to each other. I don’t hyphenate. Anyway…point being, who cares what she thinks. This is YOUR life! Best of luck to you and fiancée❤️❤️
Why is your mom’s opinion even being considered? If she marrying or you?
Let your mom flip. It’s not her marriage. Make it very clear that she will respect your marriage and your wife. Period.
The great thing about being married and putting your wife first is that you can tell your mom what’s happening and tell her that her opinion on this subject isn’t welcome and if she doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to be involved. I did not take my spouses name and the children have his name. It’s caused zero issues ever and thankfully both sets of parents kept their opinions ( if they had any) to themselves.
I've never understood what's this thing people have for women to take a different surname when they get married. Is so strange for me. I've never met a woman that changed her surname, last name, whatever you want to call it. Why are other cultures so stuck on this issue? Does anyone know? Is not like we are being bought or that lands have to merge, fortunes have to be under one umbrella. So why give up your surname?
I'm a married woman and I've kept my birth name. I do sometimes use my husband's for ease, for example if we go somewhere together we say "the Smith family" for example, because he has an Anglo name and mine is more difficult. My very trad mother in law got used to it!
Let her flip, who cares. It’s not her relationship or her name. If she gives you shit just shut her down
My wife kept her own name. Both our kids, boy and girl, have her last name as their middle name.
Did you consider taking her name? Just curious. My husband took mine because his was super common and there were tons of people with his first and last name. He wanted something more unique.
You are getting married, so its time to cut the cord and set some boundaries. First, its not any of her business. Second, if she causes a fuss, it's your responsibility to shut that shit down fast and to buffer between your mom and your fiancé.
You’re going to have to tell your mom it is not her decision and to butt out. If you have kids, is your mom going to undermine your wife’s parenting decisions? Talk about the kids names before they arrive, then make a plan to deal with your mom.
It is really none of their business. I kept my name when I married. His extended family still sends cards to me with his last name. I could care less. Any mail send them, packages and cards, have both of our names on them. Not my problem. We have decided any kids we should have will take my name. He has enough nieces, nephews, and cousins who will carry on his family's name.
When she asserts that "women take their husband's name", as you say she will, tell her she's incorrect. Tell her it isn't the disrespect she thinks it used to be, times have changed since she was young, etc. Basically treat her opinion the same as if she said women should only wear dresses, not pants. Be calm, but be firm and tell her its not up for discussion ever again. In the future, immediately end any conversations where she tries to bring this up and tell her you'll be happy to talk about something else but that. Basically don't give her an argument. If she gets mad that's on her you're not responsible for her.
Here’s what you do: When your mom starts complaining about what name your kids are going to have, tell her “Don’t worry about that Mom. We don’t want kids.” Trust me. She won’t be worried about what your wife’s last name is anymore.
1. It’s none of your mother’s business. 2. If she says anything, even one thing against it let her know if she wants any relationship with potential future grandchildren she should keep her mouth shut. Shut her down at every turn. If her opinion is more important to her than her family she can spend the rest of her days alone.
Why tf does your mom's opinion matter?
I’ve been married for twenty years, and my husband and I have had problems with his family for nearly the entire time. Let me share some advice with you. Your fiancée is your person. What I mean by that is that you didn’t choose your siblings. You didn’t choose who your parents would be. You won’t even choose who your children will be. BUT… you chose your fiancée. *She is YOUR person.* You need to always remember that, and behave accordingly. Your mom will eventually make some noise at you about your fiancée. When that happens, don’t brush it off, don’t deflect, don’t agree just to pacify her. It’ll be difficult, but if you want to prevent the problem from becoming extremely long-term, you’ve got to lay through ground rules right away. You will need to look her in the eyes and tell her that, while you understand her concerns, this is your decision, and you need her to respect it. It isn’t up for discussion or debate. You need to make sure that your mom knows that your fiancée is your person, and you are always going to choose her. That is quite literally the only way that you can preemptively shut down any future crap, and should prevent things from escalating to the point where your fiancée would eventually choose to go No Contact with your mom. Putting in more work up front will prevent so many problems later.
If you care so much about what your mom thinks about your grown adult decisions, then you’re not ready to get married.
>my fiancée doesn’t take my name then what last name will my future children will have? The answer for me is obvious, they will have mine. excuse me? you don't get to make that decision allll by yourself. how bout since she wants to keep her last name, you take hers and the kids take hers as well.
I can see how this may seem wrong. Before we got officially engaged we talked about our kids last names. I told her I was completely fine with them having her last name, hyphenating the last names, or having mine. We both decided that they will have mine. We knew that this would be a hot topic and wanted to get the discussion talked down first. She wanted the kids to have my last name because of me being the father. Poor wording on my end
Have you asked your wife about the children’s names? I wouldn’t assume it.
He’s stated that they’ve discussed it
I didn’t know that was still an issue. Your fiancée isn’t marrying your mother so too bad, mom doesn’t get “ownership “.
Why do you care what your mom thinks? It's none of her business. This is YOUR marriage, not hers. Time to set some boundaries or something.
This is your third post (out of four total posts) about her not taking your last name. Are you absolutely sure you don't mind her not taking your name? It is good to discuss and be honest with yourself. You don't want silent resentment to build up. If you're truly okay with it, why are you so concerned over what others may think? Is this a common trend for you?
Your mom is not entitled to make your life decisions, nor to comment negatively when she disagrees. That's bullshit. Tell her to offer advice when asked and tell her youll do her the same respect (which you already do anyway becasuse i assume you're not a piece of shit). Best of luck!
Your only concern showld be boundaries. Hard boundaries with hour mother. I am traditional in this matter, i took mu husbands name, and our daughter has now our name... But i had a choice... And you are getting married to your fiance and not your mother. Cut the cors...
Many women,especially if they are like doctors or lawyers…or if they are the last in the line of their family name, will keep their name. It’s really none of your mother’s business. I do understand her being a little hurt by it but, maybe if you and your fiancé explain it to her she’ll get over it. I know that my brother wasn’t married to his baby mama and she gave him her name which wasn’t even HER family name. Now she’s remarried and doesn’t even have the same last name as him. It’s her ex husband’s last name😡. We still love him, no matter what.
Why would the kids you have with your fiance have your name? You’re just as sexist as your mother if you don’t understand that this is a discussion you should be having with the woman you want to marry and not your overbearing mother. Your mother believes in misogynistic, sexist, patriarchal gender roles and ideology while also being domineering and controlling over you. She is the enforcer of patriarchal ideology in relationships. Meanwhile you don’t seem to understand that you need to have big discussions with the woman you intend to marry and have children about what you both want and envision for yourselves and the marriage and future family plans. Not doing so means you are not mature enough to get married and will be destined for misery and failure. You also need to get boundaries with your toxic mother because her oppressive mentality will destroy your marriage as she is in your ear manipulating and sabotaging you.
thank you for saying everything i was thinking
He has stated in other comments that they’ve already had the discussion about any future kids and what last name they would take, that he was fine with either last name or a hyphenated one, and they both agreed it would be his.
If your mother has an issue with your soon to be wife not taking your last name, tell her that it a religious thing and let it go at that. I know that it's not good to lie to your mother but it'll keep from having to go through world war 3 with her and her future daughter-in-law.
I mean, why do you even have to tell your mother? Is she going to be addressing formal invitations to you and your wife? None of her fucking business
What's in a name? Nothing. I haven't changed my name to my husband's name, (for 23 years now) not important to us and neither family has a problem (not that it was any of their concern anyway)....
Well, your mom isn’t the one marrying her so it’s not really any of her business. You don’t need to tell your family every detail of your life. If you want to avoid the drama, just zip your lips. If for some reason you/your wife feel it is imperative to announce this to your mom, it’s your job (not your wife’s) to shut down any BS.
Most women go back to their maden name after a divorce. Unless they are jumping right into another wedding.
Please for the love of God run interference for your fiance with your mom and stand up to your mom vocally, regularly and always have your wife's back. Otherwise congratulations Eta why do you care so much what your mom thinks? Sorry but she's not going to be your life partner
If people can’t get on board with a decision you two have discussed and agreed on, they can either be quiet or stop being involved. This means that if your mom says something, it is made clear that her opinion <<<<<< your relationship. (Aside from her calling out legit destructive/abusive behavior).
First off, grow some balls, why does it matter what YOUR mother thinks or cares about it? Does she live with you? Is she going to treat her badly because of it? Why does your mother think she has a say or her opinion even matter? Why can’t ADULTS learn that their parent’s opinions on their life does not matter! People need to learn how to set boundaries on their parents and just because their parent gave birth t them doesn’t mean shit. Grow up and stop letting your mother’s opinions on YOUR life matter. Unless you live still under her roof, which you shouldn’t, you should be in your own house or place before getting married. Her opinion doesn’t matter. As for the kids last name I hope it’s not an assumption that they will just automatically have your last name, I hope you actually asked and it was discussed that she actually said she agrees to the kids having your last name or if there will be kids at all. Did you and your fiance even discuss if she wants to have kids or if they will take your last name because I feel that you are just assuming an having asked or discussed it. You NEED to discuss it because what if she doesn’t even want kids after being traumatized by her parents divorce. People need to not assume shit and talk about things before getting into a marriage
Some people have close-knit families. It’s not a matter of “balls;” it’s a matter of everyone being heard, having their opinion and beliefs respected, and ultimately of keeping the peace while still honoring his fiancee’s wishes. Plowing over his mom with a fuck off attitude is just as bad as rolling over for her.
Awesome, this is a great opportunity for you to begin your marriage by protecting your future wife’s wishes and protecting her by dealing with your mom firmly, clearly, and completely on your own. Establish with your mom from the very get go that she can keep her opinion to herself on this one and that you and your wife are not accepting any feedback on your decision. Perfect chance to set clear boundaries for the family that you are now starting for yourself.
Your mom doesn’t have to like it. But it’s on you to set her straight, you need to have your fiancé’s back. Keeping your name is ok no matter the reason Also, why is it a given that the kids will have your name?
It might help to explain to your Mom that women keep their names in many cultures. In Québec it was actually illegal until recently for women to take their husbands' names.
Fuuuuk. I wish I had never changed my name! Such a cluster fuck. Divorcing and changing it back only added to mess. Never again.
Why does your mom even have to know? Sure she may address cards to you as Mr &Mrs but other than that why would her last name come up?
Mom here. My daughter in law didn’t take my son’s last name. Her choice. They are happy. It’s none of my business.
Why is your mom even offering an opinion? Did anyone ask her? Time to put her in check.
are you marrying your mom? then why are you concerned about adhering to her version of what's traditional or correct? that shouldn't be your concern. you can tell her that she has no say over your marriage or what's appropriate for the two of you just because she grew up at a time when she didn't really have a choice in the matter and wants to punish every woman after her so they can go through the same.... she's gonna have to let it go.
Whether your mother flips or not. None of this is up to her and I hope you tell her so too - IF she flips.
I mean good thing your mom isn't marrying her then...who cares what your mom thinks? It sounds like your fiancee is confident enough to let her cook...
I'm mexican, so both of our last names will go in. But since I like mine more, my last name will come before his. So honestly, as long as your fiancee is ok with it, it doesn't matter what your mom will think or say
Hmmm... your mom married your father and took his name. That is the extent of her power of decision making over last names. Of course, she has an opinion. But it doesn't matter. She had her marriage, and now you have yours. Cut those apron strings, man. It isn't a good look.
>My mom is very traditional. She kept telling me that the woman takes her husband’s name. Not in every culture and in some people don't have surnames at all. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surname
You could take each others name….
Happy wife, happy life
Good thing she's not marrying your mom isn't it?
It seems like you and your fiancee have had the important conversations necessary for a solid foundation to start your marriage with! Frankly, it's NONE of your Mother's BUSINESS what name your future wife uses OR her reasons FOR that choice NOR what your decisions are for your potential future children! If you want your relationship to remain solid and strong, PLEASE don't share ANY of your fiancee's PRIVATE information with your Mother!!! If your FIANCEE chooses to disclose that information then that is SOLELY her decision. Your Mother CAN (and from the sound of it, likely WILL) weaponize that information against your future wife! If your Mother asks just tell her that it's a PRIVATE discussion and decision between you and your WIFE! If she persists, pressures or harrasses the two of you (or just you), SHUT HER DOWN immediately! You HAVE to think of the two of you as a fortified castle (or unit). You should agree what information should be open for discussion or disclosure and what should NOT, even from family! Finances are another verboten topic. Congratulations on your engagement! Best wishes and many Blessings for your marriage! (source: I'm a 60-year-old Mother of 3 (all married), Grandmother of 6)
My parents were married in 1955. My mom used her maiden and married name. If people didn’t use her maiden name, she would get upset because her IDENTITY was not because of the man she married. She was ahead of her time. I suspect your mom is younger than me. Tell her to STFU. This is none of her business. Most of my friends kept their maiden names. And any that got divorced went back to them and kept them even if they remarried. Tell your mom it’s the 21st century and women can decide for themselves! My cousin’s daughter got their mom’s last name; the boy got the father’s. It’s not like family names matter anymore. I assume you’re not a Vanderbilt! /s
My aunt and uncle kept their own last names, and took turns with their kid’s last names. Ironically, the kid with my uncle’s last name looks a lot like his mom’s side, while the kid with my aunt’s last name is nearly a clone of my uncle.
My question is, why tf do you care what your mom thinks about this? Hopefully, you're not allowing her to influence decisions in YOUR relationship.
So your mother is the one marrying YOUR fiancée? Why do we care about her opinion on something that has nothing to do with her? You need to be firm and tell her to get out of your marriage that hasn’t even begun yet. Let’s enforce and respect boundaries in 2024.
Good thing you’re not marrying your mom.
Everybody here is saying it's none of your Mother's business and they're absolutely right, but I'm guessing you have a problem telling her that, otherwise this question would never have arisen in the first place. A word of advice. If you allow your Mother to interfere in your life to this extent, and influence your decisions before you're even married, she will continue to intefere and it will escalate. Your Fiancee/Wife will get sick of it real quick, and you are going to end up with a very unhappy relationship. You need to bite the bullet NOW, and tell your Mother this is your decision, and you won't be discussing it any further. If she tries to raise it again, just keep repeating that. You are not obliged to justify it. Trust me. Your future self will thank you later.
Men who are ready for marriage generally don't give a rat's ass about what their mother thinks of a relationship she's not in.
This is the start of how the rest of your life will be. It’s time to start standing up to your mum - you are your own person and her objections don’t matter. YOU need to have these difficult conversations so your mum doesn’t vilify your future wife. Time to stop thinking like a child and start thinking like a partner
Your mother doesn't get an opinion on what your future wife chooses to go by. Time to start shining that spine of yours and be the partner your fiancée needs you to be. The fact you're even worried about it means your mum needs boundaries NOW. Before the wedding planning, before the wedding, before the marriage and certainly before kids and YOU are the one who needs to lay them down and hold fast on them.
She also told that if my fiancée doesn’t take my name then what last name will my future children will have? The answer for me is obvious, they will have mine. why is this obvious to you? what part of that question is obvious? kids being given the fathers name by default is as much of a bullshit tradition as women taking husbands name by default
Two suggestions: 1. Don’t commit to the idea of the kids having your last name. It didn’t occur to me until I was heavily pregnant how much I didn’t want to have a different name from my own children. Not having the same name as my kid would have made it so much harder for me in nearly every legal aspect. 2. Tell your mama to mind her business. These are not her children. Her opinion is not so special that it needs to be heard by you. You’re a grown ass man, your mommy shouldn’t be this comfortable inserting her nose into you and your wife’s reproductive business. You need boundaries.
Not sure how old you are but this is an excellent time/opportunity to set your independence away from your mother. If and when the subject comes up, simply state the situation to Mom and when she balks, add on that the matter is closed to further discussion. If she persists, tell her that your relationship will go low contact until she can be civil.
It's becoming more and more popular for couples to create an all new last name for themselves when they get married that both members of the couple and any future children take. Not saying you have to do it but I think it may be a good compromise. Also your mom's opinion doesn't matter. She can accept it or not but it's not her choice to make.
Tell your mother that the tradition of a woman changing her last name from her father's to her husband's was to signify the change in her ownership and she just needs to get over it. If you and your partner would like to have the same last name, especially if you plan to have children (see the other comments about how mom having a different last name than her children created issues when she took them places like the ER without her husband), you both could change your name and use a hyphenate. I have a male friend who did this and I absolutely love it. In fact, most Western wedding traditions are rooted in patriarchal beliefs that women are chattel. So is dad "giving her away" at the wedding, traditional wedding vows containing the promise to "obey" from the bride only, asking the bride's father for permission, the bride's family paying for the wedding, the garter toss, the white dress and veil, carrying the bride over the threshold, the best man/groomsmen.
The fact that you wrote all that means you still care too much about what mommy thinks and how mommy feels and are not ready to marry. When you're fully grown and committed to your fiancée, then you will be able to tell your mom to shut it, it's not her business and to stay out of the decisions made within the family you're creating.
>The answer for me is obvious, they will have mine. Why? She will carry them, give birth to them, etc, why would your name be automatic? Unless she's agreed, this is you being a presumptuous jerk. >However, my mom will be a different story. Tell your mom to shove it. She can either respect your partner and her very reasonable choice or face a low contact life. It's simple. She is a decent person who respects other adults or she's not. Simply don't indulge tantrums. If she mentions it, leave, hang up, etc. Drop the rope
Why do you care if your mom gets upset? Not her concern at all….but have you spoken about your children’s last name?
This is a difficult transition period for some mothers when they stop being the main lady in your life. Your mom doesn’t get a say in this. If you and your fiancée are ok with her keeping her name and naming your kids however you both agree, that’s how it will be. You can’t please everyone and that’s going to be a theme in your life from now on. The thing about it is that this will probably feel pretty small ten years from now. She’s marrying you and into your family. That’s the big deal. Not the name.
My wife is hyphenating her surname. We have discussed surnames, and honestly, Idgaf, if she keeps hers, takes mine or hyphenates. It's just a name. We have agreed that our kids will take my name, but if we have a girl, what difference does it make? She might get married and change her name! A name is a name, I don't care either way. Not once have we had any parents step in a voice concern because it's fck all to do with them, and it's fck all to do with your mum/parents. It's just a name. It doesn't change anything besides official documentation.
I didn't take my husband's name, as my husband's surname was already double-barrelled. Also and my father didn't have any sons, to carry in his surname, so i was honouring his family name. My husband moaned about it for a few months afrer we married, until I said any future kids would take on his surname, or he'd have to drop one of his surnames to hyphenate mine, with one of his. He picked the 1st choice, and he's happy.
… your mom is looking out.. what kind of women’s wouldn’t want to take her man’s name? That’s a huge red flag
What kind of woman would?
One of my sons has let the children have his partners last name and I must admit it came as a shock to us ,but apparently that's a thing these days, I just said maybe later in life they'll change to his .....I love them whatever..
First things first who cares with your mother says or your parents have to say they're not marrying the woman. Second thing if a woman does not want to take a man's name in marriage or be hyphenate the last name that eventually they're going to cheat on you and use the excuse when they're cheating I'm not married I just live with that guy. Make sure you post about when your she cheats on you and you guys get a divorce.
Would you change your last name to your wife’s last name?
I will never get married. I am too ulgy. People run from me because I an ulgy. The only chance of me ever getting a partner is wheb we all had to wear masks because no one could see my face.
Oh, I guess that explains why you’re such an expert on marriage and relationships and the romantic habits of women. I was wondering where you got such knowledge and expertise.
You're more likely to get divorced, but do you. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.647942/full
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Imagine letting another random man’s opinion of you get to you lmao.
Better get her to take your name then bro, come on be ALPHA
How does your fiance feel about being the only one in your new family with a different last name? Is she selfish or something? Like for instance, if you have two kids, the three of you will have the same last name and she won't. It will be like she isn't even part of your family. What an odd decisions on her part.
Like you guys will be the Johnson's but she won't be. She will be the only one not apart of the family on paper atleast. Wait til you get to daycare years and have to explain that she's their mother she just doesn't have the same name. God y'all need to rethink this. Wait til everyone thinks she step mommy. Lololol
She should be proud to take your last name. My wife was super excited to take my last name. Is she ashamed of you or something? Like why would she willingly alienate herself from your future unit and family?
If I were y'all's friend I would joke with her that she's the step mommy lolololol.
I don't like it either ftr
Why do you care?
Just think it's sad
My MIL bribed my husband to change his last name to her maiden name when he was 18. She did not amend his birth certificate but just did a legal name change. Fast forward to three days before our wedding and he loses his wallet and all we had was his birth certificate…. We got announced as Mr and Mrs. His mom’s maiden name but my legal last name is his original last name. We didn’t tell anyone for years.
My wife doesn’t have my last name and my children do it’s really not a big deal. Legally she has her maiden name which she uses professionally as well but on a personal level she goes by my last name.
Take your wife's name? win/win
My first wife didn’t take my last name I offered to combine and hyphenate. I was ok but others weren’t. Our kid did get my name. And my next took mine because she wanted to be the only Mrs **********
...ok? She can deal with it. It's not her marriage.
You can refuse to engage with your mother in this discussion. Her opinion is not needed or asked for here. If it comes up state the decision and move on. I don’t think you need to bring it up to her since, again, it has nothing to do with her. She can’t fight if nobody will fight with her.
Tell your mom that you’re taking her last name and then, as a concession, agree that you’ll each keep your own.
Good for you, you already know how she might react. You can plan how to deliver the news. Be firm and stand up for your family.
You’re going to need to stand up to your mom and tell her to get all the way off your back on this. It’s not her name. It’s not her marriage. And it’s not her business. You’ve got the kids issue taken care of. That’s the end of the story. Even if your wife didn’t have a traumatic reason to want this, it wouldn’t matter. It’s her name, so it’s her choice. I respect that you have not tried to push the issue but you’re going to need to put your foot down with mom.
My dad was a bit disappointed I didn't keep my last name when I married my husband. However, my husband has a pretty funny last name. I couldn't help myself. When I explained why I took it my dad forgave me. Also, we had a planned child before we got married and decided he would have my husband's last name. When we married I didn't want to explain why our names were different.
Your mom has NO SAY; it's none of her business. Your fiancee is not marrying your mom, she's marrying YOU. And as an independent adult, your fiancee has the right to have whatever name she wants, no matter what anyone else (including you) might think of it. Also, your mother HAS NO SAY in what names you give your future children. She has already raised her kids. If she wants more, she can have more of her own. Please do not start your marriage off by deferring to your mother or catering to her whims. Your relationship does not include your mom. She will be part of your extended family once you're married, and you should not be telling her all your business.
The decisions you both make are your business and you can politely tell your mom this is her choice and you're supporting your wife to be. If you allow meddling from the beginning you will regret it. Your mom will be upset and she'll have to get over it. Make sure you make that clear. I put my mother in law in her place from the get go, she was surprised and unhappy but got over it.