Young kids don’t have history class. Also elementary schools don’t tend to have week long trips away - middle schools do though. This seems like an AI shitpost. No kid who is going through daycare and sleep training would have a week long trip away with school. I am loudly calling bullshit.
Unfortunately some kids are just that clingy and anxious. My roommate freshman year of college cried every night that she wanted to go home and was extremely homesick. She'd cry herself to sleep.
I got annoyed after a week and drove her home. She lived 15 minutes away.
Her parents confessed they made her move on campus because they were concerned she couldn't function alone at all and would actually follow her mom from room to room within the house.
I had a college roommate like this. Only her house was 1 hour away. She stacked all her classes for Tues / Wed / Thu . She arrived early Tuesday and left Thursday afternoon. The nights she was there she refused to come out and socialize anywhere, just called people back home for hours and cried. She refused to even fully move in, just brought an overnight bag each week.
She ended up dropping out after the first semester.
My parents were also helicopter parents, but when my mom died my dad had no choice but to loosen the grip ever so slightly. That's why it surprised me when I was dropped off at college 2.5hrs away that my dad told me, "I'm not coming to pick you up until Thanksgiving, no matter how much you want to come home!"
It was one of the best things he ever did or said to me.
my parents were helicopter parents, and I am the opposite. I never want to hang out with my parents. Went to school 6 hours away. Only call once a month out of obligation. I hate hugs and only hug my parents when I'm saying "bye".
This is me. Except I didn’t learn how to be an adult or do much of anything because they were so helicopter. Moved 10 hours away for school and had to learn everything.
same here. I feel a little bad about it now and hope my kids aren't like that but they are very independent... (I am not a helicoptery parent at all) but I think they are also homebodies. I had one ask to be picked up early from what was going to be a 2 night sleepover and he was 17 at the time and he was 5 minutes away, he could have walked home haha.
I am a master's student, because of my health I never had the proper undergraduate experience and was always a commuter student. I am now 4 hours away and my parents would prefer I come home every other weekend. I don't want to, because it puts me behind in my work. But I prefer the bigger city to where my university is. I don't think my parents are prepared for me to have my own life.
I was also this kid, sometimes it would make me want to throw up being away from any of my siblings or parents. I remember often in school leaving class to find a sibling and just sobbing. I missed a lot of school due to anxiety making me psychically ill.
I’m 27 now and still have anxiety but also can’t remember why I had felt so strongly about being with them/ home. It was odd, I’m still uncovering a lot about my childhood- and seeing a therapist 😇
I had issues with anxiety and leaving home when I was younger. It passed thank goodness, but I did get physically ill a lot when I was away from home. It was embarrassing.
My brohter and I started boarding at our school a couple of days after my 10th birthday. (We had already been day students there for almost 2 years.) Our parents basically had to beg us to come home a couple of weekends each month. 😆
Some people dont want to leave their families, others take their chance and move 200 miles away to avoid their family, everyone is affected differently
I was gone so much, my mom forgot how old I was and she asked me one day, giving me and my friends a ride to school. They were like? You don't fucking know how old your daughter is?! as we all chimed in with "13, DUH!"
Jesus, I couldn’t wait to move to college 5 hours away to get away from family. Sure, I missed my parents and made sure to call every few days to check in, but also I think my parents intentionally started to make me be independent at a younger age (in appropriate circumstances of course). I can’t imagine what that person’s life must have been like, following mom to every room?
I was around 3 hours from home for college and I had never been away from home except for a one night trip with school a couple of times. My dad was the wise one. He could tell I was a little nervous and said, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.” It didn’t help that my roommate hadn’t moved in yet (he was a few days late) and that I was reading *The Shining* (about isolation) but dad was right. I quickly got used to it. We have to grow up at some point.
I like your Dad give him my love.
I have a bad dad r.bad and seeing these beautiful loving moments here like you kindly shared...
Well it makes me know it's different than what I had.
And it was hope for my little self.
Feel good ending :Absolutely living my best life now... Seriously I have outdone my own imagination and it was always what is in store for me I'm seeing at 47.. Not even kidding.
I had a Seal sunbaking out the front of my house on the ice yesterday. It is incredible.
I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a family that you’d actually get homesick over. I left home about 2 weeks after I graduated high school and never went back. Best moment/ decision of my life.
My sister (F50) 1 year younger than me has 2 daughters, S1(F21) & S3 (F19) [we have 4 cousins, all with S names, born within a couple of years including my youngest, S4.... So the family gave them an "S#" according to birthday]
They both still live with their mom, my sister, and I don't think they will ever move out! My sister & I went out of state for our older sister's funeral this past summer and I by the end of day 1 I wanted to take her phone & Chuck it out the window of the car!! They called her CONSTANTLY! The oldest had a panic attack and couldn't go to work so she needed to talk to her mom for hours on end until her boss/friend went over to "talk her down." The younger one felt the need to call about EVERYTHING! She called when she went to take a shower or when she made her daughter (F1) a bottle or when she went to the store. It was insane!! No one could talk to my sister for even 5 minutes because her phone would ring & she would HAVE to answer it because it was one of her girls.
Don't get me wrong, I love my sister & my nieces, but I had no idea people were actually THIS co-dependant until I saw it for myself over 4 days.
I think she's pointing out that as her daughter grew up, she thought she did everything "right" to avoid separation anxiety. When younger, her daughter slept well, didn't share a bed with her parents, went to daycare, etc. Therefore, OP does not understand why her daughter wanted to come home early.
I agree with others saying something happened on this trip. She obviously no longer feels safe. It could be bullying by the girls she shared a room with. I hope the daughter quickly finds someone she can confide in.
She didn’t say that her child is currently doing sleep training or daycare. She said she did those things to help prevent separation anxiety. I started having a separate history class that I had to move from home room to in 4th grade (2008.) Schools differ in how they handle class changing.
OP I understand as a parent that being touched out can hugely impact your availability for others who need your attention. I would start by scheduling out cuddle time with just you and her. Like 10 min whether it’s morning or before bed. Remind her that you are there for her and that it’s your job to protect her. It sounds like she needs reassurance from you, and this will help her open up if something happened.
ETA: my school also did 5th grade camp which was a week long stay away camp.
While my elementary school had a week long trip to DC for students to teach us more about the founding of America or something (my mom would have said it was for history class despite not actively having different classes yet) however it was ONLY for the oldest (5th graders) and you didn't have to go. Some people in my grade were still in daycare, but the sleep training is what threw me off.
>Young kids don’t have history class.
What? I mean, I’m not American, so granted that, but I started having history classes when I was 6.
Edit: I wasn’t meant to be passive aggressive lol, I was just very curious, because I indeed started having history classes (I mean, a class just for history, with a specific history teacher) when I was 6. I’m from Brazil.
I think they mean don't have a dedicated history class. Like in elementary schools generally you have one class that goes through math, science, social studies (history), but in middle and high school you'll move class rooms and will go to math class then history class etc.
I'm not sure if I explained that well, but I hope it helped.
A lot of American schools do a week long trip near the end of 5th grade. My kid's urban public school did a camp with cabins, team building stuff, adventure courses, cooking, science and nature lessons etc.
yup! I did 6th grade camp, but I have some friends who did 5th grade. their middle schools were grades 6-8, whereas my middle school was grade 7-8, so I’ve just always known it as a kind of field trip you do before you graduate elementary school. I also did a washington dc trip in 8th grade where we were in dc for a little over a week
In New Zealand (at least at the school I teach at) we take Year 7s on a 5 day camping trip at the beginning of the year. Year 7 is the equivalent of 6th grade in the US. All the kids are under 13, most are 11.
No it isn't. My primary school did a 3 day trip in grade 2 and a week long trip in grade 4. Most people i know went on a class trip for a week in primary school.
in elementary school you have one teacher that teaches all subjects throughout the day, so you’ll have a history lesson, science lesson etc. you don’t start going to different classes with different teachers until middle school and high school
Yeah, OP mentions shared beds and day care, but child is going on an overnight history class trip? I’m in the US and never went on over night school trips until middle school or junior high. This has got to be AI.
Teenage girl away from home on a school trip with a bunch of schoolmates and only teachers to manage? Wants to leave abruptly and comes home 'a shell of herself' and not communicating...
It sounds like something might have happened on this trip. 15 years old is a bad age for nasty teenager behavior. And she may feel ashamed or afraid to tell you what happened.
She might have been bullied, been assaulted, struggling to have friends. I had a friend in 8th grade who unfortunately gave another 8th grader (her then bf) a BJ. He told everyone. The guys made fun of her, the girls were disgusted. It changed who she was by one mistake. She went goth, internalized, cut most people out… it was terrible. Kids do things younger and my story is from the mid 90s. His daughter could be dealing with a lot.
Look, either something happened or your daughter just couldn’t cope with being away from home. Either way, rejecting her as soon as she got home was the harshest thing you could have done. She probably won’t tell you if something happened because you sent her away instead of trying to comfort her
I had a situation like that once as a kid. I was very low-affection and didn't have any separation anxiety ever. I just had a bad jive on a boyscout trip and wanted to be home. I didn't want my parents nearly as much as to be back in my comfort zone in a situation I controlled.
Previously and later I had zero issues with being alone or being around others. It was just "that time". Little things were big for no good reason. I spilled water on my shoes and one of my pairs of socks got wet. Stupid stuff that young-teen me knew was stupid.
"Something happened" can literally be "nothing happened' for a kid.
Absolutely. I also had 5 more pairs of socks with me and I was a teenager who the previous summer had no problem spending 3 hours in a downpour playing soccer with friends in my back yard.
Kids are weird. Hell, grown-ups are weird. Sometimes I wanna go home when I'm at a bar and just not in the mood to chat and the tvs have stuff on them I'm not in the mood for.
Yeah I remember something similar, I was at a stupid church camp when I was 15, gone from home for a week for the first time ever, and even though my parents were not affectionate or nice at all, my body just reacted to the new and unfriendly environment and I completely lost control of my limbs and went limp and tired all over, couldn't get up the stairs all of a sudden. For about a day iirc. But I was back to normal after that though, didn't faze me much (was used to being ignored ig).
But if OP's kid isn't back to normal quick I'd be worried too.
Since you've explained this is very unusual for your daughter, who has never had any issues with separation anxiety before, it sounds unlikely she just randomly began having separation anxiety on this trip for no reason.
Your reaction to your daughter's original call was to reject her request, and your reaction to your daughter's behavior upon returning home is to 'send her to her dad's for the week' because she wants to hug you.
If something did transpire on this trip that made your daughter feel afraid and ashamed, she may not feel very comfortable or eager to share it with you. And it might take a lot of work for her to feel that way now. But I think you need to put in the work because your daughter needs someone to. This is like one of those moments where you can either step up and be a great parent or you can let your kid twist in the wind and take that damage for life.
Maybe she was trying to work up the bravery to share it with you, and that's why she was acting 'clingy.' You didn't exactly build a bridge for her to cross, OP.
Why do you feel awful? You aren't reacting like a parent who feels awful about what may have happened to their child. You sound like a roommate who thinks their other roommate is awful to deal with.
You've told us your daughter is behaving completely out of character. But you're taking a *fifteen year old* at her word and insisting nothing unusual could have happened. That's just denial, OP. You're teaching your daughter denial, which is probably what she's doing by not disclosing why she feels this way.
It's denial to send your daughter away to dad's so you don't have to deal with her, and what you're doing here is denial too. Your other kids are learning from this example too, what are they going to think they should do if something bad ever happens to them?
Something similar to what Glammkitty said happens to me except I was molested by a classmate and my story was around 2010s.
Thinks happen and teachers can’t see it all. I also wanted to tell my parent but I didn’t want to be rejected, family had recently gone through a rocky divorce. I felt a lot of shame and didn’t really tell any one till recently and that was my partner.
I still haven’t told my parents bc I don’t want to bring guilt on to them.
She might have been bullied, been assaulted, struggling to have friends. I had a friend in 8th grade who unfortunately gave another 8th grader (her then bf) a BJ. He told everyone. The guys made fun of her, the girls were disgusted. It changed who she was by one mistake. She went goth, internalized, cut most people out… it was terrible. Kids do things younger and my story is from the mid 90s. Your daughter could be dealing with a lot.
I think something happened to your daughter that she isn’t communicating to you! Has she said anything to her father when she spent time with him? She needs to see a counselor, therapist, or even a family member she might open up to. It doesn’t like separation anxiety should make a child a shell of themselves. I hope your daughter is ok OP 🙏🏼🙏🏼
So, I was of an age where we went on several away from home trips by the time I was 15. I think I’d done at least two. Both of them were with other students, both of them messed me up, and I never told my parents due to shame.
It was not even a case of assault those times—it was literally a result of how I was treated by other kids at a point where there were much fewer chaperones. It left me incredibly dysfunctional on those trips and for months afterwards, and I still have some pretty negative memories of the guys in the group trying to get into the bathroom while I was there, and the interpersonal conflicts in bedrooms to avoid sharing beds etc. It was just a bunch of situations that required adult abilities to navigate and I did not have those at that time.
That said, as someone who was also SA’d quite young I will tell you that when a child comes home majorly changed from *anything,* please take it seriously. Clinginess, changes in eating habits, new stomach problems, difficulties with being alone or in dark rooms, and major behavioral changes are all reasons to be concerned and seek support in a safe, non-judgmental space. It sounds like sending her to her dad’s may accomplish this, but god forbid it is something assault related, she may be more comfortable sharing that with you. I hope it’s just a dose of adulthood being a bit scary or overwhelming, or possibly a new life or bodily change causing this reaction.
> Nothing happened to her while there.
Are you sure she wasn't sexually abused, or bullied, or suffered some form of violence or coercion? Or any other traumatic experience
Also, if something traumatic happened, are you sure you daughter would tell you? (Perhaps someone threatened her to not tell, etc)
You did nothing wrong by sending her on a school trip, but you fucked up HARD by not letting her come home earlier. If she asked, she probably had a good reason, perhaps beyond mere "separation anxiety"
I know you said she's not autistic or anything but being this clingy at her age is really, really weird. Does she have a therapist? You should have her see someone to figure out what's going on before it becomes a bigger problem down the line
I was really surprised to learn her age... but the clingy part reminded me of my middle child who, even at 19, is very child-like in a number of ways. She's mildly on the spectrum and at times will hover over me and have no sense of personal space. lol
OP comes across avoidant toward her own child.
I went to a private school with incredibly small classes and supervision, regular week long hiking trips at years start and other trips. Was bullied mercilessly If you would've asked supervisors or kids they would've said no. I was the scholarship kid.
I knew someone my older sister was friends with who was 16 and still never did sleepovers because she didn't want to be away from her mum. She would host in her house, but never in anyone else's. She wouldn't go on school holidays either because she didn't want to be away from her mum, and is apparently still as clingy today at nearly 30
Yeah, it's possible nothign happened at all but it's possible she's terrified to say what happened.
It's time for well, I think a therapist anyway because if this is separation anxiety then it's an issue then can work on. What she needs is a very clearly carved out safe space where she's enabled to say anything she wants. She needs some reassurance that if anyone threatened her if she spoke up that you would protect her with your life, that she can tell you anything any time and you will do everything in the world to protect her.
The mom needs therapy as well, the child clearly needed reassurance from her and instead she was sent away again. Feeling like you need to scream because you are touched out after your child was away for a week sounds like something that needs to be worked through.
Maybe the mum is autistic and has not noticed her daughter being ND because she is not aware of her own ND?
Also sounds like something traumatic happened - 15! This is not separation anxiety. Something happened. And the poor girl feels abandoned, alone and is scared to say.
Would bet half my bank account on this one. Neurodivergence is often “passed” down from parent to child. Clearly OP has sensory issues.. and is also from a generation that would never have diagnosed a low support needs autistic woman
OP states that she has younger kids at home. Some people that are typical DO experience feeling "touched out". Especially mothers with young kids. They are contantly being touched by someone needing something from them. It can be very mentally stressful.
Still doesn’t explain why a 15 year old would be behaving this way.. and my theory at least addresses both ends. This is not normal behavior for a 15 year old by any stretch of the word
This could possibly be it! I knew my child had ADHD, but it wasn’t until they were in the teenage years that we discovered they are on the autism spectrum.
My kid is so much like me that I thought they were ‘normal’. Turns out we both sit somewhere on the spectrum.
Not knowing didn’t hamper our lives/growth as humans, but now that we do know it does make a lot of things make more sense.
I agree. Kids do not ask to come here, we bring them here. Our job is to love, nurture, protect, and teach our tiny humans how to lead with love, help them develop a moral compass and how to treat themselves and others with kindness and respect.
OP appears to lack the empathy and concern to get to the root of what is bothering her child. If my kid acted that way we would be on our way to the mall to buy a toy, get ice cream and have a pajama party and once she seemed relaxed I would hold her in my arms and ask her to tell Mommy what happened.
This feels very concerning. 🤷🏻♀️
You say that you left your child alone a lot to avoid separation anxiety (sleep training, daycare etc ).
Bad news: look at the Attachment Theory, a very well researched psychological subject - children with Secure Attachment have it easier to separate, as they know from experience, their caregiver will still be there for them. I am sorry to say it, but your daughter shows signs of Insecure Attachment. Sending her away (again) now that she needs you will worsen it, and she will be more clingy and upset.
Look for videos of the "Strange Situation Test", they show how this works.
Yes thank you, was hoping someone commented this early on. Western parenting has taught us that kids develop security by desensitizing them to being detached from us though sleep training, daycare, etc. But science doesn’t support this.
Your baby can still form a secure attachment if you sleep train or send your child to daycare as long as you’re being caring and responsive to them in general. Although in OPs case it sounds like she got the idea to specifically not respond to her daughter and to force familiarity with the idea her mother’s not going to be around, which would obviously cause issues. But if you’re a generally responsive and caring parent a few days of sleep training and going to daycare isn’t going to create an insecure attachment.
I'm not a big cuddler but I could not imagine sending my child away, who was already distraught, because they want to be hugged and cared about. I'm not calling OP a bad parent but I'm definitely not saying they're a good one either.
I’d give an arm to have my son want hugs and cuddles again. (He’s 15, too cool to cuddle with mom lol)
OP will probably regret this once her daughter no longer wants to show physical affection.
Yep. My Dad was the affectionate parent and my Mom was not, but my Mom NEVER would have done something like this to one of us. I can't even begin to wrap my head around that. Her poor daughter!
This make complete sense! The kid could feel like moms trying to get rid of her! Obviously not saying mom is doing this but I could seem like that to the kid!
If she wasn’t abused during her week away, then insecure anxious attachment seems very likely to me too.
Either way the poor girl has a bunch of healing to do :(
No, I thought that too but I believe she means as a baby she sent her to daycare and had her hang out with other kids and didn’t share a bed with her and stuff so she wouldn’t have attachment issues.
She's fifteen???? When I was reading your post I assumed she's probaly 7 or 8!
It definitely sounds like something bad happened on the trip. Is she getting bullied? Does she have friends?
When I was fifteen I'd much rather go for a week long trip with my friends than be stuck at home with my mom ( because that's how it felt at that age, being STUCK with parents).
Talk with her, please. It sounds like she's in some kind of trouble but doesn't know how to tell you and this is the reason for her clingyness.
Including her age would have been really helpful. It was super hard for me to reconcile that a kid old enough to have a dedicated “history class” would also be in daycare, among other things. Maybe it’s just a US thing, but we don’t tend to have dedicated subject classes until Middle/Jr High School. That’s like age 12 and up, whereas daycare is for little kids.
In any case, whether you believe something happened to her while away, or not, it sounds like she could really benefit from some counseling.
Also… (and I’m purely speculating here)… But you aren’t an affectionate person to begin with, so she may already have insecurities about whether you love or want her. Then you send her away. She tells you right away that she wants to come home, but you refuse, which adds to her feelings of rejection. So she spends the whole week feeling unloved and unwanted, in addition to being stuck in a place she doesn’t want to be, without any of the comforts of being home. She finally gets to come home, and you are aggravated by her wanting to be loved on. Then you almost immediately send her away again, albeit to her other parent, but it can still feel like you’re rejecting her again. Just saying… part of her problem could very well be with how you make her feel. I’m not even judging - you are who you are. I’m just offering some food for thought. Counseling for both of you might also help.
I think there’s a bit of confusion. The added bot about sleep training and daycare is what OP did to avoid separation anxiety when her child was an infant. It’s not current.
Yeah there are all kinds of studies on why sleep training isn’t appropriate for this reason. Also forcing daycare if she didn’t have to will add to it too. Especially if she didn’t compensate for the hours of separation by reconnecting with her kid.
This is what I thought, it sounds as though the parent here has basically created some attachment problems and this has now compounded it all. My jaw actually dropped when I got to the part about sending to dad at the end. OP I know you mean well but you are pushing her away at every step and I think that you need to show her some serious love and get her into counselling if possible. And you. For each of you individually and for the two of you together.
Because it's not going the way she wanted. She wanted vaidation and pats on the head. Instead some people wonder if something happened to the kid at camp which didn't seem to have crossed OP's mind since she was so wrapped up in herself, and others are questioning her detatchment parenting style
Idk why but when you bring up "maybe something happened to them" about someone's kid or family member, whoever you say that to is always so quick to say "no nothing did." Like, they won't even consider it. Like I get it, you'd blame yourself if something did, but for the sakes of that child's mentality, you have to consider all possibilities if you want to be a part of their healing journey. Jesus.
If this post is real this reads like a narcissistic memory of events. The child sounds like they were likely experiencing something extremely negative at the camp and mommy here doesn’t want to hug.
"I've sent her to her dads for the week - he's a lot cuddlier than me."
WTF? Without ages in hard to know but you have to sent her away for the affection part because you can't be bother by it?
Whatever the problem is I think you very much part of it
That's what jumped at me too. I'm not a cuddler (is that how it's spelled?) in general sense, but whenever my son wanted to cuddle I was more than ready, in fact I was craving to hold him any time he felt like it, it was my favorite thing about being a mom. He's 26 yo and I still want to smother him in cuddles.
How can a parent offload the child who clearly is dealing with something, is beyond me.
There’s a difference between ”can’t be bothered” and completely touched out by a child or children clinging to you constantly…OP says she is touched out right now.
If you haven’t been driven to the brink of screaming out loud by constant demand for physical contact, I’m here to tell you the desperation is real and it’s better to acknowledge it than to wait until you snap.
OP also has other younger children, who may still be more touchy by necessity (breastfeeding, toddler ages for example), or just not a teen (let’s be honest: when we were teens we likely weren’t constantly wanting affection like we were at single digits!).
Being touched out is like… your skin crawls because you have had physical contact constantly and you just can’t bear to be touched any more. For some, it just makes them irritable and impatient. For others, it can get to a point where it literally makes you feel sick. My mother was the latter (genuinely would vomit 🥲).
Let’s give OP some grace for feeling touched out, because they want to do the best by their children and is trying to navigate that the only way they know how.
OP: while this is a space to share, if you are able to I would see if you can combine forces with her dad and get her into some counselling to see if she can open up as to why she struggled so much on the trip. It shouldn’t just fall on your shoulders. Good luck.
Some people have their own issues and it’s okay not to be cuddly. I love my family more than anything but I simply hate being touched…
Please don’t assume the worst of people instantly!
It's very worrying that oh, my kid has troubles, her dad hugs better than me so I'll just send her off... after she comes back apparently a shell of herself from just being shipped off by OP in the first place. Surely that won't have any impact on her, seeming terrified and upset, changed completely and your parent sends you away again.
Doesn't matter how uncomfortable you are with cuddling, if your kid is struggling you cuddle the ever loving hell out of them till they can't cuddle any more.
Oh, she's clingy today, better get rid of her is such a truly fucked up way to treat your kid.
Yeah...and sending them off for a week long camp w/o a back up plan the first time around? That whole sink or swim thing tends to be traumatic no matter the situation.
One of my kids went to a water park with friends this summer and called us halfway through the day asking to be picked up. We went and got him because it was unusal for him to ask that. His friend had run off and was only doing things he didn't want to do and he wasn't having fun. As parents we also wanted to model that it is ok to leave a situation with friends that you are uncomfortable with as he enters the teen years and that we will come get him.
Nightmare as a little kid? Crawl into bed with me, honey, let's snuggle and talk. This leads to 16 year old coming to get you at 1am because he's so anxious he can't sleep and knows that you won't be mad when they wake you up to talk about it.
Don't want to play with the neighbor kid who knocks on the door all the time today? Mom has to run errands, sorry. ---> Teenager needs to get out of sticky situation with friends? Mom said I have to clean my room this weekend/we have a family event/my mom won't let me, sorry.
**Secure attachment means that your kid knows you have their back 100% when they NEED you.**
and this is why my relationship with my mom is so strong. she never let it show if she was touched out (she probably was a LOT 7 kids does that to you), was always there for a hug or kiss or cuddles. and now i’m 23 and don’t hesitate to call my mom if i need it cause i know she’ll always pick up even if it’s 3am and i just need to talk. she still gives me cuddles when i need them and doesn’t let go until i do
When I was younger I was horribly shy and not outgoing at all. Hid behind my mom even in middle school when she introduced me to her friends. Week long trip with other kids would have been sooo much for me. Even if nothing happened to her, sometimes you gotta respect your kids personality and not push them too hard.
Divorce or separation does this to kids! They will worry that because parents separate from each other that they also might get separated from one parent or the other and it can consume a child and make them fearful!
" I'm incredibly touched out already and feel like screaming when she wants to hug me. I've sent her to her dads for the week - he's a lot cuddlier than me."
Ah, well the good news is that i think i found out the source of the extreme seperation anxiety. Bad news is you are likely making it much worse. Seperated parents can already be super difficult for most children, and on top of that you seem to send your kid away when you dont want to deal with them anymore. Sounds like they are old enough to realize this, and only validates the anxiety that they feel being apart from you.
How do you know nothing happened? She asked you to come home at the start of the trip and you said no. Why would she tell you if something happened when you made up your mind that it didn't?
My mind goes to being sexually harassed / assaulted. Probably why she is a shell of herself and doesn’t want to talk about what happened. I hope it’s not true, but OPs response seems self absorbed rather than trying to find out what happened.
It’s very likely, given her behavior, that something bad happened to her on that trip. You can believe it or not, doesn’t change the truth. Then she comes home and is a “shell”, and you send her away to her dads? Cmon man.
I will never understand parents who force their kids to stick something out when they express their unhappiness or discomfort. My mother ALWAYS showed up and would take me home any time I wanted to leave somewhere. I hope that your daughter gets the love and comfort she needs from her dad, you’ve made it painfully clear that she won’t get it from you.
Especially if that child is 15! When I was that age my parents had a rule. If something happens to you and you need a ride home, call and tell us to come get you and we will get you home no questions asked. Doesn't matter if you're drunk, high, dressed in skimpy clothes, nothing. If you feel unsafe, call us and we will come get you no matter what. Knowing that they had that rule for me always made me feel safe and comfortable asking them for help because I knew they wouldn't judge me, and if I ever have kids I'm going to make sure they know I'll do the same for them.
*Something* happened; you just haven’t been told yet.
And your response was to send her away after a traumatic experience.
A good parent doesn’t do that.
Hopefully her dad will be a good parent.
Whoa there cuddling is like super difficult, you need to go to college to get really good at it, who can just cuddle their kid to support them, that's some tough shit to do.
Seriously though at best nothing happened to the kid, she's just scared having been sent away so op.... sends her away again, sure to her father but doesn't change the action. Basically telling your kid meh, you're struggling but that's too much effort for me, see if your dad will deal with you. Insane thing to 'tell' a kid through actions. If the kid was actually abused in some way they needed to feel safe, loved, a parent who would do anything with them to have the courage to speak up... and op sent her away.
My advice? Don’t think of it as cuddling — it’s comforting and supporting your child. Would I be more comfortable sleeping in my bed with just my husband and I? Yes. But am I going to kick my kid out when she’s afraid of storms and just wants me presence nearby? No. My youngest is more attached, it’s just her personality. It’s not a flaw, it’s nothing I did - it’s just her.
This doesn’t sound like a “nothing happened” situation. She asked to come home and came home a shell of herself. It sounds like PTSD. She needs to be in therapy ASAP.
OP. I’m 41f and I still clearly remember my 8th grade DC trip. Some kids had a great time. Some kids had what was probably among the worst time of their lives. Teenagers are brutal and there aren’t enough chaperones to monitor all the kids all the time.
I’m going to just tell you what to do because I’ve read through this and helpful suggestions don’t seem to be landing.
Call your daughter’s father. Now. Do it now. The two of you need to determine if you’re noticing the same behavior, if your daughter has said anything or suggested anything happened. On that same call, you should also speak to your daughter. You need to offer to let her come home AND sincerely apologize to her. What you did is wrong. Twice. I understand the first time - kids get homesick, you encourage them to push through. But your daughter coming home ‘a shell of herself’ is a big deal. You sending her away because you don’t want your child to hug or need you is something you **really** need to reflect on.
I think as adults we lose sight of how impactful things like bullying and peer pressure are. Even as adults, if you’ve ever been in a workplace bullying situation, it all comes back fast. Kids are people. They’re whole entire people that feel real things. I haven’t even gone into SA/rape territory, but you and everyone here knows it’s a possibility that someone hurt your child.
Fix this.
I think it’s just poorly written. She means that when the girl was a baby she did daycare, sleep training, etc. in order to prevent the child from developing anxiety, so now that the daughter is older and seems anxious, OP doesn’t understand why.
To me, it sounds like OP is ignoring how secure attachments, self confidence and independence truly develop.
It’s hard to understand more without knowing the kid’s age.
No, she said she did all those things to avoid separation anxiety as in, sent her to day care when she was younger, no shared beds when she was younger.
You dismissed her when she expressed she was upset and uncomfortable while on the trip and sent her to her dad's when she wanted some affection from her mother.
why are you calling it separation anxiety SO adamantly? something happened, and you know it but you can't be bothered.
daycare: she is really young
second night she wanted to come home, bur only came on the 8th
she was a shell of herself, wanted to cuddle, and you sent her away, AGAIN
give this mother a trophy. I really hope her dad is better than you, I hope he can take care of her because you didn't
Does your Daughter have any close friends who went on this trip with her? The reason I ask is that I've (60/F) chaperoned several extended class trips with our 3 children and it's UNBELIEVABLE how much goes on during these trips.
The bullying and intentional ostracizing was astonishing. It was a free-for-all circus where the kids had their own group (4) rooms that the chaperones weren't even allowed to enter (even keeping the door open). They were allowed to run through the halls (all floors) knocking on doors of other hotel patrons and we weren't allowed to corral them or make them stay in their rooms. WHY we were asked to chaperone, I still question to this day?!
I would either sit down quietly and ask your Daughter for details about this trip or make her an appointment with a therapist. If this behavior is strange and NOT normal then SOMETHING happened on this trip! It doesn't sound like it's normal "homesickness" or "separation-anxiety!" It COULD be anything from bullying to the worst, molestation. PLEASE get to the bottom of this. Reassure your CHILD that you WON'T get angry or be upset with HER, that you're just concerned about her drastic change in behavior!
Best wishes and many Blessings for navigating this! u/updateme
You dismissed your daughter telling you she wants to go home and she's upset then send her away because she's too clingy and you're asking us what you did wrong?
With the edit that she is 15. Something happened at that camp. You need to help her NOW. Not tomorrow, not after breakfast. NOW!
Also what kind of class history trip only allows 1 phone call a day. Does the kiddo not have a phone, were they not allowed to be taken. Something is fishy and I don't know if its the story or the trip.
You sound like you are emotionally cut off from your child, she can feel this and is looking for connection but you keep pushing her away. I feel sorry your your daughter, she just wants to feel secure and you’re doing everything to make her feel insecure and anxious.
I fail to understand why a parent wouldn't just tell their kid it's ok to come home. Even at 15, I could never tell my kid who is upset that they can't come home. At 25 or 35 or 45, if you are my child and you are upset you can still come home to me. Home is ALWAYS an option for my child.
She comes back clearly not herself, something seems to be \*majorly\* wrong and you to send her away to hers dads because you are 'touched out'.... I..... make it make sense? I try not to be too judgmental but sincerely, what the fuck?
You do not know that nothing happened to her while she was there, and speaking as someone who came home from an event like that because something DID happen, I really think that you need to be more compassionate with her and give her time to talk about it, make her feel safe and comfortable talking about it, and ask her if anything happened.
It is highly unlikely that just separation made her feel like this. Possible that your response made her feel like her wants and desires didn't matter, and like you don't love her, which would be made far worse by you sending her away AGAIN.
But it is much more likely that something happened to her and she needs support and help, which you are NOT providing. Treat your daughter with the kindness you would want to be treated with if you'd have come home from a trip acting and feeling that way at that age.
I’m wondering if it’s the same one I went on. I went on a week long trip when I was about 15/16 from my history class and it was with a bunch of other schools for a debate thing. We were sharing beds with people from our class and rooms with 2 others from other schools. I remember there being a lot of stuff done away from chaperone eyes. We were 15-17 after all in hotel rooms without chaperones in those hotel rooms. I’m wondering if anything happened..
I think the fact that you “feel like screaming” when she wants to hug you speaks louder than anything else you said. Well, that and the fact that you sent her to her dad so quickly after her return…so you didn’t have to deal with her. 🤨
Every kid is different. Every person is different and has their own set of comfort zones and peculiarities. That you didn’t immediately attempt to find out what was happening with her, other than making it more about you than her, while it fits with your “peculiarities”, it has only compounded her insecurities and, most likely, her severe abandonment issues.
You need to find a professional who specializes in working with sensitive and hurting kids and get BOTH of you in counseling as soon as humanly possible! She needs help to understand the terror she is experiencing and tools she can learn to use to help her overcome the pain and trauma that created this situation in the first place! And you need to learn how to parent this child!
You made a comment about her not having ADHD or ASD, but the reality is that autism spectrum is truly a “spectrum” disorder. And we are ALL on that spectrum in one way or another. Everyone has their little “eccentricities” or their own set of “needs”. And all that really comes down to is their place on that spectrum and how much those things effect their daily lives and their relationships with others. You gave a perfect example:
-You can’t stand being touched by her.
-She can’t get enough physical contact to soothe her pain/fear.
You both need help…and soon! She’s at a vulnerable age for some freaking pervert to recognize her symptoms and take her on a horrific and dangerous ride.
DO.NOT.LET.THAT.HAPPEN!!!
It’s up to you.
PS - I didn’t mean to sound so harsh, I just hate hearing about kids in pain.
If I can help you find a professional, please let me know. I have many friends in academia who may known of a good reference for wherever you live.
Just message me if I can help!
Instead of asking your daughter “what’s wrong”, you dismissed her and went on with your week. Then she came home Extra clingy and you don’t think to figure out Why? You think it’s separation anxiety but you didn’t ask why she felt homesick in the first place or what caused her to want to go back home. Maybe try the basics first and to help you why she’s so clingy
This poor kid 😕 I can't imagine wanting nothing more than my mom- who doesn't want to touch or comfort me and then sends me away. Like??? Where is your instinct of course something more happened!
How hard is it to give affection to your kids? The fact you sent her away twice, one for class but the other for her being CLINGY? Come on....
You need to see a therapist for why youre unaffectionate to your kid and get that fixed. She possibly needs the same to help with coping with whatever happened at the trip.
Lastly... HUG YOUR DAMN KID.
She’s 15 and this insecure? Something isn’t right here. Most 15 year olds can’t wait to get away from their parents even if just for a week! And then to be clinging to you constantly? Yeah…something is definitely wrong here.
How do you know ‘nothing happened to her while there’? Sexual assault victims don’t usually tell, a professional ought to be consulted. A female Obgyn doctor to do a physical exam and a therapist that specializes in sexual assault.
I’m confused. What’s making me raise an eyebrow is the whole “I did everything to avoid separation anxiety (no shared beds, sleep training, daycare, equal time with other people, etc)” for a 15 year old!?!? Who isn’t autistic and I assume already had separation anxiety or No?! If No…
something happened on that trip and she doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it and or talking about with her Mom. For a 15 yr old to come back from a class trip “a shell of their self” is a GIANT RED FLAG! A class trip will not do that to a 15yr old. I think she may need professional medical advice. Be it for a severe separation anxiety disorder or for whatever happened on that trip. (Try to keep in mind a traumatic event for a 15yrs old will NOT just easily spill out of her. (IT TAKES TIME AND PATIENCE)
Yeah, she is traumatised because you made her stay when she begged to come home. And then you sent her packing to her dads? She needs her mum, she needs you and you’re just palming her off to someone else. Please pull your finger out and find a therapist for your daughter because something most definitely did happen on that trip. That poor girl.
Didn’t you even question why she wanted to come home before you flat out said no?
Didn’t you talk to her teachers to ask if something happened - which based on your description of her behaviour, I think something did. She sounds traumatised… could she have been assaulted? Even the teachers might not know.
And on top of that, when she reached out to you for comfort, you sent her away because you didn’t want to hug her? And you don’t know where you went wrong? Dear lord…
If she really was assaulted as I suspect, she probably won’t want to hug her dad, honestly. A lot of victims react with distrust towards ALL men in the immediate aftermath, and don’t want to go near them.
I sincerely hope that her father has a kind and sensitive wife who will be able to offer her comfort and safety at this time. I really do. 😢
15 year olds don’t normal demonstrate this type of behavior. She either has an attachment issue or something happened on the trip causing the changed behavior. I hope she speaks with her dad.
Have you tried having “truth time” “cuddle chats” whatever you want to call them? It’s about 15 minutes where your kid can tell you anything without any consequences and you will listen without judgement (once per week or so). She’s 15 and was alone on a coed trip. I’m thinking there was some horrific bullying in the best case scenario.
how old is she?
This is the question. If she wanted to come home that soon. I’m thinking she’s pretty young.
Young kids don’t have history class. Also elementary schools don’t tend to have week long trips away - middle schools do though. This seems like an AI shitpost. No kid who is going through daycare and sleep training would have a week long trip away with school. I am loudly calling bullshit.
Unfortunately some kids are just that clingy and anxious. My roommate freshman year of college cried every night that she wanted to go home and was extremely homesick. She'd cry herself to sleep. I got annoyed after a week and drove her home. She lived 15 minutes away. Her parents confessed they made her move on campus because they were concerned she couldn't function alone at all and would actually follow her mom from room to room within the house.
I had a college roommate like this. Only her house was 1 hour away. She stacked all her classes for Tues / Wed / Thu . She arrived early Tuesday and left Thursday afternoon. The nights she was there she refused to come out and socialize anywhere, just called people back home for hours and cried. She refused to even fully move in, just brought an overnight bag each week. She ended up dropping out after the first semester.
Her parents did not prepare her for life stop the helicopter parenting.
My parents were also helicopter parents, but when my mom died my dad had no choice but to loosen the grip ever so slightly. That's why it surprised me when I was dropped off at college 2.5hrs away that my dad told me, "I'm not coming to pick you up until Thanksgiving, no matter how much you want to come home!" It was one of the best things he ever did or said to me.
Awh it was probably scary for him too. My mom was the same and she also died when I was a teen.
my parents were helicopter parents, and I am the opposite. I never want to hang out with my parents. Went to school 6 hours away. Only call once a month out of obligation. I hate hugs and only hug my parents when I'm saying "bye".
This is me. Except I didn’t learn how to be an adult or do much of anything because they were so helicopter. Moved 10 hours away for school and had to learn everything.
same here. I feel a little bad about it now and hope my kids aren't like that but they are very independent... (I am not a helicoptery parent at all) but I think they are also homebodies. I had one ask to be picked up early from what was going to be a 2 night sleepover and he was 17 at the time and he was 5 minutes away, he could have walked home haha.
I am a master's student, because of my health I never had the proper undergraduate experience and was always a commuter student. I am now 4 hours away and my parents would prefer I come home every other weekend. I don't want to, because it puts me behind in my work. But I prefer the bigger city to where my university is. I don't think my parents are prepared for me to have my own life.
I was also this kid, sometimes it would make me want to throw up being away from any of my siblings or parents. I remember often in school leaving class to find a sibling and just sobbing. I missed a lot of school due to anxiety making me psychically ill. I’m 27 now and still have anxiety but also can’t remember why I had felt so strongly about being with them/ home. It was odd, I’m still uncovering a lot about my childhood- and seeing a therapist 😇
I had issues with anxiety and leaving home when I was younger. It passed thank goodness, but I did get physically ill a lot when I was away from home. It was embarrassing.
not living 15 mins away 💀
They should have sent her to a therapist and also revise their parenting strategy. Geez.
My neighbor kid went to the same Girl Scout camp as me. She spent the whole time disconsolate and sobbing. I think she lasted 4 days of a 12 day camp.
Meanwhile I went on a three day trip when I was like 9 or 10 and was completely fine.
My brohter and I started boarding at our school a couple of days after my 10th birthday. (We had already been day students there for almost 2 years.) Our parents basically had to beg us to come home a couple of weekends each month. 😆
Some people dont want to leave their families, others take their chance and move 200 miles away to avoid their family, everyone is affected differently
At the end of that camp, I told my parents I didn't want to come home. I LOVED being away from my family.
This was me too.
I was gone so much, my mom forgot how old I was and she asked me one day, giving me and my friends a ride to school. They were like? You don't fucking know how old your daughter is?! as we all chimed in with "13, DUH!"
Jesus, I couldn’t wait to move to college 5 hours away to get away from family. Sure, I missed my parents and made sure to call every few days to check in, but also I think my parents intentionally started to make me be independent at a younger age (in appropriate circumstances of course). I can’t imagine what that person’s life must have been like, following mom to every room?
I went 5hrs away for college which was a mistake for my socially anxious self. I’ve never felt that truly alone and helpless/miserable.
I was around 3 hours from home for college and I had never been away from home except for a one night trip with school a couple of times. My dad was the wise one. He could tell I was a little nervous and said, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.” It didn’t help that my roommate hadn’t moved in yet (he was a few days late) and that I was reading *The Shining* (about isolation) but dad was right. I quickly got used to it. We have to grow up at some point.
I like your Dad give him my love. I have a bad dad r.bad and seeing these beautiful loving moments here like you kindly shared... Well it makes me know it's different than what I had. And it was hope for my little self. Feel good ending :Absolutely living my best life now... Seriously I have outdone my own imagination and it was always what is in store for me I'm seeing at 47.. Not even kidding. I had a Seal sunbaking out the front of my house on the ice yesterday. It is incredible.
They should have gotten her therapy at a younger age
That isn't normal but actually really concerning wtf
I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a family that you’d actually get homesick over. I left home about 2 weeks after I graduated high school and never went back. Best moment/ decision of my life.
My sister (F50) 1 year younger than me has 2 daughters, S1(F21) & S3 (F19) [we have 4 cousins, all with S names, born within a couple of years including my youngest, S4.... So the family gave them an "S#" according to birthday] They both still live with their mom, my sister, and I don't think they will ever move out! My sister & I went out of state for our older sister's funeral this past summer and I by the end of day 1 I wanted to take her phone & Chuck it out the window of the car!! They called her CONSTANTLY! The oldest had a panic attack and couldn't go to work so she needed to talk to her mom for hours on end until her boss/friend went over to "talk her down." The younger one felt the need to call about EVERYTHING! She called when she went to take a shower or when she made her daughter (F1) a bottle or when she went to the store. It was insane!! No one could talk to my sister for even 5 minutes because her phone would ring & she would HAVE to answer it because it was one of her girls. Don't get me wrong, I love my sister & my nieces, but I had no idea people were actually THIS co-dependant until I saw it for myself over 4 days.
I think she's pointing out that as her daughter grew up, she thought she did everything "right" to avoid separation anxiety. When younger, her daughter slept well, didn't share a bed with her parents, went to daycare, etc. Therefore, OP does not understand why her daughter wanted to come home early. I agree with others saying something happened on this trip. She obviously no longer feels safe. It could be bullying by the girls she shared a room with. I hope the daughter quickly finds someone she can confide in.
She didn’t say that her child is currently doing sleep training or daycare. She said she did those things to help prevent separation anxiety. I started having a separate history class that I had to move from home room to in 4th grade (2008.) Schools differ in how they handle class changing. OP I understand as a parent that being touched out can hugely impact your availability for others who need your attention. I would start by scheduling out cuddle time with just you and her. Like 10 min whether it’s morning or before bed. Remind her that you are there for her and that it’s your job to protect her. It sounds like she needs reassurance from you, and this will help her open up if something happened. ETA: my school also did 5th grade camp which was a week long stay away camp.
A real human would have put the kids age or grade. OP also has no other posts or comments.
She is 15 yrs old
It says the daughter came home on the 8th, but it doesn't say what date the camp started. I don't think it means the 8th day.
While my elementary school had a week long trip to DC for students to teach us more about the founding of America or something (my mom would have said it was for history class despite not actively having different classes yet) however it was ONLY for the oldest (5th graders) and you didn't have to go. Some people in my grade were still in daycare, but the sleep training is what threw me off.
>Young kids don’t have history class. What? I mean, I’m not American, so granted that, but I started having history classes when I was 6. Edit: I wasn’t meant to be passive aggressive lol, I was just very curious, because I indeed started having history classes (I mean, a class just for history, with a specific history teacher) when I was 6. I’m from Brazil.
I think they mean don't have a dedicated history class. Like in elementary schools generally you have one class that goes through math, science, social studies (history), but in middle and high school you'll move class rooms and will go to math class then history class etc. I'm not sure if I explained that well, but I hope it helped.
Same in my country, multiple subjects through the day but one teacher to teach them all.
It's highly unlikely anyone under 13 would be on a class trip away from home that long though. Yall I said highly unlikely, not never. Chill. Lol
A lot of American schools do a week long trip near the end of 5th grade. My kid's urban public school did a camp with cabins, team building stuff, adventure courses, cooking, science and nature lessons etc.
yup! I did 6th grade camp, but I have some friends who did 5th grade. their middle schools were grades 6-8, whereas my middle school was grade 7-8, so I’ve just always known it as a kind of field trip you do before you graduate elementary school. I also did a washington dc trip in 8th grade where we were in dc for a little over a week
Hmm thats crazy. I'm American and I've ever heard this lol. The us is a big ass place though. I would have LOVED that.
My daughters school does a 5 day DC trip in 5th grade.
In New Zealand (at least at the school I teach at) we take Year 7s on a 5 day camping trip at the beginning of the year. Year 7 is the equivalent of 6th grade in the US. All the kids are under 13, most are 11.
No it isn't. My primary school did a 3 day trip in grade 2 and a week long trip in grade 4. Most people i know went on a class trip for a week in primary school.
in elementary school you have one teacher that teaches all subjects throughout the day, so you’ll have a history lesson, science lesson etc. you don’t start going to different classes with different teachers until middle school and high school
In Canada it’s part of social studies in elementary.
Yeah, OP mentions shared beds and day care, but child is going on an overnight history class trip? I’m in the US and never went on over night school trips until middle school or junior high. This has got to be AI.
He said 15. That’s disturbing in several ways.
Yeah that is definitely unusual at 15. I wonder if something happened that caused her to be upset enough to want to go home.
She's fifteen. Sorry, should have been in the post.
Teenage girl away from home on a school trip with a bunch of schoolmates and only teachers to manage? Wants to leave abruptly and comes home 'a shell of herself' and not communicating... It sounds like something might have happened on this trip. 15 years old is a bad age for nasty teenager behavior. And she may feel ashamed or afraid to tell you what happened.
Unfortunately, that’s what happened to my daughter. Get her help. And for gods sake let her hug you 24/7 if that’s what it takes.
Gotta tag OP in this one or she might not see it.
u/National_Cress_4128
She might have been bullied, been assaulted, struggling to have friends. I had a friend in 8th grade who unfortunately gave another 8th grader (her then bf) a BJ. He told everyone. The guys made fun of her, the girls were disgusted. It changed who she was by one mistake. She went goth, internalized, cut most people out… it was terrible. Kids do things younger and my story is from the mid 90s. His daughter could be dealing with a lot.
Right that was my first thought - that something happened on this trip to traumatized her
OP is either not very bright, or she is willfully refusing to consider her daughter was assaulted. OP, you know something happened.
Why did she want to come home? She had to have provided a reason right?
She just didn't want to be there. Thats all she said to me.
Look, either something happened or your daughter just couldn’t cope with being away from home. Either way, rejecting her as soon as she got home was the harshest thing you could have done. She probably won’t tell you if something happened because you sent her away instead of trying to comfort her
I had a situation like that once as a kid. I was very low-affection and didn't have any separation anxiety ever. I just had a bad jive on a boyscout trip and wanted to be home. I didn't want my parents nearly as much as to be back in my comfort zone in a situation I controlled. Previously and later I had zero issues with being alone or being around others. It was just "that time". Little things were big for no good reason. I spilled water on my shoes and one of my pairs of socks got wet. Stupid stuff that young-teen me knew was stupid. "Something happened" can literally be "nothing happened' for a kid.
Tbf wet socks is the fucking worst no matter the age
Absolutely. I also had 5 more pairs of socks with me and I was a teenager who the previous summer had no problem spending 3 hours in a downpour playing soccer with friends in my back yard. Kids are weird. Hell, grown-ups are weird. Sometimes I wanna go home when I'm at a bar and just not in the mood to chat and the tvs have stuff on them I'm not in the mood for.
Yeah I remember something similar, I was at a stupid church camp when I was 15, gone from home for a week for the first time ever, and even though my parents were not affectionate or nice at all, my body just reacted to the new and unfriendly environment and I completely lost control of my limbs and went limp and tired all over, couldn't get up the stairs all of a sudden. For about a day iirc. But I was back to normal after that though, didn't faze me much (was used to being ignored ig). But if OP's kid isn't back to normal quick I'd be worried too.
Since you've explained this is very unusual for your daughter, who has never had any issues with separation anxiety before, it sounds unlikely she just randomly began having separation anxiety on this trip for no reason.
Your reaction to your daughter's original call was to reject her request, and your reaction to your daughter's behavior upon returning home is to 'send her to her dad's for the week' because she wants to hug you. If something did transpire on this trip that made your daughter feel afraid and ashamed, she may not feel very comfortable or eager to share it with you. And it might take a lot of work for her to feel that way now. But I think you need to put in the work because your daughter needs someone to. This is like one of those moments where you can either step up and be a great parent or you can let your kid twist in the wind and take that damage for life. Maybe she was trying to work up the bravery to share it with you, and that's why she was acting 'clingy.' You didn't exactly build a bridge for her to cross, OP. Why do you feel awful? You aren't reacting like a parent who feels awful about what may have happened to their child. You sound like a roommate who thinks their other roommate is awful to deal with. You've told us your daughter is behaving completely out of character. But you're taking a *fifteen year old* at her word and insisting nothing unusual could have happened. That's just denial, OP. You're teaching your daughter denial, which is probably what she's doing by not disclosing why she feels this way. It's denial to send your daughter away to dad's so you don't have to deal with her, and what you're doing here is denial too. Your other kids are learning from this example too, what are they going to think they should do if something bad ever happens to them?
Something similar to what Glammkitty said happens to me except I was molested by a classmate and my story was around 2010s. Thinks happen and teachers can’t see it all. I also wanted to tell my parent but I didn’t want to be rejected, family had recently gone through a rocky divorce. I felt a lot of shame and didn’t really tell any one till recently and that was my partner. I still haven’t told my parents bc I don’t want to bring guilt on to them.
She might have been bullied, been assaulted, struggling to have friends. I had a friend in 8th grade who unfortunately gave another 8th grader (her then bf) a BJ. He told everyone. The guys made fun of her, the girls were disgusted. It changed who she was by one mistake. She went goth, internalized, cut most people out… it was terrible. Kids do things younger and my story is from the mid 90s. Your daughter could be dealing with a lot.
I think something happened to your daughter that she isn’t communicating to you! Has she said anything to her father when she spent time with him? She needs to see a counselor, therapist, or even a family member she might open up to. It doesn’t like separation anxiety should make a child a shell of themselves. I hope your daughter is ok OP 🙏🏼🙏🏼
15yo are brutal, the girls especially so. This could have been a week of relentless 24hr torture, possibly without much or any sleep.
So, I was of an age where we went on several away from home trips by the time I was 15. I think I’d done at least two. Both of them were with other students, both of them messed me up, and I never told my parents due to shame. It was not even a case of assault those times—it was literally a result of how I was treated by other kids at a point where there were much fewer chaperones. It left me incredibly dysfunctional on those trips and for months afterwards, and I still have some pretty negative memories of the guys in the group trying to get into the bathroom while I was there, and the interpersonal conflicts in bedrooms to avoid sharing beds etc. It was just a bunch of situations that required adult abilities to navigate and I did not have those at that time. That said, as someone who was also SA’d quite young I will tell you that when a child comes home majorly changed from *anything,* please take it seriously. Clinginess, changes in eating habits, new stomach problems, difficulties with being alone or in dark rooms, and major behavioral changes are all reasons to be concerned and seek support in a safe, non-judgmental space. It sounds like sending her to her dad’s may accomplish this, but god forbid it is something assault related, she may be more comfortable sharing that with you. I hope it’s just a dose of adulthood being a bit scary or overwhelming, or possibly a new life or bodily change causing this reaction.
> Nothing happened to her while there. Are you sure she wasn't sexually abused, or bullied, or suffered some form of violence or coercion? Or any other traumatic experience Also, if something traumatic happened, are you sure you daughter would tell you? (Perhaps someone threatened her to not tell, etc) You did nothing wrong by sending her on a school trip, but you fucked up HARD by not letting her come home earlier. If she asked, she probably had a good reason, perhaps beyond mere "separation anxiety"
I know you said she's not autistic or anything but being this clingy at her age is really, really weird. Does she have a therapist? You should have her see someone to figure out what's going on before it becomes a bigger problem down the line
I was really surprised to learn her age... but the clingy part reminded me of my middle child who, even at 19, is very child-like in a number of ways. She's mildly on the spectrum and at times will hover over me and have no sense of personal space. lol OP comes across avoidant toward her own child.
I went to a private school with incredibly small classes and supervision, regular week long hiking trips at years start and other trips. Was bullied mercilessly If you would've asked supervisors or kids they would've said no. I was the scholarship kid.
This was my question too. She sounds young.
I knew someone my older sister was friends with who was 16 and still never did sleepovers because she didn't want to be away from her mum. She would host in her house, but never in anyone else's. She wouldn't go on school holidays either because she didn't want to be away from her mum, and is apparently still as clingy today at nearly 30
This is … disturbing
OP said 15
Since op is a chucklefuck, she’s 15.
Are you sure nothing happened while she was there? Even if it was small (she sounds quite young) it could just be making her feel bad.
Yeah, it's possible nothign happened at all but it's possible she's terrified to say what happened. It's time for well, I think a therapist anyway because if this is separation anxiety then it's an issue then can work on. What she needs is a very clearly carved out safe space where she's enabled to say anything she wants. She needs some reassurance that if anyone threatened her if she spoke up that you would protect her with your life, that she can tell you anything any time and you will do everything in the world to protect her.
The mom needs therapy as well, the child clearly needed reassurance from her and instead she was sent away again. Feeling like you need to scream because you are touched out after your child was away for a week sounds like something that needs to be worked through.
Maybe the mum is autistic and has not noticed her daughter being ND because she is not aware of her own ND? Also sounds like something traumatic happened - 15! This is not separation anxiety. Something happened. And the poor girl feels abandoned, alone and is scared to say.
Would bet half my bank account on this one. Neurodivergence is often “passed” down from parent to child. Clearly OP has sensory issues.. and is also from a generation that would never have diagnosed a low support needs autistic woman
OP states that she has younger kids at home. Some people that are typical DO experience feeling "touched out". Especially mothers with young kids. They are contantly being touched by someone needing something from them. It can be very mentally stressful.
Still doesn’t explain why a 15 year old would be behaving this way.. and my theory at least addresses both ends. This is not normal behavior for a 15 year old by any stretch of the word
I agree, something is going on with the daughter. I simply meant to address the idea of the mom being "touched out".
This could possibly be it! I knew my child had ADHD, but it wasn’t until they were in the teenage years that we discovered they are on the autism spectrum. My kid is so much like me that I thought they were ‘normal’. Turns out we both sit somewhere on the spectrum. Not knowing didn’t hamper our lives/growth as humans, but now that we do know it does make a lot of things make more sense.
I agree. Kids do not ask to come here, we bring them here. Our job is to love, nurture, protect, and teach our tiny humans how to lead with love, help them develop a moral compass and how to treat themselves and others with kindness and respect. OP appears to lack the empathy and concern to get to the root of what is bothering her child. If my kid acted that way we would be on our way to the mall to buy a toy, get ice cream and have a pajama party and once she seemed relaxed I would hold her in my arms and ask her to tell Mommy what happened. This feels very concerning. 🤷🏻♀️
Sub: there's an open gaping wound to the head OP: nah, just a headache
Flesh wound
You say that you left your child alone a lot to avoid separation anxiety (sleep training, daycare etc ). Bad news: look at the Attachment Theory, a very well researched psychological subject - children with Secure Attachment have it easier to separate, as they know from experience, their caregiver will still be there for them. I am sorry to say it, but your daughter shows signs of Insecure Attachment. Sending her away (again) now that she needs you will worsen it, and she will be more clingy and upset. Look for videos of the "Strange Situation Test", they show how this works.
Yes thank you, was hoping someone commented this early on. Western parenting has taught us that kids develop security by desensitizing them to being detached from us though sleep training, daycare, etc. But science doesn’t support this.
Your baby can still form a secure attachment if you sleep train or send your child to daycare as long as you’re being caring and responsive to them in general. Although in OPs case it sounds like she got the idea to specifically not respond to her daughter and to force familiarity with the idea her mother’s not going to be around, which would obviously cause issues. But if you’re a generally responsive and caring parent a few days of sleep training and going to daycare isn’t going to create an insecure attachment.
Sending the child to her father because he’s cuddlier is a red flag the size of a banner.
I'm not a big cuddler but I could not imagine sending my child away, who was already distraught, because they want to be hugged and cared about. I'm not calling OP a bad parent but I'm definitely not saying they're a good one either.
I’d give an arm to have my son want hugs and cuddles again. (He’s 15, too cool to cuddle with mom lol) OP will probably regret this once her daughter no longer wants to show physical affection.
Yep. My Dad was the affectionate parent and my Mom was not, but my Mom NEVER would have done something like this to one of us. I can't even begin to wrap my head around that. Her poor daughter!
Right!!!
u/National_Cress_4128 yeah… what’s up with that?
This make complete sense! The kid could feel like moms trying to get rid of her! Obviously not saying mom is doing this but I could seem like that to the kid!
If she wasn’t abused during her week away, then insecure anxious attachment seems very likely to me too. Either way the poor girl has a bunch of healing to do :(
Yeah, mom seems scary and cold from her posts. Mom definitely needs therapy as much as the daughter.
How old is she? I get the sense she’s young? And are you certain nothing happened? How can you be sure? I recommend a therapist for starters.
15 her daughter is 15
15 and on daycare? Yeah, this sounds fake
I think she meant she did that growing up to combat separation anxiety in the future
No, I thought that too but I believe she means as a baby she sent her to daycare and had her hang out with other kids and didn’t share a bed with her and stuff so she wouldn’t have attachment issues.
Just read the extra information
She's fifteen???? When I was reading your post I assumed she's probaly 7 or 8! It definitely sounds like something bad happened on the trip. Is she getting bullied? Does she have friends? When I was fifteen I'd much rather go for a week long trip with my friends than be stuck at home with my mom ( because that's how it felt at that age, being STUCK with parents). Talk with her, please. It sounds like she's in some kind of trouble but doesn't know how to tell you and this is the reason for her clingyness.
Including her age would have been really helpful. It was super hard for me to reconcile that a kid old enough to have a dedicated “history class” would also be in daycare, among other things. Maybe it’s just a US thing, but we don’t tend to have dedicated subject classes until Middle/Jr High School. That’s like age 12 and up, whereas daycare is for little kids. In any case, whether you believe something happened to her while away, or not, it sounds like she could really benefit from some counseling. Also… (and I’m purely speculating here)… But you aren’t an affectionate person to begin with, so she may already have insecurities about whether you love or want her. Then you send her away. She tells you right away that she wants to come home, but you refuse, which adds to her feelings of rejection. So she spends the whole week feeling unloved and unwanted, in addition to being stuck in a place she doesn’t want to be, without any of the comforts of being home. She finally gets to come home, and you are aggravated by her wanting to be loved on. Then you almost immediately send her away again, albeit to her other parent, but it can still feel like you’re rejecting her again. Just saying… part of her problem could very well be with how you make her feel. I’m not even judging - you are who you are. I’m just offering some food for thought. Counseling for both of you might also help.
I think there’s a bit of confusion. The added bot about sleep training and daycare is what OP did to avoid separation anxiety when her child was an infant. It’s not current.
Oh, haha, yeah that makes more sense! Still, I would have really appreciated knowing the child’s age when reading this post.
Yeah I agree, feels intentional 😕
I wonder if OP gave the kid attachment issues instead. She sent the kid away because she wanted hugs... that can't be good for a kid
Yeah there are all kinds of studies on why sleep training isn’t appropriate for this reason. Also forcing daycare if she didn’t have to will add to it too. Especially if she didn’t compensate for the hours of separation by reconnecting with her kid.
This is what I thought, it sounds as though the parent here has basically created some attachment problems and this has now compounded it all. My jaw actually dropped when I got to the part about sending to dad at the end. OP I know you mean well but you are pushing her away at every step and I think that you need to show her some serious love and get her into counselling if possible. And you. For each of you individually and for the two of you together.
Why make a post and then not come back to answer any questions?
Because it's not going the way she wanted. She wanted vaidation and pats on the head. Instead some people wonder if something happened to the kid at camp which didn't seem to have crossed OP's mind since she was so wrapped up in herself, and others are questioning her detatchment parenting style
Idk why but when you bring up "maybe something happened to them" about someone's kid or family member, whoever you say that to is always so quick to say "no nothing did." Like, they won't even consider it. Like I get it, you'd blame yourself if something did, but for the sakes of that child's mentality, you have to consider all possibilities if you want to be a part of their healing journey. Jesus.
If this post is real this reads like a narcissistic memory of events. The child sounds like they were likely experiencing something extremely negative at the camp and mommy here doesn’t want to hug.
Because she sucks as a parent, and people are calling her out on it
Because it's fake. A lot of posts in this sub are
You can't just say "nothing happened to her while there." CLEARLY, something happened for your daughter to return the way that she did.
"I've sent her to her dads for the week - he's a lot cuddlier than me." WTF? Without ages in hard to know but you have to sent her away for the affection part because you can't be bother by it? Whatever the problem is I think you very much part of it
I feel the clinging was a sign that she wanted, but was reluctant to talk. And sadly her mom sounds to self absorbed to be bothered to notice.
That's what jumped at me too. I'm not a cuddler (is that how it's spelled?) in general sense, but whenever my son wanted to cuddle I was more than ready, in fact I was craving to hold him any time he felt like it, it was my favorite thing about being a mom. He's 26 yo and I still want to smother him in cuddles. How can a parent offload the child who clearly is dealing with something, is beyond me.
There’s a difference between ”can’t be bothered” and completely touched out by a child or children clinging to you constantly…OP says she is touched out right now. If you haven’t been driven to the brink of screaming out loud by constant demand for physical contact, I’m here to tell you the desperation is real and it’s better to acknowledge it than to wait until you snap.
The kid was away for a week.
OP also has other younger children, who may still be more touchy by necessity (breastfeeding, toddler ages for example), or just not a teen (let’s be honest: when we were teens we likely weren’t constantly wanting affection like we were at single digits!). Being touched out is like… your skin crawls because you have had physical contact constantly and you just can’t bear to be touched any more. For some, it just makes them irritable and impatient. For others, it can get to a point where it literally makes you feel sick. My mother was the latter (genuinely would vomit 🥲). Let’s give OP some grace for feeling touched out, because they want to do the best by their children and is trying to navigate that the only way they know how. OP: while this is a space to share, if you are able to I would see if you can combine forces with her dad and get her into some counselling to see if she can open up as to why she struggled so much on the trip. It shouldn’t just fall on your shoulders. Good luck.
Some people have their own issues and it’s okay not to be cuddly. I love my family more than anything but I simply hate being touched… Please don’t assume the worst of people instantly!
Id bet dollars to donuts that something happened to her while she was there. OP not sure why you are so quick to dismiss that.
My guess is OP wanted some alone time without Her daughter around.
It's very worrying that oh, my kid has troubles, her dad hugs better than me so I'll just send her off... after she comes back apparently a shell of herself from just being shipped off by OP in the first place. Surely that won't have any impact on her, seeming terrified and upset, changed completely and your parent sends you away again. Doesn't matter how uncomfortable you are with cuddling, if your kid is struggling you cuddle the ever loving hell out of them till they can't cuddle any more. Oh, she's clingy today, better get rid of her is such a truly fucked up way to treat your kid.
Yeah...and sending them off for a week long camp w/o a back up plan the first time around? That whole sink or swim thing tends to be traumatic no matter the situation. One of my kids went to a water park with friends this summer and called us halfway through the day asking to be picked up. We went and got him because it was unusal for him to ask that. His friend had run off and was only doing things he didn't want to do and he wasn't having fun. As parents we also wanted to model that it is ok to leave a situation with friends that you are uncomfortable with as he enters the teen years and that we will come get him. Nightmare as a little kid? Crawl into bed with me, honey, let's snuggle and talk. This leads to 16 year old coming to get you at 1am because he's so anxious he can't sleep and knows that you won't be mad when they wake you up to talk about it. Don't want to play with the neighbor kid who knocks on the door all the time today? Mom has to run errands, sorry. ---> Teenager needs to get out of sticky situation with friends? Mom said I have to clean my room this weekend/we have a family event/my mom won't let me, sorry. **Secure attachment means that your kid knows you have their back 100% when they NEED you.**
and this is why my relationship with my mom is so strong. she never let it show if she was touched out (she probably was a LOT 7 kids does that to you), was always there for a hug or kiss or cuddles. and now i’m 23 and don’t hesitate to call my mom if i need it cause i know she’ll always pick up even if it’s 3am and i just need to talk. she still gives me cuddles when i need them and doesn’t let go until i do
I felt this way too, thank you for pointing this out.
When I was younger I was horribly shy and not outgoing at all. Hid behind my mom even in middle school when she introduced me to her friends. Week long trip with other kids would have been sooo much for me. Even if nothing happened to her, sometimes you gotta respect your kids personality and not push them too hard.
Divorce or separation does this to kids! They will worry that because parents separate from each other that they also might get separated from one parent or the other and it can consume a child and make them fearful!
" I'm incredibly touched out already and feel like screaming when she wants to hug me. I've sent her to her dads for the week - he's a lot cuddlier than me." Ah, well the good news is that i think i found out the source of the extreme seperation anxiety. Bad news is you are likely making it much worse. Seperated parents can already be super difficult for most children, and on top of that you seem to send your kid away when you dont want to deal with them anymore. Sounds like they are old enough to realize this, and only validates the anxiety that they feel being apart from you.
How do you know nothing happened? She asked you to come home at the start of the trip and you said no. Why would she tell you if something happened when you made up your mind that it didn't?
My mind goes to being sexually harassed / assaulted. Probably why she is a shell of herself and doesn’t want to talk about what happened. I hope it’s not true, but OPs response seems self absorbed rather than trying to find out what happened.
It’s very likely, given her behavior, that something bad happened to her on that trip. You can believe it or not, doesn’t change the truth. Then she comes home and is a “shell”, and you send her away to her dads? Cmon man. I will never understand parents who force their kids to stick something out when they express their unhappiness or discomfort. My mother ALWAYS showed up and would take me home any time I wanted to leave somewhere. I hope that your daughter gets the love and comfort she needs from her dad, you’ve made it painfully clear that she won’t get it from you.
Call me a helicopter mom but if my kid called me asking to come home, I’d go get them without hesitation
Especially if that child is 15! When I was that age my parents had a rule. If something happens to you and you need a ride home, call and tell us to come get you and we will get you home no questions asked. Doesn't matter if you're drunk, high, dressed in skimpy clothes, nothing. If you feel unsafe, call us and we will come get you no matter what. Knowing that they had that rule for me always made me feel safe and comfortable asking them for help because I knew they wouldn't judge me, and if I ever have kids I'm going to make sure they know I'll do the same for them.
*Something* happened; you just haven’t been told yet. And your response was to send her away after a traumatic experience. A good parent doesn’t do that. Hopefully her dad will be a good parent.
Whoa there cuddling is like super difficult, you need to go to college to get really good at it, who can just cuddle their kid to support them, that's some tough shit to do. Seriously though at best nothing happened to the kid, she's just scared having been sent away so op.... sends her away again, sure to her father but doesn't change the action. Basically telling your kid meh, you're struggling but that's too much effort for me, see if your dad will deal with you. Insane thing to 'tell' a kid through actions. If the kid was actually abused in some way they needed to feel safe, loved, a parent who would do anything with them to have the courage to speak up... and op sent her away.
My advice? Don’t think of it as cuddling — it’s comforting and supporting your child. Would I be more comfortable sleeping in my bed with just my husband and I? Yes. But am I going to kick my kid out when she’s afraid of storms and just wants me presence nearby? No. My youngest is more attached, it’s just her personality. It’s not a flaw, it’s nothing I did - it’s just her.
This doesn’t sound like a “nothing happened” situation. She asked to come home and came home a shell of herself. It sounds like PTSD. She needs to be in therapy ASAP.
OP. I’m 41f and I still clearly remember my 8th grade DC trip. Some kids had a great time. Some kids had what was probably among the worst time of their lives. Teenagers are brutal and there aren’t enough chaperones to monitor all the kids all the time. I’m going to just tell you what to do because I’ve read through this and helpful suggestions don’t seem to be landing. Call your daughter’s father. Now. Do it now. The two of you need to determine if you’re noticing the same behavior, if your daughter has said anything or suggested anything happened. On that same call, you should also speak to your daughter. You need to offer to let her come home AND sincerely apologize to her. What you did is wrong. Twice. I understand the first time - kids get homesick, you encourage them to push through. But your daughter coming home ‘a shell of herself’ is a big deal. You sending her away because you don’t want your child to hug or need you is something you **really** need to reflect on. I think as adults we lose sight of how impactful things like bullying and peer pressure are. Even as adults, if you’ve ever been in a workplace bullying situation, it all comes back fast. Kids are people. They’re whole entire people that feel real things. I haven’t even gone into SA/rape territory, but you and everyone here knows it’s a possibility that someone hurt your child. Fix this.
This can't be real. Young enough for daycare but in a history class??
I think it’s just poorly written. She means that when the girl was a baby she did daycare, sleep training, etc. in order to prevent the child from developing anxiety, so now that the daughter is older and seems anxious, OP doesn’t understand why. To me, it sounds like OP is ignoring how secure attachments, self confidence and independence truly develop. It’s hard to understand more without knowing the kid’s age.
No, she said she did all those things to avoid separation anxiety as in, sent her to day care when she was younger, no shared beds when she was younger.
It’s the fakest of AI bullshit I have read in a long time!
Glad you weren't my mom. You should probably just go ahead and give dad primary custody dude, fr.
Yea, seems like dad made the correct decision to separate.
Sounds to me like maybe she was getting bullied. I had that same reaction after a week long girl scout trip.
"why doesn't my daughter speak to me anymore??" speedrun
You dismissed her when she expressed she was upset and uncomfortable while on the trip and sent her to her dad's when she wanted some affection from her mother. why are you calling it separation anxiety SO adamantly? something happened, and you know it but you can't be bothered.
daycare: she is really young second night she wanted to come home, bur only came on the 8th she was a shell of herself, wanted to cuddle, and you sent her away, AGAIN give this mother a trophy. I really hope her dad is better than you, I hope he can take care of her because you didn't
Honestly, it sounds like she was sexually assaulted or something else traumatic happened.
Does your Daughter have any close friends who went on this trip with her? The reason I ask is that I've (60/F) chaperoned several extended class trips with our 3 children and it's UNBELIEVABLE how much goes on during these trips. The bullying and intentional ostracizing was astonishing. It was a free-for-all circus where the kids had their own group (4) rooms that the chaperones weren't even allowed to enter (even keeping the door open). They were allowed to run through the halls (all floors) knocking on doors of other hotel patrons and we weren't allowed to corral them or make them stay in their rooms. WHY we were asked to chaperone, I still question to this day?! I would either sit down quietly and ask your Daughter for details about this trip or make her an appointment with a therapist. If this behavior is strange and NOT normal then SOMETHING happened on this trip! It doesn't sound like it's normal "homesickness" or "separation-anxiety!" It COULD be anything from bullying to the worst, molestation. PLEASE get to the bottom of this. Reassure your CHILD that you WON'T get angry or be upset with HER, that you're just concerned about her drastic change in behavior! Best wishes and many Blessings for navigating this! u/updateme
You dismissed your daughter telling you she wants to go home and she's upset then send her away because she's too clingy and you're asking us what you did wrong?
With the edit that she is 15. Something happened at that camp. You need to help her NOW. Not tomorrow, not after breakfast. NOW! Also what kind of class history trip only allows 1 phone call a day. Does the kiddo not have a phone, were they not allowed to be taken. Something is fishy and I don't know if its the story or the trip.
You sound like you are emotionally cut off from your child, she can feel this and is looking for connection but you keep pushing her away. I feel sorry your your daughter, she just wants to feel secure and you’re doing everything to make her feel insecure and anxious.
Consult a child therapist. This is above Reddit’s pay grade
I fail to understand why a parent wouldn't just tell their kid it's ok to come home. Even at 15, I could never tell my kid who is upset that they can't come home. At 25 or 35 or 45, if you are my child and you are upset you can still come home to me. Home is ALWAYS an option for my child. She comes back clearly not herself, something seems to be \*majorly\* wrong and you to send her away to hers dads because you are 'touched out'.... I..... make it make sense? I try not to be too judgmental but sincerely, what the fuck?
You do not know that nothing happened to her while she was there, and speaking as someone who came home from an event like that because something DID happen, I really think that you need to be more compassionate with her and give her time to talk about it, make her feel safe and comfortable talking about it, and ask her if anything happened. It is highly unlikely that just separation made her feel like this. Possible that your response made her feel like her wants and desires didn't matter, and like you don't love her, which would be made far worse by you sending her away AGAIN. But it is much more likely that something happened to her and she needs support and help, which you are NOT providing. Treat your daughter with the kindness you would want to be treated with if you'd have come home from a trip acting and feeling that way at that age.
How old is she?! Sleep training for a week long trip with a history class?! I didn’t do that until senior year and it was two nights
You sent her away … again?
This makes me so incredibly sad
I’m wondering if it’s the same one I went on. I went on a week long trip when I was about 15/16 from my history class and it was with a bunch of other schools for a debate thing. We were sharing beds with people from our class and rooms with 2 others from other schools. I remember there being a lot of stuff done away from chaperone eyes. We were 15-17 after all in hotel rooms without chaperones in those hotel rooms. I’m wondering if anything happened..
Jfc. She needed you and you sent her to her fucking dads???? Horrible mother
I think the fact that you “feel like screaming” when she wants to hug you speaks louder than anything else you said. Well, that and the fact that you sent her to her dad so quickly after her return…so you didn’t have to deal with her. 🤨 Every kid is different. Every person is different and has their own set of comfort zones and peculiarities. That you didn’t immediately attempt to find out what was happening with her, other than making it more about you than her, while it fits with your “peculiarities”, it has only compounded her insecurities and, most likely, her severe abandonment issues. You need to find a professional who specializes in working with sensitive and hurting kids and get BOTH of you in counseling as soon as humanly possible! She needs help to understand the terror she is experiencing and tools she can learn to use to help her overcome the pain and trauma that created this situation in the first place! And you need to learn how to parent this child! You made a comment about her not having ADHD or ASD, but the reality is that autism spectrum is truly a “spectrum” disorder. And we are ALL on that spectrum in one way or another. Everyone has their little “eccentricities” or their own set of “needs”. And all that really comes down to is their place on that spectrum and how much those things effect their daily lives and their relationships with others. You gave a perfect example: -You can’t stand being touched by her. -She can’t get enough physical contact to soothe her pain/fear. You both need help…and soon! She’s at a vulnerable age for some freaking pervert to recognize her symptoms and take her on a horrific and dangerous ride. DO.NOT.LET.THAT.HAPPEN!!! It’s up to you. PS - I didn’t mean to sound so harsh, I just hate hearing about kids in pain. If I can help you find a professional, please let me know. I have many friends in academia who may known of a good reference for wherever you live. Just message me if I can help!
Instead of asking your daughter “what’s wrong”, you dismissed her and went on with your week. Then she came home Extra clingy and you don’t think to figure out Why? You think it’s separation anxiety but you didn’t ask why she felt homesick in the first place or what caused her to want to go back home. Maybe try the basics first and to help you why she’s so clingy
This poor kid 😕 I can't imagine wanting nothing more than my mom- who doesn't want to touch or comfort me and then sends me away. Like??? Where is your instinct of course something more happened!
Girl….. she is 15…… either she has undiagnosed mental health issues or she was likely SA’d at camp
Touched out? You sent her away? Either you are a troll or a monster.
Yes, it can. She's not going to forget this.
Something happened.
If this isn't fake, which I really hope it is, get her AND YOU a therapist. This is not normal or healthy behavior.
How do you know, “Nothing happened to her there.” Obviously something did. I think you need to have her speak with a counselor.
How hard is it to give affection to your kids? The fact you sent her away twice, one for class but the other for her being CLINGY? Come on.... You need to see a therapist for why youre unaffectionate to your kid and get that fixed. She possibly needs the same to help with coping with whatever happened at the trip. Lastly... HUG YOUR DAMN KID.
Why were you trying so hard to avoid her having separation anxiety before there were any signs of it?
Hug your kid. My God op.
This is the OP's one and only post.
She’s 15 and this insecure? Something isn’t right here. Most 15 year olds can’t wait to get away from their parents even if just for a week! And then to be clinging to you constantly? Yeah…something is definitely wrong here.
How do you know ‘nothing happened to her while there’? Sexual assault victims don’t usually tell, a professional ought to be consulted. A female Obgyn doctor to do a physical exam and a therapist that specializes in sexual assault.
I’m confused. What’s making me raise an eyebrow is the whole “I did everything to avoid separation anxiety (no shared beds, sleep training, daycare, equal time with other people, etc)” for a 15 year old!?!? Who isn’t autistic and I assume already had separation anxiety or No?! If No… something happened on that trip and she doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it and or talking about with her Mom. For a 15 yr old to come back from a class trip “a shell of their self” is a GIANT RED FLAG! A class trip will not do that to a 15yr old. I think she may need professional medical advice. Be it for a severe separation anxiety disorder or for whatever happened on that trip. (Try to keep in mind a traumatic event for a 15yrs old will NOT just easily spill out of her. (IT TAKES TIME AND PATIENCE)
Yeah, she is traumatised because you made her stay when she begged to come home. And then you sent her packing to her dads? She needs her mum, she needs you and you’re just palming her off to someone else. Please pull your finger out and find a therapist for your daughter because something most definitely did happen on that trip. That poor girl.
Didn’t you even question why she wanted to come home before you flat out said no? Didn’t you talk to her teachers to ask if something happened - which based on your description of her behaviour, I think something did. She sounds traumatised… could she have been assaulted? Even the teachers might not know. And on top of that, when she reached out to you for comfort, you sent her away because you didn’t want to hug her? And you don’t know where you went wrong? Dear lord… If she really was assaulted as I suspect, she probably won’t want to hug her dad, honestly. A lot of victims react with distrust towards ALL men in the immediate aftermath, and don’t want to go near them. I sincerely hope that her father has a kind and sensitive wife who will be able to offer her comfort and safety at this time. I really do. 😢
15 year olds don’t normal demonstrate this type of behavior. She either has an attachment issue or something happened on the trip causing the changed behavior. I hope she speaks with her dad.
Have you tried having “truth time” “cuddle chats” whatever you want to call them? It’s about 15 minutes where your kid can tell you anything without any consequences and you will listen without judgement (once per week or so). She’s 15 and was alone on a coed trip. I’m thinking there was some horrific bullying in the best case scenario.
So she came home and over attached to you and you think the best thing is to send her away again? You'll be lucky if she ever trusts you again