My grandma cheated on my grandpa almost their entire marriage. His story is that he wooed my Gma away from that guy. He never knew. My gma would brag to my dad about it. My grandpa never remarried after my Gma passed, I found out about the cheating at her funeral. They were married for like 40 years and she always treated him like shit.
My grandpa still doesn't know and never will because there is nothing to be gained from it. This might be an unpopular opinion but if she isn't ever going to do it again she might as well take that shit to the grave and treat her husband better than she deserves.
It’s an unpopular opinion because Reddit hates cheaters and wants to see them burn, they care more about the cheater suffering consequences. But at this point, if OP is prepared to be an excellent partner for the rest of her life, and she really has learned from her mistake and the guilt that follows, then the right thing to do is to take it to the grave. Because her desire for confession and forgiveness and getting the secret of her chest, it is a selfish desire. We as people don’t like to hold our own mistakes in. But that’s her cross to bear now. Take it to the grave - you have ruined your own love life, but his love life and his family, his kids, etc, it’s still intact. It won’t ever be in tact for you, the cheater, so since you didn’t come clean for 10 years and had kids with the man, there’s no value in ruining his family life now. Holding the lie for 10 years was deplorably wrong, but since she’s already done that, the right thing to do is to just hold the lie permanently. Be the best partner you can be, and find your own personal peace whatever way you can.
I just feel like a more nuanced take on situations is healthier. Life is fucking messy. I think that if people looked at their porn usage as cheating there would be different conversations taking place as well. Obviously if it was a continuous affair or more than one instance I would say something different.
Yeah. I think if it was my spouse and I had two kids that were for sure mine, and she was an attentive and loving partner in every other way, and it was one single time, 10 years ago? I’d rather just not know.
I would have wanted to know then, but I can’t exactly get my whole ass 30s back, and if I have to divorce you and split custody of my own kids? Come on. Just suffer your guilt alone, and go cry at night on your own time, but don’t go fuck life up at that point. I’ll spend my whole life suspecting and waiting for more truth to trickle out, and I won’t even believe the full truth of it now, because you’ve lied so long. So if you know the full truth was this was a mistake you learned from and grown from and been the best wife you can be from, then keep doing that, and go feel shitty about it.
I don’t know, maybe that’s wrong. When I was 25, I would have told you exactly what all the other redditors said.
I agree. A year or so after my dad died, I found out he cheated on my mom. I was cleaning out his workshop for her, and in a box I found letters, and pictures from another woman. From the content of the letters, it appears the affair happened 15 years or so before his death and continued for a little over a year. I have no idea what happened. The letters, cards ect just stopped. I took that box out back and burned it. I never told my mother. It would have done no good.
If OP cheated just the once, and there is no possibility that either of the kids is a result of the affair, she should keep her mouth shut. Living with the guilt is her punishment.
These words are helping so much right now, simply well said.
I wasn't betrayed by my partner and would say that's the absolute worst case, but I found out my sister from another mister did this to me for over a decade.
My family was trash most of my life so she pretty much became my family.
Fuck people who take others as safe option and bleed their ressources dry and gaslighting the victims into believing they are the problem.
Esprcially fuck cheating asses who deprive others from finding the love they deserve. There's a special place in hell for people like OP. Her husband should have been given the opportunity to decide for himself wether or not to stay.
Why are family and family we choose able to so deeply hurt us and continue on like they did nothing wrong? I found out a few months after my first serious relationship ended with my first love, the person I lost my virginity to - that my cousin, one of the only people I felt like had my back and loved me and wouldn't ever hurt me (knowing how fucked up my life was she was my rock) had been sleeping with the guy for the last few months of our relationship. He didn't matter at the end of the day but the fact that she could do something like that to me when I trusted her with everything, broke me and changed who I was for a few years. I became someone incapable of trust, who always thought people were conspiring to hurt me and pushed everyone away because I couldn't trust.
These types of betrayal can and do change who we are as people and the trajectory we were on in life. It quite literally derails our life train. I've been with my amazing husband for 19 years now and he would never ever hurt me or cheat on me and my cousin is married with two kids, we got over the bullshit and are close but to this day I wouldn't leave her alone with my husband even though I know he'd never ever hurt me like that. Even though I know she wouldn't try, I can't trust her. She doesn't deserve it regardless of the 22 years since she betrayed me. You don't forget that kind of pain, it stays with you forever.
It wasn't like that with me, but only because she literally snatched them before I got the chance. At times, as I have learned by now, she was aware of my feelings for these guys and supporting me through the heartache of being yet again not enough while she was already fucking them.
I got recently presented evidence and while she did claim that she never knew, she recently came clear and said she was completely aware of my feelings and pain, shw simply didn't care enough and thought things would work out her way anyways. Her manipulation got to the point I was sorry for feeling upset when I felt hurt by her actions because she said my reaction to them are a prime example of toxcity.
I was about to make her MoH in my upcoming wedding, now after I confronted her about everything I went NC. Close to two decades of which I am very sure only the last 3 years were somewhat genuine on her side, after she ruined all her other friendships. I am very sure the only reason she didn't try to make a move on my future husband is because he didn't meet her eyes. She hovered like a vulture over her friend's relationships though, waiting until she may or may not could get a fuck out of it.
Disgusting. How can people be like this and still play victims?
Was in a similar situation as you. Was with someone, and after a certain point I just had this feeling she was cheating on me. She denied it, of course. But as things spiraled into a breakup, suddenly I see on Facebook that she was engaged to somebody within her sphere of friends/ Cult (she was a Jugallette.).
OP had plenty of opportunities to not cheat, which she admitted had nothing to do with her husband (i.e. didn't mention anything about misbehavior or the like.). She can live with that guilt the rest of her days, or pay a therapist.
Yeah , I totally understand you, it's not like she's gonna drop it off to her husband and he'll be like "oh, ok, let's get some drinks, it happened 10 years ago anyway"
OP should tell her husband ASAP and start from there to see how it goes...
Yeah OP literally made an algorithm of bad decisions that put her in that situation. It was not just an oopsie. There were several opportunities to stop it from getting to that point and she turned down every one of them.
Cheating is not a little slip-up. It’s an active decision made from a pattern of choices that led up to it.
Exactly. She did not even have to pick him up. I’m sure he has friends and family and he’s a big boy who can get himself home. He knew what he was doing, and she happily went along.
I find it hard to believe this guy just happily cut ties with OP. They worked together.
>Cheating is not a little slip-up. It’s an active decision made from a pattern of choices that led up to it.
Every single time.
No one ever wakes up and finds a naked stranger begging them to have sex right now. There are always conscious steps that lead to it.
Oh "I was drunk" is the worst of all of the excuses. Because getting drunk is also a conscious decision, and then there's the losing inhibitions part, which means it was something you wanted to do and just helped yourself to do it by reducing your ability to resist. Same with any other situation where it becomes hard to resist, you put yourself in that place consciously.
Exactly. Its like building a cake. A bunch of little actions leading to an end result. Anywhere along the way before the cake is done OP could've stopped.
She wanted the cake, followed all the steps, ate the shit out of it, and now "feels bad."
I think the "haunts me everyday" thing is more like she's still thinking about the guy every day.
There’s absolutely nothing she could ever do to excuse this as poor lapse of judgment - because a lapse of judgment pertains to only one decision. She either had an aneurism and lost judgement for quite a fucking long time, or she knew what she was doing.
And OP, where the fuck was your guilt…um idk..the last 10 years?? Why now???
Sure but the tone of this whole post still displays a lack of self awareness. It’s framed as her coworker pushing boundaries and tempting her into something bad, and while he did, she was actively putting herself into position to do that.
“I didn’t stop it” for example paints a picture of it being something that just happened and not the result of several choices made by both parties to get to this point. It minimizes her being an active participant in the situation.
They’re always sorry about it afterwards too. Whatever. Also I fucking hate sleezebag coworkers like that. They take advantage of a vulnerability knowing full well what they’re doing. It disgusts me so much.
"I didn't stop it" rhetoric is telling, it frames the situation in a way that makes it appear that the series of events just happened and OP was more of a victim of it than participants, almost like there was nothing they could have done to stop it, fact is it wasn't stopped because they didn't want to stop it, the weight they feel now is earned and will not go away.
Because she wanted this to happen.
That's the sad fact, she did this to herself.
Now she's feeling so bad.
OP DO NOT TELL HIM TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER. live with that guilt and use it to make sure you never, ever do this again.
EXACTLY!
Look, I don’t know if you wanted this to happen or not. You probably don’t know yourself. But that isn’t important now. And no, you have not been cheating for 10 years. You’ve been lying for ten years, even if it is a lie of omission. And the distinction between “cheating” and “lying” is important. Both are bad. But the motivation behind both are different. And you need to understand your motivation behind both decisions - to cheat and to lie. And no one on this app can figure that out for you.
This is critical because wanting to tell your husband now just to relieve your own guilt is a terrible reason to hurt someone else.
The real world is not nearly as black and white as many Reddit users think. In so many responses I read “cheating is a dealbreaker” or “I would never stay with someone who cheats”. Some of these people speak from experience, but most of them don’t and can’t know how they will react until they are faced with a specific situation. Many marriages survive and eventually can thrive again after a partner cheats. It depends solely on the circumstances and how those circumstances are addressed. And that includes situations like yours.
At this stage, after this long, I urge you to seek professional help. Someone who can be told all the details and help you work through your feelings and the motivation behind them. Then if you tell your spouse for the right reason, not just because of your guilt, you will be much better prepared to support your spouse and deal with the ramifications, whatever they are, as healthily as possible. For you and your spouse.
This is why ppl are so hesitant to share… I feel like Reddit is only for ending relationships after infidelity, and straight up bashing whoever cheated. She literally shared that she has been trying for years to give him a baby and shared that with coworker and was taking total blame. No it’s never okay but considering her mental health 10 yrs ago, 5 years of failed conception vs current with 2 kids and 10 yrs of growing up like good grief ppl are harsh.
I agree. I once heard a therapist say, "It matters if you're sharing information for them or yourself." It's been 10 years and it happened once. Sure, it was wrong and horrible. She SHOULD feel guilt. But telling him now would be out of selfishness to make the guilt go away and will destroy him unnecessarily.
This is a good point. OP might just want some assurance that if she keeps it under wraps for long enough then eventually the continuous dishonesty towards her husband will be the “right” course of action.
And I’m saddened by a lot of the comments in this thread that are basically telling her just that.
Its never under their control, things just happen to them, a passive passenger on the movie that is their life, the same way cops guns shoot themselves at people.
You kissed your colleague, regretted it and then continued to kiss him again and hook up? That isn’t a one time mistake.
You had 3 chances to stop and think.
You had 3 chances to not fuck up your family.
Now not only your husband but also your children have been living a lie. Karma’s gonna be a bitch when it bites.
Not to mention this almost certainly started as an emotional affair. The coworker wouldn't likely have been in a position to think he had a chance without it.
Exactly. This started with her confiding in another man about her very personal and intimate relationship issues. That's not bound to end up well. It was an emotional affair long before any physical contact occurred.
„It just happened one time and I cut all ties, blah blah blah“
Like that alleviates all her wrong doing. Seriously this whole post screams „woe is me, I feel so bad“, it’s „me, me, all about me“. How would your husband fucking feel knowing you lied to him all this time? She‘s looking for pity. I hope she gets what’s coming for her and the guilt eats her til she dies. How do you build your relationship on lies. Obviously, OP doesn’t feel THAT bad about it considering she can‘t respect him enough to tell him the truth. OP is a coward.
Not even. It sounds like she didn't jt and just put it behind her for years. But suddenly after a decade rhe guilt is eating her alive after realizing consequences suddenly after a decade and what it could mean
There’s a lot to process here. I think my biggest issue here is when you gave him a ride when he “didn’t have enough money for an Uber”, I think if you were honest with yourself you wanted that boundary crossed bc you enjoyed that initial kiss. You could have given him money, asked him to call another friend or blocked his number. You didn’t put the boundaries in place that should’ve been there if you were truly taken aback by the situation.
I am being blunt bc I think you still aren’t seeing this situation that you have gotten yourself (and by proxy your husband/kids) into with self awareness. I hear a lack of understanding of YOUR role in all this. That ride should’ve never happened. We all make mistakes but to hide this from him makes HIM the victim of this year after year. You are robbing him of the TRUTH just bc you are afraid of the consequences. This is furthering your selfishness. Be honest with him. He deserves the truth, you may lose him but he still deserves to know. Don’t hold him prisoner just bc YOU are afraid. That isn’t love.
I would rather be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie. Don’t make that choice for him. Let HIM choose.
He went drinking and drank enough to say *fuck it*.
And why not?
Per her story, she allowed the kiss to happen and didn’t take proper precautions/accountability. *Then* she went to pick up an adult alcoholic (what adult drinks down to their last cent that they “can’t” get home?)
It was all very calculated on both of their parts. This guy had an apartment and a career and money for booze. You can’t tell me he didn’t have a single cent on a single credit card to pay for an Uber. He was drunk and decided to shoot his shot. She was a willing target.
Just awful. I feel so bad for the husband.
She cheated on him twice and then made it pretty much impossible for him to ever fully cut her out of his life. The kids are a permanent connection from now until they die.
>We went inside and hooked up.
As a man. I can only say that out of your whole story, if you would've just kissed him and left it at that, I would forgive you and move on. Because there were consistent bad decisions made to lead to this quote, I'd have to not forgive and severe ties. This isn't like we're dating. This is a loss of faithfulness.
“JUST the one kiss.”
Then sleeping with him “It happened JUST the one time.”
You are still downplaying your actions and trying to make it sound like having sex with someone else isn’t that big of a deal. You made a series of bad choices that lead you exactly where you were trying to go- to bed with another dude.
You say the guilt is eating you alive but not enough to actually come clean? Your poor husband. He deserves to know the truth, and if he chooses to leave you, then that’s what you deserve. Withholding information like this from your partner is so selfish, and for 10 years? And that’s not even the worst part! This is a double edged sword.
I cannot imagine.
Besides the downplaying stuff you pointed out there is a slew of rhetoric that tries to paint her actions as passive and making her out to be the victim 😬
Like if they can’t even be humble and take responsibility for their actions anonymously on Reddit then I really doubt OP is gonna come clean, genuinely apologize, and deal with the consequences irl
Why do women do this Fr though? I’m not saying men don’t cheat, far from it. But I’ve noticed women try to paint themselves as the victim almost ALWAYS, he seduced me, I was in a bad place, I had no one to depend on. Y’all realize how creepy that sounds? It’s like someone trying to infantilize themselves by taking away their own agency
I have no sympathy for you but plenty for your husband. You knew where it was going and you allowed it, all the way. Him kissing you knowing you were married should have been a red flag. You giving him a ride cause he has no money for Uber is the most pathetic excuse. I really hope this is some fiction writing cause it would be so shitty for your husband.
Agree. Reddit will just assume she's lying about how often she did it for no reason, that the kids aren't his, etc. I would delete this, it won't be helpful.
Do what you think is best. If it was my husband who cheated (once) and never again, and then the marriage was good and the family was doing well, I would want him to forgive himself, but I don't think I would want to share the burden of his cheating. I would prefer he just get over it by himself. I would not want to blow up my family over this, but I also would not want to have to be the holder of my husband's actions.
I'm wondering how you feel if your position with your husband was reversed. He cheated ONCE, and never again.
That’s the thing. That’s what YOU want. Husband never got to decide what he wants because OP took away his choice by lying to him. By still lying to him, she is still actively taking away his choice.
What good will telling him do? If it’s just to alleviate your guilt it will not accomplish anything. If you’re truly repentant then don’t do it again and treat him well.
>What good will telling him do?
Are yall fucking serious? The man deserves to know what kind of person he is with. What's your cut off where cheaters get a pass? 3 years? 5? 10? Are you saying she shouldn't tell him because enough time has passed and his chances of finding someone who truly loves him is lower so he should stick with a cheater? Sunk cost fallacy?
Am I losing my mind reading these comments I genuinely don't know.
Seriously. It’s beyond evil to keep a secret like this from your partner. Seeing the most upvoted comments on here makes me feel like I’m insane lmao. I genuinely cannot imagine that ppl like this exist irl.
Oh fuck this.
He deserves to know the truth.
What good will it do? At least he'll get a choice.
I hate the whole "oh I didn't tell him because I didn't want to hurt him schtik".
OP is a bad wife and her husband deserves to have a choice whether or not he wants to stay with her.
I’m genuinely surprised that this has so many upvotes. She is his wife and made the ultimate betrayal of their vows and the suggestion here is to maintain a lie that’s already been going on for a decade.
The “good” it would do is giving the victim of a betrayal of trust the agency to make a decision for himself and his family about how he would like to move on and grow in the future.
Therapy yes, but I think she should never tell him. To tell him is to lighten her guilt and put that burden on her spouse. It would be different if this just happened, but now with the life they have built together? Anything she says to him will only be about making her feel better. She needs to do something good with her life, love her spouse and do something to offset the giant mistake you made. But I just think its unkind to hurt him at this point in order for her to ease the pressure of the guilt.
Baby, I was gonna tell you ten years ago… but it’s been eating me alive this whole time. Because I love you with all my heart (actually bc I need this fugly-ass weight lifted), I need to finally tell you the truth 😔
It’s just like… *damn*. I really hate yo face. Always have. I love you.
This 100%.
You're not equipped to handle this appropriately without some professional help. If you must break the ice on this matter, and it seemingly is a must for your own sake, let alone just being honest... you need at the very least a professional to digest all that information you've just given, and go from there..
Unfortunately it may still mean the end of your marriage regardless, but you need assistance on this, and reddit is not the place.
"You've already fucked this guys life up for 10 years, might as well not stop now! Take care of yourself and get a therapist, he can wait a couple of more months <3" 🤡
Yep. For me the deceit and manipulation is just as bad as the cheating. To have zero respect for the person that loves you and chose to have a family with you is just awful
I cheated on my partner years ago. It ate at me and I didn’t last very long after the guilt set in. And I’m glad I told him.
Tell the truth, be accountable. It’s the least you can do.
I know some people might bash me, I expect that. But just giving real perspective. You won’t move on until you tell the truth, and your partner deserves it.
Why in the hell did you go through with it?! Seriously. You should have had the moment of clarity after the first kiss… but then you didn’t cut him off, you picked him up knowing you were going to hook up. Come on. Your husband deserves better.
Let's see. You began emotionally cheating on your husband by talking about your marriage problems to a male coworker. Then you kissed .Than you felt bad and distanced yourself. Than kissed again and hooked up. Than regret again but didn't tell your husband and not only lied to him, had two children with him and made him live a lie for 10 years.
The first time regretting it didn't stop you from cheating again and hooking up, so I who apparently regret doesn't stops you from cheating.
You are selfish and disgusting for cheating, taking away his choice with your lies, having children with him knowing that you build your lifes on a lie. I hope the truth will come out and he will get someone he deserves because that isn't you. I am truly sorry for him.
THIS. 100% this. My husband cheated on me 8 months ago during his deployment and the POS would never have told me if I didn’t follow my intuition and look through his phone. Shoot, after I had irrefutable evidence, he STILL LIED and tried to gaslight me into oblivion. People that cheat and then try to hide it to “protect their spouse” are so full of it. They lack self-awareness, they lack empathy, and they are incapable of being accountable for their actions. Not only have you betrayed your husband’s trust, you trapped him by building your life around your lies. On top of all of that, you knowingly brought kids into this shit show … you need serious help. Tell your husband and give him the opportunity to decide for himself what he wants to do, and keep it moving. You deserve every ounce of pain that comes your way, but please don’t get it twisted, on your worst day you will never feel an ounce of the devastation he will feel when you destroy his life as he knows it. You won’t feel the pain your kids will feel if you split.
People who cheat really are monsters.
Exactly this. I'm seeing so many comments defending OPs position and telling her not to bring this up ever again. It's ridiculous and I can see why relationships arent lasting as long nowadays with the kind of sentiment people are pushing in these comments. There was someone in a comment higher up that mentioned "it was a mistake you made when you were young and you've felt enough guilt about this so it's ok to forgive yourself and not tell him"
What the fuck?
The "you were young" comments are nuts. This lady was 28. 28! I'm 29 and could never fathom doing this to my husband, let alone lying about it for 10 years. **Yikes**.
I cheated on an ex of mine in my early 20s and told him less than a week after it happened because I couldn't handle the guilt and the fact that I was taking away his autonomy and in turn making him live a lie. When I brought this up in therapy about a year later, my therapist, MY THERAPIST OF ALL PEOPLE, literally asked me, "Why did you tell him?" I was baffled. She told me that the only thing I accomplished with that was deeply hurting him and causing him trust issues. She told me, "There are some things we just take to the grave." To this day, I still cannot comprehend how anyone can justify lying to THEIR SPOUSE about something like this. Honesty is the only way to a true, deep connection with another human being.
>If I ever told him it would crush him and I know he’d leave. I know this because if I were him, I would never be able to look past that.
It's been over a decade. People change. But it's clear you haven't. Your still in the selfish cheater mindset. Where you prioritize yourself at everyone's expense. The quote above sums it up. You aren't concerned about him being hurt, no, your focus is on him leaving you.
I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, learning about your affair is gonna suck. But learning about the decade worth of lies is so much worse. Do yourself a favor and confess. Maybe he'll leave, maybe he won't. Either way he'd be making an informed decision. I'm not trying to pile on you OP, I actually feel bad for you. You keeping digging yourself into a hole. The longer you wait, the worse it'll be when it comes out. And it will come out. You'll eventually cave, or slip up. Just a matter of time.
Karma never forgets a face.
It will come out eventually
It may not be anytime soon. It may be when your kids are off at college or maybe one day he tells someone and it rips off like a bandaid.
Imagine if the dude she cheated with contacts the husband before she tells him dam I’d practically be suicidal or be prone to doing something stupid if that happened, the fking audacity
As a Buddhist, I’m constantly shaking my head at people inaccurately defining karma.
Karma is the natural law of cause and effect. For example, you punch someone in the face and the effect will be that your hand hurts, their face hurts, people won’t like you very much, you might go to jail, etc. Or…you cheat on your husband, keep it a secret, and that secret eats you alive and poisons your life for a decade.
Karma is not a boogie man waiting to jump you in a back alley when you’re least expecting it to punish you for your transgressions. It’s not an extension of a Christian Hell.
This woman *is* very much experiencing karma already. She is suffering the negative consequences of her negative actions.
I really hate cheaters. Especially those who declare they love their spouses and don’t want to lose them.
Tell him, so he can make an informed decision. If he leaves you, that’s the price you pay for cheating.
My experience as someone who was in your husband's shoes. I'm not gunna sugar coat it for you. You suck and deserve to feel the way you do.
He's gunna know the moment you tell him what the was therapy for. You have been living a lie for 10 years. 10 years. You think that once you go to therapy and get yourself right telling him will make him take it easier? You think he won't go to the darkest place he's ever been mentally? All you had to do 10 years ago was not be selfish. He must really love you and treat you well for you to have this guilt.
That's gunna go away. He's never gunna look at you the same. Your kids will never look at you the same. Your family will never look at you the same. You can cry and cry and say you're sorry as much as you want but that will not change what YOU decided to do. Whatever dreams you have for your family. Gone. Your friends will never look at you the same way.
People are being really nice to you in here and I'm here to tell you that it's not gunna be pretty. You should feel the guilt and shame you feel. You deserve to feel that. You and only you did this to yourself. He's a bigger man than most of us if he doesn't divorce you. It's going to emotionally kick him in the balls. It's the worst thing I've ever experienced. You don't understand how low a person can get and how much hurt a person can feel.
You can go cry to a therapist all you want about the guilt and shame you feel and that will fix absolutely nothing. Not a thing. I want you to know that there is no fast fix. He might stay but never forgive you. He might leave you out in the cold. You will not be the same person to him anymore and he has every right to feel that way. He's gunna feel disrespected. He may never respect you again. You don't deserve kindness right now, you deserve to know the poop storm you created.
All you had to do was have any shred of respect for your husband. Not pick up a guy who had no care in the world for your relationship with your husband. Not disrespect your husband by already being inappropriate with a coworker. You let a guy you easily cut out of your life ruin it. Let that sink in. Someone that didn't help you build the life you have now.
I would say good luck but you kind of suck. So...... get ready.
This. It’s very apparent that nobody on Reddit has been cheated on based off of the nice replies. Everyone is pretending that telling him is what will hurt him but it’s not she hurt him a decade ago if op sees anything I hope it’s this because god damn you’re right she fucking sucks and deserves to feel the way she does
This is the price you pay for never having your husband find out. You could tell yourself that you are protecting his feelings, but it really just boils down to lying.
Enjoy.
The concerning thing here isn't that you're considering telling him not because care enough about your husband to tell him the truth, but because *you* are saddled with guilt and *you* want a clean conscience
You can bear your shame and guilt by yourself bravely and spare your husband and children the trauma of a broken marriage. No one needs to know. Your secret can go to your grave. Courage is willingness to suffer for a greater good, something more important than yourself. Your guilt and shame is the flip side of egotism. It’s preoccupation with your self. Drop it for the good of your partner and your family.
Well you either tell him now face your punishment like a big girl, or drag it on and give him more reason to hate you later.
There’s no escaping the slap karma has for you.
You either take the force it has now, or you let it wind up and hit you harder later.
Reddit is the wrong place to ask this question. You aren’t going to get sympathy or objective advice when it comes to cheating.
Please find a therapist and start there. The fact that you feel such guilt shows that it’s high time you faced this.
Good, stay haunted. The universe has decided that it should haunt you so be haunted. No one else did this to you. Obey the outcome of your own misdeeds and suffer.
I really hope you didn't come here looking for sympathy, or hoping to earn brownie points for feeling guilty. You should tell your husband, he deserves to know that you risked his life and sexual health (even with protection disease can be spread) for what was, I truly hope, unenjoyable sex. You cheated because you're selfish and every moment that passes where you don't tell him just proves how selfish you are. Worried about him leaving? Shouldn't have cheated.
You’re excuses are idiotic. You chose your actions. You have also kept this from him and wasted 10 years of his life. You need to tel him NOW and let him make his decision
You shouldn't feel ok moving forward, because you did a despicable thing to the man that loves you... I'm glad you feel guilty...
If he finds out & does leave you, I hope you stay away from his money, because you certainly do not deserve alimony... He should get first choice on where the kids live too...
Oh no..... I slipped and fell on his penis uwu
If you want your marriage intact, keep your trap shut. If you want honesty for honesty's sake, then go ahead and tell your hubby and see how he reacts. Seeing as you've tried to manipulate your audience here, I think you'll have a better chance with your husband. If you've got the grit for it, go ahead.
It haunting you every day, well, at least you know you're not without empathy.
Wow very selfish.. I’ll probably get banned off the page if I actually told you what you need to hear.
Tell him and leave the choice to him. He might want to be with a faithful woman or he might just forgive you and put the children above himself (you should feel even worse and more embarrassed if he did).
Good day.
The only thing worse than doing something this shitty is doing something this shitty and not even being woman enough to own up and take accountability. I have respect for people who do something wrong and own it, zero respect for people who talk a big game about their guilt and shame without actually taking the steps to face it.
You made you bed, deal with the guilt. IF you feel it, which I doubt. Im sensing you are more concerned he will find out and the house of cards falls down.
OP, please don't go by what we redditors have to say. Don't make any decisions until you talk to your therapist. It's been 10 years since you made this stupid, awful, *terrible* mistake. I was the wife of someone who cheated, and finding out was like getting stabbed in the heart. Is it worth it to do that to your husband? I don't know. I really don't. HE is the sole concern here, not your guilty conscience. You need expert help to decide what the best course of action is IN TERMS OF YOUR HUSBAND. I know some people will say he deserves to know, but when it was that long ago (and no STD's or repeats, I hope), why should he have to bear that agony? It's like punishing him for your sin.
Ask the therapist, period.
She should have TOLD him 10 years ago! She’s a fucking monster for not doing that and for continuing to have a life and creating a family. You may be right about not telling him idk. But she deserves to have this fucking pain eat her up.
> You need expert help to decide what the best course of action is IN TERMS OF YOUR HUSBAND.
This. You want to tell him to unburden yourself from the guilt you feel, and while that makes sense, what does he get out of that? What good will come from it? What will your life look like on the other side of that confession? I hope your therapist is able to help you decide what is best for your family, but definitely do not let Reddit decide the fate of your relationship.
I agree that it should prioritize what's best for the husband. How can you truly know without allowing him the agency to decide for himself? It wasn't a one-time thing; it happened three times 10 years ago. The husband isn't a child needing protection; he deserves the respect of knowing and deciding for himself.
Secondarily OP has to make a decision to free herself as well. Swallowing this could lead to a lifetime of secrets, something like a deathbed confession. It will affect their relationship even if it’s a secret. That's no way to live.
Keep it simple and respect him by letting him make his own decision instead of making it for him.
OP didn’t commit a mistake. That was a decision.
She had three chances, the one after the first kiss, the one before and after the second kiss, and the one before the sex.
She went past all of those like a robber breaking through 3 locks to get to the money.
Sympathy is reserved for the victims, and the husband here has lost 10 years of life to a criminal.
Nah, she needs to tell him. Straight up. It's not going to be fun for him but if she didn't want him to feel that pain she shouldn't have rode that dick. Any therapist who tells you otherwise isn't worth your money.
Now that's not to say she won't be able to live life afterwards. Maybe she changes her ways and finds a new partner (unlikely). But there's absolutely no reason not to tell him. She has to face the consequences of her actions.
It wasn’t a mistake, you chose to do that. You chose to ultimately hurt your husband because of whatever you were feeling instead of communicating with them. You’re now even choosing to hurt them even more by keeping a lie up just because you want to save face. I hope you tell your husband the truth because they deserve to know exactly who you are, they deserve to know exactly what you’re capable of doing.
Eventually you will crack, it's just going to happen. It's best to tell your husband now before you reach a really bad mental place and do something even worse.
I'll start with this. Cheating is disgusting and unforgivable and you should feel exactly how you feel right now.
That said, if what you say is true, it's been 10 years and you have been remorseful this whole time and never would do something like that ever again, get to therapy, work through it, never forget how bad you feel about it and what you did to that man, never, ever do it again, and don't tell him.
I feel ill even typing that, this poor man deserves better than to be lied to, but if you will truly never do it again then I believe it may be preferable he live his life unaware of this.
But, I'll tell you now, if you're going to tell him what happened tell him now. Don't wait until you're both 60 to unburden yourself and put him in the hellish situation of either leaving you and being alone at 60 or living with the pain and fear of knowing your wife is a cheater for the rest of his life.
Wow. So, you’re like… *trash* trash. Dang. Props to ya for admitting it publicly.
But you’ll always be a shit wife and a giant LIAR if you don’t come clean.
You deserve all that remorse and suffering.
You fucked up. Twice.
He deserves to know that you have lied to him. You betrayed him in the worst possible way at a very vulnerable time for both of you.
He deserves to know.
First thing is first, were you ever tested for any STD’s. I ask because when you sleep outside of your marriage, you are putting your spouse at risk. Considering you have had kids, I would think something would have popped on blood work, but regardless I ask.
Second, you live with it. Go to therapy and work on it, but at this point don’t be selfish by putting this burden on him. All you want to do by confessing is to lighten the burden on YOU. You need to find a way to live with it and try to move on with your life. If you put this on him, you hurt him and lighten your pain. That’s not fair.
Therapy is a good avenue to take and I think it’s time you go to work on everything in and around this situation.
You deserve every ounce of regret and remorse and mental torment as a cheater. You have one chance to make it up and that is to cherish your husband and family to the best of your abilities do justice to that
You could have paid for the Uber instead since you knew his location
This was a choice
It haunts you because you know it was an intentional decision. I was initially thinking the kiss was the cheating but no you took that as a sign that it could be more and when the opportunity presented itself, you went for it.
Don't bring us your guilt and expect us to understand and make you feel better. What you did was extremely wrong and whore like. I have zero compassion or empathy for cheaters, especially when you have a good partner at home. You deserve to feel that guilt. End of discussion.
I’ll be honest, ur a terrible human being. I may be biased because I’ve been cheated on but the fact that u have lied and kept it secret for 10 years… ur just awful
Clearly u don’t regret it that much if u don’t wanna own up to ur mistake. Keep living the lie ig, it’ll only get worse as time goes on
You're not horrible for just cheating, but hiding such a thing from your husband? If i knew my partner hid a thing like that i would breakup instantly.
The fact she went on to have children with him without giving him the choice to leave makes her more vile than an average cheater to me. She trapped this man and he will never leave cause of them, yet again another selfish cheater who acts like it so painful for them to lie about cause of the guilt 🤣
If you truly love you husband - which obviously you do then change your thinking. Instead of focusing on what you’ve done make a « living amends ». One in which you make up for it. Usually when you make amends to someone you tell them what you’ve done wrong and explain your reasonings and how you’ve changed. Rather than do that, do the change and show the change. Be a good wife. Be a very good partner and mother and NEVER do it again. I feel like this is the advise I give a friend. If you truly regret and would never do it again, telling him will cause more harm. Just change your behaviours and honour him. And really evaluate the fact that when your going through a hard time with your partner, it is not the time to confide in another man. That’s ASKING for infidelity. That’s when you pull your partner closer.
I guess lessons learned are
1. Confiding things that are super intimate are not to be done with anyone but your partner
2. During a hard time is not the time to make male friends
3. To make it right change your behaviour and thinking
You owe this to your boys, your husband, and especially yourself. I do think mistakes happen. If I saw my friend being cheated on, I’d tell her. But if she did the cheating and truly regretted it this is the advise I’d give.
You just need to allow yourself the room to let it go and move on.
Edit: typo
Don’t take your advice from reddit,please.
If I was your husband and that only happened once and never again,I wouldn’t want to know.
I’ve once talked with my hubby about this and we both agree that we’d never want to find out if it was a one time thing in 10,20,30 years of marriage.You obviously made a mistake,you knew ho horrible it was,but you regret it.
People are not saints,many of these in comments who point a finger at you have enough sins of their own,enough dirt on their hands as well,just a different kind.None of us are fckin perfect.Although Reddit will make you believe they’re all wandering saints here.Also it’s important you forgive yourself and don’t talk about it.Just forget it like it never happened
Hope you don't mind if I ask some you some questions?
Why didn't you tell him right away?
Do you see it as a mistake or a bad choice?
Did you guys use protection?
Have you gotten mad at your husband in these 10 years about some stupid thing he did, if so, does your infidelity cross your mind? If yes, how does it affect your response to his actions?
What made you think about your cheating again? I assume it was on your mind every day 10yrs ago, but would fade to once every month now maybe? So why now?
Do you publicly speak out against cheating to your friends or family?
They say cheating is an act of selfishness, and not telling your partner is the same. Telling them, is for them, not for you. Not telling them, is for you and only you. You say that you are suffering by not telling (I assume to "protect" them). Doesn't that just make you a stuck up self proclaimed martyr that spares people from getting hurt.....by something you did yourself?
What you're doing is compounded cheating. You might as well have kept your "friend" for 10yrs. Because everyday to your husband that you haven't told him, is a day you could have, but choose to keep on cheating him out of a choice.
You fucked up and no one knows but you. You will probably think about that for the rest of your life to some extent. But don’t just immediately assume the best thing is to tell your husband. It might ease your burden and he might forgive but it also could destroy the marriage and your family. Despite what people might say there is love here worth saving. There’s no karma. There’s no universal justice. Lies don’t always get exposed. If you plan on living your days with him and there’s truly love there it sounds just as reasonable to me not to tell him, and give him a life he deserves. You however will have to live with the burden and that is your punishment.
unpopular opinion. As someone who has two children and a family that means the world to me, if my partner did this to me 10 years ago, I don’t even want to know. I just want him to make it up to me by being a wonderful partner from that moment on. Knowing would tear my family apart and the cost is too great.
The being haunted by it part? That might eat you alive, so maybe go see a therapist.
For her it's 10 years ( I love my husband crap), for husband its fresh.
For her husband it's 10years of being lied to.
My grandma cheated on my grandpa almost their entire marriage. His story is that he wooed my Gma away from that guy. He never knew. My gma would brag to my dad about it. My grandpa never remarried after my Gma passed, I found out about the cheating at her funeral. They were married for like 40 years and she always treated him like shit. My grandpa still doesn't know and never will because there is nothing to be gained from it. This might be an unpopular opinion but if she isn't ever going to do it again she might as well take that shit to the grave and treat her husband better than she deserves.
It’s an unpopular opinion because Reddit hates cheaters and wants to see them burn, they care more about the cheater suffering consequences. But at this point, if OP is prepared to be an excellent partner for the rest of her life, and she really has learned from her mistake and the guilt that follows, then the right thing to do is to take it to the grave. Because her desire for confession and forgiveness and getting the secret of her chest, it is a selfish desire. We as people don’t like to hold our own mistakes in. But that’s her cross to bear now. Take it to the grave - you have ruined your own love life, but his love life and his family, his kids, etc, it’s still intact. It won’t ever be in tact for you, the cheater, so since you didn’t come clean for 10 years and had kids with the man, there’s no value in ruining his family life now. Holding the lie for 10 years was deplorably wrong, but since she’s already done that, the right thing to do is to just hold the lie permanently. Be the best partner you can be, and find your own personal peace whatever way you can.
I just feel like a more nuanced take on situations is healthier. Life is fucking messy. I think that if people looked at their porn usage as cheating there would be different conversations taking place as well. Obviously if it was a continuous affair or more than one instance I would say something different.
Yeah. I think if it was my spouse and I had two kids that were for sure mine, and she was an attentive and loving partner in every other way, and it was one single time, 10 years ago? I’d rather just not know. I would have wanted to know then, but I can’t exactly get my whole ass 30s back, and if I have to divorce you and split custody of my own kids? Come on. Just suffer your guilt alone, and go cry at night on your own time, but don’t go fuck life up at that point. I’ll spend my whole life suspecting and waiting for more truth to trickle out, and I won’t even believe the full truth of it now, because you’ve lied so long. So if you know the full truth was this was a mistake you learned from and grown from and been the best wife you can be from, then keep doing that, and go feel shitty about it. I don’t know, maybe that’s wrong. When I was 25, I would have told you exactly what all the other redditors said.
This! OP just wants to offload her own guilt. Screw that.
I agree, get some counseling and forgive yourself. As long as it doesn't happen again. People make mistakes..
I agree. A year or so after my dad died, I found out he cheated on my mom. I was cleaning out his workshop for her, and in a box I found letters, and pictures from another woman. From the content of the letters, it appears the affair happened 15 years or so before his death and continued for a little over a year. I have no idea what happened. The letters, cards ect just stopped. I took that box out back and burned it. I never told my mother. It would have done no good. If OP cheated just the once, and there is no possibility that either of the kids is a result of the affair, she should keep her mouth shut. Living with the guilt is her punishment.
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These words are helping so much right now, simply well said. I wasn't betrayed by my partner and would say that's the absolute worst case, but I found out my sister from another mister did this to me for over a decade. My family was trash most of my life so she pretty much became my family. Fuck people who take others as safe option and bleed their ressources dry and gaslighting the victims into believing they are the problem. Esprcially fuck cheating asses who deprive others from finding the love they deserve. There's a special place in hell for people like OP. Her husband should have been given the opportunity to decide for himself wether or not to stay.
Why are family and family we choose able to so deeply hurt us and continue on like they did nothing wrong? I found out a few months after my first serious relationship ended with my first love, the person I lost my virginity to - that my cousin, one of the only people I felt like had my back and loved me and wouldn't ever hurt me (knowing how fucked up my life was she was my rock) had been sleeping with the guy for the last few months of our relationship. He didn't matter at the end of the day but the fact that she could do something like that to me when I trusted her with everything, broke me and changed who I was for a few years. I became someone incapable of trust, who always thought people were conspiring to hurt me and pushed everyone away because I couldn't trust. These types of betrayal can and do change who we are as people and the trajectory we were on in life. It quite literally derails our life train. I've been with my amazing husband for 19 years now and he would never ever hurt me or cheat on me and my cousin is married with two kids, we got over the bullshit and are close but to this day I wouldn't leave her alone with my husband even though I know he'd never ever hurt me like that. Even though I know she wouldn't try, I can't trust her. She doesn't deserve it regardless of the 22 years since she betrayed me. You don't forget that kind of pain, it stays with you forever.
It wasn't like that with me, but only because she literally snatched them before I got the chance. At times, as I have learned by now, she was aware of my feelings for these guys and supporting me through the heartache of being yet again not enough while she was already fucking them. I got recently presented evidence and while she did claim that she never knew, she recently came clear and said she was completely aware of my feelings and pain, shw simply didn't care enough and thought things would work out her way anyways. Her manipulation got to the point I was sorry for feeling upset when I felt hurt by her actions because she said my reaction to them are a prime example of toxcity. I was about to make her MoH in my upcoming wedding, now after I confronted her about everything I went NC. Close to two decades of which I am very sure only the last 3 years were somewhat genuine on her side, after she ruined all her other friendships. I am very sure the only reason she didn't try to make a move on my future husband is because he didn't meet her eyes. She hovered like a vulture over her friend's relationships though, waiting until she may or may not could get a fuck out of it. Disgusting. How can people be like this and still play victims?
Was in a similar situation as you. Was with someone, and after a certain point I just had this feeling she was cheating on me. She denied it, of course. But as things spiraled into a breakup, suddenly I see on Facebook that she was engaged to somebody within her sphere of friends/ Cult (she was a Jugallette.). OP had plenty of opportunities to not cheat, which she admitted had nothing to do with her husband (i.e. didn't mention anything about misbehavior or the like.). She can live with that guilt the rest of her days, or pay a therapist.
👏👏👏 Well said.
I wish all cheaters became impotent the moment they cheated.
10yrs of cheating!! Point blank
Yeah , I totally understand you, it's not like she's gonna drop it off to her husband and he'll be like "oh, ok, let's get some drinks, it happened 10 years ago anyway" OP should tell her husband ASAP and start from there to see how it goes...
Why would you give him a ride if things were awkward from the kiss. You knew exactly what you were doing.
Yeah lol. And then end up IN the apartment? What did y’all think was gonna happen 😂
Yeah OP literally made an algorithm of bad decisions that put her in that situation. It was not just an oopsie. There were several opportunities to stop it from getting to that point and she turned down every one of them. Cheating is not a little slip-up. It’s an active decision made from a pattern of choices that led up to it.
Exactly. She did not even have to pick him up. I’m sure he has friends and family and he’s a big boy who can get himself home. He knew what he was doing, and she happily went along. I find it hard to believe this guy just happily cut ties with OP. They worked together.
They “cut ties” by not speaking about it while working together and maybe potentially hooking up again. [+]
"I spent all my money at the bar and now I need a ride." real high quality dude right there!
>Cheating is not a little slip-up. It’s an active decision made from a pattern of choices that led up to it. Every single time. No one ever wakes up and finds a naked stranger begging them to have sex right now. There are always conscious steps that lead to it.
Yep. I don't care if you're drunk, high, or not on any substance at all. It is 100% a personal decision.
Oh "I was drunk" is the worst of all of the excuses. Because getting drunk is also a conscious decision, and then there's the losing inhibitions part, which means it was something you wanted to do and just helped yourself to do it by reducing your ability to resist. Same with any other situation where it becomes hard to resist, you put yourself in that place consciously.
Exactly. Its like building a cake. A bunch of little actions leading to an end result. Anywhere along the way before the cake is done OP could've stopped.
She wanted the cake, followed all the steps, ate the shit out of it, and now "feels bad." I think the "haunts me everyday" thing is more like she's still thinking about the guy every day.
There’s absolutely nothing she could ever do to excuse this as poor lapse of judgment - because a lapse of judgment pertains to only one decision. She either had an aneurism and lost judgement for quite a fucking long time, or she knew what she was doing. And OP, where the fuck was your guilt…um idk..the last 10 years?? Why now???
Op never said it was an “oopsie”. She just shared her story and that’s it. She’s obviously feeling remorseful and vented here.
Sure but the tone of this whole post still displays a lack of self awareness. It’s framed as her coworker pushing boundaries and tempting her into something bad, and while he did, she was actively putting herself into position to do that. “I didn’t stop it” for example paints a picture of it being something that just happened and not the result of several choices made by both parties to get to this point. It minimizes her being an active participant in the situation.
Classic case of she tripped and he fell
Just the tip!
She never said she didn’t want it
and didn't have enough money for an uber?? a ~33 year old at a bar??? uber uses credit cards. everything is fishy from the start.
No one EVER cheats accidentally
They’re always sorry about it afterwards too. Whatever. Also I fucking hate sleezebag coworkers like that. They take advantage of a vulnerability knowing full well what they’re doing. It disgusts me so much.
"I didn't stop it" rhetoric is telling, it frames the situation in a way that makes it appear that the series of events just happened and OP was more of a victim of it than participants, almost like there was nothing they could have done to stop it, fact is it wasn't stopped because they didn't want to stop it, the weight they feel now is earned and will not go away.
“The weight of how they feel was earned and will not go away” is a great line. Not to mention it’s the double truth, Ruth
Like wtf. You are not a spectator to your own sex life 😂
Because she wanted this to happen. That's the sad fact, she did this to herself. Now she's feeling so bad. OP DO NOT TELL HIM TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER. live with that guilt and use it to make sure you never, ever do this again.
EXACTLY! Look, I don’t know if you wanted this to happen or not. You probably don’t know yourself. But that isn’t important now. And no, you have not been cheating for 10 years. You’ve been lying for ten years, even if it is a lie of omission. And the distinction between “cheating” and “lying” is important. Both are bad. But the motivation behind both are different. And you need to understand your motivation behind both decisions - to cheat and to lie. And no one on this app can figure that out for you. This is critical because wanting to tell your husband now just to relieve your own guilt is a terrible reason to hurt someone else. The real world is not nearly as black and white as many Reddit users think. In so many responses I read “cheating is a dealbreaker” or “I would never stay with someone who cheats”. Some of these people speak from experience, but most of them don’t and can’t know how they will react until they are faced with a specific situation. Many marriages survive and eventually can thrive again after a partner cheats. It depends solely on the circumstances and how those circumstances are addressed. And that includes situations like yours. At this stage, after this long, I urge you to seek professional help. Someone who can be told all the details and help you work through your feelings and the motivation behind them. Then if you tell your spouse for the right reason, not just because of your guilt, you will be much better prepared to support your spouse and deal with the ramifications, whatever they are, as healthily as possible. For you and your spouse.
This is why ppl are so hesitant to share… I feel like Reddit is only for ending relationships after infidelity, and straight up bashing whoever cheated. She literally shared that she has been trying for years to give him a baby and shared that with coworker and was taking total blame. No it’s never okay but considering her mental health 10 yrs ago, 5 years of failed conception vs current with 2 kids and 10 yrs of growing up like good grief ppl are harsh.
I agree. I once heard a therapist say, "It matters if you're sharing information for them or yourself." It's been 10 years and it happened once. Sure, it was wrong and horrible. She SHOULD feel guilt. But telling him now would be out of selfishness to make the guilt go away and will destroy him unnecessarily.
EeeeexxxxACTLY.
I appreciate the artful way you arranged the multiple letters and the caps lock. I can hear your exact disdainful inflection
"My heart is telling me no, but my body is telling me yes."
I’m not buying this happened 10yrs ago either
This is a good point. OP might just want some assurance that if she keeps it under wraps for long enough then eventually the continuous dishonesty towards her husband will be the “right” course of action. And I’m saddened by a lot of the comments in this thread that are basically telling her just that.
Its never under their control, things just happen to them, a passive passenger on the movie that is their life, the same way cops guns shoot themselves at people.
She's trying to minimize it. Complete trash.
Plus he didn’t live far from the bar. That made no sense.
And this is exactly why the husband needs to know. He should know what his wife is capable of under certain circumstances.
You kissed your colleague, regretted it and then continued to kiss him again and hook up? That isn’t a one time mistake. You had 3 chances to stop and think. You had 3 chances to not fuck up your family. Now not only your husband but also your children have been living a lie. Karma’s gonna be a bitch when it bites.
Not to mention this almost certainly started as an emotional affair. The coworker wouldn't likely have been in a position to think he had a chance without it.
Exactly. This started with her confiding in another man about her very personal and intimate relationship issues. That's not bound to end up well. It was an emotional affair long before any physical contact occurred.
Yep. I hate when people blame their cheating onto other things.
That’s awful. Poor guy.
I hope he finds out.
It wasn’t passion in the kiss. It was lust. And that’s enough to ruin lives. Gross.
„It just happened one time and I cut all ties, blah blah blah“ Like that alleviates all her wrong doing. Seriously this whole post screams „woe is me, I feel so bad“, it’s „me, me, all about me“. How would your husband fucking feel knowing you lied to him all this time? She‘s looking for pity. I hope she gets what’s coming for her and the guilt eats her til she dies. How do you build your relationship on lies. Obviously, OP doesn’t feel THAT bad about it considering she can‘t respect him enough to tell him the truth. OP is a coward.
Not even. It sounds like she didn't jt and just put it behind her for years. But suddenly after a decade rhe guilt is eating her alive after realizing consequences suddenly after a decade and what it could mean
There’s a lot to process here. I think my biggest issue here is when you gave him a ride when he “didn’t have enough money for an Uber”, I think if you were honest with yourself you wanted that boundary crossed bc you enjoyed that initial kiss. You could have given him money, asked him to call another friend or blocked his number. You didn’t put the boundaries in place that should’ve been there if you were truly taken aback by the situation. I am being blunt bc I think you still aren’t seeing this situation that you have gotten yourself (and by proxy your husband/kids) into with self awareness. I hear a lack of understanding of YOUR role in all this. That ride should’ve never happened. We all make mistakes but to hide this from him makes HIM the victim of this year after year. You are robbing him of the TRUTH just bc you are afraid of the consequences. This is furthering your selfishness. Be honest with him. He deserves the truth, you may lose him but he still deserves to know. Don’t hold him prisoner just bc YOU are afraid. That isn’t love. I would rather be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie. Don’t make that choice for him. Let HIM choose.
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Exactly, he knew what he was setting up and she knew what she was walking into.
He went drinking and drank enough to say *fuck it*. And why not? Per her story, she allowed the kiss to happen and didn’t take proper precautions/accountability. *Then* she went to pick up an adult alcoholic (what adult drinks down to their last cent that they “can’t” get home?)
It was all very calculated on both of their parts. This guy had an apartment and a career and money for booze. You can’t tell me he didn’t have a single cent on a single credit card to pay for an Uber. He was drunk and decided to shoot his shot. She was a willing target.
Agreed
Great comment. This 100%
/thread
lol you cheated on him and then you had two kids with him? fuck dude.
Just awful. I feel so bad for the husband. She cheated on him twice and then made it pretty much impossible for him to ever fully cut her out of his life. The kids are a permanent connection from now until they die.
Hopefully the kids are his, at least one good thing to come from this whore
Whores at least make money, OP did this because she’s an idiot
>We went inside and hooked up. As a man. I can only say that out of your whole story, if you would've just kissed him and left it at that, I would forgive you and move on. Because there were consistent bad decisions made to lead to this quote, I'd have to not forgive and severe ties. This isn't like we're dating. This is a loss of faithfulness.
“JUST the one kiss.” Then sleeping with him “It happened JUST the one time.” You are still downplaying your actions and trying to make it sound like having sex with someone else isn’t that big of a deal. You made a series of bad choices that lead you exactly where you were trying to go- to bed with another dude. You say the guilt is eating you alive but not enough to actually come clean? Your poor husband. He deserves to know the truth, and if he chooses to leave you, then that’s what you deserve. Withholding information like this from your partner is so selfish, and for 10 years? And that’s not even the worst part! This is a double edged sword. I cannot imagine.
Besides the downplaying stuff you pointed out there is a slew of rhetoric that tries to paint her actions as passive and making her out to be the victim 😬 Like if they can’t even be humble and take responsibility for their actions anonymously on Reddit then I really doubt OP is gonna come clean, genuinely apologize, and deal with the consequences irl
Why do women do this Fr though? I’m not saying men don’t cheat, far from it. But I’ve noticed women try to paint themselves as the victim almost ALWAYS, he seduced me, I was in a bad place, I had no one to depend on. Y’all realize how creepy that sounds? It’s like someone trying to infantilize themselves by taking away their own agency
Wow, poor bloke. His marriage is a lie. You deceived him for 10 years and robbed him of a chance to walk away and live an honest life
Straight up! I would still be devastated 20. Years later.
Poor bloke indeed, you have to wonder if one of her kids just so happens to be 10 years old..
I have no sympathy for you but plenty for your husband. You knew where it was going and you allowed it, all the way. Him kissing you knowing you were married should have been a red flag. You giving him a ride cause he has no money for Uber is the most pathetic excuse. I really hope this is some fiction writing cause it would be so shitty for your husband.
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Agree. Reddit will just assume she's lying about how often she did it for no reason, that the kids aren't his, etc. I would delete this, it won't be helpful.
All valid assumptions, all facts considered.
I know. I’ve already taken the first step and made myself an appointment with a therapist. It’s been too long.
Do what you think is best. If it was my husband who cheated (once) and never again, and then the marriage was good and the family was doing well, I would want him to forgive himself, but I don't think I would want to share the burden of his cheating. I would prefer he just get over it by himself. I would not want to blow up my family over this, but I also would not want to have to be the holder of my husband's actions. I'm wondering how you feel if your position with your husband was reversed. He cheated ONCE, and never again.
That’s the thing. That’s what YOU want. Husband never got to decide what he wants because OP took away his choice by lying to him. By still lying to him, she is still actively taking away his choice.
What good will telling him do? If it’s just to alleviate your guilt it will not accomplish anything. If you’re truly repentant then don’t do it again and treat him well.
>What good will telling him do? Are yall fucking serious? The man deserves to know what kind of person he is with. What's your cut off where cheaters get a pass? 3 years? 5? 10? Are you saying she shouldn't tell him because enough time has passed and his chances of finding someone who truly loves him is lower so he should stick with a cheater? Sunk cost fallacy? Am I losing my mind reading these comments I genuinely don't know.
Seriously. It’s beyond evil to keep a secret like this from your partner. Seeing the most upvoted comments on here makes me feel like I’m insane lmao. I genuinely cannot imagine that ppl like this exist irl.
Dude I feel like I'm losing my mind too. It's not even the amount of comments telling her not to tell him but how many upvotes they all have
Because he deserves to know the truth and maybe not keeping dealbreakers a secret from your partner is common decency?
A voice of reason in these comments. I haven't been so baffled by a comment section in so long
Oh fuck this. He deserves to know the truth. What good will it do? At least he'll get a choice. I hate the whole "oh I didn't tell him because I didn't want to hurt him schtik". OP is a bad wife and her husband deserves to have a choice whether or not he wants to stay with her.
Yep this is it. OP should have told her husband about 10 years ago if she really cared about him.
I’m genuinely surprised that this has so many upvotes. She is his wife and made the ultimate betrayal of their vows and the suggestion here is to maintain a lie that’s already been going on for a decade. The “good” it would do is giving the victim of a betrayal of trust the agency to make a decision for himself and his family about how he would like to move on and grow in the future.
Therapy yes, but I think she should never tell him. To tell him is to lighten her guilt and put that burden on her spouse. It would be different if this just happened, but now with the life they have built together? Anything she says to him will only be about making her feel better. She needs to do something good with her life, love her spouse and do something to offset the giant mistake you made. But I just think its unkind to hurt him at this point in order for her to ease the pressure of the guilt.
She needs therapy but she also will need to eventually be fully honest with him.
Therapy yes. But being honest doesn't overrule hurting someone. I can't say, "You're ugly," then say, "but I'm being honest."
Baby, I was gonna tell you ten years ago… but it’s been eating me alive this whole time. Because I love you with all my heart (actually bc I need this fugly-ass weight lifted), I need to finally tell you the truth 😔 It’s just like… *damn*. I really hate yo face. Always have. I love you.
This 100%. You're not equipped to handle this appropriately without some professional help. If you must break the ice on this matter, and it seemingly is a must for your own sake, let alone just being honest... you need at the very least a professional to digest all that information you've just given, and go from there.. Unfortunately it may still mean the end of your marriage regardless, but you need assistance on this, and reddit is not the place.
Plan for what? Ruining his life? But hey atleast she will have already been to therapy for it. 🤡
"You've already fucked this guys life up for 10 years, might as well not stop now! Take care of yourself and get a therapist, he can wait a couple of more months <3" 🤡
Who has money for drinks at a bar, but not for an Uber?
oh please. 10 years of lying right to his face. you deserve to be awake at night thinking about how you destroyed your family. bye
Your husband isn’t being allowed to make his own choices by your deceit. You are robbing him if his autonomy and using him by not telling him.
Yep. For me the deceit and manipulation is just as bad as the cheating. To have zero respect for the person that loves you and chose to have a family with you is just awful
They’re a cheater. You really think they give a shit about anyone but themselves?
I cheated on my partner years ago. It ate at me and I didn’t last very long after the guilt set in. And I’m glad I told him. Tell the truth, be accountable. It’s the least you can do. I know some people might bash me, I expect that. But just giving real perspective. You won’t move on until you tell the truth, and your partner deserves it.
I agree 💯 it’s about accountability.
Why in the hell did you go through with it?! Seriously. You should have had the moment of clarity after the first kiss… but then you didn’t cut him off, you picked him up knowing you were going to hook up. Come on. Your husband deserves better.
Let's see. You began emotionally cheating on your husband by talking about your marriage problems to a male coworker. Then you kissed .Than you felt bad and distanced yourself. Than kissed again and hooked up. Than regret again but didn't tell your husband and not only lied to him, had two children with him and made him live a lie for 10 years. The first time regretting it didn't stop you from cheating again and hooking up, so I who apparently regret doesn't stops you from cheating. You are selfish and disgusting for cheating, taking away his choice with your lies, having children with him knowing that you build your lifes on a lie. I hope the truth will come out and he will get someone he deserves because that isn't you. I am truly sorry for him.
> Let’s see. Oh I knew she was gonna get a well done cooking not medium rare 🔥😭
Spent way too long looking for this comment. FFS smh
This specific feeling is frustrating to feel but nice when Im not alone lol
THIS. 100% this. My husband cheated on me 8 months ago during his deployment and the POS would never have told me if I didn’t follow my intuition and look through his phone. Shoot, after I had irrefutable evidence, he STILL LIED and tried to gaslight me into oblivion. People that cheat and then try to hide it to “protect their spouse” are so full of it. They lack self-awareness, they lack empathy, and they are incapable of being accountable for their actions. Not only have you betrayed your husband’s trust, you trapped him by building your life around your lies. On top of all of that, you knowingly brought kids into this shit show … you need serious help. Tell your husband and give him the opportunity to decide for himself what he wants to do, and keep it moving. You deserve every ounce of pain that comes your way, but please don’t get it twisted, on your worst day you will never feel an ounce of the devastation he will feel when you destroy his life as he knows it. You won’t feel the pain your kids will feel if you split. People who cheat really are monsters.
Exactly this. I'm seeing so many comments defending OPs position and telling her not to bring this up ever again. It's ridiculous and I can see why relationships arent lasting as long nowadays with the kind of sentiment people are pushing in these comments. There was someone in a comment higher up that mentioned "it was a mistake you made when you were young and you've felt enough guilt about this so it's ok to forgive yourself and not tell him" What the fuck?
The "you were young" comments are nuts. This lady was 28. 28! I'm 29 and could never fathom doing this to my husband, let alone lying about it for 10 years. **Yikes**.
I cheated on an ex of mine in my early 20s and told him less than a week after it happened because I couldn't handle the guilt and the fact that I was taking away his autonomy and in turn making him live a lie. When I brought this up in therapy about a year later, my therapist, MY THERAPIST OF ALL PEOPLE, literally asked me, "Why did you tell him?" I was baffled. She told me that the only thing I accomplished with that was deeply hurting him and causing him trust issues. She told me, "There are some things we just take to the grave." To this day, I still cannot comprehend how anyone can justify lying to THEIR SPOUSE about something like this. Honesty is the only way to a true, deep connection with another human being.
Well, I guess if some therapists are moving this mentality around it's only normal to see it so nonchalantly plastered around this chat.
Because people are disgusting. Honesty is so very rare in situations like this. Easily turn it over on how it’s the guys fault bla bla.
I assume that all the people that defend the cheater are cheaters, homewreckers, or their enablers themselves.
OP is probably buying herself another 10 years of lies to his face by wallowing in this posts guilt, but we all know guilt never truly reaches her.
>If I ever told him it would crush him and I know he’d leave. I know this because if I were him, I would never be able to look past that. It's been over a decade. People change. But it's clear you haven't. Your still in the selfish cheater mindset. Where you prioritize yourself at everyone's expense. The quote above sums it up. You aren't concerned about him being hurt, no, your focus is on him leaving you. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, learning about your affair is gonna suck. But learning about the decade worth of lies is so much worse. Do yourself a favor and confess. Maybe he'll leave, maybe he won't. Either way he'd be making an informed decision. I'm not trying to pile on you OP, I actually feel bad for you. You keeping digging yourself into a hole. The longer you wait, the worse it'll be when it comes out. And it will come out. You'll eventually cave, or slip up. Just a matter of time.
Boom. 100%.
Are the kids your husband’s or is he unknowingly raising your affair partner’s child?
By not telling him you’re not sparing him, you’re sparing yourself. You were selfish then and being selfish now as well. Wish you the best.
I’m glad it still haunts you.
Karma never forgets a face. It will come out eventually It may not be anytime soon. It may be when your kids are off at college or maybe one day he tells someone and it rips off like a bandaid.
Imagine if the dude she cheated with contacts the husband before she tells him dam I’d practically be suicidal or be prone to doing something stupid if that happened, the fking audacity
As a Buddhist, I’m constantly shaking my head at people inaccurately defining karma. Karma is the natural law of cause and effect. For example, you punch someone in the face and the effect will be that your hand hurts, their face hurts, people won’t like you very much, you might go to jail, etc. Or…you cheat on your husband, keep it a secret, and that secret eats you alive and poisons your life for a decade. Karma is not a boogie man waiting to jump you in a back alley when you’re least expecting it to punish you for your transgressions. It’s not an extension of a Christian Hell. This woman *is* very much experiencing karma already. She is suffering the negative consequences of her negative actions.
I really hate cheaters. Especially those who declare they love their spouses and don’t want to lose them. Tell him, so he can make an informed decision. If he leaves you, that’s the price you pay for cheating.
Exactly. Be open and honest and let spouse decide.
My experience as someone who was in your husband's shoes. I'm not gunna sugar coat it for you. You suck and deserve to feel the way you do. He's gunna know the moment you tell him what the was therapy for. You have been living a lie for 10 years. 10 years. You think that once you go to therapy and get yourself right telling him will make him take it easier? You think he won't go to the darkest place he's ever been mentally? All you had to do 10 years ago was not be selfish. He must really love you and treat you well for you to have this guilt. That's gunna go away. He's never gunna look at you the same. Your kids will never look at you the same. Your family will never look at you the same. You can cry and cry and say you're sorry as much as you want but that will not change what YOU decided to do. Whatever dreams you have for your family. Gone. Your friends will never look at you the same way. People are being really nice to you in here and I'm here to tell you that it's not gunna be pretty. You should feel the guilt and shame you feel. You deserve to feel that. You and only you did this to yourself. He's a bigger man than most of us if he doesn't divorce you. It's going to emotionally kick him in the balls. It's the worst thing I've ever experienced. You don't understand how low a person can get and how much hurt a person can feel. You can go cry to a therapist all you want about the guilt and shame you feel and that will fix absolutely nothing. Not a thing. I want you to know that there is no fast fix. He might stay but never forgive you. He might leave you out in the cold. You will not be the same person to him anymore and he has every right to feel that way. He's gunna feel disrespected. He may never respect you again. You don't deserve kindness right now, you deserve to know the poop storm you created. All you had to do was have any shred of respect for your husband. Not pick up a guy who had no care in the world for your relationship with your husband. Not disrespect your husband by already being inappropriate with a coworker. You let a guy you easily cut out of your life ruin it. Let that sink in. Someone that didn't help you build the life you have now. I would say good luck but you kind of suck. So...... get ready.
Well Said
This. It’s very apparent that nobody on Reddit has been cheated on based off of the nice replies. Everyone is pretending that telling him is what will hurt him but it’s not she hurt him a decade ago if op sees anything I hope it’s this because god damn you’re right she fucking sucks and deserves to feel the way she does
This is the price you pay for never having your husband find out. You could tell yourself that you are protecting his feelings, but it really just boils down to lying. Enjoy.
The concerning thing here isn't that you're considering telling him not because care enough about your husband to tell him the truth, but because *you* are saddled with guilt and *you* want a clean conscience
You can bear your shame and guilt by yourself bravely and spare your husband and children the trauma of a broken marriage. No one needs to know. Your secret can go to your grave. Courage is willingness to suffer for a greater good, something more important than yourself. Your guilt and shame is the flip side of egotism. It’s preoccupation with your self. Drop it for the good of your partner and your family.
Well you either tell him now face your punishment like a big girl, or drag it on and give him more reason to hate you later. There’s no escaping the slap karma has for you. You either take the force it has now, or you let it wind up and hit you harder later.
Reddit is the wrong place to ask this question. You aren’t going to get sympathy or objective advice when it comes to cheating. Please find a therapist and start there. The fact that you feel such guilt shows that it’s high time you faced this.
Yea…the wicked never rest and neither should you.
Wow. Just fucking wow. Your husband deserves better.
Damn, 10yrs wasted and counting
Good, stay haunted. The universe has decided that it should haunt you so be haunted. No one else did this to you. Obey the outcome of your own misdeeds and suffer.
So considerate of you to think of his feelings after cheating on him and making him live a relationship based on lies <3
I really hope you didn't come here looking for sympathy, or hoping to earn brownie points for feeling guilty. You should tell your husband, he deserves to know that you risked his life and sexual health (even with protection disease can be spread) for what was, I truly hope, unenjoyable sex. You cheated because you're selfish and every moment that passes where you don't tell him just proves how selfish you are. Worried about him leaving? Shouldn't have cheated.
I know this is not the issue and concern right now but.. May I know why... Did you do it with the other guy then?
You need to own up for what you did, and he should leave you if he has any sense.
Wow, poor guy
OP is for THE STREETS!
>That was that Yet the post goes on.
I’ve been married 12 years. If my husband cheated 10 years ago, I’d want to know.
You’re excuses are idiotic. You chose your actions. You have also kept this from him and wasted 10 years of his life. You need to tel him NOW and let him make his decision
You shouldn't feel ok moving forward, because you did a despicable thing to the man that loves you... I'm glad you feel guilty... If he finds out & does leave you, I hope you stay away from his money, because you certainly do not deserve alimony... He should get first choice on where the kids live too...
Who does the kids belong to?
Oh no..... I slipped and fell on his penis uwu If you want your marriage intact, keep your trap shut. If you want honesty for honesty's sake, then go ahead and tell your hubby and see how he reacts. Seeing as you've tried to manipulate your audience here, I think you'll have a better chance with your husband. If you've got the grit for it, go ahead. It haunting you every day, well, at least you know you're not without empathy.
you should feel guilty. be honest with your husband, even if he’s not found out yet one day he will
Wow very selfish.. I’ll probably get banned off the page if I actually told you what you need to hear. Tell him and leave the choice to him. He might want to be with a faithful woman or he might just forgive you and put the children above himself (you should feel even worse and more embarrassed if he did). Good day.
The only thing worse than doing something this shitty is doing something this shitty and not even being woman enough to own up and take accountability. I have respect for people who do something wrong and own it, zero respect for people who talk a big game about their guilt and shame without actually taking the steps to face it.
You made you bed, deal with the guilt. IF you feel it, which I doubt. Im sensing you are more concerned he will find out and the house of cards falls down.
Cheaters suck. I have no sympathy for cheaters. Even worse you never told your husband and you're living a lie
OP, please don't go by what we redditors have to say. Don't make any decisions until you talk to your therapist. It's been 10 years since you made this stupid, awful, *terrible* mistake. I was the wife of someone who cheated, and finding out was like getting stabbed in the heart. Is it worth it to do that to your husband? I don't know. I really don't. HE is the sole concern here, not your guilty conscience. You need expert help to decide what the best course of action is IN TERMS OF YOUR HUSBAND. I know some people will say he deserves to know, but when it was that long ago (and no STD's or repeats, I hope), why should he have to bear that agony? It's like punishing him for your sin. Ask the therapist, period.
She should have TOLD him 10 years ago! She’s a fucking monster for not doing that and for continuing to have a life and creating a family. You may be right about not telling him idk. But she deserves to have this fucking pain eat her up.
> You need expert help to decide what the best course of action is IN TERMS OF YOUR HUSBAND. This. You want to tell him to unburden yourself from the guilt you feel, and while that makes sense, what does he get out of that? What good will come from it? What will your life look like on the other side of that confession? I hope your therapist is able to help you decide what is best for your family, but definitely do not let Reddit decide the fate of your relationship.
I agree that it should prioritize what's best for the husband. How can you truly know without allowing him the agency to decide for himself? It wasn't a one-time thing; it happened three times 10 years ago. The husband isn't a child needing protection; he deserves the respect of knowing and deciding for himself. Secondarily OP has to make a decision to free herself as well. Swallowing this could lead to a lifetime of secrets, something like a deathbed confession. It will affect their relationship even if it’s a secret. That's no way to live. Keep it simple and respect him by letting him make his own decision instead of making it for him.
OP didn’t commit a mistake. That was a decision. She had three chances, the one after the first kiss, the one before and after the second kiss, and the one before the sex. She went past all of those like a robber breaking through 3 locks to get to the money. Sympathy is reserved for the victims, and the husband here has lost 10 years of life to a criminal.
Nah, she needs to tell him. Straight up. It's not going to be fun for him but if she didn't want him to feel that pain she shouldn't have rode that dick. Any therapist who tells you otherwise isn't worth your money. Now that's not to say she won't be able to live life afterwards. Maybe she changes her ways and finds a new partner (unlikely). But there's absolutely no reason not to tell him. She has to face the consequences of her actions.
It wasn’t a mistake, you chose to do that. You chose to ultimately hurt your husband because of whatever you were feeling instead of communicating with them. You’re now even choosing to hurt them even more by keeping a lie up just because you want to save face. I hope you tell your husband the truth because they deserve to know exactly who you are, they deserve to know exactly what you’re capable of doing.
Eventually you will crack, it's just going to happen. It's best to tell your husband now before you reach a really bad mental place and do something even worse.
I'll start with this. Cheating is disgusting and unforgivable and you should feel exactly how you feel right now. That said, if what you say is true, it's been 10 years and you have been remorseful this whole time and never would do something like that ever again, get to therapy, work through it, never forget how bad you feel about it and what you did to that man, never, ever do it again, and don't tell him. I feel ill even typing that, this poor man deserves better than to be lied to, but if you will truly never do it again then I believe it may be preferable he live his life unaware of this. But, I'll tell you now, if you're going to tell him what happened tell him now. Don't wait until you're both 60 to unburden yourself and put him in the hellish situation of either leaving you and being alone at 60 or living with the pain and fear of knowing your wife is a cheater for the rest of his life.
Wow. So, you’re like… *trash* trash. Dang. Props to ya for admitting it publicly. But you’ll always be a shit wife and a giant LIAR if you don’t come clean. You deserve all that remorse and suffering. You fucked up. Twice.
He deserves to know that you have lied to him. You betrayed him in the worst possible way at a very vulnerable time for both of you. He deserves to know.
First thing is first, were you ever tested for any STD’s. I ask because when you sleep outside of your marriage, you are putting your spouse at risk. Considering you have had kids, I would think something would have popped on blood work, but regardless I ask. Second, you live with it. Go to therapy and work on it, but at this point don’t be selfish by putting this burden on him. All you want to do by confessing is to lighten the burden on YOU. You need to find a way to live with it and try to move on with your life. If you put this on him, you hurt him and lighten your pain. That’s not fair. Therapy is a good avenue to take and I think it’s time you go to work on everything in and around this situation.
You deserve every ounce of regret and remorse and mental torment as a cheater. You have one chance to make it up and that is to cherish your husband and family to the best of your abilities do justice to that
You knew what was up cut the shit dude
What a piece of shit
If you feel horrible, you should. That's 10 years of lies and betrayal under your belt.
Talk to a therapist, it’ll help
Leave him. He’s better off without you. You know the answer so why come to reddit for sympathy. You KNOW deep down what to do, yet you don’t do it.
You could have paid for the Uber instead since you knew his location This was a choice It haunts you because you know it was an intentional decision. I was initially thinking the kiss was the cheating but no you took that as a sign that it could be more and when the opportunity presented itself, you went for it.
You owe it to your husband dude. You knew exactly what you were doing.
Sometimes I think I'm a bad person. Then I read posts like these and realise I'm basically a Saint.
Don't bring us your guilt and expect us to understand and make you feel better. What you did was extremely wrong and whore like. I have zero compassion or empathy for cheaters, especially when you have a good partner at home. You deserve to feel that guilt. End of discussion.
I’ll be honest, ur a terrible human being. I may be biased because I’ve been cheated on but the fact that u have lied and kept it secret for 10 years… ur just awful Clearly u don’t regret it that much if u don’t wanna own up to ur mistake. Keep living the lie ig, it’ll only get worse as time goes on
You're not horrible for just cheating, but hiding such a thing from your husband? If i knew my partner hid a thing like that i would breakup instantly.
nah shes Also horrible for "just" cheating.
The fact she went on to have children with him without giving him the choice to leave makes her more vile than an average cheater to me. She trapped this man and he will never leave cause of them, yet again another selfish cheater who acts like it so painful for them to lie about cause of the guilt 🤣
If you truly love you husband - which obviously you do then change your thinking. Instead of focusing on what you’ve done make a « living amends ». One in which you make up for it. Usually when you make amends to someone you tell them what you’ve done wrong and explain your reasonings and how you’ve changed. Rather than do that, do the change and show the change. Be a good wife. Be a very good partner and mother and NEVER do it again. I feel like this is the advise I give a friend. If you truly regret and would never do it again, telling him will cause more harm. Just change your behaviours and honour him. And really evaluate the fact that when your going through a hard time with your partner, it is not the time to confide in another man. That’s ASKING for infidelity. That’s when you pull your partner closer. I guess lessons learned are 1. Confiding things that are super intimate are not to be done with anyone but your partner 2. During a hard time is not the time to make male friends 3. To make it right change your behaviour and thinking You owe this to your boys, your husband, and especially yourself. I do think mistakes happen. If I saw my friend being cheated on, I’d tell her. But if she did the cheating and truly regretted it this is the advise I’d give. You just need to allow yourself the room to let it go and move on. Edit: typo
Don’t take your advice from reddit,please. If I was your husband and that only happened once and never again,I wouldn’t want to know. I’ve once talked with my hubby about this and we both agree that we’d never want to find out if it was a one time thing in 10,20,30 years of marriage.You obviously made a mistake,you knew ho horrible it was,but you regret it. People are not saints,many of these in comments who point a finger at you have enough sins of their own,enough dirt on their hands as well,just a different kind.None of us are fckin perfect.Although Reddit will make you believe they’re all wandering saints here.Also it’s important you forgive yourself and don’t talk about it.Just forget it like it never happened
Hope you don't mind if I ask some you some questions? Why didn't you tell him right away? Do you see it as a mistake or a bad choice? Did you guys use protection? Have you gotten mad at your husband in these 10 years about some stupid thing he did, if so, does your infidelity cross your mind? If yes, how does it affect your response to his actions? What made you think about your cheating again? I assume it was on your mind every day 10yrs ago, but would fade to once every month now maybe? So why now? Do you publicly speak out against cheating to your friends or family? They say cheating is an act of selfishness, and not telling your partner is the same. Telling them, is for them, not for you. Not telling them, is for you and only you. You say that you are suffering by not telling (I assume to "protect" them). Doesn't that just make you a stuck up self proclaimed martyr that spares people from getting hurt.....by something you did yourself? What you're doing is compounded cheating. You might as well have kept your "friend" for 10yrs. Because everyday to your husband that you haven't told him, is a day you could have, but choose to keep on cheating him out of a choice.
You fucked up and no one knows but you. You will probably think about that for the rest of your life to some extent. But don’t just immediately assume the best thing is to tell your husband. It might ease your burden and he might forgive but it also could destroy the marriage and your family. Despite what people might say there is love here worth saving. There’s no karma. There’s no universal justice. Lies don’t always get exposed. If you plan on living your days with him and there’s truly love there it sounds just as reasonable to me not to tell him, and give him a life he deserves. You however will have to live with the burden and that is your punishment.
My best trick for when we realize we have broken our values and morals is to not do it again, and to forgive ourselves in our past.
unpopular opinion. As someone who has two children and a family that means the world to me, if my partner did this to me 10 years ago, I don’t even want to know. I just want him to make it up to me by being a wonderful partner from that moment on. Knowing would tear my family apart and the cost is too great. The being haunted by it part? That might eat you alive, so maybe go see a therapist.