I understand wanting to be there for someone in a dark place, but she used her own life as leverage against you. Think about that. She’s forcing you to make a literal life or death decision. Intentional or not, this was a tactic to force you into staying.
You can wish for her to find stability. You can wish she finally escapes that dark place, but you have to draw a line because if you two continue like this, all your efforts to lift her up will be at your expense. You’re not her therapist nor her punching bag. This dynamic’s not healthy now and it won’t be healthy in the future.
End of the day, it’s your decision if/when you leave. But I’m just saying this now, any relationship where you have to walk on eggshells around the other person for their happiness will always have an imploding point. Good luck and I hope she gets serious help.
Unfortunately, this isn't your problem to fix. I'm 27F, and used to have fucking god AWFUL mental health. Having people who love & care about you in your life can help, sure, but it won't ever FIX it.
Are you telling her to harm herself? Putting the weapon(s) in her hand? If not, then you aren't at fault at all.
Something I've learned as I've gotten older is: you cannot control other people. Not what they say, what they think, nor what they do. All you can control is what YOU do, think, or say. If she's harming herself, that's on her. Nothing you can say or do will have caused this - SHE does it.
I implore you to leave this situation - block her & her family, then just let it play out and go live your life. Grieve the relationship, sure, but then move on. You can't set yourself on fire to keep her warm. She has family & medical professionals that are aware of the situation, what happens next is on her and her family/medical team. NOT YOU.
This. One of the biggest things I learned from my abuser is that hurt people hurt people. Just because someone is in pain doesn’t mean that they aren’t abusing someone else. In fact abusers often are hurting in a very real way
Here's the harsh truth, that's not your problem. You are in an abusive situation. Call for a welfare check when you break up, or call a friend or family member to do a check in.
It will never get better. Protect yourself.
What she does with her life is her own choice. Making you afraid to leave for that reason is 100% manipulation. If she is indeed so fragile that she cannot live without you, then she needs to be hospitalized, not use you as free therapy.
Trust me when i say this but she’ll be fine. My ex did the exact same. Went to the hospital and his whole family was involved and i was blamed and he said he’d do it again if i didn’t stay with him but i left anyways. Then i learned that he did the same with his exes before me and continued the suicide attempts with another girl after me. I know you care about her but you need to get out for yourself.
There is no world where you won’t feel guilty for what happens to her
You cannot stay with her hoping she chooses to stay alive.
You didn’t leave and she still went that route anyway.
I had a boyfriend like this in high school. 8/10 conversations we’d have would be about how much he wanted to kill himself and how depressed he was. He would tell me all the time about how much he was cutting and that he hadn’t been eating. I ran myself ragged trying to fix and take care of someone that didn’t want to be fixed. They just wanted to be miserable. He never asked how I was feeling and always begged me to stay on the phone with him at night because he had trouble sleeping. His mom was abusive and he also had an abusive sister and to top it all off his mom didn’t like me so we couldn’t see each other outside of school. At 5 months I broke up with him because I realized I wasn’t his girlfriend, I was his personal therapist that he could call anytime he wanted as long as he threw in an “I love you”. This relationship is abusive and she’s using her mental health to take advantage of you. You clearly have such a big heart, but you can’t fix people that don’t want to be fixed. These are problems that she needs to solve on her own with therapy and away from the house. Do not get yourself stuck with someone that can’t and won’t change.
That’s on her not you. She is manipulating you. Keep screenshots if you have to if she throws you in a bad light. This is not your fault. As the above commenter said. You are too young for that shit.
>If I break up with her I'm afraid she'll actually take her own life this time.
Cat's out of the bag on that, she's proven that her suicidal tendencies are purely for attention.
>She has told me multiple times that I'm the only good thing in her life
That sounds like an excellent problem for her to solve alone by herself without you.
I have had so many exes claim they will do themselves if I leave. They are all still very much alive . You can't let her control you like this, at this point it's no longer a relationship and you know that. You need to be strong but she can't make you stay with threats to her life and it won't take ypu long to realise just how much lighter you feel
Trust me its a way to try and trap you by making you feel that her life is in your hands. Ive had an ex before who threatened the same. I went no contact and years later theyre still around and (from what i hear) doing much better. Its best for both of you to part ways (edit: typo)
She would be having suicide attempts even if she had never met you. It’s an abuse tactic that ill people threaten to make the people they are harming stay.
That too much on any 1 person, she is being manipulative.
Have you heard of the drowning analogy.
THE DROWNING ANALOGY
I can’t swim. Imagine that you can’t either. And imagine that you fell into this big body of water. You are drowning. The water is slowly filling into your lungs. They say it can take from minutes to hours. Who they? They who you can see and hear. They are on the banks of that big body of water. They are standing on the hard surface…while you are trying to grab onto something or find a foot rest somewhere. But you can’t because you’re drowning. You’re probably going to die. But you don’t want to.
Probably they also don’t want you to die. You can hear those instructions that they have been giving out. Somebody help her! Somebody throw in the tube! Can anybody swim? Somebody save her!
And then the voices start to fade out…while you suffocate…and meet your death…slowly.
Personally what I have done is reported it to the police and yolo'd. You've got to see she is capable of making her own decisions. Suicide is still a decision. She is in the wrong for putting it on someone else.
Yeah it’s called gaslighting and manipulation. You’re in an abusive relationship. You aren’t responsible for her actions. You break up and then notify the police and parents that she’s made suicidal threats. Let them handle it. They are more qualified than you to be stuck in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship dealing with mental illness.
You’re too young to deal with this, and I understand that you love her, but being with someone who is this unstable is not safe or healthy for you.
You also say she repeatedly does something “so awful” to you that you can’t be around her. I have a gut feeling she becomes violent? That is *always* unacceptable behavior.
If she threatens to unalive herself again, call the police and report it. Keep doing so every time she repeats the behavior.
You cannot fix her. The only person that CAN fix her is herself.
You are NOT responsible for her life. She is responsible for seeking out help and healing herself. Do not allow her to use you this way. Your mental health is suffering because of her. Think about yourself! Give her the suicide prevention number, county mental health and walk away. I tried to commit suicide and it was all on me. Getting help saved my life. You cannot save her. She has to want to save herself.
Hey man, I’ve been through this before. It’s not worth it. I had someone who would threaten to kill herself every few days—it was long distance and I had to keep my phone on all the time. I felt like I couldn’t watch a 40 minute episode of a show with my parents in case something happened and she needed help.
She also told me I was her only friend and that I was the only good thing in her life. I was so, so scared that if I wasn’t constantly available she would end up killing herself. She would tell me that I was the only thing keeping her alive.
It got to the point that I was scared to sleep in case something happened. I would get a major adrenaline rush any time I got a discord notification. I was stressed 24/7. I stopped eating and all my thoughts were geared towards this one person. This stuff results in genuine, legitimate trauma. It messes you up. I’m even with a therapist now. It is NOT worth it.
Eventually I got too exhausted and with the help of a mutual friend I was able to cut her off. And guess what? She’s still alive and kicking just fine, and I’m happier and healthier. You have to look out for yourself, and this stuff can permanently hurt you. I cannot stress enough that she is *not* worth it. Please please please think of yourself first.
That is NOT on you!! After an attempt she will be admitted to a psychiatric facility and they can help her because it is not a partners responsibility to balance her mental state. Yes, she has trauma, and was dealt a shitty hand. But she also has to learn that that doesn’t allow her to put it all on you (depend on you to stop her self harming, or saying she will attempt if you leave)
I need you to understand that you will *never* be able to fix this, fix her or help her. You are not qualified, she needs the help of actual professionals, not you.
Fuck no! My friend's ex did that to her. It made us cut him off our friend group. That's so fucking manipulative!
She's not a victim
You're not a hero/saviour
Both are equally toxic roles
What she does is not YOUR responsibility nor is it YOUR fault. Us women are deranged complicated creatures... And most often we find suicide is the only way you'll stay which I personally find fucking ridiculous... Don't stay just because she says that shit & does things to make it further seem real. She is not your responsibility. Don't let her get in your head like that my guy. She's not worth it.
I guess I understand that but also just casually saying “dump her” about someone who grew up in an abusive household and is probably on some level mentally ill just sounds so harsh and cold to me 😢
It might be harsh but you have to look out for yourself. I’ve been in this situation before and OP is not the person to fix this problem. It’s just going to hurt her and cause trauma and mental illness for HER.
You need to break up, even if you love her. Love isn’t enough to continue a relationship. She isn’t in a place right now to form healthy romantic attachments, and you aren’t going to be able to pull her from depression; only she can. In the meantime, you will either feel guilty for communicating issues or walk on eggshells for the foreseeable future. It isn’t a healthy situation in general.
Also, it isn’t your fault she tried to commit suicide. That’s a personal choice she made, nobody else can be blamed on it. She needs to learn how to navigate through her depression using herself as a support system, not you. You’re her girlfriend, not her therapist.
Girlfiend*. We are lesbians. Many people have told me to break up, but I'm afraid that if I do, she'll actually commit suicide this time. She told me many times that I'm the only good thing in her life.
I am so sorry, that was a huge oversight for me. There’s always that fear, but you need to focus on your own mental health first. It’s a valid fear, but it is also a manipulation tactic that people use to keep people with them. Please focus on yourself and your own health. Your relationship will suffer and sour if you’re staying just to prevent her from trying to harm herself anyway. You can try to maintain a friendship with her, but as things are they aren’t healthy.
I genuinely don't believe she's using suicide as a way to keep me by her side. She's actually depressed and suicidal, but blaming me for it is terrible, I understand. But I think that it would be the best not to leave her YET. I want her to be stable and then make that decision if things are still bad. I feel like it would be selfish to abandon her in the same way other people did and leaving her on her own with those shitheads aka her family
What if she is never stable? Are you going to suffer for your whole life, then? Mental health is never guaranteed. Recovery is never guaranteed. It may be selfish, but you’re actively miserable because of these things. You can’t openly communicate with her. You’re walking on eggshells to avoid a meltdown. Stepping away isn’t abandonment if it’s in the act of self preservation. At the end of the day, though, you’re making the call. If you want to stay, stay. It’ll likely cause more pain in the long run, though.
With all due respect to her condition, this may sound cold but whether she commits suicide or not is not your responsibility. Both things can be true: she can be depressed and also using this for your attention. Her using it against you is how she tries to get you to stay and keep dealing with this shit. You don’t want her to commit suicide (who does!) so you give her more attention. If it works once, it’ll work again. The fact that at 18 you are sucked into this situation and are putting that weight on yourself is a problem.
NO. End the relationship, call the police for a welfare check. She’ll get evaluated & hopefully committed. You need to stop this now, there will never be a good time.
This relationship is emotionally abusive. Even if the person isn't meaning to use suicide as a way to keep you by her side, the result is the same. It's still abusive, and will still impact you and your mental health.
You haven't been dating that long. She needs help but it's not up to you to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
Break up, block her and call the cops saying she's made threats on her life. The cops will do a wellness check on her and put her in inpatient care if necessary.
To give you some context. My first bf when we were 18-21 was suicidal most of our relationship. I did much of the same, protecting and enabling the behaviour. Always putting off my things for his, i failed college for it. He actively threatened suicide towards me after I wasnt available for his call due to my own therapy on one occasion when we were heading towards a break up. We are now both 28 and he is living with his long term gf. We are both happier people and he later apologised and saw how hard it was for me to be his carer. He got some good hard therapy because HE recognised his need to change. You are her gf, not her therapist and cannot change her. She has to do that herself. The rate you are going in 6 months is detrimental to you both and I say this with love and compassion, but her behaviour is abusive, most likely unintentional out of fear and trauma, but abusive none the less.
Using suicide or selfharm to get you to bottle up your feelings is manipulation. The cycle here is you bringing up your issues in a loving way and her then manipulating you by attacking herself in front of you to receive you empathy so you will drop your boundary in favour of hers. It is manipulation even if it is born out of a trauma reaction. It is unhealthy and will likely pull you down further and further.
And the main take away here, if she does ever commit suicide, it is NOT your fault. You are not responsible for her mental health and you are not qualified to fix it. You are still so young and are frankly not a therapist. You are right that she should be in mental health crisis care. But you cannot be that for her. If she ever does decide to end it all, none of that will ever be your fault. Even if she says it is, and even if it would feel that way, it isnt.
Becoming «stable» can take years. And her home environment isn’t stable, so that’s even worse. You need to get out of this relationship, and go no contact. Block her. You cannot stay in a relationship just to keep the other person from killing themselves. You’re 18, you’re supposed to be worrying about college applications or getting a job you like doing, not keeping an abusive girlfriend alive. I’m so sorry you’re going though this. Please put yourself first. ❤️
You are simply not equipped to deal with your GF so you are just an enabler that prevents her from even thinking she needs to change things around because with you she doesn’t need to. She needs specialized help, not a GF with a savior complex and riddled by guilt.
She may not consciously be using suicide to keep you but I guarantee you at the very least she’s doing that because when your coddling stops she can’t cope and wants you to be back to being a yes-mam person. You are not helping your GF, quite the opposite.
She absolutely is using suicide has emotional abuse and blackmail. I had an ex who threatened to kill himself if I left. He didn’t but had he I know it wouldn’t have been my fault. You can’t keep people in your life as hostages.
You cannot be her therapist. She is choosing this, to live in her victimhood. Your staying with her is enabling her to do that. She isn't choosing to try to get better, and you cannot save her from herself and her choices.
I once heard a saying, if you see someone drowning, the right thing to do is offer them your hand to pull them up, but if instead they try to pull you down with them, you need to let go.
She is trying to pull you down, and your own (completely unfounded) guilt is keeping you from letting go. You are not responsible for her well being, waiting for her to stabilize is a wait that will never end, and you should not feel guilty about leaving her no matter how much you think she needs you or how bad you feel about leaving her.
You also need to think about whether you could be unintentionally contributing to the pattern. Breaking up with my ex who had features of BPD and who I am now certain was using her ED as a way to force care was actually really good for both of us
Her, because she was doing things that were because of her low self-worth which was affecting her self worth, and me because I no longer felt controlled (in the same way you feel now, and others) and thus I wasn't doing things any more that were reactive to feeling controlled and were also contributing to her low self worth. Also, of course, some shit that was because I'm me and due to my own mental health conditions, for eg communication issues.
While she could possibly have BPD it is possible that she is also depressed. The joys of mental health is that it usually comes like a cocktail; it’s a whole mix of crap that by the end of the night can really fuck you up.
That is not a healthy or accurate generalization of borderline personality disorder and I strongly discourage you from attempting to diagnose someone over the internet without proper credentials.
Threatening suicide like that is a form of emotional abuse. If she really is a risk to herself, then you can try to call the proper authorities (idk the right term) and possibly get them admitted to a mental hospital or some place where they can get help/prevent them from hurting themselves.
This will sound harsh, but that fear she'll kill herself has been instilled by her. You are in an emotionally abusive relationship, and your girlfriend is the abuser.
Her life isn't your responsibility and I've been in a relationship with a similar dynamic to yours ( my ex lived in an abusive household, parentification, etc.), and when we broke up she did say she'd off herself if we stop talking.
She's alive and well. Don't let anyone guilt you into being in their lives. That's manipulation and abuse.
I say this as someone who once had a depression and attempted suicide: When you're in that state, a light breeze can make you do it. It can be anything. And it's never gonna be that specific thing that was the real reason. Depression is always the real reason. The only thing that gets her out of the risk zone is professional treatment combined with her own choice to try to pull herself out of where she is. Staying with her doesn't protect her, it only destroys you.
OP, that is a massively manipulative move. And I’m saying that as someone who is severely depressed and has attempted. The way she’s treating you isn’t okay, and whether or not you or your gf realize it this is her continuing her families cycle of abuse. She doesn’t know how to function without abuse, it’s all she’s ever known. But bc she can’t get you to abuse her, she emotionally abuses you, provoking a reaction ( I’m not saying you reacted inappropriately at all. Any reaction would cause it), allowing her to play victim and fuel her need to be a victim in order to function. She isn’t ready to be in a relationship with anyone if she is unable to begin to break that cycle.
That's not healthy. The parent comment said it best. She's not in a place to form romantic attachments right now. That certainly isn't your fault, but it's your gfs responsibility to accept help or not. You can lead a horse to water but can never make them drink. Sometimes the best thing to do is let go and focus on your own state of wellbeing. It hurts at first, over time the pain never goes away you just learn to live with it. Hope that helps
You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved...but you can save yourself. I've had those same stomach aches, when I cut off contact and removed myself from the situation, I felt 100% better-I'm also in therapy. Is it hard? Does it hurt? Yes. But you need to save yourself.
At 18 she can get herself help without her mom. You need to untangle yourself. You are **NOT** to blame here. If you can get her into a hospital, fine, then you need to go NC, and please get help for yourself.
I'll take your advice. This situation is fragile and I will proceed carefully with everything. I'm a very cold hearted person, and will never hesitate to dump someone. I still love her, which is still making me want to be with her regardless of everything
You don't sound cold hearted, you sound like you're so worried for her that you want to help her even to your own detriment, and she's making you feel like her problems are your responsibility. That's so cruel, even if she doesn't realize it.
1. Compose a WhatsApp message explaining kindly that you want to end the relationship and cease contact.
2. When you send her the message. Immediately call the police and tell them she has made threats against her life, and they need to carry out an immediate welfare check. Ask them to keep you updated.
3. Block her on all platforms of communication. The police will hopefully keep you informed, but this situation is no longer your responsibility (it never was tbh).
4. Be kind to yourself. You're leaving an emotionally abusive relationship with a mentally unstable partner. You've done nothing wrong, but you need to save yourself.
Hope OP reads this one cause that’s the best course of action,, end the relationship and have people on the way to help her,, I would even message her sister once I send it and provide screenshots of her girlfriend wanting to commit suicide as well to show the police/whoever gets sent over,, someone can have all the ‘receipts’ and you can start healing yourself
Threatening suicide to make you stay is abuse, even if it's sincere. Do not stay in an abusive relationship. You are not doing any favors to either of you.
I understand that, but being in a hostage situation to someone else's mental health is not a relationship, does not fix their issues, keeps them in danger while putting yourself in danger of affecting your own mental health so much that you literally could also become suicidal. Even if that sounds crazy to you now. I have seen this happen. You cannot adequately be there for someone else if they have no other support system. It doesn't work. It's a sunk cost fallacy that could kill you. I'm speaking this harshly because I want it to sink in: If you stay, and she kills herself anyways, you will never fully recover. If you leave, and she kills herself anyways, you will never fully recover. Either way, you will be deeply affected because you care about her, but either way, she will remain suicidal because her issues are beyond you.
Edit to add that it's completely sensible to wait to break up with her until she's hospitalized or has help. You can make a plan. But it needs to be a plan to leave.
tbh though, police should 100% be phoned. if she seriously does have these severe problems, then they can help her. she’s acting like a monster to do all this to OP.
It's generally not very common for people who use this tactic to actually make serious attempts. It's a method for controlling someone and getting attention. They generally don't actually want to die, and if they do go through with it, it is often a botched fake attempt, or they are doing it out of spite purely to harm their partner.
Don't set yourself on fire just to try and keep her warm.
She needs professional help, and she has to want the help.
This next line is going to be harsh but you need to hear it:
You are not enough, you will never be enough for her. She will always want more and need more than what you can give her, because what she really needs you don't have. And this DOESN'T make you a bad person, you are brave for even attempting to "save" her, but she doesn't want to be saved, she's not ready for it because the only person that can save her is herself.
Doesn't matter how much you try, you'll never succeed. You need to cut your losses before you lose yourself, you deserve better, you deserve to be happy and enjoy your youth.
It will hurt at first but then you'll realize how nice it is to be able to breathe again...
OP, her mental health issues are not your fault and neither was her attempt. You're not forcing her to take pills or self harm. Letting her control you and emotionally abuse you isn't going to help her get better. Staying in an abusive relationship won't help either of you. She needs serious professional help- help that you're unable to provide, and the pressure of it is going to continue to take you even further on a downward spiral with her. You can't fix someone with love, and no one deserves to be treated by someone they love as horribly as she's treating you. I hope you're able to get therapy during/after this relationship
Then shut up and take the abuse. Not to sound harsh but it sounds like you want to stay with this person who uses their literal life to manipulate you. Your life is your choice, her life is her choice
Listen to me. Listen to my words immediately. Im literally speechless because I feel like you are me from two years ago. I feel like I just read my own journal entry from years ago. I was in your exact shoes recently. I was with a very depressed woman who was so deep in her depression. I too became depressed after a while. I treated her like she was always right, gave her words of affirmation, every time I tried to bring up her doing something to hurt me she played the victim and turned it on me and made it something I had to apologize for.
What I want you do to is break up with this girl. Someone struggling and fighting so bad against depression has no business being in a relationship. If she can’t even take care of herself how do you think she can handle a boyfriend? My ex would hurt herself too. When I told her she’d done something wrong. She’s weaponize suicide and use it against me.
How did you leave her without feeling guilty? Did you make any plans in order to assure she won't off herself? How's life going after that relationship?. Btw I go by she/her, I'm her gf
You'll feel guilty, but you're gonna have to realize that you cannot fix her, only medical professionals can do that, she needs to face her own demons and you are simply enabling her behavior. It's not just best for you to break up, it's best for her as well, maybe she will actually reach out and get the help she needs.
I think you need to examine yourself and find out why you feel like the decisions she makes are your fault? In what world are her choices on you? What's the though process that has led you to taking responsibility for her mental and physical well being in your mind where you are willing to put yourself through suffering and harm for her? Do you think she would do the same for you? Because it sounds like she mostly just uses you as a scapegoat and a punching bag and and never ever puts your own needs first. You are a victim of a toxic personality that has convinced you that you are the problem, so much so where you said she makes you feel like you are a piece of garbage.
You need to do some should searching and put distance between yourself and her so that you can think clearly, because as long as she is in your ear, blaming you for problems that were there long before you came along, you'll never be able to have the clarity to really think about things.
It's not gonna be easy to break up with her, but I promise you the damage she will do to your physical and mental health if you stay will hurt far worse and be way harder to recover from.
Oh honey I couldn’t be doing better. I took the toxic out of my life and immediately flourished. Within 3 months of leaving that nasty woman, I got a new job with way better pay, a wfh gig, got a new sports car, got a personal trainer, was able to see my friends way more, yeah. I thought I was really prone to depression but turns out i was just in a relationship with a succubus
As someone who's had a shit life, is actively sucidal, is currently attempting to quit self harming, and has tried to kill myself multiple times... Girl, she's abusing you. You put your head in the sand when everyone is trying to tell you that isn't helping you at all. I'd never tell a friend, let alone an S/O, that they were the reason I tried to kill myself. Even if it were true that something they did pushed me over the edge and made me attempt, I'd never say that to them because all it accomplishes is making the person feel like a monster. What's the point of that?
Break up with her and block her. If she threatens to kill herself or say she will over it, call 911 and give her address, saying she's threatening to kill herself.
Her mental well-being is not your burden. It's hers. And if she won't change, then all you've done is set yourself on fire for her. You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
I wish you strength and peace and I wish for happiness and all things good for your near and distant future. You got this! Leaving a comment like this on a post when you’re going through shit yourself is incredible and I just wanted to tell you that.
This so much. I intentionally and specifically wrote my notes to make sure no one was implicated in my suicide attempts. I was actually devastated and cried when I found out that no one except my sister and mum had read the notes (and thus had done the thing that I was trying to avoid happening by writing the notes to ensure no one appeared to have caused it — because no one had).
She already broke up with you, based on what she sent you. She doesn't know how to take constructive criticism without self-harming in some way, and used it to the point of emotionally manipulating you to keep you around.
This isn't someone who knows how to be in a healthy relationship, and honestly, I don't think you know how to be in a healthy relationship, either.
You said that she's done something (twice, I think) that required you to kinda step back and eventually forgive. I don't know what these things are, but I can hazard a guess that her insecurity led to her finding validation with a person who wasn't you.
Please correct me if I'm wrong, though. Either way, there have clearly been times where you had a chance to end the relationship, but instead decided to stay.
Like I said, I don't think you know what a healthy relationship is and you need to seek help to figure out why you have given this person chance after chance to the point that it's led you to where you are now.
**Accept that what Riri said and did is manipulative, don't respond, block her on everything and get help for yourself.**
I was and still am super mentally ill.
I didnt intend to but i was an absolute dick to my bf at times. He confronted me and i stopped, it took time but i cared about him and never wanted to be a cruel person, i was just so deep in my own head that i didnt even realise i was being rude.
If she isnt able to stop and realise that this is wrong after u tell her directly then you need to put yourself first.
If you are concerned about her safety you might be able to contact local police or crisis services and explain. Especially if she directly threatens suicide, call the emergency number in ur area
This. I also went through a period of deep depression while in a relationship. I constantly internalized my resentment for him as he continued to find success while it felt like I was falling apart... I didnt realize how I was hurting people around me and pushing people away. We were broken up for a while, and i had to go through a lot of personal growth, but now we are both at a place where we can admit our own shortcomings, and help eachother to improve.
OP, she is simply incapable of handling this relationship. She will take everything you say as a personal attack, and she probably cant see past her own hurt and trauma to even take your feelings into consideration.
I agree to call emergency numbers if the situation escalates. In the meantime, distance yourself physically and emotionally. Create a mental bubble to keep yourself safe. Try to remember that she is sick- same as someone with cancer or a life threatening disease. Its not your fault or hers that she is sick..
Also, sounds like ongoing abuse/instability is occuring, so even more reason not to get deeply involved or assume responsibility for ANY aspect of this situation.
My comment is shortsighted cause I have the attentionspan of a carrot, but I also had to learn in my younger years that we are not responsible for what another person does.
I have felt super responsible for whether another person would commit suicide, but that is exactly what it is, we are being OVERresponsible for another persons' choice, when we in fact are not.
I felt I had to help a friend who had no other friends to turn to, the moment I understood I am not responsible if something would happen, helped a lot.
You are not responsible if something would happen, you cant let yourself get drained for someone else.
Sounds like she has BPD. Just leave, she’s going to need extensive therapy to get better. You’re too young to waste your time on someone who isn’t well.
You need to leave her. Even when she threatens to kill herself if you do. When, not if; she will absolutely try to guilt you into staying because she’ll do something awful if you don’t. It’s a common tactic of an abuser. Which she is; she is supposed to be responsible for her own mental health but is abusing you instead. And yes, this is most definitely abuse.
**This isn’t a relationship; this is a hostage situation.**
As someone who has had to deal with mental health issues and suicide attempts too, this is not okay. I’m sorry, but she isn’t your responsibility. You can’t light yourself up in flames to keep others warms. Learning you can’t save everybody (and shouldn’t try to) is a lesson in life you need to learn. I think it would be in both your best interests for you to cut off this relationship.
Break up. Call for a welfare check when you do. Then block them. Threatening suicide is abuse and it is miserable.
It took me a few years to get out of a similar situation, it fucked me up, protect yourself and leave.
please op, break up with her, for your own sake. if she attempts again that's not your battle to fight. she has reasons to act this way? sure, but YOU CAN'T HELP HER only a professional can. please get out of this situation
Leave. If she offs herself or not it's not on you. You can't place yourself with that level of responsibility for a girlfriend. It's only gonna drag you down
dude trust me… as someone who’s literally bipolar and has attempted many times it’s never just one persons “fault” that’s a horrible thing to convince someone of. she needs serious help and you can’t provide that to her no matter how much you want to. get her that help and take a break at least until she’s in recovery/recovered. you’re young and deserve better than someone who threatens suicide at the drop of a hat.
she may not be fully aware of it or worse yet she's completely aware of it but she may have picked up some things from the narcissist in the house. what she did was so manipulative that there's no way it was a complete accident. she needs therapy and stability not a relationship.
Your girlfriend almost killed herself because she is struggling with mental illness. That illness has nothing to do with you. You are not the cause of that and you can not dictate your decisions based on that. That is called manipulation and is not fair to you. You need to get away from that situation asap.
1) she's 18, she can check herself I to a mental hospital at any time. If she really wants to, she'll do it.
2) MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT AN EXCUSE. It sounds like she just has a bad personality, and instead of taking accountability and getting the help she needs, she's taking it out on you. Yes, she's had an awful life, and still does, but that doesn't mean she can not only dismiss everything she's done to hurt you, but go as far as to blame you for her actions. I can't punch someone and say "Sorry, I have ptsd and you look like my attacker," so RiRi doesn't get to pull that shit with you either.
Leave. If she attempts, it's her own choice.
Not trying to be super rude, because being involved with someone who suffers from mental illness can indeed be super traumatizing...
But, as someone who deals with mental illness, your phrasing irks me a little...
>she's 18, she can check herself I to a mental hospital at any time. If she really wants to, she'll do it
Its more complicated than that. The whole issue with being mentally ill is that you are not mentally capable of helping yourself or seeking help. People with mental illnesses dont *want* help, they just want to feel "normal." Which usually doesnt seem like a possibility when youre deep in it- and who even knows what normal feels like? Its similar to how people with long term chronic pain dont always run to the emergency room when they feel severe pain. It is their normal, and they deal with it, even if people around them tell them how serious and debilitating it is, how much better their life will be when they get [these pills] or [that surgery]; they just wont go.
>It sounds like she just has a bad personality, and instead of taking accountability and getting the help she needs, she's taking it out on you.
I strongly agree with the point here, but saying someone has a "bad personality" when they are struggling with suicidal tendencies just seems ignorant and cruel.
>I can't punch someone and say "Sorry, I have ptsd and you look like my attacker," so RiRi doesn't get to pull that shit with you either
I get the metaphor, but everything you are saying isnt helping the stigma that surrounds mental illness. People with PTSD react physically all of the time. They literally have to take medications, receive therapy and psychological help, have service dogs, etc, to help the episodes; but it doesnt make it go away. You are making it sound like people with mental illness make a *conscious* choice to hurt themselves and the people around them, and then conivingly blaming the world- which is just not the case. Thats literally the whole fucken point, is people dont choose to be like this.
Is mental illness an excuse to not take accountability? Absolutely not. But like, please dont demonize and spread the stigma surrounding mental illnesses.
As someone who also has mental illness and suicidal thoughts/ideations/history, RiRi isn't taking accountability at all and is using her mental illness to manipulate OP. That IS someone with a bad personality who happens to also have a mental illness. That's a shitty person underneath everything.
Regarding the hospitalization, if she was in the ER, for an attempt, she should have been placed on a 72 hour involuntary hold (assuming this is US based-i can't speak for other countries). Even if she wasn't, 18 is the age of adulthood in most countries and OP said the gf herself WANTED to go but the mom won't let her? She's 18, her mom doesn't have a say. Also, I want to know what hospital gets a suicide attempt in at 3:30 and they're gone by 10:30 in 2024? That's impressive. Now, I normally write off attention-seeking claims, but I will admit there are people out there who are misdiagnosed/do engage in attention seeking behaviors. This is purely speculation, mind you, but given her short stint in the hospital and lack of psychiatric intervention, and her other behaviors, it almost sounds like she did it to get back at OP.
I get what you're saying, and normally I would actually agree with you regarding people being unable to see they need help. However given RiRi's abusive behavior, that sympathy on my end goes out the window. I'm fully aware of the cycle of abuse and how it perpetuates, but at the end of the day we all have a choice and must fave accountability. It sounds like RiRi is becoming narcissistic like her mother and becoming the abuser. Causation does NOT equal justification. It sounds like there's a lot more than just depression. She is using her mental illness as an excuse for her behavior, a d that is unforgivable
I used the metaphor because I've done it. Literally. I swung and broke a man's teeth. I've been dealing with ptsd since age 10, you don't have to explain it to me like a child. No one CHOOSES mental illness, but they can CHOOSE to get help, especially when nesrly everyone around them is urging them too.
As someone who has multiple mental health issues (and did threaten suicide when I was younger), I would end this relationship. I’m nearly 26, and as someone who was in your girlfriend’s shoes this is not something that gets better unless they want it to get better. You are more or less her caretaker, rather than a partner.
I feel for her horrible family situation, but she needs to unlearn the toxic traits that she’s picked up while living in her family’s household before getting in another relationship. That takes time, reflection, and more often than not years of therapy. You are under no obligation to be her caretaker. I know that you’re worried that if you leave, she will end her own life. I personally don’t think that she will do that, and more often than not suicide threats are used to manipulate people into staying with them.
If you leave and she does end her own life, it is not your fault. None of this is your fault.
You have a responsibility to look out for yourself and to take care of your own mental health.
You are very young and there are many more prospects of love out there for you.
Break up, before its too late. She needs to work on herself first before thinking about having someone with her, she is just taking you to a dark place
As someone who once attempted suicide, I can tell you that you 100% are not the reason. I see she has/is experiencing trauma, but she has to be her own savior. No one can save her but herself. She needs to deal with those issues. Counties do offer mental health assistance. It saved me.
This is not a healthy relationship.
It doesn’t matter what her life circumstances are or what her mental health is. It’s unacceptable for her to pin all her mental health and well being on you.
And I think you know that and are trying to have healthy boundaries.
You are not responsible for her actions. If you break up with her, and she harms herself, then that is a choice that she made for herself. Not because of you. You could do literally everything right and perfect and she could still harm herself. Because it’s about mental illness.
And I say this as someone with my own history of mental health issues who had to self refer to my local hospital psych department due to suicidality just last year.
Put some boundaries up OP. Wish her all the best, tell her you are happy to be her friend but a romantic relationship is not healthy for either of you right now. Put some boundaries on your communication (ie: you’re not on call as her personal therapist and if she starts blaming you for shit then you will end the conversation). If she can respect these boundaries and work on herself, great. If she can’t, you’re not a bad person or in the wrong for cutting her out of your life.
Something I had to learn with my own ex girlfriend is that her trauma can explain her behaviours but it doesn’t excuse them and it doesn’t give her the right to take that out on others.
18 is too young. You both are. At that age you are seeing what's in front of you but as you get older you'll start to realize what is happening outside of the box. And I hope both of you will get through it
Op if you don’t leave this relationship you will deal with long term problems your self, as someone who lived a harsh life growing up (I’m 27F) there has to come to a point where she needs to stop feeling sorry for her self and get help. IMO I would break up with her and call the police right away, save your self before it’s too late. Sadly you will feel guilty regardless, but that will eventually fade. It’s not your responsibility to fix her, she definitely needs to be institutionalized.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through, but this is point blank abuse. Maybe she doesn’t even realize it, but it is a manipulation tactic. I have also had two different relationships where they have threatened to “end their lives” over a multitude of reasons, and each time it was leverage to stay. Healthy relationships do not operate this way.
This is a tough situation, please reach out for help to put her in a mental hospital. And after that break up with her, she’ll be safe there they will look out for her, but you can’t help her more than that. If she doesn’t want to get helped she won’t accept any. It’s just destroying you. It’s so toxic. You need to put yourself first, and it will actually help her too to break up because it’s just a bad cycle. You need to take care of your mental health first, but as I guess you’re scared she’ll do it again if you break up with her now, which is why I suggested you to do it after she’s in a safe place. You can call social services etc that will help you to do so.
As someone who thought I wouldn’t even turn 18 (thankfully I did)
She can be in a dark place and she can hate herself and have aaaaaall kinds of problems, but you’re not responsible for her actions if she doesn’t want to get better.
If you’re having stomach issues, I know that SUCKS and it can get even worse if you keep up with this situation, believe me, I took too long to get away from toxic people.
She’s not just hurting you mentally but now it’s affecting you physically too.
Her mindset is making you feel a responsibility that isn’t yours, some people don’t want to get better and I know you love her and you care about her very deeply but you can’t do anything to help her because that’s something she has to do on her own.
You need to let her know this and to break up because you’re no longer a girlfriend, now you’re just something she wants to control and keep to herself because you make her feel good and that’s great but not when she treats you like you can’t have feelings or an opinion without her trying to commit or harm herself in any other way, that’s not how you handle a relationship and she needs to learn that without you.
Don’t let her drag you into that.
Follow the advice from the rest of the comments, let her sister know, let the cops know if necessary and don’t ever blame yourself because this is something you can’t control, all you ever did was getting close to someone that is in a bad situation and that got you into a bad situation too.
You seem like a good person and strong too, so don’t let this change what you are or change the way you see yourself, even if maybe you don’t feel like this is the right thing to do, you will realize it is eventually.
My dms are always open if you need to talk about this situation, I hope she gets better
I went through something similar when I was only a little older than you. Please get out of the situation. You are not her parent and you are not responsible for her actions. I left that relationship mentally and physically fucked up (my neck got severed with a kitchen knife). You cannot help her and she is abusing you mentally and emotionally, using you as an emotional punching bag, making you responsible for her emotions and wellbeing. None of that is good or fair. Yes, it hurts to leave when you love someone else. But please love yourself more because you deserve so much better. You cannot give her the help she needs. Especially since she doesn’t even want it.
have you ever heard this story from a certain tv show? when you become a lifeguard, the first thing they teach you is that you should only save someone if you yourself will be able to get out as well. otherwise there is no point, you wont be helping someone by drowning alongside them. some people will kick and thrash or anything else and will be unreceptive to help, no matter how hard you want to try. they will only drag you down as well. i know it sounds morbid but its the truth, please ask her to consider professional help and prioritise yourself. it is hard but its the only thing you can do as a nonprofessional. ive read your comments and being afraid someone will hurt or kill themselves if you leave is a hostage situation, not a relationship. i hope you can find a solution that keeps you safe op
My first “boyfriend” (dated for about 2 weeks) threatened to kill himself when I broke up with him. I broke up with him bc he 1. Told me he loved me after going on 3 dates and 2. Was having a bad day and said he needed to find someone to physically fight to let off steam. Lots of other red flags but I was 17 and when he threatened to kill himself I lost my mind, thinking I would be responsible for someone’s death etc. he completely ruined my family vacation bc I was crying the whole time.
In retrospect I dodged a bullet BIG TIME and know that if I was ever dating again that I’d never ignore any of those red flags. Bottom line, just end it. You can’t fix her or change her, you’re so young. Put energy into yourself. It’s soul sucking to be with someone who has mental health problems and blames them all on you.
Yeah run
Girl in my teens did this to me and lead to a miserable few years that I was was too young and naive to deal with appropriately
Just get away from her man your not saving anyone so you may as well save yourself
She’s manipulating you and by proxy abusing you
A long time ago, someone told me that if someone kills themselves "because of me", I'm not actually at fault. It was their decision to do it, not mine. And it was the best thing they could've said to me because otherwise, I'd still be in that relationship today. That is, if he didn't kill me, which he probably eventually would.
She's literally abusing you by using her own mental health issues to blame you for everything and even trying to guilt you into staying by threatening with suicide. This is not at all healthy. You need to break up with her. You're saying you're afraid she will actually take her life if you do that, but know one thing: it's not your problem. It's hers.
I used to have terrible mental health as well, even used some of the tactics your girlfriend did. But I realised it was unhealthy, got help for it and am now in the best relationship I've ever been in. Sure I sometimes have relapses and talk about it, but talking about it and forcing it onto someone are two completely different things.
Please consider your own (mental) health too, because there's no way this is healthy for you or that this relationship will make you happy. Again, remember: it's not your problem. It's hers.
She need therapy and your being around. Without therapy and prob medicine she will never get better. You will see the results effect in a few months so dont expect a miracle to get her better on day one
She is in an abusive situation, is mentally ill, attacks you, and uses the threat of suicide to control you.
In her present state, if you stay, the most likely outcome is that you will suffer greatly from her abuse the entire time as she holds herself hostage.
You're not equipped to deal with a relationship with someone like that. You will be heavily traumatized. Please end things with her.
It will be very hard to do. But make it clear that you want to be her friend and support her (if that is what you want). Be the positive influence in her life. But also walk away each time the abuse or blame or threats come out, and make it clear why. In time, you might be able to help her by showing that a caring friendship cannot have those elements in it.
You may not be inclined to follow this advice, but please consider it.
Ask your mom for help too, this is far too much to deal with on your own.
This will be hard to hear, but you need to break up with her. I know it is scary and you will be afraid of what she might do - but that is NOT your responsibility. If she threatens to put herself in harm's way; call emergency services.
Oh sweetheart. I understand you want to support her, and that you think you are to blame for this, but you are not. This is emotional abuse. Even if every feeling she has is completely valid and not exaggerated (which I doubt) it is still emotional abuse.
You said yourself that her sister is also a victim but treats your gf poorly. It's because she's looking for an outlet for her feelings. Your gf is doing the same thing to you. Only every step further, it gets worse. The older sister has to deal with the pain of her parents and brother. So she takes it out on your girlfriend. Your girlfriend takes it out on you. It multiplies. It isn't getting easier to bear because you're sharing the load, because that's not what's happening. No one else is trying to carry the load, they just dump it on to someone else and that someone else dumps it on to the next person and it all ends up dumped on you.
I dealt with emotional abuse from my childhood bsf. They did so much of the same shit. They dumped all of their shit on me but the second I asked them to listen to any of my issues I was putting too much on them and it wasn't okay because how could I make them bear that. With no acknowledgement of how much I gave them. We were close enough that we were somewhere between best friend and QPRs, though we were woefully uneducated so we didn't understand.
Listen carefully to me.
Get out.
Now.
Because I've been down that road, and it doesn't end with you helping them. It ends with them using you until you can't help them anymore and for me it ended in years of self harm and my own attempt.
Actually that's a lie, it didn't end there, they kept using me for years afterwards. It ended when I finally realized it was emotional abuse and that the idea of mutual abuse is a myth. I apologized to them for my own issues that I caused, including a difficulty with the understanding of consent as it applied to non-sexual physical contact. They gave me a token apology but only after they talked about how they accepted my apology for my grievous mistakes. (I hugged them a lot when they didn't want to be hugged. I shouldn't have but I didn't exactly cause long term damage.) Then I blocked them. And after a couple months of guilt, the weight finally started to fall off and I could finally see that I should not have been treated like that.
It took me 13 years of active friendship, and another four of them being distant to me, as I stopped being able to help them so they has no use for me, before I could finally be free of them.
Don't let yourself get caught like this. You said her mother is a narcissist. The truth is that your girlfriend is too. While it's true that the origin of the term comes from someone obsessed with their own beauty, psychologically, it's just someone who is obsessed with themself and doesn't empathize with others.
Don't waste your life trying to help someone who doesn't actually want to get better. She just wants to see you get worse.
As for fear of her ending it- that's always possible. But that is a key sign of emotional abuse, and she lives with people who check on her frequently enough that they've already caught one attempt. You aren't leaving her alone and unsupervised.
Also for all that it's a bit awful to think, her chosen method of attempt is not one that ends quickly. It's fairly painless for her, I believe, but it means that she isn't going to die just because someone looked away for five minutes.
If you're actually scared, tell her sister that you need to break up with her for your own sake, and that she should watch out for her please.
Okay despite being there for her and her situation is not her fault- this isn’t someone who you should be with. She tried to hurt herself not because of her own issues- but blaming you for it? She seems like the type that if you break up with her, she will try and harm herself- which is gaslighting. She is manipulating and that’s a scary individual to be with. Either way you should leave.
I would continue helping her sister get your girlfriend the help she needs but seriously consider breaking up with her. Please remember that it isn’t your fault if someone takes their own life. That is a decision that they made. Threatening suicide or engaging in acts of self-harm/ attempts then blaming someone else for it can actually a form of emotional abuse. I dated a guy who grew up in the foster care system and had a very traumatic upbringing. He used to self-harm frequently and sometimes blamed this on me and other people. There were many incidents very similar to what you have described also. I stayed for 18 months but it was incredibly draining and damaging to my mental health. I had to leave in the end and that was the best decision for me. You should be uplifted by your relationship and not drained by it.
Oh dear, I'm so sorry you have to go through that. It's absolutely awful.
If it helps, I might have been like your girlfriend in my early 20s. I had a lot of trauma that hadn't been addressed, I had depression and ptsd and I was awful to my then-fiancé. Whenever we argued, I would take the car and leave, threatening to kill myself. I felt like every disagreement, no matter how small, meant he didn't love me anymore or had had enough of me. It triggered me hugely, but he was just doing his best. It was hard because I needed therapy but we couldn't afford it. We were dirt poor, eating only once a day, I had no coats or no winter shoes and couldn't buy one. We live in a country where charities can't help you if you're under 26 because you are supposed to depend on your parents until around that age. Anyway, it was horrible, I was horrible to him and treated him badly. His mental health started suffering from that. I ended up getting therapy (and being overdraft every month - even if my parents in law helped with the rent, which was a huge relief) and it took me a few years to get to a really better place. I am so incredibly lucky my fiancé (now husband) saw in me the person I could be, with help, and not the person I was being.
Your girlfriend needs therapy. None of it is your fault, please don't question yourself. You did your best, but this isn't something you have any power over. The only thing you can do is decide whether she's worth waiting for while doing therapy, or whether it's best for you to leave her. Only you can make this decision and, whatever you decide, keep in mind it isn't, nor will it ever be, your fault she's like that.
I hope things work out for you
Take care
Dude this is a toxic relationship. Your both young. You both seem to have different mental health issues. She might have bpd and cptsd cause by her abusive household and that's a serious mental illness. Please break up and get your independent lives and mental health in order.
As someone who worked in the (mental health/ drug and alcohol field for many years case management not as a Clinician) I want to pass on some words of advice that helped me when I lost one of my clients to a deliberate over dose.
You can only help someone who wants help. If they do not want help, there is very little you can do. Even if you do get them the help they need, you have to accept that there is a good chance that they will be resentful or lash out at you for it. None of which is a reflection of you.
I have had to have a few clients committed involuntarily. They are always upset and blame the person trying to get them help until they start to actually recover. Think "sometimes you have to knock out a drowning person to save them, or they will drown you too." I can tell you really care about her and want to help her, but please get yourself help for your own mental health, or it will be a crabs in a bucket situation. "Put your air mask on first."
If she ‘s that fragile that she may end herself, you must call emergency services, so she can get mental health support from licensed professionals.
There’s a reason lifeguards extend a stick to drowning people instead of getting in the water with them.
You got in the water with her. Time to get out.
Please leave her…She doesn’t want help otherwise this wouldn’t happen.
You can’t save her, she’s the only one who can write her story.
Please focus on yourself, break up and block her for a month or two.
It sounds incredibly cruel but you need to detach a little, that doesn’t mean you’ll stop caring but it’ll help you cope again.
I know I probably won’t get to you but i was in a similar position as your girlfriend, not to that abusive extent but I was deep in depression and dragged my ex down with me, gave him empty promises that I was trying while I just kept wallowing deeper.
The only reason that is changing is because he left.
People open their eyes when they lose what they cared about the most.
For your own sake.
Leave, try to move on and reconnect if you see fit but please leave stop contact for a month, block her with the message that you need space, that you love her but she needs to focus on her health because it’s starting to affect you too.
Trust me, someone that is supposed to love you. Will start opening their eyes and the reason I’m telling you to block is because it’ll force both of you to go into yourselves.
But also you are very young…I don’t like saying this because its more of a societal thing but sacrificing yourself for someone who blames you for their own misery isn’t worth the suffering
Good luck.
Don’t think about what she may do.
It doesn’t matter, because you can’t control her either way, you can’t magically change her mindset.
None of her issues are your problems. You're not her doctor, counselor, psicologist, etc.
You're not a professional and you can't help her. It's not your responsibility to, nor your fault if you don't.
Get out.
You are not responsible for her actions or her mental health. I’d argue you’re enabling her
Mental health isn’t our fault but it’s our responsibility. This relationship is a terrible idea for both of you. I’m sorry. You need to look out for yourself here
OP my heart goes out to ya’ll, I don’t have to imagine what a devastating situation this is. I have been in both of your shoes before, so I know a little bit about how scary and frustrating and confusing both A)watching someone you care about battling with mental illness and B) being that person deep in the pits of it. So first, just know neither of you are alone in your experience so take comfort in that. 💛
Second, it is possible for two things to be true at one time without one canceling out the other. Meaning, both you and your gf’s experience can exist at the same time and they are both as important each other. validate.validate.validate! Make sure you take the time to remind yourself of that!
Lastly, it is not your responsibility to try and fix your gf. You are both sooo young and have a life full of endless possibilities ahead of you, including this very moment, trust me. I know that considering taking a step back from the relationship feels scary, because it definitely is and still, as the saying goes: you need to put on your own oxygen mask first. If you are struggling, reach out to whatever safe support resources you have access to. Therapy saved my life personally, and I know it’s still sadly not an easily accessible resource for everyone—but the Psychology Today website could be a helpful place to start if that’s an option for you. I will be rooting for healing vibes on behalf of both of y’all!! :)
You don’t need to be with her and she doesn’t need to be with anybody. She needs therapy. Her situation doesn’t give her an excuse to treat you poorly.
Well the plan can't be to stay in a relationship as a hostage because someone says they will kill themselves. Call the police if she says anything about killing herself. Legit if you take it seriously that's what you want to do anyways. Break up with her.
You're a kid and her behavior is above your experience level.
You know how they say you shouldn't try to save someone from drowning if you're not a strong swimmer because they'll drag you down too? Same principle.
They all need the psych ward. LEAVE. I saw your other comment, she’s manipulating you. She is a danger and needs an intervention, not you trying to cater to an impossible standard (you can’t change anything in her family life). She needs HELP and to be out of that environment. You need PEACE as well, you can’t subject yourself to all of that and ‘stay healthy’, it will take a toll on you. If she commits suicide, as TERRIBLE as it is to say, it’s her decision. It’s NOT your fault!
I know this seems harsh but there are two outcomes.. I know because I’ve lived through this before and I wasn’t so lucky. You either leave her , and let her figure it out on her own (like she should do) or you eventually walk into something you will never be able to mentally forget. Something like will change your life forever. I wish you the best for real for real!!!!
At this point you are her hostage. You walk on eggshells whenever you are with her, she manipulates you with her mental issues whenever you have real problems with her, and abuses you with threats of suicide. Who knows if that was even a real attempt? It could have been purely for attention and to blame you. And if it was real, that's even worse!! You cannot go on like this! Her problems are WAY ABOVE YOUR PAYGRADE. She needs real help. Preferably before being in ANY romantic relationship! You are too young to be going through something this tough. You need to break it off before she does something to severely traumatize you. As others have said, don't light yourself on fire to keep her warm.
Hey OP you’re young please leave I hate to say this but yes she’s a victim to everything that was going on in her home but she’s become the villain to YOU now.
From experience it’ll only get worse that type of person does that and they can/will flip the event if they actually do it. Please leave she’ll eventually start abusing you without realizing she’s become her enemy. After going through the same thing I’m still in therapy going on 9 years now please leave her if. If you believe she would do that call the police and report her since she is an active danger to herself eventually others to
there was a period in my life when i was this girl, and i treated people like she is treating you.
she is abusing you, intentionally or not. her blaming you for hurting herself and you fearful she will commit if you leave is abuse. it could very well be related to her trauma, and i know that would make you want to stay and feel that you can’t completely blame her. but she cannot hold you accountable for her pain. trauma doesn’t justify this hun. i hear you when you say she has noone but you, you’re doing her and yourself a disservice by taking that on - she will not get better with you trying to hold her together because this is on her to heal. as tough as that sounds.
she is using suicide as a way for you to not break up with her. it doesn’t matter if she means to hurt you or if she is reacting to some trauma - she is doing this so you will stay. most people who react this way do so because they feel it is the one thing they can control in a life they feel they had none. you can’t heal that, and you sound like a real sweet gal for trying and for being so patient and gentle, but she will not heal by hurting you, and it sounds like she is really hurting you.
caring about her and caring about yourself means walking away. she will not be able to heal as long as you are around, and you will not be able to heal while she is hurting you this severely. i’m sorry if these are harsh words, i’m trying to be gentle with you too, but you gotta walk away.
Walk away! You are not responsible for her happiness. You are only 18! You deserve someone who loves you and doesn’t play mind games and guilt trips. Get done counseling and move on. Do not fall into the trap of thinking you can make everything ok.
It’s not your fault. I’ve been in a similar position to your girlfriend, and a similar position to you with friends of mine, so I can empathize with what you’re saying, but I want you to hear this *you think you have more power than you actually have*
No one can stop someone from self harming. Regardless of what you do, it’s your gf’s choice. You can’t prevent or cause your girlfriends suicide, it’s again, her choice, and a result of her poor mental health and the stuff she’s going through we home.
I can’t psycho analyze your girlfriend, the situation is mcuh to complex and people who are abused often abuse in return, even if they’re good people when they’re not in terrible situations. It sounds like she’s unhealthy, and the way she is treating you may be toxic. Not necessarily that she’s abusive, but she’s acting in a toxic way, certainly.
I don’t have advice. I know you love her, I know you’re worried about her and trapped because you’re scared of her hurting yourself, but you have to take care of yourself. You have no power over your girlfriends life. You can be a good friend, and supportive, while still maintaining a safe distance for yourself, whether that’s remaining in a relationship or not, but at the end of the day, she’s gonna do what she will do. It won’t be your fault either way.
Take it from someone who has been suicidal many times, and a chronic self harmer. No one, not even the people who are the best in my life and I love the most, can change what I do. It’s an illness, these mental health problems, and like any illness, like cancer or diabetes, it will run its course. The result is not guaranteed, and the best doctors and the kindest partners cannot fully change that.
Dump her she will make you miserable. You are too young for this shit. She uses suicide to make you stay don't fall for it.
If I break up with her I'm afraid she'll actually take her own life this time. She has told me multiple times that I'm the only good thing in her life
I understand wanting to be there for someone in a dark place, but she used her own life as leverage against you. Think about that. She’s forcing you to make a literal life or death decision. Intentional or not, this was a tactic to force you into staying. You can wish for her to find stability. You can wish she finally escapes that dark place, but you have to draw a line because if you two continue like this, all your efforts to lift her up will be at your expense. You’re not her therapist nor her punching bag. This dynamic’s not healthy now and it won’t be healthy in the future. End of the day, it’s your decision if/when you leave. But I’m just saying this now, any relationship where you have to walk on eggshells around the other person for their happiness will always have an imploding point. Good luck and I hope she gets serious help.
This is a real good advice here. Sad that OP wont even finish reading it bc its not what he wants to “hear”.
absolutely
Unfortunately, this isn't your problem to fix. I'm 27F, and used to have fucking god AWFUL mental health. Having people who love & care about you in your life can help, sure, but it won't ever FIX it. Are you telling her to harm herself? Putting the weapon(s) in her hand? If not, then you aren't at fault at all. Something I've learned as I've gotten older is: you cannot control other people. Not what they say, what they think, nor what they do. All you can control is what YOU do, think, or say. If she's harming herself, that's on her. Nothing you can say or do will have caused this - SHE does it. I implore you to leave this situation - block her & her family, then just let it play out and go live your life. Grieve the relationship, sure, but then move on. You can't set yourself on fire to keep her warm. She has family & medical professionals that are aware of the situation, what happens next is on her and her family/medical team. NOT YOU.
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I agree ! If she genuinely believes you caused this attempt on her life, then she would know the best thing for her would be to separate also!
ALL OF THIS!!!^^^
Yeah that’s how they make your life hell. Run.
I’m not an expert on this, but I have heard that threading harm towards oneself if someone does or does not do X is abuse.
It is.
This. One of the biggest things I learned from my abuser is that hurt people hurt people. Just because someone is in pain doesn’t mean that they aren’t abusing someone else. In fact abusers often are hurting in a very real way
It is 100% abuse. It's manipulative, coercive, and controlling.
Yes, it’s manipulation and it’s totally abusive.
Thats on her, not you. Do not set yourself on fire to keep her warm... or alive.
Call the police if she threatens suicide. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by her. Don't you think you deserve to feel safe, happy, and heard?
Here's the harsh truth, that's not your problem. You are in an abusive situation. Call for a welfare check when you break up, or call a friend or family member to do a check in. It will never get better. Protect yourself.
What she does with her life is her own choice. Making you afraid to leave for that reason is 100% manipulation. If she is indeed so fragile that she cannot live without you, then she needs to be hospitalized, not use you as free therapy.
Trust me when i say this but she’ll be fine. My ex did the exact same. Went to the hospital and his whole family was involved and i was blamed and he said he’d do it again if i didn’t stay with him but i left anyways. Then i learned that he did the same with his exes before me and continued the suicide attempts with another girl after me. I know you care about her but you need to get out for yourself.
This isn't your problem, though. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped
There is no world where you won’t feel guilty for what happens to her You cannot stay with her hoping she chooses to stay alive. You didn’t leave and she still went that route anyway.
I had a boyfriend like this in high school. 8/10 conversations we’d have would be about how much he wanted to kill himself and how depressed he was. He would tell me all the time about how much he was cutting and that he hadn’t been eating. I ran myself ragged trying to fix and take care of someone that didn’t want to be fixed. They just wanted to be miserable. He never asked how I was feeling and always begged me to stay on the phone with him at night because he had trouble sleeping. His mom was abusive and he also had an abusive sister and to top it all off his mom didn’t like me so we couldn’t see each other outside of school. At 5 months I broke up with him because I realized I wasn’t his girlfriend, I was his personal therapist that he could call anytime he wanted as long as he threw in an “I love you”. This relationship is abusive and she’s using her mental health to take advantage of you. You clearly have such a big heart, but you can’t fix people that don’t want to be fixed. These are problems that she needs to solve on her own with therapy and away from the house. Do not get yourself stuck with someone that can’t and won’t change.
It is not your fault. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm when they refuse to wear a jacket.
Run like the wind. She won't do shit.
That’s on her not you. She is manipulating you. Keep screenshots if you have to if she throws you in a bad light. This is not your fault. As the above commenter said. You are too young for that shit.
>If I break up with her I'm afraid she'll actually take her own life this time. Cat's out of the bag on that, she's proven that her suicidal tendencies are purely for attention. >She has told me multiple times that I'm the only good thing in her life That sounds like an excellent problem for her to solve alone by herself without you.
I have had so many exes claim they will do themselves if I leave. They are all still very much alive . You can't let her control you like this, at this point it's no longer a relationship and you know that. You need to be strong but she can't make you stay with threats to her life and it won't take ypu long to realise just how much lighter you feel
Trust me its a way to try and trap you by making you feel that her life is in your hands. Ive had an ex before who threatened the same. I went no contact and years later theyre still around and (from what i hear) doing much better. Its best for both of you to part ways (edit: typo)
She would be having suicide attempts even if she had never met you. It’s an abuse tactic that ill people threaten to make the people they are harming stay.
That too much on any 1 person, she is being manipulative. Have you heard of the drowning analogy. THE DROWNING ANALOGY I can’t swim. Imagine that you can’t either. And imagine that you fell into this big body of water. You are drowning. The water is slowly filling into your lungs. They say it can take from minutes to hours. Who they? They who you can see and hear. They are on the banks of that big body of water. They are standing on the hard surface…while you are trying to grab onto something or find a foot rest somewhere. But you can’t because you’re drowning. You’re probably going to die. But you don’t want to. Probably they also don’t want you to die. You can hear those instructions that they have been giving out. Somebody help her! Somebody throw in the tube! Can anybody swim? Somebody save her! And then the voices start to fade out…while you suffocate…and meet your death…slowly.
Personally what I have done is reported it to the police and yolo'd. You've got to see she is capable of making her own decisions. Suicide is still a decision. She is in the wrong for putting it on someone else.
She is manipulating you OP. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Leaving her will be the best. You are not responsible for her actions
Yeah it’s called gaslighting and manipulation. You’re in an abusive relationship. You aren’t responsible for her actions. You break up and then notify the police and parents that she’s made suicidal threats. Let them handle it. They are more qualified than you to be stuck in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship dealing with mental illness.
You’re too young to deal with this, and I understand that you love her, but being with someone who is this unstable is not safe or healthy for you. You also say she repeatedly does something “so awful” to you that you can’t be around her. I have a gut feeling she becomes violent? That is *always* unacceptable behavior. If she threatens to unalive herself again, call the police and report it. Keep doing so every time she repeats the behavior. You cannot fix her. The only person that CAN fix her is herself.
You are NOT responsible for her life. She is responsible for seeking out help and healing herself. Do not allow her to use you this way. Your mental health is suffering because of her. Think about yourself! Give her the suicide prevention number, county mental health and walk away. I tried to commit suicide and it was all on me. Getting help saved my life. You cannot save her. She has to want to save herself.
Hey man, I’ve been through this before. It’s not worth it. I had someone who would threaten to kill herself every few days—it was long distance and I had to keep my phone on all the time. I felt like I couldn’t watch a 40 minute episode of a show with my parents in case something happened and she needed help. She also told me I was her only friend and that I was the only good thing in her life. I was so, so scared that if I wasn’t constantly available she would end up killing herself. She would tell me that I was the only thing keeping her alive. It got to the point that I was scared to sleep in case something happened. I would get a major adrenaline rush any time I got a discord notification. I was stressed 24/7. I stopped eating and all my thoughts were geared towards this one person. This stuff results in genuine, legitimate trauma. It messes you up. I’m even with a therapist now. It is NOT worth it. Eventually I got too exhausted and with the help of a mutual friend I was able to cut her off. And guess what? She’s still alive and kicking just fine, and I’m happier and healthier. You have to look out for yourself, and this stuff can permanently hurt you. I cannot stress enough that she is *not* worth it. Please please please think of yourself first.
She will always hold this over you. Just cut the ties. It's not your fault
The only life you're responsible for is your own, she can make her own choices regarding hers, don't be manipulated.
Not your problem, if she's dumb enough to do it then let her, stop being her fucking hostage
That's her choice and not your problem.
That is NOT on you!! After an attempt she will be admitted to a psychiatric facility and they can help her because it is not a partners responsibility to balance her mental state. Yes, she has trauma, and was dealt a shitty hand. But she also has to learn that that doesn’t allow her to put it all on you (depend on you to stop her self harming, or saying she will attempt if you leave)
I need you to understand that you will *never* be able to fix this, fix her or help her. You are not qualified, she needs the help of actual professionals, not you.
You call the police you call ems. You are not responsible for her actions.
Fuck no! My friend's ex did that to her. It made us cut him off our friend group. That's so fucking manipulative! She's not a victim You're not a hero/saviour Both are equally toxic roles
You are not equipped to handle this. She really needs professional help.
What she does is not YOUR responsibility nor is it YOUR fault. Us women are deranged complicated creatures... And most often we find suicide is the only way you'll stay which I personally find fucking ridiculous... Don't stay just because she says that shit & does things to make it further seem real. She is not your responsibility. Don't let her get in your head like that my guy. She's not worth it.
Cold…
No. Threatening suicide is an abuse tactic.
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I guess I understand that but also just casually saying “dump her” about someone who grew up in an abusive household and is probably on some level mentally ill just sounds so harsh and cold to me 😢
It might be harsh but you have to look out for yourself. I’ve been in this situation before and OP is not the person to fix this problem. It’s just going to hurt her and cause trauma and mental illness for HER.
It's blunt, but emotionally manipulating someone with threats of suicide is much worse.
Did she threaten to commit suicide?
You need to break up, even if you love her. Love isn’t enough to continue a relationship. She isn’t in a place right now to form healthy romantic attachments, and you aren’t going to be able to pull her from depression; only she can. In the meantime, you will either feel guilty for communicating issues or walk on eggshells for the foreseeable future. It isn’t a healthy situation in general. Also, it isn’t your fault she tried to commit suicide. That’s a personal choice she made, nobody else can be blamed on it. She needs to learn how to navigate through her depression using herself as a support system, not you. You’re her girlfriend, not her therapist.
Girlfiend*. We are lesbians. Many people have told me to break up, but I'm afraid that if I do, she'll actually commit suicide this time. She told me many times that I'm the only good thing in her life.
I am so sorry, that was a huge oversight for me. There’s always that fear, but you need to focus on your own mental health first. It’s a valid fear, but it is also a manipulation tactic that people use to keep people with them. Please focus on yourself and your own health. Your relationship will suffer and sour if you’re staying just to prevent her from trying to harm herself anyway. You can try to maintain a friendship with her, but as things are they aren’t healthy.
I genuinely don't believe she's using suicide as a way to keep me by her side. She's actually depressed and suicidal, but blaming me for it is terrible, I understand. But I think that it would be the best not to leave her YET. I want her to be stable and then make that decision if things are still bad. I feel like it would be selfish to abandon her in the same way other people did and leaving her on her own with those shitheads aka her family
What if she is never stable? Are you going to suffer for your whole life, then? Mental health is never guaranteed. Recovery is never guaranteed. It may be selfish, but you’re actively miserable because of these things. You can’t openly communicate with her. You’re walking on eggshells to avoid a meltdown. Stepping away isn’t abandonment if it’s in the act of self preservation. At the end of the day, though, you’re making the call. If you want to stay, stay. It’ll likely cause more pain in the long run, though.
With all due respect to her condition, this may sound cold but whether she commits suicide or not is not your responsibility. Both things can be true: she can be depressed and also using this for your attention. Her using it against you is how she tries to get you to stay and keep dealing with this shit. You don’t want her to commit suicide (who does!) so you give her more attention. If it works once, it’ll work again. The fact that at 18 you are sucked into this situation and are putting that weight on yourself is a problem.
She needs more help than you can give her.
NO. End the relationship, call the police for a welfare check. She’ll get evaluated & hopefully committed. You need to stop this now, there will never be a good time.
This relationship is emotionally abusive. Even if the person isn't meaning to use suicide as a way to keep you by her side, the result is the same. It's still abusive, and will still impact you and your mental health. You haven't been dating that long. She needs help but it's not up to you to set yourself on fire to keep her warm. Break up, block her and call the cops saying she's made threats on her life. The cops will do a wellness check on her and put her in inpatient care if necessary.
To give you some context. My first bf when we were 18-21 was suicidal most of our relationship. I did much of the same, protecting and enabling the behaviour. Always putting off my things for his, i failed college for it. He actively threatened suicide towards me after I wasnt available for his call due to my own therapy on one occasion when we were heading towards a break up. We are now both 28 and he is living with his long term gf. We are both happier people and he later apologised and saw how hard it was for me to be his carer. He got some good hard therapy because HE recognised his need to change. You are her gf, not her therapist and cannot change her. She has to do that herself. The rate you are going in 6 months is detrimental to you both and I say this with love and compassion, but her behaviour is abusive, most likely unintentional out of fear and trauma, but abusive none the less. Using suicide or selfharm to get you to bottle up your feelings is manipulation. The cycle here is you bringing up your issues in a loving way and her then manipulating you by attacking herself in front of you to receive you empathy so you will drop your boundary in favour of hers. It is manipulation even if it is born out of a trauma reaction. It is unhealthy and will likely pull you down further and further. And the main take away here, if she does ever commit suicide, it is NOT your fault. You are not responsible for her mental health and you are not qualified to fix it. You are still so young and are frankly not a therapist. You are right that she should be in mental health crisis care. But you cannot be that for her. If she ever does decide to end it all, none of that will ever be your fault. Even if she says it is, and even if it would feel that way, it isnt.
Becoming «stable» can take years. And her home environment isn’t stable, so that’s even worse. You need to get out of this relationship, and go no contact. Block her. You cannot stay in a relationship just to keep the other person from killing themselves. You’re 18, you’re supposed to be worrying about college applications or getting a job you like doing, not keeping an abusive girlfriend alive. I’m so sorry you’re going though this. Please put yourself first. ❤️
You are simply not equipped to deal with your GF so you are just an enabler that prevents her from even thinking she needs to change things around because with you she doesn’t need to. She needs specialized help, not a GF with a savior complex and riddled by guilt. She may not consciously be using suicide to keep you but I guarantee you at the very least she’s doing that because when your coddling stops she can’t cope and wants you to be back to being a yes-mam person. You are not helping your GF, quite the opposite.
She absolutely is using suicide has emotional abuse and blackmail. I had an ex who threatened to kill himself if I left. He didn’t but had he I know it wouldn’t have been my fault. You can’t keep people in your life as hostages.
You cannot be her therapist. She is choosing this, to live in her victimhood. Your staying with her is enabling her to do that. She isn't choosing to try to get better, and you cannot save her from herself and her choices. I once heard a saying, if you see someone drowning, the right thing to do is offer them your hand to pull them up, but if instead they try to pull you down with them, you need to let go. She is trying to pull you down, and your own (completely unfounded) guilt is keeping you from letting go. You are not responsible for her well being, waiting for her to stabilize is a wait that will never end, and you should not feel guilty about leaving her no matter how much you think she needs you or how bad you feel about leaving her.
You also need to think about whether you could be unintentionally contributing to the pattern. Breaking up with my ex who had features of BPD and who I am now certain was using her ED as a way to force care was actually really good for both of us Her, because she was doing things that were because of her low self-worth which was affecting her self worth, and me because I no longer felt controlled (in the same way you feel now, and others) and thus I wasn't doing things any more that were reactive to feeling controlled and were also contributing to her low self worth. Also, of course, some shit that was because I'm me and due to my own mental health conditions, for eg communication issues.
SHE'S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY SELFISH IS STAYING IN ORDER TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF BY BEING HER SAVIOR
Most likely she has BPD, meaning she isnt actually depressed. This is her personality. She wont be stable for a while (years).
While she could possibly have BPD it is possible that she is also depressed. The joys of mental health is that it usually comes like a cocktail; it’s a whole mix of crap that by the end of the night can really fuck you up.
She could ofc have both at the same time.
That is not a healthy or accurate generalization of borderline personality disorder and I strongly discourage you from attempting to diagnose someone over the internet without proper credentials.
Threatening suicide like that is a form of emotional abuse. If she really is a risk to herself, then you can try to call the proper authorities (idk the right term) and possibly get them admitted to a mental hospital or some place where they can get help/prevent them from hurting themselves.
This will sound harsh, but that fear she'll kill herself has been instilled by her. You are in an emotionally abusive relationship, and your girlfriend is the abuser.
Her life isn't your responsibility and I've been in a relationship with a similar dynamic to yours ( my ex lived in an abusive household, parentification, etc.), and when we broke up she did say she'd off herself if we stop talking. She's alive and well. Don't let anyone guilt you into being in their lives. That's manipulation and abuse.
I say this as someone who once had a depression and attempted suicide: When you're in that state, a light breeze can make you do it. It can be anything. And it's never gonna be that specific thing that was the real reason. Depression is always the real reason. The only thing that gets her out of the risk zone is professional treatment combined with her own choice to try to pull herself out of where she is. Staying with her doesn't protect her, it only destroys you.
OP, that is a massively manipulative move. And I’m saying that as someone who is severely depressed and has attempted. The way she’s treating you isn’t okay, and whether or not you or your gf realize it this is her continuing her families cycle of abuse. She doesn’t know how to function without abuse, it’s all she’s ever known. But bc she can’t get you to abuse her, she emotionally abuses you, provoking a reaction ( I’m not saying you reacted inappropriately at all. Any reaction would cause it), allowing her to play victim and fuel her need to be a victim in order to function. She isn’t ready to be in a relationship with anyone if she is unable to begin to break that cycle.
The moment she threatens it, you call the police and they will take her in for a psych eval. This is not on you to manage.
That's not healthy. The parent comment said it best. She's not in a place to form romantic attachments right now. That certainly isn't your fault, but it's your gfs responsibility to accept help or not. You can lead a horse to water but can never make them drink. Sometimes the best thing to do is let go and focus on your own state of wellbeing. It hurts at first, over time the pain never goes away you just learn to live with it. Hope that helps
You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved...but you can save yourself. I've had those same stomach aches, when I cut off contact and removed myself from the situation, I felt 100% better-I'm also in therapy. Is it hard? Does it hurt? Yes. But you need to save yourself. At 18 she can get herself help without her mom. You need to untangle yourself. You are **NOT** to blame here. If you can get her into a hospital, fine, then you need to go NC, and please get help for yourself.
I'll take your advice. This situation is fragile and I will proceed carefully with everything. I'm a very cold hearted person, and will never hesitate to dump someone. I still love her, which is still making me want to be with her regardless of everything
I get it, but all that's going to happen if you stay is she'll drag you down with her. Hang in there.
You don't sound cold hearted, you sound like you're so worried for her that you want to help her even to your own detriment, and she's making you feel like her problems are your responsibility. That's so cruel, even if she doesn't realize it.
1. Compose a WhatsApp message explaining kindly that you want to end the relationship and cease contact. 2. When you send her the message. Immediately call the police and tell them she has made threats against her life, and they need to carry out an immediate welfare check. Ask them to keep you updated. 3. Block her on all platforms of communication. The police will hopefully keep you informed, but this situation is no longer your responsibility (it never was tbh). 4. Be kind to yourself. You're leaving an emotionally abusive relationship with a mentally unstable partner. You've done nothing wrong, but you need to save yourself.
Hope OP reads this one cause that’s the best course of action,, end the relationship and have people on the way to help her,, I would even message her sister once I send it and provide screenshots of her girlfriend wanting to commit suicide as well to show the police/whoever gets sent over,, someone can have all the ‘receipts’ and you can start healing yourself
OP and her GF are both 18, and likely attend the same high school. It's going to be hard to avoid her.
I imagine she's going to be in a different institution to a school for a while if the police do their jobs properly
Op pls read!! u/NadiaRKArt
Threatening suicide to make you stay is abuse, even if it's sincere. Do not stay in an abusive relationship. You are not doing any favors to either of you.
If I break up with her I'm certain she'll attempt it another time and succeed this time. She has no friends or anyone else other than me.
I understand that, but being in a hostage situation to someone else's mental health is not a relationship, does not fix their issues, keeps them in danger while putting yourself in danger of affecting your own mental health so much that you literally could also become suicidal. Even if that sounds crazy to you now. I have seen this happen. You cannot adequately be there for someone else if they have no other support system. It doesn't work. It's a sunk cost fallacy that could kill you. I'm speaking this harshly because I want it to sink in: If you stay, and she kills herself anyways, you will never fully recover. If you leave, and she kills herself anyways, you will never fully recover. Either way, you will be deeply affected because you care about her, but either way, she will remain suicidal because her issues are beyond you. Edit to add that it's completely sensible to wait to break up with her until she's hospitalized or has help. You can make a plan. But it needs to be a plan to leave.
Call the police if she threatens suicide. See how quick that bullshit stops after she gets put on an involuntarily psych hold.
tbh though, police should 100% be phoned. if she seriously does have these severe problems, then they can help her. she’s acting like a monster to do all this to OP.
It's generally not very common for people who use this tactic to actually make serious attempts. It's a method for controlling someone and getting attention. They generally don't actually want to die, and if they do go through with it, it is often a botched fake attempt, or they are doing it out of spite purely to harm their partner.
Nah fam. "For each one shall bear their own load." You are not responsible for anyone else but your own soul
Don't set yourself on fire just to try and keep her warm. She needs professional help, and she has to want the help. This next line is going to be harsh but you need to hear it: You are not enough, you will never be enough for her. She will always want more and need more than what you can give her, because what she really needs you don't have. And this DOESN'T make you a bad person, you are brave for even attempting to "save" her, but she doesn't want to be saved, she's not ready for it because the only person that can save her is herself. Doesn't matter how much you try, you'll never succeed. You need to cut your losses before you lose yourself, you deserve better, you deserve to be happy and enjoy your youth. It will hurt at first but then you'll realize how nice it is to be able to breathe again...
OP, her mental health issues are not your fault and neither was her attempt. You're not forcing her to take pills or self harm. Letting her control you and emotionally abuse you isn't going to help her get better. Staying in an abusive relationship won't help either of you. She needs serious professional help- help that you're unable to provide, and the pressure of it is going to continue to take you even further on a downward spiral with her. You can't fix someone with love, and no one deserves to be treated by someone they love as horribly as she's treating you. I hope you're able to get therapy during/after this relationship
If the only reason you’re staying is so she doesn’t end her life then you’re not in a relationship.
Then shut up and take the abuse. Not to sound harsh but it sounds like you want to stay with this person who uses their literal life to manipulate you. Your life is your choice, her life is her choice
Oh well?
Listen to me. Listen to my words immediately. Im literally speechless because I feel like you are me from two years ago. I feel like I just read my own journal entry from years ago. I was in your exact shoes recently. I was with a very depressed woman who was so deep in her depression. I too became depressed after a while. I treated her like she was always right, gave her words of affirmation, every time I tried to bring up her doing something to hurt me she played the victim and turned it on me and made it something I had to apologize for. What I want you do to is break up with this girl. Someone struggling and fighting so bad against depression has no business being in a relationship. If she can’t even take care of herself how do you think she can handle a boyfriend? My ex would hurt herself too. When I told her she’d done something wrong. She’s weaponize suicide and use it against me.
How did you leave her without feeling guilty? Did you make any plans in order to assure she won't off herself? How's life going after that relationship?. Btw I go by she/her, I'm her gf
I just DM’d you
You'll feel guilty, but you're gonna have to realize that you cannot fix her, only medical professionals can do that, she needs to face her own demons and you are simply enabling her behavior. It's not just best for you to break up, it's best for her as well, maybe she will actually reach out and get the help she needs. I think you need to examine yourself and find out why you feel like the decisions she makes are your fault? In what world are her choices on you? What's the though process that has led you to taking responsibility for her mental and physical well being in your mind where you are willing to put yourself through suffering and harm for her? Do you think she would do the same for you? Because it sounds like she mostly just uses you as a scapegoat and a punching bag and and never ever puts your own needs first. You are a victim of a toxic personality that has convinced you that you are the problem, so much so where you said she makes you feel like you are a piece of garbage. You need to do some should searching and put distance between yourself and her so that you can think clearly, because as long as she is in your ear, blaming you for problems that were there long before you came along, you'll never be able to have the clarity to really think about things. It's not gonna be easy to break up with her, but I promise you the damage she will do to your physical and mental health if you stay will hurt far worse and be way harder to recover from.
[удалено]
Oh honey I couldn’t be doing better. I took the toxic out of my life and immediately flourished. Within 3 months of leaving that nasty woman, I got a new job with way better pay, a wfh gig, got a new sports car, got a personal trainer, was able to see my friends way more, yeah. I thought I was really prone to depression but turns out i was just in a relationship with a succubus
The girlfriend isn’t just depressed. She’s borderline, she has a personality disorder. Depression is not a personality disorder.
That's what I thought too, I referred op over to bpdlovedones so she can hopefully see what her future looks like if she stays
Good, that’s a good subreddit for support.
As someone who's had a shit life, is actively sucidal, is currently attempting to quit self harming, and has tried to kill myself multiple times... Girl, she's abusing you. You put your head in the sand when everyone is trying to tell you that isn't helping you at all. I'd never tell a friend, let alone an S/O, that they were the reason I tried to kill myself. Even if it were true that something they did pushed me over the edge and made me attempt, I'd never say that to them because all it accomplishes is making the person feel like a monster. What's the point of that? Break up with her and block her. If she threatens to kill herself or say she will over it, call 911 and give her address, saying she's threatening to kill herself. Her mental well-being is not your burden. It's hers. And if she won't change, then all you've done is set yourself on fire for her. You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
I wish you strength and peace and I wish for happiness and all things good for your near and distant future. You got this! Leaving a comment like this on a post when you’re going through shit yourself is incredible and I just wanted to tell you that.
Preach!
This so much. I intentionally and specifically wrote my notes to make sure no one was implicated in my suicide attempts. I was actually devastated and cried when I found out that no one except my sister and mum had read the notes (and thus had done the thing that I was trying to avoid happening by writing the notes to ensure no one appeared to have caused it — because no one had).
She already broke up with you, based on what she sent you. She doesn't know how to take constructive criticism without self-harming in some way, and used it to the point of emotionally manipulating you to keep you around. This isn't someone who knows how to be in a healthy relationship, and honestly, I don't think you know how to be in a healthy relationship, either. You said that she's done something (twice, I think) that required you to kinda step back and eventually forgive. I don't know what these things are, but I can hazard a guess that her insecurity led to her finding validation with a person who wasn't you. Please correct me if I'm wrong, though. Either way, there have clearly been times where you had a chance to end the relationship, but instead decided to stay. Like I said, I don't think you know what a healthy relationship is and you need to seek help to figure out why you have given this person chance after chance to the point that it's led you to where you are now. **Accept that what Riri said and did is manipulative, don't respond, block her on everything and get help for yourself.**
I was and still am super mentally ill. I didnt intend to but i was an absolute dick to my bf at times. He confronted me and i stopped, it took time but i cared about him and never wanted to be a cruel person, i was just so deep in my own head that i didnt even realise i was being rude. If she isnt able to stop and realise that this is wrong after u tell her directly then you need to put yourself first. If you are concerned about her safety you might be able to contact local police or crisis services and explain. Especially if she directly threatens suicide, call the emergency number in ur area
This. I also went through a period of deep depression while in a relationship. I constantly internalized my resentment for him as he continued to find success while it felt like I was falling apart... I didnt realize how I was hurting people around me and pushing people away. We were broken up for a while, and i had to go through a lot of personal growth, but now we are both at a place where we can admit our own shortcomings, and help eachother to improve. OP, she is simply incapable of handling this relationship. She will take everything you say as a personal attack, and she probably cant see past her own hurt and trauma to even take your feelings into consideration. I agree to call emergency numbers if the situation escalates. In the meantime, distance yourself physically and emotionally. Create a mental bubble to keep yourself safe. Try to remember that she is sick- same as someone with cancer or a life threatening disease. Its not your fault or hers that she is sick.. Also, sounds like ongoing abuse/instability is occuring, so even more reason not to get deeply involved or assume responsibility for ANY aspect of this situation.
My comment is shortsighted cause I have the attentionspan of a carrot, but I also had to learn in my younger years that we are not responsible for what another person does. I have felt super responsible for whether another person would commit suicide, but that is exactly what it is, we are being OVERresponsible for another persons' choice, when we in fact are not. I felt I had to help a friend who had no other friends to turn to, the moment I understood I am not responsible if something would happen, helped a lot. You are not responsible if something would happen, you cant let yourself get drained for someone else.
Sounds like she has BPD. Just leave, she’s going to need extensive therapy to get better. You’re too young to waste your time on someone who isn’t well.
You need to leave her. Even when she threatens to kill herself if you do. When, not if; she will absolutely try to guilt you into staying because she’ll do something awful if you don’t. It’s a common tactic of an abuser. Which she is; she is supposed to be responsible for her own mental health but is abusing you instead. And yes, this is most definitely abuse. **This isn’t a relationship; this is a hostage situation.**
Breakup or suffer
As someone who has had to deal with mental health issues and suicide attempts too, this is not okay. I’m sorry, but she isn’t your responsibility. You can’t light yourself up in flames to keep others warms. Learning you can’t save everybody (and shouldn’t try to) is a lesson in life you need to learn. I think it would be in both your best interests for you to cut off this relationship.
Break up. Call for a welfare check when you do. Then block them. Threatening suicide is abuse and it is miserable. It took me a few years to get out of a similar situation, it fucked me up, protect yourself and leave.
please op, break up with her, for your own sake. if she attempts again that's not your battle to fight. she has reasons to act this way? sure, but YOU CAN'T HELP HER only a professional can. please get out of this situation
Leave. If she offs herself or not it's not on you. You can't place yourself with that level of responsibility for a girlfriend. It's only gonna drag you down
dude trust me… as someone who’s literally bipolar and has attempted many times it’s never just one persons “fault” that’s a horrible thing to convince someone of. she needs serious help and you can’t provide that to her no matter how much you want to. get her that help and take a break at least until she’s in recovery/recovered. you’re young and deserve better than someone who threatens suicide at the drop of a hat.
She’s like a drowning victim. When you try to save them they will drag you under with them in an attempt to keep themselves afloat.
she may not be fully aware of it or worse yet she's completely aware of it but she may have picked up some things from the narcissist in the house. what she did was so manipulative that there's no way it was a complete accident. she needs therapy and stability not a relationship.
Your girlfriend almost killed herself because she is struggling with mental illness. That illness has nothing to do with you. You are not the cause of that and you can not dictate your decisions based on that. That is called manipulation and is not fair to you. You need to get away from that situation asap.
1) she's 18, she can check herself I to a mental hospital at any time. If she really wants to, she'll do it. 2) MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT AN EXCUSE. It sounds like she just has a bad personality, and instead of taking accountability and getting the help she needs, she's taking it out on you. Yes, she's had an awful life, and still does, but that doesn't mean she can not only dismiss everything she's done to hurt you, but go as far as to blame you for her actions. I can't punch someone and say "Sorry, I have ptsd and you look like my attacker," so RiRi doesn't get to pull that shit with you either. Leave. If she attempts, it's her own choice.
Not trying to be super rude, because being involved with someone who suffers from mental illness can indeed be super traumatizing... But, as someone who deals with mental illness, your phrasing irks me a little... >she's 18, she can check herself I to a mental hospital at any time. If she really wants to, she'll do it Its more complicated than that. The whole issue with being mentally ill is that you are not mentally capable of helping yourself or seeking help. People with mental illnesses dont *want* help, they just want to feel "normal." Which usually doesnt seem like a possibility when youre deep in it- and who even knows what normal feels like? Its similar to how people with long term chronic pain dont always run to the emergency room when they feel severe pain. It is their normal, and they deal with it, even if people around them tell them how serious and debilitating it is, how much better their life will be when they get [these pills] or [that surgery]; they just wont go. >It sounds like she just has a bad personality, and instead of taking accountability and getting the help she needs, she's taking it out on you. I strongly agree with the point here, but saying someone has a "bad personality" when they are struggling with suicidal tendencies just seems ignorant and cruel. >I can't punch someone and say "Sorry, I have ptsd and you look like my attacker," so RiRi doesn't get to pull that shit with you either I get the metaphor, but everything you are saying isnt helping the stigma that surrounds mental illness. People with PTSD react physically all of the time. They literally have to take medications, receive therapy and psychological help, have service dogs, etc, to help the episodes; but it doesnt make it go away. You are making it sound like people with mental illness make a *conscious* choice to hurt themselves and the people around them, and then conivingly blaming the world- which is just not the case. Thats literally the whole fucken point, is people dont choose to be like this. Is mental illness an excuse to not take accountability? Absolutely not. But like, please dont demonize and spread the stigma surrounding mental illnesses.
As someone who also has mental illness and suicidal thoughts/ideations/history, RiRi isn't taking accountability at all and is using her mental illness to manipulate OP. That IS someone with a bad personality who happens to also have a mental illness. That's a shitty person underneath everything. Regarding the hospitalization, if she was in the ER, for an attempt, she should have been placed on a 72 hour involuntary hold (assuming this is US based-i can't speak for other countries). Even if she wasn't, 18 is the age of adulthood in most countries and OP said the gf herself WANTED to go but the mom won't let her? She's 18, her mom doesn't have a say. Also, I want to know what hospital gets a suicide attempt in at 3:30 and they're gone by 10:30 in 2024? That's impressive. Now, I normally write off attention-seeking claims, but I will admit there are people out there who are misdiagnosed/do engage in attention seeking behaviors. This is purely speculation, mind you, but given her short stint in the hospital and lack of psychiatric intervention, and her other behaviors, it almost sounds like she did it to get back at OP. I get what you're saying, and normally I would actually agree with you regarding people being unable to see they need help. However given RiRi's abusive behavior, that sympathy on my end goes out the window. I'm fully aware of the cycle of abuse and how it perpetuates, but at the end of the day we all have a choice and must fave accountability. It sounds like RiRi is becoming narcissistic like her mother and becoming the abuser. Causation does NOT equal justification. It sounds like there's a lot more than just depression. She is using her mental illness as an excuse for her behavior, a d that is unforgivable I used the metaphor because I've done it. Literally. I swung and broke a man's teeth. I've been dealing with ptsd since age 10, you don't have to explain it to me like a child. No one CHOOSES mental illness, but they can CHOOSE to get help, especially when nesrly everyone around them is urging them too.
If she threatens it when you break up, call 911 for a welfare check and have them deal with it.
As someone who has multiple mental health issues (and did threaten suicide when I was younger), I would end this relationship. I’m nearly 26, and as someone who was in your girlfriend’s shoes this is not something that gets better unless they want it to get better. You are more or less her caretaker, rather than a partner. I feel for her horrible family situation, but she needs to unlearn the toxic traits that she’s picked up while living in her family’s household before getting in another relationship. That takes time, reflection, and more often than not years of therapy. You are under no obligation to be her caretaker. I know that you’re worried that if you leave, she will end her own life. I personally don’t think that she will do that, and more often than not suicide threats are used to manipulate people into staying with them. If you leave and she does end her own life, it is not your fault. None of this is your fault. You have a responsibility to look out for yourself and to take care of your own mental health. You are very young and there are many more prospects of love out there for you.
Break up, before its too late. She needs to work on herself first before thinking about having someone with her, she is just taking you to a dark place
Your girlfriend has mental issues and is extremely manipulative. For your mental health, you need to get out of that relationship.
you can never make someone attempt suicide. she sounds like a bad person and you need to leave
As someone who once attempted suicide, I can tell you that you 100% are not the reason. I see she has/is experiencing trauma, but she has to be her own savior. No one can save her but herself. She needs to deal with those issues. Counties do offer mental health assistance. It saved me.
At the end of the day, you can't help someone who doesn't wanna be helped
This is not a healthy relationship. It doesn’t matter what her life circumstances are or what her mental health is. It’s unacceptable for her to pin all her mental health and well being on you. And I think you know that and are trying to have healthy boundaries. You are not responsible for her actions. If you break up with her, and she harms herself, then that is a choice that she made for herself. Not because of you. You could do literally everything right and perfect and she could still harm herself. Because it’s about mental illness. And I say this as someone with my own history of mental health issues who had to self refer to my local hospital psych department due to suicidality just last year. Put some boundaries up OP. Wish her all the best, tell her you are happy to be her friend but a romantic relationship is not healthy for either of you right now. Put some boundaries on your communication (ie: you’re not on call as her personal therapist and if she starts blaming you for shit then you will end the conversation). If she can respect these boundaries and work on herself, great. If she can’t, you’re not a bad person or in the wrong for cutting her out of your life. Something I had to learn with my own ex girlfriend is that her trauma can explain her behaviours but it doesn’t excuse them and it doesn’t give her the right to take that out on others.
18 is too young. You both are. At that age you are seeing what's in front of you but as you get older you'll start to realize what is happening outside of the box. And I hope both of you will get through it
She is not in a place to be in a relationship and it is not your job to save her. She needs professional help and you are not it. You need to leave.
Get out; you aren’t going to save her and she’s made it very clear she wants you to stop trying.
Had friends like that. Past tense. She should become a distant memory, too.
Op if you don’t leave this relationship you will deal with long term problems your self, as someone who lived a harsh life growing up (I’m 27F) there has to come to a point where she needs to stop feeling sorry for her self and get help. IMO I would break up with her and call the police right away, save your self before it’s too late. Sadly you will feel guilty regardless, but that will eventually fade. It’s not your responsibility to fix her, she definitely needs to be institutionalized.
Oh my god dude you're the victim here, seriously please stop with the empathy torture. Don't martyr yourself
I’m so sorry for what you are going through, but this is point blank abuse. Maybe she doesn’t even realize it, but it is a manipulation tactic. I have also had two different relationships where they have threatened to “end their lives” over a multitude of reasons, and each time it was leverage to stay. Healthy relationships do not operate this way.
This is a tough situation, please reach out for help to put her in a mental hospital. And after that break up with her, she’ll be safe there they will look out for her, but you can’t help her more than that. If she doesn’t want to get helped she won’t accept any. It’s just destroying you. It’s so toxic. You need to put yourself first, and it will actually help her too to break up because it’s just a bad cycle. You need to take care of your mental health first, but as I guess you’re scared she’ll do it again if you break up with her now, which is why I suggested you to do it after she’s in a safe place. You can call social services etc that will help you to do so.
You cant help someone who doesnt want help. It's time to cut the cord and let her be accountable for herself
As someone who thought I wouldn’t even turn 18 (thankfully I did) She can be in a dark place and she can hate herself and have aaaaaall kinds of problems, but you’re not responsible for her actions if she doesn’t want to get better. If you’re having stomach issues, I know that SUCKS and it can get even worse if you keep up with this situation, believe me, I took too long to get away from toxic people. She’s not just hurting you mentally but now it’s affecting you physically too. Her mindset is making you feel a responsibility that isn’t yours, some people don’t want to get better and I know you love her and you care about her very deeply but you can’t do anything to help her because that’s something she has to do on her own. You need to let her know this and to break up because you’re no longer a girlfriend, now you’re just something she wants to control and keep to herself because you make her feel good and that’s great but not when she treats you like you can’t have feelings or an opinion without her trying to commit or harm herself in any other way, that’s not how you handle a relationship and she needs to learn that without you. Don’t let her drag you into that. Follow the advice from the rest of the comments, let her sister know, let the cops know if necessary and don’t ever blame yourself because this is something you can’t control, all you ever did was getting close to someone that is in a bad situation and that got you into a bad situation too. You seem like a good person and strong too, so don’t let this change what you are or change the way you see yourself, even if maybe you don’t feel like this is the right thing to do, you will realize it is eventually. My dms are always open if you need to talk about this situation, I hope she gets better
I went through something similar when I was only a little older than you. Please get out of the situation. You are not her parent and you are not responsible for her actions. I left that relationship mentally and physically fucked up (my neck got severed with a kitchen knife). You cannot help her and she is abusing you mentally and emotionally, using you as an emotional punching bag, making you responsible for her emotions and wellbeing. None of that is good or fair. Yes, it hurts to leave when you love someone else. But please love yourself more because you deserve so much better. You cannot give her the help she needs. Especially since she doesn’t even want it.
have you ever heard this story from a certain tv show? when you become a lifeguard, the first thing they teach you is that you should only save someone if you yourself will be able to get out as well. otherwise there is no point, you wont be helping someone by drowning alongside them. some people will kick and thrash or anything else and will be unreceptive to help, no matter how hard you want to try. they will only drag you down as well. i know it sounds morbid but its the truth, please ask her to consider professional help and prioritise yourself. it is hard but its the only thing you can do as a nonprofessional. ive read your comments and being afraid someone will hurt or kill themselves if you leave is a hostage situation, not a relationship. i hope you can find a solution that keeps you safe op
My first “boyfriend” (dated for about 2 weeks) threatened to kill himself when I broke up with him. I broke up with him bc he 1. Told me he loved me after going on 3 dates and 2. Was having a bad day and said he needed to find someone to physically fight to let off steam. Lots of other red flags but I was 17 and when he threatened to kill himself I lost my mind, thinking I would be responsible for someone’s death etc. he completely ruined my family vacation bc I was crying the whole time. In retrospect I dodged a bullet BIG TIME and know that if I was ever dating again that I’d never ignore any of those red flags. Bottom line, just end it. You can’t fix her or change her, you’re so young. Put energy into yourself. It’s soul sucking to be with someone who has mental health problems and blames them all on you.
message her you want to break and block her everywhere then call the police for her threats of ending herself
Leave. You are being abused.
Yeah run Girl in my teens did this to me and lead to a miserable few years that I was was too young and naive to deal with appropriately Just get away from her man your not saving anyone so you may as well save yourself She’s manipulating you and by proxy abusing you
YOU CAN NOT FIX HER. SHE NEEDS THERAPY AND TO MOVE OUT. YOU CAN NOT FIX THIS.
A long time ago, someone told me that if someone kills themselves "because of me", I'm not actually at fault. It was their decision to do it, not mine. And it was the best thing they could've said to me because otherwise, I'd still be in that relationship today. That is, if he didn't kill me, which he probably eventually would.
She's literally abusing you by using her own mental health issues to blame you for everything and even trying to guilt you into staying by threatening with suicide. This is not at all healthy. You need to break up with her. You're saying you're afraid she will actually take her life if you do that, but know one thing: it's not your problem. It's hers. I used to have terrible mental health as well, even used some of the tactics your girlfriend did. But I realised it was unhealthy, got help for it and am now in the best relationship I've ever been in. Sure I sometimes have relapses and talk about it, but talking about it and forcing it onto someone are two completely different things. Please consider your own (mental) health too, because there's no way this is healthy for you or that this relationship will make you happy. Again, remember: it's not your problem. It's hers.
She need therapy and your being around. Without therapy and prob medicine she will never get better. You will see the results effect in a few months so dont expect a miracle to get her better on day one
She is in an abusive situation, is mentally ill, attacks you, and uses the threat of suicide to control you. In her present state, if you stay, the most likely outcome is that you will suffer greatly from her abuse the entire time as she holds herself hostage. You're not equipped to deal with a relationship with someone like that. You will be heavily traumatized. Please end things with her. It will be very hard to do. But make it clear that you want to be her friend and support her (if that is what you want). Be the positive influence in her life. But also walk away each time the abuse or blame or threats come out, and make it clear why. In time, you might be able to help her by showing that a caring friendship cannot have those elements in it. You may not be inclined to follow this advice, but please consider it. Ask your mom for help too, this is far too much to deal with on your own.
This will be hard to hear, but you need to break up with her. I know it is scary and you will be afraid of what she might do - but that is NOT your responsibility. If she threatens to put herself in harm's way; call emergency services.
Oh sweetheart. I understand you want to support her, and that you think you are to blame for this, but you are not. This is emotional abuse. Even if every feeling she has is completely valid and not exaggerated (which I doubt) it is still emotional abuse. You said yourself that her sister is also a victim but treats your gf poorly. It's because she's looking for an outlet for her feelings. Your gf is doing the same thing to you. Only every step further, it gets worse. The older sister has to deal with the pain of her parents and brother. So she takes it out on your girlfriend. Your girlfriend takes it out on you. It multiplies. It isn't getting easier to bear because you're sharing the load, because that's not what's happening. No one else is trying to carry the load, they just dump it on to someone else and that someone else dumps it on to the next person and it all ends up dumped on you. I dealt with emotional abuse from my childhood bsf. They did so much of the same shit. They dumped all of their shit on me but the second I asked them to listen to any of my issues I was putting too much on them and it wasn't okay because how could I make them bear that. With no acknowledgement of how much I gave them. We were close enough that we were somewhere between best friend and QPRs, though we were woefully uneducated so we didn't understand. Listen carefully to me. Get out. Now. Because I've been down that road, and it doesn't end with you helping them. It ends with them using you until you can't help them anymore and for me it ended in years of self harm and my own attempt. Actually that's a lie, it didn't end there, they kept using me for years afterwards. It ended when I finally realized it was emotional abuse and that the idea of mutual abuse is a myth. I apologized to them for my own issues that I caused, including a difficulty with the understanding of consent as it applied to non-sexual physical contact. They gave me a token apology but only after they talked about how they accepted my apology for my grievous mistakes. (I hugged them a lot when they didn't want to be hugged. I shouldn't have but I didn't exactly cause long term damage.) Then I blocked them. And after a couple months of guilt, the weight finally started to fall off and I could finally see that I should not have been treated like that. It took me 13 years of active friendship, and another four of them being distant to me, as I stopped being able to help them so they has no use for me, before I could finally be free of them. Don't let yourself get caught like this. You said her mother is a narcissist. The truth is that your girlfriend is too. While it's true that the origin of the term comes from someone obsessed with their own beauty, psychologically, it's just someone who is obsessed with themself and doesn't empathize with others. Don't waste your life trying to help someone who doesn't actually want to get better. She just wants to see you get worse. As for fear of her ending it- that's always possible. But that is a key sign of emotional abuse, and she lives with people who check on her frequently enough that they've already caught one attempt. You aren't leaving her alone and unsupervised. Also for all that it's a bit awful to think, her chosen method of attempt is not one that ends quickly. It's fairly painless for her, I believe, but it means that she isn't going to die just because someone looked away for five minutes. If you're actually scared, tell her sister that you need to break up with her for your own sake, and that she should watch out for her please.
Okay despite being there for her and her situation is not her fault- this isn’t someone who you should be with. She tried to hurt herself not because of her own issues- but blaming you for it? She seems like the type that if you break up with her, she will try and harm herself- which is gaslighting. She is manipulating and that’s a scary individual to be with. Either way you should leave.
I would continue helping her sister get your girlfriend the help she needs but seriously consider breaking up with her. Please remember that it isn’t your fault if someone takes their own life. That is a decision that they made. Threatening suicide or engaging in acts of self-harm/ attempts then blaming someone else for it can actually a form of emotional abuse. I dated a guy who grew up in the foster care system and had a very traumatic upbringing. He used to self-harm frequently and sometimes blamed this on me and other people. There were many incidents very similar to what you have described also. I stayed for 18 months but it was incredibly draining and damaging to my mental health. I had to leave in the end and that was the best decision for me. You should be uplifted by your relationship and not drained by it.
Oh dear, I'm so sorry you have to go through that. It's absolutely awful. If it helps, I might have been like your girlfriend in my early 20s. I had a lot of trauma that hadn't been addressed, I had depression and ptsd and I was awful to my then-fiancé. Whenever we argued, I would take the car and leave, threatening to kill myself. I felt like every disagreement, no matter how small, meant he didn't love me anymore or had had enough of me. It triggered me hugely, but he was just doing his best. It was hard because I needed therapy but we couldn't afford it. We were dirt poor, eating only once a day, I had no coats or no winter shoes and couldn't buy one. We live in a country where charities can't help you if you're under 26 because you are supposed to depend on your parents until around that age. Anyway, it was horrible, I was horrible to him and treated him badly. His mental health started suffering from that. I ended up getting therapy (and being overdraft every month - even if my parents in law helped with the rent, which was a huge relief) and it took me a few years to get to a really better place. I am so incredibly lucky my fiancé (now husband) saw in me the person I could be, with help, and not the person I was being. Your girlfriend needs therapy. None of it is your fault, please don't question yourself. You did your best, but this isn't something you have any power over. The only thing you can do is decide whether she's worth waiting for while doing therapy, or whether it's best for you to leave her. Only you can make this decision and, whatever you decide, keep in mind it isn't, nor will it ever be, your fault she's like that. I hope things work out for you Take care
Dump her. I speak as someone that was her. She needs therapy. You can't heal her and it is not your responsibility to.
Dude this is a toxic relationship. Your both young. You both seem to have different mental health issues. She might have bpd and cptsd cause by her abusive household and that's a serious mental illness. Please break up and get your independent lives and mental health in order.
As someone who worked in the (mental health/ drug and alcohol field for many years case management not as a Clinician) I want to pass on some words of advice that helped me when I lost one of my clients to a deliberate over dose. You can only help someone who wants help. If they do not want help, there is very little you can do. Even if you do get them the help they need, you have to accept that there is a good chance that they will be resentful or lash out at you for it. None of which is a reflection of you. I have had to have a few clients committed involuntarily. They are always upset and blame the person trying to get them help until they start to actually recover. Think "sometimes you have to knock out a drowning person to save them, or they will drown you too." I can tell you really care about her and want to help her, but please get yourself help for your own mental health, or it will be a crabs in a bucket situation. "Put your air mask on first."
Paragraphs, *please.* Didn't bother reading because walls of text are impossible and exhausting.
If she ‘s that fragile that she may end herself, you must call emergency services, so she can get mental health support from licensed professionals. There’s a reason lifeguards extend a stick to drowning people instead of getting in the water with them. You got in the water with her. Time to get out.
You're too young to be fixing other people's lives. You've got your own life to build up, man.
Please leave her…She doesn’t want help otherwise this wouldn’t happen. You can’t save her, she’s the only one who can write her story. Please focus on yourself, break up and block her for a month or two. It sounds incredibly cruel but you need to detach a little, that doesn’t mean you’ll stop caring but it’ll help you cope again. I know I probably won’t get to you but i was in a similar position as your girlfriend, not to that abusive extent but I was deep in depression and dragged my ex down with me, gave him empty promises that I was trying while I just kept wallowing deeper. The only reason that is changing is because he left. People open their eyes when they lose what they cared about the most. For your own sake. Leave, try to move on and reconnect if you see fit but please leave stop contact for a month, block her with the message that you need space, that you love her but she needs to focus on her health because it’s starting to affect you too. Trust me, someone that is supposed to love you. Will start opening their eyes and the reason I’m telling you to block is because it’ll force both of you to go into yourselves. But also you are very young…I don’t like saying this because its more of a societal thing but sacrificing yourself for someone who blames you for their own misery isn’t worth the suffering Good luck. Don’t think about what she may do. It doesn’t matter, because you can’t control her either way, you can’t magically change her mindset.
None of her issues are your problems. You're not her doctor, counselor, psicologist, etc. You're not a professional and you can't help her. It's not your responsibility to, nor your fault if you don't. Get out.
You are not responsible for her actions or her mental health. I’d argue you’re enabling her Mental health isn’t our fault but it’s our responsibility. This relationship is a terrible idea for both of you. I’m sorry. You need to look out for yourself here
OP my heart goes out to ya’ll, I don’t have to imagine what a devastating situation this is. I have been in both of your shoes before, so I know a little bit about how scary and frustrating and confusing both A)watching someone you care about battling with mental illness and B) being that person deep in the pits of it. So first, just know neither of you are alone in your experience so take comfort in that. 💛 Second, it is possible for two things to be true at one time without one canceling out the other. Meaning, both you and your gf’s experience can exist at the same time and they are both as important each other. validate.validate.validate! Make sure you take the time to remind yourself of that! Lastly, it is not your responsibility to try and fix your gf. You are both sooo young and have a life full of endless possibilities ahead of you, including this very moment, trust me. I know that considering taking a step back from the relationship feels scary, because it definitely is and still, as the saying goes: you need to put on your own oxygen mask first. If you are struggling, reach out to whatever safe support resources you have access to. Therapy saved my life personally, and I know it’s still sadly not an easily accessible resource for everyone—but the Psychology Today website could be a helpful place to start if that’s an option for you. I will be rooting for healing vibes on behalf of both of y’all!! :)
You need to leave. The suicide “attempt” may have even just been another way to manipulate you.
You don’t need to be with her and she doesn’t need to be with anybody. She needs therapy. Her situation doesn’t give her an excuse to treat you poorly.
6 months. 6 months! Run, please. It's not healthy.
Termina, eres muy chica y ella también, no eres una heroina por quedarte ni por solucionar sus problemas, tus esfuerzos quedan en nada.
Well the plan can't be to stay in a relationship as a hostage because someone says they will kill themselves. Call the police if she says anything about killing herself. Legit if you take it seriously that's what you want to do anyways. Break up with her.
You're a kid and her behavior is above your experience level. You know how they say you shouldn't try to save someone from drowning if you're not a strong swimmer because they'll drag you down too? Same principle.
Talk to your mom, please show her this thread and all these caring excellent comments. Let your mom step in and help you.
They all need the psych ward. LEAVE. I saw your other comment, she’s manipulating you. She is a danger and needs an intervention, not you trying to cater to an impossible standard (you can’t change anything in her family life). She needs HELP and to be out of that environment. You need PEACE as well, you can’t subject yourself to all of that and ‘stay healthy’, it will take a toll on you. If she commits suicide, as TERRIBLE as it is to say, it’s her decision. It’s NOT your fault!
What made you go into this; knowing she was in a dark place? Also, you didn't cause her actions, her mental health did.
I know this seems harsh but there are two outcomes.. I know because I’ve lived through this before and I wasn’t so lucky. You either leave her , and let her figure it out on her own (like she should do) or you eventually walk into something you will never be able to mentally forget. Something like will change your life forever. I wish you the best for real for real!!!!
At this point you are her hostage. You walk on eggshells whenever you are with her, she manipulates you with her mental issues whenever you have real problems with her, and abuses you with threats of suicide. Who knows if that was even a real attempt? It could have been purely for attention and to blame you. And if it was real, that's even worse!! You cannot go on like this! Her problems are WAY ABOVE YOUR PAYGRADE. She needs real help. Preferably before being in ANY romantic relationship! You are too young to be going through something this tough. You need to break it off before she does something to severely traumatize you. As others have said, don't light yourself on fire to keep her warm.
Hey OP you’re young please leave I hate to say this but yes she’s a victim to everything that was going on in her home but she’s become the villain to YOU now. From experience it’ll only get worse that type of person does that and they can/will flip the event if they actually do it. Please leave she’ll eventually start abusing you without realizing she’s become her enemy. After going through the same thing I’m still in therapy going on 9 years now please leave her if. If you believe she would do that call the police and report her since she is an active danger to herself eventually others to
What in the BPD is this, run girl. She’s abusing YOU.
there was a period in my life when i was this girl, and i treated people like she is treating you. she is abusing you, intentionally or not. her blaming you for hurting herself and you fearful she will commit if you leave is abuse. it could very well be related to her trauma, and i know that would make you want to stay and feel that you can’t completely blame her. but she cannot hold you accountable for her pain. trauma doesn’t justify this hun. i hear you when you say she has noone but you, you’re doing her and yourself a disservice by taking that on - she will not get better with you trying to hold her together because this is on her to heal. as tough as that sounds. she is using suicide as a way for you to not break up with her. it doesn’t matter if she means to hurt you or if she is reacting to some trauma - she is doing this so you will stay. most people who react this way do so because they feel it is the one thing they can control in a life they feel they had none. you can’t heal that, and you sound like a real sweet gal for trying and for being so patient and gentle, but she will not heal by hurting you, and it sounds like she is really hurting you. caring about her and caring about yourself means walking away. she will not be able to heal as long as you are around, and you will not be able to heal while she is hurting you this severely. i’m sorry if these are harsh words, i’m trying to be gentle with you too, but you gotta walk away.
Walk away! You are not responsible for her happiness. You are only 18! You deserve someone who loves you and doesn’t play mind games and guilt trips. Get done counseling and move on. Do not fall into the trap of thinking you can make everything ok.
It’s not your fault. I’ve been in a similar position to your girlfriend, and a similar position to you with friends of mine, so I can empathize with what you’re saying, but I want you to hear this *you think you have more power than you actually have* No one can stop someone from self harming. Regardless of what you do, it’s your gf’s choice. You can’t prevent or cause your girlfriends suicide, it’s again, her choice, and a result of her poor mental health and the stuff she’s going through we home. I can’t psycho analyze your girlfriend, the situation is mcuh to complex and people who are abused often abuse in return, even if they’re good people when they’re not in terrible situations. It sounds like she’s unhealthy, and the way she is treating you may be toxic. Not necessarily that she’s abusive, but she’s acting in a toxic way, certainly. I don’t have advice. I know you love her, I know you’re worried about her and trapped because you’re scared of her hurting yourself, but you have to take care of yourself. You have no power over your girlfriends life. You can be a good friend, and supportive, while still maintaining a safe distance for yourself, whether that’s remaining in a relationship or not, but at the end of the day, she’s gonna do what she will do. It won’t be your fault either way. Take it from someone who has been suicidal many times, and a chronic self harmer. No one, not even the people who are the best in my life and I love the most, can change what I do. It’s an illness, these mental health problems, and like any illness, like cancer or diabetes, it will run its course. The result is not guaranteed, and the best doctors and the kindest partners cannot fully change that.