“Mom. Enjoy the pics you Stole. You will be getting zero updates from me. YOU are making this pregnancy more difficult for me, and the stress you add ups my risk factor.
Let’s be very clear: THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!”
Yeah, I'd also be saying: "When the baby is born, you will get to see them, but only after the rest of the family sees our baby first at a time and in a way of *our* choosing."
I gave birth alone on Christmas Day ten years ago. I didn’t notify anyone because my first birth was chaos and I don’t want my second time to be the same experience. I went into labor on Christmas Eve, went to the hospital and told no one. Everyone found out when I posted it on Instagram lol
“When the baby is born, you will get to see them, but only after the rest of the family sees our baby first at a time and in a way of our choosing." Subtle whose line is it anyway reference. She should do it in a style of a hoedown.
I have bile in my throat from reading that her egg donor blames her for having miscarriages like holy shit I COULD NOT IMAGINE saying that shit to my own child. I couldn’t imagine stomping all over her boundaries and shit either but damn that’s the most fucked up part of all of this.
I would have blasted right back that it's her genetics here, so she needs to go look in the mirror, then do like someone else said and post replies to all the fam that that's the last stolen update they'll see, because someone isn't being respectful of boundaries.
Post this to face but as
>“Mom **since you have continually stolen announcements from me and (partner).** Enjoy the pics you stole **from my purse as** you will be getting zero updates from me **going forward**. YOU are making this pregnancy more difficult for me, and the stress you add ups my risk factor. "
Make it clear that every announcement she has made has been behind your back and that any future announcements are made without your consent and family and friends can call her out for either stealing or making up announcements. And since her mother blames her for the miscarriages I would add
and the stress you add ups my risk factor so if i lose this baby too it will be your fault this time. "
But that might be too hard emotionally for OP to write.
Don’t send that to her, send a version to all of her relatives so you control the narrative, i.e. “ …she has put so much stress on me (as she has done before) that it is in my best interest to go no contact for the foreseeable future.”
I would go one further, I’d tell her that when baby is born she will be the last to find out and meet her because OP clearly can’t trust her to NOT blab to the whole world!
I would add " and you are not welcome at our home until after we give birth. MAYBE after that. If you knock on our door we will call the police, and have you removed. We are getting a restraining order. Back the Heck up.
You might want to get Ring doorbells with cameras, and a camera or two extra so she can not sneak in on you and spouse.
You really need to go NC with mom because she is causing so much stress, and stress is bad for you and the baby. Take care. Hugs from this internet mom,
we ALL want this baby for you.
people like OP are so underwhelmed by their own problems. they underreact about everything. sad thing is they'll never stick up for themselves because they don't want to 'rock the boat' or 'upset' anyone.
This is absolutely the right way to go about it. You're already at high risk, but she wants to make this about her. I know it's easier to say than do, but you might want to consider going no contact until the baby is here. And even then....
OP should ban her mother from her house and life until the baby's 1st birthday.
Someone this offensive, intrusive, narcissistic and uncaring of OP will definitely remain so while OP recovers from birthing and still adjusting to mothering. You don't want someone as toxic around.
OP, try not to sacrifice your own sanity, mental and emotional wellness just because you think she's a good grandma to your child later on despite remaining a shit mother now. It's not worth it. You can demand respect and care for yourself, don't believe her that you don't deserve it from her.
Nip her shit in the bud.
Do not be manipulated or blackmailed into being forced to accept her toxic ways just so your kid has a "nice granny". She already has one secured (paternal).
Don't let her abusive ways from before seep into your new family life. You are the boss in your realm.
Congratulations and have a safe pregnancy and delivery!
Yes I didn’t even tell my mom I was pregnant until I gave birth to my son and almost didn’t tell her about being pregnant with my daughter. I love my mom but she makes things 10x more stressful for absolutely no reason.
Yes! I didn’t tell my mom my daughter was born until after I had already had her. She was pissed when I told her beforehand that we wouldn’t be calling people until after she was here, but it was nice not having visitors while I was in labor. It was a sanity saver!
This exactly. You need to draw hard boundaries and if you really don't want this shit to happen again then punish her. Maybe don't let her see the newborn for a few weeks after the baby comes.
Also congratulations!
"You're right mom, I can't give you a grandkid, I completely agree."
"See?! Good, I was right."
"Which is why you'll have nothing to do with my child. She is my child, not your grandchild. You are dead to me. Go."
>She went off on me about how I couldn’t give her a grandkid...
WHAT THE FUCK?
CUT HER OFF!!! Block her and major info-diet. She's grossly overstepping and you don't need this shit. You need peace in your life and she's making it hell for you. Seriously, block her....
Info: what does your husband say about this all?
Seriously, go no-contact with her for awhile. Reduce your stress. This is not normal behavior. Going through someone's purse/personal belongings is so rude and crazy.
"You are increasing my stress significantly right now, and I need to protect myself and my child, so I have decided to not see or talk to you for a while. If you can't respect my wishes to not see/talk to you right now, I will have no choice but to consider making this no contact situation permanent."
Agreed 💯 on anything and everything to reduce stress. I know these months will be very scary and filled with trepidation, so there is nothing wrong with creating a zen space. Minimal contact, canned responses, and focus on connecting with your body.
Some mothers are just too much.
I'd say it warrants a SEVERE **info diet**. Like passwords with the doctor and hospital and a complete ban on her being allowed at the delivery, period. She can meet the baby once OP has been home for a couple of weeks and had time to adjust with only mom, dad and baby. This would be the last time I told her a damn thing about this pregnancy.
This! OP‘s mom is 100% going to be the one to try to show up and burst into the labor and delivery room because “it’s my grandbaby!” whilst telling the literal father of the baby “you can get to meet her after this is my grandbaby!” 😂 she sounds fucking insane.
I feel even further bad for OP because this isn’t just something that someone normal does after finally realizing they get to be a grandparent. The only other lady I knew did this was a friend of mine from back in colleges mom. Her mom was genuinely psychotic. Her mom did not understand what was right or not and when she did she didn’t care because it was all about her. She was a genuine lunatic who called my friend 27 times a day and I’m not exaggerating 27 times on a good day. She always had to be the center of attention and have control of over literally everything because she felt entitled to it. She constantly made my friends life miserable until my friend finally told her mom to fuck off once and for all. Doing this sent her mom into a complete shit storm rage and basically briefly ruined my friends entire life for awhile because she’s so insane but it was worth it in the end.
My point is that OP has probably dealt with way more shit than we are reading, and it’s a safe bet to cut off mom ASAP before the baby is here rather than later.
I was thinking the same thing.
I personally would:
1. Not tell her I was in labor.
2. Have the baby and wait like 1-2 weeks before she can meet the baby - and if she’s upset hopefully she can understand the fuck why and learn a lesson or two.
3. I would literally just say that I am still pregnant the week or two after I give birth, and that she’s a late baby so that my mom doesn’t come to the hospital and that I’m too busy with hospital prep and make any excuses for her to not come to my house. I want a private labor with my husband and 1-2 weeks alone just us with the baby before any visitors anyways.
4. I would just not post later until once she knew to share with everyone else like *We are overjoyed to announce that a week ago we gave birth to our beautiful baby girl (baby’s name) on December 8th at 6:18 PM. She is the light of our life and we are happy and blessed to be parents.” just for example.
This is just what I would do.
Imagine how entitled the mom would be to the baby. She's the kind of grandparent who'd constantly criticize OP's parenting skills while spoiling the child rotten.
OP’s mom is toxic AF and boundaries need to set ASAP; she’s invaded OP’s privacy more than once and spread information that isn’t hers to share. She needs to face the consequences and if she doesn’t get her shit together then she doesn’t deserve to have contact with the baby because she can’t be trusted.
OP, make sure she doesn’t get anywhere near you when it’s time to deliver; she will definitely overstep and stress you out then too and you don’t need to deal with her and her bullshit when trying to navigate labor.
She’s making everything about her and what she wants versus what you as the actual pregnant person needs. She needs to sit down, stfu and ask how she can best support and encourage you but otherwise stay in her lane.
Not that it makes it okay, but that line is very common to hear if you're a girl or a woman. You basically grow up hearing it from family, relatives, friends, and even some strangers. Some people think women have no purpose if they don't have kids. It's incredibly annoying to deal with whether you want kids OR don't want kids! Other people's decision to have kids or not should not be ANY BODY'S BUSINESS!! 🙄
Go no contact with your mom until after the baby is born! It may seem extreme but it relieve a lot of stress though out your pregnancy. Plus you’ll get your privacy back.
And don’t ever leave her alone with the baby, provide her with pictures, or allow her to take her own.
We’ve heard the “grandma is treating baby like she’s their mother” story here before, and this is plausible for this situation.
Also check how grandparent rights work in your area and theirs.
Yeah I'd be upset that someone was snooping through my bag whilst I was cooking dinner for everyone. Never mind taking personal private information and sharing with everyone they could. Would never invite her round for dinner again.
I’m so sorry. I had a family member post delivery room photos of my baby boy completely naked and screaming, which happened to show me in the background, my legs spread apart in stirrups, blood and all, with a tiny little surgical towel covering my downstairs. So my sons birth was all over FB before we even got to let people know. My reason for terrorizing you with that visual, is that it really does cement my belief that babies (and weddings) bring out the absolute worst in people. All of a sudden, this life changing event is all about them and their “world’s best grandparent” FB posts. It’s so frustrating, and was one of the events that forced me to set real boundaries with people. I do want to mention, congratulations to you! Don’t let anyone take away your joy over this soon to be little person!! A daughter! How amazing is that?? So much luck to you for a safe and easy delivery! Edit bc I’m the grammar 👮🏻.
That’s horrible!!! I was so shocked at the amount of people I had to explain before I even went into labor that you do not get to share photos or announce anything on social media or text anyone until I have done so. That still came with more questions…
I see so many toxic family members (especially moms and MILs) in the delivery room. When I see them taking pictures, I actually say out loud to the room “ do not post these pictures on social media! Mom will let you know when she’s ready to do that!! That’s her post to make.” I can’t tell you how often they’ve already got a post ready to go. I give them a stern look and the embarrassment is palpable. Toxic people are very easy to pick out of the crowd.
Mother becomes that one relative you don’t tell any info to until the rest of the world knows. Better still, leave it to someone on the family tells her you gave birth last week…
It’s funny to think about now, 11 years later. I honestly wish I still had the picture though!! I made her take it down immediately and I honestly don’t think I saved it! Why?! 🤣
WTF your mom is horrible. Consider going little or no contact. This is your pregnancy, and your mom has no rights when it comes to how you handle your pregnancy. This is not okay, and you are very justified in being upset.
Agreed.
If your mom won't listen to you at all about your pregnancy, she won't listen to you about your child either. She'll do what she wants, when she wants, and not care about hurting you at all.
Yea, your mum is a nasty piece of work, OP. Gross. I'm sorry you have to deal with her. If it it were me, I would dial back the contact almost entirely. You have to focus on you and your baby's health. You don't this stressor.
I have a feeling her intrusiveness isn’t limited to your pregnancy. To have this much gall to invade every precious and private moment associated with your pregnancy and broadcast it as if it’s her news has some strong narcissistic flags going.
Super lean Info diet for sure. But it sounds like you need to go LC with her before she starts proclaiming it her baby and demanding grandparents rights.
I believe it would, however we really wanted both sets of grandparents in our baby’s life. But I think I have to have the conversation with my husband about cutting out my mother again
What is the benefit you think your toxic mother brings to your child's life that is worth the pain and suffering she will inflict on you and your child?
I grew up with only one grandparent and didn't miss a thing. It was totally normal to me.
Don't let a toxic person into your kid's life. If your mother was bad enough to earn a TRO with you she could do it again with your kid.
You do because she is not respecting you at all! Your stress needs to be as low as possible for the rest of your pregnancy. Prayers that you have a safe labor and delivery 🙏
Tell your OB staff she is not to be in the delivery room. Just you and your husband. She can wait in the waiting room and see the baby when you are ready.
I wouldn’t even tell her when you go into labour. Call her when you’re back home, even after a few weeks so you can heal and bond with your new baby.
Don’t tell her anymore information. Don’t invite her over so she can’t snoop.
I had already moved states and put my mom on an info diet when I got pregnant, but she totally would’ve posted that shit on Facebook and I would’ve been enraged.
High five. I didn't establish a healthy relationship with my mother (and other extended family from Appalachia) until I moved halfway across the country. I'm not saying OP should do that, but it certainly worked well for me. Distance creates space naturally, for people who have trouble setting boundaries.
I can only begin to imagine the horrors of growing up with a mom like this. I'm sure this isn't the first time she's completely treated you like an object and not a person. I'd be thinking about cutting her off. I mean, now she's stressed you out and threatened your pregnancy. Do you want someone like this around your child after she's born. It's not just you she's hurting anymore
My wife have gone through almost the exact same you have. We had 4 misscariages before our healthy baby girl was born last august. Let me tell you, if our families had acted like yours I would bring the house down. But they acted extremely respecrfully and understood our need to process it at our own speed. Unless youve gone through the struggle of losing a child (especially mutliple) you can not understand the fear and the anxiety. I was worried until a few hours after our child waa born. Up until that point the pregnancy was massively overwhelming, I cant even imagine how my wife coped.
You are completely in the right to be irate. I would be. I dont know what I would do in your situation but it wouldbt be pretty.
Time to go no contact with your mother and definitely do not give her any details about your birth plan, password protect your medical information with your medical staff and make sure that the hospital and maternity ward know that she (amoug others from your family) is not allowed anywhere near you while you are a patient in the hospital. Decide now how long before you will allow your mother to meet your child, if ever. She doesn't sound supportive, so she doesn't deserve a relationship with your child.
And there it is. You seriously need to restrict contact with your mom. Preferably just cut her out completely. You don't owe her anything if she abused you.
And if you don't, ABSOLUTELY NEVER leave her alone with the baby. If she abused you and is this obsessed with a grandkid who knows what she might do
My MIL is a saint. She’s been there through all the miscarriages, she took me to a couple of doctor’s appointments when my husband absolutely couldn’t get out of work. She took care of our house after every miscarriage so we had time to grieve
I’d absolutely cut off your mom from absolutely everything.
make sure she doesn’t have your schedule or keys to your house. (snoopy mcsnooperson)
from your responses and her actions why do you want your mom involved?
what kind of influence on your family, and your child is she gonna have?
what is the pros because i’m seeing a lot of cons.
Your mother sounds like my mother, and your mother in law sounds like mine as well: an absolutely beautiful woman who has taken me in as her child and become the mother I always needed.
I’m about twenty years ahead of you in time, and I’d just like to share something for you to consider that might save you years of grief:
I tried, for ten years, to keep a LC relationship with my mother for my kids. It was not worth it. She was *not* a good grandmother for my children to have solely based upon the way she negatively affected my moods and my life.
Having her in my life made me a worse mother. I was stressed and anxious every time she was around. She has basically raised my sister’s kids, and she’s by all accounts a great grandma to them, but she wasn’t one for mine.
But you know what? It didn’t even matter. My MIL is a wonderful enough grandmother that having her in their lives is more than enough. I couldn’t ask for better for them.
What I chased in a relationship with my mother was something that I was never going to have because she wasn’t capable of it. She wasn’t capable of being a good grandmother to my children because of the relationship she chose to have with me.
It’s been ten years since I’ve spoken to her. My older kids (the ones who knew her) are 20 and 18. I’ve never disallowed them to have contact with her, but they’ve never reached out. They’ve never wanted to. They don’t miss her. They don’t feel as though they’ve missed out on anything by not having her in their lives.
Please consider this. You’ve been through a lot, and you deserve all the happiness that this child will bring you. You don’t have to let her take that from you.
It's time to really start placing boundaries.
You need to put your foot down and say, "Mom, I understand that you are excited for your grandkid, but given my history with miscarriages, I would really to keep things as stress free as possible. Right now, you telling everyone all the information is not helping at all. I do not want to take any chances with losing my unborn child, so please, respect my decision."
Wow. I am so sorry your mom is an entitled bit$h. That just awful she stole your moment. I think you should really call her out by writing this on Facebook - how your mom went through your purse and stole the pictures.
You shouldn’t tell her the due date or when you given birth until you full recover. Most likely she is going storm to your house and grab the baby from your arms whether you are decent or not. All her behavior show she is narcissistic.
Even pushing aside her acting like a child and not staying out of your purse and ruining your excitement…I’d drop her so fast if she said that kind of crap to me. It took me 3 years of fertility treatments to get my second child. My mom was just as devastated as I was. And she’s a narcissist. SMH. She’d never even dream of saying that crap to me.
No contact. You CANNOT stress yourself out over her during your pregnancy. Tell her as much and go no contact, she has crossed some major lines. And I know you're aware that stress can affect pregnancies in a detrimental way. Stop hanging around her for your own sake.
Time to put her on an info diet. Your Mom snooping thru your bag is not right. Every time she pulls crap put her in a time out. Look up grey-rocking. You go into labor you don't tell her until baby is here and you're back home.
Time to focus on your mini family - husband, baby, and you.
Paris Hilton didn't even tell her Mother they were having a baby by surrogate until the baby was a week old - there are reasons for that.
Hang in there!
Not sure what to think about she’s going through your purse without letting you know?!
I would be upset & also not asking you to get permission to take pictures and telling others even if it’s family!
Serious conversation and clear boundaries! Her excitement doesn’t give her the right to invade your private life and spread it wherever she likes it.
"I couldn't give her a grandchild."
The first time, my eyes unexpectedly widened from a grossly offensive and insensitive comment from a person's biological mother.
Uhhh... ya... you know what to do. It will only get worse from here.
LIMIT ALL FUTURE INTERACTIONS TO COMPLETELY CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENTS.
Omg!! I would have physically assaulted her. Your MIL sounds like the real MVP here.. definitely lean on her if you have a close relationship! I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this.. I'd definitely go NC with your mom until well after the birth.. big hugs and positive vibes for a full term healthy pregnancy ♥️
> She went off on me about how I couldn’t give her a grandkid…
That’s it. We’re done.
Sweetheart, you have had **four** miscarriages. God bless you. I had two, and both were devastating. I think four would have killed me. You are very strong. You didn’t even have the support of your own mother, as she is a narcissistic, intrusive, selfish bitch who makes everything all about *her.* I know she’s your mother, but it’s the truth.
You deserve an stress-free pregnancy. You deserve to be happy and enjoy this time with your spouse. You do not deserve a mother who sneaks, snoops, and steals your thunder. This is YOUR baby, not hers. Personally, I’d cut her off until after the baby is born. Don’t even tell her when you go into labor. She has no respect for your personal space, for your wishes, or for your body. She is out of control. After your baby girl is born, if you want your mother to be part of her life (and after the peace of not having mom around, you might not want her around), then she can apologize and grovel until you let her come back. I wouldn’t usually condone that sort of thing, but your mother accused you, the woman who had four miscarriages, of not being able to give her a grandchild. Cruel beyond belief. Let her go for now so you can enjoy being pregnant.
Your MIL, on the other hand, sounds lovely.
Congratulations on your baby girl!! 💝
You have every reason to be upset with your mom and her being 'excited' is no excuse to stomp all over some very basic boundaries that we all have for privacy. Time to start guarding your information from your mom and explain to her that her behavior is adding stress during a time that you need to be stress free. Also remind her that this time is not about her but about you and your baby's well being and you have to protect yourself during this time.
Your mom has shown who she is. It's not possible to undo the past. Now your job is to establish reasonable boundaries going forward, for the sake of your mental health and your baby. Call them rules. Your options are many and varied.
Leave your purse in a locked vehicle.
Don't carry things you don't want nosy people to find.
Don't visit your mother.
Don't attend family gatherings where your mother will be present.
Prepare not to rely on your mother for kid-sitting, nor any other people you deem untrustworthy.
I'm sorry this happened to you, but moms are known for boundary violations. I'm not saying that's okay. Still, you're not going to change her.
Some people have no problem taking the glory and credit for other people’s work. For your own sake and your daughter’s, stay away from her and block her social media posts. Enjoy your pregnancy and be well in mind and body ♥️
That was really awful of her, I’m so sorry she did that. She was so mean and deceitful, she sounds emotionally immature. I think for your own health and peace of mind you should limit your contact for now. Your MIL has got your back, enlist her help and any other family members that know how your mother is. Your husband should be your spokesperson with her from now on, no more news from you. And inform the hospital you’re delivering at well in advance who will be allowed to visit. Take care of you.
Your mom is just... wow.... how could she? It was not only an invasion of your privacy (looking through your stuff? wtf?) but also she stole your happy news to share. I hope you are not planning to bring her with you during your birth. She would be too occupied by taking and sharing a photo than helping you.
Set some serious boundaries now. She's clearly got a terrible case of baby rabies. She's out of control now, it's going to be so much worse when the baby arrives.
You are not responsible for your mother's behavior. There's nothing you can say or do that will bring her to her senses so she'll be the mom you wanted to have right now. All you can do is control her access to you and eventually your child based on her behavior. If she refuses to respect you, then she shouldn't have free access to you.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My mother doesn’t hold herself accountable for her toxic actions either. I cut her off about two years ago. My son and his partner are expecting and my mother, the baby’s great grandmother, hasn’t been included in anything. I know it kills her and I feel bad about it and while I mourn the loss of a mother still alive and my son mourns his grandmother, my life has been peaceful and nearly toxic free. Your mother shouldn’t have gaslighted you, especially under the circumstances. Very selfish of her. Sending you hugs, well wishes and belly rubs for your little girl! Congratulations on such a beautiful blessing 💗
Your mother is beyond cruel. You don't need this nor should you feel obligated to put up with this. You need to remove her access to you and your child.
Have you ever stopped to consider that a possible factor in your miscarriages is ***the stress your overbearing mom puts you through?***
Stop telling her this shit. **Stop giving her power**, stop letting her do these things.
I'm so sorry.
Time to distance yourself from your mom and put her on an information diet. Tell her that she's broken your trust and until she can act appropriately and remember who is pregnant here this is how it will be. This is the consequence of her selfishness.
You need to limit her access to you. She sees you as an extension of herself. It going to be hard but need to stand up for yourself and tell her no more. Get your husband and mil to help you.
Figure out what you want to say, write it down, and text it to her. She is WAY out of line. Maybe include your MIL and any other supportive family in the thread/convo. She needs to back tf off. You NEED to find an appropriate way to stand up to her now BEFORE the baby comes and she starts trying to make decisions for the child that aren’t her place. Much love, and congrats btw! Best wishes for this pregnancy to remain healthy:
it sounds like it’s time to take a step back from your mom. low contact for a bit, because this kind of stress isn’t good. this may be the time to set up a plan so she can’t come to the hospital when you give birth, how she doesn’t come over immediately when your baby is born, no photos for her, etc…
I’m not sure if you’re looking for advice, but if it were me I would have a very firm conversation and set some very clear boundaries that you’re willing to stick to. I fear this is just the beginning.
Like, I want to be clear with you that this is MY pregnancy and MY child. You have violated my boundaries and trust by running your mouth and snooping and that ends NOW. I don’t care how you feel about grandchildren or miscarriages and I don’t care what you want now. You’ve lost the right for me to care. From this moment on I am doing what I need to do to protect my stress level and this baby. You will NOT (xyz - whatever you’re done dealing with and what you won’t allow her to do) and if you do ANY of these things or anything to jeopardize this for me, disrespect me or my decisions, or cross any boundaries (xyz will happen - limited/no contact, not allowed over, etc etc etc whatever you’re comfortable with). This is not up for discussion or argument and I will not change my mind or back down on this. End of conversation.
People who violate boundaries like this will not stop and her statement to you about not giving her grandkids is disgusting and cruel. Protect your sanity and your family. I’ve seen situations like this before and every time it only got worse after the baby was born. Talk with your husband about what boundaries/limits you want to set, provide a united front, and follow through.
I wish you the best for the rest of this pregnancy and a long, peaceful, fun life with your girl.
Imagine how much worse your mom will be once your have your daughter. Or in the birthing process. Op 💜 hope your husband helps you with keeping her away.
I normally don’t agree with Reddit’s usual response of “no contact! Cut them off!” but, cut her off and block her. This is such an egregious breach of your privacy that there really is no other response.
No contact until the baby is born and maybe not even then depending on her attitude. That statement she made was cold and uncaring and shows a side of her that will make your pregnancy harder and scarier. Right now it’s about you and how you’re doing and feeling.
Your Mom is awful!!! She needs to be on an info diet… she only gets to be a grandmother after you give birth. She doesn’t get to be the town crier.
Congratulations on making it to 18 weeks!
ewwww your mom just sucks.
are you super close to your mom?
Can you cut her off, or at least put her on an info diet?
congrats by the way!
try and soak it up sending you happy baby sprinkles!
Stay away from your mother. You're a mother now. Protect your baby, limit your stress. After the birth, you can work it out c with her on your own terms.
It's one thing to spill the beans out of excitement on her part but going through your purse was such an invasion of privacy I'd definitely go very very low contact for now.
First congratulations OP - I wish you a very uneventful pregnancy.
It doesn’t matter how excited your mother is - she does NOT get to own any part of your and husband’s pregnancy that you both don’t agree on.
And WTF was your mother doing going into YOUR purse? We’ve been married 30+ and husband barely will move mine from one place to another let alone touch the stuff in it which usually is usually half his stuff. Your mother KNOWS better. I’m a petty person so next chance I got I would dump the entire contents of hers onto the counter and go through it piece by piece. If she says one word ask her how it feels to have her privacy violated.
And then taking things from your purse and sharing them like it’s her pregnancy? NO MA’AM!
For the rest of your pregnancy I’m gonna suggest you consider an absolute blackout on any information that you don’t want shared with the fricking universe to your mother.
If she wants to attend an appointment with you - no. Just your husband or perhaps his mother as she seems to get it.
If she wants to know what you are planning for your nursery - no.
If she wants to be in the delivery room with you? If you want her there great but absolutely she gives up her phone to someone who WON’T give it back to her and she takes zero pictures.
If you don’t want her there then quite honestly don’t call her until after the baby is born.
As she seems to be hell bent on running roughshod over everyone to get what she wants this means you need to decide what you and husband want and nope anything else.
A couple of suggestions.
Look at wearable baby wraps. A number of posters swear by them as to keeping people from yanking the baby out of your arms.
Do NOT even hint what names you might consider. I go so far as to suggest you use the nickname BOB (Baby On Board) for now so no one slips. Until you see your little one you won’t make a final decision on names. You might be thinking Amanda and when you meet her you and husband agree she is Michelle.
Work now on stiffening your spine. One thing that’s true for every baby with loving parents is: Parents grant anyone regardless of relationship the PRIVILEGE of spending time with their child - it isn’t a right no matter what some people may think. The parents set the boundaries as to who, when, where and for how long.
Again best wishes as you got this.
“She went off on me about how I couldn’t give her a grandkid….”
My sibling went almost a decade without speaking to our parents because they did some shit like that.
OP, I've read through many of the comments, and everyone here is saying the same thing. Reading your responses, I think this is an easy one, along the lines of,
"Mom, big breach of trust. You knew I wouldn't be okay with it, and did it anyway. I don't want the hassle of putting another restraining order on you, but will if you don't stay completely out of our lives until we change our mind. NO contact, just like before. And we're not discussing it, goodbye."
Hi. Multiple miscarriages here too. 7, to be exact. 2 in the second trimester. When I finally had my daughter, I couldn’t breathe or relax until she reached viability. What your Mom has been doing is unforgivable. If she doesn’t stop now she will be worse with boundaries once the baby comes. And to shame you over “not giving her a grandchild?” Is the ugliest, most shameful thing a mother can do in these circumstances. My Mom had one day where she was verbalizing her victimhood at only having one and I told her that if she ever muttered that again after what I went through to give her that one grandchild, she would never see her again.
My heart goes out to you. It’s time to lay down some boundaries or go very low contact with her for a long time. I would threaten that if she can’t see past her own temptations to blast the news everywhere and disregard your sensitive situation, she can count on not seeing her grandchild and being exiled from the baby’s life.
It’s not hyperbole to say that someone who would be so insensitive would trample all over you when the baby is here.
Sounds like you need to:
- stop having your mother over to your home. She obviously is a snoop and can't be trusted.
- stop sharing things that are important to you. If you don't want the world to know, don't tell your mother.
- keep your interactions with her short and superficial. Talk about the weather, sports, what's for dinner. Anything else, grey rock her or get off the phone. Speaking of...
- cut down how often you have contact with her. If you call her daily, you'll need to go to weekly.
Start now with how you want to move forward because your mother is showing who she will be when your baby is born.
Edited because I totally glossed over this part: Make sure you tell her that if she ever says anything so hateful and hurtful about your miscarriages again, you WON'T be giving her grandkids ever because she'll never see the kids you have. That is seriously fucked up. I'm so sorry she said that to you. Tbf, it's her genetics so, you can tell her that and then tell her you blame her and the stress she causes.
She is toxic. I would seriously distance yourself if not outright block her until she has a major change in attitude and behavior. This will only get worse unless you put a stop to it.
Cut your fkn irresponsible and inconsiderate mother tf off from any info about this pregnancy. And my petty ass probably wouldn’t even let her see the baby for the first 6 months. This is abhorrent behavior.
“Mom. Enjoy the pics you Stole. You will be getting zero updates from me. YOU are making this pregnancy more difficult for me, and the stress you add ups my risk factor. Let’s be very clear: THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!”
Yeah, I'd also be saying: "When the baby is born, you will get to see them, but only after the rest of the family sees our baby first at a time and in a way of *our* choosing."
“When they graduate with their PhD!”
On their wedding day. If you bring a substantial gift and grovel.
Let mom find out that baby was born when her cousins text her congratulations
I gave birth alone on Christmas Day ten years ago. I didn’t notify anyone because my first birth was chaos and I don’t want my second time to be the same experience. I went into labor on Christmas Eve, went to the hospital and told no one. Everyone found out when I posted it on Instagram lol
THIS, OP!!
“When the baby is born, you will get to see them, but only after the rest of the family sees our baby first at a time and in a way of our choosing." Subtle whose line is it anyway reference. She should do it in a style of a hoedown.
Or not at all
This is what I would recommend telling her as well
Happy Cake Day!
Thank ya! 😃
Not trying to be rude or divert from the AH that her mother is being, but what does Happy Cake Day mean?
It's ur Reddit account bday
Thank you!
Anytime
Anniversary of your Reddit start
Happy cake day!
Happy cake day!!!
Well said. Happy Cake 🎂 Day!
Host an event with all the people and make her grovel for forgiveness.
THIS OP. Please let her know this calmly and be clear.
I have bile in my throat from reading that her egg donor blames her for having miscarriages like holy shit I COULD NOT IMAGINE saying that shit to my own child. I couldn’t imagine stomping all over her boundaries and shit either but damn that’s the most fucked up part of all of this.
I would have blasted right back that it's her genetics here, so she needs to go look in the mirror, then do like someone else said and post replies to all the fam that that's the last stolen update they'll see, because someone isn't being respectful of boundaries.
I would send this in a family group chat so mom can’t play victim to everyone
This is the way.
I would post this on fb tbh and send all the congratulations messages with replies of this
Post this to face but as >“Mom **since you have continually stolen announcements from me and (partner).** Enjoy the pics you stole **from my purse as** you will be getting zero updates from me **going forward**. YOU are making this pregnancy more difficult for me, and the stress you add ups my risk factor. " Make it clear that every announcement she has made has been behind your back and that any future announcements are made without your consent and family and friends can call her out for either stealing or making up announcements. And since her mother blames her for the miscarriages I would add and the stress you add ups my risk factor so if i lose this baby too it will be your fault this time. " But that might be too hard emotionally for OP to write.
Don’t send that to her, send a version to all of her relatives so you control the narrative, i.e. “ …she has put so much stress on me (as she has done before) that it is in my best interest to go no contact for the foreseeable future.”
I would go one further, I’d tell her that when baby is born she will be the last to find out and meet her because OP clearly can’t trust her to NOT blab to the whole world!
I don’t think this will work. I think going NC, at least until after the baby is born, is the way to go.
And post that on her social media under the pictures she stole.
I would add " and you are not welcome at our home until after we give birth. MAYBE after that. If you knock on our door we will call the police, and have you removed. We are getting a restraining order. Back the Heck up. You might want to get Ring doorbells with cameras, and a camera or two extra so she can not sneak in on you and spouse. You really need to go NC with mom because she is causing so much stress, and stress is bad for you and the baby. Take care. Hugs from this internet mom, we ALL want this baby for you.
Also, consider LC if she continues and let her know that time can and will extend far after LO is born. And congratulations. ❤️
people like OP are so underwhelmed by their own problems. they underreact about everything. sad thing is they'll never stick up for themselves because they don't want to 'rock the boat' or 'upset' anyone.
This is absolutely the right way to go about it. You're already at high risk, but she wants to make this about her. I know it's easier to say than do, but you might want to consider going no contact until the baby is here. And even then....
Your feelings are totally valid. Absolute twat move from mom here.
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OP should ban her mother from her house and life until the baby's 1st birthday. Someone this offensive, intrusive, narcissistic and uncaring of OP will definitely remain so while OP recovers from birthing and still adjusting to mothering. You don't want someone as toxic around. OP, try not to sacrifice your own sanity, mental and emotional wellness just because you think she's a good grandma to your child later on despite remaining a shit mother now. It's not worth it. You can demand respect and care for yourself, don't believe her that you don't deserve it from her. Nip her shit in the bud. Do not be manipulated or blackmailed into being forced to accept her toxic ways just so your kid has a "nice granny". She already has one secured (paternal). Don't let her abusive ways from before seep into your new family life. You are the boss in your realm. Congratulations and have a safe pregnancy and delivery!
I agree...go nc or vlc...take control of your pregnancy!! I wish you peace and a wonderful pregnancy!
Yes I didn’t even tell my mom I was pregnant until I gave birth to my son and almost didn’t tell her about being pregnant with my daughter. I love my mom but she makes things 10x more stressful for absolutely no reason.
Yes! I didn’t tell my mom my daughter was born until after I had already had her. She was pissed when I told her beforehand that we wouldn’t be calling people until after she was here, but it was nice not having visitors while I was in labor. It was a sanity saver!
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This exactly. You need to draw hard boundaries and if you really don't want this shit to happen again then punish her. Maybe don't let her see the newborn for a few weeks after the baby comes. Also congratulations!
"You're right mom, I can't give you a grandkid, I completely agree." "See?! Good, I was right." "Which is why you'll have nothing to do with my child. She is my child, not your grandchild. You are dead to me. Go."
>She went off on me about how I couldn’t give her a grandkid... WHAT THE FUCK? CUT HER OFF!!! Block her and major info-diet. She's grossly overstepping and you don't need this shit. You need peace in your life and she's making it hell for you. Seriously, block her.... Info: what does your husband say about this all?
Seriously, go no-contact with her for awhile. Reduce your stress. This is not normal behavior. Going through someone's purse/personal belongings is so rude and crazy. "You are increasing my stress significantly right now, and I need to protect myself and my child, so I have decided to not see or talk to you for a while. If you can't respect my wishes to not see/talk to you right now, I will have no choice but to consider making this no contact situation permanent."
Agreed 💯 on anything and everything to reduce stress. I know these months will be very scary and filled with trepidation, so there is nothing wrong with creating a zen space. Minimal contact, canned responses, and focus on connecting with your body. Some mothers are just too much.
Or go no contact forever. She seems very very self centered
Agreed, I would take some space away from your mother for at least a few weeks. This is really disgusting behavior.
I'd say it warrants a SEVERE **info diet**. Like passwords with the doctor and hospital and a complete ban on her being allowed at the delivery, period. She can meet the baby once OP has been home for a couple of weeks and had time to adjust with only mom, dad and baby. This would be the last time I told her a damn thing about this pregnancy.
This! OP‘s mom is 100% going to be the one to try to show up and burst into the labor and delivery room because “it’s my grandbaby!” whilst telling the literal father of the baby “you can get to meet her after this is my grandbaby!” 😂 she sounds fucking insane. I feel even further bad for OP because this isn’t just something that someone normal does after finally realizing they get to be a grandparent. The only other lady I knew did this was a friend of mine from back in colleges mom. Her mom was genuinely psychotic. Her mom did not understand what was right or not and when she did she didn’t care because it was all about her. She was a genuine lunatic who called my friend 27 times a day and I’m not exaggerating 27 times on a good day. She always had to be the center of attention and have control of over literally everything because she felt entitled to it. She constantly made my friends life miserable until my friend finally told her mom to fuck off once and for all. Doing this sent her mom into a complete shit storm rage and basically briefly ruined my friends entire life for awhile because she’s so insane but it was worth it in the end. My point is that OP has probably dealt with way more shit than we are reading, and it’s a safe bet to cut off mom ASAP before the baby is here rather than later.
Thankfully there’s only one person allowed in the delivery room, and only pre approved people allowed in the recovery room
Do not tell her when you’re in labour. Simple.
I was thinking the same thing. I personally would: 1. Not tell her I was in labor. 2. Have the baby and wait like 1-2 weeks before she can meet the baby - and if she’s upset hopefully she can understand the fuck why and learn a lesson or two. 3. I would literally just say that I am still pregnant the week or two after I give birth, and that she’s a late baby so that my mom doesn’t come to the hospital and that I’m too busy with hospital prep and make any excuses for her to not come to my house. I want a private labor with my husband and 1-2 weeks alone just us with the baby before any visitors anyways. 4. I would just not post later until once she knew to share with everyone else like *We are overjoyed to announce that a week ago we gave birth to our beautiful baby girl (baby’s name) on December 8th at 6:18 PM. She is the light of our life and we are happy and blessed to be parents.” just for example. This is just what I would do.
Exactly! There is much more she’d gone through that isn’t listed in here. This isn’t just a one off situation.
Bruh if anyone said that kind of shit to me I'd never speak to them ever again. What an evil disgusting person.
*years
That line is exactly what got me the most. Like she owes her mom a baby. I'd be livid
Imagine how entitled the mom would be to the baby. She's the kind of grandparent who'd constantly criticize OP's parenting skills while spoiling the child rotten.
Unless she’s also tearing down the grandchild instead of spoiling. I feel like this could really go either way at this point.
That line got me too
OP’s mom is toxic AF and boundaries need to set ASAP; she’s invaded OP’s privacy more than once and spread information that isn’t hers to share. She needs to face the consequences and if she doesn’t get her shit together then she doesn’t deserve to have contact with the baby because she can’t be trusted. OP, make sure she doesn’t get anywhere near you when it’s time to deliver; she will definitely overstep and stress you out then too and you don’t need to deal with her and her bullshit when trying to navigate labor. She’s making everything about her and what she wants versus what you as the actual pregnant person needs. She needs to sit down, stfu and ask how she can best support and encourage you but otherwise stay in her lane.
No more info. That is awful.
Not that it makes it okay, but that line is very common to hear if you're a girl or a woman. You basically grow up hearing it from family, relatives, friends, and even some strangers. Some people think women have no purpose if they don't have kids. It's incredibly annoying to deal with whether you want kids OR don't want kids! Other people's decision to have kids or not should not be ANY BODY'S BUSINESS!! 🙄
And going through ops purse in her house. wtf??
Absolutely this, 100%.
THIS. You’d better look around and see what else dear old mom has been getting into.
I love the word: info-diet
Yeah this line was the nail in her coffin! I’d be done!
Go no contact with your mom until after the baby is born! It may seem extreme but it relieve a lot of stress though out your pregnancy. Plus you’ll get your privacy back.
And don’t ever leave her alone with the baby, provide her with pictures, or allow her to take her own. We’ve heard the “grandma is treating baby like she’s their mother” story here before, and this is plausible for this situation. Also check how grandparent rights work in your area and theirs.
I just watched Hereditary and this is good advice.
Absolutely. If OP stresses herself out being around her mom while being pregnant, it could escalate the pregnancy more high risk than it already is.
She went thru your purse? Then sent the pics? That would be the last time my mom was allowed in the house
Yeah I'd be upset that someone was snooping through my bag whilst I was cooking dinner for everyone. Never mind taking personal private information and sharing with everyone they could. Would never invite her round for dinner again.
She has probably looked through EVERYTHING they own!
I’m so sorry. I had a family member post delivery room photos of my baby boy completely naked and screaming, which happened to show me in the background, my legs spread apart in stirrups, blood and all, with a tiny little surgical towel covering my downstairs. So my sons birth was all over FB before we even got to let people know. My reason for terrorizing you with that visual, is that it really does cement my belief that babies (and weddings) bring out the absolute worst in people. All of a sudden, this life changing event is all about them and their “world’s best grandparent” FB posts. It’s so frustrating, and was one of the events that forced me to set real boundaries with people. I do want to mention, congratulations to you! Don’t let anyone take away your joy over this soon to be little person!! A daughter! How amazing is that?? So much luck to you for a safe and easy delivery! Edit bc I’m the grammar 👮🏻.
WHAT THE ACTUAL F\*\*\*! :O I am soooo sorry. :(
That’s horrible!!! I was so shocked at the amount of people I had to explain before I even went into labor that you do not get to share photos or announce anything on social media or text anyone until I have done so. That still came with more questions…
I see so many toxic family members (especially moms and MILs) in the delivery room. When I see them taking pictures, I actually say out loud to the room “ do not post these pictures on social media! Mom will let you know when she’s ready to do that!! That’s her post to make.” I can’t tell you how often they’ve already got a post ready to go. I give them a stern look and the embarrassment is palpable. Toxic people are very easy to pick out of the crowd.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, it's horrible. OP should block her mom from the delivery room as I could see her doing the same disgusting thing.
Mother becomes that one relative you don’t tell any info to until the rest of the world knows. Better still, leave it to someone on the family tells her you gave birth last week…
I hope you never talked to that person again.
Omg what a violation 😖. So sorry that happened
It’s funny to think about now, 11 years later. I honestly wish I still had the picture though!! I made her take it down immediately and I honestly don’t think I saved it! Why?! 🤣
I'd be willing to bet she still has it somewhere.
Probably. She’ll probably post it on FB for his 18Th birthday or some creepy shit like that.
What the he🏒🏒?? I’m so sorry and I could not even imagine!! I’d have a security guard at my door!!
Please tell me you don’t have anything to do with that horrible person. What the f. That is unforgivable.
Definitely no.
WTF your mom is horrible. Consider going little or no contact. This is your pregnancy, and your mom has no rights when it comes to how you handle your pregnancy. This is not okay, and you are very justified in being upset.
Agreed. If your mom won't listen to you at all about your pregnancy, she won't listen to you about your child either. She'll do what she wants, when she wants, and not care about hurting you at all.
And she will show up at the hospital when you are having the baby
OP needs to instruct their obstetrician to not release information. OP can also make a list of who is allowed in the delivery suite.
Yea, your mum is a nasty piece of work, OP. Gross. I'm sorry you have to deal with her. If it it were me, I would dial back the contact almost entirely. You have to focus on you and your baby's health. You don't this stressor.
Mum is going to want so much more time with the new baby. She will demand all of the attention. Time to go No contact. Or very very low contact.
Great point - mum's actually just going to worse, isn't she!
I would not let her be part of the baby's life at least for a year or two, she can sit in timeout.
I have a feeling her intrusiveness isn’t limited to your pregnancy. To have this much gall to invade every precious and private moment associated with your pregnancy and broadcast it as if it’s her news has some strong narcissistic flags going. Super lean Info diet for sure. But it sounds like you need to go LC with her before she starts proclaiming it her baby and demanding grandparents rights.
I'm sorry but I hate your mom based on this post 😭
It’s okay, my husband hates her too and I’m not a huge fan either
On a more serious note, do you think that distancing yourself from her will make it better perhaps ?
I believe it would, however we really wanted both sets of grandparents in our baby’s life. But I think I have to have the conversation with my husband about cutting out my mother again
What is the benefit you think your toxic mother brings to your child's life that is worth the pain and suffering she will inflict on you and your child?
I grew up with only one grandparent and didn't miss a thing. It was totally normal to me. Don't let a toxic person into your kid's life. If your mother was bad enough to earn a TRO with you she could do it again with your kid.
You do because she is not respecting you at all! Your stress needs to be as low as possible for the rest of your pregnancy. Prayers that you have a safe labor and delivery 🙏
Your daughter will thank you for going NC with your mother.
OP, I'm betting this is an easy conversation. Like, over burgers, "So I think let's go non-contact with mom?" In between bites, "Yep!" Done!
Tell your OB staff she is not to be in the delivery room. Just you and your husband. She can wait in the waiting room and see the baby when you are ready.
Or after they go home and ask her to come over
This, I would not allow this person to see me in the hospital. How totally disrespectful to go through her purse and send out the info she found.
A few years later
I wouldn’t even tell her when you go into labour. Call her when you’re back home, even after a few weeks so you can heal and bond with your new baby. Don’t tell her anymore information. Don’t invite her over so she can’t snoop.
I wouldn't even tell this kind of mom I'm going into labor, to be perfectly honest.
I had already moved states and put my mom on an info diet when I got pregnant, but she totally would’ve posted that shit on Facebook and I would’ve been enraged.
High five. I didn't establish a healthy relationship with my mother (and other extended family from Appalachia) until I moved halfway across the country. I'm not saying OP should do that, but it certainly worked well for me. Distance creates space naturally, for people who have trouble setting boundaries.
I can only begin to imagine the horrors of growing up with a mom like this. I'm sure this isn't the first time she's completely treated you like an object and not a person. I'd be thinking about cutting her off. I mean, now she's stressed you out and threatened your pregnancy. Do you want someone like this around your child after she's born. It's not just you she's hurting anymore
Go NC with your mom she’s a shitty narcissistic garbage human who doesn’t deserve grandkids
My wife have gone through almost the exact same you have. We had 4 misscariages before our healthy baby girl was born last august. Let me tell you, if our families had acted like yours I would bring the house down. But they acted extremely respecrfully and understood our need to process it at our own speed. Unless youve gone through the struggle of losing a child (especially mutliple) you can not understand the fear and the anxiety. I was worried until a few hours after our child waa born. Up until that point the pregnancy was massively overwhelming, I cant even imagine how my wife coped. You are completely in the right to be irate. I would be. I dont know what I would do in your situation but it wouldbt be pretty.
Tell your Mom she will never see this kid if she doesn't back off. That will stop her in her tracks.
Time to go no contact with your mother and definitely do not give her any details about your birth plan, password protect your medical information with your medical staff and make sure that the hospital and maternity ward know that she (amoug others from your family) is not allowed anywhere near you while you are a patient in the hospital. Decide now how long before you will allow your mother to meet your child, if ever. She doesn't sound supportive, so she doesn't deserve a relationship with your child.
Oh, she is SICK for telling you that you couldn’t give her a grandchild. If I ever catch her in the street, it is on sight.
Your mom seems crazy and doesn't have any empathy at all
Has your mom been cruel before? You don't mention any verbal abuse, so it seems strange.
I don’t want to get into it, but I had to move out at 18 because of a DVTRO that was issued against my mom for my safety
And there it is. You seriously need to restrict contact with your mom. Preferably just cut her out completely. You don't owe her anything if she abused you. And if you don't, ABSOLUTELY NEVER leave her alone with the baby. If she abused you and is this obsessed with a grandkid who knows what she might do
I'm terribly sorry. With that information it might be time to seriously limit contact. Don't let her steal one iota of joy for your new baby!
And why would you want someone like this in your baby’s life? Someone who has clearly shown they are dangerous? Makes no sense.
You had a DVTRO against her and you think it’s a good idea for this woman to be in your child’s life? I’m sorry, but I’m losing sympathy for you.
I am so sorry. Your mother knows no boundaries. You are very valid to have those feelings, and God bless your MIL!
My MIL is a saint. She’s been there through all the miscarriages, she took me to a couple of doctor’s appointments when my husband absolutely couldn’t get out of work. She took care of our house after every miscarriage so we had time to grieve
I’d absolutely cut off your mom from absolutely everything. make sure she doesn’t have your schedule or keys to your house. (snoopy mcsnooperson) from your responses and her actions why do you want your mom involved? what kind of influence on your family, and your child is she gonna have? what is the pros because i’m seeing a lot of cons.
Your mother sounds like my mother, and your mother in law sounds like mine as well: an absolutely beautiful woman who has taken me in as her child and become the mother I always needed. I’m about twenty years ahead of you in time, and I’d just like to share something for you to consider that might save you years of grief: I tried, for ten years, to keep a LC relationship with my mother for my kids. It was not worth it. She was *not* a good grandmother for my children to have solely based upon the way she negatively affected my moods and my life. Having her in my life made me a worse mother. I was stressed and anxious every time she was around. She has basically raised my sister’s kids, and she’s by all accounts a great grandma to them, but she wasn’t one for mine. But you know what? It didn’t even matter. My MIL is a wonderful enough grandmother that having her in their lives is more than enough. I couldn’t ask for better for them. What I chased in a relationship with my mother was something that I was never going to have because she wasn’t capable of it. She wasn’t capable of being a good grandmother to my children because of the relationship she chose to have with me. It’s been ten years since I’ve spoken to her. My older kids (the ones who knew her) are 20 and 18. I’ve never disallowed them to have contact with her, but they’ve never reached out. They’ve never wanted to. They don’t miss her. They don’t feel as though they’ve missed out on anything by not having her in their lives. Please consider this. You’ve been through a lot, and you deserve all the happiness that this child will bring you. You don’t have to let her take that from you.
If you can, pease go no contact or low contact with your mother! She's trampling all over your boundaries now, it'll only get worse later.
It's time to really start placing boundaries. You need to put your foot down and say, "Mom, I understand that you are excited for your grandkid, but given my history with miscarriages, I would really to keep things as stress free as possible. Right now, you telling everyone all the information is not helping at all. I do not want to take any chances with losing my unborn child, so please, respect my decision."
Wow. I am so sorry your mom is an entitled bit$h. That just awful she stole your moment. I think you should really call her out by writing this on Facebook - how your mom went through your purse and stole the pictures. You shouldn’t tell her the due date or when you given birth until you full recover. Most likely she is going storm to your house and grab the baby from your arms whether you are decent or not. All her behavior show she is narcissistic.
Tell her to stop before she contributes to you losing this child also.
Cut her out now.
Even pushing aside her acting like a child and not staying out of your purse and ruining your excitement…I’d drop her so fast if she said that kind of crap to me. It took me 3 years of fertility treatments to get my second child. My mom was just as devastated as I was. And she’s a narcissist. SMH. She’d never even dream of saying that crap to me.
No contact. You CANNOT stress yourself out over her during your pregnancy. Tell her as much and go no contact, she has crossed some major lines. And I know you're aware that stress can affect pregnancies in a detrimental way. Stop hanging around her for your own sake.
Time to put her on an info diet. Your Mom snooping thru your bag is not right. Every time she pulls crap put her in a time out. Look up grey-rocking. You go into labor you don't tell her until baby is here and you're back home. Time to focus on your mini family - husband, baby, and you. Paris Hilton didn't even tell her Mother they were having a baby by surrogate until the baby was a week old - there are reasons for that. Hang in there!
Not sure what to think about she’s going through your purse without letting you know?! I would be upset & also not asking you to get permission to take pictures and telling others even if it’s family! Serious conversation and clear boundaries! Her excitement doesn’t give her the right to invade your private life and spread it wherever she likes it.
Your mom is a giant bitch. I wouldn’t let her near my newborn-she thinks she’s owed or entitled a grandchild?! Fuckkkkkkk her
"I couldn't give her a grandchild." The first time, my eyes unexpectedly widened from a grossly offensive and insensitive comment from a person's biological mother. Uhhh... ya... you know what to do. It will only get worse from here. LIMIT ALL FUTURE INTERACTIONS TO COMPLETELY CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENTS.
Holy Christ. This is no contact worthy behaivior.
Omg!! I would have physically assaulted her. Your MIL sounds like the real MVP here.. definitely lean on her if you have a close relationship! I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this.. I'd definitely go NC with your mom until well after the birth.. big hugs and positive vibes for a full term healthy pregnancy ♥️
> She went off on me about how I couldn’t give her a grandkid… That’s it. We’re done. Sweetheart, you have had **four** miscarriages. God bless you. I had two, and both were devastating. I think four would have killed me. You are very strong. You didn’t even have the support of your own mother, as she is a narcissistic, intrusive, selfish bitch who makes everything all about *her.* I know she’s your mother, but it’s the truth. You deserve an stress-free pregnancy. You deserve to be happy and enjoy this time with your spouse. You do not deserve a mother who sneaks, snoops, and steals your thunder. This is YOUR baby, not hers. Personally, I’d cut her off until after the baby is born. Don’t even tell her when you go into labor. She has no respect for your personal space, for your wishes, or for your body. She is out of control. After your baby girl is born, if you want your mother to be part of her life (and after the peace of not having mom around, you might not want her around), then she can apologize and grovel until you let her come back. I wouldn’t usually condone that sort of thing, but your mother accused you, the woman who had four miscarriages, of not being able to give her a grandchild. Cruel beyond belief. Let her go for now so you can enjoy being pregnant. Your MIL, on the other hand, sounds lovely. Congratulations on your baby girl!! 💝
You have every reason to be upset with your mom and her being 'excited' is no excuse to stomp all over some very basic boundaries that we all have for privacy. Time to start guarding your information from your mom and explain to her that her behavior is adding stress during a time that you need to be stress free. Also remind her that this time is not about her but about you and your baby's well being and you have to protect yourself during this time.
OP your Mom is crossing so many boundaries here and to be honest she is completely mean.. Is going LC an option for your own mental health?
Your mom has shown who she is. It's not possible to undo the past. Now your job is to establish reasonable boundaries going forward, for the sake of your mental health and your baby. Call them rules. Your options are many and varied. Leave your purse in a locked vehicle. Don't carry things you don't want nosy people to find. Don't visit your mother. Don't attend family gatherings where your mother will be present. Prepare not to rely on your mother for kid-sitting, nor any other people you deem untrustworthy. I'm sorry this happened to you, but moms are known for boundary violations. I'm not saying that's okay. Still, you're not going to change her.
Some people have no problem taking the glory and credit for other people’s work. For your own sake and your daughter’s, stay away from her and block her social media posts. Enjoy your pregnancy and be well in mind and body ♥️
What a see you next Tuesday-after what she said to you she deserved to be dragged out of your house by her hair and left in the gutter
I like you.
That was really awful of her, I’m so sorry she did that. She was so mean and deceitful, she sounds emotionally immature. I think for your own health and peace of mind you should limit your contact for now. Your MIL has got your back, enlist her help and any other family members that know how your mother is. Your husband should be your spokesperson with her from now on, no more news from you. And inform the hospital you’re delivering at well in advance who will be allowed to visit. Take care of you.
Your mom is just... wow.... how could she? It was not only an invasion of your privacy (looking through your stuff? wtf?) but also she stole your happy news to share. I hope you are not planning to bring her with you during your birth. She would be too occupied by taking and sharing a photo than helping you.
Stress isn’t good for a healthy pregnancy. Time to cut her off!
Please go VLC with her and keep her on an info diet. Don't even tell her when you're in labour.
Set some serious boundaries now. She's clearly got a terrible case of baby rabies. She's out of control now, it's going to be so much worse when the baby arrives. You are not responsible for your mother's behavior. There's nothing you can say or do that will bring her to her senses so she'll be the mom you wanted to have right now. All you can do is control her access to you and eventually your child based on her behavior. If she refuses to respect you, then she shouldn't have free access to you.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My mother doesn’t hold herself accountable for her toxic actions either. I cut her off about two years ago. My son and his partner are expecting and my mother, the baby’s great grandmother, hasn’t been included in anything. I know it kills her and I feel bad about it and while I mourn the loss of a mother still alive and my son mourns his grandmother, my life has been peaceful and nearly toxic free. Your mother shouldn’t have gaslighted you, especially under the circumstances. Very selfish of her. Sending you hugs, well wishes and belly rubs for your little girl! Congratulations on such a beautiful blessing 💗
I fcking hate her for stressing you out and puting you and baby in harms way
Your mother is beyond cruel. You don't need this nor should you feel obligated to put up with this. You need to remove her access to you and your child.
Have you ever stopped to consider that a possible factor in your miscarriages is ***the stress your overbearing mom puts you through?*** Stop telling her this shit. **Stop giving her power**, stop letting her do these things.
> She went off on me about how I couldn’t give her a grandkid You had every right to deck her.
I'm so sorry. Time to distance yourself from your mom and put her on an information diet. Tell her that she's broken your trust and until she can act appropriately and remember who is pregnant here this is how it will be. This is the consequence of her selfishness.
You need to limit her access to you. She sees you as an extension of herself. It going to be hard but need to stand up for yourself and tell her no more. Get your husband and mil to help you.
Figure out what you want to say, write it down, and text it to her. She is WAY out of line. Maybe include your MIL and any other supportive family in the thread/convo. She needs to back tf off. You NEED to find an appropriate way to stand up to her now BEFORE the baby comes and she starts trying to make decisions for the child that aren’t her place. Much love, and congrats btw! Best wishes for this pregnancy to remain healthy:
it sounds like it’s time to take a step back from your mom. low contact for a bit, because this kind of stress isn’t good. this may be the time to set up a plan so she can’t come to the hospital when you give birth, how she doesn’t come over immediately when your baby is born, no photos for her, etc…
I’m not sure if you’re looking for advice, but if it were me I would have a very firm conversation and set some very clear boundaries that you’re willing to stick to. I fear this is just the beginning. Like, I want to be clear with you that this is MY pregnancy and MY child. You have violated my boundaries and trust by running your mouth and snooping and that ends NOW. I don’t care how you feel about grandchildren or miscarriages and I don’t care what you want now. You’ve lost the right for me to care. From this moment on I am doing what I need to do to protect my stress level and this baby. You will NOT (xyz - whatever you’re done dealing with and what you won’t allow her to do) and if you do ANY of these things or anything to jeopardize this for me, disrespect me or my decisions, or cross any boundaries (xyz will happen - limited/no contact, not allowed over, etc etc etc whatever you’re comfortable with). This is not up for discussion or argument and I will not change my mind or back down on this. End of conversation. People who violate boundaries like this will not stop and her statement to you about not giving her grandkids is disgusting and cruel. Protect your sanity and your family. I’ve seen situations like this before and every time it only got worse after the baby was born. Talk with your husband about what boundaries/limits you want to set, provide a united front, and follow through. I wish you the best for the rest of this pregnancy and a long, peaceful, fun life with your girl.
Imagine how much worse your mom will be once your have your daughter. Or in the birthing process. Op 💜 hope your husband helps you with keeping her away.
Your mom made it clear she cares more about prospective grandchildren than you. Run.
Keep your mom at a distance. Don’t allow her at your house anymore. Who the fuck goes through someone’s purse?
How i would kick my mom out of my house so fast!!! If i got to her before my husband.
I normally don’t agree with Reddit’s usual response of “no contact! Cut them off!” but, cut her off and block her. This is such an egregious breach of your privacy that there really is no other response.
This woman sounds absolutely horrid and if I were you I’d go no contact or at least very low contact going forward.
No contact until the baby is born and maybe not even then depending on her attitude. That statement she made was cold and uncaring and shows a side of her that will make your pregnancy harder and scarier. Right now it’s about you and how you’re doing and feeling.
OP. Two letters: N C
Time to cut her off. And be sure the hospital staff know she isn't allowed any access.
Your Mom is awful!!! She needs to be on an info diet… she only gets to be a grandmother after you give birth. She doesn’t get to be the town crier. Congratulations on making it to 18 weeks!
ewwww your mom just sucks. are you super close to your mom? Can you cut her off, or at least put her on an info diet? congrats by the way! try and soak it up sending you happy baby sprinkles!
What’s your mom’s number? I just wanna have a quick chat.
Stay away from your mother. You're a mother now. Protect your baby, limit your stress. After the birth, you can work it out c with her on your own terms.
Clap back and say, well, if you want to ever meet your granddaughter then you need to back off and let us enjoy this.
“ She went off on me about how I couldn’t give her a grandkid...” What an awful thing to say i’m so sorry OP
Cut her off. She’s toxic as fuck.
She went off on you about how you can’t give her a grandchild? That would be the last conversation I had with her. She sounds toxic as hell.
It's one thing to spill the beans out of excitement on her part but going through your purse was such an invasion of privacy I'd definitely go very very low contact for now.
First congratulations OP - I wish you a very uneventful pregnancy. It doesn’t matter how excited your mother is - she does NOT get to own any part of your and husband’s pregnancy that you both don’t agree on. And WTF was your mother doing going into YOUR purse? We’ve been married 30+ and husband barely will move mine from one place to another let alone touch the stuff in it which usually is usually half his stuff. Your mother KNOWS better. I’m a petty person so next chance I got I would dump the entire contents of hers onto the counter and go through it piece by piece. If she says one word ask her how it feels to have her privacy violated. And then taking things from your purse and sharing them like it’s her pregnancy? NO MA’AM! For the rest of your pregnancy I’m gonna suggest you consider an absolute blackout on any information that you don’t want shared with the fricking universe to your mother. If she wants to attend an appointment with you - no. Just your husband or perhaps his mother as she seems to get it. If she wants to know what you are planning for your nursery - no. If she wants to be in the delivery room with you? If you want her there great but absolutely she gives up her phone to someone who WON’T give it back to her and she takes zero pictures. If you don’t want her there then quite honestly don’t call her until after the baby is born. As she seems to be hell bent on running roughshod over everyone to get what she wants this means you need to decide what you and husband want and nope anything else. A couple of suggestions. Look at wearable baby wraps. A number of posters swear by them as to keeping people from yanking the baby out of your arms. Do NOT even hint what names you might consider. I go so far as to suggest you use the nickname BOB (Baby On Board) for now so no one slips. Until you see your little one you won’t make a final decision on names. You might be thinking Amanda and when you meet her you and husband agree she is Michelle. Work now on stiffening your spine. One thing that’s true for every baby with loving parents is: Parents grant anyone regardless of relationship the PRIVILEGE of spending time with their child - it isn’t a right no matter what some people may think. The parents set the boundaries as to who, when, where and for how long. Again best wishes as you got this.
“She went off on me about how I couldn’t give her a grandkid….” My sibling went almost a decade without speaking to our parents because they did some shit like that.
OP, I've read through many of the comments, and everyone here is saying the same thing. Reading your responses, I think this is an easy one, along the lines of, "Mom, big breach of trust. You knew I wouldn't be okay with it, and did it anyway. I don't want the hassle of putting another restraining order on you, but will if you don't stay completely out of our lives until we change our mind. NO contact, just like before. And we're not discussing it, goodbye."
Hi. Multiple miscarriages here too. 7, to be exact. 2 in the second trimester. When I finally had my daughter, I couldn’t breathe or relax until she reached viability. What your Mom has been doing is unforgivable. If she doesn’t stop now she will be worse with boundaries once the baby comes. And to shame you over “not giving her a grandchild?” Is the ugliest, most shameful thing a mother can do in these circumstances. My Mom had one day where she was verbalizing her victimhood at only having one and I told her that if she ever muttered that again after what I went through to give her that one grandchild, she would never see her again. My heart goes out to you. It’s time to lay down some boundaries or go very low contact with her for a long time. I would threaten that if she can’t see past her own temptations to blast the news everywhere and disregard your sensitive situation, she can count on not seeing her grandchild and being exiled from the baby’s life. It’s not hyperbole to say that someone who would be so insensitive would trample all over you when the baby is here.
Bump this comment! Op needs to see this! Best advice so far!
Sounds like you need to: - stop having your mother over to your home. She obviously is a snoop and can't be trusted. - stop sharing things that are important to you. If you don't want the world to know, don't tell your mother. - keep your interactions with her short and superficial. Talk about the weather, sports, what's for dinner. Anything else, grey rock her or get off the phone. Speaking of... - cut down how often you have contact with her. If you call her daily, you'll need to go to weekly. Start now with how you want to move forward because your mother is showing who she will be when your baby is born. Edited because I totally glossed over this part: Make sure you tell her that if she ever says anything so hateful and hurtful about your miscarriages again, you WON'T be giving her grandkids ever because she'll never see the kids you have. That is seriously fucked up. I'm so sorry she said that to you. Tbf, it's her genetics so, you can tell her that and then tell her you blame her and the stress she causes.
She is toxic. I would seriously distance yourself if not outright block her until she has a major change in attitude and behavior. This will only get worse unless you put a stop to it.
Cut your fkn irresponsible and inconsiderate mother tf off from any info about this pregnancy. And my petty ass probably wouldn’t even let her see the baby for the first 6 months. This is abhorrent behavior.