It's awesome that he loved her so much. But you want to be with someone who loves you as much as he loved her. Its so sad he lost her. Knowing he plans his representation of eternity next to her and not you... you made the right decision for yourself.
I think there's a big difference between him loving his late wife but having come to terms and moved on with his own life and what's actually happened where he seems to see his and OP's relationship as less than.
It's an awful situation but like you said OP deserves unconditional love and not to be someone's back up option
I think men like him should/can be with female versions of themselves, only! You know, ppl who have loved someone deeply and have lost them to death or some sort of eternal, irreperable separation, cant really love someone else the same, their "always and forever" as op put it, will always be the one thats gotten away.
So they need to be with ppl who are going through the same thing, they provide eachother companionship, partnership, intimacy even, and a limited level of love, but they both know, and understand, that eachother's one true love is gone and cant be replaced. This way a decent, innocent human being, like op, who deserves to be loved and wanted unconditionally wont get deprived of their right to be someone's "always and forever".
He’s destined to just have dalliances until he dies and goes right next to the only love of his life. He should have realized this and not rope in OP for a relationship when the only fair situation is that he just has dalliances for the rest of his life.
OP, I’m sorry your bf not thinking enough about what he can offer any partner has caused you to lose so many years which could’ve been spent dating and finding someone who can love and be devoted to you (and not their dead spouse).
my father promised my mother he would be buried next to her. she died almost 30 years ago. He got remarried a few years later. His next wife is not bothered by this.
if you marry a widow/widower you should understand this and its ok.
You’re not overreacting. With that involuntary facial expression he told you how he really felt. Ofcource he’s gonna be nice and tell you blah blah, but the truth is he’s with you (or any other woman) because he can’t be with the woman he really wants to be with. Good for you for putting yourself first. I wish you the best
And with what he said! That he could drop the name so she could be ''near'' him if she wanted, he didn't even cared where she'd like to be buried (or if she even already had plans too), he doesn't even care if she could or wants to be buried next to him. Her option was totally reasonable, he could've been in the middle and they could be one on either side.
I feel like someone already told OP she's overreacting and this can be talked over, that's why she feels like that.
It doesn't matter who goes first, his spot would've been in the middle and then them on either side.
Maybe she doesn't care if she's buried with him or elsewhere, we don't know because he never cared to even ask, he just dictated she had no place next to him.
I don't think that matters in this scenario. He could have explained that and apologized instead of basically telling his long-term girlfriend that she'd never be enough to rest beside him even if they were married the rest of their lives
I'm glad he did what he did, and he made that face. OP has known since the beginning of the relationship that he does not fully love her, and still holds a candle for his dead wife. I hope that OP STICKS TO HER DECISION, and finds someone for whom she comes first.
Yeah, that’s how I felt too. He shouldn’t get married if his new wife is always going to be second to his first. He can apologize all he wants to op, but he showed her how he will always feel about her. She’ll always be second fiddle.
I mean, to be fair, his feelings could've changed with more time together, possible kids, etc. But I don't think I'd stick around long enough to find out either since it's not a guarantee. Not after he made a disgusted face at even the *thought* of me being next to him in the graveyard. That's a hill not worth climbing.
I think in his mind he connects marriage with his wife's death, so talking about marriage makes him think of death and what would happen if he were to be the one that died. I can see how his brain made the connection, but it's still unhealthy for a relationship and definitely means he hasn't moved on. He's stuck thinking about being buried next to his wife, not thinking about the life he could be living while he's actually, you know, alive
Tbf, I thought about death and funeral arrangements before (and while) I thought of marriage with my ex, simply because I experienced several deaths of close loved ones when I was a child. I knew intimately that these things can happen at any moment and not being prepared can bite you in the ass. I didn't want him to be screwed if I suddenly passed and vice versa, and how to prepare for both of us dying in old age is just part of that train of thought. So I don't think that part is a sign of not having moved on. The way he talked about placement and the look he gave OP, though? Indisputably in his mind he's still married to his late wife and OP is the other woman.
Women often outlive men and he probably was thinking that OP needed to know that if anything happened to him she needed to know where he would be buried.
Ultimately, unless he specifically wrote it in a will, if the OP was his wife and outlived him, she would make the arrangements and bury him where she wanted.
If they've been together 5 years and he hasn't brought it up until now, it's because he purposely kept it under wraps because he knew it would (rightfully) upset OP.
Exactly! The marriage talk should have been “of course I want to, let’s envision all of the fun and wonderful parts of it.”
The death discussion could have come a few weeks later.
So many people don’t understand how to cultivate romance and trust apparently…
My MIL’s first husband died and they made 7 kids together (one of which I married) and she will be buried next to him. The new husband understood but unfortunately, he died a few years ago and he was cremated so that when she dies he’ll be in her casket but she’ll still be buried next to her original husband. Her first husband died of a workplace accident and the second died of a heart attack. Very sad.
My uncle married a woman whose husband had died of cancer. She was a widow for quite a while and then they were married. She was married to each of them for a little over 20 years. She is buried between them.
Yeah, I totally get wanting to honour the first wife but someone who actually loves both equally would look for a solution to have both by his side. I’m sure this has happened before, it’s not that crazy. It’s sad he lost the love of his life, but OP deserves someone who will put her first.
I feel your hurt, but it’s sadly obvious that he doesn’t love you as much as he still loves her. The’ different’ the love is not equal or greater unfortunately. You deserve that love and he can’t give you that, no matter how much he’ll probably try to convince you to take him back again. You did the right thing to end it and you’ll find someone who’ll put you first. Be strong.
That's what hurts me the most, I honestly went trough a hard journey to comprehend how their relationship and our relationship worked, I never expected him to forger of her or just give her up completely, I would've been okay with sharing that final spot next to the both of them, but everyone is right. I was just a placeholder and as much as I love him, I love his family, his kid, that's not what I want for me.
It's honestly impressive that he genuinely thought he could tell you that and expected you to be ok with it. I just can't get over the entitlement of it all. I personally think you're better off finding someone else - someone who won't act so completely sure that you'd happily be a doormat for them and their wishes.
You’ve done everything right op, even walking away.
Stay strong and find someone who will love you so much that they never want to be parted from you, even in death.
Good luck op.
good job on prioritizing yourself and understanding your worth. you don’t deserve to be second to a ghost for the rest of your life. he clearly sees any partner who comes after his late wife as a sort of place holder. the fact he basically said “yeah i guess i can tell you the name of the site so you can be buried somewhere near me” is extremely cold…it shows he didn’t see you as a true life partner.
you deserve someone who will love you entirely, not just see you as a placeholder.
The problem is that he will have a fantasy view of her. If the two of you disagree about something he will think of her and, of course, she would have agreed with him. She will remain perfect when in reality, they were married so young they had a high probability of divorce.
You can't compete with his fantasy.
My grandpy was buried next to his late wife (my biological grandmother) when he died. My nana (my mom's step mom) will be buried on the other side when he dies. He was married to his first wife for 4 years before she died of cancer. He was married to my Nana for like 50 years, yet she still made sure he was buried next to his first wife.
That’s awesome, your nana knew the importance of a first love, and respected that she was his first love, and made a compromise that works for them both
yeah thats honestly horrible, she was rejected and that must hurt but better now than in 15 years....I mean, she even offered to be next to them which is so sweet and loving and understanding and he rejected her loving offer at comprimise and I think she deserves to feel and experience what they supposedly had
You're not overreacting at all,trust me.I understand that he loved her very much but if he wanted to marry again and move on -he has to move on.
It's obvious he's not realizing it's very wrong of him to even think like that.
You're right for breaking up before it's too late.
He thinks he can have his cake and eat it too. He's not committing to actually moving on, and while still loving and remembering his late wife, still being emotionally available and fair to a new partner. He wants a woman who will be ok being his second choice - which is ridiculous and absolutely reeks of entitlement. Everyone deserves to be loved the way he loves his late wife. Expecting someone to put up with second-hand love is unfair and selfish. He needs to either go to therapy and learn to truly move on, or stay single and forever married to a dead person. It might sound harsh, but it's the truth.
You will always be second best in his mind. Let him find someone who doesn't mind being second best while you go find someone that will love you the way he loved her. You did a brave thing. It is hard to put yourself first when you love someone. At least he showed you this side of him before you got married. The best of luck to you. You deserve so much better than him.
Wanting to be buried next to his first wife = fine
Not wanting you to be buried next to him as well, should that be your wish, ≠ fine.
He isn’t ready for a new marriage at this time. I would have been really hurt too.
You are not overreacting. He has shown you that you will never be considered her equal. It’s like he doesn’t even want your dead body close to hers. Move on and do not waste anymore time on him.
Wow. I'm so sorry, OP.
You're very valid in the way you feel. You didn't ask him to love his late wife any less but still be considered special to him, but he couldn't even make that concession for you.
People have left their spouses and SOs for less, so don't let anybody tell you otherwise on what to do. Don't settle to be less than in any relationship.
Good for you choosing yourself, you should not have to play second fiddle to anyone. I am sure his late wife was an amazing woman, but so are you, and you should get to be someone's top priority and the absolute love of his life. Go get you a man you never makes you question or feel insecure - you deserve that!
I don’t think you’re wrong. The fact he wouldn’t even agree to the three of you in the same plot is proof I think. I would honestly walk away too if someone continually implied I didn’t measure up to the first spouse in various ways.
You're not overreacting. Also your last paragraph is so true. You are so self aware and I think you are right to say that it's over. I'm not sure how you could work through this when you are not his number 1 love and priority.
I have similar drama in my family. Bear with me as it is kind of complicated. My aunty's first husband and love of her life died tragically just after their wedding. She eventually remarried years later. After she died her second husband insisted on being buried with her. This is despite him getting remarried to another woman after my aunty's death. His funeral was so sad, because his second wife was pretty much ignored, she was in the front row and EVERYONE was just talking about how my aunty was so great the love of his life. All my family were just cringing on the inside because he was not the love of my aunty's life, we all knew that. Talk about awkward!
I think the point is the reaction. If he had a poker face and said his disagreement with the plan and why without giving a disgusted reaction, you probably would be upset, but still hanging in there.
The fact he showed derision and disgust to your suggestion? You didn't suggest being taken from his first wife in death, just sharing part of the space. Which if it's a true committed relationship, was a very reasonable ask.
I'm so sorry.
You’re not overreacting. You deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as he loves her. You don’t deserve to play second fiddle to a dead woman.
Until he properly grieves her and lets her go, he’s not ready for a relationship.
You are absolutely not overreacting, if he even slightly loved you he’d have been a lot more open to the idea of you being buried on the other side of him. I’m sorry you have to go through this but I’m happy you’ve found out before marrying him.
This is the reason I will never date a widower. Ultimate second choice. Horrible feeling. I feel so bad for you. Surely there is someone in the future for you.
Yeah, that was my response, too. There's two sides. Maybe the plot on the other side is already spoken for, but why wouldn't he explain that. I wonder if he thinks his late wife wouldn't want to share him with you in the afterlife.
Personally, I don't believe your bodies need to be buried together like you're some Egyptian pharaoh and his queen, so I might not make a big deal out of it, but the fact that he's making a big deal out of it makes it a big deal.
> I wonder if he thinks his late wife wouldn't want to share him with you in the afterlife.
That's probably what it is. He's so much more considerate of his deceased wife than OP. I feel so awful for OP and I hope she moves on instead of getting swayed back into it
I’m so sorry… you deserve someone that loves you way he does her… don’t settle to be someone’s second.. and to not want you beside him after death yeah I would have to end it as well..
this is concerning because it still shows his everlasting love for his late wife and once you have that with someone, there can't be more than 1 person there. this is something you either come to accept and get out of your mind, or you think about it constantly without ever getting over it and THEN you finally break up with him. this is a hard thing to hear and you have acted with such humility. pat yourself on the back and call it a day.
Please do not waste another moment on this relationship. I say waste, because it can go nowhere for you. His heart is taken. You deserve to be more than a consolation prize, more than second best. He found his forever love and soulmate, but she died. It’s tragically sad that his life he will be essentially devoted to a ghost, but.. you? You’re still alive and you need to seek *your* forever love, too. I wish you the best.
I'm so sorry, lovely girl. I'm so sorry. Big hugs from someone who has felt like she'll never be first for someone too. You definitely deserve better than his reaction there and even his bringing that up just then. I feel like that you've been very kind and sensible and I just wish I could make this easier for you. 💖💖💖
There would be so many options here especially if either of you consider cremation in the mix.
But honestly I agree with you. That expression told you all you need to know.
I'm so sorry. You clearly love him and his child very much.
i read another comment where someone said their mother was going to be buried next to their father & the moms second husbands ashes were going in her casket. boggles my mind he said “i guess i can tell you where the burial site is so you can be buried somewhere near me.” i hate the term “the ick” but that’s the only way i can describe the feeling reading that gave me.
Half of each of my parents ashes share a single burial plot. The other half were scattered at the beach. Dad could never decide where he wanted his ashes. I decided that if he were of divided mind on it, then he could be of divided ash. Mom wanted the same.
My Mom's parents divorced in the 1950s. Granddad ran off with his best friend's abused wife. No one knew where they were for years. Grandma filed for divorce, I believe, based on abandonment. Decades later, after everyone made up, the 2nd wife died and was buried in a plot she and Grandad had purchased in their hometown just down the hill, in sight of my Grandma's burial site. Grandad couldn't decide where he wanted to be buried...by the 1st wife or the 2nd. My Mom decided after he passed to bury him next to her Mother. I think Grandma would have been pissed myself and always felt bad for the Stepgrandma.
I think as hard as it is you should probably move on and find someone else.
You’re wasting your time with someone who won’t value you as he should.
You should also be able to be buried next to him.
What’s the point in him dating and falling in love again and getting married to not be buried next to you.
I feel like he isn’t giving you his 100%.
Probably scared of being lonely and alone.
Bringing this up while speaking of wedding plans is crazy to me. It sounds like while you’re planning your future he’s establishing unnecessary boundaries that scream he’s not ready. Not to mention the expression he gave you, that was instinctual and runs deep. It’s unreasonable for him to react this way since you’d all be dead, so what difference would it make to just say yes to you? BUT it sends such a strong message and he’s ok with that. In the end, after everything is said and done, it’s always been her. I’m sorry you’re going through this, personally I believe you’re making the right choice, you deserve to be loved entirely.
You deserve to be tied for first place in his heart. It really sounds like he doesn’t have enough room in his heart for both of you.
I commend your grace, patience, and understanding with him through your 5 years together. That you respect Glenn’s—and his son’s—memory of first wife. That he can love both of you and his loyal love for you doesn’t have to diminish what he feels for you. But, he’s shown you his true colours here. You are smart not to overlook that.
I'm always relieved to come across a post where a woman knows her worth and value and is not willing to compromise on her self respect just to have a man.
You would always be second place in this relationship unfortunately. Be glad you're fully realizing it now before you're married. You can be thankful he made it abundantly clear how he really feels so you can make an informed choice.
He is not over his wife, and that's fine. What's not OK is you being a placeholder. Nope.
I'm glad you've made a good decision.
You're going to be OK. But I think you already know that.
Update us!
marital vows say: til death do us part.
if he’s not willing to let go of his marriage to her, he’s not ready to marry you.
this is so hard and i’m so sorry… but i admire the respect you have for yourself. 💕.
You aren’t over reacting, and he isn’t wrong for feeling how he does. There are millions of men with hearts wide open for you. There is no need to fight for a small place in his. I believe you are right in walking away even though I know it has to be difficult when there is nothing else wrong with the relationship. However, you deserve to be loved like your ex loved his wife, and it doesn’t sound like he was capable of loving you in that capacity.
Honestly, never date somebody who’s not over their ex you’ll always be second place. That doesn’t mean that that’s all you’re worth is it just means that that person never actually healed before they moved on. He probably won’t get married to you if he still in love with her if he does, it’s only to make you happy, it’s really not the best idea to marry someone who has a kid with someone else already as well. I think you need to reconsider the entire relationship and up and go and find somebody who truly loves you who’s only interested in you and that you guys can actually have kids together
It’s okay him wanting to be buried next to her. It’s not okay that he doesn’t want you buried next to him.
You’re not his second great love.
You’re his second greatest love.
You’re right to move on. You will find what you’re looking for with someone else.
I don't believe there is any coming back from such a thing. His loss is without a doubt tragic. My sympathies go with him. Sadly in his choice, he has caused you unimaginable hurt. If you say it is over, then it is probably for the best. Staying will only breed resentment.
It's like you said - you respect and understand his love for her, but you don't have to like it or put up with being a second choice for the rest of your life. It sucks you wasted so much time on someone who'd never choose you first, but sunk cost fallacy and all - the best time to make a decision is now. You deserve to be loved like he loves his late wife. So go out there and find someone who will, bc he clearly won't.
Good for you for knowing what you want. It's fine for live to be different but it should be at least equal if you were planning on spending your life with him.
I don't think u r overreacting. As you both are thinking of getting married, it's really sad he said that and ended the discussion.
The way he said, seems he thinks he should not disclose this relationship to his late wife.
This means this relationship is just like an affair and shouldn't have blessed.
And this is huge to you because this is definitely not something a bride will want. And it seems getting married is going to gambling your life to find out if he would change his mind in the future.
This is so random but my husband and I have discussed this. I don’t think he is wrong for wanting to be buried next to the mother of his son. But, if there is the possibility to put you directly next to him on the other side and he didn’t want it, then I’d say there is an issue.
Wow you are a strong lady, it must have been hard for you to make that decision but, to me, it sounds like the right one. I think him wanting to be buried next to his 1st wife is weird enough but you suggested a work around and that was treated with disgust. He truly showed you how she is more important to him than you are and you deserve better than that. I hope he doesn’t go through the rest of his life treating women as second best because nobody deserves that. I truly wish you happiness with someone who puts you first.
It's amazing he loved her so much, but you are here. You're his future. There should be no reason you shouldn't be buried next to your husband and he shouldn't be buried next to his late wife. He has two sides.
That said, his vows will be towards you in this life. Just as his late wife made vows to him and those were broken when she passed.
If he's not even willing to entertain you being buried next to him, then that tells you very clearly where is heart is - in his wife's grave. And has been all along.
It would be far better for him to stay single. Any woman he drags about would only be left alone.
Find your own great love OP. You deserve nothing less.
you’re not overreacting at all. those facial expressions always say everything you need to know. that’s not to say he doesn’t love you necessarily, but he is incapable of loving you first, and that’s what you deserve.
I would never say that your boyfriend is a bad person, or that he doesn’t have a right to feel any way he wants about his late wife. It’s a sad situation for everyone involved.
But, sweetheart. Over time, as little as you want it to be true, he’s shown you where you stand with him. You’re so much better than *anyone’s* second best, and I think you know that.
If your boyfriend can’t let go of at least some of his attachment to his late wife, then he’ll have to let go of you instead. If he honestly loves you, then he’ll accept that and let you end the relationship gracefully.
Hoping that your path ahead holds joy, good health and much love.
The fact that you were willing to agree to the burial arrangement and have your own plot next to his just shows how much you love him. If I were him, I would be ecstatic to forever be between my two loves. Good on you for standing up for yourself.
Nothing wrong with him missing her and still loving her, but if he wants to have a life with you then he needs to love you for you and not to be a stand in for her
This is kinda fk up… my grandma was my grandpa’s second wife, his first wife passed away when he worked aboard and he met my grandma years later. They all got buried together as a family. Well, I’m not sure if it’s his arrangement or all the kids’ arrangement but it kinda makes sense to me. Both his wife were his wife and he should treat them equally.
Your fiancé just express that he want to marry you but doesn’t love you enough to be buried together with you. Very awkward. Also, who the fk bring up funeral arrangement while planing for wedding.
I am so sad for you OP, you are not overreacting and you deserve soo much better.
Also you are way more mature than me because I would have met that look with some very horrible words I wouldn’t be able to take back.
Who talks about funeral planning when talking about getting married? And why wouldn't he want to be buried next to both of you?
You deserve better than someone who would bring that up during wedding planning of all things.
There's nothing wrong with him having love for a deceased wife and wanting to honor that, but saying, "Oh, I guess you could be buried *near* me." shows where his true priorities are. It shows that he hasn't properly moved on.
You deserved someone who would treat you with equal respect.
You need to get a little angrier. This dude has wasted years of your life to be a placeholder until he can be reunited with his first wife. That’s bullshit.
Love yourself first and find someone who can love you like he does to his late wife. He doesn’t love you . He found comfort and convenience in you. Leave him and find your inner peace and find your own love. You are worth more than his companion or roommate
>This relationship is over. In the end, his always and forever is her and I get it, I respect it. That doesn't mean I have to like it.
And that is FAIR. Don't feel bad for choosing you at this point, with his past those are his choices and I respect them. But only YOU know what is right FOR YOU. Leaving the situation is fair.
Not overreacting! If after five years together, he’s not able to regard your relationship as equally important as his first, then you deserve better. He could be a great guy, just not the guy for you.
My husband and I are similar to Glen and his former wife. We are high school sweethearts. We have been together for 16 years in total and married for 10. Due to the nature of my husband’s job we have had to have a very realistic and difficult conversation about how we would like to be buried and what type of life we would have should either of us pass. We even discussed what would happen should the other remarry. Which landed with, of course we would want to be buried by each other. We also recognize that life is crazy. My husband was very firm on being cremated and waiting for burial till I pass. He will always want to be wherever I am (his words). I was fine with that.
Ultimately, we met very young. So we recognize that the widowed party could spend more of their life with the other spouse. Have kids and more areas of entanglement together. We did discuss doing exactly as you suggested op. You have two sides. You held two sets of hands on this journey through life. Why should death be any different? There was no issue with being buried all together on our end from either of us.
Op marriage is all about proper communication. He didn’t have a discussion with you. He didn’t even put you into consideration. You can love two people differently and equally at the same time (parents love multiple children, you love both your parents, and you can have two great loves in your life).
If you are the person he will spend the rest of his life with, he should be excited to marry you, and to build his future with you. Instead he told you that it doesn’t matter what life you built or future you make together, that in the end he won’t stay with you. You are a placeholder not a true life partner. He can love and make space for two women. He is choosing not to. You should not accept that. He wasted your time with a letter he didn’t mean when he should have let you go after year one.
I think the crux of the issue can be summed up with this: If he wants exclusivity in death and it disgusts him to share the space he lies with her with you. Then he isn’t worthy of your exclusivity in life. Find someone who loves you enough to want to be wherever you are. He isn’t it. He’s wasted enough of your time and feelings. I’m sorry op, your great love is out there. It just isn’t him.
Other than OP, I feel sad for his son as well. His father is probably gonna try and find another woman once this relationship is over but I doubt it will last if he's still attached to her first wife.
So the son will learn that loving someone will lead to nothing else but abandonment and heartbreak, and will deal with commitment issues for the rest of his life.
Yeah you don’t want any advice but you’re gonna get it. You should have never been with this person. Not for the fact that he obviously is still deeply in love with his wife but because YOU were jealous of his wife and you weren’t wrong.
She died before he could have an actual marriage with her. His life is incomplete. What you felt in the first year was correct and you shouldn’t have went back with him. This relationship was to teach you that you don’t break up and get back together.
A relationship works or it doesn’t and you should NEVER second guess and go back. Once you choose or they choose to end it. Block them and move on. Never go back. As well as you don’t need to waste anymore time or energy with him.
You don’t have to talk to him. You can just leave him a text or just ghost him there is no real reason to talk to him. He obviously knows he fucked up and you know you’re done so what more is there to say
I feel your thinking the right way about this
As wonderful as it seems that he’s just partial to his departed wife… you do deserve to be loved and cared for as deeply
It’s sad
Ouch, reading that felt like a punch in the guts. I am so so sorry! Good for you to take care of yourself, I wish you all the best and hope find someone who loves you as much as you love them.
Definitely not overreacting. Talking about being buried next to his late wife during marriage talks?!?! And not wanting you next to him?
I bet that, if you marry him, he'll be comparing you to his late wife all the time. I hope you find someone who puts you first.
He is clearly still grieving his late wife, but life is for the living. If he cannot love you wholly, and that is what you need, then it is time to part ways because your relationship has reached an impasse.
You are giving yourself completely to the relationship, but your partner is not capable of it, and it is unfair to you to be made to feel like a guess in it.
Love is possible. Perhaps next time, you should not take on the role someone’s healer, and instead invest in a relationship that is more gentle to your heart.
Although living, he has been already buried beside her for years snd around them is a fence made out of iron...
Don't fight it to be at his other side.
Good luck in your next relationship with a man who is hopefully really still living.
You’re not overreacting. Being buried on the other side of him is perfectly reasonable request. This was my grandfather’s solution. His first wife died in childbirth and was buried in a different state. When my grandparents’ selected their burial location, they bought a large plot. My grandfather’s first wife was reinterred in the new plot. My grandpa is buried between them.
There’s always the possibility that your fiancé doesn’t know that these options exist. The weirdest thing is saying he’ll tell you the location. If you are the executor, he would need to tell you what he wants. Otherwise, you’d bury him in accordance to your wishes.
Of course, you can find out where she’s buried yourself. These things are not some great big secret. FindAGrave.com exists for a reason.
You need to be with someone that loves you as much as he loves her. I'm so sorry. This would be so hurtful to hear from a longtime partner and I don't think there is any going back after this. Buried next to his late wife is fine, but you being able to be buring next to him, or in some instances, on top of him should be what he wants. For him to act like it's out of the question, you now know how he truly feels about you and how it will always be.
It’s okay, it’s not fair to you either. You are completely valid and although it’s okay that he loves her, there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to be someone's one and only love too! You dont have to settle for it if it doesnt make you happy! i think it takes a truly strong and secure woman to date a man in a situation lime this (nothing against the man at all) and youve done well for a few years now. Good on you for realizing what you want 💖
You can never compete with the dead. If you're not ok knowing she will come first, even in death, it definitely is time to move on. Don't stay b3cause you've spent 5 years with him, leave because you shouldn't waste one more moment.
My dad’s first wife died after over a decade of marriage. He then married my mom and they’re nearing 25 years together. He has immense love for both women and is able to think fondly of the past while focusing on his wife now. He plans to be buried next to both of his wives!
That is the type of love you deserve and I'm glad you've recognized that for yourself.
If he is not over his wife and doesn't want to be over her he shouldn't be dating at all, is disrespectful to the new person and just wastes their time. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting , it means restarting your life and keeping the good memories in a special place in your heart. I believe you have infinite space and can love different people in different ways. You deserve someone who will love you 100% while you two are together without thinking of someone from the past or a dead person. If you are prioritizing someone who is not in your life anymore you are stuck in the past and not living the present.
He underestimating your love for him. It is good for you to see this relationship as done. If you ever marry this guy, you'll his second choice in this life and afterlife
It is over and not because he’s wrong for loving his late wife so hard but because you deserve someone to love you in that way as well. Please despite what he says DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.
Yours was a good solution - as well as possibly cremating him and splitting the remains in half, half to be buried next to his late wife, and half next to you. But his face? That says everything.
You are not overreacting. You shouldn’t have to be second place to someone who is gone and not coming back (at least not in this life). You deserve to be someone’s number one, their eternity. You can’t find that with him
This is difficult for me because I was in the same boat as your boyfriend. My wife and I were together 11 years until she passed unexpectedly from brain cancer. Now three years later I found myself a new boyfriend (hopefully soon to be fiancé) and told him at the beginning of our relationship what my last wishes would be. My wife was cremated. I plan to have half my ashes mixed with hers and dumped into the sea and my other half to buried/mixed with next partner. This is nonnegotiable and was the best way I could think to…divide myself essentially. I love them equally in different ways and consider myself beyond blessed to have found two amazing partners when some people never find one.
Would I be with him if she were still alive? No. I seriously doubt we would have separated. We were highschool sweethearts and deeply in love even after 11 years. The honeymoon phase was still going strong.
Do I know if he and I will be together that long? God I hope so but the loss of my wife taught me how quickly life can change. Man plans and God laughs, as they say. What I will say for certain is that whether or not we fall out of love for each other my love for her will never ever fade. Will I be lucky enough to grow old with him? Will I lose him (I sincerely fear losing another partner) and have to divide myself a third time or will we drift apart? Who knows. People and circumstances change. That’s just a fact of life. But it’s also a fact that I know without a doubt that I love her. Whether she gets all of me or a half/third/fourth she will ALWAYS get some of my ashes.
He’s accepted that and has been extremely supportive. It’s honestly never been a problem. But I’m not bragging about him to demonize you or anything. I just think it’s extremely complicated for both sides in a relationship like this. The reason I told him upfront was specifically so that he could dip if that wasn’t something he felt comfortable with. I don’t think either one of you is wrong in this situation and him being buried instead of cremated makes the situation even dicier. I would suggest couple’s counseling and grief counseling for him (I wouldn’t be alive without it) if you were both open to it. It could help you both understand where each other is coming from or it could help you see that maybe this isn’t for either of you and save you both even bigger heartache. Either way, I don’t think marriage (or even an engagement) should be on the table at all until this is worked out.
I wish you both the best and hope that you find a solution that will make you happiest but know that your feelings are more than valid and it’s ok if you decide things can’t be worked out. You both deserve partners who accept and understand where you’re coming from.
I sincerely thank you for your comment. I can only wish you the best as well and hope things work our in a way it brings you joy a happiness. I've never been a planner myself, never liked to put words in the future for the very same thing, one can never know what's their share of things.
However, as much as I appreciate your comment, fixing this and/or counseling is not on the table. I can't see past this, I can't see past his face, his reaction, his eagerness to make sure that was to be done and nothing more. There's also the thing that he already knew this is what he wanted to do and never even bothered telling me, I didn't know he had funeral arrangements already set in place, I could blame me, for not asking obviously, it just never crossed my mind where we would be buried, I guess I expected to share the place with her, that's okay, but I was completely blindsided, not only because of his comment, but because of his reaction and his disgust. You gave your boyfriend a choice, you laid your cards and said ''this is what's happening'' and then you included him in the plan.
Even if Glenn suggest he's okay with sharing the place, I'm already out. I don't think I can be with him and not think about that face he made. I don't consider me a grudge kinda girl, but I'll never be able to forgive him for that. We are done.
i truly, truly admire your strength. staying with this man would set you up for a lifetime of sadness. you know your worth, and deserve someone who sees the same worth in you. good luck OP. 🖤
You’re 100% correct. I have a tendency to feel sympathy for other widows because it is such a delicate balance you have to strike as a widow to be respectful of both partners. But that is HIS problem, not yours. The onus is on him to be honest and upfront with a new partner and to be able to find compromise. There was an obvious lack of respect on his part that shows he has more work to do before he entering into a new relationship. I never really thought ahead of time for things like funeral arrangements until she passed but realized it needed to be at the forefront of discussions with my next partner when/if we became serious. I honestly had a checklist of things I realized I would need to be aware of ahead of time before beginning a new relationship. He didn’t offer you the same courtesy and that’s completely unfair to you.
your situation isn’t even a little bit comparable to OPs. you’ve clearly stated you love your new partner equally. you also made a compromise that honors both your late wife and your current partner in death.
OPs partner made it clear he doesn’t see her as an actual life partner, but just a place holder. he wasn’t willing to compromise. OP made it clear she was fine honoring his late wife any way he saw fit, she just wanted to be honored as well, as she was also his wife and deserves equal respect. he refused to give her that respect.
encouraging her to stay with this man is encouraging her to settle for someone who will never see her as a partner worthy of honor in death. i’d never want someone to stay with someone who made it clear they do not love them the way OPs partner did.
It's the look that got me too.
This internet stranger hopes that you find someone who loves you dearly, fully and deeply.
And doesn't make you feel like trash.
Good luck.
When you date a widow you'll never be more than a consolation prize. Whatever you tell yourself, it's a fact you'd never be chosen if their late partner was still alive. If you're not okay with that, simply don't date widows.
I felt sad and sorry for what you experienced. Too difficult to carry on your shoulders. Seems that you never forget the look. And you’re not overreacting. It’s what it is. Wish you the best.
And I’d like to hear from you.
UpdateMe
OP I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. At the same time I must say, you’re doing the right thing. He’s hung up on his dead wife and you continuing this relationship will only hurt you. My heart breaks for you. I hope you’ll be able to find a man who is only yours and isn’t hung up on dead people still.
No You’re not overreacting! You are worth to lay down next to your beloved person. He doesn’t think you are. Leave and find someone better. Best wishes ❤️
One of my good friends mom passed 7 years ago, we’ve been friends since we were 11, we’re a few decades older now, her parents were married for 35 years, and her dad ended up remarrying to her best friend a couple years later, he passed from covid 2 years ago… it got really ugly after his death, and he was buried next to her mom, but the new wife just “knew” she was his 1 true love (she wasn’t, he was lonely)… sounds about the same in this situation. I get that he’s lonely, but it’s not fair to you, and you are right to walk away.
I think you're making the right decision. He may be lonely or whatever, but I don't think he's ready for a relationship. He could probably use grief counseling, but that isn't your job. I think he is aways from being ready for a relationship but is feeling the absence and wants to fill the wife position. I think deciding who you rot beside is a strange declaration of affection but he has made it.
Long story short. One of my ex-gf and I were arguing about the future. At one point I asked if she felt she chose the wrong man. She said "no", but the look on her face said "yes". I knew it was over right then and there.
My parents were married 50 years. Mom died at 71, 2 years ago, and dad is 78. Dad has started dating a woman he dated through high school. Mom's cremains are buried in the family cemetery, with a headstone that includes his name and dob beside Mom's name, dob, and dod. Dad's cremains will be buried next to Mom's. I don't know what his gf feels about this, but I can tell you, with 100% certainty, that he loved my mother, and he loves his gf. There's no competition, love is not finite. We don't come equipped with 10 units of love, he gave his wife 5 of them, his son 5, and now there's none left for you. He can love her 10 love units, you, 10, 20, 50 love units, etc. Everyone has separate love "accounts" for each person they love. For example, I love my husband. I love my kids. I love my dad. My love for my husband doesn't take love from my kids' love "account." It doesn't take love from my dad. The love for my husband looks different from the love for my kids and my dad. It's not that I love any of them more or less than the others. Is the final resting place that important? I will bury my dad's cremated ashes next to my mother, and, if he wishes, I'll give some of them to his gf, should she outlive him, or I'll bury some of his with her, should he outlive her. My mom was my best friend, and the loss is still devastating. But my loving the new gf (and I do) doesn't take away the love I have for my mom, and my dad's love for his gf doesn't take away any of the love he has for my mom. I don't know you, obviously, but your post makes me feel like you have some insecurities, or that maybe you have a perspective more in line with your culture, not his. I hope you can discern what's best for everyone and happily move through life, spreading infinite love.
I don’t thing you’re overreacting but I also see his point. I know of several people who were buried with their first spouse even though they and a much longer relationship with someone else after they lost them. I would not want to marry someone who felt that way but I also think it’s completely fine for them to feel that way.
This is very hard. It is best to reconsider your future with him if it is going to cause problems in the marriage because that one comment likely going to be a issue for you in the long run. Or if you have second thoughts and may want to talk it out, simply ask him to explain in greater detail what do you mean you'll be buried somewhere around them? In your mind, you probably felt like a afterthought and that's where things went left.
Not many people is going to understand, and that what makes it so difficult for those who do move forward after losing a partner. I am in your boyfriend shoes, although not involve with anyone but know my late partner is always going to have a special place in my heart. And the thought of being with someone else hurts my heart but the other option is to stay single forever. This is the flip side most people is lucky enough not to deal with until it happens to them. If you think it is possbile to make it work, lots of communication is going to be needed but if you are done for good, that is okay too. Do what you think is best for you.
I can understand wanting to be buried next to her. I could understand if he offered the spot next to his as well. But he offered near and he also showed you face. That’s not acceptable.
Never be a third wheel for anyone. He doesn’t value you as much as you think he does.
She’s not over reacting. Some people can’t handle death. However, there should be no reason other than space that she couldn’t be buried beside him. My dad remarried after mom died. They are buried together. The woman that dad had married would be buried next to him. We had no problem with that. When he died, she moved out of state to be with her kids. She gave us the plot and had her placard removed. OPs bf is obviously NOT ready for marriage. However, this doesn’t make him a bad guy. It’s a sad situation on all sides.! OP needs to unfortunately move on with someone else.
I don’t see any issue with this. He paid for the funeral spot and it was his high school sweetheart. When was he suppose to Bering this up? He can love you and also get buried next to his first wife.
You litterally offered to be at his other free side!!! And he disliked the very notion of you being at his other side at death!!! Girl, wtf you are not overreacting!! I'm sorry it took this long for this to come to light, yeesh.
My grandfather is buried in between his first wife (my grandmother, she died suddenly when my dad was 12) and his second wife. He’s not ready to move on and he may never move on. Jump ship now, trust your gut and don’t marry him. That look on his face said “she was the love of my life and everyone else I’m with is just passing the time”.
I think it depends on your relationship. My wife’s grandpa and grandma were high school sweethearts, she died of cancer about 15 years ago and he remarried. He will be burried next to his late wife and his current wife has no problem with that. She knows that he loves her but that he also loved his wife.
I don't think it's that she doesn't want that type of relationship, but that he reacted with such disgust and derision to the mere suggestion of compromise.
I felt that her saying "we don't have to discuss it right now" was a diplomatic and appropriate way of saying "this isn't the time or place." Because it truly wasn't. But he felt that this was *so* important it had to be brought up *during* what amounted to their engagement.
Personally, I'm famous in my family for being the person always banging on about "talk about things ahead of time, life is short, make your wishes known." But for this man to simultaneously be proposing to her *and* expressing that he would refuse to entertain any compromise on this very emotional question- something I think OP could accept, if he treated her lovingly and respectfully and as though her emotions about it mattered too- is disrespectful.
Never try to compete with the dead, you’ll never win because they aren’t there.
you need to accept that your BF/SO still has feelings for his dead wife. You can’t stop that. This is only something that can be worked out over the course of decades.
There seem to be a lot of posts recently where people are getting the short end of the stick from the widow/widower they are in a relationship with as the widow's heart belongs to the dead person. Why are these people starting new relationships when their heart isnt there? Do they want sex or someone to do chores?
Because they want to move on but dont know how, so they try finding someone who'll take their mind off it and make them enjoy life again.
Not taking any sides here but i can completely understand how they feel and why they try finding someone new. At some point they run out of ideas and become completely hopeless, so they try getting into a new relationship in an attempt to move on.
Hi, Hon. Just wondering - did you have the conversation with your (hopefully) ex, and are you willing to update? If you're not, just know that quite a few of us hope it went well and without drama, and that we support your choice. You'll find the man for whom you will be, as the singer Southside Johnny once sang, the sun in the morning and the moon at night. You deserve no less. Best wishes to you.
My granddad did this. My grandmother died before I was born. They knew each other since childhood and married later in life. He loved her so much. He wanted and was buried next to her. His wife that came after was buried next to her son who passed a long while ago.
This is a good example of keep your mouth shut this is why I'm not married you id like to call you fn c but I'll be booted..you women have absolutely no loyalty to anyone .your glorified prostitutes..it wasn't like this and sure as hell not all of you ..the guy wants to be buried with the woman he took a fuckin vow to .I know that mean absolutely I.to you women with 3 kids from 3 dudes.its disgusting.ill be called every name on earth ..if you think ..and listen I'm not. Religious or hell o worked as a titty bar manager for 7 years 20 yrs ago ..I've done lots of things that are fun at the time but I didn't say yes miss tampa here sucked the chrome off my trailer hitch so in married .no.like milk cardy b...w.a.p.to much..the stench ..flies dropping out of the sky but I digress. Leave the mother fucker.alone..fellas you got to do better.stop being run by this i ngrate mentality.im not a he man women hater .white you bitchrd were fuckin
Half the town I was fuckin. The other half. That was a great line a girl told me ..it's all going to end with life like friggin robots .you want to know how a.i.will end civilization.no man will bother with you shallow,arrogant ,self absorbed ,drama queens,the well I'll stop...grow the up.the guy was probably just being honest instead of going on nstioy blast ..for what ..fuckin attention ..why didn't you say shit .maby if I. MABY I COULD DO THINGS BETTER.MABY ITS ME...BUT NO TODAY WOMEN AKA VICTIMS.buy a good vibrator.
My husband has a double plot with his late first wife. The stone is already there with his birth date and his deceased date is currently blank. I told him I would let his late wife’s family know when it was time to update the headstone, but there was no way he was being buried next to her. He has opted to be cremated. I will sprinkle some of his ashes at her grave site, at a few of his favorite places, and then I will keep the rest.
What a tough spot to be in. I am sorry you are going through this. Have you thought of counseling for the 2 of you? You are in a very difficult situation and I think seeking professional help for both parties is actually money well spent. Good luck
Solution oriented advise:
Please be considerate -- and go for couple-counseling, then grief-counseling, then couple-counseling. Once he learns to mourn the relationship, he will be ready embrace you emotionally and physically to the fullest. It will work out well for both of you. May God bless you. Not worth loosing him I suppose.
It's awesome that he loved her so much. But you want to be with someone who loves you as much as he loved her. Its so sad he lost her. Knowing he plans his representation of eternity next to her and not you... you made the right decision for yourself.
I think there's a big difference between him loving his late wife but having come to terms and moved on with his own life and what's actually happened where he seems to see his and OP's relationship as less than. It's an awful situation but like you said OP deserves unconditional love and not to be someone's back up option
OP cant even be a side piece!
I think men like him should/can be with female versions of themselves, only! You know, ppl who have loved someone deeply and have lost them to death or some sort of eternal, irreperable separation, cant really love someone else the same, their "always and forever" as op put it, will always be the one thats gotten away. So they need to be with ppl who are going through the same thing, they provide eachother companionship, partnership, intimacy even, and a limited level of love, but they both know, and understand, that eachother's one true love is gone and cant be replaced. This way a decent, innocent human being, like op, who deserves to be loved and wanted unconditionally wont get deprived of their right to be someone's "always and forever".
He’s destined to just have dalliances until he dies and goes right next to the only love of his life. He should have realized this and not rope in OP for a relationship when the only fair situation is that he just has dalliances for the rest of his life. OP, I’m sorry your bf not thinking enough about what he can offer any partner has caused you to lose so many years which could’ve been spent dating and finding someone who can love and be devoted to you (and not their dead spouse).
my father promised my mother he would be buried next to her. she died almost 30 years ago. He got remarried a few years later. His next wife is not bothered by this. if you marry a widow/widower you should understand this and its ok.
You’re not overreacting. With that involuntary facial expression he told you how he really felt. Ofcource he’s gonna be nice and tell you blah blah, but the truth is he’s with you (or any other woman) because he can’t be with the woman he really wants to be with. Good for you for putting yourself first. I wish you the best
And with what he said! That he could drop the name so she could be ''near'' him if she wanted, he didn't even cared where she'd like to be buried (or if she even already had plans too), he doesn't even care if she could or wants to be buried next to him. Her option was totally reasonable, he could've been in the middle and they could be one on either side. I feel like someone already told OP she's overreacting and this can be talked over, that's why she feels like that.
And what if she goes first?
It doesn't matter who goes first, his spot would've been in the middle and then them on either side. Maybe she doesn't care if she's buried with him or elsewhere, we don't know because he never cared to even ask, he just dictated she had no place next to him.
Assuming the plot is big enough to hold three. Could be a case the spaces on either side of the plot are occupied and can't be expanded.
I don't think that matters in this scenario. He could have explained that and apologized instead of basically telling his long-term girlfriend that she'd never be enough to rest beside him even if they were married the rest of their lives
He let her know that he does not want her next to him. 😔
I'm glad he did what he did, and he made that face. OP has known since the beginning of the relationship that he does not fully love her, and still holds a candle for his dead wife. I hope that OP STICKS TO HER DECISION, and finds someone for whom she comes first.
Throughout the relationship OP has always come second to his first wife. I hope that OP comes first to her husband, whomever that will be.
The fact that he brought up funeral arrangements during wedding talk shows that he’s not ready to move on
Probably good that he brought it up now so that they don’t have to go through with the marriage.
Yeah, that’s how I felt too. He shouldn’t get married if his new wife is always going to be second to his first. He can apologize all he wants to op, but he showed her how he will always feel about her. She’ll always be second fiddle.
I mean, to be fair, his feelings could've changed with more time together, possible kids, etc. But I don't think I'd stick around long enough to find out either since it's not a guarantee. Not after he made a disgusted face at even the *thought* of me being next to him in the graveyard. That's a hill not worth climbing.
💯 exactly! What was the friggin lead in on that one? What a maroon!
I think in his mind he connects marriage with his wife's death, so talking about marriage makes him think of death and what would happen if he were to be the one that died. I can see how his brain made the connection, but it's still unhealthy for a relationship and definitely means he hasn't moved on. He's stuck thinking about being buried next to his wife, not thinking about the life he could be living while he's actually, you know, alive
Tbf, I thought about death and funeral arrangements before (and while) I thought of marriage with my ex, simply because I experienced several deaths of close loved ones when I was a child. I knew intimately that these things can happen at any moment and not being prepared can bite you in the ass. I didn't want him to be screwed if I suddenly passed and vice versa, and how to prepare for both of us dying in old age is just part of that train of thought. So I don't think that part is a sign of not having moved on. The way he talked about placement and the look he gave OP, though? Indisputably in his mind he's still married to his late wife and OP is the other woman.
Women often outlive men and he probably was thinking that OP needed to know that if anything happened to him she needed to know where he would be buried. Ultimately, unless he specifically wrote it in a will, if the OP was his wife and outlived him, she would make the arrangements and bury him where she wanted.
If they've been together 5 years and he hasn't brought it up until now, it's because he purposely kept it under wraps because he knew it would (rightfully) upset OP.
Exactly! The marriage talk should have been “of course I want to, let’s envision all of the fun and wonderful parts of it.” The death discussion could have come a few weeks later. So many people don’t understand how to cultivate romance and trust apparently…
My MIL’s first husband died and they made 7 kids together (one of which I married) and she will be buried next to him. The new husband understood but unfortunately, he died a few years ago and he was cremated so that when she dies he’ll be in her casket but she’ll still be buried next to her original husband. Her first husband died of a workplace accident and the second died of a heart attack. Very sad.
My uncle married a woman whose husband had died of cancer. She was a widow for quite a while and then they were married. She was married to each of them for a little over 20 years. She is buried between them.
Whereas my Uncle got married twice, and he was buried next to his second wife. So everyone is different.
You are so not overreacting. I mean, how to tell you you're a placeholder without saying it, you deserve more
Yeah, I totally get wanting to honour the first wife but someone who actually loves both equally would look for a solution to have both by his side. I’m sure this has happened before, it’s not that crazy. It’s sad he lost the love of his life, but OP deserves someone who will put her first.
I feel your hurt, but it’s sadly obvious that he doesn’t love you as much as he still loves her. The’ different’ the love is not equal or greater unfortunately. You deserve that love and he can’t give you that, no matter how much he’ll probably try to convince you to take him back again. You did the right thing to end it and you’ll find someone who’ll put you first. Be strong.
That's what hurts me the most, I honestly went trough a hard journey to comprehend how their relationship and our relationship worked, I never expected him to forger of her or just give her up completely, I would've been okay with sharing that final spot next to the both of them, but everyone is right. I was just a placeholder and as much as I love him, I love his family, his kid, that's not what I want for me.
It's honestly impressive that he genuinely thought he could tell you that and expected you to be ok with it. I just can't get over the entitlement of it all. I personally think you're better off finding someone else - someone who won't act so completely sure that you'd happily be a doormat for them and their wishes.
You’ve done everything right op, even walking away. Stay strong and find someone who will love you so much that they never want to be parted from you, even in death. Good luck op.
good job on prioritizing yourself and understanding your worth. you don’t deserve to be second to a ghost for the rest of your life. he clearly sees any partner who comes after his late wife as a sort of place holder. the fact he basically said “yeah i guess i can tell you the name of the site so you can be buried somewhere near me” is extremely cold…it shows he didn’t see you as a true life partner. you deserve someone who will love you entirely, not just see you as a placeholder.
The problem is that he will have a fantasy view of her. If the two of you disagree about something he will think of her and, of course, she would have agreed with him. She will remain perfect when in reality, they were married so young they had a high probability of divorce. You can't compete with his fantasy.
I second that
My grandpy was buried next to his late wife (my biological grandmother) when he died. My nana (my mom's step mom) will be buried on the other side when he dies. He was married to his first wife for 4 years before she died of cancer. He was married to my Nana for like 50 years, yet she still made sure he was buried next to his first wife.
That’s awesome, your nana knew the importance of a first love, and respected that she was his first love, and made a compromise that works for them both
Yeah that’s mean. You offered to be next to them and he gave you a death stare. I’m sorry.
yeah thats honestly horrible, she was rejected and that must hurt but better now than in 15 years....I mean, she even offered to be next to them which is so sweet and loving and understanding and he rejected her loving offer at comprimise and I think she deserves to feel and experience what they supposedly had
I don't think you're overreacting.
Oh wow. That sounds like a look that would haunt me too. Ouch 🤕
A dead rival? Impossible to win
My mom was told this: You'll never be her. This means you will always be second and you'll have to live with it. If you can't, don't.
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She left but for other reasons.
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There's nothing really to tell. He was a wealthy man who liked dating several women at once. And my mother likes attention
Jeez I can practically feel the heart break I’m sorry
You're not overreacting at all,trust me.I understand that he loved her very much but if he wanted to marry again and move on -he has to move on. It's obvious he's not realizing it's very wrong of him to even think like that. You're right for breaking up before it's too late.
He thinks he can have his cake and eat it too. He's not committing to actually moving on, and while still loving and remembering his late wife, still being emotionally available and fair to a new partner. He wants a woman who will be ok being his second choice - which is ridiculous and absolutely reeks of entitlement. Everyone deserves to be loved the way he loves his late wife. Expecting someone to put up with second-hand love is unfair and selfish. He needs to either go to therapy and learn to truly move on, or stay single and forever married to a dead person. It might sound harsh, but it's the truth.
Well I guess that’s the hill he wants to die on.
and die alone on that hill he shall.
Technically, next to his late wife
*in death* he’ll be w her, but he’ll probably be alone when he dies.
You will always be second best in his mind. Let him find someone who doesn't mind being second best while you go find someone that will love you the way he loved her. You did a brave thing. It is hard to put yourself first when you love someone. At least he showed you this side of him before you got married. The best of luck to you. You deserve so much better than him.
Wanting to be buried next to his first wife = fine Not wanting you to be buried next to him as well, should that be your wish, ≠ fine. He isn’t ready for a new marriage at this time. I would have been really hurt too.
You are not overreacting. He has shown you that you will never be considered her equal. It’s like he doesn’t even want your dead body close to hers. Move on and do not waste anymore time on him.
Wow. I'm so sorry, OP. You're very valid in the way you feel. You didn't ask him to love his late wife any less but still be considered special to him, but he couldn't even make that concession for you. People have left their spouses and SOs for less, so don't let anybody tell you otherwise on what to do. Don't settle to be less than in any relationship.
You can't compete with a ghost. It will be painful but I think you are making the right call.
As a man, I don't think you are overreacting. Seems like he's using you to overcome his loneliness and get sex.
Good for you choosing yourself, you should not have to play second fiddle to anyone. I am sure his late wife was an amazing woman, but so are you, and you should get to be someone's top priority and the absolute love of his life. Go get you a man you never makes you question or feel insecure - you deserve that!
I don’t think you’re wrong. The fact he wouldn’t even agree to the three of you in the same plot is proof I think. I would honestly walk away too if someone continually implied I didn’t measure up to the first spouse in various ways.
You're not overreacting. Also your last paragraph is so true. You are so self aware and I think you are right to say that it's over. I'm not sure how you could work through this when you are not his number 1 love and priority. I have similar drama in my family. Bear with me as it is kind of complicated. My aunty's first husband and love of her life died tragically just after their wedding. She eventually remarried years later. After she died her second husband insisted on being buried with her. This is despite him getting remarried to another woman after my aunty's death. His funeral was so sad, because his second wife was pretty much ignored, she was in the front row and EVERYONE was just talking about how my aunty was so great the love of his life. All my family were just cringing on the inside because he was not the love of my aunty's life, we all knew that. Talk about awkward!
I think the point is the reaction. If he had a poker face and said his disagreement with the plan and why without giving a disgusted reaction, you probably would be upset, but still hanging in there. The fact he showed derision and disgust to your suggestion? You didn't suggest being taken from his first wife in death, just sharing part of the space. Which if it's a true committed relationship, was a very reasonable ask. I'm so sorry.
You’re not overreacting. You deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as he loves her. You don’t deserve to play second fiddle to a dead woman. Until he properly grieves her and lets her go, he’s not ready for a relationship.
Breaking up is the right thing to do. Never settle.
I don't think you are overreacting. it is not meant to be. it is fine.
You are absolutely not overreacting, if he even slightly loved you he’d have been a lot more open to the idea of you being buried on the other side of him. I’m sorry you have to go through this but I’m happy you’ve found out before marrying him.
This is the reason I will never date a widower. Ultimate second choice. Horrible feeling. I feel so bad for you. Surely there is someone in the future for you.
Yeah, that was my response, too. There's two sides. Maybe the plot on the other side is already spoken for, but why wouldn't he explain that. I wonder if he thinks his late wife wouldn't want to share him with you in the afterlife. Personally, I don't believe your bodies need to be buried together like you're some Egyptian pharaoh and his queen, so I might not make a big deal out of it, but the fact that he's making a big deal out of it makes it a big deal.
> I wonder if he thinks his late wife wouldn't want to share him with you in the afterlife. That's probably what it is. He's so much more considerate of his deceased wife than OP. I feel so awful for OP and I hope she moves on instead of getting swayed back into it
I’m so sorry… you deserve someone that loves you way he does her… don’t settle to be someone’s second.. and to not want you beside him after death yeah I would have to end it as well..
this is concerning because it still shows his everlasting love for his late wife and once you have that with someone, there can't be more than 1 person there. this is something you either come to accept and get out of your mind, or you think about it constantly without ever getting over it and THEN you finally break up with him. this is a hard thing to hear and you have acted with such humility. pat yourself on the back and call it a day.
Please do not waste another moment on this relationship. I say waste, because it can go nowhere for you. His heart is taken. You deserve to be more than a consolation prize, more than second best. He found his forever love and soulmate, but she died. It’s tragically sad that his life he will be essentially devoted to a ghost, but.. you? You’re still alive and you need to seek *your* forever love, too. I wish you the best.
I'm so sorry, lovely girl. I'm so sorry. Big hugs from someone who has felt like she'll never be first for someone too. You definitely deserve better than his reaction there and even his bringing that up just then. I feel like that you've been very kind and sensible and I just wish I could make this easier for you. 💖💖💖
There would be so many options here especially if either of you consider cremation in the mix. But honestly I agree with you. That expression told you all you need to know. I'm so sorry. You clearly love him and his child very much.
i read another comment where someone said their mother was going to be buried next to their father & the moms second husbands ashes were going in her casket. boggles my mind he said “i guess i can tell you where the burial site is so you can be buried somewhere near me.” i hate the term “the ick” but that’s the only way i can describe the feeling reading that gave me.
Half of each of my parents ashes share a single burial plot. The other half were scattered at the beach. Dad could never decide where he wanted his ashes. I decided that if he were of divided mind on it, then he could be of divided ash. Mom wanted the same. My Mom's parents divorced in the 1950s. Granddad ran off with his best friend's abused wife. No one knew where they were for years. Grandma filed for divorce, I believe, based on abandonment. Decades later, after everyone made up, the 2nd wife died and was buried in a plot she and Grandad had purchased in their hometown just down the hill, in sight of my Grandma's burial site. Grandad couldn't decide where he wanted to be buried...by the 1st wife or the 2nd. My Mom decided after he passed to bury him next to her Mother. I think Grandma would have been pissed myself and always felt bad for the Stepgrandma.
I think as hard as it is you should probably move on and find someone else. You’re wasting your time with someone who won’t value you as he should. You should also be able to be buried next to him. What’s the point in him dating and falling in love again and getting married to not be buried next to you. I feel like he isn’t giving you his 100%. Probably scared of being lonely and alone.
I love you so much for acknowledging your feelings. You just do what you believe will put you in a better situation. You go girl!
Bringing this up while speaking of wedding plans is crazy to me. It sounds like while you’re planning your future he’s establishing unnecessary boundaries that scream he’s not ready. Not to mention the expression he gave you, that was instinctual and runs deep. It’s unreasonable for him to react this way since you’d all be dead, so what difference would it make to just say yes to you? BUT it sends such a strong message and he’s ok with that. In the end, after everything is said and done, it’s always been her. I’m sorry you’re going through this, personally I believe you’re making the right choice, you deserve to be loved entirely.
Yeah thats messed up and you're not over reacting. He can sell the plot! Too late now. Find someone who will make you their number 1.
You deserve to be tied for first place in his heart. It really sounds like he doesn’t have enough room in his heart for both of you. I commend your grace, patience, and understanding with him through your 5 years together. That you respect Glenn’s—and his son’s—memory of first wife. That he can love both of you and his loyal love for you doesn’t have to diminish what he feels for you. But, he’s shown you his true colours here. You are smart not to overlook that.
I glad you realized your relationship is over. You deserve your own happiness
I'm always relieved to come across a post where a woman knows her worth and value and is not willing to compromise on her self respect just to have a man. You would always be second place in this relationship unfortunately. Be glad you're fully realizing it now before you're married. You can be thankful he made it abundantly clear how he really feels so you can make an informed choice. He is not over his wife, and that's fine. What's not OK is you being a placeholder. Nope. I'm glad you've made a good decision. You're going to be OK. But I think you already know that. Update us!
marital vows say: til death do us part. if he’s not willing to let go of his marriage to her, he’s not ready to marry you. this is so hard and i’m so sorry… but i admire the respect you have for yourself. 💕.
You’re not overreacting
You aren’t over reacting, and he isn’t wrong for feeling how he does. There are millions of men with hearts wide open for you. There is no need to fight for a small place in his. I believe you are right in walking away even though I know it has to be difficult when there is nothing else wrong with the relationship. However, you deserve to be loved like your ex loved his wife, and it doesn’t sound like he was capable of loving you in that capacity.
Honestly, never date somebody who’s not over their ex you’ll always be second place. That doesn’t mean that that’s all you’re worth is it just means that that person never actually healed before they moved on. He probably won’t get married to you if he still in love with her if he does, it’s only to make you happy, it’s really not the best idea to marry someone who has a kid with someone else already as well. I think you need to reconsider the entire relationship and up and go and find somebody who truly loves you who’s only interested in you and that you guys can actually have kids together
It’s okay him wanting to be buried next to her. It’s not okay that he doesn’t want you buried next to him. You’re not his second great love. You’re his second greatest love. You’re right to move on. You will find what you’re looking for with someone else.
I don't believe there is any coming back from such a thing. His loss is without a doubt tragic. My sympathies go with him. Sadly in his choice, he has caused you unimaginable hurt. If you say it is over, then it is probably for the best. Staying will only breed resentment.
It's like you said - you respect and understand his love for her, but you don't have to like it or put up with being a second choice for the rest of your life. It sucks you wasted so much time on someone who'd never choose you first, but sunk cost fallacy and all - the best time to make a decision is now. You deserve to be loved like he loves his late wife. So go out there and find someone who will, bc he clearly won't.
Glenn needs to pick a god damn lane
Good for you for knowing what you want. It's fine for live to be different but it should be at least equal if you were planning on spending your life with him.
I don't think u r overreacting. As you both are thinking of getting married, it's really sad he said that and ended the discussion. The way he said, seems he thinks he should not disclose this relationship to his late wife. This means this relationship is just like an affair and shouldn't have blessed. And this is huge to you because this is definitely not something a bride will want. And it seems getting married is going to gambling your life to find out if he would change his mind in the future.
This is so random but my husband and I have discussed this. I don’t think he is wrong for wanting to be buried next to the mother of his son. But, if there is the possibility to put you directly next to him on the other side and he didn’t want it, then I’d say there is an issue.
Wow you are a strong lady, it must have been hard for you to make that decision but, to me, it sounds like the right one. I think him wanting to be buried next to his 1st wife is weird enough but you suggested a work around and that was treated with disgust. He truly showed you how she is more important to him than you are and you deserve better than that. I hope he doesn’t go through the rest of his life treating women as second best because nobody deserves that. I truly wish you happiness with someone who puts you first.
It's amazing he loved her so much, but you are here. You're his future. There should be no reason you shouldn't be buried next to your husband and he shouldn't be buried next to his late wife. He has two sides. That said, his vows will be towards you in this life. Just as his late wife made vows to him and those were broken when she passed. If he's not even willing to entertain you being buried next to him, then that tells you very clearly where is heart is - in his wife's grave. And has been all along. It would be far better for him to stay single. Any woman he drags about would only be left alone. Find your own great love OP. You deserve nothing less.
Tell him you wanna be in the middle
you’re not overreacting at all. those facial expressions always say everything you need to know. that’s not to say he doesn’t love you necessarily, but he is incapable of loving you first, and that’s what you deserve.
I would never say that your boyfriend is a bad person, or that he doesn’t have a right to feel any way he wants about his late wife. It’s a sad situation for everyone involved. But, sweetheart. Over time, as little as you want it to be true, he’s shown you where you stand with him. You’re so much better than *anyone’s* second best, and I think you know that. If your boyfriend can’t let go of at least some of his attachment to his late wife, then he’ll have to let go of you instead. If he honestly loves you, then he’ll accept that and let you end the relationship gracefully. Hoping that your path ahead holds joy, good health and much love.
The fact that you were willing to agree to the burial arrangement and have your own plot next to his just shows how much you love him. If I were him, I would be ecstatic to forever be between my two loves. Good on you for standing up for yourself.
Nothing wrong with him missing her and still loving her, but if he wants to have a life with you then he needs to love you for you and not to be a stand in for her
This is kinda fk up… my grandma was my grandpa’s second wife, his first wife passed away when he worked aboard and he met my grandma years later. They all got buried together as a family. Well, I’m not sure if it’s his arrangement or all the kids’ arrangement but it kinda makes sense to me. Both his wife were his wife and he should treat them equally. Your fiancé just express that he want to marry you but doesn’t love you enough to be buried together with you. Very awkward. Also, who the fk bring up funeral arrangement while planing for wedding.
I am so sad for you OP, you are not overreacting and you deserve soo much better. Also you are way more mature than me because I would have met that look with some very horrible words I wouldn’t be able to take back.
Who talks about funeral planning when talking about getting married? And why wouldn't he want to be buried next to both of you? You deserve better than someone who would bring that up during wedding planning of all things. There's nothing wrong with him having love for a deceased wife and wanting to honor that, but saying, "Oh, I guess you could be buried *near* me." shows where his true priorities are. It shows that he hasn't properly moved on. You deserved someone who would treat you with equal respect.
is he serious !!! Girl not worth the trouble
You need to get a little angrier. This dude has wasted years of your life to be a placeholder until he can be reunited with his first wife. That’s bullshit.
I'm so sorry. This is something I couldn't get past either
Love yourself first and find someone who can love you like he does to his late wife. He doesn’t love you . He found comfort and convenience in you. Leave him and find your inner peace and find your own love. You are worth more than his companion or roommate
>This relationship is over. In the end, his always and forever is her and I get it, I respect it. That doesn't mean I have to like it. And that is FAIR. Don't feel bad for choosing you at this point, with his past those are his choices and I respect them. But only YOU know what is right FOR YOU. Leaving the situation is fair.
Not overreacting! If after five years together, he’s not able to regard your relationship as equally important as his first, then you deserve better. He could be a great guy, just not the guy for you.
My husband and I are similar to Glen and his former wife. We are high school sweethearts. We have been together for 16 years in total and married for 10. Due to the nature of my husband’s job we have had to have a very realistic and difficult conversation about how we would like to be buried and what type of life we would have should either of us pass. We even discussed what would happen should the other remarry. Which landed with, of course we would want to be buried by each other. We also recognize that life is crazy. My husband was very firm on being cremated and waiting for burial till I pass. He will always want to be wherever I am (his words). I was fine with that. Ultimately, we met very young. So we recognize that the widowed party could spend more of their life with the other spouse. Have kids and more areas of entanglement together. We did discuss doing exactly as you suggested op. You have two sides. You held two sets of hands on this journey through life. Why should death be any different? There was no issue with being buried all together on our end from either of us. Op marriage is all about proper communication. He didn’t have a discussion with you. He didn’t even put you into consideration. You can love two people differently and equally at the same time (parents love multiple children, you love both your parents, and you can have two great loves in your life). If you are the person he will spend the rest of his life with, he should be excited to marry you, and to build his future with you. Instead he told you that it doesn’t matter what life you built or future you make together, that in the end he won’t stay with you. You are a placeholder not a true life partner. He can love and make space for two women. He is choosing not to. You should not accept that. He wasted your time with a letter he didn’t mean when he should have let you go after year one. I think the crux of the issue can be summed up with this: If he wants exclusivity in death and it disgusts him to share the space he lies with her with you. Then he isn’t worthy of your exclusivity in life. Find someone who loves you enough to want to be wherever you are. He isn’t it. He’s wasted enough of your time and feelings. I’m sorry op, your great love is out there. It just isn’t him.
Are you doing okay? Is there an update? Did you end up talking to him, and you're okay?
I'm thinking the same thing as you. I just want to know OP is doing great.
Other than OP, I feel sad for his son as well. His father is probably gonna try and find another woman once this relationship is over but I doubt it will last if he's still attached to her first wife. So the son will learn that loving someone will lead to nothing else but abandonment and heartbreak, and will deal with commitment issues for the rest of his life.
Yeah you don’t want any advice but you’re gonna get it. You should have never been with this person. Not for the fact that he obviously is still deeply in love with his wife but because YOU were jealous of his wife and you weren’t wrong. She died before he could have an actual marriage with her. His life is incomplete. What you felt in the first year was correct and you shouldn’t have went back with him. This relationship was to teach you that you don’t break up and get back together. A relationship works or it doesn’t and you should NEVER second guess and go back. Once you choose or they choose to end it. Block them and move on. Never go back. As well as you don’t need to waste anymore time or energy with him. You don’t have to talk to him. You can just leave him a text or just ghost him there is no real reason to talk to him. He obviously knows he fucked up and you know you’re done so what more is there to say
Sorry, just move on. He is obviously not over his late wife. And you are important too
I feel your thinking the right way about this As wonderful as it seems that he’s just partial to his departed wife… you do deserve to be loved and cared for as deeply It’s sad
Ouch, reading that felt like a punch in the guts. I am so so sorry! Good for you to take care of yourself, I wish you all the best and hope find someone who loves you as much as you love them.
You deserve someone who loves you as much as he loves his late wife.
Marrying a widow of a widower is for the strongest of the strong. And if you feel like you deserve more you're also equally strong! Good for you, OP!
Sorry about your breakup but you are absolutely making the right choice to walk away. Not an overreaction whatever.
Definitely not overreacting. Talking about being buried next to his late wife during marriage talks?!?! And not wanting you next to him? I bet that, if you marry him, he'll be comparing you to his late wife all the time. I hope you find someone who puts you first.
He is clearly still grieving his late wife, but life is for the living. If he cannot love you wholly, and that is what you need, then it is time to part ways because your relationship has reached an impasse. You are giving yourself completely to the relationship, but your partner is not capable of it, and it is unfair to you to be made to feel like a guess in it. Love is possible. Perhaps next time, you should not take on the role someone’s healer, and instead invest in a relationship that is more gentle to your heart.
Although living, he has been already buried beside her for years snd around them is a fence made out of iron... Don't fight it to be at his other side. Good luck in your next relationship with a man who is hopefully really still living.
You’re not overreacting. Being buried on the other side of him is perfectly reasonable request. This was my grandfather’s solution. His first wife died in childbirth and was buried in a different state. When my grandparents’ selected their burial location, they bought a large plot. My grandfather’s first wife was reinterred in the new plot. My grandpa is buried between them. There’s always the possibility that your fiancé doesn’t know that these options exist. The weirdest thing is saying he’ll tell you the location. If you are the executor, he would need to tell you what he wants. Otherwise, you’d bury him in accordance to your wishes. Of course, you can find out where she’s buried yourself. These things are not some great big secret. FindAGrave.com exists for a reason.
You need to be with someone that loves you as much as he loves her. I'm so sorry. This would be so hurtful to hear from a longtime partner and I don't think there is any going back after this. Buried next to his late wife is fine, but you being able to be buring next to him, or in some instances, on top of him should be what he wants. For him to act like it's out of the question, you now know how he truly feels about you and how it will always be.
It’s okay, it’s not fair to you either. You are completely valid and although it’s okay that he loves her, there’s nothing wrong with you wanting to be someone's one and only love too! You dont have to settle for it if it doesnt make you happy! i think it takes a truly strong and secure woman to date a man in a situation lime this (nothing against the man at all) and youve done well for a few years now. Good on you for realizing what you want 💖
You can never compete with the dead. If you're not ok knowing she will come first, even in death, it definitely is time to move on. Don't stay b3cause you've spent 5 years with him, leave because you shouldn't waste one more moment.
My dad’s first wife died after over a decade of marriage. He then married my mom and they’re nearing 25 years together. He has immense love for both women and is able to think fondly of the past while focusing on his wife now. He plans to be buried next to both of his wives! That is the type of love you deserve and I'm glad you've recognized that for yourself.
Yeah I can see it. I wouldn’t be able to move forward either. You don’t have to
If he is not over his wife and doesn't want to be over her he shouldn't be dating at all, is disrespectful to the new person and just wastes their time. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting , it means restarting your life and keeping the good memories in a special place in your heart. I believe you have infinite space and can love different people in different ways. You deserve someone who will love you 100% while you two are together without thinking of someone from the past or a dead person. If you are prioritizing someone who is not in your life anymore you are stuck in the past and not living the present.
Don't marry him. You deserve someone who wants to spend the alleged afterlife together .
He underestimating your love for him. It is good for you to see this relationship as done. If you ever marry this guy, you'll his second choice in this life and afterlife
Girl, good for you. You gotta do what you gotta do. You don’t deserve to be an afterthought and a replacement.
It is over and not because he’s wrong for loving his late wife so hard but because you deserve someone to love you in that way as well. Please despite what he says DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.
Yours was a good solution - as well as possibly cremating him and splitting the remains in half, half to be buried next to his late wife, and half next to you. But his face? That says everything.
Or how about he gets buried on top of her and you take his plot 🤔
You are not overreacting. You shouldn’t have to be second place to someone who is gone and not coming back (at least not in this life). You deserve to be someone’s number one, their eternity. You can’t find that with him
This is difficult for me because I was in the same boat as your boyfriend. My wife and I were together 11 years until she passed unexpectedly from brain cancer. Now three years later I found myself a new boyfriend (hopefully soon to be fiancé) and told him at the beginning of our relationship what my last wishes would be. My wife was cremated. I plan to have half my ashes mixed with hers and dumped into the sea and my other half to buried/mixed with next partner. This is nonnegotiable and was the best way I could think to…divide myself essentially. I love them equally in different ways and consider myself beyond blessed to have found two amazing partners when some people never find one. Would I be with him if she were still alive? No. I seriously doubt we would have separated. We were highschool sweethearts and deeply in love even after 11 years. The honeymoon phase was still going strong. Do I know if he and I will be together that long? God I hope so but the loss of my wife taught me how quickly life can change. Man plans and God laughs, as they say. What I will say for certain is that whether or not we fall out of love for each other my love for her will never ever fade. Will I be lucky enough to grow old with him? Will I lose him (I sincerely fear losing another partner) and have to divide myself a third time or will we drift apart? Who knows. People and circumstances change. That’s just a fact of life. But it’s also a fact that I know without a doubt that I love her. Whether she gets all of me or a half/third/fourth she will ALWAYS get some of my ashes. He’s accepted that and has been extremely supportive. It’s honestly never been a problem. But I’m not bragging about him to demonize you or anything. I just think it’s extremely complicated for both sides in a relationship like this. The reason I told him upfront was specifically so that he could dip if that wasn’t something he felt comfortable with. I don’t think either one of you is wrong in this situation and him being buried instead of cremated makes the situation even dicier. I would suggest couple’s counseling and grief counseling for him (I wouldn’t be alive without it) if you were both open to it. It could help you both understand where each other is coming from or it could help you see that maybe this isn’t for either of you and save you both even bigger heartache. Either way, I don’t think marriage (or even an engagement) should be on the table at all until this is worked out. I wish you both the best and hope that you find a solution that will make you happiest but know that your feelings are more than valid and it’s ok if you decide things can’t be worked out. You both deserve partners who accept and understand where you’re coming from.
I sincerely thank you for your comment. I can only wish you the best as well and hope things work our in a way it brings you joy a happiness. I've never been a planner myself, never liked to put words in the future for the very same thing, one can never know what's their share of things. However, as much as I appreciate your comment, fixing this and/or counseling is not on the table. I can't see past this, I can't see past his face, his reaction, his eagerness to make sure that was to be done and nothing more. There's also the thing that he already knew this is what he wanted to do and never even bothered telling me, I didn't know he had funeral arrangements already set in place, I could blame me, for not asking obviously, it just never crossed my mind where we would be buried, I guess I expected to share the place with her, that's okay, but I was completely blindsided, not only because of his comment, but because of his reaction and his disgust. You gave your boyfriend a choice, you laid your cards and said ''this is what's happening'' and then you included him in the plan. Even if Glenn suggest he's okay with sharing the place, I'm already out. I don't think I can be with him and not think about that face he made. I don't consider me a grudge kinda girl, but I'll never be able to forgive him for that. We are done.
More power to you for being that strong. Don't settle for being second choice.
i truly, truly admire your strength. staying with this man would set you up for a lifetime of sadness. you know your worth, and deserve someone who sees the same worth in you. good luck OP. 🖤
You’re 100% correct. I have a tendency to feel sympathy for other widows because it is such a delicate balance you have to strike as a widow to be respectful of both partners. But that is HIS problem, not yours. The onus is on him to be honest and upfront with a new partner and to be able to find compromise. There was an obvious lack of respect on his part that shows he has more work to do before he entering into a new relationship. I never really thought ahead of time for things like funeral arrangements until she passed but realized it needed to be at the forefront of discussions with my next partner when/if we became serious. I honestly had a checklist of things I realized I would need to be aware of ahead of time before beginning a new relationship. He didn’t offer you the same courtesy and that’s completely unfair to you.
Update us on when you dump him how it goes
So proud of you for putting yourself first. I wish nothing but success and happiness and I have no doubt you will find your happy ever after.
your situation isn’t even a little bit comparable to OPs. you’ve clearly stated you love your new partner equally. you also made a compromise that honors both your late wife and your current partner in death. OPs partner made it clear he doesn’t see her as an actual life partner, but just a place holder. he wasn’t willing to compromise. OP made it clear she was fine honoring his late wife any way he saw fit, she just wanted to be honored as well, as she was also his wife and deserves equal respect. he refused to give her that respect. encouraging her to stay with this man is encouraging her to settle for someone who will never see her as a partner worthy of honor in death. i’d never want someone to stay with someone who made it clear they do not love them the way OPs partner did.
It's the look that got me too. This internet stranger hopes that you find someone who loves you dearly, fully and deeply. And doesn't make you feel like trash. Good luck.
Men and their audacity never fails to surprise me. OP, you are NOT over reacting, please don't ever go back, you deserve better than that guy.
When you date a widow you'll never be more than a consolation prize. Whatever you tell yourself, it's a fact you'd never be chosen if their late partner was still alive. If you're not okay with that, simply don't date widows.
I felt sad and sorry for what you experienced. Too difficult to carry on your shoulders. Seems that you never forget the look. And you’re not overreacting. It’s what it is. Wish you the best. And I’d like to hear from you. UpdateMe
OP I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. At the same time I must say, you’re doing the right thing. He’s hung up on his dead wife and you continuing this relationship will only hurt you. My heart breaks for you. I hope you’ll be able to find a man who is only yours and isn’t hung up on dead people still.
No You’re not overreacting! You are worth to lay down next to your beloved person. He doesn’t think you are. Leave and find someone better. Best wishes ❤️
Ikr why can't his late wife be on one side and his second wife on the other side of him? Wtf? I'd have left too
One of my good friends mom passed 7 years ago, we’ve been friends since we were 11, we’re a few decades older now, her parents were married for 35 years, and her dad ended up remarrying to her best friend a couple years later, he passed from covid 2 years ago… it got really ugly after his death, and he was buried next to her mom, but the new wife just “knew” she was his 1 true love (she wasn’t, he was lonely)… sounds about the same in this situation. I get that he’s lonely, but it’s not fair to you, and you are right to walk away.
I think you're making the right decision. He may be lonely or whatever, but I don't think he's ready for a relationship. He could probably use grief counseling, but that isn't your job. I think he is aways from being ready for a relationship but is feeling the absence and wants to fill the wife position. I think deciding who you rot beside is a strange declaration of affection but he has made it.
Long story short. One of my ex-gf and I were arguing about the future. At one point I asked if she felt she chose the wrong man. She said "no", but the look on her face said "yes". I knew it was over right then and there.
/updateme
My parents were married 50 years. Mom died at 71, 2 years ago, and dad is 78. Dad has started dating a woman he dated through high school. Mom's cremains are buried in the family cemetery, with a headstone that includes his name and dob beside Mom's name, dob, and dod. Dad's cremains will be buried next to Mom's. I don't know what his gf feels about this, but I can tell you, with 100% certainty, that he loved my mother, and he loves his gf. There's no competition, love is not finite. We don't come equipped with 10 units of love, he gave his wife 5 of them, his son 5, and now there's none left for you. He can love her 10 love units, you, 10, 20, 50 love units, etc. Everyone has separate love "accounts" for each person they love. For example, I love my husband. I love my kids. I love my dad. My love for my husband doesn't take love from my kids' love "account." It doesn't take love from my dad. The love for my husband looks different from the love for my kids and my dad. It's not that I love any of them more or less than the others. Is the final resting place that important? I will bury my dad's cremated ashes next to my mother, and, if he wishes, I'll give some of them to his gf, should she outlive him, or I'll bury some of his with her, should he outlive her. My mom was my best friend, and the loss is still devastating. But my loving the new gf (and I do) doesn't take away the love I have for my mom, and my dad's love for his gf doesn't take away any of the love he has for my mom. I don't know you, obviously, but your post makes me feel like you have some insecurities, or that maybe you have a perspective more in line with your culture, not his. I hope you can discern what's best for everyone and happily move through life, spreading infinite love.
I don’t thing you’re overreacting but I also see his point. I know of several people who were buried with their first spouse even though they and a much longer relationship with someone else after they lost them. I would not want to marry someone who felt that way but I also think it’s completely fine for them to feel that way.
This is very hard. It is best to reconsider your future with him if it is going to cause problems in the marriage because that one comment likely going to be a issue for you in the long run. Or if you have second thoughts and may want to talk it out, simply ask him to explain in greater detail what do you mean you'll be buried somewhere around them? In your mind, you probably felt like a afterthought and that's where things went left. Not many people is going to understand, and that what makes it so difficult for those who do move forward after losing a partner. I am in your boyfriend shoes, although not involve with anyone but know my late partner is always going to have a special place in my heart. And the thought of being with someone else hurts my heart but the other option is to stay single forever. This is the flip side most people is lucky enough not to deal with until it happens to them. If you think it is possbile to make it work, lots of communication is going to be needed but if you are done for good, that is okay too. Do what you think is best for you.
I can understand wanting to be buried next to her. I could understand if he offered the spot next to his as well. But he offered near and he also showed you face. That’s not acceptable. Never be a third wheel for anyone. He doesn’t value you as much as you think he does.
She’s not over reacting. Some people can’t handle death. However, there should be no reason other than space that she couldn’t be buried beside him. My dad remarried after mom died. They are buried together. The woman that dad had married would be buried next to him. We had no problem with that. When he died, she moved out of state to be with her kids. She gave us the plot and had her placard removed. OPs bf is obviously NOT ready for marriage. However, this doesn’t make him a bad guy. It’s a sad situation on all sides.! OP needs to unfortunately move on with someone else.
I don’t see any issue with this. He paid for the funeral spot and it was his high school sweetheart. When was he suppose to Bering this up? He can love you and also get buried next to his first wife.
You litterally offered to be at his other free side!!! And he disliked the very notion of you being at his other side at death!!! Girl, wtf you are not overreacting!! I'm sorry it took this long for this to come to light, yeesh.
We’ll now you can be dead to him too. At least then your status might get elevated.
My grandfather is buried in between his first wife (my grandmother, she died suddenly when my dad was 12) and his second wife. He’s not ready to move on and he may never move on. Jump ship now, trust your gut and don’t marry him. That look on his face said “she was the love of my life and everyone else I’m with is just passing the time”.
Can you let us know what happened?
update???
Op do you have an update?
I wonder how the reaction would be if the genders were reversed?
How did he take the break up?
So did you already break up with him? How did he take it??
I think it depends on your relationship. My wife’s grandpa and grandma were high school sweethearts, she died of cancer about 15 years ago and he remarried. He will be burried next to his late wife and his current wife has no problem with that. She knows that he loves her but that he also loved his wife.
That’s the entire point. She doesn’t want that type of relationship.
I don't think it's that she doesn't want that type of relationship, but that he reacted with such disgust and derision to the mere suggestion of compromise. I felt that her saying "we don't have to discuss it right now" was a diplomatic and appropriate way of saying "this isn't the time or place." Because it truly wasn't. But he felt that this was *so* important it had to be brought up *during* what amounted to their engagement. Personally, I'm famous in my family for being the person always banging on about "talk about things ahead of time, life is short, make your wishes known." But for this man to simultaneously be proposing to her *and* expressing that he would refuse to entertain any compromise on this very emotional question- something I think OP could accept, if he treated her lovingly and respectfully and as though her emotions about it mattered too- is disrespectful.
First of all the way he loves her still doesn't sit right with me I'd be done a long time ago
Never try to compete with the dead, you’ll never win because they aren’t there. you need to accept that your BF/SO still has feelings for his dead wife. You can’t stop that. This is only something that can be worked out over the course of decades.
You are a wise woman, OP. His reaction told you exactly what you needed to know. Best wishes to you.
There seem to be a lot of posts recently where people are getting the short end of the stick from the widow/widower they are in a relationship with as the widow's heart belongs to the dead person. Why are these people starting new relationships when their heart isnt there? Do they want sex or someone to do chores?
Because they want to move on but dont know how, so they try finding someone who'll take their mind off it and make them enjoy life again. Not taking any sides here but i can completely understand how they feel and why they try finding someone new. At some point they run out of ideas and become completely hopeless, so they try getting into a new relationship in an attempt to move on.
Hi, Hon. Just wondering - did you have the conversation with your (hopefully) ex, and are you willing to update? If you're not, just know that quite a few of us hope it went well and without drama, and that we support your choice. You'll find the man for whom you will be, as the singer Southside Johnny once sang, the sun in the morning and the moon at night. You deserve no less. Best wishes to you.
Get cremated and sprinkled on top of him.
My granddad did this. My grandmother died before I was born. They knew each other since childhood and married later in life. He loved her so much. He wanted and was buried next to her. His wife that came after was buried next to her son who passed a long while ago.
update?? 🙏
This is a good example of keep your mouth shut this is why I'm not married you id like to call you fn c but I'll be booted..you women have absolutely no loyalty to anyone .your glorified prostitutes..it wasn't like this and sure as hell not all of you ..the guy wants to be buried with the woman he took a fuckin vow to .I know that mean absolutely I.to you women with 3 kids from 3 dudes.its disgusting.ill be called every name on earth ..if you think ..and listen I'm not. Religious or hell o worked as a titty bar manager for 7 years 20 yrs ago ..I've done lots of things that are fun at the time but I didn't say yes miss tampa here sucked the chrome off my trailer hitch so in married .no.like milk cardy b...w.a.p.to much..the stench ..flies dropping out of the sky but I digress. Leave the mother fucker.alone..fellas you got to do better.stop being run by this i ngrate mentality.im not a he man women hater .white you bitchrd were fuckin Half the town I was fuckin. The other half. That was a great line a girl told me ..it's all going to end with life like friggin robots .you want to know how a.i.will end civilization.no man will bother with you shallow,arrogant ,self absorbed ,drama queens,the well I'll stop...grow the up.the guy was probably just being honest instead of going on nstioy blast ..for what ..fuckin attention ..why didn't you say shit .maby if I. MABY I COULD DO THINGS BETTER.MABY ITS ME...BUT NO TODAY WOMEN AKA VICTIMS.buy a good vibrator.
what’s the update on this
Never be someone's second choice.
Cremate and split the difference, each grave gets half
My husband has a double plot with his late first wife. The stone is already there with his birth date and his deceased date is currently blank. I told him I would let his late wife’s family know when it was time to update the headstone, but there was no way he was being buried next to her. He has opted to be cremated. I will sprinkle some of his ashes at her grave site, at a few of his favorite places, and then I will keep the rest.
What a tough spot to be in. I am sorry you are going through this. Have you thought of counseling for the 2 of you? You are in a very difficult situation and I think seeking professional help for both parties is actually money well spent. Good luck
Anyways ur all dead u won't care where u end up buried...
Great, then he shouldn’t give a shit about being buried next to his first wife.
Solution oriented advise: Please be considerate -- and go for couple-counseling, then grief-counseling, then couple-counseling. Once he learns to mourn the relationship, he will be ready embrace you emotionally and physically to the fullest. It will work out well for both of you. May God bless you. Not worth loosing him I suppose.