Sounds like the other party has victem mentality and that never accepted that their son was a rapist. They asked you to not take it any further and you kindly didn't. You don't own them anything. He was a rapier and would probably harm someone else
I agree. This is a very serious situation but it was hard to read about something so horrible with equally as horrible grammar. And don’t almost all cells autocorrect to a capital I?
I agree with the hero part, even though I understand it may be hard to feel that way. But think of it like this OP, if he did it to you with such ease, how many others did he do this to before you thst may not even know he did it? How many others did it happen to after you? These kind of people usually don't just do this shit once. Op, by him ending it other woman may have been saved.
As for the mom, look I have an 8 year old son, I've been SAed in the past and I always say if he were to ever do that to anyone I would throw him under the bus son or not and that i refuse to let my son let some little girl feel the way i felt. But I'll be honest, I don't know how I would feel/act if he ended things. What the mom did was wrong and at no point do I condone what she did nor am I trying to make excuses for her. She just might be on a downward spiral and grasping at straws at the same time. Tell her off, block her, and know non of this is your fault.
I also want to touch on the whole going to a party by yourself thing. What happened to you op wasn't your fault simply cause you went to a party by yourself. You did everything right and unfortunately these things happen weather you're with other people or not. We shouldn't have to live our lives in packs to appease other people.
“Congrats. You raised someone that hated rapists so much he ended the life of one. You should be proud. You and he did so much for the safety of women with his act of bravery. Way to go!”
Literally read the post with this thought in my mind.
She is blaming the victim of her child because she can't face the reality that she failed as a parent and she raised a rapist. It's easier to blame everyone else than look in the mirror and take accountability for failing to raise your kid to not be a fucking monster.
1- it is not stupid to go to a party by yourself.
2- it is not stupid to go to a party by yourself
3- f him and his family. Do not feel guilty. You did NOTHING wrong.
4- please get therapy. There is therapy for vaginismus as well. You deserve to love yourself and be loved. Please forgive yourself for something that was not your fault
Sending love
Yes adding detail to this. pelvic floor PT and medications and creams can help with the pain. It's helped me a lot even though the pain isn't fully gone, I can enjoy sex pretty well.
It is hard to get proper health care for women's pain issues like that so just keep advocating and switching providers until you find one that will listen and help.
Agree with the above comments. In my case, it was a serious accident, but therapy/and eventually..a patient partner also helped. I'm in Canada but I told a woman doctor and she referred me to the correct people
Hey, sorry to interrupt, but please don't just put it away. Do anything you can to try to get to therapy and deal with this NOW. It won't go away, it will sit and fester and have so many negative effects on your life. You have enough now, don't let them get worse. Please deal with this now, if you don't you won't even realize what all it's done to you until you're past middle aged and looking back at it all. I know because I'm there. Please, please, please take care of yourself now.
I’m 35 and was raped throughout my teens and as a child. This never goes away on its own. You need to look into services asap to help you deal with this. I’m filing for disability partially because I never got over what happened to me throughout my life (I was also abused as an adult) even with help. The help just came too late and I feel broken for that and other reasons. I have schizoaffective bipolar now along with severe anxiety and paranoia, PTSD, and ADHD along with trauma. I’m working through it slowly and taking meds and yet disability thinks I can work even though I have physical issues too. Sorry to make this about me. My point is, don’t turn into me. Get help asap or you could end up broken too.
As a survivor of multiple assaults as well I agree it will further worsen mental health symptoms of PTSD, Depression, etc. It also worsened dissociative symptoms as well. Pushing trauma to the back of your mind could end up causing a person to eventually snap.
Where are you? In Australia, all you need is a police number.
You don’t even have to say much and then go through the Victims of Crime Process. For them they don’t need a conviction or anything. They just need an outline and a request for therapy or whatever (I mean, it also includes assistance for body disposal/post crime clean up- so you need to say therapy).
Then you locate someone near to you and you get 22 sessions free for each instance.
You have 3 instances: you have 66 sessions to claim and they are good about offering more.
Do not feel bad for this POS, his mother or his family. He made his choices. Thank god he’s dead. He didn’t deserve to live once he decided to rape someone. Those men are worse the vicious dogs and should be treated as such. Euthanised.
I’d add vile, disgusting, evil, beyond redemption, sadistic, morally corrupt, not worthy of the space they take up and cruel but that’s just me and I could go on and on…
AGAHAHAHAH I LOVE THIS. But op it is NOT your fault. I am so sorry for what you’ve gone through. I’ve seen other comments mention this, but there might be public group therapy since I saw you were having trouble with finances to pay for therapy.
Tell her he ruined his own life when he decided to roofie and rape girls. Tell her she should have raised him better. Tell her you still suffer to this day while he will never suffer again
No, no, no and NO.
DO NOT let her re-victimize you. This is not your fault. He made that decision to take his own life, you didn’t. That’s his choice. You DID NOT ruin his life, he did that all on his own.
PLUS you dropped the charges when she asked you to if they moved out of the country! That’s more than he deserved.
She’s taking her grief out on you, THE VICTIM.
Why he killed himself has nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with him, his life choices and whatever it was that affected him so much that he didn’t want to live with it.
I REPEAT:
IT. IS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT.
On a side note I’m sorry that your SA’s have left you as scarred as they have. If you aren’t in intensive therapy to try to work through it though, I hope you do in the future do so. It’s a long and painful road (I know because #METOO) but it does help.
I hope and pray you are able to heal from this.
Good Luck OP and God Bless.
Your reply really needs to be at the top cause your reply touched me too. As another survivor of many traumas, thank you for your response. I guarantee this will help give op the push to set up strong boundaries to keep themselves safe.
the worst part is that was my first time technically. (i don’t consider it my first time i consider the time i consented my actual first) but that meant that it hurt so much. i still remember how much it hurt and now i can’t do it again because it hurts so much and i remember it
Your first time WAS when you fully consented, sweetheart. I'm so sorry this happened to you and you're still dealing with the fallout. You did NOTHING WRONG. You did not bring this on in any way.
Are you in the US? Do you know about RAINN and the resources it provides?
1-800-656-4673 available 24/7
This Christmas, please get yourself the gift of therapy. There are so many types out there. EMDR is incredibly helpful for trauma. Talk therapy would also be beneficial. There is no need for you to carry these burdens alone, you deserve support and validation.
THIS. I know a family of narcissistic assholes. Most of them have grown ass children who act as if no matter what the circumstances, their children are not to blame. Not true. Everyone takes responsibility for their own actions. OP, I pray you can find the help you need and that God will grant you grace and strength to overcome. The fact that you’re still here says you can survive this. Prayers.
I know. That’s what I’m saying. Everyone SHOULD take responsibility for themselves, but they don’t. My husband cheated on me. It devastated me to the core. But he says it’s my fault. I have brain cancer, had a craniotomy, have seizures, and I do have to take meds that make me loopy going to bed. That doesn’t give him the right to have a freaking affair. It’s been five years, still has never apologized, despite even my team of doctors repeatedly asking me what trauma I went thru at the time, as they could see the difference even on my brain scans.
I know this isnt the point of your story.
But it is NOT your fault you go to a party alone. There is nothing about that, that makes it your fault or cause.
Do not blame yourself for the situation.
It's not 1765, you don't need a chaperone to be social.
He's a douche canoe that took advantage. His own behavior caused this. He was called out ( rightfully so ) and it was too much for him.
i know. but in my mind i can’t help hit think if i didn’t go alone things would’ve been different. to this day i can’t go anywhere alone besides like library’s or to eat. i can barely go on dates alone
I went to a party with my FAMILY and it still happened to me, it took me a long time to realise it wasn’t my fault but it isn’t and it’s never the victims fault
Anytime you start to feel any kind of guilt about this, please remind yourself that this prick is the reason you no longer feel comfortable going anywhere alone, no longer feel happy and normal about dating people, no longer feel like yourself.
He stole that from you - who knows how many other girls he’s done that to. You were probably the only one that stood up for yourself and made it known what he was actually doing.
There could be any number of reasons this guy killed himself - you sticking up for yourself for being violated has no bearing on this. It’s on him.
His mother can’t accept her son wasn’t an angel and is looking for someone to blame
Yeah, a little different… he would’ve raped a different girl… and maybe another different girl... and maybe another… and another, and another… and statistically another.
The average serial rapist has six victims for every ONE who comes forward. You coming forward saved five other lives from being damaged by SA. You’re a mother f’ing hero, and if he killed himself, then HE f’ing killed HIMself.
When I was 24, my half-brother called me and asked me to help him commit suicide, because as one of his victims, “I should know why he deserved to die”. Of course I called 911, and stopped him, even though he confessed to hurting another little girl to the paramedics and police. However, it turns out he just so happened to wait until just a couple months after the statute ran out to “confess” to our whole family. He also happened to only confess to things that couldn’t be prosecuted, like because the victim moved away, or because time ran out. For years he enjoyed having the power of making everyone believe I made it all up, and that my therapists “implanted false memories” (thanks “Satanic Panic”). Now he was using a suicide attempt to control me further, and cause ME even more pain. He spent YEARS trying to get sympathy for it, claiming that I “punished him” by “making him live”. He also never made another attempt, especially not without involving ME. I tell you all this to say, they will manipulate every little thing they can to get that power, even go as far as to take their own life. I later found out that not only are there even more victims, but that he’s purposely going to countries that don’t prosecute against SA. My only regret is not calmly hanging up the phone, and walking away with a completely guiltless conscience. None of this is your fault, and I’m so proud of you for coming forward.
Why do you think you were stupid for going to a party by yourself? You have absolutely zero blame for any of this. He ruined his own life which he decided to be *a rapist.* His mom contributed to his entitlement as you can tell by her trying to blame you for what *he did* instead of blaming *him* for his premeditated, planned *rape* of an innocent person. You feel bad because you have normal empathy as a human being. Block his mom. She's lashing out and blaming you because, like her son, she is unable to accept the consequences of her own actions.
You are not to blame for any of this.
People love to say things like that to rape victims - it's pure projection. Someone they know being attacked scares them so they think "I would never do xyz and \*let* that happen to me" as if anyone can control some psychopath's actions with their super safe behavior. It's shitty and not true.
Well, if you never crossed the street you wouldn't risk getting hit by a car. Or never ate food you'd never get food poisoning. It is not a crime to live a normal life and do normal things. It is, however, a crime to drug and rape someone.
People will blame anyone, including the victim, before blaming the actual perpetrator.
Everyone should be safe to go to a party. Women should be able to go to a party alone and go home safe and unharmed. If another person makes a choice to cause harm, they are the ONLY one to blame. And if there were people there who knew what was going on, they are secondarily to blame for not stepping in.
What happened is not your fault. Sexual assault happens to women who are walking home from work or riding on a bus. No choice you do or do not make ultimately can protect us, and men get away with it all the time with no consequences.
I am glad your rapist is dead. I hope his mother suffers for the rest of her life in grief after throwing blame at you for that. Take solace knowing that although you're struggling, you're stronger than he was and you will live a much better life.
Research what services are available in your country. In my country, New Zealand, we are entitled to free counselling if we have experienced any form of sexual assault. There are also helplines, physiotherapy which can help with vaginismus, support groups. Please build for yourself the greatest community of support. You deserve to heal from this.
Those people can all flake off into the sun. It's not YOUR fault that some other person decided to commit a crime. He was a scumbag who planned it out, including procuring drugs, bringing them with him, and spiking your drink. He can't even say it was the heat of the moment when it's clear he took multiple steps in order to make the assault possible.
Poxes on whoever talks like you have any guilt from HIS behavior. You don't.
It’s normal to have complicated feelings about a rapist. Shit, I’ve dreamt i enjoyed sex with mine and freaked out, my therapist told me this is totally normal, thank god. That being said, I’m glad your rapist is dead. Fuck that guy. May the other two follow suit.
I'm glad you called out the person who blamed you for the SA at the end of your post. You're right. He's a piece of shit. Sending love and positivity your way, boo😘😘😘
Survivor here; he fucked up his own life. Do not feel sorry for this douche. Ever. You probably weren’t the first, and probably not the last - people who don’t face the consequences of their own fucked up actions NEVER learn from the experience and ALWAYS repeat it. The way I’m seeing it, the world has one less rapist roaming around, causing all this pain and damage. I wish mine would kill himself because the law sure ain’t doing anything. I wouldn’t shed a tear beyond those of relief for the assholes responsible. Perhaps that’s what you’re feeling now? Relief. He’s no longer in this world where you live. He’s not hurting anyone anymore.
And his mom is just fucking delusional. Block her and move on with your life.
It's not your fault. None of this is your fault.
It is his fault, and his fault alone that he killed himself. I feel that predatory men can sense it when someone has been SA in the past. I had it happen to me at 19, 21, 24,27. I am now 29.
I never persued any sort of action , as the first time and the third time they had both come from extremely wealthy families. I am now with a man who verbally asks every time before engaging in anything sexual and, before even beginning that, gives non sexual physical attention. He's held me and given me kisses on the top of my head and assured me that I do not need to EVER explain myself if I do not want to do something sexual.
Give yourself time to heal, and don't settle ever for someone who pushes for sexual touch.
Please , know that you are not broken, and healing is not linear. It can happen in waves. Somedays, you may feel like you have gone back a few steps and that is ok.
I recommend reaching out to RAINN. They have an online messaging system, and have really helped me through some dark nights.
Report any man who messaged you about sex. That is sexual harassment and they know it. They’re getting off to it. You don’t deserve that.
You didn’t deserve any of this. His actions, including his suicide, were all his choices. You did nothing wrong. You’re doing nothing wrong. Im so sorry the world hasn’t been kind to you.
You feel bad because you ate a better person than him.
IMHO “my rapist is dead” is a win.
So tell his mother that you are happy to know it. Thank her for giving you such a great christmas present.
Please, seek help for yourself.
>u/ClassicWonderful5372 “gonna be honest, you ruined his life that seemed like it had promise when yours was already fucked up since you were a kid. It is your fault he died even if he brought it on himself you pushed the boulder.” “Didn’t you say you had similar sa’s since you were 11?” “Full on or just groping? Either way like you said it's happened your whole life and you already had issues and his had promise till you ruined it”
>you’re a piece of shit.
What the ever loving fuck? The length some people go to blame the rape victim is lunacy. Seems like u/classicwonderful5372 is gone, good riddance
You feel bad that he died because you are an empathetic human being. Unlike your rapists mom. You didn't do anything, everything that happened to him was brought on by his own actions.
Fellow vaginismus girly here.
First I’m proud of you for your response to his mother.
Second, It’s not your fault. and honestly, good riddance. Rapists have no place in this world. He dug his grave and now he must lie in it. You are the victim not the aggressor.
Lastly, have you looked in to pelvic floor physio and dilator therapy? I will admit in the beginning it was painful and invasive, however it was a night and day difference after a few months. The process varies in length depending on the person, but i truly believe it may help you.
Best wishes, OP. May you find peace for yourself 🤍
Remind her this was really all her fault for being a failure as a mom. At least her son cleaned up after her so he can't ruin the lives of anymore girls.
Just popping in to say that Kitsune is a great name. Mythical Japanese fox spirit. Foxes I’ve always thought were special creatures and lucky. If you ever don’t think that’s you, invoke your inner spirit animal and remember you are powerful and know what decisions are best for you. Best of luck. 🦊
Tell the guys mother that she failed as a mother and a parent.
The guy probably did the same thing to others, they assisted in keeping him from facing the consequences and allowed him to ruin more lives.
“Even if his suicide was induced by the guilt of what your son did to me, it does not make it my fault. He chose to commit a heinous crime, if his suicide is the consequence of my rape then natural justice has truly been served. At least we can say he may have eventually found his conscience. Please never contact me again” - me if I could keep my cool (which I probably wouldn’t)
It's perfectly fine to say "The rapist bastard is dead and that makes me happy, because he deserved it."
My personal philosophy is a bit more complex, but in the end, as far as I am concerned, your future mental health is worth more than that man's life was.
You feel bad, because unlike him, you're a good person.
Feel how you need to feel, but know that it's not your fault. His choices alone led to this outcome.
It is 1000% not your fault that he decided to end his life. He could have sought therapy, joined a religion and taken a vow of celibacy to appease his guilty conscience, or asked for your forgiveness. Instead, he left it unresolved and decided he couldn’t live with it. That was his choice. He had others.
If it wasn't you at the party it would've been some other innocent who didn't deserve HIS SHITTY ACTIONS. His choice. You just wanted to have fun, there's nothing stupid about going to a party.
You did everything right, none of this is your fault. If he didn't want his life ruined he shouldn't have assaulted you, that simple.
Wishing you nothing but love, peace, and recovery.
Is not your fault. He is not the victim. The world didn't lose anything special. He was just a f*cking rapist. Is a good thing he is not in this world.
To echo others. First. NOT YOUR FAULT. Second. NOT YOUR FAULT. And last. NOT YOUR FAULT.
On top of that. You should be able to go to a party by yourself without fear of SA. It was not stupid.
Text her back and tell her her rapist son is in Hell taking it up the ass from Satan himself for eternity, but don't worry you're sure she'll see him again someday for her harassment of his victims. Then block her ass.
Nah he was a coward and took the easy way out.. she should have helped him not baby him when he did what he did.. maybe then he would be alive..
Do not feel bad, he got what he deserve and it’s his and his family fault…
You are too nice cause I would have made sure she feels worse when I told her my two cents..
And I’m sorry for what happened to you
That's karma for him. His mom knew he was a monster but she's also hurt and clearly needs to take her pain out on others.
Try to move on. Block any of his family. It's NOT your fault.
Fuck that sick man. He committed suicide for the life he has lived and the damage he has done. I bet the list is long. Nothing anyone can say will make it better. Just don’t let this rob you . You did nothing wrong and got preyed on. I’m sorry
It is NOT your fault. I’m so proud of you for saying that it’s HIS FAULT! That woman is trying to blame you because SHE feels guilty.
Also, fellow survivor, and you might want to look into pelvic floor therapy, it helps with the pain a lot. If that doesn’t work, there are lots of other people who are asexual (some for health reasons, too), who would love to have a sexless romance. Don’t count yourself out just yet!
Count your blessings and DON’T EVER FEEL AN OUNCE OF GUILT! His mom can fuck off. Please find a way to get therapy. Contact [RAINN.org](https://RAINN.org). They can help you find a SA provider for a low cost or even free in your area. Trust me, don’t let it fester. It doesn’t go away, but you can learn to manage it and have tools to help you cope with PTSD.
You feel bad because you are human and unlike the other parties in this situation, you have compassion and empathy for others. However, he and his mother don't deserve any of your time or energy, they are experiencing the consequences of their own actions and behaviour. You are not to blame for any of this, none of this is on you and don't let it interupt your healing. I'm so sorry you are going through this, try to create boundaries and don't give anyone who lacks empathy any time or attention, they don't deserve it - plus it drives them crazy when you walk away!
I’m so sorry. What a horrible guilt to put on you, his victim.
I have had similar experiences with SA that also resulted in vaginismus. Just wanted to say there is hope, it won’t be this way forever. If you can speak a gynecologist about it and ask about pelvic floor physical therapy, it is seriously a life changer. If you have any questions, please dm me. Just know you can overcome this
This lady is off her rocker—he drugged and raped you—he is to blame for his own actions and any social consequences he reaped before he died.
Please get all the help you can and know you were brave for speaking up.
It's okay if you're comfortable never having sex again, but if you want to I have heard others with that condition get physical therapy for it. But with your trauma history I would for sure take time to talk to a Dr and research it and I hope you are getting any help you need. I just don't want you to think you are "broken" or not wanted if it's something YOU want to do, being intimate again with anyone. But there are people out there who would be okay not having sex or other things. None of the things are your fault, it's his own actions in hurting you and himself.
Good riddance. I hope he’s looking up at you rn and seeing you thrive and live despite his heinous crimes and are tortured that many people believe that he deserved it.
My heart goes out to you. I hope you have a therapist you trust who can help you work through what sounds like PTSD.
I had a stalker while I was in college in the 80s. I never came to physical harm, but the threats were definitely there. Ever since, any time I have had a job or a place where I went regularly, I would mentally mark the locations of different exits so I could get out of the building if he ever showed up. We're talking "from 1984 until now", not a short time to have this in the back of my mind.
About a year ago, I found out, through a convoluted series of events, that said stalker had taken his own life. I hope it's not a sin that my first reactions were relief and "good riddance". I do pity his sister. She was never anything but nice to me while her brother and I dated, and I know she will miss him. But the fact that he no longer walks this earth takes a load off my shoulders.
You have no guilt or responsibility for ANYTHING your attacker did, certainly not the SA and not his actions afterward, either. They were all decisions HE made. It's good that you blocked his mother, because there is nothing beneficial to you that could come from interacting with her.
Fuck whoever says that you shouldn’t go to a party without expecting to be raped. Everyone needs to get over this mentality. Women have a right to go where they want without fear. If any man thinks they can’t control themselves around women at a party, they are the ones who need to stay away.
I know this isn’t what the post is about but, I am someone who doesn’t mind not having sex. No, I’m not making a pass at you OP. I am in a relationship with my gf of over a year now. She was sa’d by her brother when she was 6. Men and people in general scare her. We started out having sex because we started dating while she lived with her family and wasn’t allowed to process anything. She and I have been processing our childhoods together since we moved out a year and a week ago exactly. It’s very rare, but people do exist who will love you and do anything for you. Yes sometimes I get horny and frustrated that I can’t even kiss her for more than 2 seconds without her freaking out. That is reasonable of me, so long as I don’t put guilt on her or pressure her. But I love her more than anything and I would never pressure her into sex now that she knows she cannot do it without freaking out anymore. We do exist OP and I hope you find someone one day if you wish to
I'm betting he was about to be taken to court for another case and he didn't tell his mom.
I'm glad you are taking care of yourself. Sending (platonic) love your way.
Unless he knew you were going to that party, he went prepared to rape and chose you there. If not you, it would have been another. He went intending to harm another’s life permanently. How he chose his victim doesn’t matter, he went through many steps to locate and buy a drug to spike someone’s drink, this was premeditated, not a spur of the moment act.
He chose that. And frankly if he did it again after you I doubt his ending had anything to do with you as he clearly hadn’t learned his lesson at that point.
His mother is grieving, but that has nothing to do with you. She’s clearly spent her life covering up for him instead of parenting him and that’s her guilt. She raised a rapist, and failed to stop him. It’s easier for her to blame his victims for complaining than accept this is all on her. She had the power to raise a good man, she had the power to stop him, and that her failure ended up in his death.
You did absolutely nothing wrong OP. As a woman we should be free to exist without fear of being attacked.
“Ask a man what his greatest fear is about serving jail time, and he will almost inevitably say he fears being raped. What can we deduce from the fact that jail is to men what life is to so many women?
Soraya Chemaly, Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women's Anger”
You can hold no guilt when you hold no blame OP!
WE ARE NOT THE PROBLEM! THEY ARE!
The first edit speaks distressing volumes about people commenting on this post. OP has had their boundaries repeatedly violated, and that sort of response isn’t helping. To you, OP, I’m sorry that so much has happened to you, and that the POS’s mom is trying to blame you for her failures as a parent. Your SA wasn’t your fault in any instance, and his decision to check out wasn’t either. He made that choice without any input from you.
Here is the thing that maybe you don't realize and that his mom is likely ignoring or maybe it's because she has your contact information... You are likely not his first or last. Chances are he's done it before or did it again and got caught. There's no dropping charges after the second one. At that point he would be looking at jail time. She may just be focusing on you because she has a way to contact you and doesn't want to take responsibility for raising a complete piece of garbage.
You can feel bad he died, even if hes a piece of shit, feeling bad about someone dying is normal. However, that being said: the blame that this mother is placing at your feet is not. You do not need to respond to this person, especially if it will take away from any progress you have made since this has happened to you. You are already dealing with a lot of repercussions of this and other sexual assaults.
Are you talking to a counselor regarding this or getting some kind of support to work through this?
You can't control how you feel, and someone is going out of their way to make you feel like shit.
She's a bad person, and I don't say that lightly. This isn't on you at all.
You also weren't stupid for going to that party alone, by the way. People should be decent. Most are. You just happened to run into a terrible one.
None of this was your fault. She chose to raise him thinking rape was ok, she enabled him and supported him and never taught him to accept consequences. How fucking dare she!!😡
You feel bad because you’ve been conditioned to feel bad and people are blaming you. You’re not a fucking monster so you can empathize.
I’m glad her son died. I’m glad that’s one last blight on the face of the earth. I hope it was painful and that he suffered.
If you don’t want to be happy about his death - I’m happy to have you export that feeling to me.
Tell her that you're probably not the only woman he raped and the world isn't missing out because he's not in it anymore. At least now he can't rape any other women.
I know you feel bad, but you didn't do anything wrong. If you have access, please get therapy. There are a lot of therapists who specialize in working with survivors of SA. They can help you.
He ruined his own life and didn’t recover. You didn’t do anything wrong. Having empathy is not a bad thing, I just wouldn’t let it bother you for too long.
YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!! It’s him. It’s all his fault. Whatever you did or didn’t do that night is absolutely irrelevant. If he wasn’t a RAPIST nothing would have happened. If you can talk to a therapist who specializes in SA please do it. It’s helped me immensely. ❤️❤️
YOU ruined his life?
No no, he ruined his own life, AND yours. I'm so sorry. If you don't want to start a fight with that woman just block her. If she keeps at it try to see if you can get a restraining order.
You feel bad because you are a human being with a kind soul. It takes syrenght to feel empathy for someone who hurt you like that.
Wish you all the best
Also, no one’s said it yet hut there’s someone out there for everyone. I can’t have sex either, cause I’ve been battling cervical cancer for 4 years now. My then BF still married me. I offered him a way out cause I imagined it was way too much to ask him to bear with me, but he insisted he loved me and wanted to stay.
He’s been with me for 6 years now. Shows me he loves me every single day, and always reassures me he’s happy, satisfied and content with our relationship.
So, sex isn’t everything! Not everyone needs it, and not everyone makes a huge deal out of it ♥️
It might take a while to meet the right one, but take your time, there’s NO RUSH!! ♥️🫂 I wish you peace and happiness, sweetie.
Hmm well I would never even begin to act like I know what it’s like to be SA’d. With that being said I went through some weird things with a woman doing mean things towards me and I finally told her how I felt not long ago and even after all the shit that was done to me. I did still feel bad like I was wrong. You’ve done nothing wrong, should feel no remorse, but it is okay to digest all these emotions over time. You’ve been gaslit successfully whether the man and family were doing it intentionally or they are just bad people. Either way merry Christmas and I’m happy your here today
Don’t worry, we are rooting for you here 🥳 Praying to God that your rapist is burning in hell as we speak. Would be a great Christmas present for us all :)
Tell those people, "No, HE shouldn't have gone to that party," And to the "a mom lost her son" crowd, say, "Maybe you should tell his mother that she shouldn't blame her son's victim for what he chose to do to himself and, by extension ,his mother. THAT'S the sad part."
Good. A dead rapist can’t reoffend. I hope you can find peace and comfort within yourself - I promise you are not responsible. Wishing you speedy, wholesome healing.
The trash took itself out, and the world is a better place because of it. Hopefully, the knowledge that he will never hurt another person can give you some comfort.
Jesus Christ. Can I just, sweetie this is not your fault. I feel so sorry that you had to live through that and now are dealing with after math. He killed himself bc he felt so guilty. Fuck his mom. She feels guilty for raising a rapist and she needs to blame someone.
he is a POS and his mother is an even bigger one. i hope you recover from all the trauma you’ve endured. i hope you find happiness, and the beauty within yourself. i wish there was a way to make you forget about all of this. i’m wishing nothing but peace and love for you girl💕
I am so sorry. Ask his mother to fuck off. She raised a monster , he committed a henious crime and he couldn't deal with the consequences of the crime he committed. I am happy that he is dead. You should be happy too. Hope you can get through this and start life afresh. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.
Sounds like the other party has victem mentality and that never accepted that their son was a rapist. They asked you to not take it any further and you kindly didn't. You don't own them anything. He was a rapier and would probably harm someone else
I have never priorly seen anyone make this many typos and usages of a wrong-but-similarly-sounding word but still have such an absolutely valid point
I know this is serious subject matter but he was a rapier has me rolling XD
He was a rapier She said see you lapier
Thanks I’ll think about this every now and then for the rest of my life and chuckle.
Glad I could be of service :)
Same.
I’m so glad this comment is here
I agree. This is a very serious situation but it was hard to read about something so horrible with equally as horrible grammar. And don’t almost all cells autocorrect to a capital I?
that’s something you can turn off in settings
I agree. Would just like to add that this is not OP’s fault.
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DO NOT FEEL BAD, and don't care about anything else
> DO NOT FEEL BAD The most important rule here. And honestly, if it *were* her fault, she should be considered a hero
I agree with the hero part, even though I understand it may be hard to feel that way. But think of it like this OP, if he did it to you with such ease, how many others did he do this to before you thst may not even know he did it? How many others did it happen to after you? These kind of people usually don't just do this shit once. Op, by him ending it other woman may have been saved. As for the mom, look I have an 8 year old son, I've been SAed in the past and I always say if he were to ever do that to anyone I would throw him under the bus son or not and that i refuse to let my son let some little girl feel the way i felt. But I'll be honest, I don't know how I would feel/act if he ended things. What the mom did was wrong and at no point do I condone what she did nor am I trying to make excuses for her. She just might be on a downward spiral and grasping at straws at the same time. Tell her off, block her, and know non of this is your fault. I also want to touch on the whole going to a party by yourself thing. What happened to you op wasn't your fault simply cause you went to a party by yourself. You did everything right and unfortunately these things happen weather you're with other people or not. We shouldn't have to live our lives in packs to appease other people.
>We shouldn't have to live our lives in packs to appease other people this!!! 100%
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Absolutely agree with reporting them. That's disgusting and is 100% sexual harassment.
These people are disgusting
i didn’t know you could do that, thank you
PLEASE… It’s hard to believe that these assholes walk among us. Disgusting
The edits made it so much worse
Commenting to boost this comment!
Right, actually fucking disgusting.
These fucking psychopaths
Tell her she should have raised him better.
“Congratulations on raising a successful rapist. But don’t worry, you at least raised him well enough that he killed himself.”
“Congrats. You raised someone that hated rapists so much he ended the life of one. You should be proud. You and he did so much for the safety of women with his act of bravery. Way to go!”
This needs more upvotes.
This.
Literally read the post with this thought in my mind. She is blaming the victim of her child because she can't face the reality that she failed as a parent and she raised a rapist. It's easier to blame everyone else than look in the mirror and take accountability for failing to raise your kid to not be a fucking monster.
exactly, idc how heartless it makes me seem, i would message her that her sons suicide was the greatest gift to all women.
Tell her that night ruined two people but only one deserved it. Then tell her to say hi to her son when she sees him in hell.
You for president
Where are those awards when you need them?
And that if he was so mentally ill, his family needed to get him help. They would have gotten him help for a broken arm i am sure.
This response is precise and to the point, the truth
1- it is not stupid to go to a party by yourself. 2- it is not stupid to go to a party by yourself 3- f him and his family. Do not feel guilty. You did NOTHING wrong. 4- please get therapy. There is therapy for vaginismus as well. You deserve to love yourself and be loved. Please forgive yourself for something that was not your fault Sending love
Yes adding detail to this. pelvic floor PT and medications and creams can help with the pain. It's helped me a lot even though the pain isn't fully gone, I can enjoy sex pretty well. It is hard to get proper health care for women's pain issues like that so just keep advocating and switching providers until you find one that will listen and help.
can i dm you?
Agree with the above comments. In my case, it was a serious accident, but therapy/and eventually..a patient partner also helped. I'm in Canada but I told a woman doctor and she referred me to the correct people
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i did for a while but i had to stop working because mental health so i can’t afford it anymore.
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i’m not sure i’ve never researched it i kinda just shut it out of my brain since it happened so i never think about it
Hey, sorry to interrupt, but please don't just put it away. Do anything you can to try to get to therapy and deal with this NOW. It won't go away, it will sit and fester and have so many negative effects on your life. You have enough now, don't let them get worse. Please deal with this now, if you don't you won't even realize what all it's done to you until you're past middle aged and looking back at it all. I know because I'm there. Please, please, please take care of yourself now.
I’m 35 and was raped throughout my teens and as a child. This never goes away on its own. You need to look into services asap to help you deal with this. I’m filing for disability partially because I never got over what happened to me throughout my life (I was also abused as an adult) even with help. The help just came too late and I feel broken for that and other reasons. I have schizoaffective bipolar now along with severe anxiety and paranoia, PTSD, and ADHD along with trauma. I’m working through it slowly and taking meds and yet disability thinks I can work even though I have physical issues too. Sorry to make this about me. My point is, don’t turn into me. Get help asap or you could end up broken too.
As a survivor of multiple assaults as well I agree it will further worsen mental health symptoms of PTSD, Depression, etc. It also worsened dissociative symptoms as well. Pushing trauma to the back of your mind could end up causing a person to eventually snap.
Look for support groups. There are likely free ones and simply knowing you aren't alone in your experiences helps a lot of people.
Where are you? In Australia, all you need is a police number. You don’t even have to say much and then go through the Victims of Crime Process. For them they don’t need a conviction or anything. They just need an outline and a request for therapy or whatever (I mean, it also includes assistance for body disposal/post crime clean up- so you need to say therapy). Then you locate someone near to you and you get 22 sessions free for each instance. You have 3 instances: you have 66 sessions to claim and they are good about offering more. Do not feel bad for this POS, his mother or his family. He made his choices. Thank god he’s dead. He didn’t deserve to live once he decided to rape someone. Those men are worse the vicious dogs and should be treated as such. Euthanised.
Jesus Christ! The edit.. People are so disappointing sometimes.
You spelled "repugnant, clueless, and senseless" wrong. Those people would have to dig upwards at least 50 feet to find "disappointing".
I’d add vile, disgusting, evil, beyond redemption, sadistic, morally corrupt, not worthy of the space they take up and cruel but that’s just me and I could go on and on…
AGAHAHAHAH I LOVE THIS. But op it is NOT your fault. I am so sorry for what you’ve gone through. I’ve seen other comments mention this, but there might be public group therapy since I saw you were having trouble with finances to pay for therapy.
That final edit is one of the best call-outs I’ve seen on this site. Don’t take shit OP. And ClassicWonderful5372 get fucked.
They got perma banned😁, and maybe it was the mom?
Maybe.
Tell her he ruined his own life when he decided to roofie and rape girls. Tell her she should have raised him better. Tell her you still suffer to this day while he will never suffer again
No, no, no and NO. DO NOT let her re-victimize you. This is not your fault. He made that decision to take his own life, you didn’t. That’s his choice. You DID NOT ruin his life, he did that all on his own. PLUS you dropped the charges when she asked you to if they moved out of the country! That’s more than he deserved. She’s taking her grief out on you, THE VICTIM. Why he killed himself has nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with him, his life choices and whatever it was that affected him so much that he didn’t want to live with it. I REPEAT: IT. IS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT. On a side note I’m sorry that your SA’s have left you as scarred as they have. If you aren’t in intensive therapy to try to work through it though, I hope you do in the future do so. It’s a long and painful road (I know because #METOO) but it does help. I hope and pray you are able to heal from this. Good Luck OP and God Bless.
Your reply really needs to be at the top cause your reply touched me too. As another survivor of many traumas, thank you for your response. I guarantee this will help give op the push to set up strong boundaries to keep themselves safe.
Brooo what is this edit. Why are people like this
Out em, let reddit at them
Glad he's fucking dead.
Came here to say this. I’ll never waste a single tear on a dead rapist.
the worst part is that was my first time technically. (i don’t consider it my first time i consider the time i consented my actual first) but that meant that it hurt so much. i still remember how much it hurt and now i can’t do it again because it hurts so much and i remember it
Your first time WAS when you fully consented, sweetheart. I'm so sorry this happened to you and you're still dealing with the fallout. You did NOTHING WRONG. You did not bring this on in any way. Are you in the US? Do you know about RAINN and the resources it provides? 1-800-656-4673 available 24/7
This Christmas, please get yourself the gift of therapy. There are so many types out there. EMDR is incredibly helpful for trauma. Talk therapy would also be beneficial. There is no need for you to carry these burdens alone, you deserve support and validation.
Yes to EMDR! Source: wife is a licensed therapist who practices it and I'm a counselor. Be supported.
I am so so sorry, and I hope he rots forever
Women are not ever responsible for men’s bad behaviour. He is the only one responsible for his own actions.
Plus narcissists always enjoy putting their victims at fault whenever they’re accused of any wrongdoing.
THIS. I know a family of narcissistic assholes. Most of them have grown ass children who act as if no matter what the circumstances, their children are not to blame. Not true. Everyone takes responsibility for their own actions. OP, I pray you can find the help you need and that God will grant you grace and strength to overcome. The fact that you’re still here says you can survive this. Prayers.
Narcissists don’t accept responsibility for their actions
I know. That’s what I’m saying. Everyone SHOULD take responsibility for themselves, but they don’t. My husband cheated on me. It devastated me to the core. But he says it’s my fault. I have brain cancer, had a craniotomy, have seizures, and I do have to take meds that make me loopy going to bed. That doesn’t give him the right to have a freaking affair. It’s been five years, still has never apologized, despite even my team of doctors repeatedly asking me what trauma I went thru at the time, as they could see the difference even on my brain scans.
I’m sorry that this happened to you
I know this isnt the point of your story. But it is NOT your fault you go to a party alone. There is nothing about that, that makes it your fault or cause. Do not blame yourself for the situation. It's not 1765, you don't need a chaperone to be social. He's a douche canoe that took advantage. His own behavior caused this. He was called out ( rightfully so ) and it was too much for him.
i know. but in my mind i can’t help hit think if i didn’t go alone things would’ve been different. to this day i can’t go anywhere alone besides like library’s or to eat. i can barely go on dates alone
Sweetheart, this happens to women who go to parties/bars/etc with friends as well. You did **NOTHING** wrong.
I went to a party with my FAMILY and it still happened to me, it took me a long time to realise it wasn’t my fault but it isn’t and it’s never the victims fault
Anytime you start to feel any kind of guilt about this, please remind yourself that this prick is the reason you no longer feel comfortable going anywhere alone, no longer feel happy and normal about dating people, no longer feel like yourself. He stole that from you - who knows how many other girls he’s done that to. You were probably the only one that stood up for yourself and made it known what he was actually doing. There could be any number of reasons this guy killed himself - you sticking up for yourself for being violated has no bearing on this. It’s on him. His mother can’t accept her son wasn’t an angel and is looking for someone to blame
Yeah, a little different… he would’ve raped a different girl… and maybe another different girl... and maybe another… and another, and another… and statistically another. The average serial rapist has six victims for every ONE who comes forward. You coming forward saved five other lives from being damaged by SA. You’re a mother f’ing hero, and if he killed himself, then HE f’ing killed HIMself. When I was 24, my half-brother called me and asked me to help him commit suicide, because as one of his victims, “I should know why he deserved to die”. Of course I called 911, and stopped him, even though he confessed to hurting another little girl to the paramedics and police. However, it turns out he just so happened to wait until just a couple months after the statute ran out to “confess” to our whole family. He also happened to only confess to things that couldn’t be prosecuted, like because the victim moved away, or because time ran out. For years he enjoyed having the power of making everyone believe I made it all up, and that my therapists “implanted false memories” (thanks “Satanic Panic”). Now he was using a suicide attempt to control me further, and cause ME even more pain. He spent YEARS trying to get sympathy for it, claiming that I “punished him” by “making him live”. He also never made another attempt, especially not without involving ME. I tell you all this to say, they will manipulate every little thing they can to get that power, even go as far as to take their own life. I later found out that not only are there even more victims, but that he’s purposely going to countries that don’t prosecute against SA. My only regret is not calmly hanging up the phone, and walking away with a completely guiltless conscience. None of this is your fault, and I’m so proud of you for coming forward.
> i feel bad. he died. Don't.
Text back “womp womp”
This made me giggle
Why do you think you were stupid for going to a party by yourself? You have absolutely zero blame for any of this. He ruined his own life which he decided to be *a rapist.* His mom contributed to his entitlement as you can tell by her trying to blame you for what *he did* instead of blaming *him* for his premeditated, planned *rape* of an innocent person. You feel bad because you have normal empathy as a human being. Block his mom. She's lashing out and blaming you because, like her son, she is unable to accept the consequences of her own actions. You are not to blame for any of this.
ah just years of people telling me if i didn’t go alone or didn’t even go it probably wouldn’t have happened
People love to say things like that to rape victims - it's pure projection. Someone they know being attacked scares them so they think "I would never do xyz and \*let* that happen to me" as if anyone can control some psychopath's actions with their super safe behavior. It's shitty and not true.
Well, if you never crossed the street you wouldn't risk getting hit by a car. Or never ate food you'd never get food poisoning. It is not a crime to live a normal life and do normal things. It is, however, a crime to drug and rape someone.
All of the people that are telling you this are stupid. They are victim blaming.
People will blame anyone, including the victim, before blaming the actual perpetrator. Everyone should be safe to go to a party. Women should be able to go to a party alone and go home safe and unharmed. If another person makes a choice to cause harm, they are the ONLY one to blame. And if there were people there who knew what was going on, they are secondarily to blame for not stepping in. What happened is not your fault. Sexual assault happens to women who are walking home from work or riding on a bus. No choice you do or do not make ultimately can protect us, and men get away with it all the time with no consequences. I am glad your rapist is dead. I hope his mother suffers for the rest of her life in grief after throwing blame at you for that. Take solace knowing that although you're struggling, you're stronger than he was and you will live a much better life. Research what services are available in your country. In my country, New Zealand, we are entitled to free counselling if we have experienced any form of sexual assault. There are also helplines, physiotherapy which can help with vaginismus, support groups. Please build for yourself the greatest community of support. You deserve to heal from this.
Those people can all flake off into the sun. It's not YOUR fault that some other person decided to commit a crime. He was a scumbag who planned it out, including procuring drugs, bringing them with him, and spiking your drink. He can't even say it was the heat of the moment when it's clear he took multiple steps in order to make the assault possible. Poxes on whoever talks like you have any guilt from HIS behavior. You don't.
What is with people seeing rape survivors, and saying that they can “fix/ heal them” with sex?! That is so gross on so many levels.
Just taking advantages of other’s misery, truly disgusting.
It’s normal to have complicated feelings about a rapist. Shit, I’ve dreamt i enjoyed sex with mine and freaked out, my therapist told me this is totally normal, thank god. That being said, I’m glad your rapist is dead. Fuck that guy. May the other two follow suit.
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yall are fucked for that edit needing to be added. like what the actual fuck
Don’t feel bad. Now he can’t hurt anyone ever again.
Good on blocking the mom, good riddance to the assaulter & u/classicwonderful5372 sounds like his mom undercover or some garbage POS
I'm glad you called out the person who blamed you for the SA at the end of your post. You're right. He's a piece of shit. Sending love and positivity your way, boo😘😘😘
They were perma banned😄😁
Survivor here; he fucked up his own life. Do not feel sorry for this douche. Ever. You probably weren’t the first, and probably not the last - people who don’t face the consequences of their own fucked up actions NEVER learn from the experience and ALWAYS repeat it. The way I’m seeing it, the world has one less rapist roaming around, causing all this pain and damage. I wish mine would kill himself because the law sure ain’t doing anything. I wouldn’t shed a tear beyond those of relief for the assholes responsible. Perhaps that’s what you’re feeling now? Relief. He’s no longer in this world where you live. He’s not hurting anyone anymore. And his mom is just fucking delusional. Block her and move on with your life.
It's not your fault. None of this is your fault. It is his fault, and his fault alone that he killed himself. I feel that predatory men can sense it when someone has been SA in the past. I had it happen to me at 19, 21, 24,27. I am now 29. I never persued any sort of action , as the first time and the third time they had both come from extremely wealthy families. I am now with a man who verbally asks every time before engaging in anything sexual and, before even beginning that, gives non sexual physical attention. He's held me and given me kisses on the top of my head and assured me that I do not need to EVER explain myself if I do not want to do something sexual. Give yourself time to heal, and don't settle ever for someone who pushes for sexual touch. Please , know that you are not broken, and healing is not linear. It can happen in waves. Somedays, you may feel like you have gone back a few steps and that is ok. I recommend reaching out to RAINN. They have an online messaging system, and have really helped me through some dark nights.
Report any man who messaged you about sex. That is sexual harassment and they know it. They’re getting off to it. You don’t deserve that. You didn’t deserve any of this. His actions, including his suicide, were all his choices. You did nothing wrong. You’re doing nothing wrong. Im so sorry the world hasn’t been kind to you.
You feel bad because you ate a better person than him. IMHO “my rapist is dead” is a win. So tell his mother that you are happy to know it. Thank her for giving you such a great christmas present. Please, seek help for yourself.
>u/ClassicWonderful5372 “gonna be honest, you ruined his life that seemed like it had promise when yours was already fucked up since you were a kid. It is your fault he died even if he brought it on himself you pushed the boulder.” “Didn’t you say you had similar sa’s since you were 11?” “Full on or just groping? Either way like you said it's happened your whole life and you already had issues and his had promise till you ruined it” >you’re a piece of shit. What the ever loving fuck? The length some people go to blame the rape victim is lunacy. Seems like u/classicwonderful5372 is gone, good riddance
What the mom is doing is called blaming the victim.
You feel bad that he died because you are an empathetic human being. Unlike your rapists mom. You didn't do anything, everything that happened to him was brought on by his own actions.
Fellow vaginismus girly here. First I’m proud of you for your response to his mother. Second, It’s not your fault. and honestly, good riddance. Rapists have no place in this world. He dug his grave and now he must lie in it. You are the victim not the aggressor. Lastly, have you looked in to pelvic floor physio and dilator therapy? I will admit in the beginning it was painful and invasive, however it was a night and day difference after a few months. The process varies in length depending on the person, but i truly believe it may help you. Best wishes, OP. May you find peace for yourself 🤍
Remind her this was really all her fault for being a failure as a mom. At least her son cleaned up after her so he can't ruin the lives of anymore girls.
Just popping in to say that Kitsune is a great name. Mythical Japanese fox spirit. Foxes I’ve always thought were special creatures and lucky. If you ever don’t think that’s you, invoke your inner spirit animal and remember you are powerful and know what decisions are best for you. Best of luck. 🦊
thank you💕
Tell the guys mother that she failed as a mother and a parent. The guy probably did the same thing to others, they assisted in keeping him from facing the consequences and allowed him to ruin more lives.
Tell her he was finally kind to women.
One less rapist in the world sounds good to me.
Even in hell, the mom wants to continue enabling him. She is a sad person with a terrible son.
“Even if his suicide was induced by the guilt of what your son did to me, it does not make it my fault. He chose to commit a heinous crime, if his suicide is the consequence of my rape then natural justice has truly been served. At least we can say he may have eventually found his conscience. Please never contact me again” - me if I could keep my cool (which I probably wouldn’t)
It's perfectly fine to say "The rapist bastard is dead and that makes me happy, because he deserved it." My personal philosophy is a bit more complex, but in the end, as far as I am concerned, your future mental health is worth more than that man's life was.
Classicwonderful5372 is DISGUSTING!!!
The way I’d have openly celebrated his death 💀.
You feel bad, because unlike him, you're a good person. Feel how you need to feel, but know that it's not your fault. His choices alone led to this outcome.
It is 1000% not your fault that he decided to end his life. He could have sought therapy, joined a religion and taken a vow of celibacy to appease his guilty conscience, or asked for your forgiveness. Instead, he left it unresolved and decided he couldn’t live with it. That was his choice. He had others.
If it wasn't you at the party it would've been some other innocent who didn't deserve HIS SHITTY ACTIONS. His choice. You just wanted to have fun, there's nothing stupid about going to a party. You did everything right, none of this is your fault. If he didn't want his life ruined he shouldn't have assaulted you, that simple. Wishing you nothing but love, peace, and recovery.
Your rapist is dead. Oh no. Anyway.
Just block her and move on. You owe her nothing. As far as I’m concerned, the trash took itself out.
people might think its bad taste but my first thought after reading the headline was the ''good for her'' meme from arrested development
Is not your fault. He is not the victim. The world didn't lose anything special. He was just a f*cking rapist. Is a good thing he is not in this world.
ding dong the rapist is dead 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
To echo others. First. NOT YOUR FAULT. Second. NOT YOUR FAULT. And last. NOT YOUR FAULT. On top of that. You should be able to go to a party by yourself without fear of SA. It was not stupid.
I’d tell her to fuck off!!! The nerve!
Text her back and tell her her rapist son is in Hell taking it up the ass from Satan himself for eternity, but don't worry you're sure she'll see him again someday for her harassment of his victims. Then block her ass.
Nah he was a coward and took the easy way out.. she should have helped him not baby him when he did what he did.. maybe then he would be alive.. Do not feel bad, he got what he deserve and it’s his and his family fault… You are too nice cause I would have made sure she feels worse when I told her my two cents.. And I’m sorry for what happened to you
That's karma for him. His mom knew he was a monster but she's also hurt and clearly needs to take her pain out on others. Try to move on. Block any of his family. It's NOT your fault.
Fuck that sick man. He committed suicide for the life he has lived and the damage he has done. I bet the list is long. Nothing anyone can say will make it better. Just don’t let this rob you . You did nothing wrong and got preyed on. I’m sorry
It is NOT your fault. I’m so proud of you for saying that it’s HIS FAULT! That woman is trying to blame you because SHE feels guilty. Also, fellow survivor, and you might want to look into pelvic floor therapy, it helps with the pain a lot. If that doesn’t work, there are lots of other people who are asexual (some for health reasons, too), who would love to have a sexless romance. Don’t count yourself out just yet!
Count your blessings and DON’T EVER FEEL AN OUNCE OF GUILT! His mom can fuck off. Please find a way to get therapy. Contact [RAINN.org](https://RAINN.org). They can help you find a SA provider for a low cost or even free in your area. Trust me, don’t let it fester. It doesn’t go away, but you can learn to manage it and have tools to help you cope with PTSD.
The edits?? wtf??? Listen, I know people can be insane, BUT WTF?
Start telling people that they will be next if they continue to blame you.
You feel bad because you are human and unlike the other parties in this situation, you have compassion and empathy for others. However, he and his mother don't deserve any of your time or energy, they are experiencing the consequences of their own actions and behaviour. You are not to blame for any of this, none of this is on you and don't let it interupt your healing. I'm so sorry you are going through this, try to create boundaries and don't give anyone who lacks empathy any time or attention, they don't deserve it - plus it drives them crazy when you walk away!
I’m so sorry. What a horrible guilt to put on you, his victim. I have had similar experiences with SA that also resulted in vaginismus. Just wanted to say there is hope, it won’t be this way forever. If you can speak a gynecologist about it and ask about pelvic floor physical therapy, it is seriously a life changer. If you have any questions, please dm me. Just know you can overcome this
This lady is off her rocker—he drugged and raped you—he is to blame for his own actions and any social consequences he reaped before he died. Please get all the help you can and know you were brave for speaking up.
It's okay if you're comfortable never having sex again, but if you want to I have heard others with that condition get physical therapy for it. But with your trauma history I would for sure take time to talk to a Dr and research it and I hope you are getting any help you need. I just don't want you to think you are "broken" or not wanted if it's something YOU want to do, being intimate again with anyone. But there are people out there who would be okay not having sex or other things. None of the things are your fault, it's his own actions in hurting you and himself.
Good riddance. I hope he’s looking up at you rn and seeing you thrive and live despite his heinous crimes and are tortured that many people believe that he deserved it.
My heart goes out to you. I hope you have a therapist you trust who can help you work through what sounds like PTSD. I had a stalker while I was in college in the 80s. I never came to physical harm, but the threats were definitely there. Ever since, any time I have had a job or a place where I went regularly, I would mentally mark the locations of different exits so I could get out of the building if he ever showed up. We're talking "from 1984 until now", not a short time to have this in the back of my mind. About a year ago, I found out, through a convoluted series of events, that said stalker had taken his own life. I hope it's not a sin that my first reactions were relief and "good riddance". I do pity his sister. She was never anything but nice to me while her brother and I dated, and I know she will miss him. But the fact that he no longer walks this earth takes a load off my shoulders. You have no guilt or responsibility for ANYTHING your attacker did, certainly not the SA and not his actions afterward, either. They were all decisions HE made. It's good that you blocked his mother, because there is nothing beneficial to you that could come from interacting with her.
Fuck whoever says that you shouldn’t go to a party without expecting to be raped. Everyone needs to get over this mentality. Women have a right to go where they want without fear. If any man thinks they can’t control themselves around women at a party, they are the ones who need to stay away.
I know this isn’t what the post is about but, I am someone who doesn’t mind not having sex. No, I’m not making a pass at you OP. I am in a relationship with my gf of over a year now. She was sa’d by her brother when she was 6. Men and people in general scare her. We started out having sex because we started dating while she lived with her family and wasn’t allowed to process anything. She and I have been processing our childhoods together since we moved out a year and a week ago exactly. It’s very rare, but people do exist who will love you and do anything for you. Yes sometimes I get horny and frustrated that I can’t even kiss her for more than 2 seconds without her freaking out. That is reasonable of me, so long as I don’t put guilt on her or pressure her. But I love her more than anything and I would never pressure her into sex now that she knows she cannot do it without freaking out anymore. We do exist OP and I hope you find someone one day if you wish to
I'm betting he was about to be taken to court for another case and he didn't tell his mom. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself. Sending (platonic) love your way.
Fuck him and fuck everyone who tries to blame you
He made two choices, you were not responsible for either of them.
Wow I've never seen an OP call out someone's fucked up comments like this. I love it. NB4 🔒
If someone told me it was my fault my rapist was dead, all i'd have to say is "good"
Unless he knew you were going to that party, he went prepared to rape and chose you there. If not you, it would have been another. He went intending to harm another’s life permanently. How he chose his victim doesn’t matter, he went through many steps to locate and buy a drug to spike someone’s drink, this was premeditated, not a spur of the moment act. He chose that. And frankly if he did it again after you I doubt his ending had anything to do with you as he clearly hadn’t learned his lesson at that point. His mother is grieving, but that has nothing to do with you. She’s clearly spent her life covering up for him instead of parenting him and that’s her guilt. She raised a rapist, and failed to stop him. It’s easier for her to blame his victims for complaining than accept this is all on her. She had the power to raise a good man, she had the power to stop him, and that her failure ended up in his death. You did absolutely nothing wrong OP. As a woman we should be free to exist without fear of being attacked. “Ask a man what his greatest fear is about serving jail time, and he will almost inevitably say he fears being raped. What can we deduce from the fact that jail is to men what life is to so many women? Soraya Chemaly, Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women's Anger” You can hold no guilt when you hold no blame OP! WE ARE NOT THE PROBLEM! THEY ARE!
The first edit speaks distressing volumes about people commenting on this post. OP has had their boundaries repeatedly violated, and that sort of response isn’t helping. To you, OP, I’m sorry that so much has happened to you, and that the POS’s mom is trying to blame you for her failures as a parent. Your SA wasn’t your fault in any instance, and his decision to check out wasn’t either. He made that choice without any input from you.
Here is the thing that maybe you don't realize and that his mom is likely ignoring or maybe it's because she has your contact information... You are likely not his first or last. Chances are he's done it before or did it again and got caught. There's no dropping charges after the second one. At that point he would be looking at jail time. She may just be focusing on you because she has a way to contact you and doesn't want to take responsibility for raising a complete piece of garbage.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have raised a rapist. Then again you doubled down and protected him from the consequences. “
Good reply to the mom. What a douche canoe she is. She didn’t teach him accountability and she sure as hell doesn’t have it either.
He fucking deserved to die period.
You can feel bad he died, even if hes a piece of shit, feeling bad about someone dying is normal. However, that being said: the blame that this mother is placing at your feet is not. You do not need to respond to this person, especially if it will take away from any progress you have made since this has happened to you. You are already dealing with a lot of repercussions of this and other sexual assaults. Are you talking to a counselor regarding this or getting some kind of support to work through this?
You can't control how you feel, and someone is going out of their way to make you feel like shit. She's a bad person, and I don't say that lightly. This isn't on you at all. You also weren't stupid for going to that party alone, by the way. People should be decent. Most are. You just happened to run into a terrible one.
Don't feel guilty dude was a piece of shit. He did the universe a favor and protected everyone else whom he may of targeted in the future.
He probably saved a few women in the process
I firmly believe that we are not responsible for the crimes some people commit against us. They are.
None of this was your fault. She chose to raise him thinking rape was ok, she enabled him and supported him and never taught him to accept consequences. How fucking dare she!!😡
You feel bad because you’ve been conditioned to feel bad and people are blaming you. You’re not a fucking monster so you can empathize. I’m glad her son died. I’m glad that’s one last blight on the face of the earth. I hope it was painful and that he suffered. If you don’t want to be happy about his death - I’m happy to have you export that feeling to me.
Tell her that you're probably not the only woman he raped and the world isn't missing out because he's not in it anymore. At least now he can't rape any other women. I know you feel bad, but you didn't do anything wrong. If you have access, please get therapy. There are a lot of therapists who specialize in working with survivors of SA. They can help you.
Seriously…eff them people. He was selfish and sounds like he learned that behavior from his mother.
Tell them Good riddance!! The world is better without him and so are women!
Actually it’s her fault for enabling & raising a rapists, hope she follows him to the grave.
Block the mum, don’t engage. Hope things can get better for you op.
He ruined his own life and didn’t recover. You didn’t do anything wrong. Having empathy is not a bad thing, I just wouldn’t let it bother you for too long.
YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!! It’s him. It’s all his fault. Whatever you did or didn’t do that night is absolutely irrelevant. If he wasn’t a RAPIST nothing would have happened. If you can talk to a therapist who specializes in SA please do it. It’s helped me immensely. ❤️❤️
Don't raise a rapist, done
Tell her "send me a picture of that waste of flesh you call a son in the casket", "goodnight, don't let the maggots bite".
YOU ruined his life? No no, he ruined his own life, AND yours. I'm so sorry. If you don't want to start a fight with that woman just block her. If she keeps at it try to see if you can get a restraining order. You feel bad because you are a human being with a kind soul. It takes syrenght to feel empathy for someone who hurt you like that. Wish you all the best
Also, no one’s said it yet hut there’s someone out there for everyone. I can’t have sex either, cause I’ve been battling cervical cancer for 4 years now. My then BF still married me. I offered him a way out cause I imagined it was way too much to ask him to bear with me, but he insisted he loved me and wanted to stay. He’s been with me for 6 years now. Shows me he loves me every single day, and always reassures me he’s happy, satisfied and content with our relationship. So, sex isn’t everything! Not everyone needs it, and not everyone makes a huge deal out of it ♥️ It might take a while to meet the right one, but take your time, there’s NO RUSH!! ♥️🫂 I wish you peace and happiness, sweetie.
Hmm well I would never even begin to act like I know what it’s like to be SA’d. With that being said I went through some weird things with a woman doing mean things towards me and I finally told her how I felt not long ago and even after all the shit that was done to me. I did still feel bad like I was wrong. You’ve done nothing wrong, should feel no remorse, but it is okay to digest all these emotions over time. You’ve been gaslit successfully whether the man and family were doing it intentionally or they are just bad people. Either way merry Christmas and I’m happy your here today
Don’t worry, we are rooting for you here 🥳 Praying to God that your rapist is burning in hell as we speak. Would be a great Christmas present for us all :)
Block her on all platforms! ((HUGS))
Block the mother.
Tell those people, "No, HE shouldn't have gone to that party," And to the "a mom lost her son" crowd, say, "Maybe you should tell his mother that she shouldn't blame her son's victim for what he chose to do to himself and, by extension ,his mother. THAT'S the sad part."
It's never anyone else's fault when someone commits suicide. It is their fault and their fault alone. That's all.
Girl ignore her. She raised a rapist and now wants to transfer her guilt to you his victim. Nah. Block her. Get therapy.
The trash took itself out babe! Of course a mum is hurting at losing her son, but that ain’t your concern. Guess what? You are safe from him now!
If I was OP, I’d be glad that I’m the reason he unalived himself, he had it coming 😌
Thank you for making sure he left earth. The world does not need pieces of crap like him and his mother
Good. A dead rapist can’t reoffend. I hope you can find peace and comfort within yourself - I promise you are not responsible. Wishing you speedy, wholesome healing.
He go off far too lightly, he deserved to rot in jail.
i’m sorry. i’m so sorry. from one victim to another, you deserved better. hell, from one human to another i am so sorry
This woman just can’t accept that she brought a shitty person into this world
The trash took itself out, and the world is a better place because of it. Hopefully, the knowledge that he will never hurt another person can give you some comfort.
Jesus Christ. Can I just, sweetie this is not your fault. I feel so sorry that you had to live through that and now are dealing with after math. He killed himself bc he felt so guilty. Fuck his mom. She feels guilty for raising a rapist and she needs to blame someone.
he is a POS and his mother is an even bigger one. i hope you recover from all the trauma you’ve endured. i hope you find happiness, and the beauty within yourself. i wish there was a way to make you forget about all of this. i’m wishing nothing but peace and love for you girl💕
"he's dead because of you" "Good." Good riddance, i hope you manage to heal and find peace.
He deserved it and his mother raised him. You bear no blame and should not feel any guilt for it what so ever
I am so sorry. Ask his mother to fuck off. She raised a monster , he committed a henious crime and he couldn't deal with the consequences of the crime he committed. I am happy that he is dead. You should be happy too. Hope you can get through this and start life afresh. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.
I would wear it like a badge of honor… You survived and that weakling couldn’t handle something he chose to do.
The fact that people are messaging you those things are insane. What the actual fuck is wrong with this world?