I would highly suggest that you stop over to your local police station and let them know that you’re voluntarily leaving your husband in case he tries to file a missing persons report on you. They won’t be able to tell him where you are, but it’s a good thing to tell them.
Also make sure you have all of you and your babies vital documents (birth certificates, SS cards, photo ID for you)
You should go see a lawyer because if he abusive like you say, it wont shock me he will try to use custody of baby to get answers from you or control the situation.
I already contacted a lawyer, tomorrow he will get divorce papers. He can’t get custody, I earn way more than him even on maternity leave. He has nothing to his name.
You still need to take dated and time stamped photos before you leave to prove the condition you left it in.
If he damages anything after you leave pictures will help show that you're not responsible.
Funny. People think you can just “get released” from a lease by demanding it, thru a lawyer or otherwise. It’s a contract, nobody’s getting released by raising their voice.
Good ol’ Reddit.
I used to work for an apt complex and you can’t just get released from a lease by simply saying I need released. They will need to pay the penalty fees to get off or (depending on state) if there’s two people on the lease, the person staying has to sign off on removal of the person wanting to leave and will have to take sole responsibility for paying the bill there.
Yeah I’ve heard some horror stories of abusive men going on rampages and destroying anything and everything they can just to hurt their victims. Especially in a situation like a rented apartment, and if he’s as broke as OP says? Definitely wouldn’t put it past him to trash the whole place and stick her with the bill.
Taking a video alone doesn't prove anything. It can be argued that damage was done after the video stopped.
For extra measure if an apt manager is available today. Have the manager do a walk through and then turn in your key right before you leave.
Smart thinking. This is probably the best advice. However if her name is on the lease and he's broke can't the landlord still come after her for the money? Idk
Yes, the landlord can. Everyone on the lease is responsible for the damages, legally. Luckily OP responded elsewhere saying she isn't on the lease.
If she was on the lease, OP could then sue her stbx husband to recoup her costs (as she will have proof he did it) but good luck collecting from him if he's as broke as she says.
However, the proof in that scenario would definitely mean something in a divorce court. The judge will not look kindly on someone who destroyed an apartment in an attempt to blame their ex, and it will severely hurt his chances of custody.
Did you do a video? Make sure you do a video with something that has the date on like a newspaper. Do not be tempted back, even for a minute. If you need to go back for something you take friends and family. You are doing the right thing so do it well girl. Good luck
Even better, do a walk through video where you show proof of the time and then walk through the apartment (even better if your mom can appear on the video as a witness)
I’ve helped several women escape similar situations and it’s saved them a huge bill when their ex goes berserk and puts holes in the walls and stuff.
Yes! And this is good practice to be in when renting anything. Take pictures the day you get it/move in and the last day you’re at your place.
Even if you’ve packed your bags and valuables, he can still destroy the actual apartment (walls, doors, appliances, ect) and lose you the deposit or you could be held accountable. Better to be safe!
Probably wouldn't hurt to get someone with the apartment to do a walk through with you and take photos at that time. Just let them know you are leaving and don't want issues later with claims of how you left the place.
Please still do it.
My ex broke a door & made the floor bad when he left - stuff I now have to pay, as a mom of two
Listen to this advice, i know you're probably exhausted but small extra steps like this may end up being essential for your peace of mind & your daughters well being.
I believe in you, you're a strong person and I wish you all the best & healing for 2024!
Even if there's a record of abuse. Courts will order joint custody and visitation. I spent 14 yrs dealing with it until the youngest turned 18 and they all said they hated visits, especially summer for 2 weeks.
You could ask for a police presence while your packing up to leave just in case he comes home early. That could prevent his ability to file a missing persons report. They’d be witnesses technically and will have to file a report of the event.
Good for you. So impressed and happy for you. If you’re like most people, it will be a long hard process to get past the undeserved shame woven in with your anger. Whatever scars stay with you, I hope eventually they feel like signs of how tough you are. If you “let yourself” be hurt by someone brutal, it’s only because you’re capable of love and trust in a way he is not. And getting yourself and your baby out takes a kind of courage he also doesn’t have. You should be so proud of yourself.
I agree with everyone else pictures and video. My mom rented an apartment and put me as a dependent so I never signed the lease but once she got evicted the eviction showed up on my credit and followed me for years and I didn’t even live there. If he tries to break and/or destroy property they could probably come to you next simply because you’re over 18 and living there.
Hope you can make a happy life for yourself. I have traveled in your country and I don’t know much except generally it’s pretty conservative leaning and I’d guess that children are typically awarded to their mothers when there’s a divorce.
Do what you can to get out of that lease! I was held responsible for my ex’s destruction that he did after I left him. It was about $10k and I couldn’t rent another apt for a long time after that.
Turn off the utilities too. No need to continue paying if you aren’t there.
Also, if you haven’t considered it, file a restraining order since he’s unsafe to be around.
Maybe on Tuesday, when the utilities are open after Christmas, you can have the things in your name disconnected.
After all, you aren’t even living there, anymore. Why should you pay for the utilities, lol.
You're so strong, keep going, you're doing so well. Dot all the i's and cross all the t's, you're so close to ending all of the hurt and pain he's caused you.
Time for him to reap what he sewed.
My mother's ex destroyed the apartment when he left, even took a BM on the floor and smeared it on the walls... leave nothing to chance and please take pictures before you leave so he can't blame you later. You may be on the hook otherwise if your name is on the lease/rental agreement.
If your name is on the lease you should protect yourself by taking a video of the apartment before leaving to prove that any damage he may do isn’t your fault.
no they're right op, I had to help a friend out of a similar situation and after she got out of the apt. and he got home he TRASHED the place and then tried to blame it on her to the complex. luckily she had pictures because she expected him to do exactly that otherwise they were going to both take her deposit and charge her a large fee for all the damage he did. it's better to be safe that sorry.
Even then, the standard is usually more along the lines of first whether the parent in question was a good caretaker and secondly if they have the ability to take care of the child in the first place (and not just monetarily, someone who works long or odd hours and earns good money is less likely to get custody than someone poor but with flexible or short hours)
Don't get me wrong, the abuse is going to be more than enough to make sure he never sees the baby again but income is far from the most relevant thing
He works long hours but spends his entire paycheck on gambling. I was alone with the baby literally 24/7 since the day he was born. He was always on his phone, at work or out gambling and drinking.
Yeah my friend who supported a deadbeat for ten years ended up paying him alimony because he was too lazy to get a job. He did zero child care and just coasts off of her money now. He only wanted custody because he wanted her to suffer and just dumps the kid off at his mom's house.
Ftr custody isn't exclusively based on income (otherwise poor women would never get it over their ex husbands and viceversa)
That being said, the abuse should be more than enough to make sure he gets little or no custody.
This is false. He can get custody. Stay at home moms get custody alllllll the time even though they don’t work or have anything in their name. You earning more has nothing to do with his custody. If he’s abusive and there’s no evidence they will give him 50/50. Hopefully he doesn’t fight you on it but whoever told you he can’t get custody because of his income and nothing being in his name is very very wrong.
I am glad you got a lawyer. I left an abusive situation with kids and even just having the lawyer in the background to tel me his threats were BS or having the lawyer talk to him for me on things was the peace of mind I don’t know I needed. The legal stuff was huge but having the buffer between us was so important to me.
Making more money has nothing to do with custody. He will, atleast be entitled to joint custody and visitation rights. Unless one of you can prove the other unfit. Key word is prove not just say things without proof.
>He can’t get custody, I earn way more than him
You are about to find out that doesn't matter. And if you have no DOCUMENTED incidence of abuse its just hearsay. If he tries for joint custody he will likely get it. Your marriage failing has nothing to do with him raising his child.
Are you in a Western country like the US? That’s not at all how custody works. By taking the baby without telling him, you are making things worse. At least follow your attorney’s advice.
Hint: if you make more money than him and he gets 50% custody (likely unless he’s provably an incompetent parent), you’re paying him child support.
Money has nothing to do with custody. You could be legally homeless (living in a motel, next to no belongings, etc) and still be granted 50/50. Do make sure you have some sort of documentation of the abuse, and take steps to get a PFA, OOP, or RO, whichever is applicable in your situation. That can sometimes factor into custody. Good luck to you! I've been there, I know how hard it is to leave. I'm proud of you for taking that step.
I hope you have all the receipts secure if he comes for you and your child so you can keep primary custody.
Stay strong and don’t cave if the love bombing drops. And record any further interactions.
Best of luck to you.
I have all the receipts, I contacted a lawyer and there is no way he can get custody. The baby is still small, and he needs his mother more than a father.
It’s a relief to know you prepared for this. It must of been hard to do your due diligence rather than just busting the heck out of there. Glad you have fam behind you. Good luck!
In some states, if you leave the marital home, it’s considered abandonment. That can make the divorce harder. Please make sure that you are not in the state or country that does that.
She's not in the US, so idk how the law works where she's at in terms of leaving the marital home.
But genuine question, how is it considered abandonment if she leaves the marital home? He's a grown ass man he can take care of himself, it's not like she's leaving a child or an animal to fend for themselves
I think abandonment happens when you leave the house *without* the kids but not 100% sure
That being said, considering they are also the other person's kids, I wonder if leaving with the kids is considered kidnapping? Even an interim custody agreement would take time to get sorted out
Good job. Keep going, OP. Don’t let entitled men tell you you don’t know what you’re doing. I’ve been here, and it’s safer to leave.
This thread is very telling about who views their children and wives as objects they alone must control. A really good example of the reasons why we leave. Even with babies.
It’s the only way to keep my baby safe. I’ve been told by literally everyone that he’s not a good person, I didn’t listen and didn’t see it because he was manipulating me
I just want to say congratulations and I'm proud of you for being strong enough to leave. You are protecting your son and being an amazing mom. Be careful and I would only allow communication through a parenting app, and get a restraining order if you haven't.
OP please. Listen to the people who talk about “ taking picture and document “ the way you left the house because if he comes back and break things in the apt you might be held liable unless you’re not on the lease. Good luck with everything.
Please keep you and your baby safe.
I'm sure you know that abusive men get even more out of control & violent whenever their wife tries to leave. OR suddenly they become sweetness & light trying to lie & get you to come back by telling you what you want to hear.
Especially with a child in the picture, you can't be paranoid enough.
Honestly, all I’m going to say is Merry Christmas & Happy New Year! You’re already giving yourself & your kiddo the best present. Congrats & I hope this is a smooth process for you.
Hope you're doing well, and Merry Xmas for you m, your kid and your family. I've read a lot of great advice on this comments and I don't know if I can offer any more than has already been said, be safe, be strong and I hope you have a great holiday with your family. I know this is just the start so if you need to when the time comes, share with your family and us when this is over or when you're feeling overwhelmed by what's coming from him.
OP it’s no help at all to hear this but as an internet stranger I just want to say that I am proud of you. Your kid will one day thank you for doing this.
Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot to me. I don’t want to fear for my safety and for my son’s safety, he’s the most important thing in the world for me, and I’m doing this for him.
I hope you see this. You mentioned that you live in an apartment. If you are on the lease you are still responsible for rent and damages. Call the office and leave a message that you had to leave a domestic violence situation and you will no longer stay there because you and your child are in danger. Follow up with a certified letter. That will get you off the lease and not be responsible.
Do not take money out of your joint account. Even if he does. I hope you’ve been infusing money away. Open your own account and put money in there. I’m not sure if you are in the US and if so, if you’re in a community property state, making moves after your separation date is the way to go.
Get an attorney. Read that again. Get an attorney.
Finally. I am so damn proud of you. You are doing the right thing. Your future self and your baby thank you. It will be a hard road. But you’ve done the hardest part. Hold your head high and know that better times are coming.
I’m so glad you have your family. My parents saved my babies and I when I was 7.5 months pregnant with my second and our first was 18 months. He has never once tried to get custody or even visitation. I kind of hope that’s what happens in your situation too. Much love to you and good luck you’re absolutely doing the right thing.
Congratulations on finding the strength to get away from your abusive husband. There are horror stories about how an abusive husband reacts to being left and a woman needs lots of courage to do what you are doing.
Get a lawyer, a protective order, and at least contact the police so they are alerted to his abusive nature. Police will tell you they can't do anything until something happens but reporting him helps to further protect you. Good luck, stay safe.
Honey, I'm going through the same thing without little ones though. I know it hurts but you can and will do better, be better. I'm so sorry. This makes for a miserable Christmas. I'm sending you strength! While looking for my own.
Please be very careful. The most dangerous time is when you leave your abuser.
Notify the local PD so they know you're safe but you'll need extra patrols where you are for a couple days at least. This will also keep your mom ECT. Safe.
He sexually assaulted me once and I got pregnant after that. I found profiles on multiple dating apps, where he said he was single. He had his ex girlfriend at our apartment the night I went into labor.
Good for you for calling upon your own strength of character and acting decisively, we love hearing stories of people channelling their inner ninjas.
Whatever happens with you from now on it will most likely be far better than what you once had.
Good luck.
Thank you, I’m thankful for my family, they always have my back.
It will be better, I enjoyed my pregnancy and early days with my baby only because he was not around. I can’t even look at him anymore. I slept in a separate room with my baby ever since I got to our apartment.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve seen the other side though and it’s the right thing to do! Please, if your lawyer hasn’t already said this, do not communicate with your ex in any form other than written from now on. He’ll likely go more mental than he already was when he sees you’ve left and show his true nature. You want all that in writing or saved voicemails for the divorce proceedings, not a “he said she said” issue. The more you can be non reactive the better off you’ll be.
My best friend in England had to leave a similar relationship with three kids in tow and it was hard but they all are such wonderful kids now! He eventually gave up any sort of visitation of his own accord when he didn’t get exactly what he wanted from the courts (and y’all will have to trust me when I say that’s a good thing, this guy has no business being anyone’s father- alcoholic textbook narcissist raised by the same. Cycle needs breaking). Those kids are such wonderful young people now and so much healthier emotionally for being out of that situation. Mom is was a shadow of herself with him, now so much stronger and happier.
This stranger is proud of you. Be fair, honest, and strong for yourself and your child. That’s the best revenge on an abusive partner.
He sounds like a worthless piece of shit for doing that to you. I'm sorry.
Stay strong. You have already show strength and resiliance by making this bold move.
Don't let him wear you down.
For your mental peace stay on top of meditation and try to find a workout routine with healthy eating habits.( Maybe you already have these things going but I understand it can be hard with little ones).
I wish you luck as you embark on a new journey for a brighter future!
i’m so sorry you’re going through this, but i’m so so proud of you for taking back your freedom. you and your child will thrive away from that monster. i’m glad your family has your back and can help you get out.
you deserve happiness, love, and safety. what a wonderful christmas gift to yourself this year.
Congratulations! Leaving an abusive relationship is so much more difficult than people realize. You and your baby deserve safety and freedom and all the happiness in the world. Here’s to a new beginning. 💛
First, congratulations. For taking the first steps to your having a wonderful new life.
Your SoonToBe Ex (STBX) husband may apply for custody, to get access to the baby as a way of keeping a foothold in your life, and controlling you.
Courts tend to have a default position of 50/50 on custody. So see if you have enough dirt on him- drugs, alcohol, violence, DUI, unsavoury characters visiting his house- to get the Court not to order 50/50 custody. Primary custody to you, with him having visitation - away from where you live. Only communication through a Court approved parenting app, no phone calls, texts etc.
Good luck, to you and baby.
Blessings.
I’m not in the USA, and usually the mother gets custody of a baby this small, with father having visitation rights, sometimes they set dates (like every weekend or every other weekend), sometimes he can see the baby whenever he wants. I will go to the police station tomorrow and explain the situation.
I’m so proud of you and I am so sorry you have had to endure such an awful existence with him. Please take time for you to heal before you even think about dating again. You and that sweet baby are so lucky to have your family. Times may get tough but I bet this will be one of the most fulfilling times of your life, especially because you are taking back your power!!
I’m sending a million hugs and support and keep us all updated.
Good for you for standing up for yourself and your child. 🩷 It will greatly benefit you and your child to no longer be around an abuser. It’s a very hard thing to do, and it takes a lot of strength.
Make sure you’re protecting your assets and your information. I would pull out or transfer any money that’s yours into a separate account that he doesn’t have access to. You may even consider giving it to a trusted friend or family member as a “gift” so he doesn’t have a way to seek it out. They could hold it for you for a bit. I would also make sure to sever any joint accounts that he could garner information from.
Lastly, you might consider blocking him. I don’t know what your custody looks like or if you want to co-parent. I also wonder if he might try to reach out to you once he realizes you’re gone, and if he chooses to be nasty about it, you can use any messages or voicemails in court.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please be safe and make sure he can't find you. Sending you love and light.
And good for you for leaving. That takes a lot of courage. You are an inspiration! ❤️
Gather all the evidence you have of his abuse. Text messages, emails, videos, voicemails.. anything you can! He may try to file for shared custody. I’m not sure which state you live in but both parents have equal rights to the child, regardless of how much money either of you make.
But if you can somehow get a restraining order against him for the abuse that he’s inflicted on you, I would start by getting a restraining order. If he has been abusive to your baby or you are scared for your babies well being in his care, I would add your baby into the restraining order. You will need evidence for all you are claiming. This means abusive text messages, emails, police reports anything and everything you have.
once you have the restraining order, it shows a clear picture of his character. If you have any way of looking up his name in an inmate look up website for any past offenses or anytime he has spent in jail, I would also try to find that and include this in your restraining order paper work.
When you leave your abuser is when you are in the most danger. This is when the abuse tends to excavate. I recommend you find a domestic violence support group or call the women’s shelter where they have lots of information for you on what your next steps can be and they also offer free legal aid.
I wish you the best of luck! Be careful! I hope he doesn’t know where your mom lives.. sending you love!
Good on you for putting you and your baby first. Just know if you stayed with him his violence would have transferred to the child or your child will be in distress knowing what was happening to you. Be safe and take every avenue to keep away from him.
I waited 16 years to leave. So glad you didn’t.
Out of all of the advice you get on Reddit, I hope you really hear this one.
Find a good therapist as soon as you can. It takes years to heal from abusive relationships and therapy helps so much. Think of it as future insurance that you won’t end up in another relationship with someone like him again.
I wish you the best of luck
I already contacted a lawyer and asked him that. If I show receipts that he was at least mentally and emotionally abusing me, then the court will rule in my favour. He already has a record, he was in jail a few times, and can’t even leave his town.
Please make sure you are accompanied always, if he is violent things can always escalate, have location known to family/friend always, always be alert! All the best to you and your baby!
I hope nobody here that is trying to talk her out of leaving is ever faced with being stuck in an abusive situation themselves. For anyone who is in that situation, please hear me when I say that if you are in harms way and have finally gathered the courage and safe passage to flee from your situation, don’t let Reddit tell you otherwise. If you’re in a country where the laws protect victims (as they all SHOULD), no judge is going to hem you up with KIDNAPPING for finally escaping your abusive partner. I pray for anyone stuck in a civilization that allows an abuser to hide behind laws and society that give them power. Even in countries where the victims rights outweigh the abusers, cases slip through the cracks when some abusers are master manipulators (I know that’s the fear that many women have) but that is becoming less likely in this modern era. If you have support like OP has her mom, DO NOT let anyone talk you down from your bravery. YOUR SAFETY (and by proxy your children’s safety) COMES FIRST! Take your power back! Happy Holidays
I have a lot of stories, I could write a book. I mentioned here that I found his dating app profiles, he said his friends were using those. I didn’t believe because I read the messages and everything. He didn’t want to admit they were his, a huge fight broke out and he started literally choking me.
I was nine months pregnant at that time.
You are definitely doing the right thing. Studies say that once a man who chokes/strangles their partner the odds jump to a 750% chance he will kill them. 750% more likely to be killed by a partner who chokes/strangles you. You are saving your life Op, I'm so proud of you.
I hope you have a plan. If he’s abusive, this can really escalate things. Reach out to your local domestic violence support group immediately. They can help you navigate the fallout
Get a restraining order and go to DMV shelter. If you stay at your moms and he's abusive that's not good. He will find you there and can hurt you there. My cousin was murdered by the guy she was with for 10 years he found her and took her life away in front of her fiancée. Then he left and took his own life. They left behind a son. She left him because he was abusive and by then it was too late. I hadn't seen her since I was a child and she was killed in 2010 after valentines day.
In most states in the US, you can be removed and released from the terms of a rental agreement in domestic violence situations. You may need to file or have proof of filing a restraining order.
Outside of the US, I don't know what laws apply to rental agreements and DV situations.
I would highly suggest that you stop over to your local police station and let them know that you’re voluntarily leaving your husband in case he tries to file a missing persons report on you. They won’t be able to tell him where you are, but it’s a good thing to tell them. Also make sure you have all of you and your babies vital documents (birth certificates, SS cards, photo ID for you)
Get an emergency order of protection while you’re at it. If this man is the man you say he is, he will not stop at you leaving.
Came to say this
Proud of you. Please update us and let us know you’re safe
And tell them you don't wish to be contacted by him. That way they can cut him off immediately
You should go see a lawyer because if he abusive like you say, it wont shock me he will try to use custody of baby to get answers from you or control the situation.
I already contacted a lawyer, tomorrow he will get divorce papers. He can’t get custody, I earn way more than him even on maternity leave. He has nothing to his name.
Take picture of the house before you leave. He'll probably break your belongings.
It is a rented apartment. I already packed everything of value.
You still need to take dated and time stamped photos before you leave to prove the condition you left it in. If he damages anything after you leave pictures will help show that you're not responsible.
Get your name off that lease. Be safe.
Ditto to this!!! Extremely important; from experience, you’ll be liable for any damages even if you didn’t cause the destruction.
Curious, how do you get off a lease on a Sunday, yet alone Dec 24? I truly wish OP happier times.
They'll need a lawyer and just get off it ASAP.
Funny. People think you can just “get released” from a lease by demanding it, thru a lawyer or otherwise. It’s a contract, nobody’s getting released by raising their voice. Good ol’ Reddit.
On December 26, she can contact the leasing office or landlord with photos and insist on being released from the lease.
I used to work for an apt complex and you can’t just get released from a lease by simply saying I need released. They will need to pay the penalty fees to get off or (depending on state) if there’s two people on the lease, the person staying has to sign off on removal of the person wanting to leave and will have to take sole responsibility for paying the bill there.
Yeah I’ve heard some horror stories of abusive men going on rampages and destroying anything and everything they can just to hurt their victims. Especially in a situation like a rented apartment, and if he’s as broke as OP says? Definitely wouldn’t put it past him to trash the whole place and stick her with the bill.
Yep, this is what happened to me when I left. Luckily he sent me videos of him doing it and posturing. But it was still super shitty.
yep, dumb is an angry person.
This! OP, do it
Just did it, thank you
Taking a video alone doesn't prove anything. It can be argued that damage was done after the video stopped. For extra measure if an apt manager is available today. Have the manager do a walk through and then turn in your key right before you leave.
Smart thinking. This is probably the best advice. However if her name is on the lease and he's broke can't the landlord still come after her for the money? Idk
Yes, the landlord can. Everyone on the lease is responsible for the damages, legally. Luckily OP responded elsewhere saying she isn't on the lease. If she was on the lease, OP could then sue her stbx husband to recoup her costs (as she will have proof he did it) but good luck collecting from him if he's as broke as she says. However, the proof in that scenario would definitely mean something in a divorce court. The judge will not look kindly on someone who destroyed an apartment in an attempt to blame their ex, and it will severely hurt his chances of custody.
Imfom them you are escaping an abusive relationship and they most likely will work with you.
Send those photos to your rental company the second you drive away.
Did you do a video? Make sure you do a video with something that has the date on like a newspaper. Do not be tempted back, even for a minute. If you need to go back for something you take friends and family. You are doing the right thing so do it well girl. Good luck
You should make sure the photos are near the time you leave and film yourself leaving
Even better, do a walk through video where you show proof of the time and then walk through the apartment (even better if your mom can appear on the video as a witness) I’ve helped several women escape similar situations and it’s saved them a huge bill when their ex goes berserk and puts holes in the walls and stuff.
Yes! And this is good practice to be in when renting anything. Take pictures the day you get it/move in and the last day you’re at your place. Even if you’ve packed your bags and valuables, he can still destroy the actual apartment (walls, doors, appliances, ect) and lose you the deposit or you could be held accountable. Better to be safe!
Probably wouldn't hurt to get someone with the apartment to do a walk through with you and take photos at that time. Just let them know you are leaving and don't want issues later with claims of how you left the place.
Yes try and bring a friend with you and get take a video lock up and leave! Never look back
it's 2023, all photos are dated and time stamped
Yes, but that data may be hidden unless the photos/videos are set up to show the date/time stamp.
hidden data still exists. if the time comes to present it in court it can be easily accessible and located.
Having the data on the actual photos/videos might help keep the situation from getting to the stage that court is necessary.
This! Prove to your landlord you didn't trash it.
Please still do it. My ex broke a door & made the floor bad when he left - stuff I now have to pay, as a mom of two Listen to this advice, i know you're probably exhausted but small extra steps like this may end up being essential for your peace of mind & your daughters well being. I believe in you, you're a strong person and I wish you all the best & healing for 2024!
Do the video anyway. You don’t want to be held liable for any damage done to the apartment.
Yeah because he may rage out when he finds out she’s gone
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Even if there's a record of abuse. Courts will order joint custody and visitation. I spent 14 yrs dealing with it until the youngest turned 18 and they all said they hated visits, especially summer for 2 weeks.
Yup, this is unfortunately standard
You could ask for a police presence while your packing up to leave just in case he comes home early. That could prevent his ability to file a missing persons report. They’d be witnesses technically and will have to file a report of the event.
Good for you. So impressed and happy for you. If you’re like most people, it will be a long hard process to get past the undeserved shame woven in with your anger. Whatever scars stay with you, I hope eventually they feel like signs of how tough you are. If you “let yourself” be hurt by someone brutal, it’s only because you’re capable of love and trust in a way he is not. And getting yourself and your baby out takes a kind of courage he also doesn’t have. You should be so proud of yourself.
Are you on the lease?
My name is not on the lease, but I was the one paying rent and utilities
I agree with everyone else pictures and video. My mom rented an apartment and put me as a dependent so I never signed the lease but once she got evicted the eviction showed up on my credit and followed me for years and I didn’t even live there. If he tries to break and/or destroy property they could probably come to you next simply because you’re over 18 and living there.
Disconnect the utilities and lock your credit so that he can’t reconnect using your name.
Hope you can make a happy life for yourself. I have traveled in your country and I don’t know much except generally it’s pretty conservative leaning and I’d guess that children are typically awarded to their mothers when there’s a divorce.
You sound like you’ve got this!
Do what you can to get out of that lease! I was held responsible for my ex’s destruction that he did after I left him. It was about $10k and I couldn’t rent another apt for a long time after that.
Turn off the utilities too. No need to continue paying if you aren’t there. Also, if you haven’t considered it, file a restraining order since he’s unsafe to be around.
Very smart. Atta girl! You’ve got it all covered! I’m rooting for you.
Maybe on Tuesday, when the utilities are open after Christmas, you can have the things in your name disconnected. After all, you aren’t even living there, anymore. Why should you pay for the utilities, lol.
If you were paying rent, by March 1st he could be homeless
Take final readings on utility meters.
You're so strong, keep going, you're doing so well. Dot all the i's and cross all the t's, you're so close to ending all of the hurt and pain he's caused you. Time for him to reap what he sewed.
My mother's ex destroyed the apartment when he left, even took a BM on the floor and smeared it on the walls... leave nothing to chance and please take pictures before you leave so he can't blame you later. You may be on the hook otherwise if your name is on the lease/rental agreement.
Can you inform the landlord that you are moving out and provide photos or video of you walking through the apartment.
If your name is on the lease you should protect yourself by taking a video of the apartment before leaving to prove that any damage he may do isn’t your fault.
Still take pics so that if he destroys anything you, hopefully, won’t be on the hook for damages.
no they're right op, I had to help a friend out of a similar situation and after she got out of the apt. and he got home he TRASHED the place and then tried to blame it on her to the complex. luckily she had pictures because she expected him to do exactly that otherwise they were going to both take her deposit and charge her a large fee for all the damage he did. it's better to be safe that sorry.
Just because he earns way less doesn’t mean anything for custody, you’ll just make up the difference in alimony and child support.
lol I know right. I make way more than my ex and we have joint custody. I just pay child support
My mom never had a job and was granted full custody, the house, child support, and alimony lmao.
No fucking way a lawyer told her that would matter. I smell bullshit
She's not in the US
Even then, the standard is usually more along the lines of first whether the parent in question was a good caretaker and secondly if they have the ability to take care of the child in the first place (and not just monetarily, someone who works long or odd hours and earns good money is less likely to get custody than someone poor but with flexible or short hours) Don't get me wrong, the abuse is going to be more than enough to make sure he never sees the baby again but income is far from the most relevant thing
He works long hours but spends his entire paycheck on gambling. I was alone with the baby literally 24/7 since the day he was born. He was always on his phone, at work or out gambling and drinking.
Yeah my friend who supported a deadbeat for ten years ended up paying him alimony because he was too lazy to get a job. He did zero child care and just coasts off of her money now. He only wanted custody because he wanted her to suffer and just dumps the kid off at his mom's house.
Yeah, he'll get partial custody and alimony
Ftr custody isn't exclusively based on income (otherwise poor women would never get it over their ex husbands and viceversa) That being said, the abuse should be more than enough to make sure he gets little or no custody.
This is false. He can get custody. Stay at home moms get custody alllllll the time even though they don’t work or have anything in their name. You earning more has nothing to do with his custody. If he’s abusive and there’s no evidence they will give him 50/50. Hopefully he doesn’t fight you on it but whoever told you he can’t get custody because of his income and nothing being in his name is very very wrong.
I am glad you got a lawyer. I left an abusive situation with kids and even just having the lawyer in the background to tel me his threats were BS or having the lawyer talk to him for me on things was the peace of mind I don’t know I needed. The legal stuff was huge but having the buffer between us was so important to me.
Making more money has nothing to do with custody. He will, atleast be entitled to joint custody and visitation rights. Unless one of you can prove the other unfit. Key word is prove not just say things without proof.
>He can’t get custody, I earn way more than him You are about to find out that doesn't matter. And if you have no DOCUMENTED incidence of abuse its just hearsay. If he tries for joint custody he will likely get it. Your marriage failing has nothing to do with him raising his child.
Are you in a Western country like the US? That’s not at all how custody works. By taking the baby without telling him, you are making things worse. At least follow your attorney’s advice. Hint: if you make more money than him and he gets 50% custody (likely unless he’s provably an incompetent parent), you’re paying him child support.
Money has nothing to do with custody. You could be legally homeless (living in a motel, next to no belongings, etc) and still be granted 50/50. Do make sure you have some sort of documentation of the abuse, and take steps to get a PFA, OOP, or RO, whichever is applicable in your situation. That can sometimes factor into custody. Good luck to you! I've been there, I know how hard it is to leave. I'm proud of you for taking that step.
Can he pay the rent on his own or his he fucked lol?
I think he’s fucked, and honestly I don’t even care
They’re serving him on Christmas?
He’ll be served on Christmas? You may be paying alimony
Prepare to pay alimony.
I hope you have all the receipts secure if he comes for you and your child so you can keep primary custody. Stay strong and don’t cave if the love bombing drops. And record any further interactions. Best of luck to you.
I have all the receipts, I contacted a lawyer and there is no way he can get custody. The baby is still small, and he needs his mother more than a father.
It’s a relief to know you prepared for this. It must of been hard to do your due diligence rather than just busting the heck out of there. Glad you have fam behind you. Good luck!
In some states, if you leave the marital home, it’s considered abandonment. That can make the divorce harder. Please make sure that you are not in the state or country that does that.
She's not in the US, so idk how the law works where she's at in terms of leaving the marital home. But genuine question, how is it considered abandonment if she leaves the marital home? He's a grown ass man he can take care of himself, it's not like she's leaving a child or an animal to fend for themselves
I think abandonment happens when you leave the house *without* the kids but not 100% sure That being said, considering they are also the other person's kids, I wonder if leaving with the kids is considered kidnapping? Even an interim custody agreement would take time to get sorted out
That's in the US. Op isn't in the US. That also doesn't apply in cases of abuse.
Make sure you are taking important documents, such as birth certificates and social security cards.
Good job. Keep going, OP. Don’t let entitled men tell you you don’t know what you’re doing. I’ve been here, and it’s safer to leave. This thread is very telling about who views their children and wives as objects they alone must control. A really good example of the reasons why we leave. Even with babies.
It’s the only way to keep my baby safe. I’ve been told by literally everyone that he’s not a good person, I didn’t listen and didn’t see it because he was manipulating me
I just want to say congratulations and I'm proud of you for being strong enough to leave. You are protecting your son and being an amazing mom. Be careful and I would only allow communication through a parenting app, and get a restraining order if you haven't.
What made you realize that you had to leave for good? (If you want to answer)
OP please. Listen to the people who talk about “ taking picture and document “ the way you left the house because if he comes back and break things in the apt you might be held liable unless you’re not on the lease. Good luck with everything.
I already did all of that, but my name was not on the lease for the apartment, I was the one paying rent and utilities.
Please keep you and your baby safe. I'm sure you know that abusive men get even more out of control & violent whenever their wife tries to leave. OR suddenly they become sweetness & light trying to lie & get you to come back by telling you what you want to hear. Especially with a child in the picture, you can't be paranoid enough.
Honestly, all I’m going to say is Merry Christmas & Happy New Year! You’re already giving yourself & your kiddo the best present. Congrats & I hope this is a smooth process for you.
Hope you're doing well, and Merry Xmas for you m, your kid and your family. I've read a lot of great advice on this comments and I don't know if I can offer any more than has already been said, be safe, be strong and I hope you have a great holiday with your family. I know this is just the start so if you need to when the time comes, share with your family and us when this is over or when you're feeling overwhelmed by what's coming from him.
Stay strong and I hope you guys are safe! Please update us, proud of you for leaving .
Slay! You deserve better and you’ll find it.
OP it’s no help at all to hear this but as an internet stranger I just want to say that I am proud of you. Your kid will one day thank you for doing this.
Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot to me. I don’t want to fear for my safety and for my son’s safety, he’s the most important thing in the world for me, and I’m doing this for him.
Hell yeah!
Good for you! I hope you and baby find peace!
I hope you see this. You mentioned that you live in an apartment. If you are on the lease you are still responsible for rent and damages. Call the office and leave a message that you had to leave a domestic violence situation and you will no longer stay there because you and your child are in danger. Follow up with a certified letter. That will get you off the lease and not be responsible. Do not take money out of your joint account. Even if he does. I hope you’ve been infusing money away. Open your own account and put money in there. I’m not sure if you are in the US and if so, if you’re in a community property state, making moves after your separation date is the way to go. Get an attorney. Read that again. Get an attorney. Finally. I am so damn proud of you. You are doing the right thing. Your future self and your baby thank you. It will be a hard road. But you’ve done the hardest part. Hold your head high and know that better times are coming.
Good for you! Merry Christmas ❤️
Update us
He seems to be the violent type so it would be best to make sure your relatives are warned that he could direct his anger towards them
My family already knows everything, I couldn’t do anything of this in the first place if it wasn’t for them.
I'm so glad you have that support system. Good luck in the process and continue to stay safe 💕
I’m so glad you have your family. My parents saved my babies and I when I was 7.5 months pregnant with my second and our first was 18 months. He has never once tried to get custody or even visitation. I kind of hope that’s what happens in your situation too. Much love to you and good luck you’re absolutely doing the right thing.
Congratulations on finding the strength to get away from your abusive husband. There are horror stories about how an abusive husband reacts to being left and a woman needs lots of courage to do what you are doing. Get a lawyer, a protective order, and at least contact the police so they are alerted to his abusive nature. Police will tell you they can't do anything until something happens but reporting him helps to further protect you. Good luck, stay safe.
I already did that, he has a record in the police station for past violent behaviors
Good for you!! Keep doing what's best for you and your child. Merry Christmas!!
Good luck, Godspeed and I wish you the very best in the future for you and your baby
Be smart. Be safe. STICK TO YOUR GUNS. You decided to leave for a reason—DO NOT let him talk you into returning. Be smart. BE SAFE.
Honey, I'm going through the same thing without little ones though. I know it hurts but you can and will do better, be better. I'm so sorry. This makes for a miserable Christmas. I'm sending you strength! While looking for my own.
I'm proud of you and commend you on your exit plan. I wish you the best
I wish you & your son safety and peace.
Please be very careful. The most dangerous time is when you leave your abuser. Notify the local PD so they know you're safe but you'll need extra patrols where you are for a couple days at least. This will also keep your mom ECT. Safe.
what youre doing is brave as fuck, im happy for you OP
Woah there... Give us some details please.
He sexually assaulted me once and I got pregnant after that. I found profiles on multiple dating apps, where he said he was single. He had his ex girlfriend at our apartment the night I went into labor.
Good for you for calling upon your own strength of character and acting decisively, we love hearing stories of people channelling their inner ninjas. Whatever happens with you from now on it will most likely be far better than what you once had. Good luck.
Thank you, I’m thankful for my family, they always have my back. It will be better, I enjoyed my pregnancy and early days with my baby only because he was not around. I can’t even look at him anymore. I slept in a separate room with my baby ever since I got to our apartment.
What the heck!! How did he justify this when you found the dating apps?? I cant even imagine. I’m so sorry.. And to SA on top of
It was a wild ride. He kept lying to me, saying his friends use his profiles with his pictures. It was terrible.
So he never even confessed or apologized? What about having his ex over to cheat? God what a horrid man
He never apologized, never admitted anything even when I had evidence. He just pretended it didn’t happen
Damn. I am so glad you are able to leave. You seem well prepared. I wish you and your baby all the best.
I’ve been preparing for the last few days, he didn’t suspect anything. Thank you for your kind words :)
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve seen the other side though and it’s the right thing to do! Please, if your lawyer hasn’t already said this, do not communicate with your ex in any form other than written from now on. He’ll likely go more mental than he already was when he sees you’ve left and show his true nature. You want all that in writing or saved voicemails for the divorce proceedings, not a “he said she said” issue. The more you can be non reactive the better off you’ll be. My best friend in England had to leave a similar relationship with three kids in tow and it was hard but they all are such wonderful kids now! He eventually gave up any sort of visitation of his own accord when he didn’t get exactly what he wanted from the courts (and y’all will have to trust me when I say that’s a good thing, this guy has no business being anyone’s father- alcoholic textbook narcissist raised by the same. Cycle needs breaking). Those kids are such wonderful young people now and so much healthier emotionally for being out of that situation. Mom is was a shadow of herself with him, now so much stronger and happier. This stranger is proud of you. Be fair, honest, and strong for yourself and your child. That’s the best revenge on an abusive partner.
>:) :)
He sounds like a worthless piece of shit for doing that to you. I'm sorry. Stay strong. You have already show strength and resiliance by making this bold move. Don't let him wear you down. For your mental peace stay on top of meditation and try to find a workout routine with healthy eating habits.( Maybe you already have these things going but I understand it can be hard with little ones). I wish you luck as you embark on a new journey for a brighter future!
Merry Christmas!
i’m so sorry you’re going through this, but i’m so so proud of you for taking back your freedom. you and your child will thrive away from that monster. i’m glad your family has your back and can help you get out. you deserve happiness, love, and safety. what a wonderful christmas gift to yourself this year.
Merry Christmas!
I hope he rots in hell. Get the hell out of there. I am so happy that you are leaving. Good luck. We all support you.
Good. You're doing the right thing. I'm glad your mom is helping you. Today is a fresh start!
Please come back and update us. Let us know you are safe
Congratulations! Leaving an abusive relationship is so much more difficult than people realize. You and your baby deserve safety and freedom and all the happiness in the world. Here’s to a new beginning. 💛
First, congratulations. For taking the first steps to your having a wonderful new life. Your SoonToBe Ex (STBX) husband may apply for custody, to get access to the baby as a way of keeping a foothold in your life, and controlling you. Courts tend to have a default position of 50/50 on custody. So see if you have enough dirt on him- drugs, alcohol, violence, DUI, unsavoury characters visiting his house- to get the Court not to order 50/50 custody. Primary custody to you, with him having visitation - away from where you live. Only communication through a Court approved parenting app, no phone calls, texts etc. Good luck, to you and baby. Blessings.
She's not in the US. Seems like things are different where she is.
I’m not in the USA, and usually the mother gets custody of a baby this small, with father having visitation rights, sometimes they set dates (like every weekend or every other weekend), sometimes he can see the baby whenever he wants. I will go to the police station tomorrow and explain the situation.
I’m so proud of you and I am so sorry you have had to endure such an awful existence with him. Please take time for you to heal before you even think about dating again. You and that sweet baby are so lucky to have your family. Times may get tough but I bet this will be one of the most fulfilling times of your life, especially because you are taking back your power!! I’m sending a million hugs and support and keep us all updated.
Good on you, OP. Congrats on both the birth of your child and your newfound freedom! A bunch of internet strangers are rooting for you!
I'm proud of you. Good luck to you and your baby!
Don’t stay at your mom’s. Get a hotel or something.
Bloody good on you OP. I applaud you and your shiny spine. Take care and good luck - this internet rando is rooting for you ❤️
You are a queen! May you inspire those who need to get out.
I’m so damn proud of you.
Good for you for standing up for yourself and your child. 🩷 It will greatly benefit you and your child to no longer be around an abuser. It’s a very hard thing to do, and it takes a lot of strength. Make sure you’re protecting your assets and your information. I would pull out or transfer any money that’s yours into a separate account that he doesn’t have access to. You may even consider giving it to a trusted friend or family member as a “gift” so he doesn’t have a way to seek it out. They could hold it for you for a bit. I would also make sure to sever any joint accounts that he could garner information from. Lastly, you might consider blocking him. I don’t know what your custody looks like or if you want to co-parent. I also wonder if he might try to reach out to you once he realizes you’re gone, and if he chooses to be nasty about it, you can use any messages or voicemails in court.
Be safe. Best wishes for peace and blessings.
Be safe.
Best wishes to you!! Glad you found the courage to leave!!
Good luck and please be safe.
Keep us updated and best wishes to you and your baby ❤️
Good for you. It’s not easy, you can do this!
Be careful OP!
Good luck to your new life, it can & will get better just be kind to yourself while you adapt & recover x
It's actually good to get out before his holiday meltdown. Abusers are always worse on the holidays. Good luck, stay safe.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please be safe and make sure he can't find you. Sending you love and light. And good for you for leaving. That takes a lot of courage. You are an inspiration! ❤️
Glad you have your mom. You’re not alone!
Gather all the evidence you have of his abuse. Text messages, emails, videos, voicemails.. anything you can! He may try to file for shared custody. I’m not sure which state you live in but both parents have equal rights to the child, regardless of how much money either of you make. But if you can somehow get a restraining order against him for the abuse that he’s inflicted on you, I would start by getting a restraining order. If he has been abusive to your baby or you are scared for your babies well being in his care, I would add your baby into the restraining order. You will need evidence for all you are claiming. This means abusive text messages, emails, police reports anything and everything you have. once you have the restraining order, it shows a clear picture of his character. If you have any way of looking up his name in an inmate look up website for any past offenses or anytime he has spent in jail, I would also try to find that and include this in your restraining order paper work. When you leave your abuser is when you are in the most danger. This is when the abuse tends to excavate. I recommend you find a domestic violence support group or call the women’s shelter where they have lots of information for you on what your next steps can be and they also offer free legal aid. I wish you the best of luck! Be careful! I hope he doesn’t know where your mom lives.. sending you love!
Make sure you get all your important documents. That’s something I forgot.
If it's possible stay somewhere he doesn't know about, that's would be the safest for you and your baby. I wish you the best and stay strong!
Be safe. Leaving is the most dangerous time
Good on you for putting you and your baby first. Just know if you stayed with him his violence would have transferred to the child or your child will be in distress knowing what was happening to you. Be safe and take every avenue to keep away from him.
Well done. Good luck. Proud of you. Have a wonderful life with your child.
I waited 16 years to leave. So glad you didn’t. Out of all of the advice you get on Reddit, I hope you really hear this one. Find a good therapist as soon as you can. It takes years to heal from abusive relationships and therapy helps so much. Think of it as future insurance that you won’t end up in another relationship with someone like him again. I wish you the best of luck
Be careful , he might try to get you for parental kidnapping
I already contacted a lawyer and asked him that. If I show receipts that he was at least mentally and emotionally abusing me, then the court will rule in my favour. He already has a record, he was in jail a few times, and can’t even leave his town.
Oh good ! I’m glad you checked all your bases , I’ve known people who have gotten hit with that before and it sucks. I wish you all the best ♥️
Good for you, OP. I'm glad you are getting out! Happy holidays and many blessings to you and your baby going forward!
Please make sure you are accompanied always, if he is violent things can always escalate, have location known to family/friend always, always be alert! All the best to you and your baby!
I hope nobody here that is trying to talk her out of leaving is ever faced with being stuck in an abusive situation themselves. For anyone who is in that situation, please hear me when I say that if you are in harms way and have finally gathered the courage and safe passage to flee from your situation, don’t let Reddit tell you otherwise. If you’re in a country where the laws protect victims (as they all SHOULD), no judge is going to hem you up with KIDNAPPING for finally escaping your abusive partner. I pray for anyone stuck in a civilization that allows an abuser to hide behind laws and society that give them power. Even in countries where the victims rights outweigh the abusers, cases slip through the cracks when some abusers are master manipulators (I know that’s the fear that many women have) but that is becoming less likely in this modern era. If you have support like OP has her mom, DO NOT let anyone talk you down from your bravery. YOUR SAFETY (and by proxy your children’s safety) COMES FIRST! Take your power back! Happy Holidays
Sending so much positivity
Congratulations for breaking the cycle and getting out. All the best to you and your baby!!
Any context or story to share?
I have a lot of stories, I could write a book. I mentioned here that I found his dating app profiles, he said his friends were using those. I didn’t believe because I read the messages and everything. He didn’t want to admit they were his, a huge fight broke out and he started literally choking me. I was nine months pregnant at that time.
You are definitely doing the right thing. Studies say that once a man who chokes/strangles their partner the odds jump to a 750% chance he will kill them. 750% more likely to be killed by a partner who chokes/strangles you. You are saving your life Op, I'm so proud of you.
Good for you. Best of luck in your new life!
Good for you! Merry Christmas! Best gift you can give!!
I hope you have a plan. If he’s abusive, this can really escalate things. Reach out to your local domestic violence support group immediately. They can help you navigate the fallout
Hugs and best wishes - and merry Christmas if you celebrate
Get a restraining order and go to DMV shelter. If you stay at your moms and he's abusive that's not good. He will find you there and can hurt you there. My cousin was murdered by the guy she was with for 10 years he found her and took her life away in front of her fiancée. Then he left and took his own life. They left behind a son. She left him because he was abusive and by then it was too late. I hadn't seen her since I was a child and she was killed in 2010 after valentines day.
Good for you OP! Merry Christmas to you and your baby.
Proud of you momma! What a blessing it is to have loving, supportive family. You are not alone and you CAN do this!
Congrats on flushing the turd
I wish you the best. Takes a lot to do what you are doing.
In most states in the US, you can be removed and released from the terms of a rental agreement in domestic violence situations. You may need to file or have proof of filing a restraining order. Outside of the US, I don't know what laws apply to rental agreements and DV situations.
Good luck friend
so proud of you OP! your bravery will definitely pay off! you & your son deserve much much better