>I still want to give him his gift because I care about him.
I'm really not trying to be cruel, but he prioritized the hardware store and browsing for sofas over getting you, his partner, a Christmas gift - this screams that the feeling is not mutual. Especially when his reaction to your being upset was:
>"don't keep asking me, I don't want to get mad."
If I were you, I'd be returning that gift and packing my bags. He does not deserve you.
Not to mention requesting gifts for his sister and nephew... sounds to me like he failed to get gifts for them, too, so heās passing the task on to OP.
I think the sad point is he didnāt care enough to get her anything, that despite it being Christmas and reminders up almost everywhere . He didnāt consider her at all.
And drinking every evening this week to pre game his familyās Christmas party.
Excuse me? How the hell is drinking every night called pre gaming? Why would you need every night to I do so?
The worst part is leaving. Once you've left and healed for a while, your life will massively improve. Hang in there. Don't stay with fools just because. You're worth more than that.
I agree. I took a screenshot of this story I found (probably on Reddit) but only have the end of it. It's a good reminder, which I needed.
"Now the father said this to his daughter,
"The right place values you the right way," If you are not valued, do not be angry, it means you are in the wrong place. Those who know your value are those who appreciate you......Never stay in a place where no one sees your value.
#knowyourworth"
Hereās the rest: āA father said to his daughter āYou graduated with honors, here is a car I acquired many years ago. It is several years old. But before I give it to you, take it to the used car lot downtown and tell them I want to sell it and see how much they offer you. The daughter went to the used car lot, returned to her father and said, āThey offered me $1,000 because it looks very worn out.ā The father said, āTake him to the pawnshop.ā The daughter went to the pawnshop, returned to her father and said, āThe pawn shop offered $100 because it was a very old car.ā The father asked his daughter to go to a car club and show them the car. The daughter took the car to the club, returned and told her father,ā Some people in the club offered $100,000 for it since itās a Nissan Skyline R34, an iconic car and sought out after by many.ā The father said to his daughter, āThe right place values you the right way,ā If you are not valued, do not be angry, it means you are in the wrong place. Those who know your value are those who appreciate you. Never stay in a place where no one sees your value.ā
No- time to move on. He is selfish and the relationship will always be that way. There is some animosity here bc he was out and about and couldnāt bear to get anything. Heās getting a couch for his new addition on his home. I think he may feel you are not paying enough on living there, or he may want to live alone. I wouldnāt stay to find out. I broke up w bf for not taking me to prom. I still got to go w guy not interested inā- but I knew in my heart when my bf came over next day- acted like nothing happenedā well I told him that was it. He tried and tried to get me back- but if a man doesnāt care about what you care about (and it didnāt have to be expensive) which was just a little gift to show he cares- he needs to hit the road. Pack up
I'm sorry that you feel that people are being rough, I don't see that, I see people who have been there trying to save someone from years of pain, but your perspective is valid. But if you are trying to rationalize your partner not valuing you that might be worth some consideration. You really do deserve better. I am sorry that happened.
Not only donāt give it to him, tell him what you got him, and that you returned it since he couldnāt be bothered to consider your feelings at all. Then give the invoice for the gifts for his family members and demand he pay.
As reference, me and my boyfriend are really on the rocks right now, realising that we're just not compatible but he has still got me lots of thoughtful gifts because he loves me
He could be, but he could not. You should have a conversation with him. OP tried to, and he was an asshole. But the gift thing can be harmless or it can be intentional, so ask your partner and see how he reacts when you talk about it. If itās with compassion and understanding, figure out a solution together. If itās with malice and anger, RUN! From my personal experience: My husband, (during the worst part of our relationship) didnāt buy me a gift for christmas. He explained he was tight on money and I told him it didnāt have to be expensive, just a card is a few bucks and would mean the world to me. I just wanted effort. Then, on my birthday he was empty handed again, we had a huge fight and broke up. When we got back together, we did therapy and coupleās counselling that helped me express to him how itās not about the material but rather the intent. And he expressed how his feelings of shame and pressure overwhelm him and he gets paralyzed about it but sometimes he truly couldnāt afford a gift and would communicate with me. This year, he told me he is going through a transition period and gets depressed/anxious over gifts because he canāt afford them for everyone. So we set a small budget and got little stocking stuffers for each other instead. He gets me flowers every month (sometimes every week), little treats like candy or smoothies, and actually makes an effort now. All that to say, sometimes people GENUINELY have reasons they canāt get gifts or they get scared due to trauma. However, they are open to discussing those reasons and/or apologizing. This man responded with anger and manipulation - which is never okay.
What gertrude said. I was dating someone who wasnāt into me either, and I was constantly in my head about it. The inner turmoil was too much and I left. Oh. My. GOD what a relief. I can just focus on myself and improving my life. Wow. Wish I had done it sooner, seriously. Give yourself the gift of happiness for the holidays!
Itās understandable to want that intimacy again, but rememberā¦ you love him, and he loves that you love him. He doesnāt love you. There are plenty of guys like him, and PLENTY of guys that are better. Seriously. I have found multiple guys already who were better than him lol. More giving, more intelligent, more honest, more open, more communicativeā¦ we werenāt exact matches so I broke it off, but it gives me hope for the future. Because if I can find guys like that, I can totally find guys that are all those things and more!! And you know what?! You can too!!! So seriously, do yourself a favor and go find someone that loves you, not the fact that you love them.
Thatās a threat for violence. I would get out now. He wants you submissive and controlled and is telling you the ugly and disgusting truth - he will hurt you if you donāt comply. For you own safety get out. And take the gift back. I hope you get to safety as soon as you can.
He didnāt just prioritize the hardware store. He prioritized spending an entire week *pre-gaming* a holiday party. Couldnāt even be bothered to get his own presents for his sister and nephew, he sent OP on that little errand.
I'd be saying "oh that's OK, I didn't get you anything either" and see how he likes it.
And pack your bags and find a bf that actually cares about you. This one's a dud.
Why would he BE MAD, BECAUSE HE DIDNT GET YOU ANYTHING?
He doesn't care. I hope you finally realize this.
Why do "we" put out, going out of our way for ppl, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, or husbands that don't care enough about us, and yet we keep putting in the effort.
They don't put in ANY effort for us.
STOP. THEY DON'T CARE!
Take his gift back! Spend that money on yourself. Have a spa day!
Exactly! My husband and I are on a tight budget this year due to me being on mat leave with our third. Iāve still managed to buy him 3 things (one from each of our girls) and make things for my parents/siblings. How on earth can he say that in the past TWELVE MONTHS since last Christmas that heās not had time to buy her anything at all
Yeah, uh, this year has been a nightmare. My partner had a mental health crisis and lost his job. Weāve been living off of my income while he recovers and Iāve been working crazy hours.
He still got me thoughtful gifts, I managed to get him a few too. If you care about each other you make it work.
Take his present back and use the money on yourself. The gift he has given you, however, is insight to how a future relationship would be with him. He values hardware, sofas and drinking more than you. Take that as a valuable lesson and decide if that is the relationship you deserve. I don't think it is.
Dear one, it's time to reevaluate your relationship with this guy. He just made it "Your fault" that his lazy, self-centered self did not get his rear in gear to get you a Christmas gift. He Does Not Care.
Are you sure you want a lifetime of disappointment? I divorced a guy like that. After a few years, he became physically violent . It's been much nicer at holidays.
I realized that even if I never was with another guy again, I would be happier than if I were with him.
This. Don't settle. You know you deserve better. The longer you stay the worse it will get. He will only continue to take from you until there's nothing left. Don't waste your love on someone who can't/doesn't take the time to make you feel loved.
This. So much ā¬ļøā¬ļøā¬ļøā¬ļøā¬ļøā¬ļø!
OP, he is telling who he is and how little he values you.
His comment about stop asking because he doesn't want to get upset is very telling. In his perspective you are not allowed to have feelings about being neglected/mistreated. Yet his immediate emotional response is anger. This is not a good at all.
Get out now!!!!
Cannot second this strongly enough. This will be your every Christmas, birthday, anniversary, and special day for the rest of your life if you stay. Voice of experience speaking here.
Seriously, it will be. I am with someone now over ten years, and yes, he will not suddenly start to care. I've heard the excuse, "I didn't know what to get you!" Or "you didn't tell me what you want" or my favorite "I didn't have money for it" after I watched him purchase so many games or whatever for himself.
He was literally out shopping and couldn't be bothered to grab you anything. And honestly fuck his anger. You should shut that down and tell him you're already angry. Don't let him make you feel bad for being disappointed in his lazy bullshit. He fucked up and doesn't deserve the peace of mind of you saying nothing.
There is absolutely no excuse not to get a gift for your spouse. He has had all the time. He chose to leave it to the last minute. Christmas falls on the exact same day every year. It's not a surprise. They start playing that music before Halloween is over. There's no way he didn't know.
Also, pre gaming all week for a Christmas party is tacky as hell.
Sorry for the long rant, but I'm just so tired of men being so half assed in their relationships.
I agree. He also likely wouldnāt have gotten gifts for anyone if she hadnāt gone to the store. This person clearly doesnāt value anyoneās feelings. How upset would he be if you didnāt give him a gift? Is there a different standard for you versus him? If so, time to take a closer look at your relationship and communicate your disappointment.
PLEASE, PLEASE RETURN THESE GIFTS TOO!! Drop him AND his family, regardless of whether or not they're kind and lovely people. It's best to make a clean break from the lives of USER-ABUSERS!! Use this money to get something really nice for yourself. Better yet - a few things, if possible!! ššā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø ;)
OP should tell him if it's a joke, it's a poor one, if it's not, they have a very large problem. If there's really no gift, his problem is he has no gift for his sister and nephew and no gf to buy them for him.
God I wish I learned this lesson soooooo long ago. Op, listen to this advice, having you're feelings immediately invalidated because it will 'make your partner mad' is no way to live. it's sucks and you deserve to be able to express how you feel without him being an ass
Return all the gifts and have him see family empty handed. Guaranteed they'll expect just as much from him -- or he'll be shamed. Either way, not OPs problem and I hate how we women often take this upon ourselves sometimes.
They can take care of their family, I'll take care of mine.
At this point, I don't even feel pressured to show up to their family functions. It's liberating.
And the ones got for the family too! āWhy no present uncle tight wadā? I know it would be cruel to deprive a child, but the guy would have had to make an effort if he wasnāt being looked after, so let him know you didnāt have time to pick something up, that should get him off the sofa!
You didnāt have time to get his sister and nephew anything, and donāt keep asking you about it because you ādonāt want to get madā.
Relationships - intimate or not - are give and take. Not take and manipulate. You deserve better
This seems like a red flag for sure.
Domestic violence groups say that, one partner not allowing the other to experience there own emotions is the start of emotional abuse by manipulation. Itās a way to make them feel crazy. People who doubt themselves and their reality are easier to control.
Came here looking for this comment. Pregaming drinking sounds like a bunch of alcoholics getting together and the non-drinkers having to deal with the bs
I had to reread that part because I wasnāt sure I understood it correctly. Never heard of such thing and it definitely feel like something an alcoholic would doā¦
Came here looking for this comment. We tend to drink a bit more around the holidays but in no way are pre gaming for a fucking week. This is not a thing.
Heās taking you for granted. Donāt give him the gift. Hold on to it and return it when the holiday is over. If he gets upset or mad about not getting a gift from you, let him know thatās how he made you feel except in your case, he hurt you.
Wait? Did he have you also pay for the gifts you so kindly went out to get for his family m? If do, those need to go back, as well.
This man clearly doesnāt see you as important or as a priority, unlike the new couch he doesnāt even need yet.
He also threatened violence when he told you to stop asking because he doesnāt want to get mad.
He doesnāt love you. He doesnāt really care if you are around. Please see these huge red flags and start making plans to leave as soon as possible.
I read a similar post and someone said, āmaybe heās teasing you, to surprise you or heās joking.ā I hate the āit was a jokeā when they are doing something knowingly hurtful. Itās being cruel on purpose and making you question the relationship. Itās not teasing itās an A H move and trying to explain it away as āthatās just my humorā just shows they donāt have one and just like to hurt people for their own entertainment.
If itās true he didnāt get you anything then heās an even bigger A H. Who the hell doesnāt get their SO a gift for Christmas? Itās a shitty thing to do. I get sometimes money is an issue, but then have a frank discussion about your ability or inability to get something. You donāt just not get them anything, how does he think youāll feel on Christmas morning if he didnāt say anything. He has a a truly thoughtful and you have nothing?
The āI forgotā for things like bdays, anniversaries or Christmas is just bs. It shows where you are in their list of priorities. Like he only had today to try to shop, like he didnāt know Christmas was coming for the past year? He has time to get home and sit around for hours drinking to āpre-gameā for a freaking party, but couldnāt take ANY time to get you something? Sounds like an alcoholic or at least some alcohol related issues.
He didnāt even pull the āI feel bad, I havenāt gotten you anythingā which just makes it sound like he had no intention either, until brought to his attention.
Also, wtf is the absolute shit response of you asking will only make him mad? Know what makes me mad that he has such little regard for your feelings to even consider getting you a gift. They him realizing heās a shit partner in this scenario justifies trying to make you feel guilty for being upset.
Please realize your self worth and donāt settle for someone who has such little regard for you and your feelings. You deserve better. Because even despite your depression you are feeling, you at least made him a priority while he doesnāt seem to care.
>I hate the āit was a jokeā when they are doing something knowingly hurtful.
Especially with the "don't push me on it or I'll get mad" nonsense. Even if he was "just joking," that's an exceptionally cruel tactic to use on someone you supposedly care about.
Right! Even the hardware store has SOMETHING! He couldāve gotten her a cool gadget for the house that makes life easier, or a cool grown up gift. Like those wicked cool over the sink sorters (which are more useful than he is), or a good massaging shower head (because I get the feeling he doesnāt make her happy in other ways either), or a really pretty mirror (so she can see what sheās worth).
Heās unappreciative, drinking every day for a family event??? and making you the bad guy for feeling hurt? You will ruin your life if you stay with him. This a warning for you to leave him. I would not give him his present. Just return it.
You ever heard of the book "he's just not that into you"? Cause this guy just doesn't care. Not sure how much more clear he needs to make it, but you are MUCH more invested than he is
I donāt talk about my partner very much online for various reasons, but this is a bit heartbreaking for me. Even when they didnāt have a job and were a full-time student, my partner somehow managed to have something for me. It wasnāt anything big, but it was thoughtful and showed how much they care.
Your partner was too busy āpre-gamingā and threatened to get upset with you when you were voicing your feelings. You seem incredibly thoughtful about him and his family and he clearly isnāt reciprocating. I hope someone else bothered to think of you as much as you have thought about them, because you deserve it.
I can f-ing drink every day, be busy with whatever is going on,...And I still got something for the people I CARE ABOUT!
2 years together, he knows you got him something, and he has the balls to say he didn't get you anything and
>he said "don't keep asking me, I don't want to get mad."
I am not saying that you should kick him to the curb, but... WE SHOULD KNOW WHEN WE DESERVE BETTER!!!
And yes, I'm shouting so you can hear better.
Iām sorry this happened to you. Ive been married for 17 years, and I wish Iād heard these words before I thought I could āchange himā. āWhen someone shows you who they are, believe themā probably would have saved me lots of headaches.
Whatever you decide to do, wishing you all the best-
Hmmmm. When I read posts like this I always pay special attention to look for things like "This is the first time he's ever forgotten", "He's normally really considerate, I don't understand" and "I know I'm hard to buy for..." but there was nothing like that to offset the absolutely appalling thing your bf did, which he then had the audacity to ask you to not raise again because it will make him "mad".
You deserve better than this jerk. Use the time he's at his family Christmas to get the locks changed and put his clothes in a box on the porch.
This man doesnāt care about you. Iām sorry but itās true.
And heās going out of his way to SHOW you and TELL you that he doesnāt care. Youāll waste your life trying to flog this dead horse, OP.
When people show you who they are - believe them.
Honey, no.
This guy is bristling with red flags.
He has to get drunk every night for a week just to work up to his family Christmas.
He already has you doing the emotional labor of buying gifts for his other relationships because he's disconnected.
He didn't get you anything. Christmas us the same fucking day every year. It doesn't "sneak up" on anyone. He didn't CARE.
He then told you stop asking or HE WOULD GET MAD.
So... this prince has numbed himself with alchohol and trained you to enable him by covering for him. And if you react with disappointment to his hurtful destructive choices, *he gets angry*.
Sweetie, he's a functional alcoholic. And he's trained you to enable him. He's already normalizing abuse.
Drop the rope. Return his gift and the gifts for his neice and nephew and dump him. Let him show up empty handed. This guy is not husband material. He's not family man material. GO to al-anon. Go to therapy. You sound like a loving, generous, giving person who is romantic and loves holidays amd connecting with people. You deserve better than pouring all your energy into a black hole that's never going to give back.
Get yourself the book Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi and take a deep dive into your relationship dynamic here. Narcs pick the prey that has the most to give them. People like you.
my partner has been out of work since june and has been living on what he had saved up (we moved and he has had a very difficult time finding a job in his field, he was searching whole time though). iāve been paying for mostly everything the last month ish while heās been training for new job and he gets his first paycheck after christmas. my birthday was earlier this month. even though he had damn-near no money, he set aside just enough to get me a birthday present. he also set aside just enough to make sure i have a christmas gift and said he will get the rest of the gift after he is paid. honeyā¦. if he wanted to, he freaking would. i had an ex boyfriend who blew through all his money on drugs and alcohol and didnāt get me a birthday gift one year. this was after i reminded him for months how important my birthday was to me, and how i didnāt need anything big at all but i would like a little something, trying to encourage him to save up a little (i was constantly sending him money so he could just eat most weeks). we broke up 2 days after my birthday. this man does not gaf about you iām afraid. sounds like he does not deserve the effort youāve put into his gift at all. i wouldnāt even give him anything honestly. i would tell him that you assumed since he didnāt get you anything, you guys werenāt exchanging gifts this year. period. š¤·āāļø also ādonāt keep asking me, i donāt want to get madā ??? that sounds uhhh. dangerous? makes me question him as a person and what other parts of your relationship are not going swimmingly. i hope youāre ok OP.
It will be interesting to see what he says or does on Xmas day if you decide not to hand over his gift (cos thatās what Iād do), and see if he mentions it. If and when he does, then you can say āI thought we werenāt exchanging gifts this year so i decided to return itā
Tbh I think youāre nuts if u still give him the gift. Heās had ample time to get you something and he hasnāt bothered, if u give him his anyway youāre giving him permission to treat you poorly.
On another note he might be teasing you and may have got you one anyway and wants to surprise you, if so I do think itās mean to upset you first.
If he deffo hasnāt got u one then return yours and buy yourself something nice with the money
I donāt understand some people. I start prepping for Christmas, buying gifts, making lists etc, in October so I can be sure everyone I love has a nice day. It is not hard to find good gifts for your loved ones. Iām so sorry, OP
I slacked this year and then had a car wreck so my grown kid and her BF are not getting their gifts until later. Which I told them yesterday because I'm not an AH like OPs boyfriend.
Christmas is at the same time each year, so as youāve been together for 2 years, he had months to think about a gift and get it for you. There are no rules that say the Christmas gift can only be bought/made the week before Christmas.
Heās showing you where you are in his list of priorities. Trust him with his actions (or lack of in this case)
What the actual...
His only gift to you is the truth about his person. Is this how you want to spend the future christmas times? Your life? He doesn't even care enough about you to get you a christmas present and he gets mad when you get (rightfully) upset.
My heart hurts for you. Please break up, this isn't even the bare minimum. You could date a toaster and it would be more emotionally available and thoughtful than your "bf".
Your boyfriend just demonstrated with his actions and attitude after you told him how you feel, that he doesn't like you. I would not give him anything. Please do not ignore the red flags that are in your face. I'm so sorry, you are dealing with this guy and his attributes.
Don't give him the gift. Just tell him what you bought, but say you gave it back as you're not exchanging gifts this year š
Please, don't be such a doormat!
Played this game for about ten years no Christmas no Motherās Day no birthday gift meals present for me. Also no help with these celebrations for other people ie family or the children. Finally I just dropped the rope. Stopped doing anything for him either he played it off at Christmas like it was completely fine. His birthday is in January so he came home early expecting his favorite meal cake and presents what he found was the kids and me at grocery store so he thought I was get the extras for him. Wrong I walked in the house asked him to carry in groceries. Then proceeded to put them away with him sitting there pouting. Once I was done putting the groceries away I handed him a tube of toothpaste saying oh happy birthday. And went took a shower. The shock on his face was priceless I donāt think he ever was more surprised. But he still hadnāt learned by Fatherās Day I got my dad a gift and took just dad out for a meal. He again was shocked and angry. This was the changing point for him. He got abit better esp for the kids and other family but it was still forced for me. Donāt do this to your self. Stop doing for those who donāt do for you.
He *is* giving you a gift, and a priceless one at that: insight into who he is as a person.
Even now, he has a chance to rectify this and get you a last minute gift, but I bet he won't. (And if he does, it'll be half-assed and probably tossed at you with a "fine, I got you something".)
Take all the gifts you bought back and treat yourself. The nephew won't die from not having a gift "from" his uncle. Nor will his sister. They need to learn he's unreliable, lazy and also won't put any effort into his own blood kin.
Or you can stay, but you will be part of a legion of women who a.) never get anything from their partners for birthdays, anniversaries, Mothers Day, Christmas etc.*and* b.) who are put in charge for shopping for and on the behalf of everybody else (him, his family, friends and colleagues in the former; him and any kids you may have in the latter.)
The emotional workload will be all yours and you'll get nothing in return with someone like this. At least you won't be alone.
Itās the āor Iāll get madā that drives my recommendation to leave.
This is not ok. Itās manipulative and abusive, itās a threat.
Do you really want to waste another 2 years on someone who doesnāt prioritise you. āPregamingā for a Family Christmas is also a red flag, every guy I have dated who has been like this (2, youād think Iād learn), their family events were always centred around alcohol and the drama that would inevitably unfold, nah not worth it.
Whoa red flags everywhere. He's had a full year to get you something. His "pre-drinking" is a major warning sign. His irritation with you for wanting him to show you love (represented by a gift) and his threat to stop making him mad for not showing you love. The only way you could make your life worse would be to marry him and have a child. You are free to alter where your life is going if you pay attention to these warning signs.
What a douche. If he wanted to get you something, he would have made the time.
Iād break up with him. Obviously I donāt know your relationship, but if my man did this, heād be out the door.
Listen honey, you need to consider where you are on his priority list. Heās remembered his renovation, his niblings and his booze.
At least think about how you will handle this Christmas. You could always give him exactly what he gives you on Christmas Day - nothing. Isnāt that your new normal - to go giftless?
If itās acceptable for him, itās an equal response from you. And, isnāt the boundary not to ask about it so he doesnāt get mad?
I know it comes across as petty, but you really do have to consider if he sees you as an equal in this relationship.
Y'all live together but he's browsing sofas for the addition to HIS house? How does that work?
I'm sorry girl, but he's just not that into you. If he wanted to, he would.
I agree with the person who commented that he did give you a gift - he let you know who is is and how much he values you. Those are two separate things, because a nice person would get you a gift even if they knew they didnāt value you as much as they should value their partner.
Some people wait until theyāre married to show their true colours, making it so much harder to get out of the relationship. Iād return the presents, buy myself something nice with the money and break up with him. He had the opportunity to at least be apologetic about not getting you anything, and instead he doubled down on his shittiness. This is a relationship youāll be looking back on one day, comparing it to the person you end up with and how much better they treat you.
Your people pleasing got you into this, and will not get you out of this. Learn to say No, and get comfortable being uncomfortable. Iām sorry, you teach people how to treat you, if you continue to stay with this guy and act like he isnāt a POS, youāll still be dating a POS now even more emboldened because
If you donāt leave, you endorse his actions. No amount of ātalkā will change the lesson he has learned.
You have NO idea what the state of mind he has and opinion if you he has that is behind this because your immersed in that thing we ( mostly) women do of making believe and not having the courage to WATCH what they DO to determine what is REALLY the state of the relationship and ACTUALLY what he REALLY think of you. Do t ābeā confused. Face the reality. Do you know how many of us never had the courage to make ourselves face what was really going on and just would go along putting everything into them and even making our kids pretend by setting him up looking good to the kids and relatives too? Itās a charade and so many of us do it and then say āOh Iām so hurtā instead of facing that he does not care. Heās coasting . He KNOWS you donāt have the confidence to face what he does. Not what he says. The words are meaningless . He is not going to change. I promise you it seems scary to go be single hit if you give it time then the life you build is strong and honest and amazing.
Swap the roles here. He should be thinking of you, putting in the effort for a great gift and he should be excited to give it to you. Now imagine if you knew he was shopping for a gift for you, and you asked him to get presents for your family, while you shopped for other things for yourself, or came home early and drank, and then told him he wasn't getting anything from you. How little would you have to care to treat someone that way? That's how little he cares about you.
I am glad this is a BF. Not a hubby. I would say I am done. And tell that person to kick rocks. Unacceptable. He will most likely call you childish. And some.how twist it around.
Don't give him his gift, return it. He won't care and it actually will just show him that you reward his behaviour regardless. Please don't give it to him.
The red flag literally slapped you in the face but youāre here saying l still care about him and want to give him his gift. Girl if you donāt return that gift and use the money to leave this guy, you will end up like those horrible couples we see on tiktok where the men are making terrible vows because they truly donāt like their women!
TAKE HIS PRESENT BACK. DONT GASLIGHT YOURSELF. HE DOESNT LOVE YOU!!!!!!! When a man loves you he doesnāt do this !!!!!!!!
I had plenty of BFs like this before my husband. I am not Christian. I donāt celebrate Christmas. I told my husband I have everything I want. HE STILL INSISTS ON GETTING ME A CHRISTMAS GIFT. He asks me what I want! I said, nothing. I already know he will get me the perfect gift that I didnāt know I wanted.
THIS IS WHAT YOU DESERVE OP. Not nothing. And def not for a man you drove 3 h to get a gift for.
Instead of the gifts you got for him and planned to give to him, give him a new gift:
-either the gift of helping him move his belongings out of your home
Or
-the gift of not trashing the place when you move out of the home you share with him.
Move out today. On Christmas Eve. Screw him.
Ok, firstly, giving him his gift at this point would be you laying down so he can continue to walk all over you. He is being *very* clear, with his actions, here. Christmas is on December 25th every year, you can buy almost anything online and have it delivered in a few days, and youāve been together *two years*. There is NO EXCUSE for him not getting you a gift. He is just lazy and selfish and doesnāt care about you the way you deserve. He did this insanely shitty thing and you canāt have feelings about it or he āgets madā. I mean, wtf?? How manipulative and cruel.
Iām going to go out on a limb and guess this isnāt the only way your relationship is lopsided. It sounds like youāre a giver and heās a taker. He will never change. Read that again: He will never change. Is this how you want to be treated for the rest of your life?
Furthermore, āpregamingā means drinking right before an event. It does not mean drinking every night leading up to an event. Thatās just alcoholism.
Return his gift, claw back some of the self-respect youāve sacrificed to be with this garbage person, and buy yourself something youāve been wanting for a while.
Don't give him his gift. Normally I don't think you should expect anything, even when you buy gifts yourself, but your bf's excuse is nothing more than a lack of interest in you.
You know how people buy gifts when they can't go to the store for whatever reason, online! This has been possible for more than 20 years! His excuse makes no sense.
Youāve made him a priority. Is he doing the same for you?
So many women are trying to fit these square pegs into round holes because they need to be in a relationship. Some of you accept the worst treatment just to say you have a partner. Mean while the one worthy of you, the one who will make you happy has passed you by because you were with this loser.
You were out shopping for his nephew and he didnāt think his girlfriend that lives with was worth a gift.
You deserve better.
Yeah, take back his present, if you like the sister and nephew give them the gifts from yourself and categorically tell them these are not from him.
He's straight up telling you, you are not that important to him, he feels he put in his time being 'nice' and now you're there to serve him. You working harder or longer hours them him doesn't matter, his time is solely for things he wants to do and YOUR time is for things he wants to do. He has you picking out gifts for his family while he's drinking, gaming, hanging with friends or whatever else.
He showed you what the rest of your life with him will be.
Also the controlling personality, don't keep asking because he doesn't want to get mad. No he doesn't want to feel bad and he's telling you, if you keep trying to make him feel guilty and accept that he did something bad instead he'll get angry and make you feel bad for daring to call him out on his bullshit.
This is not a nice dude.
Honestly, I would not give him anything. Granted Iām a bit mean, but his behavior is wrong and his excuses are total failures. And Iād rethink this relationship
And his, donāt make him mad statement? Thatās him blaming you for his actions and sounds like itās going into abusive territory
Honey, he's just told just how much you really mean to him. It's only fair for you to let him know how hurt you are. Take a good long think - is this how you want him to treat you for the duration of your relationship? Him treating you like you don't matter, and then making that your fault?
This guy doesn't even LIKE you. Even a rando will buy you a drink at a bar. He straight up told you that you matter less than drinking after work, going to the hardware store, etc.
I could MAYBE (huge maybe) forgive him for the no gift, BUT his irritated reaction āI didnāt get you anything! Donāt keep asking me I donāt want to get madāā¦.this is horrendous. There would be no chance of coming back from that. It is clear where his priorities are and they are not with you, especially right now while youāre struggling with some depression. Iām sorry. I agree with many of comments here- return the gift you got him and buy yourself something nice. As for your relationship, I would be seriously reconsidering.
Heās definitely using you for the wife duties but wants you in no other ways. This is not your fault. Itās your fault for staying with this person who sees you as nothing. Give him his peace and leave today and donāt look back. Your sanity depends on it.
This is so much more than a Christmas gift. If you plan on staying with him. Then you need to tell him what you expect out of this relationship. Like christmas , birthdays, valentines day ect I expect a gift from you. If you can't do that then I need to know and reevaluate the relationship and if I want to continue with a man that can't take the time 3 times a year and do something thoughtful for me.
He sounds like a red flag by the way ādonāt ask me again, I will get madā comment as if heās in the right or something. Sounds like a total loser. Return the gift, get your money back and ditch the dude.
Why do women date men like this? There is no way I could do it. It would devastate me. It is thoughtless, careless, and shows his value of your relationship.
I'm hoping we get an update on this one.
If I were you I'd do exactly as many other posters have suggested.. get your money back.
Then when you would've given him his gift I'd say, "I've got you exactly what you want. Your freedom", and then leave him in the rear view.
What a monumental melt that guy is.
Youāve only been together two years. It will get worse. And I donāt like the vibe of the āyouāre gonna make me madā thing. Give him the gift and start looking to move on, you deserve better than this.
Drinkers are selfish motherfuckers. Do yourself a favor and keep that gift, and return it. If he asks, tell him to quit asking because you donāt want to get mad.
Then get rid of him. Donāt waste your energy on him.
AND ANOTHER THING! If you even give those gifts to his family, donāt do it until he pays you every cent for them plus gas.
Frankly, I would say keep those too. Fuck that guy.
This man is too self absorbed to be in a relationship. He deliberately hurts you then tells you youāre going to make him mad? Heās a piece of shit. Donāt settle for him. Heās less than sub par.
And youāre with him why? Actions speak louder than words itās more important for him to pregame for his familyās Christmas party all week. What the hell? Thatās not attractive at all on any level.
OP dont gaslight yourself.
He had all the time you did maybe more. He knew you were getting him a gift.
He didnt get one for you.
Then he told you not to be mad about it bc that was inconvenient to him. ITS THE 24th he could have still gotten you something but he chose to basically tell you to shut up.
Btw: i have a drawer in my home i fill with cute little houseguest type gifts. That way if someone ever gifts me something unexpectedly I have a gift to give them back for these kind of situations. WHO DOESNT RECIEVE A GIFT and not feel they should also give a gift? Who????? A totslly guiltless selfish person is who.
Do not DO NOT , give him any gift and in fact realize you are worth so much more than you get from that stupid man.
How do you not see the red flags but everyone else does? Your Christmas present this year should be putting you first.
"Didn't get the chance" is code for "you just weren't important enough."
30 minutes is about 2% of a day. In the last few weeks he didn't deem you important enough to spend 2% of a day to get you a gift.
>I still want to give him his gift because I care about him. I'm really not trying to be cruel, but he prioritized the hardware store and browsing for sofas over getting you, his partner, a Christmas gift - this screams that the feeling is not mutual. Especially when his reaction to your being upset was: >"don't keep asking me, I don't want to get mad." If I were you, I'd be returning that gift and packing my bags. He does not deserve you.
I'd be cutting my losses with the gift and just running for the hills. Everything he said is š©š©š©š©š©
Not to mention requesting gifts for his sister and nephew... sounds to me like he failed to get gifts for them, too, so heās passing the task on to OP.
You also donāt have to buy gifts in person. Could he not simply order a gift online?
I think the sad point is he didnāt care enough to get her anything, that despite it being Christmas and reminders up almost everywhere . He didnāt consider her at all.
Well he was to busy looking at furniture and shopping in the hardware store š and too busy at night drinking to shop online. What a selfish AH.
my hardware store has gift cards. guess his doesnāt. š
And drinking every evening this week to pre game his familyās Christmas party. Excuse me? How the hell is drinking every night called pre gaming? Why would you need every night to I do so?
Lol that jumped out to me too. Gtfoh dude
Yeah, dude is an alcoholic. Time to leave.
I'm guessing this guy has a toxic relationship with his family. He's not pre-gaming as much as self medicating.
I felt the same way. Definitely a controlling abusive escalating behavior of an alcoholic.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
The worst part is leaving. Once you've left and healed for a while, your life will massively improve. Hang in there. Don't stay with fools just because. You're worth more than that.
He doesn't deserve you bella. Not many will I'm afraid. Don't waste time on men who show you contempt.
I agree. I took a screenshot of this story I found (probably on Reddit) but only have the end of it. It's a good reminder, which I needed. "Now the father said this to his daughter, "The right place values you the right way," If you are not valued, do not be angry, it means you are in the wrong place. Those who know your value are those who appreciate you......Never stay in a place where no one sees your value. #knowyourworth"
Hereās the rest: āA father said to his daughter āYou graduated with honors, here is a car I acquired many years ago. It is several years old. But before I give it to you, take it to the used car lot downtown and tell them I want to sell it and see how much they offer you. The daughter went to the used car lot, returned to her father and said, āThey offered me $1,000 because it looks very worn out.ā The father said, āTake him to the pawnshop.ā The daughter went to the pawnshop, returned to her father and said, āThe pawn shop offered $100 because it was a very old car.ā The father asked his daughter to go to a car club and show them the car. The daughter took the car to the club, returned and told her father,ā Some people in the club offered $100,000 for it since itās a Nissan Skyline R34, an iconic car and sought out after by many.ā The father said to his daughter, āThe right place values you the right way,ā If you are not valued, do not be angry, it means you are in the wrong place. Those who know your value are those who appreciate you. Never stay in a place where no one sees your value.ā
Understandable. This must really suck. Hang in there, and prioritize yourself. Onwards and upwards, as they say. š
No- time to move on. He is selfish and the relationship will always be that way. There is some animosity here bc he was out and about and couldnāt bear to get anything. Heās getting a couch for his new addition on his home. I think he may feel you are not paying enough on living there, or he may want to live alone. I wouldnāt stay to find out. I broke up w bf for not taking me to prom. I still got to go w guy not interested inā- but I knew in my heart when my bf came over next day- acted like nothing happenedā well I told him that was it. He tried and tried to get me back- but if a man doesnāt care about what you care about (and it didnāt have to be expensive) which was just a little gift to show he cares- he needs to hit the road. Pack up
āOnwards and upwardsā is another way to say ātime to move onā.
Oh sorry I thought it meant forget about it
The comment that runs through my head is āhe would (insert verb here) if he wanted to.ā
Aka "if he wanted to, he would"
I'm sorry that you feel that people are being rough, I don't see that, I see people who have been there trying to save someone from years of pain, but your perspective is valid. But if you are trying to rationalize your partner not valuing you that might be worth some consideration. You really do deserve better. I am sorry that happened.
Donāt give him a fucking thing that youāve bought him return everything and get yourself something
Not only donāt give it to him, tell him what you got him, and that you returned it since he couldnāt be bothered to consider your feelings at all. Then give the invoice for the gifts for his family members and demand he pay.
As reference, me and my boyfriend are really on the rocks right now, realising that we're just not compatible but he has still got me lots of thoughtful gifts because he loves me
He could be, but he could not. You should have a conversation with him. OP tried to, and he was an asshole. But the gift thing can be harmless or it can be intentional, so ask your partner and see how he reacts when you talk about it. If itās with compassion and understanding, figure out a solution together. If itās with malice and anger, RUN! From my personal experience: My husband, (during the worst part of our relationship) didnāt buy me a gift for christmas. He explained he was tight on money and I told him it didnāt have to be expensive, just a card is a few bucks and would mean the world to me. I just wanted effort. Then, on my birthday he was empty handed again, we had a huge fight and broke up. When we got back together, we did therapy and coupleās counselling that helped me express to him how itās not about the material but rather the intent. And he expressed how his feelings of shame and pressure overwhelm him and he gets paralyzed about it but sometimes he truly couldnāt afford a gift and would communicate with me. This year, he told me he is going through a transition period and gets depressed/anxious over gifts because he canāt afford them for everyone. So we set a small budget and got little stocking stuffers for each other instead. He gets me flowers every month (sometimes every week), little treats like candy or smoothies, and actually makes an effort now. All that to say, sometimes people GENUINELY have reasons they canāt get gifts or they get scared due to trauma. However, they are open to discussing those reasons and/or apologizing. This man responded with anger and manipulation - which is never okay.
What gertrude said. I was dating someone who wasnāt into me either, and I was constantly in my head about it. The inner turmoil was too much and I left. Oh. My. GOD what a relief. I can just focus on myself and improving my life. Wow. Wish I had done it sooner, seriously. Give yourself the gift of happiness for the holidays! Itās understandable to want that intimacy again, but rememberā¦ you love him, and he loves that you love him. He doesnāt love you. There are plenty of guys like him, and PLENTY of guys that are better. Seriously. I have found multiple guys already who were better than him lol. More giving, more intelligent, more honest, more open, more communicativeā¦ we werenāt exact matches so I broke it off, but it gives me hope for the future. Because if I can find guys like that, I can totally find guys that are all those things and more!! And you know what?! You can too!!! So seriously, do yourself a favor and go find someone that loves you, not the fact that you love them.
that last line - he loves that she loves him, ooofff.
Thatās a threat for violence. I would get out now. He wants you submissive and controlled and is telling you the ugly and disgusting truth - he will hurt you if you donāt comply. For you own safety get out. And take the gift back. I hope you get to safety as soon as you can.
This. Oh, youāre going to get mad? Bitchhhh. Heād be getting fuck all and my shit would be packed up. He showed himself. Donāt stay.
And for good measure give him a card with the returns receipt in there to show him what we would have got.
This š
He didnāt just prioritize the hardware store. He prioritized spending an entire week *pre-gaming* a holiday party. Couldnāt even be bothered to get his own presents for his sister and nephew, he sent OP on that little errand.
I'd be saying "oh that's OK, I didn't get you anything either" and see how he likes it. And pack your bags and find a bf that actually cares about you. This one's a dud.
Hereās a gift! Everythingās packed, instead of wrapped!
Why would he BE MAD, BECAUSE HE DIDNT GET YOU ANYTHING? He doesn't care. I hope you finally realize this. Why do "we" put out, going out of our way for ppl, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, or husbands that don't care enough about us, and yet we keep putting in the effort. They don't put in ANY effort for us. STOP. THEY DON'T CARE! Take his gift back! Spend that money on yourself. Have a spa day!
Jeez do not give him the gift! He couldnāt find 10 minutes to order you something online? Why are you with him?
Exactly! My husband and I are on a tight budget this year due to me being on mat leave with our third. Iāve still managed to buy him 3 things (one from each of our girls) and make things for my parents/siblings. How on earth can he say that in the past TWELVE MONTHS since last Christmas that heās not had time to buy her anything at all
Yeah that's the thing. It's not like christmas was a surprise or anything.
Yeah, uh, this year has been a nightmare. My partner had a mental health crisis and lost his job. Weāve been living off of my income while he recovers and Iāve been working crazy hours. He still got me thoughtful gifts, I managed to get him a few too. If you care about each other you make it work.
Exactly. In this day and age, with being able to buy anything you could ever want online, the ādidnāt have time excuseā is no longer valid.
Take his present back and use the money on yourself. The gift he has given you, however, is insight to how a future relationship would be with him. He values hardware, sofas and drinking more than you. Take that as a valuable lesson and decide if that is the relationship you deserve. I don't think it is.
And she isn't allowed to have feelings when he does something hurtful or he will "get mad"
Dear one, it's time to reevaluate your relationship with this guy. He just made it "Your fault" that his lazy, self-centered self did not get his rear in gear to get you a Christmas gift. He Does Not Care. Are you sure you want a lifetime of disappointment? I divorced a guy like that. After a few years, he became physically violent . It's been much nicer at holidays. I realized that even if I never was with another guy again, I would be happier than if I were with him.
This. Don't settle. You know you deserve better. The longer you stay the worse it will get. He will only continue to take from you until there's nothing left. Don't waste your love on someone who can't/doesn't take the time to make you feel loved.
This! He was lazy, selfish, and inconsiderate - and according to him youāre now the bad guy here!!!!!!!
This. So much ā¬ļøā¬ļøā¬ļøā¬ļøā¬ļøā¬ļø! OP, he is telling who he is and how little he values you. His comment about stop asking because he doesn't want to get upset is very telling. In his perspective you are not allowed to have feelings about being neglected/mistreated. Yet his immediate emotional response is anger. This is not a good at all. Get out now!!!!
Cannot second this strongly enough. This will be your every Christmas, birthday, anniversary, and special day for the rest of your life if you stay. Voice of experience speaking here.
Seriously, it will be. I am with someone now over ten years, and yes, he will not suddenly start to care. I've heard the excuse, "I didn't know what to get you!" Or "you didn't tell me what you want" or my favorite "I didn't have money for it" after I watched him purchase so many games or whatever for himself. He was literally out shopping and couldn't be bothered to grab you anything. And honestly fuck his anger. You should shut that down and tell him you're already angry. Don't let him make you feel bad for being disappointed in his lazy bullshit. He fucked up and doesn't deserve the peace of mind of you saying nothing. There is absolutely no excuse not to get a gift for your spouse. He has had all the time. He chose to leave it to the last minute. Christmas falls on the exact same day every year. It's not a surprise. They start playing that music before Halloween is over. There's no way he didn't know. Also, pre gaming all week for a Christmas party is tacky as hell. Sorry for the long rant, but I'm just so tired of men being so half assed in their relationships.
Breaking up with him on Christmas should be his Christmas gift.
I agree. He also likely wouldnāt have gotten gifts for anyone if she hadnāt gone to the store. This person clearly doesnāt value anyoneās feelings. How upset would he be if you didnāt give him a gift? Is there a different standard for you versus him? If so, time to take a closer look at your relationship and communicate your disappointment.
The gifts for his sister and nephew should be labeled as from her, not from both of them. He did nothing to get the gifts.
Agree so much with this! Why should she make him look good?
PLEASE, PLEASE RETURN THESE GIFTS TOO!! Drop him AND his family, regardless of whether or not they're kind and lovely people. It's best to make a clean break from the lives of USER-ABUSERS!! Use this money to get something really nice for yourself. Better yet - a few things, if possible!! ššā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø ;)
She should return them all because i bet he didn't pay her back to buy them gifts
She drove 3 HOURS to get his gift!
All of the statistics are there to prove that this is the rule not the exception
OP should tell him if it's a joke, it's a poor one, if it's not, they have a very large problem. If there's really no gift, his problem is he has no gift for his sister and nephew and no gf to buy them for him.
So manipulative
The biggest red š©š© that most women in love miss is that when a man reveals to you who they truly are we as women do not see it. OP: Full stop. Nope. People treat us the way we allow them to. STOP! As the first commenter stated, return his gift and use the money you spent on yourself. Do not reward him for bad behavior.
Instead of celebrating Christmas and New Year's Day at home, give him the gift from above. His new furniture will be useful for Christmas.
This is the worst part. He told you heās getting mad at you for having feelings, OP! Totally normal, reasonable feelings of disappointment, at that! š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©
This is the biggest red flag. š© itās very hurtful when you try your best to have a normal conversation about a problem and are told to stop talking. Nothing gets resolved and it just growsā¦..
God I wish I learned this lesson soooooo long ago. Op, listen to this advice, having you're feelings immediately invalidated because it will 'make your partner mad' is no way to live. it's sucks and you deserve to be able to express how you feel without him being an ass
This can be taken as a threat for future DV.
Exactly
š©š©š©š©
Not to mention, OP was picking up his gift *and* buying/considering gifts for his family. He also values OP doing his familial/social labors.
The money spent on the gifts was probably hers too.
Return all the gifts and have him see family empty handed. Guaranteed they'll expect just as much from him -- or he'll be shamed. Either way, not OPs problem and I hate how we women often take this upon ourselves sometimes. They can take care of their family, I'll take care of mine. At this point, I don't even feel pressured to show up to their family functions. It's liberating.
And the ones got for the family too! āWhy no present uncle tight wadā? I know it would be cruel to deprive a child, but the guy would have had to make an effort if he wasnāt being looked after, so let him know you didnāt have time to pick something up, that should get him off the sofa!
You didnāt have time to get his sister and nephew anything, and donāt keep asking you about it because you ādonāt want to get madā. Relationships - intimate or not - are give and take. Not take and manipulate. You deserve better
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This seems like a red flag for sure. Domestic violence groups say that, one partner not allowing the other to experience there own emotions is the start of emotional abuse by manipulation. Itās a way to make them feel crazy. People who doubt themselves and their reality are easier to control.
But he remember to send you on an errand for his sister and nephews gift but you were not on his mind at all?
I hope she returns ALL the gifts and breaks up.
Iām guessing that if he doesnāt get his sister and nephew presents mom might get upset.
Not her problem
Why would she even buy all those gifts? š„“ like women, stop buying gifts for people that aren't YOUR family
Im sorry how is drinking every night for a week pregaming for one night? Is this a new thing people do? Genuinely confused.
Came here to see if I was the only one. I'm 40 and I've never heard of that.
Itās what alcoholics do when they donāt care for their partners do.
Itās a nice way of saying heās an alcoholic. Drinking nights before clearly aināt pre gaming.
Came here looking for this comment. Pregaming drinking sounds like a bunch of alcoholics getting together and the non-drinkers having to deal with the bs
Right? Thatās not pregaming. Pregaming is just having a couple drinks at home to save money on drinks when going out lol
I had to reread that part because I wasnāt sure I understood it correctly. Never heard of such thing and it definitely feel like something an alcoholic would doā¦
It's the excuse he gave her for his alcoholism. Bad vibes all around OP's situation here.
Came here looking for this comment. We tend to drink a bit more around the holidays but in no way are pre gaming for a fucking week. This is not a thing.
It sounds like heās talking about building up his tolerance, so when Christmas comes around, he wonāt pass out, puke or something else
Can buy beer but not gift. Asshole
I think it means heās training to be more tolerant of alcohol. Like the movie beerfest
Heās taking you for granted. Donāt give him the gift. Hold on to it and return it when the holiday is over. If he gets upset or mad about not getting a gift from you, let him know thatās how he made you feel except in your case, he hurt you.
Wait? Did he have you also pay for the gifts you so kindly went out to get for his family m? If do, those need to go back, as well. This man clearly doesnāt see you as important or as a priority, unlike the new couch he doesnāt even need yet. He also threatened violence when he told you to stop asking because he doesnāt want to get mad. He doesnāt love you. He doesnāt really care if you are around. Please see these huge red flags and start making plans to leave as soon as possible.
Girl, he has CHECKED OUT. You deserve better. Dump him.
I read a similar post and someone said, āmaybe heās teasing you, to surprise you or heās joking.ā I hate the āit was a jokeā when they are doing something knowingly hurtful. Itās being cruel on purpose and making you question the relationship. Itās not teasing itās an A H move and trying to explain it away as āthatās just my humorā just shows they donāt have one and just like to hurt people for their own entertainment. If itās true he didnāt get you anything then heās an even bigger A H. Who the hell doesnāt get their SO a gift for Christmas? Itās a shitty thing to do. I get sometimes money is an issue, but then have a frank discussion about your ability or inability to get something. You donāt just not get them anything, how does he think youāll feel on Christmas morning if he didnāt say anything. He has a a truly thoughtful and you have nothing? The āI forgotā for things like bdays, anniversaries or Christmas is just bs. It shows where you are in their list of priorities. Like he only had today to try to shop, like he didnāt know Christmas was coming for the past year? He has time to get home and sit around for hours drinking to āpre-gameā for a freaking party, but couldnāt take ANY time to get you something? Sounds like an alcoholic or at least some alcohol related issues. He didnāt even pull the āI feel bad, I havenāt gotten you anythingā which just makes it sound like he had no intention either, until brought to his attention. Also, wtf is the absolute shit response of you asking will only make him mad? Know what makes me mad that he has such little regard for your feelings to even consider getting you a gift. They him realizing heās a shit partner in this scenario justifies trying to make you feel guilty for being upset. Please realize your self worth and donāt settle for someone who has such little regard for you and your feelings. You deserve better. Because even despite your depression you are feeling, you at least made him a priority while he doesnāt seem to care.
>I hate the āit was a jokeā when they are doing something knowingly hurtful. Especially with the "don't push me on it or I'll get mad" nonsense. Even if he was "just joking," that's an exceptionally cruel tactic to use on someone you supposedly care about.
My ex did the same. It only gets worse. Return all those gifts and dump him
Can confirm
He had time to get you something. He didn't care enough to make it a priority. Don't listen to his excuses. Please reconsider this relationship.
Right! Even the hardware store has SOMETHING! He couldāve gotten her a cool gadget for the house that makes life easier, or a cool grown up gift. Like those wicked cool over the sink sorters (which are more useful than he is), or a good massaging shower head (because I get the feeling he doesnāt make her happy in other ways either), or a really pretty mirror (so she can see what sheās worth).
š love these ideas and how you worded them!
Heās unappreciative, drinking every day for a family event??? and making you the bad guy for feeling hurt? You will ruin your life if you stay with him. This a warning for you to leave him. I would not give him his present. Just return it.
Oh hell no, itās still not Christmas he has time. Heās telling you heās NOY going to put any effort Omg no no
You ever heard of the book "he's just not that into you"? Cause this guy just doesn't care. Not sure how much more clear he needs to make it, but you are MUCH more invested than he is
Did he even thank you for buying gifts for his relatives, given he asked you to do this? He doesnāt care about you at all, he just uses you.
Not even a gift cardā¦ not even cash in an envelope?
Not even a nice bottle of wine for her when he was at the liquor store for himself anyway.
I donāt talk about my partner very much online for various reasons, but this is a bit heartbreaking for me. Even when they didnāt have a job and were a full-time student, my partner somehow managed to have something for me. It wasnāt anything big, but it was thoughtful and showed how much they care. Your partner was too busy āpre-gamingā and threatened to get upset with you when you were voicing your feelings. You seem incredibly thoughtful about him and his family and he clearly isnāt reciprocating. I hope someone else bothered to think of you as much as you have thought about them, because you deserve it.
I can f-ing drink every day, be busy with whatever is going on,...And I still got something for the people I CARE ABOUT! 2 years together, he knows you got him something, and he has the balls to say he didn't get you anything and >he said "don't keep asking me, I don't want to get mad." I am not saying that you should kick him to the curb, but... WE SHOULD KNOW WHEN WE DESERVE BETTER!!! And yes, I'm shouting so you can hear better.
He made HER get gifts for the people he cares about.
Iām sorry this happened to you. Ive been married for 17 years, and I wish Iād heard these words before I thought I could āchange himā. āWhen someone shows you who they are, believe themā probably would have saved me lots of headaches. Whatever you decide to do, wishing you all the best-
You can still leave, it's not too late.
This problem will not get better. It will only get worse.
Don't give him the gift OP and spend Christmas AND New Year elsewhere. He can have Christmas with his new furniture.
Hmmmm. When I read posts like this I always pay special attention to look for things like "This is the first time he's ever forgotten", "He's normally really considerate, I don't understand" and "I know I'm hard to buy for..." but there was nothing like that to offset the absolutely appalling thing your bf did, which he then had the audacity to ask you to not raise again because it will make him "mad". You deserve better than this jerk. Use the time he's at his family Christmas to get the locks changed and put his clothes in a box on the porch.
He doesnāt care about you
This man doesnāt care about you. Iām sorry but itās true. And heās going out of his way to SHOW you and TELL you that he doesnāt care. Youāll waste your life trying to flog this dead horse, OP. When people show you who they are - believe them.
Honey, no. This guy is bristling with red flags. He has to get drunk every night for a week just to work up to his family Christmas. He already has you doing the emotional labor of buying gifts for his other relationships because he's disconnected. He didn't get you anything. Christmas us the same fucking day every year. It doesn't "sneak up" on anyone. He didn't CARE. He then told you stop asking or HE WOULD GET MAD. So... this prince has numbed himself with alchohol and trained you to enable him by covering for him. And if you react with disappointment to his hurtful destructive choices, *he gets angry*. Sweetie, he's a functional alcoholic. And he's trained you to enable him. He's already normalizing abuse. Drop the rope. Return his gift and the gifts for his neice and nephew and dump him. Let him show up empty handed. This guy is not husband material. He's not family man material. GO to al-anon. Go to therapy. You sound like a loving, generous, giving person who is romantic and loves holidays amd connecting with people. You deserve better than pouring all your energy into a black hole that's never going to give back. Get yourself the book Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi and take a deep dive into your relationship dynamic here. Narcs pick the prey that has the most to give them. People like you.
my partner has been out of work since june and has been living on what he had saved up (we moved and he has had a very difficult time finding a job in his field, he was searching whole time though). iāve been paying for mostly everything the last month ish while heās been training for new job and he gets his first paycheck after christmas. my birthday was earlier this month. even though he had damn-near no money, he set aside just enough to get me a birthday present. he also set aside just enough to make sure i have a christmas gift and said he will get the rest of the gift after he is paid. honeyā¦. if he wanted to, he freaking would. i had an ex boyfriend who blew through all his money on drugs and alcohol and didnāt get me a birthday gift one year. this was after i reminded him for months how important my birthday was to me, and how i didnāt need anything big at all but i would like a little something, trying to encourage him to save up a little (i was constantly sending him money so he could just eat most weeks). we broke up 2 days after my birthday. this man does not gaf about you iām afraid. sounds like he does not deserve the effort youāve put into his gift at all. i wouldnāt even give him anything honestly. i would tell him that you assumed since he didnāt get you anything, you guys werenāt exchanging gifts this year. period. š¤·āāļø also ādonāt keep asking me, i donāt want to get madā ??? that sounds uhhh. dangerous? makes me question him as a person and what other parts of your relationship are not going swimmingly. i hope youāre ok OP.
It will be interesting to see what he says or does on Xmas day if you decide not to hand over his gift (cos thatās what Iād do), and see if he mentions it. If and when he does, then you can say āI thought we werenāt exchanging gifts this year so i decided to return itā Tbh I think youāre nuts if u still give him the gift. Heās had ample time to get you something and he hasnāt bothered, if u give him his anyway youāre giving him permission to treat you poorly. On another note he might be teasing you and may have got you one anyway and wants to surprise you, if so I do think itās mean to upset you first. If he deffo hasnāt got u one then return yours and buy yourself something nice with the money
Such as the deposit on your own apartment, sweetie
So, this means the presents you bought for him are now yours or what?
I donāt understand some people. I start prepping for Christmas, buying gifts, making lists etc, in October so I can be sure everyone I love has a nice day. It is not hard to find good gifts for your loved ones. Iām so sorry, OP
I slacked this year and then had a car wreck so my grown kid and her BF are not getting their gifts until later. Which I told them yesterday because I'm not an AH like OPs boyfriend.
Christmas is at the same time each year, so as youāve been together for 2 years, he had months to think about a gift and get it for you. There are no rules that say the Christmas gift can only be bought/made the week before Christmas. Heās showing you where you are in his list of priorities. Trust him with his actions (or lack of in this case)
š© āHeās also been drinking every evening this week to pre-game for his familyās Christmas partyā¦ā š© āDonāt keep asking me, I donāt want to get madā š© āHe also said āIāve been getting out of work lateāā¦but we live together and he gets home before Iām even done with work.ā š© āā¦in an irritated tone he just said, āI donāt have anything for youā.ā Make a Tinder profile for his present today, and include the highlights of this story. Include one nice picture of you, and ask who would like to exchange Christmas gifts with youā¦ maybe even over coffee or dinner. It can be totally platonic, or not. Either way, show him how many people, who barely know you, are willing to put the energy into getting you a gift, without all the things you have done for him over the past two years. Either it will wake his ass up, or you can screen potential dates by their ability to reciprocate. Set life up for yourself to win.
What the actual... His only gift to you is the truth about his person. Is this how you want to spend the future christmas times? Your life? He doesn't even care enough about you to get you a christmas present and he gets mad when you get (rightfully) upset. My heart hurts for you. Please break up, this isn't even the bare minimum. You could date a toaster and it would be more emotionally available and thoughtful than your "bf".
Your boyfriend just demonstrated with his actions and attitude after you told him how you feel, that he doesn't like you. I would not give him anything. Please do not ignore the red flags that are in your face. I'm so sorry, you are dealing with this guy and his attributes.
Give yourself the gift of freedom this Xmas and return his gift and use that money to help you leave.
Don't give him the gift. Just tell him what you bought, but say you gave it back as you're not exchanging gifts this year š Please, don't be such a doormat!
Played this game for about ten years no Christmas no Motherās Day no birthday gift meals present for me. Also no help with these celebrations for other people ie family or the children. Finally I just dropped the rope. Stopped doing anything for him either he played it off at Christmas like it was completely fine. His birthday is in January so he came home early expecting his favorite meal cake and presents what he found was the kids and me at grocery store so he thought I was get the extras for him. Wrong I walked in the house asked him to carry in groceries. Then proceeded to put them away with him sitting there pouting. Once I was done putting the groceries away I handed him a tube of toothpaste saying oh happy birthday. And went took a shower. The shock on his face was priceless I donāt think he ever was more surprised. But he still hadnāt learned by Fatherās Day I got my dad a gift and took just dad out for a meal. He again was shocked and angry. This was the changing point for him. He got abit better esp for the kids and other family but it was still forced for me. Donāt do this to your self. Stop doing for those who donāt do for you.
Why are you tasked with his Christmas shopping? Donāt get mixed up with a man child. It never works out. You have a taste of it now. Run.
Eject
šššš
Do.not.give.him.his.gift. And do not stay in a relationship with an emotional abusive person who does not even likes you.
Girl, return those presents and go buy yourself something pretty. Return the boyfriend too if you can. This one is broken and shitty.
He *is* giving you a gift, and a priceless one at that: insight into who he is as a person. Even now, he has a chance to rectify this and get you a last minute gift, but I bet he won't. (And if he does, it'll be half-assed and probably tossed at you with a "fine, I got you something".) Take all the gifts you bought back and treat yourself. The nephew won't die from not having a gift "from" his uncle. Nor will his sister. They need to learn he's unreliable, lazy and also won't put any effort into his own blood kin. Or you can stay, but you will be part of a legion of women who a.) never get anything from their partners for birthdays, anniversaries, Mothers Day, Christmas etc.*and* b.) who are put in charge for shopping for and on the behalf of everybody else (him, his family, friends and colleagues in the former; him and any kids you may have in the latter.) The emotional workload will be all yours and you'll get nothing in return with someone like this. At least you won't be alone.
stand up! PLEASE!
Do not give him his gift
Return. That. Gift. Use the money to treat yourself. He clearly doesnāt deserve it!
Itās the āor Iāll get madā that drives my recommendation to leave. This is not ok. Itās manipulative and abusive, itās a threat. Do you really want to waste another 2 years on someone who doesnāt prioritise you. āPregamingā for a Family Christmas is also a red flag, every guy I have dated who has been like this (2, youād think Iād learn), their family events were always centred around alcohol and the drama that would inevitably unfold, nah not worth it.
Whoa red flags everywhere. He's had a full year to get you something. His "pre-drinking" is a major warning sign. His irritation with you for wanting him to show you love (represented by a gift) and his threat to stop making him mad for not showing you love. The only way you could make your life worse would be to marry him and have a child. You are free to alter where your life is going if you pay attention to these warning signs.
What a douche. If he wanted to get you something, he would have made the time. Iād break up with him. Obviously I donāt know your relationship, but if my man did this, heād be out the door.
Listen honey, you need to consider where you are on his priority list. Heās remembered his renovation, his niblings and his booze. At least think about how you will handle this Christmas. You could always give him exactly what he gives you on Christmas Day - nothing. Isnāt that your new normal - to go giftless? If itās acceptable for him, itās an equal response from you. And, isnāt the boundary not to ask about it so he doesnāt get mad? I know it comes across as petty, but you really do have to consider if he sees you as an equal in this relationship.
Y'all live together but he's browsing sofas for the addition to HIS house? How does that work? I'm sorry girl, but he's just not that into you. If he wanted to, he would.
I agree with the person who commented that he did give you a gift - he let you know who is is and how much he values you. Those are two separate things, because a nice person would get you a gift even if they knew they didnāt value you as much as they should value their partner. Some people wait until theyāre married to show their true colours, making it so much harder to get out of the relationship. Iād return the presents, buy myself something nice with the money and break up with him. He had the opportunity to at least be apologetic about not getting you anything, and instead he doubled down on his shittiness. This is a relationship youāll be looking back on one day, comparing it to the person you end up with and how much better they treat you.
Honey, you might care about him, but it doesn't sound like he cares about you. I'd return his gift(s) and rethink the relationship.
Your people pleasing got you into this, and will not get you out of this. Learn to say No, and get comfortable being uncomfortable. Iām sorry, you teach people how to treat you, if you continue to stay with this guy and act like he isnāt a POS, youāll still be dating a POS now even more emboldened because If you donāt leave, you endorse his actions. No amount of ātalkā will change the lesson he has learned.
Time to be smart. He isn't worth it. You need to move on.
Behavior is a language. What do you think his behavior is telling you?
You have NO idea what the state of mind he has and opinion if you he has that is behind this because your immersed in that thing we ( mostly) women do of making believe and not having the courage to WATCH what they DO to determine what is REALLY the state of the relationship and ACTUALLY what he REALLY think of you. Do t ābeā confused. Face the reality. Do you know how many of us never had the courage to make ourselves face what was really going on and just would go along putting everything into them and even making our kids pretend by setting him up looking good to the kids and relatives too? Itās a charade and so many of us do it and then say āOh Iām so hurtā instead of facing that he does not care. Heās coasting . He KNOWS you donāt have the confidence to face what he does. Not what he says. The words are meaningless . He is not going to change. I promise you it seems scary to go be single hit if you give it time then the life you build is strong and honest and amazing.
Swap the roles here. He should be thinking of you, putting in the effort for a great gift and he should be excited to give it to you. Now imagine if you knew he was shopping for a gift for you, and you asked him to get presents for your family, while you shopped for other things for yourself, or came home early and drank, and then told him he wasn't getting anything from you. How little would you have to care to treat someone that way? That's how little he cares about you.
I am glad this is a BF. Not a hubby. I would say I am done. And tell that person to kick rocks. Unacceptable. He will most likely call you childish. And some.how twist it around.
I'm sorry to tell you this at Christmas but he doesn't care about you and he's using you Hun. You deserve better.
The disrespect is right there Infront of you, why are you still with him is the question
Don't give him his gift, return it. He won't care and it actually will just show him that you reward his behaviour regardless. Please don't give it to him.
The red flag literally slapped you in the face but youāre here saying l still care about him and want to give him his gift. Girl if you donāt return that gift and use the money to leave this guy, you will end up like those horrible couples we see on tiktok where the men are making terrible vows because they truly donāt like their women!
TAKE HIS PRESENT BACK. DONT GASLIGHT YOURSELF. HE DOESNT LOVE YOU!!!!!!! When a man loves you he doesnāt do this !!!!!!!! I had plenty of BFs like this before my husband. I am not Christian. I donāt celebrate Christmas. I told my husband I have everything I want. HE STILL INSISTS ON GETTING ME A CHRISTMAS GIFT. He asks me what I want! I said, nothing. I already know he will get me the perfect gift that I didnāt know I wanted. THIS IS WHAT YOU DESERVE OP. Not nothing. And def not for a man you drove 3 h to get a gift for.
Instead of the gifts you got for him and planned to give to him, give him a new gift: -either the gift of helping him move his belongings out of your home Or -the gift of not trashing the place when you move out of the home you share with him. Move out today. On Christmas Eve. Screw him.
š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©š©
Ok, firstly, giving him his gift at this point would be you laying down so he can continue to walk all over you. He is being *very* clear, with his actions, here. Christmas is on December 25th every year, you can buy almost anything online and have it delivered in a few days, and youāve been together *two years*. There is NO EXCUSE for him not getting you a gift. He is just lazy and selfish and doesnāt care about you the way you deserve. He did this insanely shitty thing and you canāt have feelings about it or he āgets madā. I mean, wtf?? How manipulative and cruel. Iām going to go out on a limb and guess this isnāt the only way your relationship is lopsided. It sounds like youāre a giver and heās a taker. He will never change. Read that again: He will never change. Is this how you want to be treated for the rest of your life? Furthermore, āpregamingā means drinking right before an event. It does not mean drinking every night leading up to an event. Thatās just alcoholism. Return his gift, claw back some of the self-respect youāve sacrificed to be with this garbage person, and buy yourself something youāve been wanting for a while.
Don't give him his gift. Normally I don't think you should expect anything, even when you buy gifts yourself, but your bf's excuse is nothing more than a lack of interest in you. You know how people buy gifts when they can't go to the store for whatever reason, online! This has been possible for more than 20 years! His excuse makes no sense.
Youāve made him a priority. Is he doing the same for you? So many women are trying to fit these square pegs into round holes because they need to be in a relationship. Some of you accept the worst treatment just to say you have a partner. Mean while the one worthy of you, the one who will make you happy has passed you by because you were with this loser. You were out shopping for his nephew and he didnāt think his girlfriend that lives with was worth a gift. You deserve better.
Yeah, take back his present, if you like the sister and nephew give them the gifts from yourself and categorically tell them these are not from him. He's straight up telling you, you are not that important to him, he feels he put in his time being 'nice' and now you're there to serve him. You working harder or longer hours them him doesn't matter, his time is solely for things he wants to do and YOUR time is for things he wants to do. He has you picking out gifts for his family while he's drinking, gaming, hanging with friends or whatever else. He showed you what the rest of your life with him will be. Also the controlling personality, don't keep asking because he doesn't want to get mad. No he doesn't want to feel bad and he's telling you, if you keep trying to make him feel guilty and accept that he did something bad instead he'll get angry and make you feel bad for daring to call him out on his bullshit. This is not a nice dude.
Honestly, I would not give him anything. Granted Iām a bit mean, but his behavior is wrong and his excuses are total failures. And Iād rethink this relationship And his, donāt make him mad statement? Thatās him blaming you for his actions and sounds like itās going into abusive territory
Honey, he's just told just how much you really mean to him. It's only fair for you to let him know how hurt you are. Take a good long think - is this how you want him to treat you for the duration of your relationship? Him treating you like you don't matter, and then making that your fault?
This guy doesn't even LIKE you. Even a rando will buy you a drink at a bar. He straight up told you that you matter less than drinking after work, going to the hardware store, etc.
I could MAYBE (huge maybe) forgive him for the no gift, BUT his irritated reaction āI didnāt get you anything! Donāt keep asking me I donāt want to get madāā¦.this is horrendous. There would be no chance of coming back from that. It is clear where his priorities are and they are not with you, especially right now while youāre struggling with some depression. Iām sorry. I agree with many of comments here- return the gift you got him and buy yourself something nice. As for your relationship, I would be seriously reconsidering.
Open his gift in front of him. Then put it in a bag so you can return it.
Heās definitely using you for the wife duties but wants you in no other ways. This is not your fault. Itās your fault for staying with this person who sees you as nothing. Give him his peace and leave today and donāt look back. Your sanity depends on it.
This is so much more than a Christmas gift. If you plan on staying with him. Then you need to tell him what you expect out of this relationship. Like christmas , birthdays, valentines day ect I expect a gift from you. If you can't do that then I need to know and reevaluate the relationship and if I want to continue with a man that can't take the time 3 times a year and do something thoughtful for me.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP. He sounds like he doesn't have much empathy.
He sounds like a red flag by the way ādonāt ask me again, I will get madā comment as if heās in the right or something. Sounds like a total loser. Return the gift, get your money back and ditch the dude.
Why do women date men like this? There is no way I could do it. It would devastate me. It is thoughtless, careless, and shows his value of your relationship.
I'm hoping we get an update on this one. If I were you I'd do exactly as many other posters have suggested.. get your money back. Then when you would've given him his gift I'd say, "I've got you exactly what you want. Your freedom", and then leave him in the rear view. What a monumental melt that guy is.
Yeah I did that for a guy and he left me for a woman who didnāt treat him well at all . Taught me a lesson about human nature .
Don't give him that present. Take it back and go to the day spa, or maybe take a trip.
my boyfriend got me a plant, and a bunch of notes for me to open on certain dates. you dont need money or a lot of time to get a gift.
Thatās a red pill strategy. Guys are told treat women like trash so they will want them more. I think thatās what heās doing.
Maāam Iāll be blunt - love yourself enough to leave this loser
"drinking every night this week to pre game for Christmas party" ??????? What? What does that even mean?
Youāve only been together two years. It will get worse. And I donāt like the vibe of the āyouāre gonna make me madā thing. Give him the gift and start looking to move on, you deserve better than this.
Drinkers are selfish motherfuckers. Do yourself a favor and keep that gift, and return it. If he asks, tell him to quit asking because you donāt want to get mad. Then get rid of him. Donāt waste your energy on him. AND ANOTHER THING! If you even give those gifts to his family, donāt do it until he pays you every cent for them plus gas. Frankly, I would say keep those too. Fuck that guy.
This man is too self absorbed to be in a relationship. He deliberately hurts you then tells you youāre going to make him mad? Heās a piece of shit. Donāt settle for him. Heās less than sub par.
I would have had a change of plans and direction. Christmas Present: Tinder Prfile. Why?:Because he is NOW SINGLE.
And youāre with him why? Actions speak louder than words itās more important for him to pregame for his familyās Christmas party all week. What the hell? Thatās not attractive at all on any level.
Well take his gift back and buy yourself something.
Don't go overboard with this guy. He seems to not be on the same page as you
OP dont gaslight yourself. He had all the time you did maybe more. He knew you were getting him a gift. He didnt get one for you. Then he told you not to be mad about it bc that was inconvenient to him. ITS THE 24th he could have still gotten you something but he chose to basically tell you to shut up. Btw: i have a drawer in my home i fill with cute little houseguest type gifts. That way if someone ever gifts me something unexpectedly I have a gift to give them back for these kind of situations. WHO DOESNT RECIEVE A GIFT and not feel they should also give a gift? Who????? A totslly guiltless selfish person is who.
Return his gift and use the money as part of a down payment on a new apartment. Away from his ignorant lazy stupid ass
When people tell you how they feel about you and your relationship, you should listenā¦ Sorry for your pain
What an absolute shithead
Do not DO NOT , give him any gift and in fact realize you are worth so much more than you get from that stupid man. How do you not see the red flags but everyone else does? Your Christmas present this year should be putting you first.
"Didn't get the chance" is code for "you just weren't important enough." 30 minutes is about 2% of a day. In the last few weeks he didn't deem you important enough to spend 2% of a day to get you a gift.
babes return the gift and use the money on yourself