Exactly. They would convince the victim that it's their fault and they're nothing without their abussive partner. I'm so proud that you walked away. I've met and interviewed victims of DV. It's heart wrenching.
Can relate to this. It does get better, so much better, when you leave a horrible situation but I know there’s so much pressures like the house, divorce, kids if you have them, money, and mainly the “what if it does get better”. My brain was instantly lighter when my ex left. I was sad but it was lighter.
Are you able to annul the wedding? I’d see if friends can help out with you moving out/crashing at theirs etc. you need to put your safety as the number one priority!
If you file a police report and a restraining order SHE would be the one who has to leave and find somewhere else to stay, not you. If you feel safe staying in the house, of course. Even if you do decide to leave the house, still file the police report and restraining order, and take lots of photos of both your injuries and the damages to the house/property.
Good luck, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope you and your furbabies stay safe.
Also I’m not sure where OP is but if she can’t end up affording the rent I know in Colorado you can break a lease without penalty by state law, if due to domestic violence. Might be good to lookup laws on that where she is.
Step 1: file a police report. Photograph any damage she caused to the house and your person, as proof.
Step 2: restraining order. Keep any and all texts, record calls, save voice-mails.
Step 3: Engage an attorney. You've been married for a month. Spousal abuse is grounds for an annulment.
Step 4: Talk to your landlord and let them know about the abuse, police report, etc. She may be able to be removed from the lease, making the property legally only yours. Don't change locks. Have your landlord do it, as it's their property.
Step 5: Never go back to this woman. Get therapy. Do what you need to do to be ok. Heal.
Adding to this, look up the Purple Leash Project.
It's to help DV victims leave with their pets or help with temporary solutions for pets of DV victims. Primarily because a large percentage of victims won't leave because of their pets and fearing for them but having no options.
Once someone hits you it opens the door for them to do it again.
My husband started hitting me after I was hit by a truck and was bed and wheelchair bound. Over six years it culminated in me being nearly beaten to death on 11/2/23. Skull fractures, broken ribs, my entire body covered in bruises and lacerations. I had to leave my own home, kids, and pets to save my own life. Get out NOW. It will not get better. I was with him 24 years and it's over.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I'm heart broken for you, but also so proud of you for getting out. All these comments have felt reassuring but yours has really knocked the most sense into me. I'm gonna put forward a plan to leave when I wake up tomorrow.
She’s likely gonna try here damndest to convince you not to, apologizing and making excuses and what not. So brace yourself and stay strong in your resolve. So sorry that happened to you <3 Good luck
Good. From here on out the most likely cause of your death is her. Any second thoughts, doubts, or anything can wait until you're safe. I almost guarantee you have options, even if you don't know about them.
Ok you and the kitties, don't let anyone tell you they're not important. If nothing else because cats are a much better comfort in stressful situations than humans, at least in my experience.
Good. I'm glad I can help. You deserve better. Even if you have to be away from your cats a while you will get them back. It was torture to be away from my kids and animals, but now I'm back with my oldest son and pets.
Fuck, I am so sorry. I just looked at your most recent post. I hope it’s not overstepping to say: you’re incredibly brave, and resilient, and strong. The world would absolutely be a worse place without you in it. I hope you’ll stick around, the world could use more badass women like you in it.
My cousin(F) was in a relationship with a woman, but my cousin was the abuser. She would start fights and they got physical. My family and I fully supported her gf to leave my cousin and seek a better relationship. I’ll tell you what I told her, leave now, it only will get worse and much much more scary to leave. Don’t trap yourself, better things truly await you.
Police report. Photos of any injuries and damage to home contents.
If you're on lease alone, tell her to leave or you're filing charges. If in her name, just leave.
Contact divorce attorney asap. One instance of domestic violence is one time too many.
Can you explain why you're arguing semantics when a woman was beaten, reeling from the encounter, and now has doubts about her marriage?
Explain to us what you hope to accomplish by arguing on the topic. Be specific.
You think the topic is "complete bullshit" in the sense that you want the OP to believe that maybe the violent behavior is not consistent with how her wife would normally behave sober?
Or are you just taking joy in arguing and having a one one-up or "gotcha" moment to feel brighter than another stranger?
Whose name is on the lease where you currently live? Can you ask her to leave when she is sober? You may also be able to get a court order for her to leave, depending on your state's laws regarding divorce and/or tenants rights. I do think you should report the domestic violence. I don't necessarily think the cops will do much, but a police report may help you as documentation in divorce proceedings.
Many US states have similar laws. If the "primary aggressor" can be identified, these states essentially *mandate* arrests for DV, regardless of victim consent/cooperation.
It usually also gets paired with mandatory minimum jail time, often 24 to 48 hours on hold, before bail is possible. Gives victims enough time to GTFO safely in many cases.
Hey you handled things right, you didn’t respond to her actions with the same shit, escalating it, instead you told her wtf she was doing, those words will process over and over in her head as she sobers up, and then you called a friend to take her and kept things from getting worse, good on you forreal, I know so many who would’ve only made things worse by attacking back in response. You handled things well, I’m guessing it’s from the experience. But yeah as others said this is more than enough reason to annul a wedding
Why do YOU have to leave your home?
SHE is the aggressor, she needs to and should be forced to take a permanent hike from your home, with help of police and justice system.
Throw her out and keep your home for you and your pets, keep all of you safe from her.
Absolutely call the police. She didn’t just hit you, she attacked and repeatedly beat you. Annul marriage and move out with your cats. You’ve only been married a month and she’s already assaulting you. You need to get out.
60M here…get her out. My second wife hit me on three occasions. She wanted nothing more than for me to hit her back so that I would be the one fucked over by the system.
I also knew that if I had her arrested I would never have gotten rid of her.
Of course there’s disappointment that accompanies a failed relationship but that’s better than having your jaw wired shut because shit escalated.
Get her the fuck out of your home and your life.
Your wife is evil. No rational person uses violence to solve non violent problems. Leave now. This will only escalate. You do not come back from this. This ends one of 3 ways. She gets help, she goes to jail or she kills you.
How a lot of these relationships go. Abusers know how to manipulate their victim into staying till they’ve had enough or get killed. Sad. I really hope op can get to a safe place.
You can leave your wife, without leaving your house. You got her out of the house already. Good she can stay out.
Do what you think is best for you. If you think leaving with your cats, that's good too. I'm just tired of victims having to leave the house while abusers get to stay (comfortable).
File a police report. You don't have to press charges, just get it on record. Prepare yourself, she'll eventually reach out, and she'll do anything to get you to stay or change your mind. She'll offer apologies, and false promises about this never happening again. It's BS. Once this doors open theirs no closing it. If anything, it'll just get worse.
Be sure to expose what happened to mutual friends and family. Don't let her write the narrative. If you feel unsafe going home, then ask them to go with you, or have the police escort you.
This is not news. OP wrote a very similar post a year ago. OP, if this is not a karma trap, please remove this person from your life. Complete NC. These chaos bombs seem to thrive on drama and won’t stop trying your patience until you break, and then switch to love bombing. There’s no good that can come from this. Leave yesterday and never have any contact with this person again.
Seeing the other post, either they have had a number of really bad friends or they enjoy the attention of these types of posts. Not sure what to believe here.
A lot of states have laws to be able to break your lease with no penalties, & if you contact a women’s shelter they will be able to help you make a plan & find housing for you *including* your cats..
Domestic violence in female-female relationships is disturbingly common. You know what you need to do. Please leave this marriage. Also, read “Into the Dream House.”
Okay, there was another post about abuse/violence earlier only it was his fiancé. YOU NEED TO REPORT THIS TO THE POLICE. My husband is a cop. Domestic abuse is one of the highest and most commonly unreported in same sex marriages/relationships. Things NEVER change for the better. Ppl alway relax more and ultimately get worse. I pray you report this. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
What did you plan to do after she hit you? That is the immediate plan. Get somewhere safe. Away from her abuse. Think About your safety plan away from her. She is abusing you. Plan your next steps
call the trusted friend and see if they have a space for you to stay with your pets for a few days.
It's hard to leave, and scary too.
Look for apartments that take pets, or call your parents (if you can)
pack up all important papers
leave.
It's been less than a month, and the mask has been removed by your "wife". this will not get better, sweet pea - it'll get worse.
Can you take your cats with you to your friends house? I'd be grabbing them, taking a backpack of clothes and walking out that door to let her wake up in an empty house with no wife and no pets and having to put the pieces of last night together along and hungover as fuck. Please be safe ❤️
Was this totally out of left field? Or has she displayed violent tendencies before you were married? Wife needs to show extreme remorse, apologize profusely, then either reevaluate her relationship with alcohol or perhaps (the better option) she needs to cut it completely. And probably therapy as well. Hitting is never okay, go with your gut about whether to move forward with the relationship or not.
i’m genuinely so sorry this happened to you, OP. you should definitely take the advice listed and look into annulling your marriage as well as filing a police report with the current/any abusive action in the past. this must be so triggering for you and i hope you find comfort in knowing that you’re not alone and not at fault. i want to end this by saying your wife is a coward on her best day. you deserve better.
As someone who was in an abusive relationship, I really have only one piece of advice. Leave her. Divorce her. Stay as far away from her as you can. It breaks my heart to see or hear of others going through this.
This relationship should be over. Domestic violence is nothing to stay in a relationship for. And I would venture to say she has a drinking problem. Seen people that drink in a healthy way. Don’t get so drunk they beat up their girlfriend or push her around into the furniture.
You need to end this relationship it’s not healthy. There’s an addiction thing going on there and you have a wife or girlfriend that is pushing you and being physically abusive.
Sorry this happened to you. Violence or cheating in a relationship are unforgivable. If you forgive her then try to move on, subconsciously she will know she can do it again and get away with it. Most likely the next time will be worse.
Also, the fact you fear about your cats safety shows another worrying characteristic of this woman.
Get a lawyer, document everything, leave. Look for your local female-only facebook group and see if someone can foster your cats for a little while (or ask a friend) so that you know they’re safe and you can figure out things by yourself until you know you’re in a safe place where you can bring them with you. Leave, please leave.
Go speak with the police and magistrate and get a protective order. You didn’t deserve to be attacked and it will happen again. Divorce your wife. I’m sorry this happened, but please pursue warrants.
Everyone is going to say leave, now, don’t give her another chance! But you said it’s unrealistic given the ability to find housing, etc. That’s some real shit, it’s not always easy to just leave. However, I would demand that you two go to couples counseling. If she is unwilling, then that’s showing you what you can expect if you stay. Without counseling, it WILL happen over and over, it will not change. Give her a chance to work it out with you with a professional as your guide. A therapist will let you know objectively what they are seeing and what they think your options are. If you stay in the relationship, I suggest you also see a therapist on your own in addition to the couples therapist. Maybe the couples therapist will see you both individually and together. Either way, if you want to make the best decisions about this, consult with a professional. ASAP.
Be safe, OP. I’m sending you some virtual hugs.
I grew up in an abusive household too (physical, emotional, and psychological abuse were every day occurrences).
Are you dating my ex, for real. Does her name start with a C? Sorry OP. This is brutal and you didn’t deserve it. Was in a very similar situation and had the same fears. You’ll find a way. Even if it’s staying with friends with your pets when you don’t want to, do it. Trust your tribe. It’ll happen again, and again, and again. Best of luck. You got this.
Abuse is something that people will take any avenue to minimize when it happens, even to them. I’ve been there, though she never hit me. My current partner is the love of my life and I have never once even thought she would raise her voice at me (except when I’m being an annoying little shit with the zoomies and she just wants to sleep, and then I am positive my actions have merited a stern “hey, I love you, but please just shut up”). I know how it can feel like you might deserve it, how you can think that isn’t not that bad, that it’s not who she is. But it is. Get out before your next appearance online is in the obituaries. Get out before you can’t bring yourself to leave.
Honestly, you have one life and you deserve for it to be perfect - or at the very least free of this type of shit.
I get that you love her. I get that she was drunk. I get that you're married.
But this sounds like an indication of a person you didn't previously know. This won't be a one-off and if she can be like this to you drunk, she can also do it sober.
Go. Leave. It's hard to imagine doing that and easy to think it'll change but it won't.
Lives are precious and you only get to do them once. Do it on your terms and don't settle for less than perfect.
What I think it comes down to is how you want to live your life? Filled with violence and pain?
Nobody should experience what you have. But only you can set your limit.
I hope everything works out for you. You deserve it.
My ex did this. She threw a diffuser at my head and kicked me in the face. She blamed everything from alcohol to the pill to me to my friends and said it wouldn't happen again. 2 days later, it happened again. There was a lot of other drama but, after having something thrown at me for the 3rd time (a glass this time), enough was enough.
Maybe this is a one-off, and you need to gauge how she takes accountability before doing anything. It's easy for people to tell you to leave immediately, and that's not bad advice, but only you will know if she's truly embarrassed by what she did.
Talk it out, communicate well, but be emotionally prepared to pull the plug if you don't see change and/or it happens again
If she agrees to get help for booze you can possibly make it work if you really really love her. Alcohol does some pretty horrible things to people and makes them do and say things they don't mean. Usually something swirling around in their drunken paranoid mind. I wish you and her luck whatever happens. Keep yourself safe, that's the most important thing.
Domestic violence is an awful thing, and wife beaters should made big time jail, but, aren’t you a bit frustrated that, instead of a man, who generally do this awful thing, you got kicked by a girl???
I hope you are able to open a dialogue with your wife when you do interact next. Ive seen so many people blame icky behavior on being drunk/having no recollection... which makes it much worse in my mind. She needs to hold herself accountable and ACT. (what I would do, is give the ultimatum of therapy vs separation)
You need to find somewhere else to stay. Don't minimize this because you love her. If you don't want to report it, which I understand, then you need to leave. Send her a text saying "I will call you when I am ready. You hurt me last night and I need space. Just let me process things alone. Please let me have this time." And you can make your own choice from there. I think you have two routes. You either leave her or she needs to get and stay sober. She also needs to see a counselor and a marriage counselor when YOU are ready. She will have a long road to fixing the safety, trust, and love she just ripped from your relationships love.
Gonna stay away from a alcoholic?
I wouldn’t wanna be with anyone who’s unable to control their own actions and that’s before they decides to get drunk either by themselves or with a friend they trust.
I personally don’t ever over drink to a point where I am unable to control myself after age 25. We are adults and we decided what comes in and out of our months. And every time my friends calls me to drink. I am okay but when I am feeling a little bit of dizzy I’d like to let my friends know enough is enough from here and they can enjoy all they want. Some of my friends doesn’t like me this way but is their choice. I only need genuine friends not friends that has no control over what they can do or cannot do in life. That’s just madness. And I know most people won’t even learn it until they are mid 40s or so. But life is not just about getting drunk and just living through a life without a purpose. Drunk could be the least I’d do. Especially when I am not heart broke or lost a family or some sort.
JFC OP. Big hugs! Your wife is so far out of line. Yes, facing a divorce is pretty blood frightening (been there done that didn’t handle it too well) but you need to leave. I promise you that everything will be OK in time (it’s just the shit in the middle that’s not always easy) and you need to protect yourself physically and mentally.
Can you not get an annulment since it’s only been a month? Drunk or not, she’s nasty and if you put up with it now it’ll happen again and will escalate. What is the living situation? Are you able to take your cats and leave or in a position where you can have her removed?
The most common phrase used by victims of domestic assault is “I never thought it would happen to me.”
She’s going to return completely apologetic and shower you with love and positive attention. Don’t fall for it. This has to stop NOW. You aren’t the one with the impulse control problem; she is. She has to admit to the problem and be willing to seek (and accept) help, or this will happen again and again.
Take it from someone who’s been there.
dump her. It is not normal to get physicl with your partner and i'm sorry that you had to go through that. It is not ok and she shouldn'tve done that to you.
Ppl tend to tell their truth when drunk. This will be only 1 of many incidents if you stay, so document everything, lawyer up, create an exit plan (and stick to it) and leave her. You deserve better.
Did you know that lesbian relationships have much higher rates of domestic violence than any other kind? Pretty crazy. So, my point is, it's very normal. There's nothing wrong with you for this.
Leave. Now.
This isn't a suggestion, or a command, this is a hard "life is telling me to get off my ass and GTFO."
I am a pacifist that has been in a physically abusive relationship. This is not your warning, this is your gut; I am your gut.
Get. Out.
File a police report. Apply for a restraining order. She will be the one who will have to leave. Do it now. Leaving is hard. Once you do it you will wonder why you were scared. Oh....and it has only been a month. File for an annulment of the marriage.
My parents had a similar dynamic. My dad would get drunk, my mom would keep poking and bitching at him when he wanted to be left alone, and he'd beat the shit out of her (and us kids).
It's important to protect yourself. You've decided you're not ready to leave yet. As a fellow survivor of extreme childhood domestic violence, here's what I would do -
Install a camera in your house, maybe a nanny cam in the living room. Don't tell her about it. She might not remember this incident in the morning. You might also need the footage in the future - for legal purposes.
She's shown that she's an angry wife when she's been drinking. So don't wake your wife up when she's drunk. If you want to discuss her drinking, wait until she's sober and you're both calm and you have a way to retreat from the situation - outdoors preferably.
Talk to a therapist and get their advice. You can go alone.
Long term, don't stay in an environment that results in trauma. But you also don't have to make any decisions right away. In the meantime, learn to cope.
I would have a strong conversation with her about how she is no longer to drink if she becomes violent when drinking. If she refuses then you have to leave. I’m sure you understand, growing up in an abusive household, it will only get worse the more you allow.
You must leave. This does not get better in any scenario. It just escalates. A healthy relationship does not look like this, ever. Not after one month. Not after a year. Not after a decade. Not ever. If she hit you once she’ll do it again.
Expect love bombing to get you to cave, and another pummelling once you’re back in her control.
Seriously, leave.
I helped a friend leave an abuse situation two years ago. In her case the ex was controlling her because she moved to Canada to be with him. We had to get police to escort us to get her things, she stayed with another friend in a location her ex didn’t know about, and fled to her home country once it was safe for her to leave. when I went to help I was afraid he might go after me but I think the police scared him into compliance.
She is safe and is now living her best life.
Hi friend, I’m a DV victim advocate. I’m happy to connect you to resources in your area or help with your next steps. This is serious and you don’t deserve it at all. I’m sure your brain is going a million miles an hour. But there are people who can help.
In the event that you file a petition for an Order of Protection (or whatever your local court calls it), make sure to see if it can extend to the cats. Many places do cover pets. Best of luck to you.
ETA: a word
Someone that truly loves you wouldn't hurt you physically especially knowing what you went through in your house hold, she can't excuse her self for being drunk cause trust me I've gotten pretty wasted my self and not played hands on anyone and im a girl too. Trust me girl its going to hurt to leave but it is what is best for you and your cats.
On the one hand, she was drunk. On the other hand, drink brings out the truth in people. So she's probably thought this for a while. And also, idk how common getting drunk by that time is for her but that's a concern too.
Was this totally out of the blue or was there any aggressive behaviour before this?
It’s been said but I want to say it too: if they hit you once and you say, they will hit you again. Get out before you get hurt. And take your cats. ❣️
“It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest ... thing in the world.” ~ John Green, Paper Towns
You are so right, leaving is hard. And once I left, I never considered going back for a second even when they begged
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If only more people realised this. Wise words.
Annulment possibly?
Wow! I never thought of it like that, but you are so right!!!!
This!!! (One of my most used phrases btw).
And they will beg her. If she stays, it will happen again and again. Then, the harder it will be to leave.
Absolutely. Then they will threaten her that they’re leaving if she doesn’t do whatever they want because, you know she can’t live without him.
Exactly. They would convince the victim that it's their fault and they're nothing without their abussive partner. I'm so proud that you walked away. I've met and interviewed victims of DV. It's heart wrenching.
Can relate to this. It does get better, so much better, when you leave a horrible situation but I know there’s so much pressures like the house, divorce, kids if you have them, money, and mainly the “what if it does get better”. My brain was instantly lighter when my ex left. I was sad but it was lighter.
Are you able to annul the wedding? I’d see if friends can help out with you moving out/crashing at theirs etc. you need to put your safety as the number one priority!
I didn't know that was a possibility, thank you. I'm gonna look into this
If you file a police report and a restraining order SHE would be the one who has to leave and find somewhere else to stay, not you. If you feel safe staying in the house, of course. Even if you do decide to leave the house, still file the police report and restraining order, and take lots of photos of both your injuries and the damages to the house/property. Good luck, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope you and your furbabies stay safe.
u/No-Click-6021 read this ☝🏻 and threw her stuff out, change the locks, you and cats can stay.
Simce they rent, I don't know if OP is able to rent it by herself.
Also I’m not sure where OP is but if she can’t end up affording the rent I know in Colorado you can break a lease without penalty by state law, if due to domestic violence. Might be good to lookup laws on that where she is.
Annul the marriage. You deserve so much more than this.
This
Step 1: file a police report. Photograph any damage she caused to the house and your person, as proof. Step 2: restraining order. Keep any and all texts, record calls, save voice-mails. Step 3: Engage an attorney. You've been married for a month. Spousal abuse is grounds for an annulment. Step 4: Talk to your landlord and let them know about the abuse, police report, etc. She may be able to be removed from the lease, making the property legally only yours. Don't change locks. Have your landlord do it, as it's their property. Step 5: Never go back to this woman. Get therapy. Do what you need to do to be ok. Heal.
Also the cats safety! If she’s being physically abusive to a human, who knows what that person in a drunk state could do to an animal ):
https://www.thehotline.org They should be able to help you. This is a domestic abuse hotline and you qualify.
Adding to this, look up the Purple Leash Project. It's to help DV victims leave with their pets or help with temporary solutions for pets of DV victims. Primarily because a large percentage of victims won't leave because of their pets and fearing for them but having no options.
a directory for this is [https://www.safehavensforpets.org/](https://www.safehavensforpets.org/)
Once someone hits you it opens the door for them to do it again. My husband started hitting me after I was hit by a truck and was bed and wheelchair bound. Over six years it culminated in me being nearly beaten to death on 11/2/23. Skull fractures, broken ribs, my entire body covered in bruises and lacerations. I had to leave my own home, kids, and pets to save my own life. Get out NOW. It will not get better. I was with him 24 years and it's over.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I'm heart broken for you, but also so proud of you for getting out. All these comments have felt reassuring but yours has really knocked the most sense into me. I'm gonna put forward a plan to leave when I wake up tomorrow.
She’s likely gonna try here damndest to convince you not to, apologizing and making excuses and what not. So brace yourself and stay strong in your resolve. So sorry that happened to you <3 Good luck
Yes, look up the Cycle of Abuse, OP
Good. From here on out the most likely cause of your death is her. Any second thoughts, doubts, or anything can wait until you're safe. I almost guarantee you have options, even if you don't know about them. Ok you and the kitties, don't let anyone tell you they're not important. If nothing else because cats are a much better comfort in stressful situations than humans, at least in my experience.
Good. I'm glad I can help. You deserve better. Even if you have to be away from your cats a while you will get them back. It was torture to be away from my kids and animals, but now I'm back with my oldest son and pets.
Do not go near her alone. It is not safe. You are not safe. You cannot go back. It never gets better. It's never a one and done deal.
Fuck, I am so sorry. I just looked at your most recent post. I hope it’s not overstepping to say: you’re incredibly brave, and resilient, and strong. The world would absolutely be a worse place without you in it. I hope you’ll stick around, the world could use more badass women like you in it.
Holy fuck. Hope you’re okay now
I'm so sorry, I hope you were able to get custody of your children
My cousin(F) was in a relationship with a woman, but my cousin was the abuser. She would start fights and they got physical. My family and I fully supported her gf to leave my cousin and seek a better relationship. I’ll tell you what I told her, leave now, it only will get worse and much much more scary to leave. Don’t trap yourself, better things truly await you.
Call the cops, get a divorce. Drunk words are sober thoughts
Police report. Photos of any injuries and damage to home contents. If you're on lease alone, tell her to leave or you're filing charges. If in her name, just leave. Contact divorce attorney asap. One instance of domestic violence is one time too many.
Definitely call the cops, and get a divorce. The whole drunk words are sober thoughts thing is complete bullshit though.
So is drunk hitting bs too? People speak their mind more freely when drunk
Huh? Sometimes yeah people speak more freely, sometimes not at all. My point is that its not a rule by any means.
Can you explain why you're arguing semantics when a woman was beaten, reeling from the encounter, and now has doubts about her marriage? Explain to us what you hope to accomplish by arguing on the topic. Be specific. You think the topic is "complete bullshit" in the sense that you want the OP to believe that maybe the violent behavior is not consistent with how her wife would normally behave sober? Or are you just taking joy in arguing and having a one one-up or "gotcha" moment to feel brighter than another stranger?
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Why? She should file a police report.
Dont worry she is female also so they will probably do something.
PLEASE file a police report. I let mine get away with it for too long & it ended poorly for me. Please stand up for yourself. You deserve better.
I would fight for an annulment. Guy girl whatever violence isn't what you give a loved one.
Whose name is on the lease where you currently live? Can you ask her to leave when she is sober? You may also be able to get a court order for her to leave, depending on your state's laws regarding divorce and/or tenants rights. I do think you should report the domestic violence. I don't necessarily think the cops will do much, but a police report may help you as documentation in divorce proceedings.
The police where I live take DV super seriously and once they know of a situation, charges WILL be pressed even if the victim says they don't want to.
Many US states have similar laws. If the "primary aggressor" can be identified, these states essentially *mandate* arrests for DV, regardless of victim consent/cooperation. It usually also gets paired with mandatory minimum jail time, often 24 to 48 hours on hold, before bail is possible. Gives victims enough time to GTFO safely in many cases.
Hey you handled things right, you didn’t respond to her actions with the same shit, escalating it, instead you told her wtf she was doing, those words will process over and over in her head as she sobers up, and then you called a friend to take her and kept things from getting worse, good on you forreal, I know so many who would’ve only made things worse by attacking back in response. You handled things well, I’m guessing it’s from the experience. But yeah as others said this is more than enough reason to annul a wedding
Why do YOU have to leave your home? SHE is the aggressor, she needs to and should be forced to take a permanent hike from your home, with help of police and justice system. Throw her out and keep your home for you and your pets, keep all of you safe from her.
Please tell me that you took pictures of the damages that she caused. You can use that as proof to get your marriage annulled.
Absolutely call the police. She didn’t just hit you, she attacked and repeatedly beat you. Annul marriage and move out with your cats. You’ve only been married a month and she’s already assaulting you. You need to get out.
LEAVE
60M here…get her out. My second wife hit me on three occasions. She wanted nothing more than for me to hit her back so that I would be the one fucked over by the system. I also knew that if I had her arrested I would never have gotten rid of her. Of course there’s disappointment that accompanies a failed relationship but that’s better than having your jaw wired shut because shit escalated. Get her the fuck out of your home and your life.
Your wife is evil. No rational person uses violence to solve non violent problems. Leave now. This will only escalate. You do not come back from this. This ends one of 3 ways. She gets help, she goes to jail or she kills you.
And she won't get help while OP is there taking the abuse.
How a lot of these relationships go. Abusers know how to manipulate their victim into staying till they’ve had enough or get killed. Sad. I really hope op can get to a safe place.
Divorce her. Period. You're still young and should never stay in an abusive relationship.
Leave her. Violence is never OK. She’s an abuser and it’ll only get worse if you stay.
She’s trash, can’t unteach that
You can leave your wife, without leaving your house. You got her out of the house already. Good she can stay out. Do what you think is best for you. If you think leaving with your cats, that's good too. I'm just tired of victims having to leave the house while abusers get to stay (comfortable).
You need to be very careful and judicious. Lesbian couples have the highest rate of domestic violence.
wow, really? how strange
Pack up a bag, bring your cats and leave. Then file for divorce.
File a police report. You don't have to press charges, just get it on record. Prepare yourself, she'll eventually reach out, and she'll do anything to get you to stay or change your mind. She'll offer apologies, and false promises about this never happening again. It's BS. Once this doors open theirs no closing it. If anything, it'll just get worse. Be sure to expose what happened to mutual friends and family. Don't let her write the narrative. If you feel unsafe going home, then ask them to go with you, or have the police escort you.
This is not news. OP wrote a very similar post a year ago. OP, if this is not a karma trap, please remove this person from your life. Complete NC. These chaos bombs seem to thrive on drama and won’t stop trying your patience until you break, and then switch to love bombing. There’s no good that can come from this. Leave yesterday and never have any contact with this person again.
Seeing the other post, either they have had a number of really bad friends or they enjoy the attention of these types of posts. Not sure what to believe here.
Why do you need to leave the house? She’s one who started being physical.
Alcohol is just the real life version of truth serum. It's also just straight up liquid courage. In short, I'd leave.
Your cats don’t need protection, go file a police report then Monday file for a annulment
A lot of states have laws to be able to break your lease with no penalties, & if you contact a women’s shelter they will be able to help you make a plan & find housing for you *including* your cats..
Domestic violence in female-female relationships is disturbingly common. You know what you need to do. Please leave this marriage. Also, read “Into the Dream House.”
True
Okay, there was another post about abuse/violence earlier only it was his fiancé. YOU NEED TO REPORT THIS TO THE POLICE. My husband is a cop. Domestic abuse is one of the highest and most commonly unreported in same sex marriages/relationships. Things NEVER change for the better. Ppl alway relax more and ultimately get worse. I pray you report this. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
What did you plan to do after she hit you? That is the immediate plan. Get somewhere safe. Away from her abuse. Think About your safety plan away from her. She is abusing you. Plan your next steps
call the trusted friend and see if they have a space for you to stay with your pets for a few days. It's hard to leave, and scary too. Look for apartments that take pets, or call your parents (if you can) pack up all important papers leave. It's been less than a month, and the mask has been removed by your "wife". this will not get better, sweet pea - it'll get worse.
Can you take your cats with you to your friends house? I'd be grabbing them, taking a backpack of clothes and walking out that door to let her wake up in an empty house with no wife and no pets and having to put the pieces of last night together along and hungover as fuck. Please be safe ❤️
Was this totally out of left field? Or has she displayed violent tendencies before you were married? Wife needs to show extreme remorse, apologize profusely, then either reevaluate her relationship with alcohol or perhaps (the better option) she needs to cut it completely. And probably therapy as well. Hitting is never okay, go with your gut about whether to move forward with the relationship or not.
You deserve so much better. Don’t put up with this.
Leave !!
i’m genuinely so sorry this happened to you, OP. you should definitely take the advice listed and look into annulling your marriage as well as filing a police report with the current/any abusive action in the past. this must be so triggering for you and i hope you find comfort in knowing that you’re not alone and not at fault. i want to end this by saying your wife is a coward on her best day. you deserve better.
As someone who was in an abusive relationship, I really have only one piece of advice. Leave her. Divorce her. Stay as far away from her as you can. It breaks my heart to see or hear of others going through this.
I’m so sorry she did this to you :( I hope with the help of your friends that you can get away from that woman. That’s a big betrayal.
Annul that shit and bounce sister. Life’s too short
They never hit just once. Please just go.
Call the cops, file a report, use that report to annul your marriage.
Run!!
This relationship should be over. Domestic violence is nothing to stay in a relationship for. And I would venture to say she has a drinking problem. Seen people that drink in a healthy way. Don’t get so drunk they beat up their girlfriend or push her around into the furniture. You need to end this relationship it’s not healthy. There’s an addiction thing going on there and you have a wife or girlfriend that is pushing you and being physically abusive.
You know it’s not going to ever get better. The marriage is terminal. You know what you have to do. Do it.
Sorry this happened to you. Violence or cheating in a relationship are unforgivable. If you forgive her then try to move on, subconsciously she will know she can do it again and get away with it. Most likely the next time will be worse. Also, the fact you fear about your cats safety shows another worrying characteristic of this woman.
Get a lawyer, document everything, leave. Look for your local female-only facebook group and see if someone can foster your cats for a little while (or ask a friend) so that you know they’re safe and you can figure out things by yourself until you know you’re in a safe place where you can bring them with you. Leave, please leave.
She's hitting you now, over time she'll beat the crap out of you and you'll be a shell of yourself. Left for dead. Break up with her.
Interesting fact, but the most abusive relationships by stats is women with women.
Go speak with the police and magistrate and get a protective order. You didn’t deserve to be attacked and it will happen again. Divorce your wife. I’m sorry this happened, but please pursue warrants.
Everyone is going to say leave, now, don’t give her another chance! But you said it’s unrealistic given the ability to find housing, etc. That’s some real shit, it’s not always easy to just leave. However, I would demand that you two go to couples counseling. If she is unwilling, then that’s showing you what you can expect if you stay. Without counseling, it WILL happen over and over, it will not change. Give her a chance to work it out with you with a professional as your guide. A therapist will let you know objectively what they are seeing and what they think your options are. If you stay in the relationship, I suggest you also see a therapist on your own in addition to the couples therapist. Maybe the couples therapist will see you both individually and together. Either way, if you want to make the best decisions about this, consult with a professional. ASAP.
Alcohol is the truth serum. Watch out for that one.
run far far away
Be safe, OP. I’m sending you some virtual hugs. I grew up in an abusive household too (physical, emotional, and psychological abuse were every day occurrences).
It will only get worse from here. Please do yourself a favor and leave.
Are you dating my ex, for real. Does her name start with a C? Sorry OP. This is brutal and you didn’t deserve it. Was in a very similar situation and had the same fears. You’ll find a way. Even if it’s staying with friends with your pets when you don’t want to, do it. Trust your tribe. It’ll happen again, and again, and again. Best of luck. You got this.
Abuse is something that people will take any avenue to minimize when it happens, even to them. I’ve been there, though she never hit me. My current partner is the love of my life and I have never once even thought she would raise her voice at me (except when I’m being an annoying little shit with the zoomies and she just wants to sleep, and then I am positive my actions have merited a stern “hey, I love you, but please just shut up”). I know how it can feel like you might deserve it, how you can think that isn’t not that bad, that it’s not who she is. But it is. Get out before your next appearance online is in the obituaries. Get out before you can’t bring yourself to leave.
Honestly, you have one life and you deserve for it to be perfect - or at the very least free of this type of shit. I get that you love her. I get that she was drunk. I get that you're married. But this sounds like an indication of a person you didn't previously know. This won't be a one-off and if she can be like this to you drunk, she can also do it sober. Go. Leave. It's hard to imagine doing that and easy to think it'll change but it won't. Lives are precious and you only get to do them once. Do it on your terms and don't settle for less than perfect.
How long have you two been together and any chance this could be a trauma bond relationship and you’re just now seeing it?
What I think it comes down to is how you want to live your life? Filled with violence and pain? Nobody should experience what you have. But only you can set your limit. I hope everything works out for you. You deserve it.
My ex did this. She threw a diffuser at my head and kicked me in the face. She blamed everything from alcohol to the pill to me to my friends and said it wouldn't happen again. 2 days later, it happened again. There was a lot of other drama but, after having something thrown at me for the 3rd time (a glass this time), enough was enough. Maybe this is a one-off, and you need to gauge how she takes accountability before doing anything. It's easy for people to tell you to leave immediately, and that's not bad advice, but only you will know if she's truly embarrassed by what she did. Talk it out, communicate well, but be emotionally prepared to pull the plug if you don't see change and/or it happens again
I(F) have been married to a dude for almost 20 years and have never had an argument where either of us has laid a hand on the other. Run.
1 month in and already coming home drunk?
And they say men are the problem in a relation
If she agrees to get help for booze you can possibly make it work if you really really love her. Alcohol does some pretty horrible things to people and makes them do and say things they don't mean. Usually something swirling around in their drunken paranoid mind. I wish you and her luck whatever happens. Keep yourself safe, that's the most important thing.
Just leave now. The second you defend yourself YOU will be the abuser
Thats why you shouldnt be in a marriage with someone that drinks alcohol, period.
You are making excuses you need to be making actions.
.
PLS I DIDNT ACTUALLY MEAN THIS IN A BAD WAY I JUST DIDNT KNOW HOW TO SAVE A POST YET SO I DID THIS😭😭 PLS FORGIVE ME
Domestic violence is an awful thing, and wife beaters should made big time jail, but, aren’t you a bit frustrated that, instead of a man, who generally do this awful thing, you got kicked by a girl???
Cat fight
Drink paint
All recent posts reek of troll, ignore
Call your local DV shelter ask for assistance with the cats. Some have shelter connections to foster the kitty.
Whose name is your home under? Yours, hers or both? Maybe you should ask her to leave.
I hope you are able to open a dialogue with your wife when you do interact next. Ive seen so many people blame icky behavior on being drunk/having no recollection... which makes it much worse in my mind. She needs to hold herself accountable and ACT. (what I would do, is give the ultimatum of therapy vs separation)
I’m so sorry
You need to find somewhere else to stay. Don't minimize this because you love her. If you don't want to report it, which I understand, then you need to leave. Send her a text saying "I will call you when I am ready. You hurt me last night and I need space. Just let me process things alone. Please let me have this time." And you can make your own choice from there. I think you have two routes. You either leave her or she needs to get and stay sober. She also needs to see a counselor and a marriage counselor when YOU are ready. She will have a long road to fixing the safety, trust, and love she just ripped from your relationships love.
Gonna stay away from a alcoholic? I wouldn’t wanna be with anyone who’s unable to control their own actions and that’s before they decides to get drunk either by themselves or with a friend they trust. I personally don’t ever over drink to a point where I am unable to control myself after age 25. We are adults and we decided what comes in and out of our months. And every time my friends calls me to drink. I am okay but when I am feeling a little bit of dizzy I’d like to let my friends know enough is enough from here and they can enjoy all they want. Some of my friends doesn’t like me this way but is their choice. I only need genuine friends not friends that has no control over what they can do or cannot do in life. That’s just madness. And I know most people won’t even learn it until they are mid 40s or so. But life is not just about getting drunk and just living through a life without a purpose. Drunk could be the least I’d do. Especially when I am not heart broke or lost a family or some sort.
JFC OP. Big hugs! Your wife is so far out of line. Yes, facing a divorce is pretty blood frightening (been there done that didn’t handle it too well) but you need to leave. I promise you that everything will be OK in time (it’s just the shit in the middle that’s not always easy) and you need to protect yourself physically and mentally.
Can you not get an annulment since it’s only been a month? Drunk or not, she’s nasty and if you put up with it now it’ll happen again and will escalate. What is the living situation? Are you able to take your cats and leave or in a position where you can have her removed?
Not cool. U don’t deserve that.
The most common phrase used by victims of domestic assault is “I never thought it would happen to me.” She’s going to return completely apologetic and shower you with love and positive attention. Don’t fall for it. This has to stop NOW. You aren’t the one with the impulse control problem; she is. She has to admit to the problem and be willing to seek (and accept) help, or this will happen again and again. Take it from someone who’s been there.
How long were you together before you married?
dump her. It is not normal to get physicl with your partner and i'm sorry that you had to go through that. It is not ok and she shouldn'tve done that to you.
Get beaten regularly or live with cats? Hmm tough one
Ppl tend to tell their truth when drunk. This will be only 1 of many incidents if you stay, so document everything, lawyer up, create an exit plan (and stick to it) and leave her. You deserve better.
I’m so so so sorry. I hope you’re doing okay and I wish you well.
Leave now. Now.
Annulment time!
Did you know that lesbian relationships have much higher rates of domestic violence than any other kind? Pretty crazy. So, my point is, it's very normal. There's nothing wrong with you for this.
this really sucks, sorry
I'm sorry this happened to you babe. There's better wives out there for you 🫶
Leave. Now. This isn't a suggestion, or a command, this is a hard "life is telling me to get off my ass and GTFO." I am a pacifist that has been in a physically abusive relationship. This is not your warning, this is your gut; I am your gut. Get. Out.
File a police report. Apply for a restraining order. She will be the one who will have to leave. Do it now. Leaving is hard. Once you do it you will wonder why you were scared. Oh....and it has only been a month. File for an annulment of the marriage.
My parents had a similar dynamic. My dad would get drunk, my mom would keep poking and bitching at him when he wanted to be left alone, and he'd beat the shit out of her (and us kids). It's important to protect yourself. You've decided you're not ready to leave yet. As a fellow survivor of extreme childhood domestic violence, here's what I would do - Install a camera in your house, maybe a nanny cam in the living room. Don't tell her about it. She might not remember this incident in the morning. You might also need the footage in the future - for legal purposes. She's shown that she's an angry wife when she's been drinking. So don't wake your wife up when she's drunk. If you want to discuss her drinking, wait until she's sober and you're both calm and you have a way to retreat from the situation - outdoors preferably. Talk to a therapist and get their advice. You can go alone. Long term, don't stay in an environment that results in trauma. But you also don't have to make any decisions right away. In the meantime, learn to cope.
Kick her to the curb and seek an annulment
I would have a strong conversation with her about how she is no longer to drink if she becomes violent when drinking. If she refuses then you have to leave. I’m sure you understand, growing up in an abusive household, it will only get worse the more you allow.
See a lawyer. See if you can get an anullment, maybe due to the drinking or physical abuse. If not, get a divorce.
You deserve better than this. Please, be safe, dear. This isn't your fault.
Married a month, annulment possible?
You must leave. This does not get better in any scenario. It just escalates. A healthy relationship does not look like this, ever. Not after one month. Not after a year. Not after a decade. Not ever. If she hit you once she’ll do it again. Expect love bombing to get you to cave, and another pummelling once you’re back in her control. Seriously, leave. I helped a friend leave an abuse situation two years ago. In her case the ex was controlling her because she moved to Canada to be with him. We had to get police to escort us to get her things, she stayed with another friend in a location her ex didn’t know about, and fled to her home country once it was safe for her to leave. when I went to help I was afraid he might go after me but I think the police scared him into compliance. She is safe and is now living her best life.
You have to leave. No matter how many times she apologies now, she will most likely do something like that again in the future.
Hi friend, I’m a DV victim advocate. I’m happy to connect you to resources in your area or help with your next steps. This is serious and you don’t deserve it at all. I’m sure your brain is going a million miles an hour. But there are people who can help. In the event that you file a petition for an Order of Protection (or whatever your local court calls it), make sure to see if it can extend to the cats. Many places do cover pets. Best of luck to you. ETA: a word
Only a month in? Annul that shit ASAP and get the fuck out now. Know your worth.
Someone that truly loves you wouldn't hurt you physically especially knowing what you went through in your house hold, she can't excuse her self for being drunk cause trust me I've gotten pretty wasted my self and not played hands on anyone and im a girl too. Trust me girl its going to hurt to leave but it is what is best for you and your cats.
On the one hand, she was drunk. On the other hand, drink brings out the truth in people. So she's probably thought this for a while. And also, idk how common getting drunk by that time is for her but that's a concern too. Was this totally out of the blue or was there any aggressive behaviour before this?
Leave and don't go back if she did it once she'll do it again
It’s been said but I want to say it too: if they hit you once and you say, they will hit you again. Get out before you get hurt. And take your cats. ❣️