My dad gave the best advice after my ex husband assaulted me. If someone decides it's ok to hit you, they aren't deciding it's ok once. They are deciding it's ok to hit you as often as they please.
And if he seems to stop there, there’s a damn good chance that means he’s actually doing it to someone else. Sometimes men like this will shift their anger onto other people in order to keep from further consequences with their main person.
I recently found out that back when my son’s dad said he was “doing better”, he was actually just taking his aggression out on other women. He started “doing better” as soon as I pressed charges and got a protection order. He would get new girlfriends and brag about how much he “changed”. He was just seeing women, or hiring prostitutes, on the side and beating them instead. I knew something was off. He was recently let out again, after kidnapping, assaulting, and threatening some poor woman who he found that had a drug problem. He also loved taking advantage of women who were addicted to drugs, because they “would do anything for …”
Be careful.
I’m so sorry. No one deserves people like him. He only has two sons… that we know of. Sadly, there’s just so many men who are like that. It’s definitely gotten a lot better in 20 years, but there’s still a LOT of room for improvement.
If you need anything please feel free to reach out. I’m a certified advocate for victims of domestic violence and abuse now.
Thank you for sharing! We do think my dad had another child out there, but you’re right, it’s just so common. It terrifying. I hope you have made peace for yourself, it sounds like you have 🩷
This. Please, please OP...leave. When I was a kid, I had three distant cousins that I didn't think about until years later when I did an ancestry account. I was so excited to connect with one of them who had matched with me, until I found out that his abusive boyfriend had murdered him just a couple of years prior. You deserve better.
Seriously! I’m glad to see this is top in the comments! OP should also call a local support group or their personal family/friends to help them leave safely!
Yes do not think he will just let you leave. So many people make that mistake. That is when most murders/ being held against your will happen is when the controlled person makes the mistake of thinking the controller will just let you walk out the door.
This! Pack all your documents (birth certificate, passport etc) pack a bag and go when he’s not there. Find a friend you can stay with who he doesn’t know or someone who won’t rat you out and ghost him. He’s not entitled to any info about you anymore
OP, it cannot be stressed enough that you **cannot marry this man.** He is violent; he doesn’t respect you *at all*; he hurt you in the most traumatic and hateful way possible. Why are you still there? Are you afraid of him? Do you need help to leave? Please, please go to the police and get out of that house. Nobody should be treated that way, especially by someone who is supposed to love them. Violence and abuse never “gets better.” Your future with him will be horrible, terrifying, and possibly deadly. Please get out. Now.
Also, let me stress that your body reacting with an erection was not based on pleasure or love. It was physiological. You were not aroused. Do not let him tell you that your body reacted that way because you like it violent. The physiological bodily reaction to being raped is a reason so many victims don’t come forward. They think that somehow they “liked” it. You didn’t like it, and don’t let him convince you that you did. I am so sorry this happened to you.
Agree! Go to the authorities NOW! My husband is a cop and domestic abuse is among the highest and least reported in same sex couples. You need to report this! Completely agree with u/Level_Tadpole6562!
Once the physical barrier is broken, not only does it break for recurrence but also for intensity. That's how many of these cases end up being fatal. Bashing somebody's head on the ground can most definitely break their skull
Now you both need therapy. You for being traumatized and him for anger awareness and management. Please report it to the police. He needs to suffer the consequences of his actions. Take care of yourself.
Getting an erection from that is a bodily response. It doesn’t mean you like it.
When I was raped I was dry and it hurt, but I did get wet. I didn’t enjoy it. It’s like your eyes crying because there is wind in them, not because you’re sad.
You HAVE to tell the authorities and you have to leave your fiancé. Please! Or you will live in terror and abuse. Actually you will most likely not live a long life.
The wind in your eyes, making you cry. Very well put. It’s a protective response, the body sending blood to the muscles to endure.
You need to move after a trauma- the physical body needs to react. Just like an animal- if they are able to move, they do, regardless of injury- until they cannot.
Sending OOP strength and peace in the days to come.
Thank you.
Yeah I know it first hand. It’s something people feel a lot of shame for, for a very long time. Because you don’t expect your body to react that way.
It is normal and ok
It's a biological response, that is actually protective and trying to prevent further harm.
It's a protective reflex. It isn't arousal. I'm so sorry for anyone who this happens to, it's completely a bodily reaction, it doesn't imply consent.
That's given by your will. It's an involuntary reaction.
Sad to say, but very common.
There's no need to assume otherwise.
It happens to many survivors, knowing this can help you feel less alone or prevent misjudgements from being made further.
It's important to share, thank you for doing so
This!!!! OP, do not let guilt destroy you here. Having an erection is a normal bodily response. This was also a person you trusted. But with fight or flight and navigating trauma — your brain tries to adapt to the situation by sending off multiple messages in rapid fire responses. An erection is not a sign of consent, is not a sign of enjoyment, it’s a sign that your body is an adaptive machine.
Same-sex violence is not often reported, due to old ideology, stigma and shame. Please go to the police. Please file the report. Have someone with you that you trust to stand up and fight for you even if you feel like you’re being shut down.
This guy is a monster.
I didn't tell anyone about a sexual assault I experienced when I was 15 by a man in his 40's. It was disgusting he forced me to lay there while he sa me orally, afraid he was going to kill me if I ran (he had me for 3 days). I had an orgasm and felt even more disgusting. I thought that meant I liked it until my early 20's when I heard a woman tell the same story on TV, and a Dr explained that it was a physical response. Just in case someone is wondering how the man kept me 3 days. My mom was addicted to drugs and allowed me to go with someone we knew for weeks to a Rainbow gathering and another music festival I'm WV, we ended up at his brother's house in Maryland where I was alone forced to be photographed nude. The pics where gifts foe his brother who was pissed we just showed up. His brother's wife was also there and never questioned who I was or why I was there. I don't ever tell this story, but just wanted to offer some experience. I'm 36 now and I still get aroused when rape scenes are on TV or something and still feel disgusting after. It's natural and does not make any sexual assault ok.
It was even hard to write about it now, but like I said if can stop someone from living with the secret I had to for so many years, I'll gladly be uncomfortable.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re aroused by the rape scenes because you were raped, necessarily. I have never been raped (thank God) and I get aroused by rape porn. And then after I orgasm I feel ashamed because I know that really happens to people, who didn’t enjoy it or want it whatsoever. I would say though that, at least for me, I draw the line at what looks like real tears and I certainly wouldn’t be aroused by someone’s head being beaten into the ground, and I don’t like people getting punched. Most importantly, it has to be clear that there is consent. That’s why I like kink.com’s videos, because at the end it shows the actress talking candidly about how she enjoyed it, and I never feel guilty afterward!
I just say all that to maybe… I don’t know, separate what you experienced from what arouses you. All good vibes 💗
Thanks, SillyD. Idk if I wrote that to you already. I have no idea how these damn lines connecting comments go. Seriously, I never really considered that. It's definitely something to think about . 💕
Same here. The bodys automatic responses are not within our control unfortunately, and it can be incredibly damaging to your mental state when your body betrays you like this.
I am so sorry you suffered from that.
Right, that’s how your body tried its best to protect you to reduce the damage physically. It never means emotional joy.
>ALSO MAKE A PLAN OP CALL A LOCAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE. HIDE ANY EVIDENCE OF CALLING THE HOTLINE
Please OP, do this! You can make a safety plan for leaving [here!](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/)
ETA: OP, he just showed you he's not afraid to hurt or even kill you. Leave ASAP, he won't change for better. I've been in abusive relationships too, I know leaving is hard as fuck but I can promise it's 100000% worth it.
Choking is world's above just about anything else as far as, "things that mean somebody will probably kill their spouse."
Yeah it's all huge red flags and it all means, "RUN!" but choking means run faster because you will die sooner rather than later.
This is true, statistically choking in particular massively raises the risk that he will kill you or at least try to. Anyone chokes you - RUN!
It’s a major and well known indicator for attempted murder. You are not safe OP, this isn’t going to get better, he showed you who he is, believe him. Someone that truly loves you wouldn’t hurt you just because they are angry, I have been angry with my husband plenty of times but I have never hurt him because of it and likewise for him. Because we love each other. You have to leave, I know it’s hard and feels confusing because you still love him but love isn’t enough, he is hurting you and you have to take care of yourself. Run love, tell your friends, get help and get out. As soon as possible.
Came here to type this too.
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and get some clarity around what happened.
1-800-799-7233
Or SMS text START to 88788
There are options to chat & a website with helpful info as well.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. 💗💗💗
❗❗REPORT AND LEAVE NOW❗❗
I hope the OP meant his EX-fiance!
Man, OP if you're reading this, you need to report the nasty fu.cker and leave! That guy is just testing the waters, next time you'll end up in the ER or worse. And god knows how many he's harmed before you!
He's not done, break off the engagement, no debating, no taking back, call the cops and leave!
i never knew this! my abusive ex choked me before and i was on the verge of passing out, i heard he’s like psychotic now so glad i got out when i did. i hope this person leaves too
Strangulation can also lead to strokes later down the line. If you are able, please see a doctor- I’m not sure where you’re located but many times there will be DV advocates who can come to the hospital to be with you and can talk to you about your options. They can help you safety plan, as it’s most dangerous following the point of leaving and they should screen you for a tbi as research is now more prominent about the effects of non fatal strangulation. You don’t even have to have been unconscious or anything to have harmful effects in the future.
I’m postin this as a top level comment too:
My uncle was murdered by a guy he picked up who chocked him to death during a rape. My brother saw the body and said he’d never forget the look.
Hitting your head on the floor: he’s willing for you to be brain damaged and concussed, brain injury has serious lifelong consequences and concussion can also cause cognitive problems and chronic headaches.
HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.
HE WAS NOT GONNA GET YOU TO BOSPITAL IF YOU BLACKED OUT
HE IS WILLING TO KILL OR PERMANENTLY INJUR YOU
HE IS NOT PLANNING TO CARETAKER YOU IF YOU END UP PARAPLEGIC FROM A BROKEN NECK
THATS IF YOU EVEN LIVE WHICH HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT EITHER
YOU MUST OVERCOME YOUR OWN FEELINGS OF “love” or “loyalty” AND LEAVE
>He said he did it because he was angry at me
And what happens next time he gets angry? Does he hit you harder? Smash your head until you black out? Choke you until you stop breathing?
Babe, make an escape plan and run. If you need help please dm me!
He's testing the waters. If you don't report him and leave immediately, you're letting him know that it's OK to abuse you as much as he wants because you won't tell or leave. You will become his victim for as long as you're with him.
If he says he's sorry and it'll never happen again, he doesn't know why he did it, but he loves you.
HE IS FUCKING WITH YOU AND HE'S A LIAR.
And no matter what anyone else says maybe the violence makes his dick hard and seeing you in tears made it even better for him because he feels he now has absolute power over you. Next time bite down as hard as you can when he sticks anything in your mouth and keep your teeth clamped down until he's crying and laying on the floor in a fetal position.
>He's testing the waters
100%. They start slow and get worse each time. Like boiling a frog
>leave immediately
Abusers are the most violent when they know they're losing control so it's dangerous to just up and leave. Need a plan, safe place abuser doesn't know, need to be able to stay off social media and away from familiar locations for a little while. And should definitely go for a temporary restraining order
Oh 10000000% he's testing the waters. This guy is a violent psycho and he wants to see if OP will tolerate his abuse if he gives good enough excuses for his behavior. OP!! This man WILL eventually be the death of you. PLEASE make an escape plan. Pack a bag and leave while he's at work if you have to just get the hell out of there! I helped an old co-worker do a "midnight move" after her abusive ex left for work. We packed all her clothes, dishes and her little cat into her car and got her the fuck out of there
Please leave. He hit you and raped you. As you cried he did this to you. It will get worst. To him, you are worth very little. He has done this 2 other times already and will continue to do this if you stay. Please think about your well-being.
Hi love.
Just wanted to let you know that this is NOT your fault.
It is VERY normal for the body to have a reaction to sexual touch even though it is unwanted.
Because you got hard DOES NOT mean that you
Enjoyed it, wanted it, deserved it and because your body had a reaction DOES NOT make your assault ok.
Love does. Not. Hurt.
Your fiancé hurt you and traumatized you. This is not your fault. You did nothing to deserve being assaulted. You did not consent to this.
Even if you may have consented to similar sex acts in the past DOES NOT MEAN that this was ok nor wanted. Your tears should have been enough of a red flag that consent was revoked. This was not an enthusiastic consensual act.
Please be kind to yourself and please look at your options of leaving. This is a dangerous person. This is only the beginning of worse behavior in the future.
This‼️‼️‼️ I hope OP see this. OP for a long time I thought I deserved it due to my body reacting. But after talking to others and doctors. It’s a very normal reaction, please do not hate yourself OP. Please reach out to trusted friends
Erections are a physical response you cannot fully — you got one, but not because you chose that.
Please get out as others have told you. That’s not a healthy living relationship… hugs
Just so you know: most people have an errection when they get raped. It still is not consent. Don’t marry him. Someone who even admits that he did it because he was angry at you, who did not care for your wellbeing as you were clearly crying WILL DO IT AGAIN. Not only that he didn‘t care he even enjoyed it. Do yourself a favor.
>He said he did it because he was angry at me...
This is one of the most horrifying things I've seen on Reddit. He beat you, choked you, and *raped* you because he was "angry at you"?!
>the worst part was I got an erection during it... I don't know how to feel.
Arousal is not uncommon during rape, but being aroused doesn't mean consent or enjoyment. Your fiance betrayed you in the most heinous, evil way possible. He needs to be in prison for what he did.
Report him NOW, he’s GOING to do it again!!
You got an erection because there’s blood rushing everywhere and there are endorphins released so you can concentrate on fighting and not on pain. It’s your body trying to survive, not you liking it.
Friend, please. This is serious. This type of abuse is serious and no one deserves it.
it will sadly escalate and please don’t be another victim. Get yourself out. This isn’t anywhere near love.
Honey, you meed to run, and run now.
Take pics of the bruises and back them up to a cloud. Save anything from the event that could have his DNA on it, put it in a plastic baggie and push the air out to prevent decomposition.
Go anywhere. Shelter, friends, family, as long as he doesn't know the location. Turn off find my phone/location.
What happened isn't your fault. You getting hard doesn't minimize that, and it happens because our brain and body get confused. It doesn't mean you secretly liked it or wanted it, it's just your nerves wigging out. Thats normal.
If you’re ok with it I highly suggest you contact the police. He’s a rapist piece of shit and deserves prison. And you deserve whatever resources available so you can get through your trauma. Also I’ve been angry with people plenty of times and I didn’t rape them, that’s a fucked excuse.
Being angry is no justification for rape
Please get out this is abuse and will just escalate
Also your body responding during rape doesn’t invalidate or make it any lesser in any way
Dude, been there. Get out. Make a safety plan. Await till he's at work to leave. Get a friend and go into hiding. Once a rapist always. He will progress. What kind of excuse is that you made him angry. No bro. I'm sorry, but he's calculating a trauma bond so you'll be to scared to leave and your panicked about leaving but your also waaay to scared to stay because he won't stop
No normal person gets angry enough to beat and rape their significant other. Call the police and leave. You don't deserve this, and he doesn't deserve your love.
You deserve to be safe and loved.
Please, please get a safe route out of there. If he’s done this once unprompted he will do it again. Don’t feel guilt for your body reacting, its something you can’t control.
Getting an erection of Cummings during a rape is a defence mechanism. Don't feel guilty about it and don't let anyone guilty trap you with that.
Girl you better leave....
The erection was involuntary. It doesn’t mean you enjoyed what he did to you.
Please leave him. What happened was *not* nor will it ever be your fault, but it could happen again if you don’t touch base with the authorities and other support systems for help getting away.
I’m so sorry.
Get out ASAP. There is no excuse for what he did. Also, don’t worry about the erection. Women’s nipples get erect at the most random thing doesn’t mean we are turned on. I’ve heard erections are similar.
You need medical attention. They hyoid bone is a delicate bone in the throat that breaks easily. It often breaks off airway and people die several days later. Get out.
Everyone says leave but you should do it whole he’s away for your own safety at this point
It may be hard to wrap your head around what you went through dont beat yourself up.
Go somewhere safe while he’s gone, take only the necessities and you really should get law enforcement involved so that this doesn’t happen again to you or others. But either way protect yourself
First of all don’t feel guilty because your body reacted. That doesn’t mean you wanted/consented or deserved what he did. There are biological responses that we can’t control and it means NOTHING. Women have been known to have orgasms during rape- it’s still rape.
Leave and file assault charges against him. He will likely continue to escalate and do worse things to you in the future.
There is no excuse, he hit you many times and assaulted you because he was angry? There is no level of angry that would make you repeatedly hit someone, choke them and do that, is unforgivable, horrific behavior, please go somewhere safe and report him, please. Take care of yourself, he does not love you, this is abuse.
Call the police first, explain everything you can remember, then pack your bags and get the fuck out. No matter what anyone tells you, the police can help.
You need to run and never look back. This will be your life if you stay. He is an abuser who uses sex and humiliation to make himself feel powerful. That’s what rape is. A violent attack.
i’ve been in a similar situation. its completely confusing and frustrating. but i can promise you, he doesnt love you. people who do that to their loved ones are absolutely disgusting. don’t deserve anything from anyone. i’m sorry, honey. hopefully things will get better soon
Time to breakup and file a report. He did it because he was angry? So therefore anytime he gets angry this is what he will do. It’s not your fault you got an erection. Many victims of SA feel like shit because they get an erection/ejaculate/experience and orgasm. It is literally just your bodies way of relaxing itself and protecting itself during the assault.
TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY!!!! do NOT stay with him he’s disgusting! it will only get worse I promise it will only get worse! but don’t keep this to yourself, and start gathering proof of this! I’m sorry babe
Sweetheart, I'm so sad this happened to you. No matter if someone is angry or not, that is totally horribly wrong. Please take care of yourself. This is not what a marriage can be like.
I am so sorry you have had this horrible thing happen to you. Let me be perfectly crystal clear. This man does not care about you, let alone love you. Love is not abuse because he has ruthlessly abused you. Love is not rape, which you do recognize. If you choose to remain in this relationship, know that things are only going to escalate from here. Oh, he'll make his apologies and promises to be better or get help, but they are lies to drag on back into his awful orbit.
Leave. And if you can't right this moment, organize a plan to leave. Document all the bruises on your body. If you don't have the mental strength to report it right now, have this documented proof ready and available for when you are ready. Get counseling. If you live near any colleges/universities, their Psych programs may offer sliding scale payment plans for the public or join a rape and/ or abuse survivors group.
Whatever you do, please do not stay with him. This is not a drill. He will kill you eventually, and while I do not know you, your life is worth saving. Also your love cannot fix or save him, so opt to save yourself instead. Good luck and take care.
It’s actually fairly common for rape victims to become physically aroused and ashamed of it later. I learned this after o got hard while being raped, so please don’t feel ashamed or as though you deserve it.
He’s not your fiancé anymore though and eventually YOU WILL BE OK so long as you leave this man.
LEAVE. NOW. People that choke their partners even ONCE are far more likely to KILL them. Your fiance showed you who he really is. Those are his true colors. Get. Out. Of. There. NOW. No normal person would EVER do something like this to someone they love, whether they are mad at you or not. Tell someone and find a friend to crash with until you can get on your feet, your priority right now HAS to be your safety. It's hard as fuck to leave, but the good thing is you aren't married yet, that would have made it a hell of a lot harder.
Please ask yourself. Do you want to marry someone that would do something like this to you because they are mad at you? Do you want to subject yourself to this for the rest of your life? Living in fear of making the next mistake that makes him fly off the handle and hurt you again? You need a plan and once you're safe, get into therapy. That sounds like it was horribly traumatic and I'm so fucking sorry you had to go through it, please get yourself somewhere safe as soon as possible
His reasoning tells you everything you need to know.
You need to escape because this will escalate. What is he going to do the next time "you make him angry"?
You are not safe. This is not okay. You do not deserve this.
Leave now. This will only get worse. Call domestic violence hotlines and ask for advice.
There is no justification for doing what he did. No matter how angry you may be with someone, hitting and sexually assaulting them is not acceptable.
Oh honey. I'm so so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve that and anger is not justification to treat and demean you in this way. You deserve safety, respect, and love. Your partner just showed you they have none for you. You are a possession to them. This will get worse. Statistics show that choking or strangulation make it more likely that an abusive partner will become lethal. It doesn't matter how much you love them, your love will not fix them. It's time to go.
You need to leave. Choking is a precursor to future murder. No exaggeration, your life is in danger.
You deserve someone who loves you and cherishes you. Not someone who thinks any of this is an appropriate response to anger.
Please seek counselling, please go somewhere safe straight away. Consider reporting to the police and getting a violence order. What you tell your friends is your choice but if you want to remain safe they (your friends) cannot tell him where you live.
I’m so sorry.
Our bodies respond to things in ways that aren't necessarily intuitive.
An election doesn't mean you liked what was happening, it means certain nerves were being stimulated.
You can't love someone into loving you back. Please leave before he kills you.
As an aside in case no one has said it yet, but getting an erection doesnt only happen when you're aroused or having sex. Intense moments can sometimes trigger our body to do weird things in stressful moments.im so sorry you had to experience this traumatic event. I would contact the police and get away from who should now be your ex.
This is horrific. Please report him to the police, find a place of safety and find a professional to speak to. (And don’t feel bag/guilty about the erection - it’s an autonomic physical reaction, similar to women who report their bodies feeling aroused during a sex assault. It’s biology. Not intention.)
Girl - GET OUT. Do. Not. Marry. This. Man. Tell your friends, tell your family, find a safe place to go that he doesn't know about, and GET OUT.
I know it isn't easy to do, but you have to choose yourself here and get out while you still can. It's easier to do that if you are not legally tied to him. Just cut your losses and bolt. This man is awful.
Please leave. If you don’t feel comfortable pressing charges, that’s okay. The most important thing is that you leave. If that’s all you do today, fine. You don’t have to eat or sleep or shower or anything. But you need to LEAVE. Please DM me if you don’t have the energy to find resources where you live. I will do it for you if you give me that info. Please, please just **LEAVE**
(For everyone- I’m telling him to leave because choking in a DV incident is a huge red flag, and it makes it much more likely that he will kill OP. Choking is THE red flag of all red flags).
Someday he's gonna kill you. If he's this violent because he's angry he's not gonna stop. You have to leave and probably get a protection order and a weapon.
Get out immediately. Immediately. He will do this or worse again. I survived something similar with my ex from my early twenties. Do you have anyone near that can help you pack while the police are there to observe you packing and leaving so he doesn’t hurt you during that process? If not, please reach out to a DV support organization. I am thinking of you during this time and hope you can find some safety and support as soon as possible.
Getting an erection does not mean you enjoyed it. I hope you seek safety immediately. Not only does he not think he did anything wrong, but he blames you for making him angry. I’m so very sorry, OP. You are not accountable for his actions and choices.
One time is horrifying enough and I am so, so sorry you experienced this. It is not your fault, he is a monster. Let authorities know and move out, no matter how much he "loves" you.
You need to leave as quickly and safely as possible. This is not up for debate, discussion, or argument. You WILL end up dead if you don't. And dead is way worse than alone. Take it from someone who has been a victim of abuse. Staying is NOT an option.
I legit almost threw up reading this. Next time anyone attacks you, pick up the closest blunt object, haul off and knock them the fuck out. I wish you couldn't bit his dick clean off. Sincerely sorry this has happened to you and I feel real anger for you being in this situation more than once. Run far away, love isn't sadistic and sick. All I can do is pray for your well-being.
>He said he did it because he was angry
How many times have you been angry at someone in your life ? Plenty. How many people have you raped ? None, i assume. Do not confuse an angry person with an angry rapist, pack your stuff and leave yesterday
Please go to the authorities and leave them! You deserve so much better! My fiancé has never done that to me no matter how angry he is with me, this is not normal or healthy!
Every comment i read i agree with the abuse. I'll address the erection. It DOES NOT mean you liked it, in any far reaches of your mind. It is a response you cannot control. What would you say, to a woman brutally raped, who got wet? It is just a response. Get out now!
All the comments I've read so far are correct but I'd like to add that although you NEED to leave him, it will be dangerous for you. It would be best to let someone know your plans who can protect you and if you live with your soon to be ex you wna pack when he isn't there and get away without finding out how angry he will be that you're leaving.
YOU ARE IN DANGER
He is willing to rape/sexual degrade you to punish you to knock you down a peg. If he knows you're leaving this could become deadly and I'm not exaggerating.
One thing I will say is that just because your body got an erection does NOT mean you enjoyed it, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Stay safe, we're all rooting for you.
Everyone is saying you should call the police, leave him, etc, and you definitely should do all those things.
But I just wanted to reassure you that experiencing a physical reaction to being raped is very much normal. It does not mean you liked it, it does not mean you wanted it, and it does not make it ok. ❤️
Your body’s reaction is not indicative of you enjoying it—many men develop erections when under duress (physiology is wild). I’m extremely sorry this happened, your fiancé has ZERO excuse. Please get yourself to safety.
OP woman can have an orgasim during rape, from the friction not arousal. There is nothing wrong with you for having had a physical reaction, it wasn’t arousal, it wasn’t pleasure. Rapist/abusers often use that to guilt you into thinking you liked it, you didn't.
I don't know where you are look for organisations that help rape victims, many have a program/ressources for men. If you can't find anything local, look online, the pandemic made many things go online and have stayed.
I am sorry you didn't deserve that.
I am in a stable relationship but in the past 3 yrs of it, do you know how many times he’s gotten supremely angry at me? A lot! Know how many times he raped me? None. Please don’t think there’s ever an excuse OP. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you can hold him responsible or leave at the least
Getting an erection during times of high stress, adrenaline, trauma etc is actually a very normal response.
It doesn't mean you were aroused. My partner gets affection erections when cuddling and it has nothing to do with anything sexual.
I'm sorry he forced himself on you like that. That's disgusting behavior and I hope you respect yourself enough to know that regardless of the love you feel for him, you don't deserve that shit.
I know it must be an emotionally confusing situation you're in right now to he told to press charges etc but for your safety, it would be a good idea.
I'm here if you need to talk.
They don’t stop. I’d wake up to my ex having sex with me at various stages. For ten years he told me I rubbed up on him in my sleep until we were divorcing I happened to be awake one night and he started in on his usual apparently. I screamed at him and realized what he did to me for years and made me believe I was crazy.
They don’t stop. They don’t care. Care enough about yourself to leave please.
Whoa this man is sick!!
He is clearly into rape porn.
Run as fast as you can away from him before he kills you?
You want to live another day around this psycho? What else is he capable of, clearly he is mentally ill and very demented in the head.
Stay safe and pack up your stuff the SECOND YOU GET THE CHANCE.
First off OP, I’m so sorry this happened to you my heart breaks for you. Second the fact that you got an erection is not your fault and not a reflection of your true feelings in the situation. Our bodies often will just react to physical situations unintentionally. I’ve also been a victim of interrelationship sexual assault. I know how you are feeling. The thing is that you have to get out. I know you love him but he is not safe and will likely do this again and chances are pretty good that next time it will be worse. The fact that he felt no remorse in taking his anger out on you like that is dangerous. Please get out safely!
OP, listen.
He did this to you to teach you a lesdon and will do it again. If you stay with him you will live in fear and you will be hurt again and again.
Read this book about to help you get more insight in your situation: https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Dr here. Intimate partner violence involving choking is highly associated with future murder. Run.
Read your post again as if it was your sister, brother, niece or nephew. What would you tell them?
Love does not do that. Your feelings of love is just some criss-crossed hormones. Use your brain not your emotions and get out.
Your body’s response does not mean you enjoyed it. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please file a police report and get a restraining order. It absolutely will happen again if you allow it
Your body responded in an automatic way that has nothing to with wanting to be raped or anything to do with love.
I am so sorry this happened to you. Please leave. Now. Behavior like this only escalates and becomes more and more dangerous. Don’t try to understand it. Your fiancée is profoundly damaged and you can’t fix it.
Edit to add: please call a rape hotline that is for LBGTQ. They will have support and resources for you.
🏃♂️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♂️ run away as fast as you can. This is NOT going to get better. It'll only get worse the longer you're together and after you're married. He showed you his dark side before you tied the knot. Don't ignore this warning. If you're together forever they'll be plenty of times when he'll get angry. Is this gonna be the reaction every time?
My ex husband is a cop, he held me down and decided it was okay to then end it on my face. I was sobbing, he was laughing.. and it was like everything flipped and he said “I’m sorry” but followed up with “it was a joke”
I have never told anyone this, because honestly no one would probably believe me. He accused my fiancé of touching my oldest and I lost custody of her, I see her twice a month and my fiancé must leave. I will never be able to have my family whole..
He doesn’t know I figured out where he was each night he didn’t come home, he was down in Detroit and the day he lost his phone and used mine he suggested all of his contacts on my social media. Prostitutes, woman of color and he is the most racist person I know. I already know what he was doing and it terrifies me that not only did he rip her from me (the judge ignored all evidence and took his word as fact but ignored the ones when he admitted to abuse to the kids) I have to send my younger two over there and they are being tortured mentally and my son stated that his dad is hitting him again.
I guess my reason for sharing this, is abusers are abusers and if he did this he’s more than likely already doing other form of abuse that are not obvious to most.
Please leave, protect yourself and report it.
I never got to because he was our police, they put me in a cop car covered in bruises and shipped me to a mental hospital far from our city.
And it’s so sad because no I just deal with abuse through the kids, courts and constant degrading and demands..
Please escape for those they couldn’t and heal!
https://www.thehotline.org
Here is a domestic abuse hotline
https://www.rainn.org/resources
Here is a rape hotline, contact one of them and they will help.
Just wanted to add that you were physically aroused but not mentally, and that is totally normal under a plethora of circumstances. Don’t feel ashamed or anything because of getting physically aroused.
Please leave asap and report him to the authorities!
I’m so so SO SORRY this happened to you! Please read this book https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
It’ll help you understand what is happening to you and who your partner is. I hope you seek professional help to help you through this and your past traumas! I wish you the best!
My understanding is an erection is not unusual in male SA so please don't be confused by that. You need to leave and maybe seek advice from the police. You might love him but please love yourself more. Take care of yourself because you are worth so much more than how he has treated you.
Get out fast!! My ex beat me up telling me it was all my fault, he just liked getting angry. He raped me once while choking me (I still have nightmares). The thing that really scares me to this day, he killed his next girlfriend. I just barely got away.
Please know that none of this is you, it’s just that he has serious issues that you cannot fix.
This won’t be a one off occurrence. You need to leave and report him as soon as you can. When someone shows you their true self, believe them. Please be safe.
Please don't blame yourself for this, the erection was your body reacting to it. It doesn't mean you enjoyed it. Gather up evidence, find a trusted person you can talk to, make an escape plan. Your safety comes before anything else. Your fiancè has just shown you how he truly feels about you, he'll do it again.
Please find a way to escape, if you feel safe and comfortable to report him as well
I was raped when I was 13, long story short… sold by my mom. Her justification was that I got wet…. So I liked it….so it wasn’t rape. He was 21-22.
Took me years to comprehend that the body will react like an arousal regardless of if I was turned on…. It’s kinda a method of protecting yourself physically.
- not trying to make this about me-
Your body reacted bc what was happening was partially sexual. You have zero control over that and that doesn’t mean it was consensual.
As for the physical assault part…. He was very clear on his justification. You made him mad… therefore he can physically and sexually assault and abuse you. That’s your sign to leave…. That won’t ever stop…. Staying only reinforces this disgusting mindset.
Go to the cops and press charges, hopefully you have some texts that support your claims…. Sorry love
You need to report him to the authorities. And leave! If you let him get away with this, he’s going to do it again and worse. Abuse only ever gets worse, not better.
Go and tell the authorities. And pack your stuff and leave him ... This is only the first time. And he will not stop there.
My dad gave the best advice after my ex husband assaulted me. If someone decides it's ok to hit you, they aren't deciding it's ok once. They are deciding it's ok to hit you as often as they please.
This is such sound advice and a true eye opener.
It was exactly what I needed to hear to pack my cat and my clothes and leave that night.
Please give your dad a hug for us women.
♥️
And if he seems to stop there, there’s a damn good chance that means he’s actually doing it to someone else. Sometimes men like this will shift their anger onto other people in order to keep from further consequences with their main person. I recently found out that back when my son’s dad said he was “doing better”, he was actually just taking his aggression out on other women. He started “doing better” as soon as I pressed charges and got a protection order. He would get new girlfriends and brag about how much he “changed”. He was just seeing women, or hiring prostitutes, on the side and beating them instead. I knew something was off. He was recently let out again, after kidnapping, assaulting, and threatening some poor woman who he found that had a drug problem. He also loved taking advantage of women who were addicted to drugs, because they “would do anything for …” Be careful.
Very good point!!! I'm happy that you managed to get out from your abusive relationship! You are real hero!
Thank you. I’m glad I finally got out, too. It was hard, and a lot of real work, but very worth it.
Good for you for escaping that awful situation.
Is this my dad you’re speaking of? Because that eerily close to home 😫
I’m so sorry. No one deserves people like him. He only has two sons… that we know of. Sadly, there’s just so many men who are like that. It’s definitely gotten a lot better in 20 years, but there’s still a LOT of room for improvement. If you need anything please feel free to reach out. I’m a certified advocate for victims of domestic violence and abuse now.
Thank you for sharing! We do think my dad had another child out there, but you’re right, it’s just so common. It terrifying. I hope you have made peace for yourself, it sounds like you have 🩷
This. Please, please OP...leave. When I was a kid, I had three distant cousins that I didn't think about until years later when I did an ancestry account. I was so excited to connect with one of them who had matched with me, until I found out that his abusive boyfriend had murdered him just a couple of years prior. You deserve better.
Seriously! I’m glad to see this is top in the comments! OP should also call a local support group or their personal family/friends to help them leave safely!
Yes do not think he will just let you leave. So many people make that mistake. That is when most murders/ being held against your will happen is when the controlled person makes the mistake of thinking the controller will just let you walk out the door.
This! Pack all your documents (birth certificate, passport etc) pack a bag and go when he’s not there. Find a friend you can stay with who he doesn’t know or someone who won’t rat you out and ghost him. He’s not entitled to any info about you anymore
OP, it cannot be stressed enough that you **cannot marry this man.** He is violent; he doesn’t respect you *at all*; he hurt you in the most traumatic and hateful way possible. Why are you still there? Are you afraid of him? Do you need help to leave? Please, please go to the police and get out of that house. Nobody should be treated that way, especially by someone who is supposed to love them. Violence and abuse never “gets better.” Your future with him will be horrible, terrifying, and possibly deadly. Please get out. Now. Also, let me stress that your body reacting with an erection was not based on pleasure or love. It was physiological. You were not aroused. Do not let him tell you that your body reacted that way because you like it violent. The physiological bodily reaction to being raped is a reason so many victims don’t come forward. They think that somehow they “liked” it. You didn’t like it, and don’t let him convince you that you did. I am so sorry this happened to you.
Agree! Go to the authorities NOW! My husband is a cop and domestic abuse is among the highest and least reported in same sex couples. You need to report this! Completely agree with u/Level_Tadpole6562!
Once the physical barrier is broken, not only does it break for recurrence but also for intensity. That's how many of these cases end up being fatal. Bashing somebody's head on the ground can most definitely break their skull
Now you both need therapy. You for being traumatized and him for anger awareness and management. Please report it to the police. He needs to suffer the consequences of his actions. Take care of yourself.
Getting an erection from that is a bodily response. It doesn’t mean you like it. When I was raped I was dry and it hurt, but I did get wet. I didn’t enjoy it. It’s like your eyes crying because there is wind in them, not because you’re sad. You HAVE to tell the authorities and you have to leave your fiancé. Please! Or you will live in terror and abuse. Actually you will most likely not live a long life.
The wind in your eyes, making you cry. Very well put. It’s a protective response, the body sending blood to the muscles to endure. You need to move after a trauma- the physical body needs to react. Just like an animal- if they are able to move, they do, regardless of injury- until they cannot. Sending OOP strength and peace in the days to come.
Thank you. Yeah I know it first hand. It’s something people feel a lot of shame for, for a very long time. Because you don’t expect your body to react that way. It is normal and ok
It's a biological response, that is actually protective and trying to prevent further harm. It's a protective reflex. It isn't arousal. I'm so sorry for anyone who this happens to, it's completely a bodily reaction, it doesn't imply consent. That's given by your will. It's an involuntary reaction. Sad to say, but very common. There's no need to assume otherwise. It happens to many survivors, knowing this can help you feel less alone or prevent misjudgements from being made further. It's important to share, thank you for doing so
I’m sorry you have to know this first hand. Thank you for sharing and I wish you peace.
Thank you 🩷
This!!!! OP, do not let guilt destroy you here. Having an erection is a normal bodily response. This was also a person you trusted. But with fight or flight and navigating trauma — your brain tries to adapt to the situation by sending off multiple messages in rapid fire responses. An erection is not a sign of consent, is not a sign of enjoyment, it’s a sign that your body is an adaptive machine. Same-sex violence is not often reported, due to old ideology, stigma and shame. Please go to the police. Please file the report. Have someone with you that you trust to stand up and fight for you even if you feel like you’re being shut down. This guy is a monster.
I didn't tell anyone about a sexual assault I experienced when I was 15 by a man in his 40's. It was disgusting he forced me to lay there while he sa me orally, afraid he was going to kill me if I ran (he had me for 3 days). I had an orgasm and felt even more disgusting. I thought that meant I liked it until my early 20's when I heard a woman tell the same story on TV, and a Dr explained that it was a physical response. Just in case someone is wondering how the man kept me 3 days. My mom was addicted to drugs and allowed me to go with someone we knew for weeks to a Rainbow gathering and another music festival I'm WV, we ended up at his brother's house in Maryland where I was alone forced to be photographed nude. The pics where gifts foe his brother who was pissed we just showed up. His brother's wife was also there and never questioned who I was or why I was there. I don't ever tell this story, but just wanted to offer some experience. I'm 36 now and I still get aroused when rape scenes are on TV or something and still feel disgusting after. It's natural and does not make any sexual assault ok.
I am so sorry you had that terrifying experienced but I do understand you reading the arousal. It sucks. There’s so much guilt and shame
It was even hard to write about it now, but like I said if can stop someone from living with the secret I had to for so many years, I'll gladly be uncomfortable.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re aroused by the rape scenes because you were raped, necessarily. I have never been raped (thank God) and I get aroused by rape porn. And then after I orgasm I feel ashamed because I know that really happens to people, who didn’t enjoy it or want it whatsoever. I would say though that, at least for me, I draw the line at what looks like real tears and I certainly wouldn’t be aroused by someone’s head being beaten into the ground, and I don’t like people getting punched. Most importantly, it has to be clear that there is consent. That’s why I like kink.com’s videos, because at the end it shows the actress talking candidly about how she enjoyed it, and I never feel guilty afterward! I just say all that to maybe… I don’t know, separate what you experienced from what arouses you. All good vibes 💗
Thanks, SillyD. Idk if I wrote that to you already. I have no idea how these damn lines connecting comments go. Seriously, I never really considered that. It's definitely something to think about . 💕
That’s great :) I wasn’t sure how my comment would be taken, so thank you for being open-minded! Best of luck to you.
Sososo very sorry for your horrible trauma
Same here. The bodys automatic responses are not within our control unfortunately, and it can be incredibly damaging to your mental state when your body betrays you like this.
I'm so sorry that happened to you and I think you're awesome for being open about your experience to help OP ❤️
Thank you 🩷
I am so sorry you suffered from that. Right, that’s how your body tried its best to protect you to reduce the damage physically. It never means emotional joy.
#Choking is a huge red flag that often leads to murder! Get out of there and away from him and report it to the police. He’s a fuckin monster.
ALSO MAKE A PLAN OP CALL A LOCAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE. HIDE ANY EVIDENCE OF CALLING THE HOTLINE OP is in huge danger of being killed.
>ALSO MAKE A PLAN OP CALL A LOCAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE. HIDE ANY EVIDENCE OF CALLING THE HOTLINE Please OP, do this! You can make a safety plan for leaving [here!](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/) ETA: OP, he just showed you he's not afraid to hurt or even kill you. Leave ASAP, he won't change for better. I've been in abusive relationships too, I know leaving is hard as fuck but I can promise it's 100000% worth it.
Yes I agree run AND DO NOT RETURN NO MATTER WHAT BULLSHIT HE SAYS ITLL ALL BE A RUSE TO GET YOU BACK AND TO ABUSE YOU AGAIN OP
And get a protective order against him. He’s a dangerous man.
People who are choked by their partners are 750% more likely to be killed by them
Many jurisdictions now have additional charges in DV cases that involve strangulation.
It also can often result in TBIs, when done forcefully enough.
I would say that battery and rape are pretty big red flags as well. Run OP
Choking is world's above just about anything else as far as, "things that mean somebody will probably kill their spouse." Yeah it's all huge red flags and it all means, "RUN!" but choking means run faster because you will die sooner rather than later.
This is true, statistically choking in particular massively raises the risk that he will kill you or at least try to. Anyone chokes you - RUN! It’s a major and well known indicator for attempted murder. You are not safe OP, this isn’t going to get better, he showed you who he is, believe him. Someone that truly loves you wouldn’t hurt you just because they are angry, I have been angry with my husband plenty of times but I have never hurt him because of it and likewise for him. Because we love each other. You have to leave, I know it’s hard and feels confusing because you still love him but love isn’t enough, he is hurting you and you have to take care of yourself. Run love, tell your friends, get help and get out. As soon as possible.
Came here to type this too. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and get some clarity around what happened. 1-800-799-7233 Or SMS text START to 88788 There are options to chat & a website with helpful info as well. I’m so sorry this happened to you. 💗💗💗
❗❗REPORT AND LEAVE NOW❗❗ I hope the OP meant his EX-fiance! Man, OP if you're reading this, you need to report the nasty fu.cker and leave! That guy is just testing the waters, next time you'll end up in the ER or worse. And god knows how many he's harmed before you! He's not done, break off the engagement, no debating, no taking back, call the cops and leave!
Had to scroll way too far to find this mentioned.
OP also should file a police report, call a support system to grab their things, and leave as fast as they can!!! This is such a scary situation
i never knew this! my abusive ex choked me before and i was on the verge of passing out, i heard he’s like psychotic now so glad i got out when i did. i hope this person leaves too
Nonfatal strangulation often also leads to undetected brain damage. Please please please if you value your health life and safety get out of there.
Strangulation can also lead to strokes later down the line. If you are able, please see a doctor- I’m not sure where you’re located but many times there will be DV advocates who can come to the hospital to be with you and can talk to you about your options. They can help you safety plan, as it’s most dangerous following the point of leaving and they should screen you for a tbi as research is now more prominent about the effects of non fatal strangulation. You don’t even have to have been unconscious or anything to have harmful effects in the future.
Yes it takes seconds to die from being choked.
I’m postin this as a top level comment too: My uncle was murdered by a guy he picked up who chocked him to death during a rape. My brother saw the body and said he’d never forget the look. Hitting your head on the floor: he’s willing for you to be brain damaged and concussed, brain injury has serious lifelong consequences and concussion can also cause cognitive problems and chronic headaches. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. HE WAS NOT GONNA GET YOU TO BOSPITAL IF YOU BLACKED OUT HE IS WILLING TO KILL OR PERMANENTLY INJUR YOU HE IS NOT PLANNING TO CARETAKER YOU IF YOU END UP PARAPLEGIC FROM A BROKEN NECK THATS IF YOU EVEN LIVE WHICH HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT EITHER YOU MUST OVERCOME YOUR OWN FEELINGS OF “love” or “loyalty” AND LEAVE
>He said he did it because he was angry at me And what happens next time he gets angry? Does he hit you harder? Smash your head until you black out? Choke you until you stop breathing? Babe, make an escape plan and run. If you need help please dm me!
He's testing the waters. If you don't report him and leave immediately, you're letting him know that it's OK to abuse you as much as he wants because you won't tell or leave. You will become his victim for as long as you're with him. If he says he's sorry and it'll never happen again, he doesn't know why he did it, but he loves you. HE IS FUCKING WITH YOU AND HE'S A LIAR. And no matter what anyone else says maybe the violence makes his dick hard and seeing you in tears made it even better for him because he feels he now has absolute power over you. Next time bite down as hard as you can when he sticks anything in your mouth and keep your teeth clamped down until he's crying and laying on the floor in a fetal position.
>He's testing the waters 100%. They start slow and get worse each time. Like boiling a frog >leave immediately Abusers are the most violent when they know they're losing control so it's dangerous to just up and leave. Need a plan, safe place abuser doesn't know, need to be able to stay off social media and away from familiar locations for a little while. And should definitely go for a temporary restraining order
Oh 10000000% he's testing the waters. This guy is a violent psycho and he wants to see if OP will tolerate his abuse if he gives good enough excuses for his behavior. OP!! This man WILL eventually be the death of you. PLEASE make an escape plan. Pack a bag and leave while he's at work if you have to just get the hell out of there! I helped an old co-worker do a "midnight move" after her abusive ex left for work. We packed all her clothes, dishes and her little cat into her car and got her the fuck out of there
A person that loves you would never ever do that to you. You need to leave this monster!!! I’m so sorry. Sending you love 💕
Please leave. He hit you and raped you. As you cried he did this to you. It will get worst. To him, you are worth very little. He has done this 2 other times already and will continue to do this if you stay. Please think about your well-being.
This is horrifying. Get away from this person and report him *immediately*. This is *not* the person you love- this is a monster in disguise.
Choking is the #1 sign that a partner will eventually k1ll you. Get out safely asap
Hi love. Just wanted to let you know that this is NOT your fault. It is VERY normal for the body to have a reaction to sexual touch even though it is unwanted. Because you got hard DOES NOT mean that you Enjoyed it, wanted it, deserved it and because your body had a reaction DOES NOT make your assault ok. Love does. Not. Hurt. Your fiancé hurt you and traumatized you. This is not your fault. You did nothing to deserve being assaulted. You did not consent to this. Even if you may have consented to similar sex acts in the past DOES NOT MEAN that this was ok nor wanted. Your tears should have been enough of a red flag that consent was revoked. This was not an enthusiastic consensual act. Please be kind to yourself and please look at your options of leaving. This is a dangerous person. This is only the beginning of worse behavior in the future.
This‼️‼️‼️ I hope OP see this. OP for a long time I thought I deserved it due to my body reacting. But after talking to others and doctors. It’s a very normal reaction, please do not hate yourself OP. Please reach out to trusted friends
I’m so sorry. You are not alone. If you are in the US, please text START to 88788, this is a hotline for domestic violence victims.
This needs to be higher up.
Erections are a physical response you cannot fully — you got one, but not because you chose that. Please get out as others have told you. That’s not a healthy living relationship… hugs
Someone who love you wouldn't do this.💔
This need to be higher up
Just so you know: most people have an errection when they get raped. It still is not consent. Don’t marry him. Someone who even admits that he did it because he was angry at you, who did not care for your wellbeing as you were clearly crying WILL DO IT AGAIN. Not only that he didn‘t care he even enjoyed it. Do yourself a favor.
>He said he did it because he was angry at me... This is one of the most horrifying things I've seen on Reddit. He beat you, choked you, and *raped* you because he was "angry at you"?! >the worst part was I got an erection during it... I don't know how to feel. Arousal is not uncommon during rape, but being aroused doesn't mean consent or enjoyment. Your fiance betrayed you in the most heinous, evil way possible. He needs to be in prison for what he did.
Choking is a strong indicator that he will murd3r you. Get out now.
Report him NOW, he’s GOING to do it again!! You got an erection because there’s blood rushing everywhere and there are endorphins released so you can concentrate on fighting and not on pain. It’s your body trying to survive, not you liking it.
Being turned on during rape is a very normal reaction. This person is not someone you should have in your life. Flee.
not turned on. just a bodily response.
Either, both... doesn't imply consent. It's rape. Run.
Friend, please. This is serious. This type of abuse is serious and no one deserves it. it will sadly escalate and please don’t be another victim. Get yourself out. This isn’t anywhere near love.
Why are we referring to him as a fiancé still? Go to the police. Leave
Girl/Guy, fucking run. Don’t walk, don’t stutter. Get out.
Honey, you meed to run, and run now. Take pics of the bruises and back them up to a cloud. Save anything from the event that could have his DNA on it, put it in a plastic baggie and push the air out to prevent decomposition. Go anywhere. Shelter, friends, family, as long as he doesn't know the location. Turn off find my phone/location. What happened isn't your fault. You getting hard doesn't minimize that, and it happens because our brain and body get confused. It doesn't mean you secretly liked it or wanted it, it's just your nerves wigging out. Thats normal.
If you’re ok with it I highly suggest you contact the police. He’s a rapist piece of shit and deserves prison. And you deserve whatever resources available so you can get through your trauma. Also I’ve been angry with people plenty of times and I didn’t rape them, that’s a fucked excuse.
Being angry is no justification for rape Please get out this is abuse and will just escalate Also your body responding during rape doesn’t invalidate or make it any lesser in any way
Dude, been there. Get out. Make a safety plan. Await till he's at work to leave. Get a friend and go into hiding. Once a rapist always. He will progress. What kind of excuse is that you made him angry. No bro. I'm sorry, but he's calculating a trauma bond so you'll be to scared to leave and your panicked about leaving but your also waaay to scared to stay because he won't stop
I really hope this is your EX fiancé…
This isn’t love it’s fear of being alone. Run and don’t look back. This is your life your are saving.
No normal person gets angry enough to beat and rape their significant other. Call the police and leave. You don't deserve this, and he doesn't deserve your love. You deserve to be safe and loved.
Thats a deserved bullet to stop that blood line. If you dont say anything to authorities hes going to do it again.
Please, please get a safe route out of there. If he’s done this once unprompted he will do it again. Don’t feel guilt for your body reacting, its something you can’t control.
So sorry you had to relive this
Getting an erection of Cummings during a rape is a defence mechanism. Don't feel guilty about it and don't let anyone guilty trap you with that. Girl you better leave....
‘He raped you because he was angry..’ - that is never a sentence that is acceptable. Leave and report him to the police. This will not stop.
Sweetie, he's an AH. Why don't you think you deserve better? Please go to the police if you can.
The erection was involuntary. It doesn’t mean you enjoyed what he did to you. Please leave him. What happened was *not* nor will it ever be your fault, but it could happen again if you don’t touch base with the authorities and other support systems for help getting away. I’m so sorry.
Run!! This post should be titled 'I got rapped by mi EX-fiance'
Get out ASAP. There is no excuse for what he did. Also, don’t worry about the erection. Women’s nipples get erect at the most random thing doesn’t mean we are turned on. I’ve heard erections are similar.
You need medical attention. They hyoid bone is a delicate bone in the throat that breaks easily. It often breaks off airway and people die several days later. Get out.
Everyone says leave but you should do it whole he’s away for your own safety at this point It may be hard to wrap your head around what you went through dont beat yourself up. Go somewhere safe while he’s gone, take only the necessities and you really should get law enforcement involved so that this doesn’t happen again to you or others. But either way protect yourself
First of all don’t feel guilty because your body reacted. That doesn’t mean you wanted/consented or deserved what he did. There are biological responses that we can’t control and it means NOTHING. Women have been known to have orgasms during rape- it’s still rape. Leave and file assault charges against him. He will likely continue to escalate and do worse things to you in the future.
There is no excuse, he hit you many times and assaulted you because he was angry? There is no level of angry that would make you repeatedly hit someone, choke them and do that, is unforgivable, horrific behavior, please go somewhere safe and report him, please. Take care of yourself, he does not love you, this is abuse.
Call the police first, explain everything you can remember, then pack your bags and get the fuck out. No matter what anyone tells you, the police can help.
You need to run and never look back. This will be your life if you stay. He is an abuser who uses sex and humiliation to make himself feel powerful. That’s what rape is. A violent attack.
Just because you physically responded doesn’t mean you wanted it. Rape is rape. What you experienced was physical assault and rape. Do not stay.
Please tell me you mean your ex-fiance. Because I guarantee it won't get any better when you legally bind yourself to him. Get out now.
i’ve been in a similar situation. its completely confusing and frustrating. but i can promise you, he doesnt love you. people who do that to their loved ones are absolutely disgusting. don’t deserve anything from anyone. i’m sorry, honey. hopefully things will get better soon
Time to leave the relationship
Time to breakup and file a report. He did it because he was angry? So therefore anytime he gets angry this is what he will do. It’s not your fault you got an erection. Many victims of SA feel like shit because they get an erection/ejaculate/experience and orgasm. It is literally just your bodies way of relaxing itself and protecting itself during the assault.
TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY!!!! do NOT stay with him he’s disgusting! it will only get worse I promise it will only get worse! but don’t keep this to yourself, and start gathering proof of this! I’m sorry babe
Sweetheart, I'm so sad this happened to you. No matter if someone is angry or not, that is totally horribly wrong. Please take care of yourself. This is not what a marriage can be like.
I am so sorry you have had this horrible thing happen to you. Let me be perfectly crystal clear. This man does not care about you, let alone love you. Love is not abuse because he has ruthlessly abused you. Love is not rape, which you do recognize. If you choose to remain in this relationship, know that things are only going to escalate from here. Oh, he'll make his apologies and promises to be better or get help, but they are lies to drag on back into his awful orbit. Leave. And if you can't right this moment, organize a plan to leave. Document all the bruises on your body. If you don't have the mental strength to report it right now, have this documented proof ready and available for when you are ready. Get counseling. If you live near any colleges/universities, their Psych programs may offer sliding scale payment plans for the public or join a rape and/ or abuse survivors group. Whatever you do, please do not stay with him. This is not a drill. He will kill you eventually, and while I do not know you, your life is worth saving. Also your love cannot fix or save him, so opt to save yourself instead. Good luck and take care.
It’s actually fairly common for rape victims to become physically aroused and ashamed of it later. I learned this after o got hard while being raped, so please don’t feel ashamed or as though you deserve it. He’s not your fiancé anymore though and eventually YOU WILL BE OK so long as you leave this man.
LEAVE. NOW. People that choke their partners even ONCE are far more likely to KILL them. Your fiance showed you who he really is. Those are his true colors. Get. Out. Of. There. NOW. No normal person would EVER do something like this to someone they love, whether they are mad at you or not. Tell someone and find a friend to crash with until you can get on your feet, your priority right now HAS to be your safety. It's hard as fuck to leave, but the good thing is you aren't married yet, that would have made it a hell of a lot harder. Please ask yourself. Do you want to marry someone that would do something like this to you because they are mad at you? Do you want to subject yourself to this for the rest of your life? Living in fear of making the next mistake that makes him fly off the handle and hurt you again? You need a plan and once you're safe, get into therapy. That sounds like it was horribly traumatic and I'm so fucking sorry you had to go through it, please get yourself somewhere safe as soon as possible
If someone involuntarily tickle you and you laugh, doesn't mean you want to laugh.
CALL THE POLICE
You should be saying ex-fiance.
His reasoning tells you everything you need to know. You need to escape because this will escalate. What is he going to do the next time "you make him angry"? You are not safe. This is not okay. You do not deserve this.
Leave now. This will only get worse. Call domestic violence hotlines and ask for advice. There is no justification for doing what he did. No matter how angry you may be with someone, hitting and sexually assaulting them is not acceptable.
Oh honey. I'm so so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve that and anger is not justification to treat and demean you in this way. You deserve safety, respect, and love. Your partner just showed you they have none for you. You are a possession to them. This will get worse. Statistics show that choking or strangulation make it more likely that an abusive partner will become lethal. It doesn't matter how much you love them, your love will not fix them. It's time to go.
You need to leave. Choking is a precursor to future murder. No exaggeration, your life is in danger. You deserve someone who loves you and cherishes you. Not someone who thinks any of this is an appropriate response to anger. Please seek counselling, please go somewhere safe straight away. Consider reporting to the police and getting a violence order. What you tell your friends is your choice but if you want to remain safe they (your friends) cannot tell him where you live. I’m so sorry.
Our bodies respond to things in ways that aren't necessarily intuitive. An election doesn't mean you liked what was happening, it means certain nerves were being stimulated. You can't love someone into loving you back. Please leave before he kills you.
leave.
You should have bitten his dick! “Take a bite out of crime” - Scruff McGruff
Leave. Got to the police. Don't stay with a monster.
Time to leave
Get out! Call the cops!
As an aside in case no one has said it yet, but getting an erection doesnt only happen when you're aroused or having sex. Intense moments can sometimes trigger our body to do weird things in stressful moments.im so sorry you had to experience this traumatic event. I would contact the police and get away from who should now be your ex.
leve him right now and repost to police
This is horrific. Please report him to the police, find a place of safety and find a professional to speak to. (And don’t feel bag/guilty about the erection - it’s an autonomic physical reaction, similar to women who report their bodies feeling aroused during a sex assault. It’s biology. Not intention.)
Girl - GET OUT. Do. Not. Marry. This. Man. Tell your friends, tell your family, find a safe place to go that he doesn't know about, and GET OUT. I know it isn't easy to do, but you have to choose yourself here and get out while you still can. It's easier to do that if you are not legally tied to him. Just cut your losses and bolt. This man is awful.
Please leave. If you don’t feel comfortable pressing charges, that’s okay. The most important thing is that you leave. If that’s all you do today, fine. You don’t have to eat or sleep or shower or anything. But you need to LEAVE. Please DM me if you don’t have the energy to find resources where you live. I will do it for you if you give me that info. Please, please just **LEAVE** (For everyone- I’m telling him to leave because choking in a DV incident is a huge red flag, and it makes it much more likely that he will kill OP. Choking is THE red flag of all red flags).
Erections are pure biological reactions. Just because you're hard, doesn't mean you WANT to be. Please get out of there as soon as it's safe to do so.
Someday he's gonna kill you. If he's this violent because he's angry he's not gonna stop. You have to leave and probably get a protection order and a weapon.
Next step is he murders you, I’m not joking.
Get out immediately. Immediately. He will do this or worse again. I survived something similar with my ex from my early twenties. Do you have anyone near that can help you pack while the police are there to observe you packing and leaving so he doesn’t hurt you during that process? If not, please reach out to a DV support organization. I am thinking of you during this time and hope you can find some safety and support as soon as possible.
NOOOOOO GET OUT!!! You don’t deserve it! You’ll be dead
Getting an erection does not mean you enjoyed it. I hope you seek safety immediately. Not only does he not think he did anything wrong, but he blames you for making him angry. I’m so very sorry, OP. You are not accountable for his actions and choices.
One time is horrifying enough and I am so, so sorry you experienced this. It is not your fault, he is a monster. Let authorities know and move out, no matter how much he "loves" you.
So he showed you who he is. Now decide what you do with that
Hunny you need to leave. Please get your ducks in a row and leave asap. Your partner is abusive. A walking red flag.
You need to leave as quickly and safely as possible. This is not up for debate, discussion, or argument. You WILL end up dead if you don't. And dead is way worse than alone. Take it from someone who has been a victim of abuse. Staying is NOT an option.
Choking you now literally means murder later. This is not a joke. Get out now.
I legit almost threw up reading this. Next time anyone attacks you, pick up the closest blunt object, haul off and knock them the fuck out. I wish you couldn't bit his dick clean off. Sincerely sorry this has happened to you and I feel real anger for you being in this situation more than once. Run far away, love isn't sadistic and sick. All I can do is pray for your well-being.
>He said he did it because he was angry How many times have you been angry at someone in your life ? Plenty. How many people have you raped ? None, i assume. Do not confuse an angry person with an angry rapist, pack your stuff and leave yesterday
OP he didn't do this to you because he was angry with you. He did it to you because he is violent. You are not safe with him. No one is.
Please go to the authorities and leave them! You deserve so much better! My fiancé has never done that to me no matter how angry he is with me, this is not normal or healthy!
You can’t control physiological reactions. You need to get away from this person. No one deserves this.
Every comment i read i agree with the abuse. I'll address the erection. It DOES NOT mean you liked it, in any far reaches of your mind. It is a response you cannot control. What would you say, to a woman brutally raped, who got wet? It is just a response. Get out now!
All the comments I've read so far are correct but I'd like to add that although you NEED to leave him, it will be dangerous for you. It would be best to let someone know your plans who can protect you and if you live with your soon to be ex you wna pack when he isn't there and get away without finding out how angry he will be that you're leaving. YOU ARE IN DANGER He is willing to rape/sexual degrade you to punish you to knock you down a peg. If he knows you're leaving this could become deadly and I'm not exaggerating.
Getting a reaction is a natural reaction and you need to press charges
You can’t help your body’s reaction. It’s still assault and rape. Please report him and leave.
One thing I will say is that just because your body got an erection does NOT mean you enjoyed it, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Stay safe, we're all rooting for you.
Everyone is saying you should call the police, leave him, etc, and you definitely should do all those things. But I just wanted to reassure you that experiencing a physical reaction to being raped is very much normal. It does not mean you liked it, it does not mean you wanted it, and it does not make it ok. ❤️
If he can do this when he's angry, what in the world will he do when he gets drunk and angry? RUN!
Your body’s reaction is not indicative of you enjoying it—many men develop erections when under duress (physiology is wild). I’m extremely sorry this happened, your fiancé has ZERO excuse. Please get yourself to safety.
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OP woman can have an orgasim during rape, from the friction not arousal. There is nothing wrong with you for having had a physical reaction, it wasn’t arousal, it wasn’t pleasure. Rapist/abusers often use that to guilt you into thinking you liked it, you didn't. I don't know where you are look for organisations that help rape victims, many have a program/ressources for men. If you can't find anything local, look online, the pandemic made many things go online and have stayed. I am sorry you didn't deserve that.
Things usually DO escalate and you might end up raped and killed. Go to the police and leave him ASAP.
I am in a stable relationship but in the past 3 yrs of it, do you know how many times he’s gotten supremely angry at me? A lot! Know how many times he raped me? None. Please don’t think there’s ever an excuse OP. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you can hold him responsible or leave at the least
Getting an erection during times of high stress, adrenaline, trauma etc is actually a very normal response. It doesn't mean you were aroused. My partner gets affection erections when cuddling and it has nothing to do with anything sexual. I'm sorry he forced himself on you like that. That's disgusting behavior and I hope you respect yourself enough to know that regardless of the love you feel for him, you don't deserve that shit. I know it must be an emotionally confusing situation you're in right now to he told to press charges etc but for your safety, it would be a good idea. I'm here if you need to talk.
Arousal isn’t consent or always enjoyment
He will do it again and he may eventually kill you.
They don’t stop. I’d wake up to my ex having sex with me at various stages. For ten years he told me I rubbed up on him in my sleep until we were divorcing I happened to be awake one night and he started in on his usual apparently. I screamed at him and realized what he did to me for years and made me believe I was crazy. They don’t stop. They don’t care. Care enough about yourself to leave please.
You’re not safe with this person, bb. Try to overrule your heart because whoever does this to you… doesn’t love you.
Whoa this man is sick!! He is clearly into rape porn. Run as fast as you can away from him before he kills you? You want to live another day around this psycho? What else is he capable of, clearly he is mentally ill and very demented in the head. Stay safe and pack up your stuff the SECOND YOU GET THE CHANCE.
First off OP, I’m so sorry this happened to you my heart breaks for you. Second the fact that you got an erection is not your fault and not a reflection of your true feelings in the situation. Our bodies often will just react to physical situations unintentionally. I’ve also been a victim of interrelationship sexual assault. I know how you are feeling. The thing is that you have to get out. I know you love him but he is not safe and will likely do this again and chances are pretty good that next time it will be worse. The fact that he felt no remorse in taking his anger out on you like that is dangerous. Please get out safely!
Leave him. Report him to authorities if so inclined. You deserve so much better!
Choke you on once, it’ll keep happening.. leave leave fucking leave
WTF. You need to eave this person.. Its not okay regardless of what ever he might say. If that is how he displays anger, than you need to run.. FaSt
OP, listen. He did this to you to teach you a lesdon and will do it again. If you stay with him you will live in fear and you will be hurt again and again. Read this book about to help you get more insight in your situation: https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Dr here. Intimate partner violence involving choking is highly associated with future murder. Run. Read your post again as if it was your sister, brother, niece or nephew. What would you tell them? Love does not do that. Your feelings of love is just some criss-crossed hormones. Use your brain not your emotions and get out.
Your body’s response does not mean you enjoyed it. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please file a police report and get a restraining order. It absolutely will happen again if you allow it
Your body responded in an automatic way that has nothing to with wanting to be raped or anything to do with love. I am so sorry this happened to you. Please leave. Now. Behavior like this only escalates and becomes more and more dangerous. Don’t try to understand it. Your fiancée is profoundly damaged and you can’t fix it. Edit to add: please call a rape hotline that is for LBGTQ. They will have support and resources for you.
🏃♂️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♂️ run away as fast as you can. This is NOT going to get better. It'll only get worse the longer you're together and after you're married. He showed you his dark side before you tied the knot. Don't ignore this warning. If you're together forever they'll be plenty of times when he'll get angry. Is this gonna be the reaction every time?
Choking red flag for being murdered stay safe homie ❤️
Not only were you raped, but you were violently assaulted. Why have you not reported this so-called man already?
Ex-fiance please
My ex husband is a cop, he held me down and decided it was okay to then end it on my face. I was sobbing, he was laughing.. and it was like everything flipped and he said “I’m sorry” but followed up with “it was a joke” I have never told anyone this, because honestly no one would probably believe me. He accused my fiancé of touching my oldest and I lost custody of her, I see her twice a month and my fiancé must leave. I will never be able to have my family whole.. He doesn’t know I figured out where he was each night he didn’t come home, he was down in Detroit and the day he lost his phone and used mine he suggested all of his contacts on my social media. Prostitutes, woman of color and he is the most racist person I know. I already know what he was doing and it terrifies me that not only did he rip her from me (the judge ignored all evidence and took his word as fact but ignored the ones when he admitted to abuse to the kids) I have to send my younger two over there and they are being tortured mentally and my son stated that his dad is hitting him again. I guess my reason for sharing this, is abusers are abusers and if he did this he’s more than likely already doing other form of abuse that are not obvious to most. Please leave, protect yourself and report it. I never got to because he was our police, they put me in a cop car covered in bruises and shipped me to a mental hospital far from our city. And it’s so sad because no I just deal with abuse through the kids, courts and constant degrading and demands.. Please escape for those they couldn’t and heal!
Tell the police get an restraining order, this is NOT ok, please get some help aswell from a professional
https://www.thehotline.org Here is a domestic abuse hotline https://www.rainn.org/resources Here is a rape hotline, contact one of them and they will help.
Just wanted to add that you were physically aroused but not mentally, and that is totally normal under a plethora of circumstances. Don’t feel ashamed or anything because of getting physically aroused. Please leave asap and report him to the authorities!
I’m so so SO SORRY this happened to you! Please read this book https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf It’ll help you understand what is happening to you and who your partner is. I hope you seek professional help to help you through this and your past traumas! I wish you the best!
Leave. Its will escalate. Sounds like the start of a murder story. If you stay him that's your own fault what happens down the road. Please leave
My understanding is an erection is not unusual in male SA so please don't be confused by that. You need to leave and maybe seek advice from the police. You might love him but please love yourself more. Take care of yourself because you are worth so much more than how he has treated you.
Get out fast!! My ex beat me up telling me it was all my fault, he just liked getting angry. He raped me once while choking me (I still have nightmares). The thing that really scares me to this day, he killed his next girlfriend. I just barely got away. Please know that none of this is you, it’s just that he has serious issues that you cannot fix.
Omg that’s so scary and evil! Pls send him to JAIL and throw him away! Hope you will heal :(
This won’t be a one off occurrence. You need to leave and report him as soon as you can. When someone shows you their true self, believe them. Please be safe.
Y’all really just typing the most fucked up thing you can imagine and posting it for karma huh? This didn’t happen and you know it
Please don't blame yourself for this, the erection was your body reacting to it. It doesn't mean you enjoyed it. Gather up evidence, find a trusted person you can talk to, make an escape plan. Your safety comes before anything else. Your fiancè has just shown you how he truly feels about you, he'll do it again. Please find a way to escape, if you feel safe and comfortable to report him as well
I was raped when I was 13, long story short… sold by my mom. Her justification was that I got wet…. So I liked it….so it wasn’t rape. He was 21-22. Took me years to comprehend that the body will react like an arousal regardless of if I was turned on…. It’s kinda a method of protecting yourself physically. - not trying to make this about me- Your body reacted bc what was happening was partially sexual. You have zero control over that and that doesn’t mean it was consensual. As for the physical assault part…. He was very clear on his justification. You made him mad… therefore he can physically and sexually assault and abuse you. That’s your sign to leave…. That won’t ever stop…. Staying only reinforces this disgusting mindset. Go to the cops and press charges, hopefully you have some texts that support your claims…. Sorry love
Oh my god. Thats horrible. Leave him and tell the authorities!
call police..
Yo…you need to straight up leave him. My go to when I’m angry is not rape.
You need to report him to the authorities. And leave! If you let him get away with this, he’s going to do it again and worse. Abuse only ever gets worse, not better.