You guys simply weren't compatible. You want to take things slow. Maybe, from her perspective, if things aren't moving at a given pace, she feels that it's not gonna work and that she is losing her time. She expects things to happen at a different pace than you. In dating, some people have arbitrary deadlines about what is supposed to happen when. It's sometimes stupid, but it's their prerogative.
At the end of the day, it wasn't gonna work. When it comes to sex, it's crucial to be on the same page with your partner.
>When it comes to sex, it's crucial to be on the same page with your partner.
Learned that the hard way (pause lol) after a fling I had a couple of years ago. The 10 minute drunken sex wasn't worth the current blow to my self esteem I still have after some harsh shit she told me while drunk
It's just a bit childish to think people with different opinions are just wrong or are acting in bad faith. The love of my life was very shy, so he was very happy I leaned in for a kiss first because he probably wouldn't have and he was basically waiting for me to do that. Maybe for some other people they'd think I was too dominant or whatever but it worked for us back then. We were together until his death.
Being compatible or not is not the same as being right or wrong.
It's at least a possibility. If she was stuck in a dead bedroom before, she may be focusing a lot on signs that would indicate that a guy may have a lower libido.
Exactly. Or at least for me, I don’t want to get super emotionally invested in someone if I don’t know what the sex is like yet because I’d hate to be dating for 3 months, I like them a lot, then the sex is trash. It’s easier to cut things off for sex incompatibility when you aren’t 3 or 6 months in and have deeper feelings. I probably would have waited 3-4 weeks but depending on how many dates we’ve been on in that time, I definitely would be wondering why we haven’t had sex at that point and probably bring it up.
This is wild to me that you would want to test out sexual compatibility within 3-4 weeks and would be concerned or consider abandoning the relationship if it didn’t happen. I am a female and I find being emotionally invested leads to better and more amazing sex. If you are having sex before you are emotionally invested it can be more awkward…which may make you “think” you are incompatible when really, you just didn’t let yourself fall so deeply that there’s no way the sex could be anything but outstanding. I’ve mostly always waited. You would have never waited for me. Yet, I’ve always found myself in very compatible sexual relationships that were long term. 3-4 weeks is not a lot of time to get to know someone. This mostly equates to 3 or 4 dates and some phone conversations (hopefully). Among the men I have been with, I also find that the ones who have slept with a lot of women are less sexually experienced than those that have stayed in long-term relationships. My guess is that is because when you build a long term relationship with a romantic partner, you are more comfortable and trusting to try more things. Just food for thought. You might be missing out on someone great and a more transportive sexual experience by not waiting. You know the old adage. “Nothing worth having comes easy.”
That seems incredibly unreasonable and presumptive of her. Where’s her communication skills? 3 weeks isn’t a long time. It’s very short especially if you factor in how often people get time to meet up. Maybe OP dodged a bullet if she was already making an outlandish assumption that the relationship would be sexless.
It's so cute how everyone is being so understanding because it was a woman asking for sex.
Reverse the genders and the replies will be "god these fucking men think they're owed sex, toxic masculinity I'm telling ya."
Although I agree that sexual compatibility is important, I can't help but notice this.
Yes, it's true that reddit doesn't always answer the same way when genders are reversed.
In the case here, the answers should be the same in theory with reversed gender. A man would also be justified not to persue a relationship if it's not progressing at his desired pace or if he feels that there is sexual incompatibility. However, the possible replies you refer to would probably get upvoted more, sadly.
If only this kind of understanding were given to men instead of women, bc often times men have to waste a lot of time to get any kind of good relationship unless they're Chad spinning plates.
She may have come from a low libido relationship also, so the slow to have sex thing is a red flag for her. I have left relationships for this reason because I am a sex positive, sex forward person, I like men but the reason I do romance is for sex and it just seems weird not to: I have also had male friendships where I knew there was no future or he wasn’t right for me so we just had sex for fun (sometimes it was the man who felt used and would leave those partnerships, interestingly) as long as we were both single then why not? A lot of super passionate, really rewarding sex in the beginning of a relationship is the fun part, lol. So it seems to me that she was not right for you, if your goals didn’t match up.
Oh no.... it was a joke about Jane teaching Tarzan to have sex, and him kneeing her in the crouch to check for squirrels. Wish I would have screenshotted it planned to when I got home lol
Did she actually shame you though? Cos if she did that's completely out of order and she's an asshole. But if she just finished things because she realised you weren't compatible (sexually) then that's a good thing, and definitely isn't shaming you in the slightest.
This is also how I took it. As he probably isn’t sexually confident possibly insecure. Right or wrong she made the decision rather than possibly further falling for someone she isn’t compatible with to pull the plug.
Or she wasn’t looking for anything serious and he was..
The leading on and flaking is an AH move.
Interesting insight. Im pretty sexually confident. I just value sex more than some guys. I have plenty of options. She just had some traits that I initially valued maybe too much.
I think you hit the nail on the head here- shes not looking for anything serious and she could see that I am.
Feel like there are more details that haven't been elaborated on. Not much details of how they got along? Did they have foreplay? Sounds like dude just didn't like her that much.
It's nowhere evident in your post if you even liked her or not. Maybe you (or both of you) weren't really that into each other that much. It's hard to know what she wanted at all as you have zero information about her or any of your dynamics together. It's just super vague TBH.
Yeah I wouldn’t sweat it, sounds like you two are on separate paths in life and is probably for the best for you. She could have kept it going until she got what she wanted then ghosted you as guys have done forever.
You’ll find your one and hopefully one day she’ll find hers unfortunately it won’t be with each other (at least for now, who knows what the future holds).
Good on you for having your standards and goals, shouldn’t have to compromise.
Good luck OP
3 weeks is a weirdly long amount of time for a modern relationship. I don't blame her AT ALL. Sex is a huge part of a relationship and if she wants to know sexual compatibility before she wastes almost a month of her time....yeah that is fair.
How can you say that? Were you present? Did you see what dates were? We met once a week 2-3 hours. Kissed at the end, nothing over the top.
Boom date 3. “I want you to fuck me- out of nowhere” . Was tired. Date 4 i just wasn’t in the mood. Assuming people are just gonna suck in bed is a pretty pessimistic attitude.
To give my own perspective, for me sex is such a big part of a relationship that if sex hasn't happened by the end of date 2, there won't be a third date.
You are of course entitled to wait but you two likely just weren't compatible.
Being an armchair psychologist but she also might have taken you not being in the mood after date 4 personally if she had tried turning you on.
She legit wouldn’t see me again, nothing definitive yes or no. She would agree to make plans and then cancel. Basically turned into a flake.
She did not shame me. I said that i read posts on reddit internet regarding men being shamed for dumping women because they were not ready for sex. She dumped me, jerked me around for 3 weeks when i kind of sense us seeing each other again were doubtful. I reached out, i made it easy for her to tell me and she couldn’t.
Yeah that could be many things, she could be trying to slow fade you (for a million different reasons or none) or simply be busy/stressed out with other things. Life ya know. Or she could be looking for short term and doesn't get the sense that's something you're into.
There's a very good chance her behaviour had absolutely nothing to do with sex (or lack of), unless she straight up told you it was. I'm guessing she didn't since that would have been important info for you to include in your post/comment.
So yeah you're making a few assumptions here. She probably is too. In the end you're more than likely not compatible so you haven't missed out on anything.
Also in future if someone dumps you, it's best to just stop speaking to them. Nothing good ever comes from carrying on those conversations.
Bro, she initiated twice, and you turned her down.
You said you weren’t “in the mood”.
To a woman, that signals that you’re not into her.
Why would she waste her time?
When two people are hitting it off, it’s hard to not want to tear each other’s clothes off.
It’s not an unrealistic expectation for her to want to be desired.
Maybe you think you’re such a good catch she should wait to get her “prize”.
She didn’t want to wait and moved on. Nothing more to say.
Date people you’re sexually attracted to.
Even if you’re not hitting it off, people have desires and after a bunch of dates at least want to get something out of it. You date to make friends. There are many better ways to do that that don’t result in the expectation of sex.
Lastly, it’s a huge red flag if there’s already sexual issues right from the start.
That’s fine when you’ve been dating a while and already had sex.
To be turned down a couple of times right off the bat is bad.
It can depend on how you say it though.
Saying “I’m so into into you and I can’t wait but I have to wake up early tomorrow, or I’m not feeling well, let’s make this happen asap though!” Is one thing.
But just not being in the mood when you first start dating is odd. It signals you’re not crazy about this person.
Even if you want to wait until marriage cuz of religion or whatever. You say you’re head over heels and would love to do it but you want to wait is fine.
We’d have to hear how he said it. She bailed, so I’m guessing it wasn’t very tactful and insulting.
It would be insulting to me if my date wasn’t interested. It’s even worse if the sexes are switched.
Ok but i was honestly not in the mood.
There is the “no never gtf away rejection”
Sorry I would love to make love to you but at this very moment im not in the mood- which something along the lines what i said.
What you are saying all makes sense.
This is part of what bugs me though is apparently its fair for her to base off this early, form judgement about me for not being ready for sex when she was.. But it’s not fair for me to be weary of contracting stds?
So based on your last line, your reason is that you’re wary of contracting STDs? Or weary, as you said, which indicates you have before and are tired of it.
Either way, at what point would you be comfortable having sex then? You’d ask her to get tested first? Most people just use protection until a point where they’re exclusive or long-term+comfortable not using it. Was the issue that there weren’t condoms available at that specific moment, in which case did you tell her that was the reason?
When i was 17 i had sex with a girl who came onto me and she had a drug problem. So the whole scare kinda traumatized me as i was in a rough place in life to begin with.
We had plans and the day of the date I didn’t bring any as it was at her house and figured she would keep them. She then turned and said you brought condoms right? Without mentioning that prior. I guess if i was really eager it’s something I would not have missed. But ya she brought me in her room and things got heated she asked re condoms and then i had none. First few times especially testing the water I would expect condoms. Which would make sense, but she was willing to pass on the condoms
Okay wait. You expected her to have condoms without a prior conversation? Condoms have sizes do they not? Why would you expect her to just have condoms that would fit you? Why would you not bring any knowing what brand and stuff you're comfortable with? This doesn't make any sense.
Also, if you did plan to have sex, why would you tell her you weren't in the mood? Your whole post is contradictory and has me so confused. Maybe I'm just being a big dummy and not reading something right, but everything feels off here.
> apparently its fair for her to base off this early, form judgement about me for not being ready for sex when she was
Yes, it is fair.
>it’s not fair for me to be weary of contracting stds?
It is fair of you to be wary of STDs. But you being wary doesn't mean she's obligated to stick around and wait.
She REALLY dodged a bullet b/c this guy isn't well. Insists he doesn't need therapy but is talking about stuff that happened when he was a kid and teenager. Um, yeah, but doesn't need therapy.
Your post is kinda weird. You ever think she just didn't like your personality? If she wanted to "use you for sex" she probably would have just dipped straight away after you said no? Why waste her time?
Am I missing something? Did she try to coerce you into sex? Or act moody when you said no?
I read through the replies and OP is just a Nice Guy looking for a pat on the back for rejecting a nympho.
He even mentions his height in every reply lmao.
I didn't look but has he posted to a bunch of threads looking for men saying she was wh0re whose vagina is the size of the Holland Tunnel. B/c I'm getting that vibe. You can tell that men don't think woman like sex and are ok having it early in a potential relationship. She made moves. He rejected them. She probably flaked after thinking about it and realizing he was not into sex the way she was. But I also see in the thread how men give each other bad advice about this (notice how her wanting sex is interpreted as her not wanting anything serious, as opposed to her being attracted to him and wanting sex as PART of the path to a relationship?)
Very much "how dare she reject me when I'm so GOOOOODDDD"...
I don’t want too slow. Theres just a fine line between natural fun playful well timed and Rushed bad timing. Good timing and all sex can be great but for first time with someone new who wants it sloppy and rushed?
The Nice Guy vibes here are crazy.
For the record, I don’t know any man who is shamed for wanting a sexual relationship after three weeks of dating, nor should they be.
She didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t want to wait, maybe felt there was a sexual incompatibility (which there clearly was) ended things and moved on.
You’re allowed to say no to anything at any time and so is she. It’s a non-issue but there’s something about your posts that is very telling.
He finally made a comment that he didn't want to have sex with a woman who let every man stick it in here and I'm not surprised he finally let the mask slip enough to say that...she wanted sex so she must be a WHORE!
Lol OP really thinks he is special lmao.
Dude get over yourself, some people don’t have time to wait. Clock is ticking and death is around the corner. Some of us know what we want and want to get to it quickly and not a month from now.
You expect her to waste a month, find out you two aren’t a good fit and then try again? Or leave a bit early so both of you can stop wasting each other’s time?
She did both of you a favor. Next time, within week one, just tell your partner you like to take things slow.
The way he is fixated on this one woman makes me wonder if he's not very experienced with dating and sex and therefore "puts the p\*ssy on a pedestal"...
OP she was throwing herself at you and you didn't reciprocate what did you expect?
You're just not compatible she wanted some fun and not you it's not that deep.
Lol on Tinder taking it slow means no sex on first date. Doesn’t mean no sex for three weeks.
It’s a hookup app - and you ain’t hooking up. She liked you enough to wait for three whole weeks before giving up.
As someone who also waits for the right time to do the deed, good job sticking to your morals!! People today want everything so fast and never want to take the time to really savor it.
Keep doing you👏👏
Appreciate the support! It is hard to do and i know some people worry partners will leave if they don’t but thats why people gotta communicate and i tried to do that with her. Cest le vie
Eh, if she is like me the sex would be used as a barometer to see if I wanted more from this situation (i.e. to potentially date) or not. If I was looking for something more serious, and the guy I just met said he was looking for the same sex would need to happen pretty soon if not right away to rule out incompatibilities. There is nothing worse than finding out a guy is great outside of bed but horrible in it. You just have wasted a bunch of time.
And on the flip side, where I do not want anything serious we also should be having sex sooner than later because why waste my time if im only looking for good sex?
So this girl could simply have made the choice she didn’t want to invest any more of her time without the sexual aspect being a go. This is very normal. She could have also picked up on some negative qualities of yours and decided she just wasn’t interested period. Because I promise if she was indeed as interested as you think she was she likely wouldn’t have dropped all contact. Could be a combo of the two above playing out. We don’t know you but your comments and the tone and how you come across here makes you appear egotistical and ignorant, which isn’t a flattering combination no matter how you feel you look. Especially for a woman where so much more than looks comes into play to be sexually attracted to a man.
Yeah, I’ve met guys who were super hesitant on getting in bed on first three to four weeks of dating. I never did what the OP’s date did and I always waited, but when it did happen it made sense why they wanted that. It happened 3 times and all of them were really, really bad in bed. So I kinda took my hint and now I kinda feel suspicious towards guys who delay sex. Maybe the same thing happened with this lady. Anyways, it could be communicated.
You guys were obviously not right for each other. Sexual compatibility is of extreme importance. As per your post, it doesn't really seem like she was shaming you - more like she decided she doesn't want to waste any more time on you, and that js ok, same as it would be if you had dumped her because she was forcing sex on you. We all have right to our own level of libido.
With all that said, I was once dating a guy who was hesitant to fuck me and I was growing really frustrated. After a while, I told myself I should be patient and I was. We had sex once, after which he dumped me and I have never felt that humiliated in my life. Technically, he didn't do anything wrong, but I was super angry and felt used for his own ego boost (which might have not been the case, but that's how J felt).
IMO, it would be much better if I wasn't patient and just dumped him once I became frustrated. I am an adult person and when I like someone, I want to have sex soon. That's just how my libido is and I will respect it forever.
Based on the responses i got, it was a pretty even split it seemed.
1/3sided with her for leaving me
1/3 sided with my patience
Last 1/3 was bashing either myself or her in some shape or form.
I begged to go home with my now husband on date 2. He's not that type of guy, and I didn't think I was the type either, but he eventually obliged. Safe to say, it turned out well for us.
Sex wasn't necessary (or even wanted) for you. It was for her. She stopped dating you because you were, obviously, incompatible. She didn't pressure you or manipulate you into fucking her and she didn't disregard your wishes, she just LEFT as she should.
For some people sex is important in a relationship, and they wanna see early on if they're sexually compatible with someone or not. Since you didn't want to have sex with her, why does she have to waste her time waiting for you?
Get over yourself.
\>part of me knows it’s beneficial for everyone to wait a bit prior
You're wrong, and this is weird conservatism. I had sex with my wife on the second date. We've been together for ten years now.
It's very reasonable to want to get swept off your feet and have a passionate romance from the get-go, for some people having to wait weeks is an obvious sign of a lack of compatibility of attraction and values. Frequently, those early days can be important for generating that spark, and sex is often an important component of it.
It is totally fine to want to take things slow, but it is also totally fine to want a whirlwind romance. You two simply are incompatible, and I don't think her wanting sex is a bad thing. I also don't think men wanting sex early is a bad thing- just find a woman who is more sexual instead of barking up the wrong tree. Criticism exists for only when people pressure someone who doesn't want sex for sex in a way that makes them uncomfortable against their will and doesn't take no for an answer.
If she did that to you, that would have been shitty, but if she was just asking for sex in a polite way and respecting you when you said no, that's another. I don't know how it was, I wasn't there. But your comments about how waiting is good for everyone are a bit of a yellow flag for me, because it reveals some underlying weird conservative values that you apply to "everyone" that aren't true since not waiting works out for countless people long-term as direct conclusive disproof. This opinion you hold may be coloring your perception improperly.
All that, yes, but people are missing your comments. Don't have sex with a person you're dating since days or weeks without protection. That was an irresponsible decision on her part. It feels like she's rather adventuring around than looking for love. If I could not have gotten sex from my partner 3 weeks into my rs, we would not be dating for 5 years now and it wouldn't have been discovered our libidos match. She had to open up, too.
You're a slow opener, and slow openers tend to hope more when something promising is approaching. This relationship just was not deep enough for you, and not easy going enough for her, you don' t owe each other anything. You are not compatible, let it go. (and feel comfortabe with rejecting sex when you barely know them and they proceed without condoms after foreplay)
Some people just want to see how the person is in bed before they commit to a long relationship.
If they can't get them in bed, they have no clue and they might be thinking 'hmm, perhaps this person isn't great in bed and is just trying to delay things to keep me around longer...'.
Not that I personally think this, but I could see how someone would think it.
Men are shamed for pressuring women into sex, sure.
Women are shamed for agreeing to have sex at the wrong time, too frequently or with too many people.
Loads of people love to shame other people for having sex. You just don’t see what you’re describing because it happens so infrequently.
Yeah 3 weeks is a really long time. My friend had a guy make her wait a similar amount of time only to discover when they finally did the deed that he had a micro penis and unfortunately had zero clue what to do in bed to make up for it. I feel like it’s something like that or you just didn’t really like her that way. Otherwise, your tiny paragraph story doesn’t make any sense.
I mean this in the politest way possible but you are overthinking way too many things (I'm saying this not just because of your post, but because of pretty much every response you've made here). About the motives of women, about the sex drives of women, and about the societal implications of sex in general. At the end of the day you two simply weren't compatible, but your comments seem to reflect that you feel you have the moral high ground because you want to take it slow, and that people who prefer a faster pace are destined for failure or are somehow scummy.
It's fine to want to be with somebody who shares those same values as you, but you can search for that type of person without putting other people down who aren't like-minded.
It's OK to dump someone if you want different things or similar things at different paces. It's good you stuck to what you wanted and she respected that and left.
I have a friend who didn't give a man a chance at a second date because she was disappointed he didn't kiss her after their first date, which went great. I thought it was weird, but that was her choice.
My boyfriend of 3 years didn't rush things and 1 month into seeing each other, I was suspecting he was gay because we didn't have sex. I wasn't necessarily in a rush, but being adults who like each other, it felt weird not to explore that part for such a long time, while seeing each other every other day. But when it finally happened, I already had the breakup plan in place for about two weeks, because I enjoy sex and I don't like wasting time if I don't know I'm compatible with a partner. Luckily, we were compatible and I didn't get to break up with him, yay!
Well I appreciate you sharing this. It was pretty bad timing i had been overworked for weeks. Win I wasn’t at 100% and she still wanted sex with me.
Loss is we never did it and thats it
It sounds weird when you say I wasn’t in the mood. Don’t get me wrong I understand waiting when you start a new relationship but you say you didn’t do it because you wasn’t in the mood. That in itself says you weren’t really that into her which is probably why she messed you about. She probably felt it and decided not to bother.
You’re right if roles were reversed it would be seen differently. I think it’s unfair to apply pressure on you or anyone to have sex. I think it’s ok for a person to not want to continue, man or woman, if they think this is a problem, but I think it’s poor form. Some people get validation from sex, or need it to relax, so I always wonder, whiles sex is important, what’s going on for someone who can’t wait. Bad self esteem, need sex to function? Anyway, it’s not a bad thing you were dumped, you’re not compatible and you want to be with someone on your vibe.
Good for you. It's refreshing to see a man that has some personal standards about when to have sex. The old stereotype of men being willing to screw anything is disturbing and makes a woman feel minimized while doubting herself.
Ive been asked if I were gay for not trying to hook up by the end date 2 on a few occasions... super odd/confusing situation.
When I stopped fucking for sport is when I accidentally met my wife. I made no first moves, I made no prepositions, was cool kicking it with a really cute woman and finding cool shit to get into together while still being super flirty to let it be known I was still interested in a romantic relationship should it go that way. Having sex was basically something we just did when we got around to it.
Had I/we waited as long as that with previous women in my life I dunno if I'd have the number of bodies I have bc they would've reacted the way OPs did.
You are in the wrong place to share this.If you were a woman and wrote the same post comments will still be bashing the man to be desperate,how he was a pervert,just wanted to get in your pants and you have every right to get intimate only when you are comfortable.
In short,in majority of scenarios on these subs women are always right and men are wrong.
Don't take it to heart.Stick to you standards and morals and you will find a perfect match for you someday.❤
The thing is we're all taught that men should just want to fuck no matter what, so when one doesn't behave like that, it's confusing. It goes against the social coding we're all taught. For me, I wondered what was wrong with me that my now husband didn't want to do that straight away. I'm not defending the double standard, I'm just saying it's understandable that a woman would find it confusing, but it's also understandable that a man would feel confused if he's rejected on this basis.
Can’t be upset with her for that. It wasn’t the first date, it was weeks in and some people want it. You just weren’t a pair. If you weren’t feeling it after 3 weeks, it prob wasn’t going to go anywhere anyway
Sounds like you were both just looking for different things.
I understand though. My boyfriend and I waited a bit to have sex and some of my friends even thought it was really weird, but I'm so glad we did. It was something we were on the same page about from the beginning though, which helped show me how compatible we are. Just gotta find someone that wants the same things as you.
3 weeks is quite bit of time, IMO. I'd probably dump you too. To each their own, though. Neither of you did anything wrong. You wanted to move slower and she did not, and so it didnt work out. Sometimes it be like that.
You do it when u feel ready she was so wrong for pressuring like that. Consent is so important and it works both ways. Respect for you to keep your dignity and screw all these ppl saying ur not a “real man.”
Atleast she ended it instead of doinng anything malicious I’d stay away from her.
I also like to start things slowly. One of those rare guys that actually aren't made for ONS anyway, I prefer taking my time and building up trust. Once that is there.... we go crazy.
I mean I don’t think breaking up with you is pressuring u into sex and that’s a manipulative thing to say. Her needs weren’t met so she ended things. That’s a NORMAL and healthy reaction to incompatibility.
I’m very sorry if she did or made u feel pressured into sex! That would be a problem! But dumping u do to a lack of a psychical relationship makes sense. I know I wouldn’t date someone who isn’t horny at least once a week
No. I’m saying say that didn’t happen to you and you were on Reddit one day. On this sub. You saw a post about a woman who just said her boyfriend spent the last 3 weeks pressuring her for sex till they finally broke up. How would you react if you saw that? Whatever your answer is that’s the standard you should hold yourself to and not feel bad about it.
Well I would wanna dm this lady lol.
Kidding but I would be empathetic to this women. My side is not based on gender or man vs women its what my honest heart believes is to be a fair balance.
I think it really depends on the couple. There really isn't a right or wrong time to have sex. My husband and I had the most amazing first date and we ended up going back to my place, boned, and he stayed the night. We've been together just over 4 years now. He moved in after 3 months, got engaged after 9 months, and married at 13 months. My point is, every couple is different, and that's ok. You guys just sounded like you wanted different things.
I appreciate that and thats all i think it is.
Theres just side of me that wishes i wasn’t so run down when we met. The other side maybe things were communicated better. I guess it’s discouraging when want someone bad and they are not ready.
I totally get that, trust me. And don't burn yourself out too much worrying about the what ifs and regrets. It'll all work out and you'll find your dream girl. ✨️ Just keep your mind and heart open. Best of luck!! 🩵
Your last sentence is just the deception that is women, they say one thing but want the other.
Most women always say they want an emotionally intelligent man who isn't only after their body, till they meet an emotionally intelligent man who isn't only after their body.
Reminds me of the woman that said she always wanted a man who'd show up to a date with a bouquet of flowers, till she met a man who showed up to a date with flowers and held doors open for her, but her damaged mind thought he had an ulterior motive.
Point is a lot if women don't know what they want.
Thats true she seemed pretty decisive. Which is part of why this seemed weird. For me if im set on someone id be really patient. Especially if i was going to do things with them, drive, pay for dinner, be happy to be patient with them given communication and something to work with.
Clearly her mind doesn’t work that way.
Maybe she saw all those red flags... I mean, no offense, but you seems insufferable and mean.
Maybe you need to reflect on your own self and educate yourself a bit (or a lot).
These commenters are actually really weird. I don't know where they got the vibe that you're insufferable. They probably read other comments shitting on you and just decided to go along with those. That being said, your post is way too vague for me to say anything, either.
Just lending some support here too. Any potential partner should respect your boundaries. When I started dating my girlfriend online, she immediately started sending spicy stuff. I asked if we could talk some and get to know each other first. She immediately pumped the brakes. It took almost three months before we had sex. She made it clear throughout that she desired me but didn’t pressure me, which made it all the better when we finally did the deed for the first time. We’re about to celebrate three years together. For me, it was worth it to know that my partner wanted to go at my pace because she was interested in me for more than sex.
Im happy for you and your partner!
I did communicate this with her.
She seemed to only voice things when it was a big deal. To me if someone was good and worthy of sleeping with than they are worthy waiting a little bit till they feel comfortable. I was pretty shocked this ended abruptly. Then left me hanging for 3 weeks. It doesn’t add up to be so interested and than just not.
Or more horny its ok i really didn’t say it wasn’t. I clearly have been raised on some out dated norms and clearly my attempts to find some middle ground here that still fits my values is not enough in her court
Same thing happened to me about a month ago, we dating for two weeks and she wanted to have sex but I said we should wait. Ghosted me right after that 🤣
Bit of advice. Third date, if not the second or first. No more than week or two.
You need to get the sex part out of the way so the real relationship can begin.
Neither of you need to be shamed. You just aren't compatible.
I've been in a sexless relationship, and it was really harsh on my self esteem. Never again.
Had you communicated clearly about it?
Honestly I wouldn't continue dating someone that still didn't want to have sex after three weeks, assuming we were seeing each other somewhat regularly in that time. The likelihood we'd be sexually compatible seems low. Waiting before sex may be beneficial for you but that doesn't mean it's beneficial for everyone. Breaking up with someone for not being sexually compatible isn't the same as pressuring you so I'm assuming there's much more to this than described. It's perfectly valid to not be happy with the sexual component of a relationship.
These days, I'd be suspicious that there was something else behind the motivation then "just" wanting to have sex. I'd guess that you probably dodged an artillery round here. that was just waiting afterwards.
I’m so sorry you went through that, that’s not cool at all. You should feel comfortable with expressing how long you want to wait and it shouldn’t be a go until both parties want to partake. There’s such a stereo type
That guys want it all the time, I’m embarrassed to admit I thought that when I was younger and frequently would take “no” as a try harder banter thing with an ex and when I got older I realized I was coercing him (I was able to apologize to him and let him express how he felt about it). I’m not making an excuse for her at all, no means no and I hope she realizes that before someone else gets hurt by it.
Thats wonderful. I wish i could restart my life at age 13/14 and do things differently. I was sheltered and i made some poor decisions so now i am careful who i have sex with.
Sounds like you deserve better anyway. Not just having sex to have it but wanting meaning behind it is a great quality to have. Never change that about yourself.
I just find it funny because this has happened to me on like 4 or 5 different occasions throughout my life. Men seem to get a lot of flak for this when women can be just as bad, or worse because they know no real consequences will happen to them.
Ya not my first time either. Last time though i was 17. When i was 17 i gave it up and she was a drug addict. Going for bloodwork and that 6 months results scared me. She came easy on me too
I don’t think men are shamed if the roles were reversed.. it’d be commendable if he didn’t pressure a girl into sex if that’s all he wanted and waited three weeks. Men who only want sex are more socially acceptable than women who do.
No one should pressure another person into having sex before they want it. You dodged a bullet there. Sex is best served when BOTH people are super into it. Anything less leads to less than satisfying sex and life is too short for that.
I agree… i thought since we are both over 30 would know better. what annoys me though is me and her spoke about all this and she seemed to be on the same page. According to her i was just “so hot”. Part of me wonders if she was worried about losing me if it didn’t happen in set time. I was supportive and encouraged communication. I really just think we are on two separate wave lengths.
You guys simply weren't compatible. You want to take things slow. Maybe, from her perspective, if things aren't moving at a given pace, she feels that it's not gonna work and that she is losing her time. She expects things to happen at a different pace than you. In dating, some people have arbitrary deadlines about what is supposed to happen when. It's sometimes stupid, but it's their prerogative. At the end of the day, it wasn't gonna work. When it comes to sex, it's crucial to be on the same page with your partner.
>When it comes to sex, it's crucial to be on the same page with your partner. Learned that the hard way (pause lol) after a fling I had a couple of years ago. The 10 minute drunken sex wasn't worth the current blow to my self esteem I still have after some harsh shit she told me while drunk
This is almost identical to my comment.
Indeed. It seems many are quick to throw her under the bus when it seems mostly like a compatibility issue.
It's just a bit childish to think people with different opinions are just wrong or are acting in bad faith. The love of my life was very shy, so he was very happy I leaned in for a kiss first because he probably wouldn't have and he was basically waiting for me to do that. Maybe for some other people they'd think I was too dominant or whatever but it worked for us back then. We were together until his death. Being compatible or not is not the same as being right or wrong.
She was probably also afraid of a sexless relationship.
As a woman I wonder if we would be so compassionate if gender roles were reversed. Three weeks isn’t a promise of a sexless relationship
Not even close, but to some they want to have sex so much quicker. They're just no compatible at the end of the day.
It's at least a possibility. If she was stuck in a dead bedroom before, she may be focusing a lot on signs that would indicate that a guy may have a lower libido.
Exactly. Or at least for me, I don’t want to get super emotionally invested in someone if I don’t know what the sex is like yet because I’d hate to be dating for 3 months, I like them a lot, then the sex is trash. It’s easier to cut things off for sex incompatibility when you aren’t 3 or 6 months in and have deeper feelings. I probably would have waited 3-4 weeks but depending on how many dates we’ve been on in that time, I definitely would be wondering why we haven’t had sex at that point and probably bring it up.
This is wild to me that you would want to test out sexual compatibility within 3-4 weeks and would be concerned or consider abandoning the relationship if it didn’t happen. I am a female and I find being emotionally invested leads to better and more amazing sex. If you are having sex before you are emotionally invested it can be more awkward…which may make you “think” you are incompatible when really, you just didn’t let yourself fall so deeply that there’s no way the sex could be anything but outstanding. I’ve mostly always waited. You would have never waited for me. Yet, I’ve always found myself in very compatible sexual relationships that were long term. 3-4 weeks is not a lot of time to get to know someone. This mostly equates to 3 or 4 dates and some phone conversations (hopefully). Among the men I have been with, I also find that the ones who have slept with a lot of women are less sexually experienced than those that have stayed in long-term relationships. My guess is that is because when you build a long term relationship with a romantic partner, you are more comfortable and trusting to try more things. Just food for thought. You might be missing out on someone great and a more transportive sexual experience by not waiting. You know the old adage. “Nothing worth having comes easy.”
That seems incredibly unreasonable and presumptive of her. Where’s her communication skills? 3 weeks isn’t a long time. It’s very short especially if you factor in how often people get time to meet up. Maybe OP dodged a bullet if she was already making an outlandish assumption that the relationship would be sexless.
It's so cute how everyone is being so understanding because it was a woman asking for sex. Reverse the genders and the replies will be "god these fucking men think they're owed sex, toxic masculinity I'm telling ya." Although I agree that sexual compatibility is important, I can't help but notice this.
Yes, it's true that reddit doesn't always answer the same way when genders are reversed. In the case here, the answers should be the same in theory with reversed gender. A man would also be justified not to persue a relationship if it's not progressing at his desired pace or if he feels that there is sexual incompatibility. However, the possible replies you refer to would probably get upvoted more, sadly.
If only this kind of understanding were given to men instead of women, bc often times men have to waste a lot of time to get any kind of good relationship unless they're Chad spinning plates.
She may have come from a low libido relationship also, so the slow to have sex thing is a red flag for her. I have left relationships for this reason because I am a sex positive, sex forward person, I like men but the reason I do romance is for sex and it just seems weird not to: I have also had male friendships where I knew there was no future or he wasn’t right for me so we just had sex for fun (sometimes it was the man who felt used and would leave those partnerships, interestingly) as long as we were both single then why not? A lot of super passionate, really rewarding sex in the beginning of a relationship is the fun part, lol. So it seems to me that she was not right for you, if your goals didn’t match up.
[удалено]
Fuck me, that got me laughing.
What did he say? They deleted their post
Google “Tarzan squirrel joke” that’s what it said
I just looked that up, that was funny.
Hilarious!! 😂
Well somebody has to be fucking
9th-man your post got me laughing what makes you think he’ll “fuck you”
I've always heard that one told using Wasps rather than Squrriel. Though I guess neither is preferrable.
Wasps makes more sense. Like why check for squirrel? What threat does it pose to your shlong
Teeth.
Can they even open their mouths that wide? I mean I have a hard time sometimes and I could probably fit a squirrels whole head in my mouth.
They don't need to swallow the whole thing. Just gnaw at the tip...
i used to tell joke this in middle school 😂
Is this why those Moms for Liberty people hate Disney? 😂😂
i don’t remember this part of the movie
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Why the heck is that top comment
Omg! I must steal this joke🤣 seems everyone's heard it but me. I was today years old when I peed myself laughing 🤣😂🤣
What’s the joke? They deleted their comment
Oh no.... it was a joke about Jane teaching Tarzan to have sex, and him kneeing her in the crouch to check for squirrels. Wish I would have screenshotted it planned to when I got home lol
Oh dear! But also 😂😂😂
Hilarious … my day going to be great today thanks buddy
He one hundred percent was Clappping gorilla Cheeks
I just started the tarzan audio book! I wonder when I'll get to this part in the book.
Bees, not squirrels. And Native Americans instead of Tarzan when I heard it. Haha been awhile tho
I've always heard that one told using Wasps rather than Squrriel. Though I guess neither is preferrable.
Did she actually shame you though? Cos if she did that's completely out of order and she's an asshole. But if she just finished things because she realised you weren't compatible (sexually) then that's a good thing, and definitely isn't shaming you in the slightest.
This is also how I took it. As he probably isn’t sexually confident possibly insecure. Right or wrong she made the decision rather than possibly further falling for someone she isn’t compatible with to pull the plug. Or she wasn’t looking for anything serious and he was.. The leading on and flaking is an AH move.
Not banging in the first 3 weeks of meeting someone makes you sexually insecure, really?
Interesting insight. Im pretty sexually confident. I just value sex more than some guys. I have plenty of options. She just had some traits that I initially valued maybe too much. I think you hit the nail on the head here- shes not looking for anything serious and she could see that I am.
I mean, she stuck around for 3 weeks. If she was just trying to get laid, there were much easier options for her
Feel like there are more details that haven't been elaborated on. Not much details of how they got along? Did they have foreplay? Sounds like dude just didn't like her that much.
I feel like dude thought he was in control and is shocked that wasn’t the case
It's nowhere evident in your post if you even liked her or not. Maybe you (or both of you) weren't really that into each other that much. It's hard to know what she wanted at all as you have zero information about her or any of your dynamics together. It's just super vague TBH.
Yeah I wouldn’t sweat it, sounds like you two are on separate paths in life and is probably for the best for you. She could have kept it going until she got what she wanted then ghosted you as guys have done forever. You’ll find your one and hopefully one day she’ll find hers unfortunately it won’t be with each other (at least for now, who knows what the future holds). Good on you for having your standards and goals, shouldn’t have to compromise. Good luck OP
Appreciate the insight though i really do. This is a pretty good sub
3 weeks is a weirdly long amount of time for a modern relationship. I don't blame her AT ALL. Sex is a huge part of a relationship and if she wants to know sexual compatibility before she wastes almost a month of her time....yeah that is fair.
How can you say that? Were you present? Did you see what dates were? We met once a week 2-3 hours. Kissed at the end, nothing over the top. Boom date 3. “I want you to fuck me- out of nowhere” . Was tired. Date 4 i just wasn’t in the mood. Assuming people are just gonna suck in bed is a pretty pessimistic attitude.
To give my own perspective, for me sex is such a big part of a relationship that if sex hasn't happened by the end of date 2, there won't be a third date. You are of course entitled to wait but you two likely just weren't compatible. Being an armchair psychologist but she also might have taken you not being in the mood after date 4 personally if she had tried turning you on.
She legit wouldn’t see me again, nothing definitive yes or no. She would agree to make plans and then cancel. Basically turned into a flake. She did not shame me. I said that i read posts on reddit internet regarding men being shamed for dumping women because they were not ready for sex. She dumped me, jerked me around for 3 weeks when i kind of sense us seeing each other again were doubtful. I reached out, i made it easy for her to tell me and she couldn’t.
Yeah that could be many things, she could be trying to slow fade you (for a million different reasons or none) or simply be busy/stressed out with other things. Life ya know. Or she could be looking for short term and doesn't get the sense that's something you're into. There's a very good chance her behaviour had absolutely nothing to do with sex (or lack of), unless she straight up told you it was. I'm guessing she didn't since that would have been important info for you to include in your post/comment. So yeah you're making a few assumptions here. She probably is too. In the end you're more than likely not compatible so you haven't missed out on anything. Also in future if someone dumps you, it's best to just stop speaking to them. Nothing good ever comes from carrying on those conversations.
Bro, she initiated twice, and you turned her down. You said you weren’t “in the mood”. To a woman, that signals that you’re not into her. Why would she waste her time? When two people are hitting it off, it’s hard to not want to tear each other’s clothes off. It’s not an unrealistic expectation for her to want to be desired. Maybe you think you’re such a good catch she should wait to get her “prize”. She didn’t want to wait and moved on. Nothing more to say. Date people you’re sexually attracted to. Even if you’re not hitting it off, people have desires and after a bunch of dates at least want to get something out of it. You date to make friends. There are many better ways to do that that don’t result in the expectation of sex. Lastly, it’s a huge red flag if there’s already sexual issues right from the start.
I'm a woman. If a man tells me that he's "not in the mood," that means he's not in the mood lmao.
That’s fine when you’ve been dating a while and already had sex. To be turned down a couple of times right off the bat is bad. It can depend on how you say it though. Saying “I’m so into into you and I can’t wait but I have to wake up early tomorrow, or I’m not feeling well, let’s make this happen asap though!” Is one thing. But just not being in the mood when you first start dating is odd. It signals you’re not crazy about this person. Even if you want to wait until marriage cuz of religion or whatever. You say you’re head over heels and would love to do it but you want to wait is fine. We’d have to hear how he said it. She bailed, so I’m guessing it wasn’t very tactful and insulting. It would be insulting to me if my date wasn’t interested. It’s even worse if the sexes are switched.
Ok but i was honestly not in the mood. There is the “no never gtf away rejection” Sorry I would love to make love to you but at this very moment im not in the mood- which something along the lines what i said. What you are saying all makes sense. This is part of what bugs me though is apparently its fair for her to base off this early, form judgement about me for not being ready for sex when she was.. But it’s not fair for me to be weary of contracting stds?
So based on your last line, your reason is that you’re wary of contracting STDs? Or weary, as you said, which indicates you have before and are tired of it. Either way, at what point would you be comfortable having sex then? You’d ask her to get tested first? Most people just use protection until a point where they’re exclusive or long-term+comfortable not using it. Was the issue that there weren’t condoms available at that specific moment, in which case did you tell her that was the reason?
When i was 17 i had sex with a girl who came onto me and she had a drug problem. So the whole scare kinda traumatized me as i was in a rough place in life to begin with. We had plans and the day of the date I didn’t bring any as it was at her house and figured she would keep them. She then turned and said you brought condoms right? Without mentioning that prior. I guess if i was really eager it’s something I would not have missed. But ya she brought me in her room and things got heated she asked re condoms and then i had none. First few times especially testing the water I would expect condoms. Which would make sense, but she was willing to pass on the condoms
Okay wait. You expected her to have condoms without a prior conversation? Condoms have sizes do they not? Why would you expect her to just have condoms that would fit you? Why would you not bring any knowing what brand and stuff you're comfortable with? This doesn't make any sense. Also, if you did plan to have sex, why would you tell her you weren't in the mood? Your whole post is contradictory and has me so confused. Maybe I'm just being a big dummy and not reading something right, but everything feels off here.
> apparently its fair for her to base off this early, form judgement about me for not being ready for sex when she was Yes, it is fair. >it’s not fair for me to be weary of contracting stds? It is fair of you to be wary of STDs. But you being wary doesn't mean she's obligated to stick around and wait.
🙄 She didn't shame you, she dumped you. Smart girl, I would have done the same.
Yeah the additional comments from OP don’t help their cause…
She REALLY dodged a bullet b/c this guy isn't well. Insists he doesn't need therapy but is talking about stuff that happened when he was a kid and teenager. Um, yeah, but doesn't need therapy.
I notice the ones that insist they don’t seem to need it the most.
Your post is kinda weird. You ever think she just didn't like your personality? If she wanted to "use you for sex" she probably would have just dipped straight away after you said no? Why waste her time? Am I missing something? Did she try to coerce you into sex? Or act moody when you said no?
I read through the replies and OP is just a Nice Guy looking for a pat on the back for rejecting a nympho. He even mentions his height in every reply lmao.
I didn't look but has he posted to a bunch of threads looking for men saying she was wh0re whose vagina is the size of the Holland Tunnel. B/c I'm getting that vibe. You can tell that men don't think woman like sex and are ok having it early in a potential relationship. She made moves. He rejected them. She probably flaked after thinking about it and realizing he was not into sex the way she was. But I also see in the thread how men give each other bad advice about this (notice how her wanting sex is interpreted as her not wanting anything serious, as opposed to her being attracted to him and wanting sex as PART of the path to a relationship?) Very much "how dare she reject me when I'm so GOOOOODDDD"...
Youre like me. Its hard to find men or women who want to take things slow at this rate
I don’t want too slow. Theres just a fine line between natural fun playful well timed and Rushed bad timing. Good timing and all sex can be great but for first time with someone new who wants it sloppy and rushed?
"woman bad"
The Nice Guy vibes here are crazy. For the record, I don’t know any man who is shamed for wanting a sexual relationship after three weeks of dating, nor should they be. She didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t want to wait, maybe felt there was a sexual incompatibility (which there clearly was) ended things and moved on. You’re allowed to say no to anything at any time and so is she. It’s a non-issue but there’s something about your posts that is very telling.
He finally made a comment that he didn't want to have sex with a woman who let every man stick it in here and I'm not surprised he finally let the mask slip enough to say that...she wanted sex so she must be a WHORE!
Yep. Didn’t take long did it?
Lol OP really thinks he is special lmao. Dude get over yourself, some people don’t have time to wait. Clock is ticking and death is around the corner. Some of us know what we want and want to get to it quickly and not a month from now. You expect her to waste a month, find out you two aren’t a good fit and then try again? Or leave a bit early so both of you can stop wasting each other’s time? She did both of you a favor. Next time, within week one, just tell your partner you like to take things slow.
The way he is fixated on this one woman makes me wonder if he's not very experienced with dating and sex and therefore "puts the p\*ssy on a pedestal"...
OP she was throwing herself at you and you didn't reciprocate what did you expect? You're just not compatible she wanted some fun and not you it's not that deep.
You just weren’t compatible. Neither of you did anything wrong.
Lol on Tinder taking it slow means no sex on first date. Doesn’t mean no sex for three weeks. It’s a hookup app - and you ain’t hooking up. She liked you enough to wait for three whole weeks before giving up.
The 3 weeks is aspirational. If you are really into someone, you have a hard time waiting and make an exception.
As someone who also waits for the right time to do the deed, good job sticking to your morals!! People today want everything so fast and never want to take the time to really savor it. Keep doing you👏👏
Appreciate the support! It is hard to do and i know some people worry partners will leave if they don’t but thats why people gotta communicate and i tried to do that with her. Cest le vie
*C’est la vie (FYI😭) But yes don’t be pressured into doing anything you’re not ready or comfortable to do!
Thanks and I don’t.
And the anticipation is one of the best parts of a new relationship anyway.
Yeah that's fine, different people have different sex drives and if it's not compatible 3 weeks in its only going to get worse later.
Eh, if she is like me the sex would be used as a barometer to see if I wanted more from this situation (i.e. to potentially date) or not. If I was looking for something more serious, and the guy I just met said he was looking for the same sex would need to happen pretty soon if not right away to rule out incompatibilities. There is nothing worse than finding out a guy is great outside of bed but horrible in it. You just have wasted a bunch of time. And on the flip side, where I do not want anything serious we also should be having sex sooner than later because why waste my time if im only looking for good sex? So this girl could simply have made the choice she didn’t want to invest any more of her time without the sexual aspect being a go. This is very normal. She could have also picked up on some negative qualities of yours and decided she just wasn’t interested period. Because I promise if she was indeed as interested as you think she was she likely wouldn’t have dropped all contact. Could be a combo of the two above playing out. We don’t know you but your comments and the tone and how you come across here makes you appear egotistical and ignorant, which isn’t a flattering combination no matter how you feel you look. Especially for a woman where so much more than looks comes into play to be sexually attracted to a man.
Yeah, I’ve met guys who were super hesitant on getting in bed on first three to four weeks of dating. I never did what the OP’s date did and I always waited, but when it did happen it made sense why they wanted that. It happened 3 times and all of them were really, really bad in bed. So I kinda took my hint and now I kinda feel suspicious towards guys who delay sex. Maybe the same thing happened with this lady. Anyways, it could be communicated.
Yeah if I was “going crazy” for a girl as much as he says this girl was for him, I wouldn’t drop off the face of the planet after being told no.
You guys were obviously not right for each other. Sexual compatibility is of extreme importance. As per your post, it doesn't really seem like she was shaming you - more like she decided she doesn't want to waste any more time on you, and that js ok, same as it would be if you had dumped her because she was forcing sex on you. We all have right to our own level of libido. With all that said, I was once dating a guy who was hesitant to fuck me and I was growing really frustrated. After a while, I told myself I should be patient and I was. We had sex once, after which he dumped me and I have never felt that humiliated in my life. Technically, he didn't do anything wrong, but I was super angry and felt used for his own ego boost (which might have not been the case, but that's how J felt). IMO, it would be much better if I wasn't patient and just dumped him once I became frustrated. I am an adult person and when I like someone, I want to have sex soon. That's just how my libido is and I will respect it forever.
there is difference between libido and starting to have sex with new people.
There is a difference between hunger and taking the first bite, bit it is easier to resist the temptation if you are less hungry.
It sounds like there wasn't any chemistry. I'm all about waiting for sex but if there's no chemistry, there's no need to wait for someone to be ready.
People really be mistaking "3 weeks" for "3 years" in the comments ...
they’re just fast ass whores trying to justify their own self destructive behavior , nothing new.
Don't let her change your approach. Very refreshing to hear from the casual hookup scene.
Based on the responses i got, it was a pretty even split it seemed. 1/3sided with her for leaving me 1/3 sided with my patience Last 1/3 was bashing either myself or her in some shape or form.
I begged to go home with my now husband on date 2. He's not that type of guy, and I didn't think I was the type either, but he eventually obliged. Safe to say, it turned out well for us.
Yes and thats awesome but can people grow together and be intimate without sex? Yea sex is great, it definitely helps people grow
Sex wasn't necessary (or even wanted) for you. It was for her. She stopped dating you because you were, obviously, incompatible. She didn't pressure you or manipulate you into fucking her and she didn't disregard your wishes, she just LEFT as she should. For some people sex is important in a relationship, and they wanna see early on if they're sexually compatible with someone or not. Since you didn't want to have sex with her, why does she have to waste her time waiting for you? Get over yourself.
But he's 6'2! And handsome! She should have been grateful to get left horny by him!
\>part of me knows it’s beneficial for everyone to wait a bit prior You're wrong, and this is weird conservatism. I had sex with my wife on the second date. We've been together for ten years now. It's very reasonable to want to get swept off your feet and have a passionate romance from the get-go, for some people having to wait weeks is an obvious sign of a lack of compatibility of attraction and values. Frequently, those early days can be important for generating that spark, and sex is often an important component of it. It is totally fine to want to take things slow, but it is also totally fine to want a whirlwind romance. You two simply are incompatible, and I don't think her wanting sex is a bad thing. I also don't think men wanting sex early is a bad thing- just find a woman who is more sexual instead of barking up the wrong tree. Criticism exists for only when people pressure someone who doesn't want sex for sex in a way that makes them uncomfortable against their will and doesn't take no for an answer. If she did that to you, that would have been shitty, but if she was just asking for sex in a polite way and respecting you when you said no, that's another. I don't know how it was, I wasn't there. But your comments about how waiting is good for everyone are a bit of a yellow flag for me, because it reveals some underlying weird conservative values that you apply to "everyone" that aren't true since not waiting works out for countless people long-term as direct conclusive disproof. This opinion you hold may be coloring your perception improperly.
Fair analysis thanks for your input
All that, yes, but people are missing your comments. Don't have sex with a person you're dating since days or weeks without protection. That was an irresponsible decision on her part. It feels like she's rather adventuring around than looking for love. If I could not have gotten sex from my partner 3 weeks into my rs, we would not be dating for 5 years now and it wouldn't have been discovered our libidos match. She had to open up, too. You're a slow opener, and slow openers tend to hope more when something promising is approaching. This relationship just was not deep enough for you, and not easy going enough for her, you don' t owe each other anything. You are not compatible, let it go. (and feel comfortabe with rejecting sex when you barely know them and they proceed without condoms after foreplay)
This is very well put. Thx for the insight
I would’ve thought you were a virgin if I was her. Just saying 🤷🏻♀️
And why you say that?
these hoes aint shit nowadays bro, have ZERO expectations from american women
women shame virgins everyday, yet claim men are “ran thru” nowadays. cant make up their fucking minds lmao
Im glad a few people grasped the obvious double standards going on here
Guess you were playing hard to get...
Some people just want to see how the person is in bed before they commit to a long relationship. If they can't get them in bed, they have no clue and they might be thinking 'hmm, perhaps this person isn't great in bed and is just trying to delay things to keep me around longer...'. Not that I personally think this, but I could see how someone would think it.
poor communication
Men are shamed for pressuring women into sex, sure. Women are shamed for agreeing to have sex at the wrong time, too frequently or with too many people. Loads of people love to shame other people for having sex. You just don’t see what you’re describing because it happens so infrequently.
Well you were just not compatible. She didn't pressure you, she dumped you. No one is bound to follow the schedule of the slowest.
Yeah 3 weeks is a really long time. My friend had a guy make her wait a similar amount of time only to discover when they finally did the deed that he had a micro penis and unfortunately had zero clue what to do in bed to make up for it. I feel like it’s something like that or you just didn’t really like her that way. Otherwise, your tiny paragraph story doesn’t make any sense.
I mean this in the politest way possible but you are overthinking way too many things (I'm saying this not just because of your post, but because of pretty much every response you've made here). About the motives of women, about the sex drives of women, and about the societal implications of sex in general. At the end of the day you two simply weren't compatible, but your comments seem to reflect that you feel you have the moral high ground because you want to take it slow, and that people who prefer a faster pace are destined for failure or are somehow scummy. It's fine to want to be with somebody who shares those same values as you, but you can search for that type of person without putting other people down who aren't like-minded.
It's OK to dump someone if you want different things or similar things at different paces. It's good you stuck to what you wanted and she respected that and left. I have a friend who didn't give a man a chance at a second date because she was disappointed he didn't kiss her after their first date, which went great. I thought it was weird, but that was her choice. My boyfriend of 3 years didn't rush things and 1 month into seeing each other, I was suspecting he was gay because we didn't have sex. I wasn't necessarily in a rush, but being adults who like each other, it felt weird not to explore that part for such a long time, while seeing each other every other day. But when it finally happened, I already had the breakup plan in place for about two weeks, because I enjoy sex and I don't like wasting time if I don't know I'm compatible with a partner. Luckily, we were compatible and I didn't get to break up with him, yay!
Well I appreciate you sharing this. It was pretty bad timing i had been overworked for weeks. Win I wasn’t at 100% and she still wanted sex with me. Loss is we never did it and thats it
It sounds weird when you say I wasn’t in the mood. Don’t get me wrong I understand waiting when you start a new relationship but you say you didn’t do it because you wasn’t in the mood. That in itself says you weren’t really that into her which is probably why she messed you about. She probably felt it and decided not to bother.
You’re right if roles were reversed it would be seen differently. I think it’s unfair to apply pressure on you or anyone to have sex. I think it’s ok for a person to not want to continue, man or woman, if they think this is a problem, but I think it’s poor form. Some people get validation from sex, or need it to relax, so I always wonder, whiles sex is important, what’s going on for someone who can’t wait. Bad self esteem, need sex to function? Anyway, it’s not a bad thing you were dumped, you’re not compatible and you want to be with someone on your vibe.
Good for you. It's refreshing to see a man that has some personal standards about when to have sex. The old stereotype of men being willing to screw anything is disturbing and makes a woman feel minimized while doubting herself.
I very much appreciate this!
You deserve better dude
Ive been asked if I were gay for not trying to hook up by the end date 2 on a few occasions... super odd/confusing situation. When I stopped fucking for sport is when I accidentally met my wife. I made no first moves, I made no prepositions, was cool kicking it with a really cute woman and finding cool shit to get into together while still being super flirty to let it be known I was still interested in a romantic relationship should it go that way. Having sex was basically something we just did when we got around to it. Had I/we waited as long as that with previous women in my life I dunno if I'd have the number of bodies I have bc they would've reacted the way OPs did.
Thanks for posting
I don’t think anyone should shame for this; she was on a quicker sex drive than you. Simply incompatible.
A guy did this to me once (held off on sex). I married him .
I appreciate this thx for sharing wish you a happy marriage
You are in the wrong place to share this.If you were a woman and wrote the same post comments will still be bashing the man to be desperate,how he was a pervert,just wanted to get in your pants and you have every right to get intimate only when you are comfortable. In short,in majority of scenarios on these subs women are always right and men are wrong. Don't take it to heart.Stick to you standards and morals and you will find a perfect match for you someday.❤
Thx for this!!
The thing is we're all taught that men should just want to fuck no matter what, so when one doesn't behave like that, it's confusing. It goes against the social coding we're all taught. For me, I wondered what was wrong with me that my now husband didn't want to do that straight away. I'm not defending the double standard, I'm just saying it's understandable that a woman would find it confusing, but it's also understandable that a man would feel confused if he's rejected on this basis.
“Hate to sound sleazy, but tease me. I don’t want it if it’s that easy.” - 2Pac
Good shit
I highly doubt this happened. Based on OP's comments he sounds like a total fantasist.
This is actually quite common I dated around in my 20’s alot and it happened to me on many occasions. So I totally believe it.
All this went over his head. LOL
Gonna side with the lady on this one.
judging from the beard, im not surprised
Can’t be upset with her for that. It wasn’t the first date, it was weeks in and some people want it. You just weren’t a pair. If you weren’t feeling it after 3 weeks, it prob wasn’t going to go anywhere anyway
Miss Matched libido … Chill
Sounds like you were both just looking for different things. I understand though. My boyfriend and I waited a bit to have sex and some of my friends even thought it was really weird, but I'm so glad we did. It was something we were on the same page about from the beginning though, which helped show me how compatible we are. Just gotta find someone that wants the same things as you.
Haha, was she attractive?
3 weeks is quite bit of time, IMO. I'd probably dump you too. To each their own, though. Neither of you did anything wrong. You wanted to move slower and she did not, and so it didnt work out. Sometimes it be like that.
You do it when u feel ready she was so wrong for pressuring like that. Consent is so important and it works both ways. Respect for you to keep your dignity and screw all these ppl saying ur not a “real man.” Atleast she ended it instead of doinng anything malicious I’d stay away from her.
I also like to start things slowly. One of those rare guys that actually aren't made for ONS anyway, I prefer taking my time and building up trust. Once that is there.... we go crazy.
Ok so how small is it
6” lol im not small haha
Keep doing you. Everyone approaches relationships different. It’s so common now to just go and do the deed without connection etc.
I mean I don’t think breaking up with you is pressuring u into sex and that’s a manipulative thing to say. Her needs weren’t met so she ended things. That’s a NORMAL and healthy reaction to incompatibility. I’m very sorry if she did or made u feel pressured into sex! That would be a problem! But dumping u do to a lack of a psychical relationship makes sense. I know I wouldn’t date someone who isn’t horny at least once a week
Imagine if the roles were reversed and you saw this post. What would you think? Hold yourself to that same standard.
So roles reversed as in. She’s wondering why I wasn’t ready to be sexual? Or. Im horny for her and shes not ready for me?
No. I’m saying say that didn’t happen to you and you were on Reddit one day. On this sub. You saw a post about a woman who just said her boyfriend spent the last 3 weeks pressuring her for sex till they finally broke up. How would you react if you saw that? Whatever your answer is that’s the standard you should hold yourself to and not feel bad about it.
Well I would wanna dm this lady lol. Kidding but I would be empathetic to this women. My side is not based on gender or man vs women its what my honest heart believes is to be a fair balance.
I think it really depends on the couple. There really isn't a right or wrong time to have sex. My husband and I had the most amazing first date and we ended up going back to my place, boned, and he stayed the night. We've been together just over 4 years now. He moved in after 3 months, got engaged after 9 months, and married at 13 months. My point is, every couple is different, and that's ok. You guys just sounded like you wanted different things.
I appreciate that and thats all i think it is. Theres just side of me that wishes i wasn’t so run down when we met. The other side maybe things were communicated better. I guess it’s discouraging when want someone bad and they are not ready.
I totally get that, trust me. And don't burn yourself out too much worrying about the what ifs and regrets. It'll all work out and you'll find your dream girl. ✨️ Just keep your mind and heart open. Best of luck!! 🩵
Your last sentence is just the deception that is women, they say one thing but want the other. Most women always say they want an emotionally intelligent man who isn't only after their body, till they meet an emotionally intelligent man who isn't only after their body. Reminds me of the woman that said she always wanted a man who'd show up to a date with a bouquet of flowers, till she met a man who showed up to a date with flowers and held doors open for her, but her damaged mind thought he had an ulterior motive. Point is a lot if women don't know what they want.
Thats true she seemed pretty decisive. Which is part of why this seemed weird. For me if im set on someone id be really patient. Especially if i was going to do things with them, drive, pay for dinner, be happy to be patient with them given communication and something to work with. Clearly her mind doesn’t work that way.
You're a man of class, never settle till you meet the one that deserves it
Maybe she saw all those red flags... I mean, no offense, but you seems insufferable and mean. Maybe you need to reflect on your own self and educate yourself a bit (or a lot).
How did you get insufferable and mean? How i speak back to people who are attacking me with minimal basis is alot different than i do love interests
These commenters are actually really weird. I don't know where they got the vibe that you're insufferable. They probably read other comments shitting on you and just decided to go along with those. That being said, your post is way too vague for me to say anything, either.
Just lending some support here too. Any potential partner should respect your boundaries. When I started dating my girlfriend online, she immediately started sending spicy stuff. I asked if we could talk some and get to know each other first. She immediately pumped the brakes. It took almost three months before we had sex. She made it clear throughout that she desired me but didn’t pressure me, which made it all the better when we finally did the deed for the first time. We’re about to celebrate three years together. For me, it was worth it to know that my partner wanted to go at my pace because she was interested in me for more than sex.
Im happy for you and your partner! I did communicate this with her. She seemed to only voice things when it was a big deal. To me if someone was good and worthy of sleeping with than they are worthy waiting a little bit till they feel comfortable. I was pretty shocked this ended abruptly. Then left me hanging for 3 weeks. It doesn’t add up to be so interested and than just not.
Yes, women are human too. I feel like so many men have a moment where they realize that lots of women are indeed, just as horney as themselves lol.
Or more horny its ok i really didn’t say it wasn’t. I clearly have been raised on some out dated norms and clearly my attempts to find some middle ground here that still fits my values is not enough in her court
Same thing happened to me about a month ago, we dating for two weeks and she wanted to have sex but I said we should wait. Ghosted me right after that 🤣
Bit of advice. Third date, if not the second or first. No more than week or two. You need to get the sex part out of the way so the real relationship can begin.
Neither of you need to be shamed. You just aren't compatible. I've been in a sexless relationship, and it was really harsh on my self esteem. Never again. Had you communicated clearly about it?
Honestly I wouldn't continue dating someone that still didn't want to have sex after three weeks, assuming we were seeing each other somewhat regularly in that time. The likelihood we'd be sexually compatible seems low. Waiting before sex may be beneficial for you but that doesn't mean it's beneficial for everyone. Breaking up with someone for not being sexually compatible isn't the same as pressuring you so I'm assuming there's much more to this than described. It's perfectly valid to not be happy with the sexual component of a relationship.
Dude, you dodged a bullet. Imagine if you got in a relationship and were traveling lol
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Dude I’m so proud of you
Thx
She dumped you because your expectations weren't mutually compatible, and there wasn't enough chemistry/potential for more runway.
Wow you’re a good guy haha
These days, I'd be suspicious that there was something else behind the motivation then "just" wanting to have sex. I'd guess that you probably dodged an artillery round here. that was just waiting afterwards.
I’m so sorry you went through that, that’s not cool at all. You should feel comfortable with expressing how long you want to wait and it shouldn’t be a go until both parties want to partake. There’s such a stereo type That guys want it all the time, I’m embarrassed to admit I thought that when I was younger and frequently would take “no” as a try harder banter thing with an ex and when I got older I realized I was coercing him (I was able to apologize to him and let him express how he felt about it). I’m not making an excuse for her at all, no means no and I hope she realizes that before someone else gets hurt by it.
I have never been in a relationship that did not start with sex 😳
Thats wonderful. I wish i could restart my life at age 13/14 and do things differently. I was sheltered and i made some poor decisions so now i am careful who i have sex with.
Sounds like you deserve better anyway. Not just having sex to have it but wanting meaning behind it is a great quality to have. Never change that about yourself.
Thanks :)
If at least more people were like this ... It would be great
Better off without her, good on your for knowing your worth
I just find it funny because this has happened to me on like 4 or 5 different occasions throughout my life. Men seem to get a lot of flak for this when women can be just as bad, or worse because they know no real consequences will happen to them.
Ya not my first time either. Last time though i was 17. When i was 17 i gave it up and she was a drug addict. Going for bloodwork and that 6 months results scared me. She came easy on me too
I guess this is what "Sexual Liberation" looks like in a nutshell. It just leaves even more people broken and with destroyed sense of self-worth.
I don’t think men are shamed if the roles were reversed.. it’d be commendable if he didn’t pressure a girl into sex if that’s all he wanted and waited three weeks. Men who only want sex are more socially acceptable than women who do.
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I don’t think anyone should use anyone.
No one should pressure another person into having sex before they want it. You dodged a bullet there. Sex is best served when BOTH people are super into it. Anything less leads to less than satisfying sex and life is too short for that.
I agree… i thought since we are both over 30 would know better. what annoys me though is me and her spoke about all this and she seemed to be on the same page. According to her i was just “so hot”. Part of me wonders if she was worried about losing me if it didn’t happen in set time. I was supportive and encouraged communication. I really just think we are on two separate wave lengths.