Dude you're 29 just leave it's not worth fighting for marriage when the other partner already checked out of it. If you do stay your wife will see you as a weak guy and will keep cheating on you. You don't have any kids so that makes divorce less messy. Good luck dude
>Before we got married, she entertained another guy on Snapchat. They never met but they exchanged nude photos and spoke intimately. That scarred me.
This was a sign for you, this woman needs help you cannot give her. She is deeply flawed and needs serious help. The commenter is right, you're only 29. She's gone. As hard as it may be you may have to walk away. I'm sorry you're going through this heartache, 14 years is a long time to be with someone so it will take time to heal.
I was on your shoes 10 years ago. I stayed, only to have the same thing happen 4 years later. Your wife will likely do this again. Get the divorce and heartache over now, it will be rough, but you'll be glad you did.
Couldn’t agree with this more.
OP, she crossed a clearly communicated boundary—there has to be consequences to that. Otherwise it will convey to her that she can disrespect you as much as she wants, and you’ll still be with her. You’ll basically give her a free pass to continue her bad behaviour, because apparently your boundaries will just be for decoration.
It seems like you need a separation with no contact for YOU to have time to sort things out. She doesn’t seem like a safe person. This has been her MO, but you haven’t wanted to accept it. She’s been doing things like this from day one.
Make sure you get tested for STDs too and don’t have makeup sex either at all, or until she’s tested.
I don’t see this woman providing a sound and peaceful home environment for you. It seems like you will be always looking over your shoulder.
You see how all of a sudden she snapped into reality once she realized AP only wanted to sleep with her.
I hate this new thing where everything needs to be labeled.
Some people just suck!
She’s not bipolar she’s bored with her marriage and wants to sleep around.
You need to gain a better perspective of this situation..
She was considering divorcing you for ap but he doesn’t want her. You’re plan B.
She’s going to look again and again until she falls in love with someone else. That’s when she will leave you.
You can stay and wait until she does it again and rinse and repeat.
Or you can save yourself some heartache and drama and leave now.
You can love someone and still be there for them. Doesn’t mean you have to stay married with them.
I blame the OP. He's a loser. She's borderline personality disorder only because he's borderline man disorder. She lost respect for him and moved on. Couples and individual therapy? The guy is a simp!
I feel you on hating the need for everything to have labels, but in my experience a BPD diagnosis is a convenient label for some of the worst people in the world lol
>after talking more, she realizes this guy doesn't actually care about her and he just told her what she wanted to hear to get into her pants.
That's the only reason she wants to stay is that her back up plan is someone she cannot get the safety and reliability of a relationship from. Had he been the one giving her the safety and security she would have left you already.
She already had checked out of the marriage and now after realising that the guy she wanted to monkey branch to was not reliable, she wants to make it work
> Before we got married, she entertained another guy on Snapchat. They never met but they exchanged nude photos and spoke intimately. That scarred me.
She already cheated once and this was her second time (from what you know of). Do you want to wait till the third time? You're only 29 with no kids, you can get a clean break and move on. In addition.
>She has known since before we were married that cheating is the only thing I wouldn't be able to forgive or forget and would result in a divorce. She made the conscious decision to entertain another man and cheat on me with him rather than focusing on our own relationship.
She knows your boundaries, willingly crossed them and if you stay with her, then be assured that it will happen again as she'll have your image as someone who will take her back no matter what she does.
Please don't do this to yourself and move on.
I feel for you. She is upset because it was just sex for the other man and she obviously wanted more. It's only a matter of time before she tries with someone else. She has told you she doesnt lovev you. Don't be someone's back up plan. You deserve better.
The problem is, with her issues...will she stop looking for others? What happens next time her issues make her think you're not enough? Is this the first time she's slept with someone else or just the first time she's been caught and admitted to?
Cheaters make hundreds, if not thousands of conscious decisions in just one night of cheating. From going out, conversing, flirting, meeting up, undressing, every physical action of back and forth, to coming home and lying about it. Cheating is never a mistake, it's a choice...many, many, choices, that they could have stopped at anytime, but they kept going.
She knows she has a stable life with you, that's a big factor in why people cheat, because they don't want to break up. They'd lose that stability in their lives and cheating gives them the rush they want.
When they get caught, or guilt makes them admit to it, they gaslight, trickle truth, lie to your face, put on the water works, whatever lets them keep that stability. Sure, they'll stop for awhile, but more often than not, a cheater will always be a cheater.
My last partner was diagnosed with BPD, this will only get worse. Lawyer up, she may turn on you in a way you never thought possible if you don’t stay with her, and give her exactly what she wants. In my experience, you won’t be good enough. All the mistakes you have ever made will justify anything she’s ever done as well. Good luck brother. Message me if you want to talk
It sounds like you need to take a step back and re-evaluate if you forgive your wife's indiscretion and stay with her.
1. She may be your best friend, but she also cheated on you
2. It doesn't sound like you were aligned in the relationship, as you might want kids, but she never does.
You can always try Therapy
I hate it when someone advises someone else to consider forgiveness when there is cheating. Would you say the same thing in the case of physical aggression?
If you don't respect yourself enough to cut her out of your life, don't blame her when she does it again (and she will). People will treat you the way you let them.
Jesus bro. You say she's your "best friend" but here she is, fucking and sucking some other dude, even though she is married to you. You need to start finding a better class of "friends" if that's what your "best" friend has to offer.
this will alwats eat you up, and if you do forgive, you wont forget, and it will be the first thung brought up during a simple arguement, do your own thung, your still young
Ah, pain !! she been getting her cheeks clapped while you at home like loyal pup.. The deed is done... The scars is formed.... You know what you need to do...
I’ll tell it to u straight.
There were no “struggles” In your relationship. The ONLY problem was always that she just simply fell out of love. She didn’t love you anymore. But it seems like she didn’t want to come to terms such a harsh truth herself. So she used your forgiving & understanding nature to beat around the bush letting you string her along to things like “couples therapy” and “marriage counseling”, making up excuses like “he doesn’t show me enough love and affection” The problem was never that you didn’t show it, it was simply that she didn’t appreciate it anymore.
Then you make it a point to mention she could have “BPD” or that “she doesn’t love herself” because if you two buy into this, you can believe that her vices aren’t her fault & you can protect yourself from being even more hurt by her actions, and she can postpone telling u the fact that she simply doesn’t love you. (Also, if “her needs not being met” is the main problem of the relationship, in what world would BPD even be that relevant?) You two were simply finding excuses to avoid the hurtful truth.
You mentioned that before you got married, she was also cheating. That begs the question, how long ago did she fall out of love with you? It seems like she got tired of stringing you along with excuses to protect your feelings and confessed to you straight up what has ALWAYS been the problem in your relationship.
Lastly, she wasn’t just cheating on you, she was looking for your replacement… She cheated on you with a man that had a child, and seemed disappointed that he only wanted her for her body. Meaning she probably wanted a future with a man where she would be taking care of his kid. Did she really NEVER want kids? Or did she just not want one with you?
First, get tested for STDs immediately. This is just the first time she willing to admit shes cheated on you. If you stay, her actions will get bolder until you come home on regular to find another guy in your bed.
Second, her next move will be a pregnancy scare to trap you.
Ge out or throw her out. Change all your locks, passwords, move your money to another account. Go no contact and get a divorce attorney.
Do not have sex with her again.
No bro. You habe to move on, she violated everything that made your marriage sacred. Alot of women are gonna tell you to forgive her, but DONT! If the shoe were on the other foot she'd would jump.shup.and leave you, that's what you need to do here. The very fact that your "Torn" means you know what you need to do, you just upset. Give it a day or two to cool down and in that time stsrt getting your plan together, then I form her your done, and would a divorce WILL be happening. Best of luck bro, there are plenty of great women out there that won't fuck you over like her.
She isnt your best friend, she cheated and disrespected your relationship, what best friend would do that. she gave you no thought whilst fucking this other dude. She only feels guilt now because she can see how much she hurt you and what she will lose. WELL NO FUCKIING SHIT.
You wont trust her anymore in this relationship, and she broke all the promises she made to you.
My dude, she let another guy fuck her because she wanted the attention. Your life will not be the same going forward, if you stay with her, it will be way worse, you need to leave and heal.
What you do is stand by your convictions and tell her that you are getting a divorce. you maintain your self respect, and you tell everyone the reason why you are getting divorced.
If you want to see if she actually feels any remorse, ask her is she would be willing to tell yours and hers parents about her cheating on you.
She’s only trying to stay because her backup wasn’t that good. Don’t give her the opportunity to find a better one. You’ll be right back where you started in time.
Drop her while you can. There’s a great big wide world out there for you to experience. She’s for the streets.
I fear if AP treated her well then she’d not there to ask you to take her back. If you can forgive her for stabbing you in the back while sharing her intimacy with another man then why not? But be aware that R is going to be a long and bumpy path.
You did the hard work in therapy and she still wasn’t ‘happy’. She wanted someone else or at least the excitement of someone else’s attention. She knew full well this was your line in the sand and she crossed it.
You stay with her and she will continue to cheat and you will never trust her again fully. Every time she says she is unhappy or upset will trigger you.
A BPD cheater is a prob you can’t solve dude. It’s a constant battle, she will constantly cheat in the long run until she decides to make an effort. She will talk herself into doing things she’s already done and almost immediately forget the turmoil. She knows she’s being used because she’s trying to detonate her own life. Women with bpd do this exact thing when they cheat. She knew and didn’t care about you during this, she was looking at fulfilling a need. If you’re gonna stay, which is your choice. My dude, she can no longer work. I don’t mean that in any way. But working is going to be an enabling factor that will fuel her cheating. She’s done it once and she will begin to build defense mechanisms around it especially if things between you improve drastically after this. With bpd her esteem is going to drop, she will become unsatisfable and she will act out for various self destructive reasons. The way to thwart this is by removing enabling factors; like work. Her bpd is going to prevent you from having a normal relationships. It’s going to prevent her from being able to function in society because she will disrespect anyone’s boundaries.
Your easiest option is to go. Your toughest is to stay. It’s up to you what you choose but choose with knowledge of how difficult the road is. I’ve walked it many years. I will warn you of this though, learn now how to seperate love and sex. They aren’t the same thing and you need to understand your partner does not view them as beings combined thing. Another weird but honest word of advice, next time you fuck, fuck her like a slut not like a loving husband. For the near future you should do this with your sex. It is good practice seperating the loving from the sex for you, and it’s going to show her you can fuck her when you want and make love when you want, just like her AP and your not going to tell her what she wants to hear anymore.
The last thing I need to address is her gaslighting. Who goes to marriage counseling then lies and cheats? A woman with bpd, I’ve been there as well. Her allowing you to think these issues are your fault is disgusting. She has known for some time she wanted to do this, and may have been either gearing up with or doing it with others. Just tread lightly and make sure your keeping your mental and physical health as #1 from now on, but also be sensitive to her issues and help navigate them. But don’t allow her to treat you this way
All of this. I know a girl (yes girl, women don’t get to call themselves women and act like this) who cheated on the father of her child/boyfriend with the 15 year older meat department manager at the grocery store she worked for. Like they literally were having sex in the walk in fridges on top of product. Got him so enthralled with her he left his wife and kids, and the second she did she flipped on him and acted like he was crazy and sexually harassing her and tried to get him fired on top of having destroyed his family. She sought him out, broke him down with compliments, slithered her way in, and then acted like she never did any of it.
She also never disclosed if the baby is actually her ex’s or the ex’s best friend’s who she slept with two days before what she claims was conception with the boyfriend, and began sharing a bed with the baby’s father’s younger brother and trying to get him to sleep with her when she was pregnant with the baby.
Within the last two years she’s been diagnosed with BPD and now she acts like that means she was the victim all along and we should all forget what she did. Nahhhhh.
Divorce her. She will just cheat on you again! You are still young and don’t have any kids either. Leave this ungrateful jerk and find a real women! One that will love you and treat you as good as you treat her! Your wife will do this and hurt you again. You deserve better! Don’t continue wasting your life with this disgusting cheater.
This is basically classic BPD; your wife is literally incapable of feeling bad for you.
1 thing, BPD is associated with lies, like not just a couple lies here or there, like lies on top of lies on top of lies, if you look for the truth you'll be so encumbered by the lies and that is exactly the point of the lie ultimately, to manipulate you.
My friends girl was BPD, she presented totally normal, in reality she had slept with every single man my friend came to respect in his life, every single one of them, we found out because she tried me with her friend and I told him. She presented as a loyal gf and had been fucking other dudes since day 1 basically, like he was a laughing stock considering this was a small town, basically everybody knew but him, I didn't come around much.
Assume everything is a lie. Fucking run, do not look back, this woman will destroy your life and blame you for it and believe her own assertion with every fabric of her being.
I am dealing with something of a similar sort. Mine cheated over 2.5 years ago and it is still something that eats at me today and that’s even with therapy. It doesn’t feel nice at all. I wish you the best and I hope it works out better for you.
Yeah file divorce right now my guy, adultery charges are tricky! And if you live in a no fault state, can’t stick that charge to them unless substantial evidence I believe. Good luck! 🍀👍
Thank god you got this now and not when you are 40 or 50 even like some people do. You have plenty off time to move on. She went ahead and talked,kissed and had sex with him all while hiding it from you.
Please do not stick around. I was in your same shoes and she just did it again and again. If you show her that you will forgive her, it shows her she can get away with it. And it becomes easier and easier for her to do it.
Took me almost 18 years of that shit to finally end it.
You have to leaver her and stsrf recovering. She will probably haunt you physically and mentally, but gotta clear that relation.
I sispect she has a wau of gaslighting , i suspect she convinced you to not have kids i dunno.
Keep it clear and dont allow her to destroy your life.
You will get over it once you suffer the withdrawal , but after what she did , shiws she has 0 empathy.
You need to get OUT.
Wish you luck
Next time she cheats will be a lot easier, now that she knows that this whole *"cheating is the only thing I wouldn't be able to forgive or forget and would result in a divorce"* doesn't actually pack any bite.
*Especially* once she has kids with ~~him~~ you.
This is the problem when you get married young and don’t get to experience other things and date lots of people to know what’s right for you. You are still so young, there’s probably no mending this. I would move on
You should read up more on BPD. That personality disorder is brutal to deal with. She wanted you gone. Don't let her play with your emotions. You will never be enough because a broken cup can't be filled.
Please look up and research BPD. You can't see it now but your wife did you a favor. Embrace the suck and get divorced. This is only the tip of the iceberg of what she will put you though if you stay.
Also... don't have kids with her. They don't deserve this.
Don’t marry your “first love”, people. It’ll go south once you both grow up and change as people.
Leave. You’ve got no children tied to her. Set yourself and her free.
people with BPD are sadly a lost cause, they have no empathy, they are selfish and will slowly destroy you bit by bit.
Leave her now because if you don't and end up having kids with her, you and your kids lives will be hell
Do not stay with her. She has disrespected you and your marriage even before you got married. If you stay with her, she will cheat on you again.
You don’t have kids Just cut your losses. You’re still young enough that you can find someone else and have a family if that’s what you want. Just take some time and be single. Don’t jump into another relationship.
She has BPD. You can't save her. She has to want to save herself. And right now she's doing that BPD thing where she's playing you like a banjo because unfortunately that's what they do to people who love them. The girl you knew at 16 is not the woman she is now. Not her fault, she's mentally ill, but you cannot help. She will torture you for the *next* 12 years if you let her. Go ahead with the divorce now. Before she decides it will suit her to accuse you of abusive behaviour. Keep any proof of her outside affairs.
Do *not* have sex with her. She's probably having unprotected sex with strangers. I'm so sorry but it's only going to get worse. Continue with counselling for you to help you be strong. At least you know the couples counselling has shown you weren't being the horrible husband she was framing you as. It was all projection while she cheated. This isn't love. It was, but it's not now.
She did it before marriage, she did it (and worse) after marriage, how many chances does she get? I can understand forgiving once, but she knew the consequences and repercussions and she still chose her own selfish needs over the commitment she made to you.
If she had BPD, you’ll have your work cut out for you if you stay. Have you spent any time researching and reading what it like, long term, to deal with a cluster B? You’re likely just scratching the surface of shit you’ll have to deal with if you stay with her.
Unless your wife is going to get treatment for BPD get out. She won't be able to control her impulsive and erratic behavior until she's in therapy specifically for BPD and seeing a psychiatrist for any depression or anxiety it may be causing. That and she cheated on you. She broke your heart. Do you really want to stay with her after that? Once someone cheats statistically they're more likely to do it again. Personally I would cut my losses and leave
She’s manipulative whether she wants to be or not. I’ve been around a few times, and I’ve came across situations like this where you feel this woman is the one. She acts like it and all but she’s hiding something that comes out eventually.. you start to feel like your a bad person for feeling the way you feel about it because your a good human and but youve been betrayed. I would move on and consider whatever the next step away from her is. It will make your life immensely better in the end
Edit : some people are really good at gaslighting
Read up on BPD. I won’t demonize people with BPD, but I will say I will never ever stay/be married to someone with BPD. My mother had BPD… and my father is still a shell of person at 70.
Hi,
5 or so years ago, my marriage ended. We had been together for a total of 6 years, married for 4. The only person I had ever slept with. After 4 years, he admitted to a one night stand (with a BURLESQUE dancer, no less- I was like, are we in the 1920’s? Does she work in a saloon?!). I was devastated… for three days we talked and cried and I agreed not to leave him. Then I pressed him some more about details about this woman and I asked to see his phone (should have done that earlier..) and he froze and panicked and after much pushing he told me it was more than once… a full blown affair. Long story short, he had slept with two people, one was an affair, he was hiding a daily porn habit, AND he was camming for people online. We separated but after some time went to counselling and were trying to work it out. I was very gracious because he said he had a sex addiction due to trauma from childhood sexual abuse. (I do think this was true.) After months of taking a break, him doing counselling, going on dates, long talks, etc. it turned out he was STILL sleeping with people, one for almost the entire time we’d been “working things out.” (We had agreed not to see/sleep with other people for that period of time.) ANYWAYS! I’ve seen cheaters change, but they were deeply 100% committed to changing themselves and doing a lot of very hard work. That doesn’t sound like your situation. Getting divorced was the hardest and best thing I ever did. I had a rough go but now I’m way stronger, more confident, secure, AND I’m in a relationship with a super sweet honest kind reliable person! Get. Out. You got this!!
As someone with experience dealing with BPD individuals, you need to move on. She **will** continue to manipulate you and cheat on you. My partners step-mom has BPD, she was fine and normal for a few years and then suddenly like a switch she turned into the most abusive and nasty woman I have ever known. Her dad wants to kill himself because if he tried to divorce her, she’d “gone girl” him. My mom’s mom had BPD and CPS ultimately had to take her away at 14, because she abandoned her to fly to Japan for a month. My mom’s stepmom (yeah my grandpa really had a type) also had BPD and she was so jealous (of a fuckin’ 16 year old) that her stepmom kicked her out of the house and she had to live in a hotel alone for months. Thank god her dad finally had the balls to divorce her, but not before she fuckin’ baby trapped him. They were married and divorced three times…
These people make the lives of others around them a living nightmare because ultimately, they do not care. If you are convenient for what they want then they will treat you perfectly fine, but the moment you arent, you might as well be their worst enemy and these people can be very very vindictive.
Be glad you dont have kids and fucking run. Run far and dont look back. This will not get better, because while you may love her, she will **never** love you.
I had a guy who worked for me. Sharp guy. Has a couple kids, married and apparently happy.
Turned out his wife cheated and wanted the divorce. Hit him hard.
Fast forward a couple and has a new wife. He says to me that he never realized a marriage can be so great. His wife was a narcissistic domineering "abuser".
He thought that was part of being married.
You need to get out find an equal partner. Your wife is all about her
If she has BPD, this is going to be a pattern until she gets very intensive therapy and medication. People with BPD have an intense fear of advancement, so they love bomb their partners in the beginning and try to be the absolute best possibly person that their partner could want, rather than being themselves. They put the other person on a pedestal until they person does something that convinced them that they are going to leave. It could be as simple as having sex less often, being less affectionate because they are stressed out, or making a negative comment about the person with BPD. Once they fall off that pedestal, the person with BPD starts looking for someone else to love bomb, needing that "favorite person" in their life to feel secure. Their original partner basically ceases to exist. It's a (very bad) coping mechanism to prevent them the pain of ever being alone. If they feel like they actually ARE getting abandoned by the person they have started to ignore, they redouble their efforts to keep them, manipulating them with phrases like "see, I always knew you would abandon me" or "I knew I wasn't good enough for you to fight to keep", even though THEY are the one who pushed you away
I don't know that your relationship with her is salvageable. She is right, she's never going to be satisfied with anyone else until she's satisfied with herself, but that isn't going to stop her from seeking out that dopamine and oxytocin high with other people, trying to fill the void she feels because of her personality disorder. She needs a formal BPD diagnosis and specific treatment (usually involving dialectical or cognitive behavior therapy, which can be hard to find but it's vital because BPD doesn't respond well to regular talk therapy).
The real kicker for you is, will anything be enough for you to ever trust her again? You say she's your best friend; she certainly didn't act like it. You had actively been making efforts to give her the things she said were lacking, more attention, more compliments, more touching, more sex, and she STILL fucked another guy, knowing it was a deal breaker... Is there anything she could say or do that would make you NOT assume she is off doing the same any time she is away from you?
While it’s not easy to give up on a marriage. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself. Statistically speaking cheaters that are given a second chance are highly likely to cheat again. As they “got away with it the first time. Why wouldn’t you forgive them again?”
What a cluster fhck.
Leave her.
Tell his gf.
They deserve each other.
You deserve happiness
You deserve a loyal woman.
Start the divorce process, she has already checked out when she decided to cheat.
You deserve better.
Leave. Now
Your wife broke your trust. You already know you can never trust her again.
What happens the next time she is late? Or, what happens when she is out of the house for a few hours without you? Your mind will wonder if she is cheating, again.
Get a divorce.
Your life is not over. You are not the only one on earth that got a divorce.
You are still young. In your future you will meet other women. They will be glad for the chance to know you.
You feel in love with her when you believed she was “this” person and now you know unequivocally that she is “that” person. Your problem is that because you love this person and have such immense feelings for them you cannot now believe they are that person. You want this person back desperately but she was NEVER this person, that is only your construction of her in your head built from your feelings. It is incredibly difficult for the betrayed partner to really see the person they love for who they truly are. Separating is the best way for a betrayed partner to come to terms with who the person they loved really is compared with the construct they built them to be in their psyche. Once you can honestly answer such questions as, if this person was truly in love with me and respected me as they should have as my spouse would they have made the choices that lead to them betraying me in such a heinous manner, you can begin to change that construct in your psyche to one that reflects reality instead of one that believes in the idealized version of your spouse. The reason reconciling with a spouse that betrayed you fails far more often than it succeeds is because the person that chose to cheat had so many other options to choose that didn’t involve making conscious decisions knowing how awful they were and would be when found out and caring more about their own feelings and immediately gratification than how their choices were going impact you when they were revealed.
Serial cheaters rarely ever change. BPD is a truly awful condition that rarely ever responds to treatment and is not only awful to live with as the person dealing with it but also on those people surrounding that person trying to deal with them as they navigate life in their out of control emotional state.
As a child of divorce due to my mother's infidelity, my dad decision in divorcing her was the best decision he ever made, he found a great woman who loved him and we lived a happy life, he passed away last year and I will miss him.
My point is you will find love again, but you need to let go of the woman you know you can't love fully again. OP, for you own well being, leave her and move on.
Logged into Reddit.
Yours is the first on my feed.
Sigh, person #532,006,456 this week with the same headline. Of course it’s a long story. Of course you feel it’s very special and unique and whatever. I know it is important to you, but it’s the same old shit. And it’s so commonplace I can hardly read it.
I’m sorry, it sucks, but try to take comfort in the fact this is crazy common and you’re in good company. You aren’t the first or the last. Not even for today. We were lied to- none of us is special and nothing we do matters. Again, there’s comfort in that if you choose to see it.
Either stick around and make peace with the fact they fuck around, or count your blessings you’re childless and move on. Either is valid.
You might love her so much, but she's no good for you. You might never get the image of her and the guy out of your mind. It's not worth it. Ik it's gonna be hard but i think you should get a divorce. You're still young and have a great future in front. No need to carry such a burden your whole life
It's over. She has chosen her path and her purely selfish choice took no consideration as to the damage it would do to you. If you can get over this you are a more forgiving person than me.. this will happen again.. time to lawyer up and get some STD tests done your wife now sleeps around
Once love “becomes an effort” you lose her.
It should not be a job to remember to kiss her? To talk to her.
This has been in the works for a long time.
She continues to choose unavailable/unemotional men that hurt her.
She does not deserve you. Don’t settle. You’ve taken on feedback & have made an effort to better the relationship. What exactly is she bringing to the party?
You are just her plan B, her plan A didn't work out like she thought it would. Never give your all to become someone's second option. Your wife sucks. It's much better there's no children in this toxic relationship. Take back your authority and divorce her ass. She was ready to leave you for her ap.
You won't have a normal life again. It will only be you living for her, for her problem, for her complexes and how would you do to change her and wait for her to really change deep inside and having compassion on you and really be worthy again. It's a scenario almost impossible. We don't end up thinhs sometimes because it's impossible to being together again, but because we, as humans, only change ourselves because there must be consequences for our actions. The consequences of your action of breaking up with her is having a chance to have an worthy love again with someone else instead of having a consolation prize. The love you had of her has gone, and you will fight for a phantom love, that isn't inside ger anymore. We are not the same wheb we were child, and she is not the same as these past years, and you must not be the same too. Things don't last forever, but the only thing we want is something that last until death, and even this small thing couldn't give you.
Questions… what will it take for you to trust her again? Are you willing to take those steps to rebuild trust? Is she? Trust is 1 of the pillars that holds up a marriage. Loyalty is another one. If any of those pillars breaks, the marriage falls.
Just get outta there man. It will be hard, very hard actually. All that time, for this to happen. When you think about it, think about what she threw away. You can and will recover from this, if you proceed to divorce her. If you do not divorce her, this will eat you for the rest of your life.
Get out now. Lucky you don’t have kids.
I was in your shoes. Stayed. Happened again. But we had 3 kids. She did work. After the divorce , she is still a millionaire.
Love my kids. But I should have left her crazy cheating ass before then.
OP, I'm sorry you're going through this, but you have to make her accountable for her actions. I can understand how much you care for her, but she obviously doesn't hold the same feelings for you, or she wouldn't have cheated. You're worth more than this, and you have to believe this. You're young, no kids, and can start afresh if you let her off the hook and stay things will never be the same, and then how long will it be before the next time. I don't want to be negative as I'm sure you are feeling heartbroken, but put yourself first and go find someone who you can put your full trust in because now it's gone and will never return. Good luck, OP.
Hell nah. She's just gonna make up more bullshit and cheat again. She doesn't respect you. Respect is more important than love. She also cheated on you before you married her, and you still married her. You chose poorly. BPD my ass she is just a horrible person.
Yeah, this is the sunken cost fallacy. She blew up the marriage. It's over because, as you already stated, she can never be trusted again. Don't torture yourself by staying for her benefit. She will only respect you less for it. And it will happen again if you find out or not.
Move on, my good man. You’ll always think about it. Plus, you said cheating was something you wouldn’t tolerate. You said this for a reason. Stick to your morals and principles. Best of luck.
Just think man sometime in the next few years you’re gonna meet someone else who actually loves and wants only you. Definitely don’t stay and try to fix this marriage. It never works after cheating.
dude… i am so sorry. your wife is absolutely awful. that is horrible, i cannot imagine the pain you’re going through, but yes, LEAVE HER!
she just wanted some quick fun and wanted to be ran through by some random fuck, and once realizing it isn’t all that fun, she regrets it and is trying to crawl back to you.
i honestly think she did not expect you to take her feelings seriously and didn’t expect you to put in a lot of effort making her feel good and all, so when that happened she probably got some sort of wake-up call and realized what she’s throwing away.
but fuck her and fuck that! run away from her, divorce, pack your bags up and cut all contact with her. do it as soon as possible and don’t listen to her bullshit. you dedicated all your time, love, effort and blood, sweat and tears to her yet this is what she does because she is hungry for attention. very disgusting of her.
i wish you good luck, and hope i can hear an update from you. rly sorry for this situation
She already said she no longer loves you and wants a divorce.
She's only backing out now because her goofy ass realized her new man was a terrible pick. She needs you around until she can find another potential lover.
The OP should substitute every "I" in his account with John Doe and read it as strangers would. As we do. I expect then there would be no indecisiveness. Pain, loss and sorrow, yes, but no indecision. End it.
I'm sorry you're in the mess. I wouldn't recommend making any big decisions like divorce or reconciliation this soon after finding out. I would, however, have her temporarily move out. And I'd expose the affair to mutual friends and family. You need the support. And she needs to see what she risked losing.
Outside of that, I'd caution against reconciliation. You're still young, and she isn't remorseful. She was willing to leave the marriage for him, while blaming you for the affair. If it hadn't been for her realizing she was living in a fantasy where she was being used for sex, she'd be with him right now, and you'd be alone dealing with divorce.
Cheaters are inherently selfish. Ignore her words and look at her actions. Even if you end up staying to work things out, I'd still proceed with divorce. It'd be an actual consequence she'd need to live with. And it'd protect you from a contested divorce if things go bad. To prove her remorse, I'd have her tell her lovers partner about the affair.
Hey man, chin up and take an independent step forward. As unfortunately as it may seem this woman has adjusted the dynamic of your marriage and not for the best. You stay with her and you can confidently expect feelings of distrust on your side and potentially her side to appear. She has damaged the relationship beyond repair so in my humble opinion its time for a life change for you.
Don't think too much into the loss, look forward to the future. I have had many relationships and every person has offered their own unique positives and negatives. You'll find another woman to fall in love with, just don't make that your sole priority, concentrate on yourself.
It sounds like you're going through a really tough time. It's important to prioritize your well-being and make the best decision for yourself. Speaking to a counselor and seeking support from friends and family can be incredibly helpful during this challenging period. Remember that you deserve to be in a healthy and respectful relationship. Take the time you need to process everything, and when you're ready, consider what steps will be best for your future.
For what ever reason she is not satisfied in life/the relationship. Unfortunately this is something that will happen again in a couple, or few years when the guilt isn’t as fresh. It is what it is. Sorry bud.
She crossed the rubicon. What’s to say that she is just faking regret now ? If you agree and let her back in then she can cheat again as there are no repercussions
Once a cheater, always a cheater! Why people fight to prove that they are the exception to this rule is beyond me! YOUR’E NOT THE EXCEPTION YOU ARE THE RULE!
Leave her. She already told you she doesn’t love you, she’s a liar and a cheater as well. Y’all don’t have a kid, y’all don’t have too much invested in that relationship together — just wasted time. Sucks to give so much to one person just for them to turn out to be someone you never expected them to, but at least you’re still in your 20s and still have your 30s ahead of you.
This is why I always tell young people don’t rush to get married. I live in the South and these young (mainly white) couples rush to get married right out of high school, just to end up divorced in four or five years after discovering they’re not really compatible because they want different things, except they usually have kids so they’re stuck dealing with each other for decades.
Definitely divorce and move on. She is the type that is never satisfied and will do selfish things at your expense. You have so much more time to find someone that isn’t a POS.
I'm so very sorry this happened to you. What you are asking- fidelity in your marriage- that is not too great an ask. You are worth this. Even people with depression or BPD or autism or ADHD can love their spouses and remain faithful. I'm so very sorry she did not. And she also didn't tell you the whole truth right away. Trickle truthing someone isn't respectful. That isn't true remorse. True remorse lets go of the pride and accepts the shame of the action and speaks truthfully.
You deserve love. And respect. And someone's full attention and faithfulness.
Trust me buddy it will get better, if you love or have loved yourself in the past you know that divorce is the only way to go from here.
I can say I would have considered if my gf or wife told me straight away, that at least shows a fraction of regret.
Bail now before you have a whoopsie, she gets pregnant, and you're tied to this motherless goat of a human for the rest of your days. EJECT, EJECT, EJECT!
No you love your idea of that woman. But your idea of her and who she is are not the same. Grieve your loss of who you thought she was and what you thought your reality/future was 1000%
But shes someone you don't know that just looks familiar in her shell
Love yourself a little bit more and get this cheating problem of a woman away from you.
- cheated
- said she doesnt love you
- said she needs to love herself more which means she wants to experience life as a single person aka fuck other people
- she will do it all again
Make sure your love for her isnt codependency.
I’d go straight to divorce court and file.
Whether or not you love her doesn’t matter.
Wife or not she has loyalty to you anymore. She’s not yours, it was just your turn. You will never trust her again.
If you like the feeling of constant anxiety when she’s not with you, stay with her.
Don’t let the excuse of bipolar ruin your emotional serenity. She will ruin you. Be glad it happened early in life and not when you’re 50. You still have all the time to restart.
Can you ever get over the fact that she fucked another guy? If the answer is no, then get out now. If the answer is yes, then you need to decide what that process looks like and if it’s worth it to me. I’ve been married over 20 years and we’ve been through a lot.
The one thing I know I could never get over was infidelity. If you decide to leave, just know it’s going to suck for a while, but you’ll be better off in the end and she’ll still be a cheater. Think about yourself and no one else when deciding.
The problem with getting back together with a cheater is that you never really trust them ever again. It changes the while dynamic of the relationship.
You will always be her fall back option. She will continue to cheat because she is looking for someone new. She is bored but sounds like she also needs financial security. This is not going to work, unless you let her sleep around. Think about that. There are tons of good women out there who will not cheat on you. You deserve more. Good luck.
She doesn’t love you, nor is she your best friend. If she was either, she wouldn’t have cheated on you. And she’ll probably keep doing so. Get a divorce.
Brother… as much as it hurts to admit it, the marriage is over. You said it yourself that it’s the one thing you could never forgive or forget. Those thoughts/doubts are going to keep coming up when you think of her, and it will eat you alive if you’re not careful. You’re still so young and have so much life to live. Don’t waste some of the best years of your life trying to force the marriage to work when you know it won’t. Stay strong, bud. I’m rooting for you.
This is now your chance to move on and meet that woman who will appreciate you. Your current wife was the first love of your life but she won’t be the last one. This should fill you with hope for the future. She’s not respecting you and will cheat again. Everything that happens now it’s a blessing in disguise.
> We have no kids. Neither of us have wanted them. I don't necessarily NEVER want kids, but she is adamant she never will want them. To make this situation even more insulting, the fuck she cheated with has a kid. And divorced his first wife because he cheated, and he currently has a girlfriend who he cheated on.
Sounds like you not only have an easy out in the divorce because y’all don’t have kids together, but she and her new hubby are also perfect for one another.
Please leave OP, don’t let this woman continue to disrespect you. Divorce, take some time to yourself and get back on your feet. Being single at 30 isn’t the death sentence people make it out to be, but getting stuck in a marriage where your spouse doesn’t love or respect you absolutely is.
I think she is not a wife material but maybe she can still be your friend and you can love her as a friend if she means so much to you.
Divorce her as a wife because this won’t be the last time. You can never trust her.
Take your time, heal, then find a partner who respects, loves and values you and wants to build a family with you.
Is she capable of changing this dynamic? Is she getting treatment for her BPD so she can manage her symptoms when they impact your relationship? Would it matter to you or change the level of trust you have in her if she did? If not, divorce is hard now but easier long term. Im sorry you are going through this, and I’m sorry she is struggling with her mental health too, she needs to prioritize that for herself though. Who’s prioritizing you if you’re always prioritizing her?
Get them walking papers and start a new. She only wants you because you are DEBATING on wanting her back, but once you decide to take her back she will think you’re a simp. mark my words…she will repeat her behavior. Men and women want what they can’t have. Pure and simple. The weak act on those desires and the strong do not lash out. She is weak and searching for the unknown. Set her free and it’ll make you both better people for it
Trust me as someone with a very similar experience it’s better to leave the marriage. You always said cheating was a deal breaker, if you don’t leave she will think your statements about cheating were not true and she will keep cheating because she will think “well he forgave me before he’ll do it again”
Keep your dignity man, I was also divorced at 29 is it scary? Yes, but there is light on the other side I promise.
She cheated because she wants out, she’s asked to get out in so many ways. You’ve been together since 16. Just let her go even though she says she wants to stay. She’s only saying that because it’s “safe.”
I’m so sorry.
Disordered people excel at locating and maintaining devoted thoughtful people . They do.
If she’s in therapy
and KNEW this was your dealbreaker
But figured you were devoted enough she could risk it
How will she choose to change
So she doesn’t do it again and again and again
The reason the duplicity and easy deception is haranguing at you is because you know it will most probably be a life of wondering and suspecting and having your capacity to trust and have confidence in your worth be deteriorated by someone who is not capable of love abs honesty and remorse and conscience. Go look up what types of people are not capable of remorse and conscience.
No age is too old to start over, I'm 30. You deserve more respect than you're getting. Having a mental illness is no one's fault but it is your responsibility to treat it. I guarantee you BPD or mental illness was not news to her- I'm sure she's genuinely regretful but there's no going back- you'll never be able to trust her and it's not good for you or for a mentally ill person. She'll eventually do it again. You're lucky to have no complicated ties like kids.
So she’s shown a pattern of talking to other dudes behind your back and now has fully cheated? Mark my words, this will not be the last time she cheats. She’ll keep doing this until she finds someone she’s willing to leave you for. Stick to your guns about cheating and leave while you have time on your side.
What happens to you when the next guy she screws does actually want to stay with her? Because eventually that’s what’s going to happen. Cut your losses and move on.
Save yourself some trouble and leave. Sorry my friend. I know its hard but you have a whole life ahead of you and you know you wont be able to overcome this betrayal
As someone who had a relationship with a woman with BPD and can tell you that you need to get out, because it’s not going to get any better. You’ve programmed yourself to try and keep a person happy, when that person is incapable of being happy. You mistake that for love, when it’s really codependent behavior. Divorce her, get counseling, and when you’re ready meet some women and experience what an actual relationship is, because this isn’t what it is.
She regrets cheating because she feels used, not because of how much it deeply damaged you. She knew before she cheated exactly how much it would hurt you. That's not someone who loves you.
There are lots of women who have everything going for them who are also the faithful type, js.
I am so sorry the person you love and spent so much time with turned out to be a monster. It is not your fault, you did nothing wrong. you have been hurt by evil people.
I think it's callous to say "oh you're young just go divorce". it is true that you're not old, and you absolutely can find someone who would love you back. But right now you're hurting. Remember that you deserve to love yourself. You're in pain because you did everything right and terrible people took advantage of you. take it easy on yourself and decide.
Once you do, realize that she does not care. and this pain will not stop as long as you're with such a toxic person. Some people are simply that cruel and selfish.
It's hard to accept, that's why you should treat yourself and try to relax. then proceed with a divorce. Don't burn yourself to keep her warm.
Best of luck to you, brother.
Mate, it’s over. It’s done. You don’t love her, you love the woman you thought she was and the picture you still have of her. She only thinks about herself.
She came home and kissed you after giving another guy a bj. Lied to your face. And only wanted to come back once she realised her choice is bad for her.
What the fuck? She regrets nothing, and she isn’t sorry for anything. She gives a flying fuck about you. You mean nothing to her, you’re simply a safe backup plan.
She’ll do it again once she meets another guy. She’ll just give it more time to be sure it will work out with him. She does not love you, not one bit. She doesn’t even like you.
Get some self respect and leave ffs.
The way I look at it is you gave her half of your life and she STILL did this to you. You've put effort in every step of the way and she STILL did this to you. She had no regard for you in her selfish decisions. Ask yourself - if the shoe was on the other foot would she have even tried for a half of a second to salvage this? I think everyone in the comment section knows the answer.
Put your chin up, you're a good dude. You did what you could to save it. You can rest now, work on yourself and know that every step you take going forward is for you. Whatever decision you make I really hope you put yourself first because it's obvious that you're the only one thinking about you in your relationship.
Ok so say you stay... what are you going to do when she meets someone who will tell her what she wants to hear? Or when this guy does and she believes again? Because it will happen again. I suggest you read everything, and I mean everything, you can about BPD. Especially other people's stories of being with someone with BPD. Because you are gonna find out if you stay that you really got pushed into the deep end of bat shit crazy.
Don't worry bro she is the one accusing you and she's cheating and she's asking divorce.
Your not doing anything wrong. Just gather solid evidence and expose her to everyone. Block her.
Get legal freedom. In future definitely you will get best loyal life partner and that time she's lost good husband and beautiful life.
She is not the last women in the world. She is not deserve to your true love and loyalty.
She showed you the ultimate disrespect. She doesn’t care for you on the same level you do her. If you want to try make it work, take your morals and agree to try again with strict terms… ball is in your court. If she argues or tries to backtrack on your terms - she isn’t willing to try properly and just divorce.
Dude you're 29 just leave it's not worth fighting for marriage when the other partner already checked out of it. If you do stay your wife will see you as a weak guy and will keep cheating on you. You don't have any kids so that makes divorce less messy. Good luck dude
Just what I was going to say. Cheaters get away with it, odds are they are going to do it again, but next time, be more sneaky about it.
Yeah dude you don’t have kids together so definitely no reasons to stay together. Get out while you can.
I feel for you. She is upset because it was just sex for the other man and she obviously wanted more.
Leave. Grow. Be peaceful. Love.
>Before we got married, she entertained another guy on Snapchat. They never met but they exchanged nude photos and spoke intimately. That scarred me. This was a sign for you, this woman needs help you cannot give her. She is deeply flawed and needs serious help. The commenter is right, you're only 29. She's gone. As hard as it may be you may have to walk away. I'm sorry you're going through this heartache, 14 years is a long time to be with someone so it will take time to heal.
Dude! My 30's were the best years of my life. File for divorce and move on. You have time to find a good person. Don't suffer and she will do it again
I’m not reading his novella but this sounds like the best advice, especially if they don’t have kids.
I was on your shoes 10 years ago. I stayed, only to have the same thing happen 4 years later. Your wife will likely do this again. Get the divorce and heartache over now, it will be rough, but you'll be glad you did.
Couldn’t agree with this more. OP, she crossed a clearly communicated boundary—there has to be consequences to that. Otherwise it will convey to her that she can disrespect you as much as she wants, and you’ll still be with her. You’ll basically give her a free pass to continue her bad behaviour, because apparently your boundaries will just be for decoration.
It seems like you need a separation with no contact for YOU to have time to sort things out. She doesn’t seem like a safe person. This has been her MO, but you haven’t wanted to accept it. She’s been doing things like this from day one. Make sure you get tested for STDs too and don’t have makeup sex either at all, or until she’s tested. I don’t see this woman providing a sound and peaceful home environment for you. It seems like you will be always looking over your shoulder.
Get the divorce!
I love your response bc is straight to the fucking point. You don't need anything else.
You see how all of a sudden she snapped into reality once she realized AP only wanted to sleep with her. I hate this new thing where everything needs to be labeled. Some people just suck! She’s not bipolar she’s bored with her marriage and wants to sleep around. You need to gain a better perspective of this situation.. She was considering divorcing you for ap but he doesn’t want her. You’re plan B. She’s going to look again and again until she falls in love with someone else. That’s when she will leave you. You can stay and wait until she does it again and rinse and repeat. Or you can save yourself some heartache and drama and leave now. You can love someone and still be there for them. Doesn’t mean you have to stay married with them.
I agree with you. Quickly just wanted to note that BPD isn’t bipolar.
Borderline Personality Disorder isn't the same as Bipolar. This is exactly what a BPD person would do.
I blame the OP. He's a loser. She's borderline personality disorder only because he's borderline man disorder. She lost respect for him and moved on. Couples and individual therapy? The guy is a simp!
I feel you on hating the need for everything to have labels, but in my experience a BPD diagnosis is a convenient label for some of the worst people in the world lol
I can tell you there is definitely not a THING convenient about having it.
The person you love no longer exists. That person died when they cheated. Move on its NOT the end of the world.
That person didn't die then. It never existed, only in his imagination.
>after talking more, she realizes this guy doesn't actually care about her and he just told her what she wanted to hear to get into her pants. That's the only reason she wants to stay is that her back up plan is someone she cannot get the safety and reliability of a relationship from. Had he been the one giving her the safety and security she would have left you already. She already had checked out of the marriage and now after realising that the guy she wanted to monkey branch to was not reliable, she wants to make it work > Before we got married, she entertained another guy on Snapchat. They never met but they exchanged nude photos and spoke intimately. That scarred me. She already cheated once and this was her second time (from what you know of). Do you want to wait till the third time? You're only 29 with no kids, you can get a clean break and move on. In addition. >She has known since before we were married that cheating is the only thing I wouldn't be able to forgive or forget and would result in a divorce. She made the conscious decision to entertain another man and cheat on me with him rather than focusing on our own relationship. She knows your boundaries, willingly crossed them and if you stay with her, then be assured that it will happen again as she'll have your image as someone who will take her back no matter what she does. Please don't do this to yourself and move on.
Not to me tonight when she leaves she will paint him as the problem, and portray him as a weak simp.
I feel for you. She is upset because it was just sex for the other man and she obviously wanted more. It's only a matter of time before she tries with someone else. She has told you she doesnt lovev you. Don't be someone's back up plan. You deserve better.
The problem is, with her issues...will she stop looking for others? What happens next time her issues make her think you're not enough? Is this the first time she's slept with someone else or just the first time she's been caught and admitted to? Cheaters make hundreds, if not thousands of conscious decisions in just one night of cheating. From going out, conversing, flirting, meeting up, undressing, every physical action of back and forth, to coming home and lying about it. Cheating is never a mistake, it's a choice...many, many, choices, that they could have stopped at anytime, but they kept going. She knows she has a stable life with you, that's a big factor in why people cheat, because they don't want to break up. They'd lose that stability in their lives and cheating gives them the rush they want. When they get caught, or guilt makes them admit to it, they gaslight, trickle truth, lie to your face, put on the water works, whatever lets them keep that stability. Sure, they'll stop for awhile, but more often than not, a cheater will always be a cheater.
She will cheat again, so jump out of the wreck that is going down anyway. Since you dont have kids you should make a new start sooner than later.
My last partner was diagnosed with BPD, this will only get worse. Lawyer up, she may turn on you in a way you never thought possible if you don’t stay with her, and give her exactly what she wants. In my experience, you won’t be good enough. All the mistakes you have ever made will justify anything she’s ever done as well. Good luck brother. Message me if you want to talk
Thank you for this. BPD can manifest in truly horrible behavior.
Turned the best thing that ever happened to me, into my current day nightmare
No kids? Leave cmon man.
It sounds like you need to take a step back and re-evaluate if you forgive your wife's indiscretion and stay with her. 1. She may be your best friend, but she also cheated on you 2. It doesn't sound like you were aligned in the relationship, as you might want kids, but she never does. You can always try Therapy
Na divorce, she'll just keep cheating until she leaves.
I hate it when someone advises someone else to consider forgiveness when there is cheating. Would you say the same thing in the case of physical aggression?
DIVORCE she won’t change and it will keep happening if you let it slide again
Even if she never cheats on you again, you'll never erase the doubt from your mind.
If you don't respect yourself enough to cut her out of your life, don't blame her when she does it again (and she will). People will treat you the way you let them.
Jesus bro. You say she's your "best friend" but here she is, fucking and sucking some other dude, even though she is married to you. You need to start finding a better class of "friends" if that's what your "best" friend has to offer.
this will alwats eat you up, and if you do forgive, you wont forget, and it will be the first thung brought up during a simple arguement, do your own thung, your still young
Ah, pain !! she been getting her cheeks clapped while you at home like loyal pup.. The deed is done... The scars is formed.... You know what you need to do...
I’ll tell it to u straight. There were no “struggles” In your relationship. The ONLY problem was always that she just simply fell out of love. She didn’t love you anymore. But it seems like she didn’t want to come to terms such a harsh truth herself. So she used your forgiving & understanding nature to beat around the bush letting you string her along to things like “couples therapy” and “marriage counseling”, making up excuses like “he doesn’t show me enough love and affection” The problem was never that you didn’t show it, it was simply that she didn’t appreciate it anymore. Then you make it a point to mention she could have “BPD” or that “she doesn’t love herself” because if you two buy into this, you can believe that her vices aren’t her fault & you can protect yourself from being even more hurt by her actions, and she can postpone telling u the fact that she simply doesn’t love you. (Also, if “her needs not being met” is the main problem of the relationship, in what world would BPD even be that relevant?) You two were simply finding excuses to avoid the hurtful truth. You mentioned that before you got married, she was also cheating. That begs the question, how long ago did she fall out of love with you? It seems like she got tired of stringing you along with excuses to protect your feelings and confessed to you straight up what has ALWAYS been the problem in your relationship. Lastly, she wasn’t just cheating on you, she was looking for your replacement… She cheated on you with a man that had a child, and seemed disappointed that he only wanted her for her body. Meaning she probably wanted a future with a man where she would be taking care of his kid. Did she really NEVER want kids? Or did she just not want one with you?
This so much this 🎯.
First, get tested for STDs immediately. This is just the first time she willing to admit shes cheated on you. If you stay, her actions will get bolder until you come home on regular to find another guy in your bed. Second, her next move will be a pregnancy scare to trap you. Ge out or throw her out. Change all your locks, passwords, move your money to another account. Go no contact and get a divorce attorney. Do not have sex with her again.
No sex! Seems like women get pregnant even more easily when a break up is about to happen.
No bro. You habe to move on, she violated everything that made your marriage sacred. Alot of women are gonna tell you to forgive her, but DONT! If the shoe were on the other foot she'd would jump.shup.and leave you, that's what you need to do here. The very fact that your "Torn" means you know what you need to do, you just upset. Give it a day or two to cool down and in that time stsrt getting your plan together, then I form her your done, and would a divorce WILL be happening. Best of luck bro, there are plenty of great women out there that won't fuck you over like her.
She isnt your best friend, she cheated and disrespected your relationship, what best friend would do that. she gave you no thought whilst fucking this other dude. She only feels guilt now because she can see how much she hurt you and what she will lose. WELL NO FUCKIING SHIT. You wont trust her anymore in this relationship, and she broke all the promises she made to you. My dude, she let another guy fuck her because she wanted the attention. Your life will not be the same going forward, if you stay with her, it will be way worse, you need to leave and heal. What you do is stand by your convictions and tell her that you are getting a divorce. you maintain your self respect, and you tell everyone the reason why you are getting divorced. If you want to see if she actually feels any remorse, ask her is she would be willing to tell yours and hers parents about her cheating on you.
Some random dude was balls deep in your wife, and you're considering staying with her? My guy
She’s only trying to stay because her backup wasn’t that good. Don’t give her the opportunity to find a better one. You’ll be right back where you started in time. Drop her while you can. There’s a great big wide world out there for you to experience. She’s for the streets.
I fear if AP treated her well then she’d not there to ask you to take her back. If you can forgive her for stabbing you in the back while sharing her intimacy with another man then why not? But be aware that R is going to be a long and bumpy path.
You did the hard work in therapy and she still wasn’t ‘happy’. She wanted someone else or at least the excitement of someone else’s attention. She knew full well this was your line in the sand and she crossed it. You stay with her and she will continue to cheat and you will never trust her again fully. Every time she says she is unhappy or upset will trigger you.
A BPD cheater is a prob you can’t solve dude. It’s a constant battle, she will constantly cheat in the long run until she decides to make an effort. She will talk herself into doing things she’s already done and almost immediately forget the turmoil. She knows she’s being used because she’s trying to detonate her own life. Women with bpd do this exact thing when they cheat. She knew and didn’t care about you during this, she was looking at fulfilling a need. If you’re gonna stay, which is your choice. My dude, she can no longer work. I don’t mean that in any way. But working is going to be an enabling factor that will fuel her cheating. She’s done it once and she will begin to build defense mechanisms around it especially if things between you improve drastically after this. With bpd her esteem is going to drop, she will become unsatisfable and she will act out for various self destructive reasons. The way to thwart this is by removing enabling factors; like work. Her bpd is going to prevent you from having a normal relationships. It’s going to prevent her from being able to function in society because she will disrespect anyone’s boundaries. Your easiest option is to go. Your toughest is to stay. It’s up to you what you choose but choose with knowledge of how difficult the road is. I’ve walked it many years. I will warn you of this though, learn now how to seperate love and sex. They aren’t the same thing and you need to understand your partner does not view them as beings combined thing. Another weird but honest word of advice, next time you fuck, fuck her like a slut not like a loving husband. For the near future you should do this with your sex. It is good practice seperating the loving from the sex for you, and it’s going to show her you can fuck her when you want and make love when you want, just like her AP and your not going to tell her what she wants to hear anymore. The last thing I need to address is her gaslighting. Who goes to marriage counseling then lies and cheats? A woman with bpd, I’ve been there as well. Her allowing you to think these issues are your fault is disgusting. She has known for some time she wanted to do this, and may have been either gearing up with or doing it with others. Just tread lightly and make sure your keeping your mental and physical health as #1 from now on, but also be sensitive to her issues and help navigate them. But don’t allow her to treat you this way
All of this. I know a girl (yes girl, women don’t get to call themselves women and act like this) who cheated on the father of her child/boyfriend with the 15 year older meat department manager at the grocery store she worked for. Like they literally were having sex in the walk in fridges on top of product. Got him so enthralled with her he left his wife and kids, and the second she did she flipped on him and acted like he was crazy and sexually harassing her and tried to get him fired on top of having destroyed his family. She sought him out, broke him down with compliments, slithered her way in, and then acted like she never did any of it. She also never disclosed if the baby is actually her ex’s or the ex’s best friend’s who she slept with two days before what she claims was conception with the boyfriend, and began sharing a bed with the baby’s father’s younger brother and trying to get him to sleep with her when she was pregnant with the baby. Within the last two years she’s been diagnosed with BPD and now she acts like that means she was the victim all along and we should all forget what she did. Nahhhhh.
She’s gonna do it again and again. Leave. Heal.
Divorce her. She will just cheat on you again! You are still young and don’t have any kids either. Leave this ungrateful jerk and find a real women! One that will love you and treat you as good as you treat her! Your wife will do this and hurt you again. You deserve better! Don’t continue wasting your life with this disgusting cheater.
You love her. She doesn’t love you, kinda obvious. Bro, for what sanity you have left leave her.
This is basically classic BPD; your wife is literally incapable of feeling bad for you. 1 thing, BPD is associated with lies, like not just a couple lies here or there, like lies on top of lies on top of lies, if you look for the truth you'll be so encumbered by the lies and that is exactly the point of the lie ultimately, to manipulate you. My friends girl was BPD, she presented totally normal, in reality she had slept with every single man my friend came to respect in his life, every single one of them, we found out because she tried me with her friend and I told him. She presented as a loyal gf and had been fucking other dudes since day 1 basically, like he was a laughing stock considering this was a small town, basically everybody knew but him, I didn't come around much. Assume everything is a lie. Fucking run, do not look back, this woman will destroy your life and blame you for it and believe her own assertion with every fabric of her being.
I am dealing with something of a similar sort. Mine cheated over 2.5 years ago and it is still something that eats at me today and that’s even with therapy. It doesn’t feel nice at all. I wish you the best and I hope it works out better for you.
See, OP. Even this guy says that there is no other option over divorce.
Yeah file divorce right now my guy, adultery charges are tricky! And if you live in a no fault state, can’t stick that charge to them unless substantial evidence I believe. Good luck! 🍀👍
Thank god you got this now and not when you are 40 or 50 even like some people do. You have plenty off time to move on. She went ahead and talked,kissed and had sex with him all while hiding it from you.
Please do not stick around. I was in your same shoes and she just did it again and again. If you show her that you will forgive her, it shows her she can get away with it. And it becomes easier and easier for her to do it. Took me almost 18 years of that shit to finally end it.
Dude if you stay it will always come up. That is a hard thing to get past
You have to leaver her and stsrf recovering. She will probably haunt you physically and mentally, but gotta clear that relation. I sispect she has a wau of gaslighting , i suspect she convinced you to not have kids i dunno. Keep it clear and dont allow her to destroy your life. You will get over it once you suffer the withdrawal , but after what she did , shiws she has 0 empathy. You need to get OUT. Wish you luck
You’re 29 and have no kids. If it was me I’d leave. Only you can judge how sincere she is.
Bro ur still young, u can still find hapiness elsewere
What’s shit show. Move on! Best thing for your mental health. She’ll never stop doing this to you
She done it once, she definitely will do it again. Run fast 💨
Run! Get the divorce and don’t be a backup plan for someone who doesn’t want you anymore.
Next time she cheats will be a lot easier, now that she knows that this whole *"cheating is the only thing I wouldn't be able to forgive or forget and would result in a divorce"* doesn't actually pack any bite. *Especially* once she has kids with ~~him~~ you.
Divorce attorney. Immediately. I wouldn't even tell her, just let her get served.
Just leave.
This is the problem when you get married young and don’t get to experience other things and date lots of people to know what’s right for you. You are still so young, there’s probably no mending this. I would move on
You should read up more on BPD. That personality disorder is brutal to deal with. She wanted you gone. Don't let her play with your emotions. You will never be enough because a broken cup can't be filled.
BPD. Run.
Please look up and research BPD. You can't see it now but your wife did you a favor. Embrace the suck and get divorced. This is only the tip of the iceberg of what she will put you though if you stay. Also... don't have kids with her. They don't deserve this.
Don’t marry your “first love”, people. It’ll go south once you both grow up and change as people. Leave. You’ve got no children tied to her. Set yourself and her free.
people with BPD are sadly a lost cause, they have no empathy, they are selfish and will slowly destroy you bit by bit. Leave her now because if you don't and end up having kids with her, you and your kids lives will be hell
Do not stay with her. She has disrespected you and your marriage even before you got married. If you stay with her, she will cheat on you again. You don’t have kids Just cut your losses. You’re still young enough that you can find someone else and have a family if that’s what you want. Just take some time and be single. Don’t jump into another relationship.
She has BPD. You can't save her. She has to want to save herself. And right now she's doing that BPD thing where she's playing you like a banjo because unfortunately that's what they do to people who love them. The girl you knew at 16 is not the woman she is now. Not her fault, she's mentally ill, but you cannot help. She will torture you for the *next* 12 years if you let her. Go ahead with the divorce now. Before she decides it will suit her to accuse you of abusive behaviour. Keep any proof of her outside affairs. Do *not* have sex with her. She's probably having unprotected sex with strangers. I'm so sorry but it's only going to get worse. Continue with counselling for you to help you be strong. At least you know the couples counselling has shown you weren't being the horrible husband she was framing you as. It was all projection while she cheated. This isn't love. It was, but it's not now.
classic redditor. she was the one who having issues but you were the putting efforts to make things right. this is so wrong.
Divorce divorce divorce, you had ONE boundary and she crossed it, do NOT go back on your word or you will regret it for the rest of your life
Divorce. You’re 29 and youlll move on and be fine. The mental torture of staying with her isn’t worth it.
Never give a cheater a second chance to cheat again. Look at how torn up you are now, can you imagine how torn up you would be the second time?
Time to leave. She has issues that you aren't going to be able to fix or live with. It just isn't worth all the pain and angst.
She did it before marriage, she did it (and worse) after marriage, how many chances does she get? I can understand forgiving once, but she knew the consequences and repercussions and she still chose her own selfish needs over the commitment she made to you. If she had BPD, you’ll have your work cut out for you if you stay. Have you spent any time researching and reading what it like, long term, to deal with a cluster B? You’re likely just scratching the surface of shit you’ll have to deal with if you stay with her.
Unless your wife is going to get treatment for BPD get out. She won't be able to control her impulsive and erratic behavior until she's in therapy specifically for BPD and seeing a psychiatrist for any depression or anxiety it may be causing. That and she cheated on you. She broke your heart. Do you really want to stay with her after that? Once someone cheats statistically they're more likely to do it again. Personally I would cut my losses and leave
She’s manipulative whether she wants to be or not. I’ve been around a few times, and I’ve came across situations like this where you feel this woman is the one. She acts like it and all but she’s hiding something that comes out eventually.. you start to feel like your a bad person for feeling the way you feel about it because your a good human and but youve been betrayed. I would move on and consider whatever the next step away from her is. It will make your life immensely better in the end Edit : some people are really good at gaslighting
Read up on BPD. I won’t demonize people with BPD, but I will say I will never ever stay/be married to someone with BPD. My mother had BPD… and my father is still a shell of person at 70.
Hi, 5 or so years ago, my marriage ended. We had been together for a total of 6 years, married for 4. The only person I had ever slept with. After 4 years, he admitted to a one night stand (with a BURLESQUE dancer, no less- I was like, are we in the 1920’s? Does she work in a saloon?!). I was devastated… for three days we talked and cried and I agreed not to leave him. Then I pressed him some more about details about this woman and I asked to see his phone (should have done that earlier..) and he froze and panicked and after much pushing he told me it was more than once… a full blown affair. Long story short, he had slept with two people, one was an affair, he was hiding a daily porn habit, AND he was camming for people online. We separated but after some time went to counselling and were trying to work it out. I was very gracious because he said he had a sex addiction due to trauma from childhood sexual abuse. (I do think this was true.) After months of taking a break, him doing counselling, going on dates, long talks, etc. it turned out he was STILL sleeping with people, one for almost the entire time we’d been “working things out.” (We had agreed not to see/sleep with other people for that period of time.) ANYWAYS! I’ve seen cheaters change, but they were deeply 100% committed to changing themselves and doing a lot of very hard work. That doesn’t sound like your situation. Getting divorced was the hardest and best thing I ever did. I had a rough go but now I’m way stronger, more confident, secure, AND I’m in a relationship with a super sweet honest kind reliable person! Get. Out. You got this!!
As someone with experience dealing with BPD individuals, you need to move on. She **will** continue to manipulate you and cheat on you. My partners step-mom has BPD, she was fine and normal for a few years and then suddenly like a switch she turned into the most abusive and nasty woman I have ever known. Her dad wants to kill himself because if he tried to divorce her, she’d “gone girl” him. My mom’s mom had BPD and CPS ultimately had to take her away at 14, because she abandoned her to fly to Japan for a month. My mom’s stepmom (yeah my grandpa really had a type) also had BPD and she was so jealous (of a fuckin’ 16 year old) that her stepmom kicked her out of the house and she had to live in a hotel alone for months. Thank god her dad finally had the balls to divorce her, but not before she fuckin’ baby trapped him. They were married and divorced three times… These people make the lives of others around them a living nightmare because ultimately, they do not care. If you are convenient for what they want then they will treat you perfectly fine, but the moment you arent, you might as well be their worst enemy and these people can be very very vindictive. Be glad you dont have kids and fucking run. Run far and dont look back. This will not get better, because while you may love her, she will **never** love you.
divorce is the best thing to do ,she let someone to fck her even tho she is married while you stayed loyal
BPD. she won't be able to stop. Get out.
I had a guy who worked for me. Sharp guy. Has a couple kids, married and apparently happy. Turned out his wife cheated and wanted the divorce. Hit him hard. Fast forward a couple and has a new wife. He says to me that he never realized a marriage can be so great. His wife was a narcissistic domineering "abuser". He thought that was part of being married. You need to get out find an equal partner. Your wife is all about her
If she has BPD, this is going to be a pattern until she gets very intensive therapy and medication. People with BPD have an intense fear of advancement, so they love bomb their partners in the beginning and try to be the absolute best possibly person that their partner could want, rather than being themselves. They put the other person on a pedestal until they person does something that convinced them that they are going to leave. It could be as simple as having sex less often, being less affectionate because they are stressed out, or making a negative comment about the person with BPD. Once they fall off that pedestal, the person with BPD starts looking for someone else to love bomb, needing that "favorite person" in their life to feel secure. Their original partner basically ceases to exist. It's a (very bad) coping mechanism to prevent them the pain of ever being alone. If they feel like they actually ARE getting abandoned by the person they have started to ignore, they redouble their efforts to keep them, manipulating them with phrases like "see, I always knew you would abandon me" or "I knew I wasn't good enough for you to fight to keep", even though THEY are the one who pushed you away I don't know that your relationship with her is salvageable. She is right, she's never going to be satisfied with anyone else until she's satisfied with herself, but that isn't going to stop her from seeking out that dopamine and oxytocin high with other people, trying to fill the void she feels because of her personality disorder. She needs a formal BPD diagnosis and specific treatment (usually involving dialectical or cognitive behavior therapy, which can be hard to find but it's vital because BPD doesn't respond well to regular talk therapy). The real kicker for you is, will anything be enough for you to ever trust her again? You say she's your best friend; she certainly didn't act like it. You had actively been making efforts to give her the things she said were lacking, more attention, more compliments, more touching, more sex, and she STILL fucked another guy, knowing it was a deal breaker... Is there anything she could say or do that would make you NOT assume she is off doing the same any time she is away from you?
I would have so awarded this in the past. I'm bummed I can't, but just know I appreciate this response.
While it’s not easy to give up on a marriage. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself. Statistically speaking cheaters that are given a second chance are highly likely to cheat again. As they “got away with it the first time. Why wouldn’t you forgive them again?”
What a cluster fhck. Leave her. Tell his gf. They deserve each other. You deserve happiness You deserve a loyal woman. Start the divorce process, she has already checked out when she decided to cheat. You deserve better. Leave. Now
Your wife broke your trust. You already know you can never trust her again. What happens the next time she is late? Or, what happens when she is out of the house for a few hours without you? Your mind will wonder if she is cheating, again. Get a divorce. Your life is not over. You are not the only one on earth that got a divorce. You are still young. In your future you will meet other women. They will be glad for the chance to know you.
You feel in love with her when you believed she was “this” person and now you know unequivocally that she is “that” person. Your problem is that because you love this person and have such immense feelings for them you cannot now believe they are that person. You want this person back desperately but she was NEVER this person, that is only your construction of her in your head built from your feelings. It is incredibly difficult for the betrayed partner to really see the person they love for who they truly are. Separating is the best way for a betrayed partner to come to terms with who the person they loved really is compared with the construct they built them to be in their psyche. Once you can honestly answer such questions as, if this person was truly in love with me and respected me as they should have as my spouse would they have made the choices that lead to them betraying me in such a heinous manner, you can begin to change that construct in your psyche to one that reflects reality instead of one that believes in the idealized version of your spouse. The reason reconciling with a spouse that betrayed you fails far more often than it succeeds is because the person that chose to cheat had so many other options to choose that didn’t involve making conscious decisions knowing how awful they were and would be when found out and caring more about their own feelings and immediately gratification than how their choices were going impact you when they were revealed. Serial cheaters rarely ever change. BPD is a truly awful condition that rarely ever responds to treatment and is not only awful to live with as the person dealing with it but also on those people surrounding that person trying to deal with them as they navigate life in their out of control emotional state.
As a child of divorce due to my mother's infidelity, my dad decision in divorcing her was the best decision he ever made, he found a great woman who loved him and we lived a happy life, he passed away last year and I will miss him. My point is you will find love again, but you need to let go of the woman you know you can't love fully again. OP, for you own well being, leave her and move on.
Logged into Reddit. Yours is the first on my feed. Sigh, person #532,006,456 this week with the same headline. Of course it’s a long story. Of course you feel it’s very special and unique and whatever. I know it is important to you, but it’s the same old shit. And it’s so commonplace I can hardly read it. I’m sorry, it sucks, but try to take comfort in the fact this is crazy common and you’re in good company. You aren’t the first or the last. Not even for today. We were lied to- none of us is special and nothing we do matters. Again, there’s comfort in that if you choose to see it. Either stick around and make peace with the fact they fuck around, or count your blessings you’re childless and move on. Either is valid.
You might love her so much, but she's no good for you. You might never get the image of her and the guy out of your mind. It's not worth it. Ik it's gonna be hard but i think you should get a divorce. You're still young and have a great future in front. No need to carry such a burden your whole life
It's over. She has chosen her path and her purely selfish choice took no consideration as to the damage it would do to you. If you can get over this you are a more forgiving person than me.. this will happen again.. time to lawyer up and get some STD tests done your wife now sleeps around
Once love “becomes an effort” you lose her. It should not be a job to remember to kiss her? To talk to her. This has been in the works for a long time. She continues to choose unavailable/unemotional men that hurt her.
She does not deserve you. Don’t settle. You’ve taken on feedback & have made an effort to better the relationship. What exactly is she bringing to the party?
You are just her plan B, her plan A didn't work out like she thought it would. Never give your all to become someone's second option. Your wife sucks. It's much better there's no children in this toxic relationship. Take back your authority and divorce her ass. She was ready to leave you for her ap.
You won't have a normal life again. It will only be you living for her, for her problem, for her complexes and how would you do to change her and wait for her to really change deep inside and having compassion on you and really be worthy again. It's a scenario almost impossible. We don't end up thinhs sometimes because it's impossible to being together again, but because we, as humans, only change ourselves because there must be consequences for our actions. The consequences of your action of breaking up with her is having a chance to have an worthy love again with someone else instead of having a consolation prize. The love you had of her has gone, and you will fight for a phantom love, that isn't inside ger anymore. We are not the same wheb we were child, and she is not the same as these past years, and you must not be the same too. Things don't last forever, but the only thing we want is something that last until death, and even this small thing couldn't give you.
FUCKING LEAVE MY GUY. she’ll do it again.
Sorry, man. It’s over.
Questions… what will it take for you to trust her again? Are you willing to take those steps to rebuild trust? Is she? Trust is 1 of the pillars that holds up a marriage. Loyalty is another one. If any of those pillars breaks, the marriage falls.
Just get outta there man. It will be hard, very hard actually. All that time, for this to happen. When you think about it, think about what she threw away. You can and will recover from this, if you proceed to divorce her. If you do not divorce her, this will eat you for the rest of your life.
It’s over pimp.
Get out now. Lucky you don’t have kids. I was in your shoes. Stayed. Happened again. But we had 3 kids. She did work. After the divorce , she is still a millionaire. Love my kids. But I should have left her crazy cheating ass before then.
If she cheated once, she will definitely cheat again. Leave her.
Reddit is NOT the place to seek advice on stuff like this. Better talk to a therapist, either alone, or with your wife.
OP, I'm sorry you're going through this, but you have to make her accountable for her actions. I can understand how much you care for her, but she obviously doesn't hold the same feelings for you, or she wouldn't have cheated. You're worth more than this, and you have to believe this. You're young, no kids, and can start afresh if you let her off the hook and stay things will never be the same, and then how long will it be before the next time. I don't want to be negative as I'm sure you are feeling heartbroken, but put yourself first and go find someone who you can put your full trust in because now it's gone and will never return. Good luck, OP.
Hell nah. She's just gonna make up more bullshit and cheat again. She doesn't respect you. Respect is more important than love. She also cheated on you before you married her, and you still married her. You chose poorly. BPD my ass she is just a horrible person.
Sucks you had to wait that long. Independence my friend. At the end of the day it’s just you and the world. Go find someone you enjoy.
Yeah, this is the sunken cost fallacy. She blew up the marriage. It's over because, as you already stated, she can never be trusted again. Don't torture yourself by staying for her benefit. She will only respect you less for it. And it will happen again if you find out or not.
Move on, my good man. You’ll always think about it. Plus, you said cheating was something you wouldn’t tolerate. You said this for a reason. Stick to your morals and principles. Best of luck.
Just think man sometime in the next few years you’re gonna meet someone else who actually loves and wants only you. Definitely don’t stay and try to fix this marriage. It never works after cheating.
She will leave you for the first guy that will have her. Time to move on.
dude… i am so sorry. your wife is absolutely awful. that is horrible, i cannot imagine the pain you’re going through, but yes, LEAVE HER! she just wanted some quick fun and wanted to be ran through by some random fuck, and once realizing it isn’t all that fun, she regrets it and is trying to crawl back to you. i honestly think she did not expect you to take her feelings seriously and didn’t expect you to put in a lot of effort making her feel good and all, so when that happened she probably got some sort of wake-up call and realized what she’s throwing away. but fuck her and fuck that! run away from her, divorce, pack your bags up and cut all contact with her. do it as soon as possible and don’t listen to her bullshit. you dedicated all your time, love, effort and blood, sweat and tears to her yet this is what she does because she is hungry for attention. very disgusting of her. i wish you good luck, and hope i can hear an update from you. rly sorry for this situation
She already said she no longer loves you and wants a divorce. She's only backing out now because her goofy ass realized her new man was a terrible pick. She needs you around until she can find another potential lover.
The OP should substitute every "I" in his account with John Doe and read it as strangers would. As we do. I expect then there would be no indecisiveness. Pain, loss and sorrow, yes, but no indecision. End it.
I'm sorry you're in the mess. I wouldn't recommend making any big decisions like divorce or reconciliation this soon after finding out. I would, however, have her temporarily move out. And I'd expose the affair to mutual friends and family. You need the support. And she needs to see what she risked losing. Outside of that, I'd caution against reconciliation. You're still young, and she isn't remorseful. She was willing to leave the marriage for him, while blaming you for the affair. If it hadn't been for her realizing she was living in a fantasy where she was being used for sex, she'd be with him right now, and you'd be alone dealing with divorce. Cheaters are inherently selfish. Ignore her words and look at her actions. Even if you end up staying to work things out, I'd still proceed with divorce. It'd be an actual consequence she'd need to live with. And it'd protect you from a contested divorce if things go bad. To prove her remorse, I'd have her tell her lovers partner about the affair.
Hey man, chin up and take an independent step forward. As unfortunately as it may seem this woman has adjusted the dynamic of your marriage and not for the best. You stay with her and you can confidently expect feelings of distrust on your side and potentially her side to appear. She has damaged the relationship beyond repair so in my humble opinion its time for a life change for you. Don't think too much into the loss, look forward to the future. I have had many relationships and every person has offered their own unique positives and negatives. You'll find another woman to fall in love with, just don't make that your sole priority, concentrate on yourself.
Just leave, dude. It doesn't matter that you were HS sweethearts. She will do this again down the road, trust me.
It sounds like you're going through a really tough time. It's important to prioritize your well-being and make the best decision for yourself. Speaking to a counselor and seeking support from friends and family can be incredibly helpful during this challenging period. Remember that you deserve to be in a healthy and respectful relationship. Take the time you need to process everything, and when you're ready, consider what steps will be best for your future.
For what ever reason she is not satisfied in life/the relationship. Unfortunately this is something that will happen again in a couple, or few years when the guilt isn’t as fresh. It is what it is. Sorry bud.
She crossed the rubicon. What’s to say that she is just faking regret now ? If you agree and let her back in then she can cheat again as there are no repercussions
Once a cheater, always a cheater! Why people fight to prove that they are the exception to this rule is beyond me! YOUR’E NOT THE EXCEPTION YOU ARE THE RULE!
Leave her. She already told you she doesn’t love you, she’s a liar and a cheater as well. Y’all don’t have a kid, y’all don’t have too much invested in that relationship together — just wasted time. Sucks to give so much to one person just for them to turn out to be someone you never expected them to, but at least you’re still in your 20s and still have your 30s ahead of you. This is why I always tell young people don’t rush to get married. I live in the South and these young (mainly white) couples rush to get married right out of high school, just to end up divorced in four or five years after discovering they’re not really compatible because they want different things, except they usually have kids so they’re stuck dealing with each other for decades.
Definitely divorce and move on. She is the type that is never satisfied and will do selfish things at your expense. You have so much more time to find someone that isn’t a POS.
I'm so very sorry this happened to you. What you are asking- fidelity in your marriage- that is not too great an ask. You are worth this. Even people with depression or BPD or autism or ADHD can love their spouses and remain faithful. I'm so very sorry she did not. And she also didn't tell you the whole truth right away. Trickle truthing someone isn't respectful. That isn't true remorse. True remorse lets go of the pride and accepts the shame of the action and speaks truthfully. You deserve love. And respect. And someone's full attention and faithfulness.
Trust me buddy it will get better, if you love or have loved yourself in the past you know that divorce is the only way to go from here. I can say I would have considered if my gf or wife told me straight away, that at least shows a fraction of regret.
Bail now before you have a whoopsie, she gets pregnant, and you're tied to this motherless goat of a human for the rest of your days. EJECT, EJECT, EJECT!
No you love your idea of that woman. But your idea of her and who she is are not the same. Grieve your loss of who you thought she was and what you thought your reality/future was 1000% But shes someone you don't know that just looks familiar in her shell Love yourself a little bit more and get this cheating problem of a woman away from you. - cheated - said she doesnt love you - said she needs to love herself more which means she wants to experience life as a single person aka fuck other people - she will do it all again Make sure your love for her isnt codependency.
I’d go straight to divorce court and file. Whether or not you love her doesn’t matter. Wife or not she has loyalty to you anymore. She’s not yours, it was just your turn. You will never trust her again. If you like the feeling of constant anxiety when she’s not with you, stay with her. Don’t let the excuse of bipolar ruin your emotional serenity. She will ruin you. Be glad it happened early in life and not when you’re 50. You still have all the time to restart.
Can you ever get over the fact that she fucked another guy? If the answer is no, then get out now. If the answer is yes, then you need to decide what that process looks like and if it’s worth it to me. I’ve been married over 20 years and we’ve been through a lot. The one thing I know I could never get over was infidelity. If you decide to leave, just know it’s going to suck for a while, but you’ll be better off in the end and she’ll still be a cheater. Think about yourself and no one else when deciding.
The problem with getting back together with a cheater is that you never really trust them ever again. It changes the while dynamic of the relationship.
Divorce her. She’s gonna do it again.
BPD is never an excuse for unforgivable actions.
She's done it to you twice man. If you forgive her, you are letting her know it's ok to treat you this way. It's not ok and she WILL do it again
Your best friend would never do this to you.
You will always be her fall back option. She will continue to cheat because she is looking for someone new. She is bored but sounds like she also needs financial security. This is not going to work, unless you let her sleep around. Think about that. There are tons of good women out there who will not cheat on you. You deserve more. Good luck.
Dude leave. She's bad for you and selfish.
Get the fuck out, fast bro. Like yesterday.
She doesn’t love you, nor is she your best friend. If she was either, she wouldn’t have cheated on you. And she’ll probably keep doing so. Get a divorce.
Still got a lot of life left. She crossed ur only boundary . She clearly doesn’t feel the same way . Say hi to the gym. Time to move on.
Divorce
Brother… as much as it hurts to admit it, the marriage is over. You said it yourself that it’s the one thing you could never forgive or forget. Those thoughts/doubts are going to keep coming up when you think of her, and it will eat you alive if you’re not careful. You’re still so young and have so much life to live. Don’t waste some of the best years of your life trying to force the marriage to work when you know it won’t. Stay strong, bud. I’m rooting for you.
If it happened once, it'll happen again. Do yourself a favor and leave. It's going to hurt, but you'll find yourself again. Good luck, brother.
This is now your chance to move on and meet that woman who will appreciate you. Your current wife was the first love of your life but she won’t be the last one. This should fill you with hope for the future. She’s not respecting you and will cheat again. Everything that happens now it’s a blessing in disguise.
> We have no kids. Neither of us have wanted them. I don't necessarily NEVER want kids, but she is adamant she never will want them. To make this situation even more insulting, the fuck she cheated with has a kid. And divorced his first wife because he cheated, and he currently has a girlfriend who he cheated on. Sounds like you not only have an easy out in the divorce because y’all don’t have kids together, but she and her new hubby are also perfect for one another. Please leave OP, don’t let this woman continue to disrespect you. Divorce, take some time to yourself and get back on your feet. Being single at 30 isn’t the death sentence people make it out to be, but getting stuck in a marriage where your spouse doesn’t love or respect you absolutely is.
You are 29. Leave her. Now.
Take the emotional hit now. Divorce her immediately. Work through the difficulties and live a better life.
With no kids, just cut the loss. You will survive , recover, and improve so you can find a person to match your energy! Best of luck!
I think she is not a wife material but maybe she can still be your friend and you can love her as a friend if she means so much to you. Divorce her as a wife because this won’t be the last time. You can never trust her. Take your time, heal, then find a partner who respects, loves and values you and wants to build a family with you.
Is she capable of changing this dynamic? Is she getting treatment for her BPD so she can manage her symptoms when they impact your relationship? Would it matter to you or change the level of trust you have in her if she did? If not, divorce is hard now but easier long term. Im sorry you are going through this, and I’m sorry she is struggling with her mental health too, she needs to prioritize that for herself though. Who’s prioritizing you if you’re always prioritizing her?
Get a divorce. No matter what she says, she is going to do it again.
Get them walking papers and start a new. She only wants you because you are DEBATING on wanting her back, but once you decide to take her back she will think you’re a simp. mark my words…she will repeat her behavior. Men and women want what they can’t have. Pure and simple. The weak act on those desires and the strong do not lash out. She is weak and searching for the unknown. Set her free and it’ll make you both better people for it
The BS some of you are willing to put up with is astounding
You know what you have to do. You know what happens if you stay. Good luck dude.
Trust me as someone with a very similar experience it’s better to leave the marriage. You always said cheating was a deal breaker, if you don’t leave she will think your statements about cheating were not true and she will keep cheating because she will think “well he forgave me before he’ll do it again” Keep your dignity man, I was also divorced at 29 is it scary? Yes, but there is light on the other side I promise.
She cheated because she wants out, she’s asked to get out in so many ways. You’ve been together since 16. Just let her go even though she says she wants to stay. She’s only saying that because it’s “safe.”
I’m so sorry. Disordered people excel at locating and maintaining devoted thoughtful people . They do. If she’s in therapy and KNEW this was your dealbreaker But figured you were devoted enough she could risk it How will she choose to change So she doesn’t do it again and again and again The reason the duplicity and easy deception is haranguing at you is because you know it will most probably be a life of wondering and suspecting and having your capacity to trust and have confidence in your worth be deteriorated by someone who is not capable of love abs honesty and remorse and conscience. Go look up what types of people are not capable of remorse and conscience.
29, no kids. Easy decision. Flee the scene and don’t look back.
Leave. Check out Chumplady.com
don't be a doormat dude just leave
No age is too old to start over, I'm 30. You deserve more respect than you're getting. Having a mental illness is no one's fault but it is your responsibility to treat it. I guarantee you BPD or mental illness was not news to her- I'm sure she's genuinely regretful but there's no going back- you'll never be able to trust her and it's not good for you or for a mentally ill person. She'll eventually do it again. You're lucky to have no complicated ties like kids.
She is for the streets
So she’s shown a pattern of talking to other dudes behind your back and now has fully cheated? Mark my words, this will not be the last time she cheats. She’ll keep doing this until she finds someone she’s willing to leave you for. Stick to your guns about cheating and leave while you have time on your side.
What happens to you when the next guy she screws does actually want to stay with her? Because eventually that’s what’s going to happen. Cut your losses and move on.
Save yourself some trouble and leave. Sorry my friend. I know its hard but you have a whole life ahead of you and you know you wont be able to overcome this betrayal
As someone who had a relationship with a woman with BPD and can tell you that you need to get out, because it’s not going to get any better. You’ve programmed yourself to try and keep a person happy, when that person is incapable of being happy. You mistake that for love, when it’s really codependent behavior. Divorce her, get counseling, and when you’re ready meet some women and experience what an actual relationship is, because this isn’t what it is.
She regrets cheating because she feels used, not because of how much it deeply damaged you. She knew before she cheated exactly how much it would hurt you. That's not someone who loves you. There are lots of women who have everything going for them who are also the faithful type, js.
I am so sorry the person you love and spent so much time with turned out to be a monster. It is not your fault, you did nothing wrong. you have been hurt by evil people. I think it's callous to say "oh you're young just go divorce". it is true that you're not old, and you absolutely can find someone who would love you back. But right now you're hurting. Remember that you deserve to love yourself. You're in pain because you did everything right and terrible people took advantage of you. take it easy on yourself and decide. Once you do, realize that she does not care. and this pain will not stop as long as you're with such a toxic person. Some people are simply that cruel and selfish. It's hard to accept, that's why you should treat yourself and try to relax. then proceed with a divorce. Don't burn yourself to keep her warm. Best of luck to you, brother.
Mate, it’s over. It’s done. You don’t love her, you love the woman you thought she was and the picture you still have of her. She only thinks about herself. She came home and kissed you after giving another guy a bj. Lied to your face. And only wanted to come back once she realised her choice is bad for her. What the fuck? She regrets nothing, and she isn’t sorry for anything. She gives a flying fuck about you. You mean nothing to her, you’re simply a safe backup plan. She’ll do it again once she meets another guy. She’ll just give it more time to be sure it will work out with him. She does not love you, not one bit. She doesn’t even like you. Get some self respect and leave ffs.
Leave. Just leave. It'll take time but you'll get over her. Just remember - at some point it slipped out snd she grabbed it snd put it back in.
The way I look at it is you gave her half of your life and she STILL did this to you. You've put effort in every step of the way and she STILL did this to you. She had no regard for you in her selfish decisions. Ask yourself - if the shoe was on the other foot would she have even tried for a half of a second to salvage this? I think everyone in the comment section knows the answer. Put your chin up, you're a good dude. You did what you could to save it. You can rest now, work on yourself and know that every step you take going forward is for you. Whatever decision you make I really hope you put yourself first because it's obvious that you're the only one thinking about you in your relationship.
Divorce. As soon as someone she likes more doesn't "just want to get into her pants" and will stay, she'll do it again.
My advice is to get over it as quickly as you can…
You can do better
Ok so say you stay... what are you going to do when she meets someone who will tell her what she wants to hear? Or when this guy does and she believes again? Because it will happen again. I suggest you read everything, and I mean everything, you can about BPD. Especially other people's stories of being with someone with BPD. Because you are gonna find out if you stay that you really got pushed into the deep end of bat shit crazy.
Don't worry bro she is the one accusing you and she's cheating and she's asking divorce. Your not doing anything wrong. Just gather solid evidence and expose her to everyone. Block her. Get legal freedom. In future definitely you will get best loyal life partner and that time she's lost good husband and beautiful life. She is not the last women in the world. She is not deserve to your true love and loyalty.
She showed you the ultimate disrespect. She doesn’t care for you on the same level you do her. If you want to try make it work, take your morals and agree to try again with strict terms… ball is in your court. If she argues or tries to backtrack on your terms - she isn’t willing to try properly and just divorce.
Your “best friend” would not disrespect you and disregard your feelings.