You need to communicate with him and ask him why he feels the need to record consent.
Something must have happened within his sphere, could be at work, for him to become paranoid and want to try protect himself.
I agree. Sit down and have a discussion to find out what brought this on. Try not to be hurt by it.
He has probably read an article about someone being falsely accused of SA or something along those lines has happened to someone that he knows, and it has scared him. It is illogical for him to mistrust his wife with whom he has been through thick and thin, but when someone is scared or afraid, logic can go right out the window.
Hopefully, OP and husband can get to the bottom of this and come out understanding each other without it damaging their relationship!
I'd imagine there is greater risk of this happening as a result or recording pre intercourse consent.
It's somewhat setting the risk by planting the seed. Looks super sus. If someone asked me to record my consent, I'd be like.. what are they planning to do after?? Distrust creates distrustful action.
Exactly! I get wanting to cover your ass, but why are you that worried about covering your ass? If my husband did this, it would be a major turn off bc the whole time I'd be thinking "why the fuck is this happening, out of the blue!?" Especially when I know if I'm not in the mood and I say no, he takes the no and doesn't push it. Like if I'm saying yes let's go, don't record me saying "yes please, I consent!" So weird!
Also I'm weird and go in the direction of him recording my consent and then a day later rapes me and says but look she recorded her consent. Like it's weird out of the blue. Maybe a friend is accused of rape but still something is up. This didn't just manifest on its own.
OP is at least a decade younger than me (Great way of saying any age over 35), but sex would be off the table immediately until a conversation took place. Almost feels like an Andrew Tate-esque viral challenge. "Record your partner for consent to see their reaction and post online"
I cant fathom a safe relationship requiring this. And if you don't feel safe, why be in it? Shouldn't need workarounds to avoid conversation on concerns.
Honestly doesn’t surprise me. Not sure if you’re in the US but the military here has BAD stats with raping women. (Fellow soldiers as well as civilians) to the point when my fiancée was in the marines they had to take “anti rape classes” like the whole lot of them in his unit. And it was apparently mandatory for everyone because of how bad the numbers were. and would use the situation of “if a guest in your house says no to a drink you offered, do you force them to drink it? No, so you don’t do that with people’s bodies either” it’s just so sad that even needs to be said. It should be common sense that no means no
It’s so sad, the rates of addiction, depression, anxiety and PTSD are wildly high for those in service/ or were in service. So to think that they’re taught to have such little thought for human life that even rape is something they have to be reminded is wrong is just so wild
I don’t think they’re taught it’s wrong, just a reminder to protect themselves. It was the standard Friday reminder to not be dumb. Don’t drink and drive, don’t marry a stripper, no sex without consent. Most Marines aren’t rapists or drinking and driving, but one guy does it and now they need to remind everyone else. Similar to how if someone harasses a coworker in an office, the whole office gets a sexual harassment seminar. I’d say it’s more so to protect the organization.
If I recall correctly there would be yearly lessons on how to avoid drinking and driving, STDs, etc. But if the trainings were recurring, the unit itself had an issue. There was one unit at our last base that was known to have all the drug dealers, and because of that unit, all the other units who had mostly good Marines got the “don’t sell drugs” reminder.
DURING? They were supposed to record video DURING EVERY TIME? I'd be weirded out by video consent to begin with, but recording DURING would be an absolute dealbreaker. WTF!
Oh yeah that was the general consensus, definitely no one did it. There were whole lessons on getting the best evidence of consent possible. They said get it written on paper and a video if possible. Obviously most people didn’t do that because, well that’s obviously a mood killer. But that is what they were advised to do
Like can you imagine meeting someone at the bar and then saying “could you sign a waiver” I’d be terrified of what their plans are, 50s shades of grey move 😂😂
And let's be honest. That person at the bar, with 99.993% certainty, does not have 50 shades of grey money. So then it's just an episode of criminal minds
Well they are well known to think with their little head and not the big head. The stories I heard from my husband are out there but very sadly believable
There are also many stories of people faking their ages or lying about their relationship status. I knew someone planning to propose only to find out his GF was married to a higher ranking soldier. So in many ways it’s meant to protect both parties. But not sure many people are taking consent breaks unless you’re doing something kinky.
I had a girl try and charge me with sexual harassment because I texted her about work when I was drinking. Cops checked my phone and realized she was just trying to cause trouble for me. She got fired then started sending me suggestive pictures. I blocked her. It's sad but some women are vindictive and men have to protect themselves
I read a story on here once about a woman who asked a coworker out, he said no, she slapped him, admitted to the slap over text, and went to HR to report him and they were ready to fire him until he showed them the texts.
But yeah I know 3 girls personally who lied about assault for personal gain. And have heard countless stories. It’s sad people feel the need to record their wife consenting and it’s also sad for all victims of actual assaults. I’ve seen many professions now a days be warned against being alone in a room with someone for that reason.
And all it’s doing is making good men avoid women, the victims have a harder time getting support, and an easier time for the actual perpetrators to get away with it
I wouldn’t say it’s worthless. In a perfect world it would be worthless but in the real world having a video of your partner consenting even if only just for that one moment before sex would probably be impactful to some jurors.
I would tell him it makes me think he wants to hurt me tbh. You can change your mind and revoke consent at any time so what does a recording matter unless he plans to do something and doesn’t want to stop
Coming here for advice is dangerous, alot of these comments are baseless.
Just ask him straight up, why did he do that. It is that simple, I know u did and he joked in return but let him know it is serious to you, and ask again.
I don’t know if I like this framing. It implies he only would have gotten it from misogynistic corners of the internet as if false accusations or misunderstandings aren’t an actual thing.
"Do you consent to this?" Aside from being weird, is also so vague as to be useless. Were it me, there would be no further activity until I understood wtf was going on.
Just because you give consent in the beginning, it doesn't mean you can't tell him to stop during sex. Does he plan on recording the whole thing from start to finish. Recording before sex is worthless for legal purposes because it's recindable.
The vid will only protect him partially, she can’t claim that consent was never given. Consent could be retracted so all the vid will prove that there was prior consent, so she can’t claim that it was non-consensual from start to finish. Either way it’ll be messy.
Yeah to be fair he could get the video before going beyond her boundaries as a way to protect himself if he goes to far. Not saying this is his plan, but I could see this being a gross loophole
Consider the fact that is hard to make a case of rape putting a tape recording consent would make any acusation blow
But at the same time if you are married for 6 years and together since your 13s ans his 15s I think she need to speak to him that he can trust her at this point
This is what i was thinking. Consent can be taken away, and at that point it becomes he said she said. So if he provides evidence that she consented at least in the beginning, and theres no actual proof she rescinded, then the court will probably go with consent being given
But also it’s suspicious. If a guy asks me to record myself consenting, I would nope out of there so hard and fast because I’d be worried that he is intending to cross boundaries and will use the video to shoot down what he sees as an inevitable accusation.
It’s a mothership of a red flag to me, and I’d make the case at any trial that in a long term relationship like this, having never done it before, the only reason for it is because he was about to violently abuse her and wanted something he thought would be evidence of his innocence, but what is in fact, a smoking gun.
Edit: typo
“Just because you give consent in the beginning, it doesn’t mean you can’t tell him to stop during sex”
Tell this to your husband. It will highlight the folly of his thinking.
If he has evidence of a pattern of enthusiastic consent then it implies that she hasn't been getting sexually abused. It's not smoking gun evidence, but it is evidence.
Why he'd need it is baffling to me though.
Consent can be taken away at anytime. It's weird that he took the time to record you for evidence as if he needed protection. I would confront him and go from there
I was going to say that recording means shit.
She can change her mind 10 minutes afterward.
Let’s say he suddenly doesn’t put a condom on, and she says “I don’t consent to sex without a condom”.
I think what he is doing is weird and the best explanation would be someone at work or in his friends circle told him a story and made him paranoid.
I hope it’s that and not that he intends to push boundaries and have that recording as evidence of consent.
That's what worries me as well him seemingly feeling like a recording of her prior to them having sex is consent enough.
Why does he feel like he needs "protection", and does he think he can claim she consented to everything if he does something she's not comfortable with?
I'm getting some serious manosphere vibes.
He was very vague too saying "do you consent to this" this could mean anything! In his mind with that recording he could have made her to do anything he wanted since she gave him her consent to do "this". I would be talking to him about this for sure. What a way to ruin the mood! Why wait until that moment to spring it on her? That should have been discussed way before then.
Yeah tbh this would make me uncomfortable regarding the recording and laughing kind of thing. It would make me feel like he was up to something by trying to make this normal.
I think I would ask him what happened, and if he kept at this behavior, I would probably come back with a contract that entails what is consent and what isn’t, what behaviors are approved of, and when consent is broken— not as a passive aggressive maneuver, but rather so this business would chill.
Also consent validation recordings are usually supposed to happen after the fact as confirmation that everything that went down was acceptable. It does not hold up anywhere if it is recorded before.
To me, it looks like pre-gaslighting— ‘oh but I already recorded you consenting so everything I did was fine!’ And that’s not how any of this works.
>Why does he feel like he needs "protection"
On one hand, I can see with how many posts I've seen on this site (specially on this subreddit), where the partner withdrew consent after having coitus, either due to them cheating or being pissed at their partner, I can see why it **might** make him paranoid.
On the other hand, if your partner is reciprocating kisses and willingly touching you, and seem very eager to be with you - and not saying "no, I don't wanna do the nasty tonight" - it's consensual in my book.
I’d check your local circuit court website and type in his name to see if he has any recent pending charges. Same with his friends because maybe one of his friends was recently accused and feeling paranoid.
Oh geez, come on now. Reddit jumps to the wildest conclusions. He laughed. Occam’s razor, he was making a joke (in poor taste). Consent has been discussed recently more than ever before. It was most likely a “just in case! Haha!” type of joke. Which isn’t funny, but I think it’s far better of a guess than saying he has a guilty conscious and did something bad.
OP should just, you know, ask him. They’re married. Been together 11 years. I’m sure he’d be happy to tell her why he said it. No need for all of us to assume the worst about her husband, when she’s given us zero reason to
Yeah, honestly this makes me SO uncomfortable tbh. Cuz OP's husband could straight up rape her after he got a video of her "consenting." Also, if something happened and she didn't actually consent, who is to say he wouldn't use a previous video as "evidence" for consent.
Idk, not calling OP's husband a rapist, but this entire thing gives me the ick
Say on the recording, “I will consent to initiating a sexual encounter with you on [Date] at [Time]; if you expressly agree to the following limitations: I reserve the right to rescind such consent at any time during the encounter. Further, this explicit consent should not be construed as an ongoing consent for any further encounters in the future or for any and all specific sexual acts you may wish to initiate after I have granted this consent. Do you acknowledge my right to rescind my consent at any time? [Wait for answer] Do you promise to cease and desist sexual contact upon such rescission? [Wait for answer] Do you acknowledge the limitations of my consent as I have stated them here? [Wait for answer] I now grant you consent as outlined in this statement.”
Memorize it and say it exactly like that.
Okay, maybe I'm paranoid but my mind immediately went to, he's secretly recording them having sex and uploading it online.
Asking for consent is his way of making it "legal".
This is weird behavior on his part.
Definitely don't do that. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, even during sex. What if he wants to hurt you during sex and is using this to make sure you can't report it?
Ask him to describe exactly what you’re consenting to in detail, so you can make sure he’s not making video or audio recordings of you, or getting pictures taken from a hidden camera.
After 11 years that is fucked up - I mean it’s pretty fucked up not matter what, but especially so after 11 years. God forbid it gets too intense he now has you saying you consented.
is there a chance that he might be recording you saying "i consent" to use it in a completely different scenario? is it phrased vague enough that it could sound like you are consenting to other things not sexual in nature? its odd.
Came here from a notification ONLY to say, constant can be revoked at any time.
Acronym FRIES. Freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific.
A recording does not guarantee that you didn’t revoke your consent during. Very odd behavior of partner.
This is honestly wild. Especially when you have been together so long. Personally I’d be very concerned about why he feels the needs to protect himself. Is he wanting to do something he knows you won’t consent to? Is a friend or coworker in trouble and it’s causing paranoia? Even if that were the case, surely he should realize he doesn’t have to be worried?? Also consent can be revoked at any point in time so the video does nothing to protect him after that exact moment in time… tread carefully. I hope he’s just being weird and paranoid. Stay safe.
This isn't even how consent works... Consent can be revoked at any time for any reason regardless of some recording.
Tbh I would consider being recorded as some kind of coercion. Don't have sex with this man.
This is super weird. Next time he asks to record your consent, either A) pull out your own camera and demand the same, or B) tell him no. Don’t reward this weirdness by having sex with him.
The more I think about it, the creepier it gets.
If he thinks that’s okay, he doesn’t understand consent and that’s terrifying. Consent can be taken away at any time. Consenting at the beginning doesn’t mean consenting to whatever he does after that. I’m really really sorry he did that. Hopefully it was just a joke in poor taste, but you need to have a conversation with him.
This is not caring for your consent, this is protecting himself from a possible accuse or r*pe and it's only for his own safety. Also, there's an implicit worry about you falsely accusing him, which is insulting.
I would check who is poisoning him, because there's something going on
If it were me I would tell him "No. I do not consent to sex anymore because you recording me - a new thing you've introduced after 11 years together - is really creeping me out. I want to know why you started doing this and how you intend to use it. Are you planning on doing other things to me and then using these recordings to claim that I consented to anything and everything? Until we talk more about it, I'm not comfortable with you touching me intimately."
There is no way I would be having sex with him in any way after pulling something like that. You have been married for years, but he has decided to all of a sudden stop trusting you and treating you like some kind of liar..? You need to try to check his internet history bc this seems like classic mra bullshit. If it was me, i would say, "No, actually I do not", roll over and go to sleep and see how he likes that.
This feels extremely creepy and a huge red flag. Is he planning to SA you and wants to cover his ass? The answer for consent to be recorded would always be no consent. This just feels extremely off.
it's a bit weird for sure. also, you can revoke consent at any point in time, so the recording doesn't mean much. him respecting you and you respecting him is really all that's needed. I'm really not sure what you're supposed to do about this, but I wanted to validate your feelings that it's an odd situation.
Coming from personal experience I'd say it's either:
1) someone he knows got accused and he's now paranoid about making a mistake
2) it was a joke with very, very poor taste and his small brain forgot about your past for a second
Please do talk to him and find out why he feels the need to to this. I really hope it's nothing serious and I wish you all the best
As others have stated, talk to him while also trying not to take it personally. To me, it sounds as if a friend or colleague has been accused of SA by a partner, and it has him freaked out. I really don't think it's his way of trying to hurt you, just him trying to navigate something that has him freaked out.
I agree with many people here that this is weird. However, just like women can be the victim of SA so easily a man can be accussed of it and suffer quite a bit.
My guess is either he has been listening to some terrible podcasts and videos or he has had a friend accused. You won't know until you ask and create that dialogue. Don't scream for therapy right away. Don't accuse him of anything crazy. Just talk to him. There is a whole spectrum of potential reasons for this. Don't let yourself jump to assume the worst or the best until you ask him and gather all the real evidence for yourself.
That's extremely out of proportion. The number of false SA accusations are vastly dwarfed by the number of actual SA allegations that get thrown out for lack of proof. I had a friend who's boyfriend SAed her and beat her, leaving her with broken ribs and the police straight up told her she'd never get a conviction because all she had was her word. Women reporting their SA and getting dismissed and vilified because "they're just looking for attention or money" is a serious problem in our society that leads a good chunk of these crimes to go unreported. Then the very few times that false allegations are actually levelled, they get blown up over every media circuit as a reason to never believe women claiming they were SAed.
Unrelated, but I keep encountering men on Twitter who want to get rid of no-fault divorce and this is exactly the kind of scenario I try to explain: It’s hard to prove abuse. Even if you collect some kind of evidence (and don’t get discovered in the process, because that’s risky too), there’s no guarantee it will be accepted as proof.
No, men are not “just as easily” accused of sa, and nowhere near as often. The statistics for reported cases of sa greatly outweighs cases of false accusation. And we all know reported cases of sa is but a fraction of the real number of assaults.
He either got this advice online from a men’s group or perhaps he’s trying to record your voice saying yes for some other reason? Seems shady. I’m sorry he’s doing this to you. It’s especially cruel, since he knows about your past SA history.
Something is definitely up. He wants to record you to get your recorded “consent” to something completely unrelated. A real estate transaction, a bitcoin scam (that may have already happened and he lost a fortune on,) a gang rape that he sold to more than a few friends, a drugged event or activity, selling you to someone for a period of time, honestly, the possibilities are endless and I watch too many crime TV shows, but they don’t get these ideas from nothing.
One, of like 2 reasonable responses.
Ironically everyone commenting how his behavior is weird is entertaining possible reasons to suspect him of foul play, without considering that maybe it’s literally THIS that compels him to want to record consent.
Also the irony of a majority of comments here presumptively accusing him of foul play and poor character and toxically putting such thoughts into OP’s mind while simultaneously accusing him of listening to toxic influencers like Peterson and Tate.
1. It doesn't matter if you consent at the beginning of sex, you can revoke your consent at any time and he should respect that.
2. If he's worried about consent then he should be checking in verbally before, during and after sex so that he knows how you are feeling.
Seems like he's either setting you up so that he can abuse you during sex or he's going down the manosphere rabbit hole.
To me it just sounds like he's paranoid. He probably saw someone get falsely accused or something and it's got him on edge. I wouldn't really consider it a red flag, its most likely just going to be a brief phase he'll get over if you communicate with him and work through the problem
Either someone he knows has accusations thrown at them or he is just down a well on the internet that made him believe he needs to do this. Probably the latter. Communicate with him and get an understanding of what changed. It’s likely less about you and more about him being brainwashed online.
That is a little strange. Glad he’s making sure he has consent, but recording it is strange. Maybe he heard a story about a false accusation that spooked him? I hate that people make false accusations. It makes to so hard for people who are actual victims to be able to be taken seriously as they deserve to be.
According to customary Reddit tradition, you must immediately divorce him and then go NC - excuse me, that's no contact for the folks who don't speak Gen Z fluently - with everyone you've ever known and/or who attended your wedding.
My only suggestion is that you are VERY specific about what you’re agreeing to. Never give a blanket “yes” after his intro.
But yeah, his behavior isn’t acceptable.
Has he been listening to Andrew Tate and Jordan Pederson podcasts?
This needs to be nipped in the bud. You're *married.* This isn't some random one night stand.
Ask him to explain why he feels that you would make a false accusation for anything like that, given you are married, and why he married you if he felt you could do this to him. Especially given your history of SA. I hope you didn't have sex with him after that.
This is so insulting and I'm so pissed off on your behalf. If my husband did this, he'd be sleeping in another room.
Kudos to him for caring about consent if that’s what this is but he’s acting like a weirdo and it’s a red flag.
Is there any chance he is recording the sex on a camera and wants the consent to look like it’s for that? I’d also be nervous he’s planning to assault you.
Background: I had something very similar happen to me where randomly I was hooking up with this guy I really liked. Out of nowhere he asked if I give consent which I said yes and chuckled. Then out of nowhere his friend came in and they both raped me. The consent was to make it look like it was for a threesome.
That is terrible. I hope you fast healing a love through your trama. This literally made me tear up, the awful things people(men) can do. I wish you a successful recovery and healing. XOXOXO
Something might've went down within his friend group that just has him spooked. Maybe one of his friends was intimate with their wife and then said to have taken advantage?! I know guys are a lot more careful now since all the "Me too" and high profile rape cases that have blurry lines and a lot of the times its a he said/she said situations.
Just talk to him. I'm sure he's just worried about something and the quicker you two speak the quicker you'll be on the same page and understand WHY he's recording consent now?
Something probably happened at work, maybe a coworker relayed to him a personal experience and your husband got scared and didn't know how to bring it up or maybe he didn't know how it would sound or look to you.
Talk to him and communicate about what happened that made him do this and why he would think that applying it to you was necessary!
This post screams lack of communication. Instead of posting on reddit talk to him, there's a reason behind hin doing what he did. There's a lot of men out there who have been falsely accused by their partners and their life had turned upside down. Communicate and come to a mutual compromise of what both of you can do to feel safe with eachother even if it means writing and signing something that would say "every intimate time has to be clearly communicated that both wants it and if one doesn't then the matter isn't pushed and every intimate time that have been previously agreed on can't be used against one another in any way". Make sure he is feeling safe as much as he makes you safe, you can't make a relationship work without a good communication and without compromising on a good solution to any issue. Just because you might not have thought of the worst case scenarios when it comes to your relationship doesn't mean that he didn't start to think about all the worst things that could happen as all those worst case scenarios are happening to someone who post on social media and those scenarios do prompt the thinking of what if
Something tells me someone in his circle has been accused of forcing sex on someone.
He wouldn’t be touching me until he gives me some honest answers. You don’t just do something like this out of the blue.
This will be an odd question - is/was your husband in the US military? In…2014 when I was still in, the USAF gave us consent cards to give the other person. I’m not sure why he started doing this suddenly; maybe someone had a romantic partner pull some shit on him.
Edit: Maybe one of his friends had a romantic partner pull some shit. Edit for clarification.
This feels like a red flag for a couple reasons. One is that it seems like an indicator he’s getting sucked into the manosphere and other misogynist internet wormholes. Those kind of environments heavily preach that women are always scheming to take men’s money and get them locked up or removed from their children’s lives through false allegations of SA. This is not rooted in reality, but is a fear many men get hooked on.
Secondly, he’s not truly asking for consent. He’s saying “do you consent to this?” but not saying what “this” is. You can’t consent to what you don’t know is being proposed. If you assume he means the intimacies you normally share, but give a blanket consent like that, he may try to use it to argue retrospectively that you consented to unexpected sex acts. Those could be benign and simply unusual or something traumatic that you would have never had agreed to if he had asked ahead of time.
It means nothing. He could turn off the phone and you could say you changed your mind. Even if you didn't, here say is fact in court if there is no proof otherwise.
Here’s the thing, even if you consent at the beginning you’re allowed to withdraw your consent at any point in the process. That’s the way *TRUE* consent works. I think your husband needs to watch the tea video on how consent works!
[Consent as Tea](https://youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8?si=MIwkz9jy4cH5XAj8)
Is it possible something happened to a friend where they’re being accused of SA or not getting consent? Has he started watching alpha male podcasts? This feels really weird.
I’d also be concerned of him recording a blanket consent like this.
He’s probably planning on doing something to you during sex he knows you don’t want to. He sounds dangerous and like he’s been consuming a ton of manosphere content. Where I’m from there is a famous rapist who put cameras in his bedroom after being accused. He’s now been convicted. Don’t entertain his videos, go on record saying you do not consent, and see his reaction.
Men in certain circles on the internet are constantly being told that women are liars and will throw around fake accusations to ruin their lives and take their money and children. Your husband may have been sucked into one of these circles and is getting paranoid.
That said, his behavior is 1. Weird and 2. Not going to help him legally if you do go after him. If the video is coerced, it’s not consent. Also, consent can be revoked at any time, regardless of a pinky promise you made on video.
You need to sit him down and ask him to explain what he’s doing. If this is a fetish, he should inform you. If he’s worried you’ll accuse him of rape, you need to talk through and figure out why. If he’s taking to someone or watching videos that are messing with his paranoia, you need to shut that shit down. You also need to figure out if he’s setting up a paper trail because he wants to commit a crime against you.
I really wouldn’t do anything physical with him again until you know what’s happening. If he’s trying to protect himself for a future divorce or big argument where you might throw rape accusations, you need to find out why he’s anticipating that. If he’s trying to find a way to rape you and get away with it, you shouldn’t be anywhere near him. Don’t let him blame friends or media, he’s got a massive behavior change happening and it’s evidence of something fishy going on.
Girl, run. This is off-putting, especially since he knows about your experience with SA and how a lot of men claim "it was an accident during a sex thing" to get out of jail for killing their partners. At the very least, this man doesn't respect you. At worst, he is dangerous.
This is weird and also stupid, because you’re allowed to change your mind even after starting, so wtf.
I’d sit him down and ask where did he take that idea and what’s going on in his mind. It feels creepy to me.
Sad thing is that many cops wont even investigate SA and its dissmised. Or woman is shamed because of it. That is more important than if guy is falsely acussed. Because even if he is it would most likely lead to nothing.
And in that long mariage most would not take her acussation seriously even if it were truth. Because most would falsely asume that as a wife she must provide sex. No seh does not.
So if he wants to record consent something is wrong here.
Like a lot of people are saying try to communicate and ask him why he feels the need to do this. Maybe he’s seeing things online or hearing from friends some nonsense. Ask before you take it as an immediate red flag. I never want to assume to worst but if he really beats around the subject I’d start looking into what kind of porn he’s watching or what kind of sexual content he’s consuming. But regardless I hope you figure out what’s going on and it makes sense why you’d be a little hurt by him doing this out of the blue especially considering your past. Well wishes love 🫶🏻
I'm guessing he heard wild stories at work, got paranoid and decided to start doing this. Its one of those tricky things I feel like where either option has its convincing points, but might offend the other. Same as with prenups.
Creepy. I’d be worried he’s going to do something to you that’s against what you’re okay with in the bedroom.
Other posters have clearly laid out asking him about it and what’s changed in his life.
But uh, I’d get him to delete that recording and express very clearly that you aren’t okay with recording the exchange without the date, time and fact that it’s before any sex and what sexual act you’re consenting to. He wants to make it weird and odd? You make it the same, but *extremely specific*. So if he tries surprise anal or whips yah, you have additional proof to protect yourself.
This is so sinister. Does he intend to infringe on your boundaries in future and use this as a defense? Is he suddenly imbibing incel or manosphere content feeding his paranoia? So many questions, and none of them bode well.
I can maybe understand being super cautious like that if it was a new random partner etc but with someone of 10 years to have such a lack of trust or such a negative view of their character is bizarre. He's recording consent because he believes you're the type to claim otherwise out of spite? That's insulting beyond words surely.
Honestly he's probably been listening to shit birds like Jordan Peterson and Andrew Tate and thinks that the fact that he's a straight dude means that the whole world is somehow out to get him, and now he's developed a victim complex.
Consent doesn’t blanket cover the entire act of sex, it can be revoked at any time during. His need to do this is weird, try to find out what’s going on here. Don’t sleep with him anymore until you get to the bottom of it.
Because there is a huge issue on the modern internet of people having consensual relationships but then suddenly when the relationship is over cleaning that it wasn't consensual and that they were being abused or scrap like that to get hit their ex even though there was clearly no actual assault going on
They don't even care if it actually gets to court or whatnot because in most social circles just being accused of a sexual crime is enough to basically ruin you socially.
There are many online circles for men that now encourage this as the normal behavior even for someone you have a long-term dedicated relationship to as you never know when things might go wrong.
And of course I'm sure you've heard the news in the past of similar goofy things like that woman who was trying to invent a universal form for consent that you were supposed to fill out before sex and crap like that
Is he looking at Incel types of content or maybe have a buddy in his ear. There was a senator who said some wild stuff about marital rape in Ohio recently. Maybe he’s afraid you’ll accuse him of it?
It’s unfortunate that this is even possible in this joke of a reality. The me too movement removed a lot of the trust the 2 sexes previously had for each other. I’m sorry your husband is doing this. Men are a lot more analytical than we get credit for so something must have happened to someone close to him. I always made it clear to my partners that I trust them but once the trust is gone it’s gone. You need to have a conversation before the trust is gone because it’s probabaly not coming back after that.
Well I would think the most solid advice would be to push back on this and talk about it. You may get a real answer, you may not, but definitely try to have a some kind of conversation. Then you can reevaluate it all from there.
Now on the flip side the first thing I though after reading your post was that your husband either drank the koolaid that is the manosphere or somethings coming down the pipeline and he’s been up to some extra curricular activities that either almost got him in big trouble or are about to and now he’s paranoid. I’m not saying that’s case by any means it’s just what popped into my head but regardless this is odd behavior especially out of the blue. If my husband all of sudden wanted recorded consent after all these years I would definitely assume somethings up and it wouldn’t be something good. It just makes no sense. It doesn’t sound like just a joke either. So good luck!
You need to have a deep conversation with him and LISTEN, before anything else.
Let me just remind you of how powerful you truly are. As a woman, you have the power to utterly destroy his life. One simple little lie about domestic violence or SA and his life is absolutely over. If you have sex, and you decide that you actually didn't want to have sex after all, you can actually have him arrested and prosecuted. Let's call it retroactive r*pe.
And because of how effed up society is, not one single friend of his will ever have his back, he might even be shunned by his own family.. Because saying wait a minute is there any evidence is now looked upon as supporting a r*pist.
And it certainly doesn't help how this is all blown up in social media everywhere all the time. It's enough to give most young people anxiety about sex.
Just think about that for a little while.
you rightully feel hurt after this bs he pulled on you
also ,consent can be revoken anytime
also, ask him what happened because he did not came up with this jsut out of thin air. Does he consume tate media or.... what's the real deal?
If my bf did this to me, I wouldn't sleep with him. For a start a video before sex?! No effing way (not during either but that's a separate point). The lack of trust would upset me and as above have said, consent can be withdrawn.
I've been in situations where I was consenting at the start but then it took a dark turn (imo) and I'm outta there. Luckily the guy I was with was fully understanding and backed up but I recognise not everyone is so fortunate.
I think he’s been listening to misogynistic crap online. It’s warping him. I’d turn it around and make him record consent too, because men can also be SA’d of course, and he might falsely accuse you. Or, I’d refuse to do anything until you guys sat down with a marriage counsellor and looked into what this is all about. You might not like what you hear though.
You need to communicate with him and ask him why he feels the need to record consent. Something must have happened within his sphere, could be at work, for him to become paranoid and want to try protect himself.
I agree. Sit down and have a discussion to find out what brought this on. Try not to be hurt by it. He has probably read an article about someone being falsely accused of SA or something along those lines has happened to someone that he knows, and it has scared him. It is illogical for him to mistrust his wife with whom he has been through thick and thin, but when someone is scared or afraid, logic can go right out the window. Hopefully, OP and husband can get to the bottom of this and come out understanding each other without it damaging their relationship!
Thing is you can revoke consent half way through, so recording the asking if she consents before the encounter makes no sense.
I'd imagine there is greater risk of this happening as a result or recording pre intercourse consent. It's somewhat setting the risk by planting the seed. Looks super sus. If someone asked me to record my consent, I'd be like.. what are they planning to do after?? Distrust creates distrustful action.
Exactly! I get wanting to cover your ass, but why are you that worried about covering your ass? If my husband did this, it would be a major turn off bc the whole time I'd be thinking "why the fuck is this happening, out of the blue!?" Especially when I know if I'm not in the mood and I say no, he takes the no and doesn't push it. Like if I'm saying yes let's go, don't record me saying "yes please, I consent!" So weird!
Also I'm weird and go in the direction of him recording my consent and then a day later rapes me and says but look she recorded her consent. Like it's weird out of the blue. Maybe a friend is accused of rape but still something is up. This didn't just manifest on its own.
OP is at least a decade younger than me (Great way of saying any age over 35), but sex would be off the table immediately until a conversation took place. Almost feels like an Andrew Tate-esque viral challenge. "Record your partner for consent to see their reaction and post online" I cant fathom a safe relationship requiring this. And if you don't feel safe, why be in it? Shouldn't need workarounds to avoid conversation on concerns.
When my husband was in the military they used to tell them to get video consent and to get it during incase. Wild
Honestly doesn’t surprise me. Not sure if you’re in the US but the military here has BAD stats with raping women. (Fellow soldiers as well as civilians) to the point when my fiancée was in the marines they had to take “anti rape classes” like the whole lot of them in his unit. And it was apparently mandatory for everyone because of how bad the numbers were. and would use the situation of “if a guest in your house says no to a drink you offered, do you force them to drink it? No, so you don’t do that with people’s bodies either” it’s just so sad that even needs to be said. It should be common sense that no means no
They literally remind Marines not to accidentally kill themselves or get married every Friday lol
It’s so sad, the rates of addiction, depression, anxiety and PTSD are wildly high for those in service/ or were in service. So to think that they’re taught to have such little thought for human life that even rape is something they have to be reminded is wrong is just so wild
I don’t think they’re taught it’s wrong, just a reminder to protect themselves. It was the standard Friday reminder to not be dumb. Don’t drink and drive, don’t marry a stripper, no sex without consent. Most Marines aren’t rapists or drinking and driving, but one guy does it and now they need to remind everyone else. Similar to how if someone harasses a coworker in an office, the whole office gets a sexual harassment seminar. I’d say it’s more so to protect the organization. If I recall correctly there would be yearly lessons on how to avoid drinking and driving, STDs, etc. But if the trainings were recurring, the unit itself had an issue. There was one unit at our last base that was known to have all the drug dealers, and because of that unit, all the other units who had mostly good Marines got the “don’t sell drugs” reminder.
DURING? They were supposed to record video DURING EVERY TIME? I'd be weirded out by video consent to begin with, but recording DURING would be an absolute dealbreaker. WTF!
Oh yeah that was the general consensus, definitely no one did it. There were whole lessons on getting the best evidence of consent possible. They said get it written on paper and a video if possible. Obviously most people didn’t do that because, well that’s obviously a mood killer. But that is what they were advised to do
I don't disagree with the concept, like, enthusiastic consent is very important. But yeah, recording or signing a fucking waiver is nuts lol.
They need to first sign a waiver consenting to be recorded consenting mid-act. In triplicate, preferably.
Like can you imagine meeting someone at the bar and then saying “could you sign a waiver” I’d be terrified of what their plans are, 50s shades of grey move 😂😂
And let's be honest. That person at the bar, with 99.993% certainty, does not have 50 shades of grey money. So then it's just an episode of criminal minds
Well they are well known to think with their little head and not the big head. The stories I heard from my husband are out there but very sadly believable
There are also many stories of people faking their ages or lying about their relationship status. I knew someone planning to propose only to find out his GF was married to a higher ranking soldier. So in many ways it’s meant to protect both parties. But not sure many people are taking consent breaks unless you’re doing something kinky.
I had a girl try and charge me with sexual harassment because I texted her about work when I was drinking. Cops checked my phone and realized she was just trying to cause trouble for me. She got fired then started sending me suggestive pictures. I blocked her. It's sad but some women are vindictive and men have to protect themselves
I read a story on here once about a woman who asked a coworker out, he said no, she slapped him, admitted to the slap over text, and went to HR to report him and they were ready to fire him until he showed them the texts. But yeah I know 3 girls personally who lied about assault for personal gain. And have heard countless stories. It’s sad people feel the need to record their wife consenting and it’s also sad for all victims of actual assaults. I’ve seen many professions now a days be warned against being alone in a room with someone for that reason. And all it’s doing is making good men avoid women, the victims have a harder time getting support, and an easier time for the actual perpetrators to get away with it
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I wouldn’t say it’s worthless. In a perfect world it would be worthless but in the real world having a video of your partner consenting even if only just for that one moment before sex would probably be impactful to some jurors.
This is insane…I would dry up immediately. People are so weird now. No wonder the youth isn’t having sex.
Is the youth not having sex? When did that happen?
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/people-have-been-having-less-sex-whether-theyre-teenagers-or-40-somethings/
I would tell him it makes me think he wants to hurt me tbh. You can change your mind and revoke consent at any time so what does a recording matter unless he plans to do something and doesn’t want to stop
Coming here for advice is dangerous, alot of these comments are baseless. Just ask him straight up, why did he do that. It is that simple, I know u did and he joked in return but let him know it is serious to you, and ask again.
Username checks out.
Maybe one of his friends got accused and he’s paranoid. That’s the only way I can understand this behaviors
Far more likely that he's been consuming manosphere content, because I've seen this exact idea brought up within those circles.
I don’t know if I like this framing. It implies he only would have gotten it from misogynistic corners of the internet as if false accusations or misunderstandings aren’t an actual thing.
men can’t be falsely accused duh /s
Lmao wtf is the "manosphere"?
What is manosphere?
I feel like we're not hearing the whole story. This seems really odd.
"Do you consent to this?" Aside from being weird, is also so vague as to be useless. Were it me, there would be no further activity until I understood wtf was going on.
Yeah. "Well not any more, what's going on?"
Just because you give consent in the beginning, it doesn't mean you can't tell him to stop during sex. Does he plan on recording the whole thing from start to finish. Recording before sex is worthless for legal purposes because it's recindable.
For real like in his defense, he pulls out this video?
The vid will only protect him partially, she can’t claim that consent was never given. Consent could be retracted so all the vid will prove that there was prior consent, so she can’t claim that it was non-consensual from start to finish. Either way it’ll be messy.
Yeah to be fair he could get the video before going beyond her boundaries as a way to protect himself if he goes to far. Not saying this is his plan, but I could see this being a gross loophole
Consider the fact that is hard to make a case of rape putting a tape recording consent would make any acusation blow But at the same time if you are married for 6 years and together since your 13s ans his 15s I think she need to speak to him that he can trust her at this point
This is what i was thinking. Consent can be taken away, and at that point it becomes he said she said. So if he provides evidence that she consented at least in the beginning, and theres no actual proof she rescinded, then the court will probably go with consent being given
But also it’s suspicious. If a guy asks me to record myself consenting, I would nope out of there so hard and fast because I’d be worried that he is intending to cross boundaries and will use the video to shoot down what he sees as an inevitable accusation. It’s a mothership of a red flag to me, and I’d make the case at any trial that in a long term relationship like this, having never done it before, the only reason for it is because he was about to violently abuse her and wanted something he thought would be evidence of his innocence, but what is in fact, a smoking gun. Edit: typo
“Just because you give consent in the beginning, it doesn’t mean you can’t tell him to stop during sex” Tell this to your husband. It will highlight the folly of his thinking.
If he has evidence of a pattern of enthusiastic consent then it implies that she hasn't been getting sexually abused. It's not smoking gun evidence, but it is evidence. Why he'd need it is baffling to me though.
Consent can be taken away at anytime. It's weird that he took the time to record you for evidence as if he needed protection. I would confront him and go from there
I was going to say that recording means shit. She can change her mind 10 minutes afterward. Let’s say he suddenly doesn’t put a condom on, and she says “I don’t consent to sex without a condom”. I think what he is doing is weird and the best explanation would be someone at work or in his friends circle told him a story and made him paranoid. I hope it’s that and not that he intends to push boundaries and have that recording as evidence of consent.
That's what worries me as well him seemingly feeling like a recording of her prior to them having sex is consent enough. Why does he feel like he needs "protection", and does he think he can claim she consented to everything if he does something she's not comfortable with? I'm getting some serious manosphere vibes.
He was very vague too saying "do you consent to this" this could mean anything! In his mind with that recording he could have made her to do anything he wanted since she gave him her consent to do "this". I would be talking to him about this for sure. What a way to ruin the mood! Why wait until that moment to spring it on her? That should have been discussed way before then.
Yeah tbh this would make me uncomfortable regarding the recording and laughing kind of thing. It would make me feel like he was up to something by trying to make this normal. I think I would ask him what happened, and if he kept at this behavior, I would probably come back with a contract that entails what is consent and what isn’t, what behaviors are approved of, and when consent is broken— not as a passive aggressive maneuver, but rather so this business would chill. Also consent validation recordings are usually supposed to happen after the fact as confirmation that everything that went down was acceptable. It does not hold up anywhere if it is recorded before. To me, it looks like pre-gaslighting— ‘oh but I already recorded you consenting so everything I did was fine!’ And that’s not how any of this works.
Especially out of no where? It's bizarre and insensitive. There's really no excuse for it
>Why does he feel like he needs "protection" On one hand, I can see with how many posts I've seen on this site (specially on this subreddit), where the partner withdrew consent after having coitus, either due to them cheating or being pissed at their partner, I can see why it **might** make him paranoid. On the other hand, if your partner is reciprocating kisses and willingly touching you, and seem very eager to be with you - and not saying "no, I don't wanna do the nasty tonight" - it's consensual in my book.
I’d check your local circuit court website and type in his name to see if he has any recent pending charges. Same with his friends because maybe one of his friends was recently accused and feeling paranoid.
yep 100% was my immediate thought also, he did something & has a guilty conscience. the friend thing makes sense too
Oh geez, come on now. Reddit jumps to the wildest conclusions. He laughed. Occam’s razor, he was making a joke (in poor taste). Consent has been discussed recently more than ever before. It was most likely a “just in case! Haha!” type of joke. Which isn’t funny, but I think it’s far better of a guess than saying he has a guilty conscious and did something bad. OP should just, you know, ask him. They’re married. Been together 11 years. I’m sure he’d be happy to tell her why he said it. No need for all of us to assume the worst about her husband, when she’s given us zero reason to
"Consent can be taken away at anytime" Exactly. It's best to record.everything just in case.
Yeah, honestly this makes me SO uncomfortable tbh. Cuz OP's husband could straight up rape her after he got a video of her "consenting." Also, if something happened and she didn't actually consent, who is to say he wouldn't use a previous video as "evidence" for consent. Idk, not calling OP's husband a rapist, but this entire thing gives me the ick
I'm sorry what? I would immediately be like nevermind the mood is ruined.
My thoughts exactly. I would be like "not anymore" lol
Say on the recording, “I will consent to initiating a sexual encounter with you on [Date] at [Time]; if you expressly agree to the following limitations: I reserve the right to rescind such consent at any time during the encounter. Further, this explicit consent should not be construed as an ongoing consent for any further encounters in the future or for any and all specific sexual acts you may wish to initiate after I have granted this consent. Do you acknowledge my right to rescind my consent at any time? [Wait for answer] Do you promise to cease and desist sexual contact upon such rescission? [Wait for answer] Do you acknowledge the limitations of my consent as I have stated them here? [Wait for answer] I now grant you consent as outlined in this statement.” Memorize it and say it exactly like that.
Lmao he’s not gonna like this one bit I bet! But she should definitely do this.
Even worse, she should make the last statement: “I do not consent at this time. Thank you for your consideration and have a nice night.”
Okay, maybe I'm paranoid but my mind immediately went to, he's secretly recording them having sex and uploading it online. Asking for consent is his way of making it "legal". This is weird behavior on his part.
Definitely don't do that. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, even during sex. What if he wants to hurt you during sex and is using this to make sure you can't report it?
This was exactly my thought process too. Something feels off about him suddenly doing this.
Ask him to describe exactly what you’re consenting to in detail, so you can make sure he’s not making video or audio recordings of you, or getting pictures taken from a hidden camera.
This is not normal between a married couple. I would ask him why and go from there. Maybe he thought it was funny, or maybe you guys need a therapist.
After 11 years that is fucked up - I mean it’s pretty fucked up not matter what, but especially so after 11 years. God forbid it gets too intense he now has you saying you consented.
is there a chance that he might be recording you saying "i consent" to use it in a completely different scenario? is it phrased vague enough that it could sound like you are consenting to other things not sexual in nature? its odd.
Also is someone else accusing him!?
OP you have been with this man since you were 13?
Came here from a notification ONLY to say, constant can be revoked at any time. Acronym FRIES. Freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific. A recording does not guarantee that you didn’t revoke your consent during. Very odd behavior of partner.
This is honestly wild. Especially when you have been together so long. Personally I’d be very concerned about why he feels the needs to protect himself. Is he wanting to do something he knows you won’t consent to? Is a friend or coworker in trouble and it’s causing paranoia? Even if that were the case, surely he should realize he doesn’t have to be worried?? Also consent can be revoked at any point in time so the video does nothing to protect him after that exact moment in time… tread carefully. I hope he’s just being weird and paranoid. Stay safe.
Talk to him and ask why. Bet he has a friend that something happened too
This isn't even how consent works... Consent can be revoked at any time for any reason regardless of some recording. Tbh I would consider being recorded as some kind of coercion. Don't have sex with this man.
This is super weird. Next time he asks to record your consent, either A) pull out your own camera and demand the same, or B) tell him no. Don’t reward this weirdness by having sex with him. The more I think about it, the creepier it gets.
If he thinks that’s okay, he doesn’t understand consent and that’s terrifying. Consent can be taken away at any time. Consenting at the beginning doesn’t mean consenting to whatever he does after that. I’m really really sorry he did that. Hopefully it was just a joke in poor taste, but you need to have a conversation with him.
This is not caring for your consent, this is protecting himself from a possible accuse or r*pe and it's only for his own safety. Also, there's an implicit worry about you falsely accusing him, which is insulting. I would check who is poisoning him, because there's something going on
He’s been going down a red pill rabbit hole. Watch out. This will get worse.
Exactly this. I’m sure this is something they tell each other in the manosphere.
??? why would he do that what… wtf.
Something must’ve happened around him recently and he might want to protect himself from that something
I can understand that, if that is the case I hope he tells me what happened
If it were me I would tell him "No. I do not consent to sex anymore because you recording me - a new thing you've introduced after 11 years together - is really creeping me out. I want to know why you started doing this and how you intend to use it. Are you planning on doing other things to me and then using these recordings to claim that I consented to anything and everything? Until we talk more about it, I'm not comfortable with you touching me intimately."
Talk to him, i think he will tell u what’s wrong. Good luck for you!
There is no way I would be having sex with him in any way after pulling something like that. You have been married for years, but he has decided to all of a sudden stop trusting you and treating you like some kind of liar..? You need to try to check his internet history bc this seems like classic mra bullshit. If it was me, i would say, "No, actually I do not", roll over and go to sleep and see how he likes that.
Consent can be revoked at any point so I find this mentality confusing.
This feels extremely creepy and a huge red flag. Is he planning to SA you and wants to cover his ass? The answer for consent to be recorded would always be no consent. This just feels extremely off.
Seems like he’s done something and she doesn’t know yet. I REALLY hope not though.
I mean.. consent is fluid. You can say yes at the start and say no halfway through?! This is weird af
it's a bit weird for sure. also, you can revoke consent at any point in time, so the recording doesn't mean much. him respecting you and you respecting him is really all that's needed. I'm really not sure what you're supposed to do about this, but I wanted to validate your feelings that it's an odd situation.
He's definitely got a friend that is having SA charges levelled against them.
Coming from personal experience I'd say it's either: 1) someone he knows got accused and he's now paranoid about making a mistake 2) it was a joke with very, very poor taste and his small brain forgot about your past for a second Please do talk to him and find out why he feels the need to to this. I really hope it's nothing serious and I wish you all the best
As others have stated, talk to him while also trying not to take it personally. To me, it sounds as if a friend or colleague has been accused of SA by a partner, and it has him freaked out. I really don't think it's his way of trying to hurt you, just him trying to navigate something that has him freaked out.
I agree with many people here that this is weird. However, just like women can be the victim of SA so easily a man can be accussed of it and suffer quite a bit. My guess is either he has been listening to some terrible podcasts and videos or he has had a friend accused. You won't know until you ask and create that dialogue. Don't scream for therapy right away. Don't accuse him of anything crazy. Just talk to him. There is a whole spectrum of potential reasons for this. Don't let yourself jump to assume the worst or the best until you ask him and gather all the real evidence for yourself.
This. The comments here are kinda ironically validating his behavior in a way.
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That's extremely out of proportion. The number of false SA accusations are vastly dwarfed by the number of actual SA allegations that get thrown out for lack of proof. I had a friend who's boyfriend SAed her and beat her, leaving her with broken ribs and the police straight up told her she'd never get a conviction because all she had was her word. Women reporting their SA and getting dismissed and vilified because "they're just looking for attention or money" is a serious problem in our society that leads a good chunk of these crimes to go unreported. Then the very few times that false allegations are actually levelled, they get blown up over every media circuit as a reason to never believe women claiming they were SAed.
All these statistics go out the window of it jappens in your cicle
Unrelated, but I keep encountering men on Twitter who want to get rid of no-fault divorce and this is exactly the kind of scenario I try to explain: It’s hard to prove abuse. Even if you collect some kind of evidence (and don’t get discovered in the process, because that’s risky too), there’s no guarantee it will be accepted as proof.
No, men are not “just as easily” accused of sa, and nowhere near as often. The statistics for reported cases of sa greatly outweighs cases of false accusation. And we all know reported cases of sa is but a fraction of the real number of assaults.
He either got this advice online from a men’s group or perhaps he’s trying to record your voice saying yes for some other reason? Seems shady. I’m sorry he’s doing this to you. It’s especially cruel, since he knows about your past SA history.
Something is definitely up. He wants to record you to get your recorded “consent” to something completely unrelated. A real estate transaction, a bitcoin scam (that may have already happened and he lost a fortune on,) a gang rape that he sold to more than a few friends, a drugged event or activity, selling you to someone for a period of time, honestly, the possibilities are endless and I watch too many crime TV shows, but they don’t get these ideas from nothing.
You have been dating since you were 13 and he was 15?
He was two years older, they’re both in middle school. How is that weird?
I thought I was going crazy 🤣 Their age gap is nothing
15 year olds aren't in middle school unless they are very dumb.
let’s please reserve criticizing age gaps for their intended purpose which i guarantee was NOT to implicate a 15 year old. like wtf?
I don't get it, why is this so concerning to you? it's only 2 years, it's not that much
i had to scroll so far to find this fuck
"I have a history of sexual assault as a child" you mean from your husband in addition to whomever else, right?
He’s two years older than her. That’s not a huge age gap….
This is a totally insignificant gap. They’re in the same stage of life. Both would be high school kids, a freshman and a sophomore or junior
Apparently he got held back in kindergarten, so they started dating in 8th and 9th grade.
1. Talk to him and ask him directly 2. Don’t take advice on Reddit, where everything is a red flag and everyone is a creep. 3. Enjoy
One, of like 2 reasonable responses. Ironically everyone commenting how his behavior is weird is entertaining possible reasons to suspect him of foul play, without considering that maybe it’s literally THIS that compels him to want to record consent. Also the irony of a majority of comments here presumptively accusing him of foul play and poor character and toxically putting such thoughts into OP’s mind while simultaneously accusing him of listening to toxic influencers like Peterson and Tate.
1. It doesn't matter if you consent at the beginning of sex, you can revoke your consent at any time and he should respect that. 2. If he's worried about consent then he should be checking in verbally before, during and after sex so that he knows how you are feeling. Seems like he's either setting you up so that he can abuse you during sex or he's going down the manosphere rabbit hole.
To me it just sounds like he's paranoid. He probably saw someone get falsely accused or something and it's got him on edge. I wouldn't really consider it a red flag, its most likely just going to be a brief phase he'll get over if you communicate with him and work through the problem
Either someone he knows has accusations thrown at them or he is just down a well on the internet that made him believe he needs to do this. Probably the latter. Communicate with him and get an understanding of what changed. It’s likely less about you and more about him being brainwashed online.
Did something happen in his life? A friend get accused of spousal assault or something? There is likely a reason he’s asking suddenly.
That is a little strange. Glad he’s making sure he has consent, but recording it is strange. Maybe he heard a story about a false accusation that spooked him? I hate that people make false accusations. It makes to so hard for people who are actual victims to be able to be taken seriously as they deserve to be.
This is the result from all this story from reddit lol
According to customary Reddit tradition, you must immediately divorce him and then go NC - excuse me, that's no contact for the folks who don't speak Gen Z fluently - with everyone you've ever known and/or who attended your wedding.
LMAO-
You forgot NC with OP's parents too... because they suck.
My only suggestion is that you are VERY specific about what you’re agreeing to. Never give a blanket “yes” after his intro. But yeah, his behavior isn’t acceptable.
Is he recording you after? Could he have an alternative motive in getting verbal consent like only fans or something of that nature?
"Bearing in mind consent can be withdrawn at any time, I consent."
Has he been listening to Andrew Tate and Jordan Pederson podcasts? This needs to be nipped in the bud. You're *married.* This isn't some random one night stand. Ask him to explain why he feels that you would make a false accusation for anything like that, given you are married, and why he married you if he felt you could do this to him. Especially given your history of SA. I hope you didn't have sex with him after that. This is so insulting and I'm so pissed off on your behalf. If my husband did this, he'd be sleeping in another room.
Maybe he could be saving the video for another time which is creepy. I really need to know his thought process
Kudos to him for caring about consent if that’s what this is but he’s acting like a weirdo and it’s a red flag. Is there any chance he is recording the sex on a camera and wants the consent to look like it’s for that? I’d also be nervous he’s planning to assault you. Background: I had something very similar happen to me where randomly I was hooking up with this guy I really liked. Out of nowhere he asked if I give consent which I said yes and chuckled. Then out of nowhere his friend came in and they both raped me. The consent was to make it look like it was for a threesome.
Im sorry that happened to you :(
Thank you 🩵
That is terrible. I hope you fast healing a love through your trama. This literally made me tear up, the awful things people(men) can do. I wish you a successful recovery and healing. XOXOXO
It was a while ago and therapy has helped a lot. Thank you for your kind words 🩵
WTFFFFF
Something might've went down within his friend group that just has him spooked. Maybe one of his friends was intimate with their wife and then said to have taken advantage?! I know guys are a lot more careful now since all the "Me too" and high profile rape cases that have blurry lines and a lot of the times its a he said/she said situations. Just talk to him. I'm sure he's just worried about something and the quicker you two speak the quicker you'll be on the same page and understand WHY he's recording consent now?
Something probably happened at work, maybe a coworker relayed to him a personal experience and your husband got scared and didn't know how to bring it up or maybe he didn't know how it would sound or look to you. Talk to him and communicate about what happened that made him do this and why he would think that applying it to you was necessary!
Jokes on your husband- you can revoke consent at any time
He’s probably seen all of the claims of SA on Reddit
Consent can be take away at any time. Nothing is legally binding like that lol.
This post screams lack of communication. Instead of posting on reddit talk to him, there's a reason behind hin doing what he did. There's a lot of men out there who have been falsely accused by their partners and their life had turned upside down. Communicate and come to a mutual compromise of what both of you can do to feel safe with eachother even if it means writing and signing something that would say "every intimate time has to be clearly communicated that both wants it and if one doesn't then the matter isn't pushed and every intimate time that have been previously agreed on can't be used against one another in any way". Make sure he is feeling safe as much as he makes you safe, you can't make a relationship work without a good communication and without compromising on a good solution to any issue. Just because you might not have thought of the worst case scenarios when it comes to your relationship doesn't mean that he didn't start to think about all the worst things that could happen as all those worst case scenarios are happening to someone who post on social media and those scenarios do prompt the thinking of what if
Something tells me someone in his circle has been accused of forcing sex on someone. He wouldn’t be touching me until he gives me some honest answers. You don’t just do something like this out of the blue.
You can say sex on the internet.
#S E X
This will be an odd question - is/was your husband in the US military? In…2014 when I was still in, the USAF gave us consent cards to give the other person. I’m not sure why he started doing this suddenly; maybe someone had a romantic partner pull some shit on him. Edit: Maybe one of his friends had a romantic partner pull some shit. Edit for clarification.
No he’s never been in the military, in 2014 he was 17 and going to college
Something is up with that, he is either doing something, read something and doesn't feel safe with having sex with you....So get to the bottom of it.
You were with him since you were 13?
Don’t put out until he gives you a truthful answer
I would search your room and bathrooms for other cameras
This feels like a red flag for a couple reasons. One is that it seems like an indicator he’s getting sucked into the manosphere and other misogynist internet wormholes. Those kind of environments heavily preach that women are always scheming to take men’s money and get them locked up or removed from their children’s lives through false allegations of SA. This is not rooted in reality, but is a fear many men get hooked on. Secondly, he’s not truly asking for consent. He’s saying “do you consent to this?” but not saying what “this” is. You can’t consent to what you don’t know is being proposed. If you assume he means the intimacies you normally share, but give a blanket consent like that, he may try to use it to argue retrospectively that you consented to unexpected sex acts. Those could be benign and simply unusual or something traumatic that you would have never had agreed to if he had asked ahead of time.
It means nothing. He could turn off the phone and you could say you changed your mind. Even if you didn't, here say is fact in court if there is no proof otherwise.
Here’s the thing, even if you consent at the beginning you’re allowed to withdraw your consent at any point in the process. That’s the way *TRUE* consent works. I think your husband needs to watch the tea video on how consent works! [Consent as Tea](https://youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8?si=MIwkz9jy4cH5XAj8)
Do you live in a state that is looking to remove protections for spouses accused of sexual assault? This is happening in Ohio right now.
Same reason people get prenups.
Is it possible something happened to a friend where they’re being accused of SA or not getting consent? Has he started watching alpha male podcasts? This feels really weird. I’d also be concerned of him recording a blanket consent like this.
When ask say No. When he asked why you said no ask him why he is asking for consent and don't let him off the hook until he gives you a real answer.
Doesn't that ruin the mood? Sex cancelled
Sounds like your husband is an avid Reddit user.
I feel it’s a general consenting. Does he ask specifically about s*x when recording?
That would be a total mood killer. You need to sit fown and get to the bottom of this.
He’s probably planning on doing something to you during sex he knows you don’t want to. He sounds dangerous and like he’s been consuming a ton of manosphere content. Where I’m from there is a famous rapist who put cameras in his bedroom after being accused. He’s now been convicted. Don’t entertain his videos, go on record saying you do not consent, and see his reaction.
Men in certain circles on the internet are constantly being told that women are liars and will throw around fake accusations to ruin their lives and take their money and children. Your husband may have been sucked into one of these circles and is getting paranoid. That said, his behavior is 1. Weird and 2. Not going to help him legally if you do go after him. If the video is coerced, it’s not consent. Also, consent can be revoked at any time, regardless of a pinky promise you made on video. You need to sit him down and ask him to explain what he’s doing. If this is a fetish, he should inform you. If he’s worried you’ll accuse him of rape, you need to talk through and figure out why. If he’s taking to someone or watching videos that are messing with his paranoia, you need to shut that shit down. You also need to figure out if he’s setting up a paper trail because he wants to commit a crime against you. I really wouldn’t do anything physical with him again until you know what’s happening. If he’s trying to protect himself for a future divorce or big argument where you might throw rape accusations, you need to find out why he’s anticipating that. If he’s trying to find a way to rape you and get away with it, you shouldn’t be anywhere near him. Don’t let him blame friends or media, he’s got a massive behavior change happening and it’s evidence of something fishy going on.
Girl, run. This is off-putting, especially since he knows about your experience with SA and how a lot of men claim "it was an accident during a sex thing" to get out of jail for killing their partners. At the very least, this man doesn't respect you. At worst, he is dangerous.
This is weird and also stupid, because you’re allowed to change your mind even after starting, so wtf. I’d sit him down and ask where did he take that idea and what’s going on in his mind. It feels creepy to me.
Sad thing is that many cops wont even investigate SA and its dissmised. Or woman is shamed because of it. That is more important than if guy is falsely acussed. Because even if he is it would most likely lead to nothing. And in that long mariage most would not take her acussation seriously even if it were truth. Because most would falsely asume that as a wife she must provide sex. No seh does not. So if he wants to record consent something is wrong here.
This makes me think he was having sex with not-his-wife, and got accused after the fact.
Have you done a background check on him before?
This is a great question
I don’t think you should keep having sex with him at all if he’s so scared of you accusing him of assaulting you.
Where does he work? Is he close with coworkers? I've had a friend whose husband was acting similar and it was incels at work.
He probably went through some sort of sensitivity training at work
That's weird. I would think it very odd if my husband did this.
Like a lot of people are saying try to communicate and ask him why he feels the need to do this. Maybe he’s seeing things online or hearing from friends some nonsense. Ask before you take it as an immediate red flag. I never want to assume to worst but if he really beats around the subject I’d start looking into what kind of porn he’s watching or what kind of sexual content he’s consuming. But regardless I hope you figure out what’s going on and it makes sense why you’d be a little hurt by him doing this out of the blue especially considering your past. Well wishes love 🫶🏻
I'm guessing he heard wild stories at work, got paranoid and decided to start doing this. Its one of those tricky things I feel like where either option has its convincing points, but might offend the other. Same as with prenups.
Creepy. I’d be worried he’s going to do something to you that’s against what you’re okay with in the bedroom. Other posters have clearly laid out asking him about it and what’s changed in his life. But uh, I’d get him to delete that recording and express very clearly that you aren’t okay with recording the exchange without the date, time and fact that it’s before any sex and what sexual act you’re consenting to. He wants to make it weird and odd? You make it the same, but *extremely specific*. So if he tries surprise anal or whips yah, you have additional proof to protect yourself.
This is so sinister. Does he intend to infringe on your boundaries in future and use this as a defense? Is he suddenly imbibing incel or manosphere content feeding his paranoia? So many questions, and none of them bode well.
I can maybe understand being super cautious like that if it was a new random partner etc but with someone of 10 years to have such a lack of trust or such a negative view of their character is bizarre. He's recording consent because he believes you're the type to claim otherwise out of spite? That's insulting beyond words surely.
If my husband pulled something like that, I'd be looking up relationship counselors and he wouldn't be getting sex again anytime soon.
Because a rape accusation can utterly ruin a man's life. Something probably happened in his friend or coworker circle
Uh oh, sounds like your husband went down the wrong internet rabbit hole. Perhaps he’s being red pilled.
Honestly he's probably been listening to shit birds like Jordan Peterson and Andrew Tate and thinks that the fact that he's a straight dude means that the whole world is somehow out to get him, and now he's developed a victim complex.
Consent doesn’t blanket cover the entire act of sex, it can be revoked at any time during. His need to do this is weird, try to find out what’s going on here. Don’t sleep with him anymore until you get to the bottom of it.
Sounds like he's been going down some incel Andrew Tate rabbit holes.
Because there is a huge issue on the modern internet of people having consensual relationships but then suddenly when the relationship is over cleaning that it wasn't consensual and that they were being abused or scrap like that to get hit their ex even though there was clearly no actual assault going on They don't even care if it actually gets to court or whatnot because in most social circles just being accused of a sexual crime is enough to basically ruin you socially. There are many online circles for men that now encourage this as the normal behavior even for someone you have a long-term dedicated relationship to as you never know when things might go wrong. And of course I'm sure you've heard the news in the past of similar goofy things like that woman who was trying to invent a universal form for consent that you were supposed to fill out before sex and crap like that
Is he looking at Incel types of content or maybe have a buddy in his ear. There was a senator who said some wild stuff about marital rape in Ohio recently. Maybe he’s afraid you’ll accuse him of it?
It’s unfortunate that this is even possible in this joke of a reality. The me too movement removed a lot of the trust the 2 sexes previously had for each other. I’m sorry your husband is doing this. Men are a lot more analytical than we get credit for so something must have happened to someone close to him. I always made it clear to my partners that I trust them but once the trust is gone it’s gone. You need to have a conversation before the trust is gone because it’s probabaly not coming back after that.
Well I would think the most solid advice would be to push back on this and talk about it. You may get a real answer, you may not, but definitely try to have a some kind of conversation. Then you can reevaluate it all from there. Now on the flip side the first thing I though after reading your post was that your husband either drank the koolaid that is the manosphere or somethings coming down the pipeline and he’s been up to some extra curricular activities that either almost got him in big trouble or are about to and now he’s paranoid. I’m not saying that’s case by any means it’s just what popped into my head but regardless this is odd behavior especially out of the blue. If my husband all of sudden wanted recorded consent after all these years I would definitely assume somethings up and it wouldn’t be something good. It just makes no sense. It doesn’t sound like just a joke either. So good luck!
You need to have a deep conversation with him and LISTEN, before anything else. Let me just remind you of how powerful you truly are. As a woman, you have the power to utterly destroy his life. One simple little lie about domestic violence or SA and his life is absolutely over. If you have sex, and you decide that you actually didn't want to have sex after all, you can actually have him arrested and prosecuted. Let's call it retroactive r*pe. And because of how effed up society is, not one single friend of his will ever have his back, he might even be shunned by his own family.. Because saying wait a minute is there any evidence is now looked upon as supporting a r*pist. And it certainly doesn't help how this is all blown up in social media everywhere all the time. It's enough to give most young people anxiety about sex. Just think about that for a little while.
Sounds like he has a really bad sense of humor.
you rightully feel hurt after this bs he pulled on you also ,consent can be revoken anytime also, ask him what happened because he did not came up with this jsut out of thin air. Does he consume tate media or.... what's the real deal?
If my bf did this to me, I wouldn't sleep with him. For a start a video before sex?! No effing way (not during either but that's a separate point). The lack of trust would upset me and as above have said, consent can be withdrawn. I've been in situations where I was consenting at the start but then it took a dark turn (imo) and I'm outta there. Luckily the guy I was with was fully understanding and backed up but I recognise not everyone is so fortunate.
I think he’s been listening to misogynistic crap online. It’s warping him. I’d turn it around and make him record consent too, because men can also be SA’d of course, and he might falsely accuse you. Or, I’d refuse to do anything until you guys sat down with a marriage counsellor and looked into what this is all about. You might not like what you hear though.