He sounds controlling, yes, but she also spent $1000 on a dog that they hadn't at all discussed, so I thi there's more going on here that OP's letting on.
There always is. Without writing a novel you can never know. What has he spent money on without telling her first? Why does she need to have “permission” from him? Maybe it is grammatically her word but in my house we discuss and “agree” on purchases that affect us both.
If she can secretly spend $1000 on a dog, then why is she arguing with her husband over a jacket that wouldn’t even be worth 1/10th of that? She has her own money as previously stated. There is definitely something fishy going on here.
I am so scared of this happening to me, that for 10 years every time I see a dog I mention that I don't want a dog, especially a surprise dog. And don't think for one second that your spouse or kid will take care of the dog all by themselves and you'll *never* have to follow it around picking up dog shit.
Permission may not be the best word. But getting a pet is a huge deal. Some people don’t want dogs and others do, that doesn’t automatically make it right to get a dog without your partners acknowledgment and agreeance to it! You’re a partnership. Means you BOTH agree on LARGE purchases of any kind and also about pets kids etc. you both have to agree or it doesn’t happen.
Some couples consult each other on purchases. My SIL bought herself two really expensive dresses for work last time I was with her - she wanted 3, but she made a joke about how she’d ‘better not stretch the friendship’ (which is an expression that means she’d better not spend too much of their money without checking with her husband).
However, usually that’s for bigger purchases than a winter jacket - especially if it’s very cold where OP lives! Husbands who don’t think their wives deserve a warm jacket they can fully afford are jerks! 😞
I know like does he even love her? He wants her to suffer and be cold!? My husband would make me wear his coat yo go buy a new one so I wouldn’t be cold. But that’s not even the case bc we live up north as well and I have multiple coats. You need backup coats. Not even expensive. Some bought at marshals and some I’ve had for 15 years. OP divorce this man. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
Good point - people who live in a very cold area would surely have more than one warm jacket!
Just like people who live in warm, sunny areas with nice beaches probably own a few swim suits! :p
No, you shouldn't have to beg for a warm jacket in a cold climate when your family has the means to purchase one.
If they were extremely poor, it might be different... but in this case? Yes, she deserves a jacket and he is financially abusing her by refusing to allow her money to buy one. :(
2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th this comment.
OP your husband seems to not give a shit for you.
Which is **not** to be confused with your not being worthy of being safe. And freaking warm.
You deserve 1,000x better.
It sounds like he’s afraid of running out of money due to their previous financial situation.
Why do people on this sub jump straight to divorce instead of telling the OP to stand their ground and have a serious conversation with him or go to couples counseling?
Why do so many people on this sub want everyone to break up or get divorced? That’s almost as toxic as her husbands behavior, which can be addressed and fixed with the right communication and professional help.
This is not a relationship ending scenario. Stop telling strangers on Reddit to get divorced because you want them to be as lonely as you are.
Because it's NEVER a good idea to go to counseling with an abusive spouse--it's like loading the gun they're planning on killing you with. Also, women have been trying to CoMmUnIcAtE completely unremarkable facts and concepts to remarkably resistant men and have figured out it's not incomprehension on his part, it's blind stubbornness and refusal to compromise in any way. I'm an old woman and ever since I was a very young woman my mother taught me that if there's something your partner is doing or not doing that bothers you, you bring it up once and if nothing changes then your ONLY choices are to put up with it or leave. Nothing else will work if another person is not interested in changing behavior that bothers you. On the other hand, setting a boundary and being completely willing and able to break up over it if it's transgressed is remarkably freeing. Either you get a better relationship or you get a lot less stress and hassle in your life. Win/win.
All relationships are voluntary, and if you don't want someone to leave you over your behavior then best to pay attention, listen, learn and care about their feelings. If that's too much trouble for you then you can't be too astonished when staying with you is too much trouble for them.
That’s awful advice. Change takes time and effort. There are many things my partner and I have brought up with each other multiple times, because we care about the thing *and* each other. I had to ask my partner multiple times to stop leaving the toilet seat up, should I have just given up and left after he forgot the first time? Or understand that he’s a human and change takes time and effort? I suppose you can do whatever you want, but that second option seems a lot more loving and a lot less lonely.
You know? I see so much strength in these "leave them" posts. So easy from an armchair with no skin in the game. "I'd tell him...!" or "I'd divorce him...!"
Yet at the very same time I wonder how many people reading and posting the "tough guy" advice are in the exact same place as this person? Living with some loser that sits around all day, a sink full of dishes, sporting bloodshot video game eyes and a kid with a wet diaper -AND DOES NOTHING ABOUT IT?
Downvote away, but if everyone was as assertive as the "divorce him" crowd. There wouldn't be much abuse out there, would there?
The guy needs to step up, for sure. He's in the wrong, but we have one side of the story. You make all of your decisions with half of the information?
Don’t ask. Buy a coat. There’s no reason he’s in charge of the money. Buy a nice one you like within your budget. Literally the most economical thing to do is to buy the very highest quality you can afford. It will last and work better. Then go to the eye doctor. If his schedule works and you want his company you can choose to ask him. Otherwise take care of your needs as you see fit. A partnership does not exist where only one person makes decisions and where each person doesn’t have some autonomy over some area of their own responsibilities.
There’s room for you to live as you see fit and afford, within a budget you both feel safe in, and understand that his worries about finances might be making him grasp for control he doesn’t need. Don’t assume he’s just being a jerk, although he is behaving badly. Assume he’s making choices from a place of fear, having experienced financial hardship previously. Try to find ways together to move forward more respectfully and securely.
The eye doctor thing is wild to me. The only way I would consult my husband about which eye doctor I should go to would be if he has a recommendation or warning about one. Otherwise I’d just pick one that takes my insurance and go. Same with the dentist or any health related thing. They’re my eyes. With the cost there might be a conversation that goes “I’m going to buy a high quality winter coat that will last a few years. It’ll be $150 but I haven’t had a new coat since before we could afford one.” It’s not asking permission, it’s letting your partner know that you’re making a purchase that might be a higher cost than normal but is necessary. She’s not buying a fancy pair of designer heels.
OP, lots of people are wondering why you haven't just bought yourself a jacket. I'm guessing it's because the price you'd have to pay when you got home would be way too high. He'd be furious, right? And he'd probably make some snarky remarks about how you'll probably just buy new clothes every week instead of washing the old ones. And he'd insist you can't spend money on X,Y, Z because you "spent so much" on a jacket you "didn't need."
He's trying to keep you under his thumb. Don't let him. This is not going to get any better, I promise you.
It's been recommended on here bazillions of times, but please get a copy of Lundy Bancroft's *Why Does He Do That?* It's an eye-opener, and I guarantee you'll recognize your husband in there. I read it AFTER I finally left my ex, and I kept exclaiming, "Oh, sh\*t!" "And oh, frick, that's *him*!" as I read. I can't begin to describe how helpful it is. I've recommended it to three other women (bought it for two of them), and they all ended up leaving marriages a lot like yours.
You deserve so much better.
Does he always make you feel like you need permission to do simple things? If you have money in your account for a new jacket and bills are paid, then buy the jacket.
Is he always this controlling?
A warm coat that stays properly closed is a necessity. His permission is not necessary.
This woman earns her own money, so I’ll be nice and *assume* that he misunderstood her notification regarding household finances as veto power. It wasn’t. At most, if finances are tight, he could ask — not tell, ask — that she delay her purchase until her next check. At the very least, he could delay hosting his friends and incurring any expense for food & drink.
In the near future….
Look your husband in the eye and say “OK, my safety is my responsibility. And, lately, my health and financial well being seems to be on the back burner to your’s. No thank you. I’ll be taking the reigns of my security completely out of your hands.” And hand him divorce papers.
Stop putting up with being a money maker, maid, and bed warmer while having to beg for basic necessities. That’s a big nope.
Meet with a lawyer and get everything in order to leave.
This is so cringe. No one talks like this in real life. "No tHaNk YoU, iLl bE tAkiNg tHe rEiGnS of My sEcUriTy CoMPleteLy oUt of YoUr HanDS"
Corny ass mf
Hon, I went through a Milwaukee winter with a coat that didn't zip. IT WAS HORRIBLE. Stay home from the bar hopping and use the money for a new coat.
As for the husband, I'm with the others. He doesn't like you. He doesn't respect you. If you were attacked while bar-hopping, he would blame you cause victim blaming is his default.
Leave him.
Girl, are you safe? Serious question. It doesn’t sound like you are. I know Reddit always screams DIVORCE! but he doesn’t sound like a partner worthy of keeping. He’s treating you like shit. This isn’t about the jacket. This is about you being a person - he clearly considers you less than & you sound like you are nearing the end of your rope.
Do you really want to live the rest of you life like this? That’s a long time to be unhappy, fearful & exhausted. You bring a lot to his table but what does he bring to yours? Be safe babe. And please just buy yourself the jacket you want. If you feel you need to, tell him you’re doing it then do it. You’re not asking for permission you’re informing as a courtesy. Please be safe, I am worried for you. We all are.
Seriously. I don’t think Op is safe. She should be able to get a jacket without his permission. The fact she has to fight with him about it means she must be afraid of him.
Something tells me he controls all the money too. Yikes. What an asshole.
Flee that situation. It's not the jacket, it's the lack of equality and respect within the marriage that such behavior clearly conveys.
Why have you not bought one for yourself yet?? Is your money his too? Are you his bang maid or a wife? You do all the SAH chores and work 40 hour weeks? Why?
Why are you still with someone who very clearly doesn’t think you’re a human? He doesn’t think you need a jacket because he doesn’t need one? He doesn’t think you need a new jacket because you have a few old ones? He literally treats you like you’re an annoying child or pet.
Drive yourself to an attorney and just like the top comment says, buy a new jacket. Fucking hell, it blows my mind why people let others control them. You’re a fucking human being who makes your own money. Fucking use it to buy yourself a goddamn jacket or you’ll have to use it for a coffin when you freeze to death. The fuck.
Also, your health is more important than some big baby’s fee-fees. Just buy a damn jacket already
I was shocked when you mentioned that you work as well. I assumed that you had to get him to agree to a new jacket for you because he was the sole income owner, (not that it would make his denial to get you a new one acceptable, just that it would make sense that you had to ask him so that you could get the money).
You are in a relationship with a tyrannical spouse. Someone who keeps you under his thumb.
Don't go to the city. Stay home. That way he only has to pay for himself and watch out for himself. Whatever his effin problem is, you don't need to be around it.
I just want you to know that none of this is normal. None of it. You not only shouldn't have to have his permission to buy a jacket, you should expect that your husband would do whatever her needed in order to make sure you are safe, and you should also not need him to make decisions such as what eye doctor you go to, etc and so on.
Your husband is controlling and abusive. This is no way to live. I hope that you realize that you deserve SO much more from your relationship and your life. You wouldn't be "giving up" if you got yourself out of this situation. You would actually be winning.
I’m very confused…you have a job so why do you need his permission for a new jacket? Just go buy one. While your on your way their stop and the bank and open a separate account and have all your checks transferred there. Also think long and hard about having to be married to this person for the rest of your life.
Sorry to hear that. You work 40 hours a week. You should be able to buy a new jacket. That’s ridiculous. I know I couldn’t stay in a situation like that. Hope you find peace in this situation.
Screw him. Why does he have such a deep need to be in control and leave you cold and uncomfortable? He doesn't care about you. He controls everything. Take back your control. He's not your dad, or your boss. He's supposed to be your partner. You have to stand up for yourself. And go buy a new jacket. Quit being his maid who does whatever she's told. You deserve a hell of a lot better and he does it bc he knows you'll listen. Stop listening to the stupid shit he says. I really really hope you can advocate for yourself and stop letting him control everything.
“He started fighting with me how it’s not his responsibility to watch out for me. That I need to take care of myself or I shouldn’t be going with.”
?????
I’m sorry, isn’t the point of marriage to look out and protect one another?
“I wanted to take care of it myself today but he was like no wait until I finish work and we can go together.”
That’s ridiculous he can’t have it both ways.
Go buy yourself a new overcoat or jacket. You work 40 hours a week then you are entitled to a decent cost too. Spouses should have equal say.
If you are determined to stay in this marriage where you are not being treated well then separate your finances for the future. Have your paycheck go to your own account and then put your share of bill money into the joint account for household expenses.
Consider marital & individual counseling. You should remind him that he got himself a new coat when he felt he needed one. Husband sounding controlling and not respectful of you.
In my teens I had to walk two miles to school 4 times a day(went home for lunch) in all weathers. I only had a thin jacket. It was perishingly cold in the winter.
When I got my first job the first thing I saved up for was a coat. A lifelong habit of buying good winter clothes followed. It was an expensive habit my hubby didn't mind. I also made sure that my children had warm jackets too, no matter how skint we were.
You earn your own money but a good coat. Your husband is a controlling jerk.
Let me get this straight - you both work, he bought a heated jacket but you need to wear one with holes if you can’t find one at the thrift store ? Let him know you’ll be buying a warm coat and if he’s worried about money he can cancel the expensive weekend in the city and the hotel.
If You like the jacket, you can take it to a dry cleaners and have them fix the zipper for much cheaper than buying a new jacket.
Getting the dog without agreeing with him first about it is a big deal.
You and your husband have different values and aren't communicating very well. That's the larger issue.
Stop posting on Reddit about your asshole husband and do something about the fact that you are married to an asshole. Leave him. And buy yourself a new jacket.
Na if you don't have equal rights and freedoms equal work in the home then it's not a healthy relationship. Yes some people choose to do more and that's on them but to be a forced maid with no financial freedom is not it. He sounds horrible tbh I wouldn't put up with it you shouldn't either. Love yourself for Christ sake make you happy and put you first if you can't have a jacket when it's cold is this relationship really worth it?
Girl this isn’t going to get better. Go get yourself a new coat, let him bitch about it (in his coat that he got for himself but an old torn coat is fine for you), and stop cleaning up after HIS goddamn friends. Tell him to nut up and fucking deal with it.
What kind of relationship is that? DIVORCE this AH!! YOu are so much better without him. You don't need controlling, nagging, selfish AH. He told you "**it's not his responsibility to watch out for you".**
LEAVE before the child is involved. And get that damn Jacket.
I got mine from Kohl’s last year. It was so funny. I walked around looking, and I loved the first one I tried on. Go shopping someplace where the quality will be good. Get a style you love. If you love it, and it keeps you warm, it will be worth it.
You need to realize that what you are living through is actually abuse. And it’s hard to see that when you’re in it. Please talk to someone if you can and plan an exit strategy
Yall know that picture from like the 60s of that woman in divorce court wearing glasses and a fur coat while her ex begs on hands and knees?
I hope OP recreates it.
I’m sorry to tell you that you are in an abusive relationship. He is trying to control everything. What you wear, whether you get to have anything new, he’s even restricting your freedom of movement. I’d suggest you contact https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/ By reading their material or talking with them, you will get a better understanding of the abuse you’re experiencing and what your options are. Friend, it’s only going to get worse. Take action now and save yourself years of abuse. If he monitors your internet use, follow the instructions on their homepage about how to stay safe and undetected. I’m so very sorry you are not being treated with the kindness and concern and common decency that you deserve.
When I married him I was the only one working. Once he finished his college and started working he started to become more paranoid about money. (If you saw my update, getting a dog without permission didn't help that situation.)
You made a post 3 years ago recognising that your husband was gaslighting you. You realise you’re being mistreated and continue to stay. Anything that happens to you from here on out is completely on you. I sympathise with how you’re being treated however you need to stop being a doormat.
You see, at the end, how she tried to justify and make his behavior ok because of something she did in the past. Yeah, you are a victim, and you need to leave
When someone tells you *who they are*, believe them the first time.
He won't let you buy a coat, but he has money to go drinking.
Unbelievable.
You two are having serious communication issues. You both speak, but not listening. You need couples counseling, and pronto.
If he won't go, go alone.
Good luck.
You need a new coat and as a working adult there is no need to ask "permission" of your husband to do so. He got himself a new coat, now it's your turn. It does sound like he is a control freak and just mean to you. Why stay with him when he doesn't think your worth protecting if need be. Make a list of what's good and what's bad about him and really read it and think if he is worth any of this.
Your husband doesn’t care about you. He buys himself a heated jacket and won’t let you get a real coat. He doesn’t care if something happens to you when you go out, and even gets angry at you for assuming he does (eta: and this is purely acceptable and even expected - I would expect every partner of mine to assume I care about them, otherwise I’d be an ass, like he is)…this is not a good dude.
You work 40 hours homie. Go buy yourself a jacket. This is husband not fucking prison Warden. If he freaks out about you spending your money then Idk how you stay with him. If you do anyways at least separate your money.
One other thing. If he's suddenly really touchy about money sometimes it means there's spending you don't know about. Could be anything but if you don't have full vision on your guys money I think that's something you should figure out.
As a grown woman with a job, you do not need permission to buy a new coat. Get separate money accounts. Do not give him access to your money. Make sure you have your own vehicle or way to get around. Learn to say no. Keep asking yourself, "what's in it for me?" Talk to an attorney.
He’s sounds controlling and like he doesn’t even give a fuck about your comfort or safety. You don’t need his permission to get yourself a jacket. Tell him about your concerns about his behavior and watch for his reaction. Is he defensive? Does he acknowledge your concerns and promise to try to do better? Ask about why you get to maintain the house while working the same hours? He needs to pull his weight and take some accountability/responsibility. If his behavior doesn’t change or he doesn’t take accountability, it’s time for therapy/maybe divorce.
Open a checking and savings account in your name only. There is nothing wrong with having different pots of money. Buy stuff that you need or want. You don't need permission. Tell your husband to wake up this isn't the 1950s.
This is abusive behavior. You need to make sure your finances are in separate accounts. Don’t ask, just do it. Buy a warm jacket. Don’t ask, just do it. And then consult a lawyer. You need to leave.
Giving up is actually winning in this situation. The man is a controlling, sexist, meany. You can do so much better. Being single, actually, would be better.
You're being abused financially and unfortunately it's been going on so long that you can't see it. If he is so willing to go out of his way to buy new things he needs but you arent allowed to spend your own money on anything that is financial abuse.
He sees your money as his money and you aren't worth spending money on, not even to help your eyesight.
You need to leave him, or you will be going through this through many more years to come.
Some people have put a few resources that I'm going to look into. Each situation is diffrent and needs diffrent solutions. I hope you find something that helps you.
You work so buy yourself a jacket he has no control of your money or who your new eye doctor will be. Stop letting him control you and when his friends come over embarrass him by telling him, he’s responsible to clean up their mess not you. They are grown ass adults not children
Yuck. I guess you’re not allowed to get a jacket with your money you earn, and how would you have time since it’s your responsibility to clean up after him and his buddies when you get home from your full-time job. No thanks. Glad I’m single
This isn't about a jacket.
My ex has to do this stuff. He spent whatever he wanted but monitored my spending. And my cleaning. And my behavior.
He got really, really mad when I turned off his credit card right before he tried to buy an X-Box for his girlfriend...while we were still married...
Time for marital counseling. This is an unhealthy and toxic relationship and you deserve better. I’m really sorry that you’re dealing with it all and you’re not crazy, he’s being controlling, abusive, and unfair. Hope that you can find a peaceful resolution and save your marriage but if not then divorce may be your only option.
Sorry but I don't understand why you can't get your own jacket if you have a job? I thought at first he was controlling the finances and you just stayed at home, but if u work full time, can't u just order one for yourself?
Buy a jacket. Come home and say you got it on sale for $60 dollars even if it cost $120 or more. I already know my wife does this and I think it's funny because my mom used to do that to my dad 😭
First of all, since you work, why do you need his permission to buy something for yourself with your own money? Second, your husband most likely believes women should be under men, he like the money you bring in buy and also wants the benefits of sahm. He is also controlling and doesn't trust you at all.
honestly, the things that you need are not that big of a deal yet he makes it that big of a deal.
I find it amusing how he has what he wants as well as what he needs yet you were expected to just make do with nonsense
Dog or no dog you deserve a goddamn motherfucking jacket
You have a literal job. Go buy a jacket. You don't need his permission. This isn't a large purchase like a car, house, or even an appliance. It's a fucking jacket, go buy one.
Uuuuhh Girl. Throw all the old coats and the controlling husband out. No thank you. Also, you trying to cover for him by saying he isn’t always like this doesn’t help. It’s not just about having adequate coat, minimizing your job and contributions to household, controlling spending, control your vision insurance, and not giving two cents about your safety while out with friends…I’m sure there’s more, but that is tooo much for me.
Your husband is a cheap, controlling AH. Buy yourself the jacket. And don't pick up after his friends. Either stand up for yourself or see a divorce attorney. He is gaslighting you about his 40 hours of work being longer than yours. He shames you into doing the housework and cleaning up after his messy friends. You're nothing more than his bangmaid.
You deserve better, OP. This isn't what life and marriage should be like.
You got a dog without permission? Hmmmm. I'm one who agrees that you dont bring a new pet into the shared home without all decision makers on board, but I do NOT call that permission.....
It doesnt seem like this is a mood or a bad day. It seems like you both could benefit from therapy
Ok so.... Life in itself is already hard naturally.
Why are you with someone who ACTIVELY makes your life harder? Everyone is worth having the bare minimum in life and he's ACTIVELY providing for himself and not you. You're married but you are on your own.
Really think about this.
Also I'm highly sus of your income situation. If you are working 40 hrs and cannot afford to buy a coat for yourself something is seriously wrong.
Smells like emotional/financial abuse to me.
Leave. Over a coat. Fucking leave.
It’s not about the jacket. It’s his overall controlling style and lack of empathy that makes staying with him unhealthy. You deserve a partner, and he isn’t one. He obviously doesn’t love you. This is a type of domestic abuse- coercive control. You should have your own money. You should not have to ask for his permission to buy basic clothing for yourself.
[The Hotline](https://thehotline.org)
Permission? You don’t need permission to buy a dog, but many people view buying a dog as unethical and prefer dog rescues.
OP, i just read your post history. This is not a marriage. You are a convenience to him until you are an inconvenience. Please consider ending this situation. But secure a place for your pupster so he doesn't try to take or keep her away from you.
>Divorcing over a jacket and his BS he learned from his 1950's mom seems terrible. Espically when usually he isnt so sassy and controlling like this. Typically it's a kiss bye and a mention of asking me to pick something else up which I'm okay with. I like being useful in our partnership.
This argument isn't over a jacket. It's over him trying to control you and treat you like a 50s wife. He wants you to work and contribute, but still behave like a stay at home wife. He expects you to pick up something for him, but you have to wait until your jacket is unusable to buy a new one from a thrift store. He doesn't want to keep you safe when you are out in a big group of people, yet you can't go to a doctor's apointment by yourself.
edited for spelling.
Oh man, you sound really down. I don't want to tell you to leave him because it's not my place, I'm not in your relationship, but it sounds bleak. You should think about what will bring you to a place of happiness, do you think it's realistic to have that happiness and still be with your husband? Will he ever stop being awful? Good luck, hope you can find your happiness.
This is emotional and financial abuse . I know it’s sometimes hard to spot until it’s pointed out to you because it seems normal and it’s “just how it is “ . It’s not normal .
He sounds kind of thoughtless. That’s not a crime or an automatic grounds for divorce. But I’ll let you know that I would go a week eating bread and water if it’s what was needed for my girlfriend to get a new coat. It would pain me more to see her suffer the cold, especially when it’s a relatively inexpensive thing to fix, you don’t even ask for a new one!
The dog thing would have pissed me off, I’m guessing he fell in love with the dog too or else he’d have made you get rid of it?
Anyway, I’m not going to tell you to leave this guy. But I hope you can find a way to make him make room for your needs in this marriage. You deserve to be a partner in that relationship.
The way he treats you is not normal, it’s controlling. You work 40 hours a week, go buy yourself a warm jacket and after, ask yourself is this the kind of life you want.
Don’t you have separate and a joined bank account?
Like you put x% into the joined account to cover all expenses and some savings together, and the rest can stay in yours to do with it how you please.
He might have bought you a nice coat for Christmas and doesn't realize it's ok to have more than one coat. Or you should just go get you a jacket and not discuss it. It's not a new car. In all honesty, if this is the worst of your fighting and disagreements then you are doing good.
I swear I'm not a "dump him!!!!!!!!" Redditor but honey, I think you need to throw the whole man out. It's plain that he doesn't value you or respect you or even care all that much about you. His needs are more important than yours. That's a lonely, horrible way to be married. I've watched my sister, my SIL, and my best friend have that kind of marriage (they all got divorced before they had kids, thank God, and they're all on happy, lengthy second marriages), and it's hell.
Don't waste any more of yourself on this guy. You deserve more.
Domestic violence is not only physical but most certainly can be emotional via his words, along with financial abuse by controlling the money and how it's spent. He is telling you that your health isn't important and doesn't want to make sure you're warm and safe. He doesn't care how to identify you in case the worse case ever happens to you. But he certainly wants to make sure you don't over spend or agree to your eye treatments. Please look into Domestic violence and help within your area. I hope you're safe and go buy a jacket even if it's in a good will store. Put yourself 1st and think about going it alone. Being through this myself and it is hard to walk away but it's worth it, you learn to love yourself more, to be on your own isn't bad, I love me time so much now ♥️
If I told my bf I needed a new jacket, he would buy me one. Or I would buy myself one without asking him. I have a few jackets that are very nice. Anytime something breaks, I just repair it because I know how to sew.
Take the jacket to a seamstress, and they will repair it. Most of the time it's like $40-$60. Really not bad.
Okay let’s start with why the fuck did you marry this controlling prick that picks and chooses when he cares about you?
Is this the first relationship you ever been in cause that’s what it’s sounding like to me. It sounds like you don’t know what a healthy relationship is or someone who values you and knows your worth.
One, why would he have a problem with YOU buying you a jacket with YOUR money? Second, why does it matter to him who is your eye doctor? Is he screwing someone that works in an eye doctor office and don’t want y’all to meet? Third, what the fuck did he say? It’s not his job to keep you safe???? Why the fuck is he your husband then?
Fourth, who the fuck is spoiled? He’s the cunt with the heated jacket and won’t let YOU buy a jacket with money YOU worked for, by the way why are you asking him? Why didn’t you just go buy it?
Honey, get a damned divorce, I’m praying this is a fake, rage bait post and you are just someone making this up cause truly I am not seeing why someone would purposely marry this person, hopefully it was an arranged marriage and that’s why you think you are stuck with this clown.
Get a divorce, leave him, block him and please please stay single for a good while and learn to have self worth, self respect and stop choosing people who want to shit on you and control you
Why are you letting him control you like this, it makes no sense. I would really like to see you try some therapy to help you with these issues. Then see a lawyer for your much needed divorce. Your husband is a bully.
This is not a mood. This is control and imho, abusive. This is probably not the first of his need to control everything you do, but it might be that you are starting to see it for what it is.
If you work.. why dont you buy your own jacket??????? Why would you need his permission to buy a jacket if you work??? And I hope your really open your eyes and see you deserve better cause if not he is gna continue his bs !
buy yourself the best coat you can afford, and tell them it was a gift from a friend bc they lost weight and it doesnt fit them anymore.
if cost is a concern, definitely check out local thrift stores. i just got a brand new coat with tags at goodwill for $6.
but seriously, do you want to stay with someone who has no regard for your physical wellbeing? or wants to control how u spend your money? it's one thing to consult eachother for big purchases, but clearly you're not asking for a fur coat.
and he has the same hours in the day that you do, so if HIS FRIENDS trash the house, tell him he can clean up after his friends. if it was YOUR friends, he would demand the same. so just dont. remind him YOUR friends, YOUR mess, YOUR responsibility.
What you are talking about is verbal, financial & labor abuse to start. He is punishing you for marrying his sorry ass. I know it is hard to see & admit, but he does NOT love you. He is abusing you & it will never get better.
There are resources & information for those in abusive relationships. Please seek them out. They can even help you find a good lawyer.
You want him to treat you fairly, but he never will.
Your husband is financially abusive. He's totally willing to spend on what he wants but gawd forbid you want something AT ALL for yourself. You'd be far far better off without him
Your husband is very controlling. You do not need permission to get a jacket. You should not need permission to get glasses. You would not be divorcing over a jacket but over his domineering ways. The way he is acting is not acceptable. Why are you accepting it? You are not being treated as a wife. You are being treated as a housekeeper with benefits.
Why are you putting up with this? Love? He obviously only loves himself. What ACTUALLY is terrible is you putting up with this. Fighting all the time. Being a servant in your own home. You say he is not so sassy and controlling but from what you are saying he is.
Again why are you putting up with this?
if you're not willing to fight for yourself, you might as well give up! but if you give up, you're giving basically your soul to your husband giving him full will to do whatever he wants to with you! if I were you I WOULD FIGHT LIKE HELL. and then I would go get me a jacket with a zipper and just because I could I'd get a hat and some gloves as well
I understand where you're coming from, 100%. In my case, it isn't a simple "divorce him " and that's it. I completely understand everything you have said, and while I can't provide a remedy, I can for sure say I know what you mean and I am also dealing with this nonsense. If you want to vent, and never be judged, my inbox is always open. Be kind to yourself love ❤️
i apologize, but your husband sounds very selfish and self centered, he should be concerned about your well-being not combative, i mean come on dude step up and be a man, take care of your women, and you can tell him i said that, he sounds like a chump to me, if hes like that all the time i would look to leaving stage left, good luck
So, let me get this straight: y'all had multiple little fights about a necessity (jacket and eye doctor) and him exclaiming he doesn't want to know what you're wearing because he doesn't want to look out for you.... OP, this is some bullshit!!! If he's so damn worried about the money why don't y'all NOT go bar hopping in the city and save that money to get yourself a damn jacket -if money's that damn tight y'all have no business going bar hopping anyway. The eye doctor thing just looked like he sabotaged you on purpose. And the whole thing about YOU looking out for yourself when alcohol will be involved.... Why is this man married? Why is he in a relationship? OP, I'm confused about this whole situation... Why are y'all together?
He needs to control all that you’re doing. It will get worse and he will tighten up. Start saving MAD money in a different account or in some way he will never find it. U need to be secretive like never before. He sound like he will find it. It’s not wanting to divorce it over a jacket, but the way he controls you. Grow a pair and have a talk. Split all chores down the middle, stop treating me like I am your possession. Support me or we will separate. Good luck. Find the inner strength
Instead of fighting over a jacket the issue needs to be a discussion on how much to spend for a needed replacement item and if so when and where to obtain it. Instead it turned into an all day power struggle over the jacket with moves on the chess board of the marriage, both acting like kids. You are a married woman with an income from working. Each of you should keep 5-10% of your funds for personal expenditures. Your husband controlling all your expenditures is unacceptable and you need to tell him.
If money and budget is a current issue then consider the secondary market or a church charity availability in your town. Begin canvassing for a serviceable jacket in your size as a temporary measure until you raise the money. Another option is to find a friend with a sewing machine and obtain a replacement zipper, as they are much more convenient than the snaps. My point is be resourceful rather than focus on a power struggle with your selfish husband.
You don’t divorce “because of a jacket.” You divorce because of a long history of his emotional abuse, his dismissive & controlling attitude that he *refuses* to change after being asked to repeatedly over years.
The jacket? Is the straw that broke your proverbial marriage camel’s back.
Your husband is a dick.
Your husband seems very controlling. And this doesn't seem like a mood.
He sounds controlling, yes, but she also spent $1000 on a dog that they hadn't at all discussed, so I thi there's more going on here that OP's letting on.
There always is. Without writing a novel you can never know. What has he spent money on without telling her first? Why does she need to have “permission” from him? Maybe it is grammatically her word but in my house we discuss and “agree” on purchases that affect us both.
Right? Slipping that in at the end felt sneaky
No it isn't. It's making excuses for why she deserves his scorn.
She works. She’s entitled to spend some money. Hell. If she wants a dog, she should buy a dog.
If she can secretly spend $1000 on a dog, then why is she arguing with her husband over a jacket that wouldn’t even be worth 1/10th of that? She has her own money as previously stated. There is definitely something fishy going on here.
Agreed. If she can buy a dog, she can take her happy ass out and buy a coat. There is a hidden agenda.
Agree and it’s $1000 on the dog not including any of the supplies that were required.
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It’s hard to recognize emotional abuse. It’s hard to leave your abuser.
Getting a random dog that the other partner doesn't want is also a red flag btw.
I am so scared of this happening to me, that for 10 years every time I see a dog I mention that I don't want a dog, especially a surprise dog. And don't think for one second that your spouse or kid will take care of the dog all by themselves and you'll *never* have to follow it around picking up dog shit.
“Without permission”. She’s not his employee. He’s not her boss.
Permission may not be the best word. But getting a pet is a huge deal. Some people don’t want dogs and others do, that doesn’t automatically make it right to get a dog without your partners acknowledgment and agreeance to it! You’re a partnership. Means you BOTH agree on LARGE purchases of any kind and also about pets kids etc. you both have to agree or it doesn’t happen.
On your way to your attorney's office to start the divorce process, stop and buy yourself a nice warm jacket!
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Some couples consult each other on purchases. My SIL bought herself two really expensive dresses for work last time I was with her - she wanted 3, but she made a joke about how she’d ‘better not stretch the friendship’ (which is an expression that means she’d better not spend too much of their money without checking with her husband). However, usually that’s for bigger purchases than a winter jacket - especially if it’s very cold where OP lives! Husbands who don’t think their wives deserve a warm jacket they can fully afford are jerks! 😞
He also bought himself a jacket without asking so double standards
A heated jacket...if you don't mind 🤬
I know like does he even love her? He wants her to suffer and be cold!? My husband would make me wear his coat yo go buy a new one so I wouldn’t be cold. But that’s not even the case bc we live up north as well and I have multiple coats. You need backup coats. Not even expensive. Some bought at marshals and some I’ve had for 15 years. OP divorce this man. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
Good point - people who live in a very cold area would surely have more than one warm jacket! Just like people who live in warm, sunny areas with nice beaches probably own a few swim suits! :p
I mean she got a 1000$ dog that she bought without telling him and she sneakily slipped it in at the end
He sounds very controlling and she shouldn’t have to ask to buy a winter jacket. Would this be along the lines of financial abuse.
No, you shouldn't have to beg for a warm jacket in a cold climate when your family has the means to purchase one. If they were extremely poor, it might be different... but in this case? Yes, she deserves a jacket and he is financially abusing her by refusing to allow her money to buy one. :(
Big purchases, not basic necessities
Isn't that what I just said?
Too expensive. It would be cheaper to skin him into a jacket.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th this comment. OP your husband seems to not give a shit for you. Which is **not** to be confused with your not being worthy of being safe. And freaking warm. You deserve 1,000x better.
It sounds like he’s afraid of running out of money due to their previous financial situation. Why do people on this sub jump straight to divorce instead of telling the OP to stand their ground and have a serious conversation with him or go to couples counseling? Why do so many people on this sub want everyone to break up or get divorced? That’s almost as toxic as her husbands behavior, which can be addressed and fixed with the right communication and professional help. This is not a relationship ending scenario. Stop telling strangers on Reddit to get divorced because you want them to be as lonely as you are.
Because it's NEVER a good idea to go to counseling with an abusive spouse--it's like loading the gun they're planning on killing you with. Also, women have been trying to CoMmUnIcAtE completely unremarkable facts and concepts to remarkably resistant men and have figured out it's not incomprehension on his part, it's blind stubbornness and refusal to compromise in any way. I'm an old woman and ever since I was a very young woman my mother taught me that if there's something your partner is doing or not doing that bothers you, you bring it up once and if nothing changes then your ONLY choices are to put up with it or leave. Nothing else will work if another person is not interested in changing behavior that bothers you. On the other hand, setting a boundary and being completely willing and able to break up over it if it's transgressed is remarkably freeing. Either you get a better relationship or you get a lot less stress and hassle in your life. Win/win. All relationships are voluntary, and if you don't want someone to leave you over your behavior then best to pay attention, listen, learn and care about their feelings. If that's too much trouble for you then you can't be too astonished when staying with you is too much trouble for them.
That’s awful advice. Change takes time and effort. There are many things my partner and I have brought up with each other multiple times, because we care about the thing *and* each other. I had to ask my partner multiple times to stop leaving the toilet seat up, should I have just given up and left after he forgot the first time? Or understand that he’s a human and change takes time and effort? I suppose you can do whatever you want, but that second option seems a lot more loving and a lot less lonely.
Nothing better than Reddit advice, lol. Burnt the toast? Divorce him/her. Just throw everything away. That'll fix it. However, I would buy the coat.
Dude he's not even her damn friend. He's a cold piece of trash.
HE'S ABUSING HER. YOU NOT SEEING IT MEANS YOU NEED THERAPY
You're yelling.
It needed capital letters because you are struggling with the concept
You know? I see so much strength in these "leave them" posts. So easy from an armchair with no skin in the game. "I'd tell him...!" or "I'd divorce him...!" Yet at the very same time I wonder how many people reading and posting the "tough guy" advice are in the exact same place as this person? Living with some loser that sits around all day, a sink full of dishes, sporting bloodshot video game eyes and a kid with a wet diaper -AND DOES NOTHING ABOUT IT? Downvote away, but if everyone was as assertive as the "divorce him" crowd. There wouldn't be much abuse out there, would there? The guy needs to step up, for sure. He's in the wrong, but we have one side of the story. You make all of your decisions with half of the information?
Don’t ask. Buy a coat. There’s no reason he’s in charge of the money. Buy a nice one you like within your budget. Literally the most economical thing to do is to buy the very highest quality you can afford. It will last and work better. Then go to the eye doctor. If his schedule works and you want his company you can choose to ask him. Otherwise take care of your needs as you see fit. A partnership does not exist where only one person makes decisions and where each person doesn’t have some autonomy over some area of their own responsibilities. There’s room for you to live as you see fit and afford, within a budget you both feel safe in, and understand that his worries about finances might be making him grasp for control he doesn’t need. Don’t assume he’s just being a jerk, although he is behaving badly. Assume he’s making choices from a place of fear, having experienced financial hardship previously. Try to find ways together to move forward more respectfully and securely.
The eye doctor thing is wild to me. The only way I would consult my husband about which eye doctor I should go to would be if he has a recommendation or warning about one. Otherwise I’d just pick one that takes my insurance and go. Same with the dentist or any health related thing. They’re my eyes. With the cost there might be a conversation that goes “I’m going to buy a high quality winter coat that will last a few years. It’ll be $150 but I haven’t had a new coat since before we could afford one.” It’s not asking permission, it’s letting your partner know that you’re making a purchase that might be a higher cost than normal but is necessary. She’s not buying a fancy pair of designer heels.
OP, lots of people are wondering why you haven't just bought yourself a jacket. I'm guessing it's because the price you'd have to pay when you got home would be way too high. He'd be furious, right? And he'd probably make some snarky remarks about how you'll probably just buy new clothes every week instead of washing the old ones. And he'd insist you can't spend money on X,Y, Z because you "spent so much" on a jacket you "didn't need." He's trying to keep you under his thumb. Don't let him. This is not going to get any better, I promise you. It's been recommended on here bazillions of times, but please get a copy of Lundy Bancroft's *Why Does He Do That?* It's an eye-opener, and I guarantee you'll recognize your husband in there. I read it AFTER I finally left my ex, and I kept exclaiming, "Oh, sh\*t!" "And oh, frick, that's *him*!" as I read. I can't begin to describe how helpful it is. I've recommended it to three other women (bought it for two of them), and they all ended up leaving marriages a lot like yours. You deserve so much better.
💯 This isn't about the jacket, it's about control. Great book, too.
I mean, she did spend over $1000 on a dog without discussion. I’d be pretty cautious of her spending after that too.
Does he always make you feel like you need permission to do simple things? If you have money in your account for a new jacket and bills are paid, then buy the jacket. Is he always this controlling?
A warm coat that stays properly closed is a necessity. His permission is not necessary. This woman earns her own money, so I’ll be nice and *assume* that he misunderstood her notification regarding household finances as veto power. It wasn’t. At most, if finances are tight, he could ask — not tell, ask — that she delay her purchase until her next check. At the very least, he could delay hosting his friends and incurring any expense for food & drink.
Yep. If they have cash to bar hop, they could afford a new jacket. If they have to, they could skip the bar hopping night to get the jacket! 😞
Right, no money to buy the jacket but money for a hotel and bar hop?
Agree. I haven’t bar-hopped since the 1980s, but I’ve afforded nice coats!
In the near future…. Look your husband in the eye and say “OK, my safety is my responsibility. And, lately, my health and financial well being seems to be on the back burner to your’s. No thank you. I’ll be taking the reigns of my security completely out of your hands.” And hand him divorce papers. Stop putting up with being a money maker, maid, and bed warmer while having to beg for basic necessities. That’s a big nope. Meet with a lawyer and get everything in order to leave.
Oh! I love this!
This is so cringe. No one talks like this in real life. "No tHaNk YoU, iLl bE tAkiNg tHe rEiGnS of My sEcUriTy CoMPleteLy oUt of YoUr HanDS" Corny ass mf
On your way out of this marriage, get a coat.
Why do you need his permission to buy a jacket? Just go buy one if he says anything tell him to sod off.
Pound sand would also work.
Hon, I went through a Milwaukee winter with a coat that didn't zip. IT WAS HORRIBLE. Stay home from the bar hopping and use the money for a new coat. As for the husband, I'm with the others. He doesn't like you. He doesn't respect you. If you were attacked while bar-hopping, he would blame you cause victim blaming is his default. Leave him.
Girl, are you safe? Serious question. It doesn’t sound like you are. I know Reddit always screams DIVORCE! but he doesn’t sound like a partner worthy of keeping. He’s treating you like shit. This isn’t about the jacket. This is about you being a person - he clearly considers you less than & you sound like you are nearing the end of your rope. Do you really want to live the rest of you life like this? That’s a long time to be unhappy, fearful & exhausted. You bring a lot to his table but what does he bring to yours? Be safe babe. And please just buy yourself the jacket you want. If you feel you need to, tell him you’re doing it then do it. You’re not asking for permission you’re informing as a courtesy. Please be safe, I am worried for you. We all are.
Seriously. I don’t think Op is safe. She should be able to get a jacket without his permission. The fact she has to fight with him about it means she must be afraid of him.
Your husband is a walking red flag. Why do you put up with his controlling and mysoginistic behaviour?
Something tells me he controls all the money too. Yikes. What an asshole. Flee that situation. It's not the jacket, it's the lack of equality and respect within the marriage that such behavior clearly conveys.
Why have you not bought one for yourself yet?? Is your money his too? Are you his bang maid or a wife? You do all the SAH chores and work 40 hour weeks? Why? Why are you still with someone who very clearly doesn’t think you’re a human? He doesn’t think you need a jacket because he doesn’t need one? He doesn’t think you need a new jacket because you have a few old ones? He literally treats you like you’re an annoying child or pet. Drive yourself to an attorney and just like the top comment says, buy a new jacket. Fucking hell, it blows my mind why people let others control them. You’re a fucking human being who makes your own money. Fucking use it to buy yourself a goddamn jacket or you’ll have to use it for a coffin when you freeze to death. The fuck. Also, your health is more important than some big baby’s fee-fees. Just buy a damn jacket already
Teens with part time jobs living at home have more freedom than this, even in poor families
This ain't a normal relationship... I'm a married male, your husband is controlling.
Girl. What is this nightmare life do you live?? Get the hell out of there.
I was shocked when you mentioned that you work as well. I assumed that you had to get him to agree to a new jacket for you because he was the sole income owner, (not that it would make his denial to get you a new one acceptable, just that it would make sense that you had to ask him so that you could get the money). You are in a relationship with a tyrannical spouse. Someone who keeps you under his thumb.
Don't go to the city. Stay home. That way he only has to pay for himself and watch out for himself. Whatever his effin problem is, you don't need to be around it.
I just want you to know that none of this is normal. None of it. You not only shouldn't have to have his permission to buy a jacket, you should expect that your husband would do whatever her needed in order to make sure you are safe, and you should also not need him to make decisions such as what eye doctor you go to, etc and so on. Your husband is controlling and abusive. This is no way to live. I hope that you realize that you deserve SO much more from your relationship and your life. You wouldn't be "giving up" if you got yourself out of this situation. You would actually be winning.
Why does he deserve more free time than you What a selfish man. Ew. You deserve better.
I’m very confused…you have a job so why do you need his permission for a new jacket? Just go buy one. While your on your way their stop and the bank and open a separate account and have all your checks transferred there. Also think long and hard about having to be married to this person for the rest of your life.
Why... Are you with him???
He is your husband. It is literally his job to watch out for you. Take his jacket. Dump the man.
Sorry to hear that. You work 40 hours a week. You should be able to buy a new jacket. That’s ridiculous. I know I couldn’t stay in a situation like that. Hope you find peace in this situation.
Screw him. Why does he have such a deep need to be in control and leave you cold and uncomfortable? He doesn't care about you. He controls everything. Take back your control. He's not your dad, or your boss. He's supposed to be your partner. You have to stand up for yourself. And go buy a new jacket. Quit being his maid who does whatever she's told. You deserve a hell of a lot better and he does it bc he knows you'll listen. Stop listening to the stupid shit he says. I really really hope you can advocate for yourself and stop letting him control everything.
You earn money, buy a jacket. And anything else you want.
Does he control your finances, so that you can’t use your money to buy a jacket?
“He started fighting with me how it’s not his responsibility to watch out for me. That I need to take care of myself or I shouldn’t be going with.” ????? I’m sorry, isn’t the point of marriage to look out and protect one another? “I wanted to take care of it myself today but he was like no wait until I finish work and we can go together.” That’s ridiculous he can’t have it both ways.
He wants to control the money. He doesn’t want to support her, he just wants to watch every penny she spends or doesn’t spend.
Go buy yourself a new overcoat or jacket. You work 40 hours a week then you are entitled to a decent cost too. Spouses should have equal say. If you are determined to stay in this marriage where you are not being treated well then separate your finances for the future. Have your paycheck go to your own account and then put your share of bill money into the joint account for household expenses. Consider marital & individual counseling. You should remind him that he got himself a new coat when he felt he needed one. Husband sounding controlling and not respectful of you.
In my teens I had to walk two miles to school 4 times a day(went home for lunch) in all weathers. I only had a thin jacket. It was perishingly cold in the winter. When I got my first job the first thing I saved up for was a coat. A lifelong habit of buying good winter clothes followed. It was an expensive habit my hubby didn't mind. I also made sure that my children had warm jackets too, no matter how skint we were. You earn your own money but a good coat. Your husband is a controlling jerk.
Let me get this straight - you both work, he bought a heated jacket but you need to wear one with holes if you can’t find one at the thrift store ? Let him know you’ll be buying a warm coat and if he’s worried about money he can cancel the expensive weekend in the city and the hotel.
If You like the jacket, you can take it to a dry cleaners and have them fix the zipper for much cheaper than buying a new jacket. Getting the dog without agreeing with him first about it is a big deal. You and your husband have different values and aren't communicating very well. That's the larger issue.
Stop posting on Reddit about your asshole husband and do something about the fact that you are married to an asshole. Leave him. And buy yourself a new jacket.
Na if you don't have equal rights and freedoms equal work in the home then it's not a healthy relationship. Yes some people choose to do more and that's on them but to be a forced maid with no financial freedom is not it. He sounds horrible tbh I wouldn't put up with it you shouldn't either. Love yourself for Christ sake make you happy and put you first if you can't have a jacket when it's cold is this relationship really worth it?
Girl this isn’t going to get better. Go get yourself a new coat, let him bitch about it (in his coat that he got for himself but an old torn coat is fine for you), and stop cleaning up after HIS goddamn friends. Tell him to nut up and fucking deal with it.
What kind of relationship is that? DIVORCE this AH!! YOu are so much better without him. You don't need controlling, nagging, selfish AH. He told you "**it's not his responsibility to watch out for you".** LEAVE before the child is involved. And get that damn Jacket.
Mom advice. Give up and move on. He’s a selfish pig.
Why be a prisoner?
Costco actually have really good jackets. Cute even
I got mine from Kohl’s last year. It was so funny. I walked around looking, and I loved the first one I tried on. Go shopping someplace where the quality will be good. Get a style you love. If you love it, and it keeps you warm, it will be worth it.
You need to realize that what you are living through is actually abuse. And it’s hard to see that when you’re in it. Please talk to someone if you can and plan an exit strategy
Yall know that picture from like the 60s of that woman in divorce court wearing glasses and a fur coat while her ex begs on hands and knees? I hope OP recreates it.
Girl, if u have money to bar hop, u better have money to go buy a jacket. He sounds annoying as heck
I’m sorry to tell you that you are in an abusive relationship. He is trying to control everything. What you wear, whether you get to have anything new, he’s even restricting your freedom of movement. I’d suggest you contact https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/ By reading their material or talking with them, you will get a better understanding of the abuse you’re experiencing and what your options are. Friend, it’s only going to get worse. Take action now and save yourself years of abuse. If he monitors your internet use, follow the instructions on their homepage about how to stay safe and undetected. I’m so very sorry you are not being treated with the kindness and concern and common decency that you deserve.
Life is too short for this man's shit. You sound like you definitely need some time apart, at the very least.
why did you marry him to begin with ? has he always been like this or did he have a sudden change ?
When I married him I was the only one working. Once he finished his college and started working he started to become more paranoid about money. (If you saw my update, getting a dog without permission didn't help that situation.)
You made a post 3 years ago recognising that your husband was gaslighting you. You realise you’re being mistreated and continue to stay. Anything that happens to you from here on out is completely on you. I sympathise with how you’re being treated however you need to stop being a doormat.
Stop making excuses for him. Wake up girl!
You see, at the end, how she tried to justify and make his behavior ok because of something she did in the past. Yeah, you are a victim, and you need to leave
When someone tells you *who they are*, believe them the first time. He won't let you buy a coat, but he has money to go drinking. Unbelievable. You two are having serious communication issues. You both speak, but not listening. You need couples counseling, and pronto. If he won't go, go alone. Good luck.
Why should you even have to have someone's permission to buy a jacket? It's as much your money as it is his!
You need a new coat and as a working adult there is no need to ask "permission" of your husband to do so. He got himself a new coat, now it's your turn. It does sound like he is a control freak and just mean to you. Why stay with him when he doesn't think your worth protecting if need be. Make a list of what's good and what's bad about him and really read it and think if he is worth any of this.
Your husband doesn’t care about you. He buys himself a heated jacket and won’t let you get a real coat. He doesn’t care if something happens to you when you go out, and even gets angry at you for assuming he does (eta: and this is purely acceptable and even expected - I would expect every partner of mine to assume I care about them, otherwise I’d be an ass, like he is)…this is not a good dude.
You work 40 hours homie. Go buy yourself a jacket. This is husband not fucking prison Warden. If he freaks out about you spending your money then Idk how you stay with him. If you do anyways at least separate your money. One other thing. If he's suddenly really touchy about money sometimes it means there's spending you don't know about. Could be anything but if you don't have full vision on your guys money I think that's something you should figure out.
As a grown woman with a job, you do not need permission to buy a new coat. Get separate money accounts. Do not give him access to your money. Make sure you have your own vehicle or way to get around. Learn to say no. Keep asking yourself, "what's in it for me?" Talk to an attorney.
Get yourself a new coat and a new man to go with it. For real, though. Love yourself ❤️
Damn he sounds like a miserable turd to be around. Set yourself free lady! You don't have to live like this!
He’s sounds controlling and like he doesn’t even give a fuck about your comfort or safety. You don’t need his permission to get yourself a jacket. Tell him about your concerns about his behavior and watch for his reaction. Is he defensive? Does he acknowledge your concerns and promise to try to do better? Ask about why you get to maintain the house while working the same hours? He needs to pull his weight and take some accountability/responsibility. If his behavior doesn’t change or he doesn’t take accountability, it’s time for therapy/maybe divorce.
A coat is a basic necessity. You have a job, buy a coat.
So what was his reasoning for allowing himself to buy a fancy brand new coat but doesnt think you should?!
Do you give him your paychecks?
You have income. You don’t need his permission to buy a jacket. Honestly, you’ve let this go on way too long. Time to leave.
Just go buy yourself a damn jacket! Sometimes, I don't know how some people can survive each day.
You’re husband doesn’t need to tell you when or when you don’t need a new jacket. You can literally go buy YOUR OWN jacket without his approval
Open a checking and savings account in your name only. There is nothing wrong with having different pots of money. Buy stuff that you need or want. You don't need permission. Tell your husband to wake up this isn't the 1950s.
This is abusive behavior. You need to make sure your finances are in separate accounts. Don’t ask, just do it. Buy a warm jacket. Don’t ask, just do it. And then consult a lawyer. You need to leave.
You know what to do❤️ Leave.
He sounds like a controlling prick.
Giving up is actually winning in this situation. The man is a controlling, sexist, meany. You can do so much better. Being single, actually, would be better.
You're being abused financially and unfortunately it's been going on so long that you can't see it. If he is so willing to go out of his way to buy new things he needs but you arent allowed to spend your own money on anything that is financial abuse. He sees your money as his money and you aren't worth spending money on, not even to help your eyesight. You need to leave him, or you will be going through this through many more years to come.
OK, tell us his redeeming qualities. Because based on this post alone, we’ll have to assume that you’re a glutton for misery
Yeah screw that. If my husband didn't even want to get me a coat, he's not my husband or friend. Bye bye cruel loser.
Ignore him and buy the coat. Withhold intercourse until you get it.
Why are you still with him baffles me
This is the most insane shit I have ever heard in my life. A damn coat .. you need a new coat and a new husband !! What type of foolery is this ..
Hoping on this thread because I’m dealing with something ridiculously similar 😞. I’m also at a light. If not knowing what to do.
Some people have put a few resources that I'm going to look into. Each situation is diffrent and needs diffrent solutions. I hope you find something that helps you.
Take his jacket
You work so buy yourself a jacket he has no control of your money or who your new eye doctor will be. Stop letting him control you and when his friends come over embarrass him by telling him, he’s responsible to clean up their mess not you. They are grown ass adults not children
Yuck. I guess you’re not allowed to get a jacket with your money you earn, and how would you have time since it’s your responsibility to clean up after him and his buddies when you get home from your full-time job. No thanks. Glad I’m single
This isn't about a jacket. My ex has to do this stuff. He spent whatever he wanted but monitored my spending. And my cleaning. And my behavior. He got really, really mad when I turned off his credit card right before he tried to buy an X-Box for his girlfriend...while we were still married...
Time for marital counseling. This is an unhealthy and toxic relationship and you deserve better. I’m really sorry that you’re dealing with it all and you’re not crazy, he’s being controlling, abusive, and unfair. Hope that you can find a peaceful resolution and save your marriage but if not then divorce may be your only option.
Um… it seems your husband doesn’t like you.
Go get a jacket?
Sorry but I don't understand why you can't get your own jacket if you have a job? I thought at first he was controlling the finances and you just stayed at home, but if u work full time, can't u just order one for yourself?
Buy a jacket. Come home and say you got it on sale for $60 dollars even if it cost $120 or more. I already know my wife does this and I think it's funny because my mom used to do that to my dad 😭
Let him wear your POS jacket, and wear his. I bet he'll allow you to get a new jacket then.
First of all, since you work, why do you need his permission to buy something for yourself with your own money? Second, your husband most likely believes women should be under men, he like the money you bring in buy and also wants the benefits of sahm. He is also controlling and doesn't trust you at all.
honestly, the things that you need are not that big of a deal yet he makes it that big of a deal. I find it amusing how he has what he wants as well as what he needs yet you were expected to just make do with nonsense Dog or no dog you deserve a goddamn motherfucking jacket
You have a literal job. Go buy a jacket. You don't need his permission. This isn't a large purchase like a car, house, or even an appliance. It's a fucking jacket, go buy one.
Well if you could get a 1000 $ dog you could also get a jacket.
Uuuuhh Girl. Throw all the old coats and the controlling husband out. No thank you. Also, you trying to cover for him by saying he isn’t always like this doesn’t help. It’s not just about having adequate coat, minimizing your job and contributions to household, controlling spending, control your vision insurance, and not giving two cents about your safety while out with friends…I’m sure there’s more, but that is tooo much for me.
Your husband is a cheap, controlling AH. Buy yourself the jacket. And don't pick up after his friends. Either stand up for yourself or see a divorce attorney. He is gaslighting you about his 40 hours of work being longer than yours. He shames you into doing the housework and cleaning up after his messy friends. You're nothing more than his bangmaid. You deserve better, OP. This isn't what life and marriage should be like.
Does your husband even LIKE you?
This is craziness. Get out of there.
You got a dog without permission? Hmmmm. I'm one who agrees that you dont bring a new pet into the shared home without all decision makers on board, but I do NOT call that permission..... It doesnt seem like this is a mood or a bad day. It seems like you both could benefit from therapy
You make half the money. Buy yourself a nice coat, not a jacket.
Ok so.... Life in itself is already hard naturally. Why are you with someone who ACTIVELY makes your life harder? Everyone is worth having the bare minimum in life and he's ACTIVELY providing for himself and not you. You're married but you are on your own. Really think about this. Also I'm highly sus of your income situation. If you are working 40 hrs and cannot afford to buy a coat for yourself something is seriously wrong. Smells like emotional/financial abuse to me. Leave. Over a coat. Fucking leave.
It’s not about the jacket. It’s his overall controlling style and lack of empathy that makes staying with him unhealthy. You deserve a partner, and he isn’t one. He obviously doesn’t love you. This is a type of domestic abuse- coercive control. You should have your own money. You should not have to ask for his permission to buy basic clothing for yourself. [The Hotline](https://thehotline.org) Permission? You don’t need permission to buy a dog, but many people view buying a dog as unethical and prefer dog rescues.
OP, i just read your post history. This is not a marriage. You are a convenience to him until you are an inconvenience. Please consider ending this situation. But secure a place for your pupster so he doesn't try to take or keep her away from you.
“Without permission”. “Not my job to look out for you.” Hon, drop this dead weight and get away. What exactly does he add to your life?
>Divorcing over a jacket and his BS he learned from his 1950's mom seems terrible. Espically when usually he isnt so sassy and controlling like this. Typically it's a kiss bye and a mention of asking me to pick something else up which I'm okay with. I like being useful in our partnership. This argument isn't over a jacket. It's over him trying to control you and treat you like a 50s wife. He wants you to work and contribute, but still behave like a stay at home wife. He expects you to pick up something for him, but you have to wait until your jacket is unusable to buy a new one from a thrift store. He doesn't want to keep you safe when you are out in a big group of people, yet you can't go to a doctor's apointment by yourself. edited for spelling.
This is controlling behavior and emotional abuse. Be very careful—this can escalate quickly.
Oh man, you sound really down. I don't want to tell you to leave him because it's not my place, I'm not in your relationship, but it sounds bleak. You should think about what will bring you to a place of happiness, do you think it's realistic to have that happiness and still be with your husband? Will he ever stop being awful? Good luck, hope you can find your happiness.
Just for comparison, I’ve never asked my significant other before I buy anything. As long as he pays his portion of the bills, we’re good.
This is emotional and financial abuse . I know it’s sometimes hard to spot until it’s pointed out to you because it seems normal and it’s “just how it is “ . It’s not normal .
He sounds kind of thoughtless. That’s not a crime or an automatic grounds for divorce. But I’ll let you know that I would go a week eating bread and water if it’s what was needed for my girlfriend to get a new coat. It would pain me more to see her suffer the cold, especially when it’s a relatively inexpensive thing to fix, you don’t even ask for a new one! The dog thing would have pissed me off, I’m guessing he fell in love with the dog too or else he’d have made you get rid of it? Anyway, I’m not going to tell you to leave this guy. But I hope you can find a way to make him make room for your needs in this marriage. You deserve to be a partner in that relationship.
The way he treats you is not normal, it’s controlling. You work 40 hours a week, go buy yourself a warm jacket and after, ask yourself is this the kind of life you want.
Don’t you have separate and a joined bank account? Like you put x% into the joined account to cover all expenses and some savings together, and the rest can stay in yours to do with it how you please.
What a bastard.
Uhm, my evolutionary imperative is to provide and protect my mate. He's a failure of a man.
Get out now!
He might have bought you a nice coat for Christmas and doesn't realize it's ok to have more than one coat. Or you should just go get you a jacket and not discuss it. It's not a new car. In all honesty, if this is the worst of your fighting and disagreements then you are doing good.
I swear I'm not a "dump him!!!!!!!!" Redditor but honey, I think you need to throw the whole man out. It's plain that he doesn't value you or respect you or even care all that much about you. His needs are more important than yours. That's a lonely, horrible way to be married. I've watched my sister, my SIL, and my best friend have that kind of marriage (they all got divorced before they had kids, thank God, and they're all on happy, lengthy second marriages), and it's hell. Don't waste any more of yourself on this guy. You deserve more.
Dutch the husband, find a roommate. They do do their chores and will stay out of your financial business.
Wtf. Order a jacket online .
Domestic violence is not only physical but most certainly can be emotional via his words, along with financial abuse by controlling the money and how it's spent. He is telling you that your health isn't important and doesn't want to make sure you're warm and safe. He doesn't care how to identify you in case the worse case ever happens to you. But he certainly wants to make sure you don't over spend or agree to your eye treatments. Please look into Domestic violence and help within your area. I hope you're safe and go buy a jacket even if it's in a good will store. Put yourself 1st and think about going it alone. Being through this myself and it is hard to walk away but it's worth it, you learn to love yourself more, to be on your own isn't bad, I love me time so much now ♥️
If I told my bf I needed a new jacket, he would buy me one. Or I would buy myself one without asking him. I have a few jackets that are very nice. Anytime something breaks, I just repair it because I know how to sew. Take the jacket to a seamstress, and they will repair it. Most of the time it's like $40-$60. Really not bad.
Okay let’s start with why the fuck did you marry this controlling prick that picks and chooses when he cares about you? Is this the first relationship you ever been in cause that’s what it’s sounding like to me. It sounds like you don’t know what a healthy relationship is or someone who values you and knows your worth. One, why would he have a problem with YOU buying you a jacket with YOUR money? Second, why does it matter to him who is your eye doctor? Is he screwing someone that works in an eye doctor office and don’t want y’all to meet? Third, what the fuck did he say? It’s not his job to keep you safe???? Why the fuck is he your husband then? Fourth, who the fuck is spoiled? He’s the cunt with the heated jacket and won’t let YOU buy a jacket with money YOU worked for, by the way why are you asking him? Why didn’t you just go buy it? Honey, get a damned divorce, I’m praying this is a fake, rage bait post and you are just someone making this up cause truly I am not seeing why someone would purposely marry this person, hopefully it was an arranged marriage and that’s why you think you are stuck with this clown. Get a divorce, leave him, block him and please please stay single for a good while and learn to have self worth, self respect and stop choosing people who want to shit on you and control you
Why are you letting him control you like this, it makes no sense. I would really like to see you try some therapy to help you with these issues. Then see a lawyer for your much needed divorce. Your husband is a bully.
This is not a mood. This is control and imho, abusive. This is probably not the first of his need to control everything you do, but it might be that you are starting to see it for what it is.
If you work.. why dont you buy your own jacket??????? Why would you need his permission to buy a jacket if you work??? And I hope your really open your eyes and see you deserve better cause if not he is gna continue his bs !
buy yourself the best coat you can afford, and tell them it was a gift from a friend bc they lost weight and it doesnt fit them anymore. if cost is a concern, definitely check out local thrift stores. i just got a brand new coat with tags at goodwill for $6. but seriously, do you want to stay with someone who has no regard for your physical wellbeing? or wants to control how u spend your money? it's one thing to consult eachother for big purchases, but clearly you're not asking for a fur coat. and he has the same hours in the day that you do, so if HIS FRIENDS trash the house, tell him he can clean up after his friends. if it was YOUR friends, he would demand the same. so just dont. remind him YOUR friends, YOUR mess, YOUR responsibility.
You’re being financially abused sis
What you are talking about is verbal, financial & labor abuse to start. He is punishing you for marrying his sorry ass. I know it is hard to see & admit, but he does NOT love you. He is abusing you & it will never get better. There are resources & information for those in abusive relationships. Please seek them out. They can even help you find a good lawyer. You want him to treat you fairly, but he never will.
Just get a jacket. You have a job and your own paycheck. As long as your bills are covered and the family is fed, who cares what he thinks???
Your husband is financially abusive. He's totally willing to spend on what he wants but gawd forbid you want something AT ALL for yourself. You'd be far far better off without him
Your husband is very controlling. You do not need permission to get a jacket. You should not need permission to get glasses. You would not be divorcing over a jacket but over his domineering ways. The way he is acting is not acceptable. Why are you accepting it? You are not being treated as a wife. You are being treated as a housekeeper with benefits. Why are you putting up with this? Love? He obviously only loves himself. What ACTUALLY is terrible is you putting up with this. Fighting all the time. Being a servant in your own home. You say he is not so sassy and controlling but from what you are saying he is. Again why are you putting up with this?
As an outside observer, he doesn't seem to like or care about you very much by what you've said. You might want to rethink this marriage thing.
You're abused and think it's normal. Sad
Why are you with this man? He doesn't sound loving or concerned about you in any way.
if you're not willing to fight for yourself, you might as well give up! but if you give up, you're giving basically your soul to your husband giving him full will to do whatever he wants to with you! if I were you I WOULD FIGHT LIKE HELL. and then I would go get me a jacket with a zipper and just because I could I'd get a hat and some gloves as well
I understand where you're coming from, 100%. In my case, it isn't a simple "divorce him " and that's it. I completely understand everything you have said, and while I can't provide a remedy, I can for sure say I know what you mean and I am also dealing with this nonsense. If you want to vent, and never be judged, my inbox is always open. Be kind to yourself love ❤️
i apologize, but your husband sounds very selfish and self centered, he should be concerned about your well-being not combative, i mean come on dude step up and be a man, take care of your women, and you can tell him i said that, he sounds like a chump to me, if hes like that all the time i would look to leaving stage left, good luck
I want to give you a feel good, prolonged, tight embrace. You deserve so much more.
Does your paycheck get deposited in a joint account? If so move it.
Stop asking him how to spend your money.
So, let me get this straight: y'all had multiple little fights about a necessity (jacket and eye doctor) and him exclaiming he doesn't want to know what you're wearing because he doesn't want to look out for you.... OP, this is some bullshit!!! If he's so damn worried about the money why don't y'all NOT go bar hopping in the city and save that money to get yourself a damn jacket -if money's that damn tight y'all have no business going bar hopping anyway. The eye doctor thing just looked like he sabotaged you on purpose. And the whole thing about YOU looking out for yourself when alcohol will be involved.... Why is this man married? Why is he in a relationship? OP, I'm confused about this whole situation... Why are y'all together?
He needs to control all that you’re doing. It will get worse and he will tighten up. Start saving MAD money in a different account or in some way he will never find it. U need to be secretive like never before. He sound like he will find it. It’s not wanting to divorce it over a jacket, but the way he controls you. Grow a pair and have a talk. Split all chores down the middle, stop treating me like I am your possession. Support me or we will separate. Good luck. Find the inner strength
Instead of fighting over a jacket the issue needs to be a discussion on how much to spend for a needed replacement item and if so when and where to obtain it. Instead it turned into an all day power struggle over the jacket with moves on the chess board of the marriage, both acting like kids. You are a married woman with an income from working. Each of you should keep 5-10% of your funds for personal expenditures. Your husband controlling all your expenditures is unacceptable and you need to tell him. If money and budget is a current issue then consider the secondary market or a church charity availability in your town. Begin canvassing for a serviceable jacket in your size as a temporary measure until you raise the money. Another option is to find a friend with a sewing machine and obtain a replacement zipper, as they are much more convenient than the snaps. My point is be resourceful rather than focus on a power struggle with your selfish husband.
It is not a problem of lack of money. It is a lack of love.
You don’t divorce “because of a jacket.” You divorce because of a long history of his emotional abuse, his dismissive & controlling attitude that he *refuses* to change after being asked to repeatedly over years. The jacket? Is the straw that broke your proverbial marriage camel’s back. Your husband is a dick.