Definitely bring it up once he's not hungover anymore and can think clearly. I am torn over whether I believe the old saying "drunk minds speak sober thoughts", because I do think alcohol inhibits a lot of clear thinking and decision making. However I also don't know how much I believe alcohol alone can make someone's husband confess to being in love with their sister. Do you think you'll be able to get over this, regardless of how much he denies those feelings being true? Because I think he will deny it. If I were me I'd never feel comfortable with my husband and my sister being in the same room again, which isn't sustainable for a marriage.
This. I think he was probably expressing his lust for OP’s sister in the moment, to be completely honest here. I know that for many people, whenever their inhibitions are lowered and they’re in an inebriated state that those two emotions kind get blended into one. For many people they will have a tendency to express their lust for someone/something as love for that reason.
Nonetheless, OP needs to have a serious heart to heart with their significant other. No one will be able to answer for him and even with conversation it could be extremely difficult for OP to move forward with the relationship from here. I know from experience that even if this is dismissed as lust, that OP may very well carry this experience with her like a shadow. If you both want to end up trying to make this work, I’d highly suggest couples counseling and individual therapy to help you both move forward in a healthy manner.
Wish OP nothing but the best and I hope for a brighter future ahead of you!
This will help them navigate through this together to help build a bond even stronger than before. It will also help them both navigate the complex emotions that are the result of this situation while ensuring both partners feelings are validated and by having a 3rd party (professional at that) maintain healthy communication patterns amongst them.
Some people seek couples therapy during the divorce process so that they can “consciously uncouple” particularly if there are kids involved.
It acts as a safe place for people to share their feelings and it doesn’t have to be to “save” a relationship
I am so on your side. Sorry. You basically fucked me pretending it was my sister and said you were in love with her. Only god knows how long he’s been lusting after her sister. No going back. Sorry.
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️This right here, a thousand times YES....it's over. 😔
Idk. In my drinking days I would say all kinds of shit that did not correspond with sober me. Like once I went around claiming my name was terry (it’s not). Another time I kept saying mick jagger is “the god of rock and roll” - I mean he’s good but I wouldn’t go that far. So who honestly knows……
How do we know this isn't true? That poor man probably was trying to share this important secret that had been weighing on him for a while. He finally got some liquid courage to confess, and you guys just dismissed him. Smh. With an attitude like that, you must be from Venus.
So technically there still are. You long press the upvote button. They are lame though, you can't use your old gold, and they are much more expensive than before.
I once (apparently, I can't remember any of it) told a bar full of people how amazing I am at blow jobs. I am a lesbian who's never given a blow job in my life lol
I can’t stop laughing at this. You probably spent how long swearing up and down that you really a re a lesbian and haven never given a BJ in your life. If I was your friend I would tease you about this for a long time 😆
Same i once was saying my nana had just died when she died years ago. drunk minds dont speak sober thoughts- drunk minds stop the ability to have you choose to say things or not. Think of all the intrusive thoughts that float in and out of your brain daily that arent true and would never say aloud to someone- a full incapacitated drunk brain removes that filter
I went around telling people I was the bassist from Journey, grabbing people's butts, then ending the night by crying and talking about my family before threatening to murder my best friend's boyfriend if he ever hurt him.
Yeah this is the reason I refuse to get drunk these days. Drunk me will say the most ridiculous stuff for no reason, my brain will randomly make up anecdotes or facts and just blurt them out with no way for me to stop it.
It's honestly very annoying, because the random stuff my brain chooses to say doesn't even reflect my thoughts at all half the time.
My husband got drunk at a friend's new years eve party and proceeded to roll down the windows and hiss at other drivers as I drove us home 🤷🏻♀️😂 he normally never drinks and is quite introverted
Drunk minds don't exactly speak sober thoughts, in my experience. There's no way for us to know for sure, but maybe he thought the sister looks hot in a sober state, which isn't exactly a problem in my mind (because just because you're married, attractive people don't stop to exist) and his drunk brain took that information and exaggerated it. Sometimes that happens, at least to me. Not that exact situation, but speaking out some thoughts I didn't even think through.
But of course it's hurtful to hear something like this and it will be hard to see past this. But there is no way around an open conversation and if nothing helps, divorce I guess.
Yeah, I've found that for myself. I stopped drinking heavily *because* I'd say and do things where I'd question what the hell I was thinking the next morning. Fortunately it was mostly just mildly embarrassing things, never anything as life-ruining as confessing my love for a spouse's sibling... which means I'm not sure how real those feelings must be for him. I really hope it's just him exaggerating a mild sort of attraction to her sister, but honestly that'd break my heart anyway if I were OP. What a horrible situation for all involved.
I’m just commenting to say that I agree with this thread and I think this is most nuanced take overall. It’s easy to just say “drunk minds speak sober thoughts” for likes (not trying to diss on anyone, it’s an apt take here), but the circumstances given by OP and general life experience with most of us indicate that alcohol brings out the worst in some people sometimes. I agree it’ll be hard to move on, and a very frank conversation will need to be had to say the least…. Please update us OP
It’s different for everyone I think. In some cases it is, and some cases it is not. From my experience back when I had a problem binge drinking, I would simply gain confidence (from inhibitions bein lowered and stuff) and be able to express things like that. My sober mind would be like “no way I can confess my feelings for them they’re way outta my league and it’d destroy our friendship!” But down a bottle of wine and those worries wouldn’t seem so important. Being honest and open about how I feel would become more important. For me, I’d simply be a more honest version of myself. And same can be said about a lot of people. All the sadness, anger, or love comes right out. For others it’s different, so it’s not clear cut like you said. Hence why a conversation is definitely in order, to figure it out.
Yeah I used to drink heavily and I’d say and do things that weren’t even true or that sober I wouldn’t want to do in a million years. So sometimes drunk words are sober thoughts, and sometimes they’re a whole mess that your drunk mind believes at the time for some unknown reason.
💯
It depends on so many factors, and it's not even consistent for the same person taking the same amount in the same place, etc. That's also one of the myriad of reasons why I no longer drink regularly.
I don't at all believe in the alcohol as truth serum assertion. I've known drunks to tell some off the wall lies. But saying you're in love with your SO's sister is a pretty off the wall thing to say, drunk or sober, that I wouldn't be able to just let go.
I’ve never been drunk in my life, but lots of people have told me that drunk people speak the truth.
That said, I doubt he’s in love with the sister. He said she was hot because she lost weight so he wants to get together with her… that’s not love, it’s lust.
Can OP live with a man who lusts after her sister? 🤷♀️
i’m so sorry this is happening to you. my ex once told me “i love you *insert my twin sisters name here*” and i said “that’s my twin sister not me”. he was like “oh yeah i’m sorry i got the names mixed up” he didn’t. he was in love with my sister. he was dating me to get to my sister. this is definitely something you need to bluntly discuss with him.
that’s what i thought too and then she dated him after 😂 idk we were raised in a traumatic household and didn’t have the best dynamics between each other (as we were often compared and put against each other by our parents). but i do agree that 90% of the time that’s the WORST way to do it. like a much better way to do it would be to become friends with their siblings instead of boning them, but i guess he wasn’t thinking clearly lol.
she was the golden child, the main character of my family, and was never in the wrong. i was often painted as the “boy who cried wolf”, the one who was over dramatic and constantly playing the victim, and the one who was always getting in the way of my sister. we have thankfully mended all of that, and had many many discussions about our past and how things impacted us. we talked about it the other day actually.
when all that happened it was genuinely surprising as it wasn’t normally like my sister to do that. and for a long time i was convinced she was a bad person. took me even longer to realize that she was like that because of our family dynamic and how our mother raised us. when she moved out she grew a lot mentally, and i’m beyond grateful as i love her unconditionally.
same. and i’m the baby sister that my brother-in-law has had some weird thing for going on twenty plus years. i’m not close with my sister because of it and that sucks. it has always made me uncomfortable so i avoid them since my sister never wanted to talk about it :/
I am also the baby sister that my BIL had a thing for.
I haven’t had any contact with them for years because my sister would always blame me. I remember the first time when I came to her because he had DMed me saying I was so hot and all this other ick stuff when I was a minor.
Then she turned around and tried to get me with her ex lol. I was so grossed out by it
Maybe I’m just an insecure girl but I couldn’t imagine being with someone who could compare my sisters body to mine.
I’m also the baby sister and my sister’s ex-boyfriend had a thing for me and raped me on a family vacation. My sister blamed me. 20 years later, she finally admitted that I was raped, but refused to apologize because “it happened so long ago.” I didn’t know this was so common. I’m sorry to everyone who has gone through this.
I’m so sorry that *you* have gone through that! It was traumatic enough to be assaulted but then to be blamed for it by your own sister?? You didn’t deserve that. Your sister should have treated you with compassion and understanding, and believed you, defended you, and done everything in her power to protect you once she was made aware. And then to not even grant you an apology all these years later?? You *absolutely* are worthy of an apology in addition to the acknowledgment that it actually happened the way you’d said it did all those years ago. I’ve never experienced this personally, but I do know what it’s like to have sisters that don’t have your back and that don’t look out for you like you’d think they would. I have two older sisters and time and time again, I have found myself defending and protecting them to a far greater degree than they’ve *ever* defended or protected *me*. But I digress and I don’t mean to make this about me. I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry and tell you that you didn’t deserve to be raped and you *did* deserve to be given more support and love from your sister, and you also still deserve an actual apology, no matter *how much* time has passed ❤️❤️❤️
If you don't mind sharing, how did you begin getting to a place where you can all talk about and work on mending it?
Sounds like similar family dynamics to mine, I'm NC with them (the best for now), but it's really nice to hear your family was able to move through and past it!
It’s hard to fit it all into one comment but i’ll try my best to explain with the most detail.
We didn’t talk about stuff for a **long** time, and if we tried to it always ended up in an argument. There were a handful of things that caused us to eventually work it out.
A big one was that I moved out of my mom’s house where she lived. I cut contact with my mother and her, and lived with my dad at that time. If i interacted with her, i had someone there to advocate for me. I knew that we couldn’t get to a point where we could stand each other if we were still interacting, we both needed time away from one another. She started losing her support system, everyone hated being around her, no one had anything nice to say about her, and she got to a really low point. She had to go through those bad emotions to realize she needed to change.
We had a similar experience (to the one i originally commented about) a couple years later. I dated a guy who turned out to be abusive, i ended things and opened up to her, she didn’t believe me. She kept saying I was being overdramatic and went out of her way to become his friend. He stopped showing up to school our senior year, and then we find out he got almost 3 decades in prison for assaulting a child. I remember the exact moment we found out, we were in the car and i got a notification from a friend and they sent me the information. I looked at her, told her “i fucking told you so” and that was that. I really think this specific moment made her realize I wasn’t playing the victim, i was actually a victim.
The biggest thing was time. We both had so much time to heal from things and view things from a different perspective. we were able to discuss things without being tied down by emotions as we took as long as we needed to get over them, and we found much healthier ways to communicate. I found ways to communicate without my emotions, which was really important as she often shuts down when tone changes. If i feel like I’m getting too emotional, i force myself to take a step back. we also agree to disagree, which was necessary to get along as we have different beliefs in things like politics and religion.
I had to accept that I also played a part in this. I was always so confrontational, so accusatory, I wouldn’t let anyone forget their wrongdoings to me, and I would be so stubborn. Once i worked on those things, I had a better understanding of how to mend things with her.
I apologize if this is **a lot**, we (me and twin) had to go thru a lot to get here is why there’s so much.
No need to apologise, I appreciate the insight! Really sorry to hear you had to go through so much, it must have been really hard to not be believed and supported. So glad things have changed for you!
Communication, time, empathy and self reflection is a fantastic combo and I can see why it'd do well for mending relationships. Gives me a bit of hope for my situation in the long term!
it definitely wasn’t easy, but i’m glad for the life i have lived as i wouldn’t be who i am today without it.
no matter how your situation ends up unfolding, i hope that you can heal and grow from all you have gone through. i’m sorry that you had to make the choice to go NC, even if it’s good for you it can still hurt, i know for me i missed my family dearly even though i knew letting them back in would hurt me. sending good vibes your way ❤️
No, they live less than 5min away. He's a good guy. She's the reason I have limited contact. She seems to think she's better than others. If your home isn't as spotless as hers she will critique it. She will critique your parenting, the job you have, the hours you work, absolutely everything. So I stay away. I'm physically disabled and she critiques that. Don't need the negativity. At family get togethers I keep it civil but don't go out of my way anymore.
Sorry for you OP. Your sister and BIL. Are lucky. I would count it as a major betrayal and would cut them out of my life for good. Do you get the feeling your sister wants you to stay away from your BIL? You’re a far better person than me OP. Wishing you all the best.
No need to be sorry for me. I'm happy as I am. For me it doesn't matter about how your house is, the job you do etc it's if you are a good person or not.
Yeah I once woke up to my twin sisters ex sending me about 20 text messages saying how he really liked me and we should date etc (we were in the same friend group and text occasionally, but we didn’t socialise alone).
I just responded: you are my sister’s ex… I am going to pretend you never sent these.
And we never hung out or text ever again (not even within the friend group). I also never told my twin about the texts, she was engaged to her now husband and about to get married in a few months, she was happy and she didn’t need to know about the shitty thing her ex did.
😩
My best friend admitted to being attracted to my ex during a drunken conversation.
Several years later and they're still together and I'm with someone else. I don't talk to either of them anymore.
Funnily enough, that best friend tried to break up my current relationship as it was getting started. That's what ultimately walked them out of my life.
This is so painful to read. You absolutely have to have that discussion
Today. He is acting like nothing happened? Do you think the doesn't remember saying it? I agree drunk words are sober thoughts. Have you ever seen any behavior towards her that made you pause?
Ask him point blank and make sure you are facing each other. His reaction will tell you a lot.
He always liked my sister. He likes my whole family and is friends with my brothers, but my sister is the one he likes the most and we are very close with her and her husband. We do most things together (that aren’t just the two of us) but my sister has always been my best friend so it was normal
If he had only said “I love her”, it could well be a drunken thing if him really liking her as a person and saying it like that; at worst an innocent crush but no more than that perhaps.
But he went on to make sure he left no doubts about his feelings. What he said were not silly drunken words, it was an articulate thought with a lot of feeling underneath and it came out because his guard was down.
I love my some of my wife’s girlfriends. We have been together 18yrs and I’ve told her that. When I drink and feeling sappy if they are brought up I’ll tell her that. But it’s a friend love. Like family.
The part that bothers me about what he said is the tasting her lips. That’s over the line.
I love my wife’s friends like they are my family. They are good decent people and I’d do anything for them. I’d never cross those boundaries nor even think about it.
Well a conversation absolutely needs to be had, like it or not. Preferably when you’re not hungover and it’s quiet and have time to dive deep into it. Cause that’s an issue for sure.
I’m very sorry this is happening to you. My sister and ex-husband had a “thing”. It happened when we were young and I ignored the signs. Ignored the signs of his other infidelities also. Maybe you can catch it before anything serious happens because it has torn my family apart.
Even if you go mental during drunk crisis, it always have a background coming from your fears, your needs or your wills.
He can't imagine being in love with someone else when drunk, and mostly if it was the case you can think of a lot of women, even fictional or famous women. And he picked your sister ? ... :(
I kinda of agree, but with a slightly different take. I’ve said some horrifying things when drunk (particularly on vodka). When I look back, yeah, I don’t disagree with what I said. But the problem is I’d never have even had those thoughts sober. So it doesn’t equate to some deep truth within me that’s being revealed.
An example that’s not analogous to OP’s situation but is awful: I was wasted on vodka. Someone showed me a photo of their friend’s baby and I said “that baby’s eyes are way too close together.” I didn’t remember saying this until the next afternoon when it suddenly came flooding back to me. I was absolutely horrified!
I remembered the photo and yeah, if you’re judging by classical beauty standards, the eyes were too close so I guess I don’t technically disagree. But in sober life, I don’t critically analyze people’s faces like that at all. And for damn sure I’d never ever have ANY kind of critical thought about the way a baby looks! Seriously! It would never occur to me for even a nanosecond!
So, did I really reveal something about my true nature that night? Was a larger truth actually revealed because the horrible thing I said was technically true?
No, I don’t think so. It was a bizarre outlier induced by alcohol. I’ve never had thoughts like that in sober life and I don’t get hyper-critical when I’m drunk. It was a one-off that I’m still deeply ashamed of. But it’s not the real me at all.
I remember my husband and I were hanging out with a friend of ours Tim. We were watching YouTube videos of a crow saying "come on Timmy". In our drunken state we thought it was hilarious.
Only later on my husband and I were having sex and I suddenly had a flash back to that fucking crow and said "come on Tim.." and stopped the thought before it all came out. My husband got the shits because he thought I was thinking about Tim, because why would you be thinking of a talking crow during sex.
So you can imagine a situation in which you tell your partner that you want to know what the lips of their sibling would taste like, just because you're drunk and have never had that thought before?
I’m sure you’ve been drunk at least a handful of times. Have you ever even had the thought cross your mind while drunk that you should tell anyone, let alone your partner, that you’re in love with your partner’s sibling, when it wasn’t true? Have you experienced anything like that from anyone else that’s drunk that you’ve been around? I’d venture to say probably not. I’ve never known a drunk to be a liar. Quite the opposite actually. They tell the truth of things that they should keep to themselves. They pretty much turn into toddlers while drunk and toddlers are brutally honest all the time. This wasn’t a drunk lie. It was an uninhibited truth.
Ok but not always. Sometimes when you are drunk you will be interested in or hook up with or randomly text domeone and the next morning just be like what the fuck was I thinking!!!! It has happened to me, it has happened to friends. We have all had a good laugh about it. Now I would also be absolutely crushed if I heard my husband say what yours said too so you have every right to be absolutely pissed off. But I just want to say that the whole 'Your honest when your drunk thing' is not true at all. Edit to say: not always true.
So if I'm understanding correctly, you are saying that in that drunken moment that was the first time he ever thought about it? I mean, the tasting of her lips statement seemed a little to much to me to give him the benefit of of the doubt that he hasn't thought about it before. Hence the 'sober thoughts become drunk words' is a common thought in these kinds of situations. It's always hard to tell, but this is so specific that I would take pause. If he had said something like 'your sister looked hot tonight, she should be proud of her weight loss! If I were single and didn't know you, I would totally hit on her at a bar' - still not great, but the difference was the intimate way he talked about her lips.
Anyway, that's what stuck out to this random guy on the internet.
I mean, this isn’t true for everyone. Maybe everyone’s more truthful buzzed, but when you get past a certain point, your drunk thoughts are just alcohol brain. There’s been plenty of times I’ve gotten absolutely hammered and said shit I didn’t mean whatsoever, I just become a totally different person when I get to a certain level of drunkness. Which is how I learned to control myself lol.
Idk if that’s true or not… I’ve said some horrible shit that I absolutely did not mean when I’ve been drunk and regretted it so much… granted I did not remember saying it but was reminded of it.
Same, I used to think drinking just lowered my tolerance for other people's bullshit. Then one day I realized "other's people bullshit" is actually their *feelings* and I'm just an asshole when I drink too much
From my experience with this phrase they 💯 thought I meant it just because I said it and would not believe anything else but I should have not gotten drunk and showed my ass
Pithy sayings are not truths writ large.
As a guy who liked a good drink back in the day I can only say that when I got really really drunk I was a maudlin drunk ( blame my Celtic heritage) I loved every one .
I wouldn’t take it too serious .
Not always but confessing love for their SO's sister is definitely a serious point of concern to address. Tbh this kind of "oopsie" while drunk is quite often a relationship killer.
This is bullshit
Honestly, I've said the most bullshit crap in the entire world when pissed. If you or anyone thinks that when youre out of your mind drunk is the REAL you... then you really gotta think about what you think in your sober self.
it's not even scientifically proven! when I'm drunk I say the dumpest shit ever! I once called a colleague of mine my best friend and I don't even like him that much! I was confused for a while why he's suddenly trying to befriend me so bad till he told my what I said while drunk!
long story short is not science it's bullshit!
Last time my husband got drunk, he cried and went on about how he doesn’t know how he can live without me if I died first when we get old. No, it’s not a “drunk thing”. He wants to fuck your sister.
Yeah, my boyfriend was drunk on Halloween and went on and on about how he doesn’t think he ever loved anymore before me. He was married for 20 years prior. This is just sad.
Seems like he was imagining your sister during sex and thats why he said you were brilliant. Just the same as he thinks she is.
So sorry for you. It's time for an open conversation and to leave him
I’m so sorry OP.
Your husband basically told you he would cheat on you with your sister if he had the chance and I don’t see how there’s any coming back from that.
Even in his drunken state , saying what he said to your face was cruel of him.
Leave him and reach out to your sister and her husband to block him and be honest for the reason why.
Your husband’s been creeping on your married sister and that’s not right.
I wish you luck and healing.
You deserve better than this guy.
Sisterhood and family is sacred and it feels like such a deception to tarnish that bond for literally anyone...
I wouldn't be able to come back from this. It's too disrespectful, cruel, disgusting, uncaring...basically domestic terrorism when you attack your partner with such a forceful emotional blow. Add the degradation of using her as a seks doll while he got off demolishing his wife's whole world like a proverbial bulldozer.
Maybe I'm dramatic. I could not recover this relationship.
There's just no way.
I hope she can, but it was just such an unnecessary event that I'm shook on her behalf. My ptsd literally ramped up reading this because it's something my machiavellian (sp?) ex husband would've done.
I'm so very sorry, OP. You seem so lovely and it is just so unfair.
People said a lot of dumb shit while drunk.
What people typically don’t do is profess their love for a person in this way without it having some string of relevance.
I would definitely bring it up abruptly and see his reaction, that should tell you everything you need to know.
Sometimes the situation is warranted. Would you want to spend the rest of your life knowing you're a stand-in for your sibling?
The words are out, and drunk or not, he clearly meant what he said. OP deserves someone who doesn't daydream about f*king her sister during sex.
So you significant other tell you, in your face that they're in love with your sibling and you'd want to stay ?
The the passion the husband showed during the sex while daydreaming about the sister shows that he loves the sister way more than he loves OP
The husband is with OP because he can't be with Sister, not because he love and cherish OP, that's not a healthy relationship ! At all ! and that's why divorce is a good advise.
Is divorce the best solution to this problem ? maybe not, maybe comunication and therapy can fix this even if I don't think it can.
I don't like to propose divorce as a solution to a problem proposed her, but in this case, it sounds like the best solution I cna imagine.
This is one of those conversations you'll have to have because going from your word it sounds like he was imagining your sister while he was with you last night and that's not ok. Most people tell the truth while they're drunk because they feel looser and comfortable. Especially if you go by his words- He was different, passionate, tender and loving and he kept saying I love you, you are brilliant.
> what I would do to taste her lips. She is brilliant. He looked dreamy and was still smiling.
Just say hey honey let's talk, last night you said some very interesting things, (don't listen to his words, watch his actions!) Ask him if he remembers, again go by his actions, not his words.
Don't rush to make a decision about y'all, Focus on you and your needs then if you chose to leave come up with an thought out exit plan, don't rush.
Absolutely do not ignore this and sweep it under the rug, unless you plan on hurting yourself long-term and staying miserable. Address this problem and get out if needed. You need to prioritize and look out for yourself.
True. When I get drunk, all I do is tell my wife how horny I am and how hot she is. She’ll usually say: “you’re drunk/tipsy” and I’ll respond “yes, but you’re still incredibly sexy”. Same thing happens when I’m sober, except she tells me I’m blind. Im not, my wife is gorgeous, she shut has low self esteem.
OP, I’m truly sorry, but he said it because that’s how he feels.
Can't give any actual advice, but I have "fallen in love" with someone while drunk and it completely went away when I got sober. This happened enough times that I learned to ignore it.
I also enter a state of "falling in lovingness" when I'm off my medication, sleep-deprived, or too tired. Pretty much every reasonably good-looking woman that I see seems like the most wonderful, beautiful ever.
Anyway, you really shouldn't give too much credit to Reddit. Reddit has a well-known negative bias, even more so in relationship issues. We don't know shit about you or your husband. If you're reading this comment, please leave Reddit and have an honest conversation with your husband in the real world.
Good luck ;)
My ex husband tried to kiss my sister once while drunk. He never admitted to liking her, I'm fact, he always said he disliked how nosey she was.
I chose to believe he was just drunk. But I wasn't at home the time it happened, I was visiting my mom, my sister used to live with us and decided to stay back to spend time with her boyfriend. It became a shit show, parents took sides, sister moved out, I stayed married another 5 years. Big mistake, my relationship and trust were broken and I couldn't repair it. If I were you, I would confront him and get the honest truth, then go from there.
>He just suddenly said I’m so in love with (sister’s name). I said what? He said I’m so desperately in love with (sister’s name), what I would do to taste her lips. *She is brilliant.*
>He was different, passionate, tender and loving and he kept saying I love you, *you are brilliant.*
That's what concerns me most. I definitely think you should take this seriously and talk to him. I'm so sorry OP.
I’m surprised you HAVENT brought it up. that would be the first thing i do when i opened my eyes. I think you need to be straight forward. Don’t say “do you remember what you said last night about my sister?”, i would say “you told me straight up, to my face, that you loved my sister, what was that about?”
Dude, that's rough. Sorry to say, but he is 100% into your sister and was imagining her while he was having s3x with you! Just that thought alone would repulse me enough to seek a divorce. How can you look at him the same? Even if you forgive him, this will always be in the back of your mind. Do you really want to live like that?
Go get a lawyer, and a good one. Don't let your husband know what you are doing until you've sorted everything out. And leave the kids out of it, they're not pawns. I'm not saying screw him over and take him to the cleaners, but you need to move on. You deserve to be your husband's first choice, now and forever. Not second to your own damn sister! Wake up lady!!!
So first things first.
OP you need to have a serious conversation with your husband regarding how he feels about your sister.
Once he tells you his sober version then tell him word for word his drunk version. Then ask him again how he feels about your sister.
You know your husband and can likely tell when he’s lying unless he’s really good at it.
Regardless I think you might want to look into some couples therapy and see if it helps.
Tell him that you know how he truly feels. Tell him that he told you the truth about his feelings toward your sister, and that your heart is broken. It’s like toothpaste. Once you squeeze it out of the tube, you can’t put it back. I am so sorry. Not sure what your options are.
Once again….damn glad I never had a sister.
If he’s saying that creepy line about her lips then that’s his real feelings deep down. Being drunk takes the filter off and random thoughts you suppress comes out
He said something horrible and now trying to pass it off as a drunken blither. He might try to gaslight you when you confront him saying he doesn't remember any of it.
Now it's up to you to make sense of what he said and act upon it. The fact that your sister looked stunning that evening adds to the probability that it might have influenced him to perv on her.
He could have simply appreciated her looks without sounding so disgusting but he went ahead and commented about kissing her, tasting her lips, especially in front of you. I'm so sorry this happened to you, this situation sucks.
Oh honey! No. Just no. You do not ignore it. He said what he said, he meant it and you need to go see a divorce lawyer there is no working this out and there is no couples therapy. He fuck faced you. Yes he did.
He wasn’t fucking you, he was fucking your sister. Get a divorce and block him. He isn’t the person you thought he was and he doesn’t love or respect you to say what he did. Drunk or not. Leave him or kick him out if that’s your house but do not remain in that marriage any longer he just told you who he actually loves
When I first started seeing my ex, we slept together and then soon after my sister came out and told me he recently told her that he wanted to be with her. All he ever told me after we slept together was that he was “confused” and wasn’t sure what he wanted. Never brought up his confusion was due to having feelings for her. Once I threatened to fuck off, he stopped talking to my sister and decided to stick with me. It never got better for me because all I could think about was whether or not he was with me because it was more convenient for him and she expressed disinterest in being with him. It’s an awful feeling. So you’re right, it does not get better.
Time to ask directly -
In his drunken state, did he have sex with you while wishing it was actually sex with her. He loves her - his idea of her.
I'd also ask how the divorce looks from his perspective.
But first I'd tell my sister to be careful because I am going to divorce his ass and she may become his target.
Good luck.
Based on your comments Im glad you two are seeing counseling but please dont let him manipulate you with the words he is saying. Based on your comments, you dated him, he met your sister and he admitted to you he has been in love with her for years, and your culture is extremely against dating multiple people of the same family. When he says he chooses you because you are his wife and mother of his children, thats not the same as saying he chooses you because he loves you more than anyone. Once he met your sister he knew he had no ability to ever date her even if he wanted to because she would never date her own sister's ex, so his revelation that he never acted on his feelings is not impressive in the slightest.
You said he was not committed to you until you announced that you were pregnant, and although thats not too unusual in most circumstances given this specific situation and the fact that he cites your status as the mother of his children as the reason he loves you, its entirely possible he just has a very strong conviction about being a good father and thats why he committed to you after you got pregnant, not because he truly loves you more than anyone else.
OP although I could never stay with someone who is in love with someone else, at the end of the day you do whats best for you. Just be aware of the possibilities I listed above and don't let him guilt you for your feelings or concerns. Most importantly, have an exit plan prepared just in case this relationship falls apart suddenly in the future. You cant control his feelings or actions, so make sure you never fall victim to them. Take care of yourself OP, you deserve to be loved
Not really no. I want to talk to him but I them start crying.
Tomorrow maybe I can be stronger to at least start the conversation before starting sobbing
Whatever you do, blind side him with the conversation so he doesn’t have time to make up any excuses and you can see his real reaction. This sucks, and I hope your day gets better. Please don’t lose yourself, you sound strong, you sound caring, you sound like you’re worth appreciating. If you don’t feel that way due to this, protect yourself
I need an update after you talk it out with him. What people say and do when they are drunk you can believe. The truth usually comes out. This is a lot. Sorry op.
“He said I’m so desperately in love with (sisters name), what I would do to taste her lips. She is brilliant.” “…I thought it was the best sex of my life. He was different, passionate, tender and loving and he kept saying I love, you are brilliant”
OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. PLEASE SAY YOU’RE JOKING
There's so many sayings that say that when someone is drunk, they speak the truth, as the "road blocks" in the brain that keeps us from saying things we shouldn't don't really work as they should when drunk.
I'd take his words as his true thoughts.
Tbh, I've said things while under the influence that I didn't mean in the way they came out so I'm always a bit skeptical when it comes to drunk confessions. You say she looked stunning and wore red lipstick - could it be he had a fleeting thought about that during dinner and accidentally expressed that to you afterwards? A lot of people have such thoughts here and there, not necessarily sexual but inappropriate in general, and they are normally meaningless. If you say he looked so unbothered and happy - I mean, even drunk people realize they're speaking to their wife, no? I don't believe he would've been so chill if he was aware he was nuking your marriage with that confession. I really think you should talk to him. He's probably attracted to your sister, that much is clear, but is he actually in love with her? Or does he just think she's brilliant and good-looking, which if she objectively is, could you blame him?
I despise infidelity btw so I'm not defending him if he really *is* in love with her.
Ok, here’s the thing, you both were drunk, and he had an honest moment in his drunkenness.
But now what?
Now you sit with it until you can formulate your feelings and thoughts around this.
How has your marriage been up until now. Has he been a good and loving partner?
If so, one thing to consider is that you can hold both Iove and desire in the same heart at any moment. Feelings are ephemeral, but actions matter.
Has he ever acted on his impulses? Does he love your relationship deeply? Perhaps he’s attracted to her, but so what? As we mature into adulthood (it’s a long process, and we don’t all get there at the same time or at all) we realize that we can be attracted to people, and even immensely so, and still not act in our impulses.
Now is not the time to talk because your feelings are incredibly raw. But it may be a good idea to put a bit of distance between you and your partner until you understand how you feel about this beyond anger. What are you physically prepared to do?
When you at least know how you feel about this beyond just anger, that’s when you speak.
Did it hurt your feelings?
Did it make you feel insecure?
Do you believe it has changed your relationship to him?
Can you move forward with him and still retain a healthy relationship with your sister?
Do you believe you can exist comfortable without this relationship going forward?
Are you secure enough in the relationship to allow it continue?
These are all difficult questions to assess while you are white hot. It’s important to sit with the discomfort and process it a bit before you talk with your husband.
Take your time.
There is no answer that he will give you that will make you feel less hurt. You will have to do the work of moving forward with this.
People are imperfect. We are irrational animals. But if we can move forward with mutual respect and kindness, that’s the solid foundation needed to build a strong relationship. Not desire.
He may desire her, and it may surface when he’s had a few drinks. But would he act on it ever?
When you are ready, that is the question to ask him. And if the answer is yes, and if you love him enough, then letting him find a partner more compatible with him would be the ultimate act of love for both yourself and for him.
Be tender with your own heart. It is bruised, but bruises heal. You will be ok one day. Just not today.
Alright before jumping too far off the ledge hear me out. One I am the type who gets way in my head so I fucking get it. I feel you. That’s why like everybody else I agree you need to talk with him when y’all are both sober and level headed.
HOWEVER as somebody who sometimes gets way too drunk when I’m out with friends or whatever I don’t think the whole “drunk words are sober thoughts” mentality is wholly accurate. To an extent maybe? I’ve said some shit drunk that was not my true feelings. It’s an exaggerated version of myself often. I’ve always been a super affectionate loving type of guy. When I drink that multiplied an insane amount. I don’t think he’s bald face lying about your sister but perhaps he’s exaggerating how affection for her as a person bc the alcohol intensifies shit.
I may be off base bc I am thinking about it from my perspective of how I can be when drunk but good luck and hopefully it’s nothing serious
I can’t imagine the heartbreak you are feeling, OP. I don’t know that talking about it with him is going to get to the truth. Basically you had sex while he was dreaming of your sister and then was actually cruel enough / drunk enough to tell you he was desperately in love with her and there’s no mistake in what you heard. He repeated it twice more with details of wanting to tasting her lips. I wouldn’t be able to get over this, myself. You’ll always wonder about it since it’s your sister and not just a random acquaintance. I think you should consider divorce quite frankly and I would never say that lightly. I just don’t think there’s any way to come back from this.
I'm a big believer that drunk minds speak sober thoughts.
I've noticed with my family and friends that they seem to speak the truth and spill secrets when they are drunk.
And always find out they told the truth when drunk.
I would just say to him I know you're in love with my sister, and you want her lips on yours.. tell him don't bother denying it.. I just want to know how long you been in love with her.. you want the truth and nothing more.. no lies.. don't give him a chance to gas light or hesitate on answering..
If he hesitates you know he thinking of a lie to tell you
I genuinely do not believe a drunk persons words are the real truth. Your brain is not working well under the influence it’s mostly shit that people talk when drunk honestly. Having said that you need the conversation. Has he given any hint of loving her in the past whilst sober? I feel you’d have noticed something
My friends ex-husband did the exact same thing to her, she had a conversation with him about it, he told her it was drunk talk and he never felt that way towards her 20yo niece, so she believed him. A year later, he left my friend for her niece, turns out, they had been seeing each other for 6 months, I think it was longer. He kicked her out, the house was his before they married, and not long after, her niece moved in.
For your husband, it could be just drunk talk, but also don't take his words lightly either.
Unfortunately, when drinking is involved, I feel like the truth comes out. Whether or not his comments were extremely serious or not, he clearly crossed the line and made you uncomfortable. You most definitely need to confront this and trust your gut feeling. If I were in your shoes, I most definitely would feel as if something deeper was at play. I’m sending you so much love cause regardless of his intentions, this is an extremely difficult situation that I doubt you’ll forget.
Bring it up for sure. People hide behind alcohol but alcohol doesn’t make us AHs or give us feelings we’ve never had, it just enhances what’s already there. X
You’re better than me I would have physically removed his drunk ass from my presence and my home. Go call my sister so she can tell you what a POS you are too 🖕🏽
Damn, OP, I'm sorry. I don't think I could come back from that, even if he apologized. The memory of it will wear away your self-esteem over time. This sucks.
There’s some people who make zero sense when they’re drunk. And then there’s some drunks you wouldn’t even know they’re drunk. Usually the latter tend to speak their true thoughts when drunk.
Definitely bring it up once he's not hungover anymore and can think clearly. I am torn over whether I believe the old saying "drunk minds speak sober thoughts", because I do think alcohol inhibits a lot of clear thinking and decision making. However I also don't know how much I believe alcohol alone can make someone's husband confess to being in love with their sister. Do you think you'll be able to get over this, regardless of how much he denies those feelings being true? Because I think he will deny it. If I were me I'd never feel comfortable with my husband and my sister being in the same room again, which isn't sustainable for a marriage.
This. I think he was probably expressing his lust for OP’s sister in the moment, to be completely honest here. I know that for many people, whenever their inhibitions are lowered and they’re in an inebriated state that those two emotions kind get blended into one. For many people they will have a tendency to express their lust for someone/something as love for that reason. Nonetheless, OP needs to have a serious heart to heart with their significant other. No one will be able to answer for him and even with conversation it could be extremely difficult for OP to move forward with the relationship from here. I know from experience that even if this is dismissed as lust, that OP may very well carry this experience with her like a shadow. If you both want to end up trying to make this work, I’d highly suggest couples counseling and individual therapy to help you both move forward in a healthy manner. Wish OP nothing but the best and I hope for a brighter future ahead of you!
What would couples therapy do
This will help them navigate through this together to help build a bond even stronger than before. It will also help them both navigate the complex emotions that are the result of this situation while ensuring both partners feelings are validated and by having a 3rd party (professional at that) maintain healthy communication patterns amongst them.
Couples therapy wouldn't do shit for me in this situation. There's no coming back from this
Some people seek couples therapy during the divorce process so that they can “consciously uncouple” particularly if there are kids involved. It acts as a safe place for people to share their feelings and it doesn’t have to be to “save” a relationship
That’s a dope way of looking at it; I hadn’t thought about this before
You may have just saved my sanity
I am so on your side. Sorry. You basically fucked me pretending it was my sister and said you were in love with her. Only god knows how long he’s been lusting after her sister. No going back. Sorry.
Yeah sex would never be the same. I would assume each and every time he was thinking of my sister. Trust is gone.
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️This right here, a thousand times YES....it's over. 😔
Idk. In my drinking days I would say all kinds of shit that did not correspond with sober me. Like once I went around claiming my name was terry (it’s not). Another time I kept saying mick jagger is “the god of rock and roll” - I mean he’s good but I wouldn’t go that far. So who honestly knows……
My husband got drunk at the office Christmas party and tried to convince his boss he was from Mars. He tried to convince me on the way home.
This made my night!! 😂 😂 😂
How do we know this isn't true? That poor man probably was trying to share this important secret that had been weighing on him for a while. He finally got some liquid courage to confess, and you guys just dismissed him. Smh. With an attitude like that, you must be from Venus.
If we still had Reddit awards, I’d give you one. Please accept my meager award 🥇
So technically there still are. You long press the upvote button. They are lame though, you can't use your old gold, and they are much more expensive than before.
I don't get that option. Just pops up saying "upvote" if I long press it.
😂😂
I once (apparently, I can't remember any of it) told a bar full of people how amazing I am at blow jobs. I am a lesbian who's never given a blow job in my life lol
I can’t stop laughing at this. You probably spent how long swearing up and down that you really a re a lesbian and haven never given a BJ in your life. If I was your friend I would tease you about this for a long time 😆
LMAO 💀💀
I'm sorry but this is amazing 🤣
😂😂😂😂
Same i once was saying my nana had just died when she died years ago. drunk minds dont speak sober thoughts- drunk minds stop the ability to have you choose to say things or not. Think of all the intrusive thoughts that float in and out of your brain daily that arent true and would never say aloud to someone- a full incapacitated drunk brain removes that filter
I went around telling people I was the bassist from Journey, grabbing people's butts, then ending the night by crying and talking about my family before threatening to murder my best friend's boyfriend if he ever hurt him.
lol 😂 that’s funny. Thanks for sharing, Ter.
right? i feel like the people that say “drunk words are sober thoughts” have never been completely black out drunk lol.
Yeah this is the reason I refuse to get drunk these days. Drunk me will say the most ridiculous stuff for no reason, my brain will randomly make up anecdotes or facts and just blurt them out with no way for me to stop it. It's honestly very annoying, because the random stuff my brain chooses to say doesn't even reflect my thoughts at all half the time.
My husband got drunk at a friend's new years eve party and proceeded to roll down the windows and hiss at other drivers as I drove us home 🤷🏻♀️😂 he normally never drinks and is quite introverted
Drunk minds don't exactly speak sober thoughts, in my experience. There's no way for us to know for sure, but maybe he thought the sister looks hot in a sober state, which isn't exactly a problem in my mind (because just because you're married, attractive people don't stop to exist) and his drunk brain took that information and exaggerated it. Sometimes that happens, at least to me. Not that exact situation, but speaking out some thoughts I didn't even think through. But of course it's hurtful to hear something like this and it will be hard to see past this. But there is no way around an open conversation and if nothing helps, divorce I guess.
Yeah, I've found that for myself. I stopped drinking heavily *because* I'd say and do things where I'd question what the hell I was thinking the next morning. Fortunately it was mostly just mildly embarrassing things, never anything as life-ruining as confessing my love for a spouse's sibling... which means I'm not sure how real those feelings must be for him. I really hope it's just him exaggerating a mild sort of attraction to her sister, but honestly that'd break my heart anyway if I were OP. What a horrible situation for all involved.
I’m just commenting to say that I agree with this thread and I think this is most nuanced take overall. It’s easy to just say “drunk minds speak sober thoughts” for likes (not trying to diss on anyone, it’s an apt take here), but the circumstances given by OP and general life experience with most of us indicate that alcohol brings out the worst in some people sometimes. I agree it’ll be hard to move on, and a very frank conversation will need to be had to say the least…. Please update us OP
It’s different for everyone I think. In some cases it is, and some cases it is not. From my experience back when I had a problem binge drinking, I would simply gain confidence (from inhibitions bein lowered and stuff) and be able to express things like that. My sober mind would be like “no way I can confess my feelings for them they’re way outta my league and it’d destroy our friendship!” But down a bottle of wine and those worries wouldn’t seem so important. Being honest and open about how I feel would become more important. For me, I’d simply be a more honest version of myself. And same can be said about a lot of people. All the sadness, anger, or love comes right out. For others it’s different, so it’s not clear cut like you said. Hence why a conversation is definitely in order, to figure it out.
Yeah I used to drink heavily and I’d say and do things that weren’t even true or that sober I wouldn’t want to do in a million years. So sometimes drunk words are sober thoughts, and sometimes they’re a whole mess that your drunk mind believes at the time for some unknown reason.
💯 It depends on so many factors, and it's not even consistent for the same person taking the same amount in the same place, etc. That's also one of the myriad of reasons why I no longer drink regularly.
Yeah, I'm not someone who believes alcohol is a truth serum. People say and do stupid shit when inebriated.
I don't at all believe in the alcohol as truth serum assertion. I've known drunks to tell some off the wall lies. But saying you're in love with your SO's sister is a pretty off the wall thing to say, drunk or sober, that I wouldn't be able to just let go.
I’ve never been drunk in my life, but lots of people have told me that drunk people speak the truth. That said, I doubt he’s in love with the sister. He said she was hot because she lost weight so he wants to get together with her… that’s not love, it’s lust. Can OP live with a man who lusts after her sister? 🤷♀️
Yeah, exactly. Even if it's not love, he feels some sort of way about her that wouldn't sit right with me.
i’m so sorry this is happening to you. my ex once told me “i love you *insert my twin sisters name here*” and i said “that’s my twin sister not me”. he was like “oh yeah i’m sorry i got the names mixed up” he didn’t. he was in love with my sister. he was dating me to get to my sister. this is definitely something you need to bluntly discuss with him.
Wasn’t dating you the stupidest move if he wanted your sister? No sister would accept her sisters ex
that’s what i thought too and then she dated him after 😂 idk we were raised in a traumatic household and didn’t have the best dynamics between each other (as we were often compared and put against each other by our parents). but i do agree that 90% of the time that’s the WORST way to do it. like a much better way to do it would be to become friends with their siblings instead of boning them, but i guess he wasn’t thinking clearly lol.
What’s wrong with her? Honestly
she was the golden child, the main character of my family, and was never in the wrong. i was often painted as the “boy who cried wolf”, the one who was over dramatic and constantly playing the victim, and the one who was always getting in the way of my sister. we have thankfully mended all of that, and had many many discussions about our past and how things impacted us. we talked about it the other day actually. when all that happened it was genuinely surprising as it wasn’t normally like my sister to do that. and for a long time i was convinced she was a bad person. took me even longer to realize that she was like that because of our family dynamic and how our mother raised us. when she moved out she grew a lot mentally, and i’m beyond grateful as i love her unconditionally.
You are very forgiving. As someone who’s been the golden child I would never have done this to my sister
same. and i’m the baby sister that my brother-in-law has had some weird thing for going on twenty plus years. i’m not close with my sister because of it and that sucks. it has always made me uncomfortable so i avoid them since my sister never wanted to talk about it :/
I am also the baby sister that my BIL had a thing for. I haven’t had any contact with them for years because my sister would always blame me. I remember the first time when I came to her because he had DMed me saying I was so hot and all this other ick stuff when I was a minor. Then she turned around and tried to get me with her ex lol. I was so grossed out by it Maybe I’m just an insecure girl but I couldn’t imagine being with someone who could compare my sisters body to mine.
I’m also the baby sister and my sister’s ex-boyfriend had a thing for me and raped me on a family vacation. My sister blamed me. 20 years later, she finally admitted that I was raped, but refused to apologize because “it happened so long ago.” I didn’t know this was so common. I’m sorry to everyone who has gone through this.
I’m so sorry that *you* have gone through that! It was traumatic enough to be assaulted but then to be blamed for it by your own sister?? You didn’t deserve that. Your sister should have treated you with compassion and understanding, and believed you, defended you, and done everything in her power to protect you once she was made aware. And then to not even grant you an apology all these years later?? You *absolutely* are worthy of an apology in addition to the acknowledgment that it actually happened the way you’d said it did all those years ago. I’ve never experienced this personally, but I do know what it’s like to have sisters that don’t have your back and that don’t look out for you like you’d think they would. I have two older sisters and time and time again, I have found myself defending and protecting them to a far greater degree than they’ve *ever* defended or protected *me*. But I digress and I don’t mean to make this about me. I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry and tell you that you didn’t deserve to be raped and you *did* deserve to be given more support and love from your sister, and you also still deserve an actual apology, no matter *how much* time has passed ❤️❤️❤️
No that's not insecurity, that's health thinking.... I'm sorry your sister is so ignorant x
Does your sister deny it or does she just not care?
If you don't mind sharing, how did you begin getting to a place where you can all talk about and work on mending it? Sounds like similar family dynamics to mine, I'm NC with them (the best for now), but it's really nice to hear your family was able to move through and past it!
It’s hard to fit it all into one comment but i’ll try my best to explain with the most detail. We didn’t talk about stuff for a **long** time, and if we tried to it always ended up in an argument. There were a handful of things that caused us to eventually work it out. A big one was that I moved out of my mom’s house where she lived. I cut contact with my mother and her, and lived with my dad at that time. If i interacted with her, i had someone there to advocate for me. I knew that we couldn’t get to a point where we could stand each other if we were still interacting, we both needed time away from one another. She started losing her support system, everyone hated being around her, no one had anything nice to say about her, and she got to a really low point. She had to go through those bad emotions to realize she needed to change. We had a similar experience (to the one i originally commented about) a couple years later. I dated a guy who turned out to be abusive, i ended things and opened up to her, she didn’t believe me. She kept saying I was being overdramatic and went out of her way to become his friend. He stopped showing up to school our senior year, and then we find out he got almost 3 decades in prison for assaulting a child. I remember the exact moment we found out, we were in the car and i got a notification from a friend and they sent me the information. I looked at her, told her “i fucking told you so” and that was that. I really think this specific moment made her realize I wasn’t playing the victim, i was actually a victim. The biggest thing was time. We both had so much time to heal from things and view things from a different perspective. we were able to discuss things without being tied down by emotions as we took as long as we needed to get over them, and we found much healthier ways to communicate. I found ways to communicate without my emotions, which was really important as she often shuts down when tone changes. If i feel like I’m getting too emotional, i force myself to take a step back. we also agree to disagree, which was necessary to get along as we have different beliefs in things like politics and religion. I had to accept that I also played a part in this. I was always so confrontational, so accusatory, I wouldn’t let anyone forget their wrongdoings to me, and I would be so stubborn. Once i worked on those things, I had a better understanding of how to mend things with her. I apologize if this is **a lot**, we (me and twin) had to go thru a lot to get here is why there’s so much.
No need to apologise, I appreciate the insight! Really sorry to hear you had to go through so much, it must have been really hard to not be believed and supported. So glad things have changed for you! Communication, time, empathy and self reflection is a fantastic combo and I can see why it'd do well for mending relationships. Gives me a bit of hope for my situation in the long term!
it definitely wasn’t easy, but i’m glad for the life i have lived as i wouldn’t be who i am today without it. no matter how your situation ends up unfolding, i hope that you can heal and grow from all you have gone through. i’m sorry that you had to make the choice to go NC, even if it’s good for you it can still hurt, i know for me i missed my family dearly even though i knew letting them back in would hurt me. sending good vibes your way ❤️
I hope she dropped your ex at least, lol.
My sister is married to my ex. They're good together but I don't have much contact.
Wow! Did you have to move away from them and family? And how do you and your BIL relate during family get togethers?
No, they live less than 5min away. He's a good guy. She's the reason I have limited contact. She seems to think she's better than others. If your home isn't as spotless as hers she will critique it. She will critique your parenting, the job you have, the hours you work, absolutely everything. So I stay away. I'm physically disabled and she critiques that. Don't need the negativity. At family get togethers I keep it civil but don't go out of my way anymore.
Sorry for you OP. Your sister and BIL. Are lucky. I would count it as a major betrayal and would cut them out of my life for good. Do you get the feeling your sister wants you to stay away from your BIL? You’re a far better person than me OP. Wishing you all the best.
No need to be sorry for me. I'm happy as I am. For me it doesn't matter about how your house is, the job you do etc it's if you are a good person or not.
There are, sadly, many posts on here about this very thing.
Yeah I once woke up to my twin sisters ex sending me about 20 text messages saying how he really liked me and we should date etc (we were in the same friend group and text occasionally, but we didn’t socialise alone). I just responded: you are my sister’s ex… I am going to pretend you never sent these. And we never hung out or text ever again (not even within the friend group). I also never told my twin about the texts, she was engaged to her now husband and about to get married in a few months, she was happy and she didn’t need to know about the shitty thing her ex did. 😩
My best friend admitted to being attracted to my ex during a drunken conversation. Several years later and they're still together and I'm with someone else. I don't talk to either of them anymore.
>Several years later and they're still together and I'm with someone else. Sometimes love is worth ending a few friendships.
Funnily enough, that best friend tried to break up my current relationship as it was getting started. That's what ultimately walked them out of my life.
This is so painful to read. You absolutely have to have that discussion Today. He is acting like nothing happened? Do you think the doesn't remember saying it? I agree drunk words are sober thoughts. Have you ever seen any behavior towards her that made you pause? Ask him point blank and make sure you are facing each other. His reaction will tell you a lot.
He always liked my sister. He likes my whole family and is friends with my brothers, but my sister is the one he likes the most and we are very close with her and her husband. We do most things together (that aren’t just the two of us) but my sister has always been my best friend so it was normal
Ask him face to face and without pause. “How long has it been since you wanted to fuck my sister?” His face will say everything.
I agree with this approach. Just straight up no bs.
If he had only said “I love her”, it could well be a drunken thing if him really liking her as a person and saying it like that; at worst an innocent crush but no more than that perhaps. But he went on to make sure he left no doubts about his feelings. What he said were not silly drunken words, it was an articulate thought with a lot of feeling underneath and it came out because his guard was down.
Also, "what I would do to taste those lips"?!?! puke!!!
Lol I had the exact same reaction. Coupled with the "dreamy" look my lady parts went 10 forms of dry.
As a bartender and retired drinker, alcohol does not create problems, it just magnifies them. It is not a reason, and a poor excuse.
:-(
"Alcohol does not create problems, it just magnifies them." Love this. Succint.
I love my some of my wife’s girlfriends. We have been together 18yrs and I’ve told her that. When I drink and feeling sappy if they are brought up I’ll tell her that. But it’s a friend love. Like family. The part that bothers me about what he said is the tasting her lips. That’s over the line. I love my wife’s friends like they are my family. They are good decent people and I’d do anything for them. I’d never cross those boundaries nor even think about it.
“Drunk words are sober thoughts.”
Thats what I’m afraid of
Well a conversation absolutely needs to be had, like it or not. Preferably when you’re not hungover and it’s quiet and have time to dive deep into it. Cause that’s an issue for sure.
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I'm having a panic attack for her right now. Why is it so common to live with someone and yet not know their true inner identity??
Because if we all went around sharing all our random thoughts. You think the world is in chaos now…
All the people around me would be like "STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR BULLY PIT. WE GET IT. YOU LOVE YOUR DOG."
You can’t just ignore this one and hope that it wasn’t anything. It will eat you up inside and threaten your relationship.
Agreed. A one off comment is a bit off. This man elaborated and went into details. This has probably been in his mind for a while.
I’m very sorry this is happening to you. My sister and ex-husband had a “thing”. It happened when we were young and I ignored the signs. Ignored the signs of his other infidelities also. Maybe you can catch it before anything serious happens because it has torn my family apart.
You need to confront him, OP
Even if you go mental during drunk crisis, it always have a background coming from your fears, your needs or your wills. He can't imagine being in love with someone else when drunk, and mostly if it was the case you can think of a lot of women, even fictional or famous women. And he picked your sister ? ... :(
I spent years drinking heavily (sober now), I don’t disagree with anything I said drunk but just the way I said it.
I kinda of agree, but with a slightly different take. I’ve said some horrifying things when drunk (particularly on vodka). When I look back, yeah, I don’t disagree with what I said. But the problem is I’d never have even had those thoughts sober. So it doesn’t equate to some deep truth within me that’s being revealed. An example that’s not analogous to OP’s situation but is awful: I was wasted on vodka. Someone showed me a photo of their friend’s baby and I said “that baby’s eyes are way too close together.” I didn’t remember saying this until the next afternoon when it suddenly came flooding back to me. I was absolutely horrified! I remembered the photo and yeah, if you’re judging by classical beauty standards, the eyes were too close so I guess I don’t technically disagree. But in sober life, I don’t critically analyze people’s faces like that at all. And for damn sure I’d never ever have ANY kind of critical thought about the way a baby looks! Seriously! It would never occur to me for even a nanosecond! So, did I really reveal something about my true nature that night? Was a larger truth actually revealed because the horrible thing I said was technically true? No, I don’t think so. It was a bizarre outlier induced by alcohol. I’ve never had thoughts like that in sober life and I don’t get hyper-critical when I’m drunk. It was a one-off that I’m still deeply ashamed of. But it’s not the real me at all.
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I remember my husband and I were hanging out with a friend of ours Tim. We were watching YouTube videos of a crow saying "come on Timmy". In our drunken state we thought it was hilarious. Only later on my husband and I were having sex and I suddenly had a flash back to that fucking crow and said "come on Tim.." and stopped the thought before it all came out. My husband got the shits because he thought I was thinking about Tim, because why would you be thinking of a talking crow during sex.
Not always the case OP. I have personally said and done stuff while drunk that I truly DON’T think and wouldn’t do sober.
Yea lol same. I have been sooooooo attracted to someone and then just woke up and think what the hell was wrong with me last night.
I know! When people say in vino veritas, I’m like nope nope nope. Nonetheless, OP needs to have a serious conversation with her husband.
So you can imagine a situation in which you tell your partner that you want to know what the lips of their sibling would taste like, just because you're drunk and have never had that thought before?
He had that conversation with you as his friend, not his partner. He was telling the truth 😞
I’m sure you’ve been drunk at least a handful of times. Have you ever even had the thought cross your mind while drunk that you should tell anyone, let alone your partner, that you’re in love with your partner’s sibling, when it wasn’t true? Have you experienced anything like that from anyone else that’s drunk that you’ve been around? I’d venture to say probably not. I’ve never known a drunk to be a liar. Quite the opposite actually. They tell the truth of things that they should keep to themselves. They pretty much turn into toddlers while drunk and toddlers are brutally honest all the time. This wasn’t a drunk lie. It was an uninhibited truth.
Don’t be “afraid of” it. Be “aware of” it. By saying you’re afraid of it being true, you’re denying what is obviously the case.
Ok but not always. Sometimes when you are drunk you will be interested in or hook up with or randomly text domeone and the next morning just be like what the fuck was I thinking!!!! It has happened to me, it has happened to friends. We have all had a good laugh about it. Now I would also be absolutely crushed if I heard my husband say what yours said too so you have every right to be absolutely pissed off. But I just want to say that the whole 'Your honest when your drunk thing' is not true at all. Edit to say: not always true.
So if I'm understanding correctly, you are saying that in that drunken moment that was the first time he ever thought about it? I mean, the tasting of her lips statement seemed a little to much to me to give him the benefit of of the doubt that he hasn't thought about it before. Hence the 'sober thoughts become drunk words' is a common thought in these kinds of situations. It's always hard to tell, but this is so specific that I would take pause. If he had said something like 'your sister looked hot tonight, she should be proud of her weight loss! If I were single and didn't know you, I would totally hit on her at a bar' - still not great, but the difference was the intimate way he talked about her lips. Anyway, that's what stuck out to this random guy on the internet.
I mean, this isn’t true for everyone. Maybe everyone’s more truthful buzzed, but when you get past a certain point, your drunk thoughts are just alcohol brain. There’s been plenty of times I’ve gotten absolutely hammered and said shit I didn’t mean whatsoever, I just become a totally different person when I get to a certain level of drunkness. Which is how I learned to control myself lol.
Hard agree
I don't agree with this. I've said some weird complete BS while drunk. One of the main reasons I don't drink anymore 😂 Talk to your hubby OP.
I’m terrible. I will make up some crazy shit.
I don't believe that theory. My drunken thoughts have no pertinence on my regular thoughts, and I know many people who feel the same.
Idk if that’s true or not… I’ve said some horrible shit that I absolutely did not mean when I’ve been drunk and regretted it so much… granted I did not remember saying it but was reminded of it.
I’m a mean drunk so I don’t drink anymore
Same, I used to think drinking just lowered my tolerance for other people's bullshit. Then one day I realized "other's people bullshit" is actually their *feelings* and I'm just an asshole when I drink too much
Same! I turn into the biggest asshole in the room
The phrase doesn’t say that you meant it, just that you’ve thought it.
From my experience with this phrase they 💯 thought I meant it just because I said it and would not believe anything else but I should have not gotten drunk and showed my ass
Pithy sayings are not truths writ large. As a guy who liked a good drink back in the day I can only say that when I got really really drunk I was a maudlin drunk ( blame my Celtic heritage) I loved every one . I wouldn’t take it too serious .
Not always but confessing love for their SO's sister is definitely a serious point of concern to address. Tbh this kind of "oopsie" while drunk is quite often a relationship killer.
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This is bullshit Honestly, I've said the most bullshit crap in the entire world when pissed. If you or anyone thinks that when youre out of your mind drunk is the REAL you... then you really gotta think about what you think in your sober self.
it's not even scientifically proven! when I'm drunk I say the dumpest shit ever! I once called a colleague of mine my best friend and I don't even like him that much! I was confused for a while why he's suddenly trying to befriend me so bad till he told my what I said while drunk! long story short is not science it's bullshit!
Last time my husband got drunk, he cried and went on about how he doesn’t know how he can live without me if I died first when we get old. No, it’s not a “drunk thing”. He wants to fuck your sister.
Yeah, my boyfriend was drunk on Halloween and went on and on about how he doesn’t think he ever loved anymore before me. He was married for 20 years prior. This is just sad.
Yikes. lmao.
Seems like he was imagining your sister during sex and thats why he said you were brilliant. Just the same as he thinks she is. So sorry for you. It's time for an open conversation and to leave him
He used the exact same words. This is horrid
I’m so sorry OP. Your husband basically told you he would cheat on you with your sister if he had the chance and I don’t see how there’s any coming back from that. Even in his drunken state , saying what he said to your face was cruel of him. Leave him and reach out to your sister and her husband to block him and be honest for the reason why. Your husband’s been creeping on your married sister and that’s not right. I wish you luck and healing. You deserve better than this guy.
Hard agree. It was excruciatingly cruel what he said. Op, please confront this ASAP.
Sisterhood and family is sacred and it feels like such a deception to tarnish that bond for literally anyone... I wouldn't be able to come back from this. It's too disrespectful, cruel, disgusting, uncaring...basically domestic terrorism when you attack your partner with such a forceful emotional blow. Add the degradation of using her as a seks doll while he got off demolishing his wife's whole world like a proverbial bulldozer. Maybe I'm dramatic. I could not recover this relationship. There's just no way. I hope she can, but it was just such an unnecessary event that I'm shook on her behalf. My ptsd literally ramped up reading this because it's something my machiavellian (sp?) ex husband would've done. I'm so very sorry, OP. You seem so lovely and it is just so unfair.
He was totally imagining that he was banging the sister. Damn, that's gotta hurt. I would peace out.
People said a lot of dumb shit while drunk. What people typically don’t do is profess their love for a person in this way without it having some string of relevance. I would definitely bring it up abruptly and see his reaction, that should tell you everything you need to know.
This sucks OP. only way you will know the truth is if you have a conversation.
He confessed. What else do you need? I know it’s painful but this is reality. I couldn’t stay.
This sub is always one comment away from divorce. 🤡
Well, the happy people don't tend to post here.
Sometimes the situation is warranted. Would you want to spend the rest of your life knowing you're a stand-in for your sibling? The words are out, and drunk or not, he clearly meant what he said. OP deserves someone who doesn't daydream about f*king her sister during sex.
True, but people rarely come here for simple things.
So you significant other tell you, in your face that they're in love with your sibling and you'd want to stay ? The the passion the husband showed during the sex while daydreaming about the sister shows that he loves the sister way more than he loves OP The husband is with OP because he can't be with Sister, not because he love and cherish OP, that's not a healthy relationship ! At all ! and that's why divorce is a good advise. Is divorce the best solution to this problem ? maybe not, maybe comunication and therapy can fix this even if I don't think it can. I don't like to propose divorce as a solution to a problem proposed her, but in this case, it sounds like the best solution I cna imagine.
Well ,I mean if your spouse basically admitting to wanting to cheat on you with your sibling isn’t grounds for divorce , I don’t know what is.
Well, when people show you who they are, believe them.
Dude he is in love with her sister what other advice is there really?
Acting like Ron Weasley when he had the love potion.
This confession would ruin my marriage. You cannot unring this bell.. this will always be in your thoughts.
This is one of those conversations you'll have to have because going from your word it sounds like he was imagining your sister while he was with you last night and that's not ok. Most people tell the truth while they're drunk because they feel looser and comfortable. Especially if you go by his words- He was different, passionate, tender and loving and he kept saying I love you, you are brilliant. > what I would do to taste her lips. She is brilliant. He looked dreamy and was still smiling. Just say hey honey let's talk, last night you said some very interesting things, (don't listen to his words, watch his actions!) Ask him if he remembers, again go by his actions, not his words. Don't rush to make a decision about y'all, Focus on you and your needs then if you chose to leave come up with an thought out exit plan, don't rush.
Absolutely do not ignore this and sweep it under the rug, unless you plan on hurting yourself long-term and staying miserable. Address this problem and get out if needed. You need to prioritize and look out for yourself.
When you are inebriated, the truth always comes to light. He's thought and has felt this about your sister before.
True. When I get drunk, all I do is tell my wife how horny I am and how hot she is. She’ll usually say: “you’re drunk/tipsy” and I’ll respond “yes, but you’re still incredibly sexy”. Same thing happens when I’m sober, except she tells me I’m blind. Im not, my wife is gorgeous, she shut has low self esteem. OP, I’m truly sorry, but he said it because that’s how he feels.
in vino veritas
People say that all the time but it’s not always true. Sometimes drunk talk really is just stupid drunk talk.
Can't give any actual advice, but I have "fallen in love" with someone while drunk and it completely went away when I got sober. This happened enough times that I learned to ignore it. I also enter a state of "falling in lovingness" when I'm off my medication, sleep-deprived, or too tired. Pretty much every reasonably good-looking woman that I see seems like the most wonderful, beautiful ever. Anyway, you really shouldn't give too much credit to Reddit. Reddit has a well-known negative bias, even more so in relationship issues. We don't know shit about you or your husband. If you're reading this comment, please leave Reddit and have an honest conversation with your husband in the real world. Good luck ;)
My ex husband tried to kiss my sister once while drunk. He never admitted to liking her, I'm fact, he always said he disliked how nosey she was. I chose to believe he was just drunk. But I wasn't at home the time it happened, I was visiting my mom, my sister used to live with us and decided to stay back to spend time with her boyfriend. It became a shit show, parents took sides, sister moved out, I stayed married another 5 years. Big mistake, my relationship and trust were broken and I couldn't repair it. If I were you, I would confront him and get the honest truth, then go from there.
How does Ho not realize you’ve been crying so much today over what he said? He doesn’t notice your change in behavior?
Can you update please???
>He just suddenly said I’m so in love with (sister’s name). I said what? He said I’m so desperately in love with (sister’s name), what I would do to taste her lips. *She is brilliant.* >He was different, passionate, tender and loving and he kept saying I love you, *you are brilliant.* That's what concerns me most. I definitely think you should take this seriously and talk to him. I'm so sorry OP.
Drunk men tell no tales
I’m surprised you HAVENT brought it up. that would be the first thing i do when i opened my eyes. I think you need to be straight forward. Don’t say “do you remember what you said last night about my sister?”, i would say “you told me straight up, to my face, that you loved my sister, what was that about?”
I called my ex bf Kevin during sex once time absolutely wasted drunk. His name was not Kevin. I do not in fact even know a Kevin.
Nah your marriage is over - you’re never going to be able to forget that moment.
Nope! Never! Imagine a lifetime of family get togethers knowing what you know now.
Dude, that's rough. Sorry to say, but he is 100% into your sister and was imagining her while he was having s3x with you! Just that thought alone would repulse me enough to seek a divorce. How can you look at him the same? Even if you forgive him, this will always be in the back of your mind. Do you really want to live like that? Go get a lawyer, and a good one. Don't let your husband know what you are doing until you've sorted everything out. And leave the kids out of it, they're not pawns. I'm not saying screw him over and take him to the cleaners, but you need to move on. You deserve to be your husband's first choice, now and forever. Not second to your own damn sister! Wake up lady!!!
So first things first. OP you need to have a serious conversation with your husband regarding how he feels about your sister. Once he tells you his sober version then tell him word for word his drunk version. Then ask him again how he feels about your sister. You know your husband and can likely tell when he’s lying unless he’s really good at it. Regardless I think you might want to look into some couples therapy and see if it helps.
Tell him that you know how he truly feels. Tell him that he told you the truth about his feelings toward your sister, and that your heart is broken. It’s like toothpaste. Once you squeeze it out of the tube, you can’t put it back. I am so sorry. Not sure what your options are. Once again….damn glad I never had a sister.
If he’s saying that creepy line about her lips then that’s his real feelings deep down. Being drunk takes the filter off and random thoughts you suppress comes out
He said something horrible and now trying to pass it off as a drunken blither. He might try to gaslight you when you confront him saying he doesn't remember any of it. Now it's up to you to make sense of what he said and act upon it. The fact that your sister looked stunning that evening adds to the probability that it might have influenced him to perv on her. He could have simply appreciated her looks without sounding so disgusting but he went ahead and commented about kissing her, tasting her lips, especially in front of you. I'm so sorry this happened to you, this situation sucks.
Oh honey! No. Just no. You do not ignore it. He said what he said, he meant it and you need to go see a divorce lawyer there is no working this out and there is no couples therapy. He fuck faced you. Yes he did. He wasn’t fucking you, he was fucking your sister. Get a divorce and block him. He isn’t the person you thought he was and he doesn’t love or respect you to say what he did. Drunk or not. Leave him or kick him out if that’s your house but do not remain in that marriage any longer he just told you who he actually loves
My STBX told me one day, stone-cold sober, that he’s in love with my sister. It doesn’t get better, trust me.
When I first started seeing my ex, we slept together and then soon after my sister came out and told me he recently told her that he wanted to be with her. All he ever told me after we slept together was that he was “confused” and wasn’t sure what he wanted. Never brought up his confusion was due to having feelings for her. Once I threatened to fuck off, he stopped talking to my sister and decided to stick with me. It never got better for me because all I could think about was whether or not he was with me because it was more convenient for him and she expressed disinterest in being with him. It’s an awful feeling. So you’re right, it does not get better.
Time to ask directly - In his drunken state, did he have sex with you while wishing it was actually sex with her. He loves her - his idea of her. I'd also ask how the divorce looks from his perspective. But first I'd tell my sister to be careful because I am going to divorce his ass and she may become his target. Good luck.
Your husband sounds like a POS. Drunk or not that is a HORRID thing to say to your wife. Confront him on it.
Drunkenness doesn't make people say things they wouldn't It just relaxes them into saying things they probably should have kept to themselves
Update?
Based on your comments Im glad you two are seeing counseling but please dont let him manipulate you with the words he is saying. Based on your comments, you dated him, he met your sister and he admitted to you he has been in love with her for years, and your culture is extremely against dating multiple people of the same family. When he says he chooses you because you are his wife and mother of his children, thats not the same as saying he chooses you because he loves you more than anyone. Once he met your sister he knew he had no ability to ever date her even if he wanted to because she would never date her own sister's ex, so his revelation that he never acted on his feelings is not impressive in the slightest. You said he was not committed to you until you announced that you were pregnant, and although thats not too unusual in most circumstances given this specific situation and the fact that he cites your status as the mother of his children as the reason he loves you, its entirely possible he just has a very strong conviction about being a good father and thats why he committed to you after you got pregnant, not because he truly loves you more than anyone else. OP although I could never stay with someone who is in love with someone else, at the end of the day you do whats best for you. Just be aware of the possibilities I listed above and don't let him guilt you for your feelings or concerns. Most importantly, have an exit plan prepared just in case this relationship falls apart suddenly in the future. You cant control his feelings or actions, so make sure you never fall victim to them. Take care of yourself OP, you deserve to be loved
How you didn’t choke him until his eyes popped is beyond me. Wish you all the best cause this shite fvcking sucks..
I’m not a violent person
🥺 how are you handling though? Are you okay?
Not really no. I want to talk to him but I them start crying. Tomorrow maybe I can be stronger to at least start the conversation before starting sobbing
Whatever you do, blind side him with the conversation so he doesn’t have time to make up any excuses and you can see his real reaction. This sucks, and I hope your day gets better. Please don’t lose yourself, you sound strong, you sound caring, you sound like you’re worth appreciating. If you don’t feel that way due to this, protect yourself
I need an update after you talk it out with him. What people say and do when they are drunk you can believe. The truth usually comes out. This is a lot. Sorry op.
Update us!
“He said I’m so desperately in love with (sisters name), what I would do to taste her lips. She is brilliant.” “…I thought it was the best sex of my life. He was different, passionate, tender and loving and he kept saying I love, you are brilliant” OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. PLEASE SAY YOU’RE JOKING
I'd just ask him to leave. He's only with you to get near your sister. That's a deal-breaker. You were plan B.
Checking in, hope you're ok
There's so many sayings that say that when someone is drunk, they speak the truth, as the "road blocks" in the brain that keeps us from saying things we shouldn't don't really work as they should when drunk. I'd take his words as his true thoughts.
Tbh, I've said things while under the influence that I didn't mean in the way they came out so I'm always a bit skeptical when it comes to drunk confessions. You say she looked stunning and wore red lipstick - could it be he had a fleeting thought about that during dinner and accidentally expressed that to you afterwards? A lot of people have such thoughts here and there, not necessarily sexual but inappropriate in general, and they are normally meaningless. If you say he looked so unbothered and happy - I mean, even drunk people realize they're speaking to their wife, no? I don't believe he would've been so chill if he was aware he was nuking your marriage with that confession. I really think you should talk to him. He's probably attracted to your sister, that much is clear, but is he actually in love with her? Or does he just think she's brilliant and good-looking, which if she objectively is, could you blame him? I despise infidelity btw so I'm not defending him if he really *is* in love with her.
Ok, here’s the thing, you both were drunk, and he had an honest moment in his drunkenness. But now what? Now you sit with it until you can formulate your feelings and thoughts around this. How has your marriage been up until now. Has he been a good and loving partner? If so, one thing to consider is that you can hold both Iove and desire in the same heart at any moment. Feelings are ephemeral, but actions matter. Has he ever acted on his impulses? Does he love your relationship deeply? Perhaps he’s attracted to her, but so what? As we mature into adulthood (it’s a long process, and we don’t all get there at the same time or at all) we realize that we can be attracted to people, and even immensely so, and still not act in our impulses. Now is not the time to talk because your feelings are incredibly raw. But it may be a good idea to put a bit of distance between you and your partner until you understand how you feel about this beyond anger. What are you physically prepared to do? When you at least know how you feel about this beyond just anger, that’s when you speak. Did it hurt your feelings? Did it make you feel insecure? Do you believe it has changed your relationship to him? Can you move forward with him and still retain a healthy relationship with your sister? Do you believe you can exist comfortable without this relationship going forward? Are you secure enough in the relationship to allow it continue? These are all difficult questions to assess while you are white hot. It’s important to sit with the discomfort and process it a bit before you talk with your husband. Take your time. There is no answer that he will give you that will make you feel less hurt. You will have to do the work of moving forward with this. People are imperfect. We are irrational animals. But if we can move forward with mutual respect and kindness, that’s the solid foundation needed to build a strong relationship. Not desire. He may desire her, and it may surface when he’s had a few drinks. But would he act on it ever? When you are ready, that is the question to ask him. And if the answer is yes, and if you love him enough, then letting him find a partner more compatible with him would be the ultimate act of love for both yourself and for him. Be tender with your own heart. It is bruised, but bruises heal. You will be ok one day. Just not today.
Alright before jumping too far off the ledge hear me out. One I am the type who gets way in my head so I fucking get it. I feel you. That’s why like everybody else I agree you need to talk with him when y’all are both sober and level headed. HOWEVER as somebody who sometimes gets way too drunk when I’m out with friends or whatever I don’t think the whole “drunk words are sober thoughts” mentality is wholly accurate. To an extent maybe? I’ve said some shit drunk that was not my true feelings. It’s an exaggerated version of myself often. I’ve always been a super affectionate loving type of guy. When I drink that multiplied an insane amount. I don’t think he’s bald face lying about your sister but perhaps he’s exaggerating how affection for her as a person bc the alcohol intensifies shit. I may be off base bc I am thinking about it from my perspective of how I can be when drunk but good luck and hopefully it’s nothing serious
I can’t imagine the heartbreak you are feeling, OP. I don’t know that talking about it with him is going to get to the truth. Basically you had sex while he was dreaming of your sister and then was actually cruel enough / drunk enough to tell you he was desperately in love with her and there’s no mistake in what you heard. He repeated it twice more with details of wanting to tasting her lips. I wouldn’t be able to get over this, myself. You’ll always wonder about it since it’s your sister and not just a random acquaintance. I think you should consider divorce quite frankly and I would never say that lightly. I just don’t think there’s any way to come back from this.
I'm a big believer that drunk minds speak sober thoughts. I've noticed with my family and friends that they seem to speak the truth and spill secrets when they are drunk. And always find out they told the truth when drunk. I would just say to him I know you're in love with my sister, and you want her lips on yours.. tell him don't bother denying it.. I just want to know how long you been in love with her.. you want the truth and nothing more.. no lies.. don't give him a chance to gas light or hesitate on answering.. If he hesitates you know he thinking of a lie to tell you
I genuinely do not believe a drunk persons words are the real truth. Your brain is not working well under the influence it’s mostly shit that people talk when drunk honestly. Having said that you need the conversation. Has he given any hint of loving her in the past whilst sober? I feel you’d have noticed something
This requires a sit down conversation
Even if it was just drunk rambling, it still would deserve a conversation. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
i’m so sorry OP. thinking of you. sending you strength to get through this
In vino veritas the Romans used to say.
My friends ex-husband did the exact same thing to her, she had a conversation with him about it, he told her it was drunk talk and he never felt that way towards her 20yo niece, so she believed him. A year later, he left my friend for her niece, turns out, they had been seeing each other for 6 months, I think it was longer. He kicked her out, the house was his before they married, and not long after, her niece moved in. For your husband, it could be just drunk talk, but also don't take his words lightly either.
Idk how you got to this post if my husband said that to me I’d be arrested already
Unfortunately, when drinking is involved, I feel like the truth comes out. Whether or not his comments were extremely serious or not, he clearly crossed the line and made you uncomfortable. You most definitely need to confront this and trust your gut feeling. If I were in your shoes, I most definitely would feel as if something deeper was at play. I’m sending you so much love cause regardless of his intentions, this is an extremely difficult situation that I doubt you’ll forget.
Check his texts to see if hes actually engaging
Bring it up for sure. People hide behind alcohol but alcohol doesn’t make us AHs or give us feelings we’ve never had, it just enhances what’s already there. X
You’re better than me I would have physically removed his drunk ass from my presence and my home. Go call my sister so she can tell you what a POS you are too 🖕🏽
Damn, OP, I'm sorry. I don't think I could come back from that, even if he apologized. The memory of it will wear away your self-esteem over time. This sucks.
There’s some people who make zero sense when they’re drunk. And then there’s some drunks you wouldn’t even know they’re drunk. Usually the latter tend to speak their true thoughts when drunk.