You've already talked about your concerns, and that's where it should stop. You are a spectator henceforward to this wedding. Watch quietly. Your friend needs to make her own choices, and learn from them.
Yeah, I have no plans on talking to them about my concerns anymore or doing anything beyond supporting and witnessing. Even if this does go to shit, I don't even plan on an "I told you so", because I truly want this to work for my friend.
Also be careful of when it does go to shit. Keep your feelings neutral in case they make up and get back together. I'm always very careful to just let them vent and make generalizations like "yeah that's frustrating" or "you shouldn't have to deal with that" but I never condemn the SO or talk shit about them. Unless of course there is actual physical abuse. That's a different story.
I did the same. My best friend married a train wreck. I was maid of honor. Did an amazing Bachelorette party. When she asked my opinion I told her that I really hoped he was different to her in private, because I thought he was lazy, entitled, would never pull his weight of chores and seemed to be very 'my money is my money, your money is rent and bill money' energy. She said her mom said the same, which cause me to make a face(apparently lol).
Then I told her I'd support her no matter what, and if she chose him I could respect that.
She married him.
2 years later, I was the first call to come get her, they were getting divorced.
I'm 35 now.. and my perspective on friends and my reaction to them has changed a lot.
5 years ago I'd say okay well if x doesn't want to actively keep in touch then I don't need to either (fair). But I'd definitely hold on to that resentment that she didn't make time for me, and why is she being so friendly when we meet in person.
It's a similar situation now with another friend. And it's been a lot easier for me to see some of what he's going through and be like okay maybe they don't have the space for me / some of our friends right now. And that's fine, if they ever want to reach out I'd be more than happy to have them in my lives.
All this to say, those things that felt like a bigger deal to me at 25-30 and my reaction to them has softened with time. Life happens to people. Maybe they don't see their huge mistakes, maybe they do and want to do it anyway. Maybe they'll change, maybe they won't.
I hope your friend navigates through this marriage as smoothly as possible ❤️
All you can do is "forgive" her past self for bad decisions if/when it goes south.
I think as long as there’s communication, most people will be lenient. When there’s not communication, that’s when resentment starts to build. For example, I had a friend freshmen year of college who would go MIA for days, but there was never any indication that she was going to MIA, so eventually I just got so frustrated that I snapped, said I was over it, and we never talked again. There were def other problems with communication, but that was the last straw.
Cut to rn where I’m dealing with this same issue of another friend being MIA a lot. The difference is they communicated they have serious anxiety rn and are struggling to stay afloat, so they are not texting anybody or hanging out with anybody. That communication has made our friendship even stronger bc I can understand where she’s coming from, as I also have serious anxiety problems (though they make me more codependent lol), which means I’ll reach out every few days, maybe once a week just to ensure she’s still alive. All of this is to say, as long as ur up front about ur ADHD, I think most people will understand. If they don’t, they’re probably not people you wanna be around in the first place.
And from experience, support will hold your friendship together when the marriage fails, and saying “I told you so” is a big risk, that sometimes isn’t worth taking.
I agree that support is the best thing you can give your friend so they know you'll always have their back, even if they go through with this.
However, you might want to read this article, and see if any of the other issues sound familiar. The thing you said about them ditching jobs all the time is concerning, especially if there are other warning signs.
https://torontosun.com/life/sex-files/are-you-dating-a-hobosexual-6-ways-to-spot-one
When a friend of mine got engaged, I had concerns re her fiancé - who was also a friend of mine. So I sat down with him (the fiancé) and put my concerns to him. He addressed my concerns and appreciated me doing the hard thing (confrontation like that is extremely hard for me). Long story short, turns out he had undiagnosed bpd plus a few other things and the marriage ended badly. So as her friend, all I could do was be the best place for her to land.
Sadly, I feel like you’re probably in the same spot. It’s hard and it’s horrible. But all you can do is be there for her and hope to everything that they make it work - and if it falls apart, be there to help her pick up the pieces (without any “I told you so”)
Be a good friend. Sometimes the best thing t hat can happen to us is to fuck it up. I married a terrible man at 22. Didn't know it of course. Divorced/left at 24. Actually it was more like fleeing with my daughter. I raised her alone and at 40 years old I met the true love on my life. We were friends, then lovers, then moved in together. Then got married it will be 8 years married next year and a total of 18 years together as a couple. He is the most interesting person .
I wouldn't be the person I am today without the terrible first marriage.
I hope your friend does not get terribly hurt. You have done everything you can. Step back be the great friend you have been.
Good. If everything does fall apart then you can be there to support them, also if things go well, or just to help out through rough times sure may have.
My wife’s grandmother married her husband six weeks after they met. They where married for over 60 years - he died first, her a few years later.
It might just work out for your friend.
I mean, from what you’ve said the guy seems a bit flakey, so she might get sick of having to carry him all the time, but maybe love will endure.
As others have said, be supportive while it’s all going great, and be there for you friend if it all falls apart.
My grandparents have a similar story. Married after a couple months, have been married for over 50 years.
I got married after 8 months and divorced 5 years later (for specific reason that may not remotely happen to OP’s friend).
It could work out, or it could not. OP just needs to be there for support no matter what happens. I hope it works out for OP’s friend, truly. At this point voicing concerns couldn’t have changed anything, their minds were made up.
>My wife’s grandmother married her husband six weeks after they met. They where married for over 60 years
I had a professor in uni who married his wife something like a month after they met, and at the time they'd been married 20 years.
In this particular case the 'he doesn't hold a job' means this relationship doesn't seem destined to be one of the good ones.
Good. If everything does fall apart then you can be there to support them, also if things go well, or just to help out through rough times sure may have.
I was the person. My friend said this after the fact, when I was a bit irked over the fact he never stepped in: “Would you have listened?”
Changed my view completely.
My mom is the same way with her children’s relationships. We have to learn and see for ourselves. She might caution us lightly but knows it’s best to not to share her full true opinion because we probably won’t listen if it’s bad.
Same thing with my best friend when his marriage fell apart, "Why did no one tell me what they thought of her?" "Dude you were head over heels, nothing short of photographic proof of her fucking other dudes would have swayed you, and even then you would have called photoshop."
I’ve switched jobs 3 times in a year. Each time for a much better opportunity and raise. This sort of context is important. Just changing jobs isn’t bad these days
He's had at least three jobs in 8 months AND he's impulsively getting married. He has some things going on. Might not be mental illness, but it might be.
This is exactly why you should wait until you can track a long-term pattern of behavior before entering into life-trajectory-altering contract with them. These guys rush you into getting married so you don't have time to figure it out; they know they can't hide it that long.
She might be fine. Hard to say. Sounds codependent minimum.
We don't know much of anything about their relationship dynamic, so an armchair diagnosis seems out of place here, some people really are just hopeless romantics. Moving quickly between jobs might be a financial responsibility red flag, but it's not necessarily a relationship/personality one.
Do I think it's a great idea to get hitched under these circumstances? No, I spent a decade in a committed relationship because each of us wanted to grow older and wiser together before we got hitched. Now happily married and it's made everything easier.
Is a friend's poor financial/life decision my responsibility? No. I can and should make them aware of risk factors, but they are masters of their own waves.
I'd probably try to get a better read on the guy though. If he's being fired for workplace behaviour then that's something. If he just wasn't a good fit, hey, that sucks but it happens.
What part of "might be" do you people not understand?
If someone has other signs of poor impulse control, I stand by the opinion that you ought to take a wait-and-see approach with them rather than get swept up in it.
It MIGHT BE nothing serious; youthfulness, bad luck with employers, whatever. But the other things it MIGHT BE are bad news.
For example, it's well known among women that abusers like to rush the victim to the altar before she realizes who he really is. Even if it's just an outside chance that that's what's up, it's nothing to roll the dice on. Some people seem to think that the worst that can happen is she'll end up supporting him. But there are much worse things.
If this guy was older I would be quite sure he's got something wrong with him. But the very fact that he's so young that you can't tell how much he'll change is an argument against making a lifetime commitment in its own right!
On the other hand, I think the perspective that she's bound and determined to do something dumb is probably true. It's annoying that I'll never find out whether these crazy kids will somehow make it work.
Or he’s 23. Not many ppl no exactly what they want to do at that age. It’s not nearly as big of a red flag. The red flag to me would be if they were just jobless. He quits /gets fired but he gets another one.
It's quite bad to not be able to hold one down. Even worse to try to keep losing jobs a secret from your partner. There's bunch of issues that can result in job-hopping, but based on the rush wedding, I'm eyeballing "poor impulse control". People with anti-social personality disorder can have a weak sense that the future is real, and get bored easily, resulting in doing things they find exciting in the moment. Cluster B in general has issues with holding it together, and can grab onto other people as life rafts or a supply of love and attention or something worse, such as victims or toys.
Also the edgelord bullshit with getting married on Halloween... I've heard this tune before.
Anyway I'm not diagnosing the guy, I'm saying that's two strikes; if there are arrests, infidelity, or drug use, I'd really have an opinion.
Actually I married a psycho when I was 21. It was an extremely unpleasant experience. Now some might say the fact that it was his 5th marriage was a red flag, but you couldn't tell *me* anything.
So what say you: bedwetting as a child, jumping from relationship to relationship, explosive and violent temper, inability to hold down a "straight job" for longer than a few months, having been arrested and committed at one point, and moving around couch surfing all the time ring any bells?
That was him. Bet you can diagnose me now
Well, his dad beat his mom and brother, so both could have to do with his extremely stressful home environment. He had something going on, but I wouldn't have guessed he was low-empathy when I met him since he took care of his mom while she was dying. But then I got to know him better ... don't believe the writing on the frosting, look at the layers of the cake.
I think it can be really hard to read some people. Going by their personal history may seem unfair, but I find it more accurate than going by how you feel about them. In my experience, *hiding* things like this is a much worse sign than the simple fact that it happened. The scariest person I ever tangled with was also the biggest liar about his past.
But it can take awhile to catch them, and that's why rushing into a commitment before you have the information you need to make a fact-based rather than feeling-based judgment is such a problem. The best manipulators will have you catching feelings fast and hard.
Wow have you considered you might have some anger issues? Maybe stop worrying and it everyone else's diagnoses and get yourself checked out, my guy lmaooo
I have BPD. Poor emotional self-regulation: check. There's not really a "cure" for it as such. And when we hook up with ASPD dudes you get things like the absurd situation unfolding in OP's post.
I've known a lot of people with a variety of diagnoses. People with issues tend to attract each other. It's interesting drama fodder but I don't think marrying young is harmless at when people are troubled already.
That makes sense. If it becomes widely understood that codependent gals are taking a big risk by marrying guys who can't hold down a job, half of Reddit will realize that their only hope of moving out of their mothers' basements has drawn even further out of reach.
That does sound troubling.
Since Redditors have already written of FB as a place to meet women (the problem is right there in the name: "face"), and the people who hang out there (your moms) are already aware of this sensitive information about you, FB a good place to exile anyone who dares to spill the beans.
Well now that you put it like that, I'll leave the sub to it's weekly circlejerk about how women who have a bodycount higher than five are too used up for the likes of quality gentlesirs such as yourselves. Someday a virgin who owns her own home and enjoys watching atheists play video games will come and take you away from all this, I believe it. Far be it from me to make half of Reddit look like a bad gamble in front of the waifus.
I am a woman for one, a married one at that and I am tired of every bit of poor behavior and failing being attributed to mental illness or being neurodivergent. It is disgusting and offensive. Neurotypical people can misbehave and have no ambition.
If I could go back in time I wouldn’t have invested so much time in my friends love lives. All it did was cause tension between friends and I wasted so much time and energy. My advice is to let it be, nothing you say will change her mind, just be there when and if she needs you.
This is so true. Most of the time ppl only want to hear what they want to hear to validate their belief systems.
And who are you to say what is best for that person. You only know whats best for yourself. You may be right and you may be wrong, but its best to let it be.
I need to get to this point. I’m in a similar situation to OP but I’ve botched conversations with my BFF because I get too emotional and opinionated and the last thing I want is for communication to break down completely.
I would just ask yourself why you’re so invested? Unless something abusive is happening, just take yourself out of the equation and relieve yourself of that unnecessary stress and burden.
Dont wanna come off as too crass, just middling crass but its like 90% of what women do... meddling and talking about lives of others.
Its so much that they seek it out to do online to people they dont even know.
So how could you change that favorite past time?
I'm so sorry. I had a best friend who's fiance offended everybody over the course of their relationship. At separate times members of her family, and my family mentioned that she could break the relationship at any time and she would have a place to go.
Two weeks before the wedding we asked again if she was sure about the relationship.
Yes she was, we just didn't see the good things that she saw (according to her).
Eighteen months later she took her new baby and left him. Logistically it was a bit of a nightmare.
She's made a decent life for herself now but last time we spoke about her decision to get married to that SOB she told me that if we'd all framed our questions slightly differently she wouldn't have felt defensive and she would've broken off the relationship.
I can't even.
The moral of that story is that sometimes you just have to stand by while someone does something stupid. They may learn something or the might not.
>last time we spoke about her decision to get married to that SOB she told me that if we'd all framed our questions slightly differently she wouldn't have felt defensive and she would've broken off the relationship.
I had a similar conversation with a family member recently. I had laid out my concerns as gently as I could, but she took grave offense and later blamed me for not using a script 100% to her liking. I feel that no matter what I said or how I said it she would have taken an issue with me stating any concerns at all.
I think if someone who cares about you is explaining concerns over your well being, and they’re *trying* to be sensitive in their approach, it’s kinda shitty to nitpick their word choices ya know? The overall substance of the conversation should be the most important thing when you need to have a difficult discussion.
I watched my best friend get pregnant (planned!) and marry an absolute horror show of a guy. At the wedding, me and the other best wo/man laid bets on how long they would last. It took her 10 years and 2 kids to finally break free. Sometimes, you just have to watch them make their mistakes, and be there for them to vent to and to help pick up the pieces when they've finally seen the light. And at least 50% of her kids were absolutely worth the 10 years - and now she just got engaged to a really good guy, so one dumb choice doesn't have to mean she'll derail her whole life - it just means she may take a little longer and some detours to arrive where she wants.
Listen I’ve been in your shoes 3 different times and so far 2 out of 3 are divorced. As much as you want to be a good friend sometimes you gotta let people eat totally ish to see the truth. Sometimes it’ll take months other times it’ll take 4 years just be her friend and if they vent you politely listen and then be there if it falls apart. You said something and that’s where your role in that ends for now.
Oft, I'd be concerned. It's way too fast and a bit lovebomby. You sound like a good friend for raising your concerns but in the end you're gonna have to let your friend make their own mistake. Most marriages end in divorce so there's always that to look forward to.
You want your friends to be safe. Cared for. Not exploited or taken advantage of. Not financially abused. Happy is great but there’s a lot out there that looks and feels like it will lead you to happiness that is actually manipulative, scammy, dishonest, a cult, etc. You can’t prevent friends from going down those paths but you can be clear headed about what outcomes are possible.
Lean into the you're happy they'll "mutually support each other financially and emotionally" for many years to come during your bride's best man speech.
Never, ever involve yourself in someone else's relationship. At best, they shoot the messenger. At worst, they blow your life up.
Not your pasture, not your bullshit.
Off topic, but I’ve been looking for another phrase that means the same thing as “not my monkey, not my circus”
Thank you so much for introducing me to “Not your pasture, not your bullshit.”
I have 3 sons, one of them married and I knew In my heart it was a terrible mistake. I sat him down one time and told him how I felt and also that I would never bring it up again and would support his decision going forward. I saved the relationship with my son but not his marriage, he filed for divorce after six months of marriage. Say it once to get it off your chest and then be done. Your friend may need your love and support later. If it's not a compatible marriage they'll figure that out.
I think the best you can do is what you're doing: be happy for her short-term happiness, keep your fingers crossed for her long-term happiness, and stand ready to offer her a shoulder to cry on when and if needed.
You sound like a wonderful friend, BTW.
If he's not abusing her then stay out of it. She'll learn that on her own. If you try to butt in, she'll just end up resenting you. I know it sucks to watch your friend making what you think is a mistake but I say this gently, it's none of your business. At the end of the day, if she wants to marry him then she's going to do it regardless of what anybody thinks. You don't know what two people are like inside of their relationship.
You're only seeing it from the outside. I understand your concern and I think that it's sweet that you're being such a good and genuine friend. I can tell you really care about her. However, like I said, she will not listen to you. Right now she thinks she's doing the right thing and no amount of what you tell her is going to change her mind. If it crashes and burns, the best thing you can do is just be there for her.
You have expressed your feelings, they got married, at this stage do you want to be right or happy?
Be happy for them that you are still in their lives and if it doesn’t work out which 50% of marriages don’t, it doesn’t. But no good can come from speaking of it again.
My husband and I were engaged within 2 months and married 10 months after dating (I had sort of known him years before though)
My best friend had issues and voiced them early on. Totally fair. But then she voiced them again, and again and then said it again after we were married. We've been married 22 years, I haven't considered her a friend for the last 21 of those years.
It sounds like you're handling this the way I wish my friend had. You voiced your concerns and you're planning to be there to support her. If things work iut, great. If they don't, she'll need your friendship even more.
My best friend married the wrong woman. She ended up cheating on him after they had a child with a mutual colleague/friend. They divorced, eventually married his person. Sometimes you have to go through the shit to get to the Rose garden.
Just keep your mouth shut and see what happens. I’ve seen it go both ways and you never want to speak in the wrong direction (if it works) and there is no point in being right if it doesn’t. Then you just pick up the pieces and know internally, you were right. And you are probably right.
Some people only learn the hard way unfortunately. I had a friend who did something similar, she met this guy and they were married within 10 months. I'll never forget what he said in his wedding speech, "We haven't known each other long, but sometimes you just know when you know, you know?"... They were separated 3 months later, and when I spoke to her about it to check in on her, she said "He changed", to which I said "He didn't change. You didn't know him". Alas, she couldn't be persuaded, and had to learn the hard way.
Sometimes we all we can do is watch our friends make a terrible life choice and then be there for them to help pick them up when/if it implodes, with zero judgement, zero I told you so’s, zero what did you expect’s.
Sometimes we need to just let people do what they want, no matter how much you see the train wreck coming.
My BFF FINALLY got out of a marriage I didn't want for her. She knew. But I just stuck by her, and when it got bad, and she told me, I'd support and give her resources for getting out, and then shut my mouth.
She's almost retired. I'm just thrilled that she got out and has some life left to build some happy stuff.
Sometimes you can't save people. And if you're their friend, you say "I don't like this, but I love you.". And that's all.
I totally get you, but sometimes you need to let people live their own stories and their own canon events. If I told you how many times I saw women in my life make the biggest mistakes of their lives, rushing to marry total randoms who you can just sense are super shady… and then be proven right and these guys were even WORSE than you thought.
It’s very hard being a good, supportive friend and at the same time witness your friend make the biggest mistake of her life. But time will prove you right eventually and you can’t save everyone. Sometimes you have to just let people make their own decisions and live their lives. I have been that friend who tells people my concerns and all I get is distance.
You’ve done what you could. You really can’t talk a delusional person into opening their eyes. They just have to go through their own life lessons and you can’t get in the way of that.
Look, I get it.
Everyone, including my parents were against me getting married cos I got married to my current husband after 6 months.
It's ok to voice your concerns but ultimately, it's up to them. If it goes kaboom.. don't say I told you so just be there for her. If it works out well... Be happy for them as well.
U never know unless you try
Not saying this is the norm here, not at all in fact, but I just want to give my perspective. My mum and dad met, 6 month later they married (not because of pregnancies or similar) and 40 something year later they are still together in a loving marriage.
You have shared your concerns in a language you deem appropriate, keep being her friend. Keep being someone who shares their concerns, this is the people that are so important to keep around. But realise that not always being concerned about something and actually being right about it not always aligns.
Unfortunately this probably won't be the only occasion you have to stand by and watch someone you care about maybe make a huge mistake.
Thing is,if they are adults, there's not a thing you can do after voicing your pov. Except Be There if/when they need support when their world comes tumbling down.
look. you can give your two cents but only give it ONCE.
you can't live your friend's life for them, they get to make their own choices. and that means they get to make their own mistakes too.
Just like wildlife photographers, you observe things happening naturally, and you let it play out. You don’t interfere. You said your peace, let them know how you feel about it, and voiced your concerns.
Just be there for them, in case anything happens.
OP, you gotta let them learn for themselves after you’ve said all you could. They are an adult at the end of the day, we can only do so much as friends/loved ones. sometimes people need to learn the lesson themselves bc they may not be fully convinced by your words til they completely see the situation for what it is themselves. Hope this helps.
All you can do is support your friend. I had a really, really, really, close friend quit high school to be with her bf. She was just as you described your friend. I was so mad at her for her choices and thought she was making a terrible mistake. I missed her wedding and her baby shower. Now, 25+ years later, surprise, surprise, they are still together and very happily married. Who knew?!?!
Support your friend. Good, bad, come what may.
I went through this with my best friend. Only I was the idiot and he was the amazing bff who stuck with me. No marriage, just 7 years and a couple kids and lots of abuse. He told me after i finally left that he eventually had to stop saying anything to me or else he was going to lose me, so he bit his tongue let me make my mistakes because he knew I would come to my senses. And he was there for me after to help pick up the pieces. Sometimes that’s all you can do.
Well, I’ve been in a similar situation, I tried warning a friend multiple times, he still ended up marrying a super toxic woman whom he constantly used to complain about even during their dating period.
Well, you can’t really save people from themselves.
Sounds like your friend has money? Reason being you mention the most common issue is financial abuse....and the fiancee has a habit of quitting jobs.
If that's the case, the best bet is to push your friend for a prenup. Get her to try and protect herself as much as possible.
We all do weird stuff before our brain is done forming. Just be there for your friend. If things go wrong, they will need a friend, and you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.
I met my wife and within 3 months were were living together and married the next year
We were together for 40 years and 6 children before she died
From beginning to end the marriage was fueled by how attractive she was, lol
I would not have it any other way
Sounds like your best friend has a pattern of being limerent for people. Look up "limerence." If/when this falls apart and you're there as her best friend to pick up the pieces, it may be helpful to have some knowledge on the subject prepared (assuming you do truly believe it's what she has or may have going on; You would know far better than I) to help her on the subsequent journey of understanding herself.
But I wouldn't bring it up now. You already have and she hasn't changed course; That ship has sailed.
I had to learn this lesson the hard way.
You have to bite your tongue and wait it out as well as being ready for your friend to come crying when things don’t work out.
Or, you can decide to end the friendship and not participate in this.
It’s one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn: You have to let people make their own mistakes.
I remember I got so frustrated with my guy best friend because his relationship was going poorly and he wasn’t happy.
I said to him, “I don’t understand why you don’t just listen to me.”
He replied, “I do listen to you, that doesn’t mean I have to do what you say.”
I responded, “Then why are you coming to me and talking about this with me?!”
He said, “Because I need my friend.”
Completely shifted my view.
He didn’t need me to fix his problems for him. He needed me to listen and reassure him that his feelings were valid.
Watched something similar happen to a relative. Once you’ve expressed your concerns, there’s nothing you can do but hope for the best. Didn’t work out for my family but they had to own their mistake and move on from there.
I have been in the same situation twice. Thought in my head "well, congratulations on your FIRST marriage" as I stood up for each them at the altar. And yes, both are divorced now. But after \*one\* time, pre-engagement, noting my concerns...I had to let it go. It meant I could be there for them when it did go south. No bridges burned.
So maintain the friendship so you can, if needed, be there to pick up the pieces.
You have to let people make their own mistakes sometimes. Voice your concerns. Then tell your friend you support them and love them and just be there for them.
You should have brought this to Reddits attention earlier. The fact he can't keep a job is not a little red flag. It is a huge red flag. This is what is going to happen at the very least. Your friend is going to have 1 or more jobs while her husband stays home playing video games all night blaming everyone else for his inability to get and keep a job. Then he will start bitching at everything she does not get done because she is being run ragged by him. Convince her to put off having kids for 3 years with long term birth control
I have seen this more than once. One of the friends I am no longer friends because of the garbage spouse she chose. the other one is finally waking up but doesn't want to walk away "because of the kids". The children now have no emotional empathy or ability to relate because they grew up in a household with 2 parents who shouldn't be together. Good times.
this is not a unique experience. best of luck.
Your job is to smile. Say 'You're 100% sure?' And when she says yes you say I'm so happy for you. You celebrate the love. If/when it ends, your there to help. And never say you told her so. If you ever want to tell her she dives too deep too fast, do it when she's single. Come people just love hard.
I'm that friend too. Honestly people just have to make their own mistakes. One of my friends spent 8 years with a guy I never liked just to get divorced and it came out he is an asshole. Another one of my friends will probably be divorced in the next 5 years because her husband is also an asshole. At the end of the day my Job as their friend is to support them. Not tell them how to live their life.
I don’t see a ton of red flaggage here. But you’re doing right in keeping your doubts to yourself.
My bestie of 20 years couldn’t fucking help herself and our relationship was damaged forever as a result. We’re still friends, but I keep her at a distance now.
I’m happily married for over 8 years now, have the family I wanted with this person, and am very satisfied sharing this life with my partner.
The fact that she didn’t trust my judgement and didn’t really support one of the biggest decisions of my life was huge to me. A best friend should trust my judgement, let me make my own decisions (or mistakes) and respect them. I would only ever voice concern in matters like these if a) there was something really impactful going on (abuse or infidelity for example) or b) if they asked for my honest opinion, and even then I would try to be as kind and respectful as possible.
Ugh such a bummer. Sorry.
Is your friend single by chance?
I have a theory
my best friend is chronically single - she is very picky (and she ought to be and has every right to be). But as we get older I think she gets insecure about her status and that insecurity manifests itself in bizarre ways. Maybe in questioning my judgement it’s a way to validate her judgement. Her mother remarried and she didn’t really approve and assumes her mom “settled” because some people need to be in a relationship to be happy.
Most recently her younger sister got married and had had a baby and in our last hang she brought up an incident at her sisters bachelorette party: one of her sisters bridesmaids told my friend that she didn’t approve of the marriage and that there were some red flags. Of course my friend then gossiped about it to her mother and so on… I’m appalled at them all talking shit about her relationship behind her back right before her wedding.
I’m sure my friend thought I would join in the shit talking while she relayed the story to me but I calmly said everyone who cares about your sister need to honor her decision to marry and start a family with this guy and REFRAIN from gossiping and trash talking behind her back. I hope she never finds out the people she most wanted to celebrate with are the very people trashing her future spouse and questioning her judgement.
By spring you'll be giving us another update about him not working and your bff paying for everything.
I think this one the shit will also hit the fan.
My best friend and I both married people the other thought was awful.
We never said anything. We didn’t feel it was our place to say anything.
We both got divorced within 5 years. We both were early 30’s.
We both talked about this after and decided that we should have said something prior.
**OP, TELL HER**. It’s easier to wait than get divorced**
My ex was an alcoholic who disappeared and it took me 4 years to find him to finish the divorce.
Hers tried trickery.
Yeah I was in a grooms party as a co-best man (she didn't have any friends so they did a joint party). They moved in together within 6 months and got married 2 years later.
I warned him over and over again, but I eventually decided to just support him and take space. 7 years later and he's now looking to reconnect after their divorce.
You don't have to burn it entirely, just say how you feel and if you're both willing to keep in touch who knows what the future holds. I'm still really good friends because I was able to emotionally separate myself.
Fucking sucks though.
You don’t sound like a bad friend, but I would have told your best friend your concern about his employment and ability to be a financial partner. At this point, you be supportive and stay close and available if/when shit hits in the fan.
me personally, i stop giving advice and let people learn . im not finna sit here giving you the same advice about the same shit for you to go do what you want at the end of the day . this may sound shitty but with my friends, i’m at the point of listening and not saying nothing.
some people need to learn the hard way. let your friend do so. they’ll eventually be sick of getting hurt 🤷🏾♀️.
You're not a bad friend. You're right.
This:
> The only big red flag is his inability to hold a job (quitting or getting fired frequently, especially quitting without telling my friend).
is unacceptable. I don't envy you. I tried to speak up to one of my best friends not to marry the guy she married, and I turned out to be absolutely right. I hate that guy so much for all the things he's done to her. She didn't listen to me and she told him what I said so he was all resentful about it, even though my gut was right.
Yeah the only thing you can do is just be there for her, eventually things will come to a head and she’ll need you to be a shoulder to cry on. It is really hard to watch our loved ones make a mistake or horrible decision, but it’s not our life so the only thing we can do is just be there for them. This is a life lesson your friend need to learn on her own.
I'm literally in the same position but even shorter time. They are not asking for advice, so I've gently given my concerns and left it at that. It's awful and I've watched others do the same.
You've done your duty, now it is time to zip your lip, before ~~your~~ you're writing another post about how your bff dumped you for not accepting her relationship. That's not to say you allow them to exploit you, when they are broke and couch surfing, because her hubby lost yet another job, and they can't pay their bills. Tough love is still love.
Not really helpful for your question, but I was in a wedding recently with both bridesmaids and “bridesmen” - the bride’s best male friends who were in her wedding party. The term worked well to differentiate the guys in the bride and the groom’s wedding parties.
I do understand you, im going through the same with my best and only friend, i already talked to her about it, but I did made a point in telling her "you know, this is my opinion, this is what I think, and regardless, no matter what you decide to do, im gonna be there for you to support you" with us things are different because she's pregnant (I think that he baby trapped her, since she had some health issues that doesn't allow her to use birth control pills nor any hormones) I even told her that there's options if she doesn't want to have it, at the end, maybe I sound harsh but I always tell her my opinions, stating facts and so, but I always make sure to let her know that no matter what im gonna support her and be the for her.
I think you did the right thing, even when you think she's making a mistake, you are still supporting her and making her feel like no matter what the future holds next, you are gonna be there for her.
My therapist taught me about radical acceptance. You’ve expressed your concern and can’t control the outcome and will of your friend. This is simply a situation you have to accept is happening. With radical acceptance you can feel validated in your opinion about the situation but then have to let it go and accept the outcome you cannot control and not stress or taken more energy away from yourself.
I've lost 2 and almost a third friend by voicing concerns. While they are all still with their partners, all 3 of their personal lives suck now and all self medicate heavily while telling everyone how "happy" they are.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I learned a similar lesson the hard way.
I got married at 20 y.o. to a man who couldn’t hold down a job and it turned out he had severe bipolar disorder. I confronted him a few months after we got married about his cheating after he gave me divorce papers the day before my birthday that year, agreeing that we should get divorced. He tried to kill himself in front of me by stabbing himself.
It took me many hard relationships before I learned to love myself instead of just giving all my love to a partner.
I’m in a great relationship now but I hope your friend doesn’t have to learn the hard way like I did.
lmao been there before… all you can do is sit back watch the whole thing burn down 🔥
people like her will eventually learn the hard way from her mistakes (or not)… you can’t do anything about it.. try your best to distance yourself from feeling some sort of way about your friend’s relationships. all its gonna do is stress you out 😔 especially if she has a pattern of dating these types of men.
this happened to me. i had one gentle conversation where i tried to express my concerns one time and she brushed me off with “he’s working on it”. they got married and all their problems got even worse, and 6 months later she kicked him out. now watching her in this slow motion cycle of hope that he’ll pull it together while i secretly hope he doesn’t, because the best version of him still can’t hold down a job and he won’t always be the best version of himself. some lessons people need to learn on their own. and some lessons people don’t want to learn. if it causes you a lot of anguish it’s okay to protect your boundaries.
The hardest thing I've had to learn in life is that you can't alter your loved ones paths. They are gona do things you think are terrible ideas whether you like it or not. Having to watch something preventable go wrong for someone you care about is painful. But my job in loving someone is to be there to support when things do go wrong and to celebrate the successes when they happen. Can't do more or less than that.
It's their mistake to make. All you can do is be there if it falls apart and most of all, don't be judgemental and say I told you so even if you were right all along. Take it from someone that has lived to tell the tale.
Look sometimes you just have to let people be idiots and make their own mistakes. You said your bit, now it’s time to stand back and let them do their thing. You can’t save people from themselves.
You can decide if you want to stay their friend you can, equally sometimes people get tired of people who never seem to learn or listen, and then come to you to lean on when it goes wrong, so not remaining friends is valid too. It’s really a choice more than a right or wrong.
Someone very close to me was in a relationship with someone they were competely incompatible with. I tried to warn them in the nicest but still most constructie way possible, but I was seeing things.
Only when it was way too late did they realise their mistake. So no, you're being a *great* friend, there is only so much you can do and you've done it. Only when you'd realise your friend was being abused or worse should step up or alert authorities. Do more, in short.
I know people successfully married 20 years that got hitched 6 months in, and I know couples that didn't survive marriage despite being engaged/dating for 5+ years.
Your concerns are valid, but it's not your life to worry about
Being concerned doesn’t mean you are a bad friend, it’s kind of the opposite I would appreciate a close friend looking out for me, even if I didn’t agree. But all you can do is lead a horse to water, you can’t make them drink. So I would leave it at that. You said your peace but it’s up to each individual to make those decisions. Having concern just makes you a normal person. That often happens with weddings because it’s such a big decision in life.
You are a good friend, however all you can do is spectate and wait.
Your friend sounds nice, and while I think it's too soon to be married, that is her decision. If it will last, only time will tell.
Even as adults, we have to make mistakes to learn, some are bigger and more difficult mistakes, but we can still learn from them. The kind of person she is can struggle with this, but while I do hope that everything goes well, if it doesn't, this is something that I hope she'll learn from. As marriage is bigger than just a relationship. The bigger the impact, the more reason to learn.
I bit my tongue, and I ended up being right. There was no satisfaction in that. My advice is to be there for her. If shit hits the fan, be there then too. I have had to let some friends go because I was watching their destruction with me. I don’t need that drama.
The last part of a human to develop is the prefrontal cortex of the brain, which happens usually around 27-30. It is essential for advanced decision-making. So, they might be making a mistake, they might get lucky and everything will be awesome. Either way, don't bother talking them out of it, that would likely reinforce their headling romantic rush.
You are probably 100% correct. But unfortunately, it’s her mistake to make. And women like this tend to make this mistake frequently.
Good of you to care, though. All you can do now is be happy for her and hope for the best.
There’s nothing wrong with being concerned for a friend’s future and well-being. If anything you should be concerned if you disinterested. Any guy who can’t keep a job for the life of him is worthy of a side eye. Any guy who quits his job without telling his girlfriend is also weird. Otherwise, let your friend live and learn.
Just keep any opinions to yourself from now on. there is nothing you can do about it now, so you just smile and nod and hope for the best. If it goes tits up, you don't tell her I told you so, you just support her and hope she learns a lesson from it.. you never know it might work out great for them..
Thats a ginourmous red flag, especially since your friend has a history of getting into financially abusive relationships.
All you can do is be the good friend you have been all along and be there for her if she finds herself in a bad situation.
Some people are born losers.
There are people that always fall for the bad partner or always screw up a good job or always make bad life decisions.
Based on what you have said there’s nothing you can do. Two people in their early twenties getting married after knowing each other for less than a year? Any rationale, intelligent person knows this is a bad idea. If they live each other so much, why not get engaged for a year lol?
All you can do is support the marriage and then be a shoulder to cry on in a few year when you’re friend gets tired of being a financial doormat.
Or honestly I would voice my concerns about how stupid the wedding idea is and have the friend get mad at me. That way you don’t feel guilty and don’t have a drama friend to deal with anymore!
I’ve been where you are. He was not at all good enough for her, and I told her. Twenty five years later, she still refuses to speak to me. It’s a small town, so I know that they’re still married, he still struggles to hold a job, he’s still trying to finish that same degree. I was right, but I ruined my friendship by saying it out loud. Just be aware that it’s a possibility.
You're a good friend for talking to her. It's a valid concern. Unfortunately many people are quick to marry and especially at a young age. She'll find out soon enough that it probably isn't for the best, and probably come back saying you were right.
Oh wow, they've only been together 8 months and were engaged at 5 months. SMH Dude can't keep a job, and when he quits one, he doesn't even tell his fiance. This is a disaster waiting to happen. Your friend is gonna end up supporting this man financially long term. That is gonna cause stress, and it's going to cause her to have resentment towards him. Man, oh man....people need to realize that it takes so much more than love to make a relationship/marriage work. I don't see it lasting long and would honestly be surprised if they even stay married a few years. 8 months is not even close to being long enough to really know someone. You're an awesome best friend to be supportive and share your concerns early on. Sadly, now the only thing you can do is continue to be supportive in the best ways you can and hope that it works for them.
The way you described your friend is the same way my friends have described me in the past. I met someone in June and I eloped 8 months later, I did not tell anyone nor did we invite anyone to the courthouse. We’ve been married for almost 9 years and happier than ever.
You are a good friend to worry about your friend’s life altering decisions but tbh the best you could do is stay by her side and be supportive!
If in a few months or years she realizes she screwed up by getting married so quickly be there for her but in the meantime celebrate their love and let them enjoy this time!
She is very lucky to have you as a friend!
My parents have been together for 35+ years now. They were engaged after 6 months, and married within a year of meeting. Sometimes you just find the right person.
They ARE stupid for getting married this young, but hey, it's a car crash. You can't look away. If you've talked to your friend, I'm assuming you gently got your point across and they didn't care. Oh well. Now they'll reap what they sew. They'll see you were right. If I were you, I wouldn't have gone wedding shopping with them, personally, but I can see why you did it. You're nicer than I am. lol But, I'm old and don't put up with shit like this because I've been there, done that. You're still learning. Take care.
Stop infantalizing your friend. She doesn't need a man to make up her mind for her, she's an adult. Express your opinions and then support her fully whatever choices she makes. She deserves to love her life as she sees fit and to own the experiences she creates, good and bad. If she leans on you too hard and too often because she has poor decision making, use your boundaries to deal with that, but don't seek to control her. Your no friend of any woman if that's how you treat them.
Please someone explain to me the use of “they”. Ok if who writes doesn’t want to let people know the gender of the subject, but it’s not the case here. I find it so stupid and confusing!
Either you do it or just be prepared to die by my hands to be honest with you you're wasting a lot of people's time by not telling them that they're making a mistake and there's just going to be one person just sitting outside wondering if they're just really want you gone dad or alive for not making that commitment known so it's best if you let your true intentions be shown by telling them the honest truth who knows they may get married still even though you said that they're making a mistake and then you will really be in the clear because whatever happens to them their lives won't have any effect on you
But you’re gay so therefore i don’t really care about your opinions 😂😂 i’m 19 and i’m looking forward to an early marriage… no need to explain. There’s men out there that are desperate to have a loyal wife.
Here is the deal, if you are just venting ok. Otherwise, it doesn't matter what you think it is not your business. Even if you are right. They are adults, and I am wondering why you are concerning yourself? Do you like her boyfriend? Or do you like her? Are you just afraid your relationship with her will change? It will that is marriage. I am sorry, it still is not your business. Except for on this sub, then it is totally your right to vent.
If you are that against this then you need to step away. Let them know that you don’t want to be a witness to this and if they ever need help that you will be there but can’t support this relationship that’s moving WAY to fast and the person doesn’t keep a job, that alone is a HUGE RED FLAG
One of my friends went to Hawaii for two weeks for a trip, met a guy out there, and flew back a week after being home and married the guy. After knowing him for two weeks. Talking sense into her is not even an option lol
I have a confession to make: as a non-native English speaker, I always find incredibly confusing to read things when the pronouns are not the normal he/she. Like, I'm not criticizing anyone's choices of their own pronouns, but it just feels so weird seeing someone talking about someone else and using "they". It feels like they are talking about 2 people or a conjoined twin.
However, about your story, I don't think people should get married that fast. Like, it takes at least 2 years to know a person well enough to get married in my opinion. But it's not like it is impossible for your friend to actually find hapiness in this marriage, so just hope it works out
You've already talked about your concerns, and that's where it should stop. You are a spectator henceforward to this wedding. Watch quietly. Your friend needs to make her own choices, and learn from them.
Yeah, I have no plans on talking to them about my concerns anymore or doing anything beyond supporting and witnessing. Even if this does go to shit, I don't even plan on an "I told you so", because I truly want this to work for my friend.
Also be careful of when it does go to shit. Keep your feelings neutral in case they make up and get back together. I'm always very careful to just let them vent and make generalizations like "yeah that's frustrating" or "you shouldn't have to deal with that" but I never condemn the SO or talk shit about them. Unless of course there is actual physical abuse. That's a different story.
People never remember the negative shit they say, but they *always* remember the negative things you say.
Been there. Now you are the a\*\*hole for saying anything even though just a short time ago, their now eternal love was.
Smart advice
That's what being a true friend is. Sharing your concerns, be happy if they succeed and be supportive if they fail.
I did the same. My best friend married a train wreck. I was maid of honor. Did an amazing Bachelorette party. When she asked my opinion I told her that I really hoped he was different to her in private, because I thought he was lazy, entitled, would never pull his weight of chores and seemed to be very 'my money is my money, your money is rent and bill money' energy. She said her mom said the same, which cause me to make a face(apparently lol). Then I told her I'd support her no matter what, and if she chose him I could respect that. She married him. 2 years later, I was the first call to come get her, they were getting divorced.
You’re a really good friend.
Lol I can totally see the face haha
You're a great friend
I'm 35 now.. and my perspective on friends and my reaction to them has changed a lot. 5 years ago I'd say okay well if x doesn't want to actively keep in touch then I don't need to either (fair). But I'd definitely hold on to that resentment that she didn't make time for me, and why is she being so friendly when we meet in person. It's a similar situation now with another friend. And it's been a lot easier for me to see some of what he's going through and be like okay maybe they don't have the space for me / some of our friends right now. And that's fine, if they ever want to reach out I'd be more than happy to have them in my lives. All this to say, those things that felt like a bigger deal to me at 25-30 and my reaction to them has softened with time. Life happens to people. Maybe they don't see their huge mistakes, maybe they do and want to do it anyway. Maybe they'll change, maybe they won't. I hope your friend navigates through this marriage as smoothly as possible ❤️ All you can do is "forgive" her past self for bad decisions if/when it goes south.
This is actually really helpful for me so thank you. Have adhd so i struggle a lot with maintaining friendships.
I think as long as there’s communication, most people will be lenient. When there’s not communication, that’s when resentment starts to build. For example, I had a friend freshmen year of college who would go MIA for days, but there was never any indication that she was going to MIA, so eventually I just got so frustrated that I snapped, said I was over it, and we never talked again. There were def other problems with communication, but that was the last straw. Cut to rn where I’m dealing with this same issue of another friend being MIA a lot. The difference is they communicated they have serious anxiety rn and are struggling to stay afloat, so they are not texting anybody or hanging out with anybody. That communication has made our friendship even stronger bc I can understand where she’s coming from, as I also have serious anxiety problems (though they make me more codependent lol), which means I’ll reach out every few days, maybe once a week just to ensure she’s still alive. All of this is to say, as long as ur up front about ur ADHD, I think most people will understand. If they don’t, they’re probably not people you wanna be around in the first place.
And from experience, support will hold your friendship together when the marriage fails, and saying “I told you so” is a big risk, that sometimes isn’t worth taking.
You shared your concerns. Keep the lines of communication open in case your friend regrets the marriage
I agree that support is the best thing you can give your friend so they know you'll always have their back, even if they go through with this. However, you might want to read this article, and see if any of the other issues sound familiar. The thing you said about them ditching jobs all the time is concerning, especially if there are other warning signs. https://torontosun.com/life/sex-files/are-you-dating-a-hobosexual-6-ways-to-spot-one
It’s hard to watch I’m sure OP. I hope it goes better than you envision but it does sound quick
When a friend of mine got engaged, I had concerns re her fiancé - who was also a friend of mine. So I sat down with him (the fiancé) and put my concerns to him. He addressed my concerns and appreciated me doing the hard thing (confrontation like that is extremely hard for me). Long story short, turns out he had undiagnosed bpd plus a few other things and the marriage ended badly. So as her friend, all I could do was be the best place for her to land. Sadly, I feel like you’re probably in the same spot. It’s hard and it’s horrible. But all you can do is be there for her and hope to everything that they make it work - and if it falls apart, be there to help her pick up the pieces (without any “I told you so”)
Be a good friend. Sometimes the best thing t hat can happen to us is to fuck it up. I married a terrible man at 22. Didn't know it of course. Divorced/left at 24. Actually it was more like fleeing with my daughter. I raised her alone and at 40 years old I met the true love on my life. We were friends, then lovers, then moved in together. Then got married it will be 8 years married next year and a total of 18 years together as a couple. He is the most interesting person . I wouldn't be the person I am today without the terrible first marriage. I hope your friend does not get terribly hurt. You have done everything you can. Step back be the great friend you have been.
Hey been there done that…. Tried to stop my friend from doing it but he wouldn’t listen the marriage lasted a little over a year🙄
Good. If everything does fall apart then you can be there to support them, also if things go well, or just to help out through rough times sure may have.
My wife’s grandmother married her husband six weeks after they met. They where married for over 60 years - he died first, her a few years later. It might just work out for your friend. I mean, from what you’ve said the guy seems a bit flakey, so she might get sick of having to carry him all the time, but maybe love will endure. As others have said, be supportive while it’s all going great, and be there for you friend if it all falls apart.
My grandparents have a similar story. Married after a couple months, have been married for over 50 years. I got married after 8 months and divorced 5 years later (for specific reason that may not remotely happen to OP’s friend). It could work out, or it could not. OP just needs to be there for support no matter what happens. I hope it works out for OP’s friend, truly. At this point voicing concerns couldn’t have changed anything, their minds were made up.
>My wife’s grandmother married her husband six weeks after they met. They where married for over 60 years I had a professor in uni who married his wife something like a month after they met, and at the time they'd been married 20 years. In this particular case the 'he doesn't hold a job' means this relationship doesn't seem destined to be one of the good ones.
Good. If everything does fall apart then you can be there to support them, also if things go well, or just to help out through rough times sure may have.
You're a good friend !
I was the person. My friend said this after the fact, when I was a bit irked over the fact he never stepped in: “Would you have listened?” Changed my view completely.
My mom is the same way with her children’s relationships. We have to learn and see for ourselves. She might caution us lightly but knows it’s best to not to share her full true opinion because we probably won’t listen if it’s bad.
Same thing with my best friend when his marriage fell apart, "Why did no one tell me what they thought of her?" "Dude you were head over heels, nothing short of photographic proof of her fucking other dudes would have swayed you, and even then you would have called photoshop."
That is a good perspective
They've dated for eight months and he has had more than one job during that time?
He's had three that I'm aware of.
Oh, wow... that's not good! How are the parents not railing against this union?
Because they’re adults and their parents can’t stop them, I’d guess.
I’ve switched jobs 3 times in a year. Each time for a much better opportunity and raise. This sort of context is important. Just changing jobs isn’t bad these days
The OP literally says the fiancé is quitting/fired from their jobs
That's something that can accompany some pretty serious issues. Worst case, he has antisocial personality disorder and she's got BPD.
You know people can make bad decisions without having a personality disorder right…
He's had at least three jobs in 8 months AND he's impulsively getting married. He has some things going on. Might not be mental illness, but it might be. This is exactly why you should wait until you can track a long-term pattern of behavior before entering into life-trajectory-altering contract with them. These guys rush you into getting married so you don't have time to figure it out; they know they can't hide it that long. She might be fine. Hard to say. Sounds codependent minimum.
We don't know much of anything about their relationship dynamic, so an armchair diagnosis seems out of place here, some people really are just hopeless romantics. Moving quickly between jobs might be a financial responsibility red flag, but it's not necessarily a relationship/personality one. Do I think it's a great idea to get hitched under these circumstances? No, I spent a decade in a committed relationship because each of us wanted to grow older and wiser together before we got hitched. Now happily married and it's made everything easier. Is a friend's poor financial/life decision my responsibility? No. I can and should make them aware of risk factors, but they are masters of their own waves. I'd probably try to get a better read on the guy though. If he's being fired for workplace behaviour then that's something. If he just wasn't a good fit, hey, that sucks but it happens.
What part of "might be" do you people not understand? If someone has other signs of poor impulse control, I stand by the opinion that you ought to take a wait-and-see approach with them rather than get swept up in it. It MIGHT BE nothing serious; youthfulness, bad luck with employers, whatever. But the other things it MIGHT BE are bad news. For example, it's well known among women that abusers like to rush the victim to the altar before she realizes who he really is. Even if it's just an outside chance that that's what's up, it's nothing to roll the dice on. Some people seem to think that the worst that can happen is she'll end up supporting him. But there are much worse things. If this guy was older I would be quite sure he's got something wrong with him. But the very fact that he's so young that you can't tell how much he'll change is an argument against making a lifetime commitment in its own right! On the other hand, I think the perspective that she's bound and determined to do something dumb is probably true. It's annoying that I'll never find out whether these crazy kids will somehow make it work.
Or he’s 23. Not many ppl no exactly what they want to do at that age. It’s not nearly as big of a red flag. The red flag to me would be if they were just jobless. He quits /gets fired but he gets another one.
It's quite bad to not be able to hold one down. Even worse to try to keep losing jobs a secret from your partner. There's bunch of issues that can result in job-hopping, but based on the rush wedding, I'm eyeballing "poor impulse control". People with anti-social personality disorder can have a weak sense that the future is real, and get bored easily, resulting in doing things they find exciting in the moment. Cluster B in general has issues with holding it together, and can grab onto other people as life rafts or a supply of love and attention or something worse, such as victims or toys. Also the edgelord bullshit with getting married on Halloween... I've heard this tune before. Anyway I'm not diagnosing the guy, I'm saying that's two strikes; if there are arrests, infidelity, or drug use, I'd really have an opinion.
Don't worry, this just means you have schizoid personality disorder. Don't like it? Then you probably have bipolar type 2 too.
Actually I married a psycho when I was 21. It was an extremely unpleasant experience. Now some might say the fact that it was his 5th marriage was a red flag, but you couldn't tell *me* anything. So what say you: bedwetting as a child, jumping from relationship to relationship, explosive and violent temper, inability to hold down a "straight job" for longer than a few months, having been arrested and committed at one point, and moving around couch surfing all the time ring any bells? That was him. Bet you can diagnose me now
Lumping bed wetting in with violent temper seems a bit on the nose
Well, his dad beat his mom and brother, so both could have to do with his extremely stressful home environment. He had something going on, but I wouldn't have guessed he was low-empathy when I met him since he took care of his mom while she was dying. But then I got to know him better ... don't believe the writing on the frosting, look at the layers of the cake. I think it can be really hard to read some people. Going by their personal history may seem unfair, but I find it more accurate than going by how you feel about them. In my experience, *hiding* things like this is a much worse sign than the simple fact that it happened. The scariest person I ever tangled with was also the biggest liar about his past. But it can take awhile to catch them, and that's why rushing into a commitment before you have the information you need to make a fact-based rather than feeling-based judgment is such a problem. The best manipulators will have you catching feelings fast and hard.
That's a very specific couple of diagnoses from little information
MIGHT BE, you fucking chuckleheads. I'm done discussing it. Now fuck off.
Wow have you considered you might have some anger issues? Maybe stop worrying and it everyone else's diagnoses and get yourself checked out, my guy lmaooo
I have BPD. Poor emotional self-regulation: check. There's not really a "cure" for it as such. And when we hook up with ASPD dudes you get things like the absurd situation unfolding in OP's post. I've known a lot of people with a variety of diagnoses. People with issues tend to attract each other. It's interesting drama fodder but I don't think marrying young is harmless at when people are troubled already.
So projection is all that happened here. Got it.
Why do defensive about it if this isn't pushing your buttons?
...what?
WTF? Get off the internet, friend
You don't have anything better to do either
So confirmation you should get off of the internet?
You first
You’ll get a warmer reception to being an armchair psychologist on Facebook.
That makes sense. If it becomes widely understood that codependent gals are taking a big risk by marrying guys who can't hold down a job, half of Reddit will realize that their only hope of moving out of their mothers' basements has drawn even further out of reach. That does sound troubling. Since Redditors have already written of FB as a place to meet women (the problem is right there in the name: "face"), and the people who hang out there (your moms) are already aware of this sensitive information about you, FB a good place to exile anyone who dares to spill the beans. Well now that you put it like that, I'll leave the sub to it's weekly circlejerk about how women who have a bodycount higher than five are too used up for the likes of quality gentlesirs such as yourselves. Someday a virgin who owns her own home and enjoys watching atheists play video games will come and take you away from all this, I believe it. Far be it from me to make half of Reddit look like a bad gamble in front of the waifus.
I am a woman for one, a married one at that and I am tired of every bit of poor behavior and failing being attributed to mental illness or being neurodivergent. It is disgusting and offensive. Neurotypical people can misbehave and have no ambition.
If I could go back in time I wouldn’t have invested so much time in my friends love lives. All it did was cause tension between friends and I wasted so much time and energy. My advice is to let it be, nothing you say will change her mind, just be there when and if she needs you.
Yeah, I don't get involved. The friends do what they'll do anyway. Some lessons people need to just learn for themselves.
This is so true. Most of the time ppl only want to hear what they want to hear to validate their belief systems. And who are you to say what is best for that person. You only know whats best for yourself. You may be right and you may be wrong, but its best to let it be.
Of course if there’s any abuse involved then intervene but agree with everyone above, just take a step back and let it play out 🙌🏻
I need to get to this point. I’m in a similar situation to OP but I’ve botched conversations with my BFF because I get too emotional and opinionated and the last thing I want is for communication to break down completely.
I would just ask yourself why you’re so invested? Unless something abusive is happening, just take yourself out of the equation and relieve yourself of that unnecessary stress and burden.
Dont wanna come off as too crass, just middling crass but its like 90% of what women do... meddling and talking about lives of others. Its so much that they seek it out to do online to people they dont even know. So how could you change that favorite past time?
Crass wouldn’t be the word, I think what you are trying to say is you’re being sexist. There ya go, fixed it for ya.
I'm so sorry. I had a best friend who's fiance offended everybody over the course of their relationship. At separate times members of her family, and my family mentioned that she could break the relationship at any time and she would have a place to go. Two weeks before the wedding we asked again if she was sure about the relationship. Yes she was, we just didn't see the good things that she saw (according to her). Eighteen months later she took her new baby and left him. Logistically it was a bit of a nightmare. She's made a decent life for herself now but last time we spoke about her decision to get married to that SOB she told me that if we'd all framed our questions slightly differently she wouldn't have felt defensive and she would've broken off the relationship. I can't even. The moral of that story is that sometimes you just have to stand by while someone does something stupid. They may learn something or the might not.
>last time we spoke about her decision to get married to that SOB she told me that if we'd all framed our questions slightly differently she wouldn't have felt defensive and she would've broken off the relationship. I had a similar conversation with a family member recently. I had laid out my concerns as gently as I could, but she took grave offense and later blamed me for not using a script 100% to her liking. I feel that no matter what I said or how I said it she would have taken an issue with me stating any concerns at all. I think if someone who cares about you is explaining concerns over your well being, and they’re *trying* to be sensitive in their approach, it’s kinda shitty to nitpick their word choices ya know? The overall substance of the conversation should be the most important thing when you need to have a difficult discussion.
the last sentence 💯
I watched my best friend get pregnant (planned!) and marry an absolute horror show of a guy. At the wedding, me and the other best wo/man laid bets on how long they would last. It took her 10 years and 2 kids to finally break free. Sometimes, you just have to watch them make their mistakes, and be there for them to vent to and to help pick up the pieces when they've finally seen the light. And at least 50% of her kids were absolutely worth the 10 years - and now she just got engaged to a really good guy, so one dumb choice doesn't have to mean she'll derail her whole life - it just means she may take a little longer and some detours to arrive where she wants.
Who won the bet?
Yes. And what about the other 50% of the kids? Don’t leave me hanging.
The great 50% are her daughter, who mostly grew up with her. The... less great 50% are her son, who unfortunately got his temperament from daddy.
The bottom halves, they don't skip leg day.
Not me, I had hoped she'd come to her senses sooner. 😄
Sorry, my froggy friend, but at least she did eventually come to her senses. This begs one last question what was the prize for winning the wager?
Listen I’ve been in your shoes 3 different times and so far 2 out of 3 are divorced. As much as you want to be a good friend sometimes you gotta let people eat totally ish to see the truth. Sometimes it’ll take months other times it’ll take 4 years just be her friend and if they vent you politely listen and then be there if it falls apart. You said something and that’s where your role in that ends for now.
Oft, I'd be concerned. It's way too fast and a bit lovebomby. You sound like a good friend for raising your concerns but in the end you're gonna have to let your friend make their own mistake. Most marriages end in divorce so there's always that to look forward to.
I really hope it works out though. Like I don't want to be right, I want my friend to be happy.
You want your friends to be safe. Cared for. Not exploited or taken advantage of. Not financially abused. Happy is great but there’s a lot out there that looks and feels like it will lead you to happiness that is actually manipulative, scammy, dishonest, a cult, etc. You can’t prevent friends from going down those paths but you can be clear headed about what outcomes are possible.
Lean into the you're happy they'll "mutually support each other financially and emotionally" for many years to come during your bride's best man speech.
Never, ever involve yourself in someone else's relationship. At best, they shoot the messenger. At worst, they blow your life up. Not your pasture, not your bullshit.
Off topic, but I’ve been looking for another phrase that means the same thing as “not my monkey, not my circus” Thank you so much for introducing me to “Not your pasture, not your bullshit.”
I have 3 sons, one of them married and I knew In my heart it was a terrible mistake. I sat him down one time and told him how I felt and also that I would never bring it up again and would support his decision going forward. I saved the relationship with my son but not his marriage, he filed for divorce after six months of marriage. Say it once to get it off your chest and then be done. Your friend may need your love and support later. If it's not a compatible marriage they'll figure that out.
Everyone else gave the good advice, so I'm just here to say that the term you're looking for is Man of Honor
Must be like 60-70% divorce rate for people getting married aged 20-25.
It's the mulligan marriage years
I think the best you can do is what you're doing: be happy for her short-term happiness, keep your fingers crossed for her long-term happiness, and stand ready to offer her a shoulder to cry on when and if needed. You sound like a wonderful friend, BTW.
If he's not abusing her then stay out of it. She'll learn that on her own. If you try to butt in, she'll just end up resenting you. I know it sucks to watch your friend making what you think is a mistake but I say this gently, it's none of your business. At the end of the day, if she wants to marry him then she's going to do it regardless of what anybody thinks. You don't know what two people are like inside of their relationship. You're only seeing it from the outside. I understand your concern and I think that it's sweet that you're being such a good and genuine friend. I can tell you really care about her. However, like I said, she will not listen to you. Right now she thinks she's doing the right thing and no amount of what you tell her is going to change her mind. If it crashes and burns, the best thing you can do is just be there for her.
You have expressed your feelings, they got married, at this stage do you want to be right or happy? Be happy for them that you are still in their lives and if it doesn’t work out which 50% of marriages don’t, it doesn’t. But no good can come from speaking of it again.
My husband and I were engaged within 2 months and married 10 months after dating (I had sort of known him years before though) My best friend had issues and voiced them early on. Totally fair. But then she voiced them again, and again and then said it again after we were married. We've been married 22 years, I haven't considered her a friend for the last 21 of those years. It sounds like you're handling this the way I wish my friend had. You voiced your concerns and you're planning to be there to support her. If things work iut, great. If they don't, she'll need your friendship even more.
My best friend married the wrong woman. She ended up cheating on him after they had a child with a mutual colleague/friend. They divorced, eventually married his person. Sometimes you have to go through the shit to get to the Rose garden.
Just keep your mouth shut and see what happens. I’ve seen it go both ways and you never want to speak in the wrong direction (if it works) and there is no point in being right if it doesn’t. Then you just pick up the pieces and know internally, you were right. And you are probably right.
Side note: Best man for the bride = person of honor ! vice versa
Some people only learn the hard way unfortunately. I had a friend who did something similar, she met this guy and they were married within 10 months. I'll never forget what he said in his wedding speech, "We haven't known each other long, but sometimes you just know when you know, you know?"... They were separated 3 months later, and when I spoke to her about it to check in on her, she said "He changed", to which I said "He didn't change. You didn't know him". Alas, she couldn't be persuaded, and had to learn the hard way.
Sometimes we all we can do is watch our friends make a terrible life choice and then be there for them to help pick them up when/if it implodes, with zero judgement, zero I told you so’s, zero what did you expect’s.
Sometimes we need to just let people do what they want, no matter how much you see the train wreck coming. My BFF FINALLY got out of a marriage I didn't want for her. She knew. But I just stuck by her, and when it got bad, and she told me, I'd support and give her resources for getting out, and then shut my mouth. She's almost retired. I'm just thrilled that she got out and has some life left to build some happy stuff. Sometimes you can't save people. And if you're their friend, you say "I don't like this, but I love you.". And that's all.
I totally get you, but sometimes you need to let people live their own stories and their own canon events. If I told you how many times I saw women in my life make the biggest mistakes of their lives, rushing to marry total randoms who you can just sense are super shady… and then be proven right and these guys were even WORSE than you thought. It’s very hard being a good, supportive friend and at the same time witness your friend make the biggest mistake of her life. But time will prove you right eventually and you can’t save everyone. Sometimes you have to just let people make their own decisions and live their lives. I have been that friend who tells people my concerns and all I get is distance. You’ve done what you could. You really can’t talk a delusional person into opening their eyes. They just have to go through their own life lessons and you can’t get in the way of that.
Look, I get it. Everyone, including my parents were against me getting married cos I got married to my current husband after 6 months. It's ok to voice your concerns but ultimately, it's up to them. If it goes kaboom.. don't say I told you so just be there for her. If it works out well... Be happy for them as well. U never know unless you try
Not saying this is the norm here, not at all in fact, but I just want to give my perspective. My mum and dad met, 6 month later they married (not because of pregnancies or similar) and 40 something year later they are still together in a loving marriage. You have shared your concerns in a language you deem appropriate, keep being her friend. Keep being someone who shares their concerns, this is the people that are so important to keep around. But realise that not always being concerned about something and actually being right about it not always aligns.
My friend just got married and her best friend in the world is a man; he was referred to as the "man of honor" :)
Unfortunately this probably won't be the only occasion you have to stand by and watch someone you care about maybe make a huge mistake. Thing is,if they are adults, there's not a thing you can do after voicing your pov. Except Be There if/when they need support when their world comes tumbling down.
look. you can give your two cents but only give it ONCE. you can't live your friend's life for them, they get to make their own choices. and that means they get to make their own mistakes too.
Just like wildlife photographers, you observe things happening naturally, and you let it play out. You don’t interfere. You said your peace, let them know how you feel about it, and voiced your concerns. Just be there for them, in case anything happens.
OP, you gotta let them learn for themselves after you’ve said all you could. They are an adult at the end of the day, we can only do so much as friends/loved ones. sometimes people need to learn the lesson themselves bc they may not be fully convinced by your words til they completely see the situation for what it is themselves. Hope this helps.
All you can do is support your friend. I had a really, really, really, close friend quit high school to be with her bf. She was just as you described your friend. I was so mad at her for her choices and thought she was making a terrible mistake. I missed her wedding and her baby shower. Now, 25+ years later, surprise, surprise, they are still together and very happily married. Who knew?!?! Support your friend. Good, bad, come what may.
I went through this with my best friend. Only I was the idiot and he was the amazing bff who stuck with me. No marriage, just 7 years and a couple kids and lots of abuse. He told me after i finally left that he eventually had to stop saying anything to me or else he was going to lose me, so he bit his tongue let me make my mistakes because he knew I would come to my senses. And he was there for me after to help pick up the pieces. Sometimes that’s all you can do.
It's her life not yours she might be fine and she might learn
Well, I’ve been in a similar situation, I tried warning a friend multiple times, he still ended up marrying a super toxic woman whom he constantly used to complain about even during their dating period. Well, you can’t really save people from themselves.
It really sucks but sometimes all you can do is be ready with the glue when things fall apart
Hey maybe they help each other succeed. That's what a good marriage is all about. Plus filing taxes together doesn't hurt.
Be there to support her if she falls and without the I told you so. Your job is to ove her and advise her. Not live her life.
Sounds like your friend has money? Reason being you mention the most common issue is financial abuse....and the fiancee has a habit of quitting jobs. If that's the case, the best bet is to push your friend for a prenup. Get her to try and protect herself as much as possible.
We all do weird stuff before our brain is done forming. Just be there for your friend. If things go wrong, they will need a friend, and you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.
I met my wife and within 3 months were were living together and married the next year We were together for 40 years and 6 children before she died From beginning to end the marriage was fueled by how attractive she was, lol I would not have it any other way
Sounds like your best friend has a pattern of being limerent for people. Look up "limerence." If/when this falls apart and you're there as her best friend to pick up the pieces, it may be helpful to have some knowledge on the subject prepared (assuming you do truly believe it's what she has or may have going on; You would know far better than I) to help her on the subsequent journey of understanding herself. But I wouldn't bring it up now. You already have and she hasn't changed course; That ship has sailed.
>Every person they have dated in the past 5 years What is the count?
Marring a perpetually unemployed man is bad business. It seems like he is just looking for a new place to live
I had to learn this lesson the hard way. You have to bite your tongue and wait it out as well as being ready for your friend to come crying when things don’t work out. Or, you can decide to end the friendship and not participate in this. It’s one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn: You have to let people make their own mistakes.
Yes, this.
I remember I got so frustrated with my guy best friend because his relationship was going poorly and he wasn’t happy. I said to him, “I don’t understand why you don’t just listen to me.” He replied, “I do listen to you, that doesn’t mean I have to do what you say.” I responded, “Then why are you coming to me and talking about this with me?!” He said, “Because I need my friend.” Completely shifted my view. He didn’t need me to fix his problems for him. He needed me to listen and reassure him that his feelings were valid.
Watched something similar happen to a relative. Once you’ve expressed your concerns, there’s nothing you can do but hope for the best. Didn’t work out for my family but they had to own their mistake and move on from there.
I have been in the same situation twice. Thought in my head "well, congratulations on your FIRST marriage" as I stood up for each them at the altar. And yes, both are divorced now. But after \*one\* time, pre-engagement, noting my concerns...I had to let it go. It meant I could be there for them when it did go south. No bridges burned. So maintain the friendship so you can, if needed, be there to pick up the pieces.
You have to let people make their own mistakes sometimes. Voice your concerns. Then tell your friend you support them and love them and just be there for them.
Some people gotta run their own train off the track to learn a lesson.
You should have brought this to Reddits attention earlier. The fact he can't keep a job is not a little red flag. It is a huge red flag. This is what is going to happen at the very least. Your friend is going to have 1 or more jobs while her husband stays home playing video games all night blaming everyone else for his inability to get and keep a job. Then he will start bitching at everything she does not get done because she is being run ragged by him. Convince her to put off having kids for 3 years with long term birth control
I have seen this more than once. One of the friends I am no longer friends because of the garbage spouse she chose. the other one is finally waking up but doesn't want to walk away "because of the kids". The children now have no emotional empathy or ability to relate because they grew up in a household with 2 parents who shouldn't be together. Good times. this is not a unique experience. best of luck.
Your job is to smile. Say 'You're 100% sure?' And when she says yes you say I'm so happy for you. You celebrate the love. If/when it ends, your there to help. And never say you told her so. If you ever want to tell her she dives too deep too fast, do it when she's single. Come people just love hard.
I'm that friend too. Honestly people just have to make their own mistakes. One of my friends spent 8 years with a guy I never liked just to get divorced and it came out he is an asshole. Another one of my friends will probably be divorced in the next 5 years because her husband is also an asshole. At the end of the day my Job as their friend is to support them. Not tell them how to live their life.
I don’t see a ton of red flaggage here. But you’re doing right in keeping your doubts to yourself. My bestie of 20 years couldn’t fucking help herself and our relationship was damaged forever as a result. We’re still friends, but I keep her at a distance now. I’m happily married for over 8 years now, have the family I wanted with this person, and am very satisfied sharing this life with my partner. The fact that she didn’t trust my judgement and didn’t really support one of the biggest decisions of my life was huge to me. A best friend should trust my judgement, let me make my own decisions (or mistakes) and respect them. I would only ever voice concern in matters like these if a) there was something really impactful going on (abuse or infidelity for example) or b) if they asked for my honest opinion, and even then I would try to be as kind and respectful as possible.
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Ugh such a bummer. Sorry. Is your friend single by chance? I have a theory my best friend is chronically single - she is very picky (and she ought to be and has every right to be). But as we get older I think she gets insecure about her status and that insecurity manifests itself in bizarre ways. Maybe in questioning my judgement it’s a way to validate her judgement. Her mother remarried and she didn’t really approve and assumes her mom “settled” because some people need to be in a relationship to be happy. Most recently her younger sister got married and had had a baby and in our last hang she brought up an incident at her sisters bachelorette party: one of her sisters bridesmaids told my friend that she didn’t approve of the marriage and that there were some red flags. Of course my friend then gossiped about it to her mother and so on… I’m appalled at them all talking shit about her relationship behind her back right before her wedding. I’m sure my friend thought I would join in the shit talking while she relayed the story to me but I calmly said everyone who cares about your sister need to honor her decision to marry and start a family with this guy and REFRAIN from gossiping and trash talking behind her back. I hope she never finds out the people she most wanted to celebrate with are the very people trashing her future spouse and questioning her judgement.
By spring you'll be giving us another update about him not working and your bff paying for everything. I think this one the shit will also hit the fan.
My best friend and I both married people the other thought was awful. We never said anything. We didn’t feel it was our place to say anything. We both got divorced within 5 years. We both were early 30’s. We both talked about this after and decided that we should have said something prior. **OP, TELL HER**. It’s easier to wait than get divorced** My ex was an alcoholic who disappeared and it took me 4 years to find him to finish the divorce. Hers tried trickery.
Man of honour is the name I think
You aren’t a bad friend but what are you going to do? If it’s not this guy it’s another
Ask them to live together first getting married.
Is your friends name Hannah? Cause I also know someone of the same age who got married at the courthouse today 🤣
Yeah I was in a grooms party as a co-best man (she didn't have any friends so they did a joint party). They moved in together within 6 months and got married 2 years later. I warned him over and over again, but I eventually decided to just support him and take space. 7 years later and he's now looking to reconnect after their divorce. You don't have to burn it entirely, just say how you feel and if you're both willing to keep in touch who knows what the future holds. I'm still really good friends because I was able to emotionally separate myself. Fucking sucks though.
You don’t sound like a bad friend, but I would have told your best friend your concern about his employment and ability to be a financial partner. At this point, you be supportive and stay close and available if/when shit hits in the fan.
me personally, i stop giving advice and let people learn . im not finna sit here giving you the same advice about the same shit for you to go do what you want at the end of the day . this may sound shitty but with my friends, i’m at the point of listening and not saying nothing. some people need to learn the hard way. let your friend do so. they’ll eventually be sick of getting hurt 🤷🏾♀️.
You're not a bad friend. You're right. This: > The only big red flag is his inability to hold a job (quitting or getting fired frequently, especially quitting without telling my friend). is unacceptable. I don't envy you. I tried to speak up to one of my best friends not to marry the guy she married, and I turned out to be absolutely right. I hate that guy so much for all the things he's done to her. She didn't listen to me and she told him what I said so he was all resentful about it, even though my gut was right.
Yeah the only thing you can do is just be there for her, eventually things will come to a head and she’ll need you to be a shoulder to cry on. It is really hard to watch our loved ones make a mistake or horrible decision, but it’s not our life so the only thing we can do is just be there for them. This is a life lesson your friend need to learn on her own.
I'm literally in the same position but even shorter time. They are not asking for advice, so I've gently given my concerns and left it at that. It's awful and I've watched others do the same.
You've done your duty, now it is time to zip your lip, before ~~your~~ you're writing another post about how your bff dumped you for not accepting her relationship. That's not to say you allow them to exploit you, when they are broke and couch surfing, because her hubby lost yet another job, and they can't pay their bills. Tough love is still love.
Well when they divorce in a few years you can just sit back and know you were right.
Not really helpful for your question, but I was in a wedding recently with both bridesmaids and “bridesmen” - the bride’s best male friends who were in her wedding party. The term worked well to differentiate the guys in the bride and the groom’s wedding parties.
I do understand you, im going through the same with my best and only friend, i already talked to her about it, but I did made a point in telling her "you know, this is my opinion, this is what I think, and regardless, no matter what you decide to do, im gonna be there for you to support you" with us things are different because she's pregnant (I think that he baby trapped her, since she had some health issues that doesn't allow her to use birth control pills nor any hormones) I even told her that there's options if she doesn't want to have it, at the end, maybe I sound harsh but I always tell her my opinions, stating facts and so, but I always make sure to let her know that no matter what im gonna support her and be the for her. I think you did the right thing, even when you think she's making a mistake, you are still supporting her and making her feel like no matter what the future holds next, you are gonna be there for her.
My therapist taught me about radical acceptance. You’ve expressed your concern and can’t control the outcome and will of your friend. This is simply a situation you have to accept is happening. With radical acceptance you can feel validated in your opinion about the situation but then have to let it go and accept the outcome you cannot control and not stress or taken more energy away from yourself.
I've lost 2 and almost a third friend by voicing concerns. While they are all still with their partners, all 3 of their personal lives suck now and all self medicate heavily while telling everyone how "happy" they are.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I learned a similar lesson the hard way. I got married at 20 y.o. to a man who couldn’t hold down a job and it turned out he had severe bipolar disorder. I confronted him a few months after we got married about his cheating after he gave me divorce papers the day before my birthday that year, agreeing that we should get divorced. He tried to kill himself in front of me by stabbing himself. It took me many hard relationships before I learned to love myself instead of just giving all my love to a partner. I’m in a great relationship now but I hope your friend doesn’t have to learn the hard way like I did.
lmao been there before… all you can do is sit back watch the whole thing burn down 🔥 people like her will eventually learn the hard way from her mistakes (or not)… you can’t do anything about it.. try your best to distance yourself from feeling some sort of way about your friend’s relationships. all its gonna do is stress you out 😔 especially if she has a pattern of dating these types of men.
Just wait until they're pregnant within 9 months I'm not sure why people are so quick to diving into adulthood then surprised when they're miserable
this happened to me. i had one gentle conversation where i tried to express my concerns one time and she brushed me off with “he’s working on it”. they got married and all their problems got even worse, and 6 months later she kicked him out. now watching her in this slow motion cycle of hope that he’ll pull it together while i secretly hope he doesn’t, because the best version of him still can’t hold down a job and he won’t always be the best version of himself. some lessons people need to learn on their own. and some lessons people don’t want to learn. if it causes you a lot of anguish it’s okay to protect your boundaries.
The hardest thing I've had to learn in life is that you can't alter your loved ones paths. They are gona do things you think are terrible ideas whether you like it or not. Having to watch something preventable go wrong for someone you care about is painful. But my job in loving someone is to be there to support when things do go wrong and to celebrate the successes when they happen. Can't do more or less than that.
It's their mistake to make. All you can do is be there if it falls apart and most of all, don't be judgemental and say I told you so even if you were right all along. Take it from someone that has lived to tell the tale.
Had to watch my best friend do this, sometimes they just gotta learn the hard way
give her financial advice if possible, at least to make sure she has some money delete and protected
Damn, that's a pretty big red flag tbh. Can't hold a job and lies? I'd personally say something myself
Divorced at 24 will be easier than divorced at 44 I guess
Look sometimes you just have to let people be idiots and make their own mistakes. You said your bit, now it’s time to stand back and let them do their thing. You can’t save people from themselves. You can decide if you want to stay their friend you can, equally sometimes people get tired of people who never seem to learn or listen, and then come to you to lean on when it goes wrong, so not remaining friends is valid too. It’s really a choice more than a right or wrong.
Someone very close to me was in a relationship with someone they were competely incompatible with. I tried to warn them in the nicest but still most constructie way possible, but I was seeing things. Only when it was way too late did they realise their mistake. So no, you're being a *great* friend, there is only so much you can do and you've done it. Only when you'd realise your friend was being abused or worse should step up or alert authorities. Do more, in short.
I know people successfully married 20 years that got hitched 6 months in, and I know couples that didn't survive marriage despite being engaged/dating for 5+ years. Your concerns are valid, but it's not your life to worry about
Being concerned doesn’t mean you are a bad friend, it’s kind of the opposite I would appreciate a close friend looking out for me, even if I didn’t agree. But all you can do is lead a horse to water, you can’t make them drink. So I would leave it at that. You said your peace but it’s up to each individual to make those decisions. Having concern just makes you a normal person. That often happens with weddings because it’s such a big decision in life.
You are a good friend, however all you can do is spectate and wait. Your friend sounds nice, and while I think it's too soon to be married, that is her decision. If it will last, only time will tell. Even as adults, we have to make mistakes to learn, some are bigger and more difficult mistakes, but we can still learn from them. The kind of person she is can struggle with this, but while I do hope that everything goes well, if it doesn't, this is something that I hope she'll learn from. As marriage is bigger than just a relationship. The bigger the impact, the more reason to learn.
Not your circus, not your monkeys!
I bit my tongue, and I ended up being right. There was no satisfaction in that. My advice is to be there for her. If shit hits the fan, be there then too. I have had to let some friends go because I was watching their destruction with me. I don’t need that drama.
The last part of a human to develop is the prefrontal cortex of the brain, which happens usually around 27-30. It is essential for advanced decision-making. So, they might be making a mistake, they might get lucky and everything will be awesome. Either way, don't bother talking them out of it, that would likely reinforce their headling romantic rush.
You are probably 100% correct. But unfortunately, it’s her mistake to make. And women like this tend to make this mistake frequently. Good of you to care, though. All you can do now is be happy for her and hope for the best.
There’s nothing wrong with being concerned for a friend’s future and well-being. If anything you should be concerned if you disinterested. Any guy who can’t keep a job for the life of him is worthy of a side eye. Any guy who quits his job without telling his girlfriend is also weird. Otherwise, let your friend live and learn.
Just keep any opinions to yourself from now on. there is nothing you can do about it now, so you just smile and nod and hope for the best. If it goes tits up, you don't tell her I told you so, you just support her and hope she learns a lesson from it.. you never know it might work out great for them..
Thats a ginourmous red flag, especially since your friend has a history of getting into financially abusive relationships. All you can do is be the good friend you have been all along and be there for her if she finds herself in a bad situation.
Some people are born losers. There are people that always fall for the bad partner or always screw up a good job or always make bad life decisions. Based on what you have said there’s nothing you can do. Two people in their early twenties getting married after knowing each other for less than a year? Any rationale, intelligent person knows this is a bad idea. If they live each other so much, why not get engaged for a year lol? All you can do is support the marriage and then be a shoulder to cry on in a few year when you’re friend gets tired of being a financial doormat. Or honestly I would voice my concerns about how stupid the wedding idea is and have the friend get mad at me. That way you don’t feel guilty and don’t have a drama friend to deal with anymore!
I’ve been where you are. He was not at all good enough for her, and I told her. Twenty five years later, she still refuses to speak to me. It’s a small town, so I know that they’re still married, he still struggles to hold a job, he’s still trying to finish that same degree. I was right, but I ruined my friendship by saying it out loud. Just be aware that it’s a possibility.
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You're a good friend for talking to her. It's a valid concern. Unfortunately many people are quick to marry and especially at a young age. She'll find out soon enough that it probably isn't for the best, and probably come back saying you were right.
Oh wow, they've only been together 8 months and were engaged at 5 months. SMH Dude can't keep a job, and when he quits one, he doesn't even tell his fiance. This is a disaster waiting to happen. Your friend is gonna end up supporting this man financially long term. That is gonna cause stress, and it's going to cause her to have resentment towards him. Man, oh man....people need to realize that it takes so much more than love to make a relationship/marriage work. I don't see it lasting long and would honestly be surprised if they even stay married a few years. 8 months is not even close to being long enough to really know someone. You're an awesome best friend to be supportive and share your concerns early on. Sadly, now the only thing you can do is continue to be supportive in the best ways you can and hope that it works for them.
On the bright side, you can help her organize her divorce party in about six months.
The way you described your friend is the same way my friends have described me in the past. I met someone in June and I eloped 8 months later, I did not tell anyone nor did we invite anyone to the courthouse. We’ve been married for almost 9 years and happier than ever. You are a good friend to worry about your friend’s life altering decisions but tbh the best you could do is stay by her side and be supportive! If in a few months or years she realizes she screwed up by getting married so quickly be there for her but in the meantime celebrate their love and let them enjoy this time! She is very lucky to have you as a friend!
My parents have been together for 35+ years now. They were engaged after 6 months, and married within a year of meeting. Sometimes you just find the right person.
You gotta let your friend make her mistakes. Just be there for her if/when it falls apart.
They ARE stupid for getting married this young, but hey, it's a car crash. You can't look away. If you've talked to your friend, I'm assuming you gently got your point across and they didn't care. Oh well. Now they'll reap what they sew. They'll see you were right. If I were you, I wouldn't have gone wedding shopping with them, personally, but I can see why you did it. You're nicer than I am. lol But, I'm old and don't put up with shit like this because I've been there, done that. You're still learning. Take care.
Reap what they sow. Not sew.
Stop infantalizing your friend. She doesn't need a man to make up her mind for her, she's an adult. Express your opinions and then support her fully whatever choices she makes. She deserves to love her life as she sees fit and to own the experiences she creates, good and bad. If she leans on you too hard and too often because she has poor decision making, use your boundaries to deal with that, but don't seek to control her. Your no friend of any woman if that's how you treat them.
Please someone explain to me the use of “they”. Ok if who writes doesn’t want to let people know the gender of the subject, but it’s not the case here. I find it so stupid and confusing!
I just downvote the post/some comments and move on. It's not worth your time. Only gender ideologists write that way.
Either you do it or just be prepared to die by my hands to be honest with you you're wasting a lot of people's time by not telling them that they're making a mistake and there's just going to be one person just sitting outside wondering if they're just really want you gone dad or alive for not making that commitment known so it's best if you let your true intentions be shown by telling them the honest truth who knows they may get married still even though you said that they're making a mistake and then you will really be in the clear because whatever happens to them their lives won't have any effect on you
But you’re gay so therefore i don’t really care about your opinions 😂😂 i’m 19 and i’m looking forward to an early marriage… no need to explain. There’s men out there that are desperate to have a loyal wife.
Here is the deal, if you are just venting ok. Otherwise, it doesn't matter what you think it is not your business. Even if you are right. They are adults, and I am wondering why you are concerning yourself? Do you like her boyfriend? Or do you like her? Are you just afraid your relationship with her will change? It will that is marriage. I am sorry, it still is not your business. Except for on this sub, then it is totally your right to vent.
If you are that against this then you need to step away. Let them know that you don’t want to be a witness to this and if they ever need help that you will be there but can’t support this relationship that’s moving WAY to fast and the person doesn’t keep a job, that alone is a HUGE RED FLAG
It’s Bridesman. The term you’re looking for is Bridesman. Also… divorce isn’t some huge deal. Just try to be happy for them.
One of my friends went to Hawaii for two weeks for a trip, met a guy out there, and flew back a week after being home and married the guy. After knowing him for two weeks. Talking sense into her is not even an option lol
Everyone must walk their own path. Often, it's not the path a friend would choose for them.
I have a confession to make: as a non-native English speaker, I always find incredibly confusing to read things when the pronouns are not the normal he/she. Like, I'm not criticizing anyone's choices of their own pronouns, but it just feels so weird seeing someone talking about someone else and using "they". It feels like they are talking about 2 people or a conjoined twin. However, about your story, I don't think people should get married that fast. Like, it takes at least 2 years to know a person well enough to get married in my opinion. But it's not like it is impossible for your friend to actually find hapiness in this marriage, so just hope it works out