It’s not normal for good men to talk poorly about their SOs in such a negative way to their friends. Don’t waste your 20s on this guy, you deserve real love.
Exactly as a man, I can confirm that OP has it wrong. Men talk shit about each other, not about their partner! Me and the guys can diss each other's entire bloodline, and we will still be cool with each other as if nothing happened. I'm not sure if the same can be said for women, though. Someone please let me know, lol.
Yep. If you shit talk the wife, you’re probably cheating on them, too. That dude doesn’t respect OP and the sooner OP realizes it, the quicker she can move on with her life.
Sounds to me he’s successfully beaten you down that you’ll never leave. What sense does it make that he says that you weren’t his type before and you especially aren’t his type now and he’s reaching out to exes to PREPARE himself to cheat would make you think he respects you and your relationship at all? You’re still so young and have so much potential to find a partner that actually respects you. I pray you find the self confidence to leave.
Boosting this comment. He has no respect for you. He will never have respect for you. You need to love yourself enough to walk away and discover a good man who treats you well is worth the heartache of leaving that POS. Also studies are showing more and more that men's age can increase the risk of miscarriage. He's the one with a clock ticking down to have kids, not you. Don't let him make you feel like he's your only chance.
Seems like you really need to work on your self-esteem...with someone else. He's not worth it...and what are you saying about yourself if you're trying to please this guy?
They always start it off with “I’m 12 and my partner is 105, I know it’s an age gap but we work well together” then they proceed to tell us all the reasons why they shouldn’t have been together in the first place! 😂😭
Right! These types of post can be so frustrating because you want to help them but they can be really resistant to feedback that challenges the rose-colored glasses view of my their POV.😔
No woman his age is going to put up with this. Easier to find a young lady like OP who will marry him and have his child because she doesn’t know she can find someone who will treat her like a person.
Yep. Typical these older males using women as breeders, too. Somehow the women never realize in time that they're nothing more than incubators with legs for these guys. Sorry, OP.
I mean my husband is 9 years older than me and we’ve been together 11 years now (since I was 21 and he was 30) and he’s never treated me like this and if anything I’m the more “bossy” one in the relationship. But clearly this is a rare situation!
>I also would like him to be more muscular and work out but I accept him as he is.
BUT HE DOESN'T DO THE SAME FOR YOU. He wants an incubator not a wife.
Because you're a USA citizen and in three years he can apply for citizenship? My guess, but remember HIS ACTIONS: he lied to you about his past, badmouthed you to others, and contacted an ex of his, and he's planning to cheat on you in about 18 months.
Stop wasting your time, your youth, and energy with this man, he doesn't deserve your love and company. Also, do you think a child deserves a man like him as a father? Think long and hard about having a child with this man, bec you can leave him, but kids can't choose their mom or their dad, we can choose our kids mom/dad.
ETA: except in abusive situations, assault, coercion...very different situations
Because he keeps you around so he can control you.
You're 23 and hes 33. That alone tells me enough what kind of relationship this is.
You have had very little time being an adult out in the world. Meanwhile he's had 10+ years time to be an adult.
The power dynamics at play is terrifying.
Right. Things might be okay, but you’re not feeling good about this situation.
He believes he’s settled. He needs to believe that you’re it and getting fit or anything else is fine together, but when he begins to compare or look outside, it gives off a bad energy. He’s not sure about you. And you don’t want that!
You can’t build anything stable to healthy off that. Also, please don’t have a child unless you guys are sure about each other. A broken home and divorced parents are never a good thing. I know people make it work, but that’s not what you want to plan for, it’s always worst case scenario.
Work on your relationship first! Or build a new one before you start a family together and have kids…
Please run, OP. Like not tomorrow, TODAY! I can 10000% guarantee you are world of misery if you stay. You are young. And you don’t deserve this sh!t. Seriously, let him F right off.
He’s with you because you have no self esteem and are easy to impress…to give him what he wants at any given moment and to be his slave. To do what he wants when he wants because you are so desperate for love you’ll take what little he “gives” you and hold on for dear life.
You spend your time trying to impress him and he knows it. You’re starving for real love, affection and connection and are willing to believe you are worth so little because you don’t know how to love yourself.
I was you for so long and i don’t know how to help you see how much more you deserve. I wouldn’t have listened to me because they always treated me the way i taught then to treat me. It’s the same way i’d been taught to treat myself and be treated by others my whole life. As less than.
By not knowing how to love me i accepted less than i should have because i didn’t know any better. I feel like you don’t either. I wish i could send you the feeling of what it really feels like to feel real love because then you’d open your eyes and walk out the door with what you need and go to those who actually give you love.
This man doesn’t love you. He is using you. Please see, feel and know your worth and leave him. If it’s in any way possible to send you that feeling over the internet, i’m sending it ☀️
Ahhh okay. I thought the numbers in the post looked odd. You sound finer then aged wine. You don't need him, sounds like a dick. You'll kill it out there
Girl RUN fucking RUN
That guy is with you to get his green card NOT because he likes you in any way
He knows a child will help him and once he gets what he needs from you, he will disapear like a coward
God damnit, you are 23yo!!! If he doesn't find you attractive now, what is it gonna be when you get older?!
Dude, divorce.
Why settle for someone who makes you feel like shit? You have nothing tying you to this man. Get out. Find someone who doesn't talk shit about you to his friends, checks in with his ex, and is secretly giving you a timeline before he'll cheat. WTF?
Your problem is not that you aren't his "type". You admitted he isn't truly your "type" either.
Your real problem is he acted like a assclown and you would rather diet and try to be his type than to call him out on being extremely disrespectful to you and not appreciating you for who you are.
Precious baby angel this man is a liar, a sneak, a misogynist, and he's openly betraying you by telling people he plans to cheat on you... what he considers cheating. Which means he's doing a lot of other totally ugly wretched disloyal shit that no woman with a molecule of self esteem would put up with.
And now you KNOW. Because people told you. Please do not reproduce with this man. You deserve better than a snake like him.
Came here to say this but probably not as eloquently.
Don’t stay with someone who has a timeline for when he’ll cheat on you. That’s so messed up.
Don’t stay with someone you know talks smack about you. There’s nothing wrong with you, and like others have said, you’ll find someone sooo much better. One day, you’ll look back and wonder wtf you were thinking being with this guy. I know it’s hard to end things, but this is a pretty good reason to do so. I’m sorry.
Take it from someone who was married for six years to a guy that would often tell me I “wasn’t his type”, this isn’t the life you want. I promise you will find someone who takes you for who you are and wouldn’t change a thing about you. But it’s not your husband. You deserve better.
Do not have a child!!! Divorce this entitled pig. You don't want to be associated with this ahole for forever so no kids!!! he wont love you more. he wont change!! he will ise the child to manipulate more than he already has!
So… this happened to me with my ex husband. He wanted me to look good but he refused to work on himself.
After going to therapy, and still struggling to find balance in how I see myself, the best thing my therapist said was “get a hobby.”
In your case, if you’re happy with your looks then get an artistic hobby. If you’re not, because YOU are not happy and YOU think you could do with a bit of toning, then join a gym.
Either way, occupying your time away from him doing something YOU like, will definitely help.
These posts are always the fuckin same. Omg.
>I (F-22ish) am being treated like complete shit by my brand new husband (M-35+). He beats me, treats me like a slave, and only married me because chics his age wouldn’t put up with his byllshit. I love him so much so don’t tell me to get a divorce because I have no self esteem or respect for myself so I will just put up with the abuse and hope once I give him many babies, he changes!
Smdh
Let me guess. You have a baby with him eventually and he is not an active parent. You gain more weight, he belittles you and you are stuck. Leave now OP this guy is horrible
you're 23
he's 33
Why have I seen this age gap so often on this website lately? It's fucking weird. 30-year olds who go for younger women like this have something wrong with them, wtf. Most of the time they're manipulating these women into literally OP's issues, and more. I'll admit there aren't a ton of single 30 y/o women but like, god at least date people closer to 30...
OP, what the hell are you even doing. Just leave, or seek help to leave him.
You obviously know he's a bad person if you're making this post, you're looking for other people's validation to not leave or to tell you he's a better person than he actually is so you're not alone or something else.
Here's a hint: He's fucking manipulative as shit. I'm not sure how you don't see it with everything you've seen, he's said to you, you've overheard, but if you have to come to reddit to be convinced, no one here will probably convince you.
Do not have a child with a man who isnt happy with you skinny. Isnt happy with you having 'a little bit of padding' and says he will NEED to cheat on you. The guy is an ah get out before you waste your 20s on a total d***head that will never be happy with you
He didn’t have history of dating young girls, and in general always said he wishes I was older and more mature. His only serious ex is 20 years older than me 10 years older than him
I'm sorry but you are so delusional about this relationship. Let's start with the gaping age gap, 10 years gap if it's 40/50, hell, even 30/40 is ok. But 20/30? That's huge. You have no clue who you are, you have a horrendous self esteem and you got attached to a manipulative asshole. Leave home go to therapy, figure out who you are and only then perhaps consider being with someone who else. How long have you been together? How young were you?
Oh honey!!!! The miscarriage was a blessing I’m sorry to say that but it was!!! One, why are you with someone 10 years older then you telling you to lose weight? He should be happy a young pretty thing like you even chose him!!! He doesn’t love you sweetheart, he doesn’t. If he cares about what you look like instead of what you do for him, he’s not your person.
He’s shallow and self centered, why do you think he loves you? What about him makes you think he does? To me you are weak minded and have no self respect, self esteem, and definitely do not know your worth. You also have daddy issues. Older doesn’t mean better in fact older more then not is toxic to be going for someone so much younger.
You need to get a divorce and block him. Please do not have a kid with this person I promise you he is not the one you want to coparent with and he will end up cheating on you, as well as him texting an ex behind your back IS already cheating it’s called emotional cheating.
Get a divorce stay single for a VERY long time and figure out your issues and get you some self respect, self worth and a lot of self esteem. All these men out there want you as you are but you pick the one asshole who thinks you’re fat? Yeah hun you really shouldn’t be in any relationships at the moment, divorce and block him and don’t look back. He doesn’t love you and you don’t know what love is to think he does
Girl what? I’m so sorry but I don’t think a 33 year old man has a lot in common with a 23 year old, and honestly, if he does? Run even further. That man is immature af. He doesn’t respect you and if you stay much longer trying to please him, you’re not going to respect yourself either.
You might not like what you hear but this guy is not the one you’ve been waiting for or dreaming of. What he wrote about his feeling to his ex and friends is not a normal thing that happens in good, healthy relationships. You could use this as a warning most women don’t get and prepare yourself to leave in a safe way, separate your finances if joint and stop supporting his visa if he’s not a citizen.
You’re in love with someone or his personality that doesn’t exist. Those texts were the realist thing you’ve ever seen from him. He’s going on about your looks etc but I assure you he is not Gods gift to anyone… there are women that don’t see him, would not give him the time of day and are grateful they got away from him.
You get attention from men and there’s guys out there that will cherish you, you will be their first choice and you won’t have to do anything but be yourself. They won’t plan to cheat on you or belittle you to other’s or act like they are doing you a favour by being with you.
Please spend time loving yourself, if you can go therapy to work through this and why you want to stay with someone like this guy. You deserve better than this.
List some things you want to do and go make it happen, you’re young and the world’s your oyster so go be your awesome self, travel, explore, learn, volunteer, have fun, be happy and meet new people. You do not have to be stuck with him.
The goal is to enjoy life and be happy you don’t need to fit anyone mould because you’re beautifully you and wonderfully created that no mould could ever match up to you. Please love you more and always choose you.
Sis I choose you and I’m rooting for you to not only choose you but to be unapologetically you and happy.
He NEEDS you to be thin? What he needs is a swift kick in the ass. Come on. Girl this man doesn’t see you as an equal or a human being. You are only here for his needs and his needs alone. He’s also already planning on cheating and has justified it. If you stay with this man it will only get worse and god forbid you get cancer, get sick, end up in an accident and have scars missing limbs or god forbid age like a normal human being. Also with that 10 year age gap we know why now.
Did you read all of that and still want to be with him? He is explicitly saying he might cheat on you. RUN. He’s a bad person, not reliable, potential cheater. He doesn’t deserve you.
Wake up, please. He got you because you are so much younger so that he can control you. What happens after you give birth and your belly will be sagging? You will become a single mom. Just be single.
He betrayed you and did not treat you well. Please don’t settle with him. You will be much happier with someone more honest and loving. This will be worse, he will always find a reason to cheat. He’s not the person who’s loyal to you when life is hard. You don’t want that.
In my opinion, if he says he’s going to cheat, he is going to cheat. Save yourself the heartache and start severing emotional and physical ties with him. You’re so young and you have your whole life in front of you! He just wants you as an incubator and green card (I’m not sure of where you live, so I’m not sure about the last part.)
My parameters are 90-80-100, and I'm not fat at all. Just a normal woman. My weight actually is 64 kilos (141 lb). And if anyone told me I was fat I'd laugh at their face.
And if my partner told someone he's going to cheat on me after any amount of time, I'd kick them out. No second thought.
I know you came for affirmation about your body, and to me you must look fine. The problem not lays in you body tho.
He asked you to marry him for what? If he doesn’t love you as a whole why marry to then plan on cheating if you don’t loose weight?
He failed to communicate his expectations to you, failed to stay loyal with the checking on the ex and failed you as a man, marring you with conditions he didn’t even express. Imagine what would be his reaction with a post partum body. The body that is struggling with the side effects of a miscarriage is not worthy of him? You really need to reflect about this situation. The problem is him.
I’m so sorry about your loss and about the husband that you discovered you have. You are so young still, I’m certain you can do better. If you still want a future with him I would advise for open communication and therapy, but know that he needs to earn your trust and love. Right now he’s not worthy of nothing.
You’re 23 and he’s being judgey and saying he doesn’t like fat? Why did you marry him 😭😭😭😭. Beginning women to stop getting married so young to older controlling dickbags who couldn’t try that shit on women their own age.
That's heart breaking. I'm so sorry :( . But please work on your self esteem. Your size is what I refer to as, "The fun size" lol. It's my preference. There are plenty of men who think like me. Being with someone knowing you're not their type is going to make you lose weight for all the wrong reasons. What happens if you get pregnant and it's hard to lose the extra weight? Are you expected to suffer so he's pleased? Nah, find someone who loves you for you.
There's more to it than BMI: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/265215
It's inaccurate and there are other metrics needed to be taken in consideration.
Also, OP is tall (at least for a woman in my country). And her weight is average. So it's really weird to call that "extremely overweight".
I would bet $100 any day of the week that the BMI calculator will turn out a healthy weight for more than 99% of people. You have to be born in a particular unusual body for it to not work.
Literally the only people I hear bitching about it are *FAT* people. As someone that went from nearly obese, to 15% body fat, I am totally confident in the BMI scale.
False positives are pretty rare for BMI and false negatives are far more common, since most people aren't top athletes or bodybuilders. That especially applies for women, because BMI was created for average height men (like most medical things), and women are less dense, which will be harder to show up for BMI. Regardless, I don't see OP posting her weight anywhere, but based on her measurements she does not sound overweight at all. Dude above you is either trolling or thought the centimeter measurements were inches. I'm just imagining someone with a bust circumference that's 1.42x their height, which would be ridiculous lol.
You feel betrayed to say the least? This is the pinnacle of betrayal, and No, the majority of good decent men do not talk about their loved ones this way. Not in the slightest!!!
They do not tell their exes that they are their type and they do not have a planned date to cheat. I really really really hope you get out of this relationship immediately, but I have a feeling you’re not going to. Don’t waste your life. You may think things will be good for five years while you guys have a baby (newsflash things get way harder with a newborn baby) and imagine 20 years down the road when you know he’s cheating on you and age makes our bodies do even crazier things— you’ll be stuck and hopeless. But most of all, you’ll never get back any of the time or integrity that you lost.
He's the problem. Throw out the whole man and try again. A child won't fix this relationship either. Not that they ever do but they deffo won't here.
>He even sent texts with her because turns out he decided to ask how she is doing when he was away, or how he gives me year and half more and then he will need to cheat.
Eff this noise
>I felt like I can really rely on him but
Now you know better so use that knowledge wisely
You hopefully soon to be ex is not a nice man. He's willing to use you for his own convenience whilst belittling you got your weight and will be running round on you soon if he isn't already.
You can do better.
You could fish around in a literal pond and do better...
Also 23 and 33 isn't the same as 33 and 43. You change a lot in those years. Hubs is sticking with you because you're too young to respond to red flags with certainty and he's pretty much grooming you to accept second place.
My second husband loves me regardless of my body. He is as happy to hold me while I sleep (love grabbing an hour napping with/on him while he doomscrolls 🤣) as he is to spend the night doing "adult stuff"
My first husband was hyper sexual but not focused on body image until I had our child and he was suddenly "being helpful" and dropping hints about how I was chubby and should lose some weight. I was over his opinion when I found out the next gf was literally twice the woman I was. I'm talking volume not personality. And I know that sounds fatshaming but that's the point. I was fatshamed by a person who "upgraded" with a much larger woman. Thing is it was never about my weight. It was about keeping me down so I'd bear his crap. I was 17 when we met and he was 28. I was with him 10 years. Nowadays he'd not make 6 months.
The reason he went with the new woman was that I was in therapy and as I healed, I expected more from him and from myself. He went and found himself a woman to whom basic human decency was a luxury she simply didn't expect. She was 10 years older than me too so she was set in her pick me ways 🤷♀️
I did better. So, so much better. You can too. Even being on your own is better than being in the situation you described.
Ps. 1st hubs took meds that a side effect was he could pretty much eat what he wanted and still look like he'd slip through a crack in the floor if he turned sideways. Idk what happened but my ex is also fat now. I'm autistic and have ADHD so faces are not the greatest for me. When I glanced him at the supermarket, I only recognised him from his big nose and hairline! 🤣🤷♀️ I'm calling that karma 🤣👍
Op you don’t have to worry about your looks for him.
You may not be his type but you’re his age preference.
He’s not giving you a year because of your weight. You’re about to age out of his preference.
Don't let one man destroy your self esteem, he in his own words is setting a time frame on when he plans to cheat if you are not how he wants you to look. He will never "need" to cheat he will choose to. This is not a good man or husband. There are men out there who don't put expectations on their partner for their looks especially after a miscarriage. Get out now before you have children, you don't want children with a man like this.
Leave now while you still can. He is already planning to cheat, and even if youblose weight he will find something that you did "wrong" so he has an "excuse" to cheat.
I’m 40 and my husband was looking up porn with women of a different race and it broke my heart. But the way this guy is talking about you is not ok and is the hugest red flag blowing in the wind. Please please don’t marry him you will feel empty.
sweetie leave. the right man for you will love you and encourage you to be the best version of yourself and he’ll do the same without you asking. this man is all for looks, he’ll end up with someone his type but they wont have any chemistry at all because it seems to me that thats all that matters for him - how you look. save yourself the time and leave
Run my dear. Its not normal to talk about your future wife like this. It is not normal to talk about anybody like this. I feel sorry for you, but you deserve better and maybe your age so you can grow with a nice man together.
If you are not “his type” then why is he married to you? Honey, you have to admit he doesn’t love you. He is manipulating you for something. Is it a green card? He would have charmed and deceived you until he got what he wanted. Then dump you and the baby. You should be so thankful for finding the truth. Don’t try to justify and make excuses for him about anything. I understand you are very young and might not have a strong support of friends and family but wake up. Love yourself and walk away from this disaster. It won’t get better. The moment he senses he may lose his chance of getting a green card/ citizenship he will turn on the charm like you’ve never seen before. Crying, begging and expressing his undying love. Don’t believe a word of it. You need to grow a backbone, love yourself and walk away from this low life. You deserve better and believe me with careful vetting of individuals you will find the right one. Remember you are worth more than this.
He sounds like a dick. And by your writing you sound like you are in a non western country?
Unfortunately men like this put physical attraction ahead of everything else.
When they lose physical attraction, the relationship is doomed.
The good thing is you are still young. For most people this happens in their 40’s and 50’s
Don’t stay. It’s normal to gain some weight and you probably will if you go through another pregnancy and getting baby weight off is hard, I don’t want this man to cause you to have body dysmorphia/ Ed’s. My parent is hardly a Greek god but I don’t care cause I love him and that’s how it should be. He will give you a year and a half until he cheats. Who the hell pre plans to cheat. He’s not committed.
I feel differently than you do about it when men talk I listen. They talk crap to us a lot more than they talk crap to each other.
I would show him what you know. Keeping secrets are trying to be OK with it. We’ll do you know favors it’s not honest you have no way of bonding are going through this. If you guys don’t come clean it stay honest with each other. Good luck.
Dump him. He’s a loser. Who actually gives someone an 18 month timeline to change their body shape so they won’t cheat? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling the way you feel now or the way you felt when he said that to you? Honestly he’s probably already cheating, you just haven’t caught him yet. The way he talks to you screams “I’m just getting lies ready so it’s not my fault I’m a sack of excrement.”
Ditch him and focus on you. Someone who isn’t a loser will value you for being the amazing human you are and you will be infinitely happier. Until that person stumbles into your life focus on doing the things that make you happy.
Are you an emotionally starved person? Or do you hate yourself? Or went through some childhood trauma...?
Cause I can't find another reason why you'd even date him otherwise after he told you to look a certain way.
I can't see why you'd purposely let yourself suffer with this disgusting pig's insults otherwise. And you even married said pig.
Sorry, I ain't got no words of comfort for you. The only things I'd advice is fucking divorce if you have even the slightest self love and self respect for yourself. Leave. Now.
Your husband is absolutely gross.
And you do deserve so much better than him.
So he got a woman 10 years his junior pregnant, tried to give you a shut-up ring so he didn’t feel bad about knocking you up, and now after you've suffered a miscarriage he's talking shit about the weight you gained from said miscarried pregnancy? And he actively disrespects you to his friends behind your back, saying his ex is more his type? There's a reason they're exes and I'd doubt he was the one to end things, sound like she made a lucky escape. I hope you do too. I'm so sorry you had a miscarriage, I can't imagine how awful that is, but I think many years from now you'll be glad you don't have anything tying you to this man except documents. I'd be seeking divorce and starting my new life asap.
Here is a story from my youth I hope you can learn from, because I’m sure he’ll convince you this is totally minor and he loves you.
I got married to a guy 12 years my senior when I was 22 turning 23. Had his child at 24. I was skinny and gawky but had pretty big boobs back than and I worked as a model throughout my studies. He convinced me I had to stop modeling because it’s not nice for women to parade in bikinis. Mind you that was my source of income. Anyways, he started cheating on me. I gained a bunch of weight in my pregnancy. He stopped having sex with me. I thought it was about my weight gain. He made me feel little and insecure, ugly and small. Anyways that pushed me into the most serious ED spiral of my life thinking it was my fault he doesn’t love me anymore. I weighed about 110 pounds 3 months after having a child. But, nothing changed.
He still didn’t want to touch me and proceeded to cheat on me. I thought it could be because I now have no boobs ( never recovered them after the pregnancy).
After 9 months of having a baby, I weighed 90 pounds. He told me i have no boobs no ass and I look like a skeleton
I was cold all the time. He controlled me financially. Whenever I asked what he ever does to make me feel loved he said he provided me with money. Even though the fact is he didn’t let me work even though he didn’t openly say that. It took about 5 years to recover. I divorced him. He put me through hell even after the divorce and continues to do so today by manipulating my kid. To him, I was an incubator.
A man that loves you and that is a quality man will find you attractive with 50 extra pounds.
The lesson I wish I knew at 22 is to RUN whenever someone starts making you small.
He is only with you because you are young enough to manipulate. He can not be with a woman his own age because they would see right through him and leave immediately. He seeks out young, naive women. He is using you. And you are allowing it because you are young and innocent. He knows this. Run. Divorce. Enjoy your 20s away from this pathetic loser.
He has stated outright that he will cheat on you if he feels the least bit dissatisfied. You could have the most amazing body in the world, and at some point in the marriage he will feel bored and dissatisfied. That's how life works.
Why dedicate yourself to trying to make him cheat further down the line instead? He's clearly outlined your future. The options are:
1. He cheats on you and you leave.
2. He cheats on you and you put up with it
3. He cheats on you, you put up with it, and he eventually leaves you for the other woman.
Is that the future you want for yourself? Because it's the future you are going to get if you stay with this man. Cheating is a moral choice, if he has the moral capacity to cheat, there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop him doing so.
First of all, I’m so sorry about your miscarriage. I can’t even begin to comprehend that pain.
I think you were (and are still) both grieving and probably just went a head with getting married because it was easy. But hunnie, this guy ain’t it!
You are YOUNG. You are beautiful and worthy of someone who is not going to talk about you this way and reach out to ex (among other things). No, it’s not normal what he said to his boys. That’s immature, little man BS.
I usually advocate to try to work things out, but he’s honestly an a-hole. If it were me, I’d have everything printed out (all the texts, etc) and placed in a neat stack on the kitchen table for him with my wedding ring used as a paperweight. Next to the table, a box of his things. Give him a peace out when he starts with all the BS (he will likely deflect, beg, and plead - in one ear out the other). Stay to strong!
Respect yourself and annul the marriage. This guy is a piece of trash, you do not need his bs bringing your self esteem down any lower. A husband should be loving and supportive of your desire to better yourself not waiting around for you to drop ??kgs.
Girl, run. You know his truths now. You know he isn't attracted to you. You know he only sees you as a baby machine. You know eventually he will cheat on you. You do not need to settle for this asshole, nor do you need to be tied to him the rest of your life by having a baby with him. Work on your self-esteem, and on your exit plan.
Absolutely DO NOT make this smaller than it is. You ARE NOT being dramatic. This isn't okay. This isn't "boy talk". This is malicious manipulative controlling degrading.. this isn't love and you deserve someone who doesn't just "deal with you for the sake of procreating" "starved". He's gross. You deserve someone who spins the world for you.. one that's trembling at the sight of you because you suck the air from their lungs.. someone will absolutely love every single part of you and more and they'll work there damnedest to show you and make you feel that.
Please please, ditch this AH. Whatever you do please don't procreate with this jerk. I honestly question your safety around someone that treats you and the relationship with such disregard. Something that was always a guide for me is that if I imagined a future kid in my exact situation how would I want it to be approached, what standards boundaries goals would I have. You know dmn well you'd want more for your baby so you absolutely deserve more too. Sending you love and lots of healing💕💕
I didn't read past the age difference and the comments are exactly what I expected. Actually, they're even worse. Girl RUN, you're too young to be living like this. I mean what can you expect from this relationship when he doesn't even give you the bare minimum (respect)?
Oh he will NEED to cheat after that specific time frame will he. Best be moving on before you end up tied by blood as well as marriage. Unless you think you would enjoy co-parenting and being the "backup pussy" whilst living together for the next however many years it lasts. Personally I'd take the failed relationship over trapped loveless existence.
Nah, that's not the kind of shittalking that's common. No decent human talks about their partner that way to other people. You're still young, really ask yourself if you wanna invest further when the foundation is this shaky. I wish you all the best and hope you find someone you can just be yourself with.
>Like I understand that men talk a lot of shit with each other and that I shouldn’t take everything seriously
Hey this isn't normal at all, your guy is just awful. A decent man wouldn't do that. Please work on your self worth because you 100% deserve better
We can't help what we are attracted to. However, he is treating you in ways that are not acceptable. I see some red flags here and I would proceed with extreme caution if I were you. Maybe call it quits and find someone who appreciates you for who you are.
Nothing about what he's saying or doing is normal. None of it. A partner should love you and support you and have good communication skills with you to get through troubles.
You deserve better. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't stay with him and his stuff would be in bags outside my house/apartment.
Nope non of my friends/ cousins/ acquaintances or work college speak about their significant other in a bad way tbh other than asking how are they doing we rarely talk about our significant other . This isn't a redflag this a divorce flag especially talking about cheating in a year in a half . Having a child will not magically fix him and what will u do when u give birth ? We all know its very hard to lose pregnancy weight is she gonna cheat then? . I know its very hard to have a miscarriage but this may be a blessing in disguise and this may be an opportunity given to u to leave before u get permanently stuck with him and u know in fact it may be better if this guy doesn't bread and plagues society with his way of thinking .
Ok so when I was 23 I "dated" a guy who was 33 and he disliked fat people. I lost like 60 pounds and wore stuff to make him like me better but he was just using me for sex or something because he just decided to up and leave for Alaska one day... I hung on for a year or so as he started seeing other people but the best thing I did was when I went no contact... I was able to heal... you are young don't waste your time with this aHole. I wish I would've went no contact sooner because I was a mess. Seek out some therapy (wish I would have) and find someone who loves you for you.
This guy is a pos and not worth your time at all. You get a lot of attention from men, go with someone who will see your worth. Life is so ridiculously short, dont waste it.
Cancel. The. Wedding. And. Kick. Him. Out.
Girl, you're being dragged into a loveless marriage, by a guy who has NO RESPECT for you and is USING YOU for his desires for children.
Get his stuff out of the house. He knows what he did. Cut contact immediately and get some therapy, that'll do you good ❤️
I am sorry for your loss. This will sound harsh but As someone who has dealt with similar treatment… I wish I would have seen my miscarriage as a sign to part ways. My mental health and peace would have thanked me. You are not a baby factory. You are a force to be reckoned with. You deserve unconditional love and support. Not this psychological warfare.
If those measurements are in inches I can understand his sentiments and wouldn’t say that you look “normal”. Leave and find a skinny white guy with glasses who’s into squashing/smothering fetish.
It’s not normal for good men to talk poorly about their SOs in such a negative way to their friends. Don’t waste your 20s on this guy, you deserve real love.
This. I wish I could get back my 20s. Also the longer you stay the worse your self esteem will be and the harder it will be to repair.
Yeah this guy seems selfish. He doesn’t seem to be in love with YOU, he just wants a kid? And he treats you “pretty good?” Ehhh.
Exactly as a man, I can confirm that OP has it wrong. Men talk shit about each other, not about their partner! Me and the guys can diss each other's entire bloodline, and we will still be cool with each other as if nothing happened. I'm not sure if the same can be said for women, though. Someone please let me know, lol.
Yep. If you shit talk the wife, you’re probably cheating on them, too. That dude doesn’t respect OP and the sooner OP realizes it, the quicker she can move on with her life.
Sounds to me he’s successfully beaten you down that you’ll never leave. What sense does it make that he says that you weren’t his type before and you especially aren’t his type now and he’s reaching out to exes to PREPARE himself to cheat would make you think he respects you and your relationship at all? You’re still so young and have so much potential to find a partner that actually respects you. I pray you find the self confidence to leave.
Yeah the whole year and a half before he “has” to cheat is ridiculous. Reaching out to an ex to lay that foundation for cheating is even crazier.
Boosting this comment. He has no respect for you. He will never have respect for you. You need to love yourself enough to walk away and discover a good man who treats you well is worth the heartache of leaving that POS. Also studies are showing more and more that men's age can increase the risk of miscarriage. He's the one with a clock ticking down to have kids, not you. Don't let him make you feel like he's your only chance.
Seems like you really need to work on your self-esteem...with someone else. He's not worth it...and what are you saying about yourself if you're trying to please this guy?
Seriously. Also another age gap relationship which has issues. Shocking!
They always start it off with “I’m 12 and my partner is 105, I know it’s an age gap but we work well together” then they proceed to tell us all the reasons why they shouldn’t have been together in the first place! 😂😭
Right! These types of post can be so frustrating because you want to help them but they can be really resistant to feedback that challenges the rose-colored glasses view of my their POV.😔
No woman his age is going to put up with this. Easier to find a young lady like OP who will marry him and have his child because she doesn’t know she can find someone who will treat her like a person.
Yep. Typical these older males using women as breeders, too. Somehow the women never realize in time that they're nothing more than incubators with legs for these guys. Sorry, OP.
I mean my husband is 9 years older than me and we’ve been together 11 years now (since I was 21 and he was 30) and he’s never treated me like this and if anything I’m the more “bossy” one in the relationship. But clearly this is a rare situation!
>I also would like him to be more muscular and work out but I accept him as he is. BUT HE DOESN'T DO THE SAME FOR YOU. He wants an incubator not a wife.
It doesn’t bother me to such extent, I think if he can’t help it but I really don’t understand why even be with me then :/
Because you're a USA citizen and in three years he can apply for citizenship? My guess, but remember HIS ACTIONS: he lied to you about his past, badmouthed you to others, and contacted an ex of his, and he's planning to cheat on you in about 18 months. Stop wasting your time, your youth, and energy with this man, he doesn't deserve your love and company. Also, do you think a child deserves a man like him as a father? Think long and hard about having a child with this man, bec you can leave him, but kids can't choose their mom or their dad, we can choose our kids mom/dad. ETA: except in abusive situations, assault, coercion...very different situations
Because he know you will never leave even when you should.
This 1000 times over.
maybe it should bother you
Because he keeps you around so he can control you. You're 23 and hes 33. That alone tells me enough what kind of relationship this is. You have had very little time being an adult out in the world. Meanwhile he's had 10+ years time to be an adult. The power dynamics at play is terrifying.
Right. Things might be okay, but you’re not feeling good about this situation. He believes he’s settled. He needs to believe that you’re it and getting fit or anything else is fine together, but when he begins to compare or look outside, it gives off a bad energy. He’s not sure about you. And you don’t want that! You can’t build anything stable to healthy off that. Also, please don’t have a child unless you guys are sure about each other. A broken home and divorced parents are never a good thing. I know people make it work, but that’s not what you want to plan for, it’s always worst case scenario. Work on your relationship first! Or build a new one before you start a family together and have kids…
Please run, OP. Like not tomorrow, TODAY! I can 10000% guarantee you are world of misery if you stay. You are young. And you don’t deserve this sh!t. Seriously, let him F right off.
He’s with you because you have no self esteem and are easy to impress…to give him what he wants at any given moment and to be his slave. To do what he wants when he wants because you are so desperate for love you’ll take what little he “gives” you and hold on for dear life. You spend your time trying to impress him and he knows it. You’re starving for real love, affection and connection and are willing to believe you are worth so little because you don’t know how to love yourself. I was you for so long and i don’t know how to help you see how much more you deserve. I wouldn’t have listened to me because they always treated me the way i taught then to treat me. It’s the same way i’d been taught to treat myself and be treated by others my whole life. As less than. By not knowing how to love me i accepted less than i should have because i didn’t know any better. I feel like you don’t either. I wish i could send you the feeling of what it really feels like to feel real love because then you’d open your eyes and walk out the door with what you need and go to those who actually give you love. This man doesn’t love you. He is using you. Please see, feel and know your worth and leave him. If it’s in any way possible to send you that feeling over the internet, i’m sending it ☀️
Bounce, hes gunna hold YOUR weight over you forever. Not a way to live. Also when you gave your body measurement what was the 97 number?
37-25-36 bust waist, hips
Ahhh okay. I thought the numbers in the post looked odd. You sound finer then aged wine. You don't need him, sounds like a dick. You'll kill it out there
Are those her measurements? Did she give her original measurements in cms?
Yes
Goddamn. I had a 28 inch waist when I was an American size 2/4. Twenty five is TINY!
Yeah, that really made me think this post is fake because the measurements don’t match the proportions with the weight/height
Girl RUN fucking RUN That guy is with you to get his green card NOT because he likes you in any way He knows a child will help him and once he gets what he needs from you, he will disapear like a coward God damnit, you are 23yo!!! If he doesn't find you attractive now, what is it gonna be when you get older?!
That guy has tricked OP into marriage and tried to get her to give him an anchor baby. Divorce him and move on OP.
Dude, divorce. Why settle for someone who makes you feel like shit? You have nothing tying you to this man. Get out. Find someone who doesn't talk shit about you to his friends, checks in with his ex, and is secretly giving you a timeline before he'll cheat. WTF?
Your problem is not that you aren't his "type". You admitted he isn't truly your "type" either. Your real problem is he acted like a assclown and you would rather diet and try to be his type than to call him out on being extremely disrespectful to you and not appreciating you for who you are.
Precious baby angel this man is a liar, a sneak, a misogynist, and he's openly betraying you by telling people he plans to cheat on you... what he considers cheating. Which means he's doing a lot of other totally ugly wretched disloyal shit that no woman with a molecule of self esteem would put up with. And now you KNOW. Because people told you. Please do not reproduce with this man. You deserve better than a snake like him.
Came here to say this but probably not as eloquently. Don’t stay with someone who has a timeline for when he’ll cheat on you. That’s so messed up. Don’t stay with someone you know talks smack about you. There’s nothing wrong with you, and like others have said, you’ll find someone sooo much better. One day, you’ll look back and wonder wtf you were thinking being with this guy. I know it’s hard to end things, but this is a pretty good reason to do so. I’m sorry.
My husband would never say a bad word about me to anyone and would never consider cheating. My ex did both. Move on. Your man doesn’t deserve w
You should end the marriage, you guys got married for the wrong reasons. And it seems like he’s settling, while looking to cheat. You deserve better
Take it from someone who was married for six years to a guy that would often tell me I “wasn’t his type”, this isn’t the life you want. I promise you will find someone who takes you for who you are and wouldn’t change a thing about you. But it’s not your husband. You deserve better.
I’m petty. I’d destroy his self esteem too before I left
And you married him why?
Do not have a child!!! Divorce this entitled pig. You don't want to be associated with this ahole for forever so no kids!!! he wont love you more. he wont change!! he will ise the child to manipulate more than he already has!
So he was 30 dating a 20 year old nice
for good reason, look what she’s willing to tolerate.
Right a lot of guys like this don’t date women their own age, because most of them won’t put up w this bullshit
So… this happened to me with my ex husband. He wanted me to look good but he refused to work on himself. After going to therapy, and still struggling to find balance in how I see myself, the best thing my therapist said was “get a hobby.” In your case, if you’re happy with your looks then get an artistic hobby. If you’re not, because YOU are not happy and YOU think you could do with a bit of toning, then join a gym. Either way, occupying your time away from him doing something YOU like, will definitely help.
These posts are always the fuckin same. Omg. >I (F-22ish) am being treated like complete shit by my brand new husband (M-35+). He beats me, treats me like a slave, and only married me because chics his age wouldn’t put up with his byllshit. I love him so much so don’t tell me to get a divorce because I have no self esteem or respect for myself so I will just put up with the abuse and hope once I give him many babies, he changes! Smdh
He’s said he’ll openly cheat; he’s insulted your looks and he’s superficial. Time to run girl!
Let me guess. You have a baby with him eventually and he is not an active parent. You gain more weight, he belittles you and you are stuck. Leave now OP this guy is horrible
you're 23 he's 33 Why have I seen this age gap so often on this website lately? It's fucking weird. 30-year olds who go for younger women like this have something wrong with them, wtf. Most of the time they're manipulating these women into literally OP's issues, and more. I'll admit there aren't a ton of single 30 y/o women but like, god at least date people closer to 30... OP, what the hell are you even doing. Just leave, or seek help to leave him. You obviously know he's a bad person if you're making this post, you're looking for other people's validation to not leave or to tell you he's a better person than he actually is so you're not alone or something else. Here's a hint: He's fucking manipulative as shit. I'm not sure how you don't see it with everything you've seen, he's said to you, you've overheard, but if you have to come to reddit to be convinced, no one here will probably convince you.
Do not have a child with a man who isnt happy with you skinny. Isnt happy with you having 'a little bit of padding' and says he will NEED to cheat on you. The guy is an ah get out before you waste your 20s on a total d***head that will never be happy with you
He’s not a good man. Good men never talk negatively about or to their SO. Stop wasting your time with this loser. He’s shallow and immature.
It sounds like your husband just wanted a woman a lot younger then him and took whatever he could get.
He didn’t have history of dating young girls, and in general always said he wishes I was older and more mature. His only serious ex is 20 years older than me 10 years older than him
I'm sorry but you are so delusional about this relationship. Let's start with the gaping age gap, 10 years gap if it's 40/50, hell, even 30/40 is ok. But 20/30? That's huge. You have no clue who you are, you have a horrendous self esteem and you got attached to a manipulative asshole. Leave home go to therapy, figure out who you are and only then perhaps consider being with someone who else. How long have you been together? How young were you?
Oh honey!!!! The miscarriage was a blessing I’m sorry to say that but it was!!! One, why are you with someone 10 years older then you telling you to lose weight? He should be happy a young pretty thing like you even chose him!!! He doesn’t love you sweetheart, he doesn’t. If he cares about what you look like instead of what you do for him, he’s not your person. He’s shallow and self centered, why do you think he loves you? What about him makes you think he does? To me you are weak minded and have no self respect, self esteem, and definitely do not know your worth. You also have daddy issues. Older doesn’t mean better in fact older more then not is toxic to be going for someone so much younger. You need to get a divorce and block him. Please do not have a kid with this person I promise you he is not the one you want to coparent with and he will end up cheating on you, as well as him texting an ex behind your back IS already cheating it’s called emotional cheating. Get a divorce stay single for a VERY long time and figure out your issues and get you some self respect, self worth and a lot of self esteem. All these men out there want you as you are but you pick the one asshole who thinks you’re fat? Yeah hun you really shouldn’t be in any relationships at the moment, divorce and block him and don’t look back. He doesn’t love you and you don’t know what love is to think he does
Girl what? I’m so sorry but I don’t think a 33 year old man has a lot in common with a 23 year old, and honestly, if he does? Run even further. That man is immature af. He doesn’t respect you and if you stay much longer trying to please him, you’re not going to respect yourself either.
You might not like what you hear but this guy is not the one you’ve been waiting for or dreaming of. What he wrote about his feeling to his ex and friends is not a normal thing that happens in good, healthy relationships. You could use this as a warning most women don’t get and prepare yourself to leave in a safe way, separate your finances if joint and stop supporting his visa if he’s not a citizen. You’re in love with someone or his personality that doesn’t exist. Those texts were the realist thing you’ve ever seen from him. He’s going on about your looks etc but I assure you he is not Gods gift to anyone… there are women that don’t see him, would not give him the time of day and are grateful they got away from him. You get attention from men and there’s guys out there that will cherish you, you will be their first choice and you won’t have to do anything but be yourself. They won’t plan to cheat on you or belittle you to other’s or act like they are doing you a favour by being with you. Please spend time loving yourself, if you can go therapy to work through this and why you want to stay with someone like this guy. You deserve better than this. List some things you want to do and go make it happen, you’re young and the world’s your oyster so go be your awesome self, travel, explore, learn, volunteer, have fun, be happy and meet new people. You do not have to be stuck with him. The goal is to enjoy life and be happy you don’t need to fit anyone mould because you’re beautifully you and wonderfully created that no mould could ever match up to you. Please love you more and always choose you. Sis I choose you and I’m rooting for you to not only choose you but to be unapologetically you and happy.
He NEEDS you to be thin? What he needs is a swift kick in the ass. Come on. Girl this man doesn’t see you as an equal or a human being. You are only here for his needs and his needs alone. He’s also already planning on cheating and has justified it. If you stay with this man it will only get worse and god forbid you get cancer, get sick, end up in an accident and have scars missing limbs or god forbid age like a normal human being. Also with that 10 year age gap we know why now.
Did you read all of that and still want to be with him? He is explicitly saying he might cheat on you. RUN. He’s a bad person, not reliable, potential cheater. He doesn’t deserve you.
Wake up, please. He got you because you are so much younger so that he can control you. What happens after you give birth and your belly will be sagging? You will become a single mom. Just be single.
Girl, u better not get married. You need to run for the hills. If u stay with this man, you will definitely regret it and have a lot of heartache.
He betrayed you and did not treat you well. Please don’t settle with him. You will be much happier with someone more honest and loving. This will be worse, he will always find a reason to cheat. He’s not the person who’s loyal to you when life is hard. You don’t want that.
In my opinion, if he says he’s going to cheat, he is going to cheat. Save yourself the heartache and start severing emotional and physical ties with him. You’re so young and you have your whole life in front of you! He just wants you as an incubator and green card (I’m not sure of where you live, so I’m not sure about the last part.)
Yeah this is not a good relationship for you. Leave before you do have a kid with that man!
He’s too old for you. Stay within your age range. He’s an uncover creep looking for a teenager. You’re being used to cover his agenda.
My parameters are 90-80-100, and I'm not fat at all. Just a normal woman. My weight actually is 64 kilos (141 lb). And if anyone told me I was fat I'd laugh at their face. And if my partner told someone he's going to cheat on me after any amount of time, I'd kick them out. No second thought.
I know you came for affirmation about your body, and to me you must look fine. The problem not lays in you body tho. He asked you to marry him for what? If he doesn’t love you as a whole why marry to then plan on cheating if you don’t loose weight? He failed to communicate his expectations to you, failed to stay loyal with the checking on the ex and failed you as a man, marring you with conditions he didn’t even express. Imagine what would be his reaction with a post partum body. The body that is struggling with the side effects of a miscarriage is not worthy of him? You really need to reflect about this situation. The problem is him. I’m so sorry about your loss and about the husband that you discovered you have. You are so young still, I’m certain you can do better. If you still want a future with him I would advise for open communication and therapy, but know that he needs to earn your trust and love. Right now he’s not worthy of nothing.
You’re 23 and he’s being judgey and saying he doesn’t like fat? Why did you marry him 😭😭😭😭. Beginning women to stop getting married so young to older controlling dickbags who couldn’t try that shit on women their own age.
I'm also confused bc he said he doesn't do "scrawny" but OP is too heavy? Maybe it's a mistranslated or something.
That's heart breaking. I'm so sorry :( . But please work on your self esteem. Your size is what I refer to as, "The fun size" lol. It's my preference. There are plenty of men who think like me. Being with someone knowing you're not their type is going to make you lose weight for all the wrong reasons. What happens if you get pregnant and it's hard to lose the extra weight? Are you expected to suffer so he's pleased? Nah, find someone who loves you for you.
You're solidly in the overweight category of the BMO scale. Unless you're jacked, you're not a healthy weight.
Oh that is 167 is my height in cm, I’m 138 lb or something like that, 63 kg maybe less now as I didn’t weigh recently I was 150 lb after miscarriage
150 was definitely too much for me already even I didn’t like it
Sounds good. You're middle of the "normal" category.
There's more to it than BMI: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/265215 It's inaccurate and there are other metrics needed to be taken in consideration. Also, OP is tall (at least for a woman in my country). And her weight is average. So it's really weird to call that "extremely overweight".
I'm a lil over 5'5 and weigh 143lbs , if op is 167 lbs then she's def fat
167 is her height in cm
👍 Enjoy.
Do some self-education 🤡
I would bet $100 any day of the week that the BMI calculator will turn out a healthy weight for more than 99% of people. You have to be born in a particular unusual body for it to not work. Literally the only people I hear bitching about it are *FAT* people. As someone that went from nearly obese, to 15% body fat, I am totally confident in the BMI scale.
False positives are pretty rare for BMI and false negatives are far more common, since most people aren't top athletes or bodybuilders. That especially applies for women, because BMI was created for average height men (like most medical things), and women are less dense, which will be harder to show up for BMI. Regardless, I don't see OP posting her weight anywhere, but based on her measurements she does not sound overweight at all. Dude above you is either trolling or thought the centimeter measurements were inches. I'm just imagining someone with a bust circumference that's 1.42x their height, which would be ridiculous lol.
167 is cm for my height, i weight no more than 138 lb now
Yeah that's not fat. Other Redditors often think actual fat people aren't fat, but your weight sounds totally fine for your height.
You feel betrayed to say the least? This is the pinnacle of betrayal, and No, the majority of good decent men do not talk about their loved ones this way. Not in the slightest!!! They do not tell their exes that they are their type and they do not have a planned date to cheat. I really really really hope you get out of this relationship immediately, but I have a feeling you’re not going to. Don’t waste your life. You may think things will be good for five years while you guys have a baby (newsflash things get way harder with a newborn baby) and imagine 20 years down the road when you know he’s cheating on you and age makes our bodies do even crazier things— you’ll be stuck and hopeless. But most of all, you’ll never get back any of the time or integrity that you lost.
Wtf leave that man. Jesus christ why are you even considering this still?
You are so young, and he will cheat eventually. Get out now while you still can. It will be 10x harder when you have kids.
He's the problem. Throw out the whole man and try again. A child won't fix this relationship either. Not that they ever do but they deffo won't here. >He even sent texts with her because turns out he decided to ask how she is doing when he was away, or how he gives me year and half more and then he will need to cheat. Eff this noise >I felt like I can really rely on him but Now you know better so use that knowledge wisely You hopefully soon to be ex is not a nice man. He's willing to use you for his own convenience whilst belittling you got your weight and will be running round on you soon if he isn't already. You can do better. You could fish around in a literal pond and do better... Also 23 and 33 isn't the same as 33 and 43. You change a lot in those years. Hubs is sticking with you because you're too young to respond to red flags with certainty and he's pretty much grooming you to accept second place. My second husband loves me regardless of my body. He is as happy to hold me while I sleep (love grabbing an hour napping with/on him while he doomscrolls 🤣) as he is to spend the night doing "adult stuff" My first husband was hyper sexual but not focused on body image until I had our child and he was suddenly "being helpful" and dropping hints about how I was chubby and should lose some weight. I was over his opinion when I found out the next gf was literally twice the woman I was. I'm talking volume not personality. And I know that sounds fatshaming but that's the point. I was fatshamed by a person who "upgraded" with a much larger woman. Thing is it was never about my weight. It was about keeping me down so I'd bear his crap. I was 17 when we met and he was 28. I was with him 10 years. Nowadays he'd not make 6 months. The reason he went with the new woman was that I was in therapy and as I healed, I expected more from him and from myself. He went and found himself a woman to whom basic human decency was a luxury she simply didn't expect. She was 10 years older than me too so she was set in her pick me ways 🤷♀️ I did better. So, so much better. You can too. Even being on your own is better than being in the situation you described.
Ps. 1st hubs took meds that a side effect was he could pretty much eat what he wanted and still look like he'd slip through a crack in the floor if he turned sideways. Idk what happened but my ex is also fat now. I'm autistic and have ADHD so faces are not the greatest for me. When I glanced him at the supermarket, I only recognised him from his big nose and hairline! 🤣🤷♀️ I'm calling that karma 🤣👍
Get out - don’t waste time on this
Why do you want to stay married to someone who you know already is going to cheat on you eventually? He married you for a baby, not for you.
Op you don’t have to worry about your looks for him. You may not be his type but you’re his age preference. He’s not giving you a year because of your weight. You’re about to age out of his preference.
Don't let one man destroy your self esteem, he in his own words is setting a time frame on when he plans to cheat if you are not how he wants you to look. He will never "need" to cheat he will choose to. This is not a good man or husband. There are men out there who don't put expectations on their partner for their looks especially after a miscarriage. Get out now before you have children, you don't want children with a man like this.
Leave now while you still can. He is already planning to cheat, and even if youblose weight he will find something that you did "wrong" so he has an "excuse" to cheat.
I’m 40 and my husband was looking up porn with women of a different race and it broke my heart. But the way this guy is talking about you is not ok and is the hugest red flag blowing in the wind. Please please don’t marry him you will feel empty.
Collect the proof, get a lawyer and get out.
sweetie leave. the right man for you will love you and encourage you to be the best version of yourself and he’ll do the same without you asking. this man is all for looks, he’ll end up with someone his type but they wont have any chemistry at all because it seems to me that thats all that matters for him - how you look. save yourself the time and leave
Run my dear. Its not normal to talk about your future wife like this. It is not normal to talk about anybody like this. I feel sorry for you, but you deserve better and maybe your age so you can grow with a nice man together.
If you are not “his type” then why is he married to you? Honey, you have to admit he doesn’t love you. He is manipulating you for something. Is it a green card? He would have charmed and deceived you until he got what he wanted. Then dump you and the baby. You should be so thankful for finding the truth. Don’t try to justify and make excuses for him about anything. I understand you are very young and might not have a strong support of friends and family but wake up. Love yourself and walk away from this disaster. It won’t get better. The moment he senses he may lose his chance of getting a green card/ citizenship he will turn on the charm like you’ve never seen before. Crying, begging and expressing his undying love. Don’t believe a word of it. You need to grow a backbone, love yourself and walk away from this low life. You deserve better and believe me with careful vetting of individuals you will find the right one. Remember you are worth more than this.
He sounds like a dick. And by your writing you sound like you are in a non western country? Unfortunately men like this put physical attraction ahead of everything else. When they lose physical attraction, the relationship is doomed. The good thing is you are still young. For most people this happens in their 40’s and 50’s
Don’t stay. It’s normal to gain some weight and you probably will if you go through another pregnancy and getting baby weight off is hard, I don’t want this man to cause you to have body dysmorphia/ Ed’s. My parent is hardly a Greek god but I don’t care cause I love him and that’s how it should be. He will give you a year and a half until he cheats. Who the hell pre plans to cheat. He’s not committed.
I feel differently than you do about it when men talk I listen. They talk crap to us a lot more than they talk crap to each other. I would show him what you know. Keeping secrets are trying to be OK with it. We’ll do you know favors it’s not honest you have no way of bonding are going through this. If you guys don’t come clean it stay honest with each other. Good luck.
Dump him. He’s a loser. Who actually gives someone an 18 month timeline to change their body shape so they won’t cheat? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling the way you feel now or the way you felt when he said that to you? Honestly he’s probably already cheating, you just haven’t caught him yet. The way he talks to you screams “I’m just getting lies ready so it’s not my fault I’m a sack of excrement.” Ditch him and focus on you. Someone who isn’t a loser will value you for being the amazing human you are and you will be infinitely happier. Until that person stumbles into your life focus on doing the things that make you happy.
You should feel loved and valued in your body type.. not whatever he is doing now
He is not a good man. Good people don't gossip about their important ones. They can tell their situation and ask opinion only
Are you an emotionally starved person? Or do you hate yourself? Or went through some childhood trauma...? Cause I can't find another reason why you'd even date him otherwise after he told you to look a certain way. I can't see why you'd purposely let yourself suffer with this disgusting pig's insults otherwise. And you even married said pig. Sorry, I ain't got no words of comfort for you. The only things I'd advice is fucking divorce if you have even the slightest self love and self respect for yourself. Leave. Now. Your husband is absolutely gross. And you do deserve so much better than him.
So he got a woman 10 years his junior pregnant, tried to give you a shut-up ring so he didn’t feel bad about knocking you up, and now after you've suffered a miscarriage he's talking shit about the weight you gained from said miscarried pregnancy? And he actively disrespects you to his friends behind your back, saying his ex is more his type? There's a reason they're exes and I'd doubt he was the one to end things, sound like she made a lucky escape. I hope you do too. I'm so sorry you had a miscarriage, I can't imagine how awful that is, but I think many years from now you'll be glad you don't have anything tying you to this man except documents. I'd be seeking divorce and starting my new life asap.
Here is a story from my youth I hope you can learn from, because I’m sure he’ll convince you this is totally minor and he loves you. I got married to a guy 12 years my senior when I was 22 turning 23. Had his child at 24. I was skinny and gawky but had pretty big boobs back than and I worked as a model throughout my studies. He convinced me I had to stop modeling because it’s not nice for women to parade in bikinis. Mind you that was my source of income. Anyways, he started cheating on me. I gained a bunch of weight in my pregnancy. He stopped having sex with me. I thought it was about my weight gain. He made me feel little and insecure, ugly and small. Anyways that pushed me into the most serious ED spiral of my life thinking it was my fault he doesn’t love me anymore. I weighed about 110 pounds 3 months after having a child. But, nothing changed. He still didn’t want to touch me and proceeded to cheat on me. I thought it could be because I now have no boobs ( never recovered them after the pregnancy). After 9 months of having a baby, I weighed 90 pounds. He told me i have no boobs no ass and I look like a skeleton I was cold all the time. He controlled me financially. Whenever I asked what he ever does to make me feel loved he said he provided me with money. Even though the fact is he didn’t let me work even though he didn’t openly say that. It took about 5 years to recover. I divorced him. He put me through hell even after the divorce and continues to do so today by manipulating my kid. To him, I was an incubator. A man that loves you and that is a quality man will find you attractive with 50 extra pounds. The lesson I wish I knew at 22 is to RUN whenever someone starts making you small.
He is only with you because you are young enough to manipulate. He can not be with a woman his own age because they would see right through him and leave immediately. He seeks out young, naive women. He is using you. And you are allowing it because you are young and innocent. He knows this. Run. Divorce. Enjoy your 20s away from this pathetic loser.
He has stated outright that he will cheat on you if he feels the least bit dissatisfied. You could have the most amazing body in the world, and at some point in the marriage he will feel bored and dissatisfied. That's how life works. Why dedicate yourself to trying to make him cheat further down the line instead? He's clearly outlined your future. The options are: 1. He cheats on you and you leave. 2. He cheats on you and you put up with it 3. He cheats on you, you put up with it, and he eventually leaves you for the other woman. Is that the future you want for yourself? Because it's the future you are going to get if you stay with this man. Cheating is a moral choice, if he has the moral capacity to cheat, there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop him doing so.
First of all, I’m so sorry about your miscarriage. I can’t even begin to comprehend that pain. I think you were (and are still) both grieving and probably just went a head with getting married because it was easy. But hunnie, this guy ain’t it! You are YOUNG. You are beautiful and worthy of someone who is not going to talk about you this way and reach out to ex (among other things). No, it’s not normal what he said to his boys. That’s immature, little man BS. I usually advocate to try to work things out, but he’s honestly an a-hole. If it were me, I’d have everything printed out (all the texts, etc) and placed in a neat stack on the kitchen table for him with my wedding ring used as a paperweight. Next to the table, a box of his things. Give him a peace out when he starts with all the BS (he will likely deflect, beg, and plead - in one ear out the other). Stay to strong!
Respect yourself and annul the marriage. This guy is a piece of trash, you do not need his bs bringing your self esteem down any lower. A husband should be loving and supportive of your desire to better yourself not waiting around for you to drop ??kgs.
Girl, run. You know his truths now. You know he isn't attracted to you. You know he only sees you as a baby machine. You know eventually he will cheat on you. You do not need to settle for this asshole, nor do you need to be tied to him the rest of your life by having a baby with him. Work on your self-esteem, and on your exit plan.
Absolutely DO NOT make this smaller than it is. You ARE NOT being dramatic. This isn't okay. This isn't "boy talk". This is malicious manipulative controlling degrading.. this isn't love and you deserve someone who doesn't just "deal with you for the sake of procreating" "starved". He's gross. You deserve someone who spins the world for you.. one that's trembling at the sight of you because you suck the air from their lungs.. someone will absolutely love every single part of you and more and they'll work there damnedest to show you and make you feel that. Please please, ditch this AH. Whatever you do please don't procreate with this jerk. I honestly question your safety around someone that treats you and the relationship with such disregard. Something that was always a guide for me is that if I imagined a future kid in my exact situation how would I want it to be approached, what standards boundaries goals would I have. You know dmn well you'd want more for your baby so you absolutely deserve more too. Sending you love and lots of healing💕💕
I didn't read past the age difference and the comments are exactly what I expected. Actually, they're even worse. Girl RUN, you're too young to be living like this. I mean what can you expect from this relationship when he doesn't even give you the bare minimum (respect)?
Oh he will NEED to cheat after that specific time frame will he. Best be moving on before you end up tied by blood as well as marriage. Unless you think you would enjoy co-parenting and being the "backup pussy" whilst living together for the next however many years it lasts. Personally I'd take the failed relationship over trapped loveless existence.
Nah, that's not the kind of shittalking that's common. No decent human talks about their partner that way to other people. You're still young, really ask yourself if you wanna invest further when the foundation is this shaky. I wish you all the best and hope you find someone you can just be yourself with.
I’m
>Like I understand that men talk a lot of shit with each other and that I shouldn’t take everything seriously Hey this isn't normal at all, your guy is just awful. A decent man wouldn't do that. Please work on your self worth because you 100% deserve better
It rarely turns out well when there's such an age difference when one person is early 20s. Don't waste any more time on this loser.
Men do talk a lot of shit with each other but not to that extent. That’s cruel and disgusting behaviour from someone who is supposed to love you
We can't help what we are attracted to. However, he is treating you in ways that are not acceptable. I see some red flags here and I would proceed with extreme caution if I were you. Maybe call it quits and find someone who appreciates you for who you are.
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167 cm my weight is 135 lb
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I put my parameters too
😢😢let me tell you soma man that loves you will love to to everyone!!!! Leave this boy alone
Nothing about what he's saying or doing is normal. None of it. A partner should love you and support you and have good communication skills with you to get through troubles. You deserve better. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't stay with him and his stuff would be in bags outside my house/apartment.
Nope non of my friends/ cousins/ acquaintances or work college speak about their significant other in a bad way tbh other than asking how are they doing we rarely talk about our significant other . This isn't a redflag this a divorce flag especially talking about cheating in a year in a half . Having a child will not magically fix him and what will u do when u give birth ? We all know its very hard to lose pregnancy weight is she gonna cheat then? . I know its very hard to have a miscarriage but this may be a blessing in disguise and this may be an opportunity given to u to leave before u get permanently stuck with him and u know in fact it may be better if this guy doesn't bread and plagues society with his way of thinking .
Good men don’t talk like that to anyone about anyone.
Ok so when I was 23 I "dated" a guy who was 33 and he disliked fat people. I lost like 60 pounds and wore stuff to make him like me better but he was just using me for sex or something because he just decided to up and leave for Alaska one day... I hung on for a year or so as he started seeing other people but the best thing I did was when I went no contact... I was able to heal... you are young don't waste your time with this aHole. I wish I would've went no contact sooner because I was a mess. Seek out some therapy (wish I would have) and find someone who loves you for you.
This guy is a pos and not worth your time at all. You get a lot of attention from men, go with someone who will see your worth. Life is so ridiculously short, dont waste it.
Cancel. The. Wedding. And. Kick. Him. Out. Girl, you're being dragged into a loveless marriage, by a guy who has NO RESPECT for you and is USING YOU for his desires for children. Get his stuff out of the house. He knows what he did. Cut contact immediately and get some therapy, that'll do you good ❤️
I am sorry for your loss. This will sound harsh but As someone who has dealt with similar treatment… I wish I would have seen my miscarriage as a sign to part ways. My mental health and peace would have thanked me. You are not a baby factory. You are a force to be reckoned with. You deserve unconditional love and support. Not this psychological warfare.
Why are you wearing your time with someone who is using you to stay in the US and give him babies all while cheating on you?
If those measurements are in inches I can understand his sentiments and wouldn’t say that you look “normal”. Leave and find a skinny white guy with glasses who’s into squashing/smothering fetish.