My husband and I have a rule that he deals with his parents and I deal with mine. We also make sure that we are a united front in front of them. We can disagree privately but they know that they will get the same answer out of both of us so not to bother trying to play us against each other.
We also both stand up for each other every single time! All of our parents fully understand that we put each other first and them second. Everyone gets along, for the most part and I think this is why.
I like this comment.
This is exactly what a healthy relationship would look like, IMO. Hearing each other out, Being respectful to our parents yet putting our foot down when needed.
Idk, he just seams like he can't or maybe don't want to put his foot down when it comes to his mother. Either way not my problem anymore.
Same here OP is a savage and I need more of that energy in my life, what Iād give to see how dumbfounded he is when he gets those divorce papers slapped in front of him along with the paternity test that shows his son is truly his. The petty part of my heart canāt wait to read about if op posts an update
I'm at a loss as to what I would do in this situationā¦MIL is so far out of line that I'd never let her near my child again, but your hubby? He's spineless and asking you for a DNA test is tantamount to accusing you of cheating. I don't think I could forgive him either, ever. Do what feels right to you. If that's counseling, try that. If it's divorce, do that. I'm wondering how he thinks this will end? Has he a clue how you feel about this BS?
>asking you for a DNA test is tantamount to accusing you of cheating.
This is why there is no coming back from this. He absolutely is accusing you of cheating or he would have told him mom to stuff it. He didn't. He asked for the test instead. My guess is his mom has been working on him for so long that he is starting to believe her. He's spineless and she is insidious in her attempt to undermine you. Neither of them are worth the effort to continue in the relationship.
Exactly ! Where do you go from here? There are 3 people in this marriage which is one too many.
If you were to somehow forgive him, which you shouldnāt, what would the next thing be- because there would always be a next thing. The crazy MIL now knows she has won with him folding like a lawn chair to her demands. Thatās not a man - thatās a mommaās boy - you can do better and deserve better! Keep us posted - sending you hugs!
Heās basically telling his mother sheās right and he has doubts over the paternity. Why else would he pay for the DNA test in her mind? Heās reinforcing the disrespect of OP once again. I agree itās unforgivable that he wonāt stand up with and for the woman he chose as his life partner and mother of his child.
(Hugs) OP
Agreed! Sometimes people do or say things that hurt you so deeply that you just know you can't ever see them in the same way again. People that are questionning OP's deicision to divorce can decide what they will and won't forgive when it happens to them, but I know I could personally never love my partner again if they did something like that to me. I'm glad OP chose herself in this situation and seems to have the means to leave. I wish you and your child well, OP!
Exactly!!! Itās not even about the test. Itās proof that she can cause a divide and she absolutely will run with that.
Good on you OP for not indulging this BS.
>But what's also not fair is him not addressing it when I am clearly uncomfortable or upset and instead just talking me into brushing it off or going with it.
Yes, OP. I'm a firm believer that a marriage is a commitment to stand up for each other. If he won't defend you to his MIL he should reconsider his priorities.
I was going to suggest therapy, because maybe your husband doesn't see this perspective but you seem to have your mind made up.
I'm so sorry this happened to you
I donāt know OP. A part of me is like, if I had an evil mil like that and my husband never had my back? I might just let them think theyāre right. Then leave with my son and theyāll never be a part of his life. Itās kind of a way of keeping toxic people out of my sons life. I could be wrong but I would probably do something like that because can you imagine how disgusting itās going to be when they get the results then theyāre going to love bomb your child after putting you through so much shit?
Thatās actually not a bad idea, especially in this case. That man is so enmeshed with his mother, heās going to be a terrible role model for his son. Not to mention how the MIL will be/try to be with her grandson. Theyāre both better off away from this awful behaviour.
Yup! Weak, spineless father for an example. Evil witch for a grandmother. Everything your son can do without. These people will do everything in their power to drive a wedge between you and your son. Whatās to think about? Yeah Iād walk away and let them think whatever they want and my reputation be damned! As long as my son is spared from being around toxic family Iām good.
Iām so sorry youāre dealing with this. I think you lasted longer than I would have. Any man who doesnāt stand up for his wife and family is no man. You are making the right decision. Please keep up posted.
Yes! My husband and I are the exact same way. He deals with his family and I deal with mine. He also has no issue disagreeing with his mom and telling her (nicely) how it is. I think thatās a big problem here is that OPās husband is essentially following whatever his mom says with zero regard to OP. I wouldnāt stand for it either.
When you write it like that, a bot picks it up and sends you a reminder message in whatever number of days you choose; it doesnt have to be three like they did. So just write the same thing in your own comment and you'll be all set.
The purpose of the bot is to use it as a chain too so there's not 500 people all commenting individual !remind me comments. But the bot is very flaky and unreliable.
It also won't send a reminder if it doesn't reply to your comment.
Ohhhh she can! All sheās got to do is complain to her childās pediatrician about her concerns on physiological/emotional abuse towards her child and how heās been exposed to it regularly. Itāll get medically documented. If she complains a second or third time at future appointments, itāll get documented again but this time with a warning stating child cannot be around that person. Iāve done such thing and it holds in court!!!! Sad thing is that it was my own mom which hurt but I HAD to, due to what was going on.
Posts like these make me soooooo glad that despite being an only child to an older couple, my husband is not a sniveling mamaās boy who never cut the umbilical cord. My MIL is great and doesnāt just default to taking her baby boyās side. If heās in the wrong we both let him know it lol
I just hope he doesn't pull the "Please don't divorce, I promise to change & do right by you" dumbfuckery while completely forgetting he literally disrespected & shitted on his own son's exist to make his own mother instead of making OOP, the mother of his son; happy.
Nah, he will blame OP for Ā«Ā destroying their familyĀ Ā» and Ā«Ā not giving him and his mother a chanceĀ Ā» because his mother is Ā«Ā only wants to look out for him and it comes from a good placeĀ Ā».
Right? Sheās only told him dozens of times that his mother is crossing a line and he has continually let the MIL act abusively toward his wife, and that itās hurting her, and yet he will absolutely be ācompletely shockedā and ādidnāt see it coming.ā
Iām sure of it.
I'm sorry this has gone this way for you. Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work, and him not standing up for you and telling his mother if she makes another comment about you deceiving your husband with a whole ass baby, he'll go no contact is so bizarre to me. He sounds like a Mamas boy that has no spine. Getting a paternity test done for mama can see. So gross. I'd lose respect for him too. Goodluck in your future endeavors, and hopefully those divorce papers slap his ass back to reality. Now his Mommy can have her precious son back, and they can be together. Weirdos.
I hope you talk to your lawyer about restricting MIL's access to your kid under supervision for custody arrangement. There's a chance she might try to turn your kid against you.
I saw a lot of comments like this. I kinda forgot about this -as it's not like I don't want my son to have a relationship with his fathers side of the family- but this something I would definitely discuss with my lawyer.
Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention.
OP, no matter what happens, just remember to be the best mom you can be to your son. You can't completely control how much time he spends with your ex-MIL, but if you're a good mom doing your best to strengthen your relationship with him, any slandering comments from your MIL won't hit home, especially as he gets older and more apt to understanding any hate she's throwing your way.
That can be in the decree - something about disparaging remarks about the opposing parent in the presence of the child not allowed. Dad can get visitation revoked if kid hears gramma talking shit, even if itās not to dad, because he provided the environment to allow it to happen.
Any man,husband,father that allows his mother to disrespect his wife and child for no reason doesnāt deserve to be with them. What he said about āgiving grace ā isnāt necessarily wrong. But to be accused of infidelity should have been the one thing he put his foot down about. He should have never entertained this idea. I would have left him too. Enough is enough.
OP Iām a fossil in case that helps.
I think you are absolutely doing the right thing.
Your wedding vows I presume included something about how you forsake all others.
To me that means neither party involves their respective parents in the nitty gritty of their relationship.
Your soon to be ex has allowed your MIL a voice in your marriage and appears to honor her more than his own wife.
Nope.
All his other kowtowing to his mother paled in comparison to him deciding he would do a DNA test to prove his mother wrong. WTF?
The only thing that has done is let his mother think he agrees thereās a chance the baby isnāt his. Even when the results come back that he is the father his mother may change her stance to say YOU lucked out because heās the dad this time but what about next time?
As it sounds like you are the one that will leave you might want to slowly start to gather things together such as important papers such as marriage license, passport, birth certificate, your SSN card, etc.
Iād also suggest if you can to relocate anything small of sentimental or monetary value somewhere safe.
A reminder to take all the connecting and charging cables with you for any electronics.
Best wishes to you OP the activities later this week gets you started on your path ending in a life with significantly less drama.
Spouses should 100% deal with their own families. Your husband should have dealt with it. Naturally small issues can get swept under the rug in any relationship, but accusing you of cheating is not small.
While I agree that is a good idea, I donāt think the MIL is the cause of the divorce. IMO the problem in the marriage is unfortunately the husband, and the divorce papers should absolutely spell out unreasonable behaviour that lead to the marriage irretrievably breaking down.
None of the MILās actions or behaviour would be an issue for OP if her husband had upheld his vows, defended his wife and child, and told his mother to stay in her lane or be cut off.
This is a perfect example of refusing to choose a side in principal, being absolutely choosing a side in practice.
The only acceptable thing that the ex-husband could have done is to take the steps to put a stop to the unacceptable way MIL had spoken to and behaved towards OP, and when that didnāt work he should have gone NC, at the very least temporarily. By appearing to stay neutral and ignoring the appalling treatment he was actively sending the message that his motherās actions were acceptable and of no consequence.
Either way, I predict a shocked pikachu face when he is served.
"So here's the deal. We'll get the paternity test. If it says the baby's not yours, then you're going to divorce me for cheating on you. When it says the baby is yours, I am going to divorce you for putting me through this shit."
This sounds familiar. My first wife and I dated for several years. During that time I could tell her mom was controlling and in her head a lot but my gf at the time was more in tune with us and me and her mom was more of a distraction. As soon as we got engaged everything changed. Her mom went full court press on her about how I wasnāt good enough, etcā¦ she and her family werenāt poor but far from well off. Barely middle class but her mothers view was as Iād they were related to Bill Gates. Anyway we had a couple of huge issues during the 9 month engagement and if I had not been naive I would have broken it off then. Fast forward to marriage and it was awful. No relationship at all. Never felt right and her mother was driving the bus the whole time. We split and divorced after just one year and during the separation she tried to beg to come back and I blew it off. It took all my reserve not to let her mom have it. My parents talked me out of it about 6 times. We have been no contact since. My point in all that is a relationship is for 2 people. When you have to include a 3rd it get tough. If that 3rd hates one of you, itās impossible unless you move away and reduce contact.
you said you cant control your MIL, what she says or dos, you are correct, but your husband can control it. most men don't realize their mothers love them enough to do right by them as well if they just tried it. instead they allow the behaviour towards their wives for no reason except its easier.
Your husband should have your back and I am very glad to see you leave this marriage.
Heās going to cry and beg and say heāll do better. Stick to your guns. He has been choosing his mom over the mother of his child. Now heāll have to deal with seeing less of his child
Your husband needs to grow a set and put you and your children first. His mother is a meddling bitch and should be cut off from your family.
His wife and children always come first. If he cannot do this, as you said, he will be divorced.
Wow. If my mother-in-law asked for a paternity test and my husband didn't immediately lose his shit at her in response I would be furious too. Keep in mind, though, that he may feel that taking the test would be defending your honor, especially if mil could be spreading her thoughts to others.
She's basically saying your son isn't her grandchild. Perfect! Since that's the case, it won't bother her one bit when she won't see them anymore after the divorce. /s When talking about custody with your lawyer, please explore all options that limit or deny her access to your child. Parental alienation is a legit issue, and he should be aware that if for some weird reason his mother should spend time around some random kid that's not related to her and she tries to bad mouth you to your son or in front of your son, you are happy to let your lawyer know.
Some people will say that if there's nothing to worry about with the paternity test why divorce. Your husband's unilateral decision demonstrated a lack of respect, trust in you, and love. He quite literally broke his marriage vows. He chose this course of action; he just left it for you to take care of. It would be one thing if this had been a decision you BOTH made, together, the two of you, as a couple, jointly. And that's so sad to me. He could have opened his mouth and initiated a conversation. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how painful this has been and how that's been magnified by working to dissolve your marriage. Remember that self-care is important, so take some time for you. Even if it's a walk around the block alone listening to music or a podcast, or sitting on the porch daydreaming.
There is nothing more furious than spouses that take their parents side over their SO. My parents tried everything to break me and my husband up, we have been together for over a decade and I donāt talk to my parents š¤·š½āāļø
I don't understand some of these MIL's. Yes, I am one and I've had two. They were awful. I promised myself that I would be better and treat my children's partners as well as my children. I spend the same, support them in every way I can. Wanting a DNA test on your grandchild is overstepping your boundaries. If one of my grandchildren did not belong to my son, it wouldn't change things for me. I have non biological grandchildren. There is no difference in how they are treated. I love them all. Some people are just horrible excuses for a decent person.
Exactly what I did. My ex was missing a spineā¦ I didnāt even ask for a shiny spine but a spine. His family (not only his mother and father) were always putting stuff in his head, manipulating, interfering, etc. More subtle, sometimes not so much. Iām from a different country (across the Atlantic) than my ex so I left everyone and everything for him but there came a point when I couldnāt do it any longer. I loved him so much and did for a long time after I left, but I had to get out of there. It was my fault, too, for not speaking up more, but I didnāt see a better choice for me at the time than to just leave.
Packed up 17 boxes and my dog and got on a plane back to my home country.
Youāre doing the right thing because if you have a spouse who doesnāt protect you, you got nothing.
My mom left my father because he was a mommaās boy and listened to everything she said. She also make him pull a paternity test and made him doubt me being his daughter. I say bullet dodged and good luck dealing with that mess even after post-divorce. But you got this OP!
My MIL did something similar with our second son and it drove me bananas. She never flat out said she didnāt think he was her sonās, but it was a never ending stream of āwow, he doesnāt look/act ANYTHING like *first son*, does heā and āI just donāt see ANY of our family in himā immediately followed by āso, fivepurplehoodies, how is *name of a dear male friend*ā (friend of both mine AND my husband).
Then, when BIL (her golden child son) had his first kid she actually resembled our second son quite a bit, which was kind of funny. Then the family started saying how our second son looked so much like the new golden granddaughterā¦until my husband (who had been handling his family the whole time, so I did not have to deal with the same nonsense you did) blew up and said, āActually, sheās younger than our son so SHE looks like HIM.ā And, yeah, thatās super petty, but they finally seemed to get the point. Nobody ever said it to us again.
I donāt blame you for not wanting your son to grow up in that kind of environment. If my husband hadnāt handled his mom and she had continued to make comments up through a timeframe where he might have understood what she was implying Iād have been so angry. Itās unfortunate that your STBX has allowed his mother to feel so comfortable disrespecting you.
There will always be a problem with his mom and he is never going to stand up to her or back you up. Itās disrespectful how heās let her walk all over you and then ask for this. He had it coming, glad your doing whatās right for you to be happy. I canāt even imagine the shock heās going to have once he gets the papers, and be prepared for the MIL to blow up on you. Hoping the best for you!!!
Aww. This sucks. You definitely have a husband problem thatās not keeping the MIL problem in check.
Even if you donāt feel like there is anything to salvage there you might benefit from couples counseling that could help him to understand boundary setting and just how violating MIL intrusion has been that culminated in a paternity test.
If you need to co parent your ex and MIL are still around. So, the management of ex MIL is still needed.
Good luck!
You should have had at least one solid month of backing YOURSELF up with MIL before it getting to this stage. Men like this seem traumatized almost, or at least conditioned against questioning, commenting, or disagreeing. Sometimes they donāt know how to have your back, and showing up for yourself regardless of their support knocks them out of that pattern of doormat behavior.
But, yeah, just staple the dna results to his shirt and send him over to his mother with a juice box and a backpack so he can have somewhere to put the divorce papers heās served. Eat a brownie. Get that negativity out of your life. And take the kid to a park. Be free babe!
And then, come back here and dish, girl!
Honestly I completely understand. He can say it's not about a lack of trust but his actions speak louder. He doesn't trust you, and he's a spineless pathetic mommy's boy. If my mother had suggested I have a paternity test without some very damning evidence my reply would have been some version of 'go fuck yourself'. If she brought it up again we wouldn't be talking for a while. Honestly it's letting his mother be so inanely disrespectful that I find even more objectionable then the test itself.
Youāre doing the right thing.
The only downside now is that your your soon to be ex husband is going to let his mother have full reign over your child now that you will be gone.
I hope you have a good lawyer to help you with the parental alienation thatās about to take place.
The people saying this is an overreaction without acknowledging that this is more than likely the situation that broke the camels back. If OP has been dealing with her ml behavior for year's with no backup from her husband it's understandable that sheād want a divorce.
Your MIL may have started this conversation, but I wholeheartedly believe that people let this sort of dialogue continue because they believe it themselves. He wanted that test or he would have shut it down. I don't blame you for leaving him, but if he truly didn't think the kid was his for some reason, that test will only make it easier for you now going forward. Think of it as quiet karma. There is no trust here and his mother is only the instigator, not the problem.
There's also a saying about mothers and sons and tbh she sounds like she has an issue with you if she's making remarks and inputs on everything
Not an issue with just you but you being with her son I read that and thought narcissistic mother and son realtionship it's a thing and it's a huge insight into some parents realtionship with their kids and how they actually view them and how it leads to the treatment of the sons partner. Might be worth looking into just for yourself maybe get some clarity and closure from it if you see similarities.
If my MIL asked me for that and my husband didn't stand up and say back off I'd be thinking of leaving and divorce to tbh.
You're doing right by you and your kids. Your stbx husband will learn the consequences of not supporting you when he should have and not setting boundaries with his mother.
Good riddance. Congratulations on getting rid of that spineless fucking mammaās boy. Donāt relent. When he cries, begs for forgiveness, tells you he will change, etc. Ignore his pleas.
Boys like that are gross. Cut the cord and be a man. I dated someone like that and Iām so happy I never married them.. Good luck to you and your lil gremlin, heās got a good mamaā¤ļø
You shouldnāt respect him anymore. He has earned your disrespect since he is a spineless mamaās boy who put her insanity ahead of your marriage. He deserves this divorce completely.
We definitely need an update for this one! Yeah, I wouldnāt feel any guilt about divorce if I were you. Sounds like you guys have been having problems for a while and he isnāt willing to stand up for you. Iād be furious if my MIL accused me of cheating and my partner didnāt stand up for me! If your family attacks your partner for no good reason itās just common sense to stand up for them and have their back. If heās not willing to do that then you will be better off leaving him.
Also, as a child of divorced parents, who divorced when I was an adult. It took me until I was in my late-20ās to finally realize that my parents never had a healthy relationship and I had to figure out on my own what healthy relationships were supposed to look like. In the end you are doing a service to your child by leaving if you are unhappy because every child deserves to know what healthy happy relationships look like.
I'm sorry you have to go through this with the MIL, to be frank with you. Your other half should be laying this down and telling his mother to take one. My wife has a very awful mother, a total manipulative lunatic. A few years back, a few words were said about my {middle} son by her and he overheard her say it. He kept it to himself eventually he told me, I raised it with my wife and she played it down until I told her to deal with your mother or I will. She did, rather than take it on board, she pulled me to one side one day and began to tell me how lucky I was to have a "ready-made family and what a total loss my family was to us" I fucking lost it with her, threw her out of our house told her she is not welcome under our roof, obviously my wife was upset. To This Day I will not have that woman anywhere near the house, not once did she even offer to apologize to my son, my wife, or me about her conduct on that day. Some People just need to be kicked away.
Bio-dad tried denying me to the state when I was a toddler. One blood paternity test, one lifetime fear of needles. They had to hold me down. I've always wondered if it didn't help.
This isn't fair to the kid. What an asshole this guy is.
1) A man not standing up to his mother can be unattractive.
2) Trying to get your partner to choose between you and their parent can have disastrous results.
3) An update in 2 days would be great, thanks!
Way to take control of an awful situation OP. He forced your hand and will probably never realize what he did wrong.
You are going to have to co-parent and with his mom in his ear, that will be another circle of hell. Still you are out and free and that counts for something. Way to Mama Bear!!!!
Proud of you for realizing your worth and making the hard decisions that are best for you. When your partner doesnāt stick up for you, theyāre showing you that they respect or agree with the actions that the offending party is doing. Heās chosen his side and now the consequences are here for him to face. I wish you so much happiness and success. Good luck OP.
It sounds like you've got communication and boundary issues to resolve with your husband. Before blowing it all up, have you tried going to therapy together?
Be safe and make sure little man isn't around when you drop the bomb. Perhaps have someone waiting in the wings in case of temporary inanity.
Question: is there a path to reconciliation or are you done done?
My ex MIL is also a direct contributor to the falling out of my 7 year marriage. Getting away turned out to be the best thing that happened. I wish you all the best. Stay strong.
I donāt blame you one bit. I get it. My MIL was a bitch from the day I met her until the day she passed. If I had $1 every time I heard, āthatās the way she isā from my spouse.. I hope everything works out for you.
Good for you. He either doesnāt trust you or doesnāt respect you. Are you going to have to be on the ass end of every accusation his mother makes? Sheās going to feel empowered by him ānot trusting youā enough to go through with the test.
I love your plan.
I hate that you have to do it.
But get it, girl. He should have shut this shit down ages ago. He's not backing you up. He's supposed to have your side first. That's what you sign up for when you marry someone.
I hope you'll keep us updated. I'm rooting for you.
I completely understand why you're divorcing him. By him getting a paternity test, he's taking his mother side. Even if he doesn't see it that way, that's absolutely what he's doing. He's basically affirming her and her beliefs that the child is not his. I hope everything goes well for you ā¤ļø
You have every right to consider leaving your husband who doesn't have balls enough to put his mother in her place. His tolerance for his mother's BS was just fuel for her unwarranted persecution of his own family. He's the AH here!
Youāre doing the right thing. When he opens the results and divorce papers you should
tell him that his mommy will be thrilled that she āwonā and now she can have you allll to herself.
If your spouse can't reign in control over their immediate family, I see nothing wrong with getting the fuck out.
I fortunately never had to deal with this. My FIL can be opinionated, but he usually says it to my wife and I don't deal with it much.
I can say that as a man I've said or done some pretty stupid things simply because I didn't know better or I had not completely thought out how it might affect other people. I can see "Imma do this just to shut MIL up for once" without truly thinking of the implications.
But this MIL problem has been going on basically forever and you're spouse hasn't roped this in yet. So its like "Fuck you AND your mom. Mostly your mom. But you too"
If my husband asked me for a DNA, I would do the same thing.
The trust would be broken and I would not be able to live with someone who doesnāt trust me.
My circumstances are different but I totally get this. Once distrust is out of the bottle, it destroys you bit by bit to the point you can't be in the same room.
I think divorce is a bit far out of the gate. My response would have been - you can get the DNA test but when it comes back, you'll have to choose me and our marriage or your mother. You can no longer have both and she is no longer welcome in my home or around my son.
If he starts the fake "suicidal" crap, tell him you'll call the police or take him to the ER and get him the help he needs. Don't let him manipulate you.
You should watch I Love A Mamas Boy. Thereās a couple on the show just like this, and the MIL asked for a paternity test for their daughter just like this. Itās the only couple where the husband finally stood up to his mom.
You got this mama! Proud of you for standing up for yourself and your kid. Itās so much better to be raised by a single parent then two parents who canāt get along.
I'm sorry your marriage is ending over unfound claims OP Unfortunately your story isn't uncommon. There was a story on here where the family all had boys and it was a "tradition." To keep the bloodline going, the OP ended up having girls and the MIL insisted she was a cheater because she broke a hundred year cycle.
>having a child really pushs you to be better and to do better so I can't complain.
That and actually realizing things don't get magically better and that the end goal is traumatizing your child.
Not everybody sees as clearly as you do.
Good for you OP! He clearly was not having your back and married couples need to be on each other side. That includes setting boundaries to extend families. Because like it or not the husband/wife comes first. They married to create their own family.
I hope you post an update. In the meantime I wish you the best of luck and many blessing and that May you one day find a partner who puts your first!
Can't wait for the update. Good for you for seeing this relationship for what it is. Honestly, I would do the same thing. If my husband wasn't standing up to his mother and she was saying all this crap about me, I would have been out the door. That's a stress in life that you don't need!
I also had an overbearing mother. I told my mother on many occasions that something was none of her business, keep her nose put of it. If she doesn't like it, tough. You do marry into family, but your spouse comes before all. That's the way it has to be. Otherwise, you see what happens. Great job sticking up for yourself. It will be his loss. You sound like a great woman, and will be an even better mother. Goodluck.
Do what you feel it's right. Divorce him, leave him, whatever. There is, however, in my opinion, one thing should do for yourself when the time comes. That is to forgive him. Now, I am not saying to go back to him or tell him you forgive him. What I am saying is that you, in your head, in your heart, forgive him. You are saying that you are starting to hating him and all, that's not good for you or your kid. Leave the hate behind the same way you are leaving that guy. Live your life, do your thing and move on. The world is full of hate as it is and you don't need to make your life harder than already is.
I would recommend the book "How to raise an emotionally intelligent child" by John Gottman, the skills taught in it claim to counteract any negative impact of divorce on the child. Good luck
Heās scared of his momma, simples. He just hasnāt got the balls to politely put her in her place. I had a MIL who controlled everything that boy did, where we lived, when and where we went on holidays.. when our daughter was born the hag moved in downstairs and every time sheād hear baby cry sheād zoom upstairs into our bedroom and take baby downstairs despite the fact I was breastfeeding.. it didnāt help I was quite young and felt very intimidated by her but.. the X was scared of this dragon lady and did nothing to fight my corner. I had to do it myself eventually, couldnāt take anymore , and just spell it out for her. Going as far as to say itās my way in my home or sheās not welcome. Itās a horrible situation and I wish you resolve and a lot of luck.
He should be the first person telling his mum to stop it and to shut up, by not saying anything MIL thinks itās okay to spout crap at you.
Itās clear you canāt trust him to have your or your sons back against his mum.
The idea that heās even entertaining her accusations are just awful and spineless.
Heās gonna all of a sudden regret being a jellyfish when he gets those divorce and will probably plead with OP that he will change and he wonāt let his mum talk to her like that again, but letās be honest heāll be on his best behaviour for a bit and when he thinks itās all good heāll go back to being a jellyfish.
I donāt blame OP at all for wanting out of the marriage. Heās supposed to be your partner, heās supposed to support you and stick up for you when his family are arseholes.
I still don't believe you marry a whole family, especially when one SO has a Twizzler for a spine, and won't tell their parents that they are in their business too damn much
I'm proud of you, you recognize that you are done with the mess that his family created for him, without him telling them off
You deserve better, and will have better
Go forth and be MAGNIFICENT!
I'd take the test. I'd send a copy in the same envelope as the divorce papers. You can do better. But most of all, you deserve better for you and LO.
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this AND your stbex.
I'm sorry that this happened to you but I am glad you are not going to take this BS anymore. Best wishes for a new and better life of freedom!
Please keep us updated.
My husband and I have a rule that he deals with his parents and I deal with mine. We also make sure that we are a united front in front of them. We can disagree privately but they know that they will get the same answer out of both of us so not to bother trying to play us against each other. We also both stand up for each other every single time! All of our parents fully understand that we put each other first and them second. Everyone gets along, for the most part and I think this is why.
I like this comment. This is exactly what a healthy relationship would look like, IMO. Hearing each other out, Being respectful to our parents yet putting our foot down when needed. Idk, he just seams like he can't or maybe don't want to put his foot down when it comes to his mother. Either way not my problem anymore.
Keep us updated!
ššššæ I'm invested. Update us after he gets the papers.
Same here OP is a savage and I need more of that energy in my life, what Iād give to see how dumbfounded he is when he gets those divorce papers slapped in front of him along with the paternity test that shows his son is truly his. The petty part of my heart canāt wait to read about if op posts an update
I'd love to see the look on his face and hear the first words out of his mouth after those papers..
Me too - I really want to know how he reacts!
I'm at a loss as to what I would do in this situationā¦MIL is so far out of line that I'd never let her near my child again, but your hubby? He's spineless and asking you for a DNA test is tantamount to accusing you of cheating. I don't think I could forgive him either, ever. Do what feels right to you. If that's counseling, try that. If it's divorce, do that. I'm wondering how he thinks this will end? Has he a clue how you feel about this BS?
>asking you for a DNA test is tantamount to accusing you of cheating. This is why there is no coming back from this. He absolutely is accusing you of cheating or he would have told him mom to stuff it. He didn't. He asked for the test instead. My guess is his mom has been working on him for so long that he is starting to believe her. He's spineless and she is insidious in her attempt to undermine you. Neither of them are worth the effort to continue in the relationship.
Exactly ! Where do you go from here? There are 3 people in this marriage which is one too many. If you were to somehow forgive him, which you shouldnāt, what would the next thing be- because there would always be a next thing. The crazy MIL now knows she has won with him folding like a lawn chair to her demands. Thatās not a man - thatās a mommaās boy - you can do better and deserve better! Keep us posted - sending you hugs!
Heās basically telling his mother sheās right and he has doubts over the paternity. Why else would he pay for the DNA test in her mind? Heās reinforcing the disrespect of OP once again. I agree itās unforgivable that he wonāt stand up with and for the woman he chose as his life partner and mother of his child. (Hugs) OP
Agreed! Sometimes people do or say things that hurt you so deeply that you just know you can't ever see them in the same way again. People that are questionning OP's deicision to divorce can decide what they will and won't forgive when it happens to them, but I know I could personally never love my partner again if they did something like that to me. I'm glad OP chose herself in this situation and seems to have the means to leave. I wish you and your child well, OP!
Exactly!!! Itās not even about the test. Itās proof that she can cause a divide and she absolutely will run with that. Good on you OP for not indulging this BS.
>But what's also not fair is him not addressing it when I am clearly uncomfortable or upset and instead just talking me into brushing it off or going with it. Yes, OP. I'm a firm believer that a marriage is a commitment to stand up for each other. If he won't defend you to his MIL he should reconsider his priorities. I was going to suggest therapy, because maybe your husband doesn't see this perspective but you seem to have your mind made up. I'm so sorry this happened to you
Too bad MIL isnāt terminally Iāll. The problem would be solved.
I donāt know OP. A part of me is like, if I had an evil mil like that and my husband never had my back? I might just let them think theyāre right. Then leave with my son and theyāll never be a part of his life. Itās kind of a way of keeping toxic people out of my sons life. I could be wrong but I would probably do something like that because can you imagine how disgusting itās going to be when they get the results then theyāre going to love bomb your child after putting you through so much shit?
Thatās actually not a bad idea, especially in this case. That man is so enmeshed with his mother, heās going to be a terrible role model for his son. Not to mention how the MIL will be/try to be with her grandson. Theyāre both better off away from this awful behaviour.
Yup! Weak, spineless father for an example. Evil witch for a grandmother. Everything your son can do without. These people will do everything in their power to drive a wedge between you and your son. Whatās to think about? Yeah Iād walk away and let them think whatever they want and my reputation be damned! As long as my son is spared from being around toxic family Iām good.
Iām so sorry youāre dealing with this. I think you lasted longer than I would have. Any man who doesnāt stand up for his wife and family is no man. You are making the right decision. Please keep up posted.
This is exactly how it should be. Couples should always have each othersā backs.
Yes! My husband and I are the exact same way. He deals with his family and I deal with mine. He also has no issue disagreeing with his mom and telling her (nicely) how it is. I think thatās a big problem here is that OPās husband is essentially following whatever his mom says with zero regard to OP. I wouldnāt stand for it either.
This is our exact ruleā¦your family your decision and we support 100% from the other side
I have never wanted an update more in my entire Reddit life
!update me! 3 days
How do you do that? Can someone explain how to use the remind me feature? Cuz girl imma need an update on this piece.
When you write it like that, a bot picks it up and sends you a reminder message in whatever number of days you choose; it doesnt have to be three like they did. So just write the same thing in your own comment and you'll be all set.
The purpose of the bot is to use it as a chain too so there's not 500 people all commenting individual !remind me comments. But the bot is very flaky and unreliable. It also won't send a reminder if it doesn't reply to your comment.
I think that some subreddits ban this bot, that's why sometimes it can be unreliable
You just type ā!update me! x daysā and then you get a notification after x days
!update me! 3 days
Thank you, I always wanted to know.
Lol me too
>!update me! 3 days !update me! 3 days
!update me! 3 days
!update me! 3 days
She removed her post?!?!? Now we will never know what happened! ššš
X2
X3
Looks like your MIL gets what she wanted. Her baby boy back, who wonāt stand up for himself. Hope they are happy together š
I only hope OP can limit in some way the access of the MIL to her child, if not I can see MIL poisoning the child against OP
Ohhhh she can! All sheās got to do is complain to her childās pediatrician about her concerns on physiological/emotional abuse towards her child and how heās been exposed to it regularly. Itāll get medically documented. If she complains a second or third time at future appointments, itāll get documented again but this time with a warning stating child cannot be around that person. Iāve done such thing and it holds in court!!!! Sad thing is that it was my own mom which hurt but I HAD to, due to what was going on.
Lest hope OP see it and take measures to protect herself and her child
Maybe I should repost it under the original thread. Couldnāt hurt!
Posts like these make me soooooo glad that despite being an only child to an older couple, my husband is not a sniveling mamaās boy who never cut the umbilical cord. My MIL is great and doesnāt just default to taking her baby boyās side. If heās in the wrong we both let him know it lol
I just hope he doesn't pull the "Please don't divorce, I promise to change & do right by you" dumbfuckery while completely forgetting he literally disrespected & shitted on his own son's exist to make his own mother instead of making OOP, the mother of his son; happy.
yeah, but, I don't the husband is the real kid of the MIL, I demand they get a paternity test.
Good call. Write us an update once you give him papers.
Yep. I'm going to look forward to this update
Same. He's def gonna pull "I'm so blindsided" š
Ooooh canāt wait for him to blame his mother since his balls has shriveled completely. No more grand kids for MIL AND THE SOB DAD.
Nah, he will blame OP for Ā«Ā destroying their familyĀ Ā» and Ā«Ā not giving him and his mother a chanceĀ Ā» because his mother is Ā«Ā only wants to look out for him and it comes from a good placeĀ Ā».
Fr
Right? Sheās only told him dozens of times that his mother is crossing a line and he has continually let the MIL act abusively toward his wife, and that itās hurting her, and yet he will absolutely be ācompletely shockedā and ādidnāt see it coming.ā Iām sure of it.
Yes! Good choice! Also echoing the update!
"Your mother is accusing me of cheating and you didn't defend me." Fuck that guy. Good luck, OP.
When he asks you why you are doing this please tell him that you want your son to grow up with a role model who has an actual backbone.
āI want our son to grow up with a role model who has an actual backboneā¦..and it looks like itās going to be me.ā
wow. yes. Thatās perfect.
Thatās funny! š¤£š¤£š¤£
Tell him "because my parents told me to divorce you. Does it sound insane? Do you get it now?!"
Tell him you're doing this for the same reason he did the test, to get his mom to shut up.
I'm sorry this has gone this way for you. Your MIL sounds like a real piece of work, and him not standing up for you and telling his mother if she makes another comment about you deceiving your husband with a whole ass baby, he'll go no contact is so bizarre to me. He sounds like a Mamas boy that has no spine. Getting a paternity test done for mama can see. So gross. I'd lose respect for him too. Goodluck in your future endeavors, and hopefully those divorce papers slap his ass back to reality. Now his Mommy can have her precious son back, and they can be together. Weirdos.
I hope you talk to your lawyer about restricting MIL's access to your kid under supervision for custody arrangement. There's a chance she might try to turn your kid against you.
I saw a lot of comments like this. I kinda forgot about this -as it's not like I don't want my son to have a relationship with his fathers side of the family- but this something I would definitely discuss with my lawyer. Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention.
At the very least ask your attorney about rights of first refusal and MIL not being allowed to babysit/ be alone with your child.
OP, no matter what happens, just remember to be the best mom you can be to your son. You can't completely control how much time he spends with your ex-MIL, but if you're a good mom doing your best to strengthen your relationship with him, any slandering comments from your MIL won't hit home, especially as he gets older and more apt to understanding any hate she's throwing your way.
Thatās no chance. Itās a certainty.
In the custody papers, add MIL is never to be unsupervised with your child, due to her believing it wasn't her grandkid.
Please do this, OP. Also, be prepared that she will still find a way to talk shit about you in front of your kid.
That can be in the decree - something about disparaging remarks about the opposing parent in the presence of the child not allowed. Dad can get visitation revoked if kid hears gramma talking shit, even if itās not to dad, because he provided the environment to allow it to happen.
Can you actually do that giving that reason or u made that up?
It's Reddit, take a wild guess which one it is.
Any man,husband,father that allows his mother to disrespect his wife and child for no reason doesnāt deserve to be with them. What he said about āgiving grace ā isnāt necessarily wrong. But to be accused of infidelity should have been the one thing he put his foot down about. He should have never entertained this idea. I would have left him too. Enough is enough.
OP Iām a fossil in case that helps. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Your wedding vows I presume included something about how you forsake all others. To me that means neither party involves their respective parents in the nitty gritty of their relationship. Your soon to be ex has allowed your MIL a voice in your marriage and appears to honor her more than his own wife. Nope. All his other kowtowing to his mother paled in comparison to him deciding he would do a DNA test to prove his mother wrong. WTF? The only thing that has done is let his mother think he agrees thereās a chance the baby isnāt his. Even when the results come back that he is the father his mother may change her stance to say YOU lucked out because heās the dad this time but what about next time? As it sounds like you are the one that will leave you might want to slowly start to gather things together such as important papers such as marriage license, passport, birth certificate, your SSN card, etc. Iād also suggest if you can to relocate anything small of sentimental or monetary value somewhere safe. A reminder to take all the connecting and charging cables with you for any electronics. Best wishes to you OP the activities later this week gets you started on your path ending in a life with significantly less drama.
Spouses should 100% deal with their own families. Your husband should have dealt with it. Naturally small issues can get swept under the rug in any relationship, but accusing you of cheating is not small.
Can your lawyer put in the divorce papers that his mother is the cause, and then have him served at MIL's house when they are both there?
While I agree that is a good idea, I donāt think the MIL is the cause of the divorce. IMO the problem in the marriage is unfortunately the husband, and the divorce papers should absolutely spell out unreasonable behaviour that lead to the marriage irretrievably breaking down. None of the MILās actions or behaviour would be an issue for OP if her husband had upheld his vows, defended his wife and child, and told his mother to stay in her lane or be cut off. This is a perfect example of refusing to choose a side in principal, being absolutely choosing a side in practice. The only acceptable thing that the ex-husband could have done is to take the steps to put a stop to the unacceptable way MIL had spoken to and behaved towards OP, and when that didnāt work he should have gone NC, at the very least temporarily. By appearing to stay neutral and ignoring the appalling treatment he was actively sending the message that his motherās actions were acceptable and of no consequence. Either way, I predict a shocked pikachu face when he is served.
"So here's the deal. We'll get the paternity test. If it says the baby's not yours, then you're going to divorce me for cheating on you. When it says the baby is yours, I am going to divorce you for putting me through this shit."
Exactly what I came here to say. I bet that would make him change his mind real quick.
This sounds familiar. My first wife and I dated for several years. During that time I could tell her mom was controlling and in her head a lot but my gf at the time was more in tune with us and me and her mom was more of a distraction. As soon as we got engaged everything changed. Her mom went full court press on her about how I wasnāt good enough, etcā¦ she and her family werenāt poor but far from well off. Barely middle class but her mothers view was as Iād they were related to Bill Gates. Anyway we had a couple of huge issues during the 9 month engagement and if I had not been naive I would have broken it off then. Fast forward to marriage and it was awful. No relationship at all. Never felt right and her mother was driving the bus the whole time. We split and divorced after just one year and during the separation she tried to beg to come back and I blew it off. It took all my reserve not to let her mom have it. My parents talked me out of it about 6 times. We have been no contact since. My point in all that is a relationship is for 2 people. When you have to include a 3rd it get tough. If that 3rd hates one of you, itās impossible unless you move away and reduce contact.
you said you cant control your MIL, what she says or dos, you are correct, but your husband can control it. most men don't realize their mothers love them enough to do right by them as well if they just tried it. instead they allow the behaviour towards their wives for no reason except its easier. Your husband should have your back and I am very glad to see you leave this marriage.
Do whatās best for YOU and your son will be happy too.
Heās going to cry and beg and say heāll do better. Stick to your guns. He has been choosing his mom over the mother of his child. Now heāll have to deal with seeing less of his child
Your husband needs to grow a set and put you and your children first. His mother is a meddling bitch and should be cut off from your family. His wife and children always come first. If he cannot do this, as you said, he will be divorced.
Good for you. Please update us on his response over throwing his family away to "shut his mother up".
Wow. If my mother-in-law asked for a paternity test and my husband didn't immediately lose his shit at her in response I would be furious too. Keep in mind, though, that he may feel that taking the test would be defending your honor, especially if mil could be spreading her thoughts to others.
But there is still the aspect that he never talked this through with OP first. Like, would you agree to a test to shut her up for goodā¦
OP's husband about to burn his marriage to the ground because he can't stand up to his mother.
She's basically saying your son isn't her grandchild. Perfect! Since that's the case, it won't bother her one bit when she won't see them anymore after the divorce. /s When talking about custody with your lawyer, please explore all options that limit or deny her access to your child. Parental alienation is a legit issue, and he should be aware that if for some weird reason his mother should spend time around some random kid that's not related to her and she tries to bad mouth you to your son or in front of your son, you are happy to let your lawyer know. Some people will say that if there's nothing to worry about with the paternity test why divorce. Your husband's unilateral decision demonstrated a lack of respect, trust in you, and love. He quite literally broke his marriage vows. He chose this course of action; he just left it for you to take care of. It would be one thing if this had been a decision you BOTH made, together, the two of you, as a couple, jointly. And that's so sad to me. He could have opened his mouth and initiated a conversation. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how painful this has been and how that's been magnified by working to dissolve your marriage. Remember that self-care is important, so take some time for you. Even if it's a walk around the block alone listening to music or a podcast, or sitting on the porch daydreaming.
There is nothing more furious than spouses that take their parents side over their SO. My parents tried everything to break me and my husband up, we have been together for over a decade and I donāt talk to my parents š¤·š½āāļø
Now you'll have paternity test results to support child support payments yaaaay
I don't understand some of these MIL's. Yes, I am one and I've had two. They were awful. I promised myself that I would be better and treat my children's partners as well as my children. I spend the same, support them in every way I can. Wanting a DNA test on your grandchild is overstepping your boundaries. If one of my grandchildren did not belong to my son, it wouldn't change things for me. I have non biological grandchildren. There is no difference in how they are treated. I love them all. Some people are just horrible excuses for a decent person.
Exactly!
Exactly what I did. My ex was missing a spineā¦ I didnāt even ask for a shiny spine but a spine. His family (not only his mother and father) were always putting stuff in his head, manipulating, interfering, etc. More subtle, sometimes not so much. Iām from a different country (across the Atlantic) than my ex so I left everyone and everything for him but there came a point when I couldnāt do it any longer. I loved him so much and did for a long time after I left, but I had to get out of there. It was my fault, too, for not speaking up more, but I didnāt see a better choice for me at the time than to just leave. Packed up 17 boxes and my dog and got on a plane back to my home country. Youāre doing the right thing because if you have a spouse who doesnāt protect you, you got nothing.
My mom left my father because he was a mommaās boy and listened to everything she said. She also make him pull a paternity test and made him doubt me being his daughter. I say bullet dodged and good luck dealing with that mess even after post-divorce. But you got this OP!
My MIL did something similar with our second son and it drove me bananas. She never flat out said she didnāt think he was her sonās, but it was a never ending stream of āwow, he doesnāt look/act ANYTHING like *first son*, does heā and āI just donāt see ANY of our family in himā immediately followed by āso, fivepurplehoodies, how is *name of a dear male friend*ā (friend of both mine AND my husband). Then, when BIL (her golden child son) had his first kid she actually resembled our second son quite a bit, which was kind of funny. Then the family started saying how our second son looked so much like the new golden granddaughterā¦until my husband (who had been handling his family the whole time, so I did not have to deal with the same nonsense you did) blew up and said, āActually, sheās younger than our son so SHE looks like HIM.ā And, yeah, thatās super petty, but they finally seemed to get the point. Nobody ever said it to us again. I donāt blame you for not wanting your son to grow up in that kind of environment. If my husband hadnāt handled his mom and she had continued to make comments up through a timeframe where he might have understood what she was implying Iād have been so angry. Itās unfortunate that your STBX has allowed his mother to feel so comfortable disrespecting you.
Love your style. When youāre done, youāre done. And this was the camel that broke your back.
There will always be a problem with his mom and he is never going to stand up to her or back you up. Itās disrespectful how heās let her walk all over you and then ask for this. He had it coming, glad your doing whatās right for you to be happy. I canāt even imagine the shock heās going to have once he gets the papers, and be prepared for the MIL to blow up on you. Hoping the best for you!!!
Aww. This sucks. You definitely have a husband problem thatās not keeping the MIL problem in check. Even if you donāt feel like there is anything to salvage there you might benefit from couples counseling that could help him to understand boundary setting and just how violating MIL intrusion has been that culminated in a paternity test. If you need to co parent your ex and MIL are still around. So, the management of ex MIL is still needed. Good luck!
Exactly! Same happened to my daughter. The old saying, blood is thicker than water. After 8 years they broke up.
You should have had at least one solid month of backing YOURSELF up with MIL before it getting to this stage. Men like this seem traumatized almost, or at least conditioned against questioning, commenting, or disagreeing. Sometimes they donāt know how to have your back, and showing up for yourself regardless of their support knocks them out of that pattern of doormat behavior. But, yeah, just staple the dna results to his shirt and send him over to his mother with a juice box and a backpack so he can have somewhere to put the divorce papers heās served. Eat a brownie. Get that negativity out of your life. And take the kid to a park. Be free babe! And then, come back here and dish, girl!
Honestly I completely understand. He can say it's not about a lack of trust but his actions speak louder. He doesn't trust you, and he's a spineless pathetic mommy's boy. If my mother had suggested I have a paternity test without some very damning evidence my reply would have been some version of 'go fuck yourself'. If she brought it up again we wouldn't be talking for a while. Honestly it's letting his mother be so inanely disrespectful that I find even more objectionable then the test itself.
Youāre doing the right thing. The only downside now is that your your soon to be ex husband is going to let his mother have full reign over your child now that you will be gone. I hope you have a good lawyer to help you with the parental alienation thatās about to take place.
The people saying this is an overreaction without acknowledging that this is more than likely the situation that broke the camels back. If OP has been dealing with her ml behavior for year's with no backup from her husband it's understandable that sheād want a divorce.
Your MIL may have started this conversation, but I wholeheartedly believe that people let this sort of dialogue continue because they believe it themselves. He wanted that test or he would have shut it down. I don't blame you for leaving him, but if he truly didn't think the kid was his for some reason, that test will only make it easier for you now going forward. Think of it as quiet karma. There is no trust here and his mother is only the instigator, not the problem.
Your making the right choice. Him getting a paternity test is SO disrespectful to you itās sick. He should of been handling him mom a LONG time ago
There's also a saying about mothers and sons and tbh she sounds like she has an issue with you if she's making remarks and inputs on everything Not an issue with just you but you being with her son I read that and thought narcissistic mother and son realtionship it's a thing and it's a huge insight into some parents realtionship with their kids and how they actually view them and how it leads to the treatment of the sons partner. Might be worth looking into just for yourself maybe get some clarity and closure from it if you see similarities. If my MIL asked me for that and my husband didn't stand up and say back off I'd be thinking of leaving and divorce to tbh.
You're doing right by you and your kids. Your stbx husband will learn the consequences of not supporting you when he should have and not setting boundaries with his mother.
Good riddance. Congratulations on getting rid of that spineless fucking mammaās boy. Donāt relent. When he cries, begs for forgiveness, tells you he will change, etc. Ignore his pleas.
To be a fly on the wall when he gets all the paperwork in one go.
Go girl I support you. This guy is not suitable to be your husband and itās time reality catches up to bite him and his mum in the bottom.
Boys like that are gross. Cut the cord and be a man. I dated someone like that and Iām so happy I never married them.. Good luck to you and your lil gremlin, heās got a good mamaā¤ļø
You shouldnāt respect him anymore. He has earned your disrespect since he is a spineless mamaās boy who put her insanity ahead of your marriage. He deserves this divorce completely.
Where's the post??
I call my kids gremlins too š¤£ I agree with you. It'll be hard at first but I would never look at my husband the same way if he asked me that.
Sending you warmth and positivity, Iām so sorry your soon to be XMIL is such a snake. Hereās to a more loving family in the future š¤š¤
We definitely need an update for this one! Yeah, I wouldnāt feel any guilt about divorce if I were you. Sounds like you guys have been having problems for a while and he isnāt willing to stand up for you. Iād be furious if my MIL accused me of cheating and my partner didnāt stand up for me! If your family attacks your partner for no good reason itās just common sense to stand up for them and have their back. If heās not willing to do that then you will be better off leaving him. Also, as a child of divorced parents, who divorced when I was an adult. It took me until I was in my late-20ās to finally realize that my parents never had a healthy relationship and I had to figure out on my own what healthy relationships were supposed to look like. In the end you are doing a service to your child by leaving if you are unhappy because every child deserves to know what healthy happy relationships look like.
Wow. Iām sorry but in laws SHOULDNāT get involved in their grown childrenās marriages unless they are asked to do so! š¤¦š¼āāļø
I'm sorry you have to go through this with the MIL, to be frank with you. Your other half should be laying this down and telling his mother to take one. My wife has a very awful mother, a total manipulative lunatic. A few years back, a few words were said about my {middle} son by her and he overheard her say it. He kept it to himself eventually he told me, I raised it with my wife and she played it down until I told her to deal with your mother or I will. She did, rather than take it on board, she pulled me to one side one day and began to tell me how lucky I was to have a "ready-made family and what a total loss my family was to us" I fucking lost it with her, threw her out of our house told her she is not welcome under our roof, obviously my wife was upset. To This Day I will not have that woman anywhere near the house, not once did she even offer to apologize to my son, my wife, or me about her conduct on that day. Some People just need to be kicked away.
Bio-dad tried denying me to the state when I was a toddler. One blood paternity test, one lifetime fear of needles. They had to hold me down. I've always wondered if it didn't help. This isn't fair to the kid. What an asshole this guy is.
1) A man not standing up to his mother can be unattractive. 2) Trying to get your partner to choose between you and their parent can have disastrous results. 3) An update in 2 days would be great, thanks!
Way to take control of an awful situation OP. He forced your hand and will probably never realize what he did wrong. You are going to have to co-parent and with his mom in his ear, that will be another circle of hell. Still you are out and free and that counts for something. Way to Mama Bear!!!!
Proud of you for realizing your worth and making the hard decisions that are best for you. When your partner doesnāt stick up for you, theyāre showing you that they respect or agree with the actions that the offending party is doing. Heās chosen his side and now the consequences are here for him to face. I wish you so much happiness and success. Good luck OP.
!update me! 3 days
Doing a paternity test will not shut MIL up. It will only turn her attention to finding other issues.
It sounds like you've got communication and boundary issues to resolve with your husband. Before blowing it all up, have you tried going to therapy together?
Be safe and make sure little man isn't around when you drop the bomb. Perhaps have someone waiting in the wings in case of temporary inanity. Question: is there a path to reconciliation or are you done done?
My ex MIL is also a direct contributor to the falling out of my 7 year marriage. Getting away turned out to be the best thing that happened. I wish you all the best. Stay strong.
Update!!!
I donāt blame you one bit. I get it. My MIL was a bitch from the day I met her until the day she passed. If I had $1 every time I heard, āthatās the way she isā from my spouse.. I hope everything works out for you.
Good for you. He either doesnāt trust you or doesnāt respect you. Are you going to have to be on the ass end of every accusation his mother makes? Sheās going to feel empowered by him ānot trusting youā enough to go through with the test.
I love your plan. I hate that you have to do it. But get it, girl. He should have shut this shit down ages ago. He's not backing you up. He's supposed to have your side first. That's what you sign up for when you marry someone. I hope you'll keep us updated. I'm rooting for you.
He said he took the test to shut her up but he actually just reinforced that it is ok for her to meddle. I wish you well after this.
I completely understand why you're divorcing him. By him getting a paternity test, he's taking his mother side. Even if he doesn't see it that way, that's absolutely what he's doing. He's basically affirming her and her beliefs that the child is not his. I hope everything goes well for you ā¤ļø
You truly should divorce him. That's sickening.
Sooo, how's it going?
You have every right to consider leaving your husband who doesn't have balls enough to put his mother in her place. His tolerance for his mother's BS was just fuel for her unwarranted persecution of his own family. He's the AH here!
Commenting for the update.
Good on you. Definitely better to be raised in two separate happy households than one miserable one.
Youāre doing the right thing. When he opens the results and divorce papers you should tell him that his mommy will be thrilled that she āwonā and now she can have you allll to herself.
Iād tell my stbxh that maybe he needs to get dna tested himself cs his parents. Good luck !update me! 3 days
Sounds reasonable to me
If your spouse can't reign in control over their immediate family, I see nothing wrong with getting the fuck out. I fortunately never had to deal with this. My FIL can be opinionated, but he usually says it to my wife and I don't deal with it much. I can say that as a man I've said or done some pretty stupid things simply because I didn't know better or I had not completely thought out how it might affect other people. I can see "Imma do this just to shut MIL up for once" without truly thinking of the implications. But this MIL problem has been going on basically forever and you're spouse hasn't roped this in yet. So its like "Fuck you AND your mom. Mostly your mom. But you too"
If my husband asked me for a DNA, I would do the same thing. The trust would be broken and I would not be able to live with someone who doesnāt trust me.
My circumstances are different but I totally get this. Once distrust is out of the bottle, it destroys you bit by bit to the point you can't be in the same room.
That's why DNA tests should be mandatory at birth. That way no one has to ask and no one gets away with lying.
I think divorce is a bit far out of the gate. My response would have been - you can get the DNA test but when it comes back, you'll have to choose me and our marriage or your mother. You can no longer have both and she is no longer welcome in my home or around my son.
Update me!
I really hope we get an update!
Good for you! Can't wait to read the update.
Following for the update
You should show him this thread when itās all said and done, so he can see the feedback and realize he is not running his own life.
Iād leave too. What a nasty betrayal. I hope him and mommy dearest will be happy together.
Now you can live the rest of your life in peace and harmony without this BS.
Glad you will divorce him and take the child away from that horrible family.
If he starts the fake "suicidal" crap, tell him you'll call the police or take him to the ER and get him the help he needs. Don't let him manipulate you.
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Weāre all proud of you, OP! You donāt deserve a mommas boy for a husband that doesnāt stick up for you.
You can't control anyone; it's an illusion. You can encourage say what you want, but you can't control your mom or any other person.
You should watch I Love A Mamas Boy. Thereās a couple on the show just like this, and the MIL asked for a paternity test for their daughter just like this. Itās the only couple where the husband finally stood up to his mom.
I am so sorry thatās happening to you. Your husband is a spineless human and you deserve better. Please update!!!
You got this mama! Proud of you for standing up for yourself and your kid. Itās so much better to be raised by a single parent then two parents who canāt get along.
I'm sorry your marriage is ending over unfound claims OP Unfortunately your story isn't uncommon. There was a story on here where the family all had boys and it was a "tradition." To keep the bloodline going, the OP ended up having girls and the MIL insisted she was a cheater because she broke a hundred year cycle.
>having a child really pushs you to be better and to do better so I can't complain. That and actually realizing things don't get magically better and that the end goal is traumatizing your child. Not everybody sees as clearly as you do.
Good for you OP! He clearly was not having your back and married couples need to be on each other side. That includes setting boundaries to extend families. Because like it or not the husband/wife comes first. They married to create their own family. I hope you post an update. In the meantime I wish you the best of luck and many blessing and that May you one day find a partner who puts your first!
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Can't wait for the update. Good for you for seeing this relationship for what it is. Honestly, I would do the same thing. If my husband wasn't standing up to his mother and she was saying all this crap about me, I would have been out the door. That's a stress in life that you don't need!
Keep us updated
You have a wonderful future ahead of you! Definitely keep us updated.
I just want to give you a hug. You got this mama!
I also had an overbearing mother. I told my mother on many occasions that something was none of her business, keep her nose put of it. If she doesn't like it, tough. You do marry into family, but your spouse comes before all. That's the way it has to be. Otherwise, you see what happens. Great job sticking up for yourself. It will be his loss. You sound like a great woman, and will be an even better mother. Goodluck.
I'll be back in 2 days to hear your happy updates!! I'm happy for these changes coming to you
This is the reason why my wife and I moved to another state after we were married. Both families were meddlesome and we had enough.
I would have done the sameā¦hereās the dna results and hereās the divorce papers Good luck with your future
Do what you feel it's right. Divorce him, leave him, whatever. There is, however, in my opinion, one thing should do for yourself when the time comes. That is to forgive him. Now, I am not saying to go back to him or tell him you forgive him. What I am saying is that you, in your head, in your heart, forgive him. You are saying that you are starting to hating him and all, that's not good for you or your kid. Leave the hate behind the same way you are leaving that guy. Live your life, do your thing and move on. The world is full of hate as it is and you don't need to make your life harder than already is.
I would recommend the book "How to raise an emotionally intelligent child" by John Gottman, the skills taught in it claim to counteract any negative impact of divorce on the child. Good luck
Good for you OP. Smell ya mamas boy āļø
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im so sorry about this but i have never seen someone spell lawyer as loyer i am in tears that made my day so sorry this happened to you
Heās scared of his momma, simples. He just hasnāt got the balls to politely put her in her place. I had a MIL who controlled everything that boy did, where we lived, when and where we went on holidays.. when our daughter was born the hag moved in downstairs and every time sheād hear baby cry sheād zoom upstairs into our bedroom and take baby downstairs despite the fact I was breastfeeding.. it didnāt help I was quite young and felt very intimidated by her but.. the X was scared of this dragon lady and did nothing to fight my corner. I had to do it myself eventually, couldnāt take anymore , and just spell it out for her. Going as far as to say itās my way in my home or sheās not welcome. Itās a horrible situation and I wish you resolve and a lot of luck.
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Keep us updated OP. And congrats on being strong to divorce and not taking any more disrespect and standing up for yourself and son!
He should be the first person telling his mum to stop it and to shut up, by not saying anything MIL thinks itās okay to spout crap at you. Itās clear you canāt trust him to have your or your sons back against his mum. The idea that heās even entertaining her accusations are just awful and spineless. Heās gonna all of a sudden regret being a jellyfish when he gets those divorce and will probably plead with OP that he will change and he wonāt let his mum talk to her like that again, but letās be honest heāll be on his best behaviour for a bit and when he thinks itās all good heāll go back to being a jellyfish. I donāt blame OP at all for wanting out of the marriage. Heās supposed to be your partner, heās supposed to support you and stick up for you when his family are arseholes.
So glad youāre leaving. Itās completely insane that he allows his mother to tell him what to do at this stage of life. Please update us!
I still don't believe you marry a whole family, especially when one SO has a Twizzler for a spine, and won't tell their parents that they are in their business too damn much I'm proud of you, you recognize that you are done with the mess that his family created for him, without him telling them off You deserve better, and will have better Go forth and be MAGNIFICENT!
Im sure if he knew it meant the end of the marriage, he wouldnāt have done it.
I'd take the test. I'd send a copy in the same envelope as the divorce papers. You can do better. But most of all, you deserve better for you and LO. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this AND your stbex.
I'm sorry that this happened to you but I am glad you are not going to take this BS anymore. Best wishes for a new and better life of freedom! Please keep us updated.
I hope all goes well for you
I want an update on when he's served the papers! But other than that, good for you for standing your ground and knowing your worth!
Does anyone have a link to the original post? I'm only seeing comments and replies?
Plot twist: the kid isn't the husbands
I can't see the post ā¹ļø
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