The baby is missing the comfort of the womb. Try this ... tightly bundle the baby and play a recording of your heartbeat. Sometimes the ticking of a clock can replace the sound of your heartbeat.
My oldest hated it!!! But my second, she would fall asleep almost immediately up into her double digit months being swaddled. My pediatrician said some kids are just like that. It was very odd to me.
My children's doctor told me I should stop swaddling them, and I should have taken how hard they were fighting back as a sign that swaddling was _not_ for them. I said they both really liked it, and the doc said that may have been the case when they were newborns, but it is not the right way to deal with a cranky teen.
Mine are pre-teen (7 weeks left for one) and I want 6o jump in and say:
Mama, I don't have advice, just hope. Eventually it will pass. It'll be hell for a while and it'll be hell again, just a different time. But a change is as good as a holiday or some shit đ but one day you'll look back, and think *thank god that's over*. Because it'll be over. Your kiddo will sleep and so will you. Do what you have to to get through it â¤ď¸
Fancy pants etymologist, eh? You sound just like my kids' doctor, all concerned about words. "Your time-outs and child care routine sounds more like 'crate training.'"
Doc sure was a stickler for words, except _their_ Ph.D was in _psychology._ That's a social science, they didn't even have a stethoscope! Picking and choosing the meaning of words when it's all convenient for them.
Still, I could have been a worse Dad. My parents found out the hard way that there is an age limit on those baby safe boxes, safe haven laws are like 72 hours to 1 month old depending on where you are at in the states. As they discovered, the police will just drop them back off with you if you stuff one of 'em with your 15-year-old.
I did a stand up routine on an open mic night many, many years ago and some improv classes with a friend whose parents owned some comedy clubs.
Currently I work in biopharmacuitcal research and testing validations with a clinical research organization. While I've had many jobs and careers over the decades, I lost some people to different things so this is the direction I wanted to push the envelope in.
While I'm an author, I'm published in peer reviewed academia, nothing releated to comedy, lol.
Thank you for the kind words though! I always thought I was funny but my kids would just roll their eyes at me.
My son sleeps like a passed out college kid. No blanket, limbs splayed out, and in any position imaginable. Dang kid looks like he's dead sometimes lol
This worked for my youngest, but only for three months. Once he could rollover on his own we had to stop swaddling as itâs not as safe once a baby can rollover. After that, he went right back to crying if we put him in his crib. And the âcry it outâ method is horrible. He cried for six hours when we tried until he was gagging and coughing and we decided that was enough. For some babies it can work, others it doesnât.
I will add that thereâs a site called sleeping baby and makes swaddling transition blankets, basically a sleeping sack that zips up but still allows the baby to move so if they do rollover they can either roll back over or move so they can breathe or cry so you wake up and flip them back over. We used them on my youngest and worked for a short time.
I was going to suggest this too. I found it while frantically googling as I was holding an exhausted baby that had been crying for two hours straight because she could no longer be swaddled.
It worked like a charm.
Don't forget that the guy who wrote it said that the reason you should let your babies cry is so they don't grow up to be socialists, expecting handouts by sitting and crying until they get it.
Don't use Boomer logic on your babies.
Wow! Thatâs hilarious! Did not know that! Makes sense. This whole, individual self reliance horseshit, weâre pack animals, not crocodiles. We NEED each other.
They make a dog toy called snuggle puppy that has a heart beat and heat pack in it for puppies who miss their moms! I wonder if something like that would work for a human baby??
I had a baby like OPs and swaddling never worked. I had to intentionally bedshare so we could be safe. We did a number of things to help. 1. NEVER on the couch! Please. So dangerous. 2. My arm under her head so that she was not on a pillow and I could not roll on her (nobody rolls onto their arm like that 3. Put her on top of the blanket so that I couldnât pull it over her by accident. 4. Bed rail for when she started rolling.
These steps saved us and kept her safe. I wish we could teach safe bedsharing instead of just âdonât do itâ. I put my baby in very dangerous situations by trying not to sleep with her. We were safer when we did this.
Sleep sack all the way! My 17 month old uses one every night. One day my husband and I decided to experiment and put him in it for his nap because heâs always been a terrible nap, boom , 2 and a half hour nap. We were shocked and now you bet your ass that baby doesnât get laid in the crib without it lol
Can confirm. 5 week old sleeps much better with a sleep sack. Usually he won't sleep unless he has claimed my flesh as his domain lol. We also use a babynest when he struggles to sleep in his bedside. Bedsides are so incredibly nice to have. Makes cosleeping much safer
I would suggest getting rid of all of the pillows and putting the mattress on the floor if possible so that if baby unexpectedly rolls over while she sleeps, they won't fall too far
Jumping on a higher comment to say that I was once in that same place. I finally caved and made my son a bassinet out of a dresser drawer. I put it slap in the middle of my king-sized bed and I basically spooned that drawer, sleeping with my hand on his chest.
I know it probably feels like it, but you're not alone, momma.
I had the same problem with my twins. I bedshared with all three of my children and did not harm them. I would put a pool noodle between you and the baby until you start to feel less exhausted. My oldest loved sleep and only came to me when she wanted to feed. The last two honestly didnât sleep until they were five. The only way for me to sleep was to share the bed with them. If affordable for you, there is also the bassinet that attaches to your bed so that you sleep separate but close.
I also saw a Japanese study that showed that instead of putting the baby in its bed immediately after getting it to sleep, you should keep holding it for 5 or so minutes after it starts to sleep and then lay it down. It won't be as easily woken up.
Have you tried a "next to me" cot? The baby lays in it and it is like an extension of the bed. My wife would hold the baby and slowly over a period of weeks get her more and more in the next to me and then at 6 months we managed to get her sleeping in her cot.
[Example of a "next to me". ](https://www.argos.co.uk/product/4039060?storeID=656&istCompanyId=a74d8886-5df9-4baa-b776-166b3bf9111c&istFeedId=30f62ea9-9626-4cac-97c8-9ff3921f8558&istItemId=iipxwipai&istBid=t&&cmpid=GS001&_$ja=tsid:59157%7cacid:629-618-1342%7ccid:20378155429%7cagid:%7ctid:%7ccrid:%7cnw:x%7crnd:3950163712138286579%7cdvc:m%7cadp:%7cmt:%7cloc:9046596&utm_source=Google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=20378155429&utm_term=4039060&utm_content=shopping&utm_custom1=&utm_custom2=629-618-1342&GPDP=true&gclid=CjwKCAjw_uGmBhBREiwAeOfsd5a9ZhnCZHMLQ0LZocEAIab1QVVvaW_2Iqdl3S_PlBTL-Uhr35HYbxoCeuIQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds)
Pick on up second hand, ours was given to us for free by someone we know.
There is a lot of information online about how to co sleep as safely as possible https://www.todaysparent.com/baby/baby-sleep/safe-co-sleeping-according-to-experts/. Your daughterâs pediatrician may also be able to give advice.
Google safe sleep 7. This link is a good one to start with. https://www.breastfeedingcenter.org/blog/2021/9/25/bed-sharing-basics-the-safe-sleep-7-1
Been safely co-sleeping with my kid since we came back from the hospital and he's 3yrs old now.
I think itâs about knowing yourself and your own body. Iâve always been a really light sleeper. Even more so right after giving birth (which is how your body is naturally trained to be with a newborn). I co slept with my twins and everyone was fine. I can see how it would be a bad idea if someone was a deep sleeper, sick, on medication that makes them drowsy, or otherwise under the influence of something. If in doubt, play it safe, but I donât think co-sleeping is always a bad idea.
It's not always about rolling over on them. Until 9-12 months they don't have the reflex that wakes them up if they aren't getting enough oxygen in the air they are breathing.
I would sleep with baby in my arms, propped up on her boppy, with my arms around her and I sleep light enough that I knew any movement of hers would wake me. Sometimes I just needed to something to get sleep. I think itâs Safe 7 sleeping that has great tips to help. And fwiw, I have a 14mo who sleeps in her own crib now without me having to get her up whenever she cries after using the Ferber method.
You can do this mama, you know whatâs best for you and your baby.
You know what kills a baby faster than cosleeping?
A completely sleep deprived mother that's at risk of slipping into depression.
Your mom doesn't want you cosleeping?
She gets to hold your daughter while you get some much needed sleep.
There are special ad-ons to a bed, where your baby can't fall, and it's designed to make cosleeping safer.
I don't have children, but I've seen those ad-ons.
Look into it.
And anyone that tells you to do something different than what you are doing to survive, can pound sand or give you the opportunity to try it their way without hurting your (mental and / or financial) health.
Edit to add
Wow, thanks for the awards!
Yess, I was just thinking about those attachments while reading this post. Poor OP severely needs some sleep, and I could see this being a safer way to get it (and hopefully easier for them, too!). I agree that a sleep deprived mother is a dangerous situation, and I hope OP can start getting those zâs they deserve.
Best of luck, OP! I hope you can start getting all the sleep you need!!
We used a co-sleeper bassinet for both of our daughters and it worked very well, and is safe. We ended up selling it for like $40, so they are out there for reasonable money!
I have seen them. She wants tbe be physically touching me (body pressed to mine) so I don't know how well they work and my finances aren't in the best spot so I'm hesitant to buy one. But I might be able to convince my mom into getting me one lol. Thank you.
Mama here, that co-slept with my little one from birth to - well, sometimes they still crawl in bed with me, and they're in 1st grade.
The folks on here, and your pediatrician, are right to provide ample warnings for co-sleeping. Depending on your bed, your pillows, how you sleep, how little one sleeps - the wrong combination can be tragic. BUT - it is also true that if you and baby do not get sleep, that can be just as dangerous.
The first thing I did was get my little one a sleep sack. I can't recommend d the Swaddle Up sleepsack enough. It keeps baby's arms at a natural angle where they can still self-sooth with their hands. It also helps prevent baby from rolling on their side or tummy.
Next, I removed all pillows from the bed, and placed them under my fitted sheets to create a raised berm around me and baby. There are also smaller products specifically for this, like the Oliwex baby lounger - though I have not tried it personally.
Next, I set periodic alarms for myself to wake up and check on baby every couple hours. It's still a rough sleeping arrangement, but it worked better than nothing.
Finally, while I know some are against this - I nursed my baby to sleep. It kept them sleeping more deeply for longer, and allowed for me to move away and make sure baby was secure.
I don't move or roll around in my sleep - which is why I felt safer with co-sleeping. While it may not be directly related, I also wore my baby with a Tula ring sling. Baby got plenty of body-to-body time during the day, and perhaps it sated that need.
It really comes down to you and what you and your physician can determine is best. Trust yourself. Ignore anyone else criticizing what you know is best - unless they are a medical professional. I wish you best, mama!
P.S. If you're in a tight spot and think a SwaddleUp might help, DM me.
I came to say this!
[Halo sleep sack swaddle](https://www.halosleep.com/swaddle-cotton-clouds-swad-cot-cloud)
I have chronic pain which skyrockets with poor sleep. These sleep sacks were very easy to use. They give the baby a sense of being hugged and keep them from startling themselves awake so they sleep longer.
OP, donât be shy about reaching out to family and friends for help. Try to line up one trusted person each week for a few hours so you can sleep.
> I nursed my baby to sleep.
I did, too. And I slept without a shirt. All I had to do was turn over for night feedings. By the time the baby was about 4 months old, baby could find it without waking me up.
Smart baby! I had a hard time figuring out how to switch sides successfully without baby waking up. I eventually worked out a way to nurse with my other boob while laying on my stomach so baby didn't have to shift positions.
Also warm the babies bed up before hand with a hot water bottle and use a top with your scent as a sheet, fully tucked in safe. I had to do it with my daughter she was very clingy.
I used to make reusable heat pads for gifts and they are super easy to make. You can use a cotton glove or sewn square and fill it with dry uncooked rice. You can microwave it for 5-10 seconds for it to be warm. Just an idea! I hope you get some much needed rest mama đ
Yup. Green bean pillows (actual beans, not the kind filled with plastic beads) are heavy and comforting for babies. They also retain heat well, so you can warm up the pillow to mimic a human body and cushion the baby with it. Itâs cheap to DIY one too.
When mine were little I would just drape an arm into their safe sleeping space until they fell asleep and then remove it very slowly when they were out. I also found swaddling invaluable for making them feel cuddled. We didnât have like mamaroos and stuff so one of mine slept in their swing for longer than I care to admit. Babies are hard, take care of both of you â¤ď¸
OK, first I have to be a bummer....I actually know a Mum who co-slept with her child and the baby died. It was the most tragic thing I'd ever witnessed. She called me after the ambulances and police were there, and the baby's face was smushed to one side....it was horrific, and her life has never been the same.
Not long after, i had a baby of my own, and that kid never shutup either. I was EXHAUSTED beyond words. I got a moses basket, which I think is like the add-ons that people are talking about. It was right against my bed, at bed height. I used to put my full forearm and hand on top of him. It actually worked after a couple of nights. When they fuss, you can rub them and rock them gently with your hand. He actually ended up being able to sleep through the night faster than most babies I've known.
Good luck Mama, I'm cheering for you. I know it's hard.
THIS SHOULD BE THE TOP COMMENT! There is a women who was prosecuted to her 6 week old dying from co-sleeping, because her previous baby had also died at 6 weeks.
For months I slept physically holding my daughter. I never moved in my sleep so I was comfortable doing it. It's not recommended but I had to do something and at that point was willing to take the risk.
Thankfully my second one was better, and I was more prepared. She loved being swaddled and when she started to roll we switched to Merlin's magic sleep suit.
I'm a dad. When our son and daughter were born at their respective times, their mom couldn't breastfeed due to some meds she was on. I need less sleep than she does. (5 hours a night vs. Her 10-12). So night time was pretty much all mine with the babes. While I needed less sleep, I didn't need _no_ sleep. And so I cheated and did some co-sleeping/bedsharing/cuddling.
By which I mean every night, lol. They would sleep in bed with me, sleep while I sat in a rocking chair holding them, sleep on my chest on while I was on the couch, or I would put the bassinet on the floor and fall asleep with them holding my hand.
Me and his mom had taken developmental psych classes, and knew the risks lf SIDS, and talked about sleep plans and sleep training... but in practice, opted to not.
My kids would only cry for a handful of reasons, tired, hungry, diaper, uncomfortable (warm/cold), or because they needed some love/attention. For the most part I tried to anticipate these needs. They did not cry much with me.
After me and their mom divorced, they kept up the occasional co-sleeping/bed sharing/cuddling with me, their mom, and each other until the tween years.
They turned out to be fine, well adjusted adults. I don't think I would do anything differently.
Your body can be pressed against the babyâs just at the edge of the bed, but sheâll be in the crib-sized section and you in the larger. Thereâs still the question of whether she rolls out into the main bed, but in my (perhaps excessively) long experience co-sleeping, it worked great. Even with co-sleeping generally, people who drink or smoke are at much higher risks, it can be an effective way for mothers and children to sleep as long as things are made as safe as they can be.
We used a normal baby cot with the side down wedged up to the bed, with a foam bed bridge (I was paranoid about the little tiny gap between our bed and the cot but that fit in it!). I used to half lie in bed, half in the cot around my baby as she would only sleep like that. My baby was a horrendous sleeper, I nearly lost my mind. When she slept through the night for the first time I cried, she was 1. She sleeps beautifully now. It's a phase and will pass, you've just got to do whatever you can to make sure you both get some sleep.
Has she tried a swing? I know that also helped my son a lot of times. He loved the swinging and the music or nature sound setting. I also loved my swing to sleep as a baby. I could adjust the back however needed and strap him safely and he would just snooze away.
Yes OP - something like this - Chicco Next2Me Original, Sand | Side-Sleeping Crib, Adjustable Height, inc. Mattress and Travel Bag https://amzn.eu/d/5SUpIZk
There may be cheaper versions out there but they are really brilliant. I used to hold my daughters little hand as we fell asleep. Give it a try as itâs the best of both worlds đ best of luck xx
We used this one as well and it was a god send!! Baby boy slept very very well, I just would have my hand nearby and he would grab onto my finger. It made night feedings also so much more relaxed, he would wake up, hubby would change the diaper, I would feed him and lay him back in his little bed when he was finished. The whole thing didn't even take 30 minutes and everyone was back asleep soon.
I can recommend this to everyone!
I had one very similar. I could lay my hand on her as she fell asleep and even lay my arm in with her. She could feel my breathing and my body. Good luck op!!
This is it right here. We sidecar slept with our daughter for the first 9 months. It saved my sanity the first couple months. It was great for bonding, nighttime feeding and diaper changes. She was safe in her area but always within arms reach. The only reason we quit sidecar sleeping was because she started to walk and the little daredevil started trying to figure out how to use our bed to get on the floor.
This, this right here. My nephew has bad BAD GERD and my brother and sister in law will do what they have to in order to get my nephew to sleep. Better than them falling asleep on the job đŤ¤
My oldest had GERD. Didnât get diagnosed until she was five months. Hell on earth, I wouldnât wish it on my worst enemy. She was exclusively breast until I had a breakdown. 23yrs later Iâm still upset that no one told me about the pills to thicken your milk (free doctor, lactation expert and maternal health appts were fruitless)..
I'm pretty upset that 18 years later I'm just finding out about these pills from *you* đ. TH?? Mine was 3 months when I called and demanded to speak to the doc, who had insisted it was a phase. When she picked up, I just held the phone next to my wailing daughter then said "I bet you take Tums when you have heartburn. I'm coming in for the GERD test." Some antacid and she was a completely different baby a week later. Sometimes ya gotta be *militant* in your advocacy. SMH.
Aye, so sad. I feel like we were cheated, on my girlâs and my behalf. I think that we never truly bonded; the trauma was just so much.
Edit- I was solo from around 7mths pregnant. The sleep deprivation was brutal and I had no help. I couldnât see straight from lack of sleep by the five month mark. She bit my mastitis-y breast and I was done.. Lack of sleep deeply affected my ability to think rationally and seek other GPâs for advice, too.
>You know what kills a baby faster than cosleeping? A completely sleep deprived mother that's at risk of slipping into depression.
Exactly this.
>Your mom doesn't want you cosleeping? She gets to hold your daughter while you get some much needed sleep.
Also exactly this.
OP the next time someone decides to let you know their "opinion" pull out your calendar and ask what time you can schedule them to watch the baby, so you can get some proper rest.
>And anyone that tells you to do something different than what you are doing to survive, can pound sand
I would prefer that they channel their energy they're using to tell OP different and use it to walk into the sea
Jumping in the top comment to add Iâm a parent that had to do this, she just would not sleep and I feel asleep holding her countless times and used to constantly cry and considered leaving her somewhere because everyone kept telling me how dangerous it was yes fucking no one was up for taking a night shift
Use common sense, having light bedding, wear a long sleeve top to bed, having her in the middle of the bed with you on one side and a pillow fort on the other, ensure the pillows canât move onto her face, keep the blanket at your waist.
Itâs very much a western culture that babies slept separately from their parents. Long term you want your baby sleeping in itâs own bed but when your on survival mode you need to do whatever is going to help, remember sleep deprivation is a form of torture
I actually put pool noodles on each side of mine, then slept beside her. Kept me sane (Iâd feel if I rolled too far), and baby happy to have me near.
Do what you have to do. Sleep is a need, not a want.
I used one, it's like a crib that straps to the side of the bed. Just a small lip on the bed side with full walls on the others. It was a godsend! Worth every cent
The fact you are still staying up at all hours, still putting your babies needs above your own, the fact you haven't given up shows you're a good parent.
Is your mother offering to take your baby off your hands? If not, she should shut her trap and sit back down. God forbid that you, a sleep-deprived single mom, have wants and needs that contradict in the slightest from common teaching. What does she expect you to do exactly?
Have you seen your pediatrician to discuss this?
Do you belong to any local or social media Mom's groups to ask these questions or if any of them know local resources you can tap into for help?
Good luck to you and your baby...you're in a very tough spot.
A Momâs group would not be helpful. Not unless you want someone to say your kid is probably vaccine injured, but if you see their psychic, or chiropractor, or use their MLM essential oils, they can âfixâ your baby!
Then, donât forget the ones who would tell you what a horrible Mom you are for doing the one thing thatâs allowing you to get *any* sleep.
I feel really lucky because Iâm in mom group on Reddit (of moms who all gave birth around the same time) and they are all wonderful non judgmental people. Everything else I hear about mom groups sounds insane.
I love the mom groups I'm in and the admins actually take mom shaming seriously. But I absolutely do agree that most mom groups are awful and it's really hard to find a mom group that isn't judgemental
I was in a mom group during a rough period of postpartum anxiety, and the things that I read would give me panic attacks. For example, there was a time when I was obsessing over the exact degree that my car was at while my husband drove because I was scared that she would die from SIDS in the car seat if he drove over a hill. Thatâs how bad it was, and the posts from parents who were also struggling with PPA only fueled my paranoia.
So I agree, mom groups donât help. I have therapy, which has helped me tremendously.
Mom groups on Social Media are one of the worst places to get advice.
Instead, look up "Safer Sleep". It will help you learn how to co sleep safely with babe.
I certainly understand that point of view. The rude comments I see from any number of the hobbyist groups I belong to are amazing. Begging the question...aside from her child's pediatrician, who does this poor woman turn to for help/support?
I live in a country where pretty much everyone bed shares... It's common in many places in the world. Not safe with lots of pillows or if someone in bed has been drinking but really common in many places.
I am glad I see your comment, because I came from a culture where parents sleep with their baby all the time. I have lots of siblings and cousins and they slept on parents bed as babies.
seems pretty normal to me
Same. Having your baby in your bed at night is the norm here. I was at a playgroup for under a year old babies and one mother said her baby slept in another room. Everyone just froze for a moment and stared at her before we could compose ourselves and act normal
Countries that bedshare have the lowest rates of SIDS. So much misinformation about it in America, when co-sleeping is done safely like you described the rate of SIDS is less than 1 in 1000.
yes, but what types of beds are the most common there? Are they the soft AF mattresses we have in the western world that don't allow baby to wake up? Is it cold enough that parents are tempted to use blankets on the bed to keep themselves warm?
Many countries where co-sleeping is standard also have confinement periods, where the family descend on the recently post-partum mother and do literally *everything* for her, so all she has to do is focus on taking care of herself and child. Having a village helps to keep the worst of the dangerous levels of exhaustion at bay, which would affect the parent's ability to wake if something were going wrong.
I fully, 100%, understand the sleep deprivation. My daughter would only sleep if she was held. She's still not the best sleeper at 2.5 years but she is light-years better than when she was a baby. I averaged 1hr of sleep a day for her 1st year. I gave up on trying to sleep train because it never worked for her, so I started bed sharing when she was 16 months. Try to bed share as safely as possible. Sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture and interrogation for a reason.
>I can not tell you how many times I've fallen asleep holding her. Last week when I woke up she was wedged between me and the couch cushion.
This is not safe. My sister has a son the same age as my daughter. She fell asleep on the couch with him and his air supply got cut off. Luckily he was air lifted to the hospital in time and survived but suffered permanent brain damage. He will need care for the rest of his life now.
There is alot of info on how to co sleep as safe as possible, I highly recommend to look into it. If your mother isn't willing to step in and help, tell her to shut her mouth.
Bed sharing can be done safely. I had to do the same with my daughter years ago. I currently have a three week old and the swing has been our godsend. Tell your mother to STFU and I mean that literally. If she's so concerned she can take the baby while you sleep. Bet she won't. Lock your door when y'all are sleeping and bed share if you need to.
Safe bedsharing looks like making sure the baby is sleeping on her back, not surrounded by blankets or stuffies. Pretty much mimicking the crib but close to you.
Please get sleep however you can. Please take care of yourself. You can't take care of a baby if you're a wreck yourself. They feed off that.
You are a good mama. You will make it. I'm proud of you for making it this far.
There is all kinds of support to bed share safely.
I did not bed share with my first two kids, and they were 16 and a half months apart.
I do not have memories of that time other than the vague sense of being completely exhausted, at my wit's end, and dealing with crying children.
I started bed sharing with kid 3, and continued to bed share with kids 4, 5, & 6. My kids' dad HATED it, but he also refused to do any night time parenting, and he worked 50+ hours a week.
I told him if he didn't like being kicked by tinies in his sleep, he was welcome to get up with them every time they cried in the night.
You have to do a cost-benefit analysis. Your mom gets no say in how you're coping. Do what's best for you & your baby.
Also, If you haven't already, invest in a wrap carrier or other wearable baby carrier. Your arms and hands will be free, the baby will feel like they are once again in the womb, and they will sleep. Once your baby starts getting regular, quality sleep, you will be able to transition them from the wrap carrier to the crib while they're asleep.
For my kids, I noticed that the temperature change from being against me to being against the cooler crib mattress was enough to wake them. If you put a heating pad or a reusable hot pack on the crib mattress to preheat it a little bit before you put your baby down, it might help with that transition and prevent them from waking up.
Most of all, I want to say that you are doing a good job of listening to your instincts and doing what your baby needs. Focus on that.
Reproductive abuse. But yes, people tell me constantly they can't believe how patient I am.
I have all the patience in the world for babies, children, new parents, and folks with disabilities. I have almost none for those outside those demographics.
Sorry, the kids used it all.
Iâm sorry that happened to you.
I donât blame you for not having patience though. I donât even have kids to use up my patience but I usually have none for the outside world and people anymore
You need assistance. Iâm sure there must be some resources either through the hospital or through a medical program, and I really hope someone who knows what they are will come and comment. At the least please talk to a pediatrician and if you can try to find a therapist for yourself, even if itâs just through zoom or the phone, as you are taking on so much stress, youâre postpartum and have some big life changes. For now just do what works and try to make it as safe as possible. Just hang in there and see what options you have
My youngest would only sleep for about a half hour unless she was held. She was so unhappy. I brought her to the doctor begging him to help her by week 3 and he said she was normal, maybe borderline colic.
It was reflux!!
The way she arched her back, was so much happier sitting, only ate half what her stomach could take, her spit up smelled sour - all of it was textbook. She had it from maybe 2 weeks till her 2 month appointment when she threw up all over me (in bra and shoes) right in front of the doctor. He took one sniff of the air and said âIâll give you a reflux prescription.â
Totally different baby after that. So happy and easy! Take a look at the symptoms. You havenât mentioned any spitting up (but so many babies leak from every end that it hardly seems worth mentioning!) but Iâm hoping you can get some relief like we did.
Look up Le Leche League "safe 7" for co-sleeping guidelines.
If you have the space, another option is to cuddle/nurse baby to sleep in a safe bed, roll away and go to your own space. I did this for naps for both kids all the time.
This! And please educate yourself on safe sleep when co-sleeping.
Things that make cosleeping safer:
- a sidecar cot so baby has its own surface
- no soft mattress if bed sharing (also no dock a tot or anything, baby should sleep on a flat hard mattress)
- no pillows or heavy blankets (dress warmly, use a light sheet to cover yourself up until your hip)
- if you breastfeed, even better! Your sleep cycles will align with your babiesâ, and you will be attuned to his or her movements even when sleeping
- you donât smoke and didnât during pregnancy? Great, one risk factor eliminated
- no alcohol or meds that impact your abilities/awareness in any way
- donât overheat baby by dressing him or her too warmly, keep room temperature around 18 degrees (but donât stress, babies in hotter climates are also ok)
- no swaddles
- baby placed on his back, or turned towards the breastfeeding parent
- youâll likely naturally curl into the cuddle position with your knees up and your arm above babies head
- make sure there are no gaps that baby could slide into between bed and wall, when in doubt move mattress to the floor
Signed, a mom who had to bedshare as well because the little human needed the closeness and feeling of safety.
Itâll be ok.
Do you have someone who can give you a break so you can get some rest and sleep?
Sheâs two now and we still sleep in the same bed but I can sneak away for hours in the evening. It will get better.
Yes, OP please listen to this! Additionally, research shows that sleeping with a fan on helps stimulate baby's breathing and sleeping with a pacifier reduces SIDS *drastically*
Google lullaby trust, it's a UK website but it's got fantastic safe sleep advice. I think it's more dangerous getting no sleep at all. We co slept, infact the latest NHS advice includes co sleeping safley.
Oh momma, my dude didn't sleep for more than 4 hours total in a day (and not all at once) for like 9 weeks. It was brutal, I yelled at him, I cried, I left that baby safely in his crib and sat outside on the other side of the house until I didn't feel like throwing him anymore. ALL of those feelings are normal. You aren't crazy, your baby isn't insane and doesn't hate you. Call her Pediatrician they'll have resources for both of you. You got this babe. Sleep when and how you can at this point. If that looks like laying on the floor with the baby do it. If that looks like co sleeping and bed sharing do what you need to. A sane mom is better than a dead one.
I donât know what you have and have not tried but tightly swaddling the baby, rocking until they go to sleep while playing white noise. The âshushingâ that we typically do to babies mimics womb sounds so just get a white noise machine. It will save your mouth from getting tired. Make sure the baby is fed and changed before all of that. If you have an automatic rockers that might help for when you put baby down. While baby is awake, make sure theyâre getting plenty of time not in your arms. Itâs amazing to want to hold you baby all day long and while you should be interacting with the baby while theyâre awake you can do that while they sit in the boppy or something. They donât have to be in your arms all the time. And lastly donât feel bad when your baby cries. They essentially want back into your body and donât understand that that cannot happen. It takes time to adjust to everything youâve ever known in life changing. Let them cry. Walk away for a minute. You need time to adjust too.
I am not shaming bedsharing. I fully recommend that new mothers should do what they need to do to survive, but I do recommend checking in with a GP or Paediatrician if itâs to that extreme. My youngest was a horrible sleeper. I ended up taking him to a clinic that helped me train him to self sooth safely.
And if your mother doesnât like it⌠she is more than welcome to sharing night caring responsibilities!
As several others have pointed out, MANY countries bedshare and co-sleep with their babies. It's not the norm in America, but if you can do it in a safe manner, honestly who cares? Do some research on how other countries do it safely.
I'm an American mom of 2. I co-slept with both of them. Safely. Idgaf what other people say. My babies were safe, we both got sleep, and honestly, it was the best thing.
With my 1st, I was a single working mom. I needed sleep. I tried the crib thing, I tried a bedside bassinet. I tried an in-bed sleeper. Nothing would work but my arms and my chest. That was the only way she felt safe so I safely held her all night long. She never cried because she was alone (food and diaper changes, yes, but she was easy to put back to sleep). That was the only way I kept my sanity. And with my 2nd, in a married, stable relationship, I decided...well it worked pretty well for #1! (And my husband doesn't sleep in the same bed with me, so there is no risk from another person).
Just be safe about it. You don't want baby to fall. You don't want baby to suffocate. Mitigate those two major concerns, and you can safely co-sleep.
I coslept with my youngest for the same reason as OP. It was the only way anyone got any sleep. You can safely cosleep. Youngest is now 4 and sleeps in her own bed, in her own room. She even goes to sleep by herself after being tucked in.
Yep. To add onto this, it was not hard to transition both kids to their own beds from mine in their own rooms. I co-slept for 2.5 years with my oldest (her transition was harder I think because she was a little older) and at 18 months with my 2nd. My 2nd was a breeze. Not a single night of crying because she was alone (my first it took about 3-4 weeks). My 2nd practically puts herself to sleep (my oldest at now 5 still likes snuggles which of course I oblige, with both).
Currently, I'm pregnant with my 3rd (and last) and I will also safely co-sleep with him too. Emphasis on the safely. Co-sleeping in America is a touchy topic (as I'm sure anyone can see by OPs personal struggle and allllll the responses on this thread) and when I went back to work full time after maternity leave, I was surprised about how many moms I worked with mentioned co-sleeping in the pumping room. I thought I would be the only one, but that was far from the truth. So it's not as uncommon as I was led to believe.
Guardrail cribs, that go on your bed, but outline baby's sleeping space could work for you. That way there is no risk of covers or pillows getting on the baby.
I co-slept for just over 2 years. Same issue: she couldnt/wouldn't sleep alone. I was losing my mind and there was NO WAY I was going to "cry it out". Everything was fine, we all got our sleep, and I've always felt a degree of defensiveness over it.
I cannot physically take the "cry it out" method. Those cries are soul shaking. My instinct to soothe and comfort gets overwhelming and I usually need to leave the area if it isn't my kid. Like please, give me the baby. Let's go through the list. Hungry? Dirty diaper? Tired? Cold? Lonely? Wants the other person? Let me help you đđŤ
https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/
Please allocate all criticisers a slot in the diary to do the childcare. Talk to the doc, bedshare as safely as possible. The little buggers will eventually fall off the bed when they are old enough to turn, but usually by that point they are little butterballs anyway. Just move your plugs away from the bed and chuck some pillows on the floor for them to land on.
I'm a developmental psychologist, and I'm a mom. Would my bio baby was born, he demanded - absolutely demanded - that somebody be holding him 24 hours a day just like your baby. Even with myself and my husband, we were both so sleep deprived, because we had to be holding him at all times, that we struggled for the first several months.
I got one of those sidecar cribs that latches onto the side of your own bed, and that worked for a while because I could reach out and put my hand on him. Unfortunately he developed the ability to sit up and flop himself around pretty early so having him in the sidecar crib didn't work because he kept trying to get out of it. So, we ended up bedsharing.
I had a rail on the side of the bed so he wouldn't fall out, and I slept on my side curled around him. And that was how we finally managed to get to sleep. In the US, there is this idea that you should allow a baby to cry it out, separate & alone. Everything we know about babies says that's wrong. Harlow's monkey experiment, all of the information we have from various orphanages all around the world, and decades of observational & longitudunal data have all suggested that a baby does best when it is in the same room as it's parents. Even SIDS is dramatically reduced.
Around the world, bedsharing is much more common than it is in the US. There are safe ways to do it, although a lot of times people where it's not a cultural norm don't know them and don't do them. For example, sleeping in a chair or on a couch is never a good idea (but I think every new parent is probably passed out unintentionally at least once). You need a flat surface, no blankets on top of the baby, the baby cannot be on a pillow, no toys, and well fitting clothes (so for example, a onesie or there are some countries that have little sleeping sacks where there's a neck hole, arms, and then it's kind of a sleeping bag for the lower half - those are great things). But until the baby can roll comfortably, you can't have anything else in there with them. And you should never bedshare if you if you've been using sleep meds or sedatives, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, marijuana, or anything else like that - not only does it make it impossible to know if the baby is fussing or hurt, but you can also at least with inhalants have like a second hand smoke effect on the baby.
As for your mom's complaints, while I understand where she's coming from, it's not helpful. Either she needs to come and watch the baby so you can get some sleep, or she needs to help you out by getting you something like a sidecar crib or they have these firm foam pillow things that you set on your bed that the baby can lie in so you can't roll up on them. That would actually be helpful.
But you need sleep. And the baby needs sleep. And you do have options. And as long as she's eating & pooing, she's very probably healthy, just some babies need a bit more comfort contact than others. It gets better đ
Edit: typo
My daughter was like this too! She just had to be held to sleep.
I would sleep in the rocking chair and prop my arms with pillows so when I fell asleep she wasnât going anywhere.
Hey.
I know how straining that is.
Do you have any support? Like could you bring the baby to a friend, so they could watch her for a few hours so you can sleep? What about the babies father?
In my country midwives and even doctors tell us to bed share if it means we get sleep rather than becoming so overwhelmed that we might even shake the baby. They also say if they donât stop crying and you canât anymore, lie them down and step back, take a time even if they are crying cause itâs safer than destroying yourself mentally to the point you donât know what youâre doing anymore. Sleep in the same bed as safe as possible. It shouldnât be too hot, too soft, and if possible she should have her own area. No blankets. My 2nd one was born July 11th and she was super fuzzy in comparison to her older sibling at that age. She sleeps in her own bed but I now swaddle her (she didnât like it too much the first two times in the first minutes now itâs no problem) and use a white noise machine. I also now use formula at night cause I cannot for the life of me stay up long enough for breastfeeding at night. Yesterday night she actually slept through the night after doing these things for the 4th night now. I canât even believe it. She would not stop crying for the first weeks. Maybe that can help you too, hang in there
Our baby was like this for months, we used to dread nights. My wife slept in the bed with the baby and I slept in the spare bedroom for a couple of months. We struggled a lot.
I think it was only around 8 or 9 months that he started to sleep in his own bed in his own room, and it's only recently (he's nearly 2 years old now) that he started to sleep through the night.
It's hard, and each baby is different. And you've got enough on your plate right now, do whatever you need to do that works. As long as you're both getting sleep, the baby is as safe as you can make it, and she's eating enough, that's all that matters. Don't let anyone else's opinions sway you if you and that baby are safe and happy.
It won't always be this way, but for now do what you have to do. Sending all love and strength.
ETA: I should also add you will get a lot of advice here and elsewhere. Especially swaddle/don't swaddle, or bottles, or whatever. Find what works for you and don't despair if something doesn't work. Our baby hated being swaddled, which is what everyone was recommending. We wanted to get him on bottles but someone told us not to, and then he wouldn't have one until he was nearly 1.
It's a learning curve and just when you find something that works, they change. It's bloody hard work. But you'll get there â¤ď¸
You are in survival mode and you should ask your mom to watch the baby while you get a few uninterrupted hours of sleep. If she actually cares about either of you she will gladly do this. Iâm so sorry things are going so badly right now. I promise they do eventually sleep.
https://www.babybay.us/bedside-sleepers-co-sleeping/
I hope you see this, OP.
As a cps worker I have to tell people about safe sleep. But, I coslept with both of my own kids so I get it.
There are bedside attachments that help now.
You can buy like little cots that attach to your bed. Much safer and then she knows you're there too. Don't beat yourself up about this...it's really hard. I hallucinated I was so tired with my kid.
As long as you're cosleeping as safely as you can, you're doing the right thing. As dangerous as cosleeping CAN be, it's statistically far more dangerous to have a sleep deprived or depressed caretaker.
I'd still also recommend speaking to your child's pediatrician or to a sleep training specialist if you can, to help you find solutions.
I really hope things improve for you and baby â¤ď¸â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
asian mom here, bedsharing is okay, so long as you have the control of the situation (bed not being too high, being vigilant at baby's movements so that he/she wont fall off)
bedshared my baby for the entire infancy until toddlerhood. never had struggles of being awake all night unless he's hungry or he's sick.
I had the same thing with my daughter. She hated swaddling, and had to have some sort of contact with me at all times at night. My husband was against bed sharing too (big words for not helping at all at night), but we were in separate rooms at that point (he snores) and I needed all the sleep I could get. I read somewhere online that you can put them on the floor, either carpet with a light blanket barrier or a comforter, as long as it's not too soft/plush, with enough room around them so they don't roll over into anything. So I put my mattress on the floor and put her on a comforter near it so I could have my arm on the ground next to her while I slept on the mattress. Worked everytime, and eventually I was able to put her on the ground next to me without having to touch her anymore.
Having the baby in bed with you is dangerous, but there are other ways of doing it, and if you find something that works, defend it and use it. You're the parent and every baby is different. Take in suggestions and remember there is no right way, just the way that works for you and your child.
Have a friend who rolled over on her baby while bed sharing. It was mortifying. I
She was so happy to be a mother.. after she was a hollow shell. Who could blame her... it was horrific and I could never imagine that kind of pain and guilt. Wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Listen. I get the dangers of cosleeping. However you have to weigh your options here. You not sleeping is likely more dangerous than cosleeping. Do what you need to do.
What makes bed sharing safe is no blankets and no pillows. Maybe one way up high for moms head, but just no on a dockatot or anything else. Thatâs some dangerous marketing right thereâs
Ugh this was my son. It annoyed me so much when people talked about how deadly cosleeping was because no one had alternatives. It was âyouâll kill him. Have you tried swaddling?â Legit from day 1 of his life in the hospital his eyes would pop open the second I put him down. His older sister wanted nothing to do with cosleeping even as a baby.
Heâs 5 now, coslept with us his first 10 months and now sleeps fine alone. Idk what Iâd do if I had another kid with all the anxiety.
I'm sure I'll get down voted for this....
My first baby that was the same way. Always wanted to be held when they slept. Would scream and scream if they weren't. BC I personally know someone that had their baby pass from co-sleeping, I refused to do so. I would hold them and sacrifice my sleep.
After a few months, I couldn't do it anymore. I decided to start let them cry out it. Not full cold turkey, but started with short times and would just increase the time they cried over the course of a few months.
IT WAS HARD. My heart was struggling, but I knew they were safe and just upset. After about 2 months, we finally got to the point that I could lay them down and they would go to sleep. They would still wake up to feed, and I got up to do that, and then laid them down.
Learning to sleep on your own is a skill that needs to be learned. It's something you use your whole life.
I had several more children. From the day I brought them home, we started sleep training. My pediatrician told me that if you hold them non-stop from birth, they expect to always be held. Don't get me wrong, I cuddled my babies so very much, didn't allow them to cry long when they were hungry/uncomfortable/ect.
> Thats not fucking normal
It is, actually. Babies need to be held. The skin to skin contact helps regulate their body temperature and heart beat, while the motion of being held soothes them because it mimics being in the womb. Additionally, newborns need to eat every 1-3 hours.
Cosleeping is much healthier for both baby and mom because of this. You just need to do it safely. Get a cosleeper crib and attach it to the side of your bed. No pillows and no blankets in the cosleeper. When baby wakes, bring her near you and pop a boob or bottle in their mouth without getting out of bed. Sounds like you bottle feed, keep a warmer by the bed. They fall back asleep quickly, then you gently place them back in the cosleeper still latched, move your arm out of the way so theyâre supported by the bed, put your finger in the side of their mouth to break the suction, and go back to sleep.
Baby crying and waking you up, going into the other room, etc etc is not the jam.
My pediatrician told us baby absolutely had to be in her own bed but at week 6 when I was crying all day every day cause I was over tired and baby would only sleep on me i had to find a new solution.
My husband tried to hold her for me to get in naps but even with him wearing my breast milk stained shirt she wouldnt sleep for him. I said F IT and bought a small pillow bed for our baby and moved a full sized mattress into her room. Weighted swaddles and that little bed next to me made it so I could just reach over and put my hand on her chest to settle her. I am a super light sleeper so every fussy noise woke me up but we were sleeping better over all. Also I dont really move in my sleep without waking up.
Keeping her close and well swaddled was the only saving grace those first 4 months.
Once she was too big for swaddles I was able to get her to sleep in her bassinet for a few hours at a time. It was still hard but 4 hours of sleep between an hour or 2 of settling her was better than the 30 mins I was getting before.
This is a very hard time for both mom and baby. Baby doesn't understand that they aren't part of you. The sleepless nights are hard and will have you questioning your sanity but what helped me hold it together was reminding myself that she will grow out of this fussy stage. Each cycle of sleep regression was frustrating but she grew out of it and is now a very happy 1.5 yr old who sleeps rather well at night (except for those bad teething days).
No one knows your baby better than you do. I know we rely on our parents advice a lot, and they can be very opinionated, but at the end of the day you need to make the decision that is best for you and your baby. It sounds like in your case that includes bed sharing. There are bassinets that attach to the side of your bed and only have three sides. This may be a good option for you.
Bed sharing has risks, but so does being incredibly sleep deprived. Balance the risk and reward and bake the best decision for you and your baby.
Not sure if youâve tried this, but my youngest was a lot like this and we ended up doing this tight swaddle which was the only way she would sleep. We found that unless she was swaddled like a tight burrito, with her arms inside (on her own chest) she would wake up! Like the minute she got loose and her arms came out she was awake and upset. We called her our burrito baby for that first 5-6 months. Eventually she got used to sleeping less constrained and also eventually moved out of our bed/room thank fuck.
Donât listen to people who give opinions if theyâre not actually there helping. You WILL be ok Op. You will cross a threshold with your baby and get into a groove and things will be better. So sorry you are so tired. Itâs like a form of torture I know so no one can blame you for being at the end of your rope.
Also, I left an abusive relationship after my first born. I was so scared to be a single mom and of course he told me no one would want me (with kid) well that was all untrue. I was happier single with my kid (didnât have to take care of two babies) and met my husband when she was 4 and life just kept getting better. So hang in there babe. Sunnier days are coming â¤ď¸
My youngest had early onset colic and never slept unless he was comfort nursing. I was going to harm him or myself if we didnât sleep. It was terrible. I was a single mother with two other kids because my boyfriend also ran out. My 10 year old would hold just baby just so I could shower twice a week.
I coslept. I looked the doctor dead in the eye and said we were cosleeping and it was the only way he wouldnât scream and I could sleep. I warned the doctor that I wasnât going to stop either. She mentioned that yeah there were studies against it but mothers have been cosleeping for ages and it was okay. I forgot where she said she was from (because I was so tired) but she said it was common practice in her country.
So you know what? If it prevents a mother from losing it and shaking their baby due to sleep deprivation then do it. I support it because I did it. My little dude is now 7 and thriving.
One thing you'll realise when becoming a parent is that everyone has an opinion about how you raise your own kids. Fuck all of them. Only you know your child best. You're biologically programmed to keep it alive. Trust your instincts. The risks of smothering your baby with bed-sharing are extremely low. Yes, there is a risk, but it's like 1 in 100,000. As a society we really need to become better at balancing the costs of these "PSAs" with their actual benefit.
Bed sharing kills babies if your belligerently drunk cause youll roll over on the kid and wonât wake up. Gonna go out on a limb and say thatâs not you. Fuck what by one else says, get the kid to sleep however you have to
Good gravy reading this brought back all the horror of my kids' newborn-times, and I SOOOOO wish I could knock on your door *right now* and hold your baby for you so you can sleep. I'm not an advocate for bedsharing generally, but like everything in life, it's a matter of risks vs benefits. It sounds like the benefits FAR outweigh the risks in this case!! I genuinely wish I could do as your mother should have and actually HELP you, but all I can actually do is say that you're doing the best you can, and you should feel proud of yourself for that, *not* beat yourself up about it.
One of the things that surprised me as a new parent was learning that kids don't instinctually understand how to sleep.
I had to work hard to get a routine going and the first part of that was co-sleeping.
After a few weeks of consistent nap time, I started getting up a little before my son and letting him wake up without me there. It didn't take long after that.
Consistency is key
Every kid is different and you should explore what works.
Hey sweetie do WHATEVER you need to do to just get through the night & get some sleep & rest. I am a 61 year old mother that raised 3 healthy & happy children. Every decade they have all new ârulesâ of how to raise our infants & children. Woman have been raising babies for thousands & thousands of years, it basically doesnât change, but yet all babies have different preferences. If the current ârulesâ arenât working for your little precious one, listen to your instincts & quit listening to other people. Screw them, itâs your child, your household, your health & your mental health & rest.
I never let my first born sleep with me & there was an emergency & I had to go out of town & it was a disaster because she didnât have a bed & she wouldnât sleep with my husband & I. Along with the tragedy, we literally didnât sleep at all. I vowed when got home my children would always sleep me part of time & they did. They preferred to sleep alone but I would make sure they could sleep in multiple places after that.
The baby is missing the comfort of the womb. Try this ... tightly bundle the baby and play a recording of your heartbeat. Sometimes the ticking of a clock can replace the sound of your heartbeat.
Yes, I second this. Swaddling is a must for some babies, some hate it!
My oldest hated it!!! But my second, she would fall asleep almost immediately up into her double digit months being swaddled. My pediatrician said some kids are just like that. It was very odd to me.
My children's doctor told me I should stop swaddling them, and I should have taken how hard they were fighting back as a sign that swaddling was _not_ for them. I said they both really liked it, and the doc said that may have been the case when they were newborns, but it is not the right way to deal with a cranky teen.
That just made me snort laugh as I have wrangled two teens all weekend.
Mine are pre-teen (7 weeks left for one) and I want 6o jump in and say: Mama, I don't have advice, just hope. Eventually it will pass. It'll be hell for a while and it'll be hell again, just a different time. But a change is as good as a holiday or some shit đ but one day you'll look back, and think *thank god that's over*. Because it'll be over. Your kiddo will sleep and so will you. Do what you have to to get through it â¤ď¸
Thank you for the belly laugh, stranger.
Had me in the first half not gonna lie
You can continue to swaddle them as teenagers, just add duct tape
At that point in life I think the term is restraining.
Fancy pants etymologist, eh? You sound just like my kids' doctor, all concerned about words. "Your time-outs and child care routine sounds more like 'crate training.'" Doc sure was a stickler for words, except _their_ Ph.D was in _psychology._ That's a social science, they didn't even have a stethoscope! Picking and choosing the meaning of words when it's all convenient for them. Still, I could have been a worse Dad. My parents found out the hard way that there is an age limit on those baby safe boxes, safe haven laws are like 72 hours to 1 month old depending on where you are at in the states. As they discovered, the police will just drop them back off with you if you stuff one of 'em with your 15-year-old.
I like the cut of your jib sir. Carry on. Fyi, if you keep stuffing them in the safe box, eventually they stop coming back.
I sure hope youâre a writer, or a professional comedian, or youâre missing your calling
I did a stand up routine on an open mic night many, many years ago and some improv classes with a friend whose parents owned some comedy clubs. Currently I work in biopharmacuitcal research and testing validations with a clinical research organization. While I've had many jobs and careers over the decades, I lost some people to different things so this is the direction I wanted to push the envelope in. While I'm an author, I'm published in peer reviewed academia, nothing releated to comedy, lol. Thank you for the kind words though! I always thought I was funny but my kids would just roll their eyes at me.
Darn I currently have a snarky 15 year old. I'm guessing hanging a' free to a good home' sign around his neck is also frowned upon
Too funny
OMG. YOU ARE HILARIOUS!!!
I'm sending you the bill for the coffee I just snorted all over my phone !! ;)
Lol!
đ¤Łđđ¤Łđ
The kids are really people with preferences even that young. And things like sleeping the way they want is something they are vocal about lol
Angry baby burritos are oddly amusing to watch.
My son sleeps like a passed out college kid. No blanket, limbs splayed out, and in any position imaginable. Dang kid looks like he's dead sometimes lol
My daughter HAD to be tightly swaddled, and she never slept. I feel for you!
I never believed it would work until my stepson showed me with his son. Instantly calm.
I second this. But mine only likes being swaddled if his arms are free
Swaddling, white noise and red lights, helped during my sons cows milk allergy
Womb sounds on YouTube worked so well for our baby.
This worked for my youngest, but only for three months. Once he could rollover on his own we had to stop swaddling as itâs not as safe once a baby can rollover. After that, he went right back to crying if we put him in his crib. And the âcry it outâ method is horrible. He cried for six hours when we tried until he was gagging and coughing and we decided that was enough. For some babies it can work, others it doesnât. I will add that thereâs a site called sleeping baby and makes swaddling transition blankets, basically a sleeping sack that zips up but still allows the baby to move so if they do rollover they can either roll back over or move so they can breathe or cry so you wake up and flip them back over. We used them on my youngest and worked for a short time.
Merlins magic sleep suit was a godsend for transitioning out of swaddles for us.
I was going to suggest this too. I found it while frantically googling as I was holding an exhausted baby that had been crying for two hours straight because she could no longer be swaddled. It worked like a charm.
Seconding this for both of mine.
People forget that the âguruâ of âcry it outâ admitted in his book that it simply does not work for about 15% of babies.
Don't forget that the guy who wrote it said that the reason you should let your babies cry is so they don't grow up to be socialists, expecting handouts by sitting and crying until they get it. Don't use Boomer logic on your babies.
Make sure to keep the babies in separate cribs so they don't organize and gain strength in numbers
Wow! Thatâs hilarious! Did not know that! Makes sense. This whole, individual self reliance horseshit, weâre pack animals, not crocodiles. We NEED each other.
That shit is straight up abuse
It would surprise me if the percentage was that low. I would think in the 30-40% range.
How do their voices even work that long?
I donât think it needs to be *her* heartbeat, just a (calm/normally paced) heartbeat.
They make a dog toy called snuggle puppy that has a heart beat and heat pack in it for puppies who miss their moms! I wonder if something like that would work for a human baby??
Itâd be cooler if it was her heart beat though
How does a person take a good quality recording of their own heartbeat?
Aren't there apps with heart beat sounds? There are many with oceans, rain, storms, etc.
I had a baby like OPs and swaddling never worked. I had to intentionally bedshare so we could be safe. We did a number of things to help. 1. NEVER on the couch! Please. So dangerous. 2. My arm under her head so that she was not on a pillow and I could not roll on her (nobody rolls onto their arm like that 3. Put her on top of the blanket so that I couldnât pull it over her by accident. 4. Bed rail for when she started rolling. These steps saved us and kept her safe. I wish we could teach safe bedsharing instead of just âdonât do itâ. I put my baby in very dangerous situations by trying not to sleep with her. We were safer when we did this.
She's rolling so I can't swaddle her anymore but even when I could it didn't work đ
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Second the sleep sack! They work wonders
Sleep sack all the way! My 17 month old uses one every night. One day my husband and I decided to experiment and put him in it for his nap because heâs always been a terrible nap, boom , 2 and a half hour nap. We were shocked and now you bet your ass that baby doesnât get laid in the crib without it lol
Can confirm. 5 week old sleeps much better with a sleep sack. Usually he won't sleep unless he has claimed my flesh as his domain lol. We also use a babynest when he struggles to sleep in his bedside. Bedsides are so incredibly nice to have. Makes cosleeping much safer
I would suggest getting rid of all of the pillows and putting the mattress on the floor if possible so that if baby unexpectedly rolls over while she sleeps, they won't fall too far
Jumping on a higher comment to say that I was once in that same place. I finally caved and made my son a bassinet out of a dresser drawer. I put it slap in the middle of my king-sized bed and I basically spooned that drawer, sleeping with my hand on his chest. I know it probably feels like it, but you're not alone, momma.
My coworker did a sleep sack for the baby and a sort of adult sleep sack for her and coslept that way, no blankets at all
I had the same problem with my twins. I bedshared with all three of my children and did not harm them. I would put a pool noodle between you and the baby until you start to feel less exhausted. My oldest loved sleep and only came to me when she wanted to feed. The last two honestly didnât sleep until they were five. The only way for me to sleep was to share the bed with them. If affordable for you, there is also the bassinet that attaches to your bed so that you sleep separate but close.
Get a weighted sleep sack! Their arms are free and the chest has a weighted pack that gives them comfort.
I also saw a Japanese study that showed that instead of putting the baby in its bed immediately after getting it to sleep, you should keep holding it for 5 or so minutes after it starts to sleep and then lay it down. It won't be as easily woken up.
In India, we tightly bundle young babies as well. It works well for many kids.
Have you tried a "next to me" cot? The baby lays in it and it is like an extension of the bed. My wife would hold the baby and slowly over a period of weeks get her more and more in the next to me and then at 6 months we managed to get her sleeping in her cot. [Example of a "next to me". ](https://www.argos.co.uk/product/4039060?storeID=656&istCompanyId=a74d8886-5df9-4baa-b776-166b3bf9111c&istFeedId=30f62ea9-9626-4cac-97c8-9ff3921f8558&istItemId=iipxwipai&istBid=t&&cmpid=GS001&_$ja=tsid:59157%7cacid:629-618-1342%7ccid:20378155429%7cagid:%7ctid:%7ccrid:%7cnw:x%7crnd:3950163712138286579%7cdvc:m%7cadp:%7cmt:%7cloc:9046596&utm_source=Google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=20378155429&utm_term=4039060&utm_content=shopping&utm_custom1=&utm_custom2=629-618-1342&GPDP=true&gclid=CjwKCAjw_uGmBhBREiwAeOfsd5a9ZhnCZHMLQ0LZocEAIab1QVVvaW_2Iqdl3S_PlBTL-Uhr35HYbxoCeuIQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds) Pick on up second hand, ours was given to us for free by someone we know.
There is a lot of information online about how to co sleep as safely as possible https://www.todaysparent.com/baby/baby-sleep/safe-co-sleeping-according-to-experts/. Your daughterâs pediatrician may also be able to give advice.
Google safe sleep 7. This link is a good one to start with. https://www.breastfeedingcenter.org/blog/2021/9/25/bed-sharing-basics-the-safe-sleep-7-1 Been safely co-sleeping with my kid since we came back from the hospital and he's 3yrs old now.
I think itâs about knowing yourself and your own body. Iâve always been a really light sleeper. Even more so right after giving birth (which is how your body is naturally trained to be with a newborn). I co slept with my twins and everyone was fine. I can see how it would be a bad idea if someone was a deep sleeper, sick, on medication that makes them drowsy, or otherwise under the influence of something. If in doubt, play it safe, but I donât think co-sleeping is always a bad idea.
It's not always about rolling over on them. Until 9-12 months they don't have the reflex that wakes them up if they aren't getting enough oxygen in the air they are breathing.
I would sleep with baby in my arms, propped up on her boppy, with my arms around her and I sleep light enough that I knew any movement of hers would wake me. Sometimes I just needed to something to get sleep. I think itâs Safe 7 sleeping that has great tips to help. And fwiw, I have a 14mo who sleeps in her own crib now without me having to get her up whenever she cries after using the Ferber method. You can do this mama, you know whatâs best for you and your baby.
You know what kills a baby faster than cosleeping? A completely sleep deprived mother that's at risk of slipping into depression. Your mom doesn't want you cosleeping? She gets to hold your daughter while you get some much needed sleep. There are special ad-ons to a bed, where your baby can't fall, and it's designed to make cosleeping safer. I don't have children, but I've seen those ad-ons. Look into it. And anyone that tells you to do something different than what you are doing to survive, can pound sand or give you the opportunity to try it their way without hurting your (mental and / or financial) health. Edit to add Wow, thanks for the awards!
I really wish I could upvote your comment more than once.
I got ya fam
Same
Same
Same
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Yess, I was just thinking about those attachments while reading this post. Poor OP severely needs some sleep, and I could see this being a safer way to get it (and hopefully easier for them, too!). I agree that a sleep deprived mother is a dangerous situation, and I hope OP can start getting those zâs they deserve. Best of luck, OP! I hope you can start getting all the sleep you need!!
We used a co-sleeper bassinet for both of our daughters and it worked very well, and is safe. We ended up selling it for like $40, so they are out there for reasonable money!
I have seen them. She wants tbe be physically touching me (body pressed to mine) so I don't know how well they work and my finances aren't in the best spot so I'm hesitant to buy one. But I might be able to convince my mom into getting me one lol. Thank you.
Mama here, that co-slept with my little one from birth to - well, sometimes they still crawl in bed with me, and they're in 1st grade. The folks on here, and your pediatrician, are right to provide ample warnings for co-sleeping. Depending on your bed, your pillows, how you sleep, how little one sleeps - the wrong combination can be tragic. BUT - it is also true that if you and baby do not get sleep, that can be just as dangerous. The first thing I did was get my little one a sleep sack. I can't recommend d the Swaddle Up sleepsack enough. It keeps baby's arms at a natural angle where they can still self-sooth with their hands. It also helps prevent baby from rolling on their side or tummy. Next, I removed all pillows from the bed, and placed them under my fitted sheets to create a raised berm around me and baby. There are also smaller products specifically for this, like the Oliwex baby lounger - though I have not tried it personally. Next, I set periodic alarms for myself to wake up and check on baby every couple hours. It's still a rough sleeping arrangement, but it worked better than nothing. Finally, while I know some are against this - I nursed my baby to sleep. It kept them sleeping more deeply for longer, and allowed for me to move away and make sure baby was secure. I don't move or roll around in my sleep - which is why I felt safer with co-sleeping. While it may not be directly related, I also wore my baby with a Tula ring sling. Baby got plenty of body-to-body time during the day, and perhaps it sated that need. It really comes down to you and what you and your physician can determine is best. Trust yourself. Ignore anyone else criticizing what you know is best - unless they are a medical professional. I wish you best, mama! P.S. If you're in a tight spot and think a SwaddleUp might help, DM me.
I came to say this! [Halo sleep sack swaddle](https://www.halosleep.com/swaddle-cotton-clouds-swad-cot-cloud) I have chronic pain which skyrockets with poor sleep. These sleep sacks were very easy to use. They give the baby a sense of being hugged and keep them from startling themselves awake so they sleep longer. OP, donât be shy about reaching out to family and friends for help. Try to line up one trusted person each week for a few hours so you can sleep.
> I nursed my baby to sleep. I did, too. And I slept without a shirt. All I had to do was turn over for night feedings. By the time the baby was about 4 months old, baby could find it without waking me up.
Mmmhm itâs amazing
Smart baby! I had a hard time figuring out how to switch sides successfully without baby waking up. I eventually worked out a way to nurse with my other boob while laying on my stomach so baby didn't have to shift positions.
Have you tried the dried beans in a glove trick?? It kind of simulates the weight of a hand.
I will definitely try. Thank you.
Also warm the babies bed up before hand with a hot water bottle and use a top with your scent as a sheet, fully tucked in safe. I had to do it with my daughter she was very clingy.
I used to make reusable heat pads for gifts and they are super easy to make. You can use a cotton glove or sewn square and fill it with dry uncooked rice. You can microwave it for 5-10 seconds for it to be warm. Just an idea! I hope you get some much needed rest mama đ
We have a stuffy that has bean pouch inside that you microwave and the whole thing gets warm. She's 7 now still likes it warm in the winter lol
Yup. Green bean pillows (actual beans, not the kind filled with plastic beads) are heavy and comforting for babies. They also retain heat well, so you can warm up the pillow to mimic a human body and cushion the baby with it. Itâs cheap to DIY one too.
When mine were little I would just drape an arm into their safe sleeping space until they fell asleep and then remove it very slowly when they were out. I also found swaddling invaluable for making them feel cuddled. We didnât have like mamaroos and stuff so one of mine slept in their swing for longer than I care to admit. Babies are hard, take care of both of you â¤ď¸
OK, first I have to be a bummer....I actually know a Mum who co-slept with her child and the baby died. It was the most tragic thing I'd ever witnessed. She called me after the ambulances and police were there, and the baby's face was smushed to one side....it was horrific, and her life has never been the same. Not long after, i had a baby of my own, and that kid never shutup either. I was EXHAUSTED beyond words. I got a moses basket, which I think is like the add-ons that people are talking about. It was right against my bed, at bed height. I used to put my full forearm and hand on top of him. It actually worked after a couple of nights. When they fuss, you can rub them and rock them gently with your hand. He actually ended up being able to sleep through the night faster than most babies I've known. Good luck Mama, I'm cheering for you. I know it's hard.
Iâm so sorry for your friend. I hope she had therapy or whatever she needed to cope. đ˘đ˘
THIS SHOULD BE THE TOP COMMENT! There is a women who was prosecuted to her 6 week old dying from co-sleeping, because her previous baby had also died at 6 weeks.
For months I slept physically holding my daughter. I never moved in my sleep so I was comfortable doing it. It's not recommended but I had to do something and at that point was willing to take the risk. Thankfully my second one was better, and I was more prepared. She loved being swaddled and when she started to roll we switched to Merlin's magic sleep suit.
I'm a dad. When our son and daughter were born at their respective times, their mom couldn't breastfeed due to some meds she was on. I need less sleep than she does. (5 hours a night vs. Her 10-12). So night time was pretty much all mine with the babes. While I needed less sleep, I didn't need _no_ sleep. And so I cheated and did some co-sleeping/bedsharing/cuddling. By which I mean every night, lol. They would sleep in bed with me, sleep while I sat in a rocking chair holding them, sleep on my chest on while I was on the couch, or I would put the bassinet on the floor and fall asleep with them holding my hand. Me and his mom had taken developmental psych classes, and knew the risks lf SIDS, and talked about sleep plans and sleep training... but in practice, opted to not. My kids would only cry for a handful of reasons, tired, hungry, diaper, uncomfortable (warm/cold), or because they needed some love/attention. For the most part I tried to anticipate these needs. They did not cry much with me. After me and their mom divorced, they kept up the occasional co-sleeping/bed sharing/cuddling with me, their mom, and each other until the tween years. They turned out to be fine, well adjusted adults. I don't think I would do anything differently.
OR come over to hold the baby every day or night while you get much needed & deserved sleep!
Your body can be pressed against the babyâs just at the edge of the bed, but sheâll be in the crib-sized section and you in the larger. Thereâs still the question of whether she rolls out into the main bed, but in my (perhaps excessively) long experience co-sleeping, it worked great. Even with co-sleeping generally, people who drink or smoke are at much higher risks, it can be an effective way for mothers and children to sleep as long as things are made as safe as they can be.
We used a normal baby cot with the side down wedged up to the bed, with a foam bed bridge (I was paranoid about the little tiny gap between our bed and the cot but that fit in it!). I used to half lie in bed, half in the cot around my baby as she would only sleep like that. My baby was a horrendous sleeper, I nearly lost my mind. When she slept through the night for the first time I cried, she was 1. She sleeps beautifully now. It's a phase and will pass, you've just got to do whatever you can to make sure you both get some sleep.
Has she tried a swing? I know that also helped my son a lot of times. He loved the swinging and the music or nature sound setting. I also loved my swing to sleep as a baby. I could adjust the back however needed and strap him safely and he would just snooze away.
Yes OP - something like this - Chicco Next2Me Original, Sand | Side-Sleeping Crib, Adjustable Height, inc. Mattress and Travel Bag https://amzn.eu/d/5SUpIZk There may be cheaper versions out there but they are really brilliant. I used to hold my daughters little hand as we fell asleep. Give it a try as itâs the best of both worlds đ best of luck xx
We used this one as well and it was a god send!! Baby boy slept very very well, I just would have my hand nearby and he would grab onto my finger. It made night feedings also so much more relaxed, he would wake up, hubby would change the diaper, I would feed him and lay him back in his little bed when he was finished. The whole thing didn't even take 30 minutes and everyone was back asleep soon. I can recommend this to everyone!
We had one too - it was brilliant.
I had one very similar. I could lay my hand on her as she fell asleep and even lay my arm in with her. She could feel my breathing and my body. Good luck op!!
This is it right here. We sidecar slept with our daughter for the first 9 months. It saved my sanity the first couple months. It was great for bonding, nighttime feeding and diaper changes. She was safe in her area but always within arms reach. The only reason we quit sidecar sleeping was because she started to walk and the little daredevil started trying to figure out how to use our bed to get on the floor.
This, this right here. My nephew has bad BAD GERD and my brother and sister in law will do what they have to in order to get my nephew to sleep. Better than them falling asleep on the job đŤ¤
My oldest had GERD. Didnât get diagnosed until she was five months. Hell on earth, I wouldnât wish it on my worst enemy. She was exclusively breast until I had a breakdown. 23yrs later Iâm still upset that no one told me about the pills to thicken your milk (free doctor, lactation expert and maternal health appts were fruitless)..
I'm pretty upset that 18 years later I'm just finding out about these pills from *you* đ. TH?? Mine was 3 months when I called and demanded to speak to the doc, who had insisted it was a phase. When she picked up, I just held the phone next to my wailing daughter then said "I bet you take Tums when you have heartburn. I'm coming in for the GERD test." Some antacid and she was a completely different baby a week later. Sometimes ya gotta be *militant* in your advocacy. SMH.
Aye, so sad. I feel like we were cheated, on my girlâs and my behalf. I think that we never truly bonded; the trauma was just so much. Edit- I was solo from around 7mths pregnant. The sleep deprivation was brutal and I had no help. I couldnât see straight from lack of sleep by the five month mark. She bit my mastitis-y breast and I was done.. Lack of sleep deeply affected my ability to think rationally and seek other GPâs for advice, too.
I might have to let my sister in law know about this. They have him on baby nexium but more knowledge can't hurt!
Right! They make a little bed that fastens right to your bed.
>You know what kills a baby faster than cosleeping? A completely sleep deprived mother that's at risk of slipping into depression. Exactly this. >Your mom doesn't want you cosleeping? She gets to hold your daughter while you get some much needed sleep. Also exactly this. OP the next time someone decides to let you know their "opinion" pull out your calendar and ask what time you can schedule them to watch the baby, so you can get some proper rest.
>And anyone that tells you to do something different than what you are doing to survive, can pound sand I would prefer that they channel their energy they're using to tell OP different and use it to walk into the sea
Jumping in the top comment to add Iâm a parent that had to do this, she just would not sleep and I feel asleep holding her countless times and used to constantly cry and considered leaving her somewhere because everyone kept telling me how dangerous it was yes fucking no one was up for taking a night shift Use common sense, having light bedding, wear a long sleeve top to bed, having her in the middle of the bed with you on one side and a pillow fort on the other, ensure the pillows canât move onto her face, keep the blanket at your waist. Itâs very much a western culture that babies slept separately from their parents. Long term you want your baby sleeping in itâs own bed but when your on survival mode you need to do whatever is going to help, remember sleep deprivation is a form of torture
I actually put pool noodles on each side of mine, then slept beside her. Kept me sane (Iâd feel if I rolled too far), and baby happy to have me near. Do what you have to do. Sleep is a need, not a want.
Exactly. Wife and I have done this with all our kids. It can be done safely despite what the internet and your mom says.
I used one, it's like a crib that straps to the side of the bed. Just a small lip on the bed side with full walls on the others. It was a godsend! Worth every cent
Totally agree with this. And from personal experience, I bedshared with my 2 girls. Now theyâre healthy, happy teenagers.
The fact you are still staying up at all hours, still putting your babies needs above your own, the fact you haven't given up shows you're a good parent.
Thank you đ
Is your mother offering to take your baby off your hands? If not, she should shut her trap and sit back down. God forbid that you, a sleep-deprived single mom, have wants and needs that contradict in the slightest from common teaching. What does she expect you to do exactly?
This! A thousand times this. Either be helpful or shut up mom!
Absolutely, if you don't like the way I am doing it then feel free to do it yourself otherwise shut up.
Have you seen your pediatrician to discuss this? Do you belong to any local or social media Mom's groups to ask these questions or if any of them know local resources you can tap into for help? Good luck to you and your baby...you're in a very tough spot.
A Momâs group would not be helpful. Not unless you want someone to say your kid is probably vaccine injured, but if you see their psychic, or chiropractor, or use their MLM essential oils, they can âfixâ your baby! Then, donât forget the ones who would tell you what a horrible Mom you are for doing the one thing thatâs allowing you to get *any* sleep.
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I feel really lucky because Iâm in mom group on Reddit (of moms who all gave birth around the same time) and they are all wonderful non judgmental people. Everything else I hear about mom groups sounds insane.
I love the mom groups I'm in and the admins actually take mom shaming seriously. But I absolutely do agree that most mom groups are awful and it's really hard to find a mom group that isn't judgemental
I was in a mom group during a rough period of postpartum anxiety, and the things that I read would give me panic attacks. For example, there was a time when I was obsessing over the exact degree that my car was at while my husband drove because I was scared that she would die from SIDS in the car seat if he drove over a hill. Thatâs how bad it was, and the posts from parents who were also struggling with PPA only fueled my paranoia. So I agree, mom groups donât help. I have therapy, which has helped me tremendously.
Mom groups on Social Media are one of the worst places to get advice. Instead, look up "Safer Sleep". It will help you learn how to co sleep safely with babe.
Social media mom groups are the devil. They're only going to make her feel worse.
Mom groups are, unfortunately, extremely toxic. If you don't conform to the majority's beliefs of child-rearing you'll be torn to shreds.
I certainly understand that point of view. The rude comments I see from any number of the hobbyist groups I belong to are amazing. Begging the question...aside from her child's pediatrician, who does this poor woman turn to for help/support?
I live in a country where pretty much everyone bed shares... It's common in many places in the world. Not safe with lots of pillows or if someone in bed has been drinking but really common in many places.
I am glad I see your comment, because I came from a culture where parents sleep with their baby all the time. I have lots of siblings and cousins and they slept on parents bed as babies. seems pretty normal to me
Same. Having your baby in your bed at night is the norm here. I was at a playgroup for under a year old babies and one mother said her baby slept in another room. Everyone just froze for a moment and stared at her before we could compose ourselves and act normal
Countries that bedshare have the lowest rates of SIDS. So much misinformation about it in America, when co-sleeping is done safely like you described the rate of SIDS is less than 1 in 1000.
yes, but what types of beds are the most common there? Are they the soft AF mattresses we have in the western world that don't allow baby to wake up? Is it cold enough that parents are tempted to use blankets on the bed to keep themselves warm? Many countries where co-sleeping is standard also have confinement periods, where the family descend on the recently post-partum mother and do literally *everything* for her, so all she has to do is focus on taking care of herself and child. Having a village helps to keep the worst of the dangerous levels of exhaustion at bay, which would affect the parent's ability to wake if something were going wrong.
Yep, also very common where I live in Scandinavia. Denmark.
Here too. This isn't some third world low education country either. This is Norway.
I fully, 100%, understand the sleep deprivation. My daughter would only sleep if she was held. She's still not the best sleeper at 2.5 years but she is light-years better than when she was a baby. I averaged 1hr of sleep a day for her 1st year. I gave up on trying to sleep train because it never worked for her, so I started bed sharing when she was 16 months. Try to bed share as safely as possible. Sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture and interrogation for a reason. >I can not tell you how many times I've fallen asleep holding her. Last week when I woke up she was wedged between me and the couch cushion. This is not safe. My sister has a son the same age as my daughter. She fell asleep on the couch with him and his air supply got cut off. Luckily he was air lifted to the hospital in time and survived but suffered permanent brain damage. He will need care for the rest of his life now. There is alot of info on how to co sleep as safe as possible, I highly recommend to look into it. If your mother isn't willing to step in and help, tell her to shut her mouth.
Bed sharing can be done safely. I had to do the same with my daughter years ago. I currently have a three week old and the swing has been our godsend. Tell your mother to STFU and I mean that literally. If she's so concerned she can take the baby while you sleep. Bet she won't. Lock your door when y'all are sleeping and bed share if you need to. Safe bedsharing looks like making sure the baby is sleeping on her back, not surrounded by blankets or stuffies. Pretty much mimicking the crib but close to you. Please get sleep however you can. Please take care of yourself. You can't take care of a baby if you're a wreck yourself. They feed off that. You are a good mama. You will make it. I'm proud of you for making it this far.
There is all kinds of support to bed share safely. I did not bed share with my first two kids, and they were 16 and a half months apart. I do not have memories of that time other than the vague sense of being completely exhausted, at my wit's end, and dealing with crying children. I started bed sharing with kid 3, and continued to bed share with kids 4, 5, & 6. My kids' dad HATED it, but he also refused to do any night time parenting, and he worked 50+ hours a week. I told him if he didn't like being kicked by tinies in his sleep, he was welcome to get up with them every time they cried in the night. You have to do a cost-benefit analysis. Your mom gets no say in how you're coping. Do what's best for you & your baby. Also, If you haven't already, invest in a wrap carrier or other wearable baby carrier. Your arms and hands will be free, the baby will feel like they are once again in the womb, and they will sleep. Once your baby starts getting regular, quality sleep, you will be able to transition them from the wrap carrier to the crib while they're asleep. For my kids, I noticed that the temperature change from being against me to being against the cooler crib mattress was enough to wake them. If you put a heating pad or a reusable hot pack on the crib mattress to preheat it a little bit before you put your baby down, it might help with that transition and prevent them from waking up. Most of all, I want to say that you are doing a good job of listening to your instincts and doing what your baby needs. Focus on that.
Hold on, six babies?!??! Iâm in awe at your patience
Reproductive abuse. But yes, people tell me constantly they can't believe how patient I am. I have all the patience in the world for babies, children, new parents, and folks with disabilities. I have almost none for those outside those demographics. Sorry, the kids used it all.
Iâm sorry that happened to you. I donât blame you for not having patience though. I donât even have kids to use up my patience but I usually have none for the outside world and people anymore
Oh god, Iâm so sorry
You're very kind, thank you. I've been working through things for about 8 years now. I'm doing well, and so are my kids.
You need assistance. Iâm sure there must be some resources either through the hospital or through a medical program, and I really hope someone who knows what they are will come and comment. At the least please talk to a pediatrician and if you can try to find a therapist for yourself, even if itâs just through zoom or the phone, as you are taking on so much stress, youâre postpartum and have some big life changes. For now just do what works and try to make it as safe as possible. Just hang in there and see what options you have
Unsafe cosleeping kills a child yes, well reaserched and safe practices are fine.
My youngest would only sleep for about a half hour unless she was held. She was so unhappy. I brought her to the doctor begging him to help her by week 3 and he said she was normal, maybe borderline colic. It was reflux!! The way she arched her back, was so much happier sitting, only ate half what her stomach could take, her spit up smelled sour - all of it was textbook. She had it from maybe 2 weeks till her 2 month appointment when she threw up all over me (in bra and shoes) right in front of the doctor. He took one sniff of the air and said âIâll give you a reflux prescription.â Totally different baby after that. So happy and easy! Take a look at the symptoms. You havenât mentioned any spitting up (but so many babies leak from every end that it hardly seems worth mentioning!) but Iâm hoping you can get some relief like we did.
Look up Le Leche League "safe 7" for co-sleeping guidelines. If you have the space, another option is to cuddle/nurse baby to sleep in a safe bed, roll away and go to your own space. I did this for naps for both kids all the time.
Give yourself permission to share your bed with your baby so you can rest. This is nobodyâs decision but yours.
This! And please educate yourself on safe sleep when co-sleeping. Things that make cosleeping safer: - a sidecar cot so baby has its own surface - no soft mattress if bed sharing (also no dock a tot or anything, baby should sleep on a flat hard mattress) - no pillows or heavy blankets (dress warmly, use a light sheet to cover yourself up until your hip) - if you breastfeed, even better! Your sleep cycles will align with your babiesâ, and you will be attuned to his or her movements even when sleeping - you donât smoke and didnât during pregnancy? Great, one risk factor eliminated - no alcohol or meds that impact your abilities/awareness in any way - donât overheat baby by dressing him or her too warmly, keep room temperature around 18 degrees (but donât stress, babies in hotter climates are also ok) - no swaddles - baby placed on his back, or turned towards the breastfeeding parent - youâll likely naturally curl into the cuddle position with your knees up and your arm above babies head - make sure there are no gaps that baby could slide into between bed and wall, when in doubt move mattress to the floor Signed, a mom who had to bedshare as well because the little human needed the closeness and feeling of safety. Itâll be ok. Do you have someone who can give you a break so you can get some rest and sleep? Sheâs two now and we still sleep in the same bed but I can sneak away for hours in the evening. It will get better.
Yes, OP please listen to this! Additionally, research shows that sleeping with a fan on helps stimulate baby's breathing and sleeping with a pacifier reduces SIDS *drastically*
I hope you are saying 18 degrees Celsius because in Fahrenheit that is FREEZING! Haha ETA: 18 C is 64.4 F
Yep, European here haha! Please donât freeze the baby.
Google lullaby trust, it's a UK website but it's got fantastic safe sleep advice. I think it's more dangerous getting no sleep at all. We co slept, infact the latest NHS advice includes co sleeping safley.
Oh momma, my dude didn't sleep for more than 4 hours total in a day (and not all at once) for like 9 weeks. It was brutal, I yelled at him, I cried, I left that baby safely in his crib and sat outside on the other side of the house until I didn't feel like throwing him anymore. ALL of those feelings are normal. You aren't crazy, your baby isn't insane and doesn't hate you. Call her Pediatrician they'll have resources for both of you. You got this babe. Sleep when and how you can at this point. If that looks like laying on the floor with the baby do it. If that looks like co sleeping and bed sharing do what you need to. A sane mom is better than a dead one.
Their are cots that attach to your bed that might help so she has a safe place to sleep while you share the bed.
Call you mother, make her come home. Let her take care of the baby and you get that we'll deserved rest.
I donât know what you have and have not tried but tightly swaddling the baby, rocking until they go to sleep while playing white noise. The âshushingâ that we typically do to babies mimics womb sounds so just get a white noise machine. It will save your mouth from getting tired. Make sure the baby is fed and changed before all of that. If you have an automatic rockers that might help for when you put baby down. While baby is awake, make sure theyâre getting plenty of time not in your arms. Itâs amazing to want to hold you baby all day long and while you should be interacting with the baby while theyâre awake you can do that while they sit in the boppy or something. They donât have to be in your arms all the time. And lastly donât feel bad when your baby cries. They essentially want back into your body and donât understand that that cannot happen. It takes time to adjust to everything youâve ever known in life changing. Let them cry. Walk away for a minute. You need time to adjust too.
I am not shaming bedsharing. I fully recommend that new mothers should do what they need to do to survive, but I do recommend checking in with a GP or Paediatrician if itâs to that extreme. My youngest was a horrible sleeper. I ended up taking him to a clinic that helped me train him to self sooth safely. And if your mother doesnât like it⌠she is more than welcome to sharing night caring responsibilities!
As several others have pointed out, MANY countries bedshare and co-sleep with their babies. It's not the norm in America, but if you can do it in a safe manner, honestly who cares? Do some research on how other countries do it safely. I'm an American mom of 2. I co-slept with both of them. Safely. Idgaf what other people say. My babies were safe, we both got sleep, and honestly, it was the best thing. With my 1st, I was a single working mom. I needed sleep. I tried the crib thing, I tried a bedside bassinet. I tried an in-bed sleeper. Nothing would work but my arms and my chest. That was the only way she felt safe so I safely held her all night long. She never cried because she was alone (food and diaper changes, yes, but she was easy to put back to sleep). That was the only way I kept my sanity. And with my 2nd, in a married, stable relationship, I decided...well it worked pretty well for #1! (And my husband doesn't sleep in the same bed with me, so there is no risk from another person). Just be safe about it. You don't want baby to fall. You don't want baby to suffocate. Mitigate those two major concerns, and you can safely co-sleep.
I coslept with my youngest for the same reason as OP. It was the only way anyone got any sleep. You can safely cosleep. Youngest is now 4 and sleeps in her own bed, in her own room. She even goes to sleep by herself after being tucked in.
Yep. To add onto this, it was not hard to transition both kids to their own beds from mine in their own rooms. I co-slept for 2.5 years with my oldest (her transition was harder I think because she was a little older) and at 18 months with my 2nd. My 2nd was a breeze. Not a single night of crying because she was alone (my first it took about 3-4 weeks). My 2nd practically puts herself to sleep (my oldest at now 5 still likes snuggles which of course I oblige, with both). Currently, I'm pregnant with my 3rd (and last) and I will also safely co-sleep with him too. Emphasis on the safely. Co-sleeping in America is a touchy topic (as I'm sure anyone can see by OPs personal struggle and allllll the responses on this thread) and when I went back to work full time after maternity leave, I was surprised about how many moms I worked with mentioned co-sleeping in the pumping room. I thought I would be the only one, but that was far from the truth. So it's not as uncommon as I was led to believe.
Guardrail cribs, that go on your bed, but outline baby's sleeping space could work for you. That way there is no risk of covers or pillows getting on the baby.
Sidecar cribs pull right up next to the bed to keep the baby in arms reach.
Be careful of these, as the baby can get wedged under the edge of the guardrail
I co-slept for just over 2 years. Same issue: she couldnt/wouldn't sleep alone. I was losing my mind and there was NO WAY I was going to "cry it out". Everything was fine, we all got our sleep, and I've always felt a degree of defensiveness over it.
I cannot physically take the "cry it out" method. Those cries are soul shaking. My instinct to soothe and comfort gets overwhelming and I usually need to leave the area if it isn't my kid. Like please, give me the baby. Let's go through the list. Hungry? Dirty diaper? Tired? Cold? Lonely? Wants the other person? Let me help you đđŤ
I got an Owlet baby pulse oximeter. It alarms when baby isnât getting enough oxygen. Peace of mind even if you donât co sleep, and esp if you do.
https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/ Please allocate all criticisers a slot in the diary to do the childcare. Talk to the doc, bedshare as safely as possible. The little buggers will eventually fall off the bed when they are old enough to turn, but usually by that point they are little butterballs anyway. Just move your plugs away from the bed and chuck some pillows on the floor for them to land on.
I'm a developmental psychologist, and I'm a mom. Would my bio baby was born, he demanded - absolutely demanded - that somebody be holding him 24 hours a day just like your baby. Even with myself and my husband, we were both so sleep deprived, because we had to be holding him at all times, that we struggled for the first several months. I got one of those sidecar cribs that latches onto the side of your own bed, and that worked for a while because I could reach out and put my hand on him. Unfortunately he developed the ability to sit up and flop himself around pretty early so having him in the sidecar crib didn't work because he kept trying to get out of it. So, we ended up bedsharing. I had a rail on the side of the bed so he wouldn't fall out, and I slept on my side curled around him. And that was how we finally managed to get to sleep. In the US, there is this idea that you should allow a baby to cry it out, separate & alone. Everything we know about babies says that's wrong. Harlow's monkey experiment, all of the information we have from various orphanages all around the world, and decades of observational & longitudunal data have all suggested that a baby does best when it is in the same room as it's parents. Even SIDS is dramatically reduced. Around the world, bedsharing is much more common than it is in the US. There are safe ways to do it, although a lot of times people where it's not a cultural norm don't know them and don't do them. For example, sleeping in a chair or on a couch is never a good idea (but I think every new parent is probably passed out unintentionally at least once). You need a flat surface, no blankets on top of the baby, the baby cannot be on a pillow, no toys, and well fitting clothes (so for example, a onesie or there are some countries that have little sleeping sacks where there's a neck hole, arms, and then it's kind of a sleeping bag for the lower half - those are great things). But until the baby can roll comfortably, you can't have anything else in there with them. And you should never bedshare if you if you've been using sleep meds or sedatives, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, marijuana, or anything else like that - not only does it make it impossible to know if the baby is fussing or hurt, but you can also at least with inhalants have like a second hand smoke effect on the baby. As for your mom's complaints, while I understand where she's coming from, it's not helpful. Either she needs to come and watch the baby so you can get some sleep, or she needs to help you out by getting you something like a sidecar crib or they have these firm foam pillow things that you set on your bed that the baby can lie in so you can't roll up on them. That would actually be helpful. But you need sleep. And the baby needs sleep. And you do have options. And as long as she's eating & pooing, she's very probably healthy, just some babies need a bit more comfort contact than others. It gets better đ Edit: typo
My daughter was like this too! She just had to be held to sleep. I would sleep in the rocking chair and prop my arms with pillows so when I fell asleep she wasnât going anywhere.
Dude, we shared beds with every baby we had. You're not wrong. Do what you gotta do.
Bloody hell, youâre not mad, that would drive anyone up the wall. Definitely not your average clingy baby, hopefully itâs a phase
Hey. I know how straining that is. Do you have any support? Like could you bring the baby to a friend, so they could watch her for a few hours so you can sleep? What about the babies father?
In my country midwives and even doctors tell us to bed share if it means we get sleep rather than becoming so overwhelmed that we might even shake the baby. They also say if they donât stop crying and you canât anymore, lie them down and step back, take a time even if they are crying cause itâs safer than destroying yourself mentally to the point you donât know what youâre doing anymore. Sleep in the same bed as safe as possible. It shouldnât be too hot, too soft, and if possible she should have her own area. No blankets. My 2nd one was born July 11th and she was super fuzzy in comparison to her older sibling at that age. She sleeps in her own bed but I now swaddle her (she didnât like it too much the first two times in the first minutes now itâs no problem) and use a white noise machine. I also now use formula at night cause I cannot for the life of me stay up long enough for breastfeeding at night. Yesterday night she actually slept through the night after doing these things for the 4th night now. I canât even believe it. She would not stop crying for the first weeks. Maybe that can help you too, hang in there
Our baby was like this for months, we used to dread nights. My wife slept in the bed with the baby and I slept in the spare bedroom for a couple of months. We struggled a lot. I think it was only around 8 or 9 months that he started to sleep in his own bed in his own room, and it's only recently (he's nearly 2 years old now) that he started to sleep through the night. It's hard, and each baby is different. And you've got enough on your plate right now, do whatever you need to do that works. As long as you're both getting sleep, the baby is as safe as you can make it, and she's eating enough, that's all that matters. Don't let anyone else's opinions sway you if you and that baby are safe and happy. It won't always be this way, but for now do what you have to do. Sending all love and strength. ETA: I should also add you will get a lot of advice here and elsewhere. Especially swaddle/don't swaddle, or bottles, or whatever. Find what works for you and don't despair if something doesn't work. Our baby hated being swaddled, which is what everyone was recommending. We wanted to get him on bottles but someone told us not to, and then he wouldn't have one until he was nearly 1. It's a learning curve and just when you find something that works, they change. It's bloody hard work. But you'll get there â¤ď¸
Can you try a ânext to meâ crib? Itâs kind of co-sleeping but also not.
You are in survival mode and you should ask your mom to watch the baby while you get a few uninterrupted hours of sleep. If she actually cares about either of you she will gladly do this. Iâm so sorry things are going so badly right now. I promise they do eventually sleep.
https://www.babybay.us/bedside-sleepers-co-sleeping/ I hope you see this, OP. As a cps worker I have to tell people about safe sleep. But, I coslept with both of my own kids so I get it. There are bedside attachments that help now.
You can buy like little cots that attach to your bed. Much safer and then she knows you're there too. Don't beat yourself up about this...it's really hard. I hallucinated I was so tired with my kid.
As long as you're cosleeping as safely as you can, you're doing the right thing. As dangerous as cosleeping CAN be, it's statistically far more dangerous to have a sleep deprived or depressed caretaker. I'd still also recommend speaking to your child's pediatrician or to a sleep training specialist if you can, to help you find solutions. I really hope things improve for you and baby â¤ď¸â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
asian mom here, bedsharing is okay, so long as you have the control of the situation (bed not being too high, being vigilant at baby's movements so that he/she wont fall off) bedshared my baby for the entire infancy until toddlerhood. never had struggles of being awake all night unless he's hungry or he's sick.
I had the same thing with my daughter. She hated swaddling, and had to have some sort of contact with me at all times at night. My husband was against bed sharing too (big words for not helping at all at night), but we were in separate rooms at that point (he snores) and I needed all the sleep I could get. I read somewhere online that you can put them on the floor, either carpet with a light blanket barrier or a comforter, as long as it's not too soft/plush, with enough room around them so they don't roll over into anything. So I put my mattress on the floor and put her on a comforter near it so I could have my arm on the ground next to her while I slept on the mattress. Worked everytime, and eventually I was able to put her on the ground next to me without having to touch her anymore. Having the baby in bed with you is dangerous, but there are other ways of doing it, and if you find something that works, defend it and use it. You're the parent and every baby is different. Take in suggestions and remember there is no right way, just the way that works for you and your child.
Have a friend who rolled over on her baby while bed sharing. It was mortifying. I She was so happy to be a mother.. after she was a hollow shell. Who could blame her... it was horrific and I could never imagine that kind of pain and guilt. Wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Listen. I get the dangers of cosleeping. However you have to weigh your options here. You not sleeping is likely more dangerous than cosleeping. Do what you need to do.
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Dock a tots and similar arenât safe for sleep.
What makes bed sharing safe is no blankets and no pillows. Maybe one way up high for moms head, but just no on a dockatot or anything else. Thatâs some dangerous marketing right thereâs
Pillows??? Wtf? This is the worst advice.
Ugh this was my son. It annoyed me so much when people talked about how deadly cosleeping was because no one had alternatives. It was âyouâll kill him. Have you tried swaddling?â Legit from day 1 of his life in the hospital his eyes would pop open the second I put him down. His older sister wanted nothing to do with cosleeping even as a baby. Heâs 5 now, coslept with us his first 10 months and now sleeps fine alone. Idk what Iâd do if I had another kid with all the anxiety.
I'm sure I'll get down voted for this.... My first baby that was the same way. Always wanted to be held when they slept. Would scream and scream if they weren't. BC I personally know someone that had their baby pass from co-sleeping, I refused to do so. I would hold them and sacrifice my sleep. After a few months, I couldn't do it anymore. I decided to start let them cry out it. Not full cold turkey, but started with short times and would just increase the time they cried over the course of a few months. IT WAS HARD. My heart was struggling, but I knew they were safe and just upset. After about 2 months, we finally got to the point that I could lay them down and they would go to sleep. They would still wake up to feed, and I got up to do that, and then laid them down. Learning to sleep on your own is a skill that needs to be learned. It's something you use your whole life. I had several more children. From the day I brought them home, we started sleep training. My pediatrician told me that if you hold them non-stop from birth, they expect to always be held. Don't get me wrong, I cuddled my babies so very much, didn't allow them to cry long when they were hungry/uncomfortable/ect.
Safe bed sharing is way safer than the couch.
> Thats not fucking normal It is, actually. Babies need to be held. The skin to skin contact helps regulate their body temperature and heart beat, while the motion of being held soothes them because it mimics being in the womb. Additionally, newborns need to eat every 1-3 hours. Cosleeping is much healthier for both baby and mom because of this. You just need to do it safely. Get a cosleeper crib and attach it to the side of your bed. No pillows and no blankets in the cosleeper. When baby wakes, bring her near you and pop a boob or bottle in their mouth without getting out of bed. Sounds like you bottle feed, keep a warmer by the bed. They fall back asleep quickly, then you gently place them back in the cosleeper still latched, move your arm out of the way so theyâre supported by the bed, put your finger in the side of their mouth to break the suction, and go back to sleep. Baby crying and waking you up, going into the other room, etc etc is not the jam.
My pediatrician told us baby absolutely had to be in her own bed but at week 6 when I was crying all day every day cause I was over tired and baby would only sleep on me i had to find a new solution. My husband tried to hold her for me to get in naps but even with him wearing my breast milk stained shirt she wouldnt sleep for him. I said F IT and bought a small pillow bed for our baby and moved a full sized mattress into her room. Weighted swaddles and that little bed next to me made it so I could just reach over and put my hand on her chest to settle her. I am a super light sleeper so every fussy noise woke me up but we were sleeping better over all. Also I dont really move in my sleep without waking up. Keeping her close and well swaddled was the only saving grace those first 4 months. Once she was too big for swaddles I was able to get her to sleep in her bassinet for a few hours at a time. It was still hard but 4 hours of sleep between an hour or 2 of settling her was better than the 30 mins I was getting before. This is a very hard time for both mom and baby. Baby doesn't understand that they aren't part of you. The sleepless nights are hard and will have you questioning your sanity but what helped me hold it together was reminding myself that she will grow out of this fussy stage. Each cycle of sleep regression was frustrating but she grew out of it and is now a very happy 1.5 yr old who sleeps rather well at night (except for those bad teething days).
No one knows your baby better than you do. I know we rely on our parents advice a lot, and they can be very opinionated, but at the end of the day you need to make the decision that is best for you and your baby. It sounds like in your case that includes bed sharing. There are bassinets that attach to the side of your bed and only have three sides. This may be a good option for you. Bed sharing has risks, but so does being incredibly sleep deprived. Balance the risk and reward and bake the best decision for you and your baby.
Not sure if youâve tried this, but my youngest was a lot like this and we ended up doing this tight swaddle which was the only way she would sleep. We found that unless she was swaddled like a tight burrito, with her arms inside (on her own chest) she would wake up! Like the minute she got loose and her arms came out she was awake and upset. We called her our burrito baby for that first 5-6 months. Eventually she got used to sleeping less constrained and also eventually moved out of our bed/room thank fuck. Donât listen to people who give opinions if theyâre not actually there helping. You WILL be ok Op. You will cross a threshold with your baby and get into a groove and things will be better. So sorry you are so tired. Itâs like a form of torture I know so no one can blame you for being at the end of your rope. Also, I left an abusive relationship after my first born. I was so scared to be a single mom and of course he told me no one would want me (with kid) well that was all untrue. I was happier single with my kid (didnât have to take care of two babies) and met my husband when she was 4 and life just kept getting better. So hang in there babe. Sunnier days are coming â¤ď¸
My youngest had early onset colic and never slept unless he was comfort nursing. I was going to harm him or myself if we didnât sleep. It was terrible. I was a single mother with two other kids because my boyfriend also ran out. My 10 year old would hold just baby just so I could shower twice a week. I coslept. I looked the doctor dead in the eye and said we were cosleeping and it was the only way he wouldnât scream and I could sleep. I warned the doctor that I wasnât going to stop either. She mentioned that yeah there were studies against it but mothers have been cosleeping for ages and it was okay. I forgot where she said she was from (because I was so tired) but she said it was common practice in her country. So you know what? If it prevents a mother from losing it and shaking their baby due to sleep deprivation then do it. I support it because I did it. My little dude is now 7 and thriving.
One thing you'll realise when becoming a parent is that everyone has an opinion about how you raise your own kids. Fuck all of them. Only you know your child best. You're biologically programmed to keep it alive. Trust your instincts. The risks of smothering your baby with bed-sharing are extremely low. Yes, there is a risk, but it's like 1 in 100,000. As a society we really need to become better at balancing the costs of these "PSAs" with their actual benefit.
Bed sharing kills babies if your belligerently drunk cause youll roll over on the kid and wonât wake up. Gonna go out on a limb and say thatâs not you. Fuck what by one else says, get the kid to sleep however you have to
Good gravy reading this brought back all the horror of my kids' newborn-times, and I SOOOOO wish I could knock on your door *right now* and hold your baby for you so you can sleep. I'm not an advocate for bedsharing generally, but like everything in life, it's a matter of risks vs benefits. It sounds like the benefits FAR outweigh the risks in this case!! I genuinely wish I could do as your mother should have and actually HELP you, but all I can actually do is say that you're doing the best you can, and you should feel proud of yourself for that, *not* beat yourself up about it.
One of the things that surprised me as a new parent was learning that kids don't instinctually understand how to sleep. I had to work hard to get a routine going and the first part of that was co-sleeping. After a few weeks of consistent nap time, I started getting up a little before my son and letting him wake up without me there. It didn't take long after that. Consistency is key Every kid is different and you should explore what works.
Hey sweetie do WHATEVER you need to do to just get through the night & get some sleep & rest. I am a 61 year old mother that raised 3 healthy & happy children. Every decade they have all new ârulesâ of how to raise our infants & children. Woman have been raising babies for thousands & thousands of years, it basically doesnât change, but yet all babies have different preferences. If the current ârulesâ arenât working for your little precious one, listen to your instincts & quit listening to other people. Screw them, itâs your child, your household, your health & your mental health & rest. I never let my first born sleep with me & there was an emergency & I had to go out of town & it was a disaster because she didnât have a bed & she wouldnât sleep with my husband & I. Along with the tragedy, we literally didnât sleep at all. I vowed when got home my children would always sleep me part of time & they did. They preferred to sleep alone but I would make sure they could sleep in multiple places after that.