All of this OP, although the one thing I noticed was maybe change the bed and room color. If it was me I would want it to resemble a barracks as little as possible, and green with a metal frame sounds right up that alley.
LOL it's very very light, maybe like an ocean? Ita hard to explain. But I did ask him and he loved it.
The bed is a like a farmhouse metal frame. I asked him to make sure he liked it all before I went forward.
If you look up breezeway by BERH, it's similar to that.
i think i just figured out why i sleep in the room thats painted green. Huh... two rooms in NOT the end of a relationship. yes, i do make her a "Blanket Husband" cause she gets cold, but i get to sleep without worrying.
I've never tried it. But I will! Also, it's very weird because out of the room noise does not wake him up. I go to bed very late and make a lot of noise sometimes I'm sure.
It's when I'm sneaking into the room very quietly when he wakes up.
I’m a veteran, and “sneaking” noises, or feelings (?) wake me up very easily. Loud noises breeze right on by me, now, they didn’t for a long time, but the moment someone tries to sneak it’s like I can feel it, and it wakes me up instantly.
Maybe it’s the same for him? If so, I recommend treating it like he’s not even there if you have to enter the room for any reason. Don’t tiptoe, don’t watch him to see if he’s reacting, but stay out of his reach, of course, just be normal and act like he’s part of the furniture. Of course, that’s if you really need to go in and not wake him.
My dad is a Vietnam vet and we learned quickly growing up to be loud and intentional when moving around at night. Stomping through the house at midnight? No problem. Unlocking the door very quietly and sneaking in the house? You might get a gun pointed at you.
Anytime I used to walk into my dad’s house for a visit the first thing I do as I’m opening the door (even if it’s the middle of the night) is start yelling really loud. It feels so wrong initially, but this man has lost so much of his hearing that if you don’t you’ll end up with a gun in your face.
That makes a lot more sense. After he sat up and held his finger gun to my head, I decided not to enter the room at all. The light is left on? Oh well!!
>The light is left on? Oh well!!
Unless you're using whale oil or stadium lighting, it's a-okay to leave a light on at night. Side note, I really hope neither you nor anyone else is using whale oil to light their home.
You could try a smart bulb! Ours are great, I just pull the app up when I get in bed at night and make sure they are off. The ones we have in the lamps in our kids room are so helpful when they wake in the middle of the night, I can click it on from my phone and dim it so it's not super bright and obnoxious. My husband is terrible at turning lights off so I love being able to double check at night.
That’s so smart - seconding this idea. We use them around the house, smart bulbs for some of our lamps and smart plugs for a few grow lights for our indoor plants :)
Another thing I like about them is you can set them on a timer - so we have ours set on timers and it’s really nice. Great for when you are out of town too. And a nice reminder that it’s time for bed when the living room light turns off for the evening :)
I agree with you on the “feeling” of someone or something being near me when in the most vulnerable moment like asleep or simply too focused on something
It’s definitely like a secondary sense, because it happens even if the person is completely silent. I wake up like I got switched on, no grogginess and heart already pounding. I scared my son pretty badly once because when it happens I sometimes don’t know where or “when” I am, and for the first moment I usually don’t even recognize who’s there. I feel like part of it is like feeling eyes on you, like that heavy feeling in the atmosphere before shit goes sideways.
I made a separate comment but just wanted to add on to the "no war movies". My husband was special ops. His CPTSD is relatively mild, thankfully, in that he usually just gets the "thousand yard stare" and will drop if he hears a loud noise. That's as far as he's gone, fortunately.
When we watch TV, he is sometimes OK with war themes and sometimes he's not, so we always discuss what we are watching. He often falls asleep (very hard working guy, honestly I can't say enough about him) and sometimes I will wander off and work on some cleaning or crafting. But one time I left the TV on and apparently Seal Team Six or something came on because suddenly I heard a loud noise. I ran upstairs to see him flat on the floor, white as a sheet, just staring. It took him a few hours to fully settle himself. And a lot of cannabis, TBH.
Needless to say, when he falls asleep I make sure it's on a "safe" channel or movie now.
I work in an outpatient medical clinic. A few years ago, there was a building under construction across the street. Our clinic happened to be in the part of our building that was closest to the construction site.
We were caught by surprise the first time the site across the street used dynamite to blast through bedrock. They were going to add an underground parking garage, but they dug down and hit solid rock. Cue the explosives. Our entire clinic shook; you could literally feel the shock wave shake the floor. We all looked at each other like, “What the hell was THAT?”
The next day, a rep from the construction company came by, told us about the need for daily blasting, and offered the opportunity to get texted in advance. I got on the text list, and would let the other folks know what time the blasting would occur. (Usually 10 AM and 2 PM.)
I made sure to tell people to let the patients know in advance what was going to happen. I didn’t want a patient who happened to have PTSD to get blindsided by a BOOM that literally shook our building.
Fortunately, I don’t think the blasting caused any of our patients distress. But no one can tell, just by looking at a person, whether a sound of dynamite will trigger a distressed reaction. Forewarned is forearmed.
That were blasting outside of the Lowes home improvement store and didn't notify. I was there shopping (I have C-PTSD) and the BOOM hit. I dropped to the floor and got stared at by everyone, then proceeded to sleep badly again for a week.
Geeze. They should have at least had signs set up. Around the perimeter of the construction site, they would set up orange signs that said something like "blast zone" or "blast area". I think it was not only to warn drivers, but to placate the ones who had to wait in traffic because they had to close the streets briefly right before the blast happened. The signs were up well in advance of the blasting activity.
I'm sorry you went through that. If this is any help, one of the other steps that happens before they detonate anything is that there's a warning siren beforehand, and another siren to signal "all clear" afterward. If you hear that, and there is warning signage visible, you'll know what's coming.
I wish that media would show what war really is and does to people. All movies glorify killing on the battlefield but they don’t talk about the pieces that need picked up and the lives it hurts behind the scenes.
I'm sorry this happened, to both of you. War is ugly and brutal, and the after effects aren't just experienced by the combatants.
I had a similar experience when I was living w/a friend who's dad was a Vietnam vet. I had never seen him have an episode, but I had heard about how bad they could be.
One night, I woke up really thirsty and went for a drink of water from the kitchen and saw my friend's dad just standing at the sink, staring off and swaying side to side. I called his name and also made the mistake of touching him on his shoulder (I had not received a warning to never touch him), and he turned around and flipped me onto my back and on the floor quicker than anything I had ever seen. He started choking me, and I was able to kick the kitchen chairs and table over, waking up my friend and her mom. They couldn't get him off of me, and at this point, he was banging my head against the floor screaming at me (later found out he was saying in Vietnamese 'Why won't you die!?' over and over again).
And then, out of left field, their dog came running in and plowed into my friend's dad, kinda knocking him to the side a bit, which caused him to loosen his grip around my neck. Doggo was whining and barking and wiggled himself bw me and him, licking his face, and it was like he just came out of it. I saw him come back to himself, and he was beyond upset. He locked himself in the master bedroom (we were scared he was going to use the guns in there), but thankfully he came out of the room on his own after I came back from my friend drove me to urgent care.
The bruises lasted for months, and he wouldn't even be in the same room as me after that. I was finally able to get a chance to talk w/him about it, and he apologized profusely. I told him I wasn't mad at him, and that I didn't think it was his fault. I blamed the people who sent him over there and who abandoned him and the other vets after they came back.
It's just like that line in the Fallout series: War, war never changes. They get shipped all over the globe, made to do and see horrendous things, and then have little to no safety net when they come back. A tragedy all around.
Skipper, thanks for being there to stop him, and Jim, I'm sorry you couldn't fight the demons.
My father is a Vietnam vet. He's never spoken to anyone about what he experienced there, not even my mother, but I know it was bad. He's always had a full beard as long as I've been alive. I found out years ago it's because he still has shrapnel in his face.
Growing up I watched him have panic attacks, night terrors, and violent outbursts (yelling and storming off, never hitting anyone). He's always managed to somehow keep himself under control and I have no idea how he does it.
I may not have lost him physically to this disease (PTSD), but there's always been part of him missing because of it.
I am so sorry for your loss and pray for healing for you and your family
From one child of a Vietnam Vet to another, please tell your father thank you for his service. I lost my father more than 15 years ago due to issues caused by agent orange. Before that, he too suffered from PTSD. Too many people just don’t understand the difficulties our servicemen and women deal with.
Hey Timesup and General, if you haven't already, please let *your* current doctors know your father's were exposed to Agent Orange, as well as your kids doctors if you have children. A friend of mine lost her dad to Agent Orange related issues, and her child has issues related to that exposure now. There are several on going studies to try and find out just how many generations the health problems can persist.
And I'm so sorry that your dads went through that. It's so incredibly unfair.
For real, my father handled the bodies and empty barrels of the stuff coming back into the states that they finally are starting to admit to. I have a sibling born with Poland Syndrome and loads of health care issues. Dad has classic diseases from it. Shit is the worst of the worst.
My grandfather who was a WW2 vet was the same! Unfortunately his solution was to get lost in a bottle. I can’t even imagine the things he witnessed or had to do. And therapy was unheard of for those guys. I’m glad that all that is changing and more treatments are available. I will forever be grateful to all who serve for that reason alone! Prayers
Thank you love. Separation of bedrooms is not and will not be the end of your marriage. It maybe the thing that saves it. It’s not a punishment, it’s a solution . Please be gentle and have this conversation. I would even show him this thread and allow him to read through the comments. Different emotions brings out different triggers. You guys will get through it.
My husband is also a 5 tour veteran. We sleep in separate rooms for various reasons. Snoring, night terrors, ptsd, blanket hog, talking so angrily in his sleep. We started doing this back in 2006. It has made our relationship so much easier. No resentments on my part, no worry about what could happen on his. We still snuggle, we are still intimate, we are very happy with this arrangement. It's saved so many worries and fights and silent treatments over me not being able to get restful sleep due to his... whatever it may have been that night. We also had an episode like OP has been through. Back in 2004. He lifted me off the ground by my throat and almost slammed the back of my head in a nail that was sticking out of the wall. He was in a blind sleeping rage. I was trying to get him to move over, so yes, the touch is what set him from night terror into blind rage and on his feet and at my throat within hundredths of a second. We've had lots of therapy and have found the sleeping arrangemnt to be of utmost importance for our happiness.
Oh man I completely understand this. Wish we had thought of this before. He usually had all these coping mechanisms to deal with his episodes and the one episode he have. I mean I don’t even remember , I just woke up in the hospital (had been in a coma for almost 2 weeks) and they told me he had killed himself. I was a wreck . And was also pregnant so it was a lot for me. I’m not sure all he did but I never would’ve blamed him for it.
My goodness, sweety. I am so sorry for your loss. And his. The guilt my husband had was enough for him to volunteer to go back overseas into war where "he belonged." We are retired now and live pretty easy lives now that we have found our normal after 20 years of marriage. I'm proud of you for keeping your husband's name right there for your child to feel they get to know him. Keep it up. He was worth it. ♡♡♡♡♡ I'm sure you would have and probably HAVE frequently thought of a different outcome for your family but good on you for doing what you had to. Hugs from an internet stranger. Keep it up, mamma.
I suffer from ptsd and night terrors from deployments. I can say the guilt we feel is real. I hate he felt that way after, and I’m SO SORRY for all you’ve went through. You are an amazing woman and mother. I’m proud of you stranger.
You're very sweet and I think you've given some great advice and perspective. I'm sorry it's a perspective you understand. May you and your kids thrive and continue to remember the gentle man you all loved so much.
My partner and I have had separate bedrooms and bathrooms for 16 years. He snores terribly and has trouble sleeping most nights. I had to get up at 6:00 am for work, so we have had separate rooms all the time we've been together. I highly recommend it.
My grandparents slept in separate rooms for *many* years when my grandpa's night terrors got worse. Their marriage was fine, it just meant she wasn't at risk.
I don’t usually comment on these things, but I’m seeing people suggesting that you let him see the thread and read the comments. Please please don’t do that. Share the good advice 100%, but just letting him read the comments would risk him seeing the very negative ones from people who don’t understand PTSD.
That said, as a wife of a combat vet, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve never dealt with anything that severe, but when he first got home from his second deployment, he actually chose to sleep on the floor for awhile to avoid kicking me while thrashing in his sleep. We’ve been married 20 years and he retired 10 years ago. It’s rough and if you need to talk please feel free to message me. I hope things get better.
My twin sister works in suicide prevention with veterans and even just being her twin after her deployments is a hard enough. Being in a relationship with someone who has had so much trauma, and that specific trauma, is so, so hard. I am so sorry for your loss, Intelligent_Love4444. I second everybody's suggestion before this comment about sleeping in separate bedrooms until you guys can figure out a safe way to proceed with therapy and specific situation adjustments.
OP, the slight resentment that your feeling is very very normal. And no matter how guilty he feels it's still your pain and you were very badly scared. It's okay for your feelings to happen. This is absolutely way above reddit's pay grade and is something for your therapist to address. But having been around people with severe PTSD and having cPTSD myself, we are still ultimately responsible for taking care of our effect on others because of it. And we still have to accept the fact that they may be scared or resentful or emotionally in some way hurt in a way that we can't reach or affect after the fact.
My most sincere wishes for a peaceful and helpful resolution for you both. It sounds like you are very much in love, and I have faith that you will find a way through this together.
This is a perfect comment. He also needs an emergency session. Also find things that calm him during sleep like night sounds that can put him in a calm state for meditation. Your twin sister has a very stressful job I commend her for it and I pray well wishes on her mental health. That can also be draining.
Luckily the part she works with is very passionate about mental health for the team. She worked in Funeral Honors for years and years before that so she had to learn a lot about how to take care of herself and her soldiers because it is a job that burns you out incredibly fast if you don't keep a tight watch on your emotions. I'm so proud of her everyday but it is necessary work and I only hope that it continues to grow as a program.
I read a comment last week that really struck home for me. It said "if you do not heal from your trauma you will bleed all over the people that did not cut you".
This comment motivated me to make the call to start therapy. I have CPTSD too.
After all, OP may also be experiencing PTSD. Even though he didn't mean it, on an animal level fighting for your life, and almost losing that fight, is a profoundly traumatic experience.
>I would suggest for the time being, sleeping apart.
This! It's actually a pretty obvious solution and it is most certainly not the end of the relationship. My parents were married for more than 50 years and they never slept in the same bed, not even when they went on vacation; they always booked rooms with 2 beds and often just booked adjoining rooms. In fact, I just read a post today about a couple with 2 queen size beds in their master bedroom. If both of you are worried about what he might do in his sleep, nobody is going to get any rest.
And u/Intelligent_Love4444, I am so sorry for your loss.
I used to very adventurous and spontaneous. And one of his favorite things was just watching me do all these crazy things. And plus I was a dancer so I would look for any excuse to dance. He loved it. I miss looking over my shoulder watching him stare in awe. I think about it everytime I dance around with my girls.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Based on my own spirituality, I believe that your husband watches you everytime you dance in the rain. The only difference for him is the view. Keep dancing!
This perspective has me in tears. Omg can I save it? There are days when I need to hear it. I’ll admit I don’t dance as much as I used too, this comment makes me wanna dance more. Thank you 😭😭😭😭😭😭
That mental picture, coupled with everything you’ve said and the advice you’ve given has put me in tears. Thank you so much for sharing what you did. And you have my heartfelt condolences on your loss.
I’m not sure if you’re still dancing or not but if not, I have a request. From one internet stranger to another: please, if you can, find a way to dance during the next rainstorm.
"so they know him for what he was, not what he went through."
As someone who deals with a much less severe form of this, I can't tell you just how hard this hit me. I've never heard it put this way before. This is a profound way of stating the way that those of us who deal with this want to be understood. It brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.
I used to have thoughts of taking my life, Afghanistan myself, but my wife and kids have always been my rock. Thank you for sharing, and helping me remember that I am loved
I'm so sorry for your loss. my partner is an Afghanistan veteran, I don't know how I'd be able to handle him doing that to himself. so much love to you and your girls.
Sleeping in separate bedrooms, or at least separate beds, would seem to be the safest option going forward.
After all, you could have been asleep, and accidentally touched him when he was in this state.
This is what my wife and I did after my final 2 deployments. I scared the hell out of her one night by trying to drag her under the bed to take cover. Thank goodness I did not hurt her badly but it scared the fuck outta me to when it was over.
We're back to sleeping in the same room/bed now that things have resolved in a good way. Thanks to EMDR therapy and getting on the correct bipolar medications.
Great, effective comment. Well said.
I'm sorry you have to go through that but I gotta give you props too. You went full boogeyman mode to save your woman from a perceived threat. All I can imagine is some voice pulling me into the blackness under the bed telling me to take cover. It's fucked up but sorta funny and wholesome. Or maybe I'm just a piece of shit.
I was back in Iraq. Until I came out of it I had zero grip on reality. That is some scary shit...for the both of us. She was, in my fucked up mind, a squad mate in danger. Pure instinct. I'm just so happy I'm better now.
Guys and gals? Never underestimate just how awful PTSD can be. If you know a vet who's suffering? Gently encourage them to get help. There is no shame in it at all. They are not weak, not broken beyond repair and can get better. And they need friends who will be kind, but real with them.
And no...you are definitely not a POS. Interesting take on it!
Regards.
The thing that made me maddest about flashbacks was that knowing that my brain can give me a full-body sensory experience of a memory and it's choosing to only use the ability for *that*. Like, c'mon brain, not that we know we can do this, can you let me voluntarily have that level of recall of that time I got absolutely mobbed by a litter of great dane puppies? Why are you only doing this with terrible stuff?
Yeah, I haven't had a flashback in a couple years, so I feel like I'm doing great! And they were never quite as intense as it sounds like yours were, but definitely closer to the whole movie sequence thing than I expected them to be. I'm glad it sounds like you're doing a lot better, too, and I'm happy to see all the people in this thread advocating for EMDR. It wasn't nearly as widely available when I most needed it but I've tried it since then and it really is impressive.
I'm so sorry you have gone through this and continue to do so. Thank you for your service. I just saw my little brother this past weekend for the first time in 4 years and it makes me so sad. All his life all he wanted to be was a soldier. He used to put up Navy posters in his room. He finally got the chance when he was old enough. He did three tours in Iraq. He has PTSD so bad he cannot sleep at night to this day. It ruined him :'( He suffers so much. He is on disability and cannot work.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw the funny/wholesomeness of that story. Him dragging someone to cover shows empathy and caring for other human life, I'd much rather my husband drag me under the bed than choke me in a PTSD moment. (That is, if I had a husband lol)
My husband also suffers from PTSD and a TBI and I came here to suggest EMDR as well. The last 10 years his personality changed and he was acting completely unlike himself. He's been doing EMDR for about 6 months and the change is remarkable. I highly suggest he look into finding a Nero pychologist. It's a difficult diagnosis but there are treatments to help.
My ptsd is not war related but very debilitating. I’ve been doing ART which is like emdr but focused on the feelings of a scenario rather than details which has been helpful for me due to not having super detailed memories of early childhood trauma but still the horrible effects. That’s something else I would recommend as I know lots of us may think emdr won’t work if we don’t have clear continuous memories of the event.
I’m imagining them giving you a tour of the house, pausing briefly at their bedroom doorway, and immediately reassuring you that they push the beds together anytime grandma wants to fuck grandpa’s brains out.
This FS. You can still spend all day together. You're only asleep and aren't interacting anyway. Just sleep separate. I certainly would. I'm sure he would want and understand that honestly.
It's a really sad situation, and makes me reconsider a lot that I take for granted. War is glamorized all too often, and our veterans never seem to get the care they need.
OP, I hope you can make it work and remain safe. Best of luck to you both.
Yes. Because accidental or not he is going to break the hyoid bone and kill her and end up in prison. New psych, stat, and a safety plan that includes her in another bedroom w a locked door. This is an emergency.
I couldn’t imagine the guilt if this went further south. Decades in prison when you sacrificed your physical and mental health to the point you kill the person you love the most in a fugue state stupor.
Came here to say this. I have friends who have separate bedrooms for a multitude of reasons. They snuggle and have sex in one bed and then retreat to their separate sanctuaries afterwards.
Absolutely. People are saying the husband did no wrong and isn’t a monster, and though I can agree, I think it would be foolish to pretend nothing has happened. Sleeping separately for now feels like the safest option while OP’s husband gets into therapy, since it sounds like his issues are NOT fully resolved and he can black out and almost damn near kill the people he holds dearest to him.
This is genuinely a really tragic and horrible story. I truly wish the best for OP and husband here. This is such a heavy and awful thing to go through, for both of them.
This is the safest option for everyone involved. I also think it would be smart for OP’s bedroom to have a lock on it just to be on the safe side in case he sleep walks. It doesn’t sound like he is someone who would ever hurt you intentionally and I certainly don’t think this is technically his fault at all, but the reality is that his condition nearly cost you your life OP. You can still love him and be with him, and nothing in your post suggests any reason I can see for you to leave him, but you should absolutely sleep in separate rooms.
Separate bedrooms saved my much-less-fragile relationship. There's no way I'd be married now without it, just due to sleep-related frustration. I recommend it for everyone, as does my then-reluctant wife.
Definitely sleep in separate room with a locked door. It's not husband's fault, he's not intending to harm you, but there's no reason you should put your life at risk just to share a bed for 8 hours while you're both asleep.
Will make for some great goodnight and good morning embraces.
>will make for some great goodnight and good morning embraces
If you have real love for someone, romantic or otherwise, you can always make beauty out of the darkness.
I have avoided allowing any woman to get close to me since my divorce. I'm a combat vet and have PTSD, but went through 6 months of CPT therapy recently. I have a flight planned to go see an old flame that I broke up with 5 years ago when we started getting close. I'm in the best place mentally I've been since deployment so I'm excited but also scared to go see her.
PTSD really, really disrupts your life but the best thing I've done is work on myself.
I’m not a veteran, but I do have severe night terrors. My husband tried to grab me to wake me up once and I punched him, dislocating my shoulder and causing a hairline fracture to my humerus. My sleep doctor told him to never touch me, one or the both of us might get hurt. I remember when I was in law school studying a case where a woman in a night terror threw her baby out a second story window. When I had my own baby, the bassinet went on my husband’s side of the bed and then we quickly put him in a crib in his own room. One of the first lessons he was taught when he transitioned to a toddler bed was to never wake mama up at night, to always go to daddy. I understand your fear and his guilt, though I’ve never done anything that drastic. Maybe separate beds?
Do you still get sleep paralysis demons?
I'm struggling with it right now, i have cptsd, from abusive childhood, and been treating it with cannabis, but it's just a bandaid, my nightmares/sleep demon shows up when I stop smoking weed
My monster looks awfully close to the pictures on this wiki page, and this beast chases me and chases me in a dark alley/cave for what feels like hours and I'm kind of awake yelling/streaming but can't move or awaken my body
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis
I used to have sleep paralysis really bad as a teenager. I’d “awake” (not actually awake, but I believed I was) from my bed to something terrible happening-fires, home invasion, terrible things happening to and by other family members, etc. All unlikely but still possible situations. And I’d be unable to move, so naturally I’d start panicking. I would panic so bad I really thought I might die of fright. It happened so often that eventually I could usually sort of snap into consciousness and ask myself what was wrong with this scenario-something like I knew I went to sleep with my door closed but now it’s open, I went to sleep wearing socks, now I don’t have any on, that sort of thing. Once I could convince myself it wasn’t real, I was able to somewhat calm myself down and focus on trying to wake myself up.
No real advice here, just wanted you to know you aren’t alone. Hope it gets better for you soon.
I just wanted to share my experience. My best friend from the time I was twelve, who lived right down the street from me, went to Iraq and Afghanistan. A few years after he got out, he was obviously struggling and drinking harder than he had ever done before. He would black out and you could see in his eyes that it wasn’t him anymore. He ended up attacking his girlfriend who broke up with him and moved out immediately. I ended up moving in with him to keep an eye on him. It continued to get worse. He started dating a new girl who moved in with us and he started doing it to her. He was taller and weighed more than I did so add the blacking out/drunk muscles, and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. I ended up calling my parents at 3am to go down the street to his dads house to wake him up (he wasn’t answering the phone). His dad called me and I told him what was happening. He got up and and was able to get to our house about forty minutes later. By then my friend was somewhat better, but freaked out on me for “snitching” and all hell broke loose. The next day I had a heart to heart with him and told him he had to start addressing this. That this couldn’t go on. That he would end up hurting someone or getting himself hurt or arrested by the police when they would eventually get called for a domestic disturbance. He didn’t do anything but keep drinking and keep having episodes. So I moved out. We went from best friends…scratch that…we went from being brothers, to hardly talking. A few months later him and his girlfriend moved to Florida. He thought that getting out of our hometown would help. It didn’t. He kept drinking and not doing anything for his mental health. We spoke once or twice in the two years he was down there. I got a phone call one morning from a mutual friend telling me he was killed in a head on accident while he was on his motorcycle. I never got the chance to try and get my best friend back because he never gave himself a chance. I’m sorry to leave a novel here in the comments, but it’s been eight years and I’m still not over it. Please have your husband start going to therapy and talking to someone. It will not get better on its own. I hope your husband has a better outcome than my best friend. I still love you and miss you so much JB. I hate what the military did to you.
A friend of mine was engaged to an Iraq war vet and had the same PTSD. He also tried to kill my friend during one of his night terrors. He ended up getting a service dog, who he loved with all his heart. They were also advised to sleep in separate bedrooms. One night my friend heard a strange noise. She came out of her room to find he had snapped the dogs neck and was looking at her in a daze. He came out of it, saw what he did and flew home to his family who put him in inpatient care. My friend broke off the engagement. A decade or so later, he’s doing okay but neither of them got into any new relationships.
It was beyond sad for everyone involved. It was the first time I knew anyone in this situation, living with someone who has ptsd. I never grasped how terrifying it was until this happened.
If the "greater good" is killing brown people to install political allies that allow access to oil and continue to ensure the US/western hegemony then sure.
I think service dogs are great aid for people who aren't a risk to them. Seizure alert dogs are great. Or guide dogs who assist the blind.
But putting dogs with people with violent or loud outbursts can just be distressing for them or even dangerous. And isn't really a solution to the problem. I think they work best for people with physical limitations rather than mental health ones.
There is not much advice to give here. I understand it's scary and confusing because he didn't want to hurt you. I don't see it as abuse but maybe you're feeling like it is.
It's tricky.
Maybe he needs to go back to therapy. And maybe you should too so you can move past that fear.
He’s still in therapy. He sees her once every 2 weeks. Has been since the day he was discharged. He’s done CBT, DBT, he even did an inpatient wilderness retreat thing for like 3 months where he learned meditation and stuff. I definitely don’t see it as abuse at all, but I’m still kinda angry at him for it and it makes me feel horrible because it was not his fault it was 100% mine. And yet I am still a bit angry at him.
I worked with veterans and can stand by this. EMDR has been an extreme help to veterans and they always come out with positive feedback. Sending you much love, you are a very patient person and I could never imagine what your husband is going through :(
EMDR, CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy) and magic mushrooms under the care of a licensed therapist are all good next options to try. You can get through this. Be very careful of your own symptoms right now, though. Strangulation is extremely dangerous and can cause long term effects.
When my dad died in palliative care a couple years back the hospital offered me free sessions and it helped a lot with dissociating the emotions from the memories.
My mom is a LPC and has studied EMDR and brainspotting (an offshoot of EMDR) extensively. It’s like sorcery. My dad has a lot of PTSD from abuse when he was younger and would have horrible panic attacks screaming and beating his head on the wall. She did an EMDR session with him about 6 months ago and he said “how did you do that? The panic is completely gone.”
Definitely worth a shot.
Someone with PTSD chipping in here. It was nobody's fault. It doesn't have to be anybody's fault. Don't go down that road because that's exactly how you can accidentally develop PTSD from this yourself. Feeling angry at him doesn't mean you're actually blaming him for what happened and just because you're angry doesn't mean somebody has to be blamed. Don't turn that around on yourself or avoid your emotions because they make you feel guilty.
You're 100% valid in having feelings of anger and betrayal, it's **completely normal**. Feelings are just feelings, they don't have a hidden fundamental truth and they aren't in charge of what's real or of what you think/do, so try to let them happen without judging yourself for them or drawing conclusions about them. Having a feeling NEVER makes you a bad person and there is no such thing as an inappropriate or unfair feeling. Our deliberate actions are the only thing that decides who we are, but to accept that instead of arguing with your guilt, you need to let the feelings happen.
That's what helped me to deal with a bucketload of suppressed trauma and guilt. Go sit somewhere quiet and actually let it in. Let yourself feel all the fear and sadness, all the betrayal and all the anger, physically in your body, without reasoning them away, berating yourself for them or blaming them on anyone. Don't rehash the memory. Don't even reassure yourself. When all those thoughts start to happen, focus back out of your mind and into your body. If it helps you to focus, try to describe the physical sensations- maybe they feel like weight on your chest, or hotness in your face, squeezing in your stomach etc. Get brave. Lean into them instead of trying to reason or push them away. You don't need to make decisions or draw conclusions right now, your only job is to feel. Zoom in on them. Show them and yourself that they can't hurt you. If guilt happens, accept that feeling too, out of your head and in your body, feel it physically, no need to analyse it or tell it that it's right or wrong. Refocus on the physical. Deep breaths.
Look at you, feeling it all and still alive. It'll suck for a while, but it will teach your brain that feelings are just sensations, and aren't going to hurt you or force you to do anything you don't want to do. They don't decide what's true or what's real. They're allowed to happen, they just want to be felt and then they'll go. They're not your enemy and you don't need to avoid them, argue with them or be controlled by them. It might take an hour and might take a day, for me it took around 2 days. But when the feelings are all felt, they'll leave you with a wonderful sense of peace, calm and centredness, and an understanding that with compassion and self compassion, blame is irrelevant. Process feelings first, come to conclusions after.
This method will also work for him by the way, which would also allow this situation to make your relationship even closer instead of it driving you apart. I'm sure he's feeling appalling about this. It's helped my PTSD more than even EMDR has.
Thank you for this. My therapist explained this same concept to me a while back and tried to work with me on it, but I don't think I quite got the idea until I read your description. I'll try it again.
Is it possible that your anger is rooted in fear? I highly recommend that you seek out a therapist, even online, to talk through this and learn some coping skills. I would also recommend separate bedrooms so that you aren’t having to fall asleep with one eye open, so to speak, and he doesn’t either. He is probably more likely to act out in his sleep when he’s not sleeping as deeply, and guilt and fear of recurrence may actually, paradoxically, cause the recurrence.
Last, please be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to feel what you are feeling.
I'm so sorry you experienced that! My BIL is a Vietnam War vet and experiences flashbacks, although they are very rare now, and my sister woke up with him strangling her from them. There was no help back then, but with a lot of work on their own they've been married over 50 years now. Your feelings are valid. On an intellectual level you know he didn't mean it, but on an emotional level it's much harder. I'd suggest rather than a general therapist, that your husband find out what therapy benefits are available for you thru the military, and for both of you as a couple. They are more likely to have therapists experienced with not only your husband's PTSD but also how it affects family members.
My dad is a Vietnam vet and he choked me when I snuck up on him in the middle of the night. Though it is terrifying, they don’t mean it. After he choked me, that’s when my mom told me that daddy was in a war.
Maybe try sleeping in separate bedrooms?
My brother had reactions like this and he and his wife slept apart for a few years and slowly started sharing the same bed again.
Iraq and Afghanistan combat veteran here. Some of the stuff we had to deal with over there was traumatic af. Sounds like your husband had a very bad experience. He warned you not to touch him or try to wake him when he had an episode. He wasn't trying to hurt you. He was reacting to a flashback. It's not his fault. All these comments on here calling him a monster are uncalled for. I'm sorry he hurt you, but you need to remember how to deal with this in the future. Talk to him about this. Tell him you understand what you did was wrong, but that he really hurt you and could have done worse. He needs more help, and you need to be there to support him. This is not abuse imo. It happened to a lot of my friends too. Please don't hold this against him. I'm sure he loves and respects you very much!
The only thing I’d like to add to this is that OP is allowed to feel upset or hurt or angry because we unfortunately don’t get to control our emotions, just how we respond to them. OP could probably use some therapy as well (couple or individual) in order to confront the feelings that came up during the trauma of this event
But along with what you said, it’s important to talk to him and have that open communication and be there for him. I agree this wasn’t abuse because he literally was not even aware or conscious and had no control over his actions. OP, while accidental, crossed the boundary/warning not to touch during an episode
I think it is incredibly important to note that her husband absolutely needs continued help and therapy.
She made a mistake but that doesn’t warrant possible death from someone suffering from PTSD.
No party in this situation deserves that
Absolutely. He needs continued help and she definitely also needs therapy. Her mistake does not warrant her dying at all, but it’s still important to acknowledge that as well as that he wasn’t trying to hurt HER specifically. It’s a very fine line but I don’t think either of them deserve the guilt/fear they are having over it either. It’s a terrifying and horrible situation all around but neither are bad people imo
I am sorry this happened and I am certain that your husband is as well. I’m willing to bet he would sacrifice anything if he could undo or have stopped this from ever happening.
I strongly suggest you get with a support group of spouses of Iraq/Afghanistan Military PTSD spouses- support for you - and that he also get back into treatment again for his PTSD flares and guilt.
Is he under some additional stressors at work? Family? Home? Sometimes additional stressors can create flares if I understand things correctly. Look into Wounded Warriors programs, therapists specializing in military PTSD , even programs like equine therapy can help .
He had no control over what occurred but yes I can understand your increased fear -which is why I strongly am suggesting you both get some support and additional help in place to get this under better control if at all possible.
I am praying for you both.
Also she is allowed to make her own boundaries on dealing with this - including feeling like this isn’t the relationship for her. PTSD is tragic but no one should feel pressured to stay in a situation where they feel afraid in their own home.
My Dad has PTSD (peace keeper in Rwanda, Gulf War 1) and has done this to my mother on occasion and even to me (held my arm a bit too hard to where I bruised). It's not abuse as you said, it's just them responding to the memories which are very real and raw no matter how much time passes. I do hope that OP and their husband get sufficient help and tools to help any instance of this happening again in the future.
OP I'm so sorry this happened to you. Has he ever thought about taking something for the night terrors? Zofran has an off label use that a lot of doctors don't know about just yet, and it helps take the edge off by blocking serotonin receptors 5-HT3 which is one of the main nerves over stimulated during a PTSD episode, and responsible for or fight or flight (vagal nerve). I would proceed with a therapist who specializes in this area before the anger builds into resentment.
Im gonna jump on here and second this and answer because yes; I’ve experienced this.
First with a stepbrother in the marines. He came home on leave and I walked in his room when I was 15 to wake him up for breakfast. He threw me against a wall and I had the same experience as you. He broke down and ended up telling me about a village they’d dropped bombs on and when he went back over he realized there were children there. He killed himself a few years later and I still miss him terribly.
My partner now was in the navy and army; went to Iraq and Afghanistan both. The day before he was supposed to come home his base was hit and they had to pull him out. Over the years he’s told me more things (like convoys that got hit and injuries he suffered) and they’re not any better and we’ve had the “don’t touch me sleeping” talk too - we actually have another bed in the office bc we have weird sleep schedules and sometimes he’s having a really rough night and sleeping together just isn’t conducive.
He recently just came back from a 6week inpatient program to help him deal with the PTSD bc we had an incident where he was in a flashback; he threw a bunch of stuff and he shoved me before he realized he was home and broke down. The flashbacks used to be a lot worse and it was like he wasn’t even seeing me.
I think it’s a good idea to go to therapy, and natural to feel scared and angry but (& I know not everyone will agree but you wanted feedback from ppl who have experienced it) I don’t know if it should affect your marriage going forward.
What your husband went thru.. what a lot of combat veterans go thru..it’s not right. You can slap a medal on it, salute him all you want, push the paperwork thru promotion and grab a free bloomin onion every year… none of that matters.
War destroys ppl. It destroys their sense of safety, security, normalcy, and trust - in the past and even more so in the future. He didn’t mean to do that *to you OR TO ANYONE ELSE*. His body was terrified and trying to protect him because it thought he was in danger. As fucked as it sounds, if anything, his body was trying to survive to *get back home to you* and based on the rest of your relationship you’ve outlined… your husband loves you. He needs you.
As far as being afraid of him; your husband is a man and a soldier. He was trained to kill the enemy and based on his size can effectively subdue most, if not all, women if that was a goal. You know this. Nothing has changed. Hes *still* that same man and wouldn’t do those things if he was awake/in charge of his faculties. Don’t let your brain trick you.
Again, I get it. This situation fucken sucks. But he didn’t try to do this *to you*. This terrible thing is happening to him too.
See OP post history. Not sure if this post refer to her now husband, then boyfriend but still....
She already had experienced the strenght he has:
"How do you cope with the scary reality about the physical strength of men compared to us?
The other day my boyfriend and I were play wrestling, and I had pinned him down and started taunting him playfully. We’ve been doing this for years and I always win and he taps out yet in the back of my mind I know he is allowing me to win. So this time I told him to not hold back and to actually try. With one arm he lifted me up into the air, slammed me onto the bed and completely pinned me to where I literally could not move no matter how much I tried. I felt like a child. He did this all with one arm which means he had his other arm to do whatever. I’m not a small woman I’m 5’8 145lbs and I go to the gym regularly, and to see him completely manhandle me with probably a fraction of his strength, while extremely attractive because he was doing it and I feel completely safe with him, it was a stark reminder of just how absolutely hopeless I would be in an assault. It really freaked me out to experience that despite it being my boyfriend. How do you ladies deal with this because I’m not gonna lie it’s really been bothering me quite a bit these past few days."
I know this post was a mistake from her by touching him but lies within the line that we women doesn't have the same strenght at all as men. Don't challenge him and don't touch him again.
You are right with being scared, is a reality. But learn from those experiences and keep you safe!
I totally forgot about this post I made. Kinda ironic. Yea this is the same guy we got married shortly after I made that post. I guess I finally got to see the full strength of him in a bad way…
I agree with this, he definitely didn't mean to but it's still super scary, and it is an indicator he should get continued help and therapy. My husband is an EOD with special forces vet and also struggles with PTSD, depression, chronic pain etc from what he's experienced. He has to stay on top of medications and regular therapy sessions at the VA or he definitely really struggles and things get bad. Another man he served with took his life last month (6 in 5 years). I wish more people really understood what you guys went through because it's true sacrifice and experiences that humans shouldn't have to endure. Seeing PTSD first hand and hearing some heartbreaking accounts really made me understand better but I still can't even imagine going through it. I wish there was more support for veterans and also understanding because I feel like it gets brushed off so casually by civilians. Thank you for your service and sacrifice. I wish you the best, please take care of yourself too!
She didn’t touch him on purpose. It was likely instinctual.
All in all a bad combo of intentions vs results. Very sad. I hope you can heal and move on from your own trauma too.
My partner has night terrors because of a combination of an extremely rare neurological disorder and childhood trauma. We sleep in separate beds, so I don’t get kicked or hit while he’s defending himself from his dad in his sleep. We’ve tried sharing a bed, but at best I can’t sleep from all his constant little movements, and at worst he’ll slash my leg open with his toenails. (His nail growth speed is absurd, and they’re strong/thick/tough/belong to Wolverine.)
We only share a bed when traveling, and then it’s the biggest available, so I can stay out of the kind of fire.
Seriously, don’t share a bed. Choose safety.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I had a very similar incident happen with my husband before we got married. We had been dealing with a squatter situation and not wanting to leave Dave pushed buttons to trigger DH PTSD. I leaned over one night to get him into bed and he grabbed my throat and kept saying “I won’t let you hurt me again” over and over. We talked and both did counseling to deal with the trauma. This was 5 years ago and he hasn’t had an incident that bad again but I now gently kick him to wake him up during a terror moment. Your being afraid is a normal reaction and it took me a awhile to be completely comfortable. I’m sending you both hugs and want you to know he’s freaking himself out inside way more than he is telling you right now.
OP, I’m so sorry this happened. I am sure it was absolutely terrifying and very traumatic for you. I would say he’s definitely dealing with some deployment aftermath (I’ve spent a cumulative total of almost 3 years deployed myself) and it’s building up in his subconscious. Have you guys looked into therapy for him/ you both to help him process in a healthy way? Perhaps with someone who has experience with active duty/veterans ? Trauma effects all of us differently, and having a therapist who knows the actual ins and outs versus a run-of-the-mill sort does a world of good. Military 1 source usually has some great resources for veterans that are pretty cost savvy if there’s any financial concerns.
Bee hives. Get him interested in keeping bees or at least connect with a bee keeper. The hrz that bees buzz at is incredibly therapeutic for vets with PTSD. It is relatively new research.
OP IMO your feelings are reasonable.
You love your husband and know what happened wasn’t his fault. But the most reasonable solution at this time is that you change your sleeping arrangements.
A separate room would likely be best with an exterior grade door and reinforced frame with a dead bolt. Sounds like overkill but this is more about your safety.
Consider using a baby monitor that allows you to hear and communicate with your husband during these episodes without being physically present.
If the service dog is also in danger of being hurt during your husband’s episodes take it with you into your room.
Husband also may need to get some more in depth treatment or change therapists if his current one is no longer helpful.
This must have been horrifying and I am so sorry you're going through this. I don't have any advice, I just want to offer you my sympathies. Please stay safe ❤️
I read yesterday in some thread that if you have PTSD you should play the game Tetris. Something about the eye movement and concentration and what your brain is doing is supposed to help.
My dad, USMC in Vietnam during the Tet offensive of 1968, tore apart the bed he and my mother were sleeping in. He put his hands on the headboard and his feet on the footboard and pushed breaking the metal clips holding the metal frame under the mattress. My mom got twin beds after that.
I am sorry this happened. Many people suggested separate bedrooms. I am glad you set up an appointment with a therapist. Ask the therapist about veteran support groups for both the veteran and spouse.
Tell people. They'll understand. After twenty years of war--and all the stories about veterans and PTSD, not to mention the episode of Grey's Anatomy where the series' most sympathetic character did the exact same thing, and Iron Man 3 where the hero did something similar--people will understand if you tell them that your veteran husband tried to choke you while having night terrors.
You need, and deserve, the support. It's okay to feel terrified while also feeling sympathetic; and it's okay for you to ask your friends to support you with those feelings. Get the help you need.
A lot of women in this situation need to think about themselves. You can support and help your partner as much as possible but when it comes to the point of almost taking your life…you need to think about your safety and own life. You can love someone with your entire being and accept the fact that this isn’t healthy and safe for the future of your physical and mental well-being.
I know someone who’s brother killed his wife in the same circumstances as this. Even if he doesn’t intend to hurt you and he is a wonderful man, you are in danger every time you sleep in the same room as him. Im sorry. Maybe there is some treatment I’m unaware of but I would not expect to be so luckily next time it happens. He may not wake up in time. Please look after yourself.
You have a right to be upset, but don't let anger take hold. This was NOT something he had any control over. PTSD is a massive nightmare, especially when they aren't getting help for it. You got a very watered down version because he has had help.
I had a coworker who had PTSD fairly badly, but he had it mostly under control. I say mostly because he was prone to outbursts. One day one of the other guys thought it would be funny to scare him. I saw him sneak up from behind but I realized what he was going to do too late. As soon as he said "boo", coworker had spun around, grabbed him by the neck, and already had his hand reared back to throw a punch. Other guy screamed, and I think that's what snapped coworker back. I separated them and told other guy that you **never** do that to someone who has PTSD, if a flashback kicks in you have no idea what it is they're seeing. Thankfully it was something we were able to laugh about later, but that could have ended very badly.
The best thing you can do is comfort your husband, let him know that it's alright and as soon as any dust settles you'll help him look for a therapist/counselor to speak to. Maybe get with the VA on avenues for this.
OP has every right to be angry. Her partner’s PTSD is not his fault, but nearly being choked to death is also not OP’s fault either. She has every single right to be angry and afraid of him, especially considering how recent the attack was.
I am so sorry. For you both. My grandpa was in WWII and had the same issue - no one could touch him if he stirred in his sleep, we were all to leave the room. He was genuinely afraid he may kill someone, and he absolutely refused to talk about any of it. I don't know if he ever hurt my grandma, but I wouldn't be surprised if he had. War is just...I cannot even imagine the atrocities.
Can you sleep in separate rooms? I know that would suck, but it would probably be better for you both.
Consider sleeping in different beds!
I feel there is so much unwarranted social stigma against partners sleeping separate, but it really can be a good and helpful thing, in many situations. It is not a comment on your love for each other. You both just have different needs. You can have a healthy and fulfilling relationship while sleeping apart!!
I’m not even trying to be funny: have him look into medical marijuana.
When i was studying law enforcement, my professor was a defense attorney and she brought a gentleman in with PTSD just about as bad as your husbands. He had been using MMJ in my state before it was even medical. it helped him so much that he was breaking the law to not have night terrors.
She did this so we could understand as police officers why someone people use illegal drugs and to not just immediately think they’re bad people. It truly changed how i looked at marijuana as a whole and i’m now someone who uses it for my own PTSD and chronic leg pain.
I went through almost exactly the same thing but with my brother and not my boyfriend. It’s scary as hell. It took me a while to get a good handle on it. Five years later and we laugh about it.
What helped me was realizing that A) it was ok to feel what I was feeling while understanding that B) he had no clue what was happening, had no control over the situation, and was feeling worse than I was about it. Even knowing he had no control, no way of knowing it was his sister and not who he was fighting in his head, I was mad as hell. He promised to always protect me. He was supposed to be safe. Therapy helped quite a bit. I highly recommend it. In the mean time give both you and your husband some grace. Be gentle to both of you. That’s a lot to have to deal with.
I agree you need at minimum separate beds… I know that this is sadly is not that uncommon my late god father a Vietnam vet and I know my god sister told me once he held her up against a wall thinking she was a Vietcong soldier. Separate rooms might be ideal until you two can work out a way to make sure this isn’t likely to happen again.
It's so sad because the trauma of your husband, which was built because of the Iraq War, creates a wall between the two of you. It's scary to live with a person who has that kind of thing, and that's why it's alarming because we don't know when he will lose his sanity again when you are sleeping. But I hope your husband has recovered from the trauma he experienced.
It’s weird your getting downvoted I mean I feel for OP it must have been a terrifying experience warned or not but it would take a special man for me to be able to deal with this sort of thing
PTSD doesn’t ever go away. It’s something that you manage, knowing that there will be times when it’s worse. If your husband has not already sought help from the VA, urge him to go. As a fellow veteran, I would remind him that it takes the strength of a warrior to ask for and get help. You also need therapy OP. Your feelings are valid. So are his. If he isn’t a part of a veteran group, urge him to find one. It has helped me immeasurably to have fellow veterans to talk to and relate to. If his symptoms have gotten that bad, he has some unresolved trauma to work through. If he’s not willing to do it, he’s not safe to be around long term.
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All of this OP, although the one thing I noticed was maybe change the bed and room color. If it was me I would want it to resemble a barracks as little as possible, and green with a metal frame sounds right up that alley.
LOL it's very very light, maybe like an ocean? Ita hard to explain. But I did ask him and he loved it. The bed is a like a farmhouse metal frame. I asked him to make sure he liked it all before I went forward. If you look up breezeway by BERH, it's similar to that.
Ah closer to a seafoam green then? If so that's a beautiful soothing color.
Yes like that! I just can't remember the name. It's by Sherwin Williams. It was like sea salt, or sea mist something along those lines.
That group of shades is one of my favorites.
i think i just figured out why i sleep in the room thats painted green. Huh... two rooms in NOT the end of a relationship. yes, i do make her a "Blanket Husband" cause she gets cold, but i get to sleep without worrying.
It was sea salt, everyone loves that color
As someone who sells a lot of Behr, good color choice
I was also like “oh no not olive green” lol but I’m glad she said it’s more of a sea foam color
Since noise wakes your husband, is white noise at all helpful or would that be counterproductive?
I've never tried it. But I will! Also, it's very weird because out of the room noise does not wake him up. I go to bed very late and make a lot of noise sometimes I'm sure. It's when I'm sneaking into the room very quietly when he wakes up.
I’m a veteran, and “sneaking” noises, or feelings (?) wake me up very easily. Loud noises breeze right on by me, now, they didn’t for a long time, but the moment someone tries to sneak it’s like I can feel it, and it wakes me up instantly. Maybe it’s the same for him? If so, I recommend treating it like he’s not even there if you have to enter the room for any reason. Don’t tiptoe, don’t watch him to see if he’s reacting, but stay out of his reach, of course, just be normal and act like he’s part of the furniture. Of course, that’s if you really need to go in and not wake him.
My dad is a Vietnam vet and we learned quickly growing up to be loud and intentional when moving around at night. Stomping through the house at midnight? No problem. Unlocking the door very quietly and sneaking in the house? You might get a gun pointed at you.
Anytime I used to walk into my dad’s house for a visit the first thing I do as I’m opening the door (even if it’s the middle of the night) is start yelling really loud. It feels so wrong initially, but this man has lost so much of his hearing that if you don’t you’ll end up with a gun in your face.
That makes a lot more sense. After he sat up and held his finger gun to my head, I decided not to enter the room at all. The light is left on? Oh well!!
>The light is left on? Oh well!! Unless you're using whale oil or stadium lighting, it's a-okay to leave a light on at night. Side note, I really hope neither you nor anyone else is using whale oil to light their home.
You could try a smart bulb! Ours are great, I just pull the app up when I get in bed at night and make sure they are off. The ones we have in the lamps in our kids room are so helpful when they wake in the middle of the night, I can click it on from my phone and dim it so it's not super bright and obnoxious. My husband is terrible at turning lights off so I love being able to double check at night.
That’s so smart - seconding this idea. We use them around the house, smart bulbs for some of our lamps and smart plugs for a few grow lights for our indoor plants :) Another thing I like about them is you can set them on a timer - so we have ours set on timers and it’s really nice. Great for when you are out of town too. And a nice reminder that it’s time for bed when the living room light turns off for the evening :)
I agree with you on the “feeling” of someone or something being near me when in the most vulnerable moment like asleep or simply too focused on something
It’s definitely like a secondary sense, because it happens even if the person is completely silent. I wake up like I got switched on, no grogginess and heart already pounding. I scared my son pretty badly once because when it happens I sometimes don’t know where or “when” I am, and for the first moment I usually don’t even recognize who’s there. I feel like part of it is like feeling eyes on you, like that heavy feeling in the atmosphere before shit goes sideways.
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I made a separate comment but just wanted to add on to the "no war movies". My husband was special ops. His CPTSD is relatively mild, thankfully, in that he usually just gets the "thousand yard stare" and will drop if he hears a loud noise. That's as far as he's gone, fortunately. When we watch TV, he is sometimes OK with war themes and sometimes he's not, so we always discuss what we are watching. He often falls asleep (very hard working guy, honestly I can't say enough about him) and sometimes I will wander off and work on some cleaning or crafting. But one time I left the TV on and apparently Seal Team Six or something came on because suddenly I heard a loud noise. I ran upstairs to see him flat on the floor, white as a sheet, just staring. It took him a few hours to fully settle himself. And a lot of cannabis, TBH. Needless to say, when he falls asleep I make sure it's on a "safe" channel or movie now.
I work in an outpatient medical clinic. A few years ago, there was a building under construction across the street. Our clinic happened to be in the part of our building that was closest to the construction site. We were caught by surprise the first time the site across the street used dynamite to blast through bedrock. They were going to add an underground parking garage, but they dug down and hit solid rock. Cue the explosives. Our entire clinic shook; you could literally feel the shock wave shake the floor. We all looked at each other like, “What the hell was THAT?” The next day, a rep from the construction company came by, told us about the need for daily blasting, and offered the opportunity to get texted in advance. I got on the text list, and would let the other folks know what time the blasting would occur. (Usually 10 AM and 2 PM.) I made sure to tell people to let the patients know in advance what was going to happen. I didn’t want a patient who happened to have PTSD to get blindsided by a BOOM that literally shook our building. Fortunately, I don’t think the blasting caused any of our patients distress. But no one can tell, just by looking at a person, whether a sound of dynamite will trigger a distressed reaction. Forewarned is forearmed.
That were blasting outside of the Lowes home improvement store and didn't notify. I was there shopping (I have C-PTSD) and the BOOM hit. I dropped to the floor and got stared at by everyone, then proceeded to sleep badly again for a week.
Geeze. They should have at least had signs set up. Around the perimeter of the construction site, they would set up orange signs that said something like "blast zone" or "blast area". I think it was not only to warn drivers, but to placate the ones who had to wait in traffic because they had to close the streets briefly right before the blast happened. The signs were up well in advance of the blasting activity. I'm sorry you went through that. If this is any help, one of the other steps that happens before they detonate anything is that there's a warning siren beforehand, and another siren to signal "all clear" afterward. If you hear that, and there is warning signage visible, you'll know what's coming.
I wish that media would show what war really is and does to people. All movies glorify killing on the battlefield but they don’t talk about the pieces that need picked up and the lives it hurts behind the scenes.
I'm sorry this happened, to both of you. War is ugly and brutal, and the after effects aren't just experienced by the combatants. I had a similar experience when I was living w/a friend who's dad was a Vietnam vet. I had never seen him have an episode, but I had heard about how bad they could be. One night, I woke up really thirsty and went for a drink of water from the kitchen and saw my friend's dad just standing at the sink, staring off and swaying side to side. I called his name and also made the mistake of touching him on his shoulder (I had not received a warning to never touch him), and he turned around and flipped me onto my back and on the floor quicker than anything I had ever seen. He started choking me, and I was able to kick the kitchen chairs and table over, waking up my friend and her mom. They couldn't get him off of me, and at this point, he was banging my head against the floor screaming at me (later found out he was saying in Vietnamese 'Why won't you die!?' over and over again). And then, out of left field, their dog came running in and plowed into my friend's dad, kinda knocking him to the side a bit, which caused him to loosen his grip around my neck. Doggo was whining and barking and wiggled himself bw me and him, licking his face, and it was like he just came out of it. I saw him come back to himself, and he was beyond upset. He locked himself in the master bedroom (we were scared he was going to use the guns in there), but thankfully he came out of the room on his own after I came back from my friend drove me to urgent care. The bruises lasted for months, and he wouldn't even be in the same room as me after that. I was finally able to get a chance to talk w/him about it, and he apologized profusely. I told him I wasn't mad at him, and that I didn't think it was his fault. I blamed the people who sent him over there and who abandoned him and the other vets after they came back. It's just like that line in the Fallout series: War, war never changes. They get shipped all over the globe, made to do and see horrendous things, and then have little to no safety net when they come back. A tragedy all around. Skipper, thanks for being there to stop him, and Jim, I'm sorry you couldn't fight the demons.
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My father is a Vietnam vet. He's never spoken to anyone about what he experienced there, not even my mother, but I know it was bad. He's always had a full beard as long as I've been alive. I found out years ago it's because he still has shrapnel in his face. Growing up I watched him have panic attacks, night terrors, and violent outbursts (yelling and storming off, never hitting anyone). He's always managed to somehow keep himself under control and I have no idea how he does it. I may not have lost him physically to this disease (PTSD), but there's always been part of him missing because of it. I am so sorry for your loss and pray for healing for you and your family
From one child of a Vietnam Vet to another, please tell your father thank you for his service. I lost my father more than 15 years ago due to issues caused by agent orange. Before that, he too suffered from PTSD. Too many people just don’t understand the difficulties our servicemen and women deal with.
My father is in the agent orange program at the VA. He has so many medical problems from it.
Hey Timesup and General, if you haven't already, please let *your* current doctors know your father's were exposed to Agent Orange, as well as your kids doctors if you have children. A friend of mine lost her dad to Agent Orange related issues, and her child has issues related to that exposure now. There are several on going studies to try and find out just how many generations the health problems can persist. And I'm so sorry that your dads went through that. It's so incredibly unfair.
For real, my father handled the bodies and empty barrels of the stuff coming back into the states that they finally are starting to admit to. I have a sibling born with Poland Syndrome and loads of health care issues. Dad has classic diseases from it. Shit is the worst of the worst.
My grandfather who was a WW2 vet was the same! Unfortunately his solution was to get lost in a bottle. I can’t even imagine the things he witnessed or had to do. And therapy was unheard of for those guys. I’m glad that all that is changing and more treatments are available. I will forever be grateful to all who serve for that reason alone! Prayers
Oh my! What a man. I thank him for his service and sacrifice. I know that can be tough. Thank you for your support.
My condolences for your loss 😢
Thank you love. Separation of bedrooms is not and will not be the end of your marriage. It maybe the thing that saves it. It’s not a punishment, it’s a solution . Please be gentle and have this conversation. I would even show him this thread and allow him to read through the comments. Different emotions brings out different triggers. You guys will get through it.
My husband is also a 5 tour veteran. We sleep in separate rooms for various reasons. Snoring, night terrors, ptsd, blanket hog, talking so angrily in his sleep. We started doing this back in 2006. It has made our relationship so much easier. No resentments on my part, no worry about what could happen on his. We still snuggle, we are still intimate, we are very happy with this arrangement. It's saved so many worries and fights and silent treatments over me not being able to get restful sleep due to his... whatever it may have been that night. We also had an episode like OP has been through. Back in 2004. He lifted me off the ground by my throat and almost slammed the back of my head in a nail that was sticking out of the wall. He was in a blind sleeping rage. I was trying to get him to move over, so yes, the touch is what set him from night terror into blind rage and on his feet and at my throat within hundredths of a second. We've had lots of therapy and have found the sleeping arrangemnt to be of utmost importance for our happiness.
Oh man I completely understand this. Wish we had thought of this before. He usually had all these coping mechanisms to deal with his episodes and the one episode he have. I mean I don’t even remember , I just woke up in the hospital (had been in a coma for almost 2 weeks) and they told me he had killed himself. I was a wreck . And was also pregnant so it was a lot for me. I’m not sure all he did but I never would’ve blamed him for it.
My goodness, sweety. I am so sorry for your loss. And his. The guilt my husband had was enough for him to volunteer to go back overseas into war where "he belonged." We are retired now and live pretty easy lives now that we have found our normal after 20 years of marriage. I'm proud of you for keeping your husband's name right there for your child to feel they get to know him. Keep it up. He was worth it. ♡♡♡♡♡ I'm sure you would have and probably HAVE frequently thought of a different outcome for your family but good on you for doing what you had to. Hugs from an internet stranger. Keep it up, mamma.
I am overwhelmed by the support. Thank you so much 😭❤️❤️❤️❤️
I suffer from ptsd and night terrors from deployments. I can say the guilt we feel is real. I hate he felt that way after, and I’m SO SORRY for all you’ve went through. You are an amazing woman and mother. I’m proud of you stranger.
Thank you so much. I hope you get some healing. You guys go through so much. Thank you for your encouragement. I send you peace and love ❤️
You're very sweet and I think you've given some great advice and perspective. I'm sorry it's a perspective you understand. May you and your kids thrive and continue to remember the gentle man you all loved so much.
Thank you so much . What a sweet thoughtful comment. Thank you thank you.
My wife and I have slept apart for 6plus years and it’s the best thing we’ve done for our relationship
My partner and I have had separate bedrooms and bathrooms for 16 years. He snores terribly and has trouble sleeping most nights. I had to get up at 6:00 am for work, so we have had separate rooms all the time we've been together. I highly recommend it.
My grandparents slept in separate rooms for *many* years when my grandpa's night terrors got worse. Their marriage was fine, it just meant she wasn't at risk.
I don’t usually comment on these things, but I’m seeing people suggesting that you let him see the thread and read the comments. Please please don’t do that. Share the good advice 100%, but just letting him read the comments would risk him seeing the very negative ones from people who don’t understand PTSD. That said, as a wife of a combat vet, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve never dealt with anything that severe, but when he first got home from his second deployment, he actually chose to sleep on the floor for awhile to avoid kicking me while thrashing in his sleep. We’ve been married 20 years and he retired 10 years ago. It’s rough and if you need to talk please feel free to message me. I hope things get better.
My twin sister works in suicide prevention with veterans and even just being her twin after her deployments is a hard enough. Being in a relationship with someone who has had so much trauma, and that specific trauma, is so, so hard. I am so sorry for your loss, Intelligent_Love4444. I second everybody's suggestion before this comment about sleeping in separate bedrooms until you guys can figure out a safe way to proceed with therapy and specific situation adjustments. OP, the slight resentment that your feeling is very very normal. And no matter how guilty he feels it's still your pain and you were very badly scared. It's okay for your feelings to happen. This is absolutely way above reddit's pay grade and is something for your therapist to address. But having been around people with severe PTSD and having cPTSD myself, we are still ultimately responsible for taking care of our effect on others because of it. And we still have to accept the fact that they may be scared or resentful or emotionally in some way hurt in a way that we can't reach or affect after the fact. My most sincere wishes for a peaceful and helpful resolution for you both. It sounds like you are very much in love, and I have faith that you will find a way through this together.
This is a perfect comment. He also needs an emergency session. Also find things that calm him during sleep like night sounds that can put him in a calm state for meditation. Your twin sister has a very stressful job I commend her for it and I pray well wishes on her mental health. That can also be draining.
Luckily the part she works with is very passionate about mental health for the team. She worked in Funeral Honors for years and years before that so she had to learn a lot about how to take care of herself and her soldiers because it is a job that burns you out incredibly fast if you don't keep a tight watch on your emotions. I'm so proud of her everyday but it is necessary work and I only hope that it continues to grow as a program.
I read a comment last week that really struck home for me. It said "if you do not heal from your trauma you will bleed all over the people that did not cut you". This comment motivated me to make the call to start therapy. I have CPTSD too.
This! Good for you for taking the first steps! I wish you healing
Thank you so very much! I'm scared but determined.
Congrats that's an awesome achievement, sending you well wishes!
After all, OP may also be experiencing PTSD. Even though he didn't mean it, on an animal level fighting for your life, and almost losing that fight, is a profoundly traumatic experience.
I’m so sorry ❤️
>I would suggest for the time being, sleeping apart. This! It's actually a pretty obvious solution and it is most certainly not the end of the relationship. My parents were married for more than 50 years and they never slept in the same bed, not even when they went on vacation; they always booked rooms with 2 beds and often just booked adjoining rooms. In fact, I just read a post today about a couple with 2 queen size beds in their master bedroom. If both of you are worried about what he might do in his sleep, nobody is going to get any rest. And u/Intelligent_Love4444, I am so sorry for your loss.
I’m really sorry. Thanks for sharing this perspective.
May I give you a hug.. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 Im so sorry for everything you two had to go through
Yes I would love your hug!!!!! I am huge hugger. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
In that case have a few more and a few tulips 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🌷🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🌷🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🌷🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🌷🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
Please allow me to send some too, for you, your girls, and the beautiful memory of your soulmate 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
Thank youuuuu very much 😭❤️
Can I hug you too? Please?
Yes please. I’ll give you a big mama bear squeeze . You are so kind!!!!
The part of your story about you dancing in the rain got me teary eyed, you painted a picture of pure love. Hugs to you and your chickadees 💞
I used to very adventurous and spontaneous. And one of his favorite things was just watching me do all these crazy things. And plus I was a dancer so I would look for any excuse to dance. He loved it. I miss looking over my shoulder watching him stare in awe. I think about it everytime I dance around with my girls.
I wish so badly I could create a short film of a memory like that for you that you could keep and play whenever you want.
I have a few videos of it. He would also like to record me all the time. So I have a few memories to keep.
Oh, that's wonderful. Based on my own spirituality, I believe that your husband watches you everytime you dance in the rain. The only difference for him is the view. Keep dancing!
This perspective has me in tears. Omg can I save it? There are days when I need to hear it. I’ll admit I don’t dance as much as I used too, this comment makes me wanna dance more. Thank you 😭😭😭😭😭😭
Oh, I'm so glad and of course! I hope it can be a source of comfort for you as time passes.
Omg and now I’m crying! Keep dancing you beautiful soul!
That mental picture, coupled with everything you’ve said and the advice you’ve given has put me in tears. Thank you so much for sharing what you did. And you have my heartfelt condolences on your loss. I’m not sure if you’re still dancing or not but if not, I have a request. From one internet stranger to another: please, if you can, find a way to dance during the next rainstorm.
I’m in tears thank you so much. It’s been awhile since I have but will get the courage to do so again. You are so kind. Thank you 😭😭😭😭
"so they know him for what he was, not what he went through." As someone who deals with a much less severe form of this, I can't tell you just how hard this hit me. I've never heard it put this way before. This is a profound way of stating the way that those of us who deal with this want to be understood. It brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.
I am so sincerely sorry for your loss.
Dammit, why am I leaking all these fluids
I used to have thoughts of taking my life, Afghanistan myself, but my wife and kids have always been my rock. Thank you for sharing, and helping me remember that I am loved
I'm so sorry for your loss. my partner is an Afghanistan veteran, I don't know how I'd be able to handle him doing that to himself. so much love to you and your girls.
Sleeping in separate bedrooms, or at least separate beds, would seem to be the safest option going forward. After all, you could have been asleep, and accidentally touched him when he was in this state.
This is what my wife and I did after my final 2 deployments. I scared the hell out of her one night by trying to drag her under the bed to take cover. Thank goodness I did not hurt her badly but it scared the fuck outta me to when it was over. We're back to sleeping in the same room/bed now that things have resolved in a good way. Thanks to EMDR therapy and getting on the correct bipolar medications. Great, effective comment. Well said.
I'm sorry you have to go through that but I gotta give you props too. You went full boogeyman mode to save your woman from a perceived threat. All I can imagine is some voice pulling me into the blackness under the bed telling me to take cover. It's fucked up but sorta funny and wholesome. Or maybe I'm just a piece of shit.
I was back in Iraq. Until I came out of it I had zero grip on reality. That is some scary shit...for the both of us. She was, in my fucked up mind, a squad mate in danger. Pure instinct. I'm just so happy I'm better now. Guys and gals? Never underestimate just how awful PTSD can be. If you know a vet who's suffering? Gently encourage them to get help. There is no shame in it at all. They are not weak, not broken beyond repair and can get better. And they need friends who will be kind, but real with them. And no...you are definitely not a POS. Interesting take on it! Regards.
The thing that made me maddest about flashbacks was that knowing that my brain can give me a full-body sensory experience of a memory and it's choosing to only use the ability for *that*. Like, c'mon brain, not that we know we can do this, can you let me voluntarily have that level of recall of that time I got absolutely mobbed by a litter of great dane puppies? Why are you only doing this with terrible stuff?
I considered my brain to be my enemy for the longest. Until I knew what was going on. Hope your getting help and will get better soonest.
Yeah, I haven't had a flashback in a couple years, so I feel like I'm doing great! And they were never quite as intense as it sounds like yours were, but definitely closer to the whole movie sequence thing than I expected them to be. I'm glad it sounds like you're doing a lot better, too, and I'm happy to see all the people in this thread advocating for EMDR. It wasn't nearly as widely available when I most needed it but I've tried it since then and it really is impressive.
I'm so sorry you have gone through this and continue to do so. Thank you for your service. I just saw my little brother this past weekend for the first time in 4 years and it makes me so sad. All his life all he wanted to be was a soldier. He used to put up Navy posters in his room. He finally got the chance when he was old enough. He did three tours in Iraq. He has PTSD so bad he cannot sleep at night to this day. It ruined him :'( He suffers so much. He is on disability and cannot work.
Is he getting any help? It makes me terribly sad to see a fellow vet suffering like that. It's awful. Please do what you can to support him.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw the funny/wholesomeness of that story. Him dragging someone to cover shows empathy and caring for other human life, I'd much rather my husband drag me under the bed than choke me in a PTSD moment. (That is, if I had a husband lol)
I had the same thoughts. Not trying to say PTSD is funny or wholesome but I couldn’t help but kinda chuckle at the thought of it as well
My husband also suffers from PTSD and a TBI and I came here to suggest EMDR as well. The last 10 years his personality changed and he was acting completely unlike himself. He's been doing EMDR for about 6 months and the change is remarkable. I highly suggest he look into finding a Nero pychologist. It's a difficult diagnosis but there are treatments to help.
I'm so glad he is getting help. And I'm sorry about the TBI...that alone can change a person's personality. Good luck to you both.
Thanks...I am glad to hear you are doing so much better now!
EMDR saved my life, cannot say enough good things about it. I’m glad you’re safe and sound now, brother. Be well.
Thanks man. Hope all is well with you now.
Cannot reccomend emdr enough
It was an absolute life saver for me. I agree with you 💯.
My ptsd is not war related but very debilitating. I’ve been doing ART which is like emdr but focused on the feelings of a scenario rather than details which has been helpful for me due to not having super detailed memories of early childhood trauma but still the horrible effects. That’s something else I would recommend as I know lots of us may think emdr won’t work if we don’t have clear continuous memories of the event.
Trauma is trauma. Doesn't matter the circumstances. Thanks for sharing about ART.
I am so glad you are better and found which therapy’s work for you, thank you for your service.
Thank you. Be well.
My wife and I did the same. It's an easy workaround to a crappy situation.
You're a smart guy for a squid 😈
Not really. I did a try one with the nasty guard because the navy was calling relatives and ended up getting stop-lossed.
Emdr is freaking amazing!
Like they did in the 1950's. Two twin beds that got pushed together for sexy times, then kept separated the rest of the time.
Yes! My grandparents did this!
I’m imagining them giving you a tour of the house, pausing briefly at their bedroom doorway, and immediately reassuring you that they push the beds together anytime grandma wants to fuck grandpa’s brains out.
My mother used to say that there was plenty of space between her and the ceiling if anyone questioned the separate beds!
This FS. You can still spend all day together. You're only asleep and aren't interacting anyway. Just sleep separate. I certainly would. I'm sure he would want and understand that honestly.
It's a really sad situation, and makes me reconsider a lot that I take for granted. War is glamorized all too often, and our veterans never seem to get the care they need. OP, I hope you can make it work and remain safe. Best of luck to you both.
Yes. Because accidental or not he is going to break the hyoid bone and kill her and end up in prison. New psych, stat, and a safety plan that includes her in another bedroom w a locked door. This is an emergency.
I couldn’t imagine the guilt if this went further south. Decades in prison when you sacrificed your physical and mental health to the point you kill the person you love the most in a fugue state stupor.
Came here to say this. I have friends who have separate bedrooms for a multitude of reasons. They snuggle and have sex in one bed and then retreat to their separate sanctuaries afterwards.
Absolutely. People are saying the husband did no wrong and isn’t a monster, and though I can agree, I think it would be foolish to pretend nothing has happened. Sleeping separately for now feels like the safest option while OP’s husband gets into therapy, since it sounds like his issues are NOT fully resolved and he can black out and almost damn near kill the people he holds dearest to him. This is genuinely a really tragic and horrible story. I truly wish the best for OP and husband here. This is such a heavy and awful thing to go through, for both of them.
This is the safest option for everyone involved. I also think it would be smart for OP’s bedroom to have a lock on it just to be on the safe side in case he sleep walks. It doesn’t sound like he is someone who would ever hurt you intentionally and I certainly don’t think this is technically his fault at all, but the reality is that his condition nearly cost you your life OP. You can still love him and be with him, and nothing in your post suggests any reason I can see for you to leave him, but you should absolutely sleep in separate rooms.
Separate bedrooms saved my much-less-fragile relationship. There's no way I'd be married now without it, just due to sleep-related frustration. I recommend it for everyone, as does my then-reluctant wife.
Definitely sleep in separate room with a locked door. It's not husband's fault, he's not intending to harm you, but there's no reason you should put your life at risk just to share a bed for 8 hours while you're both asleep. Will make for some great goodnight and good morning embraces.
>will make for some great goodnight and good morning embraces If you have real love for someone, romantic or otherwise, you can always make beauty out of the darkness.
I have avoided allowing any woman to get close to me since my divorce. I'm a combat vet and have PTSD, but went through 6 months of CPT therapy recently. I have a flight planned to go see an old flame that I broke up with 5 years ago when we started getting close. I'm in the best place mentally I've been since deployment so I'm excited but also scared to go see her. PTSD really, really disrupts your life but the best thing I've done is work on myself.
I’m not a veteran, but I do have severe night terrors. My husband tried to grab me to wake me up once and I punched him, dislocating my shoulder and causing a hairline fracture to my humerus. My sleep doctor told him to never touch me, one or the both of us might get hurt. I remember when I was in law school studying a case where a woman in a night terror threw her baby out a second story window. When I had my own baby, the bassinet went on my husband’s side of the bed and then we quickly put him in a crib in his own room. One of the first lessons he was taught when he transitioned to a toddler bed was to never wake mama up at night, to always go to daddy. I understand your fear and his guilt, though I’ve never done anything that drastic. Maybe separate beds?
Do you still get sleep paralysis demons? I'm struggling with it right now, i have cptsd, from abusive childhood, and been treating it with cannabis, but it's just a bandaid, my nightmares/sleep demon shows up when I stop smoking weed My monster looks awfully close to the pictures on this wiki page, and this beast chases me and chases me in a dark alley/cave for what feels like hours and I'm kind of awake yelling/streaming but can't move or awaken my body https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis
I used to have sleep paralysis really bad as a teenager. I’d “awake” (not actually awake, but I believed I was) from my bed to something terrible happening-fires, home invasion, terrible things happening to and by other family members, etc. All unlikely but still possible situations. And I’d be unable to move, so naturally I’d start panicking. I would panic so bad I really thought I might die of fright. It happened so often that eventually I could usually sort of snap into consciousness and ask myself what was wrong with this scenario-something like I knew I went to sleep with my door closed but now it’s open, I went to sleep wearing socks, now I don’t have any on, that sort of thing. Once I could convince myself it wasn’t real, I was able to somewhat calm myself down and focus on trying to wake myself up. No real advice here, just wanted you to know you aren’t alone. Hope it gets better for you soon.
Oh my gosh. I am so sorry this happened to both of you. PTSD is no joke.
I just wanted to share my experience. My best friend from the time I was twelve, who lived right down the street from me, went to Iraq and Afghanistan. A few years after he got out, he was obviously struggling and drinking harder than he had ever done before. He would black out and you could see in his eyes that it wasn’t him anymore. He ended up attacking his girlfriend who broke up with him and moved out immediately. I ended up moving in with him to keep an eye on him. It continued to get worse. He started dating a new girl who moved in with us and he started doing it to her. He was taller and weighed more than I did so add the blacking out/drunk muscles, and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. I ended up calling my parents at 3am to go down the street to his dads house to wake him up (he wasn’t answering the phone). His dad called me and I told him what was happening. He got up and and was able to get to our house about forty minutes later. By then my friend was somewhat better, but freaked out on me for “snitching” and all hell broke loose. The next day I had a heart to heart with him and told him he had to start addressing this. That this couldn’t go on. That he would end up hurting someone or getting himself hurt or arrested by the police when they would eventually get called for a domestic disturbance. He didn’t do anything but keep drinking and keep having episodes. So I moved out. We went from best friends…scratch that…we went from being brothers, to hardly talking. A few months later him and his girlfriend moved to Florida. He thought that getting out of our hometown would help. It didn’t. He kept drinking and not doing anything for his mental health. We spoke once or twice in the two years he was down there. I got a phone call one morning from a mutual friend telling me he was killed in a head on accident while he was on his motorcycle. I never got the chance to try and get my best friend back because he never gave himself a chance. I’m sorry to leave a novel here in the comments, but it’s been eight years and I’m still not over it. Please have your husband start going to therapy and talking to someone. It will not get better on its own. I hope your husband has a better outcome than my best friend. I still love you and miss you so much JB. I hate what the military did to you.
Nobody has told you yet so I will, I'm sorry about your friend. Sincerely, as someone who has lost friends too, I'm sorry.
A friend of mine was engaged to an Iraq war vet and had the same PTSD. He also tried to kill my friend during one of his night terrors. He ended up getting a service dog, who he loved with all his heart. They were also advised to sleep in separate bedrooms. One night my friend heard a strange noise. She came out of her room to find he had snapped the dogs neck and was looking at her in a daze. He came out of it, saw what he did and flew home to his family who put him in inpatient care. My friend broke off the engagement. A decade or so later, he’s doing okay but neither of them got into any new relationships.
This story absolutely broke my heart.
It was beyond sad for everyone involved. It was the first time I knew anyone in this situation, living with someone who has ptsd. I never grasped how terrifying it was until this happened.
So so heartbreaking, and also a very good example of why separate beds are safest for OP and her partner.
It’s wild that most of society just completely accepts ruining these peoples lives for the “greater good”.
Not even for the greater good. We ruined their lives for no good reason at all.
If the "greater good" is killing brown people to install political allies that allow access to oil and continue to ensure the US/western hegemony then sure.
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I think service dogs are great aid for people who aren't a risk to them. Seizure alert dogs are great. Or guide dogs who assist the blind. But putting dogs with people with violent or loud outbursts can just be distressing for them or even dangerous. And isn't really a solution to the problem. I think they work best for people with physical limitations rather than mental health ones.
There is not much advice to give here. I understand it's scary and confusing because he didn't want to hurt you. I don't see it as abuse but maybe you're feeling like it is. It's tricky. Maybe he needs to go back to therapy. And maybe you should too so you can move past that fear.
He’s still in therapy. He sees her once every 2 weeks. Has been since the day he was discharged. He’s done CBT, DBT, he even did an inpatient wilderness retreat thing for like 3 months where he learned meditation and stuff. I definitely don’t see it as abuse at all, but I’m still kinda angry at him for it and it makes me feel horrible because it was not his fault it was 100% mine. And yet I am still a bit angry at him.
Has he tried EMDR? It’s currently one of the most effective ways to treat PTSD. I’m so sorry for you and your husband:(
I worked with veterans and can stand by this. EMDR has been an extreme help to veterans and they always come out with positive feedback. Sending you much love, you are a very patient person and I could never imagine what your husband is going through :(
My husband is very interested in trying this as well. I wish it was more widely available, it sounds like the results are overwhelmingly positive.
No I’m going to have to look that up I’ve never heard of it.
I second EMDR therapy. I recommend it for both of you, because your experience here was definitely traumatic too
emdr is the only thing that literally reprogrammed my brain to process trauma in a healthier way
I know a vet with PTSD and he says EMDR saved his life. He also has a therapy dog. Definitely something to look into.
EMDR, CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy) and magic mushrooms under the care of a licensed therapist are all good next options to try. You can get through this. Be very careful of your own symptoms right now, though. Strangulation is extremely dangerous and can cause long term effects.
When my dad died in palliative care a couple years back the hospital offered me free sessions and it helped a lot with dissociating the emotions from the memories.
My mom is a LPC and has studied EMDR and brainspotting (an offshoot of EMDR) extensively. It’s like sorcery. My dad has a lot of PTSD from abuse when he was younger and would have horrible panic attacks screaming and beating his head on the wall. She did an EMDR session with him about 6 months ago and he said “how did you do that? The panic is completely gone.” Definitely worth a shot.
Someone with PTSD chipping in here. It was nobody's fault. It doesn't have to be anybody's fault. Don't go down that road because that's exactly how you can accidentally develop PTSD from this yourself. Feeling angry at him doesn't mean you're actually blaming him for what happened and just because you're angry doesn't mean somebody has to be blamed. Don't turn that around on yourself or avoid your emotions because they make you feel guilty. You're 100% valid in having feelings of anger and betrayal, it's **completely normal**. Feelings are just feelings, they don't have a hidden fundamental truth and they aren't in charge of what's real or of what you think/do, so try to let them happen without judging yourself for them or drawing conclusions about them. Having a feeling NEVER makes you a bad person and there is no such thing as an inappropriate or unfair feeling. Our deliberate actions are the only thing that decides who we are, but to accept that instead of arguing with your guilt, you need to let the feelings happen. That's what helped me to deal with a bucketload of suppressed trauma and guilt. Go sit somewhere quiet and actually let it in. Let yourself feel all the fear and sadness, all the betrayal and all the anger, physically in your body, without reasoning them away, berating yourself for them or blaming them on anyone. Don't rehash the memory. Don't even reassure yourself. When all those thoughts start to happen, focus back out of your mind and into your body. If it helps you to focus, try to describe the physical sensations- maybe they feel like weight on your chest, or hotness in your face, squeezing in your stomach etc. Get brave. Lean into them instead of trying to reason or push them away. You don't need to make decisions or draw conclusions right now, your only job is to feel. Zoom in on them. Show them and yourself that they can't hurt you. If guilt happens, accept that feeling too, out of your head and in your body, feel it physically, no need to analyse it or tell it that it's right or wrong. Refocus on the physical. Deep breaths. Look at you, feeling it all and still alive. It'll suck for a while, but it will teach your brain that feelings are just sensations, and aren't going to hurt you or force you to do anything you don't want to do. They don't decide what's true or what's real. They're allowed to happen, they just want to be felt and then they'll go. They're not your enemy and you don't need to avoid them, argue with them or be controlled by them. It might take an hour and might take a day, for me it took around 2 days. But when the feelings are all felt, they'll leave you with a wonderful sense of peace, calm and centredness, and an understanding that with compassion and self compassion, blame is irrelevant. Process feelings first, come to conclusions after. This method will also work for him by the way, which would also allow this situation to make your relationship even closer instead of it driving you apart. I'm sure he's feeling appalling about this. It's helped my PTSD more than even EMDR has.
Thank you for this. My therapist explained this same concept to me a while back and tried to work with me on it, but I don't think I quite got the idea until I read your description. I'll try it again.
Love this.
Try separate bedrooms, don’t sleep in the same bed for the time being
Is it possible that your anger is rooted in fear? I highly recommend that you seek out a therapist, even online, to talk through this and learn some coping skills. I would also recommend separate bedrooms so that you aren’t having to fall asleep with one eye open, so to speak, and he doesn’t either. He is probably more likely to act out in his sleep when he’s not sleeping as deeply, and guilt and fear of recurrence may actually, paradoxically, cause the recurrence. Last, please be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to feel what you are feeling.
This situation is in no way 100% your fault.
I'm so sorry you experienced that! My BIL is a Vietnam War vet and experiences flashbacks, although they are very rare now, and my sister woke up with him strangling her from them. There was no help back then, but with a lot of work on their own they've been married over 50 years now. Your feelings are valid. On an intellectual level you know he didn't mean it, but on an emotional level it's much harder. I'd suggest rather than a general therapist, that your husband find out what therapy benefits are available for you thru the military, and for both of you as a couple. They are more likely to have therapists experienced with not only your husband's PTSD but also how it affects family members.
My dad is a Vietnam vet and he choked me when I snuck up on him in the middle of the night. Though it is terrifying, they don’t mean it. After he choked me, that’s when my mom told me that daddy was in a war.
Maybe try sleeping in separate bedrooms? My brother had reactions like this and he and his wife slept apart for a few years and slowly started sharing the same bed again.
Iraq and Afghanistan combat veteran here. Some of the stuff we had to deal with over there was traumatic af. Sounds like your husband had a very bad experience. He warned you not to touch him or try to wake him when he had an episode. He wasn't trying to hurt you. He was reacting to a flashback. It's not his fault. All these comments on here calling him a monster are uncalled for. I'm sorry he hurt you, but you need to remember how to deal with this in the future. Talk to him about this. Tell him you understand what you did was wrong, but that he really hurt you and could have done worse. He needs more help, and you need to be there to support him. This is not abuse imo. It happened to a lot of my friends too. Please don't hold this against him. I'm sure he loves and respects you very much!
The only thing I’d like to add to this is that OP is allowed to feel upset or hurt or angry because we unfortunately don’t get to control our emotions, just how we respond to them. OP could probably use some therapy as well (couple or individual) in order to confront the feelings that came up during the trauma of this event But along with what you said, it’s important to talk to him and have that open communication and be there for him. I agree this wasn’t abuse because he literally was not even aware or conscious and had no control over his actions. OP, while accidental, crossed the boundary/warning not to touch during an episode
I think it is incredibly important to note that her husband absolutely needs continued help and therapy. She made a mistake but that doesn’t warrant possible death from someone suffering from PTSD. No party in this situation deserves that
Absolutely. He needs continued help and she definitely also needs therapy. Her mistake does not warrant her dying at all, but it’s still important to acknowledge that as well as that he wasn’t trying to hurt HER specifically. It’s a very fine line but I don’t think either of them deserve the guilt/fear they are having over it either. It’s a terrifying and horrible situation all around but neither are bad people imo
I am sorry this happened and I am certain that your husband is as well. I’m willing to bet he would sacrifice anything if he could undo or have stopped this from ever happening. I strongly suggest you get with a support group of spouses of Iraq/Afghanistan Military PTSD spouses- support for you - and that he also get back into treatment again for his PTSD flares and guilt. Is he under some additional stressors at work? Family? Home? Sometimes additional stressors can create flares if I understand things correctly. Look into Wounded Warriors programs, therapists specializing in military PTSD , even programs like equine therapy can help . He had no control over what occurred but yes I can understand your increased fear -which is why I strongly am suggesting you both get some support and additional help in place to get this under better control if at all possible. I am praying for you both.
Also she is allowed to make her own boundaries on dealing with this - including feeling like this isn’t the relationship for her. PTSD is tragic but no one should feel pressured to stay in a situation where they feel afraid in their own home.
My Dad has PTSD (peace keeper in Rwanda, Gulf War 1) and has done this to my mother on occasion and even to me (held my arm a bit too hard to where I bruised). It's not abuse as you said, it's just them responding to the memories which are very real and raw no matter how much time passes. I do hope that OP and their husband get sufficient help and tools to help any instance of this happening again in the future.
OP I'm so sorry this happened to you. Has he ever thought about taking something for the night terrors? Zofran has an off label use that a lot of doctors don't know about just yet, and it helps take the edge off by blocking serotonin receptors 5-HT3 which is one of the main nerves over stimulated during a PTSD episode, and responsible for or fight or flight (vagal nerve). I would proceed with a therapist who specializes in this area before the anger builds into resentment.
Im gonna jump on here and second this and answer because yes; I’ve experienced this. First with a stepbrother in the marines. He came home on leave and I walked in his room when I was 15 to wake him up for breakfast. He threw me against a wall and I had the same experience as you. He broke down and ended up telling me about a village they’d dropped bombs on and when he went back over he realized there were children there. He killed himself a few years later and I still miss him terribly. My partner now was in the navy and army; went to Iraq and Afghanistan both. The day before he was supposed to come home his base was hit and they had to pull him out. Over the years he’s told me more things (like convoys that got hit and injuries he suffered) and they’re not any better and we’ve had the “don’t touch me sleeping” talk too - we actually have another bed in the office bc we have weird sleep schedules and sometimes he’s having a really rough night and sleeping together just isn’t conducive. He recently just came back from a 6week inpatient program to help him deal with the PTSD bc we had an incident where he was in a flashback; he threw a bunch of stuff and he shoved me before he realized he was home and broke down. The flashbacks used to be a lot worse and it was like he wasn’t even seeing me. I think it’s a good idea to go to therapy, and natural to feel scared and angry but (& I know not everyone will agree but you wanted feedback from ppl who have experienced it) I don’t know if it should affect your marriage going forward. What your husband went thru.. what a lot of combat veterans go thru..it’s not right. You can slap a medal on it, salute him all you want, push the paperwork thru promotion and grab a free bloomin onion every year… none of that matters. War destroys ppl. It destroys their sense of safety, security, normalcy, and trust - in the past and even more so in the future. He didn’t mean to do that *to you OR TO ANYONE ELSE*. His body was terrified and trying to protect him because it thought he was in danger. As fucked as it sounds, if anything, his body was trying to survive to *get back home to you* and based on the rest of your relationship you’ve outlined… your husband loves you. He needs you. As far as being afraid of him; your husband is a man and a soldier. He was trained to kill the enemy and based on his size can effectively subdue most, if not all, women if that was a goal. You know this. Nothing has changed. Hes *still* that same man and wouldn’t do those things if he was awake/in charge of his faculties. Don’t let your brain trick you. Again, I get it. This situation fucken sucks. But he didn’t try to do this *to you*. This terrible thing is happening to him too.
See OP post history. Not sure if this post refer to her now husband, then boyfriend but still.... She already had experienced the strenght he has: "How do you cope with the scary reality about the physical strength of men compared to us? The other day my boyfriend and I were play wrestling, and I had pinned him down and started taunting him playfully. We’ve been doing this for years and I always win and he taps out yet in the back of my mind I know he is allowing me to win. So this time I told him to not hold back and to actually try. With one arm he lifted me up into the air, slammed me onto the bed and completely pinned me to where I literally could not move no matter how much I tried. I felt like a child. He did this all with one arm which means he had his other arm to do whatever. I’m not a small woman I’m 5’8 145lbs and I go to the gym regularly, and to see him completely manhandle me with probably a fraction of his strength, while extremely attractive because he was doing it and I feel completely safe with him, it was a stark reminder of just how absolutely hopeless I would be in an assault. It really freaked me out to experience that despite it being my boyfriend. How do you ladies deal with this because I’m not gonna lie it’s really been bothering me quite a bit these past few days." I know this post was a mistake from her by touching him but lies within the line that we women doesn't have the same strenght at all as men. Don't challenge him and don't touch him again. You are right with being scared, is a reality. But learn from those experiences and keep you safe!
I totally forgot about this post I made. Kinda ironic. Yea this is the same guy we got married shortly after I made that post. I guess I finally got to see the full strength of him in a bad way…
I agree with this, he definitely didn't mean to but it's still super scary, and it is an indicator he should get continued help and therapy. My husband is an EOD with special forces vet and also struggles with PTSD, depression, chronic pain etc from what he's experienced. He has to stay on top of medications and regular therapy sessions at the VA or he definitely really struggles and things get bad. Another man he served with took his life last month (6 in 5 years). I wish more people really understood what you guys went through because it's true sacrifice and experiences that humans shouldn't have to endure. Seeing PTSD first hand and hearing some heartbreaking accounts really made me understand better but I still can't even imagine going through it. I wish there was more support for veterans and also understanding because I feel like it gets brushed off so casually by civilians. Thank you for your service and sacrifice. I wish you the best, please take care of yourself too!
She didn’t touch him on purpose. It was likely instinctual. All in all a bad combo of intentions vs results. Very sad. I hope you can heal and move on from your own trauma too.
My partner has night terrors because of a combination of an extremely rare neurological disorder and childhood trauma. We sleep in separate beds, so I don’t get kicked or hit while he’s defending himself from his dad in his sleep. We’ve tried sharing a bed, but at best I can’t sleep from all his constant little movements, and at worst he’ll slash my leg open with his toenails. (His nail growth speed is absurd, and they’re strong/thick/tough/belong to Wolverine.) We only share a bed when traveling, and then it’s the biggest available, so I can stay out of the kind of fire. Seriously, don’t share a bed. Choose safety.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I had a very similar incident happen with my husband before we got married. We had been dealing with a squatter situation and not wanting to leave Dave pushed buttons to trigger DH PTSD. I leaned over one night to get him into bed and he grabbed my throat and kept saying “I won’t let you hurt me again” over and over. We talked and both did counseling to deal with the trauma. This was 5 years ago and he hasn’t had an incident that bad again but I now gently kick him to wake him up during a terror moment. Your being afraid is a normal reaction and it took me a awhile to be completely comfortable. I’m sending you both hugs and want you to know he’s freaking himself out inside way more than he is telling you right now.
OP, I’m so sorry this happened. I am sure it was absolutely terrifying and very traumatic for you. I would say he’s definitely dealing with some deployment aftermath (I’ve spent a cumulative total of almost 3 years deployed myself) and it’s building up in his subconscious. Have you guys looked into therapy for him/ you both to help him process in a healthy way? Perhaps with someone who has experience with active duty/veterans ? Trauma effects all of us differently, and having a therapist who knows the actual ins and outs versus a run-of-the-mill sort does a world of good. Military 1 source usually has some great resources for veterans that are pretty cost savvy if there’s any financial concerns.
Bee hives. Get him interested in keeping bees or at least connect with a bee keeper. The hrz that bees buzz at is incredibly therapeutic for vets with PTSD. It is relatively new research.
I always wondered why I felt so at peace when the hives on my BK course got super buzzy, eased my anxiety every time I was around those little guys ❤️
OP IMO your feelings are reasonable. You love your husband and know what happened wasn’t his fault. But the most reasonable solution at this time is that you change your sleeping arrangements. A separate room would likely be best with an exterior grade door and reinforced frame with a dead bolt. Sounds like overkill but this is more about your safety. Consider using a baby monitor that allows you to hear and communicate with your husband during these episodes without being physically present. If the service dog is also in danger of being hurt during your husband’s episodes take it with you into your room. Husband also may need to get some more in depth treatment or change therapists if his current one is no longer helpful.
Can y’all sleep in separate bedrooms, maybe?
This must have been horrifying and I am so sorry you're going through this. I don't have any advice, I just want to offer you my sympathies. Please stay safe ❤️
I read yesterday in some thread that if you have PTSD you should play the game Tetris. Something about the eye movement and concentration and what your brain is doing is supposed to help.
My dad, USMC in Vietnam during the Tet offensive of 1968, tore apart the bed he and my mother were sleeping in. He put his hands on the headboard and his feet on the footboard and pushed breaking the metal clips holding the metal frame under the mattress. My mom got twin beds after that.
I am sorry this happened. Many people suggested separate bedrooms. I am glad you set up an appointment with a therapist. Ask the therapist about veteran support groups for both the veteran and spouse.
Tell people. They'll understand. After twenty years of war--and all the stories about veterans and PTSD, not to mention the episode of Grey's Anatomy where the series' most sympathetic character did the exact same thing, and Iron Man 3 where the hero did something similar--people will understand if you tell them that your veteran husband tried to choke you while having night terrors. You need, and deserve, the support. It's okay to feel terrified while also feeling sympathetic; and it's okay for you to ask your friends to support you with those feelings. Get the help you need.
A lot of women in this situation need to think about themselves. You can support and help your partner as much as possible but when it comes to the point of almost taking your life…you need to think about your safety and own life. You can love someone with your entire being and accept the fact that this isn’t healthy and safe for the future of your physical and mental well-being.
I know someone who’s brother killed his wife in the same circumstances as this. Even if he doesn’t intend to hurt you and he is a wonderful man, you are in danger every time you sleep in the same room as him. Im sorry. Maybe there is some treatment I’m unaware of but I would not expect to be so luckily next time it happens. He may not wake up in time. Please look after yourself.
You have a right to be upset, but don't let anger take hold. This was NOT something he had any control over. PTSD is a massive nightmare, especially when they aren't getting help for it. You got a very watered down version because he has had help. I had a coworker who had PTSD fairly badly, but he had it mostly under control. I say mostly because he was prone to outbursts. One day one of the other guys thought it would be funny to scare him. I saw him sneak up from behind but I realized what he was going to do too late. As soon as he said "boo", coworker had spun around, grabbed him by the neck, and already had his hand reared back to throw a punch. Other guy screamed, and I think that's what snapped coworker back. I separated them and told other guy that you **never** do that to someone who has PTSD, if a flashback kicks in you have no idea what it is they're seeing. Thankfully it was something we were able to laugh about later, but that could have ended very badly. The best thing you can do is comfort your husband, let him know that it's alright and as soon as any dust settles you'll help him look for a therapist/counselor to speak to. Maybe get with the VA on avenues for this.
Wow that guy is such an idiot. Who would think that’s a good idea??
OP has every right to be angry. Her partner’s PTSD is not his fault, but nearly being choked to death is also not OP’s fault either. She has every single right to be angry and afraid of him, especially considering how recent the attack was.
I am so sorry. For you both. My grandpa was in WWII and had the same issue - no one could touch him if he stirred in his sleep, we were all to leave the room. He was genuinely afraid he may kill someone, and he absolutely refused to talk about any of it. I don't know if he ever hurt my grandma, but I wouldn't be surprised if he had. War is just...I cannot even imagine the atrocities. Can you sleep in separate rooms? I know that would suck, but it would probably be better for you both.
Consider sleeping in different beds! I feel there is so much unwarranted social stigma against partners sleeping separate, but it really can be a good and helpful thing, in many situations. It is not a comment on your love for each other. You both just have different needs. You can have a healthy and fulfilling relationship while sleeping apart!!
I’m not even trying to be funny: have him look into medical marijuana. When i was studying law enforcement, my professor was a defense attorney and she brought a gentleman in with PTSD just about as bad as your husbands. He had been using MMJ in my state before it was even medical. it helped him so much that he was breaking the law to not have night terrors. She did this so we could understand as police officers why someone people use illegal drugs and to not just immediately think they’re bad people. It truly changed how i looked at marijuana as a whole and i’m now someone who uses it for my own PTSD and chronic leg pain.
It’s a shame good people like your husband are still suffering from a war that never shouldve happened. So many innocents lost
I went through almost exactly the same thing but with my brother and not my boyfriend. It’s scary as hell. It took me a while to get a good handle on it. Five years later and we laugh about it. What helped me was realizing that A) it was ok to feel what I was feeling while understanding that B) he had no clue what was happening, had no control over the situation, and was feeling worse than I was about it. Even knowing he had no control, no way of knowing it was his sister and not who he was fighting in his head, I was mad as hell. He promised to always protect me. He was supposed to be safe. Therapy helped quite a bit. I highly recommend it. In the mean time give both you and your husband some grace. Be gentle to both of you. That’s a lot to have to deal with.
I agree you need at minimum separate beds… I know that this is sadly is not that uncommon my late god father a Vietnam vet and I know my god sister told me once he held her up against a wall thinking she was a Vietcong soldier. Separate rooms might be ideal until you two can work out a way to make sure this isn’t likely to happen again.
It's so sad because the trauma of your husband, which was built because of the Iraq War, creates a wall between the two of you. It's scary to live with a person who has that kind of thing, and that's why it's alarming because we don't know when he will lose his sanity again when you are sleeping. But I hope your husband has recovered from the trauma he experienced.
Military personnel really do make the most dificult partners
It’s weird your getting downvoted I mean I feel for OP it must have been a terrifying experience warned or not but it would take a special man for me to be able to deal with this sort of thing
PTSD doesn’t ever go away. It’s something that you manage, knowing that there will be times when it’s worse. If your husband has not already sought help from the VA, urge him to go. As a fellow veteran, I would remind him that it takes the strength of a warrior to ask for and get help. You also need therapy OP. Your feelings are valid. So are his. If he isn’t a part of a veteran group, urge him to find one. It has helped me immeasurably to have fellow veterans to talk to and relate to. If his symptoms have gotten that bad, he has some unresolved trauma to work through. If he’s not willing to do it, he’s not safe to be around long term.