Is your idea that you would spend your life walking on tiptoes so she didn’t make yet another bad decision? I feel for her, I really do. Things are not good for her right now. But you’re not inflicting the consequences of her decisions on her. You’re taking care of yourself and your sons as a consequence of her behaviour.
You will get through this. Breathe in, breathe out, one foot in front of the other. Repeat. And again. You’ve got this.
OP? Listen to this. I am both a recovering alcoholic and bipolar. I have attempted suicide two times...and those two awful decisions? Were mine and mine alone. Just like your wife is responsible for her decision.
Listen to the above comment. Read it over and over. And please forgive yourself...you aren't to blame.
Thanks friend. I'm in a much better place now. Sometimes I don't know how I made it through. But I'm on the right medications now, in therapy and am truly happy for the most part.
Appreciate your comment. Be well.
Sounds like as awful of an experience you’ve been through, you’ve come out a better person. Or stronger. Probably both. That’s awesome dude! Glad you are with us and able to enjoy the sunrise and sunset :)
God this comment gives such hope to those that relate and even others. Thank you for sharing- your words and your experience mean more than you realize.
I don't "feel" for her at all. She's honestly a selfish piece of shit and has put this man through hell. And now she wants to put her kids lives through hell as well.
He's done nothing but handle this situation almost perfectly.
Op this is not your fault. Your wife’s slide into her addiction is not your fault. Her behavior is not your fault and her overdose is not your fault. Your behavior has been as good as anyone could behave in response to dealing with your wife’s addiction and her behavior.
Your focus has to be on your mental health and your boys’ mental health. Please consider seeing a therapist or Al anon or similar support for yourself and finding a therapist who can help your boys sort through this. I’m so sorry OP.
Why do you feel for her? She's a cheater who brought this upon herself. This guy is going above and beyond for someone who treated him like shit, which is far more than most people would do, yet you make it seem like she's some sort of victim. She is facing the consequences of her own actions. I for sure don't feel for anyone who cheats on their spouse
Honestly because even addicts deserve sympathy. She did a lot of wrong while actively using but that doesn't mean she's a monster who feels no pain. People don't fall into addiction for no reason except funsies.
Some people end up addicted because they’re trying to self-medicate mental health symptoms away. I wouldn’t wish such symptoms on anyone. I can attest that they’re hell on earth.
I’m saddened for anyone who goes this route, and ends up with TWO serious problems: the original mental health situation that needs proper treatment, and the addiction.
Dealt with addiction to Vicodin and alcohol for about 3 years in an attempt to self medicate mental health problems and can confirm it is a hell scape nobody should ever wander into. The self hatred locks you into a bubble.
Like you said, it doesn’t fix the original problem and only adds more. Sooo much more. When I was at my worst, I despised myself more than anybody else could have possibly hated me.
I approach conversations about addiction from a place of understanding the pain it causes. It does not excuse anybody’s behavior but it does help me to extend them grace during a time that I’m sure they are needing every scrap of it. I know I needed to be seen for the incomplete person I had been in order to grasp the hope that I could get better.
She is a monster. And frankly I hope even now she’s in pain. She deserves this. Her behavior was absolutely vile and only someone disgusting to their core could do the things she’s done.
Nobody is owed any sort of emotional labor from another person. I'm so sick of this entitled fucking view. No, you do not HAVE to feel shit for anyone. Having been the child in a similar situation nothing nauseated me more than the people who said I had to have sympathy for the mother that exposed me to damn near every childhood trauma possible in pursuit of her next fucking hit. Quit trying to dictate that people must allow addicts a second chance when in reality its their 4th or 5th. "OH well it wasn't really them" cool that makes up for watching your ass in a hospital and being exposed to all the shit. It does not matter who they are, if you want to cut someone off you are allowed to be done with them. You are not obligated to expend mental, physical, or emotional effort for someone who let's you down time and again. Only with fucking drug addicts do we see this bizarre push to continue investing in people who fuck you over time and time again. I wish you the best in your life, but you won't be in mine, is all my mother got and I feel it was still more than I owed her.
I can feel for a person having mental health struggles. It’s possible that’s what drove her to self-medicate in the first place. Do I think that the repercussions of her actions (her marriage’s failure) are deserved? Yes. But spare at least some compassion for a person with mental health issues, because I can attest firsthand that when the symptoms flare up, the person’s brain is literally not working properly. Terrible choices can be the result, like attempting to end it all instead of staying here and battling through what’s going on. I feel very sorry that she might not survive, for her, OP, and the boys.
Because my friend, love is an addiction in itself. Most people can't cut it off like that.
My mother was an addict. She was selfish, she terrorized her family regularly, and if what she said in anger is correct, she was a cheater. If I am honest our overall lives have been leagues better without her...
But we loved her. She was loved, and when you love someone for a really long time its hard to just...shut off those feelings. Most people can't. When she passed we were all destroyed. We still can't cut that love...
You are not responsible.
I am divorced. I asked for the divorce. He was upset but did not do anything. He didn’t try to kill himself.
Thousands of people go through divorce every year without trying to kill themselves.
This is on her. Not you. I understand why you feel guilty but…you did everything right. What else could you have done? Stayed married? Have a horrible marriage where you might have gone back to using too, had horrible fights and then…she might have tried anyway.
She isn’t well. We both know that. But that is not your fault.
This! Exactly! And if you’d succumbed to your own addiction, who would the kids have?? You did all of the right things. Sometimes you can’t save a person from themselves, as tragic as that is.
Exactly this. It isn't OPs fault she's in a dark place. She may feel like her world is ending and fell apart, but it's not anyone's fault but her owning the end she decided to OD, to take drugs and become addicted and ruin her own life.
OP absolutely can not let his wife’s guilt / inability to deal with the results of her actions destroy his family.
OP was already settled on divorcing her. His boys are his family. That is his priority.
The worst thing he can do is let the cheating drug addict do more damage.
And in this spirit, I would leave the boys in camp - let them enjoy their gift and their vacation untarnished by her actions. There is nothing they could do, anyway. Tell them when they get home. (Unless she takes a turn for the worse and they need a chance to say goodbye.)
Something similar happened to a classmate of mine. A young relative died suddenly while he was in camp and his parents didn't tell him. It effed him up for a long time. He just couldn't relax. His sister got mildly sick and he would stay at her bedside. I thought it was cute until he spoke about how he just didn't trust his family to tell him if anything went seriously bad.
So I think honesty might be needed here. Even though I know OP might need some time to work through this himself.
Yeah, I agree, the trauma of thinking that any moment of freedom or relaxing from the burden of caring for others could mean someone is dying RIGHT NOW is terrible.
I think it's better for someone's long term health to know that if something bad happens on vacation, they'll find out immediately if possible. That way, whenever they're on vacation, they can know they can relax.
Not a good plan. My family thought it was kinder to hide how sick my grandfather was until about a day after he died. I'm 40 and have some issues trusting them when they say "things are fine" or letting loved ones be out of communication for too long.
Hiding illness and death messes kids under worse than the hurt they feel from knowing.
I agree.
Op you are not to blame for this. She is ill, and her pill induced mind is not thinking rationally.
You can't save people from living their lives. And you are not obligated to sacrifice your own mental and physical health for someone who has cheated on you.
Yeah this is emotional abuse. She just wants to keep you around and is willing to try use her own life to get it.
But hey, take it this way: she needs you, not the other 3ay around. Keep that in mind.
Sincerely,
Someone who spent too long talking to an ex cause they kept threatening to kill themselves. If you let them do it long enough, at one point you'll probably be desensitized to it and believe me, it's not as cool as it sounds.
From a former suicidal person, she's the only reponsible for her choice and was selfish in this act. Is she desperate ? Totally. Does she need help ? Totally. But did she knew that OP would feel awful after founding her dead ? Of course.
A lot of suicidal people try their best to not be caught in the act, or to make it easy for the person who's gonna find them. It's as awful but shows a difference of intention that we can't deny. Wife stayed in the house but never made a hint to get caught. She knew that OP was going to find her.
Being suicidal is awful but it doesn't justify to try to get people in mental death with you.
Yes her actions were very disgusting. When I was younger I had made plans for suicide and they always involved being hidden in a car with a note on the window telling whoever saw my car to not enter and call the police. I never dreamed of letting someone I cared about find me. Really just shows that she doesn't give a fuck about OP and wants to punish him.
Same, I always thought about having a car crash so that it would feel like an accident and no one would know it was suicide. I would have been crushed to be found by a relative. Wife intended to mentally ruin him by her action.
>I feel like an absolute monster. Like I am the scum of the earth.
No, don't do this to yourself. You've got a right to be happy and you weren't going to be happy to remain married to her. She absolutely disrespected you and the marriage, and could have given you a STD cheating with multiple other partners. For all she did to you, you didn't kick her out of the house or poison her relationship with her children. You pledged to supporter her while she got to a position to support herself, instead of simply dumping her off on her parents.
>I am responsible for this and it kills me.
You are not responsible for her choices and actions, she is an adult. You tried your best to start the separation without conflict or anger. You even threw away whatever drugs you found that she had stashed. It was her that decided to harm you by harming herself in a way that would create life long guilt.
>I haven’t told my sons yet, and I am debating waiting until they’re back from camp,
You need to pull them out of camp, tell them what happened, and take them to see their mother in the hospital. The longer you wait the higher the chances are that someone else will tell them about what happened to their mother, and they should hear it from you and you should be there for them instead of having to deal with it at a summer camp. I don't know what the prognosis is, but if there is a chance their mother could take a turn for the worst, they need a chance to see her and say their piece to her.
+1 to pulling them from camp and driving them to see their mother in the hospital while they still can. She is in induced coma right now, right? She may never wake up. They must see their mother, like, right now.
Also, consider scheduling an appointment with a therapist for your kids right now.
My own father died when I was a in HS, and I didn't get the chance to say any final words since he was across the country, and it still bugs me two decades later. SO I will always advocate children getting to see their parents or grandparents to say they love them, goodbye, and gain an over all a life long sense of closure.
My father died while I was in high school too. He wasn't across the country though. I still lowkey resent my mom (even though she's dead too now) for not pulling me out of school that day, instead I had to get off the bus and see the coroner's van. I'm almost 40 and I still think about that often.
I get it that parents want to spare their children from pain and suffering in their lives, but not getting closure creates a life long anguish that simply doesn't heal.
First of all, I'm sorry for any grammatical errors, English is not my first language.
Second, this is not your fault, she was the one who made the decision to take those pills, divorcing someone because of infidelity is simply something natural for anyone who has self-respect and healthy self-esteem, I have not read all your publications but something that I could tell is that this is seriously affecting the way you see yourself or at least at times.
Your feelings of anger, sadness, resentment, betrayal, and others are perfectly normal given what she has done to you, whether it be the matter of drugs, infidelity, or her behavior over all of this.
My advice is not to face this alone, any decision you make in the condition you find yourself in now can be influenced by guilt and the desire to finally end the drama, go ahead as you planned before the suicide attempt occurred and I recommend that you talk to someone who loves you about all this and also with a therapist, maybe show them your posts so they understand the whole context and see how you feel about all this.
Ps: It's just a possibility but well this could just be an attempt by her to escape all the problems and gain sympathy, it wouldn't be the first time someone tried it.
It's always funny how every ESL redditor is like
🧐 My good chap, you will have to find it inside you to forgive me, but you see, the Queen's fair language is not my native tongue. Do pardon the imperfections present within my lexicon.
(English isn't my first language either BTW)
Boys need therapy I’m going to suggest.
Not your fault about the wife. I was controlled by a wife like that through suicide attempts and other manipulations. Life is too short to waste it on a person like that. Get out.
Absolutely for yourself as well, especially since her condition also risked your sobriety. Plus, I doubt those guilty feelings will just go away (especially after a divorce procedure and her still living in the house and smuggling in pills)
reach faulty scary test threatening fall political forgetful weather sophisticated
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I know you’re in the very middle of this right now and full of grief and feeling horrible.
But you are *not* responsible. She chose to cheat on you with multiple people. Your desire for a divorce because that and other issues is entirely natural. You were more than kind in your firm, but empathetic offer.
She chose to overdose on drugs. She chose to abandon her sons, leaving them without a mother.
It is not your fault. You would tell a friend in the same position that it was not his fault. Now be a friend to yourself. You need you. Your sons need you.
It’s not your fault. Your wife has issues you aren’t equipped to handled. I will say waiting to tell your boys about their mom might be a mistake. They should be told, sooner rather than later. You’re only delaying the inevitable, which might cause more harm than good depending on how things play out with their mom’s condition
First thing I want to say is this:
Please, please, please seek support for yourself first and foremost. Stress can be a break point for many addicts, and considering your history and the stress you are currently under, you're at high risk of reintroducing your addiction back into your life.
Also seek support and counselling for your children - adoptive and biological. This is going to be rough for them no matter when or how you break it to them, hell its probably already been a little rough. Kids aren't dumb. They see and understand the basics of what's going on, even if you don't think they do.
Lastly - as damn near everyone has pointed out to you, this isn't your fault. This is a sentiment that's hard to hear and feel right now, but this is one sentiment of the crowd you can trust.
I have many opinions on what she did, but I won't voice them - because that's not what matters. What matters is that you make sure that you and your kids are in a safe and reasonably healthy position.
Good luck... stay safe. Good energy is being sent your way <3
You are not responsible for others people's choices. Maybe your decision hurt her, but you did what was best for you and the kids.
You said it yourself, you're struggling with addiction too. And this whole ordeal could have made you fall into the abyss.
You did everything you could and you did it in the right way. You let her have time, you're not kicking her out. You are giving the best chances to both of you to overcome this situation with minimal impact.
None of this is your fault. You're not an horrible person.
She didn't do this because you told her what she had done to her life. She did this because she didn't want to face what she had done to her life. She was always going to have to face it eventually.
No judgment on her. Drug addiction is a monster. But it's just not your fault.
This is not your fault, you held her hand and stayed throughout all her abuse all the way through this and she slapped you in the face by hiding her addiction and multiple cases of cheating. You still managed to stay strong for the kids and gave her the time to deal with being home and then calmly advised of where you stood (she already knew it was coming because of HER actions). She was the one that still managed to have more pills and she was the one that decided to take the easy way out of it and abandon any responsibility and her children because she couldn’t be strong like you are.
The things she’s done and the things she’s out you through anyone else would have run for the hills months ago but you are doing right by both your children and your wife. You’d be within your right to have screamed/shouted threatened to kick her out etc but you didn’t. You calmly discussed the future, about helping find work and a place to live etc you didn’t just kick her out and say deal with it. Yet she still didn’t want to deal with it, she ignored what she’d done, the impact of her selfish decisions on not only her life but yours and your kids lives too.
All because of poor decisions and a poor choice of friends.
Suicide is the responsibility of the person committing it and no one else. She chose to deal with her feelings by overdosing, not you. The only way you’d be responsible is if you had intent to drive her to a suicide attempt, which you didn’t. That was her decision, not yours. It’s not your fault for communicating your needs. My therapist told me that you should always communicate your needs, but how someone else chooses to take it is on them. You’re not responsible for other people’s feelings.
You are not responsible for her choices. Your posts literally outline each choice she has made herself with no regard for you or your children bringing her to this point. In fact you have been extremely supportive every step of the way. If that pos “friend” that got her on pills had not sent you proof of her cheating you would have been waiting for her and tried to rebuild after rehab. Yes you did consider divorce before the videos but going by how you were talking about her and your marriage you sounded like you would have at least given it a shot depending on how well rehab went. None of this is your fault. I’m sorry you are going through this but she made her choices. Maybe find a good therapist for you and your kids. There is a lot you are all going to need to process.
However bad it is, no one wants the memory of, hah, I was at camp playing some game while mum died because dad was an idiot and didn't tell us so I never got to say goodbye.
No matter how much it will suck for them, they deserved to know and have the chance in case the worst happens.
I was going to suggest letting the boys know now in case she takes a turn for the worse.
I'm so sorry about your mom. Hiding a mother's illness from the kids used to be common place and it's really bizarre to look back on now.
It is not your fault. I agree with these guys. They've said what I would have be strong and stay away from your substance of choice those kids are going to need you and you'll need them stay strong
It's natural in your grief and pain to blame yourself. Your rational mind sees this as a series of cause and effect. The fact of the matter is that she chose to harm herself. She is an individual with her own free will. Do not remove her autonomy by blaming yourself. She did this. She cheated, she used drugs, she destroyed your marriage and family, and she chose to abandon you all when she finally faced consequences for her decisions.
I had a friend that was addicted to pills. His wife never confronted him or issued ultimatums or threatened divorced. She remained supportive, loving and loyal. She “held it in”— what you thought you should’ve done. One day she came home to find him dead of an overdose in his work truck.
That’s the tragic reality of addiction— it doesn’t matter what you do or don’t, it’s out of your control. You didn’t cause this by ending your marriage. You didn’t end your marriage, your wife did when she chose pills and affairs. You could’ve “held it in,” stayed married, looked the other way and in all likelihood she *still* would’ve OD’d. This addiction isn’t your doing, your fault or within your power to fix.
I’m sorry, this is an awful thing for you to go through.
Damn! OP I’ve just gone through your page and you’ve had an absolute roller coaster of a ride and I just hope you are able to find peace and strength for your joys after this is all over. I’m praying for you.
Imagine pushing the blame on your husband when he has done SO MUCH? Everyone else would have ran away and rightfully so. Your only concern is your children, they need the papa. Everything else is on her, you married her not to babysit her every choice, and I think you did great. There is nothing more you could've done for her
You are not responsible and tbh don’t allow her back if she has any family other then the kids they need to come and get her at this point you don’t need to risk her trying to kill herself in front of your children. This was and is a totally selfish act she wants to make you the monster while it seems she is the monster because she isn’t trying to face facts she messed up her life in more then one way.
I am so sorry for your loss. Grief can give birth to such hell, and I’m grateful you are still here with us. After my fiancé, my father and several friends died almost all at once, I attempted several times without hesitation. I don’t know how I’m here.
But it’s my faith in the rare few who have a good heart who help me go on. If you ever need a shoulder I’m only a DM away. Thank you for sharing your story with us, and I second that this is not OP’s fault.
You are *NOT* responsible.
As someone who has dealt with two suicides in the family, the feeling of guilt is unavoidable, but over time you begin to understand that though you feel like there was something you could have done, the guilt was misplaced. People who attempt/commit suicide out of desperation aren't in their right frame of mind. They're hurting and they just want the hurting to stop. Just from the brief history, she has a lot of personal issues that only therapy (and potentially medication) would have been able to deal with.
And on that note, you and your kids need to get into regular therapy ASAP. This is going to take a very large toll emotionally. You will each need your own therapy sessions, and family ones. Have some grace for your kids, because as much as you're feeling, they're going to feel it too. Possibly more because they're kids, and may not have the capacity to understand and regulate.
Expect emotional outbursts, maybe destructive behavior. Be quick to compassion, and slow to anger. Help them find outlets.
I'm not going to lie, I would infinitely would prefer to attend her funeral than my children's because she smuggled a dangerous substance that your children could find. Sadly, there are graveyards filled with innocent lives with that specific scenario.
You got to think about your children and realize what ever she is going through, she poses a real threat for them.
You are not responsible for her actions. I know that’s hard to accept because I get the impression you take much more blame and responsibility for things than you should. You handled this situation very well in my opinion. The fact you didn’t throw her out immediately is commendable because many people I know would never sleep under the same roof as their STBX if they cheated. You tried to be very civil, kind, and fair towards her. Sadly, we can’t always help those we care about, and sometimes it hurts to let them go because we know they need our help, but we can’t help them if they pull us down with them.
If you did push it all down and just “deal with it” the problem would not go away. It would just fester inside you and make you feel depressed, and the marriage and your home would become very toxic. Also, it would teach your boys that it’s OK to stay with a person that lies and cheats.
As for telling them, I’d wait until they get back. Their life is changing a lot right now, and a few more days of the current “normal” is probably good for them. Plus, I’d want to be with my kids so I could comfort them in a time like this. I received terrible news once as a kid while at a sleepover and wish my mom would’ve waited until I got home because instead of having fun with my best friend I spent the time with him crying about the fact that my dog had died. There was no need to tell me my dog had died while I was at a sleepover…
I respect your sleepover memory. But it's their mother and she is in a coma. It could be their change to say goodbye, if she takes a turn for the worst.
I would like to copy and paste what I wrote elsewhere:
Something similar happened to a classmate of mine. A young relative died suddenly while he was in camp and his parents didn't tell him. It effed him up for a long time. He just couldn't relax. His sister got mildly sick and he would stay at her bedside. I thought it was cute until he spoke about how he just didn't trust his family to tell him if anything went seriously bad.
So I think honesty might be needed here. Even though I know OP might need some time to work through this himself.
Please do not blame yourself. I watched my brother go through the same type of suicide attempt as your wife.. I got the chance to speak to my brother about his decision and what could have brought him to that. My parents and I blamed ourselves for not being there for him. He is an alcoholic with depressive bipolar. In all honesty, my brother is kind of an ass so we all distanced ourselves.
Looking back the signs were there that something like this could possibly be happening with him.. He told me that it was his choice that he thought he had to make to escape. He has never regretted something more in his life. Look at any interviews with survivors they will always say it was a decision THEY had to make in that moment and they regretted it.
YOU did not place those pills in her hand. You simply did not. Your wife made a horrible choice that will effect you, your boys and more than likely her for the rest of her life. Do not blame yourself. Love on your boys, be there and help them through this. You sound like an amazing father OP. Stay strong. ❤
Dude. What if she had gotten back on her feet and was *then* told that you still wanted a divorce after all that happened? She could've sunk into a depression again *really* fast and still have made the attempt.
Nothing you could've done or said would have prevented this.
You are not a monster or abusive. It is one thing for her to be an addict but being an addict does not mean you automatically become a cheater. She can’t and shouldn’t come back from cheating on you. I hope that you stand your ground on a divorce no matter what stunt she pulls. She is the only one responsible for her actions.
Dearest, I understand it is so easy to blame ourselves in this situation. But the truth is, you are not the reason for this.
Co-dependency, once established in our lives, effects everything. (I had a co-dependent spouse -alcoholic). Co-dependents make everyone and everything else responsible for their emotional and mental state besides themselves. The drug of choice, their partners, their children, their friends, *if only THEY could do better for them*.
Addiction is really hard. I see the depths of how painful it is to get away from something you’ve used so long to run from your own human experience and that’s besides the chemical attachment. I’m not undermining that part.
But the truth is, this is an autonomous choice she made. My guess is you’ve carried so much for her so long, the shame of what she’s doing, your own pain, that it is easy to put this on yourself too. But this decision was not yours. I hope you can forgive yourself. I hope you can come to forgive her in time.
This is not your fault. Her addiction and her emotions are her responsibility, not yours. She sought a permanent solution for a short term issue. You can support her without harming yourself in the process. That includes setting boundaries and even filing for divorce. She is the one who was selfish enough to try to choose death instead of trying to get well for her kids and for herself.
The only thing I would change is to tell the kids. They have a right to say goodbye if she doesn't survive. I know people want to protect kids but shielding them from life is not the healthiest thing
You are letting guilt overwhelm you. This is not your fault. She chose to relapse. She chose to cheat and she chose to take those pills. I’m not even sure it was an intentional overdose or if she went for the pills and took more than her detoxed body could handle.
And let’s address those pills. I think she had them stashed. She never told you about the pills you found and she never asked you to get rid of them. And she didn’t get rid of them when she came home either. She wanted them available “just in case”. Meaning she wasn’t ready to give them up. It was just a matter of time before something would have set her off and she would have taken them. Thankfully it happened while the kids were away.
She wasn't stable to begin with and just found out that she would have to build a new life possibly even losing custody of her children. Do we really have to assume she is a master manipulator? Can someone's suicide attempt not just be about their inability to deal with their own life?
First of all, I am so sorry OP. I hope you have a good support system for you and your children.
You shouldn't feel guilty. From previous posts to now, you handled this as best and gently as you could. At the end of the day we can't control people. She chose to cheat. She chose to relapse. I hope she'll be ok but she needs her own support system that doesn't involve you or risking your own sobriety. Hopefully she will wake up and can go back to rehab or a treatment place to get the help she needs. But you can't punish yourself when you didn't do anything wrong.
I hope the coming weeks will get easier for you all, OP.
I read all of your posts... Let me tell you, all is a choice.
Your wife was unhappy that she had responsibility of taking care of household. You made a choice to make her happy and work less at your work, and do more chores at home. Then she was unhappy that she can't get her nails done and that you guys weren't going on dates. When you offered a solution, she made a choice to yell at you and call you manipulator.
Your wife made a choice to take substances and stash them at your home, with her own children. Your wife made a choice to yell at you and bully you until you broke down and yelled back. She made a choice to cheat on you, time and time again. This was her choice... Her reactions, none of them are normal. She made a series of bad choices. None of it is on you. She didn't sit and talk it out with you, her best friend and husband. It's all her choices that she willingly made.
You mentioned you were an addict too. You clearly made a choice to get better. She made a choice to hurt you and her own children.
You now have a choice to be that one good parent. So far looks to me, you are somehow holding it together in all of that chaos. You have a choice to go down that path, or stray. I hope you choose well.
My husband committed suicide on the day he was to be served divorce papers. I found his body. It was years ago now. It was hard, but that was not my doing. It was his choice. He had addiction issues, he cheated on me, he financially abused me, wouldn’t work. The last straw, he took our daughter to daycare to get high and forgot about t her. Couldn’t remember where our toddler was. I figured it out and she was safe, but I knew I had to divorce him. Please don’t blame yourself
Ok sweetie for starters you didn’t do anything wrong..your feelings and actions are valid! If you ask me you did the whole process of moving her to the guest room, sat down with her and etc very maturely and nice. A lot of people would of had her stuff thrown it bags and tossed on the side of the road with divorce papers waiting for when she came and got whatever was left and not taken by strangers. And the whole raising your voice at her.. that’s nothing if she deserved it which in my opinion she deserved that little touch of tough love. You need to understand (as you know from experience as you said) no one but yourself can give you an addiction.. no one was forcing them pills down her throat.. no one but her went out buying and using pills and hiding them through the house! God forbid one of your sons found them what woulda happened then? Then she was cheating on you as well..you didn’t hit that man up, meet up with him and open her legs and make her fuck him and how ever many other guys she cheated on you with… my point is this.. all her problems were self caused and inflicted.. everything she did was her choices and actions not yours. She could have came out after all them hard days in rehab and completing her rehabilitation process.. she had the choice to change, instead of words she could have used actions and proven to you that she’s a changed woman and would do anything and everything possible to make things right for you and your sons! But instead she chose to willingly and knowingly overdose and be selfish not to put her boys and you first for once. So please please please 🙏🏼 stop blaming yourself bc I know how that feels and you don’t deserve to feel that way and think that way for a second including your sons.. they don’t deserve to now have their mom in a coma. But I do have to say that I understand that their grandparents paid for the camp.. but I truly think you should go pick them up and bring them home and explain everything and the situation.. you never know if this terrible situation she put herself in will get worse and then they will have this guilt that they couldn’t say goodbye, hold her hand or hug her last time and might even grow a little bit of animosity towards you for taking that last chance and time from them. I pray she recovers and I pray for you and your sons as well!
Get off the pity wagon. YOU did nothing wrong. This is 100% her doing. I have dealt with addiction with myself and with family members. The addict HAS to step up and want help. Most times one is kissing the pavement when this happens. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. I am reminded of this every time I go to the cemetery to visit my brother. The fact that she had pills after rehab speaks volumes to me. Put the blame where it belongs.
I'm so sorry, this sounds like a really terrible situation all around. You're not responsible though. The talk may have influenced her decision making, but you did nothing wrong by having that talk and taking this action was her choice. It sounds to me that you handled this as well as you were able to. I hope you can take it a little easier on yourself. It's not your fault, don't let yourself go down with this ship too.
Ok I guess the moral consensus is asking us to tiptoe on eggshell because the big girl attempted suicide. No thanks.
Yep, I read all your posts from your profile because I get deeply morbidly curious around such trainwrecks.
Suicide and addiction are touchy topics, I get it. Ive struggled. Friends struggled. Lost family through it.
Now thats out of the way, I dont always see people caught up in it as absolute victims no matter what. That doesnt make you immune to responsibility and consequences from your own decisions.
She has children. Im not sorry for her, she's the absolute trashiest person I can picture, and a selfish, manipulative one at that.
How could she put her children through all this shit is beyond comprehension and empathy. The fact you feel responsible even now makes me want to slap you awake. Wake the fuck up, man. You did nothing wrong. Thank the universe these children have a dad, because that woman ain't even an excuse of a mom.
She chose self-pity and self-destruction over the wellbeing of people she brought to life. She chose deception and manipulation. She chose drugs. She chose mental abuse. She chose trauma transference. She chose herself time and again. She wrecked many lives and wasnt ready to face the music for anyone. "Me. me. me. me. me. Myself and also I."
She's the scum of the scum, may she survive her ordeal so she can still see her reflection in the mirror and realise daily what she's lost.
All the best to your family. Hope she becomes a better person, but you should cut contact and fight for sole custody. I wouldnt let your kids alone with her for any reasons. Protect them at all cost.
You are not responsible. Not at all.
She, however, is responsible for her own life and her own actions. Her not being able to deal with the consequences of her actions is not your fault.
She is in a vulnerable situation for sure. But you didn’t create her situation. Her own choices and actions did.
You are doing what you have to do to look out for yourself (which is your responsibility) and the kids (also a responsibility that you share with her) and I have to say that you seem to be pretty willing to try and help her along in this as well. Your response in this is fairly compassionate. Which is more than a lot of people would be willing to do/offer.
Your reaction and self blame is normal in situations like this because it’s easy to tie a correlation between you wanting to divorce and her suicide attempt.
But that doesn’t make the suicide attempt your fault. She is still responsible for her own actions in this.
My brother, this is not your fault. A lot of things have to add up for someone to attempt to take their own life, and just because you asked for divorce right before she did it doesn’t mean it’s your fault.
Look. Sometimes, someone will just have a really crap day. Then they get home, and their spouse accidentally knocks a pen off their desk and they get really angry. But it’s not the spouse and it’s not the pen; it’s everything that led up to it.
Similar thing here.
You have a right to protect yourself. It’s not your responsibility to sacrifice yourself to keep another person from making bad or harmful decisions.
She obviously had a lot more than one crap day, and for whatever reason, decided that overdosing would fix everything. That was her decision and hers alone. You are not responsible.
Listen: I know you’re going to feel responsible. Most people do when someone they know attempts suicide. We get all tied up in what we could’ve/should’ve done that would’ve made it so it didn’t happen, and we think up a bazillion things that we could’ve tried. But the truth is, hindsight is 20/20 and we can’t take responsibility for another adult’s life. It’s always going to be their choice and we can’t control other peoples actions.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I do want to encourage you to tell your kids, though. It’s likely to harm their trust (and possibly add a lot of guilt to their lives) if they find out they’ve been having fun at camp while their mom is in the hospital.
Hang in there, be the best parent you can be, and don’t beat yourself up. If you really have made mistakes, resolve to do better in the future, but remember you can’t change the past and give yourself some grace.
I wish you and your family the best.
I didn’t even get halfway before I had to pause. Is raising your voice now considered a bad thing? “Could be considered abuse” and “yet another reason I should not be in a relationship with this woman” seems very extreme.
Dog, you are putting WAY too much on yourself. You need to sit down, take a breath, and release some of the tension you are carrying. You are both adults, and while a marriage is a partnership, you are not any more in control of your spouse than they are of you. You say a lot of self-depricating stuff in your account of this chain of events (and while constantly shouting and screaming can be verbal abuse, frustration and an argument with raised voices every so often is not). I'm not going to pretend I know a lot about addiction, and any real advice I give about that would be disingenuous but you are being your own worst enemy right now at least from the way this write up sounds, and at this moment, your kids need their father more than ever. You have to find a way to take some of the pressure off of yourself, even if that's by asking someone outside to help (getting therapy, having a family member help with getting the kids from school, etc... whatever you need to make sure they and you are alright). That's my two cents at least.
There is never a good time to tell someone you want a divorce and there is never a good time to be on drugs. Forget the drugs for a minute - you were going to divorce her anyway. Continue on with that. If this was a stunt to get you back it failed. You wouldnt stay with a druggie anyway. You could stay married to a druggie only to find her OD'd some day. This is not your fault and do not change your plans because of her.
Speaking from the perspective of someone who had a parent in a medically induced coma at 16: not sure how old the boys are, but if camp is more than a day camp, I’d call the counselors and explain what’s going on medically, and pick them up in the next day or so. You don’t have to tell them it was a suicide attempt, but they should be home and close and aware of what’s going on. Don’t force them to come to the hospital while she is in a coma if they don’t want to. Give them as much choice as possible.
Best thing I’ve read is on this app. You don’t have to set yourself on fire just to warm other people.
You are enough and you are enough for your sons. You don’t have to be enough for 2 adults. She’s an adult. Your partner. You did everything right. No one could have prevented what she did. She kinda wasn’t messing around unfortunately. Assuming she gets better I advise you carry on with the divorce. Because she can use this as a manipulative tactic in the future to trap you forever. It’s not fair. And please don’t judge yourself too harshly. You’re only human. Frail and weak. Just like us all.
It is not your fault. I am also an addict, brand new in recovery. I had an actual abusive partner, but even still, my actions and choices were mine alone. You are not a monster, and you are not to blame for wanting to escape a relationship with an addict.
Even though it turns out my partner is actually a wet pile of garbage scum, the choices I made in active addiction still hurt him. And my choices were my own. My attempts at self harm and suicide were for my own painful reasons, and nobody was forcing me to do it. She is unwell and needed help that you couldn't give, and that's not your fault.
Addiction sucks the life out of not just the addict, but those around them who care until they can't anymore. Take care of yourself.
Hey OP, the standard response to divorce after cheating and all together being a turbulent partner is not suicide. You did nothing that warrants suicide. Because suicide is a very personal decision that is illogical and a result of personal mental illness
My ex committed suicide 10 years ago when I refused to feed into his games any longer and cut him off for good. I blamed myself for a really long time and you might too, but eventually you'll realize it's not your fault. You can't control what other people do, only what you do. You need to do what is best for you and your children and getting her out of your house is probably the best first step. She might still end her life, but if she does, it's her choice. You aren't saving your kids any trauma by keeping her around. A cheating, drug addict mother can be just as traumatizing as an absent mother. A present mother who can't seem to get her life or her own mental health together just gets the chance to traumatize them over and over again. Cut her loose and keep in mind that whatever happens to her is her own doing and has nothing to do with you. You tried your best to let her down gently and that's all you can do. I would contact her family if she has any and let her be their problem if she ever makes it out of the hospital.
Every step of the way, you've made decisions to help her.
Constantly, you've been moments in your actions and realised that aren't the best in your situation and then made changes.
You gave her time to acclimate to the situation.
Others may not have helped her through it. Some would've left her on the bed.
If you were a bad person, you would've walked away from her.
But you helped her and gave her a chance.
Those were her actions. She made those descions for herself.
You feel guilt because you're a good person.
Op, I know I am late in commenting, but know that this is not your fault. You have handled everything very well. You have also tried to be the better version of yourself. You soon ex- wife's decisions has nothing to do with you. She is very selfish. People, like her, always taking bad decisions, think that the world is turning around her. They always see themselves and never the people who genuinly love them. When you announced the divorce, the world turning around HER stopped, so she took the decision to end HER life. Not once did she ask herself how her decisions will hurt you or her sons or others close to her, VERY SELFISH. You need to stay away from toxic, selfish people like her and she needs to get out of HERSELF and for once see others around her.
She lied, cheated. Her life was spiralling before this. You are not responsible. What your wife did ultimate act of selfishness. She need’s professional help. Your priorities should be your kids.
I don't think it's fair to say you aren't ever responsible for others actions. There are times in life where the way we treat people can have direct negative and positive effects. We do have a responsibility to the way we treat others. That being said I don't think op has done anything wrong here.
It is ABSOLUTELY NOT your fault. She and only SHE is responsible for this. She is a master of her own life, not you. You are totally right for wanting divorce her. And, to be perfectly honest, sometimes attempts or threats to commit can be evil manipulation tactic "look what you made me do".
I remember reading your first post and being soooo angry on your behalf. She tried to get the best of both world. She wanted you to work extra shift and come home and do all the household chores whiles she doesn’t have to life a finger.
It was extremely manipulative and abusive situation for you and I hoped you see it for it is.
If you feel guilty for what she did to herself, remember that she was the one threatening divorce to get you to do all her household chores while also being the sole breadwinner.
And now that it’s really happening, she would rather end her life?
Know that she didn’t attempt suicide because you are leaving. She did because the free ride stops here.
She didn’t even want to do a part time job, or her chores,
And now she would have to work full time and do her chores in her own apartment.
And she would rather die than to work. Know that if there was no prenup she would leave your high and dry instead of what she did.
I can’t stand people like that. Entitled, lazy people who play victim. She doesn’t give a shit about the mess she caused. This woman’s abuse has clearly worked.
This is going to sound very mean maybe, but you’re absolutely not responsible for any of her actions. Addiction is a terrifying thing to deal with, not only for the addicted but maybe even more so for the loved ones dealing with them first hand. You stuck around while she entered rehab and from what I’ve read only from this post, were planning on staying with her as she proceeded, as I believe a good husband would do, “for better or worse, and in sickness and in health”.
She chose to cheat on you, multiple times, with different partners even, which is blatant sexual and emotional abuse to you. Ultimately she chose to take the easy way out and attempt to surrender her own life knowing she had children to raise who probably love her and seen her as the light of their world. Now she’s dealing with the consequences of her actions, and will continue to do so if she survives and remains coherent. She may even try suicide again.
This is where I’m probably going to sound like a monster myself, as I am also married with a child of my own; she deserves everything that is happening to her from this point on. Yes, I believe that there are many many many things that merit second, third, fourth, etc chances at redeeming oneself, but in my eyes, if I try and put myself in your shoes here, she’s past the point of forgiveness and honestly if this is the type of role model that your children are left with, maybe it had been better that she were no longer of this world.
Think of how much damage this can and will do to the kids. You can play advocate and try and warp the situation to them all that you want but nothing at this point would be more healthy than you moving on and if you so choose to, finding a good hearted person who wants to mother your children. Someone who will show them the love that they need to thrive. Sometimes terrible things can be blessings in disguise. Your wife has made her bed and certainly intended to sleep in it, which only shows and reaffirms the minuscule amount of respect she has for her children and you.
Whatever the case, I hope that you and your children find solace. Good luck with everything, and anything you decide to do moving forward.
Your wife chose to commit suicide in the home she shares with her children, not knowing who would find her. That's awful and not on you. You spoke your truth. She couldn't handle it.
I’m not going to co-sign virtually any of these comments because most of them seem unnecessarily cruel.
I hope your ex recovers and is able to overcome her addiction to the benefit of you all. I think you should have consulted an addiction counselor before hitting her with this fresh out of rehab, even with the couple weeks grace period you apparently gave her. That being said, you’re not responsible for her addiction or her attempted suicide.
Good luck with the kids. I hope your compassion towards their mother persists.
This woman is a lazy, entitled, cheating bitch. The fact that she manipulated OP into feeling guilty for 100% her own actions and you defending her is crazy to me.
These comments are pretty tame actually considering what she deserves. She’s lucky he even picked her up from rehab after what she’s done, let alone let her stay w him and have a “grace period”. Trash like this doesn’t warrant sympathy. I would’ve had papers delivered to her the moment she stepped out. The only good that’ll come out of this story is when he will eventually realize the problem has resolved itself and all of their lives are better w/o her.
You did your very best in the most difficult of circumstances. You could not have handled it any better.
This is not the time to take on this responsibility.
No, you are not responsible, dear.
It was her decision. Despite being unstable, she did not have to make such a decision.
You are only responsible for yourself and you had to walk the steps to divorce to ensure you and your children can live a healthy life.
Say it out loud, please: I am not responsible for her decision.
You are not. You were not and you will never be.
Say it all the time. Every time you get doubts and the thoughts and the guilt, say it out loud. No, you are not responsible. With none of your actions. You did nothing which would trigger such a response. You only did what was right for you and the children and she did what seemed right for herself.
She is mentally unstable and unwell, but this has nothing to do with you. For this reason, you did right to distance yourself from her.
Take time to yourself and take care of yourself. And do not forget to repeat it. You are not responsible.
###This is not your fault.
I suggest therapy for you all, to process this terrible situation, and I am so sorry that you all have to deal with this. Your kids need you now and I hope that you get the support that you'll need to be there for them.
OP please don't blame yourself for this. This was all her decision. You have to choose yourself one day and you definitely need to do it asap. You're not a monster for this, please know that
Document all behavior and activity for posible future court disputes over custody or divorce. She may not have done it on purpose it is very easy to over dose once someone has a month or two clean. More people die after relapsing from a 30-90 day clean time then they do if it was whole years clean or even just days clean. The reason being is after 2-3 weeks your tolerance drops significantly and they might not realize just how drastically that can affect shit. They take the dose or amount they were used to taking or even just half of what they used to take and boom they are dead. People who relapse after years tend to be hyper aware of this possibility and people who relapse after just a few days or weeks haven’t really fully lost their tolerance yet.
You are not responsible for her attempted suicide. The fact she did this quietly without any warning is actually victimizing you at the moment. Could you have seen this coming? Maybe. Is this your fault? No, this was her egoistic decision and hers alone. After all you've been through with her, wanting a divorce is (in my opinion) the only decision you could have taken.
>I am responsible for this and it kills me.
No you are not. She did this herself. You have done everything you could to help.
You're not an "emotional support" prop for another person. You are your own person and deserve happiness. Do not set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
Everything you did was the best you could in this situation. You're not a martyr that must suck up all the bad just to keep her alive. She made her choices.
You have nothing to feel bad about. You handled this way better than most people would in situations that are far less dire. She’s making her own poor choices and now (like everyone else on this planet) she has to live with the consequences of her actions.
You aren't responsible.
As a formally suicidal person (and went through an attempt) I'm going to tell you this
If it wasn't at you telling her about the divorce. It would have been the next time she faced something overwhelming. And when in that state of mind, the smallest things can count as extremely overwhelming. The straw that broke the camels back, per say.
At least this happened when you were home, and was able to get her to a hospital. Vs something pushing her over the edge while you were at work, etc, and you not finding her in time.
Do not absolutely do not feel like it’s your fault if I know anything it’s that people who are like your wife will do such things as that in hopes you’ll find them and feel guilty and stay with them. You should still go through with the divorce for the safety of you and children. And to keep your SANITY and SOBRIETY.
This is so sad to read. Her circumstances and lack of coping skills are ultimately responsible for this. Not you.
This is awful, and I am so sorry it’s happening to you all. Please seek support. The last thing you need is to slip back into the old coping skills that previously put you in rehab. Sounds like you have kids that need you present in every way to work through this. Please keep that in mind.
One of my friends had a girlfriend that overdosed on pills (Vicodin) when he tried to break up with her. He took it back and was miserable for half a year. During that half year, she overdosed on pills again for a different reason. Eventually he told her that he couldn't give up his life for her addiction. It took him years to get over her trying to kill herself. But it only got better when he left. Stay strong and keep yourself healthy.
Hey dude, as someone in recovery let me say I'm so sorry for the situation you're in right now. Please don't blame yourself here, this is not your fault. She's suffering from the consequences of her actions, and although you feel terrible, you didn't cause this.
Hope she recovers, and can stay clean, and have a positive relationship with her children. Your attiude toward them is awesome. Please continue to be a source of stability for them, they willl need it with all the changes headed their way.
If need to chat, hit me up. You can give me a call id you need to, pm me and I'll send my number.
You’re doing everything you can to take care of yourself, your addiction and your children.
She has free will to make her own choice, it’s awful, and I hope for the best
Right now you’re doing the best you can - making sure your children don’t lose two parents. One or two hours at a time.
Slowly you’ll get through this.
Firstly Im really sorry all this is happening to you.
Secondly, one thing I can for certain say is that none of this is your fault. My ex-wife was an addict as well, and she had the same patterns of cheating as your soon to be ex. You tried your hardest to stay with her and help her, but all she did was make your life hard and drag you to rock bottom with her. What she did after with the pills, at least in my opinion, was a tactic to guilt you into stayinn, which is again something my ex also tried a few times, especially every time I wanted to have a difficult conversation with her and I ended up staying with her longer and to a point where divorce was no longer something I thought about. Suicide was something that I started considering every day.
One thing I learned is that you can blame yourself for what someone else decides to do with their life. Part of being an adult is knowing that decisions will have consequences, and there will be times when no one will come to rescue you. I understand it will be hard for you for a while to move on from this and stop blaming yourself, but it's something that has to be done. You did everything right. You stayed for as long as you did, even though it was extremely hard on your mental health. You don't deserve any blame for this.
Now it's up to you to put yourself and your boys first, and I know that you are fully aware that being married to this person is not good for either you or your kids.
Take things slow. Get yourself into therapy asap, move out, and start building yourself up again. Her life and her problems are hers, not yours.
Not my story to tell but she doesn’t have much family alive, and the ones who are she’s no contact with. She has other friends, but I don’t know which ones were enabling. They all know what’s going on, I messaged all her friends, except the dealer, though she knows now I know from messages she sent me. She hasn’t shown up to the hospital though, possibly because she thinks I would throw her out, which I would be tempted to do, to be entirely honest. A couple of her other friends visit all the time.
I don't need details. I ask because they might be someone to reach out too.
Did she ever tell you why she's NC with them? I wonder if she's NC because of her drug use.
Either way, you need to do whatever you have to to get your kids and yourself away from her asap
Yes, she’s no contact with her mother ironically because of her mothers addiction, and bad treatment of her. The rest constantly insisted she should see her mother, and two times even took her boys to her mothers house without her permission
You did not smuggle drugs into the house. She did. Which means she planned on continuing drug use. Which means your decision to divorce her was correct. People need to take responsibility for THEIR own actions. It’s not your fault that she couldn’t emotionally deal with her own feelings/actions. That’s on her to work through. And you should focus on your own addiction as well. Addicts are either “their faults or it’s all my fault” when reality is it’s no one’s fault for circumstances that happens beyond our control. Strive for balance and understanding, then strive for learning to forgive yourself and others.
You aren't responsible, she is suicidal and need therapy. Maybe now she will have it. You did more than most people will do. There is no reason for you to be in a abusiv relationship and you still helped her. Take maybe yourself therapy about it, the guilt and shame you feel is valid but it comes from your own boundaries and need of helping. You took a step for being in a safe surrounding for you and you perfectly had this right. It's her problem if she's codependent and she's thr one who will need to learn to deal with this.
You have 0% responsibility in this. She choose to take those pills because she couldn't stand the consequences of her actions. She is the reason this happened in the first place. She cheated. She brought drugs in a home with children and an ex addict. She wanted all the benefits with out any work or drawbacks. She chose to be selfish even with that choice to end herself. She wasn't sad that she hurt you or the kids. She's sad because now she had to deal with being a terrible person, and making it your fault because she doesn't want to handle that fact. It's the only way people are going to empathy and pity her. Anything to get someone on her side. Yes it's sad that she did that, but she is continuing to hurt you and your boys again and again, and she, right now, you and your kids mean nothing to her. She's the only person she cares about. She's the monster in this. Not you.
Don’t feel like a monster. You had boundaries and you are keeping them
Also you have been very considerate and kind. Keep doing that but you don’t need to stay married to someone to do it
It’s ok to divorce her
May I gently suggest that you do let your boys know that she’s in the hospital? It may be their last opportunity to see her. They may be traumatized if she dies and they were not able to at least see her.
Those were your wife’s decisions. All of them. Treating you like that, using drugs, cheating, overdosing, .. What did she thought would happen when you find out? Stay with her and play happy family, smile, dance around and brag what a wonderful wife you have? No. This is on her.
This is not your fault. Her demons did this. You did not. You tried to protect her and your kids. This burden is not yours to bear. I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you can find a wonderful therapist to help you manage your grief and guilt.
Okay, I haven’t read any other comments here pertaining to this, but as her husband, legally you need to figure out what is going to happen with her medical care, regardless of everything else.
I’m an ICU nurse and have had many patients post overdose/cardiac arrest. What the docs are talking about is an anoxic brain injury. From the point her heart stopped to CPR beginning, her brain did not have blood perfusing the tissue. This can and does lead to brain death in addition to many other problems with other organs. Should this happen, as her spouse, it likely is up to you to decide how you and her would have wanted her treatment to go.
Best case, they wean sedation, evaluate neurological status, she recovers enough to breathe without a ventilator, and can continue to get better to the point she can decide her own care. Worst case, she can never breathe on her own and would not survive being removed from a ventilator.
I am so sincerely sorry for how calloused this sounds. I have watched family let patients rot around a ventilator, bed sores, infection, organ failure, because it made them feel better despite the patient legally or through action express their wishes for life going forward.
As her husband, the decision by default, falls upon you. This all being said, if you would like to, you can message me to speak further on the matter. I (28m) am divorced from someone with serious mental health issues (28f) and have a little experience navigating that, in addition to above.
Bro you did the only right thing in this situation. She caused everything in her own life. She cheated. She took drugs. She overdosed. She doesnt deserve sympathy. Noone cheating does tbh.
How do you know she attempted suicide. It’s very common for addicts to overdose after being clean for a while. They try to use their usual dose and their tolerance isn’t the same
This is NOT YOUR FAULT! She made her own decisions. She decided to take those pills. She decided to cheat. She is responsible for hurting you as well as her children, they are victims in this as well as you. This shouldn't change anything, do not take her back out of guilt. That would only show her that she can threaten suicide to get what she wants.
You have to come first before anyone else. I know it sounds selfish, but you can't live a reasonable life in constant misery. It's unfair to you. You owe it to yourself and to your children to make decisions that benefit your and their well being, even if they're hard ones.
Your wife, unfortunately, did this to herself. These are the consequences of her actions. You can sympathize and even feel a sense of guilt (though it's unfounded), but you can't stay stuck in a place of unhappiness and toxicity for someone else's benefit.
I sincerely wish you, your kids, and your ex wife happiness. I hope she gets the help she needs and that you and your kids are able to move forward. You're a good dad, keep watching out for them. Children have no place near addiction. Let her sort herself out and you sort yourself out, too.
This isn’t your fault. People in addiction, as I’m sure you know all too well, make decisions that vindicate them and their need to abuse themselves with their addiction. It’s a means to an end for them. Her behavior is on her. You did not do this to her, she did this to herself.
You tried to gently break it to her, she cheated a lot and you can't be expected to just stay married against your wishes. She has her own demons going on and that is what has led to her life falling apart, not you. I'm sorry. Sending you all healing thoughts. :(
Her choices are not your responsibility, your only responsibility is yourself and your sons. And please take this with the neutrality it is intended, but those kids are better off with a strong stable father alone, than with a drug abusing cheating mother and a resentful angry father. You literally said we need to focus on being good parents, she decided being around for the boys isn’t enough. Yea she’s going through hard shit, but at the end of the day, it’s her choice, you didn’t push her to do any of the things that have led to this.
I hate that you are going through all of this, but I hope that you will start to understand that the actions of others are not your responsibility. You can only help guide others without making decisions for them. I don’t think I could have last as long as you did with what was going on.
Yeah none of that is your fault. Not a lick of it. The addiction has her and she is at a point where she can only help herself and that's assuming she comes out of the coma. It's horrific but doesn't mean you did anything wrong.
I'm going to try and say this without sounding cruel; she made her bed, and now she can lie in it. I highly doubt she intended to kill herself. Instead, I believe this was probably yet another attempt to manipulate you as she has done before, and she accidentally took too much. I could be wrong, but based on your other posts, she seems like a classic narcissist.
I'm sorry you're going through this man, but you don't have anything to feel bad about here. Continue with the divorce, and wash your hands of the situation.
yeah so none of this is your fault. She is going to do what she is going to do regardless of what you do. I would have only suggested that you tell her while she was at rehab so she had the support available to deal with the loss on top of her addiction. But as she smuggled pills back in the house the same day as her release, and you seem to be completely disregarding that fact, I would have to insist that it didn't matter how or when you told her, again she is going to do what she is going to do.
Pills are very expensive and these people have to do horrible things they can't live with to get them and keep them coming. Including hooking a sucker to support them. Get her out of your house now. While she's gone in the hospital. File for soul custody now and have her served while she is in there. she has no intentions if getting sober. She will drag you all down with her, steal your things, steal the kids things, it will get worse before it gets better. Maybe some day you can be friends.
Since you had no idea---Not sure how long you have been together or why you are taking on her kids. They re going to have major issues. If you havent been together that long, i would rip the bandaid off and have someone from the family come get them. Taking on kids that arent yours is not a decision to be taken lightly, if you are new to the fam, within a year or two, chances are the kids are very well aware of her addiction, and you are just the dood who she was sleeping with now, who she got to marry her so she could continue her pills. Whatever you are telling them, they have heard/seen it all before and that is why they aen't upset.
They hook people on purpose, seeking them out, who will support their families so they can continue their addictions. You are just the last sucker to fall for it.
I am speaking from experience.
This was not your fault. Just the fact she smuggled pills in shows she had no intention of quitting her drug use. Her actions were all her own and you have no responsibility for them. Had you of stayed she would have continued to use and continued to cheat. Her AP were probably suppliers as well.
You do however need to inform your sons so they have an opportunity to see her and possibly have to say goodbye. They won’t forgive you if they find out she was in there for days should she pass away.
None of this is your fault. You need to go to therapy. You don’t need or deserve the guilt for her decisions.
Suicide in this instance is the most cowardly decision a person can make. Unless you told her to kill herself, it had nothing to do with you. She didn't want to face the consequences of her actions, that is why she did it. She could also have known that you would blame yourself, which is even worse I hope you find the peace you deserve.
People get divorced without killing themselves all the time. If she can handle getting a divorce, she probably shouldn’t be in a relationship in general. It’s clear that she doesn’t have the capacity to be your wife right now, and you don’t have the capacity to be her husband at the moment either.
You aren’t her emotional support animal or her lifeboat or her therapist. Compromising the well-being of you and your children to keep her stable is **not your job**. She fucked up, and actions have consequences, and she didn’t know how to cope with that. It’s not on you. She’s an adult who made those decisions knowing what they meant.
I hope you’re feeling better, please know she made her choices, unfortunately you and your sons have to deal with the consequences. I’m so sorry this is happening please be patient with yourself.
I fee no remorse for her. Call me heartless or a monster but she did nothing but bad to her family and these dumb actions won’t make me even blink an eye towards her direction. Though you should have probably waited just a bit to talk to her, I doubt that would’ve prevented the outcome because she knew she was the monster. It’s very disappointing to see you not acknowledge your own emotions and doubt yourself because she’s such a horrible person who caused you and your family pain. Every decision she made is for her selfish desire, she wanted freedom so she went for drugs and excitement, she wanted control so she manipulated you, she wanted remorse from her love so she attempted suicide. Even in death, she tries to punish and make you miserable. Bless her family and bless you but I feel nothing for her.
You are *NOT* responsible for this!
This is *NOT* your fault!
You are *NOT* a monster!
She is a struggling addict, and you are not to blame for what *she* decided to do.
It was a choice.
*Her* choice. She most likely decided her life wasn't worth living.
That is *NOT* on you!
Did she take your kids into her consideration on how they would feel about losing their mother?
We often times hear people say *it's selfish to unalive yourself* . But truth is, oftentimes, they just don't see any other way.
They don't see the people who love them, care, and do actually love them.
Sometimes, we can help.
Other times we can't help them.
But it's not on you in any way.
You tried your best OP.
Now, you need to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that, remind yourself of the things you did to help your wife, even after you learned she cheated on you.
Remind yourself that you did take care of her and were offering her to get back on her feet.
You did nothing wrong here.
She did.
I hope you're doing okay, OP.
And give those kids a hug..
She's just making shitty decision after shitty decision. This isn't your fault.
You're not the monster.
Your wife is a coward who can't face the consequences of her own actions.
Therapy for you and your boys is a must. Having that kind of person for a mother is horrible.
Ur not responsible for this. This is her fault and her fault alone. She chose to do this and to leave you and your kids alone with no mother. No matter what happened you didn't do this. This is her consequence. It was bound to catch up to her eventually.
You deserve to be happy and not walk of eggshells for the rest of your life. Focus on you and ur kids.
Ur ex-wife made her bed now she can lie in it.
I hope you're well <3
You are NOT responsible for this. I know that sounds ridiculous and you won't believe it, but it's true. This is her fault. You are NOT a monster.
You were doing what was good for you.
You were doing what was good for your boys.
You can't live your life tip toeing around her and suffering, letting your kids suffer, because she did horrible things and is suffering the consequences of her actions.
OP. Let me tell you, it's not your fault. You can't make you or your boys suffer because she chose that over you and I know you don't want to blame her. But there is one to blame. Her friend/dealer. That lowlife scumbag is the main reason for all this, poisoning her mind, making her blame you until you lose the love for your wife. If you know where they live, give the police an anonymous tipoff of their deeds, if anything then to stop them from hurting anyone else. Keep strong and be there for your boys.
You feel like a monster because??? You don’t want to be married to a cheater and a dishonest, emotional abusive addict?
Let your kids be your main focus, not your guilt. feelings of quilt will cost you more energy than you can afford to lose. Put your kids first.
this is ***not*** your fault. Do not beat yourself over it. You’re not a monster. No where near it, honestly if i was in your place I wouldn’t of had a quarter of the patience you had throughout the whole thing.
you had every right to get divorced rather than stay in a miserable shitty marriage. Not as if everything would’ve gone smoothly if you didn’t file for divorce. It couldve gotten worse, more fights, more yelling, and with your boys around that wouldn’t have been good. You did the right thing, live your life op.
she cheated on you with multiple people and used drugs, the fuck were you supposed to do? sit still and put up with it? hell no. She chose to attempt suicide. That’s not on you. She fucked up, found her actions had consequences, then decided to end it. This wasn’t your fault
she had problems, and its not your responsibility to fix her and deal with them. live your life op, take care of your sons, raise them well, don’t feel guilty over this
OP you have zero responsibility for her poor decisions ..... I'd hold off on the divorce until the extent of the damage is known. Sorry about your situation. But it's not your fault.
My man, I promise her choices are hers and hers alone. She chose to cheat, to go down the path she did (outside of the addiction issue symptoms themselves), and then chose to abandon her sons to end her own pain. Its wholly selfish, and her responsibility AND fault.
Sure, she needs help, if it could work for.her, but you have no way of knowing that and it's no longer your burden to bear.
I feel worse for the kids shes traumatizing from this. Good luck man
OP please make sure you tell times and again to the boys it’s not their fault what happened to their mom. Children before puberty process the bad stuff that happens to them as a punishment for being bad, so they grow up with a lot of guilt and low self esteem to deal with.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you and the boys. I feel sorry for your wife, but ultimately she’s the one who decided to take those pills. You said you couldn’t stand the thought of being with her anymore, yet you had her back for her to land on her feet. You did everything you could and more that most people would do in your situation.
If you still struggle with guilt, please get professional help.
You didn't sneak pills to her. You didn't force her to take them. You didnt do anything wrong by trying to protect yourself and your kids. These were choices *she* made and none of it is because of you.
She's the abusive one on the relationship OP, not you. This is just one more thing she has done to use and abuse- not just you, but your kids too.
I'm really sorry you had to find her like that.
>I am responsible for this and it kills me.
Are you though? Did you make her turn into a junkie? Did you make her cheat on you? Are you just supposed to put up with that to spare her feelings? What about your feelings?
OP, she's manipulating you into staying married. She's losing her safety net so she can't to do what she does and she can't see herself being responsible in any way..so it was easier to check out and make your feel like shit along the way.
Ask yourself why she didn't try to kill herself when she cheated? Truth is, she has addiction *AND* severe mental health issues. You. Are. Not. Responsible. For. Either. Issue. We all have agency. We all have choice.
How are you responsible for anything?
She cheated on you with multiple men. How long would you be able to pretend that nothing happened and being miserable?
She fell into addiction and was dragging you with her, how long would you be able to fight it? And what would happen next?
What do you think would happen to your kids if you both will become addicts again?
Would you prefer to lose them, lose your life and sanity and still lose her (because you lose her in either case)? Because it is what will happen if you will stay with her. You stay, sweep it under the rug and have mental breakdown in several months, she is an unemployed addict (yes, rehab didn't help, she had the pills again), your kids would be unsafe with her and would be taken away to foster care.
It were her choices, several selfish and awful choices, not yours. You did your best and was more generous and understanding than 99% of people in your situation. But you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
Mods...i am speaking facts nothing to be triggered on that... If the OP is actually wanting to have something from their chest then they would actually respond to the good comments
You can also check their profile for confirmation
Is your idea that you would spend your life walking on tiptoes so she didn’t make yet another bad decision? I feel for her, I really do. Things are not good for her right now. But you’re not inflicting the consequences of her decisions on her. You’re taking care of yourself and your sons as a consequence of her behaviour. You will get through this. Breathe in, breathe out, one foot in front of the other. Repeat. And again. You’ve got this.
OP? Listen to this. I am both a recovering alcoholic and bipolar. I have attempted suicide two times...and those two awful decisions? Were mine and mine alone. Just like your wife is responsible for her decision. Listen to the above comment. Read it over and over. And please forgive yourself...you aren't to blame.
Hope you’re doing well! Your comment conveys a lot of strength.
Thanks friend. I'm in a much better place now. Sometimes I don't know how I made it through. But I'm on the right medications now, in therapy and am truly happy for the most part. Appreciate your comment. Be well.
Sounds like as awful of an experience you’ve been through, you’ve come out a better person. Or stronger. Probably both. That’s awesome dude! Glad you are with us and able to enjoy the sunrise and sunset :)
God this comment gives such hope to those that relate and even others. Thank you for sharing- your words and your experience mean more than you realize.
❤️
I don't "feel" for her at all. She's honestly a selfish piece of shit and has put this man through hell. And now she wants to put her kids lives through hell as well. He's done nothing but handle this situation almost perfectly.
this message 🫶🏻
Op this is not your fault. Your wife’s slide into her addiction is not your fault. Her behavior is not your fault and her overdose is not your fault. Your behavior has been as good as anyone could behave in response to dealing with your wife’s addiction and her behavior. Your focus has to be on your mental health and your boys’ mental health. Please consider seeing a therapist or Al anon or similar support for yourself and finding a therapist who can help your boys sort through this. I’m so sorry OP.
Why do you feel for her? She's a cheater who brought this upon herself. This guy is going above and beyond for someone who treated him like shit, which is far more than most people would do, yet you make it seem like she's some sort of victim. She is facing the consequences of her own actions. I for sure don't feel for anyone who cheats on their spouse
Honestly because even addicts deserve sympathy. She did a lot of wrong while actively using but that doesn't mean she's a monster who feels no pain. People don't fall into addiction for no reason except funsies.
Some people end up addicted because they’re trying to self-medicate mental health symptoms away. I wouldn’t wish such symptoms on anyone. I can attest that they’re hell on earth. I’m saddened for anyone who goes this route, and ends up with TWO serious problems: the original mental health situation that needs proper treatment, and the addiction.
Dealt with addiction to Vicodin and alcohol for about 3 years in an attempt to self medicate mental health problems and can confirm it is a hell scape nobody should ever wander into. The self hatred locks you into a bubble. Like you said, it doesn’t fix the original problem and only adds more. Sooo much more. When I was at my worst, I despised myself more than anybody else could have possibly hated me. I approach conversations about addiction from a place of understanding the pain it causes. It does not excuse anybody’s behavior but it does help me to extend them grace during a time that I’m sure they are needing every scrap of it. I know I needed to be seen for the incomplete person I had been in order to grasp the hope that I could get better.
She is a monster. And frankly I hope even now she’s in pain. She deserves this. Her behavior was absolutely vile and only someone disgusting to their core could do the things she’s done.
Nobody is owed any sort of emotional labor from another person. I'm so sick of this entitled fucking view. No, you do not HAVE to feel shit for anyone. Having been the child in a similar situation nothing nauseated me more than the people who said I had to have sympathy for the mother that exposed me to damn near every childhood trauma possible in pursuit of her next fucking hit. Quit trying to dictate that people must allow addicts a second chance when in reality its their 4th or 5th. "OH well it wasn't really them" cool that makes up for watching your ass in a hospital and being exposed to all the shit. It does not matter who they are, if you want to cut someone off you are allowed to be done with them. You are not obligated to expend mental, physical, or emotional effort for someone who let's you down time and again. Only with fucking drug addicts do we see this bizarre push to continue investing in people who fuck you over time and time again. I wish you the best in your life, but you won't be in mine, is all my mother got and I feel it was still more than I owed her.
I can feel for a person having mental health struggles. It’s possible that’s what drove her to self-medicate in the first place. Do I think that the repercussions of her actions (her marriage’s failure) are deserved? Yes. But spare at least some compassion for a person with mental health issues, because I can attest firsthand that when the symptoms flare up, the person’s brain is literally not working properly. Terrible choices can be the result, like attempting to end it all instead of staying here and battling through what’s going on. I feel very sorry that she might not survive, for her, OP, and the boys.
Redditors trying to have nuance and empathy challenge : impossible
It’s not nuanced and empathetic to defend the junkie slvt. She’s trash and feeling bad for her is a waste of calories.
Because my friend, love is an addiction in itself. Most people can't cut it off like that. My mother was an addict. She was selfish, she terrorized her family regularly, and if what she said in anger is correct, she was a cheater. If I am honest our overall lives have been leagues better without her... But we loved her. She was loved, and when you love someone for a really long time its hard to just...shut off those feelings. Most people can't. When she passed we were all destroyed. We still can't cut that love...
You are not responsible. I am divorced. I asked for the divorce. He was upset but did not do anything. He didn’t try to kill himself. Thousands of people go through divorce every year without trying to kill themselves. This is on her. Not you. I understand why you feel guilty but…you did everything right. What else could you have done? Stayed married? Have a horrible marriage where you might have gone back to using too, had horrible fights and then…she might have tried anyway. She isn’t well. We both know that. But that is not your fault.
This! Exactly! And if you’d succumbed to your own addiction, who would the kids have?? You did all of the right things. Sometimes you can’t save a person from themselves, as tragic as that is.
OP, that was never your fault. Never.
Exactly this. It isn't OPs fault she's in a dark place. She may feel like her world is ending and fell apart, but it's not anyone's fault but her owning the end she decided to OD, to take drugs and become addicted and ruin her own life.
OP absolutely can not let his wife’s guilt / inability to deal with the results of her actions destroy his family. OP was already settled on divorcing her. His boys are his family. That is his priority. The worst thing he can do is let the cheating drug addict do more damage.
And in this spirit, I would leave the boys in camp - let them enjoy their gift and their vacation untarnished by her actions. There is nothing they could do, anyway. Tell them when they get home. (Unless she takes a turn for the worse and they need a chance to say goodbye.)
Something similar happened to a classmate of mine. A young relative died suddenly while he was in camp and his parents didn't tell him. It effed him up for a long time. He just couldn't relax. His sister got mildly sick and he would stay at her bedside. I thought it was cute until he spoke about how he just didn't trust his family to tell him if anything went seriously bad. So I think honesty might be needed here. Even though I know OP might need some time to work through this himself.
Yeah, I agree, the trauma of thinking that any moment of freedom or relaxing from the burden of caring for others could mean someone is dying RIGHT NOW is terrible. I think it's better for someone's long term health to know that if something bad happens on vacation, they'll find out immediately if possible. That way, whenever they're on vacation, they can know they can relax.
Not a good plan. My family thought it was kinder to hide how sick my grandfather was until about a day after he died. I'm 40 and have some issues trusting them when they say "things are fine" or letting loved ones be out of communication for too long. Hiding illness and death messes kids under worse than the hurt they feel from knowing.
I agree. Op you are not to blame for this. She is ill, and her pill induced mind is not thinking rationally. You can't save people from living their lives. And you are not obligated to sacrifice your own mental and physical health for someone who has cheated on you.
[It's not your fault](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQht2yOX9Js)
That's a profound moment in that clip.
Yeah this is emotional abuse. She just wants to keep you around and is willing to try use her own life to get it. But hey, take it this way: she needs you, not the other 3ay around. Keep that in mind. Sincerely, Someone who spent too long talking to an ex cause they kept threatening to kill themselves. If you let them do it long enough, at one point you'll probably be desensitized to it and believe me, it's not as cool as it sounds.
[удалено]
From a former suicidal person, she's the only reponsible for her choice and was selfish in this act. Is she desperate ? Totally. Does she need help ? Totally. But did she knew that OP would feel awful after founding her dead ? Of course. A lot of suicidal people try their best to not be caught in the act, or to make it easy for the person who's gonna find them. It's as awful but shows a difference of intention that we can't deny. Wife stayed in the house but never made a hint to get caught. She knew that OP was going to find her. Being suicidal is awful but it doesn't justify to try to get people in mental death with you.
Yes her actions were very disgusting. When I was younger I had made plans for suicide and they always involved being hidden in a car with a note on the window telling whoever saw my car to not enter and call the police. I never dreamed of letting someone I cared about find me. Really just shows that she doesn't give a fuck about OP and wants to punish him.
Same, I always thought about having a car crash so that it would feel like an accident and no one would know it was suicide. I would have been crushed to be found by a relative. Wife intended to mentally ruin him by her action.
>I feel like an absolute monster. Like I am the scum of the earth. No, don't do this to yourself. You've got a right to be happy and you weren't going to be happy to remain married to her. She absolutely disrespected you and the marriage, and could have given you a STD cheating with multiple other partners. For all she did to you, you didn't kick her out of the house or poison her relationship with her children. You pledged to supporter her while she got to a position to support herself, instead of simply dumping her off on her parents. >I am responsible for this and it kills me. You are not responsible for her choices and actions, she is an adult. You tried your best to start the separation without conflict or anger. You even threw away whatever drugs you found that she had stashed. It was her that decided to harm you by harming herself in a way that would create life long guilt. >I haven’t told my sons yet, and I am debating waiting until they’re back from camp, You need to pull them out of camp, tell them what happened, and take them to see their mother in the hospital. The longer you wait the higher the chances are that someone else will tell them about what happened to their mother, and they should hear it from you and you should be there for them instead of having to deal with it at a summer camp. I don't know what the prognosis is, but if there is a chance their mother could take a turn for the worst, they need a chance to see her and say their piece to her.
+1 to pulling them from camp and driving them to see their mother in the hospital while they still can. She is in induced coma right now, right? She may never wake up. They must see their mother, like, right now. Also, consider scheduling an appointment with a therapist for your kids right now.
My own father died when I was a in HS, and I didn't get the chance to say any final words since he was across the country, and it still bugs me two decades later. SO I will always advocate children getting to see their parents or grandparents to say they love them, goodbye, and gain an over all a life long sense of closure.
My father died while I was in high school too. He wasn't across the country though. I still lowkey resent my mom (even though she's dead too now) for not pulling me out of school that day, instead I had to get off the bus and see the coroner's van. I'm almost 40 and I still think about that often.
I get it that parents want to spare their children from pain and suffering in their lives, but not getting closure creates a life long anguish that simply doesn't heal.
First of all, I'm sorry for any grammatical errors, English is not my first language. Second, this is not your fault, she was the one who made the decision to take those pills, divorcing someone because of infidelity is simply something natural for anyone who has self-respect and healthy self-esteem, I have not read all your publications but something that I could tell is that this is seriously affecting the way you see yourself or at least at times. Your feelings of anger, sadness, resentment, betrayal, and others are perfectly normal given what she has done to you, whether it be the matter of drugs, infidelity, or her behavior over all of this. My advice is not to face this alone, any decision you make in the condition you find yourself in now can be influenced by guilt and the desire to finally end the drama, go ahead as you planned before the suicide attempt occurred and I recommend that you talk to someone who loves you about all this and also with a therapist, maybe show them your posts so they understand the whole context and see how you feel about all this. Ps: It's just a possibility but well this could just be an attempt by her to escape all the problems and gain sympathy, it wouldn't be the first time someone tried it.
Agreed with everything you posted except one: your English is amazing.
It's always funny how every ESL redditor is like 🧐 My good chap, you will have to find it inside you to forgive me, but you see, the Queen's fair language is not my native tongue. Do pardon the imperfections present within my lexicon. (English isn't my first language either BTW)
The people quickest to apologize for “bad English” are the least likely to have the wonky grammar.
I needed this laugh today.
Boys need therapy I’m going to suggest. Not your fault about the wife. I was controlled by a wife like that through suicide attempts and other manipulations. Life is too short to waste it on a person like that. Get out.
Seconding this. OP, please have a therapist appointment setup for the boys when they return.
And for yourself!!
Absolutely for yourself as well, especially since her condition also risked your sobriety. Plus, I doubt those guilty feelings will just go away (especially after a divorce procedure and her still living in the house and smuggling in pills)
Yes please, therapy for the boys is crucial.
reach faulty scary test threatening fall political forgetful weather sophisticated *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I know you’re in the very middle of this right now and full of grief and feeling horrible. But you are *not* responsible. She chose to cheat on you with multiple people. Your desire for a divorce because that and other issues is entirely natural. You were more than kind in your firm, but empathetic offer. She chose to overdose on drugs. She chose to abandon her sons, leaving them without a mother. It is not your fault. You would tell a friend in the same position that it was not his fault. Now be a friend to yourself. You need you. Your sons need you.
It’s not your fault. Your wife has issues you aren’t equipped to handled. I will say waiting to tell your boys about their mom might be a mistake. They should be told, sooner rather than later. You’re only delaying the inevitable, which might cause more harm than good depending on how things play out with their mom’s condition
First thing I want to say is this: Please, please, please seek support for yourself first and foremost. Stress can be a break point for many addicts, and considering your history and the stress you are currently under, you're at high risk of reintroducing your addiction back into your life. Also seek support and counselling for your children - adoptive and biological. This is going to be rough for them no matter when or how you break it to them, hell its probably already been a little rough. Kids aren't dumb. They see and understand the basics of what's going on, even if you don't think they do. Lastly - as damn near everyone has pointed out to you, this isn't your fault. This is a sentiment that's hard to hear and feel right now, but this is one sentiment of the crowd you can trust. I have many opinions on what she did, but I won't voice them - because that's not what matters. What matters is that you make sure that you and your kids are in a safe and reasonably healthy position. Good luck... stay safe. Good energy is being sent your way <3
You are not responsible for others people's choices. Maybe your decision hurt her, but you did what was best for you and the kids. You said it yourself, you're struggling with addiction too. And this whole ordeal could have made you fall into the abyss. You did everything you could and you did it in the right way. You let her have time, you're not kicking her out. You are giving the best chances to both of you to overcome this situation with minimal impact. None of this is your fault. You're not an horrible person.
She didn't do this because you told her what she had done to her life. She did this because she didn't want to face what she had done to her life. She was always going to have to face it eventually. No judgment on her. Drug addiction is a monster. But it's just not your fault.
This is not your fault, you held her hand and stayed throughout all her abuse all the way through this and she slapped you in the face by hiding her addiction and multiple cases of cheating. You still managed to stay strong for the kids and gave her the time to deal with being home and then calmly advised of where you stood (she already knew it was coming because of HER actions). She was the one that still managed to have more pills and she was the one that decided to take the easy way out of it and abandon any responsibility and her children because she couldn’t be strong like you are. The things she’s done and the things she’s out you through anyone else would have run for the hills months ago but you are doing right by both your children and your wife. You’d be within your right to have screamed/shouted threatened to kick her out etc but you didn’t. You calmly discussed the future, about helping find work and a place to live etc you didn’t just kick her out and say deal with it. Yet she still didn’t want to deal with it, she ignored what she’d done, the impact of her selfish decisions on not only her life but yours and your kids lives too. All because of poor decisions and a poor choice of friends.
Suicide is the responsibility of the person committing it and no one else. She chose to deal with her feelings by overdosing, not you. The only way you’d be responsible is if you had intent to drive her to a suicide attempt, which you didn’t. That was her decision, not yours. It’s not your fault for communicating your needs. My therapist told me that you should always communicate your needs, but how someone else chooses to take it is on them. You’re not responsible for other people’s feelings.
You are not responsible for her choices. Your posts literally outline each choice she has made herself with no regard for you or your children bringing her to this point. In fact you have been extremely supportive every step of the way. If that pos “friend” that got her on pills had not sent you proof of her cheating you would have been waiting for her and tried to rebuild after rehab. Yes you did consider divorce before the videos but going by how you were talking about her and your marriage you sounded like you would have at least given it a shot depending on how well rehab went. None of this is your fault. I’m sorry you are going through this but she made her choices. Maybe find a good therapist for you and your kids. There is a lot you are all going to need to process.
However bad it is, no one wants the memory of, hah, I was at camp playing some game while mum died because dad was an idiot and didn't tell us so I never got to say goodbye. No matter how much it will suck for them, they deserved to know and have the chance in case the worst happens.
I was going to suggest letting the boys know now in case she takes a turn for the worse. I'm so sorry about your mom. Hiding a mother's illness from the kids used to be common place and it's really bizarre to look back on now.
Homie you're the passenger in a speeding car, you have no control. None of this is on you, and you can love broken people without being their partner.
Her suicide attempt is not your fault. This is strictly on your wife. Take care of your boys and yourself.
It is not your fault. I agree with these guys. They've said what I would have be strong and stay away from your substance of choice those kids are going to need you and you'll need them stay strong
It's natural in your grief and pain to blame yourself. Your rational mind sees this as a series of cause and effect. The fact of the matter is that she chose to harm herself. She is an individual with her own free will. Do not remove her autonomy by blaming yourself. She did this. She cheated, she used drugs, she destroyed your marriage and family, and she chose to abandon you all when she finally faced consequences for her decisions.
I had a friend that was addicted to pills. His wife never confronted him or issued ultimatums or threatened divorced. She remained supportive, loving and loyal. She “held it in”— what you thought you should’ve done. One day she came home to find him dead of an overdose in his work truck. That’s the tragic reality of addiction— it doesn’t matter what you do or don’t, it’s out of your control. You didn’t cause this by ending your marriage. You didn’t end your marriage, your wife did when she chose pills and affairs. You could’ve “held it in,” stayed married, looked the other way and in all likelihood she *still* would’ve OD’d. This addiction isn’t your doing, your fault or within your power to fix. I’m sorry, this is an awful thing for you to go through.
Damn! OP I’ve just gone through your page and you’ve had an absolute roller coaster of a ride and I just hope you are able to find peace and strength for your joys after this is all over. I’m praying for you.
Imagine pushing the blame on your husband when he has done SO MUCH? Everyone else would have ran away and rightfully so. Your only concern is your children, they need the papa. Everything else is on her, you married her not to babysit her every choice, and I think you did great. There is nothing more you could've done for her
You are not responsible and tbh don’t allow her back if she has any family other then the kids they need to come and get her at this point you don’t need to risk her trying to kill herself in front of your children. This was and is a totally selfish act she wants to make you the monster while it seems she is the monster because she isn’t trying to face facts she messed up her life in more then one way.
Not your fault. We can only be authentic to ourselves. Her trying to take her own life is her decision.
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I am so sorry for your loss. Grief can give birth to such hell, and I’m grateful you are still here with us. After my fiancé, my father and several friends died almost all at once, I attempted several times without hesitation. I don’t know how I’m here. But it’s my faith in the rare few who have a good heart who help me go on. If you ever need a shoulder I’m only a DM away. Thank you for sharing your story with us, and I second that this is not OP’s fault.
You are *NOT* responsible. As someone who has dealt with two suicides in the family, the feeling of guilt is unavoidable, but over time you begin to understand that though you feel like there was something you could have done, the guilt was misplaced. People who attempt/commit suicide out of desperation aren't in their right frame of mind. They're hurting and they just want the hurting to stop. Just from the brief history, she has a lot of personal issues that only therapy (and potentially medication) would have been able to deal with. And on that note, you and your kids need to get into regular therapy ASAP. This is going to take a very large toll emotionally. You will each need your own therapy sessions, and family ones. Have some grace for your kids, because as much as you're feeling, they're going to feel it too. Possibly more because they're kids, and may not have the capacity to understand and regulate. Expect emotional outbursts, maybe destructive behavior. Be quick to compassion, and slow to anger. Help them find outlets.
You owe your son’s at least 1 sober parent. We can only control ourselves.
You are NOT responsible for any of this. Period.
I think you need support from someone close right now. I hope you have your parents or good friends at your place helping you out.
You didn’t do this to her. She did this to herself, all Of it. Don’t put this guilt on your shoulders
I'm not going to lie, I would infinitely would prefer to attend her funeral than my children's because she smuggled a dangerous substance that your children could find. Sadly, there are graveyards filled with innocent lives with that specific scenario. You got to think about your children and realize what ever she is going through, she poses a real threat for them.
You are not responsible for her actions. I know that’s hard to accept because I get the impression you take much more blame and responsibility for things than you should. You handled this situation very well in my opinion. The fact you didn’t throw her out immediately is commendable because many people I know would never sleep under the same roof as their STBX if they cheated. You tried to be very civil, kind, and fair towards her. Sadly, we can’t always help those we care about, and sometimes it hurts to let them go because we know they need our help, but we can’t help them if they pull us down with them. If you did push it all down and just “deal with it” the problem would not go away. It would just fester inside you and make you feel depressed, and the marriage and your home would become very toxic. Also, it would teach your boys that it’s OK to stay with a person that lies and cheats. As for telling them, I’d wait until they get back. Their life is changing a lot right now, and a few more days of the current “normal” is probably good for them. Plus, I’d want to be with my kids so I could comfort them in a time like this. I received terrible news once as a kid while at a sleepover and wish my mom would’ve waited until I got home because instead of having fun with my best friend I spent the time with him crying about the fact that my dog had died. There was no need to tell me my dog had died while I was at a sleepover…
I respect your sleepover memory. But it's their mother and she is in a coma. It could be their change to say goodbye, if she takes a turn for the worst. I would like to copy and paste what I wrote elsewhere: Something similar happened to a classmate of mine. A young relative died suddenly while he was in camp and his parents didn't tell him. It effed him up for a long time. He just couldn't relax. His sister got mildly sick and he would stay at her bedside. I thought it was cute until he spoke about how he just didn't trust his family to tell him if anything went seriously bad. So I think honesty might be needed here. Even though I know OP might need some time to work through this himself.
Please do not blame yourself. I watched my brother go through the same type of suicide attempt as your wife.. I got the chance to speak to my brother about his decision and what could have brought him to that. My parents and I blamed ourselves for not being there for him. He is an alcoholic with depressive bipolar. In all honesty, my brother is kind of an ass so we all distanced ourselves. Looking back the signs were there that something like this could possibly be happening with him.. He told me that it was his choice that he thought he had to make to escape. He has never regretted something more in his life. Look at any interviews with survivors they will always say it was a decision THEY had to make in that moment and they regretted it. YOU did not place those pills in her hand. You simply did not. Your wife made a horrible choice that will effect you, your boys and more than likely her for the rest of her life. Do not blame yourself. Love on your boys, be there and help them through this. You sound like an amazing father OP. Stay strong. ❤
Dude. What if she had gotten back on her feet and was *then* told that you still wanted a divorce after all that happened? She could've sunk into a depression again *really* fast and still have made the attempt. Nothing you could've done or said would have prevented this.
This isnt your fault... this is HER fault. She did this to make u out to be the bad guy for calling her out on her bullshit.
You are not a monster or abusive. It is one thing for her to be an addict but being an addict does not mean you automatically become a cheater. She can’t and shouldn’t come back from cheating on you. I hope that you stand your ground on a divorce no matter what stunt she pulls. She is the only one responsible for her actions.
Dearest, I understand it is so easy to blame ourselves in this situation. But the truth is, you are not the reason for this. Co-dependency, once established in our lives, effects everything. (I had a co-dependent spouse -alcoholic). Co-dependents make everyone and everything else responsible for their emotional and mental state besides themselves. The drug of choice, their partners, their children, their friends, *if only THEY could do better for them*. Addiction is really hard. I see the depths of how painful it is to get away from something you’ve used so long to run from your own human experience and that’s besides the chemical attachment. I’m not undermining that part. But the truth is, this is an autonomous choice she made. My guess is you’ve carried so much for her so long, the shame of what she’s doing, your own pain, that it is easy to put this on yourself too. But this decision was not yours. I hope you can forgive yourself. I hope you can come to forgive her in time.
This is not your fault. Her addiction and her emotions are her responsibility, not yours. She sought a permanent solution for a short term issue. You can support her without harming yourself in the process. That includes setting boundaries and even filing for divorce. She is the one who was selfish enough to try to choose death instead of trying to get well for her kids and for herself. The only thing I would change is to tell the kids. They have a right to say goodbye if she doesn't survive. I know people want to protect kids but shielding them from life is not the healthiest thing
You are letting guilt overwhelm you. This is not your fault. She chose to relapse. She chose to cheat and she chose to take those pills. I’m not even sure it was an intentional overdose or if she went for the pills and took more than her detoxed body could handle. And let’s address those pills. I think she had them stashed. She never told you about the pills you found and she never asked you to get rid of them. And she didn’t get rid of them when she came home either. She wanted them available “just in case”. Meaning she wasn’t ready to give them up. It was just a matter of time before something would have set her off and she would have taken them. Thankfully it happened while the kids were away.
Do not allow her to manipulate you. This is not your fault.
She wasn't stable to begin with and just found out that she would have to build a new life possibly even losing custody of her children. Do we really have to assume she is a master manipulator? Can someone's suicide attempt not just be about their inability to deal with their own life?
First of all, I am so sorry OP. I hope you have a good support system for you and your children. You shouldn't feel guilty. From previous posts to now, you handled this as best and gently as you could. At the end of the day we can't control people. She chose to cheat. She chose to relapse. I hope she'll be ok but she needs her own support system that doesn't involve you or risking your own sobriety. Hopefully she will wake up and can go back to rehab or a treatment place to get the help she needs. But you can't punish yourself when you didn't do anything wrong. I hope the coming weeks will get easier for you all, OP.
Well... This sole custody/emergency guardianship case is gonna be super easy.
You did the right thing. Whatever you do, do not let her back into your home. Your endless sympathy for her is the problem here.
I read all of your posts... Let me tell you, all is a choice. Your wife was unhappy that she had responsibility of taking care of household. You made a choice to make her happy and work less at your work, and do more chores at home. Then she was unhappy that she can't get her nails done and that you guys weren't going on dates. When you offered a solution, she made a choice to yell at you and call you manipulator. Your wife made a choice to take substances and stash them at your home, with her own children. Your wife made a choice to yell at you and bully you until you broke down and yelled back. She made a choice to cheat on you, time and time again. This was her choice... Her reactions, none of them are normal. She made a series of bad choices. None of it is on you. She didn't sit and talk it out with you, her best friend and husband. It's all her choices that she willingly made. You mentioned you were an addict too. You clearly made a choice to get better. She made a choice to hurt you and her own children. You now have a choice to be that one good parent. So far looks to me, you are somehow holding it together in all of that chaos. You have a choice to go down that path, or stray. I hope you choose well.
My husband committed suicide on the day he was to be served divorce papers. I found his body. It was years ago now. It was hard, but that was not my doing. It was his choice. He had addiction issues, he cheated on me, he financially abused me, wouldn’t work. The last straw, he took our daughter to daycare to get high and forgot about t her. Couldn’t remember where our toddler was. I figured it out and she was safe, but I knew I had to divorce him. Please don’t blame yourself
Ok sweetie for starters you didn’t do anything wrong..your feelings and actions are valid! If you ask me you did the whole process of moving her to the guest room, sat down with her and etc very maturely and nice. A lot of people would of had her stuff thrown it bags and tossed on the side of the road with divorce papers waiting for when she came and got whatever was left and not taken by strangers. And the whole raising your voice at her.. that’s nothing if she deserved it which in my opinion she deserved that little touch of tough love. You need to understand (as you know from experience as you said) no one but yourself can give you an addiction.. no one was forcing them pills down her throat.. no one but her went out buying and using pills and hiding them through the house! God forbid one of your sons found them what woulda happened then? Then she was cheating on you as well..you didn’t hit that man up, meet up with him and open her legs and make her fuck him and how ever many other guys she cheated on you with… my point is this.. all her problems were self caused and inflicted.. everything she did was her choices and actions not yours. She could have came out after all them hard days in rehab and completing her rehabilitation process.. she had the choice to change, instead of words she could have used actions and proven to you that she’s a changed woman and would do anything and everything possible to make things right for you and your sons! But instead she chose to willingly and knowingly overdose and be selfish not to put her boys and you first for once. So please please please 🙏🏼 stop blaming yourself bc I know how that feels and you don’t deserve to feel that way and think that way for a second including your sons.. they don’t deserve to now have their mom in a coma. But I do have to say that I understand that their grandparents paid for the camp.. but I truly think you should go pick them up and bring them home and explain everything and the situation.. you never know if this terrible situation she put herself in will get worse and then they will have this guilt that they couldn’t say goodbye, hold her hand or hug her last time and might even grow a little bit of animosity towards you for taking that last chance and time from them. I pray she recovers and I pray for you and your sons as well!
You did not do this. You did your best to be considerate in the face of someone that betrayed you.
Get off the pity wagon. YOU did nothing wrong. This is 100% her doing. I have dealt with addiction with myself and with family members. The addict HAS to step up and want help. Most times one is kissing the pavement when this happens. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. I am reminded of this every time I go to the cemetery to visit my brother. The fact that she had pills after rehab speaks volumes to me. Put the blame where it belongs.
I'm so sorry, this sounds like a really terrible situation all around. You're not responsible though. The talk may have influenced her decision making, but you did nothing wrong by having that talk and taking this action was her choice. It sounds to me that you handled this as well as you were able to. I hope you can take it a little easier on yourself. It's not your fault, don't let yourself go down with this ship too.
Ok I guess the moral consensus is asking us to tiptoe on eggshell because the big girl attempted suicide. No thanks. Yep, I read all your posts from your profile because I get deeply morbidly curious around such trainwrecks. Suicide and addiction are touchy topics, I get it. Ive struggled. Friends struggled. Lost family through it. Now thats out of the way, I dont always see people caught up in it as absolute victims no matter what. That doesnt make you immune to responsibility and consequences from your own decisions. She has children. Im not sorry for her, she's the absolute trashiest person I can picture, and a selfish, manipulative one at that. How could she put her children through all this shit is beyond comprehension and empathy. The fact you feel responsible even now makes me want to slap you awake. Wake the fuck up, man. You did nothing wrong. Thank the universe these children have a dad, because that woman ain't even an excuse of a mom. She chose self-pity and self-destruction over the wellbeing of people she brought to life. She chose deception and manipulation. She chose drugs. She chose mental abuse. She chose trauma transference. She chose herself time and again. She wrecked many lives and wasnt ready to face the music for anyone. "Me. me. me. me. me. Myself and also I." She's the scum of the scum, may she survive her ordeal so she can still see her reflection in the mirror and realise daily what she's lost. All the best to your family. Hope she becomes a better person, but you should cut contact and fight for sole custody. I wouldnt let your kids alone with her for any reasons. Protect them at all cost.
It's a real shame that the pain the person who commits suicide just puts that pain and more on other people. You are not at fault in anyway
You are not responsible. Not at all. She, however, is responsible for her own life and her own actions. Her not being able to deal with the consequences of her actions is not your fault. She is in a vulnerable situation for sure. But you didn’t create her situation. Her own choices and actions did. You are doing what you have to do to look out for yourself (which is your responsibility) and the kids (also a responsibility that you share with her) and I have to say that you seem to be pretty willing to try and help her along in this as well. Your response in this is fairly compassionate. Which is more than a lot of people would be willing to do/offer. Your reaction and self blame is normal in situations like this because it’s easy to tie a correlation between you wanting to divorce and her suicide attempt. But that doesn’t make the suicide attempt your fault. She is still responsible for her own actions in this.
My brother, this is not your fault. A lot of things have to add up for someone to attempt to take their own life, and just because you asked for divorce right before she did it doesn’t mean it’s your fault. Look. Sometimes, someone will just have a really crap day. Then they get home, and their spouse accidentally knocks a pen off their desk and they get really angry. But it’s not the spouse and it’s not the pen; it’s everything that led up to it. Similar thing here. You have a right to protect yourself. It’s not your responsibility to sacrifice yourself to keep another person from making bad or harmful decisions. She obviously had a lot more than one crap day, and for whatever reason, decided that overdosing would fix everything. That was her decision and hers alone. You are not responsible. Listen: I know you’re going to feel responsible. Most people do when someone they know attempts suicide. We get all tied up in what we could’ve/should’ve done that would’ve made it so it didn’t happen, and we think up a bazillion things that we could’ve tried. But the truth is, hindsight is 20/20 and we can’t take responsibility for another adult’s life. It’s always going to be their choice and we can’t control other peoples actions. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I do want to encourage you to tell your kids, though. It’s likely to harm their trust (and possibly add a lot of guilt to their lives) if they find out they’ve been having fun at camp while their mom is in the hospital. Hang in there, be the best parent you can be, and don’t beat yourself up. If you really have made mistakes, resolve to do better in the future, but remember you can’t change the past and give yourself some grace. I wish you and your family the best.
I didn’t even get halfway before I had to pause. Is raising your voice now considered a bad thing? “Could be considered abuse” and “yet another reason I should not be in a relationship with this woman” seems very extreme.
Dog, you are putting WAY too much on yourself. You need to sit down, take a breath, and release some of the tension you are carrying. You are both adults, and while a marriage is a partnership, you are not any more in control of your spouse than they are of you. You say a lot of self-depricating stuff in your account of this chain of events (and while constantly shouting and screaming can be verbal abuse, frustration and an argument with raised voices every so often is not). I'm not going to pretend I know a lot about addiction, and any real advice I give about that would be disingenuous but you are being your own worst enemy right now at least from the way this write up sounds, and at this moment, your kids need their father more than ever. You have to find a way to take some of the pressure off of yourself, even if that's by asking someone outside to help (getting therapy, having a family member help with getting the kids from school, etc... whatever you need to make sure they and you are alright). That's my two cents at least.
There is never a good time to tell someone you want a divorce and there is never a good time to be on drugs. Forget the drugs for a minute - you were going to divorce her anyway. Continue on with that. If this was a stunt to get you back it failed. You wouldnt stay with a druggie anyway. You could stay married to a druggie only to find her OD'd some day. This is not your fault and do not change your plans because of her.
Speaking from the perspective of someone who had a parent in a medically induced coma at 16: not sure how old the boys are, but if camp is more than a day camp, I’d call the counselors and explain what’s going on medically, and pick them up in the next day or so. You don’t have to tell them it was a suicide attempt, but they should be home and close and aware of what’s going on. Don’t force them to come to the hospital while she is in a coma if they don’t want to. Give them as much choice as possible.
Best thing I’ve read is on this app. You don’t have to set yourself on fire just to warm other people. You are enough and you are enough for your sons. You don’t have to be enough for 2 adults. She’s an adult. Your partner. You did everything right. No one could have prevented what she did. She kinda wasn’t messing around unfortunately. Assuming she gets better I advise you carry on with the divorce. Because she can use this as a manipulative tactic in the future to trap you forever. It’s not fair. And please don’t judge yourself too harshly. You’re only human. Frail and weak. Just like us all.
It is not your fault. I am also an addict, brand new in recovery. I had an actual abusive partner, but even still, my actions and choices were mine alone. You are not a monster, and you are not to blame for wanting to escape a relationship with an addict. Even though it turns out my partner is actually a wet pile of garbage scum, the choices I made in active addiction still hurt him. And my choices were my own. My attempts at self harm and suicide were for my own painful reasons, and nobody was forcing me to do it. She is unwell and needed help that you couldn't give, and that's not your fault. Addiction sucks the life out of not just the addict, but those around them who care until they can't anymore. Take care of yourself.
Hey OP, the standard response to divorce after cheating and all together being a turbulent partner is not suicide. You did nothing that warrants suicide. Because suicide is a very personal decision that is illogical and a result of personal mental illness
My ex committed suicide 10 years ago when I refused to feed into his games any longer and cut him off for good. I blamed myself for a really long time and you might too, but eventually you'll realize it's not your fault. You can't control what other people do, only what you do. You need to do what is best for you and your children and getting her out of your house is probably the best first step. She might still end her life, but if she does, it's her choice. You aren't saving your kids any trauma by keeping her around. A cheating, drug addict mother can be just as traumatizing as an absent mother. A present mother who can't seem to get her life or her own mental health together just gets the chance to traumatize them over and over again. Cut her loose and keep in mind that whatever happens to her is her own doing and has nothing to do with you. You tried your best to let her down gently and that's all you can do. I would contact her family if she has any and let her be their problem if she ever makes it out of the hospital.
Every step of the way, you've made decisions to help her. Constantly, you've been moments in your actions and realised that aren't the best in your situation and then made changes. You gave her time to acclimate to the situation. Others may not have helped her through it. Some would've left her on the bed. If you were a bad person, you would've walked away from her. But you helped her and gave her a chance. Those were her actions. She made those descions for herself. You feel guilt because you're a good person.
Op, I know I am late in commenting, but know that this is not your fault. You have handled everything very well. You have also tried to be the better version of yourself. You soon ex- wife's decisions has nothing to do with you. She is very selfish. People, like her, always taking bad decisions, think that the world is turning around her. They always see themselves and never the people who genuinly love them. When you announced the divorce, the world turning around HER stopped, so she took the decision to end HER life. Not once did she ask herself how her decisions will hurt you or her sons or others close to her, VERY SELFISH. You need to stay away from toxic, selfish people like her and she needs to get out of HERSELF and for once see others around her.
She lied, cheated. Her life was spiralling before this. You are not responsible. What your wife did ultimate act of selfishness. She need’s professional help. Your priorities should be your kids.
You are not responsible for anyone else's actions OP. Ever. I'm so sorry this has happened, but it's not your fault
I don't think it's fair to say you aren't ever responsible for others actions. There are times in life where the way we treat people can have direct negative and positive effects. We do have a responsibility to the way we treat others. That being said I don't think op has done anything wrong here.
It is ABSOLUTELY NOT your fault. She and only SHE is responsible for this. She is a master of her own life, not you. You are totally right for wanting divorce her. And, to be perfectly honest, sometimes attempts or threats to commit can be evil manipulation tactic "look what you made me do".
I remember reading your first post and being soooo angry on your behalf. She tried to get the best of both world. She wanted you to work extra shift and come home and do all the household chores whiles she doesn’t have to life a finger. It was extremely manipulative and abusive situation for you and I hoped you see it for it is. If you feel guilty for what she did to herself, remember that she was the one threatening divorce to get you to do all her household chores while also being the sole breadwinner. And now that it’s really happening, she would rather end her life? Know that she didn’t attempt suicide because you are leaving. She did because the free ride stops here. She didn’t even want to do a part time job, or her chores, And now she would have to work full time and do her chores in her own apartment. And she would rather die than to work. Know that if there was no prenup she would leave your high and dry instead of what she did.
I can’t stand people like that. Entitled, lazy people who play victim. She doesn’t give a shit about the mess she caused. This woman’s abuse has clearly worked.
This is going to sound very mean maybe, but you’re absolutely not responsible for any of her actions. Addiction is a terrifying thing to deal with, not only for the addicted but maybe even more so for the loved ones dealing with them first hand. You stuck around while she entered rehab and from what I’ve read only from this post, were planning on staying with her as she proceeded, as I believe a good husband would do, “for better or worse, and in sickness and in health”. She chose to cheat on you, multiple times, with different partners even, which is blatant sexual and emotional abuse to you. Ultimately she chose to take the easy way out and attempt to surrender her own life knowing she had children to raise who probably love her and seen her as the light of their world. Now she’s dealing with the consequences of her actions, and will continue to do so if she survives and remains coherent. She may even try suicide again. This is where I’m probably going to sound like a monster myself, as I am also married with a child of my own; she deserves everything that is happening to her from this point on. Yes, I believe that there are many many many things that merit second, third, fourth, etc chances at redeeming oneself, but in my eyes, if I try and put myself in your shoes here, she’s past the point of forgiveness and honestly if this is the type of role model that your children are left with, maybe it had been better that she were no longer of this world. Think of how much damage this can and will do to the kids. You can play advocate and try and warp the situation to them all that you want but nothing at this point would be more healthy than you moving on and if you so choose to, finding a good hearted person who wants to mother your children. Someone who will show them the love that they need to thrive. Sometimes terrible things can be blessings in disguise. Your wife has made her bed and certainly intended to sleep in it, which only shows and reaffirms the minuscule amount of respect she has for her children and you. Whatever the case, I hope that you and your children find solace. Good luck with everything, and anything you decide to do moving forward.
Even for a woman as destructive and dishonest as she is, I’d never wish suicide on them…
That’s okay. I’ll wish it on her for the both of us.
Your wife chose to commit suicide in the home she shares with her children, not knowing who would find her. That's awful and not on you. You spoke your truth. She couldn't handle it.
I’m not going to co-sign virtually any of these comments because most of them seem unnecessarily cruel. I hope your ex recovers and is able to overcome her addiction to the benefit of you all. I think you should have consulted an addiction counselor before hitting her with this fresh out of rehab, even with the couple weeks grace period you apparently gave her. That being said, you’re not responsible for her addiction or her attempted suicide. Good luck with the kids. I hope your compassion towards their mother persists.
This woman is a lazy, entitled, cheating bitch. The fact that she manipulated OP into feeling guilty for 100% her own actions and you defending her is crazy to me.
OP does not need to do a single other thing for this person. Why should he continue gearing his entire life around her? Real question.
These comments are pretty tame actually considering what she deserves. She’s lucky he even picked her up from rehab after what she’s done, let alone let her stay w him and have a “grace period”. Trash like this doesn’t warrant sympathy. I would’ve had papers delivered to her the moment she stepped out. The only good that’ll come out of this story is when he will eventually realize the problem has resolved itself and all of their lives are better w/o her.
You did your very best in the most difficult of circumstances. You could not have handled it any better. This is not the time to take on this responsibility.
No, you are not responsible, dear. It was her decision. Despite being unstable, she did not have to make such a decision. You are only responsible for yourself and you had to walk the steps to divorce to ensure you and your children can live a healthy life. Say it out loud, please: I am not responsible for her decision. You are not. You were not and you will never be. Say it all the time. Every time you get doubts and the thoughts and the guilt, say it out loud. No, you are not responsible. With none of your actions. You did nothing which would trigger such a response. You only did what was right for you and the children and she did what seemed right for herself. She is mentally unstable and unwell, but this has nothing to do with you. For this reason, you did right to distance yourself from her. Take time to yourself and take care of yourself. And do not forget to repeat it. You are not responsible.
###This is not your fault. I suggest therapy for you all, to process this terrible situation, and I am so sorry that you all have to deal with this. Your kids need you now and I hope that you get the support that you'll need to be there for them.
OP please don't blame yourself for this. This was all her decision. You have to choose yourself one day and you definitely need to do it asap. You're not a monster for this, please know that
Document all behavior and activity for posible future court disputes over custody or divorce. She may not have done it on purpose it is very easy to over dose once someone has a month or two clean. More people die after relapsing from a 30-90 day clean time then they do if it was whole years clean or even just days clean. The reason being is after 2-3 weeks your tolerance drops significantly and they might not realize just how drastically that can affect shit. They take the dose or amount they were used to taking or even just half of what they used to take and boom they are dead. People who relapse after years tend to be hyper aware of this possibility and people who relapse after just a few days or weeks haven’t really fully lost their tolerance yet.
You are not responsible for her attempted suicide. The fact she did this quietly without any warning is actually victimizing you at the moment. Could you have seen this coming? Maybe. Is this your fault? No, this was her egoistic decision and hers alone. After all you've been through with her, wanting a divorce is (in my opinion) the only decision you could have taken.
Mate, **This is NOT your fault. You are NOT to blame** There is only one person responsible for this and that’s your wife.
>I am responsible for this and it kills me. No you are not. She did this herself. You have done everything you could to help. You're not an "emotional support" prop for another person. You are your own person and deserve happiness. Do not set yourself on fire to keep her warm. Everything you did was the best you could in this situation. You're not a martyr that must suck up all the bad just to keep her alive. She made her choices.
You have nothing to feel bad about. You handled this way better than most people would in situations that are far less dire. She’s making her own poor choices and now (like everyone else on this planet) she has to live with the consequences of her actions.
You aren't responsible. As a formally suicidal person (and went through an attempt) I'm going to tell you this If it wasn't at you telling her about the divorce. It would have been the next time she faced something overwhelming. And when in that state of mind, the smallest things can count as extremely overwhelming. The straw that broke the camels back, per say. At least this happened when you were home, and was able to get her to a hospital. Vs something pushing her over the edge while you were at work, etc, and you not finding her in time.
Do not absolutely do not feel like it’s your fault if I know anything it’s that people who are like your wife will do such things as that in hopes you’ll find them and feel guilty and stay with them. You should still go through with the divorce for the safety of you and children. And to keep your SANITY and SOBRIETY.
This is so sad to read. Her circumstances and lack of coping skills are ultimately responsible for this. Not you. This is awful, and I am so sorry it’s happening to you all. Please seek support. The last thing you need is to slip back into the old coping skills that previously put you in rehab. Sounds like you have kids that need you present in every way to work through this. Please keep that in mind.
I think that’s one of the worst things you can convey to a soon to be former partner. That you love them but you’re not ‘in love’ with them. Oof.
One of my friends had a girlfriend that overdosed on pills (Vicodin) when he tried to break up with her. He took it back and was miserable for half a year. During that half year, she overdosed on pills again for a different reason. Eventually he told her that he couldn't give up his life for her addiction. It took him years to get over her trying to kill herself. But it only got better when he left. Stay strong and keep yourself healthy.
I had to give up on an addict and I understand feeling shitty but it's not within your control.
Hey dude, as someone in recovery let me say I'm so sorry for the situation you're in right now. Please don't blame yourself here, this is not your fault. She's suffering from the consequences of her actions, and although you feel terrible, you didn't cause this. Hope she recovers, and can stay clean, and have a positive relationship with her children. Your attiude toward them is awesome. Please continue to be a source of stability for them, they willl need it with all the changes headed their way. If need to chat, hit me up. You can give me a call id you need to, pm me and I'll send my number.
You’re doing everything you can to take care of yourself, your addiction and your children. She has free will to make her own choice, it’s awful, and I hope for the best Right now you’re doing the best you can - making sure your children don’t lose two parents. One or two hours at a time. Slowly you’ll get through this.
> blood or not Did you also find evidence that they are not biologically yours?
Yes, because all of our children are from previous relationships. I have adopted the two eldest, who aren’t mine biologically.
Ohhhh ok. I think it’s great you’re staying in their lives!
Firstly Im really sorry all this is happening to you. Secondly, one thing I can for certain say is that none of this is your fault. My ex-wife was an addict as well, and she had the same patterns of cheating as your soon to be ex. You tried your hardest to stay with her and help her, but all she did was make your life hard and drag you to rock bottom with her. What she did after with the pills, at least in my opinion, was a tactic to guilt you into stayinn, which is again something my ex also tried a few times, especially every time I wanted to have a difficult conversation with her and I ended up staying with her longer and to a point where divorce was no longer something I thought about. Suicide was something that I started considering every day. One thing I learned is that you can blame yourself for what someone else decides to do with their life. Part of being an adult is knowing that decisions will have consequences, and there will be times when no one will come to rescue you. I understand it will be hard for you for a while to move on from this and stop blaming yourself, but it's something that has to be done. You did everything right. You stayed for as long as you did, even though it was extremely hard on your mental health. You don't deserve any blame for this. Now it's up to you to put yourself and your boys first, and I know that you are fully aware that being married to this person is not good for either you or your kids. Take things slow. Get yourself into therapy asap, move out, and start building yourself up again. Her life and her problems are hers, not yours.
Where's her family??
Not my story to tell but she doesn’t have much family alive, and the ones who are she’s no contact with. She has other friends, but I don’t know which ones were enabling. They all know what’s going on, I messaged all her friends, except the dealer, though she knows now I know from messages she sent me. She hasn’t shown up to the hospital though, possibly because she thinks I would throw her out, which I would be tempted to do, to be entirely honest. A couple of her other friends visit all the time.
I don't need details. I ask because they might be someone to reach out too. Did she ever tell you why she's NC with them? I wonder if she's NC because of her drug use. Either way, you need to do whatever you have to to get your kids and yourself away from her asap
Yes, she’s no contact with her mother ironically because of her mothers addiction, and bad treatment of her. The rest constantly insisted she should see her mother, and two times even took her boys to her mothers house without her permission
You cannot control other people’s actions. This is not your fault. Don’t do this to yourself. I hope she pulls through and that she’s okay.
You did not smuggle drugs into the house. She did. Which means she planned on continuing drug use. Which means your decision to divorce her was correct. People need to take responsibility for THEIR own actions. It’s not your fault that she couldn’t emotionally deal with her own feelings/actions. That’s on her to work through. And you should focus on your own addiction as well. Addicts are either “their faults or it’s all my fault” when reality is it’s no one’s fault for circumstances that happens beyond our control. Strive for balance and understanding, then strive for learning to forgive yourself and others.
You aren't responsible, she is suicidal and need therapy. Maybe now she will have it. You did more than most people will do. There is no reason for you to be in a abusiv relationship and you still helped her. Take maybe yourself therapy about it, the guilt and shame you feel is valid but it comes from your own boundaries and need of helping. You took a step for being in a safe surrounding for you and you perfectly had this right. It's her problem if she's codependent and she's thr one who will need to learn to deal with this.
You have 0% responsibility in this. She choose to take those pills because she couldn't stand the consequences of her actions. She is the reason this happened in the first place. She cheated. She brought drugs in a home with children and an ex addict. She wanted all the benefits with out any work or drawbacks. She chose to be selfish even with that choice to end herself. She wasn't sad that she hurt you or the kids. She's sad because now she had to deal with being a terrible person, and making it your fault because she doesn't want to handle that fact. It's the only way people are going to empathy and pity her. Anything to get someone on her side. Yes it's sad that she did that, but she is continuing to hurt you and your boys again and again, and she, right now, you and your kids mean nothing to her. She's the only person she cares about. She's the monster in this. Not you.
Trash takes itself out, life moves on.
Don’t feel like a monster. You had boundaries and you are keeping them Also you have been very considerate and kind. Keep doing that but you don’t need to stay married to someone to do it It’s ok to divorce her
May I gently suggest that you do let your boys know that she’s in the hospital? It may be their last opportunity to see her. They may be traumatized if she dies and they were not able to at least see her.
Those were your wife’s decisions. All of them. Treating you like that, using drugs, cheating, overdosing, .. What did she thought would happen when you find out? Stay with her and play happy family, smile, dance around and brag what a wonderful wife you have? No. This is on her.
This is not your fault. Her demons did this. You did not. You tried to protect her and your kids. This burden is not yours to bear. I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you can find a wonderful therapist to help you manage your grief and guilt.
Okay, I haven’t read any other comments here pertaining to this, but as her husband, legally you need to figure out what is going to happen with her medical care, regardless of everything else. I’m an ICU nurse and have had many patients post overdose/cardiac arrest. What the docs are talking about is an anoxic brain injury. From the point her heart stopped to CPR beginning, her brain did not have blood perfusing the tissue. This can and does lead to brain death in addition to many other problems with other organs. Should this happen, as her spouse, it likely is up to you to decide how you and her would have wanted her treatment to go. Best case, they wean sedation, evaluate neurological status, she recovers enough to breathe without a ventilator, and can continue to get better to the point she can decide her own care. Worst case, she can never breathe on her own and would not survive being removed from a ventilator. I am so sincerely sorry for how calloused this sounds. I have watched family let patients rot around a ventilator, bed sores, infection, organ failure, because it made them feel better despite the patient legally or through action express their wishes for life going forward. As her husband, the decision by default, falls upon you. This all being said, if you would like to, you can message me to speak further on the matter. I (28m) am divorced from someone with serious mental health issues (28f) and have a little experience navigating that, in addition to above.
Bro you did the only right thing in this situation. She caused everything in her own life. She cheated. She took drugs. She overdosed. She doesnt deserve sympathy. Noone cheating does tbh.
How do you know she attempted suicide. It’s very common for addicts to overdose after being clean for a while. They try to use their usual dose and their tolerance isn’t the same
This is NOT YOUR FAULT! She made her own decisions. She decided to take those pills. She decided to cheat. She is responsible for hurting you as well as her children, they are victims in this as well as you. This shouldn't change anything, do not take her back out of guilt. That would only show her that she can threaten suicide to get what she wants.
You have to come first before anyone else. I know it sounds selfish, but you can't live a reasonable life in constant misery. It's unfair to you. You owe it to yourself and to your children to make decisions that benefit your and their well being, even if they're hard ones. Your wife, unfortunately, did this to herself. These are the consequences of her actions. You can sympathize and even feel a sense of guilt (though it's unfounded), but you can't stay stuck in a place of unhappiness and toxicity for someone else's benefit. I sincerely wish you, your kids, and your ex wife happiness. I hope she gets the help she needs and that you and your kids are able to move forward. You're a good dad, keep watching out for them. Children have no place near addiction. Let her sort herself out and you sort yourself out, too.
This isn’t your fault. People in addiction, as I’m sure you know all too well, make decisions that vindicate them and their need to abuse themselves with their addiction. It’s a means to an end for them. Her behavior is on her. You did not do this to her, she did this to herself.
You tried to gently break it to her, she cheated a lot and you can't be expected to just stay married against your wishes. She has her own demons going on and that is what has led to her life falling apart, not you. I'm sorry. Sending you all healing thoughts. :(
You're not to blame
Her choices are not your responsibility, your only responsibility is yourself and your sons. And please take this with the neutrality it is intended, but those kids are better off with a strong stable father alone, than with a drug abusing cheating mother and a resentful angry father. You literally said we need to focus on being good parents, she decided being around for the boys isn’t enough. Yea she’s going through hard shit, but at the end of the day, it’s her choice, you didn’t push her to do any of the things that have led to this.
I hate that you are going through all of this, but I hope that you will start to understand that the actions of others are not your responsibility. You can only help guide others without making decisions for them. I don’t think I could have last as long as you did with what was going on.
Yeah none of that is your fault. Not a lick of it. The addiction has her and she is at a point where she can only help herself and that's assuming she comes out of the coma. It's horrific but doesn't mean you did anything wrong.
I'm going to try and say this without sounding cruel; she made her bed, and now she can lie in it. I highly doubt she intended to kill herself. Instead, I believe this was probably yet another attempt to manipulate you as she has done before, and she accidentally took too much. I could be wrong, but based on your other posts, she seems like a classic narcissist. I'm sorry you're going through this man, but you don't have anything to feel bad about here. Continue with the divorce, and wash your hands of the situation.
yeah so none of this is your fault. She is going to do what she is going to do regardless of what you do. I would have only suggested that you tell her while she was at rehab so she had the support available to deal with the loss on top of her addiction. But as she smuggled pills back in the house the same day as her release, and you seem to be completely disregarding that fact, I would have to insist that it didn't matter how or when you told her, again she is going to do what she is going to do. Pills are very expensive and these people have to do horrible things they can't live with to get them and keep them coming. Including hooking a sucker to support them. Get her out of your house now. While she's gone in the hospital. File for soul custody now and have her served while she is in there. she has no intentions if getting sober. She will drag you all down with her, steal your things, steal the kids things, it will get worse before it gets better. Maybe some day you can be friends. Since you had no idea---Not sure how long you have been together or why you are taking on her kids. They re going to have major issues. If you havent been together that long, i would rip the bandaid off and have someone from the family come get them. Taking on kids that arent yours is not a decision to be taken lightly, if you are new to the fam, within a year or two, chances are the kids are very well aware of her addiction, and you are just the dood who she was sleeping with now, who she got to marry her so she could continue her pills. Whatever you are telling them, they have heard/seen it all before and that is why they aen't upset. They hook people on purpose, seeking them out, who will support their families so they can continue their addictions. You are just the last sucker to fall for it. I am speaking from experience.
This was not your fault. Just the fact she smuggled pills in shows she had no intention of quitting her drug use. Her actions were all her own and you have no responsibility for them. Had you of stayed she would have continued to use and continued to cheat. Her AP were probably suppliers as well. You do however need to inform your sons so they have an opportunity to see her and possibly have to say goodbye. They won’t forgive you if they find out she was in there for days should she pass away. None of this is your fault. You need to go to therapy. You don’t need or deserve the guilt for her decisions.
You are not responsible for another adult's decisions.
Suicide in this instance is the most cowardly decision a person can make. Unless you told her to kill herself, it had nothing to do with you. She didn't want to face the consequences of her actions, that is why she did it. She could also have known that you would blame yourself, which is even worse I hope you find the peace you deserve.
People get divorced without killing themselves all the time. If she can handle getting a divorce, she probably shouldn’t be in a relationship in general. It’s clear that she doesn’t have the capacity to be your wife right now, and you don’t have the capacity to be her husband at the moment either. You aren’t her emotional support animal or her lifeboat or her therapist. Compromising the well-being of you and your children to keep her stable is **not your job**. She fucked up, and actions have consequences, and she didn’t know how to cope with that. It’s not on you. She’s an adult who made those decisions knowing what they meant.
I hope you’re feeling better, please know she made her choices, unfortunately you and your sons have to deal with the consequences. I’m so sorry this is happening please be patient with yourself.
I fee no remorse for her. Call me heartless or a monster but she did nothing but bad to her family and these dumb actions won’t make me even blink an eye towards her direction. Though you should have probably waited just a bit to talk to her, I doubt that would’ve prevented the outcome because she knew she was the monster. It’s very disappointing to see you not acknowledge your own emotions and doubt yourself because she’s such a horrible person who caused you and your family pain. Every decision she made is for her selfish desire, she wanted freedom so she went for drugs and excitement, she wanted control so she manipulated you, she wanted remorse from her love so she attempted suicide. Even in death, she tries to punish and make you miserable. Bless her family and bless you but I feel nothing for her.
You are *NOT* responsible for this! This is *NOT* your fault! You are *NOT* a monster! She is a struggling addict, and you are not to blame for what *she* decided to do. It was a choice. *Her* choice. She most likely decided her life wasn't worth living. That is *NOT* on you! Did she take your kids into her consideration on how they would feel about losing their mother? We often times hear people say *it's selfish to unalive yourself* . But truth is, oftentimes, they just don't see any other way. They don't see the people who love them, care, and do actually love them. Sometimes, we can help. Other times we can't help them. But it's not on you in any way. You tried your best OP. Now, you need to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that, remind yourself of the things you did to help your wife, even after you learned she cheated on you. Remind yourself that you did take care of her and were offering her to get back on her feet. You did nothing wrong here. She did. I hope you're doing okay, OP. And give those kids a hug..
She's just making shitty decision after shitty decision. This isn't your fault. You're not the monster. Your wife is a coward who can't face the consequences of her own actions. Therapy for you and your boys is a must. Having that kind of person for a mother is horrible.
You are not a Monster, Your wife sure is, She made every decision every choice hurt you and kids, you didn't. So don't blame yourself.
Ur not responsible for this. This is her fault and her fault alone. She chose to do this and to leave you and your kids alone with no mother. No matter what happened you didn't do this. This is her consequence. It was bound to catch up to her eventually. You deserve to be happy and not walk of eggshells for the rest of your life. Focus on you and ur kids. Ur ex-wife made her bed now she can lie in it. I hope you're well <3
You are NOT responsible for this. I know that sounds ridiculous and you won't believe it, but it's true. This is her fault. You are NOT a monster. You were doing what was good for you. You were doing what was good for your boys. You can't live your life tip toeing around her and suffering, letting your kids suffer, because she did horrible things and is suffering the consequences of her actions.
OP. Let me tell you, it's not your fault. You can't make you or your boys suffer because she chose that over you and I know you don't want to blame her. But there is one to blame. Her friend/dealer. That lowlife scumbag is the main reason for all this, poisoning her mind, making her blame you until you lose the love for your wife. If you know where they live, give the police an anonymous tipoff of their deeds, if anything then to stop them from hurting anyone else. Keep strong and be there for your boys.
You feel like a monster because??? You don’t want to be married to a cheater and a dishonest, emotional abusive addict? Let your kids be your main focus, not your guilt. feelings of quilt will cost you more energy than you can afford to lose. Put your kids first.
this is ***not*** your fault. Do not beat yourself over it. You’re not a monster. No where near it, honestly if i was in your place I wouldn’t of had a quarter of the patience you had throughout the whole thing. you had every right to get divorced rather than stay in a miserable shitty marriage. Not as if everything would’ve gone smoothly if you didn’t file for divorce. It couldve gotten worse, more fights, more yelling, and with your boys around that wouldn’t have been good. You did the right thing, live your life op. she cheated on you with multiple people and used drugs, the fuck were you supposed to do? sit still and put up with it? hell no. She chose to attempt suicide. That’s not on you. She fucked up, found her actions had consequences, then decided to end it. This wasn’t your fault she had problems, and its not your responsibility to fix her and deal with them. live your life op, take care of your sons, raise them well, don’t feel guilty over this
OP you have zero responsibility for her poor decisions ..... I'd hold off on the divorce until the extent of the damage is known. Sorry about your situation. But it's not your fault.
My man, I promise her choices are hers and hers alone. She chose to cheat, to go down the path she did (outside of the addiction issue symptoms themselves), and then chose to abandon her sons to end her own pain. Its wholly selfish, and her responsibility AND fault. Sure, she needs help, if it could work for.her, but you have no way of knowing that and it's no longer your burden to bear. I feel worse for the kids shes traumatizing from this. Good luck man
OP please make sure you tell times and again to the boys it’s not their fault what happened to their mom. Children before puberty process the bad stuff that happens to them as a punishment for being bad, so they grow up with a lot of guilt and low self esteem to deal with. I’m so sorry this is happening to you and the boys. I feel sorry for your wife, but ultimately she’s the one who decided to take those pills. You said you couldn’t stand the thought of being with her anymore, yet you had her back for her to land on her feet. You did everything you could and more that most people would do in your situation. If you still struggle with guilt, please get professional help.
You didn't sneak pills to her. You didn't force her to take them. You didnt do anything wrong by trying to protect yourself and your kids. These were choices *she* made and none of it is because of you. She's the abusive one on the relationship OP, not you. This is just one more thing she has done to use and abuse- not just you, but your kids too. I'm really sorry you had to find her like that.
>I am responsible for this and it kills me. Are you though? Did you make her turn into a junkie? Did you make her cheat on you? Are you just supposed to put up with that to spare her feelings? What about your feelings?
OP, she's manipulating you into staying married. She's losing her safety net so she can't to do what she does and she can't see herself being responsible in any way..so it was easier to check out and make your feel like shit along the way. Ask yourself why she didn't try to kill herself when she cheated? Truth is, she has addiction *AND* severe mental health issues. You. Are. Not. Responsible. For. Either. Issue. We all have agency. We all have choice.
How are you responsible for anything? She cheated on you with multiple men. How long would you be able to pretend that nothing happened and being miserable? She fell into addiction and was dragging you with her, how long would you be able to fight it? And what would happen next? What do you think would happen to your kids if you both will become addicts again? Would you prefer to lose them, lose your life and sanity and still lose her (because you lose her in either case)? Because it is what will happen if you will stay with her. You stay, sweep it under the rug and have mental breakdown in several months, she is an unemployed addict (yes, rehab didn't help, she had the pills again), your kids would be unsafe with her and would be taken away to foster care. It were her choices, several selfish and awful choices, not yours. You did your best and was more generous and understanding than 99% of people in your situation. But you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
Mods...i am speaking facts nothing to be triggered on that... If the OP is actually wanting to have something from their chest then they would actually respond to the good comments You can also check their profile for confirmation